#amd i jist find this

[cataclitsmicdisaster]

to the person that left this in the Wranglestone book in the Market Harborough Waterstones: we're best friends now and you have no say in it

[awesomekittyparty]

IM LOOKING FOR MY FRIENDS?????!!!!!!!! If YOU are from homesstuck and friends with me (the roxy laloande!!!! and mom lol)

Haiiii i litwrally just made this account to find my friends or anyof the. Friend shapped ones out there doesnt have to be anyone from MY canon ? S? Canons? Do people still track canon mates anymore. Oh well any source mated are also so ssosso welcome i miss all of you guys smmm :(((((((( IM AND INTRJECT BTWWWW not kin or id things or whatervrr?

ANYWAYS i am looking for anyof my friends!!! Who just wasnt to talk and. Be friends again…. Im sos lonely o really miss you guys if youre out there :( i love my fellow session kiddos SOSO SO MUCH edpecially. :( but any of my source friends wiuld be so epic and swag amd awesome off the charts please

MYO NLY REQUEST! No minros because im 22 so pls be body over adult age pleeeaaase okay thanks. Oh and i am probably intoxicated with…. Something or anyother if you DO message me jist dont be surprised or put off.

Im normel and i miss my friends…………… my homestucks. Where AREuou!!!!!!!!

[speci-society]

ITS STARTINGGGGGG imagine im talking abt a tv show premiere. I was gonna post this earlier but didnt feel it was necessary and was worried it would come off as a weird form of bragging (im not i jusy love sharing my experienaces) but my cold is still here and my sinuses are just as bad so down the hatch the appropriate dose of liquid benadryl medicine for an adult or child over the age of 12 goes! Im seripues abojt the appropro dose btw. I camnot stress enough im not being Cool im taking exactly as much as needed and this is just what HAPPENS!!!!! I caught myself singing wow wow wubzy, wubzy wubzy wow wow to the sound of a clock and mentally went "oh man. Im wubzying out. OH NO ITS STARTING" str8 up no joke. No lie. Im jist weak to the drowsiness of the regular adult dosage of maximum strength benadryl. That guy dril on twitter? Wonder if thays supposed to be like -dryl. Heh. Kyeheheh... welp, back to my sun chips amd cheez-its. And one lone zapps voodoo chips. That stuffs TASTAY. We dont get em often but when my mom vame home from montreal a couple years ago she brought me back a bag of all dressed chips bc we cant find those in the states or at least this far south, and my mom said the voodoo chips taste as close to the all dressed chips as shes gotten in the USA. pretty good. Well worth the hype. Ive got one of these in the bowl, one sun chip and (counting...) 14 cheez-its. Also 2 small bits of voodoo chips i didnt see, so like 1 and 1/3 chip. Heh.. make that 13 cheez'its!!! This is me truly filter off. Wait 11? I just had one but what abt the other 2. What. Anyway what i was saying above is that i was gonna make a post earlier like "well my cold isnt gone away so i need more banadryl. Will i keep my yap shut or let it all hang loose like usual?!" Smth like thay but it felt like. Mmm. Whats the uh. Whats the non humble version of a humbebrag? An annoyingbrag???? Idk. Wasmt trying to brag. Or wasnt GONNA try and brag since i didnt actually make thay post im only describigm it here. I just like sharing my tales. So this had BETTER depressurize my sinuses. ARRGH!!!

[thewanderingace]

....

[thedyslexicbard]

Me: puts effort into my secret Santa

My secret Santa: I’m going to give you a book on a political party that has put you in workplace poverty and the reason why you grew up worried about you next meal because you depend on food banks and is homophobic as shit

Me : thanks but you keep it

[gentrychild]

Can your wonderful fic finders maybe find a fic where tanjiro from demon slayer got raised SOMEHOW by muzan ??? I jist really crave that "demon king and big bad raises thw protag amd local sunshine tm" and i read all dfo fics on ao3

Fic finders, ASSEMBLE!

[olreid]

hello! i was  wondering if you have any thoughts on (haunted) forest, both as a background for the story, and has a main character. i think trees/forests have a lot of potential as elements of a story, poem, painting, etc.

thank you for your posts, they are always passionate amd thought-inducing. have a nice day!

(if you don't have anythong to say about it pr jist do not want to answer it's totally fine)

YEAHH i love this question!!! and i think forests have such HUGE potential for horror, for a bunch of reasons.. under a cut bc it turns out i had a LOT of thoughts and it got long <3

first, i think forests often symbolize a limit to what we can know or understand about the world. humans have often been interested in mapping and surveying the world, and those projects are not benign but often go hand in hand with conquest and colonialism. it is within the context of empire that territories are ‘discovered,’ surveyed, mapped, and finally annexed. and so i think part of what makes the mind catch on forests is that they resist being fully known, which is to say fully controlled. who can really say what happens in the heart of a forest? forests have often been thought of as places where the veil is thin, where faeries or other creatures from worlds next to ours can be found, where things happen that don’t fit in to what we think we know about how the world works. i’m thinking about that miyazaki quote: ��many places have a “forest that shouldn’t be entered.” i don’t know what is there, but i think they are real. i’m not a believer in the occult, but the world is more than we can fathom with our five senses. this world doesn’t exist just for humans.” and so i think forests gesture to something else, something more, something that will always be fundamentally beyond our reach or understanding. maybe the things happening in forests are beautiful beyond our comprehension, or maybe they are horrible beyond anything we have experienced. who’s to say?

something else that comes to mind re: forests and the uncanny is the illusion of timelessness. forests resist the passage of time, or maybe they just exist on different timescales. there are things in forests that have been living for longer than any of us; they remember things that weren’t around to experience. provided they haven’t been altered by human hands, they look much the same as they did decades or centuries ago. entering into a forest can feel like going back in time; if you cannot leave, you might feel that you are trapped in a moment that never ends. forests give a sense of slowing down things which are trying to rush too fast into the future; they root and trap, they snare and catch. how much time is passing? will you return to find your life as you left it? can you be sure?

the last thing i’m thinking about is that forests are ALIVE. that seems obvious, but a lot of horror has to do with things we regard as passive or inanimate coming to life, e.g. the haunted house or the hostile city. and forests are clearly alive, but when you stop to think about it, i think you get the sense that life in forests goes deeper than what is visible or comprehensible to the human observer. we know that trees ‘talk’ to each other through fungal networks; we know that plants know when they are being threatened, and react in order to defend themselves. and so the forest is not only a setting that is alive, but one that is intelligent, even if its consciousness doesn’t take the forms that we’re used to. and this sense that the forest is awake, that it is watching, even if it has no eyes that we can see.. it reminds me of when richard siken says “we do not walk through a passive landscape.” you can ignore your environs all you want, but when you end up lost in the woods, you are forced to confront the fact that you are one small living thing among many, and it’s as likely as not that the things growing up around you can see you just as clearly as you can see them. when you enter their field of vision, will they treat you with kindness? have you always been kind to them?

because we have made enemies of forests. obviously the “we” doesn’t include all people at all times in human history, but recent developments like industrialization, logging, deforestation, forest fires, etc. etc. have all contributed to widespread destruction of woodland areas. and it doesn’t take a big logical leap to think that forests, which we know to be conscious and aware of their surroundings, might harbor some resentment towards those who have been responsible for so much destruction in recent memory, that they might be interested in revenge. surely, being rooted and fixed, they cannot travel to make war on human cities, but if a human were wander outside the protection of their home or car and get lost in their depths, who’s to say what could happen?

ANYWAY haunted forest rights. what are everyone’s favorite fictional fucked up forests. mine are mirkwood in lotr, the forest of the nightmare king in fantasy high, cabeswater in the raven cycle, the fucked up people-eating forest in marielda, the forest of the snare dogs in the silt verses, the cedar forest in princess mononoke, area x in annihilation, the russian wilderness in the winternight trilogy, the forest where archie riverdale has a nightmare trip and gets attacked by a bear... i could go on 

[thesquidgame]

spontaneous is a heartbreaking movie but it is incredibly healing as well.

the plot is that the senior class of a highschool keels randomly blowing up, for seemingly no reason. now the how, why or what isnt important. the only thing that is is how it effects the kids.

the movie revolves around mara, who is pretty much an average weird high school student who has a best friend (tess) and smokes weed. she meets a guy named dylan who hs had a crush on her for a while and texts her after the first explosion.

they quickly start dating. it keeps on happening, and they get put in quarantine. kids keep dying and they create a pill called "the snooze button" to stop it. a bunch more kids die, which effects everyone differently. but for the most part, they react pretty realistically, at first you think "why the fuck aren't they super depressed" but then you realize its because at any second someone can die. they all sob for a couple hours after the next death, and then they hunker down and keep joking.

the snooze buttons eventually works, and after no deaths for a month, they get let. out mara and dylan have sex and mara and tess hang out more, even though everyone treats them differently.

they try to heal, and mostly move on, having a memorial and continuing life. mara and dylan have a few really good months and he tells her he loves her on his birthday, and its obvious she does too she jist isnt ready to say it.

they finally go back to school and everything seems fantastic and then suddenly kids started popping really fast. like 5 in a minute fast. everyone runs around screaming, and mara watches a bunch of her friends die.

she finally gets out of the school and dylan runs around to find her, and they embrace. they tell eachother how important they are, and as mara is about to tell dylan she loves him, there is a pop and the screen turns red.

it shoots back to a blood soaked figure walking down main street in the middle of the night. and it zooms in to show mara. dylan is dead.

she has a cut on her face from where dylans jawbone hit her, and she spirals. she shuts everything out, refuses to go to his funeral, and flushes her meds down the toilet. she googles online discourse that say that she had the curse. she becomes an alcoholic as a way to cope, and her parents do their best to help her, but they realize its best just to leave her be, because she could be dead tomorrow.

mara shuts tessa out and walks out of a liquor store with vodka, and the cashier lets her walk out without paying or id, everyone knows who mara is and whats happened.

an fbi agent wbo shes grown close to is there. mara drunkenly drops her vodka and throws it at the agent to try and get her to drink with her, and ends up smashing her mirror. her parents lecture her, but it doesnt work. she gets into another fight with tess, and spends all of her time looking at videos of dylan.

she shows up drunk in her halloween dress (she was carrie but she couldnt have blood on her thanks to the explosions) to her prom/ graduation, that is scarcely populated and kind of lame. she makes a drunken speech as she collects her diploma saying sorry and that it was all her fault. as she walks off, she hears all the survivors taking blame and apologizing, and she realizes that they all feel the same.

she goes to dylans grave and lays down. his mom shows up and asks if she can lay down next to her, and she says yes. she confesses to dylans mom that she wants to die and be with dylan and apologizes for not being at the funeral, and his mom tells her to keep going, as she lost her husband a few years before too. they fall asleep on the fresh grave.

mara gets sober amd goes off to college driving dylans weird truck.

i hadnt cried the whole movie but this next part breaks me, so be warned.

it starts a montage/ monolog type thing where mara tells the audience about how shes going to date guys, and marry some of them, and have kids, and become president and hang out with tess. she says that some nights she'll tell people about dylan and how much she loves him. the movie ends with her saying that shes going to live her life and never forget or stop loving dylan.

[laylanatorseventeen]

Im having the greatest drunken crisis of my life bc I got my pills to take them and my birth control pills mysteriously disappeared and I can't find it anywhere but I also DON'T REMEMBER TAKING IT so idk if took it and just DONT REMEMBER BC IM DRUNK OR IF I DROPPED IT AND JIST CANT FIND IY AND IM TERRIFIED THE CATS WILL FIMD IT AMD EAT IT BUT LIKE I CANT FUCKINF FIND IT!!!! DID I TAKE IT????? I DON'T!!!!! KNOW!!!!!

[c0untb00z]

I would just like to clear, I don't hate the BBC Dracula 2020 Show. In fact, I actually like the idea of Dracula being set in modern times like in the show, but I would like it a lot better if it wasn't written like a fucking reader insert fanfiction.

Don't get me wrong, I love me some reader inserts every once in a while but they're meant to be on Wattpad. Sometimes, you can find really fucking good fanfictions that could genuinly be movies, but this really just feels like someone wrote an erotic fanfiction for Dracula. It almost reminds me of a worse version of 50 Shades of Grey with less kinky sex.

First and foremost Agatha Van Hesling. I actually kinda liked her personality, how driven she was and determined to never give up, but she was literally created for a love interest. In Dracula by Bram Stocker, Sister Agatha is a nun that nurses Jonathan back to health, claiming he was 'sick in the head' as he ranted of what he had seen and warning others of Dracula. She doesn't even have a last name.

However there is a Dr. Van Hesling in the book, hes dutch(???) Professor that mentors and taught(????) Jack Seward who was in love with Lucy, who was fed off of and eventually killed and eventually undead by the means of the one and only Dracula. Dr Van Hesling plays a large role in the plot of the book. He has an open mind and was able to draw connections between things that some others couldn't, as he had access to more sources and could speak to most off the charecters involved. He's the first person to present the idea of a vampire, and Lucy turning into one. Thanks to Jonathan he was able to identify the vampire feeding on Lucy as Dracula and finds out how to kill the vampires.

So basically Agatha was literally fabricataed for the sole perpose of being there, to fall in love with Dracula or something.

I know we all are horny for Dracula. I'm horny for Dracula. Vampires are fucking hot but the sexiest part of vampires is that they ya know. Kill you and are mercily and heartless. The show does show that in a lot of parts and even decapiates a nun and yeets it into a gaggle of nuns which i fucking died at. But it also, humanizes him way to much, hes literally a monster. The scene in the boat with lord whats his name really portrayed that. It was really,,,, weird cause me being a kinky fucker I don't find the particular phrases of "you're going to need to be quiet now," and " youre doing so well" that creepy and if anything a little hot but looking at the circumstance and the look on that kids face, it was like r e a l y fucked up. Which is why i liked that scene. It showed just how fucked up Dracula is.

To be fair i did like Cleas Bangs acting and casting as Dracula. He had a certain charm that was ever so s l i g h t l y off. I heard people say he just 'made up an accent' but fuck you guys its a fucking danish accent you incolent twats anyways. He could be really funny at times and i actually apprecited it.

However the casting AND acting of the modern parts is absolute shit. Ep.3 is where i kinda gave up on the show and finsihed it for the sake of torturing myself. FIRST OF FUCKING ALL LUCY i cannot fathom how P I S S E D i am about Lucy. Why did they have to make her a phone obsessed basic asshole with no regards to anyones emotions besides her own and the extent of her personality is 'getting likes on socail media is all i care about because it makes me feel validated so im gonna wallo in self pity because i was obiously written by white man in his 50s that would have made me white if he wasnt forved to throw in diversity points" like shut the fuck up steven king.

Also lucy and mina never meet??? Theyre in different fucking time lines??? Theyre friendship and love for eachother was fucking golden how dare you rob that form me and give me a garbage bag full of shit with a shiny little bow on top in its place jesus f u ck.

The cemetary scene was o k ay i gues?? I liked the little nod to the book with the bloofer lady and the concept of random sprits being undead because of unfinished buisness. But this really just felt like it was slapped in the show for the sake of going on a date with Dracula in cemetary. I actually kinda apperacted it but it just felt awkward.

Also who the f u ck is Lucy's friend? The gay one??? Like,,,, is that supposed to Arthur???? His chatecter was so fu king weird and offset he just didnt feel like he should be in there. Hes literally just there for a-50-year-old-man's-interpretation-of-young-women-now-a-days verson of Lucy to have a gay best ffriend.

Ok i not even sure if i want to talk about Quincy. It just hurts. It physically hurts me to think about how d i r t y they did my baby. His charecter is the defination of american chivalry, just as great as regular chivarly but with a little extra cowboy vibe. Quincy is jist the biggest,,,, sweet haert,, like he asked lucy to marry him in his cool american cowboy voice cause he knew lucy loved it and it always made her laugh. And even when she turned him down becayse her heart belonged to arthur, he stayed. All he wanted was for lucy to be happy and all he requested was that they stay frirnds. Hes also invovled with taking fkwn dracula although hes not a main charecter percice ly as he doesnt have any entires in the book he still has an amaizing precence and sometimes while reading the book ill be readying one of dr sewards passanges and think "huh i wonder what quncys doin. I hope hes dooin good. Cowboy vibes n stuffs" amd boy dles he do that. Everh dracula film adaptataion robs us. R O B S U S of quincy morris best scene. In the middle of dr van helsing ranting about vampires( thats basically what half of the book is. I could write a 4p minute mono louge of his rambling jesus how does sweard take note of all this) quincy litterally just walks out. And nobodg really pays any notice beside glancing ag his leave and shrugging at one anouther and going back tl listneing tl van helsing explaining his vampire fan theories quincy moris , the quincy morris from texathe untited states of the amerkca the land and the free and also cowboys.stands outside of the bouilding and pints his gun up at. Dracula whos in the shape of a fucking bat eves ddopping outside the window and just fucking,,shoots it. Now he doesnt hit it cause thatt wouldnt be as fun as brutally stabbing the fucker witja wooden stake. But S T I L L. And the fucking bullet hits the window that everybodys in anprobably causes arthur to shit himself the ppoor boy. Can you belive that theh didnt fucking flim thatfor any dracul? Now i i under stands why not put in this adaptation because quincy is only mentionsed like three god damned times. And when theh DK mention him jesusnshit they literally jsut made him some popular jock from amwrica just to conter jacks white twinky ass and then they had him propose to lucy in the middle of a fucking night club and she says yes???? Lile ok jut throw Arthur out a window then cause cause fu c k him i guess. And then after lucy dies he jjsy fucking moves ?? The only thing thta makes this version of qincy quinccy is the fu king name and fact hes from america

Ok now jack fucking seward. He reminds me of when ylu forget you had a pb&j in your back pack so in the bos after school you pull it out cause yoyr hungry and yoyr mom put WAY to much jelly on it so now its like. All obsorbed into the bread and joggy and squished. Just sad and really white. They even had some kid call him whate bread and they werent fucking wrong. His obly personality traits were ' omg i love lucy but shes a hoe ;,,,((' and being connected to Zoe.

Now last and definately least the god forbaden ending. Just thinking about it gives me a fucking head ache. So , jesus, zoe, who is agathas great niece or someshit, a d looks exactly like her (its literally the same fucking actress) is a detective lile scitist reasearching dracula. So dracula is illedatly attracted to her becasue he thinks shes like agathas reincarnation or soenshit. So he tries tk drink her blood at one point and spits it all out and pukes and sjit cause her blood is poisonous bevaise she has fucking c an c e r. So later we find out that draculas weaknesses ( the sun crucifix) arnt actually real hes just afraid of dying so he has like irration fears or some shit so for some fucking reason. They deside. Its a good iea to end the show with this:

Dracula fucking drinks all of zoes blood killing her and himself because her blood poisonus. And ghe fucking emd scene is them like,,, in the sun???? Or soemt hi ng??? And theyre naked and like presumably fucked and dracula says some shit like " its doesnt have to hurt" and i almost tore my wrist open wiith my teeth because of how shitty this ending is.

Not lnly is it disrespectful to zoe but agatha, agathas whole thing was K I L I N G. dracula she wanted him fucking D E A D she woULDNT FUCK HKM

And like just after finding out that he can be in the sunlight with out fucking dying and that crosses just make him umcomfortable or some shit he just desides to kill himself??? DUDE YOU JUST FOUND OUT YOURE PROACTICALLY MORE INVINCABLE THAN YOU WERE BEFORE AND YOU JSUT FUCKING OFF YOUR SELF ??? HE COULD HAVE FUCKING RULED ENGLAD AND SPEAD VAMPIRISM OLL LVER THE FUCKING COUNTFY AND WORLD KF HE TRIED HARD ENOUGH AND HE KILLS HIMSELF BECAUSE THEY WANTED A STUPID SAPPY ENDING

anyway if anyone actually goes through the effort of reafing my god damn eS S A Y about Dracula that i finkshed typing (im not gonna bother editing tbh) at 4 fucking am. Then thank you and please get a life

[lnc2]

No i get that but make sentiminster ladybug amd like jist take away the mask. Make it without the mask. There is like 5 diffrent ways they find her identity and win like that only they dont which is on par for a kids show so like im not mad or anything but like comeon gabreil youre supposed to be a supervillian you know??

But they don’t know what her face looks like under the mask they just know her with the mask.  I know what you’re saying I’m just saying I don’t think it would work– they can’t create what they don’t know and they don’t know what she looks like under the mask so taking it off would just be a guess at best.

[ar-gos]

Wish I could commit to an exercise routine but I rly just do whatevr exercise until I get bored of it. Like i did 6 pushups before i gabe up amd jist did leg splits in bed for a couple seconds. The only thing im consistent with is the hand grip thing cuz I can just lay down where I am and play with it. Gotta find a better way to do my push-ups I want my babe to think im super strong and sexii

[greenorangevioletgrass]

I wanna read something bt when I open it i can't. Like for eg haz i start a fic of his amd then my mind jist remembers Gracie and I don't feel like reading anymore. If I try to find a wattpad book it defo has a sequel which is either underwriting OR abandoned 😭😭😭

-🌺

It do be like that sometimes 😣

[acethena-discourse]

Im gonma take this in good faith, but we did have our own resources and spaces! Historical resources. Aspec spaces. Aspec resources etc. Amd exclus went above amd beyond to try to get rid of them.

Ive been told dowm right by exclus our historical resources dont matter. Or they purposefully misinterpret their use (ir rebel blaze constantly willfully misonterpurts the image pf women from the 70s. Tryong to say we shouldnt use it as proof of asexuality in history bc the women in the photo were radfems for the 70s. You know....basocally modern feminist. However we use this image most often to refute the argument "asexuality began on avem" it didnt. This image proves it was at least a term that had a meaning different to modern day.) Or how theyll invade our apaces and bully us, svreen shot things out of context to then tey to report us to the places we use to host spaces.

We have a couple annual polls for us run online but meant to be just general information/stats and what resources we need, exclus then eith bloat these plls or downright accuse the people who share theor stories of abise and oppression of fakong it.

A good example of that is when i pointed out i habe had people sexually harass and assault mw for bwing ace, they love to tell me why it "really happened".

Hell exclus are so eager to bully,deny, and further abise of ace people that ace discourse was literally started by someone saying aces shoulsnt be allowed tocall the trevor project suicide hotline....and suggesting the way you find out ifa suicidal person is ace by making thwm out themselves or hang up. And of they were ace the operator should jist hang up.

Also before the "but coshet aces" that means nothing when exclus regularly call me, a man in a relation woth another man, cis and het to tey amd dink on me. Hell rebel blaze had the audacoty to tell me any oppression i experienced as an ace man was just misogyny. And if it wasnt it was "misdorected homophobia"

"Asexuals deserve their own movement and resources" YES!! Thank you for this wording!! I can't count the amount of times I've had to explain that I think asexuality is real and asexuals face their own forms of oppression, but that having it joined in with the lgbt community isn't what asexuals need! Because their needs for activism don't coalign with lgbt activism and their problems might be drowned out by or falsely joined in with ours and that won't help. I've had to explain countless times that asexuals would be better off with their own movement and people lose their minds when I say this and act like I hate asexuals or don't understand their issues. I love your wording and I'm going to use that in the future because it really says everything I've had to explain time and time again

I'm glad to hear that!

But yeah I don't understand how saying these things is always equated to aphobia or some kind of bigotry. It's a very black and white mentality about ace people and how if you don't comply exactly with what they're obsessed with, being LGBT""+"", then you obviously hate them or want them to suffer and don't see them as valid.

It's sad that there can't be legitimate discussion and resolution with that sort of environment.

[seouliloquy]

I am a complete disastrous wreck

I have been so depressed and so anxious and so apathetic, hypersensitive, easily irritated and downright miserable all at the same time for weeks now

My school has failed at helping me find a tutor for algorithms and seemed to given up trying at all since i havent heard from the education and learning center for two weeks now, despite them making false promises to get in touch with me soon about a solution to my problem.

I have skipped more classes this semester than ever on the excuse that i was not to be bothered to leave my room and needed a mental health day - which ends up being an even more miserable say because i feel guilt and shame and get even more nothing done than if i had been busy in classes. Othertimes i would skip so i could study for a test or take some time to actually be productive or get errands done that desperately need to be done during the day time that i dont have time to do.

I even called off work around 3 times.

I go to soccer to put off reality even more. I tell myself its because i’m a dedicated member of the team, because i need to social interaction, because it’s exercise and good for my health...but after practices i’m hardly feeling any better. I was coerced into playing goalkeeper in the freezing snow at the last and biggest most important tournament (all the more reason for me to be goalkeeper instead of anyone else because no one else can do it decently but me and i’m obviously not good enough to trust on the field so id i hadnt played keeper i likely would have barelt played at all and either way i felt like i wasted my entire weekend. In goal i hardly do much moving. They never take time to help me warm up. It was snowing and i’m standing there with 4 layers on still freezing my ass off and my toes completely numb and against Yonsei, the most important game, the 3 times i had to move at all i fucked up and let a goal in, letting us lose AGAIN and i know everyone blames me. Yeah i’m the better choice to do it but compared to the other teams goalkeepers i’m complete shit.

Whats the point of playing and doing something i’m supposed to love if doing it constantly makes me feel guilty and inadequate. I’m not skilled enough, i’m not fast enough, i still can’t fucking cross the ball and i still cant fogure out how the others who can do things well are so good at what they do despite the fact that i have 10 years of experience over everyone else...

Really the only reason i’d been going to soccer was just to escape from everything and avoid my other stressors because its all too much. I didnt have to think about algorithms or syntax or paying the tuition and rent bills or being lonely and unloveable.

I tell myself i go to the gym so i can have me time, to work on improving myself. Work towards getting the body that i want so i can feel more confident in my own skin. Work towards being stronger and faster so i can be a better athlete. Have a healthy routine so i dont develop athritis yet and have some stability to hopefully prevent flare ups.

Again, its jist another way to procrastinate. And even then i procrastinate or neglect going to the gym sometimes too. I survive off the temporary adrenaline high from cardio that tricks me into believing i’m okay when i’m really not.

Then i leave and i realize i could have spent that time getting extra sleep i need because my sleep lately is so poor and i never wake up feeling rested. If i didnt want to sleep then i should have gotten up and completed that homework assignment early or caught up on some studying that i desperately need to do.

Now with final exams looming over my head only two weeks away and i’m out of passes to skip class and i cant afford to cut my work hours anymore i’m stuck witg super limited studying time and no room to give and no motivatiom or energy to study when i should.

When i do sit and study, i cant concentrate. Nothing is retained in my memory. I struggle to understand things or comprehend a single paragraph of text and i fall asleep at my desk constantly or purposely distract myself with other things.

I’m gonna make a plan.

I’m gonna balance my budget.

Do laundry.

Clean my side of the room.

Organize my sock drawer.

Count my spare change.

Do some basic low-budget meal prep and pretend i’m actually going to eat less calories and eat less bad foods and treat my body like the temple that it is and feed it only the good stuff! Lies, she said, as she forgets about the container of a single overpriced cucumber in the fridge that cost 2$ and eats .80 cent ramyun noodles instead.

I keep forgetting to take my medicine - including my birth control- which i take for its contraceptive effects (like i could actually believe i’d be having sex anytime soon but at least i’m safe if i get raped because thats what i’m supposed to do, right? Be prepared for the worst) but i also take it to regulate my periods but i’m under so much stress and keep missing my pills thay my period is fucked up and my hormones are out of whack too only exacerbating my depression amd anxiett tenfold.

I have a fear of abandonment but i avoid getting too close to people because i know they are just going to leave me anyways. No, not leave. Forger me, dump me, use and dispose of me after my purpose is served.

I want so desperately to be the alpha female. To actually have my shit together and not merely seem like i do all the time. I want control of my life. I want to have less intense feelings about everything. I want to be invincible, admired and awed. Respected.

But what do i do to get that?

I’m mediocre at everything.

I dont have any special hidden talent. No one says, “oh you should talk to Lilo about that, she’s really good at that thing!”

I am a shoddy student and a shoddy musician and a shoddy artist and a shoddy athlete and a a shoddy cook and a shoddy friend (cause if i were anyone’s first choice they’d call me first for once)

I have no money, no academic merit or special skill set.

I’m completelt useless.

And i’m not pretty. I could get away witg being all of the above things if i were at least just pretty and still have a chance with society- getting a decent job, getting opportunities, being loved by someone else who isnt family....

In my current circumstances, how on earth is ir even possible for me to just “be happy” and “find happiness from within”

Being grateful for what i’m able to do doesnt help me feel better. It doesnt put things in perspective. I makes me hate this world even more that there even has to be people more worse off than me out there. I cant handle the cruelness and unfairness and superificiality of this world and all the people in it.

My body knows i’m not okay. My digestion is weird. My sleep and dreams arw wwird. My skin breaks out and i got hives on my hands and sores in my mouth from stress. I cry almost every day and spend the day with a tension headache from fighting the tears so i can appear “normal” in public because i’m embarassed and when anyone looks at me i want to scream at them and say “what daduq are you looking at, punk?” But i dont becauasw thats dangeous.

I’m just so sick and tired of everything and i’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of explaining myself because i’m not like my “normal” self. Where actually my real self is constantly screamig from inside my head and inside my chest to be let out like a child victim of abuse.

[clandestine-rabbit]

So this happened while i napped

So I had a dream i had been given a package from L.A. and when I opened it there was a letter from Gabe Saporta saying that i needed watch over the package with my life and take care of it. I was hella confused, thought it was a prank, amd went inside. Once I was inside and opened the large package to find a really cool tank, I opened the other large one and found this dude

But the size of a salmon.

Now I'm fuckin bryond confused but the fish seems pretty chill, I swear the little shit even waves to me and I waved back because no I'm not gonna be rude even in a dream. So I transferred him to the bigger tank and found another letter taped to the original tank. Again from Gabe; this one says that there was an accident and i needed to be nice to the fish and make sure he was fed well, he likes pizza amd sushi, give him healthy food also and if I have the chance go to Starbucks. I'm completely baffled by a giant salmon sized Betta fish and gabe Saporta for soke reason givjng me this fish. The fish isba pretty nice fish too, i end up taking care of him for a week and during thst week I play acoustic sometimes and the fish got super happy, sometimes it looked like he was dancing.

Finally i get an email and it's from Gabe telling me that Meagan's pissed that she wasn't told ablut the fish and i have no idea who hes talking about until Meagan literally calls me; I'm then informed that the Betta fish is Pete and that he was cursed by some drunk girl when he was walking home with Gabe. I'm hella confused (and embarrassed cause that meant fish Pete heard me belting out along TTTYG and Folie) but Meagan says jist keep him safe until they can fix him. Pete the fish hears his wifey on the phone and starts freaking out in his tank, I walk over and put her on speaker and she says she loves him and misses him and the kids are okay and that she's pissed that Gabe didn't tell her what happened. She has to go and when she does Pete the fish sinks to the bottom of the tank and I panic but realize hes sad as fuck.

3 days Pete the fish is bummed but at least gets up to eat, I even get him Starbucks. Gabe emails me and says they fkund the drunk girl but she doesn't remember what she did to Pete so she can't reverse it. Cue me thinking "frog prince, time to get the princess!"

So Meagan shows up at my house and of course is a lil grossed out st kissing a fish but it's her dork so she does and then there's a happy Pete Wentz dripping on my floor.

Then I woke up