#am very hurt
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Iām really struggling w seeing people who participated in the āletās gang up on and brutally harass this guy based on an assumption, because he makes a convenient scapegoatā incident of ā24 saying āI apologized :3 sorry I was just emotional :3 all done now :3ā
Hhgghgghghgh. Apologized to who. To me? To the other random people yāall harassed off the platform? Sorry, Iām still hurt over this, I say this as nothing more than an expression of my own feelings. No animosity, Iām just struggling. Like I still have no closure on this entire thing, the most Iāve gotten isā¦ people stopped telling me to kms? Which might mean they now understand they were mistaken? I do not know. Hsggdgs. I donāt understand how people are saying āI apologizedā
I wish absolutely no hate towards anyone, thatās never a solution, Iāve always advocated that. I only hope people grow and heal from this. I just wish I had even a smidge of closure.
#the whole time Iāve been thinking āSydney O Sargent would be shaking his head and frowning. he would never support bullying. ever.āā#and he sure as hell would never participate in itļæ¼#not my Sydney.#it makes me feel nauseous#I feel like people think Iām some big strong grown adult man guy dude. Iām just some teenager who posts art online#my following aināt even large. it only looks that way because this fanbase is smaller. Iām not untouchable. I was in fact very hurt#am very hurt#itās 4am and I canāt sleep again#venting on the personal blog again because idk where else to go and Iām pretty sure itās only friends here#I am glad itās over for some of them. I just wish I could move forward that easily#nobody seems to acknowledge the consequences of their actions and how they hurt people#and re-opened a lot of wounds I was already trying to heal#at least donāt lie about itā¦ donāt say you apologized
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Just gonna have to wait and see, right? Just wait and see! Just gotta wait and see! Who knows, we'll just have to wait and see! It's anybody's guess, we'll just have to wait and see! The future is exciting, we just gotta wait and see!
#personal#my art#Fuck your fake ass 'i am very smart!' intellectualizing āobservationsā and open your god damn ears.#do something for fucks sake. it's sickening seeing videos of ai crap and seeing rows and rows of repliers using their one brain synapse#to type āwow! very exciting!ā āhaha this is kind of scary! but in a really interesting way!ā#and then they go about their day without a second thought while creative industries burn around them#i go to one of america's top tech schools too and it's enough to make you wanna tear our your hair#every day it's seminars and talks about āthe potential consequences of ai!ā when the consequences are happening NOW#NO MORE DISCUSSING NO MORE INTELLECTUALIZING NO MORE SOCRATIC SEMINARS NO MORE DEBATING. ACT YOU COWARDS#people are getting hurt RIGHT NOW. stop pretending to care when you clearly don't! just be honest and say you wanna make money#my time here has really made me hate academic spaces. you people are so god damn useless and cowardly.
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there are a lot of evil people in the world and a lot of darkness in the world and so itās very important for me to stress that now more than ever is the time to spread kindness and compassion. combat the evil by not only not partaking in it, but actively refuting it. destroy the notion that being compassionate or generous or kind to someone is uncool or embarrassing or even scary. be the change you want to see. start a chain reaction. positivity only breeds more positivity. do an act of kindness for someone so that that person who is too afraid to do it themselves can see you, realize that theyāre not alone, and perhaps sheepishly follow your example. and then the next person who is too afraid but sees that person can do the same. when bad news comes out about bad people or horrible atrocities in the world itās such an easy impulse to despair, and obviously itās important to feel what you need to feel. grieve. be angry. be sorrowful. be empathetic. but dust off your pants and get up and be a part of a chain reaction that, no matter how small the scale, and spread compassion and love and care. all the reasons why you might notāāitās hard! itās scary! people will make fun of me! itās useless because thereās too much evil!ā are all grade A arguments as to why you should. you have no idea how many people you could inspire to do the same. even if it doesnāt get you anyway far, you can at least say you have the nobility of trying. please choose love and please choose life. you are worth loving and you are worth inspiring others to love
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he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.
except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?
at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.
except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.
about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.
he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.
#i used to think it was romantic too and then i was like. now i see it as a HUGE red flag#writeblr#it is also almost EXCLUSIVELY said by immature ppl who think this is normal#fyi even if u think it's funny and ur like 'im an introvert it's just TRUE' like. you need therapy (ily tho)#healed introversion is just ''i would prefer to be by myself'' not ''i hate every person'' ... hate is not normal. that is not healthy#im sorry. i know it feels accurate. but if you're walking around with that kind of rage....#1. you're making a LOT of assumptions about every single person u have ever met. which is often unfair and unkind#and also usually involves judging people based on their worst moments or little mistakes#2. you are being unfair to the person who is ur ''exception''#3. there is a VAST difference between ''ur my favorite person'' and ''the ONLY person i like.''#idk i think this is just a personal bias thing tbh#im sure there are people who have this experience normally#but i have YET to find a man who thinks like this and ISNT absolute DOGSHIT. although tbh.... like. im sure he exists#when u hit like 30 some of the things that were once kind of hot now just sound fucking exhausting. like ''im in a band''#edit in the tags: i used to kind of be like this too. but the thing is that like. my life became so much more peaceful#once i started believing that people are generally good. like yes i am mad at the world at large#but it's just.... a very hard way to live. you're not a bad person or wrong for the ways other people hurt you and taught you to be angry.#but that anger will continue to hurt YOU. it will punish YOU. it will prevent YOU from making new deep connections. it will protect you yes#but it will also cause MASSIVE blowback. bc if you lose the One Person... your life will fall apart. i know this personally.#i really recommend just trying to be... cautiously optimistic instead. like. yes#people can be horrible and cruel and there are some communities (incels for example) that aren't worth that optimism#but i think like... most people will hold a door for you . most people want to help you find your wallet .#i hope one day you are able to find peace. i hope that rage eventually smooths over. i know how hard it is PERSONALLY#and i know what must have happened to you. and im deeply deeply sorry we share the same wound.#but i promise - sometimes we all need someone else to help us carry the weight. eventually the rage has to die so that we can let help in#i had to spend years biting at outstretched hands. i still often do. im still very wary . and my heart breaks that you flinch too.#here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change#was needed. i needed change too. rage was useful for a while. then it just left me isolated and bitter. i had to (with effort)#choose to let that rage go. and let people in . VERY SLOWLY THO LOL
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Having dug out the Unfinished Tales to reference a conversation Tolkien wrote between Gandalf and Pippin (but didnāt publish) I thought Iād share it. Gandalf is talking to Pippin about the history of Thorinās company, hobbits and why he chose Bilbo.
This is evidence for the grand statement I just made about how Bilbo was intended to be a catalyst that changed his society, and that hobbit society was indeed significantly different after his journey, with large social changes occurring between The Hobbit and Fellowship. But itās also a very funny passage to me so here it is:
āAnd then there was the Shire-folk. I began to have a warm place in my heart for them in the Long Winter, which none of you can remember.
They were very hard put to it then: one of the worst pinches they have been in, dying of cold, and starving in the dreadful dearth that followed. But that was the time to see their courage, and their pity one for another. It was by their pity as much as by their tough uncomplaining courage that they survived. I wanted them still to survive.
(šššš. Also the theme of having pity for each other is what redeems both Bilbo and Frodo re: Gollum.)
But I saw that the Westlands were in for another very bad time again, sooner or later, though of quite a different sort: pitiless war.
(This is possibly one reason why this passage didnāt make it to publication - Gandalf shouldnāt have had this much foreknowledge of the upcoming war of the ring.)
To come through that I thought they would need something more than they now had. It is not easy to say what. Well, they would want to know a bit more, understand a bit clearer what it was all about, and where they stood.
(Itās also explaining that Bilboās role in Thorinās company was predetermined both by a more omnipotent Gandalf and by Fate; that Gandalf selected Bilbo to be a social catalyst, to return and provoke hobbit society into a more adaptable, resilient state; therefore increasing their chances of surviving.)
They had begun to forget: forget their own beginnings and legends, forget what little they had known about the greatness of the world. It was not yet gone, but it was getting buried: the memory of the high and the perilous. But you cannot teach that sort of thing to a whole people quickly. There was not time.
(Thus Bilbo was supposed to be changed, and return changed by his journey, to teach his people.)
And anyway you must begin at some point, with some one person. I dare say he was āchosenā and I was only chosen to choose him; but I picked out Bilbo.ā
āNow that is just what I want to know,ā said Peregrin. āWhy did you do that?ā
āHow would you select any one Hobbit for such a purpose?ā said Gandalf. āI had not time to sort them all out;
(He is SO funny)
but I knew the Shire very well by that time, although when I met Thorin I had been away for more than twenty years on less pleasant business. So naturally thinking over the Hobbits that I knew, I said to myself: āI want a dash of the Tookā (but not too much, Master Peregrin)
(This is brilliant we are always BODYING pippin constantly. NOT TOO MUCH TOOK š. We were ROBBED not having this in canon )
āand I want a good foundation of the stolider sort, a Baggins perhaps.ā That pointed at once to Bilbo.
(Eugenics! Observing them like laboratory mouse lines! Call him a Charles River BILB/o the way youāre genotyping these poor little bastards for your purposes)
And I had known him once very well, almost up to his coming of age, better than he knew me.
(??? Hiding in the bushes spying orā¦?)
I liked him then. And now I found that he was āunattachedā ā to jump on again, for of course I did not know all this until I went back to the Shire. I learned that he had never married. I thought that odd, though I guessed why it was; and the reason that I guessed was not the one that most of the Hobbits gave me: that he had early been left very well off and his own master.
(Was it cos heās gay as fuck, Gandalf)
No, I guessed that he wanted to remain āunattachedā for some reason deep down which he did not understand himself ā or would not acknowledge, for it alarmed him.
(I 100% now and for always love a narrator in a constant state of Just Fucking Lies To Everyone All The Time, Giving Us Nothing, Acknowledging Nothing Including Himself. NOPE NOT PROCESSING ANYTHING TODAY THANKS. WEāRE CLOSED. COME BACK TOMORROW. just A Massive Liar about everything and for what!!! Bilbo Baggins my beloved you were born wrong.)
He wanted, all the same, to be free to go when the chance came, or he had made up his courage. I remembered how he used to pester me with questions when he was a youngster about the Hobbits that had occasionally āgone off ā, as they said in the Shire. There were at least two of his uncles on the Took side that had done so.ā
You can see why I love this! And I can see why Tolkien didnāt include it, too. Still very fun passage and near enough to canon to be used if you ever want to.
#there is a joke here I will explain#Charles river breed laboratory mouse lines of which BALB/c is one of the most prolific in the world#all BALB/c mice are basically clones#š they look like this thatās the mouse . theyāre inbred white mice of over 100 years of inbreeding which is an unspeakable number#of mouse generations. thatās The Mouse of a lot of laboratory research.#which I did VERY briefly as a baby lab biologist a million years ago. the trick is to work in every scientific discipline so you can make#jokes like this which will hurt one (1) mutual.#also I am tagging this#weasel heart in defiance#just so I can keep it together for purposes of - no reason.#no reason.
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I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker.
[First]Ā PrevĀ <ā-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wen ning#wei wuxian#wen qing#jiang cheng#Truly Massive disclaimer here: I am a Jiang Cheng enjoyer. I like his character. I enjoy that he is very flawed and volatile.#This episode of the audio drama has a lot of great breakdown scenes featuring JC - and they all deserve a feature.#But underlying this comic is a small meta comment of 'ah man I have too many comics of JC just wailing sadly'#My goal is to draw 6-8 comics per episode - I sometimes have to truncate and cut good scenes out.#Especially when a large majority is just different flavours of trauma and toxic relationships to your self-worth.#I would also like to make a note here that just because you lose the ability to do something that is very tied to your core identity-#-does not mean your life is over. It will feel like the end of the world. It will send you into a spiral of grief. It will hurt so badly.#Sometimes we do not realize how tied up our identities can be in certain things until we are cut loose.#You don't lose yourself. I promise the pain will fade in time. I promise you will find other things to tether you. I promise you will be ok#Life moves forwards. Time moves forwards. You move forwards.#Ego death just means an opportunity for ego rebirth. You are never committed to being the same person forever.#To wrap this around to JC: Yeah I love the twist with the core transfer but man I would have loved to see JC accept the loss.#Obviously it happens for a reason (story) but I can have my AUs. I can have these 'what-ifs'.#described in alt text#I'm trying it out! *please* give me feedback - I want to eventually Add image ID to all of these comics one day
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*sighs* hello.
here, have some hurt/comfort reylo.
you're welcome.
#been having a very heavy burnout lately#lately meaning the last 3 months#cries#haven't been able to draw anything other than uni work#sometimes it be like that#but soon#soon i'll be back with some more updates on all my unfinished projects that I've been teasing#hopefully#it's been a while#who am i kidding it's been more than 4 months at this point#my deepest apologies#anyway#reylo fanart#reylo#rey nobody#kylo ren#ben solo#hurt/comfort
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you know the excellent quadruple life fan comic has me thinking about double life again. and MAN. thinking about the soul bonds mechanically. like, before I get into my meta-analysis itās worth noting that non-diagetically the soulbond mechanic being based on how many hearts someone has is basically the only way I can think to do it in minecraft thatās sensible, but diageticallyā¦
so do you ever think about how the marker of what made people soulmates in double life was pain?
like, soulmates share injuries/pain! thatās the whole premise! like, to the point that day one people were making up elaborate ways to hurt themselves so they could test for their soulmates! you met your (very romantic-coded) partner and confirmed they were the person you were looking for by hitting each other, generally!
being a soulmate in the double life universe isnāt about being compatible, itās about literally sharing pain, and itās justā¦ I think about how for some pairs, they share the burden between each other, and it brings them closer. for some pairs, though, the only way they know how to communicate is by hurting one another. and the thing is, this isnāt just a literal thing. like, mechanically, the thing soulmates do is share pain and communicate with pain, but metaphorically, can you say desert duo doesnāt have trouble communicating because half of how they know how to exist is either sharing in pain or causing it for each other? can you say that ranchersā strength wasnāt a pair of people who understood each otherās pain and desperation to be better than theyāve been before? can you say that divorce quartet isnāt, wellā
so pearl wins after scott hurts them one last time donāt you ever think about that,
#trafficblr#double life smp#abuse tw#SO. NOTā¦ REALLY.#although a solid argument can be made about this so Iām including the tag since this is a post all about physically hurting your partner#itās just that in-universe this isnāt normally framed as abuse.#(which I think counts for a lot here because it is in fact In A Video Game punching is normal mc body language)#but. so I KNOW shared injuries is already a stock soulmate trope and normally a whump one#but the thing is that none of those fics are normally as weird about it as whatever divorce quartet was doing#or impulse and Bdubs for that matter I didnāt put them in this post as to keep it short but#something something. Donāt you think THEIR problem was IGNORING pain until the very end#I am NOT ENOUGH OF A BOAT BOYS PERSON TO ECTEND IT TO THAT#anyway and bigb and ren were willing to surface-level share pain but werenāt either really willing to do it on a deeper level#anyway. it is nearly midnight idk if I am making sense but#sometimes I Think about things
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Poirot + ruthlessness AGATHA CHRISTIE'S POIROT (1989 - 2013)
"And he is ruthless, ruthless with those who commit crime. And they will be brought to justice." - David Suchet, BFI Q&A, Nov 12 2013
#poirot#hercule poirot#david suchet#agatha christie#tvedit#perioddramaedit#tvandfilm#poirotedit#*edit#poirot 1x01: the adventure of the clapham cook#poirot 1x02: murder in the mews#poirot 1x07: problem at sea#poirot 2x04: the cornish mystery#poirot 5x05: the adventure of the italian nobleman#poirot 12x01: three act tragedy#the contrast between his small stature#and sweet gentlemanly nature#and his ability to absolutely ruin your life if he wanted#is terrifying & police would believe his word over yours#even if you were innocent (hypothetically)#because of his reputation and high standing#which he has used before to create certain narratives#he even says 'i am the law' in the novel 'curtain'#the contrasts & contradictions make him very appealing#an element of danger in a smol penguin detective#AND ALSO#imagine poirot aiming the ice-y glare at someone#who hurt and disrespected you#poirot will protect you and care for you <3
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My eyes are up there ^^ keep going, at the top. š
Treat me ~ Tip Me ~ More of me
#It's a good hat. We're all looking at the hat.#But also my hips look very nice. Someone should get their hands on those.#cheeky#satans knitwear#girls with piercings#alt pinup#pinup girl#Mesh lingerie#bi girl#uk girl#Pupdate: my babydog is still poorly and not eating. Am up every hour giving her water with a baby syringe#She threw up bile a bit last night but she has managed to eat some yoghurt today. Her course of meds ends tomorrow so we shall see#My poor little baby is not having a good time. My heart hurts so much.#She still wags when she sees me tho so she doesn't hate me for forcibly hydrating her or inflicting gross medicine on her
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due to personal reasons i am now firmly on teamĀ āi hope aziraphale does change heaven for the better actually (going on the assumption that his return is as straightforward as it seemed etcāĀ
like if the alternative is just this ohhh heās so NAIVE and SOFT and so WRONG and heāll have to LEARN A TOUGH LESSON etc etc nonsense then yeah 1000% go for it babe knock it out of the park
i hope choosing hope and kindness pays dividends. i hope the soft traits that made other characters continually disparage and underestimate him and his intelligence turn out to be his greatest assets bc i kinda donāt give a shit about aĀ ātoughen up itās the only way everyone else knows betterā life lesson for this character
(which like honestly a lot of the rhetoric is dismissive of the fact that persistent goodness in the face of an existence of disparagement takes great strength and that at the end of the day aziraphale has always been able to stand up in his own way)
#good omens#good omens 2#good omens spoilers#aziraphale#aziraphale IS in fact a dark horse#he is consistently dismissed and underestimated and overlooked bc of how he presents himself!#even crowley does this with him (not in any sort of malicious way its a sense of protectiveness)#(i am not here to get into how aziraphale n crowley treat each other in ways that are unintentionally hurtful id be here forever lmao)#the point is that aziraphale is smart and tbh he knows more about how shitty heavens treatment has been the past few thousand year??#since he's. he's been the one getting treated badly. that whole time.#anyway theyre both right theyre both wrong and end of the day i just.#i hate the concept of a s3 that equates softness and kindness with being wrong and naive and dumb etc#it does not feel very good omens to me idk man#so i hope that's not where it goes
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there he is......the man of the house
#mine#ough hello not posted in a while!!#im busy doin portfolio stuff so . not much cat drawinign going on THO i will. hopefully do one tomorrow hehe#i was gna get stickers for my next shop update but its hurting me head so. gna order new prints hopefully!! this week and then#do stickers n postcards next time. i am so low on stock sihfdkggwe#need 2 buy envelopes also....my least favourite thing 2 spend money on#what hve i been up to ....i made a blanket!! maybe i will post picture. it was gna b a cardigan i started it like last year#n then i went 2 sew it together n was like. this pattern is insane also this wool is too thick so. blanky :)#its very good. good lap blanket!!#what else what else....been re reading lotr. im reading it on ebook i lov ebook sm. i love printed books but i jus absolutely cannot#read them. dyslexia gang rise up !!!!#im reading it so much quicker tho n also actually remembering it ....would die for gimli#also started rewatching cr2 >:) i dont . actually like th new campaign so KSDFKJDN rewatch it is#even tho i dont like molly. not that thats gna b an issue for long sifubshbhebwj#im so seepy...so cold.....gna rest now probably n play skyrim hehe#cat drawings tomorrow >:)#okay bye
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X-MEN: DAYS OF THE FUTURE PAST (2014)
#they should invent an iteration of cherik that doesn't make me want to kill myself#mine*#cherik#x-men#xmenedit#gifset#filmedit#erik lehnsherr#charles xavier#otp: i want you by my side#they never talk about this again btw#guys be honest do u think it blew up in their faces in genosha (it totally did. it 100% did)#i think its important to note that in most of the movies (esp. the prequels) erik is always very intently staring at charles without#blinking. and that the one avoiding eye contact or not being able to hold it for too long it's charles#charles does avoid erik's eyes a lot especially in dofp#while erik is always the one doing the intense staring into charles' soul thing BUUUT in this scene#you can see erik breaking eye contact for a brief second when he says 'for what happened. i truly am'#you don't get it he's so sad!! HE'S SO SORRY!!!! and yet he can't bring himself to look at charles in the eye because he gets too emotional#and also the second erik says 'for what happened' charles breaks eye contact too#they are hurting so bad and they can't look at each other in the eyes without getting emotional.................. i'm so normal about them
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beating down the situationally inappropriate gay thoughts violently with a stick.
[ids in alt]
#in stars and time#isat#poorly drawn isat#isat isabeau#isat loop#isat spoilers#isaloop#isafrin#sloopis#sifloop is implied lmao.#siffrin is... kind of there.#this is gay as hell. why did i make this.#oh wait! i know why. because its funny.#i hate gay people.#(this is a joke. i am gay people.)#i believe that up until this point loop has been trying to (metaphorically) rip his dick off.#and isabeaus been swinging between understandably hurt and bewildered and frustrated and very very determined.#now? hes just confused.
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ngl with the news of the grand prix driver association creating an ig account, i think they should really channel the 1982 south africa gp strike energyš®āšØ
#las vegas is the quite ironically the best gp to boycott too!!!#GEORGE RUSSELL HEAR ME OUT#south africa gp 1982#las vegas gp 2024#i think after the calvary that was the last race#something is brewing#š#and seb being involved too#f1#formula 1#what is f1 if not just a yaoi fantasy (the talks of mpreg during this strike were very real and they can hurt you)#max verstappen#george russell#sebastian vettel#lewis hamilton#carlos sainz jr#lando norris#charles leclerc#oscar piastri#yuki tsunoda#liam lawson#im joking... BUT AM I REALLY??š„“#what is f1 if not yaoi rpf?#gpda#gpda statement
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Laios's three Boy Best Friends. And yes, they hate him.
#dungeon meshi#laios touden#toshiro nakamoto#chilchuck tims#kabru#BF in this context could be boyfriend or best friend. The line is so blurry.#Chilchuck less so but whatever is going on between Shuro and Laios & Kabru and Laios is giving strong:#ādude if you were a girl I'd date the hell out of youā. And from the genderswap extra's that sentiment is canon for BOTH.#This was made prior to the translation of the Laios & Kabru & Shuro restaurant date comic and honestly I am just feeling vindicated.#I don't even know what to call this dynamic other than a situationship. There is so much going on between all of them.#Even on a purely platonic reading - the miscommunication and male yearning for friendship hurt so bad.#When we got the Big Hug scene in the epilogue arc I was whooping and hollering! Pure catharsis moment!#I also don't like hugs very much so I really felt it went Shuro ('hates being touched') went in for the bear hug.#Do not get me started on the agony of 'always lying' Kabru telling the truth (I just wanted to be friends)#and 'always believes' Laios thinking it's another lie and brushing him off.#I am once again supporting dungeon meshi day by posting art. Please watch dungeon meshi.#obligatory edit because Iām tired: YES. Chilchuck cares for Laios and him admitting it was a huge part of his arc#YES he is more just fed up with him that actually hating him.#I needed a third guy to be canonically done with his ass for the THREE WEED SMOKING GIRLFRIENDS reference
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