#am i gonna have to start putting one of those fucking “vent post do not sexualise” dni banners on all of my alt's posts.

[thenumber-e]

Wifeyyyyy! Tell me about Craig's sports Hobbies? Or Hobbies in general:3

ok feeling shitty rn so this’ll (hopefully) get my mind off of stuff

anyways oh boy there are SO many of these that i have this is gonna get long i think

starting off with sports, i feel like he’d be an active guy. not like gym bro buff craig kinda stuff you see, he’s definitely a lanky beanpole. but i feel like he does a few sports so has a bit of muscle

first off, basketball. i’m a truther for this one, i don’t see it a lot tho. like, i hc him as being pretty tall, and i don’t have much like canon advice to back this up but that and the fact that there’s a basketball in his garage in tsot- but i think it jus fits him tbh. and also because it’s funny, he’s a total fucking loser nerd, but since yk i’ve gotta stick to canon sometimes, he’s technically popular and attractive, he definitely has like a jock alter-ego or smth stupid like that LMAO

he definitely seems like a hockey guy. like- the enforcer is so him. he’d totally wanna beat people up just cus he can. also i think he’d be a really good skater- i think he’s a pretty well balanced person physically. also, i see kyle as doing hockey, and they’re definitely close. i just see them being friends making sense, so now theyll have a sport together. also- because im insane, ike does hockey too and kyle and craig help him practice

i believe i’ve seen this once, but yk. i always see boxer tweek and don’t get me wrong i love that, but i feel like craig would continue doing martial arts afterwards too. like he’s canonically a violent and angry guy, but he’s kinda mellowed out, and i feel like that’s him just holding it back or smth cus he gets in trouble alllll the time. tweek also probably scolds him for it. but i feel like it would be a good way for him to get out any extra emotions, because he is NOT good at expressing those. also, back onto lanky criag, he’s got long limbs, and i feel like that’s good for someone to do martial arts (trust me im projecting) also, that’s also why he has good balance i feel.

alright, done with sports, just normal hobbies.

starting off, he’s 100% a music guy. i see stuff about him preferring podcasts over music, but i see him as a total music guy. in @panicatthecourtx more recent posts, she kinda went over that stuff, but because yk, im the craig ceo i’ll go over it too. i call it dad rock cus thats what my dad listens to, but he definitely listens to nirvana, ac/dc, weezer, that kinda stuff. he’s just a nerd. but i feel like he’d also have music as a way to vent in some sort of way? idk if it makes sense this is just how my brain works, but when he’s stressed, overstimulated, or just down in the dumps he zones out and just listens to music. he’s also just a nerd

space, duh. he could go on and on about that shit for hours. he can make every constellation, am every galaxy, all the nebulas, and basically anything. especially black holes. they fascinate him, he finds them so interesting and yk. is a nerd about em. ik it doesn’t really tie in with space stuff but i’ll put it here, he definitely loves conspiracy theories, especially ones about aliens and stuff. he thinks of his own all the time. especially about other space related things. also, back to conspiracy, death absolutely fascinates him. he just want to know what happens after that.

this is a basic one, but sleeping. he’s the heaviest sleeper ever, literally sleeps 24 fuckin 7

he’ll never admit it, but he kinda likes school. not because he likes sitting around all day or listening to teachers drone on and on, it’s because usually he can talk about things. in classes he enjoys, it’s his favorite thing ever. i also see him as that one kid who literally never studies or pays attention and yet has all A’s in every class.

he’s 100% a reader. he can zone out and not lay attention to anything. he gets lost in books all the time and it’s so nerdy but he loves it. it’s almost like an escape from reality which he likes. he’d never admit it, but he frets stressed pretty easily so he enjoys the way to just be alone in his own world. this also ties in with the music hc- he probably listens to music while reading. he also just zones out a lot in general

this also kinda feeds into music headcanons but he skateboards. he just gives me 90s grunge/kurt cobain vibes and youll never change my mind on this. he thinks he’s so fuckin cool but he’s just some random ass lame kid but he gets away with it cus he’s mildly popular or whatever. but he definitely has a little mini skateboard for stripe

why do these headcanons keep feeding off of each other? i dont know but yk its ok. craig fucking loves mini things. it’s definitely iconic, cus my craig is really tall and has big ass hands. but small things remind him of tweek (my tweek is like 5’8 so compared to him yeah kinda short) but he’s just gay and loves anything and everything that reminds him of tweek

i’ve also realized i don’t need a really detailed description for everything so yeah uhh (don’t mind this it’s my train of thought)

he collects shit he has the most random stuff in his room. random lego pieces he found that he thought were cool, a shit tom of rocks, different leaves, little trinkets, anything space related, stickers, just stupid stuff. those are just the basics, but he has soooo much stuff

he loves making detailed lists and ordering them and stuff

going on hikes he loves hiking he just loves the outdoors tho

stargazing is a must. he loves it and has specific times and places for them

from like a singular scene in like on episode, he plays the fuckin violin cus he’s cool like that yk. because friends, he and wendy practice together- a friend headcanons that she plays the flute, so yk it works.

hanging out with friends is a must. especially clyde they have the bromance ever they’re so lovey dovey best friends

it’s like 2am and i’m getting lazy so here ya go this isn’t even half but alas it’s ok so have fun with my stupid ass spews ty for ur time

[babacontainsmultitudes]

In Defense of the Other Teens

Hello besties :)

SO how about that last episode huh? I've certainly seen a lot of interesting takes and cool art and all that come from it!

And I'm... Here to offer my two cents.

Alright y'all, a few things before we actually get into the meat of it. First, this is a long post. Like, even by my standards this post is pretty fucking long. I hope that I'll be able to keep you entertained throughout at the very least, but maybe grab a cup of tea or coffee or the like before venturing under the cut.

Second, my stance on things will become pretty clear I think fairly early on, if you haven't already put two and two together from the title of this post. That said, there are some fairy bold claims I'm gonna make here, and the fact of the matter is some of them may very well be disproven as soon as today's Teen Talk drops. But I wanted to get this out beforehand, partially as a show of faith in a certain someone, and partially cause honestly I think it's good to practice giving oneself room to be wrong about things. That said, there are still many other points that I think remain important regardless of what we find out next episode (or in teen talk), and I hope you'll find those interesting as well.

Next, honestly, the first few chunks of this little essay really start out as more of a rant/vent than a tight analysis, and I kinda start things in a weird spot if I'm being frank with you, so maybe just try to bear with me for the first few parts, ok? They're still important for the bigger picture I'm trying to paint.

Finally, if I come off as a little extra salty and sassy in this one, I am, but I *promise* it's all in good fun. :)

Alright, so let me tell you my thoughts about Lincoln.

You know what I think? What I honestly, genuinely think? Linc is the most selfless of the teens by a long shot. Like, there's literally no competition. Enough "all he wants to do is help other people and all they ever do is betray him" with respect to Mr. TalkedGrantIntoAPanicAttackThenLeft and more appreciation and recognition for Lincoln Li SayHiToYourDadForMe Wilson, I'm begging you. I could sit here and start listing examples of Linc's selflessness to you for a good long while, but really no set of examples could better illustrate what differentiates Linc from the rest of the teens than this exchange:

**

Scary: "Chosen one…""

Jodie: "Bat’tholemew, we don't use those words." 

Scary: "Somebody they wouldn't expect."

Taylor: "It's me. It's got to be someone that they don't expect."

Scary: "Yeah." 

Taylor: "Yeah." 

Scary: "It's got to be somebody who's really earned—"

Taylor: "Somebody who’s really earned—" 

Scary: "—the respect."

Taylor: "—the right to... And all the knowledge of all the animes together…"

Scary: "Somebody with more knowledge than anybody else."

Taylor: "Someone with— who knows what to do. S… "

Scary: "Somebody who knows what to do to step up."

Taylor: "Somebody who can step up and be the chosen one."

Scary: "And be the chosen one."

Link: "Hey…"

Normal: "Guys, I think… I might be the chosen one…"

**

Yes, funnily enough, it's Linc's absence here that says a lot about him rather than his presence.

What's more, I frankly just don't think it's fair that Linc can do *so much* for the people around him but the *one time* he decides to do something that (seemingly) goes against Normal's plan, it's depicted as some ultimate act of betrayal or Linc "giving up". I feel like we significantly understate how much the other teens *have* done for the sake of Normal's plan (seriously, are we actually gonna ignore Linc stabbing his leg on a candy cane- TWICE??), and how much they've lost in doing so. If every time they fuck something up undoes everything they've sacrificed or done right, well, that's quite the negativity bias!

So why don't we talk about Linc's decision, actually. Did we just witness Lincoln finally snap? Has he given up on Normal's plan to help the doodler? Has he given up on using empathy? Did Lincoln Li Wilson choose the easy option? I would say no! No to all of those! And I think especially upon a relisten of the final moments in the last episode, Linc's train of thought when he breaks the pic is actually quite clear. And yes, this is about Linc showing empathy towards Scary, but I want to talk about the actual implications of that a bit further as well. Let's start by looking at the final bits of dialogue leading up to the breaking of anchor:

**

Linc: "Scary, what are you even doing?"

Scary: "You gotta destroy it"

Linc: "We can't- you just heard the Doodler's gonna make the world worse it's gonna kill we just gotta find something, why do you have to destroy it-"

Scary: "You don't know that!"

Linc: "I mean you don't know it's not that way we can find another way to destroy it"

Scary: "No, Willy said that it's easier to control if we destroy the anchors"

[ANTHONY EXPLAINS THE SPECIFICS OF WHAT WILLY WOULD HAVE TOLD SCARY]

Linc: "Well we're not gonna do it that way okay, come on like, the easy way is-"

Scary: "Who died and made you the leader?"

Linc: "The easy way is usually the bad way right? Sometimes the better thing is harder."

Scary: "This is easier what you're just gonna tell the pic 'Oh I love you I'm so nice to you' and it's just gonna give you all its secrets that's not how life works."

[LINK TRIES SAYING I LOVE YOU TO THE PIC AND NORM EXPLAINS THAT HE ALREADY TRIED THAT]

Linc: "Okay well like you're right it's gonna be hard but- I know it's not a person but I don't want more people to die we've already killed enough people like can you just do one thing with us and just try to find a way to make this-"

Scary: "The Doodler is gonna kill more people you're not seeing the bigger picture!"

Normal: "What no, Linc don't listen to her!"

Scary: "Listen to me!"

[AND THEN LINC SNAPS THE PIC]

**

Okay there's... A lot to unpack here. I'll start by pointing out what I think are a few key things to take note of:

- Linc is seemingly adamant on choosing the empathetic route and not letting any more people get hurt

- Linc affirms that sometimes the harder route is the better one

- Scary rejects the notion that simply saying "I love you" or otherwise being kind in words could actually do anything

- Norm says "don't listen to her"

- Linc's decision to break the pic only occurs after Scary says what she does (above point), seemingly in conflict with what he himself said only moments prior about not taking the violent route.

What I think needs to be understood about Linc is that, more than anyone in the group, Linc's decisions are calculated. Yes they often catch us off guard (seriously the amount of times Linc has done something that's made me actually gasp in shock is a bit crazy), but once the dust has settled, his decisions are always clearly consistent with who Linc is as a person and his philosophy, and accordingly, never come from a place of selfishness. The humor of it aside, when Linc says that he never misses any shot that he takes (:( Can't find the exact quote), he is entirely correct (and admittedly while I probably should gather various examples to show you what I mean, Linc swapping places with himself and Nicky really is the most perfect demonstration I could possibly ask for, as it showcases both Linc's aforementioned selflessness and how Linc's seemingly shocking decisions are never actually accidents or executed with uncertainty on his end). Try to keep these above points in mind as we move forward.

Next, let's consider the pros and cons for Linc of breaking or not breaking the pic, as seen from Linc's perspective. I suppose the general impression I've gotten thus far is that many people seem to be interpreting Linc breaking the pic as a likely (or sure) sign that he has "given up" on Normal's plan, and given in to choosing the "easier" route. This, I perhaps a bit boldly argue, raises a number of questions and ultimately implodes in on itself as an interpretation after even a brief consideration of them. At the most basic, and perhaps least interesting level, it's not like it would be that hard to search a little bit for some demonstration of love (especially with a certain pair of will-they-won't-they partners not too far away... Though I feel like the pic also could have been interesting as applied to some of the other characters around right now? Anyways...) You could say then, that maybe Linc simply doesn't care about using empathy, and has ultimately lost confidence in Norm's plan by this point, so he takes the path of absolute least resistance cause, well, whatever. But wait, didn't Linc *just* say that they weren't going to do things that way, and that he doesn't want more people to be killed? (You might say then that he thinks Scary has a point on "not seeing the bigger picture" and believes that choosing violence here will result in less deaths, but frankly I just don't think there's anything promising or compelling enough about Scary's argument here for Linc to have any real reason to believe it, all the more so given Willy’s involvement). Are we to think, then, that Linc changes his mind purely on a whim, and a whim influenced by Scary of all people no less? Frankly, I see this as a severe underestimation of Linc's strength of character, and this is where we really do need to consider the degree of calculation and confidence that goes into Linc's decision making and risk taking. What I'm saying is, Linc simply doesn't fall victim to selfish impulses that way (and within the group this is a quality unique to him!). Moreover, even if Linc might have his doubts in Norm and his plan, he still has significantly more reason to go with that than to listen to Scary. Seriously, Linc has every reason to not listen to Scary here. When it comes to what Linc cares about the most, Scary has without a doubt harmed Linc more than the Doodler ever could (The significance of Tony Pepperoni being stabbed in Linc's home in front of his dad  c a n n o t  be forgotten or understated!!!). Even if Linc didn't care at all about showing empathy to the Doodler, if he were acting purely out of selfishness he would still have more reason to do so if only because it means not giving the satisfaction to or otherwise helping Scary (and Willy).

But Scary is confused, and Scary is lonely, and from her perspective she probably does feel betrayed. We (and Linc) are given some important information regarding Scary in this episode. Firstly, we get a glimpse into how Willy has twisted things and convinced her that violence is the better option (not because it's easier per se, but because more people will apparently be saved in the long run). Second, Linc finally understands what Scary needs... Or at least what she doesn't need. Specifically, he understands that simply saying "I love you" isn't enough. He understands that Scary will never believe it no matter how many times it is said, and that to really prove to Scary that she is loved and get through to her, he needs to show her, has to prove to her that, despite everything, he is still on her side.

Linc, I dare argue more than any of the teens, has so much reason to leave Scary behind. But he understands her now, and, against Normal's wishes, listens to her. In a weird way (if I'm not dead wrong about this whole empathy thing), this kind of is Linc's "throne of the doodler" equivalent. It would be so easy to not break the pic, to not choose to (help and) empathize with Scary after all the pain she has caused him, but that's not the kind of person Linc is, and I hope the points I raised earlier make that reasonably clear.

So no, I don't think Linc chose the easy option. I think he believes himself when he says that sometimes the harder route is the better one, and followed through on this when he took his shot.

Sincerely, if you think the Doodler is just a scared teen deserving of empathy and sacrifice and making tough decisions, but Scary isn't, then I think you've missed the point. The Doodler is just acting out and needs help, but when Scary or Linc break an anchor through violence (be it violently empathetic or not), we give up on them? We hope for Normal to abandon them when they're hurting and depict it as deserved or even righteous? I can't get behind that, I'm sorry. 

Furthermore, whereas Norm would certainly be justified in feeling concerned for the Doodler's sake if Linc's actions count as an act of violence, apart from that like, if Norm chooses to interpret Linc reaching out and showing support to someone as lost and alone and in need of help as Scary as a personal attack against him, either as a betrayal of their friendship (Norm is very jealousy-prone we’ve known this from the start!) or as a direct attack against Norm's perfect little violence-free narrative that lets him be the hero regardless of who gets left behind wait does he actually just hate Hero cause of her name hm, then that is, respectfully, completely a problem with him, and not with Linc. I think if Normal actually snaps from this, then his entire philosophy of choosing empathy is based on a lie, and Norm just wants to follow the narrative that allows him to be the hero on paper, so that everybody finally loves him.

Well that's a bit harsh huh. Believe it or not, I'm genuinely not trying to throw Norm under the bus here. But... I am trying to expose his flaws and shortcomings in relation to the other teens. This is important moving forward, because in refusing to seriously acknowledge the fact that Norm, while still having plenty of good in his heart, is someone who can be quite self-centered, and ultimately cares about being well-perceived and loved first and foremost, we become blind to the ways in which Norm, like Scary, is vulnerable to future instances of manipulation. That bit on appearance vs. true compassion isn't mere interpretation, by the way, Will has stated this quite clearly in episode 27 of teen talk (and in general I'd really rather not rely on that kind of bonus content in these sorts of posts but, well, it's hard to ignore this):

**

Will: (In reference to Norm's scene in the pride layer) "I feel like I understand Normal better now, like a kind of darker side of his psyche that's different from Henry... Like Henry's very concerned with being a good person but I don't think is super concerned with whether people like him or not, whereas Normal is like a little concerned with being a good person but *mostly* concerned- it's two different ways to solve love [he explains what it implies for Henry], the other is 'if everyone else likes me, that means I can take that in as well'."

**

I need to stress that I am not trying to imply that Norm is anywhere close to being a bad person, btw. Normal, like everybody else, has his flaws, but has proven that he has plenty of good qualities as well. What I *am* trying to imply is that Norm does have a tendency to put himself at the center of things, and is from a more meta standpoint benefiting from a narrative that puts him at the center of things (more or less guaranteeing that he will be seen as a hero of sorts no matter what- evident even in how fandom largely depicts him vs the other teens), and I'm just saying that if ever he found himself in Oakvale by some chance he might really appreciate the enforced anti-violence initiative put in place by the town's noble leader who really just gets him and praises him and-

I know (almost) nobody wants to hear this, but if Normal actually had a villain arc, it would most likely consist of him falling down the same path that Barry did. Barry was a hero, on paper. And the people around him certainly saw him as such, and loved and accepted him in some sense of the word, which is what he truly wanted at the end of the day. And he got rid of all the violence!!! 

But none of that makes Barry a good person.

*sniff sniff*

Hey... Has anyone else noticed the distinct lack of stinky weebs in this post?

As much as I myself am a bit more interested in the Linc side of things right now, I do need to talk a bit (or a lot) about Taylor too. My little guy! You haven't even had a proper, serious character arc yet and people have already decided that you don't have a shot vis a vis the upcoming anchors, despite easily being the most emotionally resilient and stable of the group. You know what, I'm gonna throw in most loyal too. If you'll humor me...

Taylor may not be the most empathetic of the teens (in fact, he may very well be the least), but this doesn't mean he doesn't care, and doesn't mean he isn't kind in his own way. What's particular about Taylor's brand of loyalty compared to the other teens that I think might make it a bit easy to overlook is that it while it is very strong, it tends to be reserved only for the people he chooses to call his friends (oh, and his mom!). There's no question of Taylor's choice to disregard what Nick tells him and go back to save Linc from the FBI, it embodies some of the most fundamental parts of who Taylor is as a person. Which I guess is to say that, there are ultimately only so many people Taylor chooses to have in his circle, but those bonds are extremely important to him, and he really is ride or die about them. I think that this aspect is most obvious when looking either at Taylor's relationship with Linc or Cassandra, but also with Hermie actually! Oh, and similar to the example with the FBI, Taylor's response to the whole Tony situation is perfectly consistent with this aspect of his character as well. Tony was not part of Taylor's circle, not someone he chose to let himself get attached to (because when Taylor gets attached to someone, it is indeed a very deliberate choice), so no, he's not gonna care that much about Tony's death. But he is bothered by Scary's betrayal. He is bothered because, even if they weren't the closest, Scary was, I would argue, still part of Taylor's circle. And yes, he is bothered by Linc leaving him alone in the last episode for the same reason, except that in this case it's probably worse actually. I know I'm straying pretty far from the original topic here, but still I think it's worth exploring the interesting position this puts Taylor in going forward, especially with respect to Nick. 

("Seriously baba when did this become about Nicky literally what are you talking about right now?")

Thus far, Taylor has made it very clear that no, he is not going to allow Nick to be someone he becomes attached to. There's a risk, in loving and becoming loyal to someone as strongly as Taylor does, and Nicky has not yet proven himself to be a risk worth taking. So what happens next? Nicky is (finally) around after all, so what might the future hold for little Taylor? On the one hand, Nicky's "words of advice" might begin to get through to Taylor, which could leave him in a pretty dangerous position. Taylor takes a big risk every time he lets someone in (everyone does but Taylor more than all the others because of how fully he loves and trusts and protects, is what I'm saying- er... He's a lot like his dad that way actually!), so what if Nick convinces him that nobody is worth that risk, and that everyone you hold dear will ultimately betray you? Well, I think we'd be left with a very lonely Taylor! Conversely, what if Nicky decides to prove himself worthy of Taylor's love? What if Taylor comes around and lets him in? ahaha shit I feel like there's a bad joke to be made about Taylor keeping his dad at arms length and his dad not having any arms right now god fucking damn it what even is this post. Will Nicky be able to maintain that trust? If he abandoned Taylor again, after Taylor has allowed himself to become attached (or if something happens to Nicky cause lets face it horrible things tend to happen to Nicky), I think Taylor might finally have a hard time getting back up.

What the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah, so I guess going back to Norm, on the one hand, I guess on the more extreme end Taylor could actually take Linc's actions very hard, in which case I actually could see him sticking with Norm as an act of self-preservation. That said, I don't personally feel that this will be the case, that Linc is still ultimately in Taylor's circle, and accordingly Taylor's loyalty towards Linc will persist, albeit perhaps with a seed of doubt sewn at the back of his mind. And I don't think in that case that it's fair to frame this as Taylor betraying Normal? As others have pointed out, Norm frankly just hasn't really earned much in the way of Taylor's friendship. Really, as far as I'm concerned, Taylor doesn't really owe Norm much of anything at all. From the very beginning Norm has made it clear that he doesn't particularly care for Taylor, and ultimately has let his own jealousy and desire for attention (especially Linc and Hermie's attention) get in the way of ever really getting to know or appreciate Taylor beyond the surface level. Would I call it betrayal for Taylor to choose to continue to support his best friend instead of the guy who told him that anime isn't real? No, and I think the double standard is pretty obvious if we consider the reverse. That is, if Taylor chose Norm over Linc, after everything he and Linc have been through, would we be framing Linc as the victim of some grand betrayal? I genuinely don't think we would, at least not to the extent that we would with Norm. I suppose I'm saying all this, because well as aforementioned I just find there's been a lot of undeserved cynicism towards Taylor, and I think a lot of it does genuinely come from Normal's privileged position within the narrative as its de facto "hero" and what is most convenient for maintaining that image (and when I say "hero", that does include "righteous villains" who "deserve(d) to snap", just so we're clear on that).

Hmmmm I kinda wanna talk about Taylor and Normal as each other's foils but this post is getting a bit long isn't it... *Sigh* Not today, no, not today.

......Okay but still I have to say that if Taylor actually does finally get his "main character moment" I actually think that would be a great opportunity for Norm to acknowledge, reconcile, and learn to cope both with his jealousy and the parts of himself that are self-centered. Conversely, if Taylor does for one reason or another stray a bit too far into the habit of keeping people at arm's length out of fear of abandonment, betrayal, or the like, I think he could learn something from Norm too (having trouble phrasing exactly what I mean here, so perhaps I'll save the full notion for another time!)

So that's... Yeah, I think that's the most important stuff. I debated on sort of elaborating on examples of Norm's major character flaws, but despite everything my intent here was first and foremost to offer a "defense of the other teens" more than anything else. Though I will say that I think there is something to be said about how Normal's self-centeredness gets in the way of his ability to actually help those around him (Grant and Taylor both being great examples in "The Staircase"), how this contrasts with Linc's willingness to actually listen to and figure out what Scary needs in this most recent episode, and accordingly what Normal could potentially learn from Linc about not just choosing the route that's easiest for you.

[eventide-imp]

This is a vent post. It's kind of long I guess. I just needed to put it somewhere because I feel like I'm losing my mind. And I had already woken up depressed as hell yesterday when part of this happened.

I need someone in charge of the strings of fate give me a FUCKING break. Gas gets cut off with no notice and we manage to get it back on after four days and TWO calls to the gas company. Since the pilot lights went out because there was no gas, the oven is still dead and there's no way for me to relight it. It just keeps giving an error. Which means spending more money for it to be serviced.

The water heater light was also out. Well guess who's going on almost two weeks with no hot water now because after getting the gas back on, we discovered the fucking control panel for the water heater is dead! Which means we can't turn the damn water heater back on. It's 325 to replace it OR over 900 to just replace the whole damn thing.

And the shower doesn't work. It's a simple part to replace but the one my grandmother bought doesn't fit. my grandmother refuses to pay a plumber to come fix it or just buy a new part that should fit. That's been broke for over a month. So everybody has to try and wash in the tub, and now in freezing cold water. I finally ended up going to my mom's just so I could wash my hair for the first time in two months.

And then my 12 year old Big Pup was doing a very normal 12 year old thing. Being curious about one of those character chatbots. His friends use it, so of course he's gonna want to look at it. Frankly I'm only concerned about him potentially getting something 18+ out of it. My ex on the other hand is CONVINCED someone could hack it and start talking to him through it??? Nothing I said could dissuade him from this, even when I said it doesn't work like that he just insisted "well it has HUMAN OVERSIGHT doesn't it!?" And like yeah but that's still not how it works???

The only real issue, in my opinion, was Big Pup feeling the need to sneak around to use it. My ex was also concerned that the kid was apparently talking to the character like a romantic partner, which, I don't actually know what that means. And he didn't bother to take a screenshot or anything to show me as an example, so I still have no idea what that means. His other concern was the kid not feeling like he could talk to people well and struggling to socialize. Which is normal??? For being 12???? Like middle school and high school are AWKWARD AS FUCK, there's so much going on for them to deal with!

I made it clear I had no issues with finding a therapist for Big Pup (he's an anxious bean, has parents who aren't together, has a younger sibling with a decent age gap, he's got a lot to cope with!), and I was also not opposed to getting the kid into after school programs so he could try to socialize more within his hobbies.

But I offered to show the kid ao3 so he could have fanfic to read instead of using the chatbots. I thought that was a good compromise. My ex just said "NO. He can write it if he wants but I don't want him reading anyone else's stuff. Yeah that's your thing and you read it at his age cause your parents should've been paying more attention to you."

I......I am trying not to take the rest of what he said personally, because it basically just continued like that where he shut me down instead of at least considering that as an option alongside the other things. And comments about my parents not paying enough attention to what I did on the internet. but it just really REALLY felt like he was basically saying he doesn't want our son to end up like ME.

I know I struggle socially. I always have. The only time in my life where my friend group was greater than four people, one of whom was usually my twin, was high school and that's purely on the patience of one girl deciding she was gonna stand in front of my desk to talk to the nervous and shy mouse of a girl with the manga during history class the first day. And then three of her friends, all of them having been friends during middle school, joining her. They stood around my desk and talked over my head for three days before I got the courage to actually join the conversations. And then they found out the school had an anime club. And even in anime club, surrounded by peers who actually liked the same things I liked, I still struggled. I still talked the least. They didn't care. I was there and listening and could manage a few jokes, that was enough.

Most of my friendships moved online after I had Big Pup. Nobody wants to keep inviting someone who can never come out anyway. (My family staunchly refused to babysit unless I needed to go to a doctors appointment or do the grocery shopping). I'm very glad of my online friendships. They've helped me so much. I try to return the favor as much as possible. They've bought my kids Christmas gifts, and birthday gifts, and helped me with transportation and so many other things. They're part of my support system. I love them.

I know I'm not any better socially. If anything I've probably gotten worse. I KNOW I've pretty much stopped masking my neurodivergence most times. It's just too exhausting to have to pretend to be neurotypical 24/7. It's part of why I burnt out and my body crashed. Nobody really wants to accept it. So I still have to partially mask. But I can't keep it up. I just can't. It's too much for my own mental health. My ex is adhd. I've got epilepsy and a strong case for autism. Both Big Pup and Little Pup are blatantly neurodivergent. It's always been obvious to me. But my ex has been in denial about it for years. He's only just recently (like the last three or so months recent) come around to the idea that they are.

And apparently the thought that they might be like me is too much for him. But I'm supposed to take myself out of it. I'm supposed to not get defensive. I'm supposed to not take it personally.

AND ALL OF THIS WITHOUT ANY GODDAMN HOT WATER.

[thatdisasterauthor]

Sigh.

Don't really want advice, I just need to vent a little. Gonna stick it under a readmore too, because it got a little long.

I'm burning out so bad at work. I love the idea of this business, it's super fun in theory, as is what I do there. But the way the business is run is a nightmare, and the job does not pay anywhere near what it should. And I thought that was going to get better this January, because the owner finally admitted that we need a full marketing department and asked me if I wanted to run it if I were to be given an appropriate raise, and I told him yes. Then we had our January meeting where we were supposed to discuss everything and he said he's actually decided to interview outside candidates and only consider me as one of them.

Which is fucking bullshit. I built this marketing department from the ground up. They didn't even have fucking business cards when I started. Every initiative I've done has gone massively well for being nothing but hit-the-bricks marketing with zero budget.

I get that, legally, they are required to post the job within the company, but they aren't legally required to post it outside the company as far as I can tell. (Nor have they ever done that before anyways...)

And before this was revealed to me, I sat in on an interview and all the owner talked about during the interview is how much he loves people coming into the business and finding their own way and building new skills. He went on and on about the two main people who have done that, and how much he values them. Neither of them had to reinterview against outside candidates to run the departments they now run. Just me.

I know why it's happening too, which makes it even more annoying. The owner has ZERO idea what I do. None. I do not report to him. Every time I'm in a meeting with him and start trying to explain stuff I get some version of "oh, I just don't understand all of that." I think there might also be a touch of not liking me because I stand up to him. There was a big issue with Twitter over the holiday marketing season because I explained how, despite being our best platform, Twitter was too unstable to be as useful as normal due to the Musk takeover and the owner went OFF about it, about how I shouldn't be "bringing politics into it." Nevermind that ANY corporate takeover is going to be destabilizing for a time and the man has never used Twitter in his life so how the hell would he know what's going on. (Also, not even 5 minutes later he told me he didn't want us using TikTok "because of the Chinese." What was that about not getting political, sir?)

It's really clear that I'm just never gonna get the respect and support I need at this job, despite how great my direct boss is. I'm also really fucking tired of working somewhere with an HR lady that can't do her job and refuses to give us direct deposit because it's "too hard" and doesn't put our accumulated sick time on our checks like she's supposed to because she can't figure out how to make the system do it, so we just have to email her if we want to know.

And I've been applying to jobs! I've had interviews! Some of them have seemingly gone well, it's just that none of them have gone all the way to hiring me.

Even if I get a new job it isn't going to fix the fact that I'm burnt out, because I can't afford to take time off between the jobs to actually rest. I've got, like, $100 in savings right now and nothing in checking until my paycheck shows up this week. (And because we don't have direct deposit, the check could show up anytime between Wednesday and Saturday, unless HR had some random shit come up and didn't get the checks out on time, which has happened before.)

And I should (should) have two weeks paid vacation now that I've hit my third year at this job, but I don't want to just use it all up in fucking January in case I am stuck here for the rest of the year, but I could really use those two weeks right now.

Then, in the background of all of this, is my art and writing stuff. Especially The Pits/its Kickstarter in a couple months. If that Kickstarter goes as well as I'm hoping I probably COULD afford to take some time off. But I won't know about that until the end of March when it finishes. And also, I really don't want to be putting all my baggage from my day job on this one project. That's not good for me OR the project.

I'm fucking tired. I was so close to finally getting ahead of all this before inflation hit last year. So fucking close. And then it all went away. I just want a job that pays me what I'm worth and respects what I can do. That shouldn't be so fucking hard.

[bluestjayy]

Emotional Post/Vent under the Cut (but positive this time, I think!)

I've been suffering with chronic depression since I was about 14. I've cycled through therapy a lot, I've been on antidepressants since I was 18.

You get some good advice and you get some bad advice. And often this is also contextual to yourself. Some things that work really well for me might make other people worse, that kind of thing.

By far one of the best bits of advice I ever got was to find something to keep you alive right now. Doesn't matter how small it is. Doesn't matter if it feels silly or inconsequential, if it works, put it on a list.

A reasons to live list.

Recently as I've been in what I think might be the worst mental health state of my life this far, I started small. Really small. And I mean each reason bought me a few hours.

I can't die yet because I have to take the trash out and my roommate is too scared of the bin store to do it herself. I can't die yet because I have a food item in the fridge that will go off if I don't eat it today. I can't die yet because the youtuber I like just posted a new video so I should watch that first.

After that, you start to buy yourself days. It's I can't die yet because I kinda wanna see the Venom movie this weekend. I can't die yet because there's a new episode of my favourite show this week. I can't die yet because on Fridays we order takeout food and I'm really craving it.

Next comes weeks, and even in some cases, months. I can't die yet cause I bought the perfect Christmas present for my friend and I want to make sure she gets it. I can't die yet because I have a pre-ordered item arriving. I can't die yet because they're gonna make xyz show/movie and I want to watch it.

I can't die yet because I have unfinished stories I want to tell.

And now, I am getting to look further ahead before than I have been able to for a very long time. I'm getting to say things like, I can't die yet because I'm going to own my own place one day. I can't die yet, cause in a year or two I'm going to go to Thailand with my best friend. I can't die yet, because I want to be able to get a pet cat one day, and then I won't be able to die because they'll need me to take care of them.

It feels good, that all my small steps are adding up. It feels really overwhelming that I'm starting to see these little but very real changes in myself, that I can start to see a path to a future where I survive.

And wish I could tell many people, but specifically Jeff, Barcode, and Bible (+ the whole 4 Mins team tbh) how a lot of the time, especially in the early days - they were my reasons.

There were days I woke up and said I can't die today because Barcode has a new song I need to hear. Or I can't die today because Jeff is in concert and I'm not missing those fan cams. Week to week I would tell myself I can't die today because I need to know what the fuck is happening in 4 Minutes.

They've helped me get to the point where they're part of my much bigger goals. I can't die right now because I want to see Jeff perform live in person at least once, I can't die until we get Wuju Bakery AND Happy Ending on our screens. I can't die until Bible comes to Europe somehow.

And in all of this, if you're reading, I need to also say how this community has helped me so much. This little corner of the internet we have gathered together. So much of me waking up each day is tied to not wanting to miss the stories you write and the art you make and the meta you discuss and the GIFs and the fanvids and the brainrot. All of it. Has helped me keep going, so as much as the idol's we look up to, you're all very important to other people.

There's folk out there who think about you on their worst days and feel comfort. Who seek out your creations to soothe themselves. Who find community in your Tumblr blogs and discord servers so.

Thank you, I guess. To all of you, and of course, to the boys.

And for anyone else struggling. Find a reason. Any reason at all. Make a list, and stick with us.

The world is a better place with you in it 💛

[vivizn]

Re: the tags you put on my post; you don't have to figure out the gender stuff all at once. You mentioned dresses? Try wearing dresses! Try a different set of pronouns, try a new name. None of that stuff has permanent ramifications. Take advantage of your group of non-cis friends for support with the name and pronouns stuff, they'll be thrilled to help. If you're "wrong" and you're "just" a GNC cis guy? That's still a great thing to be, if you're doing it on purpose!

(Future me here, quick info. Context at the bottom, and OP this turned out kinda long so read this when you have 5min to spare.)

Oh, uh, hi

Sorry, didn't expect a feedback on that, i was kinda yelling into the void and i keep forgetting this site is made of people ^^'

First off, thanks for reaching out, always nice to see that happening. And i hope you had, have and will have a nice day. Triple kindness in your face.

Secondly, dresses. It's kind of an ironic love that i have for those? Like, i just like wearing dresses for the bit (or on rare occasions i'll wear my skirt cuz it's faster to take on/off than pants). I say i get giddied up but It's really more because of the reaction of those around me (they find it funny (not in a mean way) so i'm glad i made them laugh).

Thirdly(?), changing names / pronouns. My *checks bio* neo-gendered sibling in christ, i can't even name my OCs, what makes you think i can name ME ToT ? As for the pronouns, eh... idk, i'm fine with keeping he/him i think, keeps things consistant. Again, default settings. I definitly need to try it one day though.

Fouthly? Fourtly? Fourd? Fuck, permanence. You fool. You absolute baffoon (affectionate). How dare you think for a moment have what it takes to handle ephemerality? I literally have mlp themed stickers still in package because i don't want to deal with using them somewhere and later not having them anymore. Either I will give up after the first time someone uses another set of pronouns, or the short period of time where they did will haunt me forever because nothing came out of it. <- also work if i end up changing pronouns, my brain is good at thinking bad. (I also have a suspicious amount of ND friends. Yeah yeah, i know, the idea of seeing a therapist sounds sexier everyday.)

5 (because i'm tired, it's 3am), being wrong. That is actually something i somewhat enjoy surprisingly. Because at least that means i have something to go off of, a starting point. That's usually all i need to start working on anything that require thought (so literally everything). I'd rather have someone tell me to do a thing and then shit on the thing they told me to do than having someone tell me "just follow your heart 🥰🥰🥰". Like, cool bro, how do i do that? Bitch won't move, how am i supposed to follow it?

1/3 of 666, credits. I never know how to close off rants because i always forget the first 3 points i try to make. So uhhh thanks to your patience if you've read through that (i feel like you would), sorry for ranting/venting(?) on what was just supposed to be a positive message i think. Thanks again for trying to reach out, but i honestly think i've got to deal with my other problems before i can tackle my gender (like the o so joyful experience of finding a job. yay.) (<- monotonest voice ever).

original post + my tags for those interested in context, AKA: hi alexxel, hi malt (watch out for the rant in your name, i'm gonna steal it), probably hi gayotic

And a pic of me in a dress because i feel like it

Couldn't find a dress so all you get is a fashion disaster, feat a hat i borrowed from a friend to complete the fit.

[selfindulgentsillinessbracket]

A Huge Update Post!!!!!!

Hi everyone, @thattoastygecko (your moderator) here. It is me.

This bracket has been quiet recently but now it is time to resume it. But I have a buncha changes to make bc let's face it, this bracket? It's an unorganized mess lmao

Congrats to our last winners!

Also I was thinking of going back to doing 2 groups of contestants at a time again, y'know 8 votes at once. Because let's face it this bracket is huge & honestly some of the entrants I kiiiind of wish I didn't put in.

Example of what I mean: Hanamusa. Don't get me wrong I love that ship, they've brought me so much comfort. But honestly they got like 600 votes. & Something about seeing them bring in THAT MUCH ATTENTION but none of the other polls got anywhere close to that kind of attention & knowing they'll probably just completely sweep the entire thing makes me think putting them in was not a great move. If only because it's gonna be super unfair & also makes me a bit sad that none of the other parts of the bracket are gonna get that much attention. I SWEAR IF I EVER TOOK THEM OUT IT'S NOT BECAUSE I HATE THEM IM HAPPY IF THEY WIN ITS JUST

seeing the rest of the poll get ignored so hard in comparison just makes me sad bc i feel like it means i did a crummy job on the rest of the tournament when it doesnt involve them, it's entirely my fault & just how my brain is, so pls understand that

But ultimately I am gonna avoid doing this, because I also don't wanna remove anyone. I mean if any character is in this poll, its because they damn well earned the right to be in this poll. They all mean something to me even if its just very very barebones like "they look cool"

I mean I put my own OCs in this fucking poll ffs & I know all of those guys are probably gonna lose. I love Oddworld but that series is obscure & I know they won't win.

LOOK AT POOR BLINX. I LOVE BLINX BUT LETS FACE IT YOU GUYS PROBABLY DONT KNOW WHO THIS IS & HES PROBABLY NOT GONNA WIN THIS NO MATTER HOW MUCH I WANT HIM TO.

Please pray for this poor cat guys, he's gonna need it. Because he's struggled to get the love he damn well deserves & by god I want him to win at least one match on this poll. He deserves at least that much.

I'm gonna try to not remove them tho bc I would feel bad if I did too, bc it's my fault for not realizing how immediatley biased this site is gonna be in their favor. I think it's just on me for not thinking that through, but I promise you guys

I PROMISE YOU AINT GONNA BE LIKE THE MODERATOR FOR THAT SAPPHIC SHIPS BRACKET THAT CANCELLED THE WHOLE THING BECAUSE THEY WERE WINNING & THEY WERE IDK SALTY OR WHATEVER???? LIKE OK BRO BUT IF YOU DIDNT WANT THEM TO WIN YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE PUTTING THEM IN BUT IM AT LEAST ADMITTING ITS MY FAULT FOR PUTTING THEM IN HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE KNOWING HOW BIASED IT WAS GONNA BE GIVEN ALL THE CONTEXT BEHIND WHAT THE SHIP WAS BUILT WITH. Aka being kickstarted by a well known popular storyboard artist with a big following & being yknow on here of all sites and etc. Like yeah it's gonna instantly be a landslide in their favor to some degree. It's like putting Rise Donatello in this bracket & being angry when he is gonna start sweeping too. Because we all know Donnie is gonna be winning several rounds at least. I know he will. & I love Rise Donnie so I'm okay with it. Donnie Nation strong. I AINT GONNA BE A BITCH LIKE THAT OTHER POLL THO NO MATTER WHAT. Like No I aint gonna cancel the whole bracket over them, if Delia & Jessie win? Fuck it I mean I put them here I knew it was gonna end up this way the second they were in the limelight. But no matter what happens I ain't gonna disqualify them for existing. I guess it's more just the fact that they got so much more attention & I cvan't help but put myself down for it.

I just kinda wanted to vent about it a bit because I was being overly mean to myself & I know it's just my brain being a jerk. So I'm gonna keep my spirits up

Also I mean heck the attention picked up a bit. Rayman fans apparently felt seen in my statements so thanks rayman nation for that. I too am salty about ubisofts treatment. Speaking of:

Thanks to your votes: MURFY IS BEING PUT IN THE BRACKET!!!

AND THANKS TO ANOTHER BONUS

MIKU IS BACK!! & After discussing it with some friends in group chats, they told me I should team her up with one of my OCs. So I went with my MAIN OC ZOEY!!

Speaking of Zoey:

1. My blog @thornsboroughcomic is a thing Zoey is the protag also thanks for voting her it means a lot to me I cried a few times ngl

2

ZOEY GOT A FULL REDESIGN A BIT AGO: Behold Zoey's current design. :]

And now Hatsune Miku has been brought back from elimination after you guys voted her to come back!! And Zoey is a huge Miku stan so she's very excited to team up with her.

And while I'm here: I'm gonna reveal to you guys some of the new contestants entering the bracket!!

I might also consider bringing back more old contestants who got eliminated via voting & maybe I'll start having team ups happen periodically that you guys vote on. I want this bracket to be just, I'm gonna embrace what a total mess it is. It's unorganized, chaotic & nonsensical & I think we just gotta embrace the pure chaos of it all. So that's what we're gonna do!!

A FEW OF THE MANY NEW CONTESTANTS COMING IN!!

[bots-and-cons]

Another update and kinda venting lol

As usual, I'm gonna put the update thing here, so you don't have to look for it. So, it's probably been over a week since I last posted at this point, but I'm trying to work on a new post. I have like three WIPs for this blog and two for the other one, so it's not that I haven't been writing, it's just that I can't finish anything, which is annoying. I'm gonna try to post tomorrow though, because I hate when I go over a week without posting. It still happens a lot though...

Venting starts here, just me yelling into the internet void...

When I started my first writing blog (@herofics) back in June of 2017, I used to post twice a day. TWICE A DAY, for months probably closer to a year, I'm not really sure. I've just been thinking that it was an absolutely insane thing to do, and I have no idea how I managed it while I was so badly depressed. Nowadays, I post maybe once or twice a week, three times if I'm really motivated and have a lot of time and inspiration. I can't even imagine how crappy those posts were tbh, I didn't put much time into them and I just wasn't as good at writing as I am now. I've improved so much and I'm so happy about that.

I was supposed to get myself another practical training position for the fall, but I haven't gotten around to it. I was actually supposed to do it in May and let my class's tutor teacher know before she started her vacation at the beginning of June, but guess who has still not done that... I honestly fucking hate that I procrastinate so much, like why can't I just do stuff immediately or at least in a timely manner. Nope, I'm here two months later, complaining on the internet and still not just doing it. I honestly just feel so overwhelmed by the whole thing. I got so exhausted during my first practical training in the spring, and those were like five-hour days. I have no idea how I'm supposed to survive eight weeks with five eight-hour days each, and manage school on top of that, like just fuck me, I'm not built for that. I've honestly been thinking that I probably can't manage full-time work once I graduate, if I graduate...

I'm 24 and I can't drive either. It gives me such horrific anxiety and pretty much an instant panic attack if I even try. On top of that, I honestly don't want to drive, because I'm terrified I might act on my intrusive thoughts. I just simply don't want to drive because of the reasons mentioned above. Since I don't have an official autism diagnosis, I can't access any of the ride services that would provide. At least I'm pretty sure Kela has a service like that here in Finland.

I know I say this pretty much every time I make one of these posts, but I'm doing okay. I'm just kinda scared for the fall when school starts again, because I don't know if I have the energy to do both the practical training and school. I need to finish my summer courses too, and I'm dreading the swedish since I haven't even started it yet. Though one of my classmates did the whole thing in about an hour, so apparently it's not very hard. I just really need to get it started...

Anyway, thanks if you read this and remember to stay hydrated :D

[thegoldfisharmy]

Man, I love that all three of my main fandoms have an obnoxious amount of shipping discourse (An open letter/rant to the Ninjago, South Park, and Invader Zim communities)

I am not strictly a proshipper or an anti. Shipping isn't really something I engage in as an activity. I'm just an observer who thinks this shit makes no logical sense and I need to share my thoughts on the matter.

I do not actively ship any of these pairings. I consider myself a sympathizer more than anything.

South Park Fans: If someone thinks it's cute for Kyle and Cartman to kiss, let them. They're not hurting anyone by doing so. Honestly, the image of those two making out is hilarious to me and I think the world is better off for it.

Ninjago Fans: I don't think the show writers put anywhere near as much thought into keeping track of Lloyd's mental/physical age as you guys do. Also, some of the anti-Pixane arguments I've seen are fucking DUMB. Y'all really need better things to do with your time.

Invader Zim Fans: I'm pretty sure Gaz was meant to be a love interest for Zim at some point in the show's early development. Take that as you will. Stop worrying about the ethics of shipping a fictional alien species and start worrying about actual pedophilia. I'm sick of seeing Pro/Anti-ZaDr posts on my feed every time I open this god-forsaken app when I just want to look at Dib fanart. If he happens to be cuddling with Zim in some of it I do not care I just need my daily dose of Dib content.

This is the only time I will ever engage in shipping discourse. I've had my fair share of internet debates in my only five years of being online and I've found that they're rarely productive and almost always a waste of time. Just let the teenagers make their cartoons kiss. There are far worse things in the world for you to worry about.

I'm not gonna block you if you're pro-Kyman or anti-ZaDr, I'm not a petty asshole. I just really need to vent about this shit because after jumping from Undertale to Ninjago to Invader Zim, I am fairly confident that I have seen some of the most (and I don't use this word lightly) TOXIC shipping wars the Internet has to offer and it makes me really irrationally angry. Shippers need to chill. Antis need to chill. Proshippers need to chill.

In short: Fuck you, fuck this, and fuck shipping wars. We're all just trying to enjoy our favorite shows. Let us do it in peace.

Sincerely,

One annoyed college student

[flowgninthgil]

So here I am in a corner of the second floor (two floors above the ground floor) of on the buildings of my campus, eating a cheap ham and cheese (pretty sure it's butter since it doesn't taste like any cheese I've ever had) sandwich, listening to Fishmonger album on loop.

Why did I decide to get that cheap sandwitch, a banana, and whatever english people call that third pastry, instead of getting a real meal with my friends? Who knows. I just feel so...

empty

I've noticed how people need to know they're not alone in their problems, and I'm thinking on doing a series of blog posts, starting with this one, just... telling my anxieties and whatever I feel like I'd want people to tell me.

I just wish I could believe myself.

So, yeah, people notice you, and not in a bad way, some people you're not even sure you'll ever be able to call friends will nod to you when they pass you.

Your friends don't mind you not spending time with them, it's alright.

I think

It's ok to have missed an evening/night out, you weren't here to know they'll go out.

No one's gonna talk to you if you close every door

One of my friend isn't here today, I hope they're not out burning themselves out to help everyone again. I miss them.

That last fucking line made me tear up a bit.

fuck feelings. How am I supposed to know I'm aroace when I don't know where I'm supposed to draw the lines of friendship? I can't even stop being anxious about it since putting my head on the shoulder of someone started a relationship.

I want physical contacts. I want to feel loved by my friends.

I wish I knew how to show people that.

And I'm surrounded by communists, trotskists, and anarchists, it shouldn't be hard.

I don't want drugs to make me forget, but everyone make it seems like the easiest answer. Fuck alcohols.

Shut your mouth, listen up when I talk, I'm a spoiled little brat, and I get what I want.

Shut your mouth, listen up when I talk, I'm a spoiled little brat and I get what I deserve....

Punk is hope

But I'm lost

And I can't see the shorelines around me.

I just have to reach out, don't I?

Okay, this is going waaaay too far.

fuck me

heh, I don't want that, I'm aroace.

but this whole shit got me thinking of suicide.

Nothing bad, on the contrary, I don't understand suicide when you got nothing to escape.

If life is just a dull cruise through life where you never stop to watch and take in, then suicide won't end shit, since there is nothing to end.

You'll only hurt the people around you, and if you got nothing for you, why should you take what others have?

Damn, I hope this is not going to turn into a weekly vent of my feelings, I'm not sure how much I can tell while not giving anything telling about myself.

Fuck me, I already gave my phone number to bilibili, why'd you do that shithead.

I'm gonna use Cunt as a insult now, because fuck that poll about if people found it offensive or not if they were british, aussie, kiwi, egomerican, or none of those.

Y'all lot of cunts, y'all are my fav fags, be happy in life. If I can't bring my own happiness, I might as well give other some I found on the way.

Fuck the cynicism,

Let the colours fly,

Don't care you think it's cringe

Because it's not your life.

Ravel in your friends and hobies,

Let your heart speak.

When a drifter say some shit,

just block that internet freak.

I just really don't care,

Put your hooves in the air tonight,

I wanna fall in love with everypony,

We gotta set the street alight.

Everything's so fucked and I'm tired of being scared,

So let's get out and fuck up equestria.

Fuck the mandate and the monarchy,

This our world now.

Do or die, you'll never make me.

Because the world will never take my heart.

Go and try, you'll never break me,

We want it all, we wanna play this part.

We'll carry on.

Big up to that plant in its pot at my right,

[thesugarhole]

quick venting post just as i finally began internalizing 'oh well play the cards im dealt' and try to find some comfort in the life i currently have and making future plans to go for an easier get-by once i have a safety net (savings) its like. im suddenly and steadily bombarded by messages like 'make sure you do what you want now dont let life take you on the predicted path its a risk you gotta take' like fucking hello??? theyre not mutually exclusive to a degree but its also... idk to explain its like if you dont have it planned from 10 years old then you might have some good experiences but its never the life youll want. and its direct conflit with 'never too late to start doing something'

yesterday night for example i opened the 'news' (its more articles full of advertising and soccer than actual news) tab on my phone and there was one like 'tips from CEO who retired at 44!' and it w

boiled down to, quote 'having life planned to the microscopic detail by the time she was 20' (im 27 this year, fucking come on) studied hard, worked hard for the first youthful years, made it to portugal microsoft ceo(?) and amassed enough to retire early.

it was mentioned she lost her parents early (at 50yos, but how old was she then?) that helped push her to plan it like this but like. well first of all i guess im still too bright eyed because i dont believe this ceo thing possible without loosing morals/ideals along the way (ive yet to met a ceo thats not incredibly out of touch and wants to fuck over everyone and everything for their own gain), but i find it harder to believe there was no silver spoon, especially for those first years. granted if shes 44 now she probably had an easier economy then, but hm. millions work hard from the moment theyre born, how come they don't retire at 44?

the investments. there it was. 'oh i invested in real estate and other small things' thats not hard work, thats gambling. and thats the exact moral loss i expected, the way real estate in portugal is now. and god this pisses me off so much what the FUCK does 'invest in real estate' EVEN MEAN?? you want me to buy stocks off some company?? you want me to buy a house and become a landlord?? i dont even have a place for myself, much less for the tourists and digital nomads. and for every one person saying they got rich off investing, oh you gotta invest smart etc theres 10 currently trying and bleeding money and about 30 that already gave up on it. like it genuinely feels like any other get rich quick scheme where its disheartening that it worked for a couple people and those couple people already had money to begin with

idk if any if this is gonna make sense im writing from heart and whatever the text leads but you understand this right. like my current goal is to just find something later on that will pay decent, not make me slowly but steadily give up on it and have personal time for hobbies. and then i get this shit thrown at me. in 4 months ive been broken down enough that the ridiculous honey pot that is 'invest! stocks! etc!' is starting to appeal to me. like i am not going to be different from the other failure cases im not one lottery away from being set for life. and at the very least im not putting money in the machine selling 40m2 studio apartments for 1 million euros to foreigners while throwing people in the streets if they had houses, jail if they were illegally occupying abandoned houses with no roof. fuck sakes

[dearestaeneas]

resisting the temptation to ask you every one of the questions from the writer ask game and instead asking: 2, 3, 7, 13 (i'm guessing i know the answer to this but consider this an open invitation to share some fun lore), 26, 29, 30

kicking my feet and writing your name in hearts all over my dream journal

2) my two newest ocs are Matt + Justin! i was working on a thing for a zine i want to submit to, and the theme was 70s/80s/90s campy horror, so i picked just two lame ass 90s boy names. it's a silly little queer slasher story that i didn't expect to go so in-depth on!

3) uhhhhhh. my biggest self insert is probably that John Dearheart character i post little blurbs about sometimes. i realized i'm probably gonna need to change his name if i post more about him, though, because i completely forgot he's a Discworld character. i've been rereading Going Postal lately and while i was waiting for the library loan to come in i was scrolling through its tumblr tag and got whiplash seeing his name. it is deeply humbling thinking you had an original name and not only seeing its an already-established character, but an already-established character from a BOOK YOU'VE READ BEFORE. outside of him as my vent character, i put myself into all my characters! i'm very vain! Branwen and Ardan are my two biggest ones from hh, and lately its been Branwen more just for the sake of story themes :3

7) Celeste and the Old God is actually one of my favorite pairs to write about, and it's wild to me that i don't have them interact more. i think what really gets me about them is that Celeste's entire deal is that she's...normal. she has a "normal," healthy relationship with religion, and criticizing it is included in that, i think. and for that reason, those two are the closest to being equals. having one character be a devout believer/her religious trauma being something you actively get to see be established throughout the story (branwen) v. another character who's extremely cynical to the point of numbness who doesn't believe in anything (ardan), and in a context where branwen is genuinely helpless vs. ardan having more control than he realizes/freaks him out when he does realize it, it's so fun to write Celeste as being on equal playing ground. it's important to me that her entire deal is "actually no fuck you, you need me just as much as i need you." and i think that equal playing ground is why they have kind of a begrudging friendship.

i also like writing branwen and ardan together because they are bisexual.

13) not really any of them i don't do that kind of stuff<3*

26) American Gods!!! And Slaughterhouse Five. those are the two i always automatically say when asked! i read If We Were Villains sometime last year and it rewired my brain, also. i found it because of The Secret History, which also rewired my brain. Both of those books fundamentally changed my brain chemistry, but secret history did it derogatorily, if that makes sense. great book. i never think i have feelings about it until i start talking about it. Donna Tartt i am nearing your location. (also Piranesi!<3)

29) probably Harry Potter? unfortunately? (also, sucks that i have to say 'unfortunately'. like most people, those stupid books were very important to me at one point in my life! mostly because of the stuff i did with my friends because of it! go fuck yourself, Joanne!) i deffo wrote fanfic, though. i had a huuuuge fic i handwrote with a bunch of my friends

not my first fandom, but i thought you'd appreciate: i was also a huge percy jackson kid. obviously. probably more so than harry potter. i took latin in middle school, and one year we had this pretty big multi-part project where we could pick different prompts for different parts. super cool and fun, had i been the person i am now who actually like, cares about things and puts effort into them! but i suffered from the disease of all middle schoolers where i Fucking Sucked. i didn't realize one of my parts was due one day, and during the lunch period i speed-wrote percy jackson fanfiction that i had to Read Out Loud To The Class and then hand in for a grade. i got a 100, but only after reading it out loud, having what i believe was my first out of body experience, and then going back to my seat where one of my friends leaned over and said "was that the fucking plot of Mark of Athena"

30) good!!!! we're actively getting a snowstorm and i'm hoping it keeps up so work is cancelled tomorrow! who knows how lucky i'll be but i can hope!!

*if i was normal i could have left 13 at that and just let myself be funny, but i am nothing if not verbose. obviously hh! in taking up your offer to share fun lore, there's one character who i have been avoiding talking about because i think everything about him is so integral to the plot that like, making goofs about him would be a spoiler (is that...full of myself to say? it would be, though). that said, since the idea of "equals" is so relevant throughout hh, he's been fun to write because he technically falls on the Celeste end of the spectrum, but he's using it for evil. literally. a lot of his deal is unintentionally "what makes a god a god" and how he's this sort of nebulous figure because no one can agree what his deal is. he is accidentally my Odysseus character, and it kills me to admit that. little pansexual freak who wants to kill god.

[homemoviess]

Post # I Lost Count - Life Update? Yay!

♫ - What I’m currently listening to.

So, I’m aware this isn’t a personal blog, and I don’t exactly want to make it one of those, but I need to vent a bit, my friends have a lot going on in their lives that what I’m about to complain about will seem like small potatoes, and I don’t have any other social media. So, this Undertale Tumblr blog will just have to do.

For the last month and a half I’ve been attempting to get a business off the ground. I have all the documentations and legal whatnots, but what’s been holding me back is the flipping website. Maybe I’m cheap, maybe I’m just too prideful, but I decided I would build the site myself completely by scratch with zero knowledge of HTML, or CSS, or any of that. I’ve managed it. The little creative spirit in me picked up the basics after many hours of trial and error (now ask me to solve a simple math equation and you’ll see how intellectually inept I am). Amazing news, right? This website had its foot on my neck for weeks now, and this morning I was finally victorious!

Until I wasn’t.

I sent the site to my friend to test, and on mobile whenever you scrolled down it would zoom the page way out into the void. I thought I’d put back on my handy dandy hard hat and make a simple tweak here, and little change there—I fucked the whole thing up beyond repair, and I didn’t make a proper backup of the site, so now I need to start from scratch!

Well, not completely, but all the fancy code I added needs to be redone, and to be frank, um no. Not doing that shit again, so I’m just gonna have a basic ass website and call it day for now because the longer it’s taking me to mess with this thing, the longer I’m not launching my business. The little procrastinating, self-doubting, coward in me is super happy that I now have an excuse not to move forward and do this thing. Too bad since I spent too much money to just quit now.

All that said, I’ve been missing Discord lately. I’m currently only in one server, but I’d love to join another one, preferably something small and fandom focused. I’m fine with any of the fandoms I have written for (so far Undertale, Sonic, and TMNT, but you can add in ATLA too. Plus, I like some “adult” shows—whatever the fuck that means. Actually, I don’t watch much television, so that is a lie).

If anyone wants to send some servers my way I’d love that a bunch! I used to run several Discord servers back during lockdown, and I definitely do not want to do that again. Too much work that I currently can’t keep up with, but having a chill place to discuss fandom stuff, or creative projects, or fucked up websites that break on you when you change one line of code, is something I’ve been craving lately.

[jewishbarbies]

vent post so tw for literally everything

***

my mom is always saying something to the effect of “well your childhood was better than mine because YOUR dad didn’t hit you” or “at least you weren’t scared you dad was gonna kill you” etc because she had a very abusive father, and it pisses me off because she’ll use that as an excuse to downplay ANYTHING i’m venting to her about from MY dad during MY childhood while also currently staying in contact with her abusive father and DEFENDING him when i tell her he’s a piece of shit and deserves a painful death.

i’ve told her multiple times that my first memories were my parents screaming at each other, dad throwing things, slamming doors, dad road-raging with his whole family in the car and nearly crashing on multiple occasions, getting yelled at, slapped, beat with a spoon until i welted (not bc i disobeyed, but bc i annoyed my dad), and my dad even chased me down the hallway and put his fist through the door i closed/locked so he couldn’t get to me (and they still shame me for needing to replace the door like it’s my fault). my dad would constantly pretend to throw things at me and my sisters as a “joke”, including but not limited to knives, scissors, pens, and baseball bats.i still have a vivid memory from when i was 4/5 and my parents were yelling, and i found them in the master bath with my mom cowering into the back wall sobbing in the dark and my dad trying to comfort her and apologize because he chased her in there in a rage.

but oh yeah, i didn’t fear for my life AT ALL during my childhood. i don’t have ANY crippling anxiety or chronic depression, i don’t flinch at the dumbest little things, i don’t get heart palpitations hearing my dad’s fucking voice or a door getting shut too hard by accident. i don’t stay in my room all day to avoid my parents because being around them and hearing them makes me feel unsafe still. yeah, no lasting affects at all. /s

there was a while where my dad was exhibiting some of that behavior and it came to a breaking point where my mom finally told him that we (my sister & i) were afraid of him. there’d been something spilled and then left on the stove and we KNEW it was his mess so we weren’t going to clean it up and my mom huffed off to go tell him and complain about it, and he immediately got up and started stomping to the kitchen and my mom told him not to because he scared us like her dad scared her, and of course all he did was one of those “how dare you call me what i am” guilt trips, and my little sister was visibly shaking so i shoved her in my room and locked the door. she was sobbing uncontrollably and shaking and i stood by the door to make sure they weren’t going to come in. when they finally came to the door i only opened it enough to see them and my dad looked defeated but still pissed and my mom was worried about my sister, and i actually yelled at him. i asked if he was proud of his behavior and how he treated us over a fucking stove, because that’s all it was, and if it was worth it because my sister was a mess. he cried. i let my mom in with the permission of my sister but i stayed by the door while he was there. that was in 2021.

what do you MEAN “my childhood”? it’s happening to me RIGHT NOW.

[becaexists]

Gonna vent for just a second because I literally have no one to talk to about this so y'know turning to the internet as one does

All over my social medias like Twitter and tiktok (I know they're bad but sometimes they're designed to trap you) everyone is talking about Brianna Ghey, the 16 year old trans girl that was murdered on Saturday. She was a year younger than me, I have friends that are the same age, and all I have seen all day because I've been travelling thus had nothing better to do than to stare at my phone, is so much of the same thing, the same kind of posts, just talking about how this sweet young girl was murdered, potentially out of hate for our community but they're "not sure", and it is really fucking getting to me.

I know it sounds selfish as hell to because it sounds like "oh there was a trans girl murdered and I have to complain about seeing it everywhere" but it's not that, it's the things people put in and under the posts about it. So many of the people trying to spread awareness are trying to be reassuring by saying shit like "to trans youths, we stand by you, this should not be happening" but that doesn't help, because I'm terrified out my fucking mind that if I start trying to be myself, I might get fucking murdered too. What's worse is all of the horrible things transphobic people are saying, like "she's a boy", and "she deserves it" and "example of what should happen to all those trans freaks" because those are actual things I've read today.

And it's not just her case specifically, it's the constant despair I feel as a trans person where my right to exist are constantly being questioned by the only government I've ever known. I open twitter and see stories of how trans rights are being stripped back all over the western world, how people were abandoned by family after coming out as trans, about how being trans is so incredibly awful with little silver linings of "at least you're yourself". So I open tiktok to distract myself, where I see more people talking about the same things, about how the people in government hate us so fucking much. This whole corecore thing is important to highlight the awful shit but when that's the only thing you're seeing with maybe a few cat videos and stupid family guy or movie scenes while someone plays with slime makes to split them up it really makes you feel nothing but despair.

I just wanna get away from it all. I want people to stop talking about it but that's not exactly what I want? I want it to have never happened. I want to live in a world where these things don't happen. I want to live in a world where I can leave the house without being terrified of being hatecrimed or murdered for being who I am. I didn't come out as a trans guy until this year even though I knew for ages I wanted to be a guy, I didn't come out because if I came out in high school, my "all girls" high school where I was already severely bullied for being autistic and queer, I would be fucking dead right now, either from being murdered like she was or from suicide, which I was so so so fucking close to doing after some girl publicly berated me for asking one of my teachers to not call me my deadname (I was going for a fem NB approach to my transness at the time and thought that Bee was the start of something much more fitting for me) because she was right, no one would ever see me as anything other than some pretty but unpopular girl trying to somehow both escape the torture of womanhood and make myself more intriguing

If I could choose anything else, I would. I would not be trans. I would be a regular teenage girl who likes parties and stupid roadmen and skipping lesson to smoke and vape. But I'm not. And my mum, my own mother, has said "if you would choose not to be this, why don't you? Why don't you just go back to being my girl?" And I want to. But I need to be a boy to live. If I don't transition, I might just die from all the self hatred of what I have to pretend to be. I just can't do it.

Sorry this was long, I just have many many emotions and if I said this anywhere else I might just be on the receiving end of some of the same stupid shit people are saying about Brianna. I hope she finds peace somewhere where there isn't so much hatred.

[princevontwix]

what i wanted to put was too long for tags so I'm just gonna vent here

i really feel this. my parents have been encouraging me to get my masters, when I'm almost done with my bachelors. and the major i have isn't offered anymore so idk what would happen. I've also chickened out on going to the career center to get started on literally anything. i haven't taken any internships at all, done any mock interviews, and have no concrete idea on the career i want with my major.

im gravely worried that once i graduate i wont be able to do the job well, esp since I've repeatedly dumped out whatever I've learned from previous classes, which i HATE. as such, I'm nervous that when something I'm expected to have known about comes up during a crucial moment(s) at my job, ill be left smooth-brained, feel utterly incompetent, or worse.

if i do try and get a masters degree, i feel like id be delaying the inevitable. I'm also just not completely confident in being able to manage my own life by myself. it doesn't help that i haven't truly made friends in uni, just people I'm familiar with for one semester and that's it. Middle and high school were easier to get friends bc i was in the same "class of" as everyone else. but in uni, you're sharing classes with people of different years so you don't really get a chance to be familiar with them. i feel like that's also my fault though; I've been forgetful of people's names unless i see them on a regular basis outside of just classes (only two professors i can say arent the case). and those classmates who give me their numbers for future contact, i just never do. i feel overwhelmed by work and by then, id have fast forgotten anything about them to make conversation of.

im scared that ill be incompetent in my future career, that i might only have a few select irl friends at best or only my online friends (which there's no guarantee that ill ever meet any of them in person and strengthen that bond. AND that this last year in uni will be my last retreat to my shell before it completely shatters and I'm thrusted into the real world. there's also this internal pressure on me for being the first in my family to graduate uni (my older siblings have graduated high school).

My older siblings have been living at home for years, which, nothing wrong with that. but i don't want to end up living that same lifestyle. I want to prove to my family that their efforts weren't for naught. but at the same time, i feel like i don't know what to do when the future comes and ill have no insurance for whatever happens. I'm already dreading the days when my parents pass away and what might happen with my siblings when it does. the absolute last thing i want is to end up homeless and with nothing to show for myself.

Earth, our home, is dying to corporate greed and we're massacring each other, hate in our veins. And if i cant make a dent in any of that, then what was the point? what were my efforts for?

And yet...i want to be selfish and create for myself (no matter how cringe it is) and spend time with my online friends. I want to stay in my comfort zone of being in my dorm for the week and home at the weekends. i want to have those long summers where i don't have to worry to much about what to do and just enjoy myself.

How can I ever possibly balance my practical life with my personal life? My work and social lives?

Perhaps i've never truly grown up, and the unforgiving march of time is a reminder that i need to do something with my life and grow the fuck up. Perhaps it doesn't matter what i do as link rot will snuff out my creations and my second death will follow my first death fairly quickly.

Or maybe i really am just overthinking everything. Maybe 10 years or more from the future, I'll come back to this post and laugh at my naivety and how much i was overthinking. If such a possibility exists, maybe it's narcissistic for me to want this, but i would greatly welcome my future self hugging me, telling me that everything turned out well. that I'm living a life my family and friends would be proud of.

that despite the mountainous amount of work my job requires, i managed to make time to tend to my own projects completely unrelated to my profession. maybe in that possible future, my fanstory Rejuvenation has finally been completed, and i have the improved skills to bring my vision out for my art and fanfics (cringe, i know). perhaps in that future, i don't feel any of the loneliness i feel right now.

i just want some assurance that everything will turn out well. right now, my last year in uni is my temporary shelter against all these worries. but once i graduate? it's the point of no return.

I'm deathly afraid of the future and what might not be. i may bide my time and play games, draw, or just chat with friends. but the clock will keep ticking and if i don't play catch-up, I'm as good as dead. i just hope that I'm still eligible to reach Heaven by then.

but for now, i have some schoolwork shit i need to do. procrastination is a poison, one that might cost me everything.

“I don’t know what my goals are, no. Thanks for asking.”