bad-mood-goddess

[bad-mood-goddess]

Siblings

Yesterday, a friend of mine gifted me a chocolate croissant after a test I had, I saved it to share it with my younger brother, so I arrive home, split it in halves and gave him the biggest...

I asked him if he liked it... He said "It was awful, but thanks for thinking of me" And I ended like 😐

Ps.: I actually liked the croissant, shouldn't have shared

[bad-mood-goddess]

Thoughts 2

I do fear 2 things in my life, roaches, that is more of a palpable fear; and I fear the concept of failure, and that is unfortunately what I feel is happening right now, I'm 19 y/o, I'm halfway through one of my degrees and in the beginning the second one (Not my fault, college was called of for COVID).

Yet I have this strange feeling on what would happen if I fail, like, not my classes, but on everything. If I just stop doing everything I've been told I have to do to be worthy, successful and just generally good enough. If I stop co-parenting my own sibling that is practically my age, if I stop counseling for my mom, if I stop supplanting my father on his responsibilities, if I stop pretending being the best on everything that I do, if I stop pretending I'm fine, if I stop compensating for my siblings own "failure" (That is not the real case)*, if I, their trophy kid, stop being apparently perfect. Will they resent me? Will I be suddenly be the only failure here? Will I be disposed as useless if I stop saying yes by my own means? Will it be different if I just stop by external meanings? If I become sick enough? If instead a simple rash my stress sickens me enough to care and not to make fun of?

When (and not if) I'm not longer their only perfect child, the one that's a trust fund for any reason I'm not aware of, the one who had to choose a degree bc she said she wanted that at age 8 and didn't wanna take down everyone's expectations, and for that same expectations of being perfect had to start another one just cause "You can even with 3", when I transform into something they cannot brag about I feel like I'll be put under the carpet and treated like nothing ever happened

I'm not sure if I will be ok with that, but I just want it to stop

[bad-mood-goddess]

Thoughts 1

Have you all thought about that innate feeling of wanting to treat everyone with charity and love, but deep inside you know they'll just think you're weird?

[bad-mood-goddess]

Me: *Got a huge breakdown in front of my family, wanna die at the end*

TikTok: Don't do it, here *Extend hypothetical hand* I showed the videos of your book to over 3000 people, and they liked it

[bad-mood-goddess]

I just realized...

When I graduated from high school, no one congratulate me(?). Like every person that was informed of my graduation congratulated my parents even though I was right there? I know they make the effort to send me to a good school but like they didn't do anything more than pay???

Congratulations on not having to pay for school anymore I guess?

[bad-mood-goddess]

Confusing Parenting

My entire life I've heard things like "you're too fat for that", "That'll look better if you loose 10kg", "No one likes a cow".

For that reason I haven't had a good relationship with food since age 8, or 9. I spent days running on one meal, and trained 4h a day everyday. Until I reached the point of weighting only 45kg. Not that I started eating more or training less, just that my metabolism got in a slump and started gaining weight.

I've got a lot better by myself (if you wondered), however, there's still days that the only thought of eating makes me feel nauseous and sick, to the point of turning my stomach out until I faint if I do.

Even so, the same people that insisted on me not being skinny enough, that a should diet, that I should exercise, that I should take diet complements from a very young age, now insist me I should eat even in those days. But keeping up the fatphobia. So, rn I'm confused and don't really know what to do

[bad-mood-goddess]

TIL that when Breaking Bad used “trip to Belize” as a euphemism for murder, the Belize Tourism Board wrote a letter offering the whole cast an actual trip to Belize

[bad-mood-goddess]

Daichi: Do you take constructive criticism?

Asahi: Not without crying.

[bad-mood-goddess]

whispering “no” while reading a book because you know that the character's about to make a fool out of themselves and kill you with second hand embarrassment

[bad-mood-goddess]

I Just Realized I'm dumb

Cause I just ended a game and notice it was translated to my native language and I played it entirely on english

[bad-mood-goddess]

The Cons of Friendship

My mom: Who were you talking to at 4am?

Me: A friend of college

Mom: And what in the world were you two talking about? It sounded entertaining

Me: *Without batting an eye* World Domination

Mom: ... Where did I fail?

[bad-mood-goddess]

Friendship is...

Staying awake until 4 in the morning talking with your bestie while planning the outlining of your autocratic government for when you two rule the world

[bad-mood-goddess]

Fine Ass Parenting

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and I know I should be grateful to have both of them watching after me. Still, there is this things that get a hold of me always and can't tell them bc I'm afraid to hurt them or their gaslight.

So, recently, to be precise like 30 minutes ago, I noticed that I have grown to resent my younger brother for a lot of things that aren't actually his fault, at least not at all.

I am an 18 years old college student and I have no hobbies. Always thought it was my fault for not being passionate enough to dive into something I love entirely.

To put some context, my younger brother is 1 year, 4 months younger than me, not too much, but he has Asperger's Syndrome, and he was diagnosed at a quite early age (7 y/o).

Having said that, it's not like I didn't like anything through my childhood, actually there was a lot of things that I wanted to do.

Starting with Ballet, as a 6 y/o girl I really wanted to practice ballet and always liked the shoes and hairstyles and costumes and all that. Silly me, my mom did ballet like 15 years of her life so she refused completely to sing me up for any dancing classes. I know the dancing world is really tough with the overweight, but still think it's too harsh to say to a 6 y/o that she was too fat to do ballet that it wouldn't work out. So even if I really wanted to do it I let it go on my mom's advise.

Then at 8 y/o I really was into singing (and I still like singing, but we will get there later) I enjoyed singing all day out with my best friend and begged my mom to no avail to sign me up with her on the school's singing class. She said no, my voice was too trembly to be good at singing and she would not be embarrassed in front of the school and the other moms. Harsh, but okay, maybe I wasn't good enough, after all if that was the opinion of my own mom I must have been terrible. I insisted over the years but wasn't too pushy about it.

Then I was told that I had to practice a sport for my overweight, was not consulted which I liked and she signed me and my brother up for swimming classes, 'kay, cool didn't like it, and I didn't even knew how to swim but I'll figure it out since it was what my mom wanted. I trained my ass off, I took every opportunity I had to prove me worth of being part of the team. I got selected for the State's Competition Team at age 10 all of this while still fighting my overweight and the bullying that came with it (plus my mom nagging me and saying I ate too much, I wasn't good enough, I wasn't skinny enough).

Age 12, 1.56m tall and weight 40kg, still not skinny enough I was training for regionals over 4h a day of swimming and 2.5km of running every day plus a bad relationship with food, I started skipping breakfast and supper and went all day with lunch and occasional snacks.

I didn't make it to the nationals, the rambling about me wasting the money and time she invested in get me to the regionals. I started gaining weight again, more and more weight, I stopped eating snacks but I kept gaining weight, my times got stuck and my team kicked out all the State's Selected. I got accepted into a open-waters competition team, but I kept gaining weight and didn't get my times down. I went through a episode of deep angst over thinking if I was really good enough to even be able to be a part of the team, with this in mind, I never really fit in.

Age 14 got to the doctor, turns out I had POS and Thyroid nodules, my hormones were a absolute-fucking mess and that's why I gained weight, I weighted 56kg. Maybe swimming wasn't my thing, after all I didn't even liked swimming y'know, what do I still love so much? Music, let's try to convince my mother again.

'Kay, to be fair she really did hear me this time and got me to try to get into the choir of one of the centers of the national orchestra... Now that I think it over, did she wanted me to fail? Well I got accepted on the advanced group, well shit I had to learn the basics for myself but didn't care cause I get to do what I really wanted... At the same place with my brother that suddenly want to get percussion classes (and still swimming).

That obviously didn't work out, for some reason my mom decided that swimming was more important (when convenient). She "corrected" me everyday, everytime that she had the opportunity even though she know nothing about singing, told me to shut up when practicing. Even so I obtained a Solo for my first concert ever over all the 50 kids that were there for 5 years or more. The day for the concert came in, I did the best I could, the teacher congratulate me, but not my mom, I had to hurry up, I had training that day, the day came off as any other. I skipped every concert since then, my brother had training. I skipped training regularly, my brother had percussion class. He got bored of music she stopped taking me to music, we drop out. I keep training, I got to keep athletic, I have to bare the tough competition training, I often got out of the pool to puke and came back to training, coach seemed concerned but didn't say anything, she started to say I was slacking. Coach emigrates to another country, ray of hope, I slipped through it when we had no coach at age 15 on my first trimester of my junior year.

Finally some liberty I got to put up my grades, that weren't really bad but weren't perfect so I studied hard, was considered honor student, I tutored my brother in all the subjects he needed help.

Senior year (16y/o), the school hires a singing professor, I got the chance to sing again, got singing classes and practice on my free hours to not stay after school for my mom not noticing. Finally tells her that I'm singing again. She tells me, why you didn't like singing, after all you quit, even so it wasn't true, we fought, I kept practicing for presentations at school, while preparing mother's day concert she said "If you're gonna sing like that tell me now so I don't go, it's enough that you are embarrassing yourself", I don't pay too much attention. Day of the concert came we got a sound system problem exactly on my turn, I proceeded to sing with an anxiety attack on stage after done I went backstage and cried my eyes out. After calming myself down went out with my eyes red and inflamed to see my mom with a serious look telling me that she told me that I didn't have to do that if I was going to end up crying for not being good enough, I kept practicing, I never went to a presentation. My singing professor offered me to work with him on his studio, maybe even record original songs, my mom said no, I was still underaged to be working (in my country you can't work until you're 18). He called me on my 18th birthday to offer me the work again, I had to decline, I applied to Med school and my mom obligated me to apply for physiotherapy, I got in both so I had to study both at the same time.

She always expected perfection, nothing less from me. Yet my brother got the liberty to got the grades he could, do the things he liked, drop off if he wanted, be able to not excell at everything he tried out. He didn't had half the expectations I had to comply. And I can't help but have the feeling that if he wasn't autistic I wouldn't have to compensate that all my life.

[bad-mood-goddess]

Someone in my younger siblings class said they were “yandere for them” and my sibling responded “first of all cringe, second of all red flag” and no phrase has entered my daily lexicon so fast

[bad-mood-goddess]

[bad-mood-goddess]

If you ever, and I mean EVER think that you fucked something up royally, remember that the organizers of the 1904 Olympic marathon:

- Had zero stations for water on the 26 mile (42 km) course

- Accidentally gave North American competitor Tom Hicks a cocktail made of egg whites, brandy, and actual fucking rat poison

- Had a guy come into the race late wearing a beret and cutoff slacks, sneak into an apple orchard during the race because no food had been given to him for 40 hours, eat rotten apples, projectile vomit onto the track, fall asleep for hours, and finish in fourth place OVERALL because most of the other runners collapsed of exhaustion or injuries

- Conducted the race on a dusty road, which caused so much dust to be kicked into the air that an American runner somehow inhaled enough to tear his STOMACH LINING open

- Accidentally released feral dogs onto the track

- Fucked the other competitors up SO BADLY that Tom Hicks—the guy who ate RAT POISON and was HALLUCINATING the entire run—came in first place