#am i fucking insane or am i connecting dots here

[unholyxvoid]

wait . i think im starting to realize the difference between what happens in headspace and whats daydreaming ? cuz in headspace i can sometimes feel things and stuff , like emotions and touch and smell and taste , those things sometimes happen . not all the time but its happened enough times for me to take notice . but if im daydreaming it doesnt happen at all i think ???

[hauntingblue]

FRUIT LORE! FRUIT LORE! FRUIT LORE! FRUIT LORE! FRUIT LORE! FRUIT LORE! FRUIT LORE!

[weirdgenetic-fuckup]

Bed Buddies

A/n: I’m supposed to be writing kinktober day five but I had this idea and just couldn’t leave it

Warnings: smut, degrading, age difference, if you think I missed anything let me know otherwise enjoy!

James had been having trouble sleeping and couldn’t find a way to fix it, he went to Kirk thinking he’d have something and he gave him something.

Some spiritual thing James didn’t want to be bothered with. Still, he was out of options, worst comes to worst he wastes a hundred bucks.

He was told he had to have a room set up with a couch or two, a dark room with no windows, and a bed, a few small tables wouldn’t hurt.

He went out for a run, thinking it might help him sleep, not that it worked before, when he got back there you were setting up some candles on the nightstands around the bed, a notebook set on the coffee table between two couches.

You smiled over at him when you saw him and gestured for him to sit down. “Your daughter let me in.” You said, calming his nerves because he had no idea how you’d gotten there.

He nodded and sat on one couch. You finished lighting the candles, the honey lavender aroma filling the room, and went to sit on the couch across from him, picking up the notebook and pen, opening to the first page and writing stuff down, the date, the client, etc.

“So, you haven’t been sleeping?” You started.

James nodded. “Why else would I have brought you here?” He asked, a little more aggression in his tone than needed, and he knew it. It didn’t phase you much, all your clients were rich and snooty, plus he hadn’t been sleeping much and you knew that much.

“Some people just want some relax time, like a message type thing.” You explained. “Enough on other people, I want to hear about you.” You said, leaning in a little more.

It was hard to get James to talk, you found that out pretty quick, but it was your first day together so you took it slow, letting him take his time to get comfortable.

The session was about relaxing his body, finding out what was causing him to lose sleep with what little information he was giving you.

You found that drawing on his back calmed him down, not just random doodles but actually tracing his back, finding dots and connecting them.

He managed to fall asleep before 4:00 am so he was counting it as a win and invited you back, becoming a permanent client fairly fast.

After a month or so you found him getting much more comfortable with you, speaking more freely, sitting next to you on the couch.

“Lay with me.” He asked, looking up at you as he laid on his back on the bed in the room.

You chuckled at that and shook your head. “Come on, on your stomach, it’s your favourite.” You said, holding up the black marker you used.

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” He said, rolling onto his stomach. “Sometimes I just like something to hold in my sleep, what’s so wrong about that, huh?”

You shook your head at that, but he insisted. He didn’t get you to cuddle that night but he didn’t stop asking.

As his little therapy sessions before hand became more free spoken, his hands and eyes began opening more as well. He’d sit closer, gaze trailing over your body, hands lightly touching your knees.

You’d made a promise you’d never sleep with your clients, that being said most of your clients were women, even if they weren’t they were old and gross and hateful vermin, it was easy to find their advances annoying and unwanted.

James was different.

You found yourself craving his touch and wearing tighter or more revealing clothing, when he asked for cuddles after it was getting harder and harder to say no to him.

James had your face shoved into the pillow, one hand on your back to keep you there and the other gripping your hip so tightly it was sure to leave bruises.

The room echoed with your moans and cries for him as he slammed himself into you over and over, deep groans falling from his lips.

“Fuck, darlin’, you feel so good~” He mused, rotating his hips in smooth circles, driving you insane. “So fucking tight, no one’s fucked you right a minute, huh, sweetheart?” He asked leaning down to you.

You shook your head, whining as he slowed his pace, taking away yet another high you’d been so, so close to.

He brought the hand that was on your hip up before bringing it down on your ass, leaving a pink mark in its wake. “Words, slut.”

“No-no, sir, I-I haven’t.” You stuttered out, hands gripping the sheets tighter.

James laughed loudly before it got interrupted by another groan. “That’s my darling, my good girl.”

[shut-up-danny-kun]

I've read hundreds of Star Trek TOS fics by now and it never ceases to amuse me how many different ways there are to fuck up Spock's characterization...now hold on just a minute - this post has a more interesting point than “fanfic writers stupid”, I promise you.

Every time, it's a spin on the massacre wheel. It's kind of amazing. Will he be overly emotional to the point where he's not himself anymore? Will he be so cold it's unpleasant and kind of hard to understand how he's lived to this point? Will he be extremely horny for no good reason? Will he speak in a way that sounds complety wrong?

I chuckle and shake my head. Of course, I KNOW what Spock is like, and MY interpretation of him is the most perfect and correct one. Obviously. He's just a very nuanced character, formed by many people in an unconventional way, with traits that seem to contradict each other at first but ultimately form a rich and unique character that so many people fell in love with specifically because he's so complicated...

Or...is he?

Let's entertain the idea that there isn't one correct interpretation of Spock, that all of these messy bits of characterization are not part of a bigger picture, but...just what they are: a product of many people with starkly different visions, working on a show that refuses to properly develop its characters. What then? Well, then Spock is a Rorschach test. Each viewer connects the random dots in their own way, and ignores the ones they don't like.

Let's use an example: me! In my interpretation of Spock (the most correct one, of course) he is, first of all, gay and on the asexual spectrum, reserved, largely uninterested in casual flirting or sex. When he is interested in the aforementioned things, he tends to be quite ashamed of it.

Makes sense, right? I can show you plenty of evidence for why that could be true. However, in the beginning of the first bloody season, Uhura sings a song about how Spock is actually kind of a heartthrob who likes to drive women insane with how hot he is, and Spock smiles. He smiles at her, as if agreeing and being very amused by all this! This interaction goes against pretty much everything I think about Spock. So what do I do? I explain it away in the most bizzare fucking way possible. See, Uhura and Spock are friends (there is no evidence for this), and Uhura knows everything I've just told you about him (through telepathy I guess? Not like he'd ever tell her!) and she's just trolling him (why would she do that? That is NOTHING like Uhura!). I need to do some Olympics-level mental gymnastics here, the opposite of Occam's razor.

“But Danny,” I hear you say, “it's just the start of the show! They hadn't figured out his character yet!”

To which I say: you can say that about anything! You can blame it all on a bad writer for that episode, and ignore virtually any scene that doesn't jive with your headcanons. It's there, and I can't ignore it.

So...how am I different from the people that want Spock to be thar heartthrob Uhura is singing about? That evidence is as much a part of canon as my favorite lines. Well, I'm not any different, that's the thing. And all those writers I complained about also have a point.

It's kind of a nihilistic take, I know, but maybe the reason Spock is such a cultural icon is because he is...whatever you want him to be: just concrete enough to spur on your imagination, yet vague and contradictory enough to let your brain fill in the gaps.

Don't get me wrong: I absolutely do not believe in this. In my mind, it just so happens that I'm one of the, like, 5 people ever who truly understood Spock (and one of them is Jim Kirk himself). But I still think it's something worth thinking about next time you're mad at a fic.

[alllgator-blood]

I have ten billion WIP sketches I need to finish, but for some reason I stayed up from 9 PM to 4 AM conceptualizing, making patterns, sewing, painting and applying makeup on this stupid fucking felt squid......the detailing needs to be cleaned up cause there's only one coat of paint so far, but he's pretty much done

my neighbors probably think I'm insane because I was running around the yard clenching this toy kallamar in a death grip and flying him around like an airplane/putting him in the barbecue/poking him with a stick. I want to tie him to a string and recreate the opening of napoleon dynamite >:) ALSO I MADE HIM SMOKE OUT OF A STUPID CRYSTAL PIPE BUT PLEASE DON'T ACTUALLY USE THOSE, THEY ARE SUPER TOXIC LMAO MINE IS FOR DECORATION

I don't have any process pics because I had tunnel vision autism style and forgot the rest of the universe existed while I was working on him. BUT if you're curious I'll ramble below the cut

Okay I am not a seamstress by any means. I've sewn my entire life but very, very infrequently. I've done plushies, clothes, cosplays, fursuits, accessories, etc. but I only do one like once a year, so while I planned to make all 5 bishops, I'm not really sure I'll get them all done. The material cost was like 20 bucks tops so I'm not too upset if I don't finish them. I AT LEAST WANT TO GET SHAMURA OR HEKET DONE.

here is the concept sketch ft. heket's toes and shamura's fingers. I decided to do his pre-schism version so I could fit him with jewelry! I did him first because like I said I sew infrequently and don't know wtf I'm doing, everyone else seemed a lot more complicated.

So I basically just traced this drawing on a printer paper-sized canvas in SAI, and guesstimated how everything would look in a 3D space. His head is four pieces, one triangle identical to the one in the picture, two wide triangles that are sewn together in the back, and a circle for his chin. You can't really see it in any of the pics but he's literally like a black cylindrical stick with little tentacles sewn on where his mantle connects to his cloak. The leg tentacles are one piece of felt that look like tassels, where they're connected by a rectangle but branch off into individual pieces. He can't stand up very well, so his cape keeps him up (that's gonna be an issue for every other bishop too except heket cause she's gonna be ROUND). Mostly everything like the crown, cloak, head, etc. are cones so I just had to make a lot of wide triangles.

For the details, I just used acrylic paint that was watered down so he's not especially crunchy, and for the blush tone I used a makeup palette my mom bought me 10 years ago in hopes I'd get in touch with my "feminine side", but I grew up into a nonbinary butch lesbian so OOPS. Kallamar looks better with makeup than me anyway. I'm kinda sad I couldn't get his freckles as lopsided as I draw them but it probably looks better in plush form to have them even anyway....

I could just post the pattern so I don't have to explain this but 1. I am mentally ill about the thought of my kallamar being in someone else's house and 2. the original pattern had to be tweaked while I was working on him so the final pattern straight up doesn't exist, I winged it the whole time

OH and the jewelry is just scrap pieces I had laying around, I might repaint it all to be gold instead of silver + bronze. I used 20g aluminum wire for his armlet thing, jumper rings for his earrings + ring (+ a diamond dot from my mom's kits for the gem) and chain for the bracelet. I made him an amulet as well but it felt like overkill so I took it off. I'm probably gonna make him a plague doctor mask and medicine bag sometime because I think about nurse kallamar more than I probably should :') I've already sewn one as a prop for a toy raven before so it shouldn't be too hard

[verstappentime]

here's a bit of random divorce verse scene for everyone during this hard week. max is taking care of dan, don't worry ❤️ we find our boys at the suzuka. max is there with charles and daniel didn't know he was coming.

⇢ ⇢ “Daniel.” Max’s voice behind him should be startling, but maybe he’s been expecting him to show up all night. “It’s late.”

Daniel kicks his feet in the pool water, watching the fluorescent blue ripples. He doesn’t look up. “What are you doing here?” he asks, no bite to it.

“Of course I am looking for you.” Max winces as he lowers himself to sit beside Daniel. “If I zoom in really far I can see your dot is near the pool.”

“Can’t sleep,” Daniel says. “Why were you looking for me?”

Max doesn’t answer. “Charles can never sleep here either. I’ve always slept in his room.”

“It’s weird,” Daniel says, swallowing. He looks at the sky instead of at Max. It’s still surreal that he’s here.

“Ghosts,” Max says. He moves closer, deliberately, so their thighs touch. “He’s worse this year. It’s why I came. I think probably it’s my fault.”

“Makes sense.” He can’t think about Max being compared to Jules or he’ll go fucking insane.

Max wraps his hand around Daniel’s wrist, like he knows Daniel needs to know he’s alive. “Let me take you to your room,” Max says, all soft. Daniel lets himself look; he’s in his sleep shorts and a ratty t-shirt, black with a huge bleach stain. He looks soft, too. “I will help you sleep.”

“Okay,” Daniel says, because he’s tired and heavy and Max is here. He lets Max tug him to his feet. He’s getting stronger.

He half-expects Max to lead him to the elevator, but he lets go. No, he wants to say. Be connected to me again, please.

God. Max had shown up here, halfway across the world, and he hadn’t even warned him.

They don’t talk in the elevator, Daniel leaning against the wall and closing his eyes. He can feel Max watching him up close, the way he stops and starts. He must be doing something on his phone.

The elevator dings. “Uh, it’s this way,” Daniel tells him. He feels itchy. He hadn’t even let himself think about— this.

Another time, he would’ve been stealing Max off Charles for something else. Something good.

Max shuts the door behind him. “Your room is smaller than ours,” he says.

He doesn’t like that word. Max shouldn’t share things with people that aren’t him. “It’s nice,” he says, sitting on the end of the bed.

“I will take care of you now, okay?” Max says, quiet. Daniel just blinks at him.

He wants to laugh. You’ve fucking cored me like an apple, Max, I can’t love anyone else and I’m fucked, and I messed this up, and I won’t be better until you come home. But he just says, “okay,” because that’s what Max prompted. Because he wants to let him try.

“Okay,” Max says again, and he fucking— kneels down and starts untying Daniel’s shoe.

His movements are so much easier than a couple months ago. It’s taking him concentration — it’s a dextrous task — but he pulls the knot free. “You can’t wear these to bed,” he says, like that makes it make sense.

“You don’t have to,” Daniel blurts.

“I know,” Max says. He kisses the inside of Daniel’s knee, unties his other shoe, pulls it off. Sets them gently to the side.

Something about it is making Daniel desperately homesick. He’s not sure for where. He can’t help stroking Max’s hair, thumbing behind his ear. His throat is too thick for talking.

Max soothes a hand under his shorts, over the top of his thigh. “Do you want these off?” he asks.

God. Daniel can’t believe he’s sad enough to not be getting hard at this. “It’s okay,” he says, because that might not last forever. “Come up here.” He offers Max a hand, which he takes, letting Daniel hoist him up.

“Let me,” Max says, tugging at the hem of Daniel’s shirt.

“Okay,” he says, again, and lets Max pull it up over his head. He reaches out, grabbing Max’s wrist. He doesn’t mean to. He just— he feels unmoored and he needs to be anchored back to him.

He knows Max is here for Charles. He said. But his heart just keeps asking whywhywhywhy. You flew halfway around the world. You knew I would be here. You knew.

Max looks down at Daniel’s hand and he must get it a little bit because he says, “I’m right here, Daniel.” But he’s been gone and Daniel isn’t alright, and he didn’t know if Max would touch him like that again. “Do you– do you want me to get you a different shirt?”

“I— Yeah.” Daniel clears his throat. “I can get one.”

“No,” Max says, stubborn. “I want to. You’re tired.” He rifles through Daniel’s bag, probably messing everything up. He comes back with the most generic, plain red T-shirt money can buy. It’s his own, and there’s no way he doesn’t know it. Daniel doesn’t buy things in packs of three.

Max hands the shirt over. Daniel thanks him again as he pulls it over his head. He wishes Max would dress him. He’s never wanted anything like that before.

“Can I stay here?” It’s so weird, Max asking him for stuff like this. Back before everything, back when he was young and nervous and telling himself he wasn’t, he would always insist, push himself into Daniel’s space, root himself to a place there.

“I thought you needed to be with Charles.”

“He’s okay. He was sleeping when I left.” Max takes his phone out of his pocket, ticks the volume on. “I texted him to call if he needs me.”

Daniel imagines him waiting for Charles to sleep so he could slip away and find him. Max, Max, Max, why are you here.

“Okay. Yeah. Stay then.”

Max smiles. He looks shy. I fucking love you, Daniel thinks. “Let’s lay down, okay? And I will help you sleep.”

“Hold on.” Daniel carefully tugs the duvet off the bed, leaving just a thin blanket, because Max runs hot and is like a fucking furnace at night. He had to start asking hotels for extra blankets since Silverstone.

Daniel lays down; Max gets the lights and slips in beside him, half-sitting up against the pillows. “I want to hold you,” Max says. So Daniel rests his head against Max’s chest, next to where his heart is thumping. It’s an uncomfortable way to sleep, for Max, but he offered. Maybe he’ll wait for Daniel to fall asleep and leave, like he did with Charles.

Max wraps his arms around Daniel’s chest, squeezing, pressing his nose into Daniel’s hair. I miss you, he’d said, a month ago now. He’d said it hurt.

“You did this for me,” Max says. “When we got home from the hospital. You took off my shoes and you dressed me and put me in bed. You said to wake you up if it hurt and you slept with me, and held me, and–” He swallows, and Daniel feels it ripple. “It was so nice, Daniel. It was so nice. At the hospital I felt so awful and I didn’t like everyone helping but it was okay because it was you.”

“Baby–”

Max keeps talking. “You did it a lot of times and you brought me my medicine and helped me sit up to brush my teeth and helped me shower. I was sad and everything hurt and sometimes I was angry and I never said thank you and I never did it for you, Daniel. I never took care of you.”

“I didn’t need–” He doesn’t know what he was going to say. You to thank me or to be taken care of.

“You looked so sad today,” Max says, forging on, stubborn. “You are skinny and you look tired. And I am trying to remember if you looked like that when I saw you last but my memory is shit. So I want– I want to take care of you now.”

[mrghostrat]

ok OK listen. here are my latest streamer au thoughts before i try to hop off for the day:

i love "married couple madly in love that no one realises are together because they're so different" but i am also terrible at fic planning for established relationships, and my favourite part about aziraphale/crowley is the lead up and the pining

so what if......... "streamers who no one realises are roommates because they're so different" AND "roommates who are secretly madly in love with each other but are so focused on keeping their own infatuation secret they don't notice it's reciprocated until thousands of online strangers start to point it out" ?????

fic concept: crowley and aziraphale are two full time streamers living together. they have their own spaces. but they mesh bizarrely well as roommates, and have come to really enjoy the routine of eating dinners, grocery shopping, and spending their days off together. there's still some distance between them, that shy sort of "i want to show him something– oh his door is closed, i better not bother him," invitations are actual invitations rather than "i'm doing this and you're coming with me," and they're not a CrowleyAndAziraphale unit yet.

both chats are going mad trying to figure out why crowley's roommate's voice is so familiar, and where they've seen that red hair in the corner of aziraphale's screen before. there's conspiracy theories and a subset of shippers (stoked by both crowley and aziraphale's occasional penchant to sigh and vent about a vague crush they haven't named, but is definitely their mysterious roommate if you watched every stream and collaborated on an elaborate google doc to connect all the dots together) but their mods are the only ones who know they live together. (and ship it. of course they know about the crushes and ship it to death and are just watching with popcorn waiting for these idiots to figure it out)

some people piece it together with all the off hand mentions and mid stream tea deliveries, and more start to believe them when crowley drags aziraphale to a twitchcon event and they're seen being friendly in photos together. they're also aware of people constantly asking and guessing about their illusive roommates, but when crowley finally pops up on an aziraphale stream, both streamers are startled at just how insanely their communities react to the innocuous reveal.

nothing changes for aziraphale and crowley. they were never intentionally hiding the fact, so they just continue referring to each other in their normal vague terms. but now when a new viewer is like "who's your roommate?" long time subs with the lore will fill them in. and it very quickly starts to sound like "crowley lives with aziraphale, that wholesome kitchen streamer. someone's made a clip comp, you should go watch. it's adorable they're so in love" and crowley sees these messages like what the FUCK are yall talking about in here on this day, and bans a message for the first time in six months.

aziraphale of course sees none of these messages because he's a fuckin luddite and can't keep up with chat.

or. maybe he's just choosing not to acknowledge them. because if chat can see he's in love with crowley, does that mean crowley can see it too? and that is just unacceptable and terrifying to him, so he smiles and quickly starts explaining how to saddle stitch a book spine even though literally nobody asked

(anathema, newt, and nina have worked their way through the flavoured popcorn seasonings anathema's aunt sent her for christmas, and are now experimenting with homemade seasoning recipes together) (if maggie knew about all this, she would have put her foot down and demanded they talk to aziraphale and crowley about having a conversation)

[runningfreetoday]

not to speculate before the lore is even fully revealed yet but consider the lyric “here’s my resignation, i’ll serve it in drag” from Dead! and the implications of gerard dressing up in drag as “The Secretary” for several shows and her position in the fascist regime, whatever it may be, and how she looked more and more fucked up across each of her appearances. at the time, i thought “The Secretary” directly related to 9/11 (especially with the text on the drums) but now i am Deeply Pondering all of this information from a new angle. people have already been saying our girl’s playing a “character” and that she’s gonna attempt to (and fail to?) destroy the government from the inside and die in the process and i think the dots are connecting in ways that add even more credence to this theory and it’s making me feel insane.

[folkwhore1998]

If a man talks shit then I owe him nothing (I don't regret it one bit, 'cause he had it coming)

Let's try to think of something more iconic than Reputation... 1..2..3..

Reputations Taylor's Version. The anticipation is literally insane. Of course I'm excited for it to come out, but one of the things I am most looking forward to is connecting the dots on the easter eggs we missed, and the easter eggs we got right.

What colors do you guys associate with Rep? Green and black or black and red? It really could go either way. Some people lean more towards one.

My question that I want answered: WILL THERE BE A NEW REP BODY SUIT? There has to be one, right? What do you guys think?

Reputation is legendary and is quite honestly one of the most brilliant comebacks of all time. I can't imagine the things Taylor was going through during that period of time. I have a lot of thoughts on Kanye West and Kim Kardashian that I am just going to keep to myself- but let's just say, Kanye West is delusional and disgusting. reputation was the best fuck you in history, not even just to him, but to all the nasty reporters and cowards on the internet.

I personally adore reputation and the entire era was a serve. I love everything about it. Even if you enjoy other albums a bit more, there is no denying that it is ICONIC.

The scene in Miss Americana where she was snubbed grammy nominations for rep was very sad to watch. She said she just had to make a better record, when reputation IS an incredible record.

That is one thing about music that is so fascinating to me- is the way it all resonates with us. It wasn't that she had to make a better record, but rather reputation was too ahead of its time.

Personally, my biggest regret is not being able to go to the reputation tour. It is crazy to think that it was her last tour before COVID hit, but what an incredible note to leave off on.

Ratatatatatatata

Here are my REP RANKINGS:

Don't Blame Me

Call It What You Want

Getaway Car

King of My Heart

I Did Something Bad

...Ready For It?

Delicate

New Years Day

Look What You Made Me Do

Dress

End Game

Gorgeous

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

So It Goes...

Dancing With Our Hands Tied

Honorable mentions:

i know this technically is not during the rep era, but it's still my favorite

Here is the link to a IDSB crewneck! I think its great for spooky season (and all year round ofc)

Here is the link to some snake shot glasses! You can take a shot every time you clown for rep TV:

@taylornation @taylorswift

[sea-salted-wolverine]

i just found out something insane.

Interior, northern, and most of western Alaska has no medevac capabilities. as in if you get fucked and need a helicopter ride to the hospital you are stuck hoping for some bullshit.

so in the civilized world, medevac companies can be dispatched out to remote or difficult-to-reach injuries and emergencies and it functions like a flying ambulance. the medics arrive on scene in the helicopter and that's the transport to the hospital. this is the case in anchorage and the outlying communities as well as the southwest.

if you are north of Talkeetna and you get hurt badly here are your options. First, you hope that first responders can reach you by land because they won't be coming by air. They won't even be coming by water because while there is a robust Coast Guard presence in this state the ocean freezes for half the year and AFAIK once the water is solid there's not much they can do.

so once the medic gets to you and decrees that yep you definitely need hospital now as in helicopter-now these are your options.

you can 1.) hope that the State Troopers are bored. Emergency transport is not the trooper's job and the helicopters are not set up for it but if they're not doing anything else you can get a pilot out to the middle of nowhere to come help you.

or 2.) and I am not making this up, you hope that it is summertime and that something near you is on fire but not so on fire that the wildland fire crews can't spare the resources to get you to town.

And then that gets you to Fairbanks Memorial which is ... like trying to go grocery shopping at a gas station. If it is anything more complex than a broken bone, you're moving on. probably to Seattle. not to mention the medics who kept you alive on the flight there now need to figure out how to get back to wherever they came from.

for reference, courtesy of NPS

Eastern Kansas, Missouri, the Panhandle and the Aleutians get to live in the 21st century. kinda.

but the part that really gets me is that THERE IS NO ALTERNATIVE. there are no roads to these places. to get to the hospital in a non-emergency requires a plane anyway. or a couple weeks on a barge.

see the red? those are roads. see all the dots with no roads going to them? think that there are some roads this map managed to leave out and that this is an exaggeration of how poorly connected this place is? nope. sure there are some smaller roads that didn't make it on the map, but the cartographer didn't miss a road the length of Nebraska.

This is also why buying an Arizona green tea costs seven dollars in Galena.

[shizunitis]

old man yells at cloud: shen qingqiu and the fandom

cw: discussions of homophobia, abuse & ableism

this was not supposed to get this long, or this disorganised. there’s also a lot of profanity because i am who i am. i half-apologise. annoyed/-ing yapping continues under the cut. i’ll reward u at the end with something i promise

look. listen. hear me out

i agree that shen “yuan” qingqiu is oblivious and it’s funny to see him panic and scramble for a foothold in the insane world of pidw, but some of you honestly sound like you think he should be drawn and quartered for having trauma.

y’all safely out of the closet, loved, accepted and supported since the womb? is that it? you’ve never hurt someone by believing lies purposely fed to you by “the system”? lies that, when questioned, get you punished or shunned? you’ve never been guilty? you’ve never been scared? you’ve never had to hide a part of yourself to be accepted? you’ve never been frustrated by your loved ones’ insistence that “they know better”?

“mxtx wrote a novel where the internet troll gets his comeuppance for bullying the poor author” cannot coexist with “abuse/pain/unjust punishment cannot give birth to a healthy society”. either you want shen yuan broken and made into something else more palatable to you, or you want him to be free to dote on and protect binghe and heal. it is clear what the story chose to do.

there’s a whole ass novel out here that’s basically screaming “be compassionate! be kind! be vulnerable! accept others as they come! solipsism is a bullshit thought experiment and not some grand theory about the nature of the universe!” and yet you’ve somehow, as if hungry for blood, focused solely on the shortcomings of a lost, inexperienced young man trying to make the best of his situation while being coerced by an omniscient, omnipotent, asshole of a god.

there is no clearer allegory in modern media about the destructive influence of coercion, brainwashing, and thought policing, than the one presented in svsss. and yet! here i fucking am, coffee-less, reading with my own two eyes corpsezun-cold ass takes on the “proper” ways of navigating self-discovery.

i hate having to be the one to tell someone to touch grass, so i’ll just urge you to read something else, something literal and educational about the struggles of queer/disabled/vulnerable people in unkind societies (all of them) and outright hostile ones (most of them). watch documentaries, seek out the elders of your communities, think back on your own unpleasant experiences, speak with people you don’t agree with and approach conversations with curiosity. lurk in fandoms before you post.

this is something you’ve internalised: that a queer person must be pure of mind and spirit to expect compassion. that a vulnerable person you deem weak must not be listened to since clearly, someone else knows better. that someone who makes a mistake/misunderstands something should be shunned, or at the very least berated in spite of having already faced the consequences of their actions.

y’all don’t have to love everyone to be kind to them and understand them. and honestly trying to “punish” a repressed queer man for how he’s choosing to survive in a hostile environment by spouting borderline-cruel bullshit about his thoughts that never leave his brain just tells me that you have done close to no self-assessment and are liable to hurt people by accidentally saying some horrendous shit you don’t even realise is painful to hear.

as you have done, and keep doing, especially when seriously and without a moment of reflection you post non-jokey “haha shen yuan is stupid and oblivious of course that happened. every friend he has trying to assert control over his choices is a just and reparative consequence of his stupid pea-brained attempt to survive. the system was good actually.”

i fucking love making ‘liu qingge was a victim’/‘lmao bingy is horny gripping shizun connect the dots’/‘shizun cannot be trusted outside for more than half an hour’/‘lmao ballad of bingqiu’ jokes because yeah! that happens! you get people who crush on you! people sometimes get infatuated with you! sometimes people get very invested in your life! sometimes people worry and care even if you don’t realise it!and it is somewhat comical in hindsight, a bit endearing, a lot bewildering, but ultimately mundane and entirely human!

until it actually starts affecting you in real ways. until people try to corral your movements because they “can’t trust you to be safe” without listening to you, a grown ass adult who clearly knows something they don’t. until your own mistakes come to bite you in the ass and, when you’ve fucking fixed it, you get berated and judged for it because others’ self-righteousness takes precedence.

good people learn and change and take responsibility for hurting those around them. they allow those who have erred to find a better path forward. they act with compassion and respect for even the most undesirable of their peers.

there are many messages in svsss that you can learn from. while it falls short in some aspects (naturally, by virtue of being written by a high-schooler), it does not fail in presenting a human perspective on fucked-up circumstances and asking you to understand and empathise.

characters are there to hold up a mirror for you. it’s a safe, consequence-free opportunity to look inwards and decide if you’re okay, or if some things might need addressing.

fandom is a playpen and you get to do whatever you want forever to the dolls. but your playmates are real people who, in some cases, are susceptible to your influence, and will be hurt by how you choose to present your commentary. when they leave the sandbox and see the distorted reflection of your arguments come alive in the real world, they will then internalise it, just as you have.

and then i’ll have to read it and it’s, frankly, depressing to see what my Not Homophobic, Very Woke (lie) high-school classmates would say all over again. is that what you want? to be likened to a 15 year-old eastern european boy? really?

obviously i’m not talking about jokes, bits, comedies, haha hehe’s, or fanfic depictions that i may not agree with from a storytelling standpoint.

i’m not the mayor of who-gets-to-talk-ville, but i’ve lived all my life in a deeply homophobic, racist, ableist and economically fucked country of former soviet influence and it just, like, annoys me to see the same sentiments in these kinds of spaces coming from inexperienced/young people who just don’t realise the impact of their own ignorance. i hope i’ve made this clear even if i sound like a finger-wagging dirty-mouthed grandpa yelling at the kids on my lawn.

fuck i’m so tired

anyway. here’s the reward:

ah… that makes me feel so much better. <3

[eazy-peazy54]

My problem with the Will Wood fandom, (a.k.a touch grass, a.k.a stan culture can suck it) (an essay.)

This one is LONG and a DOOZY, so buckle up if you like to read.

just want to clarify, i do NOT hate the will wood fandom in itself. AT ALL. I love you guys (/p)

i just dislike the people who say weird and creepy shit. if that doesnt apply to you, cool! but tell the people who do that shit to knock it off.

NO DISCOURSE IN THE REBLOGS I WILL ATTACK YOU

One HUGE gripe I have with the Will Wood fandom is how some of you guys treat Will Wood like (and this is literally the only way I can put this that isn't too serious) some all-powerful deity of knowledge that you would kill AND die for. In this essay, I will explain why [some of] you are fucking creeps.

Will Wood. Where do I begin. For the very few who are unaware, Will Wood is a singer-songwriter who makes very strange avant garde whatchamacallit evil jazz/swing music. He has been known as Will Wood since 2015, where he released his first album, Everything Is A Lot, under the name Will Wood and the Tapeworms.

Me personally, I first heard of him from the song Dr. Sunshine Is Dead, from the good old days of 2018 animation meme Youtube.

Ever since the inevitable Tiktokification of the song I / Me / Myself, from The Normal Album, the Will Wood fandom has become... well.. full of children. I have no place to speak, of course, because I myself, am a teenager, but I'm talking like. 11-14 year olds.

11-14 year olds who are all fucking INSANE.

Will Wood has been put in what I like to call;

The Holy Trinity.

This being the big three artists who the mentally ill queers (like me) listen to.

Lemon Demon, Tally Hall, and of course, Will Wood.

Being in this holy trinity has both done him good, and bad. On the positive side, yay!! More streams, more plays, more people to appreciate the craft, and more people who like the music! On the negative side, now you have an army of children listening to adult music, interacting with adult music and music videos, who are willing to do ANYTHING to get your attention, because they are young and don't know much better.

And here, stuck in the middle of it all, is poor William.

Stuck as a straight "gay icon," in a sea of twelve year olds.

Well shit.

---

Leading to the second part of my half-essay.

2020. The year shit changed for Will Wood. The Normal Album was released, and people found themselves relating to I / Me / Myself, as stated before. Then this "new," unheard of fandom was kind of birthed upon Tiktok. They were treating him like fucking jesus.

Which is weird.

They were sad, gay, looking for answers, and found them in Will's music. Which is like. Cool!

But when people were saying that he was trans, and then switched up and said he was making fun of trans people?

Yeah. Not that cool actually.

Coming back to the present now, Will has stated how weird these kids are.

In a response from a AMA for In Case I Make It on the official Will Wood subreddit, (I know. Ew, gross, Reddit, but this post was what inspired me to make this in the first place, so,) Will says this:

---

"When I was living in the sticks along the Delaware during the pandemic, I had this weird sort of mystical thing going on inside my head that was trying connect dots in my life and turn meaningless nothing things into signs that I would die.

This was happening around the same time I was dealing with getting actual public attention for the first time, and was living in an area where nobody wore masks, and was living with people who were at risk of serious covid complications if they caught it. Also for most of it I was the dreaded 27, and having been a bit of a junkie in my younger years and an idiot with a barely-treated psychiatric wreck in my brain for most of the ones following it, it was not unlike me to assume I'd die young.

It just seemed too perfect.

As I was dealing with the reception of the normal album (my first truly scathing reviews, I/Me/Myself "discourse," being the subject of conversation on a larger scale) which was beyond what I was prepared for psychologically in terms of its scope and type, my anxious rumination started to veer toward genuine paranoia.

I started thinking that I would die by my own hand or be murdered by one of these crazed Will Wood fans in the dead of night. So I didn't sleep like ever, I lost a bunch of weight and couldn't gain it back for a while, I freaked out a whole bunch and I'm surprised looking back I never lost my sobriety or whatever.

Since it started to look more and more like cosmic fact that I was doomed, I started to feel greater and greater desperation to get out these songs that I had been quietly writing over the previous year or two. Songs I'd written while going through a big breakup and wrestling with rotten parts of me that were finally accessible due to my finally being properly medicated and dealing with the real shit in therapy. And then songs I'd written as I went through these changes."

---

Obviously that is a lot to unpack for a Tumblr essay, but since you’re this far, you probably read it all already.

“Stans,” as most would call them, and “Stan Culture” as a whole, is just a huge wreck. Everyone is always fighting someone. We know this. We all do. Stans scare artists. 

I want you to think. Think of the artists who are inspired by Will Wood. The ones who want to cater out their music to the Will Wood fans. Imagine if you will, those artists seeing that AMA post, seeing the crazed fans, seeing the relentless sexualization, the jokes about serious issues, like Will’s past drug use, seeing all of this and thinking:

“Is it really worth it?

Is it really worth all of this to make music and put myself out there?”

Now, that may make you uncomfortable, but it's the honest truth. And it's happened to so many people, and so many artists. 

---

And now a message to the disgraced kids who managed to latch on to Will Wood’s music.

Treating a musical artist like a god is not gonna help anyone. I’d know. I’ve seen it happen multiple times, to multiple artists. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is think before posting on the internet. Think to yourself; would I say this to the artist's face? Could someone see this and think differently of me? Is this just weird to say in general?

Remember that these people are real people. Will Wood is a real person. With real thoughts. real feelings. a life to live. He's not just some music making machine. He’s not just some silly character. He’s not just some whimsical guy who we can all project onto.

Will Wood is a real person, and everyone should treat him that way. 

Thank you for reading.

(I will edit this essay if I think of anything else to add. That or I'll just reblog it.)

[tabithatwo]

I know you'll be busy answering ship asks for awhile but like. I think So Much about how Nat would not have let Jackie die. Jackie's death only works for me because Nat has this perfect reason for not being there - out searching for Javi with Travis all night. Like they must've made a fire, and also had each other for warmth, but Jackie was just. Alone. And if Nat had seen her she would have DRAGGED her ass back inside suicidal tendencies be fucking damned !!!! Jackie: I'm gonna kill myself. Nat: NOT ON MY WATCH! But she wasn't there. She couldn't stop it. I'm so sad lmao. Also let me acknowledge Shauna's part in all this lol. This is gonna sound wild(?) Mayhaps but I almost feel like the wilderness kept her asleep? Does that make sense? Because here's the thing Shauna is 100% mean petty stupid stubborn etc enough to just. Not bring Jackie inside lmao and obviously none of them knew that it would snow, or that she wouldn't put effort into starting a fire. Jackie is also obviously all of those things as well and would not have come inside without Shauna going to get her. And I'm not trying to give too much weight to the vague supernatural element, it's tragic no matter what, but in my mind that Death Dream that Jackie and Shauna share was almost hypnotizing both of them in a way. And it could have gone differently. Like I read it as: their connection is that strong, Shauna sensed that Jackie was dying, and she COULD have woken up in time, she could have !!! But the wilderness wanted Jackie so it kept them both asleep and in that dream. This isn't something I've shared on here or told anyone lol it's just for me < 3 no one has to agree with it. I think the reason I buy into it is that yes Jackie and Shauna are dumb enough to create that ridiculous of a situation but for Shauna to sleep through the night.... Without waking once... Without some sort of influence THAT I find hard to buy. She would have been too anxious to fall asleep even. But, they were Out There, and they were both lulled into sleep, Jackie so she could die, and Shauna so she couldn't save her. And Nat had to be gone too, so the wilderness hid Javi away ((not literally, hopefully you get what I'm saying)) idk the 3 of them just make me so insane and so sad. It's always felt to me like Jackie died by the skin of her teeth, her girls would have, could have, should have saved her, but. The wilderness kept them at bay.

I did in fact proof-read this after the fact pls post this version (if you decide to post it at all) xnjxjxxjdj

ANON!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO?????? YOU HAVE BLOWN MY MIND IN THE BEST WAY???? THANK YOU????

everyone clap for anon for putting this in my inbox cause holy HOLY! you. are. so. onto. something. and i cannot believe i never noticed this or connected these dots, because i am ALL ABOUT the wilderness/it using the dream realm to fuck with them. this is the natural conclusion to come to from that perspective!! like!! yes!! i always found it bizarre that shauna could fall asleep after the emotional fight of a lifetime/her secrets being exposed like that, and that is especially true when we see her up late in the attic over smaller things in s1 or over other big moments in s2. this in genius. i'm adopting this into my worldview i am obsessed this is everything. love love love it and thank you for dropping this wisdom in my asks!

[strawberrybyers]

ok somehow i discovered a comic called “penguin dreams and stranger things” that was created on march 1, 1985.

if you know anything about penguins then you know that homosexuality amongst penguins has been proven! also, the comic was inspired by the painting “daybreak” which was considered to be romantic featuring TWO women

the comic is about characters michael binkley and the penguin, opus. in one of the comics, michael brings opus to school to meet his friend milo. this comic also mentions greenpeace’s rainbow warrior and how opus boarded it; i made a post about that here. there is also mention of “soviets” and “the big one”… vecna is also known as “one”/there’s a connection between the upside down, the lab, and russia. michael also dresses up as boy george. boy george is a gay male singer. does anyone know if boy george is featured on the official spotify playlist for mike???

opus the penguin has a similar story to el’s?? both separated from their mother and doesn’t know who his father is. also, opus is associated with the rainbow warrior and el is associated with the rainbow room.

this is how the character michael binkley is described… um, why are there similarities to mike lmfao??? michael binkley has a closet that is filled with anxieties?? anyone recall the scene of the one way sign pointing to mike’s closet in s4?? and in a recent behind the scenes photo, we can see a star wars poster on mike’s wall. mention of computer technology.. we know there’s a computer club from one of the behind the scenes photos. anyways, michael is expected to be a certain kind of person even though he has other desires… finn wolfhard: “mike is just trying to be as normal as possible”

milo bloom was the main character and is friends with michael binkley. once opus the penguin is introduced, milo gets overshadowed by michael and opus. now, why does that sound like what happened with mike, el, and will?!?! also, there’s mention of spear fishing with a whale harpoon?? a sticker to stop fishing is on the door from the recent behind the scenes photo and there’s multiple mentions of whales on that door! i wrote a post about whales here.

i know this is insane and maybe i’m reading too much into it, but this would be absolutely one hell of a fucking coincidence. like I AM CONNECTING THE DOTS I SWEAR

[turtlesocksv2]

4 Minutes Ep 2 Liveblogging

ok i'm not even going to look at my dash, i am going straight into this. I have been home for all of 10 minutes but I cannot wait.

oh somebody just got their ass beat Cain and Abel style.

So her son committed suicide because of gambling debts. We know who's running an online gambling operation. I see the dots, I am starting to connect them. also LMFAO at Tyme he does NOT know how to deal with patients it looked like it was physically painful for him while she was talking and he was trying to figure out what the fuck to say/do. and in the end, he does the least. Take these pills and tomorrow there will be another, DIFFERENT doctor who is NOT ME that you can tell this to.

Even the nurses gossip about how intimidating and cold he is. Very interested in Tyme's doctor ex-girlfriend just from that throwaway. Girl, do not drop out of your specialty over a boy!!!

Heyyyy it's my other boy Mio! I hope he gets to be unhinged here as well. And lmao at Title being an Awful Boyfriend Jet is really getting typecast as The Worst Dude. Ohohoho, sneaky sneaky with the phone recording, good job Dome!!!

god this flashback/dreamsequence/thinking about his powers scene is so visually interesting. i love it.

Title, your girlfriend is missing and people are suspecting you are involved maybe don't have a dance party in your car??? waiting for your bestie to help cover it up??? he fucking is keeping her locked up until she won't break up with him anymore oh my god. Jet really DOES play The Worst Dude every time. Great, you could stand to be a little more concerned your friend is a kidnapper here, this is why the goddess of time is telling you to experience character growth and be a doper person.

AND NOW TITLE HAS DOME IN THE TRUNK OF HIS CAR POSSIBLY DYING. THIS MAN JUST CAN'T STOP.

good on Great for kicking Title's ass and taking Dome to the hospital.

Lmao at Tyme fixing his hair and tucking in his scrub top before seeing Great as a patient. the nurse calling him out about it without saying anything is Peak Comedy. this fucking loser.

Tyme, Great is in no condition to be dealing with a Hot Doctor who is Looming like that. he has a head injury! the way Tyme just gets all up in his space...I am losing my goddamn shit at the heartbeat sound effect going on while Tyme is inspecting the wound. God this conversation is excruciating in the best way Tyme is down so bad it's hilarious.

Oooooh, JJay is a cop. Oh that's going to be delicious when we get KornTonklaWin drama from it.

Oh, is Tonkla Title's brother? that's interesting. Win has much better bedside manner/victim comforting than Tyme does. Korn's brother killing Tonkla's brother...the drama.

Oh but now we're getting a confrontation between Great and Title...hallucination? was the dead body not Title? anyway, the ticking clock effect works very well here. love these little audio touches that add so much.

Tyme here to save the day! so Title is indeed alive unless Sammon's getting Real Weird With It which I would respect. Once again, it is physically painful for Tyme to express human emotions "I was just worried" ok stalker. he's such a fucking disaster.

Nepo Baby Kitty returns!!! so fluffy, so majestic, would cuddle and feed sponsored treats.

uh-oh system crash at the illegal gambling operation is probably not great!

oof, Korn, just don't answer at all. no wonder Tonkla's gonna leave your ass for the hot cop.

the cello players are really insane, actually. This mafia uncle has flair, I like it.

I've only known Fasai for 2 minutes and I love her already. Mafia Queen!

...Is Bas going to be Ass Out every episode? Because I'm not complaining, love that for him.

Poor Tonkla, waiting desperately for his Ain't Shit boyfriend/sugar daddy/whatever to call him. But wait, what's this? Hot Cop Win is at the door? Sammon always delivers the "ACAB...except for this one Hot Cop that is only half a bastard." be grateful that Tonkla isn't breaking into your car to steal evidence and do his own investigation, Win!

[a-s-levynn]

How i do stuff | Part 2

Okay so i'm kinda doing this backwards going from the shading back to the sketching but not like i did anything logically ever.

THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE A LINE FOR LINE PROCESS because i am not that insane. Yet.

To be honest the entire sketching process is very intuitive on my part so i don't think i can provide much insight here but i'll try to make it make sense.

It is really not as conscious as the shading.

So first: have an idea to work with

Find a concept i like and go from there.

I decided that i want Vessel to look upwards and a little bit to the side and add some other details (which you are not going to see here yet. We are talking about sketching people here not background or whatever.)

Next step: i try to find a reference image that is as close to the desired pose as possible. It could either be made by a posing tool or actual reference image. Whichever is at hand.

(For whatever mysterious reasons i have a small catalog of IV pics in my head rent free so i actually knew what i was looking for.)

I use reference pictures for a few reasons. For one, they make it so much easier to figure out poses and movements. But more importantly by looking at them i can figure out the flow of the body much more faster than just from memory. They also help with understanding how cloth is draping or the way light hits certain shapes and surfaces. There are a lot of benefits.

Anyway so we have our reference picture:

But i wanted Vessel to look the other way so flipped it. (Zoom in not mandatory but we don't need the rest of IV for this.)

Ye okay i can now kind of figure out where goes what in relation to one and other.

Okay okay okay i know: draw a circle than finish the fucking owl.. no bear with me. I need something on the page to talk about what i do. Lemme explain:

So first i'm starting with the traditional x or cross (blue on the pic below). I usually i orient it in my head that the meeting point of the line is the part of your nose dips right above the nosebridge. Because that is usually in the same level as the eyes. At least how i start, they could be moved up or down later.

So the horizontal line for me is the middle of the middle pair of eyes/eyeholes for Vessel or if there is only one set of eyes than it is the middle line for the eyes. I found it most comfortable in proportion wise for me to start with. (This horizontal line would be the tip of the ears as well if i had ears on here.)

Than i pick where the tip of the nose and the mouth is going to be roughly. Doesn't have to be more than a little dot or line, it is going to be changed later anyway.(pink lines below)

I also pick a comfortable spot on the vertical line where the point of the chin is going to be, where throat starts and pick a spot for the addam's apple.(pink lines below)

Than i make the whole head into somewhat head like shape (pink egg like shape below), because where that ends is basically what i'm connecting with the chin point to find the jawline. (green lines below)

Maybe even add to a line or two for where i imagine the hood to go just for funsies.

What else i do simultaniously with this is finding the flow of the face because where his adam's apple is, will tell me where the neck bends in the movement, the neck curving point will show where the shoulder connects, but also where the tendons are going towards the suprasternal hollow and then where the collarbones start and angle back up towards the shoulders etc. Everything connects to the next thing.

(I also do this for half or full body figures as well, only there i'm trying to find the flow of the entire body. Or more accurately the curve of the spine in a natural or close to natural shape first and then figure out the smaller parts.)

Look i'm not gonna lie, for this to be eyeballed off of even a pretty close reference picture in a way that looks close to natural or makes sense, you have to have a basic understanding of anatomy.

It doesn't have to be a conscious understanding but it has to be there. There are endless tutorials out there to help with this and i highly recommend looking up a few because i know not everyone can learn it just by looking at dancers and anatomy lab videos.

Next step: find a reference for the mask and preferably for the mouth because i'm bad at drawing mouths and i want to learn. If it is moving make it not moving, it helps a lot. Kill it with a screenshot, put it in Paint, bury it in a jpeg. Simple as that.

When i have my mask reference, i'm just trying to find a sweet spot that matches it in a way that feels good. First i'm going for the rough outline of it, details can be added later. It is not going to be a one-to-one to the reference because it is not the exact same angle, but it still helps.

And from here it is mostly just trial end error of putting lines and details in and than erasing them until i reach a state where i can say: yup this is look decent enough and can refine it into a lineart and start shading.

Not much else i could share here about this part of the process because as i've said most of it is pretty intuitive and based on a certain level of anatomical understanding.

(Hopefully you'll see the end result in a couple of days but we'll see how much time i'm going to have.)

Love you all and i'm sorry i can't provide more than this ♥