#am i connecting things or am i just bullshitting myself lmao

[protect-namine]

hmmm don't really want to reformat the thread here for archiving, with pictures and all, but I'll write a bullet point version of my thoughts/theories so far.

some "givens" that I'm basing things off of:

khaenri'ah's solution against the elements when they wanted to fight celestia was to use experiential substances (memory, wish, soul, persona, reason) in alchemy. the narzissenkreuz ordo used this knowledge to create the holy blade of narzissenkreuz via magic.

khaenri'ah flipped the citrinitas and rubedo stages of alchemy and it looks like they were really fixated on "gold" but "red" should still be the final stage of the magnum opus that leads to the philosopher's stone

teyvat is going through its own samsara cycles (I actually somehow missed the note about this one during my playthrough but it's not really surprising tbh)

the quest "in the wake of narcissus" explains the whole narzissenkreuz ordo deal and there's a lot things going on with dreams, waking up from a dream of your own making, and affecting reality with "belief" and having a powerful "will"

okay, so now my thoughts. speculation time!

"fiction" is used in genshin not just as a way to preserve the truth in case irminisul rewrites history again (think of it like encrypted data), but perhaps it serves other functions as well. one would be that fiction affects humanity, thereby generating or refining more "experiential substances" (e.g. memory, will, etc.) which we already confirmed to be active ingredients kharenri'ah used in their alchemy and the narzissenkreuz ordo used in their magic. the second function goes a step further: what if fiction (stories, songs) are themselves spells or blueprints for affecting reality? "imbue meaning into the world" is treated as actual magic, so...

a powerful "will" can rival a world, can create and destroy worlds and remake them. we already know the traveler is a person who possesses such a will.

the holy blade of narzissenkreuz can cut and unite wills from water. I do believe that the traveler's "sword of descension" is like their own holy blade, but on the scale of stars. seriously, read the description of that sword again

actually, jakob specifically says that the holy blade can "accommodate both the primordial, and that of order" and if we're going to categorize substances, I think the elements are the primordial and the "experiential substances" (memory, will, soul, persona, reason) are order. "order" is khaenri'ah's solution against the primordial elements

khaenri'ah's alchemy (khemia) is incomplete or incorrect because they flipped the alchemy stages of rubedo and citrinitas. albedo said that rubedo is the "refining of feeling" and citrinitas is when the true value of the object being transmuted has been brought to light, thereby imbuing it with "meaning" (from his ascension voice lines). all of this points to the refinement of the experiential substances but what if... there's something missing here? is that really the end product of alchemy? actually, I wonder if this is the assignment rhinedottir wanted to leave albedo with...

rene in rene's investigation notes likens the khvarena to khaenri'ah's [redacted text] which I now think is "gold" (speculation). kinda makes sense if you think of order and the primordial as opposing forces. khvarena came from the goddess of flowers who was a seelie, while "gold" is created from uhhh. alchemy? khemia? but rene notes that though they oppose each other, they have similar properties (the ability to assimilate materials and energies it comes into contact with)

teyvat is going through samsara cycles, accumulating these experiential substances and reusing them as they remake teyvat each time loop. for example, we know that memory is baked into everything, literally everything in teyvat. or, perhaps, recreating a world / resetting a samsara cycle / resetting a time loop requires both order and the primordial? after all, you're recreating a whole world. you need the experiential and the physical.

the traveler is going around the seven nations, resonating with each element. they are also accumulating so many experiences and we are constantly told by zhongli and venti that the journey matters more than the destination, to bear witness to everything and make memories. to challenge a "world" (like the sword of descension says), to "heal the hurts of the world" (from the concert glider), what if this is what the traveler needs? mastery over both the primordial elements and the experiential substances of order?

and what if, the combination of this, is the actual magnum opus of khemia. the product of rubedo... man those cubes that we saw in the genshin prologue look kinda red, don't they?

edit: okay for the last one, I'll add pictures

edit again: so I also just realized. we're on the 4th samsara cycle of teyvat. there are 4 alchemy stages to create the magnum opus. the twins are often being associated with the color "gold" (gold haired, golden butterfly, golden nara, etc). do you see what I'm getting at here

gah. I haven't done the book of esoteric revelations yet or finished the AQs. man... my head is already spinning but there's sooooo much more lore I'm not updated on...............

[roxyzwritez]

au writing shit idk

heres the Rough Plan for my first few eps:

ep1: the au branches off of canon in the final SU ep, Change Your Mind. renamed to Change Your World. when white yoinks the gem out of steven and pinksteven reforms and whiteasks W H E R E I S P I N K the response is something along the lines of "i am right here, but fuck you im not talking to you." (girlboss) and white gets the "im a child, what's your problem" and has the perfectionist meltdown, then steven's like "sorry but we gotta head out" and they're like "PINK WHAT THE FUCK?" steven goes "im not pink just leave earth alone" the gems agree and give steven The Legs™️.

pearl latches onto the idea that rose is still alive in there. (didn't write that tho just had it cut to this next bit oops) her and greg build a thing to connect to the gem that will essentially connect to pink/rose im just gonna call her rose damnit and allow her to communicate w everyone. shes like "...hey guys. uh. sorry for trying to kill myself i guess that didn't work but i have been minecraft spectating steven for the entirety of his existence with no ability to do anything but think and watch" pearl has a lesbian implosion, everyone's all happy n shit. steven eventually asks about the lying and she's like "yeag i done bad there. i just wanted to keep you guys together" (now that i think abt it there was no mention of bismuth here.. oops,) garnet gives her a Garnet Specil motivational speech and she's like "i missed you too garnet" (i forgot to mention, garnet violently explode-unfuses and ruby+sapphire are just bumbling with happy when rose spoke) amethyst has her own moment (she thought this was all bullshit and started playing fortnite upstairs but between games she heard rose and a p p e a r e d)

anyway rose then is thinking "oh man i gotta talk to so many ppl" and realizes eh guys nothing to worry abt just a HAPPY TO LISTEN, HAPPY TO STAY, HAPPILY WATCHING HER DR- but we should go there NOW" so they do, spinel is understandably distraught and breaks the gemspeaker in half but feels bad about it. she comes with the gang to earth, they show her around, a new gemspeaker is made and they reconcile. yippy! also spinel ate one of ALL. big donut flavors. sadie allowed this just for on e because steven is the LORD AND SAVIOR OF THE STEVEN UNIVERSE haha funny.

anyway she and bismuth talk. bis is kinda like "yeah i wasnt very gamer sorry about that herhee" again ignoring that SHE lied about the bubbling, conveniently forgot to explore that conversation for ease of writing and so i didn't need to go "how do i utilize my 2 iq points to channel these characters and get them to have a coherent, consistent to character conversation about this situation"

peri and lapis are called over by bismuth who doesn't say shit to them for the surprise. lapis is like "yeah ok hit me" peri is more curious. rose speaks, peridot fangirls and lapis is like "oh shit that's historically significant " peri is like "I NEED TO RESEARCH:)))" and runs off. spoiler: gem cloning

bis brings up the idea. rose is like "yeah that sounds legit" (the gem cloning conundrum took me way too long to understand. i drove my friend crazy. "hey can u explain every single quantum detail of this in the most verbose way i dont understand" but eventually i understood it JUUUUST enough to write it lmao i still don't get it)

rose n steven talk in roses room. all happy n shit. greg is told abt the plan and hes like oh shit i gotta clean up and steven is like "you know her standards. she don't give a shit" hes like "yeag"

peri makes progress! she made a little clump!! (explaining the gem cloning: theyre making essentially an empty gem with the powers but no consciousness inside. when its ready, white will take steven's gem out again, rose reforms, and the new gem gets ever so graciously stabbed into his belly where the old one was.)

peri tells steven its gonna take a year. he's like "well okay better than like hundreds of years" then he goes off to talk to the diamonds. he brings the speaker with. rose lets out the thousands of years of distrust and anger at the dismonds and they are humbled even more than when they got pinkd and rose is like "you WILL heal all the shattered ones i don't give a shit" and theyre like "whatever you say little one" (yes they do indeed heal the fallen. probably with regular shipments of steven fluid. that sounded wrong but im not a freak like that hes still 14)

also they go back home and steven talks to rose abt "you told the diamonds you literally wanted to die are you fr?" she explains and hes like YOU FATHERFUCKER, YOU ARE AMAZING AND YOU CAN'T DO THAT (crying)"

next episode is just year-long filler but i made it actually good by making it essentially a montage of lapis and peri in the barn becoming lesbian for eachother. finally, a controversial move on my part, they decide to overcome lapis's fear of fusion and fuse for stevens birthday. their fusion is turquoise (took way too long coming up with a fucking name) and can corrode (water + metal) and can morph/control metal (liquify n stuff. definitely not taken from a lapidot fusion concept i found on google images.) garnet is like "hey pearl look at these silly lesbians " pearls like "damn relatable" garnets like "yeag"

a week or a few after the bday, the gem is finally ready. everyone is excited until steven asks how this is gonna work. peri is like UHHHHH... 😊 and lapis is just "eh just take that one out, stick this one in!" peri goes NNNO- but after some damage control and telling everyone steven will be fine hes like "well i better get some good sleep then. big day!"

there's more but im done typing my fingers are about to go peridot and fuckin fly away let me know if you want the like 1other episode and the minisode after that

[divijohm]

WHAT CREEPS ARE AUTISTIC? + SUPPORT LEVELS

A/n: this are the pastas I personally think are autistic and why because I am autistic and I'll pass down the autism

Jane: I'm projecting

Cody (xvirus): because I said so

Hoodie/Brian: Because he's literally me

Toby: Because he already has ADHD and tourettes so he might as well get the whole pack

Bloody Painter: I'm projecting²

Sally: Because autism is coquette and she's too

Eyeless Jack: Because why not?

These are the autism support levels

This is not set in stone, levels can fluctuate during the week/month based on how stressed the autistic person is or how well therapy/treatment is going. A person can also be between 2 levels, I myself am between level 1 and 2, because of my high masking. I have great social difficultys but can do day to day activities (mostly) fine, although on paper I'm level 1. Support levels can also be defined by concomitant disabilities, specially if they're intellectual (down syndrome, learning delay, etc)

Ok so now to the actual reasons

Jane: She's literally the embodiment of autism in afab people lmao. Her straightforward way of speaking, black and white thinking and strong sense of justice and difficulty forming connections are all very autistic traits. She's level 1 of support, 2 on bad days

Cody: High interest in microbiology = hyper focus + special interest. Bedsides I don't see him as "social" he prefers to be alone which could be either esquizoid personality disorder, autism or both. I'll go with both. He doesn't understand humans neither really like to be with them. They're level 2 (almost 3) support

Toby: Many psychological Disorders are accompanied with others, much like a pay one get three deal, tourettes, ADHD and autism are pretty common together. It is not always that "social difficultys" are tied to shyness or isolation, it can also be pushyness and a hyper personality much like Toby's personality. He's level 1

Hoodie/Brian: In my head he's schizophrenic AND autistic. Which really makes his paranoia worse, autism already make you hear things people filter out (like electricity) this together with auditory hallucinations makes him have really bad meltdowns. He's level 3 of support but with all the bullshit he's been through he's forcing himself to be level 1, he don't manage it very well so he acts like a level 2

Bloody Painter: isn't really specified why he's bullied in the og as far as I remember and many autistic folks are bullied for no reason. His passion for painting and drawing can be seen as an hyper focus /special interest. Also his hate from loud places and crowds can be because of sensory overload. Helen also has a personality similar to mine when I was younger so why not haha. He's level 2 of support

Sally: Is pretty rare that girls are diagnosed with autism below the age of 16. So I'll give a little representation here. Her love for pink and typically girly things to the point of looking like a stereotype can be read as her special interest. Autistic girls are often more naive than the average girl of the same age, which more often than not leads to abuse/bullying, so one more point there. Not much else besides the "I want her to be autistic because I wish I was diagnosed much younger". She's level 1 support.

Eyeless jack: He's the embodiment of sensory issues, bedsides I see him as pretty socially inept, not that he doesn't like to socialize, He just don't really know how (like me). Also I see his medical skills as being a side product of his Human body special interest. He's level 2 support

[valentyn-the-mad]

for the most recent question list: 11, 14, 17.

Get ready for some rambling and maybe introspective bullshit my friend

11. what do you consider to be romance?

I think "romance" is pretty open-ended as a concept and really depends on the people involved - probably the reason it's asking about personal definitions - but that to me means there's a lot of wiggle room even in my personal opinions. I think for me at a basic level romance involves a clear partnership, being able to rely on each other for mundane stuff as well as in a crisis, ideally some physical attraction, and being able to be confident that you can trust them even with the stupid unpleasant embarrassing parts of yourself and your life and they're not going to judge you for it, but take it as part of the experience that is being with another person. Friendship, trust, reliability, and some smooching probably, with someone who's inclined to think you're really neat and has the same wants out of the package.

14. what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do?

This is even more embarrassing than my answer about romance tbh because I have a ton of things I would love to do, but I am scared of like.... everything. All the time. Not to get into it but I grew up basically always being primed for the outside world to be scary, inheriting a lot of my parents' unconscious fears and nervous issues, and so my self-confidence has always been kind of lacking since I was young. I've been working on figuring that out, and I am WAY better than I was as a teen or anything, but I still catch myself being scared to do like normal mundane stuff for no real reason?? And having to fortify myself to do it anyway. I do it, but it's not easy.

So my answer is like.... anything lmao. I really want to get used to going places and doing things alone and like, meeting new people and doing activities that I'm not 100% sure will pan out. Literally just experiencing more life around me because I've kind of become even more reclusive than I used to [pandemic definitely did me dirty here] but I wanna like. Be brave enough to just go meet people and do like an art group or something and exist in a public space where I can maybe get outside my bubble and make new connections.

17. name 3 things that make you happy

Right now I am experiencing the autumn transition and it is like, clearing some bad vibes out of me or something. Right now off the top of my head 3 amazing things:

Big pot of soup made from scratch. My go-to is beef broth or vegetable stock, garlic onion and herb seasonings, lots of root vegetables [parsnips and potatoes are my heroes], beef cubed and dusted in corn starch and seared before putting in the pot. Simmer it all a long time. Add faro for some grain boost. It's a banger every time.

My cats - obviously pets are an easy one but these noisy idiots are always making trouble but they also love to cuddle with each other as well as me so after work ending up in a cat pile on the couch counts for more than you could ever anticipate.

Going to someplace like a thrift store or big department store and looking at the ugly art pieces or furniture for sale and finding like the most tacky or cursed item and talking with my accompanying friends about where to put it in the house or how to redesign around it. Envisioning like the worst home makeover for hideous but fun items. About 20% of the time we end up buying something.

[cloudcountry]

Part 3 of rant ig?

But yeah, idia is fucking doomed by the narrative in every way and for whatever reason it make my brain light the fuck up.

I would definitely consider myself the emotional support dog to a degree? I like helping people with mental health and I feel obligated to help those I can. I've had a bad run with my own brain and my shit can be considered MILD compared to a lot of stuff. And so I look at characters like idia, I relate, and I immediately go "HOLY SHIT I NEED TO TAKE HIM OUT OF STRESSFUL SITUATIONS IMMEDIATELY " I'm the oldest of my siblings I'm a care taker I look at those people who need validation or brain feelings help and I go "I GOTCHU BRO" because if my brain made me feel as bad as I felt.. WHO KNOWS WHAT ITS DOING TO THIS POOR GUY :((( LIKE

Liking idia is like finding the wettest most pathetic half dead cat that's scared of ppl and has behavioral issues, and helping it becuase that kitty has the potential to be the bestest and most happiest cat ever

Tldr: he's so fucked up he triggers my protective and nurturer instincts

Plus!!! He likes anime and I was literally raised on that! Since I was like 8, every Saturday the whole family would watch an episode of Dragon Ball and an episode of Bleach. Otaku??? Ranting buddy??? Someone the theorize and binge with?? YES. Dude have you ever shit talked your least favorite character and everyone hyped you up becuase they ALSO hate that character???? THAT SHIT CATHARTIC!! AnD THAT HALLOWEEN GETUP???? HONEY DO YOU WANT TO COSPLAY WITH ME PLEASE I JUST WANT TO WEAR MECH ARMOR---

Idia is Hella nuerodivergent coded and it makes me salivate because like!!! He knows TM. Existing around other people with fucked up brains is so weirdly cool becuase alot of the time you can just tune in to the other on a subconscious level like Bluetooth connection. PARALLEL PLAY WOULD BE FUCKING AMAZING WITH IDIA BC HE WOULD JUST PLAY GAMES AND YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!!! Also the infodumping. INFODUMPING BELOVED. I personally, would love to hear him go off about tech shit that I would not understand becuase just the feel of the passion is intoxicating!! (This feeling extends to Jade leech btw) FREE DOCUMENTARY!!!

Another thing I also appreciate is the Sass that they stole from Hades, Idia is a sassy little bitch and it is WONDERFUL. He is a petty little shit. A horrible stinky gremlin man. I love the slang, the puns, the utter bullshit. He intrigues me and I wish to study him!!!!! He would send me a blurry picture of bread with the caption "me living that crumb life " at 2:47 am and I would lose my shit BECUASE YES. CRUMB LIFE!!! YOU ARE LIVING IT!!!! He's also genuinely smart and I like smart characters. Idia is a little shit, but he's also smart. I 100% believe in the "you can think your way out of anything if you just get creative enough" way of looking at things. IMPROVISE ADAPT OVERCOME!!! I appreciate the technological skills and alternative thinking patterns! (camp Vargas where he motivated himself to pick up sticks by comparing it to something he liked? Boom. Creative thinking beats out executive dysfunction!!!)

It's a type of friendship and weird bullshit I couldn't see myself doing with a lot of other twst characters ? There potential for a deep emotional understanding and connection that is just really alluring for my mind ig

Just 2 fucked up ppl trying to exist, but at least it's easier together sort of thing? Also idia would probably let me kill someone.

okay WOW you and edie sent me so much about this man and i like just woke up so now im reading this with a hazy sleep brain LMAO AKSJDHHSFGJDHSGDFH

but you know its very interesting to see how things that bother me SO MUCH are things that make other people laugh. they make other people like him. THE THINGS I DONT LIKE ARE ENDEARING TO YOU PEOPLE!!!!! its all about perspective!

idia is really fucking smart like i may not like him but i can acknowledge his good parts. he cares about his brother hes smart and uhhhh ummmm uhhhhhhhhhh ANYWAY. im just teasaing SDJJSDDJ but thats why i love when i get these long winded messages about characters i dont like because if i can change my mind about rook and vil i can change my mind about idia

all it takes is people who loves him!!

[50cal-fullauto-astarion]

Hey Rags! Sorry, I just need to get this out of my system and ramble for a moment in your ask box. I just reread 'hot in Sarajevo' and I just have to tell you, how much I love the characterization of the woman in your fics. In the cod community, so many times the reader is described as cute, some sweet giggling angelic ray of sunshine (and don't get me started on all the size kink stuff...) and I can see the appeal of pairing these rough military dudes with their polar opposite, but... bro I really can't relate. ^^ I'm not cute. I'm not weak and fragile. I'm fucking 1,83m tall with a more serious bitch vibe and I'd rather die before you'll see me wearing something pink or cutesy. That's why I love Rivka so much for example! She's tough, she doesn't take anyones bullshit, but she's genuinely caring and she's a steady presence for König to rely on and hold onto when things are shitty. I can see myself so much more in her. I love to care for and pamper my man, be there for him in any situation, but I'm not your adorable little housewife...

And I hope you or anyone else won't take this as some kind of 'I'm not like the other girls' bullshit. All power to the cute and dainty ladies out there! But I just wanted to say, that I love the way you give the boys a tough and confident, but deeply caring partner in crime.

i'm so sorry for taking so long to answer this, but i've legitimately been gently holding it to my chest for the last couple of days reading and re-reading it with the BIGGEST fucking grin on my face. <3 <3

i promise, it doesn't at ALL come off as 'i'm not like other girls,' at least not to ME, bc i'm in the exact same boat, and i can't tell you how incandescent it makes me to hear that you feel a connection with rivka (who we all know is the reader i put in all of my konig fics lmao). and she, and all of my other oc's, are purposefully built they way they are bc i almost never see me when i'm reading, esp in this fandom.

like, i'm 5'7, i've got broad shoulders and hard features and big hands. i'm not small and dainty, i'm never going to be small and dainty, my bones simply won't allow it--too many generations of big men and hardy women and starvation-survival and lifetimes of working with hands went into my blood for me to be anything else. and my personality is anything but ingenue, i'm coarse and i'm loud and i can be outright cold or cruel when warranted.

i go into everything i write trying to satisfy my need to see what are considered 'unpleasant' main characters with their 'ugly' bits on full display, and the wish fulfillment of having these canon characters i love finding these sorts of physical and mental aspects not only acceptable, but borderline divine. and i am so so SO over the moon to hear that it hit those notes for you too, nonny!!! if nothing else, at the end of the day, i am writing for an audience of US, and i am so proud and pleased to do it if i accomplished my mission and it brings you the joy it brings me (((': <3 <;3 <3

[ranger-kellyn]

def not pacing this rewatch like i did with atla since i just finished the first season lol

i ended up remembering just about all of the episodes as they happened. not sure why i was so convinced i had missed some?? i'm guessing it's because korra is a lot more fast-paced than atla was since the season is ~8 eps shorter than atla's season 1.

overall, i am enjoying myself. i'm excited to keep watching, and it's been fun getting to think about all the extended universe stuff and how it all weaves into korra's story.

any complaint i have about korra i know mostly goes back to how yanked around during production they were. at least, that's what i was always told?? tbh, it's been so long, i don't know if i ever read like. official. sources dkfjhk that might just have been tumblr posts claiming korra was getting unfair production treatment, getting told something like halfway through that they needed to wrap things up bc they weren't getting a second season?? but with no sort of citation. it's not like that's too hard for me to believe given my specific grips with the storyline all stem from how rushed everything feels. (and at this point, the show is already over and done with it's not deep enough for me to care about doing any actual digging about what did or didn't happen behind the scenes)

even as open of a mind as i went into this with, i still don't think korra/mako was built up like....at all???? like i guess that brief moment of them leaning against each other under the tree was??? it?????? but in all fairness, i now firmly disagree with my younger self that bolin was "better" for korra. i think bolin has just as much growing up to do as mako. to me, his feelings could best be described as puppy love. yes, he's a sweetheart. yes, he's my angel. yes he's my babyboy, and i love him more than anything-- but he's Just A Boy.

idk, all i know is i was going along fine with it all right up to episode 5, the spirit of competition, that started with the little recap that was like "love is in the air!" up until that moment, i didn't really??? think any of the romance was all that believable? i feel like that recap did a lot of heavy lifting there, bc all of a sudden the love triangle bullshit was just. full throttle, in your face.

and when i say the love triangle stuff just bogs this down....like there is such limited time in this show to get things done and we're really doing this... flkdjglnkj

really, i just feel bad for asami lmao she didn't do a fucking thing wrong. that whole situation sucked for her.

other primary complaint is that the whole amon storyline just. doesn't feel satisfying. that ending was absolutely rushed, and killing him off they way they did was convenient, and nothing more.

the final conflict between him and korra isn't satisfying. having her hiding from him under a table just and then in a hallway??? that's the setting they went with? and i understand waiting for her airbending at that critical moment, but it wasn't satisfying. nothing about that moment connected me at all with the nature of airbending, and i just...idk just saying amon was using some perverse version of bloodbending to take away bending??? like. i guess that's an answer????

and honestly??? again, this is probably just a "we ran out of time" thing, but by the end of things??? i wouldn't say the benders have done literally anything about what lead up to amon gaining such a serious following. that kind of resentment doesn't build up overnight, and if we take the comics into consideration, that's been building in that area for decades.

i also don't think amon's motivations are...clear?? like, at best we get a guess from tarlok of something like "he thinks bending is the source of all evil in the world" bc their father was a blood thirsty bloodbender???? (a guy whose motivations are even less clear??? like yeah i guess some people just want to watch the world burn but like. ok...*john oliver voice* cool.)

idk i just don't think the benders did anything to help with the "non-benders are feeling threatened/oppressed by benders" they built up.

ANYWAY.

main stand outs are:

the air kids - forgot how funny these goobers are, and it's going to be a lot of fun watching them grow up over the seasons.

mako - walked away from this, like i had hoped, liking him more than i did in the past. he's just an older brother, your honor. he's doing his best. his best isn't great, but neither is mine most of the time, and i don't even have the excuse that my parents were killed in front of me as a child.

asami - girl literally did nothing wrong and honestly i don't even know why she sticks around team avatar. by all accounts, she has every right to hate these goobers just as much as anyone else dvhldkfj. babe, they do not deserve you dlakfhl i think she would be a fun character study to try to write from her perspective of the season. like. she had her whole world kind of turned upside down. again. clearly she never expected her father to harbor such extremist attitudes. (smh hiroshi dont u know u have to indoctrinate ur kids early?? before they can think and form opinions for themselves????)

regardless of anything, like i said, i'm having a good time. i do find it fun to be able to ask, "why didn't this work?" and i'm looking forward to continuing on. a quick scroll of the images for the next season reminds me that, once more, A Lot happens in this season dslksfjn

[terraliensvent]

Kuku again (probably my last response) sorry i don’t know how to link still 💔

I 100% agree, ignorance is a big issue in general, not just with these specific topics. it’s a problem that expands way farther, and being more aware of it helps us to actively better ourselves. I am definitely not perfect but that doesn’t excuse myself from the mistakes i make, it only pushes me to be better which i definitely will hold onto.

I appreciate your maturity post, puts a real No-Bullshit perspective and i fucking LOVE it. Lines can get really blurred and with the online presence it’s just entirely different. We didn’t grow up next to these people, we probably don’t even know what half of these guys look like lmao.

Just because you turn 18 doesn’t mean ur BOOM BAM!!! AN ADULT!! , half of the adults i’ve met on discord don’t even act like one. It can be really dangerous with this type of stuff, more people need to understand that a part of growing up is maturing, not just your age going up a number.

I love your opinions, views, and etc on things. You are such a real person, hope i can meet you sometime and say hi if you ever decide to show yourself. 🫶 And most importantly thank you for being honest with everything you do

post related

yeah, especially when it comes to the maturity aspect i think a lot of people in terras just dont consider the full ramifications of the things they put out there, and that can be said for a lot of the issues in the species.

and a lot of these people have been online since they were super young; being in the internet environment so often and from such a young age can cause you to again blur the lines of connection and cause them to think they can interact with large servers the same way they interact with irl friends, when its actually a drastically different environment and dynamic

the art community and furry fandom especially has an issue with the “18 year olds are automatically adults” thing, just look how many of them will start making NSFW and posting things like “all minors dni yall are annoying as fuck” when they havent even been 18 for a month.

and i really appreciate the kindness, i am just some random person but i try to be as thoughtful as i can with certain things like this. art, cs, and furry spaces are full of really fake people wearing toxic positivity masks, and i just hate having to put up a front like that so if theres one thing im gonna do on here its be real and upfront about my thoughts and opinions

thanks to all u anons who like listening to me :)

[insufferable-homestuck]

So very tempted by the thought of being classpected by someone else. Personally, I've pegged myself as a Maid of Heart. I hope youre still accepting little clsspecting requests dhskbshs

I think one of my favorite things ever is creating something that people can really connect with- whether it be myself (or, my system, i suppose) or my friends.

I do a lot of art, a lot of writing. I'm very passionate about it! But in all fairness, it tends to loop back around to doing it for my buds. Most of my art is like, character references.

I also, do a lot of RP, which is what the character references are for, typically. A lot of my characters are just, like, fractals of myself. I realize that like, that might have things to do with being a system but oh well! All of my characters are parts of me. I know ppl put themselves into their characters, but this is different, I feel. But they aren't all like, self inserts, either. Its weird.

I am a trans man, if that means anything. For a very long time, I struggled with Identity and allowed the people around me to tell me who I am and what I'm allowed to like and interact with, all because I wanted their approval or affection. Since transitioning (i guess???) I feel so much better, obviously

What else is important about me fuck im trying to think

As mentioned previously, I'm a system. At least, I'm pretty damn sure. I've known for a couple of months now, Im not far along in the process of communicating well with the others. I've only had like, a couple of experiences that are like, ya know, clearly with system members.

I have, a lot of interests. And I'm very into them. It might be other people in my system having their own interests, but they are also MY interests, too. They're just more crazy about them than me.

I'm bad at communicating at times with people about my needs. I feel needy, emotionally, and I feel guilty about it

I feel like, I am stubborn. I have a hard time recognizing that there's a problem until it becomes unbearable or until someone has to smack sense into me.

I love horror stuff, especially the more psychological horror. I do like a bit o the gorey stuff. Shits classic. But im on that thought provoking shit. Im out here pondering what does it mean to be human and shit. It goes crazy

I have a hard time starting like, shows and games. I'll binge and then forget about it, and then I'll get intimidated by not remembering exactly where i left off and just never finish whatever it was.

This is so hard lmao i cant remember anything else go nuts

hey you heart obsessed fuck

everyone who has messaged me about this has described themselves as forgiving, creative, shy and stubborn but I can't keep spinning around the same aspects right. that's what Homestuck quizzes do and im better than that

so, i assign you the Heir of Blood, you care about your friends and relationships in your life, you have strong *bonds* with various characters, its also pretty funny you like horror movies, "gorey" movies. blood. you get it

not to shit on you specifically (( very much doing that. you talk like a dirk fan. )) but don't tell me your fucking classpect if you want me to assign you one, what are you HERE for? i don't care THAT much any attention is good attention etc but my PREFERRED audience is people who have no classpect or don't know anything about them so I can spit my bullshit and they believe me. You can have a classpect if you so please, just keep it secret in your ask and only tell me what it is if I'm right or close

I had another guess which was Thief of Heart but that'd sound so insulting to say to a system lmao, or extremely comical, you decide

[svftpup]

Hey! I wanna know if it’s safe to follow you, so are you proship?

i’ve been staring at this ask for a while now. first of all, i don’t like calling myself “pro-ship” or “anti” because i’d like to avoid that bullshit drama. But i will say I am completely anti-censorship and anti-harassment. I just don’t understand whats so hard about blocking someone you don’t like lmao?? anyways, i’m going to make some things clear:

- I do not care what someone does with a fictional character. They are fictional. They’re not real. If you are someone who thinks its ok to harass someone over fiction, I don’t want you following me. Of course i still have boundaries, but I block anyone who makes me uncomfortable.

- If you EVER wrongfully call someone a pedophile, get the fuck out. That shit pisses me off and you need to get your priorities straight.

- I don’t think someone’s taste in fiction reflects their morals or tastes regarding real people.

- I separate fiction from reality. I don’t believe its healthy to connect them.

I’m very tired rn, but hopefully i make sense.

TL/DR: don’t be a fuckin asshat and learn to block people you dislike or that post content that makes you uncomfortable. fictional characters absolutely do not matter more than real people and real victims.

also the way you said “safe to follow you�� … what does that mean, exactly…?

[mythvoiced]

-. About Eren's connections and whom I personally believed Eren had felt the closest to and whom he might have grown closest to in the healthiest way given the opportunity to do so aka none of the fking story happening lmao. PART 1 because there are loadsa characters and I love doing this, I LOVE LOVE LOVE--

This is NOT SHIPPING RELATED, I don't have anything against shipping (within legal and moral frames), but this post just isn't about that.

Reiner - That Eren idolised Reiner to some small extent is basically confirmed via his reaction to the Reveal, Reiner was a cool not-older-but-older-seeming kid whom Eren looked up to; his brotherly, protective demeanour and the absolute Himbo-ness of his attitude captivated Eren in a way, made him feel (and sometimes even act) like that fricking Spider-man meme. Large puppy dog eyes, 'this guy is so cool!', getting his heart broken by that Reveal absolutely annihilated my heart. That was his guy, his bro, the target of his starry-eyed gaze, dammit Reiner. (I said not shipping related, but I do sometimes like to believe Eren had a crush on this silly-ass goon)

Jean - Do not even look at me, if you've heard me go off about AoT before, chances are you know Jean is my favourite character and ALSO I believe him to be the... best character, as well, morally speaking. He's definitely the most genuine and humane, let me tell you that. But that's besides the point, one thing I am convinced of is that had Eren been given the opportunity to befriend Jean beyond the friendship we see on screen, if we'd gotten to have these two close enough that Eren would confide in Jean, none of the bullshit later down the line would have happened. Jean has the personality type that would get Eren to Stop™. He's honest, he's genuine, he's kind, he's highly intelligent, he cares So Much (I LOVE JEAN), and he's not going to treat you softly when you need some cold hard facts thrown your way. Jean & Eren could have been a fucking Tag Team, dammit. None would have done it like them. If you're seeing this in the tags, @g1gant is a phenomenal fucking Jean I violently recommend Nassy's portrayal, I'm kissing it.

Armin - Armin is Eren's canonical best friend, but part of me believes this friendship was initially born out of a subconscious desire to protect the other. In a way, I do believe these two are that Onion Headline of 'Best Friends Secretly Think Of The Other as Sidekick'. Eren & Armin both seem to believe the other needs them to get through life, which only implies a very firm perception they have of each other that doesn't allow for a lot of deviating from it. They're close, and Armin has a pretty solid understanding of some aspects of Eren's psyche, but I wouldn't say they know each other very deeply. I'd even go as far as saying Armin has a rational understanding of Eren, but his impression of him rules over any new realisations he might have been able to make. He assesses Eren the way he assesses most things.

Mikasa - I might get hate if I write anything here lmao (but I will if prompted, I love starting Mikasa-related shit)

Levi - Levi Ackerman's role in Eren's life is a fucking rabbit hole of fandom nonsense I will not allow myself to perish in, so I'll be quick: Levi is one of the many adults who judge Eren according to his purpose, his usefulness, and/or his threat level to the cause, and he's an ass to him, but he's one of the few adults who, once he's done assessing him, actually remembers he's talking to a kid, and for that he gets bonus points. Eren idolised him and meeting his idol and getting a reality check that deeply fucks with his parasocial relationship to him was good for his mental health, and I do believe adult Eren and Levi would have been good work partners, but... you know. Yeah, I think he's the best adult in Eren's life. But looking at the facts, it's like calling him the tallest dwarf, you know what I mean? Yeah. The adults in AoT suck ass oh god.

And that's all I got for now, I stopped everything I was doing because I couldn't stop thinking about this. Now I gotta go back to... doing things.

[ungirthed]

i guess i have a lot of thoughts wow. i could bombard friends with this but i'm trying to stay off twitter unless i need information on the world immediately not hrs later so i am talking to myself. journaling or blogging for you is so weird who tf are u supposed to address. i never get it right in my physical diary lmao.

what i loved the most about atla was the characters. i think this is true for a lot of media (i think i hate this word lol)...art? idk. but not always! what makes people stay for something subpar is characters i think but...

for me, besides harry potter the character, the world of HP is much much much more interesting and thought out than the characters. i wasn't as into HP as most people—and thank fucking god now. fuck that cunt—but i still loved the series at the time. however, looking back at the fic i read when i'm bored: it's much more the atmosphere created, my age at the time, and the luck jkr had with the films since young millenials grew up with that. we sensed and felt that world as the books were coming out and seeing kids who were our age or a little older to represent that. the politic of the world suffers some of the same things that atla does tho.

anyway for characterization, i think the female characters in atla, and the shackles that are less oppressing when it comes to gender and sexuality, lend to it. this is the beauty of drawing from something not set in western conceptions and legacies that bog these categories down. these are some of the best female characters i have seen for kids particularly with relationships that aren't defined by men (which is why the live action is insulting lol). at least in the way where these women, when tied to men, are trying to remove those shackles and prove themselves.

but i can't laud any bullshit conception of pre western colonialism. the much less controlling, paternal, religious way of monitoring gender. the "morality or culture police" aka dai li are this function. the idea of laws steeped in "what is right" "what one must do". that is not exclusively western. conceptions of personhood emerge for ordering. man/woman may not existed but there was passive (vagina) and active (penis) then dredges (poor, "sexual deviants" on a skewed gender pattern who are poor).

obviously the oppression via gender was present, because it has to be, because the ordering of the world....imperialism is the contradiction. race-class (non un-tangleable but we can't call this [racial] capitalism bc they didn't live in capitalism but still trash. feudalism, slavery, etc). colonialism doesn't magically just appear and terrorize. it preys off of existing ills and wants. so the systems are there—the books writing about the freedoms one supposedly had and the differences one supposedly had before we were conquered is too easy.

still, i think having its own jumping point for gender and subsequently sexuality (non specific as to what that jumping point is) facilitates knowing women qua women. kiyoshi is so fucking cool and i wish i had more with her. i may read the books because i love everything about what she stood for even though she's deeply misunderstood which is why i think i love mai. excited to think about that more.

and even if you don't necessarily connect with these women—i struggled with azula because i think writing her was too easy because of the problems i'm going to think about more and i definitely struggled with katara but that is written in and because i identify with her and admire her immensely—

tangent: the bravery of these kids is insane. watching it i was like they are so fearless, so brave, so understanding of discipline and sacrifice. so human. i want to harness that. in their world death is hard, it is awful, it is sould-wrenching, but they know the meaning of life. in their world fighting, arrests, imprisonment are prices they pay for fighting. it is normal and the reason is because they know this is struggle and the more normalized struggle becomes, the more they can rely on each other, the less scared they are. they are comfortable with danger (and mischief heh) and that is so fucking important and valuable. also their attempts at self-governing and anarchic-communal living and ways of interacting. but anywho..

the fire nation girlies rship is very true to how women will interact esp from that environment. it's expected of them to have this clash and it's insulting when people believe those clashes are over boys and men. they can be but they aren't. only time that was defined was when meng called katara a floozy which i actually disliked. it was fine in terms of funny haha if i was 11 (which i was at the time lmao) but even back then i'd be like wtf. to be fair i was very very very willful over being a girl growing up because uhhhh patriarchy. that's not to say women or anyone else are off the hook. never lol. and we are allowed to be annoying.

another thing is they don't want these girls to be "just as" like men. their conceptions are shallow bc the world has told us that's what feminism is but it doesn't suffer from as much bullshit bc of their attempts at self-governing and fashioning. of resistance via respect, support, camraderie, disagreement, tension, and love. azula shows what happens when you try that bullshit.

From Ursula K. Leguin's (anarchist queehn) 1983 Mills College commencement speech:

I know there are men graduating, and I don’t mean to exclude them, far from it. There is a Greek tragedy where the Greek says to the foreigner, “If you don’t understand Greek, please signify by nodding.” Anyhow, commencements are usually operated under the unspoken agreement that everybody graduating is either male or ought to be. That’s why we are all wearing these twelfth-century dresses that look so great on men and make women look either like a mushroom or a pregnant stork. Intellectual tradition is male. Public speaking is done in the public tongue, the national or tribal language; and the language of our tribe is the men’s language. Of course women learn it. We’re not dumb. If you can tell Margaret Thatcher from Ronald Reagan, or Indira Gandhi from General Somoza, by anything they say, tell me how. This is a man’s world, so it talks a man’s language. The words are all words of power. You’ve come a long way, baby, but no way is long enough. You can’t even get there by selling yourself out: because there is theirs, not yours. [...] The war-games world wasn’t made by us or for us*; we can’t even breathe the air there without masks. And if you put the mask on you’ll have a hard time getting it off. So how about going on doing things our own way, as to some extent you did here at Mills? Not for men and the male power hierarchy — that’s their game. Not against men, either — that’s still playing by their rules. But with any men who are with us: that’s our game. Why should a free woman with a college education either fight Machoman or serve him? Why should she live her life on his terms? I hope you live without the need to dominate, and without the need to be dominated. I hope you are never victims, but I hope you have no power over other people. And when you fail, and are defeated, and in pain, and in the dark, then I hope you will remember that darkness is your country, where you live, where no wars are fought and no wars are won, but where the future is. Our roots are in the dark; the earth is our country. Why did we look up for blessing — instead of around, and down? What hope we have lies there. Not in the sky full of orbiting spy-eyes and weaponry, but in the earth we have looked down upon. Not from above, but from below. Not in the light that blinds, but in the dark that nourishes, where human beings grow human souls.

this whole speech is amazing. she's wrong on the "it wasn't made for us" because it was but that's a complex thing and she's white so. also one of my fav lines from zuko is when he tells aang he will fail. it was helpful even if the characters didn't think so. it was helpful, extremely so, and even to me at 32. the idea of failure kills me. my favorite quote on that intensity is "the only penalty for failure is death". zuko knows failure. he's a failson lol and we will always know it. but that is ok. failure is a part of life. it isn't' to be despaired. try it again. and again. and again. this is building a life. fix it. there's a quote from the show about the solution being fixing the problem. how do we fix it?

and i don't think the show could answer that completely without linking it to some otherworldly ideas of life and outsized evil. the problem with bridging real life history in media is that we-the-viewer live in the real world.

the lack of specificity of the world of atla was simply confusing. i don't know what the nations entail nor do i understand the idea of it being the world. they had to speak english obviously but i wish they had found something similar that they do with anime in establishing that there is a lingua franca—not bc of colonialism cos it would be impossible without acknowledging languages themselves and this nebulous asian world wouldn't have had that—but that there are indeed differences and limitations or what it means culturally. i think they mentioned language but not often.

for the world they made: the fire nation could be chinese or japanese (i understand they use chinese in the atla universe and i'm assuming that's bc it is the linguistic root for krn and jpns?) and if japanese it would make sense to enforce that via language. i could be getting my history wrong as i am but a humble negro with some knowledge of this wrt culture, resistance and anti-colonialism but i hope i'm in the ballpark...regardless all the resistances are the same in a good way

[dracoandthehounds]

Fanfic writer questions - L M X Y (I loveee your writing)

omg thank you so much!!! <3 I'm so glad you're enjoying :))) answers below ~~~

L - Which of your fanfics was the most emotionally challenging to write? oooh okay so this is a good question. i feel like... emotionally challenging could mean two things. like if it's which of your fanfics was the most challenging to write/draining--- then it's definitely the main one lmao just bc it's so long and i have so much planned out for it that I have to keep in my head. But!! regarding which of the fanfics I've written that was the most like... connected to me emotionally/required more actively delving into my emotions/feelings... then it would definitely be this chapter of another fic of mine: lovers in a past life - ch. 4 (dec. 2019) so, i wrote that after 2020 ended... which for more reasons than one was like one of the hardest years of my life (as I'm sure it was for many people). Besides the Pandemic... I was in this horrible dead-end job (which I went into every day, btw... and i was not an essential worker lol. they just sucked so badly... it was at a law firm, and to counter the pandemic, they shoved us all into our own closed off offices. so my life became like only my job (which i spent in a stuffy office, alone, all day) and then back home. and like a bunch of other personal stuff & shitty things from that job put me at one of the lowest points I've ever been. So i wrote that fic after I got hired at a new job as a sort of retrospective for how stuck i felt in my life. In that way, it was definitely the hardest emotionally bc I was writing through a lot of the bullshit I'd just gone through and honestly, i don't think i realized how much i was writing my own sort of story until i looked back and reread it years later... and it was like lmao i was *not* writing something fictional here, i was basically projecting my autobiography onto this character. so, i guess that's probably the most emotionally difficult story i had to write, bc I think i unintentionally used it as a way to process a lot of the pain I'd felt during 2020

M - What’s the weirdest AU scenario you’ve ever come up with?  Did it turn into a story? i gotta be honest.... i'm coming up with au shit for these characters all the time lmao. like i am constantly rotating them... they are on a constant loop hahaha. I'd say the weirdest one is probably the one I wrote... The Pan-Dimensional Frisbee. And all of the universes they visited within it. A frisbee that sends the characters through the multiverse but the multiverse is just deadset on making Harry & Draco kiss. (omg wait was the frisbee a metaphor for my brain? probably) (fun fact... the office universe was playing off of another fic idea I had back in 2019 for the other fandom I write for lmao... so those ideas never go away. they just recycle on a constant loop)

X - How would you categorize your fanfic reading?  Are you a voracious reader?  Do you carefully pick and choose?  Something in between? oooh ok. this is like a complicated answer. when I'm not currently writing one main fic.... I read a *lot*. like that's when I'll delve into long fics and get really invested. but when I'm writing a fic.... I get bad at reading other fic :( mostly it's bc I'm trying to make sure I'm keeping the ideas coherent in my brain & not like comparing myself to other stories. So if I'm writing for one fandom, I'm usually reading for other fandoms. I'm definitely a little picky when it comes to long fics. Mostly bc I have a horrible attention span so if it doesn't capture me, I just won't go back to it. I can gobble up 10k word fics though nonstop, so I'm less discerning with those.

Y - What are your thoughts on your personal satisfaction with something you’ve written vs. the popularity of your stories?  Do you tend to be most satisfied with your most popular stories?  Hehe I feel like the answer I have for this one is the answer that every fanfic writer has... like the stories I've put the most time and effort into are definitely *not* my most popular stories. Which makes sense, due to the general content of the stories. Like the shorter ones that are explicit are always going to be more popular than the long fics that introduce OCs, so it was something I expected going in. I'd say that like... my personal satisfaction in a story is hard to clearly identify. The amount I've written so far for Draco and the Hounds, for example, brings me a lot of personal satisfaction lmao. I am very pleased with myself for having this idea and running with it. And some of the stuff I've written for the other fandom is like definitely far less popular than the Drarry stuff bc the other fandom is so much smaller and has also died due to lack of new content whereas the Harry Potter fandom never really dies? lol. But I still believe that some of the like ~prettiest~ writing I've done is in that other fandom, mostly bc those characters and their story is a lot more poetic and personal to me than Draco and Harry? (which doesn't mean they mean more, btw!!!! I just have a very different relationship with that series than I do with the HP stuff, which results in the work I did for that fandom being a lot more emotionally based, but the plot stuff for that fandom has like... *nothing* on the plot planning I've done for Draco x Harry lol. and there's definitely a lot less like humor/banter, bc that's less of the focus of that series)

Again, thank you so much for sending this in!!! I hope my answers were interesting <3

@nilash55

[elliebear666]

Dear diary...

Welp...

I made a mess of things. Again. Teehee?

Um. People think I'm crazy (I might be). And my reputation, which was already besmirched, has been further muddied.

I don't make it easy on myself.

But, ya know what? This entire situation, with the covert abuse? The games? The manipulative bullshit?

It was so painful and difficult. I didn't deserve that. People kept psychologically torturing me lmao and used my reactions as proof that I'm a horrible person.

I mind my own business. I keep to myself. I don't fuck with people. I'm not a manipulator. I'm not a predator, going around preying on people for what I want.

I thought, maybe I had a chance to live the High-school experience I didn't get. My first boyfriend... my first love. And people expect me to just "be 31" because I am lol but um... I'm also not? Like, mentally, I'm a kid. 7-16 lmao 🤣 on any given day.

My bad behavior was on me. Reactive or not? Identity alteration or not? I was shitty. And I can't take it back and I don't expect people to just welcome me back with open arms.

I fucked.

But.......

I was pushed, poked, and prodded. For no real reason. Over mistakes I made ages ago that I'm actively working on.

Why abuse me covertly? I'm trying to grow and heal and you abused me.

Am I supposed to just LET THEM treat me badly and turn the other cheek?

Fuck that, and fuck them.

I'm sorry to the guy I kinda fell for, developed a favorite person connection with. I know subconsciously I'm trying to have that teen romance I never got. I don't think it's wrong to ask a partner to help me have that.

Why would that be wrong?

The right partner would have a blast helping me explore myself and do the High-school boyfriend and girlfriend junk. Beach. Movies. Cuddles. Hickies. All that stuff.

It isn't wrong to want that.

People can attack me and ridicule me and label me whatever they want. But I'm not a bad person for crushing on someone I didn't know was 18. Okay?

It happens. How was I supposed to know? Should I have asked? Sure. I don't know how to talk to people, ya'll. I'm trying but it isn't easy.

Like... I was losing my mind. Were people trying to help me? Idk. Maybe.

But it didn't feel like that. And I'm allowed to feel what I feel.

So... to this guy? I AM sorry. And I do care... I'm just messed up. You're young, you don't need some weirdo like me to ruin your life. Unintentionally or not. I'm sorry if what I said hurt you. You didn't deserve that at all. My mental issues are my responsibility. I can't control all of it yet, but I am trying.

I don't expect forgiveness or friendship.

So, that's why I'm not going back. That and ya'll fucking with me was incredibly painful. You essentially tortured me. You're the bad guys in this situation. But I'm no better in that I reacted abusively.

So. Fuck you, I guess.

You're still cute af and super cool. Just don't be a follower with these douche bags. You'll end up on their bad sides if you don't kowtow and I think you deserve better.

It isn't too late to stop listening to assholes.

So... goodbye.

[cathymeep]

2/3/23

i’m feeling emotional right now and i’m not quite sure why. i think it’s a mix of happy and sad tears. i just feel so proud of myself for stopping behaviors that make me feel like shit or drain me. i really hit a scary point in my depression last month and i honestly haven’t felt that low or scared in YEARS. it reminded me of when my depression was really bad when i was 15-16. what’s in the past is in the past, but i don’t want to feel like that again. if i can do something to actively avoid it, then i will. i’m really proud of myself for doing that. fuck alcohol. the weed sobriety has been sticking with me too. i feel surprised but at the same time, i don’t. i don’t give myself enough credit for the things i can do when i set my mind to them. i wanted to quit weed, wanted to quit being so damn dependent on it, and i did just that and i’m still doing it. one of my goals for this year is to stop being so afraid of using my voice and advocating for myself more. i can be really vocal and powerful with my voice, yet at the same time, i can be weak and scared to use it. i just still have that stupid ass mentality of “don’t say anything to offend others” bullshit mentality my mom instilled in me when i was younger so now i hate confrontation and i’m always trying to please others. i’m a huge people pleaser and it can be draining. i just feel like little cathy whenever those feelings arise and it makes me feel helpless sometimes. i’m hoping to see amy sometime soon to catch up. i love jarid and he’s been a solid support system in my life for years now, but i miss having a female perspective in my life. i really miss amy sometimes. i am still trying to put myself out there with the dating world, but online dating fucking sucks lmao. it’s so artificial, so in-genuine. it truly feels like a waste of time sometimes because more than half the people on there just want to hook up and i don’t want that anymore. i don’t want to keep settling for people who don’t value me as a person and just use me for momentary pleasure. i value myself a lot more than that now, but i have my moments of weakness and i settle. i know i’m only human and shit happens, but i deserve more than just a shitty one night stand. i really want a partner to share time with and connect. maybe i need to stop trying to hard and just let the universe help me. i need to let things flow. i miss journaling, but there’s nothing like journaling on paper. my wrists are just so fucked that i can’t write for very long without pain. oh well hehe i feel better though

[fandomfluffandfuck]

K, I love your answers! (The name one is so intriguing. I love names with backstories.)

I'm jumping in because I, too, am nosy about mutuals and love to see what people are like 👀

1) Are you named after anyone?

Nope!

Although my initials have been forever ruined (memed?) for me because in high school someone pointed out that they're one letter away from the word "slut" (I'm just missing the "u," same order, "slt") Jokes on that person who was trying to make fun of me, though, I am a huge slut 💀💀 so it's perfectly fitting! Wouldn't my parents be proud.

2) When was the last time you cried?

Fun fact, I'm actually trying to get better at crying.

I one million percent grew up with the "boys don't cry" bullshit. So... it's been actual years. And the last time I did cry, it was out of frustration. So I feel like that doesn't even count, lmao.

3) Do you have kids?

I do not.

At this point in life, I don't want kids. I get that it can change, especially because I'm young, but... probably not. Children/fatherhood hasn't ever appealed to me 🤷🏻‍♂️

4) Do you use sacrasm a lot?

Usually not, I use it more in writing than in spoken words in real life.

5) What sport do you play/have you played?

I did track for a brief moment in time--sprints, relay, and hurdles--but I never truly got into it. Just not my thing 🤷🏻‍♂️ I'd rather sit inside and draw or whatever.

6) What's the first thing you notice about people?

T a t t o o s

If you have tattoos, in the most uncreepy way possible, I immediately have seen them and have said "hell yeah" to myself in my head about them. For as long as I can remember, ink has always been the first thing I notice about anyone (if it's visible, obviously). I just... I love tattoos. I wanted to be a tattoo artist for a long time.

7) What's your eye color?

Dark green

8) Scary movies or happy endings?

Scary movies! The more nightmares they give me, the better, lmao.

9) Any special talents?

Define special? I feel like anything I'm good at, I do. Art, y'know? I draw, I write, I sculpt (with clay), etc.

Although, I don't feel like any of those are talents. I've built skills for them over years and years and years. But that's not the discussion we're having now, lol.

10) Where were you born?

Oregon, USA

I feel like I have very ✨️PNW✨️ vibes, or at least, so I've been told.

11) What are your hobbies?

See question 9, lol.

Art: drawing, writing, and sculpting. I used to be way more into photography and photoshop, but I've fallen out of it over the years. I also used to read way more, and I still read fanfiction, but I'm more often writing. There's only so much processing of letters that this dyslexic brain can do, okay?

12) Do you have any pets?

Right now, I just have family pets. My life isn't steady enough for my own. A dog, a cat, and some chickens, ducks, plus rabbits all live with my parents.

13) How tall are you?

5'6"

Feel free to picture pre-serum Steve Rogers, lmao. (Also, I will lord the fact that I, despite being so short, am still taller than my father over his head (literally) until the day he dies, haha.)

14) Favorite subject(s) in school?

Outside of art classes, which were always my favorite for obvious reasons, it truly depended on the school year. I had the privilege of connecting with a lot of wonderful educators, and so it would shift depending on what the teacher was like and what teacher I was connecting with. English was probably my runner-up favorite, though.

15) Dream job?

🤌🏻Drawing🤌🏻

I wanna make art so fucking bad, you don't even understand. It sounds stupid to say that the reason I wake up in the morning is so I can draw, that it's the fire inside me, that it's the passion that is weaved into my skin, holding me together, but it is. I love drawing. I would love if I could just draw what I wanted for the rest of my life and have that be it. Free reign. But, alas, capitalism exists, and so does ai "art" and...... that's a dark path I don't wanna talk about, lol. It'd be nice to draw for a living :')

Tagging:

Anyone who wants to jump in. Please, do. Shout into the void with me!

the sweetest @katiedid-3 tagged me in a 15 Questions for 15 Mutuals and i am the worst at tumblr-ing as of lately but i haven't been tagged in something like this in so long 🥺 so yes! here we go.

1) Are you named after anyone?  I'm named after two people actually, my maternal grandmother and my Dad. Just smushed together two names and that's me.

2) When was the last time you cried?  Not to bring us down immediately...but as of lately it's like every day lol

3) Do you have kids?  I do 🥰 I have my twin beanies

4) Do you use sarcasm a lot? I do, probably way too much for someone with 13-month twins lol. I used it so much when I was a teacher. I hate the rule/advice of not being sarcastic with students. 👎🏻

5) What sports do you play/have you played?  I stopped playing sports in high school because I did JROTC, but I did soccer forever and like @katiedid-3 I did basketball because I am tall (I've been this height since I was in fifth grade) and was pressured into it for literal years.

6) What’s the first thing you notice about people?  I'm very much a vibes person? Maybe it's the Pisces in me (i hate myself for saying that, but it's true...), but it's less about looks and more about "How do I feel in this person's presence?" within the first ten seconds.

7) What’s your eye color?  Brown 💩

8) Scary movies or happy endings?  I do not fuck with scary movies, I'm such a scaredy cat. Happy endings all the way.

9) Any special talents?  🙃 Not really? At least I can't think of anything right now.

10) Where were you born? Also Missouri, USA...👀

11) What are your hobbies?  Right now I barely have time to breathe it feels like, but obviously writing. I read a fuckton too.

12) Do you have any pets?  Mhmm, two cats!

13) How tall are you?  5'8"

14) Favorite subject(s) in school?  I really enjoyed school and all my subjects. I'm the worst at Math, but there was something so satisfying about understanding it that is standing out to me now. I loved English class a lot though.

15) Dream job?  I dream every day of being able to write for a living. 🥺

If you're interested, feel free to fill this out too! I don't feel like calling people out, but I'd love to learn about some mutuals. 💖