#am I afraid to criticise it? of course not!

[hamilando]

ੈ✩‧₊ One Step ੈ✩‧₊

Pairing : Seunghan x Gn! Reader

Genre : Idol au, Angst

Song : Happier than ever ( rock version) by Billie Eilish

TW: Depression, cyber bullying, idol life , suide

A/N : This is a very sensitive fic, I wrote this because all that's happening with Seunghan is absolutely not fair, not only him but other idols also suffer. We need to realise they are also human and it's their first time living too.

･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･ ✩ ･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･ ✩ ･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･

The car horns were blaring, the wind forcing the boy to keep his eyes open. Standing on top of the roof edge, his eyes blurred, with tears or with regret, he could not tell. He may have made mistakes in the past, but he wondered how much he could take before he could give up.

His ideal dream of debuting in an idol group, discovering the wonders of the world while touring and singing his lungs out had been reduced to an hope which was being extinguished by some jealous friends of his on the Internet. Seunghan debuted as a member of RIIZE, a group under the biggest entertainment in South Korea, fame finding them before they could even step out of the basement.

It scared him, how he was not afraid to die, rather afraid of being wrong in front of some users on the internet.

The life he sacrificed everything for, snatched away because he had a few moments of joy, but now he was fighting for the courage to live than kill himself. He felt broken, like that last piece in a puzzle that was not fitting. He was only human, 'it was your fault' ringing inside his head. He brought disgrace to his group, he brought disgrace to his family, all would be gone if he took a step. One step to his freedom, one step to his new life, one step to happiness.

"Does it ever stop hurting?"

Seunghan turned around and saw a person's shadow, but the tears flowing made it difficult to make out who it was.

"Of course it does, once the blood seeps out." His voice quavered.

"Go ahead and leave then, everyone does."

"They hated me in life, maybe they could love in death."

"It's worth giving a try to relive."

"Reliving where I don't have to starve myself to sing, carve my name in trophies to redeem myself."

"You failed in living, what makes you think you will succeed in dying."

"I kept running behind success, let this fall make it run after me."

Seunghan could feel a smile creep on his face, the feel of ending it all making the adrenaline rush in his body, the same adrenaline feeling he got before his first ever debut stage. Oh, but look at irony, a smile starting the movie, an even bigger smile to finish the movie. A movie well criticised by those who could never feel the making of it.

"If all you had to do was run, you should have joined a marathon team."

"At least there I would run towards my goal and not away from it."

The person took a few steps forward, hands in pocket due to the cold wind blowing, Seunghan just staring at the person in front of him.

"Is this you speaking or the adrenaline in you speaking because you are standing on the edge?"

Seunghan scoffed at the question, he was considering taking his life right here and this person was taking it as a joke,

"Of course it's me, I won't be standing here because of a dare."

"Well, then I dare you, come down the edge and say you want to jump off, look me in the eyes and say you want to jump off."

"I can say all that from right here."

"I know you can, but just come down once."

"Once you reach the top, it's difficult to come down"

"Then don't look down, look at me, I am here for you."

"I am glad, but it's a little late to be here for me."

Talking made it all the tougher for Seunghan to clear his mind. With a last glance at the person in front of him, he turned facing the city lights and said with confidence,

"Why would I come down when right now I feel the happiest man on top of the world?"

With that he took the step, deaf to the screams of the person behind him, deaf to the car horns blaring, deaf to the screams of his fans on debut, deaf to affections of his parents, deaf to the laughter of his members,

deaf to the little voice in his brain saying "one more chance was all that was needed."

[sirianasims]

It was Saturday night. We had ordered room service, watched an old cult classic in bed. Paul hadn’t felt like going out. A reporter had cornered him in the airport yesterday and questioned him about his frequent visits to San Myshuno, asked if he was seeing someone.

He’d denied it.

Despite the fame, Paul was an intensely private person, always guarding his personal space against a world that kept demanding more. I respected that, even though I was more used to the opposite. My personal life was part of my online brand, but I’d followed his lead and kept our relationship secret.

Paul’s arms were wrapped around me, his chest firm and reassuring against my back. The rhythmic cadence of his breathing was like a soft lullaby, but I was nowhere close to falling asleep.

“Julia? Is something wrong? Are you still thinking about the reporter?”

“It’s just… all this secrecy.”

“You don’t think I denied seeing anyone because I’m ashamed of you, do you?”

I took a deep breath.

“Seventeen years, Paul. It’s not just the number, it’s the experience. I’m proud of what I do, I really am, but compared to you, drawing and sewing in front of a tiny camera by myself seems… trivial. You have this glamorous life, you know all these famous people, you’ve traveled the world. I haven’t done anything. Sometimes I’m afraid that I might not be, well, sophisticated or interesting enough for you. That I might never be someone you’d want to show off in public.”

“Listen to me, Julia. You are more than enough for anyone. Definitely for me. But if people find out about us, I’m not worried about myself. An older actor dating a younger woman? That’s not a scandal, that’s a cliché. But you… I really don’t want you facing the kind of judgment this would get you.”

“Wait, you’re saying you’re concerned about my reputation?”

“In a way. I don’t care what people say about me any more. I’ve been in this industry long enough to develop a thick skin. But you deserve so much better. And while it isn’t fair, the world is much more likely to judge you, and that’s the last thing I want.”

I cupped his face in my hands.

“Paul, I don’t care. What could they possibly say?”

He looked away, a hint of bitterness in his voice.

“Oh, you have no idea. They’ll say that you callously seduced me to further your own career or that you’re too dumb to be anything more than arm candy. Probably somehow both. They’ll accuse you of being a gold-digger. Men will hate you because they can’t have you, women will hate you because they can’t be you. People will be cruel and unforgiving and pick apart everything you are. They will criticise your work, your looks, the way you walk and talk. And it never ends. The peak of my fame was almost a decade ago, but they’re still following me into airports and asking about my love life.”

I wasn’t sure how to respond. Paul looked at me earnestly.

“Julia, I believe in you. Your work is great, especially your own designs, and I’ve seen a lot of costumes. I want you to be famous for being incredibly talented, not just for being Paul Romeo’s girlfriend.”

I couldn’t help but smile.

“Oh, so I am your girlfriend, then?”

He laughed.

“That’s your takeaway from this conversation? Of course you are, what do you think we’ve been doing for the last few months?”

“Well, what do I know, I’m just the dumb arm candy of Paul Romeo. I should probably be pestering you to buy me a sports car made of diamonds or a platinum ladder so I can social-climb in style.”

Paul chuckled.

“That sounds impractical. And you’re definitely not dumb, but you’re pretty terrible at being a gold-digger. All joking aside, I don’t like keeping you a secret either, but I know the dark side of fame, how toxic it can be. It can really poison a relationship. I’ve seen it happen to friends and colleagues over and over again, and I just want to protect you from that. Protect us.”

I respected Paul for his noble intentions, for looking out for me. Still, a part of me, that stubborn – and probably naive – part, wanted to stand tall and shout it from the rooftops, consequences be damned.

But I also knew that he was right.

Those consequences would hurt me way more than they would hurt him.

beginning / previous / next

[poopscooplala]

(psa this is mostly referring to the movies)

ive seen a few posts that have bothered me. i searched "remadora bad" on google to see what people were saying and it came up eith tumblrs and reddits etc and they were all really weird.

i recently got into the marauders fandom after reading atyd and being a fan of harry potter since i was a child, this fandom made me really happy because of the escapism it provided. many of us have loved hp and then realised its problematic aspects and seen jkr being the worst and no longer can escape with hp.. and marauders fandom is a much more inclusive and feels safe space. i do ship wolfstar and i want to get this straight because one post mentioned wolfstar shippers and it was definitely a weird take.

the post was about how women who ship two men together hate women because if theres a woman in the picture its always a crime against her i guess? they also touched on fetishisation of gay men in a way that seemed to be encapsulating all of these people into that message.

1. not everyone who ships two men hates women. i mean this is absurd 😭 it seemed much more like this poster was more anti fanon, which is odd. anyone who defends jkr instantly puts me off, i understand if someone is confused by not following canon when talking abt media.. but it shouldnt go so far as to licking jkrs ass saying "shes the author she knows best🤓🤓" we know shes the author, thats half the problem. anyway, i understand this point but it didnt work in the context they were using it for (remadora/wolfstar). the marauders fandom has been criticised for misogyny, but the generalisation of shippers all having that belief is just untrue.

2. fetishisation of gay men is most definitely prevelant in shipping spaces but it goes eithout saying that an entire community of people wont all have the same views and opinions. from personal experience, i have always been wary of fetishising gay men and recently realised that my special interests being shipping different gay relationships has been involved in my gender identity. im not really sure of anything yet but i am exploring being actually a man or gener fluid or non binary.. as i said i dont know yet but i have realised that i have always put myself in these ships, wanting to be one of the men in them (of course this hasnt been the sole reason im questioning my gender). generally, i think shipping is very fun and just a great way of exploring romance in your favourite medias that represent you - which is what many people in the marauders fandom express. i do understand this concern though - fetishisation is a real thing and these ships shouldnt be objectified to be apart of that. i just dont think we should automstically assume every shipper is fetishising gay ppl.

nothing ive talked abt has rlly been abt marauders so far but i just wanted to set up some context and rant abt that post tbh.

as ive grown, ive realised how forced remadora was in the movies. i always felt like it came out of nowhere but i was a kid and i didnt care enough to think abt it like i just wanted to see harry running through the grass and shit. anyway, ive watched a few viedos abt the marauders fandom and about jk rowlings problematic writing and i have a few points to make about remadora and tonks' and remus' characters respectively.

in ootp, tonks is introduced as a fun, independent, and rebellious person. they arent afraid to speak out abt their name to someone more experienced in the field (mad-eye) and they have bright purple hair so obviously they r cool and awesome. they are a metamorphagus(?) meaning they can change some parts of how they look. i, and many others, see this as a symbol of trans teens. correcting the feminine "nymphadora" to a more unisex "tonks", the fact they can literally change how they look (perhaps showing their desire to change themselves ehich many trans people relate to), and their overrall childlike attitude. i think rowling makes tonks young and fun to show immaturity, therefore the transcoded character is sort of displayed as an immature teen that doesnt know any better (insert jkrs transphobic tweets here).

THEN in hbp the newly called "dora" is married. not only is tonks feminised by heteronormativity (a big aspect of stereotypical femininity is marriage) but their general appearance and attitude has changed. her hair is now like a light brown, and this natural colour i feel may allude to the natural order of womanhood is to maybe go through a rebellious gender non conformity teenhood, but eventually we all "mature" into our "natural" womanhood.. may be a reach buut?? anyway, their dialogue in this movie is very small - i assume its different in the book, but i feel like either way their dialogue would be similarly all focusing on remus (way to fail the bechdel test) which ironically is more represantative of jkr hating woman soo the ship they r saying is the anti "gay shippers who hate women" is one of the many symbols of misogyny in jkrs books.. i mean idk if i need to say this but a woman isnt defined by being married/with a man and i feel like jkr is trying to present it that way.

jkr seems to have unintentionally presented her transphobic views in the character of tonks. many people related to tonks because of their gender fluidity and hbp disappointed many with this character development.

now, the age gap between remus and tonks is 13 years which is gross. especially when you think about the more childish representation of tonks in ootp, like theyve been matured in hbp for the purpose of making the relationship less weird? idk but this is a point that really irks me because many ppl ignore this and always conclude that ppl who dont like remadora are just wolfstar shippers and also hate tonks because they r a woman. even if i hated wolfstar id still hate remadora because of this gross age gap😭😭

another post was from like 10 yrs ago so, perhaps the opinions are just outdated considering jkrs problematic behaviour has become more of general knowledge in recent years but they basically were the common "he not gay jkr mad ehim be with woman he cant be gay 🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓" .. jkr has made lots of promises she couldnt keep.. like the whole can of worms that is the time turners (no cedric diggory would not become a death eater please go back to bed omg) so it really isnt unheard of that she could make a gay character and then just.. ruin it?

she definitely didnt intentionally make anyone gay, because she ahtes gay ppl, but remus and sirius are very commonly interpreted to be queer coded. loads of ppl mention this, but even david thewlis (remus lupin actor) read the characters as lovers. many people saw them as lovers so thought remus was gay, then saw him marry tonks and felt confused. of course he could just be bi but jkr wasnt writing that i dont think lolz EVEN if that was the case, remus is meant to be a good character so why is he getting with tonks who is so much younger than him, to me it makes no sense. which is why many people think remadora doesnt make sense, why many marauders fans, including myself, dont see remadora as what would happen. like im not saying that sirius would be a live and blah blah because im referring to a still canon compliant story, it just would not include remadora and its weird energy.

also, jkr said once that lycanthropy was a symbol for rhe aids crisis (thats not a gay allusion at all 🤗). and hootsyoutube makes a great point about how this is problematic. remus lupin is not the only werewolf in the series, greyback is another one that is apart of the wizard nazis and was the one who bit little 5 yr old baby remus lupin. so.. this is very predatory behaviour, i mean he sliterally biting people (like a lion eating a gazelle or sumn idk r u getting what im putting down 😭😭). now, what is a harmful and highly perpetuated stereotype against gay people.. you got it - predatory behaviour. jkr connects the aids crisis to werewolves who are (except remus) presented as predators who prey on little children 😝😝 amazing!!! SO jkr does allude to gay/bi remus buuut its also in a very evil very malevolent light because shes a witch cackling in the night

i hate canon dick riders because not only is the canon problemstic and jkr is evil BUT its literally a made up story... why do you care abt whats canon and ehats not? some may not get it but i love the feeling of being in the marauders fandom, where everything is just made up by us like its so whimsy so fun.

another post that rlly grinded my gears was saying "yall will complain abt remadora age gap but then ship snarry and snermione" which if ur referring to only ppl who ship this then yes you ate down very demure very mindful.. but it wasnt. why ar eppl generalising so hard like i know for a fact I do not ship that... thats pedofilia guys!! and i know most in marauders fandom dont either because most marauders fans i see rnt disgusting monster people? but they also used this to undermine the age gap in remadora, like no they r both bad both weird and the fact that one is by the author of hp is very telling

okay thats the end of my rant uhhh 🥸

[beardedmrbean]

Chancellor Olaf Scholz says he's "ashamed and outraged" at recent antisemitic attacks in Germany.

He was speaking at an event to mark the anniversary of the November pogroms of 1938, sometimes known as "Kristallnacht."

Berlin's staunch diplomatic support for Israel is often described as a matter of historic responsibility.

But, as fighting continues between Israel and Hamas, social discord is emerging in Germany.

I meet a woman called Noa at a Berlin synagogue where she tells me how she has family who survived the Holocaust by hiding in Poland.

Some Jewish people in today's Germany, she says, are now hiding their identity.

"It's scary. Why should I live and be afraid of who I am?"

Aaron doesn't feel comfortable showing items traditionally worn by Jewish men in public, either his kippah or his tzitzit, the tassels of his prayer shawl.

Having fled the war in Ukraine, he believes Berlin is unsafe because "a lot of people support terrorist organisations".

Fears about a rise in antisemitism, since the outbreak of hostilities between Hamas and Israel, are widespread across Europe.

For Germany, incidents such as two petrol bombs being thrown towards a Berlin synagogue in October spark acute anxiety due to the nation's Nazi past.

Cases of antisemitism were, according to preliminary police figures, already on the rise this year before the Hamas attacks - the majority committed by the far right.

Since 7 October, senior politicians have urged people, particularly from parts of the political left and Muslim backgrounds, to distance themselves from the actions of Hamas.

Israel's security is a fundamental cornerstone of German foreign policy with the former chancellor, Angela Merkel, declaring it to be a Staatsräson - reason of state - in 2008.

On a recent visit to Israel, Olaf Scholz said: "In such difficult times there is only one place we can be: at Israel's side."

But Germany's state doctrine is being visibly challenged on the streets of cities like Berlin.

"Your staatsräson sucks!" read one placard at a recent pro-Palestinian demonstration.

This march was permitted to take place whereas many have been banned.

Nadim Jarrar, who attended the 9,000-strong demo, tells me he's frustrated by the "one-sided" narrative.

Half-German, half-Palestinian - he thinks Germany must be more prepared to talk about the actions of Israel.

"It's a healthy process for every nation to get criticised and to have a discussion about what's going on."

Any German discomfort with that debate, he believes, cannot lead to shutting it down.

Sami, who has family in the West Bank and lives in Stuttgart, says people must be able "to show we are in pain about what's happening in Gaza".

"What's been done to the Palestinians since 1948... We've all seen the videos of what they're doing to our children."

In a widely viewed video message, Germany's vice-chancellor, Robert Habeck, said that criticism of Israel is "of course allowed" but its right to exist must not be "relativised".

"Israel's security is our obligation," he said.

Some demonstrations have led to violent clashes between police and protesters.

The authorities are investigating reports that black and white banners, which are used by jihadist groups and feature the Islamic statement of faith, were flown at a march in the city of Essen.

There was outrage when one group, subsequently disbanded by government, appeared to be celebrating the Hamas atrocities of 7 October on the streets of Berlin.

Felix Klein, the government's Commissioner for Jewish life in Germany, says it has become apparent that there is a big problem in Germany's integration policy.

"It is problematic when it turns into antisemitic and anti-Israel hate where people shout 'From the river to the sea, Palestine shall be free' - which would deny Israel's right to exist."

However, there has been criticism that the messages coming from the government have veered towards stoking anti-Muslim sentiment.

Debate about the German government's foreign and domestic positioning is likely to persist for as long as the conflict between Israel and Hamas lasts.

"Every time there's a war in Israel," says Noa, "it just hits us again and again that we are not a full part of the society".

"We will always be different. We will always be the ones that are not fully German."

There is real anguish in Germany, rooted in its past, that Jewish people don't feel safe. But there is also an anger, bubbling in some communities, about a perceived reluctance by the political classes to break a German taboo and criticise Israel.

[somanyfuckedupiftruebooks]

Mag 29

This serves as a correction to one of my previous comments from the statement about the Dark roomate who kept unscrewing lightbulbs: apparently the written statements are sometimes dictated and transcribed in the moment. I stand corrected! That seems like a wild way to take statements to me, but who am I to criticise the workings of the Magnus Institute?

Okay let's start with some basic thoughts in the End. It's cool that as the original Fear, basically all of the other Entities began in the End. The fear of death is both the root of all other fears, and as far as we know, the only Entity capable of killing/consuming the others, which makes it unique amongst the Entities. It's the most passive of all the other Entities by far, because it can afford to be, and we're lucky this is the case. If the End was actively invested in killing everything, all life would basically be screwed (which I guess is the idea behind the Extinction).

I think we can see that in the episode here, where the battleground is a mix of many different possible fears (Slaughter, Desolation, Lonely, Corruption) but the only thing that makes the soldier run is dying. The core of every other fear is that he doesn't want to die; all roads lead to the End.

Yes, everyone does fear death. Even people who desire or have made peace with their own death must still have some level of apprehension over it. No one knows what happens after we die and we all have to face it eventually. Of course we're afraid; of course a thing capable of surviving off that fear would be basically the ultimate power in all of creation.

That said, I did find it strange that the way this is phrased in the episode immediately spoke to the opposite fear for me. The episode talks about death being fearful even to those with faith in an afterlife, because existing for eternity is horrifying. I kind of agree? But for me the idea of immortality is horrifying for this reason. I don't want to exist forever! Time is the cruelest thing in the universe; it strips all meaning from everything. Death would be preferable to living forever, which is why I really hope there isn't an afterlife.

I'm definitely not like the soldier, panicking over the idea of death and trying to avoid it at any cost. I want to die someday (just hopefully not any time soon) because otherwise what is the point of anything?

Anyway this rambling is getting way more incoherent than usual, I will try to keep the existentialism to a minimum from here on out.

I originally took the age of the bones to be an indication that this version of Death has been stuck in his role for an incredibly long time (maybe millennia), before realising that he probably wouldn't be a monk if that was the case. I googled 'when did monks start' and apparently they've been around since the third century, so the oldest he could be is 1500 years. Which is very old obviously, but hardly 'older than you could possibly dream', and also if his clothes are instantly recognisable as monk's robes to this uneducated soldier, than he is probably much more recent than that.

So I think the real clue is in the phrase 'Death was no more a skeleton than you are a woolen suit'. These aren't the monk's actual bones that we're seeing, it's more like an outfit that he is wearing. He's dressed up as the embodiment of Death.

Poor idiot. Don't you know the cardinal rule of making a deal with any kind of supernatural power is to make sure you get the wording exactly right? It's basic stuff. Demon deals, fey bargains and genie wishes all operate by the same premise as a game with Death. Don't just agree without negotiating your terms! Get it in writing and make sure you understand all the terms and conditions before you enter into a formal agreement. You probably shouldn't even be discussing this without your attorney present.

Love that he's like 'Well, obviously Death's games are all rigged, so instead I'll get him to play my rigged game.' And it works!

Adding the Eye to the list of Entities that the End can embody.

Cheat Death! Cheat Death! Cheat Death!

There's no possible way this could turn out badly!

So... Death let him win, right? It would be against whatever rules bind him to outright throw a game and lose on purpose, but if the other player attempts to win by cheating, I think he can just allow it to happen. He's probably been waiting for centuries for someone to pick a game they can cheat at in such a way that he can pretend not to notice.

[rachaeljurassic]

I am going to watch 3x06 later but first...

I decided to watch 1x01 yesterday (thanks to a link I was sent, thanks 😘, I have all the episodes now 😁) and it was just so 🥰 to see them all for the first time. Dot afraid of telephones, Hugh banging his knee on his desk. But one highlight was the moment Aunt P quite literally emobodied

😒

so perfectly that I had to stop watching to recover 🤣🤣🤣

But it also got me thinking about a few things.

Why do I love Jack? tbh he is the exact character I always go for. Somebody who has tried so hard to live by the rules but things went to shit anyway. A man with a scowly outside hiding a soft gooey centre. A man of morals and honour who doesn't seem to think he deserves nice things. Of course, he looks rather nice too 🥵

Phryne and Mac. I guess I missed/forgot that Mac calls Phryne her oldest friend. Does she mean she has known her since they were kids, or that she's the oldest friend she still knows, so it coud be they met later? Not sure we'll ever find out but it's interesting to me to think about BOTH those options. But basically I can see why, at whatever time, they gravitated towards each other because they are different sides of the same coin. They both do whatever they please and damn anybody who criticises them. They simply rebel against society norms in very different ways. Phryne sashays around in the most fabulous clothes money can buy, sleeping with every man she takes a fancy to. Mac wears her suits and cravats, quietly conducting her personal life out of the spotlight. But both of them present themselves in a way that say 'I am doing ME, if you don't like it, go fuck yourself!' OF COURSE they are friends, they entirely understand each other

Why Mac is my girl. OK, Phryne is amazing, she's 🥵, I love her, I really do, but she is SO unlike me that she was never going to be main fixation. Mac, on the other hand, is somebody I DO relate to. I can't decide if I want to BE her or to MARRY her. Both probably. I want to go to work in a suit, waistcoat and cravat (and one day maybe I will!). I want to be as comfortable as she seems in her skin. I want to care as little as she seems to do about the barbs she must have faced and the outright homophobia that is seen from time to time on the show. She must have had a very hard life but at some point she thought 'fuck it'. I wish I had her courage. She is my hero I guess.

I'm off to eat now, and then, on with the show 😁

[mrs-monaghan]

Jimin skipping the kissing scene because kids may be watching, is totally him. He cares too much about others and likes to please them. He makes sure people are not sad or feeling bad. That's his personality. He's not faking it.

If other members wanted to smoke or do a vlive drinking, then it's their choice. And Jimin is not responsible for people not accepting it. They are responsible for that because they gave 2 images at the same time. They hid something controversially for so long then suddenly it was known. Fans of course will be confused.

Take tae for example, If anyone is most caring about his reputation, it's him. He's the one who still hides he's smoking and that he has a girlfriend and afraid of a scandal! If he would have come out and talked about it like an adult to his fans, they'll understand. The smoking part of course, not the dating part, it's already too late, it already handled wrong, it's still being covered, jm still get the hit from it. Him being straight and pushing tkk won't end well.

The two anons before. Take notes. This is how u approach a topic if u want a genuine answer from me.

Thank u polite anon. 😘

Of course this is who Jimin is. And we love this about him. 1000%. He isn't faking it. Its who he's always been. We absolutely live for his duality. And I'm not saying he is or should be responsible for anyone but he obviously feels like he is. Take for example this iconic live

When his boyfriend gave him soju Jimin was shook. He even almost cursed 😂 Even though we know he drinks. We've all seen him do it. But he has a thing about drinking live. He's not about it and that's fine. Just coz other members do it doesn't mean he has to. Its not who he is. I'm with u on this anon.

All I was saying was that it can be a bit of a problem. Because then if they ever make a mistake especially Jimin, he will get attacked ten fold. People would call him a hypocrite and all that jazz. Simply because there are certain things expected of him now. Because he has presented himself a certain way. Makes sense?

Jimin is super careful though so I doubt he would ever mess up but if he did it would blow back badly on him... (Que Paris scandal) do u see where I'm coming from?

I mean, its okay if this is how he chooses to deal with Army but I am allowed to be like

You know?

Damn. Watch me criticise Jin next and I'll be called a Jin anti.

Fun.

Thanks anon 💜 hope i made sense.

[aeoki]

SS Finals - Epilogue 5

Location: SS Stage (Eden) Characters: Hiyori, Jun, Nagisa & Ibara

Hiyori: Hehe. Besides, you couldn’t forgive yourself after going astray and tried to shoulder all of the responsibility yourself, right, Nagisa-kun?

You chose to fight outside of the law and made it so that you’d face a “divine punishment” that’s fitting for your sins.

Jun: What do you mean?

Hiyori: Everyone probably thought it was quite strange, but remember what was written in the “oracles”.

Those existed to ultimately point all the fingers at Nagisa-kun.

The “White Team” would be defeated after losing round after round. Who’s responsible for that? Why, that would be us, who handed the “oracles” out and forced the others to comply in accordance with them.

Nagisa: …Not us. Just me. I had intended on taking responsibility for it all from the beginning.

…That’s why I issued the “oracles” in my own name and not in “Eden’s”.

…I lost my mind and did that all on my own. And it placed everyone in a tough spot because of that.

…That was my plan.

…I am the one responsible for the “White Team’s” defeat and everyone will blame me for it. They’ll criticise, curse and throw rocks at me.

…It’s a fitting punishment for someone like me who went astray. I’m certain my incompetence would have been exposed to the world, so I wouldn’t be able to continue being an idol anymore.

Hiyori: If that’s what you think, then why did you hand the “oracles” to me that one time?

Jun: Yeah. The “oracles” ultimately ended up being something that was created in both of your names.

Ohii-san added a lot of stuff to those “oracles” and even signed it off himself.

Hiyori: Of course I would! We’ve lived this long together, so naturally, we’ll die together as well!

Nagisa: …If I said it was a momentary lapse of judgement, would you be angry with me?

…I, too, was afraid of being alone. I didn’t want to return to oblivion once more.

…I was foolish and weak and dragged you into it. I fell further and further, suffering the consequences of my own actions, while clinging onto you, who is so kind-hearted.

…But I snapped back to my senses afterwards and realised that I was simply relying on you.

…That’s why I asked Sakuma-kun to distribute the “oracles”.

…He’s very perceptive, so I had a feeling that he would understand even if I didn’t ask him to.

…The “oracles” is something I issued on my own accord and it has nothing to do with Hiyori-kun.

…That’s what I asked him to stress when I gave them to him.

…Everyone will believe it if it’s Sakuma-kun’s words.

…He is held in high regard, unlike me.

Ibara: I think you just don’t actually know your own worth. Besides, you’d also be looking down on His Highness, who is prepared to go to hell with you.

His decision is certainly not worth praising, but it would be extremely inhuman of you to trample over that.

Jun: Yeah. Ohii-san may be old-fashioned to think that you two are in the same boat, but it’s cruel to pretend his determination “never even existed”.

Nagisa: …Yeah. That would probably be the biggest sin I committed this time.

…I’m always relying on Hiyori-kun – It’s pathetic.

…The “oracles” became even more perfect after Hiyori-kun revised them.

…It made it so that I was the one responsible, so each person could act comfortably. The hidden message and the contents turned into something coherent and comprehensible.

Hiyori: Those intentions weren’t clear in the draft you wrote after all, Nagisa-kun.

They’d probably be confused and suspicious… Which might have the opposite effect and cause everyone to suspect everything and no one would follow the “oracles”.

That’s why I decided to revise them.

It seems Sakuma-kun agreed to Nagisa-kun’s request and told everyone to ignore the parts I had added, though.

I chose not to erase his parts. So everyone who read my perfect writing would be able to understand our intentions perfectly.

Nagisa: …Right. Thank you. My plan worked and I was able to defeat my detested “enemy”, thanks to your help.

Hiyori: It’s wrong to think you could have won all by yourself in the first place, you know! Why do you think units and teams exist?

They exist in order to help overcome walls you can’t climb over by yourself, right?

I never liked Eichi-kun’s method of doing things, but it doesn’t mean the results he produces are worthless!

The power that allows us idols to move forward definitely exists there.

Nagisa: …Yeah. This is everyone’s victory. We were able to secure our future at the end of the tightrope.

…In reality, I had come up with several plans, but thanks to everyone, I think we were able to reach the most appropriate ending.

…”Priest’s” goal was to obtain the splendour of days past. Everything he did was for his own interests and to acquire glory.

…At the same time, taking the place of Subaru-kun’s father, who he detested, envied and admired more than anyone else, was essential.

…That was what I was able to surmise. But I cannot lure him out with such superficial bait.

…He is a mysterious man akin to an apparition that was never exterminated. No one would have so much trouble if he could be defeated so easily.

…So I laid out the table and made sure I was thorough in my preparations.

…I was able to predict several patterns where he would appear. First, he would use the position of the “Support Idol” to replace Touri-kun who had collapsed.

…But I wanted to avoid this if possible. “Priest” is “Lucifer”, the “Support Idol” for us – the “White Team”. It seems he used his own power to obtain that position.

…But Touri-kun is part of the “Red Team”. “Lucifer” doesn’t have the right to appear in Touri-kun’s place.

…So in that case, it was possible that in the worst-case scenario, he would kill Seiya Hidaka-sensei, the “Support Idol” for the “Red Team”, in order to replace him.

…”Priest” can transform into anyone. He tried to stand at the top of the industry to obtain glory, so transforming into Seiya Hidaka-sensei would have been appropriate.

…Of course, transforming into Subaru-kun’s father would be the best option, though.

…Seiya Hidaka-sensei is the last super idol that’s active and his position is more than attractive.

…Kill him, take his place and gain fame.

…He could have also chosen to make a public appearance as Subaru-kun’s father – the thing Sensei was always trying to safeguard – whenever he liked.

Jun: Ohh~... Come to think of it, Hidaka-sensei did mention that he might be assassinated or something like that. I thought he was just joking.

Nagisa: …Sensei is very good with his calculations, so maybe that’s how he reached that conclusion. He is unfathomable.

…One could even say he almost has the ability to predict the future. I’ve heard he can read the future by analysing the components of this world and calculating those movements.

…That’s a miracle impossible for humans. But Sensei can do something very similar to that.

…He is the last active super idol. Just as I had thought, he is the one closest to God in this current era.

Jun: Haha. In the opposite sense, it seems Hokuto Hidaka-san also has quite a troublesome father.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ← Previous Chapter ᠂ ⚘ ˚⊹˚ ⚘ ᠂  Next Chapter →

[yihrae]

I had a conversation with my friends last night. There were approximately 8 of us seated in a circle and we were playing a sort of conversation game. The rules of the game were that we would spin a wheel to select who would answer the question, and anyone from the group could propose a question. Once two questions were proposed, the individual chosen to answer would choose one of the two questions and answer it.

When it was my turn to answer, Professor Giovanni (who was also in the circle) proposed a question, asking me "What is your proudest achievement to date?" Victoria asked the second question "What would you do if you got $1 million dollars. Like, be completely honest... I mean unless you would really donate $1 million to charity"

I went on a long ramble! As follows:

"Well Vic! If I had a million dollars I'd probably invest it... but anyway I wanna answer prof's question because it's quite interesting. I have two things I'm the most proud of, one is tangible and one is not so much. One of them is the fact that I taught myself how to play the piano. Sometimes when I look at my own fingers moving it feels so surreal because it's difficult to believe they can do what they can do. But the less tangible one, and the one I'd really say is my proudest achievement, is who I am today. I'm very proud of who I am because I believe I've worked very hard to get to who I am today. While I don't think I am the best person, I'm definitely not a terrible person... probably a decent one! Like... I don't have anger issues, I'm quite accepting and I try my best to be friendly."

Then someone asked me "So you said you had to work hard to become who you are today? So how did you like... work hard?"

I answered:

"It's a constant cycle of feedback. Usually, when someone dislikes me I want to find out why, and if I believe the reason to be valid then I will change the person I am. So it's a long, long process of lots of altering-my-own-behaviour, and just telling myself "dontdothisdontdothisdontdothis" when I find myself engaging in certain behaviours. I repeat this to myself until it sort of concretises with my mind and becomes a habit of sorts"

Another question thrown was "But why? Why do you care? Why try so hard?"

I answered:

"I just want to be the best version of myself! And to me, being the best version is really defined by what other people think is a good version. Because it's possible that someone could think the best version of themselves is a murderer, but then obviously that wouldn't be very accepted or liked. And I think in the end what's important to me is that I wanted to be liked by people."

The last question asked, "But how can you be proud of who you are if other people are constantly criticising you?"

I said:

"I think that I've reached a point where I can reach a decent percentage of people that like me to the point where I don't receive too much criticism (at least I hope so). So I'm happy with that percentage. Of course it's a constant struggle to get that percentage to 99.9999 but I'm happy with it now!"

That was a short summary of what I said. I was thinking about this behaviour of mine and this chronic people-pleasing. I'm not sure if it was a nature or a nurture thing honestly. Who really knows! But my professor messaged me the morning after saying:

"I detected an undercurrent of skepticism from the others but you defended yourself convincingly. My one contribution (which I didn't make because I'm afraid of abusing my position) is to propose that when others point out contradictions in yourself, it can be self-validating (and disarming) to embrace such contradictions as a fundamental feature of the human condition, particularly when your self is oriented mainly towards others as is the case for you."

To which I responded:

"

Honestly, I have wondered for a while why I suffer from chronic people-pleasing! I discussed it with my mom once. I said "Maybe it's YOUR fault for giving me these genes" but I don't think it's entirely true because she and I don't operate entirely alike. She has an element of people-pleasing too but she's quite firm on the "do things for yourself" belief as well.

I think it was interesting to hear what everyone else had to say! Throughout the X number of times I've shared this view of my own there has probably also been around X times where people asked me what about my sense of self and my identity. I'm usually ready with an answer though! It was indeed self-validating in a form to just embrace this peculiar nature. I don't think it's bad to be the way I am. Is it optimal? No clue! But I know it isn't bad. I have my own lines and boundaries I draw for myself when it comes to people-pleasing and I would say I have the capacity to live how I do so it's fine for me"

Interesting night! I honestly have a lot more to say on this topic but then this post will never end...

[badheart]

fang’s reaction wasn’t anything like what she’d have expected to see ; leaning back almost scared at first, upon hearing her laugh loudly over a matter that was far from humorous to her. it worried her, actually. her disbelief slowly settled in, & as she calmed down, rei was able to slowly nod & confirm that she wasn’t kidding. her disgust was evident over the phrasing that was used— ‘our ‘ idachi, as if she ever wanted to claim him. “ugh, don’t even remind me…” she’d grunt & look away, trying not to dwell too much on the thought of him, but for her misfortune, fang had to make a comment wondering about their sex life, which prompted rei to gag.

“seeing how she acted after han…” whom she had confirmed to have slept with, rei was inclined to believe that this delusion must have been for something like that. it would make more sense than actually being close to dating, as futaba claimed. she shook her head, not even wanting to think about it. “I felt so bad for her… it didn’t matter I told her about how he treated the other women at work…” his on-going harassment & such, trying to avoid making mention of her own. “she made it sound like they were going to be official soon & that I should be happy…” & then there was her own guilt & hypocrisy ; dating a man that she knew futaba would disagree with. it made it all the more difficult, because as for jiro, she could at least say he was good to her, it was difficult to image idachi doing that for her, especially when he hadn’t stopped bothering her after all these years. was such a man even capable of change? rei groaned & closed her eyes

“I was so afraid of losing her that I couldn’t say anything else but… I don’t want her to get hurt. knowing how desperately she wants this…” she feared that she’d turn a blind eye & stubbornly stick to her choice—but wasn’t that what rei was doing as well? she even felt bad for criticising her, as she was no better in the end. “am I being selfish when I won’t even tell her about my relationship?”

Fang could only awkwardly smile at seeing Rei's reaction, as she was guilty of liking him but detesting him at the same time, but the latter, she had sort of accepted. A lot of men were like him and unlike Rei, she would usually just tease them back, though it worked in the past better, and there was certainly some odd entertainment for her, when dealing with Idachi. In his case, she was also quite biased for selfish reasons.

"I guess our dear friend really likes the rough type..." Fang could not help but comment as she compared Han & Idachi in her mind. While she was still amazed about the news, overall she was not so shocked after all and found it almost amusing. Nevertheless, she hoped that Futaba would not really fall for that guy, it would only mean further heartbreak. "I mean... you don't really care either, how your boyfriend possibly treats others..." Fang pointed out and while she barely knew Jiro, the little interaction was more than enough for her to tell, that he was just another asshole, but of course he would treat his princess right. Even if he was not harassing other women, for that he was awful in other things. "And considering Futaba's working field and all, for her it is probably just another norm... not that I want to defend Idachi, just trying to understand, why she might be more okay with him. Perhaps he really nice to her for some reason?" Which still annoyed her but she would hate to confront him about it, as he would just mock her or whatever. It had been hard enough to avoid him over the last years, resisting the temptation, but he had made his point very clear, especially after the divorce of her parents.

"Perhaps Jiro nicer to her? I don't know?" Meaning, if Jiro was well mannered in her presence, she probably would not dare to judge Rei at all and congratulate her. She could not hold anything against her (relationship) then. "Why wouldn't you tell her, tho-?" She suddenly wondered, and assumed that Rei was very aware that he was a dick.

[goldenheartstudios]

I watched the season Seabound from Ninjago and I have some thoughts about it

Disclaimer 1: Any strong emotion shown in this post is exaggerated for fun purposes and not meant to take it seriously. The genuine critiques are meant to be respectful or lighthearted

Disclaimer 2: I like making disclaimers (also heads up, there will be spoilers in this post!)

With that aside, this season was fun! Nya is one of my favorite characters, so I was eager to see a season focused on her, even if it was kind of short (I will elaborate on this point later)

First, I want to say that I haven't seen all the recent seasons yet (more specifically 9, 10, 12, 13 and The Island). I know what happens in them, but I couldn’t bring myself to sit and watch them yet, and being Romanian makes it a little harder to find proper sites to say the least. Thankfully, it wasn’t needed to watch them for this season, since I understood all that happened

This brings me to the first compliment I want to give for the season: the story was on point and not difficult to follow. They didn’t complicate it too much than necessary, which is nice! It left room for exploring relationships and emotions

Speaking of which, I always liked the way Ninjago handles emotions. They’re honest and quiet, in a way to show respect and understanding. You know that what happens matters to the characters, and I’m so glad they’re good at that because when Nya’s funeral came up, they put all the effort to show how much she meant for everyone

Nya’s relationship with her mother Maya was also so fun to see! I’m glad that they showed more of the Smith parents and the relationship between them and their children, it made me grow more attached to them and think they’re beyond just “parents”. The Smith family is on the top of my favorites, which I think it’s a good and bad thing at the same time

The dialogue in this season was also fun. There were many times when I felt what they said was genuine and smart, and the cookie line at the end was a simple parallelism, but an effective one. The fact that it was simple is what made it stuck to me and appreciate it (and if the fact that Kai and Jay, the ones who are the closest to Nya, almost drowned in this season for the intentional purpose of making the connection to water, then I will give the writers points for smartness)

And even if the main villain was not for me, I can see and understand why would people like him

Overall, this season was fun and emotional, and I’m definitely looking forward to how it will go next season!

.

.

.

Now let’s get on the negatives

Alright, to start it off, the season lacked in build-up for being short. I felt around the middle that it was moving from point A to point B without leaving time to process it. I know they have limited time, but I feel like season 11 did a better job at handling it, at least in the first half, and I use that as comparison

I definitely felt the rush in action the moment Benthomaar told the others about his past in “The Tale of Benthomaar”. Because even if they just met him, after he told them his tragic backstory, they were like “You’re our friend now and we trust you until the very end”, which it would have been better handled if it was at least one more episode where they get to interact more before this one

But I do understand the lack of time and having few episodes that limited how much they can show. With this time, each episode has to be meaningful, and they have to give much thought into what they can and can’t do

.

Well at least, I would have understood better if “Riddle of the Sphinx” dIDN’T EXIST-

Ok listen, I do get what they tried to do. They wanted to show that the others do something and are part of the plot, while going to a more lighthearted route. But did they really, really, have to go with one of the oldest riddles in history? And make that Wu, of all people, didn’t know the correct answer to it?? When Kai gave the right answer, I was relieved, not surprised, and got me thinking that Wu and Cole need to read the first chapter of a riddle book in the future

Seriously, that time could have been used for something else, or they could have at least given a twist to the riddle

The part when Nya has to learn to communicate to the whales doesn’t make it better, because I know they can use the dragons

We know they can use the dragons

I miss the dragons

For real tho, why do they want to acknowledge the existence of dragons in season 11, but never even consider using them? I don’t want them to constantly use them, since it can be dangerous, but I want them to use them when it’s really needed

I know the writers wanted to make Nya use her powers, but I don’t see the need for it. It’s not like she used this power to do something completely important other than getting away from the island

… When they could have used the dragons-

Going to a different point, there was a lack of comedy in this season, which is one of the things I’m sad about. The thing that I love about Ninjago (and lego related things in general), is its comedy, because even if the story can be wonky or very simple, at least it makes me laugh and I have a good time. “The Virtues of Spinjitzu” is a good example for this, because even if some things from the plot are on the nose, it was hilarious as hell, especially the beginning, which is what makes it memorable and makes me desire to rewatch it someday

Seabound… didn’t have that. The jokes were not that funny for me, which I find unfortunate. It was the first season where I felt that, and I hope it will be the only one

The last point I want to make is that it’s visible some of the characters took the short end of the stick in being relevant this season. I know, this is not the first time it happened, and the creators most likely wanted to concentrate on other characters to balance their lack of focus in previous seasons, but you can write a season focused on one character and make the ones around it feel relevant as well. I genuinely prefer not to be any focus character in the season rather than sacrificing characters for one’s main story

One thing that bothered me the most was the lack of focus on Kai specifically, because this season was about his sister, and in this season, Nya struggles with her family relationship and herself. I’m sad that she and Kai didn’t have a moment when they both talked about their different perspective about their parents, and I’m sad that Kai wasn’t much shown in this season when he loses his sister

The thing that I love the most in this series is their sibling bond, with how they can bicker but care for each other deeply, and it was unfortunate to see a lack of it in this season, especially since it may take a while to see them together again

I do understand that the writers wanted to go with Kai being in a state of shock/processing about Nya’s “death” at the end, but I want to see him grieve in the next season. I want that the moment he’s showing his thoughts and feelings about Nya, his sister he cares deeply, the focus will be on him, like it was with Jay this season

So, the conclusion is that even if I enjoyed this season, I do have my issues with it. And even if I’m looking forward for the next season, I’ll keep my hopes low until I see it for myself, no matter how much it gets hyped

I’m a big fan of Ninjago, and I genuinely want to see it getting better with the pacing, comedy, and characterization

And please Ninjago, no more riddles/hj

[save-the-villainous-cat]

Ok but like what about a scientist who is very feverish and sleep deprived and has taken many all nighters visit villain (cause of work stuff, ya know? Working together to fight the hero?) and then villain notices they're tired so they tell them to take a rest and then the scientist is like "thanks" and falls to the floor and villain has to take care of them?

(This is my first time asking for something like this, sorry if its hard to understand or sumn, im not expecting for u to do this)

Despite the scientist’s impressive collection of knowledge stored in their brain, sometimes their lack of self-care prevailed their rational thinking. They weren’t necessarily ambitious. Working for the villain wasn’t promising more money than every other job they could have gotten in the science community. And their inventions weren’t that groundbreaking, either.

But they were a people pleaser. They couldn’t stand to disappoint the villain. To hear a single discomfited sigh would be a nightmare for them.

So, they often found themselves in the midst of their lab, working more than their doctor told them was normal. Sure, it cost them a healthy dose of sleep, but they couldn’t even fall asleep if they knew the villain wasn’t satisfied with the results.

Today, they were on their way back from the cafeteria with their fifth coffee and more or less ready to work through the night. However, they stopped right there on the stairs when their boss appeared in front of them, coming up.

“Evening,” the scientist mumbled, pulling the cup of hot coffee carefully closer. In their swaying state, they were afraid they would spill anything on the villain’s shoes.

The villain gave them an arched brow and a once-over.

“Everyone’s gone home. You should go, too,” the villain said.

“Yeah, I’m almost done with my work. I still have to check the compressors for the machines and the bacteria colonies have to be fed, too. I also wanted to start a new experiment. I’ve been told one of the heroes is actually allergic to strawberries and I would like to test that. I just don’t know how, yet.” The scientist worried their lip. There was still a lot more to do but the villain didn’t seem to be too keen on listening to that right now.

Judging by the criticising look they were giving the villain at least.

“You can do that tomorrow. It’s past your bedtime.” The scientist laughed at the joke without much energy but the villain did not even smile. “I am serious. I would like you to go to bed.”

The coffee was heavier in their hand than before. Of course they would do it if the villain wanted them to, but there were…experiments and…work. So much fucking work.

“Are you sure? I can stay and—” The villain raised a lazy hand.

“I am sure. I can’t have my best scientist working themselves to death.” Not sure what to do now, the scientist kept standing on the stairs, looking down at the villain which was something so unwonted it made their heart leap.

“I mean it. You look pale.” Suddenly, the villain took the scientist’s coffee out of their hand. “Your diet can’t consist of coffee and a vitamin lacking breakfast, either.”

The scientist wondered if the villain knew this much about their other workers. And if they insisted on their health this violently, too.

They couldn’t help but feel like all of this was some sort of criticism.

“Oh. Yeah, totally. I promise to work on that,” the scientist said. They couldn’t disappoint the villain.

They gave the villain a small smile like they always did and tried to get past them. The stairs already blurred together and created one big inclination that seemed to invite the scientist to fall.

Before they even knew it, the villain grabbed their elbow — they couldn’t even tell if it was in a friendly manner or not — and pulled them close. Closer than decency allowed. But not close enough for the scientist.

“Your coworkers have complained about your long shifts. They think you get more money, they think I favour you which is true. But a week ago, you passed out on your desk for the umpteenth time. It’s not unusual for you to never leave the lab at all. You don’t eat properly, you don’t drink properly. You can barely walk on your own.”

The scientist blinked a few times, looking directly at the brilliant eyes of the villain. Maybe it was their slow brain playing a prank on them but their boss was gentler than usual. “I can’t watch you doing this to yourself. You have to stop.”

The scientist frowned. They didn’t understand the words. Was this criticism? Weren’t they good enough?

Wasn’t this also a contradiction? The villain should have been supportive of their long stays…

“Come here. I’ll bring you home today.” The scientist let themselves be pulled even closer and almost tripped on the stairs. The villain caught them easily before they could hit the ground.

Already half asleep, the scientist fell into the villain’s arms, searching for something they couldn’t put their finger on. It was something ancient, something they needed at all costs.

“I’ll force you to take some days off,” the villain whispered in their ear but the scientist couldn’t even protest anymore.

And in the crook of the villain’s neck, they found their last comfort as they drifted off to sleep.

[gothhabiba]

do you think TERFs have any valid points? I honestly am so confused by their logic, but on the other hand, aren't certain reproductive issues just for people with vaginas, just like trans people should get the center stage on their issues?

Is there any grain of truth at all in any terf arguments? I mean, yes, because terfs are interested in recruiting people and this is central to their recruitment strategy. Terfs want you to think that they are the only ones who are addressing issues that actually matter to women, that they are the only ones taking a meaningful stance contra violence against women, that they are the only alternative to useless liberal choice-based "it's empowering to purchase 1345163 skin and makeup products" feminism, and that they are the only ones who notice or are willing to talk about supposedly "obvious truths" regarding reproduction and biology, because everyone else is too cowed by "the trans cult" to do any of these things.

Terfs want to draw you in by degrees by espousing some seemingly reasonable opinions--such that you find yourself following people who just "happen" to reblog a lot of non-transmisogynistic posts from terfs because "they make some good points about non-trans issues," and then maybe following those terfs directly because you think you can sort it out and decide for yourself, and then you're exposed to more and more directly transmisogynistic and white supremacist content until you start to see these things (i.e., criticism of liberal feminism and transmisogynistic, racist sex essentialism) as logically connected. Terfs want you to believe, in fact, that transmisogynistic sex essentialism must logically follow from a critique of liberal feminism or from any actual reckoning with the material reality of women's lives, such that anyone who criticises liberal feminism without being a terf is just an incomplete terf, is "almost there" but still being held back by fear of reprisal from people who subscribe to "trans ideology," is parroting pro-trans slogans and dogma that they don't actually understand or believe because they don't want to be socially octracised and will eventually see the light. If you speak out against misogyny and liberal feminism on here a lot you can expect terfs to try hard to recruit you.

Cults, conspiracy theorists, and alt-right fascist movements like red pill / black pill work using the same "frog in a pot" technique--they play on actual concerns and real feelings of alienation and disaffection among their targets in order to gradually radicalise people by presenting disconnected arguments as logically connected, presenting themselves as the only ones with the solution to a problem, and presenting people on the outside as afraid, clueless, deluded, ignorant, and hateful towards their members and their messaging. This strategy is also why people recommend deplatforming terfs.

To answer your original question--IF there is a style of liberal trans feminism that denies that the ways in which reproductive capacity is discussed and legislated around are gendered, it is in my experience pretty niche and not primarily driven by trans women, whatever terfs claim. Of course the conception of reproductive capacity is gendered, of course lack of access to certain types of birth control, menstrual products, information about and support during pregnancy, and abortion is due to misogyny. Of course everything from medical violence against pregnant people to FGM is due to misogyny. But it doesn't follow that there are exactly two kinds of sexed body (either according to the reality of human biology or according to medical and political institutions), that you're categorically and unproblematically assigned to one or the other and always read that way, that people who are assigned "male" at birth are always unproblematically read and treated as men with all the privileges that that supposedly entails (terfs aren't good at dealing with race or class either), that trans people don't face reproductive violence, that the types of reproductive violence that concern cis women don't concern trans people--I could go on and on here, a lot of false equivalences are made around this.

For one thing, "people with vaginas" isn't really a meaningful distinction in terms of reproductive rights in the way that I think you're trying to use it in. You're trying to map "people with vaginas" (which includes... a lot of trans women?) neatly onto "people who were assigned 'female' at birth," "people who menstruate," "people who can get pregnant," "people who can carry a pregnancy to term," and probably also "people with hormonal cycles dominated by estrogen and progesterone," "people with breasts," and any number of other things--but the venn diagram of these different sets is absolutely not a circle! Any and all of these things obviously influence the trans people that they apply to just as much as the cis people they apply to? Plus the fact that women are commonly defined by their reproductive capacity obviously leads to transmisogyny & the reading of trans women as "failed" women, rather than somehow exempting trans women from misogyny (terfs SAY that they think of trans women as men, but they're very much lying). The fact that trans women need to accept sterilisation to get necessary medical care (which is what access to transition is) is a very obvious way in which the intersection of reproductive rights issues and misogyny impacts trans women. The idea that "afab people" (again, with the assumption that all of the above maps perfectly onto the same set of people) and trans women have completely discrete sets of experiences regarding the intersection of misogyny and reproductive / medical violence completely mystifies me. To the extent that those experiences are different, though, that difference does not motivate a reading of sex in humans as binary (in fact this is a colonialist, white supremacist idea), nor does it motivate a reading of trans women as sexed as "male" and therefore not subject to misogynistic control of or reading of reproductive capacity. This is all stuff that most trans feminists whom I've seen talk about this freely acknowledge.

See my /tagged/reproductive rights, /tagged/gender, and /tagged/sex binary for more.

[i-did-not-mean-to]

Candlelight dinner with Dwalin? 🥺👉🏼 👈🏼 he's such moshi softy I need to melt. Love your writing!

Hey hey...Slowly settling in the new house!

Here's your story

Candles

Words: 1,1 k

“Are you taking me for a fool?” Dwalin shook the tiny candles – three at a time – in annoyance and, for a moment, Kíli thought that he’d throw them at his head.

“Why is everything I procure for people always wrong?” the young man complained; he was of half a mind to let his friends and family members get their shit on their own if they always had something to criticise about the items he brought them.

“Lad,” Dwalin sighed, “I am well afraid that I’ll need bigger candles for a candlelight dinner. It will look ridiculous…”

He relapsed into silence, kneading his huge hands nervously.

Kíli knew what a great, big oaf Dwalin could be and patted his shoulder with affectionate brutality.

“They love you,” Kíli giggled, “they won’t object to tiny candles that make you look even bigger and bulkier for that’s your worry, isn’t it?”

Thorin claimed that Dwalin had looked like a rock upon birth already, and Kí had no trouble believing that seeing how broad and strong the old dwarf was nowadays, but he could also understand that he longed to look right in a romantic setting.

“It kind of is,” Dwalin admitted in an annoyed tone, “I am just not good at this whole spiel; the candles, the tablecloth, the tiny cutlery…I feel like a bumbling fool.”

“It was your idea!” Kíli exclaimed; he was of course unbeatable when it came to spontaneous romantic gestures and could only shake his head at the extreme pains Dwalin – once again – had taken in the meticulous courting of a person who was utterly infatuated with him anyway.

“Well, maybe it was not a good idea!” Dwalin shouted back, always easily drawn into a screaming match by the flippant youth.

“Stop it!” Kíli laughed and gave his old friend and honorary uncle a tiny push, “it will be quite okay. The food is good, I know because I convinced Bombur to let me taste everything, you look dapper, and the candles will be very pretty once they’re lit.”

“You are an old romantic, Dwalin son of Fundin,” they laughed as soon as they came through the door and saw Dwalin trying to fumble the tiny candles into their holder without the flame going out in the process.

His half-bald head snapped up and one of the candles – alight – was crumbled to a clump of wax in his massive fist as his whole body tensed.

“I am a foolish dwarf,” Dwalin mused aloud, “that’s what I am.”

“Dwalin,” they said softly, stepping closer to thread their hand between his arm – pressed tightly against his massive chest – and his torso gently, “I have told you before that you don’t need to do anything you are not comfortable with for my sake.”

Dwalin sighed; it was true that those had been their words, but they deserved all the things he had heard about – and laughed at dismissively as he had to admit ruefully now – from his friends and kinsmen.

If one truly loved another person, one was to show them by lighting candles and organising romantic dinners; everybody said so and he could not imagine loving anyone deeper or more helplessly than them.

“You’re a good man,” they purred, feeling a little guilty for having mocked him ever so lightly for his efforts; to them, it was ludicrous how much he worried about these things when there was no need whatsoever for it.

They knew him to be awkward in those things and hence, they couldn’t quite understand why he kept putting himself through them; it was so painfully obvious how kind and generous he was whenever they saw him interact with other people. How could he still believe that they needed something other or beyond that knowledge?

“Those are very nice candles,” they complimented him – thinking that it might put him at ease – but his face scrunched up in frustration as he explained that he thought that they were too small.

“It doesn’t matter how big or how small the candle is, Dwalin,” his own true love smiled, “it’s all about the light!”

Indeed, the whole room seemed to gleam with the many tiny accents of love and devotion he had sprinkled about; Dwalin usually had no eye for these things, so they took special notice of the wildflowers someone had collected from their favourite spot in the woods and the delicious aroma of wild boar which was one of the dishes they loved the most.

“I just wanted it to be perfect for you,” Dwalin breathed, brushing his lips carefully across theirs before applying a little more pressure and plunging into a passionate kiss as they reciprocated his caresses immediately.

“It is,” they replied, a little breathlessly, “it always is where you are concerned, my love.”

As the meal was served, Dwalin could not help staring at their beauty; no matter how dumb and unsatisfying he found the candles that Kíli had gotten from Nori who probably had stolen them right out of the pot-warmer of some poor unsuspecting widow, he had to admit that the soft golden glow flattered his beloved exceedingly.

They had been made for soft lighting: the afternoon sun, the diamond shine of a starry night or a full moon, candlelight, and lanterns in dark corners.

It seemed as if every single ray was multiplied and reflected by their complexion, their eyes, and their smile; they were wreathed and crowned in ethereal bands of pulsating gold, and he could not avert his eyes.

Once or twice, he stabbed himself in the lip with his fork because he was so distracted by his company.

“Love,” they chuckled, “I will not dissolve into thin air. Eat!”

Dwalin took them by their word but lowering his gaze onto his plate felt like blasphemy and so, his head shot up again and again, washing over them like a soft mist of purest love.

The food tasted better in their company, Dwalin found; the feeling of perfect and utter bliss made him unclench his jaw and relax his shoulders which may have contributed to that effect, but mainly, he felt like their presence amplified everything good and precious in the world.

“Thank you for this lovely evening,” they said as they wiped their rosy mouth on the fine cloth napkin without disturbing the serene smile that lingered on their face every time they were around the gruff warrior with the surprisingly soft heart.

“It was my pleasure,” Dwalin replied, a little embarrassed by the compliment and his inability to reply appropriately.

“May I invite you to walk me home and take some coffee in my sitting room?”

There was a twinkle in their eyes that he could not entirely place; his mouth went dry, and he tried to swallow against the rising tide of panic before nodding slowly.

“Lovely,” they grinned and took his hand to lead him onto that mysterious path only known to them.

And this (most probably) concludes the February Challenge for me!

I am sorry about the delay and I hope you've liked this. Thank you for sending a prompt, it means so much to me <3

[trueishcolours]

No no no I really want to hear your full thoughts on consent! But I'll wait for the post :D As for all the rest. Yeah. Exactly. All of it. The episode 6 apologies make me want to trust the show to handle this new mess well too, but at the same time my trust issues are also immune to waterfall kisses, so. I'll wait and see. And like, not to be extremely shallow, but even if they mess everything up after this point, at least we got to see some really attractive dudes :|

Yay! Now thanks to you I get to post this in response to an ask as though I were a popular blog whose opinion people were clamouring to read, instead of just yelling into the void like I normally do!

Before I launch into why the Bathroom Handjob Scene was super-duper not consensual, I want to be clear that I am not criticising anybody who enjoyed the scene, or criticising the showrunners for writing the scene the way they did. I did not start watching the Mafia Show about Mafia Men doing Mafia Things because I wanted to see characters who were models of good behaviour. In fact I thought the scene was excellently done and part of the point of this post is to praise that! But I do think we all ought to be clear about what we are watching, and what we are not watching is ethical sex.

So, in the discussion around sexual ethics, people have come up with a lot of features of what true consent should look like. Off the top of my head, consent should be enthusiastic, specific, ongoing, fully informed and freely given. I think some fans of the show have noticed the enthusiasm of Porsche’s consent – he clearly likes having sex with Kinn, a lot! – and are skipping over the ‘freely given’ bit.

What does ‘freely given’ mean? Put simply, if you are under any pressure or coercion to consent – if something bad might happen to you if you don’t give your consent – then your consent is not valid. And Kinn and Porsche’s relationship has been coercive from the get-go when Kinn kidnapped Porsche, and has not got less coercive since. Again, this is a feature of the show, not a bug! The imbalanced power dynamic of the mafia-boss-and-bodyguard relationship is what makes it tasty, and the question of whether Kinn and Porsche will eventually be able to overcome this power imbalance is the driving force of the show! But for now, the relationship is coercive, and consent can’t exist in a coercive space.

I am going to belabour this point just a little more, because the claim that somebody can say they want sex, and enjoy the sex, and yet not have given valid consent, sounds counterintuitive and honestly a little patronising. ‘They said yes but they didn’t really mean it and we can’t believe them?’ Sounds like some anti-kink nonsense! But the thing is, if you’ve created a situation where a person might reasonably be afraid to say no to you, and then they say yes to you, you can’t actually know whether they really mean it, or whether they’re lying to protect themselves. If you proceed in the face of this uncertainty, you are behaving unethically. And if you’re the person being coerced, you may not actually be aware of how much pressure you were under until much later, because your brain will do what it thinks it needs to do to help you survive the situation, including suppressing feelings of fear and going along with whatever it thinks is the safest course of action. I think we can see Porsche doing this in ep. 7 with regard to all the torture and killing. In ep. 3 he was very upset at being present during torture and eventually being the one to shoot the victim; in ep. 7 he didn’t turn a hair. But I don’t think this means he has become truly okay with it. I think his brain has realised that there’s no getting out of participating in torture and killing if he wants to stay safe, and so is supressing all his qualms about it. For now.

Jesus Christ, that was a long preamble about the nature of consent. On to the Bathroom Handjob Scene!

So, Vegas is just getting his own sexual assault plan started when Kinn bursts in and kicks him out. Rather than assuming, ‘my evil cousin was harming my crush,’ Kinn jumps straight to ‘my crush was cheating on me with my evil cousin.

Kinn is holding a gun. Even if Porsche did not have Vegas’ story about Kinn shooting his ex fresh in his head, even if Kinn wasn’t a proven killer who once shot an apple off Porsche’s head just to make a point, the presence of the gun alone would be enough to make me question whether Porsche’s consent could really be ‘freely given.’

Kinn then uses aggressive body language, hemming Porsche in against the sink and introducing some actual violence into the situation by slapping Porsche in the face. But Porsche is much, much braver than I am, so instead of giving in to the man with the gun, he pushes him away, slaps him back, and then attempts to storm out of the bathroom.

Kinn grabs him and drags him back.

For me, this is where he crosses the line from ‘creating a coercive atmosphere where consent cannot be freely given’ to ‘actively violating Porsche’s consent.’ Okay, he had a gun, but maybe he didn’t intend to use it. He backed Porsche against the sink, but maybe he didn’t realise how aggressive that seemed. But now there’s no doubt: Porsche tries to leave and Kinn won’t let him.

Porsche doesn’t give up, though! He turns his back to Kinn, wrapping his arms protectively around himself. I honestly wanted to cheer for him at this point, because this posture is both physically defensive – it’s how you’d protect your neck and vital organs from an attacker who you couldn’t escape – and emotionally defiant. Fine, he’s saying, you can force me to stay, but I’m not going to look at you. I’m not going to give you access to the parts of my body that you clearly so desperately want to touch. I’m going to give you the cold wall of my back and nothing else. This has honestly been Porsche’s attitude all along – you can make me stay, but you can’t make me cooperate. You don’t own me.

So then Kinn whispers ‘sorry’ in his ear and Porsche turns around and they open each other’s pants and jerk each other off.

Listen. When you’re with a person you like and find attractive, and that person starts violating your boundaries, there comes a point when you ask yourself,

Am I really going to stick to my guns and continue denying this person and making us both miserable, when I could just give in and give us what we both want?

Is it really that important to me that they ‘ask nicely?’ Does my boundary matter that much actually?

If I keep refusing, maybe they’ll finally respect my no, or maybe they’ll hurt or assault me. Whereas if I give in, I can tell myself that surely they would have stopped if I’d kept refusing. Do I really want to find out the truth?

God, this situation where the person I like is violating my boundaries is making me miserable. I could really do with some comfort, reassurance and positive touch from a person I like. Oh look, there’s a person I like right here, and they will stop making me miserable and give me positive touch instead if I just consent!

It can feel awful, deciding to give in to an abuser’s coercion before they go on to outright harm you. You can feel as though a ‘real victim’ would have said no no matter what, and because you said yes in order to avoid harm, you kind of sort of more or less consented. You can feel like you’ve let down rape and abuse survivors everywhere by not holding your attacker to a higher standard of behaviour. You can feel like you’ve let yourself down. And I think that’s why the timing of Porsche’s softening and giving in is so telling and well-written. He resists until Kinn says ‘sorry,’ and then he unbends. What, exactly, is Kinn sorry for, and how does he plan to amend his behaviour going forward? As an apology, his sorry is pretty much meaningless, but what it does is give Porsche an out. He can now tell himself, ‘well, I didn’t let Kinn scare or force me into having sex. I haven’t been raped. I resisted until he apologised, and then I changed my mind.’ But in fact there hasn’t been nearly enough work done to remove the atmosphere of coercion, in the scene and in their relationship as a whole.

I’ve tried to describe some reasons why a person in Porsche’s situation might want to have sex. It’s also worth mentioning that sex in this situation could be a fawn response. People often talk about the ‘fight or flight response,’ but I’ve also seen it elaborated to four options – fight, flight, fawn, freeze. Freezing is literally going still, in the hope of going unnoticed, not provoking an attack, or simply because you’re at a loss for what to do. Fawning is an attempt to appease an attacker so that they’ll decide not to hurt you. By the time they get to the handjobs, Porsche has already attempted fight (pushing and slapping Kinn), flight (trying to leave the bathroom) and freeze (turning his back and hunching in). What other option has he got left but fawn? Moreover, as a fawn response, the handjob is incredibly effective. Kinn goes from angry and violent to distracted and adoring in record time, causing some fans to comment on how much power and control Porsche has in the scene. Which, yes, he does, but using survival sex to gain power in a relationship where you might otherwise be powerless is, how you say, not good.

I’m definitely not saying that Porsche was standing there all calculating like, ‘quick, jerk him off before he shoots me!’ I think Porsche’s conscious thought process was ‘yeah, sure, he’s hot, let’s have sex.’ I think Porsche wanted the sex, and I don’t think he’s going to experience it as a violation in hindsight. But I do very much think that all the factors I’ve outlined were there affecting his decision-making process. As long as the person is thinking, ‘sure, I’ll have sex, it’s better than the alternative,’ the atmosphere is coercive and the consent is dubious at best.

And let’s not forget that during this entire scene Porsche is staggering-drunk.

As a bit of a side note, I’ve come across as pretty harsh on Kinn in this whole post, so I want to add here that I think a lot of his behaviour is completely understandable. He starts by blaming Porsche because he suffers from paranoia and is terrified of the people he loves betraying him to his enemies – something that has happened to him before! He prevents Porsche from leaving the bathroom because he realises the interaction has gone pear-shaped and wants the chance to fix it. But a difficult truth, a truth this show tackles well, is that most people who will violate your consent are not doing it for ‘evil reasons.’ They’re doing it because they’re worried, because they just want to talk, because they’re sure you’d like it if you gave it a chance. But it’s still not acceptable to violate someone’s consent, no matter the justification. I think Kinn knows that its next to impossible for him to treat Porsche well for as long as they’re both in the Mafia – as is so often the case, the problem is not individual but systemic. That’s why in ep. 6 he tried to do the right thing and remove Porsche from the system altogether. Now they’re both back in the system, and Kinn is mistreating Porsche again. When he scolds and slaps him, he actually does pretty much exactly what Korn had him did in ep. 5 – punish Porsche for ‘allowing’ himself to fall prey to Vegas and thereby making Kinn look weak. What else can he do, as long as he’s living in this cut-throat world where the only way to stay safe is to ruthlessly project power? He and Porche are going to have to break out of the system, and right the power imbalance in their relationship, if they’re going to get their happy ending, and they’re not there yet.

So, why this long post about coercion and consent? I’ve said that I think it’s totally fine to create and enjoy this kind of scene, and I stand by that, but what does make me uncomfortable is when creators or fans think they’re portraying something that would be ethical in real life, when in fact they’re not. I’m fairly sure that the creators of KinnPorsche know what they’re about, but there’s still that little dash of unease. I think this is why I’ve actually been shipping VegasPorsche much more than KinnPorsche. Partly because I’m a contrary bitch who never ships the canon pairing, but also because Vegas is the villain and is framed as the villain, and therefore I can be positive that I, the creators and my fellow fans are all on the same page about his actions being bad. Whereas when the romantic lead does something bad, there’s always that little moment of, ‘wait, was I meant to read that as good because he’s the romantic lead? I wasn’t, right?’

This is also why I liked it better in ep.5 when Porsche was totally taken in by Vegas, than in ep. 7 where he seemed mistrustful of him throughout. I mean, partly because I wanted to watch him feel BETRAYED when the man who seems friendly turns on him, and it’s less fun if he’s suspicious of Vegas from the get-go. But also because it really drove home the message that Kinn needs to do better. So far, he and Vegas are very similar. They’re both members of the mafia, they’ve both killed people and condoned torture, they’ve both violated Porsche’s consent and autonomy. The only difference between them is that Kinn feels conflicted about his actions and carries the potential for change – but his conflicted feelings don’t mean jack to Porsche unless and until he actually follows through on them. The way Vegas was able to win Porsche over with a little fake kindness underscored that if Kinn wants to be better than Vegas, he has to do better than Vegas. Meanwhile, in ep. 7, Vegas was still performing his nice-man role perfectly – being a considerate host, an effective planner, a team player, a brave fighter; yes he was doing torture and murder but everybody including Porsche was joining in with that – and yet was met with constant distrust from Porsche, while Kinn, who was still behaving badly, was met more favourably. It started to feel very slightly as though the difference between them is not who behaves better, but rather who is The Love Interest and who is The Villain. And because Kinn is The Love Interest, he is allowed to do things, like kissing drunk!Porsche in bathrooms, that are Bad when The Villain does them.

Overall this is a very fiddly nitpick and I think there are plenty of in-universe justifications for Porsche’s discomfort around Vegas that aren’t ‘Porsche has fourth-wall-breaking-knowledge of who the villain is.’ I just have an insatiable hunger for Porsche smiling all gooey at Vegas before he gets betrayed.

Anyway, I hope I have not flown too close to the discourse-sun with this one. Let’s end with something that I, anon, and any readers can surely all agree on: that we did indeed get to see some really attractive dudes.

[reidyoulikeabook]

12%

Part of Amelia’s 200 follower celebration!

Request: Angst prompt #47 with Spencer (why is it so hard for you to believe me?)

Word count: 1.5k (this got out of hand slightly)

Warnings: Mentions of schizophrenia, canon-typical violence, arguing. Can’t think of anything else! Loosely based off the events of 6x19, if you’re interested!

A/N: I am steadily working through the rest of the 200 follower celebration asks and should have them all up in the next 2 days! Thank you so much to everyone whose sent them, I’ve really enjoyed writing them :) (and feel free to send me more from the prompt list, i’m always open to them!)

i had a request for this same prompt with Emily so if you sent that ask: don’t worry! i have a different idea for it that i’m super excited to write !!!

The case was rough. Ben, the unsub who was suffering with hallucinations, had gone for Spencer’s neck with a knife. Spencer had been trying de-escalation tactics, reassuring Ben that if he put the knife down then everything would be fine. Unfortunately, it seemed he’d heard something else.

He'd lept towards Spencer, knife raised in his hand. You acted on instinct. The bullet left your gun, hitting Ben in the shoulder and knocking him down. Spencer was on him in an instant, pressing his hands over the wound.

“We need an ambulance!”

Hotch had told you you’d made the right choice. If you hadn’t taken the shot, he would have.

So why then, does it feel like you’ve done something so wrong?

Spencer doesn’t speak to you the whole ride back to the station. Hardly acknowledges you as you pack up your belongings, snatches the file you give him and shoves it into his satchel. The others pick up on it, of course, but daren’t say anything. As much as they enjoy lovingly sticking their nose into your business, they know to keep out of your fights.

He doesn’t sit near you on the jet. Instead, he takes a seat at the back, whispering to Morgan in hushed tones. You sit on the couch with Rossi, who does his best to involve you in the card game he’s teaching Seaver.

Once you’re back at the BAU, Spencer has to speak to you.

“Are you coming home with me?” You ask.

“Yeah.”

“Are you actually planning on speaking to me anytime soon?”

“Once we’re home.”

His ominous tone stokes the anxiety in your chest. Nodding, you wipe your clammy palms on the side of your trousers. It doesn’t sound good. He’s never used that kind of tone with you before, no, you fight clean. None of your fights ever devolve into angry shouting, there’s such an emphasis on communication that you’re realising now that maybe anger on him doesn’t look the same as on everyone else. Anger on Spencer looks cold.

The car ride back is tense. You try to put some music on, just the radio, to alleviate some of the thick tension. Spencer switches it off immediately.

You squirm, a little uncomfortable in your seat. Feeling Spencer’s gaze on you, you wonder if he’ll say anything. Then he looks away again, pretending to spot something out of the window. Cold.

***

You’re hardly through the door, his satchel not even hung over the back of the dining room chair before the words are out of your mouth.

“Are you mad about Ben?”

He huffs out a laugh, “Yeah, _____, I’m mad about Ben.”

“Why?”

“You shot him.”

“He was going for your neck, I didn’t have much of a choice.”

“I was trying to calm him down.”

“His hallucinations were clearly in control of that situation. Not you. You’re the only one who doesn’t seem to be able to see that.”

“I could have calmed him down.”

“No you couldn’t, Spencer! Just because you know how to deal with your mother doesn’t mean you know how to deal with every unsub we see who has hallucinations.”

You regret the words as soon as they leave your mouth. They’re the only ones you’ve said that get a reaction from him though, his teeth sink into his lower lip and he shakes his head, as if amused. He’s clearly not.

“Don’t speak to me about my mom.”

“It’s relevant. Why the hell else would you have taken that case so personally? You were distracted by thinking about your mom and you were not thinking responsibly. You were acting recklessly because of your own personal vendetta. You put your gun down Spencer, you stepped towards him, you didn’t know if any of what you were doing was working. I’m not trying to undermine what you’re capable of, but you got too close today. You took a risk that I don’t think you’d have taken with any other unsub.”

“He’s not like the other unsubs,” He snaps, his voice full of venom.

“I’m not saying he is,” You say, “This wasn’t his fault. He’s sick and he needs help. I’m not blaming him. I’m criticising your judgement.”

“Yeah, you are criticising my judgement.”

You raise your eyebrows, “And what is that supposed to mean?”

"If it had been Morgan, or Hotch, or Rossi you would have thought about it before shooting. But no, because it’s me you thought I needed the protection.”

“So that’s what you think is it? I overstepped because I don’t have faith in you or your ability to protect yourself?”

“Yeah.”

“Emily died a month ago, Spencer. A month ago, one of my best friends died on a case she ran off to handle alone. Forgive me for not wanting my boyfriend to be next,” You spit, throwing your coat over the back of the couch and storming towards the bedroom, “Forgive me for not wanting you to surrender your life to every unsub you feel sorry for.”

“What if it was me?” He asks, his voice breaking slightly, “What if that had been me?”

You turn around, throwing him a quizzical glance. His arms are folded defensively across his chest, gaze directed at the floor.

“What?”

“What if I was Ben? Would you have shot me?”

“Spencer what-”

“Schizophrenia is genetic. That could just as easily be me a year from now. I’ve been having those headaches that none of the doctors can figure out. This could be the start. So what if that had been me? Would you shoot me?”

“No,” You take a step towards him, hurt searing in your chest as he takes one back, “No, Spencer, of course I wouldn’t hurt you.”

“You hurt him.”

“Spencer, I would never hurt you.”

“Right.”

“Why is it so hard for you to believe me?”

“Because I just watched you shoot a guy who was sick! He was sick ____, he didn’t want to hurt anybody!”

“He killed four people Spencer! He had a knife to two kids throats when we came in! He tried to kill you! I’m not saying it was his fault but you can’t make out like he was innocent, or like he wasn’t a threat in that situation. He needed help. He was dangerous to himself and other people.”

“What if I was?”

“What?”

“That’s why it’s so hard to believe you,” His voice cracks, “What if I was a threat in that situation?”

“You said it yourself,” You say, stepping towards him again, “That there are a lot of different types of schizophrenia. Only around 12% of people who develop it actually commit any kind of violent crime.”

“Why do you know that?”

Your eyes lock, and a lump forms in your throat. Fuck.

“I looked up some things about schizophrenia.”

He curls into himself tighter, his knuckles white from how tightly they’re balled up under his armpits. The revelation seems to physically wound him. Realisation settling over his face that this was something you’d thought about. A possibility you’d considered. Somehow it makes him feel sick. The sturdy back of the front door is the only thing keeping him upright.

“I don’t think you’re gonna get it Spence,” You try, “You’re 29. It usually hits people in their early 20′s. You’re past the point of being able to get it.”

You know he knows all this. It’s useless information, but the silence is too much to bare, the hurt in his eyes is too much to bare. You open your mouth again to speak, to try to explain, to try to tell him that you’d only done it so you’d know how to help him if the time ever came. That all you wanted was to love and support him, that no matter what happened you’d always be there to get through it together. You’ve told him so many times before and somehow he still doesn’t seem to believe you.

“What if I was going to hurt Morgan?” His voice cuts through your thoughts.

“What?”

“You said you’d never shoot me. What about if I was going to hurt someone you cared about? What if it was Morgan?”

“I would never hurt you.”

“Obviously you don’t believe I can promise you the same.”

“Spencer it’s not like that.”

“You looked it up! You were researching the statistics! It’s obviously something that’s crossed your mind and we saw today that you protect the people you love from whatever you think is dangerous. And what’s dangerous could be me. You know that.”

The look on his face is heartbreaking. The fear in his eyes, the way his cheeks pull as he sucks on them, trying to keep in the tears. He’s so afraid of himself. So afraid of what he could become.

“Spencer I don’t believe you could ever be dangerous, I don’t know how you think I could ever think that, I-”

“Maybe I should go,” He says, cutting you off.

“Spencer.”

Before you can finish the thought, he’s yanking the door open, disappearing through it. You know better than to go after him while he’s like this, better than to disturb him when it’s clear he needs time. Sitting down on the couch, you fold your knees up against your chest. Waiting for him to come back so you can explain to him again how much you love him, how you could never be afraid, how you’re by his side through it all.

As the tears spill down your face, you start to wonder how many times you’ve had this exact same fight. How many times he’s refused to believe you. How he constantly pushes you away out of his own fear about himself. And then, as the sobs wrack your chest, you wonder: how many more times can I do this?