#alvin’s descent into madness

[alvinmichaelmurphyseville]

“I checked out every book on computer coding in our school library today. Libraries are such handy places to glean new information.”

“I predict I will become a coding wizard. I can feel my neurons firing! I cannot wait to code the mathematical strategy game I have developed.”

“Simon is concerned I may be going “off the deep end.” I think he’s simply jealous of my increased ability to focus.”

“Jeanette has been avoiding me recently. I guess she’s probably busy with her other classes. She doesn’t even say much to me in AP science though, which is weird.”

“Urgh. I cannot let thoughts about my girlfriend distract me from my coding. Those feelings are too complicated and irrelevant for me now.”

[worldofwardcraft]

Getting down to his last one.

June 12, 2023

Even at the best of times, Donald Trump has never been what you might call a stable individual. More than a few mental health experts have commented concerning his obvious psychopathologies, including grandiose delusions, malignant narcissism and sociopathic tendencies. But Trump's descent into full-blown madness truly began when he lost the 2020 presidential election and was unable to overturn his defeat through lawsuits, lies, threats, fake electors and even a violent coup.

Incapable of accepting that loss, Trump retreated into a fantasy world in which mass voter fraud stole his victory, the FBI spied on his campaign, and all investigations into his business and personal activities were meritless and politically motivated.

How nuts was he? According to the Atlanta Journal Constitution, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) told a grand jury last year that if somebody had told Trump right after the election that Trump ballots had been stolen by aliens, Trump would’ve believed it.

But it was Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg's 34-count criminal indictment for falsifying business records that accelerated his psychosis and sent him over the edge in an all-caps rage.

WHY WON'T BRAGG DROP THIS CASE? EVERYBODY SAYS THERE IS NO CRIME HERE. I DID NOTHING WRONG! HE IS A SOROS BACKED ANIMAL WHO JUST DOESN'T CARE ABOUT RIGHT OR WRONG NO MATTER HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE HURT. THIS IS NO LEGAL SYSTEM, THIS IS THE GESTAPO, THIS IS RUSSIA AND CHINA, BUT WORSE. DISGRACEFUL!

Then came the announcement he would be indicted in Miami on federal charges related to his theft of secret government documents. Following a previously unsuccessful attempt by his lawyers to get DOJ Special Prosecutor Jack Smith to call off what he calls "the boxes hoax," Trump went absolutely bonkers.

Reports are the Marxist Special Prosecutor, DOJ, & FBI, want to indict me on the BOXES HOAX, despite all the wrongdoing they have done for SEVEN YEARS, including SPYING ON MY CAMPAIGN.

He followed up by freaking out over Biden having "1,850 boxes in Delaware that he won't allow anyone to see." For the record, these are unclassified senatorial materials that Biden donated to the University of Delaware in 2012.

Now, with the unsealing of indictments for espionage and obstruction last Friday, Trump is fully in the grip of paranoia, ranting that AG Merrick Garland, US attorneys Lisa Monaco and Matt Colangelo, "Deranged" Jack Smith, Smith's wife and President Biden are all "Trump Haters" and "There is no way they can treat me fairly." Revealing that this is a man who's thoroughly terrified. And totally losing it.

[laresearchette]

Saturday, January 06, 2024 Canadian TV Listings (Times Eastern)

WHERE CAN I FIND THOSE PREMIERES?: LOVE ON THE RIGHT COURSE (W Network) 8:00pm

WHAT IS NOT PREMIERING IN CANADA TONIGHT? THE INCREDIBLE DR. POL (Premiering on January 11 on Nat Geo Canada at 9:00pm) THE INCREDIBLE POL FARM (Premiering on January 11 on Nat Geo Canada at 8:00pm) OWN SPOTLIGHT: OPRAH & TARAJI P. HENSON (TBD - OWN Canada)

NEW TO AMAZON PRIME CANADA/CBC GEM/CRAVE TV/DISNEY + STAR/NETFLIX CANADA:

AMAZON PRIME CANADA TIGER 3

CBC GEM DINO RANCH (Season 3)

CRAVE TV ALVIN!! AND THE CHIPMUNKS (Season 4) PAT THE DOG – SPECIALS

NHL HOCKEY (SN) 1:00pm: Flames vs. Flyers (SN) 4:00pm: Panthers vs. Avalanche (CBC/SN) 7:00pm: Leafs vs. Sharks (City TV/SNEast) 7:00pm: Rangers vs. Habs (SN1/SNPacific) 7:00pm: Canucks vs. Devils (CBC/SN) 10:00pm: Sens vs. Oilers

NFL FOOTBALL (TSN/TSN3/TSN4/TSN5) 4:30pm: Steelers vs. Ravens (TSN/TSN3/TSN4/TSN5) 8:15pm: Texans vs. Colts

NBA BASKETBALL (SN Now) 7:00pm: Celtics vs. Pacers (TSN2) 8:00pm: Bucks vs. Rockets

MURDAUGH MURDERS: THE MOVIE (Global) 8:00pm: Alex Murdaugh is the head of a family-led legal dynasty in South Carolina; his family's hidden crimes begin piling up as Alex attempts to conceal his own financial felonies and he falls into a dark spiral.

LOVE AT FIRST LIKE (Super Channel Heart & Home) 8:08pm: Sparks fly between a cynical journalist and a handsome celebrity who offers dating advice for women.

READY TO LOVE: MAKE A MOVE (OWN Canada) 9:00pm (SERIES PREMIERE): Four single women from "Ready to Love" move to New Orleans for a chance at romance and are greeted by matchmaker Tamica Lee and a surprise singles mixer; tension brews when two women choose the same man for a one-on-one date.

DECISION TO LEAVE (Crave) 9:00pm: A detective investigates the unnatural death of a man in the mountains and begins to develop feelings for the murder suspect, the man's mysterious wife.

NIGHTRIDE (Starz) 9:00pm: A small-time dealer tries to pull one last deal with cash borrowed from a dangerous loan shark. When the handover goes wrong, he races against the clock to find his missing product and secure a new buyer before the loan shark finds him.

PARASITE (Crave) 11:25pm: Greed and class discrimination threaten the newly formed symbiotic relationship between the wealthy Park family and the destitute Kim clan.

JOKER (CTV) 1:05am: Isolated, bullied and disregarded by society, failed comedian Arthur Fleck begins a slow descent into madness as he transforms into the criminal mastermind known as the Joker.

[silveny-dreams]

Sil’s Unlocked Experience That No One Asked For

So. This got long. Oops. I’m chalking it up to Sil’s Poor Planning When She Types As She Reads.

(Yeah, this is gonna be purely spoilers. Spoilers only. Spoilers galore. Literal quotes from the book included. You have been warned, thoroughly. If you click the read more and have the audacity to get mad at me for spoiling Unlocked for you, I will merely laugh.)

Anyways. Here is a post ten times longer than you needed it to be. I had ~Thoughts~.

FIRST THINGS FIRST, YALL.

SIR. ELWIN. HESLEGE. THE MAN FINALLY HAS A SURNAME

I would lay down my life for Elwin Heslege and here are some reasons why:

“Grow strong, new little Wanderling. You hold some very precious DNA” the only Sophie’s third father I truly care about, tbh

“In the category of Proof That Things Keep Getting Weirder Around Here” Sir Elwin Heslege how does it feel to know you invented comedy also would you please accept my hand in marriage

In an official health record for Sophie, he notes “I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT’S GOING ON!!” verbatim, in all caps, two exclamation points and everything.....Sir. Valid. I have been there, my dude.

The man would lay down his own life for Sophie Foster and I cannot give him any higher praise than that

Anyways beyond my love for Sir Elwin Heslege (!!!! Still pumped about the surname reveal!!)

Maruca! Chebota! She’s got a surname too!! Finally!!!

Totally forgot that Biana being a third child would have been scandalous if she hadn’t been a Vacker—must be nice being practically elven royalty lol

“A Crush, A Kiss, and Crushing Heartache” lmao rest in pieces Dexter Alvin

I Will Not Forgive Keefe For Redacting His Middle Name From His Registry Records And That Is A Promise (Keefe Cassius Sencen seems more and more likely every day)

Keefe Sencen has literally forty pages of detention records and I’m not surprised but also I definitely laughed

The chaotic descent into madness witnessed in Dame Alina’s principal comments on Keefe’s detention record as time continued on....chef’s kiss

Tam Dai Song and Linh Hai Song....make it make sense, Shannon

Was an entire section speculating on wyl*nh really necessary in Linh’s registry record, Shannon 🙃 was it 🙃

Wylie! Zoran! Endal!

(My phone autocorrected Endal to “end all” and I was like “haha............hang on a second I need to get Shannon on the phONE—”)

Tiergan!! Alenefar!!!

GRADY AND EDALINE SUGGESTED AS WYLIES GUARDIANS I WILL CRY ABOUT THIS FOREVER CAN YOU IMAGINE? I AM ALREADY THINKING OF THE HEADCANON

“Prentice’s close friend (Sir Tiergan Alenefar)” bruh.......bruh.

Stina Destry Heks (also. the way I giggled when “Stina” autocorrected to “stone” at first)

“In a more recent investigation, one report did suggest that the real reason Timkin was able to return to Foxfire...was because he [REDACTED]. And if that’s true, then perhaps [REDACTED]” DO NOT PLAY THESE GAMES WITH ME, SHANNON.

Marella Adene Redek of Fluttermont is registered for the match despite being a pyrokinetic and while given her flirtiness I’m not surprised can you hear me screaming about it anyways

“Anyone directly related to any of the registered pyrokinetics was labeled as a bad match to halt the spread of their genetics, and the ability detecting session at Foxfire now specifically forbids any exercises that might make a prodigy detect heat”—I love love love this as a plot point because it is so unbearably shitty and unfair and I love seeing how cleverly Shannon has built a world that elves think is perfect but it clearly isn’t and I cannot wait to see Sophie demolish and dismantle the entire matchmaking system to get justice for her friend anyways I digress I will get off my soapbox now

Words do not describe the frustration I felt at reading “Brant [LAST NAME REDACTED FOR SECURITY]”. I will eat your doorknobs, Shannon. Do not test me on this

“While the crowd’s initial reaction [to Marella’s reveal as a pyrokinetic at the Celestial Festival] was shock (the collective gasp was loud enough to make many ears ring)” MARELLA SWEETIE YOU ARE A QUEEN TURNING HEADS WE LOVE THIS FOR YOU

I would lay down my life for sparkly blue-green stuffed kelpie Sir Splashyhugs, the first reported emotional support stuffed animal

(Team Give The Whole Squad Stuffed Animals Keeps Winning And Winning, I Tell You)

GRADY. HOWELL. RUEWEN. I AM GOING TO LOSE MY MIND

👀 Edaline Ruewen? You had an assignment given to you by the Council? Care to spill, sis?? Hello???

YALL. I have THEORIES. The Ruewens barely needed any convincing to take Sophie? There was a “brief pause, an exchanged look” between Alden and Grady before Grady agreed? BRUH. You cannot convince me Alden didn’t say something to him telepathically. And my current working theory absolutely has something to do with Jolie.

EDALINE! KELIA! RUEWEN!

“Former caretaker of Brant [REDACTED]” !!! Brant!!! Where are your parents!!!! Why is your name redacted!!!!! I will get my answers or die trying!!!!!!

“SHE’D BEEN ASSIGNED TO ONE OF THE COUNCIL’S MOST FRAUGHT SITUATIONS” E X C U S E ME SHANNON SAY MORE RIGHT NOW

“THE COUNCIL SUSPECTS THAT SOON [REDACTED]” SHANNON IF I DONT GET MY ANSWERS I WILL BE THROWING ROTTEN FRUIT AT YOUR H O U S E

EXCUSE ME??? ALDEN DEDRICK VACKER?????

................................

Do I even need to explain to you what his middle name sounds like

Do I even need to explain the theories racing through my mind right now

I’m going to lose my mind. Shannon. You’ve killed me. This is it. My death. I’m going to go insane

You’re telling me this man married his 201st match recommendation and was engaged to Alina, his 104th recommendation.....did we know he was engaged or am I insane and just forgot

Della Adara Vacker. Queen.

Literally how did Alden and Della get together I need answers

“The Council opted to take her up on it [her request to be appointed emissary], having her look into [REDACTED] and [REDACTED]” bruh.........Shannon how u gonna tie up all ur loose ends if u keep ADDING INFO

“Della did inform the Council that [REDACTED]” Shannon is literally just toying with me now. She is doing this on purpose.

GISELA MINETTE SENCEN WHY IS THAT NAME SO PRETTY BITCH I WILL TEAR YOU APART also I hate that her middle name and my middle name sound so similar someone shoot me

Shannon is going to have to sit there in her wrongness on some of her pronunciations of things and be wrong and get used to it. VES-purr-ah. I ask you.

Do we know what a Chief Mentalist is already or am I sensing more complications Shannon will get to explain later under duress

My dearest s c r e a m e d when she saw the art of Bullhorn. She screamed “YESSSSS” aloud. It startled me into nearly dropping the book.

Wow we love that Laura’s way of interpreting that humans are “less stunning” than elves was to draw Sophie’s human family as chubby. Like. I get that literally in canon they are not skinny models, but. Come on. Bruh. Seriously. I’m tired.

Laura Hollingsworth has no fucking clue what Forkle looks like and she can get used to being wrong about it

My dearest said verbatim “she can only draw one face” and honestly? Correct

That being said....I saw her renderings of Linh and Livvy and Oralie and was reminded that I am, in fact, super not straight

ANYway

We love Shannon for reminding the fandom that the elven world is flawed on purpose! You’re doing amazing, sweetie!

Anyone else wondering whether Blur (who is widely theorized to be Jensi’s brother) is also Councillor Darek or am I reaching

....I’m reaching, it’s because he’s a phaser and I’ve gone so long without any aNSWERS, SHANNON

Swirled? White silver and gold?? Leaping crystals??? Hello????

How long before Keefe Sencen (or the Neverseen, take your pick) steals one of those, place your bets now

Shannon Messenger Drop Your Starkflower Stew Recipe Challenge

.....why does the art of custard bursts look like mini Victoria sandwich cakes what is this utter nonsense

Keefe Sencen’s affinity for butterblasts is valid and correct and I stand by it and also I want some

I amend my earlier statement. Shannon Messenger Drop A Comprehensive KOTLC Cookbook With All The Recipes For All The Elven Foods Challenge Because I Just Ate A Whole Meal And All Those Food Descriptions STILL Made Me Hungry

Biana doing a fashion section? Tam and Linh on Exilium? Flori on gnomish vegetation? Delightful.

Fitzroy Avery Vacker on sports is my new favorite I’m not taking any questions. Fitzroy Avery Vacker, popular but awkward jock.

The twiggler illustration is even better than I imagined, god bless Dex Dizznee

The STUFFED. ANIMAL. SQUAD. ILL CRY I SWEAR ILL DO IT DO YOU SEE THOSE CUTE LIL ILLUSTRATIONS

I will probably never again see the words “the unmapped stars” and not immediately go “Ah. Nattie” in my brain so that’s where we are on username permanence

On that same note I’ve been doing a double-take every time I see the name Silveny so we love that for me

Sophie’s 👏 codenames 👏 for 👏 her 👏 friends 👏

DIMPLES 😭 SPLASH 😭 DONT TOUCH ME

“Sometimes I wonder if the real reason the Black Swan won’t tell me what they’re planning is because they don’t actually have a PLAN” girl. You and me both. (“but at the same time...I kinda think it might be better” I....nah)

Me, reading Sophie’s description of Gethen, getting to the part about a crescent-shaped scar from a dog bite: good boy, Lodie

I can and will be making lushberry juice before all of this is over. We will conveniently forget whether I decide that it will be adult lushberry juice or not

Not to be dramatic but Keefe Sencen is so fucking sappy and also REALLY bad at deflecting the trauma with humor even though he tries so damn hard and I’m sorry I know it isn’t cool to like Keefe Sencen anymore but I have never once claimed to be cool and I do I like Keefe Sencen a lot so there

this novella is seriously only a third of the book. Just. I’m both glad for Shannon because that means she definitely got more sleep and hopefully felt less stress about plotting this year

But also. A third of the book

Anyway

NOT GONNA LIE—I HAVE BEEN WONDERING IF GISELA WOULD WORK WITH WHAT KEEFE ALREADY HAD. I THINK I AM CORRECT, FELLAS

Give Keefe Sencen His Voice Back In A Dramatic Little Mermaid-Style Fashion 2K20

I almost put 2K21 but I am impatient and refuse to wait that long

Well. Guess he won’t be in a coma for the next year.

Would that have been better, I wonder

Also

Not me sighing in resignation that there still seem to be more questions than answers

Gettin tired of this lil song and dance, Shannon

However

Please god in heaven Shannon give me more Grady and Keefe moments in the future because that was The Shit, Yo

Also. The amount of Keefex I got in this book. The Lord said “maybe I can’t give her answers but I’ll make sure her heart isn’t just sad”

Please Let Me Be Able To Trust Glimmer Thanks Very Much Shannon

Well it’s 1:37 AM here so I’m gonna go to bed and then instantly regret this post in the morning ✌️

[baisleyarts]

Smh, I feel like Dagur blamed Hiccup for letting him rot in jail like he never known him. There must have been a time when Dagur screamed at Hiccup all the things he endured because of him, Stoick and Alvin and not finding a more appropriate punishment (not when they fell in love, I mean, they MUST have argued about it one time Dagur couldn't let that slide like Hiccup wasn't in a wrong)

There were definitely those festering feelings that needed closure, some wounds being stuck in an island couldn’t heal. Lotsa pour your heart out sorta convos they had. Hiccup definitely acknowledged his part in Dagur’s descent to madness and his issues. But by the Allfather himself, Hiccup would make it right. Cuz, despite their issues, he loves that man to all the realms and beyond.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Upcoming Project: Best & Worst of Decades

For the next four years, I am going to do one huge list a year (among other lists and reviews) of the Best, worst, awesomely bad, and most underrated films of the decade. This year’s list is going to be the 2000s. If you have any film from the 2000s - be it a moderately long short film, TV movie, DTV movie, or theatrical release - send it in and I’ll consider it for a place somewhere.

Here is my current picks for each segment:

THE BEST

Black Dynamite

WALL-E

Ratatouille

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

The Princess and the Frog

Kung-Pow: Enter the Fist

Kung Fu Panda

School of Rock

Elf

Donnie Darko

Sin City

There Will Be Blood

The Incredibles

Oldboy

Shaun of the Dead

Brokeback Mountain

Moulin Rouge

Anchorman

V for Vendetta

The Incredible Hulk

Gladiator

Treasure Planet

Clerks II

Revenge of the Sith

Fellowship of the Ring

The Two Towers

Return of the King

The Dark Knight

District 9

Memento

Zoolander

Waltz with Bashir

28 Days Later

Tropic Thunder

The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie

Kill Bill: Vol. 2

Johnny English

Bubba Ho-Tep

Shrek 2

Watchmen

Holes

Ed, Edd, and Eddy’s Big Picture Show

Speak

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Step Brothers

Shrek

Unbreakable

Battle Royale

Coraline

Repo! The Genetic Opera

Forgetting Sarah Marshall American Psycho

Cloverfield

Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny

Punisher: War Zone

Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical

The Powerpuff Girls Movie

Disturbia

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

Wedding Crashers

Casino Royale

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle

Van Helsing

The Emperor’s New Groove

Dodgeball

Mean Girls

The Lost  Skeleton of Cadavra

Bad Boys II

Let the Right One In

The Notebook

Stardust

Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind

Pokemon 3

Children of Men

Zombieland

Up

Saw

Remember the Titans

The Devil’s Rejects

Sky High

Batman Begins

Godzilla: Final Wars

The Departed

Team America

Minority Report

Shoot ‘Em Up

300

Transformers

Lilo & Stitch

Atlantis: The Lost Empire

Spirited Away

Downfall

Sweeney Todd

Monsters Inc.

The Hangover

One Hour Photo

The Host

The Prestige

Spy Kids

Lucario and the Mystery of Mew

Zodiac

Superbad

United 93

The Punisher

Hot Fuzz

Orphan

X-Men 2

Our War Game

Dardevil: The Director’s Cut

The Descent

Bruce Almighty

Borat

Big Fish

The Road to El Dorado

Spider-Man

Spider-Man 2

Taken

Wet Hot American Summer

Get Smart

50 First Dates

The Ringer

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

Meet the Robinsons

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Inglourious Basterds

Lo

Hellboy

Dog Soldiers

Scary Movie

Napoleon Dynamite

Equilibrium

Dead Man’s Chest

Iron Man

Freddy vs. Jason

Red Dragon

No Country for Old Men

Curse of the Black Pearl

Finding Nemo

The Passion of the Christ

Hellboy II

Giant Monsters All-Out Attack

Ice Age

Kill Bill: Vol. 1

Prisoner of Azkaban

Pan’s Labyrinth

National Trasure

National Treasure: Book of Secrets

Spy Kids 2

Enduring Love

THE WORST

Logorama

The Love Guru

Hey Arnold: The Movie

Eragon

Teeth

The Muppts’ Wizard of Oz

The Human Centipede

Hounddog

The Golden Compass

Inkheart

Secret Window

Taintlight

Cat in the Hat

Men in Black 2

Quantum of Solace

Evan Almighty

Yu-Gi-Oh The Movie

Ace Ventura Jr.

Feast

Deadgirl

Christmas with the Kranks

Paranormal Activity

Crash

Chicken Little

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Session 9

The Master of Disguise

Catwoman

The Haunted Mansion

Dragonball: Evolution

Rent

Chicago

Atlantis: Milo’s Return

Mulan II

Home on the Range

Wanted

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Drag Me to Hell

Saving Silverman

Ultraviolet

Shrek the Third

Shark Tale

Disaster Movie

Epic Movie

RV

Pearl Harbor

Super Size Me

Attack of the Clones

Bowling for Columbine

Thomas and the Magic Railroad

Interstella 5555

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Resident Evil: Extinction

Lost in Translation

The Squeakual

AWESOMELY BAD

Snakes on a Plane

Southland Tales

Dungeons & Dragons

Freddy Got Fingered

Ghost Rider

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon

The Room

The Gingerdead Man

Spy Kids 3D

Battlefield Earth

The Happening

The Wicker Man

Pootie Tang

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer

Sharkboy and Lavagirl

The Spirit

Dreamcatcher

Meet the Spartans

UNDERRATED

Alien vs. Predator

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

Igor

Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Stuart Little

Over the Hedge

Cars

Monster House

The Stone of Cold Fire

Spider-Man 3

Hoodwinked

Death Proof

Titan A.E.

Bee Movie

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Brother Bear

Sinbad

Sky Captain

Big Fat Liar

A.I.

Click

Paul Blart: Mall Cop

Night at the Museum 1 and 2

[jonjordanforrealz]

Elfpocalypse Now: Redux, Volume 1

Not even a day. Mere hours into this season’s elfscapades, his wrath can already be measured.

With December 1st on my mind all day yesterday, the opportunity to meet up with an old friend, in town from out of state, was most welcomed. I had long planned to retrieve our red-breasted malcontent at some point prior to my outing but, naturally, the mind games were on and I forgot. As I sat down at the bar, waiting for my friend, satisfied with a week’s work, excited about a few new adventures possibly coming my way, a text from my better half reminded me of the score: “Did you get the elf?” Of course. 1-0 demonchild.  “Fear not, fair maiden,” I responded (or something to that effect). “I shall procure the relic upon my triumphant return this evening.”

Naturally, this meant ascending a ladder and navigating the attic after an evening of moderate drinking, but if you’re not good at that speedball-level of dangerous-type of fun, why be good at anything? Around 11:30 pm, I pulled into my driveway, backed out the other car from the garage, grabbed the ladder, and up I went. I had four Christmas boxes to choose from. (Not bad, right? I mean, Mrs. Jordan IS Christmas crazy for sure, but at least she’s only four box-crazy. Granted, these boxes are all stuffed to the gills but hey, a win’s a win.) Could I be lucky enough to find this shithead on my first try? Nay, nay, Mr. J! Well, poo. On to Box 2 ... Lights, ornaments, glitter scattered everywhere, children’s artwork from years gone by ... No elf. Box 3: Stuffed animals, a dancing Santa (who I remember having clothes at one point, but they appear to have vanished since who-knows-when), Alvin and the Chipmunks (because of course) ... No elf. Box 4: A wreath. A plastic wreath, I should clarify, which reminded me of the time my lovely lady tried to make her own wreath out of my Christmas tree clippings, which lasted about a day on our door before it fell apart. I laughed, she got mad. She’s good at so much that she doesn’t really take not getting an A+ on anything very well at all ... Some other shit was in there but I don’t know what because guess what? No elf. Keep in mind, I’m sitting on my ass, up in my attic at this point. I’ve gymnastics-style hoisted myself up there, off of the stepladder, with nobody awake inside and I’d had more than one beer ... Not the safest, I get it. But hey, I’m an animal.  As I start to think of where the little prick might be, I recalled that, earlier in the day, I reviewed the original version of these chronicles, which included some language about “swiftly stuffing Hermie (oh, do I hate that name ...) into my suitcase and out of my life forever - or at least until next year,” or something like that. Forgetting that I had actually written all that TWO years ago, and distracted by the fact that I actually SAW a suitcase right in front of me, I went through all of the zippers and pockets and hidden compartments and, you know, found nothing. So back to the boxes I went - a circuit of Boxes 1-4, four or five times over. Everything in these damn things, just about, is wrapped in some sort of protective material and while I know Lord Hermastophales is nestled in a plastic bag, it all feels the same, now after midnight, up in the attic of Casa Jordan. Unable to find my target (though I did find that creepy-ass ornament that bears his likeness, which did nothing but piss me off) I begin to think of a contingency plan and settle on his once-and-again holiday compadres, Alvin and the Chipmunks, as potential designees in his place, should I fail in my mission completely.  “I’ll write a poem,” I thought, “explaining that Hermie got sick and he asked that Alvin stand in for him on Day 1 but he’ll be here soon.” Attic sweating now (and yes, that’s a term) I’m coming up with rhymes that end in “got a cold” and “friends of old” to tell my first big lie of the 2018 holiday season, as I frantically tear through all the boxes one last time ... Fingers don’t fail me now ... Behold! Plastic! It’s a Target bag! And outwardly, I exclaim, “You little fucker!” and threw his ass down to the garage floor 15 feet below (or maybe 12 feet, or 10 ... I don’t know. I don’t do math.) Since I’ve torn up the attic at this point, I can’t attempt my final descent just yet, because I’ve buried the attic access cover in Christmas boxes, insulation, tissue paper, glitter, sweat (and maybe even a little fear-induced piss, if I’m being honest). And so, our hero had to clean up his mess and cover his tracks a bit (in case the lady, as she helped with the decoration retrieval on the morrow, were to detect a hint of his slobbery - never good, he’d found, over the years!) This cost us another 15 minutes or so and by the time I got down (alive, somehow) it was 12:30. The elf from Hellf was placed neatly on top of the box containing our new TV - something I’ve not yet found time to install, thanks to my obsessing over this renewed yuletide war of attrition against an inanimate imp from Hades - with a hand-written note saying, “Sorry I ate some of your Halloween candy, kids. Cool new TV! Be a good listener for Santa! Love, Hermie.” I hate myself. Ever an honest man, I’m okay with admitting a deficit of 1-0 at this point ... But I’ve already taken my pound of flesh. And I will not falter between now and Jesus’s birthday, I swear to the old gods and the new. Until next time.

[nofomoartworld]

How Israel's Most Influential Choreographer Created a New Language of Modern Dance

Screengrabs by author

A documentary eight years in the making has been released—and with it, audiences get a glimpse into the extraordinary life of choreographer, Ohad Naharin in the film Mr. Gaga. With a reputation among the dance community as one of the most innovative and influential choreographers of our time, Naharin has been on the cutting edge his entire career. His choreography is brave, liberating, and always surprising—its detail speaks to a deep understanding of the human body.

Partly due to a serious back injury, Naharin had to learn to take care of his body and move within its pain. The movement language he developed is called Gaga, and it’s less of a technique than a constantly evolving attitude towards dance: Naharin explains that he’s never invented anything, only discovered these ways of moving.

After growing up in a kibbutz and serving in the Israeli army, Naharin began his dance training at Batsheva Dance Company (where he is now artistic director) in his twenties, very late in dance terms. When the great Martha Graham came to visit Batsheva, she singled him out and invited him to work with her in New York. It was clear from the start he was something new. He trained for a bit at both the School of American Ballet and Juilliard, dancing with Graham and later with Maurice Béjart. But he grew dissatisfied and ultimately left them to start his own company with a group of international dancers, including his wife, the Alvin Ailey star Mari Kajiwara who died very young. Leaving the entourage of such pedigree names was a bold and surprising move. But to him, it was much less dramatic than it seems: “I was just doing what I was doing,” he tells The Creators Project. “Following curiosity, the ability to not have a long term plan, and to feel that I’m doing something meaningful and recognize when I’m not.”

While the dancing may sometimes appear wild and unhinged, there is deep mindfulness to the way Naharin approaches and speaks about dance. To him, “research method and spontaneity live in the same room. You think about spontaneity as living in the moment, but living in the moment is never without remembering where you come from. And where you come from is your research.”

Practiced both by the highly professional dancers in his company and non-dancers in open classes, Gaga is intensely human and accessible to everyone. When performed on stage, it is characterized by supreme physicality, inventive form such as people falling off walls into darkness, and spontaneous collapses onto the floor, and almost maddening repetition. He says, “Gaga is not about losing control. It’s about finding freedom within better perspective.”

The director Tomer Heymann, met Naharin quite serendipitously when the former had just moved to Tel Aviv as a young man and was swept away by the power of Naharin’s art. Heymann’s lens into the life of Ohad Naharin creates a film about the tension between individuality and community, the relationship between life and art. Along with Heymann, we fall in love with the art first, then learn about the man behind it, but we always come back to that original powerful movement. Throughout the years, the two have grown close and Heymann sees Naharin’s attitude as an inspiration to young artists: “It’s very hard to be individual these days,” he muses, “we have this illusion of connection between all of us. We listen to the same music, we admire the same people, we see the same TV show, and then you think—no, I need to find my own language. It’s about courage.”

The film is ultimately explanatory, and those who claim to prefer not knowing the artist’s biography will be proved wrong. Naharin is so thoughtful about his work that getting a glimpse into his mind deepens our understanding of the dance. Though combining film and dance is treacherous—documentaries feed on drama, but dance is ultimately abstract. Heymann describes it as a “fight between the two mediums.” There is plenty of emotion and catharsis to go around in Mr. Gaga—and it also happens to be beautiful.

Mr. Gaga will be released Feb. 1. For tickets to see Batsheva Dance Company perform at the Brooklyn Academy of Music, click here. Find Gaga classes in your area here.

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