#although this feels a lot like when i was sick around my birthday

[masked-disciple]

I wish every single drop of menthol a very die.

[kaleldobrev]

Aren’t You Forgetting Something?

Pairing: Soldier Boy/Ben x F. Reader

Feat. Character(s): Reader, Soldier Boy/Ben, Hughie Campbell, MM & Nan (Reader’s Grandmother)

Original Prompt: Requested by anon | I gotta tell you that not only I love your writing but I love your series writing, specifically. When something new drops I’m always happy to read it before going to bed because I somehow feel connected to the characters, like I know them! I love to keep up with them and I love Ben’s and Y/N relationship so much. I’m in the mood for some angst between them tho, maybe Ben forgetting her birthday and receiving a silence treatment? I don’t know, but I trust you.

Summary: Ben forgets one of the most important days in yours and his relationship — your one year anniversary

Word Count: 4.6k

Warnings: Cursing (40x), Forgetful!Ben, Ben making fun of Hughie for the umpteenth time, Implied violence, Lots of angst, Fluff, Vulnerable!Ben & Implied Smut at the end

Authors Note: Takes place in the Hughie’s Best Friend is Dating Soldier Boy Universe | I changed it from birthday to anniversary, so I hope that's okay my anon friend! | Takes place after After Everything | I had a lot of fun looking up 1950s fashion for this | There will not be a second part to this but I will still be adding to this universe | This came out a lot longer than I expected it to, but I had a lot of fun with this | If you liked this, don’t forget to like & reblog. I really appreciate it! Feedback is always welcome ♡

⋆ Hughe's Best Friend is Dating Soldier Boy Masterlist ⋆

You never thought that this day would ever come, but it was finally here: yours and Ben's one year anniversary. It was a milestone that you never thought would come, as the relationship between the two of you wasn't always easy. It was rocky, and sometimes very, very messy. But despite all of the messiness, you loved him unconditionally, and he loved you just the same, but showed it in his own unique ways.

Ben wasn't the kind of person to verbally say, "I love you," as his love language tended to be that of a physical nature. He would do chores around the house that you hated to do — despite him having it too. He would bring things back from missions that reminded him of you — often those objects being covered in someone else's blood; and he would kiss and smack your ass every time you were in his path, no matter what either one of you was doing.

Although you love those physical actions, you hoped that maybe one day you would be able to hear him utter those three little words you had been yearning to hear — and maybe, just maybe, today was that day.

Since Ben was away on a secret mission that you weren’t apart of since you were sick at the beginning, you took this whole week that he was away in order to plan what you were going to do for him the day of. Initially, the two of you agreed that you really weren't going to do anything special to celebrate, but the more you thought about it, the more you realized how important this milestone truly was; not only for your relationship, but for the two of you individually.

Although it was only a year, your relationship with Ben was the longest you've ever been in. Not that you've had many previous relationships, but every single one you had previously never really lasted long (you were lucky if it lasted two months), as they either did not understand the whole vigilante justice objective of The Boys, Butcher somehow scared them off, or they were (funnily) threatened by Hughie.

But Ben was different in this way compared to your other relationships. He understood the vigilante justice, he understood your hatred for Vought, and he wasn't threatened by Hughie in the slightest (Hughie was actually threatened by him). Despite all of his flaws, he was perfect in his own way.

When it came to the Ben side of things, you were not his longest relationship by a long shot, but you were the first and only person to have genuine feelings for him. Those genuine feelings being something that no one had seen coming — not even you. But he was someone that gradually turned into becoming the person you had wanted to spend the rest of your life with, despite how strange that sounded to most people.

Your plan for the big day was simple, but felt like it would be special enough to really honor and celebrate the relationship. You had planned to make his favorite dinner: steak and mashed potatoes. For dessert, favorite pie: pecan. And dress in the style of a 1950s housewife, as that was a style he had never once seen you in before.

Even though you have made his favorite dinner and dessert hundreds of times before, dressing up as a housewife was something that was definitely beyond your comfort zone and expertise, so you went to the one person that knew could help you best: your Nan.

Despite the style of the housewife fashion basically being obsolete, it was a look that she adored, and dawned on even years after the style had become out of fashion. Her hair was always neat and never out of place, her lipstick always the deepest shade of red, and her dresses always the brightest of hues. You remembered seeing pictures of her back when she was your age and she was a knockout (Ben agreeing), so when you told her that you wanted to dress in the housewife style, she beamed and quickly went to her closest to pull out the nicest shade of red that perfectly matched your skin tone.

“Just don’t do anything sexual in this dress. I’ll never be able to get the stains out,” she told you with a wink. Her comment causing you to roll your eyes.

“You’re just as bad as Ben,” you told her.

Ben was eager to get back home to you, as this mission was taking a lot longer than he had anticipated. It was supposed to be a quick and easy assassination (something he had done alone hundreds of times before), but one thing after another kept going wrong, and he couldn’t help but blame “his team.” He felt himself getting more and more agitated by the second, and there was nothing he could do about it, especially because you weren’t here to help him take the edge off.

Even though rough sex with you right now would be the highlight of the mission, he wished that you were here to at least talk to him, because you were one of the only people he knew that he could have an actual conversation with that wouldn't end up with him being annoyed.

He paced back and forth, with shield in hand; the only sounds between him and the rest of the group were the occasional snicker and his heavy boots. “You’re making me nervous walking around like that,” MM said, behind his binoculars.

Ben rolled his eyes, stopping a few feet away from him. “Then what would you suggest I’d be doing right now? We’re just sitting around doing nothing.”

“Is there somewhere else you need to be? Cause we’re here to do a job,” MM replied, removing the binoculars from his eyes and turning in Ben’s direction. “And we’re going to be here as long as it takes to do this job.”

“I’d rather be in Y/N’s pussy or ass right now, but because you guys are all somehow getting worse at your jobs, I can’t fucking do that right now,” Ben said, grinning an annoyed grin.

His comment caused mixed reactions from the group; but mainly disgusted looks from MM and Hughie. Butcher and Frenchie on the other hand, looked indifferent about his comment. “I really wish you’d stop mentioning how much you like fucking my best friend. It’s getting…weird,” Hughie commented.

“Fucking pussy,” Ben mumbled to himself.

With the pie cooling on the counter, and with dinner almost ready, you felt your heart beating faster than normal. Was it normal to get this nervous about anniversaries? To you, it felt like another day with Ben, but that’s not the way your heart and stomach was making you feel.

As you looked at yourself in the mirror, you almost didn’t recognize yourself as you dawned red lipstick, and a matching shirtwaist dress you had borrowed from your Nan. But you couldn’t help but wonder what his reaction was going to be as this was something he’d never seen you in before. Yes, he’d seen you dress up a handful of times, but it was in a modern style of dress — sweetheart and plunging necklines with a slit riding up the thigh; not this style which was something he hadn’t seen in decades.

You smiled though, thrilled with your appearance despite the nerves you were feeling. Your hair perfectly styled similar to that of Rosie the Riveter and deep red lipstick that was in a similar shade to your dress. The last thing to complete the look were pearls — your mothers specifically.

Finally covered in a thin layer of blood, sweat, and ash, the mission was finally over, and a huge sigh of relief washed over Ben. In just a few short hours, he would finally be home to his girl. “Fucking finally,” he said, mainly to himself, as he placed his gun back into his holster.

He looked over to his left, and Hughie was standing there with ripped clothes, he too covered in a thin layer of sweat, blood, and ash, holding a gun with his usual slightly constipated look on his face.

As Ben was about to walk away, as he didn’t really want to wait up for Hughie, he sighed, knowing that you’d want him to ask how he was doing in this moment, although he couldn’t give two fucks. “Hey,” he said, and Hughie looked over at him. “You good?” He asked.

The look on Hughie’s face changed; it was no longer the look of constipation, but slight annoyance. “Am I good?” He asked, his hands falling to his sides; the gun slightly hitting him in the leg. “What part of — yeah. I’m fine. Just, just peachy.” His tone radiating sarcasm.

“Awesome,” Ben grinned, giving him a thumbs up as he started walking away; being careful not to trip over any debris. “You comin’ or what?” He called out, as soon as he left the room. “I ain’t gonna be late because of you.”

Hughie’s face changed again to that of a puzzled one. “Late for what?” He asked, but quickly shook his head. “Actually, don’t fucking answer that because you’ll probably say something disgusting.” A loud, booming laugh from Ben could be heard down the hall in response.

As you sat on the couch watching tv, your nerves were starting to get the best of you again, and you were beginning to second guess your decision in wearing this outfit. You thought that it would be a special surprise for him to see you dressed like this, since it was something you usually didn't wear, but at the same time, maybe he wouldn't even notice or care. You weren't entirely sure if it was because he was a guy, or because he's been around such a long time, that he'd seen and done everything, and there was nothing that remotely fazed him at this point in his life.

Staring at the door, you got startled suddenly from the sound of your phone ringing. There was a small part of you that hoped it was Ben, but it was your Nan. Taking a deep breath to collect yourself, you answered the phone. "Hi Nan, how are you?"

"Hi Sweetheart. Has Ben seen you yet? How'd he like the pie?" She asked, her voice sweet.

"Ben's not home yet, but he should be home soon," you told her.

"Okay dear. Well, can you tell him hi and give him a big kiss for me? I always thought he was so handsome back in the day. He still very much is. Aged like a fine wine," she chuckled to herself. "But don't tell your grandfather," she chuckled again.

"Yes, I'll tell him hi and kiss him for you," you said, quietly laughing to yourself. "You know he's always happy to hear from you," which was the truth. He was always happy to humor her and reminisce about the good old days, even if he had heard some of her stories numerous times before.

As you heard the door unlock, you smiled widely. "Nan, I have to go. Ben just walked in," you said.

"Okay Sweetheart. Happy Anniversary!" She said happily. "Don't do anything I wouldn't," she chuckled again, before the two of you hung up the phone. There's not a lot of things Ben wouldn’t do, you thought.

"Fuck it's good to be home," Ben said, walking into the house and placing his shield next to the door. "I swear, your friends are getting worse at their jobs somehow, cause I probably would have been home fucking sooner if — Fuck, look at you." He finally looked up now, and you were standing there in an outfit that he had never once seen on you. It was something that he hadn't seen in decades in fact; and the biggest grin appeared on his face.

You didn’t move a muscle toward him, but he heard your heart beating like a jackrabbit. The sounds of his heavy boots walked across the floor toward you. “Do you like?” You asked, and you gave him a small spin; the dress slightly flowing as you did so. “Thought I’d do something special. Different.” You smiled, practically beaming with excitement. He wondered what the occasion was.

“Haven’t seen one of these in fucking decades,” he said, slightly reminiscing with a grin. He looked you over, eyeing you up and down, one of his fingers hooking into the belt loop of the dress. “What’s the occasion?” Your once beaming smile slowly faded into a frown. “What?”

“You seriously don’t know?” You asked, your voice slightly irritated sounding. He hadn’t had the foggiest idea what made today so special, other than you dressing differently than you normally did.

He looked at your face, trying to obtain some kind of hint, but he had no clue. But your heart was racing faster now. You were pissed — and he didn’t fucking understand why. “No, I really fucking don’t,” he said. “Why don’t you tell me? I’m not a fucking mind reader Princess.”

You let out a huge huff, rolling your eyes at him. As much as he thought you were cute when you were pissed, he didn't like it when you pissed at him. "Un-fucking-believable," you said, pulling away from him.

"What?" He asked, still in utter disbelief.

"Your favorite fucking dinner is on the fucking table along with your favorite fucking pie. I'm going to bed," you said, your voice angry as you stormed off into the bedroom, slamming the door. Two seconds later, the door opened again. "You're sleeping on the couch tonight," you told him, and slammed the door again, promptly locking it behind you.

You knew the lock wouldn't be able to keep Ben out, as he'd be able to bust open the door with barely any effort; but you knew he wouldn't remotely try to come into the room, as he knew not to come in when you locked it — thankfully, he was starting to understand boundaries.

You couldn’t help but be angry, upset, and frustrated. But at the same time, you weren’t remotely surprised that he didn’t remember. It was something that neither one of you initially wanted to make a big deal about, but between this being your longest relationship, and the last person he celebrated an anniversary with gave him up to the Russians, you figured why not make this day special after all?

It took everything you could to hold back the tears as you started to remove your makeup; feeling like it was an utter waste of time. It didn't take you that long to do this, but you went through some effort looking up tutorials online to try and be as 1950s authentic as possible, even asking your Nan for tips on how she used to do her own.

The mascara started running down your face, as you tried your best to scrub it off. But it was barely getting removed, which only frustrated you more. You pounded the dresser, and let out a muffled sounding scream.

A small knock came at the door a few seconds later. "Sweetheart, you okay?" Ben asked, and you scoffed.

"Fuck you," was the only response you could muster up in the moment.

"Ouch," you heard him mumble. "Can we...talk?" His voice hesitant.

"No. Just leave me alone Ben," you said, and you could hear sadness in your voice.

You heard him let out a frustrated sigh. "Alright," and the sound of his heavy boots walked away from the door. He sounded frustrated too.

As Ben ate his dinner that you had made for him (his favorite no less), he tried to figure out why you were so unbelievably pissed at him to the point that you refused to talk to him. Yes, he’d seen you pissed numerous times (either at him or about something else), but you’d never been so pissed to the point that you’d completely shut him out — and that terrified him.

Like usual, he started going down the list of things that he knew pissed you off: not taking his boots off in the house, tracking mud into the kitchen, getting blood on the furniture, doing coke on the kitchen table, crushing Bennie’s on the marble bathroom counter. Maybe it was the boot thing? Yeah, it had to be, he thought.

As you lied in bed staring up at the ceiling, you sighed heavily, wanting more than anything to unlock the door and invite Ben to come in and cuddle with you. It had been almost a week since you’d last saw him, and you just wanted to feel his skin against yours. But you didn’t want to give in — you earned the right to be pissed, even if it wasn’t particularly fair to be, since you agreed not to make it a big deal. Then again, he did forget your anniversary.

You heard a knock at the door again, and you sighed an annoyed sigh. “Go away,” you said.

“I think I know why you’re pissed at me,” Ben said. Your eyes lit up, and you sat up straight in bed, eager for him to say Happy Anniversary. A smile formed on lips, waiting. “I forgot to take my boots off when I came into the house,” and then your smile faded.

“Fucking Christ,” you mumbled, falling into the bed again to stare up at the ceiling.

“Is that a no?” Ben questioned.

“That’s a no,” you responded, annoyed.

“Son of a Fuck,” you heard him mumble, as he walked away from the door again.

As Ben sat on the couch flipping through channels, he continued to think about what you could possibly be this pissed about if it wasn’t the boot thing. Women are so fucking complicated, he thought. Weren’t this fucking complicated back in my day.

He stared at the couch, sighing in annoyance as he didn’t want to be sleeping here tonight. He wanted to sleep in bed with you; something he had been looking forward to the entire week he had been away from you. He looked forward to holding you close, and making you feel safe, tracing patterns on your bare back like you did to him. He honestly didn’t know what he was going to do if he didn’t figure out why you were mad; because he loathed when you were mad at him. It was a time that made him feel the most unease and insecure, and he was rarely insecure and uneasy.

Ben hadn’t known you for long, but you had managed to somehow worm your way quickly into his heart. You were someone he felt a strange connection to the moment he laid his eyes on you; and you were the one person that made him feel safe and loved. You were the only one that he felt he could be his true self around.

He thought of ways in which maybe you could forgive him, and started working on those; one of them being washing the dishes from his dinner even though he preferred you to do it. But he hoped that maybe this small gesture would help in his favor. Maybe I can go down on you? He thought. You always forgive me after that. Then again, I don’t let you come until you do…

As he made his way back into the kitchen, he stopped dead in his tracks, as he noticed something on the calendar that for some reason, he hadn’t noticed previously. Today’s date was circled with a single sentence written in your handwriting: 1 Year Anniversary.

“Fuck,” he said to himself. “I forgot our fucking anniversary.”

Ben stared at the circled date on the calendar, mentally cursing himself because he had forgotten it by accident. It was a day that he meant to remember, and even repeated over and over again while they were heading to the mission. But because it had taken so long to complete, it left his mind, because it had become entirely mission focused.

You’re never going to fucking forgive me, he thought. This was how he was going to lose you. Panic started to set in for him, realizing that he might have to live the rest of his miserable existence without you; and that was something he couldn’t bear the thought of. Ben didn’t need a lot of things, but he knew that he needed you.

Tossing and turning, you were having a hard time trying to fall asleep. You wanted Ben to be lying next to you right now, caressing your hair, and feeling his rapid heartbeat. It was simple moments like those that you enjoyed most with him; because sometimes you would forget all the awful and horrible things both of you had done in order to meet and to get to this point. If Grace hadn’t recruited you, you would have never met the love of your life.

The love of your life: now that was a sentence you never thought you’d ever equate to Soldier Boy. He was someone you grew up having a crush on since you and your father had watched his movies on repeat to the point you had to buy another VHS tape because you’d worn it out. He was someone you wished you could have met because he was always your favorite (partially because he was also your dad’s favorite).

But he was a Supe, and you had told yourself that you’d never end up with one after what had happened to your uncle, but here you were, dreaming of spending the rest of your life with one.

You sighed heavily, and ended up on your back again. A knock came at the door again, and you turned to face it. “I forgot our anniversary, and I’m sorry,” Ben said, and you cocked a brow. His words seemed genuine, and hurt at the same time. “I tried to remember; I really did but…the mission took full focus.” You heard him sigh, and you knew how hard this was for him, as apologizing was something he wasn’t particularly good at, since Vought basically taught him to never apologize for anything. “I don’t want to lose you over this. I….fuck,” he mumbled. “Can you please open the door so I can look at you?”

He heard you getting up out of the bed, slightly sighing. He could hear your heartbeat, and it was music to his ears despite the rapidness of it. He heard you unlocking it, his nerves starting to show as he tapped the wall next to the door.

You opened it up gently and stared at him through the crack of it. Your eyes slightly puffy from crying. He felt his heart drop, hating that he was the one that had made you cry — he never wanted to be the one responsible for that. “Sweetheart,” he began. “I know I fucked up.”

“Did you actually remember, or did you look at the calendar?” You asked him, your voice barely audible even to him.

“I looked at the calendar,” he admitted. “But to be fair, I really did try and fucking remember. You can ask your friend. I was saying the date on repeat, and then the mission got in the way 'cause they weren’t doing their fucking jobs properly.”

“Hughie can back that up?” You asked, and he nodded. He hoped that you wouldn’t ask him, because he wasn’t sure if he would actually corroborate his story or just fuck him over.

“He fucking hates me, I know he wouldn’t back me up,” Ben added. “I make fun of him too much. But it’s hard not to, I mean look at him.”

“I’m not going to break up with you if that’s what you’re worried about,” you said, hopefully reassuring him. Because even though he gave off the attitude that he didn’t need anyone or anything, you knew you were the only person he needed. You were the one person Ben could rely on no matter what; and you couldn’t bear the thought of what would happen if something bad had happened to you, or if your relationship ever ended.

“I don’t like it when you hate me,” he whispered. “You’re the one person I couldn’t bear to have hate me.”

“I don’t hate you Ben,” you said, reassuring him again. “I could never hate you.”

“Even if I killed Hughie?” He asked, slight teasing in his voice. But you gave him the look, and his teasing smile quickly faded. “Right. He’s off limits.” His hands finally went up in the air, as if he was surrendering. “I’d never kill him, don’t worry. I don’t actually mean it.”

“I wanted to do something special for you, even though we agreed not to make it a big deal because I figured this was a milestone for the both of us. You’re the longest relationship I’ve ever had, and the last person you celebrated an anniversary with gave you to the Russians.”

“I gave her a fucking diamond necklace too,” he mumbled.

“Ben,” you began.

“Sorry, sorry. Look, I want to make it up to you,” he said. “Let me start by —”

“Going down on me?” You questioned, cocking a brow.

“Well…yeah…I mean, don’t you like when I go down on you?” He asked.

“Yeah of course, but I was kind of hoping for something else than the usual way,” you confessed.

“Like what? Me saying I love you or something?” He asked.

“Don’t say it just because you think that’s what I want to hear. I want you to say it because you actually mean it.” It was three little words you had longed to hear for a while. And even though he had said it, he said it in a way of a question, because he thought it was words that would make this situation all better; almost like putting a band-aid on a huge gash.

“You know how I feel about you. I thought it was obvious when I first saw you,” he said. “When I first saw you, I thought you were a fucking knockout. I mean, I pictured you sucking and bouncing on my cock so many times before you actually did.”

“If that was supposed to sound romantic, it failed,” you said; barely humoring him in the moment.

He sighed, slightly rolling his eyes. “What I’m trying to say is, I may not be perfect, but there are five things that I know. Numbers one to three, I love your boobs, ass, and pussy. Number four, you’re the only person I ever fucking need in my life, and five, I love you. And I’m not just fucking saying that. I really fucking do. And you know how fucking hard that is for me to say cause the last person I said I love you to was a fucking bitch.”

Ben looked at your face, trying to find any hint of what you may be thinking. But he didn’t have the foggiest idea. All you did was stare at him with those big eyes of yours, looking at him like a lost puppy. “You said it,” you whispered, almost in disbelief. “You actually fucking said it…Ben…”

That’s when you wrapped his arms around him, finally feeling your small embrace. A grin formed on his face as he wrapped his arms around you in response. It felt nice to say it to you and say it to someone that he knew actually appreciated him. He let you see another side of him, a side that he would never let anyone besides you see. “Can I go down on you now?” He asked, speaking into your hair. You let out a small laugh, and felt you nod into his chest.

Without a second going by, he picked you up and slung you over his shoulder, happily bringing you into the bedroom.

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[zsupika]

Love and Deepspace x Reader

> general relationship headcanons

A/N: I've been in the lnd fandom for a few weeks now and I'm so obsessed of this game. Keep in mind these are just some random things that I have in mind when I think of them in a relationship.

>> My requests are open if you have any ideas!

Characters: Xavier, Zayne, Rafayel

Xavier

I imagine him as a very caring boyfriend

He'd listen to what you have to say and whenever you have something that troubles you, try and find a solution

His favorite sleeping position has got to be spooning you with him being the big spoon

He just loves to embrace you and know that you're safe in his arms

While laying like that he loves to breath in your scent

And while you're asleep, he plays with your hair and softly glides his fingers along your skin

It calms him down, especially after aonh day of fighting wanderers

He also likes to go on missions together with he

He won't admit it but whenever you get assigned with a different partner than him, he gets so jealous

He just loves to spend time with you

He's more a listener than a talker

Through the entire year he takes notes on the things that you mentioned you wanted to have

When your birthday comes up he buys all those things for you!!

Although he loves to spoil you on valentines day with flowers, chocolate and lots of kisses, he doesn't really see a point in the day specifically

He buys you flowers every once in a while and doesn't understand why there would have to be a whole day dedicated for it

But if you see it as important, he definitely puts up an effort to make you happy and see a smile on your face

He always blushes when you get him something in return!

He prefers to give, more that receive

He also makes sure that you're nicely relaxed after a mission

While you sit on your chair he might come up from behind and give you a soft shoulder massage and some neck kisses to ease your mind and body

I imagine him to smell like lavender and fresh laundry

His favorite drink has to be iced coffee and water

In winter he'll also drink a hit chocolate with you

He loves to add cute toppings and make it delicious

Zayne

As we all know he's a doctor and always very busy

You see him a lot less than you would the other two boys

He appreciates it when you come to the hospital and visit him on his breaks

You'd remind him to relax and take it easy every once in a while

It makes him smile to know that you care for him so much

Him not being able to see you as much makes him sad, so he tries to make the few dates that you go on extra special

He always consideres your wishes and does whatever you desire

You want to stay home with him and watch a movie? Sure, he'd love to. You want to go out to a fancy restaurant? Yeah, he's down.

He has a hard time expressing his emotions with his words, so he's definitely more of a "actions over words" kinda guy

His love language would equal to "acts of service" and "quality time"

His hugs and kisses feel very intimate, because it's his way of expressing his emotions to you

He adores the fact that you understand him so well and that you respect his boundaries

He's a morning person for sure

He likes black coffee

For you he always makes sure that you're healthy

Whenever you get a little sick, he's always worried about you and tries to prevent it with all that he can

It makes you chuckle how much he can get worked up over a little cold

Once you get better he makes sure that you stay healthy and happy

Rafayel

Starting of with a very basic headcanon but I think he'd paint you

But not in the way in which you might think

He wouldn't only paint full on portraits of you but he'd incorporate you into his art in a very different way

He'd draw the landscape of your favorite places

He would use your eye color as the background color of a beautiful still-life

You being around him would inspire him to draw freely without any restrictions

Your laugh would make him move his brush in the same rhythm

Sometimes he'd let you help him with a painting

He also loves to go and search for different ways to create paint with you and look for ingredients

I think even though he's very sassy and bold most of the time, when it comes to intimate moments he'd be rather shy

He blushes a lot!

And definitely has a hard time keeping eye contact with you in those moments

His kisses are more soft and caring than you might think at first

In my eyes he'd be the furthest thing from rough in any intimate situations

He holds you as if you were a fragile piece of glass that could break at any second

He feels like you're the only one who he can let his emotions out on, without feeling judged

Loves sleeping on top of you like a weighted blanket

Slightly snores but not very loud

It's more of a heavier breathing

As we know he's very ticklish

When you two are playfighting you can definitely take advantage of that

He'll be a whining and whimpering mess

Do with that what you want

[buzzcutlip]

Cracks and Gaps - The Cat Shrine (part III) Carmen Berzatto x Fem!Reader Explicit 8539 words

A/N: This chapter is a bit longer than I expected but it's also packed with stuff that needs to be said and done. Plus! I believe this part offers all we've been waiting for iykwim

THE CAT SHRINE "Carmen!" You snap your fingers next to his ear.

"Yeah," he replies, blue eyes melting into yours like ice daggers.

"You're not concentrating," you accuse, huffing.

"I am!"

"You're so not."

Shaking your head, you put your phone down, tired of trying to show the chef the progress The Bear has made in its social media presence. You don’t think it’s important for him to know all the details, but he should be fully informed.

"You haven’t even downloaded Instagram, have you?" you ask, already knowing the answer.

"Uhm…" Carmen shifts uncomfortably, guilt written all over his face.

"I knew it!" you exclaim. Although you want to be strict, wanting him to know you take your work seriously and wanting him to acknowledge it, you start laughing when you see the long face he’s pulling. He looks like a dog caught peeing on the rug.

"What’re you laughing at?" Carmen asks sullenly.

You shake your head. "Nothin'," but you still snicker. You like teasing him a little.

When you calm down, you take a sip of your soda from the funky Superdawg cup and take a deep breath. The parking lot offers no shade, and there’s sweat gathering at your hairline. You watch the two mascots—Laurie and Flaurie, sausages perched on the roof of the drive-in. Thousands of people must have done the exact same thing since this spot opened in the '50s.

"Do you think Nat really wants me at Pete’s birthday?" you ask, your face serious. From Carmen's expression, you can tell he appreciates the change.

"I think so," he affirms. "She wouldn’t have asked otherwise."

"She’s too nice. She knows I would find out about it eventually," you muse aloud. "Like, that would be awkward… I hope it’s not only 'cause of the interview and stuff."

Carmen lights a cigarette, shaking his head. "Bullshit." He always waits to smoke until no one around is eating.

You shrug, faking nonchalance, but the idea of Natalie inviting you out of obligation makes you feel sick to your stomach. You don’t need favors or fawning over.

Carmen blows the blue smoke in the opposite direction from you. "She likes you."

The car hood is hot under your butt, and your cutoff denim shorts aren’t doing much to protect your skin. You shimmy uncomfortably, hissing.

Next to you, Carmen looks down at you, eyebrows raised questioningly.

"It’s hot," you whine, trying to tug the shorts lower.

"You okay?" Carmen checks.

"I’m fine," you sigh. "I’m glad to be baking my ass on metal, actually," you say, picking the last bits of caramelized onion from the paper tray. "I watched The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo yesterday. Listened to way too much of Ethel Cain…"

Carmen keeps looking at you, clearly not following.

"'s dark stuff," you sigh again, being pretty dramatic just for effect. You definitely don’t feel too affected by Nordic crime books or songs about escaping a cult and cannibalism. It takes you somewhere else, mentally. Not a bad place, necessarily.

"Uhm—hopefully the hot dog’s cheered you up?" Carmen asks, popping a fry into his mouth, then wiping his hand with the back of his tattooed fingers. They’re long and graceful, the nail beds clean with minimal hangnails. You want to lick them clean.

You give him a smile. A genuine one. "Yep."

Not just the hot dog.

Carmen’s brows furrow a bit as he glances at you, a small smile playing on his lips despite himself. "You’re hard to read sometimes. Like—hm—I don’t know if you’re joking or not."

"You say that like it’s a bad thing," you tease, giving him a playful nudge. His hand steadies itself on the hood as the sun glints off it, the Chicago heat thick in the air around you.

"It’s not," Carmen says, his tone softer now. "It feels more genuine. Authentic. It’s kinda... nice."

You raise an eyebrow, amused by his awkward sincerity. "Kinda?"

Carmen chuckles, shaking his head as if embarrassed by the admission. "Fine. It’s nice."

You smirk, pleased with yourself for drawing him out of his usual seriousness.

"Nat wouldn’t have invited you if she didn’t want you there, you know," Carmen says, circling back to your earlier worry.

"I guess," you reply, still a bit skeptical. "Just don’t wanna be somewhere I don’t really belong."

Carmen’s gaze hardens a little, a quiet determination settling in his voice. "You do belong."

You meet his eyes, surprised at the firmness in his words. For all his hesitation and self-doubt, Carmen has a way of saying the simplest things with absolute certainty when he means it.

"Okay," you reply quietly.

—

In the late afternoon, you arrive at Pete and Natalie’s house. The sunlight’s casting a warm glow over the tree-lined streets, and you’re grateful that the heat’s eased off and you aren’t sweaty and gross before you get in. The house is beautifully maintained, with a fresh coat of paint, a well-kept yard, and soft music spilling out through the open windows. Pete’s job clearly allows them a bit of comfort. For the first time since you were here, all those months ago, you notice these little details.

As you make your way up the walkway, you notice a stroller parked just inside the entryway, along with a soft baby blanket draped over the arm of a chair near the door—the quiet reminders of Natalie and Pete’s new life as parents. You hear soft baby coos over the sound of conversation, which makes you smile. Yet, it’s a reminder that maybe you yourself should start thinking of this kind of life. A life with a serious partner you might start a family with. Someone you will spend the rest of your life with. Probably. Hopefully.

Inside, the party is subdued yet lively. Guests drift through the kitchen and living room, chatting and laughing. You greet a few familiar faces, but you’re not really that close with most of them. The place is clean and pretty, the opposite of the mess you experienced in May. You quickly spit out your gum into a tissue you find in your pocket.

Richie finds you first, thrusting a glass of mimosa in your hand. You didn’t plan on drinking, but this could help with your nerves. You’re not great in new settings, around people you don’t know very well. Luckily, you’re pretty good with kids and you really like Natalie, so when she spots you, you spend about 30 minutes chatting while a few people gather around you. She gives you the baby to hold, and the little boy dozes off in your arms. When Nat takes him back to put him down in the crib, you excuse yourself from Jimmy’s wife and another older lady to go find water and maybe something small to eat.

The kitchen is quiet compared to the rest of the house, and you’re not surprised to find Carmen there, cutting carrots into precise sticks, his knife moving with calm precision. He doesn’t notice you at first, so you have a moment to take in his wide, muscled back under a thin sweater. It’s a very, very nice back that you would really, really like to see without any clothes.

You shake your head, pulling yourself together.

You clear your throat. “Hi.”

The sound startles him, and he jumps, the knife slipping from his fingers onto the cutting board with a loud clatter. “Fuck!” he mutters, spinning around to see you.

“Sorry!” you hurry to apologize, walking all the way to him. “Did you cut yourself?”

“No, it’s fine,” Carmen reassures you, taking a deep breath. “Hey,” he greets you back, a bit calmer now. He seems a bit surprised to see you.

“So, I find you in the kitchen, of all places,” you say with a smile, leaning on the wall. Under your arm is a thick paper envelope with the fresh magazine issue inside.

“I thought maybe you wouldn’t come.” His expression shifts to something warm, less guarded than what you’re used to. You almost blush at his words, unsure of what to take away from them.

Your fingers tighten around the envelope for a moment before you gather the courage to hand it over to him. “I wanted to show you this today.”

Carmen’s gaze drops to the big envelope, and he takes it from you. When he opens it, he sees himself on the cover, and there’s a pause. The main title reads, "Chef Carmen: The Story That Matters."

You feel a slight flutter of nerves. “I wanted to give you a chance to see it before anyone else. We just received a couple of copies yesterday. It’s not on newsstands for another week.”

Carmen nods but stays quiet, just flipping through the pages. You made sure Nat went over the final images with him, confirming he’s okay with the selection, and with the cover that features him wearing a pair of smart black pants and a white t-shirt revealing his tattoos. You see him skimming the article, glancing at the photos of himself in the kitchen and on the set. There are a couple with the whole team at The Bear.

“It’s… weird,” he says finally, his voice barely above a whisper. “Seeing myself like this.”

You tilt your head curiously. “You’ve been in magazines. Even on the cover.”

“Yeah—just—” he glances back at the pages. “Not with a project that’s as personal as The Bear.”

You nod, understanding. It is revealing. While transcribing the interview and writing the whole feature, you finally had a chance to see through the cracks and gaps and get a glimpse of the real Carmen. The one hiding behind his unapproachable facade.

Carmen shakes his head, chuckling softly. “It’s… a lot. But it’s good,” he admits, his voice soft. He looks back at you, and you can feel the gratitude there, unspoken but genuine. “Thank you. You put a lot of work into this.”

You give a small shrug, trying to keep your own emotions in check.

“I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like I doubted you.” The reference to the bumpy start stings, and you almost grimace. “It’s… it’s everything you’ve done to get us here. I don’t think anyone’s ever believed in me like that.”

You want to say something silly, like, “Oh, I knew you’d be the top chef in Copenhagen already,” but you can’t get the words out. You don’t frequent The Bear as often as you used to. After the incident with Carmen, and even after all the apologies, you agreed they would find a proper social media manager, and you would help occasionally. But now you’ve started meeting Carmen outside the kitchen much more, venturing further into the restaurant world with a top chef as your guide. He’s changed, you think. Maybe both of you have.

Finally, Carmen breaks the silence, letting out a small, almost bashful laugh. “Guess I should, uh, keep this somewhere safe?”

You smile, relieved to feel the tension ease, and nod. “Yeah, please. Maybe show it to them when you’re back at work tomorrow? I’m sure Sydney and the others would get a kick out of seeing it.”

You watch Carmen tuck the magazine back into the envelope, and you feel the moment slipping past you. You clear your throat, gathering yourself before you speak.

“Actually, there’s… this event next week,” you start, fidgeting slightly. “It’s a charity cocktail—kind of formal, for a nonprofit that supports community kitchens. I wanted to ask if you’d come with me.”

Carmen raises an eyebrow, caught between curiosity and amusement. “Me?”

“Yeah,” you say with a shrug that you hope comes off casual. “I mean, you’re on the cover of Taste now, and people will hear about it soon. Thought it’d be nice to… y’know, show you off a little.”

He looks down, an almost shy grin tugging at his mouth. “Didn’t think I was the ‘show-off’ type.”

“Oh, you totally are,” you reply, grinning. “Besides, Nat mentioned you might need to make an appearance or two—good publicity for The Bear and all that.”

Carmen nods, as if he’s already half-resigned. “She has been dropping hints,” he admits, rubbing the back of his neck. “I was going to ask if you’d come with me to it, too. Got the invite a few weeks back.”

“Oh,” you say, raising your eyebrows. “I thought we’re friends now. You should've asked sooner,” and you hope the word “friends” sounds as casual as you intended.

“Okay—then yes,” Carmen says, and there’s a challenge in his voice, his face serious. It’s clear he doesn’t want to seem like someone afraid of public events and social gatherings in general. You do know the truth, which makes you chuckle.

“How fancy is the event, you think?” he checks, sounding slightly discouraged now.

“Not that fancy, don’t worry.” You grin, leaning a bit closer. “Nothing that calls for a tux, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Oh, I can wear a tux,” he juts out his chin, and it’s such a sudden change to his normal demeanor that you feel a bit weak in the knees for a second. Confidence suits him, as you know. And not only while he’s being the Chef.

“No doubt,” you agree with a smile, taking a tray with homemade hummus and carrot sticks from him.

“Oh—I’ve been meaning to ask you,” you remember as you’re both exiting the kitchen with more prepared food in your hands. “How did you survive the photo shoot and interview without any smoke breaks?”

He looks up at you and stays quiet for a moment.

“Nicotine patches. I had to put on three at the same time.”

And you laugh.

—

Carmen picks you up on Thursday at six-thirty. You chew through half a packet of gum while getting ready. A mix of feelings is swirling around in your stomach—excitement, nervousness, and an utter disbelief that you’re so worked up about a professional evening with Carmen.

When he buzzes the intercom, you jump, giving yourself an unnecessary scare, then roll your eyes at yourself. Grabbing a small black purse, you lock up behind yourself and make your way down the four flights of stairs. The air outside is slightly cool from the late afternoon rain, the fresh smell hitting your nose and making you nostalgic.

“Oh my god,” your heart drops to your stomach the second you look at Carmen, who is blankly staring with the most perplexed expression you’ve ever seen. “Have I messed up? Is this inappropriate?” Trying to read more from Carmen’s face, you lift your trembling hands to your mouth. What have you done? Why do you always have to have your way?

You look down at your draped top, barely covering your shoulders, and wide, pleated pants you opted for instead of a more traditional skirt or dress. You’re also wearing high-heeled Mary Janes that bring you to the same height level as Carmen. You hoped he’d get the fashion statement.

“I’m—I can change,” you stammer, turning halfway back to the door, already thinking about what you could swap this for.

As Carmen starts saying, “No, no,” you say, “It said semi-formal.” Carmen reaches for your hand and gently pulls it from your mouth. You’re still confused and freaking out, not understanding anything.

“I just meant—I just wanted to say,” Carmen swallows, “that you look lovely.”

“Oh god,” you sigh heavily with relief, and you both laugh—Carmen a bit awkwardly, and you breathlessly. “Screw you.” You’re pretty sure you feel two stones lighter suddenly.

It’s only later, when you’re both sitting in the back of a taxi taking you to The Field Museum, that you realize what Carmen said. He said you looked pretty. Oh.

—

“This is going to be so awkward,” Carmen says, his eyes never leaving the big, open door with a stream of nicely dressed people heading in through it. The large, Neoclassical building is imposing with its massive Corinthian columns, giving off an air of true greatness.

“Oh, c’mon,” you whine. “I’m actually really excited to see it from the inside without the usual visitors. It’s gonna be fine. You can even get drunk, if you want to.”

“Uh—I don’t really drink,” Carmen says as he finishes off his cigarette, stubbing the end and flicking the butt into the ashtray.

“Maybe tonight you will.” You smile sweetly. Of course, you would never even think of pressuring Carmen—or anyone— into drinking alcohol, but the faded image of the two of you in his houseboat in Copenhagen pops into your head.

“We can just check out Ancient Egypt and go,” you suggest as you watch Carmen fidget nervously from the corner of your eye.

He gives you a tight smile, one that doesn't reach his eyes, then offers you his arm, and together you go in.

The East Atrium is lit up and arranged with round tables and smaller, tall bar tables. It’s a modern addition to the museum designed to blend with the historic architecture. Through the large windows facing the lake, you can see the sun starting to set. There are fresh flowers—hydrangeas, peonies, and tuberose—in the vases decorating the space, and you can’t help but touch the soft petals as you stand by one of the arrangements.

Carmen’s gaze shifts around the room. His arm tenses slightly under your hand, and you can tell he's trying to look relaxed, even as his fingers keep flexing in his pocket. “See? It’s nice in here, right?” you whisper, trying to catch his eye, hoping for a little reassurance that he’s not hating every second. So far, you’ve only met two people you know—clients who regularly advertise in Taste and who did recognize Carmen, pulling him into an intense conversation about cooking stoves. When he spoke to the clients, you noticed his voice was polite but guarded, the rhythm clipped, almost rehearsed. Different from when he talks to you.

Carmen gives a reluctant nod. “Yeah, it’s…not bad.” He scans the room again, and you feel for him, guessing he’s probably trying to uncover any other potential danger. Then he notices the flowers you’ve gravitated toward, and his mouth quirks up—just a bit. “You really like flowers, huh?” he says quietly, watching you brush your fingers over the soft petals.

You grin and shrug. The scent of tuberose mingles with the warmth of the evening, and you get the best idea. “Want to skip the mingling and find the mummies?” you offer, lowering your voice conspiratorially. “I mean, what’s a night at the Field Museum without a little ancient history?”

Carmen lets out a soft chuckle, a rare sound that feels like a victory. “Yeah,” he says, sounding almost relieved. “Let’s do that.” As you make your way across the Atrium, Carmen keeps close by your side, your arms brushing. When he opens the door for you, his hand hovers just above the small of your back, the warmth radiating from his palm seeping into your spine through your clothes. The murmured “thanks” is the most you can do without embarrassing yourself.

—

“My dad is obsessed with mummies. He used to take me here at least twice a year when I was a kid,” you say as you aim your phone camera to capture the sleeping artifact. “I’ve never been here after the closing hours though.”

You send a quick, funny message to the chat group you have with your parents, and put the phone back into your purse. Although the narrow corridors and the displays are the same as they were years ago, it never gets old to you.

“I don’t think my parents took me places,” Carmen says next to you, studying the plaque next to the mummy and its decorated sarcophagus. “To cultural institutes and shit. We spent a lot of time at home, or running around our block.”

You feel a pang in your chest for little-boy Carmy. On the other hand, you know that you can’t judge other people’s experiences and the quality of their childhoods and lives based on yours.

“You’re here now. And you can ask anything. I can pretend to be a qualified guide,” you half-joke.

Carmen chuckles softly, though his gaze stays fixed on the ancient figure in its case. His eyes trace over the faded bandages, the meticulous, centuries-old work of preservation.

“It’s just an illusion. Most of the exhibits we see in museums have been stolen from the original countries as part of colonialism or wars,” you sigh, studying the gold jewelry in a display behind the thick glass. “It shouldn’t be like that.”

“Yeah, it’s kind of messed up.”

Next, you check the Book of the Dead and the reconstruction of the ancient marketplace. Here and there, you bump into other people drifting in from the atrium, taking the opportunity to experience the free exhibition too.

“I think I need a drink after the cat shrine,” Carmen points out once you make it back to the lively space of the Atrium. The glass ceiling reveals that the evening’s turned into night. “It was kinda creepy,” he says with a certain hint of unease. You chuckle, patting him lightly on the back. “I think that’s the point. Cats are guardians of the afterlife, gazing into your soul. Maybe they picked you out for judgment, Carmen.” He shudders slightly, pulling a face. “I’d rather stick to cooking for the living.”

More people approach you as you wait at the bar—old colleagues of Carmen from Ever, hospitality people you’ve interviewed, and Regina, the head of sales from Taste.

Carmen holds the two drinks as you find a table off to the side, both of you grateful for the secluded spot. He slides your drink over to you. The tired look on his face proves he’s not too thrilled about the impromptu reunion with old colleagues.

“Looks like you’ve got a fan club,” you point out. The way Regina was looking at Carmen sticks with you—the way she talked to him. Like she wanted to eat him alive. Or fuck him.

Carmen rolls his eyes. “Didn’t realize it’d be a whole industry meetup. Thought I was off-duty tonight.”

“You couldn't have possibly thought that.”

You mirror Carmen and take a sip of the drink to find out what he’s ordered for you.

“That’s—that’s licorice vodka,” you stammer out.

Carmen nods. “Yeah, can you believe they have it here?” A small, secretive smile plays around his eyes. “Did I hit the target, Copenhagen?” Your eyes widen slightly, caught off guard by the unexpected nostalgia that hits you as you recognize the drink. It’s simple, unassuming, yet oddly perfect—a reminder of countless late nights and blurry memories from Denmark. You can’t believe he’s remembered. “Yeah,” you say, recovering. “You hit the target.”

Instead of pondering more about the reasons, or the lack of them, behind Carmen’s gesture, you look down at your feet, hissing. “Do your feet hurt?”

“Fuck yes. Like hell!” You can’t help but grimace as you shift your weight, feeling the pinch of your shoes.

Carmen watches you shuffle uncomfortably, and he hesitates, rubbing the back of his neck. “You, uh…you sure you’re okay?” he asks.

“It’s fine. I was expecting this.”

You take a sip of your drink again, thinking of what you want to say next.

“Do you do all this because of what happened?” you ask, looking at the floor behind his shoulder.

“What do you mean?”

“The—what happened in the restaurant office,” you add in a small voice, hating to talk about the incident.

Carmen reaches out to lightly touch your hand on the table. “I should've never behaved that way. I was a real dick.”

“That mean yes or no?” you inquire, your heart picking up speed. You don’t know why you’re getting nervous again. “You’ve been super nice to me. And a—a good, uhm, friend.” You say the word ‘friend’ so tentatively it’s almost inaudible in the room. Maybe you hope Carmen’s gonna overhear. It’s such a fragile label of what’s between you.

Carmen actually huffs out a small laugh before he says: “Be nice to nice,” and you lift your head up to glance at him, finding him smiling, so you smile back. You just smile back and don’t say anything else. This is all you need.

—

The next morning, the sun feels harsher than it should. It streams through the blinds, making everything feel just a little too bright, a little too real after last night. You had expected to wake up tired, but what you didn’t expect was the quiet echo of Carmen’s smile and his casual, soft touches lingering in your chest and beneath your skin. Fuck, you think self-deprecatingly. You try to shake it off as you rush to work, but it’s impossible.

During the morning briefing, you keep checking your phone for new messages, but there are none from Carmen. It’s hard not to hope for a follow-up after last night. As innocent and friendly as the whole evening had been, ignoring your growing affection for the chef is impossible now.

When your phone buzzes during your lunch break, a quick glance at the screen tells you it’s Natalie, texting in her usual efficient bursts: Nat: New special menu to be launched tomorrow. Can you stop by The Bear tonight? Nat: Just to check how we wanna communicate it on SoMe. Nothing major! You barely finish reading before the familiar flutter sets in. Nothing major for Natalie usually means chaos in the making. But it’s not her message that has you rushing home after work—it’s the possibility of seeing Carmen again. By the time you’ve touched up your makeup and slipped into a new outfit, your nerves are buzzing. Carmen’s commented on your dresses a couple of times, so you feel like that’s definitely the right choice. You put together a dark blue button-through summer dress with tiny white dots, and a pair of cowboy boots, giving you a look that’s casually cool.

As you get ready, you wonder how Carmen feels about seeing you again so soon after last night. You wonder if he thought about the drink he picked for you, or the way he laughed—so much that his dimples, which you had almost forgotten about, kept appearing by his mouth.

The service is in full swing when you arrive, so you automatically use the back door, heading to the office as quickly as possible through the intensity of the kitchen. You don’t even try to catch a glimpse of blond hair or that familiar white chef’s jacket, even though you terribly want to.

“Looks like it’s already a madhouse,” you say, sliding into the chair next to Natalie in the office. “When isn’t it?” Nat quips, finally looking up with a wry smile. She nods toward the kitchen. “Carmy’s back there somewhere. I told him you’d swing by.” Your stomach does a little flip at the mention of his name, but you nod casually, as if it doesn’t affect you at all. “Okay, let’s see this menu then.”

Natalie starts explaining the dishes, her words efficient but animated, as she describes the seasonal ingredients and the thought behind the pairings. It’s funny how similar the siblings are. Maybe not at first glance, but as you’ve gotten to know them better, you notice the resemblance more often than not.

As if summoned by your thoughts, the door swings open, and Carmen steps out. His brows are furrowed in that intense, focused way that somehow makes him look even more attractive. Your breath catches, and you quickly look down at the paper in front of you, pretending to study the menu notes.

“Hey,” he says, his voice low and quiet, as he approaches the table. He nods at Natalie, then turns his attention to you. His gaze flickers briefly to your dress. “Hi,” you reply, trying not to sound too breathless. “Thanks for coming,” Carmen says, his eyes lingering on you for just a moment longer than necessary before shifting back to Natalie. “So, what’s the plan?”

As Natalie launches into the logistics, you can’t help but steal glances at Carmen. He’s close enough that you catch the faint scent of his cologne, and when his fingers brush yours as he passes a page of notes, it feels electric, sending a spark up your arm. If you’d struggled to concentrate earlier, it’s almost impossible now. And you’re the one who’s supposed to share ideas and opinions.

The whole thing stretches into a menu tasting in the only calmer spot in the kitchen—you taking photos just in case, brainstorming about the introduction wording. Then Carmen and Natalie get into a fight—unsurprisingly—before making up. It’s like being on a swing with them, and the whole environment of the kitchen—hot, fast, frantic—makes it even more intense.

—

Absolutely on purpose, you finish fiddling with Instagram just before 11:30 p.m. in the empty kitchen, getting up when you hear what must be Carmen taking out his civvies from his locker. You take your bomber jacket and a handbag, walking over there.

“Hi,” you say, and Carmen’s head pops up through the hole of his crewneck sweater.

“Hey,” he says back. “You’re still here?”

You nod. “Thank you again for yesterday. For taking me with you.”

Carmen looks up at you from where he’s changing his Birkenstocks for white sneakers. “Didn’t you take me with you?” he jokes.

“It was nice either way,” you say, putting on your jacket and hoping Carmen doesn’t hear the hope in your voice. It’s hard to keep the softness you feel for him out of your words.

Carmen hoists his backpack onto his shoulder. “You leaving too?”

“Yep.”

He holds the back door for you, touching your lower back lightly the way he had yesterday. You bite your lip at the slightest contact, resisting the urge to reach back and touch his hand.

You lean against the wall by the door as Carmen locks up and then lights up a cigarette. You haven’t talked much for the rest of the dinner service, but he seems more relaxed, smiles more often. It has you smiling too.

“What?” he checks when he looks over at you.

You shake your head but the smile persists. “Nothin’... I’m glad it all has worked out,” you sigh with relief and content.

Carm blows the smoke above his head, watching it disappear. “Thanks to you,” he says seriously. 

“No. No, we talked about this yesterday. I don’t need any credit in this,” you’re shaking your head in resolution, a frown forming on your face. “I don’t want it.”

He steps closer, crowding you against the wall, intention flashing in his eyes, and you can't breathe. Can't imagine that the timid chef would want - that he would want you in a way you've been wanting him. 

Carmen gets into your space, and your hands land on his waist, finding purchase on the waistband of his jeans. “Carmy,” you breath out quietly, head tilted down. You don't know what's going to happen but the close proximity to the chef makes you breathless. His hands cradle your face. You only feel the gentle touch, scared to face Carmen fully. But you can smell him again - his deodorant and hair product. Cigarettes. 

He surprises you though. “Why do you always smell like cinnamon?” he mumbles, his breath tickling the baby hair around your ear, his mouth an inch from it. 

“It's the - the gum,” you answer, trying to stay calm despite your heart beating like crazy. Only now you do realize you called him Carmy. It felt right. 

You're not sure for how much longer you can stay still, but Carmen seems to have no trouble dragging the situation out. You are restless, though, you just have to do something. 

So you tilt your face up and you lean up on your tiptoes to kiss him. Just to press your lips against Carmy’s, nothing else. It’s actually more of an act to break the tension than an actual kiss. You feel absolutely stupid a mere second after you are back on your feet fully, Carmen right in front of you, unmoving.

“Am I reading this all wrong?” you ask when the chef remains silent, avoiding eye contact with you.

He shakes his curly head, putting space between you two—unwittingly or not, you don’t want to think about it now—and runs a palm over his face, scratching the back of his neck. His body leaning away, the stupid crewneck pulling tight across his shoulders with the stretch of Carmen’s muscles.

“You’re not,” he says, and you almost feel giddy. You bite your lip to stop smiling. Carmen looks pained and worried, and you don’t want to be smiling.

“Then what’s going on?” you ask, reaching for his wrist and stroking the protruding bones there lightly.

“Just—I just feel like I’m going to fuck everything up.”

Slowly, you sway back closer to him, putting all your own nervousness behind. You lay one of your palms against his chest, hoping it could comfort him, the other one back on his waist.

“You know you are hot—” you say quietly, not quite looking him in the eye, “—attractive.” You correct yourself quickly.

“What?” Carmen says, and you can feel him relax a tiny bit, twisting his hand so it’s holding the one that had been on his wrist.

“You work out. You must know that you look good.” You slide your palm a little lower to the abs hiding under his cotton shirt.

It sounds awfully a lot like flirting, but you don’t even know how to flirt. You are honestly so bad at it. And this is only the truth, anyway.

Carmy’s definitely wearing a blush that’s matching yours. It’s spreading down his neck and lower, where you want to put your mouth.

“I just run. Sometimes. After work,” Carmen stammers a little incoherently, probably feeling like you are expecting an answer, or an explanation. And you know he runs every day, and does push-ups and God knows what. It’s a known fact in the kitchen. That’s how he puts space between “work” and “life.” A divider. Even just so small. You understand it. The need to know where your job ends and you start. You can also imagine that it’s something very difficult to distinguish for Carmen.

“I hate running,” you note, your honest mind is too quick to think twice. “But still—I would really like to kiss you. Properly.”

A car wheezes around you, way past the speed limit, and Carmen stares after it. He takes a visible, deep breath, looking into the street on the right, where the street lamps turn into small yellow, glowing balls. It bares the side of his neck to you, thick and vulnerable, and you can’t not look. A shiver runs through you from the evening chill, or maybe something else, too.

“Can we—would you maybe like to come over to my place?” you ask, probably the bravest you’ve ever been.

Carmen clearly thinks about the situation for a couple of seconds before he says: “Ok. Let’s go.”

You blink once, say nothing, and head toward the L with him by your side.

—

On the staircase, Carmen takes your hand into his, long fingers sliding along the top of your hand. While you're unlocking the door, you wonder if Mikaela left potato peels and apricot stones and orange rinds on the kitchen counter in her so-called open compost. 

“Come in,” you say over your shoulder. The old, brass hanger is by the main door and you hang your jacket there, then take Carmen's to put away there too. “Would you like something to drink?” you ask politely, stalling on purpose. “We have - “ in all honesty, you are almost scared to open the fridge but Carmen is still standing where you left him, by the door. “We have tonic - “ without his friend gin that disappeared on Saturday - “ - or tap water.” 

Carmen's wearing his gray crewneck and in combination with his mussed hair, he looks incredibly soft. “'m fine,” he says, looking at you with his big eyes, looking nervous but somewhat calm. Like he doesn't want to run away, which instantly comes to you as a huge relief. 

You go to switch on the two small lamps placed around the room that you call the living room, which is obviously part kitchen and dining room too. The light makes everything even softer, a gentle sort of atmosphere. Suddenly it's easy to find each other in the middle of the room, right where the sofa with patchwork cushions are. WIthout a moment of hesitation, you kinda meet in the middle, and finally, you get to taste Carmen Berzatto. 

It takes a few slow, lingering kisses to get bolder, and to your surprise, it's Carmen who gently slips his tongue into your mouth first, and you briefly wonder if he can taste the cinnamon from your gum now. Slowly reaching up to put your hand on the nape of Carmy's neck, you feel the delicate golden chain lying against his vertebra. How long will it take to see him wearing only that?

You push him softly in the general direction of the sofa. It's old and too soft, but you love the faded gray upholstery and how homey the simple piece of furniture is. Soon Carmen´s sitting on it with you on his lap. You’re wearing the dark blue cotton dress and your boots that are digging in the sofa by Carmen's thighs. 

Carmen´s not shy, kissing you fully, tilting your head to his liking, stroking your bare arms up and down. You’re breathless on top of him, fingers running through the dark blond curls, giving back as much as receiving. The two of you kiss for long minutes, and you love it. You love how he tastes and how he's touching you, but it's clear that he's holding back. Or maybe it’s just you who is completely overwhelmed with want and need. 

“Are you - are you a virgin?” you dare to ask into his ear, kissing his neck, hiding your face in the crook of his shoulder. 

“What? No,” Carmen says, letting out a breathless laugh. 

“It's fine if you are.”

“No,” he repeats.

“Ok.”

You lean back and take his hand to intertwine your fingers together. You can feel how warm your face is, the rushing of your heart. 

“I just - just haven’t done anything. In a while,” Carmen says while looking at you, and he´s blushing, the apples of his cheeks darker than seconds ago. 

“Me neither,” you reply in the same hushed voice caused by the dark room around you.

“You can touch me,” you invite him, bringing your joint hands to the apex of your thighs where the hem of your dress has rucked up. There´s nothing to be seen, the dress still covering your underwear, and you remember incidentally, that you are wearing a very plain pair of white knickers. Before he has a chance to react to your bold move, you duck down to kiss him, and everything drowns out the buzz of paralyzing excitement. 

First you feel the soft touch of the back of his knuckles to press against your throbbing groin, too light to do anything than tease you. Carmen doesn't stop kissing you but it's slower, less measured, while he concentrates on the movement of his hand between your legs. He presses a bit harder, starts rubbing you in circles.

You shudder out a breath, tensing, fingers digging into his shoulders. “‘s nice,” you mutter into his mouth, face hot, too worried that if you don't encourage him, he might stop.

Carmen shortly hums in response and doesn’t stop. He presses open mouthed kisses against the side of your neck and down to the low neckline of your dress. You bite down on your lower lip, overwhelmed. It’s still hard to believe that you have Carmen here on your sofa, between your legs, his unruly curls between your fingers. Only now do you start to realize that you feel so much for him. That this is not just messing around. That you could actually fall in love with him. That you have been falling for him.

With a touch to his sharp jaw, you bring his face back to yours to kiss him deeply again, taking his free hand in yours to guide him, this time up to your breast. You squeeze the heavy weight of it and moan against the side of Carmy’s neck.

“I like it when it hurts a bit,” you whisper bashfully, too aware of how your hair sticks to your sweaty nape, the baby hairs by your ears probably curling with the humidity coming off your own burning skin. 

Carmen nods and squeezes, a bit harder than you showed him, and you let out a surprised gasp that turns into a moan, head tilting back in pleasure. His thumb finds your nipple through two layers of clothing and he rubs against it, then pinches. Your eyes fly to his, wide and searching. Surprised by his obvious willingness to please you, you watch Carm’s actions almost breathlessly - how his eyebrows knot in concentration upon every measured touch, the way the tendons in his hand strain when he sneaks his fingers behind the elastic of your underwear. But you need to see more.

“Take this off,” you rasp out, grasping the material of Carmen’s jumper and tugging. “Off,” you mutter again, trying to help Carm out while he gets the garment over his head and off, chuckling breathlessly. You catch his smile and have to grin back, shyly but surely, and you kiss again, Carmen going back where he had stopped. 

When you can open your eyes again, you enjoy the sight of Carmen’s muscles straining as he fingers you, looking down at where his fingers are disappearing into you, the elastic waistband digging into his wrist. He’s as concentrated and serious as he gets in the kitchen, plus turned on, if you can judge by the way he worries his bottom lip and the flush that’s spreading down his face to his long neck. Maybe he does get turned on when he’s in the kitchen, you muse, you just never noticed.

The never-ending string of your thoughts, even in this situation, unfortunately, is interrupted by Carm’s palm moving from your bare thigh up to your ass, his fingertips digging into the meat. His other hand speeds up, causing you to mutter, “Fuck,” into his ear.

“Can you come like this?” Carmen asks, and you can feel his wide eyes on you, even though you’re not looking.

“Give me a sec,” you answer in a breathy, raw voice, already mostly there. Your hand travels down into your underwear to touch your aching, swollen clit, while Carmy resumes, rubbing your walls inside. When he curls his fingers, the tips drag over your g-spot. That stirs all sorts of feelings in you, and you moan, then start grinding against his hand, his fingers. Those fingers that you watched chop and stir so many times in secret with quiet rapture, are now in you, bringing you to an orgasm.

Afraid that he could read too much from your face, you drag him into another kiss, dirtier and more desperate than the previous ones. As you near the peak, getting more and more desperate, unable to kiss Carm properly, he mouths at your collarbones, your chest, the top of your breasts. When he uses his teeth, you know he’s testing how far he can go, and you let out an encouraging sound.

Squeezing your eyes shut, your head tips back again, baring your throat to Carmen, as you come. You can feel your thighs tremble and your fingers squeeze Carmy’s shoulders momentarily. Once it washes over you, you slide off sideways from Carmen’s lap, breathing heavily and still biting your lip. You think you didn’t let out a single sound. You didn’t want to.

Carmen gives you a side glance, eyes glassy. He seems to be a bit breathless himself. You notice his eyes going to your breasts, where you can still feel wetness from his mouth, wondering if there are any actual marks left. Judging by the look on Carmen’s face, there might be.

Without thinking, you reach out and tug on the waistband of his Dickies.

“Yeah?” he says, looking at you.

“Yeah,” you nod.

With clumsy fingers, you open the button on Carmy’s pants together. You can’t help yourself — you push up the material of his t-shirt, revealing extra skin.

Your eyes widen as you scan his toned torso. “Running, huh?” you mutter teasingly, stroking your hand down his warm abdomen.

“Huh?” Carmen’s caught off guard, eyes following your hand. “Oh I — I do push-ups — erm — press-ups — sometimes. When I can't sleep.”

God, why is he sheepish? “And how much do you actually sleep?”

“Couple of hours,” he says, but the second word ends up cut off by a gasp as you touch Carmen’s dick, tugging it out from his underwear. He hisses, hips lifting up with the sensation, and you can see his tummy muscles contracting. You start stroking him slowly, as much as the angle allows you, trying out a firmer grip and then loosening up.

Not wanting to make Carmen uncomfortable with shameless staring, you press your face into the outer side of his arm, watching him from under his shoulder wordlessly. Based purely on his facial expressions, you adjust your fingers on his dick, and the rhythm. As expected, Carmy is utterly quiet, his strong jaw clenching. Only here and there, he lets out a harsh breath that you count as a victory. The t-shirt you have your nose buried in smells of generic laundry detergent, cigarettes, and caramelized onion. It also smells like Carmen — like a guy and antiperspirant.

It’s not long before Carmy squirms — “I’m not gonna last long,” he says, fists balling, and it’s so obvious he’s been holding himself back from fucking up into your hand that you feel almost sorry for him. On the other hand, this small thing between you is so fragile, and you are so anxious that you are going to fuck up, so you just bite your tongue and don’t comment on it.

“It’s fine,” you say low, lips moving against the t-shirt again, pretending you have not been watching his every expression, reading deep into every blink of his eyes, every time he wets his lips, jerks his pelvis up a bare inch with pleasure. The tip of his dick is as cherry pink as his lips are, you notice desperately, and you know this image is going to haunt you forever.

“It’s fine,” you repeat sweetly, speeding up your movements, and then Carmen is coming, thick ropes of it landing on your fingers and your wrist and his t-shirt that’s fallen back down over his stomach. He shakes with the force of his orgasm, and you watch his body in awe as it goes through it, still touching him, feeling the hot, slippery skin of his dick in your hand.

The rush of emotions is so strong that you almost panic. Then you look left and up at Carmen—he’s trying to catch his breath, his big eyes are glassy, and his lips are shiny with his own spit, and in that very moment, you believe that he can see right into the core of your own being.

You want to cradle his jaw and kiss him. Instead, you look away faster than he can. Miraculously, a box of Kleenex sits on the coffee table by the sofa, and you reach over to hand it to Carmen.

Next to you, you hear, more than see, Carmen wipe down the mess, pulling his t-shirt back down.

There are two options—either you get up quickly and this is all over for now, or you acknowledge what just happened and try to be all mature about it. To your own surprise, you go with the latter, turning to Carmen, reaching out to touch his forearm lightly.

He looks over at you and smiles, small and gentle.Then he leans in and kisses you on the lips before standing up.

“Can I smoke in here?” he asks, already searching his pockets.

“Yeah. From the kitchen window,” you point in the general direction of the window. There’s a chopped tomato can serving as an ashtray on the outside windowsill. Without a second look, you disappear into the bathroom to fix your damp underwear.

The night stretches, and Carmy never leaves. After his smoke break, you expect things to be awkward. But they aren’t. You split the two-day-old dinner leftovers—vegan spaghetti bolognese from Mikaela—and you eat it on the same sofa where you had been touching and kissing twenty minutes ago, while watching Modern Family, just to have something to fill in the silence that could become uncomfortable.

Carmen changes into your old baggy t-shirt. No denying that you would prefer him without it, but he asks for it himself. When he comes out of the bathroom and lies next to you, he smells of mint, and you hope he didn’t use your toothbrush without asking—because, “bleh”—and he reads your mind, because he says, “I brushed with toothpaste on my finger,” and brings the blanket all the way up to his chin.

You don’t know how, but you both fall asleep.

The stirring in the bed next to you is what wakes you up. Used to sleeping in your double bed by yourself, it takes your hazy brain a moment to remember that it’s not the case tonight. The light from the streetlamp filtering through the window blinds falls on the man next to you. You watch him wriggle under the sheet, sleepy and unguarded. He looks like an innocent boy—with his puffy eyes and messy hair falling over his forehead. 

Meanwhile, Carmen’s eyes open and find yours. You’re unsure of what he sees on your face, but he outstretches his arm to touch your bare shoulder, and shuffles closer. Your stomach twists at the nearness.

“You okay?” you whisper groggily. “Aren’t you cold?”

He only shakes his head.

“Okay,” you nod into the pillow, daring to run the pads of your fingers along his forearm, stroking. Carmen’s skin here is baby soft, with no hairs on the inner side. You enjoy his quiet hum as you use your nails lightly. He closes his eyes momentarily, and you would say he shivers, but you can’t be sure.

You’re surrounded by the quiet of the night; even the neighbors above must be asleep because you can’t hear their annoying heavy steps. Tomorrow, you won’t be sure if you dreamt this moment.

“Sleep,” you whisper again, something primal overtaking you as you reach further into Carmy’s hair, smoothing down the tangled curls and continuing over the shell of his ear. Carmen watches you for a little longer until he relaxes completely, his blinks getting longer. You’re so caught up in the rare moment of stillness that you don’t realize at first that he’s falling asleep, until his heavy breathing indicates that he’s gone.

[wooataes]

Real Eyes, Fake Lies (Part Two)

Pairing: soulmate!Lee Jihoon x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 4k

Warnings: angst, Hanahaki!AU, mentions of death, mild suggestion of self-harm but nothing happens, swearing, lots of crying and feelings , lots of plot this chapter.

Summary: What do you do when you find out the one person that was created by the universe to be yours doesn’t want you back?

A/N: Thank you all so much for all the love on part one! I do apologize at how long it’s taken for this one to come out, it’s been a hectic last few weeks with Svt’s anniversary and my birthday 🥰 I hope you all enjoy and please feel free to send me an ask to talk about the fic if you’d like! - Tae 💜✨

Previous | Next | Masterlist

Jihoon’s ears hadn’t stopped ringing since he left your place 30 minutes ago, and although his home is only a 5 minute walk from yours, he couldn’t find it in himself to go home just yet. He had paced around the block twice and walked to a nearby park to sit under a tree and let his thoughts marinate. His stomach was in knots, hands shaky, and he couldn’t stop the tears from falling down his cheeks. To make himself feel better, he believed that this was because of your overwhelming emotions, not his. The weather was in his favor, the rain hiding the fact that he was crying openly in public. He had let his eyes wander at the new world around him as he gathered his thoughts in an attempt to remember the simple colour theory he learnt as a child. The grass was green, the sky was blue, the roses were red. His mind was sent into overdrive, still being unwillingly attacked with your heavy heart and heaving sobs rising up his body, but he knew he just had to bear it.

Jihoon was knocked out of his thoughts when his phone vibrated for the upteenth time. He sighs out of pure frustration as he looks at the screen, wincing internally as he reads through the barrage of texts from Soonyoung and one of his 3 housemates, Wonwoo.

Wonwoo🎮: yo where you at? min and soonyoung are here, we’re gonna do a game night.

Wonwoo🎮: soon said you were walking y/n home? I’ll save you a spot in the next round of Uno.

Soonyoung 🐯: hey, is everything okay? y/n shot me a text and said she left early. where are you?

Soonyoung🐯: you were supposed to be back at yours 20 minutes ago?? wons is getting worried.

Soonyoung🐯: okay if you don’t answer me in 5 minutes I’m coming to look for you.

Wonwoo 🎮: where are you, jihoon?

Prettyy/n✨ wants to send you a message.

Jihoon feels his heart jump at your Instagram request, and swipes away all of his texts to check the request. Oh god, what if you’ve outed him? What if you’re going to go on a plot of revenge to get back at him for breaking your heart by telling everyone that he’s your soulmate? What if-

Prettyy/n✨: nothing happened. you didn’t walk me home, you didn’t even meet up with me at the working bee. I texted you and told you that I had to leave early and I ran into my soulmate on the way home but they wanted nothing to do with me. you and ji-ah are safe, I won’t tell anyone. I promise. if soonyoung pesters you, tell him you didn’t even see me today. your relationship is safe, nothing will be spilled, just like you want. bye, jihoon.

Prettyy/n✨: and please stop feeling bad. it’s making me feel sick.

After breathing a sigh of relief, Jihoon simply likes the message sent by you to acknowledge that he’s seen it and silently thanks you in his head and starts to wipe his slowing tears. He frowns slightly when he feels his stomach twist again, but he chooses to ignore it. He can put this whole thing behind him now and focus on his relationship with Ji-ah, soulmates be damned. Should he feel bad for breaking your heart? Absolutely. And don’t get him wrong, he does, but you can get over it now and grow from it. Now you both are blessed with a world of colour, you can both benefit from it, he thinks to himself.

“Where the hell have you been?!” Soonyoung is on Jihoon as he steps into his house, shaking off his jacket and placing it on the coat rack by the front door.

“You know I like the rain, Soonyoung,” Jihoon lies easily, shaking his wet hair over him to get him to back off successfully. “Why are you even here, anyway?”

“Minnie had to work on a theatre assignment with Jun, so I thought I’d hang with you and the lovebirds while they worked.” He smiles as Jihoon looks down the hall to see the lovebirds in question, Wonwoo and Mingyu, sitting by the coffee table in the living room setting up playing cards. Jun and Seokmin are at the dining room table in an intense brainstorm session, writing down their ideas onto a book placed in the middle of the table.

“Sorry for not warning you I’d be back late, Wonwoo.” Jihoon calls out as he walks into the living room, standing close to the fireplace to warm himself up from the cold rain. The house looks weird now he can see what it looks like in technicolour, he thinks.

Wonwoo simply waves him off as Mingyu stays comfortably nestled against his soulmate's side. Jihoon eyes them for a moment before Seokmin and Jun make their way into the living room, talking about a well deserved break from their 20 minutes of brainstorming.

“Hi again, hyung!” Seokmin waves with a smile, settling down on the couch beside Jun comfortably. “Are you going to play this round?”

Just as Jihoon is about to respond, Soonyoung’s phone starts to ring.

“You start the round without me, it’s Cheollie hyung.” He smiles and Jihoon feels his stomach drop instantly. Oh, fuck. Soonyoung presses the phone to his ear with a cheery “hyung~” as he steps out of the room, his voice trailing into the front room as he walks.

“Actually, you guys start without me too,” Jihoon stammers out, suddenly feeling sick. “I need to go shower and warm up so I don’t get…”

He trails off as he watches Seokmin’s face begin to change, a look of fear covering his features. His gaze follows where his soulmate has walked off to, and he starts to rise from his spot on the couch. “Something’s wrong.”

“What’s wrong?” Mingyu asks quietly.

Jihoon feels a sense of dread wash over him as Soonyoung steps back into the room, immediately rushing to collect his backpack.

“Darling, what’s happened?” Seokmin is at his side in a flash, Soonyoung’s breathing increasing rapidly.

“I-I don’t know. Cheol just said th-that something’s happened to Y/N,” he throws his backpack over his shoulder. Jihoon winces, holding his stomach as the overwhelming urge to cry comes back to him in full force. “I gotta go to her.”

“I’ll come with you!”

Soonyoung is quick to take his soulmate’s hands in his own. “It’s okay babe, you need to study with Jun anyway. Cheol said she’s really overwhelmed right now and he thinks only I can help.”

“I hate that you’re right,” Seokmin whined, giving him a quick peck on the lips. “Text me when you find out what’s happened?”

“Of course. Sorry, guys, I’ll join next time.” He waves quickly before rushing out the door and running in the direction of your home.

“Oh god, I hope she’s okay.” Seokmin sighs as he slumps on the couch, Mingyu now sitting up beside him.

“What do you think has happened?” He asked quietly.

“Honestly?” Seokmin frowns to himself. “I don’t know. I haven’t felt Soonie feel that worried before in a long time. The last time he was that bad was when he couldn’t find Y/N on the 3 year anniversary of her mother’s passing.”

“Passing?” Jihoon looks at him. “How did she pass?”

“She never really told us much…” he sighed. “All she would say is that when she was eleven, her father got caught by Seungcheol cheating on their mother with another woman and he just upped and left. According to Cheol, their mother fell apart, she was in love with him for over 20 years, how could you not?… and on top of that, she got Hanahaki.”

A soft gasp from Jun was the only thing that could be heard in the hushed room, Jihoon’s teeth sinking into his bottom lip. He only thought Hanahaki was a myth, a silly story told by people to scare them into loving their soulmates.

“That’s why Soonie’s family took them in.. their mother only lasted 3 months after he left them. Y/N was the one who found her. Cheol said she didn’t sleep for days, and whenever she did, it was only for a few hours at a time. She had recurring nightmares that he and Soonie would help her through.”

“Poor girl. I guess that’s why Soonyoung has always been so protective of her.” Wonwoo mumbled thoughtfully, hand slipping into Mingyu’s and squeezing.

“She literally loved that man so much and he just threw it all back in their faces and legitimately killed his soulmate.” Seokmin grumbled, staring at the table in front of him. “And he didn’t even want Cheol or Y/N after everything. He’s a selfish bastard.” He hissed. “Fucking coward. That’s where Y/N went on the third year of her passing. She left to go to her fathers house to tear him a new one. Fucker deserved it, too. I don’t really know what happened, but all Soonyoung tells me is that he had a new family. She never tried to look for him again after that.”

Jihoon sinks quietly to the floor by the fire, hugging his knees. All he feels is shame, and now, dare he says it, worry for you. He really fucked this up, and it only had just begun.

A gentle knock sounds through your bedroom as you laid your head back against the wall tiredly. It had been an hour since you discovered the migraine of the brightly coloured world around you, and you still sat in the dark corner of your bedroom, albeit more quieter now than the last time Cheol had checked on you. You had stopped crying half an hour ago, now only feeling numb inside. When you insisted to your brother that you were fine and wanted to be alone, he had respected your wishes and left only after giving you a hard hug, and the promise that he’d be with you in a heartbeat whenever you called.

“What?” You mumble, eyes closed.

“It’s me.” You hear the door close behind Soonyoung, his footsteps drawing closer.

“What do you want.” You keep your eyes shut, knowing you’d fall apart if you saw your best friend in front of you. “Why aren’t you with Seokmin?”

“Bug…” he ignores your question, your body almost recoiling back in shock as his warm palms gently rest over your wrists, turning them over for a moment, seemingly checking you for anything abnormal before placing your hands gently into your lap. “Please look at me?” Soonyoung’s hand softly reaches up to cradle your cheek. You shake your head quickly, feeling the tears well up behind your eyelids.

“You should be with your soulmate, S-Soon.” You stutter, hands reaching up to rub over your eyes aggressively. “W-why are you even here?”

“Bug, what happened?” His thumb swipes over a stray tear that slipped down your cheek. Your eyes finally open to be face to face with your worried best friend, his big brown eyes filled with worry.

You hiccup, take a heavy breath, and open your mouth. Soonyoung waits patiently, still holding your cheek. As you attempt to speak, all that leaves your lips is a hard sob before your arms snake around his waist, your face burying into his shoulder. His hand reaches up to run through your hair, the other rubbing soothing circles up and down your back.

“Oh, Bug..” he sighs, squeezing you to his chest. “You’re okay, I’ve got you.”

“You shouldn’t.” You whimper, the shoulder of Soonyoung’s shirt growing damp. “You should be with M-Min.”

“But then no one would be here for you, silly.” He cooed, brushing your hair through his fingers delicately.

“Exactly.”

“Don’t be silly.” Soonyoung tries to lift the mood, jostling you in his arms slightly. “Until you get your soulmate, you are stuck with me.” You only sob harder, gripping his sweater tightly as he slowly stops his movements, his mind slowly catching up. “… Bug? Did you…”

“They didn’t want me, Soon.” You whimper, squeezing him closer.

“I swear, I’ll kill whatever fucker who did this.” Soonyoung had left your room after letting you cry in his arms for two hours, eventually letting the exhaustion finally catch up with you and drift you off into a dreamless sleep. He was now pacing in the kitchen, anger growing inside him.

“I’m right behind you.” Seungcheol growled, sitting at the dining table with his chin resting against the top of his intertwined hands. His leg was shaking under the table, watching his friend pace in front of him.

“How the fuck could they do that to her?” He barked, hitting his fist on the breakfast bar. “All the girl has ever wanted was to be loved, and the one fucker who was literally made to be that person to love her doesn’t want her?!”

“Did she tell you who it was?” Jeonghan asked quietly as his hand gently rubbed circles into his soulmate’s back. He could feel Cheol’s anger bubbling inside him more and more as the time went on.

“No. She’s protecting them. I don’t know why. Fucker doesn’t deserve to be protected.” Soonyoung grumbled.

“Being angry isn’t going to solve anything, babe.” Seokmin sighed, leaning against the bar. “All we can do is be there for her and support her.”

“What if she gets..-”

“She won’t.” Seungcheol rises quickly from his seat. “We won’t let it happen. It only happens if she’s in love, she’s nowhere near that stage yet.”

It’s late in the middle of the night and no matter how hard he tried, Jihoon just couldn’t get to sleep. The pain in his stomach had finally settled for a few hours, and he concluded that Soonyoung had caught up to you, calmed you down and helped you finally fall asleep. Seokmin’s words about your life kept repeating in his head and ate at his mind until he finally couldn’t take it anymore, reaching for his phone and wincing at the brightness as he opened up his search bar.

“What is Hanahaki?”

What? He frowns deeply to himself, as if trying to reason with his soul. Whether I like it or not, she is going to be a part of my life. I might as well learn now.

“Hanahaki is a disease contracted due to an unrequited romantic love. It is manifested in the form of flowers, which root themselves against the victim’s lungs that cause them to cough up petals and in some extreme cases, whole flowers.”

Jihoon’s thumb slowly scrolled through the information page, coming to a stop at a subheading.

“What is the Cause of Hanahaki?”

“The main cause of Hanahaki is when a victim’s soulmate does not reciprocate the romantic feelings harbored for them.”

“Is There a Cure?”

“In extreme cases there is a possibility that the victim is eligible for surgery to remove the blockage in the lung. The consequence to removal is the victim losing all feelings and memories in regards to their soulmate, and to never be able to feel romantic love ever again. As cases recorded show the victim’s refusal to lose their love, most cases result in death.”

That’s why her mother passed. Jihoon frowns to himself. If she had the surgery, she would have lost all memories of her kids.

He should be safe. You’re not in love with him. You have always known of Jihoon but never have had to spend time with him. You’re not gonna die from this. Who knows? Maybe Jihoon could find a way to get you two to be friends. He has known of some soulmates who keep their relationship platonic and it working out. He could try in a few weeks to press the idea to you.

A tightness builds in his chest, confusing running through his head. It’s - Jihoon checks the time on his phone - 3 in the morning, what is going-

He hiccups and feels tears start filling his eyes. In a matter of seconds, he’s feeling the urge to once again start sobbing and seek comfort.

This is going to be a long night.

Jihoon grows concerned when it has been over a week and he hasn’t seen you around campus. He keeps a subconscious eye out for you in common areas where you’re known to be with Seokmin or Soonyoung, but he only ever finds the two soulmates together. Soonyoung has been more withdrawn, Jihoon notices, but whenever asked by Wonwoo or Jun in passing, Soonyoung just waves them off. Jihoon wouldn’t tell anyone he knows the real reason.

Over the course of the week, like clockwork, Jihoon gets woken up in the middle of the night to pains in his chest and wet cheeks. It doesn’t take him long to figure out that you’re making sure he is asleep before you let out all your pent up emotions, which makes him feel even worse.

Ji-ah doesn’t notice anything wrong with her boyfriend, or if she does, she doesn’t say. She spends every lunch break at Jihoon’s table they share with Wonwoo, Mingyu, Jun and Jun’s classmate from dance class, Chan. Jihoon puts up a good front when with Ji-ah. He can’t walk on eggshells around her or she will get suspicious and he can’t lose her for a girl he barely knows. He smiles with his arm draped over his girlfriend’s shoulder, eating a mouthful of rice when he almost chokes on his food as he sees you walk into the cafeteria for the first time in over a week.

Soonyoung and Seokmin are on either side of you, talking animatedly about something that Jihoon can’t quite hear. He frowns when he takes a good look at you. You look paler than normal; even with his new perspective with colour he can tell you shouldn’t be this white. You have bags under your eyes and your hair is pulled back in a high ponytail atop your head, a pink ribbon tying it together. His eyes follow where you’re looking to see theater majors Boo Seungkwan and Yoo Jeongyeon at a table two spaces down from them.

“Finally!!” Seungkwan grins excitedly as he jumps up from the table, meeting you halfway as he pulls you in for a tight hug. “I’ve been dying without you in class. There’s only so much Lee Seokmin you can tolerate.” He whines as you let out a soft laugh.

“Imagine living with him.” You giggle as Seokmin responds with a ‘Yah!’ and a swat to your arm.

“Are you feeling better?” Seungkwan leads you to sit down beside him, Soonyoung flanking your other side and Seokmin joining Jeongyeon. “You still look pretty pale, Bug.”

“Ah, I’m getting there.” You feigned a laugh, waving him off as Jeongyeon reaches across the table and takes your hands in hers.

“I’m so glad you’re back.” She cooed. “A week is too long to be ill. I’ll hurt whoever gave you the flu and make sure they never do it again.” She smiled.

“I missed you too, Jeongs.” You smiled as you glanced at Seungkwan. “Fill me in on what’s happened in class. Have I missed much?”

Jihoon forces himself to stop listening then, shaking his head slightly before trying to tune back into the conversation his table was having, which currently was a discussion between Wonwoo and Chan over a certain video game that was just released.

“Okay, so, I’ve got some dress ideas I’m going to get made for Formal and I need a girl’s opinion.” Jeongyeon grinned, passing her iPad over to you.

You take the iPad and look over the 3 options of dresses with scribbles and annotations all over them as Seungkwan waves his chopsticks.

“Yah! I told you the style of number 2 would look SO good on you! Why do you need someone else’s opinion?”

“I don’t trust your judgment.” She glares as Seungkwan gasps and smacks his chest.

“Oh heaven forbid I can’t give a good opinion!” He whines as Soonyoung covers his mouth with a low chuckle, clearly not wanting to be involved in the bickering.

“I think the red suits you best.” You speak quietly. “The blue clashes with your skin tone too much and the dark green looks too wedding-y.”

You’re met with a prolonged silence from the table as you come face to face with your two classmates staring at you as if you’ve grown a second head.

“What?” You deadpanned.

“Are you telling me..” Jeongyeon whispered.

“It happened?” Seungkwan gasped.

“Mm.” You mumble, pushing the iPad across the table. “It’s not a big deal.”

“UMM?” Jeongyeon balked. “Not a big deal?! You’ve only been dreaming about this day for the last 20 years of your life!” She squealed, taking your hands tightly. “I’m so happy for you!”

The commotion at the table draws the attention of Jihoon’s housemates, who turn to look over at you, who is now sinking down in your seat, Soonyoung’s hand pressing on your back.

“What’s happened?” Mingyu called over.

“Y/N can see colours!” Jeongyeon responds excitedly.

Jihoon’s stomach drops, and he knows that it wasn't you this time. His knee starts to bounce slightly as he keeps an eye on you, the others at his table getting up to congratulate you.

“It really isn’t a big deal, guys.” You mumble.

“Are you kidding? This is amazing news!” Seungkwan cheered, Mingyu joining him.

“We know how much you’ve wanted this, Bug!” Mingyu smiles, ruffling your hair. “Tell us everything!”

“There’s nothing to tell.” You look away, reaching to take a bite of your sandwich.

“What?” Jeongyeon frowned, trying to get in your line of sight. “What’s gotten into you? I thought you’d be excited about this..”

“I would’ve been excited if they wanted me back.”

“Oh.. Bug, I’m-”

“Yeah, so forgive me if I’m not happy about being rejected by my soulmate.” You hiss bitterly, feeling the sting of tears burning your eyes.

“Oh the poor thing.” Ji-ah whispers to her boyfriend, eyebrows furrowed. She leans her head against his shoulder, and Jihoon just watches on.

“So what?” Seungkwan’s question shocked the others as you looked back at him in surprise.

“Huh?”

“So your soulmate doesn’t want you.” Seungkwan takes your hand in his. “You don’t need them now to see the beauty around you. You have us, don’t you?” He nudges your side. “And you have been blessed with seeing all of the world with new eyes.”

“He’s right, Bug.” Seokmin urged, smiling at you.

“I don’t see how this is supposed to help me, Boo. You haven’t even found your soulmate yet, so you wouldn’t know…”

“That’s irrelevant, Bug. We aren’t talking about me, we’re talking about you.” Seungkwan smiled and draped his body over yours dramatically. “Here, let’s change the subject, okay? You’ve been able to see colour for a while now, right?”

“Uh.. right..” you mumble.

“So, you have to have a favourite colour by now, right?”

“Oh..” Your lips purse slightly as you look up at the ceiling. “I never… I never really thought about it before.”

“Well, think about it now!” He chirped as he watched carefully for your thoughts.

“Uhh… well, there is one colour that I’ve been drawn to.. but you’re gonna laugh at me.”

“No we won’t, Bug.” Soonyoung soothes, smiling sweetly at you. “C’mon, tell us.”

“Well.. it’s brown.”

“Brown?” Jeongyeon frowns and tilts her head as you nod in confirmation. “What about something like pink?”

“It was the first colour I ever saw.”

Jihoon winced. He knew what was coming next, and he didn’t want to hear it.

“It was the colour of their eyes.”

Taglist

@cinnamoroxie @enhacolor @mikachu-chu @jojowantstocry @changbinisms @scarlet789 @i-dont-give-a-fok @im-gemmy @shookyungsoo @ametheyistheart

[romanarose]

HAPPY 2K LOVELY YOU DESERVE IT AND SOOO MUCH MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOO!!!!!!1

anyway

UMMM you know me and you know i would BEG for any TWW crumbs...

pls....pls im so hungry its lonely out here without them please.......

MY BELOVED CLEM!!!

The Wrong Way (Joel Miller X reader)

Takes place around chapter 8, during her pregnancy but before brotherhood bonus chapter (which if you havn't read, it really adds to joel and tommys relationship.)

Sick Day

The moment you woke up, before you even opened your eyes, you knew something was wrong.

You woke up from a nightmare, but that was nothing new. Last nights was... hard. That's for sure. Things had been going so well, the little bump on your stomach swelling so slightly, evidence that you hadn't fucked this up...

You dreamed you miscarried, and Joel was mad at you again. You dreamed you were back in the old room, with your mattress on the floor and the boarded up window, suffering the things you endured before.

You dreamed Joel strung up Zach and skinned him like Nick. You could still smell the blood. Thinking maybe the horror you dreamed of was messing with your stomach, you ignore it. There was too much to be done. Jack had constructed a washboard for you, and you wanted to scrub down all the clothes that hadn't gotten a proper wash in years. You washed them, of course, but this was even better. Also, you actually had enough to make no bake cookies! Lorenzo's birthday was tomorrow, and it's been too hot to bake, so this was perfect. And as always, there was your garden to tend to, your chickens, not to mention cleaning up after the 8 different men living in the house. They were not clean. Except Jack.

Still... there was no harm in laying her for a bit, at least until Joel woke up. Maybe he'd eat you out this morning if you asked nicely... he was quite indulgent with you since the pregnancy.

"Morn'n, little one" He mumbles in your ear, and you smile. Sun was shining in, making for your favorite part of the day. Spending quiet time with Joel. Mornings were just for you and him. Making love was sweet if you did it, conversation was light, if at all. You liked talking to Joel, a lot actually, but something about his quiet strength, his protective arm around you and hand on your stomach, the gentle kisses in your hair...

When it was time to get up, Joel would sit you on the bed naked and look through to closet at the mass of dresses he'd acquired for you. He'd start with your underwear, then socks, knealing at the bed to put them on, then your shoes. Then, he'd stand up up and put on a bra. Finally, Joel would slide the dress over your head, and the smile he gave you when your head popped out always stated your day off right.

The hair. Joel liked to sit you between his legs on the bed, comb through your hair and hum. You liked when he hummed. Most of the time he kept your hair down but sometimes he put a ribbon in. You'd put your handkerchief in your hair when he was out, it was more practical.

You would spend all day waiting for him to get home again.

Joel rocked his hips into you, feeling his bulge up against your ass. He was in his boxers, and although you'd gone to bed in a shirt and a pair of his boxers, you'd pulled them off in the middle of the night when it got hot. Sure, you could've pulled Joel's arm off you too... but you didn't want that.

Now, you realized how hot it had gotten in the room.

"Gonna be warm today" You mumble to him, kissing a vein on his arm. "Dont be out too long. Don't want you getting heat stroke."

There was a pause before he spoke. "Aren't you cold?"

"Hm?" You shift, turning to look at him where he's frowning. "No, it's so hot-" You stop when he presses a hand to your forehead, then jolts up.

"Christ little one, you're burning up."

The way he exits the bed so fast hurt you.

"Joel, Im fine-" You try to insist, standing up to try and stop him while you wrapped the blanket around you body. Not like everyone here except Lorenzo hasn't seen you naked, and you aren't exactly Lorenzo's type. Still, when you stand, a wave of dizziness washed over you and you stumble, eyes crossing as the world unfocuses.

"Shit!" Joel dives to catch you, stopping your pregnant body from falling into a side table. He's gentle as he picks you up and placed you onto the bed, but once again goes to leave. You feel alone.

*

Joel rushes to the kitchen, trying to find a rag. Shit, what did you do with the rags? Everything in here was rearranged.

The slamming of draws and cabininates must've woken Lorenzo.

"What the hell is your fucking problem." Jesus christ, his Boston accent was OUT when he just wakes up.

Joel slammed the cabinet next to the oven. "A rag! Jesus christ, it shouldn't be-" When he turned, Joel saw Lorenzo stand butt naked, rubbing his eyes. "PUT YOUR GODDAMN CLOTHES ON!" He bellows, but Lorenzo is unphased, brushing past Joel with bare hips to grab a rag from the drawer next to the sink.

"She likes them here because she hates her hands feeling wet."

Avoiding looking at his cock just... hanging there, Lorenzo equally avoids looking at Joel's boner.

"I'm not even gonna ask what that's for, you sickos" and begins to walk away, but Joel snaps at him.

"She's sick, asshole. Running a fever. We got any medicine?" He wets the rag.

Lorenzo's face shifts into concern. Joel knew you two had grown close over the course of the months he replaced Tommy. It was inevitable, you were precious, funny as all hell and a way at worming your way into peoples hearts. He couldn't understand how your dad had hurt such a sweet little thing so bad and for so long.

"For fucks sake Lorenzo go find some medicine!"

"Jesus!" He throws his hands in the air, walking back to his room. "Let me put some clothes on first!"

Joel shook his head, heading toward you again. "Sleeping naked while you have a roommate is fucking weird, hermano."

"I don't hear Jack complaining."

When Joel opened the door, he saw your eyes flash open. You'd been crying. He drops to his knees at your bedside, feeling you forehead again. "What's wrong, darl'n? Something hurting you?"

"I thought you left..." You sob. "I thought.... I thought you left me..."

His heart breaks at the idea you were crying over him. "No, no baby I left to get- here." He places the cool compress on your forehead and hears you breath a sigh of releif.

"Why would I leave you?"

"I figured... I figured you didn't wanna catch what I have."

He sighed, settling in at your side. "Baby girl... you nursed me all day long when I had explosive diahriah and vomiting from food sickness..." Joel says with a smile, laying his head on the bed. "I can stay by your side when you're sick."

You shake your head. "There's so much to do! The chickens, the garden, your work- Joel I gotta-"

"Shhhhh, little one, shhhh. My work can wait, and Lorenzo will know what to do with the chickens and garden, yeah?"

"Yeah." You sniffle. "But he's scared of chickens, remember?"

Joel can't help but laugh at that. "Yeah, but I think he can feed them, and Aziz can get the eggs, okay? Darl'n..." He placed his hand on your stomach. "We gotta take care of the baby, okay? Just rest. I'll take care of both of you."

A knock on the door.

Joel made sure your were covered under the blanket before beckoning Lorenzo in.

"This is all I got, boss. Maybe next time we focus a little less on getting another fuck'n onsie and maybe get some damn medcine."

"Shut the hell up." Joel turns to you. "What are you symtoms. Be honest."

It was nausea, fever, head ache, body aches, and you had a sore throat. A flu, probably... Lorezno had found thermometer, but Joel made him stick it in boiling water before using it on you. Only dirty thing going in your mouth was his cock after a long day.

100.3

Normally, nothing crazy for an adult but for a pregnant woman?

All they had for medicine was some old pepto and a couple cough drops Joel used during the day, but nothing helped the fever. He laid with you as you went through flashes, holding you close during the chills and wiping your face off during the hot, always by your side, always right there when you needed to throw up. Joel's arms were your steady grasp.

After vomiting up the rice he tried to give you for lunch int he toilet, Joel scooped you up again from the bathroom floor after gently cleaning your face. There hadn't been time when taking you from the bed to grab the blanket, so walking back Joel just carried you naked back to bed. He carried you like he always did, like a child under his care, your arm wrapped around him and face tucked into his neck... He wrapped his hands under your butt to cover you.

When you were back on the bed, sleeping before you head hit the pillow, he checked your tempature again. 102.3.

"I'll be right back, beautiful girl. Hold on tight for me, please? I need you both... I need you to be okay."

*

It was late when the fever broke, it was already growing dark and you had the faint taste of cherry in your mouth. Strange. The room was empty and dark and scary without him, and you hadn't remembered a thing from the last few hours.

"Joel?" No answer. "JOEL?"

Joel rushed in, glass of water quickly set ont he side table as he wet to hold you at your stomach. "What's wrong? Are you hurting? Is the baby okay?"

You nod, quickly. "I just... I didn't know where you were. I was scared."

He breathes a sigh of relief. "Just went to get you water... I see you're finally awake." Joel's calloused hands brush a lock of hair out of your face, sticky with dried sweat.

"I smell really bad." Joel huffs a laugh. "It's okay, we'll take a bath tonight. That sounds good?"

You smile "Yeah, sounds nice... I feel a lot better."

"I'm glad, little one. Ain't every gonna let noth'n happen t'yuh"

*

Watching the water boil on the stove as the cold water poured into the tub, Jack comes inside from helping Aziz gather eggs.

"Hey, thanks for riding out so far. You made it in record time, I think." Joel was sencier.

Jack gave a quick nod. He was a man of few words.

"Hey, uh, don't- and tell Lorenzo this too, don't tell her where the medicine came from. Just... we found it here, alright? She don't need tah be think'n 'bout him again."

Jack gave another nod, and almost went to bed... then he turned around. "You ain't gonna kill me for talk'n to him still, are yuh?"

Joel shook his head, turning off the stove. "Long as you don't go betray'n me or nothing like that. I'd havta kill yuh then, but... nah, not for this."

Jack was Joel's only connect to Jackson, to Tommy... and it came in handy today. He doubted his little wife and baby would have survived the fever without the medicine.

**************

Im literally so behind on my asks this was from my 2000 follower celebration MONTHS AGO

dont fucking look at me lmfao

if this all interests you, check out the wrong way BUT BEWARE WARNINGS!!!!

thanks for everyone who read!!!!

follow @romana-updates and click follow to keep up!

tagging a few who might be interested

@my-secret-shame (for lorenzo) @miraclesabound @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @milla-frenchy @pimosworld @lunar-ghoulie @gogh-with-the-flow @justagalwhowrites @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin

[bianotbia]

— 𝐀 𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐒𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐓𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐒 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓 [𝐚𝐬𝐫𝐚 𝐚𝐥𝐧𝐚𝐳𝐚𝐫]

˗ˏˋ upon seeing once again a lonely path before him, asra decides to go to unthinkable lenghts to bring his lover back ˎˊ˗

₊˚⊹ ᰔ

𝐈. 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐨𝐥

⤷ innocence, new beginnings, free spirit, recklessness, taken advantage of, inconsideration

⤷ a/n: this is the same fic I posted a long time ago but now quite improved, anyway I revised this right after revising my thesis so excuse me while I try to recover from it :')

⤷ contains: asra pov, *spoiler warning*, angst + fluff (wc: 1.7k)

⤷ now playing : don't wanna cry by seventeen

I don’t wanna cry

I don’t wanna cry

Because I love you, because saying “I love you”

Isn’t enough, no matter what words I say

Leaving me, who cherished only you, where’d you go?

Did you go far away because you didn’t like me anymore?

Like a bad omen the red scarlet sky loomed above Vesuvia on that dreary afternoon, the usual buzz and agitation among the streets weren't there to welcome me like the other times I returned from a trip. With hesitant feet and a bad feeling settling in the bottom of my heart I unconsciously made my way to Julian's lab. Piles and piles of books and loose notes were scattered around every empty surface of the room, “Julian?” hidden behind countless vials of suspicious appearance his lowered head quickly rose up, haunted and exhausted bloodshot eyes looked deep into mine and even though drama ran deep inside him that tortured expression couldn’t be a great sign. “Julian…what happened?” with furrowed brows he opened his mouth but nothing came out of it. Lost on all that mess was a necklace I gifted you a few birthdays ago, the very one you swore to never take off. In that eerily silent night Julian finally let out a faint whisper “I'm sorry, Asra… I'm so sorry”, without any more words being said I desperately headed to the shop unable to believe what my heart already knew.

Don’t play around, I know you’re there

It feels like you’ll appear, so I wait aimlessly

I need to go find you, go find you

Because if I cry right now, I might not be able to see you, so

I don’t wanna cry

I don’t wanna cry

Although I have a lot of tears

I don’t wanna cry

Even after a tiring journey, with feet full of blisters and pain radiating through all of my sore body, still I ran tirelessly across every deserted street of the city wishing to be greeted by you when I arrived. But unlike its usual appearance everything was now dark, cold and silent, and most worrying, no trace of any kind of magic left behind. With only a few pained moans coming from outside, the cards seemed eerily silent now, apparently too scared to even reach out to me. Everything seemed to be the exact same if it wasn't for little heart wrenching details, like our teacups that would usually sit together on top of the counter and now laid broken on the floor, unreadable notes all over the table we used for readings, tangled white sheets and blood stains spread on the pillow cover. The world crumbled all around and my legs finally failed me, I gripped the soft fabric of the bed hoping that any sort of familiar scent other than death could still have been left behind, “No, no, no…please…this can't be real” were the only words echoing over and over in my thoughts as uncountable hours drifted by through the night. Exhaustion washed over me as the pitch black sky finally brightened outside and the first morning rays made their way across the room to my bloodshot eyes, the dawning of another day while the light of my life is no longer by my side felt like a sick joke played by destiny, and if that night I could have been able to be asleep even if for a single minute I would have hoped to never wake up again if that meant to live even a day without you.

This path that used to be familiar, now feels unfamiliar

Asking me once again if this is the path I know of

Could that person be looking for me?

I’m looking for you right now

The following days dreaded over me like a curse, working on the palace alongside Julian’s never ending laments, Nadia's countless complaints over her headaches and Lucio's profanities screamed over my ears about his worsening condition made the clock’s arms drag through the day. If you were here perhaps none of this would matter, maybe I wouldn't notice any of their remarks. As days pass by the cards still remain silent and I can't seem to connect with them anymore for a piece of me has been lost forever just like many other parts of myself, a piece I never thought would take so much of me. Now desperate to find a solution for this endless nightmare, once again just like a fool I find myself longing for the unknown and hoping for the uncertain.

Don’t play around, I know you’re there

It feels like you’ll appear, so I wait aimlessly

I need to go find you, go find you

Tears are building up and starting to blur my vision

I don’t wanna cry

I don’t wanna cry

Although I have a lot of tears

I don’t wanna cry

In an unusual quiet morning at the palace the only sound around is Julian’s incoherent mutters as he scribbles on his notes like a mad man, after tapping his fingers on the edge of the table and running them through his disheveled hair he finally let out an exasperated sigh “Why did you like them so much?” with widened eyes the words took a while to process inside my head, he turned to me with his usual tired gaze only this time with a deepened sense of guilt “Sorry… this didn't really come out the way I wanted… I mean you’ve met so many people in this life, but you can't deny that you practically worshiped… them” for a brief moment my entire mind went black and suddenly for once in so long I finally felt a hint of your magic in the air “Why were they so special, Asra?” Julian asked. A forgotten memory took over my head and started playing right before my eyes, a faded afternoon after we were closing the shop, with already two cups of steaming hot tea on the table “Did you know I can do palm reading?” you said with a grin growing over your lips “Oh, you do?” concentrated while organizing the cards still I let out a chuckle, you took my hand into yours slowly tracing unknown patterns into it, following each line and bend, a faint magic started coursing through my veins coming from your addictive touch, your gaze finally met mine after bursting out in laughter. “You don't even know what you're doing, do you?” the clear sound of your laugh played over my ears like a heaven’s calling “You did fall for it, silly—”. Echoes of happier times slowly fade away as the scent of the cold tea in my hands makes its way to my nostrils, back to Julian's question that he expectantly waits for an answer, the only thing I can think of is “They made a really good tea”.

I’m alright (I’m not alright)

I don’t want to see you (I really want to see you)

I need to say it

These lies that don't even come from my heart

Unbearable days, endless hours and uncountable minutes have passed since you've been gone, yet our memories still repeat over inside my mind like a never ending dream, or perhaps a nightmare that lasts for an eternity. For weeks I’ve been looking into every book trying to find a way to bring you back. Lucio has been more restless than usual, muttering things under his shaky breath and whispering curses along the halls, matters of life and death. Days after, just like every other year, on the night of his birthday the count threw a magnanimous party for all the kingdom with feverish lights dancing upon the crowded streets of Vesuvia making the veil from dream and reality as thin as the finest linen from the eastern lands. That night he called all of us over for a feast with the finest meats and drinks of the kingdom, but in the blink of an eye the air started to get heavier while the other guest voices also got more distant by every minute, a familiar voice finally spoke to me “Well, well, well… I wasn’t expecting you to actually carry out with this mad plan Asra” the Magician’s voice finally echoed through my ears “I’m afraid it’s the only way for them to be saved” each breath burning over my lungs “Who do you want to save, them or yourself, Asra?” the smoke stings my eyes while a single teardrop traveled down my face reflecting the blazing flames before me “Please, just bring them back to me”.

But my heart won’t listen to these words as I thought

Come back, come back, come back

When half of me is gone, how can I live as one?

I don’t wanna cry

I don’t wanna cry

Although I have a lot of tears

I don’t wanna cry

The memories of what happened that night now lay hidden among the many other secrets that support our lives. The morning after dawned upon me as if I drank every drop of wine on Vesuvia, with a light buzz on my head I still can feel the suffocating atmosphere lingering on my lungs, a dizzying sensation that takes over my sore body along with ancient voices that I’m far too familiar with, I believe the cards want to to you and upon a split second of enlightenment my feet lead me to the very woods that once held safe both of our laughter echoing through it. Blinded by hope and desperation I stand before the whimsical cave while hearing faint whispers calling me up to the depths of it, just like a string pulling my heart, I let myself be guided through its shadows grazing my hand on its damp colorful walls. Just like waking up from a fever dream I find myself standing in the middle of the water, luscious lights dance around my body when I finally grasp something that sends a slight sparkle of magic through my whole body. Among desperation and adoration our eyes at last meet again, tears go down my face and as much as I want to say a million things, I restrain myself to just hold you again in my arms and never let go of you.

I don’t wanna cry

When we see each other again

I don’t wanna cry

the images aren't mine! all rights reserved to © bianotbia 2024. please do not claim, translate, copy or modify any of my works as your own. reblogs are appreciated! ₊˚⊹ ᰔ

[hockybish]

An Accident

l west winds au l dad!trevor l masterlist l

I have a feeling people are going to be mad at me for this ... also there are warnings car accidents.

When driving to the game on March 19th things went a little haywire.

Trevor drove separate from Bean because he was planing on going out with some friends after the game to celebrate his birthday the next day.

Bean had picked Zephyr from Mia and Jamie's on her way to the game. It had taken her a little longer because Zephyr wanted her to pick some Reese's peanut butter cups up from the story so he could give one their friend Matt.

"How was school Zeph?" Bean asked as they sat in the car waiting in traffic. Although the drive to Anaheim wasn't very long, but sometimes there was traffic especially on game days making the drive longer.

"Good! We painted pictures, and Jojo said he liked my jersey. I told him it was my daddy jersey!" Zephyr ate his snack and recalled what he all did at the school that day.

Bean smiled listening to all her eldest baby had to say. She felt a little flutter in belly right in the spot where the new baby would be sitting and rubbed the spot.

While she was focused on the road ahead, a car on the opposite side of the road came toward them at a fast speed. The initial hit took her by complete surprise.

But it didn't stop with the one hit, by the time her car stopped getting smashed there were multiple cars involved with the vehicle the mother and son were most likely got the brunt of the impact.

"Mommy" Zephyr cried out for his mother. He had no idea what was going on. There were a lot of loud noises and then it had just stopped and his arm hurt and it was all so scary and confusing for the three year old.

"Zephyr, baby, hey. I'm right here. Mommy's here" Bean called out still in the front seat. Her whole body felt like it was on fire and it was getting hard to breathe. Also it felt like there a few droplets of blood rolling down her face "Zeph? I need you to be really brave right now. okay? Can you do that for mommy?"

She tried to reach her arm around the front seat to reach out for him, but she found she completely pinned in place, she couldn't move. What was worse was that her vision started to get a bit fuzzy and her eyes were heavy. Staying awake was a little bit hard at that moment. She thought maybe the pain would stop if she closed them for a little bit.

Trevor was having an off game to say the least. He was missing passes and easy goals, and looked completely aloof out there when he had accidentally committed a penalty and was forced to sit in the sin bin during the second.

"Dude what's got you so antsy tonight?" Jamie hit Trevor with his gloved hand when he returned to the bench after another shift.

"A funny feeling they aren't here and something's wrong." Trevor bit the inside of his cheek, a habit he picked up whenever he was nervous or anxious, similar to Bean's lip biting.

"Well you better pick it up or you'll get benched again." Jamie warned.

He didn't get any better by the third, but instead of benching they just greatly reduced his time on ice, making him feel worse. The Ducks' ended up losing the game to Minnesota.

After the game was over, the coaches could been seen talking with both Troy and Jamie. They were whispering and looking over at Trevor, making him feel a bit more uneasy.

Someone came over and gave him the news. His girlfriend and son were in a bad car accident. The news alone made him sick. Once he was able to contain himself, Trevor skipped the shower opting to get to the hospital as fast as he could.

"Are you Trevor?" A polite nurse tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. He nodded and followed her as she led him Bean's room.

Zephyr was sitting on Mia's lap, she was keeping him busy with a little hotwheels car, while Bean, who seemed to be asleep, laid in a bed with a couple of machines hooked up to her.

"They got lucky. They both have cuts and bruises, Zephyr has a broken arm and Tallulah has a broken pelvis that will most likely require surgery at some point." Bean's doctor looked over his noted again. "You can go in at anytime"

"What about-"

"The baby?" the doctor had finished his sentence for him. The man sighed, giving him a knowing look. Hearing him speak didn't give Trevor any reassurance everything would be okay in the long run.

It wasn't until later in the day on March 20th that Bean woke up.

She was super confused as opened her eyes and wiped the eye crusts from them. Where was going on. Bean looked over noticing Trevor, who was asleep with his head resting on the bed. She tried reached out for him, her finger tips just able to touch his hair.

"Trevor" Bean coughed, jolting the birthday boy awake.

"Hey Momma" Trevor leaned over to place bunch of kisses all over her face, finally relieved they all were going to be okay. Bean went to push herself up, but was met with major pain.

"Bean don't move. You broke your pelvis in the accident." Bean didn't remember what happened, so Trevor explained everything the accident, injuries and Zephyr the best he could. Her eyes wide running her hand over the bump. "He's okay, he's still there."

"I'm sorry. It's your birthday and we're here." She couldn't help but apologize. She knew this wasn't how he wanted to spend his birthday. Maybe they could get Jamie or Mason to bring in a cake or something.

"Tallulah Bean I don't care where we are. All I care about is that you're okay, Zeph's okay, and the new little dude is okay. I am happy where ever you are. I love you."

[creepylittlelady]

TOBY AND EJ IN YOUR AU PLEASE

Hello, sorry it took me so long to respond! I was quite busy today lol

I like Toby and EJ, so I have quite a bit on them! Sorry if you don't like them because they're not the most canon accurate, they're actually a bit more on the fanon side in some parts ;) I wanna give some more slice-of-life headcanons but if you want more serious ones I'll give them to you!

Toby

-So you know that 'Toby loves waffles :3" thing? Well in my AU it was a thing that happened but just not to that extreme. When he first moved into the mansion (Yes this is a Slendermansion AU), Waffles were his safe food and he ate them quite a lot, making the other residents at the time to make an inside joke about Toby loving waffles. These days he can't even look at a waffle without Jeff and Ben screaming "SAY THE LINE!" and staring at him until he says it.

It basically goes like:

Slender: What do you want for breakfast? Toby: *nervously fidgeting* Toby: *whispers* Waffles. Ben, from the other side of the room: DID I JUST HEAR SOMEONE SAY WAFFLES?? Ben and Jeff, in unison: SAY THE LINE TOBY! *UNCOMFORTABLE EYE CONTACT* Toby: *sighs* I love waffles. Ben: FUCK YEAH! Toby: I hate this stupid house.

-He's basically immune to Slender Sickness. Due to being around Slender so much he doesn't feel nauseous around him and gets really confused when newer residents get it when they first see him.

-He often has periods where he's really apathetic to most things and doesn't care, and then in the blink of an eye becomes an uncontrollable mess. He's got poor emotional regulation and when he gets irritated he goes into a RAGE about it.

-He secretly learnt Necromancy from a book in the Library and used it to try and bring back Lyra (is Lyra still a canon thing? Apparently she's her own character but I'm not sure at all). But Necromancy is a really difficult thing to accomplish so although he PARTIALLY brought her back she's more like a mindless zombie.

-Sometimes he'll visit his mother's house in the dead of night and leave presents for her. It's just something he does subconsciously that nobody knows about. On occasion Connie wakes up while he's doing it, but she just assumes that she's seeing things.

Every year on her birthday he breaks into her new house and places an inconspicuous birthday present on the dining table. She'll wake up the next morning incredibly confused on how it got there. Toby wishes that he and his mom can really meet again one day.

-Him and Natalie's relationship is...turbulent, to say the least. They've gotten together and broken up so much that nobody knows when they're dating anymore. They're really close regardless and hang out a lot, but they just hook up sometimes randomly, go on one date and break up again.

-His dad currently resides in the Underworld and Toby's met him several times. Due to his father being a sinner, the lowest of the low, Toby often beats him and stabs him with his axe every time he sees him. It's all perfectly legal.

-He frequently forgets random information about himself. Like at times he'll wake up and forget it's his birthday that day, he'll forget his age, sometimes he'll even forget his own name. Like deadass Masky will call his name like a million times and he'll be like "Man I hope this Toby fella answers soon".

-His closest friends are Masky, Hoodie, Kate and Natalie. He doesn't actually like Jeff all that much as he sees him as a dick, and he's pretty neutral towards most other people in the mansion. He HATES Ben and finds him scary, he won't even make eye contact. He prefers Eyeless Jack over the two of them however as he's Jeff and Ben's close friend he doesn't talk to him much.

-He actually secretly dislikes most of the mansion residents. Although he's pretty nice to everyone since he believes in yk not being a major bitch he doesn't care about most of them.

-MASSIVE PYROMANIAC, since he can't feel pain he doesn't really feel a sense of danger such as when there's a fire or when there's an enemy nearby.

-Okay, without delving too deep into my AU, he's one of the only ones who knows what's up 'going on' behind the scenes with Slenderman and Zalgo. He's somewhat aware of it so when an 'incident' happens he'll mainly be apathetic to it. Often times when Slenderman 'disappears', he'll cover for him.

-His mouth and jaw are incredibly numb so he can't really taste food, sometimes food will slip out of his mouth and he just won't know.

-When it comes to Sally and Lazari, he actually really likes them but sometimes when he's in his more irritable moods he finds them incredibly annoying and has snapped at Lazari a lot of times.

-When it comes to 'Missions' (like Proxy stuff), he's the only one that ever actually obeys Slender's orders. He has to remind Masky and Hoodie of what they're meant to be doing so much it tires him so he just lets them do what they think they're meant to do and laugh when they screw it up.

-He finds it funny with other people make mistakes, like he'll die of laughter when Laughing Jack hits his nose against a door.

-He owns a can of Pepper Spray that he'll use against Ben, Nina or the other ratchet Pastas when they get too crazy.

-Sometimes he'll act like fanon Toby, but more as a means of sarcasm. When Masky and Hoodie first met him they thought he was being serious so chocked him up as some incompetent loser, but he quickly let them know that he meant business.

-His love language is giving people random stuff. Like not even expensive stuff but if he likes you he'll hand you something random that he thinks you'll like. Or he'll give you a fun fact about a topic he knows you're interested in. He has a bunch of random Edgar Allen Poe or Drawing facts for Slender and Natalie. Once he gave Masky a black Sharpie he found lying in the woods for some reason.

-He's such a terrible singer on GOD but the thing is is that he loves singing so much that nobody can bring it up to him that he's shit at it.

-He has a lot of vocal tics, like he'll hum a random melody or yell "GOO GOOBIE!" randomly. Everyone's used to it. He's actually terrible at hiding from his victims because of this. He also has a tic where he throws WHATEVER is in his hands at that current moment right up into the air. Sometimes it's funny but other times it's concerning, especially when he's holding his own axe.

-Doesn't like video games because he finds them annoying and stressful.

-Once he got so mad at everyone that he checked himself into a Psych Ward under the name "Erin Rogers" and stayed there for a good six months. Everyone was so worried about him for a half of year and genuinely thought he was dead or in serious danger until one day he just waltzed back into the Labrinth unharmed and was like "Hey guys guess you've been wondering where I've been".

-He doesn't perceive the idea of people worrying about him so he does a lot of concerning things and doesn't realise that people genuinely worry for his safety sometimes.

-He's got no filter, or just has a really lax one. He'll say basically anything that comes to mind out loud, even if it's offensive to the person he's currently talking to.

-The kid goes missing A LOT. Slender actually had to file a Missing Persons Report for him because he disappeared for 4 months without contacting anyone. He comes back fine every time but he never tells anyone where he goes.

-Adding on to this, I kinda headcanon that he has a strange form of Amnesia where for months on end he'll forget who he is, anything about himself or his past, or even who anybody is around him. This causes him to run away frequently.

-He subconsciously uses himself as a human shield every time one of his friends is in danger. He'll throw himself in front of Masky and Hoodie if they're about to be shot by an Underworld General or something.

-Thinks that blood is really tasty and often will lick his own blood. This dude is NOT sanitary.

-Takes like one shower a year because he just forgets that he has a human body that gets dirty. Which is weird considering he's outside in the dirt and in a puddle of blood like every other day.

-He doesn't have a concept of boundaries so often time's he'll grab someone suddenly if he wants their attention. Usually it's harmless and the new Pastas get used to it eventually, but sometimes it's problematic when he grabs Lazari's horns or LJ's cone nose without their consent.

-Because in my AU Slenderman's Forest is a Labrinth where people don't age, although he's maybe in his 20s now he's still the exact same as he was when he was 17. He doesn't have a concept of time so this doesn't phase him as much as it phases EJ.

SPEAKING OF EJ...

Eyeless Jack

-He's got demon ears, and a demon tail. Yes that's right EJ IS A FURRY!!! Just Kidding but he does have some characteristics of a demon.

-There's a slight different between a Half-Demon like Lazari and a transformed demon like EJ. For one EJ has WAY more demonic urges than Lazari does and whilst hers are manageable, EJs definitely aren't. If he wants to kill, he has to do it otherwise he'll harm everything in his way, including himself.

-He's tried to cannibalise himself out of frustration several times, and his arms are now just permanently in bandages. Toby hits him with the Pepper Spray everytime he sees him chewing on any body part at all.

-When he's not submitting to his Demonic Urges, he's a really chill and nice guy. He's way more sane than anybody else in the Mansion and thinks everyone's unique and likes to observe them. His dream was always to be a doctor to support his parents and help others, so often times he takes care of people when they're sick.

-His demon side isn't that scary since he won't harm anybody he's close to, only himself and random people he comes across. Of course, you'll be terrified when you first see him absolutely DEVOURING the dead corpse of some random girl, but he'll always tell you that he'll never hurt you, even when he's in his Demonic State.

-Although he's an incredibly nice guy, he suffers severely with trust issues, especially when it comes to Romantic Affairs. Upon realising that Sally and Lazari were shipping him with all sorts of people, he got incredibly angry and told them that it wasn't okay.

-He's uncomfortable with romance in general after what happened with Jenny and doesn't see anybody in the Mansion as a potential Romantic Partner, since he sees relationships as something that will always end terribly and he doesn't want to soil his friendships with anyone.

-He's very close to Jeff and Ben, often coming along on their strange adventures just to watch. He believes that they aren't as bad as Toby thinks they are, so he finds it fun to hang out with them.

-He and Jeff are jokingly (KEYWORD JOKINGLY) romantic towards each other after finding out that Lazari had written fanfiction about the two of them. Although he doesn't like being shipped, Jeff helped turn into more of a funny inside joke.

-Although he has an affinity for human organs in his Demonic State and still nonchalantly consumes Kidneys regularly, he doesn't actually like meat. He's not really Vegan or Vegetarian, but he'll choose a Salad over a Steak, if you get what I'm saying.

-He's a valuable asset to the house due to his medical knowledge, and because of this is quite close to Dr Smiley and Nurse Ann, and often helps assist them with more serious cases like Natalie's eye infection and Jeff's mouth...injuries.

-He's one of the few people in the Mansion that actually liked Nina when she came, since most hated her initially, EJ helped her settle in and get to know everybody. He helps her a lot, especially when it comes to drama with her and Jeff.

-He really likes rock music and can play Guitar really well. He's not a great singer but can play an Acoustic Arrangement for any song you request him to do.

-Him and Liu are very close friends and helps Liu with panic attacks and sleep paralysis.

-He has a strictly PLATONIC relationship with everyone in the Mansion and outright discourages dating between residents, and didn't really approve of Natalie and Toby's relationship. Because of this he has no problem touching people in any way or sleeping in the same bed as people.

-As I said earlier, he did disapprove of Natalie and Toby's former relationship and advised them to break things off early, but he didn't really want to outright sabotage them. However, his own former trust issues subconsciously make him sabotage any romance he sees. He even discourages people on having CRUSHES in the Mansion.

-His trust issues cause a lot of problems, actually. Although he has no problem touching people or getting in their personal boundaries, he'll be PISSED if anybody grabs him suddenly or tries to hold his hand or anything like that.

-He has a rivalry with Laughing Jack over who's the better Jack. So far they're both even. Eyeless Jack insists that one day he'll win and be the true Jack.

-Okay in all seriousness EJ has been through a lot of shit, especially when he turned into EJ. I remember when I was little I saw this Creepypasta named "EJ Returns" or something like that where he was tied up in some Demon Hunter's basement.

This has happened to him a lot of times. Sometimes when he suddenly turns back to normal after eating somebody he'll get caught and he's the least fortunate out of everyone in the sense that the people that he gets caught by are ALWAYS occultists.

-He often has nightmares about being in this situation and because of this HATES basements and never goes into the Mansions basement unless there's a rotting corpse in there that he wants to eat.

-He desperately misses his old life, more than most of the Pastas do. Since his family and old friends are still alive he makes it an unhealthy habit to stalk them and follow them around in real life.

-In my AU, Jack Nyras is still a missing person and his disappearance was so mysterious that his case is still talked about on True Crime Podcasts. It was a nasty shock when he turned on the radio one day to discover people creating conspiracy theories on what really happened to him.

-When he came to the Mansion, his reaction was similar to Pomni from TADC. He believed it wasn't real. He broke down and wouldn't leave his room for WEEKS, and it was actually Jeff who brought him out of his shell. Although most Pastas think Jeff is a stuck up asshole EJ does have a sort of appreciation for him.

-He's blind, and although has a walking stick knows his way around the Mansion well enough to not need a guide. His sense of smell and his hearing is incredibly good.

-There's a lot of Braille books in the Library, and the section for it is referred to as the "EJ Section".

-He really likes Harry Potter and watches the movies every year.

-Jeff actually found him right outside the Forest, desperately consuming the flesh of someone Jeff had killed a day prior.

-Jack's sexuality is unknown, but we do know that he is at least attracted to women. He's claimed to have found men hot before but we may never know if he was telling the truth.

-His tail only really comes out when he's in his Demonic State, and yanking on it will NOT get you a good reaction.

-He has a fascination with watching people sleep. Don't ask him why, because he wouldn't tell you the answer.

-Upon his knowledge of what's 'going on', he has an understanding due to Toby constantly covering for Slender and Zalgo's strange behaviour. Due to being uncontrollably violent at times himself, he's sympathetic to whatever's truly going on but doesn't want to get involved.

-He does jobs with the Proxies quite a lot to the point where he even gets a paycheck (The Proxies are not slaves in this AU).

-He's really good at video games and even buys Ben a new Majora's Mask cartridge every year on his birthday to celebrate. Ben sees EJ as one of his favourite people and because of this tells him a lot about what his life was like before Drowning, but EJ won't tell.

-He owns a possessed item. It's a stuffed rabbit named Judas whom he insists can talk, but only when there is nobody else nearby. Lucy read Judas' aura and concluded that whoever is possessing Judas is a malicious entity. Despite this, EJ hasn't gotten rid of him.

-He discovered Nina and Liu and were the ones to bring them to the mansion.

-Due to the Forest being a Labyrinth and preventing it’s residents from ageing, EJ is constantly having an existential crisis on how old he is. Is he 19? Is he 29? Is he 50? He has no idea and worries about it everyday

Well, these are just some of them to get the ball rolling! I hope you liked them! If you want some more AU backstory I'll be happy to give more details ;)

If you want any more of them, whether it be on a specific topic, serious or light-hearted, feel free to ask! This was fun to write, I hope you enjoy reading, please correct me if I say anything that's too out of canon :3

If you’d like to ask for any characters in specific, any AU lore or any questions in general about the world then go ahead I promise I’ll try my best to always respond!!!

[en-chi-la-da]

general animal death talk below

last night my dog sissy finally passed away

when i say finally i don't mean it like "god FINALLY i've been WAITING for her to GO already", i mean it like, i've been expecting it. "she's a tiny elder dog so i shouldn't be surprised when it happens", it's happening > it happened > time goes on. she's lived a long life, a solid 21 years (her birthday is in january) which was way longer than i was expecting her to go to be honest (although it is the estimated lifespan for the chihuahua breed WHATEVER) she was a strong little geezer. never broke a bone, rarely got sick, it felt like she was indestructible, looking back on it all.

unfortunately, she did get sick once again, so it actually wasn't from her old age catching up to her (again, that's what i expected to happen). she became lethargic and weak, very hot, was not eating/drinking or getting up to use the bathroom, when she did it was only to pee, and lots of sleeping. when we got her checked out she was dehydrated, ran over 103-degree F fever, and they told us that after an ultrasound they had found some cysts that had developed in her lower body (her digestive tract i believe). they said her body was trying to fight off an infection, most likely from the cysts, but they couldn't tell if they were cancerous or not or if one of them had popped or something. in the end, she wasn't looking good.

long term, we would've had to pay for numerous tests and surgeries for them to figure out what exactly was affecting her and try to treat her, although with her current state and how old she was, the vet estimated that most likely, her body wouldn't be able to handle all of that. short term, the quality of life route, we administer painkillers for a predetermined amount of time until she passes on her own or we run out. or, euthanization right there in the clinic. i saw no point in the medicine, why try to keep her around, just so we could watch her continue to suffer in her own bed? so she could keep not drinking or eating? so the infection could keep spreading? so i could end up one day coming home to find her dead body? horrible and ugly and the last thing i want to remember her by.

it felt like the best course of action, all things considered. she gets to pass painlessly, and i get to say goodbye and hold her in my arms one last time. honestly, i hadn't even started crying until it was over. when i felt her stop breathing and the vet confirmed that her heart had stopped. sure, at this point i had already accepted the fact that she was dying, there's not much we could do about it without hurting her more, it's the cycle of life, it was her time to go, i knew it was going to happen eventually - still, despite everything i was telling myself, to just get through it, for her sake - all my feelings in that moment still hit me like a truck. never before had she felt so small.

her life and her death will remain with me for the rest of mine, and i can only hope to see her again one day, but not for a long, long time.

i'm okay now, for the moment. honestly, ive just been rewatching all the videos i have of her, continuing to think of her and remembering her life with me. all that's left is to let the grieving process pass, i suppose. this is the last pic i got of sissy - this was from only a day before she started getting sick, can you believe that? i have others of her obviously, but this one i'm more comfortable with sharing.

on 4-15-2024 i said goodbye to the strongest chihuahua i've ever known and had the pleasure of raising 💖 may she rest in peace! :')

[taddymason]

I saw the post, I have come.

How does Kaida feel about the Ninjas? If she could change anything, what would she change? If she were put in a room with the people she hates most in the world, who would they be and who would get punched in the face first? Does she have a favorite weapon? What story does Jay tell her that she likes the most? What Ninjago holiday does she like the most?

What did Jay hate most about his time in the Administration? Has he ever blamed another agent for something he did? What did Kaida do that made him think "this kid will be the reason for half of my gray hair"? What was it like when he heard Kaida calling him "dad" for the first time?

(WARNING REALLY LONG ANSWERS):

1- For now, her feelings towards them are complicated because she's always seen them as a threat.

When they first came to the Administration they were nothing more than a nuisance, but then they became a potential threat to her and Jay, and she definitely knew that they somehow knew about him. That their meeting had been as disastrous as possible didn't help matters at all because the impression she got from each of them was that they had hurt her family and ran away like it was nothing. Even when she finds out that Jay was actually part of that group, it makes things even worse because she goes from thinking of them as a physical threat to people who could take her only family away from her.

So, at this point in the story, she still has some resentment towards them, but it's more because she has no idea what they're capable of if they ever see it again. Also, something about Ras's words to Jay in chapter 18 "if they really cared about you, they would have found you sooner" doesn't help her view of them either (Ras is obviously trying to manipulate them both but from HER perspective, it's still like they didn't care enough about Jay to find him sooner).

2- Ras. No doubt. The room would have a couple of people from the Administration around and Cinder and Jordana, but Ras would be the first to get stabbed.

3- Her height bs, she would have liked to leave the Administration many years earlier and stop obeying orders before things got worse. and she would definitely change anything to avoid the end of chapter 16

4- If we obviously rule out firearms, it would be her dagger. It matches her fighting style quite well, it's the one she has the most experience with and the most confident with. Since her fighting style is more about taking her opponent by surprise to win quickly than being able to fight for a long time. Although she is very fond of the kusagirama that Jay gave her for her birthday even if she has a hard time using it

5- She always likes to hear about any stupid thing Jay did when he was a kid, but the anecdote about his flying invention is probably the one that entertains her the most.

6- Festival Day, mainly because it was her first real holiday and the most memorable one for her.

7- I think that aside from all the other things that were done during this time, it was probably the constant worry of what could happen to both of them if they screwed things up somehow, if he lost his job, if the Administrator came to think that they weren't indispensable. That added to the general attitude of all the agents, where the only priority was to work and nothing else mattered, it must have been terrible in his first months living there until he could finally adapt.

8- Yeah, and more than once,and somehow he got away with it every time.

9- mmm A lot of things. I have this idea for a "Jay and Kaida's five years in the Administration" one-show where Jay gets really sick, and he should be resting, but he can't afford to rest that much either because the Administration being the Administration. Long story short, Kaida burns down the kitchen trying to cook something for him. Or also on one occasion she uses one of the portals without his permission and almost gets lost until she manages to get back on her own. Suffice it to say that Jay lost years of his life on both occasions.

10- It was probably something like Kaida waking up from a really bad nightmare, crying, not really remembering what she dreamed, not knowing if it was a patrol or a memory from boarding school, calling his name until Jay came to comfort her. And just when she calmed down after a few minutes and he was leaving she would try, unsurely, having thought about whether it was her place to say it many times, wondering if he would mind if she addressed him differently, to whisper "good night, dad", and then pretend to sleep because she would be afraid to see his reaction. Jay would be surprised of course, freezing for a few good minutes, speechless, and then he would say goodbye to her with a broken voice, and I think it would be obvious that he would be trying and failing to keep from crying out of emotion.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for ghosting a guy?

I (18F, at the time 16F) met a boy (14M) at a new church group, while I was a closeted atheist. He seemed nice, but after I hung out with him for a few weeks a girl(15F? I don't know) that I didn't know came up to me and told me he had a crush on me. I asked him about it, and he said he didn't. That was a lie.

I kept hanging out with him, and he invited me and my cousin (24M at the time) who was a youth leader to his house for his birthday. While I was there, he gave me a switch online gift card, and then later took me aside and asked me out on a date with him. I said yes. He asked me later over discord if I had done it out of pity, and I told him that I wasn't sure if I felt that way about him, but that I had never been on a date and wanted to try it.

(Sidenote, I was considering the possibility that I might be asexual at the time, and didn't know about the split-attraction model yet, so I was also basically questioning if I was aromantic. There was a bit of a testing element to it, but also I was just genuinely unsure if I felt that way about him. I know I'm ace now, but I'm still not sure if I'm aro. I would not be comfortable telling him this.)

After I agreed to go on a date sometime, he started texting me a lot, and kind of acting like we were already dating. I was busy because my exams were coming up, but he kept trying to plan the date. I felt uncomfortable, and wondered if I should have turned him down. Then my mom came in.

I had told my dad earlier about the date, but he had to be out of town for a few days after and I wanted to tell my mom with him there. After he got back, it took me a few days to tell her. She was furious that I'd kept it a secret, and between that and my friend(15F at the time)'s mom telling her about this guy being bad news, she ordered me to tell him I wasn't going on a date with him. I texted him to tell him we weren't dating and never were, and that I wasn't going on a date with him. I felt bad, and mad that my mom had made me, but also relieved.

I didn't talk to him again, even as friends, for months. I came back to the group after he left, but he came back. He asked me what happened, and I told him that my mom had basically made me send him that text, but that I also had been stressed and didn't really want to date him. I thought maybe we could just be friends. I told him maybe we could try date years and years from now, but not anytime soon. But then he gave me his old laptop.

Now, giving someone a laptop is a nice thing, but it felt a little too much like a romantic gesture for me to feel comfortable with it, so I tried to refuse it. But my Dad was nearby when the guy offered it, and Dad said that a laptop sounded great. I don't think either of them realized how uncomfortable it made me, although I did talk to my Dad about it recently and he apologized. I still have never used that laptop.

A few other things:

He told me I wasn't like other girls, which felt like a red flag.

He made a few 'left-wing snowflake' jokes around the time I was becoming more left wing.

I didn't quite feel like myself around him.

My brother (13M at the time) told me that this guy had asked him if I was dating or had a crush on any other guys, and the guy seemed very happy when my brother said no.

Eventually, my parents decided we weren't going to that church anymore. I ghosted him. I felt bad, because he had been mad about me sort of ghosting him the first time, but I was really glad I didn't have to talk to him.

He just texted me out of the blue, and it's been well over a year since we last spoke. I really don't want to text him back, because I don't want to be around him. I felt sick when I saw his text. I don't want to do this again, but it feels mean not to text him. I just texted him.

Am I the asshole for ghosting him in the first place? Was I an idiot to text him back?

What are these acronyms?

[blackhill2245]

Suyin beifong x fem teen reader

Summary - fem reader gets sick while the team avatar is in zaofu

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I was exhausted, the team and I were heading to zaofu so we could throw a suprise birthday party for Lin.

We were all loaded onto the air ship. It was noisey and cramped, and all I wanted to do was go home. Well, I didn't have a home, but I just wanted to lay down and die.

If you couldn't guess, I didn't feel well, which is weird as I never get sick, I think the last time I got sick was when.... well, I can't remember.

You may be thinking,'Why don't you sleep' or 'stay home' you see I can't.

I was the one who had the idea of the suprise party in the first place, a lot of people needed convincing but I begged and pleaded, lin needed the break so I couldn't just not attend.

I radiod a-head to suyin to help set it up so it would be ready when we arrive, right now lin thinks we're on some diplomatic meeting, it was funny seeing Bolin try to lie we had to keep pulling him away so he wouldn't spill the secret.

I snap back into reality, seeing everybody get up to head off the air ship. I startle when I feel a hand on my shoulder.

I look up my eyes blurry and head thumping, "Kid?" I blink, trying to clear my eyes."Hmm? Oh, lin, " I say, finally able to see.

I see her furrow her brows and immediately stand up, I regret it immediately as my vision turns fuzzy, my head feels warm, and my ears ring. I wobble a little as lin tries to steady me. A few seconds later, everything clears up.

"Maybe you should sit down," asami says from the spot beside the door. It looks like everyone had stopped what they were doing. I let out a wet crunchy cough into my elbow, waving away the concern I waltz off the airship, nearly flying down the ramp.

Everyone exchanges looks but shrugs it off. Except for lin, she keeps an eye on me until we get to the group of people off the loading bay.

I'm not sure what happens next, but the next thing I know, I'm pulled into a hug. I relax almost immediately, smelling the familiar smell of metal and Jasmin. I sigh, snuggling into suyin.

"Hello dear." She smiles amused, and she looks to lin for an explanation. Normally, I'm not this touchy and do anything to avoid hugs or any kind of physical contact.

"She's sick." Bolin chimes in, I grunble."No I'm not" it came out muffled as I was still clinging to suyin.

I thought of suyin as a mother figure, I've never had a mother nor a father and she's the closest ove ever had, similarly lin was like an aunt, that's why I wanted to treat her, show her how much I appreciate her.

Suyin chuckles, her chest vibrating as she scratches the back of my head with her hand. "Hmmm," I smile doppily, "is she now?" From my peripheral vision, I see the gang moving inside. I blink, snapping out of it, clearing my throat. I let go of suyin. No matter how much I feel ill or how much I want to crawl back into her embrace, I planned this suprise, so by spirits, I'm going to witness it.

Suyin let's me go watching in concern as I stumbled to catch up to the rest of the group, we made it inside where the party was , we all sung happy birthday to lin who looked like she would rather be anywhere else.

The day progressed, and I kept getting worse, I was warm but cold, my nose kept running hut was blocked, my head was thumping which wasn't helped by the music, I was dizzy and felt nauseous not to mention the wheeze cough.

It was getting late, it was around 11 pm. we arrived around 6 pm. I hadn't interacted much with the group, which was normal, I was introverted, and although I loved my friends, they understood I needed space sometimes, which is why nobody noticed how unwell I was.

I crept out of the party, stumbling to a spare room unaware of the eyes on me.

Lin was about to follow me, but suyin interviewed, "I'll take care of her, enjoy the party." she spoke loudly to be heard over the music, "Are you sure?" Suyin chuckled she never thought she'd see the day. lin was worried over a 16 year old. "Yes, it's your party, go!" Lin was shood away.

I panted, finally finding an unlocked bedroom. I sighed, trying to take my clothes off, but I felt too weak and only succeeded in getting my pants half off, I felt like crying as I flopped on the bed coughing and wheezing as I went. I whine feeling uncomfterble when I felt a hand on my back.

I gasp startled, but it only led me to cough furiously into my elbow. "Shh, it's alright dear it's just me," I relaxed, turning onto my back to see her. "OH hun you do not look well at all." She sighed, placing her hand on my forehead she gasped "oh your very hot. " I smiled smugly "thankyou I know. " it turns out I had a high fever, making me feel delirious.

Saying rolled her eyes, leaving the room. "Hey!" I whisper, wanting her to come back, tears filled my eyes as I start to cry, a mixture of feeling miserable and feeling abandoned.

What felt like hours to me but most likely minutes in reality she returns with a cold towel, some medicine and tea. Immediately she spots the tears, setting everything down on the desk she rushed over, pulling me into a hug and brushing the tears away.

"I'm just so mean, huh?" She was clearly amused, but I didn't catch it, "yeah, " I sniffle.

"Well, how about some medicine and sleep?" She offers, "you stay?" I ask hesitantly, looking up at her. She nods softly. "Of course," I smile brightly before she finally notices my poor attempt at taking my clothes off. She chuckles. "Need help, sweetheart?"

I give my consent and she wastes no time stripping me, she runs over to a drawer pulling out some of her clothes. It's only then do I notice it's her room I stumbled into.

She dresses me in light shorts and a T-shirt that smells like her.

She gives me the medicine and tea, and it helps unblock my nose. Once everything was eaten and consumed and the damp towl turned into a sweaty damp towl. She helped me lay down, turning the lights off, "goodnight dear I'll be close by if you need anything" She opens the door about to leave.

I whine, struggling to stand up. Once I do, I walk over to her and cling. "OH, you're just a clingy baby, huh?" She was milking this. She was a touchy person, and I wasn't so to have me clinging to her was rather nice. "Uhhuh," I mumbled into her chest. She picked me up, not surprising me as I knew she was strong. She walks over to the bed where she sits down me, straddling her with my head in her chest.

She starts to hum her chest vibrating as she cards her hand into my hair. I relax tearing up slightly, I've never had this much affection from someone before it made me realize how much I love suyin,and how I viewed her as my mother. So I decide to tell her that as my fever makes it so I have no filter, how convenient.

"I love you," I whisper. She stops for a second hand stilling in my hair. She takes a shuddering breath, "I love you to my darling girl." I cling to her tighter, holding back tears, "you're like my mom" I tensed waiting for her reply.

"You're like my daughter too, and I'm so proud of you." she hugs me tighter. I feel a tear land on my hair, but don't mention it.

She starts humming again, gently swaying side to side. "Good night, my daughter." I smile so bright my cheeks hurt, "good night, mom.".

Although I was miserable for another couple of days after, I was happy, I got the family and home I've always wanted, and I got loads of snuggling. Turns out I don't hate physical contact, I'm just touc starved. Who would have, though?

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it. I didn't have a plan for this lol I went with the flow.

[lovesosweeet]

better left unsaid // cth

chapter forty six

in which orion has leukemia, and calum doesn’t know.

calum hood x fem!oc

read other chapters // read on AO3

january 22, 2019 madrid, spain orion

The flight to Madrid feels like it takes forever. I’m excited to go back, and based on how much Calum is checking his email, he must have a lot of things planned for us. I wish he didn’t, because I doubt I’ll be able to do more than a few things each day. I’m just too tired. 

My doctors connected me with a hospital and a doctor in the city just in case I need to see one. They’ve got my records and everything and, while I can speak Spanish, Calum can’t, so we made sure to choose a facility with translators and bilingual staff. I doubt we will need to, since the past few months have been fairly uneventful. I just feel like shit, but nothing is changing.

We both have had to wear face masks from the moment we left for the airport, which feels silly, but Dr. Gupta said that if I’m in any kind of high traffic area, it’s vital that I do my best to protect myself. Although, it is a bit helpful for camouflaging Calum. With half his face covered and a hat on his head, you can barely tell him apart from another man of his height with brown hair. 

Ilse and Giuseppe are flying in to Madrijd later on in the week to see us, and I’m so excited to get to see them, along with the other girls. I’m sad that we won’t get to do a lot of the things that we used to. We can’t go out anywhere to do pretty much anything. I’m really grateful to be here, but I don’t feel like Calum will be able to do anything here that we wouldn’t do at home. 

Since we won’t be taking the metro, in an effort to keep me away from germs and sickness, Calum is renting a car here, so we’ll be able to drive around to everything. For his birthday, we’ll be driving to Valencia for a night so we can see the beach here.

When we land, Calum makes me pose under the “Bienvenidos a Madrid” sign, and I hope I don’t look as tired as I am in the photo. I’m trying not to act like it, but I really just want to go to sleep. We came all this way, and all I really want to do is hole up in our hotel room. 

“Want to stop somewhere for some tapas and a glass of tinto?” Calum asks when we get our bags into the rental car and take our seats.

I look over at him. He has excitement written all over his face. His brown eyes are gold and sparkling, his smile endearing, and I can’t say no. “Sure, sounds good.”

I do my best to smile. I want him to enjoy this trip. It’s for his birthday, after all. I can’t ruin it by being too tired to do anything, so I swallow the feeling of wanting to go straight to the hotel and try to take in Madrid as we enter the city. In my heart, it feels so good to be back. 

We get to a small bar in La Latina that has a patio and Calum can’t stop smiling while we sit at the small metal table. He reads over the menu, even though he undoubtedly already knows what we’ll order and can barely understand the rest of what he sees. 

“So, I was thinking,” he starts, reaching across the table to grab my hand. “Oh, wow, your hand is freezing!” 

He holds both of them now, rubbing them to try to warm them up. I smile at his sweetness, but raise my eyebrows for him to continue. 

“We get some food, head to the hotel and take a nap, and then we can go to a convenience store to get some wine and stuff and then we can head to Retiro to watch the sunset?”

I nod. “Yeah, sounds perfect.” 

He has me order for us when the waiter comes since my Spanish is far better than his. They bring us our drinks and food quickly, and Calum is taking on my role as obsessive photographer and says he needs photos of everything. He even makes me ask the server to take a picture of the two of us, something he has never done before in his life. 

With Calum watching on, I do my best to sip from my jarra of tinto and eat a few of the fried potatoes he ordered for me. It’s obvious that I can’t stomach much, though, and it makes me feel bad. I feel bad physically, obviously, but I’m already worried about how this whole trip will go. I’m not going to be a fun partner. 

“Lucia and Paula said they’re up for breakfast tomorrow,” Calum says, breaking my staring contest with my patatas bravas when I look up at him instantly.

I smile. “Cool, that will be great, Cal.” 

He smiles back and nods before he pulls out his phone and types something in. When it’s face down on the table again, he looks straight back at me. “I know you may not be able to do much while we’re here. I know you’ve been really tired and sick for a while, so please just tell me if you ever need a break or anything, okay? Don’t over exert yourself. We’re here to do whatever you want to do.”

For some reason, that makes my heart drop.

“We’re here for your birthday, Cal,” I say. My tone is quiet. He just said what I should want to hear, but I don’t feel any better after he’s said it. 

I want him to look back on this trip fondly. This is one of our last things we’ll ever do together possibly. After everything I’ve put him through, can I ruin this, too? 

“I’ll have other birthdays,” he says.

My stomach lurches. I could throw up.

He realizes what he’s said, and I practically watch his mouth dry and the gears in his brain whir. I know he has no idea what to say, and I don’t expect him to. He’s not wrong. He will have other birthdays. He will have almost an entire lifetime of birthdays after this.

Without me. 

I sigh, clear my throat, and refrain from crying. 

“I know.”

next part

a/n: hi !!!!!!! lil baby update. ty for your patience as I've taken a break from BLU! check out the other two shorter fics I've written in the meantime if you'd like! they're both very different from BLU and each other but are only 10 parts each and ofc about cal. check my masterlist here if you need some new material :)

[scribblestatic]

Ogh, my brain is super deadspace right now. I have an assignment from the job that's not paying me enough, but I don't even feel like doing it. Like, I am, but I don't wanna do it right now. I want to write stuff I enjoy, but I'm not sure where to start.

So I'll just start by talking more about the Marnie AU I have for the Sonic franchise, cause I realized that I didn't actually post a lot about her around here despite thinking I did.

It must've been something on a Twitter I've already deleted.

Anyway, about Marnie.

---

Marnie is the result of the stuff that happened after the purple Chaos Emerald was temporarily destroyed by Dr. Eggman. As mentioned in the first post I made about her a while back, Sonic (intersex) and Shadow did The Letter H, not expecting anything to come of it like all the other times, but well, Chaos energy doesn't follow logic all the time, especially when something as important as a Chaos Emerald needs to be reformed.

So, no, Marnie isn't actually the Chaos Emerald, but she is a biproduct of pure Chaos energy, so her connection with the Chaos Emeralds is pretty strong.

She's 3 years old, but she looks to be about 6-ish because she grows faster than normal. Her powerful blood means she only ever gets sick with something once, and after a day or two, she becomes immune to it. Marnie can digest just about anything, from chili dogs to heavy metal gaskets and oil. Though, she generally prefers human and mobian food when she feels like eating.

She's an alien-hedgehog hybrid with low empathy but an inquisitive mind. Sometimes she can come off as rude or selfish, but she doesn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings. She also doesn't quite understand jokes or sarcasm all the time, but she's getting better at it with Sonic's and Shadow's help. Though, really, Sonic does a lot for her socialization, because Sonic's also surprisingly low on his own empathy.

(After all, he keeps Eggman around because "he can do good," but if he's honest, he just finds Eggman incredibly entertaining... What? Others are the ones who started calling him a hero. He's just a guy who loves adventure. He's not happy that people die or get hurt sometimes, but it's not like he can or wants to control the world, y'know? Whoever said great power comes with great responsibility is a hack. He just goes along with the hero shtick cause saving people is fun and that's how he's made his friends, and he's happy if they're happy.)

It's because of their similarity in this regard that he's able to teach her how to find things important to her and do what she enjoys in ways that isolate her less. After all, although he initially didn't really get why Tails was following him, the fox grew on him, and now Tails is his brother! She may not feel the same things others do, but there's a lot of positive feelings in not being lonely.

Given, Shadow is also lower on empathy than others, typically just doing what he wants to do and what he feels is right. Sonic and Shadow very much aren't that different in that regard. But Shadow has experienced tragic loss in ways Sonic hasn't (not to anyone's knowledge, but honestly, Sonic's history is nebulous), so he is also quite in touch with his emotions, especially after Sonic's birthday a few years back.

(He values the planet, but the beings on it could die and he would not care. He has fewer close to him than Sonic, but he does fiercely protect those he has allowed in his inner circle. At the end of the day, if the world turns on him, he'll turn on the world, but he won't let the planet die out. As much as he misses Maria, he doesn't care to give humanity more chances. But the blue planet, a relic and important memory of his first family—and now, the home of his second and third ones—will always be something he wants to care for as long as his ultimate power remains.)

Anyway, with both her parents understanding her fairly unempathetic nature, she has not once felt a lack of love from them. And, while she may not always understand how others feel and can't quite put herself in their shoes all the time, she's compassionate, generous, and hardworking. She also tends to go with the flow of things, even if she's uncomfortable with the situation. But she tries to get her questions answered by evaluating whatever is happening around her, only asking when she feels she doesn't understand.

I'll write some more about her a bit later.

[blixabargelds]

can u explain y ppl think roman was sexually abused i feel like that’s gone over my head. as much as that would explain ab him

tw csa//

i don’t feel wholly comfortable with my ability to give this a lengthy competent answer because the subject matter makes me feel sick, but there’s lots of hints to it in the show if you read it that way.

roman’s consistent jokes about sexual abuse are directed at himself as the punchline the majority of the time, combined with his habit of playing essentially two truths and a lie (“i jerked off in gerri’s bathroom”) could mean there’s at least some truth to the ‘jokes’. roman being sent away to military school because he “went weird and started wetting the bed”. when the cruises scandal broke, the use of “no real person involved” to describe the abuse victims vs kendall telling roman he’s not a real person in too much birthday. all three of them growing up around the wolf pack (someone pointed out the connection here with the name romulus which is just. sheesh). roman’s inability to perform sexually; the time he asks tabitha to play dead saying “if we agree on a wrong thing then it’s not wrong”, shiv saying he loves showing his dick to people but one day he’s actually going to have to fuck something, and how he seems to get more upset about this than her usual jabs.

there’s plenty more im sure but i don’t really fancy doing a deep dive into subtextual csa on a friday morning lol. of course none of this is confirmed to be connected to any direct sexual abuse but if you read it that way i think it’s plenty backed up. succession generally lets you read between the lines, although i don’t know if they wouldn’t have been more overt with it by now as there are many scenes of roman’s confirmed past (and present) physical abuse. i will just say towards the end of season three specifically in too much birthday (“he loves fucking me”) and after dickpic gate, logan asking roman what’s wrong with him, i did feel nauseous as fuck like something was on the verge of coming out.