#although I'm not good at it myself
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Super self-insert soft thought, but I used to be a figure skater, so I often imagine going on an ice skating date with Mingi and this tall princess just being bambi on ice 🥹
mingi would jump at the chance to do any sort of date with you, including ice skating!
he hasn't been ice skating since ehe was little, but is keen to try it, especially considering it's such an important aspect in your life!
however, the minute he sets foot on the ice, he slips and slides, waving his arms like lively windmill. you have to stifle a laugh as you grab his arm and stabilise him. he is indeed like bambi on ice, his long legs not seeming to get use to the peculiar feeling of gliding.
he falls on his ass a couple of times and you laugh. but for the most part, you will happily help him, a patient teacher for him as you guide his steps, one foot infront of the other, holding his hands for every step of the way. and when he finally feels like he is ready to brace the ice alone, he'll let go of your hand, arms still waving about a little, but he's more confident now.
but he'll mainly stay close to the edge, especially when he feels he needs a break when he gets too overwhelmed with hesitance. but when he grips against the side, he watches you, how elegant you look gliding on the ice, like a serene angel. and he decides he would much rather watch you enjoy yourself and doing something you love than try and attempt something that's beyond him. and so he smiles like an idiot in love as he watches you in your own little world...
#mingi#song mingi#i love watching ice skating so this is self indulgent for me too lol#although I'm not good at it myself#ateez soft hours#soft hours#soft thoughts
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Why Kristoph Gavin Is Like That: An Essay
Alright so common sentiments I've seen regarding Kristoph are "Why is he like that" and "I want to study him in a lab" and I am a psychology nerd, so I decided to analyze Kristoph. Obligatory disclaimer: I am not a psychologist. Wanting to analyze Kristoph's behavior may or may not have gotten me interested in criminal and forensic psychology but I am not a psychologist. I am simply a guy who likes to psychoanalyze fictional characters from the most clinical perspective I can get to without actually being a psychologist. So let's begin.
Part 1: Diagnosing Kristoph Gavin
The thing about Kristoph is I think to fundamentally understand him, you need to diagnose him. In fact, I haven't posted my analysis of Kristoph's black Psyche-Locks because of it. As I said, I'm not a psychologist, but I do enjoy looking through the DSM-5 every once in a while, so I'm going off of that.
When you first look at Kristoph's behavior, you would (understandably) say he's a narcissist. From a purely colloquial perspective, this is absolutely true. However, I also think he very likely has narcissistic personality disorder. To be completely clear, I don't think his behavior is inherently a result of this. I think his behavior is a result of realizing he has a problem (even if he doesn't realize it's narcissism, he does acknowledge that he's fucked up because the reason he gives for killing Zak is "I am an evil human being") and not bothering to get help for it. In fact I'd argue he embraces it. So let's go through the DSM-5's diagnostic criteria for NPD (I don't need to explain where most of these are applicable but I'm going to anyway).
Criterion 1: Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements) - While I don't personally think the examples provided by the DSM-5 are reflective of Kristoph's behavior (although I think an argument could be made about him exaggerating his achievements, depending on if you think he was forging evidence before the Gramarye trial, which I personally do but I'll get into that later) I absolutely think he has a grandiose sense of self-importance because he canonically has a god complex, which is implied to be why he became a defense attorney; by doing that, he made people depend on him and literally had people's lives in his hands.
Criterion 2: Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love - I don't really know exactly how applicable this is, and it might've been more applicable when he was younger. However, he was so determined to get a win over Klavier in Klavier's first trial to forge evidence over it, so there's something to be said about him having a preoccupation with success not unlike Manfred I think.
Criterion 3: Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions) - He literally says this himself. He literally says the jury is made up of "ignorant swine" and says they're soiling the courts, I don't know what else to say on this point
Criterion 4: Requires excessive admiration - I will once again point you to the implication that he became a defense attorney specifically to make people dependent on him. The judge calls him the best defense attorney in town so I think it's safe to assume he's never lost a trial (which I will bring up again later). The nanosecond it's implied Apollo is turning on him and losing admiration for him, Kristoph takes it as a fucking betrayal, specifically saying "Et tu, Justice? You would betray me, your teacher?" Reminder, this is because Apollo decided to listen to Phoenix's testimony.
Criterion 5: Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations) - Can I say his cell is evidence of this? No? Alright. He seems pretty fucking upset when he's reminded he's not the defense attorney in Phoenix's case. What does this imply? He acts like he's entitled to acting as the defense attorney during the case. This in comparison to the other defense attorneys who have acted as co-counsel at some point (Mia, Diego, Phoenix, Apollo, Kazuma, Athena) who let the acting defense attorney do their damn job. Like it might even be that no other lawyer acting as co-counsel has ever acted as entitled as Kristoph does that makes it feel like Kristoph comes off as entitled in the first place (in which case, I very much think Kristoph is meant to come off as entitled during Turnabout Trump).
Criterion 6: Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends) - I'm not explaining this. Phoenix's disbarment hinged on this, I refuse to explain this. I already made a post about it in regards to Apollo, I'm not explaining this here
Criterion 7: Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others - I think in order to be as horrible as he is, he would have to lack empathy. Idk. Like he obviously lacks empathy but I don't know how to explain it.
Criterion 8: Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her - Literally his motive for everything. He got Phoenix disbarred because he was upset over Zak firing him.
Criterion 9: Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes - I will once again direct you to him calling the jury "ignorant swine" in Turnabout Succession.
That is 8 out of 9 criteria he definitely meets and one that's debatable. You only need to meet five of the critera to be diagnosed. The only reason one is debatable is because we don't get into Kris's head. Conclusion: "Kristoph has NPD" isn't an unreasonable assumption. Kristoph having NPD is actually why I haven't posted the analysis on his Psyche-Locks; I didn't think I could explain Kristoph having NPD well in that post and having that explanation is crucial to understanding that analysis (which will be added to this one instead of it being its own post).
As I said at the start, I do not think Kristoph having NPD makes him a horrible person. I think he knows he has a problem, and instead of getting help for it, he embraces it. He chooses not to get help and that choice and him borderline embracing his narcissistic traits is what makes him a horrible person. This is yet another thing that makes Kristoph and Klavier so interesting; Klavier exhibited similar narcissistic tendencies at 17 (although not near as bad as Kristoph) but it feels like he recognized that he had a problem and got help for it. Narcissistic personality disorder can be caused by trauma, and it wouldn't surprise me if Kristoph and Klavier had very similar yet very different responses to whatever traumatic event they experienced. In Kris's case, this resulted in NPD that he didn't get help for and arguably embraces.
Part 2: Evidence Forgery & A Perfect Trial Record
The judge explicitly refers to Kristoph as "the best defense attorney in town" when he asks about Apollo's status as the acting attorney and Apollo refers to Kristoph as a "top-notch defense attorney" when he asks Phoenix why he wanted Apollo to be his attorney. In my opinion, both of these statements would imply that Kristoph has never lost a trial. Even Phoenix has lost trials, and he basically had Kristoph's reputation before being disbarred (which has some super interesting implications actually). This is where Klavier comes into play.
For Kristoph to forge evidence to guarantee a win, he's either not as good a defense attorney as his reputation would have people believe, or he was confident Klavier had a chance to win the trial. If we really think about it, I think the first option, that Kristoph just isn't as good a defense attorney as people think, is more likely, and this also leads into the evidence forgery discussion. He had no qualms about spending $100k on forged evidence. This implies one of two things; either he's forged evidence before or he's von Karma levels of rich. I think it's much more likely that Kristoph forges evidence to make up for the fact that he's not actually as good a defense attorney as people think he is.
He's a year younger than Phoenix, so if we assume he became a defense attorney at the same age as Phoenix (24), he'd already been a defense attorney for two years at that point. Going a bit further, if we assume he became a defense attorney at the same age as Apollo (22) instead, then he'd been an attorney for four years by the time Zak's trial was happening (and he had been an attorney long enough by Zak's trial to be well known, as Klavier says "Ah, figures my bro's more famous in this part of town" when the judge asks if Klavier and Kristoph are related). There's plenty of room for him to forge evidence there, as long as the decisive evidence doesn't require replication of something that would be unique, like handwriting. He could (probably) easily forge a murder weapon or a bloodstain. This would explain why he's so willing to pay $100k for a forgery too. If we keep with the assumption that he forged evidence his entire career but never had to do anything with something like handwriting, he'd probably pay an arm and a leg to get the evidence he needs.
Considering Kristoph is also willing to murder people over a seven year old case, I wouldn't be surprised if he defended people he knew were guilty. Depending on the case, he would probably have to forge evidence at some point.
Part 3: Black Psyche-Locks
Kristoph having black Psyche-Locks when he's asked about why he killed Zak is interesting. It makes a lot more sense if you keep in mind that he is a narcissist. To fully explore Kris's Psyche-Locks, we need to go back to something Spark Brushel mentions in Turnabout Succession's MASON system section.
Spark says that Kristoph started stalking everyone who could conceivably be involved in Zak's case out of paranoia. In Kristoph's brain, this was probably completely justified. His paranoia was specifically rooted in the belief that Zak would appear to someone involved in the case and expose Kristoph's forgery. Kristoph stalked Spark, he stalked Phoenix, he stalked the Mishams, I wouldn't be surprised if he (attempted to) stalk Klavier. If the fact that he forged the evidence that got Phoenix Wright disbarred ever got out, his reputation would be tarnished beyond repair, and to him, his reputation is the most important thing he has. He was so careful about how he handled the forged diary page that nobody suspected anything was even wrong with it except Klavier. All of this adds context to his Psyche-Locks being black instead of red.
I think it's incredibly likely that whether through paranoia-fueled delusion or just not being able to consciously acknowledge that he did kill Zak (which, if revealed and then investigated, could absolutely expose all of Kristoph's wrongdoings, something I think he would've realized), he genuinely didn't realize he killed Zak. I 100% think it's possible that Kristoph genuinely thought he'd killed some random guy on impulse. "But Jinx," I hear you saying, "why would he have gone after Zak if he didn't realize who he is?" As I said, I think it's possible that Kris thought he killed a random guy on impulse. He didn't plan to kill Zak. If he had, he would've been more prepared for it. I think some part of his brain recognized Zak which is what gave him the impulse in the first place, but he didn't become consciously aware of it until Turnabout Succession. Alternatively, he got so far in denial that he managed to delude himself into genuinely thinking he hadn't killed Zak, and he had just killed some rando named Shadi Smith. Phoenix didn't even recognize Zak when he introduced himself as Shadi. If Phoenix, who played poker with and defended Zak and has a picture of him in his office, didn't recognize Zak immediately, why would Kristoph?
It's also not impossible that there are multiple other murders Kristoph's committed that we don't know about. Hell, he tried to poison the Mishams after Zak's trial. At the very least I don't think that was his first time attempting murder. Kristoph's not an idiot, he's just careless (which doesn't surprise me, considering he is so convinced that if he ties his loose ends he won't get caught that he doesn't even tie his loose ends all the way, nor watch what he says in regards to murders he committed). That's not to say he's some kind of mastermind either, but he is intelligent. I don't think he could pull Simeon Saint levels of bullshit but he's very much capable of successfully and skillfully manipulating people. My point here being, if he has murdered other people before he murdered Zak and after he attempted to poison the Mishams, he probably wouldn't be surprised about having the impulse to kill some random guy, making him more inclined to believe he did just kill some guy.
I also think it's worth it to compare how Athena's Psyche-Locks broke in Dual Destinies to Kristoph's behavior. Athena was able to be eased into her Psyche-Locks breaking. She didn't have any reason not to trust the things Phoenix was saying. Kristoph is so paranoid that he doesn't trust anyone. He wouldn't have been able to have his Psyche-Locks broken because he would just deny everything that's being said until he can't deny it anymore and breaks down, something at least directly related to his paranoia, if not also his NPD. This is why I mentioned in this post that breaking Kristoph's Psyche-Locks would always be a bad idea. He'd never get to a point where he'd be able to mentally handle the truth. Kris's trust issues run so deep that he'd never trust anything anyone's saying until the damage is already done and the Psyche-Locks are broken. In Kristoph's case, there's no way to break those fuckers without causing the damage Pearl mentioned as something that'll happen if they're broken when they're not ready to be. I wouldn't be surprised if this is why Kristoph's breakdown in Turnabout Succession is so intense.
Part 4: Kristoph's Personal Relationships
For this section, I'm going to discuss each of Kristoph's relationships separately, then go into what his relationships say about him in general. So let's start.
Kristoph & Klavier
Kristoph and Klavier's dynamic is genuinely one of the most interesting in the Ace Attorney series to me.
Klavier doesn't really talk about Kristoph much, and the same sorta seems to apply to Kristoph. We don't learn anything about Klavier and Kristoph's dynamic until Turnabout Succession, and we know Kristoph didn't talk about Klavier because Apollo didn't even know Kristoph has a brother. When we do see what their dynamic was like in 2019, it's Klavier being used by Kristoph. Kristoph used Klavier to get Phoenix disbarred, and it weighed on Klavier's mind for seven years.
I also think it's worth noting the following exchange from Turnabout Succession:
Klavier: Let's clean out the family closet, eh, Kristoph? Kristoph: You're spinning out of control. Calm yourself before you say something you'll regret. Klavier: Spinning out of whose control? Mine? …Or yours?
Which implies that Kristoph exhibited some kind of controlling behavior towards Klavier. It doesn't surprise me because Kristoph's a control freak. I'd also be more surprised if Klavier wasn't afraid of Kristoph killing him at some point. Additionally, something I mentioned in my Klavier analysis is that in the 2019 section of Turnabout Succession, Klavier does have a good view of Kristoph and even seems to look up to him. He takes Kristoph at his word that Phoenix is going to present forged evidence despite (by 24 year old Klavier's account) finding it weird even then, and keeps him anonymous when he brings up the fact that Phoenix presented forged evidence. Another thing I mentioned in the aforementioned Klavier analysis is that based on Klavier's behavior, he didn't realize Kristoph was manipulating him until sometime after the 2019 section of Turnabout Succession. Something made Klavier realize he was being manipulated. Could be age or that Kristoph did something that made Klavier realize Kristoph was a piece of shit, but no matter what it was, something happened that made Klavier's view of Kristoph shift.
Kristoph & Phoenix
Kristoph and Phoenix are also really interesting to me because Kristoph's end of their friendship is fueled by paranoia, and Phoenix's side is fueled by a desire to keep Kristoph close and basically investigate him. It's toxic on both their ends, and that makes it really interesting. Their dynamic also has a really good example of "Kristoph will lash out if someone even minutely slights him" in both Phoenix's trial and Vera's.
During Phoenix's trial, Kristoph gets so upset over the trial even slightly alluding to the potential for him being present to kill Shadi that the judge has to remind him that Phoenix is his client. Phoenix is also so determined to get Kristoph caught that he forges evidence (technically twice) and revamps the entire justice system (and this was exclusively to get Kristoph caught). They're both incredibly petty with each other. I'm not really sure what to add here, they're just so toxic they should come with a radiation warning.
Kristoph & Apollo
Apollo looks up to Kristoph. Kristoph uses this to his advantage during Phoenix's trial, using the fact that Apollo is loyal to and looks up to both Kristoph and Phoenix to emotionally manipulate him. He then probably tries to use "You would betray me, your teacher?" to further manipulate him, but Apollo's desire to find the truth overrides his loyalty to Kristoph (something Apollo literally tells Kristoph).
Kristoph has one final instance of trying to emotionally manipulate Apollo; he gets Klavier to the point where he essentially shuts down then blames Klavier shutting down on Apollo. This doesn't work of course, and Apollo bulldozes on through anyway.
In general I think we can come to a pretty solid conclusion that Kristoph will either manipulate and gaslight people to get what he wants or stalks them out of an intense paranoia that's directly related to how he sees himself as a result of the NPD he didn't get treatment for. Instead of coping with things like a normal fucking person, he resorts to both physical and psychological violence and stalking.
Part 5: Conclusion
So here we are. Almost 3k words later. I do not want the takeaway from this to be "Kristoph's a manipulative, violent asshole because he's a narcissist" and if that's your takeaway you need to rethink literally everything I said here. The fact that Kristoph could be diagnosed with NPD has nothing to do with him choosing violence. NPD has nothing to do with him choosing to stalk everyone involved with Zak's trial instead of getting help for his paranoia. I want that to be perfectly clear. The thing with NPD is it can be hard for the person suffering from it to realize they have it and subsequently get help for it. Kristoph's problem isn't exactly that he has NPD. It's that he never got help for the thinking patterns the NPD caused. Had he gotten help I don't think he would've ended up stalking and murdering people. He'd still have NPD, but he wouldn't be near as fucked up.
It's why Klavier and Kristoph are so interesting as characters. Klavier has narcissistic traits but he evidently got help for them, as he's nowhere near as egotistical at 24 as he was when he was 17, although he does start exhibiting those traits again under high stress situations. He's still not completely okay mentally (otherwise he wouldn't regress like that), but he's also better than Kristoph at managing his symptoms when they do show up. Kristoph doesn't even try to get help for his symptoms, which leads to his downfall. Had he gotten help for his narcissism, he might've ended up a bit more like Klavier.
I hope Ace Attorney's prison system has a proper therapy program. I hope Kristoph's able to get help when and if he decides he wants it, because I am personally of the belief that everyone deserves help if they want it, and Kristoph's no different. I don't think he deserves to have Phoenix, Apollo, or Klavier back in his life, and I wouldn't blame any of them for never talking to him again, but that doesn't mean I don't think Kristoph deserves help. He would just have to realize he has a problem first, which I doubt happened soon after Apollo Justice and I'd frankly be surprised if it ever happens. But I hope the offer for help is there if he decides he wants it.
So why is Kristoph Like That? Untreated mental health issues that he's implied to realize is a problem.
*Again, please do not act like I'm saying Kristoph having NPD is an excuse for his actions. He chose not to get help. He chose to stalk people. He chose to kill people. Him having NPD isn't an excuse for that. My goal here was simply to answer "Why is Kristoph Gavin like that?" Do not misconstrue my intentions here or what I'm saying. Kristoph's NPD isn't what drove him to do what he did. Him choosing to embrace symptoms that hurt people did.
#ace attorney#kristoph gavin#ace attorney analysis#character analysis#apollo justice ace attorney#apollo justice spoilers#aa4#aa4 spoilers#tw stalking#tw manipulation#tw murder#tw abuse#is it obvious that i'm super nervous to post this because i said kristoph has npd#anyway be civil please#ALSO i very much think kristoph is a good example of what can happen when you dont get help for severe mental health issues#hell im experiencing it myself (although not anywhere close to the same degree as kristoph)#i have what im pretty sure is borderline personality disorder (ironically realized because of klavier)#but im not in a position where getting help is easy which is not making my life any easier#i didn't even realize it was a massive problem until i did research on what splitting looks like for a fanfiction. at which point i was lik#“huh. this sounds INCREDIBLY similar to experiences i've had. maybe i should get help for this”#take this as your cue to be like me and get help for your mental health conditions. you will (probably. hopefully) not regret it
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Harlequin Fox in progress! (reference image: Harlequin, as played by Vaslav Nijinsky and painted by Georges Barbier!)
image description: an unglazed fox with blue and red diamond patterns, including a "mask" over its face. its eyes are half-closed.
#work in progress#ceramics#fox#fox sculpture#harlequin#I think I'm going to keep this one myself. he's just too perfect. too targeted to me personally#although I'd love to make more in the same design#HOWEVER this did take five hours. so. it's a bit heavy on the labor alskdjflksjflkksd#the diamonds took soooo long to get looking good#round and organic shapes are way easier to paint#if you saw a previous version of this post no you didn't <3#just changed the pictures slightly. thumbs up
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genshin impact ❖ teyvat storyline, 4/?
#genshin#genshinedit#genshinet#genshin impact#mondstadt#liyue#inazuma#sumeru#m:gfx#m:*#m:gfx:all#flashing tw#trying something different :> although it nearly killed my laptop for good in the process#i've been wanting to do something representative of the archon quests for a while#and then i rediscovered those stamps from last year's new years web event and wanted to use them#but that's also why fontaine isn't here because it doesn't have one OTL sorry fontaine enjoyers#i considered making the stamp myself but i'm too lazy and this whole thing was already a lot of effort#the scenes i tried to balance it between like. key/memorable moments + different characters + cohesive compositions#(e.g. nothing too chaotic with movement and angles like most fight scenes tend to be)#the quotes similarly were ones i personally found really memorable and/or representative of the archon quest in question#i didn't even realize all of them except inazuma had their nation's theme (freedom contracts wisdom) in them until i put this together#so i skimmed through for an eternity one for inazuma but honestly i couldn't find any i wanted to use more than the ambitions one#and ambitions is a major theme the inazuma quest focused on that tied a lot into the themes of eternity anyways#if i had included fontaine the quote i chose would have balanced it out since that one doesn't explicitly say justice either#it was gonna be neuvillette's line#you are a devious one focalors. things as being as they are... surely you know that i could never again declare them to be 'guilty'
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Bungou Stray Dogs: Dead Apple and how “ability users” (opposite to “normal people”) learning to accept themselves through the acceptance of their own abilities is a queer metaphor of acceptance of own's sexual orientation and gender: an essay by me
#bsd#bungou stray dogs#About: Dead Apple. Watched this a while ago with a friend and it was a lot of fun!!!#If you're reading this: thank you so much for hanging out with me I had such a good time (ㅅ´ ˘ )♡#Next to general considerations: wow they were right that Bungou Stray Dogs movie sure can Bungou Stray Dogs#It's always nice to see the detailed animation and elaborate backgrounds of movies. The animation quality compared to the manga is–#definitely noticeable and it's nice to see. That said... I still like the season 2 art style more? And I'm speaking strictly of art style.#The s2 one looks more soft and smooth while the da one is so much more rough.#The plot is... Very bsd-esque I don't think there's anything to add.#In my opinion Kyouka's arc is the one that turned out best tbh. I really like her narrative development and personal growth in this movie.#I like the complexity of her state of mind. how full of contradiction she is. I especially appreciate the recurring small changes of–#expression that indicate how she thinks differently from Atsushi even if she doesn't voice them. The fight between her cynicism and her–#kind nature. It's all very interesting.#Atsushi's development is interesting too. Although all the open questions about his ability we still have kind of leave me frustrated#I don't feel very strongly about Akutagawa in this movie? I mean‚ he's there. The ss/kk scenes are always great and in character and a joy–#to witness no matter what they do. He just doesn't shine particularly? Or at least personally I dont find the “proving my strength against–#myself” narrative arc to be particularly interesting. Imo it was a lot better flashed out in the da stage play! With the complexity that–#the dialogues with Chuuya added to the character. Dazai attacking him. And especially Aktgw understanding that Rashomon wasn't testing Aktg#but rather only expressing that unstoppable rage that is also Aktgw's own. About that I checked out the play and I really liked it!!#I only watched highlights (aka: ss/kk and chuu/aku scenes) but there's some stuff I really like. I like the conflict between Aktgw and–#Chuuya and how Chuuya messes up with Aktgw at first maliciously and then amiably. It's interesting how Atsushi himself observes that Kyouka#and Akutagawa get along. And especially the sskk almost-handholding and Atsushi saying Akutagawa has a nice profile were cute akjdhbsawhjb#Next. Da really is shipping paradise (╥﹏╥) Sorry but... It is. oda/zai. daz/atsu. ss/kk. s/kk. fuku/mori. chuu/aku. It really has everythin#and the moments are so good!!!! What else. Wish we'd see more of Tsujimura. And Christie. And women in general tbh.#Also‚‚‚‚‚ Atsushi's tiger form in this movie is ATROCIOUS. I've said it before but it's crazy how a franchises that relies so heavily on–#fanservice came up with something this hideous. Man the movie overall was pretty but Atsushi sure wasn't. Firmly stand by the belief–#that only Akutagawa would find that form attractive.#Oh last note. honestly if we're ready to accept a movie where an antidote has effect AFTER the person has effectively died then we really–#can't complain about any kind of insanity the manga brings up#random rambles
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it went fine yesterday btw :}
#Robin processes emotions on main#sometimes I freak out like a chihuahua and then actually have a good time. these things are typical in the life of ur local robin#we talked about our lives instead of our Interests and it was fine ! I think I did good. we commiserated about the post-college woes#I got re-reminded how rough my life is right now and cried a little but like in a good way. and I'll make it. we'll both make it#today I made a bucket list of churches to try (By Myself) and places to visit around town#(clutching my head staggering upright) did you guys know th.that childhood parentification can majorly mess you up#man do I need therapy. like. soon I think#also a steady job and my own apartment but let's not get ahead of ourselves. haha. sorry let me rephrase:#I'm GOING to get a job and move out eventually and it will be GOOD. and in the meantime I will make living here good too dangit#anyway so yeah I just forgot that this particular friend is good for Processing Life with instead of Enjoying Stories with#that was my issue last time.#although last time wasn't a Failure on my part. I was just exhausted and I Couldn't process life last time. no energy for that#I didn't feel safe enough to do that so all I had to fall back on was my interests and it just didn't click. such things happen#anyway I'm logging back out now but thank you everyone for the encouragement :') it really helped and I'm gonna keep on truckin'
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HARUKA AMAMI / 天海春香 ❤️
#haruka amami#idolm@ster#the idolm@ster#idolmaster#imas#im@s#gifs#gifset#anime#mine: gifs#mine: graphics#imasedit#2024#first ever post that I uploaded.#these are “old”. made these since january. I originally wanted to make gif set + simple edit for all 13 idols but i give up;#↑ except for the bottom left & right. i made those gifs this month ^^;. and the edit as well. got some motivation to finish making this.#don't like the colors. it looks lame. Won't bother changing it b/c I'm lazy. didn't like the edit either but whatever.#couldn't find a good image that fits (that wasn't from the games) so I decided to use the one from the movie. I rendered it myself (kinda)#(although none of the gifs were in the movie so it might be misleading for me to use this image but oh well).#didn't want to post this on my main so I'll just post it here. this blog's purpose was to upload most of my (crappy/lazy) graphics so lol
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*on the floor trembling through gritted teeth* this made me grow as a person. this made me change for the better. good things have come out of this.
#all this bullshit changed me a lot in ways i'd argue were necessary#i learned i shouldn't take what i see in online leftist spaces as gospel and that i should stand by my own stances#i learned i can't rely on the internet to keep me company and that having friends and doing things irl is more fulfilling#i got in touch with my people and my culture as opposed to how passive i was about my jewishness before#i discovered my passion for sociology and psychology (and decided to major in sociology in hs because of it)#did i mature and grow a lot? yes. did this change my life for the better in some ways? yes.#but was it worth going through all this shit and losing pretty much all of my previous comfort? HELL NO#and ofc it's not worth this horrible war either. nothing is.#i feel bad but i'm trying to focus on the good things that have come out of it and telling myself it was necessary i come to these changes#(ALTHOUGH IT WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY NICE IF IT WAS UNDER DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES)#because it's what keeps me sane#hila has spoken
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anyone else feeling fundamentally incapable of adjusting to society. also just discovered there's a 30 tag limit which i can't believe i've never hit before
#like it was one thing when i was in high school and college like wasn't socialized as a child due to not receiving schooling and growing up#sda blah blah whatever but like i'm almost 27 and i am barely functioning lol like i feel like i'm struggling to have a normal conversation#even more than i used to and i think my speech cadence is noticably off which i don't think it always has been#some of it is definitely from chronic exhaustion from having to get up too early and the stress of having a frequently panic inducing boss#but like. come on now. i can't even drive despite finally having a license because i'm too scared/distractible/poor reaction time#over a dozen antidepressants have not worked. adderall is not working great either#i'm SO much dumber than i used to be and it's driving me quite literally insane#i don't even think it's from getting covid in july because i was noticing it before although it definitely became way more noticeable after#i got this job. i've never been this bad at a job in my life and it's something anyone who knows me would assume i'd be good at#it's embarrassing. i cannot fucking remember anything i struggle to do the most basic of arithmetic to fill prescriptions i make the same#silly mistakes multiple times i am constantly asking stupid questions and still somehow fucking up all the time#it's not as bad as it was a couple months ago and frankly i'm shocked i haven't gotten fired i keep thinking that's going to happen#of course i wanted to quit this job four months ago but now i'm at like a sunk cost fallacy point unfortunately#this is obviously not like any kind of career position for many reasons but i don't know what else to do unless i move across the country#again. i'm not even qualified for anything besides animal related things and summer camp which are fine obviously but not great if you want#things like benefits or paid leave or not to get burned out as hell lmao#i don't even feel like i could do any customer service jobs because i literally struggle to put a coherent sentence together on the spot#everything is so slow. soooo slow i'm literally losing my mind which is catastrophic because my mind is all i've ever had going for me#and i'm having kind of a horrible existence lately which is exacerbating all my problems except the problems make it mostly impossible to d#anything to fix it. ok going out and doing some fun stuff for a day makes me feel better that's great. except then i need a day after that#to recover from doing things the previous day. so the only feasible day for doing things would be saturday. except on saturdays i'm#recovering from working. i literally only work 4 days and barely over 30 hours it's Not that crazy. i mean the boss is crazy and the job ca#also be crazy obviously but 30 hours a week is minimal compared to other work schedules i've maintained before#anyway but the most i can do after work is go to the store if i need to but i almost never have energy for anything fun#and the fucking bus doesn't run on sundays and walking miles to get literally anywhere takes a lot of energy i don't have#i'm about to move next weekend and i'm dreading it because it's going to be so much work and i'm so fucking tired#and i don't have any friends to help me with cleaning i might be able to get help moving my stuff but i'm not even confident about that#i might have to rent a uhaul but i would honestly rather pay somebody to help because i'm that scared of driving even for one 30 min trip#whatever....sorry i had to feel bad for myself in the tumblr dot edu tags again i'm not in therapy rn#(<- guy who should be in therapy)
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Took my small cousin to the park to practice scootering and I have to say taking a recorder with me was an inspired choice. Things you can do to entertain yourself and also be able to keep track of what's happening!
(and portability was the Whole Reason I decided to pick up recorder again, proof of concept right here!)
#still my uncle's that I'm borrowing but I have bought 2 recorders online which should come to me reasonably soon#both are good quality plastic although I might get a wooden one if I find myself wanting to play more#but at the moment I had a budget for good plastic and apparently good plastic is better than cheap wood#rowena adventures#recorder#mum and I just played tunes by ear - folk songs and carol tunes - and one my cousin requested from his school singing#(frankly we wouldn't have been able to pick up the tune if I hadn't also known it)
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Fragonard indulgences
Belle d'Amour (a herbal, original vanilla scent. prominent notes seem to be angelica (star of the enchanting packaging), amber and vanilla)
Un Momént Vole hand soap and decorative glass dish (a soap with an airy, delicate scent, celebrated with a glass dish featuring a beautifully modern rococo still life)
Set of four Fleurs du Perfumeur guest towels (pure cotton towels with illustrations of iris, mimosa, orange blossoms and figs)
Belle de Paris Hand Cream (iris, clementine and violets - sophisticated powders in a decadent, beautifully packaged hand cream)
#un moment volé was literally the first perfume I ever got#they discontinued it but it was back over christmas#I still have a good deal left (I didn't wear fragrance regularly then and grew out of the scent) so I didn't get into it#although I now see the profile was slightly different and I might've enjoyed it? ANYHOW#I LOVE the glass dish. so I'm willing to spend 24€ on that & enjoy the soap as a nostalgic treat#I bought the hand towels for my parents last christmas and I think they're SO pretty#so I'm secretly buying them for myself. dreaming of the future...#the hand cream is mostly because I want to try the scent without getting a huge bottle. it sounds REALLY up my alley (iris. powder)#ALSO oh my gOD they are so pretty???! I loveeeeee the hand creams from the belle line. how cute!#belle d'amour is a blind buy. it just sounds really cute. green vanilla. also it has been pointed out how similar it is to a guerlain scent#I've been sighing over for ages. no way to try either though so it's like. I guess I'll just jump the gun? and hope for the best?!
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Moodboard for my fic ideas #1
Reader and Minho are both exchange students who struggle to fit in. Minho has a hard time with English, and reader is an introvert. They build a friendship and help each other out. Despite Minho’s parents wish to study abroad improving his English in hopes of getting into a top university one day, he secretly keeps practicing his one true passion - dancing. His biggest supporter? Reader.
"Do you ever dream of becoming like them?" I ask Minho, whose face was illuminated by the purple light of the BTS poster announcing their upcoming concert. He didn't even have to respond, i could see it in his eyes. This was his dream.
#stray kids#skz#lee know#he's super sweet and shy in this fic#but secretly he's super talented at dancing and reader doesn't even know how good he is until she runs into him at the dance studio#oh and reader takes him out to a korean restaurant when he says he misses korean food#basically she fell first but he fell harder type of thing#problem? i suck at writing i've been writing for years but do i improve? nah 0 faith in myself#it's not that he can't speak english it's more he lacks confidence and people tend to avoid him :( and same with reader so they bond cause#she wanna help out idk where reader is from if she's from the country he's exchanging in and what even is that country? obv it's not#realistic time wise with him being a trainee and bts and all that it's a fic okay#obv it could be reader x lee know if it's just a one shot or what it's called but for fic i would need to make an oc#no but seriously in the past i've written self indulgent stuff and original stuff and although i've improved on dialogue my thing is world#building and such#idk how to have character development or how to solve plot holes or make a plot even and solve issues#i'm very good at formulating what i wanna say in terms of talking about my struggles but fictional is surprisingly harder#fic ideas#my edit
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The thing about elections is -- if you don't have the right conditions to make an election competitive, you're not going to win that election. It doesn't really matter how good of a campaign you run.
The big part that we're missing in the US is not specifically the way democrats run election campaigns or pick candidates. We should do those right if we can: if we had, maybe we could have barely squeezed out a win, but "barely squeeze out a win" shouldn't be the goal.
The goal should be to demolish the power of the current right wing and rebalance the U.S. around a baseline where human rights are universally accepted rather than debated. We should have active political debate, but it should be about questions with legitimately tough answers, like "what methods to address climate change are socially, morally, and economically acceptable?" and "how much of the US's economic power should be spent on improving the lives of our own residents' vs. people in other countries?" and "which infrastructure projects are the best investments for our future?"
Elections matter, but the results are a symptom. The cause is social conditions, and you need social change to move the country. That means complicated work at the individual and community level more than at the national level. Some of that work is a little glamorous, most of that work is unglamorous, and not nearly enough of it is getting done by the left wing. The right wing has been doing a better job of it lately, and the evidence is plain.
Even if you don't like elections, that doesn't change the calculus: social change in the population at large (not just in left-wing circles) is required for any durable political overhaul, so it's a good thing to spend time on regardless of whether elections are reliable or whether other tactics are required.
#diagnostic event reports#us politics#I'm not really posting this out of a desire to try to convince people of anything#although that would be a nice side effect#but mostly because writing it out is a good way to clarify my understanding with myself
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I. Did not achieve a lot today (understandable considering the circumstances), but. You need to See.
The SADDEST. SOGGIEST. Sharena I have EVER drawn.
Also maybe a little snippet as a treat...
You'll have to fight my messy roughs and handwriting for it though 😤😤😤
#wip#i think. maybe i can just allow myself to relax. ease up on the intense paranoia that plagues me.#mostly because i want to make things painful. actually.#not just bittersweet. so sweet it fucking hurts. it aches and aches and aches and aches. ect.#i actually don't have a lot of faith in my ability to finish this one. firstly i wanted to just do one page#but after all my practice i've gotten a p good feel for pacing. and this feels like it's a two-pager#and i Know. i know. the fucking. lvl 40 convo comic.... i KNOW.#but also. just in general. some things are just so agonizing. to try and yank out of me.#so L + ratio + more work than i bargained for + owuch. ouugh. ow. ouch. owie. owww....#last bit of context is this takes place shortly after zacharias' disappearance.#although i'm actually not sure how i want to go about that. if i wanna see if i can show it in the comic itself#like all i'd need really is one flashback panel just showing the immediate aftermath of 'where is zacharias?' after battle#or if i'd imply it through the text or if straight up. i just say it in the caption. honestly entirely depends#well i was gonna joke depends on how lazy i feel but more like. i think it's more parsing out where my focus Should be.#all of this is granting that i can. fucking. even get to a proper rough draft. i'm not hopeful.#but do you see my visions...... maybe....#esp them falling back on each other HARD. doing something that maybe both swore to 'grow out of'#in the wake of an extremely disorienting and traumatic event. that hits each of them uniquely hard.#and through the growing pains you see. oh. this is how they grew up. this is how they've always been.#when. they could be.#my art
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hello friends! ♡
i'm back from my short hiatus :D thank you for all the love during my little break i appreciate it very much 😭💛 my posts are going to be a bit scattered for a few days because i need to settle down and unpack omg i hate unpacking sm UGh
i'm currently working on not one but two milestone gifts (cheers to 1.5k! ♡) and hopefully i'll have them up by this weekend :D anywayS i'm looking forward to interacting with all my lovely tumblr friends again <333
ah it's so good to be back on simblr <3
p.s. i moved my simself into a new apartment and i'm in loveeee 😭 i can't wait to show screenies omgggg
#i just deep cleaned my room#my ac is turned on and i lit a candle#i have a tall glass of matcha latte w me rn#life is soooo good 😭#i'm gonna go take a shower#do my skincare#and play ts4 allll night!!!#so excited!!!!#and by play ts4 i mean build lol#building is so therapeutic to me#although i don't consider myself a builder tho lmao#i'll also be answering asks i got in my inbox during my hiatus hehe#gem rambles
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TNA Hard To Kill | 01.13.24
#TNA Wrestling#Nic Nemeth#dolph ziggler#tna hard to kill 2024#my gifs#marie#well. i think i'm a ziggler girl again.#idk man my favorite thing is released wwe guys showing up in new promotions looking rejuvenated and renewed and reborn and all that#like he just looks SO happy???? and who am i to deny myself that...#anyways i'm excited to see how it goes!#although i do wonder what happens now cause he was in WK last week? and fought finlay so. good for him
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