#altair is a little shit

[noficbyhalves]

Altaïr: I got you one of those "plans" you're always on about

Malik: ...this is a map

Altaïr: Of guard patrols, yes. For the plan. Since you like plans.

Malik: Where did you get this map

Altaïr: ...

Malik: I know you didn't make this yourself, since it's

Malik: y'know

Malik: Actually Legible

Altaïr: Soooo, it's good? You like it?

Malik: That's not an answer

Malik: Altaïr

Malik: Altaïr

Malik: How many people died for this bizarre romantic gesture

Altaïr: ...Good talk

Malik: Goddamnit, novice

[noficbyhalves]

Listen I put up my Christmas tree like 4 days ago time isn't real don't worry about it. This is precisely what I needed today <3

God have I missed these dumbasses, existentially tired and pissy sass!Malik gives me life. I love their feral little children.

👀 more cards writing, you say? How about #13, dealers choice on pairing or rating (maybe the jujutsu kaisen boys you've been a fan of recently?)

Hey there Christmas is over and I definitely did not do this as promised in a timely manner. But um, happy new year?

The ‘why the fuck would anyone buy this for me, this has to be a joke, but oh god it’s not and now I’m just holding this atrocity while everyone stares me’ gift

Sass | R for naughty words |

There was, in Malik's estimation, no harder part of being a parent than sitting wedged into the side of a Christmas tree at four-fucking-thirty in the goddamn morning, having just opened some unidentifiable item in front of four beaming faces and having to summon the energy and intent to pretend to have seen nothing so amazing in all his life. Between the fact that Jaida had violently pulled him by the pajama pants away from the coffee pot and the way Altair was smiling from behind the kids' backs Malik could barely force his mouth to form a smile.

He wasn't thinking, oh-wow-what-effort or even how-thoughtful-are-you but something more like, as-soon-as-i-escape-this-I'm-stabbing-you. No, the only thing saving the moment was that the triplets were so overcome with sudden sympathy for his one-handed-struggle to remove whatever-the-fuck-it-was from the box that they didn't seem to notice he couldn't keep a smile on his face.

Darim pulled the box right out of his lap, Sef wrapped both his fists around the corner of it and pulled with all his bony might while Tazim bypassed the struggle entirely to wrap his arm around Malik's shoulders with his knees digging into his thigh. His voice was wet and loud, but that was forgivable because he was stage whispering, "its a paperweight!"

"Hey!" Darim shouted in outrage. "We promised we wouldn't say." he might have thrown himself forward, rolled up like a cannonball, but Altair managed to catch him by the waist before he got that far. "You pink promised!"

Sef was mission-oriented, so completely focused on the task at hand that he didn't notice the betrayal or Darim's removal. He only looked up when Jaida leaned in to lift the paperweight out of the box. From how it seemed to pull her downwards, it was definitely heavy enough to weigh down some papers and probably his whole desk too.

Removed from the tissue paper and cardboard, the thing was even more incomprehensible. It looked both as if it had been crafted lovingly and deliberately and as if eight separate little hands had balled clay in their hands and then squeezed it out between their fingers. It was glazed a deep charcoal gray with two teal dots on the flattest part of it.

"Oh," he said with as much energy as he could manage, "that's going to keep my desk in place."

Jaida laughed and that was for the best because the triplets followed her lead on what was and what was not funny. She shook her head at him, one hand on his shoulder as she very earnestly assured him, "it's for papers. Daddy said you'd love it."

Altair was outshining the sun with how proud he was of himself for the unbalanced monstrosity that was too spikey, too round, too flat and too heavy for Malik to keep holding. "Don't you love it?" he asked.

He would definitely love throwing it at his husband's head later. "I do," he said to his children, who were waiting so patiently for him, "I'm going to take a picture of it and send it to everyone so they can see what a good job you've done. Then maybe we'll see how many papers it can hold down."

That must have been enough for the kids because they abandoned him to flock back to their dad who was the one throwing gifts to them like a zoo keeper feeding wild beasts.

[coyoteworks]

that's gonna leave a mark :/

[hikayeplays]

So Assassin's Creed. I have a surprisingly long story with this game. I heard about it a lot during its peak in popularity (I think back when Brotherhood was all the rage). Obviously I couldn't play the game but I kept hearing about how fun It was and most importantly how amazing the cinematics and visuals were so I was hooked by proxy. To satiate my needs I devoured the books. I read and loved all the Oliver Bowden (that I was this day old when I learned it was a nome de plum of Anton Gill, an actual historian) but fell of the wagon when the writer changed and the narrative felt weaker and weaker. However back when Origin was announced I had the pleasure to see the game presentation at Lucca Comics and I bought

A cookbook.

Yes, I own the Assassin's Creed cookbook and it is very good but beside that.

Today, 17 years after its release I booted up Assassin's Creed I.

And despite the control clunkyness, despite the much memed low profile mechanic, despite the very drawn out cinematics.

I get it.

I get it now.

[plaid-n-converse]

love walking to the bathroom at 2 in the morning, to find a bedroom door i Know was closed, wide open

[ethan-acfan]

Music I think the assassins would listen to in the modern day

Desmond: 80s rock music with a sprinkle of pop music like Olivia Rodrigo.

Altair: metal, like hard metal music

Ezio: 2000 pop/recession pop (yall can catch this man blasting Ke$ha at all hours of the day)

Connor: calming music/ love songs, he doesn't mean to listen to love songs it's just he prefers slowing music and that tends to be sappy love songs

Edward: rock/metal

Jacob Frye: any type of pop music, he is a die hard swifty and yall can fight me on that

Evie Frye: little bit of everything, dosen't really have a set music taste

Arno: sappy romantic songs, extra points if it's songs about heartbreak

Bayek: dad rock or whatever is on the radio

Aya: either slow songs like connor or heavy metal, no in-between

Kassandra: a bit of everything, but has a personal preference for classical music (I can see her listening to bethoven)

Layla: 80s rock fan but is a swifty fan in secret, but she won't tell anyone, and if you find out, she might actually kill you and blame it on the staff (lol jk... maybe)

Basim/loki: he doesn't listen to music, but if he does it's gonna be some shit like nightcore or something

Anyway, that's all the assassins I can think of right now. I was gonna do the templars, but I didn't feel like it

[teecupangel]

Based on @auroramoon-draws16’s idea in this post.

Desmond lost Altaïr.

He really can’t explain it.

He thought Altaïr would be fine. He seemed to have a grasp on the situation and looked like he was taking everything in better than Ezio and Ratonhnhaké:ton.

“The Apple has shown me visions of this future. I’ll be fine, Desmond. Just give me a phone with this internet thing in it.”

Oh god.

Desmond should have not trusted his words.

He should have anticipated something like this.

That Altaïr would get lost in the crowd of this…

Anime convention?

Oh fuck.

Desmond needed to find Altaïr before he gets suckered into Vtubers or one of those toxic fandoms (he seriously didn’t want to see Altaïr having an oshi or going to Twitter to fight some rando because they had differing headcanons) or worse…

Hentai.

Desmond did not exactly have any memories of Altaïr’s love life (thank god for that small mercies) but he knew that Altaïr was a curious little shit and would definitely research hentai and kinks and-

Desmond needed to find Altaïr for both his sanity and the purity of the Brotherhood’s image of the great Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad.

“And the winner of this year’s Cosplay Competition is… Altair from Abstergo’s video game franchise: History’s Hit Men: Murder in the Levant!”

Desmond froze.

Please.

Please, for the love of god, let this be a coincidence. Pleasepleasepleaseplease

���It’s Altaïr.”

Fuck.

Desmond tried to get to the stage as the MC laughed before asking, “Okay, Altaïr, how about a few words to share to everyone? Why did you choose to cosplay this character and did you learn to parkour because of him or did you cosplay him because you do parkour?”

“I was trained by-”

“-by our awesome parkour trainer!” Desmond shouted as he jumped onto the stage, placing himself between Altaïr and the MC. He gave the MC a charming smile that caused the MC’s cheeks to reddened and a few of the people in front of the stage to cheer.

“Oooohhh a modern take of the Assassins?” The MC flawlessly asked as Desmond kept a tight grip on Altaïr’s shoulder to stop the man from running away.

“Yup! We’re sorta a duo.” Desmond said, trying to bullshit his way out of this while Altaïr remained quiet.

Desmond wanted to believe it was because he knew he fucked up.

But no.

Most probably, he was quiet because he wanted to see how Desmond would get them out of this.

Asshole.

“He’s cosplaying Altaïr as the game showed and I’m cosplaying Altaïr if he was an Assassin of our time.” Desmond said.

“Oooohhh, that sounds nice.”

“He would totally wear leather pants!” Someone in the audience shouted.

No. He definitely would not. That shit was too tight. It would be hard to freerun… parkour… wearing them.

“On behalf of my partner, we are grateful that he won and we’d like to go now because, I’m gonna be honest with you, we haven’t eaten yet.”

That got a few chuckles from the crowd.

“Alright, give it up for Altair and uuhhh… Modern Day Altair!”

The audience clapped while Desmond walked Altaïr off the stage by pushing him.

“Dad’s going to kill me.” Desmond hissed.

“I will talk to him.”

Desmond rolled his eyes as he said, “That won’t do anything. He’ll just kill me after talking to you.”

“I’ll make sure he won’t.” Altaïr promised.

The saddest part of this entire thing is that Desmond actually believed Altaïr could do it.

“By the way, Desmond. Can I borrow a bit of money. I would like to buy fanmerchs of my oshi.”

“I left you alone for an hour, Altaïr!”

[stanleyvampire14]

First LOTF anniversary thingy (idk what to call it)

Wooo lets go mini essay time—

Ok so! First thing! I did NOT want to read this book because I HATE forced reading in English class! However! We had an audiobook and it was cool so I said “Hey, maybe there’s other people that like this the way I do.” And Tumblr is, just that!

Also I joined in the dead middle of LOTFtober so uh there’s that. I was like “Wait there’s people DRAWING shit from this book? THEY’RE SO GOOD????”

Uhhh shoutout to Simorys and those people that made LOTF animatics on YouTube, gotta be my favorite way of getting into a fandom (I remember watching Simorys tiktoks like “hehe funny kids- oh shit Simon :(“)

GIGANTIC SHOUTOUT TO SNOW (@lord-of-the-bundle-of-sticks) MY ART FRIEND AND FELLOW LOTF ENJOYER EVEN THOUGH NEITHER OF US HAS REALLY INTERACTED WITH THE BOOK TO MY KNOWLEDGE FOR A WHILE. GREAT FRIEND. WOULD 100% THROW HIM INTO THE SUN. /pos also technically a reference to like our first interaction (RIP Simon and his broken limbs)

Would say a bunch of LOTF artists names on here but there’s too many- However! Yall are cool! I like the different ways you draw the characters and like the little headcanons yall bring to the table. Such silly guys.

Vic.

Shoutout to Teddy and Ana for carrying the LOTF fandom your backs must be hurting 🫡 you guys are awesome!

Let us not forget this goober @the-heart-anon1, please for the love of everything do NOT leave we need you in this fandom it’s a mess 😭 We love heart anon 🔥🔥🔥🔥

All in all, despite the occasional fights and ship wars (which is…What a fandom does), we all get along somehow for the most part and I enjoy that quite a lot. Go lotfers!

I’m NEVER saying that again.

Oh yeah I forgot about my silly ocs- Thank you guys for indulging in Ryder, Mary, John, etc’s stories, it’s really nice to see people like them????? Will return to that one day, I miss Altair Sterling :( Post Ryder Altair my beloved <3

Alrighty, I think that’s all, thanks for reading this very jumbled mess of a post! ^_^

First Ryder drawing just because I wanted to put a picture—

[animusicnerd]

Briar Valley Lore Dump!

Notes: This is in honor of Diasomnia chapter coming out. Most of the information my lore is from is from twst, disney, or general faery lore. This is for my Lilia story that I'm currently planning and this is honestly just for shits and giggles. This will change when I actually post the story but for now, it is an intro guide to all the world building that I did before Diasomnia chapter came out. I don’t mind getting questions since it will help flesh out this world a little more so don’t hesitate to message me about this!(This is also long btw so click at your own risk.)

The Draconia family is the second family to rule Briar Valley. It was once ran by a different fae family but the Draconias staged a successful coup d'état and gained the throne.

The Valley has been in two wars against the neighboring human kingdom due to humans wanting to expand their land for resource purposes. Both times Briar Valley has won and although the kingdoms used to have a friendly relationship with each other that is no longer the case.

The first war was caused by human greed for land and resources while the second also included revenge for what the faeries had done to them.

Many humans have immigrated into Briar Valley due to discrimination from their fellow humans. The Fair Folk of the Valley tend to stay away from them but most look down on them, but it was better than being hunted and being burned at the stakes. Little human towns are spread throughout the kingdom's lands.

Malleus's grandmother stepped down from the throne a little before the Second Human-Fae War started and his father was crowned king. After ten short years, he passed away and his mother came back to rule as queen regent in Malleus's place, who is technically the current King of Briar Valley.

The kingdom is most active at night as most of its residents are known to be nocturnal. The Briar Markets are busiest around this time and buyers often have to be careful when bargaining. The Fair Folk do not lie but their words can have double meanings so you might end up losing your first born child or buying a cursed item. Gold coins are accepted as well.

The kingdom is surrounded by forests and mountains so they are very rich in natural resources. Magic is also used in everyday life.

Not all villages are under Briar Valley but all pay a tithe for protection purposes, especially after humans arrived and desecrated their lands.

Maleficient was the one to overthrow the first ruling family and made peace with the first humans who hailed from the Queendom of Roses. Her daughter, Malleus's grandmother, was the one who went to war with them for disrespect to the lands and its residents after King Stefan went mad for more power.

Briar Castle as located at the highest peak of Briar Valley. With mountains acting as a natural barrier, leaving and entering the castle is near impossible without the use of some sort of flight magic. The Northern and Southern gates are the main ways to leave the castle but there are also hidden tunnels that lead down to the base of the mountain for the royal family, nobility, and any other residents in the castle. Secret passageways are also in the castle but are known to very few people.

While the Draconias may rule Briar Valley, there are seven noble families in Briar Valley in total that includes the Vanrouges, the Aldens, the Amaris, the Rannulfs, the Lavinias, and the Altairs. Each family specializes in something and all have pledged their loyalty to the Draconias when they first started to rule.

Courting rituals in the Valley often start with giving away a precious or sentimental item to each other and exchanging letters. Times are varied but most couples seem to exchange letters until the twenty-fifth moon where they meet in person (often times, it's not the first time they meet each other) and discuss their futures. Once again, timing and how these rituals go vary because of different cultures among the fae but most seem to start with exchanging an item of some sort.

Faeries tend to age at a slower rate than humans but most are fully-grown by the time they are a hundred years old. Unlike humans, faeries get stronger with age and they are also immortal. However, they are not un-killable and iron is one of the only things that can truly hurt them. Humans have used iron weapons against their wars with them. Knowing their true names will also have them in your control but that is usually the case with weaker faeries. Big names like the Draconias or the other noble families would not be affected by that as their magical prowess goes far beyond than just their names.

Fairy circles also tend to act as a teleportation tool. Although most faeries don't use it themselves, many humans or other beings that have stepped into one have reported having been teleported to the nearest fairy in the area. It's more of an annoyance to faeries and non-faeries alike but some of the Fair Folk do use it as a trap to make deals that are often in favor of them alone.

Faeries love music! Most often know how to play at least two instruments on top of knowing how to sing. Humans must be careful as the allure of their songs are very strong and they could end up dancing until someone either pulls them out or they die.

It is also good to note that you should be careful of what food you are being given as most of their food can put you in a deep trance and make you their servants or it can just kill you.

Fairies also tend to dislike humans as most of them do not like magic and tend to think of it as unnatural when it is very much natural in Twisted Wonderland. If a human has magic, they often offer teaching them how to wield their powers in exchange for something which could be your child or just some fresh honey.

If you noticed that a lot of deals involve children, it is because it is very hard for faeries to have their own. It is not impossible but it could take hundreds of years to produce one child to continue a family line and siblings are usually a hundred years apart. However, they often dislike being with someone that is not a faery as some considerate it a disgrace to their bloodlines or their lovers could die of old age, sickness, etc, while they continue to live on. They do make deals not involving children though.

Faeries do not lie because they can't. Most of their words and actions are carefully thought out to avoid being tricked by others and it is always best to think before you speak to any of them. You also have to be respectful and offending them could have grave consequences for you and your entire bloodline.

[noficbyhalves]

"Altair had gotten her frustration at 'not having a good enough sparring partner' out of her system a couple days ago, and now they were more-or-less fucking around. Malik set himself the challenge of only winning by disarm this morning, and it had only taken partway through their first bout for Altair to figure out what he was doing and be very annoying about thwarting him."

[ahungeringknife]

365 May 3-6

After a point Desmond just came to the understanding that his life was weird and he really didn't feel like arguing with it anymore. Coming back from the dead? Near death? Limbo? Whatever did that to a person. He was so beyond his life throwing arguably impossible shit at him.

"I'm home," he said looking at the living room of his apartment that absolutely should not fit as many people in it as it did. And yet.

The first week it'd happened he was sure he was having a new mental break down. But no. That'd have been a reasonable explanation for a bunch of murderers showing up at his door looking like people out of a ren fair. He didn't know why they were there. They didn't know why they were there. When Desmond asked they just grabbed his blackened hand or arm. They were drawn to it. Somehow? For some reason?

Seven languages all roughly saying, "Welcome back," came in a chorus. They could all understand him at least. Whatever fucked up magic or whatever had given him that at least so he didn't have to sift through seven different tongues in his head to pull out the one he wanted.

"I brought bread," he said which got everyone interested. He didn't anticipate people from previous centuries to be picky eaters but they absolutely were. And that didn't even cover Ezio's insanely high standards for olive oil, which he basically drank. But everyone ate bread. Thank god. He always had to go down a few blocks for an actual bakery because of course they wouldn't eat store bread. The bakery knew him on sight now since he'd been going there every other day for a month and bought the exact same arrangement of bread. When they saw him coming in they just packed up his order for him.

"Everyone get their shit done while I was gone?" he asked amid some talking. Some of them could communicate but it was a near thing. Some of them even spoke English, which was cool.

"It was boring, but yes," Ezio said.

"Good. Who wants to make dinner?" Desmond asked, going into the kitchen and taking the bread out.

"Everyone stop looking at me," Evie said. "Just because I'm a woman."

Desmond didn't engage while Jacob was defending his sister's honor, or whatever. After a bit of bickering he called out, "Fine then we're all going to be unhappy and Altair will cook." There was some groaning.

"Fools," Altair said and Desmond was the only one who understood. He got up from where he was sitting on the floor and entered the little kitchen with Desmond. "My cooking isn't that bad... now," he added. Altair, like the rest of them, were not how Desmond remembered them from the memories as mostly wild and blood thirsty twenty-somethings. They were all older. In their thirties or forties. It was still weird seeing Altair in a beard. At least he wore it better than Ezio.

"Yeah you don't burn my pans now," Desmond said. Desmond still helped him figure out what to do. They all knew how to use the appliances by now but other than Connor, Bayek, and Evie none of them had ever had to cook for themselves until they'd shown up in Desmond's life. But like good Assassins they all took to instruction quickly and Desmond just had to tell them what to do and they figured it out.

"How much longer are we staying here?" Arno had come around to the kitchen while Altair was cutting onions with freakish laser precision. Desmond wasn't sure Altair couldn't understand French but he always acted like he couldn't so he didn't push it.

"I dunno. Until you guys fucking leave?" Desmond said. Who knew when that would be. Who knew why that would be or how!

Arno gave him an annoyed look. "I know that. But this is unsustainable," he motioned to the living room which had all the furniture shoved into the corners to make enough room for everyone to sleep. Desmond's bedroom also had some sleeping space on the floor. "Even at our lowest this is too much."

"Well if I want to break my lease I need to pay a fee. And then I have to find a new place that I can afford. And if you guys all fucking vanish one day I'm going to be in a big place all by myself unable to pay. I don't mind having roommates from former head mates but actual normal people? I'd rather die."

"That can be arranged," Altair said behind him.

"Shut it, you," Desmond frowned at him but Altair wasn't even looking at him.

Arno was also frowning. "Well perhaps it would be more useful if we put our minds to figuring out what happened to bring us here instead of what you have us doing."

"If you want to go ahead but I can't afford to feed someone who isn't helping," Desmond said, folding his arms. Because magic that they could all understand his spoken English they could also understand written English. Desmond had found all of them some reasonable paying translation gig work. Desmond knew they all hated it but also had no idea what to do in this century, let alone how to cross a street without almost being run over by a car.

Arno also folded his arms and mirroring Desmond. "I am not a stranger to hardship. But I'm tired of waking up with someone's feet in my face. Also Jacob snores; loudly," he put a pained look on his face.

Desmond grimaced. He could sympathize. Before he could keep going with Jacob Altair tugged his sleeve. He turned around. "Is this right?" and it was still so baffling hearing a hard ass like Altair ask him something so kindly.

Desmond looked over the chopped vegetables Altair had in the pan. He'd added raisins. Always with the fucking raisins with Altair. "Looks fine. Don't cook it too long or it'll turn to mush." He turned back to Jacob. "Look I'm not unsympathetic. I just don't know what to do myself," he said.

"Can we help you? Clearly we're supposed to be here? So we should help you."

Desmond sighed, "I would love that but none of you know how to use a computer."

"... A what?"

"Exactly."

"Is that the little glass tablet you carry around with you?" Arno asked.

"Yes."

Arno looked conflicted. "It seems... confusing but I'm willing to figure it out if it gets me into an actual bed."

"Fine," Desmond said and already knew it was going to give him a headache. "This weekend when I'm free."

Arno smiled. "Great," and he walked off.

Desmond sighed dramatically. "Punk," Altair grumbled, or about as close an approximation as Desmond could translate out.

"I knew you could speak French," and Desmond punched his arm.

"My wife is French, of course I can," Altair said with a grunt. "His accent is so snooty. I hate it."

"He's Parisian," Desmond said.

"No wonder he sounds like a prick," Altair grumbled and Desmond laughed.

--------

Having seven people crowding your space while trying to use your laptop was... something. It sure was something. Somehow they all managed to perch around him without getting in each other's way too and were all staring intently at the screen. Desmond had been talking to them, very slowly, for about three hours now explaining how a computer worked. He typically had all their translation work printed out and then on his days off typed it all into the programs or emails for the clients.

Surprisingly the one who seemed to understand it the best were the two old guys Altair and Bayek. Bayek was especially insane because he was from before the common era. Like the numbers ticked down on the grand time line of human civilization from where Bayek was from. Desmond wasn't particularly surprised by Altair who'd had his head in the future through the Apple for decades. That didn't mean either of them were good at it but they asked the least questions when he asked if they understood.

"I think that's about as much as I can just explain. You have to try it now. Who wants a go?" Desmond asked. He expected Arno to immediately volunteer. Hadn't he been the one excited to help him find a new apartment?

"I do," Bayek said.

"Weren't they still playing with sticks and rocks in your time?" Jacob asked, not knowing what Bayek was saying but getting the idea. Evie smacked his arm, hard, making him complain.

"Sit," Bayek sat. "It's light, hold onto the keyboard area so it doesn't fall off your lap," Desmond said and put the laptop on Bayek's crossed legs. There was a moment of confusion as Bayek figured out how to use the touch pad but then he got it. "I'm surprised you're at all good with this," Desmond said casually.

His answer absolutely floored Desmond. "This is nothing compared to the Isu ruins." Desmond hadn't personally lived through Bayek but he'd been told the story. Bayek was really good at telling stories. "That is actual confusing shit."

"What'd he say?" Ezio asked.

"He said it's nothing compared to Those Who Came Before," he said. "Didn't know Egypt had that sort of tech involvement with the Isu," he said thoughtfully.

"Ask him if it's as easy as it appeared when you did it," Arno said.

Desmond did and relayed it back while Bayek was clicking around on the computer and internet. "He said it's like reading a scroll where the words and pictures move with your thoughts."

"How poetic," Arno said.

"I also wanna try," Evie said.

"Yes, and I," Ezio said.

"Give him a few minutes," Desmond said.

"The keyboard is... confusing. I know what these letters mean but their arrangement is-- quite stupid," Bayek said.

"Yeah, basically," Desmond agreed.

"It also hurts my eyes."

"Yeap. It'll do that too," and he took the laptop back. Then Evie got to mess around with it while Bayek rubbed his eyes. He hadn't blinked the entire time. Then it was Ezio's turn once she'd had a go at it.

"Is there a way to see these mmm- webbed sites in Italian?" Ezio asked.

"Sort of? Just type into the text box in Italian. It should pull up Italian sites."

Watching Ezio pick and poke through what he wanted to ask Google was excruciating. "Ha! Italian," and he scrolled through the search results. Desmond leaned over to see what he was looking at.

"Hey!" Desmond snatched the laptop away. He switched into Italian himself to scold him and god he sounded a lot like Claudia by the way Ezio wilted. "Don't look up boobs on my fucking laptop. Of course I leave you alone for a minute and you're trying to see some tits. What are you? Seventeen again?"

He was going to have to put child locks or something on this thing so these Assassins didn't give his laptop a fucking virus looking up porn. "What can I say. I'm a man of simple pleasures?" Ezio said with a wry grin.

"Banned," Desmond pointed at him in annoyance.

He let everyone try out the laptop. No one was as taken with it as Bayek and Connor somehow almost broke it. Arno at least came away from the lesson and hands on part being slightly confidant in using it. Everyone also complained it hurt their eyes. Because none of them blinked while using the laptop. Blue light was hell of a thing.

They dispersed after that. Bayek, who still sat next to him, said, "Can you show me more things?"

"Sure? Like what?"

"I want to know what happened to Egypt," he said. "And the Romans. And the Greeks. Are they still around?"

"Well Ezio is what you could call Roman," Desmond said slowly. "He lived in Rome, the city, for a while."

"Is Rome no longer an empire?"

Desmond chuckled, "Buddy, they wish."

"... I would like to see what made Rome fall," he said, not in a sad way but rather he was very interested. "And what happened to Julius," his eyes narrowed.

"You're going to love what happened to Cesare," Desmond said and pulled up some wikipedia articles. He showed Bayek how to navigate the site, what the colors meant, what the little numbers next to words meant, and the sources at the bottom. After that Bayek was glued to it. "And make sure you blink," Desmond added. Bayek nodded.

Desmond got off the couch and wandered into his room, flopping down onto his bed. That had taken so long. He picked up his phone and looked at it. It was only mid afternoon. He had a few missed texts. It looked like they were from work. He ignored them. He wasn't paid enough to answer texts on his day off.

----

Desmond was used to being watched at this point even if he couldn't see them. Didn't bother him. This time when he looked across the Goodwill it was Jacob staring right at him looking like he was dying while Evie was trying to find some clothes. Seemed that even after a few hundred years brothers still would rather die than shop with their sisters. He chuckled to himself and went back to ignoring him.

Desmond was more concerned with convincing Bayek and Connor that no they couldn't just walk around shirtless or tank tops all the time.

"But it will get in the way of my movement," Bayek said about the long sleeved shirt Desmond was trying to get him in. It was summer so was pretty warm and Bayek had never existed in any sort of cold weather in his life. His logic was sound for Egypt.

"Yeah but you can't enter most stores without a shirt, dude," Desmond said. Connor was more accepting of full shirts having grown up around Westerners but Desmond remembered being in his head. He always felt too big for in his clothes. Especially Achilles' old uniform that he'd nearly ripped several times from just how thick his arms were.

"But it's hot out. We don't need sleeves until later in the year," Connor said.

"What'd he say?" Bayek asked and Desmond repeated it. Honestly a lot of the time he was just repeating what everyone said so any two of them could hold a conversation. "Why would the time of year matter?"

"Winter?"

"... What is that?"

Desmond pinched the bridge of his nose. "Think like the flood season but instead it gets cold."

"It would get cold in Egypt sometimes," Bayek said.

"No like water turns into ice," Desmond explained.

"But it's not like that now? And there's so much clothes here surely I won't want for them," Bayek said. Everyone had been pretty stunned when Desmond had brought them to Goodwill and it was just filled with more clothes than any of them had seen in one place.

"In winter cold weather clothes tend to go quick," Desmond said.

"Hmm-

"Desmond," he looked over at Evie's voice as she came through the aisle. Jacob was sulking a ways away.

"Sup."

"My brother is useless as ever. I need input on these modern clothes," she said.

"Sure."

Evie showed him two shirts. They looked pretty nice and were fairly subdued, which he expected. One was a feathery blouse, the other was a thin sweater. They complimented her skin color. Desmond didn't know a lot about fashion but he'd seen enough women come into a bar to know what was good. "Which one?"

"I like them both," Desmond said.

"That is not helpful," she said.

Desmond reached over and grabbed the tags. They were both five bucks each. "Do you like them?"

"Yes."

"Then you can get both-

"What?" she asked, confused. "But these are so fancy and high quality," she said. Desmond knew the Industrial Revolution had been going on during Evie's time but fast fashion was a hell of a thing.

"It's fine, they're just a few dollars-

"That's expensive! Are you sure?" she asked.

He chuckled. "Yeah. If you like them we can get them. Make sure you find some bottoms you like too to match."

"Are you really sure?" she asked.

"Yes. And tell your brother to stop looking like a creep and pick out some clothes too," Desmond said.

She rolled her eyes. "He knows no other way. But yes, thank you," she held the clothes to her and walked off.

"Those are expensive though, are you sure?" Connor asked. He understood modern money better than Bayek who was ignoring them and looking at clothes.

"It's about the equivalent of fifteen cents," Desmond said, knowing Connor would understand that.

"Oh! Really?"

"Yeah. Inflation is hell of a thing-- don't worry about it, it's economics," he told Connor who just looked so confused.

"I think I like this one," Bayek said and Desmond sighed when he pulled out the most Dad shirt he could have found. It was a tie die tank top. "Finally something brightly colored. This time is so drab," he scoffed. The worst part was Desmond knew he'd absolutely wear it.

"Okay," Desmond said, defeated. Then he groaned at the sound of some very angry Arabic a few rows over. "Now what?" he looked and saw Ezio harassing Altair about... something? "Excuse me. Before Altair kills his biggest fan boy," Desmond said. "Find a shirt that fits you, Connor," he told Connor and went over to where Altair very nearly had his hands on Ezio's neck.

Desmond easily slotted himself between the two of them. "What's this about?" he asked.

"Ezio says I dress like a woman," Altair pointed at Ezio furiously.

"... What? Also how do you know what he's saying?"

"He's just speaking a different version of Latin," Altair said. "That isn't the point!"

Desmond turned to Ezio. "Did you say he's dressing like a girl?"

"I said he'd look like a fancy lady with his dress," Ezio said and yeah Desmond got why Altair was about to kill him.

"Take like twenty steps back while I defuse this bomb you made," Desmond told Ezio.

"I resent that," Altair growled at him.

Ezio did step back and Desmond turned around to him. "So what did he get you about?" Altair raised a shapeless dress that was very much a dress but it was also shaped like a thobe which was traditionally exactly what an old guy like Altair would wear. "Looks like a thobe to me," Desmond said, realizing what Altair was going for.

"Yes. That's what I tried to tell him."

"But it's a dress too."

"So?"

"Look I don't care," Desmond raised his hands before Altair bit his head off. "You'll get looks if you wear that though and I know you hate being perceived." Altair grimaced at that. "If you want a thobe I'll order you one or find one at a Middle East bodega or something but you should just find some pants and a shirt." Altair huffed in annoyance. "Yeah I know, you hate rules. Get over it," Desmond rolled his eyes.

"I am more annoyed you know me better than myself at times," Altair grumbled, arms folded. "Same as the rest."

"Trust me I really wish I didn't. Either way, we can still get it if you want but I would suggest pants."

"Fine," Altair huffed.

"Connor, Connor," he heard Bayek calling from the end of the aisle. At the least that was something they could do. Desmond watched Connor join Bayek down the aisle and Bayek triumphantly held up an old sleeveless Laker's jersey. Desmond snickered imagining Connor's face of horror at the yellow and purple monstrosity. Connor for his part waved his hands like he didn't want it.

An hour or so later Desmond was finally in line for check out with the others. Evie had taken what he'd said to heart and found a bunch of stuff but everyone else was still too stunned by the variety to pick more than three or four pieces. The cashier was pleasant and had clearly seen weirder shit than a guy like Desmond shepherding a bunch of adults forward to have their clothes rung up and then put into individual bags. The total wasn't even that bad for buying clothes for seven people. The more modern Assassins still gasped or gagged at the price but Desmond didn't flinch at the hundred and seventy dollar price tag.

"That had to be wrong," Connor said once they were leaving.

"What was?" Desmond asked.

"The price-

"You said not to worry. That was a fortune!" Evie cried.

"It was like five dollars," Desmond said.

"That's not what the cash register said," Evie insisted.

"It's the equivalent of five dollars," Desmond rolled his eyes.

"Seriously?" Jacob asked.

"Yes. Seriously."

"That's still a lot of money," Arno said.

"For seven people buying clothes that is a steal. I've seen people buy a single shirt for five dollars," and he chuckled when Evie, Jacob, Arno, and Connor looked appropriately disgusted. Bayek, Ezio, and Altair just looked confused.

"Are these dollars worth a lot?" Ezio asked as they walked down the sidewalk.

"I do not have the brain power to convert to florins," Desmond groaned. "Or dinars or deben across like a thousand plus years okay?" he asked. "Like a shilling?"

"Ah," Ezio nodded.

"If you aren't worried about it neither am I," Bayek said.

"Sounds like a bunch of poor people to me," Altair said, specifically in Latin.

"I would agree," Ezio said absently. Desmond slapped his hand over his face.

"I wasn't poor. That's still a lot," Arno said in something recognizing Latin. Both Ezio and Altair laughed at him. "What?"

"Your accent," Desmond said.

"What of it?"

"Sounds like he's talking without moving his lips," Ezio chuckled. "Open your mouth when you speak," he said loudly. "Or speak with your hands. I can understand you better if you do," and he did indeed wave one hand while talking.

"Can we not do this?" Desmond groaned as they got to the parking lot. He'd rented an actual van for the day just to avoid public transport. He'd gotten them all on a bus or subway individually as they'd appeared but he didn't want to have to watch all of them at once on a subway. He knew somehow, someway, someone would get lost and he didn't want to hunt down an Assassin in a big city. Especially not these guys who could be... a bit stab happy if you bothered them too much. Well except Connor.

They all loaded into the van and Desmond reached into the center console to grab the single dose of pain killers he'd made sure to bring with him. Because he knew and had been right; by the end of this shopping trip he could feel the start of a headache. "Okay everyone buckled in?" Desmond turned around once he'd taken the pain killer. There was still some confusion about buckles for Bayek but Jacob had gotten it for him. They all gave him a thumbs up to cut down on the cacophony. "Great. Who wants lunch?" More thumbs up. "How about McDonalds?"

"What's that?" Jacob asked.

Desmond chuckled. "You'll see," he said and backed the car out of the parking spot and drove off from Goodwill.

-----------------

Desmond was looking over rental listings drinking his morning coffee in bed. Altair and Bayek were both on a blow up mattress on the floor. He'd bought a few over the past month but there was still only so much room. It was going to be so expensive to move. Thankfully now that everyone could operate the laptop or tablet now they could input their own gig work so could do more so long as they weren't blinded by boredom. A single bedroom apartment wasn't enough for eight full grown adults.

There wasn't much reasonable in the city itself but outside the city he could rent a full house. That was doable. And about as expensive as his current apartment actually. He scrolled listings on his phone but did consider just picking a neighborhood outside of the city and calling a realtor to find him a rental house. He didn't even care what it was.

He knew it was light out because Bayek woke up. He was punctual and even with the curtains over the windows Bayek always woke up at dawn. He sat up blearily. "Coffee?" it was the one English word he could say because the word didn't exist in any language he knew. It wouldn't have been invented for another sixteen hundred years for him. Didn't mean he hadn't immediately become addicted just like everyone else.

"Full pot in the kitchen," Desmond said, sipping his mug.

Bayek got off the inflatable gingerly and left the room. Desmond didn't have the heart to tell him no matter how careful he was about it Altair always woke up after he left. On the bed Altair huffed, awake now as well. "You could just go back to sleep," Desmond said.

"No," Altair said softly and that tracked. He sat up. "Do you ever worry?"

"I grew up in the twenty first century, my entire body is just made out of anxiety," Desmond said.

Altair grimaced. "I mean why we're here?"

"Nope."

"Really?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

"After the shit I've seen this isn't even the worst of it," Desmond said, sipping his coffee, barely paying attention to Altair.

"How is that possible?"

Desmond looked at him now. "I died, you know," he said casually, like discussing the weather. The only indication that had actually happened was his left arm was fucked up beyond belief. "And coming back from death? Nothing really bothers you," he shrugged. "Certainly not some old head mates."

"Which you won't tell us what that means," Altair said.

Desmond shrugged. "Better that way."

"So you really don't care? Why we're here? Where we came from?"

"Not even a little," Desmond was done looking at rentals. He'd just call a realtor, get them to find him a three bed two and a half bath with a yard. He switched over to Twitter. Perfect turn your brain off activity.

They sat in the dark quiet of Desmond's room for a bit. "What's it like, being dead?" Altair asked after a few minutes. Desmond didn't answer him. "Desmond?" he looked over because Altair's voice was close. He had moved to be next to Desmond's bed.

"You should know what death is like, you've killed more people than me," Desmond said off handedly.

"I've sent people to the afterlife. I've never been to one. The others have grand Catholic ideas. Bayek said he fought gods in his afterlife. But you've died. What's that like?"

"Nothing," was all Desmond said.

"It was nothing?"

"Sure. We'll go with that."

Altair scowled at him. "You're being annoyingly obtuse, young man," he growled.

Desmond looked right at him. "Don't with me," he said in a serious way. It must have been plain on his face because Altair didn't press the subject.

Light spilled in from the living room when Bayek opened the door but it was Ezio behind him who spoke up, "Desmond, Jacob drank all the coffee and there's no more left."

"I made a pot. How'd he drink an entire pot?" Desmond groaned. "Also I know you idiots know how to use the coffee machine."

"No powder," Bayek said in his Dad tie dye tank top.

Desmond sighed. "Okay I'll go to the store," he got out of bed and rummaged around for some pants. Ezio and Bayek left the doorway. "Jacob," he yelled into the main room, "you're coming with me for drinking all the coffee."

"I didn't do shit!" Jacob yelled back.

"You better be dressed when I get out there or I'm dragging your ass to the corner store in your skivies!" and it was a real threat. Desmond changed his shirt and his dead beat dad would have been so proud of him tucking his long sleeved shirt in all the time now. He didn't like it rising up when he lifted his arm, you could see the death damage on his flank too, horrible thick black veins and old burst capillaries. He also always wore a glove now.

Jacob was fuming standing in the living room when Desmond came out of the bedroom but he was fully dressed. The inflatable mattresses had been put away already and the only person with coffee was Bayek since he'd woken up first. "I didn't even drink it all," Jacob complained. "Ezio just says whatever he wants and you believe it."

"Contrary to what he thinks its because the guy can't lie to save his life. Least of all to me," Desmond said. "Now stop complaining," he pulled on his shoes.

When he opened the door to walk out he almost bumped into someone. It was a woman. She was tall for a woman with ash brown hair and old eyes wearing an insanely sharp pant suit. "Veronica?" Jacob said next to him.

"Jacob?" she said with an accent Desmond couldn't place.

"Holy shit what are you doing here?" Jacob asked.

The woman, Veronica?, looked at Desmond, then at Jacob, "That's my question." She looked over Desmond's shoulder then back at Desmond, her eyes wide in an expression just from the way she held herself Desmond took as she wasn't surprised easily. "What are they doing here?"

"Uh... they're my friends?" Desmond said, confused by the line of questioning also who the fuck was this lady? For a moment he thought she was like the others but there was no befuddlement to her, no wide eyed bewilderment. They'd all appeared looking out of time and place. She was not. She was something else.

"Who's at the door?" Ezio came around. "Ah? Maria?" he asked.

"You also recognize her?" Desmond asked.

"That's Veronica," Jacob said. Now the others were coming around.

Desmond looked at the woman who was looking right back. "You also shouldn't be here," she said and it stuck him right in the chest.

"Well that's rude," Evie said. "Don't be mean to our friend, Veronica."

"Do you all recognize this lady?" Desmond asked the Assassins and stepped back into his apartment. He felt better being surrounded by them. Whoever or whatever she was wouldn't be able to fight off seven Master Assassins.

"Of course."

"She was our friend."

"She helped me."

"She knew my father."

"She helped me complete my mission."

They all said almost at once. What the actual fuck? He'd never seen this lady in any of the memories he had but apparently they all knew her. She was a friend. They all knew her by a different name though. "What are you doing here, Melite?" Altair was the only one asking a serious question.

The woman just sort of smiled apologetically. "My name is Kassandra actually," she said. Then she looked at Desmond. "I think we need to talk."

---------

And… that’s it lol Oops sorry If you want to see other scenes maybe suggest some? We should talk about it

[dark-elf-writes]

ac/hp au where the ancestors start out as just a bleeding effect but harry’s magic turns them into proper ghosts/poltergeists. they WILL throw shit around the room if you threaten their darling descendants.

Dumbledore: My boy

Altair, whipping a random knickknack at his head that just barely misses thanks to a quick spell: He’s not your anything.

Harry: Can we get through one talk without one of you trying to kill him?

Ezio already reaching for a letter opener on Albus’ desk: Absolutely not, little sparrow.

[snowe-zolynn-rogers]

I like you’re Sams fanfic, there cool

Can you tell ‘em about your headcanons or like general sams thoughts? Some of the stories have random names and it confuses me a bit, like Altair or Sirius??

Also what your favorite trope to write?

Altair is what I used to call Solar's Sun. And Sirius is what I used to call Solar before he changed his name to Solar.

My favorite trope would have to be chatfics because it's minimal effort and I can also make it take twists and turns. My second favorite is superpower tropes but I haven't done that with SaMS (yet).

As for headcanons, I love the idea of Solar being a chronic weed-smoker and being a generally old creaky man in his 'older than copper' body. Moon being a little shit most of the time. Lunar being a feral little gremlin (see basically all of my groupchat fics). Blood Moon not being able to eat after midnight or they multiply (see my Ten Blood Moons AU). Eclipse having ADHD just like Moon.

[thatconfusedanon]

| Altair comes home, setting Whole in the floor gingerly and collecting all the dark colored candles in the house. He drags Whole off to the kitchen deciding that cleaning wax out of the carpet they set him on would be too much. He frowns deeply, feeling pressure. Magic...|

| Carefully he lights a candle and starts work with healing Whole, taking a slow breath and just getting to work. Sweat beads on his brow as his hands tremble over Whole's body. |

Shit-

| He hisses as he puts a little more energy into sealing the wounds up on his face. They feel faint and next to unsure but dammit he's got to try... |

[demigoddessqueens]

Haytham having a breakdown from all the shit he went through with his sister, Jim and Birch and his fem!s/o comforting him? he just needs to cry, scream and get all that grief out

Thank you for your request anon!

A/N - honestly EVERY SINGLE one of them needs to, down to the whole family line starting with Altair

If he were to ever cry; first, it’s a rarity in it’s own way because Haytham and feelings are an unlikely duo.

And then second, don’t tell anyone else you’ve seen him like this. He couldn’t bear anyone else learning this side of him.

The most you could do for him now is just be there for him.

No empty promises, just comfort and whatever reassurances the remnants of a steel heart can salvage.

It’s pitiful, it’s tragically beautiful but you’re at a loss of what to say.

Gut-wrenching cries and sobs that can only be ripped from the depths of where one’s soul and heart are. Or what’s left of it.

You place a gentle hand on broad shaking shoulders.

There’s little you know of his background but from the scraps you heard in passing, there’s a cold air of loss that perpetually surrounds this man.

The tear drops decorate your shoulder in splotches where he’s hidden his face.

Murmurs of names unfamiliar to you chip away at your exterior because of how Haytham says them. You didn’t know there were others he held close to him.

[starboundmanor]

SYSTEM INTRO !! ^^

GREETINGS EVERYONE!! We are Starbound manor!! I decided to make this blog for shits and giggles, for us to post our stupid little thoughts etc. Some info on us is here!

HOST: KAngel/Ame, ME!!

Hello!! I am KAngel/Ame, the host! I go by he/they pronouns + some neos!! (Fluffy/Meow/Null/Internet) but you are not forced to use those! It would make me happy though ! <3 Our other alters can make more detailed intros on themselves if they wish. too lazy :p

normal system info:

Alter count: 12 atm!

We're all comfy with Masc pronouns like He/him, and are all collectively ok with the name Silas! We are also a transboy. Traumagenic + Fictive heavy, bodily a !!MINOR!! 18+ blogs or 18+ dont interact please! (MY TAG: #INTERNET ANGEL'S DESCENT)

members list below (LONG KINDA):

Airy (Fictive, He/him/alien/space. #Airytypessomething )

Altair (Protector, Brainmade. He/him)

Cyn (Fictive, She/They/It/Null/Virus. TAG: #CYNPOST^_^)

Goodpuffer (Fictive, He/They)

Lamb (Fictive, He/They)

Puter (Brainmade, Ze/Zir/It/Its/Cursed/Internet/Web/Null)

Uzi Doorman (Fictive, Xe/She/They/Crow/Bat. Tag: #BATBITEZ.)

Victim (Fictive, Caretaker (?) Protector #2 He/They/Web)

Aster (?????? Little is known, they just appeared for a bit in co-con and dipped. might be updated, who the fuck is this guy)

Bill Cipher (<- little shit/j -K. Fictive, He/It/Them/Null/Chaos. TAG: #BILLS CHAOS TAG)

N (He/They/Biscuit)

V (She/They/It. TAG: #DISASSEMBLYCATX3)

+ one little we will not add since they arent allowed to go online in places that arent youtube to watch animal videos etc.

DNI/BOUNDARIES:

basic dni, over 18. Fakeclaimers (we are not letting random strangers on the internet tell us if we have a disorder or not. kindly fuck off) Also please dont drag us into drama + please dont compare us/me to our sources. We are not our sources!! (all we can think of atm might update)

We will also sign off on our posts.

Bye!!! <33

(WE ALSO ANSWER ASKS AND STUFF PLEASE ASK US THINGS OK BYE)

-Yours truly, KAngel/Ame ! <3