#also your last line 😭😭😭 literally we just go through this every year for a few months it’s like a fire safety drill lmfao

[pinkaditty]

Could we have some after-sex headcannons with Rook and MC? I feel like he's the type of guy to bathe in the afterglow

okok anon i know it's been like ten thousand years since i received this ask but please know i never forgot abt you and i love you for submitting an ask <3

cw: mention of sex, implied sexual encounters, implied and mentioned threesome, penetrative mention, and i think that's all!

a/n: woooooo answering asks!!! i will answer others in the coming weeks i PROMISE i see your asks and i will deliver! <3 my reqs are open so please feel free to ask me anything!!! :)

MINORS DNI AS USUAL! PLEASE RESPECT MY BOUNDARY! PLEASE!

first off anon you're TOTALLY RIGHT Rook 1000% bathes in the afterglow and just lays there for a moment after his orgasm bc he always makes sure he's last, prioritizing your orgasm.

sometimes he doesn't even need to get off, fully satisfied after he's made you finish however many times you requested or he felt like doing

definitely is an aftercare person, but he's not immediate with it. he takes his time, slow and steady with it.

he'll kiss you a few times on your forehead, cheeks, nose, and chin, thanking you for the enjoyable time and experience

he'll hold you close too, regardless of how naked the two of you are. he's going to squeeze you flush against him.and y'all will just lay there for like. half an hour or something. he won't deprive you of aftercare too long.

then he'll get up for a while, and though you miss his warmth, he's running a warm bath for you so it won't be long.

once it's filled to the brim of warm water and all the right skin products to create the perfect bubble bath, he either walks you or carries you to the bath and gently places you in there.

no, he's not joining you, at least not immediately. he's bathing you. literally stroking his hands across every nook and cranny of your skin and I mean everywhere. Literally.

once he's bathed you, he might join you, happy to cuddle you in the warm water and wash your hair or have you bathe him in return.

maybe another round lol

after the bath, he picks you up out of there, dries you off, helps you with your hair before taking you back to his room and sitting you on a comfortable stool while he washes the sheets ofc and then makes his bed and puts you right back in the comfort of his sheets

bottom line he DOES NOT let you lift a finger lol like he's not gonna! not at all! even if he got his back blown out via pegging or fucking or what have you… he will not let you lift a finger. he's servicing you and that's that.

ok i want to entertain the possibility of Vil being present lol sooooo…

if you all had a threesome Vil is also helping pamper you except he absolutely joins you in the bath and the two of you wash each other as Rook helps wash your hair

Vil also is probably the fastest recovering and definitely will initiate a second round in the bath should he have both yours and Rook’s consent

he'll also go and run the bath if Rook is still cuddling you

he's just slightly more busybody not really his fault he'll still love to cuddle you

also after the bath he'll make sure to take you step by step through his skincare routine

maybe he'll practice makeup with you and Rook if you have the energy

if not he'll just cuddle with the two of you and either rest and enjoy each other's company or watch one of his father's movies or something like that

very pleasant experience either way

a/n: lol i might do this for other characters too bc this was kinda fun?? also im sorry if this like isn't up to par 😭😭 i am thinking about redoing it to be honestttt but just lmk if you'd like a redo im happy to oblige!

ofc as usual shameless bit that I love love loooooove reblogs, comments, and asks!! please let me know what you thought! I love to cater to you!

[puffyducks]

DCRC Week #11

We're reading PKNA #8: Silicon and I do not remember this story. That's about all I have to say beforehand oop.

How are you gonna IMMEDIATELY start the Donald Duck comic book with half naked women omfg what if my mom sees me reading this

I do find it funny that they're trying to get rid of Fangus when he was LITERALLY in New Zealand just last issue. Like sure he was there for work but he was still gone for some period of time, it's like he came home and they were like "ok now LEAVE" which like. yeah fair. it's Angus Fangus.

Never ask a Scottish person to say "purple burglar alarm"

He's so babygirl here in his pink shirt btw. or like purple idk purpleish pink shirt

As opposed to what Uno, artificial humor??? Bro I've seen AI write jokes and that shit is ASS don't even try

wait why the hell does Fangus have duck feet? kiwi feet don't look like that????

man not THIS asshole again. go home broke ass uno. you will never be him.

I'm not calling you a "good boy" PK that patrol wa- sorry.

I'mma be fr I'm more unnerved by these naked evronians than I thought I'd be. Also what's with the line dividing their torsos? It makes them look like they have a shirt and pants on which like.... DO they?????

I love when they fuck with Angus Fangus can we just keep gaslighting him forever please

I think there's something interesting to be said about the fact that Due is basically identical to Uno in every way, having only turned evil from being forced to lie dormant for years and unable to use his insane amount of intelligence and computing power. Like, if we locked Uno in an empty room for a decade would he have the same response? Is there a great capacity for evil lurking within that beautiful green orb of his??? Idk I'm not here to do a huge analysis, RIP bozo packwatch. I'm sure Due is gone for real this time.

shoutout to that one name that comes SO close to being matpat. also who the fuck is uncle sis

oh fuck. shit. fuck. not again. DAMMIT. HE LIVED. MAN. BOOOOOO

I don't have much to say in terms of reflection so I guess that wraps up this- oh my god wait a second, what's this??? There's still a few pages left? That's right folks, Looks like it's time for our first ever

🎊✨~ BONUS COMIC!!!! ~✨🎊

That's right bitch, PKNA has a bunch of little mini stories after the issues. Unfortunately the first series is focused on Angus Fangus </3 but HEY Trip is after this and I love Trip so we just have to stay strong and pull through ok. Trust.

New baby Angus Fangus just dropped. Punting this fucker into the sun.

Oh she's bad asf ok

GET A JOB STAY AWAY FROM HER

HELLO??? THAT'S SUCH A FUCKING DRASTIC TURN 😭

Actually you know what good on Vicious for backstabbing Fangus and stealing his award. That's what we call girlbossing your way to the top 💅 also like it's Angus Fangus who really cares

Ok see you next week :3c I miss Xadhoom

[semperreformanda]

life update

last june my boss let me go for “not being a good fit”

it didn’t take me long to put two and two together and realize that the big reason was because of my pregnancy. and the biggest support to this theory was he talked negatively about a coworker (who was in the company for 6+ years) who got pregnant, saying stuff like “I don’t want her back … I already know how it goes when employees get pregnant, they’ll start calling out … I don’t want to deal with that” he would say all that stuff to me and others behind her back so I knew I was only gonna stick around to save some $$$ and use the insurance as much as I could

(oh and she was forced to resign bc they literally did not want her there anymore 🙃)

but when it finally happened it drove me in anxiety and anger because I had relied on the insurance especially bc I AM PREGNANT

yes it is illegal yes I should have reported it but I had no energy to do anything

but God reminded me through it all that He provides and He does! and so silly of me to think He could provide for my greatest need (my salvation through Christ) but not provide for our little earthly needs

another reason I was annoyed was I was already planning to quit but they beat me to it 😂 but that was honestly the worst company I’ve ever worked for. I could not deal with the constant disrespect and the yelling and the cussing and their questionable ethics

they stole an engineer’s professional seal and stamp it on their projects WITHOUT HIS APPROVAL meaning all projects are “approved” 🥴 this was the last straw for me bc imagine all the hazards

anyways… that was almost 3 months ago and I honestly feel so relieved to not be working there anymore. I spent too many times feeling so incredibly stressed out and then even more stressed out that I may be hurting the baby from it

speaking of… I am already 27 weeks pregnant today 😭 I remember when I first saw that faint line and thought I was hallucinating things. we tried for months only with a stark white test every month, so seeing a shadow of a line sent chills down my spine. and 27 weeks later my little bubba has gotten so big and active 😭 I love him so much

like it’s so crazy how he’s so close to me but also so far it’s like a long distance relationship 🥴💀

also learned a lot about gestational diabetes bc my hypochondriac brain was convinced I HAD IT

apparently it’s not due to your diet and you can’t even cause it. shocking how this is not widespread knowledge, because so many moms feel guilty for failing their baby when they’re diagnosed but in reality it is mostly your placenta being a jerk 😭

so for the past few days when I got the call that I failed my 1 hour I acted like I had gestational diabetes 😭 became very picky with what I ate, which is hard bc my culture loves rice 😭 and I took 10 min walks after meals

all I could think about was my blood sugars spiking and how I needed to bring it down 💀

also I had to fast for at least 8 hours before I could do my 3 hour glucose test which was honestly so hard bc if you’ve been pregnant you know the pregnancy hunger pangs!!! I cried after my test because I was anxious about having GD and also I felt so bad for my baby 😭😭 like I starved him 😂 even though I know he’s fine in there because placenta n all dat

anyways I just wanted to let you guys in on that bc why not and also I’m bored and drinking chai while my husband works besides me 🙂🤠

[aprillikesthings]

okay okay okay I have time for one episode tonight

s5 ep6 taking control

The ship is malfunctioning, Entrapta is working on it with Wrong Hordak's help

poor Adora

(also I did reread Nate's fic last night and like, I know teeechnically it's not canon because it's not in the show and I don't think he ever officially admitted it was his fic? but also it is canon. And boy does it make this sorta light-hearted scene more serious.)

OH GOD I'M DYING

Bow: "How did you turn into She-Ra without the sword?"

GIRLY like yes obviously it's wild that you can do it without the sword, but ALSO you can admit to them that it was because you were that upset about Catra.

Like the people who are suddenly able to lift a car because their loved one is trapped under it.

...."come out"

heh

oh see that's easy you just have to make Adora think Catra is almost dead

Glimmer: "The important thing is she was there when your friends needed her!"

He's not...wrong...

Also Horde Prime knows where they are, dun dun dunnnnn, roll intro (which hasn't changed yet but I'm watching it)

poor bb

yeah that's horrifying

oh right this part is literally in Nate's fic

Adora keeps coming back to check on her, and Catra feigns sleep every time. She doesn’t touch the water bottle even though her dry throat aches, because then Adora would know that she had been awake. But eventually, she slips into shallow dreams again — the green fluid, Prime’s smirk, the pain, his voice — and that’s when Adora happens to check in on her again. At the sound of the door Catra sits bolt upright, her heart pounding out of her chest and a terrified scream bursting from her mouth before she can choke it down. And just like that, her cover’s blown. And Adora’s looking at her with that same stupid, hopeful look, like Catra hasn’t spent years trying to burn her and everything she loved. And she can’t stand it.

So Catra does what she always does. She retreats behind her walls, lashes out, needles Adora where she knows it stings the most. It’s what she is. She’s an animal, nothing more than base instincts and rotten heart, just as everyone has always said she was. She’s poison, she’s fire, she’s broken glass, and all she knows how to do is hurt and be hurt in turn.

okay this reminds me of this post tho

okay back to serious

the line delivery here is so good but also 😭

Catra's split-second look of disbelief before it turns back to hard anger, aaugh

ppl do not (usually) change over night

WAHHHH

Adora leaves, angry, and something in Catra, some small childish piece that somehow hasn’t been completely stamped out, wants to call after her, wants to run after her into the bright hallway. She doesn’t. She stays in the dark. She doesn’t know how to leave it.

*cries*

Anyway back on Etheria, they're playing games to keep Frosta entertained and also AN ON SCREEN LESBIAN KISS

Apparently it was the combination of the previous episode and this one that made the first people to watch this season realize "oh we're going to get an actual catradora kiss. on screen. aren't we."

(I remember the day before Netflix dropped the episodes, with everyone I knew on social media basically doing a "will they or won't they." I'm Fandom Old and just kept reminding myself that if they didn't get a kiss or a love confession it was either for good story reasons (Catra was still doing bad shit at the end of s4!) or because the showrunners were forbidden from doing it. But man I was online intentionally spoiling myself as soon as I could. I HAD TO KNOW, but Daci and I watched it like a day later)

Okay so this is part of why I struggle to get how multiple years passed as the show goes on--why is Frosta still like. Eleven.

Glimmer is holding up a box that looks like the ancient sugar Madame Razz used to make pie. Which was also on this ship now that I think about it? That's. Thousand-year-old sugar.

But also

Adora: "After everything we've been through she's still a stubborn brat!!" Glimmer: "This is Catra we're talking about. Did you think she was just instantly going to become a totally different person?"

yeah Adora thought Catra would be grateful and like....lol no

that apron says "kiss the cook" unless someone convinces me otherwise

Also the Horde is following them

awwww another little she-ra doll :( anyway everyone's being weird and creepy

flying through an asteroid field is Entrapta's idea of a great time

BUT HORDE'S SHIPS FOUND THEM and getting banged around made Catra have flashes D:

They've been tracing Catra's neck chip

okay but that's not actually Catra's fault

Yeah I remember this part of the plot 😬

YUP

But yeah Adora drags Entrapta into Catra's room and she does NOT react well, which uhhhh makes sense given her and Entrapta's last interaction

but yeah the phrase "cornered animal" comes to mind

a cat at the vet's office with a "sedate first" sticker on her file

Entrapta's confusion is so genuine. She also sounds a little hurt tbh

i mean yeah that about covers it

well now I'm thinking of a fic I've read

AND I'VE HIT THE IMAGE LIMIT what timing lol okay hold on

[diggingupgrave]

Magnificently Cursed... the blog post ✨

🕰🍂🕯🌿📔🧣🌙

My writing log says it’s been exactly a year since I started writing Magnificently Cursed, my Dark Academia Inuokko Magic School AU! I find summer to be insufferable (my apologies to the sun) so I took an escape hatch to an early fall last year and immediately fell down this massive rabbit hole. Not only did I write the whole fic and make overly-intricate graphics for each chapter… I also made a ton of other content that I simply didn’t have enough time to post! (Fall is but one season… unless you’re me, and it’s two, because fuck summer) So as a little anniversary gift to me, I’m going back through the archives and finally putting everything in one place. 

Let’s start with the character mood boards, shall we? 

Toge Inumaki: 

I wanted Toge to have an earthy/natural, vintage-y feel, while Yuuta was all sleek and new. I’m still completely obsessed with this library-lizard aesthetic for Toge.

I low-key wound up buying a brown sweater after searching online for literal hours just like the one in the upper left so we could twin. That duffle coat still has my whole heart. Lavender mug inspired by Neara 🥺

Yuuta Okkotsu:

The lil ghostie patch 😭 I still think Yuuta would look hot as hell in all these clothes- especially the speckle-y fisherman sweater. Coat game is strong here as well. 

... so is it obvious that I spend too much time on Canva yet? 😅

The Timeline: 

My outline wasn’t outlining and I resorted to making an in-world calendar to make sure the dates were realistic. Each chapter is a different color, and the lines represent what days the chapters covered in-world. The corresponding stars represented each chapter’s posting dates… except the real life dates didn’t line up with the fictional dates (rude), so those thursdays were actually saturdays? I think? I'm actually not 100% sure what past me was up to here, to be totally honest 😅

(also, politely ignore that bit that says “epilogue - december” 💀i’ll get to it when i get to it. I don’t really like the idea of it being *over* so maybe i'll just gatekeep that bit forever)

⬆️ Example of aforementioned “outlining,” which, yes, is unfortunately littered with as many potential tweets as actual organization 💀

Not pictured: the outline for the first three chapters… when i thought this fic… would only *be* three chapters. 🪦

Writing Log:

I wrote all 92k between July 13th and September 13th (including 60k in August, nanowrimo style)!

Honestly would love to know what her regimen was because i immediately went back to being slow and undisciplined. I don’t foresee this coming august looking anything like this, lol.

Also, sidenote, hilarious that I took a break to work on it would make a whole in the middle of this? Because I literally just finished that piece this week and posted it today 😅

The Playlist:

Spotify proving that July 13th commitment! If you start a wip without procrastinating and making a playlist for two hours first... did you really start a new wip?

The playlist was three and a half hours and i would listen to it nearly every day, sometimes multiple times in a day 💀. Listen during a rainstorm for peak vibes.

(other favs not pictured: The Butterflly Effect’s cover of “Lay All Your Love on Me,” Sabrina Carpenter’s “Decode,” Liz Longley’s “Rescue My Heart,” and "Nothing's Gonna Happen" by The Staves) 

Bonus:

(fall baking... toge's fav pumpkin muffins of course)

(my toge sweater knockoff)

(editing buddy... clearly working very hard)

(cider donut cider... for the ✨vibes✨)

(obsessively drinking massive pots of harney and son’s victorian london fog tea as i tried to interpret my own bullshit)

(me celebrating actual halloween like i didn't start in july)

.... ANYWAY (if you made it this far 😅) many thanks to anyone who read/kudos/commented/supported this fic, because (if you can't tell already) i had so much fun writing it.

Currently, working on another longfic rn that's also promising to destroy my life... but you never forget your first 😘

[softpine]

i agree :( each of them have their own reasons for not wanting to go, but the important thing to me is that elaine made it known that it’s important to her, and still no one is going with her. we know jada was thinking about going to the dance, but she ultimately chickened out of asking alisa and now she’s way too pissed off to go. asa just wants to be depressed in peace 😭 so i understand them, but that doesn’t mean they’re being particularly good friends right now

 @morrigan-sims​ when i said the thing about this post not being a hit, it looked like it was flopping fjksjds but then a bunch of people replied to it and reblogged it so now i look silly 🤡 (i'm just kidding, i obviously appreciate the love so much)

that’s a really good question and it’s one you’ll probablyyy get the answer to at some point :P

hehe :) i’m still trying to find the line between dropping hints vs. being too annoying with the constant references to something, but i’m hoping that every mention of homecoming feels a little bit like hearing the jaws soundtrack in the distance lmao

omg i’m too scared to reread it myself, i feel like i would find a million inconsistencies and drive myself crazy fjskdjs it’s just the nature of posting something as i go rather than waiting until it’s finished. but if you do reread it, i hope you enjoy it!! thank you so much for sticking with it and sharing your thoughts, it means sooo much to me 🥺💖 and those pictures of asa are my favorite ahhh he was such a cute lil baby ;-;

i love when girls treat having a crush like going to war ♥ if anyone watched the last of us HBO show and the behind the scenes footage at the end, i really loved how craig described the conversation between maria and ellie as a choreographed fight scene. that was my inspiration for the dialogue in this scene! i wanted each sentence to feel like a punch or a dodge. they really are beating each other up with their minds fjskjds

be careful what you wish for......... but also i would need a damn good reason to cut my best friends out of my life after so many years; it wouldn’t be over something like this. they can still work through this for sure

ooh okay here’s a vague spoiler!!

aww cute!! but wolfgang and sofia feels like it’d be a lavender marriage to me fjskdjs

@bitchyybabyy400​ ahhhh thank you so much!! 🥺 that makes me so happy; inspiring other people creatively is my favorite thing. nothing stunts creativity quite like school does, but i hope you’re doing well and have time to work on the things that make you happy too!! i appreciate the kind words so much 💖💖

i honestly still edit motion the same way (i actually made a tutorial for it here) but i’m a lot more sparing with it, because most of the time it’s unnecessary to show motion when you can show movement instead. even if the scene is just two characters sitting down and talking, i try to find a way to force them to move, stand up, do something with their hands, etc. in those cases, i don’t need motion blur, i just need to be careful with my camera angles! and omg my editing has changed soooo much, i wouldn’t even know where to start listing the changes. when i first started on simblr, i would literally take a yellow brush and dab it on the corners of each picture and gaussian blur it to create “light leaks” fjskdjs they looked like shit 😭 i’ve hit all the phases: way too yellow and overexposed, way too dark and desaturated. i used to have sooo much clipping and i had no idea how to fix it the way i do now. but it’s all a learning curve! i can make fun of my old editing decisions, but i don’t regret anything because those decisions are the only reason i know the things i know now :’)

[nikasholistic]

You said somewhere in your ask about relationship advice that “very often the perfect relationship comes when you're not actively looking for it.” I have always believed that but I just want to ask your view about something that happened to my love life that’s like both in harmony to that saying and is like a contradictory at the same time. So a little back story, last year I used to go to this guy’s live on TikTok, he’s tiktok famous, his videos are all about his thoughts about love, relationships, his past heartbreaks and everything about romantic relationship. At first I never had any initial serious intentions, I wasnt even that much attracted to him, but he is a pretty guy, fine as fuck, enough reason for me to flirt with him every time he would go live, I was always on the comment throwing compliments and corny pick up lines 😂 but I wasn’t deep into anything, I was just doing it for fun and maybe out of boredom. during those times never in my mind that I assumed that he’d see me as a separate girl that would standout or be noticeable from the other girls that would shoot their shot/flirt with him on his live… because he is really that attractive, that he is so used to girls always flirting with him. Looking back, I just realized I was consistently actively supporting him for like 3 months… until I stopped going to his live, maybe I got bored and tired of it, I didn’t go to his live for maybe another 3 months. Then one time he crossed my mind, I checked his tiktok account and he deactivated it, I was wondering what happened, I went through his IG, and he posted on his story a quote “trust actions not words”. Then days after he reactivated his account, I caught his live and hopped on it, I typed something, he went silent when he noticed my name popped up, then he said “you didn’t come to my live for 3 years” (can hear the pain in his voice) I was so surprised 😮 (((in my mind, the 3 months I was gone felt like 3 years for him?!?!?!😭😭😭))) and then he said more things to me that made me realize he was waiting and looking for me the whole time that I was gone, and as soon as I came to a realization that I was on his mind for 3 months, it felt like I was in heaven for a moment 😂😭💕 I also found out the reason he deactivated his TikTok account was because I stopped going to his live.. so basically, HE CAUGHT FEELINGS 😂😭 flirting for fun literally turned into feelings 😂😂😂 this is the part where I want to understand what you said about finding love when u don’t actively look for it, Because it’s like I was doing all that flirting but I was detached to any outcome, it was like I was applying pressure but I had no attachment to any expectations, I was just giving love freely but I wasn’t trying to pursue him, it appeared like I was “chasing” but I really had no goal to make him fall inlove. I was just putting love out there, and I didn’t expect all the love I gave would comeback to me stronger than what I put out. It all started and happened last year and he is still attached to me. I went from watching his videos talking about love, to now being the subject of his videos 😂😭😂😭 can u please explain how the law of attraction/law of detachment applied on this situation cause 😂

Wow, that's so cool. I think what happened is you focused all your energy on him and also was sending out the energy of love, so you got in your reality the circumstances that matched this energy. You just had this state of being of giving love without attachment. We always get what we are, because reality is our mirror. And I think you also were focusing on this guy a lot during his lives, so it's almost like you set this unconscious intention to make him notice you, and it worked. 😀✨

[lv-iceprince]

https://www.tumblr.com/lv-iceprince/763842297608749056/httpswwwtumblrcomlv-iceprince763835954024873

Lol but you still get to go! Skz being so popular now, atp I would be happy to even be in the back to see them live. I don’t even know how I got to see Ateez soo close as VIP back in August. The absolute hell my sis, friend, and mom had to go through because there was more than 5,000 in line in the morning to get their lanyard was insane. I made like 3 lines and each was a 2-3 hour wait and by the time soundcheck and the concert started, we were already out. My sis literally just waited till “Its You” to play and then she left the concert only to get lost in the streets on her way back to the hotel🤣🤣So much chaos that day lol

I’m here and I’m glad you’re here!😭

Nahh I wouldn’t care, I’ll watch the anime I want to watch thank you very much lol good on you! Ooo I may just check Free out then

Really??😭😭For me, it helps me learn about myself in astrology and the level of detail you put into writing them is just chefs kiss🤌I know it’s so time consuming but it really is worth it and just knowing potential dynamics with your bias really makes it hard not to want to request it😭

You are sooo sweet I don’t deserve you😭I love your energy too♥️🫶🏼I would definitely wait as long as it takes. I’m literally about to kiss the ground rn thank you so much😭🙇🏻‍♀️♥️

~🎶

I HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO GO BUT I DOWNGRADED FOR MY MUM I COULD HAVE BEEN RIGHT NEAR THE STAGE

But my love for her outweighs skz, idk lmao.

It was so hard to get tickets but I managed to get some of the better ones with a version of VIP where I get the merch and they're doing this whole sleep set thing for Australia. I was also super close last year when they came to Australia so I got enough Felix and Hyunjin validation that night so I don't mind whatever seat tbh.

But that's so true I was prepared to not even get tickets since Stray Kids are getting so popular now

But that sounds so insane, I don't even think I'd enjoy that with the way it was for Ateez that is literally so chaotic I don't know how you dealt with that without losing it! But wait ago for you getting VIP to see Ateez that is the greatest achievement ever!

Now with Free, I love the dub more it just feels like it has more character, kind of like the voice acting for Final Fantasy. And despite it being so popular back in the day no one mentions it but it's probably top tier.

It's not exactly like Yuri on Ice or anything but it has a similar vibe and the animation is so so so so pretty! The way they animate water differently in every episode is so beautiful and it makes me cry. Just the most artistic show ever.

And yeah I see what you mean, I lost it, idk where it is but I did request a synastry ship with Felix once. I felt like royalty because our Mars was Marsing and the energy was like dream level.

And yep yep yep yep yep I will do it 100% I'm actually sorting out birth charts now for the other 2 people who have requested so no problem and nice choice with Yeosang. I have never done any ateez synastry ships but you requesting him and someone choosing Hongjoong I AM SO PUMPED

I'm not rushing I was already doing some work on a synastry ship now so I really don't mind ^.^ ^.^

[1d1195]

midnight memories has some different type of magic injected in it i swear because that album is perfect. you have great taste i absolutely adore both those albums <333

YOURE NOT STUPID !!!! like seriously don’t even worry abt it i don’t expect to remember everything we talk abt i just thought i might’ve mentioned a song that reminded me of him but i might have completely made that up in my head so who knows lol ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ also seriously you’re way too hard on yourself about these things because what you give us is ABSOLUTELY perfect. like. i don’t even know how to describe it but every time i see you’ve posted something i truly get sooooo happy. so be as original as you want or go over the same tropes and lines a million times, we’ll all love it and support you no matter what !!💞🫶 (also i think all of us here truly don’t mind if you do the same tropes/scenes with different characters i think all fanfic readers go over the same stuff again n again and we eat it up every time😂😂)

OMG YES THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME !!! ofc i finished it haha i was literally stalking your page waiting for the last part😭 i canNOT tell you how much i loved it. i’ve literally reread it so many times THEYRE JUST SO CUTE. and i think i see myself a lot in that specific character because i was homeschooled like halfway through my schooling and all the people i used to know moved to a different state and so i just became like this awkward girl who didn’t understand parties, sucked at socializing, and would rather hangout in her room and read all night so i totally understand the feeling of not fitting in with people your age😭😭 NOT TO SOUND SAD AHAH I CAN PULL OUT THE EXTROVERT IN ME WHEN I NEED TOO BUT I JUST REALLY GET HER AND I LOVE HER SM SM SMMM I WANNA GIVE HER A HUG

her being a little nervous about their first time and worrying she’s gonna be bad in bed was SO real AND THE CAR RIDE THERE WHEN HE SAID SHE CANT TALK BECAUSE HE REALLY WANTS TO LISTEN BUT HE CANT LISTEN BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO MAKE SURE HE GETS HER THERE SAFELY UGHHH MY HEART MELTEDDD☹️🥺

another part i found funny was the “omg this is the perfect place for you to murder me 👀” and the way she laid out the whole plan JSDGHAAKKA just them💞💞💞💞💞💞 the fluff at the end was sooooo amazing and the way he was so reassuring about everything she was anxious about before. and them being a lil domestic and going grocery shopping together😭😭😭😭 loved seeing that little glimpse of how they work together alone. i can totally see them getting their own little apartment after graduation like if they decide to go to grad school or get internships or jobs or something idk but they’d be so cute living together officially

I AM SO SOOO SORRY THIS IS SO LONG BUT I ALWAYS ENJOY TALKING TO YOU AND I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY MWAH

~🎶

I find 1D’s discography is best listened to in certain seasons. So TMH is a summer album. Four is for Fall. Midnight Memories I have a hard time pinning sometimes but I’m a big fan of blasting Strong this time of year when the temp is warming up where I live. MITAM is a winter album to me but obviously I’m listening to them all year round 😂

I’m 😭 thank you for being so supportive it means the world to me. I feel so UNoriginal sometimes but I just love the idea of love and unfortunately there’s only so many ways I can make my couples say I love you hehehe

IM SO GLAD YOU LIKED IT!!! That’s so cool you were homeschooled! I’ll have about 10009 more questions for you but I need a moment to think about them and ask but I was NOT homeschooled and I feel the very same way about you. I’m a wicked introvert in an extroverted world so it’s ROUGH and WAS rough all throughout college. I still feel stupid most of the time in social situations.

Not to sound egotistical, but loved the little part in the car about getting her there safely 🥰🥰 and the serial killer part was just something to keep it a little funny 😂 so glad you enjoyed!!!

Thank you SO much for envisioning a life after college because now I have some ideas for follow ups!! 👀👀👀

NEVER apologize for long messages. It’s my entire life! I love it! Hope you’re having a good day too!

Xoxo

[netegf]

i am so excited to read this beautiful masterpiece and to delve into nete!!! his feelings are so strong and i am literally so giddy to see his perspective, esp considering where we left off omg!! <3 😱💖💖💖

Maybe he used to, back when he was young and naive. Back then, he cried a lot, each morning a dreaded reminder of the pain and ache that awaited him each day, all for a purpose he couldn’t quite understand yet, that made no sense in a child’s mind, that had no way of truly understanding the concept of a future littered with war and loss, a future where he would carry the burden of being the next leader of his clan, the eldest son of the mighty, revered Toruk Makto and Palulukan Makto, the grandson of brave, respected leaders, the next in line of a ruling dynasty filled with great people he had to follow and to live up to. 

ok so this is my second read-through because i was literally so excited to get started lmfao!!! but this part here hit me square in the chest when i first read it... poor bb nete :'(( the anxiety, the pressure, the fear of failure here is so palpable and REAL. i relate to him so hard and feel all of that weight on his shoulders. and in retrospect, it also makes the words nete overhears later that much more hurtful 😭😭😭😭🩷🩷🩷🩷 such thoughtful andra writing omllllll <33333 all the emotions!!!!

He couldn’t do this without you. He needed you to be his first flight. Like you told him last year, and like it’s been solidified in his soul every day since, you and him were meant to rise and fall together. You were meant to fly together, to soar together. And that couldn’t happen if a tiny accident delayed your progress. 

this literally made my heart clench.. his gnawing concern and panic for her.. he's so scared of being alone with his fears it's literally going to make me tear up i cannot 🥺🥺🥺 there's something really vulnerable and scary about actively recognizing in the present how important someone is in your life and that you might completely collapse without them.. i feel his anticipatory grief like crazy and i feel him so hard <333 i also love that reader can read his feelings so well 💖💖💖💖

“I know what I promised. And I intend to keep my promise. You don’t have to worry, Teyam. You and I have always been two sides of the same coin. And as long as you want me by your side, nothing could ever pry me away.”  "Just hang on, please. Shit. Please don't die. Please don't die."

this juxtaposition is LITERALLY cinematic!!!!!!! 🤭🤭🤭🤭

Neteyam didn’t get scared often. A whole lifetime of being raised like a soldier made his skin as thick as an 'angtsìk’s, and little ever managed to get under it. You did. You had unmatched prowess to make him feel so many things, too many things, all too intense, all too powerful, all too overbearing. When he was young, all of them were good and pure, all exciting and hopeful - love. It was love. Now, he feels anger and resentment, vengeful spite and deep arousal, all of which poison his mind and make him a version of himself he hates. Hate. That’s it. It’s all hate, isn’t it? So if it is… why are his limbs trembling and eyes watering, why is his mind jumbled with all these memories, why has the blood coursing through his veins been irreparably polluted with so much deep, earth-shattering terror and grief at the thought of losing you? Why was there a crater in his chest where his heart usually resided when he imagined his life without you in it?

me reading this part:

ANDRAAAAAAA </33333333333 😭😭😭😭🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷

HE IS ABSOLUTELY FALLING APART AND VERY EMOTIONALLY CONFUSED! i loooooooove reading these kinds of descriptions omg

That day was Neteyam's happiest day. That memory is still something that he cherishes deeply, that he'll never be able to shake, that haunts him at night, that shakes his resolve whenever he's thinking of a new way to make you pay. That memory is still untarnished in his mind, and it will always remain so, especially today, as he's fastening Oare's lifeless form onto Seze, petting her one last time, allowing the tears he's been stubbornly pushing back this entire day to finally fall from his cheeks onto her face, almost like she was the one crying, one last time. "I'm sorry, girl. I'm so sorry."

this moment was so fucking beautiful :'((((( i appreciate that despite how much the two of them have been through together, and all the inner turmoil and history, he knew how important it was to honour Oare and reader in this way 🥹🥹🥹🩵🩵🩵🩵

then bring Oare back to the village for a proper funeral :(((((( my. heart is exploding at this point

"... that it should be her. She should be the next Olo'eykte. That she is the most deserving of it, has been since she was young. It took a long time to see it for myself, but... I don't know. Maybe he.." + "I mentioned it to her. She said she... doesn't want to mate with Neteyam. That she couldn't ever love him the way a mate would. She was... very adamant about it."

I FEEL SO !!!!! </333333333 i feel like this was literally his two biggest fears omg :'((( one, that the people around him (especially his FATHER AHHHHH!) think he's unfit to lead the clan / incompetent, and two, that reader would never love him in that way... 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔 i am utterly!!! in distress!!!! i feel like this context perfectly sets up the rest of the series... it makes so much sense that something this harsh and earth-shattering to nete would force him to switch up to a 'hate' that intense - he probably felt like he needed to rewire his brain after that 😭😭😭😭😭

queen andra, as always, ur work is so remarkable and i'm so invested in this beautiful story 💖💖💖💖💖🥰🥰🥰🥰 thank u thank u thank u for ur incredible work!!!!

𝕄𝕠𝕟𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕀𝕟 𝕄𝕖 | ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕍: 𝕋𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕊𝕥𝕦𝕡𝕚𝕕 𝕋𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕘 ℂ𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕖𝕕 𝕃𝕠𝕧𝕖

Pairing: Neteyam x (f)Omaticaya!Reader

synopsis: Memories flood Neteyam's mind as he deals with your accident, making him relieve your history and all the reasons he can't shake you from his life, no matter how hard he tries.

warnings: 18+ minors DNI, aged-up! Neteyam/Reader, enemies-to-lovers, angst (mentions of violence, battle, blood, death)

wc: 5.1k words

a/n: I'm actually really nervous about this chapter, because while I love it, it's different than any other Monster in Me chapter so far. This is also the only chapter I've ever written entirely from the MMC's POV, and I hope you enjoy finally finding out why Neteyam's been acting the way he has, and why he's so adamant in his quest for vengeance. As always, thank you for asking to be tagged, I'd love to hear your feedback, your replies and asks and reblogs make my life, so thank you! Thank you to @cinetrix for her amazing Neteyam art, ilysm bestie x and thank you to @draiochtwrites for listening to me talk about my stupid ideas for hours every day, i love you x

na'vi compendium: txepvi  - spark, ite - daughter, srane - yes, Olo'eykte - female Olo'eyktan, tam-tam - calm, oare - moon, tewng - loincloth, torukspxam - octoshroom, ngaytxoa - I'm sorry, 'itan - son, angtsìk - Hammerhead Titanothere, yarik - herbivore, ftang - stop, tsantu - good guy, tsìltsan 'eve - good girl, kali'weya - arachnoid used in Uniltaron

: ̗̀➛ previous chapter (x) : ̗̀➛ series masterlist (x) : ̗̀➛ series playlist (x)

And maybe in another life We fight all day, kiss all night But I don't wanna break your heart You keep yours, I'll keep mine

Neteyam, for the first time in his life, couldn’t have cared less if he tried that there was a battle underway, that there were humans screaming and charging at the Na’vi around him, that the explosions happening every time a helicopter went down in flames deafened his ears - none of it mattered anymore, not as he heard the screech of an ikran he knew all too well, that he loved, that was now lifelessly falling towards the ground, taking the woman of his worst nightmares and biggest fantasies along, not when, with every second passing where he ignored the rest of his surroundings and dove as fast as his own ikran could possibly fly in order to make it to you in time, another memory flashed across his mind, so many memories he thought he left behind, so many memories that would haunt his every waking moment if he wouldn’t catch you, if he was too late. 

“Teyam, do you trust me?” 

“What kind of question is that? You’re my best friend. Of course I trust you.” 

Your mischievous smile, although more devious than Neteyam liked, always had power to put his heart to ease… after all, it was you. You, his best friend, the girl who knew everything about him, that helped him withstand every challenge life threw at him, just a couple 11 year olds who had gone through more than most adults do, who have been forced to grow up a lot faster than any kid their own age should ever do. But Neteyam didn’t mind. Maybe he used to, back when he was young and naive. Back then, he cried a lot, each morning a dreaded reminder of the pain and ache that awaited him each day, all for a purpose he couldn’t quite understand yet, that made no sense in a child’s mind, that had no way of truly understanding the concept of a future littered with war and loss, a future where he would carry the burden of being the next leader of his clan, the eldest son of the mighty, revered Toruk Makto and Palulukan Makto, the grandson of brave, respected leaders, the next in line of a ruling dynasty filled with great people he had to follow and to live up to. 

Now, he no longer cried, because no matter how hard life got, he was never alone. Because, even though you didn’t have quite the same pressure on your shoulders, you carried your own burdens and a sadness deeper than Neteyam could ever imagine or could ever want to. In his mind, the sting from a few bloodied gashes and the headaches that tried him each night were a small inconvenience compared to the pain that you struggled with and braved every moment since your parents died. When his father told him that you would be joining him for training in the weeks after the accident, Neteyam didn’t know what to expect. But day after day, you managed to blow not only his expectations, but his entire family’s out of the water, each day just another opportunity for you to prove to everyone that your future would be as bright as all the stars in the night combined, that you were special and unique, that you were a talent that only comes once in a few lifetimes.

Now, years later, Neteyam still found it hard to believe how strong you were, how capable and skilled and fearless. Whereas he’s always been more withdrawn and temperate, your fire burned strong and untamed, and you always managed to get both of you in trouble - if he were to be honest with himself, though, he would never mind, not with you. 

“Good. Then let’s go.” 

You didn’t bother looking behind you as you started sprinting, your flowy top and tewng, always one-of-a-kind, undulating in the wind, making Neteyam’s heart flutter in his chest. You were so beautiful. The most beautiful. A purple flush rising in his cheeks was all that was needed for Neteyam to be grateful for the way you always ran ahead of him, too impatient to wait for a boy that liked to take his time and enjoy the moments few and in between in which life didn’t have to go too fast for his comfort. 

"Where are we going, Vi?"

"Shhh, more walking, less talking, 'Teyam. You need to learn to embrace the unknown." you chuckled as you stopped and waited for him to catch up, before taking him by the hand and pulling him until he stumbled softly onto you and you both fell, him on top of you, with a gasp that turned into loud giggles from your side and unflinching groans from his.

"Vi..."

"The mighty warriors have fallen, what will the clan do without us?"

He couldn't help his own exasperated chuckle and the roll of his eyes as he spoke.

"I don't think we're quite there yet."

You shrugged, sure of yourself as always, a trait Neteyam admired and tried to emulate, to little avail most days.

"Soon. Your dad's already talking about the Iknimaya. We're almost ready, Teyam. And if we do it soon, we'll be the youngest Na'vi to ever do it. You and me."

Before he could say anything, you reached for him until your lips made contact with his cheeks, and it didn't help his blush, that was now deep periwinkle and burning his skin from the inside out, like a fire that wanted to escape his body, too powerful to be contained inside it.

"And just like today, if you ever fall, I'll always be there to catch you. You and I, we're meant to fall and rise together."

Those words rang painfully in Neteyam's ears as his ikran dove at full speed towards the ground, as his open, stretched out hand was just outside of your reach, as he watched your body disappear through the trees, where it would inevitably crash, where it might be lost forever.

His heart, that was going as fast as his ikran was, watching your unconscious form collect deep, bleeding scars like Kiri collected pebbles in the woods with every hard branch your body made contact with, stopped racing in his chest as, by the grace of Eywa, your fall was broken by the plush, attenuating force of a torukspxam right before you hit the ground. Despite the fear, so deeply embedded in him, it was impossible to know if he would ever be able to fully detach himself from it again, a seed of hope bloomed in him that maybe he wasn't too late. That maybe, despite not being able to catch you, not now nor for the past 7 years in which he's left built up resentment prevent him from wanting to, maybe he wasn't too late.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!"

He didn't wait for Seze to land before he jumped and approached you, pushing with all his might against the drag of his own heavy body that felt like it was experiencing the world in slow motion, until one of his hands found the back of your neck, propping you up gently and his other hand placed two fingers on your pulse point, trying to feel for a heartbeat that would either calm his own or stop it altogether.

"Please, Txepvi. Please..."

When the small, barely-felt flutters registered in him, he let out a breath he didn't even realise he was holding and wasted no time in picking you up bridal-style and running back to his beautiful ikran. He had no time to dwell on the cracks deepening in his heart as he watched Seze bumping her snout on the side of Oare's lifeless face, sorrowful trills filling his ears, no time to dwell on the red liquid spilling out from multiple points in your body, dripping down his body and onto the ground, no time to stop yet another memory fighting to come to the forefront of his mind.

Fickle as you are That's exactly why I keep on running back 'Cause I'm brittle at the parts Where I wish I was strong

“I can walk, Teyam.” 

Neteyam decided to ignore you as he grabbed you by the back of your knees and carried you back to the village, the gash in your leg large enough to have hit a couple veins and stain your thigh red, but not deep enough to make it life-threatening - still, Neteyam wouldn’t take any chances. Taking chances… that was the reason for keeping you so close to him, your face buried in the crook of his neck… that was the only reason. 

“Can you, Vi? Isn’t that how this happened in the first place?” He chuckled, yelping a little when your fist made contact with his chest. 

“It was an accident, you know that.”

“Yeah, well, you have a lot of accidents. And so close to the Iknimaya, too…” the shake of his head was mostly a teasing one, and although he tried to push away the nagging fear eating away at him, the one that told him you might not be able to take it with him, the one that screamed he’d be all alone once more, like he was before you, the one that urged bad memories and ugly scenarios into his mind, the one whose ugly head appeared as though from around the corner, staring intently to see if he’ll allow it to approach or banish it from existence. He couldn't decide yet.

He couldn’t do this without you. He needed you to be his first flight. Like you told him last year, and like it’s been solidified in his soul every day since, you and him were meant to rise and fall together. You were meant to fly together, to soar together. And that couldn’t happen if a tiny accident delayed your progress. 

“Aw, it’s sweet you’re worried, although I think it’s mostly selfish and you’re just too scared to do the Iknimaya by yourself.”

The tinge in his cheeks is enough validation for you to start laughing at him, your head thrown so far back, he had to readjust his grip on you, so that you wouldn’t fall out of his arms. 

“I knew it! You scaredy-cat. Why would you be scared, Teyam? Out of everyone here, everyone who’s gonna do this next, out of all of us, you are the best. You’ve always been the best.” 

“No. You’re the best." As much wasn't up for discussion to him, and never will be. "And you promised.” 

Your smile softened taking him in, the little pout he tried his best to conceal, the little scrunch of his nose, the way his ears twitched in slight annoyance and slight embarrassment… he couldn’t tell for sure, but he thought you found it… endearing? 

“I know what I promised. And I intend to keep my promise. You don’t have to worry, Teyam. You and I have always been two sides of the same coin. And as long as you want me by your side, nothing could ever pry me away.” 

"Just hang on, please. Shit. Please don't die. Please don't die."

And maybe when you need my help I like myself when it's over But later in the light, you go Dark and rogue, and I need closure

“Ma ‘ite, you have to be more careful.” The quiet, teasing admonishments of his grandmother do little do deter you, although you keep your eyes on the ground, slight embarrassment visible in the swish of your tail and the flatness of your ears.

“Srane, ma Tsa’hik. Ngaytxoa.”

The thick cream paste made its way from Mo’at’s fingers to your thigh, where it was spread in a hefty layer until the cut was no longer visible. You winced as it made contact with your skin, but said nothing as you accepted the help, and Neteyam saw his grandmother nod in approval at your bravery and inclination to suffer in silence, to not let anyone know you’re in pain at any point. Strong heart. Him, on the other hand, wished you were a bit more forthcoming, wished you didn’t feel the need to go through suffering alone. With a pat on your head and a soft smile, the Tsa’hik raised from her spot on the floor and turned her back on you both.

“You’re all done. It’s just a scratch, this time. I feel like I always have to have extra healing salve at the ready just for you. Now go, and be careful. Your Iknimaya is soon and my grandson would never forgive you if you missed it.” 

“Neteyam, quick, put her on the mat. I need all the help I can get, now! Go get all the healers in training, we don’t have a lot of time.” The barking of orders did little to ease Neteyam’s fear, as he very rarely has ever seen his grandmother this agitated. After sending away the trainees, she turned to her grandson and took a deep breath, to calm herself. As serious her voice was, as rushed and violent the atmosphere around them, she still found the second to put her hand on her grandson’s chest, feeling the erratic, loud, trepidous heartbeat that refused to settle in him. 

“Ma ‘itan, she’s very weak. I know you haven’t been close in a long time, but she is your intended mate. I need you to prepare yourself for the worst. Now go back to the battle.” 

“No. I’m staying here.”

Neteyam didn’t get scared often. A whole lifetime of being raised like a soldier made his skin as thick as an 'angtsìk’s, and little ever managed to get under it. You did. You had unmatched prowess to make him feel so many things, too many things, all too intense, all too powerful, all too overbearing. When he was young, all of them were good and pure, all exciting and hopeful - love. It was love. Now, he feels anger and resentment, vengeful spite and deep arousal, all of which poison his mind and make him a version of himself he hates. Hate. That’s it. It’s all hate, isn’t it? So if it is… why are his limbs trembling and eyes watering, why is his mind jumbled with all these memories, why has the blood coursing through his veins been irreparably polluted with so much deep, earth-shattering terror and grief at the thought of losing you? Why was there a crater in his chest where his heart usually resided when he imagined his life without you in it?

Maybe it's because, for better or for worse, you were a constant in his life. From the second your presence made its way to him, you never left. There hasn't been a day that he hasn't seen you, that he hasn't been in your vicinity, not a day in which you haven't trained together, side by side, friends before, enemies after, but always together. Your words, that he drowned for years, came back like an undying echo ringing in his ears.

"You and I, we're meant to fall and rise together..."

I don't need a reason to keep on dreamin' That we don't lose, yeah, what's the use?

More and more, it felt like you had been right all along. He didn't think about it for so long, so desperate in his attempts to hurt you like you had hurt him, to sour your life like how you soiled his most precious memories, all of you and him, all of a childhood long left behind, all of fantasies he's harboured at the time that long dissipated from the version of future he used to dream about. Nothing about his life now was how he once envisioned, and that was because of you. He would never forgive you, but he couldn't let you go, either. No matter how the visions differed from his current reality, he couldn't shake you, couldn't let you go. Because despite it all, he couldn't part with the girl that used to be his partner in crime, his training buddy, his best friend, his first flight.

"Are you ready?"

Neteyam watched in awe as you confidently nodded at his father, smiling as if the hardest challenge an Omaticaya Na'vi would ever undertake, one that most people did when they were much, much older, was nothing to you, like it was just another yarik hunt that you've done a thousand times before. You turned to him and the smile you gave him dazzled him, left him breathless, not a good thing for the trek he was about to undertake, but still, not something he would could ever find it in himself to be upset about. You turned your attention momentarily to the bowl of paint in your hands before you brought a finger to his face, completing the pattern that was the same as the one you were adorning, one that he painted on you.

You both took turns saying goodbye to everyone, paying special attention to the little bundle in Neytiri's arms. Neteyam couldn't believe this was his little sister, and couldn't believe how attentive you were with her, how careful and loving. Some of his personality must be rubbing off on you, because to the Sully family's surprise, you didn't drop Tuk once in the year she's been born. In fact, you haven’t dropped anything in the last couple of months, including yourself from high places, which used to be one of your favourite past times, and Neteyam couldn't help blush at the thought that he was the reason you were being a little more careful.

As expected, the climb was the hardest thing Neteyam ever put his body through, and he felt suddenly grateful for all the years of torturous training that now felt like a peaceful breeze of the wind in an otherwise unyielding hurricane. Still, seeing you in front of him, not once complaining, not in front of the multiple 15 to 19 year olds that were also taking their rite of passage today, not in front of your Olo'eyktan, made him push through, too. If you could do it, so could he. Because you would do it, so would he.

The rookery was hidden behind a waterfall, and Neteyam watched as one by one, the few Na'vi joining you both either failed or succeeded, and with each attempt, his fear grew stronger, his mind more restless. Eventually, it was his turn, and with a deep breath, he started walking towards the slippery ledge that would lead him to his fate. A hand on his chest not only stopped him in his tracks, but also stopped his heart momentarily, just momentarily, because before he knew it, it started booming again with enough intensity to dizzy him.

"Ma tsantu... you got this. Remember, you and I, we're meant t-"

"-to fall and rise together, I know." you smile, your fingers smoothing the deep frown that gave Neteyam a headache without even realising and he sighed, trying to calm his mind and soul, focusing on you and only you.

"Exactly. So you can't fall, because if you do, I'll have to follow you... and I don't intend to fall yet, Teyam. Not yet."

"How did this happen?"

"Oare... got shot. She's dead. She... fell. I couldn't catch her." I couldn't catch her...

Neteyam couldn't bear to look at the way his grandmother was ripping you apart, although he knew it was all with the purpose of putting you back together again. Her trainees, all girls he knew, some girls he knew more intimately than others, all flocked around you, with wet cloths and trays of balms and powders, of plants and tinctures, and it all hurt, the guilt of knowing to some extent, to a large extent, this was all his fault. This ongoing war between you, never-ending and harrowing, reached a nadir that resulted in the death of your ikran, in your accident, and indirectly, because of your removal and his from the battlefield, might result in the deaths of good na'vi men and women, all of whom had families and a life, and a future they would be robbed of.

Neteyam couldn't leave you and go back. If he did, he knew that much like you, he wouldn't be able to focus enough to matter, and the thought of his mother, of his father, losing one more loved one was too much to bear. Neteyam couldn't leave you, but he couldn't stay here either. It hurt, being here, watching flashes of the girl he hates intertwined with the girl he loved more than anything else in the world, it hurt, having to deal with feelings he buried deep down and memories that came to him like summer rain, uninterrupted and warm, but powerful enough to flood and leave damage their wake.

With one last look at your unconscious form, Neteyam left the village on the back of his Ikran, knowing there was one thing he needed to do, he had to do. His mind was overcome with agonising sorrow as Seze's mourning was felt through his entire being, and the full weight of what transpired came crashing down on him like a tidal wave he could do little to stop, but had to power through, hoping that by the end there was something left of his heart to go on. Oare, much like Seze, has been in his life every day for the last 7 years, and he loved her. She was playful and sweet, and she always played with him when he snuck out at night to give her pets and treats, refusing to let your declining relationship affect their bond. Oare was Seze's best friend, her companion and life partner, and Neteyam knew her death would affect his ikran for a long time, perhaps forever.

With a squeal that matched the banshee, Neteyam watched from the air, on the back of his new mount, his new friend, his new spirit sister, as you made Tsaheylu, and his heart, that has been barely beating in anxious fear, felt finally awake again.

"Ftang! Tam tam, tsìltsan 'eve." your smile was wide and relieved as your eyes searched the sky until they found his, and he swore he never knew it was possible to love someone so much, to feel so connected to a soul, so much so it felt like he could hear you, your heartbeat and your mind, like tsaheylu would have been redundant because he knew. He just knew.

"I did it, Teyam!"

"Yes, you did, Vi! Come, first flight seals the bond."

That day was Neteyam's happiest day. That memory is still something that he cherishes deeply, that he'll never be able to shake, that haunts him at night, that shakes his resolve whenever he's thinking of a new way to make you pay. That memory is still untarnished in his mind, and it will always remain so, especially today, as he's fastening Oare's lifeless form onto Seze, petting her one last time, allowing the tears he's been stubbornly pushing back this entire day to finally fall from his cheeks onto her face, almost like she was the one crying, one last time.

"I'm sorry, girl. I'm so sorry."

"I'm sorry that I beat you... again. You're gonna have to do much better than this to beat me, Teyam."

The floating rock you landed on, hours after you finished your Iknimaya, was alit with biofluorescence, the colours reflecting in your eyes and on your shiny skin, covered in a light layer of sweat from the flight.

"Give me a break, Vi. It's my first time doing this."

"Yeah, cause I've been doing it for ages." you say, chuckling and rolling your eyes. You prop your body on your elbows and point to the two banshees playing in the air with each other, a mass of ravelling green and purple, so beautiful, and so, so free.

"I can't take all the credit. She did most of the work. I love her already, Teyam. Do you have a name in mind for yours?"

Neteyam didn't have to think about it too much. Ever since he's first found out about the Iknimaya, a story told to him by his mother consolidated a name in his memory that he's never been able to forget.

"Seze. Like my mother's ikran that bravely gave her life in the war against the Sky People."

"That's pretty. And fitting. She's a beautiful flower."

"What about you?"

"Oare."

"Why?"

"I used to look at the moons every night and think I'm so far away from this, from my destiny, from who I've always known I was meant to be, the Iknimaya might as well have been the moon - unreachable, untouchable, a world away. And now, I'm here, with you, way past curfew, and we're gonna get in so much trouble and I couldn't care less because I did it, I reached the moon. And I did it with the only person I ever wanted to. So.. Oare."

"Thank you, Teyam. I learnt a lot from you in these years. Ever since I met you, I knew you were special. And I think, even without realising, I wanted to be more like you. I've looked up to you for so long, I don't even remember my life before the Sullys took me in. If I'm here today, it's because of you. You helped me become more temperate and understand the weight of my talent and my power, and that I have a responsibility to the clan, that this is bigger than me, and my life."

Neteyam was taken aback at your words. You were never this forthcoming with your feelings normally, but he couldn't say he wasn't happy about it. He was so happy.

"I love you, Vi. I may have made you more responsible, but you made me better. Braver. More creative, more inventive. I almost couldn't finish the Iknimaya today, and then one of your crazy ideas popped in my head, and it worked. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't have done this without you, without your influence in my life. Thank you."

You smiled softly, and put your head on his chest, just watching the dance of the banshees, and he prayed that this moment would never end.

"I guess we really are meant to be together then, huh?"

"Yeah. I guess we are."

Neteyam placed Oare in the village, where the elders and Tsa'hik would be able to perform Eywa's funeral rituals, before making his way back to the tent. He couldn't help the gasp that escaped him as he was met with your drowsy, blood-shot eyes, so much sadness in them, it broke him. They were so different then the ones that have haunted Neteyam's mind today, so devoid of the innocence and love he remembered, so filled with anger and spite and hurt, so much like his own, such a bitter reminder that the past was only that, the past, and there was nothing left of you, or of him, of the love you shared and the future he envisioned. With one last memory, Neteyam felt the walls surrounding his heart, thick and unflinching, growing harder with every year since the Iknimaya, fortify yet again, as one last memory emerged uninvited and reminded him of why, despite your history, Neteyam would never look at you the same way again.

And I know whatever this is ain't love So I'm goin' I'm gonna let you go, let you go

"I'm going to go back to my tent. I had too much of a good day to spoil it by Jake yelling at me for 2 hours straight. I'd rather save the pleasure for tomorrow."

"That's so unfair, why do I have to suffer by myself?"

A shrug was all the answer you felt was necessary to give him, and he felt his heart drop at the notion of going to his family's tent so late, so far past curfew, without your much more argumentative presence, that his father could never resist. He walked cautiously, silently, praying that his family would be asleep so he could just sneak in and postpone the yelling until tomorrow. To his surprise, he heard whispered voices coming from right outside the tent, whispers he quickly recognised as his father and grandmother's.

"... that it should be her. She should be the next Olo'eykte. That she is the most deserving of it, has been since she was young. It took a long time to see it for myself, but... I don't know. Maybe he.."

...Olo'eykte? You? Neteyam couldn't believe his ears. He couldn't believe how quickly his father was willing to replace him, how quickly he considered you better and more worthy of the title than his own son, than the rightful heir. You were both 12, for Eywa's sake. How could a decision be made so early? Neteyam felt tears gather in his eyes, the betrayal's sting more painful than a kali'weya's, and yet, still, a part of him knew this already. A part of him couldn't find it in him to be upset, because you were better. And you deserved to lead, you deserved to fulfil your destiny, that was made for greatness, made for the songs and the ballads, made for history.

"It's Neteyam's birthright, Jakesulli. It wouldn't be right, no matter how worthy the girl is. What about a mateship? They have been inseparable for years anyhow."

"Ah, she would never want to be Tsa'hik. And she wouldn't be good at it anyway. Besides..." the silence felt like it dragged on forever, and he clung on to it, afraid of what was waiting for him at the end of it.

"I mentioned it to her. She said she... doesn't want to mate with Neteyam. That she couldn't ever love him the way a mate would. She was... very adamant about it."

As Neteyam looked into your eyes, those words forever embedded in his psyche, playing in his ears like a cacophony of sounds that rattled him every time he saw you, even so many years later, solidified in him by all the times you continued to hurt him, continued flaunting your relationships and skills to him, your connection and closeness to his own family, that sometimes he felt like he didn't belong in anymore, like he was the adoptive one... he was reminded that every time, it hurt, every day, it broke him further, and those eyes that were once his guidepost and the reason he got up in the morning, were now empty and bleak, and enough to make anger bubble in his soul once more, until it drowned everything else, until it was all that was left.

I don't need a reason to keep on dreamin' That we don't lose, yeah what's the use? I don't need a reason to keep on dreamin' That I can win this stupid thing called love

taglist: @fanboyluvr @theycallmesia @afro-hispwriter @soleilmoon @crazy4books1 @bakugouswaif@randxmthxughts @xreadersstuff @sirezaya @kimberlyshailany-blog @gyuventure @jujudsmyst @kikookii @nxptury @nonniesworld @koing-slvt @bakugouswaif @isnt-itstrange @tpwkforevermore @alahamums @tallulah477 @gknj9495@aquamarine001 @itssomeonereading @yumimak@sweetbread-m@eqgroil @im-in-a-pansexual-panik @juneonhoth @yagirlheree @jackiehollanderr @legendarynoodlebowl @iameatingmyhair @justasimps-blog@hannabanana-09 @xylianasblog @misscaller06 @yeosxxx @myh3artttt @teyamsbitch @musicownsme @i-live-in-a-fantasy-daydream @zoetrope1997 @itsmy-alteregohere @ntymavtr @curlszx88 @maki-z @riatesullironalite @baahsaama @luna-salem @teyamtesuli @koing-slvt

[vizthedatum]

Hey I sent you the ask yesterday but I absolutely don’t mind you just posting it normally on here! Sorry if this is really long <3

my whole life I have felt like I couldn’t cope with things or do things in the way that ‘most’ people do & I am grateful that I have the things I’m really good at or enjoy but I still have times when I just can’t keep to the same schedules or cope with certain situations like others and finding out this is directly because of autism is a relief honestly 😭 I know a lot of people don’t like the church or Christianity and for real, I understand why especially when I think of things for me lately but I guess you could say I found my own beliefs on my own and I want everyone to be included in everything and be loved, happy and supported & I found this church that seemed to go outside the box and want to help and include everyone (also I felt like I belonged somewhere) but the more I realised they were almost pressuring me into doing stuff that I didn’t want to do but would almost get weird or angry w me if I couldn’t make it or didn’t want to. I have been really sick the last few months and couldn’t make it to literally anything or barely get out of bed some days and literally none of them reached out to me or would talk to me like I should make an effort even though I was so sick, sad and alone and the one day I actually felt good enough to attend, I signed up to help on the team and they deadass took me off and told me I’m ‘unreliable’ and can’t not be there for weeks and expect to just walk back in and be part of team after that. I was so hurt I felt like crying. I have tried to open up to people about things in the past there too and honestly most of the time I get a reaction like I’m to blame and like if I ask for help I get this weird reaction like ‘WeLL SHiT DuDE maybe you should just do this and not ask us?!!!!!’ And it takes me by shock every time :( but yeah I’m so sorry for the rant but it makes me feel like I’m such a burden for struggling w stuff and now I don’t want to even bother offering up my time to help them especially speaking on autism bc they treat me like I should still be able to cope with things idk it’s just hard and it makes me wanna have a breakdown sometimes 😅

Hey I sent you the ask yesterday but I absolutely don’t mind you just posting it normally on here! Sorry if this is really long <3

Hi!! I wanted to take my time with my response to be able to respond appropriately and to show myself care as well (I've had a rough week). I will respond in line to your message.

I don't mind long messages! I send long messages too haha <3

my whole life I have felt like I couldn’t cope with things or do things in the way that ‘most’ people do & I am grateful that I have the things I’m really good at or enjoy but I still have times when I just can’t keep to the same schedules or cope with certain situations like others

I think we often get bogged down with "how we should be" instead of checking in with ourselves with how we actually are.

Similarly, I have felt like I couldn't cope with a lot… and would kinda just struggle through it or force myself through it (burning myself out in the process). It wasn't until I got more support in adulthood from my therapist (and I've cycled through a couple!), psychiatrist (I am thankful I found a good one - I've been seeing her for the past 3 years or so), medical team (I have chronic health issues but assembling a good group of docs has been a challenge), my community (asking and receiving help is really important, I'm finding out), my NEURODIVERGENT community (it's been immensely helpful/validating to be vulnerable and to LISTEN to other people who have a wide range of neurotypes to observe how they do things or what they enjoy), spirituality practice (which is something I've been in and out of my whole life (was very atheist for a long time) but now I'm reclaiming this on my own terms), etc.

I'm glad that you have things you're really good at and also things you enjoy!!!

I think many schedules or even constructs of how to be human… can be really restricting because they're often not customized to your needs and abilities.

However, figuring out what your needs and abilities are (especially since they're dynamic) is NOT TRIVIAL.

and finding out this is directly because of autism is a relief honestly 😭 I know a lot of people don’t like the church or Christianity and for real, I understand why especially when I think of things for me lately but I guess you could say I found my own beliefs on my own and I want everyone to be included in everything and be loved, happy and supported & I found this church that seemed to go outside the box and want to help and include everyone (also I felt like I belonged somewhere) but the more I realised they were almost pressuring me into doing stuff that I didn’t want to do but would almost get weird or angry w me if I couldn’t make it or didn’t want to.

I'm happy you found a group and a set of beliefs that help you lead your life. Interpersonal relations within a community can be hard, especially if they do not understand or empathize with your needs.

I have often felt pressured by previous friends and family members into doing stuff… and then guilted/shamed about it if I couldn't do it or didn't want to. I think it is important to stand up for yourself and advocate for yourself in ANY SETTING… even if it disappoints others. Even if you're in the wrong. At least you're speaking up. (But I get that that's really draining, too... and sometimes not possible. I have often been non-verbal or didn't even know how to express what I was feeling)

I used to not stand up for myself because I assumed (or had a very unfair assumption) that people should just know! But people didn't know how to interact with me. And I think this is maybe autism because I felt like I was supposed to "know" unsaid rules of society for other people. I spent so much emotional energy trying to "intuit" what other people wanted… and didn't even realize how drained I was getting, how much I was masking who I was, or even who I was.

If things you can't or won't do disappoint a person or a group of people, then that could be a starting point for y'all (or even that person) to figure out why that's bothering them. A discussion needs to be had and reflections need to be made. If there is consistent harm or abuse that's being done (which I'm not saying there is, in this case, necessarily), then you may need to set some boundaries.

I have been really sick the last few months and couldn’t make it to literally anything or barely get out of bed some days and literally none of them reached out to me or would talk to me like I should make an effort even though I was so sick, sad and alone

I'm so sorry to hear that. I know what that's like. Long-term illness or chronic illness can be so isolating. And some people don't even know what to do to support.

Have you told your friends or community ways you'd like them to reach out to you when you're sick/sad/alone? It may help to say "Could you message/call me if you haven't heard from me this week?"

and the one day I actually felt good enough to attend, I signed up to help on the team and they deadass took me off and told me I’m ‘unreliable’ and can’t not be there for weeks and expect to just walk back in and be part of team after that. I was so hurt I felt like crying. I have tried to open up to people about things in the past there too and honestly most of the time I get a reaction like I’m to blame and like if I ask for help I get this weird reaction like ‘WeLL SHiT DuDE maybe you should just do this and not ask us?!!!!!’

Yeah that's highly inappropriate and ableist TO BE QUITE HONEST.

I feel like that's why we have to advocate and push back a little. Not a lot of people know enough about neurodivergence or disability needs. Or even human needs. I hate that the onus of that education and advocacy falls on us (the ones who need the help or support!)… :(

And it takes me by shock every time :( but yeah I’m so sorry for the rant but it makes me feel like I’m such a burden for struggling w stuff and now I don’t want to even bother offering up my time to help them especially speaking on autism bc they treat me like I should still be able to cope with things idk it’s just hard and it makes me wanna have a breakdown sometimes

I want to validate your shock and disappointment and hurt. That is a valid response to what you've been through.

You can rant and vent!! I do it on my blog and to my friends/partners a lot - but I'm trying to also be mindful of how much bandwidth they have for it too (my friends/partners are not my therapist or anything - and that's such an important line). Emotional expression is a really good way to help us regulate, in my opinion.

And your autism and neurodivergence is valid too. The way they can cope with "Thing X" is JUST AS VALID as you not being able to cope with "Thing X." I understand that a lot of people don't get that.

Final thoughts: Feel free to vent either to me or trusted friends/supports. I may not always be able to respond in a timely manner, but I'll try to let you know.

You shouldn't have to repeatedly assert your boundaries and needs in environments where you're supposed to have human connection and bond. That's not fair to you.

[mosviqu]

lmao yeahhh at least the self awareness is there it's something iguess😭

i just hope i will grow to like them one day cuz i dont want to let go of the 03liners💔 their choreography and fits were great but i just hope they will get better songs next time or sumn (sorry if there are any boynextdoor fans who are reading this) DUDE SAME I WAS SO HAPPY ABOUT HIM!!!! (jiung is amazingggg) AHHH IM SO EXCITED AS WELL this is probably going to be my fav ep from them judging by the previews or whatever they are called🤭 IM GLAD SUNOO IS APART OF OUR CREW😌JUST A GREAT ADDITION REALLY!! (ooo at least the number of 03liners that i know about is growing xd)

THEY SHOULD JUST HIRE U THEN ACTUALLY LMAO U WOULD BE THE BEST PROTECTOR!!! and now i know that i definitely do not want u to get mad at me🥸

so true but i think writing might be like that as well because before i sent u that ask i literally just didn't really write in english at all😟 IM GLAD U UNDERSTAND ME🥳 ohh god i'm sorry but that's kind of a funny story ur poor roommate😭 I HOPE U GUYS STILL HAVE THEM JUST TO WATCH THEM BACK AND LAUGH (or cringe)

the tiktok algorithm just knows how to get people hooked onto something:o AND YESSS HE IS SO ADORABLE!! i only know them as well in addition with yujin(youngest) and gyuvin(my beloved) but the poor three left just feels like i will never get them😭😭 2hours is just too long of a time istg

IM GLAD U LIKED SOME BUT I THINK I DID VERY BAD WITH THE RECOMMENDATIONS LMAO

(ajhdhdjfj dude when i read ur authors note i also almost cried i started reading it on my bus ride home so i think people thought i was crazy or sumn lmao) and also i can't remember wether i have replied to ur last reply on ur main or did i only reply to it in my head so if u would let me know i would appreciate it.-. (liebestraum anon💕💕)

no bc its so unfortunate i truly hope the next comeback is better 😭😭😭 im sorry boynextdoor fans it just wasnt for me sadly 😔 if the music is good we are more than happy to recruit new 03 line besties to the squad tho!!

THE CB LOOKS SO GOOD i keep hearing the song on tiktok and each time i think its out already and i go check it out and its not. this could be very well prevented if i just checked the cb date but im honestly too lazy so ill just wait for it to appear in my spotify notifs or something 😭😭

I AM THE BEST PROTECTOR its the aries rage and loyality ❤ also being the only daughter of the family helps SSHSJ. also dont worry i usually dont get violently mad at my friends i usually just turn petty on them so. no fights here dw dw AHAHA

no bc if i didnt have tumblr i just wouldnt use english much either LMAO also i feel like that every time i write a fic after a long time i feel like i turn rusty and i just cant get anything out of me 😭😭 takes me a few mins to adapt truly. also i would say poor my roommate but honestly she didnt know what major to pick so she copied me so thats on her 🤷‍♀️ (jk im glad we stuck together ive known her for 4 years now and if it wasnt for her i would be handling uni much worse than i am). ALSO WE DO HAVE MOST OF THEM but some got deleted 😔💔

LITERALLY the tiktok algorithm is my bestie but also my biggest enemy (have i mentioned that i got into wilbur through tiktok. :,)) but yes hanbin is the new love of my life thankyou. i am so excited for their debut TT lets hope i learn their names quickly AHAHA

YOU DIDNT DO BADLY W THE RECOMMENDATIONS I JUST NEED TO BE IN A SPECIFIC MOOD FOR NEW SONGS I GUESS 😭😭 i'll update u on all my next progress w the tbz listening party <3

:(((( crying is strictly prohibited with matters thay include me. /j ((also if u mean on rrxnjun,, i replied to your ask after u sent this one ?? Im not really sure ??? but as of now i have no more asks from u!)

[tomdutch]

I’m in a 4 year relationship and I just wanna say it’s normal to all of those people who feel a lil sad rn. When you like a celebrity and follow their life OF COURSE it may hurt when you see them romantically linked to someone - especially someone who they’ve had dating tumours with and have denied for a long time. It’s okay to recognise your sadness.

For me, I have OCD. My mum died on Monday from cancer but since her diagnosis I’ve had my own little happy world where Tom’s with me that I escape to to cope. I take it really hard when something like this shatters my happy little world in my head, especially because that’s where I go to escape reality.

To me, it does all seem a little odd. Yes, they could finally be giving themselves a go and couldn’t be bothered to hide it but the faces they pulled in that one pic? Or the video where they kiss and then pull away and then it just feels a bit…weird? Staged? Idk, it could just be me trying to make myself feel better but if it is a stunt then I feel so bad for them. If it’s real then I’m trying to be happy for them obviously…Tom is linked romantically with one girl a year lately so I’m trying to make this easier for myself.

first of all, i am so, so, so terribly sorry abt your mother passing away. i cannot imagine how that must feel and i’m so sorry you have to go through that.

second of all, i also have ocd and it’s really tough for me to not obsess abt things that upset me. it’s taken a lot of my energy to step away and not let myself spiral. escapism is healthy to a degree, and in this post-capitalist hellscape we live in, people with mental illness issues indulge to get some happiness. it’s a way to cope and i would never judge anyone for this, so long as they are not endangering themselves and real life people. i’m sorry this has happened while you’ve been dealing with a tremendous loss and now you feel like you can’t properly find comfort.

regardless of how you might be feeling abt yourself, i want you to know that i’m proud of you and that i am wishing you the absolute best. you can always message me off anon for whatever you need. ocd is such a stigmatized illness and i know from experience the judgement people hold against us. i wish you all the best and i truly hope things get easier for you soon. again, feel free to send me an ask whenever abt anything you want <3

[gemsiiie]

cool clouds driving back from vidcon :D

gonna rant about my experience with my first day at vidcon and my first con ever under the cut now!!!

SO! it was actually so much fun!

- i was actually shaking while meeting phil, it was insane, i actually had the courage to ask to hug him and in the photo you can just see my pure JOY (i didnt post it lmao, just imagine it 💀)

- i also actually got to tell phil that his content got me through quarantine and how much i love it, so that’s a WIN FOR THE GEMSIIIE COMMUNITY!!

- and i got kristin’s signature!!! literally amazing ahhhhh

- also philza is so nice like i only talked to him for about 3 seconds but he’s amazing

- btw in line i tried to compliment every person i could who was in cosplay but i was SO NERVOUS 😭😭😭 so if you saw the awkward looking guy with a yellow flower button up looking at you in cosplay just know that i was trying to telepathically tell you how much i loved your outfit

- OK moving on from the meet n greet, the dsmp panel was so epic, it was genuinely amazing to see all those people who were just like me and enjoyed these silly minecraft peoples content

- it honestly made me emotional at some points, these are the people who got me through the last 2 years, and now i get to be around all of them

- ALSO NO TROLL QUESTIONS!!! BIG WIN!!! i was so nervous that someone was just gonna say something stupid and the ccs were gonna get upset

- but no!! it was all good! and very informative actually. besides the slight death threats from tommy to someone mentioning jump in the cadillac and wilbur absolutely DECIMATING the ghostbur fans.

- also like SORTA unfair that the majority of people being picked were cosplayers 😐 /j

- just a side note: why was everyone there so hot. am i just pansexual or was every mcyt fan actually so attractive. ESPECIALLY COOL COSPLAYERS YOU GUYS ARE SO COOL AND HOT AND I LOVE YOU ❤️❤️❤️

- i also had to drag my friend along and i feel so bad she was just playing word search on her phone the whole time 😭😭 but we went to a panel she liked after so it’s fine

- ok everything else now

- tubnet merch tubnet merch tubnet merch

- so happy i got tubnet merch god bless

- also tubbos dad was running one of the stand there????? that was weird but awesome- go dad ig

- OMG YEAH I MET PURPLED AND TOOK A PHOTO WITH HIM??? that was insane- i felt so bad too like he was about to go into an elevator and i was just like “EXCUSEMECOULDIQUICKLYGETAPHOTOIMSOSORRY-” and he did and i’m so happy

- also like idk how but youtubers/streamers always have like the perfect photo face, yknow? like it was such a quick photo but he was so photogenic??? like???? cool quirk that comes with streaming ig-

- i got a hat, two lanyards (i have two pass things), stickers, and a pin!! gonna put some on my laptop i think

- i also visited the discord stand thing (i forgot what they’re called shut up-) and got a shit ton of stickers and two pins :)

the whole experience was so fun though, i loved everything, thank you to everyone there for making it an awesome time, you are THE best <3

[ajokeformur-ray]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY @crazygalore!!!!!!!!!!😍😍😍😍🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🥺🥺🥺🥺🌸🌸🌸🌸🥰🥰🥰💞💞💞💞😭😭😭💗💗💗💗💖💖💖💖 HONEY, YOU’VE BEEN WITH ME FOR YEARS. YOU’VE SEEN THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN HASDFGHJKL WE’VE SEEN EACH OTHER THROUGH IT™. OMG DARLING I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I HOPE YOU’RE HAVING A LOVELY DAY TODAY!!!🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

(Yes, that’s my handwriting.🥺💗)

Let me in your room, I’ve seen the rest of you.

Ok so for the Jasper thingy can I just request something like I am his gf and we spend time in his room? Like .. just fluff and talking and maybe some steamy-steamy? And ne doubting myself cause I don't know why he'd love me because legit my insecurities are a bitch? Can he call me "ma'am" and "darlin' "😭 Fuck I have so many feels.

TW; sensual/NSFW (it crosses the line from one to the other in this piece), emotional angst (relative to you, my love), comfort, fluff.

Word count: 1, 304.

It’s your birthday today, and all you want to do is to be made to feel beautiful. 

You care little for material gifts, valuing emotional connections and moments which last beyond the every day. Moments which keep you company long after the lights have been turned out, long after the day’s responsibilities have slipped away, and long after you have finally, finally, allowed yourself some rest. These moments seep into your subconscious and keep you warm just as surely as the blankets around your body, shielding you from the world and its many cruelties. You are, unfortunately, no stranger to cruelty, and it breaks your own heart just as surely as it breaks Jasper’s, even over a century after it stopped beating. He his no stranger to harshness or vicious treatment, either, but he could mind and tolerate his own. Yours, he absolutely can not and will not abide.

So for today, your birthday, one blessed event which completely changed the course of Jasper’s eternity a few decades ago, he aims to give you everything he thinks you deserve. That isn’t to say that Jasper doesn’t ordinarily love on you, because he does, so much so that you sometimes don’t know how to take what he is saying because it is so foreign a feeling to you, being so loved... and that only makes him more determined in his task. But for your birthday, an anniversary not only of your continuing existence but also of his changed life, how can Jasper resist the temptation to pull out all the stops?

The best way to resist temptation, after all, is to give into it.

Night after night, day after day, Jasper feels you. He is the only person whom you can trust when he tells you that he can feel your pain; all others made it seem to you like it is simply an empty platitude, but Jasper can literally feel your pain. He means it when he says that he can empathise with you, and when you want to feel something different or when you don’t want to feel anything at all, Jasper is there for you. He has always been there for you, and that wouldn’t ever be any different; he has so much life experience and if Jasper can’t help you in any other way than changing your emotions, then he has a wealth of life experience at his marble fingertips with the other members of the Cullen clan.

Jasper never lets you go to bed without knowing that you are loved.

The plan for today is a fairly simple yet meaningful one, which is ideal for you and for Jasper, too, so emotionally intertwined are the two of you. It is simply to spend time together alone in his room, with the other Cullens out of the house; either doing their high school student facades or working at the hospital or hunting. Even Esme, the home-maker, had left the house to go shopping for food and other such things; the Cullens would always take care of their human (you). 

You only want to be made to feel beautiful (not a hard job, Jasper thinks, which has Edward smiling for his adopted brother), and during an already horrible day full of abusive parents, a shitty job and insecurities, this would have been on the cards even if it wasn’t your birthday. Jasper can feel your pain, and his golden brows are deeply furrowed in concern as your emotions come off you in waves. Even without Jasper’s ability, he would have been able to pick up on your distress, so obvious is it. It only makes Jasper’s still heart ache, and he absently rubs his chest as he opens his bedroom door, allowing you in with a, “ladies first, ma’am,” his teeth glinting in the bright artificial light of the hallway.

You have been in Jasper’s room almost every night, but this night is his room dotted on almost every available surface with scented candles which are spicy in scent. They mirror Jasper’s own scent, carefully selected by Alice and Esme were they just yesterday in preparation for your birthday. The Cullens so rarely get to celebrate a birthday, with Bella, their newest family member, no longer being human. She hasn’t had a heartbeat for almost a decade, so quickly does time fly. “Thank you,” You’re so tired and you’re just wanting to be held, so you let yourself flump down on Jasper’s bed, shifting around until you’re flat on your back in the middle of the bed, the white canopy above Jasper’s bed acting as a veil between the two of you and the rest of the room, the rest of the world. 

A deep, raspy chuckle sounds from somewhere to your right and your eyes fall closed to enjoy the sound. Unseen by you but felt as the mattress dips does the vampire crawl up from the foot of the bed, coming to loom over you. His sharp fangs glint predatorily in the bright light, his golden hair like a halo which frames his face. Anxiety, fear, and sadness are overwhelmed by love for Jasper and your hands move into his hair, your nails scritching slowly, reverently, at his scalp. Jasper hums in appreciation, his golden eyes sliding closed, and he ducks his head to rest his cool face into the much warmer crook of your neck, his hands sliding underneath your back to pull you up into his body. 

“I don’t know what I would have become without you, darlin’,” His voice is but a whisper, his arms a cool cage... the safest one you’ve ever known. His cage is one which doesn’t trap you, no. It protects you and you hold the key to your freedom even with the door wide open. You can leave at any time with no questions asked, but you love Jasper so much that you would never consider anything else... anyone else, and for that is Jasper eternally grateful. You return his unspoken but very much felt emotions wholeheartedly, and for that do the two of you somehow only love each other more.

Once more does Jasper pick up on your love and his hold only tightens on you even as his lips, hard as a stone but so gentle with you is he, find purchase upon your skin. Kiss after kiss after kiss is feathered upon your weathered skin, and you arch into Jasper’s body, his hands moving from your back and traversing your body like the well loved and well-mapped terrain that it is. 

“I love you, Jazz. So much.” His name falls from your lips like a prayer, your body underneath his as you mutually worship one another at your separate but very much together altars, your bodies aligned at every plane. His body crushes against yours and yet does it, does Jasper, shield you from the world and all that would do you harm. 

“I love you too, darlin’. I know you doubt it sometimes, but I wouldn’t be who or where I am today without ya’. There could never be anyone like you. You make me feel like my heart still has a beat in it.” You make me feel alive, is what Jasper means. 

You hear him all the same, no matter what language he speaks.

Just as he hears you.

With nothing left to say but everything left to feel, your bodies find a rhythm, tensions and emotions heighten and climb, and your worship is paid to one another and then some. You are in love, you are very much loved, and nothing and no one will ever harm you when Jasper is beside you... where he belongs.

You belong with him, dear one, and life is just a little easier to take because of that fact.

A small note - it has been years since I wrote anything for Jasper, so I’m really sorry if this has butchered his character hasdfghjkl I hope that you like it!!💙 If not, please let me know and I’m very happy to make something else for you!!!💜 Happy birthday, darling!!!🥳🥳🥳🎉🎉🎉

[etherealising]

mikey’s funeral 😪 tiff, eva and richie with baby 😭 i hope in season 3 we find out more about how richie and tiff split up 😐 cause like why would you do that to him

honestly same, because like i know Richie is kind of chaotic but like i love him so much and he just deserves happiness 😭

OMFGGGGG SHE WENT TO VISIT HIMMMM !!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! FIVE !! YEARS!!!!!

ugh i was so emotional writing this scene like these two need to get it together!!!!

oh my like he HAD FOOD READY FOR HER!

he said can’t let the wifey go cold and hungry 😤

🥹🥹 girl pleaseeee this is so sad like WHY DOES HER MAKE HER FEEL THIS WAY

like Carmy genuinely needs therapy to flush out why he self-sabotages so much, like your happy ending is right in front of you accept it please! 😭

carmen 😐 UGHHH HE FRUSTRATES ME

sammeeee mans is such a hypocrite, i can’t be what you want but i can lead you on this entire weekend (but i mean baby could’ve left at any moment so 😬)

they’re being so awkward around each other like y’all need to kiss now!!!

they’re so awkward and its so endearing, like they never got to have that teenage love stage and so everything is kinda pouring out all at once!

🧍🏼🧍🏻‍♀️ < baby and carmy

me and my readers 👀

WILLIE!! that’s so cute like everyone KNOWS YALL ARE IN LOVE LISTEN TO HIM!!!!! DO SOMETHING!!

literally everyone knows they’re in love!! so i picked the tittle of this chapter before i even invented willie but after writing him i realized how much it really fit the whole ‘anyone who had a heart’ by dionne warwick vibes and i cried : (

look at these “friends”

like these losers are not slick, a teenage girl would snap a photo of these two on the tube and post it on her finsta talking about ‘old people in love make me sick’

AHHHH OMG ITS HAPPENING AGAIN!!!!

carmy’s just coasting through life thinking its normal to kiss your (ex)best friend

we know carmen, we know.

🎶 carmen carmen doesn’t have a problem lying to himself cause HE’S FUCKING DELUSIONAL AND IS SCARED OF HAPPINESS 🎶

THE TATTOOOOO 😪

can’t lie this line was just for me like imagine carmy asking you if you want his last name!!! i am folding so hard! 😭

YOU TOOK A POLAROID OF USSSSS THEN DISCOVERED THE REST OF THE WORLD WAS BLACK AND WHITE BUT WE WERE IN SCREAMING COLOR WND I REMEMBER THINKING ARE WE OUT OF THEE WOODS - out of the woods is so carmy/baby coded i have a list of tay tay songs that are them that i keep forgetting to send you

please grace me with the list i am sobbing i love this so much! i’m such a casual listener of taylor swift but like i need to get back into because she literally has a song for every freaking occasion!!!

no please no i can’t please stay please stay please stay (all you had to do was STAY)

all he had to do was ASK AND BABY WOULD’VE DROPPED EVERYTHING FOR HIM!

THE CHAIN!!!! ok i think she probably leaves the chain when she leaves like probably with a note or just leaves it like and then he comes home and like cries…

THE CHAIN!!!! 😭 no but like this is such a messy and vulnerable time for carmy, like mikey just died, he kind of ‘fixed’ things with baby (just to screw them up) but i think baby needed to leave because it would have just been a messy toxic co-dependent relationship because of the circumstances, but also like if she would’ve stayed she might not have OD idk just a thought though….

no but your analysis had me giggling and kicking my feet!! you guys may not believe me but i literally get emotional seeing how much you all love this fic. because like i love it so much and just sharing something i love with strangers on the internet has been a really healing journey for me idk 🥹

interlude two | anyone who had a heart

masterlist | ↢ previous chapter | next chapter ↣ |

pairing: carmy x fem!reader | platonic!richie jerimovich x fem!reader | carmen berzatto x his delusions | carmen berzatto x self-sabotage | fem!reader x weakness for short slutty men with blue eyes | fem!reader x slutty gold chains | fem!reader x BEING FUCKING WEAK FOR SMARMY CARMY |

summary: the devastion of mikey's passing pushes baby into the arms of the man she loves the most.

warning(s): death | grief | funeral | refusal to grieve | denial | kinda delusional behavior | unhealthy coping mechanisms | angst | fluff | longing | mutual pining | idiots in love | love drunk carmy | probably ooc!carmy | wise willie | zero accuracy regarding new york | baby letting men pump and dump her | SMUT | P IN V | UNPROTECTED SEX | SOFT!DOM READER | VANILLA SEX | EMOTIONAL TENDER SEX |

wc: 17.3k

edited to the best of my abilities. if things don't make sense i apologize!

March 1, 2022

The rain rhythmically bounced off the umbrella in Richie’s hand. Both of you huddled under the slightly too-small object, the majority of your bodies dry, but each of you felt your fair share of rain land squarely on you. The child in front of you, dry as a desert, her small stature an advantage.

All that could be heard was nature's tears singing against the various umbrellas and the voice of the priest that seemed to just drone on and on.

Donna’s cry’s had been relegated to silent sobs just moments ago, you watched as Nat put her own hurt and discomfort aside to assuage Donna’s nerves.

You had all but ignored the empty seat situated next to Natalie, not wanting to believe the truth of the situation. As you stared at the coffin resting several feet in front of you, you couldn’t help but wonder what the cold lifeless body lying inside looked like. You knew there was only so much that could be done to make a body with a hole in its head presentable, and that a closed-casket funeral was for the best.

It was selfish, but you wanted one last look at Mikey. Did he look peaceful? Was he finally freed from the vices that had for so long controlled him? You so hoped that wherever he was, wherever his soul found its spiritual comforts he was at peace.

A tug on the sleeve of your coat drew your attention. Looking down your eyes met Eva's, the little girl insisted on standing with you, her small toddler hand securely wrapped in your adult one. It felt a little odd to be standing here like this, a buffer between a family that was no more, while also serving as the memory of one family’s missing piece.

She raised her arms in a signal to be picked up. Funerals were no place for children to be, but what good was lying to them about the realities of life? You gently lifted her into your arms sitting her on your hip comfortably. Eva’s small head rested against yours playing with the pearls around your neck, the small girl could only understand so much of what was going on around her.

You felt Tiff step closer to you, arm wrapping around your waist so she leaned into Eva’s back. The comfort of the small family surrounding you keeps you grounded to the moment in front of you, not allowing your mind to think of the pain Mikey must’ve been in, or the voicemail that had gone unchecked for the past week.

Funerals were a funny thing for you, the last one you attended was your mom’s. And it wasn’t a competition, but her death was easier. That’s the thing with terminal illness; death is inevitable. You would never be prepared for any death in your life, but it was a bit easier knowing your mom didn’t have a fighting chance. Her decision to leave this realm behind was harder, but knowing her passing was painless and of her own volition helped.

But Mikey’s death was different. It was sudden, unexpected, and messy and it wasn’t the death Michael deserved. But what made it all the worse for you is that he was utterly and terribly alone.

And it wasn’t like anyone wasn’t privy to his substance abuse, but none of you knew the depths to which it ate away at him, how it slowly killed him and he kept pushing on for the sake of others.

Maybe you should’ve asked him more about how he was doing when you interviewed him. Maybe you shouldn’t have sent him a portion of your article. Standing at the cemetery as the funeral continued, even with little Eva cuddling into you and Tiff and Richie surrounding you; you couldn’t help but let your mind wander to all the things you could’ve done to save Mikey from himself.

Eva was asleep against your chest as you made your way to the fresh grave, Tiff in front of you and Richie closely behind doing his best to cover your small group with the umbrella. The rain hadn’t let up as you raised your dirt-filled hand over the pristine casket, this didn’t feel right at all. You had yet to cry since Sugar called you days ago with the news, it felt as though you were numb to the truth. Maybe it was your mind's way of protecting you.

But as long as the casket remained closed, and you never got one last peek at the man who had taught you that you deserved more than what you settled for. You could pretend for just a little longer that none of this was real.

Releasing your grip on the dirt you watched as it splashed across the top of the casket mixing with the droplets of rain. You hesitated for a minute turning your back on this casket felt too final, like leaving this cemetery would be closing a door in your life you were desperate to keep open.

Richie’s free hand came up to your shoulder, a soft squeeze pressed into your jacket. You looked back at him the same hurt and pain you were feeling reflected on his face. He gave you a small nod as a way to let you know that it was okay to walk away, that he understood the hurt you were feeling.

As Tiff walked off to her car, you held Eva in one hand and allowed Richie to grip your other. The warm grasp of his hand gave you the strength to turn your back and walk away from a man whose love, charisma, and smile you would never be blessed to see or experience again.

March 12, 2022

Carmy sat on his lawn chair watching the rain splash against the window that led to his balcony, the funeral program rested lazily on his lap held in place by his pack of cigarettes and lighter. He didn’t realize it but this had been his routine since he learned of his brother's passing.

He would come home not even bothering to change out of his work clothes and plop down in the creaky lawn chair, usually on his balcony but recently the weather hadn’t been calm enough for that.

Light up a cigarette and just bask in his despair.

The only difference had been the program he received in the mail a week ago. The newly acquired folded paper joined his after-work routine for the day after being left on the island in his kitchen since receiving it. 

Carmy wasn’t sure if he was angry at Mikey for choosing death, or if he was more hurt by what they would never again be able to experience with each other. He felt like once again Mikey had left him behind, not thinking about the ways his actions would affect those around him, affect the people who loved him.

The decision to skip the funeral wasn’t as hard as most would have thought. What good would Carmy have to offer by being there, it's not like anyone needed him. And anyway, he couldn’t just drop everything happening here in New York for a day, life didn’t work that way for him. 

Carmy knew he didn’t hate Mikey, he just didn’t understand his choices recently. Didn’t necessarily understand how much the prescriptions had fucked with his mind. And maybe in a selfish way, he wasn’t ready to understand, to forgive Mikey for leaving him so soon. Nothing to even show for the loss of the person who inspired him most besides the funeral program as an ugly reminder of what he could never be again.

A soft knock rang through the quiet apartment, the man inside happy to ignore it, sure it was just one of his neighbors doing whatever weird shit they usually did. He removed a cigarette from his pack standing up and setting the program in the chair before grabbing his lighter and moving to open the window.

He heard it again, this time a bit louder and more urgent sounding. Carmy removed his phone from his pocket, the generic lock screen shining up at him with the time reading 2:30 am.

No one had ever shown up at his apartment this late, not even the woman across the way who periodically tried to charm Carmy all kinds of inconvenient times of the night. The knocking finally stopped as muffled voices carried through the hallway outside his door.

Carmy wouldn’t consider himself a nosy neighbor but he did find himself a bit curious who was knocking at his door at such an hour it alerted another tenant. Cigarette sitting between his lips he made his way to the door, ear leaned against it as he tried to catch bits and pieces of the conversation happening out there.

Having no such luck he resorted to checking the peephole to find his neighbor outside her door talking with a woman who appeared to be soaked to the bone. Carmy watched for a moment, he couldn’t place it but something about the unknown woman looked familiar to him. He continued watching his neighbor motioning for the woman to wait outside for a moment while she grabbed something from her apartment.

Carmy was ready to return to his initial smoke break but found himself stopping as the woman faced his door. Heart stopping as he took in features he would remember for a lifetime. He quickly moved to unlock his door, throwing it open only to surprise the ghost of a woman standing in his hallway.

You ceased your knocking as you heard a door opening behind you, turning to face a woman who appeared to be around the same age as you. From her appearance, it didn’t seem like you had woken her up so you were grateful for that fact.

“You’re making a mess in the hallway,” her eyes traveled over your form. Your figure sopping wet from the downpour you just escaped from.

A tired sigh left your lips, “Um, I’m sorry to bother you, but do you know the guy who lives here?” Your hand motioned to the door that was at your back that you had just been knocking on. 

“You a friend or something?” The skepticism in the woman’s voice irked you, it was a yes or no question there was no need for her to give you the third degree.

You nodded trying to keep your cool. You were tired, dripping wet, and you weren’t even sure if Carmy was home. “Yeah, something like that.”

She gave you another once over before shaking her head back and forth, “No I don’t, sorry.” She began to close her door before you called out to her one last time.

“Wait sorry, is there any way I could use your phone, mine is dead,” you presented your phone as evidence, you didn’t want to be in this woman’s presence any more than she wanted to put up with you, but you needed to at least call a cab.

The subtle roll of her eyes caused the grip on your phone to tighten, luckily though the woman gave you a gesture to wait there before returning to her apartment.

You let out a sigh of relief, head dropping as your thoughts raced. You had no idea what the hell was going through your mind when you booked the last-minute flight. Having found Carmen’s address written on a forgotten piece of paper lying in the kitchen of the Berzatto family home.

The excuse to Sugar was that you had to meet with a potential interviewee for an upcoming article and couldn’t reschedule. You had already been in Chicago for longer than you originally planned, so what was one impromptu plane ride to the east coast?

There was no sign that the woman you bothered was coming back anytime soon so you decided to cut your losses, you would find a pay phone or something to use. You turned around sending one last look at Carmy’s door, the feeling that this was all for nothing setting in.

You went to pick up your bag from the ground when the sounds of a door unlocking caught your attention, raising back up to your full height as you watched the door you were initially knocking on harshly swing open.

Separated by a threshold Carmen Berzatto stood in front of you clad in his disheveled chef whites looking just as exhausted as you felt. You promised yourself you wouldn’t cry if this trip did end up paying off, but after five years without him, five years of hurting and hoping you could no longer hold back all the emotions the man evoked within you.

Your trembling lips raised into a pathetic smile as your eyes took all of him in, “Hi Carmy.”

The water dripped off of you as you awkwardly stood in the entryway to Carmy’s apartment. You watched him rush around to tidy up his apartment, he hadn’t said a word to you yet just opened his door wider with the expectation that you would enter.

“Carm,” your trembling voice doing nothing to stop the scrambling of the man in front of you.

“Carmen.” The name left your lips a little louder this time, finally gaining the man’s attention, his entire being turning in your direction but eyes never meeting yours. “Uh, could I maybe take a shower?”

Carmy’s head nodded rapidly, staying glued to his spot for a moment before he signaled for you to follow him. As you walked through the apartment to his bedroom you couldn’t help but take in just how Carmy-like the living space was.

Lacking personal touch and like he was ready to flee at a moment's notice; the only commitment the man could make was being a chef apparently.

You stopped in front of the bathroom looking around his room before finally focusing on him. “I, do you think I could borrow some clothes?”

Again Carmy nodded the man acting as though his voice box wasn’t working. You watched him move around his room wondering if he’d ever award you any form of attention or verbal acknowledgment. He stopped for a minute eyes finally finding yours, “Go ahead and get cleaned up, I’ll leave these on the bed.”

Your eyes found the contents in his hand before it was your turn to nod and head into the bathroom. You started the shower searching for a towel and washcloth as you waited for the water to heat up. This whole trip could very well be a mistake, but there was no going back now, you were here, and you had already used your miles. 

Slipping out of your wet clothes felt like a struggle, the heavy fabric clinging to you like a second skin. You quickly stepped into the shower, not wanting any of the water to go to waste. The steaming water helped to relax you, all your worries about your visit being set aside as you basked in the warmth radiating around you.

After standing under the shower head and allowing the water to caress your skin, you reached for the products Carmy had lined up in his shower. The shower gel is the same brand you used all those years ago on Christmas. Looking at the bottle in your hands you couldn’t help but think of all the ways in which Carmy wronged you, why you had allowed him to constantly hurt you, a fact you still couldn’t figure out.

And you couldn’t stand here in his shower glaring at a bottle the whole time you were here either. You took your time lathering your body allowing the calming aroma of lavender to invade your senses. Finishing you returned everything to its proper spot before rinsing your body and shutting the shower off.

Stepping out you wrapped the large fluffy towel around your body not chancing a glance at your reflection as you exited the bathroom. The door to the bedroom was closed and the clothes you saw in Carmy’s hands earlier sat in a neat pile on the bed. You perused the selection of a clean pair of boxer shorts, one of his many crew necks and a pair of socks were laid out for you.

The deja vu the last few sequences of events had given you hadn’t gone unnoticed. 

You would have to forgo a bra but you’d been in much more uncomfortable positions with Carmy than this. Dressing you made your way to the door, stopping for a moment to allow yourself a deep breath, you couldn’t be sure what you would be walking into. Along with the fact that you were in a city you had never been in and your return flight wasn’t for two more days, Carmy was your only option. 

The warmth in the apartment slapped you in the face as you left Carmy’s room, the heater had been turned on. You followed the trail you had first taken finding your way to the living room that doubled as a kitchen.

“Sit,” you were almost ready to argue with Carmy’s demanding tone, but the food situated on the island counter stopped you.

You made your way to the lone stool taking a seat, trying not to marvel at the food in front of you. Carmy’s water bill would be high for the month, you had apparently been in the shower long enough for a dinner of grilled cheese and tomato soup to be made. Carmy still hard at work making something on the stovetop sans his chef jacket.

Eyeing the food in front of you, you couldn’t help the way your mouth watered. You greedily picked up a slice of the grilled cheese and dipped it into the hearty soup, The sigh of appreciation not going unnoticed by the chef a few feet away from you, a small smirk gracing his lips at the quiet sound you let out.

“Good?” The question caught you off guard, mouth still full, swallowing the bite in your mouth you set the rest of the sandwich down, eyes zeroing in on Carmy’s biceps that were put on full display by his form-fitting white shirt. 

“I’ve had better.” Carmy caught your shrug as he placed a steaming mug next to the rest of your food, doing his best not to outright smile at your stubborn attitude. He moved to lean his back against the sink, arms crossed over his chest as he studied you.

“Fuck Carmy,” the sigh left your lips reluctantly. “It’s actually fucking great.” So enthralled with the food set in front of you, you missed the pink blush that dusted across Carmy’s cheeks. The heat in the apartment almost felt like too much as the lewd words left your lips.

“Ahem, I uh, I’m gonna get cleaned up. Make yourself comfortable,” Carmy watched as you waved him off, the food you were eating stealing all of your attention.

Carmy watched you for a moment longer, still shocked that your physical presence was here in his apartment. He wasn’t sure what prompted this visit, or if he even deserved your attention after all the immature shit he had pulled. But he was thankful to see you doing well, to see you looking as though you belonged with him in his bland apartment the clothes comfortably sitting on your body providing him with a feeling of domesticity he was one day hoping to have with you.

The mug of hot chocolate in your hands helped to send warmth through your body. You were still sitting at the stool not sure what to do as Carmy freshened himself up. Now that you weren’t shivering cold and rushing through the apartment you could finally take in the less than cozy abode. 

It wasn’t much but you were sure it was enough for Carmy, taking a few sips of your drink you began ambling around the apartment, mug still gripped in your hands, a tether to reality. The living room wasn’t messy but more so what you would describe as Carmy’s version of organized clutter.

A small couch and television helped to offer a homey feeling. The out-of-place lawn chair caught your eye, and the corner of your lips quirked up at how fucking Carmy it was. You made your way to the window it was sitting in front of, the New York skyline at this time of the day still a sight to see. The rain gliding down the window felt like it matched the steady pace of your heartbeat.

Turning to the lawn chair the contents in the seat grabbed your attention. Leaning over you picked up the unassuming paper, a jolt of sadness rushing through you as you read over the program. The funeral a week ago is still stuck in the back of your mind, the closed sleek black casket haunting your eyelids every night.

You quickly replaced the program in its original spot. You had come here intending to confront Carmy about his absence, but the more you stood in his apartment, the more you realized you weren’t actually ready to hear Carmy’s truth.

48 hours was all you had here, if you decided to use it as an escape, so be it. You would have to return to the reality that Mikey was dead sooner than later. You were allowed to let yourself use the time spent here as an escape from reality. You could use your time here to reprimand Carmy for his life decisions, or you could use the borrowed time to relish in finally seeing him after five years and try to figure out the back and forth the two of you have been participating in for a majority of your lives.

Mikey would understand, he wanted you to be happy, so it was okay to pretend for a little while that he’d be waiting there in Chicago when you got back right?

You made your way back to the kitchenette needing a distraction from the very thoughts you were running away from. You finished off your hot cocoa before grabbing your remaining dishes and heading to the sink. Washing dishes was the first distraction you could think of. 

As you made your way to the sink the sound of a door opening and feet padding across the floor could be heard. Quickly turning on the faucet you reached for the dish rag sitting in the sink, a sharp gasp escaping your lips at the pain that shot through the base of your palm, the running water easily turning a translucent pink color.

Snatching your hand back you spotted the blade of a knife that was covered in drops of your blood and haphazardly hidden under the dish rag. Your good hand reached to move the dish rag and grab the offending object. 

Finally getting a good grip on the knife, you were shocked at the familiarity of it, the personal initials carved into the handle proving your theory. The last time you laid eyes on these they were neatly tucked away into a luxurious gift box that Carmy discarded just as easily as he discarded you the morning after Christmas. 

And you thought they had been left in the same spot all these years, collecting dust in his childhood bedroom. But as you held a knife from the set in your hand, and your eyes moved to the remaining set delicately placed on the counter not too far away, you realized that to be nowhere near the truth. 

“Yo, what the fuck Baby,” your attention turned to Carmy’s voice behind you his figure clad in a pair of sweats and a white tank top. That stupid fucking gold chain that you had dreamed of taking between your teeth one too many times glistened against the firmness of his chest.

The delicate grip on your injured hand tore your eyes from the sinful chain. Carmy’s eyes raised your hand to his face examining the seriousness of the wound, “What happened?” 

“Cut myself,” you raised the knife in your hand to show him, watching as his eye darted between you and the tool he took so much pride in owning.

“What the fuck did you do that for?” Carmen Berzatto’s attitude would never cease to surprise you.

You scoffed quickly snatching your hand from his grip, and walking to grab the dish towel hanging from his oven, “I didn’t do it on purpose you fucking idiot.” 

Carmy began rummaging around in his cabinets his search not continuing for too long before he made his way over to you, first aid kit in his grasp. You were honestly surprised he owned one sure he’d rather bask in his pain than take care of himself.

Your good hand shot out aiming to grab the first aid kit from his hands. The slight slap to your hand caused your mouth to drop open, who the hell did he think he was?

“Give me the kit Carmen.” You watched as his eyes met yours, the once blank expression on his face morphing into a frown. 

“Don’t say my name like that,” you rolled your eyes before reaching out once again, only to receive the same result. “Just let me help you. Why are you being so fucking stubborn!”

You raised your eyebrows not expecting Carmy to yell at you. Your hand reluctantly came up between the two of you so he could bandage it up. It was official that you were weak for this man, the demanding tone in his voice shooting straight through you. 

The two of you sat in silence as Carmy cleaned the cut, the consensus was that you didn’t need stitches so the ointment and bandages Carmy had would do. You watched as he worked, hands delicately mending your wound he was so focused on.

When he finished you lowered your hand watching as he cleaned up before you made your exit to the living room, sitting on one side of the couch. Your back was to the kitchen as Carmy finished tidying up, the only sign he followed you out was him walking around the couch in your peripheral.

He joined you on the couch choosing the safe option and sitting directly across from you, the space speaks volumes. You brought your legs up to your chest, if this was a month ago you probably would have let all your hurt and anger guide you in this moment. 

But as life taught you, the universe was eager to snatch away people you thought you had forever with. 

It was silent for a little longer, the both of you avoiding eye contact. You finally turned to face him wanting to understand the choices he made regarding the situation between you two.

“Carmy?” You rested your chin atop your knees as he finally provided you with his full attention, “Did I do something wrong?”

His eyebrows raised, whether, from shock or surprise, you couldn’t be sure. You watched as his eyes darted across the room like he was looking for an anchor. You weren’t too sure who adult Carmy was, because the boy you used to know easily held conversations with you, even the tough ones. 

“I just…I want to understand you, Carmy. And I want to know why I’m not good enough for you,” as soon as those words left your lips it was like you were looking at 18-year-old Carmy again. “I thou-we seemed to be in a good place after Christmas dinner, but then I woke up alone and…and it felt like we were back at square one like you ghosted me all over again.”

You were staring directly into Carmy’s eyes, it was hard but it needed to be done. You needed him to see, to understand how much his actions continued hurting you. 

His hand raised in a gesture you had seen too many times to count, fingers running through his hair. If he didn’t want to have this conversation you couldn’t force him to, but you also wouldn’t keep allowing him to run in and out of your life when it was convenient for him. The two of you were friends once, and you weren’t going to allow him to continue exploiting the love you had for him.

Your arms wrapped around your propped-up legs, a security blanket for the words you were about to force out. “You can be honest with me, Carmy. If you told me you wanted nothing to do with me I’d be on the next flight out of here.” You waited for anything, a sigh, words, but all you got was his steel blue eyes staring you down in the space across from you. 

A sardonic chuckle escaped your lips as you quickly wiped the tears racing down your cheeks. Head falling back to stare at the ceiling as a way to not allow Carmy to see your tears, before calming yourself down enough to meet his gaze head-on.

“I can’t be the only one that wants more for us Carmy.” You could see the light reflecting off the glazed film in his eyes. “And I don’t think I am. But you’re inconsistent with your feelings, and I know it’s wrong of me to spring this on you considering the circumstances…but I just need honesty Carmy, that’s all.”

You said your peace, but you weren’t sure what else you could say to try to make him understand and maybe that was the problem, maybe he didn’t want to understand. You leaned into the couch cushion for comfort. The distance stretching between you was nowhere near as hurtful as the silence.

The fatigue from your flight was beginning to set in, you rushed everything to make it here that you hadn’t realized how much of a toll it took on you. 

Carmy watched you from his side of the couch, arms crossed against his chest. There was so much he wanted to say to you but didn’t know how. He knew you deserved the truth, but it had never before been asked of him in this context. He was scared of the fact that he wanted more with you; it  frightened him.

The idea he had of the two of you in his head was intoxicating and unnerving all at once. He could admit to himself that he dreamed of a life with you, and found himself lost in thought too many times to count about what it would be like to come home after a long shift to you there waiting for him.

Carmen was intoxicated by the idea of spending the rest of his life with you, a continuous beacon in your life that surpassed the title of friend and edged into something more. But he was unnerved as well because he wasn’t sure if this was love or infatuation.

Loving you unnerved Carmy, firstly because he wasn’t sure how he would know he was in love with you or not. And secondly, he didn’t know how to love you and wasn’t sure if he was capable of it. If there was one thing Carmy knew it was that you were deserving of a life-altering love, a love that transcended lifetimes if possible.

But he was almost positive he couldn’t be that person for you, he wasn’t deserving of you.

“I uh, I tried calling you,” Carmy stopped to collect himself, he wanted to talk to you, to let you understand him like you once did. “You changed your number. And that’s not an excuse. I understood why. I just…I guess I took it as a sign that there was nothing left for us.”

His eyes met yours searching for any sort of reaction, any form of acknowledgment. Your puffy eyes and tear-stained face stared back at him, his heart clenching in his chest at the emotional distress he constantly put you through.

“I um,” a placating smile raised to Carmy’s lips as he fumbled with his fingers as a distraction. “I can’t-Baby I-we both know I can’t give you what you deserve.” Carmy did his best to play off the watery undertone in his voice, eyes quickly darting up to yours as he heard your sniffles.

Carmy watched as your head rapidly nodded up and down, a sad knowing smile stretching across your lips. The tightness in his chest increased tenfold, his hand coming up to press into the middle of his chest, hoping to alleviate the pain. 

“I um, I think I would like to go to sleep if that’s okay?” You raised your head to look at Carmy, you told him you would accept his rejection, but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t going to hurt. 

Carmy nodded getting up and walking towards you, holding his hand out to help you up. You allowed him to grasp your soft hand in his firm calloused one, head down as he led you to his bedroom. He motioned for you to sit down on his bed as he escaped into the bathroom, coming back a moment later with tissues in his hand.

You avoided his eyes as he bent down on his knees in front of you, gently using the collected tissue to dab at your puffy face. You couldn’t help the sorrowful laugh that escaped your lips, the scene reminded you of when the two of you were growing up and Carmy would always help clean your face after a good cry.

A tight smile formed on his lips as his eyes met yours, the two of you probably thinking of the same memories. He finished drying your face before returning to the bathroom to throw away the tissues. Carmy helped you up from the bed to pull down his comforter before allowing you to get in.

He watched as you scooted over to make room for him awaiting his entrance, “Uh lemme just tidy up out there.” Both of you knew it was an excuse but neither were brave enough to admit it. 

Carmy quickly left the room heading straight for the small duffle you had brought with you. He was sure the rain had soaked through your bag and wet your belongings. Making his way to the closet where his washer and dryer were located he easily fit your clothes into the wash, not wanting you to be stuck in his clothes for however long you were there.

He found your laptop bag in there as well, quickly removing it from its confines and drying it with a clean kitchen towel. Placing the laptop on his counter he made his way around the kitchenette to clean up the mess your blood made and finish off the dishes you hadn’t been able to wash. All of this was a distraction to the warm body he knew was waiting up for him in bed, he felt the urge to prolong the inevitable but realized he might never get this chance again.

Carmy quickly finished his clean of the front room, it wasn’t up to his usual standards but he could no longer deny himself the thing he wanted most in that moment; to wrap you up in his arms and hope he’d never have to let go.

Making sure all appliances were off and starting the washer, he quickly made his way back into his bedroom, closing the door as quietly as he could. He stood in the middle of the room for a minute, the figure peacefully lying in his bed not something he was used to. Carmy quietly crept over to the empty side of the bed lifting the covers and allowing himself to slide in.

Carmy knew you weren’t asleep and any other time he might’ve felt embarrassed to be so eager to be near you, but something about being in your presence felt right. Carmy made sure to scoot close to you, arm moving to wrap around your midsection and bring you closer to him, the need to feel your body pressed against his barely being satisfied.

His face found its way to the crook of your neck, taking a deep breath, the lavender scent he loved so much dancing across his senses. The sigh you let out into the night was a sign that you both wanted this just as much.

Carmy moved his head up a few inches, lips brushing against the ‘B’ hidden behind your ear. There wasn’t a day he didn’t think about the hidden ink stain or the words you said to him when he first found it.

Pressing one more soft kiss against the inkblot Carmy felt as you relaxed into him. Your warm body in his arms once more provided a feeling of bliss he wasn’t aware he needed.

You both knew the position you were in and the soft caress of Carmy’s lips against your skin, was a direct contradiction of the claims he made earlier. But neither of you would be the voice of reason in these 48 hours you had together.

Whatever happened between the two of you during this time would be welcomed with open arms. You and Carmy were on borrowed time, there would be time for regrets later, but as Carmy held you in his arms he decided that he would try to give you pieces of himself that no one had ever seen; even if it would all end in hours. 

“Sweet dreams Baby.” 

Carmy looked most at peace while sleeping, the stress and exhaustion seemed to have melted off of him as his mind transported him to the land of dreams.

You had been awake for some time now, Carmy’s presence helpful enough to allow you a few peaceful hours of sleep. But the inevitable thoughts of a life lost would always haunt you through the night. So here you were watching the slight rise and fall of Carmy’s chest, his lips parted slightly. He looked adorable like this but you felt a little weird just watching someone sleep. 

Your hand raised gently moving the waves out of Carmy’s face, leaning in slightly to press a delicate kiss on his forehead before quietly making your way out of the bed. It was a little tricky to open the door without waking Carmy but you had managed.

Leaving the hallway that led to Carmy’s room you entered the living room, searching for the duffle you brought with you. Only to find it open on the floor, your toiletry bag the only item that remained in the bottom of the bag. Confusion swept across your face as you tried to figure out where the rest of your belongings were.

Looking around the living area you spotted your laptop resting on the counter, your laptop bag sitting on a towel next to it. You would figure things out later. The first thing you wanted to do right now was to brush your teeth.

You quickly tip-toed back into Carmy’s room and the bathroom quietly shutting the door behind you and beginning your morning routine. Now refreshed you exited the bathroom, a small smile gracing your lips as you took in Carmy’s still-sleeping figure. 

Perusing the fridge and pantry you found a lack of any edible food. The few things available allowed you to whip up some French toast. You were no chef and maybe you should’ve left the cooking to Carmy but you were hoping this could be an olive branch for the two of you. If Carmy didn’t want to be with you romantically, maybe the two of you could work on mending your friendship.

Carmy woke up to an empty bed, his first thoughts that you had escaped in the night, his heart clenching a bit at the thought. He couldn’t be mad he pulled the same stunt on you, turning to lay on his back he stared at his ceiling, mind racing as he thought about the conversation from yesterday. 

Carmy knew he wanted to be happy, and he also knew he wanted that with you. He just didn’t know the first thing about romantic love or how to explicitly make his wants clear to you. It seemed as though he’d never get that chance, you were serious about catching the next flight out. 

Sitting up in bed he looked around, trying to gain his bearings. The sound of his bedroom door opening jolted him from his thoughts. He watched as you walked in with two plates in your hands, the smell of French toast invading his senses. His eyes found yours as you stopped in the doorway a small shy smile sent in his direction.

“I made us breakfast,” Carmy watched you make your way towards him, taking a plate off your hands as you sat on the bed in front of him. “I hope you don’t mind French toast, you uh didn’t have much to work with.” 

Carmy’s eyes subtly lit up at the fact that you were still there, that you hadn’t left. “No, yeah this is great, you uh, used cinnamon and everything.” The shy teasing smile on Carmy’s face caused a small chuckle to bubble out of you.

The two of you ate in silence for the most part, each of you stealing glances at one another while the other wasn’t paying attention. Shy smiles sent each other’s way when one of you would catch the other’s eye. 

You watched as Carmy took the plate from your hands and made his way to the door, you sat there for a moment watching him walk away before getting up and following behind him. You silently took a seat on the stool at the counter watching as Carmy began cleaning the remaining breakfast dishes.

The stretch of his back muscles under the tank top he was wearing was a sight to see. It surprised you a bit how toned Carmy was considering he lived and breathed being a chef, you didn’t expect him to have free time to worry about his physique. 

You waited as Carmy finished sending him a small smile as he finally faced you. He made his way to you, the two of you separated by the counter, his forearms resting on the counter accentuated his toned biceps.

“I actually need to go to the farmer’s market today,” you waited to see if there was anything more he had to say but the silence drew on.

“Oh, I can stay here, I have work to finish.” You gestured your hand to the laptop not far from the two of you, trying not to let your disappointment show.

“Did you maybe wanna join me,” Carmy waited for your response, eyes darting around your face hoping you would say yes.

“Do you…want me to join you?” You could laugh, the two of you sitting here beating around the bush like two teenagers. 

You waited as you took in Carmy’s shy demeanor, the blush rising from his neck, you were tempted to point it out but didn’t want him to close himself off like you were used to. 

“I want you to come with me to the farmers market.” Carmy made sure to look you in the eyes as the words left his mouth, sure that he was red in the face but wanting you to know how much he wanted to spend time with you. 

The two of you stared at each other for a while, the toothy grin on your face mirroring the his smaller one. The small nod of your head was everything Carmy needed to see for his heartbeat to calm down. He watched as you giddily got up from your seat presumably to get ready.

“Oh um did you do something with my clothes?” The smile didn’t seem to be leaving your face anytime soon.

Carmy cleared his throat hand raising to scratch the back of his neck, “Yeah I, uh I washed them, they’re in my closet.” 

You couldn’t deny that those words made your heart pick up speed a bit, the idea of feeling giddy that your clothes were in Carmy’s closet was a bit childish, but you would take what you could get at this point. 

“Oh, okay I’ll just go get ready then.” Your hand gestured to the room behind you.

“Yeah,” Carmy couldn’t help but marvel at the idea of you getting ready in his apartment, it was almost like he could pretend this was his reality.

“Yeah,” you didn’t know why you were acting like a love-struck teenager but Carmy just brought it out of you.

“Okay,” Carmy nodded his head signaling you to take your leave.

“Oka-.”

“Baby just go get fucking ready.” A huff of laughter escaped Carmy at the way you were acting.

Carmy stood by the counter watching as you ran off to prepare yourself for the day. He couldn’t stop the smile from gracing his lips as he listened to your melodic laughter sing through the emptiness of his apartment.

You had split from Carmy a few booths back, the two of you deciding it was for the best. Your constant wandering off to booths that intrigued you put Carmy in a panic when he would look to see you no longer at his side. 

It was your first time in New York and you were just happy to take in this small portion of what the city had to offer. The farmer’s market here was similar to the ones you’d been to back home, though the weather would take some getting used to, not like you needed to. You’d be back in Chicago before you knew it. 

You found a small flea market-type area towards the back of the farmers market. Vendors gathered around selling handmade items and keepsakes. A few minutes into your perusal of the area you found a vendor selling handmade clothing items. A pretty cami dress caught your eye that the vendor exclaimed you just had to have, and who were you to turn down a beautiful dress selling for a decent price in the streets of New York.

With the dress nicely tucked away into a paper bag gently swinging from your arm, you decided it was time to make your way back to the entrance of the farmers market and wait for Carmy. On your journey back you stopped at a vendor selling handmade leather goods, a particular leather wallet drawing your attention.

The familiarity of it caused you to let loose a shuddering breath, the small item reminded you of Mikey’s wallet. Although his was more used, worn in. Standing on this street and looking down at the pristine wallet in front of you was almost like looking at a replica.

You remembered asking him once why he chose to use the ratty old thing and the smart-ass response he had given you. The fact that an inanimate object that had no ties to Mikey was causing this sort of reaction inside you, felt too real, it felt like grief was prepared to sink its claws into you. 

And you couldn’t allow it, because you were in New York finally on somewhat good terms with Carmy. And Mikey would be waiting for your return to Chicago, eager to hear about your time with his little brother. 

“Would you like to buy it, miss?” Your eyes found the vendors, a forced smile tracing your lips.

You slowly shook your head feeling a little bad for turning down goods from a small business, you just didn’t need the wallet, especially not one that would remind you of him every day.

The walk back to the farmers market felt melancholy: the promise to yourself to compartmentalize Mikey and his situation was becoming harder the more time you spent alone. Your search for Carmy became more urgent the longer you couldn’t find him. The racing images of Mikey’s casket swirling with your recent moments spent in Carmy’s presence. 

You didn’t want to burden Carmy with the debilitating thoughts you were having, not wanting to ruin the good thing the two of you had going. Neither of you brought up the elephant in the room and it seemed like neither of you was going to. The both of you content to live in momentary bliss for the time you had together. 

It felt like you were spiraling and all because of some stupid too similar fucking wallet. You finally made your way to the entrance of the market hoping Carmy would know to look for you there.

Carmy gathered the ingredients necessary for the dinner he planned for tonight, luckily for him the restaurant was closed on Sundays so he could spend the day with you. 

He still wasn’t sure that any of this was real. You showing up outside his apartment at two in the morning, holding you as you slept, and now adventuring out to the market he frequented, it all felt like a dream.

There was one last stop Carmy needed to make before he met up with you. He made his way to the old flower vendor who was always the first one here to ensure he set up a show at the entrance. Carmy had his fair share of conversations with the man but had never actually bought any flowers off of him, but today was the day that changed. 

“Carmen is that you?” Carmy raised his head from the flowers he was glancing at, the old man sitting on the stool smiling his way.

“Yes sir. How you doing today Willie?” Carmy wasn’t much into friends or acquaintances since the two of you parted ways all those years ago, but Willie was a special case. Always kind, on Carmy’s first visit to this particular market the older man had explained to him the layout and gave him insider information about what times were best to come to ensure he got the freshest ingredients from each vendor. 

“You thinking about buying something today son?” The older man rose from his seated position plopping the paper he was reading in his place.

Carmy nodded eyes going back to the various flowers to choose from. This wasn’t Carmy, he had never done something like this, not willingly at least. But he knew flowers could symbolize different things, and have different meanings. And if he couldn’t figure out how to be straightforward and speak with you, maybe a hand-picked bouquet could solve that issue. 

“Looking for anything in particular?” He glanced at Willie, a slight frown marring his face, he genuinely had no idea.

Carmy chuckled, hand raising to scratch the nape of his neck, “I’m not sure Willie.” He felt a little embarrassed. How was he to translate his feelings to you through horticulture if he knew nothing about flowers and their meanings.

“Well help me out boy, tell me who they’re for an maybe I can whip something up for you.” It was like perfect timing as Carmy heard your voice trickling into his ears. You were standing on the other side of the entrance phone to your ear as you spoke to somebody, a look of exhaustion on your features.

Carmy’s eyes caught yours as you glanced in his direction, he watched that beautiful smile appear as you quickly ended the call with whoever you were talking to, smile mirroring yours as you two stared at each other across the distance. Your hand raised in a shy wave smile growing wider as Carmy reciprocated the gesture. 

“Now Carmen, why didn’t you tell me these were for your old lady,” Carmy’s head shot around to find Willie smirking at him from his side of the booth. “Is that the young lady in that picture you keep in your wallet?” 

Carmy watched frozen, as Willie moved around his booth, trying his best to figure out when the older man had ever caught a glance at the picture of you two. “Uh, she’s just a friend sir.” 

“Listen, boy, you can lie to yourself, but you can’t lie to me. And I know you betta not be lying to that pretty girl over there.” The flowers in Willie’s hand were used to point in your direction. 

“I saw the way she looked at you just now son, that girl is in love,” Carmy listened as Willie began constructing the bouquet, ears tuned to what the man was saying. 

“I’ll give it to you straight boy, you’re gonna regret every chance you didn’t take with that young lady. Now I don’t know the situation between you two, but what I do know is that you look at that girl like she invented oxygen, I know because that’s how I looked at my Debbie.” Carmy was raptly intrigued with Willie’s words, watching the sad smile take over his lips as he mentioned his recently deceased wife.

“And from our interactions you don’t seem to me like the type to let rare opportunities pass you by,” the bouquet seemed to be pretty much finished, the older man just putting the final touches. “Now you give that pretty young lady this here bouquet, you make her a nice dinner like I’m sure you planned. And you let her know how much you appreciate her.” 

Carmy nodded his head rapidly trying to take in everything the older man said. His breath hitched in his throat as he watched Willie wave you over to them.

“Excuse me miss? Why don’t you come on over here and join us.” Carmy could feel the panic rising within him.

“N- Willie No don-.”

“Hush up boy and introduce me to your lovely girl.” You stopped next to Carmy eyes widening as you took in the unknown man's words. 

You looked at Carmy as he brought his hand up to swipe across his mouth, a tight-lipped smile lining his lips afterwards.

“Hi sweetie I’m Willie Carmen’s only friend in this city,” you laughed as the man winked at you before holding his hand out listening as you introduced yourself. 

“It’s nice to meet you Willie, you have some beautiful flowers, do you harvest them yourself?” The man in front of you waved off the compliment with a serene smile on his face.

“My wife and I started selling at this market 20 years ago. This is my first year without her.” The smile on your lips faltered as you offered your condolences.

“Now I don’t wanna keep you too long, but this bouquet here is for you to miss.” You looked at Carmy before your eyes found Willie’s again, your cheeks warming at what the man was insinuating. 

“Oh um, thank you so much. How much do I owe you?” Your wallet was out and ready in your hand, Carmy’s hand shooting out to stop you as he thrust money forward. 

“Y’all put that money away now,” Willie shook his head scoffing at the idea of either of you paying.

He held out the bouquet in your direction, the smile lining his face urged you to take it. You couldn’t help but marvel at the beautiful bouquet, the colorful assortment helping to ease the foreboding feeling you had earlier. 

“Our friend Carmen here chose each of those flowers,” you looked in Carmy’s direction, the blush on his face so endearing to you. “I went on ahead and tucked a card in there with their meanings. You two make a fine pair, don’t let life get in the way of the love you share, you hear me?”

You nodded avoiding Carmy’s eyes like your life depended on it, easily listening to the wisdom Willie was bestowing upon the two of you. 

“The world is kind but she is also cruel. She will take away the things we love even if we’re not ready to part with them. Love each other loudly and with no regrets, it's always good to see young love prosper.”  The sad look in Willie’s eyes pulled at your heartstrings, you stood there wondering if he had any regrets. 

The clearing of Carmy’s throat finally drew your attention from the wise older man in front of you. “Thank you Willie really, but we should be heading home.” 

Willie nodded a pleasant smile on his lips, “Damn right! The two of you holdin up my business.” The older man shooed the two of you off a chuckle followed his gesture. 

“It was nice meeting you Willie, thank you again for the beautiful bouquet.” You sent him one last wave before you and Carmy moved away from the booth.

“It’s a gorgeous bouquet Carmy,” you glanced over the flowers before your eyes locked with Carmy’s, a loving smile splitting your face. 

Carmy smiled, unconsciously reaching out to move a stray piece of hair from your eyes, hurriedly dropping his hand and clearing his throat. “Let’s get them home and into some water yeah?” Carmy’s eyes darted around doing his best not to stare at you for too long.

You looked down trying to hide your smile, the word ‘home’ filled you with warmth. Your hand reached out to intertwine his with your own, avoiding Carmy’s eyes as they finally focused on you, “Lead the way.”

The gentle squeeze of your hand in Carmy’s made you smile, the two of you making your way back to his apartment. Neither of you mentioned holding hands as you journeyed home, just like neither of you said anything as you melted into his safe embrace on the subway ride.

The two of you entered the small apartment, your laughs filtering through the hallway and into the entranceway. A run-in with Carmy’s neighbor across the hall was responsible for the now-dying laughter between the two of you.

“Is she always like that?” You stopped allowing Carmy to help you out of your jacket before he hung it up. You turned to him, taking the bags out of his hand as you made your way to the kitchen. Setting them on the counter before searching for something to hold your flowers. 

Carmy followed behind you after removing his own coat, hands falling to your waist as he moved around you to unload the few groceries he had gotten for tonight. “She uh, airdropped me a nude once, so right now was pretty tame I guess.” 

Your headshot to Carmy’s everything in you holding back the laugh that was desperately trying to escape. “Poor girl. Did you send one back?” You nudged your elbow into his watching as the blush on his cheeks deepened.

He maneuvered around you trying to ignore your teasing, “God no, we uh went out for drinks once, it was cool.” 

The crumbs he was giving you surprised you, “And nothing like came out of that?”

“I dunno was something supposed to?” Carmy made sure not to give you direct attention, mortified that he was even having this conversation with you in his kitchen.

“Well did you want it to?” You didn’t know why you had latched onto this topic of conversation so hard, it reminded you of the times Carmy would ramble to you about Claire. And if you were just spending the weekend with a friend wasn’t this the type of conversation you should be engaging in? 

Carmy turned to you as you finally found a glass big enough to support the bouquet, he watched as you filled the glass with water before trimming the stems. “Not with her, no.”

You looked up to see Carmy finally looking at you with a serious expression painting his flushed face. You couldn’t help it as your eyes dropped to his lips, clocking the subtle peak of his tongue poking out as he wet his lips. 

Carmy made his way towards you, Willie's words from earlier bouncing around in his head. He pulled the flower from your hand and placed it in the large glass he wasn’t even aware he had. He cleared his throat hoping he had enough confidence to get these words out.

“I’m gonna start on dinner, and you’re gonna go get ready,” his hand came up to hold the left side of your jaw, finger finding the spot behind your ear he always took special care to remember. “I want you to put on that pretty little dress you were gushing about on the way home.” Carmy stopped watching as you nodded your head showing that you were paying attention.

“Can you do that for me?” His eyes traced your face looking for any signs that you were uncomfortable.

Your lidded eyes lazily blinked up at him a quiet ‘yes’ escaped through your parted lips. A small smile rested on Carmy’s lips as he leaned in to plant a delicate kiss on your forehead, lips lingering for a moment too long.

He reluctantly removed himself from you waiting for you to scurry off. Surprised when you took a step closer to him and leaned in, a gentle press of your lips connecting to the corner of his. Carmy watched as you pulled away and smiled at him before taking your leave.

Carmy stood in his kitchen for a minute, heart racing as he realized what he had just done. The only place Carmy had ever been in control was in the kitchen, so maybe that’s why it was so easy for him to take control in that moment, well that and Willie’s lecture.

He was sure it would never happen again as he began preparing the ingredients for the lasagna he planned to make for the two of you. 

You and Carmy had switched places a few minutes ago after he walked in on you wrapped in a towel and profusely apologized  for almost a whole minute. You easily slipped into your dress while Carmy was in the shower. 

As you walked into the living room you could smell the delicious aroma of the cuisine Carmy prepared for the two of you. You were glad to be out of Carmy’s presence for the time being, your brain doing its best to process the moment the two of you had shared in the kitchen. 

The cold shower you took did nothing to calm down the feelings swirling around inside you. You had never seen Carmy so in control of anything in his life, the demanding tone he used with you earlier almost had you making a fool of yourself right there in his kitchen. 

A constant beep coming from the oven drew your attention, you quickly made your way to the kitchen grabbing a towel to remove the hot dish from its place resting in the oven. You couldn’t help but marvel at the pretty lasagna in your hands. It was a bit weird to describe food as pretty, but the presentation was generally pleasing to the eyes.

You walked to the countertop to set the dish down, turning to search through the kitchen for plates and utensils. Having a slightly hard time as you had no idea where anything was located at.

“Baby?” The sound of Carmy’s voice startled you, not having heard him make his approach. 

You turned in his direction, a light laugh leaving your lips. It was a bit comical, the two of you dressed nicely, feet bare in his New York apartment. You took in his appearance biting your lip as you spotted his chain that encouraged you to do sinful things. He was dressed in probably the only slacks he owned, the ankles cuffed since he wasn’t wearing shoes. The deep green crew neck hugging his body was similar in color to the dress you were wearing, the unexpected matching caused another laugh to leave your lips. 

The box in his hand finally caught your attention, it appeared to be a present of some sort. You pointed at it with the random spoon you had picked up while searching for cutlery. 

“What’s that?” You furrowed your brows as you watched Carmy revert to his usual shy self. 

He held the gift out to you, “Go ahead, open it.” Your hand brushed his as you took the box from his hold feeling a bit giddy at the unsolicited gift.

Carmy held his breath as he watched you open a five-year-old gift in his kitchen. You looked beautiful and he wanted to tell you but couldn’t seem to force the words out too enthralled with the intimate atmosphere that had been surrounding the two of you since earlier in the kitchen. 

Carmy was a fool for leaving you the morning after Christmas and knowing that he let Mikey down when it came to you haunted him. He was glad to have these days with you, it wasn’t healthy but the two of you were providing a distraction for each other. 

“Carmy oh my goodness,” the gasp of your breath brought Carmy back to reality. His cheeks warmed at seeing you so happy. “How much did this even cost you, these things are like relics.” Your eyes flashed to the smile on your face seeming to brighten up the kitchen.

“It doesn’t matter, I bought this for Christmas and just…I never sent it.” He was prepared for you to scold him for his stupidity, tell him you didn’t care for the gift, and that you couldn’t play pretend with him anymore. 

The press of your warm body against his surprised him, quickly wrapping his arms around your waist. Holding onto you so tightly scared that if he let you go then you would disappear and he’d realize this weekend was just a dream.

“I love it Carmy really, thank you.” Your arms were still wrapped around his neck as the two of you gazed into each other's eyes. 

“Can I,” Carmy paused a laugh escaping his lips at the similarities between this moment and a past one you shared. “Can I kiss you?” 

You wasted no time before you leaned forward pressing a sweet kiss into his lips lingering for a moment to translate the love you felt for him. Carmy’s hand moved up to your jaw, keeping you locked in place against him, his tongue slipping out to caress your bottom lip.

You slowly opened your mouth allowing him in, the softness of his tongue exploring the warmth of your mouth. The kiss was slow, sensual, all the pent-up emotions being shared between the two of you. 

The rhythm Carmy set was easy for you to follow along with, you took the chance to suck on his tongue a bit, losing yourself in the feelings this one kiss was bringing forth.

You parted from Carmy reluctantly, a small smile raised to your lips as you watched him chase you for more. A soft moan escaped you as he began decorating kisses down your jaw and to your neck, tilting your head back to allow him better access, surprise painting your features as he raised you to sit on his counter. 

Carmy continued to study you with his lips, tracing down your pulse point and across your collarbone. It would never be enough for him, he would never be able to satisfy his hunger for you no matter how much of your skin his lips could paint. 

The soft whimpers snatched from your lips going straight to his groin, his hips unconsciously canting against your leg that was in perfect alignment. 

“Touch me Carmy…please,” Carmy swore he could cum from the sound of your begging alone.

But he stopped his ministrations, the realization that he had no idea what he was doing hitting him like a ton of bricks. 

You watched as Carmy pulled away from you chest rapidly puffing up and down as the confusion swept across your face. “Carmy?” Your voice trailed off you couldn’t help the hurt you were feeling, here you were sitting atop Carmy’s kitchen counter dress hiked up to your waist the lacy underwear you had chosen to wear in full view, the straps of your dress pulled down precariously low that the top of your areolas was peeking out. 

You quickly adjusted the top of your dress before hopping off the counter and pulling down the hem. Eyes filling with tears as you were brought back to prom night, memories re-playing all the hurt that came after it. 

Carmy’s head shot up from its place in his hands the tears in your waterline and the way you had shrunken into yourself making him feel like a complete fucking asshole.

“Shit no Baby…I-Fuck!” Carmy watched as you jolted a little at the shout of his voice, he was fucking this up more than it already was.

“Hey, hey,” he closed the distance between the two of you, raising his hands to your jaw and forcing you to look at him. “Baby, I-I’m sorry it's just…I don’t,” Carmy took a deep breath trying to gain his bearings. “I’ve never done this stuff before.” 

Carmy’s eyes followed the emotions crossing your face, a frown painting your face before your eyes widened and your lips parted in the shape of an ‘o’. 

“Carmy…have you never been intimate with anyone before?” Carmy knew your question wasn’t teasing or malicious but he couldn’t help feeling embarrassed at having to admit this to you. 

“I uh, you were my first kiss…and my second kiss just now,” Carmy hung his head in shame, blush rising from his neck to stain his cheeks. 

“Oh my goodness I’m such an asshole,” Carmy looked up at you a chuckle escaping him at your declaration. Your hand reached out to rest against his cheek thumb caressing back and forth. “Carmy I thought you were rejecting me.” Now it was your turn to feel shameful, your first thoughts being selfish ones as opposed to waiting to hear Carmy’s explanation. 

Carmy’s hand came up to grip yours on his cheek, head turning to place a soft kiss on your pulse point. “Let’s sit and eat, yeah?” Carmy waited for your response, smiling at you as you nodded. “I wanna spend as much time together as we can.” 

You pulled him into a sweet kiss, his hands squeezing your waist at the feeling of being able to freely kiss you “I’d like that.” You pulled away the two of you sharing bright smiles as you moved to have the dinner Carmy had so lovingly planned out.

Neither of you pointed out the fact that things would be coming to an end for you two tomorrow, but you’d bask in this loving atmosphere for all the remaining time you two had together. 

You could feel soft lips pressing into the space behind your left ear, your first instinct was worry. Confused by the warm body pressed into you from behind strong arms gripping your waist as though you would disappear at a moment's notice. The memories of the last day with Carmy led you to relax.

A quiet sniffle finally woke you up enough, your eyes opening to the dimly lit room. A familiar head of hair tucked snuggly into your neck, and slight huffs of breaths could be heard.

“Carmy?” The raspiness of your morning voice echoed around the room, you could hear the breathing quiet down a bit, concern spiking in you. 

You began turning wanting to comfort the man you had been in love with for most of your life, it was a struggle as the arms around you tightened but you finally turned to your side Carmy burying his face in your t-shirt-clad chest.

“Carmy, honey,” the lack of response was beginning to worry you, you had shared your fair share of cries with Carmy throughout your friendship but considering the circumstances that brought you together this time around, you couldn’t help but freak out a bit. “Hey, hey look at me yeah?”

“I-I just need a minute please.” The crack of Carmy’s voice went straight to your heart. He maneuvered so the top of his body was laying on your chest and stomach, his lower body settling gently between your legs. 

You leaned forward pressing a lingering kiss to his head before lying back down and slowly stroking your fingers through his hair, wanting to make him as comfortable in this moment as you could. You were content to hold him all day if that’s what he needed.

The two of you laid like that for a while, Carmy’s breathing and sniffling calming down after a few minutes. You watched as Carmy propped himself up on his elbows, pressing a small kiss into the fabric of your shirt over your stomach, a small smile rising to your lips as you watched him.

“Talk to me, Carm?” You watched as he looked up to you, pretty blue eyes swollen from the tears he’d been shedding. 

Carmy moved up a little resting his cheek against your sternum arms wrapped tightly around you, “Uhh, Sug called, said Mikey left something for me.” 

It was quiet as you let his words sink in, a shuddering sigh leaving you as your hands unconsciously began running back through Carmy’s hair. 

You felt Carmy’s hand slip under the shirt of his you were borrowing, fingers gliding across the skin of your stomach lazily tracing circles. The small gesture helped to relax you a bit.

“Did she say anything else?” Your fingernails softly scratched into Carmy’s scalp, the two of you trying to touch each other as much as you possibly could.

Carmy’s chuckle drew your attention, “She uh, asked me to come home.”

Your nails stopped for a minute before you started up again, heart jumping a little in your chest at the idea of Carmy coming back to Chicago, “Are you…going to go home?” The hope in your voice borders on desperation.

Carmy was silent for a moment, hands moving to lift your shirt just underneath your breast before he placed his warm cheek back in its previous position. The news skin-on-skin contact sends chills through both of you. 

“Everything with Mikey kinda made me think about us.” Carmy’s thumb came up, to caress against your rib, dangerously close to your breast. “It just kind of puts into perspective that the people you care about can be here one day…and gone the next.”

The avoidance of your original question was not lost on you, but Carmy opening up may have been better than whatever argument the initial qualm might impose. 

“Baby I-,” you looked at Carmy as he adjusted his position one hand resting against your sternum, his chin plopping onto it. “I um.” He stopped, you followed his movements watching as his eyes closed and he took a deep breath.

“For a while, I’ve known that I feel something for you, but I-I don’t think I can give you what you want.” Your hand slipped from his hair to cup his cheek, hanging on to every word leaving his lips.

Carmy leaned into the palm of your hand, letting himself melt into your touch, cherishing the few moments he had left with you. “And I can’t promise any commitment after today.” The rapid beating of Carmy’s chest could be felt on your stomach, the crack in his voice raising a small smile to your lips. 

You sat up in bed. Carmy looked up at you as you held his chin in your hand, thumb softly tracing his lips as you committed his features to memory. The tiny scars marring his face, the few beauty marks dotted around, connecting them would create a new constellation you swore you’d remember forever. 

Carmy was honest with you, and that’s all you asked of him. Neither of you could promise each other a happy ending after you parted ways and while that hurt, it didn’t make sense to ruin the remaining time the two of you had left dwelling on the future.

“Carmen,” you waited for him to lock eyes with you, a sad smile spread across your features, tears you could no longer hold back coming forth. “I know.” 

Carmy’s lips pressed into your thumb before he gently cupped your neck and reached up so your lips connected. This was only the third kiss the two of you shared, but the intangible love and intimacy that could be felt through the single press of your lips would never dwindle, not for as long as the two of you surrounded yourself with each other.

He raised to his knees both hands entrapping your face, all his passion being poured into this one kiss. Carmy was slightly above you now, the angle forcing you to raise your head to stay connected. His thumb began unconsciously caressing the ‘B’ behind your left ear, a small part of you that had stuck with him ever since he discovered it five years ago.

The kiss intensified as you slipped your tongue between his lips, hands gripping onto his hips as he towered above you in this position. Your tongue moved languidly inside his mouth, small noises escaping the both of you.

Carmy pulled the hair at the nape of your neck, the motion removing your lips from his. “Did you mean what you said?” His breath left him in a huff.

“What?” You were slightly out of breath yourself, confused at what the hell Carmy was on about. 

“What you said about this,” his thumb swiped back and forth against the ‘B’ inked into your skin. “Would you take my last name?” 

You bit your lip, eyes lidded as you searched Carmy’s face, hand moving to grip his soft chin between your forefinger and thumb raising onto your knees so the two of you were eye level.

“Would you like that Carmen? If I let you give me your last name?” A patronizing smile graced your lips, the air between you charged. 

Carmy surged forward hungry for a taste of you, his hands gripped your hair to tug on it a strangled gasp leaving you. The strength with which Carmy took your lips into his forcing your back into the mattress beneath you two, his body hovering over yours. 

Your hand left its place on his chin sliding down to his shoulders caressing the little skin his tank top allowed you to feel. Hands traveling across his chest, the feeling of his toned body under your palms making you needy. You finally made it to the hem of his shirt tugging it up to give you access to the warm skin of his torso.

Carmy parted from you, snatching the shirt over his head before diving back in. Lips leading him to his favorite feature of yours. Your hands wrapped around his shoulders pulling him flush against you, Carmy’s lips ravished your neck as he nipped from your jawline down to your pulse point, teeth sinking in a bit harder.

“Fuck Carmy.” The delicious feeling of Carmen's body against yours, his lips exploring you, hands gripping the skin of your revealed waist. All of it led to the thrust of your hips up into his, it was selfish but you needed him, not that you would force him but whatever he would give you would have to be enough.

Carmy’s sharp intake of breath drew your attention as his hips relentlessly ground into you, hand wandering up your shirt to cup your breast thumb accidentally tracing your nipple. 

Your loud gasp alarmed him. He quickly parted from you saliva connected your lips together as you both took in each other’s disheveled appearances.

“Did I-did I do something wrong?” Sweet Carmy worried that he had ruined the moment. 

You sat up rapidly shaking your head as you stared into his eyes, the both of you breathing heavily, “No, no it was great I promise.”

Carmy nodded gently tracing your jawline as he looked at you, “Baby…I want this moment with you.” The mumble made your heart race, this was a big deal it would change whatever this relationship between the two of you was. 

“Carmy…we don’t have to do anything you aren’t ready for.” You searched his eyes hoping he didn’t feel pressured by the noises you were making.

“Have you…done this before?” Carmy forced himself to keep looking at you regardless of the blush he could feel painting his cheeks.

The small nod you gave relieved him a bit, “Does that bother you?” You didn’t think Camry would mind but you knew the male species could be unpredictable. 

“God no, I just don’t wanna disappoint you.” He finally looked away from you embarrassed to have admitted something so personal. 

“You won’t.” You sent him a small smile before guiding his hands to the hem of your shirt helping him to pull it over your head. Watching his beautiful face take in everything you had to offer him. 

His throat bobbed as he took in a large gulp, you could see the uncertainty in his eyes, proving you’d have to take the reins on this one, not that you minded. The thought of telling Carmy how to pleasure you warmed you up even more. 

Your finger reached out to lift Carmy’s chin, directing his eyes to yours, “What do you want to do to me, Carmen?” 

You watched as he blinked eyes tracing your figure, “I just wanna appreciate you, Baby.” The words left his lips in a whisper.

You were taken aback never having heard that before while being intimate. His hands slowly settled on your waist, the safest option “How should I…do that.”

You smiled moving one of his hands to cup your breast, shuddering at the skin-to-skin contact, “We can start with kissing, then I want you to do whatever feels right okay?”

Carmy nodded, giving your breast a slight squeeze a whimper drawing out of you, taking account of your reaction he gently began rubbing his thumb across your pebbled nipple watching your body writhe at the small action. 

He leaned forward pressing a gentle kiss into your forehead, lips moving to your left cheek then your right. A small kiss pressed into each of your closed eyelids and the tip of your nose. Each corner of your lips got its turn before his lips found the space between your nose and upper lip. One more kiss pressed into your chin before finally ending with a sweet kiss to your lips, cherishing every inch of your face he had kissed.

Carmy made his way to your jawline, starting at the right side and tracing to your left, nipping every so often as he continued his journey. Lips slowly tracing from your jawline to your neck, he wasn’t sure what it was but seeing your neck on display for him made him feral, his hips grinding into your as he decorated your neck in love bites. 

“Lay down f’me.” You eagerly listened watching as Carmy planted another soft kiss into your lips before following the map of your collarbones. Lips pressing into your upper chest as both hands came up to softly knead your breast. 

You could feel Carmy’s hard-on pressing against you, as much as you were enjoying this, all you wanted in the world was to finally please Carmy. You slipped your hand between your bodies sliding into the waistband of his boxers, hand gripping him as a strangled moan parted his lips. The soft caress of your hand against him caused his head to spin, this felt different from the times he would stroke himself thinking about you.

“Does this feel good, Carmy?” Your voice was a little deeper, more sensual as you questioned him. “Do you wish it was me making you cum on those lonely nights, hmm?

“Fuck…yes.” The whine of his voice went straight to your core, spurring you on more. 

Your strokes became a little firmer, applying more pressure to provide him more pleasure. His length twitched against your palm the more you rubbed. Carmy had lost all sense of his own ministrations grinding into your hand while still on top of you, he could feel himself close to ecstasy the feel of your warm body underneath him making him lose all control.

“Ba-Baby stop.” You froze immediately forcing your hormones under wrap, Carmy’s comfortability your priority. 

“Are you okay Carm?” The worry in your voice was obvious as you removed your hand from its grip on him. 

“Ye-yeah, I just want to please you right now.” Carmy’s hand moved to grip your rib cage thumb running back and forth against your under boob, “Can I continue showing my appreciation.” The slight desperation in his voice caused you to rapidly nod your head. 

Carmy gave you a small shy smile, moving to kiss the spot he had been tracing during this time. His lips painted across your whole torso, paying extra attention to your stomach, ideas he wasn’t ready to give merit to racing through his mind as he did so.

Finally, he paused at your hips, the solid cotton panties you wore obscured his path, nose caressing the front of your panties as he took in a deep breath allowing your aroma to invade his senses. “Are you going to take off my panties, Carmy?” The condescending tone in your voice went straight to his throbbing cock.

He nodded, wasting no time in peeling the fabric from its home around your hips, ready to replace it with his bare hands. Carmy raised to his haunches, unconsciously licking his lips at the sight of your naked body sprawled so prettily across his bed. All of you on show just for him.

Carmy returned to his previous task lips pressing wet delicate kisses into each of your hips bones, a lingering one placed at the base of your pelvis before turning his attention to your thighs. Lips trailing down your leg special attention paid to the crook of your knees and ankles. 

Carmy’s eyes found yours as he placed the last kiss on your right ankle, both of your pupils blown from the sequence of events that had just taken place. 

You beckoned Carmy forward urging him to find you once again. As he drew closer you grabbed one of his hands placing it on your right breast before moving it down so it caressed the rest of your torso, and down your pelvis finally stopping before the place you needed his touch most.

This was your way of giving him an out, the two of you could stop right here if he wanted to, the slight nod of his head told you otherwise. 

Your grip on his hand changed as you grabbed his forefinger and middle finger, your free hand parting your lower lips as you traced his fingers through your slick, a filthy moan escaping into the bedroom as Carmy’s calloused fingers finally stroked you.

“Do you feel that Carmy?” He nodded his head, eyes not leaving yours for a minute. “It's all for you, you made me feel this good.” 

You moved his fingers lower watching his face as you glided his two fingers into you, biting your lower lip at the hunger in you that was finally being tended to.

Carmy’s mouth fell open as he watched the ecstasy wash over your face, lost in the feeling of touching you in the most intimate way he had ever touched anyone before. His head dropped, eyes watching as you slowly swallowed his fingers, in and out the movement making him achingly hard. 

Carmy’s lips dropped to your ear a shy whisper caressing your ear, “I want to be inside you.” The vulnerability in Carmy’s voice caused you to bite your lip, satisfied that he was finally speaking up about what he wanted. 

“You are.” You teased him, clenching around his digits as his eyes drank you in.

You let out a whine as he removed his fingers from your grip, hand pressing your hip into the bed as he stared you down. “Please…I want this…with you.” The words unsaid weighing heavily between you two.  

“Are you sure that’s what you want?” You watched as he slipped out of his boxers, stroking himself as you watched and waited for your instructions. You motioned for him to lay atop you more noses brushing as he got into position, “I’ll guide you, but I need you to go slow okay, it’ll be a tight fit.” 

Carmy nodded his head, neither of you daring to ask about any contraception too lost in the thoughts of finally connecting in ways the two of you had only dreamed of.

You would come to regret the consequences of this decision later.

A smile split your lips before you surged up to capture Carmy’s lips, needing to distract yourself.

You guided him to your entrance only allowing the tip to go in to not overwhelm Carmy. Your mouth fell open in the shape of an ‘o’ as Carmy eagerly thrust into you, your hand raised to his shoulder to stop his movements.

“Carm, slowly, please.” His eyes met yours taking in the slight pain that his intrusion had caused, he nodded hand raising to cup your cheek.

“You look so beautiful like this.” A tender moment was shared between the two of you as you urged Carmy to continue his journey, shuddered moans escaping the both of you as he reached the hilt.

The feeling of finally being full with Carmy made you emotional, both of you just taking a moment to gaze at each other. Appreciating the finality of this all, Carmy leaned down to kiss a tear running down your cheek that escaped, his own eyes welling up, neither of you could find the right words to cement how much this moment meant to the two of you.

Carmy pulsed inside you the movement caused you to clench around him, “You did so good for me Carmy.” The praise went straight to his cock, eyes rolling back at how good a few words made him feel. 

“Can you move for me, Carm, it’ll make us both feel good.” The soft thrust of his hips was enough for you. 

He continued the slow motion of his hips, eyes connected with yours as the ghost of those three words he struggled to say filtered between the two of you. Your hand raised to wipe the single tear sliding down his cheek.

Nothing in the world could take this moment from the two of you. If Aphrodite could tell the story of your love she would describe it as a tangible heartbreaking thing always growing, and most times fleeting. Something both you and Carmy could touch, feel, and breathe. The love filtering between the two of you was clear as day to anyone who had a heart. 

The warm muscular hand pressed into the flesh of your hip bone driving you crazy. The fingers pressed into you harder and harder with each accompanying thrust. One hand pressed into the pillow by your head keeping the body atop of you from crushing you under its weight. You appreciated the cautionary position, but you had longed for this connection for what felt like ages and you would gladly welcome the weight of the perspiring chest burying you further into the mattress.

A golden gleam caught your eye taking you away from how the tattooed knuckles flexed against your hip every few seconds. You looked to see his golden chain dangling back and forth above your face, taunting you. The sway of the metal matched the rocking motion of his hips, the synchronicity of the two things driving you absolutely wild. Eyes concentrated on the gold chain it was almost like a switch was flipped in you and the catalyst was that fucking gold chain.

Your eyes moved to his face, his pupils blown wide as he stared down at you. You parted your lips his intense gaze causing you to clench down on him unconsciously, his eyes rolling back as his hand left its spot on your hip traveling up your torso thumb softly brushing over your nipple as it found its destination cupping your cheek with such intensity you were sure the shape of his thumb would be imprinted onto your jaw.

His eyes found yours once more, his thumb moving a few inches to softly caress your bottom lip. Your mouth opened on instinct to leisurely suck on his digit a hoarse ‘Fuck’ leaving the warm body that was making you feel so good. You released his thumb, feeling it tug at your bottom lip as his hand found its way back to your cheek.

You watched him above you, the ecstasy in his eyes warming your skin, you’d do anything to be able to please him if he always looked at you in that way. The flash of gold from his chain caught your attention again, the angle of his thrust causing you to gasp, a softly whispered moan of “Carmy,” leaving your lips. Carmy’s chain hovered above your open mouth begging to be taken between your teeth, you appeased your desires, your tongue latching onto the chain as you brought it to settle between your teeth. Carmy’s hips fucking into you at a slightly faster pace, your leg wrapping around his waist the heel of your foot pressing into his back to bring the two of you impossibly closer. 

“Fuck-Baby, shit!” Watching Carmy struggle for words had never been as sexy as it was at that moment. Knowing that you were the cause of his incoherent muttering. 

“Please, Carmy,” another gasp ripped through you, your teeth losing hold of Carmy’s signature gold chain. “Mmm yes, Carmen. Just like that.” You settled for whispering in his ear, the new position you had chosen had his head resting against your collarbone, his ear directly next to your mouth. You could feel Carmy’s hand moving from your cheek to clench your jaw between his thumb and remaining fingers. His hand moved your head to reveal your neck the feeling of soft wet kisses making a path to your ear, Carmy’s thrust slowing slightly.

You could feel his breath against your cheek, the soft whine he let out as your cunt clenched around him. His lips pressed against the shell of your ear, “Say that again.” His rough voice traveled through you, the thumping of your clit beating faster and faster.

“Just like that.” You moaned wanting to please him as much as he wanted to please you. 

His fingers dug into your chin, the roughness of his touch causing a high-pitched moan to leave your lips. “Sa-say my name?” The request made your head spin.

“Carm-,” Carmy’s hand returned to its earlier position holding himself above you causing your leg to drop back to the bed.

“N-no,” the strain in his voice was evident as he tilted your head down to stare directly into your eyes. “M-my name sa-say it. Please.” 

You bit your lip his whiny plea going straight to your clit. Your hand reachesdup to match his fingers gripping his chin firmly. Your blown pupils searching his wide doe eyes. It was hard to distinguish where the blue began and the black ended. Your faces were inches apart, you could tell from his breathing that your grip on his chin stirred something inside him. The soft rocking of his hips into yours caused your bottom lips to caress each other in the rhythm he had set.

“Carmen.” The syllables of his name left your mouth in a wanton moan, there was a moment where the thrusting of Carmy’s hips came to a slow stop before he surged forward and messily captured your lips in a kiss full of tongues and moans. Carmy’s hips began rutting into yours, the speed and intensity sending you both into a spiral. Your hand lost its grip on his chin to slither between your bodies matching Carmy’s pace and applying it to your clit. 

The grip on your chin was gone as Carmy’s hand followed the path yours had previously taken sending a soft squeeze to your breast. “Te-teach me how.” God you could’ve cum from that sentence alone. You began rapidly nodding your head before placing your hand atop his own guiding his index and middle finger into generously massaging your clit. 

“Car-Carmen, don’t stop please don’t stop.” Your voice leaves you in a sharp cry.

“Yeah? Is this good?” Your unabashed moan did more to answer Carmy’s question than any words could.

“Carmeee, I’m gonna come, please.” The banging of the headboard against the wall an indication of just how fast Carmy was thrusting into you.

“Whe-where should I-,” You could hear the slight panic in Carmy’s voice, assuming he was on the cusps of an orgasm as well.

“In me Carmy jus- all of it.” His fingers pressed into your clit going at a pace your brain couldn’t keep up with.

The speed of Carmy’s breathing increased. His head finding its way back into the crook of your neck, lips scattering kisses across your neck, “I’ll give it to you all. M’ gonna give you everything.” The sound of Carmen’s voice so quiet you weren’t sure if he had intended anyone else’s ears to hear it.

Whatever Carmen’s intentions his words were the last thing you needed to hear before bliss took over your senses. Your orgasm washed over you in waves, the intensity causing loud moans to escape your lips, clenching Carmy’s cock so hard you were sure it must’ve been painful. 

Riding the high of your orgasm, Carmen’s deep drawn-out groan vibrated into your neck as you felt him give two final rapid thrusts before the dam he had been holding back finally burst inside you. You felt his thrust slow down as he began peppering kisses across your face, “Thank you, thank you.” His voice trailed off into a whisper before his full body weight settled into you.

Now that the bed was no longer threatening to put a hole through his wall, the only sound filling the bedroom was the panting breaths you and Carmy were letting out.

Carmy looked up at you, the wetness on his cheeks matching yours. His forehead leaned against yours the vulnerability the two of you had for each other on full show. Breaths of love were shared between you as your lips gently touched. You knew the words you wanted to say at this moment, felt them so deep in your soul that your tears wouldn’t cease their downpour.

But you also knew how flighty the beautiful man in front of you was, it hurt but you would once again have to swallow your love for this man to ensure he remained in your life.

You laughed as Carmy hovered atop of you the Polaroid he gifted you in his hands the device raised to his eye. Your arm was thrown over your face the fact that the two of you were in this position at all still mind blowing . Carmy nudged your arm, he had been snapping photos of you for a while now, both of you ignoring the fact that he should have been getting ready for work instead of laying with your naked body barely covered under him. 

“Show me that smile, pretty girl,” you slowly moved your arm, the smile splitting your face hard to control. “You seem to like my chain so much, I want to remember what you look like in it.” Carmy could be devilish when he wanted to, the way he would sometimes gain confidence and say what was on his mind, throwing you for a loop.

Your eyes left the camera in his hand as you stared at his face, so enchanted with who Carmy was as a person. Only being jolted out of your trance as the Polaroid fluttered out of the camera and landed on the center of your chest. 

Carmy moved the camera smiling down at you before picking up the photo and examining it, the corner of his lips ticking up in a half smile. He placed the picture on the other pillow where all the other Polaroids were sprawled out. You watched as he set the camera down next to your head cupping your jaw before leaning down and pressing a firm kiss into your forehead a mumbled ‘Perfect’ escaped his lips. 

“Will you take a picture with me Carmy,” your words came out shyly hoping he would agree. You felt his nose nuzzle into your neck planting a small kiss on your tattoo before moving to lay next to you in the bed. 

You reached over to plant a soft kiss on his cheek before grabbing the camera from its spot by your head. You raised it watching as the soft smile graced Carmy’s face, your eyes not wanting to leave the perfect view of his side profile that you had fallen in love with, finger accidentally slipping, the sound of the camera shutter filled the space between you too.

Carmy pulled the photo out waiting for it to develop as he looked in your direction. A wide grin took over his face just by looking at you, your hand began lowering the camera before his hand shot out and raised your hand, and the camera back up quickly pressing your finger into the button to capture this moment in time. 

You let him grab the camera from your hands before he placed it on the nightstand, once again holding your face in place as the two of you shared your softest kiss yet. 

— — — —

You watched as Carmy maneuvered around his room slipping into a clean pair of chef whites, he was late and you could tell he was panicking on the inside but didn’t want to worry you. The two of you had wasted away in the shower washing each other's bodies and holding each other under the hot spray of water. Neither of you wanted to leave the confines of the shower, knowing your time together was finally expiring.

You sat on the bed with your legs pulled up to your chest, chin resting atop them, a fresh pair of panties, and his deep green crew neck from last night your only form of clothing. The tension between the two of you had been broken the moment Carmy realized just how behind schedule he was, shoving reality down your throat as the game of pretending the two of you had been playing was finally snuffed out.

Carmy’s eyes landed on you in his rush clocking the glaze of your eyes, head not rationalizing why you might be upset at the moment. Finally gathering all his necessities he rushed over to you kneeling in front of you pressing one last kiss onto your forehead.

“I’ll be home soon, yeah.” You closed your eyes, the words breaking your heart into pieces.

“Yeah, be safe okay?” Carmy smiled, capturing your lips in his for the last time tonight hand cupping the back of your head to hold you in place.

The two of you separated small side smiles mirroring each other, both of you knew that Carmy would return home to an empty apartment tonight, but neither of you would voice that truth. 

You followed him to the front door needing to see him off before your return to Chicago. He opened the door lingering between the door and the hallway hand gripping yours before pressing a soft kiss into the pulse point at your wrist.

You shared small smiles as Carmy made his way to leave, sending you one last wave before he disappeared down the hallway.

Your closed the door, forehead pressing into it as you stood there trying to gain your bearings, doing your best to control your tears as you knew this moment was inevitable.

A soft “I love you, Carmen.” Breathed into the empty apartment soft enough for it to feel like a ghost had whispered those words and not you.

But not quiet enough that the man who returned on the other side of the door missed the declaration. 

Heart thudding in his chest. His hand ready to turn the keys in the doorknob dropped to his side. His feet shuffled backward as he took one last glance at the door before reverting to his journey to work.

He could go one day without his signature chain that he had so lovingly placed around your delicate neck.

a/n: idk what to say really…enjoy : ) [actually no this is my first smut so please let’s learn from carmy’s mistakes and don’t come for me 😉] i’m like the only person on the planet who thinks i’m funny that’s how laughable it is 😭

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