#also you can see that i gave up starting on like the 2nd page of this because i just wanted to finish this

[harmonia-university]

Pretend that its still Halloween please <\3

[ryuryuryuyurboat]

8 letters, 3 words!

synopsis: confessions are tricky.

genre: fluff

characters: lyney x gn! reader

warnings: modern (college) au, reader is referred to in 2nd person, navia + lynette cameo

a/n: hehe hi @ariicandy! i'm your secret admirer for @ecrin-de-litterature's kiss don't tell event :> hope you like this gift hehe happy valentine's!! likes, reblogs and comments highly appreciated!!

©2024 ryuryuryuyurboat. do not repost, translate, plagiarise, or modify in any way, shape or form.

masterlist

“oh my, y/n, you really do have expensive taste.” navia grins at you from across the table. “did you win the lottery, or something?”

you huff. “no, i found them on my table.” the second you open the lid of the (previously) beautifully decorated tin box, the sweet fragrance of macarons wafts into your nostrils— you almost miss the way your friend’s jaw drops as she openly gapes at the treats. 

“what?” 

“you… er, well, do you know what those are?” navia gleefully looks between you and the macarons.

there’s a soft clink as lynette sets down her teacup. “5 bucks they have no clue,” she bets, earning a soft “tsk” from you and a smug navia crossing her arms as she leans back in her chair. 

“of course i do! they’re macarons! hey–” you protest, as navia dissolves into giggles and lynette sighs, “hey– listen, listen, i may have flunked midterms but that doesn’t mean i—stop laughing!—that doesn’t mean i don’t know a sweet treat when i see one, okay!”

lynette leans forward, an odd glint in her eyes. “these aren’t your ordinary macarons, you know. there’s only one bakery that sells them like this, and people queue for hours just so they can get their hands on one of these– they only sell eleven boxes each day, mind you. it’s like you’re saying your louis vuitton is just some random bag you picked off the streets. a single box can quite literally cost you the skin of your a–”

you cut her off. “i think we know what you mean, just take some if you wanna try ‘em, okay?” 

“still, who’d gift you something so expensive?” navia muses, chewing on the lemon macaron she’d nicked while you weren’t looking. 

“probably the same mystery guy who gave me that plushie bouquet the other day, and then those chocolates from yesterday, and also probably that box of pâte de fruits…” you hum in thought, utterly oblivious to your friends’ astounded gazes.

“...y/n, i think you might have a secret admirer.” 

“wha– hey, wait! what was with that tone when you said ‘who’d give me something that pricey’? you tryna say i’m not worth those?!?”

laughter echoes across the empty cafeteria as you lunge at navia and screech something about wanting her to return the macaron. none of you notice the pair of periwinkle eyes fixed on your figure from afar.

—

“ooooh, does someone have a secret admirer~?” navia peeks over your shoulder at the white envelope lying innocently on your desk. “y’know,” she continues, unfazed by your side-eye, “if it’s the same guy that got you those macarons, maybe you should consider getting–”

“shut up,” you grumble, feeling your ears heat up, “i don’t even know who gave me all these.” 

“do people not normally sign their names somewhere?”

“just the initials.” you unfold the enclosed paper, pointing to the very bottom, where the letters LS were printed. “who’s that supposed to be? lonely spirit?”

you don’t see a certain someone’s eyes dim when you don’t bother reading the letter and shove the envelope into your bag.

—

13 february. 7 days since you started receiving letters. 7 days since you got your first plushie bouquet (how the sender knew your favourite blooms and even your favourite character was a mystery you had yet to solve). and 1 day before valentine’s. 

the letter you got today was way simpler than the flowery words that filled the pages from before:

3 boxes, 8 letters. think you’ll be able to figure it out, ma chérie? that’s the key to your last gift.

(hint: the way each letter starts is important. good luck♡)

“the way each letter starts?” lynette shrugs, “no idea. probably something like the first letter of the first word.”

“lynette,” you begin, “you’re a genius!”

one problem, though. you only received 5 letters. oh, well, didn’t hurt to try, right?

“let’s see…” you lay out the letters on the table, trying hard to ignore the contents that made you blush so furiously in the safety of your bedroom. “u, l, v, o, i, e…” you mutter, before navia gives you a light shove.

“no way it’s taking you so long, isn’t it already so obvious?”

“???”

“rearrange the letters—where’s my pen— and what do you get?”

you stare mutely at the letters. “...i love u.” you read, before you’re hit with a realisation.

“wait– boxes are containers, and then words are like containers for letters– and then, and then… and then i love you makes up eight letters in three letters! i’m a genius!”

“if you’re such a genius, you should’ve noticed a certain someone staring at you.” lynette nods at a point behind you, “go get your man, y/n. i don’t wanna hear complaints about being single for valentine’s.”

you turn– and there stood lyney snezhevich, in all his glory, a bouquet in his hand. he offers you an apprehensive smile as he extends his arms for you to accept the flowers—your final gift— and averts his eyes. 

“seems you’ve managed to crack the code, ma chérie. now, then, if you hadn’t known from the letters… will you be my valentine?”

taglist: @yinyinggie @lynyluvr @kazemiya @meidnightrain @thexianzhoujade @dailypenpen (send ask to be added to taglist!)

if you liked this, do consider dropping me a follow for more :>

[angelliicc]

signal

“i send you a sign, send you a signal

but it doesn't work at all”

a/n: hey guys im back again. enjoy because this is based off of a real life story to me :)

warnings: none

masterlist

| your team jumped for joy, forming a circle. “WE’RE GOING TO CHAMPIONSHIPS!!” you all exclaimed. the playoffs were a very close game, your team winning by a point yesterday. tears of joy filled the gym when you all realized you were going to the finals game.

“wanna watch the next game to see who we’re playing tomorrow?” coach asked.

“sure.” your team replied. you climbed up the bleachers sitting in the middle. you sat next to your friend, just as about it was tip off. you had no idea which schools they were. they were just yellow vs. black to you. the first half was quite boring, so you scrolled on your phone. halftime ended and it was the start of the 3rd quarter.

black was in possession of the ball until a girl from the yellow team stole it and made a wide open layup. woah. you thought to yourself. shes good. really good.

you couldnt take her eyes off of her. the way she played, her defense, her handles, her height, everything. you were admiring her from afar. you can finally see the back of her jersey. 14, williams.

you received a pamphlet of all the schools and players who were eligible to playoffs. you grabbed yours and flipped the pages quickly, looking for a williams.

“#14, ellie williams, point guard.” ellie huh? you thought to yourself.

the game eventually ended, with ellie and her school winning. meaning you were playing her tomorrow evening.

“im so scared, nervous, and excited.” you tell dina at school.

“im sure you guys will be fine! you have an undefeated season!” dina replied.

“i have a feeling we might lose. they’re really good and tall.” you said

“im sure everything will be fine, good luck tonight tho!” dina spoke

“thanks, i need it.” you joked back.

school ended at 3, the game was at 7. you had to get ready quickly since the play you were playing at wasn’t close. you brought your gym bag and water bottle and jumped into the car.

you were the first one there, with tons of emotions flowing through your body. you had a mental breakdown yesterday since you didn’t play to your expectations, which resulted into your mom scolding you. you wanted to make sure you played your best today.

more and more people arrived, parents, athletes, coaches, anyone. the gym was divided, half being in pink to support you and the others being in yellow to support your opponents.

tip off was in 5 minutes, you weren’t a starter, but you understood. your emotions were trying to get the best of you, but you tried to stop it. your coach gave you and your teammates some advice and where everyone should go, then the buzzer rang.

“on the court lets go!” the ref shouted. you sat down on the bench, watch the ball fly up in the air, then one of your teammates swinging it to your team.

“is ellie starting?” you thought to yourself. you didn’t see her on the court, but found her on the bench, watching eagerly just like you were.

2nd quarter had arrived, 15-24. you were losing. “you, go.” the co-coach told you. you got up, making sure your shoes had grip and ran on the court. you saw ellie was also playing. a foul got called against your team, so an opponent got 2 free throws. you were waiting on the 1st one.

“what are you doing? get ready!” coach scolded. when the opposing team got the rebound, coach called a timeout.

“you, take a charge on #14 if you can. shes too tall and drives fast.” coach ordered

“but who will the foul get called against?” you questioned.

“she will, shes in foul trouble.”

but before he can even explain more, reg blew the whistle, ordering everyone to get on the court. her team now had the ball. you tried your best to take a charge, but chickened out. coach subed you out. that was the only time you played.

it was a close game, but the other team started to give out towards the 4th quarter. your team took advantage of that. less than a minute left. shot clock. 52-48. your team had possession of the ball. there was 6 seconds left. ball up in the air, and it was a good. a 3 pointer made with 6 seconds left.

your team were champions. an undefeated record, the first in your schools history. you and your team gather outside to do an “undefeated” chant. all of a sudden, you see ellie in tears. you walk up to her, trying your best to comfort her. “hey, good game out there. you played good.” you said, attempting to cheer her up. all she could do was nod.

a few days later, you couldn’t stop thinking about ellie. “why can’t i get her out of my head?” you asked yourself. its like she owned your mind, and she was the only thing in it. you had no choice but to find her online, somehow.

you figured out the schools name, and decided to check the following list on it on instagram, when you see her username with a profile picture that looks exactly like her. “oh shit, its ellie. should i follow?” you ask yourself “you know what. fuck it.”

you pressed that blue follow button. next moment, your phone buzzed. she followed you back. it was like you were on cloud 9.

you went through her stories, seeing that she plays volleyball. you decided to dm her saying who you were, and that you played against her.

r: “hey, are you one of the players from the championship game?”

e: “yes, are you one of our opponents?”

r: “yup, i just wanted to say like your really fucking good i saw your semi-final game on sunday you killed it.”

e: “thank you so much omg you are rlly good too. i saw you guys play at the finals game. you are rlly good.”

r: “thank you, how long have you been playing?”

e: “7 years, wbu?”

r: “technically 2, i player when i was younger and i play now. i played volleyball for the first time this year, it was interesting.”

e: “vb is amazing. why, what happened?”

you then told her the unnecessary drama that happened at that time. it was definitely an experience.

r: “i wanna join club vb but its so expensive”

e: “fr like thousands of dollars to hit a ball over a net?”

r: “there’s a club near my city, but they want $6k”

e: “jesus, for hitting balls?”

r: “exactly! i can do it for free at my house”

you both then continued to talk about club volleyball, until you mentioned her volleyball videos. god she was amazing, you can see her going pro one day. she complimented you for your kind gesture. you both talked about how you can go against each other in the future again.

the next couple of days, you were contemplating weather or not to try out for club vb, so you texted ellie about it.

r: “hey ellie, i kinda wanna try out for volleyball. do you have any tips or what to expect?”

e: “theres gonna be passing, hitting, and serving. just keep practicing those.”

the conversation continued until it was getting late, and you both stopped responding to each other.

over the summer, you kept throwing hints to her how you liked her. you were head over heels for her, but you didn’t know if she liked you. you went complete stalker mode, looking at her reposts. you put songs on your story that reminded you of her. you replied to her stories and her notes, but she just didn’t get it.

over time, you made it to her close friends list. you felt like you won the lottery. you told dina and jesse about this crush, but they weren’t supportive.

“you can do better.” jesse commented

“first of all, what the fuck? and second, shes cute and a good baller.” you replied.

“i don’t think she likes you, sorry.” dina said. “shes friendzoning you. you’re the one always texting her first, replying to her, etc. i think you need to stop.”

“and what if i don’t?” you questioned.

“you’re gonna get your hopes up, all for nothing. don’t let her break your heart.” jesse added.

from then on, the signals you sent her died down. you didn’t text her as often as you did. you replied to her stories only rarely. you were forced to fall out of love.

i give you a glance and keep throwing hints

but you don’t understand

[iamasimperyk]

Hiiii can you do a valentines day fic with rafe x reader where she mames him a book of how they got together and how she felt using pages of her diary ?

Thank youuuuu

Ispo vid: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGeBcyGCj/

Hii, I am so sorry that I didn’t finish your request yesterday but I had an English exam today and couldn’t write. I still hope you like what I have done with your request, even if it’s the 15th.💕

Be my Valentine

Warnings: Fluff, Not proof-read, English is not my first language

Pairing: Rafe Cameron x reader

It was yours and Rafe's first Valentine's Day together, and you wanted to make him the most special gift he ever got.

For a few days, you worked on a little book. A book that should show Rafe how much you loved him. There were pictures, little notes, tickets from various occasions, and even a few pages of your diary.

Everything was perfect, and you couldn't wait to hand your present to your boyfriend.

————

Finally, it was February 14th. Rafe insisted on taking you out to a fancy restaurant. He even bought you a new dress with matching shoes. Just like all the other times, he spent so much money on you—too much money.

Suddenly, you felt a little embarrassed about the fact that all you had for him was a book.

"Thank you for the evening, Rafe, and all the gifts." You smiled up at him as the two of you entered your room.

"You deserve a lot more, princess." He kissed your lips, placing his hands on your waist before he pulled you towards him.

After a few minutes of making out, you took a step back, earning a frown from Rafe.

"I also have something for you. It didn't cost me a fortune, but I hope you like it." You mumbled shyly, taking the book out of your bedside table.

As you handed him the book, his eyes widened a little. No one ever took the time to make something so personal for him.

"Thank you, princess. Thank you so fucking much." His voice was slightly cracking.

"I love you," You smiled.

"I love you more." He answered, kissing you once again.

After you pulled away, you spoke quickly, "Open the book. I want to see your reaction."

"Always so impatient." He chuckled before he finally opened the book you made him with all the love you could give.

Dear, Diary June 6th

I met a boy today, his name is Rafe. He was quite nice to me, but I know what people on the island say about him. They say he is a psycho, but I don't know if I should believe such rumors. It doesn't matter anyway. I will probably never talk to him again.

Love, Y/n

That was the first entry you ever made about him, and he couldn't help but smile. He thanked the universe every day that he got you in his life.

Then he looked at all the pages that were covered with little notes he gave you, pictures of the two of you, and all sorts of memorabilia.

He smiled to himself and started to read the next diary entries.

Dear Diary, August 20th

I am going on a date with Rafe. I can't believe it. Me, Y/n, going on a date with the famous Rafe Cameron. I am so excited. He said he would take me to the mainland. I have never been there, but I am sure it's awesome.

See you soon, Y/n

Dear Diary, August 23rd

The date was amazing. Rafe took me to an expensive restaurant, even if I told him not to spend so much money on me. I guess Rafe is a little stubborn when it comes to that.

Love, Y/n

Dear diary, September 2nd

Oh my god. I just had my first kiss with Rafe fucking Cameron. I am so happy right now. We were at the beach, watched the sunset, and then it just happened.

Y/n

Dear Diary, October 30th

Rafe and I are officially together now. Yesterday, I met his family. They were really nice to me, I hope they like me. After we went to bed that day, I suddenly heard him whisper, 'I love you'. He still thinks I was asleep, but I heard it. I think I love him too.

Love Y/n

"You heard that?" He chuckled, shaking his head.

You couldn't help but smile, "I could never miss one of your 'I love you's."

[somewhereincairparavel]

okay. So I've finished book 1 of keeper of the lost cities for the first time. And I'm loving this keefe dude already?? Like I never thought I'd like a fictional character so quickly. All it took was like one page for me to fall for him, I am aware that keefe is one of the most loved characters in the fandom, and I can see why (correct me if I'm wrong).

Also the book is a solid 9.5/10, the only thing I was frustrated about was probably the slight info dumping about the whole blackswan thing towards the end? because it took me like 3 reads to understand the whole situation, of course, we could just narrow it down to me being slow too, lol. But I'm VERY excited to continue reading the rest. So while we're at it, I'll put in my first impressions of the characters, so I can look back on it after I've read all the books, to see how much my perception has changed of them.

Sophie- i like her, she's really mature for her age, I keep forgetting that she's like 12 lmao. But she's well written, her emotions seem very raw and natural. Of course, she may seem overpowered but, I think that's the whole point of the story, she is supposed to be overpowered, so I don't mind and i wouldn't call her a Mary sue. Overall great protagonist, my girlie deserves a break tho, she got dumped in the hospital atleast 6 times lol.

Fitz- i actually think he's cool. I liked him better in the beginning of the story tho, I feel like afterwards, the dude kinda just disappeared a little? Keefe and Sophie seemed to have more private interaction than those two, and keefe literally only came by in the middle. But yeah, I feel like he had more of a personality in the start. Keefe and Dex, in my opinion had more personality in 5 minutes than fitz did the whole book, but I wouldn't judge so quickly, it's only the first book after all, Hopefully he'd have more page time in the later books. I still like him tho, just not as much as keefe.

Dex- Yeah he is such a typical best friend, I love him. His beef w the vackers is so funny lol I was relieved when Sophie stuck with him even after she became popular tho, also, he seems to have a crush on sophie right? It's kinda obvious, but overall friendship goals 10/10. I vocally "AWW-ed" after he said "are you kidding, i can't wait to tell everyone that you're my first friend" like I need a guy bestie like him :(

Alden- honestly, my heart warmed so much with his father-like dynamic with sophie tbh. He seemed to genuinely care about her well being, but I don't want to get too attached to him tho, just in case becomes a traitor or some shit later on, you can literally never tell with the adults lol. I've read enough books to back that up. But yeah, i really like him and della, the amount of reassuring hugs he gives sophie really heals me :(, They're like sophies 2nd (well, in her case, 3rd) parents. The amount of effort and lengths Alden put to get her out of trouble is actually sweet.

Elwin- This guy is such a W. He is like an adult keefe tbh. He is probably my favorite adult so far lol.

Cassius- I'm sorry, but Mr jerk face over here reminds me SO much of Lucius Malfoy??? Like ?? I feel so bad for Keefe, like poor baby leave him alone smh. I really wanna deck his royal highness in the face tbh.

Biana- absolutely loathed her in the beginning, she gave off such bad snob vibes lol but I love her now. I like the trope of two people forced to be friends w eachother by someone actually end up becoming friends. It's rather uncommon as far as I've read, atleast.

Grady and Edaline- is it bad that i thought they were going to be evil? Yeah I have so much trust issues, it's concerning. But yeah, they're both big W's, their backstory, their temporary contemplation to reject sophies adoption, everything aligned well with their backstory. Greatly written characters.

And last but not least, the king himself, Keefe- okay, he's like added to my list of fictional crushes now lol (along with Percy Jackson, Jason grace, Steve Harrington, chat noir, Eugene fitzherbert, edmund pevensie and Ravi singh ofc). How does sophie not have a fat crush on him, like- ma'am if you don't want him, I'll take him. But jokes aside, he feels like the most authentic character out of them all, tbh. Epitome of great writing. He was inserted to the story as this random dude that sophie runs into, and becomes an og in like 5 minutes. He is like a mix of Eugene from tangled, Kristoff from Frozen and chat noir from mlb all at the same time?? I cannot wait to see more of him and his backstory, especially with his parents. I know alot of people dislike the humorous guy with depression trope since it's overused, but I like how it played out on keefe, he uses school as an escape, which is very relatable.

Also, bonus, i LOVE the world building, the light leaping and all, very creative. I cannot wait to get my hands on book 2

[king-of-colors]

happy birthday jeremy jordan!!

because it's his birthday, i drew jay gatsby climbing back over the fence after only tea. because i thought it was funny and it turned out better than i expected. colored version and uncolored.

also this. rip the quality (i traced the set pieces on the side and his silhouette guys, no i'm not that good at drawing)

now i'm going to yap about jeremy for far too many paragraphs, feel free to scroll past lmao

some of this may be inaccurate or out of order (or incoherent) because, honestly, i don't remember all the details of my jeremy journey (instinctively went to type 'jordan'-)

okay, so, although i've only known who he is for about seven months, i guarantee that watching hazbin hotel is one of the best decisions i could've ever made. because then i learned about jeremy, fell in love with his voice, then watched newsies. and so my love for musical theater was born and now i'm a complete and utter theater nerd (as many people who know me can tell you lmao).

because i have far too much free time, i will now construct a vague timeline of when i watched/discovered things jeremy's in. like i said, far too much free time.

i watched hazbin on april 1st and 2nd, binged it pretty fast lmao. completely didn't know beforehand that it was a musical, so that was a nice surprise. and, yeah, this lucifer guy, love him to death (haha). then this video popped up on my youtube home page, and i really like hazbin, so sure why not.

fast forward a bit, i looked at jeremy's imdb or wiki page and wait- huh? he's in tangled the series?? (which is actually a really funny coincidence, because a few years back, early on during the pandemic, i watched the first episode of tts. which is indeed the one with varian. so i'd actually heard him before). so i figured, why not watch that, i know jeremy jordan has a great voice.

sometime around here, i start watching yt vids of jeremy's performances. she used to be mine, it's all coming back to me now, all those. also gave the english concept album of death note a listen, since i'd seen it on jeremy's wiki page.

it's the end of april now, and i'm going somewhere with no wifi for a little over a week, so i download tts. (funny story, i accidentally didn't download the last two episodes, so i started s2, and was just confused. like huh?? i didn't see that happen.. my dumbass didn't realize that i was missing episodes until i was like a bit into s2. tragic)

few days in, i remember that i actually have newsies downloaded somewhere, and hey isn't jeremy jordan in that? (recognized it from aforementioned yt vid on hazbin actors) so i watch it and fuck yeah that was pretty good, loved the set especially.

(here's when i added santa fe to my playlist. before i watched newsies, actually.)

fast forward through may (honestly, may was a blur lmao). i finished tts, was briefly obsessed with wicked, discovered a few more projects jeremy was in (lsoh, b&c), found out he could've been in the greatest showman, watched la la land, finally gave chappell roan a listen. stuff like that.

june (and also july)! and, what's this? the great gatsby? (the first three releases) loved past is catching up to me, didn't realize roaring on was noah ricketts, etc. then the bonnie & clyde proshot (i managed to find a slime on yt, unfortunately it got deleted. i do have it downloaded if anyone wants it)

august. watched the last five years (i didn't know it was told backwards from her perspective and forward from his because i didn't read the summary. do you know how confused i was 💀)

september! one of the best months of my life ngl. saw the great gatsby on the 13th (and hamilton on the 25th). saw the whole cast except for noah ricketts (dan rosales was brilliant though). it was amazing bro, no other notes really. when i first saw him on stage, i nearly died, and then he started singing and i actually did /pos. everyone was so good, i can't even

and, yeah, here we are.

i don't know why i decided to make this post help 😭

if you read all this, thank you? i guess?

have a nice day and, idk, stop scrolling tumblr, take a break

[neospokenworld]

SPRING ANIME 2024 FINAL THOUGHTS (PART 2)

Part one here

SEIYUU RADIO NO URA OMOTE

You know, ever since seeing Oshi no Ko's 1st season I've wanted to watch another anime that more or less walked through the behind the scenes of the industry, so when I heard what was Seiyuu Radio about I definitely wanted to see it and now that the season ended it was quite good ngl.

it was pretty good to watch and even if it probably isn't faithful to the VA industry it also gave some insight to the behind the scenes of it, I absolutely loved how in this final episode the entire sequence of Yasumi rerecording her lines to the 'Phantom' show was done with no music nor sound effects, just pure raw Voice Acting altogether. One thing I would say tho is that if it wasn't because a lot of yuri pages I follow said that this is a yuri slowburn I wouldn't even believe it was the intention other than slight subtext lol, I get the feeling that this show would need like 2 more seasons to show something romantic between Yuhi and Yasumi and to be honest I wouldn't mind it at all, I absolutely loved their rivalry in here and how they have each other's back if either of them was in actual trouble (Like Yuhi with the casting couch rumors and Yasumi with her lack of confidence for her role in Phantom). Needless to say this was a good anime all in all and while I would probably put it at the bottom of a ranking with all of the ones I saw complete this season it's wouldn't be because it was bad by any means, but just because I liked the other ones more in the end (also I would love to see a 2nd season of it, even if the chances are almost 0 lol)

GIRLS BAND CRY

When I first started this anime, all I thought was that it was gonna be a fun little anime with great visuals and not much else, but now that it finished all I gotta say is that it was easily my favorite anime out of the Spring season.

Like seriously, it's crazy how with each episode it got better and better. All of the TogeToge girls were really likeable to see and their interactions with each other were just so good in general, the animation was 100% a standout for the series with such an amazing 3D, and the songs were like OH MY FUCKING GOD THEY ARE SUCH BANGERS!! Like at one point I just downloaded the album they have and each new song that it came just went straight into my playlist

Another great thing it had was the relationship Momoka and Nina had over the course of the show, I'm gonna be honest here I didn't expected the yuri elements to be brought up again after the confession, this isn't that type of story in the end and even then, you could see the two sides of their really close bond, from one side of bickering and arguing but in the end being there for each other, to the other side of deep admiration (and love) for the other and always having each other back. Even if there wasn't anything canon in the end they have such chemistry that it wouldn't be crazy that they would be already dating by the time the final episode arrived

And that mainly going on Nina and Momoka's side of the band, both Rupa and Tomo had already that deep bond between them and you could see how much they trust each other, and Subaru being the wild card that easily ties everything together in the amazing band that is Togenashi Togeari. Every character has something going for them that can make you love them and be their favorite without looking down any of the others. Nina's passion and decisiveness, Momoka's leadership and coolness, Tomo's take-no-shit attitude and brash honesty, Rupa being basically the mom/older sister of the group and having an overall more relaxed nature (thus making her an amazing hidden agent of chaos), and Subaru's chaotic and grounded nature that helped both enhance the comedy and bring the girls down whenever needed

I hope we get more content for the show in the future, whether it's in form of new music; merch; a movie; second season; manga; anything, 'cause this was just too fucking good to just end here. Goated anime and the best of the season imo

KAIJU No. 8

Honestly I'm still surprised that this series isn't talked more, like I know that it has a fandom talking about it that I still haven't interacted with, but outside of that I've seen very counted posts recommending it or just mentioning it which is a shame 'cause these last 5 episodes were absolutely amazing

Like at first I was like ''it's a good one, but not as good as most I'm seeing'' but after Number 9 came to attack the defense force for the first time it was like the show awakened and started delivering banger after banger episodes, and before that we already had cool characters to go for in Shinomiya, Kafka, Hoshina and Reno. The animation was real good (especially in both the Hoshino vs Kafka fight and the full awakening of Number 8) and the action was cool too, plus it has nice characters and a pretty interesting story to tie it all up, I'm like 90% sure this will have a second season in the future and I'll be waiting for it 'cause I wanna know more about the story (even if I'm gonna start reading the manga sooner or later lol).

This anime was a late bloomer like Kafka in the end lol

SASAYAKU YOU NI KOI WO UTAU

Well, technically this isn't the final episode, but since the final 2 have been postponed until further notice I'm gonna share my ''final'' thoughts here.

I HATE how badly was this anime treated, like it had everything to become easily one of the best Yuri anime of all time after the first 2 episodes but then everything came crashing down and the production of it was basically a Mappa 2.0, so much that episodes 9 and 10 were delayed for 2 weeks and the final episodes are gonna be aired at some point in the future, leaving it inconclusive for the season.

But I'm gonna see it here on a positive side, the first two episodes were just extremely beautiful and even if by episode 3 the animation was downgraded I'm here as an anime only for this series, so I could watch this for the story instead of for the adaptation and to be honest I love the story. I love the characters and the dynamic between them, the soundtrack was really good and the songs were great too, in my opinion this anime is a top 3 for the season, and I understand the hate it gets from the fans since, while I still haven't read the manga, I can imagine how bad it must feel that the adaptation was butchered so badly that even the author hated it.

This anime deserved so much better, I really liked it from beginning to end, to the point where I'm gonna start reading the manga because of how good the story was so at least the anime did it's purpose of guiding people into reading it's source material. if by some miracle there's a remake I'll 100% be here for it, I loved it as someone who didn't knew anything about it but the fans deserved a far better adaptation

And that's it!! I'm gonna leave here my ranking for each of the anime's I saw to completion, I'll probably make another rank for my favorite OP and ED tomorrow too but for now thanks for reading

1 Girls Band Cry

2 Jellyfish Can't Swim at Night

3 Whisper me a Love Song

4 Bartender

5 Kaiju No. 8

6 Train to the End of the World

7 Delicious in Dungeon

8 The Many Sides of Voice Actor Radio

[manonamora-if]

June Check-In

My time as a benevolent tropical dictator has ended... time for some resource management retirement.

Bouncing for the summer. ✌️ I may or may not be online during that time. I'm not going in too much details, because it is IRL stuff that doesn't involve just me. I should still have some free time, but not as much as now. You may (probably will) catch random drops on itch.

Onto the usual index:

Recap of last month’s progress

Plan for the next month

The mega to-do-list tm that hasn't really changed.

Still long post under the break. If you want a mini version, head on over to itch.io as usual!

May Progress

Pulling out THE LIST from last month and checking the progress:

Play more games ✅

It's always a check because... there's always a jam we're doing with the @neointeractives, so there's always something to play. Anyways... this month fed be real good. Between the SpringThing (still not done reviewing), the Text Adventure Literacy Jam (have to queue my reviews - I placed third!!), the Dialogue Jam (you can read my thoughts here), the Locus Jam (lookie here), and the REALLY BAD IF jam (it's going to take me a while still)... there was a lot! But also a lot of fun!it also, unfortunately, gave me way too many new ideas...

Oh. It's also been one full year since I started writing reviews! And I've reached the 2nd spot on the IFDB ranking! Over 500 reviews to get there...

Code Chapter 6/Endings❌

MelS is still working on those, chipping away at the pages bit by bit, trying make that last chapter the best final chapter possible. But there are a lot of pages to go through... he's doing his best!

Fixing an older games. ❌

I mean, I bug-fixed my TALP entry, but I don't think that count (and there's some more stuff I could edit too). I've been too busy/all over the place to sit down and go back at it.

Write the next Chapter/Scene of a WIP✅❌

Well, yes and no. I've been revisiting Exquisite Cadaver in the hope of finishing it for real (but I got distracted...), and re-reading it... I've CRINGED SO HARD AT THE WRITING. Like :/ it's so not great.

So before we can make substantial progress in the missing rounds, I will:

re-write the already coded rounds (and fix the insane amount of typos

re-code them (duh)

edit the Interface (the template is a bit all over the place)

fix some other code

other stuff I'm forgetting for sure.

The prologue is completely done, and I've started on the rounds. I think I'll update the game when the re-writes are done. Then do an Interface/code uphaul. Then add more rounds (or switch 1 and 2).

I'm trying to keep this for this summer. That would be good. I think I could even finish it (knock on wood and what not).

What else happened this month????

Well, the organisation of the Locus Jam and the REALLY BAD IF, and setting up Neo-Twiny once again (@neo-twiny-jam). That's... a lot more work than just pressing some buttons 😅

On the writing side, I've written a novel as a Post-Mortem for Jeangille. You can find it here.

More writing... Well, I've mentioned being distracted a few times already this month? That's because... I've gone a bit overboard with tiny stuff. Here's what you may have missed:

I PROMISE I AM WORKING ON THE GAME (Locus/RBIF - binksi)

the 500 rooms game (RBIF - Inform)

Tomato Tomato (RBVN/bitsy jam - binksi - will be made better)

Cloak of Darkness (porting to multiple IF programs -> source code included to see how an engine works)

So hum... yeah. Not super great on the plan. The more I push it, the less I manage... But also I made fun stuff so...

Maybe on really cool thing coming out of this month is... GETTING THIRD PLACE FOR Lysidice and the Minotaur! With a strong average of 4!!! Which is SO MUCH BETTER THAN LAST YEAR!!!

The PLANtm for June

I won't have Tropico or most of my Steam Library to distract me in the next month. I actually will have a lot of IRL stuff to deal with. Aside from dealing with the Neo-Twiny Jam and Anti-Romance Jam organisation, you will probably not hear much from me.

Still, during down time, I would try to:

Play more games: I need to finish my RBIF thread, and start the Neo-Twiny one (if it's like last year, better start early!). And finish the reviews to the previous comps too.

Code Chapter 6/Endings: Still on MelS. Though I still could do some stuff... I've been putting it off since he's not made as much progress as we'd hoped.

Fixing an older games. Well, I'm re-writing Exquisite Cadaver, if I manage that and the Interface, that goal will be filled. Or the Tomato Tomato one.

Write the next Chapter/Scene of a WIP. And if I could manage to write one more game round for EC, we'll be golden!

Let's have a boring month! For realsies.

I'm also planning on just... logging off from the internet for long periods of time (the IRL stuff).

~

The 2024 To-Do List:

And now we're back at the start... SIGH

The hopefully maybe easy to handle To-Do:

fix the bugs in EDOC + overall the French version to match (waiting for Adventuron to get the French language)

fix the bugs of TRNT + find a way to add the missing pieces (giving up on the translation)

fixing the interface of LPM and the popups + check animal interactions

figure out the One-Button JavaScrip/jQuery issue...

edit the loading screens of the completed tiny games to include the program/format logo at least.

The 'Need a Bunch of Content to update but it's planned!' To-Do:

Update my website (bunch new title - also I don't think the logo clicky thing work...) + redo my itch page (un-stricking cause I need to update it)

Finish TTATEH (MelS dependent)

Finish Exquisite Cadaver (half-way mark by this summer - manif)

Finish P-Rix - Space Trucker (main path at least)

Update CRWL (it's been almost two years... I'm ashamed)

The Unlikely But it Would be Dope To-Do

Finish The Dinner as it was planned (and translate)

Finish In the Blink of an Eye as it was planned (and retranslate)

Finish The Rye in the Dark City

Fixing TTTT (at least fixing, maybe try adding some storylets)

And finally The 'It's impossible, but one can wish' TO-DO:

Remaster SPS IH (if I managed to start this after completing the rest... I'm going to eat a whole sheet cake).

Start the IFComp project (2025? Might end up being a ST?)

[maaxverstappen]

I’ve been asking ppl cus im nosy. What’s your writing process like if any? Do u have a preferred place or time. Preferred device. Do u write rough drafts then edit or is it much more considered. How do u decide that an idea is worth fleshing out or pursuing if it looks like it’s plotty. Pls yap at length if u so wish — wiz

i love this question!! and would love to know other answers so if you want to reblog them i shall be on the lookout 👀.

i answered partly here so will just like build on that!!

the process is that i’ll have an idea and depending on how large it is write out some sort of outline. my preference for all planning in life is on paper so i have a little journal that ill write out some ideas in. kind of brainstorm / mind map style of just jotting down random ideas that come to mind.

however, with longer fics like my current post-as-i-go wip i have to do it digital bc so much changes and it’s too long (see pics in previous ask). that one i actually started planning in my notes app on a plane bc the idea had to come out of me someway and i was really excited about it. i then transferred it to a google doc and added onto my chapter per chapter outline (1st pic in previous ask). i felt like that was a bit overwhelming for understanding the overall plot so then i went and made a simple overview of the key plot points per chapter (the 2nd pic in previous ask) just so i felt like i had a better understanding of the goal per chapter.

now when i sit down to write a chapter ill get both the detailed notes and the main plot points and just write whatever i feel like in order to get to the goal of the chapter.

for shorter one shot fics i’ll either have no full outline or a one page idea list kind of thing. for instance, for worth the trouble i knew that it would start and end in the present time and then everything in between would be a flashback, but i didn’t know the flashbacks would be non chronological until i was writing it. same for the chewing gum aspect that ends up being quite an important part of the symbolism and that almost weaves the parts together, that wasn’t a *thing* until i was almost finished with the rough draft and i then went to add it in to previous scenes.

for my long fic i have to be a bit more calculated with the hidden messages/foreshadowing as i can’t go back and edit published chapters lmao so that is a little more thought out + i keep track of loose ends to tie together at some point.

editing is a bit of a harder one. for my long fic my overal editing is per chapter, but i do tend to go back and edit per section too. like right now I’m writing a texting scene and first i wrote the plain texting dialogue, then i went back to add the bits in between from characters’ pov. then i’ll read over it fully and edit where needed. finally when the whole chapter is done ill read over it and edit again, but at that point it’s mainly grammar and punctuation.

my main writing issues i’ve noticed so far is that i tend to switch tenses without realising so that’s something i look out for when editing. i also am always worried they don’t *do* enough so i like to think “hmm what action can i add in here to make them more human” when editing.

so far only worth the trouble has been beta read, the rest i do myself. if I’m stuck i will talk through a lot of it with my partner who will give me some ideas and just like help lmao (she’s also the one that beta read wtt!). but she’s not in the f1 fandom so it’s a little hard to have her beta read for characterisation and specific plot points so i do that myself. like when she beta read wtt she gave a few points of feedback that weren’t too relevant bc the average f1 fic reader would understand (like the significance of spa21, there is no need to explain it).

I’m a baby fic writer so a lot of my process will be redefined and refined as i go I’m sure.

as for deciding what to write, it’s really whatever captures my attention. the prompt for help me hold onto you is one i really liked and a trope i love reading myself. i was also ready to challenge myself to a longer plot fic and i was really excited about the idea so i just went for it! my main consideration is really just how excited i am for it.

i will say that i am currently really struggling with perfectionism / imposter syndrome. I’m having a hard time getting the words onto paper bc it feels like it’ll never be as good as my favourite authors anyway so what’s the point. (which is now also impacting the way i read fics bc it makes me sad that ill never write anything as good as what I’m reading lol)

i generally write on my laptop! in a google doc with grammarly activated and the word count on screen (which pisses me off bc i have to turn it back on after every refresh). i wrote my latest crafty!oscar on my phone (bc i was too excited to wait till i got to my laptop) but wouldn’t ever do that for anything much longer or plot-ier than that.

i fear this has gotten very long. i know u said yap away but …. i perhaps have yapped too close to the sun.

[orionlancasterr]

W.I.P Wednesday

Posted with ten minutes to spare! I was tagged by @adelaidedrubman

This is part of my unfinished first (very) rough draft of my FC5/TMA crossover fic in which Skunk, Judas, Mary and Daisy all have statements sent into the institute. I'm still trying to get a hang of Judas's voice and I'll admit this is mostly an infodump I will need to clean up a lot in coming revisions. Also tumblr is going to eat my formatting which is important to the aesthetic of the fic :(

STATEMENT #0160402

[CLICK] [PAGES SHUFFLE, SOME FALL ON THE FLOOR AND THE ARCHIVIST GROANS AS HE BENDS TO PICK THEM UP]

ARCHIVIST Paper files…not that I don’t appreciate physical media however my office is already a catastrophe. This could have easily been a digital file. [SIGH] ARCHIVIST Alright let’s see. ARCHIVIST Statement of Judas King, regarding a specific interaction with Gulf War veteran Jacob Seed in Whitetail State Park in Montana. Original statement given April 2nd, 2016. Audio Recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London. 

ARCHIVIST(STATEMENT) I don’t know why I'm writing to you. I mean, I don’t think I believe in these things and I found this place online when searching for similar experiences. London is very far away so I can’t imagine you guys care about fucked up murderers in rural Montana. I might as well just say it, maybe typing it out will help me to rationalize or comprehend it.  I have lived in these mountains my entire life. Seventeen years spent surrounded by their ancient, solid presence. They’re my most important constant which, I think, is why this experience has shaken me so much. I haven’t felt comfortable here since…Well since it happened. It’s not like strange things don’t happen. Strange things are bound to happen in secluded places far from civilization. Mostly our strange goings ons are easily explainable. Things like teenagers leaving carvings in trees or making weird sounds at night, wasting deer syndrome causing deer to hold their heads at weird angles and get far too skinny or people simply being too alone for too long and their minds creating faces where there hadn’t been faces before. My point is that it’s not a rare occurrence for people to claim the paranormal in the park. This was not an easily explainable mishap.  For a little bit of backstory I am from Hope County Montana. We are a very rural community in south western Montana. The most interesting thing to have happened here in years is when Grace Armstrong won a medal for sharpshooting in 2004. So when three men from Atlanta, Georgia rolled into town it was pretty noteworthy. The Seed Brothers. They brought a lot of chaos with them. Joseph, the middle one, came claiming to be a preacher but he’s not like any preacher I’ve ever seen. Then there was John who I think was the youngest. He was some big shot lawyer back in Georgia. He started buying out our farms and logging companies, slapping the name of their church on everything. Project at Eden's Gate. They call Joseph ‘The Father’ and think he’s some messiah trying to save them from the end of the world or something. It was all weird from the beginning but nothing violent. Not until a few months ago. Their oldest brother’s name is Jacob. He was a soldier in The Gulf War, army I think. You can see it too. I’d always thought that when people talk about soldiers having a ‘far away look’ that they were being…I don’t know, dramatic? Yet when I look at Jacob Seed I can tell he’s still in the war. He’s still reliving whatever gave him those gnarly scars that seem to over take the whole right side of his face. That is about where my sympathies end.

[griffin-wood]

hello!!! if you’re still doing the infamous ask thingy: band name, performance, fans, wild card! for nyla pls <3

2nd take cause tumblr decide to erase it and freeze it welp. hiiii ri! thank youuu for sending in! <3 (infamous mc ask!)

Band name: How did they and the others come up with the band name? Has the name changed since it was founded?

oh god, band name questions. This one is kinda a blank slate still..because ngl, during the playthrough I just created their band name in an instant and it just stuck with me! but, i believe they would have a different band name during their time with seven, but i shall get back to you on that! but, their current name is 'the renegades'. In my head, it sounds very cool - but, for significant wise; i did look it up the meaning of the word, and it means like some kind of betrayal. It doesn't truly reflect to the band, but..I think it opted to the meaning of rebel. Music has always been a rebellion in some way, and for their band..i can imagine, it's just a rebellion to the well those who don't believe them. So, they're the rebels, the renegades. But, in terms of coming through the term, I feel like Nyla would definitely came across the word during one of her songwriting sessions and become very much attached to how mysterious it sounds...and it become a part of them somehow. and it fits!

Performance: What are they thinking and feeling while they’re performing? How do they act on stage?

For Nyla, when she's performing...and since the band's genre is alternative, it sorta have a mystique vibe to it. So, in her head during performance is like, a clean slate; there's like one goal which is the vision or known as the big picture for what she's been dreaming of. Like when she does on stage, she tries to picture herself and the band performing at somewhere bigger, so that's her imagery at. and that really become like a factor of her performance too. And what she's feeling the whole music in her veins. When she's performing, she is more of a let the voice and instrumental do the talking and it showed through her performance. The feeling of like goosebumps can be one of them, to listen to what they made and perform it to others. It's goosebumps, magical, and mysterious feeling at some sort. The way she acts on stage is like, confident mysterious one. Like, you'll never expect what's she's gonna perform, she tends to smile to the fans before the performance but as soon as the music starts and yeah, she's a whole different person in the best way possible.

Fans: How is their relationship with their fans? Do they go out of their way to interact? 

She has a good track record of the fans, especially on social media. She does react a lot to fans, like enjoys watching covers, the art, and definitely have came across maya's page before she even meet the girl before. But, she also has this fun habit to troll the hate pages, especially well.....the seven fans who has a dislike towards her, despite her being a fan of soft violence ofc. But, she enjoys interacting and living that...reality. like, "we got fans?!" but in a cool vibe yknow? but, with the botb drama with UW, well..i can see her limiting the interaction cause well, there's more fighting in her comments a lot and all, so she tends to become slower, but she does go out of her way to interact. I have this headcanon, like their first ever like big gig performance at this bar..and like there's the early fans, and like she hugged one of the fans who gave her a letter and like flowers to congratulate. she still kept both the letter..and dried the flowers, despite she doesn't really show that much of her nostalgia persona, she does care very deeply.

Wild card: Tell us something about your MC! Feel free to really just roll us over with an emotional steamroller and crush the souls out of our bodies, if you’d like. (You’re also welcome to choose one of the other questions to answer!)

gosh, i'm gonna lay out nyla and seven here mehe! so, miss nyla has this front like, she's so different around everyone else..and in front of seven. Like, she's like a switch not like a bad switch, she just...feels more comfortable to feel around seven. In general, nyla's personality is like uncaring (like hey idgaf, like she does not truly give an f towards the haters and all that jazz) and flirty outside but everytime she's around seven like in proximity wise. She feels SO MANY THINGS, like those she couldn't control too. But, after the break-up..she just keeps all of those feelings on her own, reminsicing it on her own, and letting well the love and every single feeling she has for seven flow through her. that photoshoot with seven and Blake like that honestly she would almost have a breakdown there and then (she already has one internally, but outside...she's calm cool and collected.)

Seven was like...some sort her anchor with well, the shitty parents and all that. And like after the breakup and the band breaking apart, let's just say...she loses that anchor and has to stand on her own. And this is where she's good and bad at it, in front of people and heck, even orion, she's the master of fake it till you make it, idc idgaf, who is even seven lawless? but, like in private..she just would have that silent moment and like..just to take a breath, and sometimes when she's at home..feeling a bit lonely on her own, she wears one of seven's old shirt that he never bothered to take it back. she would go through that blackout, of emotions of losing someone. and, when she's out of her place, out of her thoughts..she's okay again. I think Rowan might guess that, noticing that. Hell, maybe one day she'll tell Orion what happened with her and seven, but like she hides that how she deeply feels cause like focus on the fame, the cameras and everything (she's already a pro at that so dont worry!!!!) But hey, seven lawless will always be her weak link.

also phew that's so long omg! i'm gonna add a seven x nyla song i had in their playlist; which i believe some verses would fit them in some sort of way! (the chorus, giving me so many vibes..and seven vibes also???)

[theoxbarrett]

Welcome to Aurora Bay, [THEODORE ‘THEO’ BARRETT]! I couldn’t help but notice you look an awful lot like [MILES TELLER]. You must be the [TWENTY EIGHT] year old [RETIRED SOLDIER]. Word is you’re [BRAVE] but can also be a bit [HARDHEADED] and your favorite song is [TRAVELIN SOLDIER BY THE CHICKS]. I also heard you’ll be staying in [SEABROOK QUARTER]. I’m sure you’ll love it! tw: war, ptsd, addiction

STATS.

full name: theodore barrett

nicknames: theo, barrett

gender & pronouns: cis male & he / him.

birthday: may 2nd

zodiac: Taurus

sexual & romantic orientation: heterosexual

occupation: retired/discharged from army

BIO.

theodore elias barrett was born and raised in Aurora Bay, by elaine marie barrett and thomas noah barrett. the youngest of three, theo from a young age was instilled with the importance of responsibility.

mr. barrett was a man who had served in two wars, only retiring due to old age but always kept his household run like an army base.

the kids were required to keep their rooms tidy, beds made, and referred to their father only by sir.

theo decided at a young age he would push those boundaries and often times would rebel against his father and his strict rules.

at school he was a class clown, liked by most everyone, and enjoyed making a little chaos in the sake of making people laugh.

he wasn't one to be serious for long and truly could make a friend out of any person he met.

school was always a struggle for him, he realized in around middle school the words would move around the page when he tried to read, or they would place certain words before others, making it take him twice as long to learn something.

at around the ninth grade tucker decided school was nothing something he cared much about, he would be found skipping school, smoking under the bleachers, and very rarely took his assignments seriously. when he did show up to class it was to merely make his other classmates laugh.

his father threatened to send him to military school if he didn't get his act together, but he would just fight back even harder and spend a couple days on a friend's couch to wait out his father's threat.

when he turned eighteen his father told him to basically pay rent or get out from under the roof. he floated between jobs for a little bit and crashed with friends until finally he walked passed a recruitment program when he turned 20.

it took only twenty mins for the officer to talk him into joining, his father's voice only fueling his desires to prove something.

what started off as a way to get back at his dad turned into a 8 year long commitment to the service.

to much to his surprise theo really thrilled in the army environment, the structure did him well, and he enjoyed the positive feedback from his supervisors, plus the yelling reminded him of home.

long gone was that goofy kid, and a responsible, be it uptight at times man was left.

training was the easy part, but once they were sent into the battle field it forever changed the person theo would become. seeing friends die right in front of your eyes, changes a person.

one day his tuck's whole life changed, he stepped on an explosive trap, truly he doesn't remember what happened next, until he woke up in the hospital.

he was able to survive the impact because the blow back threw him far enough from the explosive. however he leg was broken and fractured in six places, some broken ribs, and some more minor injuries. after months of physical therapy it was clear his leg would never be back to what it was so the army discharged him, gave him some medals, and sent him on his way.

now that theo is back he feels a bit lost, walks with a cane, and is battling a secret drinking problem.

[jeannes-world]

I just realized, I never talked about it since the beginning of 2025, but I had a resolution for 2024 to read more books. To make it short, I've read 24 books in 2024. Which is like, 4 or 5 more times than I usually read in a year.

And it was thanks to tumblr that I had the idea to how I should read more.

I came across a post talking about new resolutions and how they should be realistic, or just funny (someone said they counted how many times they sneezed in 2023, that was pretty cool). And one resolution I saw was talking about watching more movies, and that they gave a note to them each time they finished one.

So I had the idea to take that resolution but for books, mixed with what my mom already do by writing a little resume of what the book is about.

I present to you my notebook for all the books I've read so far. Basically, I first write in the index the name of the book at the page number I've written about. You can see there is 26 names, even though I've said that I've read 24 books, it's just that I've gave up reading 2, the 1st one being "Hades & Persephone" (I've read about a 100 pages, if I wanted to read 50 shades of Grey, I would have picked that last one, and even through the translation, I could see how badly written it was, so many fanfictions that I've read before are way better than those first 100 pages) and the 2nd one was "Nouvelle histoire de la révolution française" (it was way to complicated for me, it was a book addressed for historians only I think, I've read about a third of it before I gave up).

And then, each page is reserved for one book. I write the name of it, the author(s), the date I started it and the one I ended it (or gave up), with a 5 stars review, a little resume of it and what I thought about it briefly. And gotta say, it's really encouraging to know that I will give my little review at the end of my reading, like it's gonna be posted somehow in a magazine or online.

I usually read in the public transportation on my way to work or to my home. I made a promise to myself to not use my phone when I take the metro, the tramway or the bus, and gotta say, I definitely changed the number of hours I spent on my phone in a year. And I try to also read before going to bed, just so that I have a more healthy routine.

My objective for 2025 is to read a bit more books, we'll see how it goes ! Of course, I didn't include the mangas and the franco-belgian comics, I personally consider it cheating (only for myself, if you do that, go for it honestly, there's nothing more healthy than to read on paper, no matter what it is (if it's correctly written though)).

[hotarutranslations]

Even in Autumn and Winter..

Evening

When going shopping, Man,

The colors are already for autumn and winter~~

I said that,

.🫨🫨

Eh, its so hot right now, I can't imagine that, it'll be autumn and winter at all… Will it be ok… Autumn and winter will properly come this year too right… Colder days will come…

I feel like I say this every year though🙃🙃

With autumn and winter,

It will certainly still be warm when the autumn tour starts, and at the end it will be completely cold, right

The shoots for autumn are always done midsummer🌻 lol

🎫FC advance reception 〆Deadline July 26th 5PM

Thank you very much for the lots of applications😌🪽

"Morning Musume '24 Concert Tour Autumn WE CAN DANCE!" September 14th~November 25th 24 Performances Nationwide

For the 2nd day of the tour, I wonder how Yamanashi will go as its the day after Rockin'..🫣 lol

Also there are several things that haven't happened in a while, Ishikawa Nagano 2 days, Yamaguchi Hiroshima 2 days, Kumamoto Fukuoka 2 days, I wonder if I can go and eat somewhere with the members, (different than what I'm looking forward to? lol)

There is a good chance I won't be able to go, If I can I'll talk about it during MCs🐣

From Jill Stuart-san🤍🤍🤍

They gave me my favorite color lipstick 07, and other cosmetics…

I can take beautiful photos using them as the work well,

I'll post them, it'll be a while though! lol

Play▶️List

Graduation Announcement Blog🐣🪽

Hello! Station #531 I also talk about my graduation in this video

📺Hello Pro Dance Gakuen Season 11

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[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, MAY 30, 1992 The staff is now making his rounds with his flashlight. Phil came in here, then continued on further down the hall. He hasn’t come back up yet.

Oh, he just did, so now I gotta get across undetected. Wish me luck. Luckily this new patient woke up to go talk to the nurse. I can’t remember his name but I showed him the matches in my robe pocket and we went to his room which is on the end and had a cigarette. He told me to wake him up later and this will work out perfectly now that I’ve got someone to do this with.

Later…

Man oh man was that a close call! Phil gave me some hot water to make a cup of tea, then I went to wake up that guy. The guy said that Phil questioned him about the smoke. The second time we smoked, the guy ditched it right before Phil came. I don’t know what Phil said to the guy cuz I ran into my room, but he never said a word to me. He’s gonna let me know when the nurse returns from wherever the hell she is to give me my last shot of Alupent, then I’m gonna try to sleep.

I hope tomorrow night won’t be hard for us to sneak a smoke. The staff may be keeping a very close eye on us. Now Phil’s sitting in a chair at the end of the hall where he can see straight down the whole hall. I also hear him having a long serious talk with someone, but I don’t know what he’s saying.

Later…

Phil was talking to some other staff whose name I forgot as usual. Even though I have a very good memory, there are too many people to keep track of. Phil was not talking about the smoking to the other guy. They were discussing classes. 3rd shift is really cool compared to a lot of 1st and 2nd shift staff. Maybe that’s cuz 3rd shift doesn’t really have to deal with us like 1st and 2nd shifts do. Phil’s nice. I can see myself wanting him if I was straight due to his qualities. No matter where I met him if I was straight, I’d never get him any more than I’d ever get the women I really want.

Later…

My day was off to a very shitty start here. Yesterday I was told you could sleep as late as you want on weekends. Yeah, right. First, there’s the 8:00 med call. Then there was this shrink running around from room to room at 9:00, or even earlier. I would’ve been woken up anyway, and Lindsay was moving about too, doing this and that.

When they first paged meds, I never heard it. Obviously, I was in a dead sleep and was lying on my good ear. I finally got up at 9:00 and walked up to the nurses’ station and waited for my meds. I was wheezing my ass off and one nurse snaps at me and says snottily to back away from the nurses’ station, she’s on the phone and it’s very private. I told her all she had to do was ask me nicely and not be rude about it. She told me to go ask Pat for my meds and Pat’s always been nice to me before. I expected her least of all to flip out on me. The other nurse did give me my Theodur and my Azmacort but any nurse should know that those are prevention drugs. You don’t take those as needed or whenever the hell you want to. The Alupent is as-needed for the wheezing. Pat was talking to Jeanie, a patient, but being desperate cuz I was pretty wheezed out, I interrupted her for it. The other nurse also told me to do so as an asthma attack’s more important to deal with before you chat with someone. I mean, it was right across the hall. I’d get someone their Alupent first, then go back and resume my conversation. Jeanie would’ve fully understood, too. Instead, Pat had to be a hostile bitch and tell me to wait and not to interrupt her so rudely. After several frustrating minutes, she gave me my Alupent. And cuz I say what I gotta say and don’t kiss ass and was sick of being kind, honest and obeying and being shit on, I did go off verbally and cuss her out. I don’t rudely butt into conversations unless it’s urgent, nor was I rude, yelling or swearing at these people to begin with. I was so pissed off.

Also, yesterday when Dad and Tammy brought me my clothes, Debbie went through them. They automatically need to search for sharps and crap like that but I asked that she check my clothes. I wanted her to tell me right then and there if anything was inappropriate so Dad could take them back. I also told Debbie I was taking no contradictions. I told her to tell other staff that anything I wear was approved by her and no other staff was suddenly gonna turn around and tell me otherwise. Yet after Pat gave me my Alupent she told me to leave the nurses’ station as I was dressed inappropriately, according to her.

How is a pair of shorts and a long T-shirt inappropriate?

I told her, “It’s inappropriate cuz I told you something you didn’t agree with or want to hear. If all was well between us, it’d be fine.”

I swear at times some of the staff get on such a power and authority trip that really goes to their heads! The staff here can really provoke and instigate patients who are not one bit out of line.

I talked to other staff about her first, figuring Pat could never handle me talking to her and would just keep flipping out. Finally, I said that’s tough and too damn bad for her if she freaks out and asked for a talk with her. Very kindly she said yes and I told her to let me know when she’s free. At noon she told me 1:00. At 1:00 she left the building but said she’d be back in an hour, but we never spoke then either. There’s one thing I can surely say, though. She and that other nurse were so friendly from then on after. It didn’t seem phony either. They really truly did seem sorry for being rude and needlessly jumping down my throat.

After I got that ceramic tile trivet thing and made 3 pairs of earrings with Lydia, they were so complimentary toward me. You’ve really got to hound the staff here to get any attention and they’d rather be friendly (which is still nice) after an argument, rather than deal with trying to communicate and better understand the patients. Lindsay and other patients told me this from day one.

Lindsay’s a really good person but has gone off just as I have. However, when I got back in the room and bitched, Lindsay told me to stop bitching or she’d slam my head into the wall. After being threatened by so many people, I snapped. I told her I was ready to fight her anytime she was ready, but she backed down, saying it was stupid to fight, so I dropped it.

It’s the 9:30 cigarette break so I’ll be back.

Current Location: Connecticut

FRIDAY, MAY 29, 1992 Well, tomorrow will be the last day to get up so early. I think you can sleep later on weekends.

Twice I zipped across the hall to Bill’s room to sneak a smoke with him. It sure makes me feel like a kid again having to sneak around. Now, I really should try to sleep but I really want to go home, pack and move out to a new, quieter, bigger and better apartment, and see Dad.

Later…

I’m psyched! Tammy called and we discussed the things I want her to bring up. Then, she went on to say Daddy’s been delayed and may not be able to see me until next week. I was all bummed out ready to cry when suddenly, I heard the other phone be picked up and he goes, “Jodi Lin!”

I’m gonna see him at 6:00-7:00 tonight during visiting hours cuz it’s the weekend.

The only bummer is I am so outrageously bloated and my shorts are skin-tight. They were slightly loose when I arrived here. I’ve gained 5 pounds since coming here. I’m 102 pounds.

Later…

I’m so bored and frustrated right now. I’m on step 2 and I want a staff member to take me out for a walk, but they’re always too busy. There are 5 steps here, but whatever they’re worth, I don’t know. There’s an observation period which everyone’s automatically on for their first 24 hours here. Then there are steps 1-4. Groups are getting pretty frustrating here and I feel there’s not enough one-to-one attention. I don’t mind discussing my issues with other patients and them telling me their problems. They all are very accepting of me. We can relate to one another with certain feelings and emotions. But there are so many groups and so many different staff members that I’m getting sick of going over and over my issues with so many people. I want to talk to just one staff more often. They’re all always so busy and you can’t talk to them alone and in private. There are always other staff or patients around. Also, the staff is always getting interrupted to go run off and do something else. They’ve always got to jump up and deal with someone else or take a phone call. Or someone else comes up and says something or asks a question and they get into a conversation that goes on and on forever.

I want to hurry up and find a new apartment and move!

Later…

I saw Dad and we had a great talk! Tammy did come up with him, too. They brought me some of my clothes, a few new T-shirts, a real nice neon-colored pair of shorts, a new barrette, some paintings, my sneakers, ballet slippers, lotion, cassettes, a teddy bear, lots of dimes for phone calls, deodorant, toothpaste, a huge tootsie roll, cigarettes, a few bucks and my next journal. Quite a bit of stuff!

They saw Bob and I do the whooshing sound and they met a few staff and other patients. I told them how 1st shift has a hard time waking me up and how 3rd can’t get me to bed.

When Tammy said it wouldn’t be appropriate to bring my edits here cuz they’re crazy, I told her you’re supposed to be crazy here with crazy stuff. It IS a psych ward. They brought me up some cassettes of Gloria’s and one of Linda’s and my Walkman. They said Walkmans aren’t allowed cuz of the headphones so Rich was nice enough to let me use his little box. I’m listening to the Let It Loose cassette.

Dad’s gonna come back and visit Sunday, but while we were here together we discussed several things. We talked basically about me moving.

Later…

Lindsay’s writing in her journal and making a list of things she needs her boyfriend to bring.

I just called Mom and told her all about my visit with Dad. And Tammy, of course.

Bertie, Lindsay, Kathy, Rich and Scott were all calling me Gloria. I told them not to call me Gloria and that I don’t want to be her, I want to be WITH her. We were all talking about people we liked and laughing and joking about this and that.

Then Lindsay, who had a sore foot, gave me this plastic glove with water in it. It was ice that melted. There’s this wooden box by the nurse’s station for patients’ comments and suggestions. Well, that’s where I put the glove. That nice English lady, Lydia, found it.

I was telling the staff the perfect idea I had in mind to make their job easier. These halls are perfect for roller-skating. So, if they had to bring something all the way down the opposite end of the hall, I could just skate it down.

When Dad and Tammy were here I mentioned Andy working at Denny’s and how he enjoys living in the nicer apartments Arizona usually has and for so much cheaper. I told him how he grew up living near Diane and her daughter Donna and they moved there and then helped Andy settle out there. Also how Andy said he could easily get me in his complex and how he can go swimming all the time and has a whirlpool by the pool. He’s sent pictures of his place so I know how modern it is. He’s got a dishwasher, built-in microwave and, of course, central air which is pretty standard there. Most luxury-type apartments are standard in Arizona. Here, you must either be able to afford them or do without.

Andy, Fran and maybe Nervous and Bob are no doubt wondering where the fuck I’ve been. I asked Tammy to call Andy and let him know what’s up with me. I told her to leave a message if he doesn’t answer. I don’t think Bob or Nervous are able to afford to call me but Fran’s probably been trying like crazy. Kim doesn’t give a shit, but I wonder if Jessie or Ann Marie has tried? The tape is probably all filled up.

I miss my music and Shadow.

Any minute now, they’ll be announcing the final cigarette break of the night. Since Bill left today, who’s gonna smoke with me? Maybe I’ll go to Bertie’s room or Rich and Scott’s room cuz I already mentioned it to them. I still have the matches, thank God.

I’ll write more later. Now, I’m gonna go check out the painting thing they brought me to do. It’s a cat on black velvet.

There’s something else I gotta go check out, too.

Later…

The other thing they brought up is a pain in the ass, a waste of time and I have no patience for it. It’s this clay you mold into this plastic thing with a stick in the middle to make beads. Then, after it hardens, you paint them. It’s a messy, sloppy, complicated, frustrating waste of time. The paint by number thing is fine with me.

I forgot to ask Tammy what I’ve gotten for mail and also for her to bring me any important mail. She hasn’t said anything so I guess all I’ve gotten is junk mail.

I think Bertie, Scott and Rich are asleep, so how am I gonna smoke a cigarette? Go into a vacant room? The bathroom that everyone uses is too close to the nurse’s station. I guess I’ll wait till after they’ve done their room checks, then zip across to the vacant room across the hall.

Some of these rules here are so stupid and ridiculous. Some things around here irk you more than they help you and we’re made to feel like little kids.

THURSDAY, MAY 28, 1992 I just finished lunch but I didn’t eat much as I’m not big on pastrami, tuna or turkey.

Bill, who’s another patient here, gave me some matches so we can sneak a smoke at night. He knows the right times to do it and knows the staff’s scheduled times that they check on us. Every two hours, I guess. Jeanie will certainly distract the staff from any other patients. They’re busy with her every night cuz she’s always acting out screaming and yelling and being tossed into the time-out room. Because my roommate Lindsay doesn’t smoke, I’m gonna zip across to Bill’s room and puff the smoke out his window. He’s leaving tomorrow so I don’t know what I’m gonna do then. I’ll have to find another place to smoke.

We had two groups already. One was group therapy and another was aerobics which really felt good to do and I never tired out to where I had to stop and take a break. The girl who runs it is also named Jodi and she’s so cute. She says she can tell I dance and that I have good muscle tone.

Later…

After all the groups were finished I finally got a little attention one-on-one with my therapist Gloria.

Besides getting up too early and not being able to smoke whenever we want, that’s the other thing that bugs me. I feel there’s not enough one-to-one attention and too much group therapy. I really do enjoy talking to the other patients, though, too.

Me and this really cool girl named Kathy were just outside throwing rocks over the roof. It’s a low roof and Bertie (Roberta) was in her room on the other side, seeing them fall off.

Kathy and Bertie both say they have beautiful, feminine gay female friends who they’re gonna introduce me to. We’ll see, but either way, they know I’ll continue to be their friend and they can call me anytime they want.

Our door here went through quite a bit between Lindsay and I. She kicked it once and now has a sore foot and is using a cane. I slammed it twice. I’ll get into that and also write about this guy Robert and about something funny between Bertie and I and a staff member named Debbie.

First, I made two beaded necklaces. The beads are super tiny. I made one for Mom to mail to her for her birthday. I also made one for myself.

I forgot the names of Bertie’s gay friends, but Kathy’s best friend is also Jodi.

When I spoke one-on-one with Gloria and in a women’s group with Lydia and another group with Beth, I addressed my frustrations about life.

Later…

This guy Robert who we call Bob is so weird yet so funny. Me and Kathy and Bertie mimic him all the time. He blows air out in such a funny-sounding way. Sort of like snorting. Actually, it sounds more like blowing on a straw or slurping on a drink.

Earlier as I was heading towards my room, Bertie asked Debbie, a staff member, if she could watch her shave her legs (she’s restricted from using sharps by herself). I said “ooh” and burst out laughing. Then I asked Debbie if she could watch me brush my hair. So, I’ve been teasing Bertie all night asking her who’s gonna watch her shave.

I called Tammy earlier who was doing my laundry at the time. She’s on an antibiotic cuz her ear is filled with fluid and infected. I asked how Lisa’s concert went at school, and Tammy said fine. I finally remembered to tell her how I found Lisa’s note under my pillow.

She’s gonna bring me more clothes, money, cigarettes, hair stuff and sneakers. Beth, a staff member here, is letting me borrow hers. Obviously, she’s small, too.

The bad news is wondering whether or not Dad will make it to see me tomorrow. Visiting hours are from 6 PM - 7 PM. He’s driving up and he’s got engine trouble. Bummer! He told me he was gonna drive rather than fly cuz it’s cheaper. Now he’ll get to break down instead and spend much more money to get the engine fixed.

Later…

Tomorrow, I’ll have been here for 5 days. When I am leaving, I don’t know.

I got really pissed off at one of the nurses here named Claire. I was wearing a black tank top. The same one I came in here wearing that no one said shit about which more than covers my tits. As I went outside to smoke, she told me it was skimpy and I needed to put a shirt over it. I told her I was plenty covered, I’m an adult, and that if she doesn’t like it, don’t look. Then she threatened to restrict me from smoking. Some of these staff are just so determined to “win” and have their way.

Before leaving, I’m gonna get the payphone numbers and get all the ones I hate when I leave. I’ve also kept my mouth shut about the edits and I’ll continue to do so, although I could care less if they did know it was me. For a while, I’ll keep them confused and there are 4 payphones here so I’ll keep them all ringing one night non-stop. They’ll be running back and forth not knowing what the fuck to think or do.

There’s not much else going on, but I hope to hell my dad makes it here ok tomorrow.

My probation officer knows I’m here and she spoke with Gloria. Gloria told me that she said to call her when I leave. Tammy said Celia went into a thousand questions and Tammy went off on her saying, “This is asinine. She doesn’t even need to be on probation.”

Life is never fair and it’s full of spiteful witches like Claire.

I straightened out my hair earlier and it is getting long! It reaches just to the crack of my ass when it is wet! I love it even though I sure could use 2-3 inches trimmed. I’d still rather have long dead split ends than have short healthy hair.

Bill and I sneaked a smoke earlier and we’re gonna do it again after the staff goes to do their rounds. He’ll come give me the signal cuz he knows the times.

Tonight, I’m not gonna take my Benadryl and I sure hope I don’t wake up so damn groggy. Hopefully, it’ll be a bit easier to get up knowing Dad’s gonna be here. I hope he’s gonna be here. He better be here. I need him to be here. Please God, let him be here.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 27, 1992 Not much has happened so far since I last wrote. I asked for some Benadryl last night to help me fall asleep. I didn’t fall asleep, though, till nearly 2:00. When I was woken up this morning I was extremely tired. I’m just finally waking up now and I put on some makeup and brushed out my hair.

Roberta and Kathy, two girls here, have been super supportive and I think we’re gonna remain friends when we leave. A girl named Bridgett, too. I gave all 3 my number, but today Bridgett will be leaving.

Several people told me they were proud of me and admired me for being out of the closet and saying I’m gay.

What’s the big deal? I am what I am.

Roberta and Kathy say they both have gay friends I may be able to meet. Either way, whether I meet people through them or not, I will be there for them to call if they’re having a rough time with anything.

It’ll be lunchtime soon and thank God for that as I’m very hungry.

Later…

Right now I am a bit frustrated, pissed and depressed. First of all, I’m really getting very sick of having to get up at 7:00. Secondly, I’m sick of a few unnecessary smoking rules they have here. After your first 24 hours here, during daylight hours, you can smoke as often as you want. You just need to get a staff member to let you outside into the courtyard and to light your cigarette for you. When it gets dark, you can only go out to smoke at certain scheduled times. They’re usually an hour and a half to an hour and 15 minutes apart. The worst smoking rule is that there’s no smoking at all after 10:30 at night. Unfortunately, they don’t allow us to have lighters or matches so I can’t sneak a smoke at night.

I also miss being alone even though I like these people. I sure do miss music and singing. I miss Shadow and my TV shows. I really really miss Andy, Fran, Nervous, Jessie and Steve.

My roommate Lindsay and I were just talking about some personal issues. Mainly about our families and the places we’ve been in. The weird thing about it is that both Lindsay and I have had huge falls. She fell off a cliff and broke her back, and of course, I jumped out a second-story window and broke my arm. I feel better after talking to Lindsay but I still have the same two issues bothering me that I can’t control. I hate wanting to do or to have something I can never have or do. Stuck with no choice but to accept never having it which can be so incredibly hard at times. I still wish I could have my dream and live my dream of being a singer. I also wish I could meet more feminine gay women to have one-nighters with once or twice a month, rather than once or twice a year.

One of the shrinks here along with a few staff members and patients insists they know enough feminine ones. Even Ann Marie said that, but where are they all? Is God hiding them all from me? Only one I know is Ann Marie unless you want to count Nissan P, that stuck-up bitchy bus driver and one or two others whose names I can’t think of now. I did see a late-night talk show taped in Boston that featured “lipstick lesbians,” but to meet these people is nearly impossible. Especially when you’re non-sociable, not big on bars and have little money to spend on ads.

I spoke to Tammy earlier and gave her a short list of other shit I need her to bring me. I’ve also got to think of other clothes I want her to bring. I hope I don’t run out of cigarettes before she comes up and brings me more, but if I do, I’m sure Roberta or someone else here will help me.

The only other worry I have is about how long it’ll take me to get a new apartment and get moved into it.

That’s all that’s been going on basically. Some things are changing and some things will never change.

During the daytime, we have several groups we must attend, and in an art class today we’re making something quite cool. I hope I can buy and make this sometime myself. It’s a little hard to describe, but you put these assorted colored pieces of ceramic on a small square board, then the art director finishes it. After you glue on the ceramic tiles, she pours grout on to fill in the gaps and spaces. It also securely and firmly holds on the ceramic tile pieces. It should be all done tomorrow as it has to sit and set overnight.

About 5 or 10 minutes ago, I paused to go have the last cigarette at 10:30. I was also given a shot of my Alupent and Benadryl. It helps me to fall asleep without having such a groggy hangover in the morning. The Benadryl is now beginning to settle in. I’m getting sleepier. I have no choice for now. I must take it even though I don’t have to. It’s the only way to get more than 2 or 3 hours of sleep before having to get up at 7:00.

The meds are given out at 8:00 and the first group is at 9:00. They give me my Theodur at 8 AM, noon and 5 PM. The Alupent is as needed.

It is about 11:00 now and I guess I’ll try to go to sleep soon.

Later…

I still cannot sleep even though I know I should try. Maybe I’ll try counting from 100 backward as the relaxation therapist suggested and says she does.

The back part of the bed goes up and down like the bottom does. You can sit up, lie flat and also have your knees up if you want. It’s a regular hospital bed. This place looks like the ER with two patients in a room and sliding curtains for privacy. It is a real hospital and looks totally unlike the Brattleboro Retreat but this place is short-term.

TUESDAY, MAY 26, 1992 Something obviously came up earlier and that’s why I didn’t get to write. I was incredibly tired when they woke me up this morning at 7 AM. They did blood work on me and took my vitals.

There were several groups here which made me nervous at first. I quickly calmed down and talked freely and easily, though, as I was able to relate to several others and can express myself well. The patients and staff here are friendly and I may even continue a friendship with one or two people when I leave.

I talked so far to two shrinks who were impressed with my ability to communicate and my honesty. They said I shouldn’t be here, I should move. Of course, and thank God, I will be moving.

I came here 100% voluntarily and so I was upset to see I had a paper on me saying I was committed involuntarily for 15 days. Usually, what other people think and believe doesn’t matter, but this is different. This was a false label on paper, so one staff had me sign a paper for a judge to come see me here and decide. Today, however, when I saw the second shrink, he changed the paperwork and had me sign a voluntary commitment paper. I also signed a paper retracting my request to see a judge.

Today’s groups were mainly to discuss the problems that put us here and our future goals for when we leave. There was also a relaxation group and a recreation group.

I also had to fill out a personal question form that breaks down one’s personality. It was all true or false but there were 400 questions. Tomorrow, I’ve got to do 400 more. Oh well. It gives me something to do.

I spoke to Dad a short while ago and he’ll be here Friday! He, Tammy and I, are gonna look for a new place for me.

Tammy has been so helpful and a great support. She’s cleaned my place and has taken care of Shadow. She also told me she’s had a long talk with Barbara who feels bad and understands. According to Tammy, Barbara’s still a friend and she’ll help me pack.

Karen, a really nice friend of Tammy’s says hi, she’s proud of me, she loves me, and to draw her a picture of a cat.

Why is everyone so proud of me? I simply did what I had to do. What anyone would do under the circumstances.

MONDAY, MAY 25, 1992 Natchaug Hospital…

I thought I had a lot to write about the last time I wrote – well – I’m now in Natchaug Hospital in Mansfield, CT due to all the stress and anxiety at the project. I was only getting a few hours of sleep on most days cuz of next door. The zoo outside was killing me and I just got over a 3-day cold. My first one in almost a year and a half.

I got sick of being woken up by next door and listening to 10,000 screaming people outside. I detest the apartment and miss my waterbed. I’d sleep in the living room and still get woken up. It was like living in a studio with 6 other people. A few days ago I was on my way to get the paper to look for apartments when I realized I needed change. I went into the Community Resource Office to ask this guy for change and he asked me my name. When I told him he told me his name was Jim and he heard all about the situation. He then said his job is to help people move and take care of the financial part, too. I was shocked and thrilled! He said the quickest way is fire, flood or eviction. I told him he could keep the fire and flood as I value my stuff. I would stop paying my rent if I had to. He told me it’d take a day to two months for me to be moved. They’d pay first month’s rent and possibly get me a truck. So I filled out the paperwork with general information and the millions of reasons for wanting to move. Meanwhile, it was 95º and I was going through my cold, getting no sleep, and going crazy cuz of the outside noise.

I spoke with Nervous, Fran and Andy, and even had another long talk with Dad to try to keep me cheerful till I moved. I’d watch TV and listen to music but nothing would calm me down and relax me. Two nights ago I’d reached my breaking point and my nerves were stretched to the limit. It was around 3 AM and I told myself to go to sleep and relax as soon I would be moved. It didn’t work. I felt trapped, suffocated and terrified. I was so anxious and stressed out and way too revved up to fall asleep. I called the CC. I told him the situation and that there was no way I could stay there one more minute. My asthma was out of control cuz of my stress and lack of sleep. I called an ambulance as the CC told me and they came and took me to Bakus ER. There, I slept on and off and spoke to a woman who is a social worker and also the commissioner at the Norwich Housing Authority. She knew Jim and the situation and while I was there I tried to reach Tammy by phone but got no answer.

I was gonna stay at Bakus on their psych ward but they had no more beds, so they brought me here by ambulance and it is a far cry different than all the other places. When I first came here I was crying and scared shitless. The staff is so friendly, though, and so aren’t the patients. There are only about 10 other patients and it’s a small unit. My roommate Lindsay is very nice but upset at her family now.

Speaking of my family, Tammy, Mom and Dad have all been very supportive and proud of me for seeking the help I knew I needed.

Yesterday I spoke briefly with a shrink who shocked the hell out of me. He was the first after a zillion shrinks to say anything kind to me. He told me I express myself well, communicate well and do not need to be here, I need to move. I’d rather be here till I move.

Tammy came to the ER to take me to her place but I was already on my way here.

The shrink spoke to Mom and Dad and said I need no medication but in the evening I requested a sleeping pill. Never again, though, as I woke up extremely groggy.

Last night and this morning I had my first shower in almost 4 months since I moved.

I’m not sure what time it is now but I just made a really pretty beaded bracelet and polished both my fingernails and my toenails. Lindsay let me use her nail clippers. She has a journal, too. One of the same ones I have.

One staff member here is from England and I was imitating her accent for her.

The food here is good. Not your typical hospital food.

I played the piano earlier but some of the keys don’t work and it’s way out of tune.

Later…

Now for my really really super good news. Dad’s coming up!!! He’s gonna be here Friday! I’m psyched!

I got here yesterday at 4 PM. Tammy’s begun to pull out my valuables. She’s taken care of Shadow and is feeding him every day. She also took out my garbage and did my dishes and is gonna get my mail and do my laundry. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay her. She, Bill and the girls came up to see me today. She brought me some clothes, this journal, my Word Find book and some pictures of Gloria.

Everyone here thought she was my mom and that I’m 17.

I cried after they left. Especially when I was sitting on my bed and noticed a piece of paper under my pillow. It was a get-well note from Lisa. That was so sweet of her.

Later…

I just tried to call Mom and Dad for the third time but there’s no answer.

They have a couple of lounges here with TVs, a VCR and coffee, snacks and fruit drinks. They have a huge box with all kinds of beads. Lots of different colors, shapes and sizes so I made Lisa, Becky and Sarah bracelets, too.

When I spoke to Mom and Dad last night she asked if I wanted Dad rather than her to come up. She said she didn’t want me to feel as if I have to choose, but I agreed on Dad coming up. I told Mom I love her for her concern and that she is who she is, but I am who I am too, and Dad and I have more in common. She agreed and said she understood. I can’t wait to see him!

I’m gonna see if I can get Tammy to contact Andy and let him know where I am.

I just remembered a funny thing. A couple of months ago, Tammy and Bill went to a birthday party for a friend and Bill got smashed while Tammy got a little tipsy. On my memo board in my kitchen, I wrote Mom’s zip code. Tammy was really pissed at her then and she wrote ‘bitch’ and ‘asshole’ next to her name. Perhaps I should tell her to erase it now that Dad’s coming.

The place I mentioned escaping to several pages back was down at the schoolyard. Across the huge open field is a hill. At the bottom of it is an elementary school. I sat on the swings for a while as some kids played basketball. Some other kids were playing in a sandbox and I noticed a jungle gym with slides, bars and a flat part big enough for someone my size. I was trying to tan there and get away from the chaos. At first, it wasn’t easy. Some kids just had to smother me, scare the shit out of Shadow and ask me 100 questions. I was thinking, just shut up, get away, leave me alone, why do you think I came here?

Finally, they split.

Shadow follows me everywhere, of course, and it was so funny seeing him trying to climb up to get to me. He tried climbing up the slide and kept slipping back down.

It’s almost 10:30 now and soon they’ll be announcing the last cigarette. After you’ve been here 24 hours you can smoke whenever you want if you go outside. When it gets dark, a staff member must be with you. During your first 24 hours here you can only smoke at scheduled times.

I hope that while I’m in here I get a letter from Andy. I could really use one and he says he’s got letters for me from other people.

Right now I can’t think of much more to write about and I’m getting sort of tired. Maybe I’ll be able to sleep soon but I don’t know for sure. I am a night person. I should try cuz they’re gonna wake me up at 7:00. Isn’t that crazy?!

WEDNESDAY, MAY 20, 1992 Since I last wrote a zillion things have happened. First, let me say that I’ll write more about what I wrote in my last entry another time. Since I last wrote, I’ve been through a nightmare. I’ve been pretty sick and was a wreck emotionally. Thankfully and luckily enough, I found out some fantastic news today. Tomorrow I’ll definitely write all about it.

SUNDAY, MAY 17, 1992 I am making a pizza pocket now. I just finished it and I don’t really like them that much so I don’t think I’ll buy them again.

I got this thing called Fungi-Nail and it has really helped. Not for the ridges but for the white part of the nail tips. They were going a little too far back into a point. Tammy asked someone at the fire dept. who said it was a fungus, just like the pharmacist did.

There’s not too much to say about Ann Marie. She’s only been here once but we’ve spoken a few times. I think she’ll eventually visit again.

As for my father, he really cheered me up that time I was telling him how upset I am living here.

He agreed that my voice is definitely geared toward country music. We all have known that. He mentioned the country radio station here and told me he always listened to it at the beach.

He also told me I saved him on a crossword puzzle. A question pertaining to music. I asked him to guess what my range was and he said contralto. I was like, wow, how’d you know? He says there are lots of country bands here in CT, so I should call that radio station to ask them about local country bands. Also, stick an ad in the Norwich bulletin like Tammy, Barbara and Andy and others have told me. I get hesitant about it, though, figuring if I get hired it won’t be for more than a few days when they decide to give it up themselves. Or change their style to rock and roll.

Pamela is my neighbor who lives next to me but she’s not attached to me. She lives alone with her 3 kids. I’ve also met her mother and sister and they’re all very nice. They’re black but they’re also Spanish and they speak it. She’s super nice and her mom gave me a ride once to the store along with her sister.

I don’t know if she’s ever been with a woman or considered it, but she’s made certain references. I don’t know her well enough but she seems pretty easygoing and open-minded and said she could accept anything. So, when she asked me if I was married I told her I was gay. She still continued on and on knocking men and telling me I was pretty. Am I attracted to her? Not really. She’s so-so, but might be fairly nice looking with some makeup and nicer clothes.

Fran and Andy are doing ok and I can’t wait to see Andy. Only 3 more months! Fran was on the phone in a massive fight with some girl he just met named Ann. Ann was so funny! Her voice was good for editing too. It wasn’t like the CP lady but it was quite hysterical and she spoke so fast, you could barely make out her words. Quite frankly, she reminded me of Maliheh.

Later…

I got a check in the mail from Berkshire Gas for $13.46. I don’t know why but I won’t complain.

That same night I spoke with Andy, Fran and that girl Ann, Fran called Laurie H. Andy did the talking. He read parts of my letter to her and she really was convinced he was cluing her in on something that happened and was trying to help this person. I’ve begun editing her and Ann.

Sometime soon, when Andy’s got plenty of time, he’s gonna call Nervous.

As I said before, they began a foot patrol around here, and knowing how I’m always destined to meet cops, I figured I’d make the first move. I met a cop named Warren and we talked about stuff in general and I told him I took the civil service exam. I also told him that other than music, it’s the only other thing I’d consider. Cuz I don’t drive it may be tough so I was told to stop by tomorrow anyway and maybe start with security. Who knows, but if it was something right around here on 3rd shift, that’d be cool.

I want to try really hard to get some sleep cuz tomorrow it’s gonna be warm and I want to try to tan.

Later…

I finally found a really nice quiet and secluded spot where I can just get away from it all. I’m not gonna stay here too much longer cuz I don’t want to burn. I’m also getting pretty thirsty. It’s around 80º today and there’s an awesome breeze.

SATURDAY, MAY 16, 1992 While I’m watching a late-night talk show I thought I’d take the time to write. Guess who’s got a phone!?! Nervous!!! Yes, he’s actually got a phone! I called him earlier and we spoke for an hour or so. We had a really good talk and I told him how much I miss him. I brought up old funny memories and told him how much I hate it here. He says he’ll call or write and maybe try to come see me.

I called Andy to let him know that Nervous got a phone.

Tomorrow, I’ve got to go to the ER to have my blood level checked. I mean my Theodur level. If it’s too high it can be dangerous, says the nurse at the doctor’s office.

The thing that pisses me off about the buses here is that they go all the way around the city. There’s no direct route at all. If you have an appointment which only lasts half an hour, you spend all your time on the buses. You wait for the bus, travel all around the city, wait several minutes to transfer, then go through the same thing coming home. It sucks. It’s about 2½ hours just playing bus.

Later…

I think I’m gonna sleep without my earplug and let myself be woken up by next door as I must get the bus as soon as I can.

Since I have so much catching up to do, I’ll write a list of topics to write up on tomorrow, such as Pamela who lives next door, Laurie H, the talk with my dad, Fran, Andy, Ann Marie, and my nieces, feelings in general, ideas, thoughts, doubts and premonitions. I’m sure there’s much more that has currently slipped my mind. Little stuff too, like Barb and Dave who put my big AC in my living room. Barb’s son and his friend put my little one in my bedroom.

This guy who lives on the other side of the court gives me laboratory boxes from work for moving whenever the hell I do.

This girl at Price Rite had beautiful long hair and when I commented on it she said, “Yeah, I was just thinking the same about yours.” Hers was so thick and healthy and all one length. Just one more inch to the crack of my ass when you pull it straight. Can you believe it!

Mom and Dad sent me a package with super nice curtains, a cute little crystal lamp, a beach towel, tanning lotion and a pair of black shorts.

Jessie told me Steve moved to Chicopee and is fixing to move to California. She also told me how Steve calls her every now and then but she’s never asked for his number. She also said she gave him my number, but I have not heard from him.

Later…

I am really pissed cuz I cannot sleep! I am wide awake. Well, why don’t I begin with the stuff on my list then? I just remembered another thing I forgot to mention.

Tammy lent me her electric typewriter which is awesome. It’s got several really neat features and can erase one letter, one word, or one whole line. The only bitch is that the ribbon snapped so Tammy will fix it next week.

Every Tuesday evening she and Bill go see a marriage counselor while I babysit the girls here at my place for an hour and a half. The last time they were here Lisa asked me to sing and I did. Then, she sang to me songs she learned in chorus. I was very impressed. She really held her notes well and I always had a feeling about her musically. Even when she was a baby I felt she’d turn out able to sing even if she never took it as seriously as I do. She’s got definite potential. I’m no expert but I know my stuff well enough to know her voice can be developed when she’s older. Maybe she’ll do so at a younger age than I did. She has a concert on the 25th and I’m gonna go.

Speaking of feelings, well, last Thursday Tammy and I were gonna go to a group session to try to quit smoking. It’s $30 per person and she was gonna pay my fee till I could repay her. Early Thursday afternoon, the sixth sense kicked in and I called her. When she answered, I said, “Oh no, don’t tell me you can’t go.” She said no, we couldn’t go cuz she was short on the dough. She did say that this thing runs quite frequently and she’d let me know. After she hung up she probably thought to herself, she does have a little ESP after all, huh?

Well, I wish I could “feel” sleep, but I don’t.

In the NHA bulletin, it stated that there’d be a Norwich city police foot patrol in Oakwood Knoll beginning today. I know I’m destined to make some cop friends, but I’d really like a nice-looking lady cop to entertain and be entertained by when she’s bored and nothing’s going on. With all the corrupt cops, though, whose badges go to their heads, I certainly do hesitate. God would never bless me with such luck anyway.

Now, to speak of probation officers. I finally got a letter from a Celia (my new probation officer) to meet with at city hall on the 20th at 11:00. From what I was told about her, she was a Norwich city cop for 4 years, is the senior probation officer and appears gruff on the outside, but she’s not. She won’t take no shit from anyone but is a nice person.

Later…

I’ll just start off by saying I’ve only had 1½ cigarettes since 6 AM. I am still determined to try to break completely free of it. I’ve been using this new patch you stick on called Habitrol and it helps to a degree. I did have to fight off urges every other 5 minutes all day, though, and I hope and I pray it’ll get to the point where I can easily escape the urges. Also, they’re few and far between.

I also want desperately to get off the Theodur cuz of the gas it causes me and the way it makes me so bloated. It also constipates me here and there like the Navane did. I want to be completely drug-free with the exception of coffee. I want to hardly ever need to see a doctor other than a yearly check-up. I want to sing without coughing. I want to wake up not feeling like I’m gonna die.

THURSDAY, MAY 14, 1992 The shittiest thing that happened since I last wrote is that I had a major panic attack. I thought I was dead for sure. It was very scary. Due to lack of sleep and stress from all the noise and commotion around here, I felt really shitty late one night. I became very depressed due to feeling so trapped here. I once again thought of how I was nowhere musically, I missed my friends and got more cuts from SS. I’m supposed to get $442 monthly, but cuz I moved I had to pay on premiums. Naturally, I was never told about this and found out the hard way when I called my bank to verify my direct deposit. Thank God, though, or else I’d have bounced checks up the yin-yang. All I could dream about was an immediate escape. A one-week vacation on an exotic and tropical beautiful island or beach in a gorgeous hotel. Or a luxury cruise. With maybe a little lust here and there with a gorgeous woman. Hell, I even considered a week in Florida with my parents!

For hours that night, I fought off the tears trying to be brave and tough it out, but then the tears came and I lost control. I was hot and sweating miserably and my heart was racing like crazy. It was pounding so hard one could have easily seen it from across the room. I hesitated on calling the crisis center here, as the last time they made me feel worse rather than calmer. My feelings were thrown up in my face and condemned. I was made to feel stupid about them when there is no “wrong” emotion. Finally, I gave in and called but refused to identify myself. There was this massive roaring sound in my ear and I became dizzier and dizzier. Finally, I just passed out. When I could get up I was wheezing quite bad and it took quite a while to open me up. After a few more hours, I finally could relax enough to go to sleep.

The next day I felt weak and shaky but by dusk, I was beginning to feel much better. I was so grateful when I was feeling better. It was a nightmare. Almost as if someone was smothering me with a pillow and just when I thought I’d die, they released me.

That day I called dad and he called me back. After we spoke I felt a lot better. He cheered me up quite a bit and really let me get it all off my chest. I told him how the only better things were the buses I had access to and the family. Financially, I thought I was supposed to be better off. Instead, it’s worse until this summer. My money’s going to be refunded retroactively.

[springcloudsmind]

Taglagas dahil may bagong pagsibol

a 2023 highlight

Life update! I'm a non-major now. With many prayers and humbling times, mama finally agreed. and guess what? she said she was just waiting for me to ask her because she has trusted me already with the Lord. What an answered prayer.

<if 2023 would be described in 1 photo>

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It's the start of a new year!

Recently, I've been very contemplative. Maybe it's my age catching up to me. haha.

"I had a blast this 2023" was an understatement.

When I reviewed my IG stories, I was utterly shocked how the darkest time and brightest time of my life happened in just a year, in this year.

Just now, I saw my journal and my expectation for it a year ago. Never could I have imagined what happened now that it has ended.. It's rly humorous how there was a big "Be more like Him" in the first page. I prayed that I'd be more christlike and here I was; given the biggest fishbone to my throat. haha.

BUt! that was just half of it.

When I reached September, our 2nd sem, everything I wished for happened. It was the greatest time of my life.

My classes were soooooo fun. I've made palpable my table and college-ing ideas. I have been receiving high scores in my exams. I also had a very craaaaaazy class wherein we discuss about and dance disco. fUn! And beh, don't get me started on the people I've interacted with! I met many nationalities, became friends with them, and even went to another nation! (side note: I also learned about how exchange students works. hihi. maybe, Lord? Is it ur will, even for a sem? *cute face while on my knees* haha) In that other nation, I saranghae-d everywhere. First time had I experienced a negative degree celcius temperature! As cute as it sound like, hear me say this. It. Was. Not. Fun. hahaha. i wished to experience that when I was a child, but who's laughing now to be eating my words back decades after. I couldn't even take pictures. haha. I really tried my best to screen shot them in my mind for future reference and rly just go back in the summer time someday. for sure. :) When I prayed to get closer to God, he gave me something I super mega really didn't expect. Grabe, siz. I was given a privilege to disciple 4 girls in my campus, and 5 girls in our local church! I became part of the campus core team (who were *chef's kiss*), and even serving as one of the evangelism servant-leadership! I really had no kawala because I've became more accountable to His pips. hehe. a pleasure... Heart wise, it was so cuuuuuuuute! I'm happy these are all buried with me but, gorl! It was my first time to be asked out on a date. For clarity, I declined ah. Pero back in high school I aced that. (kaya God made sure I learned haha) Then in senior high, I protected my heart. Now, it was so funny 'cuz I only see these things in movies. hahaha. Thanks for asking me out, you. Nevertheless, I think I only got 2-3 other crush this year. The most recent ferson was the one whom I first saw on television, loved his testimony, and surprise surprise, he was on the same satelite as my campus and even friends with my team mates. His voice is already a sweet honeycomb in the summer. hihi satin lang to pls. But kidding aside, because of my mature ates and kuyas, it makes me want to be mature as well, and set, and contented in the Lord. So, when God's best come, I can be ready. for sure. :) haha. Lord, take this hart/plez

woop. already 30 mins in and I havent started on what I wanted to share. words cant rly be concise when talking about these things. >,<

Soooo, let me continue.

Recently, I've been very contemplative. Anxious, too. Because of that, I've been indecisive in many things, including on what I should be devo-ing. But the Lords says to just do it. So, I maximized the available resources and found the verse Joshua 1:8-9 for my last day of 2023.

Here are the things I realized:

Josh 1:8 is the same sa Deut 31: 8. The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

"What about it?," you may ask. My answer would be, "It's all about it." It was the same promise I held on to back in my 1st year. It just make me realize how God is whispering, shouting even, the same words. It's like, "Child, listen. Just like what wanted and prayed for, I also want that. I want you to be succesful and glorify Me. That is why, I want you to be careful in doing the things I say." Amazing isn't it? Eto yung unshakable, unchanging, and constant shelter, Father, lover, and God. I also came across some verses God used to speak to me in the time I asked if I should really leave Engggg.

in all of these, God was reminding me how he was faithful in His word of last 2 years and last year, and will surely still be this year. How he speaks to me when I give my heart to linger and listen.

My vision for 2024 is to thirst for Him (psalm 63)

Part of my quiet time is look for real meaning of some words, or terms in its origin language. When I was searching about "meditate," I also saw maaaaaany verses that this kind of meditating was mentioned. <Psalm 1:2, Psalm 63:6, Psalm 77:12, Psalm 143:5, and Isaiah 33:18> All of those I read were about a person in a difficult circumstance and forgetting God's goodness yet reminding the self in faith.

That's the power of not letting this this Book of Instruction go out from one's speech and meditating or reciting it or understanding and applying it day and night. How mindful and intentional is the Lord of the littlest thing that he had to mention specific times of a person's day. Note also that it is in perfect tense meaning ~~~ an action started in the past and continues in the future ~ or so. He alone.

God wants me to be successful.

May it be not in my current definiton of it but he wants to. When I searched for what does it mean to be successful, I came across Deutoronomy 28. How beautiful is that painting of God's blessing. The only thing God is asking for His people is to love him. To love him in obedience. To ensure that I do aaaaall that is written in His word by His grace through faith, in all that I can.

This means a lot. All of the things I've written in this blog are all complains if God really wants me to to be succesfull. God is answering me now. He does.

He wants to bless me. He wants to love me with all that He can.

If only I'd allow him to.

<photo from that trip> hehe