#also when I was a cis woman I think I probably would have answered differently cause I did not really have this fear LOL ^_^

[hyumjim]

That being said ofc I think that the way people talk about trans women Trying to Force Egg Crack or whatever is deeply deranged + transmisogynistic + evil. And I think maybe trans women are more likely to say it’s ok to suggest transfemness in part because they are aware of this narrative and want to push back against it. If that makes sense. So I guess I answered wrong because it’s not like I think it’s a bad thing to suggest transness re: either trans men or trans women, it’s just that I am afraid if I did that I might be killed with rocks

[giritina]

Lately I've been dipping my toe into the mess that is transandrophobia discourse, and in the process I've been presented with one question in many forms:

"Do trans men experience misogyny?"

My initial answer was "these terms are all theoretical frameworks for a vast range of human experiences, why would you choose to frame your pre-transition experiences as that of a woman?" This makes sense to me, but clearly isn't satisfactory to many of the people sending me anons. As much as I might want to use my own life as a case study, I can't very well tell these people in my asks box "no, you've never experienced something that could be categorized as misogyny." Still, the question bothers me.

I think that's because the question obfuscates the actual debate. It's clear to me the question we are debating is not one of "experience" but "authority." That is:

"Do (binary) trans men understand what it's like to be a woman?"

My answer? No.

How can I justify that when we have, since birth, been raised as women? Well, because we also have, since birth, been trans men. If we cast aside the idea of transness as a modern social construct or anything other than an innate and biological reality, this has to be true. Even before you ever came out to yourself, you were transgender. Transphobia has dictated every moment of your life. Your idea of what "womanhood" is is not at all the same as a woman's, be it cis or trans. Why? Because a woman does not react to "being a woman" with the dysphoria, dissociation, and profound sense of wrongness that you do. [If you do not experience these things, a cis or trans woman, at the very least, does not identify as a binary trans man.] A woman sincerely identifies as a woman, and identity plays a pivotal role in how we absorb societal messaging.

Let's take homophobia as an example. While any queer person has probably experienced targeted episodes of bigotry, the majority of bigotry we experience must necessarily be broad and social. Boys learn to fear becoming a faggot as a group, but the boy who is a faggot will internalize those messages in a completely different way to the boys who only need learn to assert the heterosexual identity already inherent in them through violence. All of them are suffering to some extent, but their experiences are not at all equivalent. This is despite the fact that they've all absorbed the same message, maybe even at the same moment, through the same events. Still, we don't say that a straight boy knows what it is like to be a gay boy. Similarly, cis women do not know what it is like to be a trans man despite being fed the same transphobic messaging in a superficially identical context. It isn't a stretch to say the same can apply to misogyny.

Because I can't speak for you, I'll use myself as an example for a moment. I'll give my bonafides: I am a gender-nonconforming, T4T queer, white, binary trans man. I am on T, and I have recently come out to my family. I do not pass. My career as a comic writer is tied to my identity as a trans man. I can confidently say I have never been impacted by misogyny the same way as my friends who actually identify as women. This manifested early on as finding it easy to shrug off the messaging that I needed to be X or Y way to be a woman. In fact, most gender roles slid off my back expressly because breaking them gave me euphoria. I was punished in many ways for this, but being this sort of cis woman did help me somewhat. It's easy to be "one of the guys" in a social climbing sense if you really do feel more comfortable as a man. It also helped me disregard misogyny aimed at me or others because it seemed like an shallow form of bigotry. It was something you could shrug off, but it was important for building "unity" among women. I thought this must be the case for all women, that we all viewed misogyny as a sort of "surface level" bigotry. However, for whatever conditional status I gained in this role, there was a clear message that if I did "become" a man, every non-conformist trait about me would just become a grotesque and parodic masculinity.

That was the threat that was crushing me, destroying my identity and self esteem. That was what I knew intimately through systemic, verbal, physical, and sexual abuse. I could express my nonconformity as a cis woman, but if I took it so far as to transition to male? I would be a pathetic traitor, a social outcast. I truly believe that throughout my life people were able to see that I was not just a failed woman, but an emasculated man.

I do partly feel that the sticking point for many is the idea that the sexual abuse suffered by trans men is inherent to womanhood, and therefore inexplicable if trans men are men from birth. While this disregards the long history of sexual abuse of young boys, especially minority boys, I do see the emotional core. I'll offer that the sexual abuse I suffered was intrinsically linked to my emmasculation, my boyishness, despite the fact that I was not out to myself or anyone else. I believe many trans men have suffered being the proxy for cis women's desire for retribution against cis men, or for cis men and women's desire for an eternally nubile young boy. I also believe they have suffered corrective assault that attempts to push them back into womanhood, which in itself is an experience unique to transness rather than actual womanhood.

I'll note quickly that many, many trans men cannot relate to the idea of feeling confident and above it all when it comes to womanhood. Many of you probably tried desperately to conform, working every moment to convince yourself you were a woman and to perfectly inhabit that identity. I definitely experienced this as well (though for me it was specifically attempting to conform to butchness) but I can concede many of you experienced it more than I did. I still believe that this desperate play-acting is also not equivalent to true womanhood. It is a uniquely transgender experience, one that shares much more in common with trans women desperately attempting to conform to manhood than with true womanhood.

One key theme running through the above paragraphs is the idea that "womanhood" is synonymous with "suffering." A trans man must know what it is like to be a woman because he suffers like one. It should be noted that actual womanhood is not a long stretch of suffering. It often involves joy, euphoria, sisterhood, a general love and happiness at being a woman. It wasn't until I admitted to myself I had never been a woman that I was able to see how the women in my life were not women out of obligation, but because they simply were. The idea that you are a woman because you suffer is more alligned with radfem theory than any reality of womanhood.

When I admitted my identity to myself I was truly faced with the ways that my ability to stand up to misogyny did not equate to being anti-misogynist. I was giddy to finally be able to admit to being a man, and suddenly all that messaging that "slid off my back" was a useful tool in my arsenal. Much like cis gay men feel compelled to assert their disgust for vaginas and women after a life of being compelled towards heterosexuality, I felt disgust and aversion to discussions of womanhood as an identity. I didn't even want to engage with female fictional characters. I viewed other people's sincere expressions of their own womanhood as a coded dismissal of my identity. Like many people before and after, I made women into the rhetorical device that had oppressed me. Not patriarchy, not transphobia, but womanhood and women broadly. It wasn't explicit bigotry, but the effects were the same. I had to unlearn this with the help of my bigender partner, who felt unsettled and hurt by the way I could so easily turn "woman" into nothing but a theoretical category which represented my personal suffering.

This brings me to another point: I sometimes receive messages from nonbinary trans mascs telling me that it's absurd to think they don't understand womanhood and identify with misogyny in a deeper way. I would agree that, if you sincerely identify in some capacity as a woman, you are surely impacted by misogyny in a way I am not. However, why are you coming to the defense of binary trans men like me? Less charitably, why are you projecting a female identity on us? Perhaps my experience frustrates you so deeply because we simply do not have the same experience at all. Perhaps we are not all that united by our agab, by our supposed female socialization.

So, no. I do not believe that binary trans men know what it's like to be women. I don't believe we are authorities on womanhood. I do not believe that when a trans woman endeavors to talk about transmisogyny, your counterargument about your own experiences of misogyny is useful. I ESPECIALLY do not believe that it is in any way valid to say that you are less misogynist, less prone to being misogynist, or-- god forbid-- INCAPABLE of misogyny because you were raised as a girl. I also don't believe your misogyny is equivalent to that of a woman's internalized misogyny in form or impact.

For as much as many in this movement downplay privilege as merely "conditional," those conditions do exist. They do place you firmly in the context of the rest of the world. Zoom out and look at the history of oppressed men, and you'll find the same reactionary movement repeated over and over. Attacking the women in your community for not being soft enough, nice enough, patient enough, rather than fighting the powers that be. Why do I believe your identity is more alligned with cis manhood than any form of womanhood? Because this song and dance has been done a hundred times before by men of every stripe. Transphobia is real, and your life experience has been uniquely defined by it since birth. This is a thing to rally around, to fight against, but you all have fallen for a (trans)misogynistic phantasm in your efforts at self-actualization. You are not the first, and you will not be the last. Get out of this pipeline before it's too late.

[gatheringbones]

[“While Casual Transphobe-coded participants categorized trans women as women and female, their responses were more complicated than a mere yes or no. Amanda most exemplified this in her response after I asked her whether a trans woman is a woman and/or female. Amanda replied:

Um if they get the surgery, then yes I would. But a lot of people don’t have to go through getting the surgery done, if they, you know, because they already have little things, but hey, it takes a lot for them to get their body the way that they want to, so of course I would just go along and go with the flow, whatever.

Amanda’s response, while ultimately signifying a recognition of trans women as women and female, in comparison to those in the previous section and those in the forthcoming section was not a mere disavowal of trans women’s womanhood nor a complete recognition of it. Instead, Amanda’s response explicated what is core to those participants I categorized as Casual Transphobes; that is, a rambling answer due to a lack of forethought. Throughout the interview, Amanda repeatedly noted a lack of thinking about these questions prior to that day. For example, at the end of the interview, I asked Amanda if there were anything she wanted to share that I had not otherwise asked. She responded, “That was a good one. I just can’t get over that one. I don’t see myself tryin’ it, but hey, that was a good question, I’ve never had that question before.” Here, Amanda did not mean a single question I asked. Instead, she meant the entirety of the interview. She had never thought about whether she would date a trans woman, whether trans women are women and/or female, why cis-het men murder Black trans women, and other questions throughout. There was neither an overt hatred, fear, or intolerance of trans women by these participants, nor an overt celebration, acceptance, and/or love for trans women.

Such lack of attention to trans women and cissexism resulted in responses akin to Amanda’s above. A lack of forethought also resulted in microaggressive responses that did not signify an intent to harm trans women. Alyshah felt that trans women are women and female. However, when I asked her if others would see a trans woman differently for being with her as a cis woman, she responded, “Probably or maybe . . . . Because I’m the actual female, probably.” While Alyshah recognized trans women as women, her responses at other points like this reified a differentiation of trans females and cis female.”]

alithia zamantakis, from thinking cis: cisgender heterosexual men, and queer women’s roles in anti-trans violence, 2023

[kalamity-jayne]

Sorry for asking but I am a cis male teenager (well, I thought I was.) but lately I have realized I think I might be a trans girl? I am very scared to drop my masculinity. How did you find out you were trans if that’s okay to ask?

Of course it's ok! I am always happy to help someone who is questioning their gender. However, this is actually a pretty loaded question, because while there is a lot of talk about "when my egg cracked" in trans circles, figuring out you're trans isn't always attributable to any one singular event. Some folks might crack through and emerge from their egg in one swift motion but that is not true for everyone, it certainly wasn't true for me. Sure I could tell about the moment the first crack in my shell appeared, but a single crack in the egg is a far cry from actually breaking out. For many it's a process that can involve a series of revelations and tends to require lots of self reflection and learning how to love yourself. So, there is no quick and easy answer for this. However, I think my story will have a number of different lessons relevant to your question.

Before getting into all that though, I feel I must point out that cisgender folks rarely ask themselves these kinds of questions and when they do entertain these thoughts it's brief and comes with very little agony. The fact you have gone so far as to reach out to trans woman for advice, the fact the you are clearly worried by the prospect of being trans, is a pretty clear indicator that you probably are trans. Regardless of whether you actually are transgender or not, I want you to know that either way, it's ok. You will be ok, no matter what conclusions you come to.

Now, the story of how I figured out I was trans. Bear in mind, the first “aha moment” was 20 yrs ago and things were very different back then. I was about 17yrs old at the time and the term transgender didn't have the currency then that it does now, there wasn't the robust set of terminology that we have today, there were far fewer resources to turn to, no social media, and the overall public opinion was significantly more hostile towards anything LGBT. Anyway, more below the cut.

I didn't follow the typical trans narrative of the time in the sense that, as a child I didn't really care about my clothes so long as my favorite cartoon characters were on 'em, I liked toys typically marketed towards boys, I looked like a boy and everyone referred to me as a boy. So I thought I was a boy. However, I do have a vague memory from early childhood, somewhere between the ages of 4-6, of sneaking into my mother’s room and stealing a pair of her satin underwear and trying it on (it surely would have been too big on me but I remember liking the texture of the fabric) and hiding it under my bed. This memory has since been confirmed during my adulthood by my brother who shared a room with me at the time and had apparently found the hidden stash.

From an early age I was explicitly shunted towards masculinity. I was regularly told to “stop acting like a girl,” and “quit crying like a girl,” and even at one point to “stop walking like a girl,” by my peers and one of my brothers. By the time I was a teenager I was doing my best to be as masculine as possible going so far as joining the highschool wrestling team, a sport that is as homophobic as it is homoerotic, and I hated every minute of it because being manly didn't feel natural to me (and it definitely didn't stop the bullying). It felt like I was trying to ice skate uphill. I fit in but only imperfectly for I was merely acting.

I was also very confused about my sexuality. I thought maybe I was gay or bisexual (turns out the latter) but that didn’t really explain what I was feeling. Around 17yrs old I got curious about transsexuals, thinking maybe the answers would be found there and hoped on to the early and oh so clunky internet. Now I knew of transsexuals conceptually but I didn't know anything about them. Sadly, pornography was really the only reliable way to actually see what a trans body looked like back then. I was stunned because the women I saw did not look at all the way I expected. I was blown away by how so many of them, genitalia aside, looked indistinguishable from cisgender women. And they were all absurdly beautiful. I felt an immediate attraction but there was something else I felt too, envy. And that realization was the first crack in my eggshell.

After that I couldn't get the thought of crossdressing out of my head. So, I dug through a box of my mother's old clothes and took a few items she no longer wore, an old white tennis skirt and a very very 70s sleeveless orange blouse. I was so comfortable in those clothes and when I looked at myself in the mirror I felt good, really good. So, I continued exploring, shaved off all of of my body hair, went to department stores that were open late at night to buy girl clothes (deathly afraid someone would recognize me), I would stay up late at night to watch HBO because at midnight they would occasionally air stuff about trans people, (I remember two documentary shorts in particular and the movie Soldier’s Girl) and I scoured the internet for more information. The internet search brought me to a website called TG list (at least I think that’s what it was called, this was 20yrs ago after all) which was a directory of resources ranging from The Breast Form Store (which still exists!), a myriad of gender identity quizzes (I took nearly every single one), and Susan’s Place.

Susan’s place was one of the few reliable places to hear from actual transgender adults. Unfortunately, while Susan's Place had a lot of useful information the forums there were full of horror stories, a never-ending supply of all the things those women had suffered. So needless to say, there was little to no positivity around transness to give me hope. I was afraid to call myself trans as a result, afraid of what it meant for my life, my future, and my physical safety (you have to remember that back then Mathew Shepard wasn’t old news, his tragedy was practically current events). So I called myself a crossdresser but for reasons I didn't understand at the time I deeply resented that label. I think deep down, no matter how much I tried to deny it and bury it, a part of knew I wanted to be a girl. So when I came out to my parents as a crossdresser and explicitly told them I wasn't trans, that I didn’t have any desire to transition to female, there was that lil voice at the back of my mind calling me a liar. That voice would follow me until my late 20s.

Coming out was a real struggle for me because not only did I think my life would literally be in jeopardy, I thought everyone would think I was making it up, having not followed the stereotypical models of transsexuality. When I came out to my parents they didn't disown me or anything but they were noticeably uncomfortable around me when I was in girl mode. At a certain point I needed their help (credit card) to buy a gaff for tucking and that was when my parents, out of a misguided desire to protect me, pushed me back into the egg. Because of their rejection I spent the rest of highschool and most of my college years trying to hold the egg together with even more denial and by doubling down on masculinity. While I did have some fun during my college years, on balance I was miserable and depressed. I chafed at my male costume and I knew I was lying to myself the entire time, and I hurt myself a great deal.

During my senior year of college I started privately dabbling with crossdressing again, the desire had been nagging at me incessantly. A short time after graduating I met my wife who accepted that side of me and she introduced me to the BDSM/kink community, and the overall culture of nonjudgmental acceptance there cracked the egg for good, because is provided spaces besides my own room where I felt safe being a girl. From that point on I slowly but surely came out of the egg, first calling myself a crossdresser, then genderfluid for awhile, then GENDA passed in NY making me an explicitly protected class and for the next 2 yrs I presented as a they/them genderqueer woman 100% full time without HRT (I was still reluctant to call myself a woman).

I wrestled a long time with the choice to go on HRT. Ultimately that was always a big stumbling block for me. Therapy had gotten me pretty far but I was still afraid of so much and was unsure I would be happy with the changes because my parents had initially rejected me as their daughter in very paternalistic fashion I struggled to trust my own instincts. I still struggle with that sometimes. Eventually, I befriended a trans woman in my neighborhood who pointed out HRT works very slowly and that it takes a long time for any permanent changes to take root. So, she suggested I give it a try and if it didn't feel right I could stop.

I was also taking gender identity quizzes again. Now most of these claim to be diagnostic and those ones a generally misogynistic garbage (they ask stupid questions like, “are you good at math?” and assign a gendered value to the answer) but I happened upon one that started with the disclaimer that it wasn't diagnostic and instead only offered questions that are good to think with. Two questions in particular were very helpful. The first asked, "If you could take a pill that would allow you to wake up tomorrow as a girl, would you take it?" My answer was a hesitant yes, but that yes was bolstered by the next question, "If you could take a pill that would allow you to wake up as a man, in your current body, but without any dysphoria or desires to be feminine, would you take it?" My answer was an emphatic no because that would have felt like killing an important part of myself off. I then at the age of 33yrs old started HRT and 4yrs in I am incredibly happy. That was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Now, I know that was a lot of fucking text to read but I wrote all of that because I know the prospect of maybe being a trans girl feels scary to you right now but I want to assure you that as daunting as it may seem there is so much about being a trans woman that is full of beauty and joy. I love my trans womanhood and despite the hardships, I wouldn’t give it up for anything. In fact the opposite is true. Knowing what I know now, I would give up almost everything in order to be a woman. So if you feel like you want to give girlhood a try, do it! You can take small incremental steps and you can always stop if it doesn’t feel right, either way you will gain a degree of self knowledge most cisgender people lack completely and that is absolutely priceless! Plus, unlike me when I was a teen, there’s all kinds of resources and information available to you now and an entire community of people ready to help you, and unlike the women in the forums from my past, we aren’t all gloom and doom.

As for your fear of giving up masculinity, don’t let that fear lure you into the denial trap like it did me. Denial is like quicksand, once you’re in it becomes hard to get out, the more you struggle the deeper in you go and it is so very suffocating. And the thing is, you actually don’t have to give it all up. Back when I was presenting full time as woman without HRT, I felt like I had to be ultra feminine all the time, full face of make-up, dress, heels, the whole nine yards. Now that I’m 4 yrs in with HRT I don’t feel that pressure anymore and have since reclaimed certain aspects of masculinity I actually liked. I sill like presenting high femme from time to time but these days I mostly rock a soft butch aesthetic, flannel/t-shirt, jeans and the only makeup I wear daily is just a lil bit of blush. At certain point you become comfortable and realize that gender is just a sandbox to play in and experiment. Masculine and Feminine are just concepts, they aren’t real! so regardless of being cis or trans, don’t let those mere concepts box you in! Just do what feels natural and right to you!

I hope all of that was helpful to you anon, and that at the very least you walk away from this knowing you don’t have to have all of the answers about yourself right now. Now, I don't no the particulars of your situation, so I’m happy to speak with you further if you have follow up questions, just send another anon.

Best of luck to you anon, I am rooting for you!

Big hugs,

Mother Calamity

[genderqueerdykes]

Heyyy so I've very much travelled across several different corners of the queer interwebs and along the way I've seen a lot of different perspectives on controversial topics that have helped me form my own opinions, but theres always been one I never really understood. Is "femboy" offensive?? Like, I've heard from, unfortunately, anyone except trans women that it's offensive to use because of the way it's used against trans woman to misgender them, but I've also heard from a lot of people that people who say that are just chronically online.

It's just bothered me because as a trans guy (one that often gets mistaken to be a trans girl by strangers, might I add) I've been on the end of people using a femboy as an insult by people who know I'm a trans guy and people who thought I was a trans girl and honestly upon further consideration..they're not wrong and I'm perfectly okay with that, but I don't know if it would be a problem to call myself a femboy so I guess I'm just looking for a second opinion. I've heard "rosboy" as an alternative but I think I'd rather punch a wall bare handed than call myself a rosboy, just doesn't feel right.

Sorry if this ask is too rambly or somehow rude :[

i've gotten a few questions about this that i haven't answered due to how divisive people are on this one, but i figured it's probably time to give some feedback on this one since people are. extremely heated about this term. and it's not the hill to die on.

i felt like i didn't have a right to talk about this for a while, but as a transfeminine & transmasculine intersex person, i really need people to understand that queer labels, especially slurs, are way more complicated than that. now i feel like i DO have the right to speak about this, because i actually ended up having to stop being friends with a few people, and even leave my own queer discord server because of this very conversation topic.

believe it or not, this is one of the things that made me fed up with my old server. i was, at the time, friends with someone who kept pushing this narrative and would not stop to listen to anyone who pointed out that this term affects multiple groups of people. at the time, i forced myself to agree with them because they were so adamant, but as time passed i realized it was a bullshit take that was negatively impacting our server members. it is an extremely chronically online take, i agree with you. this mentality was cooked up by people who spend way too much time behind a screen theorizing about hypothetical offended trans people that don't exist.

femboy is an insult and slur that does heavily target trans women, but that does not mean its the only people it's used against. much like how queers other than just gay men qualify as fags in queerphobes' minds, there are many people that they are willing to call effeminate cis men, trans men, intersex people, genderqueer people, and so on femboys. i unfortunately used to hang out with 4channers and i have seen it used to misgender trans women a lot, but i also saw it being used to misgender cis men and trans men, as well. the amount of trans men i was seeing misgendered by this term was 1:1 with the amount of trans women being targeted by it.

it's a strawman argument. who are these hypothetical trans women they're talking about, here? where are they? i'm transfem, and the wild thing to me is, i have a lot of IRL transfem friends and i have never, once, in my life, had the "only transfems can use femboy if anyone else uses it they're transmisogynstic" conversation... ever. like i've literally even had my irl transfem friends ask ME why people are so fucked up over the term femboy. like. my other transfem friends have come to me to ask why people are so riled up over trans men and other queer people using femboy. the very people that folks think are super pissed off have asked me "wait, since when was this a big deal?" of course there will be transfems who believe the term should only be reclaimed by transfems, and i see the logic- but it only makes sense in a vacuum. in practice, the use of the slur is much more varied and complicated.

the thing people don't seem to realize is that someone throwing around a slur does not know how the other person they're targeting identifies. they're not going to sit there and go "oh you're a trans man so i can't call you a femboy. i guess i need to come up with a new insult" like. that is not how slurs work. and i just kinda find it bullshit that for some reason, this one term is special, whereas every other queer slur (save for intersex slurs) can be reclaimed by people of other identities if they're targeted by it. like, for example, butch lesbians, especially butch4butch couples get called fags all the time, and are allowed to reclaim that. why the hell is this one special?

i honestly hate that people forced transmascs to come up with an entirely different word (rosboy) in order to express the basically the exact same identity. honestly all this smacks of is people wanting to shit on trans men and transmascs and police our language. like. the friend i had to part ways with was. really fucking transandrophobic. i actually ended up hating myself for being a trans man for quite a while and tried to stop identifying as one because this person was just. so fucking shitty and rude to the transmascs in our lives, and in the discord server i used to be in. this basically just boils down to people wanting to shit on trans men and finding every excuse to do so. this take was born from people who scrutinize every single little thing trans men do in order to demonize us.

like i do NOT see people getting mad about the idea of an effeminate gay man using femboy... but they always target trans men and tell us we can't use it. why are trans men the ONLY people who are excluded, here? hmm. smells like transandrophobia to me

anyway, you're free to use the term. you shouldn't have to settle for an alternative that feels wrong and doesn't suit you, especially if you've literally been targeted by this slur to misgender you. as a transfeminine person, myself, i don't give a fuck, it's not going to hurt me if you want to reclaim something that you have been targeted by. like. if this is something that you have personally dealt with, you shouldn't have to pretend it didn't happen because some chronically online people decided they make up the rules of the queer community.

this will never be a hill to die on. it's dumb as fuck. it's made up bullshit internet drama that doesn't ever come up outside of internet discourse.

[not-goldy]

I do agree that JM is more mature than JK . It doesn't make it a bad thing. Jm is obviously aware of his man, and he is willing to make it work. Hence, they made the decision to serve together. No relationship is perfect. It's not always that 2 people in a relationship have the same emotional intelligence and maturity level. We also have to remember that we don't get to see everything.

I don't know if it's a virgo thing, but my ex-boyfriend was a virgo same birthday as JK. Behind closed doors, he was very affectionate with me. He would always have his hand on me or his leg on top of mine. He would rub my back and give me massages. But when we go in public, if I try to kiss him, he would be so awkward, or if I try to hold his hand. It had me questioning myself and our relationship.

The point I am trying to make is that we don't know what happens behind closed doors iI swear people that saw my ex and I in public probably thought he didn't like me that much. But it was the opposite. He was very loyal, and he was kind, loving, affectionate. I was the one to break off the relationship because he was too possessive, I couldn't have friends or go out without him. I was losing myself along the way.

So please don't judge JK or JM. We don't know everything that goes on between them. Let's support them!

Hmmm

Honestly for Kook I have a feeling what you see is what you get.

I know most people try to put up a facade on camera and would become a whole other person when the cameras are turned off. it's especially true for most men you see on TV.

Unless they are trying to go out of their way to be controversial, most men if allowed to be themselves on screens would be canceled every single time they open their mouths or do anything on camera.

Most cis straight men are not nice people and the ones you think are nice and unproblematic are pretending.

In my experience most men who pretend to be sweet considerate of women, who advocate for women on camera and in public are also the most vile abusive misogynistic monsters in their private lives.

They feel emasculated in the public eye and would go home and take it out on the women and children around them. Fear men if you don't already.

Uhmm, it's not just a virgo thing, I think it's a men thing.

The term toxic masculinty don't exist in the cultural zeitgeist for no reason.

Most men are simply toxic, don't know how to be anything BUT toxic and the boys are not an exception.

We've seen them address this in themselves vocalized it and gradually moved away from it and unlearn these toxic behaviors which I hope to God is not all just an act.

Jimin has had a toxic side to him Jungkook has had a toxic side to him literally every single one of them have been toxic at some point in their life and dare I say might even still be toxic in their personal lives. We'll never know.

It's just the way the male species are.

Most of them are insecure, fragile, don't know how to regulate their emotions, can't take no for an answer which is why they often don't respect the boundaries of others, (if you are a woman or they with boundaries they probably hate you) are egoistic, competitive, arrogant, prideful, can't communicate, don't know how to be vulnerable, cold, insensitive, feel the only way they can get their needs met is through violence and manipulation which is why they'll rape you than ask for sex, hate women, hate children, hate cats, scared of things they can't control, tone deaf, narcissistic, predators, and just plain cruel.

These are the default settings of most cis men and until they do the inner work heal and unlearn these bs behaviors they are quite traumatizing to deal with.

Which is also not to say male masculinty is inherently toxic. men are very different from women and express themselves differently. Their chromosomes are different their testosterone to estrogen levels are different, they're socialized differently and they behave differently. That is perfectly fine.

People who look at Kook and can't tell what's "toxic" from what's typical male nature are themselves toxic.

There's a reason people look at him and think he's quintessential straight male and they look at Jimin and call him gay. It's because Jimin doesn't behave like the typical cis straight male they are used. He's not toxic enough to qualify as cis male.

Actually, I think modern day Jimin is not what the "typical straight male" looks like or even behave like. Debut Jimin is a whole other story.

People who don't like Jungkook and find everything he does problematic should just admit to themselves they just don't like men or that they've built fantasies of what being male actually is.

[yes-17-15]

Hargreeves sexuality and gender headcanons cuz I’m bored.

Luther-

I 100% believe he is CisHet but he is absolutely an ally. He probably didn’t understand everything at first but Viktor and Klaus helped explain and he got the gist of it. He also maybe uses He/They pronouns? He thinks They/Them just sounds nice.

Diego-

I know a lot of people think that Diego is a trans man and I think that would be cool (as a trans man myself) but I just don’t really see it. I kind of understand it but I don’t really agree. I definitely do think he’s Bi though, female leaning. Definitely He/Him.

Allison-

I also see lots of people thinking she’s a trans woman, and I think that’s a great headcanon imo but I again do not agree. I absolutely don’t see her as anything but Cisgender Heterosexual. And I honestly like it that way. I don’t think all of the Hargreeves siblings have to be LGBTQ+, I think some of them should be straight too. I think Allison might have messed around with girls but she just didn’t really feel a click like she does with males. She/Her.

Klaus-

I think most of us agree Klaus is not Cis or Straight. There is no way. I would probably say he is Non-Binary or Gender-fluid. He never heard those terms until they were a bit older, probably after Five disappeared, and the first time he heard it was someone shit-talking it, and they wanted to look more into it. So occasionally Viktor and Grace would be allowed to go to the library because Viktor usually didn’t have much else to do so Klaus asked him if next time he goes if he could look up those words for him and Viktor obviously said sure. He came back and told Klaus about it and Klaus was like, “yep, that’s me.” They were happy there was a word for it. I also think Klaus is Pansexual, but he also isn’t very fond of labels anyway. They honestly just think everyone’s hot (EXCEPT CHILDREN NOT CHILDREN). Any pronouns but mainly He/They.

Five-

I think Five’s above gender and stuff like that. When they were kids Viktor had a crush on Five and Five just found it disgusting. Partially because they’re like siblings but also because Five does not want a relationship or anyone to have a crush on him. Five also never liked gender roles and was confused why there were differences in the uniforms depending on gender. Five saw Viktor and Klaus wearing each others uniforms and was a little confused why Reggie wouldn’t just let Klaus wear what he wanted but also was kind of confused why Klaus even wanted to wear skirts. Five never really thought about gender much though because he thought it was incredibly stupid and useless. Five always thought that way. But especially whenever Five was in the apocalypse, he had absolutely no use for it. Five wishes that they didn’t live in a gendered society but he we are. If he has to use terms for himself, he’d say he’s Agender and AroAce (Yay AAA battery). Five doesn’t like using pronouns and prefers his name but if it’s mandatory Five uses He/Him pronouns but Klaus uses They/them for him cause he knows Five likes it.

Ben-

I don’t know enough about Ben to give a really detailed answer but I have a simple bit to say. I would like to think he’s Bisexual, but I don’t really think he is. I like the headcanon but again we don’t know enough about him. I think he’s Cis too but maybe DemiBoy? I’d probably say He/Him but maybe some neos?? I’m not experienced in them though so I don’t really know any he might use (I’m also talking more about Brellie Ben than Sparrow Ben).

Viktor-

I absolutely adore Viktor. I know lots of people thought he was a Lesbian before season three but no, that’s not the case. He actually liked Leonard/Harold. Before he found out about all the things Leonard did he actually liked him. And when he was younger it’s confirmed (I’m pretty sure??) that Viktor had a crush on Five. Viktor doesn’t only like females, he actually does like guys. I absolutely think Viktor is Bisexual, possibly Pan. I think he could also be on the Aspectrum maybe? But he definitely doesn’t only like women. I also thought he might have been Non-Binary before he transitioned but now I absolutely like him as just a trans man. He/Him maybe He/They and possibly neos?? Again I don’t know much about neos so.

[theriverbeyond]

re: love lies bleeding... i could be wrong but isn't there a difference between the type of steroids jackie was taking and testosterone? i assumed the increasing violence was due to steroid psychosis.

There mostly isn't! The main difference between "juicing"/bodybuilding steroid use and TRT or HRT is mostly just dose and frequency it is being taken. The brands might be different between medical vs recreational use, and some people take compounds that include things like growth hormone or other stuff, but "Anabolic steroid" doesn't mean "bad and used for bodybuilding", it means "hormone that mimics androgens". Link for WebMD overview of anabolic steroids

This is one of the reasons why trans men face issues when wanting to compete in "natural" strength/bodybuilding sports (not to mention, of course, the exclusion of trans women). USA Powerlifting does not specifically ban trans men from competing in the male division, but it bans any and all TRT, with no medical exemption available to anyone, which is effectively the same as banning both trans and cis men with medical conditions that require them to be taking testosterone.

Testosterone replacement therapy's (TRT) goal is to maintain the body's testosterone within a defined medical range. Cis and trans people of all kinds can be prescribed TRT for various medical reasons (post-menopause, being trans, erectile dysfunction, etc). People who use steroids for bodybuilding are blowing right past that defined medical range -- an example is you may see a cis man on TRT with a dose of maybe 0.25mg/week on the low end with the "average" being around 100mg/week. The dose is raised and lowered to maintain the body's T levels within the healthy medical range/the individual's transition goals.

A man using T for a higher performance in strength/bodybuilding sports is likely to be on way, way higher doses, 200-400mg/week or more, and may be taking T in "cycles" specifically intended to promote muscle growth, versus being on it consistently. There are material health risks associated with these high doses but it's not inherently the substance they are using, it is just the dose.

A woman like Jackie is probably going to be on significantly LOWER dose, even for recreational bodybuilding, because women who engage in steroids for muscle growth are usually not looking for the other masculinization side effects of T, so will necessarily want to stay below the TRT levels typically used by both cis and trans men. I mean, this movie takes place in the 80's so they were probably not using modern medical science because it was the 80's, but the reality that a "juiced" woman would probably want to avoid the normal effects of the average T dose remains true because most women body builders regardless of time period are not looking to transition to a T dominant hormone system. link to reddit thread i found

Steroid psycosis does exist, and "roid range" is a known side effect of any kind of steroids -- including non-sex-hormone steroids like dexamethazone. Just go into a children's cancer ward and you will see that steroids will absolutely impact a person's emotional stability on like, a temporary basis. Go on any r/ftm forum and you will see some people having increased irritability as a result of their bodies adjusting to a different hormone system, with much rarer cases of significant emotional challenges. But my critique isn't necessarily to say that it is like, beyond the imagination/too unrealistic, because it's a horror movie and those are rarely realistic. Exaggeration is the name of the game there. Like I said in my original post, it's not that I hate the movie, I'm just THINKING about the movie and how this aspect of the plot landed badly, for me. In this day& age did we have to make the big tall muscle woman w high T also be a crazy violent killer. We exist in the context of all that came b--(im taken out by another sniper)

Anyway. I hope that answers your question now where is that large hook. I need to be dragged off stage immediately before I write another 1000 words on

[honest-moth-of-silver-grove]

Hey, I'd love a matchup for Castlevania, if you're up for it (was not the person who wrote you those ask anons btw, although I appreciate them clearing things up).

I’m a heterosexual cis woman, although I’m starting to suspect I’m on the asexual spectrum. So, I'd prefer a male matchup. Also not super sure I'd be down with polygamy.

I'm a premed student (no time for irl dating unfortunately 😭). I also work as a volunteer EMS on weekends. Outside of my school and work my hobbies are singing (musical theatre and classical mostly), theatre (backstage work as well as performing), skiing (the only sport I’m any good at) and TTRPGs (was this close to getting my group to play a Castlevania campaign 😔).

I’m also a big nerd about history, American comics, and folklore. I’ll rant for hours about my special interests if nobody stops me. I’d describe myself as ambiverted. I'm socially awkward, but also very loud and expressive. I’m a bit oblivious, I’ll admit lol, but I do my best. My MBTI is ESTJ, and while I doubt MBTI's accuracy, I agree I’m very Type A. When it comes to the things I’m good at, I’m a major perfectionist, but I’m proud of how hard I work. I think my greatest weakness is probably thoughtlessness, but my greatest strength is humility.  My giving love language is acts of service, and my receiving love language is quality time. I'm verbally affectionate towards friends but I freeze like a deer in headlights if somebody flirts with me. Also: I know appearance isn’t super important, but I think it’s important to know I’m only around 5’0 tall. As my friends say, "headpat size."

A/N: Okay for you my PreMed Student Anon (that’s amazing, congratulations by the way!)I have two potential matches in mind. You said you’re heterosexual and would prefer male results, so I chose two from that gender because I honestly couldn’t decide which would please you best. For you, I’m thinking either Dracula or Alucard would be your perfect romantic matchups! (It really does just come down to which man you’d like better: father or son, lol.) 

Dracula (Vlad Tepes), as terrifying as he may be when he decides to enact justice on the human population, is a very reserved and intellectual man. He’s introverted and devoted much of his life to learning about anything and everything from medicine to history to poetry. 

In this instance let’s pretend he’s either never met Lisa or he did meet and fall in love with Lisa but she either lived a full life and died of natural causes, or Dracula was able to overcome the anger and blame he held for humanity following her murder.

Dracula is a patient man. Being immortal means he understands that you must dedicate much of your time to your studies and your volunteer work. So long as the few moments you do get to spend with him are uninterrupted and meaningful, I believe he’d be understanding, and even supportive of your academic endeavors. He was more than happy to aid Lisa in her quest to learn more about biology, so I have no doubt he’d do similarly for you. Any questions you have, he’d gladly answer them. Any resource he has in his castle, any book or scroll, any record of any kind is yours to inspect. He has no doubts that you’re going to make a very accomplished professional one day, and he has every intention of doing whatever it takes to help you get there.

Along with that patience comes an understanding that sex is not the end all be all in life. Sure, it has its place for either pleasure or reproduction but it doesn't need to dominate relationships. If sex is something you're hesitant about, or against having, it doesn't make much difference to him. Dracula would be fine without sleeping with you, so long as he can have you in other ways. Holding you close, holding your hand, sitting next to you in front of a warm fire- those things are what make him feel close to your heart. 

Dracula also enjoys how animated you get when you go on rants about your special interests. He’s very versed in history and folklore as well, although not American comics, so he would listen intently as you teach him all you know. 

As an ESTJ, you would be very grounding for him (an INTJ), while still having a great deal in common. The both of you value an intellectual connection in a relationship while your more empathetic, extroverted side would help push him to see the truth of humanity where he may previously have only seen things in shades of black and white. You both strive for the best, and that suits you just fine with your perfectionism, but do be warned, there may be times you don’t see eye to eye. What you hold as most important in an issue or debate may be different than what he holds. Remember to be patient. INTJs are prone to stubbornness, but being a Type A personality, I do not doubt that you’ll be able to handle any contrary moods of his just fine. 

Your thoughtlessness can also be a source of discourse within the relationship, as Dracula is bound to worry about you. You’re human, you're fragile and under so much pressure. He cares deeply for you and does not want to see you hurt. The one advantage you do have, however, is your humility. It keeps you from being both arrogant and thoughtless which is a much more dangerous combination. So long as you are aware enough of your limits, and keep your wits about you the best you can, Dracula promises to trust you enough to let you come and go as you need to, so long as you’re willing to admit when you need help. But with your best trait being your humility, that shouldn't be a problem. 

Dracula is so touched by your acts of service. Being such an ancient and scary vampire no one ever thought to make him tea or ask if he needed help with anything. He feels so fortunate to have a partner who does not see him solely as ‘Dracula’, Lord of Vampires, but as Vlad Tepes, a man at heart. 

Not to mention your size difference is too adorable for words. He’s so tall and you’re so tiny… He always kneels whenever you ask for a kiss, he’ll never ask you to step on a stool or climb a ladder to reach him. He’s more than happy to come to you. He loves you. You are his new light, his new reason to believe in humanity. 

Alucard (Adrian Tepes) could also be a good match for you! He’s an ambivert like you, although he may not admit it. He’s the son of a scholar and a doctor, so he’s very understanding when it comes to your education and career. And his empathetic nature makes him extremely compatible with your considerate one. 

As Alucard is a dhampir and immortal, this matchup could work in either medieval times or modern times. For the sake of this matchup, imagine whatever you might prefer. 

Alucard hasn’t always had the best experience when it comes to sex. Granted, you can’t judge every potential future experience based on one horrible one, but he’s not the kind of guy who jumps into bed easily. He has reservations and feels very insecure about the whole act. Should he ever engage in it, he’d need a partner who’s very understanding, or just as nervous as he is about the whole thing. In hindsight, I don’t think Alucard would mind not having all that much sex: for him, your continued company means more than any sexual endeavor could. 

Alucard is very impressed with your decision to go into pre med. He knows how much work that means you’re going to be undertaking, and he’ll do whatever he can to support you, either in your studies or in your personal life. He’s very well-read and rather educated on biology as his mother was a physician, so feel free to ask him any questions or have him quiz you before exams. He’s also a bit of an obsessive lover. When he decides he likes someone, he makes a point to memorize that person. (Recall the Trevor and Sypha dolls?) He wants to know what you think and why you think it. That way, he can anticipate your thoughts or needs. 

And he does quite enjoy it when you sing to him, especially if you sing him to sleep. Sleep hasn't always come easy to him, but with your presence and your lovely voice, it’s as if an angel is singing him a lullaby. I also believe Alucard would absolutely thrive playing TTRPG: he’s sarcastic, smart and strategic. I really think he’d dominate any campaign he set his mind to. Plus, it’d be great socialization for him besides you. 

As an ESTJ you’re fairly compatible with Alucard’s INFJ. You’re just extroverted enough to pull him out of his idealistic daydreams, but grounded and predictable enough not to shake his confidence or trust in you/your relationship. The only possible issue is that INFJs can sometimes get caught up in the fantastical destiny of it all: it’s about people and purpose. Whereas ESTJs tend to be a bit more practical- you value reality and stability a bit more than potential and daydreams. But I don’t envision this to be a huge problem, so long as you push communication with Alucard. He internalizes a lot. He’ll need to be reminded to share his inner feelings. So long as you do that, I don’t see any major discourse between you two. 

Alucard may be a little disappointed in your moments of thoughtlessness, but at the same time, he finds them endearing. You try so hard: you’re a perfectionist like he is, and even though you’re only human, you strive for the same greatness. It’s rather admirable. He likes that about you. 

Alucard would also be very touched by your acts of service, mainly because he often finds himself doing the service for others. It’s nice to be taken care of for a change. And he is very happy to spend quality time with you. He’d follow you everywhere if you let him. So long as he’s near you, he feels complete. He’s always leaning down to give you soft forehead kisses whenever you’re around. You’re so precious to him. 

[starrylayle]

have you considered that maybe you projected a bunch of stuff on tonks that wasnt there and reading further into the books simply proved you wrong? (for example, the fact that you say she hates being called dora, when what she says she hates is her full name, nymphadora). not every woman has to want kids and be married, but why should tonks have been that woman when she wasnt intended to be so, your own sterotypes on her "type" of character aside? because you liked her?

ok first things first -- you're right about one thing -- Tonks wasn't written to be a queer character. Like at all. I don't think jkr intended anyone in the hp series to be queer,, not even dumbledore (that was definitely an afterthought lol). Any reading of queerness is subtextual no doubt.

That being said,, queerness in media, especially children's media, before 2010 is almost always subtextual. It is very difficult to find any canonical queer characters in 90s/2000s children's media. Queer ppl are still gonna read these books however. And a lot of us relate to a certain 'type' (as you put it) of character -- usually ones that are 'different', don't conform, etc, etc.

A lot of queer hp fans saw themselves in Remus (ostracized for his lycanthropy aids metaphor -- which is not a very well done metaphor but i digress) or Tonks, in her disregard for femininity, tomboyish ways and spunky nature.

Now the problem I have with people saying that we can't headcanon characters who have stereotypically queer traits is --- well who would u rather we headcanon as queer then? It's unrealistic that every single person in the harry potter universe is a raging cis heterosexual -- thats just not how life works lol. Sometimes people will say, 'hc some one as queer that's not a stereotype'. Ok would you rather me headcanon ron as trans? Hermione as a lesbian? because i can provide analysis' for those readings too. But then the argument would be,, 'there is nothing queer about these characters you're just making shit up'.

What I'm trying to say, is that these questions feel like a trap. If we headcanon characters who have traits that alot of queer ppl have the argument is 'you're just stereotyping!!!' If we headcanon people that have traits that aren't especially common with queer folk then the argument is that we're 'just grasping for straws'. The only correct answer in this scenario is to not headcanon anybody as queer for the sake of not hurting cishet ppl's feelings.

also i just wanna add that tonks is not the only tomboyish character in the series!! We have Ginny, the girls on the quidditch team and probably more that I'm forgetting -- plenty of str8 tomboyish characters to go around lol.

I think you'll find that queer ppl aren't as obsessed with queer headcanons as u think -- we just want representation. You'll find in a lot of fandoms that centre around queer shows like the owl house, heartstoppper, our flag means death,, people generally just accept the sexualities presented to them because there are already canonical queer characters in the show.

[papercranesandpride]

I think I've managed to stop being nonbinary in the most nonbinary possible way.

Gender is all bullshit. It's dumb. It is a weird system that people made up that we all just have to live under. So like, I'm not going to pretend that it means more than it does, or that how I feel about it actually matters. I'm just going to see what the societal rules say.

Do I fit the criteria for a man? I mean... Yeah kinda? If we're going off body stuff, I'm on T, I want a penis, and I'd like to get rid of my tits. Presentation? I dress masculinely enough these days. Like definitely still women's clothing in there, but an amount that is like, a man who is kinda gnc. But not always GNC. Words? Yeah I think these days I like masculine words. I'm still very strongly it/its, but like. You can be a man who uses it/its. Pronouns don't have to equal gender. And if I want the rest of the words to be masculine, man and brother and guy and dude, and when I'm with normal people who I know better than to explain it/its to I go with he/him, then like. I feel like it/its pronouns are not enough of an excuse to call myself nonbinary.

And then interests and attitudes? Please, let's not even pretend any of that has anything to do with gender. I mean, for one thing, if it did the theater geek who danced all its life, works in nursing, and sews would be a woman. And yet here we are.

The thing is like, even if any of these answers were different... I could still be a man. A man can be literally anything. A man can have and like tits and wear dresses. A man can use she/her pronouns and be named Jessica. A man can be anything. And all the same is true of nonbinary people. So if my transition goals are more in line with a trans man than a nonbinary person, and I like being seen as a man, like... Why pretend that my actual feelings have anything to do with it? Man is clearly the factual correct answer.

You know those cis people who are just cis out of convenience? You're like "if you woke up in the other body tomorrow, how would you feel?" and they're like "eh. Whatever. I'd adjust." You ask them if they feel like a man or a woman and they're like "I mean. Everyone thinks I'm this one. I look like this one. I certainly don't mind this set of words. I don't think the other set of words seems particularly better. My body is cool. Yeah, okay, I'm a man/woman." Could you call those people nonbinary? Sure. Some of them do call themselves nonbinary. But a lot don't just because that seems like too much work and they don't really care.

It turns out you can still have that gender while being trans. It's just going "well. I want facial hair and penis and no boobs. That's the traditional man body. And I don't really care about gender otherwise. So. Like. Yeah I guess if that's what society says those parts mean, I'm a man."

Do I feel like a man internally? Eh. Not really? A bit? But I also don't really feel like a human internally. I've got too much schizophrenia for that. I haven't had a strong sense of self in half a decade. I'm just a collection of thoughts. It's probably hard for a continuous monologue without any real soul to feel like a man.

So like. Sure. Yeah. I'm a man. That's the answer that seems the most workable. I have reasons for being a man, andI feel like I don't have good reasons to be nonbinary anymore. If I change my mind later, that's fine. I kind of hope I do just because change is cool.

[bytedykes]

maya fey for the character ask thingy :3

Sexuality Headcanon: WOMEN!!!!!! maya likes women for SURE i dont have like, a specific label for her but she is into women

Gender Headcanon: honestly i dont really think abt it that much so i guess cis woman but i have seen some really good transfem maya stuff before!!! im not a transfem maya truther but i believe in their beliefs <3

A ship I have with said character: basic ass answer is franmaya... i do actually like them together, i think it could be a rlly fun dynamic to explore. also maya/regina was cute in case 2.3 (one of the only things i liked about it rip) i've seen some good maya/blackquill stuff before also but its not really something i ship just an interesting dynamic. in general though i dont really devote much time to shipping maya w anyone i think her canon platonic/familial relationships are already very interesting

A BROTP I have with said character: PHOENIX!!! nick and maya 4EVER they are so good. !!!!! i loveee their dynamic, they work so well together and really bounce off each other well. i also like the more serious aspect of how mia's death connected them and how they both share this grief even in very different ways. i like how even if mia hadn't died they still would've probably been friends when she introduced them :) anyway phoenix and maya are very fond of each other and i think it's really sweet - bridge to turnabout is one of my favorite cases in part bc of the very present bond between them and how much phoenix cares about maya (same w the engarde case, but that one is almost better in this regard bc of how maya's care for phoenix is also heavily present). also big fan of the silly part of their dynamic where maya steals his wallet and hits him over the head with evidence <3

another really interesting relationship that's less canonically present is maya & godot. what we see of them in bridge to turn about is soooo compelling, and i would have loved to see more of them. i think in a world where godot eventually gets out of prison he and maya could work to have some kind of relationship to both their benefit. <- its interesting how mia and mia's death is kind of a driving force for maya's connections to people, maya & mia is also deeply interesting and compelling but i could write an essay about them so i will just say that i love them a lot as well lol

A NOTP I have with said character: phoenix... dislike the age gap + i just think they're better as a platonic relationship lol. maya/phoenix is like the one aa tag i actually have filtered kjaskd

A random headcanon: if u assume that in aaverse lawyers are famous and there is law twitter fan spaces . maya 100% has an account where she posts "lawyer spotting" pics of phoenix (and also edgeworth). neither of them know abt it . maya is lawtwt famous

General Opinion over said character: I LOVE HERRRR she's the og aa weirdgirl !!! maya is very dear to me, she's definitely one of my favorite characters and i love seeing her. currently my friend and i are playing aa4 and i miss her so bad :'( maya in general is a very endearing character, and she + her family is a big driving force in the trilogy which i find very compelling. she's also just cool! i love it when teenage girls have weird superpowers! i think maya is a very caring character who is silly but has really impactful serious aspects to her which are so awesome to see <3 anyway i did draw maya every day for months last year so like yeah u could say i like her a normal amount lol

TY FOR THE ASK CHEREN <3 mayaaaaa maya fey i love her sooo much. girl ever<3

[the-rockinahard-place]

I’m a relatively fresh convert and I really agree with your post about how queerstake is important. The hardest pill to swallow with my conversion is the rejection of LGBTQ+ people and identities in the church.

As reference for my age, I’m a young YSA. I’ve identified as a lot of things over the last ten years as I’ve grown up, and I think I’ve generally settled on bi or queer as my label in terms of sexuality. I’m cis-ish, so I don’t face gender/presentation issues at church (besides the regular issues of being a woman in the church), but I experimented a lot with gender over the past eight years. I’m comfortable now identifying as a cis woman, but I experienced a lot of dysphoria in my early teens, and to know that five years ago I would probably not be welcomed in the church — at least to the degree I am now — is painful.

I feel like I can’t express my bisexuality/queerness and my previous struggles* with gender with church people IRL, especially as a new convert. It’s like I have to prove that I belong. I’m also very very active, which makes it harder.

Like you, I really appreciate queerstake as a community and resource to know that Heavenly Father loves and accepts me. We will not be resurrected and chastised for being too loving, too accepting, too “ourselves” in this life. That is not what Christ lived and died for.

*To be clear, I do not in any way think transness or questioning is a “struggle” that needs to be solved. I say “struggles with gender” only to refer to my own personal experience with internal and external pressures wrt my gender.

This is everything^^^ talking about our personal experiences like this is exactly why queerstake is so important. I hear you, being gay, ace, trans, bi, pan, & etc is a struggle in our church!! When some days feel harder than normal, I have to remind myself why I do it, I have to ask myself Why do I show up? but the only question that gives me answers is Why does God want me to show up? the way I see it is that we are here for a reason, God put us in the world at this time for a reason as you said 5 years ago in the church is different to today and 5 years from now its only going to get better. We serve as the church’s reminder that there is progress to be made and we aren’t something you can get rid, thats not what God wants. If the only change I could provide is showing up to church on Sunday in a suit and forcing those around me to accept it, then so be it. I’ve met plenty of members who have just relaxed when then realized they weren’t the only queer one here. We must simply find eachother and hold on. (ik I talk a lot about dances but its relevant trust me) I was my best friends date to prom because she was too scared to bring her girlfriend. She didn’t want people to see her different and its little stuff like that, that truly hurts me. All we can do it hope, and “fight” the harmful church beliefs that push us away, one day, someday, who we are will be seen as special, and not something to be afraid of.

[commsroom]

sorry if u answered this before but do you hc Eiffel as any particular race? I know him being white would probably match how he sees himself as the everyman. But on the other hand he gives me light skin vibes and I can't explain why. (Also no matter what he has long hair but curly haired Eiffel just speaks to me)

mm. i know you're just asking for my opinion, but that's a complicated question. and i am not the right person to be talking about this, so please take it with a grain of salt. one of the few legitimate criticisms i have of wolf 359 is that it's a show about personal identity, resisting dehumanization, and recognizing that other people navigate the world in different ways, but it tries to be raceblind. which. it can't. particularly when something like minkowski's identity as a polish immigrant is addressed.

i think one of the reasons that wolf 359 characters feel as real as they do is how collaborative the character development process was; they are really roles that are shaped by and belong to those actors. lovelace is played by a black actress, cecilia lynn-jacobs's input determined a lot of things about her, and the audience reaction to lovelace getting shot near the end of s3 was the way it was because there was an understanding of her as a black woman. whether she was initially written to be black is kind of irrelevant in that case, i think - she still is, and she resonates with people that way.

but every other main character in wolf 359 is played by, and similarly influenced by, a white person. and that's a problem. no matter how you approach it, wolf 359 is not a diverse show: if they were written as non-white, then being played by white people would be a problem. raceblindness also enforces a default assumption of whiteness. i think if eiffel wasn't meant to be read as white, then there are aspects of his character arc, his assumption of himself as the "default" person and general ignorance of how it feels to be "other", that probably could've been explored from a different angle.

i know people who see him as white because of that, and i know people who see him as another race because of how they connect with him as a character. and i can understand both perspectives on that, but i don't think there's a right way to approach it. i think the show unfortunately, in this one specific way, kind of dug its own grave. gabriel urbina has said however you see these characters, that's correct, and i can agree with the sentiment, but it's also mired in a lot of difficult context, because these are specific people, and these things should matter to them. it can't be interchangeable, and so it can't be that ambiguous. it could be handled a lot better. and based on his more recent work + politics, i wonder if he would've approached it differently, if he had all the information then.

about how i see eiffel: i've said many times before that i see him as a man who could be reasonably played by zach valenti, so the eiffel in my head is white. the eiffel in the art i commission, or the art where i'm like "oh!! eiffel!!" is not necessarily. the second most eiffel-like guy i can think of, who i also use as a reference sometimes, is iranian. but for me to say that eiffel was iranian is not really a claim i think it would be right for me to make, and i think it is probably not true.

the main features that i think eiffel must have are dark, wavy/curly hair, prominent nose, noticeable body hair, generally expressive. he absolutely cannot be light haired, clean shaven, or pale. and from a general standpoint, like... a wide variety of men could meet those qualifications. i don't want to reinforce an assumption of whiteness, but i'm also extremely wary about treating race as functionally cosmetic, since. again. it can't be. no show is removed from real life social contexts, and wolf 359 is about a lot of very real things.

i think if you do interpret eiffel as specifically a cis, able-bodied white guy, there's something very real and very unfortunate about the fact he initially ignores lovelace and hera, two marginalized women, and seeks reassurance from minkowski that they were overreacting. he listens eventually, but the person who gets through to him is presumably the Next Most Visibly Privileged Person, and that's... hm.

[askanallo]

Hi! I don't know if this ask will make any sense, sorry if it doesn't.

I'm asexual, aromantic and agender and there is something i don't get about hetero/homosexual and romantic attraction.

Gender is a social construct and is something you feel on the inside (I'm guessing here, correct me if I'm wrong) and gender presentation is the way you present to the outside world (clothing, mannerisms, etc.). So how can you be attracted to a specific gender, what is the difference between a masc presenting man, woman or an enby. Have you ever been attracted to someone who you thought was a man, but later learned wasn't? and if so did that information change your attraction to them?

Thank you in advance! This has been in my head for a while and I needed to get it out.

Jesus, this is not an easy question. I feel like there's probably academic literature on this topic, or at least a few articles by people with Gender Studies PhDs. You might be better off looking up that stuff, as this goes quite a bit beyond the scope of one person's experiences.

I don't really know whether to put a content warning or what here? Just be aware this is a cis person talking about gender.

A closeted trans woman and a cis man look the same. I could be attracted to someone who's actually a woman without knowing, despite being heterosexual. I don't think the internal feeling people have of their gender is actually very relevant to attraction, which is a process that goes on in another person's head.

I'm also not super sure about gender presentation. My boyfriend has definitely been into me even when I had no make-up on, was completely unshaved, and was dressed head to toe in men's clothes (...that I took from his closet lmao), including boxers. About the only feminine thing on me was my semi-long hair, and I don't really style it. If it was mostly about clothes and styling, I don't think he would have liked kissing me while dressed like that.

…so what's it really about? I'm not really sure whether I can actually answer this question. I'm not sure how gender-based my attraction even is. If my boyfriend came out to me as nonbinary but looked the same, or maybe experimented with fashion a bit or something, I'd continue being attracted to him. But if he started changing his (visible/percieved) sex through hormones and surgery while still identifying as a man then, I don't know. I don't think I would be into him? But I couldn't say that with 100% certainty.

Doesn't help that I'm in a regressive society where attraction is absolutely viewed through the lens of sex and where I don't really get into contact with trans and gnc people. Everyone I've talked to and been attracted to has been cis to my knowledge, so that probably informs the way I view my attraction in more ways than I consciously know. There is very likely queer literature about these topics, and there's definitely a few Tumblr posts - I'd probably go looking there if you want more experiences. Ones with way more perspective, probably. If you are genuinely interested in this topic, you will have to continue looking if you want a conclusion. I'm sorry.

[transmascpetewentz]

mutahar is right. Why should we care about a sexual predator’s identity? Chris literally said he started identifying as a woman for lesbians to be interested in him.

note: this is the only ask about this situation i am answering. i'm not an expert, and i don't know nearly enough to be acting like one.

regardless of christine's reason for identifying as a woman (which is none of our business, really. it's not up to us to identify for her), she is a trans woman, having changed her name in fucking 2016. if a cis woman had allegedly stated that the only reason she doesn't identify as a trans man is to get lesbians to like her, the reaction would be a lot different.

besides, when i looked up this factoid, all i could find was (1) people saying it wasn't true and/or (2) transmisogynists repeating this unsourced claim and speculating about her sexuality. that's not to get into all of the transmisogynistic and ableist harassment that christine has gotten throughout her life. i don't know much about her life until she allegedly raped her own mother, but she was a bit of a "lolcow" which is basically internet for "autistic/disabled person we don't like."

and last of all i'd like to address what she allegedly did. that being rape of her elderly mother. as we probably know already, her case was dismissed, meaning that they were probably unable to find enough evidence. the evidence that we do have of her doing this, as far as i can tell, is one phone call with a troll. this troll was likely manipulating christine into saying what she wanted, whether or not this event did occur. there's also a non-unlikely possibility that the phone call was mostly or entirely fake.

all in all, please be critical of what you consume online, and please, even if the allegation sounds bad, spend a few seconds thinking about the other side's perspective; or just basic human decency really.