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nightingaelic · 3 years ago

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Companions reacting to the couriers birthday

Thanks for the lighthearted one, anon, lately I've been getting some super plot-heavy, game mechanics-heavy or just plain heavy requests, so a birthday is just what the doctor ordered 🎂 Also a happy birthday to @profess0rjam!

The courier had been acting a little strange. They slept in for once, something that had hardly happened since the mess at the dam. They seemed like they weren't paying attention to anything around them, even though Freeside was in rare form that day with caravan traders, pickpockets and children hunting rats all over the place. It wasn't until the courier tripped over a crate of barrel cactus fruit outside a farmer's trading stand and had to apologize by buying all of the bruised produce that their companion finally turned a questioning eye on them.

The courier looked down at the armful of fruit they had acquired and sighed. "Remember when we went through Primm last month? I stopped in at the Mojave Express branch there, and Johnson told me he got those records in from the Hub. Most of it was stuff I already knew- height, weight, eye color, hair color, shoe size for some reason... but they also had my birth date. It's today."

Arcade Gannon: "Whoa." Arcade straightened his glasses. "Uh... happy birthday. How do you feel?"

The courier looked from side to side and shrugged. "I don't know. I don't feel any different. Is that normal?"

"Um... yeah?" Arcade chuckled nervously. "I mean, you know you're a year older, but it's not like a switch gets turned on or off. You were still getting older even when you didn't know when your birthday was, Six."

"Yeah, but now it's... marked," the courier replied, wrinkling their nose. "Like when Mr. New Vegas talks about me on the radio. I feel weirder about his news bulletins than I do while I'm actually out doing the things he reports on."

"Well, you're alone on that one, Six," Arcade said with a hint of jealousy in his voice. "Not everyone can attract that DJ's attention the way you do. Then again, if I ever wind up on the radio, it probably won't be good news for me."

He patted the courier on the shoulder reassuringly. "Come on. Let's get rid of the cacti fruit and head to the Atomic Wrangler to celebrate. I'll buy you a drink."

Craig Boone: "Did their records tell you anything else?" Boone asked.

"Uh... no," the courier replied. "Well, a couple of things, actually. They kept track of most of my trips when they first hired me. I've been all over the place, apparently: Circle Junction, Fort Abandon, around the Big Circle a few times, even Utah. They also wrote down that I refused to tell them where I came from, so no new info there."

"Mmm-hm." Boone frowned. "It's a start, for sure. Maybe you can retrace your steps, someday."

"Yeah." The courier picked a piece of fruit and held it up, inspecting its color. "We should do something fun tonight. Celebrate."

Boone cracked a rare smile. "For your birthday? Sure."

"Want to go see a show at the Tops with me? I think the Lonesome Drifter is playing the Aces again. Maybe we can catch him after for a drink, ask him about his travels."

Boone moved to accept a few of the cactus fruit and lighten their load. "Sounds good to me."

Lily Bowen: "Well isn't that just grand," Lily said with a smile. "How old are you turning, dearie?"

The courier made a face and giggled. "How old are you, Lily?"

"A lady never reveals her age," Lily answered primly. "Point taken, pumpkin. You should walk that fruit home to the icebox while Grandma gets going on her shopping list."

"Shopping list?"

Lily nodded. "Of course. Flour, eggs, butter, sugar, and a few other things."

The courier gave her a sly look. "What are you up to, Lily?"

"It's your birthday, dearie!" Lily replied, seizing them and the fruit they were carrying in a hug. "We have to bake a cake!"

Raul Alfonso Tejada: Raul grinned. "Feliz cumpleaños, Six. Happy birthday."

The courier looked back at him with frustrated helplessness in their eyes. "What am I supposed to do with that information? What do people do for their birthdays?"

"Well, it's a bit different now than it used to be," Raul answered, scratching his bald head. "But back in my day, we threw a little party if we had the time and money. Some years were better than others, and some were bigger milestones. In my experience, once you got past 18 there wasn't much left to celebrate except staying alive for another year. Or if you were en los Estados Unidos, 21."

"Okay." The courier nodded, then kept nodding. "Okay. Can you do me a favor?"

"Sí."

They dumped the armful of fruit into his hands. "Take those to the Old Mormon Fort and pass them out to anyone who looks hungry. I need to track down some friends and see what they're doing tonight."

Rose of Sharon Cassidy: "It's your birthday?!?" Cass was positively beaming. "Well shit, Six. Could've told me sooner, and I'd have planned some kind of surprise."

"Eh-heh." The courier looked sheepish. "That's what I was afraid of."

"What?" Cass put her hands on her hips. "I didn't think my surprises were that bad."

"No, no, it's not that," the courier reassured her. "It's me. You know what I do, what I've been up to. I wasn't sure I'd... I have a lot of enemies, Cass!"

"Ohhhhh, I get it." Cass threw an arm around their shoulder and steered them through the Freeside marketplace. "You weren't sure you'd make it to today, so you didn't say anything. Gotcha."

"And I'd feel like crap if I told you my birthday was coming up, and then I bit the dust after you'd already bought me a present or something," the courier added.

"Pffft." Cass waved their concerns away. "I'd just give that present to myself, then. Don't let the ones gunning for you dictate how you live your life, Six. Now come on, let's pick out something new and shiny for your gun cabinet up in the Lucky 38. My treat."

Veronica Santangelo: "Six!" Veronica squealed and did a little dance. "Happy birthday! Oh my goodness, there's so much to do, we need to round everybody up, we need to go book a table at the Gourmand, we need to-"

She stopped when she caught the courier biting their lip. "Orrrr we could not do any of that. Whatever you like, it's your birthday."

"Can we just... I don't know." The courier shuffled their feet in the dust. "My life has been kind of crazy lately, and the people on the Strip won't leave me alone if I show my face in one of the casinos. I went up to the cocktail lounge in the Lucky 38 last night and pushed some tables together. I think we can fit everyone, even if the Securitrons will have to squeeze around us to serve drinks."

Veronica's smile returned. "Okay. Yeah, that'll work. But I don't know what kind of food House has in his pantry, nowadays."

The courier answered by holding the cactus fruit up. "This'll help."

"That's not nearly enough." Veronica looked around the marketplace. "Stay put. I'm going to go find some of those kids chasing rats. They'll probably help us carry some groceries back to the Lucky 38 for a few caps."

ED-E: The courier's eyebot bobbed and beeped quizzically, as if unfamiliar with the term.

"Um, how do I..." The courier wracked their brains. "Today is the anniversary of my... creation. My assembly."

ED-E blipped a few times in quick succession, surprised.

"No, no, that's not- no." The courier shook their head. "How do you know what that is, but not understand what a birthday is? Today is the day I came out of my mom, ED-E."

The eyebot blatted understanding and disgust, as if displeased with the mechanics of biology. The courier laughed. "Well, that's what it is. Yes, I know, humans are strange, and no, I don't know why it's important. It just is. Come on, let's go hand these out to those kids we saw earlier."

Rex: Rex cocked his head to the side, tongue lolling happily. A cactus fruit escaped the courier's arms and fell to the ground, but the cyberdog gently picked it up again and offered it to his companion.

The courier smiled down at him. "Thanks, Rex. Let's go see if the King has any more refugees in need of a meal."

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theladysexpistol · 4 years ago

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Can i get Josuke, Polnareff, Formaggio and Narancia trying to jumpscare their s/o but they were holding a kettle with boiling water and they spilled it on themselve and getting a bad burn ?

Hi anon! So my character limit is 3 unless it’s a team, I hope you don’t mind me just doing Polnareff, Josuke, and Narancia 🥺 don’t get me wrong i like Formaggio too (I’ve got a veryyyyy spicy WIP for him on the side), but I think him and Polnareff might be pretty similar anyway.

Also awww this kinda fluffy angst, the poor reader!

~~~

Polnareff

I cannot for the life of me remember what ep this is from lmaoo Pol you just really look so funny

To say Polnareff was devoted to you was almost an understatement. In the months he had been gone, investigating something for a friend he wouldn’t tell you about, he made sure to smother you in affection from afar. Love letters, flower bouquets ordered from vendors down the street you weren’t quite sure how he did it. You knew he missed you terribly, and you missed him too.

Especially on mornings like these, with the sun so bright and warm, not a cloud in the sky. You smiled to yourself at how cheesy it was to think of Jean Pierre just over a normal, sunny morning, but you imagined he would make a morning like this anything but mundane. You made yourself a cup of tea and went out to the front porch of the little cottage you lived in.

Polnareff wanted to surprise you when got back. It was incredibly difficult for him not to call you instantly when he was finished investigating. He wanted to hear your voice, to see you, to hold you and catch up on the months of time he had lost with you. He made his way up to your house with the widest grin on his face, and the largest bundle of roses in his hand that he could possibly afford.

Both of you had the perfect reunion set up in your mind. You reached for the door at the same time Polnareff swung it open.

You jumped back when the door appeared to come alive, spilling your tea all over yourself. The boiling liquid burned your arms, and as if you wouldn’t have already started crying upon seeing him, you burst into tears.

Polnareff’s smile fell and the roses were discarded to the ground as he lunged forward toward you, putting his arms around your back to steady you.

“Mon cherie, what happened? I am so sorry... I didn’t mean to frighten you mon amour! Let’s get that treated right away.”

Despite his hulking frame and rather large muscles, Polnareff was gentle and tender as he helped treat your minor burns. Eventually your tears gave way to laughter. He had just been trying to surprise you and look what you had done. Any sort of romantic reunion was completely thrown out the window as the two of you had grown worried, spent the first hour together again trying to fix your stupid mistake.

He gave you a very confused look when you started laughing, and his face almost made you laugh more. Finally, you gathered yourself enough to bring your hand to his face, and pull him down into a kiss.

“Not what I had planned but...” you smiled as you finally got a good look at his face again. “Welcome home.”

Josuke

“Oh! Hello Josuke,” your mother greeted him after he’d knocked on the front door.

“H-hello, ma’am... uh, I mean Mrs [L/n],” he bumbled, internally flinching at his own trip up. It didn’t matter how many times he talked with your parents, it made him incredibly nervous. There wasn’t even any reason to be! They were incredibly kind to him; and if he could deal with his own mother, he should be able to deal with anyone. He sighed, ran a hand over his pompadour habitually, and gathered himself. “Is [y/n] free? I was hoping we could go together to meet up with our friends at the cafe.”

“Hm? Oh yes, [y/n] is awake in the kitchen. Go right on ahead, Josuke.”

As he stepped past your mother, however, he noticed she had a coat and her purse thrown over her shoulder, as if she was leaving. She seemed to notice him staring, because she smiled once more at him.

“I’m just running to the grocery store. You two kids better not get up to anything while I’m gone!” She said before stepping outside and closing the door.

Even though he knew she was teasing, Josuke felt a blush crawl across his face. He heard that all the time from his own mother, but there was something different about your mother saying it to him.

Now that he knew the two of you were alone though, he wasn’t embarrassed to give you a little surprise kiss. Purposefully, a miscue IOU’s grin crawled on his face as Josuke snuck toward the kitchen; for someone of his height and stature, one might think this was impossible, but Josuke had learned by now the art of stealth in order to play video games while his mom was sleeping down the hall.

He peeked his head around the wall, where he found you standing at the counter, humming a song to yourself. He was so overcome by the thought of how cute you were that he didn’t notice the kettle of boiling water in your hands as he lunged forward.

“Gotcha!” Josuke gleefully yelled as he seized you by the hips, but his lips did not make their way to your face.

You, aware that Josuke may be stopping by today but assuming you were alone when your mother left, shrieked upon the feeling of someone grabbing you. The kettle in your hand went flying, as did the cup of tea you had already poured in the other. By the time you realized it was Josuke, and that your mother must have let him in, you were already crying as the hot water burned you.

“Wha- shit! Shit!” Josuke immediately grew agitated when he recognized you were hurt, it then took him several moments later to realize it was his fault.

If there was one thing Josuke was devoted to, it was protecting the people he cared about. That was the basis behind the restoration ability of Crazy Diamond. And he was the one who had hurt you.

You didn’t flinch when he reached for you, that much was reassuring to him. He took both of your hands in his and manifested his Stand. It never mattered to him in the moment when people who couldn’t see Stands realized he had healed them somehow; all that mattered was taking away the pain, making it anew. And he wanted nothing more than to take the pain away from you. Even if Crazy Diamond’s ability made him feel the pain instead, he’d gladly take it. The burden belonged on him, it was his fault.

A minute passed and you passed your fingers over where the burn had been, mesmerized and stunned. You had no idea how Josuke had healed you. In fact it was somewhat of a miracle. But you didn’t want to think about it now, pushing it from your head as you looked up toward him.

“I’m sorry,” your boyfriend muttered, looking utterly defeated.

“It’s okay Josuke,” you cooed softly, wanting nothing more than to see his smile in that moment. “It was an accident, that’s all.”

As you pushed your head into his chest and hugged him, Josuke tenderly wrapped his own arms around you too. Right, an accident. And Crazy Diamond had healed you, restored your skin without fail. So that the only thing left of the incident was the dripping countertop where the kettle had spilled, and the guilt already weighing heavily on his spirit.

Narancia

Waking up in your arms was what Narancia lived for. You werent living together yet, but it was something you discussed often; especially considering how much time he spent at your place anyway, and how much he slept over. He had an extra bag left in your apartment just in case he got called out to a mission while in your home.

But when Narancia woke up to an empty bed, he found something he like even better - the smell of breakfast wafting from the other room. You were cooking for him?! It was like every day, you got more and more perfect to him.

Narancia hastily got dressed, pulling on much of the clothes he had been wearing the previous day. He assumed that in all his fumbling and swearing, you would have heard that he was awake from the open bedroom door.

He stretched, mussled his hands through his bedhead hair to make it more of an even unruly mess, and bolted out of the room straight to where you were standing in the kitchen.

“Buongiorno!” He yelled as he wrapped his arms around you tightly. His eyes were closed and a big grin was over his face, delighted to spend another morning with you.

But when Narancia heard you gasp, felt something hot drip ever slightly on his arms, he opened his eyes and his wonderful morning shattered.

“What happened?!” He growled immediately, as if he thought someone had attacked you. You were clutching your arm against your chest, gasping over and over again. But then Narancia’s eyes wandered over the stain on your shirt and the liquid on the floor, the shattered cup, and Narancia realized exactly what happened. Espresso was one of his favorite things, but right now he hated it more than anything else in the world.

“Cosa ho fatto? Damn it! Oh god, [y/n], I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to spook you!”

He couldn’t help but panic a bit, upset that he had caused this. All you had wanted to do was make breakfast for him and he repays you by burning you? Eventually, Narancia calmed down enough to bring you a wash cloth of cool water to wrap the burn in and guided you over to the couch. Your voice helped calm him down too, assuring him over and over that it was an accident.

Of course, how much more pathetic could he be? You were in pain, you were the one who had been hurt and yet you had to comfort him? Narancia was visibly upset as you brought him down to sit next to you, and cuddled into his side. Narancia was tense, but wiped the tears on your cheeks away and watched as you fell asleep with him. He was surprised by this trust; the anxiety that you might not feel safe any longer in his arms would keep him wide awake at night from that moment on.

~~~

[A/N: so like I spent a long time trying to come up with these and liked my ideas... but after writing them idk how I feel. I feel like I made the Polnareff one too lighthearted and the Narancia one too serious. But I put so much effort into them that I can’t see them coming out any other way. The Josuke one turned out exactly how I planned though. I hope you like them all anyway!]

#bree writes #jojo fanfiction #polnareff x reader #josuke x reader #narancia x reader #tw burns #angsty #request 💖

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anotherashley · 4 years ago

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I would like you to know that I have reread chapter 1 three times now and it is more beautiful each time. I anxiously (but also patiently) await more chapters. 💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚 (bc I’m not a jerk. So I’m not asking for more or anything.) (but if you were to post a teaser....I would not be opposed....) (HE LEFT PATRICK IN HEAT AND PATRICK WANTED HIM TO STAY! WHY?? WHY THE LEAVING???) (ALSO! Why the dinners with Aiden??? He is not Patrick. Dinners only with Patrick. No Aiden. Only Pat.)

i’m planning on trying to post aiden’s chapter after the amnesty week of quaranthon is over with. so you won’t have to wait too long. (hopefully). but I appreciate your encouragement and lovely words!

surely jonny couldn’t stay and take advantage of patrick during his heat right? there’s no way patrick really wanted him to stay right? it’s just the heat talking. not patrick. because if it was...patrick would’ve said something before? in all the years they’ve known each other?

i wouldn’t worry about the dinners, anon. just childhood friends hanging out. we’re only OTP up in this house! and because you asked so nicely...

As requested a teaser for Aiden’s chapter:

It’s early afternoon when Jon pulls up in front of Patrick’s building and Aiden hops into his car. He only has a hoodie on instead of a jacket even though it’s cold as balls outside and there’s snow on the ground. But that’s Jon, ten degrees hotter than everyone else and ice in his veins.

The cold has never bothered Aiden as much as it did Patrick, but he still wouldn’t be caught dead in freezing weather without at least a few layers to protect him. Fuck that shit.

“What do you feel like?” Jon says, reaching out to mess with Aiden’s hair.

He just got his curls to lay right about five minutes ago and he’s not going to have Jon screw it up so he throws up an arm to cut him off and pushes at him with a laugh.

“I don’t know, whatever.”

Jon smiles. “Trick question. I already decided on the way over here, we’re going for burgers.”

“Sounds good.”

Jon checks traffic, to make sure it’s clear, but doesn’t pull away from the curb yet. “You sure? Kaner would already be arguing with me about not having any input.”

Aiden snorts. “He just likes being fucking contrary.’

“Funny, that’s what he says about you.”

“Of course.”

“Is he coming down?” Jon asks. He looks hesitant.

“Oh, um, he said he had plans so it’s just us.”

Jon nods. “Gotcha. Has he…”

“Has he what?”

Jon looks out at the street again and finally puts the car in drive, merging into the closest lane, behind a city bus. They get past the bridge and stop at a four-way light before he says, “Is he - is Kaner okay?”

“Yeah?” Aiden says, confused. “Why wouldn’t he be?”

He’s never really understood the weirdness Jon has about his brother, but it’s always been there, for long as Aiden can remember. He assumed it was an alpha and omega thing. The hormones can often make shit heightened for them, or so he’s heard. They learned a bit about it in health class growing up and he thinks it was mentioned in one of their old, ripped up textbooks from the 80’s about how alphas and omegas will often be drawn to each other in their biological need to reproduce, but in Aiden’s experience, an omega is just as likely to go with a beta as an alpha. And he’s known plenty of alphas who date betas. Same dynamic pairings are more rare, but hell, he’s come across those too.

Everyone always builds up alphas and omegas to be the epitome of fairytale romance, but the world is mostly built of betas like Aiden, and it kind of sucks ass never being represented.

Anyway. It’s whatever.

He doesn’t get Jon and Patrick’s whole magnet act, constantly drawn to each other until they flip and repel, the cycle forever repeating. It’s probably just the hormones.

“I don’t know.” Jon shrugs, his eyes trained ahead of him on the road. “He’s been pretty quiet since he came back from his heat week.” He grips the steering wheel harder. “I wanted to make sure, you know, as his captain, that he’s alright. That everything went well?”

“‘As his captain,’” Aiden laughs, doing quotation marks with his fingers. “‘That everything went well.’” He rolls his eyes. “Dude. He’s fine. You’re being extra weird.”

Jon frowns. “I’m not.”

He is, but Aiden never expected him to admit it. It’s not Jon’s style.

#oatt #Anonymous

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marvxlousqueen · 5 years ago

Text

Warren Worthington- Tease

requested by anon: Hi!! , i was wondering if you could write something where the reader can read minds and she can hear that warren has a massive crush on her, so she always act confident in front of him. And maybe some smut with sub warren??

word count: 1.8K

A/N: this took forever i am so sorry! also i didn’t have time for the smut :( but pls enjoy

Monday, September 16th. 7:42 am

(Y/n)’s eyes were half closed as she looked over her calculus quiz. Getting a pop quiz was never fun, but having a pop quiz during your first period? Well, that’s just the definition of hell.

She was supposed to be solving for a geometric limit (something she had studied for), but her brain hadn’t woken up yet. Instead, she turned to her mutation for answers. She looked towards Kurt who was seated in front of her. (Y/n) focused on him, trying to get into his head.

“As x approaches b? Vhat does that even mean?”

Kurt’s thoughts were no help, he seemed just as lost as she was. She moved to focus on Scott, who was seated a few chairs over from her. (Y/n) eyes flicked towards him, trying to not be noticed by the teacher.

(Y/n) finally got into his mind, just to be suddenly overwhelmed by noise.

“It’s the EYE OF THE TIGER! IT’S THE THRILL OF THE FIGHT-”

Scott was too busy singing Survivor’s newest hit to himself to share answers.

(Y/n) let out a long sigh, looking around at the other students. She didn’t trust most of the kids enough to steal answers from them, but she figured she didn’t have many options either way.

Looking around to find someone smart, (Y/n)’s eyes were caught by the stark white of Warren’s wings. They looked so pristine under the florescent lighting, making him truly look like an angel.

Wonder what he’s thinking about, she thought to herself.

Despite liking him for so long, (Y/n) had managed to refrain from peeking into his mind, afraid he might find out and be upset with her (and also possibly afraid that she might hear that he likes someone else).

Before (Y/n) knew what was happening, she was inside Warren’s mind. She could hear his breath roaring in her ears.

“She’s not writing anything either- that’s a good sign. If she fails this quiz too, I won’t look stupid in front of her. Or maybe I should try and impress her. Or would I just look like a douche?”

Warren’s head was filled with thoughts surrounding a certain “she”. (Y/n) could only guess that he was talking about Ororo, who was only a few chairs in front of him. The two were very close, so it wouldn’t be a surprise if he liked her (although she tried to push those thoughts away).

And that’s why you don’t spy on crushes, you only get hurt, she thought.

(Y/n) tried to make herself shut him out, but part of her wouldn’t let go. She was holding onto his words, somehow enjoying his nervous tone. It made her feel closer to him, having never seen that side of Warren. He was usually quiet, but it seemed like in his own head he tended to ramble on nervously. It was cute.

“Maybe she could tutor me- no what if she thinks I’m dumb, she wouldn’t date a dumb dude. But also we’d get to spend time together.”

Warren was running through pros and cons of asking the girl to tutor him, and he was being quite thorough, which (Y/n) thought was sweet. He really cared for this mystery girl (probably Ororo, but still not 100% sure.) and despite (Y/n)’s heart being crushed, she was happy he was happy.

“Plus (Y/n) has the same study hall as me so it could work out great! I guess I need to actually ask her- oh fuck I need to actually ask her.”

(Y/n) felt her jaw drop, her head whipping from the front of the room to face Warren. As she turned, she caught him staring at her. His faced turned red and he looked down at his quiz quickly.

Me? Holy fuck! He likes me!

(Y/n) quickly tuned into Warren’s thoughts once again, hearing him scold himself.

“Shit! Shit, shit, shit- she saw me. It’s fine, you’re fine, Warren. Just play it cool. Keep it cool.”

(Y/n) bit down on her lip to repress her smile.

He. Likes. Me.

She turned to look back at Warren. His face was buried in his hands, his quiz pushed to the other side of the desk. It seemed he had given up on it.

Maybe I should ask if he wants tutoring, she thought.

(Y/n) figured Warren wouldn’t make the first move, so she planned to ask him during lunch that day.

She went through the rest of her morning classes like she was floating. Having her crush like her back was something that had never happened to her before. It was amazing.

Now the only thing was to somehow get Warren to ask her out. Although (Y/n) already knew how he felt, she didn’t want to make that move. She knew him well enough to know that he got embarrassed when girls did the “boy’s” job (toxic masculinity in the 80s, am i right?).

If she just acted a bit more confident and up front, he’d be sure to ask her out in no time.

As fourth period came to a close, (Y/n) went over what she wanted to say to Warren in her head. She wanted to offer tutoring help, but not accidentally make him feel dumb or act like she was better than him. (She was probably overthinking this, but she tended to do that around him).

The bell rang and she swung her bag over her shoulder, rushing down the stairs to get in line before it got too long. Looking ahead in line, she saw Warren near the front. Her breathing started to pick up and she went over her words once again.

After getting her food, she walked towards Warren’s table where he sat with Peter, Kurt, and Scott.

“Hey, Warren! And, uh, everyone else I guess.. Anyway! I was wondering if you wanted to study for math in the library after school some time? This unit is pretty hard and the test is next week so.. yeah.”

“Y-yeah! I mean uh, yes. I would like that, yeah. Today? Can we do today? I’m free after school.” His face was red and the words spilled out, unable to stop himself from totally embarrassing himself.

“Sure, yeah! I’m down. I’ll see you then,” she said as she walked away.

Warren nodded, licking his dry lips, “O-okay!”

Peter burst into laughter once (Y/n) was out of earshot, “God, that was the worst thing I’ve ever seen.”

“What? Shut up! I was cool.”

“You were definitely not cool. You need to relax around her. Just chill.”

“Or,” Scott said in between bites of his pizza, “Just ask her out already and see what happens.”

“I can’t do that! It’s way to early for that! She’ll- she’ll say no and I can’t take that.”

Scott shrugged, “Fine. You’re suffering, not mine. Do what you wish.”

Warren huffed, returning to his food before the lunch period ended.

At 3:00 after his last class he pushed his way through the hallway and towards the library, wanting to beat (Y/n) there so he could get set up and look sophisticated. He opened the door, taking a seat at a table towards the back for privacy.

(Y/n) joined him about 5 minutes later, lips stretched into a smile. “Hey! Sorry, had to run upstairs to get my textbook.”

She sat down next to him, plopping the textbook on the table.

“Okay, so! Should we start with algebraic limits? I’m better with those.”

Warren nodded, cheeks red as (Y/n) stared at him, waiting for an answer. She flipped open the book and moved to pull out her notebook. As she was moving her hand brushed Warren’s, making him turn even redder.

He tried to follow Peter’s advice, but wasn’t any good at keeping his “chill” around the girl of his dreams.

She touched my hand!

(Y/n) laughed a little when she heard his inner voice. To mess with him further, she placed her hand on his arm while explaining the first practice problem.

She’s- She’s touching me! Oh god, she’s so pretty.

Her face heated up from Warren’s internal comments. (Y/n) flipped the page, reading out loud about the limit definition formula. Her right hand was flipping pages as her left fell to Warren’s thigh.

“So as x approaches h, you can use the same power rule to avoid solving for h and f...”

Holy fuck, holy fuck, holy fuck. I- what the fuck.

Suddenly Warren coughed, his head whipping down and back up quickly, but (Y/n) continued reading as if she didn’t notice.

Oh god, will she notice I have a boner? Oh fuck, I’m awful!

(Y/n) suddenly choked on her words, looking at Warren quickly.

“Wh- I mean, uh, which problem should we start with?”

Warren shrugged, face bright red, “U-uhm, any is fine.”

They studied for the next hour and half, (Y/n)’s hand occasionally hitting Warren just to see his reaction.

After their studying session, (Y/n) returned to her dorm room, frustrated that Warren hadn’t asked her out when she was being so obvious that she liked him!

“I guess I need to do a little bit more,” she thought to herself.

The next day in their training period, she had decided to partner up with Warren (who of course immediately said yes). Raven was teaching about how to throw an opponent off balance by kicking out their legs from under them and pin them down.

Oh great, so I’ll be spending today on top of (Y/n), Warren thought. His face burned at the idea of (Y/n) pinning him down.

(Y/n) smiled, loving the way he blushed so easily. She spent the next half an hour repeatedly pinning him to the ground, smiling at him from above.

“Gotcha!”

Warren laughed, “S-sure do.”

By the end of training, Warren felt as though he couldn’t breathe. Not because he was tired, but because (Y/n) always made him breathless.

She approached him where he was drinking from the water fountain. “You’re cute when you blush, by the way.”

Warren spun around to face her, “T-thanks? Thanks. So, uh, so are you. Not- not just when you blush, I mean- like-”

“Thank you,” she cut off his rambling.

Ask me out! Ask me out! Please!, she thought.

Warren nodded, scratching the back of his neck.

You know what? Fuck this!, (Y/n) thought.

“I know you like me.”

“W-what?” he sputtered out. “I- I don’t, I don’t like you! W-where did you hear that?”

“Well, sorta heard it from you. I really didn’t mean to look into your head, it just kind of happened.”

Warren gulped, eyes wide, “O-oh. O-okay, sorry.”

“What, no don’t be sorry! I like you too!”

Warren let out a long breath, “Why didn’t you lead with that?!”

“Just wanted to tease you a bit more.”

“That’s evil!”

“Oh, you love it.”

taglist: @chocolatealmondmilkshake @thoughtlesspace @chxrrymoons@babebenhardy@rexorangecouny@cyndagoaway@killcomet@mcrmarvelloki@queen-turtle-boiii@hardlylo@ziggymay@jacqueline1916@onceuponadetectivedemigod@ixchel-9275@queen-baelin @radiob-l-a-hblah@kurt-nightcrawler@kellypenac@disaster-rose

hmu to be added!^

#Warren Worthington #Warren Worthington III #warren worthington iii smut #warren worthington imagine #warren worthington x reader #warren worthington iii x reader #ben hardy #ben hardy imagine #ben hardy x reader

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littlenightma · 6 years ago

Note

I just read the one about the slashers confusing their s/o for a random victim and absolutely loved it. I wanted to ask, could I get the same premise but with Bubba, Chucky, and Freddy?

Note: Thank you, sweet Anon. Apparently, a lot of people really enjoyed them which really took me by surprise. I am glad you guys like what I write :)

Warnings: Mentions of blood and murder

Bubba:

• Bubba can tend to get a bit too excited and aggravated depending on how a situation goes.

• Unfortunately for his s/o, they happened to be around on a day where a victim happened to escape. His brothers went out to look for him while Bubba stayed back.

• He was kicking dirt and shaking his chainsaw in the air, huffing, and wailing. It just wasn’t fair. He almost had him!

• You would hear Bubba from the house and you became instantly worried. He didn’t like for you to be around him or his family during “play time” but he sounded pitiful as if he was hurt.

• Rubbing your hands on your apron from washing dishes, you went outside to see a small tornado of dirt and dust. They could see Bubba spinning around.

• They became worried but also relieved that he didn’t appear injured, however, he seemed upset so they decided to go and comfort him.

• Their clothes whipped around from the wind and your lungs became clogged with the air so you covered their mouth with their hands. Their eyes thrown shut with just a small slit to allow them to walk

• Bubba soon became tired, but he was still mad. He saw a small shadow behind him and without thinking, he assumed it was the victim trying to mess with him.

• Not today! He would not allow them to escape again. He would prove himself.

• He yelled loudly and spun around, his chainsaw roaring to life above his head. He swung down and stabbed them in their shoulder.

• They screamed but all that came out was a harsh cough. They fell on their side with a groan, not understanding why he was acting this way.

• “Bu-bb..b..a..” they spoke, but their words were hoarse and muffled. Too low for Bubba to hear or make out.

• Bubba gave another yell, swiping down once more and catching them in the leg. They screamed and feared that their time with the Sawyer family was up. They must have decided that they were going to be the next family meal.

• With one final cry, their vocal cords screeched out a painful

• “BUBBAAAA!!” Before their face buried itself in the red dirt, heartbeat slowing down from blood loss.

• Yes! He’d celebrate, hooping and hollering.

• His brothers would come back and he’d meet them eagerly, wanting to show them his good work, but he would stop dead in his tracks, chainsaw falling languidly in his hands.

• The boy from earlier was being dragged by his two brothers when be should have been laying just a few feet behind him. If he was with them, then who was…

• ?_?

• Bubba would freak the ever-loving fuck out and this is not an exaggeration.

• He’d cry and cry and cry until he couldn’t anymore and even then he’d still cry, begging for his family to help. His skill was using the chainsaw, not first-aid.

• “Shit, Bubba, you’ve really done fucked up this time.” Nubbins said, twiddling his fingers in stress because he was afraid that his favorite person would die.

• He’d be rocking himself in the corner of the living room as his older brother worked on you. It wasn’t the cleanest or the most precise work, but he did stop the bleeding and their heart rate increased to a steady pace.

• The family would use the bloodied water to flavor the dinner that night. His s/o wouldn’t mind as they knew it was their way of saying they are glad you are okay now.

• Bubba would sit next to their bed as you ate. He’d sometimes wipe their chin when they missed their mouth.

• “Bubba, I swear that I am fine. You scared me, but I know it was a mistake. We all make mistakes.”

• They would kiss his unmasked face to further prove their point.

• He’d solemnly nod, feeling a little better, and they would snuggle into his chest that night, finding comfort in Bubba’s soft body. His arms would be wrapped around them loosely, not wanting to hurt them any more than he had.

• Chop Top noticed Bubba’s untouched plate and elbowed his brother about it.

• “I don’t think Bubba is going to want to eat meat for a while.” Drayton said disappointingly, but he wouldn’t say much to Bubba. Not this time.

• It would be only half true. He’d eat meat, but he was staying far away from anything that contained anything of his s/o. He wouldn’t approve of dinner that night, but his s/o didn’t seem to mind so he relented. But he wouldn’t eat it. No, he wouldn’t eat it. He was the one who spilled their blood in the first place. Oh no, he wasn’t going to eat it. No, sir…

Freddy:

• This dream demon was having one hell of a time in someone’s dream turned nightmare.

• He’d have them running around scared and lost in his favorite nightmare scene. Rusted red pipes with hot steam blowing everywhere making the air humid and uncomfortable.

• “Come here, Little Piggy!” he’d cackle, blades stretching with anticipation.

• His s/o somehow was brought into the dream world once they fell asleep, however, Freddy was too preoccupied to feel their presence within his realm.

• They wandered around, seeking Freddy, calling out his name, but no one answered back. Until they heard his laughter in the distance. Oh, so he wanted to play, huh?

• They smiled and ran around the hallways, trying to sneak up on Freddy. While they did, Freddy’s target ran past you on the other side of the piping in the opposite direction of where they came from.

• Freddy heard to who he thought was his target’s footsteps and figured they had gotten turned around.

• His eyes glittered darkly and his gloves snapped excitedly. He waited around the corner and the moment he saw movement, he cackled, jumping in front of them.

• “Gotcha, Bitch!”

• Each blade entered the victim’s stomach at once. They screamed and Freddy instantly stepped back from shock.

• They fell to the ground with a thud that echoed throughout the hallways and Freddy’s ears.

• “Son of a bitch!”

• Flecks of glitter surrounded their unmoving body as Freddy tried to heal them with his powers, but the wound wasn’t healing and they would already be gone from sight.

• In the real world, their parents found them in bed with a stab wound they believed they inflicted upon themselves and took them straight to the hospital.

• They would be in intensive care for three weeks and able to go home at six weeks when the doctor’s and psychiatrist deemed them not suicidal, even with the unexplainable wound that appeared.

• During the stay at the ER, the doctors gave them medicine that made them sleep without dreams so Freddy had to watch from his place in the dream world until they could come home.

• “Why the fuck was you there in the first goddamn place!?” would be the first words said when his s/o appeared again.

• Curse after curse and a few from his s/o as well before it would eventually end with them in tears and Freddy telling them to fuck off and never to come back.

• He was secretly pissed off that he was unable to fix them himself due to not having enough souls and he deemed himself weak. He was mad at them for being at the wrong place at the wrong time. He was mad at his victim that got away, but most of all he was mad at himself.

• His s/o felt more hurt than what happened earlier. They left the dream world within a few pinches of their arm, leaving Freddy all alone.

• “Fuck this shit. Pathetic little human, I don’t need you anyways!” he threw his glove on the ground angrily, the blades clanking against the metal.

• Weeks would go by and not a word from either party. The s/o would take Hypnocil to keep from dreaming of Freddy. He was so evil and rude, it was inevitable that this was how their relationship would end.

• But they wouldn’t admit that they did miss him. Did he miss them too? Probably not, not him. He wouldn’t stoop that low for someone like them.

• One day they would be watching tv when a new caster flashed a post on screen. A young girl had been brutally murdered the night before with the words “It Should Have Been You” was sketched into their skin by some kind of blade.

• They would turn it off and go into their bedroom. They would notice a white tulip on their dresser with a note with god awful handwriting:

• Sorry for being a prick - Signed, The Man of your Dreams.

• That night they would decide that maybe, just maybe, they wouldn’t be taking the Hypnocil.

Chucky:

• He and Tiffany were on a spree and he told his s/o to stay home.

• “But, Chucky, I want to help you. You don’t need to rely on Tiffany all the time…”

• “Babe, please. It’s too dangerous and I need someone who knows what they are doing.”

• They would frown and Chucky would sigh, rubbing his hand on his head.

• “We’ll do something when I get home. Just the two of us,” he said, hoping that would make them feel better.

• “Okay…”

• They’d watch Chucky and Tiffany leave in the van and as they rode away, Tiffany blew them a kiss from the window, her doll face fading away in the distance.

• He doesn’t even like you anymore, slut

• They could be Chucky’s perfect partner. They’d show him. They would be perfect together.

• They followed Chucky and Tiffany to a park where a group of young people were having a bonfire. Parking far enough away where Chuck and Tiff wouldn’t suspect a thing.

• They were stalking the group until one of them found Chucky sitting on the ground and another found Tiffany.

• Chucky and Tiffany had found the group’s stash of paintball guns and replaced the paint bullets with real ones and watched as the group started to kill themselves one by one.

• This is when the s/o would decide to make their move and sneak up behind the last remaining person, but when they were about to pounce, they felt something pierce their shoulder right on through and into the chest of the person in front of them

• “Oh my god, Chucky. A double whammy. How lucky are we. I didn’t even seen that one.” came Tiffany’s voice from behind you.

• “Why do they look familiar?” asked Tiffany after a moment.

• “Because they’re both in a puddle of guts and blood. We’ve seen this before, Tiff.”

• “Seriously, Chucky. The one who ran in front of our bullet has the same shirt that [S/O’s Name] was wearing when we left. Look,”

• Chucky’s s/o was in so much pain that they couldn’t speak and they listened on hoping Chucky would realize it was them.

• Chucky would step closer and see an earring that looked all too familiar. It was the same exact style he got his s/o for Christmas that he stole from a jewelry store.

• “No way…Tiff, get the van! Now!” Chucky barked as he knelt down and turned the body over and saw the eyes of his baby.

• “TIFFANY!”

• “I am going as fast as I can with four inch legs you bastard!”

• “Take your heels off!”

• “Fuck you!”

• The ride home was awful. It was bumpy and the van was filled with Tiffany and Chucky’s arguing back and forth. His s/o other would go in and out of consciousness.

• At home, they would be placed in bed and still they would be arguing. Eventually, his s/o would finally lose the battle with their head and fall into the abyss of sleep.

• Chucky is not known to show his feelings, especially if they are more on the tender/emotional side. He would become angry and distance himself to find all the first aid equipment and a doctor who he’ll threaten until they corporate.

• The doctor would be disposed of after since Chucky would be in no mood to show mercy, not while his s/o lay in bed on the verge of death.

• The doctor would stabilize his s/o and work on their shoulder. Chucky would not leave the room, eyeing the doctor with his knife showing in his pocket just enough so the good doctor could see.

• “I told you she would only get in your way,” Tiffany mumbled under her breath.

• Chucky’s eyes steeled, head swerving to meet Tiffany’s judgmental gaze. “Say that again and I will rip your head off your fucking body.”

• …

• “You really love them, don’t you, Chucky? You never acted this way when I got hurt.”

• “Don’t-“

• “I’m just saying. You act different around them. You really must love them. Just admit it, dumbass.”

• “…yeah, I do.”

• His s/o would be listening from the bed, a smile on their lips. They reached a hand and caught Chucky’s with their’s. “I love you, too.”

#bubba sawyer #bubba sawyer x reader #freddy krueger #freddy krueger x reader #chucky #chucky x reader #charles lee ray #texas chainsaw massacre #childs play #a nightmare on elm street

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herefortheace · 6 years ago

Text

Masterpost: People in “Ace Discourse” DO Hate Aces and Aros

And it’s despicable and scary and it needs to stop.

I’ve made most of this post before, but I’m creating a new one because 1) I didn’t expect how long it would get and failed to include a by now much needed “read more” at any point and 2) tumblr won’t let me update the old post anymore via reblogging.

So before I copy the old links and add new ones, a not so brief explanation of why this is necessary.

People, for some reason, after years of blatant evidence to the contrary still claim “ace discourse” has NOTHING to do with anyone hating aces and aros, that not even a single person involved (or anywhere) does. By blatant evidence for people here hating aces and aros, I mean everything from pathologizing our identities to comparing us all to violent misogynists and white supremacists to wishing harm and death on us. Yet the anti-ace/aro crowd will claim we’re just making it all up because we’re hysterical liars who ��wanna be oppressed”. It’s a blatant and nasty silencing tactic, but sadly not ineffective because people fall for that shit.

Which is why I originally made this post and am now making it again.

A too influential bunch of people on this site have spun a wild narrative wherein aces and aros are this super privileged group of people who essentially can’t be harmed and whom it’s therefore funny to treat like shit. They also act, over and over, as though asexuality and aromanticsm are some sort of evil idoelogy rather than minority orientations.

A lot of us - most of us I see around - belong to various oppressed groups, but the anti-ace/aro crowd has worked hard to erase that, because it becomes very obvious very fast that it’s not funny to sexualize aces and aros or compare us to Trump or claim our orientations give us an “oppression fetish” when you keep in mind who exactly they are saying it to (I’ve spoken at length about the anti-ace/aro crowd’s efforts to erase aces and aros of color and how they make me furious as a WoC here, but you’ll find plenty proof among the links below). This is not just incredible bullshit, but harms especially the most marginalized of us.

As does the more general willingness of the anti-ace/aro crowd to throw misogyny, racism, ableism and all sorts of bigotry around as a weapon against us. A ton of the links here contain some seriously dehumanizing shit.

Whatever else you may believe, asexuality and aromanticism as identities do not confer any social privilege and do not make people impervious to or deserving of harm. And frankly I should not need to say this.

But apparently I do, and I also (after all this time still) need to prove we’re not just making it all up for attention or to trick people, so here we go. I’m mostly copying the old parts (1-8) of the list as-is because I don’t have time for anything else. Also, while my point definitely isn’t that every single person involved loathes aces and aros, this crap didn’t suddenly come into an already existing “ace discourse” (by that name) either - it’s a huge part of how it got started and was a deliberate move by many to make it gain traction.

This is by no means a complete list, but the shit the anti-ace/aro crowd on this site has pulled includes:

Comparing aces and aros to Trump (and pretending this is funny)

Comparing aces to Pence

Comparing aces to Ronald Reagan (and pretending this is funny)

Comparing aces to a literal slave owner

Making fun of aces not being accepted by their parents and of aces finding this upsetting (making it into a crytyping “joke”)

Making aces feel shitty/shaming them for telling their parents they’re ace because it’s supposedly “unnecessary”

Saying if we tell family about being ace, it’s no wonder if they send us to therapy

Doing their best to sexualize the orientations of aces, in so many cases. The link before these two is also connected to that. They treat our orientations like (graphic) details about “our sex lives”, frequently acting like if we want to talk about them ever we’re gross/creepy

This one is also “nice” re sexualizing aces (one of many examples of ppl also engaging in sex-shaming while they’re at it, saying only one’s partner should know anything about one’s “relationships with sex”. Except this person goes kinda even further)

More sexualization, when I say this freaks me out as a WoC, I’m told this white person gives no fucks and wants me to be miserable

Another person who says the identities of aces but also of aros need to stay between them and their Partners because they’re “TMI” and inherently sex-shaming somehow

Oh yeah did I mention, much the same with sexualizing aros and ppl frequently link our identities to misogyny and to using people while they’re at it

Making light and fun of ace WoC asking to not be sexualized because don’t we know aces have done Bad things and so we deserve it/don’t get to complain

One of many examples of white people who hate aces+aros talking over PoC and trying to erase us from our communities (+usually when we call that shit out they don’t care. This is actually one of the more cordial responses I’ve come across despite the lack of apology lol.

Another example of white ppl in the anti-ace/aro crowd talking over aces and aros of color here complete with that person condescendingly lecturing a PoC about racism

People like this saying outright they hate aces

Saying sex ed shouldn’t teach about asexuality

Outright stating they think being ace/aro gives people privilege (because supposedly aces+aros both benefit from conservatives pushing for abstinence)

Outright invalidating the identities of aces (who don’t have the attitude towards sex they think they should have)

Calling asexuals demons

Outright calling aces and aros a “plague” and saying aces/aros regardless of other identities all need to be kicked out of the LGBT+ community.

Erasing the identities of people who speak out against anti-ace/aro shit to declare them “straight” or “cishet” …or saying that treatment is what they get for being “traitors to their own community”

Ignoring the boundaries of aces/aros who have them blocked and don’t want to be vagued to make fun of them …

…or even to continue sexualizing them after they have made it very clear that shit freaks them out (cheerfully doing this to a WoC)

Someone saying asexuality does not exist and “encourages slut shaming”

Spamming the ace positivity tag with vile hate (ppl have talked a lot about how this harms and endangers especially mentally ill ppl)

“aces are embarassing“ in the positivity tag

Posting nsfw content in the ace positivity tag and being completely unapologetic, apparently using the reasoning that our identities are inherently nsfw anyway (see the “TMI discourse” aka people sexualizing our identities)

Calling aces and aros a “sexuality fandom” while pretending we’re a group full of people with every privilege imaginable, bored of being accepted by everyone and of having no Actual Problems in our lives. This kind of nasty erasure constantly goes on and is a big tactic in this mess tbh

Wanting aces to be “exterminated”. For good measure putting this in the ace positivity tag

This disgusting vile shit that I don’t even know how to sum up but it includes wishing death on someone

Talking about wanting aces/aros dead after somehow misunderstanding(?) a post that was very clearly not about asexuality or aromanticism

Graphically telling aces to die

Specifically telling ace kids to kill themselves

Did I mention that many people in this mess have wished death on aces and aros and that they often put it in positivity tags. Some of the most messed up shit I’ve seen is missing because I didn’t reblog/respond to it at the time or can’t find it right now

And I know anons don’t count as hard “proof” for anything but have the less graphic one of the death/rape threats I got in my inbox for speaking out against anti-ace/aro shit (still kinda eerily detailed though. Not linking the other one because it is extremely graphic)

Part 2:

Comparing aces to a literal white supremacist (in the positivity tag)

Again someone invalidating the identities of aces who don’t have the attitude towards sex they think they should have

Sexualizing aros again, not caring about how it affects particularly aro PoC. And here two other ppl sexualizing and demonizing aros, like in posts further above claiming (non-ace) aros just use people for sex (said on positivity post).

Someone sexualizing aces again and engaging in sex-shaming at the same time, as usual with the claim that literally no one but a partner “needs” to know our orientations

Those Rachel Dolezal comparisons I mentioned made by non-black/white people who want to use antiblackness for what they call “ace discourse”? Yeah here is one white person doing it and here is another, even worse example where a white person goes “this is like if I pulled a Rachel D. and put on blackface and used the n-word…” (paraphrasing here). Here is the latter person utterly dismissing me being upset by their antiblackness (because black ppl’s pain only matters when it’s useful)

[For ppl who don’t know: Rachel Dolezal is a white woman who pretended to be black and built her career on it. White people sure as hell do not get to compare this shit to anything that is not antiblackness and use black people’s pain for their own purposes.]

A white person using antiblackness as a weapon against aces and aros in general (aka “ace tumblr”), acting smug regarding how supposedly we’re all so racist and “get triggered” by black people existing. (I am so tired of white ppl using racism as a cheap “gotcha” against aces and aros - groups which include PoC. And who then ignore or belittle PoC who call them out)

White person randomly informing WoC aces/aros can have white privilege

Again someone claiming ace privilege exists and here another person doing it adding to the post further above, claiming aces/aros have privilege for being ace/aro and that this is the case bc people who don’t have sex are privileged (wrong definition of asexuality… also of aromanticism??… and also no. No.)

What I mentioned about ppl telling us asexuality/aromanticism are not orientations but only ever modifiers? It’s happened a lot but here’s one example. And here’s someone outright saying aro aces don’t have an orientation but only modifiers.

Here’s the same person who said aro aces don’t have an orientation later turning around saying the orientation of aro aces is determined by how they behave and who they have sex with.

Another person putting nsfw shit in the ace positivity tag (link is to nsfw text)

And people try really hard to justify despising aces and aros by pointing to shitty people who share our identities/orientations. Honesty is secondary in this. Here you have someone taking a shitty post from an obvious nasty troll blog to say this is why ppl hate aces, and later when having the troll thing pointed out to them saying they already know. The post got over 3k notes.

“asexual shouldn’t even be a way people identify themselves”, with a second person in the thread agreeing

Part 3:

Someone saying they hope all aces “get checked out by a doctor” first (holy shit)

Saying asexuality is not a sexuality aka more invalidation like in posts further above

Someone calling aces a “turbo virgin club”, then declaring if an ace gets upset about it this shows their immense privilege

I’m 96% sure this is a troll and/or worse but here’s someone using absolute bullshit reasoning to claim asexuality is an inherently racist/antiblack identity (…on a black person’s post)

Speaking of racism, someone claiming vile crap and utter bullshit about aces including that we are all white

Once again a white person trying to use (extremely vile) antiblackness for so called “ace discourse”

Another incident of a blatant troll post getting nearly 3k notes because people wanted to use it to demonstrate how horrible aces/aros are, since we supposedly made up the fake slur “arobot”. Explanation in link, but basically no, “we” didn’t, it was an ancient pretty blatant troll post.

Again someone linking aromanticism to misogyny and to using people for sex

Someone in our positivity tags basically claiming aces and aros in relationships are selfish leeches who demand things but don’t give anything back. Talking as if we don’t deserve “time, effort, attention and love” and as though people in relationships with us are to be pitied

People spamming the ace positivity tag with nasty negativity and hate (once again)

Someone repeatedly wishing rape and like so often death on aces and aros (among other things) in our positivity tags. This person also put nsfw content there and spammed the tags

Again someone specifically wanting ace kids dead, talking in the positivity tag about hoping they get hit by a bus

After someone in this thread talks about the worry of being sexually assaulted for being ace, a person responds with the vilest victim-blaming, claiming shit like “it is easy to learn how to defend yourself“ and worse that I don’t want to put here. If you want details check the link

A number of screenshots of extremely vile posts, out of which two older ones weren’t listed here before: one is about wanting aces/aros to have “full blown panic attacks” and “cry themselves to sleep” over being marginalized/erased by society;

the other utterly disgustingly talks about wanting aces/aros to face torture and medical experimentation and death (the person brings in concentration camps)

This anon was also among the screenshots just now: extremely graphic torture and death threat I got from someone because they hate all us “ ~uwu~pure~smol~aceys~”. There’s wanting to peel the skin off my body as well as gun violence and sentiments that echo the post above

Since we’re already talking anons, somewhat graphic rape/death threat I got in my inbox, this time using the “dare I say meme” that is frequently employed to shit on aces and aros (still leaving out the most disgustingly graphic threat I’ve received bc I don’t want to link it)

Part 4:

“I would actually fucking slaughter aces if I could“

Listen this crap is terrifying and at this point I’m just tired. I could add the same sort of shit to this list over and over. Yet there’s still a huge crowd here denying any of this is happening, who’ll come to posts about ppl hating aces and aros to declare that no one does and we’re all just making it up or too clueless to understand what’s Really Being Said, because that’s how they like to paint aces and aros and anyone who supports us. It’s unbelievable and so so horrible and draining.

It needs to stop. I hate putting this negative crap on ppl’s dash but what’s going on is just so harmful and there’s not much else to do about it I can think of. Aside from people condescendingly explaining to us all the time none of this is happening (or outright calling us liars the moment we don’t put the links directly on a post and claiming we’re making this all up to make other aces/aros feel unsafe holy shit), I’ve also had ppl come to this very post (the original version) saying it’s just “mean words on the Internet” so I shouldn’t talk about -isms here and ppl literally wishing us dead.

Please help get word around that this is happening and a serious issue if you can? (But also if you can’t please don’t feel bad about that)

Part 5:

Someone saying ppl only get to headcanon extremely privileged characters as ace/aro

Someone spouting the incredible, unironic line: “isn’t that the point of being ace?? to desexualize yourself??“

Telling aces to date non-aces otherwise they’re automatically abusive for “taking sex away” from their partners (holy shit)

As I mentioned, if we speak about the anti-ace/aro shit on this site, ppl love to try and shut us up by coming to our posts acting like we don’t know what we’re talking about or are deliberately lying for example because they’ve not personally seen what we’re talking about, and they can get really utterly horrible about it

Someone making up an insult (”stiff”) for aces to mean “a prude who cant keep their trap shut abt it “ (the person also posted a screenshot of a dictionary entry of the word in the positivity tag where “a dead body” is listed as one of the definitions)

Same person saying aromantic means “a boring person nobody will ever love”

Yet another person sexualizing aces, making fun of how supposedly we constantly talk about wanting to “fuck”… and about wanting to be led around on a leash in public

Two people defending hating all aces and comparing this to statements about privileged groups like white people, because ace/aro privilege I guess

A white person mocking me having experienced racism in “ace discourse” while heavily implying I must be lying (while demanding proof and no I’m not saying asking me for links is the problem)

Another person outright defending hating aces, except it’s okay and not bigotry according to them because it’s… not our existence that’s the problem but us existing as aces??

Part 6

Saying ace/aro identities belong in the DSM

And also a post I really want to talk about that made me add to this post again:

Saying asexual/aromantic people are “weird” and “ugly as fuck” and we id as ace/aro because “no one wants us” (I got an extremely vile anon once that made a similar “argument” and this line of thought is neither new nor harmless)

The thing about this post that makes it especially horrible and made me put it here almost right away? The notes. There are tons of people who responded to that post with approval and if you check, you’ll see them acting like aces/aros being treated like this and getting upset about it is just one big joke. There are many people going “lol that’s mean but true” and “lmao careful they’ll use this as proof they’re oppressed haha” (paraphrased) and otherwise talking nasty shit about aces and aros. This is fucking vile and the kind of shit you’d expect from anti-sjws, but nope, “ace discourse” everyone

Someone saying ace awareness week should not be a thing because they’re already “painfully” aware we exist

Did I mention when we talk about any of this people immediately in big numbers rush to silence us, dismissing and mocking us out of hand and painting us as hysterical liars who “just wanna be oppressed“ because who gives a shit about aces/aros saying they’re being harmed

As a bonus, let’s return to the anons for a moment, which I’ve not talked about much before:

Someone telling me to die after I made more posts calling this sort of anti-ace/aro shit out

Someone telling me they want to ally with conservatives and shoot me and also other aces, calling aces a “plague”

Someone telling me sending the above to a black person has nothing to do with racism, and also that asexuality is a symptom of mental illness/trauma that needs to be corrected, not a sexuality. They tell me to “get fucked” so I’ll be fixed

Right after these asks I also got a nazi in my inbox (”88″ is nazi code). Make of that what you will

Another person coming to my inbox calling aces a plague and wanting us all dead

“Tumblr aces are deserving of every drop of loathing they get”

And now back once more to the posts people actually put their blog names on (aka most posts by far on this list, so no one skimming better try to claim this is primarily about anons just because I put a few in)…

Reacting to hateful vile anons by claiming we must have sent them to ourselves (why? because they say so), such as graphic anon rape/death threats. Nasty on so many levels and encourages people who hate us further to send shit like that

Part 7

People thinking it’s appropriate to tell a black ace woman (me lol) she has an “oppression fetish” just based on her minority orientation, in response to her asking ppl to not do EXACTLY that

Someone comparing asexuality to a kink to mock the idea of and paint as gross aces talking to family or anyone not involved in “their sex life” about their orientation

Same person in a wild post calling all aces “demons” (as ppl keep doing)

Someone not only as so often comparing aces to Trump with a moodboard, but also including the word “fascism” in ace colors in it (this is an older post)

Someone coming up with the wild conspiracy theory that people upset by aphobia (along with inclusionists) are actually largely the alt-right trying to disrupt activist communities wtf I can not make this shit up (the person being ace themselves does not make this better or any less anti-ace/aro. This is fucking vile)

Someone mocking all aces by calling us “aceys” and talking about wanting to fight us, and another person approving of this and calling aces speaking out against it “dumb” and my legitimate anger “cute”. Also apparently being upset by this at all means I’ve “deluded” myself into thinking I’m oppressed

Same person who said the above claiming aro aces are somehow straight

Mocking aro terminology and aros for calling their partners (who they may or may not be married to) anything but “friends”

People (once again) painting aros as monsters who by virtue of being aro treat their partners without basic respect and decency. Also making aro identities all about wanting to “fuck” people without loving them, or caring about them in any shape or form. This shit is both sexualizing our identities (as usual) and nasty as hell in general

Another person outright saying they hate aces and trying to justify this by comparing it to venting about a privileged group, as if ace privilege exists rather than asexuality being a minority orientation

Someone (as too many ppl have done) comparing aces to “incels”, dangerous misogynists who are frequently rape apologists/rapists

Silencing tactics still include viciously mocking aces/aros speaking out against any of this shit and painting us as irrational, Senselessly Angry, and evil like in this bullshit “parody” post of what I (and two others?) have supposedly been saying. Apparently when I make posts like this one, that is what the OP gets from that… somehow. People keep doing shit like this to me, and painting black women as hysterical and angry for no reason when we’re legitimately upset is not a new move?

While we’re on the topic of antiblackness and misogynoir, remember how ppl love to send me graphic anon threats? Yeah this person purosely invoked the image of lynchings while doing so, aware themselves it’s racist and admitting they don’t care, as long as they can tell a black person they’d like to “hang me from a tree” and then also all other ace ppl, because “ace discourse” has proven to them we’re evil apparently

Part 8

Saying there’s somethong “wrong” with aces and aros and that we need to get professional help, and that our orientations are “unnatural”. There’s way too much pathologization among these links

Comparing aces to Ayn Rand, a racist rape apologist among other things. Apparently it makes for a fun moodboard about how we’re evil (and hate poor people?? wtf)

Once again someone comparing aces to incels (for some reason people love associating aces with misogynists, rape apologists and rapists, hmm)

Someone sexually harassing a user for simply saying to ignore/block aphobes, putting extremely explicit sexual content into the post’s notes, very possibly trying to deliberately trigger the OP. This is disgusting af

Someone saying asexuality isn’t a real sexuality (again)

As usual someone putting negativity in the ace positivity tag like we don’t deserve to have positivity - this time about how we’re “idiot aces” and all “cishet”

Talking about how this masterpost that, you know, has literal death threats on it and not few of them is hilarious

Here we have someone after being linked to this masterpost defending the Ronald Reagan and Trump moodboards (while completely ignoring all the other shit on this list)

Someone spewing the old bullshit notion that conservatives love aces for our supposed “celibacy”, with the typical implication of ace privilege or at least the idea that being ace makes those of us belonging to various oppressed groups less oppressed (or that we don’t exist at all lol)

Here’s an older post where someone cruelly made fun of an anon on an ace blog non wanting to get a pap test, presuming it’s due to internalized oppression and treating that as funny and inherently mock-worthy (the post got lots of approving notes at the time), because haha aces “valuing their virginity more than their health”, even though 1) the anon said nothing of the sort and 2) even if they had, people not wanting to get health care due to messed up ideas surrounding “virginity” is not funny either. (And this sort of ridicule is nowhere near comparable to correcting actual misinformation)

Making Kylo Ren ace/aro moodboards because aside from real life fascists it’s fun to compare us to fictional ones

Since we’re on the topic, another, older post that has a lot of people comparing aces to various fictional abusers, mass murderers, fascists, etc., “joking” about how these are the characters we can have as “ace representation”. And then ppl going “lol it’s just a joke haha silly aces not getting the concept of humor” in typical bigot fashion, something the anti-ace/aro crowd does A LOT

Meanwhile once when I in response to someone comparing aros to Voldemort (based on him being incapable of love) made an aro-spec Hermione positivity post using the same meme the Voldemort post had used, emphasizing her good qualities/sense of justice, a whole wild mess happened that included people making jokes about (house elf) slavery on my aka a black woman’s positivity post and calling one of the most commonly hc-ed as black characters demonic and equating her to Taylor Swift… for among other things the evil trait of having an issue with, you know, slavery.

(Later a white person tried to in a separate post paint me as hysterical/irrational for getting upset about this, completely [and deliberately] erasing the fact that it was about race at all in that retelling of things. Not that it’s not bullshit and extremely telling to gleefully heap negativity on a positivity post like this in general, but damn.)

But back to comparing us to real life fascists, someone literally said “cishet asexuals act almost identical to white supremacists and nazis” because saying this about a minority orientation which includes aces TARGETED by white supremacists isn’t fucked up at all I’m done

For the xth time someone outright saying they hate aces

Here we get tons of misogynoir again from someone making a sort of Nicki Minaj ace moodboard that compares ace inclusionism to her breasts/”silicone implants“, and someone else approving of how hilarious that supposedly is. It’s pretty fucking gross tbh, the OP even put it in the Nicki Minaj tag

Fitting in with the above nicely: someone suggesting that subsets of aces and aros be called “breeders” (this is an older post)

Calling asexuality and aromanticism “cults” and comparing them to scientology among a ton of other vile shit including once again pathologization

Calling (non-ace) aros “objectifying assholes”

More demonization of aros, claiming as so often that being aro is the same as fetishizing and using people

Once again someone calling aces (or well just ace girls this time because misogyny is fun) ugly and claiming we’re all white (because racism is also fun)

Part 9

And here finally the new part that tumblr wouldn’t let me add to the original post the usual way. Not to repeat myself but I’m exhausted. And pissed. Remember these are all just examples. And I’d like to say there won’t be more in the future but who am I kidding.

Making light of comparing aces to incels, who are still dangerous misogynists/rapists/rape apologists. How dare aces and especially ace women be upset about it

Another person making light of (nasty moodboards) comparing aces and specifically ace teenagers to vile af dangerous bigots

Again someone comparing aces to incels (....who apparently no longer oppress women, at least if they’re ace)

They really love that incel comparison

They love it a lot. Yet another person comparing aces to incels (while defining asexuality as “not wanting to fuck”). Someone else joining in and going, “Is ‘turbo virgin’ better for u”

The same ppl as in the link above continuing to be horrible+apparently thinking ace and aro WoC are no longer oppressed by racism and misogyny. Did I mention I could not make this shit up

Also if you scroll a bit, there’s a link there to one of them telling an ace to “get laid” to be fixed (this link here leads to the same thread as the one above)

Once more comparing aros to Trump

White person thinking it’s a good idea to equate aces/aros of color upset about being compared to white supremacists with white ppl upset about jokes about white ppl

“asexuals go to hell”

Claiming it’s just “crying racism” and funny that I call call out, you know, all this pretty blatant racism, such as comparing aces and aros to slave owners/white supremacists to give just one example of the literal dozens here (even sth on the level of that anon wanting to lynch me apparently doesn’t count as racist for the OP there what the hell even)

Pathologizing our orientations, saying aces all have some “underlying issue” and that we just id as asexual as an excuse bc we don’t wanna “work through” said issues

Again someone claiming aces can’t have sex, making fun of ppl saying otherwise (apparently we physically can’t this is so wild)

Again ppl claiming aces and aros are basically all white, hurting (and pissing off) aces and aros of color bc that’s always fun. Also I’d argue some not that subtle misogyny there but decide for yourself

Among other things claiming aces are obsessed with sex which uhh uncomfortable+creepy. If ppl’d stop sexualizing us that’d be fucking nice

Another nonblack person comparing ace inclusionists to Rachel Dolezal (not giving a shit about black ppl’s opinion on the matter)... and then claiming antiblackness isn’t racism (when coming from other PoC)

Claiming asexuality is a “specific sexual preference” that no one wants to know about and also the same as “not fucking”. Literally saying (as ppl in this mess do so often) we should literally mention our orientations to NO ONE but our partners bc of this. AND not giving a shit about being told this sexualizes aces including aces of color

As usual pretending we make all the shit documented in this post up (and let me repeat this post was just meant to have EXAMPLES, there’s way more horrible crap out there)

Ace girls are apparently “like straight girls, only worse”. And that regardless of other identities

Using the term “acehets”

Another person referring to “acehets and arohets”

Apparently asexuality and aromanticism are “technically het” now

Calling aces (explicitly+deliberately ALL aces) a “cancer to the lgbt community”

Saying a black aro ace woman wouldn’t have time to be “melodramatic” (=make posts like this one lol) if she had more sex. I CAN NOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP it’s so incredibly sexist, racist, and creepy omg. There’s already examples further above of this person’s misogynoir BUT DAMN

Here we have some pro Trump, pro gun person after going “fuck tumblr ace culture” talking about how aces aren’t oppressed (especially those of us to whom guns or ppl like the president they support are an incredible danger I’m sure lol) and how dare we make our orientations “our entire personality”. This is all so wild help me??

Remember when we talked about how ppl like to when we talk about this despite all the easily available proof accuse us of lying/being hytserical/just “wanting to be oppressed” as a silencing tactic? Yeah here we have someone calling me speaking out against some of the (racist) shit listed further above “delusional”

Linking being ace to being a nazi (”Been noticing a lot of these “Asexuals” are also nazis”)

More linking being ace to being a nazi (”You can't spell asexual without axis power”). Did I mention the anti-ace/aro crowd is wild and despicable af

The solution to people being this horrible to us is CLEARLY for us to “log off” so why the hell are we whining

This white person wants millions in “emotional damages” from people with ace headcanons for characters belonging to various oppressed groups, including characters of color. Because clearly others acknowledging the existence of aces of color must be incredibly painful for them. Wtf is the anti-ace/aro crowd even. Also, this is what aces and aros of color mean when we talk about constantly being erased by ppl wanting to pretend our orientations are somhow “white” identities - frquently like here under the guise of protecting us from those evil aces and aros aka ourselves.

Putting “your flag is ugly and so are you“ in the ace positivity tag

Same person posting in the ace positivty tag about wanting subsets of aces to get hit by a bus

Okay I know further above I’ve directed you to such unbelievably vile anons they must be getting old but I’m gonna put just one in this part: wanting aces dead but it’s our own fault because the ace community on tumblr made them into a shitstain devoid of decency who thinks fondly of people dying based on them sharing a minority orientation!! They had no problems with aces before!! And it’s just if we’re on tumblr that they want us dead really!! Using this site like other people makes us... wait for it... “incel equivalents” apparently

Aaand here the nonblack ppl go again with the comparing ace inclusionism to antiblackness/Rachel Dolezal, one of them specifically complaining they got called antiblack for it when clearly this white person also doing it proves it’s okay

After as the anti-ace/aro crowd loves to do pretending none of this is happening, this person admitted that yeah sure their crowd compares aces and aros to misogynists and racists, but it’s not because of our orientations but because we’re Bad, and if we claim otherwise we’re manipulative and just wanna victimize ourselves!!

racism and comparing PoC (because their asexuality continues to not magically turn aces of color into white ppl) to their oppressors are apparently still funny (”date an asexual who thinks reverse racism exists“)

Someone talking about wanting “porn of aces” where aces are raped and turned into “hypersexual sluts”. The person adds, “ESPECIALLY if it’s real”. This shit is VILE AND DISTURBING AF HOLY CRAP

And apparently aces who have sex are by virtue of this themselves rapists now, along with anyone who consensually sleeps with people they’re not attracted to?? Wtf even. (These people REALLY want to villify us and for us to not enter relationships - if we don’t have sex with a partner, we’re absusive, but if we do, we’re rapists. We’ve had both these “arguments” now I fucking can’t.)

Again someone posting (in the ace positivity tag) about wanting an “ace concentration camp”

“asexuals get death challenge”

And listen I WISH I was making this shit up and that these posts all didn’t exist. Then I’d not have to deal with the knowledge that a ton of people here don’t even see aces and aros as human beings, constantly throwing -isms and nasty af shit in general at us and pretending when aimed at us it’s somehow okay. People are doing all this to us, and trying to claim we deserve it, based on our MINORITY ORIENTATIONS.

It’s wild, it’s despicable, and it needs to stop. And I’m going to say it as many times as necessary.

#ace discourse #aphobia #asexuality #aromantic #masterpost #crapcourse mess #rape cw #abuse cw #sexualization /#suicide baiting cw #death threats cw #rape threats cw #concentration camp mention //#victim blaming mention /#long post

1K notes · View notes

ghoulboyboos · 6 years ago

Note

Magic = bad. Now Steven and Andrew have to look after smol! Ryan and Shane who have a crush on each other, while trying to hide the fact that they also have a crush on each other (or vice versa)

I woke up on cold sweat I know you’ve done a smol!aubefore I meant child ksjfks

I gotcha Anon no worries ;D

“Oh my God isn’t that a precious little guy!” Freddie exclaims, bending down to look into the face of the kid Steven’s carrying on his hip. The maybe five-year-old boy beams at Freddie with a huge, white smile before giving Steven a look she could almost interpret as smug and Steven rolls his eyes.

“A relative of yours?” She asks, when Steven doesn’t answer and the kid stays quiet. That question gets her offended glares, funnily enough from both Steven and the boy.

“Really, Freddie? Because we’re both Asian? I expected more of you.”

“Uh, no?” She gives him a judging look. “I’m asking because you’re carrying him around and I don’t assume you stole someone’s child. You also don’t strike me as someone who has a secret baby, so I figured he might be a cousin or something.

“Oh.” Steven deflates. The kid is giggling.

“You really didn’t have to make eyes at Freddie, you know.” Steven grumbles as he continues his way towards the Buzzfeed “Kiddie Corner” where employee’s with children can leave their kids in careful hands.

“I would have talked to her if you didn’t tell me to keep my mouth shut,” Ryan complains. It’s weird. The vocabulary and cadence is still the same, but Ryan has the voice of a little kid now and his tongue is clearly stumbling over a couple of words. He doesn’t have a lisp, but he sounds like he still has to get used to having a smaller mouth and less teeth and whatever other changes he went through when he got turned into a kid. Steven always told him not to mess around locations too much, but Shane was a bad influence on him. At least Shane got cursed as well. Steven briefly wonders how Andrew is doing. That thought makes him nervous, so he answers Ryan instead.

“I had to. You sound nothing like a little kid, Ryan. People would notice something’s up.”

“I doubt that. People usually are as stupidly dismissive as Shane is. They love to think up the dumbest of explanations.”

“Will you stop talking about Shane for five minutes, Jesus. You’ll see him again in a few.”

“I’m not- I didn’t-” Ryan starts stuttering and under normal circumstances, Steven would sit back and laugh at Ryan’s dumb crush on his co-host, but right now he is busy.

When he hands Ryan off to the caretaker and she asks for his name, Steven freezes. He can’t call the kid Ryan, people would notice how much he looks like Buzzfeed Unsolved’s Ryan Bergara. Ryan of all people saves his ass:

“I’m Ricky!” He calls out, childlike voice surprisingly believable as he holds out his hands towards the lady who just laughs and takes him out of Steven’s arms.

“He’s a cousin of mine…” Steven mumbles, but he is mostly ignored because the lady has started to chat with “Ricky” about the games they could play.

Not for the first time that day, Steven wishes that Andrew was with him.

Shane is a little bored. He likes kids, they are fun, but usually he is in some form of “authority” or at least intimidating in whatever way kids consider a very tall dude. Now, he is barely taller than the children around him. The other children because he is a child as well. It’s been a long time since he’s been one and he is sure he is acting suspicious. At least this places has Mega Bloks, even though Shane would have preferred Lego.

He is building aimlessly and without a real plan, when suddenly he’s tapped on the back. He squares his shoulders, preparing to discourage whatever kid is trying to join him when he spots a familiar face. It’s not quite as familiar as it used to be, but he can still see Ryan in this kid. Even if not, they woke up together on location yesterday, turned into little kids and panicking. Ryan looks a bit better now.

“Oh. Hey. Steven’s here, then?” Shane keeps his voice low so nobody listens in. Ryan nods.

TJ and Devon had transported the “kids” home and - in lieu of a better place - left one Ghoulboy each with one of the Worth It Boys. Adam was spared because he is currently assisting with another shoot for a couple of days. Andrew and Steven both thought they were being pranked for a Buzzfeed video, but eventually admitted that no child actor could reproduce Shane’s completely insane and off-track ramblings that well. Ryan had complained a lot about being handed off to Steven but Shane understood. They couldn’t just go home. Sure, they still had their adult minds so it wouldn’t be exactly like leaving children unsupervised, but a lot of things were way too dangerous to try alone and at their current height. Shane really doesn’t want to get smashed in the head with the microwave because he can’t reach it properly, so having Andrew for assistance had been really helpful. Shane made a point of telling him so.

He doesn’t know how Steven and Ryan spent their evening but he had a relatively normal night in with Andrew, except that Andrew insisted to bring him to bed at eight because at the moment, Shane looks to be about six and it eight is a normal time to go to bed for someone of that age. He had tried to protest, but realized that he was actually close to passing out when Andrew put him on the couch and tucked him in. That last part was so unnecessary, but Shane fell asleep before he could complain. Apparently, his body very much had the metabolism and inner clock of a little kid because he slept for ten hours and woke up feeling refreshed and energetic. He hadn’t felt like that in forever.

Ryan looks like he did yesterday. For someone who knows him well, it’s very obviously Ryan, just a little different. His hair is even messier than before and his cheeks are a little rounder, but his eyes and his smile are as big and as bright as before. Well, minus the constant bags Ryan usually has under his eyes. He looks a lot more fresh faced now.

“Wanna play?” Shane asks, indicating towards his half-finished whatever the hell he is building. Ryan looks at it before shrugging and dropping on his knees on the play mat, scooting closer. They are dressed in kid clothes now, thanks to Devon and TJ making a quick stop to buy them proper clothes yesterday. Until then, both he and Ryan and been wrapped in their ow (now way too big) shirts. Shane has to admit that Ryan looks adorable in his blue overalls. It’s a strange thought and it’s also weird to see such a close friend as a little kid. Well, weird and intrusive in a way that makes Shane uncomfortable.

“I’m glad I’m not alone in this.” He mutters, because he feels like he should say it. Ryan is looking at him but Shane keeps his eyes fixed on the blue block he puts on top of the little wall he set up. “Not that I want you in the same mess as I am in. Just… you know. Helps to keep sane when you’re not the only one.”

“Nah man, I get it.” Ryan looks around to make sure nobody is listening. “I just hope this isn’t permanent.”

“Otherwise we have to create “Buzzfeed: Kids” and milk this mess for all it’s worth.” Shane grumbles and he hears the first real wheeze from Ryan since they woke up in this mess. It turns into a full laugh and Shane finally looks over at his giggling friend. It makes Shane laugh as well. Sure, Ryan’s smile is still the same. But their laughs sound lighter, softer. More innocent, he thinks and immediately makes a face at that.

“What’s up?” Ryan rubs the corner of his eye as if he actually laughed himself to tears.

“This is weird.” Shane mumbles. “I feel like I shouldn’t see you this way. This is something that is kept to our childhoods and our family and stuff. Not your co-worker who probably got you into this mess.”

“I highly doubt it was just you.” Ryan rubs his nose. It’s kind of runny. Someone will probably make him blow it soon. “And… I don’t know. It’s kind of fun. We kept finding out about obscure stuff that we both did despite never meeting before. But now we kind of… get to be childhood friends. Because for some reason you don’t have five years on me now.”

“True.”

Shane sits back and looks at the building they made. It looks horrendous.

“We will never be architects.” He says sadly and Ryan laughs again.

Andrew and Steven pick them up after work and decide to just grab dinner together. It’s easier than cooking and being in public will force them to not rant and panic about what happened to Ryan and Shane. It’s supposed to be relaxing. Really.

It’s only when the four of them are seated around a table in a nice little restaurant with Shane and Ryan placed on extra big cushions and the kiddie menu in front of them, that Steven realizes what this must look like. A sweet gay couple and their equally sweet little boys. Fuck. He only hopes Andrew hasn’t noticed. He glances over.

Andrew has his elbow on the table and his chin leaned into his palm. His gaze is on Ryan and Shane, who are playfully squabbling over the menu. Ryan tells Shane that he is ridiculous for wanting chicken nuggets in dinosaur shape while Shane fires back that if there ever was any time appropriate for that kind of stuff, it was now. Andrew is smiling softly and Steven stares, not realizing he does until Andrew’s gaze drags over to him and they both start, returning to their menus. Steven is sure he can hear muffled giggles from the “kids” but he won’t address it

The waitress is very fun and sweet and chitchats with the “children” about their favorite foods. Steven thinks that Ryan and Shane lay on the “cute little kid” stuff a little too thick but she seems completely enchanted by them, so he can’t really reprimand them in front of her.

“Oh he’s not my brother.” Shane says when Steven tunes back in. “He’s my best friend. My ghoulfriend!” With that, he takes Ryan’s hand, completely oblivious to Ryan’s face lighting up and turning red at the same time. The waitress giggles and mutters something about them being cute before she finishes taking their order and leaves. Shane seems fine with keeping Ryan’s hand, but the other boy winds his fingers free after a while, muttering something about Shane’s hands being sweaty.

Steven rolls his eyes and looks over at Andrew. Andrew is looking at him, a thoughtful expression on his face. The smile he’s directing at Steven is careful and soft and Steven is about to ask, but finds that he can’t. They all eat in a strangely awkward silence.

Shane sits on Steven’s couch while the “grown ups” are busy in the kitchen and looks at Ryan. They picked a Netflix movie to distract themselves and nearly got into a fight about it. Shane had seen no reason why they shouldn’t watch a horror movie as always but Ryan had insisted that it felt weird to him to watch one while he looked like he was five. Sure, he wasn’t actually that young, but still. Shane thought it was dumb, but he had conceded to watch Coco instead, which was more “age appropriate”.

“Did I overstep earlier?” He asks out of nowhere after staring at Ryan for a while.

“What?” Ryan blinks at him.

“When I took your hand, I mean. I didn’t... I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, I just felt like doing it.”

“I don’t know.” Ryan frowns at him as if he’s suspicious. “Do you always want to do that or just because I’m... I dunno, small and adorable right now?”

Shane laughs.

“You’re always small and adorable, Ryan.”

“Fuck off!”

“Language!” Andrew calls from the kitchen.

“Shut up, Andrew!” Ryan shouts back. “I’m not a little kid! Not really at least!”

Shane takes a deep breath when Ryan turns back to him.

“Would it be okay if I wanted to hold your hand sometimes? Or maybe... do other things?”

“What things?”

Ryan has leaned in a little. His hand is brushing the back of Shane’s hands and he seems a little apprehensive at what might happen. Shane can’t really tease him when he looks like this. A scared little kid, even more vulnerable than usual. So he shrugs.

“Once we figured this out, I mean. I would like to take you on a date or something.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I mean. I figured life is really weird.” He gestures to their situation. “And I’m not so scared about making things between us weird anymore.”

Ryan looks at him for a moment. His bottom lip is pushed forward as he is thinking and his brows slowly pull together. Then, as if he made a decision, he leans in and kisses Shane’s cheek. It’s just a quick peck, but Shane feels his face light up anyway.

“Okay, big guy. Once... once you’re a big guy again.”

They both wheeze.

When Steven and Andrew check on “the kids”, they find them asleep. Curled together on the sofa with Ryan’s head on Shane’s shoulder and Shane leaning against Ryan’s head, they snore. Andrew is smiling again, the soft, domestic expression that Steven has seen on him a lot the past few days. It makes his stomach flutter all funny and weird. They each carry one of the boys to bed and watch as they immediately curl on their sides, faces towards each other.

“I’m sure things will not be the same once this is all over.” Steven says, as he closes the door behind them.

“Yeah, I think the same. I don’t really mind, though.” Andrew is glancing at the floor when Steven looks at him.

“What do you mean?”

Andrew shrugs.

“It’s kind of... fun. Playing house with you and all.”

“Really? Playing house? That’s what you’re gonna call it.”

Andrew shrugs and chuckles to himself.

“Okay. What is so funny?” Steven puts his hands on his hips. “You keep smiling and laughing and looking at me all weird since we have this whole kid debacle. What in the world is going on?”

Andrew leans closer, almost caging Steven against the wall.

“I just think... you’re really sweet like this. Even though you and Ryan keep calling each other names and stuff, you’re really caring and you want to help them and I think that‘s admirable. And also really cute.”

“Oh.” Steven blinks. “Well, okay.” He doesn’t know how to deal with this information but he definitely knows that his face is warm and his heart is doing funny things in his chest. He kind of feels like he should take Andrew’s hand or something. So he does. Andrew links their fingers and smiles his weird little domestic smile again. Okay then.

Ryan and Shane wake up in Steven’s apartment, curled into each other and the stretched out versions of kid’s pajamas straining over their bodies.

“Thank fuck.” Ryan mutters as he tosses the too-small t-shirt aside. He’s about to get out of bed when an arm sneaks around his waist and Shane pulls him back against his chest.

“Shane!” Ryan hisses. “What if Steven checks on us or-”

“He’s busy.” Shane mumbles into Ryan’s hair, forcing the other man to settle into bed again. “Heard them talking last night. Stuff happened.”

“What stuff?” Ryan asks, but he lies down again, curling up against Shane’s side.

“Later.” Shane yawns and cuddles closer to Ryan, rubbing his back. “Sleep now. You’re much cuddlier like this.”

“Fine.” Ryan rolls his eyes.

He could ask later and mock Steven for whatever happened.

#Anonymous #ask #prompts #shyan #standrew #listen I'm not good at standrew I apologize if this isn't that good #I did my best

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septic-heart-and-mind · 7 years ago

Text

“Winter” - Septiishu Mini-Fic

At the request of a kind anon, here is a little Septiishu thing I just wrote! It’s Christmassy as well so it’s extra flluffy! Enjoy ^-^

Jack’s POV

It was a freezing winter’s day outside, the cold air piercing like microscopic icicles were falling from the sky along with the torrential rain. A storm had just started, lightning beginning to rumble beneath the sound of the rainfall that pattered against the roof. I had just returned home from a trip to the shops, meaning that both my clothes and my hair were absolutely sodden. I got changed into my comfy ‘Berlin’ jumper and a fresh pair of jeans, as well as towelling my hair dry as best as I could. When I took myself downstairs, I found Signe waiting for me with a hot cup of tea in her hand; I noticed that my mug was on the little table in front of where she sat.

“Hey, babe,” she greeted me with a smile. “I made you something.” I smiled back at her, love in my eyes, and I decided to sit beside her.

“Thank you,” I replied to her brightly, my arm around her, before kissing her gently. As I then took the warm cup into my frozen hands, I realised that she had put the fire on for me as well.

“I figured you’d be cold,” Signe explained thoughtfully. “I wanted to warm you up.”

“You do that alright,” I answered fondly, “You warm my heart every day.”

“Aw, you big romantic,” she blushed. I smiled at her again, before taking a sip from my cup.

“Ahh,” I sighed contentedly. “Perfect.”

“Good,” she responded happily. She then paused for a moment. “Babe?” she continued.

“Yeah?” I replied, looking at her.

“I was thinking, do you wanna put up the Christmas decs today?” she suggested.

“Aw, yeah!” I reacted excitedly, nearly spilling my tea on myself.

“Careful!” Signe chuckled. “You nearly burned yourself, you potato.”

“Who are ya callin’ potato?” I retorted jokily.

“You, obviously,” she giggled in reply.

“You’re a meany,” I stated childishly, pouting with pretend sadness.

“You love me,” Signe said playfully, leaning closer and cuddling up to me.

“Yes,” I agreed happily, “I do.” I couldn’t help but kiss her again, smiling as I did so and I could feel her doing the same. It felt as magical as Christmas Day does for a child - and me, for that matter, because I am basically a big child. Once I had warmed up and we had finished our hot drinks, we decided to start on putting up the Christmas decorations around the house. We began with our big Christmas tree, which we covered with bright lights, tinsel, and a variety of festive baubles. We had even made our own Septiceye Sam to put on the top of it. As I started putting the lights around the tree, I couldn’t help but start singing Christmas songs. Of course, being me, I also couldn’t stop myself from changing the lyrics. I sang one particular song and changed a line to ’Tis the Signe to be jolly’, and she found it hilarious and somewhat adorable. Signe seemed to love me singing loudly, even though I wasn’t the best singer in the world; she still gazed at me adoringly.

“You look so happy,” she commented with a smile.

“That’s ‘cos I am, Wooshy-doosh!” I replied cheerfully. I then carried on with my singing, this time saying ‘we Wiishu a merry Christmas’ and making Signe laugh all over again. She then chimed in and sang ‘and a Jack-y new year’, and I was in hysterics. We had a complete laughing fit for about a minute solid, and every time I thought it was over we would look at each other and start again. When we finally composed ourselves, we went back to the decorating process and I sang joyfully once again. Signe waited for me to use some silly lyrics again, amused anticipation in her eyes, and so I sang ‘I’m dreaming of a Wiish Christmas’ - and, of course, she laughed. It was like a game for me, trying to come with as many Signe-related lyrics as I could and amusing her whilst doing it. Once I had finished with the lights, we stood back and just looked at them for a moment; I cuddled her, feeling more content than ever. “They’re still not as beautiful as you, Wiish,” I told her adoringly, gazing into her eyes.

“Naw, stop it, you,” she replied modestly, smiling back at me.

“Seriously, though, you are beautiful,” I reiterated with sincerity. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, spud,” she echoed affectionately, and then we shared a tender kiss. We smiled at each other once again, before returning to the decorating. It was now tine for the tinsel and baubles to go on the tree. We selected them and carefully placed them around the tree, taking our time to make sure it looked perfect and helping each other in the decision making. We were close to finished, when suddenly Signe dropped one of the baubles. It broke into pieces, and I then realised what it was; it was a special one that I had made the year before, which looked like a Sam and had ‘Signe’ written on it. She had made one too, with her own artistic design and my name on it; it was just a cute little thing that we decided to do. Signe looked somewhat devastated when she saw mine broken on the floor.

“I am so sorry, Seán,” she stated guiltily, almost looking like she might cry.

“It’s fine, it doesn’t matter,” I answered gently.

“It does, you made that,” she refuted me apologetically. “I’m sorry,” she repeated.

“It’s alright, Wiish, honestly,” I reassured her.

“It’s not, that was yours,” she said sadly, looking at the pieces on the floor. I delicately put my hand beneath her chin and lifted her head, so that her eyes looked straight into mine.

“Love, I promise you, it doesn’t matter,” I told her caringly. “I’ve got you. That’s all I need.” She still had guilt in her eyes as she gazed back at me. “C’mere,” I said softly, and I wrapped my arms around her. I embraced her for a few moments, gently rubbing her back with affection. Just as I slowly broke away, I placed a loving kiss on her forehead. “I’ll sort this mess out,” I offered.

“But I broke it, I’ll do it,” she replied. “Honestly, Seán, you just carry on decorating, I’ll deal with this.” She kissed my cheek, and then left the room to get what she needed to clear up the broken pieces. I continued to decorate the tree, whistling cheerfully like nothing had happened. Yes, I had made it, but I had all I needed; it was just a bauble at the end of the day. I had what really mattered, I had someone who I adored and who loved me back. I didn’t even need any presents as long as I had Signe, she was the best gift I could ever have asked for; meeting her was like all my Christmases had come at once, and I felt like that every day that she was in my life. Eventually, Signe was finished with what she was doing and was able to return to finalising the decorations with me. We stood back and admired the tree once it was done, feeling very satisfied with our teamwork. We kissed again, before moving on to the rest; we put decorations up all over the house, including lights on the front. I didn’t put the lights up, though, until the rain stopped - I wasn’t about to get soaked all over again! When we had finished, Signe and I cuddled on the sofa beside the warm fire, feeling safe and cosy in each other’s arms as we watched the lights twinkle on the tree.

“I love Christmas,” I stated happily to Signe.

“Me too,” she concurred. “And I also love you, Seán Mcloughlin,” she added, smiling at me.

“I love you, too, Signe Hansen,” I replied brightly, and I kissed her.

“You’re so handsome, you know,” she told me flirtatiously.

“You’re not so bad yourself, little lady,” I answered in a similar manner.

“And you know what else?” she continued, intriguing me because I wondered where the conversation would go.

“What?” I asked curiously. She paused, teasing me with a jovial smirk. “What, what?” I asked again bouncily, like an excited child.

“I’ve got a little surprise for you,” she announced playfully. I sat up with immense excitement, and she got up to, presumably, retrieve the surprise. “Close your eyes,” she told me. So, I shut my eyes and waited for her to tell me to open them. It was so tempting to take a peek, but I didn’t want to ruin it and so I kept them closed. I waited. I waited.

“Can I open them yet?” I chuckled. Pause. “Signe?”

“Open your eyes,” she finally said. Just as I opened them, she shot me with a Nerf gun. The toy bullet bounced off my body and took me completely by surprise. “Gotcha!” she exclaimed amusedly.

“Hey, no fair!” I laughed. “I don’t have one!”

“Here, you do now,” she replied as she threw another Nerf gun towards me. I caught it and immediately began to load it up.

“I hope you can run fast, Woosher,” I joked.

“Come and get me, Jackaboy,” she responded teasingly. We then began to run around the house, chasing each other as we fired the Nerf guns at one another. The bullets were bouncing and firing all over the place, and we were having so much fun as we ran and dodged each other’s guns. Eventually, we both got completely exhausted and collapsed in a heap where we started.

“That was fun,” I panted, trying to get my breath back after all the running around.

“Yeah,” she agreed happily, equally out of breath. “I can think of something else fun we can do,” she continued.

“Not right now, I’m tired,” I laughed. “But later…” I carried on, putting my arms around her, “Maybe I won’t be.”

“I guess we’ll have to stick to video games, then,” she smiled, before her lips pressed against mine and we kissed.

“I’ll save my energy for later, shall I?” I flirted.

“Depends, you might hate me when I beat you on Super Smash Bros again,” she joked.

“Is that a challenge, Wiish?” I asked playfully. She simply smiled at me in a way that suggested I was correct. “Right,” I said as I sat myself up. “Bring it on.” We set the game up, and sat back where we were with a controller each in our hands. “Looks like it’s time for a rematch,” I said competitively.

“Yeah, don’t cry when I win again,” she replied jovially.

“Just you wait, Tiner One, I am gonna absolutely kill you,” I stated as we began the game, before focusing hard on the screen in front of us. I concentrated, rapidly pressing buttons on my controller as I tried to escape Signe’s character on the screen. It wasn’t long before she was in the lead.

“I told you I’d win, spud,” she said amusedly.

“It’s not over yet, Wooshy Mcwooshface,” I teased back, “I am gonna take you down!”

“Yeah, right!” she laughed. I focused so hard and did what I could, yet she did in fact beat me once again. She did a little celebratory dance, which I thought was super cute. “Ha, told you I’m the best!” she exclaimed joyfully.

“Yeah, the best at being a meany,” I answered kiddingly.

“You’re just a sore loser, babe,” she responded playfully.

“Nuh-uh!” I reacted childishly. “Am not!”

“Are too,” she giggled, “Loser.”

“You’re a butt-head,” I stated, again in a child-like way.

“And you’re a potato,” she retorted amusedly.

“And you’re a midget,” I teased back, but then I wrapped my arms amorously around her. “Love ya, Wooshie,” I told her fondly. She pretended to be offended by what I’d said and didn’t reply, a little smirk on her face again. “Love youuu,” I repeated happily. She sighed and chuckled.

“Love you, too,” she echoed as she looked at me, before kissing me. We then stayed wrapped up in each other’s arms by the fire, with no need to return to the game we were playing; we were enough for each other, we were just happy to be in each other’s company. I gently stroked her head which rested on my chest as she lay in my arms, and she seemed as content as I was. She lay there peacefully, not needing to say a word because she was just so happy and relaxed as she was. My heart overflowed with love as I looked at her. I adored her more than I thought was possible. As I looked at the tree lights, I thought about the stars, and my love for Signe was more vast than every single star that existed. I felt like even this entire universe couldn’t possibly be big enough for it, yet I somehow contained it inside my heart. Except I didn’t, really; I showed it to her whenever I could, so it wasn’t just something that was within me all the time. It was hers, too, part of her life. It was something we shared, rather like the universe. We were in this vast space together, as well as this seemingly greater affection for each other.

“You’re my world, skat, you know that?” I told her lovingly as I stroked her head slowly.

“Aww, babe,” she replied gently. “You’re my world, too, sweetheart.”

“I’m so lucky to have you, Signe,” I stated with affection, before placing a gentle kiss on her head. She snuggled up to me a little more, as if to say she felt the same about me. I felt her thumb caress my arm as she cuddled me, immense love in such a small movement. Like every day, I still couldn’t believe that she really loved me and I was lucky enough to know her. I felt like I had won the lottery - better, in fact, because she was worth more than any monetary prize. I had won the best lottery of them all, with love being the greatest reward. I knew at that moment exactly what I wanted to get her for Christmas, and I just had to go out later that day to buy it for her. Once I had, I then wrapped the little box and put in under the tree with some other gifts. I would give that one to her last, because it was the one that mattered the most. I hoped that it would make her as happy as I dreamed it would, and that she would say what I wanted her to say. I wanted her to say yes. I wanted to marry her. She was the love of my life and I didn’t want anyone else. She was the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. There was no future for me without her in it - and I needed her to know it, too. This was going to be the most magical Christmas ever.

#jacksepticeye #wiishu #septiishu #septiishu short #just another mini fic for you guys #the minifics are back #i did a thing #i hope you like it #cute fluffiness #i love writing this stuff #i love these two #THEY ARE SO CUTE OK #ok i'm done now xD

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tobioisbae · 7 years ago

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kuroken for the domestic meme?

Ohohoho anon, am I glad you said kuroken

who is afraid for the in laws:

Neither.

Kenma’s parents love Kuroo. Whenever he comes over to their house (which is, you know, a lot) he always ends up chatting with them before going to Kenma’s room. With the dad he talks about school and eventually university, while with the mom they mostly talk about Kenma lol. Like, I see his mother wanting to know how Kenma’s doing at school and with volleyball and all and Kuroo’s all ‘nah, don’t worry about him, he’s doing great, he’s amazing’ and from there on they just keep talking about how great Kenma is.

With Kenma, he really wants Kuroo’s parents to like him when he first meets them. He’s super worried he’ll make a bad first impression (he always is, whenever he’s around new people, but this is different, even if young Kenma doesn’t know why) and he doesn’t even bring his console when he goes to Kuroo’s house. Kuroo’s parents think he’s cute, adorable even, but Tetsu-chan, why is he so nervous??? Kuroo of course notices Kenma’s fidgeting more than usual so one day as they’re walking home after school he tells Kenma he can bring his games and stuff since he knows they’re a big part of him and his parents won’t mind, really, so calm down already you nerd. (”who are you calling a nerd, Kuro, have you seen yourself”) Eventually Kenma goes to Kuroo’s house and plays his games and it’s all good until Kuroo’s mother comes home and wants to see what’s he playing. He’s worried, naturally, but turns out he had absolutely no reason to be; Kuroo’s mom is actually super impressed and even asks Kenma to teach her and Kuro, stop laughing, I will end you.

who cooks:

Listen.

Kenma can cook.

Kenma has mad cooking skills.

No one knows, except for his parents, and he likes it that way since he doesn’t really want to cook (too much work), and it’s all good until Kuroo finds out which happens completely by accident. From then on, he keeps asking Kenma to cook something for him and the thing is, Kenma can’t really refuse because Kuroo is always so happy whenever Kenma makes him something and he’s always exaggerating how good it is which is embarrassing, yeah, but also kind of cute. So Kenma would occasionally cook something for him. He tries to pass it off as something casual (it would’ve gone bad if I hadn’t used it, that would’ve been a waste, it just happened to be lying around) but Kuroo knows.

Speaking of Kuroo, he can make sandwiches and like, cereal, and when Kenma firsts visits him in university he’s horrified. (”Kuro, you’re an athlete, you can’t live on snacks” “Kenma, I know that, I’m not stupid. We also have takeout” “…”) He starts sending Kuroo food after that.

who steals the covers:

Kenma.

It doesn’t really bother Kuroo since Kenma’s also very cuddly so it’s not like Kuroo’s cold. In fact, he finds it cute (but he also always teases Kenma about it to which Kenma scowls but like, he can’t say anything cause it’s true)(“it’s okay, you’re better than any blanket” “…”)

who is more protective:

Both are hella protective but in a lowkey way, if that makes sense lol.

Kuroo mostly lets Kenma fights his own battles because he knows Kenma’s a savage capable of defending himself but sometimes… well, he can’t really help it. He mostly does his intimidating thing where he smiles while trash talking whoever did/said something to Kenma and people think he’s actually scary but most of the time Kenma’s like “you’re embarrassing………. but thanks” and then they share Soft Smiles™

We all know Kenma doesn’t like to stand out so he’s quiet most of the time, even when he hears people talk shit. The thing is, it feels horrible if he knows someone’s talking behind his back but he doesn’t really say anything because he knows it’s not worth it, okay, he knows he can’t control what others think and say and whatever. So he stays silent.

But boy, if someone insults Kuroo or even makes the slightest jab at him they better brace themselves for Kenma’s Eyes of Doom (it’s a stupid name Kuro came up with) and if he’s feeling especially protective a biting remark or two. He doesn’t say a lot but when he does it counts and the other person realizes like five hours later “… holy shit i got rekt”

who swears more:

Kuroo in general swears more but sometimes, if a game is a bit too challenging Kenma swears too. Idk I don’t really have any particular headcanons about that

nicknames for each other:

Do I even have to say anything, we already have Kuro in canon (a blessing, honestly).

But seriously, they mostly call each other Kuro and Kenma, with the occasional nerd and loser lol. It’s v affectionate tho so those really feel like cute petnames which confuses Lev because Kuroo-san, you called Kenma a loser which is used as an offensive nickname, is it not? Then why are you smiling and looking at him so fondly???

who remembers dates and times of events:

Both remember dates. Though Kenma likes to mess with Kuroo sometimes, pretending he’s forgot an important date or something and then after Kuroo’s done sulking he just come with the most amazing gift or date plan or something and goes “gotcha” with like a super falt expression but he’s also kinda smiling and Kuroo just groans because he falls for it every single time.

Times of events are a whole other matter. They both suck at remembering those, and they always bicker about it. “Kuro, the coach said 8.15” “uhm, no, I’m pretty sure that was 9.15” “why would he say 9.15, that makes no sense” “how does 8.15 make more sense????” it ended up being 8.45 rip kuroo and kenma

who sleeps in more:

Kuroo.

I mean. It’s canon Kenma gets up early to play games, he won’t give up his game time for shit like sleep. Obviously.

Kuroo, on the other hand, loves sleeping. Sleeping’s great. Sleeping’s the best. He sleeps in as often as he can which isn’t nearly enough!!! At this point he doesn’t even try convincing Kenma to stay in bed with him, he knows it’s pointless lol.

But there are those rare times (in-between game releases probably) where Kenma will stay in bed and Kuroo gets to wake up with Kenma in his arms and now that’s truly it’s the best.

who is more cuddly:

Do you think I’m gonna say Kuroo? Yeah, no. No one can beat the cuddly-ness of Kozume Kenma. He’s like a cuddle monster. He’ll always snuggle into Kuroo whenever they’re at home, chilling, and his favourite place to play games is in Kuroo’s arms and I already mentioned he cuddles up to Kuroo in his sleep too.

Cuddly Kozume Kenma. Just think about it.

who is more of a dork:

I honestly can’t tell. They’re both dorks. Their dorkiness level is off the charts.

a head canon:

They’re that one one-in-a-million couple that starts dating in high school and ends up together and they live happily ever after

Send me more ships for the domestic meme, it’s fun!!

#kuroken #nothing like some headcanons abt an otp to get back into the swing of things

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giggly-squiggily · 3 years ago

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Hi! May I ask for (Lee) Kork x reader with the sentence starter (spoken by Korekiyo) being “B-but that’s not fair!”

(context I was thinking of is kind of Korekiyo got rolled into a blanket burrito if that makes sense/is correct for the event).

Thank you!

Cute!!! I've gotcha covered, anon! :D Because no ler was given, I went on ahead and made this x reader! I hope that's okay! :3

“Try not to laugh, Kiyo!”

“B-But that’s not fair!”

Korekiyo didn’t think much of it when you started tossing blankets on him in bed. Nor did he think anything of it when you started tucking him in like a burrito. He was used to your antics at this point and knew you’d let him go eventually.

Now that you were sitting on said blanket burrito, eyes dancing with glee at his semi-wrapped state, arms tucked against his sides and effectively stuck, he wondered if he should start putting more thought towards your antics.

“It is most certainly fair!” You grinned, raising your hands and wiggling them teasingly over his prone body. “All you have to say is stop, and I’ll let you go. Ready?” Before he could respond you drove your fingers into his armpits, grinning at the squeal of laughter he let out before dissolving into a mess of laughter. “(Y-(Y/N!) Ahehahahahahhahahahhahahaha! Cooohoohohohohome ohohohohooohohohn! Nohohohohoohohohohohot thehehhehhhehehere!”

“Aww? Is someone too ticklish?” You cooed sweetly as he tried and failed to squirm beneath you, his movements similar to a caterpillar attempting to break out of a cocoon. “You know what you have to say, love!” Deciding to show some mercy, you moved your fingers from his armpits to across his chest, a place that was also ticklish but on a lesser scale. “Coochie coochie coo!”

“Ahehahahhahahahhahaha! Yoohohohohohoohou’re a mehehhehehehheheancae!” He cried out through his laughter, cheeks red behind his mask as his eyes squeezed shut with mirth. It took some time, a few extra places to tickle, and the occasional nuzzle against his neck before he finally gave in. “Ohoohohohohohohkay! Ohoohohohohokay stohohohohp it!”

Doing as promised, you climbed off your boyfriend, pulling away the blankets and plopping beside him with a smile as he gasped for breath, arms coming loosely around his torso as he composed himself. “Ahehehee…krkrkrkrkr…yohohohu are terheheherrible!” He huffed, his voice warm despite the sassy remark.

“You love me.” You smiled and cuddled into his chest, body relaxing as his arms came around you, gently rubbing soft circles along your spine.

“I do. And I always will.”

#sentence starters #danganronpa #drv3 #korekiyo shinguji #reader insert #korekiyo x reader #fluff #tickle #tickle dabble #burrito blanket

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seyaryminamoto · 8 years ago

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How does Sokka and Azula make sense? Not bashing just confused. I have attempted, really, REALLY attempted to read the fanfiction with them but I can't fathom it. Personally I can see Azula and Aang or Azula and Ty Lee better...

Oh, boy. Gotcha, I understand you’re not bashing, but this is going to be hard to explain if that’s what you think makes a better match for Azula.

What I’m getting from your preferences is that this really is a matter of tastes. You may be choosing Ty Lee and Aang over their gentleness, maybe? You think they’re happy, they’re sweet, so they’re ideal counterweights to Azula’s cold, abrasive nature? If that’s what you’re thinking, naturally you won’t see how Sokka and Azula make sense. This may be how you’re looking for Azula’s “happy ending”, if we may call it that, and I’ll say there’s nothing wrong with you thinking that way, Anon. You are allowed to have your own opinions and shipping tastes, regardless of what they may be.

But, alas, as it must be obvious, I find Azula’s “happy ending” can be very different from what Ty Lee or Aang could provide, and it happens to be extremely fulfilling for me to see Azula and Sokka together instead. Below, a longer explanation of why I choose Sokka and Azula over any other ship for them.

For starters, it must be obvious that I disagree with you. I absolutely adore Sokkla, with the force of a thousand suns, and I’ve never found a pair that suits each other as well as Sokka and Azula do. And I mean in any other fandom, too. Matter of tastes indeed, but this is how it’s been for me up to date.

So, of course, that means I find other Azula ships to be less satisfactory than Sokkla. And here I’ll explain a few things where, in my opinion, Sokka surpasses Ty Lee and Aang as partners for Azula:

Personally, I don’t like Ty Lee’s history with Azula. While Ty Lee can be very sweet, she also has proven to be one character (along with Mai, truth be told) who can lie to Azula’s face and Azula will swallow it all without having any clue of what’s going on. Ty Lee has learned how to lull Azula into false senses of security, and she betrayed Azula, something Azula will have a lot of trouble getting over, if she ever does. The way I see it, Ty Lee and Azula would have no walk in the park fixing this relationship, because Azula’s likeliness to trust her friend again isn’t very good. Especially when Ty Lee, canonically, isn’t interested in fixing this relationship. So… as I see it, canonically, Ty Lee’s dishonesty is a major problem that won’t be easy for Azula to overcome. While she could be very loving if she feels like it, the show (and then the comics) press that Ty Lee doesn’t really feel like being loving with Azula, at least ever since Azula yanked her out of the circus.

Sokka doesn’t offer the same problem. Sokka is ridiculously honest, blunt to the point of insensitive: this is something I personally think Azula needs. He won’t pull his punches, he’ll tell her what he truly thinks about anything. Whether she’s going about things right, whether she’s going about them wrong, he won’t hesitate to tell the truth because he also has a very bad sense of self-preservation. I mean, Azula shoots a fireball at him and yet he still stands there waving at Ty Lee because she smiled at him? In clear shot? So yes, no self-preservation. He’d tell Azula blunt truths and only think “Oops, she didn’t take that well” a little too late.

But the thing is, Azula would appreciate his brutal honesty. Her closest friends lied to her, betrayed her, chose someone else over her. If someone like Sokka, honest to no end, picks HER? She knows he’s for real. She may think he’s wrong to want a monster, may hesitate, may be unsure of how this will work out, but she’s going to know he means it. It’s not going to be empty words or shallow promises with him. This in particular is something I emphasize as a quality Sokka provides in this relationship that is hardly paralleled by any other ships (also, if he ever did try to lie about anything it’d be obvious too, so Azula would be able to tell immediately, that’s how I write it anyways).

And the loving aspect Ty Lee provides is something Sokka could provide too. Just look at him in his relationship with Yue, how he defends her even when Toph wasn’t even attacking her outright. If you ask me, Azula deserves someone like that. Someone who’d stand up for her regardless of whether she’s listening or not. Someone whose dedication to her is absolutely genuine. And Sokka can very easily be that someone, if their relationship is developed properly, of course.

Now, as for Aang, does sound reasonable to some degree that the most morally and ethically correct character would influence one of the more morally corrupt ones, I guess? But the thing is that Aang’s morality is very… uh, extreme, I’d say. Azula has always been ends-justify-the-means, and I don’t think Aang could tolerate this easily at first (which would make relationship development a lot more complicated for them). Aang didn’t want to kill Ozai at all, refused to (although, uh, he kinda has killed other nameless people before, surely, soooo… that was kinda hypocritical, but the show let it slide), and he also reacted explosively when the others insisted that it was the only way (sure, they were wrong, but at the time they seemed to be right). Whether Aang is ethically correct or incorrect, the fact of the matter remains that he’s very strict with his sense of morality.

Meanwhile, Sokka’s morals are top-notch if you ask me, even though he doesn’t see the world in black and white. He dares trust a Fire Nation old man from as early as episode 10, and he challenges Jet because he knows is doing the wrong thing. This isn’t to say Sokka is exempt from making morality mistakes, but he’s usually a lot less preachy about his ethics, too. He has his principles, but he doesn’t really force them on anyone. He tried to convince Katara not to kill Yon Rha because he knows it won’t bring their mother back, but he doesn’t hesitate about doing what needs to be done to protect his friends and family. He will blow up a bunch of tanks off the Northern Air Temple if he has to. He will kill Combustion Man. He will tear down all the airships he can if it means stopping them from burning down the Earth Kingdom.

The basic difference is that Sokka doesn’t LIKE resorting to drastic measures, but he will do it if he thinks there’s no other choice. Aang instead won’t ever want to resort to those drastic measures, and if backed into those situations he’ll likely always try to find another way out. The way I see it, Aang’s strict mentality that won’t accept murder, for instance, as a resource to put an end to a menace or two, won’t sit well with Azula. Instead of leading her to rethink her own ethics, it can lead her to dismiss him as childish, innocent, idealistic and whatnot, and as I said above, this would cause rifts between them. Sokka, instead, will kill if death is the only way (but he will always choose another way if there’s another one). His cold blood in these regards is not too different from Azula’s: but his morality is a lot better than hers. In matters where she might think “If the enemy won’t comply then we threaten them…”, Sokka will stop her if he can think of another alternative to achieve success. And she will listen to the alternative, because maybe it can be more effective than what she wants to do. But Sokka won’t stop her with “No, this is so wrong!” but rather, “You don’t have to go to those extremes when this is a perfectly feasible alternative where nobody gets hurt”.

Sokka serves as a moral influence on Azula really well, if you ask me, because of how much of a pragmatist he can be. In those regards, he won’t be too different from her. But he will never pass a sentence on someone just on the basis of where they came from (old man from the Fire Nation, as an example), he won’t preach morality in a strict way even if he will certainly try to stop her from making bad mistakes and treating people wrongly. But she likely won’t feel like he’s a goody-two-shoes, the way she might with Aang. And I think that would make her a lot more receptive to what Sokka would say about morality than what Aang would.

But there are also other reasons why I suspect she’d listen to Sokka, and respect him, and it’s involved with one of the most powerful reasons why, I think, people ship Sokka and Azula: They have a huge number of things in common!

First off, their families are fairly similar, only, Sokka’s isn’t a toxic mess while Azula’s is. The two of them admire their fathers (as usual, let’s not focus on the awful things Azula’s dad did…), gravitated towards them instead of their mother, from the looks of it. And they are the trouble-making, teasing siblings. Sokka will mess with Katara a lot, usually gets bitten back for it, Azula will tease Zuko to no end and Zuko explodes: both Sokka and Azula are, thus, the pragmatic, intelligent siblings with a sense of humor to siblings who are emotion-oriented, constantly striving to do the right thing, and whatnot.

So, their families are similar, and also they both have sense of humor. A major, seriously important factor, though, is intelligence. Sokka and Azula are both the smartest people in their respective groups (which, interesting, also turns them into the leaders). Azula certainly seems smarter, going by how her long-scale plans tend to pay off flawlessly, but therein lies the difference, the way I see it: Sokka likes long-term plans but he’s not so good at executing them. Instead, the show presents us a Sokka who can improvise rather quickly, who can analyze situations very fast and come up with solutions to handle every obstacle on the way. So, we have two tacticians here, but different kinds of tacticians: she’s good for long-term planning, he’s good for short-term. Imagine the unbelievably badass team such pair would make in a battlefield. I tell you, not a lot of people could stand against such leadership and tactical power.

But of course, there’s a lot they’re not equals on. Their origins are vastly different, and even though Sokka is somewhat a prince, he was raised humbly while Azula wasn’t. Water Tribe, Fire Nation, bender, non-bender. But see, curiously Azula doesn’t discriminate races or nations. At most she is classist, since she does call others “peasants”, but she takes the Dai Li into her service just fine because she sees how useful they can be. She discards a whole procession of firebenders and chooses to travel and finish her mission with two non-benders. So, if anyone’s thinking “She’d never want a Water Tribe non-bender”, the evidence really says the opposite. She’d be able to see what he has to offer, no matter his origins or lack of bending.

The encounter during the Eclipse also speaks for something that I don’t even need to headcanon as a possibility. Azula notices Sokka’s leadership, singles him out as the one who needs to be stopped. She might have tried a different strategy if she had seen Aang was the leader (like “At this moment, my forces are preparing to attack as soon as the sun is clear again, and your precious friends won’t survive… that is, unless you help them now instead of playing around with me”, for instance). She doesn’t. She goes for Sokka. And Sokka pushes her to that wall, glaring at her with defiance, and she responds with the same challenge in her eyes. Fact is, he’s not afraid right then and there. He’s fierce, he’s strong, and she’s seeing into the eyes of a man who will stand up to her if need be. Only when she attacks does he back off, and even when she ran he briefly wanted to stop her before realizing he’d made a terrible mistake by falling for her trap.

What this scene makes me think, in conjunction with the Boiling Rock’s fight, where Sokka and Zuko fight her, is that Azula would have no trouble in genuinely respecting Sokka, just the way she respects Mai, for instance. Sokka actually could have killed her in Boiling Rock, you know? There are moments where he’s just holding Space Sword inches away from her face or throat. Azula struggles keeping him at bay, and you can see he’s making her struggle. Basically: respect. As a warrior, as a leader, as a rival tactician, Azula absolutely would grow to respect Sokka because she already did in the show. And frankly, this sort of intellectual-warrior-respect bond isn’t something I can see in her canon or potential relationships with any other character in the show. This level of equal standing between them, the whole fact that the Day of Black Sun turns out to be Sokka vs. Azula (both physically and intellectually, since it’s his plan vs. her response to his plan), it tells you there’s potential. Lots of it.

Now, I cannot and will not deny they’ll butt heads, A LOT. Something else they have in common is stubbornness, no doubt. Neither Aang or Ty Lee are this stubborn, so maybe this is one of the reasons why you feel those two would match Azula better. Thing is, if Sokka and Azula find a rhythm, figure out how to handle their differences, how to balance each other, they make a brilliant match regardless of their stubbornness (if anything they get like Gladiator Sokkla as they are right now: their conflicts become lighter, sillier, and they just love it). I, personally, write them to make this happen. I write Sokkla to give them balance, not for one to overcome the other in any way. I want them equals, never uneven.

Truth is, the reason I jumped fully on board with Sokkla was because I ended up concluding this was the relationship that, if handled well, could make Azula the happiest. Sokka would get her, you know? He’d influence her in regards of morality, encourage her towards being better, but not by preaching how to be a model citizen to her, and he’d also be a challenge in regards of intellect: just imagine the board games, the two of them testing each other, working to beat one another and figuring out the other’s weaknesses and strengths. Sparring-wise, Sokka already proved in canon that he can be a challenge to her, and Azula is clearly aware of how deadly his sword is. Whether you do what I did, by having it so Azula hadn’t be taught how to use swords and Sokka teaches her, or whether you make it so she always knew, they can spar and have lots of fun with that too. And heck, a recent headcanon I thought of was Hakoda, Sokka and Azula having a bad jokes competition that everyone else flees from (it is known Hakoda and Sokka have the same sense of humor).

In short, I see a future with Azula and Sokka that holds endless adventure for them. If their potential wasn’t this great, I assure you, Anon, I would have never written a fic of the size of Gladiator. I’m nowhere near done with it. There’s so much story to tell with these two, and it’s amazing to rewrite ATLA completely with these two at the center.

(Also, I answered another ask about why I think Sokkla is the perfect match for Sokka, and not just for Azula, so if you’re interested in that side of the matter, here you go. Better than repeating myself.)

You are allowed not to ship Sokkla, nobody will stone you, nobody will be disappointed in you (plus, you’re anonymous, so who’d even know? xD). If you don’t see it after all I wrote here, that’s fine. If you still think Ty Lee or Aang make better matches for Azula, that’s fine. People can indeed agree to disagree and not clash about it, right? Only, if you follow me you should know (if you haven’t realized it yet) that I’ll always be posting Sokkla, so I warn you already that, um, you may not enjoy yourself much here if you can’t wrap your head around the ship. But really, you may just be like I am with Toph and Sokka. I have never been able to ship that, even though I tried at first. It just doesn’t work for me on some fundamental level, so if that’s what’s going on with you and Sokkla, I get it. Just, keep in mind the reasons I described are as valid as anyone else’s ideas for shipping Azula with someone else. I think the amount of fanfiction that has been written for them speaks for itself regarding how much potential Sokkla has.

Anyways, thank you for coming into my askbox to ask this out of genuine interest, and I hope my answer wasn’t rude in any way.

#anon #also in case anyone misunderstands #this ask has been waiting to be answered for weeks #it's not involved with what's happened the last two days

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wendynerdwrites · 8 years ago

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Im glad that u also like archer. Ive been rewatching it (im on s2) and i feel guilty as a feminist for liking it so much :( i know a lot of the jokes are supposed to be ironic but i still feel bad for laughing, and my bf has made comments abt "how can u laugh at that as a feminist" (he isnt one, hes using it as a gotcha). How do u feel about this? Any advice for separating myself from toxic fandom to just be able to enjoy something problematic? Love ur blog btw happy friday 💋💋

Thanks, and don’t worry, anon: You’re not a bad feminist.

It’s funny you ask this, but I used to have an entire essay series on this exact topic, and on Archer, particularly!

My philosophy is: don’t ignore the problematic, examine it. Use it as a springboard for analysis so you can learn more about the issue conveyed. Use your problematic responsibly! Because, let’s be honest, there ARE no unproblematic pieces of media. So just use it to educate yourself instead. For instance: my love of West Side Story (starring Natalie Wood as the Puerto Rican Maria) got me to learn more about the issues of white-washing.

Being a feminist is not about being perfect, it’s about learning and being open to examination and learning. Use your fandom for good!

Laughter is the balm for the soul. And listening to your boyfriend telling you how to be a feminist… less so. Kind of the opposite.

My old articles are lost, for the most part, but under the cut, I’ve pasted them for reference and included a great video on satire that also very easily applies to this discussion (just substitute feminism with the Holocaust)

Our Faves Are Problematic (And So Can You!)

Nothing and no one is perfect, so isnt it about time we learn how to call out the things we love?

We are all familiar with guilty pleasures: those things we like in spite of ourselves, that we are ashamed to admit we enjoy. Usually the term is applied to something we enjoy despite a perceived “lameness”, or because we’re not the right demographic for something. For instance, I still have a deep, abiding affection for Sailor Moon: that colorful, stock-footage-laced Japanese phenomenon that still gets me shouting “MOON PRISM POWER!” when I’m in the right mood. Yes, childhood is over, and yes, the show’s American dub did give me incest panic as a child, but I can’t help but love it.

But then there is the more difficult brand of guilty pleasures guilty pleasures that involve actual guilt instead of “mild embarrassment”. I’m talking about problematic faves the stuff that we love despite it containing clearly objectionable material.

willing18

(Image copyright Vertigo Comics)

…This is a panel from Bill Willingham’s Fables. The character there is Bigby Wolf, one of the main (anti) heroes of the story and the character the writer identifies with most. The person Bigby is waxing poetically on pro-Zionism to is someone literally called “The Adversary”.

Fables also happens to be one of my favorite comic book series on the planet.

Safe to say the issues surrounding Israel, Palestine, and the Middle East are a bit more complicated than that. And my own feelings on the matter are far more complicated. But this glorification of Israeli military policy is… um… in very tame terms… uncomfortable. After reading this, I resolved to only check Fables out of the library: a way for me to enjoy these comics in a legal way without financially supporting these ideas, however indirectly.

There are other problems with Fables: a lack of ethnic diversity, some murky racial and class commentary, and instances of some objectionable tropes, but there is a lot to recommend of these books as well. The stories are fantastic, the art brilliant, the characters well-fleshed out, and there is a definite progressive take on issues like gender and sexuality. But as much as I love this series, there is no getting around the fact that these stories have issues.

No excuses.

But it’s not just Fables that has disappointed me in the past. I am now and forever a Trekker, yet despite how horribly sexist episodes like “The Turnabout Intruder” are, or the very troubling anti-Semitic coding of the Ferengi. The Star Wars prequels famously had racist caricatures with the Trade Federation and the infamous Jar Jar Binks.

In the world of media, there’s no shortage of problematic content. From the novels of Robert Heinlein containing pro-fascist commentary, to HBO’s Game of Thrones misogynistic adaptation decisions, there’s nothing that is quite free of some messed up messages, subtle and blatant alike.

Now, when we talk about such media, we don’t merely mean triggering factors (i.e. the presentation, portrayal, or discussion of potentially traumatizing issues like domestic abuse, racism, hate crimes, substance abuse, or sexual assault), but rather how these matters are portrayed. A piece of media, such as Marvel and Netflix’s excellent Jessica Jones series, can portray certain issues (such as sexual assault, domestic violence, and mental illness) in a respectful, progressive, and sensitive light. Thus, while the content of the show can be triggering, the skill with which they portray these matters keeps it from being problematic.

In contrast, something like Game of Thrones, which portrays sexual assault in a thoroughly insensitive, exploitative, and misogynistic manner, is highly problematic.

Unfortunately, progress has been a slow-moving process, with many issues such as race, gender, sexual identity, mental illness, substance abuse, and violence only being examined in a more nuanced way fairly recently. As a result, almost all media is problematic in one way or another. Especially since even today, the majority of executives crafting, publishing, and greenlighting books, shows, comics, movies, and other forms of media are in fact cisgendered, heterosexual white men.

So what do we do?

Good news: here at Fandom Following, we don’t believe in dropping something you like just because it’s problematic. Why?

Because knowing, examining, and yes, even appreciating problematic content can be incredibly important. While certain content can be damaging, it can also teach us a great deal. Not only about current issues, but also about how to go about discussing these matters, and constructing narratives in general.

The racial issues in things like Star Wars and Star Trek can teach us much about how coding works, and how to avoid reinforcing stereotypes. The exploitation of women and rape on Game of Thrones can open up a dialogue of how to portray these things properly and improperly.

There are three tricks to enjoying problematic media: 1) Recognizing that there is an issue, 2) Being ready for a dialogue, and 3) Not ignoring or silencing the complaints about said issues.

Well, we here at Fandom Following have decided to tackle this issue head on with a series called “Our Faves Are Problematic (And So Can You!)”, where we will be exploring specific media franchises, creators, and works and, specifically, the problematic content they contain. In this series, we’ll be examining the issues, talking about why they’re important, discussing what this piece of media did wrong, how to approach the issue in a more progressive way, and the best ways to go about discussing the issue itself. Various writers will be contributing to this project, and we’re excited to present this feature to you!

So let’s get down and dirty, people. We all have our problematic faves. Let’s talk about them.

My Face is Problematic: Archer

Honestly, doing a post like this on Archer, a show which is deliberate in its dark humor, is a bit hard for me. Not because I like the show, but because I think there’s true validity in the argument that humor and narratives about really messed up, problematic stuff has its place. The show exists to be as outlandish and absurd as possible. The extremes and the awfulness of the characters’ personalities and their actions is the point.

I VUZ BORN IN DUSSELDORF AND THAT IS VY THEY CALL ME ROLF!

Joking about awful things, awful circumstances, and awful people is hardly new ground for comedy to cover, nor does it send a poor message, necessarily. Mel Brooks wrote a movie in which one of the characters was a Nazi, who wrote an overblown pro-Nazi musical produced by men deliberately trying to make a flop. Springtime For Hitler, as it exists in our universe, is not problematic. The Nazis are the butt of the joke, in which any pro-Nazi sentiment can only function if it is wildly fabricated and over-the-top, and even then, it will still be taken for satire. Because Nazis are utterly terrible, they built their movement on total bullshit that they dressed up in shiny boots and Hugo Boss uniforms and German exceptionalism and “glory”. This song-and-dance number about “Don’t be stupid, be a smartie, come and join the Nazi party” only ever deserves to be a joke, as the Jew who wrote it can tell you. Nazis fucking suck and it’s hilarious that anyone would ever suggest otherwise.

There’s justice in reducing Nazis to self-parody, and doubling down on that by making a joke about them being reduced to self-parody. Especially when said self-parody and depiction of it is crafted by the very people Hitler tried to destroy. No one enjoys or masters mocking Nazis like the Jews. Plain and simple.

Joking about awful things and how terrible they are can be a good way to process things and not allow them to hurt you anymore. Comedy, at its core, is a defense mechanism against horror and pain. There’s a reason slapstick is a classic subgenre of comedy that people have built entire careers around. Laugh at terror and pain to make it go away. Unfortunately, some of the things we manage to find humor in can really make you wonder if were all just terrible and have no limits.

Angela’s Ashes is a memoir by Frank McCourt about his impoverished, abusive, dangerous childhood in Ireland. In it, he chronicles his own starvation, life-threatening illness, abuse, and suffering at the hands of alcoholism and brutality from adult authority figures. He was a child laborer who went days without food while his father drank away the family’s money and abused the rest of the family, who often came down with horrifying illnesses as a result of the terrible conditions he lived in, and spent his formative years suffering along with all the people he loved. Three of his infant siblings die within the space of a chapter. We get a glimpse of the time when his father, overjoyed at the birth of his daughter, finds the will to stop drinking, stop mistreating his family, go to work, provide for his family, and just generally be a better person so that his children don’t have to suffer. For a short period, the McCourts have food, heat, and happiness. Then the baby promptly dies and Frank’s father is back in the pubs, once again squandering any pay he manages to acquire on alcohol and returning home at three am to scream at and beat his wife while his remaining children try to cover their ears and sleep on the cold ground.

Along with being praised for it being a both an unflinchingly brutal depiction of poverty and a testament to the triumph of the human spirit, the book is also praised for its humor.

Remember: Angela’s Ashes is a true story written by the very man who suffered through all of these horrible things. And it’s considered a pretty funny book. And the author who, once again, is the person who actually suffered all of these horrible things, actually did intentionally try to make people laugh as they read about that time he was in the hospital with Typhoid Fever and enjoyed it because it was the first time he’d been in a place where he was fed regularly and got to sleep in a warm bed.

Hilarious.

That being said, there’s satire and dark humor, and there’s just gratuitous, shock-jock bullshit. There are jokes that are terrible simply because of what they’re about and how they’re handled. George Carlin said that anything can be made funny, even rape, if you imagine Elmer Fudd raping Porky Pig.

If we can build entire films and musicals about how any pro-Hitler sentiment can only ever be taken as satire, isn’t that proof that you can joke about anything?

Yes, you can, but that doesn’t mean you should try, that the joke is funny, or that it’s alright, necessarily. Maybe Elmer Fudd, Porky Pig, and Springtime for Hitler prove that anything can be made funny and that’s okay. But if that’s true (and no, I’m not saying that it is), that still doesn’t mean every attempt at making something funny is either acceptable or funny.

Springtime for Hitler is not a get-out-of-jail-free card for any attempt to make a terrible subject the object of humor. Standards need to exist.

Unfortunately, the line between good or acceptable dark humor and simply gratuitous, insensitive, inherently problematic jokes can blur. The excuse of humor can only go so far. Yes, make light of Nazis. But there’s still a point where “humor” is used an excuse for people to act like assholes. And it’s an excuse that is used all too often. Radio Shock Jocks have been using that excuse to help reinforce racism and rape culture for quite a while. Whether certain dudebros like it or not, there’s a point where it stops being gross-out and just starts being gross.

Which brings me to Archer, the animated spy comedy on FX that premiered in 2011. Like many comedy series like Seinfeld or It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, a major part of the premise is that certain characters are, quite simply, terrible people. These characters and their abhorrent behavior is the joke. And, as the show is about spies, these terrible people are often put into highly dangerous, outlandish, and traumatizing situations.

So, the main characters, by virtue of their profession, spend a lot of time killing people in cold blood. Or trying to seduce or manipulate enemies. Or engaging in clandestine operations of sabotage that harm a lot of people. Horrible, violent things are going to happen, things violent enough to serve as narratives on their own. But most of the characters are as awful as the situations they encounter, so the horror is amplified. And it’s a comedy.

Indeed, in the first episode of the fifth season, we get the whole main ensemble recounting all of their actions and experiences working for the spy agency ISIS that we’d witnessed over the course of the show’s run at that point. Drag racing with the Yakuza, knee-capping the Irish mob, encountering human traffickers, 30 year affairs with the head of the KGB that only ended when the guy was blown up because one of the ISIS members had choke sex with the victim’s cyborg replacement, actual piracy, paying homeless people to fight for spectators, defling a corpse, defiling a different corpse, sexual assault, kidnapping the pope, blowing up oil pipelines, “smuggling Mexicans”

Yeah.

There are comedic arcs about cancer, illegal immigration, kinky S&M bondage murders, cocaine addiction… a lot of stuff, basically.

Now, take those situations, and add in characters who get aroused by things like homeless people, being choked, sex with food, and the thought of their mother dying. Who spend their weekends starting fires, making hybrid pig-people, rubbing sand into the eyes of their employees, competing in underground Chinese Fighting Fish tournaments, and calling in bomb threats so that they can get a table at a fancy restaurant. You get the idea.

And it’s all totally awesome and hilarious and god damn it I kind of love these characters.

This show has a season-long sub-arc about one of the main characters getting so aggressively addicted to cocaine that she not only consumes (literally) half a ton of it in the space of a few months, but almost gets her head chopped off for buying amphetamines from the Yakuza with counterfeit money. It’s one of the most incredible things the show has done.

Pictured: An absurdly self-centered man feeling genuine dismay and concern over his friend risking her life to achieve an unrealistic standard of beauty.

The title character has a butler named Woodhouse who practically raised him. One of the first interactions we witness between them is Archer not only threatening to rub sand into Woodhouse’s “dead little eyes”, but making him go out and buy the sand himself and check if they grade it, because he wants the sand to be coarse. He’s also done things like make the man eat a bowl of spiderwebs and deliberately keep him in the dark about his brother’s death and funeral.

Another character is a mad scientist and possible clone of Adolf Hitler who kills a young intern by giving him a drug designed to turn him gay. That’s one of the less disturbing things Dr. Krieger has done.

Frequent gags on this show include one guy repeatedly getting shot, another character repeatedly getting paralyzed (it’s complicated), people trying to remember the inappropriate puns that they wanted say as one-liners, the horrific abuse and neglect Sterling Archer has received from his mother his entire life, and basically everyone being a sex-maniac.

There are plots revolving around mind-control, drugging people, and hypnotism. You can imagine the paths some of those episodes go down. Yes, there is a character that has tried to sexually assault one of her sleeping co-workers. And later deposited two unconscious, naked coworkers in a bathroom stall with an octopus, in an episode that has already made tentacle hentai jokes. Yes, the openly gay character on the show is often the target of jokes about him being gay or a woman from his coworkers. Yes, the female lead, a black woman, is referred to as a “quadroon” at one point by one of the characters.

Yes, the following exchange of dialogue does take place in an early episode:

“Oh my god, you killed a hooker!”

“Call-girl!”

“No, Cyril, when they’re dead, they’re just hookers!”

And yet… Oh my god. How it manages to play around with stuff in an amazing fashion. For one thing, it is amazing how often this show skewers micro-aggressions and fucks around with stereotypes. And, despite how unabashedly messed up it is, the writing in it actually manages to be oddly pro-social progress in ways that most modern media doesn’t even seem to be aware of.

I take pride in my sex work and I will not put up with your bullshit!

For instance the “hooker” referred to in that exchange? (spoiler alert: she wasn’t really dead) She’s Trinette, and she an unbelievably refreshing and strangely progressive depiction of a sex worker. While she’s a minor character, every time she shows up, it’s awesome. Trinette is a sex worker who is unashamed of her job, a woman who truly does take pride in and enjoy her work, who does not put up with poor behavior from her clients, and is just generally awesome. She call people out and makes them pay for any mistreatment she receives, from calling out micro-aggressions by insisting on her preferred terminology for her profession (“Call-girl, you puke!”), shaming men for their sexual misdeeds (“How can you cheat on Lana bare-back?!”), demanding restitution for any injuries or threats she’s suffered (Threatening Archer into giving her his car after he fakes her death and stuffs her in a rug to fool Cyril into thinking he killed her), and determining her work and clients (“What about Trinette? She said that? Damn it!”). When she has a baby, she gives it her last name along with his father’s (“Magoon-Archer”) and she unapologetically proud of her Irish heritage. She’s easily one of the most functional characters in the show, and every one of her appearances on the show manage to defy at least one whore-phobic trope a minute. She’s the best.

Then there’s the show’s handling of race, which is mixed. While arguably the most important female character in the series (the show, despite its name, is very, very much an ensemble, especially as the series progresses. But in the early episodes when they focussed on fewer characters, she was the one who got the most screentime) is Lana Kane, a highly-competent (for ISIS) African American woman who is really, really well-developed, there is also the fact that she’s the only POC in the main cast. Granted, part of that IS the point. One of the earliest episodes is “Diversity Hire”, where, aside from Lana, the spy agency is so overwhelmingly white that they hire a “diversity double-whammy!” Conway Stern, a black Jew.

“Sammy Gay-vis Junior!”

Now, granted, that doesn’t sound great the way I describe it, but there are so many great moments in this episode alone. For instance, when Mallory Archer, terrible woman and owner of the spy agency mentions their lack of diversity, Cyril, the tragically white accountant and “nice guy” puts his hands on Lana’s shoulder and says he thinks they’re pretty diverse, a statement Lana finds hilarious. Cue Sterling Archer, other horrible person, telling Lana she’s “black-ish”, then responding to her offense at this with “Well, you freaked out when I said quadroon!”. The framing of this entire discourse is that Cyril and Archer are fucking idiots and Lana is of course taking offense because, duh, she should. The episode proceeds with a lot of references and discussion about racism, highlighting casual racism in a nuanced, funny, and organic way. For instance, Archer’s relief that Conway didn’t sleep with his mother. While Archer freaks out about anyone sleeping with his mother, regardless of race, Conway believes it’s racism on Archer’s fault. And in no way does the narrative act like he’s overly-sensitive or irrational for thinking that. Because the stereotype about black men seducing white women and fear from white men about this is still a very real, pervasive thing that has somehow managed to survive in our “enlightened” times. Of course Conway encountering a guy who displays a downright violent fixation on whether or not his new black coworker is sleeping with his mother will assume it’s a race thing. Because why would anyone be so preoccupied with such an idea? In that situation, it’s almost certainly based on the long-standing paranoia white men have about black men’s sexuality “conquering their women.” It’s one of the most common varieties of anti-blackness in existence.

Of course, since it’s Archer, who has kidnapped a LOT of people under the suspicion that they were having sex with his mom, we know this is the one case that it isn’t racism. It’s Archer’s disturbing, Oedipal relationship with his mother. He even kidnapped and threatened his role model, Burt Reynolds, for dating his mother. When he says “Not in a racist way” to Conway in this episode, it’s actually true. He’s just honestly that screwed up where his mother is concerned.

Conway’s conclusions on this, regardless, are still framed as a totally understandable. To the point where the episodes suggests that it would make no sense for Conway to think otherwise. Part of the joke is that no, Archer isn’t a horrible racist at all. He’s way too screwed up for his actions to be motivated by racism.

And before anyone asks, no, this wasn’t the “episode that acknowledges that racism is a thing.” You know the ones… The episodes that talk about race and why racism is bad to prove to the audience that they’re not racist, then proceed with the rest of the show, which never acknowledges race and racism again. There are frequent instances of highlighting racism, from violent outright bigotry to common micro-aggressions to clueless white people demanding how the thing they just did/said could POSSIBLY be considered racist! They’re not racist! How is THAT racist?! Cue Lana face-palming.

I just really, really like this. It doesn’t just end there, either. Racism is called out pretty frequently on this show, and not in a cliche, strawman way. Nor is it treated like something that only exists in the form of aggressively bigoted bad people shouting slurs and holding cross burnings. Nope. The “heroes” of this show just say shit that you could easily imagine someone saying in real life, shortly before getting defensive about any racism on their part. It’s treated as a common, pervasive thing that Lana and other PoC have to deal with every day, and the offense they take at it is treated as nothing short of sympathetic or justified (even in the cases of misunderstandings, like with Conway). This includes Mallory telling Lana to “put [the race card] back in the deck!” as reminder of how much of an unapologetic douche Mallory is.

It’s made clear: people say and do some super racist shit on a regular basis with realizing it or meaning to, and regardless, it’s still uncool and people have every right to get upset and call you out on it. See: Ray’s bionic hand at the end of season six.

Lana’s reactions and how they’re framed is usually pretty awesome. Mostly they come in the form of small, reasonable confrontations, which are never framed as an overreaction on her part. The fact that she “freaked out” when Archer called her a quadroon is framed as “well, duh, of course, she should.” Then there are instances like when she, Archer, and their child visit a high-end nursery school where they encounter a pretty obvious racist. The guy ignores and dismisses Lana at first, then expresses surprise at the fact that she’s the mother of the child (despite the baby being black), remarking about the “times we live in” and telling Lana “good for you!” when she informs him that yes, she is the mother, not the nanny or the maid.

Not all of the racism stuff stems from Lana being back, either. They skewer bigotry against Latinos on a pretty regular basis. When an Irish mobster rants about Latinos (he doesn’t refer to them by that name) “taking American jobs!”, Archer immediately calls bullshit, recalling actual history of the Irish being accused of that exact same thing during the mass immigration of the Irish to America during the potato famine, and it’s just as shitty and bigoted to say such things about immigrants now as it was in 1842. He is extremely irate about a mission ISIS is assigned to do on behalf of border patrol to arrest people who just want to get a job, and he ends up siding with and befriending the Mexican illegal immigrants he encounters. All of this while aspects of certain Latinx cultures are often highlighted, often very favorably (“Ramone is Latino, so he’s not afraid to express affection.”)

That being said, there are still a lot of issues in the show. The lack of diversity is definitely an albatross around this show’s neck. Especially so many seasons after the “Diversity Hire” episode. While I do praise Archer for not treating racism as a thing that is rare and only needs to be addressed in one twenty-minute block of time, it is telling that the lack of diversity at ISIS is never addressed again.

Then there’s the approach to sexuality. The show loves gross-out sex humor, especially regarding Krieger. And the depiction of sexuality is actually pretty mixed. On one hand, the openly gay character in the show adheres to a lot of stereotypes about gay men: he mocks Lana about her “knock-off Fiacci drawers”, his go-to alias is “Carl Channing”, his free time is spent at raves, and he loves to make effeminate poses. He’s also a frequent target of homophobic jokes and remarks. His outrage at this is treated as being every bit as valid as Lana’s, but it doesn’t change the fact that their main gay character is basically ALL of the stereotypes, as are a number of the other gay characters.

“Alright! Were off to get our scrotums waxed!”

Then there is the sexual assault. Which, once again, is called out for being what it is, in defiance of many common biases (such as the idea that female-on-male sexual assault isn’t a thing). But this show is way too flippant about this.

While I consider Archer to be very sex-positive, allowing every character, regardless of sex, age, or orientation, to be comfortable and expressive about their sexuality without judgment (a lot of jokes, yes, but not any that come off as particularly shaming). Almost every character, male or female spends a fair amount of time naked or scantily clad. We see Archer stripped down just as often as Lana. And the fan service isn’t relegated to just women who adhere to the typical youth and weight obsessed eurocentric standards we all know and hate.

Pam, who is a big woman (and often the target of fat jokes, which the show always treats as nothing short of detestable) is a total sex goddess who grows to be utterly confident in herself as a woman to the point where she’s giving Mallory (one of the most desired women on the show) advice. When she reveals that she keep ingesting cocaine because it’s made her thin with big boobs, Archer is utterly dismayed, telling her she was way better off the way she was, acting horrified that she’d risk her life to be “hot”, and just generally freaking out about Pam’s desire to be thin. It manages to avoid being cliche or empty given that Archer considered Pam the best sex he ever had before she got thin, to the point of blowing off assignments just to have sex with her, because she’s just that awesome. After she gains the weight back in season six, she’s still sexy, making Archer’s jaw drop in the episode “Edie’s Wedding.” She’s also unapologetically pansexual, which is awesome.

Mallory, meanwhile, is still actively sexual and treated as desirable. While sex and sexuality are always sources of gags and jokes on Archer, never do the jokes about Mallory’s sexuality ever come across as ageist. Sure, some characters make ageist comments on the show, but it’s never treated as valid. Mallory is still treated as being extremely sexy and confident about it. While Mallory is generally a horrible person, her enthusiastic sexual agency is never once treated as a flaw or something disturbing or gross. What’s disturbing, gross, and worthy of ridicule is her son being so preoccupied and reactionary about his mother having a sex life. It’s clear: if you have a problem with Mallory having a lot of sex and enjoying it, you’re the one with issues.

Even the one young, thin, white woman in the main cast gets to be unapologetic about her kinks. It’s really only a problem when her desire for choke-sex motivates her to lead a KGB cyborg to the ISIS safehouse. Or when she coerces Cyril into sex. And generally acts like a violent, awful person.

Essentially, there’s no tolerance for shaming women for being sexual. All of it, regardless of preference, age, size, or race, is nothing but fun and should be enthusiastically represented. “Can’t talk, got a pussy to break!”

Being a predator is shameful. Having belly rolls is not.

Who on Earth finds this funny?

But, then there’s the flippancy about sexual assault. There ARE gags about Pam and Ray dropping their pants when encountering an unconscious Cyril. And sorry, but the framing of it is all manner of screwed up. There’s tons of sexual coersion as well. Another one of the most problematic instances comes in an episode of season two, where Archer is repeatedly sexually assaulted by a sixteen-year-old German socialite. The show goes out of its way to make it clear that Archer explicitly refuses consent, that he’s being violated, yet the show treats this as funny.

While I get that this is a comedy show and that in-depth exploration of the trauma of sexual abuse isn’t going to be something they can spend a lot of time on, the option they should have gone with is, you know, not base an episode around a german schoolgirl raping the main character. It’s not funny, guys. It’s not necessary. It’s actually just uncomfortable and off-putting.

The show mentions things like alternative gender identities, emotional triggers, and sexual exploration in ways that treat these things as totally valid, which is good. It also frequently portrays poor people as jokes in and of themselves, which is a lot less good. While materialism is lampooned frequently, it’s not treated as a joke in and of itself the way poverty is.

The way the show often portray legitimate abuse for laughs also often goes overboard. While the show does a good job of exploring and following through on all the ways Mallory’s abuse screwed up Archer, there’s a point where the volume of “abuse humor” gets to just be downright gross. Dark humor is one thing, not being able to go an episode without a “Haha, ten-year-old archer was abandoned in a train station at Christmas!” joke is, uh… Not great.

Archer is an awesome, immensely watchable show. But it’s not one I always feel clean watching. It’s a show that celebrates extremes, yes, but there’s a point where certain lines are crossed and it’s just problematic rather than gallows humor.

Archer is one of those series that really makes me struggle to distinguish the gallows humor from the simple tastelessness. To give pause to the idea of problematic content being the “point.”

The line blurs with Archer. A lot. It often manages to distinguish itself with the things it gets right, especially since they often do well on things that most shows, movies, and books are often terrible at. And that’s enough to buy it some goodwill for when they screw up.

But seriously, guys, please stop treating sexual coercion and child abuse as bottomless gag wells. I would have really preferred to have Pam and her awesome sexuality without her sexually assaulting Cyril and Ray. It’s not funny or clever or edgy. It’s just gross.

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#archer fx #your fave is problematic #anon #feminism

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