#also watching people play TTRPGs makes me miss playing so much

[strampunch]

I never played the Forge, but I've been watching a bunch of Dimension 20 campaigns and was inspired to revisit the DST characters as DnD archetypes and I just had to draw Maxwell in warlock shenanigans.

Excuse the poor quality of the photos, but if I don't post these now I never will. (I feel Wilson would be an Alchemist artificer or something, so his Forge skin doesn't fit too well, but I haven't designed his look yet)

[dragontamerno3]

DS9 S1 E20 - In The Hands Of The Prophets

Soooooooooooo.... I finished S1. And I officially hate Space Karen.

I want to get this out of the way so I hopefully never have to say it again because praising this character hurts me deep in my religiously traumatized soul (lol), but she is *really* good. I mean, of course she was going to be well played given the actress who plays her (RIP Louise Fletcher), but she's so fucking good at how evil she actually is. We're meant to hate her, I get that. But the writing and acting is phenomenal when it comes to this level of religious bigotry and scheming.

I have seen actual people IRL that were just a couple steps down the ladder from being pure fanatics to this dangerous level and the shit they've said in some cases were almost word for word how she spun in.

We started out the episode though with a fun note on Keiko joking with Miles and clearly hinting at something that is probably just supposed to be her playing at being jealous but definitely reads as swinger language to me. Which, from what I've gathered DS9 is one big polyam fam so I may be picking up on those vibes.

Which, I'm kinda sad Neela was the traitor here. I called it when the tool was discovered missing though "it" hadn't been revealed to be secret traitor levels yet and I just assumed she used the tool for some reason. I still knew it was her and when the episode went on and murder turned into potential terrorism I was just... bummed. She seemed to truly be getting alone with Miles and the scene in the shuttle def added to my polyam/swinger thoughts, but she really seemed to actually care for him. This didn't take away from my... enjoyment, can one really call it that when one is also seething? Anyway, it didn't take anything away from the episode from me, if fact it kinda made it feel a bit more realistic cause I have absolutely lost people I cared about because of religion. It just sucked.

Then Winn shows up at the school to talk religious nonsense and the "real" trouble starts. Oh I hate that woman.

And then Kira backing Winn? I know she's also got her own spiritual beliefs and journey but that felt... a bit much? Not aligned with who she had been up to this point? Not the teaching the kids part but the "lets separate everyone" idea. It definitely threw me out of the scene for a bit. I accept it, though, based on the very end of the episode where she explained that she hoped her beliefs were as strong as Winn's, but this was the one bit of writing that I disagreed with. If something has to wait to the end to be explained like this, it could use some fixing.

Quark and Odo meeting in secret to talk about a case seems to me like the writers were trying make up an excuse to get them alone together....

Watching Winn turn all the parents and kids against Keiko was frustrating. The Bajorian food seller not selling to them because of this wasn't so much upsetting as it just made me roll my eyes, but I adore Miles for wanting to jump the counter for his wifes honor lol

When the school blew and Miles ran towards it? And then Odo had to hold him back so he didn't jump into the fire? My heart. It was such a good scene.

I think my favorite part of this episode was Siskos speech. The "You've just made your first mistake" speech. I'm being a bit egotistical for this bit, though. I love it cause these are the same exact speeches I like to make in my ttrpgs. The "You think you've won but really you've severally underestimated us and we're going to ruin you now" speeches are my fucking favorite and I live for them. Sisko wins the gold star for this one.

8.75/10 cause I couldn't decide if I wanted to rate this one a 9 or an 8.5 so split the difference lmao

[rennybu]

Hiii Andy! I've adore your art for years and your characters. Their designs are so lovely!! And expressive!! I was wondering if you had any tips for a cohesive character design? Or even advice on adding little asymmetrical details or features? And help is greatly appreciated! Thanks! Wishing you all the best!

HELLOO!!! AAAH Thank you so much for such a thoughtful question, this makes me so happy to hear! I'm so sorry it took me so long to get back to you, it turns out I have way too many things to say about this topic AKLSDHFKLSDG

(pls take this readmore<3)

For the starting point in a design, I try to stick to whatever rules apply for the setting the character is in, and their role in that setting.

Basic colour theory is always at the back of my mind, as well. I tend to use analogous and complementary colours when I design my characters and their closets. Analogous colours keep a palette contained and feeling similar to itself without being monotone. And then using colours that are complementary to that elsewhere in the design adds contrast while still maintaining that feeling of cohesion :D

The intended use of the character also heavily affects what can make a design cohesive or not - it's very dependent on art style and medium. (A design for use in animation would be extremely different from semi-realistic TTRPG concept art. The rest of what I've written skews more towards the second option!)

I consider the colours, shapes and materials that make sense for what I want to convey about the world, and how the character would want to be presented in it. The Dogwood characters are my current exercise; Mel's clothes fit him perfectly since he works a labor intensive job on the farm, and his identity is wrapped up in it so he never strays far from heavy cotton, straight cut. Ryan and Park both wear ill-fitting clothes in completely different ways (Ryan, butchly. Park, autistic and transly) - and they each have work uniforms. Ryan's work uniform suits her gnc appearance (welding coveralls/safety gear), while Park's uniform completely transforms him into "Just Some Guy" and that changes how others read him, too (cashier). And they all shop at Local Thrift Store / Farmer's Surplus / The Walmart 1hr Outside of Town. Their styles give them each a distinct silhouette, and their levels of social comfort as well as public expression contribute to body language, colour choices, and shapes that make them stand apart from each other despite living in the same small bubble. COHESION!

Asymmetrical details and features are my FAAAAV THEY ARE SO FUN, I find inspiration for these in people-watching, nature documentaries, architecture, my reflection, my friends.. <333 This part is also fun to tie in to the character's setting! Springboard questions like. Are they prone to injuries? Magical injuries? Do they have like, modern dental procedures available? Do they give a shit about crooked or crowded teeth? Are they missing a tooth, or did they chip one? Do they smile a lot and have crow's feet/other wrinkles? Do they get a lot of sun, and do they have/use sunscreen? (Even finer wrinkles.) Did they have acne as a teen? Do they still? Are they in a combat-heavy setting, with the scars to show it? Even more uniform features like freckles aren't symmetrical.

Clothing is really good to use to play with asymmetry - maybe the character rolls their cuffs but one is coming undone a little. Jewelry of all types is also great for asymmetry since it can go anywhere on the body!! Facial and other physical deformities or injuries are also incredible to see, and should be researched to find out if they impact other parts of a person's overall health and mobility outright. The different skin texture of a birthmark, for example! I noticed in certain photographs, the subject's red birthmark changed the texture of the skin, so I started drawing Orson with one drooping eyelid on the side affected by his birthmark. The more you look, the more you find!

Before I get too carried away. I try to use asymmetrical details and features as a way to boost that "world setting" cohesion, and to bring attention to parts of the character I am personally endeared by or want other people to notice. Mahon's snaggletooth is an eternal fav, which made me draw him smiling more, which made me more prone to drawing lines around his eyes. And since the anchor is in his left hand, and he tries to hide it subconsciously, I put thumb-holes in his left sleeves, which he plucks through as a nervous fidget, and as a result, his clothes pull a little across his entire body :D ITS VERY FUN to find the right jumping-off point that lets specific details click into place. For Mahon especially, since so many of those details are derived from the setting and his role in it!

Asymmetry and symmetry are just tools at ur disposal. Asymmetry tends to be more comfortable and natural. Symmetry gives a sense of stability and can be pushed for a sense of power, a sense of being uncanny, rigid, etc. Asymmetry can also be pushed into uncaniness depending on what it's applied to!! (But as a matter of personal taste, I find asymmetrical details to feel more natural and inviting than perfectly symmetrical ones. Which. Again. Depending on the character's purpose, could equally contribute to a cohesive design!!!)

OMG ok my final thought. Asymmetry can also be used as a balancing tool which yet again lends to a sense of cohesion. Adding a detail on the left while leaving it out on the right, repeated throughout with different details where applicable. Loam's colour spots, archery gear, scars and jewelry are all areas I've played with this idea.

[fatmaclover]

12, the whole gang. would love to hear every head canon you have tbh!!

oh gosh thats gonna be a lot. im gonna be excluding anything that would make this blog more personal or less tame than i want it to be but you really arent missing much there

well. first and foremost UNFORTUNATELY its a hc that im a joyce kelly truther. shes so unbelievably transfem to me at this point its hard to see her as much else. genuinely forget its not canon sometimes. oops

i also must say all of @pariskim's joyceverse tag is canon in my mind and i really recommend you go through it even if you dont see joyce the same way i do, genuinely some of my favorite fan content to consume period. yes i am also sending you over there to become a joyce truther. go.

honestly if mac and dennis could be responsible pet owners (theyll never be.) i think theyd LOVE having a snake. i know theyd go for a ball python because theyre more stereotypically "snake" than some other pet trade species, but frankly i think theyd do best with a hognose. theyre pretty social (with humans. dont keep hognoses together in a tank) idiots with huge attitude and they look god damn adorable. hognoses would also be great for them because they tend to be more food motivated! its also good for snakes to just take them out and like. set them on your bed n just chill or talk with em for an hour or so. thatd be great for mac.

i personally think that mac will only hook up with you as a fellow man if you a) can pass as older than him or b) look like dennis. yeag i think he, consciously or not, goes for people that have similar traits to dennis, physically or personality wise. if dennis let himself accept that he cares a bit too much about who mac is dating, that little fact would single-handedly make macdennis canon. dennis would tell mac to just date him if he wanted to date him so badly

not entirely a headcanon but i imagine almost all of the gang besides maybe frank has methods for getting dennis to regulate his diet a bit more instead of eating like 1 meal a day. i think mac can get dennis to eat or drink just about anything by just giving it to him in conversation. he'll just let dennis talk his ear off and continually hand him chips or fruit or even drinks or nearly any drug at all. having a small bite or drink or hit during conversation is such a reinforced habit that its natural to the both of them now.

i think dee does it by purposefully playing into her status of being "below" dennis. she'll complain about being too weak to open a peanut shell or something and he'll snatch it and do it to prove hes better and out of habit maybe has a little bite. though i imagine if theyre inebriated in any way its as easy as genuinely just feeding it to him. dennis will never admit it, because he hates his sister, but he trusts her.

joyce i think can get dennis to eat just by getting alone with him. she provides a bubble of decompression and a lack of worry for him. its also insanely easy for her to just offer dennis a huff of whatever inhalant shes been having fun with that day and i imagine that makes things easier as well

i think you could pretty easily get mac into nerd shit. just have some pretty boy be a little nerdy. get him to watch star trek itd be life changing for him even if i think a good amount of it would fly over his head at times. ttrpgs and roleplaying in general i think would be big for him

also bringing back my hc of him joining the philadelphia gay mens chorus ohhhhhh my god i need him to sing more i need him to embrace his love of singing

unngh thats not all of em but i my brains starting to lag a bit here. ill happily rb this post with more and make it a sorta masterpost for hcs eventually

[keyleth-clay]

Just for funsies, and because literally nobody asked me to, I present

KC’s Top 5 CR One-Shot Wishlist

(starting with my most wanted)

Number 1. A game using an older edition of DnD – especially if it’s, like, ADnD or 2nd edition. I was honestly hoping we’d get this with Calamity, especially considering that Matt had Halas (an archmage from the Calamity) know spells from 3rd edition that don’t exist in 5th edition. Brennan stating that Vespin was a Malconvoker just added fuel to this particular fire. I’ve never actually played DnD in my life, and everything I know about it comes from watching actual play series & reading up on info in between episodes, but even I know that there’s some crazy stuff in older editions, and since most of the cast have only played 5e, I think it would be super fun to see them see where this game came from. And, because the vast majority of actual play use 5e – which makes sense, as it’s the most recent edition of the game, and the edition that actively has new books coming out for it – it would be cool to see that just because these are older editions doesn’t mean that they can’t still be played and enjoyed.

That being said, this one would probably need to be a miniseries (Exandria Unlimited or otherwise), just to give them enough time and space to be able to experience the ins and outs of said older edition(s).

Number 2. Critical Role: The Next Generation. Okay listen.

Listen.

This is actually my absolute-number-1-most-wanted one-shot, but I knocked it down a spot because I know that it’s super unlikely to ever happen. I want a one-shot of Liam’s and Sam’s kids playing DnD – and I want Liam to DM it. He’s already DM’d for his kids, and I absolutely love his DMing style and I miss seeing him running a game. And between the handful of snippets that he’s given us of his daughter’s game with her friends, and the fact that Sam’s daughter came up with Nomen L. Frenno in The Nautilus Ark, we all know they’d come up with some incredible characters. AND if it’s set in Exandria? The cherry on top.

Also, DnD actual play series tend to be… not family-friendly, what with the swearing, alcohol, sexual references, blood & guts – none of which I have a problem with, btw, but I know that there are people who do, and I know that there are people who would love to introduce Critical Role or DnD to friends or family members, but can't because of said friends/family members' opinions of such things. I think it would be a great way to combat some of the stereotypes that certain folks have about DnD and TTRPGs in general, and also show that anybody can enjoy this game.

But, as I said, I know this is super unlikely. Sam and Liam have made it a point to not post photos or videos of their kids online (Sam has only recently started doing so) – which I completely understand and fully agree with – and they don’t even refer to them by their real names in videos – which, again, is the right decision. THAT BEING SAID, if this one-shot ever happened, I would ascend to a higher plane of existence from sheer joy.

Number 3. Adventures of the Darrington Brigade 2: Electric Boogaloo. Matt ended the one-shot with the blatant implication that these dumbasses would return at some point, and I love them so goddamn much. Where’s the AotDB sequel, Mercer?

Number 4. Literally any horror one-shot run by Taliesin. The Thursday By Night two-shot wasn’t exactly my cup of tea (I’m just not a big fan of VtM), but Shadow of the Crystal Palace was SO FUCKING GOOD. I’d love another CoC one-shot, especially because the cast has previously and would continue to go ham with the cosplay and the set design and the props, but any spooky/creepy/horrifying story with Taliesin in the GM’s seat would be amazing. Bonus point for being around Halloween.

Number 5. Obligatory M9 post-campaign epilogue one-shot. I mean, VM got their 3 epilogue one-shots (Search for Grog, Search for Bob, Dalen’s Closet) to tie up the remaining couple of loose ends from the campaign – we need The Mighty Nein, one year after C2 ended, all level 20, taking to the seas once more and taking down Uk’otoa (Uk’otoa) once and for all.

Honourable mentions go to an Exandria Unlimited series set in either Blightshore or the Shattered Teeth, but since we don’t know yet where Bell’s Hells journeys will take them (bc while M9 didn’t travel far from Wildemount, VM were quite the globe- and planetrotters), I decided to leave those off the wishlist.

[worshippdsun]

Greetings from WorshippdSun!

Here's an introduction (finally) to myself and this blog!

I'm a terrible rambler, so I'm going to limit this post/introduction to information about myself for the most part. For things like commissions, rules, an FAQ, etc., I'll probably make a separate post and link it somewhere on here (if/when I get around to it).

But for now, here's some stuff about me!

What's your name?

I go by Curio, but my art accounts online will always be WorshippdSun (or some variation of that), and my other major/most common usernames are WizardCat or calamityProphet (again with some variations). You can call me Curio, but Sun, Worshippd, Wiz, Wizard, Cat, Calamity, and other variations of my username(s) are fine, too! If you come up with a nickname or something that I'm uncomfortable with, I'll let you know (and I may update a list here or on some other post/page for reference).

What pronouns do you use?

I use any and all pronouns. Literally any and all, you can use neopronouns even. I don't have a preference, you can pick a set and use it, you can mix it up, do whatever. They/them is always a safe default, but in general, I really don't care. Same with gendered language; my only real preference is "whatever's funniest in the moment." If something comes up that makes me uncomfortable, I'll try to update a list somewhere, either here or in a rules post that I may make (if I make it, here's the link.)

How old are you?

I am an adult! I'm 22, but in case I forget to update this post with my birthday, check my account bio because that will be updated in real time.

What about adult content?

I definitely make art that isn't adult or suggestive, it's the majority of what I do (at least as of writing this), but that doesn't mean I don't make any adult/suggestive/NSFW content. I will do my best to tag and filter things with various warnings as best suited, but I am flawed and may forget or miss something.

What about minors?

I don't have a strict no-minors/must have age in bio policy, but I advise minors against viewing this blog (or at least blocking various adult content tags, I'll probably make a post that lists the tags I use and link it here when I do.) If I see a minor or no-age blog interacting with my NSFW content or attempting to contact me regarding NSFW content/topics, I WILL BLOCK YOU. Full stop.

So that tagging system?

I try to tag things as best I can, both for exposure and so people can search for specific content more easily or better filter out triggers or other content they don't want to see. Here's a link to my tagging system post. No promises, I'm not perfect, but if I forget to tag something (especially if it's a trigger or sensitive content), let me know! Same goes if there's something you'd like me to trigger tag, just ask! I can't promise I'll always say yes, but it's worth asking. As a heads up, I typically trigger tag things as just the word and then a separate tag for the word and tw. For example, if there's blood in an image, it would be tagged both "blood" and "blood tw". This is subject to change, but it's how I do things for now.

How long have you been doing art?

I'm pretty new to art-- I've been around artists for a while, I've "drawn" on and off throughout my life, but I only really hunkered down and got consistently into drawing in the late summer/early fall of 2021.

What else do you do?

In the creative sphere, I play a couple instruments (piano, viola, guitar) to varying extents and I sing. I enjoy theatre, but I don't often partake in it (even if I should). I guess I consider myself a writer but I don't do much writing nor do I have any finished products or serious/long-term WIPs, so... I'm not really much of a writer. I'm also a college student, studying biology (with an art minor), so I'm something of a scientist myself.

What are your hobbies, what things do you like?

I play D&D (or TTRPGs in general) with friends, I listen to music, I watch YouTube, I play video games (I'm a casual gamer, not a Gamer, so don't get too excited). I enjoy fashion and film/cinematography, but I don't do much in the way of getting involved and studying them, making clothes, making short films, etc., I just find them interesting. I really don't do a whole lot, I'm not really a busybody.

This is tumblr, so what about media, franchises, and fandoms?

At the moment, I'd say the things I'm most into are Overwatch 2, Star Trek, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, and a few other things, but those are the big ones. I'll try to update this if/when those change since I tend to go through phases, but no promises that I'll remember! I could also make an entire separate post to just list my various fandoms and where I stand with them now (still really into, was majorly into but don't care anymore, ones I actively avoid, etc.). If I do ever make that post, link here.

Where else can I find you?

For a collection of my links, here's my carrd. I do my best to add things there when I make a new account or join a new site or whatever. As of writing this, I'm definitely NOT equally active across platforms and some aren't really set up, but I'll be trying to get things going. As of right now, the main things I can point you to are my ArtFight (not under WorshippdSun) in case you want to interact during art fight, my Instagram because that's probably where I'll be most active outside of Tumblr, and my Patreon which, as of writing this, is NOT set up, but will hopefully be set up soon. It'll be a main method of supporting me (if you so choose) as well as a venue for me to potentially do commissions and show my actually NSFW art (in all its uncensored glory).

...

I think that's it for now! This will probably be my pinned post for... the forseeable future, and if I think of anything to add to it (or I end up making some important posts like rules, FAQ, commissions, etc.), I'll edit it and add things here. This information IS subject to change, so it may end up being different or I may have added or changed rules since the last time you looked at it. Thanks so much for reading and I hope you have a wonderful day!

[mitchelldailygames]

On Dungeon23 and Doing That Thing I Wasn't Going to Do

I think only one person follows me as I type this, so it’s the perfect time to talk about something very personal to me… MY SHAME! We’re going to start with Animal Crossing.

Animal Crossing

I’m talking about the one on Switch here, but I’ve had the same thing happen with every entry in that series I’ve played.

So, my mom and I started playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons around the same time. My mom loves this game. After initially getting talked into it by me and my brother in 2020, she is still playing it to this day. I’m pretty sure she has all the flowers. She definitely has all the fish and bugs. She meticulously designs her house and island. She’s playing the expansion. She’s watching videos online about it. She’s all in. Sometimes she misses a day or several days, but she’s always eager to hop back in when she gets the chance. If ttrpg design was her hobby, I bet she’d get her dungeon23 project done (more on that later).

I started playing in the early spring of 2020, pretty soon after it came out. I played it pretty much every day. I’m a teacher and we had gone to distance learning, so Animal Crossing breaks in the day were common, and then I’d pick it up again when my work day was done. Often when I turned it on I told myself, “I’ll just play for 15 minutes and knock out my daily to-do items.” I’d end up playing for hours, and it was easy, but it was bigger than I meant it to be. It was easy to pick up because I knew I could set it down if I needed to.

Then I missed a day. And then I missed more than one day in a row. No big deal, right? But I didn’t pick it up again. I wouldn’t pick it up again for months —it might have not been until my birthday in October— and it got to the point where I had an icky feeling when I thought about the game. And when I did pick it up again, the game had enough ways to remind me I had been gone for awhile, plus there was all the birthday stuff, that I found the game overwhelming. It wasn’t just a quick 15 minute thing. It sucked me in and held me as I cleaned up the mess I had left my island in. It would be a long time before I picked it up again.

At that time, I honestly was having a similar experience with life. I hustled at work, at staying safe in the midst of a pandemic, at staying connected in a time of disconnect, and then… burnout.

That’s all pretty dramatic for talking about a cute management sim with animals. I don’t really feel that way about the game any more. I don’t play it very often anymore, but it feels like a small thing to pick it up and mess around for a bit when I feel like it. I also know lots of people have had similar experiences with the game.

Pulling an Animal Crossing with Game Design

I started designing ttrpgs that would eventually be put out on Itchio around the time I put down Animal Crossing. That puts me just over two years designing things for people outside of my personal game groups to play. I have hustled with game design, putting out around 30 total projects, including small games, medium-sized games, adventures, and supplements, since starting. I have had projects I put together in an hour become more popular than I ever imagined and I have had projects I poured myself into for weeks flop. I make very little money off these games, but it’s not really about that right now. I am proud of all the games I’ve made. Even the flops. Especially the flops.

I flirt with general ttrpg design burnout from time to time. I over-extend myself and then end up with a dozen projects on my plate, none of which I feel like completing, none of which I have to complete. The burnout has been there, but never lasted long, cured by just jumping to a different project that excited me more. Then came dungeon23.

If you are on the bird app, you probably saw the controversy. I generally shrugged off the “sounds like a burnout machine” and “too much hustle culture” takes. See, I was going to do it totally voluntarily and be totally chill about it. And it was easy! I would finish what I had planned for the day in a matter of minutes. I was working ahead. I had so many plans. It was all bite-sized, easy-to-chew chunks. So, with hubris and an itching desire for validation in my heart, I posted about it, shared some of my early work, and generally got excited for it.

Then I missed a day. And now I’m doing an Animal Crossing. Or at least I was. Let today mark the last day of that nonsense.

I worked consistently until about the sixth day of January. I don’t really want to open the documents to check. Now it’s near the end of the 24th of January.

See, when I was playing Animal Crossing, I wasn’t playing anything else. When I first set Animal Crossing down, it took some time before I played another video game, because if I turned on my Switch I felt like I should be playing Animal Crossing. Eventually I had enough distance from my happy little island to turn on something else.

While I was working on dungeon23, I didn’t work on any other ttrpg projects. I honestly didn’t do much else. When I put down dungeon23, I didn’t feel like doing anything else, because opening up my laptop to think about games meant confronting the not doing of dungeon23. Oops. I did that thing I wasn’t going to do. I let dungeon23 get to me. I felt ashamed about dropping it and not finishing another thing. I felt overwhelmed thinking about it. I felt embarrassed for having talked publicly about what I was going to do with it.

But I know that’s not the way it has to be. Who cares if I make 365 rooms of a dungeon before the end of the year? Only me. I’m working on it being nobody. Will I catch up at some point? Will I reignite the spark? Maybe. But right now I’m working on other stuff and it feels good. I’m lovingly confronting that ickiness in my gut. I’m talking myself into letting go.

Sometimes the very hobbies we do for joy start bringing pressure and shame. It’s easy to hustle at anything. It’s easy to feel proud of that hustle. It’s easy to feel bad about slowing the pace. But I didn’t get into this hobby to pat myself on the back, to make 100 games, to complete every game jam or challenge ever. I got into because I had ideas that wanted out. That's where I'm going from here.

In the spirit of this not being a hustle but a hobby, I'm not editing this. I'm going to go make dinner.

--Daily

[saintsofvoid]

Not saying you have no reason to feel "bleh", sometimes the brain just insists, but there is so much character in the little snippets and commentary and photos you do. Even if they are similar to other people's (which is really hard not to do), they are so unique to themselves it's absolutely worth it.

Hopefully you're feeling better soon, and can find joy in creating and talking about your boys again ❤

Its late so I'm gonna kinda reply to this with what has been going on on my end and where this funk is coming from. Putting it under a read more to spare everyone, but first and foremost I do appreciate all of you beyond belief for reaching out and having such kind words to say. I know its just a me thing but sometimes it all does just get to me. With that being said, feel free to ignore the whole next bit.

I 100% understand and accept its never going to be completely possible to make completely original characters, especially given the restricted format we have for CP2077. I wish we had more power to craft our characters, more like Fallout 4's character creator (which despite the game's flaws I still go back to just to make characters lol). The problem is I see Valor in game and these screenshots of him and while I do like how he looks... its not him. Not completely. His scars are wrong, he doesn't have his tattoos, hair isn't right, he's missing the ports on his body, and overall things just aren't 100% with him. But despite all that, 3rd time around I think he looks pretty good. Again though am limited to what the game allows so a part of me does get a bit offed when I see other ppls Vs that look a bit too similar. I know its just me, I don't take it to heart, its just upsetting reminder I can't make him look how he's supposed to. Same with Umbra, he looks nothing like how he looks in our TTRPG and it really hurts because I spent a long time making him with our GM and I can't show that. Its not possible in game and my art doesn't do him any justice. So it gets frustrating because I look at some of these guys and they're not my characters, just similar figures to them, but not them.

Which is really hard especially when it comes to Val because long ago he was a self insert that I used to project how I wanted to look. I Have never done well with identifying as trans, I don't like to glamorize it or be recognized for it. I'm saving up for chest surgery but I'm fucking terrified of having the scars. I just don't want to be associated and recognized with it after my transition just because it's been really rough to go through in general. I haven't enjoyed this journey at all really, and really wish I didn't have to go through it. Valor in the RPG was my way of coping and going through stuff. Instead of gender though it was his association with cyberware and having parts of his body and "humanity" removed, replaced with machine and wires. I don't project onto him as much as I once did but he still will and forever hold pieces of that history because that's how I made him.

With all that, all I really do have is my words. Part of the problem with that is there's literally years worth of lore. I've been playing the same campaign with the same group of friends since my freshman year of college. So like 6/7 years now? There's a lot. The issue is these are people I'm really good friends with. This game has become a kind of safe zone for us. We're all a bunch of artist that mainly specialized in horror content. We were part of a movie club that mainly watched horror movies. We're the bitches that watched the Saw series during our free hour in the school library, like we are chill. That also just kinda means there's a lot of dark and twisted subject matter that ends up in our games. Characters having experienced some fucked up shit, witnessed some fucked up shit, and have done some fucked up shit. Feel kinda weird posting or sharing some of the more dark things in detail. So end up watering them down and they don't always feel right.

Top of all that, I just don't have the time to do things I wanna do. I feel so goddamn pressured at home and like I should be doing more. I honestly don't know how half these people have the time to learn and do the amount of mods and edits they do. I'm not gonna lie, I'm envious of it. I get 8-10 hours of being yelled at by customers, and then I may or may not have an hour long drive to take my brother to work or pick him up some days, and then whatever my parents have going on. I want to get back into art, I want to learn 3D modeling, I want to learn how to properly mod but I'm usually so stressed out or just exhausted nothing sticks so I don't even bother really. It sucks, because I want to learn, I want to do things, but I can't. I feel like because I have so little private and personal time now if I can't get things quick enough its not worth the effort. Its frustrating but again that's all on me.

And in other news, lotta people around me are dying or have had family die do to COVID and other things. Earlier this year a close friend of mine lost her dad to COVID and she's still struggling with that. A family friend of ours died earlier this week at the age of 35 from unknown causes. I have another friend who is in the psych ward because he is once again dealing with mental stuff and wellness check did not turn up well. Round it all off, my grandpa has basically given up on his life as well, flat out saying there's nothing worth living for anymore. Given his health issues I know its only a matter of time until I'm saying my final goodbye to him as well. So its rough, and fucking sucks. Not much I can do about it, but it makes me feel fucking worse with my own depression and suicidal thoughts. I know I'd never act on the thoughts, but seeing how death effects those around me makes me feel fucking worse for even thinking about it.

The part that sucks the most about it all, and even something I've expressed to my therapist is I'm completely self aware that its all in my head. I know I can't control these situations, and that skills take time to be acquired and grow. I am so grateful for all friends and support I do have, here, on disco, irl, I see the kind words and love and it really means a lot. I feel like a horrible friend because I don't know what to do really. I know its in my head, and I know what I can and can't control. I know what I need to do, yet I don't feel any better. I feel worse, I feel like I'm distant, and dismissive. I feel like what content I am putting out is stale and boring. I just feel lost and I'm not sure what piece I'm missing to really get things going again. I love my characters, I love making stuff with them. I love the story arch I have for Val and Ker and I want to share all of that with you all. I just feel really weird.

[bronanlynch]

recent media consumption summary

it’s been a while huh. sorry this one is all text but finding images takes up way more of my brain

listening: for some unknown reason I’ve had Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne stuck in my head nonstop for the past several days. sometimes you need to listen to ‘not like other girls’ pop punk from the 00s as a treat I guess

reading: making slow progress through Harrow the Ninth, I don’t understand what’s happening but I enjoy the vibes. this series sure can fit so many terrible woman

reread Six of Crows (and part of Crooked Kingdom) because after watching Shadow & Bone I missed my terrible children. forgot that Kaz is so much more of an asshole in the book that you get to see in the show and I do love that and think it’s fun when he does terrible crimes

also working my way through Lord Seventh because sometimes what you need is a BL novel about political intrigue. also because it’s A Lot easier for me to read things that are on my computer instead of in a physical book because reading a physical book is a commitment to closing my computer and only thinking about one thing for an extended period of time which is difficult because my brain doesn’t work

watching: Word of Honor, as everyone can probably tell from, y’know, my entire blog. I would say I’m sorry but I’m not, it’s not My fault that it’s the only thing I can think about or that most of my conversations with my roommate are just us saying “oh my god they’re in love” back and forth

Nirvana in Fire, because once again, love a political intrigue/court drama. I’ve decided that the reason I love that kind of story so much is because it hits the same part of my brain as a heist movie except slower, because it’s still all about watching a plan come together, except instead of lots of fast-paced heist sequences most of the action is people sitting in rooms talking to each other, and I am a very dialogue-driven writer and consumer of media

Shadow and Bone, like almost everyone else on the internet apparently. my roommates were like “Eliot you need to watch this show it has so many things that you like” and I was like “yes I’m already watching it and I read the books so I’ve been Waiting for this for so long.” anyway it was fun and extremely pretty, and it was interesting to see them adapt various parts of the source material at the same time, even if I think they sometimes did so in ways that will weaken later character arcs (if the Six of Crows character are Already this cool and badass and able to take jobs overseas, how are they going to have any growth left during the events of the books that are presumably gonna be next season’s plot? who knows!). my main Actual Serious Critique is that some of the treatment of race was. kinda weird? there’s a lengthier discussion of that in this article but Imo it was. kind of a weird choice on the part of the showrunners to depict racism as the two light-skinned biracial leads having people be mean about their looks, meanwhile there are plenty of other characters of color for whom that just. doesn’t seem to be an issue? especially when some of the racism towards the main character comes from other people of color? and that’s just kinda not addressed

had a Godzilla movie marathon with my roommates, we watched Shin Godzilla (2016, the only one we watched that was actually good, focused the most on 1) showing me the cool monster 2) the bureaucracy and corruption in the government response and 3) the actual human cost of that kind of disaster, I’m sure there are plenty of thinkpieces on American vs. Japanese disaster movies and how national traumas and tragedies play into that), part of Godzilla (2014, bad and boring and barely shows you the monster so we skimmed it), Godzilla: King of Monsters (2019, fun for a stupid loud action movie, they showed me plenty of cool monsters, the final boss battle showed my former workplace being destroyed by a giant monster), Godzilla vs. Kong (2021, slightly less fun and made less sense but there was a Godzilla mech powered by the brain of one of the monsters from King of Monsters and I think they should’ve done more with that)

I think the SamBucky show had one more episode since last time I did this? anyway the finale was bad. Sam’s speech about how the rich politicians suck was good but it came after they killed the people who were actually trying to help so it kinda didn’t mean as much as it should’ve. anyway here are two articles talking about how much the politics suck because wow what an incoherent centrist mess. also super fucked up to have a white guy who represents American imperialism invoke BLM as a gotcha against a Black woman who’s trying to help marginalized people

playing: entirely TTRPGs this time, sorry Daud. played more Beam Saber as usual, and also Breakup on Re-Entry and Tidepools, two-person games about the dramatic irony of having a mech fight with your partner without knowing their identity and about mermaid-human romance, respectively

making: Zan made bread from scratch and I turned it into garlic bread, I didn’t take any pictures because I forgot but trust me it was tasty

writing: nothing posted but Zan and I are co-writing a vampire AU because we are nothing if not on our bullshit at all times. we finished the outline yesterday and it’s 22 pages so uh. that’s sure happening. most of my writing recently has been for zines which I’m not allowed to share yet but when I can I will be insufferable about so. you have been warned

[deckyshep]

Unholiest - Chapter One

Original story by R.D. Shepard. Genre(s): Historical Fiction, Supernatural, Romance Content Warnings: HIV/AIDS diagnosis, homophobia, homophobic/transphobic slur usage, missing person Author’s Notes: Thanks for reading! This is chapter one of the Unholiest novel I’ve been working on for about a year now. It’s still in progress, but I’m excited to be able to share this first chapter with y’all. This novel was heavily inspired by a TTRPG series that I’ve been a huge fan of for a long time; with the uploading of each chapter, it’ll likely become apparent which TTRPG series it is, haha. Enjoy! Summary: Mac Whelan and Drew Kelly are a young, openly gay couple in the early 1980s, living in NYC and struggling to make ends meet. It’s hard enough being out of the closet in the midst of the AIDS crisis—but when Mac suddenly goes missing, Drew struggles with the grief of losing the first man he ever loved while also dealing with the existential dread of his own mortality. When he discovers what happened to his fiancé, though... heads will roll.

It had been almost an hour, and the doctor hadn’t even walked in yet.  Mac Whelan and his fiancé, Drew Kelly, sat impatiently in the office.  Drew’s hand was holding Mac’s leg down, as he had a tendency to bounce his leg when he was nervous.  They’d ran out of conversation to distract each other with, so they simply leaned against one another, keeping their eyes on the door.

“You know it’ll be fine, right?” Mac whispered, turning his head to kiss just below Drew’s ear, and Drew sighed.

“Please don’t make me have this conversation again.”  Drew rubbed Mac’s knee gently.  “We don’t know that, and you’re not making me feel better by heightening my expectations.”

Mac grinned a little. “No, I know.  I just wanna rub it in your face when the tests come back negative and it turns out I was just dehydrated.”  Drew scoffed, rolling his eyes with a smile.  “You know I’m gonna be right.  I drank so many Sex on the Beaches that night, and exactly one bottle of water.  I’ll admit, that was my fault, but that’s all that—”

They both sat upright when there was a knock at the door.  “Come in,” Drew quickly said, and the doctor walked in.  He was a bald-headed man with thick-rimmed glasses and a long white doctor’s coat that covered a crisp, plaid button-down.

“Mr. Whelan,” the doctor greeted Mac, shaking his hand before sitting down at the desk.  “And… Drew, right?”

“Yes, sir,” Drew answered a little too quickly.  “Dr. Stannard, did you… get anything back?”

Dr. Stannard nodded.  “If you remember correctly, Mac, we tested you for HIV.”

Drew’s hand was tightly held in his fiancé’s as Mac’s leg bounced nervously in his seat.  “Right.”

“Which stands for Human Immunodeficiency Virus.”  The doctor set down a clipboard, removing a couple of papers from the board and looking them over. “It’s a virus that, depending on the patient, can remain dormant for many years, or start attacking the immune system right away.  You were at risk due to your relationship with another man, and after your last spill, we’re all very glad you came in to get tested—”

“Can you just cut to the chase?” Drew interrupted.

Mac squeezed his hand, chastising him with a look.  “Baby, he’s trying to make sure we know the facts.  Even though I don’t have HIV, it’s important that we stay safe.  Right, Stannard?”  The doctor opened his mouth to speak, then closed it with a soft sigh. Mac felt his mouth go dry.  “Doc?”

“Mr. Whelan, I’m sorry. Your tests came back positive.”

Drew’s grip on his hand grew painfully tight, and Mac blinked.  “Excuse me?”

The doctor furrowed his brow, obviously never enjoying this part of the job. “You tested positive for HIV, Mac.  Moreso, we’re afraid the virus is working faster than we’d expected. Mr. Kelly, if you have been his only sexual partner, you’re going to need to get tested as well so we can make a care plan for both of you.”

Mac heard Drew start to cry, but he couldn’t really feel anything.  Not the pain from Drew squeezing his hand, not the tears soaking into his shirt sleeve, not the coldness of the room.  “I… No, there’s gotta be a mistake.”

“These tests are ninety-nine percent accurate, Mr. Whelan.”  The doctor sighed, setting his hands flat against the desk.  “I know this is difficult to hear. And I’m genuinely sorry for having to be the person to bring you this news.  I will answer whatever questions you have for me.”

“Is…” Mac shook his head. “Is there a treatment right now? Like—there has to be something, right? We can do something about this?”

The doctor looked solemn as he spoke.  “We have some experimental trials going on right now, but as of right now, we don’t have anything to actively fight the virus yet.”

“This is bullshit.” Mac said it quietly at first, like he was still comprehending it, but then he stood up suddenly, letting go of his fiancé and beginning to shout. “This is bullshit!  You don’t have anything?  Are you fucking kidding me?”  Drew tried to take his hand to calm him down, but he pushed it away.  His face was beet red.  “Half the gays in Manhattan have HIV and no one’s doing anything about it! This is fucking bullshit!”

Dr. Stannard shook his head, genuinely looking remorseful.  “Mr. Whelan, I’m sorry.  We’re doing what we can.  Finding funding for HIV research has been… difficult.”

“I don’t—” Mac grabbed at his own hair, as though to keep himself from doing anything he’d regret. “You don’t… you don’t have anything?” His voice grew quieter, and he sat down in the chair, staring at his lap in defeat.  Drew wrapped an arm around his shoulders, trying to suppress his own tears.  “How long do we have?”

“It’s hard to say, Mac.” Dr. Stannard clasped his hands together, sighing.  “It might be a couple of years. It could be a few months.”

“Months,” Mac repeated hollowly, reaching up to hold Drew’s hand.  “Fuck.”

-

Love of my life,

It’s worse than they thought.  I might not live to see next year.  I needed to tell you, but I didn’t know if I had the strength to tell you face-to-face. You have to get tested, baby.  Get some treatment before it gets worse.  And before you start blaming yourself, I don’t blame you in the slightest.  This HIV shit is a silent killer.  The doc said people can go years without knowing it’s in their bodies. There’s no way you could’ve known you had it.  Make sure you check up on Willie, let him know he might have it, too.

I found someone who’ll take care of it for me.  It’s not a cure, but it’ll keep me from dying painfully.

Please don’t look for me. You have to live the rest of your life happily without me.  I know you can do it.  Find another man who’ll make you feel like the queen you are, baby.  You deserve so much better than to watch me die.  You have to live.

I know this isn’t easy. I know it’s so fucking hard, and horrible, and painful.  I didn’t want to leave.  But I’ve weighed the options, and letting you watch me die is the worst thing I could do. You’re the most wonderful man in the world, baby. You’re so perfectly imperfect to me.  I’d kill anyone in the world just to be with you one last time.

Feel your feelings. I know you’ll be depressed, pissed, begging for one last chance.  You feel those feelings as deeply as you can.  But you have to move on from them so you can feel happy again with someone who’ll treat you better than I did.

If you have to, forget me.  If it makes it easier to move on, pretend like I never existed.  But know that I love you like the sky loves its stars, framing them like the beauties they are.  I love you like the tides love the moon, moving every night at her command. I love you like a prospector loved gold, traveling thousands of miles just to get a glimpse of the stuff.

And most importantly, I love you more.  I will never forget you, Drew.

Lover-boy

-

“Drew Carey, I know you’re in there.  Come here and open this damn door before I bust it down.”

Drew Kelly sat on the kitchen floor, hugging his knees to his chest.  He wore nothing but a pair of red boxer briefs and that white, red-trimmed shirt Mac had gotten at his first concert, the one that was big enough to be baggy on Drew. His red hair, normally pulled back tightly into a bun, was hanging down messily in his eyes.  The record player sat on the kitchen counter just above him – it was playing Love of my Life by Queen, one of Mac’s favorite singles.

He couldn’t hear himself crying anymore, couldn’t feel the tears burning his red cheeks.  It took a couple of times for him to hear Deloreah’s voice through the front door, and even then, he didn’t think he had the strength to get up.  But once Deloreah made that threat, he sighed, wiping his eyes and stumbling up to his feet.

Deloreah’s face quickly changed from stern to pitying as soon as Drew opened the door – he wouldn’t even look up at her.  “Oh, baby.” She immediately stepped inside, wrapping her arms around the redhead and embracing him snugly.  “Thank you for openin’ the door, baby.  Let’s go sit down, sweet boy – you look like you’re about to pass out.”  She closed the door and locked it before leading him to the beat-up, hideous red couch in his living room.  Drew collapsed in his seat, and Deloreah kissed the top of his head, walking over to the kitchen to turn the record player off.  “You ain’t eaten nothing today, I can tell.”

“Not hungry,” Drew mumbled, bringing his knees up to his chest and hiding his face down between them.

Deloreah sighed, putting her hand on her hip as she turned to look at him. “You gotta get somethin’ in your stomach, Drew.  You’re gonna start gettin’ sick.” Drew didn’t respond, merely started sniffling.  Her face fell, and she came back over to him, sitting next to him and beginning to rub his back soothingly.  “I know, baby.  I know it hurts.  Nothin’ hurts more than losin’ the love of your life.” She took a deep breath, glancing around the filthy apartment. “But... it’s been three months. You haven’t even gone to the doctor yet. I don’t want you starvin’ to death.”

Drew began to cry quietly, keeping his head between his knees.  “What’s the fucking point?” he whispered.  “I love him more than I love breathing, and he’s just... gone.  He’s just fucking gone.”

“He wouldn’t want you slowly killin’ yourself,” Deloreah started.

But Drew suddenly looked up at her, harshly wiping the tears drenching his face.  “I didn’t want him to leave, but here we are!”  He was beginning to ramble angrily – not at Deloreah, but at himself.  “Nobody gets what they want!  I met the love of my life at the wrong time, and now I’m gonna--” Drew’s face suddenly fell, and he let out a soft, trembling gasp, more tears streaming down his cheeks.  “Fuck. I’m gonna die alone.  I killed the love of my life.  I gave him AIDS, and now I’m paying for it,” he sobbed, grabbing tightly onto his hair.  “I was a slut!  I was a fucking whore before I met him, and I thought everything was just gonna be okay, like a goddamn moron!”

“Shut your damn mouth for two seconds,” Deloreah said sternly, raising her voice just a bit. Drew clenched his eyes shut, pressing his face between his knees again.  “You are not a moron,” Deloreah murmured, rubbing his back affectionately again.  “And you weren’t no slut, either.  You were living your life, sweet pea, and things got complicated too quickly.  This doesn’t have nothin’ to do with you or anything you’ve done.”

Drew cried quietly, hugging his knees tightly.  Deloreah sighed, scooting closer and pulling him into her side to hold him tightly. “It’s just bad luck, baby.  It ain’t got nothin’ to do with you.  Just bad luck.”

[bardicknowledgeblogger]

Critical Story Beats

While it’s not really an aspect of the rules anymore, a lot of us who play D&D and other similar TTRPGs like to make use of the Nat 20 = Auto Success, Nat 1 = Auto Fail rule with varying degrees of success and excitement.

I’ve seen people post their stories of Nat 20s and 1s resulting in hilarious and ridiculous moments as a DM allows the player to get away with something they probably shouldn’t have been able to, or failed horribly at something that really should have been easy to accomplish. I’ve read posts from frustrated DMs trying to keep players with godlike luck from just auto succeeding encounters they shouldn’t be able to waltz through like this. And in my own games, I’ve simply seen Crits be... well, not much. You succeed or fail in a way that doesn’t really make much of a difference from a normal success or failure.

Obviously everyone runs their games a bit differently, and there’s not anything wrong with having silly story moments or more low key interactions at your table if that’s what works for you. But lately, I’ve been trying to challenge myself to make moments in my stories more engaging, and that includes handling Critical Failures and Successes. So I wanted to share a few different ideas, philosophies, etc... on how to handle these rolls! Hopefully you find some things to apply to your own games as well! 

(This is mainly on how to make the most of your Nat 20s and Nat 1s - if there’s interest I will make a different post about how to handle problems with it, such as succeeding the impossible and how to curb that without players losing “faith” in their Crits)

Everything below the cut because it’s a tad long...

Making Things Interesting

This has been a guiding philosophy for me lately in all of games, as I strive to make sure that every choice made, while still narratively coherent and satisfying, is also as interesting and intriguing as possible. I want my players to feel enraptured with every moment, and that idea has carried over into my narration of critical fails and successes.

In the past, I wasn’t very good at handling Crits, especially the failures. In a combat, if a player rolled a Nat 1 for their attack, my response was often to have them just.... drop their weapon, or a spell just failed to cast. It wasn’t very interesting and proved to just irritate and frustrate the players because it was a minor inconvenience that resulted in a wasted turn and nothing more. Similarly, Nat 20s in many non-combat situations were the same as usual successes with the added flourish of “You do it flawlessly” Which was.... fine, but not very exciting. This year, I started to try and change things.

When a player rolls a Nat 1 or a Nat 20, I take a moment to pause as I think “What would be the most interesting thing to happen in this situation? What bad thing could completely shift the tide in this one moment and introduce a new conflict/what amazing thing could shift everything in their favor and create a satisfying and exciting moment for all?”

A recent example I’ve had of this - My players were navigating through a massive underground cavern, and were entering a larger room that was pretty dark and had some unique traits that had been different from the rest of the cave system. I had my players roll Perception, to see how many of these details they picked up on, and one of the players rolled a Nat 1. Now, in the past, I would have made some joke about them being too busy watching their feet to make sure they didn’t trip that they didn’t notice anything happening around them. But this time around, after some consideration, I decided on something different.

What if instead, they were so focused on trying to see something, trying to see anything, that they started seeing and hearing things that weren’t really there. Many of us have been in that position before - it’s late at night and you get an uncomfortable feeling so you look around in the dark of your room, and suddenly you feel like you definitely saw something move out of the corner of your eye, or heard a shuffling noise. So that’s what I did.

While the other players started to get details about how the cavern was carved out, signs of drawings on the walls, etc... the player who rolled a Nat 1 became convinced that they could hear whispers and shuffling in the darkness, could see dark shapes flitting about just at the edges of their vision. They started to panic and nearly started blind firing spells in an attempt to chase whatever it was off and had to be coaxed the rest of the way through the cavern.

Instead of a forgettable moment, it become a defining experience for this player as they navigated through the cavern - an experience that has shaped them in some way. And that’s the goal.

How Do You Want To Do This?

If you’re a fan of Critical Role then you’re familiar with this line and the excitement it can summon up. This is something you can carry into your games as well in regards to Critical Successes.

Now obviously not everything is going to be something you can give any player control over. But allowing the player the opportunity to really bring the vision of their character to life for an exciting conclusion to an encounter, or for any epic moment really, does a lot to build hype and excitement in the game. It make players eager to see that 20 come up on their die, and gears them up for what is coming next.

The easiest place to put this into practice is in combat. Obviously this works incredibly well if they get a Critical Strike that finishes the enemy off, as you can give them full control of the narrative if you’d like. However, there are still ways to apply it in the combat even if they aren’t finishing it off.

I try to reward my player’s combat crits by turning the tide of the fight pretty drastically, allowing them to stagger or even cripple the opponent with their attack. If your players seem eager to engage with narrative and add their own flavor and flare to the actions of their character, this can be a great place to allow them to do so. You can tell them “Your attack manages to cripple the opponent’s arm - how do you want to do this?” And let them build their role in the story. It may not be quite as spectacular as you had originally imagined, or perhaps its something completely different from what you would have done - either way, it is likely to get your players more engaged, and way more excited for these strikes.

Extra Rewards and Penalties

Finally, and something I’ve already vaguely alluded to in the previous sections, you can handle Crit Fails and Successes with “extras”. Sometimes a player fails or succeeds a task where there’s not a lot you can do with it - Maybe they’re picking a lock, and they roll a Nat 20 to do so. There’s unfortunately not a lot they can get beyond succeeding to unlock it (unless you had planned additional traps or something that they can now bypass) so in these instances, I try to think about what extra they might get out of the situation.

Maybe as they re-positioned themselves to finish unlocking the door, they jostled a nearby potted plants and noticed that just in the dirt was a small ring of keys that may be able to be used on other doors or chests within this place. Maybe, if you were planning an encounter in the next room for a guard they were going to alert coming in, they find that guard asleep and you mention that the player was so expertly silent with their lockpicking they didn’t alert or awaken the guard, allowing the players to bypass him altogether.

Obviously there are still some limitations here, and it may not be the most exciting thing, but it can still elevate a success from “Yay, you did it just like you would have if you rolled one of the other 3 numbers” to being something special. This same principle can be applied with Nat 1s, if they fail at something that simple can’t have consequences. 

I mentioned my Perception example above, but sometimes a Perception check simply can’t be twisted into anything more. So in addition to them missing out on whatever was going to be noticed, give them something extra to focus on instead. Maybe they trip over something and twist their ankle - not enough to have major mechanical effect, but enough to be frustrating and something to keep them preoccupied from the other information. Or perhaps they see something that is ultimately useless but stands out to them - a shiny pebble on the side of the road that has a strange green hue to it. If the player really plays along and even takes the pebble, trying to determine what it does, this is something you can potentially play with later. Maybe the pebble is a mark used by goblins to track potential people to rob? Perhaps the stone grows bigger every day until they start receiving movement penalties. They possibilities are truly limitless.

There’s obviously a lot more you can do, but these are the things I’ve been trying to incorporate into my own games. I want there to be magic to seeing a 20 come up on the die, and a sense of dread to seeing a 1. I don’t want it to be a minor annoyance, I want it to be a defining moment in the story.

As mentioned at the top - I will look at doing another one talking about how to handle Impossible Successes and Failures if there’s some interest!

[theonyxpath]

Once more into Milwaukee, old friends. That is said with true anticipation, as I’m looking forward to the Mid Winter Convention and also all of all the wonderful people who go to it and run it – including almost all of our Onyx Path Monday Meeting crew.

I also look forward to it with a tidal wave of nostalgia, as Milwaukee, and the Hilton where Mid Winter is held, was also where White Wolf booked our Gen-Con rooms and our parties in the years after Vampire first came out. So there’s a lot of overlay of memories as I walk (stagger) through the hotel and downtown.

Now, as to what we’re doing there now?

First, we’ll be officially announcing four projects that are on our plate this year at our Onyx Path Q&A Social on Friday. From there we’ll also talk about them on the Onyx Pathcast live from Mid Winter, and on our social media. So even if you miss the Q&A, and it’s been sold out for quite some time, keep and eye and an ear out (and maybe an arm, YA lit readers) and you’ll hear about them.

And like I mentioned last week, if you have any questions you want us to answer at the Q&A, send them in via the Comments section of this blog.

Dark Eras 2 art by Luis Sanz

Thursday features panels and seminars for folks wanting to get into or do better in the TTRPG creation biz, and we have a bunch of our folks helping out there; from Eddy Webb’s Developer Bootcamp, to Matt McElroy and myself sitting in on the Kickstarter tips session in the morning. There are freelancer panels with a bunch of our, well, freelancers, like Crystal Mazur and Danielle Lauzon, that are also happening throughout the con.

In fact, on Saturday, there’s a V5 Chicago By Night panel with Matthew and a host of writers from the project that should help illuminate the darkness. Not of a vampire’s soul, but of why Mike Hollywood wrote about particular Chicago landmarks – that sort of thing.

We’ve also got folks demoing and playtesting, with a few secret playtests being run, throughout the convention.

VtR2e Spilled Blood art by Andrea Payne

Let’s back it up, and I’ll talk about Wednesday, which is our all-day Onyx Path Summit where the Monday Meeting crew will be reviewing 2019 and looking towards the next couple of years.

Some of that is just stuff we have to do like budgeting, but the vast majority will be more process and project focused brainstorming.

Some of that will be to review the notes from the team that I’ve posted these last 3 weeks. We’ll look mostly at what we can improve, but we’ll definitely add in the good stuff we did all last year. And there is a lot of that last year. After all, we all need to remember the highs as we take a hard look at what could be done better.

So if you want us discussing your ideas for what we can do to sharpen our saws or new avenues to look into- please drop us a note in the Comments here. We’ll add your thoughts to the mix in the appropriate discussion. We intend to come out of this year’s Summit with strong directions for how to improve what we do while still moving forward with new projects and possibilities.

Last year, for example, one of our directions was to increase our Actual Play presence – and so we made decisions through the year that brought on more venues for that. Such as boosting our Twitch channel to the point where there’s at least one stream running a day and often more.

So, we’ll see what this year’s Summit brings us!

Meanwhile, (Blood) Cults of the (Bloody) Blood Gods (of Blood) for V5 continues to wow us on Kickstarter, and with more than a week left, we’re still going strong! We’ve passed the Chicago By Night KS in terms of number of backers and the pledge amount (in fact we’re just a hair from being 400% funded as I write this). Check out the raft of Cults of the Blood Gods vids and interviews happening just this last week in the Media section below!

Yugman’s Guide art by Shen Fei

New Years Resolutions from Onyx Path:

Here are the resolutions of our usual Monday Meeting cast of characters as we look out into 2020. Note that these are before our Summit this Wednesday, so some of them might refocus after that. Maybe not!

Dixie:

I’m going to revamp how I track and plan my projects so that things are less likely to be late or rushed. I’m also going to be more realistic about my workload and not let myself get overwhelmed because I thought I could do more than I reasonably could. It’s going to be a good year for projects!

Mirthful Mike:

My big one for 2020 is to work on my control issues… namely contracting more of the layout duties rather than trying to tackle 95% of them myself. This not only means bringing in at least one or two more designers, but also working with the devs on updating some of the tagging stuff that I’ve been manually tweaking over the years. 

Matt:

I’m resolving to make better use out of the tools we have available for project management and team communications. We have a lot of projects in development and tools to make managing them easier, so I should be more effective using them.

LisaT:

I resolve to manage my time better on a daily, weekly and monthly basis.

Ian:

Now that the core Trinity Continuum is out, I’m looking forward to being able to deliver upcoming supplements and game lines a lot faster. We were able to hit the ground running over December with a good handful of releases, and I’d like to keep up a lot of that momentum.

Eddy:

I resolve to clear up the clutter in my work process so I have more time to focus on projects. Being busy is a great problem to have, but it is still a problem if there’s a dozen different things that all need your attention.

Matthew:

I resolve to play and run more games outside my normal horror comfort zone! I want to expand my knowledge of rules and settings in 2020. While I love being the Vampire guy at Onyx Path, it would be fantastic to confidently take on more fantasy and science fiction work, and for me, that requires running more D&D, Scion, and Trinity!

RichT:

Last year, I was able to do much more creative work as James Bell’s efforts as our Kickstarter Concierge really kicked in and I could step back from KS planning and execution: and it was great! For 2020, I resolve to continue pushing forward with more and more creative efforts, from continuing with the ongoing reviews of our projects as our fantastic creative teams pitch and outline their ideas, to full read-throughs of finished PDFs, to expanding the unusual ideas that help define our projects and game worlds.

For example, I feel like I was able to add some fun to the TC: Aberrant KS with the lead-in webcomic, and with some of the character-based design elements for the book, and I think we can run with similar things for our other books. Maybe it’s time for us to come up with a new Deluxe book idea, to play around with some fun packaging that evokes the project specifically.

There’s a lot to look forward to with so many fantastic games to work on, and we’re all excited to be creating our:

Many Worlds, One Path!

BLURBS!

Kickstarter!

V5 Cults of the Blood Gods has passed $119,000 and 2010 backers, and has trumpeted forward passing through Stretch Goal after Stretch Goal right into the new year!

Onyx Path Media!

This Friday’s Onyx Pathcast is a live broadcast from the MidWinter Convention in Milwaukee! Check it out direct on Podbean, or your favorite podcast venue! https://onyxpathcast.podbean.com/

We continue on the V5 Cults of the Blood Gods train this week, starting with an interview between 307 RPG Podcast and one of the book’s co-writers, Jacob Burgess: https://307rpg.com/?p=128

Podcast 67 – Cults of the Blood Gods (Vampire: the Masquerade) with writer Jacob Burgess

Strange Adventures provides coverage of the Hecata from V5 Cults of the Blood Gods right here: https://youtu.be/TcXwmrLlEPk

Noted Vampire YouTuber Outstar has made her own fantastic video covering V5 Cults of the Blood Gods right here, and it’s worth checking out: https://youtu.be/_oUk-doDepo

Red Moon Roleplaying continue their actual play of The Family, a V5 Cults of the Blood Gods story involving Matthew Dawkins, Klara Herbol, Bianca Savazzi, and Jason Carl, with episode three right here: https://youtu.be/TcH3RZO3Z7s

Our Twitch channel continues with its streams of superb content, including Aberrant, Scarred Lands, Changeling: The Lost, Changeling: The Dreaming, Mage: The Awakening, and Vampire: The Masquerade! Follow us on twitch.tv/theonyxpath to watch us live or catch up by subscribing!

Likewise, continue to tune in to us on YouTube for actual plays of Changeling: The Lost, Pugmire, Vampire: The Masquerade, and much much more!

Subscribe to us on youtube.com/user/theonyxpath

And the Gentleman Gamer, Matthew Dawkins, continues his Gentleman’s Guide to Scion over on his channel, youtube.com/user/clackclickbang

And here’s even more Occultists Anonymous actual plays of Mage: The Awakening for you!

Episode 70: What We Leave Behind The cabal get breakfast with Shanna in order to get some first-hand information about the Mysterium caucus in Mexico. After the sun sets, they have an appointment with a ghost imprisoned in a bench.https://youtu.be/pE4n8Pfgml4

Episode 71: A New Oracle The cabal checks in with Jimmy “Smalls” Patinko and arranges for a jailbreak for their friend out-of-time, Judd. The Leaf Theater Players take to the stage!https://youtu.be/ky8qO-OFP9g

The Story Told Podcast continue their Exalted actual play with episode 22 of the Fall of Jiara, their Dragon-Blooded story: http://thestorytold.libsyn.com/fall-of-jiara-22

Blood on the Tamesis has published a fun video on playing a Lasombra using the resources in the soon-to-be released V5 Chicago by Night: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utI8P5C0AJk&feature=youtu.be

Devil’s Luck Gaming continue their fantastic and epic Scarred Lands Pirates of the Bloodwater campaign over on their Twitch channel: https://www.twitch.tv/DevilsLuckGaming

And back over to Red Moon Roleplaying to close us off with the penultimate episode of The Sacrifice for V5 Chicago by Night, run by Klara Herbol and including Matthew Dawkins as a player: https://youtu.be/9N29X-PWhsQ

Drop Matthew a message via the contact button on matthewdawkins.com if you have actual plays, reviews, or game overviews you want us to profile on the blog!

Please check any of these out and let us know if you find or produce any actual plays of our games!

Electronic Gaming!

As we find ways to enable our community to more easily play our games, the Onyx Dice Rolling App is live! Our dev team has been doing updates since we launched based on the excellent use-case comments by our community, and this thing is awesome! (Seriously, you need to roll 100 dice for Exalted? This app has you covered.)

On Amazon and Barnes & Noble!

You can now read our fiction from the comfort and convenience of your Kindle (from Amazon) and Nook (from Barnes & Noble).

If you enjoy these or any other of our books, please help us by writing reviews on the site of the sales venue from which you bought it. Reviews really, really help us get folks interested in our amazing fiction!

Our selection includes these latest fiction books:

Our Sales Partners!

We’re working with Studio2 to get Pugmire and Monarchies of Mau out into stores, as well as to individuals through their online store. You can pick up the traditionally printed main book, the screen, and the official Pugmire dice through our friends there! https://studio2publishing.com/search?q=pugmire

We’ve added Prince’s Gambit to our Studio2 catalog: https://studio2publishing.com/products/prince-s-gambit-card-game

Now, we’ve added Changeling: The Lost 2nd Edition products to Studio2‘s store! See them here: https://studio2publishing.com/collections/all-products/changeling-the-lost

Scarred Lands (Pathfinder) books are also on sale at Studio2, and they have the 5e version, supplements, and dice as well!: https://studio2publishing.com/collections/scarred-lands

Scion 2e books and other products are available now at Studio2: https://studio2publishing.com/blogs/new-releases/scion-second-edition-book-one-origin-now-available-at-your-local-retailer-or-online

Looking for our Deluxe or Prestige Edition books? Try this link! http://www.indiepressrevolution.com/xcart/Onyx-Path-Publishing/

And you can order Pugmire, Monarchies of Mau, Cavaliers of Mars, and Changeling: The Lost 2e at the same link! And NOW Scion Origin and Scion Hero are available to order!

Starting today, DTRPG and its affiliated Community Content sites begin the New Year, New Game sale! A huge number of our PDFs are on sale from all of our game worlds, as well as a Big Scion 2e Bundle with 4 PDFs being offered for $13! https://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/299474/NYNG-Scion-2E-BUNDLE

As always, you can find Onyx Path’s titles at DriveThruRPG.com!

On Sale This Week!

This Wednesday, we will be releasing the Advance PDF for Trinity Continuum: Aeon Ready Made Characters on DTRPG! We’ll also be releasing the C20 Novel, The Cup of Dreams, and the Tales of Good Dogs Pugmire fiction anthology in the Nook and Kindle stores!

Finally on Wednesday, we’ll be opening the Storypath Nexus Community Content site for Trinity Continuum projects with templates and art packs to get you started, and several projects already submitted to the site!

Conventions!

2020: Midwinter: January 9th – 12th, in Milwaukee, WI. Come see rare appearances by Onyx Path art director Mirthful Mike Chaney, Impish Ian Watson, and a rare US appearance by The Gentleman Gamer himself, Matthew Dawkins! Also, most of our Monday Meeting crew: Eddy Webb, Dixie Cochran, Matt McElroy, and RichT!

We’ll be holding panels, running games, making announcements of hitherto unannounced projects, recording the Onyx Pathcast, and holding down some seats in the Monarch Lounge!

Check out David Fuller’s Athens, Ohio Scion actual play tie-in adventure (soon to be coming to the Storypath Nexus community content site) that will be running at Midwinter. The event url is below: https://tabletop.events/conventions/midwinter-gaming-convention-2020/schedule/402

And now, the new project status updates!

DEVELOPMENT STATUS FROM EDDY WEBB (projects in bold have changed status since last week):

First Draft (The first phase of a project that is about the work being done by writers, not dev prep)

Exalted Essay Collection (Exalted)

N!ternational Wrestling Entertainment (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Contagion Chronicle Ready-Made Characters (Chronicles of Darkness)

Trinity Continuum: Adventure! core (Trinity Continuum: Adventure!)

Duke Rollo fiction (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

TC: Aberrant Jumpstart (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

RUST (Scarred Lands)

Under Alien Suns (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

Redlines

Kith and Kin (Changeling: The Lost 2e)

Dragon-Blooded Novella #2 (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Many-Faced Strangers – Lunars Companion (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Second Draft

M20 Victorian Mage (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

Exigents (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Crucible of Legends (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Development

Heirs to the Shogunate (Exalted 3rd Edition)

TC: Aberrant Reference Screen (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Monsters of the Deep (They Came From Beneath the Sea!)

Scion: Demigod (Scion 2nd Edition)

Tales of Aquatic Terror (They Came From Beneath the Sea!)

Across the Eight Directions (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Contagion Chronicle: Global Outbreaks (Chronicles of Darkness)

Contagion Chronicle Jumpstart (Chronicles of Darkness)

Manuscript Approval

Scion: Dragon (Scion 2nd Edition)

Masks of the Mythos (Scion 2nd Edition)

Trinity Continuum Jumpstart (Trinity Continuum Core)

One Foot in the Grave Jumpstart (Geist: The Sin-Eaters 2e)

Player’s Guide to the Contagion Chronicle (Chronicles of Darkness)

Post-Approval Development

Scion LARP Rules (Scion)

Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition core rulebook (Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition)

Titanomachy (Scion 2nd Edition)

Editing

Lunars: Fangs at the Gate (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Geist 2e Fiction Anthology (Geist: The Sin-Eaters 2nd Edition)

Dragon-Blooded Novella #1 (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Legendlore core book (Legendlore)

WoD Ghost Hunters (World of Darkness)

Mythical Denizens (Creatures of the World Bestiary) (Scion 2nd Edition)

Pirates of Pugmire KS-Added Adventure (Realms of Pugmire)

Yugman’s Guide to Ghelspad (Scarred Lands)

Trinity Continuum: Aberrant core (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Terra Firma (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

Deviant: The Renegades (Deviant: The Renegades)

Lunars Novella (Rosenberg) (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Buried Bones: Creating in the Realms of Pugmire (Realms of Pugmire)

Post-Editing Development

TC: Aeon Ready-Made Characters (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

Night Horrors: Nameless and Accursed (Mage: the Awakening Second Edition)

City of the Towered Tombs (Cavaliers of Mars)

W20 Shattered Dreams Gift Cards (Werewolf: The Apocalypse 20th)

TC: Aeon Jumpstart (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

Vigil Watch (Scarred Lands)

Scion Companion: Mysteries of the World (Scion 2nd Edition)

Cults of the Blood Gods (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

Wraith20 Fiction Anthology (Wraith: The Oblivion 20th Anniversary Edition)

Hunter: The Vigil 2e core (Hunter: The Vigil 2nd Edition)

Let the Streets Run Red (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

M20 The Technocracy Reloaded (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

Indexing

ART DIRECTION FROM MIKE CHANEY!

In Art Direction

Contagion Chronicle – Finals coming in.

Trinity Continuum: Aberrant

Hunter: The Vigil 2e

Ex3 Lunars – Art is in.

TCfBtS!: Heroic Land Dwellers – LeBlanc working on finals.

Night Horrors: Nameless and Accursed – Contracted. Already seeing sketches.

Cults of the Blood God (KS)

Mummy 2

City of the Towered Tombs

Let the Streets Run Red – Art notes and contracts finishing going out this week.

CtL Oak Ash and Thorn – Figuring out art notes.

Scion Mythical Denizens – Need sketches for fulls.

Deviant

Yugman’s Guide to Ghelspad – Got some finals in.

Vigil Watch – Need one more artist.

Legendlore (KS)

Technocracy Reloaded (KS) – Got notes out to artists for halfs and splats.

Scion Companion – Working on art notes for that.

In Layout

Trinity Continuum Aeon: Distant Worlds

Pirates of Pugmire – With Aileen.

Proofing

Dark Eras 2 – At WW for approval and they will be back after the New Year.

Trinity Continuum Aeon Jumpstart

They Came from Beneath the Sea!

VtR Spilled Blood – 2nd proof with dev.

Chicago Folio – Halfway through layout.

At Press

V5: Chicago – Shipping to the KS fulfillment shippers.

Geist 2e (Geist: The Sin-Eaters 2nd Edition) – Being printed.

Geist 2e Screen – Being printed.

DR:E – Being printed.

DRE Screen – Being printed.

DR:E Threat Guide – Helnau’s Guide to Wasteland Beasties

Trinity Continuum: Aeon RMCs – Advance PDF going on sale on Wednesday.

Memento Mori – Gathering errata.

M20 Book of the Fallen – PoD proof on the way.

Trinity Continuum Storypath Nexus Community Content – Goes live on Weds.

Today’s Reason to Celebrate!

Late last week was my granddaughter’s one-year birthday! If she demolishes life as completely as she did her birthday cupcake – the kid’s gonna be alright.

[fluidityandgiggles]

Sleep Is For The Weak - Chapter 17

Previous Chapters: Prologue, Chapter 1, Chapter 5, Chapter 10, Chapter 15, Last Chapter

Writing Masterlist - for previous chapters not otherwise linked, Read on AO3

Notes (I guess): Happy school year in two weeks, folks.

Not gonna lie, I actually had a plan for this chapter, and then forgot it. So... yeah, not the most cohesive or best chapter, but I got it out, and it’s nice, and I like it this way because it’s a break from the wave of panic attacks and mild transphobia the last chapter or two.

Yes, I’m back home now, and I’m doing actually much better mentally and physically than I have since September till June. But the chapters are gonna take a while longer to write from now on, because I’m about to join the scary world of job searching for the unstable ADHD brain, not to mention being involved in three regular ttrpg campaigns (where I play a halfling sorcerer, and a half-elf bard, and also DM the third one), so... my brain is busy. But I promise this fic isn’t going on hiatus! I’m still extremely dedicated and excited to be writing this fic. I love it so much. Honest.

As per every chapter, thanks go to @whatwashernameagain for KHS and for generally being a wonderful human, to @broadwaytheanimatedseries for putting up with my fangirl-levels of excitement over everything (and coming up with the original idea), to @winglessnymph, @asleepybisexual and @anony-phangirl - who, while I know they’ve all fallen out of the loop, continue to have long-lasting effects on this fic as a whole - and new to this list, to @ilovemygaydad, who I’ve asked to beta this fic for me and I hope they’d have time for that starting with the next chapter.

Happy start of college and good luck, my darling dear child. I love you.

Tag list (sort of): @bunny222, @ab-artist, @sweet-and-sour-shadowling, @your-username-is-unavailable, @virgilcrofters, @violetblossem, @maybe-i-like-the-misery, @book-of-charlie, @thatsanswitch, @thatrandomautist, @thebiggestgaypirate, @marshmallow-the-panda

(Wanna be tagged? Lemme know!)

Trigger warning: period appropriate transphobia (the early 00s were not exactly trans-friendly). This chapter is light on the transphobia, but includes aphobia, deadnaming, panphobia (yes, pansexuality was a term in the early 00s, as I learned just half an hour ago) and vague mentions of child abuse.

—————

Sunday, July 27th, 2003

Incoming call: 218-357-5555

"Ye—"

"Remy? I didn't forget your number? Oh good!"

"...Emile?"

"Yeah?"

"...what's this phone number, darling?"

"Oh! Yeah, I… my phone died, so I got a new one! Sorry I didn't tell you sooner… but, umm, I'm gonna get to the point, yeah okay, happy birthday!"

"Thank… you…? Em, you shouldn't have—"

"Ah, but see, that's where you're wrong! Because I had to, because I said that I have to! You're my best friend in the whole world, what kind of friend would I be if I didn't at least call you to say happy birthday?"

"You're precious, darling."

"Thank you! Oh, did you get my gift yet? I sent it to you in the mail last month! Did you—"

"I did, it was… well, it was unexpected, I'd give you that. Where did you even find a Jack mug anyway?"

"Disneyland…?"

"...you know what, that's fair."

"Yeah! So, happy birthday! I'll be in Manhattan next week, so like… do you wanna go see a show or something…? I haven't seen the Gypsy revival yet…"

"...it's a date, then. But you're paying."

"Yes, yes of course! It's gonna be alright, okay? You trust me?"

"With my life."

"Yay! Okay, okay, umm… yeah. I miss you! Happy birthday!"

"Thank—"

"I gotta go right now at this second it's my cousin's bat mitzvah in two days and I need to get my suit and everything but I'll call you tomorrow evening too okay?"

"Sure… have fun, darling."

"Thank you! Okay, bye!"

—————

"India M—"

"Why didn't you tell me Emile has a new number? I cannot fucking believe you!"

"He wanted to do it himself, peach. On your birthday."

"Okay… okay, I guess that's fair…"

"Happy birthday, too."

"Thanks, mom…"

"So… how'd you spend the week?"

"Nothing big happened… my dad took me to see Nina West last night. It was the fucking best."

"I'll bet. Did you have fun?"

"So much fun! She's fan-fucking-tastic. Honestly. I'd give anything for her to either do me or spare a bit of her funny to me."

"Wow… gay much?"

"Shut up."

"Don't worry, it's fine. I still need to take Jenna to a drag show sometime. Did anyone hit on you…?"

"You'll be surprised how many people hit on my dad, actually. But no. I actually broke up with Chris today because of this."

"Oh? Do tell."

"It wasn't… much. He called me a couple hours ago to say happy birthday, which is fine if you ask me but I just… it ended in him trying to talk me into not talking to Emile again. And that's normal, okay, ain't something I can't handle. But he said ‘sure he's asexual, when he isn't spreading his legs to everyone he's asexual'."

"...did he seriously think he can get away with it?"

"India, no—"

"I don't give a fuck anymore, peach. I'm not going to beat him up, you have nothing to worry about, I just… this shit is so fucking infuriating!"

"I know. But hey, look at the bright side. Ulysses and Mandy said they'll take over next year, I'm gonna let them know. He won't be back."

"That's… that's true. I'll call Mandy later. Don't worry about it. Just… what then?"

"Then I told him that it wasn't his choice, he didn't choose any of it, so he said ‘just like you couldn't choose to stay a girl, Rebecca'."

"...oh yeah. Yeah, definitely. I'm telling Mandy. She'll deck him for sure next time she sees him."

"Thanks, mom. I just… I so wanted to deck him right then! So I gave him a piece of my mind, broke up with him and hung up and deleted his number. Now we wait and see what's gonna happen."

"Good boy. I taught you well."

"Thanks… again… he also said that asexuality isn't real, and—"

"I'm flying down to Texas right now to sock him. I took karate for three years. I can do this."

"India, no… hon. Babe. You need to get settled in DC. You need to—"

"I'm buying the plane tickets right now, Remy! Watch me!"

"—You need to get your life together and get your master's degree. You do not, however, need to go break the nuts of someone who doesn't deserve your attention—"

"Who's the older and wiser one of us?"

"Right now? Not you. You told me this very thing when I wanted to kill that asshole who made a joke out of Emmy, I'm telling you this now. Don't."

"...fine. But if I ever do get the opportunity, I'm doing it."

"Good for you."

"Nobody plays my kids dirty like that."

"You go, mom."

"I will! Oh shit, I have to go!"

"What? Why—"

"I forgot Jenna's parents are coming over today and I need to go pick them up from the airport. I'll call you later to keep catching up, okay peach?"

"Okay, but—"

"Awesome, happy birthday, we love you! See you in two weeks!"

"...see y—"

—————

"...Remy?"

"Good evening, Linda… where's Leah?"

"...and here I thought you called to talk to me. But I suppose I'm only your mother, nothing—"

"Mom, please, I'll talk to you after I tell Leah something really important."

"Alright, I'm sorry. But you got the package we sent you, didn't you?"

"I did, I… I just don't understand. You painted that…?"

"Who else would sign my name on a canvas, Remy?"

"You're… right. I'm sorry. It's very nice. Thank you."

"Happy birthday, son."

"Thank… you…"

"...hello?"

"Leah…? Leah, sweetie, can you hear me?"

"Remy! Oh, oh oh oh Remy I told you I'd tell you about my camp and—"

"And how was your time at camp? Take a breath and then tell me."

"Okay! Okay, so, so we were in the woods, and in cabins, and I kinda wanted to sleep in tents but it didn't happen and it was kinda disappointing but I can always do that later, and…"

—————

August 2003

There was a blackout as Remy was trying to write an essay Dr. Gilliam asked of his class.

So his dad put him on a bus to Georgia, which is why he's making do right now at doing his schoolwork with two children running around.

"We gotta go bowling too!" Leah whispered excitedly. For the fifteenth time this hour. "And then we need ice cream, and, umm, I know where the puppies are, and—"

"Leah, love, I need to finish this essay for school right now. Give me a couple minutes, about twenty, and I'll be with you, okay?"

"Okay!"

Remy couldn't be happier to be there at that moment. He had a plane ticket booked to Boston, his rooming was already set at Lowell, the papers have all been set and he was about to room with Emile, Mandy called him the other day to ask if he'd like to help her run the queer society meetings (and of course he said yes)...

And then there was a crashing sound. And a crying toddler sound. And he had to put his laptop aside to go check on Rachel.

More like run to the kitchen to check on Rachel, who was now standing in front of broken pieces of cheap china and bawling her eyes out.

"No, sweetie, it's okay…" he picked her up and started playing with her hair, hoping to calm her down. "We're gonna clean this, okay? What were you doing with the plate?"

"Tea party!"

"You wanna have a tea party?" She nodded, hiding her face in the crook of his neck. "Okay… okay. Let's wash your face, then pick up the pieces, and then make some tea and have a tea party with your dollies. Okay, love?"

She nodded again, and he kind of had no choice. So he did what he said he'd do, sitting Rachel down in her high chair as he cleaned the broken pieces, and for a moment, he felt like an absolute idiot. He felt like he was his mom.

Well… like Rachel was his mom, and the plate was him, and he was his dad, and holy fuck Emile's show analysis habits have definitely had an effect on him and he really should stop thinking about all this ridiculousness right now.

"Remy?" Leah whispered from behind him as he was picking up the shards. Rachel was entertaining herself, rather unaware of what's going on. "Is daddy gonna be mad?"

"I—" He had to stop. And think before answering. "I don't think so, honey."

"But a plate broke…"

"...he doesn't have to know. It was just a plate. He doesn't count the plates in the cupboard, now does he?" She shook her head, her hair flying everywhere. "So he won't know. Because we won't tell him."

"Okay. I can do that."

"I know you can do that, hon. Now, how about you get your roller skates and we'll go to the park?"

"But you said tea party…"

"We can have a tea party after the park. Rachel, do you wanna go to the park?"

Rachel, who up until then mostly minded her own business, looked over and started nodding with a big smile on her face.

"So we can go to the park and then have a tea party. Where's your roller skates?"

—————

Saturday, August 30th, 2003

"It's always nice to see new faces at the queer society meetings," Mandy said with a huge smile on her face as she balanced the clipboard on her knee, Remy holding her iced coffee. "I'm glad you all could make it today. Now, let's do a name round. Everyone state your preferred name - please no dick jokes, we have people who are very uncomfortable with those in this group as well - and what brings you here, and a small fact you'd like people to know about yourself if you'd want to."

Remy just kept looking over the room. Mandy had this all under control, already having printed out a list to put everyone's names and contacts in for if they need to. India trained her well.

From the corner of his eye, Remy could see Emile bouncing in his seat.

"I'll go first. Hi, I'm Amanda, I go by Mandy, I'm pansexual—"

"That's not a real word," someone called out. Remy did his best not to glare at the person.

He was pretty sure it's Chris.

"Pansexual is a word, Christian," Mandy replied, not even looking at him. "It was coined before your grandmother was even born. Anyway, I'm Mandy, I'm pansexual, and I'm in this wheelchair today because I have fibromyalgia and today is a very bad pain day. Who wants to go next?"

It was the same old sharing circle. Some people elaborated more, some people chose not to. Emile went ham on sharing, telling everyone he was gay and asexual and talking about his bunnies at length, looking as proud as he can be.

And then it got to Remy. And he wasn't nearly as anxious as he was last year.

"I'm Remy, I'm gay and transgender, and my therapist said I can start hormone therapy this year."

[transfemmbeatrice]

Where should I start listening to Friends at the Table?

A short novella by me

Friends at the Table is one of the best actual play podcasts out there and you should listen to it because they tell amazing stories with both diverse characters and a diverse cast (the GM is a queer black man and almost everyone at the table is some flavor of queer). They put character development and good storytelling at the forefront while creating incredible and complex worlds to play in. They make you laugh, cry, and laugh so hard you cry (and also give you chills on occasion) and I genuinely cannot recommend them highly enough. Whether you like a good story, characters to fall in love with, learning new ttrpg mechanics, or listening to friends have a good time together, FatT is for you.

FatT also has an enormous backlog that can make it hard to dive in so here is a handy guide for when you want to listen don’t know where tf to begin.

The Friends have provided some resources for this: there is a flowchart that gives you the quick and dirty deets (though it hasn’t been updated to reflect their current season) and also Austin made a 20 minute ep of him explaining the show and stuff and put it at the beginning of the podcast feed which could also be helpful (which I haven’t actually listened to bc they put it out after I was already deep into the show)...but this is my over detailed take.

There are currently 4 seasons of FatT. In order: Autumn in Hieron, Counter/Weight, Marielda/Winter in Hieron, and Twilight Mirage. Marielda is a mini season that takes place in the Hieron universe but before the Hieron seasons; Counterweight and Twilight Mirage are both standalone but do take place in the same universe, tens or hundreds of thousands of years apart. 

Twilight Mirage is approaching its endpoint and will be followed by Spring in Hieron which should be the last Hieron season. There are pros and cons for starting with any of these seasons so depending on your taste and preferences you can take your pick!

(Also, each new season begins with an Episode 00 which is just the friends discussing the setting and pitching characters. It’s not required listening and they’re pretty long so you can skip them if you want but for people like me who live for worldbuilding and behind the scenes, they’re great prefaces to each season!)

Autumn in Hieron: The very beginning! This is where I started because I’m a hardcore chronological completionist. There is definitely something very fun and satisfying about watching them develop over the past 4 years, in confidence and skill and in production quality! They’ve been amazing since the beginning but it only gets better. 

However, because it’s early, the audio quality is not great, so if that’s an issue for you, this probably isn’t your best starting point. Some extremely good shit goes down in this game and I highly recommend listening to it if you can parse the bad audio. Also, starting at episode 5, they split into two smaller groups and the audio improves, so if you want to start here but find the sound unbearable at the start, you can try skipping to here to see if it works better for you! The first few episodes are just a mini quest and it’s definitely fun but not deeply plot relevant so you’ll be fine to skip it. This is also a season potentially worth returning to even if you don’t start here because as I said, it’s good, and the bad audio might be more listenable once you know the players’ voices better. But if you absolutely can’t, no worries! They recap this season at the beginning of Winter in Hieron so if you don’t listen to it you won’t be lost as the story continues!

Hieron is a high fantasy setting in what Austin describes as the post-post-apocalypse. It’s been long enough that they’re past just surviving and have rebuilt tons but it’s still a wild world out there, and no one alive really remembers what apocalyptic event happened, but they all know something bad went down. Over the two (and a half, counting Marielda) seasons they’ve done they have really built out the world. It explores a lot about the concepts of divinity and entropy and so much more. I think Hieron is a great place to start because fantasy is the usual setting for actual play podcasts so it’s a familiar touchstone. And also just, really fucking good.

Counter/Weight: Welcome to SPACE. The second season of FatT is a good starting point because it’s self contained--it’s longer than the Hieron seasons but when you reach the finale, you’ve gotten the whole story. It starts off a little slow as they adjust to a new system and new characters for the first time...but there are some hilarious bits in those first couple of missions that I love. Then they switch systems again to something that fits more what they are doing and things pick up from there. 

The “ground” game (the majority of the episodes with characters going on adventures as usual) is interspersed with the “faction” game--Austin and two other players not in the other half of the game zoom out and use mechanics and roleplaying to decide what the big factions/corporations/etc are doing around the sector, and eventually we see these events trickle down to effect the player characters in the other half of the game. These are a bit slow, especially when they first start, but I recommend listening to them because it’s cool to see how things are moving around on a more macro scale than one little crew of fixers, and it really informs the world they’re operating in. It’s not strictly necessary if you really find these episodes untenable, but you’ll definitely be able to follow along better if you’ve heard them. Also, around the 3rd or so faction game session, they cut down the number of factions significantly so it goes a lot smoother. I’ll also put in here that Counterweight is probably my favorite season of the show at least thus far even though I wasn’t sure I would like it at all when I first started it, for what that’s worth.

Counter/Weight is a cyberpunk/scifi setting somewhere in the Milky Way. It is set less than a decade after a war in which two rival powers united in an uneasy alliance to drive back an Empire. They succeeded, but now things have settled into a good old fashioned cold war. There are lots of robots and mechs and they use the cyberpunk genre to explore labor and capitalism and feeling small and helpless in the face of such massive, powerful corruption. Or, sadness and robots in space. (Also, literally none of the PCs ended up being cishet.)

Marielda: Marielda is a mini season they did right before Winter in Hieron. Set in Hieron before the events of the other seasons, it provides some context to the world. It’s also fucking delightful. This is probably the most recommended starting point for FatT because it’s short, has high production quality, and some of their best work. It really encapsulates what this show is so if you’re unsure if this is the podcast for you, this is a great starting point. 

Since it takes place long before Autumn in Hieron, you don’t need to have listened to it to follow along; but I do find it somewhat helpful because there are callbacks to the events of that season as they show how some of the things they encountered then came to be in the first place. Marielda (and Winter in Hieron) were made with new listeners in mind, so Autumn definitely isn’t required.

Marielda is of course also high fantasy, but it has a tinge of steampunk too because this island has more technology for....reasons that will be revealed as you listen. The only train in Hieron is there, and the crew stages a heist on it, and it’s amazing. Marielda has two parts--the first couple episodes are some of the players playing The Quiet Year, a collaborative mapdrawing game, to build this city. Then the other players played a few missions in Blades in the Dark as scoundrels who steal information to sell to the highest bidder. Their shenanigans are hilarious and occasionally heartbreaking and I’ve relistened to it so many times.

Winter in Hieron: Hieron season two of three! Winter begins with two episodes recapping the events of Autumn in Hieron, so if you skipped Autumn you can listen to them and be good to go, and if you didn’t...you can skip the recaps! (Unless maybe you listened to Counterweight in between and you need a refresher). There are two new PCs in Winter because Andi and Janine joined between Autumn and this season, and they only make Hieron better.

This season is a little heavier than Autumn because it’s Winter and...Winter is usually darker than Autumn. I’m in the middle of relistening to it now, though, and it’s still incredible the second time through and a great starting point. I would not recommend starting with Winter without listening to Marielda first, partly because Marielda is so good, but also because Marielda informs so much of what happens in Winter. 

Since Twilight Mirage is getting close to finishing up (as of writing this, anyway) if being Current In The Fandom is something that’s important to you, I’d start with Hieron (whether that be Autumn or Marielda/Winter). After Twilight Mirage wraps up, they are reportedly planning to return to Hieron for its final season--Spring, so if you start catching up now you can be ready! I don’t know for sure yet but so much has happened at this point that I find it hard to imagine that they’ll do a recap before Spring that lets you jump in there very easily. I could be proven wrong but even if I am....I don’t recommend it. You’ll miss too much Seasons of Hieron is a joy to listen to.

Twilight Mirage: The current season! Usually I say to start here if you find the backlog intimidating--it’s current and you can jump in to what’s happening now and get to the rest when you feel ready. And that’s still somewhat true, but Twilight Mirage has gotten pretty long so it’s potentially still intimidating? And they have said they’re nearing the endgame, but I have no idea if that means weeks or months. But regardless, it’s still less to get through than starting further back, and it is a standalone season so it’s a great starting place!

Twilight Mirage is another game in space. It is set in the same universe as Counterweight, and there are some callbacks to it, but it’s set far in the future from the events of that season and was intentionally made so that people who hadn’t heard Counterweight could listen fine. It’s more like easter eggs than important backstory.

The premise is a dying utopia: a massive fleet that has slowly been whittled down, still home to millions of people, but they’re starting to look for somewhere to hopefully colonize. This game does a great job of questioning what a utopia would look like--what does prison look like in a utopia? how do we treat synthetic beings?--and exploring the themes of self/identity and colonization and so much more. It’s the most philosophical FatT season to date but the narrative is also great and stands on its own--you can engage at whatever level you want. (I, for instance, don’t get a lot of the philosophy referenced, but I’m still deeply enjoying it because it’s a great story and I love all the characters!) So much shit happens to alter the original premise and it’s fascinating to see the characters have to adapt to all these evolving circumstances and question their values as they themselves also change. Also, lots of robots and mechs and aliens and shit. One of the PCs is just a cat person. One of the PCs is a downloadable hitman who is losing their memory every time they die and get downloaded into a new body. It’s A Good Season, they friends are extra af (more than usual, even) and it’s a Delight.

And that’s my answer to the age old question, where do I start listening to Friends at the Table?, answered in more detail than anyone ever wanted. If you have any questions or anything feel free to shoot me an ask or a message, I’m literally always here to talk about FatT!

[superjennysunshine]

Arcane is my favorite piece of Western Animated Media since Avatar: the Last Airbender. Maybe that's enough said for you but if it isn't then here's why in probably too many words.

So in the last seven days I have watched Arcane twice and am in the process of gearing up for a third watch. If you know me even a little bit than you know that I am terrible at watching things. It's not that I have anything against movies or television it's just that I have a short attention span, tend to get distracted and miss things, build up too much energy that needs to be released by doing something more active, massive electric brain need constant physical stimulation type shit. But I've managed to navigate around this problem by watching things with my friends, we tend to have little conversations and joke around while watching things and it makes the process alot easier to go through with for me.

One of the shows we decided to watch last week was Arcane.

Right away, from the ending of the first episode I knew I was in for something special cause I felt a feeling I haven't felt in years, 6-7 long years. That feeling is a little hard to describe so allow me the time to paint a picture.

When I was a teenager I was deep in fandom culture. every show I watched was the greatest show in the world and every single show I consumed had to be greatest show in the world or else it wasn't worth my time. I made pinterest boards, playlists, OC's in all their universes, I was absolutely insatiable. I LOVED western animation too. Shows like Young Justice, Batman the Animated series, AtLA, they were some of the greatest among things I had watched ever at the time. I loved cartoons, I loved voice acting and i remember this ravenous craving for cartoons that weren't just made for kids. I wanted BIG. GIRL. SHIT. from all three of the shows listed above I got a lot of it. All three are few examples of amazing pieces of western animation that while appealing to children offer intelligent storylines, and great characters, facing real and deep problems.

But eventually I grew up and my interests changed. While I still love animation and voice acting I don't feel that burning passion from my teenage years anymore. I'm not really into fandom culture anymore (a good thing that I don't intend to change), my interests more or less lie in video games and things that provoke deep thought and reflection, or sometimes just something chill I can have for a while and then move on from it when I feel like it. Now this isn't a boring or depressing way to consume media. It's the perk of being an adult that you can seek out and identify deeper themes in media and connect to more adult stories. But without even realizing it, I let that passion from my teenage years fade away and while i didn't notice it was gone, I felt it's loss still.

Here is where Arcane comes in. Arcane both satisfies me as an adult who craves for good, intelligent media with themes I can identify with and more specifically, craves for more adult western animation that isn't adult swim comedies that have garbage visual styles. And the teenage me, who looks for vibes, characters she can attach to, a world she wants to play a TTRPG in, something to obsess over, something to unabashedly, uncritically adore. I love Arcane. I love it so much I find it hard to give a critical analysis of it, I love it so much i'm scared to interact with negative opinions about it, I love it so much I started to cry about it, i love it so much that im honestly scared to write this all out cause I think people will think I'm crazy or cringe for feeling THIS hype about it. and who knows I may be but more importantly I'm happy in a way I haven't been in nearly a fucking decade. Lets get in to why.

so first of all the show is absolute fucking gorgeous. It has a very frenetic and bouncy animation style, incredibly stylized characters that are beautifully crafted, gorgeous color all over, and really cool blend of 3D animation and 2D visual effects and backgrounds GODDAMMIT is the show gorgeous.

The show is also voice acted so well. Ella Purnell who Voices Jinx is a standout for the sheer amount of emotional range she can cover in a single scene. She's perfect casting for the character and everyone else does a phenomenal job as well. The characters of any show are the make or break, really. Arcane's got some FUCKING GOOD ONES. The main antagonist, Silco, is among the best in the whole show. He comes off at first as a sly cool villain that never shows his hand and is an emotionless, nefarious actor, but without spoiling, to see what occurs to him across the show is fascinating to me. How he grows beyond that initial perception and how that growth affects him is so interesting. Other Standouts for me Include Jinx (who just makes me so sad all the time) Vi, Vander, even Ekko who isn't in the show for that long (he's fucking hype dude what can I say). The show is also smart. It understands it's being watched by people who can think and understand implication and subtext so the show rarely bothers with giving reasons and story to you through monologue or exposition when it can do it in a quarter of the time through visual storytelling, something that greatly appeals to me as that tends to be a problem that nags the ever loving shit out of me. The shows soundtrack also bangs. Look here I'm gonna say it. I like Enemy a lot. I hate on Imagine Dragons, it's basically something we do as adults but i don't give a fuck. The song makes me happy and hype, it brings me to that teenage part of myself that listens to music and pictures herself in cool fictional situations with it playing behind her and I love it so much for that. I know I've just sorta been GOING on but that's how excited I get. I can't be entirely well written and critical about it. It excites me, its relit that spark in me and it's burning bright. It's become something I can't stop thinking about, it's become something I cannot let go of. It's become something I'm going to absolutely love for many many many years to come. It's become my favorite piece of western animation since Avatar: the Last Airbender. Look, you might not like it like I do right. In fact I don't think anyone I know likes it quite to the level that I do cause seriously this shit is bordering on psychopathy at this point and it's been literally a couple days since I finished it, and that's all fine. Consider me crazy or cringe or weird for feeling SO hype about it, you probably wont but I have anxiety and will think you do anyway. To sum at up I suppose. Arcane both combines intelligent storytelling, compelling, fun, and interesting characters, absolutely beautiful animation and visual design, and top notch voice acting, into a 11/10 show thats short, easily digestible, and great the entire time. It's visual story telling, ever growing chaotic narrative, and the slow bubbling over of it's drama is so fun to watch. It also simultaneously invited the teenager in me, the one who thought misfit was such a cool and compelling word, to come rise all the way back up to the surface and flood me with feelings and hapiness I haven't felt in a long time. I've made a playlist, I've made a pinterest board, I've made an OC, once again I am insatiable, and the true acheivment of the show is that it's managed to do that to me. I don’t wanna go into my entire life story mainly cause my back hurts after writing all of this but to have this piece of myself back and to joyfully reconnect with an earlier part of myself, which is something that I genuinely didn’t think I was capable of doing these days is incredible and so special to me. Of course all of this can be percieved as "Jenny really likes the show a whole lot in a very deep and personal way." but I wanted to write it all out so. Anyway see you guys when Enemy shows up on my Spotify Wrapped.

[kittencaboodleextraordinaire]

“Ok, but I had a Johnny first, and mine is better”: Adventures in Cyberpunk with a snarky headmate

Warning: this post contains considerable discussion of a major plot point in Cyberpunk 2077 which is discussed in the promotional materials (trailers etc) but which is not revealed in-game until after the first segment of the main story (the heist). Those who wish to remain unspoiled may instead view this lovely picture I edited of four raccoons in a trenchcoat (inspired by Critical Role’s playthrough of the absolutely delightful ttrpg Crash Pandas, which I highly encourage everybody in existence to go check out).

This phenomenal piece of art is surely the high point of this post. It can only go downhill from here.

Anyway.

So as we all know, Cyberpunk 2077 was finally released a few days ago to the expected amount of drama and fanfare, and my partner and I have been playing it together, by which I mean he’s been playing and I’ve been providing helpful advice like “We should totally buy the awesome purple car what do you mean you want a motorcycle THE MOTORCYCLE ISN’T PURPLE”. It’s not, y’know, an amazing game, but it’s pretty fun and I have already found multiple characters to ship V with, which I’m sure we can all agree is the truly important thing here. Plus of course there is abundant opportunity to make innuendo at my partner so I am a happy kitten. Mostly. There is one aspect of the story that is proving to be a continual source of awkwardness and general highly disconcerting aura. Namely, Johnny Silverhands.

At some point (I fell asleep for this part so I don’t know exactly what happened), you end up fused with a chip containing the personality of Johnny Silverhands, some kind of sort of famous dude who died a long time ago or something like that. awards self 10/10 stars for that eloquent and informative summary of important plot elements I was totally paying attention to and wasn’t asleep for at all anyway the important thing is there’s a dude hanging out in your brain with you. This is kind of weird and awkward for me, since I also have a dude hanging out in my brain with me. His name is Jonas. Jonas, say hi. J: I’m not a zoo animal and I don’t do tricks, also I reject the idea that this adds to the post in any real way. However you are very lucky because I am bored and complaining at you sounds more fun than going back to sleep. Now I’m tired and it’s 3:30 am go to bed or write the rest of this by your own damn self. That’s basically the same thing I guess.

Jonas is a bit weird. I don’t really have any idea what he is, and it’s not really within the scope of this blog post to discuss it in depth. He is some flavor of alternate personality, he is one of my closest friends, and he is a pain in the ass, much like most of my other friends. Having Jonas around is uncannily like V’s experience sharing their brain with Johnny Silverhands. Now I have a few other friends who have multiple personalities, one of whom is watching playthroughs of Cyberpunk and has appropriately described the experience as “pretty fucky”, which about sums it up. However it’s made even worse for me personally by the sheer number of similarities between Jonas and Johnny and their interactions with the people they share heads with, for (the most obvious) example, their names are really fucking similar. Jonas has matured a lot since he started appearing about 6-7 years ago but Johnny’s snark, unhelpfulness, complete disinterest in being nice, and even his body language all scream of Jonas’s original behavior, which, let’s be honest here, he still does all that anyway, he’s just nicer about it because he likes me. When Jonas and I talk, we tend to picture him as standing (or sitting or leaning against the wall or whatever) somewhere in the room with me, much as Johnny appears to V. He’s not active all the time and until very very recently was almost never “in charge”, so to speak, much like Johnny. So what we have here is somebody who acts a fuck of a lot like Jonas, has a similar name to Jonas, and interacts with their host in a manner that is almost a perfect match to how Jonas interacts with me. Somehow all of this went over my head. Then something even more uncanny happened.

Now, Jonas was originally an extremely minor character in a vast series of stories that I have made up in my head and never actually written down. He somehow evolved, without any conscious effort on my part, from a bit character who was never meant to do anything besides show up, get scolded by the authorities, and leave, to an increasingly major character, to living in my brain with me. Consequently, while he generally shares my tastes and preferences in terms of food and etc etc etc, there is an extremely major way in which we diverge: Jonas, like Johnny, and unlike me, smokes. All the time. It is Very Important to him. As such, the fact that I do not smoke and have exactly negative one billion interest in ever doing so is a source of intense frustration to him. We have had m a n y arguments about this. He knows not to push it too much and respects that it is my decision but that is not about to stop him from complaining about it loudly and with great passion. So when we encountered a scene of V and Johnny having the exact same fucking argument, ending with the incredibly blatantly Jonasesque lamentation from Johnny “Nonsmokers are the fucking worst”, it was like getting hit in the head with a brick. Actually forget the brick, it was like being hit with an entire building, and then having Jonas stick his head out the window and go “Missed me? ;)”, and then yelling back “WELL IDK BUT MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU’RE PILOTING AN ENTIRE FUCKING BUILDING IF YOU COULD TRY A LITTLE HARDER TO MISS ME THAT’D BE REALLY NICE THANKS” and then having him wink at me and assure me that head trauma builds character. It fucking doesn’t and he knows it.

After that, it was impossible to not see Jonas every time Johnny came onscreen. I still enjoy the game a lot. The setting and story are both really really cool and the loot is A+, and I really love being able to hang out in voice chat with my partner, who currently lives pretty far away, and do something fun together and experience something new. But having my relationship with Jonas, which I still have a lot of conflicting feelings about no matter how much I genuinely believe he’s a positive force in my life, reflected back at me at every turn, is bizarre, surreal, and a constant reminder of issues that have been nagging at me for a while, many of which are explicitly being brought up by the game itself. Last night we were doing a mission where V and Johnny at some point start talking and V mentions how they seem to be getting along better and Johnny suggests that maybe it’s because he’s rubbing off on V. V responds with something to the effect of “Am I becoming more like you, or are you becoming more like me?”. Jonas and I have been asking ourselves the same question for years. The only answer we were ever able to come up with is “probably both”, but the question of how much and to what extent, and if you start blending together with somebody else that much, are you really the same person anymore, and on down the rabbit hole we go, can really eat at you if you’re the kind of person who cares about that sort of thing. Which I guess we both are. And frankly we are probably not even half done with the main storyline and I doubt it’s going to stop posing these questions. 

J: so I said I wasn’t going to have any more of this and went off in a huff but actually I changed my mind I have some stuff to say. 

this is obviously weird for kitsie, and I guess it might be obviously weird for me too but it’s weird in an entirely different kinda way. it’s certainly surreal, and a lot of the questions it keeps bringing up are a lot to think about. Johnny is a program on a computer chip designed to be a copy of the original Johnny’s brain. this raises the question, and this may or may not be addressed later, how real is he? and is he the original Johnny, just on a computer chip now, or is he a different entity who happens to be identical to Johnny? and how is a person on a computer chip embedded on somebody’s brain really different from a person who’s a subroutine in somebody else’s brain? am I real? am I a part of Kitsie that just thinks differently for some reason? are we two facets of a whole being that’s kind of both of us and kind of neither of us? am I just a hitchhiker? I really don’t know. I have a lot of memories and backstory. things I did in the past, before I knew Kitsie. are those memories real? they feel real to me but on the other hand they didn’t actually happen. are Johnny’s memories real? they did happen but he’s a brain scan so did they actually happen to him? it’s a lot to think about, but hard to stop thinking.

and then there’s the other concern, which is that this is a game for kitsie to enjoy with her partner, and whenever this shit happens it wakes me up and I end up feeling really weird, like I’m intruding. which I am.  and as wonderful and understanding as he is, I’m still very much something he is getting used to and having problems adjusting to and I really understand because fuck I’m having a problem adjusting to me too. and maybe it’s stupid but I feel bad for being the disconcerting aura of uncomfortable thoughts wafting through something that’s supposed to be a pleasant and fun evening without me in it. which frankly sums up my entire existence. fuck this I’m tired I’m out of here again go tf to sleep kit.

I had more to say but “what he said” pretty much sums it up.

In conclusion, I don’t really have any objection to the story itself. It’s an interesting concept carried out fairly well that under normal circumstances I would think was really cool, and certainly it’s been a unique experience anyway. And I guess if anything the fact that it’s so unnervingly on the nose is a sign they did a good job? I’m still having a huge amount of fun with the game and the massive backlog of sidequests combined with our minimal ability to focus means that the main quest only takes up a small portion of our playtime in any case. I just needed to get all this shit off my chest.

This has been tonight’s episode of the Kitty Rambles Podcast, I am too tired to think of any good way to end this so goodnight and thank you for tuning in!