#rdshepardwriting

[deckyshep]

when other people are manic, they go out and have fun or drink or whatever. but when im manic, i publish poetry books

you can buy your paperback copy here!!!

[deckyshep]

fractured, 2 jan 2024

poem by @deckyshep

[text of poem under the cut]

it is beyond me to know who lives in this brain

i have tried countless times to commune with

the dead, only to find that i am not dead

who am i? it should be an easy answer

but it has never been simple enough

i am an amalgam of everyone i have ever been

everyone i have ever met

everyone i have ever tried to be

and everyone who has died beside me

a party of personalities

but more somber, like a wake

💀

there is a young girl here, who sings quietly

to her stuffed animals and plays with her dolls

she is easily spooked, do not raise your voice

keep your distance, she trusts too easily

remind her she is good and true but

she must use her own voice

💀

there is a teenage girl here, maybe seventeen

who paints her face in wild colors and has chopped

her hair short. she is quiet, but inside her is a

deep, pulsing rage — do not raise your voice

or she will throw it back at you threefold

remind her that she is not her emotions, that

she is not her father

💀

there is a young man here, twenty or so

he writes like there is no tomorrow, a hundred

pages a day. he is impulsive, he is scared

he clings to what is familiar. do not raise your

voice — he is a child at heart and begs for love

remind him what he is worth, what he is capable

of, and what he deserves, before he sinks

—r.d.s.

[deckyshep]

people pleaser, 10 jan 2024

[deckyshep]

my love is sacred

written 10 april 2022

my love is sacred,

but then again,

there is no love

that isn't.

my love contains

endless energy,

bursting with

anecdotes of excitement

and passion

and exploration

for my boundless

want to know you.

☀️

it surpasses

my intense insecurities,

the anxieties that

plague my mind—

because when i

hold your hands,

your warmth simply

banishes them.

my love is sacred—

it can withstand

panic, and rage,

and melancholy,

and jealousy,

and many a vice

that infects

the human condition.

☀️

and when i die,

i'd like to think

these words i write

will survive somewhere,

proving that

my love can even

live beyond me.

my love is sacred,

because energy is

not created nor destroyed—

it's merely transferred,

and one day,

centuries from now,

my love will still live on

in the life of another.

☀️

perhaps my love

will power

a generator

to keep a family warm.

perhaps my love

will thrive through

a computer's circuits

as a quiet author

types a love story.

perhaps my love

will join burning stars

or be swallowed

into black holes

or even rocket humans

across the galaxy.

the power my love has

is infinite.

☀️

know that

as i place a gentle kiss

upon your neck,

as i slide my fingers

through your hair,

as i whisper the words

"i love you,"

my love is sacred.

—r.d.s.

[deckyshep]

dead end, by r.d.s.

written 29 october 2022

more poetry here

[deckyshep]

crisis — original poem

written 16 october 2022 by r.d. shepard

[deckyshep]

just in case / 20 december 2022

[links]

[deckyshep]

ode to HRT

original poem

written 26 november 2022

[links]

[deckyshep]

BOY CRAZY BOY: A Queer Poetry Collection (written by me, R.D. Shepard) is now available on Amazon Kindle!

please support my career as a writer & poet by buying it here!

[deckyshep]

both the e-book and paperback versions of my poetry book, BOY CRAZY BOY: A Queer Poetry Collection, are now available for purchase!!!!!!

[deckyshep]

cold snap / 20 december 2022

[links]

[deckyshep]

too much, never enough

poem by @deckyshep

[links]

[deckyshep]

roots

written 23 october 2022

notes: i have a lot of complicated feelings towards my parents. my dad was a wonderful man until he started getting sick around 2009, after which he verbally abusive up until he passed in 2014. my mom was extremely controlling (we joke nowadays that she was quite a "smother"), but moreso caused by severe anxiety/used as her own way to protect me from my dad's anger at the time. my relationship with my mother is finally repaired after years of therapy and reconciliation, but i'm still kind of dealing with my feelings about my dad.

[deckyshep]

automaton

written 22 april 2022

i am a robot

with rusty joints

and a dusty display.

i am a robot

whose first tasks

were crash tests,

and though i survived,

they decided to continue

with a newer model.

i don't think they thought

i would survive,

but i did.

every morning, when my

sleep mode is turned off,

it takes me a few tries

to initiate start-up.

even when i am

fully activated,

my motor controls

take a few hours to calibrate

to the tasks of the day.

i am not supposed

to feel pain,

but my joints

haven't been oiled

in about 7 years—

where does a robot

get oil for itself

when its creator has

cast it out?

i am not supposed to

stutter, or forget words,

but that's because

my communication matrix

needs a software update.

sometimes, it shorts out,

and i can only give

pre-programmed replies.

if i could get a

proper cleaning, a

hardware replacement or two,

even just some WD40

in my knees,

i think i'd perform better.

but for now,

i'll initiate sleep mode,

and hope one day

someone will care enough

to help me function

as intended.

—r.d.s.

[deckyshep]

fear of death

written 21 april 2022

i fear death more than

heaven or hell.

once i can accept that i'm dead,

i'm sure i'll get the concepts

of an afterlife

pretty well.

but i don't want to die.

whether i'm going out

in a blaze of glory

or passing peacefully

in my sleep,

i don't want it.

there's too much

to do,

to feel,

to say,

to love,

and at this point,

you could say

i'm addicted

to life.

if i died,

i wouldn't be able to

feel the crisp raindrops

of a humid summer storm

on my face.

i wouldn't be able to

taste my favorite pie,

the sugary strawberry

and the tart rhubarb

blessing my taste buds

i wouldn't be able to

kiss my lover's lips,

hearing his thumping heart

pound against his chest

and mine

as we hold each other closely.

i can't give up those things.

i won't,

because i want to live.

—r.d.s.

[deckyshep]

survival of the fittest written 13 august 2022 [links]

i hate you and i hope you lose

all fucking hope of being alive—

but i’m really just saying that to

get you off my mind

because if i say it enough,

maybe i’ll Pavlov myself

into associating you with

hatred,

and i won’t automatically

smile if i see your face

again.

because the truth is,

you were my best friend.

and i hope your life is

getting easier than it was

but i’m still so angry

you stepped on me

to reach it.

you were my confidant—

there wasn’t a single ounce

of judgement between us

because we knew almost

everything

about who we were,

where we’d been,

what had happened to us.

and i get it.

we weren’t doing well.

money was tight,

anxiety was high.

an animal that gets cornered

will fight its way out.

but i was already dying

with my leg in the bear trap,

bleeding out and

begging you to help me,

and you ran instead,

slashing at my face with

raging claws as you

made your escape

out the door.

eventually,

someone found me,

cleaned me up,

bandaged my mangled leg,

helped me back to my feet.

but i still walk with a limp.

and i can still

feel the sting

on my face

from your

desperation for an escape.

despite all the pain you caused,

i’m glad you made it out.

i hope i can, some day.

if i don’t,

i guess it’s just

evolution

working as intended.

—r.d.s.