#rdshepardwriting

[deckyshep]

just in case / 20 december 2022

[links]

[deckyshep]

ode to HRT

original poem

written 26 november 2022

[links]

[deckyshep]

GAME OVER: A Trauma-Filled Poetry Collection is my trauma baby. i've got poems in this collection from as early as my first few weeks of transition, nearly four years ago. mental illness isn't a joke, but we can find some joy in the pain we feel. writing has been my solace through the years, expressing pain and discomfort and agony and anger and sadness and everything else that wrecks my shop. these poems have followed me everywhere, been through a lot of the bullshit that destroyed and rebuilt me — and i hope it can do the same for you.

find the ebook & (eventually) paperback here!

[deckyshep]

cold snap / 20 december 2022

[links]

[deckyshep]

happy 46th birthday

original poem, written 2 september 2022

“dad:

just a reminder…

my love

goes everywhere

you go!”

🌀

you kept that card

in your wallet

with my black

straight bangs

and

my beaming

seven-year-old

toothy smile.

🌀

did that kid’s face flash

before your eyes

when you died with a

tube down your throat

and an ICU full of

a hundred people

begging you

to hold on?

🌀

i know you wanted

to go to heaven.

did my love

follow you there?

did the almighty lord

see my love trailing

just behind you,

trying to keep up?

did he let my love

pass through the

pearly gates

at your side

as your soul

walked out of

the mortal plane

and into heaven?

do you still have

my love in your wallet?

and do you still open

it occasionally to

remind yourself

that my love is there?

🌀

we’re taught that heaven

is the epitome of

love and joy

in the embrace of

god himself.

but that single embrace

must get lonely,

right?

yes, you have the lord’s love.

but what about your wife’s love?

what about your son’s love?

what about your siblings’ love?

because everyone’s love

is different,

but it’s always love.

and sometimes you need

a specific kind of love—

the kind that only

a big brute of a dad

can give with his

incredible bear hugs,

the kind that i can

barely remember

but still cry about

eight years later.

—r.d.s.

[deckyshep]

too much, never enough

poem by @deckyshep

[links]

[deckyshep]

heavy expectations written 20 september 2022 by r.d. shepard

[deckyshep]

my love is sacred

written 10 april 2022

my love is sacred,

but then again,

there is no love

that isn't.

my love contains

endless energy,

bursting with

anecdotes of excitement

and passion

and exploration

for my boundless

want to know you.

☀️

it surpasses

my intense insecurities,

the anxieties that

plague my mind—

because when i

hold your hands,

your warmth simply

banishes them.

my love is sacred—

it can withstand

panic, and rage,

and melancholy,

and jealousy,

and many a vice

that infects

the human condition.

☀️

and when i die,

i'd like to think

these words i write

will survive somewhere,

proving that

my love can even

live beyond me.

my love is sacred,

because energy is

not created nor destroyed—

it's merely transferred,

and one day,

centuries from now,

my love will still live on

in the life of another.

☀️

perhaps my love

will power

a generator

to keep a family warm.

perhaps my love

will thrive through

a computer's circuits

as a quiet author

types a love story.

perhaps my love

will join burning stars

or be swallowed

into black holes

or even rocket humans

across the galaxy.

the power my love has

is infinite.

☀️

know that

as i place a gentle kiss

upon your neck,

as i slide my fingers

through your hair,

as i whisper the words

"i love you,"

my love is sacred.

—r.d.s.

[deckyshep]

[more poetry here]

[deckyshep]

dead end, by r.d.s.

written 29 october 2022

more poetry here

[deckyshep]

crisis — original poem

written 16 october 2022 by r.d. shepard

[deckyshep]

BOY CRAZY BOY: A Queer Poetry Collection (written by me, R.D. Shepard) is now available on Amazon Kindle!

please support my career as a writer & poet by buying it here!

[deckyshep]

both the e-book and paperback versions of my poetry book, BOY CRAZY BOY: A Queer Poetry Collection, are now available for purchase!!!!!!

[deckyshep]

clean and safe

written 5 october 2022

by r.d.s.

[deckyshep]

roots

written 23 october 2022

notes: i have a lot of complicated feelings towards my parents. my dad was a wonderful man until he started getting sick around 2009, after which he verbally abusive up until he passed in 2014. my mom was extremely controlling (we joke nowadays that she was quite a "smother"), but moreso caused by severe anxiety/used as her own way to protect me from my dad's anger at the time. my relationship with my mother is finally repaired after years of therapy and reconciliation, but i'm still kind of dealing with my feelings about my dad.

[deckyshep]

automaton

written 22 april 2022

i am a robot

with rusty joints

and a dusty display.

i am a robot

whose first tasks

were crash tests,

and though i survived,

they decided to continue

with a newer model.

i don't think they thought

i would survive,

but i did.

every morning, when my

sleep mode is turned off,

it takes me a few tries

to initiate start-up.

even when i am

fully activated,

my motor controls

take a few hours to calibrate

to the tasks of the day.

i am not supposed

to feel pain,

but my joints

haven't been oiled

in about 7 years—

where does a robot

get oil for itself

when its creator has

cast it out?

i am not supposed to

stutter, or forget words,

but that's because

my communication matrix

needs a software update.

sometimes, it shorts out,

and i can only give

pre-programmed replies.

if i could get a

proper cleaning, a

hardware replacement or two,

even just some WD40

in my knees,

i think i'd perform better.

but for now,

i'll initiate sleep mode,

and hope one day

someone will care enough

to help me function

as intended.

—r.d.s.