#also wanna shower but i cant make myself go do it :/

[elliespassagerprincess]

okokokok but what abt ellie taking care of long-kinda curly hair! reader? like, reader also wants her to help, specially when washing it, cumbing and use dryer

this' me btw if u even care

Wash day - (ellie williams x reader)

Hi poookieeee!! As someone with very curly hair this was needed, i hope you enjoy <33 also hello kitty??? my favorite type of kitty tbh

Pairing: ellie x fem!reader

requests are open! send me your silly thoughts

warnings: none

Summary: in which she helps you with your hair

authors note: ugh i found out that ill only know if i got into uni in November, i'm going insane

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Ellie watched as you walked all over your shared apartment.

You walked from room to room grabbing different bottles of things she wasn't sure of. She heard you mumbling as you continued to grab towels and more bottles.

Ellie got up and she gently grabbed your wrist "baby slow down"

you looked at her with a small smile

"i cant slow down now, i need to start so i have enough time to finish"

Ellie raised an eyebrow "to finish what?"

"Its wash hair day"

She looked at the bottles to see hair products and other items. You removed yourself from Ellie's gentle grip before taking all the products into your arms.

"i would love to stand and watch you stare at all my stuff but i really want to start with my hair"

In all the months that the two of you have been together Ellie has never seen you do your hair. You would go into the bathroom and you'd come out with your natural curls after a few hours.

Ellie loved when you wore your hair naturally, but she also knew how much work it takes to maintain your hair.

"I want to help you"

You looked at her, jaw slightly ajar.

None of your partners has ever offered to help, they actually always had a problem with how long it took you to finish. But Ellie always told you to take your time, she bought whatever you needed, she was different.

It was the bare minimum but because no one has ever done this, you were taken back by this gesture.

god you really loved this girl

"Yeah" you quickly cleared your throat.

Ellie followed you to the bathroom and you quickly gave her a rundown of everything that needed to happen.

Wash, products, style, dry

It sounded simple to Ellie but when she saw everything you had set up, she knew that would be a long process.

Ellie sat on the edge of the tub as you went onto your knees, a smirk appeared on her face.

"oh so we're doing something else?"

you rolled your eyes "ew no. You're washing my hair"

Ellie chuckled as you rolled your eyes.

You shuffled closer to the tub and you leaned forward, so that just your hair was in the tub.

Ellie grabbed the shower head and she brought it to your head. As the water droplets fell onto your hair, it immediately curled even more than it already was.

After a few minutes you instructed Ellie to put a hair mask on. She gently squeezed the thick mixture onto her hand and she applied it to your scalp.

You almost moaned at how good she was massaging you. She had very skilled fingers so she knew what she was going.

"Just like that els" you sighed she chuckled.

"You normally say that to me when-"

"no"

Ellie let out a laugh before rinsing your hair.

She followed all the instructions you gave her when it came to applying shampoo, conditioner, she even checked the temperature of the water, like you told her.

After everything you got up and you gently wrapped your hair in a towel.

You kissed her forehead "thank you els"

You started to make your way to the bedroom.

"Where are you going?" she asked

"To finish my hair"

"i wanna come"

"then come"

She happily followed you to the room and she watched you from the edge of the bed.

"When can i help?"

"Let me do this part myself ok? You can help me dry it"

Ellie nodded watching you intently.

She watched you apply more product to your hair. You applied curl cream, some weird clear gel Ellie has never heard of, you even applied different oils.

Holy shit is it really this complicated to have curly hair?

"Come on Ellie" you suddenly called.

You scrunched your hair a little and you gave her a hairdryer.

You showed her exactly how to do it. She grabbed the dryer and she started from top to the bottom, just like you showed her.

You smiled as you looked at her in the mirror, she has a focused look on her face, her tongue slightly sticking out.

After 20 minutes she was done and she took a step back admiring her work.

You got up and turned to her and she gave you a smile.

"you look pretty"

"thank you baby"

You walked towards her and you gave her a kiss on the cheek. Ellie pulled out her phone and she grabbed your hand

"lets take pictures"

"why?"

"i want to remember the day i did your hair"

"Aren't you tired if my hair yet?"

"i love your hair"

<3

[hippopotamusdreamer]

Office Fuss

genre. small hint of [A] ?, [M] SMUT, [F] at the end, [AU]

warnings. established relationship, swearing, SMUUUUUTT, 18+ MDNI, unprotected sex (p in v), semi-public sex (?), slight breath play, marking, groping, fingering (f rec), biting, spanking, praise, dirty talk, breeding kink, creampie, edging, thigh riding, brief nipple play, begging, hair pulling, Pet names (in no particular order): babe, baby, babygirl, sweetheart, needy girl, good girl, pretty, sweet girl

additional notes. Female! Reader | You/Your pronouns, a few other idols make a brief appearance, I.N as Jeongin and Lee Know as Minho in one part, use of Christopher, this was proof read once so good luck LOL MDNI warning a couple times cause you cant be too safe ya know

pairing. CEO!Bang Chan X reader

w.c. 5.7K

synopsis. You're working, so what does your boyfriend want???

Kpop Masterlist

Fandom Masterlist

You were roused from your sleep by a familiar feeling. Plush lips pressed against your face repeatedly. The familiar heehee of your boyfriend when he caught you trying to hide your smile from him like music to your ears.

“Channie,” you breathed in as you stretched in bed.

“Good morning,” he said into the crook of your neck, leaving a final kiss there.

He pulled back a bit to look at you, the both of you lying in serene silence. You brought your hand up to tangle in the mess of his curls, still a mess from last night’s escapades. Reaching for your hand, he brought it down and placed a tender kiss to your palm.

“Do we really have to go in to work today?” you whined.

He grinned brightly at your reluctance.

“As much as I want you all to myself, we have to. I have a couple meetings scheduled and then I have to draw up an expense report for last week’s business trip.”

“Oh, poor you~,” you teased him.

You yelped out in surprise when his arms suddenly wrapped around you, bringing you closer only to laugh out loud as he began to blow raspberries into your skin.

“Quit! Chan, you’re getting your slobber all over me!” you wriggled about, trying to get out of his hold but it was no use. His steel grip on you did not loosen.

Both of your alarms chose then to go off, the two of you groaning at the electrical intrusion. Pulling apart, you sat up in bed as Chan went to turn off the offending noise. You watch him silently as he maneuvers around your apartment as if he lived there. He stayed over so many times though, he might as well have. And vice versa with you staying at his apartment, even his doorman no longer had to call him up to make sure you were allowed in.

It had a been a reoccurring conversation between the both of you, moving in together. It was a big step in your relationship. You were hesitant but not because of how Chan was. Lord knows he was one of the better relationships you’ve ever had. No, the issue was your landlord having a problem with you leaving your contract early, but you finally managed to come to an agreement this past week.

All that was left was to tell Chan the good news.

You were brought out of your thoughts when Chan released the breath he was holding while stretching.

“There’s also going to be “surprise” inspection in your department after lunch today,” he said, using quotation marks with one hand while pulling up his jeans over his toned legs with the other. It made you snort until his words sank in causing your brows to furrow.

“Inspection? In the graphic design team? Why?”

“I don’t know, I think the CEO just wants to check that his workers are being productive down there.” He said with a smirk.

Matching his smirk with a sarcastic one, you met him as he bent down with a giggle to give you a kiss. Before either of you could get into it any further, his watch beeped on your dresser.

“Ok, I really have to go now if I wanna shower at home.” He said with a hint of sadness that you hadn’t picked up on. “I’ll see you at the office babe, I love you.”

Pulling away, Chan slipped on his shirt from last night but not until after giving you three more kisses goodbye.

“Bye, love you!” You called after him.

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

“Hey Y/N, how was your weekend? Did you do anything fun?” your desk mate, Jeon Jungkook, asked as he sat down next to you.

“Nope, nothing exciting. Binge watched yet another murder documentary,” you replied while not looking away from your screen. Though you could already tell he had a disgusted look on his face.

“I don’t understand how you can watch those back to back,” he said wrinkling his nose, all you could do was laugh at his reaction.

It was a secret, your relationship with a certain Bang Chan, current CEO of SKZ Enterprises. If word got around that he was seeing an employee who knows what that would do to your position at the company and they dynamic with everyone you worked with.

The two of you had met during a wild outing one random Saturday night a couple years ago. He was actually doing a body shot off of your friend when your eyes met. And he did not take his off you for the rest of the night. You thought he was the hottest guy in that club at that moment. Had you eye fucking the shit out of him on that bar top as you tried to control yourself.

You blamed your period tracker for saying your ovulation was at its peak that night.

Next thing you knew, you were practically devouring each other in the bathroom stall. Which led to you taking him home and him taking you out for breakfast the morning after. It wasn’t until a building wide assembly where Chan had to give a speech roughly four months into your situationship that either of you found out about the other’s career. Before that you’d only given each other a vague idea of what you each did for a living, so it was pretty surprising for both parties.

You then had a mildly awkward sit down with after that and had a heart to heart. You two tried to break it off leading to roughly a month apart. Emphasis on rough. It was ultimately for nothing since it all came crashing down when Chan showed up to your apartment soaking wet from the pouring rain and another heated night was spent together. From there you both confessed your actual feelings for each other and then promised to keep it hush hush while in the office.

“Y/N-ah,” a voice called behind you, pulling you from your thoughts for the second time that day. Turning around in your chair, you saw your department head, Hwang Hyunjin waving you over.

Heading over to meet him, you could see the way his hands were fidgeting and how his teeth basically mutilated his bottom lip. Raising an eyebrow at his behavior you asked him, “What’s up boss?”

“How are you coming along with the AT.EEZ files?” he asked.

“Oh, I’m almost done. I just have to refine some of the lines and then add the watermark. But it should be good to go before lunch. Why? Everything ok, you don’t look good.”

“That’s great. Wait, I don’t? No, I’m fine. I’m ok. I just got an email from MY team lead…”

He trailed off but you had worked with him long enough to know that he just wanted you to ask about it. If he wasn’t a brilliant artist, you were sure he would have made it big in the world of drama.

“…And what was in the email?” You mustered faux concern, already having an idea on what it contained.

“I can’t tell you,” You waited a beat before he continued. “Ok but you can’t tell anyone yet. I just got word that the head of the company is going to come down here today.”

“Whaaaat,” you blinked more than usual, trying to appear shocked by the news. Bringing your hand up to cover your mouth, you tried your best to shield your smile as much as possible. “What time is he supposed to come down here?”

“After lunch. So are you absolutely positive that you can be done with the files by then? They’re one of our top clients, we can’t let the higher ups have any reason to be breathing down our necks about them.” The wrinkles he gave himself was enough for you to not tease him anymore.

“Yes, I’m sure. You can count on me Hyunjin,” you promised while giving him a little salute. You could see him visibly deflate in relief.

“Ok, ok good. We’ll present your stuff in the meeting room first then. Seulgi, JK, how are the RKIVE drafts?” he questioned, moving past you towards your other co-workers.

With a final nod to yourself, you made your way back to your seat and continued working.

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

You worked well until it was time for lunch yet just as you promised, you finished what you needed to. JK wanted to wait for you to go to lunch but you told him to go ahead knowing full well that Jeongin from Accounting would come and find you to go down together.

And just like clockwork, “ Hey Ugly, let’s go.”

“I’m coming Stupid,” was your automatic response.

Your relationship with Yang Jeongin was what people would consider siblings. But if they were the type of siblings that were born too close together and would constantly get on each other’s nerves. Even though you were older than him by a few years, he was able to bring out that twin energy out of you.

The two of you made it downstairs meeting your co-workers Soobin and Beomgyu along the way. Both happy to see you. With them working on the other side of the building, it was nice when you could meet up with them like this.

You thought you had caught a brief glance of your boyfriend but before you could double check, Beomgyu grabbed onto your arm telling you to hurry up, pulling you along with him.

Now, you were sat in the communal cafeteria. In the process of fighting off Jeongin’s chopsticks, which were trying to steal the last piece of meat off your tray, when Soobin distracted you.

“Did you hear that the CEO is going around some of the departments today?”

You looked at Soobin and subsequently lost your last bit of food. Frowning at the brunette, he just continued to chew with a smile much to your dismay. Beomgyu only laughed hysterically, clapping in delight at the scene before him.

“Yeah, I heard about it. Hyunjin was super worried.”

“Heard he’s looking for people to fire,” Jeongin inputted after swallowing your stolen treat.

“He is not,” you said incredulously.

“It could be true! I work in Accounting.”

The three of you just silently stared at him before you reached up to flick him on the forehead. He cried out in pain as he reached for the spot you hit.

“Aht!”

“What the hell does that have to do with anything Stupid?”

“It means,” he quickly got up from his seat startling everyone at the small table. “Shut up, that’s what.” He ended up flicking your forehead back before taking off to the trash cans near the entrance.

“Hey!” you cried after him.

“Mr. Yang, how many times do I have to tell you, no running!” Minho, the Director of Accounting, yelled after his subordinate.

The lunch shenanigans died down quickly with Jeongin’s departure. You, Soobin and Beomgyu conspiring as to the real reason why the head of the company would be checking around the departments. With neither of you coming up with any viable ideas, you had parted at the elevators to return to your respected floors.

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

You were currently sat in Conference Room #3 waiting to get the presentation over with. The rest of your small department slowly trickling in. You were next to JK, him raving about what the meeting could be about.

“I’m just saying he could have given us a warning!” His head plastered to the table in front of him. Hands making a mess of his already shaggy hair.

“Then it wouldn’t have been a surprise visit now would it,” you replied immediately to his behavior.

“I’m just saying!” He swiftly lifted his head, you leaning back in your seat to not get hit with the larger man’s limbs.

“Sorry noona,” he said while patting your head.

You waved him off, already used to his antics. Crossing your arms and closing your eyes, you leaned back in your chair, an afternoon nap sounded amazing right about now.

“Like who does he think he is! Making everyone freak out at the last minute, a good boss wouldn’t do that. Don’t you think so noona?” He went quiet, probably waiting for you to respond.

“Oh yeah, can’t stand working for that guy. Hate him sooo much,” you said halfheartedly.

You felt a presence loom over you. So when you didn’t hear a peep from the younger man, you cracked open one of your eyes and came face to face with your boyfriend. Shocked, you almost fell from your chair had Chan not immediately supported you in your seat.

“Cha-Chr-Mr.,” you stuttered.

He was close enough that you were able to see the tick in his jaw.

Oh he was pissed.

“Miss. Y/L/N, follow me,” he got out, voice hard yet face unreadable as he turned back to the door. He paid no mind to the other people in the room.

“But the presentation…,” you uttered weakly.

“Now,” he hadn’t waited for you as he left. Stumbling after him, you caught a glimpse of JK’s worried face.

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

You followed Chan as he went to his designated elevator. Being the CEO of the company had its privileges after all. Various workers looking at you in concern as you trailed after the head of the company.

The entire ride up was silent, you weren’t sure if you were supposed say anything or not. And since he wasn’t saying anything, you just followed along. He continued to lead you down to his office once the two of your reached the top floor. His assistant barely casting a glance in either of your directions.

“Han, cancel all my meetings for the rest of the afternoon.”

Han didn’t say anything, just gave a grunt of acknowledgement as he typed away at the computer before him, doing as his boss asked.

As the door shut behind you tried to explain yourself, “Chan, I—”

You didn’t get much out before you were swiftly pinned against the door, Chan’s hand wrapping around your throat. His fingers dug into the soft flesh there, applying pressure as he squeezed, your heart skipping a beat at the very familiar action. Though his grip wasn’t tight enough to cut off your air supply, it was enough to get your insides going fuzzy. He trailed his nose along your chin and up to your ear as he nipped at the soft flesh. His other hand firmly attached to your hip, massaging circles with his thumb since your button-up shifted.

“You hate working for me, baby? Baby, baby, baby…,” his voice gravely and dangerous as he moved his leg in between yours.

“Chan, w-what are you doing, we’re at work,” your eyes fluttered as you tried to move away from his teeth but another squeeze against the sides of your throat stopped you. Instead a quiet sigh fell from your lips as you brought your own hands up to grab at his shirt. Whether to stop him or bring him in closer, you weren’t sure yet.

“I’m not a jealous man Y/N-ah, but twice today I saw other guys have their hands on you.”

“No, they didn’t—”

“You gonna try to lie to me baby?” He questioned with another slight squeeze. You tried not to give him the satisfaction of showing what he was really doing to you. Biting your lip to keep your cool, you took a deep breath.

Then he leant down and bit onto the space between your neck and shoulder gently but firmly, and you were a goner.

“Chan,” you whimpered out as you began to rock gently against his thigh. The hand that had been massaging your hip now guided you back and forth. Heat pooling in your core at the motion. Your mouth opening and closing, wanting a kiss from him. “What if Han hears us?”

“Don’t think you can keep quiet babygirl?” He asked while pulling back from you slightly.

You shook your head no, trying not to pant. “Want a kiss Chan, please?”

“What manners my needy girl has,” he said while giving you a quick peck. The grin on his face was evidence that he knew that wasn’t what you had in mind and he knew it. “Don’t worry, the room’s soundproof. You can be as loud as you want.”

In one motion he had you grinding in a particularly rough fashion and you could feel yourself coming closer to the edge. You could no longer hide your panting from the man.

“S’that feel good baby?” He questioned in your ear.

“Uh huh,” you managed to get out quietly, basically white knuckling his shirt in your fists to bring him closer. “So good baby.”

Then he pulled away and you were left dazed and crying out in confusion. Almost toppling over unsteadily by the door as he made his way to his desk. You shook your head to clear the haze of lust that had made its appearance.

“What the fuck, Chan?”

“Come here baby,” he said leisurely while patting his lap after sitting.

You focused on him as he sat back in his plush desk chair, spreading out and making the space his own. His suit jacket and tie had been discarded on the couch in the room. The sleeves of his white button down were now rolled up and the top couple buttons were now undone leaving his chest and collar bone exposed. His hair tousled from how many times he ran his hands through it the entire day.

On shaky legs, you made your way over.

Swallowing thickly, and with a now slightly clearer head, you understood what was about to go down. You just had to be sure, once more, if it was ok as you took the hand that reached out for you. “Are you sure we should be doing this here?”

He didn’t say anything as he guided you to straddle his lap. His eyes darkened as he looked up at you, gently pushing a strand of hair behind your ear.

“We shouldn’t, but fuck if it isn’t tempting,” he gets out with a smirk.

Before you could protest further, he brought you down for a searing kiss. More teeth and tongue than anything. A degrading moan coming from who knows who.

“Wanna take your shirt off for me pretty?” He asked after breaking away.

Staring deep into his eyes, you trailed your hands over your body. Upward to the top button of your work blouse. As much as you tried to portray that you weren’t becoming a mess, the both of you could tell by the way your hands slightly shook. Fumbling with even the first button.

Chan, deciding to give you mercy, helped you with the first two instead. Eventually you did take over unbuttoning the rest as he sat up slightly in his seat. Trailing butterfly kisses along your collar bone, leaving a nibble here and there. A necklace of red marks appearing in his wake as he went.

Pulling the fabric off your shoulders, Chan slowly brought your shirt down to pool to the floor. Exposed chest on display, he reached behind you to unclasp your bra and tossed it to the side as well. With how cold it was in his office, your nipples immediately pebbled soon after being uncovered to the room. As much as you wanted to hide away from his hungry gaze, you knew he’d reprimand you in some way if you did.

“So fucking gorgeous, and for me only,” he said with a possessive growl.

With one hand supporting your lower back, he leant down, taking one of your nipples into his mouth and sucked hard, causing you to groan to the heavens. His tongue swirled around the hardened peak, occasionally pulling it slightly with his teeth. Chan was there for a bit, massaging away at the flesh with his mouth as his free hand latched onto the opposite breast. A wet pop was heard as he released the bud from his mouth and switched tactics with the other one. Giving it just as equal attention as you squirmed in place.

His arms held you close, keeping you flushed against him as he gave your nipple one last lick. Your own arms came up to wrap around him as well, one hand tangling in his hair as the other clutched at his shirt. The hand situated on your back moving down to cup your ass through your skirt, allowing you to finally move on his lap.

Like magnets, your lips connected together again.

“You’re such a good girl for me,” he said through the bruising kiss.

You shivered under his touch and praise, letting yourself fall further into the sensations. His other hand reaching down to rake your skirt up to bunch at your waist. His fingers teased the edge of your underwear before finally slipping underneath. His thick digits sliding through your folds easily with how slick you already were.

“Fuck…you’re so fucking wet baby,” he groaned against your lips, breaking the kiss to trail hot open mouthed kisses down your neck. You heart was pounding in your chest as the blood rushed to your ears.

“Channie,” You mewled out.

“What do you want sweetheart? Huh, use your words.”

This feeling was sinful. Though Chan’s door automatically locked, just the idea that anyone with the code could walk in on the two of you was enough to make you dizzy. You practically felt his cock twitching underneath you, straining against the fabric of his slacks. The way his fingers only brushed against your clit, driving you insane.

“Fi…,” You couldn’t think clearly as he squeezed your ass periodically the way that he knew would torment you.

“Hmm? Don’t you want to be my good girl?”

You nodded at his words immediately.

“My good girl would know how to use her words,” he teased while giving your ass a slap causing you to push forward. His fingers slipping in slightly deeper than before.

“There! Need you there!”

He smiled brightly at your eager form. His dimples popping out more than usual.

“Here?” He teased as your hips ground against his palm, you just knew your juices covered his hand.

And then he drove two of his digits inside. Your mouth falling opened in a silent gasp of pleasure. His mouth mirroring yours as he watched you intently.

“You’re so warm, baby. Is this all for me?”

You nodded in response, too caught up in the moment to respond properly. Your eyes becoming hooded as he curled his fingers just right inside of you. Each upward motion sending jolts of electricity through your entire frame. You couldn’t have pulled him in closer even if you tried.

“Oh goood~,” you finally managed to get out in a desperate cry.

“That’s it sweetheart. You ride my fingers so well, only I know where to touch you, ain’t that right, baby. Show me how much you want it.”

With the two inside you, his thumb moved in a certain way for it to land on your clit making you moan immediately into his neck. Rubbing at the swollen bud, his fingers continued to pump in and out of you.

“God, I can’t wait to feel you wrapped around me. You feel amazing every time. Wish I could stay in here forever baby. I can feel it, just how close you are sweetheart. You’re squeezing down on my fingers so hard.”

Your cries echoed around the room, signaling your growing orgasm. Chan’s smile grew wider, his fingers working relentlessly between your folds, teasing your clit, and probing deep into your aching pussy.

“You love this don’t you baby? Being filled up by my fingers, making a mess of me at work.” He asked mockingly, voice, low and menacing.. “It’s addicting isn’t it? Maybe we should do this all the time. Just have you come up here every day. Let me have my way with you and no one outside of this room would know.”

Your moans grew louder, borderline screaming. A part of you hoping that Chan hadn’t lied about the room being soundproof. After being edged earlier and the slew of filthy words that kept coming from his mouth, it was no wonder you were on the brink of coming undone so fast. It was as if he could read your mind by the way he started to slow his arm motions down.

“Noo, Channie…baby please,” you pleaded with him not to stop, collapsing fully into him. “Fuck…I’m so close babe.”

The feeling of his fingers suddenly coming out of you was just appalling. The empty sensation enough to make you desperate, you needed to be filled with him.

Now.

“Chan pleeeease…I’ve been good. I’ve been so good, please…don’t do this.” You barely managed to cry out into his skin. He didn’t listen, only brought his glistening fingers to his mouth. You stared up at him, gaze still hooded, as he licked and sucked on his own digits. Your own tongue copying what his was doing to himself. The low groan he let out shooting straight to your frenzied core.

He smirked around his fingers as he tasted you on himself. With a final satisfied groan he licked them clean. Watched as you stared back at him, mouth parted. His eyes filled with lust that more than likely mirrored your own. You bit at your lip, body trembling with anticipation.

“I know you have been, my sweet girl. You ready for your reward?” He rubbed himself  through his slacks, visible wet spots in the fabric created by both of your arousals. By now, his cock could have been compared to a steel rod with how hard he’d been this entire time.

“Mmhmm,” Mewling quietly, you nodded. With one hand he brought you in for a deep kiss, his tongue exploring your mouth. The other began to undo his pants, freeing his throbbing cock from its confines. You moaned softly as he teased at your entrance, gliding between your folds before thrusting in without warning. The both of you groaning in ecstasy.

“Fuuuuuck…Christopher…,” his size was one you would never get used to no matter how many times you’ve fucked already

Chan reveled in the feeling that was just you.

It drove him insane just how much he wanted to be deeper inside of you with each thrust that he did. The way you bounced in his lap as he pounded into your tight pussy with a force that should have broken the chair immediately. Your tits bouncy in his face making him loose his mind even more.

“There’s my good girl,” he growled. “I’m gonna give you everything you need. No one else can fuck you this good, baby.”

“No one!” You echoed.

His hands, now holding you, tightened around your hips, holding you steady. The sound of your bodies colliding with each other echoing throughout the room too. His cock slid in and out of your folds with ease, coated in a slick layer of your combined juices.

Without warning, Chan brought his hand down across your ass, the sharp crack of flesh against flesh filling the air. Feeling the sting of his slap, you cried out, your body jolted forward from the impact. But instead of pulling away, you pushed against him, seeking more of that same sting.

“So good baby!” You cried breathlessly.

As he gave your ass another spank, you couldn’t hold back the moan that left your throat. Your backside began to turn pink under his hand.

Neither of you cared.

You could feel Chan’s cock throbbing inside of you. His hand left your ass to tangle inside your hair, tugging at it roughly. The movement caused you to gasp raggedly into the air.

“Gonna fill you up baby, gonna breed this tight little pussy. Make sure no one mistakes who you belong with. You hear me?”

“Yes, yes Christopher! Want you…fill me up…”

He grabbed onto you mid thrust to place you on top of his desk, not even breaking his rhythm. This new position allowed him to reach deeper, his cockhead practically kissing your cervix with every thrust inside.

“Ahh…ahh…ahh..” you gasped out, unable to contain your noises or desire.

“That’s right baby, you love to be filled with my cum don’t you?”

“Y-yeaaaah~”

Chan’s powerful thrusts continued to drive his cock inside your warm folds. You were in haze of bliss, surrendering to the feeling that was Chan.

“Fucking hell…,” he groaned, his voice thick with lust as he pounded into you with reckless abandon. Each thrust brought the two of you closer and closer to the release you so needed. Already he could feel your tight walls clenching around him, milking his cock for everything it was going to give.

“You ready baby?” He asked, the strain in his voice signaling that he was on the brink of losing it.

“Channie!” You choked out as you finally got to come underneath him. Your body trembling as wave after wave of ecstasy wracked your form. Legs locking around your boyfriend to keep him close to you.

“Fuck, I love you!” He yelled; his voice filled with pure ecstasy. His body tensed as his dick throbbed when he came, his cum hot as it painted your walls white. He groaned loudly as his vision went out briefly. He swore, if anyone had asked, he would have said he saw stars behind his eyelids.

He lay there, collapsed in your embrace. The both of you panting, breaths intermingling. He placed little kisses into your skin while you each calmed down from your highs. You trailed your fingers through his hair, feeling awash with serenity.

“I love you too by the way,” you said softly now that you weren’t being fucked out of your mind. You could just feel his smile as he tried to hide into your neck, much like he did earlier that morning.

“Oh no, don’t try to act all shy now!” You playfully chastised, pushing him away slightly to see his face better. “Not after what you literally just did to me.”

All he could do was laugh out loud, eyes disappearing behind his grin. His face becoming red in embarrassment under your hand.

A shuddered groan escaped the both of you as Chan finally pulled his softening dick out of you.

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

After allowing yourselves a moment to clean up after the debauched act, you were sat in his desk chair, him in front of you. Your legs on his as he sat crossed legged on the mahogany item.

“Alright babe, spill. What’s wrong?” you asked.

“What’d’you mean? Nothing’s wrong,” he evaded, playing with your legs.

“You did not just pull me out of the department meeting over nothing,” you said with a skeptical look. He avoided your stare, choosing instead to trail invisible lines across your skin.

He’s pouting.

“Channie?” You encouraged.

“…” He did the thing that he typically did when he was thinking about what say. Mouth pursed to the side, eyes moving back and forth unfocused. So you waited until he was ready. “Do you not love me?”

“What!?” Floored is what you were. Especially since you literally just told him you loved him back. But there was a feeling in you that could tell that there was something more to this question. Something that had probably been eating at him if his slumped posture was anything to go by.

“Of course I love you Christopher,” The use of his English name was to solidify just how serious you were. “Why would you think otherwise?”

He tapped your leg as a nervous tick before speaking, “I just…why don’t you wanna move in together?”

Oh. That’s not what you thought he would say.

“This morning I just felt like that’s what it would feel like if we lived in the same place together. That I’d be able to wake up to you by my side, bed head and everything. And my heart just felt so full in that moment.

I understand that you want your independence. It’s one of the many reasons why I love you. But seeing how you are with your co-workers, I don’t know. I guess it scared me in that maybe the reason you don’t want to move in together is cause you’re not sure about us. Which is dumb I know!”

“Oh baby…”

“I know you love me. I know you do, it’s just an insecurity I have to work with,” he continued.

“That’s right, I do love you. So very much Chan. And, for the record, it’s not that I don’t want to move in together. It’s just a matter of affording to break my lease early,” With a smile, you held your hand up to stop him from interrupting you. “Before you start, Mr. Fancypants Rich McGee, no, I don’t want you paying for it. That’s not what our relationship was built on and we’re certainly not gonna start now. I wanted to tell you this this weekend when I go over to your place, but I guess now’s a good time as any, considering. I finally have the amount necessary.”

“Wait…,” the hopeful look in his eyes was so precious to you.

“I can start packing my stuff up to move in with you.”

“Baby!”

Chan quickly climbed down from his sat position, immediately scooping you into his arms. If that didn’t show he was excited, the multitude of kisses was sure another sign of how happy he was at the news. The both of you giggling like you didn’t just have a filthy fuck session in his office.

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

As you walked out of Chan’s office, after double and triple checking that you looked decent enough to go back to the meeting room, you realized something immediately. Han Jisung sat red in the face at his desk and was doing everything in his power to avoid looking at the two of you. Which could only mean one thing.

Bang Christopher Chan really did lie about his office being soundproof and his assistant just heard everything that went down.

FUCK!

a/n. This in no way reflects the actual persons involved/based in this fic, nor their actual character. This is purely fiction.

© hippopotamusdreamer, est 2024. all rights reserved.

Taglist:

@elizalabs3

[sangreprince]

I wanna keep this brief (graphic design is my passion level effort but also it kinda works in a really funny way) !!! I wanna let you all know I appreciate the love you've given Zagreus and I'm so so happy to be here. You're all great and wonderful and I could say so many good things to say about each and every one of my mutuals. So fuck it, that's what I'mma do. Because you all truly deserve it. I'm super happy with Zagreus and being able to share my portrayal and have it be well received means so much !!! It's easy to say 'thank you all so much' but I want to acknowledge that I truly do appreciate and care about each and every one of my mutuals, even if my time / availability makes it tough at times. PART 1/4

@withinchains / @hercarnality : Elle you already know how much ily so I'm gonna keep this short. You're such an amazing friend and writer and you already have the screenshot about me gushing pinned so eat my shorts and play arams with me. Your Morgana is to die for and you write every character to a fucking T because of how you just interpret all their personalities and put them into words SO effortlessly.

@lasraichean : NEMO U SMELL LIKE BEEF and I think you're fantastic. You pour so much effort into all your OCs and that passion does you so much credit. You absolutely shower Annie with love in such a way that I shower everyone else with unrequested amounts of fromsoft lore so MWAH.

@blackrosesmatron : Lucy your LB is fantastic and you're so easy to talk to and communicate with. Genuinely every time we sit down and plot I find myself getting so enthralled in her antics and character. You do her so much justice

@avernusfuries : HAN You single handedly made me like Karlach and that isn't even a joke. Before we met and started writing I always thought her story was one of the weaker ones and you somehow managed to turn her into one of the more realized characters in the game. HATS OFF TO YOU and every day I beg for more of this big doofus.

@feuerwizard : Crys I know I need to get back to you for plotting things, I've just been so busy but I want to say: You and some of the other CR writers you write with are so talented and I adore reading your posts. Were it not for you guys I still probably wouldn't have any interest in CR and I'm so so excited to get started with more stuff and actually get threads going!

@soulcluster : Lilah I think all your portrayals are excellent. Your MM deserves all the attention it gets and I honestly couldn't pick a favorite muse if gave me truth serum. Plotting with you is a blast and I'm so thankful for all the ideas we pass between eachother!

@pitgritted : Your Sett, Taric, and Mutli are all so well done Jojo. I can tell you really care about all the people you write and it shines so brightly, right down the amount of detail you place into every reply and how you format things. Passion shows in the end and this is no exception!!

@palespawn : This sassy motherfucker. We've only just started writing and I still need to get to replies but you've showed interest since almost day one and I cant say how much I appreciate that. Courtney you do such a beautiful job with the twink, I almost dont wanna stab him. Almost~

@infinitysagas : I first of all wanna say thank you for writing such underappreciated characters. To see Damon get love brings me so much joy, I always take a second to read his posts when I see them come up. I know we haven't done a ton but please know that I see your writing and totally wanna do stuff, I'm just very busy skdjhf.

@deathdxnces : Irelia was a character I never cared about too much, but how you humanize her so much and have expanded on her character beyond what Riot's given us does SO much for me. I actually adore how you portray her, Mel, and I wish to get writing at some point soon!! I know you liked a starter a bit ago and I do plan to get to that, but please do not hesitate to hit me up for plotting in the meantime. It really does help and I promise I don't bite!!

@tealbeats : I know you're not super active on Ez (and I still owe you a lot of stuff actually) but I wanna say I love the amount of his personality you're able to paint into every interaction. You have such a way of making him the perfect amount of insufferable (in the best way) while still twisting it in SUCH an endearing light. I love that annoying little bug and I'm so glad you do too, because it really shows.

@agonizedembrace : Han it's been really nice to reach out and get into contact again. You're genuinely a really funny, interesting, and thoughtful person who cares about Evelynn in such a way that brings out every aspect of her character. The agony, the sex appeal, the sass, the confidence, you just nail all of it and I'm really hoping we can get stuff going soon!

@bendwill : Elder scrolls blogs are few and far between, but Miraak is absolutely one of those characters that deserves to be more written out. We haven't gotten to do a ton but please don't hesitate to hit me up and scream ideas at me, the idea of Tamrielic Zagreus is very fascinating to me. (And also I need somebody to ramble about my Oblivion D&D Campaign ideas with skdfjh)

@ofweave : First of all, trans gale is based as fuck and you have a vision. Second of all, I know you're on hiatus but once you come back I'd be so happy to get the ball rolling with this stinky wizard man!!

@kismetwilled : I'm not gonna lie, seeing how you pour effort into your headcanons and thoughtful replies kind of inspired me to do similar with my own. I also want to say that I'd love to plot more and yell ideas all day with you, your style is gorgeous and I find myself appreciating characters on your blog I've never even heard of or are barely familiar with. Seriously Dani, it's top tier and I'm so happy to be mutuals.

@enrogued : We haven't gotten anything started with but I'm so hyped. Rogue as a character has such fascinating potential with her powers, and that's not to mention her attitude towards others in general. Once stuff gets started I'm probably never gonna shut up in your DMs but like that's a constant sdfjkh STILL!!

@lunarrepel : Shadowheart my beloved. The aesthetics, writing, dialog, everything you do with her is SO on point and I can't get over it. I was already biased and liked her after Larian adjusted her a bit during the beta phase of BG3 but still. Man you just nail her and I'm so excited to develop these two out. They give wine aunt energy and THAT alone gives me so much life.

@dreadgloom / @cinderschild : I wont lie to you I was GIDDY when I found out you wrote a WoTR character. I honestly expected that fandom to have more of a presence on tumblr but I'll take what small fanclub we can get right?? And also can I comment on the takes you have from Salvatore are absolutely genius and play really well into WoTC's drow?? Genuinely fantastic worldbuilding and it's always a pleasure to see you crop up on the dash.

@nightsbloom : Your headcanons and replies have been gorgeus and I just want to say despite me being really busy and not getting around to approaching yet, I'm so excited??? Also a while back you reblogged a Qimir gifset and it's still living rent free in my head so thank you for the food chef--- Please though, if you have any thoughts or even just dynamic ideas - toss them at me at mach 5 and I will run with them because I'm HYPE.

@spiderwarden : I think you officially win the title of Minthara's #1 fan. Her performance (as I've mentioned) is absolutely captivating, as is your writing. I'm very excited to see where her interactions with Zagreus go and writing with you (or even just seeing your random hc posts and comments) is such a blast. I will always sit down and listen to you ramble about her, I think she's so fascinating and that's in no small part to how you manage to inject so much life and love into her despite all the cut content.

[angelismmm]

oohhh i love your blog!! how about some morning sex headcanons with albedo, ayato, kaeya and cyno?

⟢ a rising sunset in the east ft. albedo, ayato, kaeya, & cyno ・synopsis. early mornings, busy afternoons, it all calling for intimacy in the bright sun rays through the cracks of the curtains that spill onto the floor, and slow sensual sex at the crack of dawn, right before he goes. ・notes. ugliest and cutest color combo ive ever made, #696969 for the win tho, bro why did i ever think writing was easy without fancy ahh words. day ii: im losing it, i cant write dom albedo, its ok i tried ・warnings. nsfw, morning sex, gn!reader, dom & sub!reader, dom & sub!character, strap/cock mentioned

THE ALCHEMIST: ALBEDO ・such a sweetheart honestly! wants to make those little moments between you two at least somewhat sweet, but he can't help but whimper at the way you went so slowly up and down his cock. and damn did it feel good. probably likes cowgirl / missionary the most. probably has a lot of stamina too! could go on 'till night time again if you wanted him to. orgasms too easily though, so overstimulation with him can barely be avoided. likes to call you an angel, or just basic petnames (i.e. love, darling, dear, etc., he's really cheesy). pretty loud in bed if i don't say so myself. like dom or sub, either way he whimpers and groans a ton, gets turned a whole bunch when you moan, lets him know you like it too yk? ・oh and if you the one pegging/thrusting him from behind or what, do wtv u can to his nipples, he likes that. like a lot. tug on them, rub them, like just doing that and being the one pounding his ass and he'll fall in love, praise him while doing it, tell him he's a good boy and you are on your way to make him orgasm another time. probably real sensitive too, like i said he is prone to orgasming a bit early into sex, like after tugging on his nips for a bit he probably will come as soon as that dick/strap come inside of him!!! anyway back to srs writing, he loves praise a lot, do that and rub his nipples, he'll come untouched. more sensitive in the mornings btw ・aftercare w him is soo soft, like he'll make sure you're both showered and stuff, makes sure you're okay, continuosly asks actually, cuddles you to sleep, before he goes in the morning, forehead kiss and goes out the door feeling like a man with the greatest partner ever.

THE YASHIRO COMMISIONER: KAMISATO AYATO ・likes being in control, any position will do honestly, whatever you're most comfortable with. major tease & wastes 0 time, wastes 0 time is going drunk on your taste, i feel like he's more into sucking/eating you off/out, doesn't have the energy to rail the fuck out of your hole, but maybe a taste of you could give him more energy, yk? gets so drunk on your taste he almost doesn't realize you've already came and your cock/pussy is already off his mouth, will probably overstimulate you a bit too, maybe even edge you a bit after that. ・degrades you like no tomorrow, but likes being degraded when you're the one pegging/thrusting into his ass. likes being punished too, probably the type to go "i'm too tired for this" when you ask if he's your slut to purposely piss you off. will gladly bounce on your dick/strap though, absolutey goes crazy on it, please place hickeys on his neck, show everyone that he belongs to you when he goes out <3 ・loves aftercare, loves also to shower kisses on your back while you both get ready for the morning activities, and as long as you ask for it he'll get for you, makes sure everything you want and need it there for you while he isn't there, so a kiss to your forehead, and he's out the door, and those little things that you had kept your eye on but don't wanna go out anytime soon? he'll get it as soon as possible! just sit tight, and wait for him, that's all he needs from you.

THE CALVARY CAPTAIN: KAEYA ALBERICH ・god damn, he is definitely a big tease while you sleepily ride his cock, your eyes barely open, pleasure running all throughout your body, your hands on his chest, the only thing that really helped your body up, and kaeya can't help but groan, you felt so ethereal, it made him feel like he's falling in love with you all over again. he just needed this before work, just needed you this one more time, he's been almost too busy, it took too long this time for a single mission to be completed, he's glad you can help him relieve his stress! ・probably praises you immensely, and whatever position is okay as long as neither of you have to move that much. pound him while his face is in a pillow, literal praise prince, seriously loves praise so bad, tell him he's being such a good boy taking all of you in. his loud moans in pleasure echoing through the hallway, loves even more if you fuck him in front of a mirror, seeing how much of a mess you've made him, gets turned on so bad, even if it's just you jerking him off, your smooth hands running over his red tip, aa just please keep going!! ・the type of guy to call you mommy/daddy, just depends how far you guys are into it (as in round wise yes.) anyways, aftercare is a dream!! so gentle with you honestly, getting showered with him is so heavenly too, smooth talker plus showering you with affection? such a sweetheart, and if you really can't walk after like in the other headcannons i made for ayato, he'd go for errands for anything that you need, but not 'till 8am, it's still 6am, he'll stay with you for a bit. just a bit 'till he goes.

THE GENERAL MAHAMATRA: CYNO ・WAAA baby is so sensitive, literally just touching all over his cock for a bit makes him wanna cum soo bad, just say the word and he will paint your hands white <33!! his drowsy eyes could barely keep up with the speed of how fast of a pace your hands were going up and down his dick, spurts cum everywhere honestly, kinda heavy load everytime he does too. will let you dominate him in the morning, doesn't really care ・make him choke on your fingers if he's being too loud, definitely likes getting degraded, but praise isn't out of the choices. a mix of everything, really, just don't let it be related to gory stuff, makeout with him and jerk him off, and he'll be off happier than ever. sensitive all over, just seriously do anything to him, more prone to cum just by you stroking him. ・if he does end up being a dom, lots of praise and kisses, really just soft thrusts into you. the belly bulge on your tummy is really what keeps him going, seeing how much of his seed is inside you, holds your hand throughout most of the rounds too, lowkey arrives late to work because of aftercare with you. ・treats you like a queen/king, reminds you all the time how much he loves you and cares about you, that's why he doesn't go that hard during sex, wants to make sure you're comfortable, likes to hold you in the shower, just you and him.

you can tell i was dying while writing this it's kinda icky too so mb.... cg on 700 followers for me ig.......

[crybabycinna]

Spice

Sugar mama Lin Beifong x sugar baby reader

Summery: things get a little spicy between you and Lin and not in the good way (REMEMBER I SAID YALL CANT JUMP ME! YALL CANT BE MAD AT ME)

I woke up to the sound of a door closing. I slowly sat up and Lin wasn’t in the room, I got out of bed and went into the living room and still no Lin. I peeked out the window and saw Lin getting into her car. I pouted then I turned to the kitchen. There was a plate of breakfast waiting for me with some coffee. “She’s so in love with me.” I said to myself then took a sip of my coffee. When I finished eating I cleaned up the kitchen then did some laundry and tried to figure out what to make Lin for lunch.

As the days went by with Lin being stuck in the office she made sure to come home in the morning to take a shower and make breakfast for me. It was sweet but I want her to lay with me! I was laying in bed when the phone rang and I answered it. “Hello.” I said. “She ripped it.” Asami said. “What?” I asked. “I wore the matching outfit we bought last night and Korra ripped it. You need to put yours on.” Asami said. “Y’all nasty.” I teased. “You and Lin fucked in my closet.” Asami said. “That is true.” I said.

“Exactly so you better put that outfit on and then that pencil skirt outfit and go up there and do what you need to do.” Asami said. “You’re right.” I said. “Also are you and Lin coming with the rest of us to Zaofu?” Asami asked. “Why are we going to Zaofu?” I asked. “Because Lin’s sister has invited us to visit.” Asami said. “Her what?” I asked. “Her sister Su…has she not told you about her?” Asami asked. “No! I had no clue she had a sister.” I said. “Well they are still learning to get along so I’m kinda not surprised but I don’t know as her girlfriend I thought she’d mention her to you.” Asami said.

“She’s been busy a lot lately so I’m not surprised that she hasn’t brought it up.” I said. “Well I say get to packing so you guys can come.” Asami said. “Oh we’ll be there, trust me.” I said. “Good, I’ll talk to you later. I love you.” Asami said. “I love you too.” I said and hung up. I sighed then decided to start packing. I packed the new pink lingerie in my bag and a bunch of clothes and other things. When I finished I decided to make Lin’s lunch. When that was done I dressed up then made my way to her office. I didn’t put on the lingerie outfit because I’m mad at Lin.

She’s not getting any from me. I saw Mako and Bolin. “Hello boys.” I said. “Hey!” Bolin exclaimed and gave me a hug. I hugged him back then hugged Mako. “Chief isn’t in her office, she’s in another meeting.” Mako said. “That’s fine I’ll just wait in her office also you guys are coming to Zaofu right?” I asked. “Yeah of course.” Bolin said. “Are you guys going? I know chief has been a little dodgy about answering if you guys are going or not.” Mako said. “We’re going.” I said. Mako and Bolin nodded. I went up to Lin’s office and I sat in her chair.

The more I sat there the more irritated I got. How could she not tell me? Why wouldn’t she tell me? I’m her girlfriend, she's supposed to tell me these things! How the fuck do you not say hey babe I have a sister! Like makes no fucking sense. The door opened and I looked up. “What’s wrong with you?” Lin asked. “So you have a sister.” I said. “Who told you?” Lin asked as she closed the door behind her. “Asami called me asking if we’re going to Zaofu with everyone else because your sister invited us.” I said.

“We aren’t going.” Lin said. “Oh yes we are, I already told Asami, Bolin and Mako we are going and I’ve already packed.” I said. “Well unpack because we aren’t going.” Lin said. “Yes we are.” I said. “No.” Lin said sternly. “I’ll go without you then.” I said and folded my arms. “You wouldn’t dare.” Lin said. “Try me.” I said. “Why are you being so difficult?” Lin asked as she walked over to the desk. “Why don’t you wanna go? Why didn’t you tell me about your sister?” I asked. “Because it’s none of your business.” Lin snapped. “I’m your girlfriend Lin.” I said. “No you are not. Remember your place.” Lin snapped.

“Ok.” I said. I got up and left the room. She wants me to remember my place. I can do that but me remembering my place means her remembering hers. When I got back to the apartment I didn’t even bother to clean up and I ordered food for myself. When dinner time came around I didn’t bother to cook for Lin at all.

The next morning I woke up to the smell of food. I got out of bed and went into the kitchen. I saw Lin at the stove. “So you didn’t wash dishes last night?” Lin asked. I didn’t bother to respond and I made myself some coffee. “Am I talking to myself?” Lin asked. I turned to look at her and just took a sip of my coffee. “Really?” Lin asked. I shrugged. “You are being such a brat right now.” Lin replied. That’s the point Linny. I’m back in my place. “Do you think this is funny?” Lin asked. “No I don't, Linny.” I said. “You clearly do.” Lin said. I shook my head.

When lunch time came around I made her lunch and just dropped off the food. I didn’t bother to sit and be with her. The same with dinner. Just drop offs and go. I've been doing this till it was time to go to Zaofu. I made sure I had everything in my bags that morning. “Are you really going?” Lin asked. I nodded my head. “You’re on your own for lunch and dinner. Good luck. Hopefully when I come back your attitude has changed.” I said and made my way out the door. I’m being petty I know but I don’t care! She started it!

When we made it to Zaofu I got introduced to everyone. “I’m surprised my sister got a girlfriend as sweet as you.” Su said. I just laughed. “Speaking of aunty Lin, where is she?” Opal asked. “Paperwork is keeping her way too busy.” I said. “When will she ever take a break?” Su sighed. “Who knows.” I said. I was shown around and of course I went shopping on Lin’s card. She’s gonna spank the hell out of me but I don’t care! I sat with Su outside and we just talked. “You know I didn’t think my sister would fall in love again.” Su said. “What do you mean?” I asked.

“Last time she was in love was with Tenzin and that was years ago.” Su said. “Damn.” I said. “I don’t know if she dated other people after him really but she seems to like you if she sent you to meet me and I’ve heard Korra talk about the two of you. You two seem so sweet. I wish she was here so I could see you two together.” Su said. “She’s dated some other people before me. I believe she made it seem like it was all just casual.” I said. “Well she’s taking you seriously so just try to be patient with her. I know she can be a handful.” Su said and we laughed.

The next morning I woke up to knocking at my door. I got out of bed and opened the door. There stood a pissed off Lin. “Oh hello.” I said. “You really made me come all the way here to get you.” Lin huffed. “Oh no no I didn’t make you come here.” I told her as I moved aside to let her in. “I’m not in the mood for you brat.” Lin said. “Then why are you here?” I asked. “To bring you home.” Lin said. “Why?” I asked. “Because you don’t need to be here.” Lin said. “Why? Your sister seems nice and your niece Opal was asking about you.” I said.

“You know nothing about my sister.” Lin snapped. “Then tell me.” I snapped back. “It’s none of your business.” Lin said. “Lin, just explain please. I just want to understand.” I said. “You just don’t need to be here!” Lin yelled. “Don’t raise your voice at me Lin Beifong.” I said. “I wouldn’t be raising my voice if you just listened!” Lin shouted. “I’m trying to listen but you just keep yelling and saying a whole lot of nothing baby.” I said and sat on the bed. “Pack your things we’re leaving.” Lin said. “You can’t make me leave.” I said.

“If you don’t come with me this is over.” Lin said. “Ok, I don’t need your money. I’m more than capable of taking care of myself. In all honesty the reason I’m still here with you is because I genuinely love spending time with you. I love our time together that’s why I’m here but if you don’t care about that then ok. I’ll pack up and leave if that’s what you want.” I said. Lin huffed. “Tell me what you want, Lin.” I said. “I want us to go home. Please let’s just go home.” Lin said. “Please tell me why I just want to understand.” I said.

“Why do you have to know? Why can’t we just go home?” Lin asked. I grabbed Lin’s hand and pulled her to me. “Talk to me. I want this to work Lin and this won’t work if you don’t talk.” I said. She sat down and I straddled her. “Lin, please just let me in.” I begged. Lin sighed. I cupped her face but then quickly removed my hand from her scar cheek. Lin grabbed my hand and put it back. Lin took a deep breath and started to tell me about her relationship with her sister.

[nomaishuttle]

Why r they like 80 dollars.. whatever itll be a housewarming gift to myself

when i mov eout im gonna buy one of those anatomical skeletons and im gonna name him heironymous and hes gonna be my roommate

[cyberbabyangell]

₊˚⊹☆ sorens formula

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

HELLO.

jst wanted to try out the biggest text sorry

lately ive been focusing on the void and waking up there every morning, because with school i cant rlly actively attempt to go there awake anymore. just during the weekends. so here's everything i do, not only void related but also jst shifting and manifesting wise.

ᡣ𐭩ྀིྀི goals : shift in seconds, enter the void every time i wake up, have the 3d bend to my will more easily

. ݁₊ ⊹ morning: i get ready for school, as painful as it is. this is when i like to remind myself of stuff the most, like how i shift in seconds and stuff. i usually have something in the background like a show or subliminals depending on how i feel. in the shower is where i start visualising my dr a lot. random thought but this is literally my last year of school in this reality and i swear im feeling smth 😭

. ݁₊ ⊹ school: on my way i daydream a lot. i daydream hours per day and its not rlly something i can control BUT i have been trying to lately, and have it 50/50 like daydreaming half the way and affirming the second half or daydreaming on the bus and affirming when i walk. during class, if the teachers allow it i put on calm songs that i'd put in the innerspace and visualise myself studying there. during launch i listen to stuff for the void :P whenever i find myself bored at school with a notebook laying around i write down my robotic affirmations.

. ݁₊ ⊹ afternoon: i put on void affirmations (no music) because i automatically repeat them when i hear them :D and i add a morphic field with that. its usually layered (field in one tab and affirmations in the other) but i also like to listen to the field after the affirmations. usually the field triggers physical symptoms like motion sickness, slight headache, shivers/goosebumps and stuff so i dont like listening to it more than 3 times. then i take a break and do whatever. at some point ill put on my void playlist and lay on my bed and affirm. if i finished school hyper early or its the weekend i do enter the void awake! but i like waking up in it better.

. ݁₊ ⊹ night: i put on a shifting reprogramming sub! to remind myself that i shift effortlessly and in seconds. at first id listen to any subliminal so i could give my subconscious the "choice" of either waking up in my dr or in the void, but i narrowed it to changing my shifting mindset while i focus on the void. i check the formula to make sure they dont include immediate shifts/waking up there 😾

. ݁₊ ⊹ manifestation: this is something i do throughout the day without much thought, its been a week and a half honestly and im already used to it. like, first of all every time someone pisses me off i try to not let it get to me and i instantly tell myself, "It's 3D stuff, it won't matter for too long." and since i talk to myself a lot about shifting, i have the occasion to persist! so to remind myself "Only my 4D matters, I'm already in the innerspace, I already shift whenever i want" blablabla. i also have a vision board

the stuff i listen to!!

these two usually once or twice a day! ↑

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

this ↑ playlist contains classic void subliminals, a void morphic field and a self-hypnosis! ive been doing the self hypnosis for 5 days now :3 its what i listen to when i lay down and affirm.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

↑ this is what i listen to at night, with a morphic field :D usually the same one as above lol.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

↑ these are all manifestation subs, i used to listen to them but i dont wanna overload my subconscious :3 and also i dont need them anymore because i keep manifesting naturally 🫶 i jst dont gatekeep ദ്ദി(｡•̀ ,<)~✩

" what works for me may not work for you, but that doesn't mean you can't explore! and listen to your gut! "

˚　　　　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.　　　　　 . ✦　　　 　˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔

　　　.   　　˚　　 　　*　　 　　✦　　　.　　.　　　✦　˚ 　　　　 ˚　.˚　　　　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.　　　　 　　 　　　　 ੈ✧̣̇˳·˖✶ ✦　　

[letterbombbreakdown]

fuckkkk its nearly 1am and i cant sleep at all im not even a little bit tired so shoild i either stay up and be able to go to sleep around 12pm and at least i can do things i actually want until i jave to leave??? i can also chug a monster to get me through but im gonna be busy from lioe 8am-12pm i dont really wanna be tired for it but i cant make myself sleep, and regsrdless if i stay up or wake up on time il not gonna wanna go tomorrow, at least this way i dont jave to worry about waking up? and ill have tokme to shower, so o guess i ahould jist stay up :/ igjhhh i wosh o wocoild sleeeeopp

[cowplant-pizza]

hey guys this is a huge personal rant about my irl so if u dont wanna read it just scroll!!

so as some of u will know i am disabled with fibromyalgia, hyper mobility and also depression and anxiety.

i started a small biz to try to help bring funds in as i cant work a proper job (i was even told by my dr that working was out of the option)

im feeling doubly, even tripley sorry for myself rn because not only do i have a disability, but i have it so bad that i can’t even do what most people with this disability can do (work part time or even full time in some cases)

my disability took away my dream from working with animals because its such a labour intensive job

i saw a silver lining in creating my small business because it was something i was really passionate about and was actually doing really well

in 2020-2021 i made £21k which is a reasonable salary for someone with no qualifications (i had to drop out of school due to my disability) and also a small business in their first year of existing

however since covid has “ended”, and lockdown was lifted, my sales have plummeted. the following year i only made £4k

this year i’m sure i’ve made even less

i cant keep up with my business because i’m way too stressed about money. stress makes fibromyalgia waaaay worse for those wondering

i cant sleep at night. i have awful insomnia. but when i do finally get to sleep, i cant wake up. i describe it as a sleep coma. its like sleep is literally pulling a blanket over my head and suffocating me back to sleep. i actively fight with my body every day for the ability to wake up

once i wake up i have minimum energy. this is spent doing small everyday tasks like watering my plants, playing with my dogs, putting away laundry, showering ect. once those tasks are done, i’m spent. i could sleep again. i have no energy or motivation to work on my business

but some days i dont even have the energy to do those small things

i just sort of “zombie mode” along all day. time goes quickly and slowly at the same time

i thought i’d been awake like 30mins earlier but it had been 5hrs and my dinner was ready

i’m basically always confused and not with it. earlier i put a tissue on the side and my mug in the bin (still with cold tea in it) instead of the other way around. i put soap in my hair and shampoo on my body puff

i dont know what to do

i have a drs appointment on 16th but that was booked over a month ago and its only over the phone. i rang today to try and book another one (because you can only discuss one issue at a time), and opted for the callback service (if your past 5th in the queue you press the callback and keep your spot). i was 8th. i never got a call back

i honestly just feel like the entire world is against me

im trying to get an adhd/autism diagnosis because i know something is “wrong” up there but i cant even get a regular appointment let alone a referral

i get no support from my government. no benefits. i scored a 0 on my PIP interview. im going to try for universal credit but someone recommended waiting for my adhd/autism diagnosis to really push them to give it to me but, as i said, i cant get an appointment

im making about 50-100 per month

i dont see anything bright in my future

if you read this far honestly your a gem. im sorry for burdening this on your shoulders. i just needed to write it down and get it off my chest

[skyechild]

Wont let go

𖤐 pairing: Hyunjin x reader

𖤐 genre: angst :D

𖤐 warnings: just angst

𖤐 wc: 1.5k

𖤐 summary: You cant let go...

𖤐 notes: this hurt me writing, like i actually teared up. this is inspired but Till I Let Go by NEFFEX

𖤐 network and tag list: @cultofdionysusnet / @spooo00oky / @stravvberrymilksan /

You stare at the little flowers in your hand, sitting on the wet grass infront of a pile of rocks. Your gaze turns up towards the sky, smiling weakly as the clouds opened up and the rain drenched everything, mixing with the tears on your cheeks. “Is this you telling me not to cry?” Eyes closed as you pressed the heels of your hands against your eyes. “You always hated it when i cried. Especially if it was over you.” You choked on a watery laugh, placing the sad bundle of flowers next to the rocks.

“I cant move on Jin, i cant move on cause i cant let go. I just-” You looked down at the pile of rocks, the clearing in front of you filled with soft pink tulips. “You always said that we would live forever. But now...” You bit your lip, eyes burning. “Now you arent...here...” You let out a heart wrenching cry, covering your face. “Your jokes you pulled on everyone.” You sobbed, adjusting to lay down, facing the sky. 

“The pain makes it real, i dont want to feel...i just wanna kill the bad thoughts and steal a good thought.” You whispered, smiling at the faint feeling of a brush against your cheek. “I hate feeling broken.” You clenched your fists. “I drown in our memories, Hyunjin. I wonder if you can hear me.”

“I feel so lost, im never at home. This is the first time ive been out in two weeks.” You smiled softly. “You always were such a good listener.” You giggled wetly, watching the sky get darker. “What i just lay here with you?” You turned onto your side, hair sticking to your neck and forehead. “Just for tonight. We can stargaze together? Sounds good right?” You smiled, bringing your legs up to your chest and playing with the ring on your finger. “You promised we would get married...you remember that right?” You smile softly. 

“Jisung and Felix have been trying to talk to me, trying to get me out of the house. The bed still smells like you...” You whisper, stroking the wet grass . “Ive been wearing your clothes.” You thumbed the stem of a flower. “You would be nagging at me to take care of myself...dont worry ive been trying. I’ve been eating and taking showers.” You breathed deeply. “But i spend most of my time in our bed, surfing through memories. The ones we have on our phones and on the computer.”

You cried softly. “I just...i miss you so much Hyunjin.” You hiccupped, gripping a patch of grass. “Im never going to let go.” You sniffled. “Im not going to move on.” You sobbed, curling into yourself. “I knows its not healthy but I made you a promise. You made it to. Its us against the world. Us forever.” You smiled. “I just wish you wouldve opened your eyes. Let me hear your voice and your laugh. Hold your hand and hug you.” You cried softly, resting your head on the grass.

“I just want to see you again...” You whimpered, closing your eyes. “I need time to heal...” You whispered, gripping your chest. “Hyunjin...” You choked out his name. “I hope they dont take me away from you again...i wouldnt be able to take it. Chris will probably come though. He seems to know where i am all the time.” You joked through tears. 

“Remember when we went on that Ferris wheel? I was so scared and you thought rocking it would be funny?” You chuckled, sniffling. “We had our first kiss there...its also where you said you wanted to propose.” You smiled. “Since we had so many memories there.”

“I cant forget how you some how lost me that day. im not even that much shorter then you. But you found me, like you always do.” You hiccupped softly. “Remember when we took that trip to Australia?” You smiled, giggling at the memory. “You got so scared when we went to the rescue sanctuary. All the dingos and the roos.” You sighed. “Of all the animals, you got scared of the Tasmanian devils.” You chuckled. “I can imagine your whine to that.” You let your clothes soak in the water, leaving you soaked in the clearing you and Hyunjin had claimed as yours. 

“I would have done anything to keep you here. To keep you with me and alive.” You whispered, already hearing the sound of tires on gravel. “After you, its always Chris that would find me. I can hear him now y’know?” You chuckled lightly. “Hes almost here, they probably got into my apartment since i wasnt answering the door. You gave him an extra key remember.” You wiped your nose on your wet sleeve. “Why did you leave me.” You whispered, shifting to curl around the pile of rocks. “I know you wouldnt hang out at your grave, you said you would always be here, roam around in this clearing.”

You heard the tires get closer. “I can feel you around sometimes.” You looked through the tulips. “Barely there touches, a could pressure on my cheek.” You smiled. “You never did leave me, just physically. Youre here with me.” You heard the car stop a bit away, not wanting to ruin any of the flowers. “Chris is here now. He is probably coming to get me.” You touched one of the rocks, stroking the smooth surface. “I hate emotions my love. Why did you leave me with these?” You could hear Chris’ steps coming closer.

You sighed, closing your eyes and taking a breath. “I guess he wont let us stargaze huh.” It was still pouring rain and you could barely hear your last words through the rain. “Probably going to storm tonight.” You whispered, not wanting to leave your place as you heard the squish of Chris’ shoes against the wet grass.

“I knew id find you here.” You could barely hear Chris over the rain. He came and kneeled next to you. “Lets go home Y/n.” You shook your head. “This is my home, hes my home Chris....ill never be home again.” You murmured and the rain started to let up. “He wouldnt want you to get sick.” You stayed quiet. “Youve been gone for a few hours....the others are worried.” He spoke, placing a warm hand on your head. “I cant even see his parents Chris.” You cried softly. “He looks just like them and my heart hurts everytime.” He nodded, stroking your head. “How about we come back tomorrow ok?” You shake your head. 

“Baby i hate to say it but...i dont trust you alone...” You sniffled. “I know you miss him love. “Im not going to move on from him. Or let go of him.” You whispered. “I dont want anyone else.” Chris sighed. “I know love, and i can reassure you that he knows too. But we have to go, youve been out here too long and i know youre going to get sick. Meaning the kids are going to come and baby you.” You smiled slightly before moving and slowly getting up. “Take a warm shower then change into warm clothes. Felix and Jisung are already there, Felix is probably stress baking. Jisung is probably slowly losing it.”

You nodding, letting him help you up as your legs wobbled. “Chris?” He hummed, wrapping an arm around your waist to keep you up. “Why did he leave me?” He smiled sadly. “Love, he didnt do it on purpose. He was just driving.” You shook your head. “Why did i survive and not die with him?” Chris shook his head, getting you into the car and turning it on, letting the air slowly warm you up. You stared out the window, jolting when a blanket wrapped around your shoulders. Chris smiled as he starts to drive you both back to your house, your eyes watching the clearing til you could no longer keep it in eyesight. You stared out the window, quiet.

Thats the most you had talked to someone since the time Hyunjin left your side. Radio silence is what everyone had been getting from you since it happened. You stayed in your seat once he pulled up to your house. “We are home.” You shook your head. Its not home if Hyunjin isnt here. He smiled faintly before coming over to help you out as your front door swung open. His head snapped over to the door, giving them a look. They stopped in their spot, watching as he led you into the house. “Go shower, change too and we will be here.” You turned your gaze to Jisung and Felix. “Can you guys stay?” They nodded rapidly.

You looked back at Chris then towards the others. “Can one of you...stand by the door while i shower? I dont...I dont like how quiet it is now.” Chris nodded. “Ill be right behind you.”

[hannahlovesluca]

So i heard about u doing nijisanji matchups so why not :DD

Nijisanji male matchup pretty plz w cherry on top

Gender:Gender is nothing but a social conCepttTttt(jk cis female but there were times ppl mistook me as a guy once LMAO)

Pronouns:I don't have any in particular,i don't mind any of them as long as its not they/them

Sexuality:....i..don't know actually.Like.Women.But Men.But women.i'll just say bisexual..

Zodiac:Aquarius

Appearance:Shoulder length black hair,i'm kiiinda tall?Im taller than most of my friends.Black fox-like(i think thats what they call them??) Eyes,and i wear literally anything.Like imagine someone in a black turtleneck and some random ass floral button up shirt with the most obnoxious pants ever(for clarification this isnt my attempt at getting in r/builtdifferentfromothergirls i just get cold easily).Oh and im as blind as a bat without my glasses,i only put them on when i wanna put myself in the attractiveness scale for shits and giggles sometimes i wear random jackets i find in my room like that one hot pink jacket i covered in the bee movie stickers for some reason

Mbti:Entp

Idk my ennagram sorry :((

Personality:im pretty laid-back but based on sources(aka my mutuals) i am the embodiment of a living cockroach because of me almost dying like 5 times(vibe checked by god 5 times and he did NOT approve of me...like mf be frfr) i procastinate until like a day before the deadline cause i only work with pressure cause my brains just built like that(rushing calculus my beloved) I LOVE MATHS SO MUCH U CANT IMAGINE(and the cries of my discord besties cause the moment they go back on vc they see the discord whiteboard filled with god knows what) and im preeeeetty confident in myself unless someone genuinely compliments me,if that happens im just gonna disintegrate into dust

Likes:that one meme where the green guy from avengers goes "why is galora",yugioh,jumping into my friends random vc comedically 4 shits and giggles,resident evil,taking care of everyone(and not taking care of myself cause im a self aware hypocrite),DEBATES I LOVE THEM SM THEY GIVE ME SO MUCH ADRENALINE

Dislikes:when someone gets into my persona space toooooo much.oh and the fact that u can divide 91 by 7.literally unreal.and thunder??dunno it sets uncomfy in me i probably offended zeus in my past life or smth

Love language:

I dont know what that is....i mean like,id send whoever i get random memes i found at 3 am,shower thoughts??and hugs??and cuddles??and giving them reassuring words??does that count?

Extra:im bilingual(swedish,russian,korean,german) so i can make ppl say what seems like romantic words when its a deez nuts joke this is a flex btw.i pace around tasks pretty fast,sometimes im too lazy to get up sometimes i go around doing literally everything at once

Im sorry if this is confusing to u this is my first time doing this :((

i pair you with…

Ver Vermillion!

hear me out…

• you guys will absolutely nerd out over yugioh and will probably end up playfully arguing and malding over the other (i dont know much ab yugioh im sorry 💔💔)

• if you let him nerd out to you and rant to you about the most random things he will immediately fall in love

•likewise if you nerd out/rant to him he will fall in love bc the fact that you confide in him???

• similar to shu yaminerd, he is a huge nerd but hes better at hiding it

• call him a dork. he says he hates it but he loves it.

• YOU GUYS WILL HAVE MEME BATTLES.

• youll sit in discord vc, no sound except the little giggles erupting out while you read each others memes and random messages that you just keep on sending

• will randomly whip out the “why is galora” meme to make you laugh out loud in vc with others, on stream, etc even in public

• god, he loves your hair

• your cuddles up in his arms, half-asleep, and hes running his hands thru your hair AHHH

• will also send you hot-takes out of nowhere so you guys can debate on it solely because he knows how much you love it

• “banana pizza is good.”

• “soggy socks feel nice.”

• will also throw you random compliments because he knows its the only thing that will get you

• “are you a hot mom because damn mama you hot.”

• will assist you in sending deez nuts jokes to your friends in korean

• “내 불알을 빨아.”

RUNNERS UP: Shu Yamino, Doppio Dropscythe

[mariska]

i am having a horrible chronic pain and illness flareup today but i absolutely NEED to take a shower because its been way too many days now (i have been Extra Sick the past week or two-ish and have had even less energy than i do regularly which is. less than none. regularly. lmao 😞) but it Will flare up my symptoms even worse than it is right now and its very difficult to negotiate to my brain that i still have to take care of my body and myself despite that. but my brain is like. HYPERFIXATION DISTRACTION: U SHOULD DRAW NATHALIE (character i love who is canonically disabled and has very similar symptoms 2 my real life disability symptoms and is also my personal patron saint of comically bad chronic pain/illness circumstances)

and there is just. idk how to describe it. theres a really fucking stupid funny phenomenon that just happened in my brain where as soon as the hyperfixation side tried to sneak its lil Avoiding A Necessary Task By Focusing On Special Interest Thing Instead urge into my train of thought it IMMEDIATELY made the logical part of my brain go "oh, absolutely not. now you HAVE to go take a shower and brush your teeth and take care of yourself despite the horribleness of those things w ur current pain situation because ur fav chronic pain girlie Ms Nathalie EternalBedrest would actively disapprove of you sketching lil doodles of her to avoid a necessary health related task and knowing that she would be supremely disappointed in u if she was a real person and not a cartoon character is an even worse feeling than knowing that u will be in more pain post-shower".

so now i have to go do it. my brain is so hyperfixation and special interest oriented 24/7 that it just did an Olympic track race all by itself starting at "cant do it, worse pain incoming", running to "focus on something involving disabled character u love and relate to instead" and then crossed the finish line at "if she was real she'd scold you like you're a fucking child and that sucks so much. thats embarrassing as hell. she would hate ur stupid distraction doodles. why do u wanna make her more sad than she already is. she is so sad all of the time and u are not helping"

anyways once again Nathalie from My Most Embarrassing Special Interest Media has saved the day just by existing in a fictional realm and also in my personal brain all the time forever. thanks queen

[limeswithlemons]

my therapist said she knows exactly who i am while we were talking about how i don't know myself.

it scares the fuck out of me that she could know who i am when i don't. and it scares me that she notices everything. i'm so afraid to disappoint her when i tell her that i've been having so many setbacks recently. brushing my teeth is hard. showering is even harder. getting out of bed is also really hard.

i feel so incredibly disconnected from everyone and i dont know how to get it back.

my therapist recommended that i try to connect with myself first and see how that goes, but i'm having a really hard time even doing that. how am i supposed to connect with myself? i drove 45 minutes to get away from the light pollution because i wanted to watch the sunrise. instead, it rained, so all i saw were clouds. so i sat in my car, listening to the sound of the rain drops on the roof. it did feel peaceful, and i'm sure it'd have seemed even more so had i not been so fucking sad. everything is just so fucked right now. the only thing that's kind of working is my sleep, but even then, i keep waking up. i keep thinking about how different my life is now and how much it's going to continue to change.

i just want peace. a moment of peace. but every time i get close to that, i do something to fuck it up. because i am so terrified when something is calm. calm is unsafe for me. i was surrounded by so much chaos and when he was calm, i always knew it was a bad sign. i feel like i sabotage everything and i wish i could stop myself but i just get so afraid.

this is all so incredibly frustrating. i wanna go to a rage room, but i don't wanna do something that's going to make me feel closer to him in that way. i can't become like my father. i cant become like him, i cant become like him, i cant become like him.

but what if i already am? and it's already too late for me to turn back? what if everything about me that appears good is actually not good, and what if i end up hurting everybody that i think i care about? and not only will i have hurt them all, but i will also be alone. so deeply alone and terrified. what if i've just manipulated everybody into thinking i'm a kind person and i actually just really really suck? or what if there's only so much improvement that i'm capable of? and if i've reached that, where do i go from there?

it seems so much easier to stop caring. to stop trying to heal. it's just so fucking exhausting to be going down this road. i wanna believe that i deserve to be doing this. i really do. i wanna believe that i deserve peace and calm and kindness and gentleness, but what if i don't? i am spending so much time and money and energy on therapy and unlearning and relearning shit. i just am so fucking tired. i wish my therapist could just open up my brain and fix it and put me back together. but she can't. so next week i'll be sitting across from her on the couch, and i'll tell her about this, and she'll write everything down and look at me with her too kind brown eyes. and she'll try to give me reassurance but i don't know if i'll be able to believe it. and at this point i don't think i'll be able to keep myself from crying.

[actualsunflower]

complaining about changes and the immense stress they bring and also stupid societal standards

Long story short is I wanna cut my hair. My whole life I've been back and forth, very very long hair, then super short hair, back to really long, straight bald at one point... 3ish years I cut my hair when I started T (it had nothing to do with being a Real Boy or whatever I just wanted to) but now it's very long again. I really love my hair, I always have and it's always been the only thing I liked about myself. I also very heavily imparted this on Jay lol I've always cut and colored it myself too cause I dont trust anyone else

I look good with short hair, and I look good with long hair. But long hair is so hard and expensive to keep up with and it's hot and it's a pain to manage. It looks really good though because my hair is very fluffy, curly and thick. I also seriously freeeaakkkkkkkk when my hair touches my face or my neck wrong so it's pretty much always up in a bun or clipped up which is a downside or short hair cause I can't get it out of the way the same way. Can't have cute hair styles. But having cute hairstyles is also kinda a problem. Cause the people I live with are transphobic and they taught the toddler in the house to ask me very inappropriate questions and make stupid ass comments about 'girl hair' all the fucking time like so often I literally just go hungry, run out the front door as fast as possible, or don't go to the bathroom until they leave so no one can say/ask me anything. It's annoying as hell. But it has nothing to do with me wanting to cut my hair, idc about the stupid society standards of my hair equaling my gender. But I don't want THEM to see it as that. I don't want the stupid smug satisfaction. Because I KNOW they'll get the kid to start saying shit. My rm would probably deny that but I know they will, I'm not stupid if they didnt do shit like that the questions and comments wouldntve started in the first place. I want short hair cause it's easier and cheaper to take care of, because it's cute and I look good, plus the summer is coming up and my hair is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hot every single year But then. Theres the change. Oh my fucking GOD the CHANGE. I get so stressed and angry if my day even goes a tiny bit off schedule. THE TOLL??? OF LOOKING DIFFERENT?! Like I have schizophrenia and I very very frequently have hallucinations where I already don't look like myself imagine shaking that off and I REALLY DO LOOK DIFFERENT?! But like I said I've cut, dyed, shaved my hair a shit load of times through out my life! And every time it's been ok in the end. I get over it, it's no big deal in the end and grows back pretty fast, but taking that leap is very, very scary. And idk what to do. cause at this point it's all I think about, just cutting my hair and wanting to and I keep going into the bathroom with my scissors before I shower and brushing out my hair and looking at it but ultimately deciding not to. What am I supposed to do??? Schedule with my therapist and be like hey....... should I cut my hair? No I dont wanna talk about my stress or the austism or whatever I wanna talk about my hair lmao

Life would be so incredible if I could just go back and forth whenever without like, wigs cause then everyone would know of course cause irl you cant cut your hair long and back again. But god that would be incredible

[gabapentinblues]

1.4.2025 nightly journal

felt really awful when i woke up this morning. i hate waking up recently, been staying up later and sleeping later. i just feel so horrible when i wake up, like the day and just being conscious and being myself is just so crushing.

i wrote morning pages today and sat with my sad lamp on for a little bit, drank black coffee bc im out of oatmilk. had a protein yogurt for breakfast and took a shower, didnt wash my hair tho bc i dont wanna rinse all the color out of it too fast.

i didn't clean up or anything before i left. i will have to tomorrow. i'll also probably need to go to the store and drop off my rent check. hate that paying rent is a thing, we all just deserve places to live.

bitterly cold outside today. had to walk several blocks to where i parked my car. im behind the building right now so i'll have to remember to move in the morning too.

drove out to visit friends, we got brunch at a diner and i gave them bracelets i made. vi had to go to work so caddie and i went to the movies to get out of the house, then went to the mall. i got a candycane scented candle and some lotion.

it was nice to chat w caddie and spend time w her. i helped her pick out some new clothes and we talked about break ups and frustrating communication issues. i just always seem to end up feeling empty no matter what i do.

im trying so hard to beat this depression. i called my mom while i was driving home and checked in, said im trying to take care of myself. i don't know how i'll ever make it out of this and feel like my life is something i actually want to have. i feel like im just marking the time and filling the days for now.

today might be the first day in weeks i end up not self harming, although i cant say that for certain and i cant say that i care to stop either. but maybe. im trying to smoke less weed too, so often i just feel guilt and regret and like im trying to escape. my whole life just feels like searching for escape routes and ways to numb.

im back home now, drank a late night monster. gonna probably stay up for a bit. burning my new candle and gonna use my new lotion. just spending money on things to not feel empty.

today im grateful for the sun being out, having the money to fill up my gas tank and pay my rent, movie theaters, diners, cigarettes, shopping malls with friends, disappearing into the night, drive thrus, late night conversations, feeling less lonely for a second, feeling like things might end up okay for a moment, peppermint candles, spearmint lotion, face wash and warm blankets

[xxxg0ryygurlll13xxx]

i feel kinda bad abt taking my mental health/work day

like yea i get an insane amount of school work but theres ppl i go to school w who have practice, and rehersal and get it done. am i seriously this mentally weak and unstable?? that i get so stressed out and anxious over school i have to take a day to do it cause i cant do my work at school? really???? like i feel idk idk how i feel. i dont think guilty is the right word? but neither is weak? idk. but its bad. theres just so much going on in my family life too that im worried about and i keep trying to tell myself that this is ok and needed and i just have to get the work done but its so hard to not worry and get overanxious to the point i cant go to school. mental health is such a tricky thing and i know its important but i feel so bad when i take care of it. i will say i put on my insta note "needing to stay home from school to do schoolwork is crazy" and like 5 ppl from school have responded saying they do the same thing all the time cause its so necessary. that makes me feel less bad abt taking today off, well not really off im gonna spend my whole day working even tho thats what i did yesterday too after my PSAT and barely made a dent in my planner. its just its so much. so so so so much and i feel bad that other ppl can handle it but i cant. ik ppls brains are built different but how come i struggle so much in school and w school work and others just pass w As and dont even bat an eye???? ig stupid is how it makes me feel. guilty, weak, and stupid. its only october and i feel like im on a sinking ship, i have school to worry abt, loved ones in florida to worry abt, my mas health to worry abt, my health to worry abt, keeping the house at least kinda clean to worry abt, plans to worry abt, social things to worry abt, so much to worry abt. also slightly unrelated but i have a dr appt to go to on saturday and get to skip out on helping w open house at my school and trying to explain to my friend why no she wouldnt rather spend her saturday talking w her mothers spinal surgeon about how she could be paralyzed for the rest of her life, or how her back conditions could kill her. id rather work open house but she insisted i was "lucky" to miss out. i just feel so overwhelmed already. its only october and my mental health is already at such an edge that i cant go to school. ik that going where i go will be good in the long run and the adults around me are constantly telling me that but idk if its worth it since who knows if ill even make it to the long run. they keep insisting that too. ignoring my mental health concerns and just saying that i go to such a good school and my diploma will help me much more than if i went to public school. which is all tru but it shouldnt be at the cost of my mental, and physical health. they say itll make college easier but if this is supposed to prep me for college idk if i can make it another 4 years of this.

im not happy anymore. not long term anyways like sure hoco was fun and i was happy, i was happy getting ready and dancing but as soon as it ended i wasnt happy anymore. i was back to my now usual empty kind of sadness. i watch shows, play games, and make art that usually makes me happy and it doesnt anymore. i stopped drawing for pleasure, only watch shows and yt series to get it over with and havent touched any games in a long time. nothings fun anymore. everyone is so happy, going to parties, hanging out, having fun but here i am practically drowning trying to even crack a smile. ive started just doing the bare minimum for myself to survive. school, sleep, eating, showers basic things. ive abandoned most of my hobbies and ik thats not good for me but i just cant bring myself to do them. i wanna be happy and i dont want ppl ik to worry so i just kinda fake it hoping no one will notice and maybe i can make other ppl happy. im lonely, sad, anxious, guilty, depressed. i should be excited abt things but everything feels like an obligation now. im just trying to go abt life trying not to die and thats pretty much it.