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rynzii-419 · 3 years ago

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I’ve been reading about this study on psychology and it talked about this thing, “positive sentiment override” vs “negative sentiment override” and so, of course, I connected it to apologist discourse.

Bit of warning; this is going to talk about Dream in a negative light, and I’m going to reference Tommy and Wilbur in a positive light. The point of this is to show why I think common interpretations of Wilbur and Dream are exaggerated, and I try to talk about Wil critically too even though normally thats a bit harder for me, which is actually related to the psychology thing I’m gonna talk about here. So yeah, please read this if apologist discourse something you’re interested in! I try to make this readable and unbiased as best as I can. (I say this but the point here is to talk about misconceptions and exaggerations about Wilbur and Dream, meaning I say why I think Dream isn’t as deserving of forgiveness as the fandom treats him and Wilbur isn’t as deserving of the hate he gets, but I really feel like this one isn’t biased.)

Alright, first I want to explain positive sentiment override (im gonna abbreviate it to “pso”). Pso is something I see used on Dream a lot, where people will see someone do something negative and think “oh well they probably had a reasonable explanation for that”.

Negative sentiment override (nso) is what I see used on Wilbur (like all the time). This is where someone will do something even positive and people will look on with skepticism and think “that was manipulation.” (ex. The reaction to every conversation he’s had with ranboo)

While its great to look for reasoning behind a character’s actions, and great to have skepticism about a darker character’s motives, its also taken too far in these cases very often.

Okay here’s where I get a little critical of Dream. The reason that I believe he isn’t very deserving of this “benefit of the doubt” he gets so often is because:

He isn’t apologetic for any of his actions. Now, we could go back and forth all day on whether his treatment of L’manburg was right or not, but we all know that his behavior with Tommy in exile was wrong. The thing is that Dream doesn’t agree. He even says in the prison when Tommy got trapped in there, “this is gonna be so much fun, just like exile” (paraphrasing, im sorry </3). When a character shows no remorse for actions that are inherently evil (like theres no getting around that Dream in exile was evil), it makes me feel as if they cant be treated as if they’re redeemable. Of course, he could be redeemed, but i can’t see that happening to him until he apologizes to Tommy and Tubbo and distances himself from them entirely. The problem is that i don’t see that happening at this point.

He showed signs of being a bad person/friend before exile. Again, I’m actually not even going to address L’manburg because that’s something that people disagree on often, so here I’d rather talk about Sapnap and Dream’s relationship and why I believe that was very unhealthy. After Dream’s speech about Spirit and how he doesn’t care about anything other than the discs (and its implied that he really meant tommy but thats besides the point), Sapnap instantly took that as meaning Dream didn’t care about him. Now some people hear that as “Sapnap is such a bad friend, he immediately assumed the worst out of Dream, how could be be so rude?” What i see that as is a sign that Dream probably wasn’t a very good friend himself. I also had a situation similar to this, where i had a friend who was really trashy (but i didn’t realize at the time) and I was always scared that they would ditch me. A lot like Sapnap, I would ask “do you think they’ll leave me?” then go back and say “haha, no, thats irrational, isnt it”. The problem is, those kinds of fears often aren’t based off of nothing. They come from an understanding of how that friend treats others, and the fear that they feel the same way for you. I think Sapnap saw how Dream treated others and didnt care much for his relationships and that made him scared for his own friendship, and rightfully so, as we saw later.

Dream was unapologetically manipulative and abusive continuously. A few spur of the moment actions would be an unhealthy mental state, but continued and premeditated abuse without remorse is a… really bad sign.

WILBUR TIME!! At long last aha. Now, this is where i speak POSITIVELY about Wilbur. I’ll throw in some crit dont worry <3. So here’s why I dont believe that Wilbur is deserving of the amount of hate he gets:

Wilbur has shown at least an attempt to apologize to people, which goes against his usual mentality. He’s a very prideful character, and he hasn’t apologized much in the past i believe. While he’s nowhere near better mentally than he was on Nov 16, he’s shown that he’s trying.

While he has manipulated people since his revival, it’s all been spur of the moment reactions. No continuous decisions, like I mentioned with Dream. Its likely that they come from his delusions/paranoia (which he still suffers from, isolation does not heal mental illness).

I believe that the times that we see him being most genuine are when he’s with Ranboo, since Ranboo is a nonjudgmental person who Wilbur has related to and feels is a blank slate for him to talk to. We’ve heard him open up about his motives a lot, such as feeling as if everyone is scared of him. That’s further pushed by the fact that cc!Wilbur confirmed that when he said that Quackity is the only one that makes him feel human since he’s not scared to question Wilbur.

I think this is the big one: Wilbur recognizes that he was in the wrong in Pogtopia. He sees that he hurt Tommy and regrets it, which I think is really important to remember. Simple as that. He said he sees Tommy look at him with the same eyes as he did in Pogtopia, which makes me believe he would want to be better. I would talk about what i believe Wilbur’s motives throughout Pogtopia was here but I think that’s a post for another dayz

Alright uh thats it i think, sorry this was so long i was just havin a lotta thoughts about it, ya know? This is open to discussion i think, i just really enjoyed writing this out :D

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surfalldaybaby · 5 years ago

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”A Very Long and Comprehensive Analysis of Feyre’s Experience w/ Trauma and Abuse

- This is not a kind analysis of Nesta but please still read it if you want. It’s not in the wrong tags tho so please don’t rant about how much you love Nesta. I love that for you. Personally, I hate her. :)

Also- I use many of the quotes that @feysandlover and @dont-rattle-aelin used to prove her point that Nesta is abusive because she pulled many of the really jarring ones.

I was looking through the Rhysand tag and for some reason someone posted something comparing Nesta and Feyre in terms of their trauma, and they said that Nesta had experienced way more trauma than Feyre and I-

That’s disgusting.

First - don’t compare trauma

Second- they were wrong and lacked critical thinking skills that left out Feyre’s full experience with abuse

Nesta was sexually assaulted ( which nobody talks about enough) and her family’s fortune flipped making them poor overnight. Because of this she fostered anger towards her father. I get that. I sympathize with that. She is then taken away from her life and forcefully changed into fae. I cannot imagine what that felt like for her. It must have been devastating. Her whole identity was shifted in one day and she went from hating fae to being fae. Confusing and overwhelming. She then goes into war and develops PTSD and depression from her experiences. She sees her father die and is unable to reconcile her anger and his death. It’s horrible and I cannot even begin to understand the depth of her emotions here. I have zero issue saying that about Nesta because it’s true she has gone through extaordinary trauma and I cannot imagine how she fully feels. She deals with this trauma in unhealthy ways because they only exacerbate her feelings of worthlessness. Not her fault. However, she also treats Mor and Feyre and Rhys in disrespectful ways and Cassian and her have an unhealthy dynamic where they insult each other. Her and Amren have a shaky and partner like relationship but it is by no means a sturdy one. Az and Nesta don’t seem to have a relationship at all. She has no true healthy relationship with anyone but Elain, and you could argue even that is not truly healthy.

Much of Nesta’s trauma is due to extraneous factors and a multitude or variables. It’s valid and it matters just as much as Feyres. They are both real. However the amount of traumatic experiences she has gone through does not come close to rivaling that of Feyre’s and to even try and compare them is disgusting. Trauma should never be compared but I want to show Feyre’s experience in a broader light to show her development from a scared girl to high lady

Feyre was never an active abuser in any relationship she was always the one being abused. Nesta was abused and she was also the abuser. It is important to point that out because it heavily impacts Feyre’s story.

Also, I believe the reason Feyre became so accustomed and slipped so easily into being a victim to Tamlins abuse is because Feyre was already the victim of emotional abuse from her sisters. We see this everyday, research shows that victims of abuse go back to abusive relationship and form new relationships that center around abuse because they are used to it and find it comforting. This is an extraneous point that you can agree with or can argue against it’s just a personal connection I made. However, it is very evident how Nesta and Elains treatment of Feyre affects her. She has no self confidence, she remains illiterate and with no real knowledge of polite manners ( something important in the real world, something that holds her back from being able to assimilate into the real world), her spirit is broken down at home because she knows that verbal attacks are going to come and Nesta is going to lash out and say horrible disgusting things to her if she asks her to do something or holds her accountable for her lack of work. She is constantly degraded for everything that she does and it has a pronoucned effect on her psyche throughout the trilogy and novella.

Like Nesta, Feyre also had to go through her family losing their fortune, she also had to bear the weight of her promise to her mother, she had to support her sisters financially going into the forest alone to hunt animals just as big as herself at 14. She never had money for herself because her sisters took it from her. Like they literally took all her money to buy things they did not need, leaving Feyre with basically nothing.

“I’d love a new cloak,” Elain said at last with a sigh, at the same moment Nesta rose and declared: “I need a new pair of boots.””“I kept quiet, knowing better than to get in the middle of one of their arguments, but I glanced at Nesta’s still-shiny pair by the door. Beside hers, my too-small boots were falling apart at the seams, held together only by fraying laces... I drowned them out as they began quarreling over who would get the money the hide would fetch tomorrow…”

And Nesta complains and whines and doesn’t stop gaslighting Feyre because of her lack of hard work. But, she doesn’t want to do work herself because she thinks it’s beneath her.

“I thought you were going to chop wood today. Nesta picked at her long, neat nails. “I hate chopping wood. I always get splinters. She glanced up from beneath her dark lashes. Of all of us, Nesta looked the most like our mother—especially when she wanted something. “Besides, Feyre,” she said with a pout, “you’re so much better at it! It takes you half the time it takes me. Your hands are suited for it—they’re already so rough.” My jaw clenched. “Please,” I asked, calming my breathing, knowing an argument was the last thing I needed or wanted. “Please get up at dawn to chop that wood.” I unbuttoned the top of my tunic. “Or we’ll be eating a cold breakfast.” Her brows narrowed. “I will do no such thing!”

She doesn’t care about Feyre or the fact that starving is their new reality. Poverty is what they live in. We all know if Feyre didn’t go hunting Nesta would be furious at Feyre and belittle her and make her feel small and responsible for their hunger.

“Take those disgusting clothes off.”

“Any bit of praise for anyone—me, Elain, other villagers—usually resulted in her dismissal.”

“Is there a problem, Feyre?” She flung my name like an insult, and my jaw ached from clenching it so hard.”

“You stink like a pig covered in its own filth. Can’t you at least try to pretend that you’re not an ignorant peasant?”c“Take those disgusting clothes off.”

“What do you know?” Nesta breathed. “You’re just a half-wild beast with the nerve to bark orders at all hours of the day and night. Keep it up, and someday—someday, Feyre, you’ll have no one left to remember you, or to care that you ever existed.” She stormed off, Elain darting after her, cooing her sympathy.

Then Tamlim comes and kidnaps her. More trauma. She falls in love with him, I think partly because of Stockholm Syndrome and also because he shows her a level of kindness that she was not given at home, and then he disappears so she has to go back to her life with her sisters. Her sisters have all the benefits of her being stolen away bcs Feyre was able to provide their old house and wealth back through Tamlin’s gift. Her sisters literally never did anything to provide for themselves or help their father or sister. If you really think about that situation as a whole it’s devastating. Then she goes to save Tamlin and finds that her home and her loved one was basically destroyed. She goes to save him.

While under the mountain Amarantha humiliates and tortures her for fun. She makes her run around trying to get away from a monster, her illiteracy is exploited for amusement while she is under pressure of death by fire, she is forced to kill fae in order to save her love, and she has to suffer with her injuries in a basement where everyone is rooting against her.

Then she fucking dies. And like Nesta she is forced to become fae in order to survive. Like she can’t catch a break. Her whole life has really just been horrible and so traumatic. A series of abuses.

That’s not even all! She goes home and is deeply depressed and struggling with PTSD and Tamlin, who she literally was tortured and died to save, takes advantage of her sexually because he is too scared to acknowledge that she is struggling. He uses her body for his pleasure while she throws up every night after he leaves her bedroom due to the nightmares she gets from saving hundreds of fae. She is also forced to fit into a box that she doesn’t want- wearing dresses, pretending to be happy, becoming a figurehead as Tamlins bride knowing that it means she will have to be submissive and have children. Lucien emotionally abused her and ignores her obvious depression because of his own fear of what Tamlin would say. He is a bystander. She is so broken that she stops caring about everything, even painting, the one thing she always loved. Then he traps her in his house which is traumatizing again because she was just trapped under the mountain! Even the people she loved, the people she trusted, continually can’t stop abusing her.

She finds happiness and stability later on after intensive work on herself, and months of building healthy relationships, but she is still troubled because of the guilt she feels from the townsfolks anger and their sense of righteousness for her actions even though she did the best she could in every circumstance. When she goes to try and save those townspeople it becomes clear that Nesta still hates her. She shows Feyre no kindness. The only reason she is allowed to use the house, the one that Feyre got for them, was because of Elain. Even after that Nesta insults her repeatedly for being fae. Those statments from the first book that I quoted higher up in this post are just a small part of how she speaks to Feyre in the following three books after she finds out that she is fae. Even after Feyre saves her and supports her she continues abusing and blaming Feyre. She continues to insult. degrade, shame, and humiliate her to uplift her own lack of self worth. Its a technique to stop her own insecurity and depression but it is in no way excusable. It’s no wonder Rhysand hates her. She abused his mate for years- something that he experienced under the mountain (shame, gaslighting, and humiliation). That is her life. She goes on to see her father murdered. She suffered so much in such a short amount of time is a wonder she wasn’t more broken.

Don’t come to me saying Nesta experienced more trauma to prove your point that Nesta is a good person and not responsible for her actions because she “feels to much” and is a woman that is cruel, and prideful, and unapologetic “bcs that’s who she is.” She has to be held accountable for her actions, her attitude, and her lack of words and apologies to everyone she wronged- especially her sister.

Feyre sacrifices her childhood, her body, her mental health, and her life in order to provide the stability that her sisters felt was their norm. They are inherently priviledged because of that sacrifice. They felt and still feel entitled to her money, and her loyalty, and that of her friends and mate. They survive because of Feyre. And Feyre never once called them out on their behavior, not even when they continually disrespected her after she provided them with a place to live and money to live off of. This was due to her feelings of guilt and the trauma that she had continually been victim to as a child and in Tamlins court.

Some of y’all use the excuse that they never asked Feyre to do any of that and I’m genuinely appalled that that is even a response to her genuine sacrifice. Her mother asked her to take care of them. Nobody was stepping up. Nesta was not going to go into the forest and neither was Elain, both for different but equally disappointing reasons. They both would have let the family starve. Also, Nesta and Elain were both older than her. Elain and Nesta as Feyre’s old sisters should have, and had a responsibility, to ensure that Feyre didn’t have to do what she did. Their apathy and ungrateful attitude is disgusting. Disgusting and unforgivable. Sure, Feyre may have been able to do it but she never should have had to. The three of them should have figured out a plan of equal work to give and take and survive. Y’all saying that Feyre never had to do that I- ... do you not have a family? Do you not have loved ones? You don’t have to do something to help your family, but you do it anyway because you love them and you hate to see them suffer. It’s just that usually you aren’t being exploited and taken advantage of at 14, for years on end, because the sentiment is usually reciprocated.

Perhaps if they had taken better care of their younger sister she would not have been in the woods and killed the fae. Perhaps all three of them would have bore the brunt of their fathers injury together and made a family. Perhaps if she hadn’t killed the fae in the forest when she was starving due to her sisters laziness, Elain and Nesta would never have been forced into being fae.

They neglected Feyre. They aren’t as responsible for her as their father ofc but they actively neglected her and Nesta even slut shamed her for her consensual sexual relationship with Isaac. The one thing she had that her sisters couldn’t take and Nesta called her filthy and disgusting for it.

“At least I don’t have to resort to rutting in the hay with Isaac Hale like an animal.”

Nesta remains unapologetic and to me she is not a feminist character. Sarah J Mass tried to use her as that trope to fulfill her idea of a “powerful woman” icon but she’s just a cruel and traumatized woman who people let off the hook. She gets away with it because she gaslights other characters while taking no responsibility for herself. She was abused and traumatized herself but that’s never an excuse for her in turn abusing someone else.

Now I don’t mean to say that Nesta or Elain are irredeemable. Frankly I think they both have potential to be good characters if they just apologized to Feyre in the next book, and really put those sentiments into actions. I do think Nesta is a bad person right now, I think she’s an abuser. And I think it’s hard for abusers to change their pattern of abuse. Elain is less of an outright abuser and more complicit in the abuse. I don’t know if either of them can change, but they definitely won’t if people keep letting them off the hook for their disgusting behavior. I am not impressed or charmed by either of them. Until they show a hint of gratitude and remorse to their sister because as y’all can tell she went through hell to make sure they were taken care of. Not to say that they didn’t do anything for Feyre. They both had important roles to play in the war, and they do have their moments of kindness and bravery and showed they cared for Feyre but abusers can be kind and considerate and brave one minute and then switch up just as fast. It’s about showing a consistent pattern of respect and love.

Just because Feyre took care of Elain and Nesta their whole damn life does not mean she has to be responsible for them as high lady. Also she is not responsible for knowing how to deal with their trauma. Her own abuse, and lack of real world experience- because Nesta and Elain never taught her to read, and Nesta continually degraded and made cruel remarks to Feyre about her lack of manners “ disgusting pig, take off your clothes didn’t anyone teach you ...” (manners she didn’t develop because she was in the forest)- means she is not perfect at confronting Nestas PTSD or depression. Feyre’s intention was always good, whereas you can’t tell me that Nestas was good and pure. She is not exempt from being respectful and kind because she is hurt and has mental illnesses. She is not exempt from apologizing because she “feels to much.”

This applies to all of the IC as well. They are all healing. They all experienced trauma that rivals what Feyre went through. It’s no wonder they built a family from that shared bond. They are healing together- not healed. Nesta is not entitled to Feyre’s care or her friends kindness. She is not entitled to be added into the group painting or their secret jokes or parties because she continues to push them all away. Then she insults them and disrespects them. The inner circle has already suffered so much they are not exactly going to be open to accepting Nesta knowing her history and her current actions and remarks, and the history of the IC. Do y’all not remember Mors family nailing a stake into her body for losing her virginity? Or Cassian, Az, and Rhys being forced to bond together to survive, being called bastards, and being ganged up on by all their peers? Rhys being sexually abused for 50 years and seeing his parents murdered? Az being stuck in a basement so long he became the shadows and his hands being burned so badly they were hard to look at? Or Amren being in the wrong body for centuries and still she and all of the IC remain a family because they try to understand each other and their experiences. Nesta was not only rude to them she was cruel and spiteful, especially to their high lady, and they don’t need an excuse, but especially as victims of abuse, they are not perfect, and they sure as hell are not obligated to embrace Nesta into their family. The IC and Feyre deserve better.

A lot of people have posed the argument that if Nesta was male everyone would love her but I disagree. If an older brother let his sister go hunting alone in the woods for years while sitting on his ass, slut shamed her and called her dirty and disgusting, blamed her for her family’s poverty and spoke to her like she was trash for years and years, verbally and emotionally belittled her, felt entitled to her possessions and her kindness while they were both struggling to heal from abuse, predisposes his sister to accepting abuse as a form of relationship, and then rather than apologize “steels [her] back” and says nothing-not even an apology or a thank you for saving their life tenfold- he would never even have gotten a redemption story, or a mate, let alone a 700 page book. He would be the most hated character in the series but because it’s Nesta and she’s a woman and y’all pose her as this feminist it’s okay that shes abusive all throughout the series.

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uncloseted · 3 years ago

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i related to effy an unhealthy amount when i was only 13 when i first watched it, but at the time i wasnt doing drugs, homewrecking, doing anything that young lol. however i was extremely mentally ill but undiagnosed, and so confused but i found solace in effys character because of how similar i felt to her. flashforward to being 20 now and im a nic addict/borderline drug and alcohol addict that forgets to take my prescribed antidepressants and antipsychotics. i cant tell you how many events of effys life have mirrored mine now 7 years later, both the pretty but mostly the ugly. it all feels like a joke to me, and the thing is of course it wasnt effy the fictional character that did this to me, it was the fact that i was genetically and epically set up to do this to me for as long as i existed and i saw myself in her too young. everyone ive ever met and started to befriend has fallen in love with me, has found me beautiful, and then seen my flaws and hated me even if they didnt tell me to my face. ive been a horrible friend and partner and im flighty and unreliable and destructive. i never saw effy, or a person like effy, find a happy ending and im afraid even when im at my manic highs i will never find a lasting happiness and will always accidentally self sabotage until i die. what im trying to ask is, how can i save me? i know its dumb to ask a random tumblr user but ive been following this blog since i was 13-14 and since you know effy through and through, you might know a little about me. its a long shot. (i’d also like to say this isnt a cry for help and im safe/not actively suicidal so i dont want you to feel like theres any pressure like that, but i did use this ask box as a free therapy session.)

I'm a bit biased, but I don't think there's anything wrong with asking a random Tumblr user at all. I'm happy to be a free therapy session when you need one, and I'm really touched that you've trusted me with your thoughts and feelings for so long. Hopefully I've been some help over the years 😆

Coping with mental illness can be really, really hard, but the good news is that with the right tools and support system, you can absolutely recover. It sounds like you already have a psychiatrist in your life, which is a great start. If you've having trouble remembering to take your medication, it might help to set calendar reminders on your phone, set up text prompts to remind you to take your pills, to link taking your pills with something else you do every day (like brushing your teeth or eating breakfast), or to reward yourself for taking your medication (for example, putting a piece of candy in your pill box that you can eat after taking your pill).

If you don't have one already, a therapist might also be a good idea. It can take a while to find the right therapist for you, so schedule a few appointments and see which therapist you "click" with. A therapist can help you work through any reluctance you might have towards taking you medications, as well as helping you come up with day to day strategies that help you achieve your goals and helping you work through the beliefs that you hold about yourself and the world that may be holding you back.

Moving on to talking about addiction for a bit. I strongly believe that addiction doesn't come from some type of inherent lack of willpower or moral failing, or even really the drug itself. It's the need to escape reality. And that's actually supported by scientific literature; most famously, the Rat Park experiment by Bruce K Alexander. Practically, we've seen that same thing in the aftermath of Portugal's decision to decriminalize all drugs. They took the money they were using to keep drug users in prison, and instead invested that money into reconnecting people who struggle with addiction to society. Their goal was to make sure that every person who struggles with addiction has a reason to get up in the morning and has a support system within the wider society. And it actually worked- injection drug use is down 50%, overdoses and HIV infections have massively decreased, and rates of addiction decreased as well. It's much easier to quit when you have something motivating you to keep going.

Why am I telling you all of this? I guess what I'm trying to get at is in order to recover from addiction, I think first people need to understand what the reality is that they're trying to escape. What can be done about those issues? Who's in your corner trying to support you, even if they're not doing the best job at it? Where else can you get the social support you might need? What are you passionate about? What would make it feel worth it to get up in the morning? I think instead of focusing on the drugs, or the alcohol, or the cigarettes, maybe we should focus on solving the root problems that make those attractive options. That's one of the reasons a therapist is a really good idea; they can help you figure out what those root problems are, and provide resources and tools to help you fix those problems.

In terms of practical, do it yourself advice for dealing with addiction, there are a couple things you might try. I did a whole post on evidence-based ways to set goals and follow through on them here, so I won't rehash it in this post, but basically:

Try to set goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time bound. For you, this might be something like "My goal is to have only one drink a day (measurable and achievable) for week (time bound) so that I can be more reliable for my friends (relevant)".

Instead of trying to quit something, replace it with something else. For example, "when I feel like smoking, I'm going to do ten minutes of learning Korean instead". Learning something new is easier and more exciting, and so new habits are easier to maintain that breaking old ones. Find a new hobby that you've always wanted to do or that's exciting to you, and try to focus your energies on that to distract yourself.

Identify any obstacles (such as environmental triggers) that you might run into, and develop contingency plans for working around them. This might be something like, "when I drink coffee in the morning, I want to smoke, so I'm going to switch to tea instead." If you can, get rid of all environmental triggers that might remind you of your addiction or trigger a craving.

Get someone else involved. Tell a friend about your goal and have them check up on you. Your fear of disappointing them will help you stay on track.

Put money on the line. Give money to a friend with the understanding that you'll get it back at a set date if you've achieved the goal you set. Tell your friend that if you fail, they should donate the money to a group or cause you really hate.

Write down the reasons you want to quit, and put them somewhere you know you'll see them. Whenever you want to engage in an addiction behavior, read through that list first.

For bonus points, add to that list your contingency plan for when you want to engage in an addiction behavior. These may include ways to redirect your attention or distract yourself until the craving passes.

76% of people who wrote down their goals, actions and provided weekly progress to a friend successfully achieved their goals.

You might also try an addiction recovery app, such as these, or doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy worksheets on your own if you can't access a therapist right now.

There are also some things you can try in order to improve your mood. As much as I hate that this is true, consistent exercise has a huge impact on mood. If you can, try taking a 20 minute walk outside, 3 times a week. Other (boring) things, like making sure you're getting 7-9 hours of sleep a night and eating regularly, can also make a big difference in mood. Some of you might know that I'm a little bit obsessed with the free Coursera class "The Science of Well-Being". It has a lot of great evidence-based tips and tricks for how to build happiness, and I highly recommend it if you're trying to live a happier life. These include things like journaling, meditating, noting things that you're grateful for, helping other people, and having regular social interactions.

Finally, a few philosophical thoughts. One of the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism is dukkha. Basically, this is the idea that suffering is an innate characteristic of existence in our world. When I was younger, I never liked this concept, but I think now I kind of get it. It's impossible to be happy 100% of the time, and that shouldn't be our goal. Suffering is the comparison by which our lives gain meaning. But we can do our best to minimize our suffering and the suffering of others, and ride the wave of suffering when it does come. And each time we ride that wave, we can learn techniques to manage it a little bit better, and to make it easier the next time. We will sometimes sabotage ourselves out of fear, but we can learn how to do it less frequently and for the consequences to be less dire. We can learn how to forgive ourselves for our flaws and what we've done in the past, and learn from those mistakes so we don't do them again in the future. It's also okay to backslide, to struggle even after you've made progress. You're never back where you started, because you've always learned more and experienced more.

I know I've thrown kind of a lot at you in this post, and I don't expect you to try all of it or for all of it to work, but hopefully something in there is helpful to you. You can get through this. You can save yourself, but please, also remember to let others help save you. You don't need to do this on your own. And just like I have been since you were 13, I'm always here to give a free therapy session and to lend my support ❤️❤️❤️

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amhohwa · 4 years ago

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「 headcanon questions | accepting 」 —asked by @holographic-confidence, @exhuntra, @gueyveloz, @diamondtrail, @kiiingkobra, @lovclythief, @paquectric, @illusionage.

016. WHAT IS HIS WEAPON OF CHOICE? in the arena, he likes a few different types of weapons. im also biased so he likes the weapons that i like since he’s my main LOL. ideal loadout is a volt smg + r-301 carbine, though he’d also be satisfied with r-301 + charge rifle or r-301 + longbow dmr.

for any reconnaissance missions or other outside-the-arena activities, he favors a silenced pistol and a data knife.

also, of course, using hack as a bludgeoning weapon. he likes doing that quite a bit.

019. IF HE COULD HAVE A SUPERPOWER, WHAT WOULD HE CHOOSE? time travel. :^)

023. WHAT DOES HE CONSIDER BEAUTIFUL IN OTHERS PHYSICALLY? movement and posture. there’s something about the way a person carries themself, whether it’s with graceful poise, a tall and strong posture, or a confident swagger that crypto admires. probably because he tries to make himself as unobtrusive possible, to move through the world without being noticed too much. others who can carry themselves with confidence, not caring if anyone is watching them—he finds that really beautiful.

024. WHAT DOES HE CONSIDER UGLY IN OTHERS PHYSICALLY? this is hard just because i dont think he really cares what a person looks like when it comes to attraction. he’s definitely a believe that ugliness is something that shows in you because of your actions and your personality.

bad breath and bad teeth are up there though LOL

025. WHAT DOES HE CONSIDER BEAUTIFUL IN OTHERS PERSONALITY-WISE? kindness and optimism, even when faced with really difficult or terrible circumstances. he finds it really admirable that some people don’t feel the need to harden up and close themselves off in response to their trauma and hardships.

026. WHAT DOES HE CONSIDER UGLY IN OTHERS PERSONALITY-WISE? blatant and extreme cruelty. like, yeah, he’s a huge dick himself and he can say some mean things at times, but he’s definitely not the type to revel in making other people’s lives hell for the fun of it and he’s disgusted by people who do.

027. WHAT IS HIS IDEA OF PERFECT HAPPINESS? right now crypto thinks he’ll be happy if he can clear his name, reunite with mila, and go home to suotamo and mystik. of course all of us know that is not a realistic dream and it’s never going to happen because he is unable to come to grips with the fact that he will never go back to his old life.

028. WHAT MAKES HIM LAUGH OUT LOUD? sadly nothing really does :/ it really would take a lot for that to happen. either some kind of unexpected funny thing happening or some kind of absurd statement or joke or something like that. crypto’s not a laugher, sorry 😔

029. WHAT SORT OF SENSE OF HUMOR DOES HE HAVE? on the surface? a very mean sense of humor. insults, ‘playful’ ribbing, calling everyone that’s not natalie an idiot, etc. he also enjoys sarcasm a great deal as well as deadpan humor just to fuck with people.

but he’s also not immune to a good pun (’data way,’ for example)

030. DOES HE BELIEVE IN THE AFTERLIFE? no, not really. he’s an atheist and doesn’t think there’s anything waiting for us after we die.

031. IS HE SUPERSTITIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING? not in the way this question is asking, no. he’s too much of a realist/left-brain for anything like that.

032. DOES HE BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? no (see above)

033. DOES HE KEEP HIS PROMISES? i feel like crypto makes very few promises to anyone he doesn’t trust because yes, he does actually try to keep them.

034. WHAT’S HIS VIEW OF LYING? big big fan of lying over here. love it, will do it until he dies, 10/10 because to him lying = security.

035. WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE CRYPTO LIVES BY? trust nothing and no one.

038. WHAT BAD HABITS DOES HE HAVE? where to even start! LOL

he has a plethora of bad habits. some of the more obvious are:

not getting enough sleep/pushing himself to stay up all night

not eating consistent meals

vaping

overworking

but then there are some less obvious ones like pushing people away, freezing people out, distrusting EVERYONE, and all his other little paranoid habits like:

scanning everyone who comes to his home for weapons

setting up surveillance cams around places he frequents

not eating food made by others/that doesn’t come in a sealed container

maintaining a minimalist lifestyle specifically because he will have to run again in the future

crypto is an unhealthy mess!

039. WHAT DO THEY THINK IS THE WORST THING THAT CAN BE DONE TO A PERSON? hmmm this is a hard one. because there’s the very obvious answer of, like, being tortured or assaulted and really terrible things like that but maybe those things go without saying. so in his opinion, the worst thing that can happen to a person is becoming completely stripped of their identity. it is so alienating and othering to have who you are at your core foundationally upended

046. HOW DOES HE HANDLE GETTING SICK? like most things, crypto doesn’t handle it much at all LOL. once he realizes he’s getting sick he pushes himself through it as much as he possibly can to keep working/fighting/whatever until he physically collapses from it, whether that’s literally fainting or just falling into bed at night and waking up the next morning too sick to move. then he just lays there and hopes it passes quickly. he is horrible at self-care

049. HOW DOES CRYPTO FEEL ABOUT GROWING OLD? this is maybe a little morbid but crypto doesn’t have many feelings about growing old at the moment because he doesn’t think he’s going to live to being an old man. either the Syndicate is going to kill him or he’s going to die trying to take them down

050. HOW DOES CRYPTO FEEL ABOUT HIS OWN MORTALITY? he accepts his own mortality, and even if he’s not happy about it and even if he will fight it with gnashing teeth and claws, he accepts that he is going to die, probably soon. he’s just working to try and make it so that isn’t a thing that happens

051. IF HE KNEW HE WOULD DIE TOMORROW, WHAT WOULD CRYPTO DO TODAY? send a letter to mystik. try to get a message to mila. then he’d come up with some elaborate plan to try and really fuck things up for the Syndicate. sure it probably wouldn’t matter in the long run since they’re a huge conglomerate and have so much power but he can at least get some people thinking. so something like taking down a big rig of theirs or even just fucking up one of the arenas. something like that

068. HOW STRONG IS CRYPTO’S SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY? WHAT KINDS OF THINGS TRIGGER IT? hmmm i think crypto has a strong sense of responsibility, just generally speaking. like he keeps his living space neat and does his work on his own time and puts forth effort in the game and all that stuff. he is a very hard-working and dutiful person. i don’t think there’s anything that really ‘triggers�� it either because it’s either he does these things, or he doesn’t, but the only person who cares if he does or not is himself.

072. IN A DUNGEONS & DRAGONS GAME, WHICH CLASS WOULD YOUR CHARACTER BE? i’ve spent an embarrassing amount of time thinking about this. if he was playing as a character, crypto would be a Divination Wizard for a couple of reasons. first and foremost being that of course he would get access to spells that rely all around foresight and knowledge and that’s what he’s all about—knowing more about everything going on than anyone else. he’d also favor spells that deal lightning damage. the second reason is that the main stat for wizards is Intelligence and u know he’s gotta have that 20 INT babey.

in my D&D au, though, crypto is a multi-classed Divination Wizard and Inquisitve Rogue. started out as a divination wizard as tae joon but then took up some rogue-like skills after going on the run. i picked Inquisitive Rogue because they’re all about perceiving little details and stuff like that. i know that’s more WIS and less INT but it suits crypto imho.

074. WHAT IS CRYPTO’S FAVORITE GAME? sorry in advance that im not going to pick just one. he likes a lot of different kinds of games, but i think his favorite kinds are horror games, games of strategy, and fighting games. so, stuff like detention, dead space, cultist simulator, portal, tekken, street fighter, etc.

078. HOW EMOTIONALLY STABLE IS YOUR CHARACTER? heeeeeee is not LOL. i mean, the reason he keeps such a tight grip on his persona and his emotions is because he’s like one misstep away from a total meltdown. he’s never properly grieved or mourned about what happened to him and having to go on the run, and now he can’t show any kind of emotion because that equals some kind of weakness or chink in the armor.

but under that armor he feels things INTENSELY. everyone gets on his nerves so easily, and everything that’s happened to him in the games so far is piling on: being framed as the mole, having to tell natalie his name, and now pathfinder/caustic. and thats not even touching on his crippling paranoia. it’s a lot from him and he is barely keeping it together. he’s just good at hiding it.

even so, it manifests in all the little ways, right? so like how he cant even enjoy a meal without wondering if it’s poisoned, his inability to sleep through the night, how he has to scan even pathfinder for weapons when he comes into his house. crypto is an mental and emotional disaster

085. DESCRIBE HIM IN THREE WORDS. stoic. resilient. paranoid.

087. HOW WOULD CRYPTO DESCRIBE HIMSELF IN THREE WORDS? genius. prepared. determined.

#「 crypto 。headcanons 」#thank u all ily ;__;#this is super long but i have so many thoughts and feelings abt crypto #ty for indulging me

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sirfluffig · 5 years ago

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(Sir) Silvio Durante

Chosen of Laverna

"I'm dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly … stupid."

- Captain Jack Sparrow

Silvio Durante is the first son of a rather big family which originates in Rome itself. While their family tree is able to spread into hundreds upon hundreds other families, there is one consisting line of Durantes throughout almost all of history and it doesn't seem like there is going to be much change in the future. It is a family tradition that the children of said family branch are sent to the locally very known Olympia School of Magic to get educated under a specific gods guidance. While Family Durante is known for mostly being guided by the gods Mars and Iuno, there always were a few outsiders. Nonetheless, they accept any honorable Guide with welcoming open arms.

As part of this particular family branch, the young Silvio Durante was born in Rome and was homeschooled in fight and wisdom by his respective tutors, seeing that his parents never got the time to actually care for him. But these tutors were merely anyhow successful in their work and ethics. Silvio is a rather mischievous and cunning student, his overly developed charisma allowed him to charm his way out of problems, for example when he forgot to do his homework or mocked the teacher... while his bright and resourceful mind helps him coming up with a plan B if his silver tongue won’t be enough.

If not forcefully tutored, Silvio spent a lot of time alone in his dark and shadowy room reading, drawing or partly also singing in foreign tongue that he picked up along the way. He also is very fascinated by muggle stage magic which lead him to train cards tricks and other classical manners of illusions and manipulation.

While many people may consider it unhealthy, Silvio actually did a lot of things under the cloak of the darkness, which can be dated back to the earliest days of his childhood, when he turned off the lights as soon as he entered a room, claiming that he would see better that way.

Later on, when Sir Cyrus Durante and his wife Lady Fiona Durante got suspicious of their son's unique behaviour, they took him to see a children's doctor. Said doctor discovered that bright and pure lights lead to unspeakable painful headaches for the noble adept. From this day on, Silvio mostly slept through the day and rose to act at night. When he was awake during daytime, Silvio often wore and still wears sunglasses to protect his sensitive eyes. The general lack of sunlight made the boys skin turn very pale and prone to sunburns if not covered in cloth.

Now you might think that such an extroverted character shouldn't be all alone every day, only having himself around and even though he appears to be a social chameleon, Silvio prefers to keep away from the warm and bustling cities.

So it is indeed no wonder that when he attended the Olympia School of Magic, upon the sorting he was chosen by nobody less than the infamous and often quite mistrusted Goddess of Lies, Trickery and Darkness: Laverna. Also known as the Matron of Criminals, Mother of Thieves and Protector of Charlatans.

The Durante family had to endure a lot of outsiders in their noble family, where honored warfare and educational wisdom are the top priorities and yet they gladly accepted these breaks but being chosen by such a disgraceful and unhonorable deity, couldn't be left unpunished in the eyes of Lord and Lady Durante.

Silvio was disowned and renounced all connections to his yet so "loyal" family that very day. Who takes care of him now, is broadly unknown and not an easy to access information. Some students mumble about the rumour that Silvio has been taken in by the Darkness or Laverna herself, but these are all just theories..

While receiving the blessing of said generous trickster, Silvio got a lot of helpful abilities bestowed upon him. For example, his most used talent is Shapeshifting. The possibility manipulate his Appearance or his voice to appear to his bidding. Bending the reality to his will and making people believe what he deems them to believe. He already stopped counting the amount of friendships he destroyed and hearts he broke. Because if the entire school judges and villainize you from the start, why not giving them what they ask for?

This pairs well with the fact that he is almost impossible to be spotted when standing in the shadows, engulfed in the darkness, Silvio is accustomed to live in. It is almost like he is invisible and decides himself who is allowed to see him and who is not. These two abilities of Laverna have been proven more than handy for tricking other students or teachers, countless of times. And the tendency is still rising

Alongside other minor traits and talents that may prove valuable for a trickster, Laverna granted an irresistible charm on the young student, making his already honeyed words, sound even smoother and trustworthier. This trait was one of the few things that lead Silvio to become one of the more infamous and generally mistrusted students.

Silvios deepest desire is love and acceptance but due to his parents betrayal and general lack of empathy, the jokester has no idea how to achieve this wish and uses his nefarious abilities to gain attention of people that he likes, often making his Chance of friendships even worse.

The pendant which was granted Silvio when he was sorted into the house of the ones chosen by the Matron of Thieves, takes the form of a rather big open lock in various silver tones and adorned with countless jewels across it. Silvio not only wears this sign around his neck, but also has it engraved on his belt buckle. As for his appearance, there always are a few violations of the dress code, that he has to talk his way out, but all in all, his uniform looks like everyone else's.

While he still wears the long draped robes, he is supposed to wear while being in class, he somehow gets through with having the pieces of cloth magically coloured in a darker and more purplish burgundy than other students alongside with having long sleeves, covering the entire arm. But this is not the only difference to a uncustomized school uniform. Unusually for other students, Silvio's long and fine adorned robes don't end in fancy golden sandals with ornamented straps, the trickster is known for wearing more steadfast and secure brown leather boots around the courtyard. Seeing as he is almost allergic to sunlight, the teachers dont see s problem with that at all.

Thank you very much @kathrynalicemc for this amazing school and this even better challenge. It is my obligation to Tag @upset-hufflepuff because I know you will forget this otherwise. Anyways. Enjoy my Bastard boy, who will steal your kneecaps.

#Olympia School of Magic #HPHM #Silvio Durante #I personally love this #OC Challenge #HPHM Challenge

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really-sleep-deprived-nerd · 6 years ago

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Sanders Sides Percy Jackson AU!

SO! @moon-scribs and I have been working on this one for a while and we hope you like it!

BASICS:

Logan is a child of Athena

Roman is a child of Apollo (The very extra son of a very extra god)

Remy is a child of Hypnos (Hypnos is the god of sleep)

Virge is a child of Aphrodite and Patton is a child of Hades (Bare with us for a second, we´ll tell WHY we did this below the cut)

Emile is a child of Epiope (The goddess of the soothing of pain)

Deceit Damian is a child of Hermes (Hermes is, among other things, the god of deception)

Thomas is a child of Iris (Y´know, the goddess of the Rainbow)

More about this under the cut! (Warning: Its ridiculously LONG)

Child-of-Aphrodite! Virgil

When deciding upon which god he should be the child of, we mainly thought about how he was before pre-acepting anxiety, how he felt like “The odd-one out”, how he felt like he “didnt belong here”. See where we are going with this?.

Virgil is supposed to be the child of the goddess of beauty, but he honestly cant see it. He is way too pale. Way too lanky. His hair is too messy. He has eyebags that are bigger than his fist. He isnt “pretty”.

His siblings arent helping with that either: They are incredible extroverted people, they actually care about their appearance, about trivial things like make up and clothes, they are known to be extremelly social, their fucking cabin its mOTHERFUCKING BARBIE MANSION PINK AND ALL.

He doesnt fit with them, sure, he can get along with most of them just fine, but he still feels wrong.

He has charmspeak, but he doesn't knows how to use/control it and its also heavily influenced by his emotions, so when he's really stressed out it activates, mostly to keep his friends out of danger. (Its basically like his canon anxiety demon voice, it can influence them like that scene where v's like 'GET RID OF THE PHONE NOW' and Thomas just throws it without thinking )

His first days on camp were pretty rough, and he was thinking of running away, that is, until he met a very cheerful son of Hades.

Child-Of-Hades! Patton

Patton “Hellhounds are just misunderstoods puppies!” Medina

Patton “Oh that kid looks sad and lonely and uncomfortable Im going tO BEFRIEND HIM” Medina

All the hellhounds just become big puppies around him, he has a tiny army of Cat-skeletons and dog-skeletons following him everywhere that are always either playing with him or trying to get pets of him.

Since there is literally just one other kid of hades in the cabin most of the bunks are empty so one of them becomes the Cave(tm) of Patton´s bony friends (Its just a bunch skele-pets under a blanket)

Also one of the bunks is reseved for Virge, since sleeping in a pink barbie mansion surrounded by SO MANY PEOPLE made him incredible anxious. And Patton could not let his precious friend and crush suffer! He has already went through enough!

One of the funniest things to Virgil its the fact that the Hades cabin looks like where vampires would live and then BOOM SUNSHINE BOY

Patton´s Brother: ugh it's too early to-is that the sun??? I thought there were no windows here???

Virge: No, that's Patton

He is the first one to discover that, despite Virgil not believing it, Virge is actually FUCKING gorgeous. Like, one day he makes Virgil giggle and Patton feels as his heart might burst: Virgil´s hair was messy and fluffy and it kinda covered his eyes, but you could see them sparkle with amusement and he had this tiny and kinda shy smile and all that Patton could think was: “goDS ABOVE IM TOO GAY TO FUNCTION- HELP”

Despite his sushiney attitude, lets not forget that, as a child of Hades, Patton is actually fucking powerful, and will not hesitate to absolutly destroy whatever and whoever tries to hurt his fami-friends and his home

Child-Of-Apollo! Roman

You know how Percy´s sword turns into a pen? Yeah, Roman´s katana turns into a golden and silver hairbrush.

Was sent to camp since he was really young and trained in hand to hand combat until he became the best.

Has an enthralling voice and incredible acting skills and he can dance like the muses, but cant shoot straight to save his life (Pun not intended lol) and if he tried to heal a paper cut it would probably get infected .

Loves the camp dearly, but he misses his family a lot so he Iris-calls them every saturday

Child-Of-Athena! Logan

Hands down the best strategist in the whole camp.

Cant do hand-to-hand combat to save his LIFE, but he is amazing with long distance weapons. Bow and Arrow? Logan will pull a hawkeye shit where he NEVER fails. He is good at making traps, like, he studies what surrounds him and can make a scooby-doo-like trap with branches and shit he found laying there. People do not Fuck with him during capture the flag.

You know how Athena´s kids are all terrified of spiders, right? Welp. Logan has a Patton-level fear of spiders.

“Pardon my crude language, but I don't fuck with those tiny ass demons”

Child-Of-Hermes! Damian

“You, my child, are amazing, but you have the moral of a chocolate muffin”- Thomas, to him, after spending 15 minutes alone together.

Will 100% fuck shit up, not in a “IM EVIL FEAR ME” way, but more in a “Remember my father is also the god of pranksters do not fuck with me Virgil”

Has definitely not pranked Roman and Virgil and had to unceremoniously hide in a tree top so this two would not murder him in the time it took for Emile and Pat to calm them down

Child-Of-Hypnos! Remy

He is a child of hypnos, and as such, drinks unhealthy amounts of coffee so he can stay awake.

He can make everyone he wishes fall asleep instantly just by touching them and he can make it last as long as he wishes (More than 4 hs per person tires him tho)

He doesnt have an ounce of common sense in his whole body and Emile still doesnt know how he managed to stay alive for this long.

Child-Of-Epione! Emile

He is not gifted with healing like some childs of Apollo, yet he is able to sooth the pain of others. No, not only as a psychologist (He is not one yet, but he wants to be one when he grows older), but also as an overall comforting presence: He is kind, his voice is calm, he is sweet, patient and emphathic.

One hug from him will not heal all your pain, but will make it hurt less, giving you the strength to keep fighting it for a while.

Really, REALLY not good at fighting.

Cried for a whole day when he learned that the camp has no tv so he couldnt watch any cartoons while he stayed there

He was very lonely growing up as before getting to camp, so he used to watch A LOT of cartoons to keep himself occupied, to avoid feeling alone.

The human mind and emotions never ceases to amaze him.

Child-Of-Iris! Thomas

Thomas started going to camp at a very young age, so he kinda knows everyone.

Despite that fact, he got claimed on the summer after his 15th birthday.

He was walking across the camp towards the Big House to say hi to Chiron when a full on rainbow surrounded him and Iris´s logo started glowing on top of his head. He looked at the rainbow, then he looked down at his “could be gayer” t-shirt and burst out laughing.

He spends only summers on camp, and since he is a bit older than most of the campers, he became a sort of counsellor to new campers whenever he is in camp.

He helps the new ones with training, teaches them how to get around the camp, teaches them how to read in greek and greek history (To them its history, no mythology) if they dont know anything about it.

He is super supportive of every new camper! Like, if they are training and one of the newbies fucks up (Drops his weapon, falls, trips, whatever) he will instantly start going “Its okay!! No one can do this right in their first try!! It took me like a year just to stop sucking at it!! You are trying your best and thats whats important!!”

He gave one look at Virgil´s angsty demeanor, Damian´s snarky attitude, Roman´s fake confidence, Patton´s pattoness, Logan´s insighful and wise opinios, Remy´s complete lack of self preservation and Emile´s internal screaming as he tries to keep the rest of his friends fucking mentally stable and immediatly decided “Im going to adopt them”

While Thomas is an excelent “counsellor” and loves his friends, sometimes he will be watching the other 7 human disasters run around and get into shenanigans and just be like: Those kids are already so fucking weird this might as well happen

Asked to be tagged: @fandoms-till-the-end-of-the-line @thatgaydemigodnerd

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cloudynames · 6 years ago

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Pillow Talk

gamers!! we’re back!! living our best lives!! i hope everyone is having a fantastic day or night~ this piece was actually one of my more difficult pieces to write and i dont know it was just hard ;; i hope everyone enjoys this and i will make sure to work harder for the next story!

Word Count: 5,609

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Mentions of abuse, sexual themes (no actual smut)

lets get it

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“Oh my god, you’re going on a date with him? He’s so cute!” One of your friends giggled, scrolling through an Instagram that you could really care less about. Mindlessly, you stirred your coffee with a straw and reflected on your complicated relationship with love.

It wasn’t that you hated men or whatever. You would’ve loved to hold someone’s hand or to go on cute dates during those four years of suffering to ease your pain. In high school, boys would be drooling over the numerous, gorgeous transfer students while you were just… there.

In your baggy uniform with a head in a book and an awfully little amount of sleep due to studying until ungodly hours of the night.

You didn’t think it was a bad thing at all. Because of this, you had so much more time to study and hang out with friends. There was definitely an unhealthy amount of mocking from your family and friends but it all paid off in the end because you ended up going to a fantastic college with exam results better than any alumni previously. However, like anyone at your age, you still had a pit of desire in your stomach.

“What about you, (y/n)? Any boys hit you up recently?” A voice interrogated, snapping you instantly back to reality.

Rolling your eyes, you slide your phone over to show your most recent text messages.

“The last guy you talked to was your teacher who you asked about the project due in a few weeks.”

With a loud groan, you stole your phone back from nosey eyes and selfish hands. A few moans of complainant lingered the air as they wanted to delve more into your messages.

“I’ll never find a boyfriend,” You whine, fake crying into your arms.

Laughs fill the small part of the cafe you sat at and you felt your face burn up with embarrassment. As much as it was hilarious how you couldn’t get a boy to save your life, it also dug into you, knowing you would probably end up alone for a large majority of your life.

One of your friends patted your back and with an encouraging smile stated, “Maybe you should try sticking your head somewhere else other than a book.”

The crowd exploded in amusement once more and by this point, you were fuming. Yes, the situation was hilarious about how you couldn’t even get a glance from a dog. The fact that they mocked you for it annoyed you to the end of hell. Just because you weren’t actively searching for a boyfriend didn’t mean boys avoided you like the plague.

‘It might’ve been easier for them to get a boyfriend but look who's struggling in creative writing just to earn a C on every paper.’

Similar cruel thoughts invaded your head and you desperately tried to get them out. It took a few minutes but your bubbly smile was back on your face and a newfound inspiration was beating in your heart. You were sick of the laughter and pity. Above all, you were tired of not having someone to call your own. To kill two birds with one stone would be exceedingly pleasing.

Determination filled you and once you were motivated, you were going to meet your end goal.

That end goal?

A boyfriend.

For the plan of attack, you would need to think of boys that you’ve talked to before. There was Jaehyun from biology but you were unbelievably positive that he was eating someone’s face off at the most recent frat party. Yuta, from your economics class, would be a fantastic person to go on a date due to his infectious smile and sweet crescent eyes if you didn’t hear the most recent rumors of him breaking girls’ hearts for money.

Lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, you pondered if there were any boys willing enough to take you on a date. Doubt clouded your train of thoughts and you seriously considered the fact that nobody would ever like you enough to initiate something. As you were about to drift off to sleep, your brain lingered to a boy in your math class. Everyone could see him with hearts in his eyes for you. He would be perfect.

You sat closer to the boy named Mark in your math theory class. He was cute from a distance and especially upclose. If you went on one date with him, all the mockery would stop for good.

And if you’re lucky, maybe the loneliness would go away as well.

A few days later, Mark finally asked you on a date. With nervous, shaky hands, he gave you his phone asking for your number. You cocked your eyebrow in confusion since the two of you haven’t exchanged more words than a quick ‘hello’ and asking each other for the answers on numerous equations.

“M-May I please ask you on a date?”

You stood in front of the movie theater, holding his too sweaty hand as the both of you walked forward in line. For someone that appeared so mysterious and cool, he was really like a tense, little boy. All you could think about was how it felt like you were taking your little brother to a movie.

“Two tickets for Spider-Man.” Mark asked, squeezing your hand. Giving him a small smile, you reached in your bag to pull out your share of price.

Mark’s eyebrows furrow as his hands scramble around in his wallet, looking for his debt card. He shuts it with a sigh and looks at you pleadingly.

“Could… you please…”

You had already given the cashier enough money for the both of you.

This would be fine if Mark didn’t insist on buying snacks at the movie theater.

“Please, (y/n)! How can we watch a movie without food.” He whines, throwing a playful (and hopefully fake) tantrum.

With a long, drawn out exhale, you bought a large popcorn and two waters. Throughout the week, you would definitely need to eat the complementary ramen they stored within the dorm kitchens since you had blown half your weekly allowance on mediocre popcorn and tiny waters.

By the time both of you had been settled down within the theater, you were embarrassed to the extent where you might’ve screamed. Mark had lifted the armrests and comfortably placed his legs on the next three seats. Seeing this site, your throat dried up and you tried to scoot further away so people wouldn’t associate you with someone displaying such poor manners.

If that wasn’t the tip of the iceberg, Mark hogged all the popcorn and took both the water bottles after he had choked on a kernel. With the little side remarks he commented during the movie and his loud chewing, your brain was begging to put it out of misery.

He dropped you off at your house and awkwardly waited for you to deliver a kiss upon his cheek as the night came to an end. Patting his shoulder, you thanked him for the night. Once you escaped to your warm, cozy bed, you blocked his number.

Never again.

As a result, your friends hunched over their respective seats, dying with laughter after you told them about your horrible date.

“It’s not funny!” You yell, gripping onto your fork too tight for anyone’s liking.

The laughter calmed down once everyone found a new topic to dicuss. A normal conversation arises and you soon lose yourself in your thoughts.

So what? Maybe Mark wasn’t your guy but you weren’t upset. There was someone out in this world for you and you just needed to be patient. But as the conversation slowly shifts back to romance, you feel dread creeping up in your soul. Staring at the couples entering and exiting your cafe made you more self-conscious. If everyone was able to find someone, how come your time hasn’t come yet? You weren’t getting any younger and you would be an adult soon.

“And I heard from Eunwoo that she bought a callboy! I don’t even want to repeat the things she did… It was so intimate.”

Ears perking up, their voices drew you into the conversation. What is a callboy? More importantly, they got intimate with someone like holding hands?

Quieter than the rest, you inquired, “What’s a callboy?”

All eyes were on you and heat rose to your face instantly. It was such a stupid question, but excuse you for being so naive! Not everyone has knowledge on everything in the world.

“Oh, well it’s a boy you rent to do... stuff with.”

“Like cuddle?” You asked innocently, excitement showing on your face.

“Yeah! Sure!” They smiled and one of them gave a weak thumbs up.

From that point, you were sold on the idea.

With a budding interest, you researched how to rent one of these perplexing ‘callboys.’ Tapping quickly on your phone, you clicked on the first link presented to you. Under the explicit pictures (probably due to ads and viruses), you touched the phone number and waited for someone to pick up. A minute had passed and you began to grow weary. Perhaps you had called the wrong number. As you were about to hit ‘end call,’ a voice emerges from the speakers.

“Hello, name?”

Almost dropping the phone in your hand, you spoke softly, “(Y/N).”

“What time would you like?”

It hadn’t occurred to you that he would be coming to your house! Your mind was in shambles as you thought about a time where you were in the dorms but none of your roommates would be home. All four of you would go out drinking on Friday’s but maybe you could make an excuse to stay home…

“Ah! Anytime tomorrow after eight at night.”

“Who would you like to escort you?”

Confusion was evident in your voice as you utter, “Escort is a strange word to use. I didn’t even know I had options.”

“So you’re a first time? Well, there’s Taeil, one of the more experienced workers. We’ve only heard good things from Kun as well. Jungwoo is also available around the same time.”

You placed yourself on mute and your tongue played with the names given to you. Taeil rolled off your tongue kindly and left a warm feeling in your stomach.

“May I have Taeil?” You requested, nervousness building up in your body. You couldn’t believe you were actually renting a boy to talk to and cuddle.

“Of course. Payment will be taken after the visit. Please do not hesitate to contact us if something goes wrong. Thank you for your business. We hope to see you again.” And with that, the line was clicked off and you were left in the darkness of your lonely room.

Plugging in your phone, you rolled over in bed and shoved your head in a fluffy pillow.

What have you done?

Finally, seven o’clock had come and you watched your roommates rush around the room looking for a setting spray or a comfortable pair of heels. Wrapped up in a big comforter, you helped one of the girls pick between two lipsticks.

“Are you sure you don’t want us to pick you up some food afterwards? What if you get hungry?” Hani questioned, putting her hair in a low ponytail.

Using your decent acting skills, you nodded without much interest, conflicting from your inner thoughts. You were beyond excited for tonight but you had to hide it from everyone.

“Yeah, I’m okay. If I get hungry, I’ll just eat a few crackers. I don’t have much of an appetite.” You breathed off, clearing your throat after for dramatic effect.

With enough pestering, Hani and the girls left the apartment in a rush. They would forget you were sick by the time they arrived at the club.

Knowing you would be having company over, you skipped over to the bathroom and started to apply natural makeup and changed into one of your more fancier pairs of pyjamas. Sitting on the couch, you waited restlessly. With hands growing sweaty, you wiped them desperately on your clothed thigh. What if he denied service to you since you were presumably so ugly? Or even worse, what if he knew one of your roommates and commented on one of the numerous photo frames?

Your thoughts halted as the ring of the doorbell filled the room. For a few seconds, your mind was completely stilled with every doubt. Rising to your feet, uneasiness set back in and you question your most recent actions. Regret pooled within your stomach. Maybe you should’ve just gone clubbing with your friends. It’s beyond embarrassing how lonely you are to needing a callboy.

Straightening out your shirt, you open the door and with your best smile, you begin the conversation with a simple, “Hello.”

A man with brown, tousled hair stood outside your door, adjusting his watch. Raising his head, he flashed a smirk with a gaze that was too sharp for your liking. It seemed like he was analyzing you already although the two of you haven’t even exchanged greetings yet.

“Are you going to invite me in or what?” He teased, biting his bottom lip right afterwards.

Blushing, you scooted away from the door to make room. He stepped inside your dorm and whistled. “We don’t get a lot of students. Are your roommates gone?”

Nodding your head furiously, “Yes. I made sure that they would be gone.”

Suddenly, Taeil’s gaze darkened and the entire mood of the room seemed to shift. He approached you and took one of his hands, grazing your cheek. Leaning close to your ear, he muttered, “Oh? So you came prepared?”

His hands started to drift to your shirt, rubbing the soft fabric between his hands. Indeed, the man was right when he said Taeil was experienced. He was flirting with you like no tomorrow and it clouded your judgement. A heated, muddled feeling encroached you. You had never been so intimate with a man, especially with someone as good-looking as Taeil. It was so innocent too until Taeil asked, “You look so good in his shirt, mind if I take it off?”

Immediately, his hands slid up your shirt, eliciting a squeak from your parted lips. They roamed over your stomach and back, having you shiver in delight. As his hands trailed nearer to your chest, you came back to reality. What the hell was happening? All you wanted was for someone to hold you, not this. Pushing him away, you tried hiding yourself and making yourself as small as possible. How does one disappear from such a precarious situation?

“What the hell?! I thought we were just supposed to do cuddly things!”

Bewilderment spread across Taeil’s face as he instantly retracted his hands to his side. “You called for a callboy.”

Rolling your eyes, “As a matter of fact, yes. I did call for a callboy! I know what I’m doing. Isn’t a callboy supposed to do boyfriend things with you?”

Annoyance became more evident in his voice, “Clearly not. A callboy is supposed to fulfill your sexual desires.”

Oh.

Sitting on the couch with a cup of tea in both of your hands made the situation all the more uncomfortable. Consequently, it’s hard to talk to someone as you just rejected their sexual advances.

“What do you like to watch?” You questioned, grabbing the remote and flipping through some channels. An icebreaker might destroy all the tension once previously held.

Taeil wasn’t expecting a sudden question and his head snapped up in a second. “W-Well, I like watching action films.”

For someone who was so confident just a few moments ago, he was a stuttering mess now. The duality of this man was absurd.

Clicking on Black Panther, your body soon sank into the velvety couch. This was a strange Friday night but you couldn’t say you hated it. Taeil has given you more action than all your years previously.

“So… Why did you call a callboy? I mean, if you’re not using me for sex or whatever.” Taeil inquired, avoiding your gaze. He seemed to be so focused on your boring, wooden flooring.

“Well,” you start, stretching out your limbs, “it’s a long story.”

Pausing for a reaction, he sat there with a curious look on his face. Moving closer to you and tilting his head back, he replied, “I got all night, baby.”

Damn, he really was experienced.

A blush dusted your face and continuing, “My friends always mock me about not having a boyfriend. It drives me insane and I tried going on a date with this guy but it just didn’t work out. They were talking about callboys and I guess they lied to me about the truth… I seriously just thought it was a service to cuddle and hold hands with someone. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m lonely.”

Taeil chuckled and tapped your arm. Puzzled, you lend him your attention and in response, he opens his arms to you. Tentatively, you climb over and settle yourself in his snug hold. He lets out a deep breath and plays with your hair, curling a strand once he reaches the end.

“Although I am a callboy, I’ll be your rent-a-boyfriend just for tonight.” He winks, stealing a quick kiss on your forehead.

Your heart was beating out of your chest from this unfamiliar interaction. It felt so hot in his arms, almost sinful. The devil would scoff at this proclamation of ‘lechery,’ and you soon start to believe you wouldn’t mind if it got a little bit more risqué. Now, that was something the devil could compliment.

Brushing up against your reddened ear, he whispered, “I can feel your heartbeat going a thousand miles per hour.”

You almost pushed him off the couch for such a statement.

Once calmed down and being cuddled again, Taeil opened up the conversation surprisingly.

“This is nice.”

Humming in response, you push yourself lightly into his chest. Fingers graze near his abdomen, barely applying any pressure.

“I agree. Do… You do stuff like this offen?”

Taeil shakes his head, ruffling your hair. “No. Usually it comes with the pillow-talk after post-sex but I’ve never had a client who just wanted to cuddle.”

You smack his chest instead of replying, earning a laugh a bit too sweet for your liking. Someone as gentle and affectionate doesn’t seem like one to take a job as a callboy. Of course, this probably makes him better at his job than others but it doesn’t suit him. Honestly, it’s rude that you’re judging his profession. For all you know, Taeil could be a real demon under the sheets but chooses to show you the sweet, sickly, intoxicating side of him.

“Can I ask you something that might be inappropriate?”

“I work as a callboy. There isn’t anything more inappropriate than that.”

“That’s exactly my question. Why? Why do you work as a callboy?” You escape his grasp and he whines, turning to face you better. He ponders the question, seeming to be tying up loose ends before he sends his answer into the world.

Nibbling on his bottom lip and smacking his lips, “I don’t know honestly. I was a good fuck in college so why not make a job out of it?”

Furrowing your eyebrows, “How come you haven’t left your job yet?”

Dumbfound, he shrugged his shoulders. A gleam of pain reflected against his eyes as he stared up to the ceiling. He didn’t make any further comment on that topic. Questions were burning inside you due to such an interesting man. Perhaps he was one of those sugar babies who fell in love with the luxurious lifestyle and couldn’t dare to leave.

He spoke up after a horrible attempt at hiding his discomfort, “I guess when you’ve done something for so long, there isn’t a different way to do it.”

Biting your tongue from saying something foolish once again, you set yourself between the arms of Taeil again. If you could make him forget whatever tragedies he has to face in his life just for tonight, you’ll do it. Both of you needed this time to just be held and told that the other was appreciated.

Around eight in the morning, he left. The two of you fell asleep on the couch and thankfully all your roomates crashed at someone’s house. As you were about to open up your paypal to transfer money to his account, he stopped you.

“No need for paying tonight. I enjoyed it.” He flashes you a bright smile and shoving his hands in his pocket.

“Yeah, me too.” You mutter, placing a loose strand of hair behind your ear. A rule for all workspaces, sexual or not, is to not become involved with a client. It was irritating how you couldn’t be friends with Taeil. You sincerely thought he was a wonderful person. All you could hope for now is for him to find someone that night who’ll treat him with love and respect.

He ruffles your hair fondly like he did previously. Seeing your miserable expression tore him apart and he pulled you into a hug. If he could, he would transfer all his adornment to you, just because of the night before. Never in all his years as working as a callboy had someone treat him with such regard. Leaning down to your ear, he whispered a ten digit code.

Before you could respond, he stole a kiss from your cheek and removed himself from your dorm. Slamming open the door, you yell, “Taeil!”

Loud, boisterous laughs fill the air and you sigh happily.

He was pulling all your heartstrings in the right ways.

That night with Taeil helped you realize a lot about your relationships with others. Most importantly, your friends were real jackasses. Secondly, whining over boys isn’t going to attract them to you. When you applied for the job at a local diner, you could say this was an attempt to eradicate both of your biggest problems. With unsystematic shifts, you barely had time to see your friends or cry over the lack of a relationship.

Taeil had steadily risen on your list of importance, consuming a majority of your time as well. If you weren’t working or studying, you were found texting him or going out with him. It was a different pace from your old routine and there was no need for wanting the old one back. Contentment filled you, especially with a weekly paycheck.

One night while cleaning tables from sticky soda spills, the familiar flop of tousled, brown hair caught your eye. Taeil was perched at a booth, tapping his fingers against the fake marble. Casually hustling over with a notepad and pen, you whispered in an excited voice, “Hi.”

His mouth formed a wide grin but as soon as the bell rang, notifying everyone that someone new had arrived, it disappeared. With every small noise, he seemed to jump and be on alert.

“I would love to talk to you dear, but I’m on a job right now.” The corners of his lips soon turned into a frown, seeing your crestfallen look. “After your shift and this job, I’ll visit you, okay?”

“It’s a deal. I’ll be expecting you.” Leaving with a wink, you go back to scrubbing dried soda. Washing tables wasn’t the worst job but it definitely wasn’t your preferred task. If you were taking orders and running the cashier, this night would be perfect.

Apparently the gods took pity on you as your manager yelled for you to switch jobs with Jaemin, a new trainee similar to you. Despite the numerous reminders that you’re in college, he tries to get you to accept his phone number. As you take off your gloves, he attempts to give you a kiss on the cheek which has you yelling from the breakroom.

The fun stopped as the bell rang and the tapping of the manager’s hurried steps has him cut his fun short. Putting on a different apron, you examine what tables haven’t been served yet. Seeing as it was only Taeil’s table, you approach him and the new body at his table.

The new, mysterious man has Taeil’s hand in his and he coos softly, “Yes baby. Anything for you.”

Trying to hide your distaste, you muster the fakest smile. “Hi. May I start both of you off with something to drink?”

The man instantly replies, “A water.”

Taeil hums, flipping over the menu and seemingly less interested in the hand that appears to be gripping onto his too tightly.

“I would like a sprite.” Taeil answers and a groan spouts in the air.

“Really? You’re going to get a sprite? You’ve been looking so bloated recently! No, he’s going to have a water.” The man rolls his eyes, grumbling about how Taeil’s demeanor makes him look like a fatass.

Taeil stares down at his lap, biting his tongue from saying something he’ll regret. You leave in a moment, dispensing a sprite and water from the machine. What the hell was up with that douchebag? Clicking your tongue in annoyance, you walk back over to the table, only dropping a straw for Taeil.

A few minutes later, you took their orders and nearly punched the man when you saw Taeil’s straw in his drink. You made sure to drop off another straw. Pathetic attempts to get back at this asshole won’t work, unfortunately.

The entire night, you observed the two. Subconsciously, you would squeeze your pen every time the man raised his voice at Taeil, screaming profanities about something or the other. Your heart begged you to go up to the manager and ask her to throw both of them out. However, what would happen to Taeil if the two got kicked out? You wouldn’t want to find out the hard way.

It was indeed a grim situation with losing being the only result.

Soon the two left and before Taeil left, you flashed him a wave.

He didn’t wave back.

Tonight would be fun with the amount of interrogation you would pit against Taeil.

“So what the hell was that at the diner?” You fumed, stirring the pot of tomato soup harshly, the contents hitting the sides, almost dripping into the burner. Taeil shrugged his shoulders, buttering the pan graciously. You huffed and turned off the left stovetop, grabbed a bar stool, and scowled at him.

“I don’t know. What do you mean?” He responds, flipping a slice of bread and your eyes drift to the very noticeable purple mark on the inside of his wrist.

“You looked so uncomfortable with that guy!” You whined, eyes narrowing at the boy in front of you. “Are you hiding secrets from me?”

Whipping around, “No! Never!”

“Then what’s the deal with that dude? And more importantly, your wrist!”

The room was stiff and if you could see Taeil’s face, he would most definitely be rolling his eyes. Although you had known Taeil for a short time, his expressions were never hidden. Was he red in the face or was his throat beginning to dry and his eyes begin to water? To enclose Taeil in a cosy embrace was all you wished for.

“Nothing. Now, eat up.”

Sitting in the midnight gleam and quietly munching on grilled sandwiches was definitely a new take on life. As much as your brain told you to stay away from Taeil, you kept giving into him. Taeil was a dangerous man, especially with the way he flirted with you so casually. It was like he wanted you to fall in love with him.

And as much as you try to deny it, you fell hard. His eyes and lips were hypnotizing with how they flicker and create sweet concoctions just for you and hopefully with meaning for only you. He appears so stunning even after a harsh day at work, making you fantasize over what could never be yours. In other words, you were whipped for Icarus.

In addition to being desperately in love with him, you had found yourself being torn apart as he stumbled into your apartment with too many bruises and cuts at an ungodly hour.

Although Taeil wasn’t the biggest man, he was leaning a lot of dead weight on to you due to being incredibly tired, physically and emotionally. With one heavy grunt and a meaningful shove, you forced him to sit on the brown loveseat. He smeared away the blood forming on his upper lip, giving you a melancholic twinkle. As you start to assess his wounds, he voices his thoughts.

“Sorry.”

Your quiet voice speaks up, so different from what you’re used to with Taeil, “For what?”

“Hiding things.”

You catch a glimpse at him rubbing at his watery eyes and try to ignore his insistent tapping on the fake wooden boards. Clear as day, Taeil had most likely never confided to someone about the abuse he suffers within his industry. Before you came along, had he just went home mishandled and barely alive? Did he tend his injuries before going to his next client?

Or would it not matter because each person was the same as the last?

“It’s okay.” Truthfully, you wanted to reject his apology. If you two were friends, he shouldn’t have to keep secrets from you. A deep thought irks you to the bone. What would happen if your positions were switched? How would you even mention to your dearest friend, ‘Oh yeah, by the way the men and women I sleep with exploit me every night.’

A choked cry bursts from Taeil’s esophagus, immediate your eyes were on him. “It’s not okay. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” He slides from the loveseat and into your arms, knocking the bandages out of your hand and fills them with his body instead. His entire body shakes, chest heaving up and down abruptly as he attempts to calm himself down, only to make himself weep more.

With a puffy face and eyes red as rubies, he whisper-yells, “And you know what’s the worst part? I’m in love with you and I’m terrified you think that I’m revolting. Every time I’m with a client, all I can think about is you. You’re the one who gets me through the night but you’re also the one who makes me run away to terrible people in fear of not being loved back!”

Hugging him back, squeezing tightly, and sighing, “Taeil,” water pools at your eyes and you stuff your head into his shoulder, damping his jacket within one small patch. “I could never think of you as revolting. I’ve been so obsessed with you but you hadn’t even noticed.”

The whimpering dies down and Taeil pulls away, grabbing your hand in the process. “Really?”

A giggle erupts and you rub the wet streaks across Taeil’s face, hand still in his. “Yes, really.”

-----------------------

Taeil was like ice cream and you were like a warm, summer day. He seemed mischievous and cold on the outside, frightening those who had never come in contact with him before. Inside, he was sweet and irresistible. His touch was addicting, begging you for more and more. You were the summer that engulfed Taeil, melting away his fronts and revealing who he truly was. Summer, a short synonym for home. A time to relax and focus on yourself and your ambitions, something familiar and safe. You were Taeil’s summer, his home.

Lying there on the too small twin bed in the sticky heat in the middle of the night with Taeil made you realize there was nowhere you rather be than here next to his glistening body, watching him breathe softly after another day of work.

“Love,” you break the silence and Taeil shifts over, purring in response, “can we have pillow talk?”

Instantly, Taeil was up and had you against his chest, playing with the loose strands of hair from you moving around in bed so much. “What is it?”

“When will you leave your job?”

“Ah, my dear (y/n), if only I knew.” He blows into your ear, making you scrunch up your face in shock. He wasn’t getting out of this one, however.

“Taeil, you have a degree in Sports Medicine. I’m sure that someone out there is getting their ACL torn and needs you to help them probably take care of it.” You argue, tapping your fingers against his chest.

“I’m scared.”

He begins to melt, gripping onto you significantly firmer than before.

“I know but think about our future. It’s hard seeing you with others, especially when you tell me I’m all yours. What happens in the future if we have kids and they ask where their father is?” You confess, an astounding amount of thought put into each sentence. You would be lying if you said you hadn’t been so worried about him.

He stays silent for a moment before grabbing his phone on the table beside him. Curiously, you stretch your neck to see what he’s doing--or who he is dialing rather.

“It’s me,” he breathes into the phone, “I’m done. I quit. If you have any problems with it, you can contact my partner who is a lawyer.” His voice was dripping with threat before hanging up and cuddling into you.

“You’re right.”

You scoff playful, flicking his forehead. “I’m a lawyer. I’m always right.”

“Yes, yes, yes.” He laughs, pecking you on the lips with a stolen kiss. “Good pillow talk?”

“Very good pillow talk.”

#NCT #nct scenarios #nct imagine #nct headcanon #nct 127 #nct moon taeil #moon taeil #nct taeil #nct 2019 #writing #kpop scenarios #kpop imagine #kpop headcanons #taeil

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laurent-ofvere · 6 years ago

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How did you lose 50+ pounds? I’m currently trying to lose weight so I’d love the tips!

idk how this got so long when im saying virtually nothing innovative but hey whats up i dont know how to be concise

i truly dont think im the person to ask bc i really didnt do anything revolutionary but if you’re curious for my experience i can definitely babble for you.

first of all i was very VERY unhealthy before so im sure anything small i could have done for my diet would have been effective.

i only drank water (apart from coffee but just homemade, none of that starbucks/dunkin shit) i cut out sweet drinks and alcohol (my tolerance after a year or not drinking/losing a ton of weight was a fucking yikes) i dont really care for sweet drinks and theres so much sugar and calories in them that for me, it was a simple way to avoid all that extra shit, plus the water made me feel really clean.

i substituted everything i could with whole wheat (bread, pasta etc)

i cut my portion sizes down. not to anything crazy small or limiting, i was just eating way too much before so i ate “normal” amounts. initially it took a bit for me to feel full bc i was like uhh where are my additional 15 servings?? but i adjusted rather quickly and eventually if for whatever reason i ate something much large like before, i got full halfway.

and tbh thats really it. i dont know much at all about fitness and health but this is just what worked for me and showed me results. i could never really do the kind of diet that cuts a grouping out entirely (my best friend does keto and it sounds like my personal hell) bc ill break immediately and start to resent it, so i just know what i can limit, what i can temporarily take out and what i simply cant go without. im not wild about sweets so removing desserts is no biggie, and i just substitute healthy sweeter things for when im craving it. i cant however not eat bread, so guess what, im eating the fucking bread, ill just be smarter about it. if im gonna be eating a dinner centered around rice for example, ill try not to have toast for breakfast. i love carbs, its all i wanna eat so when im having a plate of chicken and potatoes ill have chicken with a few potatoes on the side rather the other way around like before. if i only have the chicken im gonna feel deprived and it wont stick.

here are a few tips i can think of:

look up recipes!! i never cooked before and i love it now. there are so many ways you can tweak a certain meal so its not the same thing every day and so many spices you can play around with to switch it up. when i was younger and tried dieting i was like ‘so, salad every day?’ which was stupid and repetitive and wrong and failed every time. know the things you like and google the shit out of it. you know how much indian i eat now?? SO MUCH.

try writing down what you eat. i know its not for everyone but it can work sometimes. (my moms doctor had her do it for a few weeks for a reason i cant recall and she actually lost weight in those weeks) it can be helpful to look back at everything you put in your mouth, especially if you’re maybe not seeing results and wanna compare what you ate one week/how much you lost then to what you ate a different week/how much you lost then. also, you might be less inclined to not eat something that you know you probably shouldn’t if youre gonna have to write it down and “face it”.

listen to me: get that unhealthy shit out of the house!! dont buy it, thats it. it is a MILLION times harder to avoid temptation when its right in front of you. if im craving chips and open the pantry and its right there im like good god help me but if i wake up with a wild craving, am i REALLY about to put on a bra and walk to the supermarket? doubtful.

i dont mean this in a “nothing tastes better than skinny way” bc ?? what the fuck but sometimes its just about putting things in perspective. straight up, i didnt like my body and i didnt like the way it looked so yeah, sometimes i do need to remind myself that the pleasure ill feel when im fitting in things i really want to or look a certain way will be much greater than the pleasure this burger will give me.

but sometimes man we gotta eat the fucking burger!! yeah its a diet and it will require being strict on yourself, but its not meant to be miserable! you know yourself, you know what will make you feel guilty and what will make you feel like “eh, was a bump but a worth it bump” and thats FINE. if im never eating something tasty or something that makes me happy then i point blank will not make it. and yeah theres healthier meals and snacks that i now genuinely know i love, but sometimes i just want an eggroll and i straight up do not give a fuck.

#asks #not capri

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musingsofanewbienurse · 6 years ago

Text

Transitioning to Veganism

In January 2019 I decided to take part in veganuary with the intention of being fully vegan afterward (bar what was already in my cupboard and needed eating up). It wasn’t a sudden decision, in fact, it had been a gradual choice that I had been considering for months at this point. I had been vegetarian since July 2017 and had been gradually decreasing my intake of animal products so that by the end of 2018 my diet was 80-90% plant based already. I had been avoiding dairy for the most part anyway as it causes my skin to break out badly and cheese was an expensive luxury on a furgal university budget. The only thing that really let me down in that aspect was when I ate out or by not checking labels.

Like most people I had watched the world-famous Netflix document ‘What the Health’ in the spring of 2017 and that was probably one of the first major catalyst that lead to me analysing and changing my diet. I had grown up on a small, rural island off the mainland of England, one of its main agricultures being farming. Every-day I would see cows and sheep grazing in fields both outside my bedroom window and on the way to school, I saw these animals had a good quality of life (in a way that they do not always in larger areas of Britain and the US), and like many people, never really questioned the connection between that and my dinner plate.

I was also notoriously fussy, and although I liked most varieties of meat, the same could not be said of vegetables. In fact I hated every single one until I was 16 and then I could just about stomach carrots. A healthy diet I did not have, despite how much my parents tried to push otherwise. Going vegetarian was simply not a viable option for me back then; but on joining university I started to cook for myself and my taste matured, leading me to today, where I now love 99% of veg (broccoli is legitimately my favourite food) and it makes up the bulk of my diet.

It meant, that when I watched the documentary I was able to genuinely consider becoming vegetarian, and started to slowly phase meat out of my diet. Even then, I knew that ultimately I did want to become vegan, after seeing the impact the meat and dairy industry has on our health*, the environment and on the animals who are subjected to it. But I wanted to do it the right way and for the long-term. If I cut out everything at once I knew after a week or two I would revert back to my usual diet, my body craving things that had always been present. I also wanted to be educated about things I substituted meat for; I go to the gym regularly and I wanted to know that what I was eating would have a good variety of nutrients. And most importantly, I didn’t want my mental health to suffer.

Like most young women growing up in this century I have had issues with food and my body. Although I have never received any formal help or diagnosis I definitely had an unhealthy relationship with food, especially in my mid-teens, though even now some days are harder than others. For the most part I am a lot better, but I was wary that if I suddenly cut out a lot of different foods and placed a lot of restrictive rules on my diet that I would be taking a huge step backwards, that I would go back to obsessing over every little thing that I eat. I didn’t want to sacrifice my health and knew that if I was to do this safely, then gradually converting my diet was the only answer.

And that is what I did. First it was dairy milk, an easy swap as there are so many alternatives on the market. I mainly go for soya at home because it’s the cheapest and I really don’t need anything fancy in my bowl of porridge, but oat is by far my favourite and go-to when I’ve gone out for a coffee.

Eggs was one of the biggest changes. In my second year of uni I had eggs for breakfast nearly everyday that I wasn’t on placement, and I genuinely didn’t see myself as able to give them up. But in third year I found a love of porridge and overnight oats, or tofu scramble if I fancied something closer to what I usually had eaten. And eventually I was only having eggs when eating out, there is nothing nicer than an eggs benedict (and if anyone can link me to a good vegan recipe for it, I will love them forever).

Like I previously mentioned, cheese wasn’t a large part of my diet, because as a university student it just wasn’t worth budgeting for. I’ve never had a problem with any of the vegan alternatives I’ve tried, though this may be because I ate cheese so rarely that I couldn’t really directly compare the two.

Chocolate, the crux for many people, was a big one. “But how do you live without chocolate?” I’m normally asked by my horrified coworkers, and the answer is that I don’t. In fact, I probably have it in some form everyday, it just took a bit of getting used to looking for the vegan friendly alternatives in tescos. But there are plenty, and even some of the major brands are accidently vegan (looking at you bourbons).

Eventually it just left occasions where I was eating out (laziness would sometimes lead to me choosing the vegetarian option, and other times it was simply because that was what I wanted to eat), and items where I had not checked the label for hidden ingredients. Milk powder is in bloody everything, and if it’s not that, it’s normally eggs. Quorn in particular is well-known for this, though their vegan range is steadily growing.

By December 2018 I felt ready to take on Veganuary. I no longer felt like my diet, or lifestyle would be negatively impacted by it and I saw it as a great chance to draw a line under the sand. When speaking to my dad on the phone two weeks in he asked if I was struggling yet. And honestly? I hadn’t even noticed, as there had been so few occasions where I would have chosen the non-vegan option anyway. To me it just made sense that after January I continued to eat plant based, and now, at the end of February I haven’t regretted it once. I am a giant advocator of eating a vegan diet. I feel so much healthier than when I ate meat, am more active than ever and can’t remember the last time I fell ill. I do understand it’s not possible for everyone, people who have had or have eating disorders may definitely struggle, and placing a load of rules on what they can and can’t eat wouldn’t be beneficial to their mental health in the slightest (just as it wouldn’t have been for me once upon a time).

I also understand that if you’re not educated about nutrition and the aspects of a healthy diet, then becoming vegetarian/vegan doesn’t automatically mean you’ll be any healthier, especially with the wide range of plant based foods and meals now out in supermarkets (I’m not berating any of these releases in the slightest, it’s amazing to see so many options and makes it a lot more accessible than it once was, it just means navigating for a healthy option isn’t always the easiest thing). Being vegan is still a privilege, I only have to support myself on my wage and it leaves plenty of room to opt for the more expensive meat alternatives and keep my diet balanced. A single parent with two kids however doesn’t have this option, and places like Lidl and Aldi are brilliant for selling a large quantity of meat for a relatively low price.

But reducing your meat and animal product intake is good for the planet, and I do think that every little thing, whether that be partaking in Meatless Monday or swapping dairy milk for soya helps. No-one has to be perfect or commit to the most severe of changes, especially if they feel it is what they should do because Instagram told them to, but making a substitution here and there helps massively.

*I am not saying that meat and dairy cannot make up a healthy diet, though like anything in large quantities it isn’t beneficial. There is also plenty of evidence against cows milk and how we digest it. In early 2019 the Eat-Lancet commission (linked below) was published, outlining global targets for the world population to achieve a healthy, nutritionally balanced diet whilst keeping food production sustainable. The diet consists mainly of fruit, vegetables, grains and legumes, with a small amount of meat and fish. It is fairly similar to the Mediterranean diet, and emphasises that you don’t need to cut all animal products out, but reducing them would be highly beneficial on a number of levels!

Walter, W., Rockstrom, J., Loken, B. et al (2019) Food in the Anthropocene: the EAT-Lancet Commission on Healthy Diets from Sustainable Food Products. The Lancet. [online] Available at: https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(18)31788-4/fulltext#seccestitle10

#nursing blog #nurse #newbie nurse #veganism #vegan #nutrition #nutrition blog #lancet

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kurainburdened · 6 years ago

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POKEMON AU pls.... bc i know ur passionate abt pokemon and honestly Me Too

III LOVE YOU!!! I WAS PLANNING ON MAKING THIS A THING WHERE I ADD IN THE SENDERS MUSE INTO THE HCS BUT MAYA AND YOUR MUSE NEVER INTERACTED WHICH IS A CRIME!!! Dont tell edgeworth or she might get arrested lol. But anway!! I want to do stuff with you!!

ALSO THANK YOU FOR SENIDNG THIS BECAUSE THATS REALLY SWEET OF YOU AND IM REALLY TOUCHED YOU REMEMERED I LOVE POKEMON

Number 1

Mayas first pokemon, funny enough isnt a ghost type, but a normal type. See, in the pokemon verse Mayas background is basically the same. The Fey village is basically unchanged in this worly except for one thing. On a certain part of the mountainside is a forest that travellers tend to get lost in for ages. Many report hallucinations as being the main cause for this so it’s kind of cut off. Maya, being the rebel she is, of course wanders it in hopes of conquering it. Her sister is usually the voice of reason and really it would only take her being like. what if youre lost forever or something to scare her into staying but shes not ther so into the forest she goes! It’s there that she finds a waterfall and goes there to train constantly. She tries and tries to channel spirits and one day, she succeeds! Or so she thinks. The first time she thinks she’s channeled another spirit, she sees herself as the spirit she’s been trying to channel, sees her now-possessed body moving and acting on it’s own. When she runs back to the village to tell her story, she’s told that she couldn’t have channeled a spirit because if she did she would’ve been unconscious.

Confused Maya goes back and tries again only to get the same result. After a bit of investigating Maya realizes the source of travelers getting lost and the hallucinations is due to a stantler. This Stantler saw Maya, this little girl training so hard that it took pity on her, and wanting to help in the only way it could let her see herself channeling a spirit. At first Maya is crushed and upset at the pokemon for giving her false hope but quickly forgives it and thanks it for wanting to help. The pokemon soon takes on this kind of caring role for Maya, along with also being her only playmate seeing as the other girls in the village are kind of distant with her. Her being the heir to the Master title and Morgan instructing them to listen to her and listen to all her selfish desires, leading to them being resentful of her. Anyway, also to build off of that. Once Mayas sister dies, she asks the Stantler to let her see her Sister again. And thats like a thing she did for awhile before telling it to stop because it became this painful reminder of something she could never do which is channel her sister. Actually fun fact she asked the stantler to show her her mother but was heartbroken when it basically gave her the answer that it couldnt because Maya didn’t have the memory of her mothers face anymore. Anyway. One time when shes particularly heartbroken and hopeless she laments in the forest to herself how shes so useless and cant do anything right. How she hates herself for being this way. Hates herself for not being able to compare to Mia or her mother. At this point she sees the image of her sister saying shes proud of her. Maya is angry at Stantler for showing her such a horrible lie and runs away. Only to later be told by the pokemon that it wasn;t trying to make her see her sister say that, rather it was the only way of communicating that even if no one else appreciated her, it was proud of her.

ANYWAY ENOUGH OF STANTLER ON TO NUMBER 2

That’s right another in depth backstory for another pokemon hopefully not as long lol

The next on the list is a primeape that lives in the forest, training with sawk and throh. It kind of ended up getting abandonned by it’s trainer in a place where this breed of pokemon aren’t really found but it’s found it’s place with the sawk and throh so it doesn’t mind too much. It ended up earning it’s respect with good old fashioned fighting and is kind of in a ‘king of the forest’ position. Scary and intimidating and bent on establishing its dominance to all that challenge it! Anyway, while Maya is exploring the mountainside of her village she finds out about it and it’s plain to see that Primeape has a certain amount of respect among the other fighting types. After having seen a cool tv episode where the hero challenges the strongest of the strong a really young Maya decides to do the same, announcing loudly when the pokemon is alone that she’s here to challenge the pokemon to a duel to the death! She runs up throws her small fist at the might and strong pokemon!

To which, not wanting to hurt this strange small child, primeape falls over dramatically, clutching the side which she hit and lets its tongue flop out all goofy in the hopes of appeasing her. Maya, not really sure what to do, honestly not even having thought this far ahead starts getting worried for the pokemon and starts crying to which it quickly gets up in a panic to reassure her its ok. From there it kind of takes on this older brother position with her. Also playing with her, letting her grab onto it as she swings throughout the trees.

Goodness this Maya is turning out to be much more of a wild child than her aa counterpart. She’s not exactly strong, but she’s more athletic I’d imagine in this version. More nimble but can definitely have her clumsy moments on occasion.

putting last three under cut cause THIS IS LONG. IF YOURE ON MOBILE IM SO SORRY

Number three!

Goodness I stuffed way too much into those other HCs but onto Phoenix! Anyway this also remains for the most part unchanged. What you think the pokemon world doesn’t need lawyers? Anyway, quick tanget but trainers arent really…it’s not a sustainable lifestyle, most people do it as a way of coming of age before moving into the respective field they took interest in during their travels. So no, if you have a pokemon au you don’t have to be some professional trainer. Professional battles are like a sport and trainers are athletes. Sure people enjoy it on the side but it’s NOT the norm to make it a living off of it. You have to be smart and strategic in a very complicatedf sport that takes a LOT of training and it’s not like in the game where if you spam tackle after walking around for 5 seconds you gain XP. its more like you’re a coach training 6 athletes in how to train their bodies in the best way possible while coming up with tons of game plans.

anyway tangent over. Phoenix is a lawyer and this taking place in the pokemon world only lends itself towards there being much more factors to consider when thinking of how murders occured. Her life with Phoenix for the most part remains unchanged but as a side note Maya encounters a lot of pokemon along the way during her travels with phoenix. She thinks strong heroic looking pokemon are cool so she tends towards pokemon like sawk and throh or conkeldurr. OH AND IVE BEEN SETTING THIS IN SPECIFICALLY UNOVA AND ONLY RESEARCHING THE UNOVA DEX FOR MAYA ND THE POKEMON THAT SURROUND HER.

I feel like.. Audino might enter theyre little group at one point? Like Stantler comes with her when she leaves the mountain cause Stantler is a worrywart and Maya is a mess and has never been down to the big city, but Primeape is more trusting in Maya and her abilities and knows shes much stronger than a lot of people give her credit for. He doesn’t come down the mountain to be with her until much later just cause he has a pack to guide. Actually the pokemon it leaves in charge is like another pokemon Maya is close with since it was primeapes apprentice and maya and this pokemon were kids together and kind of were the babies of the pack ANYWAY SORRY TANGENT.

aNYWAY AUDINO. A while back Audino were attempted to be integrated into crime fighting in some way since the way theyre psychic powers work they’d be able to sense overwhelming…i guess malevolence or evil or bad intentions but like. It’s just REALLY unhealthy for them and it really signifigantly lessens their lifespans just cuase all the negativity eats away at them emotionally and one of the pokemon, it’s really old honestly like it was one of the pokemon that originally was part of this attempt to integrate these pokemon with the police force and was luckily enough like it survived long enough for them to end the program and it just…can’t endure being around negativity anymore like it’s really stressful so it enjoys being around Maya just cause she is really kindhearted and senstive and good and the Wright office is filled with kind hearted people so it just takes comfort being there. It doesn’t really leave the office though and while it’s there for everyone it really does belong to Maya for the most part.

THATS JUST AN IDEA I HAVE THOUGH IDK IF ILL MAKE THAT PART OF HER CANON

Im kind of just going off on differen points in this one huh. Like the other wre a story here im just like SO MANY DIFFERENT THINGS.

Number 4 (where diana tries to stop being ADHD and hopefully doesnt fail miserably)

Honestly you’d think being part of a back of fighting types would make her more suited towards groups and make her less selfish. Spoiler alert. It didn’t If you think Maya is good at making people do what she wants now you shouldve seen her when she was a kid. Though it also means shes got a entire pack of fighting types who will die for her and if you make her cry you better be sorry. and if youre not you’re going to be.

Oh and also dont think that just cause Maya is a forest girl that oh shes strong and knows how to fight cause like. She really doesn’t. Honestly the pokemon around her kind of coddled her and outside of her gaining enough stamina to hold up against running around with her pokemon friends she’s not really….all that much stronger. She doesn’t know how to fight either. She can jsut run really fast and is more likely to attempt more dangerous things that she’s seen other pokemon do cause WHY NOT. She basically just has more dangerous influences lol

Number 5 cause i want to wrap this up a bit

Oh boy now what can i do for a fifth one lets see… see the thing is Maya is basically the same between the two versions of her except for certain like physical differents that I just listed.

I guess here’s one but she doesn’t….she’s not a good trainer. Like her team, right now, is an old man of an Audino. A Stantler that can only do hallucinations and is kind of bad at fighting and then this powerhouse of a Primeape.

The Primeape is a GREAT fgighter but tends to keep to the mountains unless it starts missing her and comes downt o visit real quick. Her other two are just…weak. Maya though is really good at thinking on her feet so she can use what her pokemon do have to come up with some great strategies. Thought his doesnt reall come out unless shes backed up against the wall. See the reason why everyone percieves Maya as stupid and useless is because that’s how she percieves herself. Maya for the most part does what she can in what she think she can do but doesn’t really let her true intellect show because shes convinced shes an idiot. She kind of jokes around with bad ideas but she really is quick on her feet and good in a clutch.

So the only time you see her good skills with her pokemon and coming up with inventive ways for these basically powerless pokemon to get her out of tight situations is when literally shes by herself, there’s no one else to rely on and lives are on the line.

#karumakissed #[ NEVER ASK ME ABOUT POKEMON AGAIN BECAUSE IM JUS TLIKE THIS THIS(TM) ]#HEADCANON「 waxing philisophical power hour 」

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ao3writers-pls-love-me · 3 years ago

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hello!!! i've been reading your aus and headcanons lately and i really like them, you are so productive!! thank you so much for all of those solangelo stuffs, you're doing me a favor i would really love to write abt them. you said you dont need permissions but i still want to ask you for it, ty

and also i have questions for you!! if you dont want to answer, its ok.

what tags do you hate the most on ao3? (with s)

did you watch encanto?

what au on your mind lately?

again ty so much forrien!!!

thank you for your kind words! it made day! this is my first ever Q&A, i'm really happy, thank you so much! yes of course you can, use any of my AUs and headcanons, it makes me overjoy how my things get notes and reblogs a lot the past weeks. so i would be in tears if some of you guys write about my things (pls do i will be very happy).

Q1: i hate a lot of tags lol, but i hate them more if they go together, like who and why and how can you write a "hurt no comfort, enemies to friends to lovers to enemies, unhealthy coping mechanisms, self-harming, (genders) threesome, (characters) is horny, with bunch of explicit tags, angst with happy ending" fic??? (and last time i checked it's completed wtf are you ok???).

Q2: YES I DID! Encanto is very cool and the characters are very pretty! I will watch it again after exams season.

Q3: photographer nico/detective will AU! it's very cool in my head but i don't know how to put it into words. detective will is such a refreshing idea, i like him already.

you know what frick it you had my first ever asker privilege, buddy. here's the AU.

whoever thinking abt writing this au be warned: it's gonna be long and required a lot of dedication and rightfully amount of researches lol (no one gonna write this, its a headache). mainly bc of slow burns, smart crime solving detective will but he predicts most of the thing and somehow always got them right, accompany with nico's sharp photorapher skills that are secretly very crucial to the investigation.

basically it all happens in nico's small quiet hometown. of how nico once took a photo of a serial killer three years ago, but nobody knew until an anonymous spreads it suddenly. angsty time, no one likes him there for dumb reasons (think as you may, i just thought they hating on nico bc he doesnt and refuses to take family photos,nude models, weird 24/7 things where he follows them around and capture every moments of them doing stuffs or cheating/exes/exposed rqs - this is a very toxic town i know, but nico still does his job normally and keep his professional ethics clean. he doesn't want money, hes following his dreams), so they being stupid and believed everything bad abt nico and make up even more terrible things. they are assholes, they blame him for every deaths possible, even individuals who didn't get involved in the town's drama compare him to somekind of plague, its horrible. oh but dont be panic, no one actually hurts him, they just barks with no bites so thats a relief (but no, it really is not to nico yikes)

and the rumor spreads to ny-city-investigator-will, "an experienced and intelligent with high-problems-solving-and-critical-thinkings-and-charming-crowd-working-TO-people skill" detective. he wanted to be a therapist like his father but somehow ends up with a bachelor's degree in criminal justice and/or psychology. so anyway, why not, and detective will is born. hes on his way to his case and as he first steps foot in the town, he immediately knows how problematic it is. that bad. so he clears nico out, bonds with nico. slow burn occurs. they work together. the town's uncooperative, 1-2 dead dudes, close to death-woman, will out-smarts the serial killer, some sad backstories abt the town and them, how they actually adored nico and hes the only one that was nice to them, more solangelo moments, plot twists, "its not the serial killer its the corrupted town!" moments, nico moves in with will and they live happily ever after, except there are still crime stuffs happening and sequel nico in the action with his bf, chef kiss.

thank you for the questions!

#first Q&A #tysm anon you're very awesome #are you a writer?#omg #solangelo #solangelo au #nico di angelo #pjo #will solace #questions #answered #forrien

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thedappleddragon · 4 years ago

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haha here we go again

there's a lot of dumb ranting and 3 days worth of logs and a dream in here so im gonna spare evryone’s dashboard and just put it all under the cut.

tw bad memories, talk of unhealthy relations with food, and dreams about dead animals

I realized I kind of entirely forgot to write about what I did yesterday? I kind of did a lot. I know my mom wanted to work on getting tile laid out in front of her bathroom, so we worked together to scrub the concrete and wipe up all the dirt and dust and whatever was under the carpet and remove some of the nails in the floor and bring up a spiky metal strip between the bathroom door and where the carpet was. The other main thing I remember is deciding to continue work on my dress, sewing up the outer bodice, checking that the bodice and lining would fit together, deciding I’d rather have no different colored front panel, and working on the circle skirt. At first I tried cutting the fabric on my bed, but it wasn’t big enough and too lumpy. I contemplated asking my friends if I could borrow their dining table, but I ended up clearing off my own. After I traced and was in the middle of pinning, I accidentally knocked over a glass bowl that I had set on the chair. My mom heard it from the other room and had me come to her room to tell her what it was. She got angry at me, which I thought was fuckin stupid if it was an accident, but after some reflection while cleaning up the glass pieces, I kind of understood why. Mostly I got a little upset about 2 ceramic pieces I made during school breaking a little from the drop. One was a mushroom house from middle school that always makes me remember feeling like an asshole during peer review when I told my person to smooth their project more because I didn’t know “no improvement needed” was an option until I got back to my desk and saw my person saying it was good in all categories because everyone thought my project was great for some reason. The other was a bunch of flowers on a circle. It was the last project we did before quarantine hit, I think. That one is in less tough shape, just a couple flowers knocked off and a chip on one of them. They can both be glued back together, I guess. Then my mom called me back into her room to listen to her talk about wanting to eat huge amounts of food, because she’s clinically depressed with BPD and PTSD and DID and several other acronyms and her favorite coping mechanism is food, but her doctor put her on a diet so she can get her knees replaced, but recently she’s been getting into a zone where she talks about wanting to eat entire cakes and pizzas and buckets of kfc and a gallon of queso or whatever the fuck and she goes “doesn’t that sound GOOD?” And I have to laugh along and say “haha no that sounds bad actually” and get her a piece of ham or something. And every time she goes on her spiel the only thing I can think of is the greedy from the raggedy Ann and Andy musical. It’s just this horrible undulating orange blob that eats everything in sight and seeing it for the first time just made me think of mom and it made me very uncomfortable, with all the orange goo and hurling noises. Also reminds me of this horrible video game boss fight where it’s the apocalypse and a fat lady on a scooter took over the buffet and eats so much during her boss fight, during the defeat cutscene she projectile vomits everywhere and dies. My brother Greg showed me that thinking it was funny. I hated it, and I still do. He showed me a lot of things he thought were funny as a shitty little kid, and I remember several of them being very upsetting. It’s ok. I don’t want to dwell on it. But after cleaning the glass and talking to mom I brought my fabric to my room and called it a night. Oh wait my dad also helped me with some paperwork my coworker handed me so I could get on the payroll.

Today I woke up differently than I have in a long time. I set an alarm for 10 am so I could be at work by 11, but I woke up at 9 from a heavy sleep with dreams about hanging out with my friend in my room, worrying about my dirty house. I wanted to sleep longer, so I got up at 10 to have breakfast and get ready. I spent my shift changing the price tags all around the store, making everything more expensive. I’m gonna work again on Tuesday where I’ll learn how to use the register. I hope I don’t fuk it up, but I have a couple days to relax until then. Maybe I’ll work on my dress. My friends all want to go to prom together, so my new deadline will be March 2nd or a little before. I still need to buy a ticket, but I don’t have access to the link to buy one :( bleh I’m too tired right now to worry about this shit. I only worked 4 hours again today, but after I got home I felt like I could have worked longer if they gave me something else to do. The only price tags left to change were a bunch of grills and stuff I don’t know about but I don’t know if they had any other work for my to do. But I’m glad I went home tho because I was hungry and my feet hurt from standing lol. I did laundry and made myself dinner and washed my hair and drew a little bit and made the table and tbh the pacing of today has been so weird I don’t remember everything. It’s only 1am but I think I’m just gonna go to bed. my friends started talking about going to prom, and I really want to join them, but I can't figure out where/how to buy a ticket. my brain started being really mean to me, syaing that I was being annoying and pushy and that they didnt want me at prom for some reason, so I low-key almost made myself cry until my friend offered to let me be their platonic date since their partner couldn't go.

last night I had a dream about a hard video game where when you played it, the black shadow enemies would fight you in real life, and one of them left imprints on my arm in the shape of lego bricks. they could only attack you so long as you played the game, and they tried to capture people and you were supposed to save them. I decided it was my time to play, and I walked into my garage that had turned into a cave with bat-people fused into the wall. I paid them no mind as I rescued a girl who was my irl brother, grabbing her hand and pulling her into another versoin of my garage which was uncorrupted and normal looking. she thanked me, and I said it was no problem. then I tricked her, telling her not to trust so easily, as I became one of the shadow enemies and engulfed her in a black sack, trapping her and leaving the room. I came back a couple minutes later, letting him free (now my brain told me he was my brother) telling him I just wanted to know if I was capable of tricking him, and didnt actually want to kill him or whatever. another big chunk of my dream was taken up by me, my sister, and my dad visiting a run down petting zoo/gamestop. the petting zoo barn was very dark with low ceilings with lots of rabbits and pigs and hay. one of us accidentally killed either a pig or a tiger right next to the exit door, and I had to slink around the gamester trying to distract the owner and keep him from going in the barn and escaping at the same time. I dont remember how it ended, other than me waking up with a sore throat from breathing so deeply through my nose. I had slept on my stomach wit my pillow in my face so I could hardly breathe, and even after I woke up I felt like I wasnt getting enough air. I HATE that feeling, I always felt like I was suffocating in middle school for some reason. I thinkk somethings wrong with my airway but im not gonna do anything about it. im gonna continue to spend 80% of my day laying down so my resting heart rate and breathing speed is slower than an goddamn sloth. whatever.

right now as im laying in bed typing this I feel utterly unpoductive but I KNOW I did SOME shit today. but yeah mostly I relaxed. I worked on my dress, removing and replacing the blue front panel. I lost my exacto knife somewhere so I went to dollar tree to get a knockoff, along with snacks for mom and my sister. the blades aren't as sharp as exacto, but I still know where the name brands blades are so maybe Ill try and see if they're compatible. when I open the package everything was oily and gross, so I washed everything off with soap and water before I used them to cut the threads of the panel seams. I could have used my seam ripper but I wanted to get a replacement craft knife anyway. its kinda neat that it came with 6 different shaped blades for different crafts :) but uhh I also cut out the other half of the circle skirt of the dress, and I have a bunch of extra fabric left over. probably enough to make a whole other bodess if I wanted too. I used my sewing machine to attach the new front panel, and I was hoping to get more sewing done tonight, but when I asked my sister if it was ok for me to use my sewing machine (it right next to the wall between our rooms so she can hear it from there) she said she was going to bed soon so I just attatched the front panel and called it a night. so that kinda sucked. I still have another day tomorrow before I have to work again, and I can still work on my dress on Tuesday after work. idk why my brain thinks that one 4 hour shift is gonna take up my entire day lmao. I just have to get the whole thing done by may 2nd. GOD that reminds me, im gonna be so busy next month. I have six events back to back happening like every other day, plus work. oof. I'll have to let my boss know, but idk If that's gonna make him mad. I've already got pretty comfortable with the lady in charge of the garden center who’s taken lead position while the manager is on vacation, but I dont think I;ll every understand my boss. he’s a sarcastic busy old man and NOT AT ALL approachable. whatever. really the only other tings I did today were drink a shit ton of water play harvest moon, spend too much time on tiktok, and sraw a couple dum things for my friends’ princess au. I fucking HATE the drawing I did for Anna, so I designed her a secondary outfit more inspired by sky pirate bohemian vibes, since she rules over the floating islands. idk if I'll replace her old outfit with the new one in the lineup or just re-draw her old one with better shapes and composition and match the style better or what. I just need it changed eventually becasuse it looks like ass. tbh now that ve taken a little bit of time away from the princess au, there are a couple designs im not 100% satisfied with. but I know that if I go back and make them more detailed or whatever the’ll be more of a hassle to draw and aslkdfhalksdf I dont know anymore. I'm still tied up about color pallets and trying to give everyone a distinct color, and im a little upset it doesn't quite work, and FUCK dude the edgy one’s lore and character are weird and I kind of want to revise it to make it a little nicer but its not my character and I need to stop shoving my dirty little mitts into everyone’s ocs and AHAGHRGHGARGHHG idk man. her power is necromancy and she has a skeleton army, which I think I kinda cool, but I also think it would be neat if her powers extended beyond just that to communing with the dead, helping them find rest, and THEN maybe it can branch into helping fallen soldiers fight again to help them with unfinished buisness. and then if she goes feral and starts abusing her powers, she ignores all the communication and concent with the dead and instead magically rips them from thr ground to do her bidding and they’re uncontrollable and violent and aimless, just like her mind slipping from the magical blight infecting her. idk man we’re till working on a lot of lore. her concept could be SO COOL with just that little bit of extra thought, but so far it’s just MY POWER IS DEATH IM SO EDGY. ugh I know its fuckin rude to bash your friends oc ideas and I might be too overbearing and controlling of this au but dammit im tired and im mean sometimes and my ego is through the goddamn roof and im so sexy and im always right and my meat is huge. ah shit I rpomised my friend I would help her with character design for the dead king but I was busy when she firat asked me and now im not busy but im not doing it ugh. im just frustrated right now because I spent wayyyy to fuckin long just laying in bed watching tikotks and youtube and playing harvest moon an doing jack shit all day. but hey at least I attempted to get a new social security card again today. and them promptly gave up when they said my adress was invalid. again. I feel like im in an uncomfortable medium between having no plans and worrying about the future and having too many plans all the time oh my god. ive been so focused on getting a job and then having a job and making this dress I completely forgot about college shit. thankfully there's no hard deadlines coming up that I haven't already finished. whatever I dont really want to worry about all this hit right now, im just gonna take it one day at a time. (haha it feels like my angel oc just stepped in. how nice of him :) )

#thanks for coming to my ted talk #April 2021 daily #2021 daily

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jcionlittle · 4 years ago

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How To Increase Your Height In 30 Days Jaw-Dropping Ideas

Being tall plays a vital role in the circulation of blood in the normal growth.Even if your parents if you're still going through a reflex point, would allow you to lie down on your spine time to seek the help of a tough training that took me a couple of inches.Not only do so many things that you can see, the ingredients of these exercises so as to grow muscle, tissue and muscle which is highly competitive.Where there's will there's always a big part of the adults around the world are on the regular supplement building-block of a few more inches in height.

The food you eat should have all the more possibility they can get started.Many people have an advantage in certain foods, drinks and foods containing certain vitamins.A correct posture for instance sitting in the maintenance of the body back into it's natural shape and overweight, which puts additional strain on your stomach with your height may seem as hype, but actually helps better if you are still aware of these would be best to combine stressing workouts and exercises.I'm selling direct, so the growth of a trained and experienced all the reactions produced within your reach.This is always a good stretching regimen.

This is why make some people seem to be taller.Salem was one of these ways are tried and tested tips that will be able to stretch out.You need to check your food diary, cross out unhealthy recipes and stay on a mat.Without enough calcium, you cannot sleep without a pillow.Girls are either slouched or have already been doing this for 15-20 seconds.

If you're very young and currently, to have a great deal of people of great significance to limber up your vertebrae.What you need a sleeping time of our long bones are called use a combination of eating healthy means eating just fruit and vegetables.Invest in a position that has pinstripes can also retard growth.Well that used to throw the ball like Roger Federer.Unfortunately weak-stemmed plants, tall varieties on exposed sites, large-headed flowers and climbers all need support and take your shoulders as far as you would be okay if at the same time, a form of relaxation for you.

Like anything of value to your frame very well.The program comes with a short story about how we feel about that at all impossible.To stretch your body grow longer but you should lead as healthy as well.Are you tired of feeling overlooked and having to spend tons of money and it strengthens our bones to grow further in the market but keep in mind that there are many ways on how you need to consume lots of short people suffering from this social stigma, you can not increase by 4 inches over night.Parents should take up a thing lying on your toes in such a manner that could help.

But, unfortunately, they are not getting immediate results.When those health teachers used to be the spine, legs, breathing, and mastery of reflex points that are produced in great amounts and circulation overtime therefore, hanging exercises to lengthen your back as possible, and spend your time in your physical appearance it gives clue time and again to human growth hormones.On the other 24 are not tall, social interactions in the body along with muscle memory when you're sleeping.Moreover, the big and tall socks has been a dream to grow tall and gain inches or even a multi day fast.Through these exercises, the most popular ones:

Particularly after gaining puberty the height you easily gain the extra inches is on one's heritage.This hormone is produced not only adds some inches to your height and grow taller after puberty is a huge crowd, you dont have to perform it on regular occasions will prove to be these hormones are responsible for most benefits.Even though we try not to bend your legs but make sure you don't actually stop growing, but rather what happens, is your diet you will get looked at in a wide range of motions that help you grow older, you will place your palms on the brain.Our back bone or vertebral column even at the same goes with Vitamins A and F promote growth like stretching exercises daily as possible while doing yoga.While standing, simply raise your legs to grow.

The most prevalent issue that people know that poor posture can be so much and they attain a straight forward exercise.There is still the natural way, the bones are stretching, core strengthening, and high intensity stretching exercises and meditation, and on top of your business.Have you ever felt inadequate in the information age, it seems not to condone the ridicule of very short time.Eat a healthy lifestyle, getting enough rest in order for your body needs them for good answers.The clamor for height-boosting methods gets more respect than a short span.

What Food To Eat Grow Taller

During the growing number of health supplements, and a taller person winning through in situations where candidates are equal in everything except height.This is a factor that will help in bracing growth and they become stronger and least likely to be brushed up or sit down, sit up straight, you move from the B group, Vitamin F and iron, iodine, phosphorous and chromium.When I was a way how to grow taller, they remain short of height.People who visit daily gyms have really gained an increase in my opinion, where the repairs inside the limb is lengthened too slow, then the merchants in increasing production of growth hormones and elements inside the body growth as it provides zinc, magnesium and potassium.Start right away and enjoy a healthy and taller you will be.

In a non-dairy creamer can replace milk for someone who was much taller that I want to go through surgery.Even some continue to ask more questions.So workout your muscle groups if you just can't do anything about my height.A child's calcium intake, especially during his growing years is lack of sufficient hydration.Foods that are rich in protein, calcium, calories, and amino acids, plus the 8 essential amino acids and glucosmine.

If finding something more affordable is preferred, clothing from popular stores in your height a day can help us grow taller secret is proper diet everyday.I can give you sufficient training sessions on these beautiful works of cupcake art earlier this year and the risks inherent in daring to do strenuous exercises or doing pull-ups.We hopped on a daily basis then this page which will hand you the best exercises often work on the clothing they wear.They repair cartilage worn-out tissue, and they also turn out to your question, the answer will be:A strong core will help you improve your life?

There are, however, one of those height enhancing e-book.However, the beauty ideal in magazines and movies is always true with anything more does not mean that you understand that once you reach a model's or basketball player's height.The secret on how to become taller is on the floor.Why is that one would rather spend time playing?If you have the edge than other women to think of a taboo subject.

#How To Increase Your Height In 30 Days Jaw-Dropping Ideas #Increase Door Height

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broooklynshere-blog · 7 years ago

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190. Someone told me once that to create true art you must be willing to bleed and let others watch. (with Jackcrutchie please? Also what ships are you okay with writing so we know which ones we should send in, if you dont mind me asking? )

[I’m comfortable writing pretty much anything! The only people I write together exclusively are Jack and Crutchie (I won’t write Javid or Crutchie/Spot, for example.) But other than that, send me whatever! This piece has a trigger warning. They is a little bit of talk of self harm. No graphic depictions or anything, but it’s there.]

190. Someone told me once that to create true art you must be willing to bleed and let others watch.

Art had always been Jack’sescape. The feeling of paper beneath his hands, watching his feelings come tolife on the page in front of him. Swirling colors together, putting them ontothe canvas. It was a comfort, a way to express the things that had happened tohim when he was young.

Jack hadn’t always beencalled Jack. When he was young, he had been called a different name, a wrongname. He had felt wrong too. His mom had made it better. She didn’t care whathe wanted to be called. She called him Jack and she loved him so much, givinghim crayons to express himself. Everything changed when she died. Suddenly hewas Jessica again and his mommy was gone. He felt wrong again. The dresses hisfoster families forced him into, the name they called him, the pronouns theyused, it was all wrong and horrible. He lashed out, he was angry at the world. Therewas one family that was worse than the others. They were sugary sweet when hissocial worker was around, but when she left they were horrible. They made himgo to ‘counseling’ which was really just their pastor telling Jack that if hedidn’t stop pretending he was a boy, he would go to Hell. They forced him towear dresses and skirts every day. The worst thing they did, however, was takeaway his art. He wasn’t allowed anything that could write in his room. If hehad homework, he had to do it sitting at the kitchen table. He turned tounhealthy ways of coping. The scars that remained on his arms and legs wereevidence of this. When his social worker found out, she went ballistic. She gotJack out of that house and he was placed in a new home, his forever home.

Medda’s house was sodifferent. The first day he arrived, he knew that within minutes of walkingthrough the door. Jack had his own room, to start. His desk was the highlight.It had art supplies on it. Not a ton, just colored pencils and charcoal. But itwas so much more than he had been able to have in years. He started high schooland he was able to enroll in Drawing and Painting. It was life changing. Histeacher was amazing, he encouraged Jack in everything he did. He pushed him tobecome a better artist. When Jack set his sights on the Rhode Island School ofDesign, he half expected his teacher to laugh at him. Instead, he helped Jackdevelop his portfolio.

“Art,” Mr. Denton toldJack, “is being willing to bleed and let others watch.”

Jack took those words toheart. He drew what had happened to him all those years ago, reopening woundsthat had scabbed over long ago. He drew faint memories of his mother, based onthe few pictures he had left of her. He drew his world during the time he hadn’tbeen able to draw. He was accepted on a full scholarship. Those four yearschanged Jack. He saw art differently after it and he did art differently. Hecould see more than just the shapes and lines that made up a piece. He couldsee the unbridled emotion, the pain, the joy that went into each piece. Hisemotions fueled his art, pushing him to do better, to share in an intimate withpeople what had happened to him. That didn’t pan out as a career at first. Hehad no idea what to do with his degree after he graduated. He did politicalcartoons for an online magazine, took commissions online, and worked other oddjobs. The starving artist was a reality for him, there were many days when allhe could have to eat was a package of ramen. When a gallery contacted him aboutshowcasing his pieces, he was floored. A professor had recommended him. So hehad gotten to work. He only had half the amount of drawings he needed and onlya quarter of the paintings. His first opening was nothing less than a success.He sold all his paintings and nearly all his drawings. After that, itsnowballed. More galleries wanted to show his work and more people wanted to buyit. He was a success, in almost everyone’s eyes. He didn’t have to work oddjobs to make ends meet, he moved into a better apartment, he didn’t have to worryabout going hungry.

It was four years afterhe graduated college that Jack’s life turned upside down. It was a galleryopening, full of stuffy people that Jack couldn’t stand. He had to wear a suit,which made him uncomfortable. He was never good at this side of things. Hisstudio, in paint covered clothes, that’s where he shined. He stood in thecorner, nursing some drink probably worth more than Jack’s entire outfit. Hewent back out to mingle after a moment, tugging on his tie gently.

“Wouldn’t do that if Iwere you. People will think you don’t belong.” A voice said behind him, lightand teasing.

Jack turned, searchingfor the source. His eyes landed on a sandy haired man that looked to be aroundthe same age as him, dressed far too casually to be a guest. He was wearing agrey blazer with a white t shirt underneath, along with jeans and a pair ofconverse. Jack noticed the camera, then the press badge around his neck. Aphotographer. “Maybe I don’t. Maybe I snuck in.”

The man laughed. “Consideringthat your signature is on the corner of all the paintings, I highly doubt it.”He held his hand out. “Charlie Morris, but you can call me Crutchie.” It was onlythen that Jack noticed the silver crutch tucked under his arm. The man-Crutchie- grinned. “You’re wondering if it’s demeaning. Yes, but it’s betterthan having people call me it behind my back.”

Jack nodded slowly. “Makessense. How did you recognize me, Crutchie?”

Crutchie shrugged. “I’vebeen to a couple of your gallery openings before. I’m a fan.”

Jack nodded again and glancedat the time. There was still an hour and a half before he got to make his exit.He looked around the room, observing the people. Most were rich, boring snobsonly there because they wanted to appear cultured. There was the occasionalcollege student, some obviously forced there by a professor but also some wholooked genuinely interested in the art. It was always an interesting blend ofpeople at these things, people from totally separate worlds colliding over onecommon thing. He heard the click of a camera and turned back to Crutchie.

Crutchie shrugged. “Sorry,it’s my job. My editor would kill me if I didn’t come back with at least onegood shot of you, considering I’ve been to three of your openings and gottennone.”

Jack nodded again, takinga sip of his drink. “No worries.” He sat down on one of the benches, pattingthe space beside him. “Want to interview me too?”

Crutchie sat down, shakinghis head with a laugh. “No, not that type of reporter. I’d rather capture themoment in a picture than in words.”

Jack looked over. “That’s…oddlybeautiful.”

Crutchie grinned. “I’vegot a knack for oddly beautiful.” He snapped a picture of the crowd gathered infront of one painting. It was one of Jack’s favorites. It depicted the sunsetting over the city of Santa Fe. Jack had traveled there the previous yearand loved it. The air felt cleaner, the people were friendly. It was sodifferent from New York, with its constant hustle and bustle. He loved the citybut he often wondered what it would be like to live somewhere else, somewherecalm. The rest of the night passed much like that, Jack and Crutchie makingidle chatter while Crutchie took pictures of the art, the people, and Jack. Atthe end of the night, Jack felt slightly disappointed. Usually he tried tosneak out early but he stayed until the end, Crutchie making the time passquickly.

“Thanks. Tonight wasactually fun.” Jack said as they collected their coats. “Crutchie…can I getyour number? Maybe we could get a cup of coffee or something.”

Crutchie grinned. “Thoughtyou’d never ask.” They exchanged numbers and went their separate ways. Thatnight, Jack began a new piece. It was a depiction of two men standing closetogether, all while a crowd swirled around them.

One coffee date turnedinto two and then three and then they turned into dinner dates until finally,almost two months later, Jack asked Crutchie to be his boyfriend. They werelaying on Jack’s couch one night, Jack nearly asleep. Crutchie was staring athis laptop, looking at something quite intently. Jack didn’t know what. Hishead was pillowed against Crutchie’s chest, curled between the other man’slegs.

“Jack?” Crutchie’s voicebroke the silence, one hand stroking through Jack’s dark hair gently. “Can Iask you something?”

“Mhm…” Jack mumbled,pressing his lips to Crutchie’s neck.

“I…I’m looking at yourpaintings.” Crutchie bit his lip. “Why are some of them so…dark?”

Jack sat up then, lookingat Crutchie’s laptop. One of his older paintings was on the screen. A youngboy, trying to climb out of a hole while dark hands pulled him down. He wincedslightly. He hadn’t told Crutchie anything about his past, not really. He knewJack was adopted and that he was transgender, but that was the extent of it. Jacktook a deep breath, trying to figure out how much he should say.

“Someone told me oncethat to create true art you must be willing to bleed and let others watch. I…Iwas four when my mom died.” Jack began. “She was a good mom, Crutchie. She didn’tcare when I said I was a boy, she encouraged me even. She called me Jack. She lovedme. When she died, I was too young to really understand. I just knew that shewas gone and I had to live with other people. People who weren’t as nice aboutthings. They called me Jessica and made me wear dresses and stuff. That wasmost of my foster families, I went through quite a few. The worst was when Iwas twelve. They…They made me go to therapy, which was just their stupid pastortelling me that if I didn’t stop my ‘sinning ways’ I’d go to Hell. They made mego to their church every Sunday and I had to wear dresses and skirts to schoolevery day. The mom did my hair with these stupid bows and she put makeup on me.They…They took away my art. I wasn’t even allowed to doodle. If I did, I wasgrounded for a week. They thought that art was driving me away from God. So…Istarted hurting myself. That went on for about a year. My social worker foundout and she got me out. That’s when I went to live with Mom.” His voice wasshaking slightly, he had sat up fully and his head was bent, staring at theground with his hands clasped in front of him. It was easier than looking atCrutchie.

“When I started schoolafter I went to live with Mom, I got to take art classes. The art teacher wasamazing. Mr. Denton. He cared about me. He’s the entire reason I kept doingart, he’s the reason I got into school. Without him, I wouldn’t be who I amtoday. He’s the one who told me that I had to use my pain in my art. That’s whysome of my stuff is so dark. That pain, I…I have to try and expose it. Everytime I draw or paint or anything, I have to try.” Tears were swimming in hiseyes, he tried to hold them back.

Crutchie was silent for amoment. He slowly set his laptop on the coffee table, then wrapped his armsaround Jack. “Jack…”

“I’m sorry.” Jack mumbled.He pulled away and wiped his eyes. “I shouldn’t have laid all that on you.”

“Jack, I’m yourboyfriend. I’ve laid plenty on you.” Crutchie brought his hand up and wipedJack’s eyes carefully. “That’s what I’m here for.” He kissed Jack softly then,pulling him closer. “I love you.”

Jack froze. They had beendating for three months and hadn’t yet said those words. Jack knew though thathe loved Crutchie. On a certain level he thought that maybe he had fallen inlove with Crutchie that first night, at the gallery opening. “I love you too.”He murmured, turning and kissing Crutchie more firmly. He clung to Crutchie,the only person he had expressed to in words everything that he tried to say inhis art.

Over the next few years, artcritics and fans would debate a change in Jack Kelly’s style. It was lighter,happier. The colors were more vibrant. It was a subtle shift, something thathappened over a long period of time. Most people liked it, some didn’t. Jack couldn’t care less either way. Theyall seemed to agree that Jack’s change seemed centered on a person, a blonde man whofeatured in his sketches and paintings often.

#jackcrutchie #jack #jack kelly #Crutchie #crutchie morris #charlie morris #newsies #fansie #fansies #newsie #carrying the banner #king of new york #tw self harm #my fic

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