#also theresa have existed since a long time ago

[phaeroh]

I do what I do best, hopping in a bandwagon and then leave without a word

MFB OCs, left side is Viera and right side is Theresa. More info later if I feel like doing it. But if there's something that I can say is that Viera is a blader and Theresa is a bey mechanic.

[denimbex1986]

'The Doctor finds themself wearing a familiar face for the first time in their 2,000+ years of existence. Donna Noble and her family are suddenly in the middle of a world of aliens and spaceships for the first time since her memories were wiped by the Doctor fifteen years ago. Despite Donna’s lack of memory and the Doctor’s best efforts coincidence or destiny has thrust these two one-time best friends back together. This is where Doctor Who’s 60th Anniversary Trilogy of Specials – “The Star Beast,” “Wild Blue Yonder,” and “The Giggle” – begin. Russell T Davies has returned as showrunner! David Tennant is back as the Doctor! Catherine Tate is back as Donna! Not having to wait for the Blu-ray release to rewatch episodes for the first time since Jodie Whittaker debuted in “The Woman Who Fell To Earth” has me basically living on Disney+. And what’s struck me most as I’ve watched these specials again and again is how beautifully they present the mirror of friendship using two characters, two best friends, who find themselves at existential crossroads with their identities...

Theresa used to have a little poster hanging in her classroom which said, “You become like the five people you spend the most time with. Choose carefully.” And wow has my analytical part spent a lot of time thinking about that! Our friendships certainly shape us. Our friends also serve as a mirror which reflect who we are in a very intimate way, both in whom we connect with and how we are within those relationships. The Doctor and Donna share such a relationship and for all the Meeps, Wrath Warriors, Not-Things, and Toymakers, watching them reconnect across this trilogy of specials was my favorite part of the 60th anniversary experience :).

As Doctor Who’s 60th anniversary was a trilogy, I’m going to address these themes with each in turn! So feel free to read this as one unified piece or just read about the specials you’ve seen or are most interested in exploring.

Doctor Who: The Star Beast

If friendship is a mirror, to lose our memories of and/or connection to a best friend means our reflection is incomplete. We struggle to see ourselves as we once did. When we first meet Donna in “The Star Beast” with her mother Sylvia (Jaqueline King), and meet her daughter Rose (Yasmin Finney) and husband Shaun (Karl Collins) for the first time (okay, yes, Shaun was in “The End of Time Part Two” but it was just for a moment and we only see him from a distance), she is still very much Donna. Though it’s clear she feels the shape of something missing in her life.

Sitting at her kitchen table, Donna tells Sylvia, “Sometimes I think there’s something missing. Like I had something lovely, and it’s gone. And I, I kinda look to the side like something should be there but it’s not. And I know I’ve got Rose and Sean and you and the biggest sausage roll I’ve ever seen and frankly I should be happy. I should be really happy. But some nights I lie in bed thinking…what have I lost?” We are the sum total of our memories. Without one or some (or all?) we’d still be ourselves…but undeniably different. And having a sense of the something you lost would have to be a restless way to live.

But the Doctor can remember and, when I think about it, I imagine that would be harder. He knows he lost this brilliant, beautiful best friend. All the feelings he had for her live on in his hearts, surrounded by the dull ache of loss. For me, that one seems worse. Donna longs for something she lost but the Doctor knows who and what he lost.

The Doctor, having regenerated into a familiar form, is also anxious and unsettled. Though he is clearly happy to be back in his old body again! Many people online have pointed out how he emerges from the TARDIS in London with an energy very reminiscent of the opening of the 2008 Christmas special, “The Next Doctor.” It feels so happy! He’s smiling as he wanders through the street. At this moment, those anxious and unsettled parts are unblended and he���s able to enjoy the beginning of this new life, a half hour or so after his regeneration. But when the Doctor meets UNIT’s new scientific advisor, Shirley Anne Bingham (Ruth Madeley), he beings to speak openly about the confusing nature of his regeneration:

The Doctor – “Eh, it’s all a bit mad, don’t you think? I don’t know who I am anymore.”

Shirley – “Well, you look like the Doctor to me.”

The Doctor – “Well, exactly, the one in the skinny suit. After that I wear a bowtie. After that I’m a Scotsman. And after that I’m a woman.”

Shirley – “But that’s your future. You can’t know that. It’s forbidden.”

The Doctor – “I regenerated. And she became me.”

Shirley – “You got your old face back?”

The Doctor – “Yep.”

Shirley – “But why?”

The Doctor – “Eh, that’s what I’m worried about. Because I’ve got this friend, called Donna Noble. And she was my best friend in the whole wide universe, I absolutely love her. Oh! Um, do I say things like that now?”

Shirley – “Sounds like a good thing to say.”

The Doctor – “But Donna took the mind of a Time Lord into her head. I had to wipe her memory to save her life. If she ever remembers me she will die. So what happens next? I get this face back and the TARDIS lands right next to her. I turn around and there’s her husband. Then a spaceship crashes right in front of her. It’s like she’s drawing us in….the universe is turning around her again. I don’t believe in destiny but if destiny exists, it’s heading for Donna Noble right now.”

The Doctor doesn’t understand who he is anymore but he instinctively begins to try and sort the question of his identity through Donna. He is wearing his old face. The “universe is turning around her again.” There must be a connection. And it’s because of Donna he realizes he’s the sort of person who says things like, “I absolutely love her.” He says much the same about Wilf: “I loved that man.” For the notoriously closed off Time Lord, this willingness to be open and vulnerable is remarkable growth. And I’d wager that Dan (John Bishop)’s gently yet insistently pushing both the Thirteenth Doctor and Yaz (Mandip Gill) to own and voice their feelings for each other plays a role in the Fourteenth Doctor’s newfound openness :). And that makes me so happy!

Uncertainty aside, the Doctor and Donna quickly fall into familiar rhythms. As the Meep threatens all of London, the Doctor does what the Doctor does and Donna instinctively springs into action beside him. With the lives of nine million people at stake, Donna freely volunteers her life to save the others and the Doctor, with great pain and frustration, allows her to do so. They each make their own ultimate sacrifice – Donna in giving up her life and the Doctor in killing his best friend – to save Rose and all of London. This is who they are.

But Donna lives! Because the Meta-Crisis was passed down to Rose! What was too much for one human to hold becomes a shared inheritance. Donna’s survival also brings the dawning of greater comprehension:

The Doctor – “We’re binary.”

Donna – “She’s not. Because the Doctor’s…”

The Doctor – “…male…”

Donna – “…and female.”

Rose – “And neither. And more.”

Rose’s role in the Meta-Crisis allows the Doctor and Donna to articulate the full nature of the Doctor’s identity with greater clarity than ever before. In a beautiful moment, Donna and Rose chose to “just let it go.” Donna has her memories back (and she lived! (yay!)). Rose is finally herself. But the Doctor is still uncertain as to why his old face returned.

Onboard the TARDIS he brushes that question off but tells Donna, “I really do remember though, every second with you. And I’m so glad you’re back ‘cause it killed me Donna. It killed me, it killed me, it killed me.” Donna ask, “We can have more days, can’t we? I mean why is it such a big goodbye with you? Why is it one last trip? ‘Cause you visit, with my family. We could do outrageous things like have tea, dinner, and a laugh. And Rose’s school play, well maybe not that, she can’t act, she’s terrible, I don’t know how to tell her. But the point is, you’ve been given a second chance. You can do things different this time. So why don’t you do something completely new – and have some friends?” Tentatively the Doctor replies, “Yeah. Maybe. Yeah.”

To me this feels like the key to the entire special. Similarly to his saying he loves Donna and Wilf, the Doctor is being open and vulnerable in telling Donna, “I’m so glad you’re back ‘cause it killed me Donna. It killed me, it killed me, it killed me.” Donna, comfortably settling into her new old self – restored memories alongside the person she’s become with her family – notes the Doctor has been given a second chance to do things differently with this face. While the Eleventh Doctor visited with Amy and Rory and the Twelfth Doctor did with Clara, it’s not the Doctor’s usual m.o. and you can see the reluctance on the his face. Fear of the Twelfth Doctor’s weariness, expressed at the end of his life – “A life this long, do you understand what it is? It’s a battlefield, like this one, and it’s empty. Because everyone else has fallen”[1] – is evident. But he doesn’t give a hard no! Perhaps the Doctor is willing to change, at least for Donna, his best friend in the whole, wide universe.

Doctor Who: Wild Blue Yonder:

The reflection friendship shows includes our deepest fears, anxieties, and insecurities. Beside a friend with whom we feel safe we find a place to open, be with, share, and – sometimes, eventually – heal the wounds and traumas which fuel those fears. When a seemingly out of control TARDIS drops the Doctor and Donna on an abandoned spaceship at the very literal edge of creation before dematerializing on its own, they are forced to see this reflection of themselves through a glass, darkly, in a horror-tinged version of friendship’s mirror.

The Doctor – “I’m sorry, Donna. The TARDIS was out of control. It’s taken us to the edge of the universe.”

Donna – “So what’s out there?”

The Doctor – “Well, that’s difficult – for you – because if the universe is everything than the concept of an everything having an edge is kind if impossible. But that’s the language of 21st century Earth and you don’t know anything yet. I’m not being rude, you just don’t. When you discover Cambodian flat mathematics, you’ll discover it’s possible.”

Donna – “What?”

The Doctor – “That. Nothing. The edge of creation. Absolute nothingness.”

What’s funny is I think about this all the time! Theresa tells her students the Big Bang left the universe hurtling outward as it literally expands into nothing. She explains we can’t conceive of nothing because we’re things so we’ve evolved the ability to understand other things. We can conceive of darkness or emptiness or vastness or space but we literally can’t wrap our heads around nothing. We’re not wired that way. The first time I heard her say that I fell in love with it! I even use her example as the frame for talking to my students about how we can never fully conceive of God as infinite transcendence.

All this is to say, I think about the literal edge of creation and absolute nothingness A LOT. And I love it as the setting for an existentialist horror look into who and what we are. Both the Doctor and Donna have their own sense of self shaken, just as its taking a more solid shape, and they need to find strength and security in the other.

This is so human and I love it. Just yesterday, Lauren took a half day and we got lunch, hung out, and ran errands all afternoon. My last two weeks have been hard (work is still taking more from me every day and my emotional exhaustion is overwhelming) so Lauren wanted to be sure we had some time together. I was eager to see her – I always am – but a part of me felt bad because she was taking off work because I’m a mess. I was talking about this part with Kalie when she smiled and reminded me, “That’s what people who love you do. It’s what friends are for.” My day with Lauren was so beautiful and so restorative. It filled me back up! Pushed to the brink of existential despair, hunted and haunted throughout this ship, the Doctor and Donna can only do the same, regrounding themselves in each other – something the Not-Things intentionally try to destabilize.

The Not-Things take their shape so the Doctor and Donna never know if they are talking to each other or the Not-Things. Sometimes they are near perfect copies, others a ghastly perversion. When the Doctor asks them, “Where did you come from? You’re not part of the ship, are you? Did you come from outside?” The Not-Thing Donna says, “We came from the Nothing.” The Not-Thing Doctor says, “We are not things.” Then with malicious intrigue the Not-Thing Donna adds, “But you, you are not nothing.”

I love the different levels of fear here! First you have these dark, twisted, and at times monstrously disproportioned copies of the Doctor and Donna chasing them. Then the Doctor and Donna have the fear and anxiety of never being sure who they are talking to – their best friend or the Not-Thing. Then you have (what I would argue is) the more disquieting and disturbing fear of your best friend not being able to recognize you. Thinking of yesterday, one of the things that makes Lauren such an important friend is she’s safe – I can share anything with her and I know it will be received, honored, and cared for. There is nothing I can’t tell her. I get all sorts of anxious, as it affects that safety, if I imagine talking to Lauren but not knowing if it is Lauren. And that deep, pervasive anxiety turns into an almost painful fear to imagine Lauren not recognizing me as it seems to imply (even though it’s all a result of the Not-Things machinations) the friendship, the closeness and security we share, isn’t what we thought it was.

Dancing between that anxiety and fear, the Not-Things attack. The Not-Thing Donna rips open the trauma of the Doctor learning they are the Timeless Child and the destruction caused by the Flux.

Not-Thing Donna – “So where are you from?”

The Doctor – “No, we’ve done that. We talked about that, back there out loud. All four of us know it’s Gallifrey.”

Not-Thing Donna – “Except…it’s not.”

The Doctor – [pause] “What d’you mean?”

Not-Thing Donna – “You don’t know where you’re from.”

The Doctor – “How d’you know that? How does anyone know? How does Donna know?”

Not-Thing Donna – “Back on Earth, when I was the Doctor Donna, I saw your mind. I’ve had fifteen years without you and I saw everything that’s happened to you since and oh my God, it hurt.”

The Doctor – [tears in his eyes] “You’re saying this to break me down.”

Not-Thing Donna – “We haven’t stopped. To talk. We haven’t had a chance. It’s always like that with you, running from one thing to the next but I saw it. In your head. The Flux.”

The Doctor – [voice shaking] “It destroyed half the universe because of me. We stand here now, on the edge of creation, a creation which I devastated, so yes I keep running – of course I do! How am I supposed to look back on that??”

Not-Thing Donna – “It wasn’t your fault!”

The Doctor – “I KNOW!”

Not-Thing Donna – “I’m sorry.”

The Doctor – [plaintive] “Donna, is that you?”

Not-Thing Donna – “Yeah.”

The Doctor – “All those years, I missed you.”

On the one hand, the Doctor’s guarded. He knows the Not-Thing Donna would work to break him. On the other, he desperately hopes it is Donna so she knows but he doesn’t have to say it and he can be vulnerable with her without the struggle to get past those protector parts which hold his trauma close. With tears in his eyes and his voice breaking, he goes to hug her and the Not-Thing Donna dissolves into a puddle and laughs at him.

The Not-Thing Donna twists a knife in the trauma of his loneliness, insecurity around his identity, and guilt of all those he couldn’t save. While the Not-Thing Doctor strikes at Donna’s sense of self-worth.

Trying to prove she’s really her, Donna says, “I was born in South Hampton ‘cause my mum and dad where there for the weekend visiting my Auntie Iris. My mum was nine months pregnant but would Iris come to her? No she would not. So I arrived in South Hampton which allowed my mother to say I was a problem from the day I was born. And I’ve now come to the edge of the universe to discover I’m still dealing with that. So you can copy my memory but there’s only one person who can understand my family like that and that is me. I’m definitely Donna.” When Donna notices the tie the Not-Thing Doctor took off to prove he was the Doctor had disappeared he says, “Oh, I see. When something is gone it keeps existing. [bending over backwards to crab walk in the creepiest way possible.] Auntie Iris! Mummy and Daddy! Ya-da-da-da-da-da-dah! Why does he travel with someone as stupid as you?” And he chases her out of the room.

Beautifully, it’s the existence of our polarized parts that allow the Doctor to cut through the Not-Things’ deception. As someone who spends a lot of time aware of and being with my own polarized parts, this warmed my heart :).

The Doctor –“You think you’re stupid?’

Not-Thing Donna – “Of course I do.”

The Doctor – “That’s very Donna.”

Not-Thing Doctor – “That’s so Donna. That’s my Donna.”

The Doctor – “Except Donna does not think she’s stupid.”

Donna and Not-Thing Donna – “Oh I do.”

The Doctor – “No, Donna thinks she’s stupid and, sometimes, she thinks she’s brilliant. She thinks both. Because that’s the astonishing thing about people from our planet – they can believe two completely different things at exactly the same time.”

For a moment, the Not-Things freeze and the Doctor and Donna run into each other’s arms. Once they are sure who’s who, the Not-Things begin to strike at humanity’s nature to shake their faith in what they are as they attacked their sense of who they are.

Not-Thing Doctor – “We drifted here, in the lack of light, passing no time. But we would feel it – from so far away – your noisy, boiling universe. We wanted to travel there, to play your vicious games, and win.”

The Doctor – “If you existed here, no shape, no form, no purpose, then what’s made you so…bad?”

Not-Thing Doctor – “The things we felt, they shaped us. Carrying across the dark. We could hear your lives of war. Blood and fury and hate. They made us like this.”

Donna – “We’re more than that.”

Not-Thing Donna – “Love letters don’t travel very far.”

Oh, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this scene. Is it real? Or rather, are the Not-Things telling the truth? Donna overtly rejects it and it undercuts everything the Doctor is always saying about humanity. Soooo, did the violence and hate of our universe shape them as they moved from the nothing into existence? Or are they trying to get in Donna and the Doctor’s heads to break them down? Or is it both?

Ultimately Donna and the Doctor realize the Not-Things need them to be afraid so their bodies and brains move faster which is essential for the Not-Things to copy them. I think that’s an interesting commentary too, on how our fears shape us and reveal our identity. Donna is shaped by a lifetime of insecurity her mother helped cultivate just as the Doctor is shaped by not knowing who he is and his guilt over what he couldn’t stop.

Despite all the head games of existential horror, Donna and the Doctor stop the Not-Things, leaving them to die in the fiery furnace of the exploding ship. Back on the TARDIS the Doctor tentatively, nervously, and trying to project an aura of casual indifference, asks if Donna could remember what the Not-Thing Donna knew. She doesn’t. Donna says it’s too much, like looking into a furnace. So the Doctor pulls inward again, desperate to talk about it all but unable yet to voice his trauma out loud. Lovingly, Donna presses the issue, “C’mon. Where have you been since I last saw you? What’s happened?” The Doctor brushes it off, “Eh, you know, the usual. Robots, chases, waterfalls.” But Donna keeps the invitation open, “Oh, okay. But what really happened?” The Doctor takes a long pause before simply saying, “A lot.” Donna asks if he’s okay before another long pause when the Doctor assures her, “I will be.” Donna asks when and the Doctor tells her, “A million years.”

With “The Star Beast” the Doctor and Donna joyously reconnect, finding there fuller sense of self in their reflection with the other. In “Wild Blue Yonder,’ they seek the safety friendship provides as they are forced to face their deep insecurities under the terrifying spotlight of the Not-Things. Though, given the horror vibes of the special, I’d say it’s key scene is the moment the Doctor incorrectly chooses the Not-Thing Donna to take onboard the TARDIS. As it dematerializes Donna screams, desperate for the Doctor to come back. With tears falling down her face she stares at her own death, knowing she’ll never see her family again, and feels the gut-wrenching, soul-shaking pain of not being recognized – of not being seen – by someone she loves so much and is so loved by in return. When the Doctor realizes his mistake and returns for her, they embrace in the safety of the TARDIS. The traumatized looks on their faces show what they endured. In that moment they desperately need to be held by someone with whom they feel safe, someone who understands, someone who sees and loves them as they are.

Doctor Who: The Giggle:

The reflection of ourselves we see in the mirror of friendship is a fuller reflection of who we are than we are able (or willing) to see on our own. Our friends often see when we’re hurting and when we need help before we are willing to own and admit it. They often see who we really are when we hold ourselves in guilt and shame we needn’t carry. The beauty of this is our friends can help us see all that, too. And this is exactly what Donna does for the Doctor when the Toymaker (Neil Patrick Harris) escapes his exile outside of existence and returns to this realm looking to destroy humanity with the most malevolent of games.

With violence erupting all over the globe as every human being on the planet suddenly believes they are right and won’t be told otherwise, UNIT comes to collect the Doctor and Donna. At UNIT HQ in central London, they are greeted by Shirley Ann Bingham, Kate Stewart (Jemma Redgrave), and Melanie Bush (Bonnie Langford), who travelled with the Sixth and Seventh Doctors. They realize a giggle imbedded in every screen since the very first television broadcast is what’s unleashing all of humanity’s darkest impulses.

The Doctor and Donna head back to 1925, the date of the first recording of the puppet Stooky Bill, to try and find answers. Leaving the TARDIS in 1920s New York, Donna tries yet again to get the Doctor to open up.

Donna – “So, what about Mel?!”

The Doctor – “Haha, she’s brilliant, isn’t she?”

Donna – “Yeah but I just keep thinking, all this time, you’ve never mentioned her.”

The Doctor – “Donna, I’m a billion years old. If I stopped and talked about everyone I’ve ever met we’d still be in the TARDIS yapping.”

Donna – “So you talk about no one ever. You just keep charging on.”

The Doctor – “Yes because I’m busy, like now.”

Donna – “Of course you’re busy every second of every day. I mean look at us now, we haven’t stopped. I saw you Doctor. I got a glimpse inside your mind. And it’s like you’re staggering. You are staggering along. Maybe that’s why your old face came back. You’re wearing yourself down.”

The Doctor pauses, decides to ignore her point, and redirects the conversation to finding the shop which sold the Stooky Bill John Logie Baird used in his first television transmission.

Much like Lauren did for me yesterday, Donna can see the Doctor’s hurting. She sees he’s exhausted, burn out, and run down. Though, unlike my response to Lauren, the Doctor is unwilling to acknowledge what Donna sees. The reflection is too clear, too accurate for the Doctor’s comfort. So instead he chooses to look away from the mirror Donna provides and instead focus on their mission.

Following the Toymaker into his realm, the Doctor’s desperation becomes more and more apparent as he and Donna race down endless identical hallways lined with endless identical doors. The Doctor’s façade begins to break a bit. The fear and the vulnerability begin to show. While he’d rather not own this (as evident by their conversation on the street outside the Toymaker’s shop), the Doctor can hold it back no longer. Donna is safe so he’s honest.

Donna – “Yeah but, you always say…”

The Doctor – “Oh, what do I say? What do I say?? What do I say?? ‘Cause I’m always so certain. I’m all sonic and TARDIS and Time Lord, take that away. [with tears in his eyes and doubt on his face] Take away the toys…what am I? What am I now? [with fearful resignation] I don’t know…if I can save your life this time.”

Donna – “It’s not about me.”

The Doctor – “Oh yes it is.”

Donna – “Well, maybe I’ll save you. You big idiot.”

With all these vulnerabilities, insecurities, and fear shining back at the Doctor, Donna gives him a place to be safe. She reassures him that protecting her isn’t what it’s about and she may just save him this time. Often our closest friends, the ones we love the most and are loved the most by in return, aren’t “just” the ones who can see when we’re hurting and need to be saved but they are the ones who we’ll let save us. This is the relationship Donna and the Doctor share.

They find the Toymaker and the Doctor challenges him to a game, a game he loses. This leaves the score at 1-1 as the First Doctor beat the Toymaker when they met and the Fourteenth Doctor just lost to the Toymaker. Back in 2023, they prepare for their final round at UNIT HQ. The Doctor – and this is such a Doctor thing to do – asks the Toymaker why he’s “so small.” Then he invites the Toymaker to leave this planet and these games behind to travel the cosmos with him so they can be “celestial” together, playing infinite games across the universe for all eternity.

The Toymaker considers…before blasting the Doctor through the chest and saying, “I played the first game with one Doctor. I played the second game with this Doctor. Therefore your own rules have decreed I play the third game with the next Doctor!” Donna comes forward telling the Toymaker, “He’s not dying alone. You can do what you like with me, I’m gonna be with him.” Mel agrees, “And so am I.”

Donna – [taking his hand] “It’s okay.”

The Doctor – “It’s not dying.”

Donna – “I know, but…”

Mel – “You’re gonna be someone else. It doesn’t matter who. ‘Cause every single one of you is fantastic.”

The Doctor – “It’s time. Here we go again. [several deep breaths] Allons-y…”

This is such a different attitude than the last time this face regenerated! It shows all the growth the Doctor went through in his Eleventh, Twelfth, and Thirteenth incarnations. And it shows the place he was able to get to with Donna by his side, creating a safe place for his fears and guilt, pressing him in loving ways to open up, and always reminding him of who he really is. Instead of seeing it as dying, now he assures them he isn’t dying. He is serene instead of angry. He says allons-y (“lets go”) instead of I don’t want to go.

As regenerations go, it was a beautiful one. Or it would have been. Instead the Doctor bigenerated.

With regeneration energy flickering around him, Donna and Mel, under the Doctor’s instructions, each grab an arm and pull…and the Fourteenth and Fifteenth Doctor split in two! My head is already spinning with thoughts here but I don’t want to lose the thread. That’s the story for another post.

Like Theresa’s sign said, we become like the people we spend the most time with so we much choose carefully. Reunited with Donna, who has consistently urged the Doctor to open up and talk with her – always insistent but always lovingly – we see the new Doctor bearing Donna’s imprint. This Doctor, the Fifteenth Doctor, seems to have finally healed from all the trauma of the Time War. He has finally learned a lesson the Twelfth and Thirteenth Doctors hadn’t learned even after the Eleventh Doctor changed their actions in the Time War and saved Gallifrey. As the Fourteenth Doctor glumly looks out over London, the Fifteenth Doctor and Donna come up on either side of him.

Fifteenth Doctor – [putting his arm around the Fourteenth Doctor] “Hey, we did it.”

Fourteenth Doctor – “But how many died down there?”

Donna – “It’s not your fault.”

Fifteenth Doctor – “You can’t save everyone.”

Fourteenth Doctor – “Why not?”

Fifteenth Doctor – “Come here. [pulling the Fourteenth Doctor into his arms] I’ve got you, yeah? It’s okay. I’m here.”

The Fifteenth Doctor kisses the Fourteenth Doctor’s forehead and looks him in the eye. Then he puts his arm around him again, as does Donna. They all walk away, arms around each other. With Donna’s influence (and carrying the echoes of everyone they’ve loved and everything they’ve learned over the last 1,100 years since they wore that face) the Doctor can finally hold their wounded part (or, as the case may be here, regenerated self) carrying all that trauma and tell them I’ve got you, yeah? It’s okay. I’m here. They can now comfort and hold themselves alongside Donna as they heal in the way they’ve needed Donna to do for them.

The key scene here comes back in the TARDIS, as the Fourteenth Doctor assures Donna and his new self he’ll be alright. The Fifteenth Doctor corrects him, “No, you’re thin as a pin, love. You’re running on fumes.” Donna agrees, “That’s what I keep saying.” The Fourteenth Doctor protests, pointing to the Fifteenth Doctor, “But you’re fine.”

Fifteenth Doctor – “I’m fine because you fix yourself. We’re Time Lords. We’re doing rehab out of order.”

Donna – “He’s saying you need to stop.”

Fourteenth Doctor – “But I don’t know how.”

Donna – “Well, I can tell you. Do you know what I did, when you went flying off in your blue box, space man? I stayed in one place. And I lived. Day after day after day.”

Fourteenth Doctor – [rolling his eyes] “That would drive me mad.”

Donna – “Haha, yeah, it does. But you keep on going. And that’s the adventure. The one adventure you’ve never had. ‘Cause I’ve worked out what happened. You changed your face and then you found me. Do you know why?”

Fourteenth Doctor – [quietly] “No.”

Donna – “To come home.”

Reflecting something the Doctor is not quite able to see himself yet, Donna finally pieces together the reason the Doctor’s old face came back. This face – the one whose final, heartbreaking words were, “I don’t want to go” – is the one the Doctor returns to when they are finally – finally! – ready to let go of the trauma of their past. And they return to their best friend in the whole wide universe and restore her memories. She then takes those memories and she, along with her daughter, sorts how to solve the Meta-Crisis problem on their own. And now, after Meeps and Wrath Warriors and Not-Things and Toymakers and a historic bigeneration, the Doctor is finally ready to come home.

Russell T Davies, the man who created the Time War and brought Doctor Who back in 2005 with a Doctor suffering PTSD and wrapped in survivor’s guilt – a Doctor who has been on a long, slow journey of healing over their last six incarnations – is finally ready to hold and heal their wounds so they can let go of their trauma. One incarnation goes home, surrounded by their family, to do just that. The other incarnation, the future one that’s already benefited from that work, is off to adventure in the sort of carefree and devil-may-care way the Doctor hasn’t felt since the Eighth Doctor entered the Time War! And the Doctor never could’ve gotten here without Donna, just as she never could’ve found her way back to her full self, memories and all, without the Doctor. What a beautiful note to end Doctor Who’s 60th anniversary on! It’s a beautiful reminder of the power and importance of our friendships, too.'

[mischas]

Ok so I think about them an unhealthy amount so here's the ask I asked about a while ago.

Their sexual dynamics are kinda fascinating and in another show that would've been explored more. (I have so many questions- some of them are on a literary level and the others not so much lol)

Marissa said that they never had a problem with attraction and being emotionally unavailable made them want each other more. Their difference in experience and how it might have affected their dynamic- ex: Ryan sleeping with Theresa soon after splitting with Marissa (who had a regretful sexual experience with her ex and was waiting with Ryan) because of old habits, but she said like one line about it and that's it. (Now that I think about it, it's weird that Ryan said before their date that he's never, like, fully dated girls before aside from hooking up even though Theresa existed, I guess he wasn’t counting that because it was on and off?). We saw how Marissa's trauma of being assaulted affected their sex life but only for like one time when it's an interesting discussion too, and so could've been the Gabrielle predatory thing (when he said that he was with another girl and Marissa pointed out that she was a woman- knowing this show she probably meant it in a "omg she's so experienced im so jealous" kinda way but it's clear that her being older wasn't ok for her, at least not as ok as it was for him.

There's also all the sexual jealousy (as it's apparent from my asks, MV jealousy era was my favourite for being funny af, but there's also Ryan/Gabrielle and Luke/Marissa which were just painful) but also despite the intensity, there's a bit of assurance and comfort there ("what strippers? I don't know any strippers"/"you got a lap dance?"). They were being walked in on all the time and Marissa did say she wasn’t into PDA much (but I'm not sure if it was about Trey?) they were also "one of those couples" which means they didn’t keep their hands off each other, either. Ooh there is so much material lol- I shudder to think but HBO Ryissa would've been like 👀

You know this is something I was thinking about a few weeks ago. I'm probably not gonna answer this well but it's gonna be long. So first off, it is very insane for Marissa to say that she and Ryan were going at it during all of s3 when the narrative is relatively sexless for every couple until it's turned up wildly in 3x18 for a ratings and demographic shift (other people can speak about this better than I). I've talked about that 3x18 line before and it's so weird to shoehorn it in like they do; we're supposed to believe RM have been fucking this whole time? What? 3x14 showed us in their intimate scene that they haven't been doing this a lot since it serves as a means of reuniting them. But, hey, maybe they have and it's just weird shit between M/B that kept it from our consciousness. But like I said earlier, this season was so sexless until much later when it's turned up to 100 (and those irl dynamics were also very bad so like.... mess).

We're also supposed to believe RM didn't sleep together after 2x20 when "I think we can do better than the front seat of Sandy's car" is insanely suggestive. Not to say they did it right after getting back together but like....... idk. Them only having sex for the first time in 3x03 is narratively so far-fetched. Obv there weren't a lot of times they could in s2 since they're kept apart for plot reasons and then as soon as they reunite the Trey stuff happens.

BUT

Their comfortability in mid-s1 when they're dating is so easy. It's very hard to believe these teens weren't sleeping together. Ryan is largely unsupervised and pretty much has his own apartment! And they're both not virgins as we know. It's only when Marissa says in 1x19 that they haven't that we all have to be like oh??? And it's a teen soap so these things are usually documented for the audience, but still it's like please. Especially after 1x14.

All that said, lol, the way I see RM approaching intimacy is that from a young age neither of the two really associate sex with love. We know Ryan's experienced by 16 (though I personally think he exaggerates how many girls he's been with). There's at least Theresa who clearly did not exist in the narrative until 1x11. There's no way she and her mom wouldn't be in Ryan's mind when he's been abandoned in 1x01 and calling all his friends for a place to stay. So!!

For whatever (plot) reason, RM don't sleep together until 3x03. But Marissa rushes into sex with Luke in 1x06 for all the reasons I mentioned here. And she's incredibly hurt in 1x26/1x27 to learn that Ryan rushed into sex with Theresa right after their breakup. She spends the summer between s1 and s2 thinking about that and probably assuming they have sex then too (she looks surprised to hear in 2x02 that it "wasn't like that at all"). And then she starts having casual sex with DJ that summer. The DJ storyline is so so bad from its inception but we're at least led to believe she's sexually active. They tried to make DJ a viable romantic option but it was so bad from the start that at least it finally ends.

Marissa doesn't even get to associate sex with real, heartfelt romantic feelings until Alex and that's then pulled out like a rug from under her before they pivot her back to Ryan when Lindsay leaves. So she still doesn't associate sex with love. THEN she's assaulted and goes through all that fun trauma. R/L have a few scenes that imply they may be sleeping together but I think if they did we'd have seen it or at least heard about it.

Which brings us to 3x03 and RM both being in a place where sex and love can be working together. I think Ryan has love for Theresa but let's be honest that boy will never be ~in~ love with her and that's a major missing part of their relationship. 3x03 gives us the heightened Hawaii plot and that positions RM to realize this is the time because she's leaving and you know It's About The YearningTM. I don't think the scene itself is great because of the choreography and the stupid editing but what leads up to it "Are you sure? It'll make it that much harder for you to leave" is just SOOOOOOO

If we understand that RM have been having a bunch of loveless, emotionally unavailable sex in s3 I don't think it's much of a stretch to imagine them jumping into bed with the people they then jump into bed with in late s3. And in many ways it's like as soon as they were able to marry sex and love in 3x03, they reverted back to these people who saw it as something else. That speaks to how s3 was so fucking bad.

A few things:

Yeah I think the PDA line in 2x22 carried over to 2x23 is only really about Trey and her bruise that she's concerned with; their PDA in front of their friends in 1x15 meant nothing to them. I can't imagine they cared more about schoolmates seeing them than they did their friends (and Marissa's ex)

I think M is so hurt about Gabrielle in 1x06 and 1x07 for all those reasons. That she's older "Actually, I think she was a woman" and that Ryan could hook up with someone random the same day he's all but asked her to make a romantic choice "the last time I saw you, you kind of had your hands full"

The way that Marissa has quiet confidence in Ryan with other women is very sweet in 1x26 "what about strippers?", 2x21 "South Beach for a little spring break action?" and 3x09 "you got a lap dance?" it's actually very interesting to contrast that with Seth who kisses women in BOTH Vegas and Miami when he's still in a quasi-relationship with Summer at the time

I know for a fact I didn't answer this very eloquently (if I answered it at all) but it's a really interesting subject!

Also, considering I head canon RM being FWB in college I think it'd take a while for them to acknowledge how in love they've always been with one another. Because of their shared traumas, lingering resentments, trust issues, etc. *cue 'tis the damn season*

[theotherjourney7]

“I was gonna leave The Week In Tory until Friday the 2nd October but at their current rate it'll be very long by then, and I'm worried about you, mate.

It's OK to get drunk on at 5pm on Monday the 28th of September, isn't it? Well, that's my recommendation anyway. Here goes...

1. In June UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson said to Black Lives Matter protestors: “I hear you”, and acknowledged the “incontrovertible, undeniable feeling of injustice” that “we simply cannot ignore”

So obviously, 40 Tory MPs refused to take part in unconscious bias training

2. The government shut pubs an hour early, seemingly under the impression coronavirus (an inert, sub-microscopic infectious entity with no brain or nervous system) can tell the time.

The government demanded we all follow the rules

The government exempted House Of Commons bars from the rules

3. Health Minister Helen Whately said “people who get drunk and leave the pub to keep on partying should remember their responsibility for the nation’s health”

Helen Whateley, who is *actually* responsible for the nation’s health, was sober when she said this. Presumably

4. After 6 months of world-leading “throwing apps in the bin but taking the cash anyway”, the government finally proudly released an NHS Testing App

It didn't work with NHS tests

Or on 18% of phones

Or in Scotland or Northern Ireland

And a report said only 10% of the us will use it, cos we don’t trust Dominic Cummings with our data

Nor should we: the Data Commissioner said Cummings' proposed changes to privacy law will see the UK barred from sharing global data, and cost the UK economy "up to £80bn"

5. Meanwhile the promise of 500,000 tests per day won’t be reached because, in news that should shock nobody, the government failed to order enough raw materials

So the government stopped releasing evidence of how many are being tested, cos if you don't look at it, it isn't real

6. The government, which only weeks ago was demanding we go back to work or all get sacked, now demands we all stay at home

7. Them the government said the reason the UK had the worst Covid response AND worst economy in Europe is because we are “freedom-loving”

8. And then government freedom-lovingly banned schools from using any materials that criticised capitalism

Not content with this, they also banned schools discussing “victim narratives”, which is going to make it tough to maintain their national anti-bullying strategy

9. And then a leaked report said the government was planning to freedom-lovingly deploy the military on the streets

10. Meanwhile, the government announced only 24% of businesses have done any preparation for Brexit, and only 30% of cross-channel HGVs have the correct paperwork

11. The government finally admitted what they’d been told repeatedly since 2016, and said Brexit would create 2-day queues of 7000 lorries at Channel ports

7000 lorries (at the average 16.5m each) is 1155km. That’s a queue over 70 miles long. Every day.

To solve this, the government announced a new internal border in Kent, helpfully relocating 70 miles of queues to London, Essex, Surrey and East Sussex instead

A month ago, Tory MP Sir Edward Leigh was demanding we “take back” Calais. Now we’re essentially abandoning Kent.

Because we only had 4 years to plan for this, our lovely new border will start on 1 January and be controlled by software that – and you should probably open a second bottle around now - won’t be ready until at least 4 months later

Oh, and border checks won’t be ready in Northern Ireland either

But we might not have a problem anyway: it was revealed there are just 2000 EU haulage permits for our 40,000 UK hauliers. That’s 5% of what we need, for any Govt Ministers struggling with the maths

12. And we don’t even have enough pallets for the goods we import, cos we currently rely on a supply we share with the EU, and have neither the wood nor the treatment plants, nor the required chemicals to make and treat our own

So now the government has to make a 200m border, a mechanism for policing it, an internal passport system, software, admin, buy 38,000 permits and grow enough trees for 700,000 pallets. In 3 months.

It had 5 months to add up some A-Level results, and that went swimmingly

13. I’m sure supply-and-demand won’t force prices sky high, cos it never does when you have 5% of the food the nation needs and a govt which boasts about breaking the law, but it was also announced tariffs will add £3.1bn to the nation’s food bill in Jan 2021

14. As a mark of confidence, Jim Ratcliffe, Britain’s richest man and a leading Brexiteer, buggered off to Monaco

15. And an unnamed minister was quoted: “We are stuck in a bind. If we try to cancel Brexit we destroy ourselves; if we go ahead with it we destroy the country”

16. The London School of Economics reported the long-term cost of Brexit will be 2-3 times the cost of Covid

So Rishi Sunak cancelled the budget, cos once again, if you don’t look at it, it doesn’t exist

17. JPMorgan shifted £200 billion out of the UK and into Germany calling it “a result of Brexit”.

At least 22% of our entire national economy depends on international banks based in the City of London, so when the largest one fucks off, it's a relaxing development

18. Former Prime Minister Theresa May said the government’s bill to break international law is “reckless” and “risks the integrity of the United Kingdom”

19. The Attorney General, who takes an oath to parliament, the Queen and The Bar to observe the law, said she was “very proud” to be breaking the law

The UK is a signatory and legal guarantor of the Good Friday Agreement, which brought peace to the island of Ireland after 3600 violent deaths. The Attorney General, who is sworn to maintain peace, says Brexit will break the GFA, and she is “extremely proud” of that too.

Turns out, the advisory Professor who told her she should go ahead and break the law and endanger peace in Ireland is the partner of Michael Gove’s special advisor. It’s amazing, these coincidences. Almost as if they don’t want to listen to anybody else

20. Speaking of which, UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s old friend and unfailingly irrumating backer (google it) Charles Moore, who has spent his life demanding the end of the BBC, and said the BBC causes "human misery worthy of Dickens" (does he mean Mrs Brown's Boys?) is in line to run the BBC

And it was reported ex Daily Mail Editor Paul Dacre, who shouts c*unt so much his meetings are called “the vagina monologues”, and whose paper is banned as a Wiki reference cos it lies so often, is going to be put in charge of Ofcom: ensuring decent and honest broadcasting

Oh yeah, and Boris Johnson tweeted “a free press is vital in holding the government to account”, which is probably why the people holding his govt to account are being replaced with his mates and cheerleaders

21. Tory MP and successful conscience-donor Andrea Jenkins got paid £25k from a thinktank that doesn’t exist

22. And because no list is complete without a disturbing nocturnal visitation from the smirking angel of death, Home Office Secretary Priti Patel was accused of incitement to racial hatred

23. Whilst Patel, Jenkyns and the Attorney General were busy redefining “the party of Law and Order” the rest of the govt took a wild swing at “the party of fiscal responsibility”, when it was revealed the government has wasted £3,895,556,000 since March.

This includes unsafe testing kits; face masks that don’t work; broken tracing systems; useless antibody tests; cancelled ventilator challenge; and inexplicable contracts to sweet manufacturers and dormant companies with no employees, to provide PPE that never arrived!

24. The government, which insisted schools and universities reopened, said it was now vital to lock down students and prevent them from mixing in large groups

And then the government said it was sanctioning class sizes of up to 60 which ... remind me, is that more or fewer than 6?

25. Health Secretary Matt Hancock said “we’re giving up to 11,000 iPads to care homes to enable residents to connect with loved ones”

“Up to” is a bit telling, but even if it’s 11,000, there are 21,700 care homes in the UK. I guess they’ll just have to share. Goodbye forever, nana!

26. And finally, if you feel all alone in despairing at this: you aren’t. Belief in Britain as a “global force for good” has fallen 10% since 2019. I, for one, am shocked to the core....”-Russ

[ibeatfor]

evolution

3/24/21

I live by the mountains

And it wasn't even by design. It just so happened that this small little place within my budget was by the foothills of the Angeles National Forest.

It was not even a year ago when a picture of me and my then husband J was immortalized in the local newspaper as we stood arm in arm watching the fire fighting being conducted on the fire raging in our "backyard".

I remember seeing the flames atop the mountains and within a hair's breadth, witnessing in awe and horror as it raced down the spine of the mountain. I think subconsciously I knew we weren't in any real danger as it hadn't crossed the street but I think I must've tugged on Inyo's leash to get him further away from the fire, as if the few inches would've made a difference. It's human instinct to withdraw from a perceived threat. His resistance pulled me out of my head and back to reality. We were (relatively) safe, why not check it out along with the bystanders and news crew that had already begun to gather? It's also human instinct to observe -it's why we inevitably rubberneck despite swearing we won't be the one to hold up traffic like that car in front of us. So we went to check it out with the crowd, 6 feet apart of course. Arm slung across each other, mine around his waist and his casually over my shoulder, we stood there watching helicopter after helicopter dump water on the patches of flames. It was this image that the photographer captured. I recall the mountains looking beat up, barren and forlorn after the fire was put out. The black scars from the ordeal showing up starkly against the blue skies made me feel bad for my beloved mountains, how they must have suffered.

Never could I imagine that months later I would be standing in the same spot alone. This time, it would just be my own two arms clasped about my small heaving self, as if to futilely hold back the overwhelming grief, feeling much the same way I imagined my mountains to look back then-beaten up and scarred.

---

So now, some more months later, as I'm out on my daily walk, I'm struck dumb by the patches of greenery that's peeping up from the mountain face. They're scattered and patchy, awkward like a teenager who isn't sure how much space to take up, but they're green and they're there nonetheless. They grow bravely and defiantly, the scars of their ordeal scabbed over by slow growth. Fundamentally I know they didn't just spring up overnight, they've been budding since the fire was put out but it still catches me by surprise. I know this but I can't help but feel taken aback because as often as I've walked this loop, I never noticed it until recently.

I flinch as I reread my past journal entries, notably the one on January 12th. Not because it’s embarrassingly raw (it is) but because it wasn't too long ago that that memory, was my reality. While I may still instinctually recoil from the memory, I can see that I've kept pace with my mountains. They've been the metronome beating steadily in the background and living by them (by lucky happenstance), I didn't realize they were also keeping me on beat, outwardly reflecting our progress in a gradual, delightful blooming of life and healing, healing and life.

When I see the dare-to-be hopeful patches of greenery bathed in the early evening sunlight, it's human, or rather, Theresa instincts to turn my face towards the warmth of the sun, to soak in its life endowing light myself.

---

3/1/21

Red cross, ActiveSGV let- I paused in the midst of compiling my mental to do list. It felt like a lifetime ago when it was all I could do to perform the bare functions of existence. Did I get out of bed before noon? Yes? Good. Did I get out of bed without breaking down? Yes? Now that was a win. Those were hard days. And while I can get out of bed before noon and without crying more reliably now, it wasn’t so long ago that I can look back without flinching at the difficulty of the memory. The possibility of relapsing, of going back to that place, is always there. But when you feel like your life as you’ve known it is being upended, you count even the small victories. I process my observation of my mid-thought with wonder. The idea that I now tentatively have enough emotional and mental bandwidth to even consider doing something else aside from making it through the day without breaking down sends a small thrill down my spine. Now that was the win of the month!

--

2/19/21

We’re creatures of habits. So when it’s a habit you’ve known for years, it’s disorientating to shake things up. This past weekend was my first road trip with R and it was enjoyable, despite my initial dread over embarking on a long journey on a Friday of a long weekend (the irony hasn’t escaped me). While it was a great first road trip together, it was also…kind of weird. Even broaching the idea of taking the trip in the first place and then planning it felt strange. I didn’t know how to navigate through these uncharted waters because I’m so used to road tripping with J. We expected to adventure on long weekends because we had established that expectations years ago. It never crossed my mind that we wouldn’t go somewhere on a long weekend.

So while I enjoyed every moment of my first road trip with R, I admit J was on my mind more often than I’d like. It was as if I was leading little Theresa forward by the hand but she kept glancing back at the past, reminiscing on how I used to do x, y, and z with J. The contrast between then and now often induced feelings of loss, longing, and heightened the sense that something was amiss, like I was going against the natural order of things. From past experience, I knew that there was only one place these devious thoughts will lead me to if I left them unchecked. So before we went down that rabbit hole, I’d give her hand as much of a reassuring squeeze as I can muster and doggedly plod on with her in tow -partially because there’s nothing else to be done at this point but mostly because I want to move forward. I can’t say with much degree of certainty that things will be better ahead, but I’d like to (have to) believe they will be.

Initially I tried to convince her not to look back and to keep her eyes always ahead and when that failed, I tried bargaining with her to not look back as often. Eventually, I relented. I allowed myself to look back as often as I needed to and that offered some relief, I was able to free myself from the guilt and the need to always keep my eyes forward.

Learning grace is part of fighting the good fight and that weekend was a prime learning opportunity. I allowed myself to look back and gave myself permission to feel everything -the discomfort from what feels like a physical wrenching of myself out of a comfortable habit and familiarity, the longing for the familiarity, the excitement of the newness, and hell, the plain strangeness of the newness. I’m learning there is space and that it’s okay to hold contradictory feelings. After all, when I’m not an Olympic medalists in mental gymnastics, I’m really a plant with more complicated emotions.

---

1/12/21

Sadness accompanies me everywhere. She trails me.

The death of a dream is always heartbreaking.

Some times I gasp aloud from the pain.

It's not your heart that aches, not for me at least. The pain is a dull, slowly pulsing pain that's nestled right underneath my heart.

I stay in the house until I can't and then I walk, heading north, until I can't. On 1/12/21, I make it as far as the northern grass patch before I have to sit down.

The sun sets as quickly, the sky flares up as quickly as I'm overcome by the pain

I wonder if I appear drunk, crunching leaves and walking until I double over.

Idk who I'm glancing around for but at this point I wouldn't mind a hug from just about anyone.

---

1/1/2021

Rustle, click, thud

I settle in the car with a rustle of clothing and plug in my phone to charge with a smart click. As the phone snaps onto the magnetic phone holder with a light thud, that’s when it usually starts. At night in cold Ole Faithful the rustle, click, thud are the sounds of my thoughts preparing to play themselves out, like the din of middle school orchestra students warming up to play. I used to dread it in the beginning, the thud signaled the arrival of unbearable sadness. Unbearable sadness was like a sharpshooter that always hit the swollen sac of sadness nestled in the hollow behind my breastbone dead on every time. The burst sac would release a mixture of pain that would flood throughout my body to the tips of all my extremities, reaching every nook and cranny. Oftentimes, I’d barely make it down the street before I’d outwardly uttered an unbidden sob and hunch over the wheel in what felt like physical pain, clutching it with all my might, the tears streaming down my face.

But now that the sadness is a little older, and maybe my tears haven softened up its heart, unbearable sadness is now just sadness and sadness stands outside the passenger door waiting patiently -but ever so ominously- for me to invite it inside. I know better than to keep it waiting so it is with slight resignation that I nod my permission and it settles in and buckles up, a faithful companion on my ride home from my nighttime forays. When I come from my mom’s house which is noisy on quiet days, being alone in Ole Faithful with my silent companion makes the silence even louder.

Rustle, click, thud. Tonight, I feel out my thoughts as they parade themselves individually to me and slowly realize that they don’t all elicit as strong of a reaction as they have before. It’s as if my reaction was ammunition and as I became less volatile, the sadness, in turn, became less violent and all consuming -it just sits there. I ease Ole Faithful onto the road and begin my journey home. While I used to dread sadness’s presence, now we sit in companionable silence. I know it’ll be around for the ride for a while.

[simptasia]

neurodivergence in abc’s lost

i’m gonna be listing off and talking about the canon neurodivergent characters in lost. i won’t be adding characters that i personally headcanon as neurodivergent in some way, what i’m writing here is elaboration upon what has been given to me by the show. please note that none of these people’s conditions or disorders were named in the show, so such diagnoses being named here are me taking that extra step based upon their symptoms

first of all i wanna point out that based on what i’ve seen the show, that the island’s healing powers applies to conditions inflicted upon the mind, not ones inherent to the mind. thats why daniel’s brain damage heals, but people like hurley and locke will always continue to have depression

hugo “hurley” reyes

schizophrenia and depression

our most prominently featured mentally ill character. it might seem bold to label him with schizophrenia when it’s never said that that’s what he has. but during his time on lost, he displays many of the symptoms: paranoia, pathological self loathing, delusions and hallucinations. now, it’s a fictionalized depiction of schizophrenia and that’s probably not even what the writers had in mind but it’s none the less a really, really good and respectful portrayal of it

it would take too long to list off all the times when hurley displays paranoia (heck, it’s easy not to notice how much its a part of his character) and self loathing. delusions? the situations regarding the numbers and his bad luck (canon never ever Proves what hurley believes to be true regarding that stuff)

they did an episode dedicated to hurley having hallucinations. a man named dave who drives him to self destructive behaviour, self hatred and attempted suicide. fun fact: when people with schizophrenia in real life have hallucinations, they tend towards just auditory. hurley gets visual as well as per Rule Of Drama. this is not a bad thing, just a narrative tool

(steering slightly into headcanon for a bit here but i personally ignore the dharma made Hurley Bird they revealed in the epilogue and just take hurley hearing that bird say his name as an auditory hallucination. for two reasons: one, hurley hearing/seeing things that don’t exist is already consistent with his mental state. and two, that bird literally, genuinely did not fucking say hurley)

extra notes

to be clear, in case there's confusion, hurley really does have magical powers. he can talk to dead people. that isn’t a delusion or hallucination. you can understand how confusing and distressing this must be for hurley

he's had a compulsive eating disorder since he was ten due to the pain of his father abandoning him. his struggle with this is well documented

at several points during the show he’s shown to have trouble spelling. he especially confuses his “y(s)” and “ies”. it’s not clear if this is due to poor education or a learning issue. or both, really. it’s safe to assume with him being poor, mexican and mentally ill, that school wasn’t easy for hurley

hurley has unjustifiably lived at mental health institutions on at least two occasions (the first time was against his will, second was volunteer)

john locke

depression

locke suffers from severe self esteem issues, and i know most lost characters do, but i mean to the point of irrational and destructive behaviour. he has an obsession with being deemed special in order to justify his existence. he also suffers jarring mood swings. (he can switch from calm and jovial to angry and defensive at the drop of a hat). when he was wheelchair bound, this threw him into a depression. when he failed to convince anybody to come back to the island, he attempted suicide. he would have gone thru with it too. he will go to extremes to make sure things stay the way he wants them to (killing an innocent woman so they can stay on the island, tying up and drugging boone so he won’t tell anybody about the hatch), and will fall into despair if he fails

also note that the things im saying about locke are not a comment on people with depression. i don’t think all depressed people kill and drug people. those were statements on locke’s character that i believe are a part of his mental state. my point is: he’s emotionally unstable and he tried to kill himself. and i think his extreme need for validation (from people and the universe in general) is especially concerning

to me, this all says to me that locke has clinical depression

locke isn’t as easy as the other people on this list to classify as Canon Neurodivergent but at least to me, i think it’s very obvious. like i feel bad being so vague but like, basically, watch any locke episode

daniel faraday

acquired brain damage, severe memory degradation as well as other neurodivergent behaviours (i’ll go into it)

he’s played by jeremy davies. enough said

okay, jokes aside. at some point in the past daniel and his assistant theresa were involved in some vaguely referred to time based experiments. while she was catatonicized, the accident left daniel severely brain damaged (also daniel spent years doing radioactive experiments without head protection, which would not have helped and indeed that is foreshadowing of this whole debacle)

apparently this left him in a state where he can no longer take care of himself, having been assigned a carer. his most outstanding symptom is that his ability to process short AND long term memory has been impaired

short term: he’s shown to have issues retaining memories from day to day. he wasn’t sure if he had met charles widmore already (he hadn’t). charles lays some exposition on him and when daniel asks why he’s telling him this, charles says, with sureness, that “because by tomorrow you won’t remember this”. counting on that to be an absolute fact seems silly to me but that does seem to the case. again, Rule Of Drama is in play here

long term: he can no longer access memories he formed many years ago, famously the memories he formed with desmond in 1996. all in all, this condition is highly plot convenient. can’t argue with results, really

no, i can keep going, i got more, this is daniel fucking faraday we’re talking about: his ability to remember 3 playing cards has been impaired (note that this is a skill most 4 year olds master), he forgot the secret code the science team were all taught and when he introduces himself to jack there is a long pause, in hindsight implying that daniel forgot his own name

like real life memory conditions, theres varying level to how much he does and doesn’t remember. he’s thankfully not in a 50 first dates situation and doesn’t forget everything day to day. clearly he remembers people if they’re around enough, like during his time on the boat. charlotte, miles, frank, naomi...

upon landing on the island, his memory slowly gets better (considering his condition beforehand, the fact that nobody comments on this is staggering)

when dan is fully healed? i could not say, i could theorize, but such things are nebulous. but still, the times we see dan without his brain damage, he still behaves like a neurodivergent person. just not like he was when he was brain damaged. he stims near constantly, has a tendency to repeat names and words (echolalia) and it’s shown that dan compulsively counts in his head. he counted up to 864 beats, if i remember correctly, which is about 10 minutes of counting in his head. by no stretch of the imagination is that neurotypical behaviour

(im not trying to sound defensive. and i don’t think anybody, anywhere, is arguing that daniel faraday is a neurotypical. unfathomable)

going into headcanon territory again, his ND traits, when not brain damaged, say to me that he’s autistic and/or has OCD and possibly anxiety. thats all theorizing on my part tho. but the fact of the matter is, damage or no, he’s neurodivergent

notes

his apparent need for tactile sensory input is legendary in the lost fandom. in layman’s terms: him pet pet. not just people but objects too. humans, overall, tend to touch things to process input better. many ND people do it more, and it seems daniel is a case of that (i am not making a solid statement on jeremy davies’ neuro state. that’s his business)

he shows an inability to properly process grief

he also shows shocking indifference to his own safety, resulting in reckless behaviour. how much of this is a result of his mental state or his upbringing is up for debate. i think it’s a combo of both

without his brain damage, he appears to have an eidetic memory

danielle rousseau

trauma induced mental illness

pretty self explanatory. the loss of her expedition, husband and daughter, as well as 16 years of loneliness (on THIS island) has resulted in emotional instability for danielle. she’s prone to paranoia, trust issues, irrational behaviour

she’s just not well. she’s right most of the time but she’s not well

libby smith

indeterminate mental state 

libby was institutionalized (the same place hurley was sent to) and placed on medication (which seemed like sedatives to me, based on her expressions). in the show it’s not what clear what put her there, but having just done some research, i’ve discovered that Word Of God says that libby became mentally unstable after the death of her husband dave smith. so this is probably another case of trauma induced mental illness. she must have had a pretty extreme episode to cause her to be sent to a place like that. something to think about

but alas, it’s libby, so not much info. moving on

benjamin linus

anti social behaviour disorder (is my best guess)

oof. depictions of mental illness with characters who are immoral are depictions of mental illness nonetheless. i feel almost silly saying this but: ben is not... okay

ben displays issues (at best) with empathy, compassion and morality. how much he cares about other people is highly debatable but one thing that's certain is that he does genuinely love his daughter. everybody else is ????

but the loving alex thing rules out him being a sociopath or having narcissistic personality disorder. and it is genuine because when he loses it with grief, it’s not a performance, because the only audience is us...

he’s a compulsive liar, lying even when it doesn’t benefit him. lying just because. ben is highly unpredictable, which isn’t inherently a neurodivergent thing, but when a person goes from a calm discussion to strangling somebody, all roads point to Uh Oh (i don’t know the technical terms for Uh Oh). many of his outward emotions are performed (the difference between his fake smiles and few real smiles is noticeable). he’s manipulative, he treats people like objects for his benefit/plans, he’s self absorbed, he has zero issues with murder unless it’s a child. he does have some moral standards. but overall, uh, [just gestures at ben]

also ben is repeatedly offended when other people don’t trust him, which is HILARIOUS, but also shows a cognitive dissonance on his part

hmm i need more here, im gonna break out the big guns

that’s some basic info there and doesn’t that line up with ben?

the article goes on to say that people with this can put on superficial charm. that is, behave friendly and “normal” when they have to. which ben is shown to be able to do

and this

“Serious problems with interpersonal relationships are often seen in those with the disorder. Attachments and emotional bonds are weak, and interpersonal relationships often revolve around the manipulation, exploitation, and abuse of others.”

reminds me of his situation with juliet. and locke. and his “friendships” in general

i snipped the wikipedia article for this because unlike the rest i felt,,, underequipped to talk about this sort of thing

ben being mentally unwell is clear enough in canon and i think this disorder is what lines up best with it. please note that ben is capable of change and growth (like people in real life who have such issues) and like the show i’m not gonna paint him 100% evil or irredeemable. i’m just saying what’s true

notes

ben says at one point that he doesn’t dream anymore. it’s highly probably that this is a lie, but if it isn’t, well that's not good. it’d mean his brain isn’t entering into REM sleep properly, which can lead to emotional problems

ben doesn’t blink as much as most people do, something michael emerson did on purpose. this can apply to some neurodivergent people

it’s shown that he was quite nonverbal as a kid. in the flashbacks in “man behind the curtain” little ben barely speaks

honourable mentions

pretty much all the survivors suffer from PTSD due the trauma of the crash

a great deal of the characters suffer from PTSD from trauma in general due to their awful lifes. like, abusive parents, war, loss of loved ones, etc

and i must note that ben, daniel and locke suffering from parental abuse, ranging from emotional to physical, is something to factor into their cases

claire, similar to danielle, also suffered trauma induced mental illness due to the loss of her baby and feeling like she was abandoned

sayid is depicted as dead inside during season 6 due to The Sickness, so thats like a magical form of depression. and one could argue that he already had regular depression beforehand

boone joked about shannon having bulimia. (whether or not it’s true, boone is an asshole) if it’s true, shannon has an eating disorder, which is considered a form of mental illness. espech one so self image based

self harm

self harm is not an inherent part of mental illness but such concepts are often linked so i felt i should mention some of these, it’ll be quick

hurley’s aforementioned eating disorder

charlie takes heroin as a form of self harm (that isn’t a theory on my part, it’s clear as day that charlie started taking it because his sense of self worth was so low that the drugs felt like the only option)

locke, hurley, (both as mentioned above), jack, desmond, michael and richard have all attempted/nearly commited suicide

so what can we conclude from this? well that's up to you, really. that i love lost a fuck ton? that the actors and writing in lost is amazing? that all the neurodivergent based depth got saved for the boys? yeah

but i wanna conclude with this: a part of what makes lost really special to me is that these people i’ve talked out here? they’ve suffered, and oh boy it was tasty suffering, but all of them, yes even libby, were more than suffering

these people have nuance. one way or another, these people (to varying degrees) were happy at times. silly. funny. angry. opinionated. they loved. they were loved. they lived and breathed as human beings. that means a lot to me

lost is a story of broken people given a second chance. take that as you will

thank you for your time

[mirceakitsune]

RIP PornHub: #SorryNotSorry

As I'm not into human porn and evolution in this timeline cursed us with just humans reaching sapience, I never used websites like PornHub except rarely to watch some animations. Yesterday's incident was big enough for the news to reach all our ears however. It follows a trend that's been going on for years now and is definitely no surprise to me; If anything I'm surprised the owners and users of that website weren't rounded up and arrested or shot for "immorality" years ago... thank goodness it took them this long to go after them, and that in this case it was banks doing it rather than the "rule of law". For anyone who didn't hear of what took place: PayPal and Mastercard kicked PornHub off their services after NY Times wrote an article claiming they hosted videos of sex trafficking. In response PH deleted some 90% of its users and uploads, pretty much nuking itself out of existence in desperation to appease those payment services; It's said only users with a special verification are still up, others had their uploads deleted most likely forever. The owners probably hope those banks will welcome them back if they do this, which I'm going to bet right now is never going to happen. Obviously I'd go on and on about how not just big companies but also banking services are unofficially becoming the world's parallel government, deciding what people can and cannot think or watch; As much as vanilla government scares me the most, considering those monstrosities can pass actual laws which all people must follow else they may get fined or arrested, there's definitely an issue with powerful entities being able to dictate how the world works as if mini-governments of their own accord... with the media being able to shoo groups against one another however it sees fit. Sure: The principle of free market may not be violated and all, but at this point it's a practical problem worth considering. Especially since people are unwilling or unable to create proper alternatives to those powerful services which can gain as much traction... like how cryptocurrencies don't have a fraction the adoption PayPal does, or decentralized platforms like Mastodon aren't even a decimal the size of ones like Twitter. Now onto everyone's favorite aspect: "Muh moarality"! I will say this: If PornHub users really were posting abuse materials of sex trafficking victims as claimed, I fully agree there was a real reason behind taking action, albeit handled horribly as everything in this world is. Of course I know better than to believe such a thing nowadays: I have little to no doubt this is just another case of moral panic based on nice-sounding assumptions. More specifically this happened because some users uploading videos of themselves were *GASP* not over the precise age of 18! And we all know that if you're under this exact number you aren't a real person with your own thoughts and feelings and wishes and rights, anything you feel that we don't agree with is mental illness and an act of being abused, and you need to be "protected" against yourself by force if necessary. After all we can't have the underageigger getting the idea they have equal rights to be happy like everyone else and not growing up to be a model hard-working servant of society... um, I mean, we can't have them being esoterically abused by an invisible monster in the closet, yeah that's definitely why we police people's lives for them. By the way PornHub, speaking of the devil; Do you remember three years ago when you were working with the British government to implement age verification across the internet, during the Theresa May era delusion of making people use websites with their identity cards and porn passes bought from newspaper stores? I remember you were more than happy giving them a hand (pun intended) in making this dystopian nightmare come to life. There is such a thing known as justice and karma: Enjoy what they have to offer! I do wonder when said karma comes knocking at the door of services like Furaffinity as well. With this in mind I'm going to adopt a change in stance toward what happened: Instead of being outraged at how every aspect of life is being controlled by the most powerful groups in society, I'm going to be happy! Really: I'm so glad the mainstream is finally starting to see what it's like... living in a world where it's evil to enjoy anything and where everyone must be persecuted for not following the proper social etiquette, powered by a panic you and the media appeasing you fueled until it brought the world in this state. I'll work on protecting my furry art sites how I can, but when it comes to mainstream society please: Go on and ban all the porn, make the planet as strict as back in grandpa Hitler's day if possible! I see no problem with this: It's safe, right? That 0.00001% risk of someone getting hurt no longer exists, no one has to go through their feelings being hurt or assumptions proven wrong, and who needs those pesky things that make people happy anyway! What's that? You say you only like controlling others but don't enjoy it when the same thing happens to your privileged ass? As JC Denton would say: "What a shame". Now get back to school or work before we start whipping you for sloth too, foul nave! All in all, the only thing I'm sad about is that upon banning itself from existence PornHub didn't add the following message to its front page: "Please come back in a few years once it's legal for you to be here". I swear that would have been brilliant: It would be a reference the slimy boomers get as well as an epic way to apply salt to the wound! Time to buy more popcorn from the store :)

[lia-jones]

Growing Stronger - Chapter Thirteen - The Fling and the Almighty

I sat silently by his side, holding his hand, the only audible thing in the room was the buzz of one of the lamps and the beep of the heart monitor. It had been 24 hours since I had arrived at the hospital, and I never left since. Victor still slept, large amounts of morphine coursing through his veins.

The doctor had come and talked about Victor’s condition, almost like an accountant declares loss of income to the IRS: Three cracked ribs on his left side, a distal humerus fracture in his left arm, a penetrating trauma wound in his left thigh that caused major bleeding and required surgery, and several bruises also on his left side, the side of impact, that covered his body with angry red and pink hues. His pale face was also bruised and swollen on his left side, so much that he couldn’t open his eye. And all things considered, as doctors and the officers at the scene put it, he was lucky to be alive and not destined to a wheelchair. Most victims of T-bone crashes don’t live to tell the story, and if they do, their existence is bound to be pure misery. Victor had the promise of recovery, but also the promise of intense pain, hence the need to keep him heavily dosed with opiates.

The nurses would let him “come out for air”, as they put it, every 8 hours. They would delay the next dose of morphine, and let him open his eyes for a minute or two. He would wake up disoriented, a desperate look on his face, and I would do the only thing I could do: hold his hand and talk to him. Victor didn’t seem to be able to focus on me, his mind still foggy from the drugs, but he would hold my hand tight, craving the comfort of my touch. That’s when I decided that, even if I was completely useless in his recovery, I could take that role. I could be his comfort, his support, his lifeline. So I would hold his hand at all times, to let him know that he wasn’t alone, that someone was there for him. He would never be scared.

I couldn’t help but wonder how big dramas can suddenly look so small under a new perspective. A couple of days ago, my heart was aching over the possibility of a reconciliation, or the lack of it. My mind was entertained with thoughts of sorrow, longing, pride, self-preservation. My heart was jumping with joy and, at the same time, fear with Victor’s confident words in that elevator. I was eager to feel the joy of reconnection and scared that it would fail miserably again. However, seeing Victor in that hospital bed, his bare chest covered with electrodes, an array of tubes sticking out of his arms, made all those hopes and fears pointless. I had only one thing in my mind: I wanted him alive and well, back to his old self. With me, without me, it didn’t matter. I just wanted to see him again, dressed in a charcoal suit, walking tall, proud, and most importantly, safe. I didn’t care if I could only watch him from afar, or on the cover of a magazine, as long as I could see it. My phone rang, distracting me from my introspection. It was Goldman.

“How is he?” Goldman sounded tired. I shouldn’t have called him during his honeymoon, but LFG was minus its CEO and faithful assistant, and I didn’t know quite well how to proceed.

“The same.” I studied Victor’s relaxed expression, his long dark lashes, and dark circles standing out in his pale complexion. “Still sleeping.”

“Our flight is in two hours. We’ll be in Loveland by tomorrow morning. You shouldn’t be alone in there.”

“I told you, you don’t need to come. You gave me all the details, I have it covered. At least until he wakes up.” It pained me that Diane and Goldman’s honeymoon was interrupted like that.

“Andrea, we can’t possibly enjoy ourselves knowing our friends are going through this. Besides, I bet you haven’t left his room since you got there. Have you slept at all? Have you eaten?”

Negative for both accounts. But I wasn’t going to tell him that.

“Don’t worry, I’m taking care of myself. I’m fine.”

I felt the grip in my hand tighten, and Victor stirred a little.

“I think he’s waking up. I need to go.”

I forgot the phone on my lap, Victor being my only point of focus. His breath changed, quickening just a bit, as he opened his eyes slightly and tried to take in his surroundings.

“Victor.” I called, squeezing his hand. “I’m here. It’s okay.”

His eyes slowly turned to me, and it took him a while to focus his gaze on my face.

“Andy…” His voice sounded weak and vulnerable. I felt my eyes water. Stop it, Andrea. Be strong for him.

“Are you in pain?” I studied his expression. Victor shook his head softly.

“Am I…” He tried to talk again. “I can’t feel my body.”

“It’s the morphine.” I hurried to answer, as I softly brushed his bangs. He closed his eyes and leaned against my hand, welcoming the touch. “It takes away the pain, but it also makes you feel numb. Are you thirsty? Do you want some water?”

After his brief nod, I filled a plastic cup with water, and with the help of a straw, I offered him to drink. He took it eagerly, almost emptying the cup. The nurse arrived shortly after with the next dose of morphine. Silently, she injected it in Victor’s IV. His eyes glazed over almost instantly.

“Try to sleep, okay? Get some rest.”

“Stay.” He sounded like a little boy, his voice soft and pleading, making my heart pang. I have never seen Victor so vulnerable before.

“I’m not going anywhere.” I assured him, holding his hand tighter. I watched as the drug took hold of him, his eyelids fluttering closed, his breath becoming deep and steady again.

Victor woke up again shortly that night, and I held his hand, offering as much comfort as I could. I must have dozed off after, because I woke up with my head leaning on the comforter on his bed, alerted by a loud commotion outside.

I heard a distinctive male voice almost yelling outside the room. It was Victor’s father. I wondered for a moment who called him, since Goldman told me he had specific orders from Victor not to call his family in case of an accident, except if it resulted in his death. The door of the room opened suddenly, and Gregory entered the room, followed by a lady in her 50s. I got up from my seat, ready to defend myself.

“What are you doing here?” He asked me, clearly offended by my presence.

“Victor!” The lady approached him, holding his hand. “What happened to you?” Victor slept away, unaware of what was happening around him.

“I asked you a question!” Gregory’s eyes were still on me, burning a hole through my skull.

“The hospital called me.” I answered calmly, trying to lower the tone of the conversation. “I’m Victor’s emergency contact.”

“You are Andrea, of course!” The lady turned to me. “I saw your picture in those tabloids. My name is Therese, I’m Victor’s younger aunt. You can call me Terry.”

“The hospital called you? A stranger? And I, his father, have to know my son is injured through the newspaper?” Gregory raised his voice a little higher, making Victor stir slightly.

“Greg, stop! You’ll wake him up!” Terry pleaded.

“Shut up, Theresa! I gave him everything he ever needed.” Greg bitterly stated. “The best schools, a good lifestyle, the best of everything. And how does this ungrateful child repay me? By shutting me out! By relying on strangers instead of his father!” He turned me to, hatred in his eyes. “I want you out of here.”

I didn’t move.

“My son should be with his family, not one of his flings. Either you leave, or I’ll make you leave.”

Seeing that, once again, I hadn’t budged, he took me by the arm and led me outside of the room. I turned to him to speak.

“You probably won’t see it that way, but I will be your best friend right now.” I said, done with being silent. This had gone too far. Victor deserved better. I would probably be forcibly dragged out of the hospital by security, but he was going to listen to me.

“You want to know why he didn’t call you? Do you want to know why he never calls you? Because you are a shitty father.” Gregory motioned to retort, but I wouldn’t let him. “I’m not done yet! Your only son is on that bed, mangled, bruised, knocked out with drugs because the pain is so unbearable that it would be torture to allow him to fully awaken and you are worried about the fact that the hospital called me instead of you?! Victor almost died! You almost lost your son to a stupid car accident! Why aren’t you holding his hand? Why aren’t you doing what a father is supposed to do, talking to the doctors, worrying, making sure he is comfortable, safe, and loved? Why are you here instead? Blinded by your ego because you didn’t get a phone call?!?”

Victor’s father was pale but unresponsive. Maybe if I read him the take-out menu I would get a better reaction. The man could be incredibly stoic. But I already knew that move. I learned it from Victor, who had clearly learned it from him. His lack of reaction was to show how strong he was, how impervious he was to my words. Fat chance, grandpa. I wasn’t finished.

“You know, I have had some insanely painful things happen to me. They were all over the tabloids, so I trust you read all about it. And God knows how much I blamed myself for letting that poor excuse of a man enter my life, but do you think my parents ever said the slightest thing to blame me? Do you think they told me they were disappointed, that I was a disgrace to the family, which I thought I was, actually? No, never, not once. They opened their arms and they loved me, they helped me to heal from the consequences of my mistake, they supported me. Because they are good parents, and that’s what good parents do. Victor started dating me, our lives got exposed in the media without us doing anything to deserve it, and you have the audacity to storm in his company, act like you own the place, humiliate him, and throw the mom card at him? How dare you? That crushed him! He was destroyed! Is that what a father does to his son? Is that how you teach him, how you support him, by leaving his heart in the same state his body is in now? So crushed it hurts to feel?”

By the time I was done, I was panting, tears in my eyes. I couldn’t possibly describe the hate I felt towards that man. But he was Victor’s father, and right now he had all the power, so all I could do was to at least try to ensure that Victor wouldn’t get more hurt than he already was. Try, even if forcefully, to make Gregory see things differently. Try to make him see what he was doing to his son.

The stoic stance was gone. There was rage in Gregory’s face, tears in his eyes. I didn’t know if he felt sorry for what he had been doing to his son, or if it was just anger showing. He spoke to me through gritted teeth, his voice raspy with emotion.

“Show your face here again and I will make sure your life is nothing but misery.”

I knew the threat was real. I was well aware of the extent of the power Gregory Lee held in his hands. But I was unafraid. Fear magically disappears when you are fighting for what is right.

“Do well by your son.” I warned him. “Give him the father he deserves. Because if you don’t, your life will be even more miserable than mine. I can die a disgraced woman, but I will have people that love me by my side. Maybe you won’t be able to say the same.”

“Stop, both of you.” Victor’s aunt called from the door of the room. “As much as it may pain you, Andrea is here because Victor wanted her to. It’s his choice and we must respect it.” She then turned to me. “Andrea, go inside. Go be with Victor.”

I didn’t need to be told twice. I promised I wouldn’t leave Victor alone. I walked in and resumed my vigil from my seat, holding Victor’s hand, my heart pounding hard in my chest. I had teased the lion. Now all I had to do was wait for the attack. A few moments after, Terry entered the room, alone, sitting next to me.

“I do not care for the way you talked to my brother just now.” I suddenly felt shame for being so harsh and was about to apologize, when she spoke again. “That being said, thank you for standing up for Victor. No one ever has. God knows I tried.”

“I’m not Victor’s girlfriend anymore.” I confessed. Terry seemed so nice, and it felt wrong to lie to her. “We broke up a couple of months ago. He just forgot to take my name off his emergency contacts, and when they called me… I couldn’t leave him alone.”

“It’s Victor. He’s not the kind to forget about things. If he wanted you out of his life, you wouldn’t be here.” Terry gave me a wide smile. “Now tell me, how hurt is he?”

I quickly filled her in on Victor’s condition, and what had happened since I arrived. She looked at me with wide eyes.

“You’ve been here the whole time? You never went home?”

I nodded. She shook her head in disapproval.

“Well, we simply can’t have that. Andrea, you need to go home, take a shower, have a proper meal, and sleep.”

“Please don’t tell me to leave.” I pleaded with her. My heart tightened at the thought of not being able to see him.

“I wouldn’t dare.” Terry held my hand, smiling. “I’m just telling you to take a break. Can you imagine how upset he will be when he wakes up and sees you spent like that? He will have both our heads!” Her exaggeration made us both laugh. “You go, take care of yourself, and come back refreshed. When you come, I’ll go home and do the same. We’ll take turns, so he will never be alone.”

I hesitated. He asked me to stay. How could I leave?

“Andrea, he will need you. He will need you strong and healthy, to support him. If he sees you are weakened, he will worry.”

I wondered how she could just assume those things. Obviously, she knew him better than I did.

“Thank you. Here’s my number.” I said, taking one of my business cards from my purse, handing it to her.

“I will text you so you’ll get my number too. And I promise I’ll call if I have news. Now go.”

I held Victor’s hand one last time.

“I’ll come back. I promise.”

[mostlysignssomeportents]

#5yrsago Remembering Sassy Magazine's life advice for teen girls

Theresa DeLucci got a letter published in the only publication for girls that really attempted educational journalism—amid Twin Peaks fashion spreads and celeb interviews with grunge luminaries like Kurt Cobain and Kim Gordon.

The recent news about the return of Twin Peaks got me reminiscing about the magazine that introduced the show to me in the first place – Sassy, the most valuable print magazine for teenage girls to ever exist. It sounds like hyperbole, but compared to its peers -- Seventeen, YM, Teen -- Sassy was the only publication for girls that really attempted educational journalism amid its Twin Peaks fashion spreads and celeb interviews with grunge luminaries like Kurt Cobain and Kim Gordon. This was well before everyone had the internet. For many, Sassy was like a super cool, trusted, wiser sister who could tell you what to expect at your first gynecologist visit, what to do if you've been raped, why it's important to make your voice heard and vote. The magazine had its regular columns: One to Watch, Cute Band Alert and It Happened to Me, which featured first-person accounts of experiences seldom or never before discussed in print for young women. "I Went to Prison." "I am a Muslim." "My Mom's a Drug Addict."

Being a bookish, weirdo teen in a small town (Sassy's target demographic), I desperately wanted to write for them. But, alas, my feeble fiction was justly rejected, and I was too young and too far away from the New York City offices to try for an internship. Yet, while I didn't feel comfortable sharing anything heavy enough for an "It Happened to Me" article, I could at least put together a passable question for the much more light-hearted Dear Boy advice column and try my luck that way.

Dear Boy. An innocuous enough feature. Many teenage girls find the male mind pretty mysterious, especially the mind of an older, famous, possibly cute boy, so Sassy provided a space for that. I wrote in without a thought as to what a man's advice specifically might imply. Is it really mansplainin' when the whole point is to have a girl ask a much older man in a position of social power a personal question? Does any teen girl need to know J. Mascis' opinion on big butts? (He likes them and cannot lie.) Does a parent want Thurston Moore telling their daughter that she'd be "lucky" if some crappy, cheating boy returns her affections? Is any woman anywhere served by Billy Corgan's guilt-tripping tale of woe at being romantically rejected by a childhood sweetheart?

Every month I would get my subscriber's copy of Sassy in the mail, bound up to my room, close the door behind me, and thumb the pages to the column to see if my question was there. And one day, one issue, in 1994, Mike D of the Beastie Boys answered. My hands shook as I started to read the familiar words under the header:

"BUMMING BAD SEED? My mom was a well-dressed, popular boy-magnet in high school. I am a punked-out loner boy-repellent. I get the feeling she’s disappointed in me. To top that off, my dad thinks I am unfeminine. Help! Searching for my real parents."

I cringe at the words "punked-out" now. I believe my original letter referenced my pea-green hair and good grades, but Sassy edited it for space. Anyway. Mike D responded:

"By age 14 I had orange hair and a safety pin in my ear and everyone thought I was a freak, but I had found music and friends who meant more to me than the accepted norm amongst kids in school. There’s no need to conform to the preconceptions of your parents. You obviously have got it going on, so as you achieve stuff on your own terms, your parents might come around to respect you."

It was a total softball question for the magazine that was my gateway drug to the fiction of Francesca Lia Block and Poppy Z. Brite, the music of Bikini Kill and Henry Rollins. But it was also very earnest. And self-edited. There was no "feeling" that my mom was disappointed by my combat boots. She made it very known. Or that my frustrated dad didn't exactly say I was unfeminine - more like I dressed like a freak. (His codeword for lesbian.) I did feel the weight of parental expectations like these, and I didn't know any sympathetic adults I could ask that particular question to. After all, my friends' parents were kind of all dealing with the same disappointing "freak" kids in their houses, too. And I was very privileged, really. The parents of some of my friends kicked out their lesbian daughters, neglected their clinically depressed kids, and lived in denial of their children's drug addictions. Those, unlike black lipstick and Bauhaus shirts, were actual, serious family conflicts that couldn't possibly be addressed with two witty sentences from a Beastie Boy.

Before that day, I liked Mike D, but wasn't a huge fan. Compared to past Dear Boy columnists, he wasn't as cool as Iggy Pop -- who had predictably terrible advice for teen girls -- but he was definitely a cooler Dear Boy than Evan Dando. (Damning with very faint praise, I know.) But after that Dear Boy column, I would think about a misfit Mike D who went on to great, creative things and I would feel a needed twinge of solidarity.

And Mike D was ultimately right. I already knew seeking parental approval wasn't a big concern for me, but, yeah, after a few years, I did feel my parents came around to respecting me. And accepting me as I was -- and as I continue to be -- which is not everything they had quite hoped for. A near impossibility for any child to be, but especially a teenager wanting to be herself as well as a "good" daughter, to whom all parents seem as distant as aliens.

Not at all like Mike D.

Of course by its nature, Sassy's Dear Boy questions were published anonymously two decades ago. My box of back issues has long since vanished. And that bums me out, because I always consider Sassy to be the first time I ever wrote to market. I don't expect everyone to believe my long-distance teenage connection to Mike D, but I also don't know why anyone would make that up. (Though it's a great way to get thirtysomething-year-old women to buy you a drink when they find out.) All I know is how I felt that summer – when I sometimes took to wearing a safety pin in my own ear -- I felt a little less weird and walked a little bit taller because of my secret pen pal.

Once upon a time, twenty years ago, Mike D thought that I had it going on.

https://boingboing.net/2014/11/20/remembering-sassy-magazines.html

[lizzybeth1986]

Quick Thoughts on DD Book 1 Chapter 4

• Jesus, this book is expensive.

• Like I assumed Chapter 3's one accomplishment-one-or-two-LIs-or-a-family-member thing would be a one-off, just to introduce us into the system/ease us into the story, but no...they've (sort of) repeated it this chapter. I was hoping they would spread out the accomplishments at least, but perhaps they want us to have at least most of the accomplishments worked out before we leave for London.

• I really hope this doesn't become a regular thing because it will only cause players to lose interest in the books for lack of affordability, in the long run. As it is the book largely caters to a niche audience...alienating that audience by having them lose of on half the story won't bode well for the book.

• Title: Best Foot Forward. Man, this one is easy. Of course it refers to dancing. And quite a lot of dancing is done this chapter, that's for sure!

• Sooo...the Earl has decided to introduce us into society in Edgewater with a garden party. Lots of hobnobbing, some dancing, a few games and you meet at least one 'suitor'.

• Did You Know: According to writer and garderner Kim Wilson, who wrote a book titled In the Garden with Jane Austen, gardens were viewed as markers of social status. In an interview with The Scotsman, she says, "each family's garden reflected not only their needs but, if they had enough money, their social aspirations". The poor cottagers of the time were mostly concerned with growing food and having a place to keep their chickens whereas wealthier families would have had kitchen gardens, but also often extensive pleasure grounds, which were places to display their wealth and taste. (from an article about Jane Austen's love for gardens in The Scotsman).

• Last chapter had us learning (optionally) the art of the fan from our Lady Grandmother, so it makes sense that what happens in this chapter is this:

Lololol just kidding.

• So the chapter begins with the MC and Briar talking. Briar is excited about the fact that a Duke (who, she reminds us, is "one step below a Prince Regent"), and the MC can either choose to be excited or very confident. Interestingly, if you're excited, she reminds you to "not forget your roots", which I think is a recurring theme in this book. After all, that was the last thing the MC's mother told her on her deathbed.

• Dominique enters the room and both she and Briar present us with a pretty pink lace dress that is sure to improve both our social standing and catch everyone's eye at this introductory garden party.

• It looks quite pretty, actually. But that's because I love lace.

• We head downwards, finding Annabelle performing for herself in the foyer and having a thoroughly good time.

• I'm wondering if I should have a tally for the number of times she says "a thousand pardons" (and for the record, I think her way of saying "fiddlesticks" is adorable xD).

• Our third "accomplishment" (and our second paid one) is presented to us here: dancing. It's not like the MC doesn't know dancing - she does - it's that the country dances (this might be a reference to the English Country Dances that were popular among all classes) are different from the ones Annabelle has learned, and indeed the popular ones for the aristocracy that are coming in from other places, like France.

• Annabelle mentions a couple of dances that were popular for its time: the cotillion (originated from France), the Quadrille (also from France), and La Boulanger (also French). If we choose the shoes the Lady Grandmother got made for us, Annabelle wastes no time in teaching us the last one.

• Annabelle speaks to us about the Quadrille being new. She isn't lying. The Quadrille became fashionable in England around 1815.

• Again, the good thing about the accomplishment scenes is that they're meant only for learning the skill, and Annabelle can develop in her individual scenes independent of this. Though I'm not sure if cramming both her individual scenes and her accomplishment scenes in the same chapter, two chapters in a row is a very good idea.

• Another marker of how new the MC is, lies in her interaction with Mr Woods (who is perhaps the only member of the housing staff we see at the party. Briar disappears completely after she's done her work of getting the MC ready, and Luke doesn't appear either). Mr Woods is surprised the MC deigns to speak to him in public, and Henrietta uses her interaction with him to point out how little she fits in, what with talk of the MC's "roots".

• Lol the exchange with the Earl if you bought the scene with the Lady Grandmother is quite funny haha. He speaks about Dominique drilling him into learning the names of all the families and the MC - saucy little shit that she is 😄 - looks at her fan and says "oddly enough, I know exactly what you mean".

• Ernest Sincliare makes his appearance after two chapters, and there's some banter about compliments if you're wearing the pretty lace dress I think. She teases him about it and he retorts that since he passes compliments so rarely, you can be sure that when he does he means every word. I can see that logic in that, Sinclair, but must you look like a child who has accidentally sucked on a particularly sour lemon when you do? 😂

• Throughout the chapter, you get references to the Season in London, and each time the MC by default takes it for granted that she will not be going there. Sinclaire hosts parties in London, Annabelle Parsons will be going there for the Season. Up until the end of the chapter, the vibe given overall is that she won't be seeing the two for a while now that they will be leaving Edgewater, and she won't.

• Did You Know: The London Season was developed to coincide with the sitting of parliament. During the months when parliament was in session, members of both Houses needed to be in attendance in London and came to the capital bringing their families with them. The London season grew up in response to this influx of upper class people who needed to be entertained.

Amanda Foreman, in her biography on Georgiana, Duchess of Devonshire, stated: "the aristocratic "season" came into existence not only to further the marriage market but to entertain the upper classes while they carried out their political duties. The season followed the rhythm of Parliament: it began in late October with the opening of the new session, and ended in June with the summer recess.” of course, later on this period of time gradually began to shift.

There also seems to be something called the "little season", but that seems more a fixture of the Victorian age than the Regency one (as mentioned in the article on the London Season from the Regency History website).

• The Earl and Mr Sinclaire share a more than cordial relationship: the Earl treats him with considerable warmth and Sinclaire shows a genuine respect and regard for him. You have a choice of asking him whether it is the Earl - or you - he has respect for (and the second option leads to a romantic moment), but it is what he says about the Earl, and his later interaction with Duke Richards that intrigues me:

What happened to Ledford Park that the Sinclaires almost lost it? Why does his statement towards the Duke about Ledford sound so accusatory? Why is there such a strong undercurrent within the latter interaction? I want to know what the story behind Ledford Park is, and how the Earl helped save it.

• One of my favourite Sinclaire-related sequences is an additional scene featuring the fan, as taught to us by the Dowager Countess the previous chapter. I tried the last two with Florence, the MC who has no interest in Sinclaire:

(the first four screenshots are from the "friends" option, and the next four from the "go away u suck" option)

Meanwhile, Marianne just goes in for the kill, fam. Homegirl didn't learn all those thot moves from Grandma for nothing 😄

I do like that extra bit of sexual tension in this scene. I'm not very into Sinclaire yet, but I can see the appeal he'd have for someone who would want the Mr Darcy type of Regency male LI character. You also see a fair bit of it in the scene where the MC asks him if it is her he respects:

• Sinclaire, dude, what is it with you and Italics??

• We now interrupt our regular programme with a game of Skittles. I'm not sure how many of you assumed Regency-era aristocrats were going to start passing around fruit-flavoured candy but I sure did 😂

• So this is skittles, played with nine pins. Very much one of the precursors to present day bowling from what I've read. Playing this game, and beating a champion like Mr Sinclaire at it will not only allow you to spend time alone with him, but also increase your social standing.

• It's simple enough: hit the red pin in the centre, and if you want you can distract the hell out of Sinclaire after he's fired his first shot.

• Twice this chapter, you see our resident comic relief for the day: Miss Theresa Oh-My-Smelling-Salts Sutton, and Mr Edmund Do-I-Look-Like-I-Care Malcaster, and I've decided I like them both (I wanted to add screenshots, but tumblr mobile sucks and won't let me put up more than ten images 😒)

• So we meet the "handsome", "titled" eligible bachelor our Lady Grandmother wanted us so badly to marry and...

...um. lol. ok.

Handsome? Charming? When was the last time you looked in the mirror dude, 20 years ago?

• You have a choice of how to respond after Duke Richards insults Mr. Sinclaire. You can either choose the Manners option, or you can choose to outright sass the man. If you don't sass him? The Lady Grandmother will do it for you.

• With the Manners option we find out that the Duke is 51 years old.

• With the non-manners option we find out that the dude likes saucy little minxes.

• @ the last panel in Florence's playthrough, Grandma even you can't deal with this dude for two minutes without nodding off. Why are you dumping him on my head then? (don't tell me. I know the answer 😐). See, this is why Florence will eventually kiss her inheritance goodbye lol.

• Jesus can this man just...speak two words without touching me??

• FINALLY. Miss Parsons. We choose a hiding place to get away from the Duke and then she offers to show us a new part of the estate: the lakefront. The great thing about gardens, esp in the writing of the time, was that it provided privacy for people at the time and allowed them to interact in ways they couldn't in public.

• Did you know: Austen herself used gardens pretty extensively in her writing. Mr Knightley confesses his love to Emma close to a shrubbery. Elizabeth jokes to her aunt about deciding to marry Mr Darcy after seeing the grounds in Pemberley. Fanny Price of Mansfield Park remarks, “To sit in the shade on a fine day, and look upon verdure, is the most perfect refreshment.” Catherine Morland of Northanger Abbey falls in love with hyacinths, Marianne Dashwood of Sense and Sensibility has a passion for fallen leaves in an autumnal garden, while Anne Elliot of Persuasion is always inspired to think of poetry when enjoying the beauties of nature.

Susannah Fullerton in her essay "Jane Austen and her gardens" (for the website Garden Drum) says: "Many proposals [in Austen's novels] take place out of doors where lovers can find some privacy amongst the gravel walks and flower beds; garden improvements are planned by some of the characters; and her heroines all enjoy going into a garden to think". 

• Makes sense then that one of the special scenes of this largely "forbidden" relationship (if you choose for that to happen) would take place in greenery, close to a lake. If you notice, it's quite in keeping with the times that most of the romantic moments this chapter happen either in an isolated section of the gardens or while dancing, both of which allow for some measure of interaction between people interested in each other.

• Miss Parsons, the legendary hero of a Duck Prophecy xD

• I love her in this scene. Sure she gets shy when she receives attention she's not used to from us, and she's kind and educative and sweet, but she's also boisterous and passionate and not afraid to pull punches when she needs to (case in point: the shade she immediately throws Henrietta's way regarding her "tutelage"). This scene has her stealing cake from the party to feed the ducks, getting exhilarated from the race and her new friendship with the MC, and feeling extremely confused by her feelings if you speak to her romantically.

• The first half of this scene is pure fun, but the second inevitably shows the two women experiencing a sense of loss that their connection will be cut short - whether they are friends or whether this is a budding romance.

• What I do love about both the romance scenes are the extra touches added to both in the coding. In the skittles scene with Ernest, Marianne is spoken of by default as brushing her hand against his before giving him the ball, whereas Florence simply passes it to him.

• Even with Annabelle, if you acquire romance points with her, the ending of that scene is written quite differently:

I absolutely love this part of the scene. And given that very often the female LI is treated like just the default best friend with some stray romance options attached, it really does feel good to have that sexual tension acknowledged.

• Florence, babe, what is it with you and Italics??

• TIME TO PUT ON OUR DANCING SHOES GUYS (if we bought them).

• So we're doing a dance called La Boulanger...which kinda looks like this:

You dance in a circle, then keep switching partners.

• Did You Know: that the Boulanger was one of the very few dances mentioned by name in Jane Austen's novels? (Pride and Prejudice Chapter 3. I think the reel is mentioned in another).

• I have two left feet unless someone is heavily choreographing a flash mob and spends ages teaching me the steps lol so this looks pretty complicated to me 😂

• You have an option of choosing between Mr Sinclaire, Miss Parsons and Duke Richards. The first two are the usual you'd expect from romantic dance scenes if you choose either of the first two, impressing them with your dance moves and then catching their eye when you're dancing with Edmund, your stepbrother. With Miss Parsons there is an additional show of boldness in that there is a danger of making their affections public.

• The Duke Richards option, which I managed to see thanks to @i-dream-so-i-write ...seems pretty okay actually. He doesn't seem as handsy and creepy as he does in our first meeting (there is a moment where his "hands skim your waist" though, and he tells us we've been apart too long [a couple seconds, tops]), but he's also still talking our ears off. If anyone is interested in seeing it, I can attach the screenshots!

• This man is so freaking extra I can't even.

• The chapter ends with the Earl announcing that he is changing his will, and that the MC is heiress to Edgewater Estate now, which makes it essential for her, then, to make her debut at the London Season, and begin searching for prospective bridegrooms.

• There is a catch though. You get the inheritance if you marry someone of suitable rank. In short...at this point in the story, Marianne is doing alright, but Florence is well and truly screwed until there is a twist somewhere (and surely there will be at some point). Sorry Florence.

• Henrietta has something up her sleeve, and Edmund, who was expecting to inherit, is sad and tells the MC so. You get a relationship point with him if you tell him you understand how it must feel, but he reiterates that you probably won't. We have time, we can still get this dude (and his palpitating fiancée) on our side. Maybe.

• Looks like we'll be starting our journey to London straightaway, and making our debut in London at Mr Sinclaire's party by Chapter 6. Alsooo from the spoilery chapter descriptions it looks like Mr. Marlcaster will try tripping us up at least once, or more than once. Also looks like we have two more skills on our accomplishment board to learn. So far we've gotten needlework, music and dancing - we now need to see what the other two are. I THINK one of them is painting.

General Thoughts:

• Good chapter. It's a little slow which is fine, because I think all the action will actually happen during the London Season instead. We meet only two suitors, one of whom we have already met in the first chapter.

• I feel like the extra scenes that we'll get with the unlocked accomplishments will include other styles of the same art. We initially learn the piano, but I feel like unlocking it will lead to extra scenes with other instruments, and unlocking the dancing shoes will show us extra scenes of Annabelle teaching us other dances (the waltzes, the reel, etc). I'm not entirely sure about this, it's just a theory I have. I mean, once we're in London we'll need to learn waltzes and the minuet and stuff.

• Luke doesn't make an appearance this chapter, but then again nor does Briar as soon as the MC gets ready. I think we'll see more of him now that we will be traveling to London.

• Donna Hatch's (who writes a ton of historical romances, esp Regency) essay on the London Season lists the months active in each year for it, and in 1816 it was from February to July. In the story it's now the beginning of April. Usually it's best to go at the very start if you're looking for marriage prospects, but given the MC's particular circumstances this time of the season isn't too bad either I'd reckon.

• Remember how I told you guys last chapter about the inclusion of Mary Brunton's Self Control? And how she criticizes the popular "rake" figure in Regency fiction? I'm not sure Duke Richards adheres completely to how rakes were depicted at the time, but he definitely does seem to be channeling Colonel Hargrave a little here.

• I wonder what the Duke seems to be hiding. Besides of course the truth of his equation with Sinclaire. Why is he so focused on this new woman? I think there might be more to this. I also can't wait to see the other suitors, like the viscount and Mr Chambers.

• I do like how we learn more about Sinclaire and Annabelle here. Annabelle largely has the role that Hana had in TRR, and there are some similarities - but she also has a lot more wiggle-room and seems to be bolder and a little more outgoing. She has grown up with the limitations placed on women at the time, but unlike Hana, hasn't faced as many restrictions in her upbringing.

• As I've mentioned before, I love Annabelle and I love that they're trying to do a better job of her. But I'm not entirely sure if cramming two separate scenes of hers in single chapters of an already expensive book is a wise choice, or if it will harm her development in the long run because people find it too expensive to spend on her. IMO the accomplishment scenes should be a little further spread out in the books.

• Now that the MC is going to be a future Countess, what is in store for her? In her rightful home Edgewater, she has a limited audience and not as much expectation to live up to...what will become of her now that she will be participating in the Season in London? Guess we'll find out today, or in the coming weeks xD

• Tagging: @boneandfur @liamraines @thespiritpanda @alanakusumastan @ernestsinclairs @mrsthomashunt @private-investigator-nazario @bcdollplace @queenodysseia @mcbangle

If you'd like to be tagged in one of the QTs, please let me know!

[janiedean]

what do you think of new atheism?

tldr: they have a right to exist same as any other confession on earth even if they aren’t religious.

long answer: I honestly don’t even know why it’s a debate. they’re atheists (and half of them don’t consider themselves *new* anyway) and there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t agree when people who are *new atheists* are also altright and stuff but guess what I don’t agree because they’re altright, not because they’re atheists - there are atheist assholes and nice atheists same as there’s religious assholes and nice religious people.

but like the thing is, people hate new atheists because they’re actually outspoken about their atheism and while I don’t agree with 80% of their methods - ie I don’t believe in telling religious people off or treating them like they’re stupid for buying into it or being that clear cut about it, and I generally don’t believe in preaching anything, if people want to believe in stuff or don’t want to you shouldn’t have anyone convincing you of the contrary (unless we’re talking like scientology but that’s a scam X°D). so like, same as I wouldn’t want a jehova’s witness to come to my door and try to convert me I wouldn’t go to someone religious and try to change their mind. but the fact that everyone seems to be generally okay with the idea of religious people from any religion (bar scientology but even scientology has spaces) doing proselytism and trying to convert people but at the same time new atheists are scum and should keep their mouth shut is ridiculous to me. if people can preach whichever religion then dawkins can go around tell people that he thinks religion is a fairytale and saying that he shouldn’t is hypocritical af.

and like this ties back with what I was saying before ie that a lot of people seem to think that being atheist is okay as long as you keep your mouth shut about it and don’t contradict other people and don’t say it because we have to keep that hidden and since most of the outspoken people in the new atheist movement happen to be men then everyone has decided that atheists are all fedora-wearing mras and like.

fuck that? sorry but I hate this idea that we’re okay until we don’t talk about it. I mean fuck’s sake there’s places in the world where you get murdered for being atheist, in some US states people can’t have government jobs if they don’t swear on the bible, actually if the last poll I read is still valid in the US a majority of people wouldn’t trust an openly atheist president, I’ve got people assuming that I have no morals when I said I was atheist then proceeding to ask invasive questions about why I was and then ‘AH BUT YOU’RE OFFENDING ME’, in any fucking piece of media in existence (okay, nine on ten) we’re the fucking hollywood atheist which is one of the most offensive tropes in existence but guess why NO ONE EVER THINKS ABOUT THAT or considers that offensive but hey, depicting us as assholes who are terrible whenever touching the religion topic and only deserve sympathy if we apologize or convert is okay, and that’s like the tip of the iceberg re shitty attitude that people have towards atheists to this day.... when on top of that accepting atheism is a relatively new thing (bc in the 19th century in the UK you couldn’t be sworn into parliament if you didn’t belong to a church just to say one, nvm that john locke founded the modern concept of freedom of religion but ATHEISTS WERE THE ONLY CATEGORY NOT INCLUDED guess why) and people go around complaining about richard dawkins or hitchens? (who btw has written illuminating stuff about mother theresa to say one but pfffff of course no one outside his readership read that...) like, forreal?

also: we’re not all men, we’re not all white and we’re not a hivemind - we exist and we’re not generally assholes and this idea that we’re okay or to be accepted just as long as we keep our mouth shut to me is revolting and offensive af tbqh so while I don’t generally agree with a lot of the new atheism attitude and I don’t agree with some of them about specifics things they said (I mean dawkins said a lot of things I disagree with, doesn’t mean we aren’t both atheist) they have all the rights to be out in the world being outspoken about it and people who don’t like it can swallows the frog and think that two centuries ago if atheists were outspoken about it they ended up in prison and since today we’re past that point in this part of the world (again in pakistan some people got killed for it and I think in bangladesh others were hacked to death or people proposed it for them because they posted atheism-related stuff on their blog) they have all the right to say whatever the fuck they like same as the pope has any right to preach or jehova’s witnesses have the right to knock and my door and so on. and anyway if someone’s religious and they’re convinced of it then it won’t be dawkins changing their mind, and if dawkins does then they most likely had doubts already. anyway tldr I don’t necessarily agree with them but I’m fine with them existing and they have all the rights to do their thing. religious people (IN GENERAL) have done the exact same for years and if during the protestant schism there could be a damned war in switzerland that lasted five years because luther and calvin couldn’t agree on how many sacraments they were going to allow in a joined protestantism that then never happened then new atheists have all the right to a platform, since they also aren’t killing anyone. I’ve said my piece.

also, DISCLAIMER: again, I have absolutely nothing against religious people (of ANY religion) who aren’t radicals/fundamentalists (categories that I loathe in any circumstance), I have a problem with religious influence on secular laws and I can’t stand anymore this idea that the only good atheist is the one that keeps his mouth shut and is grateful that the state lets him exist when one century ago it wasn’t guaranteed. sorry but that’s complete bullshit and that’s also why I don’t really like it when people go like EW BUT DAWKINS IS SHIT I DON’T AGREE HE’S THE BAD APPLE because like, if catholics who don’t agree with the church’s ban on divorce don’t have to excuse themselves all over to be taken seriously then you shouldn’t need to disown dawkins and go like AH BUT THAT’S NOT HOW ONE SHOULD DO IT in order to be taken seriously. I’m atheist, dawkins & co are, I don’t necessarily agree with them a lot of the time but they have a right to exist same as every other preacher has had the right to exist in the centuries. peace.

[lionheartslowstart]

My Current Best Friend: A Reflection

Recently I went through all of my old posts, so naturally that includes the “Ex-Best Friend” series. Now, after everything that’s happened with “Kevin,” not to mention general growth and maturity, I’m seeing that story in a very different light. So I decided to write a new version of it, four years later. (I’m not going to retell the whole story, this will be more of a bullet points situation, so if you need a refresher, head over to my archives and scroll aaaaaallllllll the way down to August of 2017.)

I want to begin this post by saying I have very much changed my tune in terms of being friends with your friend’s partners. I feel strongly that, unless you were already friends before they started dating, it’s not at all appropriate to become friends with your friend’s partners. I don’t mean you shouldn’t become friendly, or not enjoy their company. And ideally, you would, because you’ll probably be spending a lot of time together. What I do mean is that you shouldn’t be hanging out or talking outside a group setting. I’m sure some people will disagree with me, and that’s fine. I just feel like getting close with your friend’s partner has potential to cause too many issues, including some of the issues that arose in this story. At the very least, I should have respected “Rachel’s” wishes and created more distance between Kevin and myself. She was (and IS) my best friend and her needs should have been my first priority, whether I agreed with them or not. Could she have been more mature and handled her feelings and the situation better? Yes. But were were 16/17, so it’s not like we were capable of the same level of communication we are today. And the bottom line is, I was in the wrong here, regardless of how effective her communication was or wasn’t.

As I say in the story, when Kevin and I first met, we didn’t like each other. Most of what I knew about Kevin was from Rachel telling me about their fights, and according to Kevin, she was telling him bad things about me as well. Now looking back, I know that Rachel was probably already experiencing early signs of emotional abuse that I was too young to recognize. Also, I was her best friend, and so when they fought, who was she going to go to? Me, obviously. Years later, she explained to me that she’s not the kind of person to gush over how amazing someone is (true) and so it didn’t even occur to her back then that she might have be painting her boyfriend in a bad light. As for Kevin’s side of it, while it’s totally possible Rachel was saying some not great things about me, I don’t think they were as nasty as Kevin claimed. We were in high school, and there were absolutely insecurities that existed between Rachel and I (and they were discussed and resolved a long time ago). But I strongly doubt her words were as harsh as Kevin made them out to be. In fact, I strongly suspect Kevin intentionally twisted them to make them sound a lot worse than they probably were. Because Kevin, NOT Rachel, is the one who enjoys having people fight over him.

While we were dating, Kevin had this friend whom I will call “Theresa.” The situation was a bit different here, since Kevin and Theresa had been friends for a few years before he and I dated. Though, I did know for a fact (because he told me) that he had had feelings for Theresa before we got together. Just a crush that never went anywhere. In the beginning, I did feel threatened by her, I won’t lie, but I pushed those feelings down because I didn’t want to “turn into Rachel” in that regard. I was eventually able to get over those feelings, but it didn’t take long for them to return, because Kevin wanted them to.

After our first breakup, Kevin starting making…comments that made me feel threatened. After we got back together, he continued engaging in behaviors with her that I felt were inappropriate, like wearing each other clothes, or participating in a group video chat where she was shirtless (he was the only one on the call with a girlfriend). He would consistently create or influence tension between Theresa and I, and would always take her side when I had some kind of issue with her. I have reason to believe that he always took my side when she had an issue with me. And then Kevin would express frustration with us, because he “just wanted us to get along.” Meanwhile, he was the one creating all the issues. And when things blew up and Theresa blocked me on everything, only then did Kevin express regret for trying to “force us to be friends.” When in reality, he was forcing us to be enemies, and then pressuring us to spend time together.

Of course, because history repeats itself, Kevin ended up sleeping with Theresa after we broke up. And while he technically didn’t do anything wrong, because we were broken up, it felt icky and gross because it was like I’d been calling it from the beginning, and I had been threatened by her from the beginning. Our entire relationship, he had been reassuring me that nothing would ever happen between them, that they were just friends, and I had nothing to worry about. (Sound familiar?) The best part though was the fact that, before I knew they had slept together, he tried pushing us to be friends with each other. How disgusting is that? That you’re trying to force me to befriend your fuck buddy, and I don’t even know you slept together?! Ugh.

For the record, I don’t have any sympathy for Theresa. I see no reason to delve into the details, but suffice it to say I think she’s a toxic, selfish, disagreeable person who thrives on drama and weaponizes her mental illness. And she was also definitely intentionally driving a wedge of her own between Kevin and I. Why? No idea. They slept together twice (allegedly) and then stopped. I think she got what she wanted and then didn’t want it anymore. And she willingly participated in “making nice” with me, knowing I didn’t know that she and Kevin had slept together. As far as I’m concerned, Theresa can go fuck herself. She and Kevin deserve each other. Though, last I heard, Kevin has already gotten sick of her and has almost completely distanced himself from her, even as a friend. Figures.

So yes, as I was saying, I fully believe Kevin was the one who was trying to pit Rachel and me against each other, not the other way.

In terms of going to Playland, that goes back to the first point, which was that it wasn’t okay for me to be spending that kind of one-on-one time with him, especially right after they broke up. While I did reach out to Rachel, she wasn’t my priority during that time. I understand why I gravitated towards Kevin, which I explain in the original post, but it was the wrong call. At the very least, I should have checked with Rachel to make sure she was okay with my taking Kevin to Playland. Though I do think bringing my brother along was a smart thing to do, because it sent the message to everyone, Kevin included, that it was not a romantic outing. Still, I shouldn’t have gone with him. I should have taken Rachel instead. (Maybe I will the next time she’s in town…)

And when Kevin told Rachel he had developed feelings for me because of that trip, he didn’t tell her because he was “such a good guy and he just wanted to be honest.” He told her because it created more issues between us. He told her because he knew it would distress her and make her “need him” more. God he’s such a worm. And while I understood and was flattered by his declaration that he would choose me in an ultimatum, I now believe it to be the wrong choice. If we had been friends before they started dating, definitely. But because I was her friend first, he absolutely should have said “if it makes you uncomfortable, I won’t talk to Sophie anymore.” Which ended up being the choice he made eventually anyway, and I was never angry at him for it, because I understood that choice too, and I think even knew deep down it’s what he should have done when she first voiced her feelings about it.

I fully understand why Rachel stopped talking to me. My whole rant about Rachel feeling like I had to choose only her and there was no “both” is bullshit. And it’s not just because I shouldn’t have gotten that close with Kevin in the first place. It’s because he was abusing her, and she probably felt like she had lost the one person who was supposed to be her ally no matter what. And while I had no idea how abusive Kevin was to her, and she didn’t know how to explain it all to me, it doesn’t make Rachel’s feelings less valid. I can’t imagine what that kind of betrayal must have felt like.

Fast forward, Rachel must have been psyched when I reached out to her again. I mean, I was psyched to have her in my life again. We were able to rekindle things so quickly, despite years going by, and I’m willing to bet part of that is because she WAS my only focus, and I had no relationship with Kevin anymore.

Re-reading how she described her feelings about ending things with Kevin, I’m shook by how relatable it all is. She was so sure of herself, so confident that she had made the right choice, despite the fact that she was abandoning a six year relationship. And while I didn’t understand why at the time, I sure as shit do now. Not only that, but I now I have a completely new understanding of and empathy for how quickly she moved on. Rachel had a new boyfriend, whom I referred to as “Steve” in the “Ex-Best Friend Series,” just two months after she and Kevin had broken up. I’m pretty sure they started seeing each other within just a few weeks after she left Kevin. At the time, Rachel explained to me it was because in her mind, her relationship with Kevin had been over for a long time already. It was exactly the same with me. There was quite a bit of overlap between Kevin and my now boyfriend, because Kevin and I were already broken up, albeit still “involved,” when I met “Thomas.” Thomas and I made things official pretty much as soon as Kevin and I were over-over. I had already started falling out of love with Kevin in the beginning of the year, though I didn’t immediately realize it was happening. And Thomas and I had already been talking for a year, so it’s not like we were starting from zero. Plus, it’s easy to fall for someone who is supporting you through the end of an abusive relationship. Granted, Steve ended up also being an abusive piece of shit, and I’m so fucking glad Rachel isn’t with him anymore. But I do understand why she gravitated towards him so quickly.

In the original post, I mentioned that Rachel didn’t tell me more about her decision to break up with Kevin, beyond “I don’t love him anymore.” I can understand why. It took a long time for Rachel to fully process everything that happened between them, and I don’t think she was ready to talk about it yet. I never pushed, and I’m glad I didn’t, but I do wish I had had more foresight, or at the very least, considered there might actually be a lot more to what was going on that was unspoken. I also think Rachel wanted the breakup to be as nonchalant as possible. If she didn’t focus on it, if she didn’t “make it a big thing,” she wouldn’t have to think about it as much. Rachel hasn’t said this to me, I’m just going based off what I know about her.

After a few weeks of incessant texting, Kevin finally convinced Rachel to meet him in person to talk to him. It was then that he grabbed her arm. Now, as I said in the story, I wasn’t there. But I do know now that grabbing someone’s arm to keep them from leaving the vicinity is a huge, crimson flag. There is literally no reason or excuse for it, and it foreshadows much worse physical abuse. (Though in this case it wasn’t so much foreshadowing as it was an echo, but I did not know that at the time.) 

When Rachel told me this story, she laughed it off and told me I was making a “big deal out of it,” so I took her at face value and let it go, a mistake I have made many times in the past. I have finally learned not to take these kinds of statements at their word, not because the people who have said things like this to me were immature, or liars, or poor communicators, but because it is so much easier for victims to pretend like everything is fine and brush off abuse, than it is for them to admit out loud how bad things are. I wish that understanding came a lot earlier than it did. Unfortunately, sometimes you need a combination of maturity and experience to do the trick.

In any case, I chose to reach out to Kevin in a moment of massive hypocrisy. I told myself it was okay to reach out to him, since he and Rachel were broken up (which, if anything, made it less okay), and because it seemed like Rachel was pulling away from me anyway. In truth, it did feel like she was pulling away. I heard from her less and less, and our conversations were shorter and shorter. But instead of reaching out to her and explaining to her how I felt, I decided that the conclusion I had drawn was correct and acted accordingly. Wasn’t I myself frustrated that she hadn’t voiced her feelings to me back in 2012? And there I was doing the same thing! So stupid. Now, of course, I do know why I wasn’t hearing from her as much. But I didn’t find out until years later, because I had just never asked. (It had nothing to do with me.) At the beginning of Part 3, I wrote that Rachel didn’t have a level of trust or honest communication with me. And while that may have been true, the reality is that I also clearly didn’t have that with her. It was a two way street, and both lanes were closed.

I also asserted that I shouldn’t have had to ask Rachel for permission to reach out to Kevin. But obviously, that’s not true. I think even at the time I knew that wasn’t true. You should absolutely check in with your friend before reaching out to their ex, period. And it’s totally valid for them to say no! But that doesn’t even really matter because, as I’ve already said, I should never have even gotten as close to Kevin as I did. So I shouldn’t have reached out to him again at all, I should have just left well enough alone. I did eventually ask Rachel if it was okay for me to be talking to Kevin, and she said it was fine. Later, I was frustrated that she had told me it was fine when it obviously wasn’t, but I don’t blame her in the slightest. I had already reached out to him, I’m sure she probably felt like it was too late and it didn’t matter if she said no at that point. I feel terrible, that she had to go through that same betrayal again, especially after it seemed like everything was back to normal.

It was easy for me to get sucked into a close friendship with Kevin. As I’ve mentioned many times, Kevin is a character. He’s charming and charismatic, intelligent and funny, and extremely kind and supportive…when he wants to be. And while I was loyal in the beginning, knowing that hooking up with Kevin would be wrong, that changed more quickly than I would care to admit. I look back at those couple of months now, back when things were building up between us, with immense sadness. Those memories are tainted forever. He was so loving, so caring, so gentle and sweet and romantic, and it was all a lie, a facade. It only took a few months and that behavior stopped. It was a seamless transition to what he became: cold, apathetic, manipulative, angry, and nasty. I’m certain Rachel had the same experience.

Now obviously, it should have never gotten to the point it got to, but considering it did, I have to say that my biggest regret (other than dating Kevin at all obviously,) was how I handled telling Rachel. Or rather, not telling her. There I was, throwing shade about how “immature” Rachel was and how she “didn’t know how to communicate,” and how she “didn’t trust me.” Meanwhile, I was so fucking immature, I wasn’t communicating, I proved to her she could not trust me, and worst of all, I was an absolute coward. I didn’t tell her. I casually let her find out on facebook. That’s repulsive. That’s some high school mean girl shit. That’s fucking craven. I am still to this day so deeply ashamed of myself for that. If nothing else (and gosh there is so much else), that proves to me that I’m the one who was in the wrong the whole fucking time. 

I claimed our friendship meant nothing to Rachel anymore, but it was I who discarded it. I hooked up with her ex, her ex who had been abusive to her no less (I didn’t know that but still), and I didn’t even have the huevos to tell her about it. I honestly can’t believe I was ever able to delude myself into blaming her for our friendship ending. I’m rereading these entries and I’m genuinely so disgusted with 22 year old me. I thought SHE hadn’t been a good friend? Good God. I’m truly, truly horrified.

---

Before I wrap up, I briefly want to address three specific things I wrote at the end of My Ex Best Friend: Part 3. 

1. “I always really admired him for his mature and measured responses.” 

Kevin has multiple sides to him, and he is excellent at controlling which sides people see. After dating him, I can say with confidence that Kevin’s responses are rarely mature or measured. In fact, his responses tend to be rooted in rage and pettiness more often than not.

2. “It’s strange, there are sort of two versions of her in my head. The one I’ll always care about who was my best friend for years, and the one who deeply hurt the man I love. I think I’ll always have mixed feelings about her, which is probably why I still think about her a lot.”

It’s so fascinating to me, that I had these two versions of her in my head, and it makes so much more sense now. Because the first one is the real her, the Rachel I knew and loved and grew up with. The latter version is the person Kevin created, twisted into existence, and manipulated me into seeing. And that’s why I was never able to fully reconcile the two. One was real and one wasn’t. Thankfully, I no longer have mixed feelings about Rachel.

3. “Out of the two of them, I know Kevin is the more honest, caring, loyal, and better person. I’ve found my soul mate, someone who understands me in a way no one else ever has or ever will. He makes me feel safe and comfortable in my own skin. Sometimes he even makes me forget about my PTSD. I’m so happy to be able to say that I’m in love with my best friend and really mean it. I’ll always miss Rachel, but at the end of the day, I’m more than happy with the choice that I made.”

Kevin is absolutely none of those things. He’s not honest, caring, loyal, a good person, or my soul mate. He definitely understood me in a way almost no one ever has, but he gave me no empathy, and he treated me the same way “Shawn” did - he saw me for who I was and then made me feel like I was bad. He actively compounded my PTSD. I’m sorry I fell in love with my “best friend,” because he was the one who ended up not valuing our friendship, throwing it aside because I wasn’t in love with him anymore, when for years he swore up and down to me we’d always be friends no matter what. He was abusive, to me, and to Rachel.

I 100% regret the choice I made. It was the wrong choice. I am so fucking lucky that Rachel chose to forgive me, that she allowed me the chance to show her I grew into a better person. I am so blessed that I had the opportunity to correct that choice, to go over it with white-out and write something on top. Rachel is, far and away, the best person I’ve ever known. She has such a large, kind, generous heart. She only ever wants everyone to be happy, even people who have hurt her. She is pure light. She is everything that’s right in the world. And I can’t believe I was ever stupid enough to hurt her as badly as I did. 

As much as I wish I could lay all the blame on Kevin, say he tricked me and manipulated me into feeling a certain way, I have to take some responsibility as well. Yes, Kevin did manipulate me, but I definitely could have been a better friend. I could have been more mature and compassionate. I could have been more observant and less selfish. I plan on spending the rest of my life being the best friend I can possibly be to that woman. I will never give her any reason to doubt me or my loyalty. I love Rachel with all of my heart and then some, and I refuse to ever hurt her again.

[xtruss]

Is the U.S. Withdrawal From Afghanistan the End of the American Empire?

Only time will tell whether the old adage about Afghanistan’s being the graveyard of empires proves as true for the United States as it did for the Soviet Union.

—By Jon Lee Anderson | The New Yorker | September 1, 2021

For two decades now, the U.S. has seemed increasingly unable to effectively harness its military prowess and economic strength to its advantage.Photograph by Rick Loomis / Los Angeles Times / AFP / Getty

How does an empire die? Often, it seems, there is a growing sense of decay, and then something happens, a single event that provides the tipping point. After the Second World War, Great Britain was all but bankrupt and its Empire was in shreds, but it soldiered on thanks to a U.S. government loan and the new Cold War exigencies that allowed it to maintain the outward appearance of a global player. It wasn’t until the 1956 Suez debacle, when Britain was pressured by the U.S., the Soviet Union, and the United Nations to withdraw its forces from Egypt—which it had invaded along with Israel and France following Gamal Abdel Nasser’s seizure of the Suez Canal—that it became clear that its imperial days were over. The floodgates to decolonization soon opened.

In February, 1989, when the Soviet Union withdrew its military from Afghanistan after a failed nine-year attempt to pacify the country, it did so in a carefully choreographed ceremony that telegraphed solemnity and dignity. An orderly procession of tanks moved north across the Friendship Bridge, which spans the Amu Darya river, between Afghanistan and Uzbekistan—then a Soviet republic. The Soviet commander, Lieutenant-General Boris Gromov, walked across with his teen-age son, carrying a bouquet of flowers and smiling for the cameras. Behind him, he declared, no Soviet soldiers remained in the country. “The day that millions of Soviet people have waited for has come,” he said at a military rally later that day. “In spite of our sacrifices and losses, we have totally fulfilled our internationalist duty.”

Gromov’s triumphal speech was not quite the equivalent of George W. Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” following the 2003 Iraq invasion, but it came close, and the message that it was intended to relay, at least to people inside the Soviet Union, was a reassuring one: the Red Army was leaving Afghanistan because it wanted to, not because it had been defeated. The Kremlin had installed an ironfisted Afghan loyalist who was left to run things in its absence, a former secret-police chief named Najibullah; there was also a combat-tested Afghan Army, equipped and trained by the Soviets.

Meanwhile, the mujahideen guerrilla armies that had been subsidized and armed by the United States and its partners Saudi Arabia and Pakistan were in a celebratory mood. Their combat units were massed outside Afghanistan’s regime-held cities, and there was an expectation that it would not be long before Najibullah succumbed, too, and Kabul would be theirs. In the end, he held out for another three years, with his downfall merely leading to a new civil war.

For all the talk of internationalist duty, the Afghanistan that the Soviets left behind was a charnel ground. Out of its population of twelve million people, as many as two million civilians had been killed in the war, more than five million had fled the country, and another two million were internally displaced. Many of the country’s towns and cities lay in ruins, and half of Afghanistan’s rural villages and hamlets had been destroyed.

Officially, only fifteen thousand or so Soviet troops had been killed—although the real figure may be much higher—and fifty thousand more soldiers were wounded. But hundreds of aircraft, tanks, and artillery pieces were destroyed or lost, and countless billions of dollars diverted from the hard-pressed Soviet economy to pay for it all. However much the Kremlin tried to gloss it over, the average Soviet citizen understood that the Afghanistan intervention had been a costly fiasco.

It was only eighteen months after the Soviet withdrawal from Afghanistan that a group of hard-liners tried to launch a coup against the reformist premier Mikhail Gorbachev. But they had miscalculated their power, and popular support. In the face of public demonstrations against them, their putsch soon failed, followed by the collapse of the Soviet Union itself. Of course, by then, much beyond the Soviet Union’s Afghan quagmire had conspired to fatally weaken the once powerful Empire from within.

While the two events are humiliatingly comparable, only time will tell whether the old adage about Afghanistan’s being the graveyard of empires proves as true for the United States as it did for the Soviet Union. My colleague Robin Wright thinks so, writing, on August 15th, “America’s Great Retreat [from Afghanistan] is at least as humiliating as the Soviet Union’s withdrawal in 1989, an event that contributed to the end of its empire and Communist rule. . . . Both of the big powers withdrew as losers, with their tails between their legs, leaving behind chaos.” When I asked James Clad, a former U.S. Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defense, for his thoughts on the matter, he e-mailed me, “It’s a damaging blow, but the ‘end’ of Empire? Not yet, and probably not for a long time. The egregious defeat has hammered American prestige, however, delivering the geopolitical equivalent of egg on our face. Is that a fatal blow? In the wider world, America still retains its offshore power-balancing function. And despite some overheated journalism, no irreversible advantage has passed to our primary geopolitical opponent—China.”

It is true that, for the time being, America retains its military prowess and its economic strength. But, for two decades now, it has seemed increasingly unable to effectively harness either of them to its advantage. Instead of enhancing its hegemony by deploying its strengths wisely, it has repeatedly squandered its efforts, diminishing both its aura of invincibility and its standing in the eyes of other nations. The vaunted global war on terror—which included Bush’s invasion of Iraq for the purpose of finding weapons of mass destruction that did not exist, Barack Obama’s decision to intervene in Libya and his indecisiveness about a “red line” in Syria, and Donald Trump’s betrayal of the Kurds in the same country and his 2020 deal with the Taliban to withdraw U.S. troops from Afghanistan—has effectively caused terrorism to metastasize across the planet. Al Qaeda may no longer be as prominent as it was on 9/11, but it still exists and has a branch in North Africa; isis has affiliates there, too, and in Mozambique, and, of course, as the horrific attacks last Thursday at Kabul airport underscored, in Afghanistan. And the Taliban have returned to power, right where it all began twenty years ago.

Rory Stewart, a former British government minister who served on Prime Minister Theresa May’s National Security Council, told me that he has observed the events in Afghanistan with “horror”:

Throughout the Cold War, the United States had a consistent world view. Administrations came and went, but the world view didn’t change that much. And then, following 9/11, we—America’s allies—went along with the new theories it came up with to explain its response to the terrorist threat in Afghanistan and elsewhere. But there’s been a total lack of continuity since then; the way the United States viewed the world in 2006 is night and day to how it views it today. Afghanistan has gone from being the center of the world to one in which we are told that such places pose no threat at all. What that suggests is that all of the former theorizing now means nothing. To see this lurch to isolationism that is so sudden that it practically destroys everything we’ve fought for together for twenty years is deeply disturbing.

Stewart, who co-founded the Turquoise Mountain Foundation—which has supported cultural heritage projects, health, and education in Afghanistan for fifteen years years—and is now a senior fellow at Yale’s Jackson Institute for Global Affairs, was skeptical of Joe Biden’s assertion that the strategic priorities of the United States no longer lie in places like Afghanistan, but in countering China’s expansion. “If this were true,” he said, “then clearly part of the logic of the American confrontation with China would be to say, ‘We’re going to demonstrate our values with our presence across the world,’ just as it did in the Cold War with the U.S.S.R. And one way you’d do that is to continue your presence in the Middle East and other places, because removing yourself is counterproductive. In the end, I think all of this talk about a China pivot is really just an excuse for American isolationism.”

Back to the nagging question: Does the return of the Taliban in Afghanistan represent the end of the American era? On the heels of what appears to have been a disastrous decision by Biden to adhere to a U.S. troop drawdown that was set in motion by his feckless predecessor, it can certainly be said that the international image of the United States has been damaged. It seems a valid question to ask whether the United States can claim much moral authority internationally after handing Afghanistan, and its millions of hapless citizens, back to the custody of the Taliban. But it remains unclear whether, as Stewart suggests, the U.S. retreat from Afghanistan represents part of a larger inward turn, or whether, as Clad believes, the U.S. may soon reassert itself somewhere else to show the world that it still has muscle. Right now, it feels as if the American era isn’t quite over, but it isn’t what it once was, either.

— Jon Lee Anderson, a staff writer, began contributing to The New Yorker in 1998. He is the author of several books, including “Che Guevara: A Revolutionary Life.”

[darlynnnnn-blog]

The Several Top rated Points in Slovakia

Every snowflake is made up of 6 aspects of crystals; all of them shows a key, as the 7th mystery is the snowflake alone. The telephone number 7 is actually a mark of excellent lot of money. It might point out to men and women in the 8 amazing things of the planet. Slovakia, a travel and leisure region, features its own 7 secrets.

elizabeth bathory castle

Through the entire total year, she exhibits her great elegance to those from worldwide: lengthy record, organic virgin areas, cozy journey centre, numerous national and entertainment solutions and the most significant key - hospitable natural people.

(1) Bratislava

Structures listed here provides people today a straightforward and unadorned impact in the 1st sight. Nonetheless, if you excursion throughout the whole metropolis, you will end up impressed by the avenues loaded with houses with conventional fashion. These easy and undecorated squares have a very simple and fabulous design. This city is usually a lovely place. The society right here traces back to the traditional time. 2000 years ago, there existed primitive cities built by Celts. Then Romans developed their army camps right here, even though Slaves began to settle down here in the half a dozen century Offer. In 1291 AD, town was viewed as a liberty area, which is the most important event taken place listed here. After that, the centre of this area served as the coronation spot for sovereigns of Kingdom of Hungary. In excess of 300 disables of buildings on this page observed many cultural activities. Altogether there have been 11 Kings and 8 Queens crowned on this page. Nearby the sq . in area centre, there is a coronation streets which captured the glory on this city. It really is paved with 178 crown-decorated copper plates on a lawn.

(2) Saint. Martin's Cathedral

Saint. Martin's Cathedral was crowned being a holy church in 1452 Offer. The highest portion of its chancel is up to 18.5 meters. The time tower is 85 yards significant. The incredible matter is always that there exists a yellow gold-coated desk of two sq m on the time clock tower. On this kitchen table, you will discover a gilt identical of your crown of Hungary Emperor, which weighs about 300 kilometers. During the very first Society Combat, the 5 bells were melted to create cannons. The only real made it through bell weighs 2 plenty. In a very term, you can get a lot of wonderful stuff listed here.

Bratislava Fortress can be a also speculate while in people intervals. In past times, it absolutely was a comparatively tiny castle properties of a Slav duke. This became a management place of the investment capital in the kingdom and finally became a property with the imperial minister. Until 1811, there happened a disastrous blaze which created Bratislava castle turn into a stack of damages.

Reconstruction and beautification are produced 150 a long time after that failure. The present fortress has got the reception hallway of Councils of Slovak Republic. The fortress is characterized by four tower halls. This structural type dates back to the time period among 1635 and 1649. The fortress holders 85 yards higher than Danube Stream. You could summary the complete town from each observatory.

The Palacio Arzobispal is actually a prize amongst all those classical architectures in Bratislava. After the battle of Slavkov, France which has been under the reign of Napoleon sighed Pressburg Peace Treaty with Austria during the Mirror hallway of Palacio Arzobispal. Now, there is a wedding party hallway of Bratislava mayor, where you are able to see 6 bits of 17th century tapestry. Around the entry way, there exists a cardinal hat which can be 1.8 meters in size, but weighs about 150 kgs.

(3) Planet Societal History

Slovakia owns quite a few ethnic historical past which will likely make other Middle European countries respect. This advantages of the serious man society here. I want to bring in Maria Theresa who is a good lady regarded as mom of Austria. She was crowned during the Saint. Martin's Cathedral in Bratislava. During the yrs amongst 1563 to 1830, there were a total of 11 Hungarian kings and 9 Princess crowned in St. Martin's Cathedral and Franciscan churches like Maria Theresa. Nowadays, it is now a traditional web site which attracts quite a few visitors.

Banska Stiavnica

Apart from the specialized solutions of exploration, Stiavnica is the owner of plentiful h2o information along with other solutions. This has been called "gold city" because there were a variety of silver mines. You can actually find that this city is very prosperous when you see individuals 215 federal historic cites. In this article there are two overdue Gothic cathedrals every 500 m. It became the 3rd greatest city of the Kingdom of Hungary in 18th century. An original water system was built from 16th century to 18th century. This technique features 60 guy-produced water body systems which make the side to side drainpipes and standard water channels become a credibility. Under the terrain in this area there are numerous quantities of drinking water stations with all the deepest place as serious as 900 yards. There are many varieties of architectures and sites of hobbies on the floor exactly where travellers are able to do exploration themselves.

(4) Caves

Caves in Slovakia are exceptional on earth since there are handful of regions in the world will surely have a lot of Karst caverns, which entice just about 650,000 visitors annually from around the globe. More than several ages, many caves have been inscribed in the Community Historical past Listing by UNESCO, amid which you can find a challenging Slovenia cave created by in excess of 400 caverns. Apart from, there occurs the entire world best crystalline rock and roll settled approximately vitamin early spring. It really is as high as 32.6 yards and it has been indexed in the Guinness Reserve of Planet Data.

Domica cave, which situates in close proximity to Ple ivec - a little town of Slovakia, is probably the greatest found out caverns in Slovakia. It wind 5 kilometers below the ground and stretches into the edge of Hungary, staying an integral part of Hungary Aggtelek Nationwide Recreation area. 35000 yrs ago, there have been men and women resided in Domica cave. It turned out exposed on the general public given that 1932. It had taken condition because of the deterioration of your below ground rive and Domicky. When normal water within the subterranean river is wealthy sufficient, you could have a boat to savor the attractive surroundings of these caverns.

(5) Castles

As reported in history, there were about 300 castles in Slovakia, however there are only 168 castles remaining on this page, amid which 109 castles belong to cultural web-sites within the security the us government. These castles are not only witnesses with the extended historical past, as well as used for numerous valuable cultural routines, for instance social celebration, opposition, martial arts demonstration, fairs, musical concerts and enchanting weddings.

Trencin Castle

Trencin fortress is amongst the biggest fortress organizations in Slovakia which is based in the greatest host to Trencin town along with the full Vah Stream center. It is actually designed according to the primitive castle of Great Moravia. The outer form of Trencin fortress originates from the regional nobility in 13th century. In 1790 Advertising, Trencin city endured a major flame which spread out for the full castle and destroyed the castle. Although the bottom floor was remodeled, the reconstruction from the full castle experienced not started out till the 50s of last century.

Red-colored Gemstone Castle

Green Gemstone castle is considered the most perfectly-maintained castle buildings of Renaissance fashion in Slovakia. Its huge downstairs room plus the architectural fashion are exceptional during the complete European countries. This castle is among the most regularly-traveled to fortress in Slovakia. Additionally, it is acknowledged as the most beautiful castles in Slovakia.

(6) Spring

Slovakia used to be well-known due to the vitamin drinking water and sizzling early spring. Every year, a lot more unfamiliar tourists arrive at Slovakia for spa program in the interests of health and charm.

By Far The Most Historical Spring season Kurhaus

Essentially the most old early spring Kurhaus of Slovakia is situated in Bardejov. The conserved published information show that ahead of time during of 1217, people Bardejov used spring to complete therapies.

The Most Famous Slovakia Early spring Town

Piestany, a health spa holiday resort positioned over the financial institution of Vah River, is considered the most well-known springtime metropolis in Slovakia. It is a position engrossed in major bushes, modest landscapes, straight and vast soft sandy road, and organized superb architectures. The heat of your springtime here is in between 67 qualifications and 69 diplomas. There are about 1500 milligrams of vitamin material, that contain good medical effects.

Tatra Hills State Park your car

Even though Tatra mountain is not well-known on earth, this can be a exceptional scenery in The eu as it consists of a great deal natural charm in the reasonably tiny place. Tatra Hills National Park your car is jointly designed by Slovakia and Poland. Most area of the park your car is around the boundary of Slovakia, whilst the other portion is within just Poland. Enclosed by a lot of foliage, those gorgeous lakes work best locations for fanatics to come to swim in the peaceful nights. The vistas across the ponds simply cannot be called to generally be peerless, but are liked by all those tourists who value all-natural views.

(7) Wooden Properties

Like all the countries around the world in Europe, travellers are able to see several churches in Slovakia. As being the most northern region from the Roman Kingdom plus the middle region of Hungary for many years, individuals early castles in Slovakia express mysterious reports. All those cultural relics which live during the intrusion of Napoleon makes are certainly wonderful. Nevertheless the most impressive stuff listed here are timber church buildings and wood made towns. The wooden town is found in Cicmany, in which most of the properties are constructed of forests. In the wall structure of those homes, there coloured white-colored pics which resemble primitive totems. These architectures appear to be a type of specific herb which expand from the underground and are living harmoniously with the character.

In contrast to neighbours like Hungary, Poland and Czech who want to restore previous times beauty, Slovakia offers me an impact of the position with no religious burden. He or she is carefree and wonderful almost like a standard folks with out energy. But he even now leads a cheerful living. This type of less fantastic life is appreciated by these ambitious people today. He is sort of a charmingly naive mole who may be usually bullied by other creatures. But he in no way feels nervous. He is in order to get rid of these problems by his intelligence and business leads a contented life along with his individual shovel.

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

Life Story Part 94

*Zack is a thing that happened, and I don't want to talk about him anymore even though I suppose it's only chronological and natural that I must. I am not off the hook so easily, there is still more to go. He probably made up about ten percent of my life story in some way so there's that. 

I feel like these last chapters have been about him – as much as they have been about the developments in Sarah and my friendship and in my own emotional evolution. I look over what I have written  on the computer screen, and I see so many Z's that don't deserve my thoughts. He doesn't deserve this kind of recognition from me.

 Unfortunately, it's not quite over – though this is a turning point in the story where I began again to gain some new independence and gracefully begin treading into the post-father, post-Zack years of my life, years that I survived in the end though I had at times never thought I would. These things that happened five to seven years ago started me into the years that are what I feel more defined by directly than by what came before. 

What I have hoped to do (maybe to selfishly vindicate myself, who knows?), was to express that I came into what later happened unknowingly – I didn't want to give away that Zack was a slimeball and i knew all along this would end up happening to me, or that Sarah fucked up my ability to trust people. I wanted people to understand how it naturally unfolded. And there are still pieces I am not giving away – or at least I am not trying to. I could have let on early that Zack wasn't who I thought he was, but if I had done that then there would be a dishonesty in returning to those pre-Zack times and attempting to relive the anticipation with the innocence of my unknowing. Thirteen year old me had no idea what would be happening ten years later. I fell into most of the feelings I have had quite innocently – expecting something otherworldly at most to become me at some point or other. And up till my post-Zack years, I feel like a lot of it wasn't something I could take full responsibility for – I was desperately doing anything I could in the moment to stay afloat to pursue that mysterious tingling feeling in my heart that there were better things ahead if I could just keep sailing.

And I am extreme example of a late bloomer. I feel like I am a tulip in winter. Things people my age were doing at nineteen, I have just gotten around to doing nine years later at the ripe old age of twenty-eight. I'm like an old teenager or something. It's weird. And with that I will begin again to explain the my misadventures and about that blue eyed idiot that I wasted so much time thinking about, and what that all lead to.*

_________________________________________________

Zack had long been written off by his parents. Nobody wanted to give him money anymore long before he came to Sarah and I. He'd exhausted most of his resources. He was more or less ignored by most of his friends anymore – even the ones who had seemed like inseparable body parts to him at one point or another. And then Sarah started dating Zack, and his parents suddenly saw this drug-free, beautiful and thoughtful young girl had taken an interest in their Zack and they suddenly had found more money in their pockets to throw at him. They believed that she was there to fix their disaster of a son for them. She served some kind of purpose – to shape their egomaniacal self destructive son into some mild mannered young Christian man who's number one care was saving up for retirement and making sure he got all the grass even as he mowed the lawn outside the picket fence home where he lived a white middle class existence with his 2.5 children and submissive housewife. Sarah gave credibility to the uncredible. After my father told Zack to scram,  Sarah and Zack stayed at Zack's father's place – and early on they brought me with them.

Zack's father was named Randy. Randy I had known about for years – but never talked to. He had the big nose that both Zack and his sister Whitney inherited. It wasn't an ugly nose – I think society unfairly categorizes big noses into being ugly – when on the contrary they have their own unique elegance that is often overlooked. Randy worked and was a mid-level boss at the TDS phone company. His grandparents had been responsible for bringing telephone to Minnesota – and had made a lot of money off of it. Randy had the remaining money from those times. He squirreled that money away for his retirement. He saved the rest and put it in a retirement account for when Zack and Whitney became of age to inherit it in their late sixties.

Randy had moved the family to Idaho when Zack was twelve, which I was now beginning to wish he hadn't. Both Whitney and Zack rebelled against their middle class upbringing. Either one of them could have gone to college. There was money set aside for that. But they both collectively and individually were not interested in being wealthy. They resented their upbringing, and they both inherited their mother's mental illnesses. This isn't to say that Randy wasn't also responsible for Whitney and Zack's issues. He spoiled Zack, seeing him in that patriarchal father-son kind of way. Whitney to some degree was never really given the kind of care that Zack was given by both his mother and father. Everyone said Zack was a sensitive boy who needed special care.

Cindy was Randy's wife in the beginning, and Whitney and Zack's mother. They divorced when Zack was sixteen. At that time, Zack had been dating Melissa, whom I agonized over back when. Whitney had been dating Melissa's older brother, Josh. It was weird, but I guess it wasn't incestuous exactly – and it wasn't intentional. They just liked one another I suppose. What made it weird was, after Cindy and Randy's divorce, Randy decided to marry Josh and Melissa's mother, Theresa. Zack and Melissa broke up, but Whitney and Josh dated on and off even after their parents married each other. And I suppose I couldn't blame them since they had been dating long before their parents hooked up.

Theresa, was/is a drunk. She had a hard life – but somehow despite all that she retained a lot of youthful attributes. She slept with a lot of people. She fought with her children. And eventually she attempted to commit suicide. It was around the time that Randy was hunting for a new wife. Randy is simple. He had no need for anything more than someone to fill the role. He heard Theresa had attempted to kill herself, he drove up to her trailer, literally walked in and took her with him in his pick up to live with him and get married. And this really probably saved Theresa's life. It wasn't romantic by any means, in fact I think Randy's need to adhere to the social structure of being married for the sake of being married, and capitalizing on some poor drunk woman who's son was dating his daughter, knowing she would be vulnerable enough state of mind to say yes to marriage without question was rather base. Randy didn't seem right to me honestly, but he was so simple and pragmatic in his day to day life, you had to sort of tilt your head to see the discrepancies at times.

As for Cindy, she remarried too. The guy was basically a none moving entity that sat on the couch all day and watched football. Occasionally Cindy would scream and cry at him, but he would just sit there unflinching. The thing about Cindy is that she is very mentally unstable. I talk about a lot of mentally unstable people in my own family and in my own life and to some degree myself as well. But even at it's worst, even with my father for instance, most of the time he is a self aware and resourceful independent person. Most of the brokenness is environmental and societal. Cindy was born broken. She is insecure and needy, she screamed and cried. She went into religious tirades. I believe she would be capable of murder if she were only brave enough to go through with it.

She seems at first like a submissive homemaker. She's a brilliant seamstress, probably the most brilliant seamstress I've ever known. She can make anything. But she's somewhere between a helpless blubbering mess and a vicious religious freak. She can go between sobbing hysterics and insecure feelings of being tread on – to a sudden bloodthirsty obsessive anger. However, she seemed incapable of acting out on that anger directly. I thought my mother was bad until I met Cindy. Her first son was named Jimmy, and Jimmy had been taken away from Cindy due to Cindy being a danger to him. That was years ago, before she had Zack and Whitney. Right before the move to Idaho, Cindy had heard voices telling her she was a prophet of God and she had to leave her family and venture off into the world to proclaim the message of the Lord. She ended up hitchhiking to Las Vegas or something, and from there she was places into an asylum. Randy got her out. He never talked about her mental illness. He seemed to find mentally unwell women, and then proceeded to ignore them and play house with them in a very non personal way, or at least it seemed to me to be impersonal. I wondered if there was some kind of method to his madness.

I remember the first night I was driven up to Cindy's. She lived twenty miles up the grade north of Kendrick in a town equally as small – called Deary. It was the middle of absolute nowhere. It was later evening. She came to the door manically excited. She was drunk. I had a lot of sympathy for her. It looked like she was feeling everything. She was so excited to have Zack over. I could tell that she was really obsessed with Zack. Eventually Sarah and Zack went into another room, and I ended up spending a half hour talking to Cindy. She kept pouring herself more wine. She had been crying all night. Randomly calling people and yelling at them. I could tell everyone ignored her. Her new husband Steve sat stoically on the couch watching reruns of Home Improvement. He never moved or spoke. Cindy would scream at him, and he might as well have been a log. Zack ignored his mother too. I guessed this was what you did with her. She was insatiable. Still, I could only imagine that being Cindy had to be extremely lonely. Nobody wanted to be around her at all.

She took me into the back room of her house. In that room she had drawn pictures of Zack and Whitney as babies. She literally had set up these shrines of both of them as babies. And she talked lovingly about the both of them, but as I came to realize she was more interested in the idea of Zack and Whitney as babies then she was of them as adults. Despite the weird Christian homemaker thing gone wrong, I did have to acknowledge that Cindy had a very creative element to her. She was talented, and crafty. She then got out pictures of Zack and Whitney from twenty years before and though I barely knew her at all, she went through each photo with me one by one in great detail. I went along with it, as Zack and Sarah ate and carried on.

I didn't ever spend too much time around Cindy though. I remember one time I went with Sarah and Zack into Lewiston because Cindy was having an emotional breakdown and wanted to eat ice cream at Dairy Queen and talk about it. I had put in one of my very favorite sixties records 'Odyssey and Oracle' by The Zombies. It's better than the Beatles. I wouldn't say that The Zombies were as a whole better than The Beatles because they only made two albums and only one of them is solid. But for what is there, it is extremely solid. And Zack didn't like it. In fact, I could tell Zack was really annoyed if I ever put in music to listen to. I thought he was pretty basic. I was getting tired of the menfolk getting annoyed at women for picking the car music.

We ended up spending a lot of nights visiting at Randy's house. It was also the first time I really spent time with Whitney and Josh. To back up a little, I met Whitney and Josh briefly one time before. Zack insisted that Whitney meet Sarah. He called her and convinced her to come into Zany's and eat lunch with him and I. It was either right before or right after I told Zack the truth and all that good stuff. At this point of course, I was silently in a state of shock – and attempting to come to terms, but I was going along with it all as though nothing had happened. Whitney and Josh strolled into the restaurant. Whitney, I hadn't seen since high school. She was quiet – humbly dressed, pretty but tired. Her clothes had paint smudges on them from her number one hobby which was painting. She didn't seem very direct. She was friendly for the most part. When her and Zack talked, it reminded me a little bit like when Allison and David talked. Siblings close in age form their own kind of communication that is hard for other people to be fully apart of.

Josh came in with Whitney. They weren't dating anymore – but they always stuck around one another until Whitney got a boyfriend. Then Josh would get upset – and then she would eventually get bored of whoever she was dating and come back to Josh. At best they would date two weeks before she tired of Josh and went looking again. They had decided I guess to stop that six months prior – so maybe the cycle had ended for good this time (they had been living this way, sort of obsessed with one another for seven years), but nobody believed they were done with each other. Though I was private in my personal evaluation, I had never met a more stuffy, conceited little man in my entire life, then Josh Boyer. He looked to be around his late twenties. He was not friendly – he was tense. He didn't look happy with his meal. He seemed overtaken with a weird kind of nervousness, and though he was quiet the entire meeting, I sensed a lot from him. He was pretentious. He thought he was smarter than everyone around him. He seemed personally invested in being unhappy about being in the presence of other people. I wondered why he even bothered to come in at all if this was so painful for him.

It felt really strange because I had MySpace stalked Josh and Whitney for a year or two in my late teens and now we were sitting here eating a meal together. It kind of freaked me out.

The second time I met Josh and Whitney was at Randy's house. I brought Allison with me this time. David didn't want to come. Everyone in the group was an introvert besides Allison – who was younger than us and didn't know what to say to anyone and was mostly happy to be included in this venture regardless of her age. Besides Allison there was Whitney, Josh, Zack, Sarah and myself. Sarah was probably the most ready of anyone to be outgoing – but only insofar as it meant she wasn't going to be too personal. We all sat outside Randy's house in the green perfectly manicured back yard that ran around the house to the front. Zack looked tired. Whitney looked down quite a bit. Josh seemed distracted. I eyeballed everyone curiously in silence. Allison smiled.

There seemed to be some kind of pressure that we all needed to befriend one another. I am not sure why we all felt that way. I guess there were motives. I told Allison six months previous that she should befriend Whitney. It had been part of Operation-get-Zack-to-be-our-friend-again, but she now had it in her mind to befriend Whitney in a real way. Josh, I later learned, was interested in Sarah. Zack wanted us all to become religious and be in some kind of cult – but now that we were all together he had no interest in that ever happening. I didn't actually want to be there at all – I was feeling very lonely and sick inside that day but I fought it off by smiling which felt insane but I couldn't bust out crying in front of people so it was my only recourse. I mean, we were probably the only alternative people in the same age bracket in a sixty mile radius who wasn't going to the University of Idaho.

It was an awkward and deceptively sunny early evening. We all had tickets to see Bright Eyes in three weeks and we made small talk. David had mysteriously opted out of seeing Bright Eyes' final tour, as the project was on hiatus after the last album. We invited Sarah. Sarah bought a ticket for Zack – who I guess was going to be our driver.

Whitney and Josh awkwardly pulled out Apples to Apples. I haven't played it so long I don't remember how it works now. I don't remember who won either. We all said very little as we played the game. Then we decided to go inside and sit around the big dining room table. Randy's kitchen-dining room area was painted red. The floors were classy hardwood. Everything was well put together. Zack was coming down from meth and he went to lay down on the couch and watch television.

Whitney an Josh ended up arguing with one another. It wasn't something I knew anything about, but it made me feel awkward and at first I sat on the couch with Sarah and Zack even though I felt like being away from them desperately. I tried to overhear what was being talked about. What it sounded like was this. Josh was obsessed with Whitney, but Whitney didn't want to date Josh, and Josh didn't want to date Whitney but he was mad that Whitney wanted to date some guy she just met in Moscow, and Whitney in turn was angry if Josh lost interest in her. Josh's mother Theresa had been drinking, and she was getting upset with Whitney and demanding that if she was going to put her poor son through this, if her son had spent the last seven years obsessing over her and groveling and living on her behalf rather than going to get a healthy normal girlfriend and getting a career, then Whitney needed to date Josh. Which Josh seemed to simultaneously approve and disapprove of. Theresa was raising her voice, and from what I could tell, she delighted in the nonsense of it all more than Whitney and Josh combined. She was clearly the most invested. I thought it was strange that Theresa would want Josh and Whitney to date, considering she was Josh's mom and she was married to Whitney's dad. How normal could that be? It seemed really intimate and weird for them to be talking about this in front of everyone. This would never have flown in my family. Someone would have screamed or thrown a chair or punched someone. I liked this managed chaos so much better. It seemed interesting to me that people naturally chose to put their problems with one another at the table and confront them and talk about their disturbed feelings instead of use the might makes right method, which I had generally always rejected and felt repressed by.

I chose to 'use the bathroom' at one point in this open exchange going on in the next room, so I could walk passed and get a better sense of who everyone was. I needed to see their faces. As I walked by, Theresa was looking emotional and frustrated at both Josh and Whitney. Whitney looked slightly vexed. Josh was proclaiming that he was dedicating his life to Whitney even if he meant nothing to her. His eyes were intense and sort of crazy. Eventually the arguments stopped, and everyone in the family went out for a smoke – like it was halftime. Allison and I came into the dining room and nervously sat next to each other. Sarah eventually came in too and Whitney did most of the small talking that kept the conversations going. Josh eventually came in as well. He was silent and was looking around nervously, but as we talked more and more and as Whitney and him sipped on beers, everyone started opening up more. Josh went outside for an hour, and when he came back he was an open book.

He started by introducing himself. He told us he was Josh Boyer. He said he was capable of doing anything in the whole world, if not for his two major flaws. He was a coward and he was lazy. I don't think I had ever met someone who just openly said such things about themselves so nonchalantly and I was entertained immediately by his self deprecating sense of honesty and humor. He came about life in this awkward offbeat kind of way that probably didn't work in most social atmospheres. He had seemed so uptight and stuffy when I first met him. Now he was being recklessly shameless. I was amused but half embarrassed for him, and he knew people felt that way and he didn't seem to care. He told us that he was a connoisseur of the fine arts, and his role in our lives was to make sure that all four of us women's art was out in the world. He claimed he had the power to make this all happen, but he never specified how. I couldn't tell if he was joking or not. He always seemed to be simultaneously telling some level 100 nihilist joke that only you and he could understand – often using himself as the main character of that joke, or if his ego really did tell him that he was some kind of upscale eccentric socialite gentleman, a long lost remnant of a bygone era.

What I liked about Josh was that he seemed able to slip into any conversation without any of the awkward judgment one would naturally expect. You could be talking about cannibalism or old people sex or anything that made people feel uncomfortable and he seemed to have a clever opinion on the matter. He didn't ignore anyone either. He looked at everyone in the room equally when he talked. It gave me this strange refreshing sense that I too was part of the conversation. For my entire life, I had always been the baby in my friendships. Often my friends talked about their dirty secrets away from me. There was this general assumption that I wasn't an equal. And I had internalized that in many respects. I learned to read between the lines in conversation and to be a good listener. But Josh gave each person at the table careful consideration when speaking. I was so used to people only looking at only Sarah. It might have been something of my own doing I will admit. I have never exactly been the queen of eye contact and I usually expected Sarah to be the main reason people were talking around me at all. Plus, Sarah generally seems the most classically interest in any given subject another person is talking about. I generally just listened.

Because Josh didn't treat me like Sarah's chambermaid, I eventually felt confident enough to comment on whatever it was he was talking about. I rarely felt comfortable doing any talking at all, but somehow Josh didn't make me feel weird about it. It wasn't that he was super accommodating or comforting. He wasn't that way at all. He just seemed to acknowledge the bleak emptiness and awkwardness of everything in life, his life, our lives and our fucked up imperfect world in general in a way that most people seemed afraid to acknowledge, especially on first meeting. Josh was talking about how anime was made in slave like conditions at some point, and I commented that most pieces of work were built on the backs of slaves and/or suffering in general and then we talked about the pros and cons of such a system. He also didn't flinch when I disagreed with him. He seemed intrigued and interested, and he wasn't afraid to dig into whatever I had decied to talk about. Secretly I have always been opinionated. I just stay quiet most of the time because when I talk it seems like I make people uncomfortable. I knew I could talk one on one with Sarah without her being weirded out, but mostly I just got this sense that I should keep my mouth shut for the most part. Be an observer of events and not be a part of the events themselves. Perhaps I don't have a clear understanding of where boundaries are laid down. I don't know what's socially acceptable to talk about.

Josh didn't seem to either though, so we ended up having a lengthy meandering conversation that didn't feel weird or forced. This was new to me. And he didn't get mad when I disagreed. That was something I was especially unused to. It goes without saying that disagreeing with any one of my family members in a serious way and they would get offended and would react angrily. Josh didn't get offended. He seemed to have different trains of thought that all seemed to be systematically comprehending the situation he was in at different ways, all working simultaneously. And he was hilarious and it was disarming. He still seemed pretty pretentious to me, but he seemed a lot different then when I had first met him. It almost felt like I had met two different Josh's.

Zack came in eventually from his nap. He sat besides Sarah, and Theresa looked at them both and started asking questions. Everyone was marveling at Zack's lucky break. Not being able to understand why a girl like Sarah would be with someone like Zack, they assumed Sarah must be some magical being here to rescue Zack. I think a part of Sarah's mind thought she might have been as well. They asked Sarah if she was dating Zack. At first she was reluctant, but then as she was quizzed further she just said she was. Zack was suddenly jovial, stating this was the first moment she had openly called their relationship what it was. He seemed really proud of himself.

Later that night, we were going home. I said goodnight to Josh and Whitney. I felt like I had a better sense of who they were as people. We got in the car with Zack and Sarah in the front. As we made our way back to where Zack and Sarah were staying, I couldn't help but notice there something felt really ugly in the car. It wasn't coming from me. I just felt this really ugly vibe in the back of the car that night. It was Zack. I didn't really get it at first. It almost felt like he was angry – or like he wanted to hurt someone. Where was this even coming from? Sarah had just openly confessed they were official to his family. Should be not be happy? Sarah had put in a Mark Lanegan album, and Methamphetamine Blues was playing very loudly. The speakers shook in the back seat of Zack's car. Zack was driving very poorly. It was dark and he was speeding down all these winding farm roads and there was mist everywhere. I felt carsick. At times I could tell that we were going dangerously around corners. Sarah looked back at me, and I could see the denial and confusion on her face. In some strange way, I pitied her. There was some underlying sense that she was trapped with Zack, that she was going to be the one that curbed the tides of Zack, or die trying. I was miserable, but at least I was free from whatever this dark ugly feeling I was getting that was coming from Zack. This was something Sarah was going to have to let into her soul if she wanted to be close with Zack.

We didn't crash that night. We made it to the bedroom. I briefly went in and talked to them in their room. Then Zack kind of grabbed Sarah and started tickling her. I felt weird about it. It felt like a power move. Sarah hated being tickled. Her cousins used to hold her down and tickle her as a child and it left her with this really negative association, plus it just kind of hurts some people, myself included. There was something really ugly that I didn't like the look of on Zack's face. Some kind of nonconsensual sense of power he now felt over Sarah was at play. Never had his face looked so hideous to me. Since she had admitted that they were now officially girlfriend and boyfriend, the gloves were off I guess. And Sarah didn't like the way it felt. She wouldn't admit it to me or to anyone. She wasn't admitting it to herself. But she hated this and it was too late for her to take it all back. I wanted to help her, and my first reaction was to tell Zack to knock if off. But the roles weren't clear, and it soon seemed strange that I had involved myself considering Sarah wasn't putting up for herself. I was forced to leave the room eventually.

I ended up getting my first job. Sarah and Zack had gone into Burger King to eat a crappy hamburger, and I had come with. Sarah insisted that I ask for a job. I didn't want to work at Burger King. This Burger King in particular had always seemed very unclassy. It was dirty and the workers didn't seem all there. But a job was a job at this point. I was close to perhaps getting a job at Zany's as the dishwasher still, but there were no guarantees, and I couldn't wait forever. So I humbled myself and agreed to go to the front and ask for an application. The manager walked out after my awkward inquiry, and he wanted to have an interview right then and there. I was very nervous, and in the end I know I did horribly. The manager looked rigid, angry, and like a man who was slowly dying of some horrible disease. He accepted me against his better judgment and he openly stated as much. He admitted he was just desperate, and I though he was not impressed with me in any way, he had no better options at the moment. I had to be there the next day for training. I had somehow been given a job.

So, I came in the next day, and they demanded I wear this hideous polo shirt and that I had to tuck it in my pants and a visor. I put them on in the bathroom, and marveled how fat it made me appear. I left the bathroom nervously. I was lead into the back kitchen area where the sandwiches were assembled. I had never been in the back of a restaurant before. It had all seemed like one big mystery. There seemed to be a lot going on, and I was dazed by it. Strangely, nobody came up to me and offered to give me a task. I nervously asked someone what I should do, and they shrugged and walked away. I was extremely nervous. I felt like I was doing something wrong. Was I supposed to train myself? How did this all work? I tried to ask a few people. The best answer I got was from a young girl who kind of told me in this vague way to ask someone who I later learned hadn't shown up that day what I should do. Most of them wouldn't even answer me. They would look at me, and then to one another and they would roll their eyes knowingly.

About a half hour later of standing there feeling criminally guilty for having done nothing and not understanding what to do upon my own initiative, I was lead to the back area where they wanted me to toast bread. They showed me this food machine that I put buns into. I was told to just do this. So I sat there for an hour grabbing bags of hamburger buns off of big industrial plastic shelf. Eventually I was told I had done it wrong. I had been toasting the wrong side. I had wasted probably ten bags of buns. They took the buns and they threw them away. I felt horrible. For one, how could anyone waste food like this?? They might not be properly toasted, but it was still perfectly good bread. Someone in the world I am sure would love to have those buns. For two, I felt like I had just destroyed property. I had just wasted company assets. I was surprised when the girl came up to me, shrugged and simply told me to stop. I felt like I deserved to be arrested for the mistake I had continued on making for so long that rendered the buns unusable.

After four hours of either standing there, or toasting bread till they told me to stop, I just had this internal knowing that this wasn't going to work out. I was not made for this kind of existence. It all seemed so mind numbing. I actively detested the philosophy of this place. A person didn't show up for their shift while I was there – and nobody even seemed surprised. The turn out was constant. The manager walked around looking sick and angry and eventually told me to leave. I was offered a free hamburger, but I refused. The smell of the meat made me feel sick. There was something hollow about this place, and places like it. The monotonous tasks almost felt designed to burn the individuality right out of you. The workers seemed dead inside – and seemed obsessed with the ten minutes every four hours allotted to them so they could smoke and look bleakly out at the Lewiston hills till they came back in and did it again. And day after day they would do this until they walked out. And once they walked out they would go find another job that was like this. There seemed to be something horrible and draining about it. As a child I had harbored some fantasies about Burger King. I had always loved wearing the paper crowns. Now I just felt grossed out. I had seen the other end of a place like this. I felt like I had confronted death.  I was told to come in the next day. I knew I would never be walking back into that building again – for food or otherwise. I didn't even feel badly about this decision for Sarah's sake or my own even. I knew I would have to surrender to the monotony of the lower working class, but not like this. Not Burger King. There had to be a trace of human dignity to me. I didn't go back and collect my paycheck. I put my uniform in a bag and left it on the front door late one night hoping the employees would find it.

PART 93 - https://tinyurl.com/yc8mae7e

PART 92 - https://tinyurl.com/yb7bwsuw

PART 91 - https://tinyurl.com/yar8e8rp

My Life Story in Chapters, PARTS 1-90 (this link below will lead you to a list of all the chapters i have written thus far). 

http://aleatoryalarmalligator.tumblr.com/post/168782771574/life-story-sections-1-90

[ezatluba]

DOG FIGHT

Rescuer Theresa Strader says she’s seen a change at the breeder auctions, with more rescuers attending and some paying high prices for dogs—a practice she questions.

Dog rescuers, flush with donations, buy animals from the breeders they scorn

By Kim Kavin 

April 18, 2018

An effort that animal rescuers began more than a decade ago to buy dogs for $5 or $10 apiece from commercial breeders has become a nationwide shadow market that today sees some rescuers, fueled by Internet fundraising, paying breeders $5,000 or more for a single dog.

The result is a river of rescue donations flowing from avowed dog saviors to the breeders, two groups that have long disparaged each other. The rescuers call many breeders heartless operators of inhumane “puppy mills” and work to ban the sale of their dogs in brick-and-mortar pet stores. The breeders call “retail rescuers” hypocritical dilettantes who hide behind nonprofit status while doing business as unregulated, online pet stores.

But for years, they have come together at dog auctions where no cameras are allowed, with rescuers enriching breeders and some breeders saying more puppies are being bred for sale to the rescuers.

Bidders affiliated with 86 rescue and advocacy groups and shelters throughout the United States and Canada have spent $2.68 million buying 5,761 dogs and puppies from breeders since 2009 at the nation’s two government-regulated dog auctions, both in Missouri, according to invoices, checks and other documents The Washington Post obtained from an industry insider. At the auctions, rescuers have purchased dogs from some of the same breeders who face activist protests, including some on the Humane Society of the United States’ “Horrible Hundred” list or the “No Pet Store Puppies” database of breeders to avoid, maintained by the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

After the investigation: USDA says individuals and groups may need license if buying dogs for rescue at auction

Most rescuers then offered the dogs for adoption as “rescued” or “saved.”

Most of the breeders who sell dogs at auction are commercial, which means they have at least four breeding females, sell to intermediaries and are federally regulated. Years ago, when more commercial breeders existed, rescuers attended auctions to buy surplus dogs that seemed to be everywhere, longtime auction participants say. But the success of the rescue movement in reducing shelter populations, some rescuers say, has been driving rescuers to the auction market. As the number of commercial kennels has decreased, so has the number of shelter animals killed in the United States: A February 2017 estimate put the total for dogs alone at 780,000, a steep drop from estimates for all shelter animals that were as high as 20 million in the 1970s.

The smaller populations of shelter dogs make it harder for some rescue groups, especially those dedicated to specialty breeds, to find what adopters want. One golden retriever rescue group turned to the auctions after seeing 40 percent fewer dogs coming in as of 2016. At the auctions, such rescuers describe buying purebreds and popular crossbreeds like goldendoodles and maltipoos as “puppy mill rescue.”

Golden retriever puppies, center, at Sugarfork Kennels in Goodman, Mo., on March 7.

“We have breeders that breed for the auction,” says Will Yoder, a commercial breeder of Cavalier King Charles spaniels in Bloomfield, Iowa. “It’s a huge, huge underground market. It’s happening at an alarming rate.”

Many people are unaware of the practice. About 50 of the 86 groups that The Post linked to auction bidders made no mention of auctions on their Web pages, 20 described what they were doing as “puppy mill rescue” or “auction rescue,” and 10 mentioned words such as “bought” or “purchased” at auction but did not say online how much they paid per dog.

Leading nonprofit animal-welfare groups, including the ASPCA, HSUS and the American Kennel Club purebred advocacy group, say rescuers are misguided in buying dogs at auction because the money they pay only encourages more breeding on a commercial scale.

Abigail Anderson, who owns Sugarfork, checks on huskies.

“Although they may be doing good things for individual dogs purchased at auctions, it perpetuates the problem and tends to create a seller’s market,” says Brandi Hunter, the AKC’s spokeswoman.

Rescuers at the auctions say their purchases save individual dogs and weaken the commercial breeding chain by removing, spaying and neutering dogs that would otherwise be bred again and again. They say donors ranging from average dog lovers to show-dog breeders understand, and financially support, their efforts.

“It’s a very controversial thing, for rescuers to buy dogs at auction,” says Jeanette DeMars, founder of Corgi Connection of Kansas, who discloses to donors that she buys auction dogs. “Some are of the opinion that you’re putting money in the breeders’ pockets. Others say you’re saving the dogs from a life of breeding. My opinion is that if people are willing to donate and it doesn’t take money out of my regular rescue, I will do it.”

“There are very good, responsible rescues that just love the dogs … and I think there are malicious, lying, cheating rescues that are in it for the money.”

Bob Hughes, owner of Southwest Auction Service, the biggest commercial dog auction in the country

JoAnn Dimon, director of Big East Akita Rescue in New Jersey, says that buying breeding-age dogs not only cuts into overbreeding but also makes it harder for commercial breeders to profit in the long run.

“That breeder is going to make thousands of dollars off that [female dog] if he breeds her every cycle,” Dimon said. “I just bought her for $150. I just took money out of his pocket. I got the dog, and I stopped the cycle.”

The majority of the $2.68 million The Post documented was spent since 2013 at Southwest Auction Service, the biggest commercial dog auction in the country, with some additional spending at its smaller, only remaining competitor, Heartland Sales. Southwest originated in Wheaton, Mo., in 1988, and Heartland was founded in Cabool, Mo., in 2003, as a marketplace for breeders. As the last remaining government-licensed auctions, they let buyers and sellers see hundreds of dogs at a time and are a legal part of the country’s puppy supply chain. They are regulated by the U.S. and Missouri Departments of Agriculture and open to the public.

RESCUERS BUY DOGS FROM BREEDERS AT AUCTIONS

Documents obtained by an industry source reveal a shadow market:

The dog rescuers put the puppies up for adoption as rescue dogs.

Commercial breeders produce specialty puppy breeds.

The breeders sell their puppies at auctions, often to rescue groups.

The customer may not know the dog was bought at an auction.

“I’m not going to lie about this: Rescue generates about one-third, maybe even 40 percent of our income,” says Bob Hughes, Southwest’s owner. “It’s been big for 10 years.”

Hughes said his auction is open to everyone but people with cameras because “our customers don’t want to be on animal-activist websites being called ‘puppy mills.’ ”

Hank Grosenbacher, owner of Heartland, says rescuers usually account for 15 to 25 percent of his business. He says he gets fewer rescuers than Southwest because he often bans from his auction rescuers who publicly call breeders “puppy mills.”

“At our auction, I think 75 percent of the people who sell dogs, and the rescues who come to our sale, will do things the right way,” he said. “The particular rescuers who come to our sale, they’re a blessing. For the most part, they buy dogs that breeders don’t want, and they’re not paying a lot of money.”

Jolene Roper takes two German shepherds for a walk at National Mill Dog Rescue in Peyton, Colo., on March 9.

Hughes says he sees those types of rescuers at Southwest, too, but also those who use auction purchases to rake in huge online donations.

“I honestly think there are very good, responsible rescues that just love the dogs and want to get them out of the breeding industry,” Hughes says. “And I think there are malicious, lying, cheating rescues that are in it for the money and the glory and the funding.”

In early February, Grosenbacher’s auction brought in $132,000, while Hughes notched his biggest sales revenue ever, taking in more than $600,000. One rescuer, Jessica Land, who helps operate Dog Ranch Rescue and Lone Star Dog Ranch in Texas, paid $8,750 for a pregnant French bulldog at Southwest, an invoice shows. Land declined to comment for this article.

“The French bulldog that Lone Star paid $8,750 to buy in February was pregnant with five fetuses,” Hughes said. “An ultrasound showed it. Now, if there’s five fetuses worth $2,000 a puppy, that’s $10,000 in puppies and the mama’s a young female, so a breeder would say, ‘I got all my money back in one litter and own the dog for free and she’ll produce for another five years.’ ”

After this article was published, Lone Star posted on Facebook that it adopted out the five puppies for $1,850 apiece, and the adult dog for $1,350, a total income of $10,600. The group wrote that after paying medical expenses it would lose $2,421 on the deal—including possible refunds of as much as $750 should all the adopters, in the future, choose to spay or neuter the puppies.

“For rescues like ourselves who take care of all the vetting the dog needs no matter the cost…THERE IS NO PROFIT,” the group wrote in its post. “You see we actually take care of every medical need that these dogs have that have never been addressed.”

Two female huskies at Sugarfork.

‘I’d never sold a dog for $10,000’

The Southwest auction may be the country’s largest, but finding it requires knowing that it’s there. It is held behind a gate and down a dirt driveway, in a barn on private property. It is in a part of Missouri so rural that the 2010 Census showed the nearest town — Wheaton — had only 696 residents.

Prospective buyers park in a dirt lot, then go inside to register for bidding cards. They sit in bleachers that surround a table down in front, where dogs and puppies are brought out from a room in the back. Sometimes, the auctioneer puts one dog up for bid, and other times, a whole litter of puppies will be on the table. Some of them play while the people all around put a price on them, and children in the bleachers — whose parents are bidding — eat snacks and watch.

At any given auction, as many as several hundred dogs and puppies might be sold, with bidding starting in the morning and running until dinnertime, even past sundown. At most auctions, various breeders typically offer anywhere from a handful to two dozen dogs, so the mix available for bid can run the alphabet from Akitas and Australian shepherds to wire fox and Yorkshire terriers.

HIGHEST PRICES PAID PER BREED BY RESCUERS AT DOG AUCTIONS

Invoices from Southwest Auction in Missouri, received from an industry source, show people affiliated with dog rescue organizations paying high prices to buy some of the most popular U.S. purebreds in a practice they refer to as “puppy mill rescue.”

* Will Yoder, a commercial breeder, bought two Cavaliers at Southwest Auction for $7,550, but sold them an hour later in a post-auction deal when a rescuer offered $10,000 per dog.

The auction at Southwest on Nov. 22, 2014, was different — and showed that a breed-specific rescuer, flush with donated cash, will pay five figures for a single dog.

An Alabama breeder of Cavalier King Charles spaniels was going out of business, so the sale would have more than 130 Cavaliers. There was serious money in play that day from Cavalier rescuers. One rescuer’s GoFundMe.com campaign had netted $188,815, and another’s YouCaring.com fundraiser brought in $157,955. “Don’t Let These Sweet Cavaliers go to a Disreputable Home,” a rescuer wrote on the YouCaring.com site, warning donors of the “many other less than reputable breeders at this auction.”

For the first few hours that day in Missouri, rescuers won every bid. Then Will Yoder, the Cavalier breeder from Iowa, broke through. He says he does not support or usually attend auctions, so he can still remember the moment that he won two Cavaliers, for $3,600 and $3,950.

“There was just dead silence,” Yoder says. “This was, like, the first dog that went to a breeder that day. The pressure was on. The first dog just went to a horrible puppy mill. That’s what they’re thinking.”

As he waited to pay at the checkout counter, Yoder says, a rescuer approached and blurted, “So, how much profit?”

“It was like, they hate me, and they assume I hate them, and she just walked up and looked at me,” he says. “I knew what she meant: What do you want for your dogs? I looked at her and said, ‘I’m sorry, but they’re not for sale.’ ”

Yoder left with his two Cavaliers, but online pleas had already gone out to raise more money to buy his dogs in a post-auction deal. A forum run by Cavaliers Co UK, in Britain, listed the email address of Alabama-based rescuer Angie Ingram and said she was a person collecting PayPal donations.

Comments on the forum emphasized the urgency: “Money is still being donated, hopefully an agreed fee for the dogs can be met with the money that is still coming in!!”

Cavaliers Co UK and Ingram did not respond to requests for comment.

“I didn’t think they would actually pay it. But it’s not their money, so money wasn’t an issue. I’d never sold a dog for $10,000, so I just thought, ‘Let’s see.’”

Will Yoder, a commercial breeder, bought two Cavaliers at Southwest Auction. He sold them in a post-auction deal.

Yoder says he was oblivious to the crush of fundraising. He was heading home to Iowa, sitting in the passenger seat with his Cavaliers in the back, when he reconsidered.

“I told the driver, ‘They really wanted those dogs,’ ” Yoder says. “We were just talking, and I said, ‘Money is obviously not an issue for them.’ ”

Yoder called the auction owner by cellphone and said he’d take $10,000 per Cavalier if the rescuer still wanted them.

“I was just curious,” Yoder says. “I didn’t think they would actually pay it. But it’s not their money, so money wasn’t an issue. I’d never sold a dog for $10,000, so I just thought, ‘Let’s see.’ ”

Within minutes, the auction owner and Yoder say, the deal was done: Documents show that Ingram paid $24,200 to buy the two Cavaliers for which Yoder had paid $8,305, with all the totals including the auction’s fees; the check was one of four that Ingram wrote that day, totaling $218,325 for 54 dogs, according to documents submitted by lawyers for Ingram and others in an Alabama libel lawsuit filed in the wake of the auction.

Southwest Auction’s owner says the dog sale held in early February was his biggest ever, generating more than $600,000. Dogs up for bid that day included a pregnant French Bulldog that, according to this invoice, a rescuer paid $8,750 to buy.

See more documents involved in reporting this story.

Ingram and six others sued several other rescuers alleging that they libeled the plaintiffs by publishing statements on a Facebook page called Beware Cavalier Rescue of Alabama, accusing them of using donated money to buy dogs for themselves and duping donors about rescuing Cavaliers.

“The Beware page and the information posted by others lacked any factual support and the unconscionable allegations contained therein were and are false, defamatory and libelous,” the plaintiffs complaint states.

Documents show that bidders now affiliated with the nonprofit Cavalier Rescue of Alabama, where Ingram is listed as animal welfare program director, have paid $406,872 buying 172 dogs and puppies at auction since 2014 — an average price of $2,365 per dog. Last year, more than half the dogs the nonprofit group says it saved were bought at auction, according to a link the group posted on Facebook showing that it has placed dogs in homes in 14 states.

Following this article’s publication, the group posted on Facebook that it pays an average price of $1,600 per dog at auction.

“We have NEVER profited off an auction dog,” the group stated in its post. “We are in the hole with EVERY single dog that we rescue from auction. We know this going into it and it is never about the money, it is only about saving lives.”

As for the two Cavaliers bought for $24,200, Ingram adopted one, and another rescuer adopted the other, both animals becoming personal pets, court documents show. Ingram and the other adopter each paid a $300 fee.

Lisa Thompson, co-founder of Cavalier Rescue of Alabama, said that on the advice of legal counsel, no one from her group would respond to The Post’s questions.

Yoder was thrilled to talk. He said he could not believe so much money was raised so quickly, or that he ended up with so much of it, given to him by people who say they despise commercial breeders.

“I was just like,” he pauses, chuckling, “this is crazy.”

One of Sugarfork’s female huskies. French bulldogs after mating at Sugarfork.

An elusive marketplace

Rescue groups generally are organized as nonprofit charities and raise money through fundraisers, adoption fees, grants and bequests. Shelters and rescue groups connected to the auction bidders have annual revenue that runs from $12,000 to $1.5 million, and they charge adoption fees that range from $50 to $1,850 per dog. The individuals who run these organizations receive salaries as high as $78,000, but many receive no compensation, according to tax forms.

The rescue movement used to include only shelters, but today it has an expansive network of home-based nonprofits, too. The noticeable increase in the number of such rescuers at the Missouri auctions began around 2005, about the same time that the nation’s rescue movement began to evolve. That is also about the time that self-described “puppy mill rescue” began to move into the mainstream.

Social media is boosting the “puppy mill rescue” movement today, with some rescuers seeking donations specifically to buy auction dogs. Amanda Giese, founder of Panda Paws Rescue in Washougal, Wash., posted several Facebook videos after spending $18,140 buying 32 dogs at the Southwest auction on Feb. 18, 2017, an invoice shows. Giese tells viewers, sometimes through tears, that she bought the dogs to save them from lives of sickness and torment in facilities with 400, 500 or 600 dogs that live in “rabbit hutches.” She is shown with Siberian husky puppies that she purchased, asking as she unloads them from the back of a van, “Do you want to touch green grass for the first time?”

Two of the Husky puppies that Giese bought, documents show, came from Sugarfork Kennels in Goodman, Mo., which has sold puppies to pet stores and directly to consumers since 1999, and which invites buyers to visit the kennel. At least one of Sugarfork’s grassy, sun-drenched enclosures, where big dogs such as Huskies run and play, is the size of a ballfield.

1:40A look inside one dog breeder’s business in the Ozarks

Giese, reached by telephone, said she could not respond to The Post’s questions.

Rescuers who have been buying auction dogs for many years say it is unfair to characterize all commercial breeders as “puppy mills.” They say they consider some of the breeders at the auctions to be their friends who, for various reasons, have dogs or puppies they cannot sell in other ways, leaving them for rescuers to acquire.

“I think that as long as there are people raising dogs, there’s always going to be the adult dog that got too old,” said Jane Rosenthal of Storm Lake, Iowa, a former breeder and longtime auction buyer for numerous rescue groups. “There’s going to be the puppy with an overbite or its eye got hurt — the unsellable puppies. To me, that’s really what I always did for the most part, was pick up the crumbs at the bottom, those that nobody wanted.”

Rosenthal is a buyer who shows the nationwide reach that even a single rescue bidder can have from inside the auctions, making it all but impossible for consumers or regulators to determine a dog’s provenance. She has spent at least $150,972 buying 434 dogs at Southwest since 2014, an average price per dog of $347; and $103,304 buying 619 dogs at Heartland since 2009, at an average price of $166, documents show. She has bought corgis, Akitas, Cavaliers and many more breeds for rescue groups from California to Minnesota to New Jersey, records and interviews show.

“She has this great big van and gets dogs for all the rescues,” says Faith Humpal, president of Paws to Love K9 Rescue in South Dakota, who has attended auctions for about 15 years. “A lot of the rescues say, ‘We don’t buy dogs’ or ‘We don’t do this,’ but, yeah, they do.’ ”

Rosenthal said she is a volunteer bidder who does not consider her actions to be the same as buying dogs. She said she bids at the auctions for other rescuers who reimburse her. She said she cringes at the high prices some rescuers pay before showing off their auction-bought dogs online with descriptions such as “puppy mill rescue,” using the dogs “as poster children” to generate more donations from the public.

“You didn’t save that dog,” she said. “You paid $3,000 for it. You bought it, and you’re going to sell it. I don’t want any part of that.”

Helen Slate grooms a 4-year-old poodle at National Mill. Sonja Row cradles an 11-year-old male Maltese that has been at National Mill for just a few days. The National Mill rescue facility.

Theresa Strader agrees. She is founder of National Mill Dog Rescue in Colorado, a leading “anti-puppy mill” nonprofit organization with a website that states, “We do not pay the mills to rescue their dogs.” Invoices show that Strader paid breeders nearly $44,703 for 193 dogs at 11 auctions from 2014 to 2016; prices ranged from $1 (for a Chihuahua) to $1,325 (for a golden retriever), for an average price of $231 per dog.

“At least half of that money was groups that asked me to get dogs for them,” Strader said. Rescuers told The Post it is a common practice for rescuers to buy dogs for others. Strader used to get “penny dogs” with her personal money at Southwest before about 2013, she said, and today is disgusted by the large amounts she sees some rescuers spending.

“It became all the rage for rescuers to show up,” Strader said. “They’re creating an industry inside the industry. It’s really, really wrong.”

Strader is among those who say buying dogs for high prices at auction is not a form of rescue at all: “People who call this puppy mill rescue? That’s not honest. It’s just not.”

“The rescuers come in here with more money than the breeders.”

Hank Grosenbacher, owner of Heartland Sales

The owners of Southwest Auction Service and Heartland Sales say the auction business is well-regulated and humane. Read more of what dog auctioneers said here.

Most breeders used to reserve all of their puppies and younger dogs for pet-store brokers and consumers. Now, at least some are taking them to auctions to sell to rescuers, Grosenbacher and some rescuers say.

“Originally, rescues attended auctions to get the old and the sick dogs, and we paid very little for them,” says Penny Reames, a Kansas rescuer who has attended the auctions for a decade, transferring the dogs to Northern New England Westie Rescue in New Hampshire, which adopts them out for as much as $1,000 apiece. “We don’t see those dogs so much anymore. Now it is primarily puppies who did not get bought by the brokers for one reason or another.”

At Heartland, owner Grosenbacher said, rescuers bid against each other for designer crossbred puppies such as morkies and puggles, and breeders consider the rescuers to be a reliable market for those pups because adopters clamor for them, making them a “cash cow” in the rescue community.

Kennel technician Tara York spends time with a golden retriever and her litter at Sugarfork.

“That’s the one thing that rescues will get in competition over,” he says. “They’ll stand right there and look each other in the eye and outbid each other. By and large, it’s the rescuers knocking each other out.”

Numerous rescuers told The Post that before every auction, in a secret Facebook group and in person, rescuers meet to decide who will bid on which dogs, so they do not bid against one another. But Dimon, the Akita rescuer, says the longtimers do not always recognize the newcomers — who, upon seeing auctions for the first time, are so eager to “save” every dog that they will pay just about anything. Numerous longtime rescue bidders say breeders are lying in wait for those novices, to bid them up and take every dollar of donated money they have.

Melissa McClellan of New York City-based Posh Pets Rescue, said she attended her first auction at Southwest in January and paid $1,700 for a male Maltese. The seller had listed the 11-year-old dog as “well proven, still using,” and McLellan kept raising the bid because she thought she was competing with a breeder for the dog.

What McLellan did not know was that her bidding blew right past that of at least one longtime rescuer, Laverne Clark of Powersite, Mo., who was there for the same dog.

“I could’ve gotten that dog for $100,” Clark says. “They paid $1,700.”

A husky checks on her puppies at Sugarfork.

Bans on puppies for retail sale

As of January, the Humane Society of the United States said, 250 municipalities had enacted retail pet-sale bans, which are often called “puppy mill bans” in the news media. The laws require pet stores to obtain puppies only from shelters and nonprofit organizations. Activists and lawmakers tell the public that the laws help homeless dogs and choke off income to the kinds of breeders who sell dogs and puppies at auctions.

Los Angeles enacted a ban in 2012, and California followed in October by enacting the first statewide version in the United States. Activists say it is a model for the rest of the nation to follow. Similar statewide bans have since been introduced in nine states.

But despite the efforts, commercially bred dogs have continued going to consumers in places with the municipal bans, including Los Angeles, by way of nonprofit groups and the auctions. The Post identified four California-based rescue groups tied to auction purchases, and two more that operate in the state.

An invoice shows that on April 8, 2017, Kristin Cramer — founder of the nonprofit For Pete Sake Foundation in Sherman Oaks, Calif. — placed a successful phone bid with Southwest for nearly $17,200 to buy a dozen English and French bulldogs. Within a week, a fundraising drive featuring Cramer’s dogs appeared on the Facebook page of Los Angeles-based Road Dogs & Rescue, telling donors: “The goal was to pay as little as possible so as not to line their pockets, but to save some lives and have these dogs put real faces to the horrible industry.”

The fundraising announcement did not reveal the per-dog price, which an invoice shows ranged from $675 to $2,500.

One auction seller who got some of that rescue cash was Gary Phillips of Adair, Okla., a district president with Northeast Oklahoma Pet Professionals. He is on the ASPCA’s “No Pet Store Puppies” warning website.

Phillips said Cramer paid him more than he could have made selling the same dog through a pet store. Documents show that she paid $1,750 for his 19-month-old English bulldog, which was too old for pet-store consumers and had allergies that diminished her breeding prospects.

Cramer said her single venture into buying at auction would be her last. The founder of Road Dogs & Rescue, while happy with the outcome for the dogs, called the experience “a painful lesson,” adding, “It’s too easy for rescues to be ruled by wanting to save a life at any cost.”

Phillips said that he was surprised and pleased with the price the rescuer paid, and that at least one colleague had taken note — not of the laws being enacted to try to shut down commercial breeders, but instead of where their new cash flow was emerging.

Sydney Noah, a breeder at Sugarfork, holds days-old Shih Tzu puppies. Notes with expressions of love and protest adorn a wall at National Mill. Sugarfork owner Abigail Anderson inside one of the kennel buildings.

“A breeder friend of mine said she’s thinking about saving her puppies until they get about a year old and take them to the auction,” Phillips said. “The rescue people will pay more than the pet-store brokers.”

Nationwide advocacy groups that support the pet-store bans include Bailing Out Benji, an Iowa-based nonprofit that promotes pet-store protests. Its website home page urges readers to watch a 2015 documentary that “educates about the puppy mill industry and the money that keeps it thriving.”

Terra Henggeler is the Nebraska team leader and a volunteer for Bailing Out Benji, according to recent news reports. A 2017 story quoted her at a pet-store protest in Omaha telling the media that she and other rescuers had to “fight for those dogs” inside because the shop bought puppies from “less than desirable breeders.”

Less than a month before and again after that protest, documents show, Henggeler bought dogs at Southwest, paying as much as $1,500 per dog; they were among 24 dogs that she has spent $24,255 to purchase at auction since 2016, some as young as 5 months old.

Henggeler and Bailing Out Benji did not respond to requests for comment.

Bailing Out Benji issued a statement following this article’s publication that its connection to auctions is “nonexistent” and that its volunteer “went on behalf of other rescues in the Midwest to purchase retired breeding dogs at auction.” The group also said in an email to The Post that buying dogs at auction “goes against how we operate at Bailing Out Benji.” Henggeler is also a member of the Board of Directors for Pug Partners of Nebraska, which did not respond to The Post’s requests for comment.

Bob Hughes, Southwest’s owner, says that what goes on at the auctions shows that nobody has the moral high ground in America’s puppy wars.

“In their minds, the rescuers think they’re better,” he says. “The industry is all alike. We’re all supplying puppies and dogs to the general public in some form or fashion.”

A poodle seeking a view leaps inside its enclosure at Sugarfork.

About this story

This investigation is based on hundreds of documents provided by an industry insider and additional open-records documents from numerous states, and more than 60 in-person, phone and email interviews with rescuers, breeders, animal advocates and auctioneers. It is the first time that anyone has ever documented—in dollars and cents—the multimillion-dollar river of cash that is flowing from rescue nonprofits, shelters and dog-advocacy groups through auctions into the pockets of dog breeders.

Kim Kavin is a member of The Washington Post Freelance Network. She is also the author of “The Dog Merchants: Inside the Big Business of Breeders, Pet Stores and Rescuers” (Pegasus Books, 2016), a book of investigative journalism.