#also the tumor thing is real and I have one

[angelpointe]

Did I ever show you guys my Sansona ,, kind of ??

I forget that I ever have one of these , I don’t ever use him - I tried to put him in an au once and it didn’t work out

⚠️ WARNING . Blood and . Hemangiomas ? Blood tumors . There’s an evil blood tumor under the cut !! You’ve been warned !!

[medium5]

mytotally real brain tumor which is real is back every1

[cheemscakecat]

Fun/Interesting details in Expiration Date

Heavy knows that Pauling is calling them, and lets Scout be the one to answer. Also, road safety because he’s not distracted driving.

Medic is so hyped about tumor bread.

Hoovy smelling the sandwich and deciding it’s safe to eat [or that it doesn’t matter at this point].

Pyro standing like that. He don’t know what’s going on, but he’ll still be polite. Also, Sniper just chillin in the back with a poker face the whole time.

Medic smiles at Soldier as they walk past. Engineer’s got that Conhager death-cheating focus at the moment.

Spy’s eyes widen angrily when he realizes it’s Scout at the door and then he smirks like; “Oh hi! Twelve hours was enough time for you to get bored of my absence, then?”, not expecting a sincere apology [maybe one orchestrated by the other teammates, but not Scout].

There was some vitriol behind that “***”, look at his nose. He does not want Scout to gloat, try to prank him again, or give a fake apology. And that’s valid, since the team dying is something Scout should have taken seriously, and the last wishes handled with respect. He crossed a line that Spy doesn’t take lightly.

Dad, I threwed up. But in all seriousness, that’s the “My family is dysfunctional, and I don’t know how to be emotionally honest with people” posture.

See my bucket scene analysis for more on these two.

He didn’t say “You’re terrible with girls” in a snide or smug tone, he said it with like actual parental concern. “Scout, no you have three days! Do you want to die rejected or die before you can enjoy being together? No. Don’t do this to yourself.”

Look at that cup, he did not need a refill. This fake smirk and disinterest is Spy’s way of checking how serious Scout is about this last wish and taking his advice. And when he goes “This never leaves this room” Spy perks up.

Medic was taking a sample of bread tumor puss [or injecting it with something].

They have a whole entire wrestling ring, how did I never notice that?

This is one of those multiple choice questions where you can choose more than one answer and have it be right. But the chicken in combination with the other options looses you points, and just taking the chicken is like the token wrong answer.

Spy sighs when he realizes Scout chose just the chicken. Like chile, I gave you multiple options and you still went with your go-to that doesn’t work!

This room has a gym floor, which implies Spy took a bunch of fancy stuff from one of his rooms just for this date training. Also shoutout to the other teammates for helping with this.

Okay, so most of these decorations came from Pyro, who Scout is terrified of. Archimedes came from Medic, who Scout also doesn’t want to make angry, and the grass cutouts are potentially part of the base camouflage. But that disco ball? That belongs to Scout, he just doesn't want anyone to know he’s real into that. [The team would not judge, but his brothers would, so.]

Man when he gets his heart broken, I hope he finds the right girl for him. He deserves better than Pauling always making excuses to turn him down instead of telling him like it is.

Foreshadowing Solly being romantical towards Zhanna. Look at this content man.

Spy holding his knife like this. There’s no reason for it to be a threat, so he’s just genuinely in the habit of doing this while listening. Or while nervous, which also makes sense.

[ms-demeanor]

fully understand and agree about reiki and prayer and herbs and the rest of that bullshit, but i'm a little confused as to how chiropractic care got lumped in with those

Chiropractors are quacks, full stop.

There is nothing that a chiropractor can do for you that a physical therapist couldn't do better or that a massage therapist wouldn't be able to assist with.

There are specific conditions that can cause joint subluxation, but unless you have one of them, your joints are probably perfectly fine where they are and if they are not that is something that would be better (and more safely) assessed by someone who is actually qualified to provide some variety of medical care (which chiropractors are not, they are licensed to provide chiropractic care, which is pseudoscience on your spine, which is a bad place to do pseudoscience). And if you do have those conditions you shouldn't let a chiropractor touch you with a ten foot pole because you are at even *more* risk of harm from spinal manipulation than the general population is.

When I was in college and didn't have health insurance and was working at a coffee shop I couldn't afford $150 out of pocket to go see a doctor, but I could afford $45 to see a chiropractor.

What the chiropractor didn't know - because she wasn't a doctor and didn't have the diagnostic tools for this kind of thing - was that I didn't have back pain because my spine was out of place, I had back pain because I had a bone tumor in my spine, and her adjustment fractured one of my lumbar vertebrae.

When I did get insurance I finally figured out what was wrong (after using a cane and dealing with excruciating back pain from my cracked spine I had to quit my job at the coffee shop because I couldn't reliable stand on shift) when I got an MRI. The pain was treated with muscle relaxants, oral steroids, and physical therapy, none of which would have broken my fucking back.

Chiropractic, even when practiced "competently" by an expert with the most modern and most rigorous scientific training available, is still more dangerous and less effective than other interventions. All of which is aside from the fact that there are a shitload of chiropractors out there who will claim to treat asthma and autism, which they can't do and are shitty for claiming to be able to do.

Top to bottom, all through its history, chiropractic is a scam that hurts more people than it helps and because of our fucked up medical care in the US specifically has been largely predatory on people who can't afford real treatment for their illnesses and injuries.

Also, if you are ever going to see a chiropractor - though i wish you wouldn't - never, ever, ever, EVER let them manipulate your neck. Chiropractic spinal manipulation of the neck can lead to severing the arteries in your neck, causing a stroke. This HAS killed people, and as long as chiropractors keep doing it, it will kill more people.

Fuck - and I cannot emphasize this enough - chiropractic.

[thesirencult]

How Does Your Crush See You

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PILE 1

Your crush sees you as someone giving, forgiving, abundant and grounded. They might find you "too practical" at times, as you are someone who is mostly focused on work/education.

Your person is probably someone you've met through family or is a close family friend. They see you as part of their extended family. This screams "childhood friends to lovers".

I believe that you are aware about their feelings and thoughts about you. Whatever your intuition says, that's it! A few of you have caught this person staring or their hand lingered for too long on your waist. These are clear signs there is something there. If they look indifferent and nonchalant then they do not view you romantically.

For those of you wondering "are those signs they like me?" yes, they are! Your relationship though is making this person feel burdened.

They would love to be with you but are afraid a confession will mess up everything between you. They also might have a few issues in their life right now and they don't want to bring you any drama.

The same might apply to you. Right now you are busy and have other things on your plate, that's what they think about you right now.

All in all, this pile will apply to you if your crush is someone close to you or your family or a coworker who might have taken you under their wing. Sidenote: This person knows you personally so they have a pretty clear image of who you are. Take care xoxo S...

PILE 2

TW: Mention of anxiety, depression and struggle.

Your crush sees you through a blurry lens, for them, nothing is clear about you. You confuse them. If I had to write a short story about you two, it would be titled "The Girl On The Train", you doing a daily activity and they are there too, staring at you from afar, waiting for you to turn and look at them, locating them and as your eyes lock, you know this person lives their life parallel with yours, always there but never touching. Your soundtrack would have been "Poison Tree by Grouper" and "Limerance by Yves Tumor".

This person, based on the feeling I get from these two songs and their overall energy, is someone who feels like they are screaming while being underwater. They need someone who will see the real them, behind the facade. They might struggle with anxiety and depression and they can tell you have a similar vibe to them. There is something about you, they can't put their finger on it. You are like a ghost to them and they are the only ones who have the magical ability to look at you and admire your beauty. They are not doing it in a creepy way though, they are sweet. They also feel quite sad cause they don't know how to approach you.

In their mind they believe you two would have amazing, deep, heartfelt conversations, no judging involved, just two open arms and lots of crying. They are soft in their core and for some reason they believe you would be able to heal them. They fantasize about touching your hair or kissing your face and wiping away tears.

The 10 of Cups also came out though, so I would say they find you very sweet, someone they would love to have as a soulmate, but they think they do not deserve someon as pure and beautiful inside and out. You are their sweet escape and they would love to get lost in your own world. It's like you are underwater and they want to come in with you, even if they drown. This person believes that love can only be felt in the darkness, the quiet, the 3AM when everyone is sleeping or partying but you are together, sitting in silence and staring into eachother's souls.

PILE 3

Pink Matter by Frank Ocean (Slowed...)

BIttersuit by Billie Eilish

This person, ahhhh, your crush is the epitome of a "soft boi" on the inside. They might not look like someone soft or particularly sweet but their eyes, aww, they make you melt! Their exterior makes you wonder "why am I attracted to them? this is wrong!" This person is meant to teach how to fall in love, crazily and with no logical explanation. You are someone who knows how to love but not how to fall in love.

You have the hierophant/ high priestess energy. For them you are way above their level. You are on a different plane, interstellar. Untouchable. You are the keeper of the sacred and that p/d is sacred, damn! In the song above, the man comes to the conclusion that women's bodies are not just vessels for men to fill or for babies to be made, they are sacred. He talks about his lover like a goddess. If you have already slept with this person you have DESTROYED them for others, or if you sleep with them at some point, it's over, you are a Goddess and they have been a lucky mortal that got to touch you.

Also, if you are curvy/thick they actually love that. In the song there is a lyric about "models are for modelling thick girls are for cuddling". I want to say that this person might be a bit toxic when it comes to those stereotypes. They might follow a lot of instagram models who fit the beauty standard, or you know that their previous gf looked like a model yet they don't consider them "marriage material". Like, this person can have bad habits (smoking, drinking, driving fast, p*rn) and this is driving you insane, because they are not your type, but what I'm seeing is that this person is at a point in their lives that they have started reconsidering their actions and you will play a big part in that.

This person is not that experienced in love. They are experienced when it comes to matters of the flesh but once they are in love they turn to jello. They think about you particularly when they get h*gh. They had a revelation about you while being stoned or in a dream. They find you very beautiful and if you walked up to them and told them you want to lose excessive amounts of weight or you don't feel beautiful they would be SHOOK! They are like "why change perfection?" OH, they are also telling me, tell them to not listen to their bad thoughts" and they want to tell you they know that what they think about you doesn't align with how you view yourself. You think you are a goblin and they see you as an Aphrodite/Cleopatra.

They know you are traditional and serious, wise and calm and they want some of that. They want a spiritual person by their side and someone who will look deeper. They are well aware that you are an unlikely match. The chances they get with you are veryyyy slim. I'm hearing "I don't have a chance, but I'll try."

Wow, don't get scared if they approach and do not reject them. They have a huge heart. Also, the miss your presence if they haven't seen you in a while. They have a crush on you and their friends make fun of them, because it started in a joking manner, they might see you in passing. As an example, they might ride a mototrcycle and they see you almost everyday passing by the park or the beach and they tell their friends "Oh I saw my girl yesterday. She's so hot. There is somthing about her" and now they've been telling them "Have you guys seen my wife? I haven't seen her in a week." Their friends think they are joking but they truly miss you !

[thewertsearch]

TG: well maybe i never wanted to be a knight of time TG: maybe id rather just be like TG: the dave of guy

Now that is some real shit you just said. The kids didn’t ask for these Titles, and they’re too simplistic to fully encompass who they are as people.

Dave is not the Knight of Time. Rather, the 'Knight of Time' is just one facet of the infinitely complex mosaic of personality that we call Dave Strider. He's also a friend, a brother, a shitty rapper, an amateur photographer, and above all, a boy who wants to stop dying repeatedly.

Sburb doesn’t get the last word on who you are. You do.

TT: These really do not sound like the words of someone ready to face his own death.

Well, no – but that’s kind of a good thing, Rose. No child should ever have to be ready to face death, even if the game they're playing demands it.

TG: guess i failed my quest then TG: so im like TG: now what bitches TG: to nobody in particular i guess TT: The unseen bitches callously conspiring to expect greatness from you?

Furthermore, it is not greatness for a child to martyr themselves. It is a tragedy.

It should be avoided, Rose.

TT: If that's how you feel, TT: Then why did you insist on going on the mission to deliver The Tumor?

Perhaps he's trying to spare someone he loves from a similar fate.

Not that you’d know anything about that, right?

TT: What happened after we decided you'd go? […] TG: we were trying to figure out a way to detach the moon TG: so i could pilot it out there

TG: then out of nowhere this sword appears in the thing

Looks like Jadesprite’s up to something. She appears to have sent the Deringer directly to Derse.

Maybe Dave Prime needs it for something. His Quest is all about pulling swords from the stone - or rather, failing to do so. Could there be a task Hephaestus requires of him, in exchange for permission to cause the Scratch?

[yfere]

one of the things I've always found most interesting about jin guangyao as a character is that, for all of his offenses against the cultivation world, his personal vendettas, crimes, murders.... this is the only person in the series* who has enacted a systematic, successful change for the good of the common people. the watchtowers that he fought for.... that's a substantial legacy, that doesn't really mean much or merit much comment from the viewpoint characters of the series, but that I can't stop thinking about. that his vision as a chief cultivator, his political goals were, in the end, a great societal good.

We know, in the context of this world, that there is a significant problem where routine, common problems that are deadly and disastrous for normal people are simply ignored by cultivators, because it isn't prestigious enough and dealing with these issues is seen as a waste of time/too much trouble/boring. This is a world where people have to either be very rich or have something uniquely dangerous or interesting going on to have any real hope for assistance. It's exactly this sort of attitude from the cultivation world that ultimately spiraled into situations like the Wens pushing off their problems into other areas (Waterborne Abyss) instead of dealing with it themselves. The Wens weren't uniquely terrible or corrupt - no more so than many other cultivation clans would be in their position. They were symptomatic of the kinds of behavior that cultivation society in general rewarded, the visible tumor from the collected corruption of cultivation society at large. After all, this is a world where people like Lan Wangji, who "appear where the chaos is" and help irrespective of the level or complexity of the issue, are seen as morally praiseworthy but are also specifically viewed as unusual cases (when that kind of attitude... should be the norm? you'd hope for it to be the norm, and not the practice of one guy, his sect, and a handful of rogue cultivators).

Ultimately, it seems in the context of the story that while you can be a moral person as an individual, there's only so much a single hero can do (let alone legitimately) in the face of selfish human nature and a corrupt system. (You could say WWX trying to do everything by his damn self is a good part of why he was doomed to fail in his efforts to save the Wens). So here you have JGY, scheming and conniving his way into making the watchtowers happen, which to be clear *none* of the cultivation world really wanted to get mixed up in, as morally praiseworthy as the project was - because there isn't any glory to stationing yourself at a watchtower and dealing with all these mundane low level problems for commoners, is there? But he did it. The villain of the story, who ultimately gets eternal torment for his very real and awful crimes, he accomplished something enduringly good in a way that kind of spits in the faces of these individualist heroes, didn't he? which one of them could claim to have accomplished what he did?

[extasiswings]

Okay, SO! In the category of "I think it's possible that Eddie has a brain tumor/is sick in some way":

Eddie is acting weird. Eddie has been acting weird from the beginning of the season, and I know there has been discourse about "it's just that we haven't seen him so happy before" but I respectfully submit that multiple things can be true at the same time. Eddie can be happy AND it can be out of character for him to impulsively drop everything to take a helicopter ride with his new friend he met two seconds ago to see a fight in Vegas (the last time we saw Eddie be truly impulsive I'd argue was S3, buying a truck while in the midst of a serious crisis). Eddie can be happy AND it can be out of character for him to ask his girlfriend of five minutes to move in (and I recognize that we were given an explanation from Eddie in the episode, but Eddie is an unreliable narrator and his explanation also doesn't totally square with what we've seen previously - him rushing introducing her to Christopher tracks, him jumping into moving her into his house without knowing basic information about her life does not).

Then there are the Eddie-coded calls. The guy with the alien hand who is all about rigid self control and being the master of yourself - his body turning against him not because the control failed but because of a blood clot in his brain. And now the guy with encephalitis (the same condition that ultimately caused Chim to hallucinate dead people), who has amnesia and has forgotten the marriage that ended in divorce but recalls the happy time before that when his wife was just his fiancee, the guy who was experiencing chest pains that he thought was a heart attack only for Chim to say he was having a panic attack. They had Eddie be so open about his own experiences with panic attacks and coping mechanisms in 7x01 for a reason - he's genuinely doing better with his own mental health and isn't ashamed or afraid of talking about his mental health struggles. But looking at these two calls, the underlying reason for the call (alien hand, amnesiac/presumed stalker in vent) theoretically could have had mental health explanations, but instead both resulted from physical ailments in the brain. [Tangent: I also think there's something really interesting in the potential callback to S5 and the way Eddie and Maddie were sort of mirrors - Eddie with a seemingly physical problem that was caused by a mental health issue, Maddie with a seemingly mental health issue that turned out to at least in part be the result of a physical problem]

Then there is whatever they're doing with ghosts. Shannon's ghost has lingered over the narrative and was actively put on screen in 7x01. For Chim in 7x06, the ghosts were hallucinations because there was something wrong with his brain. For Bobby, I'm guessing his arc with the burn unit nurse from his past will be more of a metaphorical haunting, bringing up any number of old ghosts (but I'm also going to guess his wife will be one). For Eddie...unclear. Ryan was filming with Devin (ostensibly for 7x09 but if they're doing anything with Shanon's ghost I'd be shocked if it wasn't introduced in 7x07, "Ghost of a Second Chance"), but she didn't exactly look like Shannon. Is she supposed to be Shannon? A dream or hallucination of a different or older her? Is she a real woman who just happens to look like her? If Eddie is hallucinating, then something is clearly very wrong. If it's a random woman and he's, idk, pursuing her in some way because he's drawn to her/the fact that she looks like his dead wife, that's still another point in the "Eddie is acting weird" column (because Eddie is a bad boyfriend and wasn't the greatest husband, but what he has never been is a cheater, even when he and Shannon were separated).

And then of course there's the will of it all. The will that Buck and Eddie haven't talked about since the shooting. Now, it's no secret I love the potential of a trapped dads experience circling back to the will, but I also think there is an argument to be made for a callback to "You're the guy who likes to fix things, maybe this isn't something you can fix." Because usually, when Eddie is in danger, Buck can do something about it, take some actionable step even if a futile one - he can dig through mud, he can drag Eddie's body out of the line of fire and into an ambulance and keep him alive. And for someone who, I would guess, still thinks of himself and the will as a backup plan/contingency, who if put in a trapped dads situation may not be able to stop himself from trying to save Eddie or, if necessary, sacrificing himself to do so, because in his mind, Eddie is Christopher's dad/who Christopher needs most, it is deeply compelling to imagine what happens if Eddie is in danger from something Buck can't fix, can't fight, can't save him from. And Eddie being sick in some capacity does that.

Anyway...I just think it would be Neat.

[slfcare]

life goes on and it will take you with it

#bee tells a story on time and love (for new years', for you) cw grief, cancer mention

In 2024, I lost five people, all family members. Two of them were brother and sister, both had cancer and passed shortly after they were diagnosed. The first never knew the second would be so close to follow. She was my grandmother, in whose guestroom I slept exactly a year ago on New Year’s Eve, next to my mother. While the latter had gone out for breakfast, I found her sitting in the kitchen, still in her nightgown and bonnet. She told me she hadn’t been feeling well, and that my uncle (her second-oldest son) would take her to the doctor’s soon.

We didn’t know, then, that a month later they’d tell her that the stomach-pain she’d been experiencing had been a tumor that had spread everywhere. Another month later she’d be gone. I’d be in a candle-lit room at the funeral home, debating whether I should reach out and touch her hand before they would bolt her casket shut as I was trying to remember every inch of her face through my blurry vision. (It didn’t work.)

Her brother got his diagnosis soon after, and passed peacefully. Their cousin passed in her sleep shortly after him. My great-aunt on my Dad’s side had had Parkinson’s for a while and grew more frail and forgetful by the day, but it still came as a shock when he called to tell me she had taken her last breaths. Then there was my Dad’s cousin, a father of two, a real health-nut. He went for a normal checkup but never went home, because of an aneurysm. He ended up having several heart-attacks during and after surgery, then slipped into a coma and passed on his birthday. My Dad’s best friend was a genius, too, but this year, his aneurysm took everything from him. Last NYE he was celebrating in town, now he’s in a nursing home for the rest of his life.

After such a tumultuous year, I thought it was over. But then, on december 26th, my dearest uncle — the second-oldest son of my late grandmother, who took his mom to the doctor’s only ten months ago — was sent to the ER by his family doctor for pneumonia, and then suffered a stroke today right before he’d head home, for which he’s in surgery as I type this. When my mom told me about him, she added that my dearest cousin’s father was also diagnosed with cancer.

I tallied it up in my head. With everybody I’d lost this year, plus my friend’s grandmother, he’d be the fourth person who was diagnosed with cancer this year.

To be really honest with you all, I think all of it has had a greater impact on me than I’ve been trying to trick myself into believing. It’s been hard trying to wrap my mind around how so many bad things can happen at once. Everywhere I turned, more people passed, got diagnosed with something horrible, or had terrible things happen to them. Not to mention the state of our world right now: the genocide in Palestine, the war in Ukraine, the terrible attacks by Israel, Trump’s presidency and the uncertainty that all of it brings for so many of us. My heart aches for so many people that it forgets to ache for myself. All of this hurt is bigger than I am. I imagine it surpasses me, in some way, and that’s why I can’t really feel it.

The weirdest thing is that despite all of this, life continues. In one of my posts this year, I wrote, life goes on and it will take you with it. It has no choice but to do so. While my grandmother grew weaker, I was just a subway-ride away from her at college, trying to focus on my minor, or celebrate the fact that I got my first job offer because of a school project I had shown her just weeks prior. While three family members passed, I landed an amazing internship. While my uncle had his heart attacks back-to-back, I was planning for my future. A future that, suddenly, so many of my loved ones wouldn’t be there to be a part of.

The fact that life goes on and it will take you with it feels unfair and painful. It means that life was also rushing me past the moments I wasn’t ready to leave behind, like that moment I shared with my grandmother, as we sat in her kitchen the morning of January 1st, 2024. But at the same time, each of these losses taught me the most important lesson of the year: how real strength is born from love, how precious and fleeting the smallest moments are, how each of these moments is like the faintest little light guiding us forward. Because that’s where we must go.

Time has moved us, and the ones before us, past the most hurtful things we can imagine. Time freed my loved ones from their pain and illnesses. Time will allow me to grow with my grief and get used to its weight in the pit of my stomach and my chest. Time will show mercy to us both: see, how it has brought us to 2025?

If you have suffered loss or grief this year, or if you’ve suffered at all, or if this was the best year of your life: I wish you a better new year. Time has taken you this far and it will continue carrying you. As will life. As will love. ♡

[mrs-stans]

How Sebastian Stan and Adam Pearson got under each other’s skin for ‘A Different Man’

Adam Pearson and Sebastian Stan both know what it’s like to have people stare at them and be made to feel like they owe the public something.(Sean Dougherty / For The Times)

By Tim Grierson

When Adam Pearson was young, he rubbed elbows with celebrities. “I was at Great Ormond Street Children’s Hospital, one of the best pediatric institutes in the world,” he recalls of the London facility, “and they often had famous people come in to meet the kids. I met Boyzone, a big Irish boy band in the ’90s. The other one was Princess Diana.” The British actor was 5 when he was diagnosed with neurofibromatosis Type 1, a condition that resulted in the growth of large tumors across his face. Those tumors would often cause passersby to gawk cruelly, which made Pearson feel an unlikely kinship with the notable figures who stopped by the hospital. “I was like, ‘Oh, these people get the same staring and pointing I do, but people seem to like them.’ I wasn’t resentful, it was just an observation I made as a 12-year-old: ‘Oh, OK, that’s fascinating.’”

Decades later, Pearson, who turns 40 in January, is on a Zoom call from London alongside his co-star Sebastian Stan, beaming in from New York, to discuss their thought-provoking, satirical film “A Different Man,” which is all about appearance and perception. Writer-director Aaron Schimberg introduces us to Edward (Stan), a struggling actor with neurofibromatosis who believes he’ll be happier once he undergoes an experimental procedure that removes his tumors, revealing the sexy man underneath. Later walking around New York with a new identity — that of the slick real estate agent Guy — he discovers that the aspiring playwright he pined for, Ingrid (Renate Reinsve), has written a drama about his former self, who will be portrayed by Oswald (Pearson), a happy, charming man with neurofibromatosis. Guy looks on in horror as his old life is played with such flair by Oswald, who steals Ingrid away as well. Maybe it wasn’t his condition that had held him back — maybe it was just him.

Stan, 42, found two-time Oscar-nominated makeup artist Mike Marino to craft the realistic mask for Edward. But there was something even more important for Stan to get right. “I wanted to talk to Adam about how he was feeling about myself playing this part and having someone step into these shoes without neurofibromatosis,” he says. “Just really trying to be mindful and understand how I need to approach this so I can be of service to the character but also to somebody who actually has this condition.”

It was during those initial conversations that Pearson, who previously appeared in “Under the Skin” and starred in Schimberg’s 2018 drama “Chained for Life,” gave Stan, best known as the Winter Soldier in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, the insight that living with neurofibromatosis was not dissimilar to being famous. “They both come with certain levels of invasiveness,” Pearson explains. “You almost become public property. The public feels that you owe them something. So while Sebastian might not know the staring, the name-calling, the camera phones in a way I do, he certainly knows what it’s like to have people think [they] deserve to have a selfie with him.”

Sebastian Stan plays an actor with an ugliness inside, Adam Pearson plays the disfigured actor who is charming and confident, and Renate Reinsve is friend to them both. (Matt Infante/A24)

The absolute honesty between the two actors was crucial for a film that is candid about the stigmas around disfigurement. Schimberg, who became friends with Pearson during “Chained for Life,” also drew from his own experience with a cleft palate. “Aaron is such an incredible writer — he’s set up these things that rope you in as a viewer to judge Edward because of his appearance,” Stan says. “We project these stereotypical thoughts: ‘He’s lonely, somebody’s taken pity on him.’”

But with Oswald, “We haven’t made the connection yet that someone like Adam could actually be OK with themselves — and not only that, incredibly confident and accepting of themselves as they are.”

Indeed, “A Different Man” toys with our expectations, depicting Oswald as the life of the party, while the conventionally handsome Guy is riddled with insecurity. Unsurprisingly, Stan and Pearson have noticed that viewers sometimes don’t know what to make of Schimberg’s acerbic sense of humor.

“I’m always looking around to see what’s landing and what isn’t landing, because I’ve never had an audience react the same way,” Pearson says, amused. “Everyone finds different things either funny or uncomfortable.”

“The film asks very important questions in terms of disability and disfigurement,” adds Stan, “but we can also offer people permission to experience the film as they might. It is funny. Aaron Schimberg has said, ‘If you think this is a comedy, that’s fine — if you think this is a tragedy, that’s fine too. It’s both.’”

Much has been made of Stan’s recent so-called risk-taking performances, including in the Donald Trump biopic “The Apprentice.” (He won Berlin’s lead actor trophy for “A Different Man.”) “One of the reasons I’ve lately gravitated more toward what I’d call ‘transformational’ roles is because they do make it easier to lose yourself and to stay in it for the entire time,” suggests Stan, who lived in Romania and Vienna as a child. “I wanted to be an actor because it saved my life. I grew up in a very weird, chaotic time. I was always searching for identity — I came to this country when I was 12, and it was a shocking experience. Acting was a way of release and communication — it was a language, in a way, and it allowed me to understand myself.”

Pearson understands that sentiment. “There’s something inherently terrifying about putting yourself out there,” he says. “When I first got into TV when I was 25, one of my friends gave me what we now lovingly call ‘the talk of doom.’ He was like, ‘You are going to go on TV, and people watch TV — if they don’t like you, they will tell you on whatever platforms you are on. Do you think you can handle that?’”

He could, and his work in “A Different Man” has only raised his profile. Now he’s the one who’s a celebrity, although he acknowledges those old anxieties remain.

“Even now, my friends are like, ‘Aren’t you just a little bit scared that people are going to [not like you]?’ I’m like, ‘Yeah, I’m always scared,”’ Pearson says. “Option A is, ‘Don’t do it,’ and then Option B is, ‘Do it scared.’ And I’d rather do it scared than not do it at all.”

[locke-esque-monster]

One of the things I've really loved in the last couple seasons of The Boys is the idea of how powers manifest in adults who are given Compound or Temp V.

Because most of our characters had their powers for basically their whole life. If they're not to some degree genetic, like Ryan, or even Translucent's son having the same powers, if there's some early in life trigger for how they took shape, we don't know what it is.

But with our characters, we know who they are and how they got that way, so we can see how their powers reflect who they are as people or the mindset they're in.

With Hugh Sr this season, he talks about how Daphne looked at him like he wasn't even there, and that makes him angry. He's generally not an angry guy, but I think he knows on some level he and his life are overlooked. So it's unsurprising his power is intangibility, the ability to pass through objects like he isn't even there.

Kimiko we meet with powers, but we learn enough of her backstory to realize how much she's been through as a child solider. As someone who has endured so much, who was raised to be a fighter, and that making it to another day is everything, that she has the ability to heal herself from injuries. To constantly pick herself up and bounce back no matter what comes at her. (It's also not surprise her brother Kenji, who was in a similar situation to her, but we don't know as well, has telekinesis, the ability to control objects when his life has been out of his control.)

With Hughie, he's not a fighter at heart - he spent most of his life avoiding conflict. But he wants to save people, like the heroes he loved as a kid. He wanted to save Annie all of season 3. He wanted to save his dad in season 4. He probably wishes he could have saved Robin. So it's not surprising that he has teleportation - the ability to be in the right place at the right time. While creatively it can be used offensively, it's definitely a power that far more helpful to save someone, defend, or run if needed.

And then there's Butcher. When he took the temp V he was so filled with self-hatred already at everything he's done wrong and the people he's lost. And the idea of taking something that makes him into the very supes he hates, even temporarily, of course it gives him laser vision. Of course his power manifests as both one of the main powers his nemesis Homelander has, and what killed Becca.

And then there's Butcher the second time around, with the real Compound V. At this point he has brain cancer, but he also has a hatred and vengeance that's been growing in him for years. It's a figurative cancer on his brain and soul - from his childhood to his quest against Homelander. But on top of that, he's torn. This isn't necessarily who he wants to be anymore. Especially because that desire for vengeance lead to him taking the Temp V, giving him cancer. So it makes a lot of sense he's split that part of himself, to give that power a separate consciousness. And when he choses to use that vengeance that's he's grown over the years, that tumor can literally attack others one it has the juice of Compound V in his system.

[btvs3x21]

what iroh should have been, and how it would've impacted zuko and azula's arcs

in terms of canon atla, aside from my criticisms of the orientalism woven into the show's fabric, its pattern of telling not showing, the tumor-like presence of filler episodes that don't do enough as character studies or dynamic studies (mostly in book 3; in book 1 i'm more forgiving of these since atla was still finding its groove), and my issues with zuko's redemption arc not challenging his political beliefs in a meaningful way, the thing that i would consider its biggest failure writing-wise is the fact that iroh is not intentionally portrayed as a morally gray character.

the thing about iroh is that he is a longtime war criminal. they try to soft retcon some of that in book 3 by making his nickname "the dragon of the west" about him pretending to have hunted the dragons into extinction and by making him a part of the white lotus, but this to me is not only grievously boring but also a waste of his character.

i understand why the idea of iroh as little more than zuko's loving, wise, and kooky uncle makes people happy. it means zuko gets to have a father figure who loves him unconditionally and makes him feel safe. that's a lovely concept! but not a very interesting one in terms of the narrative, nor is it one congruent with iroh's initial characterization.

think of the absolute contempt and terror he struck into those earthbenders who tried to arrest him in book 1. think of the fact that he besieged ba sing se for 600 days straight well into his adulthood (his age is unclear, but i'd presume he's somewhere in his mid to late 50s throughout atla, so he would at youngest in his 40s when he lead the siege of ba sing se). think of the fact that iroh only changed his mind about his very active part in the war as a grown man once his son was killed. think of the fact that iroh spent 3 years with zuko in exile without ever once actively making a real effort to help zuko unlearn the fire nation propaganda he was indoctrinated with from birth or to truly help him understand that ozai abused him. think of the fact that the white lotus didn't really do much of anything throughout the war to end it.

what picture do these facts paint? is it really that of a reformed war criminal? no, not really.

iroh loves zuko unconditionally. he is patient and kind and loving with zuko. i don't think there's much, if any, room to argue with that. i am not denying that to zuko, iroh is a loving, wise, and kooky uncle.

however, i am saying that iroh is multifaceted. he is zuko's loving, wise, and kooky uncle, and he is also a war criminal who, despite the show telling us has reformed his ways, is not shown to have done so in any meaningful way. he does not do much to help zuko to unlearn imperialist propaganda, does not do much to discourage zuko from trying to capture the avatar, and does not do much at all to end the war.

this makes for an incredibly interesting and dynamic character! this is a character who believes that his personal kindness absolves him of his heinous political misdeeds. that is why he does not do anything meaningful to challenge imperialism where he sees it. that is why he is also a kind, loving man. he's hugely flawed, but he also has virtues that make you want him to overcome his flaws! there is so much room for him to develop whether it's negatively or positively, and there is so much that can be done with the relationships he has, especially his relationship with zuko! furthermore, this is the summation of what the canon material overall most strongly presents us with.

but it's not how the narrative wants us to view iroh, so it's not how the narrative treats him.

instead, we are told that iroh is a reformed war criminal (and later even the notion that he was in the wrong for his military service to the fire nation is soft retconned) who is now nothing but a loving and supportive uncle to zuko. he's unfailingly kind to both zuko and the gaang, ty lee lets slip that she actually rather likes him despite azula's contempt of him to show us that ty lee is an antivillain who will be redeemed (despite her political beliefs never being actually challenged in a meaningful way), and really the only people iroh is unkind to or who dislike him are azula and ozai to highlight to the audience that they are villains.

this makes for an incredibly static character who essentially only exists to love zuko and act as his moral tether despite the fact that iroh never actually challenges zuko's political beliefs. iroh does not need to grow or develop within the narrative atla tells us exists. he has already done his self-reflection and repented for his behavior. he is a figure of moral authority. while this makes him feel safe and good to viewers who accept what atla tells them without question, in addition to not aligning with what's actually shown, it also makes him insanely bland from a narrative perspective.

but what if atla intentionally portrayed him as morally gray? what if they leaned into his shortcomings?

here's the thing about if iroh is intentionally portrayed as morally gray: zuko's redemption arc improves drastically, and azula's is given a much better opportunity to begin.

hear me out. if iroh is morally gray, then he is not solely there to show zuko what real, unconditional love looks like so that zuko can replace his abusive father with a loving father figure, giving him the strength to do the right thing and join the gaang. i'm not saying iroh no longer serves this function in the narrative; i'm saying that now that iroh does this, and his failure to meaningfully repent for his war crimes and to challenge imperialism creates conflict with zuko. you see, if iroh is morally gray, then his failure to challenge zuko's political beliefs (i.e. imperialism is good) is something that zuko is forced to reckon with throughout his redemption arc.

this would mean that zuko is finally actually challenged in his political beliefs as opposed to simply accepting that people are afraid of him because he is a destructive firebender/the prince and thus representative of the harm they have endured throughout the war. furthermore, it means that zuko has to go against a father figure who has treated him well, so his redemption is no longer a matter rooted in kindness but in moral conviction. zuko doesn't have to lose his love for iroh to do this; in fact, that would be a very boring way to portray this. it is far more interesting if zuko has the internal conflict of both loving his uncle and condemning him politically as he struggles to do the right thing in spite of that love.

the idea of zuko managing to grow beyond iroh and do the right thing even though it is hard, even though it means not only going against ozai's malice but also iroh's complicty, is one that would round zuko's arc out better.

it's also one that would open up the gates for an azula redemption arc a lot more than what canon does (although canon azula is still redeemable).

if zuko outgrows iroh enough to challenge his inaction, then he has outgrown iroh enough to start to really see his flaws.

one of zuko's main flaws in canon is that he has a very black and white way of thinking. this is a hugely defining flaw for him. it's why he struggled to accept that ozai abused him, why he struggled to see that his pursuit of the avatar and thus the war as a whole was wrong, why he got physically ill when he was confronted with the fact that he was harming people, etc.

but if zuko starts to see that iroh's inaction as a flaw despite the fact that iroh loves him so sincerely and is so kind to most everyone, then he can start to break this black and white thinking. like ozai, iroh is no longer on a pedestal in zuko's mind. this would lead to the unearthing of more of iroh's flaws.

in conjunction with the fact that zuko has now seen proof of azula's pain (her psychotic break in the last agni kai), this means that zuko can start to place blame where it's due with people over her pain.

i am under no delusions about the state of zuko's relationship with azula in canon. i've expanded on my thoughts about the love between them here if you'd like to see them, but i can sum it up as so: while azula cares about zuko in her own deeply screwed up way, zuko doesn't really care about azula because he is shortsighted and struggles to empathize with her or even see a need to.

however, seeing proof that azula has been harmed too means that zuko would finally see a reason she is worthy of his empathy. the first, most obvious, and easiest to identify (for zuko) perpetrator is, of course, ozai. like with the war, ozai is clearly malicious. now that zuko has admitted and accepted that his father was abusive to him, it is much easier for him to admit that their father is responsible for azula's pain too. this much i believe is likely in canon as well.

the next person for zuko to look to, which can only happen if zuko has opened his eyes, is iroh. like with the war post 600 day siege, iroh was not malicious in his treatment of azula, but he was still complicit. iroh may not have abused azula, but he did neglect her entirely. he did not give her a chance to ever be anything but what ozai told her she should be. he did not show her love and compassion the way he did zuko. furthermore, he not only failed to encourage zuko to ever try doing so, he actively discouraged him from attempting to.

to be clear: i don't think zuko should be a mentor figure to azula during her redemption. like azula, he's just a kid. he's still growing and learning himself. he also doesn't really understand her at all, even if he has realized that she was hurt too. he doesn't understand how she was, and he's going to have to spend a lot of time reconciling the way their father's abuse colored his perception of her with how she actually is. furthermore, their relationship is complicated and full of pain for them both, so relying too heavily on it to help azula recover and redeem herself would end badly if we're being realistic.

but zuko seeing that azula was abused by their father and seeing that their uncle's failure to ever give her a chance to understand real love is crucial to him realizing that the asylum is not somewhere that gives her a real shot at recovery and redemption.

whether or not azula takes that shot when it's given to her is a more complicated story that would involve both zuko and azula having to reflect more wholly and honestly on ursa than i think either of them ever have before as well as some likely very painful conversations challenging the way she, like all other fire nation citizens, was indoctrinated, but do you see how interesting treating iroh as the morally gray character he is could be?

even if you don't want to see a redeemed azula (i personally do, but the possibility of her rejecting the idea of redemption is also quite fascinating and tragic in this context), zuko's arc and the commentary made about redemption and second chances overall are made so much more interesting and nuanced by this simple choice.

[dingodad]

does every planet with sapient life have a first guardian, or only planets destined to play The Game?

if every sapient planet capable of playing The Game has a first guardian, do you think HIC had to kill those first guardians? do you think she also has a trophy mount of all the first guardians she killed, a la jake "poppop" harley?

do you think deltritus will have a first guardian, manufactured or otherwise?

does gracillia have a first guardian, and if it doesnt, what would it look like if it did?

the word is that "Every planet destined for intelligent life" has a first guardian. this has commonly been reinterpreted as only including planets that will play host to sessions of Sburb, partially because we observe that first guardians are born from ectobiology and arrive on their homeworlds via frog temple meteor, but I've never been enticed by this reasoning because you have to remember that ectobiology is pretty much just supposed to mimic genuine biology. all of the comic's protagonists being created ectobiologically doesn't mean that's how ALL humans are born, so it's not particularly out there to suggest that most first guardians come into being through some natural means as well. in fact the linked page even tells us "each has a unique, circuitous origin through the knots of paradox space", without mentioning ectobiology specifically, so the door is wide open for first guardians to be created by other means.

that being said this page does also tell us that a first guardian "facilitate[s] the planet's ultimate purpose", and knowing what we know about Homestuck's cosmology it doesn't seem like a huge leap to presume that the ultimate purpose of most intelligent life IS the creation of new universes via Sburb. but given that most of the first guardians we're aware of - like most organisms in general - are kind of just stupid animals with no broader awareness of their purpose, it's a little difficult to believe that Becquerel or GCat were actually able to deliberately guide the Earth in any particular direction. so there's a strong argument to be made that all these things go hand in hand but it's far from concrete. and it's interesting to think about edge cases. like, those countless worlds which had presumably yet to fulfil their ultimate purpose when the Tumor blew up.

i think the trolls probably do encounter a lot of first guardians in their space conquest, but I doubt it's the Condesce who personally has to deal with any of them, since her initial visits to alien worlds are usually "cordial" and full-scale invasion doesn't take place until after she's left. I have actually put thought into this before cus if we run with the assumption that most first guardians are in fact just animals then the fact that the Alternian military has an entire arm dedicated to animal communion kind of makes the process of subduing one into a total joke LOL. Tavros and Condy never had even a little bit of trouble taking control of Becquerel or GCat. it feels super plausible that this was even part of the reason the Cavalreapers were established in the first place.

Deltritus I honestly think is a tossup. Dirk is very obviously already Doc Scratching it up in terms of the planet literally having a guardian (with Rose and Terezi as second guardians/aunties) so a highly involved first guardian would be pretty much redundant. but with Dirk trying to replicate the key elements of Homestuck it wouldn't surprise me if creating one of those was also in his agenda, and if Deltritus IS heading toward a Sburb session for real then the established pattern would seem to dictate that they'll end up getting a first guardian anyway. all depends on whether the story wants to dedicate any time to that concept, and at this stage they could take it or leave it.

Gracilia does have a first guardian. I don't know if the trolls have ever come across it though. at the very least it wasn't a significant factor in colonisation. Becquerel was willing to sacrifice himself to blow up one meteor to save Jade but even that's really just because he was an especially loyal creature. can you really imagine he would become relevant if flying saucers descended upon London or something. imagine if the first guardian of Earth was like, a whale. how long would it take aliens to realise that the Earth happened to have ONE teleporting whale using space powers to warp krill into its mouth or whatever. this is basically what we're looking at with Gracilia's first guardian

[thisbuildinghasfeelings]

FINAL PREDICTIONS

Here are my final predictions for where each character will end up as the series comes to an end! I mostly believe that things are going to be ending happily for everyone. This is at least somewhat informed by a September interview with Rashad where he said their goal was to give us an "incredibly satisfying" ending that will give the audience the feeling "that we are leaving all of these people right where they should be at the end of their journeys." (More recently, Rashad has been hyping the possibility of characters dying, but he's never actually said with 100% certainty that a main character would die.) I may be too optimistic here, but WE'LL SEE.

If anyone wants to discuss, my ask box is open! Tell me your predictions!

TK—quits his job, adopts Jonah, happily ever after with his husband and

Carlos—adopts Jonah, happily ever after with his family 🥰

I think during the final episode he will be helping out at dispatch in some way, but there probably won't be any additional major events for him to end the series with, aside from becoming a dad.

Owen—There are 2 possible options, but he leaves his job regardless.

Option #1: He takes the New York job as planned.

Option #2: He gets offered a similar job in Austin.

I’m leaning towards Option #2 at this point because it felt like they were setting him up to change his mind. However, I don't feel entirely confident.

Tommy—did not die at the end of episode 11, suits up for what she'll believe to be the last time to help out post-asteroid, but will discover by the end that miraculously her cancer isn’t as bad as the doctor thought and she’s going to be ok.

Maybe the scan was read wrong. Maybe it was just swelling and the swelling went down. Maybe she goes in for another check and her tumor shrunk. I don't know. But if she isn’t dead now, I really doubt they’re going to kill her at all. She basically already had a death scene, so I don’t think they would do what would amount to killing her off twice in the span of two episodes! I feel fairly confident about this.

I guess there's also the possibility that they'll leave it open, since Rashad did say that they left some doors open to continue. If that's the case, I imagine that they will leave us with Tommy at least doing well enough that we can imagine her cancer quickly goes into remission.

Judd—becomes captain of the 126 when Owen takes a new job.

Maybe there will be a mention about Grace coming home soon, or maybe that will be left open since they did have a slight hope for a season 6 renewal as they were finishing up. They wouldn’t have known whether Sierra would be able to be part of that at the time they were filming, so they might not have wanted to promise Grace's imminent return.

Mateo—2 options: he either dies or has an NDE. If he survives, he won't be deported.

Leaning towards NDE right now based on some things said in interviews and just the general feeling that it would be too depressing to kill him partway through the final episode.

If he survives, I feel pretty sure he won’t actually be deported, so that just leaves the question of how he gets out of that. One possibility is that he and Nancy get married (even though this definitely wouldn’t stop deportation in real life). It seems like they probably brought up Nancy’s opposition to marriage for a reason. That reason could have been to set up Nancy changing her mind after Mateo almost dies…I think this is possible, but I don’t know if it’s most likely. They also may have brought it up simply to answer potential viewer questions if the general audience started to wonder why they didn’t just get married to stop the deportation.

Another possibility could be that they decide not to go through with the deportation after Mateo and the rest of the 126 save the city. This is again not something that would likely happen in real life, but it seems like something that could happen in the Lone Star universe. I think this would probably be my preferred outcome.

Nancy—Potentially marrying Mateo, if not then probably happily ever after in a long-term relationship with Mateo and as a member of the 126.

Since we see Tommy in captain dress uniform in BTS, Nancy probably won't be captain anymore at the end of the series, but I assume she would be poised to take over for Tommy when Tommy eventually retires.

Or if Mateo dies, Nancy will have a bittersweet ending mourning the man she loves yet still being part of the 126.

Paul—maybe a little more with Jax and then a happy ending as part of the 126.

Marjan—I think Marjan basically already got her happy ending in episode 10 so probably there won’t be any major new developments with her. Like Paul, it will probably just be a happy ending as part of the 126.

[daytaker]

NightBringer Satan is a Gift.

I understand everyone has their own opinions on how good/not good NB is as a game or a story or whatever, but in my opinion, Satan's characterization is soooo enhanced by it. I know that this isn't an opinion that everyone shares, but to me, Satan felt emotionally artificial sometimes in the original game (more on that below).* He felt kind of awkward and like he wanted to connect with MC but something was blocking the kind of connection they develop with some of the other brothers. (Disclaimer: I've only done season 1 of OG, so I can't speak to how he's characterized later on. I know, I know, shame. But I'm trying my best.) Getting to see what Satan is like when he doesn't have any control over his emotions makes the stiffness and artificiality make more sense to me, and they become admirable because we get to see just how hard it is for him to get everything under control.

I think they did a really good job with the pacing of his development in NB too. Satan in Lesson 1 and Satan in Lesson 19 are different, but there isn't a moment where he suddenly starts controlling his emotions better. I think there's a lot going on behind the scenes with him as far as his emotional growth and self control are concerned.

Also let's not forget some very important things about Satan that make him, IMO, one of the most interesting characters to work with as a writer:

Satan was never an angel; he had no fall from grace.

Satan was created from Lucifer's wrath---he is literally the product of trauma and self-mutilation.

Satan is significantly younger than his brothers.

He spent the first year of his life more or less trapped in a castle with his deeply emotionally wounded brothers.

He has a deep resentment towards Lucifer that sometimes defies reason---he wishes he didn't dedicate so much of his time and energy to him, but it's basically a compulsion.

He hates his deep association with Lucifer, and he hates that he has a lot in common with him.

And these lead me to some headcanons that live rent-free in my brain every day of my life.

Satan sees himself as a reminder of the Great Celestial War and everything his brothers lost in it, including Lilith.

He is divine retribution against Lucifer for his failure, for leading his brothers to failure, for letting his sister die.

He acts as a counterbalance to Lucifer's pride by bearing the weight of the shame that Lucifer can't fully accept now that he is the Avatar of Pride. Even if Lucifer pushes it out of his mind, Satan never forgets that he failed in the worst way possible.

His biggest aspiration is to become a full and complete person outside of any association he has with Lucifer. He feels like some sort of parasitic tumor that exists only in opposition to his brother, and he wants desperately to escape that role that he feels he was born into.

Anyway, Satan is great, hail Satan, all that good stuff. Did you know I have a lot of thoughts and opinions about Satan? I know, shocking. For more of my takes here's my fic about him (on AO3).

*I think Satan almost metaphorically represents certain elements of autism---emotions that don't come out the way you intend, masking and its limitations, hyperfixations that are barely under control. In Fandom Discourse(TM) there's sometimes a level of focus on more 'cutesy' autistic traits that we find endearing in characters, like social obliviousness and gleefully indulged hyperfixations. But emotional control, emotional masking, emotional seepage, emotional artificiality---these are also real and messy and often times they aren't cute and they're uncomfortable to see in yourself or in someone else. I really don't like diagnosing characters so I'm not about to claim Satan "is" autistic, but as someone who has been called essentially 'spectrum adjacent' by doctors, I relate to the awkwardness and the desire to appear normal despite knowing you're not and emotions spilling out in ugly ways---um. That got really long and personal.

[the-berries-and-the-plums]

birch trees is such a sweet song, and the innocent, youthful tone makes me think susan’s romanticism—her need to experience life as a story—comes from a much younger, more vulnerable part of her. rolling up birch tree bark like a cigar and using it to whistle a birdsong isn’t just poetic flourish; it’s play, like something a grandparent might teach a young child. susan, distant from her grandmama growing up, perhaps never got to have that kind of childhood experience. now, she is free to provide that joy and magic of play to herself. even common annoyances, like getting gravel in your shoe, are rewritten as moments of magic and whimsy, personifying the gravel as “nibbling on your toes.” in happy/crazy, she expresses how much she loves the freedom to “laugh and play and sing and swing,” now that “the world is away”,—not just an embrace of joy, but a reclamation of something lost.

i think that her need to be part of a grand, whimsical story (real af btw) probably comes from childhood. her ability to effortlessly access this childlike wonder, to see magic in the everyday, to shape her life into a storybook fable—this has probably always been how she protects herself from uncertainty, both moral and existential (“nonfiction is harder than fiction”). narrativizing isn’t just how she makes sense of things; it’s how she holds onto that younger self who still feels safest in the immersive, magical embrace of a good story, shielding her from being swallowed by grief and uncertainty. it’s also probably why she became a novelist, drawn as she was to the allure of storytelling. the tragedy is that in doing so, she also walls herself off from real connection. because to let life happen outside the boundaries of a controlled story is to risk pain, to risk being a character instead of the author—reacting instead of deciding, swept along instead of shaping. but stories are meant to be shared; they are fundamentally about connection. for susan, they often become a fortress (a clochán?) rather than a bridge.

this part of her is terrified of losing control of her own story, which is why she chooses to divorce julian rather than follow him, even though she has no real reason for staying in new york. if she moves for julian, she’s neither the author nor the main character of the story anymore; she’s a secondary character in his. for someone whose sense of self is so deeply tied to authorship, this isn’t just a practical or emotional dilemma—it’s a fundamental threat to her identity. for this part of her, co-creating a story with julian—one of their move, rather than his move—is not even an option; there must be a singular, undisputed truth.

but this part of her isn’t inherently wrong, or regressive, or unhealthy. we can see that this part isn’t just about protection; it’s deeply creative and generative. it’s what allows her to find joy and pleasure, even in the middle of the trauma of a global pandemic, to feel connected to her grandmama in a way she was never able to before. the cause of her pain and tormented rumination isn’t this part of her—it’s the way she pushes it away, pathologizes it (“trying to trace the tumor,” “the demon inside of me”), demands justification for it (“why am i like this?”), shames it (“i know that i shouldn’t be happy”).

maybe if susan can “dance” with this part of herself (her ‘wolf’), she can help it to become “unstuck” from its rigid habits, to recognize that now, as an adult, she has other strategies she can rely on, and to invite it to take on a new role. maybe then it can stop carrying the burden of hypervigilance, of being a ‘firefighter’ tasked with extinguishing “the bubble of panic inside” whenever uncertainty rears its head. perhaps it could trust that it’s safe to let go a bit and do what it really longs to: to honor the wonder and magic in the everyday, to help susan tell her story on her own terms, to fuel her creativity rather than control her life.