#also the kind that keeps a lot of things for the memories

[hoonieyun]

loving you is forever ⋆˚ʚɞ

pairing: lee heeseung x reader 𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ ♡

synopsis: after a one night stand leaves you with a lasting memory of the boy you left behind in the name of your daughter, heejin. you finally decide that it was time to move back home to south korea after living abroad for the last 5 years. reuniting with your old friends was everything you could've wished for as they welcomed you and your daughter; but you don't think you could ever prepare yourself to face the father of your child.

warnings: profanity, kissing, suggestive, mentions of hooking up/one night stands, drinking, characters are in their late 20s, absent father!heeseung (but its not his fault) implying that they didn't use a condom (wrap it up!!), overall 18+

genre: single mom!reader x heeseung, old friends to lovers, kind of exes to lovers, one night stand, angst, romance, drama, hurt/comfort, slow burn-ish

wc: 16558 (idk what happened i swear i blanked out writing this)

hoonieyun notes: she's finally here djfkd it took so long to finish this because i didn't want to rush it and feel like i just had to get it done to get it done. i really hope you all enjoyed this piece of work, i loved writing it and i just want to say: happy valentine's day!! you are all so deserving to be loved and surrounded by those who love you <3

the days of being in seoul, south korea felt just like yesterday when you were a college student awake at 3am eating a hot bowl of ramen after a long night of studying. ramen was your favorite thing back then but as you’ve gotten older, the days of being a broke college student turned into meticulous routine based days where all your focus went to raising your daughter, heejin. 

ramen was your favorite, past tense. 

you cut the habit of eating ramen so often because you needed to choose healthier options for yourself, setting an example for your daughter that although convenient and inexpensive, eating instant ramen so often wasn’t the healthiest for you. 

even though you were her mom, your daughter taught you a lot and you were constantly learning as you grew together. she taught you new habits that made living better like learning to take it easy and lounging around the house with your favorite snacks while watching your favorite show was the best way to clear your head and relax. 

you also learned that your previous lifestyle of putting others over yourself was something that would stay with you as you’d do anything for your daughter even if it meant that you sacrifice things that are meant for you if it means that your daughter would have what she wanted. 

the air when stepping outside of the airport is crisp, the snow has melted into a thin layer of water coating the ground and it’s slightly cold but nothing a puffer coat couldn’t fix. you looked over to your daughter who was fiddling with the zipper on her own puffer coat, “bambi, you have to keep your jacket on or you’ll get sick.” you softly tell your daughter as you crouch down to her level, zipping her coat back up and adjusting the hood of her hoodie that she had layered under. she pouts to herself but ultimately knows better than to argue because she knows mom is right and because she hates being sick. 

when heejin was 4 years old, she had gotten a cold for the first time and although she enjoyed being at home cuddled up under a fuzzy blanket with her favorite plush toy; she hated having a runny nose and being forced to take the yucky medicine, her words not yours– although you agree. 

your phone rings and karina’s contact photo lights up on the screen, “hi, yn! i’m here, what pick-up area are you at?” she asks on the other end of the phone, slightly louder than usual so you assume she’s yelling into her car’s built in phone call feature to avoid having to drive with her phone in her hand. you tell her that you’re at arrivals 12 and soon enough you can see karina driving up to you and heejin in her silver suv. karina is your best friend, sister even, you have known each other since you were little, even though she was only a few months older than you she was often that older sister you never had, guiding you through new experiences together and you just wished that when you grew up together, you realized sooner that she was also navigating those new experiences alongside you. 

“yn!! it’s been so long!!!” karina cheers as she steps out of her car, rounding the vehicle to give you a warm hug, rocking the two of you side to side as you wrap your own arms around her. “been too long.” she says, emphasizing the words like you were away for a long time. in a lot of ways you were. 5 years is a lot of time away from someone but to you those 5 years went by so much faster.

“is this heejin?” she asks, crouching down to your daughter so she can greet the child. “hi heejin, im aunt karina but you can call me rina, ok?” she says, softly shaking heejin’s small hand with two fingers. “hi auntie rina!” heejin says happily, throwing her hands into the air with a smile. 

your daughter was probably the most cheerful and joyful child you’ve ever met. she never threw fits, rarely cried after the age of 2, and was very social with strangers. flashing her cute smile that would instantly melt stranger’s hearts garnering you a, “such a cute baby!” every time they’d see her. 

karina stands back up straight and helps you pack your luggage into her trunk, “is this all you brought?” she asks and you explain that you didn’t want to pack too many things because moving with a lot of belongings would make it difficult. you had only flown with 4 suitcases and had 2 boxes shipped over from your old home. opting to only take what truly was important and other material things could simply just be repurchased. 

you and karina share another hug before strapping your daughter into her carseat and taking a seat into the passenger side of the car. you and karina catch up like no time has passed, acting like you two were only separated for a few days when in reality it was 5 years. of course the two of you spoke on the phone every now and then while you were abroad but the time difference interfered. 

“how was seattle? do you miss it already?” she asks and you have to think about the question. do you miss seattle? or were you happy to be back. 

“i'm not sure to be honest. i don’t think ive been away long enough to miss it yet.” you simply say and she nods, “well i know you must’ve seoul. i know we missed you.” she says, glancing over to you 

you smile at her remark and tell her that you’ve missed korea and her a lot. those 5 years in seattle went by fast because of your daughter but being away from all of your friends and even your parents was tough. you stayed with your aunt and uncle who lived in seattle who so kindly opened their home for you and 2 years after giving birth to heejin, you had enough saved up to get the two of you a small but perfect 1 bedroom apartment. it was enough for the two of you but to your daughter it was like she was living in a castle; and that’s all that mattered– knowing your daughter was happy. 

“you ok?” karina asks and you’re brought back to reality. “yeah, just reminiscing i guess.” you respond and karina chuckles. 

“don’t tell me you’re already thinking about going back? you can’t leave just yet, i’m not letting you go.” karina retorts and the two of you burst out into laughter. you reassure her that you weren’t going to leave korea any time soon and that you’d have ample amount of time together to catch up and make so many more memories. 

“plus, i’ve got 5 years to catch up with my favorite niece. right, heejin?” she asks, looking over to your daughter in the rearview mirror. “yes aunty rina!” heejin says cheerfully. you laugh at them both and give karina a funny look, “she’s your only niece dude.” you say and karina shrugs, “and? she’s still my favorite!”. 

the rest of the car ride is filled with more chit chatting and laughing, happy that the two of you are finally reunited and that you weren’t separated by thousands of miles. soon enough karina is pulling up to your home and she’s quite impressed. while living in the states you had saved enough money to purchase a beautiful home here in seoul. 

it’s not the biggest but it has everything you need for you and your daughter. it has 2 rooms and 2 bathrooms, an office space for your work, a big living room with enough space for your daughter to run around in and a backyard for the same reasons. you were happy to have gotten to this point in your life and you were so happy to have a life like this with your daughter. 

karina doesn’t stay long after dropping you off, only staying to help you bring in your things, and do a small tour of your home. “i promise i’ll come back tomorrow! i’ve just got some things i need to finish for work.” she explains and you let her know that it’s fine and thank her endlessly for picking up you and your daughter from the airport. you and heejin wave her goodbye as she drives away. 

you walk back inside still carrying heejin on your hip. “alright, bambi. it’s just you and me, and our new home.” you say softly and heejin smiles at you. 

“just you and me mama!” she says and it makes you smile as you nuzzle your nose with hers. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

the next few days are filled with unpacking boxes, waiting for deliveries of furniture and food, and exploring the neighborhood and town. your car was delivered on your 2nd day back in seoul so thankfully you didn’t have to wait around at home or feel guilty of asking karina to drive you around places since she had her own fair share of responsibilities. 

your other friends have asked you when they could come visit, especially your cousin; jay– who said, “i can’t believe you let karina see my niece and she’s not even blood!” when he found out karina met your daughter before your cousin. 

karina was like your sister but jay was actually blood. jay is your cousin on your mom’s side and you had stayed with his parents while living in seattle until you were able to get a place of your own. he’s a few years younger than you but he was always the wiser of the two of you; he was like the angel on the shoulder of life while you were the devil– however you weren’t evil… just chaotic. 

you, jay, and karina all grew up together so you all had a bond that's unbreakable. people often made comments about how jay was the gentleman he is because of all the women he grew up around and you’d agree. he was the kindest and most mature boy you know and even when he loosened up a bit and got chaotic like you, he was always the level-headed and mature jongseong at the end of the day. 

when you would sneak out with boys in high school, jay would cover for you. 

when you got in trouble for getting a C- on your chemistry exam, jay vouched for you and said that the chemistry teacher at your high school was sexist and punished all the girls in the class. 

when you found out you were pregnant, jay was the first person you called and was right by your side every step of the way up until you were boarding the plane to seattle. 

jay was your rock and you wished he was your brother but a cousin would suffice just as long as he was always there for you. 

you’re about 90% moving into your new home, the last thing that needs to be completed was just tossing out all of the trash and recycling that has accumulated from all of the items you bought or takeout that you’ve been getting so you didn’t have to worry about cooking for the first week of moving back. 

you’ve invited jay over for dinner after he’s insisted on cooking dinner for you and your daughter, claiming that he wants to make a good impression on his niece so he wasn’t necessarily going to take no as an answer, and honestly– a home cooked meal by jay sounded nice. he was a great cook, excellent even, you? not so much. 

you knew how to cook a variety of things but most of it was out of convenience so that you weren’t always eating takeout. your daughter was simple when it came to her taste buds and favorite foods, 80% of the time she just wants to eat chicken and thankfully she doesn’t complain much about having to eat vegetables. however, never brussel sprouts. she hates brussel sprouts. 

it’s around 5PM when you’ve finished putting all of your trash bags outside, giving you just a half hour to freshen up your daughter and you before jay would be arriving. he felt apologetic for not being able to help you move in but you told him that he had nothing to feel sorry for and that you knew he had a busy schedule ever since he took over his dad’s company at the beginning of the year. jay’s dad owned a construction company in seoul and although jay had different passions like music and fashion, he was the type of child to never refuse his parent’s wishes and eventually accepted that he would become the owner when he grew up so there was no point in arguing with his dad. 

he was an only child so it was hard not to feel bad for him and see that he had so many things he wanted to do for his life but was often shortsighted and left responsible for whatever his parents wanted because he was their only child. 

that was probably why you often felt like you needed to bring jay out of shell and loosen up a bit. being so caught up with the responsibilities he had at home, you wanted to make sure that he still had fun as a teenager because his life as an adult was already planned out for him. 

when jay turned 16 you spent all of your christmas money on a guitar he had been talking about for months. jay rarely cried but you remember the pure joy and gratitude in his eyes when he unwrapped the box and saw the familiar leather case he had seen so many times at the guitar shop. you swore you could see his eyes glow from excitement when he unclasped the guitar case and finally saw the instrument on the inside. the fender eric clapton stratocaster electric guitar shined onto his face and you’d never forget the smile on his face as he set aside the guitar next to him so he could get up and give you a hug. telling you how grateful he was and that no one would know how much that gift meant to him besides you. 

after changing yourself and your daughter into a fresh pair of clothes, jay was ringing your doorbell. he barely greets you when you answer the door, placing the bags of ingredients into your arms when you open them for a hug and instead he runs into your home to scoop up his niece into his arms. 

“jinjin!” jay says as he carries her above his head. a nickname they both came up with whenever they’d facetime. 

“uncle jayjay!” she says, giggling at him as he gently tossed her into the air and hugged each other. “yeah i’m here too y’know!” you say, narrowing your eyes at your cousin as you put the bag of groceries down onto your kitchen counter. 

“yn-ieee!!” jay says, setting your daughter down onto the counter next to the groceries and giving you a hug of your own. “been so long cousin!” he says and you hum in agreement. 

“well it’s not like you couldn’t come visit me in seattle!” you say teasingly and jay rolls his eyes, “oh, please! you wouldn’t even let me no matter how hard i tried– plus you know how busy i got after dad passed over the company.” he says and although he didn’t mean it in that way, you felt a slight tinge of guilt. 

“i know, i know jong, just teasing. i missed you.” you say, hugging him again but this time ruffling his hair like you used to do when you were younger. 

“so what’s on the menu today, chef?” you ask as you help him unpack the groceries. 

“yeah, uncle. jinjin hungry!” your daughter says and you and your cousin laugh at your daughter’s remark. as she’s gotten older and has begun watching toddler shows, she’s picked up on their habits of speaking in 3rd person. 

“well, jinjin. uncle jayjay is going to make you ravioli and meatballs. sound good?” he asks, staring at your daughter with a box of ravioli pasta in his hand. 

“ravioli?” she asks and jay nods.

“right, you’re 5; you don’t know what that is.” he mutters and you just chuckle. 

“come on, heejin. why don’t we set up the table while uncle cooks, hmm?” you ask and she nods eagerly– always excited to be a part of the activity in some way or another just as long as she’s included. 

“i want the pink plate!” heejin says as she raises her arms so you could pick her up off the counter and set her on the ground. while you and heejin were at ikea shopping for home supplies, she saw a pink plate with the face of a pig on the top and the tail on the bottom and just had to have it. and honestly, your daughter looked so cute looking at it that you couldn’t say no. as a matter of fact, the plate wasn’t even very expensive and it was cute so it wasn’t a hard decision to say yes. 

jay doesn’t take long to finish cooking dinner; knowing to choose something quick and easy to make so that he could feed the two of you and so he could have ample time to hang out with his niece. 

needless to say, heejin loved the ravioli and was completely baffled at how they got the cheese inside of the pasta– constantly asking jay how they did it as if it was some sort of magical spell to create a ravioli. 

after dinner is over and your daughter insists on dessert, the three of you enjoy some ice cream even though it’s still winter and with jay’s help in convincing you because “ice cream tastes good in every season”. you offered to wash the dishes since jay cooked you dinner and although he insisted on washing the dishes, you told him that it was okay since he could spend more time with his niece instead– to which he didn’t argue. 

the rest of the night was filled with giggles as jay got to hang out with his niece outside of a phone screen. learning so much about her and how similar he was to you. he even got the opportunity to put her to bed when she got sleepy after watching bambi, her favorite movie. 

“bambi, huh?” he asks after the two of you quietly slip out of her bedroom.

“yes… bambi. it’s her favorite movie so i nicknamed her bambi…” you respond, trying to avoid his stare. 

“no other reason?” he asks and you shoot him a glare. “alright alright. i’ll drop it. it’s a cute nickname anyway.” he confesses and you mutter a small thank you, thankful that he’s not prying any longer. 

“i know, she’s cute like a baby deer, what can i say?” 

you and jay find your way into the kitchen, putting away the dishes from the dishwasher and beginning a new topic of conversation. 

“does everyone know you’re back?” jay asks genuinely, not intending to allude to a certain person from your past. 

“yeah, karina and ningning know. i spoke to jake and hoon yesterday and i told them i’d come up with a day they could all come over for dinner.” you explain. 

you had a close friend group going into college. you, karina, and jay all grew up together and early during college you had met ningning, jake, sunghoon, and another… friend. 

the seven of you were inseparable and were always together despite having completely different college majors. you, ningning, and karina all moved in together for the last half of your college career while the guys did the same. you’re all older now and have all of your own lives but most of them kept in touch with you after you decided to move away all of a sudden. 

opting to not ask questions out of respect but always making sure to check up on you every once in a while. 

“should i reopen the groupchat? haven’t seen the silly seven back together in a while.” and just as fast as the words leave his mouth, jay regrets it just as fast. he notices you tense up a bit as you’re putting some dishes away into the cupboard and he realizes he’s made a mistake bringing up your original seven friend group. a certain member becomes a tainted memory inside of your heart that you wished to not remember but are forced to remember in the most endearing and loving way. 

someone you wished you could leave in the past but you’re glad you chose not to as the memory continues to live through your daughter. 

“um, i’ll let you know. i’ve got some things i need to finish up before i start reuniting fully with everyone– plus i still need to get heejin caught up on all of her medical stuff for school so…” you begin to say and jay catches on. 

“ahh, don’t worry about it! just got a bit excited to see everyone back together again. i’ll look forward to it when it comes.” jay says, softly rubbing your back and offering you a smile that you return. 

“thanks jay…” you mutter quietly as you try to avoid his gaze. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

after three weeks of being back home in korea, you’ve finally gotten somewhat of a routine down as you’ve settled into your new home and neighborhood. you’ve got pretty accustomed to being back in korea and although it’s only been five years since the last time you were here; a lot has changed within those five years. 

you’d wake up on weekdays around 6am to get your day started, making breakfast and your daughter's school lunch before you woke her up at 7am to get her ready for school. she hadn’t started school yet back in the states so you wanted to ensure that you enrolled her into school once you had settled into your home. 

she was surprisingly excited to start school and make new friends. her favorite part of kindergarten so far was break time when she and her classmates would spend 30 minutes a day at the playground. she’d come home with unruly hair opposite of the sleek bun or pigtails she had previously had when you dropped her off. 

when your daughter was at school you’d spend the day cleaning around the home, finishing up the last parts of your move that had to do with papers and legal stuff, and would spend the rest of the time before your daughter got off school to run errands like going to the market or getting used to driving around your neighborhood. 

it's about an hour before your daughter is off of school so you decide to quickly freshen up before heading over to pick her up. 

today, you had plans to have an early dinner with karina as you hadn’t seen her since you had gotten there so it was due time to catch up now that you’ve settled in for the most part. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

“where are we going, mama?” heejin asks as you help her into her car seat. “getting dinner with auntie rina, remember?” you remind your daughter and she cheers, excited that she gets to see her auntie rina again. 

“why are we eating early? i want chicken!” she says and you just chuckle at her. “ok, i’ll get you chicken, ok?” you say, kissing your thumb and putting it towards her and your daughter does the same, connecting your thumbs, at the same time the two of you turn your hands 180 degrees with your thumbs pointing downwards so that your hands make the shape of a heart.

it was a small gesture the two of you did, a small way to be connected with your daughter through a special handshake between mother and daughter. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

dinner was filled with laughter as you watched your daughter and karina bond over chicken, your daughter having the time of her life with all of the different flavors of chicken; her favorite being the cheese flavored one. 

“so, when are we getting the gang back together?” karina asks as she places another piece of chicken on heejin’s plate, the both of you watching your daughter pick up the piece of chicken and munch on it like her life depended on it. you tried to tiptoe around her question, afraid that it would only lead to the inevitable that you were constantly postponing. 

karina waves her hand in front of your face as she realizes you’ve somewhat spaced out and reiterates her question, “um.. i’m not sure. i really want to see everyone but you know..” your voice getting quiet at the end of your sentence as you realize only jay, your cousin, knew who heejin’s father was. 

your friends knew of your longtime crush on heeseung when you were all in college and all somewhat knew that you’ve avoided him because of some reason that you haven’t told them. there were theories amongst the friends of why you no longer spoke to heeseung but only jay knew the reason. your friends didn’t want to pry but curiosity always filled their minds whenever they would think about you or see the photos you posted online of you and your daughter. with all of the theories they came up with, no one seemed to put together the most obvious reason and you’d rather keep that way. 

it wasn’t that you didn’t want any of them to know, you just weren’t ready for them to know and aren’t entirely sure when you’d be ready. karina noticed your shift in behavior with her question and chose to ask any more questions. the rest of the dinner was karina giving you suggestions on things you and your daughter could do like activities, sports and extracurriculars, and whatnot. 

“i’ll see you soon, ok?” karina says while giving your daughter a warm hug. the two of you bid each other goodbye and go your separate ways. karina’s question weighs on your mind heavily as you drive home, thinking about how long you could keep this a secret from your friends and also hide the fact that you were back in town from heeseung who just seemed to constantly be on your mind since you’ve arrived back in korea. 

a part of you wanted to see him, you missed him so much, the way he made you laugh, the way he knew you so well that he used to always bring you breakfast during your 8am lectures because you loved to sleep in until the last minute so you never ate breakfast, the way he knew when you were sad, the way he knew you were uncomfortable, everything. 

he knew you so well but that night, that unfortunate night, it seemed that he was the person that knew you the least in the world. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

a few days after your dinner with karina and some encouragement from jay, you finally decided to send out invites to all of your friends to come over for dinner. your place was getting to a point where it was feeling like home and you wanted your daughter to meet some of the most important people in your life. you obviously weren’t going to invite heeseung but you thought about it and you quickly found yourself shutting down that idea. 

“hi guys! please let me know if you’re free this saturday around 6pm! i’d love for all of you to come over for dinner and meet heejin! if it’s okay could you all bring a small dish? heejin isn’t picky but she is allergic to fish so keep that in mind. she’s very excited to meet her uncles and aunties!”

karina: i’m always free for you! minjeong: i’ll bring the chicken hehe jake: lets goo!! can’t wait to meet little yn! sunghoon: i already know i’m gonna be her favorite uncle jay: yeah right i’m her favorite already, nice try bro

all of their responses made you smile and for once you weren’t stricken with the anxiety of the past and how all of this could crumble down onto you– but you were dedicated to not letting that happen. you missed your friends dearly and being surrounded by your loved ones you haven’t seen in years was long overdue. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

friday rolls around a lot sooner than you expected, which you didn’t mind because it was all you were looking forward to after spending the weekdays trying your best not to spiral. you were constantly thinking about what would happen if they brought up heeseung or if he miraculously showed up unannounced and uninvited. you made several dishes as the main course and set up your kitchen so that everyone could eat buffet style. 

there were rolls of kimbap that your daughter helped you prepare, tofu stew simmering low on the stove to keep it warm, and other food that you knew your friends and your daughter loved. 

as the day went by and the time that your friends would all slowly start arriving would come, you noticed that heejin seemed to be antsy. like something was bothering her, she was constantly squirming around unable to find a comfortable seat at the dinner table, the couch, or even her favorite bean bag chair designed to look like a peach. she was fidgeting with the hem of her dress so much to the point that she had pulled a loose thread, causing the dress to tear. you were more worried than upset, it was just a piece of fabric it didn’t matter if it broke, although you did keep a mental note not to buy from that store again; so you sat her down to talk about it. 

“bambi.. what’s wrong?” you asked her as you helped her change into new clothes, something she had chosen and although it was more casual than the previous attire she had on; she was way more comfortable in it. she shook her head with a pout, indicating she either didn’t want to talk about it or that there wasn’t anything wrong– and considering her actions moments ago, it was the latter. 

“you don’t have to tell me what’s wrong but just know mommy is here for you ok? i don’t want my little bambi to be sad or upset and feel like she can’t talk to mom about her problems..” you told her softly, fixing her hair as it had gotten slightly messed up while you dressed your daughter. heejin was everything to you, she was your life and blood, she was your light and you’d be damned if you ever made your daughter feel like she couldn’t fully be herself or come to her own mother to help her fix her problems. 

even though heejin was still young, you made sure to make an emphasis on communication with your daughter, teaching her to articulate her feelings and emotions in a way that was healthy to her and those around her– and for the most part, she did that. she often told you if she was uncomfortable or if she was feeling upset about something as small as her socks making her feel itchy– but right now; she wasn’t communicating to you why she was acting the way she was and it left you stumped. 

you weren’t necessarily sure how to go about it. you didn’t want to pressure your daughter to tell you what was wrong but the mother inside of you couldn’t continue without knowing what was bothering your daughter and how you could alleviate her troubles. “are you ok, heejin?” you ask and she once again shakes her head. 

“can you tell mom what’s bothering you?” you asked, lightly patting your daughter's head as you finished doing her hair. 

she looks up at you with her big doe eyes and for a second you see the uncanny resemblance of her and her father. “mama, who is my dad?” the question comes as a shock to you because although she had asked before, she’s never let the absence of her father trouble her the way it has now. your mouth slightly opens at her question but you quickly recollect yourself so she doesn’t notice your demeanor falter, afraid that your expression could cause her more worry if she was to realize how you reacted to her question. 

you so desperately wanted to comfort your daughter, tell her everything you knew about her father and how he lived only miles away; but you couldn’t bring yourself to do that. it may seem selfish, and it was, but you simply weren’t ready to have that conversation with your daughter. even if it broke your heart to see her pleading eyes begging you for a single crumb of information on her dad, you couldn’t do it. it caused you an immense amount of pain to deny your daughter something she seemed to want so badly. 

“bambi, why the sudden interest?” you ask and she goes on to explain that when she was waiting to get picked up from school that day, she saw all of her classmates getting picked up by their dads and it got her thinking of her own, more specifically, the absence of her own father. 

your heart broke even more at her words but you chose to give her the answer that you’ve given her several other times she asked in the past. 

“bambi, your papa may not be here but he’s always in your heart, ok?” and you were glad that it provided her some form of comfort because it seemed like she knew you were going to say that so she closed her eyes and gently placed her small hand over her heart. it was moments like this that made you question yourself as a mother. denying your daughter from someone who was half of her all because of your own selfish intention and pain that you aren’t able to heal from. 

the two of you share another tender moment as you engulf your daughter into your arms for a warm embrace and try your best to get her to smile, which was fairly easy as your daughter was very ticklish. 

just in time, your doorbell rings indicating that some of your friends have arrived so you decide to carry your daughter to your front door to greet everyone. you gently rub her back to further soothe her worries, hoping that the emotional and vulnerable moment the two of you just shared didn’t cause her anymore worries despite the fact that she still had that longing look in her eyes. waiting for the day she could get the answer she was looking for and the day she’d get to meet her dad. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

you’re carrying your daughter in your arms as you open the door to welcome your friends and all of their eyes light up at the sight of you and your daughter. one by one they file inside of your home with a dish in their hands, greeting you and heejin with bright warm smiles. you return with a smile of your own as heejin waves at the strangers entering your home who she will grow to learn are the aunts and uncles that would love her and support her as she grows older. 

once everyone has gotten inside, you point to where they could all settle the dishes they brought and soon enough you’re setting heejin down to introduce her to everyone. 

“heejin, you know auntie karina and uncle jay, right?” you ask her while you crouch down to her, she nods her head in agreement, slightly shy as she still doesn’t know the several other people in the room. 

“this is uncle jake, he has a really big puppy, you like puppies right?” and once again she’s nodding but this time with a smile as she gets excited at the mention of  a dog. when heejin started to learn how to speak, one of the first words she spoke was “dog” and would later on constantly ask you to get her dog when she learned how to form full sentences. 

“heejin, i’ll introduce you to my dog, ok?” jake says with a smile and she cheers, happy that she finally gets to play with a dog since you wouldn’t let her get one of her own. 

“this one is auntie minjeong, can you say hi to her?” you ask and heejin shyly waves her hand and when minjeong waves back and asks if she can have a high five, heejin gives her one excitedly as you’ve taught her that high fives were a gesture of encouragement and sharing a high five with a friend was a good thing so she instantly felt happy when minjeong asked for one, already identifying her auntie minjeong as a friend. 

lastly, you point to sunghoon, “that’s uncle sunghoon, you like the snow right? uncle sunghoon is really good at ice skating.” you explain and her eyes and mouth widen at the thought of ice skating. “ice skating? do you make snow angels?” she asks and it causes the lot of you to laugh; to which sunghoon nods and tells her that he’ll teach her how to make some of her own. 

introductions go very well and heejin is calling everyone auntie and uncle in no time, opening up and breaking out of her shyness once she chats with your best friends some more as she tries all of the food they’ve brought. 

“yn, all this food is amazing by the way but you should’ve let us help more or at least bring more food so you didn’t have to cook so much!” minjeong says as she’s putting away her dish into your sink. 

“yeah, yn. this is delicious but next time let us take care of all of it okay? we’ll be sure to bring all the food that heejin likes. heejin, what’s your favorite food?” jake asks her and she cutely raises the chicken wing in her hand and shouts chicken and once again the room is filled with laughter because of your daughter’s cuteness. you were so happy to see your daughter being accepted by everyone, not necessarily because you thought they wouldn’t but because for the time that you’ve been gone; you were afraid that this drastic change in your life would affect the dynamic between you and your friends. 

but it didn’t. 

at least not completely. 

jake is slurping on his noodles when he suddenly says, “yo, heeseung brought me these noodles one time; it was so good we should all go some time.” and at the mention of heeseung’s name you’re almost frozen in your spot at the table. 

the room is instantly silent when they notice your attitude shift after hearing heeseung’s name. no one besides jay really knows what happened between the two of you and even then you’ve left out certain details from the story because you couldn’t bear to relive the pain from that night just so that someone could fully understand why you did what you did. 

sunghoon shoves jake lightly at his careless action and he soon realizes why the room had fallen silent, he glances over at you with an apologetic look followed by a string of apologies, “i’m so sorry, yn. i shouldn’t have brought him up- i wasn’t thinking.” jake says and you shake your head explaining that it was okay and that he had nothing to apologize for. 

“it’s fine, jake. he and i just don’t talk anymore.” you leave it at that and everyone chooses not to pry because it was truly none of their business. 

before the night ends you all take a group photo with heejin in the middle, you decided to have her sit on your shoulders as your friends crowd around her with warm smiles that could be felt through the photo. you were so happy to see the happiness radiate through the image that you didn’t necessarily care that all of your friends were quick to post that photo, the possibility of heeseung seeing it nowhere in your mind because you were more focused on the love that your friends were giving you and your daughter. 

you bid goodbye to your friends but not before you pack them their own little containers with leftovers because it was way more than what you and your daughter could finish alone. heejin happily waved goodbye to her aunties and uncles and had long forgotten about the sad moment the two of you shared before this dinner. 

she was so happy to meet them and to her they were all just her friends. your friends are equally as happy to meet your daughter and be a part of her life and yours again. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

on the other side of the city, heeseung is scrolling through his social media alone in his bed when he scrolls past the group photo you all took on several accounts. a pang of jealousy budding in his chest as he sees you in the center, happily carrying your daughter on your shoulders. 

heeseung couldn’t help but feel left out but all he could think about was why you hadn’t let him know you were back in town after disappearing for the last five years? 

so, he does what he thinks is right and opens the groupchat he has with the boys. 

“yo, you guys free tomorrow? wanna grab lunch?” heeseung taps into his phone and presses send and in a few minutes, sunghoon, jay, and jake are all responding to heeseung’s text. 

they all coordinate a plan to have lunch the next day. heeseung plans to let it come naturally, bring you up as smoothly as he can without coming off like he wanted to hang out with the guys just to find out information about you. 

but he knew deep down that he was going to get the information he needed one way or the other. 

even if it made him feel crazy because love makes you do crazy things. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

when the next day rolls around and heeseung is making his way to lunch, he realizes that his dreams that night were filled with one thing: you. 

he dreamt about all the ways he wanted to make up for lost time, he dreamt of past memories, he dreamt of you and he slept soundly knowing that you were so happy in his dreams. only hoping that he could make you as happy in real life like how you were in his dreams. 

you were truly the girl of his dreams and now that you were back; he wasn’t going to let you go so easily like last time. 

“whats up guys!” heeseung says as he walks over to the guys who had gotten a table for the four of them. they were all browsing the menu when heeseung arrived and they all did their usual greetings, asking how one another was and all of the normal things. 

they soon order food and jay could tell that heeseung was a bit antsy, sending glances over to jake and sunghoon with a gesture to look at heeseung and they do; realizing his leg hasn’t stopped bouncing since he sat down and he was chewing on his nails– something that he’s never done in the past. 

heeseung could no longer wait, he just had to ask about you even if it made the air between all of them awkward. “so..” he begins and jay cuts him off before he could finish. 

“heeseung, i know you’re going to ask about yn.” jay says and heeseung stops in the middle of his sentence, his mouth slightly ajar as those words leave jay’s mouth. he’s shocked that they knew, was he being less subtle than he thought? or was he just that predictable. 

heeseung and you were inseparable when you were younger, you couldn’t take one without the other coming along, the true meaning of  a package deal. but when you left, heeseung was left with so many questions, none of which could be answered by you as you cut off communication with him completely. 

the rest of lunch consists of the guys informing heeseung about you, small details that they thought you’d be comfortable with sharing with heeseung, and although heeseung wanted to learn more; he was happy to learn anything new about you since you’ve been gone for the last five years. 

they could tell that heeseung’s love for you never died or diminished in any way possible. when you first left, heeseung was a wreck and if they didn’t think he loved you then; his reaction to you leaving solidified that. he didn’t sleep, he cried almost everyday and he would try to write you letters even when he didn’t have an address to send them to. 

it wasn’t until about a year after you had left that heeseung started to somewhat go back to normal. he stopped moping around and he returned to the heeseung all of your friends once knew. but deep down, he and all your friends knew that he would never be the same without you in his life. he threw himself into his work and other priorities to distract himself so he didn’t have to think about you but in the end, it always came back to you. 

he’d be walking on the street and would pass by your favorite restaurant and he’d think about you. 

a song would play and he’d be reminded about all of the times you two would dance and sing along to it. 

he’d see a cloud shaped like an animal in the sky and would remember all of the times you two would spend hours laying on the grass and spotting clouds shaped like whatever your mind could identify it as. 

everything he saw reminded him of you and although it hurt him to think about you, thinking about you was the only thing keeping you close to him when you were unknowingly so far away. 

when the four of them part ways from lunch, jay pulls heeseung aside for a quick chat before he leaves, “hey, i shouldn’t tell you this but…” jay says, whispering something to heeseung and sending him a text. heeseung’s eyes widen at the text and he’s instantly bringing jay into a hug, thanking him for whatever it was jay had told him. 

“yeah, yeah.. don’t make me regret this, she is my cousin; i’ll beat your ass if you fuck this up.” he warns and although he was slightly joking; jay was speaking with some truth because he knew how much all of this affected two people that were so important in his life. 

heeseung slept with a smile on his face later that night, not only because he was excited to be able to see you in his dreams again, but also because of what he had planned for tomorrow morning. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

“heejin! let’s go, bambi!” you call for your daughter as you slide your shoes on. heejin appears with her backpack dragging behind her, taking a seat next to you so she can put her shoes on to which you help her. you’re about to bring her to school, glancing at the clock near your front door when you realize you’ve only got 20 minutes to get her there. 

when you open the door, however, you’re met with a face that you hadn’t prepared yourself to see, at least not for a long time from now. 

“heeseung?” you ask as you look at him, standing at your front door with a smile on his face, flowers in his hand, and eyes as bright as they were when the two of you first met. 

“hi, yn.. long time no see.” heeseung responds, a sheepish grin on his face as he’s finally able to see you for the first time in five years. “sorry, i need to take heejin to school.” you explain, slightly moving him out of the way to lock the door and make your way to your car. 

“let me take you?” he offers and although a part of you wants to deny, you know that heeseung has always been stubborn and that if you were to try to decline; the two of you would just be going back and forth and before you know it, heejin would be late to school. 

so, you reluctantly accept his offer; quickly grabbing her carseat from your car and setting her up in the back of heeseung’s car. “mama, who is he?” heejin asks and you explain that he’s just a friend. “how come he didn’t come to dinner?” heejin continues with another question and you answer with something dismissive and tell her he was just busy. 

“ready to go? don’t want her to be late.” heeseung says and you look over at him and he’s still got that smile on his face like he knew exactly what he was doing and was happy that you were going along with it. you give him a tight lipped smile as you place a kiss onto heejin’s forehead before taking your seat at the front passenger seat next to heeseung. 

in the past whenever you two were in a car it would always be you in the front next to him because he trusted you the most with directions and music but mostly because he loved being able to see you next to him.  it was such a simple and innocent thing to be so close to you even if you were just sitting next to him but it never failed to make his heart race whenever you would look over at him, catching him staring at you when he needed to be focusing on the road. 

you’d tease him by saying, “eyes on the road” and talk about how you’ll crash if he keeps staring at you and he’d just respond by saying he would never hurt you or do anything that would put you in pain. 

heeseung tried to keep that promise and broke it without even knowing that he did. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

“bye heejin, have a good day ok?” you send your daughter off to school, watching her small figure skip away as she waves and greets the friends she sees as she walks into school. “she’s adorable.” heeseung says as you turn towards him. a part of you slightly forgetting that he was there because all of your focus was set on your daughter. 

“thanks.” you mutter, barely above a whisper. 

“wanna grab breakfast? my treat.” heeseung asks, a cheesy grin on his face as if he’s using his smile as a way to convince you to say yes; it worked… just a little bit. 

“fine.” you say while rolling your eyes, a part of you only saying yes because you had nothing better to do and he was the one that drove. the car ride was silent, filled with awkward tension as you couldn’t get comfortable in your seat knowing that you haven’t seen heeseung in five years and had no idea where this was going to go. would everything be the way it was before you left? or would it be filled with boiling tension that would eventually blow up. 

heeseung was fiddling with the steering wheel, tapping on the leather of the wheel, messing around with the car compartments, and constantly clearing his throat to drown out the silence that was so loud. 

“so… how’ve you been?” heeseung asks, slightly looking over at you as if he was suddenly nervous to make eye contact, fearing for how you’d react. 

“okay.. yeah i’ve been ok.” keeping your answer short so that you didn’t end up saying more than you wanted. you weren’t sure how comfortable you’d become with heeseung, someone who you once would’ve associated with the word “comfort” now was more closely aligned with “unknown”. 

“thats- thats good..” heeseung stutters. 

he doesn’t ask any further questions after he’s taken notice that you weren’t inclined for small talk or maybe just talking to him in general. which he couldn’t blame you for, you haven’t seen each other in five years and he understood that things were a lot different than before. 

you and heeseung used to be able to talk about anything and everything, whenever one of you or both would be stressed; you’d just talk for hours about anything to distract yourselves from whatever was troubling your minds. one time the two of you had even spent 63 hours on facetime, uninterrupted because you were both away from each other for the first time and couldn’t stand being that far away. 

the two of you were only separated for a weekend but it was too long for either of you. 

“order anything you want, ok?” heeseung says as he looks at the menu, browsing for what he wants to eat. you mirror his actions but you lift the menu a bit higher to cover your face because you were a bit shy. you didn’t know how to act around heeseung anymore and felt like shielding yourself away from. 

“are you two ready to order?” the waitress asks and quickly jots down your order, coming back momentarily to drop off your drinks and returning about 20 minutes later with the food you had ordered. heeseung had ordered ramen for breakfast, it came on a small personal burner so that it remained hot as he ate. you slightly smile to yourself, trying your best to hide it because this habit of heeseung hasn't changed in that aspect. 

heeseung always loved ramen, it's his favorite. 

you had just gotten rice with some grilled meat and a fried egg, something simple but delicious. heeseung is busy slurping on his noodles when you decide to break the silence, “how did you find me, heeseung?” you ask, causing heeseung to choke a bit on his food at the random question. 

he quickly apologizes, grabbing a tissue to wipe his mouth before responding, “oh, yeah about that. don’t be mad but jay told me. it’s not his fault though, i practically begged him.” heeseung says, eye widening as if to prevent you from getting upset that jay had given heeseung your address without permission. 

you were a bit upset, especially because jay was the one that knew what happened with everything out of all of the people in your life. you made sure to bring this up to your cousin when you had the chance, keeping in mind that jay would get a piece of your mind about this. 

the rest of the breakfast was filled with the same awkward tension as you two ate your food in silence, every once in a while asking each other questions for some small talk but nothing that the two of you talked about did anything to cut through the awkwardness. when you and heeseung finished eating, he kept his word about taking care of the bill, and although you wouldn’t have cared if he didn’t, it was nice because it felt just like old times. 

back in college, when you and heeseung were little broke college kids; he always paid no matter what it was. a late night snack? heeseung paid. you were craving boba? heeseung paid. it was your birthday? heeseung paid. even when it wasn’t food, heeseung paid because he loved taking care of you even in small matters like paying for your things. 

a sign you should’ve seen sooner that heeseung saw you as more than just a friend. 

“thanks for breakfast and dropping off heejin at school. have a good day, heeseung.” you say while exiting his car. you’re startled by heeseung’s sudden action when he shouts when and runs out of the car and around to your side, you give him a confused look from inside of the car as you watch him. heeseung closes your door and reopens it for you, “madam.” he says, while gesturing with his hand and a slight bow. 

you couldn’t help but laugh but when heeseung raises his head to look at you, your expression instantly changes because you didn’t want to give heeseung the satisfaction that you found it amusing. you were still upset at heeseung for something of the past and although it’s been harbored inside of you for years on end, you couldn’t help but feel it slowly rising back to the top ever since you had returned to korea. 

heeseung walks slowly behind you as you make your way to the front door like a lost puppy and when you get to unlocking your door,  he clears his throat, gaining your attention. 

“look… i know we haven’t spoken or seen each other in years, but i’m not going to act like it wasn’t the hardest five years of my life. you kind of just disappeared without explanation and when i tried to reach out… i didn’t hear back. 

i had even asked our friends and they didn’t have anything to tell me, i mean- i knew jay would’ve known because he’s your cousin but he didn’t tell me anything. 

can we please just talk?” heeseung was rambling and you felt bad because you could tell he was a bit anxious and probably rehearsed this in his head. 

“yn.. i missed you so much and i tried to practice what i wanted to say to you when i saw you again but i’ve just thrown that all out the window. 

say something..? please?” and you could feel yourself slowly falling back into that old familiar place. the one where you could look into heeseung’s eyes and you could tell how he was really feeling even if he tried to mask it with his rambling. 

“heeseung, why don’t you come inside and then we can talk… not out here..” you said with a chuckle and heeseung eagerly nods, a smile on his lips at the invitation into your home, a stepping stone back into your life. 

you don’t know where this conversation was going earlier and now that it’s almost been two hours since you saw heeseung again, you still didn’t know what to expect. 

“can i get you something to drink?” you ask and he lets you know that water is fine so after a few minutes, you return to find heeseung standing in your living room, admiring the photos you framed of yourself and your daughter. 

“you guys look so happy.” heeseung comments as he joins you on the couch, setting the two cups of water in front of the two of you. “heeseung.. i don’t know what to say to be honest. there’s a lot i’ve wanted to say to you and over the last five years, i’ve only wanted to say more. 

i didn’t mean to disappear i just-”

“then why? why did you leave?” heeseung says, interrupting you and his eyes have transitioned into one that expressed that he was pleading, begging, and waiting for an answer from you. an answer that he had been waiting for since the day you left. 

on the other hand, you were too. you had so many questions for heeseung but you knew that you couldn’t get answers without having to answer any of heeseung’s questions. you weren’t sure how to answer heeseung. you wanted to be honest and tell him the full truth but you didn’t even know if you were ready to face that. 

it was five years ago but now, sitting in front of heeseung as he looked at you with tears threatening to fall from his eyes, you couldn’t bring yourself to relive those moments where you felt the most alone, unwanted, and misunderstood person in the world. 

you stuttered to answer and the longer you thought about the more complicated it became in your head. your breathing started to become heavy and your eyes were constantly blinking. you couldn’t look at heeseung any longer because it made you feel uneasy and nauseous, the anxiety of this moment having built up inside of you for so long that now that it was all happening, it was corroding the stability you had worked so hard to build in your head. 

“are you ok, yn?” heeseung asked and his voice sounded muffled to you and as he scooted closer, the image of heeseung in your vision blurred and doubled like he was a mirage. you were starting to get light headed and that was when you knew that you were going to faint, the anxiety had taken over your brain and before you knew it your eyes were fluttering closed and heeseung was catching you in his arms before your body could fall over onto the coffee table. 

heeseung catches you instantly when you notice your body start to go limp, rocking back and forth. he wasn’t sure what happened but something must’ve been bothering you so much that you had fainted in his arms. heeseung tries his best to gently position you onto your couch in a comfortable position, moving your legs into place and softly setting your head on the armrest with a pillow propped up under. 

he admired your sleeping figure and if it wasn’t for the fact that you had fainted, he probably would’ve found this moment cute. it reminded him of the first time heeseung had realized he liked you more than he thought he did. the two of you had gotten very drunk one night after failing your economics exam and you had a habit of getting sleepy when drinking. 

you were in the middle of talking when your head started to get wobbly and your eyelids had become heavy and before you knew it; you were falling asleep next to heeseung; your head softly landing on his shoulder like a makeshift pillow. he found it cute and he still does. 

⋆˚ʚɞ five years ago

you had been texting with heeseung all night, he had been going through something and although you wanted to know what it was; you settled on just making him feel better. like a good friend would do. your crush on heeseung has something your friends had known about for a while and although you’ve wanted to confess your feelings to him for a while now, you were too afraid of ruining your friendship and it potentially affecting your whole friend group. 

heeseung was currently on his way to your dorm and it was like you were waiting for a blind date. you fidget with the tassel on your throw pillow as you wait for him on your bed, running through the different scenarios in your head of what’s been bothering him. 

he was fine the last few days but today something had shifted; heeseung felt like he was carrying something heavy on his mind and it was showing. he had sent you a string of messages that represented someone on the verge of a crash out and all you could do was worry for him, eventually inviting him over so you could talk and find a way to make him feel better. 

to which heeseung accepted instantly as if that was what he was waiting for. 

after a few minutes, a knock on your door softly echoes throughout your dorm as you’re just about to text heeseung if he was alright. “hee-” you say, getting cut off when heeseung storms into your room, breathing unsteady as if he had run over to you. 

“what’s wrong, are you ok?” you ask, worry settled onto your face as you shut the door behind you. 

heeseung is standing facing away as he tries to catch his breath, unsure of how to talk to you about what has been weighing on his mind heavily. a reality that he’s finally chosen to come to terms with despite thinking it was all his delusions until recently. 

“hee?” you ask again and he whips around to face you, your expression softening when you see that it looks like he hasn’t slept and looks absolutely exhausted. his eyes were red, cheeks a bit sunken, and the shadows around his eyes were more prominent. he looked like he’s so emotionally and physically drained you couldn’t help but rush over to him, cupping his face in worry– rubbing his cheek with your thumb and you could feel heeseung melt into your hand. 

his eyes flutter closed as he breathes a sigh of relief; like your touch alone was enough to soothe his mind even though the reason for his distress partially had something to do with you. you guide heeseung to your bed and you can’t help but frown at his appearance, you didn’t know how long this has been going on but it seems that it was enough to reflect on his face. 

“hee? are you ok?” you ask and he finally takes a deep breath before responding, “yn.. i just want you to know that i don’t want any of this to change us.. and i hope we’ll be okay after this but-” heeseung begins. 

“heeseung you’re scaring me..” you whisper, anxiety building inside of you as heeseung tries to avoid eye contact with you. 

“just- please listen.. i don’t want you to think of me any differently after i say this but…

i think i love you.” 

and when those five words leave heeseung’s lips, everything goes silent. 

you’ve been wanting to hear heeseung say those words for so long, wishing that he would reciprocate your feelings, confess his love to you the way you’ve been too afraid to confess to him, and now that he has; you didn’t know what to do or say. 

heeseung was finally able to look into your eyes, looking for an answer because the silence after his confession had him thinking that he shouldn’t have said anything in the first place. 

“please, say something..” he whispers, voice trembling like he’d be in tears at any moment. 

“hee… i just-” when you try to respond even though you weren’t sure what to say, heeseung brings his hands to your face and brings it closer to his; “please tell me you feel the same way or else i might go insane.” he whispers, his lips just a few inches away from yours. 

heeseung’s gaze trails from your eyes down your face and lands to your lips, heeseung absentmindedly licks his own as if it were a physical reaction to seeing yours. “i do heeseung-” you begin but before you could finish your sentence; his lips are on yours. 

the dryness of his lips instantly disappears as your two lips dance with his. a kiss that both of you had been longing for since you two have first met, like there was tension between the two of you that could only be relieved with one another. everyone in the room could feel it but neither of you ever wanted to confront that no matter how badly you wanted to. 

heeseung pulls away for a moment, allowing the two of you to catch your breath; “i’m sorry, i should’ve asked but i just couldn’t wait any longer..” heeseung murmurs, his bedroom eyes glued onto yours as you try to gather your thoughts. you had been waiting to share this moment with heeseung for so long but for some reason it wasn’t like how you’d dreamt.

“heeseung, this is wrong.. what about your girl-” you’re about to bring up heeseung’s girlfriend but he just shakes his head. “you’re the one i want.. it’s always been you” he says, connecting your lips once again, the kiss being just as passionate and filled with hunger like you’re both deprived of the other. 

your dorm was soon filled with you and heeseung’s pleasure, a craving that was finally satisfied after so many years; finally having you in his arms. you never thought this day would come and although you thought that it would never come; you were going to cherish this moment with heeseung. 

the next few days felt like a dream. you and heeseung were inseparable and it’s everything you had hoped for when you used to think about how your life would be after confessing to heeseung about how you truly felt. 

only for him to confess first, leaving you shocked that he felt the same way. 

the conversation after that night in your dorm room was a bit awkward but the two of you quickly learned to laugh it off and move forward with your relationship. you had agreed that you’d keep this between yourselves for now because you were unsure of how it would affect the dynamic of your friend group. you even held off from telling jay, your cousin, who you told everything to. 

it was hard for the first few weeks to hide your relationship with heeseung because whenever all of you were together, you wanted nothing more than to hold his hand or sit on his lap, the tension from before being converted to secret longing glances and smiles that you two would try to hide from your friends. 

the good lasted for only a few months, until the fateful day that would change your life forever. you had woken up feeling like a ton of bricks had fallen on top of you while you were sleeping. you were fatigued, nauseous, and spent the morning hunched over your toilet as you threw up your dinner from the night before. 

you weren’t sure why your body was suddenly feeling unwell so you made a trip to the pharmacy to grab some medicine, browsing the aisles to see what would help with your symptoms, and that was when your eyes landed on the sleek white box towards the end of the shelf. 

“pregnancy test: accurate results in just under 10 minutes” it read on the box in bright blue font. there was no way that could be the cause of your distress, you didn’t have sex with anyone else besides.. heeseung… that night.. three months ago. 

your mind starts to spiral as you think about the possibility that you could be pregnant with heeseung’s child as that night replays in your head– now just remembering that the idea of a condom was absent from both of your minds as you were both in the heat of the moment, exploring one another’s bodies. 

frantically grabbing a few boxes, you make your way to the cash register but are stopped in your tracks when a voice calls out to you; “yn?” and when you turn around it’s heeseung’s ex-girlfriend. 

the conversation with her was short but awkward. she just wanted to clear the air, letting you know that she had no animosity towards you or heeseung and that she wished you two the best. which confused you because you certainly didn’t tell her and know that heeseung wouldn’t have told her without discussing with you first. when you asked her to clarify, her explanation only heightens the mental distress you were currently in. 

“heeseung and i broke up a few months ago and i just figured you two would be together by now..” was all she said before walking away. 

the night that heeseung confessed his love to you and where you had shared one of the most intimate moments two people could experience together; also happened to be the same night that heeseung broke up with his girlfriend. 

leading you to believe that it was the only reason he felt so inclined to be with you. like you were just some rebound that heeseung knew would be waiting for him like a lost puppy who had been left at home all day, knowing that if he called out to you– you’d come running to him. 

you were a rebound. 

did he even mean anything he had said to you or was it all just a way to get you to play along with his desires? did he even know you felt that way about him? and he used it as a way to get what he wanted? 

you felt disgusted knowing that the moment you shared with heeseung that you had been waiting for was merely just a way for him to get over his ex-girlfriend. a second option that he knew he could fall back on but not in the same way that he would’ve been supported by his friends who he could fall back on during a hard time, but more so like you were just a stepping stone and a temporary fix for the despair he was in that night. 

using you to forget his ex if it meant that he would feel better at your expense. 

it feels like the ten minutes that you were waiting for the pregnancy test to be ready was the longest ten minutes of your life. “less than ten minutes, my ass” you scoffed as the clock showed it’s been ten minutes and the results weren’t being shown through the small indicator window yet. 

your head falls back in annoyance and to your surprise, the next time you look at the test, a giant plus sign is clearer than day. you swallowed the dryness in your throat, throwing the test into the garbage and ripping open into the two other boxes you bought to test again. 

refusing to believe that the first one was accurate, like it was a fluke, a false positive, anything to convince yourself that this was not happening. 

but it was. 

⋆˚ʚɞ 

when you wake up, about an hour later, you almost don’t recognize where you are until you realize you’re wrapped up in a blanket on your bed. you remember being on the couch but don’t recall how you ended up on your bed. you sluggishly roll out of your bed, eyes half open as you scratch your head and make your way to the living room; only to find heeseung sleeping soundly on your couch. 

shock shoots through you as the memories of what happened before you fainted return to your mind, remembering that you and heeseung had reunited after not seeing one another for the last five years when he showed up unannounced at your front door. 

you slowly walk over to him, momentarily admiring his peaceful face as he snoozed on your couch, clutching onto the small pillow with his arms. “i know you’re staring at me.” heeseung murmurs, opening one eye to look at you; a grin on his face when he sees the annoyed look on yours. 

“what are you still doing here?” you ask, crossing your arms and tilting your head to one side as you questioned him. “wow, already kicking me out? if we were in college you would’ve begged me to stay while you tried to convince your roommate to leave.” he says, sitting up straight with the same playful smile on his lips. 

“okay, if you’re gonna stay then i guess we need to have this talk don’t we?” you ask, swallowing the lump in your throat as you try to muster up the courage to have this conversation after it led you to faint just an hour prior. you take a seat next to heeseung, much like how the two of you were positioned earlier and the night when  he showed up at your dorm, both of you sitting on your bed; looking into each other’s eyes as if you were the only two people that existed. 

holding one another so closely like at any given moment one of you would be torn away from the other. only if heeseung knew that you would be torn away from him months after, maybe he wouldn’t have made the decision he did that night. 

but that night was nothing that he’d ever regret. 

“so.. where do i begin.. you say trying to think of how you wanted to start– 

that night, when we hooked up in my dorm room; i know why you showed up. when you told me that you loved me it was everything that i could’ve hoped for. i feel like i started to fall for you the day we first met and every day since then i fell for you even more but i just thought that i wasn’t someone that you could ever love. 

so, even though it hurt me, i settled with being okay with just being friends; because it was better than not having you in my life at all. 

but when you told me you loved me that night, i was the happiest girl in the world. until i wasn’t. i felt like the few months that we were dating was the happiest moments of my life, obviously not compared to now because i have my daughter, but i’ll cherish those moments forever because it truly made me so happy to be with you–” 

“then why did you leave?” heeseung pleads, begging for an answer as you somewhat tiptoe around it. “a few months later, i ran into your ex while i was in the store and i found out that the two of you had broken up the same night we hooked up…” heeseung was now shaking his head in denial at what he was hearing. 

“heeseung, you used me as a rebound for your breakup– no, yn. that’s not true. i promise i would never do that to you.” heeseung whines, shaking his head in frustration that you’ve harbored this misunderstanding about him for the last five years which drove you away from him. 

⋆˚ʚɞ five years ago, two days before moving away

“why have you been so distant?” heeseung asks, his doe eyes looking at you as he pleads for your attention, lights reflecting in his eyes that made it look like he was tearing up, and he was trying his best not to cry in front of the girl he’s loved for so long. 

you couldn’t bring yourself to tell him, this battle inside of you that you’ve been going through on whether or not you wanted to tell heeseung the life changing news, your oversized hoodie covering up the secret you have. 

“heeseung, i just don’t think we can do this anymore.” was the only thing you could say before having to do the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do. 

walk away from the boy you’ve loved for so long. 

heeseung didn’t know what he had done that led you to breakup with him but he held onto this idea that you hated him ever since. he respected you enough to let you walk away from him even though it took every ounce of strength inside of him to not run after you and engulf you in his arms. he would’ve begged you to stay if he could, but he didn’t. 

not running after you and fighting for your love was his biggest regret. 

two days later, he’d find out from jay that you left the country and although he begged and begged jay to let him know where you moved to, how to reach you, and to help him get in contact with you; jay respected you too much after learning what led you to leave to just set you back by allowing heeseung to waltz right back into your life. 

jay tried his best to not let his judgement of heeseung be clouded by what you told him, but he couldn’t help but feel empathy towards you. his cousin who’s life was going to change drastically because of his best friend and all he could do was support you from afar even if it meant helping you move into his childhood home where jay’s parents would be there for you to help you throughout the whole thing. 

⋆˚ʚɞ 

“heeseung, this is all too much for me right now. i want to have this conversation, i’ve thought about it every day for the last five years, but i don’t think i’d ever be ready for it. 

i think you should leave.” 

and as much as heeseung wanted to stay, beg for you to let him stay and talk it out, but he respected you too much to fight with you. 

so just like that night, he walked away even if he didn’t want to. 

you sighed as you closed the door behind heeseung, peeking into the small window beside your front door to watch him leave, shoulders low and head hunched over as he walked to his car. you close your eyes and exhale before swinging the door back open and calling for heeseung, “heeseung!” you shout and he’s instantly whipping around at the sound of your voice. 

“heejin’s birthday is in two weeks, you’re invited if you’d like to come.” and heeseung’s attitude changes, a bright smile spreading onto his face as your words ring like church bells in his ears. 

“i’ll be there.” he says before waving goodbye and driving off. 

a small smile tugging on your lips as you tried your best not to feel like that young girl you once were whenever you’d get shy around heeseung. 

⋆˚ʚɞ 

the next two weeks is filled with heeseung’s endless attempts to make his way into your everyday routine whether it was showing up again unannounced to take heejin to school, to which she’d never deny because heeseung always brought her the juice box she really likes, or if it was him asking you if you needed help with anything for heejin’s birthday. 

heeseung was going to find his way back into your life even if he annoyed you– but all you had in your mind was her birthday despite heeseung’s attempts to occupy your every waking thought. 

the build up for heejin’s birthday was filled with excitement and anxiety as you tried to make her 6th birthday something special because it would be her first birthday in korea. in the past, her birthdays in seattle was mostly just you and her, sometimes your parents would fly in town to visit but not often. 

and now that you’re back in korea and surrounded by so many people that loved you; you were going to make sure this birthday was something that she remembers. her birthday was in just 24 hours and everything was set in place. 

it was somewhat difficult to keep everything hidden from her because she was one curious girl and was constantly rambling about what she wanted for her birthday, unicorns, rainbows, the color pink, a cake that was chocolate but also vanilla and had strawberries, the color pink, a pinata that was shaped like bunny or maybe a unicorn, and oh, did i mention.. pink? 

pink was her favorite color and it showed with every since thing she always picked out for herself was pink. 

at midnight when the clock indicated that it was finally her birthday, you snuck into her room as she slept soundly with a small cupcake and a number six candle in the center. you gently walked over to her and softly sang happy birthday, waking her up and her eyes instantly widened at the sight of you. 

She was smiling from ear to ear and clapping her hands together in joy. “happy birthday my sweet bambi.” you said after singing happy birthday, softly patting her head as she makes a wish and blows out the candle. 

“thank you mama.” her small voice coming out just above a whisper. “sleep now, okay? you have a big day tomorrow.” booping her nose as she enthusiastically goes back to bed, eager to fall back asleep and wake up the next morning to her big day. 

birthday preparations started earlier for you as you made sure to do some last minute cleaning and organizing for the party. setting out all of the stuff in your backyard with the help of jay and your parents. your mom busied your daughter so that she wasn’t running around and to stop her from looking through every single thing at her party. 

she was so happy, a type of happiness you wished would stay with her forever. 

soon after, the preparations were complete and heejin was dressed in a sparkly pink dress, one that she had picked up several weeks in advance when the two of you were shopping together on a mommy and daughter date. 

your friends, sunghoon, jay, jake, karina, and winter had shown up with gifts that made your daughter smile so bright. her classmates had shown up, excited to celebrate heejin on her big day– you watched from the side as you took in all of it. some of the people you loved most in one place to celebrate the person you loved most. 

seeing your daughter happy made you happy and that was all you could wish for. 

you took a gander at all of the people enjoying the party when a knock at your front door catches your attention. you jog over to the door and are met with heeseung, a cheesy grin on his face as he carries several boxes in his arms, peering from behind it to reveal himself. 

“i hope i’m not too late?” he says and you just chuckle, telling him that the party was just beginning. you invite him inside, instructing him to set her gifts onto the table in the far side of the kitchen as the two of you join everyone in the backyard. 

you can hear gasps coming from your friends as they see you and heeseung standing together, a sight that none of them thought they’d see so soon. “yo! heeseung, you made it man.” jake says, standing up to shake his friend’s hug as everyone follows to do the same. 

karina and winter send you a teasing glance, the two of them pointing to you and heeseung like you were all kids teasing their friend when their crush walks by, earning them an eye roll as you laugh it off. 

“where’s the birthday girl?” heeseung asks, still holding onto a small gift as he walks back to you. you pointed at heejin who was playing tag with her friends; unafraid to get rowdy with the little boys in her class. “heejin, bambi! come here, you’ve got a gift.” you shout and she comes running as she hears the word gift. 

heeseung crouches down to her size and hands her the gift, “happy birthday heejin.” he says with a soft smile, one that heejin returns. hugging him to thank him, “can i open it mama?” she asks and you gesture her to ask heeseung since it was his gift– earning an eager nod from heeseung who encouraged her to open it. 

heejin tears into the small box, a gasp escaping from her tiny mouth as she sees the box, the gift wrap revealing a soft brown deer plushie with a pink bow and blushing cheeks. she jumps up and down in excitement, her arms wrapping around heeseung’s neck to show her appreciation for the gift. seeing heeseung hug her back pulls at your heartstrings as you watch all of it unfold, an image in your head that you thought you’d never see. 

your daughter and her father sharing a tender moment with an embrace. 

⋆˚ʚɞ 

the party dies down once the sun has set and most of the guests have gone. the only people left were your parents, winter and sunghoon, and heeseung. your friends had offered to stay back to help you clean and because your mother was your mother, she wasn’t going to let you clean up alone even if you had your friends to help. 

heejin was in the living room with bright eyes as she looked at all of the gifts she had received, several gifts of stuffed animals, toys, clothes, and other presents that a small child would appreciate. “okay, bambi let’s get ready for bed. you can play with all of your toys tomorrow, ok?” and heejin nods, grabbing the deer plushie that heeseung got her and taking it with her as you help her get ready for bed. 

heeseung notices you and heejin walking away and excuses himself from your mother to which she just nods and tells him it’s okay and she’ll take care of the rest of the chores in the kitchen. heeseung parted with a small bow as he makes his way to what he assumes is heejin’s room. 

winter and sunghoon on the other are glancing at each other, having confirmation with just their eyes as they watch heeseung run after you. 

“you know.. not to be a conspiracy theorist but doesn’t heejin look like.. heeseung?” winter asks, whispering to sunghoon as she walks a bit closer to him. “no, i see it too. also, the nickname? we used to say heeseung looks like a baby deer all the time when we were in college and yn nicknamed her daughter bambi?” sunghoon adds and winter looks at him like he’s just spilled the deepest secret one can hold. 

sunghoon and winter send each other knowing glances as they both arrive at a revelation. 

“hey, you guys alright?” heeseung asks while popping his head into heejins room with a soft knock. you tell him that you’re just her ready for bed when you wave him inside. “thank you for the gift, she loves it a lot. i’ve been looking for that thing for months and i can’t believe you were able to find it.” you tell him and heeseung chuckles.

“it’s no big deal” he responds and you ask him about how he knew to get that for her. “she talks about it whenever i drive her to school, she also mentioned that her mommy calls her bambi and i figured it would make the perfect gift.” he explains, making it a point to reference the bambi part as he knew that was also a nickname he had within your friend group, one that you started. 

you hoped that you weren’t too obvious with that but chose not to dwell much longer on the nickname as it could just be coincidence– although it wasn’t. 

“thank you for the bambi!” heejin says as she walks back into the room in her pajamas. heeseung pats her small head as she climbs into her bed, tucking her into her blanket as you ask her about her day– heejin rambling on about her favorite parts of the day which just turned out to be every single aspect of her party. 

you smiled at her as she went on and on, “but my favorite is the bambi.” she says while stretching her arms out with the plushie in her hands and then bringing it into her arms for a hug. “thank you dad.” heejin says and it catches you and heeseung off guard– heejin herself doesn’t even realize what she’s said as she gets cozy in bed. 

there was a sense of awkwardness between the two of you at the comment by your daughter and it causes heeseung to start questioning things and putting puzzle pieces together. the possibility that he could’ve been heejin’s dad hadn’t crossed his mind once and now that it’s been brought up; it’s all he was thinking about. 

“goodnight, baby.” you say before placing a kiss onto heejin’s forehead and as you’re about to leave; she calls out to you. “mama, can you sing me a lullaby?” she asks and even though you were exhausted, you weren’t going to say no to your daughter. 

“can i?” heeseung asks and you couldn’t bring yourself to say no when heejin looked so excited, so you nod and heeseung takes a seat on the bed next to heejin who was still hugging the deer plushie. 

heeseung then begins to sing a song to your daughter. you haven’t heard his voice in so long, the melodic trill of his vocals, a symphonic honey like sound that lulled your daughter to sleep in no time, her soft snores mixing with heeseung’s beautiful singing. 

when the two of you were certain that she was sound asleep, you carefully walked out of her room and shut the door as softly as you could. as you try to walk back to finish some cleaning, heeseung holds onto your hand and whips you back around to look at him, his gaze filled with love and the same type of longing that has lingered inside of him for years on end. 

“can we talk?” heeseung says and you nod, letting him know to continue. 

“i know that i hurt you when i made it feel like you were just a rebound, but that couldn’t have been more wrong. it was always you, i’ve always loved you and i would always choose you. my ex and i were constantly fighting throughout that week and the day i came running to you was when we broke up but i never told you why… 

we broke up because she realized how much i loved you in comparison to her and it wasn’t fair that whenever i was with her, all i could think about was you. 

i’ve loved you since the day i met you and i just never had the courage to say that, but i would write your name in the sand again and again after the waves have swept it away if it means that my love for you is shared across the seas.” 

tears streaming down your eyes as heeseung’s hands gently cup your face, his thumb wiping your face of your tears. heeseung brings you into his arms for an embrace and when he feels your arms wrap around him, he breathes a sigh of relief knowing that he was finally able to get that off of his chest.

something that he’s had weighing on him for so long and was so happy to finally profess his love for you. the girl he loves and will always love. 

when you pull away from him with a sniffle, heeseung wipes your tears again as you lock eyes, “is she mine?” he asks in reference and you nod, finally telling heeseung the secret that you’ve held for the last five years. 

tears sting heeseung’s eyes at the information and he holds you even tighter in his arms when he hears the news. he couldn’t believe that the beautiful girl he just sang to sleep was his daughter. joy was an understatement to describe the emotion that he was feeling. the type of love only a family could share where they’d do everything to keep the family together and happy. 

you and heeseung spend the night sharing stories of what you’ve missed in each other’s lives in the time that you were gone. tears, laughter, and tender touches shared between the two of you as you do your best to rebuild your relationship from scratch. 

“thank you for giving me another chance.” heeseung whispers as you lay in his arms, the moonlight shining onto your faces, leaving a small white cast into the room. 

“thank you for not giving up on me.” you respond, heeseung placing a small kiss onto your temple before you both drift off to sleep. a type of joy and delight radiating from your bodies that neither of you have felt in so long. something you would have only gotten from one another. 

⋆˚ʚɞ 

you’re awoken to the smell of grilled meat wafting throughout your home, your nose dragging you to the living room to find heejin and heeseung in the kitchen cooking together. “what do we have here?” you ask and they turn to look at you, “mama! he’s teaching me how to make pancakes and bacon.” she says, running over to you and hugging your legs. you pick her up and walk back to heeseung who was setting the last pancake onto the plate. 

“let’s eat.” he says and you all sit at the table together and enjoy breakfast like a family for the first time. a moment that you’ve always wanted to share as a whole family and now that you’ve finally been able to share the truth with heeseung, it’s everything you’ve ever wanted. 

“heejin, i have something to tell you, ok?” you tell her and she’s looking up at you with her big doe eyes, identical to heeseung’s who was shyly sitting to the side. “remember when you asked me where your papa is?” and heejin nods, a small pout on her lips. 

“bambi, heeseung is your papa.” and you’ve never seen heejin move so fast before as she’s jumping out of her chair and into heeseung’s arms to which he welcomes her, hugging his daughter with so much love that you could feel it coming off of them. heeseung extends one of his arms to invite you over and as tears fall from your eyes once again, you join in on your first ever family hug. 

you didn’t know when this day would come and you were elated that it came sooner after you had been running from it for the last five years. the happiest moment of your life with the family you’ve created could’ve never happened if you didn’t face heeseung and allowed for him to bare his soul and heart to you. something you should’ve never been afraid of. 

heeseung waited for you every single day, thinking about the day that you’d come back to him and when you’d finally be his. to his surprise, you gave him a beautiful daughter that, although he has a lot of time to make up for, was so happy that he wasn’t too late to watch her grow and be a part of her life. 

no matter how hard you tried to run from having to face this hardship, heeseung was thousands of miles away back in korea waiting for you with only love in his mind. wanting nothing more than to have you back in his life and to never let you go like he had done the first time. 

the image of your broken face replayed in his mind every night when he slept, thinking about the pain he must’ve put you through without knowing the full capacity of what you had to experience alone. he wished he was there by your side through every single step, holding your hand in the delivery room, taking photos of you as your stomach grew, witnessing his daughter’s first steps and first word, everything. 

but now that he was back, he was going to make sure that he didn’t miss anything else. 

you and your daughter instantly became the most important people in his life, knowing that he’d love the both of you endlessly, unconditionally, and forever. 

forever. 

something that he’d always associate with you because you are his forever and now, so is your daughter. 

love should be forever and you were forever going to be loved by him. it was like love and forever was synonymous with you because to heeseung, loving you is forever. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

ᡣ•.•𐭩♡ @pagemiah @jiiyen @jnysaln @xh01bri @rairaiblog @laurradoesloveu @17ericas @manaah02 @heeseung64 @zorange13 @firstclassjaylee @leipforggy

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[livmightlive]

LU Maze Runner AU (actually explained this time)

Okay, I got way ahead of myself in my last post 😭 I forgot that maze runner didn’t have the same impact on everybody as it did me. Here’s the actual plot of my AU so that it makes sense to everyone 😭

Hyrule has reached an incredibly advanced age of technology and other sciences. (So think like, hunger games, or any sci-fi movie that takes place like, 200 years in the future.) Most of Hyrule has fallen to a horrible virus called the gloom. This gloom grows through plants and taints water sources.  This virus was engineered by a terrible cult called Demise, a group of people under the control of a man named Ganon who wishes to take control of Hyrule. 

In retaliation, a group sponsored by the royal lineage of Hyrule creates a research facility called HYLIA to study ways to take down Demise and fight against the gloom. They take individuals from across Hyrule who show either great resistance, sometimes even immunity to the gloom, and/or significant resistance against the cult of Demise. Demise has some type of brainwashing technology that causes people to either become submissive under its rule or compliant to the cult, often joining it. 

Of course in this story the people taken are the boys from the chain and also all the Zeldas. They’re all taken young, at least in the quarter HYLIA that they live in. Most of them were surrendered by their parents but others were either found or taken. HYLIA cannot afford to be kind. 

So in essence, everyone is stuck there, but it’s not horrible. They spend a lot of time getting “normal” schooling. They’re subjected to tests but it’s not necessarily like a horror lab AU. They’re not treated like animals or anything but they certainly can’t leave. This of course leads to a lot of resentment from the chain.

Eventually HYLIA starts getting frustrated. They aren’t getting very far with their testing. It just isn’t… natural. One of the key discoveries is that gloom resistance and resistance to Demise mind control is really hard to replicate in practical labs. The labs can’t be unbiased with literally the same exact sample each time. They realize that the only way they can actually get results is through real life experience. But how can they get that when all these people have been living in HYLIA for years? 

The Maze is born. It's huge, spanning hundreds of acres of land. In its very center lies the glade, a safe spot of land in the middle of it all, the maze surrounding it. (I’ll try and draw a rough map at some point.) They build two of them. One for the boys, one for the girls. They fill the mazes with genetically engineered monsters that they infuse with low levels of the gloom in order to see how the “participants” react when they fight them. 

The mazes are full of different puzzles and beasts so that HYLIA can study the participants and how they react. Through these means, they believe they will understand how to defeat Demise and the gloom.

I mentioned before that they send in each chain member going off of their game release dates. This starts with Hyrule and ends with Wild. They time this just around the span of a full year, sending in a member around a month or two at a time. 

Before they send in each member, they completely and FULLY erase their memories so that when they wake up in the glade, all they can remember is their name and age. They do remember how to do things, like math, reading, survival skills, etc. but they don’t know how or when they learned it. Sometimes they might get strong feelings, but that’s all they have. They’re essentially new people once they hit the maze. 

I’ll get more into the chain members and dynamics next time! Or I can write about anything you want 💕💕💕 please lmk thoughts!! They keep me motivated

[avidredux]

Magic Sword

so this is one of my favorite installments of linked universe and i'm going to ramble about why

magic sword takes place right after divine dark reflections, legend is no longer a rabbit, sky is established as being a shit long distance runner, and we get what i'd argue is one of the finest demonstrations of hyrule as a character and fighter. we also get some of my favorite panels in the series, like this one

i love looking down on him

anyway starting with some general Stuff That I Enjoy on a technical level! (under the cut because this got LONG)

first the color palette of this update is so so cool, lots of lovely reds and purples. the shading is amazing, like this panel here

simple but effective! the backlighting is dramatic and interesting, and i'm always a sucker for a silhouette (or nearly a silhouette) shot.

i love the black speckles and splats of the black blood throughout this update, and the way the rest of the colors are almost a gradient through the whole thing, it starts very natural toned, and as the fight intensifies gets darker, more purple and deep red and blue, all in sharp contrast with the blinding yellow and red of fire. it's a neat detail that if i'm not mistaken shows up in quite a few updates. the colors in the comic series as a whole blend in to each other within updates, a smooth, easy for the eye to follow change.

another thing is the paneling itself. the diagonal shapes of the panel help with that movement feel obviously, but also the framing of the characters. the panel up there (looking down on wars) is much more obviously a panel looking down on wars when you can see the slanted edge of the panel, augmenting your perspective of him to make him appear smaller! a neat detail that i didn't consciously realize was there until i had taken a screenshot and seen that he didn't look nearly as tiny as he does in the comic itself.

the angled panel, pov shot, and juxtaposition of wars and moblin, it all adds to the experience of looking down on him

the lack of speech in this one is another big reason i love this update. i'm always a fan of silent updates (or mostly silent, as the case may be) because... well link is a silent hero, it wouldn't feel right for these links to be quipping like mcu characters in the middle of a fight; the lack of talking keep the eye moving, keeps the anticipation building as the fight gets bigger and bigger. it's one of those updates i've come back to time and time again and i'm always seeing new little details because without words in the way, it's almost difficult to take my time "reading" this one, i get too excited!

now onto the actual characters! wars and hyrule are in my top 3 (technically 4 because wars and legend are in a constant fight for second place) in the chain. this update, coupled with their appearance in the divine dark reflections arc, is kind of what led me to loving them in the first place, and for hyrule especially, it establishes some awesome stuff about him with very little.

we obviously get to see wars take down a few of the monsters and kick some ass, showing his bravery against a much larger foe, etc etc but this ain't about him (even though i do love him)

he also does a spin attack! still not about him tho

this is about hyrule.

LOOK AT HIM. LOOK. good. moving on.

this is one of the first moments with hyrule demonstrating his confidence in his skills. though he says in an earlier installment that he, "must have had it easy," (ironic, considering his games), he doesn't seem to doubt his actual capabilities, just what he went through. and, yeah, as difficult as his games are, most of what he went through was just fights. maybe getting jumpscared by aches here and there, and yeah the whole "monsters gunning for his blood" thing, it certainly wasn't a walk in the park but in his eyes, at least he has his memories. at least he wasn't sent on like 6 different adventures before he hit 20. he's a glass half full guy, he's not going to look at his adventures against theirs and come to the conclusion that he was unlucky.

what he does have utmost confidence in is his fighting. this isn't the first time he's been a competent fighter (the second installment sees him finishing off the moblin with his iconc downward jump strike) but it is one of the first instances of him acknowledging he's a badass. a cocky bit of lightening and a smirk and jojo establishes that hyrule knows his power. hyrule knows he could wipe the floor with a horde of monsters, no problem. and he does!

though not without getting knocked down, which brings us to, not another Big establishing moment, but a smaller one, one that pays off later when twilight nearly kicks the bucket

someone call chumbawamba

his tenacity. get knocked down, get back up. he immediately cuts this lizalfos's tail off and we get this banger of a panel

love his smirk here, he seems to like fighting quite a bit

it's a smaller detail, and when the others get knocked off their feet they tend to get up too ofc, but it's so focused on in this update compared to in other updates, like here where when hyrule gets whipped with a tail, wild kills the lizalfos, and the comic moves on to warriors. intentional foreshadowing of hyrule's life savingly perseverant nature or not, i think it's a great moment for him

speaking of saving lives, his MAGIC

probably one of the coolest panels in lu and i swear i'm not biased

one of the coolest things about hyrule (and indeed AoL, one of my favorite zelda games) is his magic! he's got a number of spells, and if i'm not mistaken he's actually used his Jump spell in the comic before this point (when he does that cool aforementioned jump strike) but his first obvious magic (spells that someone not knowing his games would recognize as magic and not him maybe jumping out of a tree) are a little bit of Thunder in the first panel of this update, and of course Fire.

it really sets him apart from the other links, since none of this is from special items. he just... has magic ability and learns some spells that he now uses in battle to devastating effect (if you're a monster at least) i love the dichotomy of him being The Classic Link, humble and brave and strong and just, while also being a bit of a black sheep with his use of magic. it's a great mirror to how his games are perceived irl

now on to some of my favorite bits just for fun

love the sequence of them saving each other back to back

i'm sure wars is rethinking everything he knows about this guy

love this panel, hyrule makes amazing faces throughout lu but this is one of my favorites, just resonates with me

SIR

screams until i throw up this one is iconic I LOVE HIM also the magical sword is so so pretty i can't believe i didn't mention it sooner like fi i love you but damn hyrule has a fine weapon

head in my hands i love these guys so bmuch

i have to include this bit from the update right before this one

i love them

anyway thanks for reading if you got this far! this is dedicated to @esthelle-wanders who commented on another post of mine and spurred me to finally write this up! i hope you enjoy it!

all artwork is from @/linkeduniverse

[moss-in-my-shoes]

-Brian Thomas Headcanons-

TW: mentions of self harm and a bit of creepy/horror imagery? Idk it’s MH expect it lmao.

Is he really Brian anymore? Is he still Hoodie? Where do the differences and the similarities end and start? Who is he now?

Brian is still Brian, but he’s also Hoodie. He was always Hoodie.

He’s strong. Smart. Skilled. Athletic. Why would he ever want to be anything else?

He and Masky are the twins, but they are nothing alike. Masky follows. Hoodie leads.

When he was Brian, he was sweet and kind, a golden hearted church boy with a love for football and his best friend Timothy Wright.

Now he carries a gun wherever he goes, balaclava covering his face, operator branded on his chest, right between his collarbones like some kind of cattle.

He’s angry. He’s observant. He’s got a plan and the tools to do it.

He’s protecting Jay from himself.

He thinks Jay is too nosy for his own good, gotta stop the mole from digging further and getting eaten alive by the snake’s nest hidden beneath the dirt.

If it’s by force? So be it.

Lock him in the motel room and sit in front of the door so he can’t leave.

Force feed him the pills he refuses to take to fight the operator sickness. They don’t need another Alex running around, a puppet taking doses of operator sickness every second of every day.

He’d force Tim to do the same, but Tim and him are pretty equal in weight and height, he’s harder to get down and even harder to keep down.

At least Tim willingly takes the pills.

Jay and him get along pretty well despite this.

Sitting together on the motel bed and watching MTV reruns, cuddled up at the sides while Jay leans his head on his shoulder and Brian’s gloved fingers trace patterns in Jay’s arm.

Brian senses a distance, but he doesn’t care.

Tim is hesitant. Tim is bothered. Tim is reluctant and scared.

Masky is just as clingy as Jay is, he’s woken up more than once with the two shoved into each of his sides.

He doesn’t like Skully as much as Jay.

Skully gets them into trouble, situations he’d need the ability to talk to get out of.

He can’t talk like he used to, it’s staticky, unfamiliar, it hurts. Not a lot hurts him anymore, but that does.

He’s always hated Alex, even before they started changing. He hated how Alex spoke to Jay, like an angry parent scolding a child. He hated how Alex screamed at them during rehearsals- who cares that the dog is there?? Leave Seth alone.

Jessica was his favorite. He still thinks about her when it’s late and the clock strikes three in the morning. He feels bad. He feels like he failed.

Amy was kind, she liked to talk to Brian about anything that could take her mind off of Alex. Brian wished he could’ve helped them both.

The operator takes things too fast. They didn’t deserve to die.

He keeps photos of both of them in his wallet, memorials of some kind. To show he remembers.

It’s hard to remember.

Could see himself living a happy life with Jay and Tim somewhere far away, in the woods. He feels connected to the woods. Like he was born and raised there. He wasn’t.

Unhealthily attached to the two men, but it’s hard not to be when they could be torn away at any moment.

Bruised and scarred knuckles and hands.

Takes an ungodly amount of pills to fight the operator sickness, which in turn makes him more into hoodie and less into Brian.

Will and has killed. Don’t ask who.

Misses what little memory he has left of his mom. He knows she’s alive, but she thinks he’s missing and dead.

Brian was the first.

It only followed Tim, Tim is immune to fully contracting the sickness. Brian is not.

Hates blankets. Too constricting. Too easy to get tangled. Sleeps on top of everything on a bed.

Strangely warm, always.

Eyes are crazed and dark. He used to have pretty green eyes with sparkles of hazel in the lines. Now they were black, pupils almost completely succumbed to dark color fading in. He looked strange. Scarred face, crooked nose from being broken, blackening eyes.

Medic. He has a first aid in his backpack.

Has stitched up Jay and Tim more than once.

Has a knife in his combat boots.

Likes to trace the scars on Tim’s arms, but he can only do it when Tim is Masky.

Loves Jay and Tim, but he’ll never say it.

That’s all for now! Bye!

[mqriuss]

As an Apt-06 model, does Aptroid reader look like all the other Apt-06’s? Does Rindou walk on the street and get startled by the ghost of your face on a different person? Does he go home and hold Aptroid reader a little closer that night when he recalls seeing snother Apt-06 model left abandoned, bent and broken in a dark rainy alleyway? Or did Renji modify Aptroid reader before sending the package to Rindou’s place, customizing her face and body to be unique so she’s one of a kind despite sharing the same model number with others?

These are all really good questions, but every Aptroid looks different regardless of their model! (Unless for some reason they wanted to invent twins or triplet Aptroids then... yeah, they would look identical lmao). Aptroids look like humans and looking the same (as other Aptroids) would only make them easier to identify. Though maybe the earlier models of Aptroids looked the same until they started increasing in number and things were becoming more advanced so they started getting unique features.

Also 04, 05, 06, and 07 Aptroid models are the same as in they don't have any distinct and visible physical features that differentiates them from each other. The only way to know what model they are is by checking under their tongue with a flashlight, without the flashlight you won't be able to see their code. An example of an Aptroid code looks like this: 0720801230. 07 is the model type, 2080 is the year it was created, 12 is the month it was created and 30 would be the date. Another example: 0520670415.

Ok let's talk about reader's appearance now. Her case is honestly pretty weird cuz she's actually the default LIV Aptroid. To jog your memory, LIV is an Aptroid Girlfriend brand owned by one of the mega corporations in this au.

So... Renji did not customize her at all before giving her to Rindou. And sometimes Rindou really wishes Renji did it for him beforehand. Why? Well, there's two reasons: can you imagine being Rindou, walking along the streets lit up by neon signs and suddenly an advertisement for LIV, a hologram that looks exactly like you walks up to him, and starts flirting with him in ways he has never seen you do.

That, and there's a scene I kinda scrapped from my first post for cyberpunk Rindou where he actually gets a message from Renji saying that he kept her on default because he wasn't sure what kind of appearance and personality Rindou would like in a girlfriend. So then there's a scene of Rindou trying to customize her but... he just can't.

The thing is, most people do that with their Aptroid partners BEFORE interacting with them and normally they keep that appearance forever. Though some people want to use their Aptroid partners as some kind of barbie doll and change up their look every now and then.

But Rindou got to interact with you first. I mean, you literally welcomed him home after work on his birthday and startled him. You were his girlfriend before he even knew it. He felt... weirded out by the idea of changing your whole appearance and personality in general. He's never really thought about dating an Aptroid anyway, so if he ever found someone he likes, he wouldn't try to change them. So he treats you the same way. Also that guy is really chill, he'll get along with just about anyone so it never would have mattered to him.

I like to think Renji brings it up to him like, "you could have the girl of your dreams! Why keep her on default?"

But Rindou would simply shrug, it just feels weird to him. There's no other explanation.

However, Aptroids adapt to their surroundings and the people they spend a lot of time around. So for you, that's Rindou.

(fun fact: the newer models like 06 and 07s have shown to adapt in a quicker timespan compared to older models).

Perhaps it's wishful thinking, but Rindou really does think you've started becoming... real. The LIV advertisements bothered him more in the early stages of your relationship, but over time, he's started to see them as just different people—well, Aptroids—compared to you.

But those are advertisements. The LIV advertisements are customized differently to attract different customers. Not every customer has the same reasons for having Aptroid partners anyway. My point is, Rindou doesn't think the advertisements are actually default LIV Aptroids. You were a default. Your base personality was a standard one. Your body, face and hair type were also default LIV settings. But as time went on, you started feeling more and more like your own person, and Rindou could be a part of the reason. You adapted to him.

So to test this, Rindou would probably go to one of the LIV showrooms and ask for a true default LIV.

(Out of boredom and genuine curiosity of course! He's totally not trying to justify his thoughts about you becoming real)

Anyway, he isn't even given the original and first ever LIV Aptroid because she, too, has adapted to her surroundings. So they show him a new one. And it's hard to describe the way he feels when he interacts with her and compares her to you.

You're just not the same. She isn't his.

collection masterlist

note: kinda wish i could expand more on that last part where he meets a default LIV Aptroid, i might do that in a separate post one day, but here's what i got for you guys today! and happy valentines <3

[a-man-in-the-crowd]

hihi i love everything about this post BUT i heard you mention the original william wilson being a cardsharper and came running to yap forgive me LMAO

i have like a huge card hyperfixation and when i read william wilson the main thing that rlly stuck with me is the card scene and since then i've been trying to think how that might relate to nevermore. after all, strategy games are a huge motif in this comic.

a theory i've seen going around is that will is supposed to be wilson, the dopplegänger, and montresor takes the place of the narrator. there's a lot to talk about there, but something i wanted to mention was that while will is never shown to play cards, monty is.

and, forgive me for perhaps reading a bit too much into this, but based on his 'ace in the hole' comment, it'd seem he's specifically referencing stud poker but like idk maybe he's just using whatever poker-related phrase to get his point across, it doesn't rlly matter i'm just yapping

in william wilson, wilson exposes william as a cheater at an underground casino (? idk some underground betting place). if the theory that will is wilson and monty is william then, well, i can only wonder how monty's been cheating. just a thought idk

back to the ace in the hole thing, i'm taking this to mean monty sees people as cards, things to use when need. if ada's his ace, what does that make will?

i think will is monty's wild card. wild cards are basically any card that by that game's rules can act as any other card (e.g: to make a straight/flush or five of a kind) yk. like will. who's always turning into who he needs to be to assist monty.

another way to look at it is that will is already playing cards without making it obvious.

basically every card game has the concept of keeping your cards to yourself, or at least not giving them all away. like in this scene that keeps me up at night!

whether from monty's instruction or by his own accord, will very deliberately chooses to reveal an ability that even he would think is useless. after all, who needs more of him? we know he has serious self-esteem issues, there's no way he thinks his duplication ability is useful. he can afford to reveal this ability, or card, because no one cares and if anything it'll make people deem him less of a threat. no need to pay attention to him!

he also has crazy good memory, too. he perfectly mimicks duke's appearance, save for the colour of his bowtie that no one would have noticed were it not for eulalie already being suspicious due to her rods (i don't doubt eula would have noticed anything amiss even without her rods, but it definitely helped that she had them), and the same for lenore. mind you, he's barely seen either of these people and of the two times he's met duke one of them was out of his uniform.

this trait of his probably wasn't written with cards in mind and rather for plot convenience (which is fine, of course) but if i REALLY wanted to fit this in to my card game nonsense, it's worth noting that memory is very important in a lot of card games. you gotta keep track of which cards have been played or given out, the number of cards in each player's hands, etc etc. all those little details. much like how will is very accurate in keeping track of the details people's appearances.

and one last thing. yk how the main colours in playing cards are black and red? i'm just saying!

anyways yes you get it!! the fact will uses ribbons as his weapon?? he entangles other people?? i'm thinking maybe it reflects how in life he always wanted people to be dragged into his shit and not the other way around, or how whatever stuff he got pulled into eventually hurt the people around him but like honestly no clue

Fellow William analyst, greetings! I hope you are well, I hope you don't mind a question/ask.

I am curious about your thoughts on the lack of reaction we see of Will at the "one life" reveal at the dinner scene, if you haven't already shared your thoughts before! We know Annabel wasn't shocked, but what about Will?

It took me longer to answer than I thought, sorry

I'm not sure I can say anything new, but yes, it's pretty damn suspicious. The composition of the frame stylized as broken glass, makes it easy to draw Will with everyone, and a frame later we see him with other panicking students, so RnF didn't show his reaction quite intentionally.

But I also want to talk about his behavior further. In the next episode, Will doesn't behave the way you expect him to. Given his weak-willed personality, it seems like he should be scared and overwhelmed by the prospect of a survival game (like Morella for example) but he's confused at best, and moreover, confused by everyone else's reactions. He even tries to justify the deans, basically gaslighting the rest of the students.

Will is not afraid, but he does not understand why others are. I have only two possible explanations: either he knew, or he just doesn't care, just like Annabel. Or maybe both.

Maybe he has played these games before. Maybe he doesn't plan to fight for a second life (at least not in Nevermore, again just like Annabel). Maybe because he is somehow connected with the academic staff with all his doll aesthetic, there is no second life for him in general, he just works there. There are many options, but here I would prefer to focus on his parallels with Annabel - two characters whose reactions we don't see in this frame.

This is actually not the only scene where they are absent, contrary to common sense. In episode 6 we see the merit board for the first time. Most of the names on it are blurred, but some can be distinguished. Among them are Lenore, Annabel, Duke, Morella, Ada, Prospero and Will. All of them, except Annabel and Will, are present in the room at this moment.

I wouldn't have paid much attention to this scene if it weren't for Prospero. Why is he there? He doesn't speak a single line, and we haven't been introduced to him as a character yet. His presence here is useless. So maybe the idea really was for all the characters whose names were visible on the board to be in the scene(or at least have already been introduced, like Annabel).

So what about Will? My main problem with shapeshifter characters is that they can be anyone, anywhere, at any point in the story. Especially if they can also create their own copies. He could have already been introduced and we just didn't notice.

Now let's talk about the games these kids love to play so much. We know that Annabel is a talented chess player, and Montresor constantly uses card game slang. But did you know that it was William Wilson from Poe's original story who was a cardsharper? I just think it's such an interesting detail. Nevermore`s Will has never been seen like this, but considering how much of a board game aesthetic this webtoon has, I think it's important to note this.

And finally, there is a similarity that also makes them very different: both Annabel and Will have ribbons as an essential symbol, but it has a completely opposite meaning for each of them. For Annabel, the ribbons are a symbol of madness, fear, and perhaps her golden cage. It appears in her hallucinations after Lenore's fake death, as well as when Ada shows her her main fear.

Will, on the other hand? The ribbons are his weapon. He uses them to tangle other people. Curious, although his spectre is obviously a marionette, he doesn't have a control bar for strings, he controls the strings himself (not always successful but still).

No matter how weak-willed Will is, he's the only one in Annabel's group who isn't influenced by her. She blackmails Montresor, Prospero respects her as a leader and friend, Ada admires and envies her. But she doesn't have anything on Will. In the chess allegory, he will obviously be a pawn (and I`ll write a whole post about it, I swear), but not Annabel's pawn. I have an idea that sooner or later, Montresor will think of using Will to find dirt on Annabel in revenge. After all, given their spectre abilities, it's easier for them to find out lenabel's secret.

So, let's summarize what we found. Absolutely nothing. This post turned out to be longer than I had planned, because I was a little carried away, but I hope you found something interesting for yourself in this stream of thoughts.

Here, take funny little Will everyone. He deserves to be noticed.

[vparka]

Thinking about Montague's hotel, the Grand Glacier. It's so preeetttyyyyyy. i'm almost always landing there when I play BR,,,

Can you imagine an alternative universe where Montague and Midas grow old together and they own the hotel ??

Like, they're the lovely old couple that owns a luxurious hotel (the papers have Montague's name, but since Midas is his husband, he's the co-owner now) !!! people don't know about it now 'cause of the years that have passed, but on their prime years they both were an absolute menace and cooked evil plans on there. but now they're old and retired, you can see Montague having breakfast and greeting the guests mindlessly while Midas sits down on their usual table, kisses Montague's forehead and gives him his usual coffee. Montague would slice his pain au chocolat in half and offer it to Midas, who instead of taking it would take a bite while Montague holds the pastry. Montague might look annoyed and say something like

"it's your fault my hair is greying now, i can't with you."

but Midas would smile a little bit and respond something like

"But you look really good with grey hair."

Montague would take a sip of his coffee to break eye contact and whisper. "You too. You're lucky you're aging really well. Comme un bon vin." [Like fine wine.] they're both disgustingly sweet. <3

They reminisce about the chaos they caused together on the island: raids, killing enemies, stealing data, evil masterplans. the usual romantic stuff. They sit and think about it on one of the benches in the hotel's garden. And they just love each other so much: when they aren't together they definitely glance at their diamond&gold matching rings. definitely. methinks.

They're also still kind of cold towards others and ppl don't know how they got together, but only they & ppl who are close to them know how well they fit together...

Aaaaand... they might be the kind of grandparents that will give money and candy to their grandchildren when the parents aren't looking. bonus points if its Midas sneaking a couple of golden coins to Jules' kids (Nitroengineering!!!)

[xxwelxx]

PJSK DOODLE DUMP!!

The nene and rui were one of the first ever things I drew from pjsk (emu and tsukasa’s hairs were genuinely a nightmare to figure out..)

[myreygn]

modern au dad askeladd except he's not an actual dad but this random kid shows up to his house every day and tries to have beef over the closed food store askeladd bought and turned into an antiquarian store. turns out the food store used to be run by the kid's father until he passed away which is very sad of course but also askeladd is not gonna cooperate with some brat that borderline harasses him day by day. only that he can't call the cops because he kinda has a turbulent past and if they find out he's filling his store with stolen goods it's gonna become a huge problem. and note to destiny, the stupid kid finding out is not that great either because now he has to hear it out if he doesn't wanna go to prison and also he should probably learn the demon child's name while he's at it. shenanigans ensue.

[larluce]

I don't know if I got the whole idea right, but what I understood is that Merlin can go back in time to any of the times he died when he dies, but he believes he is dreaming. Which is a very creative concept, especially because Merlin would be creating a lot of alternative timelines without knowing.

In my head these are all the times Merlin would come back too, because, without knowing, Merlin actually died and came back to life instead of "surviving":

Series 1

"The Poisoned Chalice" - Nimueh's poison

"The Gates of Avalon" - Sidhe blast of magic directed at him.

"Le Morte d'Arthur" - Nimueh's fireball

Series 3

"The Tears of Uther Pendragon" - Serket

Series 4

"The Darkest Hour" - Frozen to death

"A Servant of Two Masters" - Fatal wound

Series 5

"Arthur's Bane" - Brain concussion/internal bleeding.

"The Hallow Queen" - Fatal wound/poison

"The Kindness of Strangers" - Fatal wound

What I would add (or change, since, again, I'm not sure I got all the prompt correctly) is that when Merlin comes back to any of those times he died and then dies again, the Merlin from that original timeline comes back and would be all confused because there's this mental gap where he apparently acted like a complete different person. That is if Merlin from the future doesn't decide to stay in that timeline, but since he keeps believing he's dreaming I guess he wouldn't cause he doesn't know he has the choice to stay.

The thing is, since Merlin believes he's dreaming, he just do what he wants, like he doesn't bother lying anymore.

After he comes back to life in "The Kindness of Strangers"

Merlin: (arriving)

Arthur: Where have you been?! 😡

Merlin: (deadpans) Dying.

Arthur: Very funny.

Merlin: (Shows his wound)

Arthur: What the- 😨 What happened?! Are you alright?! (Checks Merlin, worried)

Merlin: (deadpans again) I'm fine, the dragon healed me.

Arthur: The dragon?

Merlin: Oh, yeah. You didn't kill the dragon. It's still alive.

Arthur: WHAT?! 😱

Merlin: (gives Arthur the little box Finna gave him) Here, it's a prophesy that says you will die at Camlann. Don't ever go there.

Arthur: What are you even talking about?! Have you gone insane?!

Merlin: Yeah, I don't think it matters, you're not real and you have never believed me anyways. (Looks at Arthur with nostalgia) You are still as handsome as I remember though.

Arthur: Wha...what? 😳

Merlin: (smiles) I missed you a lot, prat. It's good to be here. Now, if you excuse I'll go greet Gaius and Gwen, I've missed them too. (Leaves)

Arthur: (startles out of his shock) Wait! Merlin! (Runs after him)

After he comes back to life in "The Hollow Queen"

Merlin: (out of nowhere) Your Queen is enchanted.

Arthur: What?! 😨

Enchanted Gwen: (giggles) Oh, that's a good one Merlin.

Merlin: (still deadpaning) I'm not joking. Morgana brainwashed you when you were in the dark tower and now has you under her control. Also, Gwen doesn't even laugh like that. Girl keep up.

Arthur: Merlin! 😠

Merlin: Yeah, whatever. Believe what you want. I'm leaving. (Leaves)

Gwen: Are you going to let him disrespect me like that?! 😡

Arthur: I'm sure he's just-

Gwen: I want him executed inmediatly! 😤

Arthur: ...

Arthur: Okay, maybe you are indeed enchanted.

And it goes on and on. Merlin also doesn't bother hiding his magic anymore in each timeline so we get multiple magic reveals and multiples Arthurs that have to come to terms with his best friend being a sorcerer and feeling guilty once they learn what Merlin has done for them. Multiple Arthurs that fell in love with Merlin and have to watch him die just for Merlin to resurrect with no memories of the last few weeks or months.

It's valentines, i know, but i'm aroace and therefore not bound to the conventions of love! Have some hurt minimal comfort!

Concept idea:

Overkill potential

After Arthur's death Merlin waits. He waits a long time until all those he called family are dead, their descendents having forgotten their existence, the walls of camelot crumbled to ruins despite his best attempts to prevent it. So Merlin tries to follow Arthur, he lets himself sink to the bottom of Avalon lake, he knows he can't die but he wants to rest. Slowly air leaves his lungs, his vision blurrs until it fades to black, his ears ring. And then nothing. Silence.

His lungs draw in air and he sits up. His body feels too hot and too cold, his muscles stiff and joints aching but not from age like he has grown used to, instead from sickness and disuse.

"Gaius? Gwen?", he whispers as he sees Gwen, his queen, his first friend in Camelot, hug Gaius, his mentor and father figure. They flinch.

Suddenly Gwen has her arms slung around him, her lips meet his. He freezes. Gwen draws back, biting her lip and shaking her head. At least they both agree how kissing isn't for them.

"Merlin! You're alive!" Gaius patts his shoulder before ruffling his hair. "We feared the worst."

And suddenly Merlin understands. He is reliving his memories. After Nimueh had tried to kill him, his first encounter with death, this exact thing happened. He is just dreaming because his body is unable to properly come to life yet. It's okay. He can see his friends for a bit.

"Don't worry, I'm very bad at following orders, even when they come from the universe itself." Gaius gives him an odd look. That hasn't happened before... maybe his brain is adjusting the dream based on his actions and his knowledge of the people around him? Probably. Most likely.

Because none of this could be real. He studied magic, time travel was impossible. He checked. He could make time slower and faster but reverse its flow or stop it? No. Not even he could force time to do that. So it must be a dream. Of course it's a dream.

Yeah... it's not a dream. Every time he dies he creates basically a safe file, depending on how often the next death could kill a normal human he reverts back in files (>1 death potential) or stays in the same (1 death potential). The drowning thing? Given he didn't resurface? Very big death/overkill potential. Flinging him all the way back to his first death. Nimueh's poison. And how is Merlin supposed to explain that to anyone? Therefore hurt cuz Merlin dies a lot and believes it all to be a dream. Minimal comfort because he gets to see his friends!

[hoonieyun]

date with bachelor number four

welcome to, "is he mr. right?", the dating game! where a lucky girl who is looking for love has the opportunity to go on a date with four handsome and eager bachelor's who are also looking for love.

this is an interactive dating show au where the readers can vote on "yn's" decisions, ultimately leading to who she will be with at the end... but more on that later!

heeseung 𐐪♡𐑂 jongseong 𐐪♡𐑂 jaeyun 𐐪♡𐑂 sunghoon

warnings: not really but pls lmk - 18+ not proofread lol

wc: 3022

episode four: date with bachelor number four

memories of last episode replay in your head causing you to smile at the thought. jay’s beautiful song, the delicious food, and jay’s unwavering attention that just drew you into him. there’s no such thing as perfect but to you, that date was perfect. it was all you could talk about for the last few days besides the fact that whoever the next guys are, their dates better blow your mind because jay was currently in first place by a great margin. 

when the next filming day eventually arrived, you and your style team spent a good chunk of time while you were getting ready just giggling and talking about your first date. they were telling you about how giddy it made them feel watching it back and how everyone on the internet had already started to root for you and jay to be endgame. they even went as far as to show you the hashtag viewers trended called “SingForMeJay”, “YNPrettyLikeASong” and “YNJayMrandMrsRight”. 

you laughed at the idea of those hashtags because they were somewhat long for a tag and you weren’t even sure if jay could be the one based off of one date. of course the date was better than you could’ve expected and it set a benchmark moving forward for the rest of the dates; but you couldn’t tell for sure if jay is mr. right just based on that. 

but he was sure on his way to earn that title. 

your outfit for today was pretty simple but cute. the stylists didn’t give you any hints on what your date was going to be but all they said was that the outfit they styled for you had to be comfortable for the activities this date would entail. you were nervous that the date would involve some physical activity because of that comment but considering your outfit didn’t look like activewear, you ruled that out fairly quickly. 

the outfit for today’s date consisted of baggy jeans, a comfy blue zip up hoodie and a crop top underneath. it was pretty sunny today but there was a consistent breeze so you made sure to keep the hoodie zipped up so you wouldn’t get chilly. 

and just like before, you’re driven to the location of the date. the car you were riding in had the windows covered so you couldn’t see where you were and once the car came to a halt, the PA blindfolds you just like last time. 

for some reason, you were way more nervous today than the last date. you thought it would get easier since you kind of got the first date jitters away, but because this date was completely different from the last; your mind wandered to all of the things that could go wrong. 

what if you trip and fall? 

what if the bachelor doesn’t like your outfit? 

what if the two of you don’t mix well? 

“alright, yn. ready?” the PA asks and you just nod, her hand grabbing yours as she carefully guides you out of the car and onto the filming spot. you could hear plenty of things going on around you, people talking, large machinery you assumed, and the overall sound of large groups of people. you couldn’t put your finger on it but you felt like it was at the tip of your tongue, you just couldn’t fully decipher where you were. 

on the count of three, you’re instructed to take off your blindfold and turn around, to which you did and are met with one of your favorite places. the amusement park, specifically the sanrio amusement park. this place held a lot of fond memories for you because it was not only the place you and your friends would often frequent but this was where you went on your first date with your most recent ex. 

sure, the two of you have broken up and are probably finding new people– but you held onto the good memories of that relationship even if it sometimes left a bitter taste in your mouth when you reminsce on the closing days of your relationship. the tension between you and your ex as you both try to avoid the inevitable. you two just weren’t on the same page anymore and that’s okay. 

“are you excited?” the producer asks from behind the camera and you nod, telling him that you love amusement parks so this date was already going well for you. “alright, today you’re going on a date with bachelor number four, he’s waiting for you at the entry gate so go ahead and find him, ok?” you’re told and with that, you make your way over to the gate with no help. 

it was like you knew this place like the back of your hand. 

soon enough, a person standing all by himself with a large mymelody plushie covering him comes into your vision. he’s standing in the middle of the gate and the sight alone makes you smile. it was cute that he had gotten you the abnormally large plushie but the fact that he was hiding behind it made him so much cuter. 

you were excited to meet him, all of the nerves already leaving your body as you arrived at the familiar and favorite location, but the image of the boy in front of you helped seize it fullty. “hi, are you my date?” you ask as you come to a halt in front of him. the excitement soon leaves your body and nerves quickly return when he moves the plushie away to reveal himself. 

jake, your ex-boyfriend. 

both of your faces mirror one another, wide eyed and mouth ajar at the unexpected reunion between the two of you. neither of you couldve expected to see each other, especially not in these circumstances so shock was an understatement. you felt almost blindsided? there was no way production knew that jake was your ex and no way for jake to have known you were going to be on the show so although you didn’t want to call it merely a coincidence, there was no other explanation. 

“um, can we cut?” you ask and the team around you just exchange awkward glances with one another, not doing anything as the producer looks at you with a puzzle expression. “i said cut!” frustration in your voice as you walk away, heading to where they had dropped you off. everyone on the production crew halt filming, a single cameraman following you as you walk away while the producer tells everyone to reset and hold places for filming to start again while they try to figure out what happened with you. 

“can you give me a minute, please?” you ask the cameraman and he reluctantly stops filming, at some point he was a bit nervous to stop because he didn’t want to risk his job but the troubled expression on your face prompted him to comfort you. “hey, is everything ok?” he asks, a sniffle coming from you in response, choosing to stay silent because you didn’t know how you even felt at this moment. 

“you’re clearly going through something, just tell me; it’ll make you feel better.” he offers once more and so you take his kindness and tell him what’s wrong. 

“that guy- the bachelor for this week; he’s my ex.” you explain and his face softens, like he completely understands the root of your behavior, no need for further explanation. “i didn’t think i’d see him but it’s been so long– i wasn’t ready for any of that..” you continue.

“so, this is it? you’re just going to walk away because you’re scared?” jake says, running his hands through his hair with a huff of frustration. the two of you originally met up to just “talk” but this talk has turned into a 2 hour long conversation, talking in circles and unable to arrive at a conclusion about your relationship. you loved jake and jake loved you but he wanted something you weren’t ready for. jake wanted to settle down, start a family, and build a life together but you were so young. 

you wanted to have a life with jake so badly but would it be at the cost of your youth? the two of you still had so much to live for, so much to learn and to see and to experience. you loved jake, but you loved yourself too much to deprive yourself from not being able to experience all the world had to offer. 

“i’m not afraid– i’ve never been afraid. jake i tell you this all the time, the one thing i value most in my life is my freedom, and i’m not saying that being with you will take that away but… 

right now i’m going to choose my freedom because it’s the one thing i know i will always have no matter what and i think if i were to settle down right now, my freedom would be an option opposed to the noptio.” and with that, you told jake goodbye, walking away from your boyfri- now ex-boyfriend, tears running from your eyes while jake watched your figure get smaller and smaller as you walked further and further away from him. 

the life he thought he had planned out with you failing before it even started. 

“for what it’s worth, your freedom should never be up for debate when finding someone to love you. your freedom should be something he helps you embrace, not something he takes away from you.” you give the cameraman a thankful glance partnered with a smile. 

filming resumes just minutes after your peptalk with the cameraman, a sense of comfort that only a stranger who knows nothing about you can provide because he was in no position to judge you; but instead to choose kindness. 

you apologize to all of the staff and crew, sending an apologetic gaze to the producer who simply just waves it off and tells the crew to begin filming at his countdown. “are you ok?” jake asks and you just nod, tidying yourself and putting on your best fake smile for the cameras. 

you and jake try your best to reenact the initial meeting, big and bright smiles on your faces in comparison to the first time where you both mirrored your shocked expressions. “hi, i’m jake.” he says, offering you the giant plushie in his arms to which you slowly accept before thanking him and introducing yourselves. you aren’t sure how your chemistry was going to read to viewers through a screen but you were going to try your best to give this date the benefit of the doubt. 

sure there was still some resentment between the two of you but if jake was willing to try; so will you. 

the date goes on, jake taking you to your favorite spots of the whole amusement park, your usual routine since your very first date. it made you laugh a bit knowing that he chose this as the first date because it was just like your very first one all those years ago. he took you to bumper cars, to which he always drove because he knew you were a bit scared to drive the bumper cars. 

then he brought you to several carnival game tents where he won you several sanrio plushies because he knew how to beat the riggory behind the games, a triumphant and proud smile on his face each time he won another prize and an even bigger smile when he’d see how happy you got that he won you something. 

just like old times, you dragged jake to a few rollercoasters that you were excited to ride and knew he’d be scared of. that was always the dynamic between the two of you when it came to rollercoasters; you’d tease jake for being scared and he’d try to show you he wasn’t but he’d end up clutching onto you with his eyes closed until you’d pat him on the heqad to let him know it was over. 

much like how you were now as the rollercoaster came to a halt, jake had his eyes shut while he clung onto you, comfort washing over him knowing that you’re by his side. something that he’s missed for a long time. 

“okay, no more rides. please.” jake says, dramatically clutching his chest like he just got done fighting for his life when the ride lasted less than 3 minutes and was the slowest of them all. “stop being a drama queen, come on!” you say with a chuckle, grabbing jake by his hand and dragging him to the next ride. your hand in his caught jake off guard, but he didn’t oppose. he did always think that your hand fit in his the best, like it was meant to fit into his as if it was molded by a sculptor. 

“last one, i promise.” you say as the two of you arrive at the giant ferris wheel, hello kitty’s face in the center of the large circle. the sun had gone down by now and the anxiety from the beginning was long gone, the two of you falling into your usual routine before you broke up. like no time has passed and this was merely another date the two of you had planned. the bitterness of reality yet to come back as neither of you choose not to focus on the fact that you are no longer together, haven’t been for awhile, and this was all for a tv show. 

when your carriage on the ferris wheel arrives, jake helps you on first and follows you after, a slight wavering in his expression as he steps onto the suspended cage. “it’ll be okay, jake.” you reassure him. thankfully the camera crew couldn’t follow you because there were only two per carriage so they followed behind. 

“was there a reason you wanted to go on here so bad? what if we fall?” jake says, slightly peering over and taking a gander at the height that you were now at and instantly leaning back when he sees how high up you were. 

“aside from seeing you all scared like this?” you ask, a teasing gaze. jake just pouting at you in response, “i wanted a chance to talk to you without having the cameras in our face.” you explain and jake gives you a nod in acknowledgement. 

“i know it;s been a while since we last saw each other and i know we didn’t necessarily end on the best terms but– i hope you’re well, jake. 

i never meant to hurt you and i’m sorry i chose myself but i did love you. i loved you so much.” you confessed, jake’s hand flying to your face as he softly wipes away your tears with his thumb. you grab onto his hand and melt into his touch, a type of longing you didn’t realize you had been yearning for until it was brought back to you. 

“you have nothing to apologize for. i just want you to know that i’ll never hold it against you to choose your happiness and freedom, i just wish i could’ve been the one to give that to you. maybe i still can..?” he says, hope in his eyes as the moonlight reflected in them.

“yeah..” you say and when jake looks into your eyes, he sees all the color of the world, pink, red, blue, and so many more that he wishes he could identify but your gaze alone was enough to leave him in awe. the loud popping of fireworks fills the park as bright combinations of colors illuminate the darkness of the night. 

traditional shapes of fireworks are partnered with those that resemble the images of beloved sanrio characters. you and jake take turns pointing out the ones you recognize, appreciating the joy of the moment as you two forget about the past, thinking that maybe this was an instance where moving on and starting over was a possibility. 

an option that neither of you knew were available. 

you gently place your head onto jake’s shoulder and he places his on top of your head as the two of you take in the rest of the night, finding comfort in each other and the familiarity seeping back in as the fireworks drown out the looming feeling that something could go wrong. 

once the ride was over, concluding your date; you give jake a short hug goodbye. jake wishing that he could hold onto that feeling for the rest of his life. 

“what was your favorite part of the date?”

yn: the rollercoasters, for sure jake: not the rollercoasters… that’s for sure. maybe seeing how happy yn got when i won her a prize?

“would you date the other?”

yn: yeah jake: 100% yes

“do you think he’ll be mr. right?”

yn: it’s too early to say but i definitely think he might have a good chance “do you think you’ll be mr. right?”

jake: i’ll do my best to be that for her.

after the question is asked, you try to get up and leave but you’re told to sit back down as they had another question for you, same with jake who was doing his interview in a different location. 

“your conversation together on the ferris wheel, you do realize you’re still mic’d up right?” 

yn: oh.. jake: i see.. 

the two of you hadn’t even taken that into consideration when choosing to talk about your past. no one besides the two of you, and the cameraman, knew about the two of you being exes, and now the whole crew knew about it. you didn’t know how it was going to reside with the audience but since it was briefly touched upon in previous episodes, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad that everyone knew. not like it was something to hide. 

“how does it feel to see your ex again?”

yn: i’m not sure, but i just know it was better than the last time we saw each other.  jake: it feels like fate.. 

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hoonieyun notes: eeee some angst for todays episode!! did you guess right that jake was bachelor number four AND the ex that was referenced in the last chapters?

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[chiropteracupola]

a little pain now, to save a great deal more pain later

[flintlock fortress is a collaboration with @dxppercxdxver]

[phoenixcatch7]

If there's one thing I like more than time travel it's crossover reincarnation, so.

Botk link reincarnated as Damian Wayne.

An incredible weapon master of all types, but especially prodigious with a sword - he was beating knights at the age of 4 and with his memories as intact as they get for him I can see that goalpost moving even further (probably with traps and tricks, a 3yo doesn't exactly have great bodily control).

He's an excellent survivalist, agile, strong, durable, cunning and creative. He can move like a feather in the breeze, strike from behind with ease. His first kill, an animal, did not stir him as it did the other children. With his poise, grace, skills, obedience, he ought to be ra'as' finest assassin in the making, a jewel in the crown of the league.

Except he never speaks a word. Half his targets escape unscathed. He skates by true punishment on the merit of his skills and achievements in other missions. Testing has shown it is not a physical deformity that prevents his speech, but not even talia has been able to coaxe a word from him past his second birthday.

It is a defect ra'as is growing more and more frustrated by, as each attempt to fix these two final flaws ends in resounding failure. Less extreme solutions are running dry.

Talia fears those solutions. Her child does too, she knows. For them, there is a possible solution, more extreme than anything ra'as would tolerate.

She sends him out of the league. To his father.

To Gotham.

[thethingything]

I hate that feeling of like, knowing you have some emotional stuff going on in the background that you have to process but you can't seem to access the emotions properly or figure out exactly what's going on with them so you have no fucking clue where to start. like okay I know I have to deal with this shit but I'd at least like to know what shit I'm trying to deal with

[dawei-s]

Close to my grandma's age when she had my dad literally wtf

[allylikethecat]

To the anon that has recommended The Secret History by Donna Tartt to me - I haven't started it yet but I bought it today and it is now in my possession 😊