#also side note: seeking validation is like a toxic relationship and I think I never should ever talk about anything I get done ever again

[spotlightstudios]

Random Post (mild rant?)

Just smth I've noticed for a long time, but the only time I 'lose weight' enough that it looks good on me enough-so that my parents will point it out? It's usually only when I've been forgetting to eat, skipping meals, etc.

Like, it's not malicious or anything, just interesting. The first time I noticed it was when I was (probably depressed) during the lock-down and kept only eating like... a meal a day. My dad mentioned it, and I realized that he meant it as a genuine compliment, and I wasn't mad at him (especially w/ how my mom focuses on her body-weight). It was just sad that I was literally not eating enough and *that* was when I looked good.

And it's a common theme. Like. I'm just built to be boxy and have some chub. I used to Golf, walking all 18 holes multiple nights a week, swinging w/ my core, that didn't help my figure all that much. All that activity abd burning calories. But I skip meals a few days and I look like what my supposed Ideal Body type would be? It's sad. I don't bother to lust after a figure for myself, because I would rather have enough calories to get through my day than look "good". It's a lesson I learned pretty easily, honestly. It just makes me sad when people talk about their own weight, because it tends to be genetic. That's it. Working out and eating less can only do so much, and it's usually not worth it.

So. Yeag. Just getting this one off my chest because I may have self-sabotaged a bit abd am correcting that right-quick. I just wish I could beam my thoughts into ppls brains do they could understand my logic here lmao.

[vergilsfavoritebee]

I posted 4,229 times in 2022

16 posts created (0%)

4,213 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@clubolive

@phoenixyfriend

@decisiontoleave

@storylinecaroline

@tartrazeen

I tagged 141 of my posts in 2022

#heartstopper - 11 posts

#charlie spring - 9 posts

#nick nelson - 9 posts

#eeaao - 8 posts

#nick and charlie - 7 posts

#heartstopper comic - 7 posts

#heartstopper tv - 7 posts

#mine - 7 posts

#heartstopper netflix - 7 posts

#so true bestie - 4 posts

Longest Tag: 99 characters

#but it’s so important for queer ppl to have other queer ppl in their lives outside of relationships

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I think people crush on Nick Nelson so hard because most of Heartstopper’s audience identifies way more with Charlie. But I really hope there are people who are like, “Where’s my Charlie Spring? 🥺”

Because wishing for a person who is out and proud, supports your coming out journey, is really smart and thoughtful, has badass music taste*, and built-in amazing friends is just as valid a thing to wish for as a goofy, sporty, golden-retriever partner with heart eyes.

🍃🍂🍃🍂

*you may disagree about Charlie’s taste, but I’m sorry, Charlie liking Radiohead and The Strokes matches my fantasy, sorry about it. And from the comics we know he likes Chloe Moriondo, The Vaccines, and Muse.

318 notes - Posted May 9, 2022

#4

I made this just to gauge what people think. Is this accurate?

tumblr eras

2010: beginning of mainstream

true microblogging platform

fuckyeah! blogs

there were actual celebrities on tumblr

2012-2014: twee “tumblr girl” aesthetic and peak fandom (superwholock & homestuck)

“sides” of tumblr (i.e. “science side of tumblr, explain!” and hipster vs. fandom sides of tumblr)

I feel like viria’s and burdge’s PJO and HP art was especially big

“I like your shoelaces”

2014-2020: peak “tumblr discourse” (think Steven Universe and the rise of TERFs); kinda faded out after the kinning wars and that whole rabies thing

2015: John Green/fishingboatproceeds C*ck Monologue and end of post edits

2017-2019: peak musical theater fandom (Hamilton, Be More Chill, etc.), Voltron fandom

2018: p*rn ban and mass exit

2020: ATLA revival (fr that’s all I remember from 2020 tumblr)—jk remember November 2020? election results, Stacey Abrams, destielgate/superhell, et. al.

2021-present: collective memes that are only important on tumblr (e.g., horse plinko, it’s me i’m the ps5, slug reacts, blorbo, bug ass)

lots of general celebration of queer media (very different from early tumblr where it was all speculation and shipping)

Elon bought twitter, so kind of a new era for tumblr

also, of course, Dracula Daily

960 notes - Posted May 19, 2022

#3

To the Nicks who will likely never see this post:

🍃🍃🍃

Most of the pre-existing Heartstopper fan base and certainly most of the fans on Tumblr are the Charlie Springs of the world. And for them, this show is about the possibility of healthy romance (i want to believe in romaaance) and creating a loving queer community.

But, gosh, I hope the Nick Nelsons of the world find this show. Now that Heartstopper is in the mainstream, I hope the people who have more marginalized identities, who never thought about being anything other than straight but for whom straight doesn’t feel *quite* right, those who deal with toxic masculinity/femininity and don’t feel like they have real friends, this show is for them as much as the Charlies.

And I hope the Nicks who watch this show seek out their Charlies, Taras, Darcys, Elles, Taos, Isaacs, etc. and find a community that loves them for who they are. And I hope one thing you Charlies, Taras, Darcys, Elles, Taos, Isaacs, etc. take from this show is to reach out. This show is so good at demonstrating how being yourself makes others want to be themselves, too!

Much love to the beautiful people on this hellsite:

💖💜💙,

💖💛💙,

🖤🤍💜,

💚🤍🖤,

💖❤️🧡💛💚💙💜,

❤️🧡🤍💗����,

💛🤍💜🖤,

💙💗🤍💗��.

1,143 notes - Posted April 28, 2022

#2

[ID in alt text]

1,292 notes - Posted May 9, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Joe Locke Appreciation

Listen I know Kit absolutely BODIED Nick Nelson but Joe Locke also absolutely killed it.

Like his nervous giggles? His chemistry with the entire friendship group? Every interaction with Tori? And he’s already portraying Charlie’s mental illness so well and subtly. That boy is killin it.

3,174 notes - Posted April 26, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[carpisuns]

maryssa please post all of your marichat hot takes i need them for health reasons

please handle these absolutely scalding takes with care, miss mcwizzy. dont want u to hurt urself. also there are a lot of them so double warning aljsfasjldf

Carpisuns's Hot Marichat Takes That No One Asked For

omg WAIT.... for once someone actually DID ask for them SLKJFDJ ok scratch that

Carpisuns's Super Hot Marichat Takes That, Surprisingly, Someone Did Actually Ask For!! (And Will Probably Regret Asking for as Soon as They Click the Read More djdjdkdm)

marichat tropes are not any more tired/cringey than tropes for any other side of the square. like, what is the real difference between “princess” and “my lady” or a balcony date and a rooftop date lol. they’re all cute and also all have the potential to be overdone fjlaksdlj

the bell is immovable :) zipper is just for show

“chat noir” and “marinette” are not their “true selves.” and “adrien” and “ladybug” are not false/inauthentic versions of themselves. they are themselves all the time, but like any human their behavior changes depending on the situation. there isn’t like a separate list of “chat noir” traits and “adrien” traits or “marinette” traits and “ladybug” traits—all of their traits belong to them at all times whether they are suited up or not, and they are more than just the sum of their parts. they tend to be pretty comfortable interacting as marichat NOT because “they can finally show the real them” but because they both already know each other in another dynamic and there are no crushes or past rejections adding any pressure or uneasiness

marichat is not inherently sexist. yes, adrien wants to protect marinette, but that's not sexism; that's called being a caring friend. and marinette giving comfort to chat noir is not automatically playing into sexist gender roles. that is also being a caring friend. like in any good relationship, there is a healthy give and take. they protect and support and comfort each other. this how it is on all the sides which is why the love square is so great!

on a related note, there is no unhealthy power dynamic between marinette and chat noir. he doesn't think he's better than her because he's a superhero and she's "just a civilian"; he values her intelligence, creativity, skill, talent, strength, and leadership and would never consider her weak or look down on her in any way. and i wouldn’t really consider either of them the “leader” in this dynamic. outside of an active akuma situation they’re on pretty equal ground and i mean what is the power dynamic of two friends chillin’ lol

they take turns being the big/little spoon C:

marinette is not mad that chat likes her as “perfect ladybug” and not as “weak, clumsy marinette.” she has moments of insecurity when she is stressed but in general she has a pretty strong self-esteem and does not seek out or depend on chat noir’s affection for validation

stanning marichat does not mean hating ladrien!! ladrien is a dang good ship and if u don’t like it it then there is something sadly lacking in your understanding/appreciation of the love square—including marichat. also you are depriving yourself of something truly wonderful :(((

same if u hate marichat. most people have a favorite side of the square and that’s a-okay! but i fail to see how you can be a love square stan or a stan of any one side if you don’t enjoy and support all the other sides as well ??

ok but seriously for the love of everything please stop commenting on ladrien fics/art just to say “ladrien sucks, marichat supremacy!!1!!” -_- fun fact that actually makes everyone hate marichat/marichat stans lol and as a marichat stan myself i find the association with that toxicity very exhausting and frustrating !!

marichat is a slowburn friends-to-lovers ship. so if there is no slowburn or u skip friends and go straight to lovers then that is a different dynamic than what is presented in the show. i mean you can call it marichat because it still involves marinette and chat noir but i would not consider it like Official Brand™️ marichat tbh. i don’t wanna sound gatekeepery but also. that is my hot take lol

they’re not sexy,, they’re just very stupid and soft. i am continually confused and frustrated by the fact that marichat is still branded the Sin Ship™️ when canonically they could barely look each other in the eye after doing the traditional cheek kiss greeting lmao

yes there is Bad marichat out there that plays into the things i talked about above but there is also a lot of Good marichat and it is really not that hard to find. so when people say “i like canon marichat but i hate fanon marichat” i just like. don’t really know what that means? lol. like, you hate...all fan-created marichat content ? i assume you just dislike the Sin Ship and the true selves trope and whatnot but there is a lot more than that ?? and it’s sad to see it all get lumped together with the not-so-great stuff and branded Bad Fanon: Do Not Eat lol

marichat cannot exist in isolation. its very existence depends on being part of the square. this might seem like a weird thing to state explicitly but i’ve seen people get mad that there was too much adrienette/ladynoir in a marichat fic and that it wasn’t really “marichat” and i mean….what? lol. because it’s a civilian/hero combo, you have to show how it affects ladynoir and adrienette. u cant just have marichat be dating and then pretend like the other sides of the square don’t exist ? flsjadjk

totally platonic marichat....godly

romantic marichat developed from platonic marichat.....also godly

they would eat dirt and it would be weirdly cute and i have proof

even if marinette and chat noir fell for each other, they'd never just forget OG crush over even fully "get over" them imo. adrien and ladybug will always hold a special place in their heart and they will always love them in some way!

there’s no such thing as post-reveal marichat. if they know each other’s identities then the dynamic has changed and the square has all been absorbed into like Adrienette 2.0 lol

and for the hottest take of all:

marichat good

thank you for your time. please take a goodie bag on the way out

[appleflavoredkitkats]

dream smp war 2 updates

doing a second chain post! i thought it would be appropriate if i did since it seems like there’s a new era of wars coming our way. 

(this post will keep updating by reblogged additions, so feel free to save this post somewhere or follow me to check for new updates every now and then!)

and ya’know, i thought wouldn’t be able to do this, but i realize that where else am i gonna infodump but here? so yea. here i go again.

(if you wanna check the first dream smp war post-war updates, it’s here!)

without further ado, time to explain whatever the heck just happened last stream! timeline of events might be funky because a lot of things happened, but i’ll try my best to at least mention everything that went down in the streams.

wilbur, tommy, tubbo, eret, quackity, and a confused hbomb’s stream - september 22

summary: schlatt and quackity win presidency, tommy and wilbur are exiled, some friends have become traitors, some foes have become allies, and technoblade joins the game.

the first streams that came from this honestly were very calm. legit the calm before the storm. tubbo was hanging out with niki, eret, and hbomb and eret reveals to tubbo that his first pufferfish that was stolen by fundy was actually in eret’s possession all along. eret gladly returns the beloved pufferfish to tubbo, and they rename it back to it’s original name “phukkit”.

then, everyone begins going in the server as each campaign stands on the podium waiting for the event to begin. wilbur, tommy, and tubbo first stray away from the group for a bit to watch l’manberg one last time. tubbo introduces to them his secret bunker in the lake for them to seek refuge just in case pog2020 loses. inside the bunker’s chests are some freshly brewed potions for wilbur and tommy to use in the future.

tubbo then brings tommy to the benches outside tommy’s little house and they play one more music disc together. here, tubbo gifts tommy the pufferfish he just gained earlier today, and tommy promised to treasure it dearly.

now, the event begins, and wilbur begins announcing the results. luckily, everyone is here this time. in last place is coconut2020. a funny thing about this is that fundy actually committed tax fraud and got around 100,000+ votes to be counted in the google form just from coding some bot to vote for them. in third place is schlatt, in second is quackity, and pog2020 wins the number one vote.

here’s where the plot twist happens: quackity and schlatt apparently agreed to combine their votes if pog2020 doesn’t win. therefore, quackity and schlatt got 47% of the votes as pog only got 46%, making schlatt and quackity the shared president of l’manberg. tommy protests to these decisions, but wilbur accepts it with ease, and the two merely step down the podium in shame as they watch schlatt take a speech.

schlatt went on full dictator mode-- the first decree he signed as president is to revoke wilbur and tommy’s presence in l’manberg, exiling them. tommy was confused at first before wilbur demanded him to run to the bunker. schlatt immediately conducts a search party for him, electing tubbo as his right hand man to personally hunt the two down. obviously, tubbo would do it hesitantly, and he doesn’t actually get to meet the two in the bunker at all.

a lot of the nation was quite torn from the election results. quackity and george seem to be supportive of schlatt, niki, tubbo, and eret seem to despise schlatt, and fundy and jack seem to just blindly support him as well despite being l’manbergians. punz, ponk, and hbomb were there as well, but it was quite difficult to know who they were siding with since they kinda just got pushed around by everyone at the end.

using invisibility potions, wilbur and tommy escape the bunker to go somewhere in the forest to find their new home. they find a nice hill to make a small house in, and they later name this new nation “pogtopia”. they run into some conflicts though as wilbur and tommy forget to bring an enderchest with them, and they need some of the materials in them now if they want to build up a defense.

and then, in the middle of nowhere, techno tweeted:

wilbur claims he doesn’t want to trust techno right away because he was american, but they do consider having him as an ally later on.

firstly, let’s get back to l’manberg. upon schlatt’s request, the walls of l’manberg are being torn down. i heard somewhere that this might’ve been done thanks to fundy’s suggestion, but i’m not sure. everyone complies, and wilbur and tommy visit l’manberg one last time before it gets taken apart. as they watch fundy and tubbo tear down the wall, wilbur sings the l’manbergs national anthem. (the wall also eventually gets expanded past l’manberg, but i’m not sure how far they’ve built it)

speaking of fundy, fundy’s kind of in a weird place right now. he seems to unhesitantly side with schlatt in this election, and allows his policies easily as if he didn’t care about anyone else in l’manberg. knowing this, wilbur actually disowns fundy. it wasn’t in front of him, but he does say that he is extremely hurt by him in front of techno and tommy.

before i talk about the rescue of techno, we gotta go back to quackity and schlatt for a bit. quackity actually caught tommy visiting his place to get an enderchest, but i believe he doesn’t tell schlatt about it. quackity is quite interesting because while he does believe in some of the policies schlatt believes in, he also believes that schlatt is taking this dictatorship too far. even he thought exiling tommy and wilbur was a big deal, and he aims to be the voice of reason to be able to change schlatt’s mind about his policies. moreover, he wants to discuss matters with tommy and wilbur as well to get on their side too, but wilbur doesn’t wanna talk to quackity because, fourth wall break, he believes they’re progressing far into the story too much if they do, and honestly, valid reason lmao.

do note that quackity is trying his best to tear down schlatt’s evil dictatorship. he’s secretly been advocating for niki and is helping her escape schlatt’s grasp when she needs it, and he eventually talked to schlatt near the end of the stream to be more mindful of quackity’s opinions because without him, schlatt wouldn’t have won. there’s some toxic relationship plot device being used here between schlatt and quackity, and i’m interested to see how this will all play out.

back to tommy and wilbur, they call techno and actually consider his help. tommy says he will run back to spawn and tell him when to join so that he can bring him to their secret base. eret tries to help them and supply them with goods, but tommy and wilbur refuses his help profusely. finally, when tommy reaches spawn, techno joins, and my god, all the three streams i watched just went “TECHNOBLADE????” all at once. 

on schlatt’s end, he claims that techno’s arrival was part of schlatt’s plan all this time. on the other hand, techno claims he’s only here for wilbur and tommy. i fully believe techno would be with wilbur and tommy, but of course, i can never be sure. just don’t discount the possibility of a traitor!techno happening sometime soon.

even if ponk tried to kill techno and tommy as they tried to escape, tommy was able to kill ponk before techno got hurt. they eventually arrived to pogtopia, and there, wilbur declares that he will be a different man from what they know of him pre-election. i’m thinking there’s going to be more violence surrounding the war, and also some strategic planning. they want to get tubbo as a secret agent for them to tear schlatt and quackity apart, eventually leading to the downfall of the dictatorship. niki might also be someone crucial here because she and wilbur have been exchanging messages secretly, so there’s going to be some niki action too.

then, schlatt makes another announcement. after the walls have been torn down, he declares l’manberg gets a new name-- manberg. niki protests, and wilbur and tommy and rightfully disgusted, but schlatt wasn’t going to do anything about it.

everyone in pogtopia, before they can stack up on some resources, have to go back to the dream smp because they comedically have to get a visa for one day for when ninja joins the minecraft server. they were greeted peacefully (and techno steals some potatoes!!!), and it was definitely fun to see so many people in the server all at once. evetually, schlatt does grant them the visa, and they leave. they talk to tubbo one last time, and tubbo warns them about techno being allegedly “paid” by schlatt to betray tommy and wilbur. tommy regards it for now, but after that, they leave to return to pogtopia.

in pogtopia, they begin mining for resources. in the ravine they found below their base, tommy found a strip mine that leads EXACTLY BACK to his bunker. this will be used for a secret passage for them just in case they discreetly want to return to the dream smp.

this is kinda where the main plot stuff ends for wilbur and tommy’s streams, but in eret’s stream, apparently he and bad found pogtopia. they find techno silently, gifting him with potatoes, and leaving promptly after.

on quackity’s end, he’s really trying to convince schlatt to become more open-minded about this entire presidency. there’s some real tension going on between these two, and it wouldn’t be a surprise if they break it off for quackity to join pogtopia. it really seems like they’re hinting it to become that way.

now, it seems like everything’s done, but nope. on eret’s stream, fundy single handedly burned down the l’manberg flag that niki built. FUNDY BETRAYAL AND ERET REDEMPTION ARC. niki is LIVID at fundy, but she wasn’t able to talk to him as he left the server immediately. we don’t know what fundy’s true intentions are, but it’s assumed that he’s siding with schlatt for now. eret at least tells niki they’ll try to rebuild it with concrete so it can’t be destroyed.

JUST AS ALL THIS SHIT CONCLUDES, SAPNAP JOINS. he only joins so he can catch up with everything he missed. eret and niki explain everything to him, and sapnap says he will have to talk to dream about this. he then leaves afterwards.

conclusion: BE HYPED. BE HYPED FOR PLOT. SHOW YOUR APPRECIATION TO THE ENTIRETY OF THE DREAM SMP FOR THIS AMAZING PLOT. DON’T SEND THEM HATE; MAKE CONTENT FOR IT INSTEAD. these people probably worked hard improv-ing/making plots for these, so show your love and appreciation for them!!!!!

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello mbti-notes, How do you do? Hope you're having a good time in your vacation!

I'm a 25F (unhealthy, level 1) INFJ, and my mother (late 40s) is ISFJ. I- have some issues myself and it's affecting my relationships. I currently stay away from socializing and bottling up my issues and problems. If it gets bad I cry alone in the bathroom dealing with mixed feelings of love and resentment.

I don't know how to start but I recently realized my mother has toxic traits and this causes some inner conflict. I understand she has went through a lot in life (so did my dad, still typing him)...but I want her to realize she too is flawed, not just us. There are various times she hurt me with words and during some of those incidents, we end up fighting and I say things in anger that hurt her. She believes she is never in the wrong and adapts the victim mentality. Whenever I try to reason with her, she doesn't admit her faults and immediately brings up things I did in the past. She actually repeats whatever we say in a taunting manner out of spite. As I write this, I am realizing this sounds ridiculous.

While growing up, she hated me being close to my dad and manipulated me using the victim mentality, so she succeeded in making me dislike my father in childhood. One time when we fought, I told her, "now I understand why dad doesn't bother to clear up things with you! You never listen and twist words!" She took this as betrayal and thinks I'm completely on dad's side, who hurt her. I did not dismiss her pain. I want her to understand all of us are messed up and we need to work on ourselves and fix things.

I fear that as she grows old, she'll grow more stubborn and become narcissistic. I fear that I would become like her in the future after getting married and act like her to my children and spouse in the future. My parents themselves are unhealthy due to having grown up in unhealthy and toxic environments themselves, and their parents were bounded by toxic traditions like patriarchal misogynistic practices. I am afraid of this cycle continuing, the cycle of unhealthy parents hurting their children and they grow up like that too. What should I do? How do I make my parents realize we all need help and need to improve ourselves?

I know first and foremost I should be improving myself, but I am also worried about them. I am not saying I am perfect, I also have some toxic traits but I watch myself when interacting with others. There are so many I's and reeks of narcissism, need to stop that. Also realized that I'm probably having a problem with my parent's toxic traits, maybe it's my high standards not letting me accept these flaws. They took great pains to raise me and my sibling, but it also hurts me to see them like this, I just want them to be happy and be in harmony. Apologies for this rambling, it's hard to put them in order since English is not my first language.

--------------------

The main problem is that neither you nor your mom is capable of healthy relationship boundaries. When two people don't set, respect, and enforce proper boundaries, they easily end up in a vicious cycle of conflict, even when they love each other. Why? In a close relationship, two people know exactly what buttons to push and how to bait each other into conflict. Why bait each other into conflict? When there is a serious underlying problem and/or traumatic wounding in the relationship that remains unresolved, the two parties will rehash the problem or replay the trauma over and over again, in an unconscious attempt to achieve resolution or feel a sense of closure.

Unfortunately, resolution or closure rarely happens, because during the conflict, the pain is never truly heard or addressed. The cycle of conflict then gradually escalates, as both parties get more aggressive in wanting to be heard and validated. Each person uses the conflict to act out their unresolved ego dramas and traumas. You both claim to be victims and you use each other to reinforce the victim narrative. While it might be true that you are both victims in some form, it is unproductive to keep accusing each other of being the enemy or victimizer. Nobody will ever "win" this conflict because nobody is really listening to the pain that is being expressed. The blame game destroys the good will required to reach mutual understanding.

A repetitive cycle of conflict continues because BOTH parties are putting energy into it and perpetuating it. Oftentimes, one major contributing factor to the original problem/trauma was poor communication skills or hurtful communication habits. Until at least one of the two parties improves their ability to listen and communicate maturely, there is nothing to stop the cycle of conflict, short of severing the relationship for good.

Your mom has "toxic traits" that created a toxic environment for you growing up. You acknowledge that you have similarly toxic traits and want to address them. Good. You're an adult now. An important part of growing up is becoming independent and taking personal responsibility for the trajectory of your life. You make the decisions as an adult, so your problems are in your hands. Her problems are hers to handle. Your process of healing should not require anything from your mom or even blaming your mom.

The fact that you want her to admit fault, accompany you, or work on herself means that you are violating her boundary. You want her to change, when she isn't ready or doesn't want to. You use criticism to pressure her and that causes her pain. Her maltreatment of you during conflict is an expression of the pain that you're causing her. Similarly, the way that you mistreat her is the manifestation of the pain she has caused you in the past. The longer the pain remains unresolved, the more likely it is that the hurt turns into anger, then rage, then spite...

You don't like the ways in which she tries to manipulate you to be who/what she wants you to be. That's fair. But you're not fully recognizing that you're doing the same thing to her. You're essentially saying that you won't be able to grow up and move on with your life until she becomes the mom that you want her to be. In a way, you're holding the both of you hostage. It doesn't matter if you believe that you're being altruistic and it's "for her own good" - she believes exactly the same thing when she tries to change you. Trying to change her, against her will, amounts to an attack on her being. If you're not able to love someone as they are, you're in no position to help them. If you're not able to communicate with someone without causing hurt to yourself or them, you're in no position to help them. "Helping" is about supporting people in their efforts, not about constantly pressuring them to live up to your standards.

You are too emotionally entangled with her. You want her validation, her support, her empathy, her cooperation, her confession, her atonement, etc. It sounds like none of that is forthcoming, nor is it even necessary. As long as you can't face the reality of who your mom is and keep expecting her to be different, YOU are choosing to keep yourself tied to her and her toxic ways. Yes, everyone needs social support in life, but as an adult, you should no longer need a "mom".

To become independent, you need to draw your own personal boundary in life and work within it to heal your personality problems. When you become a capable boundary setter and carve out your own space in the world, you know to rest and recuperate within its bounds and you know to keep people out when they don't respect its bounds. If you need help or support with your healing, she is obviously not the right choice, is she? She is not capable of entering your boundary without the conflict arising again, is she? There's nothing wrong with needing help/support, but you are not going to find much success by seeking it from the least qualified of sources.

Children aren't born knowing how to conduct healthy and mature relationships, so they can't be expected to understand boundaries when no one taught them. However, as an adult, it is your responsibility to address that knowledge deficit, if you hope to break past patterns and have healthy relationships. Do you understand what a boundary is, how to set one, and how to enforce one? It's about respecting your own being, respecting the being of others, and learning how to mingle with people without allowing hurt or violation. I suggest that you work with a therapist who specializes in relationships and boundary setting. Judging by the nature of your disagreements with her, you need to work on your communication skills and conflict resolution skills too. See the related tags and book suggestions on the resources page.

[beevean]

SEGA and the eternal issue of the Sonic-Amy dynamic

[Translator’s note: here’s the original article written by @latin-dr-robotnik​, originally written on the 26th of August 2018]

While the Bowsette phenomenon shattered the internet into a thousand pieces, it seems like the Sonic fandom is splitting itself over a completely different matter: the eternal discussion over Sonic and Amy’s dynamic, and how much it can be considered official from SEGA’s perspective.

Note: this article ended up becoming the first part of a trilogy. Stay tuned for the next two parts!

The main culprit of this new chapter of the discourse is, believe it or not, the official SEGA Shop.

Emi Jones (I don’t need to introduce her, most people in the fandom know her) brought the attention on the description of one of the new clothing pieces that appeared in the shop for Amy’s 25th birthday, which essentially invited us to “celebrate 25 years of Sonic the Hedgehog’s girlfriend”. This short sentence generated a chain reaction in the fandom, both positive and negative, and it brought to the light once again the eternal question: is it really possible that they’re actually a couple? What is the official position of SEGA about this? There are good arguments for both sides.

Eggman: If you fight my robot, we’ll be disqualified and you’ll never win that couch for that whiny little girlfriend of yours.

Sonic: SHE’S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!

*wrong answer noise*

Sonic Boom – S1E41

First and foremost, who is Amy?

Note: the article is based on Cutegirlmayra’s research in different magazines, in the games’ canon, in the differences between Japan and the West, in the structure of the relationship, and in SEGA’s marketing.

Note 2: while there will be mentions of other medias such as comics and TV series, this article will explicitly focus on the dynamic between Sonic and Amy in their official Modern versions, that is, from the videogames.

Since her official conception in Sonic CD, Amy has simply been considered our blue hedgehog’s girlfriend without any issue, but Sonic Team looked for a way to make this common cliché a little different. So a “unique” dynamic was established between them: Amy is the one chasing Sonic, Sonic tries to avoid her explicit affection, but despite this they are destined together, both in the proper canon (according to Amy’s tarot cards the two are made for each other) and outside of it (SEGA’s directives). This means that their dynamic is written in an implicit manner, and it’s never clear if Sonic wants to flee to a different galaxy to get away from Amy or if he wants to stay with her forever. Officially, there have been signs both in favor and against it, and the rest is normally left to the interpretations of the fans. Nevertheless, SEGA of Japan and SEGA of America (with the complicity of Europe) have radically different ways of dealing with the Sonamy dynamic.

Sonamy in Japan

The relationship between Sonic and Amy, with its twists and turns, is deeply rooted into the Japanese culture of the ‘90s. According with the material found by Cutegirlmayra, Sonic and Amy are a couple in Japan, no doubt about it. This simple vision is due to how the Adventure era games were written: Sonic is much more gentle and subtle with Amy, to the point that there is a clear difference in tone in the Adventure 2 scene when Sonic, about to be sent off into space in a capsule, tells Amy to take care of herself. Japan didn’t have this vision of an openly hostile Sonic or of a totally-obsessed-to-the-point-of-violence Amy, in their culture and in the game scripts everything is much more serene and acceptable. At the same time, the situation is kept under control thanks to the mandates that SEGA strictly enforces over how to write the characters: for example, one of the most infamous ones is “Sonic can’t explicitly show affection to Amy Rose”. This kind of control allows SEGA of Japan to avoid problems like the ones in the West.

Then we have Sonic Channel, the official Japanese website for information and art, where once in a while events about Sonic and Amy take place, with fans sending their fanart of the official couple.

And finally, we can’t forget Sonic X, that, despite not being part of the official game canon, clearly shows the agenda of SEGA of Japan and Sonic Team for the two characters: dozens of scenes that imply something more, many songs about love/lovers and, well, everything about the famous Episode 52 ending.

Sonamy in the West.

In the West things became more complicated. On one hand, the West came to know Sally Acorn before Amy, and the way they presented the Sonic/Sally relationship was, without any doubt, much healthier in SatAM than, for example, Sonic/Amy in Adventure (note: I purposefully won’t mention Archie Sonic here). At the same time, the differences in translation of the original Japanese scripts, and the cultural differences between these two countries on opposite sides of the world, radically changed the personalities of both characters, giving us the infamous “hysterical fan” Amy in Adventure and Heroes, the one who chases Sonic to force him to marry her. The general public’s perception quickly opposed these attitudes, seeing that they could be potentially toxic and that they undermine the very nature of Sonic. Sonic X did little to help in the West due to the strong censorship process it received when translated from Japanese to English. By 2006 the damage was done, and subsequent attempts to modify Amy’s personality, so that she was not as effusive with Sonic, have been tried over the last decade to repair their dynamics, with a little help from Sonic Boom (where the dynamic is so well written that, in the penultimate episode of season 2, Sonic literally stops racing Tails and Knuckles at Amy’s request to go buy ingredients for the cake he was making - Modern Sonic wouldn’t do that in a thousand years) and from the direction Ian Flynn has been taking the comics he’s been involved in. SEGA’s mandates were applied in the West as well, but relatively late and as a consequence of some things that were slipping out of control, like Archie Sonic. Both Flynn and the writers of Sonic Boom had to find new ways to present the characters, adjusted to both Western cultural patterns and also to the mandates of a Japanese company. Anyway, thanks to the recent accomplishments, we can deduce that the rigid structure of the official mandates is going through some changes that could mean a new agenda from SEGA to represent the Sonamy dynamic.

All of this information leaves us with the last question, that brings us back to the topic of this article and concludes it:

Could Sonamy work today?

In the last 5 years we’ve seen a series of important transformations, both in the way Amy sees the world, her responsibilities and Sonic (ex: Sonic Lost World), and in the way Sonic himself treats Amy. Sonic Forces took some pages from Boom’s book when it came to their personalities, and it seems to be the beginning of a new era, made explicit by that description appeared in the SEGA Shop that sparked today’s discussion.

In 25 years, we’ve seen Amy chasing Sonic all over the world, living a life of adventures that contradicts her dreams of a stable life and a marriage, according to her declarations in games like Adventure. At the same time, Sonic never stopped seeking adventures all over the world, both alone and with his friends, of which he became the protector, including Amy. For the Sonamy dynamic to work today, I think the most obvious solution would be for the two of them to go on adventures together. How we see love has changed a lot in the span of 25 years, and Sonic and Amy would fit well the modern stereotype of those couples that travel all over the world to find adventures, and that we see in those posts labeled “Relationship goals”; at the end of the day, Sonic and Amy are this, stereotypes that follow a certain pattern. What’s more, such a relationship can still be kept subtle and true to official mandates if we add the rest of Team Sonic to the equation, which is basically what Sonic Boom did.

No need for kisses, no need for grandiose love declarations, weddings, or forming a family. All of this would even be extremely out of character for Sonic, and I’d hate for something like this to happen. Team Sonic is the only family he needs, and the Sonamy dynamic could benefit from the adventures, the anecdotes and the moments they spend together. A race at sunset, the view of a mountain, defeating a giant robot together… that’s how I would see a canonical relationship possible, and indeed I’m not the only one who sees it that way - remember IDW Sonic #2? [Translator’s note: the article is in Spanish and outdated]

And let’s not forget about this scene from IDW Sonic #2: Sonic tells Amy that she can come on an adventure with him, but Amy refuses Sonic’s offer because of her responsibilities. Small changes like these have the potential to be slowly integrated into the official canon, and we have already seen how in Forces Amy barely bothers Sonic with her feelings.

So, when the eternal question of whether or not Sonic and Amy would work as a couple comes up again, you can say, yes! Yes, it can work without Sonic having to sacrifice his freedom, or Amy her dreams! The current context is making way for this, and while I may not think this whole SEGA store thing was completely intentional to drive the fandom crazy, I do think it’s time to start accepting the validity and potential of the couple. At the end of the day, everyone will ship what they want anyway, and that’s perfect. It will sound cliché, but remember that phrase that always circulates on social networks: "There are best friends who look like a couple, and couples who look like best friends."

[neochatarra]

8 Untold Signs Of Narcissist People

Sometimes the signs of narcissism aren't so obvious and narcissists fly under our radar. Not every narcissist may be a puffed-up addict or a Mean Girl like Regina George. If they were, we could see the signs from a mile away and steer clear. No, many narcissists are sensitive, thoughtful, and generous – until the charade wears off, of course.

That's why it's so important to know the subtle signs of narcissism that you simply won't notice until it's too late and they've sucked you into their region.

What's the Difference Between an Overt and Covert Narcissist?

Many people tend to consider narcissists as having extroverted personalities. They're flamboyant and demand to be the middle of attention – how are you able to miss them?

The truth is, introverts also can be narcissists. These are those who fool us into their web of manipulation.

"They're not self-absorbed – they're just sensitive!"

"They're not a nasty friend – they're just misunderstood!"

After forming a relationship with a covert narcissist, you realize that this sensitivity and isolation were, in fact, signs of narcissism. Since the signs weren't so obvious, however, you completely misjudged things.

8 Signs of Narcissism You Can't-Miss

Since the covert narcissist is best at hiding their abusive behavior, it's important to know the subtle cues that give them away.

1. They'll Never Utter the Phrase "I Don't Know"

I once knew a narcissist who was so averse to the present phrase that he would rather give someone dangerously incorrect answers than admit to not knowing something. He was confident in his woefully wrong answers, too.

Why do this?

Answering an issue with "I don't know" deprives the narcissist of important attention. The person seeking a solution will simply advance to somebody else who might help them. That's an enormous ego hit.

That's why you'll often find narcissists rambling on about topics they need no business speaking on.

2. They Are A Nasty Friend

The narcissist is usually a nasty friend but you'll typically find them playing the victim. confirm to urge all sides of the story if you're unsure.

What are some red flag signs of narcissism that indicate the suspect may be a narcissist?

• They get irritated when their friends invite help or advice.

• They don't bother to call or text their friends on birthdays or holidays.

• They don't return borrowed items. (A sign of entitlement.)

• They owe their friends money. they'll downplay this as "not an enormous deal."

• They embarrass their friends ahead of others.

• They hunt down or entertain their friends' partners or love interests.

They also treat waitstaff or service workers poorly. This is a dead giveaway. run the hills. Anyone who disrespects waitstaff or service workers views people as "beneath" them. Soon, you'll be a part of the inferiors also.

3. They Need To Insert Themselves Into Every Story

A covert narcissist might not demand everyone's attention. They will, however, still find how to form everything about them. an outsized part of this strategy involves inserting themselves into every story.

Is a coworker talking about their experience with homelessness? The narcissist, too, features a story about being poor.

Is a lover talking about his amazing trip to Vietnam? The narcissist also had a friend who visited Vietnam. And guess what? She heard it wasn't so great.

No matter the subject, the narcissist features a remarkable skill for turning the eye their way – regardless of how innocuous it'd seem.

4. They're Sensitive

At first, you'll appreciate their ability to freely express emotions. this is often an excellent tactic narcissists use to lure empathetic people into their trap.

Maybe a fast-food worker got their order wrong and therefore the narcissist hasn't shut up about it all day. Maybe their boss asked them to prevent playing on their phone such a lot and now the narcissist is crying about it over dinner.

As time goes on, you'll realize that the narcissist isn't vulnerable and sensitive: their fragile ego can't handle honest mistakes and valid criticism. To the narcissist, these are personal attacks.

5. They Form Relationships Based On What Someone Can "Do for Them"

If you're at a celebration and therefore the suspected narcissist suggests you ask someone because they will help together with your career or financial situation, don't ignore it. They aren't trying to assist you: they're letting you in on their game.

Narcissists tend to make shallow friendships that supported what people can do for them. You'll often find narcissists make friends with horribly toxic people simply because these folks have money, own bars, or offers career opportunities.

6. Their Stories Don't Match Reality

Both the overt and covert narcissist has an inflated sense of self. The thing is, they believe their lies. As a result, you'll often find they recall stories much differently than the situations played out.

If you notice that the suspect constantly reframes stories to form themselves the hero or victim, retreat fast – this is often one among the various signs of narcissism. By changing the story to suit their narrative, the narcissist is gaslighting everyone else involved.

It's not cute or funny to constantly need to correct them. Sooner or later, they'll start gaslighting you, too.

7. They Observe and Judge

"There's no way she will be a narcissist. When we're out with friends, she barely says ten words!"

I hear it all the time. By sitting back and observing everyone, however, the covert narcissist is silently taking notes and judging. I'm sure you heard all about her observations on the car ride home.

The narcissist must feel superior to everyone around them. this is often easy to try to do once you don't open your mouth to interact in conversation and instead sit back to require notes about everyone's shortcomings.

8. They Only Hear Bits and Pieces of Your Stories

Does it desire the suspected narcissist just isn't. listening? They're probably not. And if they're, they don't care.

Maybe you spent ten minutes venting to your mother about how you didn't get that promotion at work because you showed up late one solitary time with a legitimate reason. How did she respond? "Well, maybe you'll remember to point out up on time from now on."

You can't be the victim. Only the narcissist is often the victim.

You see this ton with narcissist parents or partners who listen only enough to toss stuff back in your face later.

How to Turn the Tables on a Narcissist?

Perhaps you've gone on a couple of dates with someone or a replacement coworker joined your team. you think they'll be a narcissist but you aren't entirely sure.

After all, the covert narcissist is especially cunning at hiding the more obvious signs of narcissism. Here's the way to turn the tables on a narcissist and obtain them to show themselves.

• Play along. Don't give the suspected narcissist room to regulate their manipulation tactics – play stupid and pretend you completely believe them. Use this chance to document their behavior.

• Remain indifferent. If you want to continue handling an overt or covert narcissist for reasons out of your control, act indifferent to their behavior. The narcissist wants to use your emotions against you. If you don't give them anything to figure with, they'll seek their fix elsewhere.

• Find Support: this might only include one or two people you trust. open up to someone who will validate and believe you.

At the top of the day, the sole thanks to truly turn the tables on a narcissist are to chop them off completely. If that they had any real intentions of adjusting, they might have done so already.

The narcissist won't suddenly see things your way. If they ever do, it's – a) for a fleeting moment and b) to use against you later. Don't believe the conflicting information you would possibly see from other websites or therapists – the narcissist will never change.

With a mental disease, a chemical imbalance within the brain may cause different disturbances that manifest as depression, anxiety, and lots of others. Although complex, mental illnesses tend to reply well to medication because it targets the physical root of the problem: like a chemical imbalance. Though it's been determined that a lot of mental illnesses like depression and anxiety are frequently caused by unresolved emotional trauma, often dating as far back as childhood.

Personality disorders occur due to a repetitive stimuli-reward environment. At some point in their life, the narcissist realized they might elicit specific reactions and emotions from people – and it felt good and helped them achieve their self-fulfilling agendas.

Anything but cutting them out of your life will offer you a mental and emotional breakdown.

No Contact is that the Only Way to Packing Up A Narcissist

Many narcissists have always been this manner – whilst far back as their teenage or childhood years. If you're handling a narcissist, you can't and will not expect them to vary their behavior now or ever.

Treatment for personality disorders often involves things like cognitive behavioral therapy. In many cases, a narcissist can also suffer from other mental illnesses like depression or substance use disorder. (You've probably heard extensively about these problems, too, when the narcissist needs your sympathy or someone responsible .)

ىDespite this, there's little evidence to suggest therapy works for narcissists as personality disorders are notoriously difficult to treat. the primary step to getting assistance is to admit a drag exists – the narcissist will never believe they need or are a drag.

No Contact is that the only option.

Trust in yourself and your network. Because once you get to the opposite side and stick with No Contact, you'll be amazed by all the amazing belongings you can accomplish.

[dxxtruction]

Tyrell Wellick - Character profile - (sorta an unprofessional psych analysis) 

NOTE: I’m not an expert and this is also non-exhaustive of everything I could write about Tyrell. Can’t observe every little thing. This is also super unorganized below the cut I’m sorry. 

Words I’d describe Tyrell by: Ambitious, Boastful, Selfish, Controlling, Violent, Impulsive, Emotional, Loyal, Strategist, Enthusiastic, Extroverted, Adaptable, Vain, Desperate, Observant, Insightful, Driven, Fearful, Intelligent, Cunning, Technical, Prepared, Outwardly Friendly, Resourceful, Loathing, Self Loathing, Sometimes Cooperative, Caring, Vulnerable, Fearful, and Influenced.

Psyche: Erratic behavior, attaches own goals into a special person, delusions of grandeur, looks down on and has disregard for many others, has a certain lack of guilt or regard for breaking ethical or personal boundaries, adapts self in order to achieve goals, wearing masks over the more vulnerable and perceived weaker sides of himself, perhaps hiding various amounts of self loathing, maladaptive perfectionism, strong desire for control.

 I’ll avoid anything official and say he likely has some form of personality disorder and/or perhaps an attachment disorder.

Tyrell seems to be driven almost entirely by his own ambitions and goals for his life. Those goals change but he continues on doing anything possible to meet those ends. Believing he is destined to have them over others who seek similar ends. 

He care’s a lot about his appearance, both in how he looks and in how others perceive him suggesting a need to garner their respect and control perceptions. Perhaps fearing rejection and public humiliation. Feels it necessary to hide himself behind the best of outward appearances. Feeling equally deserving of respect and deeply afraid of losing it. The latter suggesting a point in time where he saw himself associated with certain perceived inferiorities (perhaps his family being poor, his accent, a lack of knowledge or skill, a lack of restraint), that still lingers in him even though he’s tried (relentlessly) to escape them.

Tyrell tries to maintain a look of control and professionalism, something he’s well developed in order to get to where he is. With control, having the upper hand, he believe’s he can not lose. He however cracks under the pressure of perhaps not having control by lashing out and acting on impulse, often violent impulse. Regaining a sense of power over the situation in destructive ways that run counter to what he’s trying to achieve. 

There’s hints at a fear of showing weakness and vulnerability suggesting perhaps toxic masculinity and could also be the same fears of rejection and public humiliation. The amount of effort he seems to put into this suggests he fears in some way that he could very well be exposed as a fraud. Tyrells mask is there for a reason and I think that reason is to avoid his fears, of which there are many.

He is aware of many of the masks he wears (but maybe not all of them), and seems to practice and perfect them. He’s a perfectionist: self defeating, even self harming, towards unrealistic goals and expectations of himself, causing undue stress. Tyrell has a hyper-fixation upon inadequacies he sees in both himself and others. This causes quite a lot of black and white, narrow ways of thinking.  

Tyrell can also crack and shed off his mask, showing his vulnerable side when alone or when he is feeling weak or defeated. He cries. I think he feels his emotions fairly intensely at all times. Which may contribute to why he tries so hard on maintaining a different sense of himself which is far more collected. Creating distance from how he feels things in order to see himself as more in control. And as always in order to meet his goals. I get a sense of self hatred, a certain level of shame from Tyrell in the ways he seems to cover up who he is from the world. Perhaps from the amount of things he has bottled up. 

Despite feeling deserving of his goals, he knows you must work to get the things you want, and so he will resort to ANY means necessary. Boundaries mean nothing when it works towards his goals. Conventionality and reason can be sacrificed if needed. Breaking conventions seems (to me) a last resort measure as Tyrell is proven to be sufficient at getting to where he is through his social and technical skills along with keen professional insights and overall intelligence within his field. He is very eager even without the more harmful ways of getting what he wants. These are all factors which make him appear desirable for high ranking positions within his field, and probably prove to him a sense of higher worth and tangible achievement. 

I do want to point out that he is observant of things most people tend to not notice or have foresight on. This quick internal observations lead him towards quick assumptions, making for keen awareness of how others will act, yet he holds strong to the initial judgements he has of people. The skill of reading people seems fairly important if you are to strategize with or against them and Tyrell is always following some type of plan and agenda. While not always in complete control of how he may act or feel he can control and manipulate the direction of his life to the ends he needs. He needs have it planned out for him to feel secure. 

While at first glance Tyrell may seem like only self concerning. He seems to have a pattern of attaching his goals in with a loyalty/contract to a specific person who he does them for. This leans towards delusions of grandeur especially with Elliot. 

In these relationships there is perhaps also seeking consistent validation from them. Going out of his way to make sure they notice what he’s willing to do for them. Idolizing them and desiring these relationships to succeed in the ways he envisions them to. Likely has fears of his own inadequacy to succeed within the relationships goals, and fears that he could ruin the relationship by not succeeding. Leading to a suppressed but present low self esteem and easy influence over his actions.

He feels a strong need to provide for them, and they provide him with something as well or he wouldn’t show such loyalty. (Ie: Ability to seek the highest ideal of the American dream/Ability to rule the fate of the world). In other words they seem to offer a boosted ego or chance towards something he finds valuable to his personal ambitions. He cares about them but can’t ever shake what drives him.

In a world where he can get anything and impress anyone those who subvert that are incredibly intriguing to him, and it also must be incredibly painful when he starts to develop strong feelings of attachment and they reject him. These people (Joanna and Elliot) are withholding and inconsistent in showing Tyrell that validation he wants. Making him have to chase their approval and respect. Which keeps him interested in continuing to succeed for them, to show off and get their attention. (Ex: Joanna’s gifts, Tyrells insistence on appearing good for Elliot). Winning their approval becomes a part of his core driving ambitions to succeed. 

Joanna is the perfect partner to fuel his more worldly ambitions. He wants to provide for her everything and anything which proves they are both successful and victorious in their dreams in life. While Elliot seems more to fuel his delusions of grandeur - he can have ultimate control and power via Elliot’s perceived ultimate power and control. In both instances he wants to share in success, feels this sharing as very intertwined with his life and the direction it needs to go. This intertwining can lead him to accept certain approaches he shouldn’t, but again he’s easy to influence in this position. 

I feel Tyrell fears most of all not having control (like many in this show), when feeling this way he tends to act out in anger. Tyrell uses violence often as a means of control, an outlet for his own anger and rage when he senses a lacking of power in a situation. He is also impulsive when angered showing a instinctive pull towards violence when he feels this way. He lacks a certain control over these emotions, making him erratic. I sense Tyrell does a great deal of work to mask this side of himself from others, at the very least to keep up appearances. (keep in mind I never said he ever did handle himself well.) 

The root causes of all of this is likely some combination of genetics, upbringing, and stress from the crushing weight of his goals. He has pointed out a strong desire to be unlike his father, who he sees as weak and pathetic for not trying hard at anything in his life. This seems to be near the root of his pathos as Tyrell shows he must be strong and in control while always doing anything to succeed. He isn’t afraid of the taboo either and almost seems to seek out what is most ambitious, risky, and rebellious in order to prove himself. Especially when it achieves some greater end. 

Tyrell has two side really, the conquerer and the meek. He is selfishly driven, but easily influenced. Prone to violent behavior, but passionately submissive to those he loves. Willing to do anything to get what he wants, but can be equally vulnerable and saddened by loss and failure. He suppresses himself but is easily emotional and erratic. Driven by success but also ruled by fear. Insightful but also delusional and narrow minded. 

Tyrell may have precarious ways of dealing with situations and getting at his ambitions but ultimately his concerns are always fairly human and usually seem reasonably achievable for him at face value. He wants to provide for his family, make sure they’re safe, he wants to get the position he’s worked hard for (things get ... confused when it comes to Elliot but I think it starts with noticing how Elliot could be a good potential hire to boost his reputation then things just continue to escalate as they seem to toy with one another to his mind). He reacts perhaps with probably just too much passion, and I don’t think he can help it. What I’m getting at it is Tyrell has a very human side to him that’s fairly normal and awkward even, he’s kinda just a huge techie nerd and loves that he is, we see a lot of the normality of Tyrell in 404. 

[fairycosmos]

what’s ur opinion on healthily navigating a romantic relationship while also maintaining independence? I am struggling with this issue a lot as I grew up in a toxic household and want a romantic relationship but cannot be bothered to put up with a mans bullshit. I just can’t see how u can do one and the other simultaneously? ALSO the other (putting up with a mans bs) seems degrading... but I would like to be loved... please help

i also struggle w this a lot and i’m not sure i have an all encompassing answer….the only two things that initially come to mind are setting your boundaries and sticking to them, along with knowing your worth and what you deserve. it’s true that men have been raised in a sexist society and they’ve internalized degrading ideas about women as part of their core belief system (whether they realize it or not) but that doesn’t mean you won’t meet someone on an individual basis who will care for and respect you. they’re not easy to come by and it’s certainly not something you can rush, but it’s not impossible. especially if you actively seek healthy relationships rather than turning to men for validation or for convenience. to expand on the whole boundaries thing, i think it’s extremely important to know your own limits and what you’re comfortable with, and to not  overlook this for anyone. i’m not talking about the small inconsistencies that we sometimes have to compromise on with our partners, but the big things - what you want from the future, if you’re okay with the pace of the relationship, how you communicate. to keep your own well being in mind and to set that intention across from the beginning seems like a good course of action to me. another prominent point is being in a healthy enough mind frame to not let the relationship dictate your self worth, so the man doesn’t have that to hold over you. while it’s difficult, it’s important to be able to keep an objective perspective on what ‘crosses the line.’ you have to be ready to leave if they take you for granted, you know? always fight your own corner and understand when enough is enough, because nobody else can do it for you. the amount of couples i’ve seen just stuck in this tireless cycle where neither one of them is actually happy - it’s sad. so yeah, keep your standards up and don’t drop them just because you’re lonely. it’s easier to be alone than it is to feel alone in a messy ass relationship. oh and another thing, never rely on him for money. never let him have that power, always make your own bank when possible and have your own account. if you deliberately make the effort to keep autonomy over your own life, to say ‘this is what i want and this is what i need’, then he’s not going to be able to control you that much. and he shouldn’t want to, either. if he does, that’s a red flag. learning to spot those could be pretty useful, too. cause then you know when you’re wasting your energy on someone vs when you’re not. also, as a side note, timing itself is pretty important too. even if you want to be loved, that doesn’t mean you’re emotionally ready for the commitment of sharing your life with somebody else and them having a say in what you do. which is perfectly normal, and there’s genuinely no hurry. it’s a big deal. i know everyone seems like they’re just falling in love left right and center, but trust me when i say you’re only seeing the surface of their imperfect inner worlds. to me, it seems like the best people take a lot of time to find. and you have to grow on your own before than, in order to be the person you have to be to ‘click’ with them when you eventually meet. it’s all in good time, bro. i know it’s hard to be single and to feel like it’s never going to change, but i promise you’re not supposed to be anybody other than who you are in this moment :) you’re a whole person living a full life by yourself, as many of us are. if someone someday comes along and respects than enough to live along side you, to grow with you, then so be it. but you’ll survive even if it doesn’t happen like that. you’ll find love in so many forms, over and over. anyway i feel like this wasn’t helpful, it’s kind of an intricate topic and i have a lot to Say but this is getting too long. i hope you’re ok n that you don’t worry too much about it. if you ever need someone to talk to, just let me know luv :)

[anodyne-sunflower]

I hate that I want to vent to you because of your last post. So pls forgive me if I’m contributing to your stress and if so, ignore this. By all means, Sin ignore it! But if you’re okay to listen then I just want help or advice. Okay, I know this is like a broken record. But the kpop (particularly bts) fandom cause me stress. I love them. I do. I love my groups, but I feel so intensely dependent on them to make me feel good and that scares me. I’ve somewhat stopped, but I still get nervous. 1/2

And I feel like I’m not a good fan if I don’t keep up, or I don’t buy this or that. I feel like not streaming makes me shitty or ugh. I’m lost. I hate how angry certain comments make me, how toxic fans are in all groups. I just feel like I need to find they balance. :( Uoure an older fan, and I just wanted some advice because you seem to be better at navigating this lol (2/2)

Please don’t ever apologize to me for needing to vent or seek advice. I swear to you, this isn’t the part of my life that causes me any pain. I’m glad to be of any help I can be to any of you. So don’t worry for me. I promise you I’m alright with this. That being said, prepare for a mildly long answer, because I have many feelings on this. AND this goes for all fandoms, not just Kpop in general, but since this is the fandom you speak of I’ll mostly be mentioning it.

First, you are not a shitty fan for not streaming or buying any content or even keeping up 100% with a group. We all have lives outside the internet and unless you’re a young fan with literally no job, and all the money at your fingertips, this is downright impossible to perfect. For example, I have a full time job, a husband and pets. My life includes them and they always come first, and I’m not going to use my free time when my husband is off work to be streaming a video or buying content. That’s rude to him, and a waste of time. I assure you, you can watch a groups video once or twice and it still counts for something and can definitely be appreciated—if not more so than the fans who let it run over and over just for hits. That’s not enjoying anything but contributing to obsessive competition with Kpop and I find that very hurtful to ones mentality overall. Also, this works for all fandoms but I’ll use BTS as an example. Not sitting there all night and streaming isn’t going to harm them. I promise you it won’t. BTS will be just fine and not crumble over night if you choose sleep and health over their new music or video. It does not make you a terrible fan, it makes you (excuse my language) fucking human. You don’t owe them anything, and I know some fans will disagree with me but it’s true. You being a fan is enough. You listening to their songs or watching an MV once or twice or just here and there is enough. You do not owe anyone or any group your entire life or day. The same can be said for the idols. Aside from being thankful for people liking their content and helping them succeed in a way, they don’t owe us shit. Honestly, I wish they’d realize it’s their hard work that started their career. Fans came after. That’s the truth. But that’s an entirely different point...

As for buying their content, don’t if you don’t want to. I like a few groups, and other artists. I haven’t bought a cd since 2009 and I never will again. Because I prefer digital and I already pay Apple Music. Also, I don’t want a physical copy just to have a physical copy. It’s useless and will just sit there and collect dust. I’m not wasting my money on that, and if you’re the same then that’s okay. Don’t feel guilty. It’s your money. If you don’t want to buy something, don’t. If any fan out there tells you you’re not a good fan because of it—fuck them. You don’t need to buy every single piece of fandom collectibles or whatever to prove anything. I’m a collector of many things but I only buy what I really want and being an international fan makes this a bit trickier, too. I saw a Mamamoo keychain I really loved. ($7) and shipping was $32....yeah lol No. ✋🏻 So trust me, you aren’t terrible for not spending money on the whim of needing to be a fan. I swear your groups will not fall into destitution because of it. They’ll survive and the fandom won’t dissolve. Not to mention there are fans who just don’t have the money or whose parents don’t have the money. If any fan ever shames them for this, then they need a lesson in humility because screw that mentality. Also, side note—kids who don’t make their own money and rely on their parents, never be angry with them if they refuse to buy you something from your fandom. Again, that’s an entirely different topic but I want to throw that out there. Point is, hun, you are no less a fan than the one out there with every inch of their wall covered and shelves filled. You are a fan if you believe you’re a fan and that’s all that is required.

Onto the dependency. This is a little heavier a topic, if you feel it’s something very serious please refer to a professional for mental health. I am not one, but I can only offer advice from my own experiences or feelings on the matter. So, as for this, it’s okay to find happiness in things or fandoms, but for it to be the only source is not healthy. I would say take a small break if it feels overwhelming for you. You come first, always. These idols do care about their fans, but they don’t CARE about the fans. What I mean is...there’s that normal and basic form of human empathy most of us have. We obviously don’t want others to hurt, but if we don’t know them personally it’s a little less significant. I say this because I think the idol and fan relationship (especially for Kpop) becomes very distorted. Fans feel they have to be loyal and will argue if they think they need to defend their group or idol. You don’t have to. Chances are an idol didn’t see that one comment made by a teenager on Instagram under a random fan page. I’m not saying we let them be bullied or ridiculed, but I’m saying if those comments cause such an emotional intensity in you, then bypass those comments and block the one who made it or avoid the comment section altogether. You not defending the artist won’t make them hate you, won’t make them think you’re less their fan. I would actually argue idols or groups would wish you to take care of yourself first. Think of it this way, like I mentioned, the group/idol would not wish you harm but they also don’t know you. If someone hurt you, they wouldn’t hear about it and therefore wouldn’t comment on it. Does that make them less human, does it make them terrible for not defending you? No. It means they have their life and you have yours and people who actually know you that have a better chance at helping. You are no more responsible for them as they are you, hun. I say all this because I want you to understand this dependency you feel/obligation to always be in the know. It’s okay if you’re not. There is more to life than BTS or Kpop and that’s okay. You’re allowed to enjoy other things. You’re allowed to find comfort elsewhere. This doesn’t make you bad, again—makes you human.

Hell, you don’t have to even like everything your group does. Sometimes a song isn’t that great. Sometimes a video isn’t that deep. That’s just personal taste and it doesn’t make you less than other fans. In fact, I guarantee you some fans even lie and say they love every single song poured out. They just feel obligated to say so. For as many BTS songs I love, there’s a handful I find dull. So please don’t let anyone make you feel less than. It’s all valid what you feel. ❤️

[babyybitchhh]

Shikamaru or Senku?

Damn, anon. You really just came for my throat like that. I don’t know what I’ve done to hurt you but, from the bottom of my heart, I apologize. I swear it won’t happen again. 🤧

Okay, okay. All jokes aside. This is a real toughie and I’m gonna have to reveal just how much of a dumb bitch I really am to explain my answer. Yes, I fall back on the zodiac to fill in any gaps in characterization and determine just how compatible I actually am with fictional men. Sue me. As per usual, this post got a bit away from me so if you want to skip down to the TL;DR for my final answer, please do. I encourage it, actually. lol 

Ishigami Senkuu

January 4th - Capricorn

Strengths: leadership, responsible, disciplined, self-control, good managers

Weaknesses: lack of compassion, know-it-all, unforgiving, condescending, expecting the worst

“Capricorn is a sign that represents time and responsibility, and its representatives are traditional and often very serious by nature. These individuals possess an inner state of independence that enables significant progress both in their personal and professional lives. They are masters of self control and have the ability to lead the way, make solid and realistic plans, and manage many people who work for them at any time. They will learn from their mistakes and get to the top based solely on their experience or expertise.”

“Known for their rational approach to life and their emotions are often well hidden from plain view. Not only is it imperative for them to stick to the realm of absolute intimacy to open their heart for someone but they are often not fully aware of their feelings before hardships occur. This will put pressure on their love life as they have to make a strict and specific equation out of everything, distancing them from carefree and smiling partners who wish to have fun in a relationship.”

“There is nothing easy in the love life of these individuals but they will not see this as the end of the world. They have enough passion and warmth carried within and if mutual respect is found and strong boundaries respected both ways, they will be prepared to let someone into their world and protect them with their shield.”

“As an earth sign, Capricorn has a powerful and instinctive sensuality which expresses itself in a straightforward and natural way without the need for props, frills or adornment. Is it somewhat bereft of romance? Well maybe, but what Capricorn lacks in the way of sentimentality, it more than makes up for in terms of responsibility and discretion ... once it overcomes its initial reserve and caution, it can usually be relied upon to give full satisfaction, no matter how long it takes. As with most other things in its life, Capricorn prefers to take its time over its lovemaking, and its highly developed self-control gives it the stamina to stay the course.”

Nara Shikamaru

September 22 - Virgo

Strengths: pure emotion, loyal, analytical, kind, hardworking, practical

Weaknesses: sensitive to toxic environments, shyness, worry, overly critical of self and others, all work and no play

“Virgo’s are always paying attention to the smallest details and their deep sense of humanity makes them one of the most careful of the zodiac. Their methodical approach to life ensures that nothing is left to chance and although they are often tender, their heart might be closed for the outer world. This is a sign often misunderstood, not because they lack the ability to express but because they won’t accept their feelings as valid, true or even relevant when opposed to reason.”

“Feelings of love and life may be a bit like ocean waves that move with the current. With so much water flowing through their primal nature, their rational mind will easily fade around those that touch their heart. This makes them vulnerable to all sorts of betrayals and wrong compromises along the way. They need to be stable and firm in understanding and deciphering their own feelings before anyone else’s or they might lower their guard too far down.”

“They need a partner who is as fragile as they are but also someone who is aware of the strength of their emotional world.”

“ Many Virgos aren’t particularly comfortable with demonstrative displays of emotion or dramatic, over-the-top outbursts. Normally quite shy by nature, they prefer to express their affection in tangible, down-to-earth ways: love for them is about actions, not just empty words. Big worriers who don’t find it easy to show their feelings, Virgos are prone to internalizing their anxieties about their physical desirability – frequently making themselves ill in the process – and can often be a bit uptight around sex. To balance this, they need lots of reassurance that they’re actually perfectly okay!”

Now ... y’all can correct me if I’m wrong, but that all sounds pretty spot on to me. Like, it’s accurate. I’ve mentioned this a few times when replying to comments on my Dr Stone fics, but I really enjoy how nuanced Senkuu is because there’s a lot going on under the surface of his cool facade. He’s very task-oriented and objective about what needs to be done, but he’s also extremely sympathetic towards others even if he tries to play it off. It seems hard for him to be honest about his feelings because, frankly, they’re not rational enough for his liking, so he tries to find ways to justify them. On the flip side, Shikamaru is a little similar with his cool, objective-oriented outer shell but he’s conversely quite sensitive. Like, hella sensitive. That boy is not anywhere near as tough or impenetrable as he acts and I do think at least part of that is a defense mechanism of some sort to shield his heart, even before Asuma died but especially afterward. They’re both tough to penetrate emotionally and they guard their true feelings so well that it actually does manage to fool people. I mean both the characters around them and also the fans watching at home. So at this point, there doesn’t seem to be a conclusive winner and it should come down to a simple matter of preference, right?

Well, let’s see what the stars have to say about throwing a Leo into the mix.

Capricorn + Leo

“... have one thing in common and it’s their awareness of self. It will be a rare occasion when Leo is attracted to Capricorn but the other way around seems more probable.”

“Both are extremely devoted, especially to each other. Although they may seem to be an unlikely couple on the surface, their love will grow as they discover similarities.”

“Like Barbie and Ken, you’re a good looking pair ... your shared love of achievement and impressive ambition sends power couple fantasies running through your heads. If you’re out to conquer the same goal, your combined skills make you quite an awesome force to behold.”

“The physical intimacy between a Leo and a Capricorn is where this mismatched couple can come together. Leo is hot, physical, feminine, [and] enjoys giving pleasure. In a day to day life, Capricorn is reserved and proper but when it comes to sex, he wants it wild, woolly, rough and tumble. Lucky for him, Leo has a similar sexual appetite. It’s in bed where Leo has the power to make customarily reserved Capricorn throw caution to the wind and become a bit crazy in love.”

“What you’ve got here is one sign with a forensic eye for detail and another who paints with an incredibly broad brushstroke. The possibility of driving each other crazy is real.”

“Capricorn is more likely to be attracted to Leo than the other way around - they’ll watch the lion prance, preform and captivate with their personality and either instantly dislike or feel uncomfortably drawn to them.”

The good: both seek success, Capricorn teaches Leo patience, Leo teaches Capricorn passion

The bad: Leo thinks Capricorn is a cold fish, Capricorn thinks Leo is a show off, it all gets too hard to compromise

Virgo + Leo

“Their rationality might turn into an intellectual battle for sexual dominance, that is, if they ever reach the point in which they both want to have sex with each other.”

“Leo shows Virgo good times and fun, and introduces the spontaneity that is often missing from Virgo’s life. Virgo teaches Leo patience and focuses their intellectual energy.”

“Leo plays cheerleader to pessimistic Virgo while levelheaded Virgo steps into the therapists role, mirroring Leo’s angst until a breakthrough is reached. This is a safe emotional harbor for both of you.”

“Virgo and Leo see their time together in bed as a celebration of their love and commitment. Both are hopeless romantics so there will be plenty of physical foreplay, including morning kisses, long evening embraces, candles, flowers, and massages. A creative and open minded Leo is always willing to try something new and Virgo, who is no prude either, will be a willing follower. Together these two can reach sexual heights they’ve never experienced before.”

“A comedy of errors ...Leo and Virgo are forever working through misunderstandings and mending communication fences. Often it’s as if they speak different languages.”

“Leo pounces and Virgo, invariably, plays hard to get, rebuffing the lion and appearing completely underwhelmed by their charms. This of course drives Leo into a frenzy of heightened passion - they pull out their A game and deliver super hot maneuvers. The funny thing is that such scenarios are usually Virgo devised and orchestrated. They’ve probably observed the flamboyant lion in action - noted that everyone submits to their charisma and decided to go in the opposite direction. If played correctly Leo becomes a lovesick pussy cat ...”

“Virgo is a bit of a tease - for much of the “falling in Love” phase they love-starve Leo who shamelessly begs for morsels of affection. It actually makes the attraction between them electric.”

The good: Virgo teaches Leo patience, Leo teaches Virgo to have fun, they are fascinated by each other

The bad: messy Leo drives neat freak Virgo crazy, negative Virgo brings Leo down, poor communication abounds

So ... what did we take from all that? Well, first of all, both of them are apparently going to teach me patience which I admit I sorely need. Conversely, I’d bring passion, fun and spontaneity to their lives. On one hand, Senkuu seems like he’d be much more drawn to me than Shikamaru because even though I do stay drinking my dumb bitch juice, we have similar driving forces in our lives and I’m not a complete idiot. I love science, especially when it comes to learning about space and how the world works, just not the mathematical portion. That part can eat my ass tbh. On the other hand though, if Shikamaru and I could sort of find a common ground to stand on it sounds like it would be a very healthy relationship for the both of us which I need so badly it’s kind of not funny. Like, I’m self-aware enough to realize what I need out of a hypothetical relationship and it (unfortunately) is the kind of emotional connection that facilitates healing and growth rather than stagnation. I don’t think either of them would just sit there and watch me flounder in my angst, as one of those quotes put it, but everything is pointing at Shikamaru being much more well equipped to tackle the problem while simultaneously needing the same in return, which I would be more than happy to give him.

TL;DR: I actually cannot pick between them. I just can’t do it. I love them both for strangely similar but also drastically different reasons and, objectively, I can’t say I like one more than the other. Both give me soft, doki doki feelings that I don’t know what to do with and even after thinking on it for about two hours, I’m incapable of saying with definitive certainty that I like one more. So all I can go off of is what the zodiac has to say about our compatibility which is pointing at both potential relationships being rocky with their ups and downs, but Shikamaru being the more sensitive of the two comes out the winner in the end. That’s not to say I wouldn’t work with Senkuu to truly become the power couple we both secretly crave, but I know my emotions can get away from me at times and it seems to me that Shikamaru would be a smidge more understanding in that department. 

I realize this definitely isn’t the answer you were expecting, anon, and I absolutely considered scrapping this whole post more than once. lol But I didn’t want to shrug off the question just because I couldn’t decide which of them I liked more. Anyway, for the sake of posterity, here’s what the zodiac has to say about me for comparison. 

August 7th - Leo

Strengths: Energetic, creative, passionate, generous, warm-hearted, cheerful, humorous

Weaknesses: Hasty, arrogant, stubborn, self-centered, lazy, inflexible

“Love is the focus point of these individuals, and while their intellectual and instinctive sides are the first ones to show, we will see that they seek someone equal, to share their inner states with. They need a lot of support and a calm partner that soothes their Soul, someone quiet enough and intimate enough to feel safe with. Easy to detach from reality and our planet Earth, their relationships either speak of the unseen and the impossible or present a safe haven where their bodies can rest, and their routine can be brought to balance.”

“Open for new things and often ready to openly show their sexuality, they need a fine touch of love they are worthy of in this lifetime. Romance can be obstructed by their need to prove a point or become the image of something they admire, but as they get closer to their inner truth and become aware of their talents and potentials, they invite the right partner to be within a strangely peaceful union. Although they sometimes stand opposed to marriage and structures and forms that put any relationship in a drawer, they will gladly commit to the right person by their side, in all those surprising and unusual ways.”

“This Fire sign is passionate and sincere and its representatives show their feelings with ease and clarity. When in love, they are fun, loyal, respectful and very generous towards their loved one. They will take the role of a leader in any relationship, and strongly rely on their need for independence and initiative. This can be tiring for their partner at times, especially if they start imposing their will and organizing things that aren't theirs to organize in the first place. Each Leo needs a partner who is self-aware, reasonable and on the same intellectual level as them. Their partner also has to feel free to express and fight for themselves, or too much light from their Leo's Sun might burn their own personality down.”

“Sex life of each Leo is an adventure, fun and very energetic. This is someone who has a clear understanding of boundaries between sex and love, but might fail to see how important intimacy and emotional connection is to the quality of their sex life. Every Leo needs a partner to fight through their awareness and reach their sensitive, subconscious core, in order to find true satisfaction in a meaningful relationship.”

(Spoiler alert: this is all true, except the part about taking on the role of leader in relationships. I genuinely love being dominated in bed, but only if I deem my partner worthy or adequate enough to get the job done. Other than that though, I can’t say any part of this is horribly incorrect. Oops. : / )

[chelsanitys]

another tessa/ryan take! OKAY FIRST MAJOR FLAG her capricorn uranus is in opposition to his libra mercury any attempt to make the relationship go beyond image/sexuality would lead to immediate conflicts bc of their completely different ideological beliefs to make this relationship work they would either have to accept the others differences unlikely for a capricorn or just never acknowledge them so she may be dating a Trump Supporter tm but her ideologies are completely different from him (1/?)

she would have to completely ignore these differences / tension n be 100% committed to making a connection or it will never work) tessa’s capricorn uranus makes her ambitious and enterprising n she would never be happy to settle for anything (be that 2nd place at sochi or a relationship ) ryan’s libra mercury makes him a great person to have at parties because they can be quite outgoing charming n flirty however they also tend to just be people pleasers. (2/?)

he can carry a conversation without having to give an opinion on the topic (this fits with ur theory that she keeps him around n brings him to her high society type dinners/parties etc) their sun square mercury lends itself to passion so as long as the two never have to confront any deeper feelings/discuss anything ever. a relationship can be sustained but is incredibly toxic in the long term and makes any possible connection between the two v v fragile. (3/?)also !! taurus suns like tessa r dependable n creatures of habit who look for comfort in the things that they know. they’ll go back to a past relationship bc it’s easier and they know what they’re getting into which explains the on/off thing. they have (side note: taurus suns r v possessive NOT jealous so she looks at scoot n jackie n doesn’t think “i hate that she has him bc i want him” but “i hate that she has him bc he’s MINE” (4/?)

like a kid in nursery who puts down a toy n then gets mad when another kid starts playing with it bc it was HER toy she wasn’t finished with it yet. bc of this their actions shouldn’t be interpreted at pettiness- but as a claim over what they believe is rightfully theirs) the two can coexist, perhaps even in the long term if they can ignore how incompatible they are at a deep level but neither will find this relationship fulfilling n one or both will inevitably look outside (5/?)

of the relationship for emotional understanding from an outside party (not necessarily another person but we all looking at u scoot). a libra moon like tessa will actively seek a strong partnership and deep connection as she can’t live w/out them. it can make them feel safe n secure espc as her venus in conjunction with jupiter suggests that she Needs that comfort in her life. (6/7)SO tessa n ryan on the surface can work (their sun signs of taurus n libra both being ruled by venus the planet of harmony- sun signs do show ur outward personality) especially if they both like the image that they r presenting but below they r a ticking time bomb n their focus on the superficial is not enough to fulfil or enrich either of their lives (7/7)

i rly rly rly love all u astrology fuckers

LOVE HAVIN ALL MY BASELESS HOT TAKES VALIDATED

[caterinafirstofhername]

I don’t think heteronormativity is the right word because that just has to do with a learned social bias that straight it normal & what you’re talking about is gender, rather than orientation. Reiner is definitely a little fixated on traditional gender roles.

It’s actually heteronormative on the part of the audience to assume that being gay is taboo or frowned upon in-universe as it is in our world because we’ve never been given any piece of evidence that’s the case. Prejudice against queer people came out of religion & religion came out of collectivist morals based on what was useful for the societies from which they originated. In the canon of SnK history has shaped the cultural norm of racial division. On one side are the people of all heritages except Eldian who hate the latter & want to see them go away. On the other side are Elians themselves who are likewise split into two factions-self-hating Eldians outside of Paradis & Eldians from Paradis who lost all of their collective history save for 100 years confined to one part of an island with very limited resources. IRL, in the past being straight was considered preferable because it meant people could have babies who could work & take care of them when they got older & then religion took that & ran with it. In the SnK universe no matter the cultural perspective, whether the motivation is racism, self-loathing or wanting to avoid worsening overpopulation, Eldians reproducing is not considered beneficial to society. Therefore there’s no reason to stigmatize people whose orientation doesn’t result in them having kids, moralizing could even go in the opposite direction. It may also be worth noting that there are many questionably close friendships between same-sex individuals in the SnK canon & (as OP pointed out) nobody says a word or even makes jokes. I just don’t think it make sense to conclude homophobia is a thing in that universe.

All that said I don’t see Reiner’s orientation as gay or straight, his orientation is more like “pls validate me”.

When he has those big “marry me” reactions it’s because Historia as “Krista” has done something kind for him. I think it’s honestly because of his mom & the fact that when you have a toxic parent something called “parentifying” can happen where the kid ends up being responsible for the adult either practically or emotionally. What that does is results in a pattern of compulsive caretaking into adulthood & we can see that in all of his relationships irrespective of their nature.

I would also say because of his mom’s issues, growing up Reiner’s sense worth was definitely a meritocracy because another trait of toxic parents is this attitude of “not only are you obligated to do things for me but you’ve never done anything for me at all if you haven’t done anything for me lately”. So I think that his dynamic with Historia is wanting to be someone who “deserves” someone like who he perceives her “Krista” persona to be. That is, when she pays attention to him he feels like he’s that person. “Attaining” her would meet that childhood need of having these external things he can look at & feel good about himself. That’s super fucked up in that Krista/Historia isn’t a fucking object there to let other people know they did a good a job & Reiner needs to stop it but I also think it’s down at the Unconcious level, so Reiner himself doesn’t perceive it that way. Historia’s frantic people pleasing also matches the way Reiner was taught by his environment that people are supposed to be & so his Unconcious is seeking a way to feel valid & it wants to do it by creating this loop of reinforcing one another’s false selves with her.

That said I don’t see the attraction he feels in those moments as pure false self, they are inside Reiner’s head. He has no reason to fake a feeling he doesn’t actually have within the confines of his own mind. I could see if he were trying to convince himself in order to project but those scenes show us that outwardly he’s pretending to be totally stoic. It’s not like he knows there’s an audience, despite a few similarities he’s not Deadpool.

I would have been more willing to label the attraction he feels for Historia/Krista as just being an anomaly opposite his usual sexual preference (it happens sometimes) if he hadn’t also had a reaction to Annie’s figure. In that case she really doesn’t like him & so there is no friendship or emotional attraction or even positive reinforcement for him to confuse with physical attraction.

It’s suggested he has emotional intimacy with Bertoldt, another person who exhibits caring behavior toward Reiner but it’s not establish as sexual. I could see a slight case for romantic attraction on Reiner’s part only because of his level of preoccupation with Bertoldt’s romantic feelings for Annie. Reiner brings it up more than once so clearly it’s something he thinks about. It’s hard to tell if Reiner encouraging Bertoldt to pursue Annie is him masking the helplessness of romantic interest that isn’t returned by trying to control the situation or if he just wants to have the vicarious experience of finding love through a friend because he doesn’t believe it’s something he’ll experience for himself. It could even be both.

Reiner does really like people (his issues are really about not liking himself) & in fact if it weren’t for his issues with gender norms I’d label him as Pansexual very comfortably. However because his perceptions can lean heavily on stereotypes I have a hard time picking pan over bi, I’ve even considered he could be demi. It’s clearly all based on his parental relationships, people unconsciously seek out what’s familiar & Reiner is no exception. His fundamental assumption seems to be women need to be taken care of or they’ll be disappointed in him & he won’t matter to them. Likewise, men need to be impressed or they are going to end up disappointed in him & he won’t matter to them.

The only things I feel truly confident in saying is I don’t think he’s straight, I don’t think he’s gay & most importantly Reiner cannot differentiate between approval/validation & love.

Is there any proof Reiner is queer outside of that conversation he had with Ymir in Utgard Castle? It looked like that was said in jest, and he’s constantly been referenced to care for Historia and admiring Annie’s ass (as the female Titan). If it wasn’t for Ymir’s comment, I’d assume he’s definitely heterosexual.

His birthday’s on Yaoi Day.

You know, Reiner not being one of my faves, it isn’t something I consider often. After a while fandom’s unified conclusions start sounding like fact no matter where the ideas come from. Bringing him up just in case someone complained? No, I would never I am a blogger with integrity how dare.

That being said, in the entire series, I believe there are two distinct references to sexuality. The first is the conversation in Utgard. The second comes from the NPC molester during the coup.

For the sake of glossing over that one as quickly as possible, that commentary results from a situation already involving crossdressing. It’s not good commentary, but it has a direct cause that brings it up.

On the other hand, Ymir and Reiner are in their own bubble. The allusion to sexuality is actively opted into.

I’ll say flat out that I think Reiner falls short of my usual standards for considering a character canonically queer; I prefer more to it as a personal preference.

However, as you pointed out, if not for that one comment, Reiner radiates nothing but heterosexual frat bro as far as his sexuality. Making the fact that someone within the manga ever thought to comment that he seems gay an interesting statement about his character.

It’s arguably done because hey, it’s time for Ymir and Kristoria’s super gay gayining, but you don’t need to suggest that Ymir is gay for her and Historia to be blatantly gay for each other. Historia’s just as in love with her and there’s never been a whisper about her exact preferences. Gay jokes and discussions of sexuality really aren’t a thing in this manga.

So you have the Obviously Gay one calling the Obviously Straight one gay just so he can say she’s gay. When nothing about Reiner, from his limited scenes of crushing on Krista and talking about the Female Titan’s ass, suggests that he’s remotely gay. Calling him a pervert would feel like the more natural jab.

Planting the seed for wondering, because why bring it up?

And once you start wondering, you have Reiner crushing on a girl who isn’t even real. A girl who notices him so little that she reacts to him betraying everyone they know by asking for her girlfriend back. You have Reiner talking about the ass of a girl he knows would rather beat him up than tolerate his presence. You have Reiner constantly enforcing gender tropes when he does bring up romance; which he does more than any other character despite not having a romantic arc of his own.

You have someone whose mind has fractured from putting on a front of what he’s supposed to be, whose only healthy relationship with a female character is with his younger cousin, and who has a series of very fraught, intimate relationships with male characters.

Reiner’s sexuality being one more thing he’s overcompensating for works very well.

The conversation in Utgard could easily be a throwaway line, and I don’t particularly fault people who take it that way, but then you have the author doing a wink-wink-nudge with his official birth date, and how desperately Reiner is always trying to force himself to be what he thinks he should be instead of what he is–

It’s an interpretation, not quite hard canon fact, but it’s an interpretation that comes from a suggestion voiced within the canon. A suggestion that honestly seems to have no basis at first glance, doubly when Ymir’s whole shtick is twisting the knife on things that matter to people. Except the story decides to include it. The story chooses to plant that one little seed.

I’m not a Reiner expert by any means, but I think at the very least, canon suggests that Reiner has some seriously entrenched issues with heteronormativity. For the fans who do want to look deeper, that suggestion has some incredibly sturdy legs.

But I totally mostly included him because I do not like getting yelled at.

[caveartfair]

6 Keys to a Good Artist-Gallerist Relationship

Kat MacGarry and B. Wurtz. Image courtesy of B. Wurtz.

Jessica Silverman and Davina Semo. Image courtesy of Davina Semo.

There is no single archetype of the art dealer. Many gallerists are known for their selflessness and devotion to the creative process, but there are certainly bad apples, infamous for running glorified racketeering schemes. It can present a tricky dilemma for a young artist seeking representation—eager to take her career to the next stage, but wary of locking herself into a relationship that might not pay off. What are some of the factors that lead to lasting bonds between artists and their dealers? Artsy spoke with five artists, at various career stages, to glean some insights into this exciting but fraught process.

“Take it slow”

Remember, only fools rush in. If you’re thinking of building a long-term partnership with a gallerist, there’s no need to feel pressured into a contract. “The business aspect of working with galleries can feel a little shady, especially for those of us that, since childhood, knew it was a calling—not a decision,” said Jennie C. Jones, an artist who shows her work regularly, but didn’t formalize any gallery representation until she was 45. She now has found a supportive partner with Patron, in her home base of Chicago.

Many of the artists interviewed for this story stressed the importance of a trial run—a solo exhibition in advance of proper representation, to see how the arrangement works for everyone involved. “Take it slow,” counseled Davina Semo, a San Francisco–based artist represented by that city’s Jessica Silverman Gallery, as well as Marlborough Contemporary in New York and Ribordy Thetaz in Geneva. Semo added that representation is a two-way street: “I think gallerists should also be careful taking on an artist.” Like all relationships, it comes down to chemistry, shared values, and open dialogue about what both the artist and the dealer are looking for in a partnership.

“The basis for a strong dealer-artist relationship is trust and communication,” said Tessa Perutz, a New York–based painter who isn’t formally represented by a dealer, but has shown previously with galleries including Pablo’s Birthday in New York and Stems in Brussels. “There should be nurturing and sensitivity, with a strong backbone of respect,” she said.

Understand the nature of the relationship

The art world is a notoriously social environment, one that’s punctuated by parties, international travel, and plenty of booze. That means the lines between business and pleasure can often blur—or dissolve entirely. And while it’s nice to enjoy the company of your gallerist, should a young artist be looking for a friend, a business manager, or some elusive combination of both?

“It’s a balance,” offered Josh Reames, a painter currently represented by Andrew Rafacz Gallery in Chicago, Luis de Jesus Gallery in Los Angeles, and Brand New in Milan. “It’s ideal to have a friendship, but also keep it professional.” He acknowledged that this can be easier said than done, leading to “the awkwardness of a purely business relationship where you don’t connect at all, personally,” or “the flip side, where a gallerist is great personally, but toxic business-wise.” In other words: Your dealer might be a witty raconteur and an unbeatable drinking buddy, but that won’t help an artist pay the rent if she’s waiting 18 months to be paid for work that sold at NADA in Miami Beach.

Still, the nature of the art world means that the personal and the professional will mingle more so than in other industries—and that can be a great thing. Semo met Bob Linder—her partner, and the eventual father of her child—via a show she staged at his space, Capital Gallery. Meanwhile, her broader network of dealers has been a vital support after she gave birth.

“The night I was in labor with my son, Jessica Silverman offered me our first exhibition together,” Semo recalled. “When I returned home from the hospital, there were flowers from Max and Pascal at Marlborough, and messages from Stéphane [Ribordy]. I was never truly worried that people would think I was going to give up on my work and only want to be a mother, but there was still a bit of that fear—and these small gestures of support meant so much to me.”

Believe in the work, first and foremost

The art world can often seem like a cynical place, one in which dealers circulate like money-hungry sharks. (That reputation is only cemented by flat-footed satires like Velvet Buzzsaw that sketch a milieu in which the only thing worth talking about is how much the art is worth.) But a gallerist whose heart is in the right place will appreciate what an artwork conveys, before worrying about the price it might command.

“The nicest thing a gallerist has done for me is to truly be present with the work, to see and sit with it,” Jones said, “and not be overly concerned with logistics and planning when doing a studio visit…not to overstep by suggesting upscaling or pushing for more of whatever just sold, if the artist is exploring new directions. The most honest thing a gallerist has ever done for me was to be brought to tears by a piece upon leaving them in the space to consider things without my presence.”

“I was never a cash cow, so to speak,” said B. Wurtz, who is represented by Metro Pictures in New York, Kate MacGarry in London, and Office Baroque in Brussels, among other international galleries. “It was about liking the art. For me, that was a dream come true; for them, it was kind of flying in the face of good business practice. But that’s what is wonderful about most galleries: They aren’t normal businesses.”

Wurtz admitted that not all of his peers have enjoyed the same level of understanding with their dealers. “I know artists who have told me that their gallery is completely sales-oriented, to the point of not really even talking about the art,” he continued. “That’s not what I have or want. I want a personal relationship. It’s certainly more fun and makes life more interesting. The ideal is for everyone to do what they really want—and happen to make money.”

Be transparent (and don’t ghost your artists)

I’ve heard plenty of horror stories from bitter artists over the years. One now-defunct gallery—which was later sued by someone it represented—refused to even divulge the names of collectors to the artist whose work it had sold. Transparency is key, both as a good business practice and a sign of basic respect. “In what other business would your agent or representative not be completely transparent?” Reames asked. “For all the moving parts to run smoothly, there has to be an open line of communication. I’m currently on the roster of a gallery that hasn’t had an exhibition in a year now, but has also become completely opaque with communication. All of the other artists that I know who also work with the gallery are equally in the dark, and it’s maddening.”

But even in situations that are less dire, clear communication is key. Artists are stressed enough after wrestling with their creative demons in the studio; it’s the job of the gallerist to stay on top of the business side of things, keeping everyone else happily in the loop.

“There isn’t much to be gained from withholding information,” Perutz said. “It all comes back to a foundation based on trust—I’d go so far as to call it faith. It’s important to know where the works go and to keep an up-to-date database of such information. It’s helpful in the long term, and if you lend works to museums or institutions.”

Transparency should also should apply when potential discounts come into play. Jones, for instance, suggested that anything beyond a 10-percent discount should ideally be broached with the artist in advance. And while regular updates are generally beneficial, she noted that sometimes it’s better for dealers not to share every potential development or opportunity that comes down the pipeline.

“Galleries should keep some prospects to themselves, until they’re real,” she said. “Artists have grand imaginations. When a project or placement of a work is mentioned as a possibility, the imagination can run wild: a little validation, encouragement, funds that might help chip away at student loans, health insurance, or allow a leave from teaching. This is the only time a gallery should take pause—and wait until things are confirmed.”

Respect your artists—and pay them

This golden rule should be simple, but anecdotal evidence proves how much trouble certain dealers have holding up their end of the bargain: paying for artwork that has been sold. It helps to trust the whisper network here, whether online or among peers; if a certain gallerist seems eternally swarmed by rumors, you might want to avoid being the next artist to get burned. “I don’t think every single complaint should be a big red flag—artists can be unreasonable at times—but when there’s smoke, there’s usually fire,” Reames said. “There are a couple of times I should have listened more to my peers. I would have saved myself a lot of headaches.”

The accepted industry sales split is almost always 50/50, and in a healthy working relationship, the artist should not feel slighted by that profit sharing. “It’s important to point out that the galleries deserve every bit of that money, as they do an enormous amount of work,” Wurtz said. “I really don’t know how any artist would expect to have a career without a gallery. When one begins showing with a gallery, it soon becomes clear what all that work entails: rent, publicity, keeping records, storage, on and on.”

“I’m a sculptor, and so production costs can be significant in my practice; it’s important for me to split those costs with the gallery,” Semo said. “There is a lot of overhead in running a gallery, just as there is in keeping a studio practice. Some people think that galleries get too much in the 50/50 split, but when I consider all the work that my gallerists do for me, I’ve never felt that they were undeserving of that percentage.”

Everyone I spoke to had different ideas about what exactly to expect from a dealer: An Artforum ad? A flashy Lower East Side opening dinner for 40 close friends and industry insiders? “I think gallerists need to make it their mission to seed archives with work by women and artists of color, to fill in that narrative,” Jones said. “That means more in the long term than fancy dinners and cocktails with collectors.”

Being a supportive dealer often comes down to investing in an artist for the long term, making them feel valued on a personal level. Jones recalled a pivotal museum survey that, while it constituted a milestone in her own career, didn’t seem to be a top priority for her gallery. “Beyond one partner flying in for the opening night reception, I was solo, in the art trenches for a week prior,” she said. “Not having a cohort during the install, public programs, dinners, and walkthroughs was hard. During the run of the show, I felt there wasn’t a substantial attempt at creating excitement around the exhibition as a platform to introduce the work to new collectors or institutions.” It certainly doesn’t help to cut corners when an artist’s own self-worth hangs in the balance.

Look towards the future, not just the next five months

Being an artist can be intensely stressful; success (and sales) can be ephemeral, especially in a system that privileges novelty. “Fresh-out-of-grad-school artists can sell works at such high prices that it’s unsustainable,” Jones said. “I’ve pointed this out particularly to students of color entering the art world.…Longevity is important, and young artists of color will pop like popcorn at an art fair, and be gone by 40. Many galleries may not be mindful of pacing if someone is coming onto the scene hot: exploitation and evaporation.”

“In terms of service to my career, nothing beats feeling understood, and having the courage [that] artmaking takes be truly seen, understood, and hence supported,” she added. “That is a powerful connection and a solid place to begin.”

But if the very thought of committing to representation makes you nervous, it might be time to consider an open relationship. Plenty of galleries operate within a model that eschews formal representation in favor of individual projects and more flexible arrangements.

“It’s more and more common to show in multiple galleries and not be represented, and I think it’s super healthy, as well,” Perutz said. “If you can work with galleries in a respectful and mutually beneficial way that is not totally exclusive, then there is no harm done, and it can often help solidify and strengthen new relationships. It’s all about cultivating spheres of influence and invigorating existing relationships with new energy.”

from Artsy News

[pussymagicuniverse]

Demystifying the “Crazy Girl"

We all know a “crazy” girl. You know the one I’m talking about. The clingy one who sends a hundred texts if she doesn’t hear back within five minutes, the manipulative one who fakes a pregnancy to keep her partner from leaving her, the emotional outburst one who throws plates when she’s angry. Think Britney Spears’ 2007 shaved head or Amy Elliot Dunne from Gone Girl. The Urban Dictionary definition for “crazy bitch” reads:

“...more likely to attack your psyche than your person. She will do things that make completely no sense and not care that she is doing them. She is very selfish, and while she realizes this, she, again, doesn't care.”

This archetype is everywhere, from popular culture to the academic world (see Jennifer Berdahl’s essay “The Crazy/Bitch Narrative About Senior Academic Women”) to our day-to-day interactions. I’m pretty sure every guy I’ve ever met at some point in our interactions has dropped the phrase, “All girls are crazy.” There’s even that ridiculous 2014 “hot-crazy matrix” video in which the narrator measures “hot-ness” on a typical 1-10 scale, but measures “craziness” on a 4-10 scale because “there’s no such thing as a woman who’s not at least a ‘four’ crazy.” We’re seen as crazy for having feelings, for having desires, for establishing boundaries, for getting upset - we are written off as “crazy” for essentially any emotional response we exhibit.

In a New York Times article called “Men Are Crazy for Women Who Are, Too” by Rick Marin, Adam Platt describes the “crazy” girl as “High-energy, brainy, self-destructive women who came from tortured family situations.” To me, this description rings of a woman who has suffered and is unsure how to navigate that pain, so she lashes out and behaves erratically. However, because we’ve created this archetype of “crazy girl,” many women are unable to recognize that those behaviors often come from a place of mental unwellness and are unable to get help they may need.

“We’re seen as crazy for having feelings, for having desires, for establishing boundaries, for getting upset - we are written off as ‘crazy' for essentially any emotional response we exhibit." (click to tweet)

To truly understand how this process plays out, I believe it is important to deconstruct typical “crazy girl” behavior and recognize what those actions could be symptoms of. For example, the clingy crazy girl, who is constantly bombarding a guy with texts and calls, or the manipulative one who fakes a pregnancy. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) is essentially the dictionary for mental illness. It lists professionally recognized disorders and gives diagnostic criteria for each. One of the diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder is “frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.” So it is possible to imagine that women who behave in this way are not simply “crazy”; rather, their behavior is fueled by an underlying mental illness.

Rick Marin’s New York Times article goes on to list several different types of “crazy” women that men are typically attracted to. He describes a woman he went out with who told him, “the C.I.A. was recruiting her as a courier. They hadn’t communicated with her yet, but she was convinced they were going to.” A diagnostic criteria of bipolar disorder is manic grandiose notions, such as thinking you can fly or that you’re the next coming of the messiah or, even, that the C.I.A. is recruiting you to be a courier. However, even in the article, Marin dismisses this behavior as being part of his date’s “crazy girl” allure and makes no comment on how the woman could very well have been suffering from symptoms of a mental illness.

Another common crazy girl motif that’s often personified in movies and TV shows is drug and alcohol abuse. Most recently, I’ve seen this played out in the Sharp Objects TV show, in which the main character is coping with childhood trauma by excessively drinking vodka from an Evian water bottle. Substance abuse should not be treated as a type of manic pixie dream girl personality trait; it is itself a recognized mental illness, though it also often crops up as a symptom of a variety of other illnesses. However, Marin also notes this version of crazy girl in his article, explaining that men are attracted to her because “she looks like she needs taken care of.”

“Substance abuse should not be treated as a type of manic pixie dream girl personality trait" (click to tweet)

Having broken down a few behaviors that are often smacked with the “crazy girl” label, I think it’s easy to see that women whose behavior fit this archetype are more often than not likely suffering mental unwellness. These are women whose brains are rioting against them and causing them to act impulsively and destructively. Unfortunately, the creation and reinforcement of the “crazy girl” culture more often deters these women from being able to recognize that. When a woman is called crazy, I believe she responds in one of two ways: she either embraces it and plays into it, or she is abhorred that a man would view her that way and does everything she can to appear unemotional and unattached. Under patriarchal pressure, being desirable to the male gaze has too frequently been the ultimate goal for women, so we often submit to this stereotype in whatever way necessary, even in so far as ignoring our own mental health.

In pop culture, the crazy girl character has become entangled with sexual desirability. Just think of the 2006 song, “Crazy Bitch,” by Buckcherry:

“You're a crazy bitch

But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it

When I dream, I'm doing you all night

Scratches all down my back to keep me right on”

This connection between “crazy girl” behavior and being more sexually appealing to men has caused many women to lean into turbulent and destructive behavior and borderline embrace it. I am all for the reclamation of toxic patriarchal slurs, but in this case, when a woman buys into the crazy girl stereotype and amps up her impulsive actions as a way of getting attention from men, she is heavily deterred from recognizing that those behaviors may have roots in undiagnosed mental illness. She wants to be sexy and society teaches her that this behavior makes her more desirable, so she accepts the label, shouts it from rooftops, and indulges in clinginess, manipulation, emotional instability, substance abuse, et cetera. In doing so, she is at risk for lending herself to even more unwell emotions and behavior.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, you have women who will hide all the parts of them that they think are or will be perceived as undesirable: their feelings, their desires for monogamy and consistent communication, their understandable need for emotional validation––so as not to seem “crazy.”

Referring to a woman as “crazy” is a form of gaslighting that can lead to a disconnect with herself which, in turn, can contribute to mental illness. Gaslighting is defined as “a form of psychological abuse in which a manipulator systematically denies someone else’s reality in order to control feelings, behaviors, and activities of another person.” Dismissing a woman’s emotions by calling her crazy can cause her to come unhooked from her sense of self and her understanding of reality, which is very threatening to one’s mental health. I dealt with this for many years when I was casually dating. I wouldn’t tell men how I felt about them or the relationship, I would overthink and over-control how often I was communicating with them, I would never allow myself to be upset when they blew me off or didn’t return my calls. I kept all those emotions bottled up which was ultimately a huge detriment to my mental health. I found myself unable to communicate to people when I was struggling and incapable of reaching out for support in my darkest moments.

“Dismissing a woman’s emotions by calling her crazy can cause her to come unhooked from her sense of self and her understanding of reality, which is very threatening to one’s mental health." (click to tweet)

Ultimately, I don’t think there is such a thing as a “crazy girl.” I think women are referred to as crazy for one of two reasons: a) they aren’t playing their gender role and men are threatened and displeased by that or b) their behavior is actually a symptom of mental illness. I know so many women who are struggling and suffering and, as someone who has found a great deal of solace and healing in therapy, I often recommend it. However, the response I often get is, “Oh, I don’t need therapy. I’m not mentally ill, I’m just crazy.” This label both allows us and forces us to ignore the signals our bodies and minds are giving us that something is not right in our mind. It is my hope that we as a culture stop dismissing women’s behavior as “crazy” and instead, encourage ourselves and each other to seek healing in whatever form that feels right to us.

Ailey is a poet, editor, bartender and contributing writer for Pussy Magic. In Gaelic, her name means "ray of light" and she works to practice that in every interaction. She's an empath who is passionate about mental health awareness and self-compassion and acceptance. She dabbles in tarot and hopes to one day write a book of poetry about it. She lives in North Carolina with her dog Clementine. Check out her website aileyotoole.com for more.

[talkingbricks-blog]

hi!

i’m feeling pretty okay today! i think i want to talk about being able to feel satisfied in solitude and find comfort in being alone. 

i used to be extremely dependent. dependent on social media, family, a boyfriend, teachers, and friends. i was dependent on them for generally the same thing which was validation. i was also dependent on these people for other things, such as happiness from a boyfriend, money from my family, or help from my friends. of course in moderation i can sometimes expect these things from these people but i was solely dependent on these people for how my life turned out. 

it’s really frightening to look back now and remember that mindset.

to be honest for the longest time i was fine with that mindset and lifestyle. this is because i didn’t realize what was going on. i didn’t realize how dependent i was on everyone. i didn’t know that it weighs on other people knowing that someone (me) couldn’t function without their company or assistance. if i was ever called out for this behavior i would obviously deny it. i knew that it was a bad thing, but i couldn’t see myself doing it. i liked to tell myself that because of all that i have gone through and overcome, i was independent. 

after a lot of arguments and exposure to this idea i came to terms that i was indeed a very dependent person. i don’t think i ever said it out loud, though. i know i wrote a song about it. i originally wrote the song pointed at someone else very close to me whose dependency, among other traits, were weighing on me. in writing the song i realized that my behavior checked all of the same boxes. 

once i came face to face with that i really didn’t know where to go from there. for the majority of my life i have had my hand held. now i knew i needed to pry that hand away and learn how to function and feel on my own. the first thing i did was log off twitter. that sounds pretty pathetic but i knew one of my main areas of dependency was seeking validation on twitter. i made a brief tweet about how i would be taking a hiatus and deleted the app off my phone. for the days after i found myself opening my phone to tweet or scroll through my feed by force of habit. i didn’t, though, because the app was gone. i would draft tweets in my head and even wrote down some in my notes that i thought would get a lot of retweets. i didn’t want to log back in until i went a certain amount of time not thinking about twitter. i didn’t log back in for about six months.

those six months were for the most part wonderful. i learned a lot about myself and how i feel.  

i challenged myself to not sit by my phone awaiting a mundane text from someone who wasn’t nearly as needy as i was or avoid posting a selfie on my social media knowing i would be flooded with compliments. it took a lot of time because my dependent, needy thoughts lingered. i started going to stores and restaurants by myself to prove to myself that i didn’t need to be in the company of someone to do an everyday task. that wasn’t so much dependency as it was social-anxiety but hey, i overcame that in the process so that’s gotta count for something. 

it felt really good to recognize that i was doing things for myself, by myself. i was feeling happy on my own. i was feeling pretty on my own. i could look in a mirror and know in my heart that i was actually beautiful. i didn’t need anyone else to say it for me to know that truth. i stopped wearing makeup everyday and only wore it for the proper occasion. i could look people in the eye without having to dress up and act a certain way to feel that simple courage. 

i logged back onto twitter, twitter was my biggest downfall in dependency so logging back on was a symbol of true change for me. when i got back on and scrolled through my feed, i noticed i was really out of touch with my friends. i didn’t know what anything they were talking about was really about. i realized i had distanced myself from a lot of my friends almost all together in the process of bettering myself. now, i will admit that in that process i rid of a lot of overdue toxic people in my life and that was and still is awesome. but, i also distanced myself from some really good people. there wasn’t hard feelings in those relationships but they were just... abandoned. i immediately tried to make a smooth transition back into those relationships but it hasn’t returned them to what they used to be, yet. 

i really am sorry to everyone i drifted apart from. they probably don’t think much of it, or maybe they do, but i think about it often. i don’t know how to rekindle our relationship but i will do my best to try if i think something is still there.

in distancing myself from people i learned a lot about how i should talk to myself. i mean learned how to encourage and respect myself. i learned that i should only be surrounded by people who would do the same, encourage and respect me. obviously at this point i didn’t need them to be doing that for reassurance, but what i’m trying to say is that i didn’t want people who wouldn’t treat me as i would treat myself. i didn’t need people in my life who would unnecessarily mistreat or demoralize me. that may have been the greatest lesson i learned in this journey. 

i’ve become very comfortable in my own skin. i’ve become confident in my abilities. i know that i am pretty without social media telling me so for me to feel that’s true. i know i can work and make money on my own without my family’s help. i know that a boyfriend is truly in love with me by his actions without needing the constant reassurance of his words. i know that i am smart without a teacher having to tell me. i know that i have good friends not by the number of them, but by the fact that they’ll stay by my side. i know that i am all of these things and so so so much more without the methods of validation i used to seek. 

i get so excited now to be alone. to be in my own skin and feel at peace with who i am, who i’ve become, and who i want to be. it’s very warm and comforting. i could be surrounded by the most supportive and reassuring people, which is absolutely wonderful, but i know that the most supportive and assuring person has to be, and is, myself. 

that’s my journey of finding satisfaction within solitude, something that i never really thought i would ever be able to achieve. i’m not perfect, of course. i still have my doubts about myself or find myself almost reverting to my previous behavior. i think i’ll always have the moments but they are nothing against how far i’ve come, and who i’ve become to be. 

this felt good.