#also ping pong is a they! they forgive the mistake ^_^

[snickeringdragon]

they appreciate it :]

yellow lipped sea kraits are awesome. as a reward for knowing how awesome they are you get to view my special guy named ping pong table

TELL PING PONG TABLE I LOVE HIM PLEASE???

[leviadraws]

since we're all having fun with ask ping-pong (/pos!!) and since you've been talking about the kisafoundation in if, i have a question: how do you think yuki and utsuro got to such an important position? especially in the if art where yuki is seen pushing tsurugi's wheelchair, i have a hard time believing that tsurugi would trust a "criminal" that much, and yamato was never very trusting of utsuro or akane to begin with. kinda feels like shoddy/lazy writing on linuj's part, but i wonder if you have any alternative thoughts?

Right this is kinda late, I'm so sorry

As always, spoilers, below cut, you guys know the drill by now

So like, to me that image has always been the survivors perception of how things could've been, rather than how they would've actually been. We know Tsurugi is still rather attached to his idea of Yuki and that's why (I believe) that he appears as Yuki over Utsuro and why he's pushing the wheelchair. I have this headcanon that Tsurugi's and Rei's utopias were likely what they thought life would be like in the IF timeline and so this image always makes me think of that.

But! Let's give it some thought regardless, what if this was how things went down in the IF timeline.

So like the cynic in me says that he's in the kinda assistant in charge position so that Yamato and Tsurugi can keep an eye on him haha. They don't want him out on missions in case he just wanders off one day, divine luck would mean he'd be impossible to follow if he really wanted to bamf out. I mean, if he wanted to leave he always could, but yanno it puts people at ease if the higher ups are keeping an eye on him.

Also, we gotta remember that the image is using their older designs, so it's anywhere between 5-10 years since DRA. So I think there's a long process of Tsurugi being very torn between his beliefs and Yuki/Utsuro and Akane trying to become better people. It's a slow process, since in this universe Yuki doesn't become Tsurugi's emotional support, but they also probably recover their memories with Yamato's help and therefore Tsurugi has overcome some of his childhood brainwashing.

Tsurugi becomes a more forgiving person, eventually and that allows him to learn that the world isn't as black and white as he was led to believe. He's still very harsh on Yuki/Usturo and Akane, especially when they make mistakes. But as time goes on they slowly become friends and trustworthy allies. So when Tsurugi becomes repeatedly injured from missions and ignores Kanata's frequent checkups and health advice to the point that his chronic pain means he needs a chair every now and then, he knows when the pain is bad he (sometimes) allows Yuki/Utsuro to help him.

Extra note: Adding to the point that I believe the image is their perception of what could be, I'd like to add that at the end of DRA Tsurugi has his memories and is surrounded by the people who helped him the most at HPA: Yamato, Mikako, and Kinji. And then Yuki, who helped him through the killing game. Rei, on the other hand, never recovers her memories and isn't really interacting with anyone, she walks between Kanata and Akane, but is only listening while looking ahead.

[actualbird]

Oh no I've been thinking about switching career to writing because I'm so so drained in my current one but I saw you saying not to pursue writing if it's a hobby. What made you feel that way if you don't mind me asking? I'm scared I might make a mistake if I change paths so any info would be very helpful, thanks x

hi anon!! i'd like it on record that i made that last post under a moment of duress and stress. granted, a moment thats been ongoing for months (a monthsment?), but like. i am taking a step back to provide an objective truth:

when im not stressed out of my mind, i genuinely enjoy my job.

i do like writing, even if it's for work. i love writing, i wouldnt have decided to study it in college and pursue a career in it if i didnt love it because lbr, nobody is going into writing for the money or fame, that such an outlier that it's almost laughable (laughter that dissolves into tired sobs, but still laughable. jkHVKJHVKJH).

but the reason i said that (and the reason why my writing exhaustion has been so recurring and regular) is cuz like---

(and forgive me but im gonna need to use a metaphor to explain this. how writerly of me jVKJSHDFKJSHD im also putting this under the cut so i dont flood ppl's dash with a writerly philosophical breakdown basically jhvKJVJK)

---it's like, when i personally write, the energy i need to do it comes from a specific HP bar, so to speak. like how in games, youve got a stamina bar and an HP bar and an MP bar and all that. my brain has a dedicated WP (Writing Points) bar, thats separate from all the other metaphorical energy bars ive got, like the Socializing Points bar or the Physical Health Bar---oh wait that already exists, thats just normal HP jkhvdfkjVKJKVJ.

problem is, that that WP bar isnt subdivided into specific kinds of writing. it's just for All writing, whether or not it's writing i do for myself for fun (like fanfic and hcs or character analyses or even just ping-ponging ideas and concepts around with buddies) or writing i do to earn money (for context: i work in advertising, so im writing anything and everything from billboards to tv commercial scripts to daily social media posts, and beyond).

my brain just sees any kind of writing as Writing. it's all synonyms, because all kinds of writing i do are powering the same brain mechanisms, even if the type of writing im doing is different.

so what ends up happening very often for me is that, by the end of the day and/or week, after non-stop writing for work, i sit down at my laptop with a hunger to write something fun with my fave tot characters and i realize that my WP bar has already been completely depleted. because i used all the points for work writing, and i Needed to because thats my job and it's how i make a living. but now theres none left for fun writing until the arbitrary time period wherein my WP bar resets. additionally, because all Writing is synonyms in my brain's processes, when i feel stressed doing work-writing, i will also feel stressed doing fun-writing. it's like muscle memory, even if those things are different.

so. this makes me tired. im really very tired constantly because i dont have the energy to write for fun a lot of the time, and being unable to do that drains the maximum value of my WP bar even more. ideally, that maximum value is sposed to grow, but if im tired and miserable all the time, i grow weak, and so the maximum value diminishes.

that being said, going into writing as a career is not a mistake. it really depends on what you want to do and how you Handle your reactions to what you end up doing

like, ive got a whole bunch of other [redacted unhealthy mental habits] which are doing the opposite of solving my eternally depleted WP bar. and i know there are ways out there to manage my energy better or manage my workload better. when im not stressed, i enjoy my job and that enjoyment feeds into my energy and lets me write more things for myself for fun. and again, i cannot stress this enough, i love writing and it's the only thing i can see myself doing for the rest of my life. it's just hard to love it when youre exhausted 24/7

but thats all jobs, sometimes, right?

idk i kinda panicked when i saw this ask and felt disheartened because i dont want to be dissuading people from pursuing something they want to do. so i wanna end this by saying that pursuing a job in writing is not automatically a mistake if your hobby is also writing. it depends on a lot of factors, and even if you reach a point that you feel like crud all the time like me, there are solutions and ways to to make it better.

im just trying to figure out those solutions myself too ajhfkjsfvkjashfa

i hope this helped, anon

[mysticchessecake]

Leftover cake 1/?

🃏IMPORTANT NOTES🃏

This takes place in season 2 before the "Shadow play". I spelling mistakes will be common! Unfortunately my phone is weird and Im new into writing fanfics I will be adding P! as past and M! as monster . Multiple complications due to my stupidity lol. Macaque follows Mk alot. To the point where he knows who his friends are.

Also I apologize if the timing is weird- I accidentally deleted my progress multiple times. Im also sorry if the characters aren't accurate. Tried my best!

♦️Summary♦️

Mk's friends decided to plan a birthday party for Mk! But they basically left Mk alone in his birthday. Leaving Mk vulnerable for someone else...to help him...

🎲Story🎲

Mk wakes up in the warm sunny day. As Mk got up to check the time, he realized that it's his birthday! As excited as Mk is, he froze when he checked the time and it was already 9:03 AM. OH NO! He's already late! He got his work attire on and rushed in the noodle shop. But the noodle shop was close... The doors are closed with a note "important event! Be back tomorrow!"

Aww did Pigsy think that Mk's birthday was important to him? How sweet. He looked at the back to see somethings because Pigsy sometimes does that, It said "Your friends will always be by your side" Mk thinks to himself that it's nice. He decideds to call Mei but she didn't pick up. Neither did Tang or Pigsy or even Sandy who always picks up even in the middle of the night! Maybe they left a note in his room? Because Mei does go in Mk's room without notice sometimes...

Mk checks his room, he sees nothing! Maybe they're at Mei's house? Odd but nothing really weird- He checks Mei's parents who are still slightly salty about their machine but they said "Mei isn't here, She left at 5 AM and she was carrying some candies and some ping pong paddles, she also took her Jet." Mk thanked them and left, he checked Sandy's boat but they are not there. Have they need something for Mei to leave her house at 5 AM? Even the 0 gravity arcade or even a farmers market. Then he recalled over hearing them say.

P! Pigsy - So ya got the table?

P! Mei - Yeah but I still need the find the ping pong paddles-

P! Pigsy - I won't forgive you for losing my precious paddles

P! Mei - I didn't lose it. It's just not in my room probably

P! Pigsy - Yeaa SURE. But what abou-

That's all he can remember. So Mk dosent know where they are. Until he gets a notification from Mei social media. Mk surprised he didn't thought of that sooner since Mei is pretty active there. He checked to see nothing..? He's blocked.. ? What's happening?

Did his friends abandoned him? You would think after the events of thats happened, he wouldn't think such a thought but. After Sun Wukong left him. He's issues gotten worse. You see, Mk knows that sometimes he's dosent understand things that are frustrating for others. He done it multiple times to his friends. And his past friends. They left him.

Mk got sad. How could his friends, his parental figures. LEAVE HIM? He thought that maybe because he's annoying. He led them to danger. Your friends would leave you right? Maybe this is a good thing? His friends don't need to suffer anymore.

He went home sad and alone. He felt like he was abandoned scrap. Until he saw "Monkie king"

Mk - Monkie king? I thought you were at vacation?

"Monkie king" - I left early bud. So what's the problem?

Mk - I just. Today is birthday! But my friends aren't here. I think they just forgot abou-

"Monkie king" laughs

Mk - What's so funny?

"Monkie king" laughs

Mk - Are you the actual Monkie king?

"Monkie king" laughs

Mk - Can you stop laughing?

"Monkie king" laughs

Mk - I said stop please?

"Monkie king" laughs

Mk -...

"Monkie king" laughs

Mk -...

"Monkie king" laughs

Mk - I said STOO

Mk got frustrated and punched "Monkie king" he can't handle his mentor laughing at his face about his friends abandoning him. That Monkie turned out to be Macaque.

Mk - MACAQUE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Macaque - Im checking in my favorite student as your mentor

Mk - Im NOT your student AND YOU AREN'T MY MENT-

Macaque - Then who is your mentor? The monkie king who ABANDONED you?

Mk - H-he didn't abandon me- Uh he went to vacation

Macaque - Kid, Are you REALLY believing the same guy who would lead you into danger? And making YOU figure out everything on your own?

Mk - This is just gonna help me be independent!

Macaque - Sure kid. Hey where's your friends? Did they abandoned you too?

Mk - DONT say they abandoned me. They just forgot about my birthday-

Macaque - Some friends they are

Mk - What do you want?

Macaque - Don't you wanna continue our lessons?

Mk - YOU TOOK MY POWERS LAST TIME

Macaque - Unfortunately Wukong did some mystic crap that makes me unable to take your powers AGAIN

Mk - How do I know you're not lying?

Macaque - Because I would have took them already

Mk - Ok sure. But either way NO

Macaque - Fine by me! Love to see near your friends that ABANDONED you.

Mk not wanting to feel abandoned a 2nd time decideds to do something

Mk - Wait!

Macaque - Hm?

Mk - Don't leave me please...

Macaque - Finally grew some eyes hm?

Mk - mmm sure.. Anyways what training you are gonna even do?

Macaque shadow portals his way out of Mk's bedroom. Then Mk shortly followed forcefully! By Macaque putting a portal underneath him.

Mk - W-WHA WHAT- WHER- HOW- WHERE ARE WE? Wait.. IS THIS THE SAME AREA WHERE WE TRAINED?

Macaque - I don't know kid. IS IT?

Mk - You bitc-

Macaque - Anyways we are gonna learn how to use your emotions into a weapon.

Mk - What?

Macaque - Do I have to spell everything out for you? UGHH! You are TOO emotional kid. Use as a weapon

Mk - I AM NOT TOO emotional

Macaque - You are doing it right now!

Mk - >:(

Macaque - Sit down and close your eyes. Then think of the bad things that happened to you.

Mk - Nothing bad happ-

Mk suddenly remembered the time he stupidly accidentally helped LBD. The time Monkie king abandoned left him alone. T H E M. Does words started to pop up in his head.

"Can't focus"

Mk - S-stop

"Never listening"

Mk - I stop

"Bad friend"

Mk - Please?

"Idiot"

Mk - P-please?

"Stupid"

Mk - S-shut up.

"Abandoned scrap"

Mk - Shut up!

"Unworthy"

Mk - SHUT UP SHUT UP

"He chose the wrong successor"

Mk - I SAID SHUT UP

Mk in suddenly in a dark room with a dark figure. Is this Macaque tricks again? But shouldn't the dark figure be purple? Why is it a deep red? And resembles Mk? Is this his anger? his bottled up emotions?

As he thought that, that thing. It comes near Mk. Mk tried to use the staff but its not there. He tried to scream but no one can hear him.

Mk's eyes starred glowing blue remembering LBD. Then everything turned pitch black. He felt a sharp pinch but that's it. He can hear shouting but it's muffled. He's in a black void. He tried screaming. But nobody can hear him. Nobody can hear his cries for help. It feels cold. It feels welcoming. He deserves this. He deserse.. th.. is

In the not void world, Macaque sees Mk's eyes is filled with tears ... his eyes... it feels like darkness... a void.. its like build up stress and anger and frustration.. Macaque knows it's not Mk..

As Macaque open his mouth to start the "Big baddie gets his enemy's successor turned against what his enemy was training him for until"

Mk screams in pain. He grows something. And turns into a monkie monster. It kinda resembles the form Monkie king demonic form. but it also has some elements of Macaque's shadowy form. Must be result after Macaque trained him.

M! Mk smashes Macaque on the ground with great speed. And looks like he's going for the others. Macaque nearly died a second time. Because it seems that M! Mk's power greatly enhanced. But he escaped with a shadow portal.

Back with the other people. It looks like Tang and Pigsy and the others are preparing Mk's birthday. They're at flower fruit mountain with the help with Mei's jet.

As they get ready to get Mk for his birthday. They feel like something bad happened...But they glossed over that. As they got on Mei's ship (Sandy decideds to stay just incase) Pigsy tells Mei.

Pigsy - So did ya leave a note or a text to Mk saying "we are doing something secret"? Because I forgot to ask that.

Mei - Since when did you ask that?

Pigsy - You forgot to send him a text.

Mei - Look to my credit I did block him is it wouldn't ruin the surprise.

Pigsy - WAIT YOU DID WHAT?

Mei - Block him?

Pigsy - Mei you dum- THIS ISN'T A SURPRISE PARTY

Mei - Oh yeah.

Pigsy - YOU KNOW HOW MK GETS ABOUT SURPRISES.

Mei - I knoww

Pigsy - YOU BEEN HIS FRIEND FOR YEARS?! HOW IS THIS DIFFERENT? (in fact, why every week, someone suddenly forgets their development for like one day???)

Mei - WELL you did leave him.

Pigsy - To my credit we needed your jet and you would have probably woke him up at 6AM to go. Even though I told you not to because he went partying with you last night.

Mei - Why not Tang? SANDY? YOU?

Pigsy - I didn't need Tang to mess up my recipe. Plus I trust Tang to know where Flower fruit mountain is. We aren't strong enough too carry all the stuff we got.

Mei - Fair. *sigh* Let's just get Mk.

Sandy - Hey I should stay here just in case!

Pigsy - Sure. (Why does it feel convenient)

Mei's jet is an amazing jet. They got to the city seeing a monkie monster with sharp ropes near its head. The eyes look angry and sad. The monster's color is a deep red and the eyes are a golden yellow. The monster has sharp claws. And sharp teeth

Pigsy - WHAT THE FU- IS THAT

Mei - We left for 7 HOURS AND THIS IS WHAT I SEE.

Tang - Interesting-

Mei - OF COURSE ITS INTERESTING- ITS A MONSTER

Tang - And that monster kinda looks Monkie kings demonic form!

Pigsy - (Always the voice of plot convenience)

Mei - Are you saying this is Monkie king?

Macaque - No its the kid

Pigsy - HO- WHA- WHO AND HOW DID YOU GET HERE?

Macaque - Im the-

Tang - Its the six eared Macaque!! The best friend of Monkie king

Macaque - *sign* sure.

Mei - Wait. DID YOU SAY THAT THE EVIL MONKIE MONSTER DESTROYING THE CITY. IS MK?

Macaque - Kid's friends are as dense as him, hm

Mei - You little bas-

Pigsy - WHAT the HELL happened to the KID Macque

Macaque - Macaque. Idk maybe just maybe HE GOT SAD THAT YOU ABANDONED HIM?

Pigsy - WE DIDN'T ABANDONED HIM.

Macaque - REALLY? Because he looked like he was abandoned by YOU

Tang - ALRIGHT the six eared Macaque. WE WERE PLANNING HIS BIRTHDAY

Macaque - And you couldn't drop a text?

Tang - LOOK WE WERE PREPAR-

Mei - GUYS LOOK OUT

M! Mk almost hits the jet. Fortunately Mei manages to dodge him in time to flee. M! Mk knows that they are there now. They aren't safe. They're best bet is to lead him far from the city. Maybe the ocean or the desert is the best bet.

They chose desert because just incase M! Mk suddenly pops open to see not M! Mk. They can get him safely and land. (As good as the Jet is. It can't stay on the air without moving somewhere . It needs a path then it can drive it self)

Mei somehow turned on the invisible thing on but its only limited. They started talking about wtf happened to Mk. Everyone mentioned how he acted strange. Pigsy mentioned when he asked if Mk was good because he was quiet (S2 Ep5) Pigsy said that he

"Just some mystic monkie business"

Tang mentioned how Mk generally slowed down for a while. When Tang asked if he's doing good. Mk said

"Just some issues, nothing I can't handle"

Mei mentioned when she took him to a movie about a girl getting possessed. Mk looked genuinely terrified. Not the usual scared. But something else. Mei asked if he's doing well and Mk said.

"Im fine!"

Pigsy also recall Sandy saying that Mk got a bit jumpy than usual. Like if you mention the fight with (NOT) DBK, Mk would freeze up. Sandy asked if he's been good after the fight, Mk said.

"Doing better!"

Macaque - interesting...

Mei - Soo how do we help Mk?

Macaque - uh hm.

"We can save him"

Tang - hm?

"he's inside that monster thing"

Tang - what?

"We go to his heart"

Tang - I-I know!

Macaque - Alright glasses. What we do

Tang - M-maybe we somehow go in the M! Mk's heart and try to save him there! Mk is inside of it.

Mei - And how did you come up with this?

Tang - It felt like destiny

Pigsy - Ok ok. How do you think we can detract the M! Mk enough we somehow get into his heart?

Macaque - I may have a plan

Back in the void world. Mk made a coping mechanism dream world. Where he didn't get abandoned!

In the dream world, he's having his birthday! With everyone! Although they're eyes are blacked out. As he started to sing the birthday song.

In the not dream world.

Mei - Im still shock that you, yes you, turned into a massive shadow monster and somehow destroyed it

Macaque - Yeah, yeah

Pigsy - Ok. So do we like fly the jet into his heart or somethin? Cause what if it hurts the kid?

Macaque - Oh please, kid's been thrown against the ground at full force multiple times.

Tang - And how is potentially driving a jet into his heart can compare to that?

Macaque - Hmm. What if I throw something at him an if it's solid then we abort and think of another plan

Mei - What are you gonna throw at him?

Macaque - Probably a building

Pigsy - WHAT. WE ARE NOT THROWING A BUILDING AT MK

Macaque - You aren't.

Pigsy - Listen here you smart a-

Mei - How about a car or something? I heard car prices are dropping

Macaque - Sure.

Tang - Wait even if w- Macaque. What if it actually hurts Mk inside?

Macaque - Kid can handle it.

Pigsy - Oh sh-

Tang shushed Pigsy.

Mei - Okay. So. Macaque goes demon shadow form and "distracts" M! Mk. While we fly through his heart?

Macaque - Pretty much

Mei - hmm. Seems like a perfectly good plan!

Macaque - Alright let's go.

[otome-scribbles]

Broken Trust: Diavolo x Child Bride MC 💔 Chapter Six 💔

Diavolo had been planning his break up for the last few years after finding out his current lover was cheating on him.

He sighed, 'So. That's how she felt when I left her for this dumb woman...'

He often wondered if she'd take him back after all that.... 'Definitely not.'

*************************************************

Student council meeting was going to start in a few minutes, and so he prepared his paperwork.

As soon as the seven avatars came in, he looked up.... and there she was. Behind Lucifer....

There was something different about her entire demeanor: she carried herself with the grace and dignity of a queen.

The regal air of royalty surrounded her.

Yet she was humble and kind. He'd noticed her entry to RAD immediately after the semester began.

As a student, she was brilliant. And so, Satan requested she attend the student council meetings.

If only could see her during these meetings, why not?

He agreed, no hesitation and no questions asked. He just wanted to see her again.

He'd ask her questions during the meetings and she'd reply carefully choosing her words.

Ten years..... and here she was, beautiful, intelligent and he was smitten.

*************************************************

As she was leaving, Diavolo cleared his throat and asked her to stay for a few minutes.

"Just wanted to know how your current stay is and how your studies are going," was his lame excuse.

She looked at Lucifer and Satan, and they understood immediately. "It's going well. I'm sorry, Your Highness, but....I need to leave. I'll be late for my class..."

She forced a smile, and gingerly stepped out of her chair when he grabbed her wrist.

"Esshra....I was so stupid...."

"Let her go, Lord Diavolo," Satan was seething with rage, Lucifer in his demon form.

She pushed the redheaded demon off of her, remaining as calm as ever, "If you didn't reflect on your past mistakes and grown from it, then it's your problem. I won't forgive you. But at least let me do my best this year. Before I leave."

Satan and Lucifer, for once, out aside their differences and smiled genuinely at her.

She was a strong, level-headed young woman.

"Goodbye, Diavolo. You said the first goodbye, yet you dragged me back here. I'm giving you the last goodbye....permanently," and with that she turned and left.

Asmo's shrieks of "YAS QUEEN!!" were heard in the halls of RAD, amusingly enough. (Levi was denying it but he'd actually screamed along with Asmodeus).

*************************************************

Lucifer stepped in once MC had left, both him and Satan having heard the entire conversation.

They stayed quiet until Satan simply asked what the next agenda was.

"A ball..." the wheels in Diavolo's head were turning. He needed to get back with her. He made a mistake. A severe one.

"Lord Diavolo....are you...." Lucifer hesitated, looking at Satan. Immediately they knew what was going on.

"When, where and dress code?" Satan asked the basics.

"This weekend. My castle. Dress code is the usual.... however, invitees need a partner. They have the option of coming in with a partner or meeting their partner at the ball," he grinned.

"And please be sure Esshra gets a personalized invitation from myself."

*************************************************

@tanspostsblog @obeythebutler @chaotic-andi741 @chaoticotaku @amistytown @voidcallingecho @minteyeddevil @tsubaki3192 @mayorofzillyhoo @books-and-catears @leeloominai22 @yukihaie @lucigirl-katie @luciferscockslut

@jae-tries-writting-stuff

Comments about my writing is appreciated 🙇‍♀️

Also, Diavolo's mood at the start of the chapter was inspired by Do You Know? (The Ping Pong Song) by Enrique Iglesias

[hoe-imaginess]

Okay, so..... Madara, Obito, Sasuke, Itachi having their s/o cheating on them? Just break my heart on this one.

ouch 

Madara... Just... wow... where to begin with this man 

Very deep down, Madara never had trust in the longevity of his relationship anyways. This is wayyy beneath the “I’m confident in who I am and my ego is huge” thing he’s got going on. It’s just a little inkling of doubt that’s always there, that flares a bit when he thinks his s/o is being distant, or even after they have a bad argument. So honestly, no matter how good the relationship is (or seems to be) it’s like Madara’s just waiting for the other shoe to drop

So when his s/o cheats on him, of course he’s livid. But he’s also got a morbid sense of acceptance going on too, because it’s almost like he predicted this. Like he knew it would never work out. Like it’s only natural that another good thing in his life would come to an end

He’s very cold to his ex. Whether he shuns them for their unfaithfulness out in the open really depends on the circumstance. But he doesn’t forgive, and as much as he’d like to, it’s difficult for him to forget

Obito!! Poor baby!!! Why would anyone do this to Obito!!!

At first, he’s angry. Like, what the hell?? Why? Why would his s/o do this? It’s just so wrong and so not okay. What were they thinking?

Then the insecurity seeps in. What did he do that led his s/o to cheat? Was he not spending enough time with them? Was he not treating them right? Was he boring them? What did he do? 

Oh, but then he’s angry again. Because while he’s reminiscing on the relationship to see what could have gone wrong, he really can’t see how this is his fault. He treated his s/o so well. He loved them. And now this? They just betray him like this? 

Basically he ping pongs between guilt and anger until it drives him crazy. Then he just sort of :/ wallows in depression for a while. That being said, his feelings for his s/o are so strong that he might be one who would try to overlook the cheating and see if the relationship could work out. It’s an unhealthy habit, but Obito can’t help but cling to the hope that everything will be okay

Sasuke takes this with an eery apathy. As in, he’ll actually walk in on his s/o in the act of cheating, but simply walk back out wordlessly. He just... doesn’t have anything to say to to his s/o

Even when he sees his s/o later, it’s not a remarkable confrontation. Sasuke will let his s/o spew their excuses and lies and apologies as much as they want, but the relationship is undoubtedly over in his mind. Nothing they can say or do will change that

He’s so abrupt and passive about it because otherwise, he’ll just simmer on the betrayal until it drives him crazy. And he doesn’t want that. He can’t have his mind clouded by that sort of stuff anymore. He thinks he’s grown as a person, so he also thinks he owes it to himself to just forget his s/o if they were willing to betray his trust so easily

Itachi is infinitely upset about it. It’s such a blatant and careless act of disloyalty that he didn’t even know his s/o was capable of. He tries to rationalize it, not really because he feels guilty and wants to know where it all went wrong—why bother wondering? Why bother lamenting on mistakes he may or may not have made in the past when the deed is done?—Itachi simply wants to end the relationship with some sort of clarity so he can move on

Also, he wouldn’t treat his ex s/o any differently. He wouldn’t be spiteful or sour. Sure, they hurt him. But it is what it is. And honestly, his polite apathy toward them after the break-up is probably far more condemning than any outward hostility could ever be

[crossbows-and-moonshine]

Such a Softer Sin (Chapter ninteen)

(Chapter one)     (Chapter two)     (Chapter three)     (Chapter four)

(Chapter five)     (Chapter six)     (Chapter seven)     (Chapter eight)

(Chapter nine)     (Chapter ten)     (Chapter eleven)     (Chapter twelve)

(Chapter thirteen)     (Chapter fourteen)     (Chapter fifteen)

(Chapter sixteen)     (Chapter seventeen)     (Chapter eighteen)

Two chapters again.

Intense feels, sadness and feelings revealed.

-----------------------

It was noon the next day before Lila returned to the loft. The boys were sat at the table in just their jeans, they had not slept well knowing Lila wasn't there and she was mad at them. The silence in the loft was also like an awful taste of what it would be like if she was gone and it only made them feel worse. They were sure the poor girl was running out of chances she was willing to give them and they didn't have a fucking clue on how to fix it this time. The mistakes of the night before didn't have any deep meaning behind it. They were piss drunk, in need of a good fuck and the girls had presented themselves to them more than willing. But they knew they should have thought about Lila, it was hypocritical on their parts and they knew she fucking cared about them because she had told them, she had shown them with the gifts she had gotten them. She had done nothing but try to give them the best birthday ever and they had thrown it back in her face. They were supposed to be building up their trust again, not pulling this shit. They knew damn well if it had been the other way around, and they saw Lila on some fuckers lap making out with him, well, said fucker would be dead in seconds. They couldn't imagine how she was feeling. And then there was the issue of the bullshit they had said to the girls, that the lass had heard. Of course they didn't mean it, their dicks were doing the thinking for them and they said it just to keep the girls interested and wanting. But they shouldn't have said it at all, because it wasn't true in the slightest. She had given them the best gifts they had ever received, she had forgiven them both for misgivings too big to forgive, she looked after them more than a friend should and she cared about them. And for them to say she was no one, for her to fucking hear that, they could only imagine how much it hurt her. Murphy remembered how he felt when she told him she wasn't his girl. That had been enough to make him feel like he was dying, and this was fucking worse.

She walked in, still in the same outfit as the night before and it looked like she hadn't even slept since her hair and makeup hadn't budged an inch. The twins stared at her warily but she didn't look to them once as she pulled her jacket off, throwing it over the couch. She walked over to the sink and poured herself a glass of water, chugging it.

“Lila love, can we talk about it?” Murphy asked hesitantly, feeling overwhelmingly anxious by the fact she hadn't spoken or looked at them yet. He was met with a stony silence as she kicked off her high heels.

“Lass, please talk te us.” Connor pleaded desperately. They were finally met by her blue eyes and there was so much hurt there it was setting them ablaze.

“I’m sorry? Are you talking to me? You know, since I’m no one and all.” She sneered, attitude dripping off every word like venom as she grabbed her jeans and a black t-shirt to change into. She started walking to the screen so she could change but Murphy had gotten up and was following her.

She turned around before the screen and looked at him looking bored, clothes in her hand as she waited for him to take the hint and go the fuck away so she could do so without an audience.

“Don’t be like that Lila, we’re sorry. We were drunk and stupid, I know its no excuse but we’re sorry.” Murphy begged, clearly not taking the hint. She glanced at her clothes and back to him pointedly to make it obvious but he didn't budge. Fine, alright then, if he wanted to play that game.

“You're right, it is no excuse.” She started as she undid her jeans and pulled them off. The boys watched her carefully, aware they should look away but they didn't.

“I was prepared to give you guys the benefit of the doubt, we are just friends, after all, I'd even arranged to sleep on Rocco's couch so you could bring those bitches back here without me being in the way.” She continued, unclipping her bralette and tossing it to the floor. She had no bra underneath but her hair was long enough to cover her nipples. The twins could see the swell of her breasts either side though and they both shifted in unison, feeling their bodies reacting. It was just awkward since they were currently having a fight.

“But then…” She laughed incredulously. “Then you pull that shit, ‘she’s no one you need to worry about.’ ‘she's no one.’ like wow really? You sure like no one to cook and clean for you, to make you fucking lunches for work.” She laughed bitterly, shaking her head.

Murphy knew he shouldn't, god knows he knew he shouldn't, but he couldn't control himself, even with her words or the venom in her voice. He was never one for self-control or to show any restraint and before Lila fucking knew what hit her, the darker haired twin had closed the gap between them, his lips on hers as his hands greedily grabbed her hips. There was no sweetness in his kiss, it was all tongues and teeth as all of his desperation and pent up feelings came out. Like seeing her in only her panties had been the straw to break the camel's back and he couldn't help himself. Lila kissed him back at first, too shocked for her brain to work and her hands rested on his chest as he backed her up to the wall and he moaned into the kiss. His body was pressed flush against hers in the best way as his mouth claimed hers almost violently. But then the words from the night before pinged around her brain like a ping pong ball and in an instant, she had pushed him away, and there was a resounding thwack that echoed in the loft as she smacked him hard across the face.

Murphy held his face with a wince and wide eyes, he knew he deserved it. She was already upset at him and he fucking attacked her with his lips like that when she was already vulnerable, practically naked and mad. Connor stood from his place where he had been sat, watching the whole thing part interested, part mortified, and he walked over warily. It was confusing, he was quite turned on by watching Lila kiss his brother like that, to see how she gave into him so easily, making it clear she wanted him, but at the same time he fucking knew this wasn't the time or place for that, not with everything that was going on. And the slap across Murphys face just proved that point.

“How fucking dare you!” She hissed at Murphy, seething with such rage. Murphy had the decency to look abashed by his lack of control, but if he was completely honest he didn't fucking regret the kiss because now he had actually kissed her.

“I’m done with your fucking mind games, the both of you are fucking ridiculous. You say you care but actions speak louder than words, and right now it's quite clear you don't give a fuck about me. I’m just some fucking plaything to you both.” She spat angrily as she shoved her shirt over her head.

“No lass, yer not, please, last night was a mistake and Murphy's just a fuckin’ idiot.” Connor pleaded, shooting Murphy a dark look for being such a dick. Murphy wiped his hand over his face, finally meeting her eyes. He was unsettled to find that instead of the rage that was just there a second ago, now she just looked cold.

“I’m going to view apartments today. I’ll be out of your hair soon enough and you can go do whatever the fuck you want without me around.” She said harshly, tugging on her normal jeans and shoving past them.

It felt like their hearts had stilled completely as they whipped around to look at her as she grabbed her Doc Martens, sitting on the chair to put them on.

“No! Ye cannae leave Lila, fuckin’ please!” Murphy cried, his eyes filling with tears as fear rushed through him. It was a harsh reminder from that fateful night he had hurt her but this time he didn't feel anger at her leaving, he just felt blind pain. Lila couldn't look at him, it would be hard to stay mad if she did. When Murphy was upset he always looked so young and vulnerable and she needed to see this through. She couldn't keep going through this with them.

“Lass please don't leave.” Connors low voice shocked her so much her hands stilled. He sounded so broken, upset, a voice she wasn't used to hearing from the harder hearted twin. She swallowed thickly, stupidly braving a glance at the pair. Murphy wiped his eyes, his chest heaving as he looked at her pleadingly, and Connor looked at her defeated, his eyes shining with unshed tears. They knew they’d fucked up again, and they weren’t sure why it kept happening. They'd become used to having the girl in their lives and they weren't ready to let her go, they couldn't just willingly let her leave because they both knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that without her, their lives would become very fucking empty.

Lila felt the coldness she had surrounded herself with to protect herself crack, her own tears falling down her cheeks as she clenched her jaw and took a deep breath. She needed to stay strong. Her jaw ached with how hard she was clenching it as she looked back down and continued putting her boots on. Connor shook his head as he lowered it, feeling like his heart was on fire and consuming him whole. Murphy choked out a sob as he rushed at her, falling to his knees in front of her and taking her face in his hands. He was crying freely now, always the twin who didn't care about showing his emotions, he couldn't hide them anyway. Lila's bottom lip trembled and she closed her eyes so she didn't have to look at his heartbroken blue eyes.

“Delila please, dinnae leave us, we need ye. Fuckin’ please, I cannae live wit’out ye. “ He begged through his sobs, so fucking desperate and hurting so bad. Her chest was heaving as she tried to stop herself from sobbing and breaking down completely. Hearing Murphy so upset only hurt Connor more, it felt like someone was stabbing him in the heart over and over.

“I can’t...I can't keep doing this with you. It hurts too much.” Lila sobbed, the dam breaking as her heart shattered inside of her. Murphy shook his head pleadingly, pulling her head down to rest her forehead on his.

“Please. Please, Lila dinnae go. We love ye, we’re so fuckin’ in love with ye and we need ye.” Murphy admitted through his harsh sobs. Connor leant against the back of the couch, feeling like his heart would give out at any moment. The pain was unbearable.

“No you don’t, if you did you wouldn't keep hurting me.” She whispered brokenly through her tears. Murphy's words had felt like a punch to the gut, how could she believe them? Connor shook his head as a choked sob escaped him. He knew this was it. She was right, actions spoke louder than words. They could tell her they loved her until they were blue in the face but it didn't mean a thing unless they acted that way to back it up. And all they had done so far was hurt her, now they were going to lose her forever.

Murphy's hands fell from her face as he wrapped his arms around her middle like a desperate child, laying his face in her lap as his body shook with violent sobs. He couldn't lose her, he felt like he would literally die if he did.

“One more chance lass, please. I know it's askin’ a lot o’ ye, but please. Just one more so we can prove te ye we love ye.” Connor pleaded weakly as he wiped his eyes. Lila lowered her head as she cried. This whole thing was hurting her more than she had thought it would and the boys' pain only made it worse, because she fucking loved them with every fiber of her being and seeing them like this was killing her. Murphy's strangled sobs echoed in the tiny loft and each one was like a stab to her heart. Her hands found his hair as she ran her fingers through it, wanting to take even a fraction of his pain away.

“One more chance, this is it. Any more fuck ups and we’re done.” She sighed feeling worn down and defeated. As much as she knew she should go, after everything and all the drama, they had her heart and leaving would hurt her just as much as it would hurt them.

Murphy's grip on her tightened as he cried tears of relief now, he wouldn't fuck up again, they both wouldn't. Too much was at stake and this whole thing had woken them the fuck up. Connor walked over, sniffling as he wiped his tears away. He crouched next to them, his hand weaving into Lilas long hair and his other rubbing Murphy's neck soothingly. The three of them were physically linked for the moment, staying silent as they all tried to calm themselves and take comfort from one another. Connor composed himself first, being the calmer of them all in general. He kissed the side of Murphy's head before leaning up and kissing Lilas cheek. He stood and went into the kitchen to make them all some tea. He felt exhausted after all that, it had taken it out of him. Lilas' hands were stroking through Murphy's hair softly and he looked up at her, wiping his eyes as he tried to calm his breathing. They just locked eyes for a moment, they all knew this was a  turning point for them. They couldn't go back to being just friends, it was causing too much hurt for them all. It was finally time they just bit the bullet and dealt with whatever it was they were feeling. Lila leant forward, pressing a kiss to Murphy's forehead softly, her lips lingering there as he stroked her hips. When she moved away he gave her a weak smile which she returned.

It was moments like this where she was sure Connor was the oldest and Murphy was definitely the youngest. She thought back to what Murphy had told her about Connor the day before. ‘He acts like feelin’s just get in the way or somethin’ if it's anyone but me.’ She had never seen it so clear, but now, she could. The twins came first to each other, that much was obvious, but it was as if Connor was forced to stuff his feelings down, not wanting to deal with them, in order for him to be there for Murphy and help him through. Murphy was over-emotional to the point sometimes he was a mess, and with their twin telepathy, she knew Connor must be feeling it too. She couldn't imagine what that was like, to have feelings that weren’t your own. It was like Connor had trained himself to put his feelings in a box so he could deal with Murphy and get him through it, because he was worried. Hell, Murphy worried her sometimes with his behaviour. It wasn't just his anger, he got upset so easy and it was never just a little bit. Everything with Murphy was intense. Hard and fast. And she wondered to herself what would happen if Murphy didn't have Connor to continuously pick him up and carry him on his shoulders, and it made her heart clench. The whole thing was unhealthy. Connor didn't deal with his feelings which left him almost clueless to dealing with them, and occasionally they erupted like a volcano spilling over like the morning before it seemed. And then there was Murphy who did deal with his feelings, just not always in the best way. It was almost as if Murphy used his heart and not his head, with his twin being the opposite, thinking instead of feeling.

The three of them were exhausted now from everything, they were emotionally spent. Lila stroked Murphy's cheeks before she moved to get up, making him shift out of her way so she could stand. She wiped her eyes again, she was pretty sure she had no tears left now but that was a good thing. She hoped to God that giving the boys this last chance wasn't a mistake, but she knew she couldn't live without them now she knew what life was like with them in it. She slid off her jeans but kept her t-shirt on. Connor glanced over his shoulder at her as Murphy looked at her, watching her with interest as she climbed into Connors bed. She lay down on her side under the covers with a sigh. The twins looked to one another, once again not needing words. They were unsure if she had meant to get in the bed they had been sharing or if she was just that tired she needed to lay in the bed closest to her. They weren't really sure what the next move was. Since she had gotten into bed, Connor abandoned the cups of tea and walked over to Murphy as he stood up. Connor scratched the stubble on his chin and Murphy rubbed his lower lip with his thumb as they both looked at her. She was silent but they didn't think she was asleep yet, just fucking exhausted. They glanced to each other one more time and Murphy shrugged. He decided to throw caution to the wind and say a big ‘fuck it’, since everything would be different from now on anyway. There was no more pretending they didn't feel things for one another, no more dancing around the elephant in the room. This moment on was the changing point for the three of them and the only way it would work is if they just went with what felt right to them.

So Murphy shucked off his jeans, walking over to the bed and laying on Lilas right side, Connor following suit and laying behind her. Connors arms wrapped around her middle, his hand splayed on her stomach as he spooned her. She opened her eyes and Murphy was lay in front of her, his eyes were still red but he had stopped crying. She lay her hand over Connors on her belly like she had done to his twin the day before, and her other hand came up to Murphy's cheek, stroking it affectionately as she gave him a sleepy smile. She felt Connor tighten his arm in response, nuzzling the back of her neck, and Murphy gave her such a wonderful smile, leaning into her touch. Murphy scooted closer, feeling needy and still practically desperate after her almost leaving them. He was pressed against her as he tucked his head in the curve of her neck, his arm wrapping around her middle under Connors. She smiled to herself feeling content, like there was nowhere else she would rather be in the world than being sandwiched between these two, no matter how exhausting they could be at times. Her hand came to Murphy's hair and she buried her fingers in it, her soft fingertips massaging his scalp.

She heard him hum softly, almost purring at her affection as he nuzzled her neck, like he couldn't get close enough. Part of him wanted to climb inside of her shirt just so he could be even closer and feel her skin. Connor rumbled a quiet laugh behind her at Murphy's thought, his thumb stroking her stomach over her t-shirt. None of them spoke, they didn't need words. Enough had already been said and now they were happy to just be with each other and feel each other out, take comfort from each other. The three of them were once more linked as the boys' arms were touching, and the connection that the boys had noticed they had with the girl, felt stronger. Still not as strong as their own but they could somehow feel her, her energy, just like they could with each other. Lilas breathing hitched a little, telling the brothers that she too was feeling the intensity of their connection, and neither of them wanted to move, lest they disturb it. She had never felt anything like it before, but it was calming to her. It wasn't how she imagined it was for the brothers, she didn’t know what they were thinking or anything, but it was like she could just feel them. She made a mental note to ask Murphy about it all, wanting to know more about how their connection worked and knowing Connor wouldn't answer her as honestly, being the more guarded twin.

“He’ll tell ye about ye later after ye wake sweetheart.” Connor murmured into her hair. Lila tensed a little, eyes fluttering open as her hand stilled in Murphy's hair. She hadn't fucking said that out loud and it was slightly unsettling that he had known what she was thinking. She heard and felt Murphy snort against the skin on her neck, his hand tightening around her a little.

“Get outta her ‘ead brother, don’ think she’s ready for tha’ jus’ yet.” Murphy laughed lightly against her skin, sounding amused and sleepy all rolled into one, making his accent stronger. Connor made a noise of dissent in the back of his throat and placed a kiss to her shoulder, almost like an apology and Lila was still wondering how the fuck he had managed to read her damn mind. They weren't triplets. She could feel the boys, but she didn't know what was going on inside their heads, yet the boys seemed to have found a way to climb right into hers. She wondered if they needed a talk about boundaries. It was only early afternoon but they would all agree, they had deserved a fucking good nap, and that's exactly what they planned on doing.

Taglist; @risingphoenix761 @daryldixonandfrogs @arlaina28

[thefirecrackerme]

i guess, Hello?

To start with a cliché every begining is hard. I know, why on the Earth would I choose such an overused expression. Eh, I’m rumbling, forgive me. 

So, where should I start? 

I began all of this, for one reason: for once, I want to heal and place myself first before anything else in my life. Right now, I’m in a shady place, where my inner child is suffering and in pain, and my grown-ass woman self is full of anger and feeling betrayed. This is such a mindblowing experience for me, I never even knew about it - or knew, that this state I’m currently in is not healthy at all. 

To be honest with you, I’m attending therapy for many reasons. How to say it? I have a tendency to make deep and strong emotional connection with narcisstic people. I had many friends and boyfriends in my life who had this mental condition. But, it was the last narcisstic person in my life who just ruined my mental and spiritual stability. He was my ever first serious relationship. As it is in written in every textbook, he was charming and perfect, and interested in everything I did and planned. He was such a gentleman, and normal, he was esentially courting me. It was so nice and warm to feel it - finally. But even than, when we were just dating, I had this feeling, that he is just so strange, something really not okay with the way he is holding himself and behaving. I was so naive, and thirsty for love and attention that I disregarded my intuition, and let the flow go. I shouldn’t have. He was abusing me, my soulm my self-confidence, my everything, made me think I was at fault all the fucking time - he was keeping me in terror and anxiety. For almost one year. 

And when I was really in despair, and feeling really bad, I finally reached out to a psyhologist, and this was the best decision I ever made. 

First I thought that every problem of mine was linked to him. Then with more and more therapy session, I realized that many relatives of mine, and many bad friend- and relationships in my past hold the same pattern and sequence. I am attracted to people who can ruin me, who are narcissists. And why? I asked myself many times since the first therapy. Why I am so stupid? Why do I eat up every shit they are giving me? Why I am so hungry for that kind of attention? 

And, it was yesterdays session, when I asked my therapist, what do you think is my problem? Why am I not talking about how I feel, why do I try to explain everything that happened with rationality. Why am I obsessed with trying to rationalize his behaviour when I perfectly know that a narcissist only care about themself, and their insecurities which they project to others. 

Then my therapist said, that I don’t have concrete self-concept, my identity is not fully grown, I have parts - as every healthy people, mind you, but unlike them, mines are not interacting well or healthy at all. My identity has missing piecies, broken up and suffering of deficiencies. Just some symptomps: lack of control over my emotions (can’t handle anger, pain, caring and attention, etc.), I have problem with holding my attention - sometimes I’m just there, but don’t understand a word they are saying to me, like they are speaking in whole new language to me. 

I asked my therapist what to do to heal myself, to help my suffering inner child to grow up finally. My therapist said ‘First, you need to stop berating yourself for bad choices and events in your life. For weeks, the only thing I see is a ping-pong match - between your outer self and inner child. You try to convince yourself, that your anger is justified, your hurt is real, that what happened to you is terrible, that you worth it, and you are smart and talented, that you are happy. But not for once did you try to just calm yourself and say, everyhing is gonna be okay. Everybody knows what happened was not healthy or remotely okay, but with anger you will never get over it and let go of the past. You have to forgive him because he is suffering just as much as you, but firstly you have to forgive yourself for being weak and wanting to be loved. Everybody deserve forgivness. Of course, that doesn’t mean, that you have to accept him and every toxic person back to your life. But if you forgive them, you forgive yourself.’

It hurt me, to say the least, that I have to forgive. I never done that before, either out of childish pettiness, or because it was easier to be angry than anything else. 

I also realized, that I never talked to myself with kindness. Like I try hard to get even one memory out of my buzzing brain, when I was generous to myself, but no. 

So, I decided to open this blog, write my journey down - with all the failings and success I will have, and all the stories that led me here. And if I find likeminded people during my way to wholeness, that would be just more brownie points to my inner child towards adulthood. 

So, here we go sailing towards the sun. 

PS. Sorry for grammar mistakes, English is not my first language. 

[promiseiwillwrite]

Runs in the Family

When I was standing in the white sand on the shore of the Gulf of Mexico, watching some ping-pong ball sized sand crabs filter feeding in the surf at my feet, I asked myself what I came down here for.

I came because my father asked me to. I came because I wanted to unpack some of my own shit. I came because it is Florida, and I knew I could touch the water of the sea.

And while I was standing there I let the waves wash around my stupid crocks that I bought in the desert after my sandals gave out.

And I guess I wanted to let go of something. The energy was right for opening and letting go.

This man beat me when I was a child. He lifted me up, holding my right wrist in one hand and beat me with a leather belt wider than my ankle. I tucked my knees to my chest and hung there by my own arm until he couldn't hold me up anymore.

It happened many times.

He has re-written the narrative of my life so that this didn't happen.

My mother told me he was on BPD meds at the time, and that he would miss the highs, and go off the meds, and crash or black out after drinking.

He has painted my mother as entirely mad, and that she would leave us with babysitters all the time to go out partying, ostensibly under the justification that she was doing research for her thesis, which happened to revolve around interactions between local rock bands and their sound technicians. She also cheated on my father at least once.

He paints a picture of her that I cannot completely accept, because my own memory contains what seem to me to be contradictory experiences. I know I was very young, and that Memory is not unassailable, especially when trauma is involved.

But I am quite certain about the beating. There are too many other things that went along with it. Too much else that I recall like wearing long pants in summer and sweaters. The reaction when my mother pulled up my pant leg and saw the bruises. And being very afraid.

The waves washed over my feet.

Should I pay for an inheritance in advance by letting him have the illusion that I have forgiven him? He has a condo, and a car, and $175,000.00 that he is not spending for some reason that remains completely mysterious to me.

It is unkind, would be unspeakably cruel, in fact, to tell him a second time what I remember. I have told him before, when I went to see him years ago. And he poked his finger at me and told me my mother brainwashed me, and told me that happened.

In his mind, it was all her, lying.

But she was beaten too, according to her version of events. And she put up with it for a long time before he started in on us. And she divorced him after she saw the bruises.

But standing there, in the sand watching the little crabs flicking their little tentacles out into each ebbing wave, I wondered if there was a chance that people like him, even without owning his trespasses, could change.

I wondered that perhaps there was part of him, especially after apparently experiencing spouse abuse himself by his second wife, I wonder if the grief of what he had missed out on, and the pain he endured was penance enough.

And my own answer about human mistakes came back to me. I have to believe we all make mistakes. And even after hating Him, and hating myself and all my anger and rage and blame, I still, for my sake, I have to believe that repair exists. And I have to believe it is possible for people to change in order to believe that it's possible for me.

So I get to decide what to do. And I know I will never forgive him. A part of me will always hate a coward who cannot own what they have done wrong. But he knows. I don't know that he would be in so much obvious pain just talking about it. Maybe he's just a great actor.

Even so, I think I can still decide it is enough.

Is it enough that he has learned that you shouldn't hit women or children? Has he learned that, or does he just regret it? Is it enough that he has suffered knowing that not only did he miss out on me in his life, but that I hated and feared him? If he's putting on a show for me, I don't know what he expects to gain. Someone to handle his final affairs before he goes?

I have invested in my anger for him. It is a part of me that feels sure and justified. But now I also feel something else. I'm no Buddhist, but I swear this is what compassion must be like. Like I am allowed to have my anger for all the consequences his actions had for me, and at the same time to just not want him to die alone in a complete hell of his own making.

It seems like the two things shouldn't be able to stand together in the same room, let alone exist in the same space. And it seems like a far cry from the Love of a father and child.

I bent down to pick up the sand crab closest to my feet between the waves, and it vibrated its shell, making a sound like a hornet. In the time it took me to hesitate, it jumped out of its little hole just under the surface of the sand and was gone, washing into the next oncoming wave and out of sight before I could realize I had been tricked into hesitation by my own lizard brain.

I get to decide what I want. What will make me feel the best.

I get to know for sure that I will never know the real truth of what happened at that time in my life, because neither my Mother's version nor my Father's version of events can all be true.

Too much is omitted. Too much is incongruous. My own memories are likely untrustworthy.

So what do I want for this? And why do I want it?

There is no right answer.

But I am running out of time. Because neither of my parents will live forever.

And something inside me is ready to be done with suffering now because of things that happened 35 years ago. I don't have time to do that.

Because I learned some medical history on this trip too. My grandmother, and her mother both had alzheimer's disease, and were combative, and were completely catatonic before their deaths. I can be almost certain that this is in the cards for me too. My grandmother also apparently had bone cancer, and my dad has stroke and cardiopulmonary issues.

It is inevitable for me to lose my mind. And it makes me really salty to think I might be one of those ladies that dies in a nursing home with her arms shackled to the bed, and drool running down her chin.

I would rather have a stroke, actually, thanks.

I have to tie everything up in a bow on my own before I decline.

And I have to enjoy as much of this beautiful life as I can while I have time left.

So nuts to anything that doesn't support that.

One day, you will begin to do things for the last time.

And there is no path back

[local-idiot-heartbroken-blog]

08.10.2018: 2-0 + Dried Up Opportunities

For my third date with Taylor we went to the Golden Road Brewery and Laguna Beach. The ride situation was a little uncertain because on Fridays she gets off early (1pm). Before getting off work I texted her saying I can pick her up since she lives really close to the brewery. This was crucial because I wanted to take her to the beach and taking one car was most convenient. She agreed and things seemingly were shifting in my favor. One 40 minute drive later, I arrived at her house. I walked up to the door because I like old fashioned gestures like that and it felt right to do so. Taylor walked up to the door and my goodness she looked stunning.  It was either a dress or a romper (it’s hard to tell the difference); I could see why she chose it because it showcased her figure really well. When we started walking towards the car, I decided to do something that I’ve never done: I opened the car door for her. While this sounds silly, I actually have never done that for anyone in my 21 years of life. I can definitely say the gesture got easier the more I did it. After struggling to find parking for 20 minutes or so (thanks to the Angel’s game/who even watches baseball it’s boring af) we walked towards the brewery. I used that time to ask her what kind of beer she likes to drink because I needed to gauge her experience given that I have 0. Luckily for me, we were about the same experience level and had some suggestions for good beers from my coworkers. While we were walking in Taylor noted how the place was really lively and colorful. She seems to be easily entertained like me so I was happy she was enjoying the environment. We ordered two entrees and one appetizer to share. For the drinks I ordered a Hefeweizen (honestly wtf kind of name) and she ordered a Mango Cart (one of their most popular signature beers). The conversations this time around were a bit more serious, we talked about family and past relationships. I felt like these topics really determined compatibility between us.  Once we finished our food and drinks, we headed over to play ping pong because that’s the main reason we came (I challenged her through text and suggested we make a date out of it). When she said she was good, she definitely wasn’t bluffing. I lost 2-0 and the margin between our points was pretty bad (21-9 & 21-13). Although I hate losing in most cases, I was just happy that she was enjoying herself. I see some similarities between me and her: she’s withdrawn but also easily excitable, she laughs at the simplest things but also overthinks. After sweating out the alcohol over ping pong I told her we have another destination to go. I didn’t tell her where we were going because I wanted to surprise her. Thanks to the freeway signs she caught on pretty fast so she knew we were going to Laguna. The original location I wanted to go to was Victoria Beach, but it was blocked by private property. We walked around for about 15 minutes trying to see if there was an alternative route to get down there. There was no luck so we decided to walk towards the resort to see if there was any beach access. Once again luck was on our side because there was a pathway labeled ‘beach access’. We followed it until we hit the stairs leading toward the shore. I asked her if she wanted to sit on the sand because I brought towels for this very reason. She looked at me and said “we could sit on the sand orrrrrr we could sit on the lifeguard tower”. Objectively the lifeguard was the superior choice so we climbed onto it and settled in. The visuals were insane, part of the water was illuminated by a spotlight and the waves were crashing all around us. The beach we ended up at instead of Victoria Beach was called Treasure Island. It was more private and had a strange curve to it which created an illusion of it being an island. The 30-45 minutes we spent there, there was less conversation, but it also felt much more intimate. She noted that my anxiety was pretty bad because she could see how fidgety I was and my speech patterns. She told me to just enjoy the view and take it in (something I get quite often). After that I spoke less and instead focused my attention to the scenery. The cycle of the waves was really hypnotic and I really did feel more at ease. After a little bit of enjoying the view, she leaned her head onto my shoulder so I held her. Because of how close we were I could feel her breathing and heart rate. I can't really say whether that calmed me or gave me more to think about. It felt really nice sharing physical intimacy with someone because it’s been more than half a year since I’ve experienced it. Because she had to get up early the next day I told her we should probably head back to the car. She really didn’t want to leave the beach, so I knew then and there that I definitely did a good job with this date as well. On the drive home we held hands while she sang along to the songs on the radio (that typical almost end of the date type scene). To my dismay, the 55 was closed so I was forced to ride the toll road for about 2 miles. I exited the soonest I could, but once I took it we got flashed by the booth. We finally got back to her place after another 40 minute drive. This is where quite possibly my worst date mistake happened. She’s standing on the curb of the sidewalk and I’m on the street we are about eye level. I hug her tight to say bye, but I notice she’s a little jittery and I’m like what the heck. What comes out of her mouth next really shocked me. She said “you can try and kiss me now” and I was just so taken aback that I said something even more shocking than her. I fucking said “my lips are a little chapped, can I use some chapstick?” (WHO THE FUCK SAYS THAT?!). She laughed and said “nvm moment ruined” and I was trying to salvage the lost opportunity so I said “they’re not that chapped, how about just a peck?”. Holy shit, I was so embarrassed, she closed her eyes and nodded so I did it. I’m a true embarrassment to society. I scuffed that opportunity so hard, it seems even though the dates go smoothly I never finish strong. 2-0 describes how many L’s I’ve taken in ping pong and at the end of my dates. I feel bad she has to deal with my awkward and outspoken ass. If she somehow forgives this and gives me another chance I shall continue this chapter of my life as the local idiot heartbroken. 

[cancatervation]

favourite music 2017

The affording of enormous weight to barely concealed fragility and vulnerability; when I pore over the contents of my iTunes from the last twelve or so months it’s plainly apparent that this is the hill I’ve elected to die on. Almost all the albums I found myself infatuated with at some point or another in 2017 meditated upon desire, the transience of romance, and the anguish that often accompanies its pursuit.

I’m acutely aware of how oddly this contrasts with my own life, which for the past almost-two-years has been romantically fulfilling in the way that my previous 25 absolutely weren’t. On this, I would say two things. First, that stability is elusive even (maybe especially?) for the most outwardly rose-coloured of us, and that maintaining relationship hygge takes compromise and is not easy, and for those reasons feelings of vulnerability are never far from the front of my mind; and, second, that it’s testament to the skill of certain songwriters and performers that their work was able to make this gay-ass conventionalist really feel something every now and again last year.

I wouldn’t want to suggest that I only just worked out that the theatrical presentation of desire is something I’m drawn to, but certainly there were some things in the past year that I really did begin to understand. Theatricality is often used in a critical sense as pejorative; something that is too extra, that goes too far, that is all tell and no show. Despite its predisposition towards excess, musical theatre has, for instance, always played out as sterile and spurious to me. (Sorry. And look at it this way, you don’t ever need to worry about getting me tickets to Hamilton). It’s so dramatic that it becomes too dramatic; your self-awareness isn’t allowed the chance to be suspended, even for a moment. An album like Lorde’s Melodrama makes its intentions apparent before you’ve even heard a note of it, but its theatrics (and there are many - think of the wailed chorus of “Writer In The Dark”, the gory car crash of “Homemade Dynamite”, the bridge in “Supercut” that accelerates like you’re on a bike rushing down a hill) are as easily consumed by sitting silently in tears as they are dancing, or walking, or lifting heavy weights, or running up a hill (to make or not to make a deal with God), or lying in blissful supta baddha konasana. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that hyperemotional vulnerability is for all seasons and for all hours of the day and I am now happy to welcome it into every aspect of my life.

I wrote over fifty blurbs for various songs on the Singles Jukebox last year. Some I loved, some I hated, what’s new. I wrote a blurb for “Praying”, Kesha’s first solo single in nearly five years, which turned out to be both the highest scoring song on the site for 2017 and the champion of my personal “list”. I sort of said all this already on the Jukebox, but my love for “Praying” lies nearly entirely in the way Kesha leans so heavily into her aphorisms, finding new ways to bring profundity to ostensibly simple lines like “I’m proud of who I am”. (Contrast this with most of Taylor Swift’s 2017 work, which forewent specific detail in favour of portentously loaded maxim, but forgot about nuance and came up mostly dry). When Kesha punctuates her sermon with a thunderous kick drum, it’s basically game over. As the stories of survivors of sexual assault, abuse and harassment began to dominate news media in the second half of the year, the song only gathered further resonance.  

Lorde’s album held court as my favourite for most of the year. A promo image released by Kelela at the beginning of August threatened a coup. The odds shortened a few days later upon the release of its lead single and the arrival of the full album at the beginning of October marked the tangible takeover. Take Me Apart is all juxtaposition, which when applied to albums is often code for jumbled quagmire, but here there’s too much attention to detail, steadfastness of narrative, and, er, feeling, to get mixed up in anything like that. It see-saws between playful flirting, introspection, self-acceptance, control, loss of control, falling slowly through the sky, and falling fast through the abyss. I love it so much. It’s also very queer and very Black. Support Black queer art! Especially when it’s this well crafted.

Aside from all THAT, my favourite things in music last year were Moses Sumney’s Tiny Desk Concert, attending the Lorde show in the Botanic Gardens,  the line “every single day I fight another war; every single night I feel more powerful!” in Rina Sawayama’s “Take Me As I Am”, and Rihanna telling Diplo his music sounded like a “a reggae song at an airport”.

My ten favourite songs of 2017 were:

1. Kesha “Praying” - as above and here;

2. Lorde “Green Light” - see here. The score given, however, is wrong. Add another point.

3. Sigrid “Strangers” - see here. I can’t wait until she’s everywhere and everyone knows her; her potential to me scans as “unlimited / infinite / fucking enormous, if it must be quantifiable”.

4. MUNA “I Know a Place”. The album version is acceptable but I’m also partial to this live one, which involves some changes to the lyrics.

5. Tove Lo “Disco Tits”. Like a wonky, filthy Kylie B-side played underwater.

6. Kelela “Turn To Dust”. Refer also to the first set of songs below. She didn’t play this at her concert this week, which is lucky, because otherwise its title may have proved prophetic.

7. Nilüfer Yanya “Baby Luv” - see here. See also dirgey diatribe above re: vulnerability.

8. Rae Morris “Do It” - I’ve become more and more besotted with this as time has passed and am not sure whether I’m most impressed by a) the wordplay b) the ping-ponging percussion in the second verse c) the subtle yet giant switch-up halfway through d) the soaring vocals or e) managing all of the above in less than 3 and a half minutes.

9. Rina Sawayama “Alterlife” - it did not take me long to request for lamination of a stan card for a popstar who loves key changes and here deftly incorporates influences as diverse as the Need For Speed soundtrack, Samantha Mumba and Madonna at her glassiest.

10. Tove Styrke “Mistakes” - see here. I’m ready for her to run away with 2018, in or out of a wedding dress.

Aside from those, here are some other songs I enjoyed in 2017, variously categorised and (with the “top 10″) collected in a Spotify playlist, located here:

Songs that can make you feel like you’re floating slowly heavenward

Björk “Arisen My Senses”

Charli XCX “Track 10”

Julie Byrne “Natural Blue”

Julien Baker “Appointments”

Moses Sumney “Quarrel”

Rae Morris “Do It (Nico Muhly Dance Remix)”

Sampha “(No One Knows Me) Like The Piano”

Sevdaliza “Loves Way”

Slowdive “Slomo”

St. Vincent “Slow Disco”

Susanne Sundfør “Undercover”

Dance music that I barely pay any attention to throughout the calendar year and then become unusually enthusiastic about come end-of-year-list season

Bicep “Vale”

Gerd Janson x Shan "Surrender”

Honey Dijon “Catch The Beat”

Jad & The “Strings That Never Win”

Kink “Perth”

Minor Science “Volumes”

Octo Octa “Adrift (Avalon Emerson’s Furiously Awake Version)”

Shanti Celeste “Make Time”

SW. “Untitled B2”

The xx “On Hold (Jamie xx Remix)”

Yaeji “Raingurl”

Songs for the summer gloaming

Charlotte Day Wilson “Doubt”

Daniel Caesar “Blessed”

Frank Ocean “Chanel”

Jessie Ware “Stay Awake, Wait For Me”

Ladi6 “Guru”

Rachel Foxx “Happen To Me”

Sampa The Great “Bye River”

Sevyn Streeter “Before I Do”

Syd “Body”

Tyler, The Creator “Garden Shed feat. Estelle”

Plaintive songs for grey afternoon walks

Alvvays “Dreams Tonite”

Amandla Stenberg “Let My Baby Stay”

HAIM “You Never Knew”

Kehlani “Advice”

Khalid “Winter”

Lana Del Rey “Love”

Laura Marling “Next Time”

Paramore “Forgiveness”

Perfume Genius “Die 4 You”

St. Vincent “Happy Birthday, Johnny”

SZA “Prom”

Taylor Swift “New Year’s Day”

Best bangers

Amber Mark “Heatwave”

Charli XCX “Lipgloss feat. Cupcakke”

Charli XCX “Porsche feat. MØ”

Charlotte Gainsbourg “Deadly Valentine”

Charly Bliss “Glitter”

Drake “Get It Together feat. Jorja Smith & Black Coffee”

Dua Lipa “New Rules”

Haiku Hands “Not About You”

Ibibio Sound Machine “Give Me A Reason”

ionnalee “Samaritan”

J. Balvin x Willy William “Mi Gente feat. Beyoncé”

J. Hus “Did You See”

Jessie Ware “Your Domino”

Jorja Smith x Preditah “On My Mind”

Kah-Lo “Fasta”

Kelela “Truth Or Dare”

Kendrick Lamar “LOYALTY. feat. Rihanna”

Kllo “Last Yearn”

Leikeli47 “Miss Me”

Lorde “Sober”

Maliibu Miitch “4AM”

Miguel “Banana Clip”

Nite Jewel “2 Good 2 Be True”

Paramore “Hard Times”

Phoenix “J-Boy”

Rina Sawayama “Take Me As I Am”

Ronika “Better Than Ever”

Rose Elinor Dougall “All At Once”

Sigrid “Don’t Kill My Vibe”

Stormzy “Big For Your Boots”

The Horrors “Something To Remember Me By”

Tove Lo “Shedontknowbutsheknows”

Whethan “love gang feat. Charli XCX”

Wolf Alice “Don’t Delete The Kisses”

Finally, here are thirty albums I loved last year. Onwards and upwards!

1. Kelela Take Me Apart

2. Lorde Melodrama

3. SZA Ctrl

4. Fever Ray Plunge

5. Charly Bliss Guppy

6. Wolf Alice Visions Of A Life

7. Rina Sawayama RINA

8. Jessie Ware Glasshouse

9. Tove Lo Blue Lips

10. Charli XCX Pop 2

11. MUNA about u

12. Moses Sumney Aromanticism

13. Sevdaliza ISON

14. St Vincent MASSEDUCTION

15. Susanne Sundfør Music For People In Trouble

16. Ibeyi Ash

17. Sampa The Great Birds & The Bee9

18. Kink Playground

19. Daniel Caesar Freudian

20. Bicep Bicep

21. Sophia Kennedy - Sophia Kennedy

22. Miguel War & Leisure

23. Laura Marling Semper Femina

24. Ibibio Sound Machine Uyai

25. Jen Cloher Jen Cloher

26. Dua Lipa Dua Lipa

27. The xx I See You

28. Honey Dijon The Best Of Both Worlds

29. Kesha Rainbow

30. Leikeli47 Wash & Set

[thisoneforthemcurls]

Doctor Styles|Part 3

Tell me what you think! MWAH!

If you missed it: Part 1 | Part 2

“HE is CLEARLY incapable of being a doctor in our hospital. I want him OUT right away!”

You had officially spent an entire week with Dr. Styles, and when you think about it, it probably would be considered your worst week in your entire life. Every night you would come home exhausted, all while being angry and dreading the next day at the hospital. Your week consisted of him spilling a patient’s food on Monday. Bumping into you on “accident”, making you drop the blood samples of a few cancer patients, thus having to draw more blood from them on Tuesday. Dropping and mixing patients’ paperwork and files on Wednesday. Spilling his lunch on you don’t even ask how that happened, on Thursday. Oh, and Friday is possibly your favorite, spilling urine samples on you. Disgusting.Not to mention the endless amounts of questions, the boy asks. Is he stupid or is he stupid. Where the hell did he get his medical degree from, cause the board definitely made a mistake of letting him graduate. Oi, just thinking about him gives me a headache.

You were officially done. Done with his bullshit. You were currently debating if it was professional of you to barge into Dr. Hyman’s office, unannounced. But after about 0.3 seconds of debating you realized that you were fed up. You burst through the door, your anger raging through you like that moment just before a volcano is about to erupt.

“Dr.Hyman! I DEMAND to speak with you at this very moment!” He jumped in his seat as the door banged against the wall due to the swing of your arm. His eyes filled with concern once he saw the look of displeasure and exasperation in your eyes. Usually your brown eyes glimmered with pride and satisfaction, but he has never once seen you in such a mood.

“Ah, Dr.Maya, I wasn’t expecting to see you in my office today. H-How can I help you?” still a bit awestruck with your current temper. At this point you were pacing back and forth, corner to corner. Feeling anxious perhaps, and a bit bewildered. You stopped and turned to face him, arms crossed, foot tapping against the white tiled floors, your common stance when you’re feeling attacked.

“I want HIM out,” you said, breathing deeply in and out, like it was hard for you to mutter such words. You were not the type of person to ever complain, but this…oh…THIS you could not handle.

He takes his glasses off, “Maya, why don’t you take a sea-”

You cut him off, “NO I am NOT taking a seat.” Now you were acting like a brat, but at that moment you really did not care. You were pissed, and he could tell this anger of yours has built up over time. He sighed. “Okay well why don’t you try to be a little bit clearer? Who do you want out exactly? And why? Did this person not follow an employment policy?” You were trying to be as respectful as you possibly could, but at this second you felt like you were on fire. How incompetent could he be to not notice about whom you were clearly talking?

“Dr.Hyman, not to be rude, but are you serious right now? Dr.Styes! Who else would I be talking about? HE is CLEARLY incapable of being a doctor in our hospital. I want him OUT right away,” you finally sat down, reaching eye level, laying your clasped hands on the desk.

“Oh Maya, I don’t believe we could arrange that. More importantly, what did Dr.Styles do exactly to upset you this much?” SLAM! Your hand slams against his desk, hard, leaving an echoed slam ringing in all four ears, and you bolt upright. He winces. “Maya, I need you to calm down and explain what is wrong. We are in a hospital. I don’t need more people upset than there already are.” He says through gritted teeth. He was right; you were in a hospital, but your emotions were taking a toll on you, a major toll.

“Excuse me for my loud outburst, but I cannot work in these conditions. What did he do, you may ask? It’s what he DIDN’T do. Asking questions left and right. Getting in my way. Crossing MY personal space.” You took a breather, sitting back down, and clasping your hands again, thus an idea struck you. “How about we….we compromise? We could move him to another unit perhaps? Or even better help him find a new hospital to work at? I know a great clinic about 30 minut-”

He put his hand to your face. “Maya! Stop! We are not moving Dr.Styles to a new unit and certainly not a new hospital. He is one of best cancer care doctors, and is fairly new to our community. He was recommended by many of my colleagues so I think you better give him another chance.”

Oh, no! You were NOT done here, not even close!

“But, BUT-” You were going to make another argument when Dr.Hyman interrupted your soon-to-be speech, feeling fed up with your attitude.

“No BUTS. You are a doctor, Maya, and a hell of a good one. Dr. Styles is new around these parts; of course he will ask questions. I think you need to give him another chance. There is more that meets the eye than you think.” Feeling defeated, you let out a sigh, and your eyes wander around the room, everywhere expect Dr. Hyman’s face. You knew he was disappointed in you, and yet you were also somewhat disappointed in yourself. This was not you. After what felt like minutes, but merely seconds, you stood up, head hanging low.

“I am sorry, for… for this.” you mummer, feeling half ashamed and embarrassed. Tears pricking your eyes. As you get up to leave the situation you just have created for yourself, he calls back to you.

“Wait Maya we can fi-” But it was too late; you were already out the door, closing it behind you, lightly this time around. You put yourself back together as you rounded the corner, bumping into someone in the process of not looking where you were going.

You look at your shoes and pick at your fingernails, bare of any polish. Not wanting to face the person in your state of mind, you turn around to apologize. “S-sorry I-I wa-wasn’t  l-looking w-where I-I wa-was go-going.” you mumble. “Maya, are you alright?” you recognized that voice, though you’d only heard it a handful of times. You peer up to at him. You straighten yourself out and clear your throat.

“Dr. Styles, Good Morning. We should, uh, get to work.” You quickly whip around, walking back to your unit, shoes clinking against the tiled floors echoing in the barren hallways that are normally filled with noise bouncing back and forth against the walls from the high stress energy. Leaving Dr.Styles standing there confused and a bit shocked. You looked back over your shoulder to check if he was following you. But he wasn’t. Again.

“Take a picture. It’ll last longer, Styles,” you called out, holding your ground.

With that you turn back around, walking into your office; this time with Dr.Styles in tow. You hurried your pace back to your unit. Having a few moments to yourself, you wiped your stray tears away, staring at the files on the counter, deep in thought. Why were you acting like this? Why? A few more tears escaped your deep brown eyes, leaving them a bit swollen. You were so consumed with your thoughts, you had not noticed that Dr.Styles walked in and called your name. You jumped when you felt an unfamiliar hand on your shoulder.

“Sorry Maya. Didn’t mean to scare you,” Dr. Styles spoke softly. You peered up into his dark green eyes. He looked sincere, almost apologetic. Why was he apologetic? Your eyes wander around his face, trying to figure what was so different about him to made you act out in such a way. There was something about him, something that made you want to give him another chance. Staring at his eyes, they pulled you,  “It-It’s okay. I forgive you. I just, umm, I just want-wanted to say umm… I am sorry.” You winced at the words, great. You sound so awkward, Maya. “We kinda got off on a bad foot. And I think, ummm…,” you swallowed a dry lump in your throat, “umm, we should start over. I am really sorry.” And with that you looked down at your feet, not daring to look back into those eyes that you would get lost in for days if you could.

What happened next you did not expect. You hadn’t heard any response to your apology, just him breathing. You balled your fists, what an asshole, you just said sorry why can’t h- your thoughts were cut off when you felt a strong pair of arms wrap around your lower back, and pulling you close into his chest. You breath hitched. But you relaxed underneath his touch, with him rubbing soothing circles on your back. Tears spilled out of your eyes for the third time that day, soaking his scrubs a little, damn. You were so emotional.

Just as he caught you off guard, you did the same when your wrapped your arms around his waist pulling him closer and laying your head on his heart, allowing you to hear his heartbeat. You could’ve swore it was racing, but you dismissed that thought. He moved his arm up to hold your head, soothing down your hair. “Of course we can, love, of course we can.” His voice was sweet like honey, soft and sweet. You hugged him tighter in response, nuzzling your head into his chest, taking in his lovely aroma.

You broke away from him, meeting his eyes with yours. “And, love you can call me Harry, s’alright.” he said with a little smirk. You smile at him, your eyes ping ponging around his face. Your heart flutters, as he stares at your currently flushed face. Why the heck is your heart dropping to your stomach and is it just you or is getting hot in here? “I...umm… oka-okay.s-sure, Harry…” Feeling embarrassed you look down at the floor, taking in the title details, trying to focus on anything else other than the feeling of his arms around your lower back, which was in fact near your bum. And that did things to you, things that you were unsure of, but you wanted to explore more. What is going on with you?

“Dr. Maya here are some fil-. WOAH!” The two of you jumped apart, not expecting someone to walk in. Uh oh. “What - wait no it’s not what it looks like, I swear. Ummm uhhhh ummm….” you cough. You sneak a glance at Harry, noticing he is staring right at the nurse, not showing any sign of embarrassment of being caught. Weird. Looking back at the nurse, she speaks up. “Ummm…. Here are the files you asked for yesterday….I am just going to uhhhh go now. Have a good day.” And with that she flees the room. You turn to look back at Harry, your face turning red, from embarrassment.

“Umm we should uh probably get to work…...shouldn’t umm we, you know ahah patients to see, people to cure….all of that pizazz.” You grab a few files that the nurse left on the counter, leaving a few behind for Harry to grab as well, as you wait for him by the door so the two of you could walk together to the first patient on your agenda of afternoon.

Room 421B. Cassandra. 9. Diagnosis: Leukemia.

You knocked on the door and peered inside. There she was, the little ball of sunshine you have become so fond with; lying in bed with wires attached all around her, beeping and bopping. She perked up when she saw you, already lifting her mood 10 times higher.

“Mrs. Maya! You’re back! Oh my gosh! Yay! I’ve missed you. And you’re wearing minion scrubs! My favorite,” Indeed it was her favorite, along with a fair share of others.

“Cass, it’s good to see you again, cutie, and how are we feeling today?” you said, pinching her cheeks and giving her forehead a little kiss.

“Really good actually, cause Mama and Daddy gave me some medicine and then for lunch I had some really good juice and food…” and so she began to ramble about her day with you listening very intently but she gets distracted and stops. “umm, Mrs. Maya who’s that over there?” she asked pointing her little finger at the lanky man.

“Ahh well that there is Harr-I mean Dr. Styles. He is a new doctor in this unit. Isn’t that exciting? He is here to help you, Cass. A new friend of yours. Come on say hello. Don’t be shy.”

She grins, showing her teeth. And sticking her palm out, she gives him a big wave.

“Well hi there, pretty, pretty princess, I am so glad you are feeling good. You can call me Harry okay? Come on, give your best friend a big old hug.” And she did. You gasped. “Ohhh, no. Cass, I thought I was your best friend.”

“Don’t be silly, Mrs. Maya, both of you are my best friend.” she giggled. What a sweet little angel she is.

“Aww we love you Cass,” Harry said while booping her nose. You would never know this was the same man that tortured you last week. The same man that is standing in front of you, doing so well with children. Most children don’t warm up to other doctors; they liked you and only you, plus your colorful scrubs. You knew at that very moment there was something about him that intrigued you, that made you feel a way that you never felt before. You were confused, scared even, your heart racing a mile a minute. Why were you hands clammy, and why do you get lost in his damn green eyes? Whatever it was you kinda liked it, and you wanted more.

A/N: I hope you all like it and i would love you hear what you guys think! MWAH! Thanks for reading everyone I lava you. xoxox S. 

[shipme]

Ships for @namjoonismybias

Request: I do not mind what admin💕 could I please have a BTS and Big Bang platonic ship? 

I am 5'3 with a curvy build, I have light brown hair and green eyes, I am clumsy and I get distracted easily, I love to read, write, game, and draw. I like anime and I tend to get jealous and angry easily but I am actually pretty sensitive. I am a Slytherin😂 I get flustered easily, I have a ‘unique’ personality which means I have lots of questions to ask and thoughts to share. I don’t care if people think I’m “weird” or “abnormal” because I am tbh😂 I enjoy sports like dodge ball, tennis, ping pong, football and rounders. I actually hate running😂 I’m competitive and I hate to lose. I’m good at French (I recently did my mock exams and French was my highest grade) i enjoy learning. I find it difficult making new friends but I have sown friends that help me overcome that. I can go from a smol helpless bean to someone who will bite your hand of in 0.001 seconds😂 people often misunderstand me and think I am cold and rude but I’m honestly like a marshmallow on the inside.

Hi again, it’s so nice to see you another time! We hope you will enjoy reading your platonic ships, that’s my first time writing this -admin Whiger talking!  It’s shorter than the romantic ships, I hope it’s okay with you?) 

BTS ship

His reaction when he sees you’re once again in a difficult situation because of your clumsiness

I think your closest friend in BTS would be Namjoon (You finally had your bias, it was around time we shipped you with him ^^) Namjoon would certainly not be impressed with your attitude, he is the leader and is used to deal with others, he will certainly try to get to know you better without forcing you to open-up to him, just letting you take your own time -even if I can see him proposing you some activities with the whole group so you can adjust to them easily. He also is someone patient and has a lot of knowledge so whenever you ask a question, he will certainly have an answer ready for you. He is also really curious so if you ask something that he doesn’t know, expect to have a detailed explanation a few days after, once he has made some research about it. You both are clumsy persons and you would certainly find yourselves in strange situations that happen to absolutely no one but you, you would be absolute laugh generator when you two are together -it’s like you both are doomed to lose or break something. Well, BTS members would laugh until the moment one of you made a movement and accidentally dropped your phone and took it back with the screen shattered. After this wonderful event, they would be a little bit more on their guards and will certainly never let any of you two near their fragile belongings. As you are someone sensitive, it may hurt your feelings to always be teased by some members (for breaking things or being in your own world) and you might once get angry to them for always being targeted -even if you know they don’t mean to be mean, it’s not a situation you really like. Once you snapped back, you will certainly storm out of the room, still angry and a slight bit ashamed at yourself because you know you overreacted -not that you care that much in the moment. Namjoon wouldn’t wait a second before having a conversation with the group to explain your reasons and the fact that you were really sensitive -even if you didn’t show it that much. Everyone would then try their best to get you to forgive them -some apologising and others showing that they were regretful through actions rather than words (I think Jimin and Jungkook would be incredibly nervous near you because they never intended to hurt you and they would be the ones most beating themselves up, Jimin especially because he didn’t even realise who you were going through). The awkward atmosphere would be dissipated one night when you’d went to their dorms but Namjoon was still working in his room so you would have gone in the living room only to find Jin immersed in a Mario Kart game: you would watch him until he offered you to play and then, you would be so engrossed in the game -and the fact that you want to win- that you wouldn’t see the time pass. Soon, Jungkook would take Jin place as said person would have gone to prepare dinner and you would only stop when Jin told everyone that dinner was ready. You hadn’t realized it was so late and would certainly rush to go back home only to be interrupted by Hoseok offering you to stay and eat here with a beaming smile. By the end of the dinner, you would have gotten closer to everyone again. When you finally decided to go back home, Namjoon would absolutely to let you go out during the night on your own and would wait with you outside for your taxi.

Big Bang ship

I think someone like T.O.P would be a good addition to your friend group. His closed off nature would probably be a problem for you two at first as you aren’t one to go and open-up easily but on certain occasion, you will have no other choice the chance to talk to him and you both would be quite surprised when you get to know each other better (T.OP would certainly take interest in your drawings as he is passionate by arts). I can totally see you two passing nights reading in calm or just sharing some ideas and concepts about random ideas and subjects. T.O.P would admire your capacity to question everything and to ask your questions openly and not give a damn about the others even if what you asked seemed abstract, he would find it comforting that someone would also think outside the box -you two can share opinions about things the others would certainly qualify « strange » without having a problem with it. If you tend to get easily overcome with emotions, T.O.P would always be willing to listen to you and would always give you his all attention: he himself has his personal struggles and hearing about others insecurities might make him realise that everyone faces problems at one point in his life, giving him reassurance and a little bit of confidence to confide in you. You both would be quite protective of each other after learning so much about each other insecurities. T.O.P is the kind of friend that will stay stoic if someone attacks him personally but I can see him getting defensive whenever you’re exposed. He would stay calm and collected but his aura would become menacing, making the whole mood change and forcing whoever was about to hurt you to stop. In return, you would be the kind of friend to instantly step up for T.O.P as he doesn’t defend himself: your ability to change personality fast would certainly surprise everyone -including T.O.P- but it will only be stimulated by your marshmallow side that just want to protect your friend. Some persons would certainly mistake your relationship for being romantic as you care for each other a lot but nor you or T.O.P would really care about the rumors as you both know the truth. As he is a really creative and mature person, you would also be able to learn a lot from him and his past experiences, he will learn to open-up a bit more and trust other persons than his members with you by his side. Finally, you could certainly help him when he decides to write a song with French words and sentences (it was so cringy listening to Baby Good Night!)

Well, that was the first time I wrote platonic ships, I’m really sorry because they really are short… As as you’re good at French: « Merci beaucoup d’avoir changé ta description pour ce ship, c’est plus facile pour nous d’écrire un platonic avec une description différente 💙 » Thank you again for requesting a ship from us, we wish you the best and hope you spend a good day!