#also no one try to justify that choice to me
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Levi never Glorified Violence and Never needed to be Taught a Lesson that Violence is Wrong:
Nothing makes me want to rip my hair out more than when I see clowns saying Levi was "blinded by revenge" over wanting to kill Zeke, that he was "too violent", and that's why he got blown up by the thunderspear.
It's such a deeply, fundamentally WRONG understanding of why Levi wanted to kill Zeke, and also, of why he ended up getting blown up. I've already spoken about the strategically sound reasoning behind Levi's actions, which you can read here, if you're interested: https://www.tumblr.com/cosmicjoke/746918499422781440?source=share But to summarize, Levi hooking Zeke to the thunderspear made perfect, logical sense within the context of Zeke's own actions and behavior up to that point. Zeke was someone who until then had engaged in tactics of deception and double-crosses, who had only killed others while at a safe distance and within the cocoon of his Titan form. Decidedly the actions and behavior of a coward. Levi had no, good cause to suspect Zeke would be willing to blow himself up to also take Levi out, and so his reasoning that the thunderspear would act as insurance against Zeke escaping while Levi was preoccupied with driving the cart back to the capital was a reasonable and logical conclusion for him to make. It wasn't a decision blinded by rage or an action taken in hast. Just like it was reasonable for Zeke to assume Levi would rather die than cut down his own comrades, because he knew of Levi's compassion. Both of them underestimated each other, and both of them paid for making assumptions about the other.
But further to the point, this whole idea that Levi was being "punished" for his violence is the stupidest shit I've ever seen. Because it basically posits that Levi glorified violence, and so needed to be "taught a lesson" that violence was wrong, when he's the one character in the story who NEVER did that. He never reveled in violence, he never tried to frame it as something good or desirable, or even tried to justify it. He always spoke about and treated violence for what it was, a means to an end and nothing more. He never tried to moralize it or excuse it. He was always completely objective about it.
Compare, for example, the matter of fact way Levi explains violence and killing to Armin and Jean, versus how Zeke frames his own actions of violence. Zeke calls his murder of people a "mercy". He frames it as a positive action which results in a positive, better outcome. He has a totally warped view of killing and violence because he tries to justify it and moralize it to himself and others. He tries to frame his violence as something which makes him a hero. Levi does no such thing. He tells Jean and Armin that he doesn't know if it's right or wrong to kill, only that if Armin hadn't killed that MP, they would all be dead, and that Armin can't go back to the person he was, because he's now taken human life. He isn't justifying it, or moralizing it, he isn't trying to spin it into something positive or good, or even into something bad or wrong. He's simply stating an objective truth and then telling the 104th that they need to make their own choice about what they believe is right and wrong in any, given situation.
Or compare the way Levi approaches torturing Sannes to how Hange does. Hange goes into that situation gung-ho at the idea of torturing Sannes, because she wants revenge on him for killing Pastor Nick. She thinks she'll enjoy torturing Sannes, and attempts to enjoy it by taking it to an extreme, only to realize she's getting no satisfaction at all from her cruelty. By comparison, Levi never does or even attempts to take pleasure in the act of torture. He approaches it as a means to an end, something he has to do in order to obtain the information they need to overthrow the current government. There's no justification in his mind, no excuse he tells himself to make himself feel better about it. He already knows it's horrible and ugly. He already understands perfectly the wretched reality of violence. Again, he's the ONLY character in the story who does, from start to finish. It's why Hange is so rattled and upset after torturing Sannes, because she thought it would be fun, only to learn it was anything but. Levi never thought it would be fun, he never expected it to be, never wanted it to be, and he never tried to convince himself that it was anything better than what it actually was. It's why we see his shocked expression when Hange engages in unnecessary cruelty by ripping one of Sannes' teeth out. He's always been the most objective character when it comes to violence. He's never labored under any belief that his violence made him a hero, and he never tried to glorify violence to anyone or told them they were heroes for killing.
It's also why Yelena says to him what she does, during the final arc, and the battle at the docks. Because she knows that he knows, better than anyone, the inherent violence of the human condition and the ugly reality of it. Yelena is trying to again push her fanatical belief in Zeke's antinatalist philosophy, by pointing out that people are always going to kill and be cruel to each other, and she makes the point to Levi specifically, because she knows Levi is the only one who'd already long ago understood and accepted that truth.
So this idea that Levi is this ultra-violent, revenge-obsessed lunatic that needs to be taught that "violence is bad" is fucking moronic, and I am SICK TO DEATH of seeing people perpetuate that bullshit take. I want to tell everyone who does to just shut the fuck up already, because they're actively damaging the perception people have of Levi's character every time they spew that garbage.
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You said once Hotd lacks heart. What you mean by that?
In Game of Thrones, the main thread, the heart of it, was the Starks relationship. You liking it or not. And that doesn't necessarily make them the main characters either. But that family love for each other is what compelled a lot of people to watch it. And was the most pure thing about the show, so you connected with it, and feel their pain. And that what brought the normies to the table.
In Hotd this is supposedly to be Alicent and Rhaenyra. They even copy the blueprint of it by establishing in episode 1 their bond and from there things go south . The thing is. This relationship is not justified enough. And what I mean by that is, when you look for what they are trying to tell with this dinamic like Sarah said in recent interview, Alicent could never forget Rhaenyra or some shit like that. Because she was her best friend in their childhood. I was thinking like, why tho? Really? I doubt 🧐
They failed in my opinion to stablish this dinamic to be this powerful thread that connects the show. They don't are not a cosmic connection that would challenge the very blood connections they have and question their Ideologies.
That is what they want you to believe that this friendship of years ago was so powerful that make their hearts constantly in conflict. But nothing that was show to us on those yearly episodes make me believe was that a strong connection.
Like a silly moment of Rhaenyra tearing the book for Alicent, It was supposed to be this friendship powerful moment that years later make Rhaenyra think on the possibility of throwing her claim away? Do you know how insanely ridiculous that sounds?
Keep in constant, what this moment is supposedly to be emulating. Jon giving Arya needles. That moment was so powerful for her because, of some many aspects. But one of them is because the present is deeply connected with her wants and needs and show how much Jon knows her and loves and accept her for what she is.
"Sansa can keep her sewing needles, I've got a needle of my own."
And then of course, is given by Jon before he goes to the wall. Is farewell gift, one of the few, really happy moments she had before everyone go south. And so makes sense this very weapon becomes the manifestation of these characters she lost.
"Needle was Robb and Bran and Rickon, her mother and her father, even Sansa. Needle was Winterfell's grey walls, and the laughter of its people. Needle was the summer snows, Old Nan's stories, the heart tree with its red leaves and scary face, the warm earthy smell of the glass gardens, the sound of the north wind rattling the shutters of her room. Needle was Jon Snow's smile.”
What take a page out of a book has the same deep? What exactly represents? The freedom of acting like spoiled girls that can tear books apart and laugh about it with no consequence? Because if so, is not rooted on the relationship in it self. But freedom they had.
Every other relationship here is deeply fuck up so it can't be the heart of it. And they even take from the most pure relationship and repurposed to them to valid them. Like exemple they taking Maelor out, taking away Heleana's "Sophie's Choice" and giving to Alicent and Rhaenyra. Making Alicent ultimately choosing sacrifice her son to Rhaenyra. Something she didn't for her son when Otto himself said it was a sacrifice they need to do to save Aegon in episode 9 of the first season. And that is a wormhole of inconstancy by it self that I will not talk about here.
So that all reasons I mean by the show have no heart. Also this is enough reason to make believe the show end will suck. Because at end they will not even have that thread they stablish the show around it. So the likelihood this will fall apart at end will be big.
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I think perhaps the queer couple shouldn't keep Nico's children as pets regardless of what their species is.
#riordanverse#tsats#spoilers#the sun and the star#solangelo#nynico#rick i am criticizing you#someone tell me what i read was a lie#someone tell me i didnt actually read that in print#someone tell me this isnt the real book and we're all being pranked#also no one try to justify that choice to me#i dont care if nyx literally welped a litter of kittens#those are their children they're introduced as Nico's children to the readers and to Nico#as we all know just because it looks like a monster doesnt mean it isn't a person (tyson elle grover juniper etc etc)#I'm still hoping i read this wrong because wow what a choice
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not enough discussion about the gavins' complicated relationship with feminine-coded/beauty products, i don't think.
#for klavier because it's not as direct it's about how we never see him actually wearing lipstick? even though apollo literally attends#a concert of his which is where you'd most expect him to wear makeup. but apparently he just doesnt. or at least not in public#klavier gavin#kristoph gavin#i feel like there are several ways you can read into it. the misogyny/toxic masculinity one is really obvious clearly with kristoph's#singling out of men specifically and klavier's (probably accidental?) condescending manner of calling women 'fraulein' plus his general#mildly patronising attitude towards many of the women in the game (also probably unintentional)#(i think he's trying to be charming and it's coming off wrong to some of them. like ema. and me.)#but i feel like there's also maybe an element of... inherent perfecfionism to it? like both of these products are conventionally beautifyin#products and kristoph while he is open to showing people he uses nail polish specifically chooses one that's clear and missable unless you#see him apply it. he also feels the need to justify his use of it and specifically spell it out as something he chooses to do rather than#needs to do even though duh. that should be obvious.#idk there's just something about his seeming need to take control of that narrative that i find interesting. his need to spin it into a#'there's nothing wrong with my nails but I had the foresight to see that even the smallest parts of my appearance should be kept immaculate#and it's a choice i'm making to refine an already adequate part of my personage /not/ to cover some unsightly defect.' the need to emphasis#that specifically is so. hm. and with klavier i could see it being a case of him liking makeup liking the pops of colour yet being unwillin#to admit to it because he's afraid that other people might see it as him being dissatisfied with his own appearance regardless of if he is#or isn't. or even just perceiving colourful makeup as being unseemly because it's so overt and unnatural.#like i can see this as them both viewing 'real' beauty to be that which is inherent to a person and seemingly effortless#thus somehow negating the beauty which one achieves through cosmetics or other external means.#and if you want to use external means to achieve beauty or neatness or whatever then your only valid options are those which blend into you#natural state. like clear nail polish. or really awful spray tan.#i feel like klavier's less confined by these ideas (if they hold merit at all) considering he actually owns coloured lipstick and he wears#jewellery (admittedly quite 'masculine' jewellery no gems or pearls or anything like that but jewellery nonetheless) but i think it just#makes it more interesting that he doesnt seem quite able to cross the line anyway. like it's that ingrained into his system.#anyway that's all i've got. you guys should tell me what you think too#annotations
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There is currently a rather large discussion ongoing about the RW fandom behavior, drama, etc. I am not going to talk about the specifics of whats happened for a number of reasons. But what I do want to say is that if at any point you've harassed people over it, whether that be through anon asks or public posts- you did nothing but damage the ability for people to correctly process what is happening. You contributed nothing but harm to an already delicate situation. It does not matter what "side" you were on and I will not tolerate further interaction with me or my work if I found out you did such. If you let your personal hate for anyone boil over into threats, wishes for long term harm and petty comments meant to contribute nothing but slander or mental distress for the individuals involved who were already distressed (or acting irrationally) you did nothing but make it harder for people to process their emotions, thoughts and behaviors constructively. Regardless of who you think was in the right, who fucked up, whatever. It doesn't matter if they deserved it, or earned it, or if its an eye for an eye. Its difficult enough as it is to think clearly when presented with any kind of stressful situation and heckling people does nothing but make it worse and harder for them to explain themself in any capacity. I don't want you anywhere near me if you think that is an acceptable way to act.
#Please do not ask for me details- I am not involved#I am not the person to ask.#I very intentionally stay out of wider fandom circles because i want to keep enjoying things i like (lol)#But i have seen some absolutely vile behavior both openly and on alts or anon#even from the 'anti harassment' side because of course they also just want a justified target#to hurt or slander but this time under the guise of 'well they did it first!'#Its a pathetic display on all sides in terms of behavior long before for you even try picking a part who fucked up and where#and its not surprising that many artists have felt uncomfortable with it long before it boiled over into this. It would have been a problem#even if there had never been an actual incident because people were simply behaving in uncomfortable and offputting ways in regards to how#they treated creators here. fandom has a problem in general with that but it was particularly public and open#Anyway Im not leaving the fandom or anything im comfortably on the fringes of it for a reason and dont intend on digging in any further.#But this issue has been cooking for months for frankly and with this its gotten even more openly hostile. And yes- even those#'anti harassment' types are very happy to harass when they have their own reason for it. so im not giving them an inch#But beyond that and this particular incident people have just been way too comfortable being cruel openly#and letting their personal dislike of things bleed into how they act.#Also one more thing: If an artist deletes or leaves and takes their art with them the bear minimum of respect is to honor that choice#save what you want when its there and keep it but if they want their work gone than god respect that dont set up entire archives#for shit people choose to wipe. If they delete it that should be honored no matter how you feel about it#t.extpost
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genuinely always so shocked to see mirei hate. like literally god forbid women do anything.
#y5 haters in general... does playable haruka mean nothing to you...#DOES SHINADA TATSUO MEAN NOTHING TO YOU...#for legal reasons this is a joke people are allowed to feel however they want about whatever it's just viddy games#and i fully acknowledge y5 and its litany of flaws#of which there are certainly enough for any given individual to justifiably dislike/hate its entirety but I AM A Y5 LOVER THRU AND THRU#saejima's arc is just an arguably less interesting rehash of the one he had in 4?#(jail; jailbreak; betrayed by his lil buddy guy#but now we're sans the interesting character stuff of his feelings regarding the hit. & also i miss his hair.#& that's not even to say i think saejima is boring in y5 i think there's some interesting subtext to take away from his character#unique to this entry but it's pretty hard to deny how much is literally just y4 again but now he's bald)#BUT WHO GAFS he got buffed to hell gameplay-wise and punches bears now#and also baba's a great character and he doesn't have to do a whole chase minigame if a cop sees him anymore#bloated/unfocused feeling in general to the game?#WELL THAT'S JUST MORE CONTENT BABY!!! only a real issue if you're a completionist imo#+ are u telling me you don't wanna drive a taxi? u don't wanna play a video game in which the goal is to drive as normally as possible?#and i loveeeee multiple protagonists yay <3 y0 y4 and y5 are my favs so far lol (up to y6)#kiryu's inclusion in y5 also feels way more justified than in y4. he was so tacked on there i'm trying to remember what he even really did#other than tiger dropping as a boss fight before instantly forgetting how to tiger drop the second he became playable#and losing track of yasuko and getting tag-teamed by akiyama and tanimura (cough) and beating up daigo#but in exchange akiyama becomes the protag that feels kinda tacked on in y5. way less so than kiryu in y4 tho for sure#anyway. weird/strangely justified plot beats? WELL THAT'S JUST EVERY YAKUZA GAME#an arguably strange/poor writing choice for majima especially given how he ended up being written in y0?#well honestly other than the age thing i think it makes him more interesting... he's kinda fucked up!#but i do get why people are /really/ not a fan of it. ik i just said i think it makes him more interesting but if it gets retconned#or even just never mentioned again i wouldn't be surprised tbh and i wouldn't say that i'd mind either#but additionally he's not even a major character in y5 so it feels like it's not really a significant complaint imo#anyway anyone can do this ('this' being acknowledging the flaws of a thing and then letting how much they otherwise enjoy#said thing determine how much they let said flaws influence their overall opinion) ...such is the beauty of subjectivity... i love you.#contra.txt#yakuza
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3am pacing around the room in a heated debate with myself over which movie should fill the 4th slot on my letterboxd profile
#what autism does to a motherfucker#the first 3 are romeo+juliet 96/to catch a thief/scott pilgrim#rope is a STRONG contender but idk if i can justify 2 hitchcocks out of 4 slots. that’s a bit much#i might even like rope more but to catch a thief is just that important to my identity#2001 aso is also a strong contender as is contact. i haven’t seen either of them too many times but mostly bc i was too blown away#2001 is obviously That Movie but contact made me experience an entire new emotion at like 13#i have not watched it since my dad died and i truly don’t know if i can ever watch it again. god#dead poets is also a legacy choice but like. has it truly earned it. yes it has but STILL#last candidate is portrait of a lady on fire for obvious lesbian reasons#one of the hardest i have ever cried at a film is the last like 3 minutes. deep painful sobbing i’m so serious#but again! does a particularly emotional viewing experience necessarily mean it goes in the top 4?#most importantly it does not fucking matter except for i like categorizing and making lists so it matters to me#i think the answer is i have to rewatch all the candidates but the problem is all those films make me so emotional it wipes me out for days#so watching them all is hydrogen bomb (5 fave movies) to coughing baby (me making lists)#ok. ok i’m going to try and go to bed now#if u read all of this and want to be letterboxd besties my @ is m_worm#orating!
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I had the worst dream last night that I had had a daughter at some point in the recent past and of necessity gave her up (I am far from the financial situation for raising a child and I don't even have the support of a partner, so that part is realistic). And I was just so wracked with guilt because I didn't even remember her name or who she was living with now. I felt so inadequate as a human being for not being involved in my child's life. And if I had to guess I had this dream because I was thinking a lot about abortion rights yesterday and how frankly they alone should be enough of a reason to go out and vote against Republicans. Like if you can't take a stand against people who are pro-forced birth, I don't wanna hear any excuse about it at all. It's some out-of-touch nonsense which reeks or either ignorance or privilege. Because if that were your own trauma-preventing medical procedure being legislated away, would you just let others get away with it being low on their list of priorities? Would you feel like those people still care about you or are your allies? The pro-life camp actively ignores cases where abortion is necessary to save the life of the pregnant person and/or the fetus has no chance of surviving to be born. They also constantly act like you can "just" put your child up for adoption, which to me is a much more terrifying and guilt-inducing idea than terminating a pregnancy. Idk. I just feel like family planning is as essential a human right as any other and yet it's constantly demonized on the right and still somehow trivialized as a "women's issue" from the center and left, from people who don't feel "personally affected"
#i can't stress enough that no medical procedure should ever be on the desk of any politician ever#it makes me incredibly heartbroken because it's a basic human right#if someone cannot or is not willing to be pregnant they should never ever ever have to justify that#or go through the humiliation of proving themselves THE EXCEPTION to a fundamentally unjust law.#abortion cw#probably should've put that sooner my bad#also when i say it comes from ignorance or privilege im not saying it's only amab people#who trivialize abortion rights as an issue. often a lot of ppl w uteruses just sincerely cannot or do not#picture themselves in the dire situation of a pregnancy they cannot bring to term.#again it just makes me want to cry because it's just so personal for people who have to go through it#a lot of ppl about a lot of things just think 'oh itll never happen to me' and adjust their apathy accordingly#(not to get sidetracked but that attitude drove me INSANE in the covid era)#but at the same time regardless of how unenthused some ppl w uteruses are about abortion access#the fact it's a political issue at all is still a sign we live in a (cis) patriarchy#but again a lot of ppl who are hypothetically my allies are quite milquetoast w their feminism#i most likely have been ruminating on this topic bc it's a big concern in my governor's race right now#(kelly ayotte is very much not pro choice no matter what she pretends)#but i also did see some nonsense 'dont vote' take recently that was like 'blah blah blah if u can't give up access to ur abortion rights#ur being selfish blah blah blah' im trying not to make a bigger deal of one nonsense person than i should#and blow that person out of proportion in their significance but jesus. what a ghoulish and evil thing to say
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what exactly is one supposed to do about accepting things you can't control when the thing you can't control is a person who is actively fucking over many people, including children?
#especially children#like itd not be an issue if the children were not involved. the person would be persona non grata#but the children exist and are involved and we have no legal recourse apparently. so what the fuck. what the fuck#i want to leave. i cant leave. i want to leave#i think id want to leave anyway without this person just bc im sick of this place#but this person makes things 10x worse#the children give me pause bc i do love them but also. maybe this makes me sound shitty. theyre not my repsonsibility#maybe if i can get my own life set up and get stable on my own id try to get the children away from this person#but rn it's not happening#sometimes i think this person had kids to babytrap us into not booting them#honestly i think the law should allow for one free punch#i dont think violence is nec3ssarily the answer for...most things#but some people ....some people need a#need to be socked in the fucking jaw and face tangible consequences for their actions#bc they dont face any consequences otherwise#or at least dont recognize any other consequences as being the direct result of their own selfish dickhead actions#alas. the law is the law#and everything here feels so precarious as it is#it sucks though that 'wanting to control someone else's actions' in this case is i want this person to treat other people fucking decently#and be respectful of their time and the fact that they have their own lives#i get being a parent is hard but to force other people to pick up your slack without any input from them#thereby controlling their lives and fucking them over#and thats just straight up shit behavior. the hardships of parenthood do not justify that#and you barely parent. screaming at kids for being kids is not parenting#and literally nobody made you bring these poor kids into the world. this was 100% your choice#and sure prochoice but honestly people who can choose otherwise having kids when they have to know full well#that they neither have the capacity nor actual desire to actually attempt to parent#they deserve a slap. fuck it. i dont have it in me for compassion#and i have a lot more to say actually that wont fit in the tags. whoops#to the void with love
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— leviticus 20:13 on ao3
#i may or may not be working on a new typeset#saying no would be a lie. and lying is a sin.#like oh my god just take me out back and shoot me#what makes this extra ironic#but still when he wants to kiss tetsurou he cannot help but think of sin and trying to convince himself it's okay to ask for what he wants#by saying it would be a sin to lie and that's why it's okay#even tho he doesn't believe in god!!! even tho there's literally no one around that will smite him down or judge him or tell him off#he still impulsively rationalises his choices in terms of what is and isn't a sin#god it's just so painfully catholic#for the record i do not think like this anymore#and i did always think the concept of not sinning because it went against god was a bit ridiculous even as a child that didn't sit right w/#but this is still relatable#and i think all catholics and ex-catholics can relate to the impulse to always moralise our actions breaking out of the need to constantly#justify TO YOURSELF why you do what you do or want what you want#god it's so exhaustinggggg#anyways this is exhibit a million why this kei in particular hits me quite hard#tsukki <3#kurotsuki#haikyuu#also re my post a few days ago about the importance of tsukki being the one to confess first... prime example right here
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A
#Idk how I feel about the Icarus fell as he laughed thing#not hating and I really really like that interpretation#but also him being a scared kid and crying for his dad 😭#who couldnt help him? rah#and this is like meaner and absolutely just me being melodramatic#but the way so many parents say they’d die before living without their children#I’d like to imagine he was one of them#but when confronted with the choice between dying with his child/trying to save him even if it would be fruitless or the going towards the#freedom hed been kept from for so long?#well Icarus chose the sun.#omg i just reread this Im not saying Icarus chose the sun over his child lmaooo#Lemme be clear#im taking Abt Daedalus 😭#that well Icarus chose the sun is like D making it clear that he chose freedom and tryin to justify it bc Icarus in a way chose freedom over#family too#and in the interpretation of Icarus as a young adult who laughed as he fell this is kind of a we’re both fucked up and i see you/you see me#Kinda thing#like idk that confinement must’ve done shit mentally yknow#but in the interpretation where Icarus is a kid who didn’t know any better? gut wrenching#to me anyways#especially since it’s technically daedalus’ fault they’re there#and more especially since Icarus is there for being his fathers son#Daedalus projecting his naivety onto Icarus and not only saying that the ‘choice’ the child made is the same as him giving up#but projecting the naivety that he himself had at the thought that he was exempt from the kings anger#ugh I love it either way but the second one is hitting today#OH ALL OF THIS BUT THEEEEEN imagine differences in stories where he sighed as he flew away#or stories where he wept as he watched his son fall#i need to make one of those genetic squares I forgot the name of for how I feel about each scenario#going insane
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Final Fantasy 15: creator writes a huge thing saying "women are fundamentally different from men and would ruin the dynamic" and therefore where not included in the main party
Final Fantasy 16: creator writes a huge thing about how "this is an isolated country setting like europe which totally never interacted ever with people of color" and therefore they are not in the game
Me, a gender queer person of color:
#what does the fox say#final fantasy critcal#I am just#so tired#do you want me to play your game or what#I'll just be here playing the mmo and select old ones I guess#like if you need to make an entire essay to try an justify your 'choices' you might have a problem guys#spoilers the problem is misogyny/racism#also just blatenly ignoring history have you even seen europe
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I think... in many ways, I really just want to feel loved, but I'm scared of accepting it, and scared of feelings I feel like I "can't control" so I end up taking an overly analytical approach and overjustifying things like natural curiosity to myself by calling things "just scientific fascination" and "morbid curiosity" (because in my mind, things I feel I am not "allowed to" experience, be curious about, or consider, seem like they're taboo, hence 'morbid'). I can't really fault others for thinking that's messed up. I've definitely ruined chances at receiving any sort of care and/or love in the past by not only pushing people away in delusional self-sabotage states, but also by treating people like equations or research projects. I sort of hate admitting to myself that I DON'T know or understand everything, and that doing so is impossible no matter how much I like knowing things, especially since my inability to just trust and take what people tell me at face value is in juxtaposition with that desire for knowledge and thorough understanding. It is actually me and my own doubt of people that drives me into over-questioning everything I DO know.
I also am terrible at paying attention to others. I know this. I forget that other people are, well, people, and that they won't know how much I care about them unless I express it and KEEP expressing it. Not just verbally but with things like asking people how they are doing- assuming they'll just tell me if they want me to know is something I do, but I know very well how easy it is to feel like a burden and close your troubles away from others in fear of being "too much" to deal with. I've reflected on this, and my unhealthy manner of expressing fondness and trust for others being that I'm far too quick to traumadump and talk about myself, in the past, but I've not been making nearly enough progress on it.
I think, I seek and crave for too much clarity without offering any myself, that has driven people away from me in the past, and it's purely my own flaws causing it.
Maybe with another year or two of reflecting, I will be able to handle something like a qppr without it falling apart because of my aloofness and inability to pay enough attention to others. Perhaps in half a decade, I could consider a romantic relationship, if I've made any progress with all that + trauma work, by then.
#I previously swore off all kinds of romantic/qplatonic relationships because I felt that I just#''wasn't made for them''#but I think in truth NOBODY is made for them- people just have to grow and improve to be able to maintain them#healthy ones at least#and there's no point in desiring for dysfunctional ones no matter how desperate one is#I know this well thanks to DF.#so what I am saying is... my previous attitude was selfish and petty#to just decide that I am ''hopeless'' and ''unfit'' for something was a sort of refusal to accept fault in myself#nobody is 'hopeless' with things like healthy romantic/qpp relationships unless they choose to be#and making that choice... to rather be hopeless but eternally envying others is very childish#childish and something that only someone in deep denial about their own flaws would do#I can offer myself some understanding since I believe that I needed to reach this point#where I would realize this myself and accept it#and I'm glad I didn't cause anyone any hurt (as far as I'm aware) during this time it took me to realize that#because I could see people making a declaration like that but then allowing mixed signals and vague situationships to take place#solely because of the very human loneliness of wanting closeness but also childishly refusing to actually work on oneself#much like my refusal was. but in my case#I did fully cut everything like that out- I haven't allowed people to get any closer than ordinary friendship#and I've not been crushing on people myself (in general that's just because I'm demi most likely)#(but I have not been crushing and trying to justify to myself sending mixed or vague signals to anyone)#(that's what I mainly mean in that I haven't been crushing. that I haven't allowed myself to act selfishly because of emotion)#so in that sense I do feel a little proud that me saying that I'm not going to even think about things like romance or qpps#wasn't just me 'saying it' while still technically wanting it and craving for it#I truly did take that literally and took a lot of time to just... process things and explore my issues#and I think that's what allowed me to come to this realization naturally myself- that I am NOT hopeless#and that I was just throwing a childish tantrum because processing emotions that felt out of control felt 'too difficult' to even try#it's like a child refusing to even try to learn tying their shoelaces just because they don't quite 'get' how to make a knot yet#mm... I'm glad I've made that progress. it's not that it magically fixes everything that was wrong to begin with about me#and my attitude towards emotions and feelings like attraction and affection and even love#but it does to me at least show that I've overcome one obstacle of many and AM making progress even if it's not immediately visible
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making YET ANOTHER inquisitor when I’m not even done with the original one, as ya do
#I’ll finish trespasser someday#but listen LISTEN I don’t have an inquisitor who was a chantry boy#and I NEED to have one#struggling with his own faith and trying to represent the chantry at the same time babyyyyy!!!!!#he was given to the chantry as a child and he’s been chasing their approval ever since#and he is trying so hard to be good and faithful and a servant to the blessed andraste and to the maker#but he grapples so much with his faith especially now that he is being claimed as the herald#he lies awake at night begging her to make him believe it and she never does!!! I love a religious crisis!!!!#(also tho I was never gonna choose the templars and this is the only way I can justify it#if it’s a scared kid who resents that he had to make that choice and laments not giving the mages their chance)#dragon age#dai#(ALEXA PLAY GOD MUST HATE ME)
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I'm getting real fuckin' tired of jrpgs pretending I can shape my protagonist's personality over the course of the game. "Hey, here are these cool psychology tests to boost some as of yet pointless stats. Wow, you're really fucking selfish! Have fun only being nice or lukewarm "joke" interactions while you save the world!" To be fair, saving the world comes at the risk of some individuals, but they spend so much time basically telling you the silent protagonist is altruistic while hinting that you don't actually have to sacrifice anyone! But due to plot, you don't have the dialogue options to investigate into that. So you're just stupidly trundling along until someone else spells it out for you while swinging wildly between being lawful stupid and edgy stupid.
#also you have a sister but you barely interact with her but suddenly she's your driving force for progressing#which is never hinted at up to this point#just randomly thrown in there via an interaction with a whole other character who asks why and you can literally only choose the one option#why even make dialogue options a game mechanic then??????#you clearly designed the game with the protagonist designed a certain way#why let me think i can play a selfish prick when he was just gonna be an uwu milque toast soft bitch?????#and i hate how some of the supporting cast essentially force you to care for the sister!#she came all the way here for you so you should thank her BITCH I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER#SHE LITERALLY STAYS IN THE SAME FUCKING ROOM#I LEARNED MORE ABOUT HER FROM NOTES AND OTHER PEOPLE THAN FROM THE ACTUAL PERSON#i'm trying to pretend this is some meta commentary on free will or some shit to justify the money i spent DISCOUNTED BTW#but it really ain't that deep#just stupid design choices#i'm playing monark
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She’s Not So Little Anymore
Pairing: Lewis Hamilton x reader
Warnings: none, dad Lewis yes pls
“You’re not leaving the house until you change your clothes!”
“But dad-“ Harper stammered in a broken voice and teary eyes.
“There’s no but, I said what I said. You can go out with your friends after you put some clothes on. End of discussion.” Lewis told his daughter sternly before turning and heading towards the living room.
“I hate you!!” Harper growled bursting into tears and slamming the door of her room.
“Don’t slam the door at me!” He said in a raised tone. Sitting on the couch he sighed and rubbed his face feeling awful because of the argument between him and his fifteen-year-old daughter.
It was not natural for Lewis to yell and get into heated arguments with his daughter. The two have always had a special relationship - she was daddy's little girl for whom he would remove the stars from the sky just to make her happy. Harper loved and was just as close to you as she was to Lewis, but still, her daddy has always been her number one.
But since Harper entered her teenage phase, it has become very difficult for Lewis to accept that she is actually growing up, that she is changing, that she is interested in some other things that are actually normal for her age.
He really was having a hard time facing the fact that his little girl is not so little anymore. That’s why often broke out arguments between the two of them when Harper would stay out too late with her friends, when she would come home late or mention that she had a crush on a boy or for example like today when she would wear something that Lewis thought was too revealing.
Lewis did all this because he loves her too much and wants to protect her, but, of course, the teenager thinks that her father is working against her and that he is "purposely ruining her life".
Fortunately, not long after the argument, you came back from grocery shopping and found Lewis sitting on the couch looking at the switched off TV.
“Hi, baby” You greeted him happily, but you felt a strange energy in the air.
“Hey” He muttered not turning to look at you.
“Is everything okay?” You ask suspiciously, leaving the heavy bags on the hallway floor.
“Everything is fine except our daughter just told me she hates me”
You immediately knew what it was about. You were aware of how much it affected Lewis. You weren't always happy with some of your daughter's behaviors either, but you understood that it was just a phase and that it would pass, but you also understood that it was difficult for Lewis to face it.
You sighed walking up closer to the couch to Lewis from behind and bent down to wrap your arms around him.
“And that is why?” You asked pressing a kiss to his cheek.
“Because she thinks it’s normal to leave the house wearing a short ass dress that doesn’t even have any straps God forbid some sleeves” He says visibly upset and you can’t help but chuckle at him. “That’s not funny, y/n?”
“That’s not, but you are” You say making yourself comfortable in his lap. “You’re being too overprotective of her-“
“Of course I’m overprotective of her, she’s my little girl!” He cuts you off trying to justify his actions.
“Would you let me finish, please?”
“I’m sorry..”
“She’s no longer a little girl, Lew. You have to make your peace with that. Sometimes I don't like her clothing choices or her behavior either, but that's why we're here to guide her. But you forbid her too many things and she sees it as you trying to control her.”
“I just..” He sighs leaning his head against your chest. “I just want to protect her.. I miss the time when she was with me non-stop. We used to do so many things together now she only wants to hang out with her friends.”
“Baby, that’s normal. If it were any different, we would have been worried.” You assure him putting your hands on his cheeks. “You’re still her number one, you’ll always be.”
“Youe ability to calm me down amazes me.” He smiles at your soothing and comforting words. “I don’t know what I’d do without you. I love you more than you know.”
“I love you too, baby” You place a soft kiss on his lips. “Now go and talk to her”
Lewis immediately got up and headed towards Harper's room while you decided to sort the groceries you had brought into the house a little while ago.
“My princess?” Lewis said gently knocking on the door. “Can I come in?”
Almost the same second, the door opened revealing crying Harper who was still sobbing. What Lewis didn't expect was for Harper to give him a tight hug and start crying in his arms.
“Baby, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” Lewis asked a little worried.
“Because you made me say that I hate you. And I don’t hate you, daddy, I’m sorry I didn’t mean it.” She cried. It stung her as much as it stung Lewis because Harper is aware of how special her relationship with her father is.
“Baby, it’s okay. I know you didn’t mean it. I’m sorry too.” He comforted her rubbing her back. “I don’t like when we can’t talk things out and I hate when we argue. We don’t do that, that’s not us.”
“I know we don’t do that. I don’t like it either” She said quietly.
“It’s hard for me to accept that you’re growing up and that you are no longer my little girl.” He lifts up her head to look at her. “I promise to try to be more understanding of your wishes.”
“Daddy, I’m always gonna be your little girl.” Her words warmed Lewis's heart. She knew what she meant by that. The love Harper has for her dad will always be strong and special and nothing can ever replace it. Lewis was grinning like a child thinking how he is the luckiest man in the world to have the two best girls in his life, Harper and you.
#f1 fanfic#f1#f1 fic#sir lewis hamilton#lewis hamilton x you#lewis hamilton fluff#lewis hamilton smut#lewis hamilton x reader#lewis hamilton imagine#lewis hamilton fanfic#lewis hamilton#f1 x reader#f1 scenario#f1 smut#f1 fluff#f1 one shot#f1 imagine
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