#also my asks started getting weird when i made that post about some criticisms of steven moffat that I see as reductive or telephone gamed

[sparrowlucero]

man, sorry people are so weird in your asks. Love your creature designs, which are you the most proud of?

the one I probably like the most right now is currently under NDA, hopefully I can share it soon. It's a horse. Of stuff I can share, I really like how the scriveners from my hourly comic turned out. I think I ended up with a nice balance of my typical "cool bird thing" and something that feels abstract and like it doesn't belong in the real world.

A lot of the early concepts were weird but not quite alien in the way I wanted them to be:

these were the concepts that eventually clicked:

(I also flip flopped between digital and traditional, had it been traditional i thought about cutting the shapes out of the paper so they were just holes in the comic, making them out of newspaper clippings, etc. - The Timekeepers of Eternity was a big influence on the comic in general.)

[purpurussy]

.

[drdemonprince]

At one point he was down in between my legs, fingering me, and he made a throwaway comment about probably being Autistic. 

I leaned back, trying to relish what pleasure I was getting. “Well, we can talk about that subject, if you like,” I said vaguely, not really wanting to bring my professional life into things. 

He kept working away at my body, kissing between my lips and thighs. “Oh I know who you are,” he said suddenly. “Your book changed my life. In a way, I guess this is me thanking you.” 

I made him exit my body and we went to the kitchen to hash it out. It turned out he was a big fan of many things I’d written. 

“I’ve seen you around the neighborhood many times,” he confessed. “But you posted online that you don’t like when people come up to you, and so I always decided to leave you alone.” 

He said, “Your book is the reason I got divorced, actually. My ex-husband was a therapist, and when I showed him your book and said I thought I might be Autistic, he didn’t believe me. We have been separated for a year.” 

He asked, “Did I just make this weird, telling you when I did that I was a fan?” I told him that if he’d said it sooner, I would have never fucked him at all. 

People never realize that when they approach me, what they are doing is dragging me into work. It doesn’t matter whether I was at breakfast, or an orgy. I was just some guy standing there, enjoying his beer, but now they have made me the known scholar and author. And sure, my job might be meaningful, but that doesn’t mean I like to work. 

I tell my friend that I no longer want to be a public figure, and that I am planning how to make it all end. She tells me, “You’ve got to do what is the best for you, even if it’s something that the rest of us wants and can’t imagine giving up.” 

I ask myself, did I want this? It would be more flattering to say I didn’t, and play the role of the hermetic author whose work developed its own life purely because it was so good. But that isn’t true. 

From the moment I got a Myspace account in high school, I was publishing essays about my political views. I serialized multiple novels on Tumblr, guerilla marketing them with giveaways and custom-made images until they hit the Kindle sales charts. I have made memes, tried starting viral trends, coined phrases, and given hundreds of hours’ worth of media interviews. I write prescriptive nonfiction, for Christ’s sake. Of course people seek guidance from me. I offer it up! 

I have been strategic about how I dress, and my video backdrops, and retaken clips of myself speaking over and over again until they sounded right. I’ve hosted debates with my most vicious critics while I’m in the shower, started public beef with creators who had larger accounts than I did, and rushed to my keyboard when upsetting news broke, because I alone was possessed of the most correct take on it.

I wanted this. I didn’t know what this was, this internet fame I was chasing, but I did all I could to make it mine. I thought that by writing so much, I would one day be able to escape myself, maybe really feel connected to other people. Instead it has meant never being able to stop thinking about myself: how I am seen, what I am working on, how it all fits together, what comes next. It has also meant being spoken about, theorized about, and criticized, and developing a firm exoskeleton of disdain between myself and the world. 

I believe now that that it is immoral for any person to be listened to by ninety thousand other people. Holding authority and status like that runs counter to my anarchic ideals. I am not more important or correct than anyone. I should not be trusted to tell people which commodities to buy, which companies not to support, what to read, what to think, what words to use, or how to conduct their lives. 

All the other animals know there is no one way that a creature “should” live. There is only the way that it does. The world has no consciousness, no beliefs. It cannot pass judgment. We only feel so watched and evaluated because we have covered the planet with so many millions of our eyes. But we can stop performing dignified human goodness at any moment. 

I think that celebrity is an evil, corrupting force that pits the human instinct for bonding against itself. Instead of appreciating the singing of our friends around the fire, we stream Chappell Roan until stalkers break into her house. Rather than playing card games together, we stan Twitch streamers, filling up their chats with highlighted messages until they acknowledge us. We long to be famous novelists because then we would have the social permission to write, and we don’t have the money or time to enjoy the activity on its own. 

I wrote about Chappell Roan, stalker stans, and how turning art into content creation ruins the work, and the creator's life. It's free to read in full (or have narrated to you by the app!) on Substack.

[mintywolf]

(I wrote this on the train coming home on August 26th although I am just getting around to posting it now because time is a weird soup.)

So okay.

****

I haven’t written a personal journal post in a long time but I want to write down EVERYTHING I can remember about my adventure to NYC to see the Critical Role cast so I don’t forget. It was SUCH a moving experience and I’m so glad I went even though I was scared.

So okay my big goal for this year was to finish the first chapter of my C3 prequel fan comic A Long Road Home (southerngothiccomic.com), have a print edition made, and meet Laura and Marisha at a convention so I could give copies of it to them in person. When the CR cast announced they were going to be at Anime NYC this year I figured that was the closest they were probably going to get to me in Virginia. (And getting autographs at NYCC is reportedly like hunting a unicorn so I figured this would be my best chance.)

I was also terrified, and almost talked myself out of it because I was nervous about giving them the comic, even though I already had a badge and it was what I really, really wanted to do. I know the cast loves to see fanart — and also, it has been revealed, reads the fanfic — but it’s also a pretty well-known taboo for a fan to show their fanfic to a creator and a graphic novel is an unholy hybrid of the two. I was also worried that it would seem presumptuous of me to present them with a fanmade prequel graphic novel because there’s almost certainly going to be an official one at some point, and afraid that at best they might politely tell me they couldn’t accept it (for the reasons that comic writers aren’t “allowed” to read fanfic), and at worst they might be kind of annoyed that it exists. Either way I’d be REALLY sad, and in the weeks leading up to the con I worked myself up into an irrational panic about this. Fortunately my friends managed to talk me into not backing out (and spoilers: it turned out okay in the end!) but I was still very scared.

Also I was so focused on the comic stuff that I forgot until after GenCon earlier this month to think of what I wanted to actually have autographed. I decided to get a big print of the chapter one cover from INPRNT, assuming that since I ordered it two weeks in advance with an eta of 5-7 days that would be plenty of time for it to get to me. Well, reader, it was not. (But please do not let me dissuade you from using INPRNT! To their credit when I contacted them and asked if I could upgrade to rush delivery, they expedited it for free. Unfortunately even with rush shipping it just missed me, arriving at my house while I was on the train to NYC.)

Pâté on the train going to see his biological parents. (Laura and Marisha.)

When I saw that it wasn’t going to arrive in time I was starting to panic because there is nowhere near me to have art prints made. It’s a 15 minute drive (past the alpaca farm) just to get to the nearest grocery store. Grasping at straws I was kind of like Should I . . . draw something? On paper?? With real media that I haven’t used in like 10 years??? I only have 3 days!!!

Fortunately my life was saved by @emphaticembroiderer who had the brilliant suggestion of sending my art ahead to a print shop in NYC and picking it up before the convention. There are indeed MANY of those in New York and I managed to find one that was open on Saturdays and able to make my print on short notice. (567 Framing on W 14th street. The owner, Jack Hu, did excellent work and was very kind!) By that point I was frazzled and didn’t want two of the same print so I decided to be self-indulgent and had this one made. Not my showiest piece but it is one of my favorite things I’ve drawn. (This turned out to be the correct decision.) It’s a 6 1/2 hour train ride from here to there (and it got a little delayed along the way) so by the time I got there it was after 5 and the print shop closed at 6:30 so I zoomed over there straight from the train station to pick it up. It turned out BEAUTIFULLY, and the owner was pleased with how happy I was with it and that he’d been able to help.

He enjoys that he is included.

Then I went and checked in to my hotel and that point really just wanted to lie down on a bed but I had plans to take Pâté to see Hadestown on Broadway that night because I wanted to make the most of my trip. (Also it’s important for our scrungly son to receive a cultural education.) In keeping with the theme of the weekend I wore the Laudna-themed sundress I made for GenCon with one of the poppies in my hair. An usher told me they liked my ensemble. :) I had decided to go for a front row mezzanine seat because I didn’t know when I’d ever have this opportunity again and I didn’t want to risk my miniature self being stuck behind a tall person. It was perfect; I could see everything and the performance was AMAZING. Pâté had a very good time too.

The next day was the CR panel and autographs!! I decided to wear my 1950s Laudna cosplay from GenCon. I had some doubts about it when I got there because without the rest of 50s Bells Hells the theme isn’t as clear and outside of a DnD-focused convention the recognizability of a CR character is kind of low, let alone an AU variant on one. But once I found the Critters my Pâté poodle skirt was appreciated. :)

This is Rach @dadrielle, Astoria @astoriacolumnstaircase, Abby @overnighttosunflowers, and me as 50s Hells at GenCon!

And okay I know this said a lot but it’s true, CR fans are the NICEST fandom to be a part of. <3 If you’re ever standing in line for a CR thing by the time you get there you will have new friends. (For comparison the other-fandoms cosplayers I saw at the hotel and on the way to the con didn’t even return my smiles, even though we were all clearly going to the same place.) I fell in with a group of people who were near me in line (including an amazing Owlbearman cosplayer) and we decided to all sit together. The panel was really great. I don’t remember everything that was asked because of everything ELSE that happened later that day but they hinted that Big Things are coming (including multiple live shows!! Please come to Richmond! Or DC! Or at least somewhere on the East Coast!) for the 10th anniversary and Momlan stepped up to the mic during the Q&A segment and revealed that Sam has achieved his childhood dream . . . to become a minotaur. :D

With the mindset of making the most of this trip I had intended to try to get a spot in line to ask a question but I was hesitant about being on camera (even in cosplay) and while I was dithering about it like 50 people got in line. (I was also Suffering by that point because my rockabilly Laudna shoes have like 3 inch heels and after walking from the hotel to the convention center I didn’t have the fortitude to dart over to the line in them.)

My question, which I hope to submit next time there’s a Q&A opportunity, was this: For Marisha. We’ve seen Delilah’s influence manifesting in Laudna’s fashion choices recently. Now that she has the means and the freedom to do so, what kind of clothes would she choose for herself?

(Because I am a little sad that — until a possible post-campaign oneshot — we’ll never get to see a high-level Laudna costume that’s totally of her own design and I’m really eager to know what it would look like! Let her be spooky and free!)

Afterwards the cosplayers were being rounded up for a photo shoot but I was anxious to get a good spot in line for my autograph with Laura at 2pm so I stealthed away with Ken (@elissabrat), a Jester fan I had met in line, who knew where they were and had one with Travis at the same time. When we got there we were told No, go away and come back in an hour and a half, because it was still only 12. So we went to the Artists Alley where we found a girl named Lea whom we had also met in the panel line and collected a few other stray Critters (Ken has a boisterous and inviting personality and importantly, is very tall, preventing the rest of us from getting lost in the crowd) and we wandered around seeking out all the CR fan artists we could find. (There were a lot! It was great. I got some prints.)

by Cait May and Maliveth

Around 1 we decided to go back and see what the line situation was. Before we parted ways I exchanged twitter handles with Lea, who looked at my profile and said “Wait . . . this is you?”

She told me she was a big fan of my comic and looks forward to it every week! and we were both kind of like !!! at each other for a moment. I had never met someone who recognized my art in the wild before. (On ANY other day this would have been the most amazing thing that happened to me, haha.) I was so touched to meet her. <3

I took out the two books I was carrying and explained why I was there and we all got hyped up about it. And it made it feel a little less daunting, to know that there was someone there who understood the quest I was on and how close I was to the end of it.

I was like 5th in line for Laura and since it was still early I got to participate in that bonding experience integral to every con, sitting on the floor in cosplay, with a very good Vex behind me. (Hilariously, even after the dig at them — or maybe unaware of it — in the most recent episode, there were a lot of Funko Pop resellers around us, haha.)

I sent word to Southern Gothic Discord to remember me fondly in case I died here. In fact I'm not entirely sure that I didn't.

It felt like there was a disproportionate amount of fanfare revealing my print because I kept it how it was packed by the printer, wrapped in paper in between two pieces of cardboard so it wouldn’t get bent, so there was this whole ceremony of peeling back the tape, turning under one of the cardboard protectors, unfolding the paper, and turning over the print. But Laura loved it. She made like a happy sob when she saw it (it was really cute) and she looked at it for a long time taking in all the details and said it was beautiful. <3 <3 <3 (No matter how much we love and ship Imogen and Laudna, NO ONE loves them or is shipping them harder than Laura Bailey. She asked if I was going to bring it to Marisha too and was careful picking out a spot so there'd be room for both of their signatures. :))

I told her I was really happy to meet her because I’ve been a fan since BloodRayne (so, um. 20 years) and she said “oh wow, that was OG days!” And she gave me just a really kind look like she understood how much it meant to me to be there.

Then I gave her the comic. You all were right, I was worried about nothing! because she is the sweetest and she loved it. I very nervously pushed it across the table and said it was a comic I had made and wanted to give her. She picked it up and started turning the pages and was surprised when she saw what it was. “Wait, this is a whole novel! You made this?”

I confessed that I had, and she asked how long it had taken, I told her about a year (it was actually longer; in the moment I kind of forgot not how many pages there are in the first chapter but how many weeks are in a year) and she looked just really impressed that I had made it and touched by how much work had gone into it. She said she couldn’t wait to read it and seemed really excited to hear that it’s still going online! (So no pressure on me there if she's keeping up with it now, haha. o.o) And she kept looking between the book and me like she couldn’t believe it.

Then she asked me if I would sign it for her. :')

Somehow I survived long enough to do so! (a little wobbly because my hands were shaking) and someone (I think it was the ticket scanner) made a joke about how I was the first person to give an autograph at a signing, haha. And then she came around the table and gave me a hug. <3 <3 <3

After that my soul was still on the ethereal plane but the rest of me managed to find my way (after a brief wrong turn) to Marisha’s line. (There was a really good Keyleth and Caduceus in line behind me and they kindly noticed and returned the Pâté sticker that fell out of Marisha’s book).

She recognized my cosplay as 1950s Laudna right away! which was very validating after my earlier indecision haha. She loved the Pâté skirt and thought the scissors embroidery on my collar was adorable. She really liked the art too and was kind of like “Awww” about the book like in an “aww it’s an Imogen and Laudna thing” kind of way (she also liked the glass bottle windchimes on the cover and I love that she noticed that detail because Laudna’s penchant for turning things other people have thrown away into arts and crafts is one of my favorite aspects of her character) until she opened it and started looking through it.

Then she said, “Wait, this is actually really good," and she asked me seriously if Liam “Art Dad” knew about it (I said he had liked some of my other art on Twitter but I didn’t know if he knew about the comic) and then she said — still looking at it, more to herself than me — “We’ll have to add it to our art catalogue.” I don’t know exactly what that means (and I don’t want to get my hopes up too high by speculating; I was too !!! in the moment to ask and now I’m going to be wondering) but . . . it sounds . . . exciting??

They also both enjoyed Pâté and his lil sunglasses. :)

I had gone up with the intention of asking my other burning question: How does being cold-blooded affect Laudna in cold climates? If she gets too cold will she enter a state of brumation like a lizard? Will she freeze solid?

But I forgot. And it really wouldn’t have been the right moment. Maybe when I come back with Volume Two. :)

You’re supposed to pay extra to get a quote put on there but they both did it anyway without even asking. I think they must be really pleased when someone brings them something personal that they’ve made to have signed and not something they’re planning to sell.

After that I just kind of floated away from the con even though it was only like 2:30 haha. Nothing else could have happened there that would have equaled or improved upon that experience. Although I did adopt a Tentacle Kitty. The vendor (correctly) guessed “you look like you’d vibe with our spooky collection” so I had to get a new buddy for Pâté. (50s Laudna, still readily identifiable as a witch wherever she goes.) Also I saw a very chill emotional support pomeranian in a backpack.

(On the way back I saw the mark of the Traveler graffiti’d in green on the sidewalk. Truly a blessed day. :P)

Afterwards I just sat on the bed in my hotel room amid the floof of my crinoline wondering what even is my life for the next few hours and being like !!!! at Discord. Then I met up with Abby (whom it was wonderful to see again!! thank you so much for coming to see me) for dinner and had a really lovely time going over the What Just Happened of it all and talking about Imodna over strawberry pancakes. As one does. Perfect ending to an amazing day. <3

It was SUCH an incredible, exhilarating experience, thank you everyone who pushed me into not giving up out of fear. Laura and Marisha are SO nice and gracious in person and it was just so rewarding, after all the work and love and time I’ve put into this comic, to be able to finally bring it to the people who inspired it! And to see it appreciated and admired by them! It was more than I ever could have imagined.

This fandom is the best. My heart is so happy and full of love right now. <3 <3 <3

[coral-melon]

Heya!! CM! (Get it your user!)

Its 🍓 again :3

Would you be able to write imagine/hc thingys how they would react to seeing your human form for the first time when you go to the human world with them! Im thinking along the flustered fluff/ possibility suggestive thoughts about mc =^=

Any of the brothers/dateables u want! But if your looking for specific just mammon & levi as personal preference :3

(AFAB preferred but No description of gender js cool too :3 )

Aghhh sorry this is worded so weird I’m not the best leaving suggestions i feel too askyy ;^;

Your writing is lovely and i can’t wait to see more!!

- 🍓

Hello again -🍓! Love the ‘CM’ nickname! And by all means, ask whatever you want and however much you want! I’ll always make the time to write any requests~

Also sorry for taking so long; I really wasn’t too sure how to write this, and I’m sorry but I kinda tweaked it and lil bit.. ^^’ I was going to make everyone but I ended up only doing Mammon cuz I thought it would’ve been a very long post. BUT! I can most definitely make separate posts for each of the brothers if that’s something you and others want!

A and as always, if it sucks just lemme know! Constructive criticism is always welcome >;)

Cotton Surprise

Obey me! Mammon x Sheep!MC

Genre: Fluff, crack/shenanigans, slightly suggestive

What’s it about?: Seeing your human form for the first time!

Not that many but They/them pronounce; mainly AFAB

A throwback to Lesson 19 from the original game but tweaked it as well

Edit: ((There were minor changes cuz someone made a comment that pointed out to me how maybe some people didn’t understand what I was telling. Totally my fault ^^’🙏))

None of them ever understood why you turned into a sheep. It happened as soon as you first arrived to Devildom. But the more time they spent with you, they got used to it — some even forgetting you’re a human all together.

One day, most of the Brothers were sitting together in the living room. It was mostly quiet until Asmo brought the question: “Hey, What do you guys think MC looks like if they weren’t a sheep?”

It left them a bit dumbfounded that they hadn’t even thought about it. They got so used to you being a sheep so it kinda just slipped their mind. It also got them to start bickering a ton of what they thought you’d look like.

— “What’s with all the commotion?” A voice interrupts their conversation. Lucifer walks in with you in his hand, talk about perfect timing!

— “We were just talking about what MC looks like if they were in their human form.” Beel explains.

— “Oh right.. none of you have seen them.” Lucifer remarked, chuckling softly under his breath.

— “What does that mean?” Satan says with already irritation in his voice.

— “Well, it’s only right that I know what MC looks like. I was the one who picked them, after all.”

This got many of them heated! Jealous that Lucifer was pretty much the only one that knows. Mammon, Levi and Asmo were whining about how that’s not fair, Satan was gritting his teeth, and Beel along with Belphie just sat quietly watching the scene. They quieted down once you said, “I could just describe what I look like, y’know.”

All of them gathered around like a bunch of kindergartners getting ready to listen to a story book. They payed such close attention to every detail you said and tried to visualize it in their head to the best of their ability. It only made them even more eager to see you for themselves.

And it didn’t happen until the very last moments before you had to go back to the human realm..

… With a true loves kiss! >;D

Cliché, I know. - -’

Mammon

After dipping the House of Lamentation, he ends up in who knows where but more importantly, away from Levi. After he was done huffing for air, both of you start laughing from the absolute fun of stupidity you guys had. You couldn’t help but think about how odd it must’ve look from someone else’s perspective.

You two eventually eased off and took the time to catch your breaths. And then realize the beautiful view you guys have of Devildom. He sits you down gently on the thick stone fences while he rests his body on it. There was a short, soothing silence between the both of you — a soft, cool breeze blowing while you watching the city lights together. Mammon eventually brakes the silence and says,

“Y’know what? It’s always fun whenever you’re around.. I’m always smilin’ and laughin’ when we’re together. There’s never a dull moment..” he says softly; when you look up at him, he’s not looking at you but can tell he has a blush decorating his cheeks.

You smile at him warmly, before looking down at your tiny trotters. You were a sheep till the very end.. you had fun, but you can’t help but get a little sad thinking about it. Like just now, you would’ve been able to run away with him instead of being carried like a pillow.

“W-Who needs the human world, eh? You don’t gotta go back! I want you right here in Devildom, I want you here with me, all the time..!” Mammon looked straight at you, you perked up at him once he said that. He looked at you as if you were the greatest treasure he’s ever had. He wasn’t kidding around, such an unusually serious and determined face…, you felt butterflies in your stomach.

There was a silence again, you looked at him with in awe eyes. He slowly leans in, you leaning slightly forward.. letting whatever was going to happen, happen. Until finally, his lips reached you.

☁︎ —Poof— ☁︎

Light clouds suddenly surrounds you, Mammon was completely taken aback; and then he just freezes. When the clouds disperse, it revealed you.

You felt.. different. Blinked a couple of times before you looked down again. And to you completely surprise, the troopers you looked at but merely a few seconds ago were replaced with hands! You touched your face, your hair, your legs.. they were all back! You give a yell for joy, your curse has been broken! But then you also realize how you didn’t have any clothes on… you looked at mammon — who had his face completely red and eyes glued on you, completely frozen in place. Which made you freeze for a moment.

(Him)→ ╭( ⸝⸝๐_๐)╮ (○□○) ←(you)

— “AAAAAAAHHH!!!”

— “AAAAAAAHHH!!!”

You tried to cover yourself to the best of your ability; but first of all, you can’t really cover much. Second, he already saw everything! Both of you were very flustered, embarrassed, and still shocked by what just happened. You weren’t a sheep anymore! What’s up with that?!

Thankfully, Mammon at some point finally snaps out of it and covers you with his uniform’s blazer. You grip onto it tightly and covering yourself to the best of you ability. You mutter him a ‘Thank you’ under your breath. But both of you were still quite frantic, looking at each other with wide eyes while huffing to calm you nerves.

“Aha! …Found you!” A voice suddenly says from a short distance. It was Levi!

“Oh shit..”

“Mammon, Give me back my moneeey!!”

“Yikes! Time to go!” He says, lifting you up into his arms and making a run for it. And man did he run! He probably ran faster than when he was being chased by Lucifer. Levi didn’t see it coming’.

You were in a daze, you’ve been carried by him countless times.. but today you felt like a princess that’s been swooped by Prince Charming — a very peculiar one, but still charming.

He — at some point — stops running and hid in whatever corner he thought was good enough so that Levi wouldn’t find you two. With his back to the wall, he collapses to the ground. With you still in his arms but making sure you didn’t fall. You can’t help but laugh and pull him into a tight hug.

Mammon felt like his face was going to explode any second now, he just couldn’t believe that he was holding the actual you — and naked at that! But whatever was going through his head completely perished once he heard your lovely laugh. You were so happy.. embracing him with all your new found excitement. It felt like it was only the two of you in the whole word, so nothing else mattered.

“You broke my curse, Mammon!” You say. When I say this guy’s ego got inflated, I mean it. He felt like nothing could stop him now. That’s right! The great Mammon just did that! No one else!

He takes a closer look at you face; he always kept in mind all of the details you said that day, but you looked way better than what he had imagined. He couldn’t believe his eyes…

You suddenly pull him in and give him a passionate kiss; and oof, was he over the moon! After that one, he starts feeling greedy. Just one kiss isn’t enough..!

—☁︎

Later on, he bought you a few clothes since, of course, you didn’t have any. And decide to go back home.

When he went back to the House of Lamentation, he wanted nothing more than to just sneak in without his brothers knowing. But much to his dismay, Levi was already waiting for him at the gates. And when he realizes that the person he’s holding is you, he goes hysterical and now the rest of his brothers know..

“Oi, that’s enough! Step aside! Can’t ya see MC needs to get to their room??”

He’s always looked out for you.. from beginning to end. You felt like you were falling in love with him all over again. It was hard to believe that life here was coming to an end.. You want to make the most of it before having to go back home. But at the moment, you just wanted time to stay still, just for a moment..

End

I had a lot of fun writing this! So tysm for requesting it -🍓. Tho again, I’m sorry for not really completing what you asked for.. I still hope I was able to put a smile on your face! Take care~

[walk-to-gallows]

Mary was too much. The show spent to much time in the past they didn’t need to drag Mary back into their lives for MORE FAMILY DRAMA. There were so many options for Amara to grant Dean some wish or some desire that he wanted there was no reason to dig into his rat nest of a life and drag Mary from heaven as some gift to Dean. To me that was as bad as 11 or 12 seasons later we had to put up with meeting Sam’s imaginary friend. They didn’t ring us dry of Sam pity enough? Do we need something more weird from his life to ring the tears from us?

While I didn’t sit at home hating or blogging about her in some crazy negative way. I think I only made one post about her right after she appeared but I was happy to see her go.

Yeah, you're getting the full rant; Mary was a reclamation.

Like most horror media, Supernatural has a bad habit of fridging its female characters to give its male characters a fighting reason. Up until her resurrection, Mary was only present in the past, she was just a memory rather than a person, the perfect mother, perfect wife, perfect woman because she was dead.

Of course killing off a family member is a customary trick of the trade, it’s strong stuff for motivating your characters, but when your pilot opens with not one, but two female characters being killed for the sake of their male partners arc, there’s a problem there.

Mary’s return is important for many reasons. Her presence parallels Jack’s, the ghost of the past and the hope of the future, the undead and the newly born. She represents autonomy being given to women in horror, like Kelly Kline, these women aren’t just hills for men to die on anymore.

Mary is the beginning, she’s the start of it all. Her return was hardly heralded in a way that made us expect her, but she’s not a random prize. Mary’s death has been the catalyst of Sam and Dean’s entire life, and as they move on to the future, there’s a need for them to reconcile with the past, especially with Jack’s introduction.

From this ask and your next, I'm guessing you're much more a fan of Dean than Sam, and I won't lie, my preferences lie that way too, but I fear that you're letting your biases cloud your judgement.

Mary's return has much more to do with Dean than Sam, Dean was four when Mary died, he actually remembers her. Her return spurs a whole new arc for him where he has to come to terms with her absence in his life and the glorified version of her that he grew up with as a result of his young age, Dean feels abandoned by his mother both in the past and in the present.

And once again, with Jack's introduction and Dean's role as one of his parents, there's more for Dean to move through. Dean was incredibly involved in Sam's childhood, and yet now when he's an adult he find himself often emotionally unavailable like his own father was once.

Not to mention, Sam and Dean's lives have been tightly intertwined beyond what is normal for most siblings, they've spent years apart, but they've often only had each other to rely on. Most things that concern one of them will also concern the other. Yes, Mary's return gives Sam a chance to know his mother the way he was never able to, but it also gives Dean the opportunity to reconcile with his childhood, to say things to his mother he never thought he'd be able to say, to resolve a part of his life that has been an open, festering wound.

Dean lost his father to hunting, it's something he struggles to reconcile with (which is why 14x13 is so important but that's another rant). It's part of the reason he's defensive of Sam's criticism of John, because Dean remembers a time when John was attentive and gentle, and not the soldier he regressed to.

In season 1, we see Sam learn that side of John, the part of him that put away money into a college fund for his boys, that hoped for a future free from bloodshed, and he comes to terms with the loss of a father he had never gotten the chance to know.

This is what Dean gets with Mary, the chance to know his mother as she was, as a person and an individual. The resentment that Sam carried for John is comparable to that which Dean carries for Mary, it's a one-dimensional view of their parents, anger at what they weren't just as much as what they were. Dean blames Mary for his childhood, and while I don't think the culpability rests on her, it is that unresolved anger that brings his mother back to him.

Mary gets a second chance at life, Dean gets a second chance with his mother, and he brings her back to him. I really find it difficult to understand how so many people dismiss this plot line, because not only does it parallel the way Sam and Dean slowly lost their father to the hunting life, it is a direct result of Dean's lingering anger and grief that makes Mary their mother again. She avoids them, throws herself back into hunting because it's what's familiar in this world that has aged beyond her, and the guilt of seeing her boys, who have grown despite her absence, is too much to bear. Dean forces her past this guilt, he allows her to forgive herself because he hates her for being gone, but he loves her too, and her knowing that her absence now counts as much as her absence then is what changes everything.

The character writing in supernatural is something that can be so good, I hate to see the hate-train on Mary coming at full speed because she didn't live up to audience expectations (never mind that those expectations were based on snapshots of her from her grieving husband and sons, or the younger and "innocent" version of her). Anyway, you're free to dislike Mary, at the end of the day my opinion is my opinion and yours is your own, but the fact of the matter is that Mary's return was incredibly significant for the overall plot, and Dean's character arc and growth.

[cosmicanamnesis]

little self-indulgent fic that I'm posting without proofreading, enjoy

steddie, modern AU, idiots to lovers | read on ao3

"It's not a big deal!"

Eddie's crush on Steve was a secret both short-lived and ill-kept. His first mistake was telling the band. Well, no, his first mistake was forgetting that Gareth and Will were dating and that Gareth had the physical inability to keep his fucking mouth shut. But Eddie telling his closest, most trusted friends about the guy he liked was definitely Up There on the list of mistakes.

Which was how Eddie found himself mildly hungover drinking black coffee in his living room while Dustin paced up and down the length of the trailer, berating him for not confessing his doomed love to his alleged "favorite child" sooner.

"HOW is it not a big deal, Eddie?" Dustin said, just a few notches too loud for Eddie's looming headache.

"Because it's not! He doesn't like me! He's never gonna like me! I'm an adult, dude, I have critical thinking skills. I know how to pick my battles."

"It's not- Eddie," Dustin suddenly went stone faced. "It's not about your chances with him. You're moving in with him. He deserves to know."

Oh yeah. There was that. Robin was starting college and there was no way she wasn't taking her Emotional Support Pretty Boy with her. The only place they could find was a 2-bed just slightly out of their budget, and had asked Eddie if he wanted to join them, finally striking out on their own in the city. The agreement was that Steve and Robin would share the bigger bedroom, and Eddie would get the smaller room to himself. Their move-in date was less than a week out when Eddie made his inebriated love confession at his quote-unquote Going-Away-Party.

"It's not about what he deserves, man!" Eddie said, sinking back into the couch. He rubbed his eyes hard to try and relieve some of the pressure building in his head and sighed. "If I don't say anything to him, nothing changes. If I tell him, everything changes!"

"Oh, please. Steve's an adult too, dude, if we tell him you like him but you're well aware that he doesn't like you, he won't make it weird!"

"Wait wait wait, hold up. Rewind. We? Who is we?"

"You and me!" The boys stared at each other in bewilderment for a moment. "Oh come on, Eddie, we both know that if I don't sit here and watch you do it, you're just gonna lie and say you told him when you actually just hid under a blanket listening to Metallica and wishing you had the balls to-"

"OKAY!" Eddie yelled, loud enough for the very shock of his volume to trigger his headache in full force. "Jesus H., kid, you don't need to call me out like that. Fuck. Fine. I'll do it right now, how about that?"

Eddie pulled his phone out and Dustin dropped down hard on the couch next to him, arms already crossed, smug satisfaction already settled on his face.

"That's what I'm talking about!" Dustin scoffed. "Here's what you should say-"

Eddie held up a hand to cut him off. "I'm not listening to you anymore. You had one long distance girlfriend ONCE, you're not some kind of Cassanova here… oh, son of a bitch."

"Son of a bitch what?" Dustin asked, scooting closer to read over Eddie's shoulder.

"I can't do this right now… The last thing I sent him was asking his opinion on the D&D movie and he hasn't responded yet."

"What the absolute fuck does that have to do with any of this?"

"Well I can't be like hey what's your opinion on this movie you know I love because I'm the one who told you to watch it, also I'm in love with you but it's no big deal. Like, what the fuck is that?"

"Oh… Yeah, you have a point." Dustin shifted back away from Eddie, covering his mouth with one hand in concentration.

"I mean… It can wait-"

"It can, but it shouldn't, dude! Shit… I mean, I could tell him, if you want."

Dustin had expected an outright "no" and was shocked when Eddie paused, apparently seriously considering the option.

"Actually… Yeah, could you?"

"Sure, but I'm not letting you see what I say until after I send it."

"You drive a hard bargain…" Eddie said, drumming his fingers on his knee. "Fine. Go for it."

Eddie stood and grabbed his coffee off the table, wandering slowly towards the kitchen, both to find some ibuprofen and to quell his temptation to watch Dustin quickly type a message to Steve.

"Okay. Sent. Now you can look," Dustin announced, beckoning Eddie back over as he downed the medicine. Eddie felt like he'd never moved so fast in his life. The message read,

Eddie wants you to know, before you move in together, he has a crush on you. he won't make it weird if you dont

As Eddie read, the three dots that meant Steve was typing popped up. Suddenly Eddie regretted ever agreeing to this, and pushed Dustin's hand and phone away so he wouldn't have to see Steve's rejection first-hand.

"He responded… Do you wanna know what he said?" Dustin said. Eddie was leaning hard against the armrest of the couch, staring into nothing, imagination running wild.

"Yeah, hit me," he said.

"Oh, alright. Thank you for telling me," Dustin read. "I don't feel the same way about him. I assume you talked to him about telling me."

"So he gets back to you right away but he won't tell me- oh. Never mind. He just responded to my text." Eddie was doing his best to not feel completely devastated by Steve's frankly predictable response to Dustin's text.

"So… What did he think of the movie?"

—

"Uh… Rob?"

"Yeah?"

"Um… Come here and… Just read this."

Steve and Robin were taking a break from packing up Steve's childhood bedroom in preparation for the move when Dustin's text came through. She quickly chugged the last of her soda and came around to Steve's side to see what he was seeing.

"Oh," she said, not bothering to conceal her surprise. "I mean… We knew this was a possibility."

"Yeah, I guess, but… What do I say? I don't like him like that."

"Then say you don't like him like that, dingus. He's probably breathing down Dustin's neck right now waiting to see what you say."

"Yeah, you're probably right…" Steve said. He typed and backspaced and typed something else until Robin got sick of watching and grabbed the phone out of his hand to answer Dustin's text for him.

"Just trust me!" Robin said, actively walking away from Steve as he sputtered indignances, chasing after her halfheartedly. As soon as she sent the text, she turned and shoved the phone roughly back to Steve's chest.

"Oh… Yeah, okay, that makes more sense than anything I was trying to say…" Steve conceded, reading the text Robin sent on his behalf.

—

Steve, Robin, and Eddie saw each other next when they were loading up the U-Haul. No one said anything, and Steve tried as hard as he could to act like nothing was different. It put Eddie's mind at ease while simultaneously driving Robin nuts.

Since Dustin sent the secondhand confession, the only thing Steve had on his mind was Eddie, and how he definitely didn't reciprocate Eddie's feelings, how he was definitely bisexual but Eddie… Eddie wasn't his type. He was pretty, sure, but he was so… Himself. He was loud and unapologetic and into things Steve had never even heard of. They had nothing in common besides their love for the kids.

But Robin saw it coming a mile away.

"It" finally came to fruition a month after they had all moved in together.

It turned out, Steve and Eddie were practically the same person. Same sense of humor, same taste in TV, they even took their coffee the same way. They really only differed in their music tastes, fashion, and theater snack preferences. 

Robin got the text in the middle of her French class.

shmuck: i think i have a crush on eddie

bobbin: FINALLY. please just kiss him and put me out of my misery

Steve came out of the kitchen, bag of chips in hand, to see Eddie just as he'd left him: cross-legged on the couch, demolishing a bag of Sour Patch Kids to the tune of the Criminal Minds theme music. He tucked his phone into his back pocket and rejoined his maybe-crush to watch trash TV until Robin came home.

He didn't know why he was so nervous. He knew Eddie liked him. There wasn't a chase here, he didn't have to flirt or try to win Eddie over… He just had to say yes and Eddie was his. It was different from any other relationship he'd ever been in. Maybe that was why it was so scary. Because it was new.

They watched the episode and bantered back and forth about it, same as always. But before the next episode could start, Steve hit pause.

"Bathroom break?" Eddie asked, hugging a throw pillow to his chest.

"No, uh…" Steve started, unable to even look Eddie in the face. "No… Can I… Can I kiss you?"

Eddie didn't answer right away, which finally inspired Steve to really look at him. His expression was completely unreadable.

"Uh… Yeah, I mean. Yes, absolutely. Um. But what happened to you don't like me like that?" It was such an Eddie response, Steve could almost laugh.

"I, um… I guess I spoke too soon," Steve laughed, trying to be cool and suave and everything else people thought he was in high school. Eddie brought the pillow up to hide his expression.

"Really?" he asked, muffled behind the pillow so that Steve almost couldn't hear him.

"Yeah, really. Just… Since you told me-"

"Dustin told you," Eddie corrected.

"Whatever… I dunno, I guess it put the idea in my head and now… I haven't been able to stop thinking about it… About you- what?"

Eddie was giggling quietly behind the throw pillow, gently rocking himself back and forth as Steve talked. 

"Nothing," Eddie mumbled into the pillow. "Go on."

"You're such a pain in the ass, y'know that?" Steve laughed again. "Can I kiss you or not?"

Eddie slowly moved the pillow away from his face to set it aside, revealing himself to be smiling like an idiot as he turned slightly to face Steve better.

"You understand I've been uselessly pining after you for like, two months now, right? Please kiss me, oh my god."

—

Dustin's phone lit up with a Snapchat notification; a message from Eddie to the D&D group chat. He expected a meme, or for Eddie to ask Jeff for a ride somewhere because his van broke down again.

Instead, it was a picture of Eddie looking smug, leaning against Steve's chest. Steve, apparently unaware he was having his picture taken, had his fingers tangled up in Eddie's curls. The text overlay simply read "hey guys guess what."

The first reply came from Gareth, a picture of him leaning against Will in the exact same position as Eddie was with Steve. "Gross," it said.

Dustin rolled his eyes. Eddie was about to get so much more insufferable.

[rageprufrock]

Sneak Peak: MLC Fanfic

I have so many chores to do so instead I am on tumblr posting this little snippet instead because adulthood is a SCAM.

Anyway, please have some in-progress modern AU where Jiao Liqiao hits Di Feisheng with a car.

The whole thing starts when Jiao Liqiao hits Di Feisheng with an orange Hummer outside of the Alliance Security headquarters while he's on the phone with Li Lianhua.

***

Six hours later, Li Lianhua is sitting around in Di Feisheng's hospital room dressed like someone's dad's dirty uncle best friend: beat up pajama pants, a shirt he'd grabbed at random hearing the shriek of tires through the phone line, and a pair of Fang Duobing's fucking sky blue Adidas slides he'd stolen as he'd bolted out the door.

"It's not that I want to criticize you, lao-Di," Li Lianhua says, critically, "but I told you to run that woman out of town as soon as humanly possible at least five times."

Di Feisheng, who's been provided pain medication and is angry about it, busies himself with glaring at the ceiling. 

"Now look at you," Li Lianhua goes on, like a bastard, "you've got a hairline fracture in your foot, you've got a broken leg, three cracked ribs, a low grade concussion, and also you're the top four trending tags on Weibo." 

That these are factual statements does not make Li Lianhua's continued, unwanted presence in Di Feisheng's hospital room any less insufferable. 

"Alliance Security CEO accident," Li Lianhua reads off his phone. "Alliance CEO car crash. Alliance CEO crazy girlfriend. Alliance CEO handsome." 

Di Feisheng's head lolls around so he can center a wild-eyed glare at Li Lianhua.

"Why are you here?" he asks through gritted teeth.

Li Lianhua squints at him. "Can you be considered human?" he demands. "There I was, enjoying my Saturday morning like a normal person—"

"You were calling me to complain that our CDN felt 'kind of slow,' like an asshole," Di Feisheng corrects.

"—and then I hear you yelling and the sounds of vehicular violence," Li Lianhua goes on. "Any person with a heart would be concerned."

"Fang Duobing made you come," Di Feisheng says.

"Fang Duobing made me come," Li Lianhua agrees.

"Well I'm not dead, so you can leave now," Di Feisheng mutters.

"'As someone who has also wanted to hit their boss with a car, but never truly had the courage, I respectfully acknowledge Jiao Liqiao as my master and will endeavor to serve her as a faithful student in all things,'" Li Lianhua reads, going back to scrolling through Weibo. "'I never want to know the truth or any details about why she did it. Just that she hit this beautiful mean-faced millionaire with a car is enough. I would die for her.'"  

Di Feisheng goes back to staring at the ceiling and begins to systematically reflect on the wrongs that have led to specific terrible moment. This begins with lingering resentment over college scheduling that had put him in a 9:30 programming basics class with Li Xiangyi and concludes with admitting that perhaps Fang Duobing had been right when he'd said, two years ago, "A'Fei, you can't just tell a woman it's fine if she's in love with you and that you guys can keep working together but that it's none of your business." But at that point, Fang Duobing was still the infant Li Xiangyi was fucking as some kind of weird post mental breakdown enrichment activity, and seemed like a poor source of professional counseling. In the years since, Di Feisheng can admit that while Fang Duobing continues to be an infant Li Xiangyi is fucking as a weird post mental breakdown enrichment activity, he has a sharp and nuanced emotional intelligence—as long as it has nothing to do with his profoundly repulsive attachment to Li Xiangyi. 

"Miss Jiao is going to get some truly staggering letters in jail," Li Lianhua observes with audible admiration in his voice. For not the first and likely not the last time, Di Feisheng swears never to answer another phone call or text message from this bastard again.  

"If you like her so much, you should hire her once she's served her time," he mutters through gritted teeth. The sharp edge of pain is starting to break through the drugs, but he feels clearer, sharper, less like he's trying to hear shouting through the rush of a flowing river. "Is there a reason you're still hanging around here?" 

Li Lianhua slants him a look, beaming with charity. "Now don't get shy, A'Fei—"

"Stop calling me A'Fei," Di Feisheng snaps.

"—I came in a DiDi, so Xiaobao is coming to pick me up," Li Lianhua finishes. "You'll be back to your peace and blessed quiet soon." 

Which is of course the precise moment that little treasure of Li Lianhua's pokes his abominably sunny little face into the doorway of the sickroom and declares, all smiles:

"Okay! I just finished with the nursing jiejies! They’re wrapping up your discharge paperwork and we should be able to take you home with us this afternoon.” 

“What,” Di Feisheng and Li Lianhua say.

[bless-my-demons]

I just wanted to let you know that I am WAY too hooked on Redamancy that I keep just being like I wanna read angst? Oh, it's time to read Chapters 14 and 15! Like, come on, how can you take these okay characters from a weird ass series and turn it into something like this? I honestly think you are doing better than smeyer did! I also hope that soon things get to chill out, and we can see some half fun times with Jas and Emmet! Stay hydrated and well fed!!!

Omg when I tell you this ask made my heart SOAR😭 I’ve loved this series since I first saw the movies in high school (I just aged myself, RIP), but I always imagined them… different than SMeyer did; I’m re-watching the movies this week and I keep noticing what I would’ve done differently. Also, sparkles? You’ll never catch me mentioning that lmao honestly I just take her baseline for the characters/story and make it make sense in my eyes. And honestly I think it’s just the difference in vibes from 10 years ago to now - what we want in romance, perception of paranormal (not that anything about this is realistic, but making it more believable), and having time to criticize the saga.

Jasper is my Roman Empire, he is such a complex character - they all are! They deserve better storylines and just more overall, I just love writing my thoughts with him. But it’s like a coin, the other side is the wolves - more specifically Paul👀 oh my god I don’t even know where to start with the wolves, there’s so much. And I do have a doc started for Paul for after Jasper (there might not be a true and final ‘after’, but like once I crank out BD part 2) for when I can focus my energy on that instead of trying to split it with Redamancy, it’s full of ideas, things I wished we had gotten - especially with imprint relationships. Ugh and then I have that pre-vampire Jasper WIP that’s unrelated to Redamancy🙈 how the fuck do people organize their thoughts to do multiple series at the same time lol

The last part of your ask I’ve been thinking about since I posted Ch29, do you guys like the in-between? Like, the stuff between the timeline events that’s not in the books/movies? I’m always so worried about those parts, because if improperly done, I’m worried you guys are waiting for me to get to the point-to the shit you know is going to happen. Like the grad party, the newborn army fight, big plot points like that; versus the little injects like spending time with Quil, or Emmett, or reader’s mom, those things? I promise those little things have meaning down the road (some for the plot, some to just add angst/fluff/or to just fix SM’s holes) but I’m curious about your guys’ opinions! I’ve definitely read some fics that have had plot fluff that I’ve skipped because I just wanted the meat and I don’t want to bore you guys with that shit if I’m not writing it correctly enough😅

I also just love asks like this that make me think deeper about the story, because it definitely influences and inspires my writing lol thanks love🫶

[flower-boi16]

I would like to ask what your opinion is on MDHWrites's blog, or some of his most comprehensive takes criticizing the show at large, for he's covered a lot of ground. What is your regard for his opinions, if you have seen it.

The second I saw this ask pop up in my inbox my thought was "should I even answer this?". On one hand, I would like to express my opinions on Writes' TOH takes since I have er...strong feelings about some of them, but on the other hand part of me still feels a bit iffy about it.

For my 200+ followers who don't know who tf this anon is talking about; MDHWrites is a tumblr user who makes a heavy amount of posts critisizing TOH, he's kind of the most well-known TOH critic on this site, at least in the TOH critical commuinity (and yes, TOH has a critical commuinity).

I remember once randomly stumbling across Writes' blog when I was new to tumblr and first discovered that critical tags were a thing and I started reading some of his posts. I don't remember exactly what all the posts I read said but I do vaguely remember some of the points Writes' made in the posts.

This was at a time where I kinda just accepted critisicm of things I liked rather than actually thinking about the validetly of the takes, and since Writes' posts sounded proffesional enough (and because I went on the toh critical tag and watched videos critisizing the show WAY too much) I think I kinda just forgot why I liked the show in the first place...? I know that sounds weird but I first watched TOH when I was 13 (I'm 14 now) and my analysis skills were still developing at the time.

A couple of months later after I rewatched The Owl House and fell back in love with the show leading me to grow an attatchment to it that was stronger than ever before I thought back to Writes' posts and decided to revist his blog and read a handful of posts out of curiosity to see what his points were. And...I thought going in that there might be some good points about the show but...I can't really say I agree with any of his takes.

While I don't Writes' TOH takes are Lily Orchard levels of infuriatingly media illiterate, and Writes' doesn't look like a bad person...I don't think his TOH takes are that good. They sounded professional at first but everytime I think about them I notice more holes. That's all I'm going to say. I don't want to cover Writes' TOH takes in detail because I know some might alert him of this post, he'll see it and I'll end up starting an argument I don't really want that.

I guess I'll just say that I think his comments about the understood scene in the posts I read feel like he completely missed the point of it. The scene is meant to be a moment of realization for Luz of what she truely wanted, it's not intended to be a "character finish" and just because she realized what ultimately wanted doesn't mean that her self-loathing and guilt of helping Belos is just going to go away.

He even goes as far as to say it doesn't matter to Luz as a character in his post about filler in TOH, where he labled several episodes that are extremely important for outside context as "filler" by the standards of the general commuinity that complains about Amphibia's filler (that post is a whole other can of worms that I don't want to get into) which is just....baffling.

I could also get into things like Writes' takes on Luz's depression arc or his post about Waffles or his post about grom factor (a fan comic by moringmark) but again I don't want to say anymore things here beyond that.

I just don't agree with most of the takes that Writes has on the show. I will say sometimes he makes interesting points like his post about why the boiling isles woulden't work as a setting to a sequel series which does raise some valid points and his analysis of Boscha's "redemption" on my post that he reblogged was fairly interesting (though his reasons for Luz reaching out to the collector not making any sense weren't valid to me) but overall I don't care for his TOH takes.

[gloriousburden]

Dw about the long response!! I'm happy to read everything :) And goodness I agree on so many levels! I ended up criticizing so much I had to cut this a little short, since I often start rambling in between, but … What got to me the most were these aspects that were either treated poorly or weren’t thought of at all (You might’ve seen these already so … U don’t have to answer, again, hh ((though I am happy to hear your thoughts if you have anything to say or just thought of stuff!))):

Loki’s heritage - I … I don’t know man. I guess we don’t care he’s a frost giant. That definitely didn’t mess him up. No. Not a mention of what happened while he was exiled or when he was with Thanos. These are such big events in his life. Like, enormously big. (Also him trying to end it at the end of Thor 1... man...) It’s trauma after trauma, and in the Avengers and TDW it’s quite easy to see how they affected him too, since he is so different compared to Thor 1. And no, I don’t mean to say he was an innocent baby before ofc - you already tackled that argument on another post quite well, and I’d like to add that it’s literally how he AND Thor grew up. It’s not just Loki. Sure after the trip to Midgard Thor comes back different since he learned shit but before that?? We saw how Thor acted. They took from Odin, afterall, who participated in numerous wars - it’s obvious. They’re morally gray characters - both Loki and Thor. And what made it worse is that Thor and Odin’s wrongdoings were “justified” while the moment Loki did anything he got all types of repercussions - which all of them should’ve had really. You're putting three people together, all of them made similar mistakes but only one of them is getting yelled at. Everytime. And the other two are praised for it. Why can Thor and Odin do it and he can't? If the heroes do it it's for the greater good ... but Loki's a monster, right?

TVA and just … Sylvie and Mobius. A mess. I actually didn’t like the concept of the TVA a lot, and the whole storyline in general but I won’t get into that or else it turns too long - so I’ll just focus on these two and some of Loki’s aspects. He just … “opens up” to these guys. When he … just came from an awful background. Family trauma, him being a Jotunn (another thing they fucked up, no magic? why isn’t he blue then) and all the shit he went through with Thanos. He’s captive yet again. Like everything is just repeating - I think that’d be quite traumatic and he surely wouldn’t talk about anything with them. Also whenever he spoke about his “troubles” it just felt like it was more to explain it to the viewers rather than the characters? Like it wasn’t subtle and sometimes it just felt out of place for me. Could be that I don’t remember well, but still. What was allat. Idk how to explain, I hope you get it lol

While I won’t deny some moments with Mobius did make me grin because Owen Wilson just brings a smile to my face, it’s… Yeah, no. How is Loki already “opening up” to this guy. Why is he letting him do all of that. What’s going on. He’s one of your captors. CAPTORS. Wtf. I think you also covered this in another ask. Sorry if I'm repeating things hh

Sylvie I don’t even know how to go in that argument. I was devastated. I don’t think I have the words. Not only was everything so fast and I despised this weird toxic self-cest ship because … Wtf. Not to mention how quick it all was, they jumped to a "romantic" route after what, 1 or 2 conversations and Loki suddenly "catches feelings" for someone who's an alternate version of himself (which let's be honest it's only because they decided Sylvie was going to be a woman, but they had to mess that up too - another concept they handled HORRIBLY since Loki's gender is fluid and it shouldn't be so shocking for her to be female?? Especially to him and all Loki's variants?? Why is it even an argument!! I know I shouldn’t be surprised because it’s Disney and Marvel but fuck!! [[not even sure anymore since I read that Sylvie cannot shapeshift… Idk if it’s true, again doesn’t make any sense]]) which by itself is so illogical and makes no damn sense. Most shows just handle romance and relationships like ass and I can’t believe people actually like it. Especially since this is all … Toxic?? Not even romance. Gosh I have no words because of how messy it all was.

Also little observation, I’m a little slow and I don’t know if someone mentioned this already but right at the beginning of the series the introduction is almost symbolic in a sense, lol. He’s shown with shorter and different hair compared to the Avengers, which might seem little, don't get me wrong, but … still. Maybe I’m picky with details, however it is already a change. Then, some moments later, he’s shed of his Asgardian fit too and placed in a variant uniform. Again, obvious things. But really, they decided to just. Pick his character and make … a complete new one. It’s like making an OC after putting so many headcanons on a character that it’s not even THAT character anymore, it’s just… An OC. Definitely not voluntary, it just something I noticed lol

And clearly they show it later in the episode that it’s exactly what happens. He’s just mocked continuously, which is one thing that irked me a lot like you, because it kept going and going, it wasn’t just a moment, no, they kept going with that. What's the point of the series?? Where's the development?? None of these characters grew. None.

There’s probably more but … I don’t wanna write no more lol. I’m probably gonna start reading the comics too. They seem far more promising.

Thanks for listening again!! :D Hope you're doing well btw!!

No exactly. Loki’s heritage, a FUNDAMENTAL ASPECT OF HIS CHARACTER, has not ever been spoken about again unless it was to mock him. I wasn’t expecting them to full on show his Jotun form or anything of that sort, but you know what, maybe I expected them to talk about it in a non humorous manner for a second or two. Considering the fact it plays a HUGE part in who Loki is. Him only being a political pawn to Odin, instead of being a son to him as he thought, is why he is the way he is. You cannot excuse or undermine that. It is just as (if not more) important as “Ohhhh Loki’s jealous of Thor..” because it is literally the source. It’s the explanation.

There is a reason he was raised with inadequate care, and it wasn’t just because Thor was stronger physically or because he fit the image of the Asgardian ideal more than Loki did.

Loki was never meant to be loved, period. It wasn’t because of his mischievous nature. It wasn’t because of him gravitating towards magic and sharp weapons rather than brute strength. It was because when he was a baby on Jotunheim, he was taken in as a future pawn, instead of as a son to be loved despite any differences or despite how he grows up.

Getting to what you said about Thor and Odin being able to be heroes, while Loki is a villain no matter what he does… it is because Loki is only there to move the plot forward. Even if he does something reasonable, or something that could even be seen as heroic, it does not matter because he is not worthy of being seen as a hero. He’s only there to be a rival to Thor. In Odin’s eyes, he cannot be loved or praised, because the image of worthiness was always far from Loki’s own image.

The series was never meant to be about Loki. It was meant to pave the way for the Multiverse saga(?) and to introduce the next big enemy (Kang the Conqueror) but we all know how that went. You can drive yourself crazy with MANY questions like… oh, how did they forget this? How did they disregard that? Because Marvel just needed a pre-existing character to fuck up, get captured by the TVA, and everything else that happens. It’s not Loki specific, because why would Marvel ever do anything good for not only Loki but Tom Hiddleston who’s put so much care and love into playing Loki?

Why would they talk about Loki’s encounter with Thanos, the events of Avengers, the events of Thor? This is supposed to be Loki STRAIGHT OUT OF THE AVENGERS, and they didn’t talk about it besides insulting him. We didn’t get any POV from Loki. Nothing. If we didn’t get a Loki’s POV on the events he’s just gone through, why would it do him any kind of justice? WHY WOULD THEY TALK ABOUT HIS HERITAGE?

The only way the series could work, is for Loki to be dumbed the fuck down and at a disadvantage. Even if he is without his abilities/weapons, Loki is VERY intelligent. If this was ACTUALLY Loki, his ass would’ve manipulated his way out of there with EASE. Marvel has always downplayed how intelligent Loki is, of course they’d do it in a series that is supposed to uplift him. It’s only Loki that gets dumbed down in his own series.

The no magic at the TVA thing… I don’t even know man. I’m going to assume the contradiction is due to the writers forgetting/disregarding anything that’s relevant to Loki’s character once again as well as them not being able to CGI Tom Hiddleston blue for however many hours the series runs for. They could’ve at least gave some kind of bullshit excuse for it. I’ve seen some theorize that Odin’s spell was just that powerful, or that it changed Loki biologically permanently or something. I don’t really remember please forgive me lol there’s posts made by others on here with more information if you are interested. I just think of it as them not caring about Loki once again.

Please do not apologize! The reason I make posts is so I can further discuss my points with others. I love hearing from everyone, and I really appreciate this ask! Forgive me for not getting to it sooner. I’ve been busy, and also wanted to make sure all of this made sense before posting. If you want to discuss anything that I’ve previously spoken of, I genuinely would love to and would appreciate it. I’m glad that people actually listen to what I have to say lol

They had to speed run the development of every relationship in order for the plot to work out, so that’s why Loki, known for not trusting others as well as being known as someone who shouldn’t be trusted, was opening up to a complete stranger (WHO WORKS FOR AN AUTHORITY) who was holding him captive, and insulting him every chance he got.

Also the “I’ve studied every aspect of your life” thing about Mobius is so weird to me??? You did that, but do not understand Loki at all and insult him??? Asshole. I hate that guy.

The concept of the series is SO fucking stupid in the first place. Not sure if you know this, but a good chunk of the plot is a screenplay/scrapped project Michael Waldron wrote a while back. Once again, Loki was never the focus of any of this. It was not written with him in mind. He needed a strong female lead, and a “male” lead to project his own plot onto basically. They just recycled it.

“The worst guy of all time and the girl who came to kill him” [Link]

It is so fucking bad, and it makes so much sense.

Sylvie… she’s definitely a character! Like she’s played by an actress, has lines, and stuff…

There is so much to be said about her. Waldron is HORRIBLE at writing women (as you can tell by the horrendous screenplay I’ve linked) and the entire concept of her character is dumb as fuck. I believe I’ve said this before, but she’s like three pre-existing characters mashed into one to keep her unique/distinctive from Loki, YET SHE BRINGS NOTHING INTERESTING TO THE SERIES AT ALL!!! HOW ARE YOU THREE CHARACTERS, BUT SO BORING??? Can Sylvie really not shapeshift? I didn’t know that. She’s literally… a Loki. That makes no fucking sense not only because of Loki in the MCU/comics, but also because of Norse Mythology Loki. The literal origins.

About Loki’s gender/sex being fluid… they never cared about that which is why Loki (and the other variants) were so fucking baffled that Sylvie was female. Not going to lie, It kind of felt misogynistic to me. A variant of Loki being in a female form could’ve been really cool, but the MCU has to fuck up anything related to female characters.

The romance… 😃

Man, the motive behind it is so fucking stupid too. Self love, because Loki has always loved himself guys. He’s so narcissistic!!! Of course he would fall in love with a female variant of himself. Because he’s so self obsessed.

Loki, ONCE AGAIN, a character known for not trusting others, would SOOOOO fall in love with someone he just met. He’s been lied to numerous times in his life by people he loved and trusted, but it’s very logical for him to fall in love with someone who’s done nothing but belittle him for a few interactions.

He had more chemistry with that book he was reading in his cell in TDW then he did with Sylvie. (or Mobius for that matter.)

Omg yessss I ship them so hard!! That’s what they sound like. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I think that “toxic” relationships can SOMETIMES be written decently in fiction, but this… 😁

Sylvie just constantly belittles Loki, and he doesn’t even belittle or mock her back! It could’ve been playful and not one sided, but if Loki dared to belittle Sylvie the way she did to him, her entire character would make no sense and every flaw would have to be given a second thought. Something the writers would never do.

They didn’t point out each other’s flaws, it was only Sylvie pointing out Loki’s. Same thing with every other character interaction Loki had in the series. It was all about “humbling” him, and no one else. AND THE SERIES IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT HIM!

I personally do not like romance in fiction in general, but GOODNESS is the MCU exceptionally horrible at handling it.

(Changed color of the ss because it was blending in with my own text lol)

No, this… this is spot on.

I’ve always thought of this as well. It put such a bad taste in my mouth. But, at least they were honest about how the series was going to go from the beginning. The first thing they do is strip him (literally) of who he is in every way possible. His personality, his armor, and his hair isn’t even the same. No because Loki really is just a base character for their shitty story. How anyone who claims to like Loki cannot see the symbolism you mentioned, as well as him NOT BEING LIKE HIMSELF WHATSOEVER, I don’t know… it was the first thing I noticed, and when I watched the series, I had probably only watched the movies featuring him a few times. That’s how stark the difference was to me.

ALSO THIS?????

EXACTLY! IT FELT LIKE IT WAS MORE TO EXPLAIN IT TO THE VIEWERS RATHER THAN THE CHARACTERS!!!!!! That is an amazing point, and I’ve been trying to put that into words. Everything is just so fucking disconnected and unnatural feeling. The interactions are so fake. HORRENDOUS WRITING. I didn’t know it could get this bad.

Once again, so sorry for not getting to this sooner. Thank you so much for the ask, and I appreciate your thoughts! You made a lot of good points, and you don’t need to apologize for anything. Feel more than welcome to send asks any time you’d like! ❤️

[dearweirdme]

Responding to some of the comments from my last mole anon ask I'm not new to the group but I am new to the ship. I first started listening to the group around 2018 but watching stuff like Run and the festas a few yrs later and from that, I wouldn't have guessed taekook were dating or even one of the closest friendship. They seemed touchy yeah but i think that for the whole group tbh. It wasn't really until solo era that I started focusing more on fan stuff. I'd say before that I was more fo a casual fan who enjoyed watching the content but wasn't really desperate to see everything bts. Like I knew the basics and the memes but never really was inclined to delve any further and my knowledge of shipping was mostly critical. I did see some of the narratives in the backlash to shipping such as taekook being less close than other members and with (what I now know is edited) official content reinforcing that, it was much easier to believe that than a secret taekook love affair.

But Layover turned out to be one of my favorite albums because it was closest to my musical tastes and culture of music i grew up with and so I started hitting up twitter and specifically searching stuff up to discuss more about tae and his musical influences coz I thought he did such a great job with that album and had some real soul in it despite not being raised in that culture or country of that kind of music. And I think because of the algorithms and how popular taekook is that's when I started seeing my taekook posts pop up on my timeline and from a ship critical perspective, I brushed most of as delulu coz wlmy first exposure of ships being discussed in fandom was that it was weird and inappropriate to ship.

And the stuff that I did see out of morbid curiosity (and I admit it wasn't a lot at that time) just really validated the 'fake' accusations because it was all slow mo'd edits and taekook seemed to have 7 different anniversary dates according to the taekook stuff I read so it was seeming more like shippers were just trying to fit a circle onto a square hole or something. Plus I'd see people responding to those slo mo edits with the real time links and that made it seem even faker.

The I recently saw the mole video on twitter that brought me here and that was the first thing were I couldn't really rationalise it with a platonicary answer because one of the first things I can remember doing in a relationship is laying in bed counting and mapping each others marks and freckles.

So that to me seemed just highly romantic for a couple of bros.

Except I lost the video on twitter so I tried YouTube to find it, nothing. Searched the Internet on general, nothing and I ended up stumbling across this blog. I think I discovered while browsing after seeing a response to an ask that I thought sounded fair enough a d really kinda middle ground for a shipper. It was framed as like 'idnk for sure but here's what I think' and after looking for the link and coming across people who were more definitive in their theories and stuff, I thought somewhere like here would be the best place to ask for the info.

Because at that point, shipping didn't have any good associations to me and I wasn't really comfortable with my own speculation that the mole vid was leaving me with but I also couldn't stop second guessing my own first reaction to deny, deny, deny and make an excuse for it.

So my intentions really were to post here, get a link to the vid, watch it again and be like 'oh yeah, that's been blown out of proportion. No ships sailing here' like I had when people sent those real time links in response to ship edit videos.

(Except we all know what happened next)

While waiting for a response which came pretty quickly, I was looking up for more info on taekook in general and was coming up with mostly horse shit but I was also noticing the more reasoned stuff now that I was actively looking for it.

And in the response, DWM mentioned and tagged the taekook timeline which really topped off me taking a second look at the ship because again it was presented as kinda 'this is what I think, beware, I could be just high on delusional and this whole post could be wish fulfilment but here's what happened and what I think' and angles like that I can appreciate because I find it way more trustworthy than someone presenting a theory as fact which is what it felt like taekook lyves was doing a lot of, imo.

The timeline really sealed the deal for me, tbh, because seeing all their interactions in one place and running on concurrent really blew the hinges off the 'distance' narrative.

Which lead me to the ultimate question which I think is the fossil fuel that taekook sails on; what's with all the fucking secrecy and what's bighit hiding??

Because to me and with the timeline on front of me there was no distance on their distant relationship.

And so I've recently started a rewatch of some of their biggest hits. Like I started with bon voyage and I'm kicking myself and wondering why I didn't consider stuff like the room choosing situation in Bon Voyage Morrocoo or Malta wherever they were, more closely. I can't even explain why I just took it at face value as a joke because looking back JK made it so damn obvious.

And I started noticing the subtleties of their touching and the lack of space. I think part of me started reqatching the BV and Run episodes to be kinda proven right that there was nothing more to the ship and I was being delulu but the more I watch, the more Im starting to notice and those fossil fuel questions keep popping up in my mind.

And as a logical creature who said taekook isn't real when I couldn't see anything proving it, I can't then refuse to consider the possibility that it might be real now that I'm seeing stuff that I consider legit proof or support of a relationship.

As for theories, I don't want it to come across like I'm acting smarter or more superior than anyone else because I think everyone is working off theories even the people who don't believe in it because none of us know these guys or their lives but I don't like when theories are pushed as fact or manipulated or framed as the only possible conclusion to a question. Like could I make another theory as to why taekook ate mapping out each others moles, yeah, course I could but based on my own experience perception and no real clear arguement otherwise etc---the romantic reason is still the strongest supported to me.

So I don't have anything against theories just the way they're framed.

So yeah I guess that's my looong (sorry) story about how I accidently became a taekook shipper.

Hi again mole anon!

It’s really nice to hear your story actually. I think skepticism is definitely a good way to get into this. Also, props to Kayla @taekooktimeline for documenting so well 💜.

[thoroughlymodernminutia]

This Christmas - Prequel

Pairing: Benny "Borracho" Magalon x F!Reader

Word count: 8,219

Summary: This is a prequel of sorts to this from last year. It’s basically the how Benny and the reader met, etc

Warnings: Mostly Hallmark-style fluffy stuff, lots of pining, but brief mention of loss, guilt, some foul language. If I missed anything else let me know and I'll add it in. 

A/N: I don’t know folks, I started writing this and was really chugging along and had a whole plan for how I wanted this to be. Then I got sick with everyone’s favorite illness from 2020 and lost a lot steam. I found, I think, a happy compromise with myself because I wanted to post this before Christmas (self imposed deadlines am I right?) and realized I can always I don’t know, post more parts of it later?? I am my own worst critic so if you read this and it isn’t your jam, please don’t say anything lol I’ve probably already thought it, so it would be redundant! Also, clearly, I do not know the proper use of a semicolon, or an em dash and I don't have an editor, so we'll all just have to deal. Anyways, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, all that jazz

-----------

It’s a little after six in the morning and they still haven’t rolled in. Usually, the five of them would have been here for an hour already; a few hungover, one still drunk, and the fifth one acting like an adult babysitter for the other four. It’s weird how this happens–people come into your little donut shop and after a while, instead of you becoming part of their routine, they become part of yours. Eventually they start to feel like stand-ins for the friends you hardly ever get to see. You’re busy with your business and they’re busy with their jobs and families.

It could feel lonely, but you have people like Noreen, who comes in every Friday to buy three dozen assorted donuts for her team. Noreen is kind and not the type of person you envision working at a private equity firm. When you were thinking about expanding into the small space next door, she looked at your plan and helped you figure out where you were being too aggressive and in some cases too shortsighted. She didn’t ask for anything in return, but you made sure her next three dozen donuts were on the house. 

There’s Will, a retired teacher, who comes in every Sunday. He used to come in with his partner, Charles, and they would sit at the table you have set up near the front window. They traded off different sections of the newspaper while drinking their coffee and sharing one old-fashioned donut and one raspberry jelly donut; they never strayed from those. Charles passed away six months ago and it was unexpected. You didn’t expect to see Will for a while, but routine is hard to give up especially when it’s the only thing you have left. Every Sunday morning you set a 'reserved' sign on the table near the window. 

There’s Stuart, who hangs out in the plaza your shop is located in. You’re not sure if he’s unhoused or just likes to spend his day outside, but it felt strange to always see him and not interact with him. One day you invited him to come by for coffee and a donut but he turned you down. You told him the offer was good for any time and that you hoped you’d see him in there soon. He came in a few days later and it made you feel like you were doing some good; and then you felt bad for feeling like that. Stuart’s reserved and not much of a talker so you just let him sit at a table while you go about your work. Some days he’ll start a conversation; it’s rare but it feels like you both trust each other enough to make more than small talk. If you don’t see him in his usual spot outside, you worry. He usually turns up a few days later, but you're concerned that at some point he won’t turn up and what are you supposed to do then?

There’s a handful of people that fall into this category of if they never came back you would notice. It’s because some of them are smart and kind like Noreen. Some because they sit in the same spot, newspaper sections still divided in two, like Will. Some because their silence fills your little shop, like Stuart. And some whose absence you would notice because they don’t fit into these boxes. Sometimes they can be loud or irritating; but they can also be entertaining. And they’re are always five of them, but only one that makes you feel like you’re thirteen and just saw your middle school crush.

They started coming in sometime in February. You only remember because the biggest one said he’s 'not eating a fucking, prissy, heart-shaped donut.' Some men are like that, afraid if they come in contact with something feminine that’s not a woman, that their dick will fall off. He was loud and obnoxious and only one of the other four looked truly embarrassed for the guy and for himself. He apologized for his friend and ordered five large coffees and a dozen glazed donuts. 

“You sure glazed are going to be manly enough for your friend over there?” 

You ticked your head over towards the table where his friends were sitting. He laughed and it was a surprisingly warm laugh for a man with neck tattoos. 

“He won’t even remember being here, let alone what kind of donuts he ate.”

He sounded annoyed but used to the behavior. You remembered having friends like that, in your twenties, but you were well past that age and so were these guys by the look of it. You saw him eyeing an apple fritter so you grabbed it from the case, put it on a plate, and set it on the counter next to the box of donuts. 

“On the house, since it doesn’t look like you’re getting paid for your babysitting duties.”

He smiled, said thank you, and then went to sit with his loud friends. You noticed he was quiet in comparison and thought it would be nice if they were all quiet like that. 

When they were getting ready to leave you saw that the quiet one made sure all the trash was thrown away and all the dishes went into the right bin. At the door as they were leaving he gave you a small wave thanking you again. There was something about his smile that made it feel like flowers were blooming in your stomach. That feeling carried you for a week. You’d think of that moment of him at the door and a fog would enter your brain and the flowers in your stomach would grow larger. 

The feeling would start to subside after a while and you would get caught up in your real life–your business, the rare time with your friends, the occasional bad date. It would slowly drift from the front of your mind to the back. Then they would show up and the cycle would continue. 

The one who had the soft smile and neck tattoo, you learned his name was Benny. And that if you gave him a choice between the apple fritter and anything else, he would choose the apple fritter one hundred percent of the time. The loud drunk, that was Big Nick and he’s only been not drunk five percent of the time they’ve come in. There’s Connors, Zapata, and Henderson–you’ve only heard them referred to by their last names. A thing that you’ve only ever heard men do. They all come in once or twice a month–usually early, usually hungover. It makes you wonder what they do before they end up at your place. You never ask because to know would be to probably ruin your crush on Benny.

Benny always pays and there’s a part of you that hopes he’s doing it just for the chance to talk to you. When he leaves he always gives you a wave goodbye and a thanks again. The flowers in your stomach have bloomed and blossomed to an embarrassing degree by the end of May. And that’s when they stopped coming in. 

—-

Benny shakes his head no at Connor’s who’s trying to hand him a beer, “Not feeling it tonight.”

Benny isn’t feeling it any night, but he keeps that to himself. The drinking, the cocaine, the women, none of it interests him and it hasn’t for a while. Since February if he’s being honest with himself. 

They had ended up at your donut shop, Glazy for You under random circumstances. The usual place they would go to sober up after one of these parties had been closed down by the health department. He should have known it was bound to happen, the place was dim and oddly seedy for a diner. Benny was the designated driver that night, since he hadn’t been feeling well he didn’t drink and spent most of the night ushering random women out of a grim motel room. When he saw Glazy for You as he was driving by, it looked like the complete opposite of his evening; it was bright, there were Valentine’s decorations on the window. It looked comforting and warm, two things he felt like he was missing in his life.

Nick of course was an asshole and Benny felt like he spent a lot of time silently apologizing to you. His apologies must have entered you mind telepathically because you gave him an apple fritter–the best apple fritter he’s ever had in his whole fucking life. There must have been some kind of magic in because that moment lodged itself somewhere in his heart and reappears when he’s feeling low. Like now–sitting in this motel room, on this couch that probably hasn’t been cleaned in two decades, watching his friends lose their fucking minds over shit they should have outgrown. 

Benny hasn’t seen you in months, ninety-seven days to be exact, not that he’s counting. They’ve been working on one case after the next and it’s left time for little else. No post drug test parties, no early mornings sitting in a donut shop waiting for everyone to sober up, no you. It’s been sleep and work for three months straight. Last time he saw you, it seemed like you were happy to see him. Maybe he imagined that feeling; misunderstood the warmth in your smile. Maybe that’s the smile that you’ve practiced in order to be able to perform it for everyone. Maybe everyone feels what he feels when they see you.

Benny sinks further into the couch and looks up at the ceiling. It’s a drop ceiling which brings back memories of a case he had worked on. While securing a crime scene, they were in the living room of a run down apartment. It had this same type of ceiling and a body fell right through it onto the floor. He thinks that maybe this is how it ended up being called a drop ceiling, because shit just drops right out. That thought, that memory makes him realize that he doesn’t want to be in this room anymore. He gets up, grabs his jacket off the back of the couch, and leaves. He hears Connors call after him as he’s closing the door but he doesn’t care. He only has one place that he wants to be right now.

—-

You’re putting a tray of bear claws in the display case when you hear the door open. It’s still early, the sun is barely up, pink and purple hues are still in the sky. You get a lot of municipal workers that come in at this time, barely past opening. So it’s a little bit of a surprise when you get a glimpse through the display case of Benny walking in, alone.

There’s a second while you’re crouched down, adjusting the tray that you let yourself be excited; allow yourself to give into the childish feeling of getting a glimpse of your crush. Your knees are wobbly as you stand up–unsure if it’s because you’re getting old or because he’s looking right at you.

“Oh hey, how’ve you been?” You wipe your palms on the front of the apron you’re wearing. “It’s been a while.”

You try to sound neutral, neither excited to see him or disappointed that it's been so long. He smiles and that familiar sensation of flowers blooming returns. 

“We’ve been working on a lot of cases and it’s been hard to find time for anything else.” 

You lean forward and rest your arms on top of the bakery case. 

“Cases? You guys are lawyers?” As the words leave your mouth you realize how truly stupid it sounds. You’ve never in your life seen any lawyers that look like these guys. 

Benny chuckles and rubs the back of his neck, something he does when feels embarrassed or self conscious.

“No, definitely not lawyers. Detectives. We work for the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department.”

You fail at suppressing a laugh, “I’m sorry. All of you are detectives? Even your friend Nick?”

Benny knows your laugh isn’t mean spirited and if he were you, he’d probably laugh too, knowing what he knows about the people he works with. He moves closer to display case and leans in. 

“Even Nick. You seem surprised.”

“It’s just. I.” You pause, trying to choose your words with care, because you like Benny and you don’t want to insult him, “I mean, it’s hard to imagine being a victim of a crime or something and like Nick is the person taking your statement, trying to help you. That is my nightmare.”

You hope you don’t sound like an asshole, but the idea of Nick serving and protecting seems like a stretch. If you offend Benny, he doesn’t show it, he just laughs.

“The way that you’ve seen him, I can understand the sentiment. He’s not like that a hundred percent of the time. I promise.” 

You give Benny a joking look, “Okay, but what percentage are we talking here?”

You’re both laughing when the rest of the guys walk in. The rowdiness is a shock to your system after not dealing with it for a while. You look at Benny and he’s no longer leaning in towards you and maybe you’re projecting, but you think he looks a little disappointed too.

Benny’s disappointed, but he tries his best to hide it. The guys may be drunk, but they are cops and they are perceptive. Benny already knows he has a reputation among them as being soft. It used to bother him, but it hasn’t for a while. He knows he would rather be soft than be the type of man that can’t feel anything other than bitterness and rage. 

“Borracho, you fucking asshole, you left us.”

Nick, is of course loud and slurring his words. Benny hopes you can’t understand Spanish–he doesn’t want to be known as a ‘drunk’ to you.

Benny turns from you to look at the guys. Connors is propping Nick up; Henderson and Zapata are stumbling towards a table. 

“I was hungry.”

Benny hopes it’s enough to shut Nick up. He knows it’s not because he sees Nick loosen himself from Connors and stumble towards him. He claps a large, drunk hand on Benny’s shoulder and the force almost knocks him backwards. 

“Fuck, Borracho. You’re no fun anymore.”

Nick is a mess and that’s not really that surprising to you. What is surprising is how uncomfortable Benny looks. He has the look of a man who would give anything to disappear. You can’t really blame him, these guys, Nick especially, are exhausting to be around and you only deal with them for a few hours a month.

“Can I get you guys something or are you just going to loiter?”

Benny looks towards you and you give him a sympathetic smile. He shakes Nick off of him and is about to order when Nick lurchers towards the counter that you’re standing behind. You step back as he unsuccessfully tries to paw at you.

“I know what you can get me, sweetheart.”

Benny groans and runs a hand over his face, “Jesus Christ, Nick. Shut the fuck up.”

You step closer to the counter and lean forward, putting a hand on Nick’s shoulder.

“What did I tell you about calling me ‘sweetheart’?”

Nick tilts his head to the side and mutters, “That the next time I do it, you’ll put my head in the deep fryer.”

You pat his shoulder, “Good, you remember.”

You hear Zapata, Henderson, and Connors–who’s joined them at their table laughing and chanting do it, do it.

You gently push Nick away from the counter, “Go sit down unless you’re willing to see if I’m serious.” You look over at Benny, who no longer looks like he wants to disappear. “Benny, five coffees and a dozen glazed, right?”

Benny nods his head, “Yeah, that’s good.”

Nick turns around and starts walking towards where Connors, Zapata, and Henderson are sitting. He jerks his thumb back towards you, “She’s no fun either.”

Benny feels awkward standing here, watching you gingerly place twelve glazed donuts in a box and then pour five large coffees. It’s calming though, watching you do routine things, like you’re slowly rooting out the anxiety of being around drunk idiots. You put the coffees in a tray and place it down on the counter next to the donuts. 

Benny pulls out his wallet to pay, “Uh, sorry,” he pauses, he’s sorry about a lot suddenly, “sorry about Nick. He was acting like an asshole.”

You shrug and hand Benny his change, “Don’t worry about it.”

Benny is sitting with the guys and can’t help feeling like he’s messed something up. You didn’t give him an apple fritter like you normally do. He wonders if you’re mad that he didn’t do something more when Nick was acting like an asshole. Maybe he’s overthinking it–he can’t expect you to give him a free donut every time you see him. It’s possible he’s misread the situation entirely, that you’re just friendly and nothing more. He watches you behind the counter adjusting things, bagging up donuts for customers that have come in. When Benny checks his watch for the time, he misses seeing you slip an apple fritter in a bag and write 'Benny' in a tidy script. 

You watch the guys start filtering out of your place; Nick and Connors are first and from the store window you can see them getting into separate cabs. Benny is still throwing trash away as Henderson and Zapata leave. They share a cab and you imagine that maybe they rallied enough to start drinking again at 7:30am. You see Benny heading towards the door and it looks like he’s leaving without giving his usual wave goodbye. Your stomach sinks a little–maybe he’s mad at you for not joking around more with Nick or the other guys. Or it could just be that he’s tired and wants to go home and you’re creating feelings that aren’t there. 

You grab the bag with the apple fritter from below the counter and hold it up, “Hey, you forgot something.”

Benny looks at the bag with his name on it–it’s the nicest handwriting he’s ever seen. He walks over to the counter and takes the bag from your hand, your fingers overlapping for a fraction of a second. 

“So this means you’re not mad at me?”

“Why would I be mad at you? Wait, you think because of Nick?” You look at him strangely as he nods his head yes, “He’s the idiot, I’m not going to hold that against you.”

Benny smiles, “That’s good to know.” He starts walking away, but stops when he gets to the door, holding up the bag with the donut, “Thanks again. I’ll see you later.”

“Take care, Benny.”

—-

“You like that girl at the donut place?”

It sounds less like Connors is asking you a question and more like stating a fact. Benny’s a little caught off guard and pretends to start looking for something on his desk.

“What?” 

Benny tries to sound confused, like he’s never even heard the word donut before.

“At the donut place. The girl who runs it, are you into her or something? You always act fucking weird when we’re in there.”

Benny thinks back to all the times they’ve been at Glazy for You, trying to remember his behavior. Did he look at you for too long? Say ‘goodbye’ in a way that sounded like he didn’t want to leave. Benny opens the bottom drawer of his desk and pretends to look for something. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

Benny knows he doesn’t sound convincing and Connors must hear it too because he keeps going.

“Really?” Connors sounds incredulous. “You’re always lingering at the counter. She’s always giving you free donuts. Any of this ringing a bell for you?”

Benny can feel Connors staring at him. He closes the desk drawer and goes back to looking at the file on his desk.

“Maybe she likes giving away free donuts. I really couldn’t tell you.”

Connors crumbles a piece of paper into a ball and lobs it at Benny’s head, hitting him just behind the ear. 

“Whatever you say asshole.”

—-

The summer goes by quickly–it’s one of your busier seasons. School is out, the weather is nice–there are day camps, company off-sites, and sleepovers. All the types of occasions where the people in charge don’t want to make breakfast but need to provide it. Benny and the guys come in a few times throughout the summer. It feels a little different from before. Benny doesn’t linger at the counter as much anymore and sometimes one of the other guys pays. It’s stupid little things that you shouldn’t notice, but you do, because they used to be part of your routine. It’s embarrassing thinking you let this crush on Benny become such a big part of your life that you’d notice he didn’t pay last time or the time before that. It’s that embarrassment that makes you start building a wall around that garden in your stomach so the flowers can’t reach your heart.

It’s the end of October when you’re opening up one morning and it registers for you that you haven’t seen Stuart since some time around June or July. His absence gnaws at you. You feel like a bad person for not noticing sooner; that feeling that you failed someone even though they weren’t your responsibility. You don’t know what to do or if there’s anything you actually can do. So when you see Benny a few weeks later it feels like a little bit of a last resort when you ask for his help.

—-

You were hoping that Benny would be the person paying this time when they all came in, so you could mention Stuart without having to pull him aside. But he doesn’t and it makes you a little anxious trying to figure out the best way to talk to him about something serious. So it’s a relief when it looks like he’s going to be the last one to leave. He’s behind Connors and when Connors makes it out the door, you stop Benny who’s close behind.

“Benny, hey. Do you have a second?”

You come out from behind the counter, nervously smoothing the apron tied around your waist in short downward strokes. Benny stops and lets the door go from his hand. You look upset and he hopes it’s not because he’s been acting standoffish lately. Ever since Connors asked about you, he’s been trying his best to act normal–whatever that means–around you. 

“Did Connors’s card get declined again?”

You let out a small laugh, “No. Um, I was actually wondering if you could help me with something.”

Benny steps a little closer to you. You have some powdered sugar on your cheek and he has to stop himself from brushing it off. 

“Yeah, of course. What’s going on?”

“This is probably going to sound weird, or stupid. Maybe both. But there’s this  guy who h—”

Benny cuts you off; his voice is a little rougher, “If someone is bothering you, I’ll take care of it.”

You laugh awkwardly, “Oh no, it’s nothing like that. It’s this guy, Stuart. He usually hangs out around here and I have him come in sometimes for coffee or donuts and I haven’t seen him in…since maybe July, I think? I’m just a little worried.” You pause and try to read Benny’s face to see what he’s thinking, “Sorry, this probably sounds stupid to you. I don’t even know what I’m asking.”

Benny scratches his jaw piecing together what he thinks you’re getting at, “Do you know his last name?”

You notice that Benny’s voice has gone back to the soft tone that you’re used to. He’s looking at you with compassion and not like you’re stupid or some kind of burden. Benny is the kind of person that you would want helping you in a crisis and it makes you wish there were more people like him in his line of work.

“I don’t, but I printed a photo from the security camera I have.” You walk over to the counter and lean over, grabbing the photo from under the register. “I don’t even know if you can do anything with that. I watch a lot of crime shows. Don’t judge me.”

Benny laughs and shakes his head as you hand him the photo.

“I don’t want to get your hopes up, but I’ll see what I can find out.”

“Yeah of course. It’s…I don’t know. I’d feel like a bad person if something were to happen to him and I could have helped.”

Benny feels bad because he knows how these things generally end up. Usually there are no happy endings.

“You can’t put that on yourself.”

You nod your head, “I know, but still, you know?”

Benny understands the feeling and also understands it’s easier to tell someone something isn’t their fault than to know it yourself. 

As Benny leaves you start to feel a bit lighter. Like someone has taken some of your worry, some of your concern and is carrying it for you; so you aren’t so weighed down.

—-

“What was that about?”

Benny is surprised to see Connors waiting for him in the parking lot. 

“Nothing. Well, I guess there’s some guy, homeless, I don’t know. He usually hangs out around here. She hasn’t seen him for a while. She’s worried.”

Connors flicks a cigarette on to the pavement, “Figures she’s one of those bleeding heart types. What did you tell her?”

Benny pats his jacket and then his pants pockets feeling around for a pack of cigarettes, forgetting briefly that he’s trying to quit. Connors pulls his pack from his pocket and tosses them to Benny.

Benny pulls a cigarette out, “I told her I’d look into it.”

Connors laughs and hands Benny a lighter, “Chump.” He waits a beat for Benny to light his cigarette, “But, if you want. We can start looking into it now.”

Benny’s grateful it’s Connors out here and not one of the other guys. Benny and Connors go back further than just Major Crimes and he’s someone Benny would trust with his life.

—-

Benny’s worried that he’s going to have to deliver you bad news. Best case scenario seems like Stuart is in jail. Not great, but it would mean that he’s alive. Worst case scenario is that he can’t find Stuart and that usually doesn’t mean anything good. Benny is suddenly hoping for some kind of miracle for a person he doesn’t even know. 

The photo you gave him does turn out to be useful. Connors is able to find him in the system through facial recognition. Stuart Morton has a record; a few arrests for driving while under the influence and some time in a county jail. Benny is able to get a last known address but it’s over a year old. It’s a sober living house that’s not actually that far from Glazy for You. He doesn’t have much hope that going there will bring him any closer to finding Stuart. 

It takes a couple of weeks, but Benny is finally able to meet with David, the director of the sober living facility. He finds it’s better to meet with people in person. Talking with people over the phone, he’s learned, makes it easier for them to not give you the information you need. David of course is a little guarded at first with Benny; not wanting to share anything that could get Stuart in trouble, which Benny can’t really fault him for. Benny explains the situation, that the owner of a donut shop near here is worried because they haven’t seen him in a while. When Benny mentions your name to David, he lights up.

“Her glazed old fashioneds are the best ones in this entire state.” He pauses and to Benny it looks like he’s getting lost in the memory of a donut, a feeling he knows well. 

“I didn’t realize you two knew each other.” 

David turns away from Benny to look through a drawer in a filing cabinet, “Just this year we got to talking and she’s been generous enough to donate breakfast here every month. And recently she’s been working with us on a job training program at her bakery.” 

Benny thinks back to Connors calling you a ‘bleeding heart’ and is glad he came here by himself. 

“She didn’t mention anything about knowing Stuart lived here.”

David pulls a folder from the cabinet and thumbs through it, “Stuart is the type to not overshare, so that doesn’t surprise me.” He pauses to write something down on a piece of paper and hands it to Benny, “Here. This is his sister Noreen’s information. When he left, he was going to be staying with her for a while. Might still be there.”

Benny barely makes it to his car before calling the number that David gave him. 

—-

“Wait, so you’re saying that Noreen, the Noreen that comes in here, is Stuart’s sister?”

It’s late in the day, near the time that you close up. You and Benny are sitting across from each other at the table near the window. It’s hard to believe what he’s telling you, that Stuart used to be a resident at the sober living facility, the one where David works; that Noreen is Stuart’s sister and somehow all these dots never got connected for you.

“She didn’t realize that you two were,” Benny pauses looking for the right word, “friends. She feels terrible that you didn’t know he had moved out of the state and were worried. She said he’s doing well.”

You’re quiet for a moment, trying to take in everything Benny has been telling  you. It’s a lot to process, considering you had been preparing yourself to hear bad news. You can feel your eyes fuzzy with a few tears and feel a little embarrassed to be getting so emotional over the good news.

“It’s such a relief to know that he’s doing okay.” You feel a tear slide down your cheek and quickly brush it away hoping that Benny didn’t see it.

Benny can tell you’re trying to keep yourself from crying and he wants to tell you that it’s okay, that there wouldn’t be any judgment from him. He has the overwhelming urge to wrap his arms around you, but he knows it would be wildly inappropriate. He feels awkward sitting here, looking around, trying to figure out what he should say.

“I like the Christmas decorations you have up.” It’s lame and he knows it, but it seems better than freaking you out with a hug. You smile at him and that feels reassuring.

“You do?” You look over at Benny, nodding his head, “I know it makes me basic, but I love Christmas. The lights, the decorations, the movies, the music. Expect to see a lot of green and red frosted donuts until December 31st.” 

Benny laughs, “I’m looking forward to it.” He looks at his watch and starts to get up, “I should probably leave, so you can close up.”

You get up and follow Benny to the door, you put your hand on Benny’s forearm to stop him for a second and he feels a little spark through this jacket.

“Thank you, again, for everything.”

“I’m glad I could help. And that everything turned out okay.”

You’re not sure what it is that compels you to hug him, but you do. Maybe it’s the gentleness of his voice, or how he’s looking at you in a way he hasn’t before. It feels intimate and dreamy and it’s hard for you to recall the last time anyone has looked at you like that. It happens so fast that Benny barely has time to register what happened.

It hits him as he’s walking to his car–the delayed feeling of your arms around him. It strikes Benny that maybe there’s a chance you like him, that maybe you’re both kind of stupid and clumsy, and afraid to ask the other one out. There’s the realization that one of you will have to make the first move or it will go on like this forever. That he will see you every few months at your job, that he’ll get a free donut occasionally. It’s not enough for Benny and he knows that he can’t be stupid about this much longer.

—-

It’s the last piss test party of the year–the week before Christmas. The concept is idiotic–sure it made sense at one point when Benny wasn’t wading into the deep end of forty. Going to a cheap hotel to get drunk and high, have sex with women that Nick found God knows where. It was never appealing to Benny but he used to understand the idea of celebrating after your mandatory drug test. Now he usually just sits, drinks a beer or two, and tries to avoid contact with everyone. There’s something especially depressing about it during this time of year.

Benny’s spent the last few days mulling over the best way to ask you out. He regrets not asking you when he was giving you the news about Stuart. Although there’s a part of him that thinks maybe you would have felt obligated to say yes given the circumstances. He thinks about asking you tonight, if they end up there, but he doesn’t want to do it in front of the guys because you might feel obligated then too, maybe even feeling sorry for him and not wanting to embarrass him in front of everyone by saying no. If you say yes, he wants it to be because you actually mean it, he doesn’t want there to be any room for doubt.

His decision is made for him, because when they get to Glazy for You, you aren’t there. Benny can’t remember if there’s ever been a time when you haven’t been there, behind the counter, greeting him warmly. It’s a little bit of a shock to his system to see a middle-aged man in a goofy Christmas sweater in your place. Benny’s good at thinking up doomsday scenarios and imagines one in which you’re trying to avoid him, so you no longer work this early in the morning. But then he thinks of when you hugged him and that even though it was quick, it was like your touch had gone directly to his heart. He doesn’t stay much longer, opting to go home, lay in his bed, and try to figure out what he’s going to do.

—- 

You used to hate working during the holidays. Maybe it’s because you were working for other people and not yourself. Maybe it was because the work you were doing felt unimportant and people expected you to care even when everything else around you was winding down. Five years ago the thought of working on Christmas Eve would have made you want to walk into traffic. Now it feels different, like maybe you’re contributing to the holiday experience versus missing out on it entirely. You’ve always loved Christmas, but Christmas Eve is your favorite day of the year. It just feels more special somehow. There’s anticipation and excitement in the air. It’s possible it’s a product of all the Christmas movies you’ve watched over the years where there’s the idea that anything seems possible on this day. There’s something about the idea of your life changing for the better, surrounded by twinkle lights and ornaments that you find very appealing.

The morning is kind of slow–you spend most of it watching holiday episodes of tv shows on your phone. Around 11am you start cleaning up–taking trays out of cases, boxing up the donuts that are left to drop off at the comic book shop next door. You’re looking forward to going home and laying on the couch the rest of the day, queuing up your standard Christmas Eve movies. You’re ready to watch Scrooged and feel abnormally homesick, but then put on Christmas Vacation and remember why it’s never a good idea to spend Christmas with your entire family.

You’re in the back when you hear the bell on the door jingle, letting you know someone is out front. You consider just staying where you are, pretending no one is here so you can wrap up your day. You don’t want to have to tell anyone that you can’t help them with their donut emergency–getting yelled at on Christmas Eve is not something you’ve prepared yourself for today. So it’s a pleasant surprise when you make your way back out to the front and you see Benny.

“Hey, this is a—hi.” You’re not sure why you’re suddenly unable to put together a decent sentence.

Benny rubs the back of his neck with his hand, “Is this a bad time?”

“No. No, well. I mean, unless you were looking for a few dozen donuts. Then it definitely is.”

Benny smiles, “Actually,  I, um, was,” he pauses and tries to collect himself, he can suddenly feel his heart beating in his ears, “I wanted to ask you out. On a date.” The feeling has spread to his skull.

When he says it, it’s almost like the words traveled through your brain and you can’t comprehend what’s actually happening. Benny, the guy you’ve been harboring your fragile middle school crush on, is here asking you out. It makes little, if any sense to you.

“Are you just trying to get more free donuts?”

Benny shakes his head no, “I promise I’m not.”

You’re quiet as you consider what he’s asked–trying to reprocess the information in your mind so that it makes sense. When all the words are finally in place and you repeat them in your mind, you feel some of those flowers that you’d walled up in your stomach starting to push through the cracks.

“Yeah, okay.” You grab a business card from the counter, write your number on the back, and hand it to Benny.

Benny’s not sure he’s ever heard anything better than yeah, okay in his life, it’s like a bolt of lightning right to his core. He puts the card with your number in the chest pocket of his jacket, the safest place he can think of.

“Great. Amazing.” Benny laughs nervously. “I need to get back to work. I’ll text you.” 

“Okay. Well, have a good Christmas, Benny.” 

“You too.” 

Benny gives his standard small wave as he leaves and you lock the door after him. When he’s out of sight you let out a squeal and excitedly dance in place. Your phone vibrating in your back pocket interrupts you mid-happy dance. 

Hey, it’s Benny. Are you free for dinner on the 27th at 7?

Benny watches dots appear and then disappear on his phone. It feels a little bit like torture as he sits in his truck waiting for you to respond.

 Dinner on the 27th at 7 sounds great

Benny releases a breath he didn’t realize he was holding, Let me think of a place and I’ll text you the address

Sounds good. And you meant Dec 27th right?

Benny laughs to himself, Yes dec 27. I’m not going to wait until jan to take you to dinner

Just making sure 🙂

You read his last text at least ten more times before finally going back into the kitchen like you had intended. Each time you read it, there’s a sensation in your stomach like bricks dissolving and flowers blooming again.

—-

Benny texts you on the morning of the 26th with a restaurant name and an address. You already have the sense that he’s different, the type of person who has follow-through. You try to temper your excitement about dinner with him, not wanting to do that thing you sometimes do where you make something out to be more than it is. You keep telling yourself that it’s just dinner, nothing more. But as you pull up to the restaurant a few minutes late and see Benny standing outside, looking nervous in dark denim and a green flannel, you let yourself think that maybe it could be a little more than just dinner. 

“Sorry I’m a little late, I hope you weren’t waiting long?”

Benny smiles when he sees you standing in front of him, “I just got here a few minutes ago.” 

It’s a lie; the last one he’ll tell tonight; but he doesn’t want you to know that he was so amped up about this evening that he got to the restaurant thirty minutes early. On the way in, when you pass in front of him, your perfume delicately floats by him. It’s earthy, but slightly sweet, with cinnamon and vanilla blending neatly in–he’s sure it’s the most beautiful thing that he’s ever smelled. 

It’s a French restaurant, one that you’ve never been to before, but it’s cozy and still in the Christmas spirit. There are multicolored lights strung up and silver tinsel hanging from the ceiling. 

“Have you been here before?” Looking at Benny from across the table and you can see flecks of silver in his facial hair catching the light of the candle on the table. 

“My sister and her husband had their tenth anniversary party here last year. Most of my restaurant choices come from wherever she has an anniversary party.” 

You laugh, “Nice. Do you just have the one sister?”

Benny has just the one sister, you learn, among other things. You find talking to Benny is easy, he doesn’t give one word answers to questions like some men you’ve gone out with. Where trying to get to know them is like trying to get to know a slab of pavement. He’s funnier than you thought, something that you didn’t expect, but is a nice surprise.

“Did you always want to be a detective?”

Benny butters a piece of bread, “To be honest, the only thing I wanted to be growing up was a magician. I guess I saw one too many David Copperfield specials as a kid.”

You start laughing, “Do you know any magic tricks?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know. What about you?”

“I don’t know any, no.” You shrug jokingly as Benny laughs. “But, yeah, I guess I’m doing what I’ve always wanted to be doing. I’m lucky that things have worked out how they have.” 

Benny’s curious now, “You didn’t always work in a bakery?”

“Nope. I actually used to work in tech. It’s kind of a long story.”

“Well, I’m not in any hurry to end the evening.”

There’s something about Benny that puts you at ease, that makes you comfortable enough to want to open up to him. Something that you would never normally consider doing on a first date. You don’t feel the need to downplay that you made a lot of money when a company you worked for in New York was bought out. He doesn’t flinch when you tell him that the reason you moved to California was because of your now ex-husband. He tells you about his own divorce and for the first time in a long time you don’t feel so unlike yourself on a first date. It doesn’t feel scary telling him that you felt insignificant in your own life because of your work and your marriage. That every conversation with your husband made you feel like a burden.There’s a moment when you start to apologize, out of habit, but he stops you. He smiles when you say that the divorce was the best thing to happen to you because it–and you hate to say it like this–gave you your power back. 

“I always wanted to own my own business and I love donuts, so when the divorce happened, I just said fuck it, and went for it. Just threw myself into it.”

“I’m glad you did, I don’t know where else I’d get an apple fritter that good. And for free.” 

“Yeah, about that.” You smile playfully, “I’m going to have to start charging you before you put me out of business.” 

Benny makes a show of looking at his watch, pretending to want to leave, “I guess we should probably call it an evening then?”

He likes the way you laugh, how it’s kind of loud and fills the room. It makes him feel good, to hear you laugh, to see you smile; like he’s responsible for some bit of happiness you’re experiencing.

“See, I knew this was a scam.”

As the waiter clears the table and they wait for the check, Benny asks you what your favorite donut is. 

You don’t even have to think about it, “Definitely a maple bar.”

Benny watches as your eyes light up, telling him how you first had one when you spent the summer between fifth and sixth grade visiting your aunt in Seattle. He listens to you describe how your mom was, in the nicest terms you can find, an extreme dieter, who tried her best to pass all of her food issues down to you, and never let donuts in the house. But your aunt didn’t care and the first thing she did once she would pick you up from the airport was take you to her favorite bakery. It was the highlight of every summer after that until you graduated high school. It was the first donut you learned how to make because on the east coast they’re hard to find. You laugh when you say the best part of moving to the west coast is that every donut place has maple bars, but you’d like to think that yours are the best. Benny can’t help but think it’s cute.

Benny doesn’t want the night to end; he knows that you took a cab to the restaurant so he offers to drive you home. You try not to sound too eager in accepting his offer, but fail.

“Yeah, I’d love that.”

You ask him if he wants you to put your address into google maps for directions, but he doesn’t need them. Benny spends so much time driving all over the city that he knows every street, every highway, every interstate. The map exists in his head; he can get anywhere without really having to think about it. Benny drives you through some unfamiliar, but beautiful neighborhoods. The homes are still decorated and lit up, it’s like driving through the set of a Christmas movie–the only thing missing is snow.

You ask him more about his job, the guys he works with. You like hearing the stories that Benny has about them. You can tell by the way he talks about him, that he’s closest with Connors. You finally learn everyone’s first names and how Benny got his nickname–which you had previously googled out of curiosity. You ask if it bothers him to be called a drunk.

“Knowing the shit they all get into, not really.”

He says that it doesn’t matter what they call him because he knows that in any situation they’ll have his back and he’ll have theirs. That’s what he cares about.

When he pulls up to your house; a small, one-story home, string lights along the frame and around the windows; it looks exactly like he’d imagined. You both sit quietly for a few minutes unsure what to do next. 

Eventually you unbuckle your seatbelt, “I had a really good time tonight, Benny.”

“Me too. Come on, I’ll walk you to your door.” he looks over at you, “protect and serve, you know.” Benny knows it’s a dumb joke, but you laugh anyway.

When you get to the top of your steps, you find it hard to say goodbye. His face is illuminated by the Christmas lights and you can tell he doesn’t want to say goodbye either. You start to say something, you’re not even sure what, but no words come out because Benny’s mouth is on yours, his hands gently cradling your face. His lips are soft and you can feel the warmth of his tongue asking for permission. You drop your keys onto the porch and pull him closer to you by his belt loops.

It feels like hours have passed when Benny finally pulls away, “Sorry. I’ve been wanting to do that for months.”

You rest your hands on his chest, “Next time,” you gently tug on his shirt collar, “don’t wait so long.”

Benny smiles as he watches you crouch down to pick up the keys you dropped. When you stand back up, he reaches towards your face, his fingers grazing behind your ear, “Hold on, you have something in your—” Benny sweeps his fingers against your hair and when he brings his hand in front of you, he’s holding a small, folded piece of paper. 

You take it from him, unfolding it. When you see the words ‘what are you doing for new years?’ written down you start grinning, “So you do still know some magic tricks.”

Benny places his hand on your neck, his thumb stroking your cheek, “A few.”

[many-faced]

Many-Faced's Introduction post

Hello! I'm Many-Faced, but I typically use Tea as a nickname. I'm fine with any nicknames as long as it's clear you're referring to me!

I'm a self-taught artist. I also do animations sometimes! You can occasionally find me participating in Multi Animator Projects or making animation memes and posting them on youtube! Though uh... it's mostly shitposting. Oopsies.

I am Agender!

I use any pronouns :>

This includes neos! Specifically I'm testing the use of ze and xe. Please do keep in mind that I tend towards masculine pronouns over feminine ones, and while I don't mind she/her, I'd prefer they/them, he/him or neos.

Before you interact!

I am a minor!

Please do not bring extremely suggestive or NSFW content anywhere near me or my blog. Not only am I 16, but I am also asexual and get very uncomfortable around those topics.

I sometimes struggle with tone.

Please use tone tags where possible so I don't take a joke as an accusation or whatever! I overthink... way too much. Oopsies..

I do in fact swear a lot

While you'll notice on Youtube I try to stay mostly clean, although I do swear now and then. I do generally swear a lot. Especially on Discord, the swear jar for me and my friends is always overflowing.

I am unhinged and I talk and type faster than I think

If I say something weird or irrational and need to go back and correct myself, yeah that's normal, it happens a lot.

I am Autistic and have ADHD

It's unlikely to cause any problems further that what I've already mentioned, but as mentioned before please please PLEASE tonetags where you can, I don't wanna misread something

Do NOT interact:

If you support any sort of discrimination. Any discriminatory messages will be immediately deleted and you will get no response, I'm not fuelling someone like that.

If you use AI unethically. Unlike many other artists, I am neutral on AI. If it was ethical, I could see the benefits, yes, but it isn't. We're using in a way that harms creatives, replacing them with robots that cannot ever truly make anything new. So if you pedal AI 'art' or think a movie created by all AI would be so 'great', you can leave now.

Cryptobros. Don't pedal me your scam coin, because I'm not buying it.

If you're just here to send hate and start drama. Seriously, if you have a genuine criticism I'm here to listen, but if you're just hating to hate, what are you even doing?

Proshippers. I hope I don't need to explain why some relationships are actually just illegal. Illegal things in general obviously are not welcome here.

Hey look, Cool people!

@darkhatkid - the shadow in the corner of my room that tells me to draw insane shit

@mugzymiik - absolute nutcase, don't trust em ever, e likes kissing shapes and robots/lhj (they have also beta read a few of my fanfics!)

My Fandoms

This list may be rarely up to date... Don't be surprised if I suddenly spawn in with a bunch of art for a fandom not on the list.

Rain World

Warrior Cats

JSAB

Stray

Inscryption

Worldless

My AUs and Stories

The Halfway - An original work made from the ground up by me that asks the question 'if there are multiple realities, what's between them?' Sounds all philosophical, right? Well, kind of, but also I just found it funny to turn vague concepts into insane pseudo-deities and put them through the wringer of existing. A serious story with a comedic streak, hopefully.

JSAB: Reloaded - A JSAB AU. I don't currently have much to say about it since it's under reconstruction. Remind me to rewrite this at some point when I get the story nailed down.

Rain World: False Affirmative - A Rain World AU. Asked the question 'what if Five Pebbles succeeded in making the taboo bypass?' and snowballed into an entire AU with a zombie virus rot and a whole lineup of new slugcats and iterators while also expanding on the canon ones.

Worldless: Polarized - A worldless AU that is sort of on a semi-hiatus.

Other socials!

Want to find me somewhere else? Here's where you can!

Youtube

Other/Notes

Please do not send me random art requests in my askbox!

Moots, dw, ya cool, I won't met mad at you for doing that [don't expect me to actually do it though,, I might,, maybe].

What I don't want is random followers sending me art requests, even if it's of fandom characters from fandoms I'm in. I don't reaally like being asked to do something by someone I don't know well. This has happened a few times and I promise I'm not mad at any of you! Just keep this in mind, please ^^

[hinamie]

I didn't truly write that thinking "the fandom will be happy with more content!", though that is also true, or about how people will look swiftly at your art and not give it as much thought as you did. They may! It was more that... it would be lovely even so? haha I love to look and look again and use as loxkscreen the art I love, and sometimes it makes me start noticing that maybe some things are weird. Maybe that hand is a bit strange, that nape is too plain, that shadow makes the arm a bit weird,... but that is often a consequence of the unique aspect of a piece and many times linked to the specific artstyle of an artist, and thus part of what makes the art charming. And it's something logical for nothing to ever be perfect (though I totally totally get the drive to at the very least try). Not even the big classic artists do everything perfect. You know Raphael's sixth finger? Honestly I 100% think it's people overreading a perspective that turned out to be a bit weird and a hand that was drawn a bit too wide perhaps (the supposed sixth finger is so clearly the hand to me). Caravaggio is wonderful but at times I've thought there's a forearm that looks a bit strange if I look at it a lot. Leonardo has some very weird stuff at times too. Just to name a few haha. I don't know. Humanity is intrinsically fallible, perfection is but an utopia we can try to achieve but never get to, and a piece of art is a neverending process but by decision. And that's part of its charm too. Like Duchamp's broken glass, or how rain makes petals fall and damages the flowers, even though it looks so beautiful. I don't know haha. I didn't want to try and push you into posting more stuff, I hope it didn't came off that way. Just that. Know that some people do stare intently and do like to deeply analyse fandom pieces, and it's great, even with the small imperfections. They're bound to happen. Of course they haunt us haha it's always haunting. But what would life be without ghosts I suppose haha

Sorry to bother you again but I truly wanted to make sure I didn't come off as pushing for you to post more stuff or made you feel your effort to make things perfect and deep would be unappreciated, or turn out to be unimportant because no one would give too much time or thought to art, just look at it. It's definitely not what I wanted xD Hope you have an excellent day!

you're no bother, I didn't read your previous ask that way at all! I ws moreso like. adding onto what you were saying as more examples of reasons why my anxieties r probably unfounded. and i was generalizing a bit yes ghjsdf i know there are people who look at art for longer than the time it takes to hit like or reblog, and I appreciate the love they show my pieces dearly!!

as for the mistakes/quirks in art that show an artist's unique touch or serve as a reminder that there is a person behind every piece I do agree !! i love when you can see evidence of the person who made a piece of art n recognize those little markers of humanity. it's like that meme tho, the "you don't have to be perfect to be loved. me on the other hand," n the fact that I Am My Own Worst Critic i wld throw hands with the bitch i see in the mirror in a Heartbeat. most of my issues boil down to the fact that i have trouble giving anything less than 100% in what i do or being proud of products I don't see as reflecting the absolute best of my abilities. i've definitely gotten better over the course of this year but i still have a long way to go so baby steps for now ig :')

[boggsart]

EXCUSE ME who told you you’re talking too much about your art?? Dude that’s the part I love most!! I like hearing about how you struggled to get it where you wanted, or how much the tools you’re working with frustrated you, but you got to a place you were happy with anyway.

I don’t know anything about 3d animation, and I know even less about game design. So it’s really important for me that you describe your process and how much work you had to do because it your work context. I’m sorry anybody made you feel like that wasn’t valuable. I’d argue that’s more valuable than the finished work itself!!

I always love seeing your posts pop up on my dash. And Wolffe and the 104th look absolutely fantastic in the newest one!! If you don’t mind me asking, what were some of the weird issues you ran into in the 104th’s one, and what makes them different issues from the ones you ran into before?

Thank you so much for all the kind words, but to be completely honest, they are kinda right. I think any artist can relate to the feeling of being too critical towards your own work. I tend to overexaggerate mistakes, or point out issues that aren't even really noticable to someone that knows little about this field. But at the same time, i always have a vision of how i'd like my current work to look like, and when i don't meet my own expectations (which i rarely do), that's when i start yapping. Well there were some minor ones, like noticing how some of the armors were not modeled accurately( like around the shoulder part of the chest piece, it's completely missing that part where it connects the front to the back, elbow pieces are way too big, helmets were also not modeled accurately, etc). I also completely messed up the rigging process, thus giving myself so much more work when animating. There are always certain body parts that just go into eachother (lower arm going into the upper arm when it's bent, feet going into the floor, hands going into the chest, etc) that could have been easily avoidable if i took the time to make a proper rig for my models.

There are also always some texturing mistakes, or wrongly placed focal points i notice once the final render is done. In this one, once all of the characters come up, and the camera starts zooming in on their faces, the focal point was placed too far, resulting in some parts of the helmets looking blurrier, than they should look. Since renders take a whole lot of time, i always try to fix this by putting the final renders into a 3rd party AI upscaling program, instead of going back to place it correctly, then re render it. That's probably a crappy workflow, but if this project wouldn't have a deadline that's approaching WAY TOO QUICKLY, and i wouldn't have a lot more stuff to model and animate, i would do the latter. At the same time, i probably should just pay more attention before hitting the render button lol. Also, the movements of the characters sometimes look way too stiff, and don't have that fluidity to them. I haven't been animating for long, so here's the reason for that, at the same time tho, i'm noticing some impovements when comparing the recent piece to my first animation. These are the problems i'm running into most of the time. In the recent one though, if you look closely, once Wolffe goes into his stance (after the commander Wolffe text disappeares) there's some weird black flickering going on around his chest/belly area, that for the love of God, i could not fix. Sometimes the particle system can cause some really interesting issues, that most of the time can be fixed by baking the dynamics. Since i did that (multiple times, deleting them, then re baking) and the issue persisted, i started to think either the shaders, or the particle system+volumetric fog combo was causing this problem. I also use a s*** ton of REALLY powerful lights, with the power constantly changing throughout the entire animation, that could also be causing this issue (i think?) I tried re-placing the cube that's making the volumetric fog, tried placing the lights and camera slightly elsewhere, but nothing worked, so i just decided to leave it as it is. The super slow mo parts are being made in the Non Linear Animation editor, which is... just as confusing as it sounds lol. Making the slow mo parts sometimes causes the blasters to disappear then reappear at the wrong time. The way grabbing the blasters then putting them away works is by having one blaster that's always parented to one hand, and one, that's always parented to the holster, and you change the visibility accordingly. (the moment the character pulls the blaster out of the holster, both blasters have to be perfectly alligned so the change in visibility doesn't have a weird jump in it) The visibility itself gets an action strip on its own, and it's hard to line them up correctly once you chopped up all your other strips and scaled them to make them slow motion. Because if the armature's action strip gets chopped up and scaled to make the movement slow motion, then everything else that has movement linked to it has to as well. So lights, the camera, the empty axes that the camera is parented to, and the blasters as well. This could be achieved by just placing the keyframes further apart from eachother, but i found this method to be somewhat simpler.

I'm probably doing this the wrong way though and could just place the keyframes accordingly without pushing the blaster action down to the NLA editor (cuz after all it's just visibility, not slow motion movement the blaster has). Though i have some really cool ideas with blasters in the upcoming animations, that would probably require to have them as NLA strips. Or maybe not, and everything i'm doing and talking about is bullshit, and isn't the way it should be done, and i really hope someone, that's in the industry doesn't read this and go "what the f is this woman talking about" lol. Basically everything about animating confuses the hell out of me, and i'm always doing stuff on the trial and error basis. So i hope one day i'll be able to learn it properly haha See, i'm yapping way too much after all. And i'm sorry for the long answer, but i'm really really passionate about this. And it actually feels so nice to know that there are people out there that care. 💖💖