#also might be using tumblr bit more cause twitter being weird

[strangeshapedstone]

Had the weirdest dream, my neighbors dad was ian mcculloch and then my friend met noel gallagher while i was sitting in the car eating alfredo pasta 😭😭

[fasolabean]

warninggg this is a long one ,,,

(Okay so I started writing this uhhh vent before more posts on the n//fts appeared later so plz keep that in mind hah)

So I haven’t been too active on here for the past month – a bit personal start, but I’ve moved to a different country whooo!!!! (its terrifying) (my brains been involved in fandom stuff as usual but physically I wasn’t lmao).

But I wanted to talk ab the n//ft (censoring bc idk ab bots here) thing bc while some people on here provided some great context and threads, most of the talk has happened on twitter. So like. Since it was first confirmed what the raffle thing was I was veryyyy disappointed, especially bc K has made fun of this very thing on stage previously. And like yea, the nature of what hes doing is different than the n//ft crypt0 scams, since the cost of the paywalled content is set and not fluid and the raffle thing was free to enter, and I know there have been threads about the website not being the worst on twitter (link) (edit: now here on tumblr too). But still man. Both of these could’ve been done on either an independent website or through stuff like youtube members or patreon. Or hell, even just on the merch store? Like buy a promo code that buys you access to the material?

Also like I get that this was probably a contract that would be rly hard if not impossible to terminate. STILL though, I wish we just got an even short thing like “hi sorry I wasn’t aware this is gonna be a one time thing we’re not doing it again”. I don’t mind extra content being paywalled personally, I know some people do, but I just really wish it wasn’t don’t with that technology. And yes, I also now know it’s a safer way to handle shit like that but I just cant see this excuse being used for commercial use? Like maybe I can see why I could be made to use it for like idk an important document, but a raffle ticket? Nah

I also, ugh. Felt weird about mikke in the team since the winter. This whole thing seems to be – at least to a large extent – either done or influenced by him, judging by even the fact that the europass thingy webpage has oy photomikke marked (no im not buying it but i did look around curiosity was stronger). Also the previous thing that had made me go hmmm about käärijä as a brand was the bnb, which now seems to be ran entirely by mikke and his wife. Like stick to your photos man? That being said tho, Jere IS an adult and he IS the face of this brand. If he doesn’t think hes qualified to make business decisions all by himself (which I get, this shit is hard), nothing is stopping him really from getting a professional to help him with those things. And if there IS something stopping him then hey man I think you should go to the press with that lol. From any interviews ive seen or read, you can feel he feels this responsibility to keep his friends and family that initially helped him afloat. But I wish he understood that not letting people who in the end are not professional about business and PR and having them stick to their own thing does not have to mean cutting them off.

But now I just wanna share a thought that to some might seem like me defending him – which, in case you didn’t get I am very much not lmao. The thing is, im really glad the fandom is able to call him out on a shitty thing – like a bad baaad business decision. You can like somebody’s art, hell you can even like the public person they are, while not agreeing with everything what they do. What annoys me though, is that apart of the kä fandom, he is also often talked about (usually negatively) in the wider esc fandom. Over the past week I’ve seen multiple threads on twitter from people that rarely ever mention him about this. That would’ve been like, not that much of a deal (though sometimes it really got… engagement bait-y) but the amount of bodyshaming and shaming of his fans that comes up with every valid criticism is making me wanna pull my hair out.

Especially cause he’s neither the first finnish esc-related artist to do that (Robin and Cyan Kicks are mentioned on the kollekt website) nor is he the first esc artist of his influence to do it either. Last year Loreen and Alessandra have released n//fts last year, and Loreen did a very similar raffle a couple months ago. Now I wanna be very clear: I don’t want this to be like. Cancelling these people, that would be so hypocritical of me. I also don’t want this to be like a fandom war like oh youre mad he did xyz?? Well THIS and THIS person did THAT!!1! I’m just merely annoyed that these people doing essentially the same thing went with no echo at all, but now I’ve seen us (the fandom) be literally called the r slur and the most vile things being said about jere and, for some reason, his appearance???

Idk man. I really try to  make it clear im not trying to excuse his decisions and I think being angry and/or disappointed at him is absolutely understandable. Im just angry that every single time he fucks up, every single time he makes a mistake, my timeline is filled with a wave of people rejoicing in it. I know he’s a controversial figure, he’s been one since day one, but I just wish he’s gotten the same amount of shit his peers do for the same actions? And this happens every time, and each time im like “well ig I can see why hes so bad when it comes to criticism”. Because imagine doing a thing that your peers have done with no/minimal criticism and then the moment you try it out you get people calling your fans slurs and commenting how stupid you are. Like ngl id also think any criticism was hate lmao.

Again I wanna be very VERY clear im very critical ab what he chose to do. I wish he took some responsibility – and hope he maybe does, at some point in the future. This year has been a whole lot of bad business decisions for the käärijä brand in my eyes, and I hope he can actually see where its gone wrong and do something about it, both for his and our sake. I am also happy to see fellow fans who are able to call out their fave. But man I am TIRED of him just getting all the shit (from people who very visibly fans are not)?? And now I have the proof that it is comparably more than other people and not just my bias towards him because wdym there’s been at least 4 esc artists, 2 of which more famous than him, and 2 umk artists doing exactly the same thing with almost no echo??

TLDR (thishasover1kwordsfuckshit); I wish he did better, simply. I kinda cling to some hope that maybe hey finally this time he will see that criticism can be constructive. I think this is still a level of fucking up that you can like, come back from. Pity it’s connected to the eurotour since kinda souring my excitement ab my first concert in a new country a bit :(

[humixalex]

I mean this in the kindest way possible: You probably shouldn’t be on social media or the internet.

This is a public platform. The only rules people are obligated to follow are Tumblr’s rules, not yours. If they are causing you distress then you shouldn’t be here. Your well-being is important but the people online aren’t responsible for it.

It is dangerous to reveal your trauma and things that trigger you somewhere full of strangers. People can use that to blatantly hurt you or to groom and manipulate you.

Please consider waiting until you’ve healed or at least learned how to deal with things that could trigger you. Tumblr is primarily used by adults and really shouldn’t be available to teenagers. There is a lot of mature and sexual content that does not and should not make sense to younger people.

There are a lot of adults who try to brainwash teenagers into following their beliefs and not think for themselves. The internet is a place where this happens more than anywhere else. This isn’t an exaggeration; just take a look around and see how influenced younger ppl are by who they interact with or just observe online.

Please take some time away from the internet. Please take responsibility for your well-being. Living with the pain sexual assault is very difficult and tumblr is not a healthy environment to heal from it.

this is actually the best and most important advice ive seen on the internet before, but also It's sad that I cannot stop using the internet. I had tumblr since forever and ive grown to ignore the sexual content (this applies to the whole internet as well), and I know how to ignore proshipping and things that trigger me as well. I'm not going to tell everyone to stop doing something just because I had to live something bad. all I was asking for was for weird people to not interact with me. there are also moments when I just delete certain apps just in case they become dangerous for my well being, but overall I've already got used to the horrifying part of the internet when I was even younger.

of course it's not healthy to let a kid use platforms or to interact with all sorts of strangers when they have a traumatic past and what they see or hear might trigger them.

it's extremely complicated for me because I love my blog, I love being able to share my art without irl people going back and forth with how weird it is just because they don't know from what show it is and things as such. tumblr has got to be also the most supportive platforms (for example, if I had to share my ship art on Twitter or Instagram, I'd get jumped by everyone and my name will be put in a bad light) and I've met many ppl (mostly minors) that eventually became close friends to me.

this advice is incredibly useful to younger people who just started using the internet, but for me it's already a bit too complicated to follow it, I appreciate it tho.

again, my point is that I can and I will ignore material that triggers me, I just don't want a group of people (especially adults) who create that media to not interact with this blog. not interacting is easy, so please stop continuing this into becoming a debate

[redheadlesbianfreak]

For the writing meme: 📡☯️💝

📡Why is sharing your writing important for fandom?

Thus far, I've only ever been interested in writing for small fandoms and posting for small fandoms. I've never written for anything big, so I don't know if I'll ever understand the huge impact that BNFs have on communities (though that sounds a little intimidating). For smaller fandoms, I feel readers tend to appreciate your work more, as it's less common to get stories from authors. A big reason why I can find it hard to write for bigger fandoms is that a lot of the ideas have already been taken (though this isn't quite true, there's always a story that someone hasn't written).

In little fandoms, you'll almost always be the first author to take a huge leap, and there's the idea that you might leave a bigger impact. I also think it's important to support smaller authors and less popular stories in general, especially if they resonate with you. I've met authors who are the only writers for their fandom, who are the ones who started their tag and carry dead/dying fandoms on their backs. It also inspires us to write more, and it inspires other people to take that leap and write their first story for the fandom.

☯️How do you think engaging with each other through tumblr, twitter, comments, kudos, creates healthy fandom experiences? How do you deal with that if you're not a social person/experiences social anxiety?

This one will tie into the answer to the previous question. I think that fandom survives with engagement. There are some authors that really do need that engagement and others who do everything for themselves. While I do think that you can get to a point where needing engagement is super unhealthy, I feel that both of these mindsets are completely valid. When you work so hard that you pour your heart and soul into something, you do want to gain something in return. Obviously, we don't do it for money, and most of us don't do it for fame either. We do it because we want our work to resonate with someone, to inspire them.

I've been in fic communities where people write for insanely small communities. And more often than not, the lack of engagement can truly get to people. It can cause people to give up on stories to make writers feel like they aren't appreciated. So honestly, anything to show us you care can help. Even a kudos can make someone's month, and a comment can be treasured forever. I'm really grateful for everyone who commented and kudosed and read my fics, because hey, they really didn't have to do that, but I did think that kept me going for as long as I did.

I do get a lot of anxiety interacting with strangers on the Internet. Responding to comments on Ao3 and on Tumblr can be a bit anxiety-inducing. Sometimes, I feel kinda guilty when I get comments on my work telling me that they thought it was good, which is really weird, isn't it? I think I need to get better at taking all types of feedback, negative and positive, and getting used to people interacting with my work. One thing I've loved about becoming an author is that I used to be too shy to comment. Now, I realize how important it is to get engagement, and I do it more often.

💝What is a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

I think that the answer to that is the first fic I ever published and the first fic I wrote for the Futurama fandom, which is Escalating. I'm not really sure what I expected to happen with that fic. I really didn't think it would get any engagement in such a little fandom, but it garnered way more attention. Now, it's one of the top Futurama fics on Ao3 in terms of stats, which is kinda wild to think about. It even surpassed some of the fics that inspired it in the first place.

I've debated as to why this ended up being the case at all, and I think it has a lot to do with a number of factors. For one, it was luck. I started posting in the summer, and I finished the fic very quickly because I had a lot of free time. It was the first fic for the pairing that I wrote that got over 50,000 words and got completed. On top of that, no one else was really writing for that pairing at the time, so that also helped. I don't think it would've been as well-liked if the circumstances were different.

One thing I'm worried about is that I don't want my most popular fic to be the first fic I wrote. No writer wants to peak early like that, we want to get more recognition as we improve. But I also have my eyes set on writing for even less popular fandoms now, so we'll see if that happens. Maybe one day I'll write something that will surpass it in stats. But it's important to remember that stats are never a guarantee that a fic is better written than something else.

[whetthypsycho]

Good morning to my new home on the internet???

Now that I've moved on from the god forsaken bird app for good now, it's time for me to figure out how to make this account feel me and get used to all the unwritten rules of this site.

Also gotta figure out how I'm going to be posting and what. The last time I had a Tumblr account was in highschool and I originally planned on making a webcomic with it.

It was called Prolonging Nothing. It was about three teenage kids accidentally causing, surviving, and preventing (time shenanigans) an end of the world where everything is swallowed by a matterless void.

Obviously I'm not doing that. I can't even remember the plot I'd planned out and I'm not even sure my original account is even anymore to take inspiration from, and even if either of those were true I'm not the same person who came up with those ideas anyways.

So what will I do?

Well, I need somewhere to post my art, and now that this place has once again legalized more sensitive artwork, I'm more comfortable posting here. Obviously I can't go all the way as to draw people engaging in intercourse but I wasn't planning on doing that publicly anyway nor was I really known for it in the first place.

That being said,

If you're familiar with my twitter, you might be aware that I wasn't really posting all that much art in the first place despite labelling myself an artist/creative. This is because I lacked drive. Still do, but I'm hoping that the nostalgia of using this site will help push me back into the groove of it. If it doesn't, well...

So what else will I do?

I'm a little bit shy about my interests, and I don't tend to talk much about them. This has always been true of me. When I was younger I used to be big into things like Homestuck and Doctor Who and Gravity Falls but you wouldn't be able to tell unless you asked me. This was despite the fact that all of my friends at the time would not shut up about them and were frankly a bit obsessed

In other words, I sucked at being a fan of things. I didn't participate in fandoms because it felt weird and unnatural to me and frankly I found it kind of cringe. But a part of me was jealous that people could be that carefree about what they enjoy. That they just ignored how other people saw them and just enjoyed what they wanted to enjoy.

This time, I plan to do that. I plan to be the cringe I used to be jealous of.

I'm an adult, and I've realized I don't need to hold myself to these weird restrictions I placed on myself as a teenager that made me think having fun and getting invested in things was cringe and weird and makes you look bad.

I want to enjoy life, and that means trying to undo all of that weird internalized ableism and misogyny and feelings like I need to cultivate an image to get people to respect me.

It's okay to be cringe.

It's okay to enjoy things.

And it's time I allowed myself to be cringe and enjoy things.

I allowed myself to be who I am once and it made me happier than any other time in my life, what's the worst that could happen by doing it a second time?

So, now what?

Now I see how this experiment pans out. I want to make it work, but the culture on tumblr now is entirely different than the culture on tumblr back then. All these desires could be distorted or altered into new shapes that better reflect the times, and frankly I kind of hope they do at least a little.

But I still want to have fun.

The world is going to hell, the economy is collapsing, people are getting radicalized to the breaking point, and I've got a bunch of unexplained health issues that are causing me a fuck ton of anxiety.

I don't want to live in that world or be stuck thinking about all the terrible things happening around me. Frankly I could get hate crimed tomorrow, or one of my health issues could turn out to be as bad as I'm terrified they actually are, or my entire family could die and my neurodivergent ass gets left to fend for herself with no idea what to do, or worse.

Any number of bad things could happen to me and ruin my life. I don't want to think about it. I just want to be happy while I have the chance to be happy, rather than succumbing to the morose nature of the world that we live in.

So I'm not gonna.

I don't have a plan, but this is a start. I'm gonna blindly take my first steps and see where they land me. If where I am at the end of this path is happier than where it began, I'll call that a success.

Even if the world and I should burn, I should at least get to enjoy it until we flicker out into the great dark unknown once again.

So to the people who stumble upon me while I'm here:

Hello!

[tottwriter]

I actually wonder if it goes beyond even just tumblr asks.

Because, as I'm sure anyone involved with fandom will know from those various plea posts which make the rounds now and then, there’s been a big shift in the way people consume fanfic as well. Comments used to be way more common than they are these days.

I think it’s part of a wider shift, not just in terms of tumblr culture - though I do wonder if there’s something of an overlap there, since a large chunk of fandom on tumblr migrated away post-nipplegate, and it definitely never fully recovered from that.

But just...overall, as you say, there’s been a definite swing in recent years away from websites - and even fandoms - being communities, and more...people see them as a hub. A landing page. A hashtag. It’s not the building where you and your friends hang out anymore, it’s a social stage on which you promote those aspects of yourself you are willing to be judged upon.

Because being honest, even on other platforms, there used to be a lot more interaction. I met friends on twitter, from following them and replying to tweets, or even sending random DMs. I got to know people from messaging them on ff.net after one of us left a review on a chapter and we got into a back and forth conversation.

And all of that that happened in a way I wouldn’t conceive of doing these days. These days, it feels as if you’re intruding to send someone a DM, or to insert yourself into their thread. Like, that’s a big gamble because you don’t want to come across as weird. You don’t want to be called out. It’s much safer to just join a Discord and get to know them there first...but of course, it’s not all that easy to find these discord servers, because it’s not as if they’re all public, either. 

So you have this catch-22 of people becoming isolated because their fandoms have splintered, and losing the confidence they either once would have had, or would have seen openly modeled for them by other people if they were new in town. And then because the social dynamic has changed and people don’t interact that way anymore, it just causes more isolation because those avenues to build community aren’t drawing people together.

Realistically, I think this isn’t just about ask culture. Ask culture dying off is a symptom of a wider problem, which is just that people are warier. You go onto a social media platform and you’re hearing about this or that drama, this or that person who people don’t like. Depending on the platform, and where and when you arrive there, you might know who’s been called out before you ever know who your fandom friends are.

For a bit of a stretched metaphor, we’ve gone from a playground of kids who all just play together and don’t question it unless someone is flagrantly a jerk, to a whole mass of clique-y teens who are just so much more self-conscious about their image, and fear being the next designated pariah.

Callout culture has a lot to do with that, obviously, and the rise of DNIs and various other tribal badges. But to push that poor metaphor even further...you have to assume that this is also a part of the internet as a whole growing and changing as we learn how to socialise in a way which wasn’t even theoretically possible fifty years ago.

These are digital society’s growing pains. And they suck, don’t get me wrong. But we have to hope that, as with children, one day we’ll mature past them, and look back on our awkward paranoias as just the folly of youth.

And hopefully we’ll send asks again, because ask blogs are fantastic and those who run them deserve better than to be starved into obscurity.

You know, an interesting tumblr transformation that's happened gradually, and which I've seen no one talk about: ask-culture has essentially dropped off to nothing.

By which I mean, asks used to be WAY more of the tumblr economy. They used to be more common to send, and receive, and see. They were integral to the collaborative, forum-like behavior of old tumblr communities, not even to speak on the HUGE number of ask-blogs that used to exist to only be interacted with in ask-form.

I'm not saying this in a vying-for-attention way but instead in an observational way: I used to get way way more asks in like 2015, even with a fraction of my follower count. I wonder if it's due to the homogenization of social media sites? There's a lot more of this divide between "content creator" and "consumer" instead of just a bunch of peer blogs who would talk to each other. "Asks" aren't really a thing on twitter, are they? And as I understand it, the closest thing to an "ask" on instagram or tiktok would be a creator screenshotting some comment and responding to it in a new reel or video or whatever those content mediums are. Are asks just too tumblr-specific? Is that aspect of the site culture dying out as more and more people converge to using all their social media sites in the same way?

[relaxxattack]

hi im asking u this bc u seem to be bee duo enthusiast so

ive been calling c! beeduos relationship platonic because i thought that was what their cc’s said, and i thought they had said that they were uncomfortable with ppl shipping the characters. But ive seen a lot of posts that say their relationship is canonically romantic? and i absolutely do not want to come across as homophobic by watering down a mlm relationship to just friends because that happens so much in media so.

what is the canon state of their relationship / ur opinions on the platonic thibg

dont worry abt answering if u dont want to!! i see a lot of differing opinions and i trust yours :)

aw it’s totally fine, im flattered you asked me about this!

let me put it simply: it’s a whole mess, lol.

first im going to talk about what’s happened fandom-wide that caused differing opinions, and then i’ll explain my own opinion/interpretation. :]

(this got really fucking long im so sorry)

ranboo and tubbo initially proclaimed the relationship was romantic, specifically in argument with the wiki editors who had set it as platonic by default. (you can see this in the vod where they decide they’re canonically married— it’s very funny. chat tells them the marriage is already on the wiki, they check, tubbo is jokingly offended that it says platonic and asks if he needs to up the romance).

tubbo also makes jokes about adultry, which sort of implies the relationship is not necessarily a platonic one.

(theres definetly more in that stream alone but it’s been a long time since i watched it so i don’t remember a lot of it.)

the wiki, because of this, suffers from going back and forth on platonic and romantic, seemingly unsure where the joke ends and the canon begins, or if its canonically a joke! a mess, as you can already tell.

this gets more complicated as the marriage bit goes on: outsiders, such as phil and scott, both at one point say “platonic marriage”, which then ranboo and tubbo agree with. however, when chat asks them if they’re platonic, they say the opposite. so there is a lot of confusion there.

there’s also the difficulty of being able to tell streamers and characters apart. ranboo and tubbo both don’t like being shipped irl, and that’s their boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. (they’re also minors, but tbh when they’re 18 in a year i will still be following their boundaries regardless of their legal age).

due to people not wanting to be accused of minor shipping, they started adding the platonic tone indicator to most of their drawings— basically a way of saying “no homo”. meanwhile, tubbo frequently on stream flirts with ranboo and makes quite a bit of nsfw comments towards him that are frankly hilarious.

this goes on for a while with nobody really sure what’s canon, but a lot of people assuming it’s probably platonic, until: the drama of the mods night. a few mods dmed all the wiki editors telling them ranboo wanted his canon character relationship officially set to platonic.

unfortunately for those mods; the very same day, a few hours later, ranboo on stream makes fun of puffy delivering him and tubbo “friendship flowers”. because, and i quote, “bruh. we’re literally married. this must be how the ancient greeks felt.”

in case you don’t know, the internet often jokes about how historians will call ancient greeks ‘very good friends’ when they are quite obviously gay. so in this context, ranboo is joking that people will call him and c!tubbo, who are married, “close friends”, when he doesn’t think they are.

basically, ranboo canonized romantic bee duo, the very same day the mods told everyone he’d wanted a platonic one.

chaos and drama immediately erupted everywhere. on tumblr, we were talking about how weird it was of his mods to do something like that without asking him first. we ALSO talked about how weird it was of them to assume that ranboo can’t make his own decisions, or assume teenagers cannot be in relationships without it being sexual. twitter did the same thing but in the opposite direction: called ranboo mods homophobic, or said they were mad ranboo felt pressured into making a romantic relationship canon ‘just so people could have mlm rep.’

i dont want to go into detail about the drama that happened that night because apparently official people follow me and i dont want to stir it up or have them come “clarify” things. im just saying what we talked about.

ranboo in typical ranboo fashion apologized quickly and seriously. he was deeply sorry for possibly offending anyone with how he’d portrayed his rp relationship with tubbo, and he also assured everyone the mod thing was just a miscommunication.

he said he would talk to tubbo and they’d decide once and for all whether it was platonic or romantic, and then announce so everyone would know.

it’s now been a few months and we've had no word from them on that development. we still have no clue.

-

now, here’s my opinion:

i want to take ranboos word for it that it was a miscommunication with his mods, but... we had it on good authority from people on the wiki team and people in the discord with the mods that (while it was happening) they were really going after the wiki admins, and also made some weird comments about it. that combined with the way ranboo seemingly had no clue (considering he canonized their romance that very same day).... it’s very. sus of the mods.

then there’s the canon we’ve got since then. although occasionally adults in the room have called it a “platonic marriage” and tubbo once (back when it first started) called it a “plankton tectonic” marriage, in roleplay it’s been... kind of not that. tubbo and ranboo make nsfw jokes about each other in character, and their characters also share a master bedroom and bed in the mansion. there's also the way c!tommy really thinks it’s a romance between them as well, and they agree with and play off that— for instance confirming that they “fell in love” when he asked, or ranboo confirming that they “make out on occasion”.

people will still put platonic on their art and posts, imo, because they’re worried about breaking ranboo and tubbo’s irl boundaries by looking like they ship them. or even just being accused of shipping real life minors. and that’s a valid fear to have.

the thing is though: c!bee duo are not cc!bee duo. they’re roleplay characters. cc!bee duo are not okay with being shipped, but they made their characters get canonically married, and call each other “husbands”. so it’s okay to write the word “husband” in your comic without adding “platonic” to it, i promise.

telling the ccs that their characters have to be platonic is... weird. it comes off as not only babying them, but also as saying teens can’t date without it being gross. which isn’t true.

(this is why seeing people overuse “platonic husband” so much bothers me. like, they ARE husbands. you can just say it. what are you trying to hide...?)

-

do i think they’re canonically romantic? ehh, its likely. it’s still okay to interpret them as platonic, because again, it’s hard to tell where jokes end and roleplay begins. like, maybe it’s jokes in the rp too, and c!bee duo are just friends. friends can and should be allowed to make jokes like that with each other! aro & ace marriages exist!

or, maybe it’s actually part of the rp, and they’re very much romantic. we don’t know!

some people say they could be a qpr (queerplatonic romance), which i could see. (a qpr is a relationship that fluctuates between, or can’t quite be sorted into, “romantic” and “platonic”. people in a qpr can do romantic things while having platonic feelings for each other). in my opinion this is a very valid interpretation as well!

-

CONCLUSION (sorry this got so long omfg):

are c!bee duo romantic?

its likely, but you can still interpret them however you like!

should i put /p on bee duo content?

ehhh? i find it annoying when it’s overused (as do others), but if you’re worried you can. its up to preference. putting it too much is weird though

should i put /p on things cc! bee duo do?

no. you’re not the one saying it so you can’t decide the tone tags for that. imagine you said something to your friend and a random stranger came up and was like “haha but that was /p right...?”

can i ship c!bee duo?

mmm. i’m not sure on this one. they are canonically married and very flirtatious, but the ccs don’t like being shipped and they’re close enough to being the ccs that actively shipping might be against boundaries.

can i treat c!bee duo as romantic?

yes. literally just don’t be weird about it. it’s not that hard! you can understand that two characters are husbands without making it weird

here’s the most important thing: boundaries. cc bee duo still haven’t told us what their preferences and canon is about this whole thing.

right now, i am assuming based on what they already show us they’re comfortable with, but! the second they give us any more info! all these opinions will change!

i am only going off what they do. i would never want to cross boundaries at all. i just wish they would make theirs a little more clear.

..... i hope that helped anon, i went way off the rails... i need to go to sleep.

[theyarebothgunshot]

ROSE I AM FREAKING OUT HAVE YOU SEEN THE PREQUEL STUFF???? WHAT IS GOING ON, my god... I was literally about to go to sleep, decided to check Tumblr one last time and see this.... what WHAT!! WHATTTT!!!!!! I don't even know if this is good bad or what but just JENSEN IS PRODUCING A SUPERNATURAL PREQUEL AND DEAN'S GONNA BE THE NARRATOR OR Sth LIKE???? -🐸

YEAH i am normal about this <3 (jk i am also freaking out) welcome to: people screaming to me in my inbox about prequelgate ft. j/2 fallout theory. let's goooo!

Another copypasta and suddenly chaos machine is full on gay I love this prophecy

you know whats funny i just checked the j/2 tag and i feel like for the first time in a long time they are starting to realise that maybe THEY should be the ones who are "gutted" *sips tea*

ROSE HOLY SHIT ROOOOOOOOSE ITS HAPPENING HOLY SHIIIIIT

YEAH

Nevermind just read prequel and well good luck I guess but just you know kind of bleh who wants to watch John Winchester well let’s have hope anyways

i know a lot of people are bummed out but i am kind of very excited actually?? i trust robbie and even though yeah j*hn winchester turned into a nasty abusive bastard, it can be interesting to explore how it all started (imo). it's just the first of many stories they can tell.

I can only accept this circus if it’s Dean telling the stories to his and Cas’ kids and then we have a revival to show that the whole finale was in fact the end Chuck wanted there Jensen I fixed it

i would not say no to this

heyloo bee anon here

um- wtf is happening?

jackles prequel series?? why? i want to be excited about this but sheesh im scared

because supernatural is never dead <3

okay, but, jensen... john winchester ≠ jdm, you don’t have to go /that/ hard for him 🙃

true true... though i am waiting for jdm to comment on this, please i need it

WAIT A SECOND J2 FALLOUT THEORY TRUE??

LMAO HELL YEAH BESTIE

Rose you really picked the worst time to sleep for real

bestie it was literally 4 in the morning, what do you expect from me sdfjsfhsf

I can’t literally can’t we were all right LMAO j2 fallout theory is real and cockles (Misha supporting Jensen) is [gunshots] I’m just laughing cause what the hell is this timeline we’re living LMAOOOOOOOOOO

we would always end up here <3

Do we have the copypaste anons to thank for JP basically confirming the J2 fallout? lol 🦚

yes, everybody say 'thanks annoying idiots!'

ROSE, WAKE UP, COME HERE,

THERE'S A LOT GOING ON FFS

YEAH I KNOW BUT I NEEDED SLEEP

Anticipating that there's going to be a lot of yelling about the prequel on here: I am cackling, but also, I mean, the first time Dean got a look into his parent's past, Cas was the catalyst: literally entered Dean's mind and catapulted him to the 70s. So idk, it's not completely unreasonable to expect some Cas cameos, maybe setting up a parallel timeline since Dean is narrating. What I'm saying is, this is Jackles, he's getting JDM and Misha in on this lmao -Honeymoon Anon

you were right lmfaooo also i fully agree. misha's tweet further cemented that thought for me. he knew about this prequel and i dont think he is cas-baiting us, i think he'll be involved. i'd also be obsessed to see jensen and jdm act together again (though idk who jdm could play seeing as it's a prequel and he is way too old to play young j*hn)

longlivethetribbles heeft gevraagd:

Heyyyyyy bestie, are you SEEING the absolute madness going on right now holy shit

well a little late but I SURE AM BESTIE

bestie wake up pls s16 finale just dropped.

- 🍯

and WHAT a great one it was

I love coming home from work to see all of the chaos unfolding on Tumblr and Twitter. I'm absolutely buzzing right now. I'll probably still be here by the time you wake up and check tumblr 😂 - 🐢

lmaooo and were you still awake?? did you see my freak out??

Oooh bestie wake the fuck up, I know you’re gonna be excited for this one jsnsjsj

god i had SUCH a morning like. it's 12:00 now and all i did since i woke up is check tumblr rip

short summary: jen and dee gain the rights, they post on ig/twitter about a prequel ft john and mary that no one asked for, the fandom loses its everloving shit as usual, they trend on twitter thanks to the beloved twt intern who missed us, misha qt’s jen about cas possibly benefiting from being in the prequel, then j*red qt’s jensen abt how his feelings got hurt by him not being told about a prequel his character as no involvement in & he initially throws a tantrum, and the rest is history - 🦋 anon (ps: i hope this helps a little, i’ve been scattered brained trying to keep up with it all night lmao so pls let me know if i missed anything, bug crew !!)

thank you so much darling i figured it out eventually but this is a helpful summary!!!

I hope you enjoyed waking up to all of this XD -🐢

i sure did!!! also that answers my question about you being awake lmao

I WILL NEVER EVER EVER FORGIVE MYSELF FOR SLEEPING THROUGH ALL OF THIS DRAMA AND NOT EXPERIENCING IT IN PERSON I DIDN'T NEED THIS SLEEP - tea anon

well the party was still going strong this morning so im not TOO "gutted" see what i did there lmaooo

Now that you are caught up with the news... So idk if you remember this but...didn't jarpad tell jackles he was up for a reboot in an online panel? And jackles answered that this was news to him??

-🍯

yeah i think you are right but he was clearly joking and didnt expect jackles to actually be working on something already

J2 anon spare more of those anons let's finish this - tea anon

please, we're having a ball in this bitch

I saw a post on tumblr where someone said now that Kripke gave J&D the rights, maybe they’re starting with a prequel just to end on a reboot in years time and honestly ? I wanna believe that so badly. This is tinhatty but what if this is all calculated in a way that makes it so that Jensen is slowly starting to fix everything that was wrong with spn - now that he has the rights and he’s slowly making spn his own story ?! I mean he did say in his ig post he wants to ‘fill in the rest’ - and maybe Mary and John’s story is only the beginning of spn related content from J&D to come ??? Maybe he wants to give spn the justice it deserves ?? Thoughts ??

i dont think this is tinhatty at all i think this is very possible and not that much of a reach. i could see this happening yeah for sure

want to hear something funny. I found out I had a ruptured blood vessel in my eye because I was sending my friend a video freaking out when the prequel news dropped and I noticed the corner of my eye was red af. and when I got back online jared had tweeted.

DJFHSJD ANON THE CHAOS OF IT ALL, HELP, are you okay? <3

rose.. bestie... how are you feeling about The News? nsfshsf being european is a curse </3 🐞

i feel GREAT im living for it i feel on top of the world tbh (and yeah it really is dsjfhs)

What am I waking up to I can't WHAT I rested my eyes for like 5 minutes help *hits reblog button* - anon anon

yep yep essentially djfhs

“Jensen and Misha are Co workers who barley talk”

I can’t be sure of course but I’m fairly certain that this is the copypasta that brought the j/2 fallout theory back to life. Who’s apparently ‘barely talking’ now? skansjsjsj. It’s almost prophetic, these j/2 anons have superpowers I’m telling ya.

-poker face anon

next time we get one of them we should be thanking them lmaooo

ok, but are we gonna talk about the "When Daneel and I formed Chaos Machine Productions, we knew that the first story we wanted to tell was the story of John and Mary Winchester [...]"-quote because the way this is phrased implies they formed CHAOS MACHINE Productions with the intent of telling this story (first), i haven't been in this dumpster long enough but the name just tickles me in that Misha way, isn't it so sus??? am i missing something???? i mean with this announcement they SURE lived up to that name... 🧩-anon

you are absolutely right, chaos machine SCREAMS misha and we are all here for it!!

hey hey hey. joining the clownverse, there's no way THEE cas girl danneel doesn't know just how much the fandom loves misha and cas. so 2 + 2 = misha in the spn prequel!

AGREED

So I think I finally managed to catch up on wtf happened while I was asleep and my brain melted. What a shit show to wake up to.

Anyway thoughts.

I don't hate the idea of a Mary&John sequel. I think it has the potential to be good (It has the potential to be really bad too, so I'm kind scared).

🕯️🕯️🕯️ manifesting Mary being badass and John being kinda useless🕯️🕯️🕯️

As for the Jensen and J*red thing.

I can see Jensen not telling J*red even if they are still friends, because J*red is kinda good at accidentally telling Secrets. He could have told him right before he announced it so, so that J*red didn't have to find out from twitter. He was on the show for 15 years, he is bound to get asked about it. The public twitter meltdown was really unprofessional so. Like you have Jensen's number J*red. You could have sorted that out in private like a normal person, but instead you choose to act like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

Is it weird that I'm actually going to be kinda that for them if the actually had a falling out, even tho I don't like J*red all that much. They seemed to be really important to each other and while I thought before that the might have triefted apart a bit, I didn't think that the where actively fighting.

- 🐌 anon

the thing is, the polite/normal thing for jensen to do was text him before announcing it on twitter. it's weird he didn't, and that makes me believe that maybe yeah they did have a falling out. especially with the way j*red responded to it on twitter. if he had no other reason to be this upset (no prior beef or falling out) you'd think that he wouldn't be responding like this. on the other hand, the man is a mysterie to me so who the hell knows. i'm not gonna mourn about it if they did/do grow apart because j*red is just.... awful imo.

[angstandhappiness]

INTERESTING

OP's tags @imminent-danger-came #THINK OF THE TRADGEDY#Wukong seeing MK act a little bit evil in 1x09: uh hold up no stop that#When he realizes it was just MK trying to be good enough: :0

@mythicalmagical-monkeyman #THINK OF THE TRADGEDY#< prev tags#to good to leave out#Yes!#exactly#thank you for putting my tiny strains of thoughts into actual word

@imminent-danger-came #wish I could be normal about anything ever#instead I write an in-depth theory post on why I think MK was fucked up in his past life#COME ON s4 SPECIAL. PROVE ME RIGHT#GIVE ME CRUMBS#THIS WOULD SLAP SO HARD#DO IT FOR ME#this ain't even mentioning the god damn curse#Cause like bro. The curse reacting to MK (being a part of MK?) the way it does is so fucking weird#Why did MK get a flash of it in 4x03. Why#''harbinger of chaos'' WELL MAYBE HE WAS ONE. MAYBE HE WAS.#eamk theory

@imminent-danger-came #YEAH ELDRITCH HORROR MK IS SYNONYMOUS WITH MONKEY DEMON MK#Tis the same thing. MK is a Monkey Demon and nothing can change that#Some good points here teehee#I think I'm on team ''pre-stone MK was a complete force of utter chaos'' but like.#A pre-stone MK being controlled and curated as a weapon is a really fun idea#Would have great Samadhi fire Mei parallels too#''Don't use the flame Mei...be the flame!'' ''You don't use a weapon! You are a weapon!''#''What if I fail everyone? What if I...lose control?'' ''Actually no no—the chaos and destruction that we'll bring upon the world will make#Wukong's past look like nothing''#Like at the VERY least MK was someone in a past life right. Like#It would be weird if he didn't. Literally every other member of the gang does#And everyone in this show is living past the end of their myth one way or another#anyways I'm so sorry tumblr ate your post#I've lost good men in tumblr drafts

@its-leethee #ok so i had this rb window open since yesterday cause i needed to sleep on it but nope time did not calm me down#my brain soundtrack stuck on eeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEE#always wondering where did mk's power come from & what they put in the baby monkey stone and like y'all are so smart eight steps ahead of m#sealed monkey demon/eldritch horror mk alright alright i'm in 100%

@mythicalmagical-monkeyman #...#what if he's the thing that killed the pilgrims#he would have been powerful enough to#and it would help explain why Wukong was involved#and why mk would be friends with their “reincarnations”#/descendant#because parallels

@ghostenluvs #prev#OH MY GOD#ur brain#but omg that would be so angsty #THIS WHOLE THEORY IS CRAZY BUT IN LIKE AN OMG WAY#LIKE MAN I'M HAVING THOUGHTS NOW#i love these long theory posts they get hte brain thoughts going#IT KEEPS GETTING BETTER

@i-am-a-fan #Do you think that’s why Mk is only part monkey demon? Because i can two schools of thought on that#one. he’s part SWK and part something else (probably celestial if i’m honest) but that would explain why he’s able to wield the staff#it also makes sense since the staff is has been said to only be wielded by swk himself#there’s no trials or anything of being worthy like thors hammer. you either are swk or you aren’t#Or TWO. MK WAS another celestial monkey#i say WAS because he might have been defeated and the put back together as seen in the frames shown above#Mostly because i really do think MK when broken down is actually really evil#I WILL ONCE AGAIN USE THE CLONE EPISODE AS EVIDENCE#you’re telling me that every clone made of the guy#that are supposed to be perfect imitations of the creator (mind you)#all of them. turned evil?#yeah that kid is fucked up#wow i had wayyyy more to say than i thought i did#welcome to my ted talk

@void-multimuse #stuff like this makes my brain go brrr so I wanna add it to my MK portrayal

@mythicalmagical-monkeyman #saw this on twitter#but this goes with inky going#"your friends will turn on you. seeing you for the monster you will become. they will DESTROY you#harbinger of chaos.”#because if MK killed them in their past lives#why would they keep him around if he could do it again#(I know they wouldn't though)

@wilyzombie #yall i just wanted to watch a cartoon with fun animation#it’s been only 2 weeks since i first started watching monkie kid#and now im obsessed

@newcyber-demonslayer#YO#WAIT#THIS IS ACTUALLY SUCH A GREAT THEORY#probably cause I’m a sucker for eldritch beings cause it fascinates me#especially the possible design options out there

@demigod-of-the-agni #op this was a DELICIOUS READ#i will now retreat to my cave and wallow#monkerkidd#SO MANY THOUGHTS.... SO MANY.......

@shiwinu #SOMEONE SAID#“CRAZY THEORY”#???#I'M IN#AHHAHAHAJAJA

Eldritch Abomination MK Theory

OKAY. @the-punning-ubus

I just want to say reading these tags are SO validating, because I have my little "MK was an eldritch abomination thing pre-hatching from stone" theory and seeing someone else come to pretty much the same conclusion feels good.

I've been meaning to write a proper theory post on this for a while, so now is as good of a time as any!

Obviously we have Wukong's "Not just anyone can wield my staff, but you did" from A Hero is Born and "The staff's just a big 'ol stick bud! It takes someone special to wield it" from 3x03, but there's also something in 1x09 Macaque:

Macaque: "Your staff kinda gives you away dude, not just anyone can wield that thing."

-

Macaque: "Ohohoh no, can't you hold the magic staff anymore? Well, you know what that means—there really isn't anything special about you. You're just a kid with a heavy stick."

-

-

The sweet irony of "There really isn't anything special about you. You're just a kid with a heavy stick!" followed immediately by MK lifting the staff again is not lost on me.

So, from s1 it was pretty obvious that Wukong didn't "give" MK any form of power, but we knew that already with MK being a monkey demon and all. I just think it's particularly intriguing that all of this was laid out in the same episode where MK proclaims "I am the weapon!". In all honestly, he probably was/is.

One of the main questions coming out of s4 is "why was MK created?"—Monkey King's stone was used to form another, but for what purpose? To what end? What reason was MK at the center of all these stories?

Well, here's my current theory:

MK was something in a past life, and that something needed to be contained—and so, to put a stop to past life eldritch abomination MK, he was then sealed away in the stone.

I think this scene in particular raises some alarm bells:

The stone cracks open, bursts with light, and then it closes—like something was put inside it. The scene could of course just be an aesthetic choice, or chosen to be this way for another reason we don't know yet, but it just feels so deliberate. A ball of light appearing from the stone, then another ball of light in the mystery woman's hands being revealed to hold a monkey, and then the stone reforming around the ball of light. I just can't help but feel there's something there.

Next I want to discuss the two key things that make me feel this theory has merit:

1.) MK has made a habit of breaking out of things he shouldn't be able to (the calabash in 1x05, the trigram furnace in 2x00, the scroll in 4x07, Destiny itself in 3x14) and the stone would be no exception.

2.) Every antagonist in this show has been sealed away in some form, then being released to resume their plans from before being sealed. Here's a list:

DBK was sealed under the mountain, and after being released continued his plan of world domination.

Spider Queen was metaphorically trapped in her fallen empire, and after being given the chance to rule the above world once again, immediately takes it.

The Lady Bone Demon was imprisoned in her tomb, and after being released prematurely (before learning the error of her ways), she continued her plan to destroy the world and create a new one.

Azure Lion was imprisoned in the scroll, and upon being released (by an unknown 3rd party), immediately worked to free his friends and then end the Jade Emperor's reign.

Now, I love foils, so MK breaking out of the stone he was sealed in, yet coming out an actually changed being unlike everyone else in this show, would be DELICIOUS:

Lady Bone Demon: ”No backup and no weapon? So, you’re plan is to fist fight a child?” Sun Wukong: “We both know that’s not what you are.”

(3x11 This Imperfect World)

-

Lady Bone Demon: "STOP! Have you forgotten? Destroy me and you destroy the host! Have you become so desperate to end me that you would sacrifice this blameless innocent child?" Sun Wukong: "You're giving me no choice! All the time you spent locked away, and you haven't changed a bit! I'm going to finish you, like I should have done a long time ago! I told you—you should have stayed buried."

(3x11 This Imperfect World)

-

Subodhi: "I have not brought you to your master. Although this is the stone from which Sun Wukong once sprung, it appears overtime, it was used to form another. A simple creature, with no past, no family, and no name. There is a reason you were at the center of these stories—a reason you can harness the power of the Monkey King himself!"

(4x06 Show Me the Monster)

-

(If you want extra fodder for this, please see this parallels post :3)

So, if MK were to hatch out of the stone—where *he* was sealed away—and he actually came out of it a "blameless innocent child" with "no past, no family, and no name", it would work exceedingly well. Wukong's not above giving people second chances, but if you use that second chance to try and destroy the world, you force his hand.

(Side note: it could also be the case that the stone was used to "reset" whatever MK was in his past life, and Wukong was originally meant to destroy whatever came out of the stone—which could be the reason he stayed at Flower Fruit Mountain for hundreds of years. However, when an child came out, a new being without a past or the memories of what it was before—Wukong choose to let it go. He choose to let it live a normal life—or even ensuring it could live a normal life—and it then found it's way to Pigsy. This definitely gets into real crack theory territory, but I did want to bring it up.)

Now, none of this is even mentioning the suspiciously MK shaped figure in the mural from 3x13:

Now, the figure in this mural is only shown when MK is also on screen, which is framing that drives me insane. Perhaps this is when they first caught MK's past life, then finally able to subdue him and seal him in the stone.

And so, if MK really was this terrible chaos driven abomination in his past life, what does that mean ✨thematically✨?

Well,

Sun Wukong: “Point is, mistakes happen, but so long as you leave the world in better shape than you found it, then it’s all good. Right?”

(4x01 Familiar Tales)

-

SWK: “ENOUGH! I’ve never let anyone dictate my destiny in the past, and I’m not about to start now. None of us are! We can’t change who we were yesterday or in a past life, or a hundred life times ago! We live with the choices we’ve made, for what matter is the choices we make RIGHT NOW! Only we decide who we are and what we do with the power we have.”

(4x07 Pitiful Creatures)

-

MK can't change who he was in a past life. He can't change that the roads all lead to pain. But you know what he can do? He can try. He can try and get a little bit better every day. He can try and help people. He can try and make the world better than he found it.

Maybe in a past life, MK caused just as must chaos and destruction as Wukong did in his past. Maybe he caused even more problems than he has as the Monkie Kid. But that also doesn't undo the good he's doing now.

Anyways, that's my "MK was an eldritch abomination thing pre-hatching from stone" theory. Hope you enjoyed

[luxuriantegg]

POV: you're watching Loki episode 5. Loki and Sylvie share a blanket, and then five minutes later sylvie’s like “we’re the same :)” which comes after them holding hands to cause a Nexus event, Mobius implying they're in love, and Loki appearing to want to confess some sort of adoration for her before being pruned,,, and so far, it seems the showrunners/writers are on board w/ calling it a love story,,,,,,,,,,

let’s dive a bit into this ship.

(note: i'm not going to tag this as "syl//ki," and i will not put any ship in the body text without the "//", but tumblr may take the "syl//ki" out of "anti syl//ki" and put it in the ship tag. that's out of my hands. you need to block "anti syl//ki" if you don't want to see that.)

when it comes to defending or being anti syl//ki, I think a lot of people sort of missed the memo on or forgot about the fact that Loki is a frost giant. I have looked on both Twitter and Tumblr and literally have not seen a single person talk about it in the selfcest debate so far. I've probably missed something. So if you have seen this argument, well, here it is again!

so, syl//ki defenders will say,

It’s not selfcest because they are genetically different. They might have different parents since they were adopted by the Asgardians.

If they were genetically similar, then they would also be genetically similar to Boastful Loki and Alligator Loki.

First of all. Loki’s last name is Laufeyson. Sylvie’s last name is Laufeydottir. Due to the naming conventions used here, both can be assumed to be children of Laufey. I realize we haven’t seen Sylvie’s Laufey, but who’s to say they look any different than the one we saw in Thor? Furthermore, there’s nothing to suggest that they weren’t adopted by the same exact couple (i.e., Odin and Frigga or some variation), and if you’re not ok with Thor and Loki, you probably should consider this. Probably. We'll really just have to see what happens if they develop Sylvie further. Who knows, they might get cold feet in the last episode and actually make her Enchantress (Sylvie Lushton) proper.

The second point really pisses me off not just as someone who loves Norse mythology but also just. The race card. Does no one remember the fact that Loki is actually supposed to be blue? He’s not genetically white. There is nothing in his genes that command him to be white. That is a disguise (originally put on him by Odin if I’m not mistaken? feel free to check me on that).

Loki could literally be any gender and/or any color he wants to be. Hell, we've seen him shapeshift into Steve Rogers briefly and Odin presumably for a good while. Really, it's hard to pass judgement on the relationships that the other Lokis have to their respective timelines. We can only make assumptions based on the evidence we have. (but also have fun with headcanons of course)

(also the funny part about bringing up Boastful Loki is ,, everyone is always like “well, are you trying to tell me that our Loki has the same genes as Boastful/Hammer Loki? 🙄🙄🙄” and like, they won’t come out and just say one is white and one is black like,,, :) they’re trying so hard not to sound racist it’s hilarious. AND THEN TO PUT ALLIGATOR LOKI IN THE SAME CATEGORY. LAUGHABLE. str8 up.)

But concerning the alligator, in Norse mythology, frost giants can have kids that are really just. Out there. Jormungand is a snake that can wrap itself around the world, Fenris is a gargantuan wolf, and Hel is a half dead child. Those are just Loki’s kids (note: in the mythology. they also exist in the comics as his children, but I am also aware that Fenris and Hela are not his children in the MCU and trust me, that peeves me a lot). I’m sure there’s more examples though. So like. Potentially????? Yeah, Loki Prime could be genetically similar to Alligator Loki.

Furthermore, according to this Gizmodo article, Alligator Loki is a Loki (2021) creation, and they admit to playing with the idea that Alligator Loki may not even be a Loki. So take that how you will.

So my verdict is that Loki and Sylvie are the same person with different looks, possibly some difference in genetics, depending on the mother.

(note: Loki is marked in his file as genderfluid, technically we cannot know what he was assigned at birth. we only know his pronouns. he could be AFAB. Sylvie may be AMAB.)

I don’t ship lok//ius, and I don’t care if Loki gets with a girl (I actually really like Loki and Darcy) so don’t come at me with the biphobia excuse that’s running around. I will say that yes, I would adore seeing Loki in an mlm or wlw relationship. Yes, it is really cliché to have the two opposite gender-presenting leads get together. Yes, I want to see Loki and Sylvie as friends/family. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. I’m just here to ask if this is selfcest or not.

So yes, Syl//ki really does appear to be a selfcest ship and like, if you’re willing to own that, own it. It looks like that’s how the show’s going so far so,, uh,,, enjoy it if that’s something you want to do I guess. I’m ,, probably not going to though. But congrats on the canon! If it is!

I’m not asking you to stop shipping it, if you do. I'm not even asking you to ship with caution. Overall, I just hope I made you think a little more about it and maybe get a discussion going that doesn't revolve around the same arguments we've heard for the past three weeks.

Because like, it's not hurting anyone to ship it, and if you send hate speech to any shippers or the showrunners, literally what is wrong with you???? there are civil ways to discourse, my lord.

Personally, if I had to ship it, I would only do so as a self-love metaphor, and I think that's as far as I would take it. As it currently stands, it's on the same level of Oncest, so like. it's weird but honestly it doesn't hurt anyone. (and if you don't know what Oncest is, give this video by Sarah Z a watch.) Really it all just amounts to this test from Buzzfeed that you've probably seen in fandom memes before. So you can use that as your squick-o-meter when it comes to this ship.

I will end this by saying I am not pro-ship. Inc//est and pedo//philia have no place in fandom and thinking these are okay could lead to harmful thinking in real life, especially with regards to children in fandom.

Selfcest is not technically on the same level as inc//est, and yes, I know, in the words of the great Buzzfeed Unsolved team, "anytime you have to say technically that's not great" but I really mean it here. We can still say technically here.

TL;DR: yeah syl//ki is more than likely selfcest. don't send hate to people who ship it tho (this includes the showrunners).

[sabbywrites]

Let’s talk.

This is a long post that also happens to be long overdue. Also posted as a thread to my twitter (tl;dr at end). 

Hi everyone. It’s been a while. I’ve been debating for a little bit on how to write this, going back and forth between feeling scared and feeling determined to say what I want to say. I’m finally at a point where I can confidently say: let’s talk.

First, I want to say this: I’m sorry. I haven’t been very consistent these past two years, with both my writing and with keeping in touch with everyone I’ve met online. If you’re reading this and I haven’t spoken to you in a while, know this: I will be getting in touch with you soon. I haven’t forgotten the amazing people I call friends.

If you folks will have me, I’d love to catch up with everyone I haven’t talked to during my absence. I want to make one thing very, very clear— me being gone was never about me not wanting to talk to the people on here or participate in this community. The thing I regret the most about being gone is leaving people in the dark. If my absence has in any way, shape, or form hurt you, I cannot begin to apologize enough from the bottom of my heart. That was never my intention, although intentions don’t fix the hurt caused.

I want to discuss the reason for my absence, so please bear in mind that I’m not trying to excuse being gone— just explain why.

Some of you may know that I have three diagnosed mental conditions that have mostly been manageable through medication and therapy. When I first started writing online, I was halfway through undergrad and I wanted a place where I could put my writing so people might enjoy it. I found that pretty quickly on Ao3. As I worked on getting my writing degree, I would spend hours and hours working on what became ASID. I was thrilled beyond belief when ASID drew in readers who left wonderful comments.

I have a huge amount of love in my heart for everyone who has ever read any of my works, and I wouldn’t change anything about that. Ever. But as I graduated from college, I started noticing that my mental health was on a sharp decline that it hadn’t been on since high school. I tried to keep it at bay for a while, because I was sure I would bounce back.

I did not.

I began to take small breaks as I jumped into graduate school. I feel very purposeless without school in the background of my life; I’d gotten a degree that a lot of people in my life implied was useless, and with every break I took I felt more and more like an imposter. What’s a writer who doesn’t write? Had I gotten my degree for nothing? I trudged on through grad school and received my Masters in May. It still didn’t feel right. I felt like a failure.

Every time I logged on to talk to friends or check my comments, a voice in the back of my head kept popping up. I was getting older and less motivated. Life outside of undergrad hit me all at once. Nothing I wrote felt good enough to post. The amount of debt I was in already made me ill, and I went through four years of schooling just to feel like the degree I earned was for nothing.

There’s a weird misconception that artists have to be suffering to make good art. We have to be low to do our best. And I was low, lower than I had been since the absolute worst days of my life, and I still couldn’t produce anything. The pain wasn’t enough to jump-start me. What worth did I have, then? What worth does someone who has put their heart into their writing have if they can’t write anymore?

I mistakenly felt like I was an imposter among genuine people, like the friends I had made and the writers I admired were on the other side of a window, in a place I couldn’t get into. When the pandemic rolled around, things had already been teetering on the edge. I won’t sit here and pretend that I got hit any worse than anyone else during 2020— I had a roof over my head and a place to go during my state’s lockdown. But there was ample time, and yet I still wasn’t writing. I couldn’t even do that right. I had to rawdog my mental illness for a stretch, live in a town where the worst trauma of my life had happened to me, and feel like a total, complete, garbage failure every single day. Logging in was more and more of a reminder that I was dead weight.

Financially, I wasn’t doing much better. In the past year or so, I’ve had to provide for myself living on my own on an nonprofits’s pay (not much), as well as occasionally provide for my uncle. I’d thought that by my mid-twenties my life would be different; that I’d be better. In the last few months, it’s become clear that I require surgery for something that may not yet be able to be covered by my insurance; my options now are to wait for it to progress and get worse for coverage or pay out of pocket for the surgery sooner. It’s likely I will need a second one afterwards to completely correct my issues.

For a while, that just made the idea of writing again feel selfish. Why spend time interacting with the community when I should be working to make money because I wasn’t eligible for the stimulus? Why sit down and write something that I would probably just scrap anyway? There’s a lot of other more personal things that happened during my absence that I won’t delve into, including the passing of our family dog. I’m sorry if this seems vague as well, or if it appears that I’m just trying to make excuses— I’m not. Ever since I was younger, I’ve always kind of receded in on myself any time I feel anxious or like a phony. I know it’s not a good habit.

So that’s why I’m here right now, writing this. If I could go back and tell myself that those things I thought about myself weren’t true— that I deserve to have fun in this community and I deserve to talk to the people I care about— I would. But unfortunately, I can’t do that. All I can do is move forward.

I’m not going to sit here and promise that things will be the way that they were back when I first started; not right away, at least. But as of lately I’ve been letting myself peek at my Tumblr dash every so often or log into my Ao3 to see my comments. Those things used to scare me— and they still kind of do right now— but I can’t let them anymore. Joining this community is one of the best things I have ever done. I mean that. The people I’ve met, the comments I’ve received, hell even the discourse I’ve jumped in on— I wouldn’t trade any of it. Things might be overwhelming for a little bit as I adjust to being back after so long, but I want to be here. I want to let myself be happy again.

If you’ve read this far— thank you. Thank you so much for your love and for your patience. Like I said before, I cannot stress enough that my absence was because of myself alone and had nothing to do with my amazing friends on here or the community. If I haven’t messaged you in a long time— again, I apologize. I really, really did drop off. But the only way I can be better at being consistent with the people I care about is by holding myself accountable, not shrinking away.

It may take me a few days to really sort through all of my unread messages and comments and asks and give them the attention they deserve. But I promise, I’ll reach out to everyone whenever I’ve taken the time to do so. Thank you all for being there even when I am not.

Tl;dr—Mentally and financially, I’ve been struggling a lot this past year. I fell back into bad habits of receding into myself and leaving people in the dark, and I really wish I hadn’t. I’d love to be a more active part of this community again. I love all of you so, so much. 

[captaincravatthecapricious]

Painful Use of Powers

Tim and Jon are having a friendly discussion that is rather rudely interrupted when Jon accidentally Beholds something. They powers of the eye have faded after the world is back to normal, and it makes Jon very ill.

Cw panic (not detailed), vomiting (he vomits static so like.... not anything gross just weird), food mention, baby shark

This prompt is from the bingo on my tumblr, feel free to send a prompt, a character, and let me know if you want a drawing or a fic!  The starred ones I already have prompts for, the crossed out ones are ones I have already posted.  Bingo by @celosiaa​!

“It’s… been pretty strange.  About half the people I talk to remember everything about… well, you know.  And the other half don’t seem to remember anything at all.  Just remember before… and then remember after.  I have to wonder if it’s a trauma response thing or ….some weird eldritch thing.  But… not actually that curious, if you know what I mean?”  Tim is sitting on the couch next to Jon.  Once upon a time, they maybe would have been flush with each other.  But it had been a long time since they were that comfortable together.  Jon hopes that one day he will feel safe enough to lean on Tim again.  

Jon half swallows a partial laugh.  Not a particularly humorous one, just a huff of air, really.  “I’m curious… of course I am.  I just… try to avoid thinking about it.  Curiosity is a little dangerous for me…  Which is irritating because being a teacher is about Learning as well as teaching.  And apparently it is down to me to try to revive these children from the fatigue of rote memorization without an independent will to learn!”  

“Ha!  You inspiring people to learn!  Are you sure you don’t just give them that glare of yours and tell them when the homework is due after babbling to them for an hour about whatever.  Bet they don’t get a question in edgewise!”

Jon gives Tim that very glare.  And Tim laughs properly.  Which fills Jon’s chest with hope.  He shouldn’t hang on the every positive response he gets from Tim… but he does.  

“Actually I read something funny the other day!  I was on twitter and I found a threat that had a theory that one of those stupid kids songs brought about the Eyepocolypse!  One of those ones that you sing over and over again until every adult that ever met you just wants to clobber you…. I think it was the baby shark one…  Whatever the fuck that is.”

Static fills Jon’s mouth.  Buzzing through the air.  And he Knows the song.  The words.  The many many many versions.  

B̠̼̙͙̘͚̺̓̋̿͑̓͘͟͞ả̶͎̜̙̩̖̋̈́̆̂̚ͅḇ͕͓̘͖̦̫̥͂̊͂̀͂̇̇̂̚͜͢y̟̬̳̱̦̘͖̗͑͑͛̀̚͝͞͞ s̘̠̪̠͎̻̯̰̏͂̒̍̒̏͞ͅẖ̴̢͕̙͕̟̤̯͆̊͂͐̆͜ą̛̙̞͇̹̪̖͕͈͆̽͗̇͋̍͘͘͜r̡̛͍̹̳͉͕̱̝͔̾̒͛͊͐̾̿̕͠ͅķ̯̼̀̉͒͆̌̈͜͢͡ d̷̪͙͓͔̞̗͂̋̀͆͆̕͜͞ơ̵̲̩̦͐͋̊̔̉̑͢͢͠ͅ d̜̳̜̺̣͓̟̿̽̔̽̑͜ͅo̸̙͈͇̠̣͐̿̾̂̏̇̚̚ͅ d̸͍̞̹̫̤̀̑͒́̒͊̔ǫ͚̮̳͇̤̰̦̖̀̋̋͂͌̋͑͢͡ d̲̜̹̤̘̝͖͗̀͑̆̽͢ǫ̴̛̤̤̗̝̯͒͆̂̿̀̐͝ͅ ḍ̶͈͇͖͔̫̯̥̄̃͋̄͌̀̇̑͛͋͟ö̢̖̥̯̹͙̱̓̀͋͗͟͡ d͔̬͚̤̩̯͛̽̏̈͘o̪̼̬̯̮̼͌̈̎̐́̕ b̷̢͙̮̱̹͓̎͑͂̊̋̋͛̊͋̇a̗̩͍̩̲̾̇̄͐̾b̮͇̖̣̭̫͎̂̽̅̾́̄͠ỷ̷͚̘͕̫̲̩̠̮̬͒͆̾̃̅͑̓̄ s̲̳̖̼̩̙̓̿͆̉͛̃͒͝͠͡h̴̡̺̯̮̼̙̜̋̓̋͐̿͢ͅa̴̳̩̲͓̱̞͊͊̓̑̄͢ͅṟ̷̨̛̬͎͕̮̖̣̜̎̌̂̎͢k̟͍̱͍͛̅̉̏̑͑͌͡ͅ d̸̥͓̻̗̩̮͖̓͛̀͒̈̉̀̕͞o̹̭͓͎̤̝͆͂͆̈́͗d̵̙͕̼̖͔̬͚͕̞͂͑̒̀͢͞͝͞o͖͕͉̘̠̹͑̂̂̽̌̋͜ḑ̢̟̙̝͋̈̾͌̆͐͋͂̓̌͜ơ̛͖͎͖̱̳̘̓̽̒̔͌͐̔͒͢ḑ̵͍̱͙̘̙̇́̃͡͞o̴̧͓̼͔̜̣̲̻̔́̓͒͗͂́͜ͅd̨͓͈͎͚͕̳̝̩̿͋̂̔́̔̈̇̓͜ȍ̷͕͙̝͎̙̼̣̃̍̏͘̕͟͞d̴̩̩͖̙̘͕͓̼̯̊̿́̾͋̄͘̚͞ŏ̞̤͉̱̝̯̔̄̅͊̑͟ w̴̰̥̱̲̦̤̘̠̑̅̉̓̀͢ę̶̛̬̗̗͓͍̟̏̀̓͗͑͢ṇ̙̟̳̅͑̾͆̈́̀͋͢͞t̵̠̯̫̙̘̺̳͋̋̍͒͂̍̌̐̋ f̸̻̭̫͚̮͐̑̉̄̍̓̂͝ȯ̢̨͔͍̥̲̌̅̋̂͋r̢͔̥͈͎̭͔̼̹̀̿̀̂̊̈́̊͜͠ ả̢̡̛͉̙͓͎̩̈̈̑̇̒͢ͅ ş̺̦͍̣̬͔̭̲̅̓͑̿͗̍ͅw̺̺͉͙̩͚̻̣̜̪̿̍̽͒̎̀̚͝í̢̺̥̩͖̹̣͖͚̈́̿̐̏͜m̶̜̯̺͙̯͒̔̈́̍͞͡͠ d̶̢̨̡̛͓̖̥̱̩̹͊͒̔̽̈̎̽̚ò̤̤̪͎͔̺̽̍̋̅̆̔͠d̳͎̥̟̺̰̰̘̿̌̐́̄̌ơ͔̣̝̱̪̟̪̑̒̿̑͆̂̓̍̃d̢͎͖͖̭͓̭́̌̇̊̇̀͗͛ơ̴͖͓̤̝̘̯͓̐̊̓̾̕͜d̷̤̺̫̙̠̜̬̈̆͐̽̚͟ő͕͚͖̳͙̭̞̜̓̊͊͘͘d̴͈̲̰̬̘́̈́̓̚͠ȍ̶̠͙̜͖͉̱̥̄́͛͌̌̈͟d̳̜̮͓̀̓͒̈̌̅͌͢o̺͕̙̺͔̫̍̾̾̍͊

.

The knowledge floods his senses.  Too many words.  Too many songs.  And he can’t stop it until he has experiences every annoying children’s song and rhyme and poem at once and he can’t take any of it in and he can’t thinkcantthinkcantthinkcantthinktoomanywordstoomanytoomany 

sharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharkDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDo

The static crackles in the air, and Jon’s vision goes dark.  

Jon wakes up and throws up.  Or would, if his insides hadn’t turned to static.  As it stands, static floods his mouth and echos around the bin that has been shoved hastily in front of his face.  

He thinks vaguely this must be an unpleasant experience for whoever is guiding him upright and holding back his hair.  

Even so, it is miserable for him.  

This is one of the least pleasant experiences of his life.  Which is saying something.  

It hurts.  It feels like he is being turned inside out and his head sawed in two.  

Once his body is done, his eyes are leaking static is well and he slumps further, head still in the bin, breathing hard.  He groans, pitifully.  

He allows himself a minute.  A minute to try to process the information overload that sent him into this state.  To try to feel more real and less like a manifestation of buzzing energy.  

He can’t drag his eyes open.  He doesn’t even want to try.  

Then he remembers Tim.  

Tim who is almost certainly the one rubbing his back.  

Tim who just witnessed Jon Behold something.  

Tim who thinks Jon has this under control.  

Jon is supposed to have this under control.  

But does he?  Does he really?  Because this Does happen.  Not too often anymore, but it does.  Jon can’t always.  

Sometimes a weak compulsion threads through his words.  Sometimes he something slips through into his subconscious.  And sometimes, the floodgates open like they just did, and Jon’s body is not equipped to deal with that now, if it ever even was.  (Which it wasn’t.  He remembers lying on his office floor… sick and shivering for hours before Basira found him at his desk, having finally found the strength to stand, plagued by a raging headache.)  

Tim wasn’t supposed to see that he is still like this… this… monstrousness that hasn’t gone away.  It hasn’t.  Just a bit weaker.  Still out of control and he should have this under control by now!  It’s been years!  

And he can’t think anymore because it hurts too much, and even the gentle hand on his back is too much like hitting.  Like scratching.  And he knows it is just oversensitive skin and he knows that touch is fine and grounding and good, but his brain can’t tell the difference anymore.  Not after years of hurt have been visibly pressed into his skin.  And not when merely existing is rending his head in two.  

He is breathing hard with a solid band of panic crushing his lungs.  And he’s gagging around more static.  And static is streaming down his face and he can’t let Tim see him like this.  he can’t.  He can’t!  He doesn’t want to lose Tim again.  He can’t do it again!  Not when things are so close to good that it hurts.  

He tries to get up.  To hide, but it sends him retching again.  

Tim is alarmed.  Not about Jon’s use of powers.  He’s… something close to okay with that.  Well… not Okay okay with it.  But it’s still… just Jon.  It doesn’t happen often.  And Martin warned him Long before allowing them near one another, the second conversation they had after Tim ran into him in the grocery store and had to go through the awkward business of ‘yes I’m alive, sorry I didn’t say anything, also here’s Sasha who you thought was dead.  What do you mean you almost got yourself killed because you were left with nothing to live for?’  That had been…. a conversation to remember.  

In any case, Tim knows that Jon isn’t entirely human.  Mostly human, at this point.  But… not entirely.  Sometimes things like this happen, although Martin hadn’t said anything about….. all the static.  Something about ink?  Something about some minor compulsion.  And that Jon is… not cagey about it… but skittish.  That he still expects to be punished for this thing that he clearly can’t entirely control.  He knows that Jon occasionally Knows things on purpose and gives himself migraines.  Much to Martin’s worry.  But accidentally Beholding… well it looks worse than a migraine to Tim.  This looks painful, and like it’s quickly devolving into a panic attack.  

Which… Tim has a sinking feeling is because he is there.  This would be…. the third one he’s caused.  At least that he knows of.  

There was the time that Jon was under the weather and compelled him by mistake.  There was the time when he’d finally gotten comfortable around Jon again and had started joking and something in the tone of his voice or the volume had sent Jon into a messy spiral.  And now this.  He’s been so careful.  He wants his friend back.  And they were finally getting somewhere with easy visits without Martin moderating.  Finally.  

And now Jon is sick and hurting and  afraid and Tim is probably just making it worse.  

Jon flinches away from his hands with a whimper, and his theory is strengthened.  

He stops.  Timothy Stoker takes consent very seriously.  “Do you want me to let you go?  Can you sit on your own?”  

Jon whines again, forehead resting on the edge of the bin.  Dreadfully pale and face crackling with a static that Tim guesses to be sweat or tears… possibly both.  

He would absolutely let go of Jon if he was sure he could safely do so, but… Jon looks as if he might just topple over as it is.  Best not to disturb him too much.  And if he looks uncomfortable with the arrangement, then Tim will try to fix it.  However he can.  

Until then, he ought to call Martin.  But he can’t get up without dislodging an unsteady Jon.  And Jon doesn’t look up for sitting in on a conversation.  

He sends a text instead.  

There’s been an incident.  We’re okay, but if you could come back here soon… Please come back soon.  

Jon cries.  And so does Tim.  Softly.  Briefly.  So many steps they have taken together, and there is still a journey before them.  

Martin’s home.  Jon would cry with relief if he wasn’t already crying.  Finally real tears instead of trails of static.  Every time he’s tried to move has made him sick.  He eventually gives up and leans against Tim.  Shivering slightly.  He wishes he could get some painkillers, but…. he can’t even sit up.  Not even far enough to let Tim get up.  

He did find it in himself to weakly sign for Tim to wrap an arm around him.  

It’s grounding.  And solid.  And warm.  And real.  

But now Martin is here.  Speaking in low tones to Tim.  Hands on his face.  Jon leaning into Martin’s warmth.  Martin wiping his damp face with a warm flannel.  

“Hey, sweetheart.  Jon, what happened?”  Martin.

Jon doesn’t want to open his mouth.  Insides still unhappy static.  He signs, “Baby Shark.”

Tim chokes on a laugh.  

It jostles Jon, which causes him to groan.  But… but.  A laugh is good.  It isn’t derisive.  It’s… just warm.  And very Tim, as he once was when they were together.  As he is, now.  

Tim stays for dinner.  It’s takeout.  And while Jon is still queasy, he manages a little bit of soup before falling asleep.  Still leaning on Tim, Martin cradling his legs.  

[knitting-with-norbert]

Normalising Anxiety Stuff

So this is basically the short cut of my full blog post about this, but anxiety is shit in general but what’s even more shit is some things that come alongside it that people just don’t talk about? Because I know that there were some parts of my anxiety that I didn’t realise were normal for people going through the same things as me - and so I wanted to try to write about some of the stuff that went on with me that I’ve since learnt are normal, in case there are other people who are going through what I went through

(Also I put a load of photos of my dog because she’s cute and makes dealing with this shit a whole lot easier)

1. Sensory Overload

So this is a big one and I genuinely think that I could talk about it forever, but I’ll try to keep it short. I hadn’t actually realised until very recently that sensory overload was a real thing.

All those times I was sent spiralling into a panic attack because everything was too loud around me? Or when I would have to literally cover my ears and start humming to try to calm myself down because I was finding some background noise too loud? Or how, year after year at my dad’s birthday party I would end the night sobbing on the ground because the fireworks were just too fucking loud?

Yep, sensory overload.

And there I was thinking that there was no real cause, that I was just being dramatic or perhaps I was just a little jumpier than most people. But no, it’s a very real thing that doesn’t get talked about enough, and I wish that I had known that it had a name and that other people were going through the same thing because I think that then I would have known how to better deal with it when all my senses were too overwhelming

You’re not strange for getting overwhelmed in situations that are too loud or by textures that you don’t like or anything like that – it’s not just you that it happens to. And so please reach out to someone who you know does understand it and don’t be afraid of asking them if they can help you figure out healthy ways of managing those times where you are feeling that overwhelmed

And if you don’t know who to ask, then I’m here. Be it on my instagram, twitter or Tumblr (where I do have anonymous asks open) if you feel like you want to talk to me about it please don’t hesitate to. I will repeat again that I’m not at all a medical professional, but I do have a solid past 19 or so years coping with my own sensory overload bullshit so I can try to help you to figure out what works for you

It sucks to feel alone going through any mental health shit, but in particular this always makes me feel so, so lonely and if I can help anyone going through it to feel even just a smidge less isolated then that’s a win in my books

2. Adrenaline Crashing After Social Situations

This is such a big one for me, but I think that a lot of my friends who I’ve spoken about it with all already knew that this was a thing and I was just being dumb about it. But I wanted to put it down anyway in case there are people who don’t realise that this is pretty normal

When you go out into a social situation or even just somewhere out of your comfort zone like leaving your house and going to a public space or I know I get it when I go into a shop, even if I use self service I still get a huge adrenaline rush just from being outside basically. 

Because to your anxious brain’s mind you have just returned to somewhere safe (your home or school or friend’s house for example) from an environment that it deemed as being ‘unsafe’, hence why it activated your fight or flight. So naturally upon returning to a place that you feel comfortable in and it starts to regulate your hormone levels again it’s going to leave you drained and sometimes the comedown from that can send you spiralling into a panic attack

Again: it sucks. But it’s a normal thing, please don’t think that you’re overreacting or exaggerating or whatever because of it. A lot of people with anxiety have this happen to them

3. Post-Event Rumination

It’s essentially just being completely and utterly self critical over everything that you did, even if you weren’t doing anything out of the ordinary

For example, if I ran into my neighbour and had a quick conversation with her, literally just exchanging no more than just “hi, how are you?”‘s, that run-in would be playing on repeat in my head for at least the next day and I’d be sure that I must have said something wrong or she knows something that I don’t or anything like that.

For me, if the adrenaline crash wasn’t enough to send me spiralling into a panic attack, post event rumination pretty much always is. But I found a weird amount of comfort in being told that, actually, it’s a thing that a lot of people deal with! A lot of people do it and I’m not strange for being one of them. So that was nice for me to hear at the time, especially to find out that it’s real enough that it had a name, and so I thought that there was someone else out there who might need to hear it too

4. Crashing/Spacing Out

This one is so, so common for me, but no matter how often it happens I always just feel so fucking rude, like, it can literally be the most interesting conversation in the entire world and I just…. won’t be able to concentrate? For the life of me?

As it turns out, though, that’s apparently completely normal for people with anxiety, especially in regards to the social side of it. It’s something that I actually did research in myself rather than trying to talk to one of my friends about it. And that’s because I didn’t know how to admit to being constantly spacing out in conversations with them (as in, more than they would notice) without it straight up just sounding really rude.

But it only took me a pretty quick Google search to tell me that it was actually not at all uncommon. A lot of the time, it just comes from being completely drained by conversations or sometimes (going back to the sensory overload thing) the environment just making it too hard for me to fully concentrate because of fucking birds or something

So yeah, next time that you catch yourself spacing out in a conversation please don’t feel bad about yourself because of it. Of course, it’s incredibly inconvienient and will probably always make you feel a little rude, but it’s got a cause and it is normal and usually it’s totally out of your control, too. Most people will understand it if it does happen so please, please don’t beat yourselves up about it

5. Romanticisation of Mental Health

I guess that this isn’t really, like, normalising something any more than it’s just me having a bit of a rant about how mental health is seen a lot of the time from the outside thanks to it being completely misrepresented in the media

I just know that the very first time that I saw a panic attack on a TV show was during one of the earliest episodes of Teen Wold (which I still haven’t finished by the way – anyone who’s reading this and has seen it, should I watch the rest?) and I remember Stiles getting kissed by Lydia as a way to bring him back from a panic attack.

I genuinely cannot stress enough how averse to that I am now, knowing what I do about how I and my friends deal with my/their panic attacks and anxiety – that is my worst nightmare!

My aim in making this post was to try to bring some people going through these things some comfort by being able to understand that what they are going through is completely valid and that there are ways to cope with it no matter how lost and alone you feel trying to navigate it

So please add on your own things that you wished you knew about anxiety earlier, what you wish you had known was normal or even things that you think not enough people are aware about – comment it or DM me or whatever, I just want to be able to raise awareness of these kinds of stuff

Anyway, figured I’d fill the post with photos of my dog looking sweet as fuck because she is the loveliest dog in the world (send me dog photos boys)

Thank you for reading, I hope that you’re well and if you wanna check out the full post I wrote it’s on my blog - there’s a link in my bio to it!

I hope that you’re well,

Freddie 🐸

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

when/how did you realize beatles music was amazing and something you couldn't live without?

I'm trying to not start off every answer with "OOF" but you people do keep sending me loaded questions lol. That's fine though, I enjoy it, keep it coming! My close attachment to the bug boys (both their music and them) is new. It more or less started at the beginnng of May of this year.

I've always known about them and known a good handful of songs. We sang Yellow Submarine and Hello Goodbye in school, I have memories of playing Beatles Rockband once at my cousin's house and also the Love album used to be relatively regular car music for my family. Also, I was in class with someone who was obsessed with their music and sometimes she'd be playing songs. My opinion on the music for most of my life has been kind of… middling. There were songs I really liked or loved (like Help! or Eleanor Rigby) songs I thought were fine but didn't take much note of (something like Being For The Benefit of Mr Kite) and ones I just really didn't get the hype for (A Hard Day's Night comes to mind [I love it now]). But I have a sort of kneejerk sceptic reaction to people hyping stuff up for no discernible reason sometimes, and so the more I'd hear older people with little knowledge of music theory and history call them the be-all end-all of music, the more I sort of developed a kind of aversion to them. I just hate being told to respect and/or like things without knowing why, y'know?

PSA to older Beatles fans: you will NOT convince younger people to listen to your music by telling them their music taste sucks actually.

On the other hand, I had also sort of gotten the idea I should maybe go through their entire discography and get behind the myth of it all. I sort of attempted this a few times over the years, like I started listening to Sgt. Pepper once and then for some reason had to stop halfway, and I listened to the This Is The Beatles playlist on spotify a few nights in a row in 2019 lol.

What actually made me commit to doing it was 1) I had seen a LOT of backlash against Taylor for breaking the Beatles' records for 3 number one albums within the least amount of time in the UK last April, and like the sheer stupidity of some of the arguments being made why "Actually She Didn't Break This Record" really set me off (for example talking about it being "more effort" to buy an album back in the day… But the Beatles weren't competing for number one against anyone who had it "easier" to sell their albums and Taylor wasn't competing against anyone who had it "harder" than her. Or talking about absolute pure sales numbers when that's not what going number one means?) and 2) in a Discord I was in, someone shared a link to an 8-Bit version of Sgt. Pepper at the beginning of May, which I decided to listen to cause it seemed like good study music and I rather enjoyed! I found it really let their talent for creating good melodies shine through.

WHY DO I KEEP COMPLETELY EXPOSING MYSELF IN MINIATURE ESSAYS WHEN ASKED STRAIGHTFORWARD QUESTIONS

Anyways, so all of that made me go okay! I'm gonna go through this motherfucking huge discography then I will know this music better than a LOT of the people who hype it up and then I will be able to be objective about all of this.

So I listened to Sgt. Pepper and Please Please Me and then the White Album. The first was enjoyable but I didn't really ~get the immense hype, Please Please Me bored me at first (I think their early style is something you kind of need to get into and need to hear a few times to fully appreciate. But also Love Me Do sucks and why a record label thought it would be a good debut single is absolutely BEYOND ME) and the last one REALLY caught me off guard. There was stuff in there I loved (Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da is actually possibly my very first favourite song that wasn't a kids' song. I used to have to go to these psychomotor education classes and that song played there often and I adored it. Also Piggies slaps, send tweet) but also like a lot of stuff I found pretty weird and off-putting. And I still haven't warmed up to Yer Blues and Why Don't We Do It In The Road. That album did, however, get me very interested in the band. I think the weirdness of the album really just invited me to look into their history. I wanted to understand why they had broken up. That sent me down the rabbithole of the India trip history and I just kept reading more and more wikipedia articles related to all of it.

It was around this point I sort of came to realize that I'd had a lot of wrong preconceived notions about them, especially John. I was never someone like roaming around twitter, yelling for him to be cancelled, but he had simply never seemed sympathetic to me. For instance, IDK if I misunderstood what someone told me or if that person had misunderstood, but the story of John learning chords with Paul left-handed to follow him better (and maybe also Stuart not letting Paul change around the strings on his bass) had somehow been morphed into John finding Paul's left-handed playing off-putting and forcing Paul to play right-handed?? And I was like "Wow, what an asshole!" Also all the 1970 narrative that the two didn't like each other, plus I projected boomers' and gen-xers' Beatle snobism onto them and just got the impression they were pretentious narcissists. (I mean they were kind of that, but not to the extent or in the same way I imagined)

So I think learning these things opened me up to them more. Like I realized Hey! They were my age! And then at some point I found out about the Christmas albums and thought that was so fascinating, that that existed, (a huge part of my initial interest was my fascination with the marketing around them, which is why I watched AHDN and Help! super early on) so I listened to those and was like "Fuck! These guys are endearing!" and then I remember lurking on bug-tumblr and seeing that "Well that was very observant of them, because we aren't American actually" quote and I wanted to find the video of it and ended up finding this legendary video. And starting to actually like these guys and realizing they took all of this ten times less seriously than their Boomer fans do made me more excited to keep listening to the discography and look up more of the stories behind the songs and just kind of… Come to understand them better. I also found that once I accepted that some Boomers are just gonna hype up their fave music too much I'd enjoy it more. Like I'd listen to I Want To Hold Your Hand and get a bit defensive like "why do you love this so much??? the lyrics are so dumb??" but when I just kind of accepted that fact I realized no! It's an amazingly structured bop, which yes, has weak lyrics but it's fine!!! It's the Call Me Maybe of its day and that's NOT a bad thing!!

And in the end they have an amazingly versatile catalogue that covers most things you might be in the mood for. It is kind of hard (for me) not to like it.

There are still sort of two bands in my head: the archetype, the myth, the pretentious group of people who hate each other that I just sort of instinctively want to dislike and the band who sang all those songs I had NO IDEA existed and came into my life without any baggage or expectations from my part. I've pretty much never listened to say Hey Jude in the past months, even though I don't find it bad the outro is too fucking long because it's kind of got too much of that baggage to me still.

This was SUCH a ramble but I hope this makes sense to people to some extent. Anyways I'm a new fan, drag me, but maybe drag me more for how much I seem to know after three months. Seriously, this is a curse.

[0ceanoflight]

My thoughts on Gaya Sa Pelikula now that I've watched all 8 eps.

Cause I need to write down my thoughts and Twitter's character limit just isn't enough so thank you tumblr. This is gonna be a rant

Also, just wanna say this is from the point of view of a gay trans masc enby, aka me.

First impression

Gaya Sa Pelikula is just.... Wow. It's hard to describe. I originally watched it cause some moots on Twitter kept talking about it and they recommended it to me. It doesn't take much for me to watch a gay show, so of course I checked it out. At the time I think maybe 2-3 eps were out.

I knew nothing about the plot. I had no expectations for it. Just hoping it didn't have any problematic stuff in it, hopefully some cute stuff, same as any other gay show. It was just some show to watch to pass the time. I was wrong. It's so much more than just a good show. It's rare for me to get THIS emotionally invested into a show.

From the first ep I thought "Oh, this is pretty realistic lol. I've said stuff like this", referring to Vlad's lines. That continued as I watched the remaining available eps. Later my moots mentioned that it was written by a gay man and I understood right away. GSP is a gay show with the intention of being very realistic. It wasn't just gay for entertainment's sake. It was gay for the sake for real gay people.

Characters

The characters are so well written. They are flawed. They're not perfect. They all have their own struggles that you wouldn't know until you sat down and talked to them. Their lines and personalities are real. They feel real. I've met people like that. I have friends like that. I see myself in them. Also the acting is incredible. Really brought it to the next level.

The Music

A golden sound track. Every song just fit. It felt like the songs were made for that scene. The lyrics, the vibe. There were so many times when I thought that lyrics perfectly fit the scene in a way that would make me connect even more to what was happening. Really couldn't have been better. 10/10.

The visuals and plot devices

The way everything seems to have a purpose. Everything seems to be interconnected. There were so many things that were mentioned earlier in the episode, or I'm previous episodes that you originally didn't fully understand, then they would come back and suddenly *mindblown*.

The lines in the first prom dancing scene in the first ep. The ghost stories (still blows my mind). Vlad not liking his hair being touch which wasn't explained till later. The keychain. The theme song test. The movie they were watching about the imaginary beach (I forgot the name). The reason behind Judit's seemingly fake/weird ally speeches. The reason why Karl always seemed so stiff and awkward. The closet. The orca. The remote. Ect.

All of that came back later in the show and added so much depth. The metaphors used seemed to almost add extra explainations. Like... they didn't just give more layers of complexity, but it gave us a stronger understanding of what was going on. Or at least it made it more emotional. Idk. I was just one of he people who read posts of others dissecting the show cause I'm not as good. Lol.

Also there were beautiful scenes visually. Karl's dance scene. Beautiful. The film scenes outside, looked gorgeous. The use of mirrors and the TV. Great. Awesome

Connections

There were a lot of things I connected to.

Vlad's lines like I mentioned above were among the first. I've personally said or thought very similar things. Or even those exact things. I was actually shocked at first. By how real that felt for me.

Vlad being lonely, but faking it. Aha. I'm an introvert, and people know it. As much as I need space, I get lonely very easily as well. And friends online sometimes aren't enough. It's not the same as having someone there. With covid, and the fact that all of my friends live far away or are normally too busy to meet up, I very rarely am actually with friends. It almost hurts tbh. Especially since I'm a very affectionate person. Also the gay yearning hours are real and powerful.

Karl's dance scene, letting out the inner femininity. So I'm a bit different. I never came out as gay. I'm a gay trans guy. People already knew, or assumed, I liked men. However I did have the struggle of inner femininity. I hated fem things up until I was maybe 15-16, maybe almost 17. I didn't know why I hated it, I just did. Clearly now I know why. However my evolution to being a fem guy from hating fem things happened around the same time as discovering I'm not actually a girl. It was confusing 3 years (yes it took me about 3 years to piece everything together, a bit longer to settle). My point is, once I opened up to fem things, it was beautiful. It really really was. I felt more comfortable. I felt freer. I went from "ew makeup, skirts, leggings, pink. I hate it". To wearing makeup, wearing leggings, liking pink, often painting my nails. I've worn pretty short shorts with a loose t-shirt and a cardigan. Peak fem. Felt great. I want to wear a skirt, but I'm too afraid to do that. I may feel better with being fem, but society is still society and I might get looks cause "wtf, a man wearing a skirt?". Maybe one day. Uhhh anyways. The times I've grown to become more fem felt like how watching Karl dance felt like. Just like that.

Karl's struggle with his sexuality. Ok again I can't relate on the gay part, cause my coming out was coming out at trans. However yea. That was an adventure. I remember being so confused in 8th grade & 9th grade. God that was.... something. At first I thought I just wanted to be more tomboyish, more androgynous. So I found androgynous girls with short hair and said "I want this". Everyone was confused. My friends said "is there a reason you cut your hair so short?". I was afraid of that question. At the time I didn't know why I was so afraid. I don't remember exactly what I said, but tbh I was pretty defensive. Of course I later realized why I felt that way. I remember finally figuring things out after I settled into knowing I was trans, I didn't know how to come out. I couldn't say it directly. In fact, I never did. To my friends I just said "he/him, they/them pronouns" when asked at events, and of course they knew, but didn't ask more. In fact one friend found out cause I wrote "agender" on a form cause he looked over my shoulder. For my family... I just dropped a big hint, and they understood something was up. I wasn't able to explain it well then either. It took another 2-3 months till I couldn't take it anymore and did my best to explain it better so they would take it seriously. I was afraid. I couldn't say it directly. I actually didn't come out to my my high school. I was too afraid. I had friends who were out and I was jealous. I was jealous of their bravery. Same as Karl to Vlad. I was out to friends, but couldn't be open in the real world, much like Karl. I was only out within the space of the GSA, and of the local lgbt center. That was my "apartment". It was only until after i graduated where I promised myself I would live my real self.

The prom dance scene. I missed my high school's prom too. I wasn't brave enough to wear a suit. That would be like coming out and I wasn't ready. So I missed that. I wouldn't have been able to be open of course. I went to the senior dinner. I guess that was the start of me trying to be open. I went in a suit. Tailored men's dress pants too. I went with friends.

Wanting to write my own stories. That's a big one isn't it? I never really do see myself in films or tv. An autistic mentally ill gay trans masc enby? Yea, not a thing. Not a popular role in hollywood, will never be. I'm not a writer, I wanted to be as a kid, I was going to go to uni for writing, but I'm not really good enough for that. I really really do want to see more of myself in media. I wish I could be able to create such things for other people as well. Cause things like Gaya Sa Pelikula are truly magical. It literally made me cry whenever something I related to happened.

[revengerevisited]

i found this vanqua fic the other day, it’s only a couple chapters but i like it so far. :3 it does have a ‘creator chose not to add warnings’ label though, so please be cautious. also baby-xemnas aka kotbysleep (nsfw) aka nekokat42 (also nsfw) is a much better vanqua artist than me so please check him out. X’D (heads-up those twitter threads are way longer than you think so make sure you see eeeverything~).

anyway, more wip art below the cut, plus my endless rambling (i talk about 18+ topics, just a warning)—

i’m still working on venqua week and i’ve got 2 more prompts to go, one i haven’t started yet and one i’m halfway done with—

~aaand yeah i’m re-using it for a vanqua pic too... X’D am i lazy, or just resourceful? you decide. ;P

but yeah, both of these pics will have an 18+ version as well. i admit i’m super anxious about posting it next week, as i’ve seen just how absolutely toxic fandom is on twitter. like, you thought tumblr was bad? i’ve spent the last few days preemptively blocking literally hundreds if not thousands of antis just so i can feel a little safer posting my content without some asshat calling me a pedo or telling me to kill myself over cartoons. XU i somewhat worry that i’ve accidentally blocked some people who were just joking around and weren’t actually harassing anyone, but it’s just so hard to tell sometimes. if i’ve accidentally blocked anybody here, just let me know so i can unblock you. :3 (idk why that sentence came out so sinister sounding but i’m legit being sincere X’D).

but seriously, idk when fandom suddenly got such a stick up its ass (around 2016-17 from my guesstimate) and decided aging-up a fictional character by a year or two is such a crime, but i guess that’s just the state of things. :T i could draw vanitas as a centaur or make him blond or whatever and no one cares, but aging him by one year? suddenly big problem! yeah, right. XP like, i know i said every character in kh is 17+ as of khmom (ignoring any weird timeline retcons of course), but heck i could make an honest case for the wayfinder family all being adults. hear me out—

it’s been 13 years since bbs, right? and for 12 of those years, aqua was in the realm of darkness, terra had some awareness while being possessed by xehanort, ven experienced some of sora’s life when he was in a coma, and vanitas was almost certainly in ven/sora’s heart as well, so all four of them could be said to be 31, 33, and 29 respectively. it’s not like their character models were any different when they were young teens as opposed to older teens, so can we really be sure they’re not all 30~ by now? heck, since ven is from the age of fairytales i could say he’s 1000 years old if i wanted too! (psst, it’s almost as if these are all fictional characters living in a fantasy world with time travel and whatnot and their ages are completely arbitrary numbers nomura made up on the spot, numbers which he has retconned before! :P).

now i don’t actually think they’re that old, but if people are gonna hassle me over a goddamn 2-year age difference, i might as well say fuck it and have fun with it, right? ;P it’s not like antis even know what the canon character ages even actually are, like when they try to say that skuld is underage when (assuming she’s subject x) she’d be around 28~ by now, or axel and saïx’s age. (maybe i’ll draw some saïx x skuld art and watch the antis lose their minds. ;P it wouldn’t even have to be nsfw to rile them up).

anyway, i do admit i’m feeling a little burned out on art recently. XP i’ve been trying to get one art piece out per week plus venqua week, and yeah it’s kinda taken its toll. i know this really isn’t anything anyone wants to hear, but i’ve been kinda thinking of moving away from fandom projects to work on my own original work. now, i’m not saying i’m abandoning a heart and a half nor anything as drastic as that! but i have spent like 2 years of my life on it just to get to the halfway mark, and i’m not sure i can spend 2 more doing only that.

i’ve got an original story idea that i’ve been working on-and-off on for the past 7 years or so, and i’m thinking of going back to it again (it does need a pretty big re-write). its main pairing is actually pretty vanqua-ish, now that i think about it. like, imagine the realm of darkness but instead of the heartless it’s infested with demons, and the main characters are the demon-slaying duo of a serious yet kindhearted half-angel and a feral, snarky half-demon. i even aged them up from 14 to 18 so none of my potential fans have to suffer the same anti bullshit that i have. XP

what else can i ramble about... oh, i got these super cute pins for christmas! :D the heartless is by xkirakira, and vanitas and aqua are by maxxmerch. they’re just so cute! X3 i hope everyone had a merry christmas and a happy holiday! i’ll see you guys later. ^3^ 

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*looks around sheepishly* ó3ò alright... confession time. spoilers for a heart and a half for the rest of this post—

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sooo~ i’ve kinda hinted at this before, but yeah i’ve always planned on adding a sex scene to a heart and a half; when i started writing back in 2018 i hadn’t realized how hostile fandom had become compared to only a few years ago, and it worries me that some readers might drop the fic because of it, or be angry with me over the underage aspect. :(

idk, i could go on about how i just wanted to explore every aspect of a romantic relationship, or how other disney/square enix characters married or had kids young (ariel, sarah hawkins, héctor, claudia strife, possibly jasmine), or how attempting to apply real-world rules to a videogame fantasy setting is inherently silly and pointless, but really it’s just ‘cause i love vanitas and aqua to bits and i just wanted to write a cute and funny mild sex scene between them (this fic is rated mature, not explicit, so much less graphic than confection affection), and at the end of the day they are just fictional characters, after all.

i guess all i can hope for is that i’m a skilled enough writer to pull it off in a believable way, and that my audience won’t be too put off by it. >_> i know vanitas and aqua have technically only known each other for about 2 months so it might not be ‘realistic’ for them to go so far into a relationship so soon, but i think it’s important to remember that ultimately this is a romantic fairytale, and other canon disney couples haven’t seen nearly as deeply into each other’s hearts as vanitas and aqua have (and this video also helped me feel better about it).

i also wanted to finish that nsfw venqua fic i started a few months back, it’s set just before the mark of mastery so yes ven would be 16. i suppose it’s a way of testing the waters to see what kind of reception i’d get (hopefully positive) before i get to that part of a heart and a half. i was also thinking of including some of the uh, ‘keyblades as erogenous zones’ aspect from this terraquaven fic as well... w-why are you looking at me like that?! it’s funny! *sweats nervously* o3o’

in all honesty, i’m probably just overthinking all this (which, knowing me, is almost a guarantee >_<) and i should just *ahem* let my heart be my guiding key, and just write what i want to write without worrying about it all the time. i just get so anxious so easily... buuut that’s not really news to anyone, now is it? ;P well, i think that’s the end of my endless ramble, thanks for reading if you got this far. X’D and i really hope i didn’t actually upset anybody about a heart and a half. ;_; i just felt like i needed to vent a little, but don’t worry about me, i’m doing fine. anyway, i really should stop typing and get back to work on venqua week, sooo... bye! X3