#also met some lovely people <3< /div>
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Legitimately insane night
#Mothica#I took this picture <3#I was right under her the entire time AAAAAAAAAAH#best night of my life#also met some lovely people <3#kissing death tour
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ORV is about enduring the horrors in real time.
(for @everyonesfavoritebastard)
#omniscient reader's viewpoint#kim dokja#yoo joonghyuk#I read a few arcs of ORV a few years back so I am at least loosely familiar with the characters and premise.#ORV dares ask the question: “what if you finally met your beloved blorbo who helped you cope through the horrors - and he *hates you*”#The reversal of what most people feel about some of their blorbos (love them but would never want to meet someone like that in person)#I would love to keep reading orv but it is very long and I already promised to finished like...3 other shows and several books.#my gesture of affection is consuming the media my friends care about. Alas I have none who are into orv to motivate me.#Also hey there raffle winner everyonesfavouritebastard - you gave no prompt at all so I took a random swing based on ur pfp and blog#I hope you like kim dokja! I am terribly sorry if you meant to leave a prompt and something glitched#EDIT: Found out raffle winner everyonesfavouritbastard didn't know it was a raffle. Homie...I'm So Sorry.#Now I *really* hope you like Kim Dokja.#You're so valid; I too would be mesmerized by the beauty of stackedbird's lovely little apple art.
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finding out ur coworker is way older than you thought and having to very quickly reorient how you talk to them
#art#traditional art#watercolour#fanart#synthv#synthesizer v#genbu#kasane teto#rikka is also here :) i think she likes to cause problems sometimes. because all the adults in her life are dweebs#and very easy to cause problems with <3#anyone else have this happen before. im older than a lot of my university peers and i always have been#because i took 5 years in highschool and my undergrad has been like 6 years and counting#(hashtag learning disability <3 ) and like thats chill to me i dont mind#but now i usually assume everyones way younger than me and i get shocked when theyre not. a buddy in some of my classes#when i first met her i absolutely and completely assumed she was like barely 19 and talked to her as such#like i dont talk down to people or anything but i do soften the way i talk a bit and give a bit extra patience with younger peers#cause yknow. i remember what it was like being 19. being 26 is WAY easier lol so i wanna give em a bit of leeway yknow#anyway a few months after meeting her i found out she was actually a year older than me and a grad student when she ended up as a TA in#another class i took. i felt so bad. we bonded tho and she didnt mind she thought it was kinda funny when i was like WAIT UR A GRAD STUDENT#i thought she was like a first or second year undergrad..............#also yeah im a 31yo teto fan. i dont mind the popular fanon that she has a separate age that makes her actually 15 and#i dont mind that more interpretations have her like that BUT for my internal canon she is a grown ass woman because i think its fun <3#she pays taxes. she goes to work parties. she can rent a car. i love it#let teto rent a car. let her rent a car.#yknow im exicted to be 31. i still got a few more years of being a 20 something which is fun. but being a 30 something sounds like it rules
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ignore that this is a skyrim video and in polish but this is the polish VA of frank castle in the 1994 show and its the voice frank has in my head always. and i feel a strong need to share that with you guys bc i think it is a good voice
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#marvel#frank castle#the punisher#in another version of the dub frank is voiced by a dude who voiced justice in dragon age awakening which is miles funnier for sure#but this voice is the same as the one that was on the DVDs that i had as a child. so to me this is frank's voice. forever. sorry!#jacek mikołajczyk thank you for having a cool as hell voice i guess#writing the name down so i dont forget it (will forget it anyway)#anyway yeah. voice headcanon. except its canon for polish people. some of them#I LOVE THIS VOICE IDK. hes no grzegorz pawlak but i think grzegorz would also be good for frank actually. maybe once hes like old old#and not just middle aged#no offence to pawlak. he voiced lucien lachance in polish skyrim and i love his voice also to bits#sorry sorry. polish voice actors are my passion.#fun fact also back to daa justice i used to selfship with him too lowkey in a sense. he and my cousland were so tragic <3#human x inhuman my beloved he missed her so much during da2 but didnt realize it until they met again and then they parted immediately
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#I've read some of you talking about your irls reaching out#Positive and negative thinga#And I'm... In the middle#I haven't hidden my love for 1D since it took over my life 3 years ago#So the people that know me know this about me#Granted they probably know more about Louis but still#One of my closest friends was a bit insensitive at first and I just couldn't reply#She then sort of came through and has been checking in#I don't think she realized how much it mattered to me#Then I told my best friend who's still back home#I also don't think she understood how important they are to me#She hasn't checked in again but she has sooo much shit on her plate that I don't even blame her although it still... A little bit#But I'm also like trying not to think they actually knew how seriously important these bois are to me#Anyway. Another friend... I saw him right after I found so I was still very much in shock and he knows about them and my deep connection#Saw him the next day he hugged me and asked me how I was and this was after the shock wore off and I had cried all night#I almost broke down again... But he hasn't checked in again and I'm a bit sad about it#Someone I met briefly in the summer and got to talking about the bois reached out and asked and I was glad they did#My sister has been checking in which has been very nice#Again... Idk... I don't need them to understand or be all over me asking or anything#It's just... Yeah.#And it just reinforces my gratitude for this space and the friends I've made the past couple of years#I have no idea where I'd be if I didn't have this and you all#But then again... The biggest reason I'm still in this community is the people I've met#So of course I would always have you here#Understanding something that outsiders could never#It's like trying to explain why Louis is so important to me... If you don't feel you won't get it#Rambles ramble#My eyes hurt
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Whenever I think about your Keir I think about Bethany telling Anders he reminds her of Malcom. I’m sure that won’t ever affect Keir ever.
bethany is my favourite mage bc she never misses with that psychic damage
but really he and anders aren’t even a thing in act 1 so it’s less like “PLEASE stop comparing my crush to our father” and more like “oh fuck off i spend my entire life trying to act like our dad and one (1) mage rolls up and suddenly he’s dad??”
#the bethany anders keir weirdness about malcolm is so real#because bethany says ‘you remind me of him (generally positive)’ in act 1#but in later acts i think she’s still seeing the same thing just with a different uhhh mindset#seeing the way her dad wanted her to be something she wasnt and strive for something she was never sure was worth the sacrifice#how he tried to make decisions about what was best for other people. how he risked lives etc#whereas anders also has his own perception of malcolm which i think is quite... idealised#it means a lot to him that a mage raised a family that loved him. and hes envious of it#but thats definitely a standard anders is making up. if anders and malcolm really met we’d have to cast a barrier between them within five#minutes. for their own safety.#whereas keir in some ways saw a more complete version of his father from the beginning#but he also believes those more uhh flawed abrasive damaging sides are necessary. of course he does he repeats them#his father may not have been the easiest man in the world to live with but he always did what he had to#and kept his word and held himself to the same standards as others#but oh wait here’s the legacy dlc with the steel chair—#anyway my point being that u get these 3 in a room and theyre talking abt 3 entirely different malcolms. carnage#i dont think it would naturally occur to keir to compare anders to malcolm#but hed be like. ‘i GUESS?’ when bethany said it#honestly anders one of the things that’s kind of disillusioning abt malcolm bc like#i mean say what you like about my man anders but he was never all talk#not to dismiss the courage it took for malcolm to escape & raise a family#but thats one thing. insisting on using your abilities to help people & to go BACK for those still in the circle is kind of another#a lot of dialogue implying malcolm talked a big game about mage rights#but apart from raising a daughter who hates herself what did he actually do.#sorry thats mean but you see my point#and its not just justice that makes anders like that. sure he was more scared and hopeless about the circle#but his instincts are to help. you wouldnt catch malcolm going back to help against darkspawn even when told to run#and my malcolms also. gruff. stoic. serious. a man of few words. he does not do bits or tell you about his cat#if keir hears bethany compare anders to malcolm and at all agrees it’s not really anything about personality#he’s saying yeah i guess anders does seem like a good mage and a good man. thats the only commonality he would jump to#these tags got incredibly away from me
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not 2 be dramatic or anything but sometimes it makes me so sad to see siblings getting along really well and like actually being best friends
#love my sister or whatever but she was not very nice to me growing up and now we're just like kinda friendly but still so different#some eldest daughters do not fit the tumblr stereotype btw some of them r just mean<3#also while im at it im so tired of being the only gay person in like my whole extended family and even our family friends#like the other week we met up w my dad's college friend who lives further away so it had been like years since I'd seen them#and he has 2 daughters one of whom is gay and we were all chatting for all of lunch at like the 'kids side' of the table#and it genuinely made me emotional afterwards thinking about all the gatherings with our other family friend when the kids are all mostly#guys and/or straight.#like! im not that bad a socializing! these are just not my people!! its so lonely sometimes:/#whatever!! love my family and friends etc but i am ruminating currently
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do i make ashara more devoted to mythal post trespasser or do i alienate her from the evanuris entirely. is she immune to propaganda by virtue of how badly solas damaged her ability to believe in anything or is she especially vulnerable to it now bc she still WANTS to believe in anything. is she sporting subtle mythal details in her costume design or is she not
#love talking to myself on tumblr dot com <3#oc: ashara#i feel like she's always believed in the principles/vague mythos of the evanuris more than taking it all at face value#so even tho she might know the truth abt the evanuris she would still hold mythal's values of justice close to her and express it thru her#but also like. having MET mythal. and drank from her well. actually meeting not just the gods but YOUR god and her being confirmed the#''nicer'' one who tells u that ur cool and are doing a good job... idk. i think theres a possibility of her being manipulated/doubling down#and like.. she got rid of her vallaslin for solas and then HE left. her inquisition is frail her relationship with her clan is frail#her family is mostly dead lol. no arm no anchor...... like. mythal's approval + the well is all she REALLY has at this point#and she gets attached to people. to things. so so much .idk. its tricky bc shes lonely and needs some sort of SOMETHING to keep her going#but she also deeply believes in The Truth and accepting reality even if it sucks. so idk if she'd hold on to smth just out of comfort/habit#bc shes a pragmatist at heart and open to change. but like circumstances are sort of pushing her to her brink lol#i genuinely have no idea. maybe the secret third answer is that This is the problem shes facing in datv#the crisis of faith. wanting to stand by her ideals versus wanting to feel held by SOMETHING even if its a lie#and a character breakdown as a result that could go one of two ways#man its so funny talking abt her like shes a Real character i am being paid to write. insane that im doing this for free for an audience of#like 3 people who care JKJGFKJFGKJGKF
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Im watching Only Friends and We Are like back to back and. Wildly different college friend groups
Imagine ur in Peems friend group (ur like Toey or someone) and u go to the Yolo bar, and run into Boston and Top and Ray and u watch that fucking speech Ray gives absolutely roasting the fuck out of his friend's relationships and u make a mental note 'do not Ever bring my lover to this bar'
Dhdhhf
Like I love both shows. And I think theyre both somewhat true to life just like, very different viewpoints as theyre true to life. And depicting very different people (with some overlap). And of course, We Are is going for low stakes comfort slice of life genre, while Only Friends is going for dense analysis of friends in the hookup scene.
#only friends the series#we are the series#lb#idk what the overlap of ppl is that enjoy BOTH shows. but it includes me <3 i love them both a lot#like. only friends? to be real here#id say the American college or dating experience? at least for my age group?#it was Very relatable to only friends. not THAT messy. but. i was definitely Ray at times#(crush on friend. the rebound the friend dates) and Mew (and i still am kind of mew...#im demi and i just dont do hookups theyre boring as fuck and i cant get turned on unless im in love)#and ive definitely met people like Sand and dated ppl like Sand and to an extent been hurt so bad i dont believe ppl will#love me back (like Sand)#and ive had friends like Boston (although the friends didnt lie or like destroy friendships) and dated ppl like Boston#hell i even unfortunately dated some ppl like Nick who were like THAT messy and i had to Run asap#but like. Only Friends is very raw and Real about those real romance hangups existing for a LOT of real people.#meanwhile We Are? also relatable. the slow pace and low stakes? honestly also many relationships go that way#while ive been Ray crushing on a friend. ive also developed those crushes just as slow as Q and Toey leaving messages and interacting#or Peem and Phum on odd terms tjen seeing each other more and clicking and not doing anything right away#and my luckier friends have been like Tan: honest and upfront and adoring and with a person they like rather fast#i think the 2 shows are like the spectrum of experience with dating AND friends involved#and its enjoyable to see all sides of that spectrum (for me)
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you’ve probably already read it before, but the poem Party by Kim Addonizio really got me tonight. first thought was “oh man. yeah” and then my second thought was “how can i make this about my hockey guys somehow………..”anyway! have a good one!
oh. oh.
#don’t think i’ve read this kim addonizio poem and it just blindsided me like a truck thank you so much#i. oh god. like yeah.#pour me shitfaced into your car i feel like you own a comforter extremely dysfunctional only in surface details like which person was the#black hole and the distant spark in space that might’ve been a star there’s something too with unrelenting mist / many-headed mist / missed#who knew mis(t)/sed had undone so many. while you keep an eye on the burner here’s hoping this flame doesn’t go out#the flame as in the spark as in don’t let me have pinned my hopes on you to watch it burn out again but also me. like please let me not go#and i think there’s something there too with the repetitive ‘i have just met you’ and i already love you that reminds me both of a story#colman domingo told abt meeting his partner i cry everytime i hear it right when he says ‘i think i love u &you’re about to change my life’#and i KNOW there’s another poem. and i feel like it maybe has a dog and it talks about how they don’t even know you but they love you#OH IT’S ALSO. OH MY GOD THAT’S IT. i mean not exactly so maybe i have read this before & it’s what has been haunting me for so long but#the opening line to tim seibles naïve is ‘i love you but i don’t know you’ - mennonite woman#the odds of that dog poem being a carl phillips poem is non-zero btw. his poems about dogs make me see shrimp colors (bertuzzi thesis)#ANYWAY. agreed. this is incredibly hockey and incredibly hurtful because they DO bond like this in 0.0001 seconds because if you can’t#you’re fucked. you have to just find somebody and fall in love with them and it’s the salmon and the triple cream brie like they got taken#out to some fancy meet the donors team night in their suits and one of them is dealing with a heartbreak and a trade and are the things#they think true or are they just missing what the used to have. jamie who used to empty and refill the ice tray YES sorry i have been a#little bit thinking that about the trevor dealing so poorly with the breakup and i wish i had another narrative (which i do) but it fits#trade deadline tragedy#and also the formation of a codependent rookies like. two guys that get drafted and brought up together and suddenly they’re doing#everything together and it’s your first time in the big show and none of your old college friends understand because they’re not there#and you can’t get it. like you think you know but they can’t understand and the loneliness and it IS guys taking care of each other#(alexa play harriet by hey rosetta! but specifically the bridge) and it’s just. i just!!! trying to fill up the missing pieces of your life#like i cannot convey WHOMST i am trying to pin this narrative to this is going to rotate for a long while i think#because it’s not a wild i fell in love with you at first sight it’s a you were kind to me when i was broken. and i love you for that.#like who is FALLING APART &happens to fall into someone else’s arms. purely for the partygirl aspect the devil (old hrpf) says ‘13 bennguin#who among us hasn’t fallen mildly briefly brilliantly in love with a stranger and imagined a future where you get everything you want#sometimes we love people for who they are and sometimes we love them for what we’re not and sometimes for who we think they’ll be#this was a very long way to say thank you for sharing <3 i will also be making this about my hockey guys <3#OH MY GOD IT’S DPAIRS. WHO’S BEEN THROUGH SEVERAL DPAIRS#nonny <3
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If lady sneasler went back home with Ingo i think eventually she would want to try battling with him. I mean it looks fun, everyone tells her it's a good bonding moment for both trainer and Pokémon and it's a golden opportunity to show off, why not? Who's going to stop her, the pearl clan?
Ingo takes a bit of convincing, out of respect for both her and the traditions of the pearl clan, but he relents eventually. He can't deny he's been wanting to do this as well. After a bit of training they have the time of their life destroying people's (read: Emmet, the elite four, other Frontier Brains and generally just other strong trainers (sorry i didn't include Elesa. I love her very much but she is not on their level methinks 😔. Id love to be proven wrong tho)) teams, with a mix of Ingo's old and new team and her as the ace for once in unregulated matches. (Turns out, noble Pokémon naturally have insane stats and therefore cannot partecipate in league matches or official battles. Ingo has to nerf sneasler/the rest of his team or use less Pokémon as a result, but he loves the challenge. He's thrilled when people defeat him.)
(Emmet takes this as a challenge. As long as his Pokémon are on board, he's building his way up to defeating Ingo when they're not holding back. He gets scarily close every time.)
I ran out of space in the tags but blankshippers dni pls. Let's stay in our respective lanes and not interact
#ive been feeling good today!!! good enough to think this up :)#also who else thinks ingo would get some kind of certification for lady sneasler to show that while she might live with him#and be in his pokeball and his team occasionally she is still not his pokemon. kinda like meowth from team rocket#shes there because she wants to beyond just being his Pokémon. do you understand me#anyway yeah there has to be some kind of certification for sorta emancipated (?) Pokémon. do you mean to tell me#that pokemon who have been proven to be more intelligent than humans sometimes are not allowed to just partecipate in society#with their own pokeball in their own hands. paws. whatever#maintagging this feel free to tell me ideas about this. do not send me angst i will explode <3 (serious)#subway boss ingo#warden ingo#ingo and emmet#ingo#emmet#subway boss emmet#lady sneasler#sneasler#btw yeah my headcanon is she absolutely does come back with him shes not losing the only people who actually treat her like a normal person#she might love throwing her title around but damn she'd love if they stopped walking on eggshells around her#she ran put of patience when she met ingo basically lmao#yes this is based on that one post where they say this exact thing. i really like that post#don't know if i should tag elesa or anyone else. there is something going on with her i know it in my soul but idk what it is.#shes very excited about this whole thing whether or not she can safely fight sneasler though. yeah sure ill tag her why not#also once more headcanon time i think pokemon from hisui need to go through training to not absolutely maul modern day pokemon#not because theyre stronger or anything. a modern pokemon could absolutely maul you to death. its just that theyre more used to#self restraint for the human's sake. and therefore would not fight as viciously and may get hurt#Ingo already kinda did this in hisui (and still kicked everyones ass. man they may have been getting better but they were still mostly bad#at battling. he could trust that theyd get even better tho)#anyway but yeah he has to do it again with sneasler and the alphas.#theyre too used to having to kick ass or die and theyre also Stupidly Strong#submas
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we were talking about approaches to presents yesterday cuz my step-grandma did die a couple days ago (rip lady whose name I did not know and whose son does not really matter to me) and it's like well shit guess I'd better make my stepdad an extra present then, and matt was throwing out ideas like "well maybe we could find out her birthstone and make it the same color or something" and I was just bluntly like "I do not care that much about this man." and he said something about how the amount of thought he puts into his gifts is about him and his own reputation as much as (or more than) the recipient, and later I was able to put together that like, yes, for sure, I will always put thought into my gifts, but it's a question of effort. I never give someone a gift that's truly "whatever fuck you gift basket" even when I do give people gift baskets, because I still think a lot about what I'm choosing and why. even last year when everyone got craft fair leftovers I thought about who got what and why.
but because I make almost all my gifts, different people rate different amounts of effort. like, if you have a parent die or some other Shit Year stuff going on I'll probably make something extra warm that year, but if you're normally only on the list out of obligation rather than fondness it's going to be basic and made with yarn I had left over. if you're extra niceys to me I'll probably try to make you something extra if I can. also obviously my partners are the top of the christmas effort list because they're the people that are most involved in my life, even if it looks a little less weighted than many people's christmases just because the full effort list is uhhhh larger than average. (this is heavily simplified from how it used to be before I obtained the means to make socks with relative ease, thereby providing a "base gift" that can be given to almost everyone/anyone. obviously people that can't receive socks get worked out slightly differently, though the base principle is the same.)
the comparison I used is that like, matt may go to the mall to shop for anyone, but he would only go to a specialty store out of his way for certain people. the amount of thought is the same, but the amount of effort changes.
look I know there's still a month left of halloween but I've been having a fuck of a time for uhhhhhhhh A While and christmas and gifts therefor are Important to me.
#also do note that even if I don't go out and specifically buy materials for your project#that doesn't inherently mean you're on the obligation list#because I am also Unemployably Disabed#which makes things like 'affording yarn' and 'getting to the store with the yarn' a significant effort in themselves#and I may be investing your allotted effort elsewhere#or I may have less effort to allot in a given year -n-#even if you just get socks really!#the obligation list is legal and biological relatives of myself and my partners#that I don't love enough to warrant gifts without obligation#and one older lady I met years ago I've been too exhausted to talk to but still want to look out for#and none of you are related to me so you know i'm just doing it because I love you <3#I hope everyone I send presents to outside the obligation list understands that.#I know some people can make gifts into a whole shitty Thing (cuz mom does)#but I would really like to avoid making others feel that way as much as I can.#like. to go with the comparison if your gift came from the mall it doesn't mean I love you less#there's just a difference between 'I wouldn't' and 'I didn't' yknow?
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Watching episode one of Voyager is like watching the first act of a horror movie
#also I completely forgot that Tom Paris was part of the Maquis - and that he was only IN it for like a week before getting caught#Tom saw Janeway action figure posing the second she met him and was like 'fuck I'm not gonna let her be cooler than me'#(she is - effortlessly)#they want him so badly to be a playboy bad guy but he's just...HEHEHE he's SO whatever#Quark what do you MEAN 'cash or credit' ???? do humans HAVE /cash/??? HEHEHEH#Tom saw Harry Kim and IMMEDIATELY is down so bad v_v#It's fun seeing some members of the original crew ~#'see you in a few weeks' OOF...........OOOOUUGHHHHH That hurts.......OOOUGH.#The Harry - Tom - Popular Guys subplot i s sooo highschool its crazy HEHEH#Tom thinks he's like the brooding bad boy but he's the nerdy girl who gets picked on until one day the popular guy says#'hey - leave Tom alone.' and smiles at him afterwards#'the ghost of those 3 dead officers came to me in the middle of the night and taught me the true meaning of christmas'#Harry (not well versed on by now ANCIENT childrens fables): ????what????#Tom Paris: It's a long story Harry and I'm tired of telling it.#Also Tom Paris two seconds later: IT ALL STARTED FRESHMAN YEAR.#I also forgot the Maquis ship went missing first and Starfleet was searching for debris...#how long has T'Pel thought her husband might be straight up dead?? How long has he been undercover? How long since they spoke???#(thinks about people whose loved ones died in episode one...thinks about them hearing that Voyager and some of its crew DID survive but#the person they loved did not - that there was never any chance of them returning)#Janeway's hair is so BRIGHT in this episode#'Harry - wait for me!' <- Tom in one line#I also love the creepy barn party 'don't look in there~! don't look in there~!' Voyager should have leaned way more into horror for REAL#Janeway's eyes widening when she sees Tuvok ~!! <3 she thought he could be dead!!! I wonder if she talked to T'Pel about it#Tuvok: (goes missing) Janeway: Don't worry T'Pel I'll bring him back to you if it's the last thing I d- (goes missing)#Caretaker after snatching up the Maquis: Starfleet has the chance to do something hilarious#Janeway (being stabbed): aa.. ..a!h...hh.. / Harry: (being stabbed) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#Chakotay looking to Tuvok like 'do we trust her?' and Tuvok being like absoluuuuuteeeely <3 go for it <3#Tuvok's voice is different~!!! It's quieter~!! Interesting~!! I love him <3#TUVOK YOU DID /NOT/ GET /CHANGED/ BEFORE MEETING THEM ON THE ARRAY HEHEHHEE#'She wanted to know if she had time to send it...I had to tell her no.' AAAAAAAAA.....AAAA
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I think the idea that we’ve each got like 6 degrees of separation between any given person is so sick, i love randomly finding connections between me and someone else
#personal#like i met a guy thru smash bros in college and he was dating a water polo friend from middle school#and that person’s brother played on my water polo team (and that guys making headlines for killing it in the olympics for water polo)#it feels cool branching out more too and meeting more people#im also like 3 degrees removed from my favorite rapper bc of a friend-turned-enemy getting D-List e-celebrity status#i have a lot#long tags but if you have some connections lmk id love to hear
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Okay but I need to be someone's beloved wifepet and belong to them completely and be able to pour my whole energy into just loving them. When will it be my turn!
#it won't be honestly#I do not think I will ever actually get to have that#I'm not pretty and I'm disabled in ways that both physically and mentally make me unappealing#so no one really wants anything real with me#especially JUST with me#and I'm *scared* of hurting someone with my craziness tbh#and I only trust like. 3 people at all rn and for various reasons none of those people and I are going to date#and in most of those cases I'm very relieved and in the other there's mixed feelings but mostly positive bc again. i don't want to hurt any1#but i still yearn for it#it's still an emotional need#and I hate that it just isn't ever going to be met#it actually hurts so so badly knowing it won't be met#but i also understand that some people just dont get that kind of happiness#some of us just don't get to be loved#some of us are too ugly and crippled and insane for people to *want* us#i just don't really... want to keep going knowing thay#I'll post it here in the tags bc no one i know reads this blog#(a few know about it but it's not like anyone ever checks it)#but I'm definitely ideating and at risk rn#and i feel pathetic that this is what's doing it#but im an emotionally gooey person and a physical touch person and I'd already been thinking relationships probably werent something i can#like. even do#but then there was a blowup with my ex and like. it was made clear that i can not safely engage with anyone#like emotionally or romantically or sexually#because I'll just hurt them.#like there are parts of me i would like to change but are such a core part of me that they will never change#and they will always hurt someone if we're together ling enough#so im just going to idk.#isolate now tbh#im just gonna cry so much and know i will NEVER have what i emotionally need out of life
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not to jinx it but :-) it's july so that means this is the longest i've had a blog since i first remade (8ish months) <3
#ahvañe#this may seem like an insignificant detail but if you know my lore then you KNOW 8 months is CRAZY!!!#i have been described as 'remakes like she's on the most wanted list' on multiple occasions n#that has to do with neurotic tendencies that come out when im in a bad way and the only way i can cope and exercise#a modicum of control in my life is on the digital end of things. hence remaking blogs#im not sure if its bec the therapy is finally kicking in or if its bec im getting older or What#my neurotic tendencies may have been curbed by getting nerfed out of the blue HOWEVER#my blog tends to reflect how im doing IRL and this year has definitely been brutal in different ways#some better some worse than last year but these things happen. n idk. it feels nice to be comfortable w it.#it's v v easy to not see progress w urself especially when ur dealing with shit in real time and shit piles on#but things HAVE changed and i think im getting better at. like. life? idk. but anyway#ive lost contact w some ppl over the years but ive also met some wonderful people too#n im jusr grateful to be in a better place than i used to be. especially compared to [counts on fingers] 7 years ago.#NYway if ur reading this! i love u. im glad i exist<3
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