#also making posts online will never be social justice

[bardicious]

Spending time on the internet really just be like: Watches randos have a melt down over something new that doesn't matter every month.

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Tech’s benevolent-dictator-for-life to authoritarian pipeline

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/12/10/bdfl/#high-on-your-own-supply

Silicon Valley's "authoritarian turn" is hard to miss: tech bosses have come out for autocrats like Trump, Orban, Milei, Bolsonaro, et al, and want to turn San Francisco into a militia-patrolled apartheid state operated for the benefit of tech bros:

https://newrepublic.com/article/180487/balaji-srinivasan-network-state-plutocrat

Smart people have written well about what this means, and have gotten me thinking, too:

https://www.programmablemutter.com/p/why-did-silicon-valley-turn-right

Regular readers will know that I make a kind of hobby of collecting definitions of right-wing thought:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/09/29/jubilance/#tolerable-racism

One of these – a hoary old cliche – is that "a conservative is a liberal who's been mugged." I don't give this one much credence, but it takes on an interesting sheen when combined with this anonymous gem: "Conservatives say they long for the simpler times of their childhood, but what they miss is that the reason they lived simpler lives back then wasn't that the times were simpler; rather, it's because they were children."

If you're a tech founder who once lived in a world where your workers were also your pals and didn't shout at you about labor relations, perhaps that's not because workers got "woke," but rather, because when you were all scrapping at a startup, you were all on an equal footing and there weren't any labor relations to speak of. And if you're a once-right-on tech founder who used to abstractly favor "social justice" but now find yourself beset by people demanding that you confront your privilege, perhaps what's changed isn't those people, but rather the amount of privilege you have.

In other words, "a reactionary tech boss is a liberal tech boss who hired a bunch of pals only to have them turn around and start a union." And also: "Tech founders say things were simpler when they were running startups, but what they miss is that the reason no one asked their startup to seriously engage with the social harms it caused is the because the startup was largely irrelevant to society, while the large company it turned into is destroying millions of peoples' lives today."

The oft-repeated reactionary excuse that "I didn't leave the progressive movement, they left me," can be both technically true and also profoundly wrong: if progressives in your circle never bothered you about your commercial affairs, perhaps that's because those affairs didn't matter when you were grinding out code in your hacker house, but they matter a lot now that you have millions of users and thousands of employees.

I've been in tech circles since before the dawn of the dotcoms; I was part of a movement of people who would come over to your house with a stack of floppies and install TCP/IP and PPP networking software on your computer and show you how to connect to a BBS or ISP, because we wanted everyone to have as much fun as we were having.

Some of us channeled that excitement into starting companies that let people get online, create digital presences of their own, and connect with other people. Some of us were more .ORG than .COM and gave our lives over to activism and nonprofits, missing out on the stock options and big paydays. But even though we ended up in different places, we mostly started in the same place, as spittle-flecked, excited kids talking a mile a minute about how cool this internet thing would be and helping you, a normie, jump into it.

Many of my peers from the .ORG and .COM worlds went on to set up institutions – both companies and nonprofits – that have since grown to be critical pieces of internet infrastructure: classified ad platforms, online encyclopedias, CMSes and personal publishing services, critical free/open source projects, standards bodies, server-to-server utilities, and more.

These all started out as benevolent autocracies: personal projects started by people who pitched in to help their virtual neighbors with the new, digital problems we were all facing. These good people, with good impulses, did good: their projects filled an important need, and grew, and grew, and became structurally important to the digital world. What started off as "Our pal's project that we all pitch in on," became, "Our pal's important mission that we help with, but that also has paid staff and important stakeholders, which they oversee as 'benevolent dictator for life.'"

Which was fine. The people who kicked off these projects had nurtured them all the way from a napkin doodle to infrastructure. They understood them better than anyone else, had sacrificed much for them, and it made sense for them to be installed as stewards.

But what they did next, how they used their powers as "BFDLs," made a huge difference. Because we are all imperfect, we are all capable of rationalizing our way into bad choices, we are all riven with insecurities that can push us to do things we later regret. When our actions are checked – by our peers' social approval or approbation; by the need to keep our volunteers happy; by the possibility of a mass exodus of our users or a fork of our code – these imperfections are balanced by consequences.

Dictators aren't necessarily any more prone to these lapses in judgment than anyone else. Benevolent dictators actually exist, people who only retain power because they genuinely want to use that power for good. Those people aren't more likely to fly off the handle or talk themselves into bad places than you or me – but to be a dictator (benevolent or otherwise) is to exist without the consequences that prevent you from giving in to those impulses. Worse: if you are the dictator – again, benevolent or otherwise – of a big, structurally important company or nonprofit that millions of people rely on, the consequences of these lapses are extremely consequential.

This is how BDFL arrangements turn sour: by removing themselves from formal constraint, the people whose screwups matter the most end up with the fewest guardrails to prevent themselves from screwing up.

No wonder people who set out to do good, to help others find safe and satisfying digital homes online, find themselves feeling furious and beset. Given those feelings, can we really be surprised when "benevolent" dictators discover that they have sympathy for real-world autocrats whose core ethos is, "I know what needs to be done and I could do it, if only the rest of you would stop nagging me about petty bullshit that you just made up 10 minutes ago but now insist is the most important thing in the world?"

That all said, it's interesting to look at the process by which some BDFLs transitioned to community-run projects with checks and balances. I often think about how Wikipedia's BDFL, the self-avowed libertarian Jimmy Wales, decided (correctly, and to his everlasting credit), that the project he raised from a weird idea into a world-historic phenomenon should not be ruled over by one guy, not even him.

(Jimmy is one of those libertarians who believes that we don't need governments to make us be kind and take care of one another because he is kind and takes care of other people – see also John Gilmore and Penn Jillette:)

https://www.cracked.com/article_40871_penn-jillette-wants-to-talk-it-all-out.html

Jimmy's handover to the Wikimedia Foundation gives me hope for our other BDFLs. He's proof that you can find yourself in the hotseat without being so overwhelmed with personal grievance that you find yourself in sympathy with actual fascists, but rather, have the maturity and self-awareness to know that the reason people are demanding so much of you is that you have – deliberately and with great effort – created a situation in which you owe the world a superhuman degree of care and attention, and the only way to resolve that situation equitably and secure your own posterity is to share that power around, not demand that you be allowed to wield it without reproach.

[princesssarisa]

Pride and Prejudice adaptations with a modern setting – e.g. The Lizzie Bennet Diaries, Bride and Prejudice, Pride and Prejudice: A Latter-Day Comedy, Fire Island – seem to almost always save Lydia from Wickham in the end. Either Darcy stops the elopement, or the elopement is replaced with an online sex tape which is taken down. Wickham is either arrested or at least left behind permanently, and Lydia learns a lesson and gets a happy ending. Neither she nor the other characters have to live with her mistake for the rest of their lives the way they do in the original.

I've just been rereading several people's posts on this subject, and about Lydia's portrayal in general, which show some very different opinions about it all.

Of course, part of the issue is that in a modern setting, it's much easier to save Lydia. In most of the modern Western world, a teenage girl running off with a 30-year-old man would result in the man being arrested, not in their needing to get married to save both the girl's reputation and her whole family's. And even if they did get married, divorce is an option.

But I suspect the bigger issue is that Austen's original ending is considered cruel, unfair, and a product of outdated morals.

People view Austen as punishing Lydia for being a "bad girl" by leaving her trapped in a loveless marriage to a worthless man and always living on the edge of poverty, when by modern standards, she's guilty only of teenage foolishness. They accuse Austen of "making an example" of Lydia to teach young female readers how to behave, in contrast to the virtuous, well-behaved Elizabeth and Jane with their happy endings, and they call it anti-feminist.

Not only is Lydia's marriage bleak for her, it slightly mars Elizabeth and Darcy's happy ending too, as well as Jane and Bingley's. It means Wickham will always be a part of their lives, and for Lydia's sake, they're forced to treat him as a family member. Darcy is forced to financially assist his worst enemy – though at least he draws the line by not letting Wickham visit Pemberley – and even Jane and Bingley's patience is worn thin by the long periods of time Wickham and Lydia stay with them.

By modern standards of romantic comedy, this isn't normal. The heroine, the hero, and all their family and friends are expected to live entirely "happily ever after," while the antagonist – especially if he's a womanizer who preys on teenage girls – is expected to be punished, then never heard from again.

But of course, Austen didn't write simple romantic comedy. Her work was social commentary. Lydia's ending arguably isn't a punishment, but simply the only way her story could end without disgracing her or killing her off, and it arguably it serves less to condemn Lydia herself than to condemn the society that lets men like Wickham get away with preying on naïve young girls and forces their victims to marry them or else be disgraced forever. It also condemns the type of bad parenting that leads to Lydia's mistake. Lydia is the product of her upbringing, after all: between Mrs. Bennet's spoiling and Mr. Bennet's neglect, she's never had any decent parental guidance or protection. And our heroines, Elizabeth and Jane, both pity their sister and regret that marriage to Wickham is the only way to save her honor. No sympathetic character ever says she deserves it.

The fact that Lydia is trapped in a bad marriage, and that Wickham does go unpunished and the other characters will always have to tolerate him and even cater to him for Lydia's sake, arguably drives home Austen's social criticism. The fact that it adds bittersweetness to the otherwise blissfully happy ending is arguably part of the point. If we change it just to create a happier ending, or in the name of "feminism" and "justice for Lydia," doesn't that dilute the message?

Then there's the fact that by the standards of Austen's era, Lydia's ending is remarkably happy. She doesn't die, or end up abandoned and forced into sex work or a life of seclusion. Nor, despite Mr. Collins' recommendation, does her family cut ties with her: the ending reveals that Jane and Elizabeth regularly welcome her into their homes, and Elizabeth "frequently" sends her money. Other authors would have punished her much more severely.

But of course, that was a different time. While in Austen's original context, Lydia's fate might seem fairly happy and lenient, by modern standards it seems more cruel. And since most of the modern retellings that change her fate are screen adaptations, not books, maybe the difference in art form further justifies the change. I'm thinking of that post I recently reblogged, which argued that some of Austen's more "merciless" plot points would seem darker on film than in print, and therefore tend to be softened in adaptations.

So how should a modernized adaptation handle Lydia's ending? Is it better and more progressive when they save her from Wickham? Or for the sake of social commentary and retaining Austen's sharp edges, should the writers follow the book and find a way (not necessarily marriage to Wickham, but some modern equivalent) for her mistake to leave her trapped in a less-than-happy life, and add a slight bittersweet note to the other characters' endings too?

I think a case can be made for both choices and I'd like to know other people's viewpoints.

[intersex-support]

Hi! I'm probably not intersex, and recently I've been trying to educate myself as much as possible on the intersex experience, entirely through reading posts from intersex people here on Tumblr.

I was wondering if there was any chance I could get some guidance on how I can best be supportive of intersex people both online and out in the wild! I try a lot to reblog everything I see on here and in general just treat everyone the same way, no matter if they're intersex or not, but I can't help but be worried I'll say something wrong out of being still on my journey to being educated.

So I thought I'd come here and just... ask?

What can I do to be the best ally I can?

In the same vein, do you happen to have any suggestions on sources I could use to educate myself further?

Thanks in advance!

Hi anon! Thanks for wanting to be a better ally.

I would recommend checking out the sources shared in this post.

I'd also specifically highlight that I think it's really important for allies to learn about intersex justice. Intersex justice is a specific movement and framework created by intersex people of color from the Intersex Justice Project that looks at intersex justice as a part of collective liberation, understands the important of cross-movement organizing, and recognizes the way that systems of power based on white supremacy and colonialism shape and enable intersex oppression. The seven principles of intersex justice are:

Informed consent

Reparations

Legal protections

Accountability

Language

Children's rights

Patient-centered healthcare

These are really important values to center your intersex allyship around.

I'll also share some miscellaneous tips for things to think about in your intersex allyship:

Listen to intersex people about our experiences, not doctors! The medical system plays a huge role in our oppression, and is not the expert on our experiences.

You're going to have to unlearn a lot more biases and myths than you might think you have to. Intersexism/compulsory dyadism shows up in a lot of small ways, like the fact there's only M and F boxes in forms, jokes about micropenises, beauty standards about body hair, and more. Keep an eye out for all these ways our society props up the sex binary, even though it's a myth.

Avoid DSD terminology, referring to "male" and "female" bodies, calling intersex a "third sex" and never use the h slur. Other terminology that isn't always bad, but often gets misused that can be good to keep an eye out for: AFAB/AMAB, biological sex (when people say that gender is socially constructed but sex is biological).

Research if there are intersex organizations in your country and join their email list! That's a great way to stay informed about if there's any current initiatives, protests, legislative proposals, or other forms of activism you can get involved in.

Speak up when you see intersexism in every space you're in, whether that's people advocating for normalizing surgery, using the h-slur, or otherwise talking in ways that dehumanize or isolate intersex people.

Figure out a way to bring intersex awareness to the spaces that you're in! Whether this is putting up posters for Intersex Awareness day in October in your neighborhood, work, and community spaces, hosting an event at an organization or club about intersex topics, watching an intersex film with your friends, even something like making intersex pride stuff for the Sims if that's a hobby of yours--those are all great ways to introduce more people to intersex topics.

Listen to the intersex people in your life about how to support them! A lot of intersex people have a lot of very different experiences, needs, and wants. We don't have universal experiences and there are many different opinions on things in the intersex community. A lot of us are also multiply marginalized and our intersex identities are shaped by that.

If other intersex followers have tips, please feel free to add on!

[qqueenofhades]

it's concerning what people are saying and thinking is activism. I've unfollowed someone who unironically reblogged something that said death to israel. how is that going to help? if anything that's just making a more hostile environment. support palestine but maybe cool it about what you say about israel considering why it exists in the first place

There are a few reasons for this, and the first is that the western left is so absolutely goddamn terrible about recognizing its increased and violent radicalization. I can't tell you how many posts I've seen to the effect of "the far right wants to kill everybody but the far left just wants healthcare for everyone uwu." First, by their own extremely warped and constantly biased perception, that would actually make the mainstream Democratic Party "far left." The party might disagree about how exactly the actual mechanism for better/more equitable healthcare should be implemented (etc. etc. if you oppose instant Medicare for All with no other transition period or hybrid options, YOU ARE EXACTLY THE SAME AS A FASCIST!), but that's now a central and uncontroversial plank of official Democratic party policy. But since as we know, BOTH SIDES ARE THE SAME!!!, clearly that can't be what the self-defined "far left" actually wants. Witness how we've had several days of intense and valedictory social media approval and worship of a mentally ill person's violent and public suicide, because it was done for the "right reasons." This person should have been given help and support, yes, and we never know what's going on in anyone's head. But if I was someone also contemplating suicide, this whole "it's the right thing to do and you should just burn yourself to death and announce it's for the Right Cause and you will have legions of adoring admirers" would be hella hard to resist. This is going to directly cost more lives.

We point out all the time that the far right has become a fascistic death cult of authoritarian personality, but the online far left is now absolutely just as willing to make "you should die and/or kill yourself and others for Ideology" a central part of their platform. We've had endless rhetoric about how the violent Glorious Revolution is the only answer and society is irretrievably broken. This is casual, constant, inescapable radicalization, and it's presented as the only way to "do" leftism. So of course the rhetoric gets increasingly insane and genocidal (while insisting that all they want is to "stop the genocide"), and it's more and more normalized. We've had people reblogging posts that are almost entirely lies, because they "want to highlight" one sentence or half-truth they agree with (and apparently decided the best way to do this was to uncritically amplify the misinformation, rather than making their own post and trying to push back on it). We've had people admitting they're afraid to lose friends or be attacked on social media because the Groupthink is so pervasive and violently radicalized. This is not normal and this needs to fucking stop.

Secondly, and this is inescapable especially in regard to this particular conflict, the western left is absolutely steeped in antisemitism through and through, and it has no desire either to examine that or even think it should. It has become absolutely mired in the "antisemitism is a Good and Necessary and Correct belief to have and it's not actually a prejudice, it contributes to social justice because all Israelis and/or all Jews are evil settler colonialists constantly genociding innocent Hamas and/or Palestinians." This is why, as I keep saying, it's not that hard to support Palestinian self-determination, statehood, dignity, freedom, and a stop to the indiscriminate slaughter of Gaza, while not actually thinking that the way to do this is just to be wildly antisemitic at all times and calling for the genocide of Israel to be substituted for the genocide of Gaza. That does not actually reduce the net amount of genocide in this world!!! I thought you wanted to stop it, not turn it loose on another group of people who "deserve it more!" JESUS CHRIST!!!

On that note, even if you don't agree with every single premise or point it makes, a lot of people on this website (and on Twitter, but yeah, uh, good luck with that) need to read the following article in order to understand, as I keep saying, how deeply virulent antisemitism has become an unquestioned tenet of virtuous faith among the western left. Content warnings for some very graphic depictions/discussions of violence, including sexual violence, but that's not an excuse. If you've found yourself posting or agreeing with any version of the "Jews/Zionists/Israelis are all collectively responsible for this while evilly torturing innocent non-Jews" thesis statement, READ IT. Y'know, read it anyway. Try to get the first and most basic grip on the fraught and violent history of antisemitism, which is quite literally the oldest prejudice in the world, and how that interacts with and negatively informs the way in which supposedly well-intentioned western leftists are reacting to the current situation. As I said in an earlier post, I don't care if your "good intentions" (the road to hell is paved with, etc. etc.) are solely about stopping the current slaughter directed against Palestinians. That does not excuse you from the consequences of the lies you spread and the genocidal violence that you advocate as a "better" or "more correct" kind of genocidal violence then that already taking place. So. Yeah.

If you run into a paywall, you can remove it by disabling JavaScript on the page (this can be done with most ad-blockers), or someone has also helpfully provided the full text as a pdf in this link. Read it.

[queeranotkira]

Death Note Killer Within Gameplay Theories (post your ideas in the comments)

What sort of gameplay do you think Death Note Killer Within will feature? Reddit has theorized that it will be Persona-esque in nature (I've never played it though personally). I doubt you’ll be playing as Light Yagami, that’s too redundant, so likely a custom character.

Maybe it'll be a visual novel format with multiple endings/routes? Or more Telltale-esque where *all* of your individual choices majorly impact the story development and events during gameplay?

Do you think the setting will still take place in the early 2000's because even the latest one-shot acknowledged it would be infinitely harder for Kira to kill in this modern digital landscape, what with search algorithms and AI and social media already profiling criminals? Although there are definitely still ways to effectively conceal your online presence, it probably wouldn't be as fun in a gameplay format. Murder mystery games (see Higurashi) are best if set in the 80's/90's/early 2000's.

Playing as Kira and killing criminals/FBI agents/cops and trying to minimize suspicion all while you navigate maintaining a façade of normalcy as a high school student? Choosing who to trust amongst your friend group and who to select as loyal followers? Figuring out who to kill and when to kill amongst your allies if there's a possibility of them betraying you or other meddling people you know? If it's people you're personally acquainted with the stakes and risks rise and you run the likelihood of being found out (like a superior version of Yandere simulator).

Creating an army of controlled "zombies" to do your bidding for 23 days or less in ways that don't shed suspicion upon you. Figuring out which ways to go about disposing of the criminals you've profiled. A suspicion meter that could be influenced by your action, inaction, and interactions and which people you choose to kill. Kira Game has trust and suspicion meters as well. A Danganronpa style debate mode where you attempt to vouch for your innocence or frame someone else.

Figuring out ways to bribe your shinigami to make him more cooperative. You run a risk of the shinigami killing you if his boredom meter exceeds a certain limit. A mode where you try to appeal to your accomplice Misa-esque girlfriend by taking her on fake dates to butter her up to you.

Trying to eliminate fellow notebook users all with the end goal of claiming L's position and power for yourself? Having other notebook users trying to usurp your position as Kira or change the public's perception of Kira's influence and goal, tarnishing his image. Having a criminal organization find out Kira's identity and target him and his family because they know the notebook is being used against them and want it for themselves?

Having a family member find out that you're Kira and the unique barriers that would pose.

Certain modes where you have to figure out how to use the Death Note to achieve a specific outlined goal.

Or like the Kira Game it could also give you the option to play as L to track down Kira? Dispatch and coordinate FBI agents? Even work alongside Wammy's House alumni and your successors to corner him? A psychological mind battle/debate mode? Also a fansevice mode when playing as L where you can select from a series of homoerotic methods to keep Kira under surveillance (including chaining him to you).

Maybe you'll have the option to play as a random student at Wammy's House if they were to become Kira. I'd personally love it if there were a route/option where you could play as Mello if he were to stumble upon the notebook. Mello wouldn’t use the notebook out of a sense of justice, but might get roped into thinking he could assist L indirectly by cleaning up scummy people. Near suspects he’s doing killings but Mello can’t kill him because of his successor status, so he has to find creative ways to conceal evidence of his doings from him before he reports it to L, all while fighting to maintain his position as second best at Wammy’s House.

Or playing as Mello directly after he leaves Wammy's House and helping him rise in the ranks as a top dog mafioso, taking down rival gangs and gaining the favor of Rod Ross using the help of the notebook. Even enlisting Matt to aid him in the process. You either play as Mello or play against him if his criminal org decides to target you and kidnap a family member. Even an option where Mello goes up against the original L, being Kira as his successor, trying to kill him to take his place.

The possibilities are endless!

[yourtoradorasextendedwarranty]

No. It's not Cancel Culture.

I've seen a lot of people recently saying that the right is embracing cancel alter. Which is actually kind of funny to me because that's never what cancel culture meant.

Long story short cancel culture as a topic or rather, as a phrase was basically invented for one very specific purpose. Cancel culture was invented to a culture of taking stuff from people's past, digging it up by going through various different social media websites blogs or other things, and then posting it online in a very public forum and then demanding others share that to that person's workplace.

"Are you in your 40s - 70s now? Well did you ever do blackface once upon a time when it was not seen as an absolutely atrocious thing to do? Well guess what we are going to do everything in our power to get you fired from your job. Ruin your life. Make sure that you can never make income ever again. And we're also going to try to get your family removed from their livelihoods as well."

"Are you a race car driver? Did your dad say the n-word once before? Did he do it before you were ever born? Well we're going to remove your sponsors and make sure that it is harder for you to have a life because the sins of the father are the sins of the son".

"Do you have an opinion on LGBT things that we don't like? Are you one of those gay people from the past who think that it should have been called a gay partnership rather than gay marriage? Well we are going to make sure that your life going forward as an absolute living hell and that you are not considered part of the LGBT community despite the fact that you were probably there fighting for the rights to be considered normal before any of us were ever born."

Those things generally speaking are what we refer to as cancel culture. Digging things up from 3 to 5 years ago or longer and then bringing them to people you know are absolutely willing (and often incited) to call businesses and jobs and other things and get that person removed from polite society as an entirety.

However, cancel culture is not posting something publicly to a social media site as a way to inform (yes there's a difference. The moderates don't incite. You all do) With no calls to action. Just saying "hey these people exist", and yes there people taking it on themselves to tell businesses that their employees advocate for violence. Because fun fact about speech. I am for freedom of speech under the laws of the Constitution. However calls to action are not free speech. Truth is, a lot of the people who have been fired should have actually been arrested. Because it's not a joke when you tell someone to try it again or to do it again or saying "next time" knowing the implication.

Because if that same exact thing had happened with Joe Biden and you had a bunch of Fringe lunatics on the right saying "next time don't miss", they would be in solitary confinement for the rest of their lives because the justice system leans heavily in favor of democrat power. So, the right is finally learning their lesson. Which is that if a person doesn't support your rights to speak you don't defend theirs. And I know that there are going to be people who don't agree with that. They are going to say that that's not moral or not principled. But you know why I don't care? Because I'm not on the right. And because I actually support free speech. But here's the problem.

If you willingly defend the rights of people who would take your rights away at a heartbeat that's not being called principled that's called being a moron. Because if you were to save someone knowing they would willingly kill you in the same given situation you're not winning any victories. You're not doing yourself any favors. Have some semblance of self-preservation.

Because I can promise you, there is no point in having morals or principles at all if they are only going to be utilized as a weapon against you. Am I saying that you should forsake your morals or forsake your principles? No. I'm saying that if there are other people who value living in polite society the same as you and they would defend you if you were in need then you can defend them when they are in need. You can still have morals and principles. I'm not saying don't.

But stop letting it be a weapon against you. Because when you let it be a weapon against you, all you do is tie yourself down to be beaten. Your morals and principles will mean nothing if you're in a gulag or you're dead. So, forgive me if I am not apologetic towards the people who asked for an act of extreme violence to happen again. Because what was it that the leftist used to call it? Not "cancel culture" but "consequence culture". If a business does not want to keep you employed with them because you publicly express violent rhetoric, that's their right.

Because what was it that Destiny said whenever people got banned when they said learn to code? "It's a private company they can do what they want". Well guess what Destiny. Kick banned you and they can do what they want. Twitter demonetized you and they can do what they want. If you can't stand up for other people's rights whenever you have power you do not deserve to have people who actually value those rights stand up for you when you're not in power anymore.

[saiwriting]

The Mask of Vulnerability 

Saiya Soublet

Emotional intelligence is the new fad. Deeper than any dietary restrictions or new dance craze, there is the diet of the soul. Today, we all crave the vulnerability and intimacy which was stolen from us through capitalistic fervor and divide-and-conquer social media tactics. We are living in a time where colonization and imperialism are more overtly pervasive throughout every facet in our lives. Vulnerability and the illusion of connecting to others on a deeper level is on the rise as a result of this. 

Oftentimes, I see posts that I think are both funny and incredibly relatable, but what part they are relating to is up for debate. These memes commonly take the form of making subverted or subdued attempts at being open, but also making light of our deep feelings through a cute-ification and heavily humor leaning medium. Admittedly, I think that I loved liking and retweeting and posting these collages of consciousness because I, too, felt the calling to express all of the deep emotion and struggle that was going to pour out from me sooner or later. Other than putting it into my writing, it was funny memes that, when actually analyzed (or…maybe over analyzed) could point to the true culmination of feelings inside. Unfortunately, this comes at a price of a waning authenticity that is pervasive in a culture that thrives on relatability and group-think instead of individuality, personal expression, and the cultivation of an honest exchange of the qualities of humanity. 

Never are we comfortable with exposing our shadow sides to others, especially strangers on the internet, but as the lines are blurred between what is a private struggle and what constitutes as a web-wide conversation starter or PR nightmare. As a whole, we share more of ourselves with those that we don’t see face to face because it feels good to project your shadow side into the ether. Your shadow blends well with the pit of darkness that is the internet so that you are not singled out as “the person” with “the flaws.” When expressing true vulnerability within the confines of real life, face-to-face interaction, there is no hiding that shadow and it may even be distressing to see how much we obscure our own light. Online, everything blends, so it is never truly you. 

This is seen with the uptick in what is called “therapy speak” as ways to avert our attention from inward accountability to external excuses or just compulsive labeling and shelving of things that should be picked apart and thoroughly looked to be put in the right place. It’s like looking at moldy dinner in a tupperware that was made a month ago and going, “Yep, that is my moldy month-old dinner in a tupperware,” and then not throwing it away. Labeling, now that we as a collective seemingly know most of what we can about how we function cognitively and behaviorally, is obsolete. It does nothing for us but create an echo chamber of back and forth accusations with no following justice. Sometimes our justification and healing for the more vulnerable side of things lie within the feelings and issues rather than trying to exist without. 

Of course, this is nothing new because there has always been a complex with the rise of the way we do social media now that emphasizes a more curated version of your authenticity where you can show yourself but it has to be polished because we’ve gotten so used to the consuming of others instead of interacting. So, this curation of vulnerability is on the rise as a result. I have personal experience with how that can be an illusion of opening up, but in reality, it is just a sarcastic mask masquerading as the mask of tragedy. There is no way to truly know this from an outsider perspective and it takes the less popular version of introspection and shadow work to really understand how we cut ourselves off from actually feeling authentically. Humor, sarcasm, and relatability are huge drugs for our ego. 

Vulnerability at its realest is a surrendering of the ego, a condemnation of the pressure built inside of us from harboring things that we try to file away in the back as our undesirables. That reality, however, does not align with the core principles of social media that keep us enmeshed into its patterns. As a society, we’ve finally understood the harmful nature of pop culture therapy speak, but have invented a new way of pathologizing our spiritual breakdown into our newest harmful pastime: relentless humor in the face of tragedy. Admittedly, as effective of a method as it can be to make sure that we still harbor joy in our lives, there is a time and place. Unfortunately, we have put too much emphasis on laughing together that the cries and pleas of those actually struggling fall on drowned out ears. It’s difficult because we want to be open. We want to be loved and seen for the light that we all possess, but it is difficult when we are uncomfortable with vulnerability and even more uncomfortable with the consequences we have seen time and time again where vulnerability on the net is met with scrutiny, shame, and even disdain. Even positive forms of vulnerability, such as sharing a sweet moment of drinking coffee with your husband on your porch, is met with vitriol. 

So, how do we combat this? Well, for starters, we can be more honest. Take the humor out of spaces meant for reflection and honest expression of things that are more troubling in nature. Stop making your feelings funny! If you feel sadness, if you feel doubt, if you feel like things are not going to be okay, express that fully. Humor is a great tool to lighten our soul, but if we use it as a sedative for more serious emotions, we run the risk of numbing ourselves from what makes us feel truly human. Another way that we can combat this is by opening up the pit of social media a bit. Right now, it seems as though it’s a black hole of negativity, apathy, and overall unseriousness, but if we create more open and safe spaces for people to have conducive conversations about how they actually feel, then it can foster more spaces where we can express actual joy. 

Everyone is putting up a mask online, and if you don’t think you are, you probably just don’t know it yet. Take off the mask. Open your eyes to the sun and realize that you are not the sum of your parts. You are whole just as you are. I encourage you to be the initiator of honest conversations and the creation of safe spaces online. 

[eatmangoesnekkid]

On Covid and the next thing coming 🪶🕊️🪽🪞🫀

I generally don't post about things like this on my blog but I also feel that it's important to name and square up on the monster and the future monsters to come. I am overjoyed that this kind of information is finally coming out about the vaccine. If you have some intuitive awareness, you, like me, probably felt that there was something not right about it. Personally there was no way on earth I was going to inject this vaccine toxin into my body even when people were trying to make unvaccinated people feel ashamed about our decisions, called us "selfish," and accused us of not looking out for vulnerable people. My goodness! We definitely need more Priestess women in the world and it's one thing I'm looking forward to about my online school and high-gated online temple space. People are going to have to remember how to trust those who can 'see' in the dark so that we can teach them how to access their seer qualities too or give them some deeper intelligence that will help them to make a more thoughtful decision. People whose mind have been trained on how to think and process information like in the medical, academic/higher education, social justice, corporate, leadership/managerial, or political system will especially need support, alongside any other people who have worked for long hours and haven’t had the time, resources, space, or ease to open up their minds to different ways of thinking and sensing beyond the programming and conditioning. In other words, those who have lived a lot of their life and lifetimes being busy, in their heads or behind computers, will especially need support.

There are many cases of people who died right after being vaccinated or developed neurological disorders when they were perfectly healthy before. It's fucked up how many well-meaning people were trying to force people like me to get vaccinated against our better judgment on how to care for our bodies and the bodies of our love ones. When this kind of evil happen again, or something similar that may not be related to a vaccine but something else, we do not need to separate and point fingers at each other like children but to come together as divine humans. People have learn to trust those of us who have deeper intuitive gifts, and not merely blindly hand their trust over to the government and do whatever they tell them to do to their body. Because most things on the news have an agenda that doesn't support the health and wellness of any of us. And whatever narrative the government and status quo culture is pushing is usually not healthiest option. Education on how to build up the quality and frequency of the immune system is the Priestess path.

If you want to elevate in your female tissues, whatever the government says begin to question it and in most cases, do the opposite. What I hope people take away from experience is the need to wake up and become more aware of the slick manipulation that is coming down the pipeline in the future. If you are still listening to everything in the news and not listening to your own mystical female body, you will never be sovereign and autonomous enough to find real solutions outside the oppressive inhumane structures we have been taught to perceive are on our side.

Never forget that they are more likely than not NOT advocating for your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your loved ones. *The only exception to this would be an elderly or immune-compromised person in your family who really feels that they need to be vaccinated. Some people need to be vaccinated and that vaccination will be helpful to their wellbeing. Do not fight against what is living in a person‘s mind i.e. reality because it will be what they need to be well/better and more relaxed and calm, although you may feel differently about your own body.

I know we won’t see the totality of the effects of this vaccine for years to come, but what’s also true is that everyone is different and some won’t be adversely effected at all. If you were vaccinated, do not feel shame or guilt. Unchecked or unresolved frequencies of shame or guilt comprises the wellbeing of the body. Instead talk to your body. Ask/decree it to break up and dissolve the vaccine out of your nervous system and tissues. People often say you won't receive if you don't “ask.” I find the opposite is true. Asking can leak away a helluva lot of energy…like people who beg when they pray. I find that when I say NO to nearly everything, and make a clear decree on what I expect to happen, blessings come POURING and LEAKING IN because the universe that within us all finally realizes that I will neither be played with; nor am I playing.

Sweating and opening up the body’s detoxification pathways in other ways can also help. Many people are mentally unwell for many different reasons and their state of mind informs why they ‘see’ and the choices they make. A parasite cleanse will greatly help to open up your mind to trigger more mental clarity and access your God energy, intuitive qualities. Build heaven on earth around you—this is the purpose of true beauty. If you can not build it, begin to imagine it. Attract a lover and/or friend you can experience an amplified heaven on earth energy with. Source money and resources in ways that amplify your heaven. If you can’t, imagine what it would be like to do so. -India Ame'ye, AUthor

ETA: While I didn’t personally need any confirmation, Mama Delores affirmed my words. Consciously speaking to different parts of my body everyday is part of my spiritual practice. My most spoken to parts are my breasts which I imagine is the reason I feel so much love effortlessly around being alive at this time. 🥰🫀❤️

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[bloomeng]

One thing that never ceases to irk me are the people in fan spaces who make their whole personality harassing people online but hide behind the shield of social justice. “Calling out” people over generally baseless evidence is not productive and is actually quite literally more detrimental to whatever cause they’re fighting for. And it’s sad because usually the issues they cite are legitimate, but they make a mockery of the topic. Buzz words don’t equate to genuine criticism.

It’s easy to spot too because these types of people rarely know how to articulate how Point A relates to Point B, they’re just following patterns and accusing based on assumption. So when they “call someone out” and that person gets rightfully defensive, their response is typically some variation of “I shouldn’t have to explain.” I shouldn’t have to explain why harassing people on the internet isn’t helpful and raises no awareness, so yes actually I would like you to explain. Instead of being an angry anon or commenter write your own essay, MLA formatted, with a work cited page. Since you’re so clearly passionate about this, be productive and discuss it. It doesn’t matter if other people have already talked about it. It can be therapeutic to write these things down.

As I mentioned it’s frustrating because the issues they identify are real, and like any other space, fandom sees patterns of misogyny, racism, misogynoir, etc. reflected in it because these spaces are built by people and people all have internal bias. However, it’s rare that one post will be indicative of someone’s entire account let alone their personality as a whole. There of course will always be outliers; people whose online footprint is really that egregious, but most people aren’t that guy.

There’s also the fact that these tirades often fixate on one thing, and in doing so ignore intersectionality completely. You generally don’t know who’s behind an account and more over identifying issues based on patterns leaves no room for nuance. And then we circle back to these people don’t seem to actually understand the root of the issue they’re advocating for.

[olderthannetfic]

https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/728886929370857472/httpswwwtumblrcomolderthannetfic728767139305

Agree with this. I mean I’m an academic who in grad school was often in discussions with people who were Terminally Online, but the dumb ways they applied tumblr discourse in class were usually the least of their problems (as in they were often awful people in their ACTIONS outside of class. That said I’ll never forget the person, who was not a gay or bisexual man himself but was a straight trans man who acted like that identity meant he could speak for the entire LGBTQ community based on stuff he read on Tumblr and never doing the actual class reading, claiming that the way Wayne Koestenbaum described gay man’s attachment to female opera divas in The Queen’s Throat had “consent issues.” This was a guy who later got investigated by Title IX for graphically discussing his sex life with other grad students, including female TAs when he was a student instructor).

But I think where I saw the most obnoxious and insidious ways that Tumblr discourse shit infected irl academic discourse was you’d have some older academic who wasn’t super online but cared a lot about social justice and wanting to do the right thing, and would hear about some concept third hand and think it sounded good and not have the broader context a regular Tumblr, Twitter, etc. person would have to know why it wasn’t, or that the person behind it was abusive or didn’t really know their stuff (I’m thinking about stuff like Medieval POC being promoted by academics who just liked the idea of highlighting more instances of POC in pre-modern European history, didn’t know that the person behind it was a racefaker with a history of deeply racist statements, and weren’t specifically art historians or really digging all that deep into her posts to know that she was getting some basic stuff wrong). My frustration a lot as a grad student who is familiar with Tumblr, and with the feminist blogosphere of the late 00s/early 10s before it where a lot of “Tumblr social justice” first developed, was trying to explain that there were people within that culture who were pro-SJ and feminist and antiracist and so on, and from marginalized groups themselves, who had legitimate objections to these concepts being applied to academia that didn’t come from unfamiliarity or “college students just need to grow up” style thinking that you saw in Jonathan Chait style thinkpieces.

For instance, I objected to and continue to object to “mandatory trigger warnings” because I’ve read about and seen in action how they’re often used by students to box in female and POC faculty — already disproportionately hurt by student evaluations — for not running their class or discussing issues of race, gender, etc. in a way that perfectly fits their ideas from Online Discourse. They’re harder on us for this than similar white male faculty, especially older ones, and older white male allies need to be more aware of this when they extrapolate from their own experiences. (Also students IME will get way angrier if a film by or about marginalized people is “triggering” even though it’s impossible to show some aspects of systemic misogyny or racism on screen without doing that — think movies like Do the Right Thing — than they will a similarly “triggering” film by and about white dudes that has no larger Social Point to Make with its triggering content. And I say this as someone who always gives students a heads up beforehand, but some really think that those movies shouldn’t be shown AT ALL and I’m increasingly getting students asking me to accommodate trigger warning requests for vague Tumblr stuff like “unreality” and I’m so tired.)

Thanks for letting me rant about “Tumblr SJ” and academia in your inbox lol

--

[mctoons]

How are you? What happened with your old fandoms?

I didn’t fully understand what their problem was. All I know is that someone online approached me and started sending me weird messages like gore and they were on a rant about them thinking my art is stolen or traced or something, but then they also wanted to befriend me? And ask for free art? Idk, it was a mess and I don’t take mentally-off-the-charts people shouting at me well (duh). I’m pretty sure that other than being clinically online and unhinged, they were struggling with some sort of mental disorder. And then they told some rumours to people apparently, and those ppl came harassing me in my DMs and ask box… although I could benefit from some of them xd like they first said I was ranfordgallus then aristokratts. But they didn’t realize I would actually gain more following and attention. So then I told them “sure” they got mad at that too lol.

Although I gotta be completely honest: some posts WERE taken from r34.com and weren’t mine. But I’m a small creator. I gotta get some following somehow. I’ll have time to improve later.

anyway

I learned my lesson and I’m never engaging with weirdos again and try to ignore haters. Or just rage bait them further lol.

otherwise I’m good! I’ve moved back to my other platforms like Twitter because my account got some problems/ ban or smth, but now it’s lifted and I was just able to log back in. So hi!

I was never really into the WK fandom, I’m just here as a statement. Like people (especially social justice heroes online) love being offended by meaningless things. Just cuz I ship two brothers, doesn’t make a difference in the world. I’d never get with a relative and they won’t either just cuz I ship ‘em, so I don’t get the point pff

[birdhcuse]

Teagan Videography Headcanons

Teagan always asks for consent before filming. They hate the culture of teens randomly filming people without their consent, something Jewel actively contributes to. She's captured at least a couple of Teagan's embarrassing moments and posted them on her social media. They're more well-known for those embarrassing moments than they are for their documentaries.

In the thread where Teagan meets Nicolau, I characterized them as someone who didn't appreciate the average everyday citizen. I feel like their characterization has taken a different turn. They appreciate the mundane and love highlighting small businesses/independent artists, but they have a hard time bridging the language barrier to find someone who would willingly be part of their documentaries. Nicolau agreeing to let them capture his mural was a HUGE deal for them.

Teagan didn’t mind their camera quality up until they were allowed to capture Nicolau's mural. They feel like they didn't do the mural justice. I've also played around with the idea of Letícia pushing Teagan out of the way so she could capture the mural herself, bragging about her higher quality camera and following (promising Nicolau fame and fortune).

Given how they barely have anything left for them to remember their past life, documenting/preserving things is VERY important to Teagan. They want to immortalize artwork, people, memories...because they know how valuable memories can be and how difficult it can be to lose them and know you can never get them back.

Teagan quadruple checks to make sure they're not recording over footage they haven't saved yet and back up both the raw files and edited videos in multiple places. If there's one thing Teagan would wring out from Jasper if they could access his wealth without feeling guilty, it'd be a large ass hard-drive. They'd be willing to accept even a 2TB hard-drive, but more storage capacity is always better. A (legitimate) 20TB or higher hard-drive is a pipe dream for them.

Teagan would have two YouTube channels—a main channel for their edited documentaries and a second channel where they back up the raw files as unlisted videos. Unlike Jewel (who has at least 1000 subs on YouTube), Teagan would be lucky if their main channel reached 100. It's probably more like 20 subs. Their second channel is purely for backing up the unedited videos. They have the raw videos on DVDs, but it's convenient to upload them online to access at any time. They don't really care about their lack of a following—their videos are for THEM.

Teagan would want to film home movies once Nicolau starts visiting. They'd definitely ask to record the first time he visits just in case he never comes over again. I'm not sure how they'd handle the subsequent times. Special Occasions (like birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc.) are definitely getting recorded once they're officially dating Nicolau. I can also see them filming him candidly whenever they see something small they want to capture, if Nicolau agreed that'd be okay for them to do. Nicolau is absolutely their favorite subject and they could never have enough video recordings of him.

Back before Nicolau moved in, Teagan would rewatch their videos of Nicolau a lot and occasionally pause on a frame where they considered Nicolau to look pretty hot. There's probably been at least one case where Nicolau enters the apartment when Teagan is obviously staring at his ass and they have to awkwardly play it off like they were pausing so they could go to the bathroom/make themselves a snack/grab a blanket.

I can also see Teagan putting together a video diary, if they can manage the storage space. Those videos would be uploaded to the second channel, though they'd be privated. They'd also be on Teagan's computer and on DVDs. Picture Nicolau stumbling across a video diary entry somehow (probably through popping in the wrong DVD because their handwriting is so atrocious that the DVD case labels are practically illegible) and watching Teagan talk about their feelings for Nicolau or going into their trauma. :3c

[wild-at-mind]

I don't want to be shitty to younger people on tumblr and in social justice spaces (teens and early 20s) and their absolutism and black and white thinking because I totally was like that too. I absolutely loved that thing where someone said something bad about a tumblr user and then you could act like everything they said was suspect forever. It was so convenient, to put things neatly into boxes. Social justice on here was very different back then, this would have been the early 2010s and a lot of it was about cultural appropriation vs appreciation. I think that is a very important conversation but this too was very black and white. I noticed that the only person injecting any nuance was an activist in her 40s I used to follow. Through her I learned also that some topics are really loaded for certain people but others might not feel the same because of different life experiences, even if they were the same ethnic group encountering the same type of potential appropriation. She got me primed for nuance I would later need, when my brain flat out stopped letting me deal with black and white thinking after my breakdown in 2015 and the fallout going up till 2017 and beyond. It's only now that I am really getting better. With occassional lapses. (Like when people on here were lauding protest suicide, that messed with my brain so much. Activists like the one I used to follow who don't like that kind of thinking, or the bloodthirstiness of a lot of the 'activism' shit on here, leave tumblr. They do, because it is shit here. You can get attacked for opposing the violence and self flaggelation in the rhetoric on here. By people you broadly agree with!!)

I think the reason youth tends to come with this kind of thinking is because they haven't seen it happen many times before and not lead to revolution. I can only assume that there really are people using social media to make young people interested in activism think that accelerationism is the only pure policy- by not doing things that might make things slightly better, society will be forced to fall and revolutionise into something much better. That means you don't become impure in the eyes of some internet strangers who don't give a fuck about you as a person, which is important to most people especially younger ones who haven't found their 'people' yet- everyone wants to be accepted. So you wait, years and years, the revolution doesn't happen. Things get worse in many ways, but it's never worse enough for society to fall. Because it won't. Or I guess probability means statistically, it could. But the older you get, the less likely it seems. What will you do?

I think the only thing that helped me out of this headspace was meeting people in real life who believed the same things as me, but who I disagreed with slightly. I found out oh wait, I do not have to do as the internet says and cast these people out. I can slightly disagree on how ideally an issue should be handled and that is ok. Now, many years later, I'm reclaiming my right to think the way I do, and to not trick myself into thinking I am a way I am not. The way my brain works may not be how my friend's brain works, but I can trust she won't reject me because I find JK Rowling's opinions offensive but don't find content dunking on her interesting in any way. Because she's my friend, and at the end of the day we share the same values.

To someone not online I don't think this stuff would make sense at all. Sadly I'm too weak to not be online, and I have this long background of being in that space which influences all the pushback with myself I've had to do. Its hard to get rid of that history, and hard to ignore the posting on here that seems to validate things that people living with OCD cannot put stock in (e.g. your feelings and thoughts are objectively real and also show what kind of person you really are- absolutely not something we can accept and still live with ourselves.) But I have to do it. I have to keep living. I have to believe that would be a net good. If I can't stay offline, maybe by writing this stuff it will help me and others who think like me.

My top tips for when you realise society isn't falling and won't just reset and come back better:

Join IRL activists, support their actions, plan actions with them. Get used to the variety of shapes activism takes. Talk with them about the things you disagree with. Your ability to ally with people you slightly disagree with but agree on most issues is the number 1 way you become set apart from internet-based activism.

Be suspicious of anyone promoting inaction as activism. (Yes that's about the not voting people.) You don't become impure if you vote for the candidate who is the least shit, or has the most chance of getting in and making things less shit. That's OCD thinking that for some reason has become mainstream on tumblr among non-sufferers and sufferers alike.

Posting on tumblr doesn't matter. I have seen people who convinced themselves it did go down conspiracy rabbit holes very easily. (You know- 'they are trying to silence us because of the importance of our posting!' and then it spirals from there)

People trying to guilt and shame you into doing certain things, such as rejecting your long-term mental health, or tell you that if you feel like shit all the time it's a good thing somehow- stay away from that thinking like its infectious. The most effective activism comes from people who are in an ok place mentally so they can plan and work together, not people who feel like them feeling ok is bad or offensive somehow and are making snap decisions based on this. You feeling bad doesn't help anyone.

[jewishconvertthings]

Do you have any advice on how to cope with antisemitism online? I’m really overwhelmed by the sheer amount of it, it’s just so much worse than I ever imagined. I also feel weird talking to jews by birth about it bc they had to deal with this for their whole lives while I’m first experiencing it as an adult. Still, it’s got to the point where it’s really affecting my mental health

Hi anon,

I'm going strongly encourage you to do a few things:

Take a step back. No one benefits from you stressing yourself out to the point of it affecting your mental health in a significant way. Find someone you trust to keep you up-to-date on anything that actually has a bearing on your immediate safety, and otherwise block it out. Set a specific amount of time within which you are going to avoid looking up news or reading articles or posts about antisemitism. This isn't even my suggestion: I learned this from a rebbetzin who had her husband keep her informed of any immediate safety issues but otherwise intentionally stepped back from secular news and social media entirely for a full year during 2020. She said it was one of the best choices she made, because she was stronger and ready to deal with it when she started tuning in again. You don't necessarily need to take it to that extreme, but taking a step back can really help.

Take comfort in your immediate community, and be intentional about seeking out the company and companionship of other Jews. We have so much strength together, and it helps get you out of your own head. It also really helps to remind yourself of all the people, communities, traditions and culture that you love and are why you're here. Be intentional in finding joy in the Jewish life you are building.

Take solace in the fact that Am Yisrael Chai: the People Israel Live. The Jewish people has survived persecution and unrelenting horrors since practically the beginning, and we're still here. You are part of or joining something eternal and indomitable - a people that many have tried to break or destroy in a multitude of ways, and it has never worked. Never. The persecution is unlikely to end, and yet we will outlast them. We always do.

Think about the best possible outcome: that we will receive peace and justice speedily and in our days, and you will be there to share the simcha. Now consider the worst possible outcome: our persecution will increase to the point where we have to flee for our lives, and many of us don't make it; perhaps you survive alone, or perhaps you don't. Now consider the most likely outcome: things continue much the way they have, with fluctuations that come from the ebb and flow of politics. You stick with our people in our joy and sorrow, in terror and in peace. We survive and our Judaism is passed l'dor v'dor. Now. Even in that worst case scenario, history says that some of us will still make it. Judaism and the Jewish people will continue and rebuild. Your name is forever tied to ours, your fate a collective one that is greater than your individual life or mine. And that is something that will survive.

Remember that you don't have to personally end antisemitism. I know that sounds obvious? But part of the overwhelm that comes from the burden of oppression is feeling like you are individually responsible for solving it. You are not. In the words of Rabbi Tarfon, "Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.”

Anon, I hope this helps. You are not alone. B'ezrat Hashem you find some comfort here and with your community, and may we all merit to see the day when the hard work of generations comes to fruition in peace and justice.

[lifeascaty]

I've been away from tumblr for a few months. In October 2021, my Dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 neuroendocrine pancreatic cancer. I felt like my whole world was falling apart. He already followed me on tumblr, so I filled my feed with things he would like so he had something new and interesting (or a cute cat) to see every day. (I was already posting a lot for him, but now my queue was entirely for him.) It was a small thing, but I wanted to do anything to help make him smile or distract him. As it was a neuroendocrine cancer, there were treatment options, and soon he was back to living life as if nothing was wrong. But I still kept my queue running for him. In November 2023, a scan was misread. They told my Dad his cancer was responding well to treatment, and he wouldn't need any more nuclear medicine for two years. Unfortunately, this mistake meant my Dad passed away on January 26th 2024. There's no question that this is the worst thing to ever happen to me. My Dad is the person I am/was closest to in the whole world. I've never felt pain like this. I don't know what to do with my tumblr now. I've had it for over a decade, but I've been posting for my Dad for so long that it feels wrong to post without him. I know that's silly. I just miss him so much.

I'm going to post the eulogy I wrote for him below the cut. I don't expect anyone to read it, but I want it to exist somewhere online. I'm really proud of it. It has mistakes - repetitions of words etc. - but I also think it's the best thing I've ever written, because it's about my Dad.

As a professional writer, I’ve felt a lot of pressure to write a eulogy that does my Dad justice. The problem is, I don’t think that’s possible. Especially without him here to give me notes. My Dad has always given me his opinion on my writing at whatever stage it was at, bouncing ideas back and forth with me and arguing over intricate punctuation but, on this occasion, he can’t. I hope he’d like this anyway.

I could talk forever about my Dad. There are so many things I want to tell people about him, about his love and excitement for the world and his joy in getting to live each day. To quote Marcus Aurelius, as my Dad often did, “When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive – to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.” This sentiment defined him, really.

My Dad and I have so much in common. We traded books back and forth. He introduced me to his favourite shows and I showed him mine. He showed me his favourite movies from when he was growing up, and we were always first in line to see new releases at the Odeon in Wrexham. I would spend hours hanging out on the couch in his study as he worked and played music, talking me through his love and admiration of various songs and bands, like Led Zeppelin, Genesis, The Jam, The Smiths. We talked a mile a minute over dinner, always excited to share whatever new thing we’d learned that day. We experimented with various recipes and he gave me my love of cooking. We debated politics constantly, always talked about what was in the news, forwarded interesting posts and memes to each other across multiple social media platforms. Even when I lived on another continent we were in contact with each other every day, keeping track of our respective timezones so we could always find time to talk.

My heart aches every time I read a news article about some interesting new archaeological finding or a new discovery in space, because I want to share it with him. There are so many movies we planned to see, upcoming TV shows we wanted to watch, books we were waiting to be released.

I want to talk to him about the new Taylor Swift album and the Grammys she just won. As some of you may know, my Dad was a Swiftie – he was in the top 0.5% of Taylor Swift Spotify listeners last year. He was a fan of her before I was, often falling asleep to her 1989 album on international flights. He bought us tickets to see her Eras Tour together this summer and we were so excited. I can’t describe the pain I felt when last month he told me that I’d have to go and enjoy it without him. Because he should be here to see it with me. He loved stained glass – even taking classes and making his own artwork. He promised to teach me this summer, and now I’ll have to do it without him. But I’ll still do it. Like I’ll still go to the Eras concert – because it’s what he would have wanted, and because it keeps his memory alive.

I recognise how lucky I am that he is my Dad. So many things had to happen to make it so. Various ancestors had to meet and have children. My parents needed to be born, needed to both decide to go to the same university, needed some anonymous admin person to assign them both to the same university halls where they would ultimately meet. All so that one day I would come in to being and he would be my Dad. The chances of that happening, for everything to have gone right, are so infinitesimally small. And yet they happened. How miraculous is that?

I am who I am because of him. As a young man, he reviewed books for The Oxford Times and Interzone, a Sci-Fi and Fantasy magazine. (He was particularly proud to interview Terry Pratchett, his favourite author, and have his quote used on Pratchett’s books for years to come). He fell in love with stories and storytelling, a love that he passed down to me. Without him, I don’t know if I would have become a screenwriter and author. Storytelling is such a huge part of me, and I don’t know who I’d be without it, and without him. 

There are so many big, impressive things that my Dad did and achieved through his lifetime, but the things that make up a life are the smaller moments. My parents dancing around his study to God Only Knows by The Beach Boys. His love of all our cats across the years and his special relationship with each of them. The time we went out into the garden, on a freezing cold night in November, to watch the Leonids – shooting stars – falling brightly through the atmosphere. Picking me up from Gobowen station every time I came back from London or undergrad, no matter how late my train was. His specific way of stacking the dishwasher that only I could emulate. Summer holidays swimming in the pool, eating ice cream together, and marvelling over his tan.

The problem with loving my Dad so much is that it’s incredibly painful now he’s gone. One of his favourite Marvel TV shows, Wandavision, had the line “what is grief, if not love persevering?” There is so much grief because there has always been so much love between us. And I am thankful for that. Thankful for him, and everything he has done to build a beautiful life for our family.

My Dad’s last words were beautiful. Something we often said to each other, from childhood to adulthood, was “I love you more than the moon, and the stars, and the wide, wide world”. I started saying it to him, none of us knowing the end was hurtling so quickly towards us. He smiled as I began to say the familiar words, and as my Mum and brother joined in, so did he, still smiling as he said “and the wide, wide world”. And that was it.

'To reference Marcus Aurelius once more, he talks in Meditations about how just a day–just a minute–of happiness, of perfection, of peace, is enough. The same goes for the people we love. That we ever had my Dad in the first place is a wonderful thing, something to be so grateful for. Whatever comes after, whatever fortune has in store for us in the future? It can’t change that. What happens next matters less because of the wonderfulness of having had my Dad at all.'

He is my best friend. He will always be my best friend. Whatever happened, I knew he would look after me. That he loved me and cared for me and that with him I was safe. He would look after our family, always. And he did. Even now we’re discovering things he did and put in place to make sure we were okay.

I know I need to stop talking, although, as I said at the beginning, I could talk forever about my Dad. I will finish with a quote from Terry Pratchett: “No one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away.” Hopefully my Dad will live forever.