#also loved seeing how different their younger selves were

[explodingquails]

Still thinking about the winged twins

[fatuismooches]

puer et monstrum.

synopsis: You attempt to help the adult raven reconcile with his younger fledgling self. In other words, four times Dottore ignored his child segment, the first time he didn’t, and the last time he did.

includes: dottore + platonic! zandy w/ gn! reader

notes: You grow to greatly love Zandy, Dottore's child segment, but you can't help but notice how your husband pays no attention to him. Therefore, you will try your best to change this. Fragile reader, lots of fluff, angst, very cute, you know the drill. Part of this fic is also greatly inspired by this ask (thank you to this anon!)

I. creation

At this point, Il Dottore had a good amount of experience creating segments.

Sure, the number of times he had failed was far greater than he liked, and he could count the number of successful segments with his fingers, but he had the general gist of the process and all. So, he decided it was time for him to create another segment of himself. This brought about the obvious question of what phase of his life he should bring back into this world. Dottore pondered this question for a while. He already made them all based on important parts of his life - when he was in the Akademiya, when he first became a Harbinger, and now one based on his current self not too long ago, just to name a few. He desired something new, something that could be vastly different.

In the end, he decided to create a child segment. 

His other segments were not very happy with the decision. A child would cry. A child would whine. A child could not do the tasks they could. A child would do… child things. It was a nuisance. But Dottore dismissed their complaints.

What good would a child’s perspective bring him? He didn’t know, but that was exactly the point. He didn’t know, which was why he sought the answer. And the only way to find this out was to create the child just as he’d done with his other younger selves.

After much time, money, and energy were exhausted, it was done. The child opened his eyes for the first time and saw a tall figure amidst the blinding lights. Once the masked man noticed his awakening, he looked at him, as if waiting for him to fully gain consciousness, and then spoke before the child could say anything.

“I am Dottore. You are a segment of mine that I created. You shall be called Ten.” After that brief statement, the man seemed to have finished all that he was going to say. That was when the child noticed the crowd of similar-looking blue-haired men as well, discussing things that he could not wrap his head around yet.

The child, now called “10”, had so many questions. Where was he? What does he do now? Why was he called a number? He doesn’t remember being called that before. Was he not Zandik anymore? The child wasn’t sure whether or not being ‘Zandik’ anymore was a good or bad thing. Maybe if he wasn’t ‘Zandik’ anymore, people wouldn’t scorn him so much.

Who are all these people, and why do they seem a bit similar to him? Being but a little kid, naturally, he was lost and confused, and he could not help but grasp the leg of the man called Dottore timidly. Immediately, the Harbinger stiffened at the contact, eyes swiftly moving to meet 10’s. The only person who ever touched him unprompted was you, but he had not felt your touch in centuries, so the sudden touch of the child surprised him. 

Though 10 could not see the taller man’s eyes, he didn’t think they were very kind. The child didn’t think the other man’s eyes were like his parents, or like the people from the village, no, but there was a certain feeling expressed toward him that 10 couldn’t explain. Regardless, 10 quickly received the message, and his hand slipped away from his creator’s.

“Tend to him,” was the lone order Prime gave the other segments before he left, leaving the little one all by himself, despite being surrounded by others.

II. curiosity

Being segments of the Harbinger meant they were busy people. Being the Harbinger himself meant that his time was even more sparse. This meant that any attention dedicated to 10 was few and far between, and pretty much always not of their own free will. One would think a child would be quite disheartened by the lack of attention, and well, they would be right, but 10 had long grown accustomed to being by himself ages ago considering his childhood. Did he like it? No, not yet at least. By the behavior of the other segments, he eventually grew to prefer being by himself. 

But 10 was still a child, curious about the world, which meant that he still did seek out the older segments’ company from time to time. Well, most of the time he was shooed away, but on rare occasions, 10 was able to be the recipient of some ranting by the younger segments or perhaps the observer of their intricate work (that was deemed acceptable to be viewed by children.) However, something 10 was able to learn was that there was one person whom the segments and Prime always seemed to offer their attention, willingly too.

[Name].

The kid seemed to be the only segment who didn’t really know you. 10 didn’t pay much attention to his older selves’ “patients”, but being an attentive and curious boy, he realized with due time that your name always seemed to be murmured by them. Not with the detached or annoyed tone the segments took on when regarding others, but it was different. Again, the young one had trouble putting his finger on it exactly, but if he had to put it into words, 10 would say they sounded a lot sweeter. It was an odd thing to say because if anyone else heard it, they certainly would not label the tone as sweet. It would probably sound simply normal to others. But that was truly what the child thought, maybe because he was connected to them in a way.

So of course, 10’s interest was very piqued. Oddly enough, for how nice they sounded, the child never saw a glimpse of you around the lab. 10 wondered what kind of person you were. How did you even know them? Would you talk about them in a sweet tone too? If you met him… would you speak about him that way as well? He wondered what it took for the older men to like you so much, maybe even… love? The child doesn’t know what love exactly looks like, but if love was anything like the stories he’s read, how the segments talk about you could be said to be a bit similar. 

But if 10 were to compare the two some more, maybe they aren’t that alike after all, considering all the things that were different. If segments loved you, wouldn’t you constantly be by their side, as lovers in fairytales do? If you two were apart, wouldn’t his creator be anguished by the loss of your presence, just like in the books? Yet whenever he saw the original, his expression seemed to always be the same - calculating, tired, seemingly more absorbed in his research than worried for another. (For the child does not understand how well Prime wears more masks than one.) 

So needless to say, 10 was confused. And with confusion comes curiosity, the need to seek out the answer, common for any child but especially for one as inquisitive as the blue-haired boy. In his room, 10 pondered for a while on what to do - he could try to sneak around for answers, but he imagined he’d get caught and scolded by the segments long before he found anything out. So, the child decided to simply ask about the matter. After all, the others always say asking questions is an important part of an experiment.

It’s still a gamble though, the child is well aware of the less than hospitable energy toward him by the others. They have a general… lack of patience for him. But still, persistence and the pursuit of knowledge are traits embodied in every version of Dottore. And so the child gathered up all his courage and set his little plan into action.

It was like any other day 10 had witnessed in the far too familiar lab. He had made sure to wake up in the very early morning - it was the best opportunity to catch a few segments together before they split up to do their separate tasks. Well, hopefully, they were there, some of them tended to stay locked up in their respective labs until they figured out the answer to what they were seeking. The child surprisingly had little sleepiness remaining in his system, the anticipation of the answer he would receive keeping him awake.

For once, it looked as though the segments were not bickering. It wasn’t quiet either though, they seemed to be discussing something work-related. But that was beside the point. Upon entering the room, the segments were a bit surprised to see 10, for it was obviously out of the ordinary for the kid to be awake, much less roaming around at this hour.

“What are you doing awake?” The Akademiya segment, 01, didn’t bother to hide his tone, unwilling to be vexed further with all the work he had left to do. But the child had come here with a determination that wouldn’t be swayed.

“I have a question,” 10 stated. The next segment who spoke didn’t spare a glance at him.

“And it could not wait until morning? You felt the need to interrupt us now?” 04’s response was blunt and straight to the point as usual - he was a segment that was perpetually annoyed. 10 couldn’t remember a time when he’d ever seen a smile on this segment. And yet 04 seemed kinder to him than when he interacted with others. 

Meanwhile, 02 watched with an unreadable expression behind his spotted mask. It was hard to predict what response you would get from 02 - would he be annoyed and snappy or perhaps treat you with a dose of excitement and interest? This time, however, it was the latter, as a grin crept its way onto his face.

“No, I want to hear this question. Surely, it must be greatly important for you to go to such lengths, yes?” 02’s red eyes gleamed, intrigued by the child segment’s nod. 10 nervously swallowed before squaring his shoulders resolutely.

“Who is [Name]?” 

And then all the miscellaneous noises in the lab came to an abrupt halt. 24, who usually remained uninterested in the conversations of his other segments, had suddenly tuned into the discussion at the mention of your name. The other present segments, who were absorbed in their work mere moments ago, now had their undivided attention on the child. 

“No one,” 04 said flatly, but the damage was already done. It was obvious that was a lie, and the child’s eyes glittered with enthusiasm as he began bouncing around to each segment.

“Who are they? What are they like? You like them, don’t you?” At the last question, 01 scowled at the declaration, hoping no one would notice the slight color of red at the tips of his ears. 02’s previous demeanor had changed into a blank yet thoughtful one, while 04 looked exasperated at the whole situation.

“How do you know about [Name]?” 24 was the one who finally responded to the child, and 10 awkwardly halted his barrage of questions. If 10 was being honest, 24 was probably the scariest of all the segments. The one closest to Prime and the most selfish.

“Well, all of you have mentioned them at least once… and when you do say their name, it just sounds like you like them. A lot,” 10 stared at the ground as he shared his observation. “You don’t sound like that for anyone else.” The segments were silent once more. The question was, were they that obvious, or was the brat just really attentive? The answer was most likely the latter, but still. This wasn’t a good look for them.

“I suppose this was bound to happen sooner or later,” 01 had recovered from his embarrassment, “Considering how much Two prattles on about them.” 02 frowned at the sudden accusation.

“Excuse me? That is rich coming from you,” the clone quickly snapped back, for the other was no exception to carrying on about you. 24 just grimaced at the start of another bickering session between his other selves.

“A-Anyway!” 10 interrupted the others before he could be ignored. “Can I know who they are? Can I see them?” The child pleaded earnestly as another pause swept through the room.

“You will not stop begging until we say yes, won’t you?” 04 sighed. “However, that decision is up to Prime.” 10’s shoulders drooped. He wasn’t really sure if Prime would listen to him, considering how rarely they ever spoke.

However, miraculously enough, a few days later, his wish was granted. He doesn’t know why Prime decided to do it, but 10 was just happy he’d finally know about the mysterious person! Funnily enough, the news had spread to all the segments, and all of them had decided to gather in the same space to tell their own opinion about you. 10 had never seen them… congregate like this. They seemed to enjoy the common topic - you - but the squabbling about certain matters (again, you) still took place. The child learned more things about you than he even understood. 

But he knew the basics now - you were their lover, meaning you loved them and they loved you, which even though it was not explicitly said, the child knew it anyway. This was obviously something a bit difficult for 10 to wrap his head around, but he found the idea thrilling. He knew his older selves well enough to know that you must be a pretty amazing person to have them so interested. 

Unfortunately, the child couldn’t prove this hypothesis of his, as he later found out the reason why you were nowhere to be seen. 10 remembers the first time he saw you, accompanied by another segment (18, this time.) Hooked up to a machine with countless wires, hands laying limp by your side, along with your chest that unnoticeably rose and fell. You were nothing like what 10 thought you’d look like. And yet he too thought you were beautiful. Sure, the child couldn’t see your eyes or smile or hear your voice, but as he held your hand and compared it to his much smaller one, he just had a feeling you were nothing like the grown-ups that he once knew long ago. But 10 was disappointed.

“Is [Name] going to be okay?” 10 worriedly looked at the segment, wondering about your current state. The others hadn’t disclosed many details about your illness.

“They will,” 18 affirmed. At least this segment was nicer to him than the others, with his softer tone and gentler mannerisms. He was still a Dottore segment, however. “One day they will wake up.” With that as his only answer, 10 went back to tracing the lines on the palm of your cold hand, hoping you would open your eyes again soon just like the other blue-haired men.

Since then, 10 found himself visiting your silent room, save for the beep-beeps from your machines, more and more often. There was just something about this unmoving, sleeping grown-up that drew him in. 10 had so many questions to ask you… but for now, he settled for reading his stories aloud to you. Maybe you could hear them too. Occasionally, some other segments dropped in to check on you, but they didn’t pay much mind to him other than reminding him not to touch anything, as his presence near you had become commonplace.

However, on one particular day, 10 found that your room was already occupied by someone else. 10 had heard a familiar yet muffled voice coming from inside, yet he could not make out the exact words from outside in the hallway. Carefully padding closer to the room, the child strained his ears to make out the words. It sounded like the person was talking to another, like a conversation, only that it seemed one-sided since 10 could only distinguish one voice. Finally, he got the courage to gently push the door open a bit more and peek to see who it was inside.

It wasn’t merely a segment there to check on you, no, this time it was Prime Dottore himself, sitting near your side in the same chair that the child always sat in. The child was surprised - he rarely ever saw Prime outside of his lab or office, and when he did, it was usually when Prime was forced to attend to certain Fatui duties. Of course, he never paid much attention to his child segment. Unfortunately, 10 had stared a bit too much, as the original quickly noticed his presence and immediately got up from the seat. 10 jumped a bit too, instinctively pulling back and hiding against the wall. But it was too late.

“Come in.” 10 had no option other than to comply, as he shyly stepped into your room, still clinging to the wall. The child nervously swallowed as he scrambled for an excuse as to why he was intruding.

“Um… I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were in here,” 10 apologized meekly, hands behind his back as his eyes flicked from Dottore’s face to the floor. The older man’s expression was unreadable, and it was silent for a good few moments before he spoke.

“I see,” was all Dottore said before he started walking toward 10, or rather, the door. The child looked up at the figure that had now gone past him, words leaving his mouth before he could think.

“Were you talking to [Name]? Do you miss them too?” Now that 10 thought about it, he had heard all about what the other segments had to say about you, but he still didn’t know the original’s feelings. Still, the child was surprised at himself for being able to ask Prime that. At the question, Dottore stopped in his tracks, seemingly contemplating whether he should respond or dismiss him before he turned around and faced his child segment, who then stiffened at the direct look.

“I hear that you’re with them quite often.” 10’s eyes widened at the response and nodded, although it wasn’t really an answer to his questions. “[Name] enjoys your company.” This only served to confuse the child even more, as he then glanced at your body. (For only Dottore knows about the time he found you asleep with a smile after the little boy left your room.)

“They… do? How do you know?” But when 10 looked back, Dottore was already gone. Well, he knew not to expect much conversation from him anyway, but still, he was greatly curious at his words. Regardless, 10 then walked up to you and made himself comfy near your bedside.

“Why do you like him so much, [Name]?” 10 inquired, playing with your fingers as he rested his cheek on your body. But of course, he received no answer from the person he was closest with yet farthest away from in this lab.

Even at the end of all of this, 10 still wasn’t exactly sure of what to think of you, having not had a real conversation with you yet, but he thought you seemed really cool, even while hooked up to a machine.

III. close

Change was not something 10 was familiar with. He was stuck as a kid forever, he was stuck in the lab, unable to leave like the other segments, he was stuck with the same toys and stories and other various pastimes that had long grown boring. So, the excitement of the unpredictable was something sorely lacking in the child’s life. Not to mention, the lab was a pretty dark place, both figuratively and literally. Although the boy was used to it, he wished it would be a bit more lively.

And after countless years of wishing, his wish finally came true. You, the mysterious sleeping grown-up that he only heard stories about, [Name], had finally woken up from centuries-long slumber. 10 was, to put it in a child’s simple words, “super happy”, but anyone else could see that his feelings went beyond that. However, despite 10’s great desire to meet you, he had decided to wait a bit, just to observe you.

The child followed you around, looking at you from afar, always slipping away before you could notice his presence. Seeing you up and walking around was so different from the once unmoving body he was so accustomed to. He listened to your voice. He watched you relearn so many things. He saw how sweetly you interacted with the other segments, and how keen they were for your touch, how they would tend to you on your weaker days. The child had never seen anything like it. 10 would have never believed the amount of change one mere person could bring. Meanwhile, the segments remained indifferent to the boy.

The more 10 watched you, the more he finally wanted to bask in your attention too. But the boy was scared. He remembered all the other adults in his life, from the village, and how they all looked and treated him with contempt. Could you be like that too? He wanted to think the answer was no, from how kind you seemed, but all the adults were so nice to the others except for him.

But maybe, maybe this time, it could be different. Everyone else approved of you after all. 10 wanted to trust you.

For once, his trust was not betrayed. After 10 finally introduced himself to you, you had given him so much attention it made his head spin. Your gentle and loving yet not overbearing demeanor. The way you listened to him seriously and reciprocated the energy, taking part in his childish activities. He was enthralled, to say the least.

You, on the other hand, were initially mystified by the appearance of the child. Not just any child, Dottore’s child self. Just to let that sink in, you had to keep repeating it to yourself. 10 was Dottore’s child self. He was him as a kid. What you were looking at was the embodiment of Zandik as a little boy. You couldn’t really believe your eyes at first. But he was real. Very real, from his higher-pitched voice (that was a really sharp contrast to Omega, for example) to his childlike demeanor and innocence.

The whole deal with the segments already took a bit for you to get accustomed to, but this was sort of new territory for you. After all, even though you’d known Dottore for so long, his childhood was something that came up rather infrequently. You chose not to pry further when you learned of how poorly he was treated as a child and instead offered him comfort in other ways. It had always made your heart ache and you wished you could do something more about it, to soothe his pain even just a bit. But now you quite literally had him in front of you, in a way. Quickly, your mind began working and formulating something.

Maybe… maybe you could help him by helping 10.

Sure, it sounded a bit stupid and probably useless at first, but there was no harm in trying. If anything else, you would be making 10 smile. From what you could infer, his life within this lab was far too dour for your liking.

Regardless, all those hours flew by in the blink of an eye, so much so that it felt like a dream. Was it, 10 wondered. But then the next day he found you eagerly waiting for him so you could spend more time with him. And the next. And the following day. And next week. Next month. And by then, he and the other were no longer merely numbers, but rather, they had names bestowed upon them, to truly identify them as individuals. 

And so, 10 had become Zandy. The difference between his past and present self was just as stark as the name change. It wasn’t just him, either. The other segments seemed different too with you around, in a good way. In all honesty, the young boy thought you were magical because he thought this kind of reality would only be possible in fairy tales. Needless to say, Zandy admired you greatly and sought you out quite frequently. 

He was happy to have you help him with his various assignments - to which your eyes nearly popped out when you saw the length and difficulty of some of the questions. You did help him, despite your shaky hands, but most of the time you stole him away to do much more fun things, that were “more important” according to you. The segments kept their thoughts to themselves unless they wanted to hear you gently scold them. It was amazing, Zandy thought.

The conversation of love had happened one day when you were putting him to bed after a long day. It had become a sort of routine for the two of you. You liked it because why wouldn’t you, it was the cutest thing ever. Zandy liked it because of how nice you were even when he really didn’t want to sleep yet, always indulging him with a story or a warm glass of milk. The segments liked it because they didn’t need to deal with him. 

“[Name], you love the segments, right?” Zandy had noticed that the word ‘love’ came out of your mouth rather frequently, compared to the other blue-haired men. You blinked at the question.

“Yes, I do. Why?” You asked as you tucked him in for the night alongside his Ruin Guard plushies (that you extorted the segments for.)

“All of them?”

“Of course.”

“Omega and Beta and Alpha and Delta and Zeta and-” His words were stopped by your laughter.

“Yes, dear. And Theta and Psi and Epsilon and- you don’t need me to list out all of their names, right?” Zandy shook his head but he still had another question for you.

“How much love do you have in you, [Name]?” The child couldn’t help but wonder how you did it - loving that many people seemed like a lot of work. You chuckled at the question.

“Very, very, much. You cannot put a quantity to love. It just happens when I’m surrounded by so many lovely people,” you kissed the boy on his forehead. “And that goes for you too. I love you very much, Zandy.” The child’s eyes widened as he fell silent, to which you questioned.

“Zandy? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he mumbled, his words further muffled by how he had now pulled the blanket over his head. You quickly connected the dots. He had probably never been told before that he was loved. You moved your hand under the blankets until you could feel one of his tiny hands, and then intertwined your fingers with the child’s.

“Hey, no need to lie to me, dear. You don’t have to hide around me,” you tried to gently soothe Zandy and coax him out when he spoke again.

“How do you know?”

“How do I know what?”

“That you love me.” His head popped back out of the blanket as he stared at you with big, uncertain eyes, but you only smiled in response.

“Well… for me, it’s simple. It brings me great joy to see you happy and smiling, and I want to make sure you continue to do so. I want to protect you, and I don’t ever want to see you hurt or sad. I want to make sure all of your wishes and dreams come true, and I want to keep you safe.” You said as you stroked Zandy’s hair. (You would have said that you loved him just as any parent would love their son, but you knew that with his experiences… it may not have been the most efficient.) Zandy’s lowered his eyes as he began to chew on his lip in thought.

“I don’t know if I’ve ever loved anyone before, [Name].” Zandy thought back to his parents, people whom he thought he loved, but now that he had you around, he realized that his feelings for them were nothing compared to what you made him feel. Loved. 

“That’s quite alright. Love is a beautiful thing, but it isn’t easy. What matters is that one tries.” That was a lesson all the segments could use. It was a bit confusing for Zandy, but somehow, he felt he understood.

“I see…” The sleepiness had finally fully hit Zandy as his eyes began to droop.

“Now, go to sleep. You don’t want to wake up tired tomorrow.” The child nodded and snuggled more under the cover. “Sweet dreams, dear.” You squeezed his hand before kissing his forehead one last time, and then getting up to turn off the light. As the room turned dark, you heard a small voice from behind you.

“I… love you, [Name].” It was quiet enough that if you weren’t paying attention, you might not have heard it, but you found his shyness endearing.

“I love you too, my child.” You smiled before exiting Zandy’s room, leaving him to have wonderful dreams, and then you were slightly startled by the man waiting outside for you. Dottore, rather, Prime Dottore himself. Zandik.

“Dottore. You’re here. I’ve missed you!” Your surprise quickly morphed into happiness as you saw the person you loved. He looked pleased to see you as well, as you linked your arm around his. “I hope I didn’t keep you too long. I was putting Zandy to bed.”

“I am aware. You do so every day.” You giggled, a little bit embarrassed.

“Well, someone needs to. You know, you should join us! We could always use another playmate.”

“I believe you are far more suited to the task than I am. Moreover, how have you been feeling as of late? It seems you have more energy than usual.” The way he quickly changed the conversation didn’t go unnoticed by you. You had told yourself that you wanted to help Dottore by helping Zandy, but it seemed to you that he rarely ever interacted, or even wanted to interact with the child. Dottore didn’t talk to his segments much in general, but he still had to for experiments and general Fatui business. Zandy, however, was the exception. It did hurt your heart to see it happen.

Back in your room, you had some thinking to do.

Now that you thought about it, you should have seen this coming. It made a lot of sense for Dottore to behave like this. You knew his feelings toward his childhood, towards himself in fact. But was it right? Was it fair? Of course not, at least in your opinion. However, you didn’t know what Zandy thought about this. You had yet to see the two together, and you had never asked him about Prime either. 

You wondered what your lover thought when he heard of you and Zandy together, you hugging and showering him in affection. Did he like it? Was he annoyed? Or did he not care, maybe something else? You always prided yourself on being able to comprehend him but…

This wasn’t going to be easy.

But you would see it to the end.

IV. complex

You often enjoyed taking walks around the lab. It was a good pastime and a way to keep your body active, not to mention the times you’d bump into a segment and end up taking a little break with him. Although you enjoyed the time by yourself, it could be a bit too lonely sometimes, which was precisely why Zandy came along. 

You had found out that he knew every nook and cranny of this place like the back of his hand, having explored it for countless years as he had nothing better to do. Therefore, Zandy often showed you around the lab, more specifically, the unknown and harder-to-reach parts, also known as his favorite hiding spots. You were quite grateful for his assistance, as you were sure you’d never discover some of these places on your own. 

Zandy was a bundle of energy that you could handle, well, most of the time at least. Were it not for your illness, you would have matched it easily. You felt a bit bad about not being able to keep up with him, but the child never minded. Although he tended to run in the halls and drag you around, he always paid attention to whether you seemed to need a break. A real sweetheart, indeed. 

Today was one such day.

You and Zandy had already been in this area before, but it was so big you couldn’t complete it all in one day. The kid was eager to continue exploring with you, scampering in front of you and then jumping in place for you to catch up. You believed he was especially excited because, on one of these journeys, you two had discovered some sort of creature… or rather creatures lurking around. 

The corridors always had some darkness to them, so you had not noticed the black puff balls hiding until one of them popped open its singular red eye at you. You would have yelped if you weren’t in awe of the cuteness of the silly creature. Similarly, once Zandy followed your line of sight, stars appeared in his eyes as more black puff balls came out of nowhere, and began scurrying toward you. The singular blue strand of hair reminded you of someone. Your best guess was that it was one of Dottore’s failed experiments.

Before you could advise the child to be cautious of these pufflings, Zandy had scooped one up already and was petting it. At least they seemed to be friendly - they had even gifted you a couple of shiny things, tiny pieces of minerals. And you swore you caught sight of a fluffy blue thing with a tail peering from afar too that seemed to be too shy to approach. Perhaps Dottore would let you keep them as a pet if you asked?

You giggled to yourself as you finished reminiscing about that. You did hope you ran into those things again. Meanwhile, Zandy had already gone ahead, turning into another hall.

“Now Zandy, don’t run too fast before you trip and fall!” You called after him, increasing the pace of your steps to chase after him.

“Come on, all the Mr. Fluffies are wait-” Zandy’s joyful voice abruptly stopped. You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion before pushing yourself to jog a little faster. And that’s when you saw the reason why he had stopped - Dottore was standing over the little boy, the height difference so palpable that they both had to crane their neck to view the other. It seemed that Zandy bumped into him, but you were happy to see your two favorite people together. Perhaps this was a good chance to put another plan into action!

“Hello, Dottore. I’m glad to see you out of your office so much,” you greeted your lover with a pleasant smile. The man had no expression, while the boy hid his relief when he saw you. You tried not to bite your lip.

“I did not expect to see you here.”

“You know I like to take my daily walks, so Zandy here was just showing me some more places to go. But it looks like your secret spots aren’t so secret anymore, are they Zandy?” You chuckled light-heartedly, but when you looked down, you saw that the child was fidgeting with his fingers awkwardly, clinging onto your cling.

“Mhm.” Your smile fell.

“I see.” The two did not make eye contact, the tension suffocating. You cleared your throat.

“W-We could use another person to-”

“Unfortunately, I am preoccupied at the moment,” the Harbinger quickly dismissed your request. “However, do remember not to push yourself. Your body is still weak.”

“... Of course.”

“Good.” With a nod to you and without further eye contact to Zandy, he walked away. You held back a sigh before you ruffled the kid’s hair.

“Shall we continue?” Your smile didn’t reach all the way to your eyes, but you hoped Zandy wouldn’t realize. But before you could move, he spoke.

“Why do you like him so much, [Name]?” The child repeated the question he remembered asking you while you were still asleep. This time, however, he would finally get an answer. You crouched down to Zandy’s level, placing your hands on his shoulders as you pondered what to say. 

“I love Dottore because… he makes me feel loved too. For centuries, he’s treated me better than anyone else. His kindness may not be typical, but I still receive it happily. His sweetness is bitter, but the taste is pleasurable. His love isn’t ordinary, but it soothes me either way.”

“That makes sense.” Zandy knew that wasn’t a lie. He had seen how his creator treated you. “Then Prime must feel the opposite toward me.”

“That’s not true.” You frowned as you immediately shot down the thought, stroking Zandy’s cheek gently. “Dottore just-” Before you could finish, Zandy looked up at you with a wide, forced smile as he broke free from your hold.

“It’s okay, [Name]. It doesn’t bother me. Now let’s go, I want to find those puffy things again!” And then the child was off, and you were left with an aching heart.

That same night, you paid Dottore a visit, unwilling to be a bystander in this anymore. At least he was doing paperwork this time. It was easier to gain his attention than when he was doing an experiment.

“Dottore.”

“Hello, [Name].” The scholar didn’t look up from his work, as he was already used to you popping in and hanging around for a bit.

“Are you busy?”

“I-”

“Good. We need to talk.” Dottore paused and looked up at you for a moment, who had now stood in front of him, your hands balled on his desk. He took in the dissatisfied look and thin line in replace of your usual smile, before responding.

“About?”

“Why do you ignore Zandy so much?” You said plainly, not in the mood to beat around the bush. From the way his pen stopped, you think he knew this was coming eventually.

“I simply do not have time to entertain the whims of a child.”

“It has nothing to do with that! I-, this is just basic decency. It feels to me that your lack of consideration is on purpose. It is, isn’t it?” Dottore was silent, not even moving his pen.

“Answer me, Zandik.”

“He has you. It is enough.”

“It is not enough. Zandy is a child. He is hurt by you. You are hurting yourself, Zandik. Do you expect me to be okay with this?” Dottore’s pen had started moving again. Your palms hurt from your fingers digging into them so harshly. In a last-ditch effort, you attempted to speak to him using those terms he liked so much.

“Did you not create him to understand his perspective of everything? So, how do you plan to do that if you do not try to speak to him?” It seemed you were not going to let this go.

“I created my segments to observe their perspectives. To preserve it,” Dottore clarified. 

“Observe?” You laughed at that. “Pray tell, how will you do that if you don’t even try to be around the child for more than five seconds? And besides, merely observing never brings you the most satisfying results. I thought you of all people would understand that,” you quipped back. 

“Please, at least… at least tell me you’re going to try. Just try, even if it doesn’t work out,” you pleaded with your love. Unfortunately, your words could not reach him.

“It is late. You should go to sleep.” You gritted your teeth at his response.

“Fine. Then I will simply treat you the same way as you do with Zandy.” As he opened his mouth to defy your declaration, you quickly spoke again. “If you think I won’t do it, then you forgot the person I was in the Akademiya, and who I still am now. I do this because I love every single version of you, Zandik, more than anything else in this world. If you want to test my love, then by all means go ahead, but I doubt you’ll find even one possibility where you’ll be able to. Good night.” Your tone was hard and biting as you left without letting him get in another word.

Dottore could only watch as you stormed out, leaning back in his chair to rub his forehead as his mask clattered to the ground. Il Dottore was used to getting his way. Zandik, however, not so much, especially when you were in the picture. This perspective of yours was always… always something he struggled to understand.

Of course, the Harbinger learned very quickly that you would make good on your word. Instead of his name being called, he had to deal with his segments being asked for instead.

“Omega, please administer the medicine for me today.”

“Delta, could you come over here? I feel a bit unsteady on my feet.”

“Sigma, would you visit me before bed? I would like someone to chat with.”

“Beta, let’s go to your lab. I’m bored!”

You walked past him without a glance. You did not ask him anything. You did not refer to him. He was practically invisible to you. You knew that you were technically being more harsh to him than he was to Zandy, but you weren’t going to stop. You also hoped that helping Dottore to be kind to Zandy would eventually spread to the other segments too. The segments were initially baffled by the turn of events but quickly adjusted to it, although the look Prime gave them certainly wasn’t something they wanted to endure. It didn’t need to be said that Prime was awfully upset, despite his unbothered expression.

In the past, every time you had pulled a stunt or something after an argument, Dottore would find it amusing. He had a bad habit of being unyielding and refusing to admit he was in the wrong, and that was coupled with his idea that you were just being childish. But every time, you stuck it out until the end and refused to back down too. Eventually, he stopped finding it funny.

The stalemate went on for a while. Dottore’s bed had remained cold for far too long, no longer having the pleasant surprise of finding you on it sometimes. His office was silent, your visits becoming nonexistent. Despite how he chided you sometimes for bothering him, his mind had become preoccupied with thoughts of you and what you were doing. It wasn’t good for someone who had so much work to do, and for someone who hated giving in. This simply wouldn’t do.

At the very least, he could at least still follow you around to see your sweet smile and laughter. You just didn’t know. However, it seemed every time he longed for you, you also happened to be with the kid. For a long time, every time he saw you be so sweet to the child, it felt like seeing an impossibility become a possibility, and yet he tried his best to ignore it. He knew how fond you were of his child segment, well, Zandy as you’ve come to call him, and he… he just didn’t…know how to feel.

Yet now he felt himself somehow drawn to the scene, in a strange way. Was it because he liked seeing you happy, and the child seemed to bring out your brightest smiles? Was it because seeing his child segment like this wasn’t something he’d ever witnessed before? Was it because he himself had never been treated so kindly as a child, and yet now he was watching it happen in front of him? Was it because his deepest wishes that he buried with his childhood self were now becoming reality? Dottore ignored the answers to his own questions, attempting to finish a report that was long overdue for Pantalone, but his mind continued to wander about what he had witnessed.

Dottore remembers when he overheard you and Zandy having dinner.

You and Zandy were sitting across from each other eating. Well, it was more like you trying to convince the child to eat at least a few of his vegetables.

“Zandy, at least eat a few. You don’t need to finish it all,” you gently urged the child. “How else are you going to become big and strong?” 

“But they’re yucky,” he pouted. You chuckled.

“Perhaps I need to experiment more… I will find a way to prepare it in a way you like, my child. But for now, if you eat a bit more, I’ll… give you my dessert!” Zandy perked up at your words while stabbing the dreaded green thing with his fork.

“Deal!” He exclaimed while forcing the vegetable into his mouth (eating with his ‘family’ for once.)

Dottore remembers when he overheard you and Zandy playing a game.

You had recently purchased a game from abroad to pass the time. It had four surfaces and numerous columns that you needed to place small, medium, or large gears on. The objective was to place the right gears at the right locations in order to get them all going. Although you originally bought it for yourself, Zandy was quite excited by the idea, and you were never going to turn down an opportunity to challenge his brain. Within reason, of course.

In the end, you were content with simply watching the child play with the gears and figure out the answer by himself, or with small hints from you.

“Would you look at that! You’ve already finished all of the levels, and we’ve only started today… I didn’t even need to be here since you’ve got such a smart brain up there,” you teased, tapping Zandy’s forehead playfully. He blushed slightly.

“That’s not true. Your advice was really helpful, [Name]!”

“Perhaps, but your own thoughts were already more than enough. I would like to hear them more often.” The child glowed at the idea of you listening to him (instead of shunning him.)

“Okay!”

Dottore remembers when he overheard you reading Zandy a book.

You had a tendency to invite Zandy over to your room often, considering how much Zandy liked it. He marveled at the size and all your decorations, and the collections of your interests (how you had gotten Dottore to fund this was beyond the child’s imagination.) Not to mention, how soft and fluffy your numerous pillows were. Tonight, you were reading him a story, the child lying back against your chest as you held the storybook in front of you two. 

“Alright, I think that’s enough for tonight,” you said as you stifled a yawn, and you also noticed Zandy was doing the same. “We can continue tomorrow.”

“Okay…” Zandy mumbled tiredly enough not to put up a fight. You put the book to the side and turned off the lights (with a remote, courteously created by Dottore for the days you couldn’t get out of bed.) Pulling up the blankets, you were about to wish the boy good night when he spoke.

“[Name]?”

“Yes?”

“I always have lots of fun when I’m with you but… do I bother you too much? I know you’re probably busy and you also have your illness and-”

“Zandy. I love spending time with you. And even if I am busy, I will always make time for you, no matter what,” you promised the boy (unlike that man and woman who left him forever alone.)

“Oh…”

“See? So don’t ever feel bad about it,” you reassured Zandy, which left him with only the sweetest of dreams to dream.

Dottore remembers when he overheard you gently lecturing Zandy.

Children are pure-hearted and innocent, and even Dottore was once a child. It wasn’t hard to see that Zandy and his other older selves were starkly different. The former was kind and sweet, and the latter… well, you didn’t need to say it out loud. But the main point was that you didn’t need to worry too much about Zandy hiding stuff from you. Once you broke down his walls, he was a very open and honest child. Ninety-nine percent of the time, you’d say. But of course, children were children.

You had left the child in the kitchen while you went to retrieve a new cookbook the Eleventh Harbinger had gifted you, wanting to try out some new dishes especially since Zandy was interested. When you got back, however, you noticed that his face seemed a bit flushed and nervous, and his hands were in his pockets.

“Zandy? Everything alright?”

“Um, yeah!” His voice sounded a bit odd, and you squinted at him while he avoided eye contact. You’ve dealt with Dottore who was a smooth, easy talker that could spin lies like nothing. Zandy, on the other hand, was too easy to see through.

“Are you sure?” The boy nodded in response, probably so his voice wouldn’t betray him again. “Show me your hands.” But he only had a child’s level of lying, from the way his eyes gave it away.

“But-”

“Now.” Zandy very reluctantly showed you his hand, and you then saw one of his fingers was dripping blood. Your heart sank.

“You’re bleeding? I- What happened?!” You rushed him over to the sink and began washing it, while your other hand rummaged through the cabinets for some cotton or bandages.

“I wanted to be h-helpful and get the stuff out for you. But I dropped a plate and it broke and I tried to clean it up and I cut myself,” Zandy mumbled, clearly not wanting to admit his mistake. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” You were already used to seeing your own blood drawn, but Zandy was a different story. Seeing your child hurt had made you dizzy and uneasy, even if it was just a cut.

“... I thought you would be mad.” Zandy’s voice was but a whisper, and your eyes softened.

“And why would I be mad at you?”

“B-Because I broke something…” You sighed as you placed the bandage around his tiny finger.

“But it was just an accident, right? Accidents happen, and furthermore, we have dozens of plates. I would never be mad at something as simple as that. And I care far more for your well-being rather than a mere plate. So next time, please don’t lie to me. Okay, Zandy?” You said gently but firmly, as you finished treating his finger (a far cry from what his punishment used to be, living in that house.)

“Okay, [Name]...” The boy hugged you afterward, blinking back his tears on your shirt so you wouldn’t see them.

Dottore remembers when he overheard you talking to Zandy about him.

The stand-off between you and Dottore had gone on long enough for even Zandy to realize, even though you tried to keep him out of the loop. You should have guessed that the child was going to ask you eventually.

“[Name], are you and Prime fighting?” The question came out of nowhere, surprising you but you hoped it didn’t show.

“We are just having a… disagreement, dear. Nothing to worry about. And no, it isn’t about you or anyone else. It is just a personal thing between us,” you added before Zandy could inquire. You hoped he didn’t feel guilty.

“Do you miss him?

“Of course.”

“Then why fig- disagree so much?”

“Zandy, some things in life can only be resolved with disagreements. You’re not going to see eye to eye with everyone, even those you love. But they’re necessary so that you can move on and grow stronger together,” you explained. “Neither of us enjoys having spats… even though he treats them like a joke sometimes,” the last part was mumbled under your breath, “but we do get through them every time, and although it’s definitely not easy, it’s worth it.” Zandy blinked thoughtfully at your response, (an unconventional depiction of healthy love, rather than the conventional portrayal of an unhealthy one he once knew.)

“You’re really strong, [Name].” 

“Strong? Not anymore. Patient? Yes,” you laughed, for you are the only one capable of loving a heretic.

Dottore remembers an awful lot, for someone who supposedly doesn’t care. He remembers all the moments you’ve spent with his child self, from when you were sleeping to when you woke up to the ones he heard through his segments. What you’ve introduced into Zandy’s life is the opposite of what Zandik’s life was like. Sheer love, to put it simply, even someone like him can see it, as he is no idiot. Dottore denies wanting to be accepted, and yet he is watching himself be accepted as he longed for. It makes him feel…

Regardless, this sort of mind wandering was no good for the Harbinger, especially the type where you have forced him to dwell about the child he is and isn’t. Before he knew it, the report sat untouched in front of him for a period of time.

Truly no good, and that is why his feet automatically move to find you once more. In truth, he hadn’t decided what he was going to say to you yet - whether to admit that in his heart he has yielded to you but his words will probably be the opposite. 

It wasn’t hard to find you. You were usually in your room or a segment’s, or with a segment himself, minus the times you decided to take walks. At this time though, you’d probably be with the child.

Dottore was right. But it wasn’t quite what he had expected.

You and Zandy had fallen asleep… on the floor, hands barely brushing each other. Dottore sighed at the sight - at least it was rugged and not wooden. The cold wouldn’t have been good for either of you.

(Either of you?)

He made his way over to the two of you, bending down to move you to the bed. He first pulled your body to his chest with ease before his gaze flicked to the child next to you. His breath stills, hand hesitantly hovering over Zandy, fingers twitching with unease. 

(Since when did he, the Second Harbinger, one that could very well be compared to a God, hesitate? This was foolish. It didn’t mean anything.)

And then Zandik slid his arm around the boy, bringing him into his chest too, and then rose to put you two comfortably to bed. He never thought he would ever tuck his child segment in, but here he was anyway.

It made him feel a little sick, the unfamiliar sensation along his fingertips and heart and mind.

But Dottore can’t resist giving you a kiss, having missed your lips for so long, which makes him feel a bit better. He’ll always have you, his beloved.

He should leave you two to rest properly, but he finds himself drawn to the scene in front of him. The ill feeling still remains somewhere, but a warmth that he wouldn’t name had started spreading too.

As he makes his way to leave the room, he dares not to look at the drawings scattered around, for they are persistent in portraying him as what he is not. In the poor scribbles, he is not a Harbinger, not a scholar or a scientist, nor a monster or the Doctor or Dottore in them.

He is just a man, one who can succumb to the side of him he so constantly rejects.

V. clumsy

You wouldn’t have believed last night happened if you weren’t there. But it did - you couldn’t sleep after you felt his warm embrace, but more importantly, after he held Zandy. You hadn’t even expected him to talk to the child so quickly, much less hold him so tenderly (even if that wasn’t his intention.) When it came to this kind of stuff, it was never easy to change his mind.

Needless to say, you were pleased but you knew he was never going to admit to it. However, you were still proud of him, and you were still determined to accomplish your goal.

Walking to Dottore’s office was something you had missed. When Zandy had asked you if you missed Dottore, the answer wasn’t just that you missed him - you longed for him, you yearned for his touch, you craved his presence. Such deep love was the reason why you wanted to help him.

When you get there, he’s preoccupied at his desk again. No matter how strong he may be, you still worry for his back sometimes. You should make some more snacks for him later too.

“Dottore,” you say as you walk in. The place was as boring-looking as it always is, the only decorations are the little trinkets you’ve gifted him that lay on his desk. His mouth opens to respond but he then immediately pauses, as he processes whose voice he’s hearing. He takes a few moments to study you as you continue to walk up to his desk, now standing in front of him just as you were the last time you were here.

“Hello, [Name].” He doesn’t show how nice it is to hear your voice again after so long, even though he has dealt with it for over four hundred years.

“Hello, Dottore. And how have you been?” Dottore watches you carefully with your line of questioning.

“As I’ve always have.” You hum in response as you glance at the papers on his desk, idly clicking and unclicking one of his numerous pens (that had yet to snap in half.) “I’ve heard your report for Pantalone is late. Is something occupying your mind, perhaps?”

“There is no such thing. The information is simply-”

“You know, I saw you last night, Zandik.” Your words cut him off as you watch his shoulders tense, and then relax. “I saw what you did.”

“I… see.” He probably knew it was futile to deny the claim. “And?” He watched as you walked around to his chair, your eyes glancing to his lap and back to his eyes as if asking for permission. He motioned for you to come closer, and you settled down on his lap, legs hooked over to the side. You were silent for a few moments before you reached for his large hand and held it with yours, rubbing your thumb over his knuckles.

“I won’t ask you to explain anything to me,” you began. “I… I don’t want to sound like I’m pitying you, I know you despise that, Zandik.” He remained silent. “But we,” you stressed on that word, “we can still make things right. It’s not too late to change things, no matter what’s happened before,” you said softly as you cupped Dottore’s cheek, caressing it gently. Your lover remained silent as he continued to look at you, his hand reaching to intertwine with your own.

“I remember every time your perspective clashed with mine,” he replied. You tried to ignore your rapid heartbeat. “And I remember the end result was that you were always right, and I was too stubborn. Yet you always pushed me to see it your way regardless.” Dottore’s hand rested on top of your head, stroking your hair as he considered his next words.

“Maybe this time I shall save myself the time and energy and listen to you instead.” You could have fainted, hearing Dottore admit that to you. Your mouth opened and closed, trying to find something to respond with, but there was nothing else you could do other than smile, ignoring the prick of tears in your eyes, and the way your breathing stuttered.

“... Thank you, Zandik. Thank you,” you whispered, nuzzling your face into his chest.

“However, I must say I may not be up to your-”

“You will,” you quickly interrupted. “You will be. You can do this, with me of course. We’ll take it slow and easy of course, I know this is quite hard and you’re busy and-” you continued to reassure him while squeezing his hand and nodding passionately, while he watched amused.

“I question where your confidence comes from.” You smiled, for that was an easy question.

“Because you are no monster, Zandik. Not to me, at least, the person who knows you better than anyone else. And even if the world views you as one, well… I suppose we would be two monsters together. That’s not too bad, right?” You chuckled, and he couldn’t help but smile a bit too.

“Perhaps you could be right.”

From then on, it was certainly a journey. An exhausting and long one to say the least. But it was also a rewarding one.

Obviously, even though he had given you his word, real life was different from the fantasy you wished for. There were still his overwhelming duties as a Harbinger, there were many days he didn’t even have time for you. And you - there were many days your illness left you far too tired to move around or even speak to anyone. And of course, Il Dottore was not going to change his ways overnight. It was hard dealing with him sometimes. There were still arguments. Clashes. Annoyance. It was never easy to mesh differentiating perspectives into one. 

Still, nothing was enough to deter you or your love for him.

a. the potential attempt

The first step was to get them to be in the same space. Not even closely or with interaction, just to get them comfortable enough with each other. When you proposed the idea to Zandy, the baffled look on his face nearly made you laugh. He initially didn’t want to, which you could understand, but you played it off as wanting to spend time with both of them, considering how Dottore was frequently busy. Getting Zandy to agree wasn’t that hard, considering how much he loved you, but you still felt a bit bad. But this was for a good cause!

You were accustomed to chilling wherever Dottore was without fear. Zandy, on the other hand, was not the same. He spoke quietly and always flickered his eyes to see where and what Dottore was doing.

“Zandy, you don’t need to worry about him. Nothing’s going to happen.” 

“But…” 

“Trust me. I bet he can’t even hear us right now,” you nudged him to look at the older man. “See that look on his face? How hard he’s gripping his pen and how fast he’s writing? That’s how you know he’s so incredibly focused, he tunes out the rest of the world.” Still, the child didn’t look too convinced by your words, so you decided to prove it.

“Dottore, I made you some baklava,” you said rather loudly, yet there was no response. Zandy looked surprised now, you both knew how much Dottore enjoyed Sumerian desserts. “And, I brewed you a new pot of coffee.” His pen continued to scribble across the paper, as you then turned to Zandy.

“See? No need to feel so cautious.” Zandy’s shoulders seemed to relax until you spoke again. “Now you try it.”

“Me?!” Zandy whisper-yelled, looked as if you had asked him to commit a crime.

“Yes, you dear. How else will you get comfortable with him?” The child pouted and nuzzled into your arm, seeing as you weren’t going to give up. He chewed on his lip and he began to speak.

“I… Prime…,” Zandy tried to think of something, anything, “Prime… I ate your sweets!” The child immediately regrets it at record speed, anxiously hiding behind you.

“... My, my, how bold. Even I wouldn’t say that.” Zandy peeked out behind you and saw his creator was still diligently writing, and breathed a sigh of relief. “See, not that bad, right?” The boy nodded, but his mind wandered.

“[Name], I didn’t eat his sweets.” You cocked your head at his statement. “... But I think Beta did.”

“Oh dear. I suppose it’s time to get a lock on that fridge now… and then we need to make some more before-” At that moment, a snapping sound from the side made you two jump.

Ah. Dottore had finally broken his pen. Well, that one lasted longer than usual. You and Zandy watched with held breath as Dottore scowled and cast the broken utensil to the side, before looking at each other and trying to hold in laughter, avoiding the Harbinger’s eye contact and returning to what you two were previously doing. The man looked at your giggling faces with confusion.

“Is something the matter?”

“Not at all, love. Not at all,” you smiled, but by the fact that even his child segment seemed to be giggling, he knew you said something. (He ignores how foreign the laughter of the child sounds to him.)

Regardless, he sends you a look before shaking his head and returning to work (with a new pen.)

b. the awkward attempt

One of the moments that captured your heart was when Zandy walked in on Dottore giving you one of your shots. Needles weren’t unfamiliar to you anymore, and although they scared you (and still did, to be honest), thankfully Dottore and the segments had enough patience to make it as painless as possible. Zandy, however, never really saw the checkups or anything related because you really didn’t want to worry the child about your illness. But you supposed it would happen eventually. 

The atmosphere had suddenly turned a bit awkward with Zandy now standing at the door, eyes on the rather large needle that sat on the tray, that was definitely going into none other than you. From his wide eyes, you could tell it probably wasn’t what he was expecting to see. Of course, needles, especially a big one like Dottore was holding, would scare any child his age.

“O-Oh! Zandy, you can wait outside for a few minutes. You don’t need to watch,” you explained, while Dottore stood silently next to you as he prepped the area of your arm. The child seemed conflicted for a few moments before he decided to walk closer to you and the Harbinger.

“No, it’s okay. I… want to see,” Zandy said. In reality, the boy knew you hid certain things from him and wished to know the truth. He wanted to know how badly you were hurt, maybe he could try and do something for you. (Perhaps this too, is a side effect of teaching him what love is.)

“You do? Well… I guess I won’t stop you then,” you said, a bit confused but you wouldn’t just send him away. Dottore placed a hand on your shoulder and got you to relax again for him. Meanwhile, Zandy had come up to the opposite side and looked at you with slightly worried eyes.

“Is it going to hurt, [Name]?”

“Well, it does prick a bit, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. It’s the same as any other shot,” you tried to reassure him as his gaze became downcast. You bit your lip nervously, about to give him a solution, when out of nowhere Dottore himself spoke.

“Physical and emotional support from another party often makes the procedure less painful for the recipient,” he said in a monotone as if he wasn’t speaking to either of you at all. You and Zandy blinked at him before he continued. “I’m going to start the injection now.” Suddenly, it seemed like Zandy understood the message, as the child then grabbed your hand, and squeezed it with his much tinier one.

“You can do this, [Name]!” His instant enthusiasm distracted you from the prick of the needle, but also the fact that Dottore technically spoke to Zandy, encouraging him even. It was simply adorable.

“Zandy, I-” 

“You know, there was one time I fell while-”

“Oh wow-”

“But I was okay because-”

“I see-” You had decided to continue smiling and nodding at the child’s attempt to distract you from the shot until he abruptly stopped, his eyes flickering to where Dottore had now finished bandaging the area.

“Ah, it’s finished,” you breathed a sigh of relief and deflated on the chair, but Zandy still had a load of energy for you to entertain.

“You didn’t even look a bit scared, [Name]!” You grinned and ruffled his hair.

“Why, I doubt anything in this world could scare me when I have my lovely son and husband with me,” you smiled as you kissed Zandy’s forehead, which he beamed at while Dottore turned away to clean up, an attempt to ignore how the scene made his chest feel.

A family, huh?

What a strange thing.

c. the successful attempt

You were quite proud of the progress Zandy and Dottore had made together, but still, the most important part remained. Now that you had gotten them to be in the same room with each other, you wanted them to at least manage a few short conversations. That was the biggest and most difficult part of this whole thing, but starting small was always the key. And so you decided to somewhat ‘force’ them into such situations. How? By just making the child run errands for you. (Sure, you could have let things run their natural course, but with these two, they definitely needed some kind of push.)

An easy way to make Dottore lighten up was to cook something yummy for him, with bonus points if it was something from his homeland. So that was what you and Zandy did - whipped up a bunch of samosas and even a pita pocket (since you knew he had definitely been skipping meals, much to your dismay.) You had packaged them nicely in a container for him to eat at his leisure and instructed Zandy to deliver them. He seemed less nervous than before but still a bit on edge, nevertheless determined to fulfill your wishes, as he soon found himself in Prime’s office. The man seemed surprised. The child avoided eye contact. The room was silent, without you to act as a middleman.

But Dottore decided to begin.

“Did you need something?” Zandy perked up at the acknowledgment and quickly began walking to his desk, slightly standing up on his tippy-toes to push the container of food in front of his creator.

“[Name] and I made this for you. They said you need to eat more or they’ll get mad again,” the child repeated your words verbatim, trying to gauge Dottore’s reaction. The scholar’s hands glided against the plastic, looking at the tasty treats that lay inside.

“I see. Thank you.” He began to set them to the side before Zandy spoke again.

“Um, they also want you to try one.” Dottore paused. Of course you would say that, he sighed.

“Very well.” He opened the container and picked out a samosa, the snack still warm. He ignored how enticing it was to his stomach and began to lift it to his mouth when he stopped and pushed the box closer to his child segment. Zandy looked at him with curious eyes and he motioned for him to take one. Happily, the boy indulged his request and popped the samosa into his mouth, which Dottore soon followed suit, the two savoring the flavors of your delicious and homey cooking.

“How would you say that was?” He questioned Zandy. The child still had trouble he was being acknowledged so much but responded in kind.

“The most delicious thing ever!”

“I would say the same.” And that was the end of the conversation, as Dottore returned to his work and Zandy scurried away, both content with the conclusion. Dottore’s answers may have been short and swift, but it was progress.

By now Dottore had caught onto your little game, while Zandy was just happy to be helpful to you. There were a lot of other instances where you sent him to Dottore - to fetch some medication, to bring Dottore a letter (that totally didn’t just have three words on it), to bring him some new writing utensils, and much more. The occurrences were all short, but they were beginning to grow a lot less awkward. You were happy.

This time you asked Zandy to fetch a book from Dottore, which was actually a legitimate request this time. He really wanted to learn more about those Ruin Machines, and you figured it would be a lot easier if you had a book as a reference. (Dottore had not yet gotten used to the Zandy’s appearances, still a bit stiff and unsure about the whole thing. But they weren’t unwelcome visits, no, they were starting to become a constant in his life.)

Zandy, on the other hand, had already started to feel much better about interacting with Prime Dottore, thanks to your words and Dottore’s much better actions. The once dreaded path to his office had now become a lot more lighthearted. Sure, he was still a bit tense sometimes, but he thinks most people are that way around Dottore (except you, you’re special), so when he finally makes it to his creator’s office once more he’s not too scared. The older man doesn’t seem to be surprised at his visits anymore.

“And what request do you come to me for today?”

“[Name] and I need a book.” Dottore’s eyes widened. You knew the kind of books he had were… well, inappropriate for some eyes. “A book about Ruin Machines and Guards and Graders and Hunters and their parts and designs and all that cool stuff!”

“I see.” Well, that made more sense. The Harbinger got up from his seat to retrieve a book on that topic, when a sudden and uncharacteristic thought came over him. He did enjoy reading books, as they were a wondrous source of information, but he still far preferred hands-on learning. He wondered if… if perhaps his younger self would prefer that too right now. 

No, he knew Zandy would, he was literally him when he was a kid, but the question was whether Dottore was up to this or not. A while ago, this situation would have been impossible. But now, it was a possibility, an outcome that only Dottore could choose to achieve. He stared at Zandy, who had begun to get a bit nervous at the strange attention.

“If you’re busy-”

“Would you prefer it if I showed you instead, rather than simply viewing pictures?”

“Like the actual machines?” Zandy’s eyes glowed with excitement.

“No, just the parts. But I believe it will be more interesting than only examining them in a book.” He could already hear you in his ear if he decided to let the child near those things, especially without you. Zandy only felt a moment of disappointment before he quickly bounced back.

“Please! I want to see the parts! Can I touch them too? Will you show me what they do?” His barrage of questions was sudden, but the scientist found himself enjoying them. After all, if no one else will indulge his curiosity, then he must do so himself, no matter what age he is.

(Although he’s only a few minutes into the explanation, his younger self’s eyes glimmer with a brightness he’s never seen, or at least never noticed before. Were his eyes always this red? You always compliment the color of his, but he can’t seem to remember his eyes ever having such a radiant gleam. He ignores it, for he’s sure his own eyes were never like that as a child.)

Meanwhile, you were left wondering why the boy had been gone so long. Did something happen? You decided to make your way over to Dottore’s office when you heard the voices spilling out of the ajar door. A young and chirpy one, and an old and tired one, and yet they both seemed equally as excited about whatever the subject matter was.

Peeking in, you were beyond surprised to see your husband and child sitting next to each other, a variety of mechanical parts surrounding the two. Zandy was examining one while Dottore rambled on about it, yet in a logically sound way that even a child could understand. You remember the same thing happening to you back in the Akademiya. 

Your heart beat excitedly at this discovery. The way they seemed comfortable with each other, despite their strained relationship from a while ago… in fact, perhaps you could say it looked like a father and his son. All that was missing was the other parent. But should you ruin the moment? You wanted it to last forever…

Unfortunately, staring for too long had attracted the attention of Zandy, who brightened even more at your presence, and quickly waved you over, which also alerted Dottore. Well, there was no hiding anymore, as you began to walk towards the two you loved the most.

“Well well, lucky you, Zandy. To get a lesson from none other than Dottore in Automatons! But oh, I am a bit hurt. Are my teaching skills not up to par for you two?” You teased them lightheartedly, which Zandy giggled at, and Dottore scoffed.

“Fa- Prime wanted to show me the stuff instead of us going through that huge book together. It’s much more fun this way! Oh, but I should have come and told you though… sorry.” Dottore didn’t say anything, but you didn’t need him to. You went to the opposite side of Zandy and sat down, wrapping your arm around him.

“Perhaps I too could be one of your students, Dottore? Zandy and I are eager to learn more!” Dottore let out a sigh at your antics.

“Then listen carefully, because I will not repeat myself to you.”

“How cruel!”

The laughter of two echoed throughout the room, while the other could only smile.

VI. coldness

You loved your family very much. That was obvious to anyone who saw you with them.

Pantalone who asked about how your son was faring, and if your husband would be able to produce sufficient results soon. Columbina who liked to play dress up with you and Zandy to wear matching outfits, while Dottore obviously refused to entertain her nonsense. Childe who couldn’t help but be fond of Zandy as well, tempted to introduce him to Teucer, but also greatly questioned your choice of husband (and father.) The Fatui agents who watched you squish the young segment’s cheeks and tease your imposing Harbinger husband in broad daylight. It was certainly something to see, and one wouldn’t believe it until they saw it with their own eyes.

Meanwhile, the segments had been onlookers on the whole thing.

You were sure each individual segment felt a bit differently about the situation, but the general feeling was probably jealousy. Jealousy toward Zandy for being able to take up so much of your attention. Well, that had always been the case since you’d met the child, but it increased a lot since your journey to help Dottore reconcile with his past self. You just hoped as the years went by, their attitude would change. If you had gotten Prime to change, then his segments weren’t impossible, right? You did see a few of them start to be a bit more patient with Zandy!

Regardless, you were more than happy with the outcome. Dottore and Zandy were talking to each other like normal human beings now. Sure, there were still moments where they were awkward and silent, which was to be expected considering how many years went by with their relationship nonexistent. 

Physical affection, however… well, it still had some work left. The only person he wanted to touch him was you since he had known you for so long. Even then, sometimes you couldn’t when he wasn’t in a good mood. So coming to terms with Zandy touching him so casually was still something to get used to. Still, he seemed to have gotten used to the hand brushing and even patted the child’s hair when he did well. On good days, perhaps the child would even be in his lap.

Still, now that you had helped create a bond between them, nothing could stop their progress. Nothing at all.

Dottore still never admitted the change in his feelings to you, but you didn’t need a concrete answer when his actions spoke louder. You lived for the new conversations that now occurred as a result of Zandy, like when he tells you about the time they spent together.

“I’ve heard that you’ve started teaching Zandy more now, Dottore.” (Trying to steal your role as a teacher again, huh?)

“Indeed. We have moved on to quantum physics as well as-” He continued to list off topics you definitely did not study as a child.

“How… enriching, I’m sure.” Perhaps you should start crashing the lessons to make sure he doesn’t overload the poor kid’s brain too much…

Or when you hear about how much they both care for you.

“[Name]?”

“Yes, Dottore?”

“How have you been feeling as of late?” His hands crept up around your neck, brushing his fingers along your collarbones.

“Fine. The same as always,” you responded, which was sort of a truth and lie. You were technically fine, but there had been more days lately that had been a slog to get through with your illness and all. You didn’t want to admit that though. Dottore dragged his fingers along your shoulders in response.

“That’s a lie.” Your face heated up a bit from the proximity.

“That’s not-”

“Zandy,” he began, the name still a bit foreign on his tongue, “told me you’ve barely been sleeping as late. And the tiredness makes it difficult for you to move around. Why didn’t you tell me?” You slumped a bit in your seat at the discovery. You didn’t think the child would know that much less tell Dottore.

“How did he know?”

“He can hear you rustling around in the bed all night,” your husband said flatly as you sighed.

“I’m sorry, love…”

“Next time, I would prefer to hear my spouse’s troubles from their lips rather than someone else. Now come here.”

Or the simpler silly conversations.

“Why did you name him that?” He said one day while lounging on your lap. It was one of those days when it was necessary for him to rant to you about everything and anything.

“Name who what?”

“... Zandy.” Hearing Dottore get used to the name was still amusing to you.

“Why not? There’s a reason why all the segments like their names now, you know. It’s cute, it fits him, he likes it, and it’s way better than what you did,” you teased. Dottore grumbled.

“I still believe there were better options.”

“Yes, yes, says the one who names every experiment with a few letters and numbers. Now continue telling me about Pantalone’s audacity.” 

You were happy. Zandy was happy. And you were pretty sure Dottore was happy too. Even through the toughest days, you knew that you had them, and that made things better. You believed nothing in the world would change that or take that away from you.

So when you heard that some of the segments were heading to Sumeru, you weren’t too worried. It was just another mission for them, and although the importance of this one was much higher, you had no doubt the segments would handle it with ease. The lab was emptier than normal, but at least that gave you more time to play with him. 

“[Name], why do we go and collect Gnoses?” Zandy was still unaware of quite a few things, as others were unwilling to explain the details of them.

“So that we can fight Celestia,” you hummed as you turned the page of the book. Currently, you two were reading a rather interesting fantasy story, and the two of you had gotten up to the most crucial part - whether the protagonist would choose to further his ambitions or save the one he cherished.

“Why do we need to fight them?”

“Because they’re bad people,” you said as simply as possible.

“When are we going to fight them?”

“I don’t know, but one day we will.”

“Is it going to be scary?”

“Yes, it will. But I will protect you, from now until the end of time, so there’s no need to worry.”

“Okay,” Zandy said, but he still looked a bit sad, naturally. You softly stroked his fluffy hair.

“Don’t dwell on it. You still have lots and lots of happy memories to make,” you soothed him and kissed his forehead. “Nothing bad will happen to you.”

“Thanks, [Name],” he cuddled more into your side as you continued to read the story aloud to him.

The days passed as they always did. Tests. Checkups. The bickering of segments. Dottore popped up here and there, still busy with the Sumeru mission even though he remained at the lab. As always, Zandy remained a constant in your life when everyone else was too busy for you, so you were happy.

It had happened in the middle of a nap when you were shaken awake furiously. When you regained consciousness, you first registered your body being tossed from side to side, and then the blinding light from above. Ugh. What time was it, you wondered, because your mind next processed the desperate voice next to you.

“[Name]! [Name], please, please wake up. Please, he’s going to-” The sheer fright in his voice was enough to jolt you back to reality. You quickly rubbed your eyes and pulled yourself up to face the boy. You wondered what could have happened for Zandy to be this frantic, but the look on his face made your throat close up.

Bright red eyes on the verge of tears, flushed face, quivering lip, and shaking body. A terrible feeling rested in the pit of your stomach as you were speechless for a moment before Zandy grabbed your hands again, begging you to say something.

“Zandy, s-slow down. Start from the beginning. What’s wrong? Who is going to do what?” You placed your hands on his shoulders, pulling him closer in an attempt to calm him. It didn’t seem to do much.

“Omega, Omega’s going to delete me for-”

“What?!” Your voice came out as a shriek. “Tell him no! Tell him I said to stop! I- come with me!” You had already begun to pull him out of bed and out the door, looking like a mess but that wasn’t a worry at all, not right now. Zandy followed you aimlessly, sniffling and sputtering out words.

“B-But not just me, all the other segments are going to be e-erased too! Alpha, Beta, Delta-” You paused, deep fear instilling in your heart as you too began to breathe heavily. Still, you swooped down to Zandy’s height and hugged him, putting on a brave face.

“I won’t let it happen - you’ll be fine. We’ll just go to Prime, and then he’ll-”

“He approved it, though,” Zandy’s voice was tiny as he stared down at his feet as if he too was unwilling to believe he would be betrayed like this. You felt like you were going to be sick, heat rushing to your face, burning you alive.

“What?” Your voice was just as small as the child’s.

“Well, he’s not happy about it, but-” You gritted your teeth.

“I won’t accept it. You will not suffer such a fate, I pro-” You stopped when you heard footsteps approaching.

It was the person you wanted to see the least and most at the same time.

“Dottore,” your voice initially came out exhausted as you forced your shaky legs to stand up again, “Dottore, you best explain yourself right now,” you hissed, the malice now undeniable. “Tell me that this isn’t true.” Dottore opened his mouth to speak, but he seemed to realize that it would not be the answer you desired. The Harbinger’s eyes landed on his child self, who now clung to your leg in fear. Zandy looked at him in a way he hadn’t seen in a long time. Dottore ignored all emotions and focused on his logic.

“It’s neces-”

“Don’t you dare say that!” You interrupted him, hopefully before the child could hear his own creator (or perhaps, father) say he was dispensable. “That’s not true, you know it’s not-” Your words were interrupted by Zandy clutching his head and squeezing your leg deathly tight, the thoughts of the other segments reaching an all-time loud high.

“It’s happening… O-Omega’s going to do it,” the child had broken into full tears as he listened to the others vehemently deny Omega’s decision. He then frantically clawed at your leg, reaching for your hand for some sort of comfort.

“[Name], I don’t want to go! I don’t want to leave you! I don’t want to…” The one in the beginning of his life, the picture of innocence, dared to take one last look at the one in the prime of his life, who he couldn’t recognize anymore. The last word died on his lips. Your heart wrenched and pounded painfully as you looked away to beg Dottore again.

“Dot- Zandik, do something. Please, please stop Omega. I won’t ask for anything else ever again. Y-You can’t take him away from me…! Please!”

And then you felt your hand become empty, and your leg become cold. Bile began to bubble in your throat. You felt like you were going to throw up, wondering if you should dare look back down. 

You did anyway.

There was just empty space, Zandy nowhere to be found. Not even his clothes, not a single thing left of him. He had disap- no, he was dead.

Zandy was dead.

Your child was dead.

Your mind was very loud, despite not thinking about anything at all. Your hand twitched, trying to grasp the warmth that was there just a few moments ago. You tried to pretend there was the sensation of him holding you again.

Unfortunately, imagination can’t replicate reality.

You don’t even realize how close Dottore had gotten to you, eyes still frozen on the spot where Zandy just was.

“[Name].” His voice brings you back, but not for a good reason. You blink as you mechanically turn your head to face him. You don’t understand why he isn’t bothered. You don’t understand why he did this. You don’t understand anything. And then your face, which was as still as a statue, suddenly became enveloped in grief and tears. Your husband slightly grimaced at your expression.

“[Name],” he tried again, “I-”

“Don’t you dare speak to me like that, in that tone of voice,” you snapped amidst your continuous tears. “Do you have any idea what you’ve just done to them? To me? To us?” You weren’t sure which you would prefer - that he wasn’t sure about how much this would pain you, or that he did know but went ahead with it anyway. And it wasn’t just you, now that Zandy was gone… he would never be able to make peace with what he was.

“My last words to Zandy were a lie,” you cried. “A lie! I didn’t even tell him that I cared for him, how much I cherished him, how I loved the time I spent with him, how much I loved him!”

“Did any of the time we three spent together mean anything? Did he mean anything to you, Zandik? Or was it just a lie?” You relentlessly spat at him, refusing to let him get in a word. “You just used him and the other segments as bargaining chips. Pawns. They weren’t tools… my child wasn’t expendable, he was a person too,” you sank to the floor, your whole body trembling and immensely fatigued, but your mouth kept moving, wrapped in your incoherent grief. “I thought we could-, no, we were a family… Was I the only one who cared?”

Dottore could only watch as you broke apart in front of him. What could he have said to extinguish your tears? That he didn’t quite want to do this either, but he had to? Regardless of the newly acquired feelings about his segment, nothing… nothing could come in the way of what he had to do.

“Would you do the same to me, Zandik? Would you trade me for a Gnosis, too…?” Dottore stiffened at the question. It was never something he’d thought you’d say, considering how foolish it was. Him? Give you up? No, he would never. Never. He would sooner let all of Teyvat burn but-

“He was just a kid,” you sobbed. “He was just a little boy. How could you? You… you…!” Dottore could feel your sheer rage and sadness easily, his hands wanting to reach out and offer you some sort of comfort.

But he was a monster, and he knew it.

[triaelf9]

Just a lil post about Taash and how I'm feeling about how ppl are reacting to them as someone who relates to them very strongly not only on the gender journey front, but also on the mom-issues front.

Cut for length b/c of course this won't actually be a "little" post lol

So I hear a lot of "Taash is too young" "Taash acts like a child" "Taash is too brash" "Taash has wildly binary views of the world" "Taash is thinks their reality is the world's reality" etc etc etc

And I'm here to say that as someone who realized that non-binary was a thing later in life, grew up trying to be them, but society was not only unwelcoming to that, but openly hostile at points, with a mom who had totally different interests, who very much wanted to protect them from the outside world to a point where it left them unprepared to deal with nuances of the world, etc, a mom who thought they were "just doing their best" but was never meant to be a mom, and never wanted to be a mom, didn't have the tools for mom-hood, who wanted to protect their child, but had no real idea how, and how every comment turned into the mom trying to steer her kid the right way, but just came out as a dig or a "you're not good enough" remark, AND looking after your mom in a world that is wholly unsuited to her, that she can't really adapt to and fit into, and kinda becoming her mom to a point so that your life completely revolves around her until you leave home?

Yeah. I get Taash. It's actually kinda freaky how, fantasy elements aside, I get Taash on a frightening level. (aside from the dragon stuff, we're both the same with that HELL YEAH DRAGONS)

Taash doesn't read young to me because I've always read young because of how I was raised. I didn't get the chance to figure myself out until I left home. I also had the benefit of being able to leave for college at a younger age, and got a chance to experience things away from my mom earlier. But seeing things in such a binary way, that's how it is when you're protected like that.

You don't want to admit how similar you are to how your mom sees the world, b/c she sees it in one way, and as you go through life, you get to learn differently. You come out of this situation INCREDIBLY judgmental at first. Why aren't THESE things conforming to MY reality. You come across as brash and childish. And when you get treated as such, it's triggering b/c that's how your mom treats you.

You hate how you look, you think you look like a freak b/c your mom is constantly commenting on your appearance. She does it out of love (she wants you to be healthy & not mocked by your peers) but she doesn't consider that constantly telling you not to look a certain way does damage. My self confidence only recovered in my thirties. I'm 4 days from my 38th birthday, and it took getting pregnant to finally be like "you know what, I don't hate myself & my body" which is MASSIVE for me.

So where do we get our self confidence? In things we enjoy, in hyperfocuses that we're good at. For me that's comics, naginata, fantasy & DA lore lol XD For Taash it's dragons, fighting, and working out. And when we falter there, it's devastating b/c it's the only way we can feel good about ourselves b/c our SELVES are disconnected and tucked away b/c they make us feel bad.

So I totally get how Taash reads to people. The autism aspects are more like my wife (who is autistic & has issues with social cues, while I'm HYPER AWARE of social stuff which fuels my anxiety b/c of the type of person my mom was and how I had to look after her), but I get it.

But it makes me sad when I hear people dunk on Taash as "bad writing" and "unrealistic" and "annoying" and it's like...is that how you see people like that? Is that how you see me and people like my wife? I feel like people aren't willing to look deeper so often (an issue with all the companions tbh & some day I'll have to get into my Davrin feels b/c BOY do I have them. Neve too, WHOOF) but I feel like if you do that in a game, I hope you don't do that irl.

anyway TLDR this is a Taash defense post b/c while they have a lot of issues, stuff they need to work out & have wrong opinions on stuff, they're growing, they're learning & they have to do it later than most. They're an incredibly complicated character with tons of nuance, and I can't wait to get deeper into their story and banter with companions in round 2 of my playthroughs, and then again in round 3

Sorry this is too long, and I'm sure not all of this was intended when they were written, but this is how it all clicked with me as someone who has lived a large portion of that stuff. Like, again, I'm nearly fucking FOURTY and I don't feel like I should be there yet b/c I started so far back. It ALSO doesn't help that ADHD wild child I was, I was held back in preschool b/c neurodivergence also makes a kid read younger, AND the choice to have me be the youngest in the class would have been a very bad one. So I'm older than most of my peers BUT I've always read younger, felt younger, and have had a sore spot when it comes to all that.

Thank you for coming to my Taash Talk, I'll be here all week to think about more stuff, including how their body makes them read as lady, and they're not sure how to feel about that, but they don't want to CHANGE it, but is it right?

ANYWHO this is why Taash is a fascinating character & deserves better than to be regulated to "annoying kid"

[leggalese]

So I heard my “phoenix actively repressing his feenie tendancies” headcanon stuck with you :) (if it really was my ask that brought up the concept to you)

I’m glad you like it because the whole “repressing past emotional tendencies” thing is important to me, and in how most people look back on themselves and think they were super cringe or embarrassing and want to distance themselves from that as much as they can in order to be “socially acceptable” or “normal” (which is a pretty big thing with neurodivergent people growing up and also coincides with the “Phoenix has adhd of some sort” headcanon)

And then having to connect back to their emotional side again as they get older, and having to try to recover that connection and understanding of their younger selves again

Idk it’s just a very special concept to me and I can totally see it through Phoenix and feenie too

I think I had some kind of rough idea of wanting to connect Nick and Feen in some kind of way, and then your ask sort of cemented it into something more concrete. :)

I personally don't really buy into the "Nick has ADHD" headcanon... buuuuut I do like the idea of moving his character arc in the opposite direction of what is usually expected. Instead of distancing himself from his past tendencies I really want to see him gradually becoming more okay with incorporating them again. I want Nick to be the bitter heroine of a cheesy romance movie who learns to be okay with being in love again because I am a sap like that. >:,U

I am also a sucker for inner conflict being metaphorically depicted as different parts of a character interacting with each other...

OG Nick is my fav but Feen IS SO DAMN CLOSE because he is just that fun to characterize. I would like to think that is the most honest and unfiltered part of himself and who he is at his most vulnerable.

You know that thing you can do with slightly long sleeves where you let them go just to your fingers making your hands look like cat paws...

I wonder tho...where would you take this concept? What would you do with this idea? I'm curious since you mentioned it is something very near and dear to you.

[rei-ismyname]

The deification of Jean Grey

When a 16 year old Jean Grey was bought to the present by Hank McIrresponsible, she was immediately confronted with the post-death canonisation the X-Men greater social circle had saddled her with. Big feelings and bigger expectations.

The worst of it was from people who'd never even met her, but those closest to her was no less fraught. Adult Scott was certainly affected by her presence, but he behaved the most normal about it (cough, Logan.)

This is a really cute conversation, clearly something Jean needs. Not sure I agree that Jean never had a chance. She made her choices as a hero but there's plenty that *could* have gone differently. Besides, she's already come back to life at least once and travelled through time a bunch. You can't keep Jean Grey down for long. I'd expect Scott to say something like that, though he seems especially pensive at this point. I guess it's understandable, as time travel is a headfuck. It's cute that he's jealous of his younger self and that he admits it.

Scott's empathy for Hank here is really sweet, especially considering the lengths Hank went through to hurt him (intentionally or not.) The very presence of Jean should be reminding people of the culpability of a Phoenix host. Jean is safely dead and can be put on a pedestal, whereas Scott receives nothing but venom. I'm sure Chuck's death is a big factor, but the man tried very hard to die by Dark Phoenix Jean, too. It's easy to overlook the flaws of the dead, and in many ways Jean and Xavier both get canonised as mutant saints. Neither deserve it, for different reasons.

Oh boy, Jean's actions here are difficult to discuss appropriately. She's lonely and scared, she's just woken up from a nightmare, and the person she's closest to is there for her - all grown up. I doubt this is intended to be sexual, my read on it is Jean reaching for platonic intimacy. It's definitely rooted in the love Scott and Jean have for each other, something their awkward 16 year old selves haven't managed to navigate. 'The man I hoped you'd be' is loaded as hell, but it is very human. None of us have ever met our time-displaced selves or loves, and it's very understandable to view them as the same person, except not/better.

I'm not going to credit Scott for not learning into Jean's confusion and need for comfort (because it's just the right thing to do) but I do think he understands and he definitely handled it appropriately. Setting firm boundaries and pivoting the focus to the kind of support Jean needs is considerate and responsible.

Kitty's stance and pseudo-threat here is difficult to parse. She says he handled it well, luckily for him, implying that she was listening the whole time but was also wary of him not handling it well? It's hard to see this as anything other than Kitty thinking they might fuck. I'm not sure they do understand each other, because Kitty didn't listen to him, she just banned him from being in her room alone. Not an unreasonable policy to have, but it doesn't give Scott a lot of credit. As they both leave, Jean cries which seems like a failure of duty of care. Feels like there's more going on here. 'But if the genders were reversed' whataboutery is usually bad faith nonsense, but there is an actual example here. If Kitty heard young Bobby crying alone or screaming in the middle of the night I'm pretty sure she'd check in on him. That she's dated his adult counterpart changes nothing. Adult! Scott and Teen! Jean could communicate telepathically any time they wished, so idk. Maybe just the writers covering their bases and overcorrecting.

Then there's Emma and the Cuckoos. While Emma is the best person to train and teach Teen Jean, she does it in a very messed up way. Jean is so obviously right when she identifies that Emma has issues. I'm not fond of this plot point, or at least how it's written - the whole 'girls are bitchy and jealous' regressive idea put centre stage. This psychic duel fails the Bechdel Test and makes all the adults look super irresponsible for allowing it to happen.

Keep in mind Emma is bombarding a 16 year old with sexual images. Jean IS a saint for putting up with this shit and not melting her brain. Telepathy isn't real, but intrusive thoughts are - and I don't think it's a stretch to say targeted sexualised intrusive thoughts is deliberately traumatizing a teenager. I definitely think this could have been written better. Emma having unresolved Jean Grey issues is to be expected, but dealing with it like this and everyone being okay with it is difficult to believe.

Then again, it seems nobody is immune to the deification of Jean Grey, not even the writers. They all know her as the most powerful telepath so obviously teenage Jean can deal with whatever you throw at her. Kitty and Scott should know better, and Emma has plenty of other ways to train Jean. Yes, she's the great Jean Grey, but she's also a 16 year old who's not coping all that well. I'm glad that Teen Jean and Emma became friends not long after this, but it says a lot that the dude writing it couldn't figure out a way to explain it on the page. There was an opportunity here to show women building a friendship off their commonalities, but instead it's something Jean has to overcome with psychic power not emotional strength - and the adults looking after her don't look very responsible.

[pandorem]

This has been on my mind and in my drafts for a while, and a fanfic from a completely different fandom got me thinking about it again.

You know what reason number 100000+ I appreciate Dead Boy Detectives is? The way that while there are some really interesting ways to look at and explore how time and being ghosts have affected Edwin and Charles and their maturity and experience, they are, at the core of themselves and unambiguously, also teenagers.

I think it’s really interesting to explore all of the different ways they can be not JUST teenagers but that teenagers are still at the base of it. Like they very much specify that Emma is older than them “supernaturally speaking”, not just ‘you’re older than us even if you don’t look it’.

I don’t know. I’m not against interpretations of different forms of immortality where a character feels older and is just stuck in a younger body, I think there ARE a lot of interesting things you can explore there. Or time travel stories where a person is sent back into their previous selves but still feel the age they were in the future. But. It feels to me like lately, especially in online spaces, that seems to be the ONLY accepted interpretation of things. And that’s. Really boring to me.

Again, I think there can be interesting things to explore in the first interpretation, but to take time travelling as an example, I find a young person with all of the emotional maturity and instincts and problems that come with being young who has gained the memories of their future selves but not that maturity to be just as interesting as the other way around. And so often I see it taken as a given that characters are mentally the oldest they can be interpreted even when almost all of the actual text implies that they’re still emotionally their younger selves, or at least that it’s more complicated then being an adult.

Back to ghosts specifically, so much of the themes and like… general mythology of ghosts is about being stuck, not being able to move on or progress. Saying these characters are “actually mentally equivalent to a living human who has lived the same amount of years they’ve technically existed” would completely ignore that. More than that, it would be a betrayal of the tragedy that they never got to grow up. We don’t get to ignore that they were kids whose lives were unfairly cut short.

And I just like how up front they are about that episode one. How Charles refers to Crystal as someone “our age”. No ambiguity.

Also, as a person who likes to explore how supernatural or alien characters might experience things in a way we don’t have a one to one for in human experience, I still love that there’s room to explore that it might be more complicated than that. That Emma IS older than them “supernaturally speaking”. I just really like that the base of it is that they’re teenagers with some more stuff going on rather than the other way around.

[blossoms-phan]

Sorry blossoms im going to get sappy for a moment, but the way Dan and Phil have genuinely made such an impact for each and every one of us makes me so emotional ☹️.

They’ve made me less scared for the future just in showing that life doesn’t end in your 20s and that you CAN reach a level where you’re happy and open about who you are. As a considered younger phannie, who is still surrounded by those who wouldn’t like who i am, and who is just beginning to navigate the murky waters of uni and other life ugliness, that message means the world to me. Dan and Phil and the community on here are incredible. They’re a sense of hope for me and I could only imagine how others feel the same!! Like i just LOVE how we have our own little phannie community and how its become close-knit with dnp. Its so sacred and special to us all for different reasons.

For once i cant wait for what the future has to hold! This whole new era and the accepting of past selves just makes me particularly emotional too. So with the first show right around the corner, Ive been thinking about this and I thought your inbox would be the one to yap in 😭.

(Also hi, yes its izzy :3, but im putting it as anon since this is long and sentimental)

this is so lovely and i completely understand you!! it makes me so happy seeing other phannies saying stuff like this cause like, idk i just don't think i could ever emphasize how important and special dnp are and the impact they've had on us to people that don't know anything about them. it makes me think of that post about relating to dan howell when he was 22 and still doing so now bc it's like we've grown up with them and quite a few of us are younger than them and it's just so insane to think about how much they did and went though when they were so young but like you said, it gives me so much hope that things get better! there's always so much room for growth and things to change for the better even if that change is difficult and it's been such a privilege watching them blossom and grow into their true, most authentic selves. this community is so, so important and the way it's swelled post-hiatus, leading up to tit, etc is so exciting and i just hope we all stick around to support each other and just soak in the craziness of whatever they do next. our mutual relationship with them is so special, they truly understand us, and this tour is definitely going to prove that with how much they're emphasizing confronting the past, healing our inner child and moving into this new era together <3

[salaapaoo]

I just read His Brothers keeper and it was sooooo good and now I'm on a lcf/tcf rampage and need more reccomendations. Would you be able to reccomend some the more angsty the better :D

Ooh!!! Hmmm ... Big think....

Shadows in the dark by Luciel (SoulStuckInSomeday)

**this one may be really triggering. Make sure to read the tags beforehand! It's kind of like... Krs wakes up in Cale's body and has to relive memories, but there's a major blank and he's going through his diary to remember?? It involves SA, so please be aware before reading!!

**also includes suicide ideation

24,928 words, 8/11 chapters

Fire and Ashes by Cakeoholic

This one is from Raon's pov of before his rescue !! Very interesting, I enjoyed it a lot!! There hasn't been too many fics that try to show this as much ?? Or maybe I haven't really found them?

4,669 words, 1/1 chapters

When somebody needs you by lostintheclouds321

If you're looking for a longer fic!! This one is Eruhaben/Cale in a more modern world? But they're both basically fated to die and it's mentioned p early on (terminal illness, etc). It's rly fun to watch Cale deteriorate !!

23,457 words, 2/2 chapters

The heir of blood by Thursdays

This!! This one is by the same author as his brothers keeper! But this fic is about Hong and his past and his abilities! Hong whump!!!

**may be triggering because it includes self harm

6,940 words, 1/1 chapters

Familia ante omnia by shadowlancer_95

This one is if things went differently in that fight against dorph and sayeru >:) if you enjoy Cale whump and blood then this one might be for you!!

10,153 words, 2/2 chapters

I don't know if I should miss you, but I know I never cared by corvidaes

This is Vicross' pov on memories from when Cale was younger :0 !! I'm honestly really weak for their relationship/bond and I wish there were more fics similar to this!

2,008 words, 1/1 chapters

Overcoming the past by unknown_writer_fan

This one!! I really loved! I feel like it doesn't get too much attention or interraction because there aren't a lot of tags on it? But it's a kid fic where they find a mirror and it has this ability to show people their past selves. They're all intrigued and looking, but when Cale goes in front of it, it shatters and you get krs !! So it's about their interractions w him and learning about his past :D I'm WEAK for the deaged fics ... We need more!!

27,220 words, 11/11 chapters

Really good at being good at goodbyes by ferret_in_a_lake

This one hasn't updated in a while, but !! Very interesting concept! I look forward to when the author makes a come back w it!! Basically, it's if everyone died except Cale and the kids and god of death sends them back in time to fix it !! Parental Eruhaben!!!

*the author does have a note saying that they might not update or finish this though

13,276 words, 1/? chapters

This time around by thisisvee

This is probably one of my top faves that I look forward to them updating the most!! It updated yesterday and I screamed fjdkfkd

But it's basically, krs wakes up as Cale Henituse's son and you see Cale from his pov!! Cale is .. misunderstood (imo), and each chapter you find out more and more about why he behaves a certain way and hidden trauma!!

**references to SA, there's some memories?? I'd say past grooming?? Cale's getting better though!! Make sure to read the tags .

I really love this one because of the way the bond between Eytan (this is krs' new name) and Cale!!

42,730 words, 19/? chapters

For my past, a tribute from your future self by chatartic_chaos

This one is if Cale is sent to the future!! But he wakes up .. in a coffin, and how the others react!!

12,606 words, 6/? chapters

Dive deep (too deep) by cywscross

This one is about Cale's ability, record, and how he overuses it sometimes and it triggers a response >:)

5,445 words, 1/1 chapters

Poison in my veins (sacrifice in my bones) by cywscross

THIS !!! THIS ONE IS A MUST READ!! this one is if Cale gets poisoned and it specifically targets people w ancient powers!!! UUUGHH THE WHUMP!!!! IT HURT SO GOOD!!!!!!! I think you should just.. dive right in. Get hurt.

13,045 words, 1/1 chapters

Big shoes (little footprints) by hurricanelights

This is another deaged Cale fic where they get lil krs!! I gotta reread it but from what I remember it was smth like everyone knows him for being a certain way (strong, giving, resilient, etc) but they learn of his past where he was smaller, weaker, and he what he went through!!

70,659 words, 17/17 chapters

Rebirthia=protocol/. by mishamoonberry

THIS ONE IS IF CALES HEART STOPS BEATING EVERY TIME HE USES AN ANCIENT POWER!!!!! DELICIOUS!!!! AAHHGHHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAGHHGHHHHH!!!!!! Just go... Go read it.

22,752 words, 1/1 chapters

Peace? ㅋㅋㅋ aka Kim Rok Soo's Chaotic Past Reaction by redcosmos

Eheheje just as the title says!! Reaction fic to his past >:)

6,545 words, 4/10 chapters

Bastards by kariselverrie

This one is if ogcale was brought back to the past, but at the same time, krs is transmitigated in as his twin brother !!

35,912 words, 16/? chapters

Meteor showers by mini_asteroid

This one... Honestly hurt my feelings. Its kinda like... Raon goes out on an adventure, but he forgets how quick time passes.

2,863 words, 1/1 chapters

Dandelion's latibule by senaria

This... UuYgGGhh this one is if Cale loses everyone and goes back in time to fix it, but tries to keep a distance... uuuUUGghhh. It harmed me!!!

41,432 words, 17/? chapters

The ghost in the well by commandercale

This one is if things went wrong and Cale died, but then he wakes up as tboah cale !! Except he's a ghost stuck in a well.

**it can be triggering?? Because there's some scenes that reference his torture and I'm p sure his corpse is mentioned a bit ??

14,582 words, 10/10 chapters

Kim rok soo's guide to survival by pendwelling

This one !! I love this one a lot! It's kinda like if krs is put into Choi Han's shoes ??? As in he wakes up in the forest >:)

I love his interractions w lil ogcale!! And the meeting between him and the Molran's!!

This one hasn't updated in a while, but I am patiently waiting !!!

25,761 words, 4/? chapters

In accordance by pheenick

This!!! Ughhh!!! This one is if ogcale was a regressor and he's trying to change things, and sometimes he doesn't. I loved seeing him lose hope!!! Hmm a comparison... This is kind of like kagerou project - heat haze days !!! He dies and it restarts in the same spot and no one else remembers!!! UUUGGHHH!!!! LOVE

19,301 words, 2/2 chapters

And haha... Maybe.. you can check out my stuff ..? 🫣

Puppy teeth is abt Ron and Vicross having to watch ogcale lose himself in his own grief ?? There's a follow up fic called 00:00 !!

You're still a traitor is from basen's pov of his relationship w ogcale!! He resents him, but he loves him.

With a passing rain is w Cale and the kids and they make some memories !! :D

Wow... 24 recommendations ... Oop

But if anyone else has some recs, feel free to drop them in the replies or smth!!

[molter-writes]

MOLTER!!!!!!!! your fics have me going absolutely feral

I started off reading love is complicated and then I consumed all your other fics because they've all been so good, and so different from each other, they all seem so fresh and full of life

grey ridge- it has to be my favorite out of all of them, I'm kind of a sucker for ceo rhaenyra, but can we talk about alicent in this fic???? she is so good??! I disliked Otto in this (as one does) but the flashbacks that happened made me understand him a lot more and, although I don't think they redeemed him for me, it really shows how three-dimensional you made him. the happiness that R+A have in this is really what makes it for me - and I really like Harwin and Erryk as supporting characters, they stood out to me as faves

song of the exposition- there's that argument that alicent has with rhaenyra in grey ridge at the cocktail party in ch 5 where she expects Rhaenyra "to answer rejection with rejection, like she used to, when they were younger" and it's kinda cool to see a glimpse of their younger-selves before they finished growing up

ride the dragon (do it quickly)- I really like this one! especially how it is the closest to canon, it's nice to have "what could have been" type thing when one inevitably thinks about how the show/book ends with these two. the second chapter from daeron's perspective was really great, I imagine it must have been fun to write! I like how not everything isn't perfectly resolved at the end of ch. 1, the messiness of it, if you will, adds a sense of realism I enjoy with it

leaf and blade- this is the one I read last out of all of them bc I wasn't sure what to think of a teacher au, but it's sooo good, it's one of my faves (which is hard to say when all 6 are my faves!) syrax being a lizard is so great and funny and ur so right that this really is a summer fic with the way that it reads. I really love the kindness in this fic and it's hard to read about Rhaenyra and her struggles with her inheritance+future but it's also so good to read at the same time? I don't know how you do that but it's so incredible to read

love is complicated- the first fic of yours that I read!!!! it is such an Immense, richly-packed fic that I honestly struggle with what to say about it because there are so many little details that I'd like to comment on. I love Alicent's big sad wet brown eyes and this fic defo provides that, but Rhaenyra is so sweet in this to Alicent and I just love them both in this, I also really like the little boardgame group they have going on and I sure as hell like Laena a lot more in this than in bodhrán beat, but all of the friends (and brothers) in this are really good!!

bodhrán beat- umm modern royals? it goes so hard! I can't find it in myself to hate Rhaenyra in this for cheating on Alicent bc you're sooo good at characterization that I can really understand the difficulties that both of them are going through in this. I really liked the part with teenage Rhaenyra spending time at Rheanys' house. I am putting my heart in your hands, trusting that it will all turn out in the end

Thank you so much for writing dude, I've really, really love your works and super appreciate all the time and work you put into them

insanely generous insanely caring simply insane i wish i could thank you by name and the way you deserve

[archive-of-the-lost]

𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐁𝐒𝐃 𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐞! —@shytastemakerthing

Backstory:

Your early childhood wasn't bad, when you think about it. Loving parents, comfortable home. You had nice food to eat and went to a good school where you had a few good friends. You got along with the neighbor's daughter too, a girl as shy as you named Louisa. It was fun, playing with her every Saturday. Perhaps it was just you and your personality, born to be chained to melancholy and rumination. Every awkward thing you said, mistake you made, every failure. You couldn't stop thinking about them, wishing you had said something else or done it differently. Year after year, your mistakes piled up in your head, eating away at you. You hardly noticed when your parents' love went cold, when they stopped laughing at the dinner table and started staring at each other like strangers, like they couldn't see each other. No, that's not right. You did notice. You noticed and chose not to say anything. They already fought enough on their own, there was no need for you to involve yourself. It's much better to hide in your room, under your soft, warm blankets and immerse yourself in fantasy stories. Your parents' discontent with each other rose and rose until it reached a climax, in the form of a shouted question at you. "Your mother or me? Choose who you want to live with!" Your father yelled as he furiously packed his bags. You can't even remember what they were arguing about this time. Your mind raced. There was nothing you could say to remedy the situation, nothing that would satisfy both of them at once. The bag was zipped shut violently. Your father gave you a long, hard look. Then scoffed and left the house. You turned to your mother, seated by the empty dining table. She didn't look back, staring blankly outside the window. You couldn't take it anymore, running out as well to your neighbor's house. You slept in Louisa's bed that night. You remember crying into her sweater, her hands running soothingly through your hair as she mumbled that everything would be okay. You remember ruminating late into the night. What if you had said something, anything? Would things be different? Could you have made your father stay? Eventually, you fell into a restless sleep, dreaming of a world where your parents still loved each other.

Ability: The Wind in the Willows

Your ability is very special. You are aware of every alternate reality within the Book, though what you can see is limited to what your alternate self within the alternate reality experiences. Whenever you sleep, whether it be a short nap or the ideal 8 hours per night, you dream of one of your alternate selves at random, seeing whatever she sees. You can also manipulate these alternate realities by temporarily "possessing" your alternate self as long as you're asleep and doing something she would not have done otherwise, causing a butterfly effect. As you grow older, you find that you've visited certain realities multiple times, the ones seemingly closest to the physical reality you live in outside the Book. The timing of your visits aren't linear either. Sometimes you're older in an unknown future, sometimes you're younger, living a childhood you didn't experience. Your ability allows you to know when a new reality has been created within the Book, as you dream of it immediately, indirectly letting you know when someone has written something within its pages. With how little is known about the Book, there are many people and organizations in the world that would love to utilize your ability. Be careful with who knows.

Allegiance to: The Guild

When Fitzgerald became leader of the Guild and began making plans to search for the Book in Yokohama, Louisa decided it would be a good time to recruit you into the Guild. She is your childhood best friend. If anyone were to know about your ability, it's her. You told her about it after you figured out what the strange dreams you had been having meant, thinking that your ability wasn't that useful after all. You never would have expected Louisa to visit your home personally to recruit you into the Guild, promising good money for any information you can offer on the Book. You couldn't offer any information really, but Fitzgerald hired you anyway to be a very well-paid assistant (mostly as moral support for the shy and socially anxious Louisa, but he didn't tell either of you the truth). Like many of the other members of the Guild, you found yourself going along with Fitzgerald's plans while not really understanding what he was trying to do, as so little was known about the Book. You were being paid thousands of dollars to organize and deliver files though, and sometimes communicate orders to members of the Guild; not a bad deal overall, so you went with it. As for the Book itself, though your ability was closely tied to it, you didn't care for it much. It was a stranger to you as much as you were to it.

Best friend: Louisa May Alcott

Her parents and your parents were friendly with each other, and decided to arrange a playdate for the both of you in hopes that you both would get along. Your personalities are quite similar, being shy and extremely introverted. The first time your parents brought you over to your neighbors' house, you couldn't talk to Louisa even if you wanted to because she hid in the kitchen for most of your visit (she would have hid in her room, but her mother forbid her from going into her room during your visit unless you went in with her). The next time you visited, you brought a book with you since the only child there wasn't willing to entertain you. Funny enough, after seeing you read on the couch while the adults talked with each other, that's when she tried approaching you. She's a book lover herself, so upon seeing a shared interest with you, she thought it wouldn't be so bad to try talking to you. A simple "what are you reading?" was enough to kickstart a conversation with you. From there, your friendship with her was sealed. Like you, she's only close with a few people, you being one of them. She's very happy to have you working in the Guild with her. You're the only one she talks to besides Fitzgerald. She's not immune to the occasional bouts of loneliness and homesickness, but you being close to her prevents that.

Relationship with:

Edgar Allen Poe

Edgar considers you a fellow wallflower, feeling a sense of kinship with you. It took a long time for you both to talk to each other, with the both of you disliking being around other people. But by bonding over your shared love of books, it wasn't hard for you both to like each other and get along well. His interest in novels is mostly limited to mystery novels, so if you enjoy that genre too, he could talk to you non-stop. He wouldn't mind listening to you tell him about your favourite novels of other genres either, particularly interested in hearing about the thriller and apocalyptic genre. He also wouldn't find your interests strange like others might. He's happy to have met someone that has an interest in decomposition processes actually. He's a mystery writer after all! Decomposition and murder mysteries go hand in hand. He would love discussing your strange interests with you, eager to talk about murder methods with you if you're up for it. If anyone not from the Guild overheard your whisperings, they would be quite disturbed.

Howard Phillips Lovecraft

Perhaps due to your interest in disturbing things, you were drawn to Lovecraft, finding him extremely mysterious and intriguing. Most of the other Guild members found his "ability" disturbing. In contrast, you wanted to see his eldritch form up close as many times as possible, even his partial eldritch form during the rare times when he was in the process of transforming. If either or both of your two friends were nearby, they made sure to pull you away, despite how terrified they were and how you insisted Lovecraft wasn't planning on hurting you. You also tried to talk to him multiple times in his human form, braving through your shyness in hopes of getting to know him. His personality is just as strange as his "ability", so it's unlikely that you were able to understand him very well before the Guild disbanded. However, the cryptic advice he gave you during your brief conversations with him still remain in your mind to be pondered before falling asleep every night.

Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald

You weren't close with him during your time at the Guild, thinking of him as just your boss, finding him somewhat intimidating even. After the Guild war and Fitzgerald's disappearance, you were nervous about having to find an actual job. But to your surprise, Louisa approached you again to invite you to join her in finding your defeated leader. You weren't attached to Fitzgerald like her, but you did think of her as family, so you decided to go along. It wouldn't hurt if Fitzgerald was able to offer you a well-paying job again too. You and Louisa found him in the slums eventually, and Louisa was able to convince him to become your leader and try acquiring the Book again. After clearing Eckleburg's name and acquiring Manhasset Security, Fitzgerald offered you another job, again as a simple assistant with a high pay, to reward you for your loyalty. As long as you continue to follow Louisa, you'll end up following him too. But this time, after seeing him at his lowest and regain his strength again with Louisa's and your support, you feel closer to him.

Nakajima Atsushi

He first met you when he went to Fitzgerald for help, during the time when the ADA was being accused of terrorism. Due to the nature of your ability, you knew that the ADA aren't terrorists despite what was written on the page of the Book. You knew as you dreamt of the unaltered reality that would have happened if nothing had been written on the page. Atsushi didn't know you, but he was touched to hear you say you believed him, that you knew the truth. After the war, he went out of his way to search for you again, wanting to get to know you more. He was happy to find that you both get along well! Atsushi is on the friendlier side, so talking with him wasn't so difficult for you as he did the initiating. It's also thanks you him that you met your special someone later on~

Your ideal match is…Sigma!

Given your introversion, type D personality and selectiveness when it comes to the people you're close with, I thought it would be best to match you with someone more normal and well-adjusted(?). With the candidates narrowed down to a mere handful, I decided Sigma would be the best match for you. He would feel drawn you without really knowing why. It might just be fate, given that the both of you are connected to the Book. Fate or not, he would easily feel a sense of kinship with you if he were to learn about your ability, relating to the feeling of being used only for one's ability (the Guild treats you well but... Other organisations might not be so nice).

♡ Sigma is also more introverted and reserved like you, but knows how to look confidant and talk to people given his job as manager of the Sky Casino. He often stays close to you in social situations like parties, wanting to make sure you aren't feeling uncomfortable. If you're bored, you can talk to him! If someone else approaches the both of you and tries to make conversation, he wouldn't mind doing most of the talking if you don't feel like talking. Still, he makes sure to watch you closely to notice when you're planning to chime in, or when you want to be included in the conversation. How attentive.

♡ Food is probably one of Sigma's minor love languages. He doesn't like feeling hungry, so he snacks as frequently as he can. He would hate for you to feel hungry too, so he often makes sure you're eating well. And if you aren't, he'll bring you some food. He often treats you to meals, sometimes bringing you to restaurants you've never been to before to see if you'll like them. Tea party dates are also common between the two of you, where you both talk over a pot of tea and plate of cookies. He would enjoy calming lavender tea a lot too.

♡ Sigma doesn't know how to cook, and didn't feel the need to learn until he saw you enjoy yourself while making a snack. He doesn't really have any hobbies (previously having spent all of his time memorizing his customer's information, hardly a fun hobby), so he thought he'd try cooking out and see if he likes it as much as you do. So he started helping you out in the kitchen whenever you take the time to cook. Mostly prep work, then watching you do the actual cooking. It's part of the learning process! He's happy to watch actually, fascinated and entranced by your movements. Maybe that's his hobby instead.

♡ Your love languages align quite well! The more Sigma likes someone, the more time he'll want to spend with them. He's fine with just being in your presence while you both do your own thing, but he also likes talking to you, wanting to know everything about you that you're willing to share. He also likes giving and receiving affection (he'll get flustered if you point it out), just not in public. Like with the casino, he's very protective and almost possessive of the things he can call his. So he can be quite clingy towards you, especially when he feels upset about something. The fastest way to calm him down is hold him.

Ship tropes:

shy and introverted (you) x ambivert shield (him)

kindred spirits

"I'm yours" (you) x "you're mine" (him in a reverent way)

Classical music, reading side by side, drinking tea together, cuddling up on the couch under a blanket, hanging onto each others' arms, he wraps his scarf around you when you're feeling cold outside in the winter, feeling comfortable around each other like with no one else, helping each other through insecurities, comforting love, the couple everyone knew would get together

A/N: ♡ Many of the abilities in BSD manifesting from trauma allows for me to write an angsty backstory and tie it to your assigned ability. Hope you enjoyed it. It's the longest backstory I've ever written too.

♡ The name of your ability is taken from the book "The Wind in the Willows" by British writer Kenneth Grahame. The reason? Well. It was the closest thing I could find to the ability I had in mind for you after searching up "english classic novels". A direct name for your ability would be "alternate reality manipulation". There's a lot about your ability and its potential that you don't know of yet.

♡ I'll be honest... I don't understand the Guild. It's role isn't as clear cut as the ADA or PM. As far as I can tell, Fitzgerald took over and started using the Guild's resources to look for the Book for his own personal reasons. Sorry if my interpretation of the Guild is wrong. 😭

♡ So much of this work is story, I'm surprised. I don't usually write this much plot into matchups. I hope you like plot in your matchup?

[shit-taster-connoisseur]

BOO!

Haha, Did I Scare Ya?

Anyways I Noticed That You’re Looking For Some Silly Questions, So Your Wish Is Granted Mate!

A Simple One Of Course, What Are Your Thoughts/Opinions About One Of The Villains Such as The Interesting Twins?

JXJDB sure did

These guys, are by far my favorite villians, also im sucker for sibling dynamics

Wished they were taken more seriously, but won't deny some of their episode were my favorites by far (especially OP T.R.I.P). Less because of the gags they thrown them in, but rather we do finally see glimpses of their own personalities cause up until then there rlly wasnt much on them besides them failing and falling out a whole damn window all the time xxbdj honestly, that calls into question how resistant these guys are holy shit

The sister(if anyone got any name suggestions for them plz tell so I can steal them too/j), is fed UP, and I love her for it, cause with the amount of shit she's face i'd go fucking insane too. I vote we should give her gun, all her problems would be solved/j but actually, i enjoy that she's a little shit, impulsive, arrogant, etc, but i think it kinda stems from a fear of failure because how else would they've been known as father's bestest spies? Sector V had knocked down a pedestal, and that fucks with her head, but then their failures began to pile up and now she's becoming increasingly desperate to prove that she's still somehow #1– in turn she because implusive, impatient, etc. Sbe 100% cares for her brother, so at the same time she feels like she's dragging him down, it all piles on. Maybe a vaca would do her some good.

The brother, I absolutely adore him – tbh I adore both of them equally. He seems more like the younger of the two in terms of personality, we seem always following his sister's lead despite how irrational it could be. His loyalty and compassion to her is something that kinda pushes him to being my fav twin spot, cuz well im a sucker for good brother characters. And despite his more "softer" attuide compared to his sister's, they're both evil and flawed equally on the same level ‐ mo manipulation or pressure(well kind), nah-da. As the brother is just as implusive, selfish, and arrogant, but he hasn't let their failure get to his head just yet – in turn, he has more clearer head than his sister, so he ends becoming a voice of reason than a leader.

(Readmore cuz this is long jdbdb)

It's pretty popular theory that they're delightful, which is something I think about a LOT when it comes to their characters. And a bit more headcanon here: their non-delightful selves are still conscious, as to me(inspired heavily by my SS au with a friend), being delightful serves as just a filter for kids. Kinda like you feel the urge to chuck a plate, but because you're delightful, it's like a parasite keeping your hands folded in your lap, controlling your behaviors and words.

And they both don't like that their delightful-selves are fighting against old comrades because they were probably ex-KND operatives. perhaps got caught during a mission in Father's mansion, and faded to obscurity in KND history. Either that, or maybe they were father's first delightful experiments? Before the DCFDTL? Maybe that's why they aren't as insync as the DCFDTL, cuz you'd think them being related by blood would strength that bond.

Honestly, i just want an AU where they're happy:))

More headcanons:

Lesbian/Gay solidarity and hostility

They are the entire Evelyn Evelyn album(or not idk, havent listen to it in awhile)

If they ever do end up being undelightfulized, they'd have vastly different asthetics out of spite. Not sure which ones yet

They'd marathon Saturday morning cartoons to get the full childhood experience!!

They consider the DCFDTL sort like cousins, a familial connection is there at least

They're presumed missing, so they live alone in a house bought by Father. They're able to split the chores usually, but the Brother is the better cook between them, so the sister just does the dishes.

Alternatively they also live in Father's mansion, but because they keep falling out of windows at comical heights, they're in bed rest planning their next schemes, therefore more out the way

If they got turned into animals, they'd probably be panthers or owls idk

(Lord save me it's nearly 1am on a school might xmsb)

[a-friendly-fangirl]

Random thoughts on We're in Love (or "Your average Italian girl has had an awful week and Boygenius' love saves her ass again"):

So, I've been listening to the Boys and to their solo stuff the whole week (for the past 5 months, to be honest... but who's counting?) and I've been going crazy lately for the beauty of We're in Love.

I think we can all acknowledge that that song is one of the greatest songs in "The Record" and one of the best ever written. And then I started bawling, when my mind got stuck on its lyrics and realised just how heartbreaking and beautiful it is.

This will be kind of my personal analysis (also inspired by some suggestions here and there... thank you to all the geniuses around that have noticed certain things. I wish I could write down all your names, but my memory is awful), so if you disagree with it or feel the need to add something, do it. I'd be happy to meet more Boygenius fans!

Ok, I'd like to begin with the third and fourth line of the first verse, where Lucy sings: "I don't need the symbol of a scar/ So put down the knife, we're not swapping blood". And yet, in "The film", Julien still takes a blood oath with the young versions of Lucy and Phoebe. I think that this was such an interesting choice to make, considering the difference between the words and the actions. This actually makes sense though, when underlining that 20$ is Julien's song and these words belong to Lucy.

Julien, as her solo albums readily witness, has no real problem with hurting herself ('Cause I'm so good at hurting myself - Brittle Boned) both physically and psychologically. We also know, from 20$, that she does believe in being connected to Phoebe and Lucy in every universe or life (In another life we were arsonists). Lucy does too with them (And I told you of your past lives; In the next one [life], will you find me? - We're in Love). Same goes for Phoebe, even though it's a little more subtle with her. In fact, more than believing in other lives, she seems to believe in changing herself in the present life, so much that, even though Emily I'm Sorry is her song, she has decided to sing it with her best friends, because, maybe, she'd rather be someone that can be loved by them in particular and not someone only Emily "could want".

To better understand the scar line/imagery, I think it important to notice that Julien doesn't take the blood oath with her adult friends but with their younger selves. In my opinion, it's like a machine has brought them in Julien's universe or timeline to help her get out of her home, which, listening to her music, is a synonym of recovery or at least of a better state of mind (in Go Home and Please Stay, it is quite clear: "I wanna go home, I'm sick", while in Graceland Too she finally gets out once she's feeling better). But, not belonging there (and we know they don't thanks to Julien's surprised expression when she sees little Phoebe), pehaps she's afraid that she'll lose them once they're done with the car, therefore asking them to do that oath. Childhood scars never fully leave us, so Julien might be convinced that it'll help adult Phoebe and Lucy to remember her, once they meet as intended or hoped.

When you think about it, the layers here are so many that it's scary. Scars have always at least a touch of negativity, even when you get them for something not negative per se (I have so many scars I got from running around as a child...), because they always follow pain. Julien and Phoebe have dealt with it their whole life and have actively put themselves through it more than once, so of course Julien chooses to use a knife (which also brings us back again to Please Stay: "The hunting knife you kept by your bed". I don't think the mention in We're in Love is a coincidence) against herself if it means being sure Phoebe and Lucy know it's her. But Lucy stops her for two main reasons:

Julien won't have to wait for them to find her, because she and Phoebe will, according to Lucy, be the ones going to her, if they want to (Will you find me?);

Instead of remembering each other through something painful, they could use the happy and positive memories they've shared in this life. Lucy once again wants to do everything in her power to dismantle her friends' self-destructive tendencies and replace them with something good (even the "happy" in Letter to an Old Poet was her suggestion).

Moving on to the next lines (Isn't it enough that we stripped down to our skin?/ Cold and porcelain like bathers in a painting), the beauty of this specific portrait delivered by Lucy kind of proves the point just made. Saying that the skin is "cold" and "porcelain" delivers a poetic image of extreme fragility that could be both literal or figurative and it shows just how much they trust each other. What Lucy appears to be pointing out is that she doesn't need any more pain to believe they're in love with each other, since they've already done the great sacrifice of showing themselves when they were most vulnerable (something they're still learning to do, according to recent interviews).

In Lucy's specific case (And I told you of your past lives, every man you've ever been/ It wasn't flattering, but you listened like it mattered), I'd go as far as to think that she did that by letting Phoebe and Julien listen to the stories of her past friendships or even relationships, telling them whom she had had by her side before them. She sings that that tale wasn't flattering: why? If I had to express myself on that, I'd guess, by her albums, that, just like any other human being, even Lucy has had a lot of troubled bonds with people she might have wrongly thought were as true and loyal to her as the Boys are now (take Strange Torpedo, Nonbeliever or Brando as examples). My personal take on this part is that she hasn't tried to tell Phoebe and Julien who they've been in the past, but to confess them who had had their roles in her life previously, feeling perhaps embarassed by it. But they're in no way bored or mad at her for that, listening, however, "like it mattered" (quoting True Blue: "It doesn't matter anymore", 'cause they're together now, but it is still important to her that they are paying attention to this part of her story).

She also admits being open to them about her own insecurities, especially the fear of being or seeming crazy (I feel crazy in ways I never say/ Will you still love me if it turns out I'm insane?/ I know what you'll say, but it helps to hear you say it anyway), making herself vulnerable by exposing this side of her she usually keeps hidden in hope of being reassured by them, which they've probably done a thousand times already.

Long story short, coming to the end of the first chorus: Lucy loves and values them for the trust they've put in each other and no scar will ever match that feeling. I have a lot more to say about the rest of the song, but this is mostly me ranting about it, so I'll see how it goes. Sorry for all of this :P

[fatuismooches]

a lesson in conversation.

Kabukimono was becoming more and more human by the day. Were it not for the puppet joints on his body, anyone would have thought he was a real human. However, there was one thing he still struggled with.

Conversation.

He did enjoy talking to other humans, but unfortunately, sometimes he did not follow along properly. Sometimes he did not understand when someone was joking or not. He may not understand the figurative language one might use. (You clearly remember the day he came home and asked you what Niwa meant by the statement “Kabukimono’s like an open book!” How does he have any resemblance to a book?) He may not know what to talk about, having had a very different life from a human’s, and his own interests being different from their own.

Such were the troubles of the young puppet. But you were here for him, as well as assisting him with his conversation skills. You were happy to help him, but you were also happy to have a set portion of time for just talking to your lover. And now was one such time. 

“Well, hello there, love,” you giggled as the first thing Kabukimono did when he came through the door was hug you from behind. “Welcome home.”

“I’m back,” he mumbled into your clothes as he tightened his grip around you. 

“Looks like someone’s tired,” you observed, reciprocating his embrace. “Still hard at work, I see,” you smiled at him in encouragement. Ever since you were attacked that one time, Kabukimono had taken up an interest in swords, and Niwa and Katsuragi had begun to train him every day. Though the puppet did not enjoy violence, he had come to realize that sometimes it was necessary… for protection, at least. You weren’t sure of your feelings when you found out he was beginning to realize the cold truths of this world.

You’ve even heard that he performed a sword dance. But when you asked him to perform it for you, he said that he wanted to master it with perfection before showing you the final product. You smiled and said you were rooting for him, making him blush.

“I’m going to protect you, [Name], that’s why!” Kabukimono resolutely declared as he let go of you and smiled. You found his determination cute.

“I know you will, love. I’m counting on you,” you winked. “Now, why don’t you go get changed? I’ll get the bath ready,” you patted him on the back and sent him along his way while you began to prepare the tub. A nice warm bath would surely soothe the aches and pains he had.

You and Kabukimono had been in a relationship for a long time now, and baths together had begun to become normal. It has taken a while, as showing your lover your body was a huge step in the relationship and a very intimate thing in general. Even Kabukimono understood the meaning of such a thing, initially being shy at first too. But now he had grown to love it, liking the feeling of you washing him and vice versa.

And now the two of you were together in the tub, soap and rag in hand as you cleaned him first. His long hair had been tied up in a bun, which he looked really cute in. His normally flawless skin had a few bruises on it from sword-fighting, but they would heal in no time, being a puppet and all. Kabukimono was going on about what happened during his training, but then he started recounting a conversation that only added to his speaking woes.

“When the three of us were taking a break, Niwa and Katsuragi started talking about how I reminded them of their younger selves.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?” You asked as you made sure his body was coated in soapy foam.

“It was! I liked hearing about their stories from the past. But then they started talking about a bunch of things I didn’t understand… and then other people started joining in and saying a lot of confusing things about things from so long ago,” Kabukimono sighed, before his voice dropped to a low tone. “And… and to make it worse, I don’t have anything nice to say about my past like the rest of them,” he confessed softly. You didn’t respond immediately, instead calming him with your soft touches.

“Maybe you need to move the conversation in another direction,” you replied thoughtfully as you washed out the soap with water.

“But how? Everyone was so happy reminiscing about their past… I don’t know how I could change it from that,” Kabukimono fell back into your chest, sloshing the water around. “It’s… awkward, I think. Is that the correct word?” You smiled and nodded, moving the wet strands from his face.

“Well, perhaps try talking about the future next time,” you suggested.

“The future?”

“The past is something we can only look back on, but the future is something we can build together. Despite the circumstances in the past and present, one can always look forward to the future. The future is changeable, at the very least.” The puppet seemed to be thinking about your statement. “Do you have anything you want to do in the future, Kabukimono? Any plans?”

“Plans?” He echoed. To be honest, Kabukimono hadn’t exactly thought about that stuff. He was already very caught up with living day by day with you. As long as he had you, he thought, he didn’t particularly care about what happened. Living life like this forever would be his ideal future. You were, quite literally, his world. However, Kabukimono knew he couldn’t say that to Niwa and the others. He’d come to learn that constantly talking about how much one loves their partner all the time wasn’t something most people did…

“I don’t think so, [Name],” Kabukimono decided on that response. “At least not yet,” he quickly added, not wanting to sound idiotic. You merely chuckled as you continued to hold him in your chest.

“Well, that’s okay. You still have lots of time to figure out what you want to do. And sometimes you don’t need to talk in a conversation. You can just enjoy yourself by listening to others. I’m sure the others would be happy to help you think about any possible plans.”

“What about you? Do you have any plans for the future?” The only thing Kabukimono knew, was that he wanted to be part of them, whatever they were.

“Me? Maybe when the time comes, I want to go see the other nations.” This made him perk up a bit. He too, wanted to see the world, after being mostly confined to his creator’s dark workshop, a lonely domain, and then the small village.

“You mean, all the places we’ve read about in the books? Mondstadt and Sumeru and Snezhnaya?”

“Yup! And Fontaine and Liyue and Natlan too!” You shared in his excitement. “We can listen to the bards play their poems and tunes, drink a cup of Sumeru’s special coffee, perhaps watch a trial in Fontaine… it would be so much fun,” you sighed dreamily, adoring the thought of such a fun vacation. You just didn’t think about the money aspect though.

“But would we be okay in Snezhnaya, though? I still don’t understand how people survive in that kind of climate.”

“Ah, you still haven’t seen snow, have you? Well, I guess we’ll have to visit Dragonspine before we go there then, to get you accustomed.” Oh, you couldn’t help but imagine the curious expression on his face once the eccentric felt a drop of snow melt on his nose.

The two of you chatted more about these plans, which probably seemed a bit unrealistic and impossible for the likes of you, but it was comforting in a way. To plan the future with the person who’d be with you for the rest of your life.

“You know, once you leave this tiny village, you’ll meet all sorts of people. No person will ever be the same as the next.”

“That’s amazing! I want to learn all about them. Do you think they’ll be as nice as the people in the village? Or are they like those bad guys?”

“That’s… hard to say. You’ll just have to learn to navigate your way through people, both good and bad.” Kabukimono nodded his head in understanding.

“And I’ll have you too, [Name]!”

“Yes, and me,” you smiled as you kissed his cheek. “But you know, you might meet someone better than me eventually-”

Before you could finish your sentence, Kabukimono interrupted you. “That’s not true. No one could ever be as wonderful as you,” the puppet interjected wholeheartedly. He really did mean that with every ounce of his being. Not even the Gods themselves could compare to you, in his honest opinion. “You’ve taught me so many different things. I don’t think I’d know anything without you! You’re the only person I want to be with. No one else, ever.” It seemed like he was pretty passionate about this.

“… That’s reassuring to hear, Kabukimono.” And then a silence overtook the bathroom. Although the two of you had been in the bath for far too long, neither of you felt like getting out, for that meant that this moment would end. Though you wanted to show your love even more.

You then kissed the Electro symbol on the back of Kabukimono’s neck, something that always made him stiffen for a few seconds no matter how many times you did it. It was a sensitive spot, both mentally and physically. A reminder of who he truly was, his unerasable past. Yet, somehow, he could hear your unspoken words. That though his past will always be a part of him, the future is his path to coming to terms with it and accepting who he is. His path to make his life to be what he wants it to be, no longer needing to worry about what a God wanted for him. 

“Regardless, I look forward to the future with you, my dearest love. I know there is much good and happiness to come, Kabukimono,” you gently wrapped your arms around his chest, lovingly holding him in your embrace. You did not comment on the tears flowing down his face, allowing him to let out his emotions freely.

The puppet never really understood his creator’s ceaseless pursuit of eternity, but now that he has you, a person to come home to every day, a person who will comfort him during his times of worry, sadness, happiness, fear, and more, a person who will have the most meaningful conversations and also idle chit-chat with him, he is beginning to understand her motive. He does want this to last forever. Even if it’s just the same routine every day, Kabukimono does not want it to end. He hopes it doesn’t.

However, no matter how one fights against it, eternity will not last forever. People are ever-changing, and everything comes to an end, eventually. Such is the nature of life, something the puppet will come to learn soon.

lesson 1. lesson 2. lesson 3. lesson 4. lesson 5. lesson 6. lesson 7. lesson 8. lesson 9. lesson 10. bonus lesson.

[wutheringheightsfilm]

I see untamed on my dash a lot. You obviously like it... But would you recommend it to someone who knows nothing about it?

YEEEESSS i WOULD!!!

okay let me sit down and be serious. the untamed, for all that it may be goofy--the cgi isn't incredible, it's a cdrama and in typical cdrama-esque fashion it can be dramatic in a way that can seem over-exaggerated at times if you're not super familiar with them, you can have whatever opinions about the wigs that you want i know plenty of people do--it is genuinely such a good show. it's won awards. it's a masterclass in acting. like, the main actors are all double cast as younger versions of themselves, and you can see the difference between their younger and older selves so starkly it's incredible. the emotions, the relationships, the layers... it's truly so good i promise. like the first, like, 3 episodes may seem ridiculous, but when it gets going, it's going, and it's excellent.

i can give you a summary if you want:

infamously disgraced necromancer (easiest way to describe this for someone completely unfamiliar) wei wuxian is resurrected after 16 years of being dead, and set on a quest to enact vengeance for the person that resurrected him. while doing that, he's pulled into a murder mystery alongside the man he used to be in love with before he died. parallel to this present day plot, we are also shown just what happened leading up to wei wuxian's death 16 years ago and how exactly he became this infamously disgraced necromancer.

if you've never seen cdramas before, i know some of the terminology they use can be confusing. someone on ao3 made a guide for fanfic writers when it comes to honorifics and names, but i think it's helpful for anyone new to the cdrama wuxia/xianxia genre.

you don't need to read the webnovel this is based on (called the Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation in its official english translation, abbreviated to MDZS [short for the mandarin 魔道祖师 aka Mó Dào Zǔ Shī] by Mo Xiang Tong Xiu) before watching it, because it diverges from novel canon in a lot of places, for better and for worse.

the only thing that you do need to know is that the pairing of Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji is canonical -- they are explicitly bisexual/gay (respectively) in the webnovel, and it's only depicted in the cdrama via subtext. (i refuse to call this queerbaiting, because honestly it's not--we know they're canonically queer and in a relationship in the novel) but my god. it's honestly blatantly text. it's very clear that the cast and crew were dedicated to displaying their relationship as with as much depth as they could, and they all (afaik) read the novel before filming. all of the actors had such an immensely deep understanding of their characters, and it shows. there is literally so much care put into this show that it makes me emotional to think about.

anyways. if you're interested in (vaguely) historical (definitely) fantasy, with slightly cheesy swordfights and bad cgi but every single actor is giving 110% to every single scene, with such a vibrant cast and beautifully intricate character relationships and political intrigue and (slight) critiques of class and war and the dichotomy of good and evil in a very beautifully shot show, you should watch the untamed <3 hehe

you can watch it on youtube for free, as well as on viki (for free, though i know viki isn't in all regions), and on netflix! sometimes the english subtitles aren't the best (for example, the honorific "-gongzi" [used to refer to a young man of status] is frequently translated as "childe" [archaic english] and sometimes characters will use titles (such as "xiongzhang" [formally, 'older brother'] or "shijie" [martial older sister]) and the subtitles will put the character they're referring to's name instead of the title) but it's not like you'll be missing out on plot or anything like that.

if you ever decide to watch, you can definitely let me know and keep me updated! i'd love to know your thoughts hehe.

[telomeke-bbs]

bad buddy fandom getting-to-know-you-meme!

Got tagged by @tiistirtipii at this post here and @inventedfangirling at this post here. Thanks for tagging me! 🥰 (And sorry I've taken so long to respond. 🤦‍♂️)

name and whatever you want to share about yourself

You can call me Tel. I love writing, languages, linguistics, and learning about different cuisines and cultures. I live right in the middle of Southeast Asia.

when did you watch bad buddy/join the fandom?

I started watching Bad Buddy almost from the start, after a friend told me Ohm had a new series out. I went into it pretty blind, not knowing anything at all about its history or genesis. I'd liked Ohm's work in He's Coming to Me and was open to more from him, not thinking the series would be anything more than your run-of-the-mill BL. And was I ever wrong! I think BBS sort of grew slowly on me for the first few episodes, but it really took hold after Nanon's single tear at the end of Ep.4. And I lost it after The Kiss at the end of Ep.5, of course. The no-holds barred obsession really set in after I realized this wasn't any ordinary BL; it works on so many levels and the intelligence with which it was crafted is formidable.

Favourite ship/s

PatPran does it for me.

Favourite character/s

Love them all, but introvert Pran with his protective walls, defensive rituals and surreptitious signposting of his emotional state with doodles and symbols really struck a chord. Pre-Ep.10 Pran was like an extreme version of younger me, I sometimes think.

Favourite episode/s

Episode 11 – I love everything about the beach, and the two of them alone by the sea was like my idea of paradise. But I nodded sagely along when BBS gently pointed out that their beachside idyll was just a temporary respite and that paradise doesn't exist on Earth.

Favourite scene/s

Oof. So many. My all-time favorite is the opening scene of Episode 5 (see this link here for why) because it was layered so deep with meaning and messaging, beneath the happy surface theatrics. I sometimes think of BBS as one giant and intricate puzzle, and if you find and fit together the right puzzle pieces it reveals so much more to you. The amazing thing is that it kept doing this over and over again. Like how many themes and allegories can this one series have? But if you want to disregard all of that and just enjoy it as a well-crafted BL with stellar acting, you can too. And that is also part of its magic.

Some other scenes that still give me the chills:

Deeply-pining Pran looking on at an oblivious Pat sleeping peacefully in Ep.4 [4/4]; I've been there and I know exactly how his heart must have been rent in two at that moment.

The Kiss in Ep.5 of course.

Pat finding out in Ep.10 that Ming wasn't the unimpeachable hero that he thought he was.

Pran missing Dissaya in Ep.11 (this is because I still miss my late mom with all my heart; the grief is going to be a forever guest there I fear – you just learn to pack it away in a box and put it away in a quiet room in your heart, but it breaks free every now and then, just to stare at me silently with its unknowable face).

When Our Song plays in Ep.11 (especially when Uncle Tong does his voiceover and the soaring guitar solo kicks in, and then we see Pat and Pran back in front of their houses, bracing themselves to face their families again).

Ah that award-winning scene on the balconies in Ep.12, when Pat and Pran indulge in a joyful, all-smiles tin-can conversation for old times' sake, play-acting at being strangers, and then dastardly Director Aof toys with our hearts once again and has the music crescendo as he morphs them back into their kiddie selves dressed in the same clothes to show us that the bond between the two scamps had always been there, forged since childhood, and that they were never really enemies throughout it all. And amidst the nostalgia we're suddenly engulfed in a wave of bittersweet emotions imagining all the what-ifs and if-onlys and what-might-have-beens had those poor little tykes not been forced into that meaningless rivalry by their warring parents. But as the camera pans away we hear their young voices piping in the night, still innocent and so full of hope, reminding us that when those two little boys grew up they still managed to find a way to triumph over all the pitiless hurt imposed on them. And how privileged we were to have been able to share in the story of their journey.

One thing you would change about the show if you could

I've thought so much about this show, it's not just one thing. And don't get me wrong; I'm not tearing it down or hurling brickbats at this series I love so much. It just irks the Perfectionist Pran side of me that something so beautiful, deep, intelligent and heartfelt also has its little flaws here and there.

I think they could have done a better job helping us understand how and why PatPran's competitive dynamic launched them so suddenly into the madcap bet in Ep.7. The cinematography was inconsistent in a lot of parts. The English subtitling (especially of Ep.5) could have clarified some things, but instead made them more confusing. And Pat getting shot may have been necessary on an intellectual level, to nod at some trope, theme or other literary preoccupation perhaps. But the narrative didn't really need that moment of conflict and I felt BBS tipped over into unnecessary melodrama at that point.

what are your some of your favorite fanworks made by other people?

I adore the analysis, meta and backgrounding of BBS that you can find on Tumblr. So many intelligent, creative people looking at this show, but those that spring to mind:

@airenyah @bengiyo @chickenstrangers @dribs-and-drabbles @dudeyuri @grapejuicegay @inventedfangirling @kenmakaashi @lovelyghostv @lurkingshan @lurkingteapot @miscellar @neuroticbookworm @pandasmagorica @ranchthoughts @recentadultburnout @waitmyturtles

Fan art also by @hereforlou and @kit-teung. 😍

I've probably forgotten so many others, please forgive me if I have; if I've liked and reblogged your work it means that you've touched me with your intelligence and output and I'm automatically a fan.

What are your favourite fanworks you've made?

I mostly post observations and findings from research about the show, so they're not works of fiction or visual art, just essays really. They're all special to me in different ways, but I lean most to the one that talks about the etymology of Pat and Pran's chue lens, what they mean semantically and what they mean for the series (write-up linked here):

My post about the Ep.1 scene in front of Khun Noppharnach's Pharmacy (linked here) was another one where the pieces of the BBS logic puzzle fell into place in a way that satisfied my gameplaying side:

I'm also chuffed about my location posts (linked here; have identified almost all of them, such is the power of the Internet), finding out that the jeep in khanom jeep dumplings also means to court (linked here), and tracking down Baseball Mom (linked here).

‌

A song that makes you think of BBS (not in the show)

My obsessive mind can't let go of this song (I've written about it several times now) but Never (ไม่เคย) by 25Hours devastatingly captures the quiet grief over losing that special someone in your life (and tells us what Pat must have been going through post-separation from Pran in high school). Pat mentions it at Ep.5 [3I4] 0.35 but it isn't played in the show. I've got it on repeat now, and am well on my way to memorizing the lyrics.

Onward tagging:

@airenyah @bengiyo @chickenstrangers @dribs-and-drabbles @dudeyuri @grapejuicegay @hereforlou @inventedfangirling @kenmakaashi @kit-teung @lovelyghostv @lurkingshan @lurkingteapot @miscellar @neuroticbookworm @pandasmagorica @ranchthoughts @recentadultburnout @waitmyturtles

No pressure to play if you don't want to, or have already done it. But do tag and let the rest of the BBS fandom know if you have responses for us to read! 😍

‌

[msfcatlover]

Me: “Shadow!Steph was kind, gentle, sweet, and polite to people who deserved it. She was very publicly the only member of the Titans without powers, and fuckin’ owned it. She leaned into her accent, and would tear people apart for making assumptions about it. Kids—especially Gotham kids, and especially-especially lower class ones—super looked up to her. She & Duke had safety programs to help the vulnerable, both as charities in their civilian lives and ways to call their hero selves for help when needed (made easier once there was one of them for the day shift & one for the night.) She was so very, very loved by that city, you have no idea.”

Also me: “Shadow!Steph was no less terrifying than Damian. She was a fucking nightmare. She had a proclivity for breaking fingers, threatening people with sharp objects & all the different ways you can seriously mess up someone’s mouth. She would give lectures on how easy it was to shove someone’s nose into their brain, before simply breaking it (giving her victim a single hot second of waiting to die) and pointing out her own ‘kindness’. Everyone in Gotham 100% believes she castrated more than one rapist, and given her tendency for stomping repeatedly very hard once they were already down, a solid argument could be made that she did.”

(It’s just… it’s very important to me that the image of [Steph handing out packs of food with a small child hugging her leg, cheerfully chatting with anyone & everyone about their lives, and walking people home after dark] coexists in your mind with [Steph gripping the jaw of a loan shark with blood pouring from their nose & tears running down their cheeks, forcing their chin up while leaning uncomfortably close, and ordering them to thank her nicely for letting them live]. That you know both are equally likely to happen on any given night, both before & after her resurrection.)

(The Red Hood figure is not just defined by rage, vengeance, and alienation. They are also defined by kindness, protectiveness, and a genuine belief that they are doing the right thing. That desire to be the person their younger self needed, to see no one else end up like they did, and a whole-hearted willingness to soak their hands in blood & tar if it means other victims can sleep better at night. Very importantly, that desire, that kindness, that rage, they’re all there both before death & after resurrection. The core heart of the character doesn’t change, cannot change, the balance just shifts. They just become more extreme in the ends they’re willing to go to and develop a whole host of new hang-ups around trust & control in the aftermath.) (How far can you go, before good intentions turn you into a monster? And what if, sometimes, a monster is what people need? Those are the questions that define a good Red Hood story, IMO.)