#also looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong

[zealsoughtsequesterustanxiedemon]

Thinking about new years resolutions. I usually like making a list with the caveat that I'm not beholden to it. I feel like having exact goals and forcing myself to do them often doesn't work, it just sorta makes me feel worse when I can't do them. I'm self aware enough to feel satisfied about doing something I want without making it a hard goal. So anyways here's a more nebulous ramble of stuff I wanna do in this new year. Less I have to do this and more a direction of what I know will make me happy C:

I wanna cut out the dead time in my schedule. Not like the time I need to rest and do nothing or have pointless conversations with friends; I've learned those are kind of necessary to life. It's okay to not do anything when you feel bad, especially when the reason isn't tangible. No I want to cut to the chase when I'm lollygagging on deciding what to do with my free time, I wanna cut out stuff I just do to pass the time; when I'm not shutting down or not feeling it, I want to intentionally be doing the stuff that I know I'll love. I'm old enough that I know my tastes, I know what I'll like and I should just do it.

I wanna actually get through some of the games that have been on my list for a long time, the classic vns, the recommendations from my friends, etc.

I wanna get back to reading manga. It's a medium I've neglected a lot for the latter half of this last decade. And that's a shame because it's a medium that, when I like it, I'm fucking ravenous for. Shit is so easy to consume, I can do it right in bed and stay up for hours because I'm obsessed.

I wanna read at least a little bit more text. Reading books has often been a struggle for me because of attention issues (always losing my place and reading the same paragraph 14 times, not being able to shut out distracting noises so I have to idle until they stop, during the day I'm too antsy to read, and when it's too late or too early reading isn't stimulating enough for me to not drift off to sleep or get distracted). But there's books I want to read, books I know I'll love, books that have been on my shelf for 5+ years that i just haven't gotten to. Mainly I wanna start actually reading the monogatari LNs. I feel like it'll give me a greater appreciation of the series and open me up to parts of the fandom I feel like I've been cut off from forever. I consider it my favorite series so I wanna embrace every part of it.

I wanna watch anime for myself again. I always feel like I'm not watching any anime, even when i do. I've doing that tried-and-true trick of just watching anime with friends every week for like 7 years that I employed to keep myself from wasting away when i was in that post-college, retail job deep depression. But I've fallen out of watching stuff consistently on my own. I do it sometimes, but its usually when its a show i can obsess over a show w/ my online friends together (love you dis and mattie), but when we don't have that I often don't have the motivation. I wanna watch old stuff and new stuff and my friends' fav animes. I'll finish Aria one day and eventually start watching Lain.

I wanna post my feelings more. I feel like this site has enabled me to do that more than twitter (this itself is kind of an exercise in that), I just haven't gotten into the full swing because I've had poor time management and am still getting used to doing it. I want to express myself more to friends (both new and old). I feel like I'm so bad at managing communication with online friends; never reaching out to hang or initiating conversations. I can sometimes get intrusive thoughts born from jealousy or inferiority that make me feel insecure about some of the closest people I've ever known when the root of the issue is often just being bad at reaching out to them when they're usually free. Also, I just wanna play games w/ my friends more, even if I'm bad at it.

This is a new years resolution, but i wanna work out more. Specifically i wanna get back on that lower body routine I was on. In general I just want to boost my ass and thighs (my ass was never that skinny because i played hockey growing up, but there's potential i could be better exploring) and maybe trim my tummy a lil. I'm not actually all that dissatisfied with where I'm at now: soft at rest, but puffing out my chest will just barely give me that slightly buff look (for a guy) where the chest sticks out a lil bit further than the belly. My ideal is to sorta to be able to do both. I'm not too ambitious in going further than that, but I think I can reach that (or at least maintain where I'm at) if I can get on that basic lower body + cardio routine. Plus it'll get me more excited about cosplaying.

I wanna get more fem clothes and be more comfortable dressing fem around actual people. I want stuff that actually looks good together. I want to be confident enough to go outside in it and feel nice even if people are weird about it. I only went out once in a skirt and it was at 3 am walking down my street and back and i was basically just at critical-level-paranoid the whole time despite there being actually nobody else. It's something I've been interested in forever. I wanna be good at coordinating outfits in general; it's always looked fun, but depression, anxiety, and expectations about nerdy guys have always held me back.

I wanna get more fuckin sex toys. This is not in a down-on-myself-way, but, oddly enough, I'm a little ashamed that I'm a guy so late in my 20s that's explored so little of what I actually do to my body to get off. I should be a pro at rearranging my own guts by now. Like I'm confident in saying masturbating is kind of a hobby for me, I would do it even if I didn't have a sex drive that compels it because it's actually just fun for me. So I should treat it like a hobby where I actually learn about how to better please my body (as well as train it).

I wanna bake more. I can make bread now, I wanna be making that shit almost every week. I wanna bake more cookies. Cookies are one of the foods you can actually send through the mail so that means I cook actually send food out to friends and they could eat it. I could be actually making food for people and not be cagey about it! gotta learn what stuff they might actually like. But also for me. It's so satisfying just to be able to make the things you like, to be self-sufficient in that kinda way. I wanna learn how to cook more in general. There's a sense of control and power where you can just make your favorite things.

I wanna actually try writing fiction/fanfiction. Even if it's gunna be bad and cringe. I envy those who can do it even if it's written like a joke or done badly. I'd love to write stories, either about my own characters or just about my favorite ones from media. Specifically this year I've kinda learned about how good fanfiction can really be even when its sloppy or improvisational or the author doesn't feel good about it or all of the above. It's similar to cooking and baking where it feels like a magic power that you can actually learn how to do in this world.

[lightcreators]

Later.  It  had  always  had  seemed  the  best  manner  of  describing  an  absence,  because,  within  that  word,  there  was  an  following  hope  concerning  how  the  absence  would  be  temporary.  Goodbye  was  an  term  in  which  he  came  one  timeline  and  one  life  ago  in  combo  to  loathing  from  his  entire  being,  since  none  of  them  had  been  done  within  conditions  he  should  have  lived  it.  He  lose  an  brother  without  his  knoweldge,  gain  an  revenge  in  which  he  had  been  imagining  over  an  village,  and  at  this  moment  ---  part  of  his  existence  fallen  apart,  but  cruetly  was  merely  an  foreshadowing  exposed  down  his  face  in  middle  of  his  existence  …  he  would  have  to  get  thought  it  another  time,  inside  most  crueler  manner,  as  observer  of  the  landscape.  There  was  Claude.  It  hadn't  been  him  who  had  say  goodbye  to  him  though  ---  he  didn't  remember  have  managed  to  overcome  that  pain  one  single  time  within  his  old  body.  It  had  been  the  demon  who  decided  to  cut  ties   ---  though  slow  death, slow  suffering,  slow  destruction  of  his  soul  before found another bright sunlight who dissolved in front of his eyes … 

He  had  been  silently  understood,  as  much  circumstances  who  pushed  her  to  be  away  temporary  concerned  family  business,  there  must  be  Thanatos  presence  along  the  way.  It  won't  be  a  surprise  for  someone  wearing  the  God  of  the  Underground  position  as  an  delicate  jacket  on  his  shoulders,  that  he  almost  forgot  that  it  was  a  ceremonial  accessory  and  not  his  identity  …  An  flowery  persona  able  to  eternally  shine  without  outside  water,  welcoming  his  winter  confined  personality  that  could  easily  showing  mockery  over  his  personal  gloom,  generated  sometimes  easily  that  confusion  impression  within  his  mind  ---  understood  too  much  of  something  he  never  had  been  supposed  to  understand  within  that  manner  to  begin  with  …  For  once,  life  had  been  easy  on  him.  Not  too  much  complains,  expected  maybe  at  some  point,  he  would  eventually  asking  to  becoming  the  director  of  Hogwarts  someday,  so  much  he  was  exasperated  to  experiencing  again  and  again  every  corner  of  an  magic  school  for  allowing  an  nice  therapy  for  someone  who  was  interested  by  all  experiences  of  what  ifs  …  Ah,  his  therapy  session  with  his  patient  had  remained  something  in  which  he  was  personally  so  insulted,  and  temporary  confused  about  why,  connected  to  an  unreachable  moonlight,  he  seemed  attracting  that  much  sunlight  personas  (  one  dealing  with  an  big  amount  of  darkness  that  could  burn  everything  around  if  he  wasn't  careful  enough  …  and  one  who  illuminated  the  entire  world,  in  which  really,  among  these  sessions,  eventually,  he  wanted  almost  considering  Victoria  as  his  intimate  Persephone  …  his  patient  matched  also  the  metaphoric  reference,  but  less  than  how  he  was  really  embracing  the  concept  as  a  whole  )  !  Hence,  some  affairs  of  business  would  have  to  be  exposed  without  too  much  pressure  over it.

His  tutor  left  him  experiencing  all  degree  of  his  loneliness.

His  tutor  left  him  experiencing  how  amount  of  reflection.

One  week  when  he  was  travelling  around  and  had  his  work  on  the  Ministy  to  compromise,  it  passed  usually  fast.  He  would  get  lost  over  how  many  days  passed,  and  will  returning  confused  by  the  linearity.  Excepted  a  looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong  day  within  that  magic  school  again  playing  riddles  and  having  once  more  impression  of  condensed  years  in  an  couple  of  minutes,  and  simple  intensive  emotional  conversations  with  an  sun  scared  to  burn  too  much  people,  rest  of  the  days  had  been  lived  in  an  linear  way  …  when  distractions  had  been  poor  to  keep  him  alert.  Someday,  he  would  ask  personally  to  Hades  if  every  sensation  he  was  feeling  during  these  long  months  when  his  life  was  away  were  actually  accurate.  He  had  been  waiting  letters.  Had  been  waiting  to  search  her  within  his  path,  since  considering  he  was  living  inside  an  no-linear  manner,  surprises  could  be  made  along  the  way  …  No,  consideration  had  been  made  to  making  him  experiencing  his  own  personal  winter  in  an  couple  of  days.  He  never  rushed  so  fast  to  exposing  his  face  within  the  human  world  for  an  long  awaited  hello.  As  amusing  it  remained,  expected  for  Hogwarts,  no,  he  didn't  even  taking  these  trains  ever  again  ---  he  didn't  have  to,  he  was  carry  away  like  a  luggage  a  moment  of  second,  when  he  didn't  have  amusingly  to  preparing  whatever  thing  for  the  long  journey  awaiting  for  him.  Remnant  of  nostalgia  perceived  within  his  features,  as  thoughts  about  if,  someday  by  miracle  or  by  whatever  happiness  he  managed  to  get  it,  if  ever  had  a  family  someday  (or  something  similiar  since  he  had  been  adopted  unofficially  by  his  other  figure  of  parentality  )  …  they  would  have  such  moments  together.  Having  his  son  going  somewhere  far  away  of  train.  Maybe  trying  once  more  the  experience  inside  the  human  world,  which  promised  to  be  something.  He  had  been  watching  everyone  else  indifferently,  thinking  that  a  detail  could  help  him  recognize  her.  He  was  pleasantly  happy  they  had  been  aiming  to  the  same  goal  ---  By  the  sound  of  her  voice,  he  understood  she  had  been  trying  to  find  him  in  same  manner,  which  he  helped  greatly  by  distancing  himself  of  the  other  ---  his  position  remained  to  be  mostly  an  observer,  and  he  learned  maybe  bit  too  much  to  staring  at  people  in  silence  with  some  MIB  ---  as  an  laugh  welcomed  his  features  when  he  heard  the  sound  of  her  bags  !  He  will  help  to  wear  later,  he  had  absolutely  nothing  to  do,  and  wanted  to  find  his  dear  Persephone  for  the  moment.  ❝  I  waited  for  you!  ❞  Playfulness  was  appropriate,  immediately  smelling  this  foreign  perfume  on  her,  losing  herself  in  affection  in  a  bright  smile.  ❝  I  missed  you  so  much,  I'm  so  happy  to  have  you  back~  How  was  it?  I  see  you  found  a  wonderful  perfume,  love  it,  it  looks  great  on  you  …  ❞  Clinging  affections  came  naturally  back  at  him,  slowly  hugging  further  and  further  his  little  princess.  She  maybe  tasted  Thanatos  presence,  but  he  would  ensure  with  his  presence  it  would  go  away  !  ❝  I  rushed  as  soon  as  I  knew  you  were  coming  back.  Later,  oh,  I  wish  that  word  could  be  always  used.  ❞  Well  …  for  once,  there  will  no  illusions  attached  towards  her,  no  fleeting  twisted  emotions  :  there  will  be  just  the  sincere  sentiment  he  was  allowed  to  breathe  again,  and  be  reassured  he  wasn't  going  to  be  left  again,  that  the  hardship  of  loneliness  had  been  passed  …  that  he  had  been  realizing  his  affections  were  a  mountain  of  deep  love.

@lightcreators Draco : Reunion & loving starter

SHE HAS NEVER LEFT FOR SO LONG . Her shop has been her safe haven for as long as she can recall. The memories placed between the plants and the decorations waiting for new homes are too familiar to part with. She loves it because it is hers. But family matters had taken her away to France for a few weeks. An aunt she had never really heard of before dying  ⎯⎯⎯⎯ and no one should die alone. Not if she can help it. So she had packed up her suitcase with hand-painted daisies on it, and she had said until later ( never goodbye. not to him at least ) only to get onto the early train on a Monday morning.

Now she is back. Or at least as good as back. There is still half a city between her and her shop and the piece lily she has been thinking fondly of for the last week. In her bag are letters she meant to send. of course, she had. But there was just something so kind about giving them to him by hand. By now, the French perfume she had 'borrowed' without asking from a niece should have soaked into the paper and ink. Her fingers run through the stack of them, counting them all as her train slows down in preparation to pull into the station. One for each day she had left. One more for good measure.

Victoria would recognize him anywhere. Blond hair is like a beacon, calling her the moth to his flame through the crowd of people gathered. All of them are there to greet their loved ones - or say a bittersweet farewell to them. Her fingers tap against the glass before the train has fully stopped. As if he can hear it over the crowd. She has never been the fastest of her siblings, but when she hauls her luggage from the overhead storage, and she jumps out of the train onto the platform, she truly feels as if she possesses flight.

❝Draco !❞ She makes her way over to him eagerly, her suitcase colliding with the shins of other travellers. It does not bother her, for she can only see him. The bag flung around her shoulder is dropped onto the floor with a loud thud as she wraps her arms around him. Finally, she is home. ❝There you are, I've missed you so much!❞

[sternen--staub]

occasional posts from users

[anotherknifeinmyhands]

"EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL TO THE POINT OF STERILE UNFUCKABILITY. " 1 . // 2. // 3. // 4.

[carouselcometh]

We have asked girl for help countless times, now it is the time we offer her our help

[lilacandladybugs]

i think tumblr is the only website where users have to employ the scientific method to figure out how it works

[powdermelonkeg]

"You can't consume problematic media!"

Maybe YOU can't. I, on the other hand, have critical thinking skills and a lot of spite.

[kellykline]

Sam’s gone off to bed, citing the day's journey and his old bones as excuses. Jack says he’s gone off to bed, but he’s probably going to sneak in a few episodes of The Good Place. That just leaves Dean and Cas, beer bottles in hand at the map table. There's no mission to be carried out, no sense of urgency nagging at them, it’s just… them. Together.

Cas sets his beer back on the table and it seems like he's going to get up. Dean doesn't want this to end, this warm and comfortable moment, so he splutters out the first thing he can think of.

"Are you hungry? I could eat!" Dean cringes internally. He’d just finished dinner half an hour ago. It sounds desperate to his own ears, but Cas just smiles fondly and shakes his head.

"Dean, you know I don't eat."

"Well, you don't need to, but you obviously do," Dean says. Cas's half empty beer bottle is proof enough of that.

"I can eat, but that is for social benefit. To celebrate a job well done," Cas says, fingers idly trailing through the condensation on the bottle, "Besides, I don't enjoy food the way I did when I was human. It all tastes too much like molecules."

It sounds like Cas wishes he could do something about it, so Dean instantly latches onto it as a problem to be fixed.

"Are there molecules you like the taste of?" Cas blinks in surprise as if the idea had never occurred to him.

"I suppose it's possible," he murmurs, "But I've never tried to find them. I imagine they'd all be about the same."

"Like how?"

Cas blows out a blustery sigh. "Oh, you know, too complex. Too many elements, long polymers chains, complicated folding patterns. It's all too much to take in."

"Then we'll find some simpler ones. Easy as that." Dean gets up and grabs Cas's hand, a tingle flashing over his skin where they touch. Cas opens his mouth to say something, but decides against it. He goes easily when Dean drags him out of his seat.

-

That's how they end up sitting on the kitchen floor long into the wee hours of the morning, surrounded by bottles and cans and boxes of every edible substance they can find. For each one Cas carefully scoops out a sample and passes judgment. He hates the texture of mayonnaise, honey is more intellectually interesting than gustatorily, coffee smells good and tastes horrible, et cetera.

They’d abandoned produce pretty early on after Cas decided that if he didn’t like broccoli, kale wasn’t going to be much different. The head of cabbage from Sam's side of the fridge is looking sad and wilted enough that Dean feels guilty about leaving it out. He hears Cas rustling around in one of the cabinets as he puts condiments and containers that failed the test back in their rightful places.

“Hey Cas, do you think–?” And he turns to see Cas wrist deep in a box of baking soda.

There is, of course, the space of time when Dean could say something. It’s not for eating, put it back, we’ll find something else. But Cas brings a dusty finger up to his mouth and carefully licks it, and a beaming smile breaks out across his face.

“Dean, I like these molecules!” he exclaims. There’s a smudge of white across his bottom lip.

“That’s awesome, Cas,” Dean says, because what else could he say when there’s a bigger smile on Cas’s face than he’s ever seen before?

Cas puts a fistful of baking soda in his mouth and laughs. Little puffs of powder leave his mouth with every exhale, like cold breath in winter.

Cas looks happier than he has in all the time Dean has ever known him. Over a leavener. Dean will buy a box for him every time he runs out. No, before he does. He’ll get those big four pound bags that no one ever buys. Dean will be the sole force standing between Cas and a baking soda-less life.

Just as Dean’s considering what becoming Arm & Hammer’s most loyal customer would entail, Cas extends the box to him and says, “Want some?”

Cas’s first instinct upon discovering a solution to a problem which had been bothering him for years is to share it with Dean. He feels absurdly like crying.

“Sure. Good for stomach aches, y’know?” Dean just says stuff sometimes, not even knowing if he means it. He takes a pinch between two fingers and immediately spills half of it down his shirt.

It tastes way worse than he thought it would. Dean just barely resists making a face as he tries to roughly swallow whatever hadn’t dissolved in his mouth.

“Salty,” he chokes out.

"Yes! That's the ions dissociating. Can you feel it?" His eyes are wide and bright. Fuck, are his cheeks a little pink? Dean's feeling flushed himself.

He lets himself cough just once before saying, "No, buddy, I think that's just a you thing." He longs for the dregs of the beer he left out there.

"Dean," Cas starts, staring down into his box, "Thank you."

"For what? You found it all by yourself." He wouldn't even have thought to suggest it.

"Thank you for giving me the push I needed to try," Cas says, a wry smile growing on his face as he looks up, "You always seem to do that."

If Cas takes Dean's impulses and crafts something better out of them, he's just happy to be part of the process.

"Anytime, Cas. I mean it. If I'd known that something like this could make you so happy," Dean inhales carefully here, "I'd have done it years ago."

Cas must get it because his eyes go wide and he stops breathing. He fidgets with his box. He crams another handful into his mouth.

"We should. Um. Get to bed. It's late, Dean."

"Yeah! Yeah. You'll... be here tomorrow, right?" Cas doesn't leave, doesn't wander the way he used to but it's always a possibility hovering around the edges of Dean's perceptions.

"I'm not planning on going anywhere, Dean."

-

And then that's how it goes. Sam finds Cas's habit funny. Jack joins in on it, though not with the same level of gusto as Cas demonstrates. There's always a box of baking soda in one of Cas's pockets, two if he's lucky. If Dean looks hard enough he can usually see a white streak of it somewhere on Cas's coat. His hands are often dusted with it like a baker's. If it feels gritty between Dean's fingers, who cares? It's what makes Cas happy and that's all that matters.

READ THE SEQUEL HERE

[lily-frog]

goodnight :)

[virtualplushy]

i love small joys so much!!!! yes i love my coffee in my favorite mug!!! i love the sun spilling in the window!!! i love the wind on my face!!! i love my blanket over my lap!!! i love the clouds in the sky!!!! i am seeking joy in every moment!!!!

[isabellaofparma]

historical inaccuracies in period dramas are okay as long as i like them

[wingedbeings]

girlboss? no. boyloser. guyfailure. dudenobody

[whimsyprinx]

,,, this certainly was a choice is all I’m saying

[bat-bestie]

how am i supposed to function under these conditions [sleepy]

[lokidokeyartichoki]

“phones are disrupting natural sleep cycles” I mean true but also bold of you to assume I had one before the tech boom lol catch me out here reading chapter books by the light of my light up pens in the third grade

[doodle-empress66]

“Thanks Hank you really taught me a lot about propane and propane accessories!”

"And I tell you hwat, young man. I don't think I know hwat a 'heart of the cards' is, but I know for certain you've got the heart of a Texan."