#also liked how pit was actually validated in some form even if 'not yet' is a bit disapointing answer

[bellamyroselia]

Probably one of the funniest Kid Icarus jokes I've ever come across had Pit asking if Santa was real, with Palutena's answer being "Not yet, (some Roman emperor who reigned between 80-270 CE) is still in charge" and I haven't been able to stop thinking of it ever since

[yvtro]

I’m sorry if you’ve answered this before as I’m new to the blog (and really enjoying your thoughts!!) but I have a Jason question for you. What’s your opinion on the whole fanon pit madness stuff the fandom seems obsessed about with Jason? I personally hate it because I think it’s problematic and often times veers into abuse apologism as well as flattening his character (and not being canon lol) but I’m super interested to hear your opinions!

no need to apologise, i mentioned it and interacted with many different takes on the topic, but never made a more articulate post about it on my own, so it's nice to have a pretext to do so. especially that my opinion doesn't really reflect any of popular stances on the topic in the fandom. this got very long, but: tldr; i don't like neither canon nor fanon depictions of how the lazarus pit affected jason, but there might be still something of value there. there's lots to talk about though; i refer to aspects such as ableism and the lazarus pit lore in wider dc universe. more under the cut:)

i addressed this many times, but the general assumption that the pit madness is purely fanon is actually not true. while it was never explicitly named in jason-centric comics, it is a prevalent theme in most of his pre-n52 appearances. there's, for example, tony daniel's interview, where he talks about it, and some editorial comments on the matter. the titans towers incident was supposed to happen under the pit's influence as well.

the fact that it appears in comics that used to constitute canon doesn't make it any better, but to the editorial boards' credit, it's not really relevant anymore. yet, the events tied to the concept remain popular in the fandom.

i know that many people focus on the abuse apologism angle when talking about it, and while it is a valid concern, i'm more worried about... the blatant ableism that it comes with. i talked about it briefly here and here, tldr: jason is also portrayed to be going through a (pit-induced) psychotic breakdown, as he has clinical delusions. and in this state – a state of extreme mental health crisis, he is shown to attack rather random targets (because, i'm sorry, tim is a random target given jay's general motivations). this is an extremely distasteful plotline that contributes to SMI stigma. so, to reiterate, what i'm saying is that maybe we should not spend our time perpetuating the idea that being "crazy" or "insane" is excessively used to excuse abuse, but rather ask why dc writers even tied these notions together?

needles to say, i'm not a fan of how the madness trope is used in jason's storyline, not really because i'm worried about whether he is held responsible for his actions – it's not like half of these actions would be committed if not for the vague notion of the lazarus interference combined with the ableist representation of psychosis.

and if you read more of my meta posts, maybe you noticed a common thread in how i like to headcanon that jason needed to actively suppress his innate compassion (known from his original robin run) as a form of self-sacrifice, and painstakingly forge himself into a weapon despite flinching at his own violence. i also tend to emphasise the circumstances of his resurrection, his trauma and his desperate dedication to fixing the world as his main motivations. and the pit madness doesn't exactly go well with those.

having said so, i think there is some space for layering this with the effects of the lazarus pit, and i can't imagine completely getting rid of it when it comes to jason's storyline as a whole. i think people sometimes forget that lazarus pits have been a part of dc comics' lore for much longer than jason's character even existed. i haven't read the recent realeses (i will be catching up soon), so i'm not sure what the writers are doing with them nowadays, but the whole point of the pools is that the power of healing, preserving youth (or even resurrecting fresh corpses to life in some versions) is supposed to come at price. this price has to make at least a crack in the user's humanity. it was previously referred to as for example a "lazarus fever," and usually was followed by even just temporary episode of rage. (i've read it a long time ago, but you might want to check out for example "the lazarus affair," a storyline from early 80s). and well, it would pose some difficulties to explain how jason is running and kicking without being exposed to the pit (unless you want to say that whatever resurrected him healed him completely or that he spent more time recovering, fair game), and the pit has to have some consequences. the tragedy of it is, of course, that he was not put in there consensually, and he would never want to compromise his humanity nor control were he given that choice. so it has to have at least some effect on his state, at least for a while, unless we want to throw world-building out of the window (which you can do, if that's your preference.)

i guess the question is, can we do anything with this element of the story so that it doesn't hinder the significance of other prominent forces, such as grief? maybe it's not that bad that the story isn't straightforward. i know that lots of people like to claim that jason is completely autonomous, but aren't the circumstances of his resurrection already affecting him to the point where a hint of "who's driving" body horror is implied? isn't he struggling with feelings of losing control, which also make him so fixated and methodical? and maybe there is something to be said about the potential internal conflict of wanting to detach himself further from everything that makes him alive and humane (as it makes him vulnerable) vs being desperate to reclaim what the pit has taken from him. i don't know. what i know is that the reverse-baptism lazarus imagery is quite appealing and that maybe all the talk about it helps to bridge the extreme gap in 80s robin -> modern red hood characterisation, by outsourcing at least some of his anger to be foreign to him in an uncanny way.

but then again, it's also not my favourite theme, and i definitely don't centre it in my reading, nor gravitate to interpretations that do. you could even say that the pit influence was very short-lived and didn't matter in the grand scheme of things at all (apart from adding up to a pile of jay's trauma), and it would probably make sense with how inconsistent comics are anyway. i definitely don't want to see any outward psychotic symptoms in it's portrayal, nor for it to render jay irrational to the point where mindless violence overrides all of his motivations (like it did in many books before and as it usually does in fanfiction). however, i still think that it's interesting to look at the narrative in a wider scope and consider what i mentioned.

[mr-walkingrainbow]

battle for abimel? i want a power showdown.

BATTLE FIGHT WITH POWER SHUT DOWN HERE WE GO!!

Basically OverWitch + I guess the rest of the charmed ones, face the new demon of the day, the Cancellor, which nullifies any power thrown at them.

They have to really think hard to figure this one out.

But like, mainly gay OverWitch.

“Ugh,” Macy groaned audibly for the fourth time in the past two minutes, “What’s taking her so long!”

“Ok could you tone down the whine today?” Mel replied exasperatingly, “It’s not like Abby lives next door. And she can’t orb like Harry. It takes time to get here.”

“Yeah and by the time she does the DotD will be long gone!” She stated in annoyance.

Maggie rolled her eyes, “I think the demon of the day can wait for a few minutes. I doubt their in a rush for a Appointment at the nail salon.”

The eldest huffed, “Yeah but Abbys just taking forever!”

“You rang?”

Everyone turned to the source of the voice, which oddly, seemed to be nix.

But more understandingly, smoke started to swirl, practically a mini tornado, until it took the form of Mels beloved.

“Abby!” The Latina cheered, running over and giving her girlfriend a hug.

“Hello lovely,” Abigael grinned, before smirking in Macy’s direction, “Now what’s this about me being slow? Shall I remind you how long it took you and Witchbanger to actually bang?”

Macy made a squawk of protest, while Harry looked on in mute surprise.

“Witchbangers new.” He commented, although Mel couldn’t tell if he was annoyed or curious.

Abby gestured towards him with a flourish, then nodded towards Macy, “Well, this pile of nerves is Whitebanger, only fitting we have the other half.”

Harry seemed to nod in numb acceptance, before turning back to the gadget in his hands.

“Now that we’re all here, I introduce, the Cancellor !” He waved his arms dramatically for the reveal, the gadget projecting a hologram of a dark woman in a white suit.

Maggie stared blankly, “the counselor?”

Harry looked a bit miffed, “No, the Cancellor.”

Macy tilted her head, “The chancellor?”

“NO, lovely, the CANCELLOR.”

Mel narrowed her eyes, “Cancer?”

Harry gasped for breath, “-wha- how?? It’s the CAN-CELL-OR.”

Abigael smirked, snickering lightly, “Oh Harold, why didn’t you just say so?”

Everyone offered nods of agreement while Harry sputtered for words.

Macy graciously took this time to step forward.

“As my dear was beginning to, ahem, say?” She broke off to give the sputtering whitelighter a concerned look, “This is apparently, in fact, the Cancellor. They have the power to nullify or ‘Cancel’ any powers used against it.”

“Oh but who needs powers when your in the middle of fighting a bloodthirsty demon!” Abby snarked typically.

Mel would normally scold her for such a comment, but found herself cracking a smile at the humor of it.

Macy looked annoyed, but shrugged it off, “As I was saying, something good to note, the Cancellor takes the form of whatever it nullified last, so it might not look like this. That’s just the last recorded form.”

She gestured to the regal woman in white. To which Abby purred delightfully.

“At least it’s last participant knew how to dress well.”

Mel shot her a glare, giving her a slap to the arm.

“What?!” The Britt squeaked. She just rolled her eyes in response.

“Aww,” Abby cooed, wrapping her arms around Mels smaller frame, “Is someone jealous of a power taking, identity stealing demon of the day?”

The Latina grumbled a bit, embarrassed of the blush that had indeed made its way across her face.

“No.”

“Oh I think you are.” The later whispered, “But don’t worry my love, no matter how amazingly dressed someone is, they cant even manage to come close to your overall beauty.”

Mel blushed again, this time for an entirely different reason. And a bit bashfully, she turned and gave Abby a chaste kiss.

“I hate you.” She stated grumpily.

“Love you too grumpy.”

“Ladies,” everyone turned to harry, who had finally recuperated, holding an Orb, “Will you generously accompany me to fight a fashionable identity stealer?”

“Oh Harold,” Abby sashayed forward dramatically, “I thought you’d never ask!”

Macy growled jealously while Mel shared a secret laugh with Maggie. The two of them had slowly found Abbys wit more humorous then insulting.

Harry threw the orb, the Group proceeding to jump through it into a wide circular stone covered room.

“Where are we?” Maggie questioned, peering around, their seemingly was only one entrance, a small archway carved into the surrounding rock. Leading into another room.

“We’re in the Cancellors Lair, that ark leads to the cancellor.” Harry answered informatively.

Mel was confused, however, “If so, how do people get in?”

“I think I have the answer to that.”

Everyone turned to Macy, who was staring at the ceiling. They followed pursuit, only to find their room was not really a room, but the bottom of a very deep pit.

“What a treacherous trap.” Abby seethed respectively, if possible, “Some loner demon falls down the pit. And if they survive. The Cancellor can steal their powers and harvest their body.”

“No… no that can’t be?” The youngest stated sadly, ever the empath, “Some have to escape. What about the innocent humans who fall?”

“I guess some could escape,” Abigael reasoned blatantly. If they realized where they were before the Cancellor found them. They would have to have some type of powers that could propel them upwards, like smoke phasing. Because no lucky Jim could climb these walls. Their smooth as stone.”

She wasn’t wrong, Mel found herself absentmindedly feeling the slick walls with her hand.

Someone tapped her shoulder, and she turned to see her girlfriend smiling at her bashully, and hand held out.

“Head in the Clouds my love?”

“Yeah,” the Latina grinned, taking the britts hand, “Thanks for always finding me.”

“Oh why of course!” The hybrid proclaimed, “What else is a loving girlfriend supposed to do?”

“Oh you know, fight demons, slay monsters, make out from time to time.” She monologued coyly.

-“while I’d love to hear this agonizing conversation,” Macy interrupted, “We have a demon destroy.”

Both of them rolled their eyes, but gladly shared secret smiles.

The ragtag group of magical beings entered the room. Nearly immersed in pitch darkness.

Mel felt Abby take her hand, and she tried to send soothing vibes, squeezing it to show she understood.

Abigael wasn’t a fan of the dark, it wasn’t cause she was afraid of it specifically, moreover, it reminded her of being locked in the crate. And mentioned it made her feel quite claustrophobic.

A lot of her fears spiraled from the singular subject of her childhood. It didn’t make them any less valid, however.

“Macy.” Mel whispered in the dark, “A light please?”

“Since when are you afraid of- oh.”

Her sister caught on, a tad second too late. But thankfully, mentioned nothing when the room was engulfed in flames. Just sending Mel a understanding nod.

Abby may get on Macy’s nerves, but she truly did care about her overall well-being.

“Oh thank you Lovely, now we can see where the Cancellors coming from.” Harry commented, subtly driving attention away from Abigael.

The Latina still could see the flush on her girlfriends face. And squeezed her hand again. Trying to say it was ok through touch.

Annoyingly, even with Macy’s flame, the room was not very bright. And from what Mel could see, it was another circular room, but with a domed ceiling, and vine-snaked walls.

Everyone sorta teetered around, peering closely at the cylinder wall, some parts holding ritualistic type carvings underneath the vines.

“How interesting.” Abby mused lightly, tracing a line finger in the indentions.

Mel winced slightly, as the light behind her got abruptly brighter.

“Hey Mace, good job with the light! Didn’t know you were practicing.”

“Mel…” Macy’s voice sounded nervous and halted, “Mel that isn’t me.”

“What do you mean who else would it-“

She cut off, as everyone turned to the center of the room.

Somehow, submerged in the darkness, a middle platform was completely unseen.

But now, from a spotlight coming from nowhere, it was illuminated in a ghostly, nearly theatrical glow.

And on top of that platform, posing dramatically, was the Cancellor.

Maggie scrunched her nose, “Wait… is that-“

-“LIL NAS X?!?” Mel exclaimed abnormally loud.

Her brain was completely shot. How could this be possible. This shouldn’t be. It couldn’t be.

But yet, it was, no one else rocked Red dreads, tiny black & white boxers, and thigh high leather boots then the number 1 black gay pop artist.

Macy looked thoroughly confused, “Who..? And are you sure that’s him?”

“I thought he looked familiar.” Maggie mumbled to herself.

Harry’s eyes were bugging out of his head, caught between staring and trying to give the Cancellor some privacy. The bulge in his CK boxers leaving nothing to imagination.

“No that’s definitely him,” Abby purred, practically hypnotized, “No one wears those raunchy underwear but him.”

Mel blushed jealously, “He’s gay Abby. As in into penis.”

Abigael jerked her head, trance broken as she gazed at her pouting girlfriend.

“Aww,” she cooed once again, leaning in close, “Is someone jealous of a LilNausex clone?”

The lesbian flushed, hating how adorable Abbys mispronunciation of his name sounded in her accent.

“It’s Lil Nas X.” She stated huffily.

Abby frowned, just a tad, “Oh come on Lovely.”

“Don’t lovely me!” Mel denied stubbornly.

It was a bit childish, yes, but right now the Demon straddling a chair from literally nowhere was undeniably hot for the Men lovers in the room. And she was green with envy.

“Oh you should know by now,” Abby whispered, her tone seductive and lovely, “Your the only one I want to see in those flamboyant boxers.”

Mel hated how much she was turned on right now.

“Also,” her girlfriends voice was now soft, “No matter how much I may ogle or tease, you really are my one and only love.”

Ok, now she could love her again.

“I hate you.”

“Love you too.”

“Not to break up this repetitive conversation,” Macy once again interrupted, “But how is ‘Lil Nas X’ in the room?”

“Yeah,” Harry piped up finally, “He’s human. And it’s not like he’s killed and stolen the crown, and powers of some random leader.”

“OH MY GOD.” Mel screeched, going straight back to mortified.

“I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST IN THE VIDEO!?”

Everyone turned to her for an explanation, while she blushed from the heavy gaze, and sexual nature of the rationale.

“I-In his recent music video,” she whispered meekly, “he kills satan and steals his power.”

Her blushed increased dramatically at the implication.

“Not that I’ve watched it or something.”

“Don’t worry darling,” Abby whispered with a devilish attitude, “I’ve watched it plenty enough for the both of us.”

“Basically he stripper poles his way down to hell, does a Lap dance for Satan himself, and then proceeds to kill him in the middle of the throws of it. Ergo stealing his crown. And then his powers. We avid fans all assumed it was apart of gay pride and acceptance and sticking it to the homophobes. Turns out it’s that, and becoming all powerful.”

True to their personality. Mel loves what Abby says, Maggie nods appreciatively and nonchalantly, while Macy and Harry look seconds away from dying of pure awkwardness.

“Um, why isn’t he saying anything?” Maggie points out. The sexy demon staring at them all unblinkingly, thoroughly creeping them out.

“Maybe the voices doesn’t carry when he takes the form?” Macy suggests, “So he tries to hide it by not talking? False sense of security?”

Lil N’as Cloné then opened his mouth, revealing a large jagged set of teeth, jaw unhinging slightly.

“Or!” Maggie says with a state of panic, “He was just waiting to eat us alive!”

The demon crouches low, nearly spider like. Swaying from side to side.

“Ladies! Backs to the wall!” Harry announces, “And make sure to show some type of power, we don’t know how long the transformation takes, so we need to keep track on who still possesses them.”

Mel needs no second affirmation, grabbing Abbys wrist and yanking her back.

“Mel?” She looks outraged, “We need to fight it!”

“Yeah we’ll I can’t fight it if your powers are stolen and need someone to protect you!”

Abigael huffs, “I can take care of myself Melanie. See?”

She holds her hand up as if to summon a flame.

Head jerking when none appears.

Her expression changes to one filled with fear and confusion, “Bloody hell??”

Abby continued to unsuccessfully summon a flame, hand whirring to a blur.

“Mel!” She exclaimed in a frenzy, “Mel, it’s not working, why isn’t it working? To hell with this!”

“Hey! Hey,” the Latina soothed, rushing to place a hand on her arm in a calming motion, “Carino it’s ok. Don’t panic. The lil n’as dude just took your powers assumingly.”

“Are you sure?!?”

It seemed kinda like a controversial question to ask; considering she couldn’t activate her fire powers, but Mel understood it was from fear rather then logic.

“Well, try to smoke phase.”

Abby nodded tentatively. Raising her hands once again.

The very tips of her fingers produced ashy whisps, but aside from that, their was nothing.

“Your smoking.” Maggie unhelpfully stated, as she edged towards them.

“Why thank you Captain obvious!” Abby snarked bitterly.

The brunette looked concerned, glancing at the Latina instead, “Mel, what’s wrong?”

Abby was outraged, “Mel?! I am RIGHT HERE y’a know, if your just gonna stand their like a blathering idiot you might as well-“

-“She’s been cancelled,” Mel interrupted blatantly, witch just a tad of irritation at her raving girlfriend, “Her powers aren’t working and she’s lashing out.”

Maggie shrugged, “Naturally.”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN NATURALLY?! I have a RIGHT to be upset I-“

-“So you sure their fully gone?” Her sister continued, “I never saw the Cancellor do anything? And he still looks like Lil N’as!”

Mel turned back to the center, brows furrowing at the now empty stage.

“Where’d he go?”

The dead silence, and lack of demon, filled the room with an eerie unsettling vibe.

“Mel, I don’t like this.” The empath warned.

She didn’t either.

“MACY!” The Latina called out, “WHERED HE GO?”

Macy looked just as panicked, probably even more, “I DONT KNOW! HE WAS JUST HERE?!”

“Oh for gods sake! We should rejoice for all I care! I’m the one with my powers gone and if you would STOP bloody ignoring me id-“

Mel whirled around, placing one finger in front of Abbys lips, the other hand firmly around her waist.

“Abby. I love you. I know your freaking out right now. But please, can you refrain from ranting till we leave?”

Abbys eyes were both murderous and loving, and softly, Mel kissed her until it changed to a lightly irritated.

“Better?” She puffed quietly.

The Britt nodded silently, blushing lightly at the affection showed.

Mel scrunched her eyebrows, briefly seeing the abrupt look of horror sweep it’s way across her girlfriends face.

“What’s wr-“

-“MEL LOOK OUT!”

Abby had shoved her aside roughly, the witch groaning as she hit the ground, but enough adrenaline rushing through to allow her to roll to her elbows.

She glanced up, Just in time to see a dark shadow drag Abigail to the the darkest parts of the room.

“ABBY!” She screamed, arm outreached and terror in her eyes.

“MACY!” Mel barked, “MORE LIGHT.”

Her sister didn’t have to be told twice, “ON IT!”

Immediately, the softly glow from Macy’s flame turned into a raging fire, illuminating all that it could without burning something.

Dead silence followed.

Maggie gasped, “Oh no.”

Standing before them, with the shadows gone and dust settled, was two identical Abigael Jameson-Caines. Each with matching clothes and injuries.

“By all things science.” Macy blanched.

“The Cancellor has taken Abbys form!” Harry informed quickly, “Ready yourself for an attack from either one.”

Mel rose to her feet on shaky limbs, reading an icicle from the air particles around her.

“Alright,” her voice was steady, although she wasn’t calm in the slightest, “One of you is the hot pain in my ass who I love dearly. And the other is a cannibalistic identity stealer. So. Who’s who.”

Immediately both of them rushed to ensure her trust, voices perfectly identical.

“I’m the real Abby!” The one on the right said.

“No!” Lefty said, “Don’t listen to them I’m the real Abby!”

[Authors note - Right side Abby will be in bold.

Left side Abby is in Italics.]

“Their perfectly identical,” Macy stressed, “How are we gonna tell them apart?!”

“Their must be a logical way to solve this.” Harry muttered under his breath.

“Come on guys, really?” Maggie shot them a glare, Mel seemed to catch on, “It’s easy really.”

“We quiz them.”

After a quick group huddle, and their bearings regain, they were ready to give a life or death quiz.

“Alright Abby clones,” Maggie narrated, “We’ve each prepared a question, something only the real Abby should know. Based on your answers, we will decide if your truthful or not.”

“Great just don’t dose me with truth serum while your at it.” Both Abbys snarked in complete unison, before shooting matching scowls at the other.

Maggie looked drastically discouraged but the display, voice wavering.

“U-uh, um, y-yes. Questions. H-Harry your up.”

The man walked up a few feet, nervously wiping his palms against his button up.

“Alright, ladies,” he gave his habitual gentlemen nod to the two of them, “When one of you invited me over for dinner, what was the main course?”

“Duck!” Righty said immediately. Grinning proudly.

“Hey! That one was too easy!” Lefty argued, “Duck is the best meat for a date! Everyone knows that! Not to mention I gave Harold a massage beforehand.”

“Of course it’s the best! What else would you eat, bloody chicken like an uncultured heathen?!”

Righty paused to glance at Harry, “Uh, I get the point for that one right?”

Harry looked overwhelmed, panic evident on his face.

“Uh, um. Undecided!” He then quickly scampered to the back of the pack, face flushed while doing so.

“Completely identical.” The Whitelighter whispered to no one.

Macy shrugged, “Guess I’m up.”

She approached the twins glancing at either with an impassive face.

“Let’s see, what’s Abbys favorite nickname for me?”

“Whitebanger.” The two answer in synchronized perfection. Shooting yet another glare at each other.

Macy looked tired, pinching the bridge of her nose, “Of course that one was too easy. Any Abby could apparently answer that in her sleep. Let me think of a harder question.”

It wasn’t long before her poker face soon returned. Leveling them up once again.

“When You fake poisoned yourself, what was that one question that was actually subserviently a dig on me?”

“To spoon!” Left jolted, “I asked you to spoon!”

“Actually! I asked her if she was the big spoon or little spoon.”

“Well excuse me for messing up one tiny detail! At least I got the spoon part before you!” Left rolled her eyesz

“Well mine was actually accurate, so yours doesn’t count!”

“Yeah it does!”

“Does not!” Right argued.

“ENOUGH!”

Macy had both hands out, face strained, “You two need to stop arguing so I can think!”

The clones shut up, as she stormed back towards the group, shaking her head.

“They share a freaking mind.” The eldest stated bitterly.

A few minutes passed as they waited for Maggie to step up. Who looked severely intimidated by the task at hand.

Mel coughed, “Maggie it’s-“

“I KNOW!” The Latina shrieked, “GIVE ME A SECOND!”

“Okayyy!”

The youngest took a couple very hesitant feet forward.

“Hello!” She waved awkwardly, “I’m Maggie -wait ugh, Abby already knows that of course! Gosh stop talking to yourself and think of a damn question!”

She bit her lip nervously, looking at them with a fearful expression.

“Ok, um. Let’s see. What’s some things Abby likes to do?”

“Oh that’s easy, Alcohol, Mel, making Macymorts life miserable!” Righty laughed to herself.

Mel ignored the fierce blush that rose to her face at the implication.

“But that’s easy,” Lefty sneered meanly, “I like to do many things, all which someone could easily guess.”

“Pray tell, tell me how you could ‘guess’ I like those things?”

“Well I-“

-“Ok!” Maggie squeaked, “Another question then!”

She then proceeded to flounder for a few moments. Hands waving rapidly in anxiety.

“Um, ok then. Who’d you save my life from?”

“My brother.”

“My half-brother, Parker.”

The answers seemed to be the same, yet lefty seemed to be happy with how specific she was.

Maggie, however, had paused. Eyes narrowed at the two, caught in a thought.

“Maggie?” Mel whispered, “What did you see?”

The Brunette jolted, plastering a fake smile on her face, “Oh nothing! Just a trick of the light!”

Mel grabbed her arm once she returned closer to the group, “Pfft, trick of the light my ass, you saw something? What was it?”

“I honestly don’t know,” her eyebrows were furrowed in concentration, “It was something about how they said it. They said the some thing, yet one sounded right, and the other wrong?”

“But how is that possible?” Macy interject lowly, ever the logical person.

“I don’t know!” Maggie whined, arms flailing, “It just was!”

“We’ll don’t stress,” Mel soothed, “We definitely have something by now from other questions.”

“We definitely, do not, have something from any of these questions.” Harry muttered a few minutes later in a group huddle.

“Maggie,” he glanced at the youngest, “Were you able to get anything, you know, empath wise?”

Her gaze snapped to his, a bit of fire in her pupils, “Don’t you think I would have said something if I did?! It’s hard enough that their identical, but their emotions are too! The Cancellor apparently has the ability to copy someone completely! They know everything about the other, because they know it themselves!”

Mel gasped, realization hitting her in a flash, “Oh my god Mags, that’s it!”

Maggie looked confused, as did the rest of them, “What’s it? What did I say?”

“I can’t be something Abby already knows,” she explained carefully, in a deep whisper, “If it’s something she already knows, the Cancellor can immediately pick up on it. He has a copy of all her memories! It’s gotta be something she doesn’t know, or, Moreover, something we know that can get a honest reaction she doesn’t know she makes.”

“But that’s practically impossible!”

“Don’t say that Macy, it’s not impossible if your the girlfriend of Abigael Jameson-Caine!”

Mel pulled from the group, walking up to the two with a confident swagger.

Both, of course, seemed a bit taken aback by her bold demeanor.

“Ok Siamese freak from hell,” she grinned, cracking her knuckles, “Your in my court now, It’s my turn to ask the questions.”

“One of you is the woman I love, and the fact she’s currently having to take a quiz for her life is sickening, so that stokes the fire of hate I have for whoever is causing this. And once I find out who is it, I promise you will regret ever messing with us, and mi Cariño!”

Mel let her monologue be a distraction, gradually advancing forward as she spoke. Until she was directly in front of them.

“Now, it’s time for your final question.”

She stared them in their chocolate orbs, lingering over the right one. Mel couldn’t understand it, but she felt as if the righty was the true Abby. Even with no proof. Their was just something in her eyes.

“Can you kindly hold you hands like this?”

The Latina then proceeded to hold one hand up, baring the wrist, the other slightly bellow, pressing on a very specific patch of skin.

The two were confused, both tilting their heads to the side slightly, in a way Abby would commonly do when she was thinking.

Mel let her hands drop to her sides, watching like a hawk as the complied. She could feel the groups eyes on her, and was desperately praying that this worked.

A few seconds passed. Nothing happened. Perfectly identical.

Then, it happened. The Abby on the right legs swiftly crumpled.

Mel rushed in, and in one move, caught Abby with one arm. The other, which had been hidden from sight, stabbing the duplicate with a quickly formed air icicle.

The demon gave a feral screech from the weapon embedded in its chest, clawing at it weakly.

The group watched in awe as it switched between numerous forms, one which of was lil n’as, the others it’s countless victims.

“How?” It gasped hoarsely, “I’m completely identical.”

“That’s where your wrong!” Mel smiled proudly, “You see, in a way, you were identical. You knew everything Abby did because you could copy her mind! But what about something she didn’t even know of? Like the fact that from years of being put in shock cuffs consequently damaged the nerve in her right wrist? That when pressed, would cause her to pass out?”

“But how?” It wailed, “She would have known!”

“Except she didn’t!” The Latina cradled the unconscious body gently, kissing Abbys crown lightly, “I only found out by accident. And she didn’t remember a thing about it when waking up. I didn’t want to worry her, so I just stayed quiet. I soon understood why it happened due to her trial. But as a demon who can only copy what the person knows, you wouldn’t have.”

The creature let out a few more pitiful whines before crumpling to ash and dust.

“MEL!” Maggie shrieked in happiness, giving her a gigantic hug, “That was AMAZING! How did you figure it out?!”

“Just by what you said,” she answered honestly,” Their emotions were the same, and physically they were too. But the body is an amazing thing, and it does many things were not even aware of!”

“That is factually correct!” Macy complimented with a smile.

“I suppose this calls for a celebration when we get home, err, when do you think she’ll wake up?” Harry gestured to the peacefully resting girl.

The lesbian grinned softly, “Oh, any moment now. It only knocks her out for a minute or two.”

“Oh!” Maggie perked up, “I just remembered what I noticed about her response!”

Everyone stared with great interest.

The youngest smiled, “Abby called Parker ‘Brother’. Even though he’s only half related, she always adressed him as her brother. I guess the clone thought we wanted more specific.”

“She truly is just that amazing.” Mel noted warmly, lips parting when she felt Abby starting to stir.

The group took this as their key to leave, telling Mel to meet them back in the other room.

She nodded, expression soft when Abigaels eyes fluttered open.

“W-what happened? D-id we do it? Is it gone?”

“Gone Cariño,” Mel cooed, smoothing the stray hairs off her face and stroking her forehead just the way she liked, “All thanks to you my love.”

“Me?” Abigael questioned, “What did I do? All I remember is, ugh, I have a killer headache, I just remember doing some weird hand signs and then darkness?”

“Oh my love, you were yourself! Undeniably, and amazingly yourself. And no Lil N’as, fancy identity stealer could ever imitate you perfectly. For theirs only one of you. And for that, I am greatful.”

“Why?” Abby arched an eyebrow, smiling erotically, “Because I’m too hot to handle?”

Mel scoffed, chuckling despite herself, nearly dropping her girlfriend in the process.

“More like because i can barely tolerate one of your personality!”

The Britt pouted slightly, “Your mean.��

“Oh am I?” She leaned in and kissed her pouty lips, “No but actually? It’s because I’m reminded to never take you for granted. I only get one of you. And it be the worst mistake of my life to waste it.”

Abbys lips turned to a fond smile, “And their you go again, making me feel things and generally be a better happier person.”

“Oh the audacity of myself!” The witch smirked.

“Ugh, I hate you!”

She grinned, “Love you too.”

[some-dr-writings]

Mikan, Nagito and Miu x Prince-like male S/O

Mikan Tsumiki:

·       “Hmm? Ah! My love! Wait- I’m working!” You took a deep breath to calm yourself. “You are a professional. You are working. No lovey-doveyness…” Besides, you didn’t want to startle Mikan. You hated when you had done so on occasion, greeting when she was completely unsuspecting of it and causing her clumsiness to at up, most often in the form of her falling or breaking something. “Hello my love, welcome to the store. How may I help you, if at all?” “Y-Y/N. Good. I was worried about asking someone else for help. Uh, the class needs some more supplies for the school festival, and… I… I was sent to do the shopping and I don’t, don’t know where the items are and… I-I’m so sorry to bother you at work!” “Mikan, please worry not. It is literally my job to help. I do not mind at all, in fact I actually enjoy doing so, just as you enjoy caring for those who are sick.” “… T-thank you. You always know just what to say.” “I do? I but speak the truth, though I am glad my words can place you at ease.”

·       And so the pair of you went about from aisle to aisle collecting each of the items. However your job was to assist all and not only one so you would occasionally have to part from her to help someone else, you always made sure to quickly return to her side though, she still needed assistance too after all.

·       As you were helping someone else the daylights were startled out of you hearing a loud crashing sound come from where you had left Mikan. Immediately you raced to her grabbing some throw blanket off the shelf as you ran past. Upon reaching her, you immediately tossed the blanket on her. You knew Mikan had a sort of talent for falling in the most precarious of positions, so to save her the embarrassment you tossed it on her, despite not looking for yourself, just in case. Items were scattered across the ground and a shelf was knocked over. “WAAAAHHHHHHH! I’, SO SORR-” “Shhhhhh” You quickly placed a hand over her mouth getting her to quiet down. Moments later some of your co-workers and customers came by to check the ruckus. “I’m so sorry mam’! Are you hurt?” “h-huh? Uh, no?” Mikan looked to you completely confused. You never called her ‘mam’’ before. “Y/N what happened?” You immediately faced your co-worker looking so flustered and apologetic. “I was trying to help this woman reach some items, and I knocked over everything.” “What.” “She seems rather dazed still. I hate to ask this, but would you help place the items while I check on her?” “… Sure dude.” “Thank you!”

·       “Y/N it was my fault, why did you say you did it?” You and Mikan hid away at the opposite side of the store, away from prying eyes. “Well… You deal with embarrassing moments like that too often. I just wanted to try to protect you from it. I apologize if I just made it more so for you!” “N-no, no! What you did was very sweet! Thank you. But I’m sorry for being such a burden to you!” “You may see it as being a burden, but I do not. I am always glad to help you, even when I’m not working.”

    Nagito Komaeda:

·       The longer you waited the bigger the pit in your stomach grew. You were suddenly snapped from your thoughts feeling a pressure on your shoulder. “Ah! Oh, Boss. You need something.” “Yeah, for you to go so I don’t need to pay you over time.” They smiled, giving you a light pat on the back. “So still not here? They were supposed to take over your shift a while ago.” “They still haven’t called in sick or anything?” “No, no at peep.” Your boss sighed catching your worried expression as you glanced toward the front door. “Your shift ended. I know you like sticking around till your replacement arrives, but this is getting ridiculous. Shove off, take your break and relax. I’ll call you when they come in.” “Are you sure? I don’t mind staying, and you don’t even have to pay me over time. I don’t want to leave you to have to take care of the place by yourself.” “Y/N, I like you, you’re a good kid. So I’m going to give you a piece of advice.” They leaned in draping an arm over your shoulders. “When your boss tells you to actually rest and NOT work, you should REALLY take advantage of that. So…” They gently shoved you towards the door. “Off you go. And I’ll even call you when I get news on them, alright.” “Ah, that would be very much appreciated! Thank you. And you be sure to not hesitate to call me if you end up needing or wanting a extra hand.” “Of course I will! Now just go before I change my mind.” “Yes Boss!” As you exited the pharmacy you hesitated for a moment not seeing any sign of your co-worker anywhere. Not wanting to upset your boss though you fled the scene.

·       Something must have happened, you knew it must have, it was way too late to call in sick or to ask for a change in shifts because of conflicting schedules, there must have been an incident or accident, or something of some sort. No! Distract yourself from this! Uh, dinner! What were you going to have for dinner! You could think of that! As you tried recounting all you had left from your last trip to the grocery store you noticed something that immediately had you worrying again. A car crash in the middle of the intersection blocking most traffic. You tried looking away, not wanting to possibly witness the potentially bloody scene. Thankfully the hospital was near by so they should be alright. Wanting to avoid the foot traffic you opted to cut through the park.

·       Even with your worries it was a lovely day at least. Clear blue sky, cool and breezy, the birds were singing, the loud snapping sound, a man was screaming… what? You immediately ran off to investigate.

·       “Nagito!?” “Hey Y/N.” “Are you hurting? You’re covered in bruises and scratches. What happened?” Nagito shakily got up, only to lose his balance. You immediately caught him, and gently placed him down, having him lean against the tree. “Well the usual really. I got hit by a car, was sent flying through the air and landed in a tree. I was resting here but then the branch broke and you caught me.” “… All that, and you only have scratches.” “Yep.” “… Why am I really surprised anymore. I know from times past when your bad luck struck you never needed the hospital, but I’m still inclined to have a professional check you just in case.” “Y/N I’m fine, really.” You kneeled before him, looking to him so tenderly, your visage shining under the sun’s rays. “At the very least allow me to patch up these scratches, so my heart be be placed a little at ease. Alright?” “Well, it’s not my place to stop you.” “…” The curse of Nagito, you already knew it, thinking you’re too lowly for care and attention but also too lowly to refuse anything offered from those he perceived as greater than himself. This was the closest you’d ever get to a ‘yes’ from him. Gently you took his hand and lead the way, after making sure he could walk.

·       “Hey Boss?” “Eh? Y/N you’re not wor-… What happened to him?” Your boss pointed to Nagito. “Exactly. May I use the first aid kit in the back?” “Sure, but you’re leaving right after.” “Thank you, Boss!” “One more thing, just got that call, seems there was a car crash not far from here and the traffic has been awful.” “Thank goodness. Though shouldn’t I stay longer-” “Mend your boyfriend then scram. That’s an order.” “Yes Boss!”

·       You had Nagito sit on a chair as you patched him up.  “You can do what you want, but I have to wonder sometimes why someone like you, can love me back, literal trash. You give me so much, and I have nothing I can give in return… It’s awfully unfair to you.” “…” Honestly, in that moment you were tempted to ignore that comment. You had this conversation over and over, always saying he was not trash, but… “Y/N? What’s wrong?” “I just realized I’ve done you a grave disservice! I’m so sorry!” “What could you possibly have done?” You sighed, gently cupping his cheeks in your hands. “I’ve been invalidating your feelings this whole time. I’ve been a horrendous boyfriend. Even before getting together I’ve told you you’re not trash, yet that IS how you see yourself. As your partner it is wrong of me to tell you your feelings are not valid. If one feeling is not valid, then what about the others, would that seep into the others and you believe all your feelings are not valid, even down to your love for me. I can’t ignore your feelings, as much as I may disagree and not like them. I can’t disregard them. They still are very real. I… I’m sorry. Telling you you’re wrong is not going to help. If I invalidate your feeling of yourself now, then what about if you gain self-worth and love yourself, would you find that love for yourself invalid because I denied your feelings in the past? I’m sorry.” “No, Y/N it’s fine-” “And I must respectfully disagree and say it’s not fine. However, I must say that is true of yourself too. Ever heard of a saying, ‘one man’s trash is another’s treasure’? You may see yourself as trash, but I and so many others see you as a treasure. Your feelings are valid, but so are mine. I love you, and I wish you to be alright.” Ever so tenderly you gave him a kiss on the forehead before going back to tending to his wounds. “I must also say, I do believe you to be a far greater man than me. From the very start you’ve accepted my affections, even when believing you didn’t deserve it. You never invalidated my feelings. And I thank you for allowing me to grow and catch up in my own time, but now that I’m not blinded to your own feeling. I swear I’ll continue to do all that I can to be an even greater boyfriend and partner for you.” Surely getting someone as great as you to fall for him was entirely due to his luck. It even made this moment happen… Though… being the caring person you were… possibly, just possibly, would this… all of this have happened anyway?

    Miu Iruma:

·       “My love, I’m home! I apologize for being late. Turns out the store had a sale and I had to run around town for a bit, but I found everything.” You weren’t surprised to be greeted to no response, in fact you would have been surprised to get a response at all, it was ever so rarer when you did. You skittered around the house, placing all the items away only being left with one last bag. With it in hand you trotted over to the back of the house were a large metal door lay embedded into the wall. You knocked a few times, getting no response. Just in case you checked the handle, finding the door was unlocked. You peeked in finding your wife working away at her table, sparks flying, that bright light reflected in her goggles. Not wanting to disturb her from her work you opted to just place the items away. However as you did so, you realized she was working with the wires that she was having trouble with, them constantly shorting out on her. Sidling up beside her you gave her a kiss to the temple as you placed the new wires beside her.

·       “Oh, so now you decide to show up! What took you so long? Playing with yourself because I was working?” Before you could answer Miu noticed the new wires. When she turned to face you she noticed that the supplies she was running low on were now replaced and refilled. “… What should I have expected. Of course you still grovel at my genius, sneaking into my workshop and seeing what I was low on.” “Yes your… b-bitchass genius goes uncompared-” Before you could continue you were cutoff by uproarious laughter, Miu doubling over, you catching her before she could fall out of her seat. “What the hell was THAT!?” “I… I-I wanted to try using your… colorful language. I thought you might like it and that does seem to be the case.” “Oh. My. God. I am SUCH a good bad influence on you!” She then smirked, wrapping her arms around your neck, pulling herself close and pressing herself against you. “Or my husband finally decided to get cocky and use that as an excuse to make me laugh and try to get a feel.” “Love, if I wanted to do that, I would just tell you I was in the mood.” “Whatever! This gives me a new idea for an invention.” “Oh, and what might that be?” Miu simply chuckled and booped your nose. “Oh, you’ll see.”

[techmomma]

I made big progress with my trauma recovery the other day! I’m really proud of doing a very hard thing, and honestly doing so made me feel so much better.

Said growth involves realizing some unfun things, so y’know, look out for that under the read more, even if I consider this a hopeful, uplifting realization by the end. Christ this is long, have fun reading this word wall.

So I essentially lived in a bitter divorce household. Y’know, when the two parents have an awful, agonizing divorce that pits the kids’ loyalties against each parent and each other and themselves.

I grew up in that. Except they never actually divorced. Or separated. Not till after I’d moved out, anyway. So 20+ years of living in a household where my parents flip-flopped between “trying to make it work” and “screaming at each other and bitterly trying to corral their kids in this us-vs-them, me vs your other parent toxic tug of war.”

Why didn’t they divorce? Codependency and religious pressure because both were previous divorcees, one was an excommunicated catholic because of this, and the other was a narcissist who couldn’t admit defeat and made a promise to god to make it work for fear of the shame that would come from failing again! What a winning pair! Who definitely did not mutually cheat on one another and then act scandalized and eternally vindictive about this.

Anyway, what this meant for Steph’s psyche was every day was an eternal battleground of loyalty tests. Any disagreement was disloyalty. Saying the wrong thing could be taken as disloyalty. Yet, y’know. You don’t want to be disloyal to the other parent that you love. You don’t wanna throw them under the bus. You just wanna say what you saw happened.

Which meant every answer became this tightrope of not only validating and appeasing one parent’s ego, but also finding the diplomatic thing to say so as not to implicate the other parent, or get that parent in trouble, or appear disloyal because that too could come around to bite you in the ass. Sometimes we agreed with what one parent was saying, but taking issue with a small part or one aspect? This was seen as fully disagreeing and being disloyal.

You can imagine the pressure this put on an already socially-awkward kid, ages 4-20, to find the exact correct thing to say. It rarely worked out.

But I figured out a clever loophole early on: if I shut down, if I didn’t make a peep, if I said not one word—sure. That parent would be mad at me for not responding. They’d be made I wasn’t saying anything. They might yell louder, or guilt me, or threaten me with some form of humiliation.

But not saying anything was so, so much better than any alternative. Never once did speaking up end well.

If you know about pavlovian training, you can probably quickly see the conditioning that was set in. Parent would state an opinion, about anything. Give validation. Parent looks for validation about shitty feelings about other people? Don’t say a peep, let parent be mad, and eventually they’ll either get so frustrated they give up, or they say their piece and get whatever was on their chest off of it. Either way, they leave me alone. Maybe after three hours of screaming at me, but three hours could turn into six if I made them more mad by disagreeing or seeming disloyal.

And for the record, when I talk about loyalty, I’m not saying they were asking about actual loyalty. They wanted me to agree with their opinions. They wanted me to be on their side, their ally, no matter what the other parent said. It was all or nothing. “You’re with me or against me.”

Made all the more complicated that sometimes, if you seemed disloyal to the other parent, the supposed “enemy” in the situation, the first parent might berate you for that too. “How could you talk about your mother/father that way? How could you say those things?” Despite having been saying worse things minutes before.

They were volatile. The smallest, stupidest things could become full-blown arguments that could last for hours, at the top of their lungs. After which they might turn that to us, the kids, to get out whatever was left in their system I guess. Small questions, statements, became tests. Answer wrong, and there would be hell to pay. The most innocuous things could become loyalty tests. But most of all, the most discerning tests came when they were complaining about the other. When Dad complained about Mom, and when Mom complained about Dad. “Agree with me,” they said between lines, “Are you on my side? Aren’t they terrible?”

I just wanted to love both of my parents. I never wanted to choose.

My epiphany came when I realized that when others seek comfort from me, when looking for validation during shitty events or people being mean to them—y’know, normal things people do with friends—I was having emotional flashbacks. I was being triggered into a state of trauma, my brain receding to that familiar shutdown state. Terrified that whatever I say to comfort them, whatever I say to help them feel better, would be taken as a loyalty test. To voice even slight disagreement could be disloyalty.

My friends had never tested me. But my brain was reacting so firmly and my body so wholly that I had no idea. I try to be aware of my emotional states and how my body reacts but this shutdown response has just been so normal for so long, and such a large bodily feeling, that I never noticed what it was. And it wasn’t until watching a video about this type of situation, feeling like you have to validate someone not necessarily from a place of concern but of fear, that I realized what was happened.

I realized how deep the rabbit hole went. This has been happening for decades. At work, when coworkers would complain or even just chat normally about other coworkers, my brain was shutting down out of fear that my loyalty was being tested, I was being scrutinized for disagreement. When customers talked about my coworkers, my brain was shutting down, terrified to say the wrong thing and either disagree with said customer or throw my coworker under the bus. I shut down when friends talk about other friends, when people talk about other people and maybe I agree, but there’s an aspect or idea in the situation that I don’t agree with, or maybe I’m just seeing things differently from an outside perspective.

But every time, I was terrified. I was so scared that my brain returned to trauma, returned to that shutdown state from childhood (and some adulthood), because shutting down, previously, had always yielded the better result. Staying quiet, keeping my head empty and my thoughts blank, kept me safe for twenty years.

And now I can’t hear other people talking in a room without returning to that same shutdown state, for fear that they are arguing and I will be forced to choose between people. To love one friend more than another. Forced to pick a side, forced to soothe their emotions because if I don’t, things will be so many times worse. Heaven forbid they have disagreeing opinions, even if they’re calmly sorting them out, communicating in a healthy way. God help me if they’re actually arguing. I can’t think, I can’t even speak sometimes, voice pulled tight like I’m being strangled; I can’t even squeak out a sound. It hurts too much. It hurts so much.

Sometimes I can hear people through my earbuds or headphones and all I can do is lay on my bed and plug my ears with my fingers as tight as possible and try to hum a song, try to force a mantra to drown out the sound as I desperately try to soothe myself with some kind of stim, even if it’s just rocking side to side on the bed.

I knew I had problems with listening to people disagreeing. But I realized the other day how deep the rabbit hole goes. How often, daily sometimes, I’ve been having emotional flashbacks. How thoroughly this has been effecting my life, my relationships, my sanity.

It’s been so exhausting. Realizing how many things connect back to this central issue of toxic loyalty that I grew up with, how thoroughly engrained this trauma is in my life. Realizing I’ve been having emotional flashbacks almost every day, for decades.

I’m so tired.

But I’m really glad I did. It’s putting a name to the beast. I am finally getting to the heart of an issue that was so much larger than I originally thought but in turn, there is so much potential to truly grow and heal. If I know the beast, then I can know how to face it. I can know how to use CBT therapy for this, how to weaken it to progress. And I’m really glad for it.

I also did something very hard: directly forcing myself to face it, and told my roommates about this deep-set fear. I realized that I don’t often just talk about how I’m feeling, I usually do so in the context of like having an issue or a problem that we need to talk out or talk through. I don’t usually just say, “I’m really really scared of this thing.”

I told my roommates this realization and like the wonderful, amazing friends they are, they understood. It’s an internal problem for me, something just for me to work on. It’s my issue. But now... they know that if I go quiet when discussing other people, or leave the room when disagreements are happening, I’m not just trying to blow them off or or be wishy-washy. I imagine there have been many times in the past when a friend has come in need of support and my answer came across weird or like I was trying to change the subject and it was awkward and not what they were hoping for.

Now they know that my response might be weird because I’m having a flashback. I’m scared, my brain is shutting down and I can’t think.

And that’s okay. It’s okay to be scared in front of my friends. It’s okay to experience that trauma in front of them. I don’t have to try to pretend I’m okay or try to push through the fear when I really, really can’t. It’s okay to need a subject change or even to just listen quietly if I don’t necessarily want my friend to stop venting, I just may not be able to answer in a beneficial way. I may be shutting down and sometimes all I can do is wait it out. And that’s okay.

I don’t have to validate other people because I’m scared. Because I think I’m being tested.

I felt better not just because talking about these things helps but also because a weight was lifted. One of my main triggers is feeling like I have to respond and have to respond correctly Or Else. But now that they know, that weight is off of my shoulders. I can be afraid and not able to respond and they understand why now. I don’t have to try to keep up that lie or try to put on a face or try to push through it.

I can be scared. And letting yourself be scared is the first step to healing from it. I don’t have to pretend to not be scared anymore.

I always know I’ve hit the hammer on the head when it comes to my emotional issues because I start crying and even just typing this out made me weepy, haha. It’s a good weepy though. I made a big step, and I’m really proud of myself. My instinct was to take this and agonize quietly over it myself, find my own solution on my own and deal with it on my own. But I didn’t. I reached out, and it was scary and hard and it hurt and now I’m so, so much better off for it, and now I can really start healing. I can change this.

God I’m so tired tho. Holy shit.

[mollrat101]

I think it’s just different tastes honestly. I don’t like the fact that we don’t see Lottie intentionally trying to establish her cult in 96 but part of the reason that doesn’t happen is there’s no real power struggle after Jackie’s death.

Jackie dying left behind a power vacuum that set up season 2 for a power struggle of essentially who would be the new captain or queen, if you will. And yet that doesn’t really happen. No one seems to want the position of leader which doesn’t seem realistic. In groups, someone would want to have power. So Lottie never has to get manipulative to maintain her power mostly because no real challengers appear, like the queen bee discussion between adult Natalie and Lottie would suggest. At the time, I thought that meant that teen Lottie took down her rival queens to seize power. 

The most likely candidates to challenge Lottie for power would be Taissa and Natalie, two people who represent logic and pragmatism. They would’ve been great philosophical foils if pitted against each other in a power struggle. 

But one of my big problems with season 2 is how little conflict there was in the group despite season 1 leaving openings for that. 

I don’t think it has to be either/or here. You can have both complex characterization of teen Lottie and have her be a symbol, particularly showing how the core 4 women think about Lottie. At the end of the day, my view on Lottie has always been she’s more important in how the core 4 look at her than herself as a character. 

I think I also just didn’t buy why a group with as many diverse opinions as this one would fall for Lottie’s superstition without her having some kind of manipulation and appealing to people’s fears and hopes. Cults don’t really work without that. I think my dissatisfaction with it comes from the fact that I don’t think the writing of the group dynamic in the teen timeline was particularly strong. 

The dramatic question in the teen timeline is “how do the girls end up at the Pit Girl scene?” Which means a lot of psychological horror of a cannibalistic cult being formed before our eyes and it didn’t resonate with me as convincing. I think it would’ve been more interesting to see Lottie psychologically manipulate, particularly the core 4 (the only characters in the group we actually care about), one by one until they fell under the spell of the cult. 

And again, Lottie will tell herself during all of this that she’s doing it for their own good. That she’s the group’s only hope. She’s doing it to set them free, can’t they see that? She found her power in the woods and she’s going to help them find it too. Not as though they have much choice though because, in this situation, not going along with the group surely means death. It’s a combination of manipulation, groupthink and the extreme situation they’re in that adds up to a superstitious, religious cult. 

I also feel like my disappointment is related to what was foreshadowed at the end of season 1. Lottie crowns herself during Doomcoming and starts giving orders. Who told Jackie she didn't matter anymore. Another unborn queen stung to death.Lottie is the one who takes the bear heart to the tree stump and Misty and Van bow behind her. Lottie is the one who tells Ben to stay out of Shauna and Jackie's argument. Lottie already seems to be taking charge and it's entirely of her own volition. I wanted that Lottie.

I wanted a Lottie that, like the other women, isn't dealing with her trauma well. Not just the trauma of the woods but even before the crash. I don't understand why Lottie's response to having a wealthy, controlling and abusive father would be to be self-sacrificial. My disconnect with it is I don't understand where this is coming from. Getting validation of her visions in the woods, you'd think make her rethink how she was treated and see it for how unfair it was. That she'd get angry at her father. But that's my problem with Lottie. She doesn't get angry or selfish or be in anyway unlikeable. She's traumatized yes, but until the end of season 2, she doesn't respond by doing anything particularly messy or bad. Which is in contrast to the way the other women behave and it makes me wonder "why is she in this story?"

I think it's just different tastes honestly. I don't find her tendency to be self-sacrificial to be compelling. Her desire to help people is fine but it's not paired with more interesting, complicated traits in a story about complicated women.

Plus, if she's going to be an antagonist in the adult timeline, we have to see some of the seeds of why she becomes that in the teen timeline. She doesn't have to be as calculating, but we have to understand why the Lottie that was suggested in season 1 (who stalked Nat and kidnapped her) would turn out like that.

I'm always going to choose agency because I find it more compelling, especially in a story that in season 1 seemed to be about how these women were trying to gain back as much of their agency as possible, even if that showed up in immoral or messy ways.

Sorry this was long, I just have a lot of Lottie thoughts lol.

TLDR: Lottie should've been given more agency and more complicated traits in both timelines. It would've made her more compelling.

people who think Lottie should have been the “villain” of the show or blatantly evil make no sense to me. You’re telling me you DONT want a nuanced story. You want the writers to take the most basic, ableist, boring route possible. I see this take from people who I think otherwise have really good opinions on yj it’s mind boggling

[sailor-manga]

“Caught” Part Three- a Shouta Aizawa fic.

A/N: Ya’ll I’m so sorry, I really thought part three was going to be the final part, but of course my angsty, sad ass had to draw it out. I’m really liking how this is turning out though and I’m hoping you all have enjoyed it too! You can read the first two parts on my Masterlist. I also slipped in some KiriBaku because why the hell not? xD

Warnings: Swearing, Angst.

Word count: 2,520.

You had finally made it to your house, makeup completely down your face. Desperately trying to catch your breath, you would press your back against the door and choke out a loud, and ugly sounding sob. You had absolutely no idea why this was hitting you hard as it was. You knew that there’d always be a chance that Shouta didn’t want anything to do with you in those kinds of terms. You were just a college student, he was a reserved, mature man who also happened to be a pro hero. He didn’t have time for girls like you.

Wiping at your face now, you would cough out and hold your stomach, you felt like you were going to get sick. You stayed like that for quite a few hours, just sitting and letting out the tears, holding back any kind of bile that wanted to come up. After semi calming yourself, you would lift yourself from the floor and quietly shuffle into your room to use a makeup wipe to get all the junk off your face.

Stripping down into PJ’s, you’d crawl into bed and pull the blankets up to your chin, letting out a shaky breath. You contemplated not going to classes for a while, but you were already so behind, you couldn’t risk that.. Tomorrow you’d just have to try your best to avoid the roguish demon.

By the time morning came, you awoke with a migraine, your legs still hurt from running all the way home- It was just a bad day all around. Pushing yourself up, you would grab your phone from the bedside table and check for any notifications. Your heart dropped to see an unread message from Shouta.

Shouta Aizawa: “Please answer me, I need to know you made it home okay”

Staring at the message, you let out a soft scoff and quickly delete it without answering or opening up fully. The reminder of last night slowly flooding into your thoughts and making your eyes start to well with tears. Quickly tossing your phone onto the mattress, you’d wipe at your wet eyes and get up, saunting over to your dresser to get out an outfit for the day. Your attire definitely matched how you were feeling, like last night, you wore a pair of snug black leggings, and a black pullover hoodie with the U.A College logo on it. Very plain, very “Don’t talk to me” vibes. 

Grabbing your red messenger bag, you would sling it around your shoulder and grab your phone before setting out to classes. At this point, you didn’t care if you were late- You kind of wanted to wait until everyone was in, that way you wouldn’t be bothered nor would you see Shouta. 

Once you got onto Campus, you would thankfully make it late to your first class without any sort of interruptions. Yes, you got scolded- But it was worth it. 

As you were sitting through your lecture, your phone would buzz in your hoodie pocket. Slowly pulling it out, you would feel a lump in your throat.. It was him again. 

Shouta Aizawa: “Please Y/N, I didn’t see you at all at the start of classes.. Just say one thing to me so I know you’re alright.” 

Staring at the message, you would open it up to reply, but quickly delete it instead.. You couldn’t handle it, every time you saw his name pop up, you wanted to choke out a sob. It was still fresh and you were valid to feel that way, but you truly didn’t know the stress you were causing the pro hero. 

--

In his class, he was grading papers, his phone right next to him in case it would go off. He found himself picking up the device to check, just in case he missed the noise.. Nothing. Growling out, Shouta would run a hand over his face and set the phone back on the desk. Why were you doing this to him? He said his piece last night, you probably just needed to recover.. But he couldn’t help but feel his pit of guilt and stress not hearing from you. All he wanted to know was that you were okay.

 --

Your first class of the day was over ,and thankfully you didn’t get any more texts either. Quietly getting up, you would filter out of the room with other students. Pulling your hood up, you would sulk to the cafe area, hoping a coffee would maybe pick you up and get rid of the very distracting migraine. As you walked though, you felt a weird pit in your stomach. Pausing for a moment, you would look around with a frown.. What was this feeling? 

Just as you were about to turn around, you would hear someone shout your name. Biting your lip, your eyes would finally fall on Shouta, speed walking towards you with a concerned yet irritated expression. Quickly turning your back towards him, you would jog forward and quickly grab the arm of the first person you passed. 

“Oi, what the fuck do you think you’re doing hanging all over my boyfriend?” a voice growled. Looking up some, you would see Katsuki Bakugo, you remembered him vividly from high school because of the temper. “Ah, now babe.. Chill out, look at her face, it’s very clear she’s trying to avoid someone” another voice rang. Moving your eyes to the left, you would see Eijiro Kirishima, the man you happened to randomly grab. “Don’t worry, cutie! Walk with us” he said cheerfully, which caused Katsuki to huff out in irritation. Eijiro sighed and grabbed his boyfriends hand before slinging his other arm around you “Where you headed?” he asked with a kind smile. 

“My class is the opposite way, but please just.. Walk with me for a moment” you muttered out with a frown, your heart practically beating out of your chest. Eijiro would nod and continue at a slower pace “No problem, cutie! I remember you from high school.. Weren’t we in 1A together?” he’d ask curiously. Nodding softly, you would bite your lip “Yeah, that’s me” you’d say in a hushed tone. Slowly turning around to look back behind you, there was no sign of him stalking after you, maybe he saw you latch yourself onto Eijiro and figured it wouldn’t be good to bug you while you were with friends. 

Soon Eijiro would slow to a stop “This is us, you gonna be okay?” he asked curiously “Come on, shitty hair.. We’re already late because of this dumbass.. She looks fine” Katsuki growled, pulling his boyfriend more towards him and creating a distance between you and the redhead “I-I’m fine, realy.. Thanks again, and sorry” you muttered, the apology more towards Katsuki who very much didn’t appreciate you grabbing onto Eijiro. 

“Well, see you later then, maybe we can catch up sometime!” Eijiro chimed happily as Katsuki dragged him into their class. You were thankful that people were kind like Kirishima.. Even if you did piss off Bakugo a bit,  but honestly, who doesn’t piss him off? Letting out a sigh, you’d watch as the last of the students filtered into rooms. Swallowing hard, you would pull your phone out and frown, you were pretty late now.. 

Deciding against being scolded again, you would grip onto your bag and head towards the library, maybe you could at least get some studying done. 

--

He felt like a fucking teenager, he was still continously checking his phone, when he tried to confront you, you ran off and latched yourself to someone else, causing a weird jealously to well up inside of him. It’s barely been twenty four hours and he was going crazy. The more you ignored him, the more you avoided him.. The more he was starting to feel like he made a grave mistake. 

--

Once you made it to the library, you would take a seat at an empty table and pull the laptop out of your bag. Opening it up, you would let out a sigh and pull out the syllabus from the class you were currently missing. 

As you typed away and got more into your work, Shouta would have made his way into the library, just a hunch that you’d be in there. He would pause at the door and have his eyes fixated on your form.. How, how did you manage to turn him into such a mess? He was trained not to wear his emotions on his sleeve, but here you were, causing him to actively look for you.. Just to see if you were okay, just to see you.. 

You would occasionally check the time, making sure that this time you actually made it to your next class when you were supposed too. 

When that time came around, you would close your laptop and slide it into your bag before getting up and slinging it around your shoulder. Thankfully your next class was close to the library, so if you did have to take a detour, you probably still wouldn’t be late. 

Your last class for the day wasn’t too bad, it was just note taking and thankfully you didn’t get any more text messages from Shouta. Though it did still ring in the back of your mind, classes really did help getting your focus off of it. Now, was the hard part.. Going home and having nothing to distract you from it. 

As you exited the class, Kirishima stood there with a wide smile on his face, Bakugo quietly throwing a fit behind him “Hey there! We just wanted to see if you were doing okay, and if you maybe wanted some buddies to walk home with?” he asked cheerfully, causing Bakugo to huff “Not we, him” he muttered out, crossing his arms. “Ignore him, he’s always grumpy!” he said hooking his arm around yours, pulling you along before you could really even answer him. It was all welcome though, you were actually pretty touched that Eijiro had you in his head as they were leaving. 

As he pulled you along, Shouta would be watching from his own classroom a scowl on his face. He had planned to confront you as you were walking home, but it seemed that Eijiro had saved the day again. He knew that texting you would be useless.. He needed to talk to you, and he would.. He just had to catch you when you were alone, cut you off and surrender his pride just to get a moment of your time. 

The walk home with Kiri and Bakugo was actually really refreshing, even though the blonde did make it his goal to call you a dumbass about fifty times. The fact that he was still there was enough for you. 

“So are you going to tell me who this mystery guy is that’s gotten you all frantic?” Eijiro asked, which immediately made you swallow dryly “I-I can’t.. It’s better if he just goes unnamed” you said softly, which made the spikey haired male nod “Of course, I understand” he said with a smile. Bakugo would quietly huff before finally speaking up “Yeah- Well.. Cheer the fuck up, whoever that guy is, obviously doesn’t see the potential in you, so fuck him” he grunted before letting out a soft “Tch” noise. “I-I only say that because you’re being a pain in my ass” he added, trying to make it clear that he most certainly didn’t care. 

Eijiro would chuckle before squeezing the males shoulder “Though it was put rudely.. I do agree with him, I wouldn’t waste any more thought on that guy” he mused happily before the three of you would stop “This is my place, thanks again.. Both of you” you’d say with a light smile on your face “Yeah, whatever..” Katsuki huffed before looking off. 

Eijiro would roll his eyes at his boyfriend before patting your shoulder “No problem! If you ever need some walking buddies, just hit me up!” he said handing over a slip of paper that had his number scribbled on it “Thanks” you’d add before waving to the two of them and walking into your apartment. 

Letting out a soft sigh, you would smile.. It was kind of unfortunate you never got super close to Eijiro in high school, you two would definitely have to make up for lost time, because he was nice.. It was nice to have someone looking out for you. Plopping down on your sofa, you’d glance at the piece of paper in your hands and quickly pull out your phone to save his number. The only worry you had was that you really didn’t hope Katsuki thought you were trying to zero in on his man, because that wasn’t the case at all. 

Biting onto your lip, you were tempted to text him just to thank him again- But you decided against it, you didn’t want to be that overly annoying friend, not yet at least. 

You were just about to set your phone down again when it started to vibrate. Lifting the screen to your eyes, your heart would drop.. Shouta was calling you. You didn’t even have it in you to hit decline, you just watched as the lit screen continued to notify you before going black. Glancing down, you would let out a soft breath.. Why? Was he still bothering you.. He already hurt you, was he trying to rub salt in the wound? 

What made things worse, your phone would vibrate one last time. You assumed he left a voicemail, which you had every intention to delete without listening- But to your surprise it was a text. 

Shouta Aizawa: “Y/N, you are driving me fucking crazy.. Please talk to me, I will leave you alone if you just grant me this one meet up.”

Opening the message fully, you’d stare at it for a moment.. Why did he want to meet up with you? Why was he even trying to get a hold of you after what he did?! Shaking your head and sucking in breath, you would force the tears back before tossing your phone onto the couch and burying your face into your hands. 

--

Shouta sat in his classroom, doing some last minute work when he texted her. He would stare at the message intently, and when the little ‘read’ icon would pop up, he brought the screen closer to his face “Come on.. Come on..” he growled “What the fuck are you doing to me..” he would sigh, shaking his head some. It was obvious you weren’t going to reply, and that made him feel like he was going fucking mad. Tossing the phone onto the desk he would let out another growl. He needed to talk to you, needed to fix this because he knew for sure now that he had made a big fucking mistake.. He needed you, he wanted you, he had you.. And now he was losing you because of his own actions. 

“Tomorrow.. No more fucking around” he growled.. 

--

[gofancyninjaworld]

2020 in One-Punch Man. Part 1: Manga

How shall I describe this succinctly?

It's like ONE and Murata looked around them, saw a raging pandemic, massive disruption to all walks of life, uncertainty of when, if, or how it might affect them, took a massive drag of their cigarettes and said: “Fuck being conservative.  Let's go wild. Fuck making our current arc a webcomic retread with fancier fights.  Let's introduce more lore, let's have more characters interact in ways one would never have imagined, let's have characters do things that hadn't previously been thought of and make this really exciting.“

If you were holding onto the webcomic as your guide to what next, 2020 was not a good year for you. 

723 pages in 24 updates (including revisions) changed the status quo ante in deliciously unanticipated ways!

Where we left off in 2019, we were following the webcomic pretty faithfully, with most manga-original elements being removed at a fast clip.  Phoenixman was dead, the mercenaries had died a brutal death, the ninjas had been resurrected but had run off buck naked, Orochi was dead, G5 was very much destroyed, Drive Knight had appeared but had obligingly limped off, taking Nyan with him.  The S-Class heroes were in trouble with the cadre exactly as expected and Saitama had met up with Flashy Flash.  Tatsumaki had finally found Psykos. Yup, no real changes here.

2020, HAHA! 

Awaken!

Throwing manga-specific elements away? As if!   They took the great opportunity that preparing chapters for publication to critically review and revise the story so as to first, make it move at a faster pace and second, to be enriched.   It’s meant that chapters for volume 22, 23, and 24 (to come) have been redrawn to accommodate the changes and we got the benefit of many of them between April and August of this year.

We started with Phoenixman’s fight with Child Emperor.  It started innocuously enough with Phoenixman resurrecting, but then we got a much more interesting chunk of knowledge -- the existence of a metaphysical world modelled on one’s on psyche where the assault on Child Emperor’s sense of self took a much more existential nature. 

From a purely physical battle (and some nifty cool info about the Subterraneans) to an otherworldy battle happening in parallel with the physical battle:

It ended up a very interesting examination of Child Emperor’s character and his relationships with other heroes, as well as telling us something else freaky about Saitama’s ability to be anywhere he damn well wants to be.

Ah, and Phoenixman lives. Albeit as a little chick (for now).  He’ll probably be back, but not just yet.

The mercenaries were next.  They didn’t die.  Not because Amai Mask had a change of heart, but because Iaian listened to the niggling feeling in the pit of his stomach and turned his team mates around to intervene just in time. 

As you’d expect, trying to guide the mercenaries back to the safety of the surface has been an incredibly challenging ordeal for the disciples. It’s revealed much more about the way the disciples trust each other and lean on one another, and yet, when there was no option to do so, Iaian stepped up wonderfully to fight to save the mercenaries.

We’ve also learned something interesting about why mercenaries exist at all in a world supposedly at peace.  I look forward to seeing where this plot might go next.

Elsewhere,  we got to learn a little less about Puri Puri’s dancing and swimming lessons, but we got some really awesome nods to the mythical in Bakuma (the baku is a long-nosed creature formed out of all the bits left over after creation that eats dreams) and Electric Catfish Man’s sudden sense of doom is both reference to the way catfish are supposed to detect earthquakes and just damn cool. 

A monsterised exploitative business man taking the form of a demonic dream-eating monster that consumes weaker monsters so as to exploit their abilities is so appropriate on many levels (and unreasonably hot!).

Yes, Waganma does make it to the surface, along with Saitama and Child Emperor.  Saitama gets chased away by a Sekingar outraged that there’s a clueless hero just wandering aimlessly around.  Child Emperor goes back underground and I loved to death Waganma being pierced with remorse as he realises that the hero is going to go risk his life anyway.   He’s spoiled, but his keeping quiet came from a place of being a scared human being desperate to be saved  (a surprising number of fans did not like that -- they preferred to think of him as a psychopathic monster incapable of remorse).

Orochi still has a date with a gloved fist, but he’s getting to live a little longer than he did before.

Overall the story is tighter and there’s a lot more interest as well as future plot hooks than there were.  I’m interested in seeing how it gets tied up in the next volume sometime in 2021.

Reddit did not take it well.  Summary of discourse:

sorry not sorry, I lost patience around the 500th whiny post

Advance!

What about the new chapters we got?  Also here, ho ho ho, that status quo has gotten a good kicking!

Orochi came back.  Not the most surprising surprise in the world, given how carelessly Saitama punched him. Also not surprising that he came back stronger; Phoenixman had wonderfully demonstrated that monsters can bounce back from near-death situations much stronger.  But his form... such a disgusting, slimy, ever-shifting mass of tentacles and dragons, consuming all in its way led to the third craziest development: his fusion with Psykos to launch a new monster.

I’ll spare you the disgusting intermediate stages but the end result has been the birth of Psykos-Orochi and with that, what had been a total sweep for Tatsumaki turned into a much more dangerous enterprise where every mistake of hers got punished brutally.

Why is that only number three?  Because Tatsumaki raised up the entire base to try to encompass the whole monster (and it turns out that she was thinking far too small -- the monster had actually eaten large sections of City Z) and Psykos-Orochi uses the space to launch a beam so powerful that it literally cuts off part of the Earth itself.  It was a real I see it, but I don’t believe it moment.

if you didn’t spend a few seconds just staring in disbelief, you’re not paying attention. OMG.  Boy is the Earth in trouble.

Why is that only the second craziest thing?  Because of why this fusion monster was able to do as it did. ‘God’ doesn’t just go round looking like a semi-tangible being giving random homeless men magic powers.  Yup, the Earth really in in trouble if some supernatural being is smushing monsters together to make a stronger one and then granting it extra powers.   Just like that, the struggle has turned cosmic.

Tatsumaki trying to figure out how to fight back and save City Z from being swept away by a tsunami, save the heroes, and save the planet from further damage by the beams all at the same time was one of the most spectacular fights to date. 

As I said earlier, this monster has presented Tatsumaki with a real fight where the slightest mistake on her part leads to severe punishment.  She wound up in trouble when she underestimated how extensive the monster actually was and let up on twisting it too early, only to have it come right back and skewer her hands. 

Thankfully, Genos came in and saved her from that pinch, then held the monster at bay long enough for Tatsumaki to finish saving the strike team so she could give the monster her undivided attention.

Which is a very tame way of saying that that was an incredible development in capability.   That some of the fandom had trouble accepting (they suck). Watching their protests has been an exercise in special pleading.  They have no trouble understanding how Murata uses scale...until it came to accepting the size of the explosion resulting from Genos smacking away Psyko-Orochi’s execution beam then it had to be a fisheye lens (visibly incorrect, but who’s talking facts here?).   Have had no trouble understanding how Murata portrays escalation... until it came to accepting that Genos is strong then no, somehow the monster had to be weaker.   Have had no trouble with the freeze frame language that Murata uses to portray things happening at great speed... until it came to accepting that Genos could move really, really fast.   For some people, the new is only welcome when it confirms and validates preconceptions.  Anyway, that’s my rant done!

the most unlikely of partnerships and they’re still going despite having taken a hell of a battering since this scene

Guess who’s back?

We’ve also been seeing more heroes come back to the fray.  The emergence of the Tower of Doom acted as a clarion call to every hero around and able to move.  Metal Bat sneaked out of hospital to come running back.  Tank Top Master hitched a ride with Mumen Rider to go to City Z.  He intended to stick around and save people, but seeing how much wider scale the fight was,  he literally threw himself into battle. 

Drive Knight decided he literally had to have a piece of the action,  took up a ton of power from the nearest substation and came flying in to intercept a desperately escaping Psyko-Jet... ah, I didn’t say?  Yes, the monster turned into a machine to run away once hard-pressed.

And we finally got to see what Blast actually looks like, courtesy of a flashback of Amai Mask’s.   He definitely looks the part of a caped superhero and it’s little wonder he’s stuck in the imaginations of so many.   But now I’m even more interested in seeing what his deal is and what is he’s like now

The one thing we know for sure will be happening is that Garou will not be denied his destiny.   He’s coming.  But what else is happening?  Ah, that’s all in the air.

Bring on 2021!

[gcldenharvey]

“The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly” - Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

The Basics:

Name: Harvard Hargrove III

Nicknames: Harvey, Harv, Goldie, Veevee

Age: 19

Birthday: March 31st, 1979

Gender: Cis man

Pronouns: He/him/his

Sexuality: Straight

Major: Business

Former school: UCLA

Job: N/A, his dad still completely supports Harvey financially

Faceclaim: Jacob Elordi

Personality Positives: Magnetic, extroverted, athletic

Personality Negative: Wrathful, duplicitous, destructive

About:

YOU'RE THE GUY EVERYONE WANTS TO BE. QUARTERBACK, POPULAR KID. THE FACADE LOOKS PERFECT ON THE OUTSIDE, BUT INSIDE YOU'RE CRUMBLING. YOU'RE GETTING ANGRY AT THE WORLD IN A WAY THAT YOU'VE NEVER BEEN BEFORE. YOU GO OUT LATE AT NIGHT LOOKING FOR FIGHTS; CRAVING THE FEELING OF GETTING YOUR FISTS WET WITH BLOOD, BUT YOU'RE DOING EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO HIDE THAT PART OF YOURSELF FROM EVERYONE AROUND YOU. YOUR FATHER GROWS MORE DISAPPOINTED BY THE MINUTE, AND EVERY SINGLE DAY YOU THINK ABOUT RUNNING AWAY. BUT NOW THAT EVERYONE YOU LOVE IS BACK IN TOWN, HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO LEAVE? YOU AND LUX WERE CHILDHOOD NEIGHBORS. YOU GREW UP MAKING MUD PIES, AND SNEAKING OUT TO PARTIES TOGETHER. LOOKING IN THROUGH HER BEDROOM WINDOW GETS HARDER EVERY SINGLE DAY. YOU KNEW SHE WASN'T PERFECT, BUT YOU WERE OKAY WITH THAT... NOBODY IS PERFECT. BUT SOMETIMES YOU WONDER IF YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WHO KNEW THAT SIDE OF HER. YOU KIND OF HOPE YOU WERE.

Secrets:

The Small Stuff: At UCLA, Harvey found his way into an underground fight club, which he quickly grew to adore. Rising through the ranks with remarkable speed, Harvey learned that the best way to stop someone looking at you funny is to make sure he can’t see straight. Now, back in Cherry, his entire body itches for a fight he can’t find a release for.

The Big Stuff: YOU WERE ARRESTED FOR AGGRAVATED ASSAULT AT YOUR LAST COLLEGE, AND SHOULD HAVE FACED JAIL TIME. THANKS TO YOUR FATHER'S MONEY, THE PROBLEM WAS HIDDEN IN THE SHADOWS AND YOU WERE ALLOWED TO QUIETLY TRANSFER... BUT YOU KNOW IT CAN'T BE THAT SIMPLE. YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE IN THE GANG WHO WAS PLANNING TO COME BACK TO CHERRY ANYWAY, BUT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TELL ANYONE. IF EVEN ONE PERSON FOUND OUT ABOUT WHAT YOU AND YOUR FATHER DID, IT WOULD END YOUR CAREER BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED, AND COST YOUR FATHER HIS OWN. AKA, YOU WOULD BOTH BE ROYALLY FUUUUUUUCKED. NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT NOBODY WOULD EVER LOOK AT YOU THE SAME.

The Interview:

“HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW THAT EVERYONE IS BACK IN CHERRY?”

The grin that stretched across Harvey’s face was wide and bright and he leaned forward in the chair, that one too-short leg of it rocking forward to hit the ground as Harvey leaned forwards towards Clarissa. Only someone that knew the boy well would have caught the tension running along the sides of his eyes that pulled on the smile, making it appear just a touch brittle. “Oh it’s great,” Harvey said, voice carrying easily through the small room. “This is where we all came from, this is what made us all who we are and now…” Harvey trailed off, swallowing around a lump in his throat. The smile had faded entirely but with effort, Harvey managed to bring it back, though it was a pale shadow of its original form. “With Lux gone, I think we’re going to need each other. Or, well, most of each other. There are some people I could have gone my entire life without seeing again!” A light laugh punctuated that statement, but the creak of wood underneath Harvey’s hands as they gripped the wooden arm of the chair with a white-knuckled tension spoke louder than the laughter.

He consciously relaxed his hand, before bringing it over to smooth down a non-existent wrinkle in his pants. He knew coming here without a drink or three was a bad idea. Harvey didn’t think about the bags that had remained unpacked since he had gotten back to town that now lay scattered along his dorm room like soldiers on a battlefield, quietly saying that tomorrow, surely, he would leave. He didn’t think about the ever-growing hole in the plaster he was hiding in his closet. It had formed when he heard the news, that everyone, everyone minus Lux was back, for better or for worse. The worse, Harvey had reflected in those rare moments of peace that he only ever found in the moments after a punch was thrown, seemed far more likely, given the fucking bullshit of the past few years. No, Harvey didn’t think about any of this, and just smiled at Clarissa instead. “It’s definitely going to be interesting.” And that was the most honest thing he had said thus far.

“WHERE DO YOU SPEND MOST OF YOUR FREE TIME?”

“Well,” Harvey began, leaning towards Clarissa with an expression well-known in town forming across his face. It was the look he got when he was flirting and was supposed to make him look mysterious and yet approachable. Whether or not it actually did that, Harvey had no idea. No one had ever bothered to tell him. It seemed to work often enough for him to believe it had some validity. “If you’re wondering where you might find me for a bit of fun, you can always check the track. I’m usually there in the mornings before class. If that doesn’t work, you can probably find me on the beach, or at the best party in town.” He winked. “I know how to have a good time. If you’re ever looking for one, hit me up.”

That all was true. Harvey wasn’t in the habit of lying to beautiful women, after all. Not if it meant some fun could be had in the future. Lying about everything else? Yeah, sure, that’s fair game, but not that. It just fit too well with the rest of how people expected Harvey to be for him to not take full advantage. Plus, it was fun. But even though it might have been true, that didn’t make it fully honest. Harvey would never tell anyone, though, just how much time he spent in The Pit, or how the sounds of The Garage provided a steady pounding noise that focused Harvey like nothing else as he hung around it hoping to one day ask for a job. But that wasn’t the charming athletic party boy his father had told him to become, or else, and so those places, the places that saw more of Harvey than anywhere else, remained a secret.

“WOULD YOU CALL YOURSELF POPULAR?

It was the first genuine sound Harvey thought he had made during the entire time he had been in that room, and it punctured the air like a pin through a balloon. “I wouldn’t go that far,” Harvey hedged, using his hands to make his point, “I don’t exactly have a huge friend group and there’s a few people in town now that I’m pretty damn sure aren’t my biggest fan.” Harvey shrugged with one shoulder, the hand of the other going up to scratch behind his ear in a nervous gesture he never quite managed to break. “But yeah, I guess, if you wanted to, you could call me that. I was quarterback, you know, and definitely never had problems getting any dates to the dances. If that’s all popularity is, then I guess you could call me a popular kind of guy.”

They never ask what all that costs, Harvey reflected. The thought sent a bolt of fury, bright and true like lightning, straight through his body into his gut. He shifted slightly in the chair which rocked with the movement. Harvey shifted again and it rocked back. He decided not to move again any time soon. The noise of it made that burning in his chest that much stronger and he could feel his jaw clenching with the effort it took to appear unaffected. Not for the first time, Harvey thanked his lucky stars he had as much practice with that as he did. He also cursed them in equal measure, for forcing his shoulders to learn to carry that weight without crumbling. But what was it that Dad always said? ‘No one expects you to change anything, Harvey. All we ask you to do is soldier through to the other side’? Words to live by, apparently. He couldn’t stop the snort that escaped at that thought, but he waved off Clarissa’s curious look. “Sorry. Old joke from the locker room. Nothing you’d want to hear.”

“DO YOU REALLY THINK LUX KILLED HERSELF? ”

“I do.” The words came easily, without thought. Harvey knew he had thought about this a lot, considered it while laying in bed or while driving to the next party. It forced its way into nearly every moment of his life, and though he had done his best to drown it out, Harvey hadn’t managed to yet. “I lived next door to her, right? Our bedrooms were right across from each other and I knew she wasn’t perfect. I think she knew I wasn’t perfect either. But I saw things, overheard things.” He shrugged again, this time with both shoulders. “It wasn’t easy on her and I think she just took the fastest way out she could.” The smile that came across Harvey’s face now was tinged in heartbreak and the weights he felt ties to his shoulders every day. “I kinda get why she did it, too. There’s only so long you can tread water before your arms and legs just give out and you drown.” He shifted backwards and the chair moved with him. “I’ve seen it happen. I’ve had it happen.”

Headcanons:

While Harvey is majoring in business, this is entirely because this is what his father expected of him, and as he’s spent his entire life living up to those expectations, it seemed easier, at the time, to just go along with it. He doesn’t like it though.

That old muscle car Harvey drives is the last thing he has of his mother, who died when he was seven. She willed that car to him and he treats it better than he treats some people. It is his most prized possession.

Harvey knows that in order to leave town like he desperately wants, he needs a job to get his own money. But getting a job would lead to questions from his father, from people around town, everyone. He can’t have that. Harvey has a reputation to maintain after all, and so he feels as if he’s in a form of limbo right now.

Lux and Harvey used to sneak out through their bedroom windows, sometimes helping the other get across the roof or down onto the pavement below. Harvey fondly remembers those times, how it all felt like a secret he was in on that no one else knew about. There was a unity in it, an understanding that they were both running away from something. Now that Harvey wants to leave Cherry for real, he almost feels an obligation to do it for Lux.

The man is heterosexual, almost to a fault. He has absolutely forgotten to attend get-togethers with friends or to finish up homework in favor of a date with a beautiful woman.

His favorite subject in high school, much to the surprise of all that knew him, was English. He really enjoyed discussing the books. Writing the papers, however, was a real drag and his work never really reflected his understanding of the material. This only lead more to the perpetuation of the “dumb jock” stereotype as he talked a lot but got horrible grades. Despite this, he bought a copy of every book they read and kept them.

Harvey’s favorite kinds of movies are action-comedies. His favorite movie is Ghostbusters but he has a secret soft-spot for movies like The Dead Poet’s Society and Sixteen Candles. He would, however, break the nose of anyone that shared this piece of information.

He failed his driver’s test three different times because he kept blowing through red lights.

He is allergic to strawberries. This was discovered back in Kindergarten with a snack that had strawberry jam. It caused his throat to swell up and for him to be sent to the hospital. This was the first time Harvey was at the center of the school’s focus but it wouldn’t be the last. Harvey grew to love the idea of being at the focus of everything and turned to sports to fulfill that desire.

Pinterest

[oveliagirlhaditright]

Just... Nomura can’t write female characters. He never has been able to, and he probably never will. And I see no point in denying that anymore, and I find it weird when people do.

Kairi he’s dropped the ball with numerous times (though I do think there’s been a lot of great there, and I don’t think she’s as bad as people say. Like, the fandom consent seems to be that the other girls have at least had some moments of greatness, but Kairi has mostly always been bad. And I don’t agree. I think they’re more on par than people think. Like, everyone always says that Naminé’s better than Kairi, because she had an arc in CoM: an arc where she was being used by the Organization--and partly wanted to be used, because she did want to make herself a part of someone’s heart--but then realized what she was doing was wrong, and stood up to them despite the odds and made things right. They then say she’s better than KH1 Kairi for this reason. But KH1 Kairi had an arc too, that most people didn’t see: about her being afraid of change because of her traumatic past, and having to let of of that in the end, in letting Sora and Riku leave her. And I think that’s just as valid).

Naminé used to be pretty great... but she’s pretty much disappeared from the series at this point (like Kairi used to be disappeared from it, and has pretty much been Exposition Girl every time she shows up again).

Xion... Xion is wonderful (though you still have people arguing this). And I feel she hasn’t really failed yet? But I sadly think this is somehow a happy accident, and it’ll probably happen eventually. Also, there are days I wonder if Nomura treats Xion well, because deep down he mostly sees her as another Sora: a boy. Since she was supposed to be a clone of him, after all. I sincerely hope not, but I still have this fear. Edit: Okay. So here’s the thing with Xion. There are people who think this girl is a complete Mary-Sue and has no development and nothing to her story... and those people are just wrong. They are. You also have people who think she’s useless, because at the beginning of Days she can only fire spells to help you (but not very well). And eventually she loses her Keyblade, and that kind of thing, and has to rely on Roxas and Axel to get her out of this situation. Some people seriously hate on her for this, because they think she was a burden to her friends. And I don’t think these people get what the point of friendship is, then. But Xion’s a pretty good character. Days is half her story (which actually angers some people, as they think she stole what was supposed to be Roxas’ and/or Organization XIII’s). And she does things and drives the plot. We learn a lot about her as a person, see her grow (from someone who’s pretty much an infant--with that little knowledge of the world--to a selfless young woman, willing to sacrifice herself for the greater good). But she’s only playable in mission mode (the only time she’s been playable to this date, so Aqua certainly beats her there. Which isn’t good). I also am sort of irked that she comes back working for Xemans in KHIII (though I get why she did. It wasn’t her choice or fault), when Days had such a huge plot of her abandoning them over and over again. But eventually she defects again, and does as much in KHIII as pretty much anyone who isn’t Sora gets to do at that point. It’s also worth noting that Xion’s the only girl in the series who’s been allowed to breakdown. Aqua almost did in 0.2, but then Nomura changed his mind about it. Like I said, Xion’s pretty great (in my, and others’ opinions). But she’s only been here for, like, two games. Doesn’t seem to be doing much now...  And since this is a series where people have to do things--dangit (at least for other fans. Not so much for me)!--I feel Xion still hasn’t done that much. At least not for the world. More than some of the girls and other characters’ maybe, but not at the top of the list.

Aqua is exceptional, the fandom knows it. But many of us don’t think she really had any character development until 0.2 (that she was kind of static in BbS before that). And people have even criticized her BbS arc: where she doesn’t really have her own plot or her own unique boss (even though she did end up the main character), and was just baby-sitting Terra and Ventus, essentially. A lot of people also had issues with her saying that Sora and the gang had seen her weak (in falling to the darkness) to long and now needed to see her be strong... only for her to lose to Vanitas, and her giving up and letting herself get killed in the Keyblade Graveyard (some people are okay with this, as it was in response to her PTSD. Others are not).

Tifa and Aerith in then FFVII Remake. Tbh, I think they’re only as great as they are, because Nomura had other people helping him with them: Toriyama, Nojima, and maybe even Kitase. And since he’s going off of the great characters form Sakaguchi, Nojima, and Kitase’s previous work with them.

And Stella... I am a Stella Stan. I always have been, and I always will be. And for the longest time, I resented Lunafreya for taking Stella’s place and thought Stella would have been a better character. Now I kind of find that laughable. Because now I believe Tabata was telling the truth when he said that Stella was a complete damsel in distress (that mostly seems to be a trend of Nomura with female characters. Even when he tries to get out of it), and we’ve certainly seen that with Nameless Star in KH though far (though I do love her personality. And she has given us the key to save Sora now--which I appreciate--and hopefully she’ll do more in the future). The thing with Luna and Stella, is that Luna actually did things... but I feel she had little personality. (Though this can be defended by the plot: she was essentially brainwashed at a young age and then grew up under house arrest, where the only thing she was allowed to do was associated with the thing she was brainwashed for. That was literally all she had, so of course it’s going to be the only thing she cares about. And Dawn of the Future fixes this about her, when she realizes the thing she’d believed her entire life was a lie and now she has to figure out how Lunafreya the person is, not Lunafreya the Oracle), whereas I feel Stella probably would have and will have a lot of personality (maybe. Hopefully), but probably not do much. We’ll see.

And I could get into the other girls, too: Like how Invi in KH is a nothing character thus far... how Strelitzia was created just to die... how Skuld was kind of cool in KHUX, but is now just kind of there... how there have been some consistency issues in Ava’s characterization, maybe (even when she might be shaping up to be one of the greatest KH girls now, if not already there. But I’m not gonna).

Also: This is NOT me bashing ANY of these girls. I love them all--as one should, I feel--and want them to have all the love and content they deserve, that canon doesn’t always give them. I’m just pointing out how Nomura’s not the greatest at them (maybe so we don’t get our hopes up?), and why I think it’s silly to pit them against each other, when they’re all pretty equal in my eyes. And also.. hopefully Nomura could change his ways sometime. -fingers crossed-

Edit: Nomura also has a bad habit of wanting to fridge female characters. It was his idea that they kill off Aerith in FFVII. And now Strelitzia and Kairi. And I think Lunafreya in FFXV was his fault, too (her getting fridged there was probably leftover from when she was still Stella), since Stella herself is pretty much fridged in KH right now.

[shadowtongued]

long headcanon about the duality of love and the mahjarrat condition pertaining to it from his point of view. if you read all this babble i swear to god, i love you, i hope you have a good day. cw: sex addiction, child neglect, unhealthy coping, unrequited pains. reason for writing: hi i want to die bc of angst.

i think we all know even without playing medieval xp grind lore game, runescape, that sliske is old. very old. he tells us in endgame there's not much he hasn’t done with his life over thousands of years, even traveling to other planets and realms to just see what was out there and how far he could get. i’ve always projected his age as somewhere between more than 8,000 or even more than 10,000. we’re never given a timeline to how long the children of mah have lived. sliske has done a lot with his time; he’s killed a god, had quite a few elder relics in his grasp, SPOKEN to a elder god and managed not to die, mastered shadow magicks, has an excellent grasp on the shadow realm. he’s good with biology, chemistry, has a fair understanding of soul magic which is kind of a rare brand of knowledge, he’s tricked probably thousands into bad contracts to become wights in his army, understands the psychology and bad morals of people. he was a playwright, a high ranking officer, a spymaster. dude is just a determined polymath. you know what he hasn’t done? love. he’s never got to play with love.

mahjarrat are explained as having emotions, but dulled ones. they feel rage and pride apparently better than others. kharshai said after years of really believing he was a human, that when he came back to his true form he states “i  feel raw power coursing through my veins. i don't feel pain like i used to, and i'm sure my intellect has increased. but somehow there is something missing. a capacity for emotion that i can't quite put my finger on.” they aren’t equipped for the same range of positive emotions as others are. they feel it, but they don’t understand it fully, it has been said by developers. this whole bit is sadly funny considering in canon, sliske catches feelings. he doesn’t realize he’s attracted to the player character. it’s stated many times, in his journals, in dialogue, etc. he believes their fates are tangled no matter what. and the saddest bit is he probably doesn’t understand these feelings and it confuses him to the point of anger.  “ love! a mahjarrat in love? ... i almost wish that were true. it would certainly make the universe a more interesting place. ” “ so perhaps i have loved you. but that doesn’t mean i have to like you.”  sliske’s main goal started off as to take the players immortal, unable to be crushed by the divine, soul and give it to himself so he could live forever, as mahjarrats do not have afterlives, once they die they are done, evaporated into energy. but in endgame we learn something from him hidden in masks that refutes that;

“I love you for more than your soul.”

you STUPID fucker, you’re in love.

the remainder of this is a lot of NON-CANON, personal headcanon interpretation that pretty much only works on this blog. as a rough summary: sliske’s ol’ mum was not fond of her kids, half-brother wahisietel or sliske since she did not see them as powerful as herself and was disappointed that's what her legacy came out to. a short, beefy, average at magic son, she had another go and was still disappointed with this spidery, scrawny, gifted but absolutely annoying stick underweight child. his father, saw him once or twice in his life and that was it. dyeosuthua wanted nothing more than to make them disappear and try again until she got offspring she didn’t want to throw into a lava pit in secrecy, infanticide was against tribal law due to population issues. sliske’s mother’s neglect was so severe, ( by the absolute boundless joys of rp development and mutual heacanons ♥ ) that wahi and nabor had an attempt at raising him and keeping him from freezing to death. why is all this jargon important? because while all mahjarrats are raised by tough love, sliske’s attention deprivation from his mother was so severe, he grew up and still has a slew of reactive attachment, psychological, and social issues he still carries as an adult. several times she threatened to kill him and almost made good on it more than twice. when wahisietel had proven he was a survivor of the first ritual of rejuvenation, sliske became dyeosuthua’s  main target for abuse despite his gift for magic at a young age. nothing he did could impress her enough. and it left him constantly seeking approval and validation to an insecure mind.

the more he grew, the more confident he became mainly out of spite and to get attention. he’s loud, charming, makes you the only person in the room when he talks to you. he has an innate silver-tongued ability that persuades people to do just about anything. it was a front for his insecurities that he kept very very closed up. in the second age/senntisten capital, sliske had a pretty severe sex addiction as it was one of the few ways he felt validated and was able to get affection in a way he could digest. people with reactive attachment disorders often have sex addictions to fill the space of acceptance without having to commit.. easy, feel good intimacy without having to open up and let someone learn about your vulnerabilities and commit. it was pretty severe, considering mahjarrats find any kind of breeding or intimacies outside their ‘superior species’ as downright foul. sliske had always been the black sheep of the tribe and with his status as praefectus praetorio; head of secret police, really nothing put a damper on him trying to fill the void for affection he had. there wasn’t a species or individual he wouldn’t bed. he would easily take up propositions even for people who just wanted to fuck a mahjarrat because it was ‘exotic’ or because of his status as an officer, he now looks back on this and it bruises his insecurities even more that he allowed himself to do that. not out of pride for his species. but himself, being just a thing to be had because of rarity. azzanadra and his brother, wahisietel found out about it and while disgusted, partially understood what he was doing to negatively self soothe. at one point sliske and azzanadra, the champion of their god and head of the church, as well of one of the strongest living of their kin, had a lasting tryst for a few years and for awhile it made sliske feel very much self important in a way and alleviated his need to be needed so badly, this did not end well when sliske grew tired of their empire and wanted freedom. once childhood best friends and lovers had become absolute enemies once sliske became too unstable and azzanadra became too zealous. 

sliske gave up his sexcapades for a long time, thousands of years, his libido dropped when he became interested in other projects and self healing when he was hit with the idea that he hasd essentially allowed himself to be an exotic fling and still burned over becoming his god, zaros, scapegoat after all he had done for him. love was a weird concept to him and still is. despite being adamant love doesn’t exist for his kind, and his belief that he is flawed, unstable, and embraced the idea of ‘you want a monster? fine! i’ll be the monster!’. he expects no pity, not be forgiven to things he has done and even in game when you sycophantically try to cozy to him, he straight up calls out your text choice was awful considering some of the shitty things he might have done to you. to sliske, all attention to him is attention, whether you’re praising or insulting him. he’s on your mind, he exists, that’s all he wants.

backstory aside the real part of this headcanon is that sliske actually wants love. it’s the only thing aside from an immortal soul he hasn’t had. sliske actually has an attraction to humans because they are empathetic, curious, passionate, and determined. he has an easier time assimilating and being around them since he has ALWAYS had a better sense of humor, socializing, and happiness than his kin. he feels emotions a lot stronger than his fellow mahjarrats. it allows him to talk to and connect to humans and humanlike species better. others of his kind have told him there’s “something wrong” with him for that. he’s actually a romantic, even if he’s just mimicking romance stories, movies, and actions from others. he thinks the idea of settling with one person and loving them is both mortifying and interesting. opening yourself up to someone and giving them the hammer to smash your cherry-red painted porcelain heart and seeing if they do, to him might be the ultimate form of trust and biggest gamble of russian roulette. the stakes are so heavy he’s high on the idea. but it’s also horrifying. mahjarrat are prolific for not opening up, not allowing others in, vulnerability out in the open is a death sentence. they live in a kratocracy/meritocracy where they kill off the weakest link. it’s not pretty. being soft is a useless, unnecessary, weak gene to them. it dampers survival. 

but yet sliske keeps reading romance novels, writing his own confused poetry, and getting into unrequited one sided loves but practicing a backstabbing betrayal when one gets too close. i have to hurt them before they hurt me, betray and cut them down before they can do it to me. i think he wants to be loved. i think he kinda wants to be taught to love, for the emotions and the sake of knowledge. ( brb james newton howard’s ‘true love’s kiss’ from maleficent just came on spotify and i think i’m going to die bc i did not ask for background music thanks!!! ) he wouldn’t be the best at it, maybe a little too possessive with you, codependent, but very nurturing and fun loving. will sepnd a whole week spooning you.. people who hurt you past, present, and future may end up dead in mysterious ways or turned into a wight for you to beat the shit out of. but he’d try. he’s still got a broken child sitting behind his third rib. i think he would snarl the first few times someone genuinely got close to him, it would terrify him, being known on such a skinned, raw level. having gentle touches that are real and not a come hither to the bedroom. being known for something other than the confident, ego he has is death. he could be taught to be gentle for a crumb of consistent attention. might even cut down the murders and god killing down by 15%. love is not going to fix him, it’s not going to forgive the actual shitty things he’s done. it should never do that. but it will turn the lights on in a dark house.

love could really break him. i think so. i’d type more but this has gone on too long and i feel sad-happies. 

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/venting

ayo the thought of having to go back to school in a little over a month is fucking wild. like.....i feel like i just got out of school and binge watched invincible for the first time. IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY. it’s extremely scary thinking about how fast time is passing by because i keep doing the same thing everyday. there’s barely any change in anything. not allowed outside. my IRL friends arent vaxxed yet, and even if they were, my mom’s suspicious of my intentions when going out. and lets not get into the fact that school doesnt stress me out as much, but i’ll be damned if i dont have awful test anxiety still. i feel like everything is fucking passing me by and that sucks ASS. my classmates are going out to beaches and shit, and posting on insta (good for them, i probably need to touch some grass) but like?? i feel like im just being robbed of my life. and teen years and all that. 

i know the pandemic has been hard for LITERALLY everyone. (if you said 2020 was a good year, hush, you’re alone in that regard bestie, dont wanna hear it) but i just......im finally recognizing feelings and all that (shit’s scary man) my thoughts dont match my body whatsoever (not dysphoria, its derealization, or something similar). thats so scary to me. sometimes i catch myself in the mirror and im talking and im like...”thats not me.....oh fuck, it is me.” so i dont look in the mirror and talk aloud, is what im saying. i’ll have a breakdown. but im extremely extroverted. i love people, and seeing people and hugging people. and not feeling like every day that i spend inside of my fucking house is a waste of time because time travel doesnt exist and i cant get any of these days back. at all. it is a never ending cycle. i just want a hug, dude. i’ve never experienced cuddling before either. i would love to platonically cuddle someone. but i got rid of toxic friends (still not over it) and got very radicalized...but for what. my own knowledge and betterment.....but eh. plus i traumadump, nobody wants to hear my sob story, i need to hush. and get in contact with my therapist. and discuss my anxiety issues. and possible depression. and PTSD and so many other things because it’s really not cute. anyways.

also heyy, my body issues are back. like?? hello. not that they ever went away, they just steep for a bit, then start boiling back. and that’s torture for me. having a generally okay body is fine, but then i realize that when i do wear pants, they’re either my overalls (comfort and queerness) or jeans. and yay those are tighter than they were last time. and i know weight fluctuation is a thing that happens, but i really feel like i could do more to not feel as bad. (i mean, sure, i could, but exercising makes me feel horrible mentally so). i see classmates thin and everything (i know thin isnt always healthy, but a part of me wishes that i was bone thin, we wont talk about it) and i know “every body is a bikini body” and i support that initiative 1,000 percent, but A. i have no idea if my parents would even let me get one if i wanted one (i dont) and B. i dont have the confidence to wear something like that. i even hate the fucking swimsuit that i have. i want the fucking full length victorian swimsuits with a shirt and fucking shorts because i cant stand being exposed. my stomach pokes out too much. my arms arent muscly like they were some years back. i just feel....so weird. and the “oh she’s smart, she cant be hot.” one or the other type shit that my brain keeps trying to tell me is real ia NASTY. like heyyy i have a brain, and i use it most days, but my body also shouldnt be fuckshitted like this. this collection of skin and bones keeps me safe (but not from my brain, its on some different shit)

another thing is that i can not wear exposing things. ugh, i would feel so just....out in the open. im literally scared of someone coming behind me and fucking groping me, or slapping my ass. (valid fear) but i literally fucking HATE feeling like that. one, I AM UNDERAGED, and two, ITS NASTY EITHER WAY. and if i went to school, and wore something mildly form fitting, i’d be pushing my body forward to look less noticeable (i dont trust seniors), or pulling my jacket down (i always wear jackets in school) so people arent looking at me. that sucks. and i wish i didnt make my anxiety that bad as to where it just sucks to exist. with a human flesh prison that looks a certain way. i kinda just want to hide my body. permanently. (not dysphoria related, my tits are fine, if they stay, cool, if they don’t, cool) but like...ugh.

and this is where it gets EXTREMELY dark, trigger warning for suicide mention.

yeah last year on the first week of school (virtual) i really wanted to kill myself. which like..isnt okay. i havent really told anyone about that either. because it was an extremely low point for me. i just didn’t think that i could fucking make it through the entire year. all those assignments, and all those days, wasted. im not learning anything valuable (besides maybe science and finance)...i dont know what the fuck i want to do with my life. there’s no such thing as ethical consumption so i’m gonna be contributing to something fucked up, no matter what i do. im weird. and political. and opinionated. and into so many different things. which, y’know, should be cool and fun and fresh. but it terrifies me to know that other people arent like me. that they many never understand my interests. and i feel like this with EVERYONE in EVERY class. unless i see a similar interest. or a tiny flag. but the thought of introducing myself again and again. to more people. who i may never fucking see again. who probably dont care about me. kinda discourages you a bit. so yeah, i really wanted to off myself. it seemed so impossible to get through everything. and then heyyy, near the end of the year, something really shitty happened. was depressed. told my mom i may be autistic... “okay...well....getting diagnoses takes a lot of money. so unless you have 700 bucks laying around....then no.” (who says the person who may ALSO be autistic along with me) few weeks back, talking about my therapist who wanted to talk through the DSM-4 with me “you really think you’re autistic huh.” of course mom. why else would i have written a paper about it, followed actually autistic accounts, and done research on it.

then near the next year, i sucked even more ass. friend shit broke me down and i felt....like i fucked up. which i did. and like i cant keep people in my life. (which is partially true) and i felt more physically exhausted than i had in literal years. i feel very deeply, and especially with negative emotions. so that really fucked me up. (may be something more serious, i have no idea) so there’s that. i just....i’ve never felt like i had been so awful in some time. like i let everyone around me down. so no more of /those/ situations. i dont sleep correctly when my hair is wet, so you can imagine how my dreams were THAT night.

but yeah, i dont feel like wanting to kill myself again. because i know it’s not worth it. but something just keeps pulling me deeper into these disgusting pits of awfulness. like there’s no other way out. (wrong) and gritting my teeth and willing myself to do things is going to hurt, but it’s quite literally the only choice i have. i cant give up. so there’s that. my thoughts and everything. yeah.....it’s 5:10 in the morning, im going the fuck to sleep.

[metvmorqhoses]

Why do you think Voldemort never hooked up with another woman but Bella ? Were his choices limited to his ranks ? Were most women afraid of him ? Did he find Bella convenient since she was his DE and married? Don't men get bored with too much devotion ? She let him know how much she cared about him . Was she simply good in bed so he didn't need to look elsewhere? Was her being married another thing he found convenient? Was she convenient or special ? How was he as a 'lover' in your opinion ?

well, you provoke me and i oblige - or as i like to call it: the 100th novel-length essay on bellamort.

the reasons that in my eyes ultimately made bellatrix “the only one” for voldemort are many and various, but at the end of the day it has everything to do with who and how i think he was as a person.

as i said many times before and i feel the duty to keep specifying, over the years i started to consider these characters in a more adult and complex way, imagining them as real life persons and not fairy-tale villains and that’s where my analyses of them come from. sadly what jkr told us about their relationship is close to nothing, so all we have here is thought processes and fervent opinions about their few, filtered by harry’s eyes and painfully public interactions.

now, voldemort’s character, if looked at beyond the pure ideal of power and darkness that he so carefully built around himself, is clearly a human being as deep as the very pit of hell and full of contradictions, twistedness, beauty and voids to fill.

bear with me, because you cannot really understand what i think bellatrix was for him without explaining how i see his psychology first, which i think many many times is overly simplyfied and excused with a shrug and a “well, he’s evil”:

voldemort was born with a genius intelligence and magical talent, the most handsome looks and yet he was not only completely and utterly alone, but also a completely broken human since birth. his mother porpuselly conceived him putting his muggle father under a love potion, so he’s basically the direct offspring of the worst kind of rape: not only his mother abused his father physically, forcing him to have sex with her without his consent, but even emotionally, because she forced him to have feelings for her - as untrue as they might have been. not only that, but voldemort was clearly unloved by his parents from the very start, abandoned by them both in different ways before he was even capable to remember them. he had then been raised and abused since the most tender age in a filthy orphanage where everyone shunned and feared and made him believe he was insane, treating him god’s knows how badly, because he was able to do “things” no one else could, things that made people uncomfortable (think at how bigots can abuse children nowadays with the excuse of possession without magic or the devil even existing, i wouldn’t be surprised if tom as a child was put under monstrous rituals with the hope of exorcising him, it was after all the 30s in a really degraded and poor environment). imagine the hate, the resentment, the fear, the basic instinct to survive and only caring about himself that must have started to boil inside of him in the most dangerous of ways. he surely had the inclination to became what he ultimately became from birth, but goodness how life helped him. he learnt to defend and avenge himself from such a hostile world from the very start, it was a matter of surviving or succumbing. and then, at some point of his young age, he finally started to master and taste something that made him feel good, that made him feel right about himself, he started to enjoy the feeling of being in control of his abusers, of manipulating them, of hurting them, of taking what he wanted from them, the feeling of power - and moreover, a power that directly originated from inside himself - his power. he obviously started to consider himself his own savior, he started to intimately feel special, better than anyone, superior. at the same time he started to hate muggles, because muggles had been his first real source of utter isolation and pain (thing reinforced by the discovery, many years later, that his father, the reason he had to go through all that, was one of them). then, out of the blue, he was told that “more” he had so strong inside of himself was indeed magic. imagine the feeling of validation he must have felt about his uniqueness and superiority, imagine how powerfully his addiction to this wondrous thing he could finally name must have taken definitive root inside of him. magic became his everything, his religion, his purpose, his assurance of never having to feel weak, vulnerable or defenseless ever again. magic was the fuel that alimented everything he literally had in the world and that he ever felt comfortable to ever want (uniqueness, power, superiority, extraordinariness). human relationships were ludicrously out of the question in his eyes since he was a child. human beings were not reliable nor trustworthy. human beings were an utter disappointment, everyone was beneath him and no one really deserved his consideration anyway. magic was everything that really mattered. without magic, he was literally nothing - or at least that’s what life had convinced him of. an existence of his not desperately clutched on and inextricably intertwined with it was not something he even dared to fathom for himself. if you understand this, if you understand the perversion of his dependency towards magic, everything he ever did becomes painfully clear. magic for him was something so fundamental, so deeply mingled with his very being (and this is probably also the reason he indeed was the most powerful wizard that ever lived), that growing up he became more and more desperately obsessed about preserving and strengthening it. this is the root of his every choice, from venturing into the dark arts turning out completely disfigured but incredibly more powerful, to believing he could actually be the first immortal in history, to his entire anti-muggle politics. not only muggles were inferior and disgusting to him, but their mingling with wizards was in his eyes a dreadful threat to the very existence of magic and therefore everything special he ever had been. as a result, he ventured deeper and deeper into it, never to come back. no magic act seemed against nature to him, because he considered himself one with it. this is where his iron-rooted god complex comes from and i think it’s something a little more complicated than simple megalomania. but this is also where his problems with his own humanity (and other’s) started. at some point he really considered himself more than human, of a different species. no aspect of humanity meant anything to him, on the contrary, i think he had terrible problems with every basic human behavior, from caring, to having to eat and drink to survive, to sweating and having sexual impulses - and, of course, to the ultimate form of humanity, dying. i think he was profoundly disgusted by his and other’s physicality, to anything that could remind him of his mortality, even a breath.

and that’s why i don’t really think even as a most handsome young men he even spared girls or women a glance. i think he considered the whole thing far beneath him, as if a god was interested in exchanging fluids with worms. i also think deep down there was simultaneously an intellectual and not only a physical element in his disgust: i think he considered his good looks something pleasant to look at in a mirror (he only deserved the best, even in a face), quite useful, but in general absolutely meaningless and void. not to mention that was his muggle father’s face, the revolting beauty that doomed it as a child and that shamed him every day looking back at him in the mirror. the entire crowds of girls that without any doubt must have fawned over him at school were probably amusing to him in rare particularly good days and insufferable and despicable the rest. no one deserved to be around him, no one could understand his real greatness or void anyway, no matter how low they rightfully bowed - and they had to bow, but from a fair distance. i think the mere thought of sex was something absolutely revolting to him.

until.

now you are probably starting to understand why i needed this endless preface to answer your question.

i think bellatrix was something really unexpected for him, that came relatively late in his life while he was busy with everything else, building an empire and becoming a most powerful immortal creature, and it was extraordinary enough to enkindle something in him, in his humanity, at first even without his consent or him even noticing.

yes, you heard me right, despite all i have just written, lord voldemort was still human being and of a really damaged and flawed kind, no matter what he stubbornly wanted to believe about himself.

i think the first immediate reason that sparkled voldemort’s interest was that bellatrix somehow reminded him of himself. and we do know that he was really able to love only himself. this is the ultimate narcissistic thought process. she was everything he admired of his own qualities: beautiful, dark, incredibly intelligent and magically skilled, proud, ambitious, ruthless, power-angry. they were incredibly similar. but she was at the same time somehow more than him, she actually was what he thought he was supposed have been: the heir of one of the most noble and ancient magical families of britain, pure powerful blood in her veins. it’s obvious he took her under his wing, thinking such a talent was a most valuable addiction to his cause, especially because along all that, bellatrix was able from the start to show him a loyalty, usefulness and adoration of a different, truer kind from all the others. and i think he really valued that, i think he was completely aware she was the only person he could really trust and i think it wasn’t a secondary thing for someone who had never really trusted anyone from the day he was born - that he was aware of it or not. one thing is believing your followers are loyal to you and your cause (an example is snape), another is having the absolute certainty that someone will always be at your side, no matter how desperate the situation - and only bellatrix was ever able to provide him that. he was intelligent enough to tell the difference. i think bellatrix’s unfaltering loyalty and mind-presence at azkaban for fourteen years after his apparent demise was something that really won his respect and admiration. and no, i don’t really think voldemort was the kind of person that gets tired of too much devotion, at least not a true, sincere one, as the kind bellatrix’s provided him from day one. i actually think he was in desperate need of it, consciously or not. voldemort probably had, in my vision, a peculiar relationship with devotion and servility: he thought everyone owed him as much, but was at the same time quite annoyed by too much of it (killing people who said too much “my lords”). but not too much of bellatrix’s, and it’s probably because of the fact hers was of a deeper and more honest kind of devotion.

we don’t have to forget bellatrix was almost as egocentric, proud and vain as him, this is the woman who sits on chairs as if they were thrones. she was wizarding royalty and she sure as hell acted accordingly, she was used to have everyone bow to her (and if they didn’t, she made them). and the fact that she, this fearless tigress, only bowed to him, out of admiration and not blind fear (even if a healthy component of fear was indeed present in her as well), was certainly a reason of great pleasure and amusement to him. don’t even forget i totally believe bella amused him as hell. can you imagine anyone else rendered a blathering idiot in front of him, following him so closely, too closely, speaking without asking, etc, who would have lived to tell the tale? bella was allowed things no one else was, pet name included.

she was one hell of a woman, painfully like him, that literally melted and would have died any moment for him. this started to move things inside of him that i’m sure at first he didn’t like, especially the physical impulses. i said many times i’m convinced at first he was resolute into killing her. the fact that in the end he didn’t tells the tale for me. who knows, maybe the killing in the middle turned into other primordial activities. sexually, i do think he had the need to use a fair amount of violence, not so much because he wanted to hurt her, but to deal with the mortality/humanity aversion, and i think bellatrix was the only woman who was mentally built to not only understand, but enjoy that. i think bella’s legs went week in front of his displays of power, no matter if the victim was her. i wasn’t really a matter of dominating her spirit, but totally possessing her body for him. funnily enough, i think he absolutely respected her in his own twisted way and that she totally thought the same. that respect had nothing to do with their physical and political power dynamics.

again, they were absurdly similar and well-matched. i think at some point she became invaluable to him in a similar way magic was, so much he actually risked his own life and failure to ensure she wasn’t captured again. everyone else was disposable, but not his bella. he could have punished her the rare times she let him down, but as a death eater, not as a person. i think bellatrix was the only case in which the two things in his mind were actually separate even if linked.

they fond each other in darkness and voldemort, lover of uniqueness, surely understood the extraordinary quality of such a relationship. he wanted only the best for himself, he deserved as much, and bellatrix was the actual best in his mind. she, having a similar thought, had inside of her a dramatic and overwhelming pull towards darkness, power and violence, and he embodied them all and much more in her eyes.

so, in conclusion (because i could go on for several other hours), for sure bellatrix was also, along with all the other things, convenient to him, not so much because she was married, because i think neither of them gave an effing fuck about it, but because she was perfect for him in basically every single way (best death eater, genius, skilled, pureblood, devious, not afraid of his darkness but drawn to it, loyal, submitted to him but only to him), as if he himself had carefully molded out of clay his ideal match.

as to how i think voldemort was as a lover - really, really painfully disturbing, as his whole character. i don’t think him really able to separate passion and violence, for example, and i see him really prone to dangerous mood swings, trust issues and destructive tendencies. he was also surely overly possessive of bellatrix, his bella. he was the only one entitled to treat her as he pleased, no one else, no matter if he had just crucioed the hell out of her. lay a finger on her and you are dead. also, i don’t really think he ever told her just how much she meant for him, on the contrary i think whenever he thought she was getting too close and him too attached, he would mercilessly push her away, even violently.

but at the same time i see him quite thoughtful and appreciative of everything bellatrix was, much more than any other man or husband of that society. he really thought she was the best besides himself. that he told it out loud or not, i think he was well aware of all bellatrix’s qualities, especially the ones she directed towards him, and was intimately and very deeply proud of her. i think he was really grateful for her existence and the moment she died he just knew everything was lost.

[thenixkat]

Voltron notes 2 (edited)

Ep 2

We get the full opening this time. Its pretty bland. Like? What is the music trying to go for b/c its not reaching it. Otherwise mostly generic action/scifi.

Where did Hunk get those jammies? Shiro is an early bird. Where’d Lance get those jammies? And that skincare mask and eyecover? Those are Pidge’s headphones? Sleeps to music and an emergency alarm is not waking him up.

Keith was awake but not up and that’s valid. He doesn’t have jammies. Keith is ready to fucking go

Pidge just fucking fell asleep working on the computer while sitting on the floor in the medbay

Ya know what? I don’t like Allura’s nose. Give her a fucking negro nose you cowards.

Severed heads cant talk, they don’t have lungs or a diaphragm

75 degrees what? Does Altean meat thermometers record shit in fahrenheit? 

Lance arrives 15 mins late with a drink and fabulous skin. Where’d he get the slippers?

Actually… Hunk, Lance, Pidge were attending a military school. And Shiro graduated and was teaching at that school. They should be used to this sort of shit?

But also how the fuck are they supposed to know when its morning on an alien fucking planet? Were they even able to get at least 8 hours of sleep?

??? ALien timekeeping gibberish but I guess Wednesday? They’ve been in space for ~2 days?

Your mission is to free most known inhabited planets? Yer not gonna accomplish that in your lifetime. Especially not their lifetime.

Ranked by height.

Why can’t they go back to Earth and pick up supplies and/or help and/or let their families know they're ok? The lions can generate portals. The kids with families need to talk to them. What about Mrs. Holt? Also go check and make sure that Earth isn’t being fucking invaded. Make Earth yer first stop on your Voltron coalition?

Also how they gonna form Voltron if they barely know each other?

Why is Allura in charge?

HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I HATE FAT JOKES?! 

What shitty writers.

Why break up a sequence that we’ve not seen b4 with a shitty attempt at humor?

How do the controls for the lions work?

Again these kids barely fucking know eachother.

Keith tries. Lance be nice.

What is this joke? Also why can’t the other lions also be the head? We know they can fucking shapeshift and shunt/pull mass from the aether

What the fuck Allura. Are you trying to kill them? Why the fuck is she in charge?

Lace tries to go back into the castle to avoid being shot by Allura and just fucking misses the fact that the force field is up?

Hunk tries begging for mercy. Allura doesn’t give a shit and continues to use deadly live ammo on these kids. Why is she the leader?

This bitch turns on the auto lock and just fucking leaves the control panel. Imagine if one of these kids fucking died from this? How’s that for team morale! 

Why the fuck is she the leader and who let her use the fucking weapons?

Also, people fucking live on this planet. Allura just fucking exploded a decent fucking chunk of the land surrounding the castle with no fucking heed to checking to make sure no one got hurt.

Zarkon doesn’t give a shit about his people. And doesn’t understand what luck is.

Today a Galra general/commander/someshit finds out that compassion and good leadership skills get you punished.

How the fuck did this dipshit keep and empire going for 10000 yr?

Wow Allura! It's like shitty leadership skills don’t produce the results you want!

Keith is very honest.

Ok but like these kids have to be talking shit about Allura behind her back.

Hunk asks good questions. When the fuck are they going back to Earth?

Also Pidge nice to see you give no shits at all about your mom.

It's almost like these kids barely know each other or how to work together as a team and have very different priorities.

Also like? Pretty sure the lions also have a say as to whether they form Voltron? Like we know those bitches are sentient, maybe the lions are the reason they can’t form Voltron either?

These kids don’t even know all the functions of their paladin armors yet! But yeah, combat scenario that’s what they need

What is the point of Lance’s one sided rivalry with Keith?

Why the fuck is the maze electrified? It doesn’t need to be. And did Coran take human anatomy into effect when calibrating the voltage? I don’t think so.

Keith is trying and I respect that

Why? Why a dangerous nose dive bonding? Shouldn’t they try hanging out with their lion and talking to them first? Not everything needs to be potentially deadly during training

Expert level drill that they shouldn’t be trying until they’ve had years of experience. So what if one of them fucking dies during the drill? You gonna be up shit creek without a paddle

Why would anyone put a feature in a helmet that would allow someone to remotely blind them? Why put a blinding feature in a helmet? The shit could glitch at the wrong moment and then someone fucking dies.

Can Lance just not read Keith’s voice?

How incredibly lucky that they landed in sand and not on the hard earth or any of those rocky buildings strewn about

Shiro has the best bond with his lion. Glowy eyes

Wow actual bonding attempts.

Coran attempts good leadership. Like yes? Give people breaks and make sure they’re hydrated

Ok but like the bonding actually works? Like maybe mindmelding with a bit too much for this stage but actually trying to like bond and work together is a good

Oh fuck off Allura

I don’t see this fight going well. They’ve got an engineer, a navigator/tech support, and 3 pilots. Out of the 5 humans only two seem to have like actual combat experience. Like? Teach these kids how to fight before throwing them in the pit, might be helpful

Yeah, teaching people how to fight and use their weapons is probably very helpful

I still don’t think Coran and Allura are taking human physiology into account with their calibrations on this shit

Lance might have a concussion. 

And Shiro needs therapy

Wow Allura, it's almost like they aren’t Alteans. It's almost like most of them have no real combat experience. Its almost like some of them don’t know how to effectively use their weapons in this situation. Also why are Altean children fighting fucking gladiator robots if yall peaceful.

Its almost like they’ve only been at this shit for two fucking days Allura.

Let Lance cuss

Coran is a lot better than this than Allura.

Ok this type of exercise is the short that they should have been doing more of. Just fucking working together and team bonding

Haggar can use the Force

So did she design the robeast with the gladiator dude in mind? She would have had to given the appearance of it. How long does it take to make a giant robot?

What the fuck Lance? Why are you so hostile to Keith? This makes no sense

American revolution against the space Brits

Yes they should yell at Allura. She’s been fucking unreasonable and could have gotten them killed with the fucking shooting at them earlier and she’s mostly fucking yelled at them today.

Also princess of fucking what? A building and a retainer? She ain’t got no kingdom and they don’t have to respect her nonexistent authority.

Damn right Pidge, princess of fucking what?

Allura hits Pidge with food for not respecting her nonexistent authority

My man Keith steppin in and defending his teammate

Coran’s got some skill but I’m rootin for the humans

Ya know, the foodfight coulda been both a nice bonding thing and a decent action piece. Still frames aren't action

The kids won.

Yes bonding. Team bonding is what they needed. Not bad drills.

Also Allura yer bitch ass better not try to spin this like you planned this shit

Stock footage

Allura’s bitch ass is trying to spin the food fight like she planned it

Bonding and hugs are good

I’m just gonna assume that all of the paladins AND lions have to be on the same page to make Voltron

Hunk bear hug

Pidge has secrets

Also if Pidge really looks so much like her brother that people look at her photo and mistake her for him how the fuck did her disguise work?

So how does Zarkon expect to have a giant robot both kill the paladins and have Voltron in any form of working condition?

[oh-theatre]

Objection!: Chapter 23.5

Chapter title: Anybody Happen to know how the Hell To Do This?

A/n:  Eyyy! After two weeks Im back!! Just finished finals and decided hey finish your filler chapter! SO :D ANyway YES THIS IS A FILLER CHAPTER!! Because I couldnt write an actual one and ALSO NEEDED SOME LOGICALITY DEVELOPMENT ANYWAY IM SORRY IT SUCKS AND ENJOY

hi my names maria and i make everything bAD AND DRAMATIC FOR NO REASON :(

First | Previous | Next

words: 3476

summary: Patton and Logan work through some thing

pairings: Eventual logicality, prinxiety, platonic demus, romantic remile

warnings: Law and Courtroom, past trauma, crying and yelling, cursing

Ao3 Link  

The first thought was panic, panic as Patton felt an even heartbeat behind him, an arm securing him. His mind runs to the previous night. A safety around him.

“Where should I put him?” Logan asks, cradling a snoring Remus, struggling to find a comfortable position. Patton looks at his reflection in the mirror of his bathroom, his tired eyes happier than usual.

“He likes the middle” Patton responds, he hears careful shuffling but not justification with an answer. He finishes preparing for his sleep, brushing any stressful knots out of his more than curled hair.  “Log-” He quiets himself, his eyes land on the bed where a confused Remus sits up as Logan mumbles in his dazed state. He stifles a flustered chuckles.

Yet he felt the furthest thing from safe, absolute fear as he stumbles out of bed. Clutching instantly to the plastered walls of his room, his safe haven.

“Come here” He whispers to Remus, he waddles towards him jumping into Pattons arms. He laughs sweetly, placing a gentle kiss on Remus’s head. “Bed?” He asks, Remus nods through a yawn. He glances back at Logan but moves to the twins room, tucking in his son, making sure he feels comfortable, and safe. A promise of protection before he returns to his own room.

“No” He cries in a panicked hush, his palms forced closed. Logan startles awake standing fast as he watches Patton's breathing become unstable. The lawyer moves carefully, keeping a safe distance.

“Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell” He hears Logan mutter into the pillow, he covers a giggle before kneeling on the floor in front of the lawyer. He strokes his hair delicately, watching as Logans eyes flutter awake. “Mm?”

“Hi” He greets, the moon sneaking its way into the room. Logan smiles back through his state.

“I should head home” He decides, trying to get out of bed. Patton chuckles, shaking his head.

“Dont be ridiculous, its past midnight” Patton chides “You can stay here” He continues his gentle strokes. Logan musters up the laziest fight, feeling as though he’d only be intruding.

“Pat? Breathe for me?” He requests so gently. Patton nods, recognizing the voice, he watches as Logan approaches him. “You're okay” He assures, Patton loosens but keeps alert. He meets Patton face to face, taking his shaking hands in his own. “Come here” Once Patton eases into Logans hold,  his flinching gone, the lawyer leads him to the couch, wrapping a soft blanket around him.

“Ill go to the couch” Logan concludes, he sits up taking Pattons hands as they face each other.

“Adorable, come on lay back down, Ill get you some tea” Patton offers, Logan hums in satisfaction. He returns to find Logan struggling to keep his eyes open.

He feels safe once more, the familiar feeling returns. Patton remains, squeezing deep into his palms, feeling the pressure of his nails. Logan acts quickly, making a calming tea as he hands it to Patton, sitting in front of the man. Patton sighs, feeling his face heat up. Logan strokes away any loose hairs, covering Patton's shining eyes.

Once the tea is placed Patton situates himself on the other side of the bed, checking his phone before he shuts it off. He feels the bed move ever so slightly as Logan adjusts, his arm meeting Pattons in his deep slumber. ��The lawyer waits for his typical reaction, for the deep panic to emerge, the whimpers of desperation, yet it never came. As Logan wrapped his arm around Patton, pulling him closer to his chest, nuzzling as he kissed Pattons neck. The lawyer felt nothing but safe.

“Goodnight love” Logan mumbles, a hot flutter as Patton instantly falls into the name.

“Im sorry” Patton bites his lower lip, Logan releases a sweet chuckle.

“You have nothing to apologize for, really” Logan promises, taking Pattons free hand in his own, the father bites his lip scared to object. Hoping to stop the lawyer from digging any further.  “Was that...something left over?” He hints, Patton averts his sullen gaze.

“I guess, Im sorry” He goes again, feeling stupid as Logan treads around him. Logan leans forward, kissing him softly on the forehead, keeping his protective hold on Patton. “You should go, I'm so sorry” He rambles.

“Patton enough apologizing” Logan begs, trying to keep his worrisome voice under control. Patton shakes his tired head, his eyes barely flinting.

“I'm a mess, you shouldn't have to deal with me” he pouts, rubbing away the gentle tears that begin flowing. Pathetic. You got emotional… “You should go, I am so sorry” He blubbers, every decent or controlling instinct floods away with exhaustion. “You'll get bored, and then you'll resent me and-” He chokes back a sob

“Patton what-”

“I'm afraid I'm not enough for you!” He blurts, his arms squeezing tightly to his chest as they fold over his heart. And there he was, a timid child, so desperate yet so undeserving of validation. Logan falls silent, not sure whether he holds a right to reach out.

“Not enough?” He barely breathes “You are more than enough, you are everything” He takes Patton's cheek. “I think you're just tired, maybe we need to talk about boundaries”

“Boundaries?” Patton tilts his head, Logan bites back a saddened expression, the concept so foreign to the father. He pushes through nodding.

“Yes, for example, when I get rather upset or frustrated I prefer to be left alone” He tells, Patton notes this keeping it locked in his mind. “Now you” Patton raise a brow, furled in confusion as he tries hard to think.

“I...I dont…” He fights to conjure something, to simply please Logan. He slumps his shoulders, resigning his efforts. An overwhelming pit of guilt forming in Pattons stomach but soon his mind clears. He’s not doing this to please Logan, this is for him “I want-” Logan raise his brow “I need you to be patient with me” He states, Logan bites back a proud smile

“Patience, I can do that” Logan agrees, he knows that it doesn't matter but a simple affirmation goes a long way. “What else?” Pattons never gotten this far

“I need you to tell me what you're doing.” Patton continues, though confused Logan nods. He notices the couch begin to shake, Pattons leg taps rhymically.

“Explain” Logan regains his attention

“I need- I just...I want to know what's going to happen.” He attempts to clarify his silly thoughts “If you're going to hug me, tell me. If you're going to hold my hand, let me know. If you're going-” He shakes his head “I just need to know whats going to happen” Patton pleads, not that his partner needs much convincing “It won't always be like that, just, for now...I need to know”

“And that makes perfect sense. You can tell me if you feel the need to but I dont require the same courtesy” Logan assures, Patton finds his honesty comforting “I need there to be space” He adds. Patton waits, playing with the loose strings from his blanket. “I don't want to be coddled or cared for every hour of every day” Somehow they both ease into the room, the warmth returning as it becomes their home, their place. “I need there to be communication, I'm going to take your hand now” He smiles, Patton allows him to do so, grateful for the genuine effort. “I need you to inform me as to what's going on in your head, how you are feeling” He rushes the next part “I know it may take time, but I hope you can try, slowly” A comfortable silence takes place, the pair listen to the morning world as each aspect awakes for the day. Playful fiddling takes place between them, a routine so easy, so familiar, they could perform it should they choose. A storm Logan think has passed, no forming a rainbow in its own time, finds one last raincloud.

“I need to be allowed to… be” Patton barely utters the last word. Logan jerks his head back towards him, watching as the light sparkle of blue averts its gaze. Fearing his own temperament, knowing where this stems, Logan maintains a calm demeanor. “I need to be allowed to be emotional, to feel, to be excited-” He stops his rants, catching a crisp breath. “I need to be me” He realizes, a discovery it seems more for himself, his eyes widening only slightly.

“Patton, I can promise you, under no circumstance will I ever stop or discourage you from being you” He squeezes the mans nervous hands. “You shall never feel that way again, If I can help it.” He takes a sharp but deepened breath. Patton leans forward, connecting their lips of promises and a new hope for them. “I need you to bring me coffee every morning” Logan jokes

“Nice try, love you though” Patton teases leaning forward, an excitement to say the phrase so true and so deep, taking his chin as he kisses him once more. It felt nice, to have it simply happen with no resistance, no feeling of obligation. “Breakfast time” He stands, taking their empty glasses to the kitchen. The even rush of water clearing his scrambled mind. Scrambled...scrambled eggs, he prepares the recipe in his mind.

“Mmm” He hums, pleasant as the calm morning happens. “Oh I hear children” He notes, sweet feet scatter towards him. “Good morning Remus” Logan greets, Valerie rushes by making her way to her father. Remus wastes no time securing himself in Logan's arms.

“Are you my dada now?” He exclaims through a yawn, Logan freezes as Patton drops a shattered glass. Logan jumps up instantly, tightening his hold on Remus.

“Angelface stay back!” Patton rushes, Valerie stops in her tracks, her wide eyes staring curiously. “Lo?” He asks, Logan nods taking Valerie away from the kitchen. Once the danger is cleared away, and a hushed conversation between the lawyers takes place, they sit the twins down on the couch. “Good morning my gems”

“Good morning papa!” They both greet with delighted smiles. Logan watches, trying hard not to let his smile grow. Patton laughs, stroking their messy hair.

“You had a question crabcake, care to explain?” Patton jumps right in, his son buzzing back. Logan fiddles with Valerie's excited feet, he's not sure why but neither seem bothered.

“Because he's my dada now!” Remus giggles “You love him, I love him and he loves me and you which means we’re family! Does that mean hes my dada now?” Remus decides, Patton looks up hoping a threatening flood will stop. Patton sighs, finding it much too early to watch Remus and Valeries hopes dim. ”You always say that love makes a family, no matter what” He grins, his toothy grin melting Patton.

But why should they?

Why should Patton say no?

Because of Logan, this isn't up to him, this is more than just about him

“Oh Remus, I-”

“You're absolutely correct Remus” Logan chimes in, Patton turns to him. “We are family now” He amuses the young boy. Patton takes his cheek kissing him, nodding through the most fragile of tears.

“Fam-ily!” Valerie cheers “I love you” She giggles, squeezing tightly to the two lawyers. Remus joins in soon after both run off to the backyard, to play in the remains of the dewey morning. The pair stand moving to the kitchen, facing each other once more.

“You didn't have to say all that Lo” Patton thanks, fiddling with Logans gentle fingers. “I know we haven't really had a moment to talk about...what all this means. I'm sorry if that put you in an uncomfortable position” Patton breathes

“Love, we can talk about this later, no reason to put them down on this fine morning” Neither phased by the adoring name, Patton finding it quite common really. “In addition, I am not uncomfortable” Logan assures, he kisses Patton's cheek, leaving a very flustered Patton to fall back into his blushed routine.

~~~

“My idea of a perfect family isn't marrying a woman!” Patton argues, Logan cocks his head as he closes the door into Patton's office. The lawyer waves to Logan, frustrated as he paces back and forth. “My children mom! My beautiful twins, the man I love and my friends! That's my family!” He shouts, Logan debates whether he should be upset or if his heart shall beat faster “Mother! Do not come down here!” He scoffs, angrily hanging up the phone, clutching the chair.

“How's your day going love?” Logan jokes, Patton rolls his eyes playfully.

“Haha very funny” Patton purses his lips, Logan smirks at him, flipping through some loose files upon the table. The door creaks open, a sweet assistant peeking her head through. “Whats up Willow?” Patton inquires

“Uhm, I-” She fidgets, her face heating up quickly. Logan adjusts to look at her. “Miss Bernard would like to speak to mister Tolentino” She swallows, Logan stands cautious but looks to Patton first. Both prepared to rejoin in the hallway but it seems the young lawyer has her own plans. She steps in, taking a grim look around.

“Thank you Willow” She looks to the assistant, was that a hint of mockery?

“Thank you Willow” Willow repeats clearly deriding her words, both sharing a solid glance before the assistant removes herself, bored of the high and mighty. An amused glance is shared between the men but Diana carries on.

“What can I do for you Diana?” Patton inquires with a smile, fully aware of her intent to question Logan. He upholds his kindness, knowing things don't have to be strictly business.

“Must you be so nice” She jokes, her relief setting in “Unfortunately Patton Im here to talk to mister Tolentino. Seeing as he was-”

“Your predecessor on the case?” Logan finishes, interjecting with his formulated words. Diana nods in agreement. “Makes sense to me, would you care to follow me to my office?” He stands, dusting off his prim outfit. She smiles uneasy, finding his presence less comforting then the shining one of Patton. Logan turns to Patton, leaning over the desk to kiss him sweetly on his soft cheek. “Dinner?”

“Dinner” Patton concludes, returning his focus to his work as the two lawyers leave him.

Diana walks silently alongside Logan, skipping through the marbled halls, playing her own game. The lawyers find no qualms but no connection, simply they are, as two isolating figures.

“Owo we have to set boundaries!! Oh Patttttooooonnnnn” Roman mocks in the utmost nasally voice he can conjure. Logan sighs as they continue walking. Roman joins their journey, skipping delighted.

“I'm going to slap you” He threatens, Roman laughs, shaking his head.

“Do it coward, I dare you” The judge challenges, Logan stops them in their path. Staring right into the previously fiery eyes, now filled with an amber fear. “You should know Patton tells me everything”

“Not to be made fun of I presume?” Logan contradicts, Roman rolls his eyes nudging the lawyer. “That's what I thought” He holds his head up high

“Dude, i'm just screwing with you, I think its good” Roman assures, Diana hums softly on her end. Finding no place in this conversation she skims her files. “Miss Bernard” Roman greets

“Your honor” She breathes, a hint of annoyance. The two actually present themselves quite similarly, Logan notices. “Mister Tolentino I hate to interrupt but I do have a lot of work to get to-”

“Yes, I understand, apologies” Logan laments, turning to a gazing Roman “Roman, I will talk to you later” He nods, the judge walks away seemingly joining an idle James by the fountain.  A sweet kiss shared between them, Logan raises an eyebrow but continues walking. Once they've reached his office, the shift in temperature hits the young lawyer quickly. A chill runs down her spine, tensing it as Logan barely glances her way. “Please, do sit” He offers, however his tone commands. But she does, and soon they face off yet seemingly on the same team.

~~~

“City councilman?” Patton breathes softly into the phone. He listens, though silent, his mind practically stretches with his thoughts. He walks through the crowded halls, frantic as he packs away his things. “No I mean..Im..I need to-” Cut off by more opportunities and new journeys, he smiles at a patient Logan who waits by reception. “yes , no Leo I understand-” He bites his lower lip, shaking his head “Got it, thanks”

“Everything alright?” Logan checks, taking his hand as he approaches. Feeling his anxieties wash away, dripping to the floor, feeling safe in Logan's touch. He leans in kissing his cheek, the softest of skin.

“Yeah, let's get to dinner” He pushes the other things out of his mind, watching his worries and questions seep away, himself leaning into the security of Logans gentle, curious smile. It doesn't take too long, besides the constant checking in with Virgil and the twins the ride itself is peaceful. The lawyers find themselves settled into the restaurant fast enough.

“I think it would be in our best interest to get right into business, as to enjoy the dinner once we have concluded our discussion” Logan advises, tapping the table. Patton sets down his water nodding.

“I couldn't agree more” Patton traces the brim, listening to the faintest hum from the glass. “So…” He drags it out, Logan smirks under the dimmest of lights.

“The kids” Patton states

“Yes you have them” Logan replies, knowing his words were silly. He was nervous, he wasn’t sure how to approach this, how to express a certain desire he assumed would go away but stuck through. “I would like, through the course of our relationship and however that might progress, to be apart of their lives” he explains, Patton keeps his face. He loved Logan, truly, but his kids would always come first. Every person who had even the tiniest place in their lives Patton made sure that for whatever he could do that they were safe and happy. Now he knew Logan and he knew he wanted him in their lives. But that was then, that was when he knew what he would be doing, now things change. To be blunt, now he isn’t just looking at a friend and caretaker, he’s looking at someone who’s going to be around for awhile, someone who will raise and discipline and love his kids.

“A father” he whispers, realizing to himself. Logan only hears the whistle of his soft words but not the substance. “Logan I don’t doubt that, but do you understand what you’re getting into?” He wasn’t just looking out for his kids, he wanted Logan to understand. He could be jeopardizing his relationship, his everything with Logan but he’s not going to allow the man to end up with something he doesn’t want, can’t handle or doesn’t make him happy.

“I don’t think I do either” Logan admits, he leans forward “But I don’t you did when you first had them. It’s a learning process, a place to grow.” Patton goes to rebut but Logan moves fast “And that is what you have to be understanding, that is what you have to be willing to do. Wanting to do” he breathes “and I want to. I want to learn, I want to be, in the most forward of terms, a parent” Patton inhales gently, soft breath not filling his mind quickly enough. “If you’ll let me and if you want me to” he adds, reaching out a hand, ready to receive. Biting his lower lip Patton takes the hand.

“Congratulations, you’ve got the job” He jokes, though forced his voice chuckles. Something sits uneasy with him, it’s not Logan it’s simply his uncertainty. He doesn’t know where to go from here, how does one go from being a friend to someone you love, who will be around, who your kids will see and soon enough see them as more than just ‘Dads friend’. Wide eyes as the reality set in, Patton didn’t know how to do this anymore. He had been on his own for so long, through every late night, every sickness, every fight, every tantrum and every tear. He didn’t know how to share that with someone, how to let them in.

He didn’t know how to let it be a good thing

How to let his previous fears wash away and embrace that maybe someone really wants to love him and care for him, and he can do the same without the fear of obligation. Someone who wants his kids as much as he does, to sit through those nights, to snuggle as they watch movies, to help when they get too much.

He didn’t know

And that frightened him

[tryingtobeclassy]

mark lee . . . will you like, marry me?

genre: Mark x reader, best friends au, wedding au

description: Mark and y/n have been best friends for years. And they stay friends until the end. But a night filled with drinks and friends also leads them to a wedding.

word count: 3.5 k

warnings: swearing, alcohol

.         .         .          .          .

There are some mornings when you just know it’s not gonna be a good day. Whether it’s a feeling that gets under your skin, all the way to your bones, or in your case, a terrible hungover. Slowly waking up and blinking your eyes open you could feel a headache already attacking your head. And starting a day with a headache is starting the day in a shitty way. Your body felt heavy and sweaty and the comfiness of the bed didn’t help to feel any better.

Some sunlight managed to make its way through the window and directly into your eyes, making you turn around to the other side, the world turning with you as your head was about to explode. You were still half asleep, just barely having your eyes opened. Looking in front of you something felt out of place. As if it doesn’t belong there. A few more blinks, trying to push the sleep away. And then it finally clicked.

You weren’t lying in your bed. And to top that off, there was someone with you in the bed. Better yet it was Mark. Peacefully sleeping a few inches away from you.

You suddenly screamed as realization hit you and tried to get out of the bed, but your clumsy ass managed to get all tangled up in the sheets and not very gracefully fall to the ground. All of that got Mark woken up as well so already the next moment your screaming was accompanied with his as well.

“What the fuck are you doing?” you yelled at him.

“Me? I was sleeping before you decided to aggressively wake me up.”

“Okay but why am I sleeping in your bed?” you asked and scanned him for a second. “And why are you without a shirt?”

He opened his mouth about to say something but stopped before words got out. He suddenly looked very confused and pointed a finger at you. “I have no idea.”

You were interrupted the next moment as Johnny slammed the door open to check out what’s the reason behind all the noise. “What is happening here?”

“That’s what I’d like to know as well”, you muttered, but Johnny managed to catch that.

“You don’t remember?” he asked.

Both you and Mark immediately said no in unison which made Johnny’s face light up with a sly smirk.

“That face doesn’t look good”, Mark said nervously, already expecting the worst.

“Oh, god, did we fuck?” you screamed as that was the first answer you could pull out of that smirk Johnny had going on.

Mark jumped in his spot, not knowing how to react to your question but realizing it is a possibility, while Johnny just burst out literally yelling as he laughed. “No. Don’t worry”, he said once he managed to catch some breath.

You sighed with relief. Mark and you have been best friends for a while. You went through a lot together, but having sex definitely isn’t something you wanted on the list of things you shared and everything up to that moment kinda leaned towards that scenario so you were relieved when you found out the worst was out of the way.

“So what did happen?” Mark asked.

Another devilish smile formed on Johnny’s face. He took a dramatic pause before finally saying: “You two got married.”

Both of you stared at him for a few seconds while your still tired brains were processing that simple piece of information.

“Excuse me, what?” you asked while frowning, your eyebrows almost pierced together into one.

Mark was silent for a little while longer, looking like he’s deep in thought, before his thinking face softened and he was just “oh, right”.

“Come and eat breakfast and I’ll refresh your memory of what happened”, Johnny said lastly and left the room leaving you two alone.

…

the night before

You were staring at your empty bottle of beer, well aware that another would be a mistake as you were already feeling pretty drunk. But your stupidity was stronger than rational thinking at that moment so you still ended up being like ‘fuck it’ and ordering another one.

When Mark invited you out that night to hang out with some of his friends, you were expecting a chill night. A beer or two and then going home and being in bed by midnight. But turns out you were wrong. As it was almost 1 am and no one was showing signs of soon ending the night.

“We should go and do something fun”, Yeri suggested, one of your closest friends you basically dragged anywhere.

“I wanna dance”, Yuta yelled and started shimming with his shoulders.

“There’s a pretty cool club nearby”, Johnny inserted himself into the conversation.

The whole table was soon enough debating what would be interesting to do next as your butt cheeks were starting to ache from all the sitting.

“Christ, I don’t know if I’m in condition for any of that”, you said throwing your head back and leaning on the wall behind you, the entire picture in front of you moving with you and shaking into one blurry mess.

“You wanna go grab some fresh air?” Mark asked you, seeing how absolutely out of it you are.

“Sounds like a good idea.”

Moments later you managed to squeeze yourself out of the place and outside the bar. It was a pretty chilly night, but it wasn’t stopping a bunch of people to crowd in front of it to smoke a cigarette or two. Your body shook the moment the coldness hit it and you felt like it crawled under your skin all the way to the pits of your soul.

“Fuck it’s cold”, you whined.

Without saying anything else, Mark was already taking off his jacket and throwing it around your shoulders.

“What would I do without you?” you said, your tone more joking, but Mark knew you actually meant it.

“Probably die honestly”, he said making both of you laugh.

It’s true. As awkward and sometimes emptyheaded Mark could be, he was no where near your level of walking around like a living disaster – only the remaining two braincells bouncing around in your head. You two would always be up for dumb shit together, but it was no secret that a lot of times Mark was basically your babysitter.

“You shouldn’t have let me drink that third shot I took”, you said while grabbing your head.

The fresh air was actually doing wonders. You felt some of the dizziness going away, but for all of it, it’s gonna take a day of just laying around and peeing and sweating all the alcohol out of yourself.

“I realized it was a mistake only after you drank it and almost cried over cats five minutes later.”

You furrowed your eyebrows. “Honestly, I’d probably almost cry over cats even sober.”

“That’s valid.”

The concept of time left you a long time ago that night so you weren’t quite sure how long you were sitting outside on the edge of the sidewalk, just praying that a taxi wouldn’t come by and make you get up from your places. But it was probably quite a while.

“I still remember that one time you got even drunker than tonight at Johnny’s party. That was a wild night”, he smiled while remembering the memories.

You scrunched your face for a moment, trying to remember what he was talking about. “You mean when I hugged you like ten times and didn’t stop saying ‘this friendship is for life’?”

“That’s the one.”

“Lord, why am I so cheesy when I’m drunk?” you said, acting as if you’re embarrassed.

And then a thought popped into your head. A really dumb thought. Really really dumb. “I have an idea.”

Mark looked at you with anticipation, his eyes sparkling in the light making him look like a small cute kid.

“Let’s get married.”

He stared at you for a few seconds before bursting out laughing. But seeing how serious you were he tried to collect himself. “Are you serious?” he asked a half nervous smile staying on his lips.

“I mean if you’re up for it.”

“Wait lemme think about it”, he answered very seriously, but you weren’t sure how hard could he possibly think about it since he wasn’t all that less drunk than you were.

“Sure, I’m in”, he said after a few moments of silence.

Your mind just blacked out for a second. “For real?” you asked as only at that moment it truly hit you what you offered. And it was motherfucking marriage.

You weren’t sure if it was the alcohol. The fact that you never really thought getting married was a big deal especially since you could always get a divorce. Or if it was both. Or maybe something else. But you didn’t think much of it and both of you got mad hyped the next second and started jumping around and cheering.

“Shit, wait”, Mark suddenly stopped, his enthusiasm just vanishing as a serious face replaced it.

You looked at him confused. How he was grabbing one of the rings on his hand and suddenly kneeling down on one knee. Your hands automatically went up to your mouth to supress a surprised gasp making everything look like a legit proposal. In the night with the flickering street lights around you and almost romantic cold mist stretching through the streets.

“y/n, will you like, marry me?” he asked, the cutest smile forming on his lips.

“Fuck yes I will!”

He softly grabbed your hand, his own hands being so much warmer than your that you enjoyed his touch way more than you’d like to admit yourself. He put his ring on which almost instantly slipped to the ground as it was way too big for your hand.

“I’ll just put it on my thumb for now”, you said and laughed while he was getting up from the ground and taking you in a proper huge bear hug. You felt warm and safe for the few seconds he hugged you like that but were brought back into reality when the smokers crowding on the streets started cheering for you obviously believing you were a proper newly engaged couple.

Once you slid back into the bar and back into the booth the rest was sitting, Mark enthusiastically exclaimed: “Guess who just got married?”

Everyone looked pretty puzzled by the question.

“I literally could not care less”, Haechan said and went back to his beer looking uninterested.

“You?” Yuta asked but was obviously joking which also made him look completely shocked the next moment when you confirmed his answer. “Fucking pardon?”

Most were thinking that you were just messing with them, but Johnny and, ironically, Haechan were the first two to absolutely love the idea and get super into it. “I’m looking up places where you guys can get married right now”, he said while whooping out his phone.

“Are you sure about this?” Doyoung asked, some worry appearing in his eyes. “I mean it’s a pretty big deal.”

“Oh god, don’t be such a boomer, Doyoung”, Haechan protested. “It sounds like fun and that’s all that matters.”

“I’m obviously gonna be your maid of honor?” Yeri asked despite already knowing the answer.

“Obviously.”

The chaos soon erupted at the table. More than half of them got hyped over it in a matter of seconds while the others were trying to explain to you how the idea might not be the best one and how you could seriously regret it once you sober up.

“That’s gonna be a sober me problem then”, you said while nonchalantly waving your hand.

“There’s a wedding chapel like half an hour away with a car”, Johnny interrupted and most of you cheered.

“Let’s get it”, Mark yelled while getting up and so it was in process.

You had a ring, the place was decided. Johnny got extremely into it and ordered some people to get a bouquet and wedding rings while he’d drive with you two, Yuta and Yeri to the chapel and finish all the needing documentation before the rest would arrive.

“Aren’t you a bit too into this?” Yuta laughed while Johnny was drifting through the streets.

“Mark is like my little brother. The only thing I can do is make this the best night of his life”, he joked.

“Every night he spends with me is the best night of his life”, you said acting as cocky as possible while flipping some strands of your hair like a true diva.

“I’m truly blessed to have you”, he followed your act and squeezed your hand while trying to pull of a stare filled with love.

“Ew can you two stop flirting?” Yeri interrupted, a look of true disgust on her face.

“You haven’t seen the horror that’s Mark trying to flirt for real”, Yuta said and you could basically hear a satisfying grin in his voice.

“That’s cold, bro.”

Thanks to Johnny driving like an actual maniac, you arrived sooner than you expected. The place looked quite cute. Like a little church. But pink. It was obnoxiously pink, especially inside, but you kinda liked the tacky vibe it had going on.

“How can I help you?” a lovely young woman at the reception asked.

“We would like to get married if that’s okay?” you said while trying to come off as sober as humanly possible.

She eyed you for a second. If the way you acted didn’t give you away, your breath probably did. But she probably wasn’t all that concerned with it. After all, as long as you paid, she didn’t really give a fuck who and why is getting married.

“And who’s the happy couple?”

Mark gestured at him and you which made the woman shortly congratulate you before she asked for your identification documents and talked you through a bunch of other legal stuff. After around fifteen minutes the most important paper was out that was basically saying you two would be married after signing it.

“One last check, are you absolutely sure about this?” you asked Mark dead serious.

“I’m not backing off now, baby.”

A smile shined on your face once again and you confidently grabbed the pen and signed the paper. You were pretty sure you would be regretting it the next morning, but you didn’t really care. After all what’s the worst to come out of it. You’ll just have to get a divorce at one point, but all the jokes and stories you’ll have will be worth such a minor inconvenience.

The woman told you to wait on the benches in front for a while before the priest is ready. In the meantime, everyone else also showed up, excitedly showing what they got.

“The bouquet is gorgeous”, you said while staring at all the colourful flowers.

You were especially surprised with the rings. Cause apparently they were some cheap crap yet they still somehow looked simple and elegant.

“Wait”, Yeri suddenly yelled, jumping to her feet, her eyes wide. “Who’s gonna walk you down the aisle?”

“Oh, shit, I forgot about that.”

“I wanna do it”, Jungwoo said enthusiastically raising his hand up, looking like a little kid in the process.

You eyed him for a second. “Yeah, sure. Why not?”

And just like that everything you could think of was planned out and covered. Soon enough it was finally time to get in. While waiting in front with Jungwoo, you could feel your heart finally starting to act up as the situation finally got processed properly by your brain.

“You okay?” Jungwoo asked worried as he looked at your nervous face and how you constantly wiped your sweaty palms against your pants.

“I’m a bit nervous”, you said. “Excited, but nervous.”

“That’s normal”, he comforted you, sounding like some wedding pro who knows exactly how people feel in these situations. He then reached for one of his jacket pockets and pulled out a little bottle. “We got some whiskey if you want.”

At first you were a bit shocked at him pulling that out from out of nowhere in this moment, but you still took it and gulped a sip. “Thanks”, you said and he gave you a warm and reassuring smile.

It took about five minutes before everyone was seated and the music finally started. You took Jungwoo under his arm and with the bouquet in the other one slowly made your way down the aisle. Everyone stared at you and looked happy and excited. And at the end was Mark. Waiting for you. His eyes sparkling once again, his little smile making him even cuter than he usually is. Once Jungwoo walked you all the way to the front, Mark softly grabbed your hands into his and a feeling of warmth washed over you.

“This is kinda weird”, you whispered to him.

“I know”, he whispered back and you both softly laughed.

“Shall we begin?” the priest asked.

The ceremony was short and sweet. The priest was probably well aware that all of you were drunk and your attention span was at the minimum. You for one were barely paying any attention. You were mostly focused on Mark and how he’d giggle from time to time, his nose scrunching a bit and just looking all cute and precious. You never really stared at him for so long before so this was the first time you got to really appreciate this cuter side of him.

“y/n?” Mark called your name quietly.

“What?”

“The vows.”

“Oh, crap, right.”

You stopped for a second trying to figure out what to say, but your brain was mostly blacking out and not working straight. “I promise that I will not be just your wife, but your best friend. Forever”, you somehow managed.

“And I promise that I’ll always be by your side and take care of you. Even during the stupidest of your ideas.”

Something about the vows felt quite real and you couldn’t help yourself not to smile for a bit. You smiled again when Haechan brought the rings and Mark carefully grabbed your hand putting the little silver ring on. And you did the same. It felt almost weird doing it. You always expected to do it with someone you love with your entire being. And you did love Mark a whole lot, but just in a completely different way. You never, not even in your wildest dreams or fantasies, ever thought of Mark actually putting a wedding ring on you yet here you are.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife”, the priest said and you saw a huge smile shine on Mark’s face. “You may kiss the bride.”

For a second you just looked at each other awkwardly as if both of you forgot this was part of the ceremony. But exchanging a few glances, you agreed on just a tight friendly hug.

“He said kiss the bride, not hug her like some pussy”, Johnny protested from the side making the entire chapel cheer in unison.

Mark glanced at you one last time before he lightly pulled your hands closer to himself and quickly leaned in for a kiss. You felt his soft lips against yours for a second, tasting like alcohol and mint, and already the next one they were gone. Leaving you to your surprise to almost wish for the moment to last longer.

But you were soon pulled back into reality as everyone else started screaming and cheering. From all the noise you somehow managed to hear someone yelling to throw the bouquet so with barely any coordination you did so, hitting Jungwoo in the face in the process.

The moment felt unreal. It felt exciting and like pure joy. Something you expected from a real wedding as well. Everyone was happy. Everyone was up on their feet celebrating. Mark gave you another tight hug even pulling you up from the floor slightly, making you smile even harder. You took a picture with the priest who turned out to be a young really cool dude and like that the wedding was done, the memory created.

You went into the nearest bar for one last round of drinks and once the bartender heard you just got married, the drinks were on the house. Your heart felt full. Your cheeks were basically hurting from smiling so much. You never knew that a moment like that would happen. A marriage that’s basically fake and only legal could make you so incredibly happy.

You didn’t go home that night. Instead you went to Mark’s place that he shared with some of the guys. You both laid in his bed for a long time. Just talking. Laughing about the night. Laughing about so many other stuff. At one point you could feel his hand sneakily grabbing yours and you didn’t protest. It felt warm and nice to be held in his. You felt safe. You felt happy to be so close to him. So close to your new husband.