#also like. the fact that I have alters would probably be a shock lol

[cold--carnage]

I just realized there's no way to brag about Ben that doesn't involve me sounding completely insane

[hellsbellschime]

How do you feel about them botching B&C? And also the random Alicent/Cole thing? My expectations were too high assuming they'd just adapt the source material. I think cutting Daeron, Maelor & Nettles was a bad choice.

This show is supposed to be canon with GoT too (the books being their own separate canon) and somehow Cregan is worried about the army of the dead? Talks about the dragons not going beyond the Wall yet they did in S7?

LOL I mean, I'm just along for the ride. I was quite shocked by Alicole and disappointed at how abruptly they just threw it in there, but it is what it is. I'm way more disappointed in Alicent's absence and presumably Criston's lack of guardianship being explained by them literally banging while Jaehaerys is being beheaded, and I'm way WAY more disappointed in the fact that they will probably blame themselves or see this as some kind of cosmic punishment for loving each other in the "wrong" way. Like I really don't think they needed even MORE sexual trauma on their trauma pile but sure, okay.

I was interested to see how B&C would be executed because child murder in media is a classic no-no (like showing a child being killed in a movie is an automatic NC-17, so you'll almost always see something like what we saw where it's clear that Jaehaerys is dying but it's not on screen), and honestly my attention on that sort of glossed over how meh it was. However, I did film my reaction to it and even as it was happening I was like "huh, why am I having no real emotional reaction to this?" (because obviously not like you'd know but I am a fucking cryyyyyybaby when it comes to movies and TV like I cry so easily and intensely that it's really unnecessary), so in retrospect the biggest bummer is simply that it had no emotional impact. I can really go with any narrative alteration as long as the change is somewhat satisfying, but this is in the minds of many the most shocking moment in the entire world of ice and fire, so for it to have no emotional impact is a bummer.

Obviously, given that we don't know Jaehaerys as a character, it's not going to have the same kind of effect as the Red Wedding, but doing something like removing Alicent from the scene entirely basically cuts the potential for the emotional impact in half because she's one of two characters in the situation that we actually DO know. Phia did a great job considering that the scene basically entirely relied on her reactions, but having Olivia there to work off of (and regardless of the fact that most people hate Alicent, it is undeniable that Olivia CRUSHES emotional scenes) would have at least offered more potential emotional resonance. So yeah, I think it could have been better, some of the choices they made to change it actively made it worse, but it is what it is.

[gurugirl]

I love stepdad Harry! Always brings a smile to my face when i see youve posted (guilty pleasure yum). Thank you for the last one!

but i cannot get enough of stepmom reader. You’ve made that one into something really special. In fact I told someone about it last week and they were like ~ nope. Not into stepmom stuff or older yn. Nope ~

but then guess what? they wound up reading it and binged all three parts and admitted to me that they were wrong 😂 I’m like ‘yeah I know’

just wanted to share that with you! Your stepmom fic is so shockingly good (not shocking bc you’re not a good writer, shocking bc it’s a trope most of us were not interested in) that it’s quickly become my top 5 all time favorite.

i cannot wait for part 4! I adore them and you so much. Do you have any idea when part 4 will come out? Any sneaky???

ps.. sorry for the weird capitalization stuff going on there. My phone decided when to capitalize randomly and I’m too lazy to fix.

A Good Boy sneak peek under the cut below!

🥹 thank you so much, babe. Really glad you liked the stepdad!harry from yesterday! That was a quick little fun thing to write.

As for stepmom!reader - wow! I really love that you're liking it so much and talking about it with other people and that your friend changed their mind 😂 Seems to be the theme for that fic. So many of y'all didn't think you'd like it based on the trope alone but I'm surprised that you guys did enjoy it anyway! Makes me smile.

So, I'm almost done with part 4. I think I can have it out by Thursday? Maybe? I'm super busy today (well, busy for me LOL) and gonna try to write but I've also got something I'm working on that someone paid me to write so I'm prioritizing that. Thursday at the earliest I'll post part 4 but I'll let y'all know.

And the random capitalization? My phone does the same. 😂 The words can't, can, and don't often get capitalized in the middle of sentences and it's a crapshoot on when the beginning of a sentence will be capitalized or not. I need to turn it off so it just leaves everything lowercase. So no judgement from me!

Sneak peek below !! (just remember this is literally copied from the word doc I'm writing in and hasn't been proofread or edited so some changed may be made before I post part 4)

Y/n was wearing her newly altered peach silk dress. The alterations were simple. The straps and hem were adjusted and the back column was dropped down a bit to drape to her low back. Her strappy nude heels were well-worn but comfortable because she was just simply not in the mood to wear the stiff, new heels she’d just bought.

The estate of Rebecca Manera was impressive. Probably equally as impressive as Leonardo Styles’. Most of the guests had already arrived by the time the Styles’ walked through the front door a little late.

Leo scolded Y/n for taking so long to get ready and making them run behind but in all honesty, she didn’t give a fuck. They could be half an hour late. No one would care. Why rush to go to a party? It’s not like they needed to clock in and earn a paycheck.

“It’s rude, Y/n. That’s why it matters. You’re so goddamn rude sometimes. You only think about yourself.”

She turned sharply to look at her husband in shock. That was the first time he’d ever said such a thing to her. Normally he had no opinion on how she conducted herself. She was chronically late. Yes, she could admit that was a flaw in her character but she was on time when it really counted. But to get so worked up over a party? And to insult her on top of it?

That had set the whole mood for the night. And now she was even more suspicious about this Rebecca.

But when Rebecca did make her appearance and introduced herself to Y/n she was taken aback. The woman had to be in her 50s. She was pretty, sure, but not quite Leo’s type. If Y/n were any sort of indicator of a type.

Servers walked around with trays and served the couples in attendance. There were only ten couples there as well as Rebecca’s two daughters, Y/n learned. Quite the intimate affair really.

Leo brought a glass of wine to Y/n as she chatted with Mrs. Topman (she never learned her first name, as the woman literally introduced herself as Mrs. Topman).

“Here you are darling.” His green eyes shined down at her before searching the room casually. She was on to Leo. But she found it odd that the woman he was with in the Hamptons was Rebecca. She was intrigued.

She watched Rebecca mingle and sip wine and laugh and there was nothing there that made Y/n think Leo would be interested in her sexually. But maybe that was it, Y/n thought to herself as she cocked her head to the side watching the woman speak boisterously. Maybe it wasn’t sexual. Maybe it was a woman he felt a deeper connection with than he did with Y/n. Perhaps it hadn’t started sexual but led there.

The snack table was set up with decadent treats. Y/n picked up a toast smeared with something pink, topped with heart-shaped tomatoes on top as she scanned the room for Leo, wondering where he’d gone off to. It hadn’t been that long but knowing about Rebecca being with him made things feel like she was in some kind of true crime detective story and was trying to get to the bottom of a mystery. Though there was no crime being committed, she could entertain herself with that thought.

“Are you enjoying your time tonight?”

Y/n turned her sight to Rebecca who was next to her picking up the same toast with pink schmear.

“It’s amazing. Your home is so lovely, Mrs. Manera,” she smiled and noted the woman’s massive diamond ring in addition to her massive diamond wedding ring.

“Why thank you. Phineas has put in so much work to make this large shell into a lovely cozy home.”

Y/n nearly spat her bite out. The home was anything but cozy.

“It’s incredible. Where is Mr. Manera tonight?”

“Oh, just over there,” she pointed to a man in tweed with thick black-framed glasses, “You haven’t met yet?”

Rebecca led the way as Y/n walked in her wake to meet Mr. Manera. She had still not spotted her own husband.

“Phineas, dear, this is Mrs. Styles. Leonardo’s wife.”

The man held his hand out, “Very nice to meet you, Mrs. Styles.”

“Likewise. You can call me Y/n.”

 “Well, Y/n. We’re happy to have you here. Where’s Leo anyway? Haven’t seen him.”

Turning around quickly to look over her shoulder she shrugged and faced the man and his wife again, “Not sure actually. I haven’t seen him in a bit myself,” she laughed. And before she could even think about what she was implying she spoke to Rebecca, “But I’m sure you’ve seen enough of him since you saw him in the Hampton’s this weekend.”

Rebecca and Phineas’ smiles dropped as they looked at one another and then back to Y/n, “I haven’t been to the Hamptons in over a decade. Are you sure you’re not mistaking me for Parker? Our daughter? She was just there all weekend with her girlfriends.”

A Good Boy Masterlist

A Good Boy tags: @becauseheartsgetbroken-hs @shishcabobsworld @daphnesutton @spinnerswife69 @holy-macncheese-balls @cookielovesbook-akie @lilfreakjez @itsgigikay @amateurduck

[altraviolet]

Going off the last few asks, how would you alter MTMTE shockwave not necessarily to fit into TEG, but be more like a character instead of an empty shell? What kind of character development would you give him? How would you make him better?

ah ok so to answer this, which I am probably going to fail to do to be honest, I need to write out some stuff

MTMTE Shockwave was a fine character. he wasn't an empty shell at all: he was a Senator with a face and a color-changing hobby who groomed (?) Optimus Prime in some capacity that I never fully understood. he was vocal about... stuff... against the current regime (pre-war senate), and therefore was horrifically punished with the empurata procedure. his head and hands were removed so that he looked like his G1/usual design.

so, I wanna be clear that MTMTE Shockwave (which you specifically mentioned) is fine. the rest of the stuff IDW did with him was incredibly confusing. I didn't read all those comics, but it was something like: Shockwave traveled back in time and established himself as a god and then ??? and then he was a senator and then he got empurata'd and then he went back in time. also at some point he sent a bunch of magical ores out to different planets. IDW somehow wrote it so that Shockwave was, like, responsible for all of the major milestones of the IDW universe in regards to TF. or something. honestly, like I said, I found it incredibly and unnecessarily confusing

if you happen to know what shockwave did and you feel like replying to this or reblogging with the answer, go ahead, but please know, and I mean this in the kindest way possible, I don't care xD they couldn't make me understand it the first time and it's too late to appreciate it now. again, it is a respectful apathy, lol.

so I'mma re-imagine your question to be "how would you alter IDW shockwave... What kind of character development would you give him? How would you make him better?"

and to that I say... I'm honestly really tired, lol. ok ok I'll try. uh. so, IDW had a specific and (apparently) long-entrenched plan for him. he's a huge part of that universe. entwined with the fabric of its reality. what you're asking for is a very big question: what does Shockwave do? and the answer is like... infinity. there are a ton of things one could do. what would I do? I can't help but take this question very seriously, and that's why I mention the fact that IDW had a big plan for him. how could I have changed him and kept aligned with the canon? is that an important part of what you're asking?

if I'm not making any sense right now, I guess an equivalent would be: this pound of ground beef was made into a burger. what would you have done with it instead? and my answer is 1) I don't eat beef so uhhhh, and 2) are we at McDonalds? are we still adhering to the burger-ness? Or can I make something completely different, like stew? I prefer chicken: can I use that instead?

did that make any sense at all xD

ok ok but let's just say I don't have to fit Shockwave into the larger IDW universe. I can do whatever I want with him

again it's hard for me to answer because Shockwave works in conjunction with other characters. what is Megatron doing? what resources does Shocky have available to him? where is he? are we pre-war?

maybe the faster thing to do is tell you what I wouldn't do: I wouldn't have him time travel back in time and become a god and then ??? and then ??? and then be a senator.

maybe I'd concentrate on the senator aspect. maybe I'd take him in a different direction after the empurata. I think it'd be more fun to explore him with clearly-defined goals after empurata. maybe the empurata wouldn't work perfectly: he'd still care about some things. maybe he'd be himself, but really fucked up, like how in stories when people die and come back, they come back wrong. maybe I'd brave some Shock/OP and make you all cry until your tear ducts burned, with the yearning and the loss and the visceral pain of what Shockwave was forced to endure. Remember me as I was is fucking hardcore.

sorry, I realize this answer is really long and possibly a pain in the ass to read. I have a brain that sees infinity and worldbuilds until it eats itself, so it's hard for me to narrow down an answer for you on the fly. I hope something here was entertaining or interesting, and if you want to narrow down the parameters in a further ask, I can hopefully give a better answer

[inkofamethyst]

December 10, 2022

Thinking about how I had the weirdest, most emotionally-draining weekend a year ago.  I had a mild anxiety attack over being asked out, I lost the solo I’d worked so hard on (they cut the song out of the repertoire (every time I go to an event where this one specific girl who was involved in that decision is also there, I learn a little bit more about that situation and I think she just feels really really bad about it but apparently most of the sections were struggling with it and it just wasn’t coming together)), and then there was a covid outbreak the following week that postponed the concerts altogether.  Hmph.  Memories.  And lots of journaling this week.

I finished Crooked Kingdom last night!!!  Loved it!!!  Thought the.. shocking event near the end was kind of glossed over to the point where I felt insulted for that character, but whatever.  GAH it’s got to be one of my favorite YA series.  Now I have to figure out what to read next...  OH!  That book about Jean Luc Picard, of course!

Also I’ve seen two spiders in my room in less than a week???  That is unacceptable!  The main downside to winter is that all the big buggos decide to stay inside more as well and I hate them for it!  If I could have one superpower it would be the ability to maintain a 20 foot radius of no bugs (secondarily, I’d like kinetic energy manipulation, like Quake :D).

Anyway, you know what time it is.  I’m overly ambitious and I’ve got six weeks of no school and I wanna use ‘em, so it’s time for... Winter!  Break!  Goals!!!  We all know the rules to this game, but for any newcomers, allow me to elucidate.  There’s a bunch of stuff that I plan to do whenever I’m home from school, and I consider a long break to be successful if I can finish three of them.  So let’s begin the list, shall we?

Input all the dna sequence data for my research and get back on that grind (and also just organize my data a bunch more)

Read up a bunch of archaeology and geology papers, also for research purposes

Teach my dancer-friend how to read music so she can audition for choir (if she still wants)

Maybe go to the zoo?  (this is less of a goal but there’s a lil zoo near my campus that I’ve never been to)

Stretch three times a week (to prepare for ballet in the spring)

Just do one alteration/mend, just one is all I ask

Maybe make that one dope jumpsuit from Mood Patterns

Make a mockup of that ulster coat for my dad (and also maybe find the fabric for it)

Make the cropped jacket from Charm Patterns, or at least a good draft of it

Make/find a petticoat or slip or something that will allow me to wear long circle skirts without them sliding between my legs

Maybe go ice skating

Make more of my off-brand jerk spice mix

Finish that Paradise arrangement

Find people for my One More Soul arrangement

Find a dress for the orchestra’s spring formal

This winter will be an interesting one because I have to fit in some of my goals while also being a TA for the first time which I’m really looking forward to.  It’s a subject that I could probably (and would love the opportunity to) talk about for sixty hours straight.

Today I’m thankful for the fact that my blackened salmon turned out really really well???  It’s my first time making salmon myself, and I was afraid of overcooking/drying it out but it went really well!!  I think next time, I might try marinading it beforehand to see if the spice flavors can seep deeper into the flesh, but it was absurdly quick to make and I’ll get four dinners out of it.  The only problem is that salmon ain’t cheap lol.

I’m really looking forward to the concerts tomorrow (even if the twelve-hour day drives me to madness! (though I’ll be able to test how much time I’ll actually need to get from my apartment to my “early” class next semester at the performing arts building in the mornings and what that’ll mean for my wake-up time))!  I’m also looking forward to them being over so I can focus on other things (like getting some sleep <3 (and also my apps and essays lol))!

[thebibliosphere]

I had a question.

So, just an hour or two ago, I was going through some sort of “manic high”, sorta like how somebody with bipolar disorder would have (I don’t have BPD). It felt like a bullet train at max speed and completely derailing, and it was incredibly draining. It also got me wondering.

Do people with severe enough ADHD deal with ADHD episodes like this? My search attempts are often futile because all of it is just talking about how to differentiate between BPD and ADHD and BPD manic episodes, but nobody ever mentions ADHD episodes; the only time I’ve seen it mentioned ever was when somebody made a clip of crankgameplays to show what an ADHD episode looked like.

Do they even exist? I’ve got no idea, so I was just wondering if you knew.

Hey! Sorry, I saw your other ask a while ago, but I wanted to talk to my ADHD specialist before I answered because I’d never heard of the term “episode” being used to describe ADHD. I’m also going to splice both questions together here and answer them in segments in the hope it helps :)

So like I said, I’d never heard of the term “episode” with ADHD, and neither has my specialist. Part of ADHD is having a natural ebb and flow between inattention and hyperactivity, sometimes skewed toward one or the other, depending on your ADHD type. (What are the different types of ADHD?)

Your type of ADHD may also fluctuate because of other factors, such as stress, changes in medication, hormonal fluctuations, lack of sleep, overstimulation, or even under-stimulation, to name a few. Another overlooked part of ADHD is emotional dysregulation, which may cause rapid cycling emotions that may look like an “episode” to someone unfamiliar with what that actually qualifies. The way my therapist explained it and using your example of bipolar disorder, “episode” is used in diagnostic criteria to categorize manic or depressive episodes that last X amount of time, are usually severe, potentially requiring hospitalization, and are accompanied by other symptoms not found in ADHD.

Our “bursts” of energy or lack thereof typically don’t last long enough to be considered episodes. This isn’t to say they are not severe or debilitating, especially if you suffer from things like anxiety or depression that ADHD can feed into. Merely that “episode” is not used as part of the language used to discuss ADHD, which is likely why you’re not finding anything.

So, do ADHDers experience intense bursts of energy that are draining afterward? Yeah, we can do, especially if we lean more toward hyperactive than inattentive. (And again, it's normal to fluctuate and also for things to be affected or worsened by secondary factors.)

And I'm going to put the rest under the cut because this is hella long.

I’ve seen some people think that all hyperactivity has to come with fixation, but that’s not how ADHD works. It’s true if something gets us excited or gives us a dopamine boost, we might be more prone to becoming hyperfixated and burn all our energy up on that. But you don’t need something to fixate on to experience hyperactivity. Some of us are just wired to the moon sometimes, and yes, it can be very draining when it ends. Some people find medication helpful in regulating their hyperactivity/preventing it from coming in such big swings and dips.

Speaking personally, when I'm hyper and nothing is grabbing my attention, the world and people around me can feel painfully slow. It's like I'm going a mile a minute doing everything but achieving nothing. The crash that comes after can also be particularly bad, as I also have dysthymia, which can tip over into a major depressive episode depending on other factors in my life at that time. For years I was misdiagnosed as having "probably Bipolar Type II" by a doctor who didn't believe teenage girls could "get" ADHD* and convinced my parents I needed psychoactive drugs. The drugs I was on didn't help, in fact, they made me worse so I was taken off them.

It wasn't until I found an ADHD specialist as an adult a few years ago that I made any real progress. And I'll be honest, I was shocked when she diagnosed me with ADHD, I really didn't think I had it. Right up until we started doing the work and slowly but surely my mental health began to improve and my understanding of myself with it.

Sometimes there are days when I will be wired to the moon and it will derail my entire day because I can't focus on a single thing/I'll focus too much on a single thing. Other times, like when I am closer to my menstrual cycle, I'll crash into inattentiveness and depression because of how my hormones affect my various different conditions, including my ADHD. Medication would likely help with this, but due to medical reasons, that's currently not an option for me so I do the best I can.

That said, if you’re experiencing something more than hyperactivity but it's not mania, you may be experiencing a form of hypomania and you should talk to a doctor about your concerns.

Hypomania typically occurs in Bipolar Type II disorder, which is less severe than the manic episodes in Bipolar I. I’ve experienced both manic and hypomanic episodes in my life due to medication interactions, and they felt very different from ADHD hyperactivity. It's not just derailing mile-a-minute thoughts, it's something usually completely mood-altering and out of control feeling followed by devastating crashes.

If you're on any medications and are worried you are experiencing something like this, you need to talk to your doctor. You might just need a dosage tweak, or you might be better off on a different medication altogether. Also, make a thorough check of any and all medications you are taking to check for any interactions.

I'm on a cocktail of meds for my MCAS, which if I were to combine them with the SSRI one of my doctors wants me to try, would result in serotonin syndrome. The doctor didn't notice this, but the pharmacist sure as shit did!

Some people (ask me how I know) even develop mild hypomania from overusing the sunlamps used to treat SAD (link), which is why brands like Verilux now include warnings in their leaflets about not using the lamps for more than X amount of time a day. Thankfully it goes away once you stop overusing the lamps.

Which actually brings me to something you asked last time about being unable to sleep at night. Insomnia and delayed sleep phase cycles are not uncommon in ADHD. This is likely because our circadian rhythm is thought to be out of whack (link).

You also mentioned having racing thoughts at night too, which is not uncommon either with hyperactivity. I find if I get overstimulated before trying to sleep, I’ll end up lying there awake with what I like to call “radio ADHD” playing in my head. It can range from snippets of songs stuck on repeat, conversations, things I’ve watched on TV, arguments, or if something is happening the next day, fixating on not being late for it. Hence, I end up getting no sleep because you can’t accidentally sleep in if you don’t sleep. *jazz hands of despair.*

Sometimes I find Radio ADHD soothing if it’s fixating on something chill, but it can get annoying fast and even distressing if I’m tired and can’t “change the station.” (I’d say “shut it off,” but as of yet, I’ve never been able to do that. Medication helps some people with this, as can looking into “sleep hygiene” if you haven’t already.) Conversely, if I’m bored or something is too stressful, I will 100% fall asleep because my brain would literally rather just turn off than do something I don’t want to do or is a low dopamine reward task.

Brains are fun.

Anyway, I uh, I am not sure if any of this is useful to you, but I hope it helps. Mostly I'm just repeating back what my specialist said when I asked her about it lol. Good luck, and I hope you figure things out.

----

*NB: It's important to note that ADHD and Bipolar Disorder can be comorbid. It's not a one or the other situation. I’m just throwing it out there in case hearing that helps someone else pursue the proper diagnosis!

[syscurse]

Characters VS. Alters

I want to talk about my experience with having characters vs. alters. Obviously, this post is just talking about my own experiences and I know that it’s not the same for everyone. Hopefully you guys find it helpful or interesting, though!

So, I’m an author and my original characters are living rent-free in my head. They feel autonomous and have their own thoughts and opinions and interactions with each other. Characters can develop themselves...I love that about them lol! Sometimes I let my characters loose in imaginary scenes to see what they do on their own. Sometimes I step inside of them to experience their thoughts and understand their actions better. Sometimes I ‘become’ them. I think these are all normal parts of the creative process.

When I was younger, I had the belief that my original characters were actually real people. Some of them existed in separate worlds, but I could also imagine them in the real world too. I could see them right in front of me if I wanted to. I genuinely felt like they were real people. None of that was distressing. It helped me cope with the aftermath of trauma I was unknowingly enduring and provided me a lot of comfort and creative energy.

When I see people describe their experiences with non-disordered plurality, I find it relatable sometimes. A lot of people describe it similarly to how I experience having characters. I’m not trying to say that this is what all non-disordered plurality is like, though. I just find it interesting.

My experience with my alters, on the other hand, has been nothing like any of this. I think these 3 words best explain the difference between my alters and those other experiences: knowing, understanding, and accepting. 

Knowing:

I know I have characters. I can’t tell you the exact amount (probably thousands), but I know which ones are mine and which ones aren’t. If you showed me a character I made, I’d be able to go yeah that’s my character and I made that. I could tell you many facts about them like their name, pronouns, species, orientation, what they mean to me, etc. Even if it feels like they develop themselves sometimes, I know that development occurred. Even if it feels like they’re autonomous and do things on their own sometimes, I know that they’re doing that. For their entire existence, I have known about them.

It’s the complete opposite with my alters. 

I didn’t know I had alters for the longest time. When I finally found out I was a system, I still didn’t know many of my alters. When new alters showed up, who had always been there with memories that sometimes stretched back even further than my own, I was shocked. I never knew about them before, even though they existed alongside me my whole life with evidence to prove this.

Currently, I still have no idea how many alters there have been. I can’t even guess an amount. It would be like trying to guess how many peanuts are in a jar that I’ve never seen before. It’s not the same as having so many OCs that I can’t count them anymore. I have seen that peanut jar, and I put every single peanut inside of it. It’s different.

I could hardly tell you any facts about my alters. I didn’t know what their names were, let alone what they were like, or that they existed before I realized they were there. It stretched beyond that. I didn’t know aspects of my own life, like our past and very crucial memories--both happy and upsetting. I didn’t know these things. And the alters often didn’t know all these things either.

When we did know about something, we often had no idea what they were or why they existed!

Understanding:

With my characters, I understand what’s going on. I understand when they develop themselves, when they interact with each other, when they interact with me, and I understand the scenes that play out. It doesn’t have to make clear sense all the time, but I’m still able to comprehend that it’s what I’m experiencing. It doesn’t feel out of my control, but I wouldn’t say I’m actively controlling it either. It’s like an unconscious function of the mind for me.

Once again, my experience with alters is different.

For the longest time, I couldn’t understand my alters. Their actions with my body, their thoughts and feelings that sometimes bled over--I couldn’t comprehend it. They couldn’t comprehend it, either. It felt completely foreign. This often led to situations like our journal entries being scribbled out because “I've never felt or thought those things before”, not knowing why beloved projects were suddenly deleted, and feeling dumbfounded while the body is sobbing uncontrollably because “I'm perfectly fine”.

Once again, it extends further than just the alters. Those aspects of my life that I was suddenly confronted with...some of them I just couldn’t understand. There were specific memories that I spent years trying to figure out. There were feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that I couldn’t comprehend, yet they were originating from within me. Why am I feeling this? Where are these thoughts coming from? What is that? Who is that? Who am I? What happened to me? Why?

My characters don’t do that.

Accepting/Believing:

The last thing is acceptance. When I say acceptance, I’m talking about fully believing in something. I accept that my characters are characters. I accept who they are and the things they do (even if I don’t agree with them). I accept their origins. I accept that I created them, that I am an author, that they are a part of reality for me. I fully believe in these things, it’s not something that needs to be questioned.

Dissociation is when you’re unable to fully accept reality. Dissociative identity disorder is exactly what it says on the tin.

I couldn’t accept my alters without years of therapy and trauma processing. I can’t tell you how often it felt like they weren’t real. We came up with every excuse possible to say that each other doesn’t exist. The DID doesn’t exist. The trauma doesn’t exist. You aren’t real, but I am. I’m real, but you aren’t. Neither of us are real. We’re real, but the DID isn’t. The DID is real, but we’re not. We found every excuse.

It’s one thing to know and understand that my alters come from trauma, but it’s another thing to fully accept that. To fully accept their origins and that they’re parts of me is to fully accept that these terrible things happened to me to. The thoughts and feelings they have that might overwhelm or scare or disgust me so badly are parts of me, as well. I’d have to accept that my own imagine of who I am isn’t complete, and they’d have to accept that too. Then, we’d have to bring each other into our image of who we are. Obviously, that’s hard as hell to do. Literally goes against what the disorder wants.

Extra:

So, yeah, the two experiences are very different for me. When I was able to start knowing, understanding, and even accepting my alters, though, I can still see differences. Alters are more like compartmentalizations of my life and who I am as a person; we all make up the same person. My characters...aren’t who I am. Sure, they come from my mind and I gifted most of them traits from myself. But they don’t make up who I am as a person. You don’t read a book and feel like you know who the author is by combining all of the characters in your mind. The characters just aren’t the author. They’re a creation from the author’s creativity. That’s something separate.

I didn’t create my alters in the same way I didn’t create myself. We were all born on the same day, in the same body, in the same mind, and have experienced the same life. Not all of us know, understand, or accept that but it’s how it is. Idk if that makes sense but hopefully it does.

This is how I’ve been able to distinguish between these two experiences. This isn’t something I see talked about a lot. Feel free to share your own experiences if you want!

[familyagrestefanblog]

Jackady: The importance of the father-son hug scene

One of my favorite Adrien-Gabriel moments to this day is still the ending scene of "Jackady" but I have seen more confusion for it than clarity in the Fandom so here is my analysis on it for why I love it so much. Because as the seasons go by this moment sustaines so much more significance that I simply HAVE to talk about it!

While it isn't the only Adrien-Gabriel scene that does it, I adore this scene because it shows perfectly that in the beginning their little, broken family could have made it out of this tragedy stronger and maybe even better but the reality that Adrien and Gabriel are also Chat Noir and Hawkmoth not only hinders those chances, it actively drives them further apart into destruction

Maybe one day I'll give all my thoughts to the entire scene and just go on a rambling post about it (because I love EVERYTHING about this scene) but for now, let's just focus on the main aspects that really sell it to me.

I give Gabriel alot of shit on my blog for obvious reasons. I refuse to generally give him the same positive and conciderate treatment as Adrien, Marinette and the other kid characters because unlike them HE is an adult, a father and the villain of the show. The adult and villain part I'm not taking too personal because those are "just" the traditional aspects of his character type. But what is incredibly unique about him is the fact that even if he is this evil villain type he still gets to be the realistic type of abusive and (truly) bad father with sympathetic moments like this:

This moment of shock and fear is not something you would normally see in a family cartoon from an evil parental figure the child longs to bond with without setting the parent up for redemption. But as we now know by s3, Gabriel is only getting increasingly worse and more abusive and Adrien is starting to let go of his father to move on without him and defying his will. It's quite clear now that their future will not be anywhere near good, "Chat Blanc" showed us what's to come.

And this is exactly why I love this scene. Because, yes, this family will go up in flames and never truly reconcile ever again (Gabriel went WAY too far for that in the way he abuses/will abuse Adrien) but the show doesn't shy away from showing us the transitional phase in between which really not alot of media dares to. Normally when they stay enemies or their situation doesn't end in an at least somewhat forgiving way this transition is simply mostly skipped to not having to let the bad parent have realistic and sympathetic moments in their downfall into madness/villainy (especially with their victim).

Miraculous does and it's beautifully tragic because you can just... SEE the situation unfold and understand where the eventual fate of the family comes from.

The pure misunderstanding between these two in this scene, the way they just talk RIGHT PAST each other because the other one can not understand the problem cuz they don't know the secret identity of the other one is... brutal!

This moment here could have worked for them. It could have been a genuine step forward in their relationship and saved their family but it got completely CRUSHED by their secret identities as Chat Noir and Hawkmoth.

Let me show you what I mean:

THIS is a moment I AM giving Gabriel genuine credit for, because you can turn it any way you want it won't change the fact that, for his situation, THIS was the right question to ask his son. But at the same time it's just such a... horrible thing to say here oh my GOD.

And that's the ugly, UGLY beauty here.

If Gabriel weren't Hawkmoth (if someone else were Hawkmoth so the situation would still have happened) he would not have reacted to the fucking ring. He would have thought nothing of it and had remained focused on Adrien, because that was his original intention (problematically executed but that's beside the point now).

After Gabriel got himself in life threatening danger because he didn't listen to Adriens concerns, he went to him to hug him as apology. THIS is Gabriels way of apologizing and trying to make up for his faults. He's obviously not good at verbalizing his feelings properly and at normal interpersonal dynamics in general. So what he does is trying to make his feelings known in a... "material/physical" way. This does not only show through Gabriel just buying the best things for Adrien without ever being there for him, it also shows in the way he physically interacts with his loved ones when he genuinely wants to show his love. Because for how seriously antisocial and unreachable as he normally is, he also gets... quite touchy.

The shoulder touch thing Adrien does as well to show his affection for someone, him hugging Adrien both times he got a wake up call and literally everything thats happening between him and Natalie at this point lol.

Him hugging Adrien here is just as much of a big deal as Adriens expressions make it seem to be

But the father-son moment couldn't last because the villain-hero alter egos interfered. Gabriel being Hawkmoth rightfully stopped the moment here, because reacting to even the slightest chance of your own child being the hero you try to destroy is undoubtedly the right way to handle this (even if the way he did it wasn’t ideal, that's not something I would expect from any character in that situation), but nevertheless it still utterly crushed the moment.

Cuz just because it is the right thing for HAWKMOTH to ask his son Adrien who he fears COULD be Chat Noir, doesn't it mean that it is anywhere close to okay for Adrien/Chat Noir to hear this very question in that moment from his father who he thinks as a normal civilian in this.

And Adriens expression once again makes this perfectly clear

(You know the offense just reached an other dimension when the kid, who is already well aware and used to their fathers emotionally painful ways, makes a face like THAT)

Cause here is the thing. We all know by now that Adrien has some serious self esteem issues and that while he tries to over play it (especially as Chat) he just doesn't hold himself in high regards or even likes himself very much. Hence why he goes all out on the acting as Chat Noir and doesn't defend himself much.

But just because he doesn't like himself that much doesn't it mean he still doesn't want that very validation and appreciation from his father. Just like all of us and everyone on earth, Adrien wants to be loved for himself, even if he doesn't/can't do it himself. Thats normal and is something that can deeply damage you when you don't get it from your own parent/s.

So tell me, do you see why Adrien was so CRUSHED when in probably the first time since his mother's disappearance Gabriel gave him the genuine and all present love he wanted for so long, just for Gabriel to cut their moment short and FOCUSE ON THE RING?

The one thing on Adrien that makes him become "someone else" so he can escape from having to be himself for a bit.

And for Adrien it now seems like that in his own fathers eyes this ONE thing Gabriel shouldn't even know could be anything special about if he weren't Hawkmoth, is the ONLY thing worth noticing about his own son so it catches his eyes.

It tells Adrien right to the face that nothing Adrien was and did to make his father happy up to this point measured up with Gabriels expectations. All of Adriens efforts, his patience and his hopes of earning his fathers love and happiness if he only does well enough, literally in vain. It wasn't enough. It's wasn't enough for Gabriel to notice in comparison to the ring apperently.

From Adriens view you can interpret it two ways:

1. Since earlier Gabriel also took a closer look at Chat Noirs ring Adrien now thinks correctly that his father is seeing his new ring as a sign that he could be Chat Noir. This would mean that in Adriens eyes Gabriel would have cut their moment, an action of validation and love Adrien has longed, worked and patiently waited for so LONG, short and basically forgot all about Adrien himself because there is a SLIGHT possibility that Adriens ring means he COULD be Chat Noir. His own father literally choosing his secret identity over his civilian one as Adrien, the son Gabriel had for 14 years, is beyond crushing. And while it seems strange for Adrien to take offense in this because, well, he IS Chat Noir so what the big deal? The big deal here is, again, that as Chat Adrien is literally trying NOT to be himself. He uses the opportunity of being an anonymous hero to escape from having to be Adrien Agreste in every way he can. Gabriel throwing aside the son who is literally standing in front of him and who did his darn best to be there for him in his own time of grieving his mother to basically only focus on Chat Noir (a person Gabriel in the end of the day shouldn't and doesn't know) possibly being his son, is such a fucked up scenario to throw onto Adriens already low self esteem what the actual fuck.

Or 2. That Adrien simply takes his father choosing to focus on his "simple" new ring out of all things as a clear "I see nothing else worth noticing in you, so to keep this conversation up I have to grasp at straws so I guess I'll be taking about your new ring".

No matter how one chooses to interpret the moment, it's equally as much of a "fuck you" either way. I know Gabriel could have said worse here, but honestly, the list isn't that long.

So when after this Adrien reacts like this:

It should really not come by any surprise. Although, no, it is kind of surprising. Surprising that Adrien didn't react alot worse than this. What Gabriel just threw at him is like the verbal equivalent of a loved one reaching out for you with a hand so they can caress your cheek but the moment you lean in they follow it up with a punch to the face.

It shows just how well Adrien has his emotions under control and is able to stay level headed under such great offense that THIS is the level of irrationality and anger he expresses after basically being out right disregarded by his own father (which should be of no surprise either, as Chat Noir Adrien has to put up with a whole lot of disrespect as well and there he for literally 95% of the time has to shrug it off as well).

But no matter how bad Gabriels line here was, it has nothing and I mean NOTHING on the awful way Gabriel then decides to react to Adriens appropriate but still very mild response.

Because THIS is the moment that sets up Gabriels betrayal and downfall as both a person and especially as a father. Up to this point Gabriel was a horrible person as well, no question. The entirety of s1 he already worked as Hawkmoth, manipulating people, putting them in great danger and planning the demise of two teenagers with sadistic glee. But still one has to acknowledge the difference in these two situations.

In one Gabriel is hiding in a secret lair, manipulating people he thinks beneath him to do the dirty work for him and fight two anonymous heros he just wants to get rid of to reach his goal. Gabriel is taking so much pleasure out of terrorizing Paris and it's people because he legitimately doesn't give a single fuck about them or holds any kind of personal connection to them either. He never goes outside and is very antisocial so these people and their city mean nothing to him because they ARE nothing to him. His (self chosen) isolation and lifestyle pretty much disconnected Gabriel from real life and a normal way of expressing and receiving human emotions. So when there are no emotional stakes for him personally, he sees no reason to not satisfy his villainous desires as Hawkmoth.

So as odd as it may seem to say, him terrorizing Paris prior to this is not the point of crossing the line for his character. For that it's simply to impersonal.

No, the point of crossing the line happens here with Adrien. With Gabriels character things will always come back to Adrien at its core. Adrien (not Emilie, Natalie or anyone else) is the person Gabriel temporarily truly gave up being Hawkmoth for and Adrien is the one person Gabriel has his most human moments with. Not even in his bonding moments with Natalie does he show the same deep and true (misguided) love and affection as he gets to with Adrien in those rare moments (its close no doubt but something about Gabenath is not as deep and true as this father-son pair and I can't imagine it ever will).

This marks the point of no return for Gabriel because it's the first time he chose to deliberately abandon Adrien in the crossfire and decides to be the villain towards him instead of staying there to talk things out with him. It's the first time Adrien truly had Hawkmoth as his father. And Hawkmoth is Chat Noirs ememy so Gabriel fell into that role without Adrien knowing why.

And there is a solid reason for that.

One of the best things of this show is that no matter how horrible things get between these two, things are always much more complicated than a simple "evil father doesn't love his good son" situation. Gabriel calls Adrien "the image of perfection" in this very episode, that's sure as hell not hate or dislike in any way. That's love, that's adoration. This man ADORES his son. And this is were the deep rooted problem lies.

Gabriel loves and adores his SON. The ideal and perfectly perfect son Adrien could become when Gabriel is done forming him into it by suffocating any "imperfections" with an iron fist. It's just that these "imperfections" are always the characteristics that make Adrien ADRIEN. Gabriel may truly love his son but I'm not even sure if Gabriel even so much as LIKES Adrien himself.

And this is perfectly showcased by Gabriel turning away from Adrien in this very scene here.

Because even though Gabriel literally disrespected, shut down and belittled his son for the entire episode he still came to see and hug his Adrien afterwards because he loves him. But HIS Adrien, the perfectly perfect Adrien Gabriel wants him to be, wasn't the Adrien he met up with in his sons room. Instead he got an Adrien with a ring on his hand that could be Chat Noirs, making him possibly one of the two enemies he's trying to destroy.

Adding salt to the "wound" Adrien even backtalks him in a way that undoubtedly reminded him of Chat as well since Gabriel pointed out Chats temper in this very episode.

So Gabriel was very directly confronted with the possibility that Adrien could INDEED be Chat Noir and that naturally comes with the implications that Adrien deliberately disobeyed Gabriels orders accepting that ring, sabotaging Gabriel reaching his goal and in general doing everything his father DOESN'T want him to do BY CHOICE.

And here Gabriel made the decision that marks the point of no return, setting up the devastatingly horrible way this man is treating and will treat his son in the future.

Because this is the moment Gabriel SHOULD have chosen Adrien over his mission. The sheer possibility, no scratch that, even the SLIGHTEST TRACE of a possibility of Adrien being Chat Noir should have immediately made Gabriel take action to save and protect him. Because it's not like Chat hasn't been constantly in dangerous, life threatening or even situations that ended up in DEATH. If Gabriel would truly love ADRIEN his quest would have ended right here, stopping the upcoming horror this family will face before it could have really begun (hence why this was shown to us in an episode of s1, the season where Hawkmoths identity was still unknown. If Gabriel had stopped here not even WE would have known, leaving Gabriels name untainted of Hawkmoths crimes as the Agreste family finally moves on and Hawkmoth dissappeares as suddenly as he appeared.)

because Adrien and his health and life should not be a price Gabriel is willing to risk paying for his goal.

But Gabriel didn't do that.

Because instead of Adrien Gabriel chose the potential perfectly perfect son he wants and turned his back on the one standing right in front of him. Cuz remember what Gabriels goal IS. He wants to change the past, so non of this ever happened in the first place.

Meaning Gabriel turning his back on our present Adrien doesn't mean that Gabriel outright hates Adrien now by the next second cuz he dared to disobey his orders like that. But it means that Gabriel is choosing to separate these two Adriens in his mind, making endangering, hurting and working against THIS Adrien more of a collateral damage than actually hurting his own son. THAT son, the one Gabriel convinces himself he is fighting for, is waiting for him in the past alongside Emilie.

This separation was probably always there since Gabriel started trying to change the past hence why he justifies Adriens unhappiness and the way he abandones him as necessary sacrifices.

But the real separation started HERE, this marks the first time Gabriel just left Adrien behind in a position of complete and deliberate endangerment, knowing that the possibility of Adrien being Chat is still there but choosing to say: "if he indeed is, then that's an obstacle I will have to overcome."

This separation has been developing slowly but steadily through s2 and 3 right to "Chat Blanc" which tells us the future. Me elaborating on this "separation development" though became longer than I want to put in this post, therefore I will go into more depth about it another time.

So let me continue with this:

Adrien is like... Genuinely not even angry. More deeply sad.

He was appropriately and truly hurt when Gabriel only started talking about the ring but once Gabriel turns around and walks away? He looks after his father but more in a way as if he is waiting to see if Gabriel would actually take so much offense in him backtalking him to legitimately LEAVE like this. And Gabriel does.

Adriens intentions wasnt to make his father leave, When he talked back at him it was more of a hurt call out for Gabriel to say more, SOMETHING ELSE, but not to LEAVE!

Adrien then does something very common for people in a fight who wait for the leaving person to turn around again but have to realize that they hope in vain and the other person actually is done with this moment.

His face and body relaxes, he turns completely to the door and seems to... take it in.

Especially in the way Adrien does it here its like he is processing and accepting that what he thought of his father was wrong. Adrien thought Gabriel cared enough for him that he would want to stay even if he backtalks him for example. Adrien expected a conversation here but now had to realize that his father isn't gonna put up with him at all or their differences in an upfront way if Adrien isn't "behaving right". Gabriel will just cut the moment short and deflect whatever conversation with him he doesn't like.

All in all what Adrien took away from this moment with his father is even if Gabriel may care for him (enough to come and hug him as an apology) this care and affection is tightly bound to the way Adrien himself then reacts. If he reacts in a way Gabriel doesn't like he will very quickly deem Adrien undeserving of his affection and take it (and his entire presence) away again.

The way Adrien looks then at his ring also makes me think that he definitely blames himself for how this moment ended. That he "shouldn't have overreacted" and taken such personal offense by his fathers attempt to reconnect with him even if Gabriel hit one hell of a sore point.

This is of course BS. Even if Adrien wasn't Chat Noir the way Gabriel just straight up deflected the conversation to the ring right after the hug, where one normally starts to explain oneself and truly TALK, would have been seriously hurtful even under non-miraculous circumstances.

But it shows how Adrien by instinct immediately starts to invalidate his own feelings to look for the faults in himself. A self-hurtful coping mechanism that unfortunately only gets deepened as the dynamic between these two continues on. 

And lastly it also marks the first time that the ring is truly associated with something bad. Normally (especially so early in the show) the ring stands in association with Adriens freedom and spending more time with people outside, him getting to let loose a little and how he can spend time with the girl he loves. The ring began to loose these positive associations more and more from s2 onward but the first time was here.

It's the object which ruined the moment that could have ended this tragedy before it truly began in both of their eyes and in the viewers. Sure Gabriel being Hawkmoth is the true cause of it and nothing will ever change that but it's Adriens ring, not Gabriels brooch, that sets their separation further in motion. Further as Gabriel initially intended to.

It's the factor Gabriel overlooks Adrien himself for, which is truly brought home by the end scene of "Gorizilla" which serves as a mirror to this one here.

Whereas in "Jackady" Gabriel lost sight of the son right in front of him because of the ring and what its implies, in "Gorizilla" Gabriel thinks he finally received the evidence that Adrien isn't his enemy. So for the first time Gabriel completely disregards the ring, Chat Noir out of his mind, sees ADRIEN for himself and genuinely smiles at him. He can and does make a TRUE attempt at reconnecting!

Which is of course exactly what Adrien wanted for so long, what he hoped Gabriel would do if hes just patient enough with his father. He accepts Gabriels genuine attempt gladly, reassuring his father that he and his efforts are noticed, appreciated and wanted even after everything that happened so they can hopefully go on to a better future.

This is what would have saved this family back in "Jackady" if only Gabriel had chosen the right priority. But as I said before, this moment here happens in s2 after Gabriel crossed the line in Jackady, so this positiv moment can not save them anymore. Both Gabriel and Adrien are already too far in and influenced by their alter egos and the miraculous. So the brief reconnection couldn't last and everything continues to only further fall apart ever since.

And it all began with this beautiful, heartbreaking and tragic moment in "Jackady" these two will never ever be able to truly come back from again.

[hardestgrove]

You asked for prompts for the quad SO time to ask my favorite question, what are their after high school plans? Has Emily ever thought about college? I don't think you've ever talked about that, but sorry if you have!

BONUS question!! -> Emily's favorite foods? What do they like to eat? Can they cook, or is their diet more of a "fast food and whatever they find in the fridge" kind of deal?

fjghlsds I haven't talked about it yet yeah! i have thought about it tho!!

billy's og plan was to save up money and move back to cali but there's been alterations to that for a lotta pretty obvious reasons... so far that's his main goal in life. some variation of "gtfo outta here, ideally to cali" i think he's also gonna be going thru a process of sorting out his shit and what he really wants to do now that he's allowed to engage with his passions and can do whatever he wants. will not be shocked if he ends up doing something music related.

eddie still graduates in s4 (u know... assuming he does dfgds) his main life goal is to make his band actually fucking happen. I think realistically after graduation tho corroded coffin semi-falls apart as all things do in the gap between high school, college/adult life but he's likely gonna end up latching on to the twins who are both also EXTREMELY serious about a music career and both very competent already as musicians and likely that'll go places or at least help launch them all into their own various solid music in the long run careers.

emily was actually going to go to college until plot events make her realize she can't leave her siblings alone with their parents. like yes her brothers would still be there to look out for stacy and alison but the reality is it's a team effort and they've survived so long doing as well as they have because they stuck together. so they got into a really good school and had to defer/inform them they weren't going which also leads to a huge fallout with their father when he finds out bc like ofc. it's all very dark at the time bc emily saw college as an escape from the abuse but over time is actually glad they didn't go because like... they didn't know what they'd do there??? like obvs their dad wanted them to go into business but that's not what they wanted to do. they've got no clue what they actually wanna do with their life. ironically might get wrangled into the band since they already get very literally forced to play bass for the twins sometimes and eddie would 1000% jump on that and help w/ the peer pressure lol. honestly kinda unsurprisingly from someone who was so intensely single-minded about like, 1 escape plan and just survival in general emily's just kinda out at sea a bit once the plan is gone.

steve's in the same boat pretty much, they both know long run they don't wanna keep living in hawkins. that's honestly the one thing everyone agrees on tbh but like he doesn't know what he wants to do with himself or like, what he's even good at. he's still gonna be at scoops ahoy and family video for a while just trying to do something. him and emily (and sometimes billy) likely have talks about wtf they wanna do with their lives since they're the most ????? about it. he gets increasingly more sure tho that he wants kids and like, domesticness which becomes an interesting convo with the other 3 but no one in the quad is actually against the idea in the long run. honestly wouldn't be shocked if he ended up a house husband or some kinda 80s ned fulmer kldfjsgds

i think emily's fave foods are probably like, variations on pasta with tomato sauce, so like half italian food lol and milkshakes. so steve's job at scoops ahoy was a real bonus for them pfft. emily can in fact cook but it's much more on the utilitarian end of cooking because they're making things for 5 people and trying to do it kinda quickly since there's a lot going on. so a lot of things that are pretty easy like pasta and fired rice or involve defrosting things like frozen pizzas. it's also not a shock to see them eating their portion right out of the pan or eating the leftovers off plates a la stories you hear from the exhausted parents of young children lol i think branching out more in cooking is one of the things they'd be into exploring once they have less shit on their plate to deal with honestly

[sl-walker]

All right, since I’m in the middle of a flare and have to work manual labor for the next four days despite it, I figured I would make myself -- and hopefully other people -- laugh by talking about one of my favorite OG Captain Marvel stories. Namely, from Whiz #50, with a cover date of January, 1944, meaning it was probably produced sometime in late 1943.

I want to share it because why not, this is some absurdly charming stuff.

I’ll get more into why it’s one of my favorites as we go, in the form of running commentary. So, full story (with said commentary) under the cut. If you wanna just read the story without my commentary, stick to the pictures. XD

First, let me say that the cover and splash page definitely live up to the story, though the cover’s a bit more sensationalized. But the premise is pretty damn simple: Our intrepid hero and his newsboy alter ego are on vacation. Cap decides to go swimming. It goes hilariously wrong and thus ensues a bit of a madcap adventure, no puns intended.

Second, the fact that Cap and Billy are depicted as essentially different entities makes what Billy does next the ultimate trolling:

Gee, airing out the stolen laundry on the radio? Really? I’ll leave it up to you, gentle reader, whether Billy actually was trolling his own alter-ego for ratings or whether he was just innocently sharing the story while his other-self winced quietly in whatever ether-space he exists in when not front-and-center.

Either way, I love it.

Continuing on...

I get a kick out of the fact that Billy’s monologue is that he’s no dare-devil. One, because that’s so obviously not true in any way -- (that kid is awesomely, sometimes recklessly brave on the regular even without Cap) -- but two, because the bridge is actually named Dare-Devil Bridge. We aren’t given any reason why this dangerous potential death-trap is there, hanging without so much as a gate or a warning sign or anything, because we don’t need one. It’s there specifically for what happens next.

Which, of course, is Billy calling in Captain Marvel, who does some light complaining about the situation Billy left him in. There’s no bite to it, which I find adorable -- Cap actually does get frustrated once or twice in other issues with Billy calling on him for mundane stuff, though he’s never mean about it -- but there is a bit of the sense of being put-upon there that’s just-- I dunno, cute. It’s something I miss a lot in the various post-crisis takes on the character: That duality, that difference in personality, and the way each of them responds to different situations. Often, they’re on the same page, but notably, sometimes, they aren’t.

Someday, I promise, I need to sit down and write how I think that works between those two without being a truly frightening mental illness manifested, what with them being the same person but not the same person. Because I have so many ideas, and I’ve only had since the early-2000s to percolate them. LOL! But until then, just enjoy this.

Here is another reason why I love the Golden Age Captain Marvel books and why I love this specific story: This is an absolutely normal, mundane thing to do. It’s the human thing to do. These aren’t the actions of some super-serious superdude. These are the actions of a pretty shockingly normal guy doing something mundane. And a whole story is built around that normalcy.

It’s cute. It’s funny. It’s the reader already knowing that he’s getting himself into a situation that he absolutely could have avoided, but also completely understanding how it happened anyway. It’s pretty brilliant writing: I say this as a pretty damned good writer myself.

So much of the reason why, I think, Cap was so endearing as a hero is that humanity. He’s got pretty much god-tier power in the Golden Age, once his powerset is established. He’s utterly invulnerable to all physical harm while powered up. But-- he’s human. He knows he’s human. He acts like it, and decides, “You know what? I’m going skinny-dipping.”

He and Billy are both characters it’s so easy to empathize with.

Also, a reminder that the art under Chief Artist C.C. Beck is really, really good. (He had a whole stable of artists to help produce this stuff!) Ignoring registration issues on the printing press, the actual line art is amazingly good; proportion and perspective and consistency.

But anyway--Cap does get to enjoy his swim. But, then, oh no.

I love the idea of a world where the prime hero -- and he definitely is in that world -- can take off his suit and go swimming, and where someone else is bold enough to steal the damn suit off of him. The first time I read this, I started laughing here. Not at him, but at the situation he’s found himself in. At the idea that some random passer-by saw Captain Marvel’s costume and went yoink!

Another thing I love about this particular story is how much Cap and Billy have to work together, just by necessity. Like-- it’s just really good. But anyway, thank everything Billy Batson is on the ball, coming to the rescue.

Sheer bad luck via the weather keeps this story rolling along in hilarious misdirections. Realistically, that uniform probably wouldn’t be all buttoned together (we see Cap take off pieces of it aside the pants in other issues, including socks!), but who cares? The point of the story is that giant bear rug on the floor’s gonna get put to use.

Man, when have you ever seen Superman creeping naked through some stranger’s house wearing nothing but a random polar bear because he went skinny dipping? No wonder these comics sold so well. This next panel is when I start wheezing, though, and pretty much keep wheezing.

“A lady, too! I’ve got to get away from here!”

I’m dying at this point. That’s such a characteristic response, and yet, I think that’s why it’s funny.

Anyway, because this is an excellent story (I mean this without an ounce of irony, too), our dynamic duo stumbles across a plot in play to rob the hotel they’re staying at.

Here’s a big part of why this is such a good tale: Everything fits. Even when it isn’t explained, like Dare-Devil Bridge, it still fits. Why is the tree down? Because there was just a thunder storm, the same one that blew Cap’s suit into the room with the gangsters.

I don’t know if this is Otto Binder’s story, but I wouldn’t be surprised in the least. It’s a complete story told in relatively few pages that accomplishes everything it’s meant to.

Anyway, using foliage as cover, Cap gets to be heroic----then Billy gets to get back to the business of trying to stop the robbery of the hotel and get his heroic alter-ego dressed again.  Which leads to a rather adorable and funny scene of Billy not only trying to describe what Captain Marvel wears, but what size it would need to be tailored in.

(Cap is supposedly a 44 for a suit coat, we find in some earlier appearance, which would refer to his chest size.  So, an XL for shirts and suit-coats.  He’s a big guy, but he’s actually not a hulking huge guy.  But more on that later.)

I love the fact Billy tries to like-- use himself as a model.  Maybe in another ten years, kiddo.  Billy’s actually pretty buff for like a 12-14 year old, he’s not a scrawny kid at this point, but yeah, no.  LOL!

Another thing I also really, really love about this style, though, is that they draw Captain Marvel as being strong, as having a powerful build-- but not as a dehydrated body-builder with deep cuts. He’s got human proportions, regardless of his strength; he’s got a human build, not a superhuman one.

C.C. Beck had a lot of things to say about superheroes who were just muscles on top of muscles, all clearly defined, and he didn’t like it.  As someone who first got into comics in the early 90s with Jim Lee’s X-Men--

I do get Beck’s point.  I not only get it, but I really highly approve of it.  He maintained to the end that he drew (and oversaw) the Marvel family to look like high school and college athletes, and I can see that.  I think the one person who’s gotten it right in the modern era is Evan “Doc” Shaner, who did Convergence: Shazam!  He not only nailed that strong-but-not-hulking build for Cap, but also how young he looked.  College-age, in fact.

But anyway, enough digression into art and why I like this better than most modern takes on the character.  Also, that’s just a cute set of panels.

I also like that there wasn’t an easy fix there.  Cap’s still in his not-birthday suit, and Billy’s still stuck running around trying to solve the issues at hand.  Next comes some other really good panels:

-snorts-  He’s locked in.  Yeah, that’ll hold him.

Anyway, what I really liked here was again that tandem working; Billy can’t punch through a wall, but Cap can.  Cap can’t crawl out while he’s au natural -- well, he could, but he’d probably rather die first -- but Billy’s got no such issue.  It’s just fun when you get to see them doing something like that.  You have to really think for a minute about the trust each of them must have in their alter-ego.

ANYWAY, we get the rare treat then--

--of Captain Marvel not only yoinking a dude into a dark room, but then stealing his clothes.  Except, not his underwear.  Because that’s nasty.  LOL!

I love that in this series, you do actually get to see him wear other stuff.  Go incognito.  Get his red suit messed up enough to take it to a dry cleaner’s, wherein he ends up dressed like a musketeer after.  Jerry Ordway’s series is, I think, the only other time we see Cap not wearing his famous suit, but it happened enough in the Golden Age that it wasn’t a shock.

Like, I hate to be the one to say this, but I do think DC drops the ball often on just how much you can do with Captain Marvel (or Shazam, depending on timeline, but that’s the wizard’s name to me so mostly I’ll stick with the original name) if you unbend enough to.  It’s not just the costume change, or the duality of him and Billy being the same but not, but also his inherent, essential humanity.

But I am digressing again, sorry. XD  I just feel strongly enough about these versions of these characters to spend hours writing this.

Anyway, only a single panel later:

And that’s that!  Billy Batson has just outed his own alter-ego’s most embarrassing moment to whomever’s listening to WHIZ radio -- thank everything podcasts and the internet weren’t available then, ha! -- and we get to see a recounting of a very fun story.

Like I said earlier, I love this one for its essential humanity.  The hero got himself into this mess, he and Billy got him out of this mess, and stopping the criminals was actually just kind of a lucky stroke thrown in there.  But even though Cap got himself into this, the story never treats him like he’s stupid.  It never treats him like he’s some kind of idiot.  You’re laughing, but-- not in a mean way.

I love how human it is.  How complete it is.  How genuinely funny it is.  It’s a thousand times more funny when you genuinely love and respect Captain Marvel and Billy Batson, too.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this dissertation on a skinny-dipping hero.  LOL!  I enjoyed sharing it with you.

[kabookiii]

I would like to ask a question if you don’t mind omg 😭. So, I’m just a little confused on how much time they spent in the AU that Mikasa experienced. Was it really four years? Also, is this the same case with Armin in ch 139 when he’s talking with Eren and they start off as kids then end up hugging as adults? And in curious on Mikasa’s headaches. She’s been getting them since she was little. This means future Eren was sending her these headaches which were what, AU memories or? That’s what confuses me. Or was he just sending her headaches and she kept trying to suppress them? Sorry if this is so long lol

Hello anon-chan,

Thank you for your questions and I don't mind, I enjoy answering AOT questions ^^ These are my interpretations of events and to be honest there is no concrete real answer because Isayama left it open to interpretation so I am confused as well but I will share my personal thoughts. 

The time they spent together could be four years since those were the years Eren had left to live. At at the end of the memory/dream Mikasa sees, Eren appears to die of old age as he is showing titan marks (signs of an aging titan) on his face and she says “See you later Eren” as Eren closes his eyes which is the same phrase Eren remembers in chapter 1. 

I believe future Eren throughout the story wasn’t trying to send her AU memories but instead Eren was trying to keep Mikasa from remembering them. Throughout the manga, Eren went back in time and changed memories/events. Eren couldn’t wipe nor alter Mikasa’s memory because she is an Ackerman so he could only help suppress those memories which caused Mikasa to have headaches. Why would Eren want Mikasa to know that he wanted to run away with her when he tried so hard to keep her away? If anything my opinion is that Eren hoped she would know the truth like everyone else when he died and his titan powers ceased to exist so they wouldn’t suppress the memories anymore. The shock of Levi telling her that they have to kill Eren, Eren last words spoken to her being that he hated her and the fact that Eren had decided to become a monster was too much for Mikasa to process. I believe the build up of events  helped her overcome Eren suppressing her memories and her finally remembering. Mikasa wanted to make sense of the situation because nothing that was occurring made sense to her. Eren the boy she saw growing up couldn’t be so cruel so there had to be a reason why. Whether what she saw/remembered was a dream, alternate reality or AU memories what matters is that both she and Eren shared those memories together. Eren knew about that memory because he used his titan powers when he told her to forget about him as he wrapped the scarf around her in that memory. He probably kept using his titan powers to keep her from remembering. The biggest difference between those memories and the current reality is the choice Mikasa made. In the AU memory, Mikasa was the one that suggested they run away together. Her choice and her revealing her true feelings is what led for Eren and her to run away. 

However, in the current reality Mikasa had a different choice. 

Why was Mikasa’s choice so important? Well because if she decided to not kill Eren then she would fight against everyone to protect Eren even at the cost of her life. Since Mikasa chose to hide her feelings for Eren in the present then Eren knew that AU memory would not take place so the outcome would be different so Eren went ahead to fulfill his role. Eren did everything he could to keep Mikasa and Armin away to achieve his goal. 

The setting and age represented when Eren and Armin speak is more symbolic. Eren and Armin begin talking being children which represents the friendship they have shared since they were little kids. Eren is apologizing to Armin for what he did to him because he does value Armin’s friendship. Later Eren takes Armin to see lava because Armin always wanted to see the world- Eren will never be able to see the world with Armin so that is close as they will get to see the world together. When Armin and Eren talk and Eren has an emotional breakdown, he is wearing the same clothes/style he wore the day he told Mikasa that he hated her to represent that Eren is finally saying the truth of his feelings (what he truly wished he said that day) and it could be inferred that both of them being at the sea could represent the dream of freedom that they shared but Eren is giving it all up to save his friends- he decided to sacrifice himself. The final setting is them both seeing the destruction the rumbling caused and Armin comforting Eren for the tough choice he had to make. The different settings could also represent the journey they both traveled together and the end of their time together. 

[palmett-hoes]

Do you have any fan casts or strong takes/feelings on the foxes’ appearances? Fandom tends to use the same Pinterest models, which feels wrong to me.

i do in fact! i've actually been meaning to make a post about how i choose to write all of the foxes' ethnicities anyway

but yes i absolutely agree that the typical pinterest model types u generally see on edits is not how i see any of them. nor is reece king or froy gutierrez or lucky blue smith one of my FCs for anyone

for a lot of them i don't necessarily have a single specific FC so much as i have like,, a general impression of features that i will see on various different people, who all may look wildly different from each other or who may not even look how i see the character as a whole but do have a specific feature i associate with them. mostly it boils down to the Energy i get tbh and that's just a Feeling i cant even explain

fun fact im a tiny bit face blind so that might account for some of why i'm so all-over about this

may as well go chronologically. some of them i definitely have more thoughts on than others

1. Dan

ethnicity: Afro Native (Sioux)

features: medium dark skin. buzzcut, killer fade. she often styles it in waves. she's very butch, wears a lot of basketball and cargo shorts, tank tops and flannels and jerseys, hiking boots. skinny but muscular, with a very rectangular body shape. defined jaw. probably like 5'4 or 5'5

FC/Energy: sometimes i get some dan energy out of janelle monae but more butch. lotta dan energy out of samira wiley. lashana lynch

2. Kevin

ethnicity: a lot of things tbd, but he's pretty multi-ethnic. i like the idea of kayleigh being half- or a quarter-japanese in addition to irish because it gives her more of a reason to go to japan for her undergrad. wymack is from d.c. which is a majority black city for its actual residents, but i also like the idea of him being Pasifika/Hawaiian. HOWEVER - and this is pretty important to my read of kevin's character - he's white passing, and has been mostly treated as a white guy who tans his whole life, like occasionally asked if he's italian maybe. learning that his father was a Distinctly Not White Man was a big shock to him.

kristin kreuk, lindsay price, phoebe cates, and marie digby are all half-asian actresses i base kayleigh on

i suppose i base his story partially on broadway actress carol channing, who revealed publically that she was a quarter black when she was like 80 years old. though maybe wentworth miller, a biracial actor who knows his father is black but also doesn't know him, is more accurate to kevin's story. then keanu reeves is a white passing actor with asian ancestry

also none of these people look anything like how i picture kevin lol. kevin is just like,, a guy. handsome ig. but kind of in a CW character kind of way

actually

kevin looks exactly like young jason momoa

3. Andrew

ethnicity: kayin/karen from myanmar

features: fat and muscular, very wide and heavy. this blog is basically all andrew body type refs. medium-olive skin, has a bit of a greyish tinge that makes him look a bit eerie or unhealthy. deep set, droopy eyes; looks so tired. flat face with a low-bridged nose. crooked teeth, especially his canines. natural hair black-ish but he bleaches it light blond. has the beginnings of martial artist punching callouses in his knuckles

FC/Energy: holy shit the characters i feel have Andrew Energy are all over the place. pedro pascal. babe ruth (yes fr). oddjob (harold sakata) from goldfinger. the jinn (mousa kraish) from american gods. gaear grimsrud (peter stormare) from fargo. takeshi kovacs (joel kinnaman) from altered carbon. and i wanna be clear, it's these characters specifically, and generally NOT the actors outside of that specific role. except pedro ❤️

4. Matt

ethnicity: cuban

appearance: matt has more of an Energy than specific features to me rn. that energy is Warm. he has that Warm bro jock dude energy. kind of a marvel hero build, hunky and muscular. very rectangular face. has this haircut:

5. Aaron

i get to cut myself some slack and not go AS in depth about aaron because he and andrew are identical twins

ethnicity: kayin/karen from myanmar

appearance: similar build to andrew, less confident and casual posture and body language. less apathetically murderous and more emotive expressions. better teeth bc his mom took him to the dentist. yes also bleaches his hair

celebrities: probably a lot like the difference between the characters and the actors. andrew is the characters and aaron is how the actors actually look. idk ive never looked at someone and thought 'hey! looks like aaron!'

6. Seth

ethnicity: have been going with half-vietnamese. considering looking into various south asian possibilities like pakistani

appearance: string bean build. that's all i have to offer

7. Allison

ethnicity: allison's very up in the air for me. she and seth are the two foxes i feel fine with being white, but im committing to having no white foxes sooo. i would say i generally see her as either half-middle eastern or chinese

appearance: plus sized and hourglass shaped. heart shaped face. taller, like 5'8 or 5'9. she has a pretty fraught history with her appearance and her parents payed for/pressured her into getting a nose job to have a 'prettier' nose. she also bleaches her hair blonde. she gets it done at a salon tho the twinyards do it in their bathroom

FC/Energy: elle king and nadia aboulhosn are my main inspos for her, esp body type but nadia esp in Vibes

8. Nicky

ethnicity: multi-ethnic. his mother is southern mexican Indigenous, possibly oaxacan. his father is mixed white/kayin

appearance: definitely takes after his mother while his father is white passing. dark brown skin, warm undertones. slightly stocky build. tall ovular head and thin aquiline nose. he's kind of just,, the opposite of the twins ig, so like their facial features look very different, which is a big part of why people don't make the connection between him and the twins alongside the difference in their skin tones, heights, and builds. nicky's build and features are very vertically-oriented, with a tall head, narrow-set eyes, thin nose with a high bridge, etc. the twins are horizontally-orienged, with broad, flat faces, wide-set eyes, wide noses with a low bridge, etc.

FC/Energy: yalitza aparicio, not a guy but one of the few Mexican Indigenous stars in the film industry and i really like her features for nicky. she's oaxacan

9. Renee

ethnicity: Black. african american

appearance: plus sized, circular/apple body shape. round face. dark skin. microlocs to a bit past her chin, bleached white and dyed at the ends. she and allison go to the salon together. femme but plain style, a lot of blouses and long skirts, practical shoes. knuckle callouses. about 5'6

FC/Energy: dominique fishback. tracie thoms, esp in RENT. gabourey sidibe. nicole byer, but not in Energy. brandy, for some reason, probably bc i think she has very serene Energy and is a little bit otherworldly. like if brandy played arwen or galadriel from lotr it would make perfect sense to me, and that's the Renee Energy™️

10. Neil

ethnicity: mixed. Black/Jewish on both sides. his father is polish ashkenazi and afro-brazilian. his mother is Black British and algerian jewish

appearance: very... sharp. like sharp all over. does that make sense? sharp features, sharp face shape, sharp angles to his body. he's got what i vaguely think of as a 'basketball build' not meaning tall but meaning very rangy and angular and lean. all limbs. seth has a similar build. lighter brown skin. he has waardenburg syndrome which is actually where he gets he gets his eye color, and his eyes are very large and widely spaced as well. freckles freckles freckles. freckles everywhere. 4a hair but at least during canon it's not very healthy and thus the curls aren't well-defined. he grows it out long enough to tie back and starts taking better care of it in post-canon. wonky, slightly crooked teeth, with a gap between the fronts

FC/Energy: now neil i actually have a ton for. mostly models which im a lil ashamed of bc i do try to draw more from athletes. alton mason is a main body type ref. mugsy bogues is good to see what i mean about the basketball build without the height. here're the boys: cykeem white, luka sabbat, désiré mia, Leo Hoyte-Egan, dylan hasselbaink, this beautiful stock photo model i've never been able to track down

i think about him every. goddamn. day.

in terms of like,, real ppl and not models: corbin bleu, especially during Jump In. figure skater elladj balde. rayan "ray ray" lopez from mindless behavior. A$AP Rocky a lil bit, maybe i just like his hairstyle idk

two more models i think are important: carissa pinkston and ralph souffrant

[dimigex]

1, 6, 7, 39, 42 for the writer ask! 🤗

1. Things that inspire you? A lot of things, but mostly music. I often hear a song and think 'oh damn, that's perfect for x and y' or a person in general. I have so many playlists that it's not even funny, but it helps me. I also write feelings out, there are some scenes/stories that are extremely personal to me though you'd probably never know it. Also, the sound of rain and nature make it easier to shut things out and simply think, which makes writing easier

6. How did writing change you? Writing definitely allows me to explore things that I wouldn't in real life. It lets me get in other people's heads and envision what their life is like. In short, I guess it mostly made me more empathetic and open to things than the way I was raised

7. Early influences on your writing? Tolkien was influential as a reader, but the single most influential author would be hands down Robert Jordan. I started rereading The Wheel of Time series ages ago and was shocked at how often my wording or phrases were similar. The influence is clear. I even sent several screenshots to my beta lamenting the fact that I was a fraud as a writer haha

39. Do you want to be published some day? I would love to be published in theory. I have some original works, short stories and even a fic that's, I don't know, almost 100k words I think? But, I haven't worked on them in a while. I really should.

42. Do you plan or write whatever comes to mind? Both. Some stories have outlines and some just happened. Let me explain by story, but the tl;dr answer is I tend to just write whatever comes to mind

Altered Reality: This literally started with the opening scene, then I started thinking about how that scene could come to be. After a few chapters, I did sit down with my betas and make an outline. I screwed it up with the last chapter (oops). and only loosely follow it.

Fragile Strength: *nervous laughter* This story currently owns my soul and it's taking me on an adventure that wasn't even remotely planned. I'm as surprised as the next person when these things happen lol

Healing Hands: This story started with a scene in the middle and then I built around it. I was shocked at the stuff that happened in this story. That said, it was 75% written before I started posting. Now, I'm editing all the details in knowing where I'm going so it's kind of a mix.

Heart in a Silver Cage: This story is actually planned, but I'm really bad about following the outline, so, um, oops? But it has a chapter by chapter outline with wiggle room.

Losing Control: This story is a train wreck from start to finish. It is part of a series that has literally just been asking myself 'what if' over and over. I wrote the intro to Muddy Water while drunk one night, then asked what would happen if Sakura got pregnant and ended up with Flood and LC as an answer. And I'll be honest, I THINK I know where I'm going with this story, but I have no idea how to get there

Original Work: My main original work is completely plot less, this is probably why I don't work on it often enough. I don't know where I want it go, where it's going, or even where we've been lol

Thanks for the asks! If anyone else wants to send some asks, the list is here!

[liesfallaciesfabrications]

Mr. Queen Analysis

My take on the rather heartbreaking and vague ending of the KDrama, Mr. Queen.

  Okay, I’ve been thinking long and hard on this subject (way too much) and have come to the following consensus:

Bong-Hwan and So Yong are both versions of the same soul. What got me thinking about this was that scene in episode 5 where SoBong talks about original and past lives but then mentions parallel time-streams. To illustrate, she draws two lines running side by side and explains how a past life can be in one and the original/current being in the other. This had me stumped a bit, and I thought it a bit random that they put that in there, but then I looked up “reincarnation and parallel lives” and there’s a surprising number of articles on it - though obviously not conclusive or scientific as it involves spirituality. 

Episode 5 also explains why time in the present is flowing at the same rate as the past, which we discovered when BH’s consciousness briefly reentered his body and explain why they chose to reveal that fact. Time isn’t linear here but more fluid with both versions existing simultaneously - harkening back to the two lines Mr. Queen drew to illustrate.

The reincarnation theory would explain many of the elements of the story that I found hard to accept. For example:

If So Yong’s separate soul was in there with Bong Hwan’s soul then why did he never feel her? In fact, the show repeatedly makes reference to the idea that Bong Hwan does not feel another soul and attributes characteristics of SY to the body (telling her after the kiss that the soul is in control of the body so she ought to behave and in another scene he tries to get her soul to return by addressing the lake - where he believes she is hiding).  The only time he accuses her of being a separate entity inside of him is when he wants an excuse for his feelings and reactions to CJ. The “it must have been her that took control. If I knew it was CJ I would have....still enjoyed it?!? What’s wrong with me?” moments. LOL What if the reason he couldn’t feel another presence was because there wasn’t another? He merely had his consciousness wake up in the body of his past life but didn’t realize it.

It would explain the gradual integration of both personalities. For example, when CJ returns the book to Mr. Queen, she never thinks of herself as NOT being the girl from the well as she did when he first confesses his love for her at the lake. As BH spends more time in her previous body, the lines become more blurred not just in memory but also in identity because he IS her. If they were two separate souls, I don’t think she would have that same reaction nor do I see anything to indicate that So Yong “took over” in that moment or any other. Memories were accessed, personality traits were mingling, but we saw SY come out in episode 20...that personality was immediately recognizable. Fantastic acting by SHS - especially as she had me loving the one and hating the other, despite being both.

It would explain why Mr. Queen falls for CJ so hard, despite his initial protests. I never liked the idea of his feelings being manipulated, but I can get on board with the idea that he accepts his feelings for CJ because this is a man that some part of him has always loved - and falls in love with “again” through their shared experiences and journey.

It would also explain the question of why Bong Hwan. What was the connection between this man and So Yong? They are reincarnations of each other. When So Yong was feeling hopeless and needed strength, she pulled upon her stronger version of herself to help her - made possible in that moment when she desperately wanted to give up on life and he desperately wanted to live. She came to him in that pool and appeared to the queen again when she was looking for answers in the lake. This does not give the impression of a soul cruelly imprisoned in her own body against her will. 

It would also explain why, when Bong Hwan briefly went back to his body, So Yong did not reappear. She wasn’t being suppressed. She purposefully had her reincarnated self come to give her strength and was not ready at that time to assume her life again. I found her choice of words at Byeong-In’s grave to to be telling. She said he always knew where to find her whenever she was hiding. It’s also why I believe BI didn’t realize Mr. Queen wasn’t SY - for the same reason CJ doesn’t at the end of the drama. These two men, both of whom deeply love her, could sense it was her, just in reverse order. CJ-SB-SY and BI-SY-SB.

It would also solve the pesky issue of why BH is an overall better person - not just at the moment of his return but before. Someone on Reddit mentioned the implausibility of CJ’s political accomplishments causing a ripple effect to change BH, and I agree. However, if we look at BH as SY’s reincarnation, then the positive attributes he now displays in the altered timeline can be accounted for because he prevented his previous incarnation from killing herself, therefore in his next lifetime his soul didn’t carry those grudges. This fits with the idea of reincarnation as a person’s life experiences and emotions/grudges/regrets/mindset at death will determine the psychological and even physical manifestation of their next life. 

SY was told by evil Kim that she had no power b/c she was a woman - next life is a man. 

SY had her love cruelly rejected - next life is a playboy who doesn’t seem to believe in love. 

SY felt that she was living a lie - next life is a man who doesn’t care who he offends with his opinion and does what he wants when he wants - to the point of selfishness - though this changes when he prevents many of these resentments by his actions in the past. 

Finally, it would explain why CJ is so “oblivious” at end of the show. He promised when he returned the book to SB that he would never fail to recognize her, and he doesn’t. While her personality has changed, it’s intrinsically also the same person, though this is the area I felt the writers dropped the ball in execution, but I get that they were pressed for time. The implications of this aspect also seem to be what KJH meant in his comment to a fan’s question of whether the king knew that BH had left.That it didn’t matter: SY or BH didn’t matter, only how CJ saw her.

So why send BH back? I believe they did it because it wouldn't make sense for him to live a life he essentially already lived as SY. Reincarnation is meant to be for a soul to grow and spiritually evolve, which it could not do by simply repeating what it had already done. Also, for some reason (I suspect so as not to offend Koreans by skipping over one of the most prominent historical figures in their culture - Queen Min), they still have CJ dying at age 32. This can be seen in the book BH is looking at when he's seeing his portrait, and is mentioned as early as episode 1. This was never going to be a happy ending for CJ/BH in the sense that many viewers wanted. Rather, he was going to facilitate the relationship of SY/CJ so that his previous life could run its course...ugh, I feel sick typing that out...with the hope that they meet again in another lifetime. Our SB is many things but trapped in Joseon without modern medicine, a miracle worker she is not. CJ dies without any heirs; his baby with the queen dies at just six months. If the BH decided to stay for love and then lost the baby and CJ, that would be just as heartbreaking for me as the ending I received. 

Wiki and other sources speculate the CJ was poisoned by the Andong Kims, but many historians (including Bong Hwan’s mother, it seems) dispute that fact as it would serve no purpose since he was a puppet king and since his death then allowed the Jo family to briefly take control until King Gojong’s father pretty much crushed both the Kims and the Jos. In reality, he probably died of unhealthy habits and a life of excess. In the show’s world, who knows...cancer or any number of possible illnesses that could not be treated at that time. During the banquet planning, we see CJ suffer a nosebleed. In the spinoff, Mr. Queen mentions how CJ is trying hard not to collapse from the strain of his burdens. These could be hints left by writers to indicate that CJ’s health has been compromised by the grueling struggles and stress he’s had to endure, not to mention allowing himself to get blown up.

They writers did give us the hope for another reunion - perhaps in BH’s lifetime or perhaps another one. It’s why I think they tried to imply a SY/CJ connection in the Bamboo Forest prequel (the only prequel in the spinoff) as well as end Bamboo Forest with a reincarnation wish. The setup seemed quite intentional and in specific order. The prequel created a sense of destiny. The next segment was about Mr. Queen confirming if it was just his body or his soul that was attracted to CJ...literally the words out of the character’s mouth...and they gave an answer to that with the last shot. The final segment introduced the wish for CJ to meet his queen again, and he is clearly thinking of Mr. Queen - so why the prequel, which would seem to introduce a separate love interest, unless it’s actually not because they’re one and the same with the middle segment emphasizing the genuine attraction and love for each other.

This might not be everyone’s cup of tea; it certainly wasn’t mine, and I think the writers should have handled the leaving better instead of going for an quasi mind-wipe of all the characters’ remembrances of Mr. Queen. I mean, CJ went from being horrified at Mr. Queen acting like a perfect little queen for a few seconds a mere handful of episodes ago to just asking "why the formality" at a more permanent display of temperament and seemed practically oblivious otherwise. Then Choi and Yeon were "shocked" when So Yong didn't revert to her witch of the palace act and chastise the maids that were laughing by the pond - as if Mr. Queen didn't already change that way of thinking months ago. Not to mention that they were also nonplussed by the fact that their relationship to the queen had gone from being regarded as family back to a servant/master status quo. Even with the soulmate angle, there was to much deus ex machina thrown in. The idea of soul mates is a romantic one, but the execution of it fell through.

They should have never gone with the reincarnation route, especially if they were never intending to let SY have a true voice in the drama, even if it’s just a final conversation between herself and BH before he leaves, made possible in that split second before true separation. Viewers never got to bond with her, and in those moments we did see her, she was either a watered down version of the personality we were emotionally invested in or emphasized the opposite characteristics (demure, feminine, etc...) that we loved Mr. Queen for rejecting. Also, this angle gives us no true feeling of completeness and satisfaction. SY is with CJ in the past - we won't see them develop their feelings for each other and grow to like them as a couple. BH is in the present but who knows if he'll find CJ's reborn soul and happiness with whoever it is. Promises without fulfillment demand too much from the audience to fill in the blanks. If that's the case, next time just give us a tag line and tell the audience to imagine the rest.

Even if they share the same soul, we are given two distinct personalities and not enough connection between them in terms of their recognizing each other, acknowledging their feelings for CJ to each other in some sort of passing the flame moment that would make it feel more homogeneous and prevent feelings of resentment at what we perceive as an injustice to a personality we adore.

Instead of creating an emotional divide between the two, they should have just have SY die before BH's soul enters, and develop the romance between CJ and HB's as the novel and even that cheap and campy Chinese version did. Having SY there just muddied the waters, and became a distraction and an excuse for every emotional milestone Mr. Queen experienced, negating that character's development and laying it at SY's feet or claims of deliberate interference.

They should have chosen a fictional king and not boxed themselves into a limited outcome. Granted, it gave them a valid reason for booting BH back to present times, but look at the result: limited number of years with someone the audience isn't really familiar with for our beloved ML (plus their baby dies) and a huge question mark for our F-turned back into ML in the present with the hope that maybe the reincarnation thing works in his favor but who knows because they couldn't even toss us that small crumb which would have alleviated some of our heartache for BH as well as give more credence to the fact that SY/BH are the same and thereby lessened the feelings of resentment to the SY character as well. Or they could have gone with a multiverse theory and left it wide open as to what sweeping changes would occur. BH being initially thrown back to the Joseon era as a result of his dying would have achieved that because then the audience would have no reason to revisit the present nor see that the worlds were linked via changes upon his return and stuck with the poisoning threat averted. Blow recorded history to smithereens and leave that to our imagination instead.

Yes, the fish-out-of-water hijinks were great fun, but the completion of the character arcs/relationship/etc...shouldn’t be an afterthought. 

The other element I would have liked to have seen that was in neither of the televised versions (though the Chinese one came very, very close) but was in the web novel is the king fully accepting that his wife is not the woman she was, believing that her previous body was a man, falling in love regardless and she with him. However, I think we all knew that wasn’t going to happen in a kdrama. 

[spidercakes]

Have a high school ABO AU featuring Tony as heir to the mob boss throne because I feel like throwing like... every trope together lol. Also he’s got Maria’s last name because Howard is cancelled and I refuse to interact.

*

The first time he sees Peter Tony knows he's new. This school is exclusive and most people who go here have known each other forever in and out of school. So new people are rare, last one was that skinny girl who’s actually really good at math and has a weird thing for drawing people in detention and that was last year. He assumes she’s on some type of scholarship and that’s probably the same for the new guy.

“Who’s that?” he asks, drawing attention away from Hope and Natasha arguing over the easiest way to kill someone with a pushpin. Rhodey looks mildly relieved at the change in subject and Pepper looks bored but that’s not unusual.

“Peter Parker,” Natasha says, unsurprisingly the one with the information. “Scholarship, actually really smart and cute too, if you like that kind of thing.”

Tony looks him over, noting that he’s managed to alter his uniform slightly to fit his lithe frame better and yeah, he definitely likes that kind of thing.

*

Peter knows right away that its unusual for Tony Carbonell to take an interest in people because people keep staring at him about it. He also figures out pretty much right away that Tony is used to getting what he wants so it surprises him when Peter turns him down. It also seems to surprise everyone else- freaks them out too and he doesn’t get it because Tony is actually really nice so he doesn’t really get why people seem to fear him.

“You know who that is, right?” someone asks, sitting beside him and Peter knows her name, he knows he does but its not coming to mind right now... “MJ,” she says, picking up on his thoughts. “And you’re Peter Parker, the adorable little omega who was either brave enough or stupid enough to turn down Tony Carbonell.”

“Is that supposed to mean something?” he asks, figuring maybe she might have information as to why people keep looking at him like that.

She snorts, “what, have you never heard of the Carbonells? Clearly you’re not from New York,” she says and oh.

Oh.

MJ snorts and starts laughing, “oh man, you didn’t even realize I’m so excited that I won this bet,” she says, shaking her head.

“Bet?” Peter asks, frowning.

“Yeah. van Dyne thought you were just dumb but I figured you either didn’t know or didn’t make the connection. Guess I won.”

Didn’t make- yeah, no shit he didn’t make the connection between Tony and the fucking mob just because the guy is Italian doesn’t mean he’s in a damn mob but apparently this time he lives up to stereotypes. “He didn’t take it that badly,” Peter points out.

“Yeah, because you didn’t mean it. Playing hard to get, probably smart when Tony gets whatever he asks for. The or else is usually implied.”

So he’s noticed. “He doesn’t seem the type to be um... well, useful in a mob,” he says, wincing a little. He’s too nice is what he means.

MJ shakes her head, “oh, he’s got a mean streak a mile wide its just that he saves it for people he hates or people who’ve crossed him. Doesn’t much waste abusing his power on little shit but you don’t want to be on his bad side, trust me.”

He looks over to Tony, who’s sitting across the library talking animatedly with Rhodey about something and Peter is willing to bet they’re arguing about some Star Wars fan theory they disagree on. Its been their topic of choice for the last week or so since they both decided the other interpreted things all wrong. Tony spots him looking and grins, confidence high on his features and Peter has to admit that that’s attractive but it comes with the problem of a little arrogance. He’s used to getting what he wants and he’s got a reputation that Peter isn’t ignorant to either. He’s not about to be used and tossed aside by some pretty rich alpha just because Tony is accustomed to things going in his favor.

“What else do you know about him?” Peter asks.

*

Peter allows Tony to press him into the wall, hands at his waist as he kisses Peter softly. He settles his arms around Tony’s shoulder’s lightly as Tony kisses him soft and sweet. He’s clearly practiced at it too, knowing just how to tease Peter right.

He does pull away after a few moments though, earning a soft noise of disapproval from Tony about it. “Baby,” Tony murmurs, trying to pull him back in but Peter only half allows it.

“This is nice, but you’re not really my... type,” he says, waving a hand a little.

Tony looks baffled and its kind of funny. “Not your type? I’m everyone’s type,” he says.

Yeah, he kind of is but that’s not the point here. “Mm, yeah you’re cute but I don’t really do playboy types,” he says, shrugging. He goes to extract himself from Tony’s grasp but Tony pulls him back so his back is flush to Tony’s chest. He leans in and noses at Peter’s neck, which might piss him off if not for the fact that he genuinely has an interest in Tony. He whimpers a little, tilting his head to the side to give Tony better access as he kisses Peter’s neck softly.

“I can do commitment,” he murmurs, hands on his hips tightening a little as Peter gasps, back arching as Tony’s teeth graze over a sensitive spot. One of Tony’s hands slips lower, teasing at the edge of his skirt before he curls his hand around Peter’s leg, running it up the inside of his thigh.

He whimpers again, panting a little and Tony laughs softly. “Come to my room?” he asks and Peter nods.

*

Yeah, he knows everyone is surprised because the whole school seems to be confused with Tony’s sudden enamored nature when it comes to him. Peter’s surprised about it too, kind of thought Tony would ignore him after they slept together and honestly he’s dumb to have fell for that to begin with. But Tony didn’t toss him aside- instead he basically attached himself to Peter’s hip.

He’s perched next to Tony at the table in the cafeteria, his arm around Peter’s waist as he glares at someone from across the way. The poor bastard goes pale and looks in literally any other direction because MJ hadn’t been kidding about Tony’s mean streak. Peter sighs and settles a hand on Tony’s thigh, “calm down, baby,” he murmurs.

Tony doesn’t say anything about it though, just pulls him closer like that’ll further establish their relationship. Peter’s pretty sure Tony’s territorial nature and the sheer amount hickies he’s had a hard time covering up probably did that for him. “Should come home with me over winter break, meet my mom,” he says and Rhodey’s eyes nearly bug out of his head. Pepper looks more composed, if only barely given that she looks shocked too as her salad falls off her fork.

MJ grins at him from across the table, nodding her head at him like he’s accomplished something impressive. “Maybe, depends on how my family stuff goes,” he tells Tony, playing aloof because apparently that’s all it took to get his attention and Peter kind of likes playing hard to get. He likes that he can act a little disinterested and Tony will fall over himself trying to get his attention, its a weird brand of power that he finds fun to toy with.

“You want him to meet your mother?” Rhodey asks, shocked.

“You’ve met her too, platypus, no need to be jealous,” Tony quips and Peter snorts, covering his mouth as he laughs.

Rhodey rolls his eyes, “yeah, but we aren’t dating. Contrary to what Maria thought.”

Tony grins, “she never actually thought we were dating, she just liked you enough to try and encourage it. Clearly didn’t work. She’ll love you though,” he tells Peter, brown eyes warm with affection and something akin to love that makes Peter’s heart melt a little.

“Mhm, I’ll let you know if I can make it,” he tells Tony, delighting in the way Tony immediately tries to sweeten the deal just to bring him a little closer. Maybe MJ hadn’t been wrong about dating someone who has mob connections being a pretty sweet perk.

[boomjohnny]

i like that dummy. Like crazy. You can’t even imagine, dude. [sequel]

*this is pt 1, pls read that before this one if u haven’t!

**sorry this took 5 years also y’all are seniors in this dont worry they arent like freshman or sophomores and like thirsty like that lol

pairing - jock!jaehyun x fem!reader

word count - 2.3k

genre - soft sheep fluff, if u squint i guess it’s might be suggestive at one part(?)

[ 10:32 A.M ]  To say that the first minute of the walk outside with Jaehyun was not awkward as hell would be a horrible, horrible lie. Your eyes seemed to dart everywhere but the jock next to you, who stayed surprisingly silent. You wonder if this was a joke; some sick bet that the basketball team set him up to. 

They were infamous for their ruthless pranks, with their victims ranging from babies fresh from middle school to the most ancient of teachers. You shudder at a junior year memory of seeing Mr. Dong’s boxers for the first time.

Yeah, they pantsed him not once, not twice, but three times before the poor guy ran out screaming.

You remember Jaehyun laughing and doing stupid handshakes with his friends when they found out he resigned the next day. Your feet pull to a halt.

Is he going to laugh at you like that too?

A pair of weathered checker Vans appear in front of your hi-tops. “What’s wrong? Are you actually sick?” 

The concern in his voice was even more concerning for you. This wasn’t what you expected. You inhale sharply, before looking him in the eye.

“I should be asking you that! Did you take some mind altering drug this morning? How can you-” You grab the crumpled confession from your pocket and fling it at his chest. It falls limply between the two of you.  “-throw this thing at me?”

“I mean, I’ve been throwing things at you all year,” He says coolly, picking the ball up. “You just happened to finally open one. Pity you didn’t catch my paper planes. Those had little hearts on it. Or my paper cranes, those had-”

“It isn’t funny, you know.”

Jaehyun puts his hands in his pockets. “What isn’t?”

“Playing with other people’s feelings,” You bite the inside of your cheek. “I know you and your little basketball team think it’s the fucking BALLS to make other people feel like shit and I don’t know what stupid bet this was, but-”

“So you’re sad about it?”

“…what?”

“You’re sad at the possibility that I might not like you?” He takes a step closer. “That this all might just be a bet?”

“I-”

With one firm tug on your wrist, he pulls you closer. His breath feels warm on your forehead. Your heart pounds so hard in your chest you wouldn’t be surprised if it just pops out onto the floor.

“Well, you’re wrong.” His arm snakes around your waist so suddenly and so firmly that you wonder if you’ll go into cardiac arrest. “This isn’t a bet.”

You’re so close to him now you can see the little snow-like freckles on his nose from summer. The warmth around your waist feels electrifying.

“Jaehyun, what-”

“I said it in the letter, said it in class and I’ll say it again. I like you, Y/N. And I like you a lot. And I also get the feeling that-” He gives you a shit eating grin. “-you feel the same way.”

“…maybe.” You mumble, eyes fixated on a piece of lint on the ground.

“Maybe?” He grabs your chin so you’re facing him. “You gonna break my heart, Y/N?”

You see yourself in his eyes, and for a moment, you wonder if he can see himself in yours.

“Jaehyun…” Your start, but inaudible words come out of your lips again. Jaehyun puts a teasing hand up to his ear and lean over.

“I can’t hear you, Y/N. Speak loud-”

“-okay you know what, fuck it-” You inhale sharply. “-you’re too CLOSE, Jaehyun. I CAN’T THINK PROPERLY BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO CLOSE TO ME AND MY HEART IS BEATING TOO FAST.” 

Your face feels hot and you’re certain you look like a tomato again. You look away, the cringe from the words that came out of your mouth sinking in.

WHY DID I SAY THAT? ARE WE IN WATTPAD? WHAT WAS THAT, Y/N? You internally scream at yourself, wondering why he wasn’t saying anything.

There’s a pause where the warmth around your waist disappears. An unconscious pout appears on your lips from the absence of his touch, an action that he most definitely notices. 

“That was a good enough answer for me, ma'am.”

And suddenly, your back is against the lockers with Jung Jaehyun’s lips on yours.

He tastes like the pink lemonade from the cafeteria, a little too sweet, a little too artificial, but you don’t feel yourself pulling away anytime soon. His arm finds its way around your waist again and his fingers draw soft circles down the small of your back. Your hands go down from his hair to his neck when he brings your body even closer. It’s only when you nibble on his lower lip that he pulls away, his cheeks dusted a very warm pink. For a moment, it seems like he’s going to kiss you again, but instead he takes a step back and turns around.

As he fixes his hair, the tips of his ears peek out of his locks. They’re scarlet red like syrup on shaved ice. 

How cute.

You don’t think you’ve ever seen Jaehyun blush before - or embarrassed, for that matter. To be frank, you wondered if that was even possible, since his smug face seemed to be the only thing he ever wore when he strode down the school hallways during lunch or when he sat at your dining table during neighbourhood parties.

“Where did you…” He says slowly, lips slightly red and swollen. “Where did you learn that?”

“Learn what?” You say innocently, slightly proud of yourself for making The Jung Jaehyun flustered for once. 

“You’re a good kisser Y/N,” He shakes his head, taking a step towards you again. “So who have you been kissing?”

A surge of confidence flows through you from the compliment. 

“Sorry Jaehyun but-” You smirk up at him. “-I don’t kiss and tell.”

He raises an eyebrow, inching in again and placing hand next to your head, trapping you. You look at his lips and back at him again, with a gaze that almost dared him to come to you again, almost challenged him to capture your lips in his again and not pull away so fast this time. 

“Y/N,” He growled under his breath. His eyes suddenly looked very hungry. “If we weren’t in school I swear-”

As if it knew that words that were not fit for a school were at the tip of Jaehyun’s tongue, the bell rang. Students poured out of classrooms, some groaning about their classes, some excitedly talking about the weekend, some looking like plain zombies who lost their taste for human brains. 

You saw Doyoung come out of a hallway with Mark and Yuta who, although you thought you were quick enough to push Jaehyun away without anyone seeing, were quite sharp. 

“Well…I guess I’ll go to Chem now.” You clear your throat, slinging your bag (fell off your back when you were making out) over your shoulder.

 As you start to walk away to catch up with Doyoung (who walked past the two of you secretly with a devilish smile), Jaehyun catches your wrist again, in an almost panicked way that a child might do when their parents leave them at a kindergarten for the first time. 

“Wait! Uh…will I see you again today?”

You look at his wrist, smiling. “If you want to.”

His grip relaxes, and he puts his hands in his pockets again. “Today, 6:30 at the quad?”

“So late?”

“Why? Think you’ll miss me too much?”

You roll your eyes, turning away again.

“Just joking, just joking,” He pulls you back. “I have practice. Oh! You could come watch if you want. Straight after school, at the courts. You know, I’m known to be pretty sexy when I play basketball. Sweaty, glistening, sometimes my shirt comes up-”

You put a hand in front of his face, covering his dumb wiggling eyebrows.

“Sure, sure I’ll come,” You wave a hand as you begin walking away. He doesn’t stop you again but instead his dimples go back on full display. “I’ll probably be watching Taeyong though, he’s really handsome-”

The second bell rings, the only people left in the hallway are the two of you, an amused Doyoung and Yuta and Mark who are eavesdropping at the back.

“Y/N!”

You run before he can catch you again, and stop hastily when you reach Doyoung at the end of the hallway. The look he’s giving you makes you want to punch him. 

“Did. I. Not. Tell. You. That. Boy. Likes. You.” He says, each time he claps after a word making you groan more. ‘What. Did. I. Say. You. Clown.”

“Yes, yes, you were right.” You sigh as the two of you enter the class and settle down in your lab seats. 

“So, what happened exactly?” 

“Well,” Your hand stops shuffling your backpack for your textbook. The image of Jaehyun pinning you to the lockers flashes in your mind, his hand on your waist… “Nothing much.” You say, rather unconvincingly.

“Boo, don’t lie,” Doyoung says, flicking on his horn-rimmed glasses when the teacher begins to give a rather boring presentation on acids. “It was a trick question, I saw y’all nasty asses kissing.”

“How did you-”

“When I told you that you were lewd, I didn’t mean to act on it! And to think! In this holy educational institute, where a fourteen year old freshman baby could’ve seen, y’all nasties were-”

“DOYOUNG!” 

Suddenly, the class is quiet, and the teacher, a very weathered man who was apparently a retired scientist called Mr. Yang casted you a very offended glance. You can see Doyoung trying his best not to laugh and you pinch him on the leg.

“Is there a problem, Y/N? Or rather-” His eyes narrow on Doyoung, who was now biting his cheek to prevent a smile. “-a problem with Doyoung? Do you want me to move you?”

“No, no. Ah Doyoung was just-” You peek quickly at the presentation behind him. “-telling me a fun fact about hydronium! It was so shocking, I couldn’t hold back… Yes, I could not. Sorry about that, sir.”

Though unconvinced, he let out a grunt and continued on, the class going back to normal. You let out a deep breath and tried to focus on the moving dots on the screen that were supposed to be particles. 

“You know, I was lying earlier. I only saw the two of you talking. But wow. Did you actually kiss him? Was he good? Did he do tongue?”

You bite your lip to stop another shout from erupting from your lips. Something told you this time Mr. Yang would kick you out for the rest of the year if you interrupted him again.

You resorted stepping on Doyoung’s foot very, very hard.

- and back to somewhere not so far away, in the past -

“Y/N!” Jaehyun shouts, a smile on his lips at the girl’s retreating figure. He shook his head, still in a slight daze from what just happened. However, he had no time to recover as two slaps on his back and a very loud “DUDE” sounded in his ear.

“MARK! You scared me, oh my god,” Jaehyun says, rubbing his ear as Yuta slings his arm around his shoulder.

“So,” Yuta says, exchanging mischievous grins with Mark. “how was the nurse’s office?”

“Huh?” Jaehyun says in confusion, before retracting almost immediately. ���OH! Yeah, you know…Y/N put some ice to her forehead…”

A snort came from Yuta and Mark started giddy laughing like he inhaled some helium gas. 

“STOP LYING, DUDE. We saw you, alright? Acting all mushy by the lockers and looking into each other’s eyes like you were Romeo and Juliet or something.” 

“What the-weren’t you in class?”

Yuta rolled his eyes. “Do you really think we would actually do self-study? You have severely underestimated us, Jeffrey.”

The three of them began walking towards the courts for P.E. It was Jaehyun’s favourite subject but the only thing that he thought about the entire time was you. Your awkward but adorable confession, your flushed cheeks when he confessed to you, the feeling of your lips against his… 

For the first time in his four years of high school, his P.E classmates found him utterly useless during a game of sports.

“Is something wrong with Jeffrey today?” Someone said from the showers after the lesson as Jaehyun was changing his shirt. 

“I’m fine!” He shouted back, even though he wasn’t really. Very soon he would be going back to the courts but there would be one small difference. You would be there, watching him, and something about that got his heart pounding very hard, indeed. 

“Yeah, right.” Someone else chimed in, also from the showers. “Jaehyun’s got himself a girlfriend.” 

“Yeah they were smooching-” 

“Yuta, Mark, if you don’t want to run ten laps, you’ll shut up now,” Jaehyun says, quickly swiping on some cologne on his wrist. Taeyong, the basketball team’s forward raised an eyebrow at this. 

“Cologne? Jaehyun do you actually-”

Jaehyun was too engrossed in shoving his stuff into his Superdry as quick as possible to notice Taeyong had been talking to him. It was only when the bag was over his shoulder that Jaehyun turned to him, with a look that Taeyong could only describe as determination.

“Taeyong, bro, if a crazy girl wearing a denim skirt and red hi-tops stares at you later during practice, tell her to back off, and that she needs to stop looking at you, okay?”

Jaehyun pats the older boy’s shoulder and begins to walk away, a spring already forming in his step at the thought of seeing you.

Taeyong blinks. “What? Who’s that?”

“Some dummy who made me miss class. But you know what?”  

He turns back again, a twinkle in his eyes.

“I like that dummy. Like crazy. You can’t even imagine, dude.”

fin.