#also ive just called my sister to discuss this w her and she has no memory of the ear cleaning thing in anne of green gables did i dream

[pancakehouse]

hi um do you guys also have a couple random throwaway bits of books or other media you think about regularly just going about your everyday lives .. like there’s a small recurring bit in anne of green gables where she’s never properly cleaning the dirt from behind her ears when she bathes and she’s always getting scolded for it and every day when i shower im like rlly making sure to get in there aggressively scrubbing behind mine when id have never thought twice about it otherwise you know! and also when im driving and pass a cop car and i slam on the breaks even when im not speeding i think of the line in twilight where bella’s like ‘nothing slows down traffic like a cop’ and think . wow … she was so real for that…

[theropoda]

...... i have. PRAWBLEMS. with the ending but honestly i felt very unwell and gross rn so i had difficulty focusing in the first place, maybe if i watch it again when i feel better ill feel different. under read more bc this got long lol

disclaimer before anyone GETS at me: i am not a critic. im literally just some guy watching a tv show, and i am really more confused than anything so if you really enjoyed the finale and feel like it was the perfect way for the show to end im happy for you! i don't have any intent on arguing it Absolutely Wasn't. this isn't a Hatepost. just me airing my thoughts. that are probably really incoherent bc again, i feel unwell ;_; brain is more focused on my stomach than this damn show

i knew how this was gonna end, i did watch the end of this show before, ive always been familiar w house because i watched episodes of it on tv as a kid with my mom and sister and knew major plot points like amber's death and wilson's cancer and house faking his death and everything but. the details were lost on me. now that i know the details something about them just doesn't jive with me and feel right.

probably related to my earlier post about how even in the final season so much of house is the same. he tried to change for the better but he was still back. i mean the entire premise of the show is about "the disabled addict doctor who struggles to be a person" so if any of these magically stopped being there that'd be stupid ESPECIALLY him being a disabled addict which are so central to his character. so im definitely not complaining about that.

initially i thought him faking his death was insanely reckless but what other choice was available. if he went, Hey, im here! im alive he'd absolutely be going to jail. in jail so far away while his best friend, maybe his only friend would be dying alone. of course he did that. his only choice was ttofake his death to be with wilson. throwing away his whole life and legacy and career and reputation to be with him.

hilson endgame real but also, while watching the whole show i kept going from "tumblr didn't lie these guys are gay" to "Tumblr may have oversold it a bit". but that might just be in the nature of its episodic structure. not e everything is abt wilson there's other people in house's lofe but in that final season everything does speed up, suddenly and become about wilson. which brings me to the whole cancer thing. in my memory of the show from watching it as a kid, Wilson's cancer came up as a plot point WAY earlier and there is much more time to discuss it in the show. to ponder and delve into it, what it means for wilson, for house, for the show. but actually watching the show it feels very sudden....! i felt like the entire cancer thing, which plays so damn heavily into the SERIES FINALE, wasn't explored enough...? it felt rushed. but it might feel like it because well there's a difference between watching a show as it comes out on a schedule vs binge watching it on demand.

and another thing that irked me is- but this is more of a "this personally makes me Feel Sad and Weird" as opposed to genuine criticism is how EVERYONE thinks house is dead except Two People. that's crazy. i have a Thing for closure and knowing things, the truth, im a little paranoid about that, but it just feels insane to me that house's own parents, family, former and current colleges, lovers, everyone... they all think he's dead when he's not. i see how that is, in terms of the Narrative, a good thing? house is truly FREE now. and if other people knew they'd probably call the police. but also that's just kinda horrifying.... I don't know. idk. also wtf cuddy wasn't there at the funeral? D: obviously i know how their last meeting went but they were such big part of each other's lives im rlly shocked she wasn't there! or even showed up at ALL in the ending scene where we see where everyone's life has headed, a little scene of her, Rachel, and someone new

and also. ._. how did that fire even start in the first place?..... did i miss something....? uaaaaah. i should watch it again

ugh but despite my peeves. i want to pass this off as Just another show ive watched, time to move on to the next, because a big part of the reason i started house and kept going and even chose to watch it at the times i did was because i have been going through some rough shit mentally for the past. entire year plus. i have relied on it to keep me distracted. i want to just move onto the next distraction but i have become so attached, it's hard to not feel :/ and :( about 1) the fact it's over now 2) it ended in a way that makes me feel funny, and not in a good way. aaaahhhhh.

[ilovenir]

sorry, a few things regarding your analysis on vi’s morality kinda confused me. (i hope you dont mind! ive never rlly participated in tumblr discussion threads before, this is just a rlly interesting and well-written thread and i wanted to give my two cents xx!)

Starting off with something minor— i dont rlly see why vi attacking sevika is questionable morally while jinx bombing the entire council is not?/gen both were done in situations where the receiving side was not expecting an attack. im in no way tryna demonize jinx’s actions but i think its also worth mentioning if we’re strictly going by that moral compass- the council didnt rlly have any way to defend themselves from jinx’s attack, while sevika was able to do a lot more than just defend herself. sure one could argue that the council isn’t comparable to sevika, an individual, but sevika also helps enforce silco’s power over zaun so i feel like its not that unfair of a comparison (in the sense that the sisters r justified in feeling anger towards them). if you mentioned somewhere in ur thread that you do think jinx’x actions are morally dubious on a similar wavelength then mb! from what i gathered i just think that it isnt fair to solely find flaw in vi with a moral standard in a thread to show why jinx has done no wrong, when i feel that same moral standard could also apply critically to what jinx has done.

and this is probably just something we could agree to disagree on, but i dont know if i could call vi selfish for wanting to reconcile with her sister after her release from prison :( like i mean vi only went to her after jinx openly let her know that she wanted to see her (using that blue smoke flare gun), but also just in general i dont know if it would rlly make more sense for vi to come out of prison after 7ish years and think that her sister wouldnt want for them to be,, i dunno, sisters who aren’t separated by a horrible misunderstanding and several unfortunate circumstances. i know they parted (or were parted) horribly, with vi saying a lot of hurtful things whether she rlly meant them or not— but they love each other, personally for me vi self-assuming that jinx wouldnt want to make amends and not putting what effort she can muster into, or giving up on letting jinx know that shes sorry and that she still loves her just feels a little more cold. i think jinx has also shown multiple signs through the season that she wants vi to stay with her. and that she missed her.

i do agree that vi most likely does want to do something about the guilt that probably constantly haunts her. then again, im still not sure if i would say that the guilt is entirely proportional to the actual fault in what she did as a traumatized teenager or what she couldnt do for her loved ones while in prison— but this is an entirely different discussion, the reason i brought it up is bc i dont think the main reason vi is trying to reconcile with jinx is bc of her guilt or bc she wants to forget abt the past, its bc she just,,, loves her as a sister. she sees her little sis hurting really, really bad— so she wants to comfort her, give her things to ground herself with (which leads to.. mixed results, imo mostly bc they havent rlly had the time or opportunity to just sit and talk through their feelings without interruption). I think this makes sense for her rather than her actions being driven mainly by guilt, shes always taken the role of a parental figure or a protector. she wants them to be family again bc she doesnt want to see jinx hurting the way she is, torn apart by traumatic past events, what silco’s told her over the years, etc. i feel like i would agree more with this part of ur post if vi had had a chance to rlly talk w her sister and had been like ‘no, bring powder back, lets just go back to how things were’ or something along those lines.

and lastly i find myself disagreeing slightly the reasons you stated for why vi encouraged powder when they were children, mostly bc i dont think vi saw powder as someone who had to be on par with her own abilities/strength. i think its very important how vi told powder that everyone has bad days; no ones rlly perfect from the get-go. vi doesnt criticize powder for her shortcomings— in fact, she lets her know that its okay to make mistakes, that everyone makes mistakes. She tells powder that they have different strengths actually; vi has her physical strength, and powder has her genius and inventions. and i think its okay for vi to word her encouragement in a ‘keep trying, i know you’ll succeed’ form, esp when powders feeling dejected, rather than to just tell her that shes simply not ready. though i can understand the point u made abt vi taking her along on heists she wasnt completely ready for, i also dont think that vi leaving her out on these heists wouldve helped powder much either and instead could’ve exacerbated her desperation to prove her worth. and even if she did somewhat see strength in powder that the kid didnt have at the time i dont think that equates to vi thinking of powder as someone who had to be as capable as herself.

as for what we saw in ep1-3 regarding powder’s struggles during the heist and the hexcores, think thats just mainly because the hexcores themselves were a pretty unexpected, unpredictable variable suddenly thrown into the mix. i feel like the hexcores exploding in jayces house couldve happened as a mistake by any one of those four bc they were an unknown and extra-ordinary factor, not specifically bc powder was less capable than the others. and thats part of what makes this all very unfortunate— powders efforts rlly couldve helped, its just… a lot of unexpected, untimely, and unfortunate situations all around.

i do see that there probably are better ways to have encouraged powder without bringing her on heists, and there r better ways to have explained to her why she shouldnt come with on the mission to save vander— but as you said, vi is not a perfect character, shes a parentified teenager juggling a lot of responsibilities without fully being capable of thinking through the impacts and/or complications of her actions. which makes sense, but the harms still happen regardless :( just a lot of horribly timed situations and circumstances, esp with silco taking vander after killing benzo. again, i feel like vi worded her encouragements fine, not from a place of selfishness, but extreme circumstances and misfortunes that werent in their control made it tragically so that,, the whole of ep3 happened.

just to make things clear— i completely agree that vi is not a paragon! shes not morally perfect, she def has her character flaws. but i just wanted to write my thoughts on the reasons you put. thanks sm again for this thread, its given me a lot to think abt and overall was a pretty intriguing read :) And i totally agree with you that its wrong to see jinx as some irredeemable monster. sorry if not a lot in my post is coherent or clear— i wrote this in a rush spurred on by caffeine 😭

Alr so before season two comes out, I feel compelled to say: I don’t think anything Jinx did was that bad. Ik ik, the show’s all about a group of people trying to make the best out of bad situations, and the situation is complicated and blah blah blah. But if I’m being honest, the way I see it, Piltover is an oppressor. The people of Zaun are being oppressed. Not only are they justified in fighting back against their oppressors, I’d argue that doing so is morally right.

I’m never going to condemn anyone for not taking that shit lying down. When you’ve exhausted every other option, and your back is against the wall, I’ve got 3 words for you: WHOOP. THAT. TRICK. Whether that be with words, feet, fists, etc. Fight the good fight today so you can live to make a better world tomorrow.

Now do I think Jinx is severely mentally ill, self destructive, insecure, possessive, and willing to do anything to keep her loved ones near? Absolutely. Do I also think that she has every single right to strike back against the powers that be? Hell yeah! I wanna see her burn the so called “City of Progress” to the GROUND

[snailsaalt]

my only text post here and its about morrigan and lilith being gay

i feel like i have to talk about it here. like twitter gets to hear about it from me all the time so they know all my thoughts on the matter but you guys are lucky so you dont hear me talk often on any of my blogs. i should ruin that!! unfortunately for u guys tumblr doesnt have a character limit either. anyways every so often i show my morrigan/lilith art in nondarks spaces and someone always goes “ouh wai i thought they were sisters!????” an d i have to explain how foolish they are and that they should learn the shitty fucked up lore with a 10000 plotholes (but its allowed to because its dope as hell) like. this is like the sailor moons cousins thing but people actually fucking believe theyre cousins. darkstalkers fans stay losing anyways heres a high res of this fruity ass png bingus with an e drew in the 90s  

i know its obvious that peopl who think theyre sibs just have never touched a ds game or looked at any official images ever but. i think they should because ds arts amazing but more importantly morrigan and lilith are little fruits. morrigsn a grape and lilith is cherry.

i hate ressurections artstyle + artist whitewashed anakaris and felicia + drew jedah without heels. but ykno. i will take my wins.ALSO LOL.. BUTT WINGS FAIL MOMENT THIR WINGS OIN THEIR BACK!!!!!!! anyways

the titty press on the window. the breath. morrigans gaze. the hand hold. cishet games have no fucking idea what theyre up against. gona talk about the actual game now

its so fucking gay. anyways im gona jus talk abou my hcs now i think jedah is jus liliths mom. hes v open abou his fave child bu they still make lilitha da spagheti.... also i think its funny cauds like.  i think u guys kno i ship jedemi which i could go over why in this post but this isnt ABOUT THEM. its about MORRIGAN. and MORRIGAN 2!!!!!!!!! back to what i was saying jedah being liliths mom but also marryign demitri would make him morrigans father in law.. but also... since jedah turned ozom into fetus of god ozom is related to all of them too????? lol. i just think jedah turning his enemies into his children is funny and no one talks about that enough. anyways i feel like a lot of people just see two women (or in this case demigirls i think they r both nb) being close and instantly think “ouh theyre so close theyre like sisters HEHE!!!” and like. its so obvious they explored eachothers bodies. like i dont hate u if u intepret their relationship that way like maybe im an iddy bit concerned abou how you view your siblings but whatever i wont think about it too hard i think people think its cute and funny dynamic or whatever and thats it but like. i also dont wana see that cause..... i simply do not ! :] anyways i constantly feel like a freak caus of that but i think i am a freak for different reasons thatre morally ok but legally bad but lets not talk about that lets talk about the satanic subtext. jesus obviouslly was inspired by jedah w/ the savior and the rapture and the betrayal (ozom didnt betray jedah with a kiss hes homophobic and also has no lips :’[) but ALSO!!!!!!! god made eve from a piece of adam. lilith was made from a piece of morrigan. lilith was made a demon for thinking that she was equal to adam, lilith believes shes morrigans equal and betrays jedah’s little utopia attempt. they choose a life of being gay with stupid fucking goth bimbo and hedonism instead of saving the world and they benefit from it... i dont think ive ever seen anyone talk about that at all an when i bring it up to the 8 other ds fans with rights theyre all like “ouh ive never thought about it like that!!!” i think people kinda just avoid looking at morrigan in a deep way in general even though shes one of if not the most important character and theres so much interesting stuff you can look into like her struggle to be herself and have fun or giving that up to make makai less of a shithole, her power being taken away in a society where power is EVERYTHING, her relationship with demitri going from “lol this dudes so fucking stupid and easy to make fun of” to “ew this rat fuck is trying to make me his mindcontrold servant because the only way he could possibly think of someone as anything positive is if theyre below him” i say that but people kinda avoid looking at ds lore in a deep way in general so yea. lol. ds turned me into the joker theres so much cool shit you can talk about but NOO most of the bs is porn boobs titty asscheek balls and NONE OF ITS EVEN GOOD. I SAID IT!!!!!! DESPITE WHAT THE SO CALLED “TOLERANT LEFT” MIGHT THINK ABOUT IT... like how makai is made out of gods corpse and no one knows how big it is and the fucking door that killed jedah also killed a fruit noble (his name is persimon the door kills fruits....) anyways i have a ds server ive never posted a link to here.... i’ll drop it in this post i guess https://discord.gg/wMBGrda theres probably a lot i forgot to talk about despite the fact i wrote so much LOL. anyways the servers mostly lore discussion or jokes but there are 2 people there that play the video game.... crazy ik.....

[sword-of-summer]

All of them answer every question fuck you

ahahaha no i respectfully deny your "fuck you" and i accept the ask and so-

i am 5'10", and i don't wish to be taller or shorter- i am the perfect height for hugs and messy hair, and yep, i like it here-

dream pet would be a mix of golden retriver and a husky called Holly and a chonky cat called Loki- yes ofcourse my future kids have names everyone should name their future pets-

ripped jeans/black pants with a Darth Vader tshirt or a Ethnic Fusion Kurta with black sneakers/artificial leather slip-ons, and if it's cold, a black jacket open obviously- and a black wristwatch i love my black wristwatch.

favourite video game was Clash of Clans and going even back, GTA Vice City and, the og- MARIIOOOO

three things/people are Oreos, Nutella and Pizza. The Holy Trinity-

"Beware me my fingers are smeared with chicken popcorn grease"

you didn't mention an opinion, @chunkybirb, so imma give my opinion on Vanilla ice cream and Nutella- ANYONE WHO HADN'T COMBINED THESE TWO COMBINE THESE TWO THEY ARE FUCKING AWESOME

im either phlegmatic or melancholic bruh idk maybe ik or maybe not

im v v v v ticklish

not an allergy, but an intense hatred for ketchup- i vomit if it gets too close to me fuck you ketchup

im heterosexual

any between tea and coffee but full milk coffee (ik, kill me), never had cocoa- but i love a chocolate or nutella milkshake

both. both is good. (cat and dog)

i would be an elf cause hell yeah, knowledge and wisdom

favourite youtuber is Samay Raina, a stand up comedian turned youtuber who is just awesome-

as i mentioned in 1., i am 5'10"

i would not change my name cause it's the coolest fucking name ever, i am Tanay, and Tanay in Hindi means Son, and my parents literally named their son Son, and hell yeah i like it

i forgot how much i weigh- last i checked it was 75 kilos, but ive gained weight since 2019 so yep, gotta walk in the mornings

yes i believe in metaphysicality cause one- it seems cool- second- me and @theclassyghost discussed a metaphysical life theory that i really really like and metaphysicality gives preservation of knowledge so i believe in spirits

SPACE. SPACE. SPACE.

im not that religious, no

pet peeves no well nah not really

nocturnal def nocturnal i sleep at 4.50 anyway hehehehe

fav constellation is Cassiopeia

fav star is Sirius tho

what the fuck are ball jointed dolls

i do have a fear of losing people that's just anxiety i guess

yep, global warming is real

never thought that much about reincarnation tbh but maybe, i do

fav movie is Spider Man : Into The SpiderVerse and Inception and The Dark Knight Rises and Revenge of The Sith and yes, for my indian gang, 3 Idiots and Gully Boy

yep i get scared v v v easily

i have had no pets but i plan to once i grow up

@chunkybirb 's blog is fucking cool awesome and *chef's kiss* a masterpiece

blue calms me. i love blue.

live in Norway cause pretty lights, snow, and less people than this overpopulated country i am in

born in Mumbai, India

v v v dark brown like it's almost black but no it's dark brown

introvert

horoscopes and zodiacs, i do read them, never believed that much tbh-

HUGS I LOVE HUGS

i really wanna visit my brother i haven't met him in a long time i really wanna play cricket w him just like old times

my sister- she's annoying but well i care for her

nah

tattoos idk bruh im okay idk may get one or may not get one

nope, smoking is ewwww *vomits*

ah my crush- she's cool [ if she exists

when the chalk doesn't write on the board but goes iiiiiieeee I HATE THAT

a sound i love is rain pitter pattering i just hhhhhh sends me into happiness

nope fatass here

nope fatass here

favourite actors have to be eddie redmayne, oscar issac and pedro pascal- and margot robbie and winona ryder in the actresses section also yes, elliot page

bruh already answered in 30.

im okayish!! spotify and tumblr, cool combo-

my hair are okay being black for me

yesterday, monday, from 6.40 to 6.50

music

uhhh naah not that i know of

well in Rick Riordan's Magnus Chase books, the sword of Frey aka Sumarbrander TALKS and demands to be called Jack, so here i am

bakwaas, music and comfy

yep, i believe in evolution

unfollow on hate and when they dm me sending nsfw pics ugh why are people like that

follow, well, i like people and they seem cool, so i follow them

fav kind of person is the one who'll sit with me for hours not even talking and just vibing to music

fav animals are beavers, doggos and cats

three fav blogs are @chunkybirb, @theclassyghost, @little-boats-on-a-lake, @aredhel-of-gondolin, @sue-me-imbadass, @alleenkaas, @my-ackerman, @brrrrrrrrrrzone

fav emoticon has to be ☹ this me seeing my stupidity outrank others

fav meme has to be Butternut is a master of psychological manipulation

INTP

Libraaa let's go

no dog, i have

black darth vader tshirt, black pants, black sneakers and black wrist watch

i have no selfies my phone has no cameras i live in eternal darkness

what the fuck are platform shoes

i, uhhh, i remember weird things like what i drew in class in 3rd while i was supposed to be doing english

lazy ass here, no front flips possible

i like birds they fly

nope i don't Iike swimming i like blankets

wrapped up in blankets reading books sounds better than both

ketchup

hyperspace travel

nope none

reading writing eating sleeping

my friend

tumblr seems cool

i have around 60-70 idk

yes i can run but why

yes they do but what's the fun in that

nope I'd fall over

sapphire let's go

koala bear or panda

sunflower or the one on a lemon tree

ketchup store

one cup of coffee is enough, tysm

read minds that sounds cool cool yeaaahh

nope never wore it a black clothes guy here BatMan

winter winter all year long

i don't know and i don't wanna try

i don't know and i don't wanna know

everyone cause they are better than me

bookstores cause bookstores any bookstores

sneakers, black onez

apparently some gas bitches mixed up to form a planet

non vegetarian but i partake meat just twice or thrice in two weeks

i don't know they don't seem like liking

naaaaaaaah

bugs ew

spiders ew

about the fact that i come off as arrogant and overconfident while in reality it's just that my communication skills suck

i can draw averagely whenever im in a mood

this thing im answering but i like answering it

uhhhhhhh brain freeze- idk bruh questions are good they give knowledge

yep, while sleeping

ahh yes calming, they are

cloudy days cause fucking cool vibes

hehehe wouldn't you like to know, weatherboy

CumuloNimbus i really like it's name yknow nimBUS

dark blue, dark blue always or black

naaaah no freckles

fav thing is when they laugh and it's just happy and we're both laughing like shitheads but who cares we're rebelling against depressing life and we laugh

both. both is good [ fruits and vegetables

sleep but i have to answer 170 questions cause @chunkybirb

sky sky sky it's my blog's header duh uh sKy

sweet and sour candy. SWEET AND SOUR CANDY.

dim lights it makes me feel cool

ahhh so here we go- Mooncalfs, Thunderbirds, Phoenixes, Sphinxes, Dragons that seem to be Space Nebulae, and more and more and more

i really feel like a boomer sometimes

i love everything about this site/app it makes me feel happy cause i like the people and the posts

uhhhhh i think too much about everything cause i just do. i like thinking

"He's dead, guys. For the sake of The Force, please watch Star Wars now he wanted to discuss it with you" actually no i would just say "A big shoutout to Garlic Bread he loved Garlic Bread"

myself cause i should be sleeping but sleep is for the weak and i am the weak and the strong i am a paradox-

that i obsess too much on things and try involving people it never works out

nope. had braces for 4 years, that beat out teeth showing smiles

i prefer computer-tv ahahahahaha

never tried them, so IDK

naaaaah not motion sickness- never travelled by sea so idk seasickness

lobed ears

yep i believe that deeds do count in life and beyond

idk bruh i don't believe in physical attraction too much- bodies are fake- mentally/metaphysically tho, im a 7

ahhhhh many many Stupid Genius, Tani, Tanu, Tanya

i still do-

i really want to talk to a therapist. converse. and discover.

im both, i am both.

10:1 is the ratio- giving 10, receiving 1

uhhh nothing just when i am right and people use the old "disrespect" argument

3, Hindi, Marathi, English

girls

uhh no i am not

my hair i love them everyone says things about my hair but i love them

knowledge vibes i give, someone tells me- and that's all i ever wanted

anyone i know tbh, my mutuals, my friends, my discord friends

ahhh no i wouldn't but i wish i was born 20 years earlier

bleh bloo, neither like nor dislike

i don't know if i have one

i don't know, haven't had physical contact in a long long long time in a galaxy far far away

the above point stands but i would like to ig

anything i write, 3 hours later, i instantly hate just idk why

anything i write

that i am normal no i am not and i am not okay hahahahaha

65-70 ish people

somewhere around-

many many many don't ask please but okay if you do ask

somewhat

uhhhhh idr exactly but i won't tell in public duh uh

mediummm hairrrr

last year lockdown i became harry potter

i don't know buddy i seriously don't know

yep i do cause knowledge i like knowledge

naaah never tried

no i definitely cannot stand on my hands or my head for more than 30 seconds

yep, im pretty sure i answered most of them correctly-

og link-

[thescentoflavender]

ive just always come up with this idea that Victor has probably had no intimate/physical relationships w/ anyone besides MC bcs it was implied from the start how he couldnt stop looking for her since they got separated in childhood & considering how closed off he was growing up and how he said in Dazzling Date that it's always been her, i actually feel like MC atleast dated or had an admirer back in college, but that's unclear since her teen days aren't discussed, just wanted your thoughts ^^

Spoiler warning: This reply references a date which hasn’t been released in EN and contains spoilers for the main plot. 

Hello!

I agree that Li Zeyan has been intimate only with MC, but not because he’s been looking for MC ever since they got separated at the orphanage. The way I see it, that initial desire to protect her is akin to an older brother’s concern for a sister, especially because from his perspective she “sacrificed” herself to save him back then.

As you’ve also pointed out, MC is the one that Li Zeyan has only ever let into his heart. He’s a very private person, and he doesn’t share his feelings/personal life with anyone ever, except MC. Li Zeyan isn’t the kind of person who will have a “casual fling”; for him, a physical relationship with someone carries weight, and is possibly the final step in a romantic relationship. 

Case in point: his Deeply in Love Date (钟情之约）, from the Wedding March event. He gets MC to be his pretend bride at the rehearsal, just because he can’t stand to have anyone else in that position. (And he does the full suite of what a fiancé might do too. He goes with her to get her wedding dress fitted, pays for it with his black card, and even puts the ring on her finger. Here’s a quote that isn’t related to this argument but I rather like it so I’m just going to put it in.)

“When I’m around, you are the most perfect bride there is.”

-Li Zeyan, Deeply in Love Date (钟情之约)

Of course, a wedding isn’t quite on the same level as a physical relationship. A wedding is a celebration of a lifelong commitment; a physical relationship possibly more fleeting. But his insistence on having MC participate as his faux bride at a wedding rehearsal that isn’t even actually meant for him goes to show how much value Li Zeyan places on every act in a relationship. It’s hard, therefore, to see him being intimate with anyone else but MC, the only person “destined for him”, so to speak. 

Speaking of destiny, that ties in with what you’ve said about how "it’s always been (MC)” for him. Central to Li Zeyan’s relationship with MC is the theme of fate. In part, that ties in with his role as the Time Observer. Seeing MC die in every single timeline, and trying to prevent this from happening at the expense of his own existence, it’s no wonder that he sees his being together with MC as something that defies fate: a miracle in itself. And that’s why he treasures every moment he spends with MC, every act they do together, even more.

“No matter which path you take, no matter how different it is from mine, you can only arrive at the same destination as me.”

-Li Zeyan, Different Paths Date (殊途之约）

*N.B. This is called the Maze Date in EN, but 殊途 more literally translates as “different paths”. I personally like the “different paths” translation because it ties in with his final line (quoted above) better. 

And a little snippet from Chapter 30:

Li Zeyan: If there’s anything, you can look for me at any time. If you can’t reach me... look for Mr Chen in the Glazed Space in Souvenir.

In just a moment, that hint of a smile had vanished. Li Zeyan turned to look ahead again. In the pitch dark, the street seemed to go on forever, and the road by which they came was indistinguishable from their destination. 

There was no more time. 

(There are more examples but these are the few I can remember off the top of my head.)

This reply has turned into a mini essay, but don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about the last part of your question! If I may ask, how did you come by the conclusion that MC had been previously involved in a romantic relationship or an admirer in college/university? (I presume you’re not talking about Bai Qi as her secret admirer.)

In my opinion, MC’s dating history, if any, has been left purposefully ambiguous so that the reader can self-insert. But because I’ve only played the CN server/watched videos of the dates in Chinese, I’m curious to know if the EN server localised this, which may have possibly led you to think that she’s dated before.

---

P.S. It isn’t only Li Zeyan who hasn’t had physical relationships with anyone. I don’t think Bai Qi and Xu Mo have been intimate with anyone else either, but I won’t launch into an essay here. (If people are interested in knowing why then please send in an ask.) As for Zhou Qiluo... I’m too not sure. He’s far too experienced!

[thesnailtail]

;; it's an absolute incoherent ramble but ive done it. ive edited it. :)

;; because it's really long for no reason it's going under the read more

;; (my friend at the them hadn't read any of these events -i just got her into pjsk- so there is brief explanations of each one that i couldn't be arsed to remove)

;; AIRI MOMOI AND THE TRANS-NESS OF HER CHARACTER

;; so whether or not it was intended with her character, airi is incredibly transfem coded!!! so project sekai has a canonical transfem, a heavily implied transfem, whatever the hell ichika has going on regarding gender presentation + 17 other characters. diversity win. /silly

;; anyway airi's first event is Time To Re:Start! it starts with a flashback to when she was younger and talks about her getting into fights with boys because they insulted her sister. im pretty sure she's talking about her older sister but it's unclear. this is the second time she's been in a fistfight in game. the first was in the mmj main story, but in that one she was quite literally stopped just before actually fighting by minori. anyway she decides to become an idol because she sees an idol on tv and thinks she's really cute and wants to be like her!! yippee!! call that a narrative parallel. later on in that event she talks to Rin and says "somewhere along the way, i decided [an idol is] what i wanted to be too. but back then i didn't look anything like what an idol should." "really? how so?" "well, i used to get into fights with some boys in my neighborhood. most days id come home with my clothes all dirty." [then there's some other stuff..] "for some reason, i just can't seem to get any closer fo the idols i looked up to so much when i was little." while it's probably referring to the fact her old managers put her primarily on variety shows, it can also be taken as her being pushed aside in favour of cis idols. the 4koma for that event shows her telling the rest of more more jump! about her childhood, and she reiterates the points I've already mentioned: "fighting with boys, getting my clothes all muddy, choking on daifuku.."

;; then her colourfes was released and. we all love small airi

;; anyway. the card story for her colourfes has her going to her fragment sekai, much like every other colourfes, and encounters her younger self. airi gets scolded by small airi for yelling which is funny. then small airi talks about why she wants to be an idol and she says "then [the mean boys from her childhood] said that a brat like me could never become an idol" "my mum even bought me some really cute looking clothes, but whenever i wear them, the boys in my class tease me about it." "they tell me that im a big, mean monster and shouldn't be wearing girly clothes." then that last one is followed by present airi thinking "(even though you're a girl in every sense of the word.)" they go over and try some dresses on together and airi sees the discussion her and her managers had about putting her exclusively on variety tv and has to explain that to small airi. she and small airi promise not to lose sight of their goals and then the fragment sekai vanishes. :3

;; the boys in her class telling her she isn't a girl and can't be one is the closest we get to having someone straight out say "they don't like me because im trans"

;; and i feel like having people invalidate your identity is a universal experience but it might not be

;; THEN happy lovely everyday! elaborates on.. everything to do with her variety tv show work. she mentally recounts the entire leadup to her getting put on tv and it started with her old idol group (qt) doing a release event and when she makes a joking remark at the other memebers during introductions, the crowd find it hilarious and that leads onto a tv studio higher up seeing this and her being asked into a tv show. she takes it as an opportunity to spread qt's name. her introduction in said tv show is "our guest today is some girl we found outside, airi momoi!" "hi! im airi momoi.. wait what do you mean, some girl?!" she gets disrespected from the start. :(

;; this leads up to her being put on more (and more) variety shows, event missing qt events. it starts to wear on her but if she ignores the problem, then surely it isn't there!! (it gets worse.) she talks about having lost sight of her own dream because of this, her idol identity becomes tangled with happy everyday. happy everyday being the tv persona she gets and has to keep up, it's the main thing looming on her during this event. she doesn't like it, because it's the only thing the public came to see her as and her managers started to only focus on that side of her. she runs away from practice because of this and ends up helping len and rin with their mc-ing. this helps her come to terms with happy everyday and she embraces it! going back to my point earlier about one line being able to be interpreted as her being pushed aside for cis idols, her being put on variety shows can also be read this way. alongside the fact we see her get immediately disrespected on said shows and how her complaints in the future were ignored.

;; relating back to airi's variety stuff and her identity as an idol, in her first birthday card's side story haruka says to shizuku "losing her identity as a proper idol just kept weighing down on her" huh. i wonder what that could relate to...

;; i still need to read secret operation valentine's day in full so despite being an airi focus i can't talk about it :(

;; chasing the sparkle beyond the blue sky has: her talk with minori where she says that she was never rewarded for her work, despite doing more than everyone else to get it. before realising she could try her own way to get attention, one that focused on herself rather than copying the way others did it.

;; then there's also her saying "alright, you can all go on ahead [to the hot springs] without me. im gonna stay here and look around." she never does go to the hot springs with the others. shizuku ends up joining her on her walk along the beach and the two end up having a talk about airi's past.

;; there's probably stuff in re:tie friendship but that event isn't on global yet and i haven't read a translation in full so..

;; this is absolutely an incoherent ramble im so sorry

;; in short! airi's fes is the strongest evidence i have. but i will point at small things in her focus events and go "metaphor!"

;; im glad people like my unhinged little rambles about random (usually mmj related-) topics :D

[dnarez]

Chapter 31 - Sleepover

On the next day you were watching TV while chatting with Hitoshi that had spent the entire day with you, when the accident with the Hero Killer, and the Nomus happened that night.

Keigo was away and called you at once when he discovered that the attack was next to where your hospital was, and only calmed down when you told him that you were with Hitoshi. As he requested you passed your cellphone to the wolf nurse, and after a few minutes of chatting she came back and handed your cellphone to you.

"Shinso-kun, can you call your parents and ask if you can stay here for the night?" she looks at him with a knowing smile.

Hitoshi gets up from his chair and nods calling his mother at once, you can see a  small smile on his face.

You look at wolf nurse curious. "What happened for you to let him stay over?"

"Your brother told me that he doesn't want you alone when the league of villains is so close, he bought my silence, so that Shinso could stay with you." She says as she  puts medication on your IV.

"What did he 'bought' you with?" You look at her suspiciously.

She mumbles something, and you don't understand "Sorry, what did you say?"

She sighs blushing "A date... he bought me with a date" she clears her throat, trying to evade any more questions.

Hitoshi walks to her and hands her his cellphone "my mom wants to talk to you" she  takes the chance to escape as soon as she gets it.

"My brother has too much credit on that fat ass of his" you glare at the back of the nurse and hears your... friend? chuckling.

"Well... he is the hero number 3, and the youngest one at that" you nod at his words and look at him.

"She let you stay?" he nods and smiles

"I have already talked about you to her, so it wasn't hard to-"

"You talked about me with your mom!?" you blushed hard at that.

"W-well... yeah" he blushes and put his hand on the back of his neck "She wanted to know why I was going to the hospital so much, and since you are my only friend since the start of the year she connected the dots and was asking about you non stop after that...."

You nod still blushing and smile at his words "I'm sorry for worrying you all... I'm glad that I have so many people around me, and... most of all I like having you... here... with me..." you get redder and redder until you finish, looking at your own hands and inspecting your nails.

You hear fumbling, and then you see his hand on top of yours, when you meet his beautiful purple eyes, it takes a few moments to notice anything besides his deep and hypnotizing eyes, your eyes start to travel through his face, his eyebrows that are kinda cut on both ends, 'his nose is cute', 'his jaw line is strong', you try to imagine how he would look like with a beard, 'he would look manly'. The bags under his eyes that add to his charm, his ears... 'he would look good with earrings'. You keep inspecting his face with no shame at all.

While you are inspecting him, he's doing the same to you, 'did she always had that small dot under her right ear?' He likes the way you blush so hard that he can see small pale freckles 'probably from the sun, she should use more sunscreen does she even know how dangerous the sun can be!?', your ears are pierced, 'but I never saw her  wearing earrings', 'her eyebrow is kinda bushy, like her brother's', but your eyes, oh your eyes... he loves how you have a spot of yellow on your e/c colored eyes, you look nothing like Hawks, but you still have small resemblances to him. "I-"

You came back from admiring him and looked into his eyes, to find him looking at your hands together, you smile and intertwines your fingers with his "You...?"

"I-... Would you like to go-... on a date with me?" you look at his surprised 'why are you surprised?' and blush as you nod eagerly "I just need to go back on stage, you know?" you look to your empty back "It's weird... I can't feel the vibrations and stuff, I feel like I lost my eyes"

Hitoshi puts his hand on your shoulder, making you focus on him again "Okay, we will have a decent date when you are healthy enough, then... where do you wanna go?" he caresses your knuckles with his thumb.

"I think that just a walk on a park and a place to drink something would be enough... simple you know?" your eyes focus on the movement of his hand.

"Hmm... How about an arcade, or cinema, or maybe we can-"

You remembered that a cat café opened recently "HOW ABOUT A CAT Café!?" you smile at him, and see his eyes shining.

"There is one near my house and-" Hitoshi is interrupted by the door being open by the wolf nurse.

"Everything set! I hope you found that chair comfy, cus' you're gonna sleep in it" she hands his phone back.

"Wait, what's your name? I can't keep calling you Wolf Nurse, nor can I call you Amaterasu, since... ya know... you have a sister that is also my nurse"

She stops and thinks about it "Okay, you can call me by my first name, but... it's not original nor anything..." she blushes lightly "My name is Okami..."

"Okami...?!" you and Shinso laugh at that "What? and your sister is Kitsune?"

Okami hides her face on her hands "Yes..."

You both giggle at that

"It's not my fault that my parents didn't have a good imagination" she pouts, her ears glued to her head and her tail between her legs.

(for those that didn't get it, her name is literally "Wolf", and the same goes to her sister with "Fox" as her name)

You both stop laughing and nod "Sorry, but you got to admit, that it's funny"

She sighs but nods "Yeah, yeah, now excuse me I'll go get your dinner" she gets out of the room leaving you two alone.

Shinso looks at you, and you smile at him, you move to the side of the bed to give him some space. "Please sit here with me"

He looks apprehensive at first, but you pout and pats your bed some more, Hitoshi sighs and gives in, sitting down next to you, it's a little awkward at first, but when you hold his hand and lays your head on his shoulder he relaxes and smiles at you. "I like you... very, very much" he says as he buries his face on your hair, its smell likes lavender again, you had told him that your brother got your beauty products from your home, you probably had to use the hospital one since the smell was different yesterday.

You smile "I like you too" after staying like that for some time he pulls his phone from his pocket  and puts a movie for you two to watch. You argued with him after he chooses RIO.

Likewise, you huff "There are better movies than this one, let's watch UP!"

"No, I don't want to cry within 10 minutes of movie" he keeps scrolling through the Netflix list, trying to find a movie.

Okami comes back and lets your food on your lap, then runs off when she heard "code blue" from down the corridor.

You eat everything while complaining about not being sick and arguing about what movie you two will watch.

When Okami comes back looking tired and pissed at the discussion of the two she just sighs and offers her opinion.

"Why don't you watch Your Name? It's a good and heart warming movie, or literally ANY movie from Studio Ghibli, they are all very good"

You two look at each other and smile "Your Name it is!" you hand her your empty plate and puts your head on his shoulder, holding his empty hand.

Okami scoffs at you two, but even so, she hands you both a bar of black chocolate.

You two wave at her and look back at the screen when the movie starts.

Hitoshi holds his phone with his right hand and put his left on your hip, holding you close with a firm but comforting hand.

.

.

.

.

.

....................................................................

Tag List:

cutietootierootandlooty

OMG ALMOST 2000 KUDOS ON AO3!!! So I made this one a little longer than I normally do.

[writingstruggles]

Ben Solo/Kylo Ren: a character analysis

OK, first things first: THIS ISN’T A STAN OR ANTI POST. This is a character study, and if you can’t handle this character getting impartial concrit, just don’t read. If, however, you don’t agree with some of the points I’m going to make and want to have a healthy discussion about it, then I’m all ears. I don’t think my opinion is the only valid one, so feel free to try and change my mind.

And second things second: I tried so hard to love the sequel trilogy, but when it became clear after TROS that the studio had no plan other than making money, it became very difficult. I’m aware that the main problem for all the characters is the lack of general planing in this whole mess of trilogy, so keep this always in mind while reading this post: the first problem of this character was that the studio didn’t even know what to do with him.

1. Does Ben Solo becoming Kylo Ren make sense?

I checked the comics to get his background better. He had a happy childhood traveling a lot with Han and Leia, but when she discovered about the First Order, she sent him to train with Luke while Han and Chewie ran undercover missions for her. This is important: up to this point, he had a good relationship with his family, even if he was already being pulled by the dark side of the Force. It was during his adolescence that he started to be really seduced by Snoke, hearing the voice he thought belonged to Darth Vader. After the Luke incident, he did explode the cabin and thought he had killed his uncle, but he was not the one who killed all the other students and destroyed the temple: that was Snoke’s thing. He did kill some of his fellow Jedi apprentices later on, though. So, his turning points were Luke’s treason and Snoke’s coordinated abduction. And I would like to point out: the Sith training involves torture and brainwashing, so the first wrong impression I would like to correct about this character is that he was not simply a dick and revolted teen who ran away to join a cult.

BUT, there are some huge problems here. The first one is that when you watch the movies, you don’t learn anything about that aside from Luke’s part. In the way he’s presented in TFA, he’s Leia and Han’s son who betrayed his family, destroyed his uncles’ dream and joined the dark side for no reason. OF COURSE half of the audience wouldn’t like him. That wouldn’t be a problem if they just wanted him to be a villain like Darth Vader was, but it’s very clear that there was a plan (at least for one director) to make him a supposedly redeemable character. And how can we sympathize with his character like that? Even after we get to know what Luke almost did, the next question is simple: ok, so why he didn’t go back to Han and Leia?

And here is the second huge problem: we learned that after Ben leaves Yavin IV, Luke vanished, and Han and Leia broke up and went back to smuggling/leading a rebellion. And I can’t stress this enough, this doesn’t make any sense. The sequel trilogy killed Luke, Han, and Leia’s characters. These three characters that we have known for years would never, ever, had abandoned Ben Solo. Leia F*cking Organa and Han shot-first Solo would have brought their son back or die trying. Luke Skywalker is not a coward, he wouldn’t go into hiding and abandoned his only sister to clean up his mess during another war, let alone close himself to the Force, knowing full well he wouldn’t be able to feel if she was in danger. Just remember Han risking his life to save Luke in Hoth; or Leia leaving the rebellion to rescue Han from Jabba; or Luke straight-up disobeying ghost Obi-Wan and ghost Yoda to save Han and Leia, even if that costed the war. They were older and different, for sure, but we are talking about the quintessential things, the things that make these beloved characters themselves.  

(THIS ^^. This right here is the spirit of Star Wars)

So no, in the way it was done in the movies, Ben Solo becoming Kylo Ren doesn’t make sense to the audience, and that’s a huge problem. A friend of mine suggested once that instead of being a rip-off of ANH, TFA should have been a movie about the beginning of the First Order (because after we defeat the Empire on episode VI, episode VII starting with ANOTHER all-powerful evil government already dominating the galaxy and exploding planets just throws away all the previous movies’ efforts) and about how Ben Solo becomes Kylo Ren. Just imagine if Rey, Finn and Poe had interacted with Ben Solo before he becomes evil: the stakes would have been so much higher, and it could have been well done. It would have made this character more human and likable.

2. Kylo Ren’s motivations: what does he want?

If the OT was about hope, I think we can agree that the ST’s themes are legacy and belonging. Having their protagonists, Rey and Ben/Kylo representing two apposite sides of those things was one of the best ideas for the new saga.  Rey looks for belonging in the past she doesn’t know, while Kylo wants to abandon Ben Solo’s past and find his place in his future as Kylo Ren.

In that sense, his character arc was somehow solid. In TFA, it’s clear he’s still struggling with the dark side and feels the temptation of the light: he loses control easily, and he’s not doing anything unless Snoke orders him to. Ok, but why? Why is he clinging to Darth Vader’s ideals and staying in the sith path? Basically because he thinks it’s too late, and he has no other options. Which brings us back to the problem with Han and Leia: his parents didn’t go after him, they chose to go back to their old lives – of course he would think there’s no going back for him now. “But he is an adult man and could make his own decisions.” It’s a fair point, but again: sith training corrupts you and even if he had escaped, the only thing that would happen would be Snoke finding him again. It’s kinda like leaving an addiction: you supposedly can do it by yourself, but it is so much easier if you have help. Not a simple promise or offer, but actual, constant, and present help. I can not stress this enough, but I insist that one of the main problems with the sequel trilogy was not explaining in a satisfactory way HOW and WHY he turned to the dark side and stayed there.

3. Han Solo

Okay, I will admit: maybe my opinion on this specific topic is biased, because Han Solo is my favorite SW character. You may call me out as a fangirl if you don’t agree, but my point is: making Kylo Ren kill Han Solo was a bad idea. They basically killed the character for half of the audience, with zero chance of redemption.

It’s because it’s fratricide. Unless your father is Satan, the Emperor, or someone as equally villainous, fratricide is just that bad. It’s not easy to redeem a character who commits murder, but one that kills his own father? Who happens to be one of the good guys? And one of the most iconic and beloved characters in the franchise? There were other options to give Kylo Ren a tipping point, a conflicted moment that didn’t involve killing Han Solo. But they did, and he killed him. And now he’s no longer a villain we can sympathize with: now we think he’s a monster.

4. His interactions with Rey in TLJ

(I’m not wearing shipper goggles for this. I don’t even own shipper goggles when we are talking about Star Wars.)

Kylo Ren is conflicted after killing Han Solo, (and I will make a small pause here to reinforce how good Adam Driver’s acting was. He’s the only responsible for all the likable parts of Kylo Ren, especially in this movie). Kylo is once again unstable and Snoke is displeased with him, and for a moment we think he finally turned completely to the dark side, until he pauses before shooting Leia’s ship.

The force bond was the most interesting part of the movie. I don’t agree that he used it to manipulate Rey: if anything, he was completely harsh and blunt and kind of a dick to her, but he didn’t lie. He told her things how he saw it, with so much conviction that she started to see his side of the story. And since she was probably the first person in years that actually listened to him, his decision of murdering Snoke and inviting her to join the dark side makes very much sense.

We are talking about motivations and his are simple: let the past die, forge a new path. When he kills Snoke and no longer has a master, he only has one option: to become the master. That’s why he takes over the FO, and wants Rey to be his apprentice. Does the character suffer from sith-tunnel-vision? Definitely. But it makes sense. His decision-making is not overly complicated: he feels alone, and he wants a purpose: he decides that the solution for both is Rey joining him in the dark side. When she refuses, he still has one purpose: the FO.

This is, however, the point where he turns his back to the light completely: on Crait, he orders the FO to explode the Rebel Base and kill everyone, knowing full well his mother was in there. He orders them to exploded the Falcon out of the sky, once again knowing that Chewie and Rey are on board. When facing Luke, he repeats that he will kill Rey and the rebels. His transition from conflicted sith apprentice to the new villain of the franchise was actually well done.

And exactly because of that, the next topic pisses me off so much.

5. The continuity problem between episodes VIII and IX

Introducing Palpatine here was bad for so many reasons: backtracking Rey’s arc, making us think about Palps’ sex life, insisting on beating a literal dead horse when there were new things to explore, etc etc. And it was also bad for Kylo Ren’ arc. As I said before, the way they finished episode VIII, everything pointed to Kylo becoming the final evil Rey would have to face, and that would have been awesome. We didn’t need Palps, or ANOTHER all-powerful evil army ready to conquer the galaxy with exploding-planets-tech (seriously, is Alderaan a joke to you, Disn*y?).

  But, in the third movie, they went back and decided they didn’t want Kylo Ren to be the ultimate villain anymore. They wanted him to be redeemed. And that’s not bad per se, but an actual redemption arc needs to be planned, and I think we can all agree, there was no planning in the sequels. And again, FRATRICIDE. So they introduced an old, more powerful evil to make Kylo Ren less evil and less of a threat in comparison. And evil so definitive, and with such a bullshit connection to Rey, that it makes Kylo reconsider his previous promises of killing the last jedi and going back to the plan of making her turn.

And so, his character spends the movie going after Rey, to tell her the bullshit truth about her parents, to convince her to join him. At least his arc is still somehow solid, because once he’s decided on his path, he doesn’t lose control like in the previous movies, and his body language is more firm and lethal. Which, honestly, thanks Adam Driver, he knew the character way better than the director at this point.

He finally comes back to the light when Leia dies. Although it was rushed, I agree that, at that point, it was literally the only thing that could have made him turn. Rey reminding him that he wouldn’t be alone if he hadn’t chosen the dark side helped, too. It was clear that the moment with Han Solo was supposed to be with Leia, but I’m really glad Harrison Ford agreed to come back to fill in the role for his old friend.

6. Ben Solo

Okay, there’s so much to unpack here. When Ben Solo finally comes out to play, it’s very good. We can finally see some things that explain Kylo Ren better – it’s so obvious how awkward he was in his own body trying to be an evil sith lord when he is clearly a natural disaster. He still suffers from tunnel vision, but at least now it’s Skywalker-do-or-die tunnel vision. It’s like a weight was lifted from his shoulders, and the way his actions scream Han Solo makes me, once again, wish the first movie had been about him, and not the whole “find a map/ Star Killer base was ANOTHER ridiculous idea / I know R2’s alignment is chaotic bastard but COME ON”.

Star Wars has a notorious story with pulling Force powers out of nowhere, and I’m not going to pretend to be an expert in SW lore, so I won’t complain about the dyad thing (and the weird stuff with the light sabers). I honestly liked the concept. There’s a lot I have to say about the final battle against Palpatine, but I think it would fit better in a future character study about Rey (God, that’s going to be another long ass post). I just want to add that after Luke insisted on her taking both light sabers to Exegol, and after all the crazy stuff Ben did to get to her, they should have, you know, actually fought side by side against 85% dead Palpatine? Aren’t these two idiots supposed to be stronger than that?? I’m not complaining about Rey bringing him down “alone” since she is the protagonist yada yada, I just wished that Ben had done something, instead of being thrown into a hole.

(Palps did that out of spite because of his grandfather? I bet he did.)

I won’t say I didn’t cry hearing the voices of the past jedi talking to Rey, because I definitely did. If anything, it was great to see so many beloved actors getting a chance to honor such iconic characters. But are you freaking shitting on us? Where were ANY of those assholes when Luke, Leia and Ben needed them, like, ten years ago?? “Well, force ghosts should not be used as ex machinas, and they don’t see the future” Tell that to episodes IV, V and VI. Anakin, Obi Wan and Yoda can show up for Vader weird funeral/party with ewoks but they can’t send a jedi signal for the Skywalkers to warn them about Sith bullshit about to happen? “They were probably ahead in the world the comes next and they didn’t have a way to come back, they just talked to Rey because Exegol is a Force nexus and-” And so is Ach-To. And so is Yavin IV. And so is Dagoba (Yes, Snoke sent Ben there for training). Look, I have no problems with Force Ghosts, I love them bastards. I’m just so freaking mad with the lack of coherence in this trilogy. If they did not talk to the Skywalkers – and I’m sure at least Luke and Ben asked Obi Wan/Anakin to show themselves A LOT – they should not have talked to Rey. It was a crowd please moment, for sure, but it was another gigantic middle finger to Ben Solo (before he becomes Kylo Ren).

And then Rey died, and Ben brings her back. I know how many funny jokes are going around in the fandom about how resurrecting Qui-Gon or Padme would have saved the galaxy so much trouble, but again, I’m okay with that. It was previously established that since they were a dyad, they had this living Force between them (although it was rushed in the final like everything else). And it does make sense Ben doing that: he had just come back to the light, and his parents were both dead. Han and Leia were gone because of him, the last time he saw Chewie was as his captor, and before that, he got shot by him, etc, you get the idea. He had nothing else, only this: the chance to make it right by a person that genuinely cared for him. Exchanging his life for Rey’s was nothing: he knew that his family would be waiting for him in the world that comes after.

So, did I like the Bendemption? It. Was. Not. A. Redemption. It was the right choice, and it made things right between him and Rey, because she forgave him for everything. But that’s it. He did not face the consequence of any of his previous actions. “But he died for her!” And we just established that it was not a difficult choice, considering that he had literally no reasons to stay alive if Rey was dead. If you want to see an actual redemption arc, go watch Avatar the Legend of Aang.

And finally, the kiss and the death. Okay, I know I’m digging my own grave by addressing that, but my mama raised no coward. Here it goes: it was fan service, pure and simple. It’s there to make part of the fanbase happy. Good for you, reylos, but to us, not shippers, it came out of nowhere. And I’m not questioning if they had feelings for each other or not: I’m talking about pacing and characterization. I’m not 100% convinced that Rey, as a character, as she was presented to us so far, would have done that. It felt out of place, and it broke the immersion of the scene. I was emotionally invested on what was going on, I was happy to see Ben smiling at her and everything, but then suddenly they were sucking faces and the “FAN SERVICE” alarm was so loud in my mind that I immediately lost interest. If they wanted that in the movie so much, there was probably a better way to do that.

It makes sense that Ben had to die to bring Rey back: one life for another and everything. I still think that, story-wise, it would have been better if none of them had died a ridiculous death, and Ben had faced the consequences of his actions as Kylo Ren, but okay, moving on.  The main problem here is what happens after he dies: nothing. Absolute-effing-nothing. He dies, he disappears – which, again, I won’t question because Leia was involved and Skywalkers do whatever they want with the Force and I’m no expert – but that’s it. Rey, the same Rey that had just jumped his bones fifteen seconds earlier, doesn’t even mourn him. She doesn’t cry, she doesn’t do anything for him in the end, she just goes to Tattooine because it makes sense to the Skywalker saga to end where it started. She sees more of those Force Ghosts who never appear when they freaking should and that’s it.

Why is it bad? Well, first, like it or not, Ben Solo/Kylo Ren was one of the main characters and he deserved an actual final. Finn and Poe too, but those are long posts for another day. And second, it makes the fan-service in that kiss scene more evident. You can’t have the girl kiss him and in the next scene act like it didn’t matter at all. “Ok, then it was a thank-you kiss and there were no real feelings of loved involved”. But that makes it worse, it would be even more completely out of character for Rey – who avoids physical contact with people on the regular – to just kiss someone as a thank-you. Do you see how the math does not compute? If she had feelings for him, and therefore kissed him, she should have mourned him. If anything, she should at least miss her other part of the dyad thing. And if she didn’t mourn him because she didn’t have actual feelings, then she should not have kissed him. A little consistency, it’s all I’m asking.

7. Conclusions (aka tl;dr)

He was a somehow consistent character, but the lack of plot for the sequels was a huge problem. If the trilogy had been about Ben Solo becomes Kylo Ren – Kylo Ren kills Snoke and becomes the real villain – Rey faces Kylo Ren and she either saves him or kills him, it would have been so much better than the mess the studio did.

His story in the comics is so much more complex than what it is shown in the movies, but what they did to Han, Leia and Luke was a crime.

It was clear that one director had a vision to give him a redemption, and the other to make him the ultimate villain.

Adam Driver did what he could to make this character solid and somehow likable, let’s thank him for that.

There was no reason to bring Palps back,

Rey’s actions in the final are contradictory,

He should have stayed alive to face the consequences of his actions,

and the studio is charged guilt for getting our hopes up just to crush them with their lack of interest in doing something descent for the fans.

But again, that’s just my analysis of this character. Feel free to disagree with me, I would love to see what other people think about Ben Solo/Kylo Ren.

[shidoukanae]

YGO! Questionnaire

Tagged by @cipher-wise​

Favorite series:

My favorite series based on what I watched and enjoyed would have to be Arc-V!!! It's honestly the series that got me to adore YGO when previously I'd seen YGO as, and I chilidishly quote, "uncool". Everything about Arc-V is pretty much wonderful: Yuya's presence as a "everyone MUST be happy" kind of character in a plot that discusses themes of war, revenge, and despair is absolutely refreshing (especially when Yuya's ideals of happiness are stripped from him and made a mockery of by, *coughs* one of my favorite characters in the franchise *coughs*). 

I love how the four Yuu boys are a wonderful combination of "protagonists" (/anatagonists) and how they each play off of each other's weaknesses and strengths, often acting as mirrors to each other in their individual dimensions while having amazing interactions (Yugo and Yuri, anyone? Yuri and Yuya?).

I admire how the endgame plot is a perversion of Yuya's ideals: he gets what he wants, showering happiness upon all, but that "happiness" is corrupted into the notion of entertainment. While Yuya seeks to provide people with smiles and laughter, to give them hope to work together through tough times and to stay strong in the face of adversity, his "counterparts" in the endgame are really good at acting as Yuya's mirror: showing that his style of performing can also be used to appease the bloodthirst of one's own self and that happiness can be corrupted into self-deserving power.

...Hard to put that into exact words without spoiling a lot of things but, gosh, let's just say that Yuri and ____ are the perfect mirrors to Yuya in terms of what his entertainment dueling style is meant to be.

The plot over all is pretty good! I won't lie and say it stands strong all the way throughout the story but the first half is amazing and there are some pretty strong episodes in the second half (Yugo and Rin, the parasite episodes in general, Yuri Yuri YURI). I can definitely say that the humor is there, the characters are amazing (if nothing else, watch for the Yuu Boys, the Bracelet Gals, and Shun versus Sora!!) and having come into the show around episode 104, I was pleasantly surprised by the trip Arc-V brought me and how it played with its protagonist, giving him hope, kicking him down, and toying with his mind - just like the way a warzone might to any idealistic individual.

In terms of other series, I like VRAINS but only up to like episode 19 (or the end of the Data Bank arc). It had potential and I kept hoping it would get better but the plot was constantly floundering, there are plot holes abundant (sewer monsters, ugh), character development is inconsistent not to mention very shallow, VRAINS has some of the best side characters but they're kicked to the curb by a bland protagonist and a villain that could've been so much cooler but they made him a sympathetic mess.

...I have a lot of gripes with VRAINS but, if it were to ever be rewritten with clear goalposts and plot twists in mind (not to mention development on ideas like Charisma Duelists because at the end of the show I still have not a fucking clue what a Charisma Duelists is or was) I would say it has potential to become my favorite series but Arc-V clearly beats it for me in every category lmao.

Zexal’s also really good too!!! I don’t get all the hate behind it because it’s actually really interesting and engaging (also IV’s definition of fanservice is literally the only type of fanservice I will ever accept) and I think I’ve even cried a couple of times during the course of the plot which is like,,, shocking considering it’s not a show I thought I’d cry over (I cried in Arc-V too but goddamn does tiny Yuya just want to make you tear up lmao). This show is really good emotionally and it’s literally so stupid how Kaito carries a lot of the early and middle game of the show yet most of the meat of the plot doesn’t begin to unravel until the second season.

Also, if you ever want to watch a show of 100+ episodes that is so masterfully written that there is foreshadowing for stuff in like episode 130+ on EPISODE ONE, please watch this. Literally there are so many hints of what is going to happen in the future in the early episodes and you won’t really be able to tell what those hints are until you’ve finished the show but goddamn when you go back and rewatch things it does indeed feel amazing how much foreshadowing they threaded into the show without you ever knowing...(please don’t search for spoilers if you intend to watch this. I went into the show knowing some spoilers tho not all and, while I was still pleased by what I watched, I honestly can agree the show is A Lot Better without knowing ANYTHING)

Favorite Protagonist: Yuya. For sure, out of all the series, Yuya. 

He’s a refreshing protagonist, especially considering he shines in a world of war and despair. He’s also someone who you empathize with right at the start and want to hope in, especially since he is the “happiness” in a word of “madness” and “sorrow”. He’s not someone out to save the world (not really, anyways), but his actions touch on the lives of others anyways, giving people in a hope in a world that is otherwise cruel and heartless. Also, it really helps that he’s able to pull you into his world of “egaos”, making you believe in him and root for him despite how cheesy his ideals may or may not sound.

Also love how, despite being the centerpiece of “happiness”, Yuya isn’t allowed to always be happy :> Not spoiling plot related things but if you like protagonists going off the rails insane at times, Yuya’s definitely a fun protagonist for that!!!

Favorite Rival:

Kaito Tenjou!!! Literally the best rival in the series that I’ve seen. Everything about him is literally perfect ngl. From the way he’s chillingly introduced, with the spine-tingling whistles and cruel, almost merciless nature, to the way he slowly becomes sympathetic while also remaining a terrifying presence whenever he appears...I love him????

Favorite BFF:

Does Shoichi count? Because like...he’s Yusaku’s closest friend and ally in the series and I generally don’t pay attention to the other BFF’s in the other series (or at least, the ones I can recall bc I know in Zexal that Yuma has a whole group of friends lmao).

But I like Shoichi!! He cares about Yusaku a lot, is pretty damn cool as a sidekick hacker, his sideplot with his brother was actually honestly endearing and I loved the mystery about him. His early-game jokes w/ Ai to tease Yusaku were also a good laugh.

Favorite GFF: 

Not a girl friend forever for the main protagonist (although she like...lowkey confessed to him...though that plot really never went anywhere so I still don’t know what the fuck THAT was about) but,,, Ema Bessho,,

If y’all knew me back in my peak YGO days when VRAINS was airing,,, this gal was and STILL is my favorite girl of the YGO series. Even though she was pretty much done dirty imo I still love her (even despite considering she’s been made a damsel-in-distress at least three times, she’s only ever won one duel on-screen despite being supposedly good at dueling, ngl they could’ve done so much more with her but tbh she’s mostly just an asset to solve problems at whim and barely gets character development/does nothing but watch and spectate stuff late-game).

Even though she’s like...the unfortunate side character who’s probably meant to be more fanservice than interesting, in the first 19 episodes (and even the Revolver vs. her fight as well as the one time she meets Aoi IRL early-game) made her out to be a lot cooler and complex than she ended up being. I mean,,, a hacker gal who’s self-serving, cynical, and cold-hearted taking on the tasks of her (potentially ex) boyfriend while being really nice to his sister to the point she baffles even herself,,, we could’ve had a really unique and cool character to play around with here but instead we got...cool-ass character with potential to be something more reduced to a spectator with nothing better to do than idolize the main protagonist and have a plot with her brother that honestly detracted from her character more than it added to it imo.

Also Ema could’ve been a female Yuri but,,, nope,,, they decided she was better as a background piece instead TwT

Favorite Villain: Yuri.

Literally Yuri.

I could choose the leather jacket w/ fluff boi in a certain series because hot damn was that guy convincing AF that he wasn’t an evil psychopath (and even while knowing that he was, I still got fooled into thinking he was a good guy somehow omg) however,,, I’ve always held a love for Yuri and the way he’s been portrayed.

Despite ALWAYS being the bad guy, the show has always made this purple fucker into the most entertaining character on-screen. He even beats Yuya sometimes in terms of how entertaining he is - that’s literally how good he is,,

Also his facial expressions are amazing, he’s a VERY VALID threat to the main cast (and his creeper levels are not only off the charts but literally called out by the main female protagonist herself lmao), and he acts as the perfect foil to Yuya, battling not to entertain others but to entertain himself.

Also, he likes killing people.

No this is not a joke.

He literally likes killing people. And is pretty sadistic about it, too.

(^^^^ for those who don’t get the joke, “Fusion” is pronounced “Yuugo” which sounds similar to “Yugo” which is what,,, Yuri is making fun of,,, more context is needed of course but this is a Great Running Gag)

Favorite card:

I don’t know if it actually exists as an actual card but...that crystal dragon from the YGO movie with the glass pyramid. Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon...it’s really pretty...I love it...

Favorite Episode:

I’m...too lazy to search for names of these episodes but I can give brief summaries of them,,, because I can’t choose,,,

Arc-V: Shun vs. Sora (ALL episodes). Hot damn if you have never watched YGO but want to try and see for yourself why people like it: WATCH THESE EPISODES. I can’t explain how amazing these episodes are and, while I admit jumping straight into them might have you missing out on some important context (such as who Shun is or why Sora’s battle tactics lead to revelation) it’s honestly an amazing fight regardless. The battle starts off plain enough - there’s obvious tension, it seems like a typical fight of a battle royale, etc. - my god does the battle ramp up in emotional tension and promptly kick you in the gut with not only how blindsided you’ve been, but it also showcases just how cruel these “entertainment duels” can really get.

Any episode with Yuri. Literally any episode he’s in. 

I think this is like...episode 8 of VRAINS...but whenever it is that Akira hires Ema to find the reason why Aoi just...straight up got knocked into a coma. Literally this is my favorite episode when it comes to Ema. The way she makes fun of Akira even while aware of his situation,,, her cruel selfishness and desire for money bubbling to the surface, the way she confesses how she can’t be trusted willingly and still asks Akira why he’s hiring her,,, god I love this episode in terms of what Ema could’ve always been.

Episode 13 (/14?) of Zexal!!! This is the episode Kaito appears and when the show REALLY picks up. Kaito is a fun bastard of a rival and tbh I don’t think I’ll ever stop getting chills of him walking in, debris frozen in time all around him, as he approaches his victim, whistling an eerie children’s tune as he gets ready to close in for the kill,,,,

Favorite Deck to Use:

I don’t...really play the game itself but...I have used a couple of decks and I guess you can say I really love Raid Raptors??? First of all, those warbirds make really fun sounds I love ‘em in the anime but they’re also just fun to use in general (even tho I used a,,, very basic deck for them,,, I love them still).

Fusion, Ritual, Synchro, XYZ, Pendulum or Link:

XYZ bc it’s really the only summoning method I’m used to lol :P. Also XYZ loyalist I guess???? 

Years in fandom: roughly five to six years iirc? I mean, I was a fan of the early day YGO and watched it as a kid but not active enough to be in the fandom for it lmao. Also not in the fandom atm because Sevens lost my attention (it’s a good show!!! I’m just unfortunately more a fan of things with serious plots and darker themes and it’s hard for me to stomach slice-of-life shows that don’t focus on a mature and engaging plot). However, Arc-V and Zexal holds a special place in my heart (as does VRAINS, begrudgingly) and so I occasionally find myself wandering back to these shows like right now,,, 

[gayregis]

I read “A Little Sacrifice” and now I am a MESS

fun fact: i read the books out of order on purpose because i am very focused on instant gratifaction, so i read all of the hansa parts first and then went back to all of the rest of the books, thus i read the assault on castle stygga before a little sacrifice

so when i backtracked and read a little sacrifice, i had a very spiteful look on my face, like sapkowski fucking did it again, huh...

a little sacrifice has a lot of depth and it has a beautifully written sad ending but the first time i read it (with the fan translation from reddit) i didnt quite know what was being translated and what wasnt so i didnt know if i was missing any context, plus when i read, i skim and then go back a thousand times to reread it if i liked it, so i was just extremely confused as to what the fuck the relationship geralt and essi was supposed to be like, and then you get to the end and it’s like well i guess their relationship doesnt even matter after all because she’ll never show up again

also i remember being physically nauseous at reading that essi couldn’t be over 18, especially since i was like 17-18 when i read it a couple of years ago. yeah that basically was the closest i ever got to leaving the witcher fandom entirely, i had like this whole conversation with myself at 2 AM about the decision to stay in the fandom if i have to deal with this being canon, the solution i have come up with for it is that i simply do not acknowledge that part as canon and essi is like 25 in my mind and also she never fell in love with geralt

on one hand i think the story of unrequited love/doomed romance is interesting solely because it is something that you’re not meant to be like “aww cute i hope they get together” at, it’s a terrible fucking relationship in context. and geralt mentions this multiple times because he’s So Monogamous all he wants is yennefer, and this was an interesting way to develop your main romance, sapkowski does this like ten times in the series, where geralt and yennefer are fucking miles apart but somehow their romance gets developed during this period. i think it’s the embodiment of “absence makes the heart grow fonder” and it’s something that realy flew over CDPR’s heads, like they didn’t have a “hot and cold” / “on again off again” relationship, they both had a lot of issues relating to intimacy and committment and self-image which prevented them from true intimacy even though they had become very vulnerable with one another

on the other essi’s purpose in this story is literally just to fall in love with the main character and then die. like. i was genuinely mad because it wasn’t even a valorous death for a symbolic reason, such as with the hansa who die to demonstrate that an exchange of lives has occured. essi just dies because it’s sad and there’s not much place for her later in the series. i was genuinely mad because she had this really great relationship with dandelion and seeing that expanded on was something i felt we got cheated out of. all of the geralt and essi scenes we got i think should have been proportioned in a 1:2 ratio with scenes with her and dandelion / her and dandelion and geralt as a group, because she really didn’t get enough development of her own but had a lot of potential. 

plus sapkowski was just like “actually dandelion isn’t always incredibly self-absorbed and blinded by arrogance, let me demonstrate situations in which he cares deeply about the people involved and acts appropriately” and then immediately tossed that concept out of the window until we get to the end of time of contempt/roll into baptism of fire. like you’re really going to throw away the potential for depth and development for one of the main characters that’s the constant contrast to your main character. idk it was just nice to see how dandelion’s character changed to be more mature with essi in the room bc that’s his little sister ;w;

also can i just say the subplot with sh’eenaz and duke agloval annoyed me to no end. the message of the main plot is supposed to be that a little sacrifice for love is actually a really large sacrifice, and geralt refuses to hold any resentment against yennefer anymore because he realizes that she has sacrificed a lot for him and he hasn’t in return:

“A little sacrifice isn’t enough here; you’d have to sacrifice everything, and there’d still be no way of knowing if that would be enough (...) Now I know that a little sacrifice is a hell of a lot.” 

but then sh’eenaz loses her fishy tail for duke agloval ON TOP of all of the sacrifices she has made for him before? i can’t deal with this, i call bullshit. the duke has NO redeeming qualities and i still can’t see them as a couple because he was such a dick. so this relationship being part of what demonstrates “a little sacrifice” really just serves to muddle the message of the short story

i have an idea to rewrite the whole thing so to make essi x sh’eenaz real (there is potential in this ship) and the message clearer. i think there should be no romance between essi and geralt because it’s weird and for a character who is basically just Younger & Female Dandelion to immediately fall hard and fast in love with geralt is eye-rolling. i get that it’s about the message and themes of the story and not about the characters, i understand this, the characters actually matter very little, but the message would even be clearer if sh’eenaz had left the duke for essi, because it would show that sh’eenaz has already sacrificed, she’s already done so much, and because the duke never reciprocated, she left him and found love with a better person. and that could be geralt’s wakeup call that a little sacrifice really is a hell of a lot, it would send him hightailing to apologize to yennefer or at least communicate to her that he appreciates her sacrifices that she has made for him, because if you don’t appreciate the sacrifices, you will lose your loved ones.

also ofc i’d involve gerlion and all of this because i feel like there is this weird, buried trail of gerlion vs geryennefer running throughout the sword of destiny, here is my “im looking at this too closely” analysis of the path of how gerlion and geryennefer both get to exist:

bounds of reason - geralt is of course still on good terms with dandelion, but needs to mend things with yennefer, and he manages to do so by the end of the story, also dandelion and yennefer are mildly antagonistic to each other (i also cross out That Comment/Joke/Scene from my mind just fyi, its really just horrible and out of place so i cant consider it as canon)

a shard of ice - geralt and yennefer still have feelings for each other but end up separated by the end of the short story because of insecurities relating to their capacities for love and their relationships with others: there is this contrast between yennefer and istredd, which is a long relationship of friendship and istredd is someone yennefer goes to when she needs security that she will be loved, geralt is someone in contrast that she is very passionately in love with and isn’t really thinking about longtime reliability with

eternal flame - geralt and yennefer have called it quits for now, dandelion also just broke up with his girlfriend, geralt and dandelion meet in a city and decide to get smashed together. that situation alone calls for a single eyes emoji. but id like to point out the parallel here between yen/istredd and geralt/dandelion, dandelion is someone geralt goes to for security in that he will be loved, that his company will be liked and appreciated. also one of the stupidest things ive come up with is that “eternal flame” does mean some romantic interest who’s been in your life seemingly forever and you’ll always love, and the story IS called... ok anyways.... at the end of the story we are presented with this weirdly emotional scene as dudu changes into dandelion because from being geralt for a few seconds, he knows his thoughts and knows that geralt will never use violence against him & that he’ll let him go... this is a very interesting scene because of how comic the rest of the story is in tone

a little sacrifice [rewritten] - so my take on this would be that geralt and dandelion have unresolved and unacknowledged closeness and it’s eating at the both of them. geralt is just annoying because he doesn’t think he’s ‘normal’ enough for love, basically nothing really needs to change except the last 3 to 4 chapters... they still have the argument in bed, they still go to investigate the dragon’s teeth together. just instead of essi randomly confessing the all-consuming, obsessive romantic feelings for geralt that she developed in less than 35 pages, dandelion and geralt are the ones sitting down just discussing what is going on with their relationship that has been developed in-depth for i guess five short stories now (including the voice of reason) and around 15 to 20 in-universe years that have not had any affect on their ages because that’s narrative for you. instead of geralt having to console a lovesick girl crying over him and thinking that he can’t make this little sacrifice, the theme of sacrifice for love is carried over by a discussion of how much they have already sacrificed for one another over the years, and contributes to the redux theme of “sacrifice for love needs to be reciprocated.” simultaneously, after sh’eenaz leaves the duke for a better option, geralt realizes the meaning of a little sacrifice and realizes how he has acted poorly towards yennefer, and seeks to make things right with her again. THUS we can have both ships and they wont conflict.

the sword of destiny - holy shit none of this romance drama shit matters AFTER ALL. actually it’s the CHILD which has been important all of this time, and it’s time to be responsible or invite doom across the threshold... ah wait okay doom has already entered the house. doom is eating tostitos and bean dip.

something more - following consequences of the end of the sword of destiny. obviously about ciri but yennefer and dandelion also have incredibly significant scenes in this short story and i think it’s just to represent that they’re also important in geralt’s life

beginning of blood of elves - yennefer and dandelion actually have a good conversation about everything including geralt and they basically matrue up and agree to never be hostile towards each other ever again. they both see that the others give him something that they cannot, and they’re not in competition with each other at all

tl;dr

[gayberdnird]

FUCK okay so like. CW for suicide mention but like

Have you ever learned something about someone that like. Completely changes your view about them? Cus my mom told me about something that happened to her sister's ex husband which prompted. maybe the wildest response i ever heard (from someone i knew irl at least)

First off, my aunt was married to some guy, who divorced her shortly after the wedding and?? I think kicked her out of the house??? I was honestly surprised they got married in the first place, i remember learning she had dumped her last bf to get with this guy only to find out months later she was getting married to him. 

so like. The guy was apparently an asshole for divorcing her, i wouldnt know, this part is secondhand from my mother and the aunt lives states away so i just. Dont see her. Dont talk to her. Only thing that matters is he was the one that broke it off and it was completely surprising to everyone on my aunt’s side. he even kicked her out of the house which kinda sucks cus she had a house before meeting him that she left to move in w him but. yknow. shit happens. she signed a prenup.

But one day he called her up just. Sobbing. Sounding hysterical. My only guess to why his 'terrible ex wife' was the first person he called (after the cops) was bc he, like many unfortunate men, are not allowed to form emotional attachments to ppl other than their wives cus rah, men dont talk about feelings. Its fucked. I hope he gets therapy. More men need therapy.

ANYWAY. So this old man has a son whos grown enough to have three sons of his own. And the ex husband's son, lets call him greg, he had a friend who was in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship with this woman. He's had a very rough life, and it didn't seem to be getting better. I really feel bad for this guy, for so many reasons.

I'm missing some details bc my mom was just confusing me so much with all the ppl she had to juggle discussing, but for some reason, this guy, Greg's friend, goes to Greg's house one day. He talks with greg, drinks some beers, and then goes to one of Greg's son's bedrooms.

He takes a shotgun to his head

Greg's (YOUNG) sons were at home!! One of them was in the next room!! He heard the shot, he discovered the body, he's (last i heard) going to therapy. the only lucky thing about him is his grandpa is rich because fuck. imagine having to deal with that without help

So Greg called his dad and the dad called my aunt (remember, his ex who he divorced bitterly) to cry to her about how horrified he is, the sight of it haunts him and his son and his grandsons, how are they going to clean all the mess, etc

And my aunt, being a little healthier than said ex in that she has more than one support system in place, calls her friend whos also my cousin's god mother.

(Ive only met her a handful of times, i have had absolutely no opinion of her as we never directly talked. In fact, I was surprised after a day of school by my mother as she. Drove me for like two hours to a funeral home for said godmother's late husband. I was wearing the most colorful and garish outfit at the time and had never seen a dead body before. And she hadnt even told me he died until the drive over. It was. Fucking surreal)

So after telling this story to said godmother, who probably knows exactly how bad the divorce was (and has DEALTH WITH DEATH BEFORE BEING A WIDOW AND ALL), the godmother went "See! This is his karma"

Like. WHAT

A man. Is dead. Kids are traumatized. At least five people are forever having to deal with this image and this knowledge and this experience for the rest of their lives, and you say?? Karma??? For a messy divorce??!?!??! What the FUCK????

[eerienature]

Now it's my turn🙈💚 1, 2, 8, 11, 13, 15, 20, 21, 24, 27, 30, 37, 42, 56, 57 and 59 sorry that this is late🙈💙

ayyyyyyy my guy! ❤️

1) selfie

ditto so I’ll dm you em! x

2) what would you name your future kids?:

so i’ve always liked the name layla because i really admire the beauty of a night sky but then it literally means sheep in aapni zerbaan so ye lol; i think the name marina is pretty too like the whole nature element, i liked marwa as well till my sister said it sounds like ‘marijuana’ which just ruined it for me totally lol; yusuf is a nice one, you know because of his whole story which i just find really moving and im sure i had some more prophet names which i really like but none of em spring to mind at the mo

8) have you ever cried because you were so annoyed? 

yesssss so the other day i was dress rehearsing for an interview (pray i get the job! x) and none of my smart-wear would fit so i just angry cried it out; i have bipolar as well and before i was on the right meds i’d do that daily but now i seem to be doing a lot better alhamdulilah

11) are you listening to music right now? 

astaghfirullah sister skskskk but naa i stopped listening to music about a year ago i feel like it just dragged me down might just be me but like even the uplifting stuff has melancholic vibes to it 

13) how do you feel right now?

so like i think i missed my meds this morning and at round 7pm i got this really intense agitation where my mood randomly switched within the space of like an hour and i got angry that i was angry but now that im home and talking to you i feel a lot better - I was really on one earlier on in the day when we were messaging tho bc i was like ‘OMG IVE FOUND A NEW FRENNNNN’ which is a huge positive for me!

15) personality description

aaaaaaa i could go on forever, hope you enjoy the cv! so im a really perceptive person - i have a strong insight into my own situations and mindset as well as those of others (a positive side to mental illness i think, like the whole self awareness aspect) i’ve been told im ‘compelling’ which is an incredible personality trait to have! i have a mad sense of humour, talkative, very outgoing, very extroverted and i love a good bit of banter with the right people, love meeting new people and hearing their perspectives too. I’m very intellectual, i love discussions and acquiring knowledge and anything which makes you think or reevaluate your current opinions! but ya im really proud of my identity purely bc i genuinely didnt think i’d make it past 16 (suicidal depression, self harm, mad mania, abuse, overdoses, etc) but like alhamdulilah here i am and i think its my perseverance and my relationship w god which i really admire - im really proud of who i’ve become! (but i mean theyre trying to stamp a personaity disorder diagnosis onto me so i guess i could be chatting bubbles and all this could be totally subjective *x files theme toon plays*)

20) what is your favourite song at the moment?

i mean i hear the odd bop over the radio every now n then n the ‘JUST BC ITS OVER DOESNT MEAN ITS REALLY OVER N IF I THINK IT OVER MAYBE YOU’LL BE COMING OVER AGAINNNN’ song just really seems to get me

21) age and birthday?

ahh see i feel like an old granny ting now compared to you! i’m 20 and my birthdays the 5th of april so i guess we’re both april babies!

24) height

5′2 but i dont look as short as i sound i swear lol

27) things i hate

im no longer a hateful person like even the people i hate i pray for but bidah has got to be #1 without a single doubt, aside from that its all the usual stuff such as bigots, nonces, etc

30) favourite tv shows

mostly stuff on netflix like at the moment im watching ‘sacred games’ and ive never been into the whole bollywood vibe but i swear ive been missing out like! peaky blinders is amazing and tommy is beautiful i dont care if hes my dads age, bedlam was incredible, period dramas like victoria n bbcs les mis are really good, you should check out this is england, shameless, dark and NSU: german history they are mint; i love a good documentary as well

37)  favourite actor/actress

angelina jolie i think! like i have an entire hashtag dedicated to her so ya i guess shes the one!

42) favourite books

kite runner and a thousand splendid suns (defo recommend them both yasmin esp tss - if you ever do read it give us a shout and ill send you the coursework i did for it in Alevel!)

56) favourite food

ben and jerries along with cookie dough are my absolute weaknesses but im inshlla cutting down on sugar so we’ll see if anything changes w those ones!

57) favourite animals

cats for sure! mines called marno shes now 5 alhamdulilah and she is my life n soul - i like dogs but they get over excited way to easily which startles me a bit esp as im v spaced out a lot of the time so a dog tryna hug me is like arghh wyd but i mean i admire their intentions lol that n the fact theyre najis is also bit of a problem for me (whups)

59) why i joined tumblr

so i think i came across tumblr on a random google search n i figured it’d be a good form of self expression n a good emotional outlet esp as i was in a v v bad mind-space at the time so i felt i needed something to call my own which eventually became my lil blog - but ye if you go allllllll the way back to my old reblogs its literally just those black and white depression posts and gifs which is actually really upsetting to me; like although im no longer in that place anymore tumblr continues to be a very good therapeutic outlet so im v grateful for that ❤️

and thats all! thanks for reading this far b and feel free to ask me any other questions, i enjoy answering them! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

[osmw1]

Dimension Wave   Chapter 13 — Cheesy

I’m standing in front of the cave. In my hand is my fishing rod with a sinker threaded onto the line.

“Let’s do this then.”

They silently nod in response and I cast my line. I have fine control over my rod, thanks to Fishing Mastery IV. The hook sinks right into the Lizardman Dark Knight. It probably dealt a point or two of damage, but it can hardly be called an attack. But it did exactly what I wanted it to—pulling its aggro.

“It’s comin’! Get ready, everybody!”

I’m not even sure if I did any damage to it, but it’s rushing towards us at the speed of lightning. If this were any other monster, we’d be instantly destroyed, but…

Kaboom!

The Lizardman Dark Knight slammed into the mouth of the cave accompanied by a terrible crash. Yup. The Lizardman Dark Knight doesn’t fit through the entrance. There are a lot of games where you can trap monsters by getting them to clip against objects. It’s an easy way to level up, but devs usually patch stuff like this out pretty quickly. Fortunately, it works in Dimension Wave. And it goes without saying that there’s a chance of it not working, but after discussing it between the three of us, we decided to try it out.

“Let’s kick its ass!” “Understood!” “Aye!”

The rest was straightforward. All we had to do was use the weapons and skills we had to and keep on attacking the trapped monster. I took out my Cetus Longsword and started hacking away at the trapped Lizardman Dark Knight too.

Unfortunately, I don’t think I’m doing too much damage. My strikes connect with a dull clank. I couldn’t tell from a distance, but now I know that it’s not only clad in armor but also covered in scales. Its defense is accordingly high too. I look over and see Shouko endlessly thrusting and swinging as well. Yamikage has some kind of scroll-shaped magic tome by his mouth and begins chanting. Moments after, a black visual effect appears, and he starts absorbing green orbs from the Lizardman Dark Knight.

That’s probably his Drain, a dark magic spell. Shouko and I aren’t using any skills though. We don’t know how much HP this boss has, so it’d be hard to guess if we’d make up any energy expended.

“This guy is literally so tough. Can you even win fighting normally?” “I have heard talk of a party defeating it before.”

We strike up a conversation, but our hands hadn’t stopped.

“’Tis naught but a rumor, but supposedly, they had tanks occupying the monster while they blasted it with light magic from a distance.” “I see. Its physical defense is as high as it looks to be.”

It’s just a guess, but I don’t think we’re quite fit to fight this Lizardman Dark Knight. The folding fan doesn’t do much damage and Drain is a dark-type skill. Our chances of winning are zero if not for cheesing it. My attacks make an unpleasant clank when I hit it and that’s with my strongest weapon I have. Oh, and if I had to say, I think a metal axe or even a blunt melee weapon would fare much better.

“In any case, if it doesn’t make any strange movements, we can just keep on wailing on it.” “Okay!” “Aye!”

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step is what they say. Just gotta keep at it.

Thirty minutes later.

“I-It’s still standing. How much freakin’ HP does this bastard have…”

If we get too close, it’ll strike back at us. We’re barely managing to outrange it. Especially with Shouko. The range on her fan is short, so she’s gotta occasionally parry its attacks. Not to mention, the AI causes it to try to run away from time to time. Naturally, I summon it back with my fishing rod. Seeing how I’m able to manage that says a lot about how smart the AI is.

“Perhaps it has regenerating capabilities.” “Nay. ‘Tis but because our offense is lacking.”

Well, that’s true, but I’m about average, I’d say. It’s been seemingly forever since we’ve attacked this monster, resulting in its armor crumbling and even scales ripped off. Still, it’s tough mentally to keep this up for a whole hour on a single monster.

“Be nourishment for my spirit. Drain!”

Yamikage’s been spamming Drain endlessly for 30 minutes and now even has more Energy than Shouko. That’s to say, he has about 27,000 right now. The Lizardman Dark Knight sure has a lot of HP.

“Whoa?”

As soon as the familiar green orbs get drained by Yamikage, the Lizardman Dark Knight moved in a peculiar way like nothing seen before. It keeled over with a deafening wheeze. It crumbles and slams onto the ground while luckily, causing no earthquakes.

“Hath it finally perished?” “Hey! That’s a death flag right there!” “Hmm, aye. I have left my younger sister behind in my hometown. Therefore, death must wait!”

… god damnit. I like his enthusiasm.

“Goodness… whatever are you two doing?”

Shouko shot a chilling glance over at us while confirming that the enemy is dead. Bosses feign death too. I raise my guard and get closer.

“Be wary. It may be feigning death.” “Gotcha.” “That is unlikely.” “Why’s that?” “Dark it may be, but it is still a knight. I believe it would have more honor than to do something so cowardly.”

Hmm, she’s got a point. It’s normally the demons and tribals that play dead, I think. Well, I guess the Lizardmen are a tribe, but still, it’s a knight. It should be honorable. More honorable than us, at least. We’re the one who trapped it and cheesed it to death. But ignore that.

“As for drops… we obtain a Fragment of Darkness and Dark Spear Splinter.” “We may sell those for a hefty sum.”

It’ll make us a good bit of coin, though I’m not exactly broke. Well, it doesn’t hurt to have more money. According to Yamikage, that two-handed spear is a material and a very desirable one for spear-wielders because of its dark element.

“Such is the prowess of a gutting-type weapon, true to what the rumors say.”

The real issue now is what to do. I glance over to Shouko and give her a look. Honestly, I want to gut it. I don’t think I’d get another chance to gut it. And likely, what we’d get from the monster would be really good for weapons and armor. A side of me is saying to keep the secret but the other side of me really wants the boss loot.

“We’re buddies that took down a boss together, so I guess I’ll tell ya…”

There ain’t nothin’ better than boss drops.

“If you are fine with it, Kizuna, then I believe it is for the best as well.” “Hmm? What is the meaning of this?” “Well, just watch. Speed Gutting…”

After chanting the skill, I take my Cetus Longsword and start to butcher up the giant Lizardman Dark Knight. I can’t do anything about the armor and scales broken off of it, but I can harvest the rest of his scales, bones, flesh, teeth, eyes, skin, tail, and even blood. But, for some reason, I can’t make use of what I broke off of it in the fight. It’s like the complete opposite of that certain monster hunting game.

“Egads…”

Yamikage mutters out in shock. Since this is a boss monster, I got as much material as I did from the Giant Herring. The Giant Herring must’ve been the boss of its species too.

“What on earth is this? Hath the items increased? Doth gutting-type weapons not increase our drops?” “It is poorly explained in the manual, but this is the proper way of using a gutting weapon.” “Never have I been more surprised in this world before!”

I can’t tell whether he’s really that surprised or his acting is just overboard, but his words are filled with zeal. Well, even if he tells everyone about this, we can still make plenty of cash if we sell these boss items quick enough.

“Then, shall I keep this a secret too?” “Huh?” “It seems as though Misses Kizuna and Hakoniwa were both keeping this undisclosed. As gratitude for saving my life, I, too, shall bring this secret to my grave.” “W-Well, I’d appreciate it if you would…”

And to think he had almost killed us. I’m glad he changed his mind. If he’ll keep it a secret, then I really don’t have any problems with him.

“However, I doth have an issue to discuss…” “What is it?” “May I perhaps join your party?” “… why?” “I have been playing alone up till now.” “Is that right?”

Shouko questions him. He’s got such a weird build. It’s no wonder no one’s letting him in their party. I almost blurted that out loud, but I held my tongue.

“It may hath been on your tongues already, but I have a communication disorder.” “…?”

… what was that? Unfortunately, I had no clue. Some might think his roleplaying is over the top, but I think most enjoy it. At least Alto or Romina wouldn’t have a problem with it.

“Many times, I have wished to join a party, but I always end up unable to.” “I am sorry to hear.”

Shouko’s totally starting to let her guard down. It totally reeks of a scam.

“Question.” “Aye?” “You said you have a communication disorder, but you’re talkin’ to us just fine.” “Speaking like this—like a ninja—seems to help.”

What kind of reasoning is that? At least come up with a better excuse.

“Mine heart is pounding as we speak now.” “Goodness! Kizuna, let her travel with us. We are fellow Spirits after all!”

What is this feeling? Like I’m watching my friends getting swindled? W-Well, I guess a party wouldn’t be too bad… hmm?

“What did you just say?” “We are fellow Spirits after all?” “No, before that.” “We should travel with her? “Yeah. ‘Her’?”

Yamikage’s wrapped up in all black. That’s not something you could tell at first glance. There’s even black cloth wrapped around their mouth, so it’s hard to tell by their voice.

“I am embarrassed to show my true face in front of others, but if we are to fight together, then please, look at me.”

Saying that, Yamikage unravels the black cloth…

—and reveals a beauty girl with silver hair.

contents: /prologue/ /ch001/ /ch002/ /ch003/ /ch004/ /ch005/ /ch006/ /ch007/ /ch008/ /ch009/ /ch010/ /ch011/ /ch012/ /ch013/ /next/

(please support me on Patreon or Paypal)

[vld-spoilers-blog]

ive been awake all night. i own voltron now. heres season 7

-once the crew has found a planet to camp at for a night lance and allura have an honest sit down. allura thanks lance for being there for her during the whole loturd mess, and also admits that the mice spilled the beans about lances crush on her. allura says that she respects lance as a person and paladin, but after everything thats happened, shes not ready for a relationship, and she feels they work better as friends than they would partners. lance is obvs heartbroken, but supports her and understands what shes gone through and what she needs/wants. after this discussion their friendship grows even stronger.

-keith and crew take a moment to just... appreciate that theyre alive, that everyone is okay despite the hardships theyve endured. the team bonds w krolia and the wolf dog and they discuss the last 2 fucking years. keith and lance break off from everyone and have a convo along the lines of “hey man i missed you, im glad youre okay/i respect how you/we’ve grown”, where lance semi admits to the one sided rivalry as a coping mechanism for feeling insecure, and now that shiro almost died and all the other shit hes realized that he needs to put all that behind him and continue maturing like keith has.

-the journey to earth is long af considering they dont have a teleduv to wormhole them across the galaxy, which means hours of them all flying in their lions playing ‘i spy’ ‘20 questions’ ‘never have i ever’ etc to pass the time and “bond”. of course the paladins are gonna have some kinda trick contest w their lions bc flying for hours on end gets boring as shit. also? roadtrip sing a longs started by hunk and pidge which end up lasting for hours w almost everyone chiming in depending on what song theyre singing. during this time pidge and hunk work on a replacement prosthetic for shiro which is sick as FUCK. 

-once they finally make it to earth, first thing lance does is find a phone and call his family. like fuck the government, fuck the garrison, this boy is calling his family they need to know hes okay. of course he cries on the phone w them. hunk calls his moms and pidge contacts her mom and dad, matt fully joined team voltron on their way to earth bc by god hes not gonna go see his family all together again. keith and shiro visit keiths shack/wherever shiro and keith lived before the kerberos mission. ummm shiro has a husband named theo like that one post ill link when i have the energy, so they go and find theo and shiro and his husband just,, sob into each other. shiro feels like this is the first time he can breathe in years: being back on earth with his team and keith and his husband there and hes no longer connected to the galra and hes just,,, ALIVE. 

-team voltron is cordially invited to dinner at lance’s familys house which is just a mad house considering how many people there are when u combine his family and team voltron lmao. but they all get along so well and its the happiest the team has ever seen lance, dudes talking a mile a minute and laughing with his siblings and giving his parents the tenderest looks like if keith wasnt already in love w lance hes fucked up now. lances siblings DEFINITELY tease him about his obvious crush on keith theyre like, “youve been back home for 5 minutes and weve already seen you make goo goo eyes at keith 3 times”. 

-lance is out on the back porch after dinner after sunset, listening to the waves crash on the beach that sits a block away from his family home, smiling at the din of voices he can hear from inside his warmly lit house. keith steps outside to join him, to which lance quips about it being too cramped for keiths liking: 

“actually, it’s.. nice. youre family is really special lance, i can see why you missed them so much.”

“i did. its funny - i dreamt about being back home every night up in space, but now that im here it doesnt feel real.”

keith hums and moves closer to lance, resting his hip on the railing of the porch. he quirks his lips into a smirk “it’s definitely real, considering that your sister showed me all of your middle school theater pictures. i couldnt make that kind of awkward tween imagery up.” lance sucks in a breath and groans, turning his body towards keiths. “please dont tell me she showed you pictures of my role as mercutio in romeo and juliet when i was in 8th grade...” keiths turns his gaze back towards the house, his grin showing absolute mirth and... tenderness as he nods. he shrugs and scuffs his boot across the porch boards, “i thought it was cute.” 

their eyes lock, searching each other as they shyly smile. “careful kogane,” lance says, his eyes glinting, “get all mushy on me, i might think you like me or something.” keith leans forward, his bangs falling over his eyes. “i do like you, i never disliked you.” hesitantly, lance reaches upward and brushes the hair away from keiths forehead, his fingers lingering near keiths temple. “neither did i.” lance breathes. their eyes meet again, challenging each other to move, and so lance does. in one careful motion, he brings his hand down to cup keith’s jaw, angling him so that they align perfectly as lance brings their lips together.

inside the house the familiar chatter continues, and lance has never felt like hes belonged anywhere more than now.

-during their time on earth, allura meets a wonderful girl named erin whos patient with her and caring and admires allura in every way, but meets her w enough fire to keep allura on her toes. allura falls in love with her the moment she sees erin smile.

-since lotors cis ass is gone voltron essentially takes his position as head of the galra empire?? like the people who chose to follow lotor cant necessarily go to sendak bc their traitors to him, and leaving the empire to form another doesnt offer much protection, so team voltron releases the planets that they had under their control and team up w the galran army against sendaks “empire” and rip that bitch to pieces lmao

-after the big ol battle everyone retires back to earth where they all live together/relatively close to each other since they cant imagine being apart from their family after everything theyve been through together. shay leaves her planet and comes to live on earth w hunk after a while, and earth becomes a hub of peaceful human and alien life.

im real tired so this might not make a whole lot of sense but anyway shiro retires, lance becomes black paladin and keith goes back to red, bi lance is canon king, allura and lance are the wlw/mlm solidarity we deserve, everyone on team voltron deserves to be happy. in this essay i will-

[harleyquilt]

A painful price

Summary: A angst fic. That’s all I’m saying. Requested by @bhion-chan

Notes: …o.o

Everything was hectic, everyone in a panicked frenzy as touka, the Queen and my loving wife, went into labour. It started two hours ago and yet it already felt like days have passed by. My heart wouldn’t stop racing ever since this started and a sickening fear ate away at my mind at the thought that anything horrible could happen at any moment.

The pregnancy hadn’t been easy on touka these past nine months and saying that would be an understatement. The child had drained all her energy, every meal she ate, whether that be human food or meat, would only be threw up moments later. She was weak and showed no improvement.

In a moment of sheer desperation, I had went as far as to suggest that perhaps…It would have been better if we didn’t have the baby at this moment of time. Touka, of course, refused such a proposal, despite my desperate pleads for her safety. This child meant everything to her, so how could I have refused her of this precious gift?

I don’t know what to think anymore.

We had urgently called for doctors from the Great Wheel act and hoped that they could help with delivering the baby. They came soon enough and took touka into the next room where they were already prepared for the delivery. I, on the other hand, stayed in the next room with the others and paced back and forth constantly, my lip sore from the amount of times I bit it out of nervousness. My hands wouldn’t stop shaking either, my whole body tensed with a persistent voice inside me that fed me words of fear and bitterness. She won’t make it, it told me, she won’t survive.

Forcibly, I pushed back this voice and decided to focus on what’s important. It was a miracle that the baby made it this far to begin with, everyone seemingly convinced that it would have been consumed by touka, considering the mixture of genes within the child. But touka, that wonderful woman, refused to lose hope. It amazed me, in a way, that she held so strong to her faith that it would live on, that we could finally have a family to call our own. With her persistent positivity, I also began to look forward to seeing the baby. Our baby.

“Kaneki,” Nishiki rested a hand on my shoulder, pulling me away from my thoughts. “She’ll be alright. Don’t worry.”

I nodded solemnly, my arms crossed and my brows furrowed. His words were sincere, but they did very little to calm my nerves. This waiting game was tearing me apart…

“Onii-chan,” Hinami walked into the room. She had stayed with touka since the labour started, supporting her sister by her side and handled the situation very calmly, something I was very grateful for.

I looked up and walked over to her side almost instantly, eager for answers or any form of good news whilst I also silently prayed that nothing terrible had happened in my absence.

“She’s doing well.” Hinami reassured me, seeming to have read my unspoken questions from my permanently worried expression. “You should go see her.”

I nodded once again and moved passed her to the next room. As soon as I opened the door, I could already hear touka’s pained groans as the doctors rushed around her. I moved around them and to touka’s side - she was lying down on one of the spare beds, dressed in a hospital gown and her back propped up with many cushions. She was drenched in sweat, her hair stuck onto her forehead and her face scrunched up as the contractions sent more waves of agony through her. I sat next to her and grabbed her hand, to which she instantly laced her fingers through mine. After the contraction passed, she sat back and panted heavily, her heavy eyelids opened slowly to lock onto mine.

“Kaneki.” She breathed, a wry smile formed on her quivering lips. “You’re here.”

“Of course.” I smiled back. “I’ll always be here for you, touka chan.”

Her smile grew until it abruptly changed back into a pained grimace.

“Shit.” She cursed. “Why can’t this little shit get out of me already?”

“You’re doing very well.” One of the doctors said. “However, I am concerned for your RC count so we’re going to-”

“What?” My heart stopped beating for a moment and my hand unconsciously squeezed touka’s. “Will…will she be alright?”

“Of course, we’ve got it under control.” He then turned to one of the nurses. “Prepare an IV drip.”

All of a sudden, I couldn’t think straight. My fear forced it’s way back into my mind and my hope started to falter, quickly crumbling as I looked back down to touka with wide eyes. I can’t lose her, not yet. Not now. Please.

She watched my eyes and saw that fear consume me, leaning up to give me a very soft kiss against my trembling lips.

“It’s fine, kaneki.” Touka squeezed my hand. “I’m going to be fine. Don’t worry.”

“It’s my job to worry.” However, I allowed her words to sink in, her gentle tone soothed my mind and I soon relaxed again. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“You softie.” Touka sighed.

Things go well once the doctors set up the IV drip and touka regained some of her energy, with minor contractions occurring every so often. For now, I could finally breath again as I saw my wife beaming with joy and anticipation, despite her pale complextion. I didn’t know how she did it, but she continued to trudge onwards, even with all these tough obsticles thrown at her. There was a sense of admiration within me whenever I witnessed this part of her, knowing nothing could break her and as long as she’s by my side, I know nothing could break me either.

As time passed by, touka and I continued to discuss names for the baby. She came up with…interesting names, to say the least, but I tried my best to come up with more agreeable names.

“Touka, Sakari is not a name.” I tried to tell her for the fifth time. “Do you mean Sakura?”

“No,” she huffed. “Sakari is what I meant. What’s wrong with it?”

“It’s just…what about Akari, then?” She shook her head stubbornly and then came up with another entirely ridiculous name. “Wah- Touka, Ajari isn’t a name either.”

“Says who?” She snapped, her brows raised as I watched in astonishment at her serious expression.

Before I could answer, however, she cried out in pain and lunged forward as another contraction came by. She grabbed onto my arm and her nails dug into my skin. I tried not to wince at the pain and instead gave her words of reassurance whilst the pain subsided.

“I hate this.” She moaned, sitting back and breathed heavily.

“I know. You’re doing amazing.” I told her softly, stroking back her damp hair and kissed her forehead lightly. Though I watched her eyes flutter before they fell shut and her breathing became slow. “Touka-chan?” I asked worringly.

“Sorry.” She said after a moment. My heart went wild with my body tensed. “I’m just…tired.”

“Doctor, how much longer?” I asked impatiently, my voice tight.

“She’s doing well, it won’t be much longer.” But I noticed him looking worried for a moment before he raised his head to look back at me. I saw nurses taking away blood soaked towels and the sight made my stomach churn.

“What’s wrong?” I asked immediately.

“It’s under control, it’s just…” His eyes darted to touka as she let out another scream of agony, spouting out curses before kaneki started to rub her back until the contraction passed. “She’s losing quite a bit of blood.”

“W-What?” I stammered, my throat suddenly tight like I’m being suffocated, his words repeated endlessly in my mind that was already beginning to shatter.

No.

No.

Please no.

Not touka.

Please not touka.

Please…

“Kaneki.” Her voice cut through my dazed panic, her hands cupping my face. The cold chill that ran through me was replaced with the warmth of touka’s voice. She was looking intently into my eyes, a gentle smile on her tired face. “I told you, didn’t I? I’m going to be fine. I promise.”

How did I deserve such a goddess?

I nod slightly and place my hands over her hands, my head leaned against hers. I shut my eyes and took in the feeling of her touch, her ever so gentle touch, and took a deep breath. I can’t think like this now; she needed me and so I must remain strong for her, just as she had done for me. I will be the husband she deserved.

“Ok, touka-chan.” I pulled back and turned my head to kiss her palm. “I’m here for you.”

After some time, I leave to get myself some coffee, which touka insisted I do and as I prepared one, ayato came up to me, a concerned look written across him.

“How is she?” He asked before I could open my mouth. I’ve never seen him so scared as he bit into his clenched fists and his body was unable to keep still for a second, shifting his weight between his feet constantly.

“She’s doing fine.” I said, but my mind flashed back to the doctor’s words.

She’s losing quite a bit of blood.

I almost knocked over my cup and ayato scolded me for daydreaming at such a time but softened when he saw my hands tightly gripping the edge of the counter.

“She’s strong, kaneki.” He told me. “This brat is nothing to the things she’s went up against. If she could make it then, she can now.”

I tried to smile at his kind words, but it didn’t seem to settle my racing heart. Ayato saw that I was still tense and decided to change the topic and asked what I thought the gender of the baby would be.

“I think,” I said. “It might be a boy. It’s what touka thought too but I don’t know…something tells me that it might be a girl instead.”

“Hina wants it to be a girl.” Ayato smiled, laughing a little at himself. “Wants to share all the things she has with them. I wouldn’t mind either way. I think hinami would make a good sister to the brat. Or auntie…wait, what is she to the kid anyway?”

“I guess hinami would prefer to be more of a sister. However, I think you would make for a great uncle.” I laughed when I saw Ayato’s face scrunch up to such words. He hadn’t seemed to have accepted himself as an uncle, the idea so overwhelming for him.

“Whatever. You should head back to touka. She needs someone to hold onto before she knocks a nurse out out of frustration.” Ayato chuckled at the thought and parted ways with me as I headed back towards the room touka was in.

Then I hear another scream.

I rushed into the room and my eyes immediately darted to the sheer amount of blood right before me. I hardly heard my cup smash into the ground as I felt the bile rise up my throat and was unable to take my eyes away from the blood spilled across the sheets touka laid on. My shaking knees buckled beneath me when I looked back to touka’s frail expression, my mind ringing and my heart thudding to the point I thought it would burst out my chest at any second.

Somehow, I managed to force myself to her side and held onto her hand again. Her breathing was raspy and shallow, her eyes distant and her muscles weak and sore. Slowly, after hearing my voice call out her name quietly, she turned her head shakily towards me. And yet…she was smiling. Always smiling.

“Y-You’re going to be fine.” I forced my words out in hardly a whisper.

Did I believe that?

“The baby will be out soon.”

Is that true?

“And then we’re gonna be together.”

I felt my tears run down my face as I swallowed the lump stuck in my throat.

“Remember? We’re gonna start our own family, just like we said we would.”

Her hand is so cold.

“Touka…”

“Ken.” She sat up a little, but her back quickly began to arch as the pain overwhelmed her.

“I can see the head!” The doctor shouts. “Stop the bleeding-”

“Ken.” Touka said again. “I’m gonna make it.”

“You will.” I nodded and held her close. There was a harsh intake of air before she yelled out, her eyes becoming watery and she bit her lip hard before the tears could fall.

Even now, she was so beautiful.

“Ken, do you still have the ring?” She asked weakly.

“What?”

“The ring.” She screamed before throwing her head back and her eyes squeezed shut. “Do you have it?”

“Y-Yes.” I pulled it out, her eyes locked onto the gold band and smiled with relief. “Why?”

“Good.” She ignored my question before she continued to writhe in agony. I tried to ignore the rush of doctor and nurses and focused only on my wife.

“It’s nearly out,” the doctor said. “Just keep pushing.”

I offered touka the same encouragement and within the next few moments and an almost broken hand, the baby was finally out. I let out a breath I didn’t knew I held and rested my head against touka’s shoulder and she laid her head on top of mine. I finally made myself look up to a very exhausted touka, only to find her laughing hysterically.

“You little shit.” She laughed. “Causing me all this pain. I’m never having kids again.”

I was stunned by her response, especially considering what had just happened, but when I saw her bright yet tired smile as she looked back towards me, her tears of joy rolling down her flushed cheeks, I couldn’t contain my own laughter and joined her in her laughing fit.

For a moment, everything seemed so…perfect.

The nurse came over soon after, a bundle of towels in her hand with a small baby wrapped within them.

“It’s a girl.”

A girl. A beautiful baby girl. Our baby girl.

Once the nurse placed our newborn child into touka’s arms, I finally got a closer look. She was so, so small. Her lips formed a mini pout as her little hands reached up. Touka lifted a hand and our daughter grabbed hold of one of her fingers.

“Hey there, beautiful.” Touka whispered. My heart swelled at the sight, especially once our daughter gave a small smile. I felt the tears forming in my eyes again. “Guess we’re parents now, ken.”

“Yeah.” I beamed. “Guess we are.”

I gently stroked the back of my hand against our daughter’s chubby cheeks, her skin so soft and smooth. I then moved my hand down to her tiny hands and she instantly grabbed my pinkie, which was the size of her whole hand.

“She’s so tiny.” I chuckled. “What name should we give to such a small girl?”

“Mai.” Touka sighed. She leaned back, but kept her eyes on our baby. “Mai Kaneki.”

I nodded enthusiastically. Despite the weird names from earlier, mai seemed perfect. Our little, beautiful mai.

“You know…” I started to say, turning my head to get a better look at mai. “I think she looks like you, touka-chan.”

…

“Touka?”

I looked up and suddenly, the world around me shifted out of focus.

“Touka?” My voice became a pathetic rasp. “Touka? Are you asleep?”

I nudged her a little, but her eyes didn’t open, her lips didn’t part to speak. She stayed still, her expression peaceful.

“Please wake up.”

She won’t open her eyes.

“Please.”

She won’t speak.

“I need you.”

She remained still.

“We need you.”

She was peaceful.

“I’m sorry, sir.” The doctor spoke. His words were nothing more than white noise, the sudden violent urge within me started building up as my body started to shake, my words mixed with pathetic sobs.

Leave me alone.

Leave me alone.

Leave me with touka.

I don’t need anyone else.

Just me and touka.

Her face was so beautiful, yet so still. If I could convince myself, I could believe that she really was asleep. If only this sweet lie of mine was the truth. I begged for it to be the truth. Let it be the truth.

But this painful price we had to pay was far too great for even this simple wish of mine to become reality.

Looking down, though my eyes were blurred with tears, I saw a gold ring that hung around my neck and I picked it up with trembling hands.

“Touka.” I held it with clenched hands. “You can’t leave, I’m nothing without you.”

Her voice. I needed her voice. That voice that took away all of my stress and worries. That voice that told me everything would be fine. What happened to that promise? What happened to those words?

‘Kaneki…’

I could almost envision it and the warmth that always came with it.

‘It’ll be ok. Look after mai for me, would ya? I know you don’t think you can do it, but I’ll be there watching. Please stay strong. For her.’

Her voice seemed to fade away with the little reassurance I had left crumbling away. My sorrowful gaze turned to mai, who started to whimper, shifting in her wrapped blankets and I picked her up delicately, the nurse moving to place a sheet over touka.

“I’m sorry, mai.” I sobbed. “It’s just you and me, ok?”

She cried a little and her small fists clung onto my fingers as I rocked her back and forth gently. My tears fell onto her wrapped blanket and I lowered my face, my cries muffled in the sheets.

Just you and mai.

I won’t let you forget your mother, though. I’ll tell you all of her stories, of how wonderful she was, how she was the strongest woman I ever met and how I loved her more than anything. I’ll tell you how she did everything and anything to see that you would make it here and I won’t let her down by failing now. I’ll tell you these stories every day, so you won’t ever forget how amazing she was and how you will grow up to be as great as her.

It hurts so much. Just remembering it all. All those memories of her that brought me such bliss.

I wish I could just vanish and find your mother again.

But I won’t, because I have you now.

And I’m planning to keep my promise to touka because I know it will be worth it in the end when we get to see her again…