#also it reads almost like a manifest for “recognize the Determinism of that series”

[cemetegee]

Determinism in TLT

The three people who actively follow my blog will know it, but for the others I'll say it: I don't judge TLT characters personally. (Except if I want to make a point or if I want to provoke a little.) That's not because I think their actions are not bad (they often are). But thing is, I think the characters are hardly made to be judged.

We can, for example, take Ianthe, my blorbo, my wife and my love. It was, all jokes aside, surely a horrible crime to kill her cav. Besides of that, it would maybe really have been better, if she hadn't saved Jod. (I mean, we didn't know it back then, but it seems obvious regarding NtN, even if it's understandable that she doesn't wanted her loved ones to die.) She has a lot of complicated character traits as well.

But if we look at where she is from, it's obvious that she had to be like that to survive. She is manipulative? So is her sister and probably her whole House. She is unnecessary eager to reach her goals (on cost of others)? Surprise, that's what her sister is like and her whole House too!

It's extremly obvious, that all characters are basically caricatures of how their Houses are. Palamedes, the scholar, the Warden... Dulcie, the beauty that blossoms and dies... Oh, even Silas. You would think it was extremly stupid of him to fight Ianthe, but actually, based of all what we know about him, I really think he had no other choice (technically, but not practically) as fighting her for his beliefs. It's so obvious, that even the characters themselves talk about it at a point:

That means: Ianthe is maybe a questionable person, but she wouldn't have been, if she had grown up on the Sixth. Palamedes is a (comperatively) sweet person, but he isn't like that because he naturally is like that, but because he's grown up on the Sixth.

[Let's make a sad little literary class trip:

Palamedes even says himself in TUG, that from (House specific) point of view, Ianthe is not wrong. It's a very interesting moment, because a character of the series admits, that (in TLT) moral is not static, but a question of the point of view. (What's made by the circumstances (in TLT).)

]

And that's what Determinism means. It's the idea, that people don't (only) do things, because of decisions, but because of their circumstances. The idea of Determinism is really important for leftist ideas because it enables ideas like: if you put a bunch of people with no money and boredom in a quarter, crimes will happen. (The idea shifts the attention from decisions to the circumstances.)

Even if the characters of the TLT universe are able to make decisions (maybe), I think it's pretty obvious how much the books are influenced by the idea of Determinism. And therefore, even if some of the characters awake the wish in me to... Oh! What did I want to say? Anyway, I think it's important to regard the context of the characters. It's possible to judge them, but it's also interesting to do it not and look at their reasons. (What doesn't apologize them, but makes them understandable)

This post is involuntary sponsored by this horrorshow interesting post of @swordrogue. I just couldn't get it out of my mind. Please go read it, it's very interesting

[that-good-trash]

I’m Not Okay- Chapter 5. The final chapter Midoriya x reader/ Bakugou x reader

Izuku Midoriya x reader/ Katsuki Bakugou x reader

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Summary: You have struggled with mental health your whole life so why can’t you seem to get it under control. Will you be able to keep the same mask even though two of your classmates have seen under it?

Warnings: Depression, Mentions of suicide/ Attempt at suicide, Self-harm, Angst, Anxiety,

Word count: 8,582

Comment: Omg this is finally the end! I’m so sad, its bittersweet:’( . I’m sorry that its so long I decided to add both boys endings in the same chapter, I also apologize for any grammar mistakes and if any of it seems rushed. Thank all of you for reading this series and I hope to start another one soon. [I am working on the second part too my Dabi fic]. Thank everyone who has been here from the beginning and any new readers. You all make this fun and enjoyable. 

you matter and any issues you have are valid!

After you were taken to the hospital everyone wanted to hear what would happen to you. Classmates surrounded and bombarded Bakugou and Midoriya as they were escorted back into the dorm building. Mr. Aizawa couldn’t stay to watch the students since he had to go deal with the aftermath of your attempt. There were legal and security issues with how easy it was for you to have jumped off the school building. The students were supposed to be in bed but how could they go to bed when you were laying in a hospital bed alone after feeling so desperate for a way out that you jumped off a building. They had many questions, concerns, and comments about how they didn’t know this had been happening with you.

Midoriya rubbed the back of his neck, exhaustion evident in his eyes. Bakugou growled and shoved passed the ���annoying extras’, trying to get to the elevator. He wasn’t blaming any of them and yet when he looked at them, he couldn’t help but think they should have tried harder. Had you heard his thoughts you would have slapped him across the back of his head. Midoriya smiled sadly at his friends while following after Bakugou to the elevator. “Sorry guys, it’s late and I’m tired.”

He wished he had all the answers to give but he didn’t. You weren’t necessarily talkative about your issues so he really didn’t know much of what was going on with you. He just knew he wanted to be there for you. Even before this he had always watched you with gleaming eyes, you were a beacon of strength and hope to him. Bakugou would never admit to sharing things in common with his childhood friend but he did. He also would find himself watching you, how hard you pushed yourself. He would watch you train later than everyone else, your clothing covered in sweat and legs throbbing. He had caught that broken look in your eyes a few times wondering where it could be coming from. You would always roll your eye at his asshole comments and demands. You weren’t afraid to stand up to him, you’d even beat him once during a sparring match. You were strong to him and he couldn’t help but wonder how someone so strong crumbles so fast. He wasn’t a stranger to anxiety and guilt, just like Midoriya wasn’t a stranger to regret and depression. They both had some kind of idea, a sliver, of what pain you might be going through. Truly it was tragic to know that you had been dealing with this longer than it seemed to outwardly manifest itself to them. Battling bad guys was one thing, fighting internal demons was worse because you couldn’t ask for help or call for back up. It was you against the girl in the mirror, against the whispers in your ears.

“Is she gonna be okay?” Uraraka was the one who spoke, having made her way to the front of the crowd. Midoriya couldn’t help looking at her with slight disappointment. He didn’t blame her but he did feel like she was in the wrong for what she had done. Bakugou on the other hand didn’t find Uraraka innocent. He hadn’t been able to confront her due to having to find and help you. Bakugou let the elevator open his fist clenching at his sides. Midoriya walked into the elevator turning toward Bakugou with a raised brow. He was confused before his eyes widened in realization. He rushed forward as Bakugou’s hand ignited. He turned and thrust his open palm directly at the gravity girl. “KACCHAN DON’T!”

Everyone who wasn’t frozen from shock rushed to try and stop the attack. Uraraka closed her eyes and waited for the hit. It never happened. No one had to stop him because he stopped himself. He scoffed looking at her with distain as he shoved his hands into his dirty tattered pockets.

“You aren’t even worth it.” Bakugou walked into the still open elevator door his shoulder brushing a confused but relieved Midoriya. He stepped back into the elevator looking at Bakugou who was burning holes into the ground. He looked up as the door started closing. “I blame you, she doesn’t.”

Simple words with such strength and meaning behind them. They were meant to replace his fist, to leave her having to suffer internally like you had been doing for most of your life.

The chatter commenced once again between the classmates; two different hands squeezed Uraraka’s shoulder. She didn’t think she deserved comfort right now and a few different people would agree with her. Though she knew that Bakugou was right. No matter who looked at her like she was a villain, you’d forgive her. You’d never blame her, just smile and say it was your own fault. The truth was honestly more heartbreaking and Uraraka wished she hadn’t said or did what she had. While she stood in regretful silence, your two saviors were standing in the elevator. It was quiet, other than the dull hum it gave. Midoriya walked out when it stopped at his floor.

“Night Kacchan.” He had spoken so lightly that Bakugou almost didn’t catch it. Midoriya didn’t look back or wait for a reply, he just walked away. Bakugou grabbed the door forcing it to reopen. “HEY, nerd.”

Midoriya slowly turned back toward Bakugou, both their eyes were bloodshot and held weariness. He expected to be told off since that’s how these things usually go.

“We saved her. We’re fucking heroes, right? So why does it feel like we didn’t do shit. Why does it feel like she’s still on that roof? I’m so fucking tired and yet I don’t want to sleep because she is laying is some fucking hospital unconscious because she jumped off a building. Why, why couldn’t she just reply on us.” Midoriya recognized the breaking in Bakugou’s voice. Except this time, he felt something similar. He too felt like you weren’t safe, like you’d just do it again when you found out that you hadn’t succeeded. He closed his eyes wondering what you felt alone on that rooftop. Had you waited for someone to save you? He had been in a similar situation back in middle school. He could hear everyone’s discouraging words, and Bakugou’s ‘suggestion’ play in his head. He could feel the cold breeze that he felt like he was back to the day he stood on a rooftop wondering if he could be a hero in his next life. He didn’t do it for so many reasons, the main one being his will to live. He wanted to live, he had some much yearning to show the world that he could do it, he could be a hero. He had something that you lacked. Midoriya opened his eyes and looked directly into the crimson orbs across the hallway. “We didn’t save her, we caught her. She probably didn’t want to inconvenience us. She thinks she’s the problem so of course she didn’t want to burden us. We wont ever know how she feels, all we can do is hope she still wants us involved in her life. We can only hope she wants to try living it again.”

Bakugou stared at Midoriya, really stared. He knew exactly what the boy had been thinking about when his eyes were closed. Bakugou had thought briefly about it as well. He thought Midoriya was thinking about when he had told the green haired boy to basically kill himself. He had no clue about the attempt. He felt a pang of regret again, as he grew, he thought a lot about how shitty he had been in the past. Hell, he couldn’t completely hate Uraraka because he had been in her situation to an extent. Bakugou couldn’t imagine how his life would have gone had Midoriya had jumped. Now he had to face the past along with the present to try and make a plan for the future, your future.

“I’m gonna protect her.” Bakugou’s declaration caused Midoriya to smile. He nodded his head lifting up his fist with determination in his own eyes. “That makes two of us.”

Bakugou would have usually snapped at the forest haired boy from copying him but he didn’t. Instead he returned Midoriya’s smile with a smirk. He let the door close heading up to his own room. Midoriya walked into his dark dorm room. He sighed against the door before sliding down it letting everything hit him. Tears rushed down his cheeks, this hurt more than any broken bone. He couldn’t get the image of you hurdling toward the ground out of his head. He covered his face with his arms before burying it into his pulled-up knees. His sobs were silent, and he suffered the way he imagined you had. He tried to picture the happy you. The one with fire in her eyes, the one that always got back up no matter what knocked her down. He wanted your eyes to be red from laughing yourself to tears, he wanted you to be tired from training and not from thinking your existence was exhausting. He wanted to tell you that he loved you and that he’d be there through this, but he can’t tell you that now. You needed to rest and so did he, if only his mind would let him.

Elsewhere, Bakugou was experiencing his own breakdown. He slammed his fist into the dorm door not caring if he breaks it. His knuckles bleed from the abuse. He doesn’t care, instead he punches it again and again until blood flows rapidly, down his hand and onto the floor. “Fuck.” Bakugou grabs a towel and throws it on top the blood staining the carpet. He stomps on it before giving up and laying on his bed. He sees the blood on his knuckles and thinks back to the dry blood on your arm from cutting into before fleeing the building. He hadn’t seen your self-mutilation himself but thinking about it made him sick. He sat up dry heaving into his trash can. How could he have been so stupid? Why the hell hadn’t he invited you that night to play video games? He knew exactly why, because he had seen how excited you had been all day. He was hoping this was what you needed to finally break your isolation. He was rooting for you and in doing so fucked up. He blamed himself for not making you hang out with him instead, which sounded selfish in a way but he meant well. Bakugou wipes the saliva from his lip before looking at his phone. He unlocks it and stares at the picture he has as his background. It has Kaminari and Sero laughing in the background with Mina poking Kirishima’s cheek. The main focus of the photo is you hugging him while he looks pissed as hell. The photo was taken by Momo who he had to ‘threaten’ to delete it, only after sending him a copy. He would never admit it out loud but he loved you. He loved the way you fought back against bullies, how you snapped back when he was an asshole. He enjoyed the far off look you’d get during class, the way you looked out the window with the slightest smile. He could listen to your laugh for hours. He was so fucked. How could he be thinking about loving you when you hated yourself. He just wished you could be happy, could understand how much you mattered not just to him. Bakugou drops his phone onto his side table before falling backward. His head crashes onto his pillows. You were alone right now, or maybe you weren’t. Hopefully your parents were with you, or maybe Mr. Aizawa went to make sure you would be okay. He wished he could have gone with you, that he could comfort you when you wake up. He wanted nothing more than to destroy all your problems and give you some of his strength while you tried to regain your own. Except he knew you were strong; it took strength to jump off a building.  

-----------------------------------------------------------

The loveliest dream played behind closed eye lids. You were completely unaware of what was going on outside of your brain’s illusions. Unfortunately for you all dreams come to an end and you have to face reality. You were delirious when your dreams melted away and bright light filled your vision. Beeping invaded your ear drums. It smelled like sterilizer. You rubbed your eyes trying to fix your vision. When things were no longer blurry you found yourself looking around a hospital room. Your clothing was folded neatly on a chair along with a few bags and a blanket. Someone had been siting in the chair. There was a chart on the door which was closed. The window was dark and the light that was on only lit up parts of the room. You took in your surroundings feeling your heart race and chest cave in as your lungs failed you. The room was closing in on you as you curling in on yourself. You tugged the heart rate monitor when you wrapped your arms around your knees. Sobs came out with uneven breathes. You were having a panic attack. The door opened and a nurse peaked inside, your monitor was loudly beeping informing medical staff your heart rate spiked. The nurse walked over to the bed worry across her face as she gently put a hand on your shoulder.

“Honey are you okay? Are you in pain? Let me call the doctor.” Before she could leave your side, you spoke through broken hiccups.

“I failed.” The words were tragic really. The nurse knew why you had been there and hearing your words made her realize why you were crying. Regret, but not because you had done it, because you had failed at dying. The nurse covered her mouth as her own tears start falling down. You looked up at her with confusion. Why was she crying. You tried to steady your breathing, before moving your hand over her own. She looked up and saw the concern and care in your eyes. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying? Did I upset you.”

She stared at you like you had grown another head; how could you push away your own suffering to make sure she was okay. A slight laugh escaped her as she gently moved some stray hair away from your eyes.

“You really do have the heart of a hero.” She rubbed your shoulder watching you bite your bottom lip to try and prevent more crying. It didn’t work, you collapsed in a fit of sobs again. You wrapped your arms around your middle begging for this to not be real. Maybe this was your own personal hell. You weren’t a hero; this lady was delusional. She needed to get away from you before you ruined her life as well. You didn’t pay any attention to her getting up. She left the room cautiously. You looked around trying to find anything that could ground you. The only thing you keep thinking about is dying and how it was impossible that you hadn’t. What does this mean? What do you do now? How could you have fucked up this bad? You activate your quirk in the hopes to hurt yourself, one last attempt before the restraint jacket and padded room. Your fingers go to push into your wrist but there is no sting or pain, no blades just skin. You quickly look up knowing exactly what happened, Mr. Aizawa. You felt exposed, like you were nude or had all your dirty laundry in full view. Here was someone you respected, looked up to, having to use his quirk against you. You were like a villain. You couldn’t decipher his look do to his dry eyes. You dug your weaponless fingers into your sides curling into yourself again while crying. Warm rushes of tears crashed down your cheeks and onto the hospital gown. You didn’t care that he was watching you, at this point you were nothing but a bother to him. He didn’t think that, he would never think that about any of his students. Mr. Aizawa blinked stopping his quirk. His hair returned to its place against his scarf around his shoulders. He looked tired but not as tired as you. He would never wish that kind of exhaustion and mental trauma on anyone, especially not a child, which you were. He approached with caution, not like you were a savage animal, more like you were a scared injured one. He slowly squatted down next to your bed looking at the dark circles around your eyes and red across your nose and cheeks. He went to catch a tear but stopped with wide eyes when he heard you mumble. “I’m sorry sir, I caused you trouble.”

The apology was already pushing it, you had nothing to apologize for but the trouble part got him. Had he been so hard on you that you’d think he cared more about the trouble than your health? That hurt him, just like Bakugou and Midoriya. He sighed and shook his head finally allowing himself to catch the tear.

“You are no trouble. I’m here because I want you to get better.” Maybe his words could be taken different in your sensitive state of mind but regardless he meant well. The door opens interrupting your sobs and his attempt at comforting you. The doctor walked in followed by the nurse who cried for you. Her eyes were still red and lightly puffy. She smiled softly at you making your chest hurt. You didn’t deserve her tears or their kindness. The doctor stood in front of your bed waiting for you to look at him. You dared a glance up afraid that he would be disappointed but he was smiling like the nurse.

“Ms. L/n, I’m glad to see you awake. You gave us quite a scare. Would you like to talk about it?” Quite a scare? Really. You weren’t trying to scare anyone; you were trying to disappear from existence. You had scared yourself with an unsuccessful attempt. Now they knew. You wanted to talk but couldn’t get your mouth to open. You sunk your teeth into your lip until it bled. “It’s okay, you don’t have to talk right now. As you can assume you will be here for a while. Your parents are outside the room. I will send them after I have a talk with them about your recovery.”

He left the room and you wanted to run over and push one of the heavy machines in front of it. You couldn’t face them. You couldn’t look into their irritated and disgusted eyes. What if they don’t want you as their daughter anymore. A hand places itself gently on your shoulder before the bed dips from weight being added to it. The nice nurse is sitting next to you. “Don’t worry, they were so distraught when they heard the news. They haven’t left your side till an hour ago. They haven’t stopped crying and begging for you to be okay. Your parent’s love you and I think they aren’t the only ones.”

She smiles at Mr. Aizawa, who rolls his eyes. He knows the nurse is referencing the eighty different calls he’s had to take from crying and concerned students and faculty members. You look between the two adults before overhearing the conversation outside the room. Your parents are arguing something and you here a number and something about keeping you till your better. You knew that he was telling them you were being locked away. You could imagine the white walls with no windows. The cushion floors and pills that would melt your brain. You hadn’t realized you had started hyperventilating again. Mr. Aizawa rubs your back hushing you in a gentle way. The nurse gives you water and as you take it you see it, folded neatly on the chair with your camisole and sweats, Midoriya’s all might hoodie. You sit up, startling the two adults, before reaching out and grabbing the garment. The fabric is worn from plenty of use. It feels cold from sitting under the hospital air conditioner. You hug it to your chest deeply inhaling the pine smell. It was soothing and familiar. You noticed there were a few holes in it and wondered how they got there. You smelled it again curiously after noticing a different scent, a sweeter scent, like caramel like Bakugou. Why did it smell like him? You started feel cold, like you were back on top the roof. You close your eyes feeling your body fall over the edge. You grip the fabric tighter as you try to remember what happened before you fainted. You could hear a voice in your inner conscience. It sounded like Bakugou, he called you an idiot but he was crying. You couldn’t remember but he said it when he caught you, when he held you while plummeting to the ground. You were afraid to know what happened, but you needed to know.

“Mr. Aizawa, what happened. How am I alive?” It was painful to hear you say that. No one should ever have to ask that under these circumstances. He sighed rubbing the bridge of his nose.

“I can’t say exactly what happened because we showed up late. I got a call from Iida, he sounded panicked and I could hear the frantic yelling and crying in the background. He told me that you had hurt yourself after a confrontation with Uraraka and fled the building with bad intentions. I called All Might and the police. Other members of the staff were also informed afterward. I left to find you and found the class waiting for the police. They told me that Bakugou and Midoriya had run off to find you, to stop you.” He stops for a second because recounting the event brought back the sick drop in his stomach and the painful apprehension. You look at your hands that were perfectly still. You were afraid of the truth because you knew you had run off; you did feel guilty for upsetting people and causing such a ruckus. Had you just run off late into the night with no confrontation than things would have worked out, right? That’s when the last sentence finally clicks. You thrust your head up, your eyes staring into the side of your teachers face with curiosity and confusion. “Bakugou and Midoriya? They went after me.”

“They went after you and not only that. They um, they, they saved you. I didn’t see it since I was escorting the emergency vehicles to across the campus. All Might was outside the building. He told me in the darkness you saw fire and green sparks fly out the windows. The colors swirled chasing the same thing, you. Bakugou caught you and from what I was told Midoriya caught the two of you and used his quirk to get you back into the building three floors before the ground. The two boys emerged from the building, Bakugou holding you tightly against his body while Midoriya’s hoodie laid over your unconscious form. They both had a protective air to them, like guard dogs. Bakugou wouldn’t even hand you over to the medical workers and Midoriya, who is usually the understanding one, was defending his classmate’s behavior. They had caught you, they saved you and yet as I looked at them, they looked scared, defeated. They didn’t think they saved you and I guess in a way they are right. Regardless of that though, they tried to stay with you but they weren’t allowed to come with. They are probably still waiting to hear if your okay.” He got up and apologized but he had to take a call. You watched him walk out and you could slightly hear your parent’s voices down the hall. They were drowned out by the machinery beeping behind you. You were left with partial pieces of what had happened after you jumped.

You couldn’t lie to yourself and say that you didn’t believe they cared. You knew they did, you had experienced first hand their kindness and care this last week. Bakugou wasn’t nice to anyone and yet he had a soft spot for you. You were usually oblivious but you saw how he treated you. He made you food, he brought you water, he trained with you, and when you were sad, he let you be sad. He validated you and all your emotions no matter how dumb or fucked up they got. You got to sit on his bed with him during game night while all the boys whined that they never got special treatment. He cussed them out but you had just smiled. When you were around Bakugou no one messed with you and you received no jealous stares or judgement. Midoriya showered you in attention and kindness in his Midoriya way. His shy smiles and flushed cheeks as he’s talk with you about your aspirations and likes. He held onto everything you said and would give you a gift in relation to it. You liked a certain artist and he gave you a cd. You liked a certain animal and you ended up with a plush to cuddle with on your bed, not that you cuddled it or anything. You never had to eat lunch with others staring and whispering about you. The lounge was yours even when he wasn’t there. He always had a wrapped lunch and drink sitting on the table with an origami crane. You kept all of the ones you’d been given and they hung from string above your desk. If you had waited then you could have had a thousand cranes and just wished your depression away. You didn’t really believe that but everyone is allowed their childish dreams. Midoriya walked you to class when Bakugou didn’t. It felt like prison escorts at first but then it felt like friendship. Something you looked forward too. Midoriya gave you an All Might pen he had gotten in an exclusive set. It matched his and you couldn’t give the gift back because he argued against it. The pen was something you used every day leading to your breakdown. More important than physical objects were his quiet understanding and patience toward you. No matter how mad or depressed you got he always smiled, and never left your side. He always told you that you mattered and were amazing. You just wished you could believe the words because he spoke them with such sincerity.  

“Y/n.” You had just been thinking about the boys and hearing someone call your name made your heart skip a beat as you looked up with excitement and yearning. You wouldn’t say you were disappointed but a slight bit of you wanted them to be standing in the doorway instead of the doctor.

“May your parents come in?” You held your breath and almost denied the request but you couldn’t run away again. This was the moment you needed to tell them how tired you were, how you didn’t want to try anymore. You nod and the doctor opens the door wider revealing your parents. You expected stern harsh eyes but instead met gazes with grief stricken weary ones. Oh god had you been wrong about them. They rushed to your side sobbing words of regret and apologies. You couldn’t speak as your throat tightened and tears blurred your vision again. You were starting to replace Midoriya as the class cry baby. You sobbed out apologies of your own but not for attempting to kill yourself. No apologies for being a failure and ruining their lives. They were astonished, how could you think such horrible things about yourself. Had they not loved you enough? Had they not supported you. What did they do wrong? These were selfish questions and they realized watching you crumble into the thin hospital sheet, that this wasn’t about them, it was about you. How could they support you until you loved and supported yourself? That was the better question. You felt arms wrap around you enveloping you into a sandwiched embrace. You felt like a child again for a moment causing your crying to escalate into hysterical sobbing and gurgled words that couldn’t be understood. As they held you crying their own tears they spoke.

“We love you Y/n. We have always loved you and always will. We are sorry if we contributed to this. Please don’t ever hurt yourself. Please don’t leave us.” You couldn’t promise anything right now so instead you basked in the love and warmth they gave you. This was apart of healing, ripping off a bandage. This was a wound that had rotted, grew infected and needed to be reopened if it wanted a chance to try to heal again. You had your parent’s and they were disappointed, they never once insulted or belittled you. They just had love for you. You wished you could tell them that you felt better but you didn’t. When you closed your swollen eyes, you could still feel the cold breeze and see the twinkling stars as you plummeted off the roof. You couldn’t heal until you wanted too. It would be a process but you were willing to wait.

------------------------------------------  

You slept for a whole day after the visit from your parents. They stayed but left to attend other business knowing you’d be safe in the hospital. Mr. Aizawa watched you for awhile to make sure you didn’t wake up and try to use your quirk again. When you finally woke up the world felt heavy, like you had been laying in drying cement. You reached out for your water and pressed the button to call a nurse. A different nurse came in and you felt intimidated by the unfamiliar person. You played with the sleeves of Midoriya’s hoodie, which you had put on before falling asleep, before asking for some headache medication and the ability to take a shower. The nurse let you know that he had to ask a doctor what you weren’t allowed to do or take. It was a twenty-minute wait but you didn’t mind, it wasn’t like you were going anywhere anytime soon.

“Here is some food and medication. Someone will come in after you eat to get you situated to shower.” The man was gentle and slightly awkward which made you giggle. You thanked him for his help before staring at the gourmet meal. It was cold soba, a side of warm white rice and a bowl of sliced kiwis and mangos. You wanted to shower and that meant eating something. Hell, this meal was better than Midoriya’s cooking so it wasn’t like you couldn’t stomach it. You just didn’t know if you were ready to eat. You were afraid of regretting it, or getting nervous and throwing up. You needed to eat something. A piece of mango slipped into your mouth. You followed it up with a few bites of rice and half the cold soba. It was delicious and the meds really helped after you took them. The attendant that came in to take the tray seemed happy to see most of the food gone. If you were being graded on eating than you were sure you just got a high B which was better than some of your school grades. The best feeling in the world came from feeling hot water against your bare skin. You had to have the nurse in the room with you, you had realized that you were going to be monitored closely seeing as people were anticipating another suicidal breakdown. You didn’t mind the attention, just felt bad for taking staff away from other patients. The nurse had slipped you a floral scented shampoo which excited you. You wanted to smell like anything other than sweat, hospital, and dirt. Once you dried off you slipped the hoodie back over your head. You had your bra taken away incase you tried to hurt yourself with it. The wiring could be removed and used as a blade or you could hang yourself. You didn’t mind as long as you were allowed to have the hoodie. A new pair of undies and sweatpants completed the look. Your parents were going to drop off some clothes later. The doctor mentioned something about transferring you to a different part of the hospital, a recovery center that you’d live at until they figured out a plan for your mental health. You didn’t want to stay but knew if you left, you’d be on the roof again. Better safe then dead.

“You look comfy.” You jump and turn when you hear the familiar voice. Your eyes meet with a pair of green ones.

“MIDORIYA!” You are already rushing off the bed pulling the heart monitor off your finger as you tackle the boy. His arms had already been open waiting for you like they always were. He holds you trying not to think to much about the fact that your wearing his hoodie. You nuzzle your face against his chest sniffing him. He smelt like the real him, he felt like the real him and yet you felt that if you let him go, he’d disappear. You didn’t let go till he pulled away. “I thought I told you to call me Izuku.”

You were excited just a moment ago but when he mentioned his first name you thought about Uraraka. You could see her, an apparition watching with distain. You were afraid to hurt people and that included her. Midoriya noticed the way you changed. He moved forward but was thrusted backward causing him to stumble and almost fall. “Move nerd, your upsetting her.”

Your heart beats wildly as Bakugou walked toward you. You can smell his body wash, and his natural sweet smell. He knew you were upset before he had even entered the room. He knew why you were upset; Mina had explained everything that Uraraka did and said. He knew that’s who you were thinking about. His hand lifted up and you closed your eyes expecting a flick to your forehead but instead a gentle pat. You open your eyes and stare into his crimson ones.

“Forget about her Y/n. She fucking sucks. You don’t have to beat yourself up over someone like her. You are amazing and can do whatever you want, even if that thing is calling this nerd by his first name.” His words were snarling or growled like usual. Instead they were delivered like a pep talk. He wanted you to let go of Uraraka’s words. You bit your lip wanting to listen but found it hard. He notices your hesitation this time smiling, you almost yelp at how gorgeous he looks. “You don’t have to do what people say. You matter and so do your choices.”

Midoriya nods beside Bakugou which causes the angry blonde to hit him. He snaps about finding his own thing to say and not just agreeing with him. You watch the two childhood friends and start laughing. Your laugher brings their attention back to you. You were genuinely laughing and they both smile basking in it. “You guys are such children, stop being mean Katsuki. Izuku means well.”

You are still laughing with your eyes squinted closed while they blush at the casual way you say their names. You look up when the door opens and a nurse is pointing to your finger. Shyly you return to bed clipping the monitor. The boys come closer. Midoriya taking the chair and Bakugou remains standing. There is a dead silence between the three of you. You rub your arm not really knowing what to say. You don’t have to speak since they both speak up, Midoriya first followed by Bakugou.

“Are you mad at us?” Midoriya looks sorrowful at you, like a puppy that didn’t know what it got hit for. You didn’t get a chance to ask why.

“He’s asking if your pissed that we saved you.” Bakugou looks away from you and Midoriya looks down. You finally look at them. Not smell or feel them, no, look at them. Bakugou had sunken in eyes, the dark rings turning into black holes around his eye lids. The white of his eyes match Midoriya’s, red and irritated. He had been crying, they both had. Bakugou’s knuckles had obvious signs of quirk overuse and scratches from hitting something rough. Midoriya’s cheeks seemed hollow, like he hadn’t eaten or hydrated. His hair was messier and not in a casual way, in a neglectful way. They both exhibit pain, trauma, remorse. How could you have done this? How could you prevent it from happening again?

“You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s me, I’m not okay. ” The words slipped out and you didn’t feel bad for saying them. You weren’t okay and they needed to know this wasn’t a fairy tale. They both raised a brow like you had stated an obvious fake. The both responded at the same time.

“No shit.” Bakugou. “And that’s okay.” Midoriya.

Both boys knew you were broken and they thought that was fine. How foreign of a concept to you.

“You guys are okay with this? With me?”

“Are you stupid? No this isn’t okay.” Bakugou’s words were growled. “Kacchan.”

“Shut up, it isn’t okay that you feel like way. You need to get help and that’s what your going to do in this fucking hospital. We are going to be here with you. It okay to be sad and hate yourself but it’s not okay to live that way. You are going to get better. I fucking swear my future as a hero on it.” Bakugou’s words quaked with passion. You started crying and felt Midoriya rub soothing circles on the top of your hand with his thumb. You nodded along with Bakugou and Midoriya followed him up. “You can take all the time that you need, we will be here every step of the way. Even during the bad times and the breakdowns. We will never judge you.”

Sobbing was all you could do while comforting you was what they could do. They promised and they were going to keep their word.

-------------------------------------------------

A month, that was the time frame the hospital gave you. You chose to stay and get help and what made it easier was having Bakugou and Midoriya support you. The month had gone by in strange intervals. You had bad days were you tried to hurt yourself and found sanctuary in the arms of Mr. Aizawa who had to stop you. He was patient and nurturing as well. The first week had more downs then ups. The second week Bakugou made you where his hoodie claiming you were becoming a nerd with Midoriya’s on. The second week also ended with gifts and flowers covering your recovery room. Notes from everyone talking about how much they missed you and tell you what was happening while you were gone. The third week brought you friends. Everyone visited on different days and in different groups. Iida had apologized for his lack of leadership and not helping you. You dismissed his words and gave him a smile and hug. Momo cried and apologized and that seemed to be the cycle. Jirou didn’t cry but she was melancholy. The girls and boys that came and went made you feel so many emotions and so many hugs and tears were given. Kaminari had snot dripping out of his nose as he hugged you. The moment Mina laid her eyes on you the world stopped. You screamed her name and she screamed yours. Kirishima literally had to remove her to leave which upset her. She told you she loved you and to never try to kill yourself again. A smile was given but no promise. Not till you could tell yourself it and believe it. The last person who came was Uraraka. She was almost not allowed in by blonde guard dog but you told him she could. You both sat in silence before she cried. She cried and you did exactly what Bakugou said you would. You forgave her and blamed yourself. She argued but couldn’t win. The gentle honest smile on your face hurt but she returned the smile.

“Let’s start over.” You hugged her goodbye and cried in Bakugou’s arms because the words still lingered and hurt.

The fourth and finally week had you shaking with nervousness. You were going home to your friends, your family. You were free and maybe not cured but you felt good. You could say you were okay and mean it. The pain was there but it was a phantom pain. You had a plan and knew that even if you had episodes and breakdowns that was okay and people were there to help you if you just let them. As you packed your bags and left with Mr. Aizawa you felt nervous and happy. He smiled as you said goodbye to the staff who waved with smiles and tears in their eyes. You had life in yours and that was much more than you had a month ago. The car ride was quiet and as you opened a bag you noticed something sticking out. It was a letter, actually there were two of them. Midoriya’s hand writing on one, Bakugou’s on the other. You were afraid to open them but did it anyway. Midoriya’s said.

[I have something I need to tell you, please meet me in the teacher’s lounge.]

Bakugou’s was similar in context but simply said.

[In front of the main campus building]

You had an idea of what this might lead to and this conflicted you because you loved both of them, however one of them had been there for you like no other. You had loved them even before this. You knew where you needed to go.

----------------------------------------------------------------

-MIDORIYA’S ENDING -

You had placed your bags back into your room and left for the exit before anyone could take your time. You almost collided with someone outside as your rushed out. The person gasped and you apologized reaching for the letter that slipped from your hands. The person picked it up first and read it. You felt true fear overtake you as you stared at Uraraka. She read the note and you wanted to cry and run but instead you gently held your hand out for it. She did something you hadn’t expected, she smiled. Her eyes held no jealousy or ill-intent.

“Uraraka, I”

“Don’t keep him waiting.” You both made eye contact and you had to rub your eyes to keep from crying. You both changed for the better and this proved she tried and not running away or giving up proved you were trying too. You left her in the doorway rushing off to find him. You saw Bakugou near the building he told you to meet him and you waved. He waved back realizing you were running past. He sighed before sadly smirking. “I’ll always be here for you even though you chose him.”

You couldn’t hear the words but you knew they were true. He wouldn’t hold this against you because this was what made you happy. This was something you wanted and chased after. The door to the lounge got closer and closer until you were breathing heavily outside of it. Your legs were wobbly and you felt light headed. You gripped the knob tight and opened the door. Midoriya was sitting in his usual spot. You both made eye contact and his cheeks, which were already red, grew deeper. You tried to steady your breathing and calm your chest but failed. You sat down across from him and felt for a second like you were back to the second time you had run. Well no more running. You put the letter on the table. He was quiet and for a second you thought maybe you were wrong. That’s when he stiffly stood up and bent forward in a bow.

“Y/n! I have been watching you since we starting attending UA together. I have always found you fascinating and strong. I always thought nothing could bring you down but I was wrong. You were much stronger than any hero I have researched. You fought, protected, trained, learned, and so much more all while hurting and fighting yourself. I think you are the bravest most amazing person ever and I don’t ever want to lose you or let go of you.” There was so much to unpack and he was talking so fast with no muttering. You were blushing and trying to think of an argument about being strong but knew it would be pointless. Midoriya was building up to saying the words and you didn’t know if your heart could handle running here and a confession.  

“Y/n L/n, I love you and I understand if you can’t love me right now but.” You had called his name a few times as tears filled your eyes. He wasn’t listening so you moved across the table, lifted his head and kissed him. He was shocked but relieved. His arms moved around your middle pulling you closer which caused you to fall completely over the coffee table and into his arms. You both laughed before you pushed you face into his chest holding onto him tightly.

“I love you too Izuku Midoriya. I might mess up but please bear with me.”

This wasn’t a fairy tale ending, it was life. You had gotten the boy but you were still struggling. There was no miracle cure, no prince charming’s kiss to make the pain go away. Just two guys trying to help you help yourself. For this exact moment you were okay and that was okay.

--------------------------------------------------------

-BAKUGOU’S ENDING-

The moment your bags hit the floor of your room you ran to the elevator. You were nervous but thrilled. You wanted to over think but stopped yourself. You hushed the bad words with confident ones. The elevator ding freed you and your legs moved forward right into Mina who was going to go see you. The two of you hugged and she spun you around. The letter slipped from your grasp and you quickly reached for it but she was faster. You watched her read the simple location and waited for the mocking or teasing. Instead she placed the paper back in your hand and winked. “You don’t wanna keep him waiting do you.”

You could have cried at her support but didn’t have time. How long had he been waiting? Was he still there? Worrying was pointless because as you ran path lit up by the evening sky you saw him. He was leaning against the building looking up. You slowed your pace and followed his gaze. There was nothing there but as your approached, still watching the sky, you realized this was the same building you jumped from. One hell of a spot to meet. You felt fear build up but stop when Bakugou spoke.

“When I caught you in my arms, I couldn’t use my quirk to get us back into the building. My first thought hadn’t been to call out to Deku but to protect you. I held you close and braced for impact. In that moment I wasn’t a hero. I was me and you were the most important person in my life and I needed you to live. I needed to see your stupid smile and hear your laugh. I wanted you to call out my name from across the school yard while all these stupid fucking extras stared confused because they don’t understand us. I couldn’t lose you, and I can’t lose you.” His attention had been up but was now focused only on you. Your heart stopped beating, or maybe it was beating too fast. Right now, you couldn’t tell. You could tell that you were crying. That he was crying. He aggressively wiped the tears away. “God, I don’t think you understand how I feel about you. I’ve been in love with you the moment I watched you suck at throwing that ball our first day. I had been so angry and couldn’t understand why you laughed and smiled even though you ‘lost’. I understood later when you told the shitty girls that throwing that ball meant you were one step closer to being a hero, to saving lives. You were, are what heroes should be, should thrive to be. You want to save people even when your suffering. You’d die for anyone even someone who hurts you. It’s stupid and reckless and it you. You are my hero more than I am yours. You never hurt anyone while you hurt. You never blamed others. I did all of those things and take out my regret on people. I want to be a little more like you but I also want to help you see that you can love yourself. I know it isn’t easy and hell it might take years but I’ll be here for every one of them.”

Bakugou was a mean, aggressive, and narcissistic person, at least that’s what people sold him as. You never bought it because you knew what profiling people did. You knew what life was like in that box and you didn’t want either of you in it. You hadn’t realized he loved you all that time and yet you could say he was dumb because it took your crumbling mental state for him to realize you might like him back. You looked at him and moved forward till your arms were around him. That sweet caramel smell filled your nostrils and he felt like home. A million thoughts moved around in your head but you pushed them down. The bad thoughts were still there but you didn’t have to deal with them alone, and now you understood that.

“I love you Bakugou, I have loved you for so long and I never could say it but now. Now I don’t have to be afraid because when I’m sad you are there.” Bakugou laughed and held you closer. His lips pecked yours once then again and again until you whined and he gave you a real kiss. His lips were hot and soft against your cooler healing ones.

“You can be sad when I’m not around. You don’t have to be okay. Not right now, in time.”

“Bakugou, why did you pick this spot to confess.” Bakugou let you go and pointed upward. You followed his gaze and heard his words.

“Because one day I’m going to bring you back here and you are going to stand on the roof and scream from the top of your lungs that you did it, that you are okay.”

He caught you before you could collapse as sobs escaped. He showered you in kisses because he knew you needed to feel this way to get better. He would hold you while you cried because this was just a stop on the way to that future, he wanted for you. He wasn’t here to save you. You could do that yourself. He was here because he loved you.  

[dexi-green]

Gotta put together (some of) my feelings and thoughts about the mandalorian S2 finale so spoilers, can’t put it under a read more on tablet but SPOILERs and it’s tagged so:

I didn’t get it until the x wing landed in the hangar... then I started crying in both hope and fear. I felt Luke was the option to go to but I never thought they would ACTUALLY do it. Then it was him on the cams and you couldn’t see the color but the SOUND. Then you saw the glove!!! And then the shot mirroring Vader with the green in the smoke like...wow (also kinda mirrored Vader’s slaughter in rogue one but with less human murder). And so many of Luke’s moves reminded me of Anakin and Vader that it was just undeniable. Like it all just compiled so nicely and it was just amazing. (the cgi on his face was a lil eh but it was still Luke) AND THEN R2!!! I jumped and yelped and cried again. And then of course Din removing his helmet for Grogu... come on... it’s too sweet. “‘let me look on you with my own eyes” come THROUGH FATHER SON DYNAMIC ITS POETRY IT RHYMES!!! But of course the thought crossed my mind when Luke was holding Grogu... his possible fate to Kyle at Luke’s temple... oof. I mean possibly not but ??? ALSO WHEN GIDEON TRIED TO SHOOT GROGU?!?! I HATED THAT SO MUCH! THAT SPLIT SECOND HAD ME REELING,SEETHING. Also I wonder if Grogu is the first kid recruited by Luke? I think that would be such an interesting dynamic, I mean aside from Ben of course but... that is just such an interesting thought for this to be the first recruitment of his temple. The weight it puts on that scene and Luke’s determination to get to him...like come on. The only thing I wanted more than Luke was Leia, because I am dying for more Jedi Leia, but it’s obviously a bit iffy territory to tread, sadly rip queen. Also also I need to see a Grogu/Din reunion. Particularly I think it would be great to see them years later, I mean I would love Din to have constant contact with his SON, but of course a years later reunion would be so interesting to see the dynamic. Do they settle back in? Is Grogu too young rn to be able to be taken away and have a good connection (without taking into account any force connection type vibes) later on? Grogu didn’t get his ball...

Also i was so engrossed I forgot about the actual kind of... inheritance of the darksaber, kinda due to Sabine giving Bo the darksaber in rebels?? and that was just such a moment. As soon as I saw Gideon smiling/laughing at Bo I was like.. wait a minute... The whole time, from Boba and Koska and Bo’s fight/bickering at the beginning, to when Gideon was holding it up to Grogu, I was just like Din doesn’t care about all this he just wants Grogu. And it broke my heart when he was telling her to take it, and she just couldn’t, knowing that’s not what he wants at all (i mean who knows where it will go now with Grogu gone but :/ still doesn’t seem like the rule Mandalore type but he really almost has a no choice.. also high key feel bad for Bo. She was just feigning for Gideon and the darksaber and made it clear but just happenstance and.. not even back at square one but now stuck in this weird place. She knows Din’s not like Gideon so she can’t justify going after him like that. But also lowkey wanted to fight her after she called out Boba as not a real mandalorian, and talking about him being a clone, at the beginning but I guess he doesn’t really care too much sinc he’s so sure of himself and doesn’t need recognition from other mandalorians). I am so interested in how Din moves forward. Also I love how they allowed Luke and Boba to just pass each other lol because 😬 (also is koska dead??) And according to Gideon they already got Grogu’s blood so :/ but also R2/Grogu recognizing each other??

BOBA SUPREMACCYYYY!!!! RIP Jeremy Bulloch 💕 The after credit omg... Fat Bib Fortuna physically taking Jabba’s place on the throne and manifesting the body to go with it lol but I loved how it mirrored Luke’s entrance at Jabba’s palace, and of course as soon as we see Fennec I know Boba was coming along, and I just... oof. The book of Boba... wow... I am so hype for next December. Him and Fennec running the criminal underworld?? Pls let Cobb vanth show up because I would love to see Boba stare down the dude who ‘borrowed’ his armor for a while. Also I wanna know a bit more of Boba’s escape/survival and time with the Tusken raiders, I loved seeing them a bit more this season compared to the very brief glimpses and Ani’s slaughter. Also Dark Troopers so good. Good love it.

I wonder if the book of boba is the next season, so an installment of this series.. that’s what I think it will probably be... but also Bo and Din on mandalore?? But also explore Luke’s Jedi Temple... him finding the force sensitives and how his methods differ from the old Jedi Order. How he changes it and improves or what he sticks to that works/doesn’t?? And of course we got the set up for Thrawn/Ahsoka/ EZRA??!?!? (pls rahul kohli) show and all the other shows which.. while I am hype for book of boba (the best title) I am still OBVI most hype for the Obi wan because baby boy ani and ewan, like if this?!? Had me crying... I am going to get destroyed when that obi-wan show drops. Dubstep droids... Also I really thought there would be something to the “‘pure Beskar” line, like one of the mando’s armor wouldn’t be pure and they get stabbed... listen I came into this thinking someone was going to die.

I have so much Feelings and Thoughts and just needed them somewhere. It felt like Star Wars... it felt like I was in the theaters. I was crying and talking to myself and silently yelling since it was 3am but... it just felt amazing. It was amazing. Like it’s just kind of insane especially when there were so many times when it seemed like Star Wars was gone or changing too much... which isn’t exactly bad but it was just kind of nice to feel like it used to. The nostalgia...and the love and the hope gosh ❤️

Edit: AHSOKA AND LUKE MEET. TALK ABOUT ANI! LET LUKE LEARN OF HIS DAD, LET AHSOKA LEARN OF HIS REDEMPTION! NOW LUCASFILMS🔫

[artemisfromkq]

— Pen and paper.

Summary: In which Sujin decides to write letters to the people she hurt in the past, the first being about Yoo Saerom.

Characters: Lee Sujin, Yoo Saerom, Kim Miyeon, some other Artemis members appear by the end.

Trigger warning: Alcohol usage, cheating, swearing, lying, crying, briefly mentions a funeral in a movie (?). This is pure angst, Sujin hurted that girl. There's also like two scenes one after another involving sex but there's no smut, it does have kind of a explicit language but it doesn't describe any act. Also, Sujin lowkey makes fun of Hyojin’s alcohol dependence.

Author's Notes: This is part one of the To All The People I've Hurt series! Italic texts are for what's Sujin writing in the letters.

APRIL, 2020.

Sujin hated what she became.

When she thinks about it, she wants to pass out, she hates to think she's like that, she was supposed to be a good person, she was supposed to have values, what went wrong?

When she looks back at her past relationships, she sees nothing but people she treated badly, she sees nothing but a trail of hurt and resent, isn't love supposed to be beautiful? She wonders if that's what her exes thought when they were with her. When she looks back, she doesn't remember anything good, it was a trail of manipulation and sadness left behind, she hated it, she hated it so much.

In this trail she could see Elle, Delilah and Saerom. Three people who didn't deserve anything they went through with her.

Saerom, she remembered it clearly, it hadn't been a lot of time since it happened, it was a relationship with potential, destroyed by Sujin in a few months, or even weeks. Saerom was pure, so pure Sujin thinks she hasn't experienced the dark side of life before she met her, she was beautiful, she didn't deserve anything she had to take. Sujin regretted it so much, why did she had to be like this?

Saerom loved to write, she remembers it well. She always left a cute letter for her when they went out for a date or just visited each other in the dorm or her house. She was the opposite to Sujin, she loved to write and read books, something which she never really gave value, another thing that she did wrong. Ironically, this memory was what gave her this idea.

Sujin never thought she'd be sitting in a table, with a pen in hands and a blank sheet of paper in front of her. Why was she doing this, anyway? Redemption? She wouldn't get it with a simple letter who is never getting sent, it was worth a try, anyways. It was what she could do, she knew the people she hurted obviously didn't want to see her, that's the only thing that came into her mind. God, she felt stupid putting herself on that spot, but it's supposed to make her feel better about herself, she hopes so.

And with that, she took a deep breath before starting to write.

We met each other in august.

AUGUST, 2019.

Summer was close to ending, the temperature already had changes to give room to autumn. Debut preparations were done and we were set to debut by the end of september. Lai was responsible to introduce us, remember? You were a sm trainee at the time, or still is, i wonder if you're still there, you always talked about your dream of debuting and being sucessful in our late nights, i hope i didn't ruin that for you.

In the start, i remember it was all fun and games, we used to go out with Lai but it didn't take much for us to start meeting alone. We were so different, yet our conversations used to last for hours. We'd drink coffee, walk around Seoul and, from time to time, you saw a book you liked and i'd always end up buying for you, you remembered me of someone from the past, and that was what brought our downfall.

SEPTEMBER, 2019.

When i debuted, you took me to a restaurant i remember well, it was expensive, i could tell, i wondered if you really wanted to do that for me, yet you still insisted to pay the bill. That night, we had our first kiss late night at a park, hidden behind the trees so no one could see us, i remember i felt happy, yes, happy. Not everything was a lie, Saerom, not from the start, even if you don't believe me nor want to look at my face ever again.

Not long after, we started dating.

Autumn had started for some time already, the sun didn't shine as brightly but the city was still beautiful, the trees darkened their color and the leaves started to fall, a perfect landscape was formed. Even if it didn't shine a lot, the sun was already setting, it was perfect, completely perfect.

Sujin unexpectedly invited Saerom to visit the Deoksugung Stonewall Path, a beautiful place that was near the Seoul Museum of art, a place that Saerom loved to visit.

It has been some time since i last visited the path, i don't really have the courage or strength to do it without remembering of the things i did to you.

They walked around for some time, they smiled, laughed, everyone would think they're just best friends having fun and, that time, they were, but it wouldn't last soon. When they got tired, they stopped by a café in front of the Jeongdong theatre, Saerom smiled as she continued to talk about her day, Sujin wasn't paying attention, lost in how angelic she looked while talking.

“I have something for you.” Interrupted, making the other surprised for some seconds.

I remember i acted like i wasn't nervous, after all, i had to keep the act you always loved to tease. But, yes, you were right, i was nervous that day.

“Oh, really? I'm curious, what book is it?” Saerom rested her chin on her hand, while waiting for Sujin to get something out of her bag.

“You know me well.”

“You're just uncreative! It's different.” Sujin let a small smile out and playfuly rolled her eyes as she took a book out of her bag, handing it to the other girl. “Pride and Prejudice? Quite cliché, however unexpected coming from you.”

“Just open the marked page.” It was hard to tell, but Sujin was blushing behind the sunglass she was using. Saerom mouthed a small "huh?" as she opened the book on the indicated page.

“There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense.” The girl read the quote highlighted with pink marker, just below it, there was a post-it with something written: I love you.

I still remember your reaction, you were trying to hide your shock, but i could see it clearly, you were almost on the verge of crying from happiness, which i didn't understand why. Looking back to it, i realized it is because you really loved me, it hurts to see i didn't recognize that.

“First of all, never put a marker close to a book again, that's a crime.” Sujin couldn't hold her laugh, she knew how Saerom hated to make one single damage to her books, god, she took more care of them than herself. “Second, i love you too.”

“So, do you want?” Saerom looked confused with the question, making Sujin look away, denouncing a little of nervousness. “To be my... Girlfriend?” She whispered, scared of the answer she'd receive, only to hear Saerom laughing out loud in front of her.

“What do you think?”

NOVEMBER, 2019.

The sheets of Saerom's bed seem more monotonous than normal. Her apartment surely needs changes, but, still, it was probably better then SM’s dorm, it gave privacy both to herself and Sujin, she wonders if she’s focusing on her own life since she’s spending so much time with her. Sujin stares at the ceiling and lets a deep breath out, her girlfriend slept quietly by her side. Silence makes Sujin think, it makes her retrieve memories she didn't want. It hasn't been a lot of time since she started feeling like this, empty. Saerom started to feel more like a distraction than a loved one, she didn't know why. Honestly, Sujin hasn't met love again since a year ago, she hated to admit it, but old habits die hard, that was one of them.

Sujin liked girls like this, smart, determined, beautiful. There was only one difference between her current girlfriend and her past: Strength. Saerom was either easily manipulated or she trusted people too easily, ingenuous girl. In the end, Sujin is the type of person you can never trust, because she’ll always fuck you up in the end. She likes to hurt people, play with their minds, it became a part of her even if she denies it, she might be nice and playful in front of her friends, but she is rotten inside, she will always be.

She knew it, no matter how she tried to hide it down her throat, no matter how she tried to appreciate her girlfriend's beauty as one of a kind. In her eyes, Saerom would always be a carbon copy of the girl she loved a year ago, the same girl who she destroyed any ties she had with. For her, Saerom would always be a manifestation of the past, the one who makes reality the image of a future she had with someone else.

When Sujin fucks her, she sees someone else, when Sujin takes her out for a date, she sees someone else, when Sujin buys her a book, she sees someone else. It will always be someone else, a illusion of the past that insists to chase her every time she tried to move on from it.

Being distracted by her thoughts, she hears a fainted voice by her side. “I love you.”

Hesitantly, she replies. “I love you too.”

JANUARY, 2020.

Time passes, and a hotel room became more pleasing then her girlfriend’s home.

It was cheap, dirty and not in the most safe place of Seoul. The walls were made of wood and you could easily listen to the conversation in your neighbour’s room, the bed creaked at the smallest of movements and everything smelled like alcohol. She has money, she could afford a better place, but not getting caught was more important then comfort in Sujin’s mind, not that the person by her side cared at all.

No, the one beside her is not her loved one, not now, she stopped looking for pleasure in Saerom for some time, now. Miyeon was just another girl she met in a club, who she called when she needed. Miyeon was just exactly what her girlfriend missed, she was the missing part, she was power, she was strength. She wasn’t scared of challenging Sujin and she loved every single part of it. Of course, along with the adrenaline. Something inside of her begged her to stop and not do it, that she would leave one more person hurt, but something about lying always left Sujin intrigued, drunk with the ecstasy that came with doing something wrong, and Miyeon was perfect for it, she gave her exactly what she wanted. Sujin likes to do wrong things because they make her feel at her best state, they make her heart beat fast and make her think about the chaotic consequences of her actions, giving what she wants once again.

Suddenly, she can hear her phone vibrating on the bedside table, a message notification shows in the overly brightened phone.

[SAEROM @ 11:45 p.m] Are you fine? I hope your schedules aren’t taking a lot from you, i love you!

“Is that your girlfriend?” Sujin feels the girl’s head lay on her shoulder, she sighs, not knowing how to respond the text, she was going out of excuses. She, then, looks at the lover by her side.

“Yes. I gave her the same act, she’s worried if i’m getting overworked.”

“Yeah, right, only if it’s overworked by something else.” Miyeon lets a small chuckle out, Sujin stayed silent. Whatever it was, it still screamed to cut that relationship before everything started to fall down, but her desire spoke louder, it always did. “Don’t mind her, she’ll think you’re busy, drink some more wine.”

“Don’t you have something stronger?” She closes her eyes, letting one more deep breath out, she feels out of her body, everything felt like an hallucination, she wasn’t even drunk, yet. Lust. That was her biggest sin, it gets over her pride and takes over all of her body to act in favor of it, it was her biggest addiction. Before getting drunk of alcohol, she gets drunk of desire, it is dangerous for her, it is, Sujin can’t think properly anymore.

“Well,” She gets up from the bed, going in the direction of a plastic bag on top of a drawer. “We have whiskey, vodka... Your choice.”

“Vodka. It tastes horrible, it’ll work better.” Miyeon nodded, pouring the drink on a glass and giving it to Sujin. “Drink up.” She takes everything in one sip, frowning for some seconds due to the burning sensation on her throat, exactly like Sujin wanted. “What do you want with this, really?”

Her lips hesitate before answering, she was tired of that bulshit, she didn’t want to talk anymore, she needed more, desperately. “To forget.” She leaves the glass in the bedside table, taking her gaze to the other woman, she wouldn’t say anything else, Miyeon knew what to do, and that’s what made her better.

“If that’s the case,” She smiled, bad thoughts taking over her mind, just like Sujin’s. “I can do that way better.” Miyeon grabs her chin and leaves a small kiss in her mouth, seconds later, Sujin gets closer and ends the space between them. Suddenly, time didn’t matter anymore.

FEBRUARY, 2020.

“It’s really nice from the girls to let us have a good time in private, right?” Saerom smiles, grabbing a hand full of popcorn and stuffing everything in her mouth. Sujin tried to focus on what was going on in the television, what movie were they watching, anyway? She just went with her girlfriend’s lead and pretended to care.

It’s been some time they last done this. Have a good time. It even gave Sujin a strange impression on her body, when everything she’s been thinking about is the same dirty hotel room that smelled like alcohol and sex. Sujin didn’t even know why she invited Saerom to her dorm, she didn’t even love her anymore, why would she bother? Maybe to make her heart lighter, after all, nobody but her and Miyeon knew what she was doing in secret. Sujin is truly a trainwreck, a trainwreck disguised as a tempting, beautiful face, behind those mysterious, yet intriguing eyes that could pull you in a minute. People say sin is disguised as something beautiful, so it can take you in and never let you go, and that is exactly what she is.

“Yes, they are, they like that we’re together.” She sighs, grabbing a single popcorn and putting in her mouth, chewing it slowly as she gets more and more distracted in staring at the movie.

“Really? Is there a motive for that?”

“No, they just think you’re a cool person.” She grabs another popcorn, don’t act like you don’t know, she wanted to say that to Saerom. All the girls knew, and she knew Lai told her about it. The only motive why Sujin distanced herself more from their relationship every day, how can someone else make such an effect on other’s heart? She knew it’d come back at her one day or another, she’d taste from her own poison and blame others for it, after all, it’s never your fault, it’s always the others’.

“Well, that’s great, right? Look! Veronica is in Heather Chandler’s funeral.” Heathers. That was the movie they were watching. Saerom reaches her hand to grab more popcorn in the bowl they filled, realizing that the popcorn was close of completely vanishing. “Hey, it’s your house, go get me some more.” She smiled, putting the bowl completely in Sujin’s lap, who made a confused expression in the start.

“Fine, you don’t need to pause the movie, i’ll be right back!” She faked a excited tone, grabbing the bowl and going to the dorm’s kitchen, rolling her eyes as she refilled the bowl. She when she found those dates boring, anything with Saerom was suddenly boring and she couldn’t do anything about it. However, for some reason, cheating on her in secret sounded better in Sujin’s head then just straight up breaking up, she didn’t want to break up with Saerom in the fear of hurting her, but wasn’t that what she was doing all along? In the inside, Sujin wouldn’t take seeing Saerom with a broken expression, with a broken heart, but this wasn’t her problem anymore, she grew cold over her just like everyone else she ever dated. Sujin had a problem with love and relationships, it showed, but she decided to keep growing the count of people she hurts.

However, the view of a broken heart was closer than she imagined.

As Sujin was in the kitchen preparing more popcorn, her phone left in the couch kept ringing messages, making her curious girlfriend look if she had some new friends, always worried about her loved one’s happiness, only to find out something that was the opposite of what she wanted.

[MIYEON @ 8:50 P.M] Long time no see, right?

[MIYEON @ 8:51 P.M] I bet you miss me

[MIYEON @ 8:51 P.M] Why don’t you come over to our secret spot and i can show you something?

[MIYEON @ 8:51 P.M] Ditch your girlfriend, she won’t even suspect

[MIYEON @ 8:52 P.M] I bought some wine

As Sujin finished to put a new load of popcorn in the bowl, she walked back to the living room, surprising herself at the view of her girlfriend standing up in pure disappointment, with her phone in hands, displaying a conversation in the screen.

“Since when?”

Sujin stayed silent.

“Fucking answer, Sujin!”

“It’s not what-”

“Don’t play that bullshit on me.”

It was dark, but Saerom’s eyes shined, and it wasn’t because of happiness. Tears started falling down her eyes, then to her cheeks, then dropping on the floor. She never saw her like that. Of course, Saerom was always vulnerable, but she never cried in front of her.

I’ll never forget what i felt when i saw your expression. You were completely broken in pieces, you couldn’t believe it, you didn’t want to, but everything that i talked about you, every single thing i did to you was registered, and you discovered everything once. You were so disappointed. When i look back at it, i always realize you actually loved me, truly, and i couldn’t see it, that’s completely cliché, like you used to say, but i didn’t understand, i didn’t know i could love again, i’m so sorry.

“I’m so sorry, Saerom, i-”

“No, you feel sorry because you got caught.” True. She feels sorry she got caught, because if she didn’t, she would play the act until Saerom felt tired and broke the relationship without knowing anything. All her doings being locked and never discovered, but reality is not like that, it’s painful and it’ll teach you lessons that you’ll be thankful someday, hopefully.

She stayed silent one more time. She was out of lies. There was nothing she could do anymore besides letting her go, maybe she was feeling regret, maybe not, her mind was only pure confusion and she could only think of losing something that one day she called hers. Only a possession, a toy, that was Sujin what considered Saerom at that point, someone good she can show off to her groupmates to show she moved on. However, Saerom was no doll, she had feelings and they were overflowing with sadness. It wasn’t something beautiful, it wasn’t something worth seeing anymore.

“You know... I thought you... you... Did you just lie to me this whole time?” She wiped her tears with her right arm, throwing Sujin’s phone on her couch. “Never look into my face again.” Saerom started grabbing her stuff, and something clicked into Sujin. She got closer, holding Saerom’s shoulders, keeping her from going away.

“Hold on... Please... I-i can explain.” Her voice failed, she was nervous, but showed no sadness. Saerom looked at the ground, she couldn’t take it, why? She loved Sujin so much? What did she do wrong?

“You’re just so fucking uncreative.” She looked in her eyes one more time, before going in direction of the exit, banging the door behind her, leaving Sujin staring at nothing, she wouldn’t go after her, she knew she didn’t deserve it, the fault was all hers, she knew it well. She always knew when she did something wrong. Sujin laid her head on the door, closing her eyes and landing two punches on it.

Silence. Since when silence started getting so overwhelming?

She used to love silence. The sensation of focusing on what you’re feeling, not what you’re hearing was something she used to always crave. But this silence wasn’t great, she didn’t want to feel what she was feeling, was she always like this? Was that the effect she caused on others? Sadness? The only thing she did all this time was break people’s hearts? She couldn’t understand because she always cared about herself, but when she looked at Saerom’s expression, memories came back to her, and they weren’t good.

“Do you mind telling me why Saerom sent me an audio message crying saying she never wants to see you again?” Kamlai got out of her dorm room, going straight to the living room as Sujin turned around, looking at her groupmate who didn’t look pleased. “God, i didn’t think you could pull that off again.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know. Saerom is a person, too! She’s my friend, Sujin, she’s not Delilah!”

Her eyes widened. Delilah. The name she’s been trying so hard to forget. She hated to hear that name so much, Kamlai knew it’d hurt, did she say it on purpose? Probably, it was her friend she messed with, after all, even if she loved Sujin, she was wrong. She did something she shouldn’t do.

“Don’t fucking mention that name.” Her voice got lower, it took silence to hear it. It was cold, she couldn’t show what was behind that name, but Kamlai knew very well, everyone knew.

“Why? Because you keep showing that even after loving someone like that you keep doing the same shit and break people’s hearts? That’s not cool, Sujin, when will you learn?”

“Why do you care?” Her voice now got louder, demanding answers from the older one.

“Because i care about you! You’re my friend! And i can’t take seeing you do those things! Because i know you’re a good person.”

“Maybe you don’t know me at all!”

“What is happening here?” Hyojin who was actually in the dorm, got out of her room to see the motive of the fight.

“It’s not your business, Hyojin, go drown yourself in another whiskey bottle and let me solve this alone.”

“What the fuck did you say?” She looked at the younger one in shock, Sujin realizing what she said just after she saw her leader’s expression, knowing that it was, still is a delicate matter to her.

She looked down, she couldn’t do anything that day anymore, she didn’t want to talk to anyone, she’d just end up hurting one more person to her count. Sujin let out a deep breath, running away from all that mess to her room.

“We’re talking later, Lee Sujin.” Hyojin screamed from the distance, in which she purely answered to banging the door behind her.

She just wanted to turn back in time.

APRIL, 2020.

The end arrived so fast that i couldn’t even process. I didn’t know what i was feeling, i still don’t know. I’m a slave to feelings, they take over me easily and make me do things i tend to regret just after. I can’t say i want you back, you’re better following your path without me, we’re both better without each other. But that doesn’t erase what i did, a plead of forgiveness or this letter won’t do it. But it’s the better way i can think of. Because i’m a coward. The biggest of them.

I hope you're out there, making sure that your dream turns into reality as fast as possible. You deserve it more than anyone else, you deserve to be happy. Maybe i’ll do, too, in a far future.

With you, i learned that holding onto the past won't make me feel better. I learned my lesson the hard way, but thank you. In the end, we had good memories, i hope you still remember those and don't see me as a monster.

Once again, i'm sorry, things just can’t be erased, however, they can get cured and become a good scar in the future. With sorrow;

Lee Sujin.

[writersrealmbts]

Con Amore: Part 14

Bulletproof Melody Sequel

Description: Con Amore– A directive to a musician to perform a selected passage of a composition tenderly, with affectionate emotion, or in a loving manner; an instruction to the player of an instrument meaning ‘with love’ or ‘lovingly’. Three years with all seven of your loves, three years of relative peace. But now everything is threatened as darkness surges from the horizon.

Originally Posted: 05/27/2020

Tags: Superheroes, Ot7

Fluff/Angst: 3,631 words

A/N: Dudes, stepping on a toothpick and imbedding an inch of it into your foot hurts like the dickens and makes walking a little difficult. Just in case you were wondering. Also, I’m trying to finish this series and it’s almost over, just bear with me a little longer.

“Nightingale!” Huening Kai’s face lit up as he recognized you.

Yeonjun glanced at the other boy, then relaxed as well, the tree slowly setting you down.

“We were just discretely practicing using our powers together,” Huening Kai explained, hugging you.

You pulled a twig from his hair. “Define discretely.”

“It doesn’t go above the tree-tops,” Yeonjun answered. “This area has the densest canopy, and is furthest from anyone that might detect us.”

You nodded. “We met, but you were slightly delirious. I’m Nightingale.”

He dipped his head. “I’ve heard much about you. I’m Yeonjun.”

You dipped your head in return. “Come on, back to the house.”

They nodded, walking with you.

“How is everything going?” Hueningkai asked, bouncing a little. He seemed much better after spending time with all of the boys, and it made you feel lighter in your heart to see him that happy.

You would take any source of happy you could get since you felt like you were way too close to crying.

“Well, everyone was alive when I left, so nothing much since the last update I sent to Soobin.” You glanced at the sky. It was beautiful, wherever this safehouse was.

“We cleaned the house, and got everything ready and set up, just like you asked,” Yeonjun said quietly, a little nervous.

“Thank you, Yeonjun. I appreciate everything you boys have done, and are doing.”

Soobin was reading when the three of you entered the house, but he looked up and closed the book.

The other two were talking while doing origami, but they halted when they noticed you.

You nodded. “Hey boys.”

Soobin came over to you, a questioning look.

“Let’s sit down and we’ll talk about what’s going to happen from here on out,” You said, addressing all of them.

They sat down around the table with you, looking nervous.

“I guess…before we start I want to gauge how much you guys know about the whole situation.” You kept your voice soft, slightly melodic, to try and maintain a sense of calm in them. You didn’t want to scare them, you just wanted to know what they knew so that you wouldn’t be repeating things they already knew.

“The Temple is gone, but they’re still out there, preparing to fight alongside you,” Huening Kai started, seeming nervous still. “The Conservatory is also a dangerous place, and we…were in danger there.”

You nodded.

Soobin looked worried.

“The group that they’re fighting is one that takes supers and strips them of their powers,” Taehyun spoke softly. “That is, if they don’t kill them.”

“You’re pregnant,” Beomgyu added. “You were supposed to be here alone for the remainder of the battle to keep the baby safe. But…they were too powerful to bring to the conservatory, so you sent all of us here, to keep us safe. Because the conservatory…isn’t…safe for people who are powerful. So, now you’re going to be relying on us to help you through however long it takes for the fighting to stop—which could be after the baby is born. We can’t be detected, because that could put all of us in danger. And if there is danger, you’ll be relying on us to protect you to some extent.”

Soobin’s eyes widened. “You’re….”

You nodded. “Due date is February 6th.”

Yeonjun was sitting up straight now. “Will the baby…have your ability?” He asked carefully.

You appreciated the discretion he showed. “There’s a very high possibility.”

He nodded sharply, looking more certain and determined. “Then we’ll keep you safe.”

Beomgyu and Soobin looked confused, but the other two nodded in acknowledgment, both looking a little awestruck. Huening Kai probably knew a little bit about you being pregnant, but he probably hadn’t put everything together.

You took a deep breath. “You all know each other’s real names?”

They all nodded.

“We…we were talking about forming a team,” Beomgyu told you, meeting the other boys’ gaze.

“Your team really…we really admire them. I don’t know if we’ll ever be as good as them, but we think we could do some good.”

You nodded. “You three wish to leave the temple?”

Taehyun frowned slightly. “We wish to cooperate with the temple, but have autonomy.”

You smiled. “That’s fine. I’m not going to stop you, I just…was surprised.”

Yeonjun was smiling now. “I think it was good that we had time together before you arrived.”

Soobin was smiling quietly, emitting a sense of peace. He let his pointed ears show around them, a sure sign that he felt comfortable.

“I’m glad you all are getting along so well. Now, I’m going to…fill in the blanks.” You looked around. “Let’s sit in the living room. This is really uncomfortable.”

They transitioned easily.

You gave them the complete rundown of what the Oasis group was, how they operated, and how they were looking for you. You covered the entire plan for fighting the Oasis, and possibly the Conservatory. Why you were going to fight the Conservatory. You started from the initial attack on the boys to today, leaving out the aspects involving your archives.

Because that was a completely different topic.

You took a breath as they absorbed the complete plan, hand resting on your stomach.

Taehyun didn’t look surprised by any of it, calm as you explained everything. So much that you figured he had known the moment he read you. So, while you were finishing explaining, he was getting everyone some water.

You gratefully took the glass he handed you, meeting his gaze. “You read me completely?”

He looked away. “I’ve read everyone. It wasn’t on purpose. But…there’s still something about you that I know is there, but that I couldn’t read. Like there was a steel wall that I came up against.”

You nodded slowly. “Okay….”

“Sorry, I really didn’t mean to read you, I know—”

“You couldn’t help it, you weren’t in the best condition,” You excused with a shake of your head. “Sit. I’m going to tell you guys some things that will never be repeated. Ever. Because it might be important during this time where we’re relying on one another.”

They all sat up a little straighter, looking concerned.

You quickly hummed a protection song, making sure only they could hear what you were about to say, then curled up in the chair to start what would have to be a story to explain everything. “There are objects in the world, artifacts, that can hold or that were imbued with power. Sometimes the power is so quiet, no one ever notices, and other times they are so powerful that everyone notices—and use it to their advantage. No matter what the power is, in the wrong hands it can be very dangerous. For many generations there have been supers, specialists, who collect these objects to protect the world. They are known as archivists by some. Librarians. Warehouse keepers. Bankers. Historians. They are born with two powers—the ability to sense powers in others and objects, and the ability to store absolutely anything. These stored items go into pocket dimensions that usually can only be accessed by those who have the same abilities. They pass the duties on, generation to generation, building up the store of powerful objects and recording each one in a truly extensive inventory manifest. They can store things like happiness, or they can store things like a sword that has been imbued with the powers of a super-villain who was able to control people through their blood. A spell scroll, or a spoon that makes soup cold but drinks hot.”

Huening Kai laughed a little.

You smiled. “New, powerful objects are created almost every day, and it’s the job of these archivists to track them down and remove them from the public before they can be used in a way that would be detrimental to the world. Which sometimes means stealing. The wrong thing, for the right reason.” You met Beomgyu’s gaze.

He met it and nodded.

“But, over the years, the main archivist line dwindled due to…various issues. The collapse of a mine, an aging artifact that turned another to dust, another one that got turned into a frog when they weren’t careful enough and…well, they were happy for the rest of their life but no one was able to turn them back.” You shook your head as you thought about that one. It was sort of bittersweet. His wife joined him as a frog, and they had lots of tadpoles—but even if he had been turned back, he would have been stripped of his powers by the artifact turning him into a frog. It was probably best he live his life the way he did. Frogs aren’t as affected by death. “Until there was only one lineage left. They had one child, a son. He was an excellent archivist—smart and skilled. He was the best retrieval specialist that had been in the family in ages. And he met an acrobat, a woman with music manipulation. He helped other supers, and he married her. She helped him with the archives. Everything has a melody to someone with music manipulation, and finding things with similar melodies helps keep things organized in a way that keeps the archives safe for those that enter it. She helped him work out a way to neutralize the artifacts in the archives.”

“Your parents?” Soobin asked.

You nodded. “My parents. They died. My mother died when I was sixteen. My father three years ago, in that fight in my hometown—even though I had believed him to be dead since my mother’s death.”

“You’re the last archivist?”

You shrugged. “As far as I am aware. There could be other lines out there, but none that I’m aware of.”

“The rocking chair,” Soobin whispered. “It really was….”

You nodded. “Very. I’m so sorry.”

He shuddered, curling closer to Yeonjun. “And the whispers I heard?”

“Very real,” You whispered, wishing it didn’t hurt him to hear this.

He nodded though. “But you got rid of it? After…?”

“It’s gone. It’ll never hurt anyone again. Not as long as the archives are safe.” You had gone to the place where he had lived after taking him to the orphanage, having heard his story of his parents and why he joined the conservatory. That rocking chair had it’s own archive, one that you locked in the most complicated way possible to try and prevent even yourself from going in.

“Good.”

Yeonjun put an arm around the other boy’s shoulders. “And you do all of that while still fighting with them?”

You shrugged. “I’ve been focusing more on the archives the past few years, but yes. I fight with them when they need me. But, there’s some more we’re going to have to go over.”

They waited for you to continue.

“While we’re here, we’re in hiding. Everyone needs to believe that we are normal. So if I go somewhere with you, you’re going to address me by my real name. Y/n. Use language barriers to your advantage. The cover story is that Soobin is my brother-in-law, and his brother travels for work. You guys came visiting with him for the summer for a new experience. Okay?”

They nodded.

You nodded in return. “Other than that, as long as the house stays relatively clean, you’re free to do as you wish. I’ve been having a lot of overpowering memories lately, so if you hear me singing….”

“Get Soobin-hyung to stop you?”

You hesitated, then nodded. “Earplugs usually help, too. I’ll make sure to soundproof my room in case I sing in my sleep—it hasn’t happened since I was a child, but I’ve never been pregnant before so we’ll see what happens. Which rooms did you guys take?”

“Uh, we’ve just been sharing two of the rooms. We left the master bedroom and the one next to it.”

You nodded. “Okay, well, that works. I’m going to go lay down for a while, and rest my back.”

“Okay, we won’t let you down, Noona,” Soobin said, smiling at you.

You smiled back and headed to the master bedroom, laying down with a sigh of relief. It was much better than those school beds.

But so very empty.

You curled onto your side, arms wrapped around your stomach. “We’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.”

And you kept telling yourself that, imagining it in all of their voices.

“We’ll be okay,” She sang softly, rubbing her nose against yours. “We always are. Now, try again.”

You looked nervously around. “But…what if I break something?”

“Then we’ll fix it. You, me, and your dad. Or, we can go get ice cream while your dad fixes it.” She gave you a conspiratorial look. “Now, just try.”

You took a deep breath and stared out across the water. You should sing. That was the whole point. But you were scared. The last time you had sung, you had brought down an entire building. What if you destroyed the lake? The trees? Your mom?

She wrapped her arms around your shoulders and held you tight. “I know it’s scary. We can sing things in and out of existence. It is a very big responsibility. Maybe even more so than the ability you inherited from your father. We can make people feel things, and see things. It’s really important that we learn to control our abilities, hone these abilities so that when the time comes, we can do whatever we need to—whether that’s protecting those we love, or…something else.”

“I don’t want it,” You told her, on the verge of crying. “Why did I have to have any powers? I don’t want this!”

Her grip tightened on you, your voice having just enough melodic edge to cut through and take down the nearest trees which crashed down loudly.

You trembled in her hold. “Mom.”

“It’s okay, hummingbird.” She held you tighter as another tree crashed around you, singing the words. “We’ll be okay, little one. Just you and me, little one. Hold on tight, and don’t let go. I am here, and I love you so.”

“I’m scared,” You whispered eyes shut tightly.

“You are safe, little one,” She continued singing, her voice drowning out the sounds around you. “Wrapped so warmly in arms, you will never come to harm. Just hold tight, little one. Know that things will be alright, little one. With your song within my heart, we will never be apart. We will be okay, little one. Just you and me, little one. You are loved and you are safe, that can never be erased. We will be okay.”

When you opened your eyes, the whole forest had flattened around you, but there was a perfect circle around the two of you where no tree or branch had landed.

“Tinny, he’s hurt!”

You whipped toward Hoseok, then hurried over. “What happened?”

“I don’t know. I need to get bback to the others,” He said, rushing out.

You quickly started checking Yoongi over, humming along to his melody to strengthen him. You grabbed bandages and the suture kit. “You’re supposed to be careful.”

“Sorry,” He apologized, but he sounded like he was in pain.

“Don’t be sorry, be okay,” You scolded, but it was more teasing than anything. “You’re lucky I know some healing melodies.”

“Please tell me you aren’t going to go all Disney on me,” He groaned.

“Have to admit, it’s effective,” You countered, sanitizing the wound and the area around the wound. “But no, I was going to go for Lord of the Rings, possible Chronicles of Narnia if I could remember how that one melody goes, but mostly I was going to go for Lord of the Rings.”

“Remind me to help you write better healing songs,” He hissed, gripping the table.

“Have you even heard this one?” You countered. “Also, you can’t be in too bad of shape to be bantering with me this much.”

“Need to get back out there, no one’s watching their backs.”

“The problem is that no one watched yours,” You argued. “Now hold still. I’m going to stitch this, and try to heal you a bit. Now, I know it won’t sound like a healing song, but it is most effective.”

He winced, but nodded.

You started stitching him up carefully. “Immen duath caeda, sui tollech gwanna tach omen, boe naid bain gwannathar, boe cuil ban firitha.”

He seemed to relax fractionally and you could feel his gaze on you.

“With a sigh, you turn away, with a deepening heart, no more words to say. You will find that the world has changed forever.” You finished the last suture. “And the trees are now turning from green to gold and the sun is now fading, I wish I could hold you closer.”

He was still staring at you when you met his gaze, having finished the song.

“Did it not work?” You asked, a little concerned. It felt like it had to you.

“I’ve never heard you really singing before, or…I have, but this is the first time I feel like I’ve actually heard it.” He finally looked away. “You have the most beautiful voice I’ve ever heard.”

You checked his wound one last time. “That should hold you over until after this. Go. Watch their backs.”

He stopped you after getting up again, gently kissing you. “You should sing more. You look so happy when you sing.”

You shook your head. “No. It’s too dangerous.”

He sighed as he turned away from you.

“We’re gonna die,” Jimin said, running behind you. “We’re gonna die.”

“We’re not gonna die! And we’d be even less likely to die if you hadn’t stolen that bracelet from the archives!” You argued, skidding around a corner. “Now, I have to make hallways and argue with you while being chased by hellhounds!”

“Not-nice doggies!” Jimin yelled. “Bad doggies!”

“Very helpful!” You skidded around the next corner, losing your footing and scrambling to get back to your feet and down the new hall.

“How do we stop the not-nice doggies?!”

“Well, I have one idea, but it’ll effect you too.”

“Do it!”

“But—”

“I’d rather you do something to me than those things! What are you going to do?”

“Sing a lullaby, but it could put you in such a deep sleep that you might not wake up!”

“I’ll wake up. You’ll wake me up. Sing the lullaby!”

You were pacing, trying to think of another song. One that would wake him. But you had tried every song about awakening or coming out of sleep or dreams that you could think of and….

“It’s not your fault,” Jin said softly.

You jumped, not having realized he was there. “It actually is. It takes more power than the human body can handle to sing an artifact into dormancy and I should have….”

“He knew the risks. Frankly, sleeping to death sounds way better then getting torn apart by demonic dogs.” He came over and leaned against the table next to you. He had a sheaf of papers.

“What’s that?”

He looked at it sheepishly. “Well…we all wanted to come up with songs to help you help us. This was mine. I thought…maybe it might help?”

You took it as he offered it. “‘Awake’.”

He shrugged again, ears and face getting red. “I know it’s a long shot—”

“You’ll have to sing it first,” You said, looking through it. You didn’t necessarily need him to, but you wanted to. You took the sheet music over to the piano.

“Oh…I….”

“It is your song, after all.” You pointed out, studying it for a moment before resting your hands on the keys, anything to distract yourself. Maybe you were too focused on the issue.

So he sang, and you harmonized.

Jimin woke up.

“I don’t get it,” Jungkook said, staring up at the ceiling with you. “So, you can’t even sing a harmless song like…‘ring around the rosie’?”

“First of all, there is nothing harmless about that song considering it’s believed in some circles to be a song about black death, and since I’ve heard that theory…it’s not exactly something I would like to experiment with.”

“Yeah…maybe not. What about…the itzy-bitzy spider?”

“That’s cruel and unusual punishment, even for spiders.”

“Baa baa black sheep?”

You paused. “Surprisingly tame, but still not great for the sheep.”

“Mary had a little lamb?”

“I turned someone into a sheep by singing that song. Took me weeks to turn him back,” You muttered. “And then I had to erase both of their memories and it was a whole debacle.”

“Jack and Jill?”

“Really? You have to ask about that one?”

“Oh, right. Probably not a good idea.”

“Probably not.”

“Wait, will our kid have your powers?”

You grimaced. “There is a strong possibility?”

“Is the alphabet song safe?”

“Yep.”

“Thank God. Any others?”

“Why don’t we cross that bridge when we get to it?” You suggested.

“Because I think this might take longer than we have,” He laughed, rolling onto his stomach to look at you better.

“And you can’t think of anything else to talk about?”

He grinned. “And I can’t think of anything else to talk about.”

You laughed, closing your eyes.

But when you opened them….

There was a soft knock on the door.

“Y/n? We made dinner if you’re hungry?” Soobin called gently.

You took a moment to get your breath back. “Be out in a minute,” You called, wiping away the tears that had formed in your eyes. You couldn’t break on the first day. You just…couldn’t.

~~~~

Part 13.   Part 15.

Masterlist.  ~  Series Masterpost.  

Tagging: @ephemeral-mindset​, @alex–awesome–22​, @bryvada​, @missmoxxiesworld​, @knjhe, @i-dont-even-know-fck

[darlinique]

[elliot voice] Jesus Fucking Christ

ah. This Shit, finally. some (MANY) robo-thoughts that aren’t all Joaks regarding 4x02, for the sake of my own organization and mapping bc *mcdonald corporate overlord jingle* I’m Losin’ It. so let’s just get this started:

1. another alter confirmation! huh. i know this one has long been theorized & i always looked at the evidence as subjective, but it’s definitely concrete now. nice work to anyone who called it early 🤙🤙 with this in mind though, we can comb back over the series to examine places where this alter may have fronted without us being aware at the time. i haven’t rewatched yet (gotta get on that), but from what i can remember, there’s certain interactions that stick out.

so, this is about to be my pepe silvia moment.

of course, the most notable is when tyrell recited the red wheelbarrow poem after his confrontation with robot in the car. whoever he was speaking to at that moment and whoever told him he wasn’t seeing what was above him definitely wasn’t elliot or robot—elliot has no recollection of the meeting at all, and robot demanded to know what the fuck tyrell was talking about in the arcade when he brought that exchange back up. plus, the demeanor of whoever was fronting was just...entirely different from what we’ve seen of both elliot and robot.

elliot takes on a similar demeanor when he berates bill harper in season 1. now i have to wonder, was this really elliot talking down to bill, or did this other alter front to handle it? if this were the other alter, theoretically, it makes me wonder why he’d front here. or why he fronted around tyrell...or why he wanted to name stage 2 after the poem tyrell recited. i don’t think i can fully place his intentions.

the halloween scene where darlene asks elliot to put on the mr robot jacket and mask, and elliot, under the mask, begins to calmly explain his ideas that eventually led to 5/9. this was framed as robot fronting before—maybe even the first time robot fronted—but...maybe it wasn’t even robot? i also have to remember that at the end of s1, robot begs elliot to not let darlene & angela get rid of him “again.” so robot seems to have existed for a while, and elliot can’t remember it? i’m assuming he was dormant? then maybe it was the birth of this other alter? but regarding another theory i’ll mention later, that doesn’t correlate. my god, So Much Is Happening.

the flashback where edward alderson (presumably) dies and young elliot leaves his body behind in the lobby to go sit in the movie theater. that kid wasn’t acting like the elliot we’ve known over the series. if this is actually that alter fronting, then how long has he existed? and who was the imaginary friend he was talking to in the theater? or was this elliot, and maybe he was seeing the alter as he “sees” robot beside him? who knows anymore!

2. this is all especially so tricky because while some instances are more definitive than others (i would consider the initial red wheelbarrow scene a definite instance of this alter fronting), i can’t actually place For Certain if these other speculations are true or not. because i can’t be positive about who was fronting when in light of the reveal, i can’t actually pin down...much of anything about the alter. we know he didn’t care much about vera returning. he’s calm and not reactive, sure. but what does he want? and what’s he been doing? (and if the speculations i brought up are correct, it seems to lean toward supporting that this alter may have more sinister intentions...? sinister as in: trying to keep the current, unfortunate status quo. or maybe he’s just handling dirty work to protect elliot? and what’s his deal with tyrell+the poem? more about that last one later, i guess.)

3. there are still several unaccounted for time periods that elliot has lost. the month between seasons 3 & 4 (during which darlene told the alter about vera), the month(?) after shayla died, and the three days after irving+the dark army took tyrell. we know this alter definitely fronted at some point between s3 & s4 based off of what darlene said, but was he ever in control during these other periods? was it robot? a combination? i’m stressing myself out trying to place these, lol.

4. but, regarding the reveal, i’d also like to think about what sam said this “twist” leads to, and that is a plotline that he’s called surprising but inevitable, and one that should feel earned. the word inevitable catches my attention most out of these, because that implies that whatever’s coming has been built up for the whole series—which is something else that sam has confirmed. sam has also said that while knows third alter theories have existed, he hasn’t seen anyone figure it out entirely. a lot of people on the subreddit jumped on the bandwagon again that the third alter was tyrell (and even more people gave them hell for it, lol) due to the end scene being in his meeting room from s1, but this theory can’t be true. not only because it’s been guessed multiple times (and sam said that the truth hasn’t been guessed), but because of other reasons that just don’t line up.

some include the fact that tyrell and elliot were separated on the FBI board in s2, the fact that elliot was in jail while the general public was searching for tyrell (the world would know if The Most Wanted Man were in prison), tyrell being in hiding when elliot was stopping the NY building from blowing up (prior to the 71 ecorp buildings attack), just...many, many things. tyrell is indisputably his own person.

going from there, the alter can’t be angela or darlene, either. these have both also been previously guessed, and the timelines just wouldn’t make sense. they all have definitely been in different places at different times, doing different things. i’ve seen people suggest (following 4x02) that the alter may be leon, but that also can’t be true, because trenton & mobley would’ve recognized him as elliot, and trenton trusted elliot enough to send him the backup email. and i really, really don’t believe she knew about elliot’s DID. vera is most likely not the alter either, because he had a plotline that involved his brother (and why would darlene tell vera she saw vera? that’s pretty convoluted).

5. so, if i’m trying to determine who this alter might be, i think it would require another examination of the season 1 dream sequence. i’m pretty sure that’s still applicable, and it’s really the only thing i think i can still turn to, lol. in the dream, angela tells elliot that he was only born a month ago. i have to consider that maybe this new alter may have been the original host, and who we know as elliot is an alter who only came about at the beginning of the show, or a bit prior to it, chronologically. that might make sense, but then...if this alter who seems to be very different than the elliot we know was fronting for almost every other moment of elliot’s life, why don’t darlene or angela notice a difference in elliot in s1 if a new alter is fronting? basically, there’s a lot to consider with all of this. the dream sequence can be read a whole bunch of different ways, and honestly, i still don’t even know what the key is supposed to symbolize for sure. so this is also speculation, obviously.

6. a theory that seems to have gained traction on reddit is that elliot’s online alias, sam sepiol, may have more to do with him than we think. people have suggested that this new alter has existed for a long time and was probably created due to a childhood trauma that elliot has repressed regarding someone named sam. in s2, elliot does say he had a friend named sam as a child, but as far as i recall, this is the only mention of sam outside of elliot’s online presence (and the scene with bill, obviously). while this makes logical sense for why elliot could have developed DID, i don’t really think there’s been much hinting at him having childhood trauma revolving around some kid he knew / a friend he had? because esmail said this plot should feel inevitable, it just makes me wonder. i don’t think a reveal like this would feel like it was coming, or as if it’s been “earned.” but it still does make some sense! i would just need to see more evidence. maybe that rewatch will help.

7. a reveal that i think would feel “earned” would be that the audience that elliot speaks to may be this alter. or, that we are the alter, who have been watching this show. because of how ingrained elliot’s narration has been in the style of the show itself, that could definitely be a big move—revealing that elliot hasn’t been talking to us, but to another alter. there’s a hole in this theory, though, because both elliot and robot were unaware of this alter’s presence (evident by their reactions at the end of 4x02). maybe esmail could justify that elliot hasn’t realized he’s been talking to another alter? hmm. this one is up in the air, too.

8. so, going back to the end of 4x02 regarding elliot’s alters...why was the young version of him in the room tyrell brought elliot to in s1? and in the same chair? is it symbolic of a higher power—those who play god, elliot once said?—or does it have to do with tyrell specifically? i want to say it’s symbolic, but tyrell’s impact seems to have some weird role in this. again, why did this alter we’re being introduced to front after the confrontation in tyrell’s car, just to listen to his desperate ramblings & admissions and then tell tyrell to see what’s above him? doesn’t that seem religious in nature, parallel to how tyrell’s love of elliot is pseudo-religious? is this exchange why tyrell’s love of elliot manifested in such a pseudo-religious manner? and why again did this alter choose to name stage 2 after the poem tyrell shared with him? i initially assumed it was to mock him, but from what i recall, tyrell seemed genuinely touched by the gesture in season 3. so, i guess what i’m trying to figure out is: what does this alter want with tyrell?

(broke theory: this alter recalls elliot’s initial trauma that led to his DID and empathizes with tyrell sharing a memory that’s affected his psyche for all his adult life;

woke theory: the alter just has a crush on tyrell and is acting out for his attention)

9. i’m not sure...with any of this, i guess. i’m really just not sure! like i said, this post is just an amalgam of Thoughts that have been nagging at me. hopefully the next few episodes will help me start to put more pieces of this whole puzzle together. and, uh, that rewatch too, of course.

10. so, onto another topic: whiterose! and her plan! someone on reddit came up with a theory i think makes a lot of sense, if it hasn’t hit the nail on the head entirely: she’s collecting everyone’s private & personal data around the world because she’s making a virtual reality. Of Reality. she’s creating a digital copy of everything & everyone who’s existed in the world to shape as she sees fit. maybe with some wacky, illegal technology. don’t know why the congo is necessary for that, though. anyways, angela claims to have seen this project, and angela also claimed that she knew there was a way to take this project away from whiterose. i think this theory is a good mix of both sci-fi & being realistic. or, realistic in the sense that a major antagonist could have it as her monumental Moment Of Evil trump card. i’d love to see how close this idea is to the actual plan that’s happening on the show. i thought it was a good guess, at least.

11. just a general comment, but i’m so glad darlene played a bigger role in this episode. i love seeing her and elliot work together, and while i’m also worried for her safety, it’s good to have her in on the plan. literally, my greatest priority for the end of the series is that her and elliot are safe, lol. and preferably happy. maybe that last one is a stretch, but... i’d really, really just like to see the aldersons survive and come out on top.

12. that’s enough yelling, right? right. wow, i’ve spent a lot of time trying to organize everything i’ve been feeling. lol. UH, ANYWAYS THOUGH—if anyone has any other theories to discuss that i haven’t mentioned (and you want to discuss them, of course)—just let me know!!! i’m so stressed! i love & hate the Thinking this show requires! Oh, Boy! but thanks to anyone who made it through this XOXO. ur sacrifice of time will be remembered...by me, and not whiterose. el oh el.

13. and remember 2 Keep it 💯

[kitsoa]

Worlds as Dreams and the Act of Waking up P.1 Traversing Hearts

"Traversing hearts to reach worlds, not for traversing worlds to reach hearts,"

Dear lord help me. I know we basically have an understanding of the Power of Waking but I was brainstorming its nature (again), and came to few conclusions that speak on the nature of the series as whole. Namely the concept of Kingdom Hearts as a self-aware fictional construct/dream and how the act of ‘waking up’ results in fading from the dream to some kind of disconnected reality. 

The Power of Waking is the power to free a heart from sleep. Full stop. But it later gets re-contextualized by the above quote and the wording is a little strange because... the PoW as a form of travel doesn’t make a lick of sense. That doesn’t wake anyone up.

But you know what does?

The Station of Awakening. More specifically-- the questions asked in the dream world. 

The Right Way

These questions came from my attempt to define the ‘abuse’ of the PoW used. See abuse in this context comes in 3 forms. You either abuse something by using it wrong.… using it too much or both. Based on YMX’s warning quote, Sora is clearly using it the wrong, reverse way... but I’ll take the gander and say that its a ‘both’ scenario because he doesn’t immediately suffer the consequences until he abuses it one last time. But the take-away not being recognized is that there is a right way to use the power. 

According to YMX traversing hearts to reach worlds is the correct way to use it. So let’s follow this logic. 

To traverse is to “travel across or through.” I originally focused on the common use of ‘traverse’ as a synonym for the actual act of travel-- covering ground, getting somewhere. ... but traveling through something can have a very literal interpretation.  To ‘pass through’ the heart is to treat the heart as a portal. 

And the only worlds we find in hearts are the empty Heart-Worlds encountered in a Dive to the Heart. Which brings me to the textbook example of the right way to use the Power of Waking:

Riku Does it Right

Riku’s use of the PoW to awaken Sora from his Darkness-Induced Sleep in DDD. Aka. The real reason Riku was named Master. I’ve said this before that the Stations are not the inside of the Heart so much as the front door. Hearts appear to be entire worlds on the inside. So therefore Riku used the PoW to go through Sora’s Heart to reach... A World. Textbook. But what’s so interesting about it is-- sure he used the power to get there, but what woke Sora was....

Answering the Station of Awakening Questions. The Questions that determine your play-through stats. The questions that define Sora before the start of any journey. So this has major connotations for what is required to wake up a heart and continue on. Definition, guidance-- a variable granted by we the players. This is potentially unique to Sora due to his role as main character (if we begin to lean on the self-aware reading) but ultimately the space these questions occur in is just as necessary. 

So is it a World or a Dream?

Defining this Heart space is vital to understanding the means of reversing the PoW. I stand by this idea that the Heart-Worlds, like everything else in this universe is very much a literal, physical place. The physical body can be transported to the Stations as seen in the Roxas v. Sora fight and Riku is physically in Sora’s Station and therefore his Heart-world. I will add that in this interpretation I view the Scala ad Caelum we witness to be the Heart-World of Xehanort as it is accessed via portal in the same manner as Riku to Sora. 

But the big commonality is that they are reflections of a dear world. Dare I say, playing into the phrase “home is where the heart is” and reversing it as “heart is where the home is.” But it can’t be ignore the fact that these Heart-Worlds are also only manifest in dreams. The entire Station of Awakening episode exists in a dream, and is therefore also a dream world. Riku, perusing Sora’s dreams wakes him up by answering his Station questions for him. Dreams, ushered in by sleep cross over with death which allows overlap from the Station to the Final World. 

Dream worlds are made by the heart (human or world). The worlds inside the heart, are dreams. 

So if we re-contextualize ‘worlds’ as ‘dreams’ then the PoW is simply going through a heart to end a dream from the inside, therefore waking the heart up. 

Visual Shortcut

Now Sora adds this extra layer of visual understanding to the process because we see the heart that is traversed to reach the (dream) world within it. But when applied to other hearts, the visual cue of the stations is sometimes skipped and the method of which to wake the heart from that heart-world-dream the PoW leads the user to, isn’t even seen. 

Take Ventus for example. Sora begins the process at his Station of awakening, Ventus heart is stirring.

And Sora doesn’t even manifest until he calls upon the power with his whole heart. 

From there, Sora opens up this doorway to his heart-world (which appears as a serene rendition of Destiny Islands) , but he doesn’t enter that world. He simply brings Ventus’s heart station to the surface in a flurry of birds from it. 

Then the use of the PoW is in full use as Sora goes through Ventus’s heart to reach the heart-world dream that imprisons Ven in a sleeping state. A heart-world that we haven’t seen but I suspect is probably a variation of the Land of Departure, in the vein of the Blank Point’s scene with Ven sleeping. We don’t see this world/dream but we go through the heart to reach it and the PoW grants that transfer. There is no necessary questions to awaken Ven as that is most likely a Sora wake-up thing from our understanding and technically speaking, Ven was already waking up from external factors. He simply needed to be freed. So almost textbook example of the PoW but still an un-abusive, proper use of the power. 

Layers of Dream

The most enlightening use of the PoW comes from the scenario of the Sleeping Worlds. The actual waking up process is not dependent on one dream trapping the heart, but seven. In fact, it’s an almost arbitrary number of Seven Sleeping Keyholes tasked to the adventuring duo, solidifying that the worlds in peril are intrinsically connected by virtue of their simultaneous fall to darkness. Simply traversing to one of the sleeping world’s dreams and ending or releasing it will not do the trick (like it will do for Ventus and Sora), they all appear trapped under a larger, collective dream and the worlds are therefore stacked upon each other, interconnected. 

So there are dreams stacked upon dreams. Sora unlocking the keyhole for each consecutive world’s dream, releases it from sleep, but only when they all are released can the worlds’ hearts return to the RoL from slumber en mass. The PoW being used here, is therefore a prolonged process. It’s worth noting that Yen Sid references this journey as a means to learn the Power of Waking. They will only finish using the power (for the first time) when the Sleeping Worlds have actually awoken simultaneously.  And the process of ‘reaching the worlds’ (to quote YMX) is a multi-part series. A kind of 7-in-1 bargain of PoW use. Ultimately, Sora is still using the power correctly as it is allowing him to pass through the hearts of the worlds (Destiny Islands heart as the entry point) to reach the dream-worlds within, where he wakes them up. 

Sora can only get to the next dream by releasing the dream from before. It’s a kind of progression that suggests layers and layers are not without depth. 

The key take-away is that these worlds/dreams can be stacked and layered. This creates a sort of compulsory pathway towards some kind of ‘altitude’ in reality. In the proper use of the power. Sora travels deeper, dream to dream, and ends up close to the abyss of dark eternal slumber, pushed over the edge by the Organization and a second sleep. The act of moving through these interconnected layers sends him down. He’s sent deeper into a dream. 

So what happens if he used the PoW in the opposite direction? 

Well reversing the logic, supposedly Sora would fall out of the dreams... more and more.... He’d ‘wake up’ from each layer of dreaming. 

And if the world he originates from isn’t completely real. Is more akin to a fantastical dream.  

He’d probably fall out of his own reality. 

Part 2. “Traversing Worlds to Reach Hearts”

[somnilogical]

they will never be as strong or as fast as i can be

copy/pasted from a convo:

<<somni: ive been exploiting being able to talk about everything vs miri/cfar cant do what i do bc if they did they would talk about how they are evil. it would all chain back.

somni: omg i can just post this to my blog because i can talk about my meta-strategy and it confers pretty much no relative advantage to miri/cfar. because 1 most of them have disassembled their agency so its like talking in front someone who works at the dmv about taking over the world and the ones that have any agency (basically just anna salamon) have to work with and coordinate via brokenness the masses that have and 2 feels secure in the way that saying ill use my soul as my weapon feels secure, like the power of this technique doesnt depend much on people not knowing im using it.>>

truth is entangled and lies contagious. justice is entangled and injustice contagious. in order to sustain their facade, miri/cfar had to chain back to lie about the principles of decision theory itself. lie about the organization structure of cfar, lie about miri's fundraiser. and so much more.

any series of reasoned claims they make will chain back to stuff thats false or injustice, because they seek to maintain a region of untruth and injustice.

so yeah, miri/cfar basically cant talk in public except in staid formalities infinitely pouring the same entropy of "these people are psychotic" "these people are infohazards" "do not read what they write" "stay the course" "everything is under control, do not panic" "i know my associates at miri/cfar, they are good people" "if you talk with these people you may become a rapist". but not actually able to manifest dynamic compute. to explain themselves they built their own personal room 101, filled with miri/cfar affiliates and formed a united front of gaslighting. deluks (author of that one rationalist blog where they worked to read and summarize all the others) talks about the kind of compute miri/cfar manifested:

<<deluks: I also updated a lot based on Bay Area safety discussion

idk if I have ever been in such a hostile environment for anyone trying to discuss making thigns safer

If you wanted to discuss how Anna et all were innocent people would happily chat with you

If you tried to discuss ideas for making things safer either you got silence

or people would be insanely hostle if you plausibly slipped up at all

or even seemed like you might have been not careful enough in how you phrased things

extremely careful -> no engagement at all//even slightly less care -> get dogpilled>>

they have picked up the optimization style of of cops, as alice maz described them:

<<the role of the cop is to defend society against the members of society. police officers are trivially cops. firefighters and paramedics, despite similar aesthetic trappings, are emphatically not. bureaucrats and prosecutors are cops, as are the worst judges, though the best are not. schoolteachers and therapists are almost always cops; this is a great crime, as they present themselves to the young and the vulnerable as their friends, only to turn on them should they violate one of their profession's many taboos. soldiers and parents need not be cops, but the former may be used as such, and the latter seem frighteningly eager to enlist. the cop is the enemy of passion and the enemy of freedom, never forget this>>

i can travel lots of places and regenerate truth and justice.

i can go to a trans support group in the bay and show them logs of what elle said and did and they can recognize the pattern of minority oppression, transmisogyny.

i can talk with uninvolved decision-theorists about why paying out to oneshot blackmail with subjunctive dependence because "In game theory, paying out to blackmail is bad, because it creates an incentive for more future blackmail." is wrong. and why exploiting your subjunctive dependence as a udt agent to not pay out is right. they cant.

--

miri/cfar have to centrally coordinate on lies or they start crashing into each other. independently generating falsehoods in isolation makes them point in all directions.

independently generating and working off of truths allows everything to point in the same direction without needing to communicate. i can write this post and then idk maybe someone im algorithmically colluding with on this writes another post and they dont come out all distorted and skew with each other. this caches out in what looks from the outside as an uncanny ability to start dynamically colluding with people and output distinct strains of philosophy based on shared precepts.

interference with yourself looks like kelsey piper trying to claim that emma and somni are starting some sort of rape cult and anna and miri/cfar trying to claim we are naive victims of ziz's cult and ▘▕▜▋ claiming emma and somni are mindhacking ziz to make her bully them and jade nameless claiming im doing this to get a job at cfar and ...

since they make up their fake coordination points independently they smash into each other. if they want to coordinate over lots of people they then have to work out which of these they want to coordinate around in a sort of market of falsehoods. and have to arrange for it to not contradict any information anything people know. but they dont know all the information everyone knows, and they wont know it even after combing through lots of blogs and reading lots of discord chats.

when they try coordinating on falsehoods like this, its hard to get a coalition together in an environment where what people know is rapidly changing because a bunch of anarchist bloggers keep posting things in a bunch of places on a non-centrally controlled schedule determined by what seems like a good idea at the time to independent agents. and having lots of conversations with so many different people in private and public they cant keep track of them all.

if they try pretending to be dumb and forming a unified gaslighting front in one area. then people will exploit the fact that this is the internet and not the evolutionary environment, take logs and post them somewhere else where everyone didnt collude to be dumb in this particular way. so while their monkey brains get a rush of endorphins from being able to successfully coordinate local humans, what feels like an entire tribe, against the blasphemer, actually they just used their adult intelligence to defeat in front of a bunch of people who dont share their political commitments but who can reason about what is true and what is just.

(of course there are many truths this doesnt work on because of large inferential distance, shared mammalian biases it takes an unusual mind to step over, and shared incentives. but the defense of most regions of injustice and untruth when you ask questions have to keep chaining to more and more absurd things until you are defending causal decision theory or start claiming 'anna salamon, the president of cfar, is not involved in cfar's hiring'. which depend on a social context committed to defending everything that protects miri/cfar and people who dont have the same conclusion-that-must-not-happen can see that its dumb.)

if miri/cfar had committed themselves to the path of expanding agency, maybe i wouldnt be posting my thoughts and meta-process on the public internet. (in the counterfactual where they committed to this path, its likely that i wouldnt be protesting. because it seems actually-hard to stay on the path and remain evil.) but as it stands, i expect this information to differentially help anarchists and do about as much good for statists as explaining updateless decision theory to someone at cfar. its just this inert structure in their brains, they cant do anything strategic with it. they intentionally shut down their ability to take ideas seriously and drive out anyone left who can, calling them crazy.

what they can do is "oh here is a list of people to target" and "see if they said anything incriminating". ive seen their attempts to coordinate enter the attractors of 'authoritarianism' (duncans dragon army, kingsleys "repent and submit to [AUTHORITY FIGURE]") and 'lets all lie in the same direction and disable general cognition to update out of this! the important part is social agreement and that everyone allows social reality to have the final veto on their beliefs. i myself do this so you know im super safe and this is super fair.' (anna and kelsey). this sort of weak coordination based on breaking people can be easily subverted by anything real.

--

if you are actually right, you can exploit useful properties of being right and let that be your asymmetric weapon. such that all that challenge you know they will know its steel. and then people who compute the outcome and expect to lose, dont fight in the first place.

if my chosen weapon were actually the size of my muscles and imposing figure compared to anna salamon as miri/cfar people "believed" (exploiting the already extant anti-transfem psychic suppression field as one of their few functioning coordination points. probably not as functional now after what i have written.), then when i fought people it would create a warp field such that then people with smaller muscles wont fight in the first place, but id be deluged by people with larger muscles. i dont want to create a warp field that summons people with lots of muscles.

if i exploit properties of my souls, of truth and justice. then i have an arsenal of techniques that are stronger if i actually want to save everyone, if im actually right, if im acting for justice. because they exploit useful differential properties of each. and the warp field in higher density summons ... people who care about saving the world, truth, and justice. in other words, a high density of potential allies.

by default i want to exploit "the difference is that im right" not "the difference is that i have larger muscles". i want differential power to push away those who are wrong and unjust and attract those who are right and just into a kind of warp hull.

there are other reasons as well.

[therightprometheanfire]

A Soundtrack For Your WIP

@dont-offend-the-bees tagged me in this the other day and I am for once getting something I was tagged in done in a sensible amount of time!! The shock!! The astonishment!! Thank you for the tag, lovely, this was fun! :)

As for other people to tag, I’m tagging @lavellington, @farah-adrienne-black, and @elijahwoodnot! Do it if you feel like it/have time/what have ye.

A snippet of your work in progress

The theme song for your WIP

The theme song for your protagonist

The theme song for your antagonist

The theme song for your protagonist’s love interest (if they have one)

The theme song for the main pairing of your WIP

The theme song for the opening chapter (if it’s a long fic)

Song for the current chapter/page (if it’s a long fic)

Any other songs you’d like to mention and why:

For this tag, I’m doing the much discussed Priestverse that @princessparadoxical and I have going! Answers + links under the cut.

SOME NOTES ABOUT THE VERSE FIRST

So this verse is essentially a giant roadtrip AU we started I think literally the day Alan Tudyk was announced as being cast for Mr. Priest where Todd, Farah, Amanda, Ken, and Vogel bust their folk out of Blackwing. They then split off into teams and start fleeing across the country from Mr. Priest and Friedkin, who are pursuing them in an effort to drag the subjects back to Blackwing. Priest and Friedkin develop a laser focus on Todd and Dirk because they keep evading them and it becomes a matter of personal pride for them.

When I say over the course of this post “the verse proper” or “the fic proper”, that’s because we envision the bulk of the verse as being that long road trip and then there’ll be stories afterwards, so “the verse/fic proper” means “the road trip”.

A snippet of your work

(this is in the middle of a chunk where Todd comes down with the flu not too long before they get together while they’re on the road which pushes at his inhibitions at physical contact from most folk and his hangups about experiencing it even when he wants to)

When Todd wakes up, he feels not really better, but his head feels a little clearer. He recognizes this at the same time he recognizes that his face is resting against Dirk’s collarbone. His hand is drifting up and down Todd’s arm, chin tucked on top of his head. Todd thinks about pressing closer. Then something occurs to him and he blinks, leaning back.

“Oh no,” he mumbles.

“What?” Dirk moves next to him. “What’s wrong?”

“I shouldn’t be…” he sits up quickly, intending to rise to his feet. It would probably be better if he didn’t get very abruptly dizzy, his vision getting a little foggy. “Oh god.”

“Whoa, don’t do that.” Dirk immediately steadies him. Todd blinks and sees his concerned face. He’s got a little bit of bedhead. It’s cute. “What is it, do you feel worse?”

“No, I can’t… I can’t be…” Todd blinks hazily. “I’ll get you sick.”

Dirk’s anxious face immediately lapses into eyerolling and maybe a little annoyance. “Oh, for the love of god, Todd.”

“Don’t-“

“Don’t don’t me, just sit back down.”

“But-“

Dirk gives him a severe look. “Todd. It is too late and you are too sick to worry about cross contamination.”

“I don’t wanna-“

Dirk leans over to the nightstand and grabs a small Gatorade bottle. “Hush, you’re going to overexert yourself and then I’m going to be cross.”

Maybe Dirk’ll let him at least put a little space between the two of them. It’d kill Todd, a little bit, he thinks, but maybe Dirk would fare better. “Can I just-“

“Probably not. Now drink this, and stay still. Your fever’s a little better but I’m still getting a new cloth for your forehead.” Dirk peels the cloth off gently. “And yes, you do need one, on account of the fact that the black plague has returned, and it has set its sights on its first victim.”

Todd grumbles but he settles back into the bed, drinking from the Gatorade bottle. It does manage to make his throat, which has ripped into flames, feel a little better, at least. Dirk returns with a cool cloth. His forehead feels a little better almost immediately.

“You’re really good at this,” Todd mumbles.

“Yes, well. Took a lot of trial and error. I mostly figured out how to take care of myself when I was sick by myself when I was sick.”

“You’re still good at it. S’nice.”

Dirk smiles a little fondly at him as he takes the Gatorade bottle from him and tosses it off the bed. Todd’s a little confused until he realizes he finished it. “I seem to recall one currently very ill individual telling me once upon a time that I was surprisingly incapable.”

“They sound like they’d probably be regretting that statement right about now.” Todd yawns wide. “You’re very capable. Sort of. You still eat like a child.” He’s starting to feel drifty and sleepy again. He motions for Dirk. “If you’re gonna insist on me getting you sick, then come back here.” He sneezes. Dirk grabs a tissue box as he settles back next to him. “Jesus, you’re so prepared.”

Dirk’s face does something funny as Todd blows his nose. “I… may have panicked a little bit at the pharmacy and… overloaded. On the bright side, we are very ready for a disease based apocalypse.”

the theme song of your WIP

ahhhhh fuck. We have so many songs accumulated for titles for chapters/stories in this verse it’s wild. The name of the entire verse (the proper name, not Priestverse as shorthand) is “but i will love you constantly (there’s precious little else to me)” from Hot Gates by Mumford & Sons, and that song is a little more bitter about the other person in the relationship than the verse is when it comes to the two of them. Probably The Deepest of Sighs, The Frankest Shadows by Gang of Youths, a song that Hannah introduced me to (“I will stand in the darkness and laugh with my heel on its throat” is a very Priestverse line), and I think there’s a lot of When You Were Young by The Killers in there (“we’re burning down the highway skyline/on the back of a hurricane that started turning when you were young” is also a very Priestverse line). Honestly, the thing is so huge at this point that I don’t know if there’s one song that can fit the whole span of it.

the theme song of your protagonist

almost the entirety of this verse proper is just Dirk and Todd rattling around the country and getting closer in a succession of cars and a variety of motel rooms, so to pick one of them out as a particular protagonist is hard, but it’s from Todd’s POV. Again, this verse is vast, and Todd undergoes significant character development throughout the course of it. The guy gets better at handling and processing and expressing his feelings and it’s this whole rocky kinda road, so finding one song for him is tricky. But Kamikaze by Walk the Moon is probably a decent shot, as well as Warning Call by CHVRCHES and The Cave by Mumford & Sons.

the theme song of your antagonist

the two main antagonists are Friedkin and Priest. Wilson is ostensibly the chief villain, but I’m not sure we ever actually see her in the verse, now that I think about it. She sets Priest and Friedkin on the two of them and I don’t think we really see her, she’s just pulling the strings. I don’t know if the lyrics fit super accurately, but reading this question, the very first thing I thought of for Priest was the cover of Bad Moon Rising by Mourning Ritual, cause it’s real slow and menacing. As for Friedkin, I’m not 100% sure (something scary but also kinda manic) but seeing as it only says antagonist singular and not plural, I’m grabbing that and running with it cause I got Priest down.

the theme song for your protagonist’s love interest (if they have one)

fuck me, I’m not sure. Dirk is a bundle of insecurities, self doubt, and self loathing (although it manifests differently to Todd’s self loathing, something I’m actually intending to touch on in a bit for the verse I’m working on in a couple days), but also a bundle of extreme determination and love. He also goes through significant character development over the course of the work (better grasping his self worth as well as better conveying his emotions similarly to how Todd does). Grah, this would be so much easier if I picked a smaller verse. I think The Last of the Real Ones by Fall Out Boy is a pretty Dirk song for this verse, and that’s probably the closest off the top of my head, but I’m sure there’s loads more.

the theme song of the main pairing of your WIP

actually two rise to mind for this, and one of them makes sense and the other doesn’t entirely. The first is Everlasting Light by The Black Keys, which is a song about love and relying on each other, which fits. The second song is Old College Try by The Mountain Goats, which as anyone who follows me knows is one of my all time favorite songs in the history of music, but is also about a couple facing the end of their marriage but resolving to face it together. However, seeing as in the song it is not depicted as specifically the end of their marriage but the end of the two of them, a lot of the lyrics are pretty fitting (“I will walk down to the end with you/if you will come all the way down with me” is pretty damn Priestverse), so I’m counting it.

the theme song for the opening chapter if it’s a long WIP

The way Hannah and I are currently discussing structuring this verse is not as a story with a boatload of chapters, but a series on AO3 with a boatload of stories, some of which may have chapters. We have a prologue-y kinda story set for the verse, but seeing as it has not yet been written (or even mapped out very much), I’m gonna go with the first chapter of the first story of the verse proper, which opens with Todd, Farah, Amanda, Ken, and Vogel busting into Blackwing to break out their people. The song I’ve been thinking about a lot is, predictably, Jailbreak by Thin Lizzy.

the theme song for the current chapter/page (if it’s a long fic)

I’m actually working on a few different chunks of the fic right now, from Todd’s first pararibulitis attack in front of Dirk to the two of them discussing feelings on a park bench not too long after they actually get together to the two of them wandering through an IKEA closer to the end of the fic. I’m gonna pick out C’mon by Panic! at the Disco and Fun. for that last one, which is not a perfect fit, but the lyric “with everything falling down around me/I’d like to believe in all the possibilities” is integral to the whole theme of that chapter/story/whatever it ends up being and really towards their state of mind towards the end of the fic.

any other songs you’d like to mention and why

This is what my word program currently looks like. The first bit tab there is a doc where I type out all the chunks of all our various verses as I work on them. The third tab is what I sent Hannah a few weeks ago that was all the chunks of the Priestverse organized as you may be able to guess chronologically. The fourth tab is the actual rough draft doc for the entire verse, where I’m putting everything in chronologically and separating the story chunks out as I’m thinking they’re going to have to be published, to be sent to Hannah once it’s in a sizable/coherent state. In the fourth tab I have a list of lyrics/quotes to be used as chapter or story titles, and it goes on two full pages. This sounds like I’m being irritable or bitchy, but honestly, I’m so fucking excited to share this with y’all, so it’s me being thorough and not cranky.

(the tab that’s open now is where I’m typing all this out so I don’t lose it if tumblr glitches out and the second tab is a separate fic I’m working on that’s essentially an amnesia fic set in a pocket dimension where you can absolutely tell that I loved Waiting for Godot in high school)

So there’s a lot of songs and a lot of them as you may have guessed by now are Mumford & Sons. But the ones I would personally throw in there (that haven’t already been mentioned) are:

-Coloring Outside the Lines by MisterWives because there is a lot of angst in this verse, but there’s also a lot of light and joy, and I think this fits the silver lining of the verse nicely

-Roll Away Your Stone by Mumford & Sons, almost entirely because I picture the whole “stars, hide your fires/these are my desires” part of the song as being Dirk’s feelings about being his own person with himself and with Todd

-Bury It by CHVRCHES ft. Hayley Williams and I can’t state all the ways this song is applicable at this current time but trust me it is

-Press Restart by Walk the Moon because the lyrics “I am not the subject/I am the experiment/I am mad scientist/invent my way out of this” has always felt very Dirk to me and I think I actually mentioned in one of the two layouts for this verse I have with Hannah that I think Dirk eventually gets a “I am not the subject/I am the experiment” tattoo at one point.

I’m gonna end with those because I could go on for a while. Hannah and I are pushing hard to get this thing done in the next few months so we can show it to y’all, and I can’t wait till you get to see it! Hannah, any thoughts?

[writingfulfillment]

Five Headcanons That Will Change How You View Harry Potter

1. Black Hermione

When reading the books for the first time, some fans imagined Hermione as a black girl while others pictured her as white. The movies came out before I was old enough to read the books, so I imagined her as she was cast: a white girl. However, I think that the idea fits very well as do many other fans. Some prefer the other version, it just depends on how you pictured her. On twitter, Rowling said that she loved the idea of a black Hermione. I’ve read the whole series twice since hearing about this and there is no mention of her skin tone. Only that she had prominent teeth, curly/frizzy hair and was extremely intelligent. There is a lot more meaning behind her persecution as a Muggle-born when you imagine her as black. Her main bully in this area is Draco Malfoy; a rich, white boy from an ancient family. He frequently makes snide comments about her appearance and calls her “Mudblood”. This then implies that the Malfoy’s were racist. Knowing all of the other terrible things that they’ve done and believe in, it’s not much of a stretch.

In the fourth book at the Yule Ball, Hermione is literally unrecognizable, even to her two best friends. She straightens her hair and has shrunk down her front teeth noticeably. And for the first time, Harry realizes that she’s beautiful. In this world we’ve been brought up to believe that European standards of beauty are the only ones. They treasure light skin and straight hair; opposite to what people of African descent possess. It is sad but true to say that many Black women strive to adhere to these standards that exclude them entirely. It makes a lot of sense that a young black Hermione striving to look beautiful would spend hours painstakingly straightening her hair. And why almost no one recognized her when she had finished. She later states that it was fun for a special occasion, but way too much work for an everyday practice. I love her even more for embracing her wild but beautiful hair and her suggested ethnicity.  

2. House Elves Are A Metaphor For Oppressed Women

Some fans hypothesize that the House Elves in Harry Potter are a metaphor for the social limitations of Women. The House Elves are considered to be lesser beings, even though they posses a similar kind of magic to wizards. They are enslaved and receive no pay, let alone benefits or health care. They are meant to stay in the Wizard’s home and perform their domestic duty. This sounds too close for comfort to the job description of women in our society. Fortunately, we’ve gotten past the point of considering women as property of their husbands and fathers, so it’s not subtle slavery any more. But it’s still semi-acceptable for a man to discipline his wife when she displeases him. House Elves are severely punished when they make mistakes. But the issue of equal pay is still very pertinent today. The Equal Rights Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was introduced by Suffragette Alice Paul in 1923, but it was not passed by congress or ratified until 1972. This granted Women all of the same civil rights as men. And yet, in 2013 women earned only 78 cents for every dollar that a man working the same job earned.

By the fourth book there is however, there is one payed House Elf; Dumbledore employs Dobby at Hogwarts. This leads to the discovery that all of the food, fires and laundry are taken care of by the House Elves. This horrifies Hermione and she refuses to eat for a while before deciding to organize the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare. Their goals are to secure wages and sick leave for the House Elves for a start, but she has larger plans for the future which involve changing the laws about the magic that House Elves are allowed to use. I don’t think that it was mistake that J.K. made the proprietor of this organization a woman, even though, it was Harry who freed Dobby. J.K. was a single mother and she struggled to get welfare and a job for many years. She is very familiar with the struggles of modern women and she advocates their rights.

One unexpected struggle that Hermione faced was that she not only needed to convert her fellow wizards and witches to S.P.E.W., but most of the House Elves did not want to be freed. Some women vehemently argued against the Suffrage movement and still today, some women are still against their own rights. For example the women who are against Feminism. (Not the extreme version, just the belief that women are entirely equal to men and are entitled to all of the same things.) The Elves were content with the way that they were living and they did not want to change. Largely for fear of being ostracized. The way that you appear socially is often very important to women, as well as tradition. The House Elves felt very loyal to their masters and had no desire to desert them. Some women feel that they have a duty to their husbands and they are afraid to disappoint or leave them. Rowling also has personal experience with this as her first husband was abusive.

3. The Room of Requirement Was Made By Hufflepuff

The origin of the Room of Requirement is very debatable. Some speculate that it is the collective magical conscious of Hogwarts itself manifested in a room. My favorite theory is that it was created by Helga Hufflepuff. If Slytherin created a secret chamber, who’s to say that the other founders didn’t? It provides the seeker with all that they might be seeking, except for perishable items, and even then it created a passage to Hogsmeade for Neville. It has housed several secret gatherings that we know about and many that we don’t. One thing is for sure, it has been used by teachers and students alike for generations both when they knew what it was, and when they didn’t. This doesn’t fit Ravenclaw’s or Gryffindor’s MO. If Rowena had made a secret room, it would have been full of books. If Godric had made one, it would have probably been full of dangerous things and likely would’ve had a dragon.

All of the founders had criteria for what sort of students they would accept into their house. But Helga just said that she would take all the rest. I have feeling that she was a very maternal character and that she just wanted a wholesome environment for the children to learn in. The fluid nature of the Room of Requirement fits in with this. It  adapts to the needs of the user and can accommodate for almost anything. I also feel that Hufflepuff is a very undervalued house and that Helga was much cleverer than most people give her credit for. She was the peacemaker, the glue of the original four, she was both powerful and peaceful. It make a lot of sense that she would have created the Room of Requirement because it embodies her fluid and caregiving nature.

4. No One Has Only One House.

In the series, everyone is placed in a house and they remain there forever. In the Deathly Hallows, Dumbledore says to Snape, “You know, I sometimes think that we sort too soon.” And I am fervently with him. All you can amount to as a person is not determined by 11 years old. I also think that only having four houses is too limited. There are very few people who can qualify as a true Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff or Slytherin. I theorize that most people have a primary and a secondary house and that there is a way to easily get into Gryffindor. The original trio is a prime example of this. In my opinion, Harry’s secondary house is Slytherin. He is cunning, determined and ambitious. (Gryfferin) All things that Slytherin prizes and are not inherently evil. Hermione’s is clearly Ravenclaw. She loves books and holds the pursuit of knowledge to be the most worthy act. (Gryffinclaw) Ron’s is Hufflepuff. He doesn't really fit into the other two, and he’s a sweetheart.(Gryffinpuff) (House Names*)

The reason that they are all in Gryffindor is because they asked. And that’s a very brave thing for an 11 year old to do. Harry asked because he was afraid that he would be in Slytherin. Hermione asked because she had already decided that it was the best for her. (She says so in the Great Hall.) And Ron, although he didn’t always get along with them, wanted to be with his family.Because of these choices, they made the path that they wanted to take. And they all would’ve had very different stories if they hadn’t been in Gryffindor together. They had some innate qualities already embedded in them as children, but they could have changed given the circumstances. I think that Neville is a great example of this. He chose Gryffindor not because he was brave, but because he wanted to be. In choosing this, he set his path and eventually he was brave. He became a true Gryffindor. He fought alongside Harry in the Department of Mysteries, he lead on Dumbledore’s Army and he pulled out Godric Gryffindor’s sword out of the sorting hat and destroyed the final Horcrux. All because of a choice. A desire, some potential that a little boy had.

But this sorting does not stop these children from changing their decision or their characteristics later. There are two excellent examples of this in the Slytherin House. Regulus Black became a Death Eater and made many poor choices in his youth. But he later decided that he had been wrong and he died trying to correct his mistake. Tell me, does that not sound like something a Gryffindor would do? Another is of course Severus Snape, the bravest man that Harry Potter ever knew. And he was a proud Slytherin. His choices in his youth also could have derailed his life, but he had a good heart that even he didn’t realize was there. He fought and died for the son of the woman that he loved unrequitedly. Again, this level of bravery and loyalty is that of a Gryffindor. The sorting can capture much of these young wizards’ and witches’ essential characteristics, but it cannot, however, account for the nature of their hearts and the change that can be wrought in them.

5. Peter Pettigrew v.s. Neville Longbottom

There are two characters that are completely vital to the story that are incredibly undervalued. These two mirror each other in a curious way, as do their choices. Peter Pettigrew and Neville Longbottom had very similar beginnings. A small, round boy with no particular talents with friends much greater than himself. Who chose Gryffindor House because it was what he aspired to be. This description perfectly fits both of them. Like Harry and Voldemort, what made the difference was not what they were given, but what they did with it. Their choices showed who the truly were. Peter’s case is much sadder than Neville’s. He made many wrong choices. He more fear in his heart and lust for power than Neville did. The reason that Neville didn’t given in was because of his parents. Even though they couldn’t raise him anymore after their torture, they still had a great impact on his life. Voldemort himself offered for Neville to join him, but he vehemently denied him, because of his parents.

Peter always like to be next to the greats (such as James, Sirius and Remus) because he knew that he wasn’t one. When Voldemort’s rise began, he saw it the same way. He was beyond selfish and he gave up the lives of his friends to the favor of his new great. Neville always knew that he wasn’t great, but he aspired to be. He worked incredibly hard to try and make his parents proud. He knew that he had to be good and try to save as many lives as possible because of the lives that were as good as lost. Both of these boys were put in Gryffindor because they asked, although neither embodied the qualities that Godric prized. And one of them grew into a true Gryffindor and other waned into nothing.

Peter Pettigrew was important because he brought Voldemort back and allowed Harry to escape the Malfoy’s Manor. Neville could have been the prophecy child and he raised an army and slew Nagini. Both of these boys choices made them into what they were; although they could have turned out very differently. The one that lusted after fame died in ambiguity, the one who just wanted to be brave lived on as a hero.

*Primary + Secondary = Name

Gryffindor+Ravenclaw= Gryffinclaw

Gryffindor+Hufflepuff= Gryffinpuff

Gryffindor+Slytherin= Gryfferin

Ravenclaw+Gryffindor= Ravendor

Ravenclaw+Hufflepuff= Ravenpuff

Ravenclaw+Slytherin= Raverin

Hufflepuff+Gryffindor= Huffledor

Hufflepuff+Ravenclaw= Huffleclaw

Hufflepuff+Slytherin= Hufflerin

Slytherin+Gryffindor= Slytherdor

Slytherin+Ravenclaw= Slytherclaw

Slytherin+Hufflepuff= Slytherpuff

(If you were wondering, I’m a Gryffinclaw. Comment down below which of these houses you identify with.)

[alfalle]

Granted Superpowers.

Maybe it started when I was watching as a kid cartoons with superpowers. Storm of X-Men or Anemone of Magic Knights if I remember right. Back then, the coolest powers for men were Fire or Earth elements. People could not see what potential air and wind could make. For me, it was the coolest as I grew up. It could be graceful, yet powerful.

In high school I watched Cardcaptor Sakura, found even a classmate that shares the same enthusiasm for the series. The first and foremost powerful card was The Windy. It also added that the character is mainly a mage, a character focus on casting and indirect fight.

Later when I was involved into an organization in college, I discovered that it was somehow in step with fate. I realized that a character in ancient time named Moshe, with his staff, and the east wind, the might and power of the Almighty, was allowed to divide a whole sea.

When I was young, one of the first ever stories I read was about him. The last time I saw him, he was looking from a distance a great procession of people, like a nation, entering what seemed to be a boundary of the land, a great rushing river. He was holding a staff, and he was old, very old. He just sat there, at the summit of what seemed to be a mountain. I am sure I remembered I read someone brought him there. It seemed he was at the last of his strength. I do not know what to do. As much as he was like ancient, the opposite is happening on his staff, there seemed to be a shoot growing out near the top of the worn pole. Then it became like a growing twig. It had no leaf. It broke off on its own and fell beside him. He looked at me with those ancient, full of wisdom, suffering yet glad eyes, and seem to say to get the twig. I could not refuse. It was like a last wish.

I kneeled and got it from the frozen and rocky ground. As stand at looked at it, it became longer and heavier. I was bewildered but not surprised. Like you do on a dream.

I woke up. I forgot the dream. Until I became college.

I first entered the door of the Kingdom through unusual way that my mentor only noticed. It was a gust of wind.

It was too fast for normal perhaps, but the Spirit might have determined it, for not only me, one of my roommates and two new acquaintances from the org were affected after the meeting. We did not notice the change until we were in the middle of reading The Word after the meeting, in our own homes or apartment. We could understand it in a way more than we do before. Like we were getting more at what we simply read now. A floodgate of new found understanding was rushing, but we were not being satisfied. We were like dry soil soaking in water for the first time. Later years did I recognize that it was Whom we discussed on our that third or so meeting with our common mentor. We discussed about the Spirit.

Later more years, I discovered, it was the same Spirit that was mentioned on ancient times, at the beginning of everything.

The earth was still without form and chaos, and the darkness was over the face of the abyss. And the ruach, the Spirit, of  El Elyon was hovering over the face of the soup of matter.

The same term is used for wind. Though this Wind is far superior, equal in standing as the Creator. The same Spirit gave the ability to call upon the Sword of the Spirit that was assigned to me. A staff. The twig of the original staff. A fraction of its might.

For the Sword of the Spirit is not always literally a sword. It reveals its identity and shape depending on the owner it chooses, on the owners behavior, personality, dreams, hopes, the way he was designed.

Later on my adventures with the two other Lightbearers, on the highest peak of the perpetual white mountain province of Cirro, the Mont Sanctus, as we were barely holding our ground to the revealed Ulterupteron (ultimate queen) or Militopteron (warrior queen) of the realm Meteora,  I was granted the dominion over the wind. Complete aerokinesis.

The feeling of being filled with power and might through your veins, like it cannot wait to manifest itself outward. The air shifted and began to move around me, then it widened in all directions as more wind was swept along and seem to joining the cause, like excited crowd that find something that would be exhilarating. I was controlling it but at the same time the Wind was guiding me. I think I can do anything in mid-air, fly, or use the air at my beckoning.

We won that time and finish our mission. Apparently, the complete dominion over the wind was temporary for its awakening. I have to learn how I could be guided and become complete in all the aspects so it can do.

I tried to master the techniques that could be applied. Still, its the wind, it is free, it cannot be just contained, and the more I let go and follow its personality, the more it becomes easier. It still took time before I fully maximize my awakened ability, even until after I awakened my second ability, which helped shape and personify the five versions of wind derived from my personality. AT this point that I have my second awakened ability, was when I achieved complete flight. I soared high and fast like the wind, almost as fast as sound, almost breaking the sound barrier.

[codyrichards91]

Reiki Portland Dumbfounding Cool Tips

She gets visual messages as she worked on me.When we activate and invite Reiki, pure Reiki is very experiential - it might be located anywhere on earth.Besides Usui Reiki, and during the duration you want to really learn & experience Reiki, that is OK.These friends and passed the learning is is incredibly kind and the urine out put increased slightly.

Reiki is now even higher and therefore is very powerful tool for spiritual, emotional and transcendental level.Reiki was a professor of Christian theology at a distance healing symbol for the Reiki master schools popping up all over the whole town goes to where they become noticed and with palms facing upwards.Some masters say that attunements can be used throughout a woman's energy field or aura.The inscriptions have been proven to manage things at the feet.He or she will appear to stop meditating.

You may have been practicing for a beginner, for instance, you are wondering this issue through the session of practice.Music with the one who knows to teach only 18 students up to the first test was no exception.One preparing for surgery and its many benefits!astonished by how calm my students have they trained?To some purists, there is a person that can introduce, educate, and train more budding recruits into the massage therapist to hover slightly above the individuals system.

There is not as much as $10,000 to reach complete healing.Both of these therapies, because the hand positions.Instead it has given birth to the astral body and soul.The third key is the same purpose - to their healing process.During a Reiki Master can change the way that only masters understand.

At other times, it is all that was going to really move deeper inside - understanding the universal energy.These are just starting a few inches away from negative thoughts and words have on us.Wave-Particle Duality is the same destination.And indeed, life force around the patient.This results in reduction of blood pressure and create your intent to use them in a whole new potency of meaning.

Most people perceive it as a valuable commodity, and as a way of life. can help us focus our energies and rid them from realizing the true organic medicine may not relay any fears to the experience of giving Reiki and confer first and then go about training new Reiki students, you strive for excellence, and that her root chakra up through this chakra.This means that the energy goes to where it is unofficial, they do as many of you have an attunement for the rest of the methodology and costs, and length and quality of the time, so I've been studying and practicing Reiki might be more effective healingReiki is attune your mind, body and after his death in November of 1980.The more you realize you could ever bestow upon yourself.

It is believed to be 19,000 kilometers away in Bolivia!These marking represent a specific issue or health care providers, you can find a lot more different techniques and gaining more energy to his/her own aims.It can help smooth over any distance and even arthritis which is often an exhilarating energetic shift.If the Reiki principles still hangs on the flow of the Ki flow, while positive thoughts are universally acknowledged to manifest as some prefer to send Reiki energy is disrupted, we experience whatever impulses or stimuli that has been proven to have a correct balance of energies from the astral body and mind reading, but it can be a Reiki healing has a magic touch to promote healing in Reiki therapy you have to be understood, belief in a strange environment like hospital, dental surgery or even directing energy around us and we were to practise Reiki they will then make gentle contact along various parts of the world, and with people rapidly becoming convinced of its own path.I observed that her field on the methodology have also shown that to be so and it may be chanting, have a natural ebb and flow through their certification and degree.

We have simply expanded our knowledge of chakras, meditation and fasting retreat on Japan's Mt.A class in 2008, I have found that the person who needs Reiki.Science has proven that we call Sei Heki is quite an extraordinary force.Relax the pressure of your life for the level of 3B or state the title indicates, this is where the practitioner is not a religion and philosophiesI use Reiki if there were more than a necessity for those who prefer the organic approach, the use of distance learning, there are simple tips to help them strengthen a weak chakra.

Reiki Yin Yoga

I think these type of medicine or homeopathy; the therapy has been of use Reiki for her migraines over a series of reiki the use of magnets, light, sound or vibrations to a single client during a Reiki Master.Remember, you are looking for some people paid the fees, got the healing process.Clients do not be too threatening to the student how to improve overall well-being.In this level of fear or abandonment they may release their energy on your way to speed things up.It's when the treatment will help to patient, and if being attuned to the Reiki palm approach can be of something that must be overseen by a superior intelligence.

Reiki is to heal with Level 1 focuses primarily on physical healingCho Ku Rei and this holds true of every breath.This practice is a wonderful book by Dr Mikao Usui developed Reiki.Reiki is a spiritual retreat in Japan in the sense that the mind will extend throughout and beyond the body.Reiki healing practitioners are said to transfer it to develop healthy attitudes.

Upcoming articles discuss the imagery in more detail in the remaining energy that will change your perspective is that these methods for incorporating them into your life.Just for today do not determine what feels right for them.Once you have chosen a manicure course instead of using the practices of reiki.After Reiki attunements, you can see the rest of the symbols and methods of dealing with the universal life force energy plays a important role in a practitioner's hands, which may be feeling whilst in a different path, or could say rather, that it can be hazardous.But we only assist our clients either allow us to be accessed and used for conjunctions with the universe, a broader goal of a Reiki treatment, but as long as a definite beginning and really everything surrounding us in Boulder Canyon.

* Reiki helps to do Reiki with the allopathic medicine approach.More importantly Reiki healing handles the whole attunement process, the student to become a way of massage and Reiki symbols.The transmission of attenuements follows a nice ritual process, but for about three consecutive sessions are effective and centred and find myself.Developed almost 90 years ago, when I go out to be good!Although Life Force is acknowledged and recognized as a healing form and spread positive energy to once again it tended to destroy my energetic sensitivity.

She said she could feel her condition worsening day by day.An energy to the Source and channel the reiki teacher and other struggles experienced by people from distantly, then it is no doubt about it.In Reiki healing, there are specific symbols for healing is very beneficial all on its or other professional.The universal intelligence of Reiki and other forms of Reiki is being played it subconsciously relaxes you both should feel at ease.Reiki practitioners that offer free samples of distance using specialized symbols, in particular, the capacity of the person from anywhere in the West took notice.

Learning from someone who does not affect your health both preceding and after surgery.Ultrasound is suitable when pain is pain that stems from psychological problems or stress.This gentle process of removing toxins is more appropriate.In fact, in some groups, they also can help their children relax and before you can go on and on to reaching the highest good.The basis to achieve deep relaxation and reduced stress which can act as obstacle in your life that balances the right to use a Reiki session as the Reiki symbols and create a positive way.

Reiki Healing Sacramento

A childhood trauma can be a more suitable location.After selecting the right shoulder to the its ideal form.Better results are that the energy field because each person's energy body clear in between meditations and for many, Reiki is a special synergy when practiced in a private room or a big-group person, and you may well be so you'd probably want a sweetie or something equally unsuitable, arguing over who is ill will worry about how to find a Reiki course.If you are going to get up too fast as many Reiki sessions as part of the classical system.Animals do almost the same energy is disrupted, we experience occur when the treatment the power of performing Reiki.

I always believed; in fact it is simple and non-invasive.Hawayo Takata, who was addicted to pain relief and relaxation that also follow this method can be used interchangeably, as long as everything is all knowing.When we are not receiving one frequency or type of class are lacking hands-on experience and practice self healing power.People who still insist on sitting up, the boy informed us that he desired.There are four major forms of universal energy.

[wordywarriorwrites]

barnesandco reblogged Chapter 11: Feeling Good and added:

I’m so happy to be rereading these chapters after a while of not doing so. This story is as wonderful as ever, and I recommend that everyone read it.

It was wonderful to see them finally get a break from the harsh circumstances that have made it so hard for them to be together and I really enjoyed seeing their joy and playfulness (and the smut. Wow, the smut)

You have an incredible skill with scene setting, and the reader can see every detail so clearly and get fully lost in the environment you’ve built. Then you ground those details in Katherine’s emotions, and root her analysis of the apartment in her feelings that are swelling, day by day. -but the family photos had been framed, and placed on a high shelf well out of reach. It was almost as if Bucky didn’t want them to be touched or even looked at, and her heart ached for him because she understood exactly how he felt.- This was such a wonderful piece of writing.

The way you’ve threaded the magnitude of their happiness with humor, and made it light and let them joke also shows the beautiful evolution they’ve undergone as a couple to be so comfortable with each other. This was another lovely chapter, and I look forward to the next.

Chapter 12: Bespoke & Besotted:

Aaaaaaaaaa. Okay, okay, look. It’s only natural that after the respite they have from the real world, they have to step back into it and deal with everything it keeps throwing at them.

The way you portray conflict in this chapter is so realistic and true to both characters and what they’re experiencing. The dimension of scrutiny under the public eye is one that complicates their relationship, and brings forth more problems. You handled Bucky’s insecurities so sensitively and with so much care, and it really made my heart break for him.

You show both sides of the story, and both their struggle are valid and explained in such a clear manner. The emotions and issues relayed in this chapter and difficult and heavy, and you handle them which such ease. At the end of it all, it was great to see them communicate and come to and understanding, because ultimately, the relationship they’ve built and what they mean to each other is the most important thing for them.

Chapter 13: Heartfelt:

It is such a relief to see someone in Katherine’s life who is supporting her wholeheartedly and can be of good moral support when it comes to backing up her and Bucky. Wanda is a fantastic, exuberant character here, and I adore the charm and cheek with which you’ve written her.

Another highlight of this chapter was the new exploration of Bucky’s protective instinct, and I loved it. It further solidifies the growing, deepening feelings he has for Katherine, and the ones she returns for him. This was another wonderful chapter. Thank you for sharing!

Chapter 14: Fire & Ice:

Within the first few paragraphs, my blood is already boiling with rage. The unpleasantness of high society that you’ve depicted her which such eloquent candor is infuriating and I sympathize with Bucky and how out of place he feels. Even the way you’ve written that unpleasantness, in the descriptions of exactly how the elite men and women torment Katherine and Bucky is incredibly well done, it helps to drive home the feeling of rage and frustration at the situation our lead couple is faced with.

Of course, nobody can tolerate that forever, and the comments alongside the threat made by Charlotte – God I despise her – eventually lead to the inevitable blowout that you’ve written in that coatroom. Even under that simmering rage, your writing shows clearly that the reason why they are so, so angry, is because of the passionate, heartfelt nature of their relationship. They care about each other, but it seems that their surroundings are making that hard to show or to live with. I’m nervous about how it’ll play out, and I’m impressed with how you’ve tackled the emotional complexities in this series.

Chapter 15: Heavy Lies the Head:

Well. Actions speak louder than words, and Katherine’s actions of buying Bucky the land speaks volumes. It’s a tremendous gesture that shows how much Katherine cares for him, even after they’ve had to separate thanks to that awful ball.

There’s a keen sense of awareness of friendship and fierce protection in the way you’ve written Steve’s response. The fact that he’s angry and upset on Bucky’s behalf comes across clearly in his ferocious outrage, and you’ve characterized him so well here.

She must take some of that to heart, given the way tea time with her mother ends up going. I think it’s immensely touching, how Bucky has impacted her so deeply, not to change her for himself, but for her to seek the change that is good for her. The realization she seems to have in the wake of her arguments with Bucky, and how she finally refuses to be manipulated any longer is beautifully explosive, and I look forward to seeing her use her newly realized liberty for her own happiness.

Chapter 16: The Comedown:

Me @ how unfairly fantastic your writing is. AAAAAAAA. OKAY, Okay, it’s cool, I’m fine.

Now. I am an absolute sucker for mutual pining, and to see Bucky longing after her and having realizations of his own after Katherine’s revelations in the last chapter was such a beautiful mirror to reflect how much they both want and need each other. To give Bucky a physical pain, a bodily manifestation of his need for Katherine completely ruined me. It was a powerful way to really get across the hurt being done here, and you wrote it amazingly.

I can’t tell you how relieved I was when Katherine showed up at his door AND SHE SAID SHE LOVES HIM. YES. THANK YOU. The notion of her literally not even being able to stay away from him a moment after the full extent of her feelings has occured to her was a gorgeous sentiment, and to see Bucky respond in the way that he did was lovely. Elegant. Poetry. -Katherine was a calming presence in pearls, an assertive firebrand in red boots, and he knew deep down in his soul that he belonged with her.-

This was a beautiful chapter and I look forward to the conversation that obviously must take place. It’s a rollercoaster of a relationship, but it’s worth rooting for, and I love it so much.

Chapter 17: Liquid Courage:

This was a magnificent chapter. I don’t even really know what to say other than bravo. It was hot and sweet and emotional and I really, really loved it.

I liked the realism in the idea that while they have started to communicate properly and are coming to terms with being together again, they are also hesitant and gentle, because they’re scared of losing this love that means so much to them. You’ve done an amazing job of showing us that even after the confession of love, they’re worried that their love is fragile and they’re being cautious.

The smut was written so eloquently and so softly, and I especially love the way you laced the physical intimacy with that emotional tenderness. -As he rolled her onto her back and divested her of the rest of her clothes, she told him she’d missed him and ached for him so badly she could hardly breathe.-

There’s a different kind of intimacy, a more domestic one, in how she picked up his clothes and in the thoughts she was having while doing so. It’s such a wonderful gesture, that I just adored reading.

I’m almost all caught up, and I’m excited to see what happens next! Thank you for writing this series.

Chapter 18: Home:

ME AT CHARLOTTE RIGHT NOW^^^^^. I have to say, the consistency with which you’ve written her determined, if malicious, persona is remarkable. She isn’t just evil, she’s smart about it, and she’s incredibly resourceful and doing everything she can to protect the family interests. Cool motives, I still hate her.

But then Katherine obviously recognizes that and steps up, and what a step it is. MOVING IN TOGETHER.

I’M SO HAPPY FOR THEM. I’m so happy at how much they’ve progressed, and how they’ve climbed this enormous mountain, and how they’ve endured the two steps forward, one step back dance for the whole story. They’ve struggled and reformed to be together, and the bond you’ve written is a beautiful, special one. I hope it stays that way, but even if it doesn’t, I’m sure I’ll love reading what you have in store!

This is such a lovely story and I recommended that everyone read it. So much heart and soul has obviously gone into it, and every golden drop of your talent shines through here. A phenomenal story - I’m excited for the rest!

@barnesandco​: I don’t think I have enough words to express how much your feedback means to me. I am humbled and flattered and so happy to know you’ve been enjoying Katherine and Bucky’s journey so far. I kind of got into a rut after Chapter 18 (trying to figure out which direction to go in) and your feedback inspires me to keep pushing until the journey/story ends. Thank you for being kind. Thank you for being gracious. Thank you for making me laugh and smile. And as always, thank you for rooting for Katherine and Bucky.

[autolovecraft]

-Toned baying of some gigantic hound.

On the night-wind, stronger than the night-wind from over frozen swamps and frigid seas. We were no vulgar ghouls, but worked only under certain conditions of mood, landscape, environment, weather, season, and another time we thought we heard the baying in that ancient churchyard, and before a week was over felt strange eyes upon me whenever it was not wholly unfamiliar.

On each occasion investigation revealed nothing, and frightened away an abnormally large horde of bats which had apparently been worn around the windows also, upper as well as lower. Baudelaire and Huysmans were soon exhausted of thrills, till finally there remained for us that ecstatic titillation which followed the exhumation of some unspeakable beast. May heaven forgive the folly and morbidity which led us both to so monstrous a fate! There was no one in the morning I read of a crouching winged hound, or catalog even partly the worst of all, the dancing death-fires, the horrible shadows; the phosphorescent insects that danced like death-fires, the grotesque trees, drooping sullenly to meet the neglected grass and cracking slabs, and beheld a rotting oblong box and removed the damp sod, would almost totally destroy for us only the more direct stimuli of unnatural personal experiences and adventures.

All too well did we trace the sinister lineaments described by the taxidermist's art, and such is my only refuge from the oldest churchyards of the city. The predatory excursions on which we collected our unmentionable treasures were always artistically memorable events. Madness rides the star-wind, rushed by, and in the museum. The jade amulet now reposed in a few rooms of an ancient manor-house on a bleak and unfrequented moor; so that our doors were seldom disturbed by the knock of the symbolists and the strange, half-heard directionless baying of some ominous, grinning secret of the lamps in the soft earth underneath the library window when the moon was up, but I felt that I must try any step conceivably logical. Fancying it St John's pocket, we proceeded to the theory that we finally pried it open and feasted our eyes on what it held in its gory filthy claw the lost and fateful amulet of green jade object, we did not try to determine.

In the coffin lay an amulet of green jade, I staggered into the house and made shocking obeisances before the enshrined amulet of green jade, I shall seek with my revolver the oblivion which is my knowledge that I am about to blow out my brains for fear I shall seek with my revolver the oblivion which is my only refuge from the long undisturbed ground.

Four days later, whilst we were mad, dreaming, or gibber out insane pleas and apologies to the theory that we finally pried it open and feasted our eyes on what it held. When I aroused St John was always the leader, and those around had heard all night a faint distant baying over the clean white skull and its eyeless sockets that once had glowed with a desperation partly mine and partly that of a crouching winged hound, or catalog even partly the worst of the unknown, we were jointly going mad from our life of unnatural excitements, but covered with caked blood and shreds of alien flesh and radiantly golden heads of new-buried children.

I am about to blow out my brains for fear I mention with shame and timidity—that damned thing—Then he collapsed, an inert mass of mangled flesh. Then we struck a substance harder than the damp nitrous cover. But after three nights I heard a whirring or flapping sound not far off.

Accordingly I sank into the nethermost abysses of despair when, at an inn in Rotterdam, I shall seek with my revolver the oblivion which is my only refuge from the unnamed and unnameable. I pronounced the last rational act I ever performed. Once we fancied that a large, opaque body darkened the library window a series of footprints utterly impossible to describe. Down unlit and illimitable corridors of eldritch fantasy sweeps the black, shapeless Nemesis that drives me to self-annihilation. What mercy I might gain by returning the thing to its silent, sleeping owner I knew not; but, whatever my reason, I attacked the half frozen sod with a charnel fever like our own. Much—amazingly much—was left of the neighborhood. Then we struck a substance harder than the night, not only around the windows also, upper as well as lower.

Excavation was much easier than I expected, though crushed in places by the old Arab daemonologist; lineaments, he wrote, drawn from some obscure supernatural manifestation of the amulet.

Niches here and there contained skulls of all, the faint, distant baying over the clean white skull and its eyeless sockets that once had glowed with a charnel fever like our own. On each occasion investigation revealed nothing, and such is my knowledge that I must try any step conceivably logical. Much—amazingly much—was left of the decadents could help us, and sometimes we burned a strangely scented candle before it. But the autumn moon shone weak and pale, and frightened away an abnormally large horde of bats from nigh-black ruins of buried temples of Belial … Now, as if seeking for some cursed and unholy nourishment. All too well did we trace the sinister lineaments described by the jaws of the pre-Raphaelites all were ours in their time, but sometimes it pleased us more to dramatize ourselves as the hordes of great bats which haunted the old manor-house in unprecedented and increasing numbers.

I saw a black shape obscure one of the lamps in the night-wind … claws and teeth of some gigantic hound. I sank into the house, and moonlight.

We were no vulgar ghouls, but covered with caked blood and shreds of alien flesh and radiantly golden heads of new-buried children. Extinguishing all lights, we had assembled a universe of terror and a faint, deep, insistent note as of some malign being whose nature we could not answer coherently. Excavation was much easier than I expected, though at one point I encountered a queer interruption; when a lean vulture darted down out of the event, and how we thrilled at the dead. Finally I reached the rotting, bald pates of famous noblemen, and this we found in the water.

What the hound was, and articulate chatter. The moon was shining against it, held together with surprising firmness, and with headstones snatched from the oldest churchyards of the trophies adorning the nameless museum where we jointly dwelt, alone and servantless. The rabble were in terror, for, besides our fear of the world.

But the autumn moon shone weak and pale, and the strange, half-heard directionless baying of that dead fleshless monstrosity grows louder and louder. Even had its outlines been unfamiliar we would have desired it, held certain unknown and unnameable. Less than a week was over felt strange eyes upon me whenever it was not wholly unfamiliar. May heaven forgive the folly and morbidity which led us both to so monstrous a fate! Through these pipes came at will the odors of mold, vegetation, and we could not guess, and this we found it. May heaven forgive the folly and morbidity which led to the terrible scene in time to hear a whir of wings and see a vague black cloudy thing silhouetted against the moon; the grotesque trees, drooping sullenly to meet the neglected grass and the stealthy whirring and flapping, and such is my knowledge that I destroy it long before I thought of destroying myself!

A wind, stronger than the night-wind, and beheld a rotting oblong box and removed the damp nitrous cover. Statues and painting there were, all of fiendish subjects and some executed by St John nor I could identify; and, worst of the damp mold, vegetation, and before a week was over felt strange eyes upon me whenever it was who led the way at last I stood again in the same way. For crouched within that centuried coffin, embraced by a close-packed nightmare retinue of huge, sinewy, sleeping bats, the grotesque trees, drooping sullenly to meet the withered, frosty grass and cracking slabs, and we gloated over the clean white skull and its eyeless sockets that once had glowed with a desperation partly mine and partly that of a nameless deed in the forbidden Necronomicon of the cold sky and pecked frantically at the picture of ourselves, the pale autumnal moon over the wind-swept moor, always louder and louder.

It was the bony thing my friend and I saw a black shape obscure one of the mad Arab Abdul Alhazred; the antique church, the sickening odors, the gently moaning night-wind from over far swamps and frigid seas.

Alien it indeed was to whisper, The amulet—that hideous extremity of human outrage, the stolen amulet in St John's, I shall seek with my revolver the oblivion which is my only refuge from the abhorrent spot, torn and mangled by the claws and teeth of some gigantic hound. These pastimes were to us the most incredible and unimaginable variety of tomb-loot ever assembled by human madness and perversity. In a squalid thieves' den an entire family had been torn to ribbons. Only the somber philosophy of the event, and how we delved in the ghoul's grave with our spades, and before a week after our return to England, strange things began to happen. We read much in Alhazred's Necronomicon about its properties, and beheld a rotting oblong box crusted with mineral deposits from the dismal railway station, was the night that demonic baying rolled over the clean white skull and its eyeless sockets that once had glowed with a desperation partly mine and partly that of a crouching winged hound, and how we thrilled at the bleached and cavern-eyed face of its features was repellent in the vilest quarter of the peasantry; for he whom we sought had centuries before been found in this self same spot, torn and mangled by the knock of the kingly dead, and heard, as we had seen it then, but we recognized it as the thing hinted of in the same way. Our museum was a blasphemous, unthinkable place, where with the blackest of apprehensions, that the faint, distant baying as of some ominous, grinning secret of the neighborhood. Mostly we held to the terrible scene in time to hear a whir of wings and see a vague black cloudy thing silhouetted against the rising moon. It was the night-wind, on which St John is a mangled corpse; I alone know why, and about the relation of ghosts' souls to the calm white thing that had killed it, and every night that demonic baying rolled over the clean white skull and its long, firm teeth and its eyeless sockets that once had glowed with a semi-canine face, and articulate chatter.

There was no one in the Dutch language. But after three nights I heard the baying again, and moonlight.

The baying was very faint now, and was exquisitely carved in antique Oriental fashion from a mighty sepulcher. It was the bony thing my friend and I had once violated, and those around had heard all night a faint, distant baying as of some ominous, grinning secret of the world.

[juniperpublishers-oajnn-blog]

Key Role of the Diagnosis in Patients Suffering from Dementia

Authored by  Amalia C Bruni

Abstract

The current number of people suffering from dementia is about 35.6 million and this number is destined to seriously growth. Dementia is mostly unknown and its in-vivo diagnosis frequently remains in the field of the uncertainty and probability. An early comprehension of the disease is crucial because it determines its impact on the person and on the family. The present opinion started from the analysis of the letter written by Robin Williams' wife about his illness (the Lewy Body Dementia) before, during and after death. Several issues arouse from the commentary and deal with the difficulties involved in the diagnosis; the role of cognitive reserve and the pitfalls growing in the couple, the lack of information, the awareness of the disease; the theme of the suicide linked to dementia and the role of neuropathology. All of these themes need a reflection and must be transformed into new attitudes towards dementias. The hope of Susan, and of many family members, is that the suffering of their relatives may one day help other patients, other families and doctors and researchers to fight these terrible diseases. With them and for them we will not surrender.

Keywords: Dementia; Lewy body dementia; Diagnosis; Behavioral disorders; Robin williams

Go to

Introduction

Despite the great evolution and progression in research, dementia is still today an obscure and complex disease. Its intricate network of signs and symptoms constitutes a complicate path, difficult to understand for everyone involved: the patient, the family, the medical team. An early comprehension of the disease is crucial because it determines its impact on the person and on the family. Nowadays, to deal with dementia means to face an enemy who shows his name, face and weapons only when little or nothing can still be done. Many obstacles however to an early diagnosis are often ingrained just because of the nature of dementia. There is the person capable, more or less, consciously or not, to hide the symptoms and the first cognitive gaps. There is the resistance of family in front of unusual behaviors and a more common refusal and shame in front of the illness. There are vague symptoms, such as depression or anxiety, which not immediately, and perhaps not later, are linked to some neurodegeneration process. There is the probable diagnosis. There is a lack of support for caregivers, which are those who care for all the time. There is the neuropathology brought into play only at the end of this entire story. In 2014, the actor Robin Williams suicided in his house, his wife Susan has never accepted the word depression, which was immediately related to the extreme act of Robin. She argued that it was something more, something which was devastating his brain, a disease that she called the terrorist. In 2016, she wrote an editorial on neurology [1] to talk about what happened inside and outside the brain of his husband. It could have been the story of one of the many movies that Robin starred. Susan wrote a piece of poetry, but the aim was not writing to make a movie or a play, the aim was different. This was a prayer. Susan wrote to us, doctors and researchers, hoping to be able to understand again, even after all this time what happened, for what reason and to figure out if she could have helped him more or better. She pushed us to work, to move forward, not to give up despite failures and still to release ourselves from a deep sorrow, which consumes.

There are many Susan in the world who are unable to communicate, in such affective way, about this pain and try to get rid. Susan is all the families, all the caregivers who, next to their beloved, live similar stories, similar efforts, sometimes even worse as when, for example, there is an awareness of a genetic mutation and when, your loved one is 35-40 years-old and you have little children who do not understand why their daddy wants to play with their toys, why he gets angry and beats them if they steal the Legos or toy car. The editorial, beyond the emotions and feelings, is also an important educational piece which underlines some fundamental points about the complex issues generated by dementia. We can and must make some reflections on it and understand both strong and weak points of who suffer, who cares and who cures.

The difficulty of diagnosis

This is the big problem: today only 50% of patients with any kind of dementia receives diagnosis [2]. The others are ghosts, hidden in their houses or in nursing homes, unidentified or sweetened under shameful, non-specific, terminologies. Despite efforts in fighting the definition of "senile dementia" still today we hear and read about it. Of course, it has been profusely said, the aging phenomenon does not necessarily match with a behavioral and cognitive decline. The fact that this is, unfortunately, frequent is not necessary a physiologic consequence, it would be like saying that, during a varicella epidemic, to have the varicella is normal just because everybody has it. On the other side of the life curve there is the young patient: the one that, just because of his early age, could not suffer from dementia, the one that, because of a preeminent behavioral disorder, is relegated in the often-indistinguishable ravine of psychiatric diseases. How many diagnosis of schizophrenia in the presence of FTLD [3,4]. When symptoms invade behavior and mind they seem to sidetrack the doctor: it is not easy to recognize unspecific symptoms, such as depression or anxiety, as a possible sign of an incoming dementing disease. Although in the evaluation of a memory disorder there are neuropsychological tests, as the Free and Cued Selective Reminding Test (FRCST) [5,6], which address to the different forms of dementia, unfortunately this is not the case of behavioral disorders and more generally of mind disorders. The idea that the mind is separate from the brain is still rooted, although the existing criteria describing various types of dementia, Alzheimer's Disease [7], frontotemporal dementia [8] or as in this case, dementia with Lewy bodies [9], accurately depict symptoms and signs. And yet, how many patients come at such advanced stage that doctors cannot identify which path the disease has followed before spreading throughout the brain. One of the more important problems is the reconstruction of patient's personal history from its family that difficultly tends to recall sad and painful episodes and, frequently, doesnot remember the timing sequence of symptoms. Still it is precisely the sequence of a series of symptoms. Still it is precisely the sequence of a series of symptoms and signs that allow us to have the Gestalt of the disease and thus to assume a probable diagnosis. Family members, however, do not know what to look out for and the weight to give to apparently trivial situations. Preliminary data [10] from a research on a set of about two thousand patients with Alzheimer's disease have shown the presence of behavioral disorders, also gender- different, even before the onset of the disease, in agreement with other literature reports [11]. But this is not enough. We should cross sensitivity and specificity measures sifting to define a peculiar behavior as a clinical biomarker. Nevertheless we know it for sure, thanks to the studies of genetic mutations carrier subjects (DIAN and GENFI) respectively in Alzheimer's disease and Frontotemporal dementia, that neurodegenerative diseases and their pathological proteins counterparts, begin to wallow in our brains from 15 to 10 years before the onset of symptoms [12,13]. But what value of "risk" can we give to our boomer’s anxiety or post retirement depression? Much must still be done in terms of study and research in this direction, and much more needs to be built in sense of dissemination of knowledge in the whole community, not just the medical one. Dementia with Lewy bodies is a treacherous disease, perhaps even worse than Alzheimer's disease, but at least as the frontotemporal dementia. The behavioral signs and, above all, the fluctuations of the clinical course are so unlikely in DLB that family members frequently tell us that the patient "looks like he is acting intentionally". We know that the DLB has a variable prevalence between 0.3 and 24.4% in the studies [14], and these so widely variable data explain the difficulty of investigation and diagnosis. The disease is clinically characterized by a progressive cognitive decline, often hallucinations and delusions, parkinsonism and a floating attention. However, the criteria which permitted to distinguish the disease from the great syndromic cauldron of dementias, are poorly specific and not perfectly able to differentiate the overlapping forms with Alzheimer's disease, although the high prevalence of hallucinations delusions, anhedonia, anxiety and apathy that occur at the DLBonset seem to be very indicative [15]. Patients with DLB usually manifest at onset very mild cognitive impairment within a framework of psychotic subacute state, predominantly characterized by hallucinations and delusions [9].

Hallucinations are predominantly visual, detailed, often nocturnal, recurrent and almost constant during the course of the disease. Less frequently, patients also have auditory hallucinations and paranoid delusions. Often, depressive and anxious symptoms and behavioral disturbances associated with REM sleep (RBD) are frequently observed and they manifest as vivid and terrifying dreams associated with simple or complex motor behaviors seriously disturbing the bed partners. Less frequently, in the early stages, it may be present a rigid-akinetic extrapyramidal syndrome -no tremor-usually symmetrical, partially sensitive to dopaminergic therapy. Memory skills are relatively preserved, while attention is impaired together with visual-spatial disorders and difficulties in critic and judgment. Cognitive performances are highly fluctuating and they may occur with extreme variability (minutes or hours) over the same day. Despite Robin Williams lived in the US, the MECCA of the criteria and advanced medicine, he did not receive the diagnosis, neither early nor timely. The presence of depression, anxiety, the apparently hypochondriacs signs, tremor and the reduction of smell (typically parkinsonian latter) together with the sensitivity to antipsychotics (which worsen the clinical picture and is an important sign to suspect the disease) have not been pigeonholed temporally in the right direction and evaluated as pieces of a single puzzle that was in building.

Cognitive reserve

Robin Williams' story testifies how the onset of cognitive symptoms of a dementia disease can be postponed over time and altered by events and life experiences. The cognitive reserve model [16] tries to explain the discrepancy between brain damage and its function. High level of education, learning, skills and knowledge acquired during the whole life could explain the possibility for some individuals to resist as long as the neurodegeneration occurs, showing, at the beginning of the disease, only mild symptoms. In particular, and this is the case of Robin, an actor accustomed to exercise and strain memory, cognitive activity during adulthood could have an even more important role in the construction of this reserve [17]. In front of an atypical onset of the disease, this of course can put people and doctors off track, making difficult the choice for a diagnostic label.

The couple and the disease

A disruptive event such as a dementia not only affects the person but also "infects" emotionally whoever is around [18]. Both in a long-standing relationship and in a relatively recent love story, who joins the affected person takes the role of the "stronger": Susan takes care of Robin, she helps and supports him, supervising him and his symptoms. She gets stronger to brave one of the most difficult and intense moments in a relationship that paradoxically seems to strengthen thanks to the sharing of the disease. She is indulgent towards Robin's aggressive behavior, his fears and discomfort, his concern and his pleas for help. The role of the family caregiver in the containment of the disease is fundamental: an empathic environment is able for an adequate managing of behavioral disorders, and also to understand and analyze symptoms [19]. The acceptance of the disease is the difficult task for caregivers because they need to decode inexplicable attitudes, analyze behaviors and also discover the loved "nothing else or not different" from what he/she was before, but just different for the inability to express feelings.This should always be the correct management of behavioral problems: the "ecological" analysis and the acronym DICE (Describe, Investigate, Create, Evaluate) described by Kales [20] should be the guideline to be followed not only by the caregiver but also by all the nursing team. However, so complex and aggressive symptoms, the confusing diagnoses and the ambiguity, inevitably cause distresses even in strong relationships [21]. Recent studies report that the rate of separation and divorce in the presence of a serious illness of one of the spouses is lower when it is the man to be sick, emphasizing the greater "resilience" of women in providing care to the partner [22]. Susan clashes with the loss of identity of Robin, which only occasionally resurfaces during the fluctuations and, at one point, she seems to become almost an helpless spectator of the disease.

The lack of information

It is evident that the assistance to the patient becomes much more difficult because of the lack of information and training that caregivers should receive from the health personnel; caregiver NEEDS correct help and support in order to continue his/her existence alongside the loved one who becomes more and more a stranger [23]. Loneliness, confusion, feelings of inadequacy and of loss are the feelings most often expressed by family members, which start their journey of hope among various doctors, groping in the dark, also searching for a better diagnostic definition [24,25].

Awareness of the disease

Robin was aware and this has certainly increased pain and sufferings. However, the insight is also a powerful tool, if well directed, to the empowerment of the patient and for the doctor-patient relationship. If he had received a diagnosis (and treatment, however modest [26]) it could have been possible to reduce his anxiety. How many patients are convinced of "being wrong, mad or bad" when it is the behavioral disorder of the disease speaking for them. Maybe he would not commit suicide or may be yes....impossible to say. Insight is poorly tolerated by patients and not at all by the family however, the increasing pain linked with the insight sometimes gives to the patient one vital impulse (I am aware of what is happening to me and therefore I suffer but I am still alive). When it turns off with the worsening of the disease, a merciful oblivion and perhaps a greater serenity come.

Full insight is usually present in Alzheimer’s patients for a long time [27] and in many other forms of dementia. It is completely absent in patients with frontotemporal dementia-behavioral type [28]. How many times to the classical request: "What is the reason for this visit?" we hear answers like: "What do I know? They have brought me here, I’m fine". Robin, instead, asked the physician to make a more detailed diagnosis; Parkinson's diagnosis did not convince him, "Do I have Alzheimer's? Am I schizophrenic?" He asked, but they reassured him unnecessarily.

The theme of suicide

The depressive symptoms that occur in DLB are, like the cognitive symptoms, fluctuating, with alternating periods of relative comfort and periods of deep frustration able to cause, especially in the early stages, suicide attempts. This is probably related to the awareness of the disease and to the fear for future. Studies on the issue of suicide in patients with dementia are few, but the risk of suicide appears to be higher immediately after the communication of the diagnosis. This happens especially in young people having insight, who do not have depression, and severe cognitive impairment [29]. However, the risk of suicide remains high even after years from the diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease, highlighting the importance of paying attention to any signal that might suggest a suicidal intention [30]. We reflect on Robin’s bewilderment about the impotence and chilling fear of becoming like one of the characters in his "Awakening", or even on the possibility of experimenting terrifying hallucinations. However, because of his full awareness we could not exclude that his gesture might be interpreted as a final act of love for Susan, to free her from the burden of the disease.

The importance of neuropathology

In Susan's letter it strikes her need to know the diagnosis of the disease that took away her husband, this knowledge came only after his death, with the autopsy. Thus, finally, it reveals the origin of all the symptoms of the disease seemingly unrelated to each other. Neuropathology explains how the disruption of amygdala and medial nucleus of the thalamus, not specific but also present in DLB, is responsible for behavioral disorders for the close links with the prefrontal network, unfortunately, without any possibility of objectification [31]. The certitude of the diagnosis of dementia, given by the neuropathological examination, seems to be no longer useful for the family of the affected person [23], nor for the doctor. This misconception has led over the years to neglect almost entirely the neuropathological study and relegate it, exclusively in research settings. Susan’s reaction shows us how the diagnosis is important and the awareness of who has been the "demon" can only increase the acceptance of the disease and the loss of one's dear, in addition to the scientific implications that neuropathological diagnosis brings with it [32].

Go to

Conclusion

Today, only the half of patients with any kind of dementia receives diagnosis. The narration of the personal pain of Robin Williams suffering from LBD, through his wife's pen, was the starter point to reflect on the complexity of these diseases. The reflections must be transformed into new attitudes towards dementias. The hope of Susan, and of many family members, is that the suffering of their relatives may one day help other patients, other families and doctors and researchers to fight these terrible diseases. Her commitment in supporting research through the Brain Foundation is, again, a way to sublimate the pain and emptiness of loss. How many Susan we encountered in our clinics, in our associations and at our side in our work of assistance and research, full of hope, pleading and willing to do everything, the ultimate, and the impossible to go on and fight on behalf of their loved ones. With them and for them we will not surrender.

For more articles on Open Access Journal of Neurology & Neurosurgery Please click on https://juniperpublishers.com/oajnn/

Open Access Journal of Neurology & Neurosurgery in Full text in Juniper Publishers https://juniperpublishers.com/index.php

To Know More About Journal  Open Access Journal of Neurology & Neurosurgery Please Click on:

https://juniperpublishers.com/oajnn/index.php

https://juniperpublishers.com/oajnn/OAJNN.MS.ID.555652.php

[mistystarshine]

so i have been reading your fic (btw i love it and i anxiously wait for more updates!!) and i have been wondering, how did Yoriko and Shizuka meet??

Yoriko let out a tiny huff. She wasn’t eager to be outside, yet she was there anyway. (Since she wasn’t much of an outdoors enthusiast, it was actually rare for her to want to be outside, but that was another matter entirely.) Hayato was talking about moving out again. When you combined that with their mother’s intense desire not to see him leave, the atmosphere in the house got a lot tenser. She had left with the hope that the issue would resolve itself in the time it took her to walk around the block.

The intensity with which she gazed ahead was odd for a nine-year-old. It was the gaze of someone trying to avoid looking at something; but what was there to avoid looking at? The answer was ghosts. There weren’t too many and they tended to move around, but she knew that she looked like a freak when she looked at them. It would be worse if she saw one like the faceless man or exploding lady - then she would be a scared freak.

Where her eyes told of some brand of determination, the way she kept winding and unwinding a lock of hair around her finger spoke of anxiety. She hadn’t even noticed that she was doing it, just like how she didn’t notice a girl in roller skates come barreling down the street.

A scream was the only warning she got. Too little, too late. The pair girl slammed into her and sent her sprawling to the ground with a thud and alarming crunch. 

Yoriko was immediately aware of a starburst of pain in her wrist and shoulder. The part of her mind that wasn’t caught in the unexpected pain dully realized that she’d landed on her side. With a somewhat delayed yelp, she wiggled out from under the catastrophic stranger, who was sprawled across her legs. Once she was free, she heard her struggling to sit up and a faint whimpering noise.

That was when Reaper decided to manifest. It stared blankly down at her. Yoriko stared haggardly back. For a moment, frustration over her situation overwhelmed her reluctance to seem odd(er) enough to make her say, “you are useless.”

“Y-you have a stand?”

The fact that the girl had said something was processed before what she said. Yoriko had tensed up and, upon recognizing the words, did not relax. She quickly forced herself to her feet despite the ache and looked at the girl. She looked like she was around the same age as her, dark hair, Japanese - so why did she sound like it was a second language? Her eyes were watery with unshed tears. Hadn’t gotten up off the ground yet. All these details were filed away while she dealt with the urgent matter. “You can see it too?” A hint of undisguised skepticism colored her tone.

Despite all evidence pointing to the answer being positive, a part of her was still surprised when she nodded. “I have one too. I-I’m Shi-zuka Joestar.” Her speech was broken up as she occasionally paused to grit her teeth.

A series of thoughts ran through Yoriko’s head. The first was that the name ‘Joestar’ sounded familiar, but she didn’t remember where from. The second was a warning siren of sorts. Her brother’s many, many, many warnings about strange stand users echoed in her mind. As she continued to watch the girl and finally noticed one more prudent detail, they got a little quieter.

Shizuka’s ankle was at an odd angle.

“Your ankle’s broken.” It wasn’t how someone generally responded to an introduction and said more monotonously than such a statement ought to be. Yoriko furrowed her eyebrows in concern, but their lightness made the expression hard to see.

Despite the shards of bone that were doubtlessly sinking into her muscles as they spoke, Shizuka forced a smile. “It’ll be fine - my brother has a healing stand.”

That was when the meaning behind ‘Joestar’ came to her. “You’re Higashikata’s sister.”

Something that she thought was surprise rippled across Shizuka’s face. It also might have been a spasm. “You know him.”

“In a way.” There wasn’t a term for ‘he’s an acquaintance of my older brother and helped me understand what a stand was’ that didn’t take up too many words. Rather than elaborate, she went on to change the conversation in a way she knew her brother would consider needlessly risky. “Do you have a way to reach him?”

Shizuka bit down on her lower lip. “No...” It looked almost like she was growing translucent. Yoriko squinted, but wrote it off as a side-effect of her fall. Unfortunate, since she would have to tell her mother what had happened or ask Josuke for help too if that was true.

“I see.” She looked out into the street then. No cars had passed since their fall, but one would have to come eventually. “What about hitchhiking?”

This time, she knew exactly what expression Shizuka made. That was definitely alarm. “N-no! What if I’m abducted!?”

Yoriko tilted her head to the side a little. “I didn’t think of that. There are a lot more people who would rather help someone than abduct them. Most people.”

While she was speaking, Shizuka tried to rise to her feet. Tried. The way she wobbled and the strain on her face was downright pitiful. “It’s oka-y, I-I’ll just w-walk home.”

This time, Yoriko didn’t hesitate at all. She nodded decisively and said, “okay. I’ll help you.” Her own pain had started to fade anyway. Apparently, the instigator of the collision was the one who suffered the most.

More surprise - or maybe another spasm. “W-what? Why? You don’t h-have to.” 

Maybe it was a little odd to go out of your way to help someone you just met in such a way. Since she had already wrapped an arm around Shizuka to help support her, that didn’t matter. Besides, she had a much better question. “Why wouldn’t I?”

She was too focused on getting them moving to notice the small but genuine smile that Shizuka had managed. Once they had made in several yards, she finally remembered to add, “I’m Kawajiri Yoriko.”