faith-alhazred

[faith-alhazred]

i am using DeepSeek and Suno to create an atmospheric album for my upcoming ttrpg game. the game is going be about four Anishinaabe hunters looking for a new hunting ground while trying to overcome their old conflicts.

my fav so far is: https://suno.com/song/a5316393-b490-40e4-99b6-d214948bfef7

idk it's just funny and SO accurate about the kind of group interactions ibwant to see at this game 😂

[faith-alhazred]

i hate that feeling that i am defective, broken, and wrong. and twice more i hate feeling of being exposed as defective and broken. i feel like i just must, hysterically, must proove myself that's everything okay with me.

but as i am nervous, hysterical and panicking - all i can proove is that i am broken and defective.

but when i feel calm and confident everything goes so easy i do not even notice that something happened.

[faith-alhazred]

last night i visited the place i could call "home of my childhood" and couldn't hold tears. i was assured i do not need this place, like, i am too old for this.

i am reluctant to go to bed tonight.

[faith-alhazred]

"дурацкий офис не похож на космодром"

[faith-alhazred]

i was walking home late, and someone were following me - weird looking guy, who has a cardboard box of writing supplies, some pens, broken rulers and stuff like that. i felt very uncomfortable, especially as he was walking very close behind me, so i slowed down to make him pass by. he went closer and i was so startled i swung with my plastic bag like i am ready to hit him with it. maybe i managed to say something awkward like "it's alright, you just go where you was going".

and then he stopped there staring at me and started to push me and kick slightly with his feet, blabbering something i couldn't understand. i freaked out SO much, i tried to go away from him, saying "leave me alone, what do you want, leave me alone".

there was another guy, tajik, going a little ahead of me, and as he heard this happening, he noticed what's going on, he came closer defending me: "you heard the girl, leave her alone, leave her alone i said". he pushed the freak, and grabbed him, and was holding him so i could safely get away. i was in panic, repeating "i don't know him, he followed me, i do not know him".

and then the freak rose his head looking into my eyes... and it turned out it was my own brother. he was looking at me and said in a bitter and sad voice: "okay, little sister, as you say".

i felt absolutely confused and tried to ask him something like "why didn't you just tell me it was you?" but then i woke up.

[faith-alhazred]

sometimes i want to throw myself out of the window, not like suicidal or i want to die, but i want a valid, legit cause to stay in hospital for a while, to pause everything from happening, to be not obliged to answer any questions, or solve anything. just to have time to... idk, process everything? restore energy and emotional resources to deal with my life? and may be, some things would be solved by someone else, while i can't solve them myself. it sounds cowardly and egoistic if you have no real reason, like you almost died.

[faith-alhazred]

well.

2025 plans:

- never skip the prayer time and being good muslim ☪

- keep being happily in love ❤️

- workouts two times a week (or more) and control calories and sugar intake 🏃‍♀️

- professional growth (courses and inshallah a pet project) 💻

- saving some money 💳

- sleep and relaxing enough and having enough me time and hobby time (ttrpgs, old movies, gaming, crochet... who knows, may be firearms) 🌿

[faith-alhazred]

i love my life.

2024's ending makes me feel sad.

then suddenly my husband dedicated a poem to me 😭❤️

i love him so much ❤️❤️❤️

[faith-alhazred]

we will fucking survive this winter and everything is going to be okay after that.

period.

[faith-alhazred]

Серые дни, квартирные войны,

Семейные дрязги, ревность и ложь.

Жалко мне не хватит обоймы

Перебить все подонков - ну и что ж.

Нужно оставить немножко друзьям -

Пусть оторвутся, им тоже надо!...

(с) NazgulBand

[faith-alhazred]

WIP my new year avatar, that i won't use (because according to my husband snakes don't match with my personality).

it supposed to be a desert horned viper, because they are the coolest kind of snakes, like it's literally snake with horns 🙀

[faith-alhazred]

stupid financial stress.

ya know that actual time of year, when i should buy gifts and prepare festive supper, and pay for medical bills, and make other regular payments (and they are destroying my budget already) they delay kinda half of my salary. one quarter - to the end of december, and other - to the 10th january.

that's left me with kinda 1-2 grands (russian rubles, of course, usd equivalent is 10-20 bucks) for the whole month.

na-ah, of course i will survive it. but right now i am at the edge of the hysterical panic attack.

it seems like at 2025 i must find second income source (that's idk how hard could be with my regular full time and overtime job, that's draining me).

i do not need pity or alms, or whatever, but i just do not know, what else i can do to earn enough to feel safe.

[faith-alhazred]

today i can't shake away a feeling that it's 31th of december, and it's a work day, the last one in this year. it's dark outside and my workplace is lonely, abandoned, as everyone has left it to go home. and in a couple of hours i would go home through empty snow-drifted streets. and at home i would find the New Year spruce (magnificent smell), olivier salad, tangerines, cola, festive table, decorations... And at midnight - the chimes, gifts, fireworks, and then - whole night and winter break, when i would be left to myself, not knowing - what's next, like an explorer who just discovered a whole new land.

[faith-alhazred]

my top-5 songs this year according to yandex music:

[faith-alhazred]

хочу домой

[faith-alhazred]

actually, that's not that bad, at least when it's about -6°, snow is fluffy, and i am dressed warm and going outside for a walk.

i hate winter.

i hate cold weather, darkness whenever i have free time, freezing toes, dirty snow, ice-covered paths, thick puffy uncomfortable clothing, damaged skin and that every winter some shit is killing me from the inside.

[faith-alhazred]

one of my weird triggers: when someone doesn't want to confess something quite obvious and keeps denying, inventing excuses and covering the truth with lies - i can't stop till i make him confess. idk what's wrong with me, but i just can't stand the elephant in the room.