#also in the end everything was fine

[starry-bi-sky]

on a completely separate note; shizun luo binghe with a disciple shen yuan who fell into the abyss??? *thinks about LBH canonically stealing SQQ's corpse for 5 years* he'd hallucinate i think. like, like visual and audial hallucinations.

Keeps thinking he's seeing SQQ in the corner of his eyes, or wandering between the trees, amongst a group of disciples. Thinks he hears him calling for him, but its just the wind or another disciple.

Gets Xiu Ya reforged but patently fucking refuses to make a sword mound. Because his disciple Is Not Dead :))) There was No Body. He's Not Dead. And If You keep Insisting That He Is, He's Gonna Skewer You :). He's holding onto Xiu Ya so he can return his most favored disciple's sword when he returns. It's on his hip right next to Zheng Yang where it's supposed to be.

Also this motherfucker?? does not sleep btw. He has the image of SQQ, wide eyed and hysterical and standing at the mouth of the abyss burned into his fucking eyelids. Can't use the dreamscape to escape it either because he keeps trying to save him and either he does and it's an incredibly cruel trick to wake up to, or he doesn't and he gets his heart broken in several different pieces again.

There is no convincing this man that Shen Qingqiu is dead. Absolutely nothing at all. He is buried so deep in denial that moles would be jealous of how deep he is. He keeps making tea for two in the bamboo house only to remember that it's just him. SQQ's fans are hiding everywhere, little reminders of his presence. He goes to wake up SQQ on the mornings he sleeps in-- only to find the room empty.

[obibail]

"Still not helpful."

[wherewolf]

the responses i’ve seen to shiv’s ending seem very quick to write her off as just another sad victim of the cycle, which isn’t without truth BUT!!! that is not even remotely the summation of shiv’s story.

i don’t think she votes yes to “save kendall” or to try to finally set her brothers free. and i don’t think her main concern was that ken was becoming their dad. she absolutely noticed and didn’t love it, but that was not her motivation in betraying him. she was thinking about herself.

it’s tempting to make a martyr out of her as she is the only female child and we see her suffer the onslaught of misogyny that comes with that. but to make her into a saintlike figure who got beat takes away the power and intelligence behind her decision.

at this point she’s stuck between two non ideal choices, but she recognizes that they have accidentally made her the single most important player in the game. because while she can’t have the outcome she’d prefer, she has the power to decide the fates of everyone else. the written off lone woman now holds in her hands the fate of every man in her life.

so she thinks about the long term benefits of both options and realizes that one side leaves her completely without any leverage.

her brothers have proven to her multiple times in the last few days alone that they will cut her out and walk all over her the first chance they get. siding with them leaves her nothing to bargain with. she would just have to hope that ken would actually take care of her. and that level of vulnerability is not only unacceptable to her, it’s stupid. and shiv fuckin roy is not stupid.

so she thinks about the other side and about what she actually wants for her life. and against her better judgment, it’s becomes unfortunately clear that she wants tom. the way she wants him is not altogether loving or even good but it is necessary to her. she sees relationships as having winners and losers and she chose this man specifically so that she could be confident in her ability to win. except now he’s grown some balls and made himself unavailable to her.

she may not like the way her husband is evolving but she already placed her bets on him, so she’s sure as hell not losing to him now. there’s also a part of her that feels intrigued by this new man she’s married to. it’s interesting to have a sparring partner in him instead of having to looking for excitement outside of their marriage.

so for maybe the first time ever, she processes what tom has said to her and thinks about what he actually wants.

he needs her to prove that she cares. he needs to know that she is capable of sacrifice. if she can’t find it within herself to do this for him, then she will lose him, and by extension, she will lose.

siding with tom gives her the opportunity to once and for all make a grand-stand gesture of love, but more importantly, it creates leverage for her. never again will he be able to hold the moral high ground over her head. never again can he say she doesn’t love him. never again can he call her selfish or uncaring. above all, he can never betray her again, because she just removed all of his moral justification for turning on her. he doesn’t realize it yet, but she’s just taken back all the power in their relationship. just in a more subtle way than she’s used to operating.

and just like that, she has the ceo of a multi billion dollar company in her pocket, while situating herself as the only descendant of logan roy to still be playing the game, having removed her brothers from the equation permanently. she may still be far from the top but she’s creating a path for herself to climb.

so yes, she’ll let tom play king for a day, and she’ll have his baby and say “congratulations,” and play the gracious wife, but tomorrow is a new day with lots of room to maneuver. and when her husband puts out his hand, she’ll place her own on top. but she won’t grasp it because she doesn’t need to.

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

okay why did i never realise that the reason alex fucks up this guitar solo is because jamie comes up behind him and grinds against him 💀

[turtleblogatlast]

Leo’s natural intuition and perceptiveness are so good and subtle but seen throughout the whole show many, many times. And it’s interesting to see how these natural characteristics of his give way to other traits of his as well.

Like, him loving twists and betrayals and surprises goes hand in hand with him being so naturally intuitive.

Canonically, he knows his fam so well he can predict how they’re going to react (knowing what state his fam would be in during the base Shredder fight, being able to trick everyone in Lair Games, knowing Splinter would fall asleep after milk and cake, etc etc etc etc), and he also knows how to predict and manipulate his enemies as well (the “salami paper”, everything with Big Mama, etc etc etc etc).

This intuition comes off as very natural, so it makes so much sense that anything that throws that off would be fun for him to encounter! Provided that the “surprise” isn’t, y���know, world ending.

Moreover, this intuition and perceptiveness also goes hand in hand with how he’s secretly more responsible than he lets on, having to remind his brothers to be aware of how they appear or what may be too much for them or who they may hurt if they’re not careful.

Lastly, and this one is obvious, but these traits are also what fuel Leo’s sense of strategy, which is displayed not only with his actions on the battlefield, but every conversation he has outside of it. After all, it’s a long game to play, to appear a certain way. The Face Man is just another strategy.

So yeah, he knows people. He knows people very, very well.

And he tries very hard to make sure no one knows him.

[lunewolf13]

Dick Grayson blankly stares at the ceiling: Am I a bad person?

The voices in his head that sounds oddly like his best friends: Of course not!

Dick: Oh.

Dick, voice wobbling: Then why do I feel so alone?

The voices don't answer. They're in his head, after all.

Jason throws a pillow at him: That's it! We're going out for ice cream and you are going to stop acting like I shot your dog!

Dick just starts wailing: Don't even suggest that!

Jason: Get your ass off the floor and come on then!

Twenty minutes and a two scoops of double fudge brownie later, Dick is feeling better.

Dick: I guess I just needed some sugar.

Jason: What, you forgot to take your morning sugary cereal that shouldn't ever be considered a breakfast food?

Dick kicks his shin: Thanks Jay.

Jason: For what?

Dick: For caring.

Jason grumbles: Whatever. If you're a bad person, then we're all rotten apples.

Jason: Also if I hear more bullshit about you being alone, I will call the little demon. He'll drag you to the manor and won't leave you alone for a whole week.

Dick smiles. Genuinely smiles.

Sometimes, sugar and good company is enough. Dick lets himself bask in it for a minute, lets the pain settle down just for a moment.

Then, he breaks the soft, caring peace in the air with a joke, pulling walls back up with Jason none the wiser.

Dick: Now I feel bad about eating all the chicken pot pie that was left on the counter yesterday.

Jason:

Jason: I take it back. You're a horrible, sadistic person. Alfred made that specifically for me!!

Dick laughs as he dodges a punch to the gut: And it was delicious.

He's fine.

[sleepyskydraws]

Yellow Eyes

[starry-bi-sky]

do yall ever think about bruce/batman!clone danny standing in front of his bathroom mirror after finding out he was a clone and silently tracing his face. The slope of his jaw and point of his chin. The high angle of his cheekbones and the shape of his eyes, the curve of his brow bones and the shape of his nose. The volume of his hair and the way it curls and gets fluffy when it gets too long.

His hair is black the same way a crow's wing is black. His dad's hair is black the same way a black bear's fur is black. His dad's eyes are blue like the ocean is blue. Danny's eyes are blue the same way a glacier is blue.

His dad has a square jaw and straight flat hair, and he tans and gets a face full of freckles when he's out in the sun for too long. Danny burns like a lobster and his face remains untouched. Danny has a sharp jaw and tall cheekbones, and Sam says when he's not smiling there's almost something regal about him. You would never call Jack Fenton "regal" when he's not smiling.

Sam says when he's not smiling he looks scary the same way a stone statue is. Jack Fenton when he's not smiling looks scary the same way that german shepherd staring at you across the street is.

Do you ever think he grew up wondering if he was adopted. Because of course, he has black hair and blue eyes like his dad. But having the same color doesn't make you someone's child.

Or, worse, things he's heard from the other kids and the other parents and even some of his teachers growing up; that he was the product of an affair. And that his dad was just too stupid to notice. And Danny would defend his parents until the day he died, because Jack Fenton wasn't an idiot and Maddie Fenton wasn't a cheater.

But doubt comes in with fickle tongue. his parents swear up and down that he is their child when he asks about either. That Danny just had his grandparents' features, but he was their son and they loved him.

But Danny doesn't look like either of his parents. His mom's eyes are blue like an aquamarine and Jazz's too. And they burn like lobsters in the sun too, but Jazz gets freckles on her face and so does Maddie. And as Danny grows up he doesn't bulk up or get stocky like his dad did, and when he hits puberty he doesn't shoot up like a tree like Jack Fenton did.

He stays small, and they say he's a late bloomer (and he is), or that he just has his mom's height. But he's fast and has good stamina, and some days it feels like he's built entirely different from his family. That the things they went through growing up just didn't apply to him. Jack and Maddie Fenton both had acne and breakouts when they hit puberty, and Jazz inherits it and he's seen the amount of skincare products she keeps on her side of the bathroom.

And then he hits puberty and breaks out maybe once or twice, but his skin stays clear for the most part and the problems and changes his dad went through just don't happen to him.

And the truth is worse than all of the lies.

How horrifying.

[spidehpig]

i’m immediately breaking into his batshit crazy house just to ask him what we are after this

[lockandkeyblade]

After everything is said and done you cannot tell me Ventus would not fall irrevocably in love with Sora, Roxas, and Xion.

This is the child who has constantly wished for friendships and connections and, bang, wow, looks like shattering your soul and going into a coma for ten years gives you like... your evil counterparts twin, your own twin, and the cutest girl ever? And all of your hearts are either connected or adjacent in so many ways that you may as well be family, may as well slap some definition on it that makes sense.

Ventus would love them. He would love them so unconditionally it would almost physically hurt. He would absolutely drive Terra and Aqua insane because if he isn't spending time with them he is sneaking out to harass his new family.

Going to Destiny Islands so he can spend time with his Second Chance. He gets Sora to show him everything he knows about the islands and then has him hop on his Glider so they can discover a fair bit more. Riku and Kairi can have the play island with him, that's their spot, but Ventus gets to have the skies with Sora, and that's better.

They eat traditional dishes and he teases Sora about paopu and sure, maybe he's got a different kind of education, but he throws himself into learning ahead of Sora so that he can be there when Sora feels stuck. He meets Sora's mom and she becomes his aunty, eventually she makes him a bedroom in the attic and he cries but uses it at least three times a week, if not more.

He helps Sora (and eventually Riku and Kairi) figure out how to lie with the truth when it comes to other worlds, so it feels more natural settling in around people who cannot know the full spectrum of their adventures. He breaks the rules because Sora needs him to, and sits down Sora's mom to tell her everything, to heck with the rules. He smiles when Sora comes home and his mom hugs him to her chest and tells him how proud she is, so proud, and when he tries to sneak out as Sora starts crying, he's shocked when he's pulled into the hug as well. No one leaves the couch cuddle that night.

And Roxas, gosh. Roxas is... he is such a challenge at first. And Ven really struggles to understand that, needs Lea to sit him down and explain Nobodies on a deeper level than the records that are on their Gummi Phones, until he gets that maybe Roxas really struggles with having the same face because he has had so, so little that really belongs to him, and him alone.

They struggle until Ven comes up with a plan. They struggle until he invites Roxas up to the clock tower with ice cream, and Ven talks. He shares what it was like to find out he was half a person and that being whole would just make him a weapon, all the powerful people who let him down even when they should've been protecting him. He talks about losing his friends and losing himself for ten years, he talks about struggle.

And when Roxas talks about struggle right back, he listens. He doesn't judge. He hugs him tight when Roxas cries and promises him he'll make sure none of that ever happens again and they will never, ever mention this conversation after this day but Ventus will never, ever forget his promise. He drags Roxas into doing things he knows Roxas has never done before and watches him relax completely when, once confronted about why he's so excited to do this, Ven admits he's never done these things either.

He doesn't try and skateboard, he never invites himself up to the clocktower again. He doesn't integrate himself with Hayner, Pence, and Olette. He finds something new for both of them, something neither of them have claimed, and sometimes they both hate it, sometimes Roxas isn't impressed, but sometimes they both love it and things go from new to theirs and that's all Ven needs. That's all he needs.

And throughout all of this Xion constantly tries to fade into the background and Ventus never lets her do that alone. A lot of their initial time together is just spent sitting quietly, and sure, Ven feels like he's vibrating quietly out of his skin the majority of that time, because he has so many questions and he wants to reassure her that his interest is to be there for as long as she'll allow him in the same breath.

But the payoff is the small smiles he starts to get when he goes out of his way to sit at the edge of meetings with her, when she shyly begins to share her interests and likes. The way she allows him to start giving her small gifts and ask about those interests and likes a little more often, until she's willingly sharing them with him. Until she starts to be a little more vibrant, a little more sassy (anyone who comes from him and Sora is guaranteed to be at least a little sassy), a little more herself.

That's all Ven wants, for her to be herself, and giving her the time she needs to see that makes their relationship such a soft and easy thing, but strong as steel at the end of the day.

Ventus integrates himself into their lives. He works for his connections with them with split knuckles and blood on his teeth, the first person to defend any of them, the first in the Wayfinder trio who admits his perception of Darkness is really skewed and he needs to fix that because his new family needs him to be better. As he gets better, he thinks of Vanitas and aches, because now he knows how different it could've been, if Xehanort didn't get to them first. He lost that chance.

But he won't lose his chance with the others. He becomes better, for them. He leaves behind his childhood and becomes an older brother for the first time, and he loves it.

And they love it too.

[celestriix]

thinking about klavier gavin again because i saw someone say that the fact that he's the only prosecutor in the series who wants to find the truth and isn't insanely obsessed with winning like the other prosecutors makes him really boring

and i understand it to some extent when comparing him to other prosecutors but... Klavier Gavin??? BORING????

after playing aa4 i was OBSESSED with klavier gavin and the untouched potential of this guy

he loses his best friend/bandmate, his brother AND his mentor in the span of like a year?? i think??? which is INSANE.

there's something very tragic about klavier, a person who values finding the truth above all else, finding out that two of the people closest to him betrayed his trust and lied to him and used him for their own means AND ARE MURDERERS.

and then his mentor, a person who taught that seeking the truth is what a lawyer should do, gets murdered by a person who believes that winning in trials is the most important thing above all else WHICH IS THE SAME EXACT THING THAT KRISTOPH VALUED AS WELL !!!

this core belief of finding out the truth that klavier has, leads him to finding out about the things that daryan and kristoph did, and even though they are important to him, people he CARES about, he continues to work with apollo to see that justice is served.

and the fact that we don't get to see anything of klavier getting any closure after the events of aa4 makes me insane

we never get to see much of klavier's feelings on what happened or him fully processing the events of aa4 and that one case in aa5 and it makes me soooo upset. i wish he got more than that little cameo in aa5 and that one tiny flashback appearance in aa6.

in an alternate universe, aa4 got a true sequel that fully explored klavier's character, as well as phoenix's, klavier's, AND apollo's relationship with kristoph, and klavier's relationship with phoenix post-aa4, and also a more thought out? (for the lack of a better word) backstory for apollo, and an exploration of the jury system, and a game that ACTUALLY built upon the foundation that aa4 laid out.

and i am forever upset that we are not in that alternate universe.

[kirby-the-gorb]

[kagoutiss]

oot zelda doodle i liked :’-)))

[candyskiez]

Thinking about ???%/Shigeo as a character today and losing my mind. Like he's so funny to joke about but also he's SUCH an interesting character (especially from a plural angle, ESPECIALLY when you're a system yourself) and he makes me want to explode. Imagine forming to protect a little kid and deciding you love him so so much and you'll always be there for him, and you love his little brother, and you love his best friend, even though the world doesn't love you very much. But you take it anyway because you have those three and your little family so you're happy. And you have powers and they're a part of you and the other kid and it's fine until it very suddenly Isn't, and nobody's explaining why, just that you need to Stop Having Them. And the kid just decides, okay, I'm sorry, I'll be normal. And you get no explanation. You just have to be suppressed that little bit more. You form because he can't handle being suppressed yet he suppresses you. And then one day it all blows up and you make a mistake trying to protect your little brother and suddenly everyone hates you. Everyone thinks every little thing you've ever done is proof you're a monster and you always would've turned out like this, and you have no idea what they're talking about. You made a mistake trying to save your brother. But because you look scary and act different, even though you've always been there suddenly you existing is dangerous. Because you made a mistake, you are now Irredeemable.

That would fuck ANY kid up. But like, think about it. Shigeo had no one except Tsumobi and Mob and Mob's family. And suddenly he has no one. Mob represses him so deeply. He makes one mistake and suddenly he's not allowed to talk to anyone, suddenly he's completely alone and isolated. He has to share a brain with someone who despises him. He has the trauma of the accident AND the trauma of suddenly losing everyone he loves on top of it. He literally had no one for years. No wonder he's so fucking cynical. All of the shit about "I don't trust anyone" in the manga? Yeah, of course he doesn't. The rug was pulled out from under him so fast. In his eyes everyone just hated him for no reason, because he existed, and everyone would hurt him for existing, so he could only trust himself. Yeah, no wonder he's so selfish, he has no one else there at ALL. It's just...holyyyy hell.

And the thing is if you actually look the little things point to him yearning for connection so desperately. He's still so aggressively protective of his family (even though he lost them a long time ago, they're Mob's now, they don't even know he's there. Don't get me started on that from a plural view. I won't shut up and will probably pour my heart out.), and just ...world domination arc. When he's so upset about losing his family. We know he doesn't trust Reigen. Yet he's running to Reigen for some sort of comfort because he's scared and doesn't want his family to die and wants someone to tell him everything's fine. And Reigen DOES and he believes him. He believes him and immediately passes out. The guy who doesn't trust anyone wants to be loved so so bad and wants to believe Reigen more than anything. He really clearly WANTS to be able to trust Reigen. But he can't. More on this later.

And also thinking about why the build up in confession arc broke him like that is just fucking sad, man. Everyone was telling them to change. Shigeo's been told to change and it meant "be normal". Mob isn't even the one who actually likes Tsumobi like that. Shigeo's being completely repressed and Mob wants to live without him completely. Everyone wants to live without him now that they've used his powers to get this nice perfect life (in his eyes, at least.) Everyone's just trying to forget he ever existed so they can be happy without him, when Shigeo never GOT to heal. He never got to move on. He never got to process any of the god awful shit that happened to him. Everyone's telling him, change. Be normal. Be normal so Tsumobi will like you. And Shigeo's so fucking stressed out of his mind because lying about who he is didn't even help Mob make friends, it didn't make him popular, it didn't make anyone like him, it just made them both miserable. He doesn't want to be stuck like this. Of course he's freaking out. We see in his encounter with the body improvement club that being told to go back to normal sets him off HARD. It's clearly a sensitive subject. "Normal" means "Don't exist" to Shigeo. Do you see why this fucked me up as a system yet. Oh my god.

And his breakdown is just...painfully understandable. Like, actually think about it for a second. Shigeo has never been shown forgiveness or compassion or any amount of understanding for his mistakes. He never was taught to mature or see any nuance. He fucked up, so he doesn't deserve any second chance. Nobody ever taught him compassion. He has such a completely black and white view of the world. If someone did something bad once, they are forever The Bad Thing. If someone was kind to him once, they are forever Good and Perfect. Teru was a threat once, so he is now Always A Threat. Reigen was a liar before so he is Always A Liar. Ritsu was sweet and kind as a kid so he is always His Innocent Little Brother. And Tsumobi accepted him as a kid, so now she's the only person who could ever possibly accept him. Teru sees Shigeo at his most terrifying, when he's actively hunting him down, and in the manga looks at him with fucking hearts in his eyes. Ritsu might not be all perfect, but he's trying so hard and understanding no, Shigeo isn't just a scary part of Mob. Shigeo isn't Evil. But because neither of their acceptance is perfect, and because they aren't from Tsumobi, he can't see it's even there. And also, another thing, his response to people acting outside of his perception of him is to get them away. It scares him. Teru isn't acting how he expected? Attack maim. Ritsu isn't afraid of him anymore? Teleport him away so he doesn't have to confront the change. Reigen acts different? Throw shit at him until he hates him.

It's just so...fuck man. Of course he's like that. He's immature and selfish because nobody taught him not to be. Nobody helped this kid when he needed it and this is the result. He thinks he's an irredeemable monster so he acts like one when he's told to just be himself. He doesn't see change as being realistic. He's been treated the same no matter what he does so he assumes this is how the world naturally is. He's just a bitter mentally ill kid who nobody gave any reason to believe that maybe the world is nice sometimes.

Another thing: I think he really really wants Reigen to care about him. Him going "I can't listen to him" is so intense with the context of the fact he immediately passes out to rest and let Mob take care of it once Reigen says his parents are safe. Reigen can convince him like nobody else can. He cares about him and wants to believe him and that's terrifying! He hates him and resents him and wants him to be proud of him and wants nothing to do with him and it's confusing and he just wants something that is (supposedly) guaranteed. He wants Reigen to care so badly and it feels impossible. Why would he ever care? He just wants to use him. The only way to bring Shigeo back from his breakdown was to show him that people can be kind without wanting something back in return. Reigen saying "you don't need me anymore" was the only real way to help him, to show him that he's not doing this for himself, but because he cares about his student(s). Because he cares about BOTH of them. He cares about every version he's seen and interacted with, not because of his powers but because they were them. He had to let go of them to truly help them here, so Shigeo wouldn't have any lingering fear. What helps Shigeo is the display of kindness with nothing to be gained and Mob finally realizing that Shigeo's just...flawed. They both realize that sometimes people are just flawed and fucked up and make bad decisions and just straight up hurt people. And they'll still love you. They'll still be worth saving. But you can't deny their flaws, for Mob, and you don't need to seek the perfect relationship to have someone there, for Shigeo. It just. Agh! God! I am always losing my mind over this story. Fuck. This SHOW .

[liquidstar]

but for real i love adventure time bc in the face of shitty family members that are also space war criminals, most kids show protags would be all "guys lets not fight... we're family! we can be friends! peace and love!" but finn is like "im going to personally rip off my dads arm because i hate him"

[goneatlas]

i need a jirv gets turned into a vampire AU soooo bad. especially if it's canon setting. especially if it's just him alone who was turned, nobody else.

imagine (well i mean you don't have to imagine this part, it's just who he is even in canon). repressed jirving who is having ""impure thoughts"" about other men. listen it could be anyone take your pick but i'm going with nedward and hodgson here because i like my cringefail terror lieuts ot3 a lot. ofc he's praying to god for forgiveness for the way his mind wanders and he represses that shit all the way down (it doesn't work, obviously. because when has repressing things worked) anyways he's dealing with all that guilt of seeing himself as not beeing good enough in the eyes of god, that maybe he's just a sinner masquerading as a saint, preaching to others in hopes that in saving someone else he would redeem himself in the eyes of god. you know. the usual jirving fare.

and then on watch one night, he gets swiped at by a creature (a vampire) and he doesn't even know what happened because he was knocked out but dr macdonald remarked that it's strange how they found him lying in his own blood, and there's dried blood in his hair and on his clothes, but there were no sign of any injury on him, not a single scratch. he looks paler than usual but that was chalked up to the cold. he gets told to get warmed up and to report if anything changes or if he feels woozy or otherwise. he thinks it's strange but everything feels fine. (of course it's not fine)

later when he reaches for his bible, it burns and he drops it. he reaches to pick it back up but it burns him again. a horrible sinking feeling starts to set in. when he picks up the bible with his scarf, he opens it to read a passage and it makes him physically nauseous. the more he reads the more it feels like he's drowning. he closes the bible and tries to recite a passage from memory, but it's the same thing. the cross burns him too. he tries to pray to god but it tastes like ashes in his mouth.

whatever rations he eats comes back up. he tries to keep them down, he really does, he knows the scarcity of food—he tallies them for god's sake—but he can't. he feels hungry all the time, but nothing he eats stays down. there is a voice in his heading telling him that there's food all around him, he just needs to take it. the voice gets louder when he brushes against one of the crew, or when someone passes him by in the cramped space. he resolutely ignores the thought. his stomach hurts all the time now.

it's funny. but the thing that finally broke him was when he went to clip his hair and trim his beard and found that he has no reflection. he angles the mirror this way and that, nothing. he wipes the mirror clean again and again, nothing. (at this point the realization must've dawned, it should've dawned ages ago, but he won't acknowledge it. to acknowledge it will make it true. it will make it inescapable). at this point he realizes he will no longer be able to groom himself. all the rituals that he holds dear, the ones that make up the shining pillar that guides him in all this chaos and darkness, are now inaccessible to him. he blacks out and comes to behold the broken shards of his mirror, and he thinks he might be crying but his cheeks are dry. there are no tears for him to cry, his new self was not made for that.

sooner or later nedward and hodgson corners him in his cabin. they're concerned for him. as they try to get him to confess what's wrong, the ""impure thoughts"" come back full force. he's just thinking about how nice it would be to be embraced by them. to be held between them, sheltered from the world. to press his face to their shoulders. to turn his face towards their necks. sink in his teeth. taste their warmth on his tongue.

he feels the fangs grow in his mouth. he has to clap a hand on his mouth and turn away from his friends so they wouldn't see the monster he's become. because that's what he is now. he has been spurned by god, damned. he is dead, but he isn't in heaven (why is that a surprise? why does that hurt? he knows his deeds and his sins. he has judged and found himself wanting. maybe it was just that he hoped god would forgive him for all of it anyway). no, he is dead and yet he's forced to live out his life in this hell.