#also if you fancy a free open air movie

[slashonmydash]

I learned the World Sailing Championships will be held in my city starting this week and different events will be held including free movie screenings. Now which boat movie did they opt to show to get people enthused about boats and sailing?

The Mercy

[skepwith]

More Parts of the Revenge for OFMD Fans

Part of a series: Revenge Master Post.

This post is about stuff in the body of the ship, going more or less from top to bottom. I’m saving the sails and rigging for my next post. If you want to know more basic terms like fore and aft and bow and stern, look for “Parts of the Revenge” in my master post.

Obviously, using these terms is entirely optional, since David Jenkins et al. are free and easy with the ol' historical accuracy. This list is for pedants like me and people who like historical and specialized language. Enjoy!

Main Deck

The low “walls” on the sides of the open decks were called the bulwarks—they were to keep people from falling overboard. On the Revenge, the bulwarks are topped by a rail (railing).

A gap in the bulwark, together with a set of rungs on the hull, was called an entry port. It allowed people to climb aboard from a dinghy.

The top edge of the bulwark was the gunwale, pronounced gunnel. The expression “loaded to the gunwales” is still used to mean very full. The top edges of a dinghy are also called gunwales.

An opening in the deck is called a hatchway. I wrote about hatches a while ago, but what I didn’t realize was that the hatch is the part that covers the hatchway. The wooden grid that lets light and air through is called the grating.

In the bow, the curving rail that goes from the figurehead to the hull is called the head rail, which would’ve been really helpful to know for my toilet post. Oh well.

Stede’s journal could at a stretch be called a logbook (or log). This was a book in which an officer noted details of the ship’s daily progress and journey. Probably a bit less fanciful than Stede’s version.

Weaponry

The Revenge has guns (the word used for cannons) on her main deck and her gun deck. Before a gun was fired, the barrel was cleared with the sponge, then loaded with gunpowder and shot and wads of cloth, all of which was tamped down with the rammer. There were different types of shot, or ammunition; cannonballs were called round shot.

To fire a gun, a lit fuse (usually a slow match) was brought in contact with the vent at the top of the gun—called the touchhole—to ignite the gunpowder. (The wick added in OFMD isn’t accurate. Shocking, I know.) The slow match was usually held with a staff called a linstock, tucked into a notch on the end. You didn’t want to be right next to the cannon when it went off, because there was a non-zero chance it would misfire and explode in your face.

Despite what you see in movies, cannons didn’t produce a lot of fire and smoke; the cannonball did damage by going unstoppably through hulls, masts, and people—often many at a time—like a deadly Energizer bunny.

The gunpowder was kept in kegs in a small room called the powder magazine. (A magazine is an ammunition storage area.) This room was in the hull of the ship, below the water line, to minimize the chances of a stray spark sending the whole ship up in flames. The shot was kept in the shot-locker, a small room in the hold (though this word wasn’t recorded till 1805). As we know, Stede calls this the ball room.

Besides the regular cannons, the Revenge also has swivel guns, small cannons mounted on swivels. These were too small to damage another ship; they were there to fire at boarders and approaching boats. Or, you know, to set off fireworks.

To take an enemy ship, sailors might use a grapnel (or grappling hook). These were attached to a rope and thrown at enemy bulwarks or rigging so the ships could be pulled together for boarding.

The Gun Deck

Everything on a ship had to have a special name: stairs were always called ladders; the floor was called the deck; and a wall or partition inside the hull was called a bulkhead.

Some of you may know that a ship’s kitchen is called a galley. However, this usage wasn’t recorded until 1750; the earlier word was cook-room.

Likewise, the mess is where you eat on a ship, but this sense wasn’t recorded until the late 1800s. In OFMD’s time, mess meant “a group of people who eat together,” like officers of the same rank or sailors on the same watch.

You might know a berth as a shelf or box to sleep on, like Stede’s (and Ed’s) bed, but this usage wasn’t recorded until the 1790s. The earlier meaning, used from at least 1706, is “a room where a particular group (such as officers or midshipmen) eats and sleeps.” So you might call Jim’s room a berth—except that it changes hands, and its name has been firmly established as the Room.

A berth is also a place in a port or harbour where you can moor (park) a vessel, and thirdly, the safety margin around another vessel or object, which gives us the phrase “to give [it] a wide berth.”

Finally, the area where the animals (remember them?) were kept was a small triangular area in the bow called the manger. This seems to be where the Revenge’s en suite is, at least as far as I can figure, but if you want to include the animals for whatever reason, they’d probably live somewhere around there.

Storage

Some of the stuff on board was stored in casks, a.k.a. barrels. These could be any size, but a large cask was also called a butt. A scuttlebutt was a butt full of water attached to the deck for sailors to drink from. Unfortunately, the word wasn’t recorded before 1800, and the “gossip” meaning not till a century after that. But it’s a great word and you should use it anyway.

A keg was a small cask, usually less than ten gallons, used for things like gunpowder or rum.

A sea chest was a wooden box used to store an officer’s personal effects—or to confine a nosy hombrecito.

The Ship’s Bottom

(As it were.)

In several of my posts and diagrams I said the lower decks of the Revenge were the gun deck, the orlop, and the hold. But my friends, I made a grievous error: the Revenge has no orlop. I know!

In season 2, for the first time we get to see what’s below the gun deck. When Frenchie opens the secret passage in the kitchen, he reveals a set of stairs—sorry, a ladder—down to a grim, damp space. The kitchen is on the gun deck, so this is the deck immediately below it, and while on most ships that would’ve been the orlop, in this case it’s the hold.

The hold was the lowest compartment of the ship, used for storage and cargo. It also sometimes held the ballast—heavy stuff (e.g., pig iron, gravel, stones, lead) put there to improve the ship’s balance. The lowest part of the hold itself was called the bilge or bilges—the area where bilgewater collected and had to be pumped out.

Episode 3 shows the water on the floor—sorry, deck—making it pretty clear we’re in the bilges of the hold. On top of that, an Instagram post by crewmember Will Giles (shared on Tumblr by @ourflagmeansbts) mentioned repurposing the “bilge set.”

Which all proves that the Revenge’s hold is immediately below the gun deck, with no orlop in between.

The keel is the structural piece that runs lengthwise along the middle of the hull’s bottom. Keel-hauling was to drag someone along the outside of the keel, underwater, as a punishment—very nasty, often fatal.

Also underwater, at the stern, is the rudder, whose movement makes the ship turn. On a dinghy you steer by moving the tiller, a horizontal bar attached to the rudder post. On a ship like the Revenge, you turn the ship’s wheel, which is attached to the tiller via cables, and that moves the rudder.

That’s all for now! Coming next: sails and rigging, in port, and more sailing lingo.

Sources: Wikipedia, historicnavalfiction [dot] com, Oxford English Dictionary

[heymrsandman]

Wanna Try Star Trek?

Hi tumblr! I love Star Trek, as do many of you, but it can seem intimidating to folks who are interested but don’t really how to approach such a large franchise. The thing is, Trek’s “golden age” lived in that delicious sweet spot where tv shows outside of soap operas were only just starting to learn about serialisation. These shows were built for drop in, drop out viewing. So I’m gonna write some beginner friendly summary/reviews of various episodes and you can see if it strikes your fancy. If you decide to watch an episode I talk about, please, feel free to talk to me about it!

Also, I made a big spinner wheel of all the TNG/DS9/VOY/ENT episodes and I needed something to do with it.

Today’s random pick is Deep Space Nine’s “Indiscretion”, episode 5 of season 4.

So real quick, Deep Space Nine aired between 1993-1999 and was set aboard the titular space station. It’s still the only Star Trek show not to be based on a ship. The long and short of the premise is that, after a long and gruelling occupation by the Cardassian Union, the planet of Bajor wins its freedom. Having no means of defending themselves from something like this happening again, Bajor reaches out to the Federation (the post-scarcity multi species utopia that humanity is part of) for protection. They send a Starfleet detachment to administer the space station the Cardassians left behind, commanded by one Benjamin Sisko, who has to manage the delicate political situation. This show is by far the most serialised of this era, but nowhere near the extent of modern shows.

First Officer’s Note: Starfleet is an all-in-one exploratory, scientific, defense and diplomatic service, and most of the shows and movies revolve around the various adventures of Starfleet crews.

Our episode today opens with DS9’s First Officer, Major Kira Nerys, receiving a call from an old friend named Razka Karn. He tells her that he’s found a lead on a ship she’s been searching for called the Ravinok. He won’t share the information over a video call, so she’ll have to come to him.

Ship Counsellor’s Note: Kira is a Bajoran, and was previously a member of the Bajoran resistance against the Occupation. Bringing in “one of Kira’s old resistance buddies” is one of the writer’s favourite ways to start up a plot for her. 

The station’s security officer Odo shows up for a scene where he’s giving Kira a security report, but her mind’s clearly elsewhere. Odo asks her what’s wrong, and Kira asks whether he thinks she should go after the Ravinok. He tells her it doesn’t matter, as he knows she’s going to go anyway, so all he’ll say is “good luck”.

Usually, there’s some hand wringing over whether or not Sisko will send one of his officers on these personal missions, but here we skip right to Kira packing for her trip, only for Sisko to give her the unpleasant news that the Cardassian government wants in on the search too. See, the Ravinok was a Cardassian ship transporting Bajoran prisoners when it was mysteriously lost.

Kira’s come a long way in her feelings towards Cardassians since the start of the show, so she does (huffily) agree to delay her departure by 52 hours to allow a Cardassian delegate to join her.

Science Officer’s Note: Bajor, and by extension DS9, has a 26 hour day. This is one of those little writerly worldbuilding details that stays consistent, and really helps sell the idea of Bajor being its own place. Take note, aspiring writers!

It’s b-plot time! Sisko has been dating a freighter captain by the name of Kasidy Yates. Jadzia Dax, the Science officer, teases Sikso that things are getting serious, which Sisko denies. Kasidy then shows up to say she’s got an interview to sign up as a freighter captain for the Bajoran government. She’d be around all the time, she could even have quarters on the station! Sisko is clearly scared by the idea, but Jadzia is having way too much fun encouraging Kasidy to care. She’s a cad.

Back at Ops (the command centre), the Cardassian delegate arrives - it’s Dukat! Dun dun dun! Ad break!

Tactical Officer’s Note: Dukat (whose first name is never confirmed in the show, but some of the novels name him Skrain) is a major recurring character on the show. Sometimes an ally, often an opponent, but never liked by the crew. He was the officer in charge of the Occupation of Bajor during its final stages, with the rank of Gul. At this point in the show, he’s recently been promoted to Legate.

On their way to rendezvous with Razka, Dukat, galaxy brained individual that he is, decides to debate Kira on the merits of the Cardassian Occupation. When Kira pushes back on this, he says “I have to desire to debate the merits of the Occupation with you”. Charming guy.

We do get Kira’s motivation here, which is that the Ravinok was transporting a prisoner by the name of Lorit Akrem. He was the man who inducted Kira into the resistance, and one of the many friends and mentors she gained during that time.

Back on the station, Kasidy is telling Sisko over dinner that she got the job and how excited she is. All he can say is “it’s a big step”, and before long Kasidy gets sick of this and storms out.

Razka’s come through though, in his new role as a scrap metal merchant. He’s gotten his hands on a piece of the Ravinok’s hull. Kira and Dukat are able to use it to track the Ravinok to the Dozaria system, which conveniently has one (1) habitable planet.

Arriving at the planet, the pair are unable to determine much more than the wreckage’s rough location and decide to land their ship and explore on foot.

Chief Engineer’s Note: Star Trek is famous for its “technobabble”, made up science-y sounding phrases designed to create and solve problems. Due to the “ionic interference”, neither scanning for lifesigns or using their transporters to beam directly to the surface are possible. Ionic interference is a favourite of the writers, great for when you want to make sure a problem can’t be solved too quickly or easily.

Sisko is busy commiserating the situation with Jadzia and the station’s Chief Medical Officer Julian Bashir. They’re no help as Julian is also having entirely too much fun with this. Quark, the owner of the local bar, which is basically a space Dave & Busters, pipes in with his own two cents. Given that Quark is a Ferengi, and Ferengi culture is so misogynistic they make your average MRA look like a feminist ally, it’s not much help.

The Ravinok is found in short order, along with a series of 13 graves. Dukat sets about identifying the remains, and refuses to let Kira help. He claims that Cardassian funeral rites are very strict, and non-Cardassians must not view the remains. Hell, he even quotes a Bajoran religious leader to justify why she shouldn’t concern herself with the bodies of her fellow Bajorans. Luckily, Bajorans all wear earrings unique to their family line, so Kira can identify the bodies from those after Dukat excavates them.

Medical Officer’s Note: they’ve landed in a scorching desert, which Dukat loves. Cardassians are lizard-like and prefer hot environments. This was a major plot point in the season 2 episode The Wire. The desert shots were filmed in Soledad Canyon, California!

A little while later, Kira emerges from the ship’s wreckage with a passenger manifest to discover Dukat lost in thought as he stares at a piece of jewellery that she identifies as a Bajoran pledge bracelet. Dukat admits that he had an ulterior motive for coming on this trip, as he hoped to find a Bajoran woman by the name of Tora Naprem. She was his mistress, and he claims that the two were in love.

Not buying that last part. Also, Dukat absolutely has a thing for Bajoran women. It keeps showing up throughout the show. He even hits on Kira every now and then.

Anyway, Kira’s able to use an old resistance trick to track the survivors.

Later that night, as they make camp in a cave, Dukat manages to get a giant stone spike impaled in his ass. The sight of him hopping around in pain as he rubs a medical doohickey of the wound prompts Kira to burst out laughing, and Dukat even joins in. It’s not really a bonding moment, but there is a certain energy to it. An abatement of hostility, perhaps.

Whatever it is, it gives Kira the courage to ask about Tora Ziyal, the name of a civilian she found on the ship’s manifest. Dukat admits the truth, Ziyal is his and Naprem’s daughter. Dukat’ sensing the Occupation was coming to an end, planned to quietly ship them off to a neutral planet to live out their lives in peace, as neither Cardassia or Bajor would accept them.  Kira, naturally, assumes he’s come to rescue Ziyal. Dukat says he’s come to kill her. Dramatic music sting. Ad break.

First Officer’s Note: Bajoran names follow Eastern naming order, meaning that Kira and Tora are family names. Also, Star Trek loves doing things in caves because they can build a new set out of the same few prop walls they have. It’s a fun detail to notice as you watch these shows.

The next day, Kira & Dukat are arguing as they pick up the trail. Dukat claims that he has too many political enemies, and a bastard child, let alone a half-Bajoran one, would give them ammunition to go after him. Kira accuses him of just being out for himself, but Dukat insists that he can only protect his family if he remains in power.

Are you getting a good feel for the kind of bastard Dukat is by this point?

This is all a bit much, how about another comic relief break in the b-plot? Sisko and his son Jake are having breakfast, and Jake mentions that he (and his friend Nog) spoke to Kasidy. As Sisko’s getting ready to give Jake a talk about the hard facts of life, Jake (having talked things through with his friend Nog) correctly diagnoses the problem as a fear of commitment. Sikso’s a widow, see, and it was his career that got Jennifer killed.

Sisko is rather bemused by this, but he can’t deny that Jake’s spot on. He asks if Jake said any of this to Kasidy. Jake says that he (and his friend Nog) considered it, but ultimately decided that Sisko should speak to Kasidy himself.

But now, at long last, we find the survivors. They’ve been taken captive by a mysterious alien race called the Breen, and are being forced to mine Dilithium ore from the planet. Presumably, it’s quite easy to do, as there’s only a few dozen survivors and no signs of heavy industry. There’s a young girl there too, presumably Ziyal.

Kira tells Dukat to go back to DS9 for reinforcements. Dukat refuses, and Kira’s obviously not going to leave Dukat with a chance to kill his daughter. Instead, they decided to mount a two person raid on the mines, which goes out without a hitch.

Well, except for the fact that Lorit died two years ago and a brief firefight gives Dukat a chance to slip away and find Ziyal. She instantly guesses who he is, having held out hope for the last six years that he’d come rescue her. Kira catches up to Dukat and threatens him at gunpoint to drop his rifle. 

It’s ultimately Ziyal’s words that sway him, and Dukat can’t find it within himself to mow down his own child in cold blood.

Back on DS9, Sisko apologises to Kasidy, who accepts, and Dukat says he’s going to take Ziyal back to Cardassia to live with him. Aww, maybe he’s not such a bad guy after all.

First Officer’s Note: Yes, he is.

This is a pretty great episode. It was directed by LeVar Burton, who had been a main cast member on The Next Generation, and is remembered by many as the long running host of Reading Rainbow. He did especially well with the location shoots, making the narrow Soledad Canyon look like an expansive desert. Marc Alaimo as Dukat shows yet again why the writers kept bringing him back. He’s smarmy, oozy, hypocritical, but still retains a certain charm.

Though he only gets two short scenes, Roy Brocksmith does great as Kira’s old friend Razka. He was a jobbing character actor in the 80’s-90’s and if you’ve seen American tv from that era, chances are you’ve seen him in something.

The b-plot is a needed reprieve from the heavy nature of the main plot, but smartly it’s not played for broad comedy. Instead it’s more subdued, more grounded and relatable. Luckily, Kasidy sticks around and has a sweet relationship with Sisko, built on a genuine chemistry between the two actors.

Would I recommend this as your first Star Trek episode? Conventional wisdom would say no, it’s too steeped in the lore of DS9 and the relationships of these characters, it’s the start or mid point of so many character journeys. Sod that for a game of soldiers, I say. This is a great little story, and even without context for everything you can pick up what’s going on well enough to understand the emotional stakes. That’s far more important than knowing all the lore and linking plot points.

So, what’s next? Time to spin the wheel, I guess!

Oh boy, we're doing Voyager!

[colourstreakgryffin]

Hello helloooo!

May I request dad!Douma being made to sit through Disney Princess marathons while also being made a guest in his demon daughter’s tea party? :D

Papa Douma do whatever he must for his baby girl! So let’s do this! I missed Dad! Douma!

Douma- Grand Party

“Daddy! Want some more?” You chirp happily as Douma nods, presenting the empty glittery pink tea cup to you as you pour imaginary liquid into the plastic ceramic with excited hops. For you and only you, his precious little ice princess, Douma has been practicing his imaginary play-along skills and he has found himself cuddled up to fit at a very small wooden table with his precious babygirl, listening to Frozen go on for you

A normal father should hate hearing Disney movies play all day but not Douma, he actually likes each one you want to watch and loves performing all the known songs, plus the infamous ‘Let It Go’ from Frozen for you with a luxurious show of pretty ice statues and trinkles of snow rain to make you feel like you’re apart of the scene. Hearing you laugh and seeing you smile further fuels that new sense of life, love and purpose Douma never had before

Douma hums excited and pleased with your party hosting skills, bringing the fake liquid up to his lips and loudly sipping as to show you that he is enjoying the party you set up for him. Sure, there’s no dead body parts of attractive women or a very fancy silky table sheet but he doesn’t need such treatment to enjoy his time with his precious daughter

You whine sadly, bringing down your cup when you see the dark credits roll. The movie is over already and it made you frown, ah, you won’t be sad for long as Douma politely places his ‘empty’ toy cup and shifts past the delicately organised table to meet the tv screen. Picking out the next movie from the huge stack besides the metal frame, he was quick to switch out Frozen for Mulan

As your very touchy, affectionate father. Douma does everything to make your day perfect, that includes working his brainwashed servants to exhaustion to gather as many Disney movies as possible to present to you. He doesn’t care if his cult members suffer immensely, they’ll be at peace soon by his own claws in one way or another. They must please his daughter and thankfully, he didn’t have to get himself dirty before coming to the party

The classic warning signs and other boring movie ads played on the previously black screen whilst you clapped your free hands together cheerfully and let Douma take them in his much larger palms. He sat down before you, going back to apple-sauce crisscrossing on the floor childishly. Douma is actually childish and playful so being able to play with a child is not as hard as suspected

“Sir Daddy, the cake is ready~” You chime in a playful professional tone when Douma presses play on the Mulan title screen to start up the sixth Disney movie of the early day and the signature Disney opening music begins purring through the air. Douma smiled happily, showing off his clean snowy fangs through his toothy grin. His claws picked at the napkin sat on his toy plate as he picks it up and places it on his lap, his hands folding over as to be respectful to you

In no time, you pulled out a cute wooden replica of a stereotypical party cake from the toy oven sat besides you. Douma eagerly picked up the plastic cutlery wrapped up in a napkin, like the way you saw restaurants handle placing cutlery, as you played cutting the slices of the cake after pulling the fluffy adhesive spot off each other so it became four equal slices

“Is it strawberry? Ooh! How about cherry! Cherry is Daddy’s favourite!”

[elapsed-spiral]

Fic Delivery Service!

So, AO3 is still down and looks like it might be down for a while (boo, leave the poor website alone, ya weirdos).

In the meantime, if you're desperate for a fic, I've got the following fics of mine available as PDFs. As an added bonus, I can send them to the email address of your choosing using the burner email account I used to make my Google Docs SMAU. In other words, if you fancy reading any of the following fics as a PDF, Stede Bonnet can send them to you! DM me if you'd like any!

Cool collaboration(s) you should read immediately:

Work Experience: what if Ed went to meet Stede when the Revenge ran aground? And what if Ed became a member of Stede’s crew? And what if things kept escalating and… Canon AU. Mature. Co-written with Shearwater.

Really no excuse for how stupid these ones are:

Watch Out, Here I Come: what if Stede had been intentionally seducing Ed? Teen

Once More, With Feeling: what if Frenchie just fixed the season 1 finale fiasco because he’s the most capable guy on the ship? Teen

Talent Show: what if Ed was crass about his sexual preferences? Explicit

Capsize on Your Thighs: what if Ed rebounded onto Calico Jack at the end of season 1? Ed/CJ and Ed/Stede (but Ed/Stede is endgame, natch). Explicit

Your Feedback is Important to Us: what if Stede started holding open cabin hours to allow the crew to air their grievances (but was also very repressed and horny over Ed)? Explicit

Oh no Ed’s working through gender/class stuff (but make it funny):

Finery: Ed gets to wear a dress, Stede spontaneously combusts. Explicit

Tell More Tales: Stede isn’t the only writer aboard the Revenge. Explicit

Lovers and Madmen: Ed is hellbent on marrying Stede. Explicit

AUs no-one asked for:

Conflict of Interest: lawyer!Stede/businessman!Ed (read: gangster). Modern AU. Explicit

Intergalactic Tango: Space Waltz AU. Mature

Trade Descriptions Act: bailiff!Ed/estate agent!Stede. Identity theft but make it meet cute. Modern AU. Teen

Baddy Zaddy: Bridget Jones’s Diary style, former porn star turned sex shop owner!Ed/still unfortunately landed gentry!Stede. Novel length modern AU. Explicit

Prize Every Time: You’ve Got Mail-y secret pen pals but also business rivals. Novel length modern AU. Explicit

Your Favourite Song: locksmith!Ed/museum curator!Stede. Kinktober fill that somehow isn’t E rated. Modern AU. Teen

Draft Letter to Restaurant Downstairs: Google Docs AU with a (slightly) interactive element. Modern AU. Teen

Blind Date: Stede and Jeffrey Fettering go on a blind date at Ed’s restaurant. I think you know where this is going. Modern AU. Explicit

Different Dimension: ficlet that crams four and a bit AUs into 850 words. Modern AU. Teen

Stuck Still: British holiday resort AU feat. events manager!Stede and bartender turned fairy!Ed (it makes sense in the story I swear). Modern AU. Explicit

On the Job: “kidnapping” meet cute (but not actually. Again, I swear it makes sense in the story). Modern AU. Teen

Starring Jason Statham: another weird meet cute, courtesy of Jack and the Fast and Furious franchise. Stede/Jack, Ed/Jack and Ed/Stede (Ed/Stede is once again end game). Modern AU. Teen

West Ham Is for Lovers: Lucius has a new job. It’s going fine. Completely, totally fine. A meet cute fic about meet cutes. Ed/Stede but also Lucius/Pete, Lucius/Fang, Lucius/Izzy and Lucius/Olu/Jim. Modern AU. Teen

Proud: Ed attends Pride to get free mum hugs, Stede attends Pride to give free dad hugs. Modern AU. Teen

Conventional: back in the 00s, Ed was in a very famous movie franchise. Nowadays, he does the convention circuit. Modern AU. Explicit

KrakenAir: Stede and the crew are heading to Benidorm to celebrate Stede coming out. That is, if Stede's all expenses spared KrakenAir flight ever departs. Modern AU. Teen

Oh no there’s been a containment breach (aka non-Blackbonnet fics):

We Do What We Like (and We Like What We Do): A brief history of Ed and Jack. Explicit (Ed/CJ)

Fealty: Stede and Izzy make one another even more miserable. Mature (Stede/Izzy)

Contra Proferentem: Ed is a high powered lawyer and Professor of Law at the University of Cambridge. Lucius is not a high powered lawyer but he is a lecturer of English Lit at the University of Cambridge. Stede own a very nice cafe. Explicit (platonic Ed/Lucius, Ed/Stede, no cheating involved)

[saintsstranger]

Wild Child | N.F. (The Quarry) - Chapter Nine

Chapter Summary: Would you be selfish once more or let your dad dictate what he wanted you to be?

Nick Furcillo x Female!Reader (no use of y/n) Warnings: Bugs, Insects, and Cursing (I'm not great at tagging). Reader is an entomologist expert of camp.

Chapters: Prologue, Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six, Chapter Seven, Chapter Eight, Chapter Nine

Summers were supposed to be spent halfway across countries. Lounging in beach chairs, eating different cuisines every day, and living the nightlife until you could see the morning sun. Rinse and Repeat. Summer was supposed to be your escape. A small time away from your real life.

Now this year’s summer was spent in Northkill, New York. Somewhere secluded, somewhere where you thought a 5-star hotel would be located. Somewhere you thought you would just be able to laze around, lounge in a sauna, or poolside. Explore the gardens, party in the evening, or just simply get away from your father. An escape. 

And yet you are here in Hackett’s Quarry Summer Camp.

Here you are spending your time teaching about insects, giving out guides on what type of species the insects are. Here you are spending your day, looking for different types of butterflies for your collection. Here you are having fun winning in a team-building activity. Here you are tolerating the children you previously called ‘devil spawns’. Here you are stuck eating the simple dishes Nick had prepared for the camp. Here you are having the time of your life in an environment you are not accustomed to. Here you are enjoying the morning view of the lake had given. Here you are having fun with people who you thought wouldn’t be your friends in this lifetime. Here you are, more like the real ‘you’.

And now you stood in the middle of the kitchen wiping your ugly tears. That at first, is a place you’d hate ‘cause it stereotyped women belonging in the kitchen. Now you have grown to appreciate and see it in a better light. Now it is your safe space.

Here you have shown all your faults and flaws, here you have split yourself open, ready to bare it all to the person you knew who wouldn’t judge you. To someone who would listen to you talk for hours, smiling with every word uttered. To someone who made you enjoy the simplest things in life.

Simple things like:

Preparing simple dishes with Nick and washing the dishes together.

Sharing thoughts with Max about what movies would be best for movie marathon day.

Having fun listening to Ryan’s campfire stories and always getting scared shitless of course.

Kaitlyn sings the obnoxious Summer Camp Song that she likes to annoy you with whenever you wake up late.

Being competitive with Jacob whenever there is a sports competition and winning against him sometimes.

Talking with Emma about fashion, and the ‘Fancy Dress’ schedule you share together.

Looking in awe whenever Abi is painting the insects you had provided for her to draw.

Playing pranks on each other with Dylan, and even teaming up to do it to other counselors.

Shared schedules with Laura and her insightful knowledge about animals. Also, the gossip you share together, hidden behind hush whispers.

The silence and calmness of the morning air in Hackett’s Quarry, whenever you wake up early to look at the stillness of the lake. 

There you realized that your weird hobbies of adding different insects to your collection weren’t hobbies at all. Those meaningless activities you do in your free time (that’s what your father had called them) are something now you have grown to love. The small act of collecting and taking care of it just like your mother had done, had been a great influence on you. And how those summers you spent with your mother affected what you wanted to be when you grew up. Especially now you got your acceptance letter, you wanted to pursue it even more. This is what you had been dreaming of, your future to become the real you. Something your father had not tainted. 

When you calmed down, you stayed in his arms. Unmoving until you wiped your tears with the back of your hands. Rubbing your eyes roughly to prevent yourself from breaking into pieces once more. You laughed.

You laughed at how pathetic and ridiculous you looked. Not realizing you were still in Nick’s embrace; he rubbed your back in small circles.

“There are probably snot and tears there, you might want to change.” You joked, not looking at Nick directly but just pointing at the tear stains on his shirt.

“It’s fine.” He smiled at you. Not even prying about why you suddenly cried in front of him, he was just there comforting you in silence. Giving you something to hold onto, he took the pain away with his soothing hug.

And you felt your heart melt and your stomach flipped on itself. Nick understood what was going on, and he didn’t pressure you to talk. You see Nick didn’t just make you realize to stop and just enjoy even the simplest of things. 

So now it’s best in memory — To him taking the onion for you so you wouldn’t cry, giving you a glass of water when you didn’t notice it, cutting fruits whenever your campers get tired, handing you cleaned jars for your insect collection, teaching you how to cook, giving you his shirt when you were half-naked, cooking you dinner even when you both had stayed in the kitchen hours late; and even when you hated doing the dishes, it became tolerable with Nick.

You had found someone you could lean into, something you haven’t done in a long time.

With one last inhale, you faked a smile and tried to wipe traces of your breakdown. There are tears still evident on your cheeks, your eyes were puffy and the tips of your nose as well. You probably resemble a tomato.

“There. Do I look pretty?” You asked him, lifting your eyes to meet him. With an expression you couldn’t read; he looked at you. You felt his hand hovering over your cheeks, wiping faint traces of mascara that lay at the corners of your eyes.

You feel the warmth of his hands, and you almost have leaned yourself to them. But you forced yourself to stay still, to not hurt yourself furthermore. If you had gone in with your desires, the temptation to be held once again, you wouldn’t know what would happen next. You wouldn’t know what you do.

“You always look beautiful.”

You paused. Nick had been looking at you directly. Staring with a certain look in his eyes, unlike the first time that you had met. It almost looked like he was challenging you to it, to look at him the same.

It was you who had looked away from his honey-molten eyes, only that his intense gaze left a make its way to the pit in your stomach.

Was the room too hot?

You were the first to yield only for it to land on his lips.

There were no words, no witty remarks, no sharp wits, or an ounce of confidence. Your heart was thumping wildly on your chest. 

This was different. This is uncharted waters, something you haven’t traversed yourself in. You feel yourself swimming in a pool of fire, your mind becomes a jumbled mess, your face overheating and the only distance between you and him are mere inches.

“I—I…” You were stuttering. Tongue-tied with how soft and sincere he had said it.

Slowly he placed his hands back to his sides, and the warmth was gone. You stared at the dishes like it was the most interesting thing you had seen, immediately you submerged your hands in water, ready to splash it in your face as well. Your heart was still pounding, and you couldn’t calm down, you had to walk out of this room. Get another breath of fresh air, somewhere away from Nick.

You washed it quickly and in silence, ready to bolt out once again. You were nervous, almost dropping a plate or three, and Nick was always ready to help you.

“Thank you.” You muttered. It was almost like a wisp in the wind when it left your lips, but nonetheless, he hummed in satisfaction. He understood like he always did.

When both of you were done washing the dishes, you almost forgot your troubles. Nick had replaced your anxieties with the tenderness of his embrace and overall, just being him. While you were both in the kitchen, you were more worried about whether you looked ridiculous after your crying fest, not about your father’s call. He had simply wiped away your worries.

God, you were fucked. You have truly, madly, and deeply have fallen. The great and unmovable you had already raised your white flag; you’d admit to the whole world. There was no saving you from the bottomless trenches you had put yourself. This was you in love. Something you never thought you would feel.

After putting the remaining clean dishes in their respective places, you trail behind Nick. Only this time, your co-counselor could see a glimpse of your features, not the dead-man walking earlier. A sliver of you had come back in that short time in the kitchen, it wasn’t no secret that you were blushing or that you looked nervous, not the fear-stricken nervous earlier more like schoolgirl-crush-nervous. They were ready to tease you and bombard you with questions. They knew you would bounce back like you always did, and it wasn’t no secret that Nick was your cure.

“Did you fuck in the kitchen again?” Dylan teased; both of your eyes widened. Your mouth gaping like a fish, the cogs in your brain weren’t working. You haven’t thought of a comeback to his comment when Nick pointed behind Dylan with a disgusted look on his face. 

“Dylan, your camper is eating one of their boogers again, you might want to—” Nick distracted Dylan. Dylan immediately turned around with a horrified look on their face. It did capture the attention of your co-counselors who were more intrigued at how Dylan would handle the situation when the kid accidentally wiped it on him.

Looking at Nick who gave you a small smile and a wink, and you tried to hide your laugh. 

Mr. Hackett suddenly called upon his campers for the next activity. You were standing behind Nick, ready to walk with him. While he distracted your co-counselors from even talking to you.

You weren’t ready to answer their questions. Maybe a little bit more time and then you’ll be back to your old self. You just need a little bit more time to collect yourself once more.

Before you could follow them, Laura had gently dragged you to the back of the pack. Worry was written in her the crease of her forehead, looking at you intently.

“Hey, do you want to talk about it?” She softly said. Nick turned around to look at you once more when he realized that you weren’t by his side. You smiled reassuringly at him ‘Don’t worry I could handle it’

“Oh, I’m now okay.”

“You don’t look fine; I can see you’ve been crying.”

“My father called… it’s about my Cornell’s acceptance letter.”

For a minute of silence, Laura was still processing the details. Suddenly you can see the shift of thinking to excitement. She hugged you tightly, and you accepted it. This was the most affection you had received in a day, and you almost melted once again.

“You did it! I’m so proud of you.” She let go of you, grabbing your shoulders. 

“I did it Laura.” You softly said.

But your friend knew, something was bothering you and that you don’t look too ecstatic. The tone of your voice was your tell-tale that things aren’t fine at all. You were considering not saying it to Laura, but she deserves to know. She had been nothing but supportive of you.

“He doesn’t want you to take it, doesn’t he?” Laura asked and you nodded. Gulping down a large lump in your throat, you had already cried enough, but it still stings. It still hurts to see you get your dreams crushed.

“I’m sorry.” Laura said, not really knowing what to say next. But only she hugged you tightly and exhaled deeply. You have already accepted your fate.

But you smiled, not the one that reaches your ears, a tight-lipped smile, like it was forced out of you. “You don’t have to apologize for anything, I should never been silly and selfish.”

“No, you’re not.”

She looked at you sadly. But before she could continue what she was saying you walked towards the campers, avoiding her stare.

Laura was left watching you go; you weren’t fine at all. You were hiding, running away once more. Trying to hide your pain in smiles, distracting yourself to numb you from the pain. There stood not a person, but a mere reflection of you acting like everything was just okay.

When Nick realized that you had gone to your campers, talking with them in smiles that couldn’t seem right to him. He frowned, not even realizing Laura had situated herself beside him. You were far away from their conversation, too busy trying to distract and occupy yourself with the task at hand to even hear their conversation or see that they were talking together.

“She’s pretending.” Laura whispered, and Nick nodded.

“Did she tell you what the call was about?” Nick asked, looking at the small blonde beside him. Laura shook her head no.

“No, but I could make enough conclusions to know that she wants to go to Cornell.” Laura commented, arms folded across her chest.

“But she couldn’t.” Nick added. “Could we do something?”

“I don’t think we can. We can’t just change a man’s iron will and he is a difficult person, her words not mine. The decision lies with her, whether she wants to go or not.” Laura concluded.

“Maybe we can convince her? It wouldn’t be hard right?” It almost looked like Nick was grasping at straws, and yet he remained positive. Always thinking about the bright side to making you happy, remembering your talk with him.

‘Oh, I hope whatever course you end up in you’d be happy.’

‘I hope so too.’

It was clear as day, you were happy talking about insects and teaching about them. He could see the fire in your eyes, the genuine happiness you felt whenever you got something to add to your collection. Nick isn’t blind, you were happy here. You were content and he could drown himself in the euphoric sound of your voice, talking about something you truly love.

Even if Nick is afraid of spiders, he would face his fears just to hear you ramble about them. He could tolerate being surrounded by bugs if it meant being close to you. He would be fine with scrolling through hundreds of cookbooks just to teach you every meal and recipe if it meant spending every second with you. He would be okay tasting your cooked meals (they weren’t good, but he would never say that to you out loud) if it means he would be here for those sweet moments. He would be fine walking in the dark towards your respective cabins if it meant you’d be beside him. Hell, he was more than okay washing the dishes as long as it is with you, whether you work in chatter or in silence. He likes it. He loves it. It was those moments, those sweet and intimate moments that are worth loving you for.

At first, he didn’t realize the kind of hold your father had in your life, you had played it with vague sentences and downplaying it all the time. But when you cried in his arms earlier, then Nick truly understood it finally. The weight on your shoulders, the responsibility that you had to carry and live up to your name, and how much it is burdening you. How you wanted to take control of your life, only for it to be snatched away. Nick had heard how heartbroken you sounded, and how hard you tried to put your broken pieces back together.

“I mean… it wouldn’t hurt to try….” Laura pondered “She listens to you Nick, try it and we’ll see.”

With Laura’s advice, Nick was left with one thing in his mind. He would try his damn best to change your mind, to make you realize you can take a hold of your life once again.

He knew you were a tough person to crack, a closed book hidden with chains and locks. He’d talk to you, stare at your eyes like he had done earlier, make you listen. And if it meant to see you smile, one that makes your eyes crinkle in delight, he would crawl to the end just for him to see it again.

You, unknowingly standing there chatting with Jacob, oblivious with the talk your two close friends had in the span of minutes you were gone. You had only seen a split second of their serious talk, but decided to preoccupy yourself elsewhere after all the best medicine for your pain is distraction. 

The kids were a good distraction, they didn’t notice the red puffy eyes you had or that you had spent yourself playing with them. It was a sorrowful experience to see the childlike innocence that gathered in their eyes, and you were once a child, you had dreams. 

Dreams where your mother was well and alive.

Dreams that consisted of staying together with your mother, not with your father. 

Dreams where you spent your afternoon together catching butterflies in her garden, drinking the same iced cold juice she likes to make.

Dreams of graduating with her beside you, smiling proudly. 

But you had to grow up, this is real life and most of the time, real life hurts a little too much. Too much you couldn’t handle and hold it in your small fragile hands, hands that were once a child. 

“Are you listening?” Emma waved a hand over your face, a worried knot on her eyebrows. You hummed for her to repeat the questions.

“You look so out of it? Are you okay? Did Dylan hand you one of his joints again?” Plastering a smile, you shook your head no.

“Honestly, I’m just so tired.” Exhaling deeply, you didn’t even realize the underlying meaning of your words. Emma frowned, worried that you might be sick again. 

“Maybe you can sit this one out, I’ll distract them, after all I’m great at being the center of attention around here.” She reassured you with a pat, and you shook your head no. You couldn’t deal being left alone with your thoughts; you were scared. 

“I think I’ll be fine. Thanks.” This time when you walked away, in the corner of your eye, you had seen Emma frowning and crossing her arms across her chest. Clearly, she had seen your act, of course, the theater girl would know what is acting and is genuine.

This time, you tried your best to avoid Nick, Laura, and Emma’s worried glances, if Kaitlyn or Abi noticed your behavior you’d be doomed. With Abi, being too kind, she’d try her best to cheer you up and Kaitlyn’s strong intuition would let you just take the rest of the day off. You didn’t want them to question you anymore, so you approached one counselor who’d probably distract their eyes off of you with their loudmouth.

Dylan wouldn’t notice, right? And besides, you could deflect him easily if he caught a whiff that something is up. Right? 

“How are you, booger counselor?” You teased, and he immediately turned around to meet you with a horrified look on his face. Recalling a certain event earlier.

“Just because you have a nice nickname, doesn’t mean you get to call me ugly ones.” He pointed out. “But I’m fine since you asked nicely, I’m clean, Ryan helped me.”

“I’m sure he did.” You teased, trying to avoid the glance from your worried friends halfway across the camp, which Dylan didn’t fail to notice by the way. You were side-stepping to place yourself directly in front of him, avoiding the glances of Nick and Laura.

“Are you up to something, ‘cause if you are I am so not ready to face your dragon that guards your castle.” Dylan raised an eyebrow. You almost choked on your own spit, were you really that obvious?

“No… I just like the shade here. Nicely placed shade. Also, what do you mean by a dragon? Who the fuck is the dragon?” Trying to distract him from questioning you.

“Hmmm, I’m sure you do.” He repeated your tone earlier. “Your dragon, the one who had buried Jacob 6-feet on the ground earlier during tug-of-war.”

You were confused, dragon… and tug-of-war, did he mean Nick?

“You mean Nick?”

“Yeah, your boyfriend.”

“We’re not together.”

“And I’m not the best-looking counselor here. Stop spitting lies, didn’t Nick ask you out already? He said he’d do it by lunch earlier.” With a roll of his eyes, you both stood there for a second. Processing his words.

“What?”

“What?”

With the look of confusion on your face and you not saying anything back, Dylan then concluded that Nick hadn’t done it yet.

“Oops?” He looked horrified. Darting his eyes between you and Nick. Then he ran away, leaving you alone with your thoughts. Only this time it wasn’t with negative connotations. Even a mile away, everyone could see your face light up bright red, not in anger but flustered.

Now that 78% chance that Nick likes you back just jumped to a hundred. Another positive thing happening in your day. Your day turned a complete 180 degrees with Dylan’s revelation.

In the distance, Nick had been watching you, worried that your mood would turn sour, but in the back of his mind a gnawing thought had been bugging him. Something along the lines of Dylan, not so great secret keeper, and you. When you ran away, Nick had followed you.

Nick had called your name, and you turned around quickly stopping right in front of him. Your face was flushed red as you looked anywhere but at him. Nick’s heart was jumping out of his chest, with Laura’s advice earlier he felt like he could persuade you. Seeing you happy was the top of his priorities and if Cornell was the university made for you then so be it. He’d convince you if it is the last thing he’d do.

“I need to say something…” Both of you said at the same time. 

“You go first.” You told him.

With a deep breath, the next words he blurted you didn’t expect. “Fuck your dad’s expectation.”

“Fuck him, you were happy with Cornell so take it. I’ve never seen someone as passionate as you talkabout insects, and those weren’t meaningless activities. Go for it, I know first-hand how hard it is to find something you’d excel at but you… this is your calling. This is you. I don’t want to see you waste your life from something that is never going to make you happy, don’t tolerate it please. I know how hard-headed you are sometimes, and how you go to these intense rambling when you find another insect for your collection. You are happy with taking entomology, that’s why you took an entrance exam because you knew you could do it. This is your calling, so take it please.”

“And I know I’m rambling when I say this, but you deserve it—” 

You caught him off with a press of your lips against his. You held his face with both of your hands, kissing him passionately. At first, Nick was blinking, too shocked but when you felt his shoulders relax, he reciprocated and kissed you back as intently as well. 

“I do deserve it.” You smiled against his lips, leaning your forehead against each other. You didn’t mind that your confession wasn’t as romantic as you planned, or that you were surrounded by nature or possibly the bees that followed you to the lake, it felt right. It felt perfect, so simple, so right. 

“I do deserve to be selfish sometimes, and let me be selfish with you.” You whispered to him. With your hands still holding his face, he gently held your wrist and kissed it softly, looking at you with his brown eyes filled with desire. Sighing everything felt at peace.

“So that’s what has been bugging me. Did Dylan expose my secrets to you?”

“I guess you can say that”

“Nick, I wouldn’t kiss you like this if I hated you. At first, I thought you didn’t like me. I mean, you were always generous. So I wondered if you were interested in me as a girl or something.”

“I’ve been interested in you from the beginning, but I would not lie to your face when I tell you that you scared me a little bit.”

“I don’t bite, but if that’s what you want, I can adapt.”

You teased him as his face went red from the tips of his nose to his ears, he buried his face at the crook of your neck while you laughed. 

With his face buried on your neck to inhale your scent: “Did I ever tell you, I liked the way you smell?”

“No, it's probably the pheromones.” You smiled as he embraced you tightly, feeling he was weaving himself to your body with the way he clings towards you. His hands were making small circles of comfort on your waist, touching where your shirt and jeans meet. You felt feverish with his touch, too drunk with everything about him.

“You smell like home to me.” He uttered as he looked at you intently.

“Why'd you say that?”

“We have Philadelphus planted near our yard…”

“You're the only person to get it right.” You kissed him once more, smiling as you felt at peace around him. “Let’s get out of here.” You whispered and felt him drag you in excitement as well.

— EXTRA —

It was morning the next day when you walked inside the lodge looking as bright as the sun. It seemed like all of your worries were forgotten.

“What are you wearing?” Laura asked.

“A hoodie.” You plainly said.

“It's 90 degrees outside and it's summer, aren't you hot.” Laura was suspicious, too suspicious.

“I have colds.” “No, you don’t, no signs of fever.”

“And you look glowing, not sick. Did you fuck in the kitchen?” She exclaimed, her jaw slack with the revelation when you smiled.

“Why is she wearing a hood?” Jacob asked, grabbing a banana right off its basket.

“Oh ‘cause our favorite counselor just got bit by a large insect we liked to call Nicky!” Dylan's voice boomed. The only sound that could be heard was the large smack of a flying object straight at Dylan’s head.

What an eventful summer indeed. a/n: after 6 months wild child is finally finished..... that was quite a long fic. now i have other duties such as ghost waltz and now im back in univ, but let me tell you i had the longest writer's block (ehem not like the first one where it was 2 years before i had written something). i know it feels like it was rushed but wild child was always supposed to end at chapter nine. i never plan on writing until the events of the game because i feel like it would be repetitive to tell the story once more. but am i happy with this ending, yes i am.

the moral lesson is its okay to put yourself first and that i liked the smell of mock oranges. but if you were curious as to what would happen, our dear reader gets bit first. ready to be the sacrificial lamb, with them being unathletic they’d be the first one down.

[pepi1989]

you’re such a talented writer 🥹 can you write about Ben driving for a road trip with music and snacks and stories with a overnight stop (you can pick whether they sleep in his car or in a motel) and stuff? Thank you!

Road Tripping with Ben

The soft hum of the engine fills the air as you watch the sun start to peek over the horizon. Ben is beside you, hands casually resting on the wheel, wearing that comfy oversized hoodie he always seems to pull off effortlessly. It’s early, too early for you, but he insisted on getting a head start for your spontaneous road trip.

“Morning, sunshine,” he teases, eyes twinkling as you adjust your seatbelt and grumble something unintelligible in response. Ben reaches over to the backseat and grabs a snack. “Thought this would help. Sour candies, your favorite.”

You can’t help but smile. He always remembers the little things. Taking a candy from him, you lean back, the music playing softly through the speakers, his playlist, full of easygoing tunes that set the perfect road trip mood.

The road stretches out in front of you, endless and free, like the day ahead. “So,” Ben begins, glancing over at you, “What’s the craziest road trip story you’ve got?”

You laugh. “Probably not as crazy as yours, Mr. I Travel the World for Tennis.”

He chuckles, shaking his head. “Nah, most of mine involve airports and planes. But I’ll let you in on a secret: I’ve never done a trip like this. Just me, you, the road, and no tournaments.”

You feel a warmth in your chest, realizing how rare moments like this are for him.

Hours pass, and the sun starts dipping below the horizon, painting the sky with shades of pink and purple. You’re mid-story, recounting something ridiculous that happened to you in high school, when you notice Ben sneak a glance at you. He’s been doing that all day, stealing little looks, as if to make sure you’re enjoying this as much as he is.

“Hey,” you nudge him, “Eyes on the road, Shelton.”

He smirks but obeys, keeping his eyes forward. “Can’t help it. I’ve got good company.”

As night falls, the exhaustion from hours of laughing, talking, and sharing snacks starts to catch up with you. You begin to nod off, head leaning against the window. Ben notices, and instead of waking you with words, he gently shakes your leg, a playful grin on his face. “Not yet,” he whispers, “Stay awake with me a little longer.”

You blink your eyes open, giving him a tired smile. “You’re impossible.”

“Yeah, but I’m also driving,” he laughs. “How about we stop for the night? Found this little motel a few miles up. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s cozy.”

You nod, appreciating the thought. When you pull into the motel’s small lot, you can’t help but laugh at the old neon sign flickering above. It’s like something straight out of an indie movie. Ben gets out first, grabbing your bag from the back, ever the gentleman.

Inside the room, you both collapse onto the bed, tired but buzzing from the day. You kick off your shoes and sit cross-legged, watching as Ben unpacks the snacks he stashed for later. “Movie time,” he announces, holding up his phone.

You both snuggle under the motel’s scratchy but surprisingly warm blanket, sharing candy and half-paying attention to whatever show he picked. But it doesn’t matter what’s on; the real entertainment is the laughter you two share over the quirks of the room, like the weirdly bright lamp by the bedside that you keep teasing Ben for.

Before you know it, you’re drifting off again, this time letting the warmth of Ben’s arm wrapped around you lull you to sleep.

The next morning, you wake up to the smell of coffee and the sound of Ben humming some random song from his playlist. He’s leaning against the doorframe, holding two cups of coffee and a bag of croissants he grabbed from the motel lobby. “Room service,” he grins.

You sit up, pulling the blanket around you as you reach for the coffee. “You’re too good at this, you know that?”

Ben shrugs, sitting beside you on the bed, taking a sip of his own cup. “Guess I just like spoiling you.”

The two of you linger in the room a little longer, enjoying the quiet morning before hitting the road again. This time, you’re both more relaxed, the excitement of the unknown ahead and the shared moments behind you settling into something soft and comfortable.

As you’re getting back into the car, you snap a quick selfie, Ben still in his hoodie, you still in that sleepy morning glow. The trip’s not over yet, and you’re already thinking about the next one.

[weirdthoughtsandideas]

I think the weirdest disney channel original movie is "Quints" from 2000. It's often forgotten by people and it barely aired as a re-run.

The story is about a girl that gets quintuplets for siblings. Now, you'd think the story is like "oh she got siblings and now she's jealous over not getting any attention". But no, that's not the story at all.

The girl is like 13 when she gets her siblings, so she's already been an only child enough time that her parents not anymore having time for her is kinda nice for her. And she does not have any resentment for her siblings either, because... well, she's a bit too old to feel resentment over them "stealing" her attention. What instead happens is that she becomes some sort of spokesperson for the quintuplets. Cause her parents, to earn some extra money now that they have six kids, sign up a deal with some diaper company or something and the quintuplets gets to be their models. They get a bunch of free stuff, also because quintuplets itself is really rare, the media likes to come to their house and make reports about it. But the girl gets annoyed over the fact that they keep treating her five siblings as if they are one unit, rather than 5 individuals. She's like "STOP JUST REFERRING THEM AS 'THE QUINTUPLETS', THEY HAVE NAMES!!" Like, she goes around switching their cribs just to see if their parents can tell. She uses the babies as models for her art, and then she puts out these illustrations of baby heads in the school art show.

Speaking of art: She has the creepiest art teacher that always have such strange comments and I felt so uncomfortable every time he opened his mouth. She also has a friend who has neglectful parents and that is never resolved. Like, is he ok?? I got quite concerned with him.

Also the girl's parents win "parents of the year" or something and when they go, they ask why they didn't bring the quintuplets (because they wanted a bunch of screaming babies at a fancy gala??????) so the girl and her two friends have to carry all 5 of them in baby carriers taking the subway to the city hall.

This movie is on D+. Watch it if you can. It's... an experience.

[wanou-dorm]

NRC OC - Amais  Van  Hartmann

Template by (@nyxs-sins)

School: Night Raven college 

Terrorvania(@terrovaniadorm) 

Full Name: Amais  Van  Hartmann

Twisted From : Koishi Komeiji for Touhou / Koishi Komeiji ‘s heartthrobing Adventure 

Name origin- Hartmann’s Yokai Girl  Koishi’s Boss theme - Which Is in its self a Reference to psychology 

Grade/Class:

 1-E

Birthday: 5/14 (Taurus )

Age: 17

Height:  165cm  / 5’5

Dominant Hand: Right

Homeland: Onigashima/Isle Of Lament

Club: Science Club 

Best Subject: Conjuration

Hobbies: Watching Kaiju movies , Fishing , Drawing , Pranks, 

Pet Peeves: His Mind Reading abilities , Kororo no Hyakko

Favorite Food: Fish, Sweets

Least Favorite Food: edible Insects and Bugs

Talent: Popping up out of  Nowhere , intelligence , Creeping people out without intenting to, Creeping people with the Intention to Creep them out , Can seemingly Draw very good Depiction of people as Kaiju , Pranks 

Unique Magic- Last Remote

allows Amais To manipulate Subconscious by Closing his Third Eye ,However Hartmann loses the ability use his Conscious Mind  losing any motives or Active Thoughts until he opens it back up . Meaning his Actions are controlled by the Unconscious.

Amais Regresses to a more Childlike State that does what ever seems Right , leading to him doing Ilogcial and embarrassing things because it Feels Right.

People are unable to perceive Amais’ existence, Even if he’s Right in front him  until he Wants them too .

The Main Thing Is that Amais  can do make people see what He desires  and Make them confront their biggest weakness ,Greatest Fears , Deepest Regrets, Biggest  Dream or Painful Memory 

———

Character Summary (Backstory) 

Amais is a Weird Kid , He’s Smart though he’s abit too Curious about everything, Generally  Free spirited , He has a Sense of Whimsy and Fanciful air About him. Amais should be hard to not Recognize but, Second years often Say he Just appears in front of him and Unlike Shu who’s Prescence could be Spotted by Having a Keen  ear and Eye , Amais seems to lack a Presence .

Amais seems to Dislike his involuntary Mind reading ability as He and His brother were Disliked by Many for this reason .Even now in  NRC a lot of Students. Avoid him since alot of them are Troublemakers and don’t want to be Told on.  Amais Actually finds the Process of Mind reading Exhausting and Depressing .

Amais is Kinda Smug and Mischievous liking to join anything that looks “Fun” and is more Zany than you Think even when his Eye isn’t closed .

However Amais is a Friendly kid as long as you don’t  make him Mad cause he is deceptively strong . He often liken himself to a imaginary friend . 

Triva/ Desgin thought 

Just like in KKHTA , Those Tendrils are actually Tentacles he can Freely move around.

Fishing thing is also a KKHTA as all the Fucked up stuff that happened started because Koishi needed a Fishing rod .

The Interest in Kaiju is also a KKHTA reference but that gets into big Spoiler Territory  but it Sad when Especially when You know these Characters didn’t Deserve their  Fate especially Yukari , Reimu/Marisa and Flandre .

I forgot that Koishi In KKHTA had Grey Hair . 

Also Forgot to  include the Torn up Black cloth on Terrovania’s Uniform It’s Supposed to be a bow on his Back.  

 Satori  in Japanese mythology are strange, intelligent ape-men found in the mountains of Gifu prefecture. They appear to travelers on mountain roads, or folks living in mountain huts far from civilization. Satori have the uncanny ability to read people’s minds and speak their thoughts faster than the people can get the words out themselves. They also tend to eat People .

Koishi Has been used in a lot of Darker Fan Works in Touhou due her Backstory of Closing her Third  Eye in a Desperate Attempt at being accepted as a Satori  but In turn made basically Got Rid of her conscious Thought to be run by the Unconscious. And can only Remembered and See normally by Children who will forget her . So Koishi had Horror potential.

Amais’s Birthday  is Called Koishi Day by the Japanese Fanbase ,Due to the similarity of sounds for "5, 1, 4" in Japanese, which makes "Ko-I-Shi," Japanese fans haves May 14  Koishi Day.

Amais’s Art Is describe as Cartoonishly Crude yet has a appealing quality as  KKHTA ,has  Recognizable art style that Shifts drastically .

Vil Didn’t like How he was Drawn as a Kaiju as “ He looked like a Decrepit ugly old man  . “ Amais then Responsed with “ But You were an old  man  once I saw you with Malleus“

 He Seems Familiar with Many people who don’t recognize him.

He Has A Brother based on Satori 

Mr. hat stays on his head.

Voice Claim : Ramuda Amemura

Theme song 

Hartmann’s Yokai Girl  Boy

[nameless-and-joymaking]

advice for someone from another country visiting new york for the first time for like 2weeks?

ahh honored that you would ask my advice!

General/boring advice: be prepared for Weather (carry a sweatshirt and an umbrella bc the ones they sell on the street are shit, carry a handfan bc the trains aren't always air conditioned), avoid the G and L trains wherever possible, and the 1 train on the weekends, be alert but don't be afraid, pay attention to subway announcements and read the subway maps carefully (ppl will know you're a tourist if you're glued to the map inside the train car but who cares), avoid times square if you can help it, walk fast if you're in midtown everyone will be grateful, dont smile at strangers except old ladies and babies, thank your bus driver. Follow @got2gonyc on insta bc they have a map of public bathrooms that is VITAL (my personal favorite public bathroom in nyc is inside the shops at columbus circle.)

NOW for fun stuff/ Grand List of Recommendations. im going to split this into sections and go into WAY too much depth. im also assuming you're staying in manhattan but going to provide recs throughout the boroughs

Culture

if you have some money to burn, definitely see some theatre. If you like musicals, Kimberly Akimbo has $40 rush tickets (meaning if you show up at the box office right when it opens you can get cheap seats), Parade has $45 rush (if you're going to the city before it closes).

see a film at the Metrograph or Film Forum (metrograph has uncomfy seats tbh but always shows great stuff.) The Angelika is also fine, and Alamo Drafthouse is not NY-specific but it's cool.

go to The Strand! not on a weekend bc it's far too crowded but there are just so. many. books. or go to a community bookstore like Word Up in Washington Heights or Bluestockings downtown (lots of queer and political books)

You gotta do a museum or two. The Museum of the Moving Image in Queens is all about film and if you love movies, it is beyond delightful. You can spend a whole day at the Met just wandering, but if you like an agenda, I really recommend going to the Dutch painting collection in Gallery 964 and checking out my favorite painting I've ever seen up close, as well as the sculpture garden in the American Wing, the Asian Wing, the Islamic Wing, and the Egyptian exhibit (you have to walk through it to get to a bunch of other things anyway). There are some van Goghs there, too, and the costuming exhibit and and and-- ok i'll stop here. The American Museum of Natural History has the ability to make you feel like a kid again if you were into science as a child.

Lots of museums, including El Museo del Barrio, Bronx Museum of Art, and the Museum of Jewish Heritage have days where admission is free. Lot of the galleries in Chelsea are also free every day (including the Gagosian Galleries on West 24th and the Chase Contemporary)

Visit a library! The big one in midtown or a smaller one (Morningside Heights Library by the Columbia campus is nice, I like the Mosholu one in the Bronx as well)

Food

you cannot leave NY without having a good NY bagel. Downtown: Bagel Bob's. Uptown: Pick-A-Bagel. Bronx: Riverdale Bagels (you need a bus to get to this one, or a long walk, but worth it.) Downtown, midtown, and Brooklyn: Russ and Daughter's. any old dollar pizza place is probably great, but if you want to be fancy, go to Luzzo's on the upper east side.

if you eat fish, Astoria Seafood is a MUST. fresh, delicious, no frills, BYOB. easy to get lost on the way there if you don't know Queens, so be careful.

Queens in general is a great place to eat. Most diverse urban community in the world! Mama's Empanadas (right by the Museum of the Moving Image, on Steinway Street) is a strong recommendation there, as well. Hot pot, bubble tea, Greek food, and momos are, as a general rule, very good in Queens.

if you want relatively affordable sushi and sake, Marumi is my go-to in Manhattan.

if you want a bougie brunch or dinner, go to Lido in Harlem. Any Jamaican place in Harlem or buffet-style southern food is likely to be good if you want to be adventurous and just pick one. Pies n Thighs in Brooklyn is also good southern-inspired food if you eat meat.

Tasty Handpulled Noodles in Chinatown (there's one on Doyers and one on 9th ave) is some of the best Chinese food. Chinatown Ice Cream Factory is upsettingly expensive but very delicious.

If you like to cook, go to Kalustyan's in Little India and get yourself some spices. They have more kinds of pepper there than you've ever seen in your life.

there is a sandwich shop in the Bronx i will ONLY tell you about via dm bc i won't have my secret faves revealed in a public forum.

lmk if you want Fancy-fancy recs for food, I can make a whole other post.

Green Spaces/Nature

Wave Hill up in Riverdale is beyond beautiful, and free on Thursdays. A bit of a trek from any trains, buses involved etc, but worth it!!

If you're going with friends or peers, a picnic in Central Park (North Meadow by the 103rd st/CPW entrance is a good spot, also Sheep Meadow or the Great Lawn) or just a walk through the park can be amazing. A little touristy, but who's counting.

The Coney Island Aquarium (whether or not you also go to the amusement park) is really nice. Very far from Manhattan, but easy to find (lots of crowds lots of signs)

I don't know Prospect Park in Brooklyn super well, other than the area right by Ample Hills Creamery-- great ice cream, by the way-- but it's pretty and really huge. On that note, also try The Social in Brooklyn for ice cream and DEFINITELY eat an icee from a cart. Churros from a cart in the subway in particular also always hit.

It is tenuous to call this nature but the Union Square Farmer's Market pops up every Saturday and you can buy really good produce/honey/flowers/booze (also, incidentally, right by a good ice cream place, Van Leeuwen's) ((also incidentally, I'm at the market pretty much every Saturday. idk if meeting a tumblr friend is on your want list but yeah.))

[childoftheyellowsun]

I was setting at a table at this diner in Athens, which quite frankly became my favorite spot since I get the chills for the wooden chairs and the hidden table at the beach.

I became friends with Alex the bartender, he knows where I sit now. He also knows my breakfast everyday except when he sees I'm gleaming, he knows my appetite is good and I want something fancy for the day.

He always said there's just something about you when you take off your hat and show your tanned peeled face with your hair, put it on the table then smile, it's just when you announce a new day for me.

I always say well Alex you know a new sun means we survived and we get a new beginning, he says yes I know that's why people come here, this is why you came here isn't it?

I said yes Alex you got me I'm just tired of waking up everyday to the aftermath of the damage of the world left hanging over my shoulders when I never asked for it.

You left everything behind didn't you? He said

Yes, Alex I decided I no longer want to carry another baggage for the rest of my life, I'm done surviving and competing. Now I live. I replied

But not with what you built? He said.

I know you're curious about my reasons Alex, you can not comprehend the idea that I possibly found everything in the nothingness. Perhaps you can not fathom how I still wear the pride of my burning books and buildings. Little do you know son I wore them before I built any of them. I replied.

Are you happy now? He said

I smiled then finished my cigarette and put it in the sand then opened my notebook and picked up the pen and I was about to write something when I accidently looked up at the table in front of me to the left.

A mother with two kids. I smiled at her, she smiled back. She was beautiful. Golden short hair. A green dress.

_____________________________

I overheard her at the bar later talking to another mom " you thought it would fill you up that you would find it after the first kid but then you don't, then you have the other and you know it in yourself this time that you never will, you're just stuck with the choices you made."

I took it upon myself to interrupt their conversation: You know you wouldn't have found it in the other choices you know.

They both laughed and asked "how would you know?"

I was never happy. I replied

I was free and I wasn't happy

I had a family and I was never happy

I was surrounded by innocent unconditional love and I knew a kid is not what I wanted

I found true love and I wasn't happy

I had money. That didn't work out either

I saw the world and I felt that I left a different piece of me shattered all over in each corner before the world would even know my mom.

Who am I? I never knew

I had my share of beauty, luck, community, knowledgeI lost and I lost and I lost and I had so much to celebrate..

I looked for answers in all the books and songs and movies and other people's stories.

They filled my head so much with the idea that happiness is the end goal and I was always just a sad woman.

I couldn't let go of that. That in the end if all my efforts were in vein then I have become nothing and I would die ashamed of the lines engraved on my cheeks.

But I always felt something else

Matter of fact a lot of things.

Maybe all things other than happiness

I mean I know what it feels like

Yet it's not even the best of them

Why do they crawl so hard after it?

I gave up and I took a rest

I made up my mind

No more looking for something that I know isn't just out there

I made my peace with it, I will not be happy.

But I will be

Loss

Grief

New beginnings

Sunrises

Courage

Tented windows

Bathroom tiles

Inspiration

Daylight

Sadness

Tears

Air

Fearlessness

Breathe

A mom

A daughter

A sister

A lover

A caregiver

A protector

A fighter

Wild

Free

Music

Dancing

Sunsets

The end

Death

Acceptance

Forgiveness

Tenderness

Peace

Nothingness

Everthing

Feelings

Feelings

Feelings

Revolution

Knowing

Not knowing

God

Sympathy

Empathy

Sunshines

Mercy

The devil

Angels

Books

Universe

Collapses

Birds

What I have become of all the things that made me

The things no one can take away from me

I'm overflowing all the time

And I just can't help it

I'm dripping everywhere I walk

And I can't hold on to all those things

I can barely drag my feet behind me

But you can see it all in my face now

I found that the meaning of everything, the nothings and all that's in between is in the journey

There's no final destination

There is no answer

There is no happy

There is just this

You don't need to have it all

To have lived it all

It's already within

It's living

We knew it

From the beginning

From the moment we were born

Maybe you just didn't have to feel guilty when you took off your shoes and dipped your feet in the sand and took a long breath when the wave touched your toe

Maybe you didn't have to learn anything

Nothing at all

To deserve the ocean

To earn the sun

To love

And to be loved

W IS FOR "WHOLE UNIVERSE WITHIN ME"

Journal Entry No.5 2024

[luxuriousapartment]

How do you balance budget with amenities when choosing an apartment?

Balancing Budget and Amenities in Birla Ojasvi Apartment Hunting

Birla Ojasvi RR Nagar in Bangalore Finding the perfect apartment Like Birla Ojasvi RR Nagar is a delicate dance. You envision a cozy haven, a launchpad for your dreams, but reality often brings budgetary constraints. The siren song of sparkling pools and fitness centers beckons, but whispers of rent checks sing a cautionary tune. Fear not, intrepid Birla Ojasvi RR Nagar apartment hunters! Striking the perfect balance between budget and amenities is achievable with a little planning and creativity.

Know Your Numbers:

Birla Ojasvi RR Nagar: The first step is a brutal dose of reality. Crunch those numbers! Calculate your monthly income, factor in existing expenses, and determine a realistic maximum rent you can comfortably afford. Remember, rent isn’t the only cost. Budget for utilities, internet, and any potential parking fees. A spreadsheet can be your financial compass, guiding you toward Birla Ojasvi RR Nagar apartments that won’t leave your wallet gasping for air.

Prioritize Like a Pro:

Now, let’s prioritize. Make a list of amenities that are non-negotiables for your lifestyle. Is a dishwasher a deal-breaker? Do you crave a pet-friendly haven? Does a fitness center trump in-unit laundry? Prioritize ruthlessly, understanding that each desirable perk comes with a potential price tag.

Think Beyond the Obvious:

Amenities are more than just fancy gyms and rooftop pools. Sometimes, small perks can have a big impact. Consider buildings with bike storage or on-site laundry facilities. These can save you money on gym memberships or laundromats, freeing up funds for other priorities. Proximity to public transportation or essential services like grocery stores can also be valuable amenities, reducing transportation costs and saving you time.

Get Creative with Location:

Location, location, location! It’s the mantra of the real estate world for a reason. Living in a trendy downtown area might offer expensive amenities, but it comes at a premium. Consider venturing out to slightly less trendy neighborhoods. You might find spacious Birla Ojasvi RR Nagar apartments with hidden gems like community gardens or rooftop terraces at a fraction of the cost. Sometimes, a little less buzz can translate to a lot more bang for your buck.

Negotiate Like a Boss:

Don’t be afraid to flex your negotiation muscles! Landlords are often willing to work with qualified tenants. Ask about potential discounts for longer leases or upfront payments. If an amenity is okay for you, inquire about opting out of certain services to lower the rent. Remember, the worst they can say is no, and a confident request might just snag you a sweet deal.

Embrace DIY Magic:

Who needs a fancy gym when you have a YouTube tutorial and some free weights? Embrace your inner MacGyver! Transform your balcony into a mini-zen garden, whip up gourmet meals in your compact kitchen, and host movie nights with friends in your cozy living room. Creativity can turn even the most basic Birla Ojasvi RR Nagar apartment into a haven of comfort and joy.

Remember, It’s a Journey:

Finding the perfect Birla Ojasvi RR Nagar apartment balance is a journey, not a destination. Your needs and priorities might evolve. Be flexible, adaptable, and open to new possibilities. Who knows, that charming little studio with a friendly community might just become your dream home, proving that sometimes, the greatest amenities are found in the little things and the connections we forge along the way.

Bonus Tip: Leverage technology! Many Birla Ojasvi RR Nagar apartment search websites and apps allow you to filter listings based on budget and desired amenities. Utilize these tools to find Birla Ojasvi RR Nagar apartments that tick your boxes without breaking the bank.

So, Birla Ojasvi RR Nagar apartment hunters, fear not! With a little planning, prioritization, and a dash of creativity, you can find your perfect haven, a place where your budget sings in harmony with the amenities that make your life sing. Remember, home is where the heart is, and sometimes, the sweetest symphonies are played on the most unexpected instruments. Happy hunting!

Why do you need to select Birla Ojasvi RR Nagar in Bangalore?

Birla Ojasvi RR Nagar in Bangalore is a testament to a luxurious dwelling in the heart of Bangalore. With number 2 and three-bedroom apartments designed to cater to various preferences, the venture offers a perfect combination of comfort, aesthetics, and present-day facilities. While the price of residing in Birla RR Nagar in Bangalore reflects the top-rate nature of the improvement, the investment potential and the first-rate existence it guarantees make it a compelling preference for the ones seeking to make extended-term funding in Bangalorean’s real property marketplace.

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[lacenvs3000w24]

nature 'n me 💏 (unit 01)

Sanctuary. When I think of my relationship with nature, it’s this word that is enduringly intertwined with the concept. I treasure my relationship with nature because of the absolute sense of belonging that it grants me. It’s easy, I think, to feel insecure in the day-to-day, to constantly feel a need to prove yourself, to prove that you do belong. In this way, being with nature has always offered me an unmatched sense of clarity and calm. Nature Club™ is “no membership required” & “no prior experience needed”.

Of course I belong, because everyone does. In other aspects of life, I think that that sentiment, in an entirely genuine sense, is pretty hard to come by. It’s also so so easy to get caught up in the “me me me” rumination. Getting outside, being in the fresh air surrounded by green, that is where I feel like I can really truly think, and also where I feel like I don’t necessarily need to. The tunnel-vision of my own life opens up, and there is so much more to see and appreciate. Being in nature is being in a place larger than my own life, or than anyone’s - it’s being in the place where everything connects.

Nature feels like family, and it feels like home.

images sourced from Pinterest (left) Photographer: ГОРЮКИНА ИРИНА (AIRIN GORUKINA) (right) Artist: Hannah Eddy

The idea of nature being a sanctuary for me, for my thoughts, goes back to being a kid. In childhood, “going outside” was much less of a deliberate act, I think. Even then (though I maybe didn’t realize it), it was the one place where my mind could run wild and free - where it was entirely up to me to ‘preoccupy’ myself. Really, this just meant being alone with my thoughts, but not in a spooky existential way. Instead, I was free from the constraints of media (TV, internet, even books) and entertaining myself meant dreaming up imaginary and fanciful stories about the twigs, pebbles, and plants around me. I grew up right across from the St. Lawrence River in southeastern Ontario. For as long as I can remember, this was my happy place. It was my own personal taste of wilderness, a place I could feel the breeze coming off the water, where I could sift through the treeline and lose track of time. As a kid, my family didn’t really prioritize typical outdoorsy activities, so this was my own way to seek that out. This is where Mother Nature and I signed our BFF contract.

image (without text) sourced from https://www.brego.net/lord-of-the-rings/horses/horses-of-rohan/

So yeah, nature does give me perspectives that feel impossible to access through screens and pages. Still, I think these forms media are actually what really sparked our friendship. Little me did everything possible to convince herself that no, she’s not riding her bike on a path in the treeline, she’s actually Legolas on horseback, halfway through an epic journey in Middle Earth. Lord of the Rings and other fantasy movies and novels had all the elements of wondering about and appreciating nature. Even now, that childhood magic still trickles in here and there during hikes, ski trips, and time spent in the sun. Later on, more realistic depictions of nature had me hooked. I remember watching “Gorillas in the Mist”, a fictional telling of Diane Fossey’s story, in my grade 10 science class. The thought of being immersed in a rainforest for weeks on end was one I couldn’t (and wouldn’t) shake. Then came my discovery of Jane Goodall's work and David Attenborough-narrated nature documentaries. I’m now a fourth year zoology student, and in the spirit of full disclosure, I have to admit that all of those played a huge role in my choosing this major. As I said, my family wasn’t huge on raising a bunch of little naturalists, so I honestly think I have these forms of media to thank in giving me my sense of place and sparking a lifelong interest in the wonder of the natural world.

image sourced from https://www.britannica.com/biography/Dian-Fossey

These days, somewhat unfortunately, I think making time to get outside has to be more intentional. The responsibilities pile up, we get busy, and all of a sudden we’ve spent the better part of a week cooped up in classrooms, libraries, and apartment rooms. Nature and me are like long-distance best friends sometimes. Even though I haven’t visited home for too long, I know she’ll welcome me back, and the love will still be there 💚

[lorangechim]

The one about a party and a stolen kiss.

Summary: In which you have a massive crush on your best friend Johnny, he gets a little drunk and a little jealous.

Words: 2,089

Genre: Fluff, my trademark.

WARNINGS: None, just pure fluff. Maybe drinking ? It’s a tiny mention but, still. Oh! The ending is kinda ambiguous so, take that into account lol.

AN: Hello! This is my second attempt at uploading a fanfic here on tumblr lol, I posted this same oneshot on AO3 a few months back and I’ve decided to bring it to tumblr too. Hope you enjoy it, leave a like or comment!.

--

The cold air blew strongly hitting my already red cheeks. A few meters away someone stumbled on a plastic red cup and it made an ugly scratchy sound that was soon swallowed by the strong bass coming from the big black speaker on the floor.

I curled in on myself on the chair I was sitting on, in an attempt to warm up a little, holding my best friend’s beer bottle to my chest, almost hugging it and stuck my free hand inside my coat’s pocket.

Johnny will have to endure endless movie nights watching the 2005 adaptation of Pride and Prejudice over and over for dragging me out to yet another one of his friends’ parties in this cold ass weather.

My fingers are numb from the cold liquid inside the bottle and I’m pretty sure my nails will be purple by the time Johnny finally comes back and takes this wretched bottle from my hand. Why does he even like beer anyways? It tastes horribly and smells even worse.

Just as I’m scowling at the bottle and wondering just what the hell took Johnny so long, a flash of movement catches my eye and I see his head peeking above a group of people hanging around near the table filled with chips and various bottles of alcohol. Only when he was a couple steps away did I notice the paper cup covered almost entirely by his hand.

“Here” he said, holding the cup in front of my face

Quickly, I pulled my hand out of my pocket and took it from him, noticing how much bigger it looked now that I was holding it.

I looked up to look at him, “What?”

“It’s tea, I could see your teeth chattering from over there and asked Mark if I could steal some his roommate's fancy infusions”

The fluttery feeling in my chest made me smile and in a poor attempt to ignore it, I dramatically cried out to my best friend “Johnny, you life saver!” Pushing the beer to his chest.

Laughing, he quickly grabbed it brushing his knuckles against my own and sat on the empty plastic chair beside me. The flutter returned tenfold and before my thoughts wandered too far from reality, wondering if he also felt the same sensation his fingers left behind on mine from that single fleeting touch a moment ago. I raised my hand up to his face and pressed my still tingly, and very cold fingers to his cheek.

“Look, I can’t feel my fingers” I smiled teasingly.

He jumped up at the feeling “Holy shit!” He said, eyes opened wide and looking straight into yours.

You lowered your hand, laughing at his reaction. “You took your sweet time out there and I almost lost my hand to frostbite!”, I cried out. Johnny threw his head back and joined my quiet laughing.

He took a sip from the glass bottle he was now holding and with his free hand he reached out and took mine. The contrast between his big warm hand and my small frozen one brought a shiver down my spine and I happily welcomed the warmth he provided and allowed myself to enjoy the butterflies his touch awakened inside my stomach if only for a little while.

He placed the bottle on the ground next to his feet and tugged down the sleeve of his hoodie to cover his cold hand and placed it on top of mine sandwiching it.

He started rubbing his covered hand on mine, trying to warm it up “I brought you tea though” he smiled smugly. I rolled my eyes, faking annoyance.

And it was at moments like this that I found it incredibly hard to suppress my harboring feelings for him. When he was so close to me that I could count his eyelashes and his touch was warm on my skin. I felt as if though with one single look at me, he could see it written on my forehead “I HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU”

A loud rumble of laughter snapped me out of my thoughts and I squeezed Johnny’s bare hand, looking up to him and smiling a grateful smile and slipping my hand from between his. My fingers tensed for a second and I grabbed my steaming cup of tea with both hands a little too hard, the liquid almost spilling.

For a second, confusion flashed on Johnny’s eyes, always so perceptive. “Wha-”, but before he could finish his sentence, he was interrupted by a loud “JOHN!” Jaehyun was waving his hand in the air and calling him over to the beer pong table in the center of the patio.

He signaled Jaehyun to wait up and looked back at me, and I knew what he was thinking before he spoke.

"Go, I'll be fine" he didn't want to leave me alone.

"Are you sure? Mark can play instead of me"

"And have Jae direct murderous glances at me because, and I quote 'I stole his best man'? No thanks" I finished taking a sip of my tea.

He laughed "Ok, I will be quick then" he stood up and started walking to the table.

"Yeah, I'm sure you'll lose in no time!" I screamed after him. He turned around making a hurt face that made me laugh.

However, he was still not satisfied and when he reached the table he brought Taeyong closer by his shoulder whispering something to him. Taeyong's eyes fell on me and he nodded at whatever Johnny was telling him. The guys started to make teams for the beer pong match and Taeyong started to walk over to me.

The green tea warmed me up enough to be comfortable. The night progressed slowly and a thick layer of fog settled over the backyard simultaneous to the way Johnny’s tongue started to slur some of his words and he started making bigger hand gestures when he talked to his friends as he became tipsier with every sip he took from his beer and the drinking games his friends called him out to play.

Taeyong was excitedly telling me about this new fish tank he had started to put together. I was enjoying the excitement and the shine in his eyes as he talked and showed me pictures of it on his phone. I was laughing at the cute names Taeyong gave his crabs when suddenly I felt a thud on my shoulder.

Startled, I turned my head to my right and found Johnny’s head there, almost by instinct, I moved my opposite hand and patted his hair.

“You ok there?” I laughed. I knew he was not drunk, he was the tallest guy I knew and he was able to hold his alcohol very well but I still asked.

He groaned a little nodding, making me and Taeyong laugh. I turned away from him and looked at Taeyong. “I think the rounds of beer pong with Leo caught up to him a little” I smiled.

Taeyong laughed and peeked over to Johnny “Do you want some water dude?"

Johnny's cheek was squished on my shoulder but he still managed to nod.

"Ok, I'll be back"

Taeyong got up and I shouted a quick thanks to him before he walked too far. I was still looking in his direction and smiling when it happened.

The first thing I felt was a soft thud on my cheek and then something wet followed by a smack. It took me a moment and then...

"Did you just kiss me?" I was looking at Johnny with wide eyes, trying (and failing) to hide the smile that threatened to stretch over my face and the shock because ‘what the hell?!’ He was not that drunk... was he?

All he did was laugh and then "Yes". I could not believe what was happening. What was even happening?

"I didn't think you were this drunk" I said jokingly. Smiling over how dumb and sudden that peck was. But I was still searching his eyes for something to tell me what was going on inside his head.

Johnny threw his head back laughing "I'm not drunk!" And then paused before he rushed out "Well, maybe a little but you were making googly eyes at Taeyong looking all pretty with your red nose and you were ignoring me!!"

I let out a chortle "Are you kidding? It's Taeyong! Taeyong who stops on the street to help dogs cross the street without the risk of getting run over. Everyone makes googly eyes at him" I laughed. His words didn't even register fully in my brain.

He frowned at me "Stop laughing!" And that made me laugh harder and louder.

"This is so ridiculous, what are you even saying? Were you jealous or something?" And this time I stopped laughing.

He looked everywhere but at my eyes "And if I was?"

I lifted my arm to hug his shoulders and began cooing "Aww you will always be my best friend John, don't wo-" he turned his head and his face was now so close our noses almost touched.

"Just your friend?" He asked in a serious tone. My head started spinning and I didn't understand what he was asking. Like, I did but at the same time I didn't.

"What?" I asked.

"I like y-" I slapped a hand over his mouth and shut him up.

"Oh no no, you can't be saying these things drunk"

"Mmnt dnk!" He mumbled into my hand with wider eyes, the ones he made when he was annoyed. I ignored him and kept talking over the sounds he was making.

"You won't even remember this tomorrow! And then I will feel like a dumbass for getting my hopes up." I was talking without thinking and only when I stopped talking, my brain caught up with my mouth and I looked at him in horror.

His eyes were wide too, but they faded quickly and a mischievous glint replaced the surprise. He grabbed my wrist to remove the hand that was still covering his mouth so he could start talking, but I pressed it harder.

"No, you are not sober enough for this. Just forget it ok?”

Johnny glared at me, and I could tell he was fed up. He looked down gesturing to my hand, I gave him a pointed look to remind him to drop the subject. He raised his hands in innocence as if to say ‘I won’t talk about it’. So finally, I dropped my hand.

“If I still remember tomorrow, can we talk about it?”

I sighed, feeling my shoulders tense up a little annoyed, mostly at myself since I had already begun to get my hopes up. To dream, to think about what if’s and to wonder what could happen.

From the corner of my eye I could spot a figure in the distance walking in our direction, and I remembered where we were.

“Sure, if you can remember this whole conversation happened, we can talk about it”

He smiled, a little too flirty and a little too smugly, but it was just pure Johnny. I faked annoyance and pretended my heart didn’t flutter. A moment later Taeyong sat back down with us and gave Johnny a cup of water.

For a moment, I stared at my best friend, my crush. Still trying to figure out what was going on inside his head, was I really that dense to not notice he might like me as more than friends? Yes, yes I was. It wouldn’t be the first time I failed to notice someone’s feelings towards me until someone else pointed out the obvious.

I must’ve stared for too long because Johnny caught my eyes, a knowing look crossed his face and the bastard dared to wink. I stifled a laugh and turned away from him, at the boisterous screams coming from the beer pong table.

Tomorrow, I can deal with my feelings tomorrow.

~~~~~

The next morning when I woke up, I stretched my hand to grab my phone.

I opened my messaging app, quickly scanning through the unread messages from friends letting me know they arrived home safely yesterday. But I opened one chatroom, the message from about a half an hour ago.

[Text message]

From Johnny 🦕:

“Wanna have breakfast?” (11:00 am)

“I’ll buy if you promise not to shut me up with your hand over my mouth ;)” (11:03 am)

I took a sharp breath, my mouth suddenly dry.

He remembered.

END.

[yyxgin]

lee felix’s guide to hating you

— ♡ FIC BANNER MADE BY THE AMAZING @chogiwow !!

pairing: lee felix x fem!reader genre: college au, tutor au ; fluff, angst, slice of life, slow burn word count: 21 k warnings: mentions of alcohol, mention of weed, swearing, bad family relationships

a/n: this story is very briefly inspired by jaemin’s drama ‘the way i hate you’ :) also this idea has been in my mind for such a long time, so i’m happy i finally managed to write it. this is also my longest fic so far, i hope it’s worth it. uhh yea enjoy <3

taglist: @feyregels​ @missskzbiased​ @hyunyin​ @koishua​ @crispy-chan​ @rindomo​ @soulssung​ @thatrandomoneinthecorner​ @90shermione​ @chogiwow​ @creatichee​ @freckledberries​ @hyunnies-stars​ 

There’s a list of things Lee Felix knew before applying for college-- and that is: 1) he really, desperately needs a degree for his grandparents to value him as an equal adult, 2) college in young adult movies seems like fun and partying and alcohol really does sound like his wettest dream, 3) he doesn’t need to work for another 4 years, which is fun and 5) he is really, horribly bad at studying.

Here’s a list of things Lee Felix, however, did not know before applying for college, and even though it’s fairly shorter, it hits you in the guts deeper, and that is: 1) studying for college means never ending chapters of insomnia and 2) he is always going to feel like the second choice for everyone. 

You see, girls don’t like Felix that much. Well, that’s a lie-- girls do go after him, tell him he’s cute and his freckles are adorable, but that’s only after they find out there’s no use in chasing after his best friend Han Jisung when he gets himself a new significant other. Boys don’t go after Felix either. Why, you may ask? Read the paragraph over again-- just change the word girls to the word boys. It’s as simple as that. He’s always the second choice, the back-up plan. It feels silly to drag his grandma into this, really, but the truth is, he’s a second choice in every aspect of his life, and that, too, includes his big (and still growing) family that treats him as something less than a human just because of the fact that his grades aren’t as good as his cousin’s are and he doesn’t have a degree in biological science, although he’s too young for that and his college years only started. It’s hard, living in his shoes.

What is Felix, however, really good at? 

Cheating.

Yeah, well, you see-- it’s not funny to be the outcast of the smart Lee family and it’s also not enetaining in the slightest to be the only single one at family gatherings (read as: weddings, because every single one of his relatives decided to fuck up their life with marriage in the past three years for some unknown reason). So Felix does what he’s the best at, and that is going by his favorite life motto: fake it ‘til you make it. 

He cheats on every single one of his exams and believe me when I tell you he’s the top of the class just because he’s the best cheater in town. Good cheating techniques equal good grades and suddenly, Felix’s life seems much brighter when he spends his sleepless nights with creating cheat sheets instead of studying and copying essays written in korean, translating them to english and submitting them as his own because no one will ever notice-- his degree is within the reach of his hand and he can already feel all the grandmas of the family clapping in joy, maybe even wiping away a stray tear on his graduation ceremony in a few years with bouquets of flowers in their hands and expensive watches in their gift bags, ready to welcome him back into the family.. 

What he doesn’t expect, though, is the cute little saying of ‘every lie has short legs’ he swears he heard sometimes in his linguistic class before, coming to life right in front of his eyes as the professor of his Biology class makes him the assigned tutor of the sweet Y/N Y/L/N, because, well, he clearly doesn’t know anything-- what’s he supposed to tutor now? 

The best cheating techniques?

The freckled boy sitting in front of you looks at you with furrowed brows and you wonder what’s the matter with him. Is there something on your face? Are you not dressed appropriately for the occasion? I mean, it’s only a tutoring session, so you didn’t put that much effort into it, but judging from the casual outfit enveloping his body, he didn’t really try to look fancy either. So what was it with him that made him stare you down as if you had horns on your head?

“Shall we start?” he asks once he’s done staring, voice sounding determined. You wonder if he sees the hints of nervousness on your face and if he notices the way you shrink in your seat in the mention of biology, but you guess he doesn’t know you that well to know that you fear the subject as much as you fear dying. 

“Yeah, sure,” you nod, scooting closer to the edge of your seat so you’re not so far away from the table. Felix-- your new biology tutor-- is sitting opposite of you and it’s quite difficult to read the text book once it’s upside down, but you don’t dare to mention it to him for a reason that’s unknown to you as well. It’s like you don’t want to overstep any invisible boundary on your first tutoring session, and telling the person that is teaching you to turn around the text book so you can actually see and learn something seems to be one of the taboos in your eyes. 

You take a quick glance at the waiter that just stopped next to your booth and smile, opening up your mouth to order yourself a meal. “Can I get you anything else?” she asks.

“No-” Felix offers her with a shy smile, but you cut him off with a voice a little higher in the octaves, not wanting your tutor coming in between you and reaching your biggest goal you’ve set for yourself.

“Actually, yes. Could I please get the chicken wings? With fries?” you ask, trying to look as innocent as you can, smiling at her in politeness. You ignore the confused look Lee Felix is offering you from the other side of the table. You mentally send him a signal to tell him to mind his own business, watching the waitress leave with a nod and a polite smile. 

“Okay, now we can start,” you nod at him and focus all your attention to the boy with sandy hair in front of you.

“O...kay?” he answers, obviously trying to bat away his rising confusion, because ordering yourself chicken wings on your tutoring session is prohibited now, apparently. “So,” he starts, sighing and scratching the back of his neck, “what do you not understand from this section?” 

You nervously chew on the bottom of your lip. Well, that’s a sweet question, you think. It would have been much sweeter and much easier to answer, though, if you understood at least a bit from the things you’re supposed to know. You went to university with the urge to prove something to yourself, but the only thing you’re proving to yourself right now is the fact that you are actually kind of useless, when it comes to biology.

“Just like the… whole thing, actually,” you nod, trying not to look as defeated as you feel and also trying not to burst out in a manic laugh as you always do when you feel slightly nervous about anything.

“Cool, cool, yeah,” he nods, taking a deep breath in, turning the textbook around and sighing, “I don’t think I can help you with that.”

“What do you mean you can’t?” you ask, confused. 

Lee Felix is the top of the grade. He is the best at biology, he is the best at chemistry, he is the best at his farmacy class. You’re sure he’ll be a fine biochemist in a few years, when his college times are over. Lee Felix is the smartest boy in your biology class and you are, coincidentally, quite the opposite on this spectrum. Which is exactly why your teacher managed to make Felix tutor you in his free time. You weren’t surprised at the fact that the blonde boy agreed to this-- he was quite the sweetheart, really. All the girls in your class fawned upon the way his freckles shined in the sunlight and the way he opened the doors for older professors. He was quite the boy you would want to introduce to your parents. Not quite the one every girl goes after, but the one that you would want to settle down with after your college years are over.

So why is he, the sweet, but also smart boy that agreed to tutor you, now telling you he can’t help you?

“It’s just.. I’m not really good at this section, I mean-”

“Felix, you’re the top of the class. Of course you’re good at this section.” you mumble, gazing deep into his eyes, trying to search for an answer.

“I-” he says and takes a sharp breath in, stopping himself in continuing his train of thought and just opting to shrug, not giving you a proper response either.

You feel like someone just punched you in the gut, and that’s when you realise-- here it is again. Another person that doesn’t believe in you-- another person that needs proving that you really can do it, you just need a little push. You can see it in his eyes that he doesn’t think you’re smart or bright enough to pass the exams, you’re not good enough to get good grades. It’s nothing new to you, but it still haunts you just the same.

“Is it because you know I can’t do it?” you bluntly ask, sighing. 

“No! No, no, I never said that-” he says, almost panicking with the way his hands fly into the air hurriedly, waving them around as if it was meant to calm you down. 

“You’re acting like it, though. I promise I’m not stupid- well, maybe I am, but-”

“You’re not stupid! It’s me! I’m the stupid one here.” he says, effectively silencing you with his words as you stare at him, dumbfounded. He’s joking, right?

“How can you be stupid when you get only the best grades? Felix, if you just don’t want to waste your time here, tell me, but don’t try to hide behind poor excuses.” you roll your eyes, feeling frustrated at the boy’s antics. Does he really think you’re that stupid that you can’t see right through his lies?

“I cheat.”

You blink a few times as if to reset your brain, gazing at him with pure confusion written in your orbs. He cheats? No. That’s a lie. A person as good at biology as Felix can’t cheat. All his exams are on 100% and he never makes any mistakes. He’s the epitome of the smart kid. The little Einstein. The prodigy. There’s no way it’s all cheating.

“No.” you shake your head in disapproval. “Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not lying! Look, I genuinely, really want to help you. I really do. The thing is, though, I don’t know how to study. I make cheat sheets and I use them at every exam and every test, that’s why everyone thinks I’m super smart, but that is really not the case,” he shakes his head, staring into your eyes with his wide open in honesty, wanting you-- no,-- needing you to understand. “I would tutor you if I could, really, but I just don’t know how to,” he sighs finally, acting like he’s just given birth or ran a marathon, exhaustion written all over his face.

“So why did you offer to tutor me, then?” you ask.

He takes a moment for himself to collect his thoughts, before he speaks up again. “Well, I didn’t really want to get caught. You see, I would never turn my back to anyone. Really. So I thought I could at least try to learn something? So I could help you? But I failed, as always, so I’m just coming clean in front of you and you have to promise me you won’t tell anyone.”

The moment the last sentence leaves his mouth, you notice the apparent fear in his eyes, realising that he just shared an information with you that nobody really knows. It’s a secret he’s been hiding and keeping from everyone just to appear as the smartest one-- fooling everyone, including you. You feel even more stupid now, under his gaze. You feel played. You came to the tutoring, hoping to finally get a grip, when all you get is a person that is stepping all over the sandcastle of your fragile dreams, kicking every little piece of sand away with his lies. You know you shouldn’t feel so invested in this. You shouldn’t feel so hurt. But somehow, you still do. 

“So you just told me you are lying to everyone and cheating on tests and you want me to keep it a secret from everyone?” you ask in disbelief.

“Yes.” he nods, eyes hopeful. He’s been lying for the last year as if his life was depending on it and now he wants you to do the same-- keep quiet in front of everyone.

“And what do I do when the professor asks me why I’m not getting any better? Huh? Ever thought of that?” you leash out, harshly chewing on your bottom lip in nerves. “I want to pass. And I want to do it fair and square.” you get out in between your teeth.

“I didn’t… I didn’t think of that yet, but-”

“Leave.” you say, looking him sternly into his eyes.

“What do you mean, leave?”

“I don’t want to talk to you anymore. And you’re clearly not here to teach me anything, so you can just take your things and leave.” you spit out, crossing your hands over your chest.

“You leave, then,” he mutters, looking rather offended. You’re not sure why he’s the one hurt right now, but you guess that’s just how men and their egos are, there’s nothing more under his hurt eyes and shattered self-esteem.

“I ordered food, I’m not leaving.” you calmly respond. Once you say this, you’re reminded of the little quest you made for yourself. Never once did you feel silly for taking it so seriously in front of your other friends, but now, in front of Lee Felix with freckled dusted cheeks, you feel almost invisible as you realise why you even ordered the chicken wings and how you’re going to write a yelp review about them later.

Well, someone has to do it, and if not you, then who will, right? It’s the only valid way to find out who makes the best chicken wings in the town and not even your traitor-tutor is going to stop you now, when your list is only getting shorter and shorter. 

He stares at you for a few moments, dumbfounded, before he sighs and accepts his defeat. “Okay, I’ll just have to text my roommate to pick me up,” he admits.

You nod, just in time the server comes back with your food, offering her a welcoming smile. “Fine. But don’t even think of talking to me from now on. I’m not interested in more lies,” you spit at him, scowling as you take a look at the plate of chicken wings sitting in front of you in their full glory. You sense a very bad review, judging from the way the chicken wings look nothing like wings, rather full on small chickens dipped in oil, but dive in nonetheless. 

“Why do you have to be so dramatic?” he asks, voice coated in disbelief.

“Because I was scammed!” you yell out, mouth full of chicken, not caring a second about the way you might look in the boy’s eyes. Yes, you could have at least swallowed before speaking to him, but did you do it? No. No, you didn’t. 

“Oh come on-”

“Don’t even try arguing with me!” you spit at him-- quite glad that this time, it’s not literal-- and huff out in annoyance, when the door opens and a short boy with a bucket hat on steps into the bistro, the red fabric of the seats of the booths contrasting with his shoes in a way that makes you feel captivated, your eyes refusing to tear themselves away from him. 

The boy is taking quick steps to your booth and you almost choke on your chicken wings as you admire his full glory-- tanned skin and car keys in his hand, but his eyes meet the boy sitting opposite of you and that’s when everything clicks. This is not the boy of your dreams, this is Han Jisung. Your tutor’s best friend and roommate-- also known as the resident heartbreaker. You shouldn’t feel weak in your knees when you look at him, but that’s exactly what happens and you won’t feel ashamed about it. Well, not now, at least. In a few hours when you’re lying in your bed? Maybe. But I’ll tell you then.

“Yo, dude, I texted you like five minutes ago that I’m waiting for you outside, what are you still doing here?” he asks, furrowing his brows at his roommate and slowly moving his eyes to you, scanning you up and down, leaving your heart to do the stupid cartwheel you haven’t felt since, like, middle school. 

“We were in the middle of an argument, so I didn’t hear my phone ring.” Felix answers, glaring at you with spiteful eyes. You almost prepare to kill him with yours, but you focus on wiping the oil from the corner of your mouth and smiling heavenly, trying to look like a lady in front of your new visitor.

“Was Felix being absolutely unbearable again?” he asks you, surprising you with his subtle way of engaging you into the conversation.

You giggle, rolling your eyes slightly. “Yeah. You know him too well, don’t you?”

“Unfortunately,” he admits, looking defeated, when he moves his eyes to Felix, looking rather sulky on the red seat in front of you as you chat with his roommate, when Jisung’s tone of voice changes into a more worried one, speaking up again, “does she… did you…?”

“Yeah,” Felix just nods. 

Jisung sighs, sitting down next to his roommate, pushing him a little so he has more space in the booth. “What are you supposed to tutor her anyway?” he asks.

“Biology,” you mumble sooner than Felix gets the chance to speak up, motioning to the textbook still sitting at the table in front of you. 

The boy takes a look at the papers, his face changing from a focused one to a one more lighter, his eyes scanning the papers with ease. You notice his mouth moving a little as he reads the words under his breath, catching yourself from staring when you feel Felix’s eyes burning into the crown of your head, snapping you back to reality. 

“You know… maybe I could help you with that.” he says, looking like a business offering you a deal that you’re sure involves something illegal. He looks like a focused squirrel with his cheeks puffed out a little in what you sense is pride, something in his eyes glowing as you nervously chew on your bottom lip.

“Really?”

“Yeah, of course. I’m actually quite good at biology, to be honest. Well, not as much as Felix over here-” he jokes, scowling when the blonde boy punches his arm, “but I think I could tutor you a thing or two.”

“What’s the catch?” you ask, nervously watching him. Something in his composure is telling you he’ll want something in return, but you don’t know what yet. You’re quite sure you’ll sell your soul for the adorable boy in front of you if he asked you to, but it never hurts to ask beforehand, right? 

“What do you mean, what’s the catch?”

“Like… what do you want in return?” you muse out, taking a bite of a fry, noticing how soggy it feels under your teeth.

“Woah, you spend 15 minutes with Felix and you already think there’s something illegal behind everything? I’ll let you know, I’m better than that.” he scoffs. “I’m just doing it because I see how miserable you are. And I also don’t want you to tell on my buddie over here.” he adds, smiling warmly.

You take notice of the way Felix’s eyes grow twice their size and how Jisung’s knee lightly bumps into his under the table. It’s subtle, but you think that maybe this is when you fully fell for the short boy in front of you-- when he offered to save his best friend’s ass by helping out a lost girl with biology. And who are you to say no now? I mean, you need the tutoring nonetheless. Who cares if the boy tutoring you is someone else? Maybe it’s even more appealing to you this way, but you’ll never admit that out loud.

“Okay then, sure.” you nod, grinning from ear to ear, feeling satisfied.

“Great. Now, give me half the fries and we can arrange our next tutoring session,” he smiles, “oh, and I’m Han Jisung, by the way.”

He winks. 

You should be disturbed, but strangely, you’re not. You grin back at him, offering him the soggy fries you’re sure you’re going to give a really bad review in the evening, watching his composure change into a more laid-back one, engaging you in a conversation and slunging an arm around his best friend’s shoulders.

Lee Felix remains silent. He feels it once again-- he feels the loneliness of being left out. 

And he’s sure it won’t be the last time.

Lee Felix knows damn well how it feels to be the third wheel. He’s hung out with Jisung and his potential love interests multiple times, he’s even been on double dates with the said male, yet, he always somehow ends up being left out. So why does it still feel the same? Why does he still feel that restless feeling in his stomach, the emptiness in his chest, just like the first time? I guess you never get used to some things and emotions are one of them. No matter how much you argue that you know a feeling so well it doesn’t even surprise you anymore, it still hurts the same. That’s funny about emotions. Sometimes, they can’t even make you numb.

“Hurry up dude, the bistro closes in an hour and half!” Jisung rushes the taller male (not tall, just taller. Don’t misunderstand.) with his car keys in his hand, twirling them around his fingers in a nervous manner. Felix notices his roommate has put some effort into his outfit today, considering the lemon supreme shirt enveloping his body that he saves only for special occasions, yet, Felix doesn’t realise why he had to put it on when they’re literally just going out to eat some soggy fries in the bistro close to their house. He doesn’t ask, though. He doesn’t want the car key stuck in his forehead. He also doesn’t know why they have to rush so much, since they have an hour and half left before they close, but again, he doesn’t dare to say it out loud. 

Felix quickly puts his shoes on and rolls his eyes at his roommate. “I’m ready,” he announces.

Jisung swiftly takes a bottle of cologne from the table in their small hall (it’s so small they don’t even have a mirror in it, because there was no use in taking mirror selfies when all you can see on the picture is your phone case due to the fact that the room is too narrow for you to move further away) and sprays his body wit hit, efficiently confusing his roommate. “You wanna smell great for the waiter there? Because from what I remember, he was a stoner-”

“Oh, shut up. You never know when you’re gonna meet someone cute, am I right?” he asks, grinning from ear to ear like a cat, taking his backpack with him and opening the front door, “gotta look and smell presentable at all times.”

Felix wonders if this is why everyone always goes after his best friend. 

No, he thinks, it cannot be the cloud of cologne hanging around his body. It’s heavy and it makes Felix cough a little, but he tries to mask it, because he’s fairly sure Jisung won’t pay for his fries today if he doesn’t. And Felix is a simple man-- if he can get something for free, he will do anything to achieve it.

They arrive at the place in a few minutes and Felix can already feel his mouth watering at the thought of the salty fries and cheeseburger he’s going to get himself, joyfully skipping inside the bistro and waiting in the queue. Jisung follows him, standing next to him, efficiently covering the smell of the oil and all the good things on this earth-- read as fast food-- making Felix scowl. The boy behind the register, is, in fact, Na Jaemin-- the resident frat boy. Felix’s heard all about him from the girls staying at the dorms and to be honest, he’s quite glad he doesn’t have to live the stories of getting caught with weed at Jaemin's party on his own. That, and the fact that hot water runs in his apartment. Na Jemin might have the weed, but he surely doesn’t have that in his college dorm room. 

“Three milkshakes, two large fries, chicken wings and a cheeseburger, please.” Jisung orders, confusing Felix in one sentence. Since when is his best friend a bottomless pot for food? Is he really going to eat all of that?

“Coming right at you. Anything else?” Jaemin asks, voice considerate and polite, still turned on his customer service mode, even though Felix is sure him and Jisung have had shared a joint or two on one of his parties before.

“No, that’s all. Thanks, man,” Jisung answers, leaving with Felix right behind him. 

“Who’s gonna eat all of that? I hope you know you’re paying, and before you protest, yes, I did purposefully leave my wallet at home-” he rambles, still moving, when his train of thought is cut off by a person in his view.

You are sitting there in your full glory, smiling brightly at the boys approaching you. You’re dressed nicely, he notices-- you look like you put some effort into what you’re wearing. You don’t look that much different, but he can still see the slight changes you made to look neat. You’re glowing, Felix notices. You look excited.

“Hi, Y/N,” Jisung greets, taking a seat opposite of you. He doesn’t even give Felix an answer, he doesn’t even give him an explanation. He’s left there only to take a seat next to his roommate after collecting his thoughts, chewing on his bottom lip.

The conversation never moves his way. He is silenced. Felix wonders why he was even invited, watching the people behind the window laughing with their friends, happy to order some tasty food and have fun on this Thursday evening. He watches his friend and his classmate have fun-- well, as much fun as a tutoring session could be. You’re laughing at every single one of Jisung’s jokes and he swears Jisung’s eyes never leave your face, even when he’s explaining something to you. He wonders why Jisung didn’t tell him where they’re going. He wonders why he even had to come.

Lee Felix knows how third-wheeling feels. Yet, it still makes his little foolish heart hurt just the same every time.

You nervously chew on your bottom lip, cracking your knuckles in a habit your friends always scream at you for, waiting for your tutor-- well, he’s not really your tutor anymore-- to appear in the bistro on the other side of the town. You admire the decorations for a while, liking the way it looks modern here and the purple led lights make the whole place look aesthetic. You can already imagine multiple college kids going here and taking instagram pictures to look cool. It’s nice and you’ll definitely include it in your yelp review-- it won’t make it more stars, though, if the chicken wings don’t taste like heaven.

You tug on the sleeves on your hoodie, as if you were trying to make yourself disappear. I mean, you do feel embarrassing. You feel pathetic that it had to come down to this, but you guess desperate times call for desperate solutions. You’re not here to look put-together anymore. You’re going to show him your full glory and although you regret it a little, you still have a little spark of hope in you that Han Jisung-- the boy you, admittedly, were crashing on real hard right now, won’t find out.

Felix comes into the bistro in his full VSCO boy glory, as always. He is wearing a jean jacket and his freckled cheeks are dusted pink, you’d almost think he’s blushing all the time. He doesn’t quite fit the aesthetics of this futuristic looking bistro, you notice. The retro places you’ve been to so far fit him much more-- his sandy hair contrasted well with the yellow walls and red booths. It was starting to get a little repetitive, though, you must admit.

“Hi,” he greets you as he takes his seat, smiling at you with what you can only describe as a feeling of full uncomfort. You wonder what made him feel this way about you, but you don’t dare to think of it twice as you focus on the main quest of the day-- forcing him to teach you his ways.

“Hello,” you smile. 

Felix notices how natural you look-- it feels like now is the first time he’s seeing you in your full glory. You aren’t wearing your neat clothes for a meeting with Jisung and you’re not too casual like you were at your first ‘tutoring session’ either-- you’re just you. The way he doesn’t even see you in classes. He likes the fact that no one else than him can see you like this-- he likes the fact that Jisung is nowhere around, yet, he wonders why is that, exactly, since the two of you seemed to be hitting it off quite well so far.

Felix hasn’t been with Jisung when he last tutored you. He figured there’s no use, he’s going to get ignored all the time anyway. 

“So… what’s the matter?” he asks, folding his hands into his lap. He dares to take a quick look at you, noticing your worn-out shirt and dark circles under your eyes, worry washing over him. Did something happen? Was Jisung a jerk to you? 

“Well, I sort-of have a little problem,” you mumble out, tearing your gaze away from him. You seem shy for the first time in front of him and he wonders why. He doesn’t understand your sudden change of behaviour. This isn’t the you he’s used to. “Well, turns out, I am really stupid.” you propose, leaving Felix to gaze at you in surprise.

He chuckles. You swiftly look up at him with piercing eyes telling him to stop, and he almost does, but your face looks too adorable when it’s scrunched up like that, so he only giggles once more. “You’re not stupid.”

“I am!” you whine out, finally letting your whole shy facade fall, exposing the true you once again right in front of Felix’s eyes-- direct and fierceful. “Even Jisung’s tutoring isn’t helping and I feel so stupid with him! And I don’t want him to think that I’m stupid, even though I am, and I just… I can’t pass my exams like this, so I need your help.” you say, eyes big, looking almost pleading.

“And I am supposed to help… how? Exactly?” The confusion is written all over his face, and it almost makes you frustrated. You knew he must be smart, if his cheating has been so good he’s getting through college with straight As, but really, is he really that smart if he can’t read in between the lines?

“Help me cheat.” you quickly get out, biting down on your lower lip just as you say it, as if you were regretting it.

The silence that overtakes the two of you feels like it’s slowly going to eat you up alive, angrily biting into your skin. It feels heavy and suffocating, your palms sweating as you watch Felix blink at you with mouth agape, breathing in and out. You pray for him to make up his mind soon, or else you’re going to run out of the bistro without a yelp review, tearing the skin of your cuticles as you see him blink quickly a few times before shaking his head in disbelief, clearing his storage.

“You want me to help you cheat?” he asks for clarification, furrowing his brows at you.

“That’s correct.” you nod, chewing on the inside of your cheek. You haven’t been this nervous since you took your college entrance exams, and that shows a lot, considering you used to say that has been the most difficult experience of your life so far.

“Because Jisung…. isn’t tutoring you well enough?” he asks again, making you roll your eyes in annoyance.

“Hey, don’t put the blame on Jisung! I’m just stupid, that’s all.” you say, looking down into your lap, because his gaze suddenly feels like he’s judging you and you really don’t feel like maintaining eye contact with him when you’re under pressure.

“If you don’t stop saying that, I will kick you.”

“You wouldn’t dare-”

“I would and I will-”

“Okay, but is that a yes, then?” you look up at him with hopeful eyes, resembling a puppy just a little too much, and, well, Felix can’t just reject you now, can he?

“I.. guess…?” he says, watching your face light up in joy as you clap a few times in excitement. 

“Great! Can we start today? We have to start today! I brought my text books and papers and sharpies and-” you are cut off by Felix’s face lighting up at the sight of you, his eyes looking warm and admiring. You quickly shake away the excitement before it goes too far and you actually go to hug him or something, taking a deep breath in and out to calm yourself down.

Just in that moment, the server appears with two servings of chicken wings and two large fries, making Felix look at you in confusion. 

“I ordered you food, since I thought we’ll stick around for a while..” you mumble, seeing him eagerly nod and take one fry into his hand, biting down on it with a face full of pleasure. 

“Perfect. Just let me eat a few of these and we can get right into work, I promise,” he mutters with a mouth full of food, prompting you to take a bite yourself. It doesn’t taste the worst-- the bistro you went to after prom last year was definitely worse than this, but still, you don’t think Felix’s face quite resembles how the food tastes. He looks as if the Queen of England made it. In reality, it’s just a soggy fry. 

“Why do you always order the same thing? Aren’t you tired of eating the same thing over and over again?” he asks suddenly, examining your face with real interest. No one’s ever noticed your eating habits before, just shrugging off what you order every single time. Your little fast food experiment has been a secret so far, even though it wasn’t that hard to cover it up-- nobody really cared until now. 

You feel blush creeping on your cheeks as you shrug, feeling a little embarrassed for like the hundredth time today, when you reply to the boy in front of you. You know his secret, so it only feels valid for him to know yours. “I have this experiment… like, I try chicken wings and fries at every single bistro, restaurant and fast food chain in the town to find out which one’s the best…” you mumble, looking into your plate instead of facing him out of the ugly feeling of patheticness creeping up your back.

“Oh, that’s cool!” he exclaims, pointing his fry your direction, a response you didn’t quite expect, “Where do they have the best ones so far?” he asks, genuine interest painting his features.

“Oh,” you get out, feeling your lips unvoliteraly tug into a smile, “I don’t.. I still have a few bistros and the McDonald’s on the highway out of the city left, but I’d say the best ones so far were at Wendy’s. I didn’t quite like the chicken wings there, though, so…”

“Hmm,” he nods, deep in thought, “we just get food at where’s the closest.” he says, munching on a chicken wing. “I guess we could pay a little more attention to the food from now on, because after eating this, I’m never going to eat the food from the bistro right in front of our flat again.”

“Yeah, that bistro’s really awful. I only gave it around 2.5 stars, I think-” you say, before you realise you just spilled out another secret to him, feeling your cheeks heating up. 

“2.5 stars? What, do you write yelp reviews or something?” he asks, clearly amused by your accidental spill-out.

“And what if I do?” you defend yourself, glaring at him with fake annoyance. No man will ever make fun of you because you write yelp reviews. Not Lee Felix, even though he seems too nice to actually make fun of you because of something, not anyone. 

“That’s cool, though! Those help so much when you travel,” he says, eagerly nodding at you with big eyes and an adorable grin plastered on his face, making you feel understood and happy with just the sudden sign of acceptance. Turns out your little weird obsession isn’t as embarrassing as you thought it was. Or Lee Felix really is the sweetest guy walking on this earth. Either one is fine in your books.

You stay there for a few hours and Felix teaches you the basic cheat codes-- never meet the teacher’s eye, never finish your tests too quickly, always forcefully pick the wrong option before scribbling it out and putting in a correct one to not seem too suspicious. He even takes a piece of paper from you and scribbles down the basic cheat-sheet making structure. 

He feels good with you. He feels useful. He knows he shouldn’t be teaching you this, but really, is it really doing any harm? We all have to go through college somehow.

Yet, all evenings always end the same for Felix, with a bad feeling in his gut and a fake smile on his face hiding the true meaning behind his actions. He’ll never be the first choice and you remind him even today, after you leave the ‘tutoring session’ with a quick hug to the male, lowering your voice so only he can hear when you pay him your goodbyes.

“Don’t tell Jisung, okay?”

Of course. It’s all because you don’t want to look embarrassing in front of his best friend.

It goes all how you planned it to-- you’re sitting at your next tutoring session with two males in front of you. One of them is your supposed tutor and one of them is a boy that’s helping you pass your exams for real. You’re into one of them, even though you shouldn’t. You wonder how you even ended up in this mess. You swear you were a good student in high school, always submitting your assignments on time and making sure your tests were on 100%. It was kind of fueling your ego, in a way. You had no other plans in your life to hold on to, no dreams to dream, so you reasoned to do the only thing that you were good at-- getting good grades. You had to prove to yourself that there was a reason, a meaning behind your life. You had to prove to yourself that your existence was valid.

You watch Jisung with interest. You pray to god that he doesn’t catch you in your act, because that would surely be embarrassing. You don’t want him to find out that you’re just fine with cheating, because that meant your tutoring sessions with the male would end and there was no other reason for you to see him. You knew Han Jisung wasn’t interested in you. You were sure you’d see it on him if he was. And even then, you weren’t interested in only a short relationship without any good point. You liked Jisung, but you didn’t like his reputation. One week wasn’t long enough for you to waste your time on him and get your heart broken. You weren’t sure if he was a player, or if he just wanted to desperately find the one by trying all the possibilities, but you weren’t going to find out. 

Felix watches you with interest in his eyes-- but you don’t notice. He prays that Jisung doesn’t find out about your secret little ‘tutoring sessions’, because that would mean he wouldn’t have a reason to hang out with you anymore. And Felix really doesn’t want that to happen. For some reason, he doesn’t want you to ever frown. And he’s sure that’s exactly what would happen if Jisung cancelled.

It doesn’t click to him what’s happening inside of his little, foolish heart when he sees you smile at Jisung and his stomach fills with worry. 

It doesn’t click to him what’s happening with him when every time Jisung subtly takes your hand in his makes his insides twitch in frustration. He thinks it’s just because of the fact that he’s third-wheeling again, like all his life, and maybe that is partly true, but it’s not the whole reason behind the cloud around his head.

It clicks only when him and his roommate are back home, sitting at the dinner table with the left-overs from the new bistro you three went to, munching on the chicken wings and another pack of soggy french fries and the cola they had in their fridge.

“So… what do you think about Y/N?” Jisung asks suddenly, making Felix furrow his brows in confusion.

“What should I think? She’s smart, I guess…” he mumbles, mouth full of food, not quite grasping the full meaning of his roommate’s question. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Jisung quickly nods in approval, “she’s getting really good. I mean, you can still see she’s having some troubles when I’m tutoring her, but at least she always gets good grades on tests now,” he says, biting down on another piece of chicken wing. Felix feels a wave of pride wash over him after hearing the words-- of course you’re doing well on exams. It’s all Felix’s doing. You’re a quick learner, when it comes to cheating. 

“Yeah, she’s good,” he says. 

“Well,” Jisung suddenly starts, meaning to sound nonchalantly, but only sounding like he’s determining his biggest life secret in front of his friend instead, “I like her.”

Felix almost chokes on the piece of chicken in his mouth, trying to play it off with a small chuckle. “Oh? You do?”

“Yeah. Should I.. Should I ask her on a date or something?” he asks and Felix swears he can see his friend’s cheeks reddening a little, even though the last time he’s seen Jisung embarrassed was when he accidentally called their Math’s teacher mum in eleventh grade. 

“You don’t date, though,” Felix opposes.

“That’s not true-”

“Two weeks long relationships aren’t relationships, Jisung.” 

“Not my fault they’re never the one! It gets boring after a while, Felix, I can’t just-”

“Why are you even asking me this?” Felix suddenly cuts him off, glaring at him. He doesn’t know why he’s reacting in such a way. It’s not like it’s the first time Jisung is going to date someone for two weeks just to break their heart, it’s not the first time they’re going to run after Felix a week after just so they can still be around the one that broke their heart. This time, though, he does not want to see another heart get broken.

“Jesus, chill, man… I was just asking, since you two seem closer. Did she mention anything about me? Is she dating anyone?” Jisung asks, eyes lighting up.

Felix could be an asshole. He could tell Jisung that you’re already dating someone, he could tell him to back off and that you’re not interested. However, he does not do that. Instead, he does the quite opposite. He pushes his best friend into asking you out, he tells him he should try it, because that’s just the kind of person he is. Besides, he knows you’re into him. Maybe the smile on your face could make him forget about the fact that you’re going to get your heart broken. 

“Sure, go for it.” he shrugs, “I don’t really care anyway.”

“Fine, then-”

“I’m gonna shower.” Felix says, quickly standing up from his chair and moving to the bathroom, quickly escaping the conversation.

Only then he realises what he feeling in his gut means, only then he notices the way his sigh feels like the weight of the world is sitting on his shoulders and he can’t breathe any time you’re around Han Jisung. 

He realises he likes you. 

And clearly, you don’t like him back.

Emotions are something you never quite get used to. Even the emotion of feeling rejection, the emotion of always being behind his best friend’s shadow. Lee Felix is always just the friend. Never the love interest. This time, though, it feels even more heavy, because in a way, you seem way more special in his eyes than the people that went after him just to get with his best friend.

This time, he does not want to see another heart get broken. Because it’s your heart we’re talking about.

And to prevent his heart shattering to even more pieces, he has to do something.

He has to stop liking you.

As soon as possible.

“Y/N?” 

“Mhhm?” you ask, raising your eyes up from the cheat sheet you’re creating with Felix’s help, the grease of the fries you’re eating glistening on your chin. You’re with him in a yet another crappy bistro, trying yet another soggy fries, and even though there’s nothing special on you to a stranger’s eye, Felix’s heart can’t help but run twice the speed of light. 

“How do you stop liking someone?” he mumbles, furrowing his brows a little, deep in thought. 

“Oh, do you like someone?” you ask, and Felix momentarily lights up at the thought of you caring if he’s interested in someone, but when his eyes meet yours and he notices them glistening and lightening up in curiosity, he realises it’s just because you’re happy for him. As a good friend should be. 

“No, no,” he quickly shakes his head in disapproval, snickering to himself, “I’m just asking. Because, think, what if, hypothetically, there’s someone who is into someone else. Easy, right? But what if their best friend likes the same person? And you know you shouldn’t like them because they’re into their friend as well? What is there to do at that point?” 

You scan his face for a few seconds, thinking to yourself. “Hmm,” you start, “I guess you have to start hating them. So the feelings disappear.” you nod, satisfied with your answer.

“How’s that possible?” he asks, scoffing.

“Well, I don’t know, since it’s all hypothetical anyway,” you giggle, focusing back on your cheat sheet. Your notes are getting smaller and smaller and Felix notices the improvement in your small lettering, making your cheat sheet less noticeable. You’re learning quickly.

“Oh come on,” he whines, kicking your leg under the table, “talk to me. How can a person start hating someone? Give me a tutorial.” 

“Well, since you really need to know,” you roll your eyes, putting away the pen from your hand and resting your back against the seat of the booth, “there are a few steps you can take.”

“For example?”

“Well, you have to stop hanging out with them, first thing’s first.” you start. “Because if you don’t hang out with them, you will eventually hate the fact that they’re not near, which will, logically, make you hate them instead.”

“Is that really logical, though?” Felix asks, furrowing his brows at you. In his books, this made no sense at all, but you seemed pretty satisfied with your answer.

“Of course it is! Then, you have to find something about them that you can hate. Anything. Find even the smallest thing, and blow it up in your mind until you hate it. Easy, right?” 

“...I don’t think that’s helping at all,” he says, tone of voice unsure. 

“Of course it is! You’re just refusing that it can be true, because you think I’m stupid.” you stick out his tongue at him, focusing on your work instead.

He kicks you under the table, making you scowl. “Ow! What was that for?”

“I told you that if you’ll make that comment again, I will kick you. So I just did right that.” he says. “Besides, your ideas are stupid. Not you. There’s a difference in that.” he smartly points out, making you roll your eyes at him.

“So, who is it that you like?”

“No one. I told you, it’s hypothetical.” he glares at you.

“Right,” you nod, sighing, “well, I’ll just stick to that, since that means Jisung doesn’t like anyone and I still have a chance.” you smile at him, obviously missing out on the way your words just punched him into the gut. Felix laughs it out, kicking you in the shin instead.

“Right. Of course you do,” he nods. He wishes he didn’t mean that.

You two remain in silence for a moment, while you get back to your work and Felix pretends he’s playing a game on his phone. You don’t notice the way his eyes scan you over, admiring you, once in a while. No one ever does. He guesses this is the perk of always being just the friend. The one people are friends with just because they want something from him. The one that gets taken advantage of. He chooses not to think about it more. Maybe if he did, he could hate you over it, if he wasn’t so used to that feeling anyway. 

“We should hang out on the weekend,” you say, taking him by surprise.

“Oh?” he mumbles out, “with Jisung?”

“No?” you furrow your brows, “look, I know I look like I’m obsessed with him, but I actually just want to hang out with you alone as friends once in a while, you know.”

“We’re hanging out now, though.”

“It’s midnight, Felix,” you point out, “and we’re working. I want to hang out with my friend, like a normal person, you know.” you shrug.

“Yeah…” he says, when your words resonate in his mind like a broken curse. ‘Don’t hang out with them.’ Don’t hang out with her. You have to hate her. He has to start hating you-- there’s no other way. And so, he turns to taking your words into consideration. He can’t meet with you if he’s not ‘tutoring’ you. There’s no way. “We’ll see. I’ll tell you if I’m free.” he smiles warmly instead, because truth be told, he’ll never tell you no to your eyes. He’s always been a bit of a coward. And he also doesn’t want you to frown. Ever.

“Great!” you smile. 

And when Felix comes home that night, at 2am in the morning when his roommate is already asleep-- not knowing of your secret meetings, he lays down in his bed and repeats your advice like a broken mantra. He can’t like you. He has to hate you.

Lee Felix’s guide to hating you: 1. Don’t hang out with her. Only meet her when it’s necessary. If you don’t meet her, you’ll start hating her absence, resulting in hating her altogether. 2. Find a small thing about her to blow up so much you start to hate it. 

That’s not difficult. He hates that you like Han Jisung. It’s a small mistake, a small flaw, but he’s ready to blow it up so much he hates you for it. He hates that he’s not the first choice. He hates that you don��t like him.

Maybe he would hate you more if you were dating his best friend for real.

Lee Felix’s guide to hating you: 1. Don’t hang out with her. 2. Find a thing to hate about her. SUCCESS! 3. Set her up with Han Jisung.

Now, this plan is bulletproof, isn’t it?

Felix unexpectedly breaks the first step of his guide only a few days later-- on a chilly friday afternoon, when his body is hurriedly skipping to the edge of the town centre only to meet with you. Just for the record, though, Felix didn’t intend to break the promise he gave to himself. He really wasn’t going to hang out with you if he didn’t specifically need to, but, well… you called Jisung to hang out. Felix’s heart almost skipped a few beats when he was added to a three-person big group chat with you and his roommate and at that point, he wasn’t going to reject an invitation to the fare in town, because he was fairly sure Jisung didn’t like rollercoasters and he wanted to see you laugh your ass off at him in front of everyone. Is it a little spiteful? Possibly. Does he care? Not that much.

Besides, it’s only one time. It will never happen again!!

He finds you with your black leather jacket on, stepping from one leg to the other, looking around like a lost puppy. Felix mentally curses at himself for not coming sooner so you wouldn’t feel so alone and awkward in the mass of people, when he realises he’s already 15 minutes late because of his afternoon class and his roommate is nowhere to be found.

“Thank god! I thought you were going to bail on me as well,” you call out when Felix is close enough, smiling at him.

“Where’s Jisung?”

“He texted me like 5 minutes ago that he can’t make it today. Something about his mum being in town? I’m not sure,” you furrow your brows, “at least you’re here now, though.”

Felix is met with the realisation that he’s left alone with you again, mentally cursing at himself. This surely does not look like a plan to hating you. It looks like a bullet-proof plan on how to fall even deeper for you, with how your stray hairs are flying around your head and you adorably scrunch up your nose and sniffle from the cold. 

“Should we go?” he forces out of himself, looking at you hopefully.

“Yeah!” you nod, striding a few steps in front of him like a happy school girl excited to go to school for the first time. Felix can’t surpass the gentle smile forming on his lips, shaking his head in disbelief. You look so cheerful and so joyful, making his heart swell with how easily you manage to make him feel so young again. 

He follows you gladly, managing to match his speed with yours, almost forgetting for a moment that he’s not on a date with you, almost forgetting about the fact that you like his best friend and the smile you’re giving him is nothing against the wide grin you offer to his roommate.

“Let’s go on that one!” you cheer, taking Felix by the hand and tugging him your way, not once giving him the opportunity of letting go as you drag him all around the fare. You remind him of his younger sister with how excited you get about the smallest things and he realises he wants to protect your heart from the world just as much as he wants to protect his little sister’s. It’s not the same feeling, though. The affection he feels for you is different. 

Felix doesn’t find it in him to tell you no whenever you tug him on another ride, even when his legs are tired and his jaw hurts from smiling. He finds himself wanting to capture your image into his brain forever, imprint the happy memory in there so he can find it and look at it whenever his heart feels lonely. For the first time in ages, he forgets about everything. He forgets that he’s just the friend, the other choice. He completely forgets that Han Jisung was supposed to be there, at his place, sitting next to you on the ferris wheel as you watch the night city under you with cold cheeks and frozen bodies.

“You must be sad that Jisung isn’t here with you right now. That would surely feel much more romantic than sitting here with me,” Felix says bitterly once the reality hits him for a second, once his heart is unsheltered for a short moment and your eyes meet.

“Oh, don’t be ridiculous,” you roll your eyes, “Jisung can’t be romantic. Besides, if I really wanted a date with him so badly, I wouldn’t have asked you to come with us, would I?” you smile at him, swinging your legs forward and backward, focusing your eyes somewhere into the distance again.

“Well, if you really want to go on a date with him, you can just ask him, you know?” he mumbles, playing with the dead skin on his thumb.

“So he can stand me up and go on a date with his mum again? I don’t know, Felix, is that really worth it?” you giggle, not noticing the way you’re messing with the boy’s head, not noticing the way a small spark of hope lights up somewhere in the deep pits of his stomach when you mention not wanting to ask his best friend out. 

“I don’t know, is it?”

“I’ll have to think about it.” you muse out, and the spark is gone. Of course it’s not that simple. 

Felix just nods and grins at you. The chilly air helps him hide his red cheeks when he thinks of how embarrassing his thoughts must have been in the past quick seconds. He focuses on your face, on the way your eyes crinkle up a little when you stare somewhere far into the distance and your hair flies a little with the breeze. The ferris wheel just reached the top, so he has plenty of time to keep admiring you from so close, but somehow, the moment still feels so short and he wishes he could stop the time. He wishes he could stop the time so he didn’t have to face the reality when he comes down from the ferris wheel. He wishes he didn’t have to see you fall in love with his friend, he wishes he didn’t have to act like he doesn’t care at all. 

“Thanks for helping me, by the way. I wouldn’t have passed my exams if it wasn’t for you and that… that would be really hard on me.” you get out, locking your eyes with his sincerely. He sees your eyes shining even so high above the ground, convincing him the sparkles really must be the stars, when he takes a deep breath in and responds.

“It’s no problem, I get it… I mean, it’s what you gotta do. What we gotta do, when we want to pass. And graduate,” he chuckles. 

Does he really want the degree, though? Or does he just need it to feel like he has some worth? Does he want to graduate or does he just want his parents to value him as an adult, does he really want to continue working so hard on passing or would he just be so much happier if he just dropped out. And saved himself so much stress. He should have known he was never smart enough for college.

“Yeah. I despise the smart kids in our class. I wish I were them,” you scoff, “I despise Jisung, in a way, too,” you add after a dramatic pause.

“Jisung?” Felix furrows his brows.

“Yeah,” you nod, like it’s the clearest thing in the world, “I mean, he’s smart enough to pass. He’s… he’s got his life figured out, in a way. He’s just fine. Getting all the girls and the guys, getting good grades, going on dinner dates with his mum on Fridays,” you giggle, “I mean, I want that. That sounds nice.”

Felix huffs, staring into the distance, “I guess you’re right.” He knows damn well how jealousy feels. 

“I came to college to prove to myself that my life has some worth, but I guess the only thing I prove to myself is that I can’t even pass my exams without help.” you sigh, sounding defeated.

“Hey,” he nudges you a little with his foot, “don’t say that. Life isn’t about grades, degrees and that shit. Of course you have worth and value.” 

He sees you smile in defeat, leaning your head on his shoulder. The feeling of acceptance, pure understanding washes over the two of you, when you gently speak up again. “Try to explain that to my brain.” 

He lightly giggles. “I’m trying, as you can see.”

You look up at him from his shoulder, scrunching up your nose and leaning closer to him, whispering. “It’s not working.” you laugh.

“I know it’s not easy,” he shakes his head, “I’ve been trying to tell that to my family for the past 21 years.” he slips out. Something about you makes him spill out even things he’s never told anyone before, but he finds himself not caring as you approach his eyes with pure serenity mixed with melancholy.

“Is it all because of your parents?” you ask, “the cheating, I mean.”

Felix feels his eyes giving him out, so he chooses not to look at you anymore. “I mean, I would have dropped out long ago if I didn’t have to feel so worthless around my family then. Every single one of my cousins is smart, has a degree and earns a killing. I’m just me-- living from the money I earned over summer, trying not to lose my mind with biology.”

He hears you humming next to him, your head moving as you nod in understatement. The ferris wheel is slowly reaching the bottom again and Felix finds the fact quite relieving. He doesn’t mind having deep talks with you, he just fears he might spill out something both of you don’t want to hear.

“I’m glad you came with me today, Lix.” you smile at him once the two of you reach the bottom, “wanna hear a secret?”

“Spill it out,” he dares you, grinning.

“I only invited Jisung because I thought you didn’t want to hang out with me alone.” you confess, quickly turning around in your spot as you jog a few steps in front of him, carelessly, as if you just didn’t make Felix’s heart stop and insides twitch in excitement. He prays and hopes it’s not just you giving him false hope, he wishes it’s not his mind playing tricks on him. 

“I-” 

“And now that I know you don’t mind being around me, do you wanna go to the dog cafe with me next Wednesday? You know, the one I talked about.” you turn around, flashing him a smile worth a billion dollars, taking him by surprise as his breathing hitches and he doesn’t find it in him to reject you ever again.

“Sure.”

Second step of Lee Felix’s guide to helping you: find a small thing about you he doesn’t like to blow up so much he starts hating you altogether. 

He was so sure that he found the small thing just a few days ago. He thought that the fact that you like his best friend could be enough for him to start hating you. He could sit on that thought for long enough to pick it up to the smallest pieces and over-analyse it to the point he could start hating you. 

And he tries to do just that-- he lies awake at night thinking of how every single person he’s ever been interested in slipped right between his fingers just because of Jisung’s existence. He wonders why he’s never good enough to anyone, why he always has to be the second choice even for tutoring (even though it’s not even tutoring, but we won’t talk about that anymore). He thinks of how you’re so foolish to think your relationship with Jisung is going to last, because Jisung’s feelings never stay the same for long. He over-analyses the smallest things he notices on you when you’re in Jisung’s presence until the point he’s almost sure he can do it, he can hate you for it just a little, in a way, but then, the thought flies right out of the open window as his roommate crashes into his door in the middle of the night.

He startles awake, sitting up at his bed, watching the short male going in with much difficulty, sitting on his bed without a word.

“Jisung?”

“Lixie, I fucked it all up, didn’t I?” Jisung whines, laying down on the bed next to his friend. Felix doesn’t think it’s only due to the late hours of the night that his friend’s words aren’t making any sense, but he doesn’t dare to put his finger on it until he makes sure for himself.

“What are you talking about?”

“Y/N.”

Your name coming out of his lips hits Felix like a baseball bat, hurting in all the right places, as the young male finds it in him to continue the conversation.

“What about her?”

“She asked us to hang out together. And I didn’t go. I know it wasn’t my fault, because my mum was in the town, but still, I feel so bad, because now it must look like I’m not interested in her and that I don’t care and I really don’t want that, you know?” he stummers, making Felix realise his friend talks a lot when he’s under the influence of alcohol just the same second Jisung’s breath catches in Felix’s nose, only proving his point. 

“You didn’t fuck it up, don’t worry.” he muses. And it’s true. Jisung could never truly fuck it up with anyone. Even his exes always crumble up around his feet, wanting attention even after getting their heart broken. Will it be the same with you?

“She must think I don’t like her. And that’s horrible-that’s- that’s- I like her. Very much,” he whines again, getting closer to Felix and wrapping his arms around the blonde’s torso in a wave of affection that only washes over him when he’s drunk.

“Sung-” he stutters, desperately trying to push him away, but even though Jisung doesn’t look like it, he is a strong individual when it comes to involuntary cuddling. Felix can never escape his arms.

“I think she’s special, you know? She’s like- I can’t explain it. It’s like with her, I actually want to try. I want to ask her on dates and love her and give her my heart, because you know, I never dared to give my heart to anyone. And no one’s ever made me feel truly special before…” he mutters, forcing his nose to Felix’s neck, “I’m rambling too much, aren’t I?”

“Yeah,” Felix sighs, nodding. He doesn’t battle his arms anymore. Jisung is his friend, at the end of the day. He can hold him when he needs it.

“Sorry.” he says shortly, sighing as well. The room falls into silence and Felix’s head spins again, his thoughts spiral like a tornado and the eye of the storm is you-- standing there with that stupid smile on your face and he once again realises that he needs to hate you in order to shelter his own heart, because you’re like a hurricane when it comes a to a person’s emotions.

The fact is, though, he could never hate you for liking his best friend. 

Han Jisung is too likable for his own good. His heart is too big for this world, and truth be told, he’s been sharing it with everyone for such a long time now, he deserves to find someone he’s willing to give his all to. 

He could never hate you for liking Jisung-- the boy who smiles at everyone in the halls, the boy that offered him to live in the flat his parent’s bought for him in freshman year, the boy that helps him hide his cheating secret every day. He could never hate you for liking Jisung, because he himself knows too well how much of a treasure his dear friend is. 

He gets it. He gets why people always choose Jisung over him. He could never blame you.

“Sung?”

“Hmm?”

“Ask Y/N out to the dog cafe on Wednesday. She'll love it.”

Felix could never hate you.

Step three of Felix’s bullet-proof guide to hating you is quite simple and actually the only one he completes with success. Setting you up with Jisung on a date is easier than he ever imagined, considering the fact that his roommate decided to finally take things into his own hands and call you on a date after the drunken weeping episode in Felix’s bed. 

Jisung invites you on a date to the dog café in town. The two of you go on Wednesday and although Felix feels like he just gave his roommate a piece of him, an invitation that was never meant for him in the first place, he feels at ease, because at least one part of his plan is working. He could never hate you, but at least now, it will be easier for him to ignore his growing feelings for you when you spend all your time with Jisung on dates and ice cream runs. He only has to ignore his feelings in school and at your ‘tutoring’ sessions. He wonders how long these will be a secret in front of your new boyfriend. Jisung’s not your boyfriend yet, but Felix can only imagine how short the time he isn’t is going to last. 

Felix does the stupid mistake of opening the instagram app in the evening, when he’s curled up in his bed with an embarrassingly big bowl of popcorn on his bed side table, serving him as his depression food. He sees your post show up, an adorable picture of you from the dog café, a big golden retriever in your lap as you giggle at its face. The picture is candid and looks like the kind Felix would like to keep as his lock screen if he had the chance. He’s sure his best friend took it for you not only from the fact that you went out with him tonight, but also for the fact that he’s tagged in the post’s description with a big blue heart emoji. 

He could stop staring at the picture if he really wanted, he could mute your posts and pretend you never existed to shelter his poor heart. He could do everything in his strength to cut all his ties with you. That would make it so much easier for him, wouldn’t it?

But he doesn't. And maybe he doesn’t even want to-- he’s used to the pain anyway, isn’t he? The bitterness, the feeling of being pushed away, ignored and left forgotten. 

He was supposed to be in Jisung’s place now, but that doesn’t change the simple fact that he isn’t-- maybe it was never his place to claim anyway. 

Felix stares at the picture for minutes, wondering of how things could be if you only didn’t fall for his best friend. Or if he came with you today. Who knows, maybe it wasn’t too late for him to ask you on a date. Maybe he could still change your mind. Felix likes to give up on things too quickly, though, and that is the curse that will follow him his whole life. 

Lee Felix is good at cheating. He is insanely good at it, he would also say it’s the only thing he’s ever been good at. Pretending.

It’s his time to shine again. It’s time to pretend he doesn’t like you, pretend you don’t hurt him, pretend he isn’t in love with his best friend’s crush. He’s been always the best at cheating and now it’s time to cheat his way out of liking you. 

Sounds easy, doesn’t it?

“You must be really hungry, if you’re planning to eat all of that in one setting,” Felix mumbles, watching you as you eat yet another plate of chicken wings in yet another pointless bistro in town. Felix wonders how you even know about all of these, since the one you’re both sitting in right now, in the middle of the night, looks rather lonely. It doesn’t even seem that welcoming-- it has graffiti on the walls and the seats are a little torn on the edges, but you don’t seem to care as you munch on the chicken, eyes big when you stare back at your companion.

“I eat a lot when I’m stressed,” you mutter in between your bites, mouth full. You look natural like this and Felix realises this is you in his mind-- cheeks full of food, that little wrinkle in between your brows when you look at him, eyes staring big into his like a loyal dog. This is how he knows you, in your rawest form, and this is coincidentally, also, how he likes you the most. He loves and treasures every single version of you, but your late-night meetings feel of different kind of intimacy to him that he’s sure he’s going to think of even when he’s old and his college years are dusty like an old polaroid picture.  

“Stressed?” he asks, tone of voice a little more worried than usual. Felix always worries about you. Even when you quietly take out your cheat sheet from under the table and write your answers down. He doesn’t fear being caught-- he frankly doesn’t care that much, but he knows that you are having a battle with yourself and he really doesn’t want you to feel like you lost. He didn’t know it was so easy to put someone else first when you worry for the future. 

“The finals are coming up.” you clarify, the words coming out a little bashful and smitten.

“Oh.” he nods. 

You’re both quiet for a while. It would be cheesy to say the silence was comfortable, and Felix knows, he’s seen enough teenage dramas to know these words are used in situations like this, but the truth is, there’s no other way to describe it, and he understands that now. Your determination shines through all your edges and he’s glad you’re doing what you can with the resources you have. You’re not exactly studying for your Biology finals, but it’s still as hard and as stressful as that. It can feel a little embarrassing at times, but there’s no other way around it. You have to battle your enemy, even if it means the game is not fair.

“And those chicken wings are fucking good, dude,” you mutter after a while, offering him one of the paper baskets the server brought you a few minutes ago, looking rather stoned and not interested in your presence at all.

“Don’t tell me this rotten place is winning your chicken wings and fries contest,” Felix snickers, taking a bite that, to his surprise, actually tastes the best out of the amount of fast food chains and restaurants you’ve brought him to. You should never judge a book by its cover and this bistro is clearly one of the examples.

“I have only one place left to go, so we’ll see then, but I guess it might just be the top place right now,” you muse out, a wide grin decorating your features as you glance up at Felix that watches you scribble down your notes on a mini piece of paper.

“Wanna go with me there? After the finals, of course. We can celebrate if we pass,” you point out, licking your lips in nerves, “I don’t think I’ll need these ‘tutoring sessions’ anymore then, but I still want to hang out sometime.” you say, putting air quotes around the words tutoring session, looking at him with expectations in your eyes.

“Oh, sure,” he agrees, nodding. “I have to be there when you finally declare your last yelp review.”

You only laugh at him and shake your head, eating some more as you look down into your notes again, lost in work. “I still don’t get how you can do these so fast.”

“I already know what’s the most useful. You don’t have to copy the whole textbook on there.”

“You can never know! What if I’ll need it all?” you exclaim, only making him laugh harder.

He points his eyes out of the window, watching the empty parking lot. You didn’t come in your car today, telling Felix your house is close anyway, and Felix doesn’t dare to drive his car anywhere unless he doesn’t need to. He has a little bit of a trauma since the last time he drove with his dad and he almost ran the car into a tree, getting a shower of swear words and exclamations from his dear father, so he only drives his small white Renault when he needs to go home. Which is, coincidentally, next week. 

“I really don’t want to go home next week,” he sighs.

“Your family is still onto you for the smallest shit?” you ask, tone of voice sympathetic.

“Yeah. Can’t wait to graduate so I don’t have to listen to them talking about a degree anymore,” he rolls his eyes, “I only have to find myself a partner so my grandma can shut up about me being single all the time.”

You softly laugh, making Felix look at you for a moment, his heart skipping a few beats when your eyes meet for a little more seconds than usual. “I’m sorry. You can always text me, though, if you need anyone to talk or gossip with.” you say, averting your eyes from his.

“You’d have to be on your phone 24/7, then. My mental stability comes down by 70% when I’m back home and it’s already only on 15% now,” Felix snickers.

“Oh, I don’t mind. I’ll be staying here anyway.” you say, giggling.

“You’re not coming back home?”

“No,” you shake your head in disapproval, quickly glancing into his eyes before speaking up again, “it’s my parent’s wedding anniversary, so they’re going on a holiday. There’s no use in me coming home if I’m just going to be alone there anyway,” you shrug.

Felix hums, nodding in understatement. “That makes sense. I’m sorry you can’t meet your family on holidays, though.”

“It’s okay,” you say, “I see them often anyway. One Christmas won’t kill me. I have a whole season of Game of thrones to catch up on anyway.” you light-heartedly laugh, sounding like Felix’s favorite song. He smiles with you, shaking his head in disbelief at how positively you can always see the world, when he glances out of the window for a moment again, only to be met with a surprise. 

There are white flakes of snow falling from the sky and something in Felix wakes up-- something he’d call happiness, maybe even joy, when he quickly shoots up from his seat and calls you with excitement coating his voice, “Y/N! Y/N! Come on!”

“Come where? Felix, what are you-” 

He doesn’t let you finish as he takes you by the hand and tugs you on your feet, tugging you out of the empty bistro out into the dark parking lot, admiring the snowflakes falling onto the ground and every surface in his sight. He sees some stick into your hair, making him giggle as his outstretched hand dusts them off subconsciously, when he starts running around like a happy child, laughter coming out of his throat filling the silence.

“It’s snowing!” you exclaim, when Felix reaches your body frozen in its place again. He reminds you of a golden retriever when he jumps a little in his place, his feet happily crouching in the snow. You laugh at his antics when he starts acting like a little boy, this side of Felix being so new to you, yet you can’t help but feel your heart swell with admiration when he asks you to catch some snow into your mouth.

“Felix! That’s disgusting!” you refuse, laughing.

“Oh come on! It’s just water!” he cheers, leaning his head back and opening his mouth wide, waiting for the snow to fall into his mouth. 

“But it’s unhygienic and dirty! You have to be kidding me!” you still reject his idea, standing your ground firmly as always in your life so far, when a face of a boy looking like an angel takes you by surprise and his big eyes plead you in a way that makes you drop all your grudges and all your beliefs down, rolling your eyes when he pouts, leaning your head back as well and opening your mouth with a loud ‘aaaa’ sound to satisfy his foolish heart.

Once you both feel a snowflake hitting your tongues, you look at each other with your tongues out, laughing at how stupid the other one looks, pointing to your tongues. You shake your head. “It melted off, you stupid!”

“You did the same thing!” he bursts out laughing, bending over in the force of his emotions. You watch him with a wide grin plastered onto your face. It feels like watching a movie. You don’t think you’ll ever have a brighter memory with the boy in front of you, with his cheeks red from the snow and smile so wide it hurts both of your jaws.

You instinctively take his hands into yours, looking down on your feet as you start going around in a circle with him, going quicker and quicker as you watch your footprints in the snow mixing with his, the dry skin of his hands making you feel strange. You laugh out when your head starts spinning, looking up at him to find him already staring at you with stars in his eyes, when you wonder,

isn’t this how love is supposed to feel?

All of his life, Felix had thought that family gatherings could always either go two ways, and that is: 1) a normal, boring meet-ups where your grandma asks about how school’s going, when you’re going to finally find a partner and another one of your cousin’s announces their engagement party, or 2) the actual engagement parties-- every single family member including the senile grandma from mum’s side gets drunk and you don’t have to think about more fake reasons why you have yet to lose your virginity.

You see, Felix is wrong in a lot of things. And this was surely one of them-- it’s the December 27th and he’s sitting in his grandma’s old kitchen, the wind blowing through the cracks of her window and the sweets on the table have already melted from the heat being too high, because his aunt is always cold and they can’t compromise. That sounds fine, even usual, Felix would say, however, the fire lights up a few moments later when his head starts to hurt from all the talking and he begins to dissociate a little too much, meaning that his grandma now has to shift her attention from all of his other relatives to him, because how dare he stay quiet on a family gathering where he has nothing to add to the conversation, right?

It starts off as usual, the answers to these questions digged deep into Felix’s brain since the first year of college. He doesn’t even bat an eye when he answers the questions directed at his studies and grades, telling all of his interested relatives that he’s working hard and it’s paying off. Nobody complains or disagrees-- his grades are awesome. His degree is here soon. Felix almost thinks he’s over with when his grandma laughs at a poor joke that comes out of his mouth, but that was only a bad prediction as he moves on to questions about his love life, which are, believe me or not, much more boring and much more ego-hurting for the blonde.

“Do you have a girlfriend yet, Felix?” she asks, tone of voice sounding rather interested, but don’t believe her-- it’s only an act. She’s ready to laugh into his face when he gives her the answer she’s hoping for.

“No, not yet, grandma,” he mumbles, averting his eyes from her wrinkley face as soon as possible. He really doesn’t need to look at her any longer to know she’s silently judging him on the inside, because that’s just how his grandmother is. 

“That’s such a shame… I wonder why… You’re such a pretty young boy, aren’t you?” she mutters under her nose, tone almost whiney, “what about your roommate? Jisung, was it?”

Felix takes a deep breath in, closing his eyes for a second to calm his rising heart beat. He could have predicted questions like this coming, because the conversation always somehow diverted to his roommate even when he was at home with his family. It’s crazy, how everyone just seems to adore Jisung much more than their own family member. 

“He’s.. Yeah. He’s always with someone, you know him. Not now, though, now he’s single,” Felix nods, explaining.

“Well, I’m sure he’ll find someone soon,” she admits, “he’s such a gentleman. And so handsome as well, isn’t he?” she asks, his aunt from her right side nodding quickly at the mention of Han Jisung. 

“He always has so many people around him, he’s so charming. If only you were more like him, maybe then someone would date you as well,” his grandma says calmly, not even noticing the way her words cut deeper and deeper into Felix’s heart, kicking him and punching him like a boxing bag, “you should try to be more like him.”

Felix bites down on his lower lip, rolling his eyes. Frustration coats his voice once he speaks up, the built-up anger living inside of him like an animal kept well in its cage. He doesn’t want to let it out, because he fears what it might do once it’s free, but he still retorts to a dig addressed to his grandma, huffing in annoyance. “Should I send Jisung home instead of me next time?”

“Oh no, Felix, what are you even saying right now?” his grandma looks rather offended, eyes twice their usual size as she glares at him.

“Well, since you like him so much.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I was just saying that-”

“Leave it.” Felix says. 

The atmosphere is too heavy now, all eyes on him as if he was in a circus, watching him just moments before his breaking. He realises he no longer feels welcome in this place and maybe he never did, he just chose to ignore it by now, because that’s what he always does when a problem appears-- he chooses ignorance. Ignorance is Felix’s best friend, and although it may sound like he’s running away from his problems all the time, it’s always worked so far. He’s just protecting his heart, building walls around it. 

He doesn’t want to fight. He hates conflict. So, even though he’d like to snap, even though he’d like to leash out like an animal, he doesn’t. He steps back-- as he always does, taking the car keys from the table and escaping the house, hearing the calls of his mother after him. He doesn’t bother to say goodbye, he doesn’t even bother to look back nor take the Christmas gifts his grandma brought for everyone. 

He sits into the small white Renault he drives once a year when he comes back home, starts the engine and speeds up to the limit, driving away from all of his problems. He doesn’t want to hear their complaints, he doesn’t want to listen. It’s the best this way. He wants to ignore the words that came out of his grandma’s mouth, but he can’t find it in him as he hears them resonate in his head over and over again. 

He’s the second choice even in his own family. He’s a joke to everyone, isn’t he? Just the side character, the one that never gets the spotlight. It hurts, it hurts him so much, but he pays no attention to his blurry vision, because even though he’s fairly sure no one from his family would miss him, he doesn’t want to drive off the road and kill himself with his escape.

He parks the car in front of his and Jisung’s flat after a few hours. He’s fairly good at it, considering he never drives, and mentally puts up a middle finger to his dad in his head for screaming at him so much. He was in a much calmer headspace when he was driving with his dad than he was now, yet, he didn’t manage to drive anyone over. 

Putting his feet into the cold, empty apartment, turning the heating on and plopping down on the sofa, he once again realises how lonely it feels. Not only because of the feeling of abandonment the dark flat resonates, but also due to the fact that it truly feels like now, he’s all alone in this world. The silence screams louder than any words ever could, his ears lowly ringing without any sound in the small room, which makes him wonder if he’s truly the only one that has to spend his holidays pretty much alone. Maybe it’s his fault that he’s fucked it up with his family, who knows-- but that’s a topic for another overthinking session of his, when he decides to let it go once his eyes meet the snow silently falling down behind the window. 

The dark mixed with the white balls of fluff in the air remind him of you. Your bubbly laugh, the feeling of your skin on his when you held his hands and danced around with him in the snow. He feels a smile growing on his face, despite everything he’s heard today, his fingers involuntarily texting you to see if you’re doing anything and if you can hang out with him today. 

He meets you at the door a few minutes later, your nose runny from the cold and hands dry, smiling at you with a sense he can only describe as belonging, because he realises, maybe you feel just as lonely as him on holidays and suddenly, he no longer feels sorry for leaving.

“Why are you even here, Lix? Shouldn’t you be at home?” you ask him when you’re taking off your shoes and hanging your coat on the hanger by the door. He bites down on his lower lip to suppress a bitter chuckle. 

“Christmas got cancelled this year.” he shrugs. 

It’s not like he doesn’t trust you. You know better than anyone what his struggles are-- he asked you to keep his secrets numerous times. It’s just that now that you’re here, it’s like his soul finally feels calm and he no longer wants to whine about his grandma or his aunts anymore. It’s just you and him and the empty apartment. If he was anyone else, maybe he’d try to get into your pants. He’s just Lee Felix though, and he’s absolutely, wholeheartedly in love with you, he realises, and believe me, it kind of takes him over the edge, and so he doesn’t try anything. 

And you look at him in understatement, no other questions asked.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. It’s all a capitalistic holiday anyway,” he shrugs.

You follow him into the living room and he throws the remote control into your lap, telling you to choose a movie before he comes back with popcorn. 

“If you don’t pick anything before I’m done, we’ll just watch Venom, I don’t care,” he says, seeing you adorably scrunch up your nose at him in response. 

When he comes back and you’re waiting for him with Howl’s moving castle paused on Netflix, he can’t help but grin at you. He places the popcorn on the coffee table and notices himself staring onto your body next to his far more often than the TV and wonders if he really drove away from all of his problems or if he just drove away from one problem to another, because now, it’s getting really hard to focus on staying away from you. 

And when you shiver and curl up into his side, placing your head onto his shoulder, he can’t help but jolt at the contact, staring at you in surprise. 

“It’s cold,” you mumble, pouting.

Felix smiles. He rolls his eyes at you, even though on the inside, he finds you absolutely adorable, taking a blanket from the side of the sofa and putting it over your cold bodies, tucking you both in. You feel warm against his side, your hand resting on his chest. He wonders if you can feel his quickening heartbeat, his stiff body and the nerves rising in his heart. Everything else disappears, the fight back home long forgotten and Han Jisung left somewhere home with his own family, the weight of your body overwhelming him when you fall asleep and that’s when he stops and thinks,

isn’t this how home’s supposed to feel like?

The halls of the university building are empty as Felix stands right in front of the closed door, silently pacing around the corridors and bumping his knee up and down. He just got his final’s results and even though his soul was supposed to be at peace, he finds himself stressing over you, currently sitting in the room behind the closed door in front of him, getting your final’s results from biology back. The professor decided to split your class into two groups for the finals so you can, quote, ‘focus better when there’s less people around’ and even though you managed to cheat on your exams without any problems, he still wonders if you did well and if you passed. 

Once the voices behind the closed doors get louder and louder, he figures it’s near the end of your lecture and he can finally see you again and ask you how you did. 

The last time he talked to you without the stress of finals breathing onto your back was back on Christmas break-- more than a week ago. Ever since then, you two have been meeting in the middle of the night again, preparing for your upcoming tests. You didn’t really manage to talk a lot about anything else and even though Felix didn’t mind, he still missed your mindless rambles and weird jokes you used to crack when you weren’t stressing your mind off. 

The door opens and reveals people coming out, a few of them wearing a toothy grin on their faces as they glance on the paper in their hands, a few of them frowning as they pin their eyes to the ground. It’s not easy to differentiate the ones that passed and the ones who did not do that well and even though Felix feels sorry for them, he wonders why they just don’t cheat their way out of bad grades just how he does. It’s not that hard. It just takes a lot of practice. 

Once he finally sees your face, a big, toothy grin decorating your lips, a big stone falls off his heart, a weight lifts itself from his shoulders, because frankly, you wouldn’t look so happy if you failed, right? You’re not a total psychopath.

“How did you-” 

His words are cut off from his mouth, all air kicked out of his body once he feels you so close, the soft skin of your lips pressed up against his in a happy kiss. He’s startled, to say the least. His cheeks are reddening in the instance and he doesn’t even know if time stopped or if it’s just the rising anxiety and excitement in his chest, but he bites down the confusion and kisses you back finally, closing his eyes and bringing you close by your shoulders. The kiss is a little sloppy and messy, but he doesn’t mind-- all that’s occupying his mind right now is you, your sweet lips, your mouthy kiss, your excited hands creeping up around his neck, your bag that fell to the ground next to his feet, your exam paper marked with the big red A+ flying around the two of you when you let it fall from your grasp, your hair tickling his cheeks, you, you, you.

There’s only you. In the air he breathes, in the ground he walks on, in his hands and on his mind. You’re everywhere. Intoxicating.

You pull away from him after a while, grinning at him. It still manages to startle him a little-- how just the small gesture can light up his whole world, how your smile can make him feel like he’s the luckiest person on this earth. He sees stars in your eyes and he wonders who put them there, hoping to be the one, believing he could finally be the one, with how you look at him and hold him in your arms-

but it’s Felix’s life we’re talking about. There’s only you, you, you and maybe somewhere, far away in the distance, there could even be him, but who’s always there for sure is Han Jisung.

Han Jisung staring at the two of you from the open door, mouth agape in shock. Han Jisung with trembling hands, Han Jisung with his books clutched close to his chest as Felix’s heart drops and reality finally hits him. You were never supposed to be his to kiss. You were supposed to be Jisung’s-- his roommate’s, his best friend’s -- you fell for him long, long ago and that’s how it’s always been. 

He opens his mouth to say something, anything, to comfort his dear friend that looks like he’s heart’s being broken, but he finds no words in him to console his actions. He feels bad, he feels so, so guilty when their eyes meet, but he doesn’t manage to say anything before Jisung turns around the corner and leaves. 

The sound of Jisung’s quick steps is the only thing resonating in Felix’s mind like a bell, a signal for him that he fucked up, he did a really, really bad thing. 

His insides clutch and eyes water in the empty college corridor when he wonders,

is this how it feels to break someone’s heart?

You kick the small rocks beneath your feet, gazing into the distance. The cold in your bones makes you shudder, your eyes trailing around the neighbourhood so foreign to you, putting your hands into your pockets so you shelter your fingers from the frozen air. You think how this place looks exactly as you imagined it to-- tall apartment complex and a single big tree in front of it, the cars parked in the driveway obviously having their spot as the neighbours have lived together for a long time to know not to park anywhere else, because it’s more efficient this way. 

You’re waiting and waiting, hoping to see the one you’re waiting for soon, because you doubt your confidence will last you for any longer if you don’t talk to him now. You could lie and tell yourself it’s okay and that you’re not nervous at all, but after Jisung ran away the other day and his roommate followed him a few moments later, you feel nervousness creeping into your skin after not seeing or hearing from Felix for three days now. 

You remember him telling you that he likes to go for late-night convenience store runs every evening to get his favorite snacks. It wasn’t hard to find out where he lives-- it’s the 21st century, for god’s sake. You asked a friend of his friend and here you are, waiting  for him to appear in the door of his apartment complex, ready to talk to him about the events of this week.

Once you hear the door opening, you feel your head snap to its direction quicker than the speed of light, knees almost getting weak at the sight of Lee Felix standing there, confusion written all over his face once his eyes meet with yours. The frown forming on his face only deepens your stress as you wonder if he didn’t want to see you today, which, considering the fact that he’s been ignoring you for the past few days, might just be the case, but it still makes your heart break just a little when you hear him sigh once he makes his way over to you, the sound of his sneakers on the ground being the only thing heard in the middle of the night.

All the snow has melted-- as if all the bright things have left just in time with it, leaving you sad and cold, the clouds of your breath hitting the cold air being the only thing reminding you of the weather as you feel your body heating up in his presence. 

“Can we talk?” you ask, voice steadier than you expected it to be.

“I- I mean,” he starts, a shaky and husky voice hitting your ears, signaling that he probably hadn’t spoken to anyone for a long time now, “you’re already here, so I guess…”

You nod at him, averting your gaze quickly to the ground, when you realise you suddenly don’t know what to say. You try to search for words, yet none come out of your mouth. Your mind is blank and it seems like his presence took away all your vocabulary, but deep on the inside, you know damn well that if you don’t speak up now, you won’t have a second chance and you really have to get it now.

“Why- why…” you mutter, “why did you leave without saying anything the other day?” you ask.

The silence is overwhelming as you start to hate the sound of your own breath, opting to hold it for a few seconds as you await his response. 

“I mean, isn’t it obvious?” 

You shake your head in confusion, finally meeting his eyes again. “No.”

“Jisung… Jisung saw us. I didn’t feel like it was right,” he explains, cracking his knuckles in a nervous habit you noticed in him a long, long time ago when he first tried to teach you how to cheat in class without getting caught.

“What does he have to do with anything?”

“You two like each other.” he says bluntly, taking you off-guard.

The moment these words come out of his mouth, you realise not one, but two things. One of them is fairly new to you, the fact that Han Jisung liked you back was something you never knew you could experience, but even though you should be flattered, you realise it no longer holds a meaning in your heart. The second thing is connected to the first-- and that is, Lee Felix doesn’t know that you like him now. His foolish, silly mind convinced him you were still in love with his best friend, his confused and frustrated brain didn’t let him realise that for a long, long time now, the freckled boy in front of you has been the only one you thought about when you were falling asleep at night.

You don’t even know when it happened. You guess it just did. You wondered how it’d feel to know what exactly made you fall for Felix, what that moment was, but something inside of you is telling you that maybe, it was even more wonderful this way. Unexpected, but totally reasonable.

“Why would I be kissing you if I still liked Jisung?” you ask, the fear of directly confessing to him and getting rejected creeping up in your shadow.

“I- I don’t know-”

“Exactly.” you cut him off before he rambles and manages to find a stupid, silly reason in his head to justify his wrong expectations. You know how he is-- if he overthinks things hard enough, he’ll surely find an answer. There’s none, though, so you don’t dare to give him time to think about it and ponder on the thought for any longer.

“But that doesn’t matter now anyway,” he shrugs, putting his hands into his pockets.

You wonder what’s going on inside of his head right now. You wonder if he regrets what he’s done-- if he wants to turn back time and never let you kiss him. The nerves make you bite down harshly on your bottom lip and you only catch yourself when you feel iron in your mouth, quickly licking your own wound on the surface of your mouth and take a deep breath in. 

“Why?” you ask. 

“Why would it?” he says, eyes boring into yours.

“Because… I thought it meant something to you? I mean, it meant a lot to me, at least. That’s why I’m even here in the first place,” you chuckle airly, feeling your throat get dry.

“I’m not saying that it didn’t, I just think it had no point.”

His words feel like knives thrown into your chest, like a fire burning the pit of your stomach. You feel your legs getting weaker at his arguments, your fingers harshly tugging at the skin of your cuticles hidden in your pockets. You don’t trust your voice to sound steady this time when you speak, but you don’t care. Maybe it’s time to show your real emotions. Maybe it will change Felix’s mind.

“And why is that?”

“Because people like you don’t date people like me. You’re supposed to be in love with Jisung. You’re supposed to be dating him, he’s supposed to date you. You’re too good for me anyway.” he shrugs.

“Is this all about Jisung?” you ask, eyebrows furrowed.

You watch Felix sharply inhale in and out, averting his eyes from your figure. The distance between the two of you is unnatural, as if to singal how the two of you are slowly drifting apart. You see him fold his hands on his chest, preparing for what he’s about to say.

“It hurt him, back then. And I hate that. He loves you and I just.. I can’t do that to him, when I know  how much he cares about you.” he says.

Love is a strange thing. You hear Felix say how much Jisung loves you, but is that really true? Does Han Jisung even know you? The real you?

Does Jisung know how you look with your mouth full of fries and a greasy forehead? Does he know how you look when you’re stressed out of your mind because of finals? Does he know your favorite bistro, does he know your favorite movie? Did you cuddle up with Jisung on the couch just because you wanted to be close to him, comfort him and tell him you’re there just a few days after Christmas? 

Or does he just know the self you put up in front of him when you went to meet him? The put-together you that cares even about the sound of your own laugh, not wanting it to sound ugly in his ears? 

Han Jisung can’t love you. He doesn’t even know you.

And you never loved him-- just for the same reason. The feelings you had for him were merely a feeling of attraction, so far away from love.

But now you know how you feel about Felix, how his smile lights up the world and how his presence makes you feel understood. How even the silence with him speaks louder than a million words, how he knows you like the back of his hand and how he treats you like his closest friend. You know that what you feel when you’re with him is stronger than anything you ever have and although it used to scare you for a moment, now you’re ready to embrace it and live with it, if he lets you.

Lee Felix doesn’t tell you he loves you. Maybe you can see it in his eyes.

Why does he have to put everything above love? Why does he care about Jisung more than you? It’s breaking your heart. 

“Felix… I’m sure he’d understand. He’s a good person. I’m sure he’d want you to be happy.”

“Y/N, you don’t understand-”

“He’s a grown adult!” you yell out, the built-up emotions coming to the surface in the form of frustration, your words sunding spiteful and angry. Maybe you are furious, maybe you are full of fire right now, but it’s all because of the boy in front of you and the things he refuses to let himself enjoy.

“Why do you even care about it so much, huh? I was your fucking second choice all along anyway!” 

You look at him in shock, your eyes watering at the sight of the frown sitting on his face. Something inside of you breaks and you think it’s safe to say it was your heart, choking you up as you shake your head in disapproval. 

“Felix-” you protest, but there’s no use.

You see him turn around on his heel, opening the door to the apartment complex and leaving. It feels like you’re losing him, it feels like he’s gone forever. He turned his back on you, refusing all the love you were willing to give him, all the love you were offering to him right here, your heart in your hands.

He gave up on your love.

People in movies go out to party after a break-up to get drunk and numb their feelings. They either go to the club or go to a stupid college party, which is, coincidentally, your case today, but you’re not here to get drunk tonight. You’re not here to drown out your feelings and numb your pained soul-- you’re simply here to try to have some fun.

Your mum told you long, long ago that happiness is a choice. You could argue with her and tell her that depression and heartbreak aren’t a choice and that they, by themselves, are causing people the most sadness, but you had to give your mum a point. If you don’t choose to try, if you don’t do anything to at least try to stimulate your own brain, you can’t expect happiness to find you by itself. That’s just, sadly, not how life works, and you weren’t going to drown out in your own tears just because of Lee fucking Felix, because if you weren’t worth trying for him, he’s not worth any of your tears.

You appear on Lee Haechan’s end of the semester party. You have A+ finals to celebrate and although you would be much happier to drink to them with the one that basically helped you get through the semester, you won’t pass the chance to socialize. You worked hard and you did a good job-- you deserve a party. Alcohol truly isn’t the best for your brain, but you will just decide to call it selfcare. It’s not like you’re getting blacked-out drunk tonight anyway.

You manage to have small talk with a few people from your class. Though it’s not exactly what’s stimulating your brain, you don’t mind it. You barely know these people and you couldn’t care less, but you guess this is the downside of socialising. 

The alcohol in your veins doesn’t give you a chance to loosen up, though. You only feel your body warmer with the beer hitting your system, but your feelings still taste of salt, your brain not cooperating with your grandiose happiness plan and you think the people talking to you notice, since no one really tries to keep you in a conversation long enough when you start to absently nod at them and pay zero attention to what they’re saying. You don’t blame them, though. You’d probably do the same in their place.

Your feet move their way to the front door when you decide that maybe your mum wasn’t right, completely ready to go home and pity yourself for a few more days before coming back to life, when a familiar voice calls you from behind, making you freeze in your spot.

“Y/N, long time no see.”

Han Jisung watches you with glossy eyes, yet he tries to look nonchalant at the sight of you. It doesn’t feel like his heart is breaking when he sees you right here and there, chewing on your bottom lip, more or less, it feels numbing to his heart and his head. It’s like he expected it all from the start-- the outcome that once so surprised him. But after all this time he spent overthinking and dwelling on the memory of seeing you kissing his best friend, it made sense to him. 

“Jisung…”

He can see your eyes growing worried when you watch over him and he mentally slaps himself for not handling his emotions with more care back then. He could have spared you a lot of pain and trouble if he hadn’t reacted in such a way in the doorway of your classroom, but the truth is, Han Jisung hadn’t really known just how much a true heartbreak feels and nothing could ever prepare him for the physical pain numbing his chest. He didn’t know it could hurt so much. 

He doesn’t want to worry you. You are still his friend, after all, right? That’s all you always have been and he should have understood it from the first moment he saw you gaze at his friend so lovingly in the university halls one day. He thinks you, yourself, didn’t even recognise the emotion in you when you watched over Felix with so much care, with so many stars in his eyes and a big grin on your face. He could never compare himself to Felix.

He doesn’t want to worry you anymore, and so he decides to talk to you like a friend would. You looked like you could use a friend tonight.

“How have you been?” he asks, smiling at you. He hopes his eyes convey the emotion he feels-- how after all this time, he still feels comfortable with you and desperately needs you to do the same. He can’t lose another friend. Not to love. 

That happens every single time. Truth be told, Jisung used to have a problem with differentiating true love from platonic feelings sometimes. He used to think he falls out of love just as quickly as he falls in, but the truth is that it was never even love at all. Sometimes, it was just pure admiration. Feelings for a friend. And he managed to ruin all his friendships just because he started dating them. 

And then, he just kept searching and searching for the right one, because no one ever felt right. No one ever made him feel loved, no one ever made him feel love. It felt suffocating, but so, so addicting. He could never give up on trying to find love.

And then he met you. And it finally made sense-- it finally felt right.

“I’m… I’m fine, thanks,” you say, smiling at him with that smile that still, admittedly, made his heart race and swell with love. He’s not afraid to call the emotion by its name. It doesn’t feel wrong. He used to think he wants it to stop, but the truth is, it still feels nice. 

Love feels like loneliness sometimes. It’s a bittersweet feeling. But it’s still so, so addicting.

“Are you sure?” he asks. He knows you. He knows when something’s wrong.

He also knows your eyes have been searching for his roommate for the past few minutes of your conversation. He knows you want to meet him and avoid him all at once, love him and leave him-- it was a paradox. 

He knows his roommate way too well, though. He knows he can’t fall out of love with you. He knows, though, that he’ll never act upon it. Lee Felix has always been the sweetest person in this whole entire world-- putting the needs of others before his own. He can’t keep doing this to himself.He can’t keep doing this to you.

“I think you know the answer, Jisung. Why do you keep asking, then?” you bitterly snicker, going around him and escaping the noisy house. Jisung doesn’t know if you want to leave, if you want to escape his presence, but he can’t leave you just like that, and so he follows you outside, seeing you sitting at the doorstep, as if you were waiting for him.

“You don’t have to think of me, you know that, right?” he says once he takes a seat next to you, watching your expression change into a pained one. 

“It’s… I don’t know. It’s complicated. And Felix- he doesn’t think it’s right. I can’t force him into anything. It was his choice anyway,” you mutter. Jisung sighs heavily, the feeling your words on his chest heavy and solemn. He hates the fact that he is standing in the way of your happiness. He hates the fact that he is the problem, the invisible wall keeping you two from each other. 

“It’s simple, though.” he shrugs.

Your eyebrows furrow in confusion, a heavy sigh escaping your lips. He takes it upon himself to explain before you begin to tell him that it’s not, opting to open your eyes on his own.

“You two are in love with each other. So you should be together. Isn’t that simple?” he asks, smiling at you subtly.

You scoff and shake your head. “He gave up on us.”

“Did he, or did he just do what he felt was right?” Jisung argues. “You can’t keep hiding from each other. You can’t keep trying to ignore your feelings just because I like you. That’s not fair for either of you.”

You don’t argue with him this time. He wonders what’s going on inside of your head at the moment, with your eyebrows furrowed and your bottom lip trapped in your teeth. You look just like all the times he watched you during your tutoring sessions-- focused and lost in thought. It will feel weird to not see you in that way anymore, but he has to try.

The same way Lee Felix always tried for him.

“You’re too sweet, Han Jisung. What a shame our timing’s off.” you say, bitterness coating your voice. He looks up at you again, wondering what your words mean. “I used to like you back then, you know,” you smile.

Here it is, the strange emotion again. The emotion of almost physical pain, a hand squeezing his heart, a knife stabbed into his back. It feels like his world is crumbling down on him, because he’s stupid-- so stupid. He could have had you back then. He could have been with you all this time, only if he wasn’t late. He missed his biggest chance, the biggest opportunity, the happiest time of his life. All because he was too hesitant. 

He didn’t deserve you anyway.

“But now your timing’s right with Felix. Don’t waste that,” he says, biting through the pain.

Because the truth is, if anyone deserved love, it was his roommate. The one that refused you for him, the one that rejected you for him, the one that set him up on a date with you even though you invited him in the first place. The one who gave up on his love only so he wouldn’t hurt his friend. You could say that Jisung was too good for this world, but Lee Felix is the one that deserves the whole entire world, in his eyes.

Maybe these two were just too good of friends. Caring about the other one twice as much as about themselves. And that’s exactly why Jisung will get over this-- he’ll push you to his friend. So he could be happy, finally. 

“Jisung, I don’t know-”

“Do it,” he cuts you off, “reach out to him again. Try it. For me.”

y/n: meet me at the 8Bistro at 9 

Felix can’t believe himself when he finds his legs moving to the direction of the bistro at the edge of the town. He knows it’s the last one on your list, the one you invited him to so you could celebrate your finals in and he finds himself wondering if he could have gone here with you earlier only if the two of you didn’t share that kiss back then.

That damned kiss he couldn’t stop thinking about for the last few days-- even weeks, every time he opened his eyes in the morning and closed them when he was about to sleep. It kept following him like a curse, a thing he couldn’t escape, as if it was testing him like the snake tested Eve in paradise. Foreign fruit. 

You’re sitting there already when he arrives, fingers playing with each other as you gaze at the door in expectation. He sees your usual order already on the table, assuming you got here early, but it’s untouched as your knee bumps up and down under the table and you bite down harshly on your bottom lip.

He takes a seat, allowing himself to look at you again after such a long time. It feels like it’s been ages, yet you still look the same to him-- the same beauty that hit him when he first met you and shared his biggest secret with you.

“Why aren’t you eating? You have to finish off your list,” he mumbles awkwardly, motioning to the food at the table.

“I wanted to wait for you.” you say. Your voice is quiet, almost shy, when you speak to him. He wonders just how much he fucked up that it made you act this way. He knows it’s probably a lot, but considering he’s sitting here right now, he can still fix it.

At least he hopes so. 

“Did you.. Do you want to talk to me about something?” he asks, nervosity filling his veins as he feels his hands form a little swimming pool with just how much he’s sweating.

“Yes,” you nod, taking a deep breath in and out. He wonders if you’re just as nervous as he is. The answer is probably yes, considering your tense shoulders and restless legs, but he doesn’t comment on it as he watches you begin speaking again. “I wanted to tell you that I’m- I’m in love with you. And that it’s for real, and it’s for you and no one else,” you start, quickly wetting your lips and continuing again, “and I know you must feel like a second choice, or like you weren’t important to me at all, but that’s not true.”

“You helped me so much, really, but the more I hung out with you, the more I realised just how wonderful you are. And how your heart is so big, how you’re fun to be around…” you ramble, taking Felix by surprise with your heart-felt monologue, “and that Jisung is not the one for me, because, well, it was just.. it was just a crush. I didn’t know him. He didn’t even know me that well. Crushes… they don’t mean anything. They’re silly. But what I have with you, Felix…” you say, drifting your eyes away from him for a second,

“I know you. The real you. And you know me. You’ve seen me at my worst. You’ve seen me struggle and you know exactly how to help. You know me and I know you and the feelings I have for you are much more than a silly crush. I love you, Felix. And I don’t want to just forget about us.” you complete and Felix swears he can feel his eyes watering at your words. He chooses not to speak up, afraid of his voice breaking, afraid he’s going to embarrass himself in front of you. His emotions got the best of him and right here and now, no one else matters. 

It’s you. You that feels like home, you, the only girl he’s ever loved. You, the only girl that ever loved him back, you, who he foolishly rejected. 

You’re everywhere. In his veins, in his heart, in his foolish, stupid mind.

“Felix… I don’t want you to give up on us.” 

He looks up, seeing your sincere eyes and a look full of worry. You seem so wonderful to him, even now. You’re everything he’s ever dreamt of, a home without a roof and walls. With you, he feels at ease. He trusts you. He’s never felt this way for anyone before.

He watches you and he hears your laugh, he hears your whines when he used to tease you so much. He hears the sound of your memories when he chased you around in the snow. He hears the opening song of Howl’s moving castle, reminding him of the warmth he felt when you hugged him so close that evening.

He used to want to hate you. He should have known that could never be the case.

You’re all he needs-- all he wants. You’re everywhere he looks, in every beauty of the world and in everything that’s dear to him. 

You, you, you, you.

And so he decides-- it’s time to change his plan.

Lee Felix’s bullet-proof guide to loving you: 1) hold her hand, 2) get rid of the guilt, 3) lean in and kiss her.

“Does that mean you’re giving us a chance?” you ask, hopeful eyes glaring at him with millions of stars in them, sparkles swimming around in perfection.

“We’ll talk after you eat. You have a yelp review to write,” he laughs.

“Feli-”

Lee Felix’s bullet-proof guide to loving you: 4) shut her up by forcing french fries into her mouth.

“I love you too.”

[maizumis]

Hii! Another Haikyuu dad au! Can it be with the miya twins, Bokuto, Iwa, and Suna? They get into an argument with their pregnant wife so the wife tells them to leave her alone. The boys find a loophole so they talk to her baby bump about how sorry they are to their mama :)

— HAIKYUU BOYS ARGUING WITH YOU WHILE PREGNANT AND APOLOGIZING

ft. timeskip!miya atsumu, iwaizumi hajime, suna rintaro

note: female reader‼️ angst to fluff ‼️different format cos I wanted to write more 🥴 thanks anon! hope you like it 😽 I think I'm gonna do a part two cos this got longer than expected and I couldn't add all the characters! not edited, that's work for tomorrow!

# MIYA ATSUMU

atsumu came home after a rough day at practice, excited to spend some time with you and baby boy that was about to come in just a month

all happiness he had quickly erased when he saw that the home was on the same that when he went to practice, dishes without washing and clothes without fold

" ‘tsumu you're home! we missed you!" he walked past you, he didn't even give you a side look, going directly to the bathroom "‘tsumu all okay? I made your favor–" "could ya please shut up? a come home after working and entire day for ma family and the house is like this? what did ya do the whole day?"

you were stuck in your place with wide eyes and hands over your belly "I'm sorry ‘tsumu, my back hurts a lot today and—" "save it, don’ wanna hear yer excuses"

"go fuck yourself then, miya, sleep in the comfiness of the couch today and don't you dare talk to me until tomorrow" with that you were gone to the master bedroom, fighting the tears that were in your eyes

he thought nothing about it and went to the shower, thinking what was he gonna eat for dinner then go to sleep, tomorrow is a new day

-

freshly out of the shower with pajamas on, he went to the kitchen to eat something, mesmerized when he saw the little note on the oven glass

"enjoy your meal! we love you!<3"

not only that, but that you made his favorite, knowing he was gonna come home late and exhausted after practice

memories of the recent fight came to his mind, he didn't even let you talk your mind, his throat feeling heavy with the guilt that he was experiencing, maybe he should let you talk after all

contradictory to your words, he went runnint to the shared bedroom, ready to apologise for being an ass "baby, yer awake?"

"not for you" you told him trying to hide your sobs, the day was awful, your back didn't let you do anything, the meal you cooked was an hour of fighting the back pain, thinking your ‘tsunj would be happy if he found this

"okay then, good thing a have a baby I can talk to"

he knelt down in front of you, carefully placing his head on the baby bump, caressing it from time to time

"I was an ass, sorry, a bad person to yer mom today baby, a came home and told her bad things, she was hurting and a Didi care, can ya tell her sorry for me?" he felt a kick on his cheek and a smile on his face when he saw you laugh, even with the tear-stained cheeks you were beautiful

" ‘tsumu, not cool what you did today, I wasn't feeling okay and I missed you, we missed you" your voice still a little wiggly after that crying session you had with your maternity pillow

finally, first name privileges, he thought "a know, am sorry, am so sorry, ya deserve so much better angel, am sorry"

"‘s okay tsum, cuddle me as an apologize, yeah?"

he never got into bed at that speed, quickly cuddling you with hands on your tummy while giving little pecks to your neck

"ya don't have to tell me twice"

# IWAIZUMI HAJIME

before and during pregnancy you joined iwaizumi on his works out or runs from time to time, you knew he enjoyed his time doing it so, why don't join him?

today you were not feeling like it, morning sickness took over you and the bed seemed like the best place to stay all day, one day in bed wouldn't hurt, you thought

apparently it stroke a nerve on hajime "what are you doing in the bed? up! we need it go out! " '‘m sorry haji, not really feeling like it today, why don't you go and I make something when you return home?"

"what do you mean 'you don't feel like it' the only thing you do all day is laze around"

you took a deep breath before answering, knowing didn't meant what he say "well I'm sorry I'm pregnant iwaizumi, I can't help it. go on your run and we can eat something together when you return"

"fucking Clara wouldn't put this excuses on me" he murmured under his breath, hoping you didn't heard the mention of his ex partner

"repeat yourself iwaizumi hajime, I'm waiting"

"no baby— I'm sorry, I didn't mean it-"

"go out before I go out by myself iwaizumi, don't bother talk to me the rest of the day, I'm gonna make dinner and leave it on the fridge, I'm also gonna sleep in the guest room. fucking low of you iwaizumi, so fucking low"

he went out with a knot on his throat, he didn't need to bring that up— he knew you weren't feeling your best and then he still played that ex-girlfriend card. on the way back home he picked up flowers knowing you loved them, praying to anyone who was above him for your forgiveness

"I'm home"

"and I told you not to talk to me, iwaizumi"

being petty was right, the mention of his ex while carrying his first daughter because you didn't feel like going out today was bullshit, he didn't have an excuse

he looked down to the floor before closing the door and going to the living room to think about what he did, cheeks red of embarrassment because of his childish behavior

-

he waited for you to be asleep before going into the room, with the idea of carrying your to the king bed instead of this one, after all, he was the one that deserved the uncomfy room

before picking you he saw the pregnant belly, the shirt you were wearing rolled up so it was exposed to the cold air

" ‘m sorry baby, your mama doesn't deserve this, you have the right to be angry with me" tears were pricking his eyes, maybe he was thinking too ahead but would you leave him for this?

"I'm such and asshole, I hope you don't remember that lady's name" he told the fetus as if he was having an actual conversation face to face "behave for mom yeah? don't put more pressure on her than already did" with that he picked you up, without knowing you were fully awake the whole conversation

you let yourself be carried to the big bedroom, once you felt him place you on the bed, you tugged his shirt while looking at him with teary eyes "we need to talk tomorrow but please,stay hajime" you were still mad, but his company is what you were craving right now

"there's no way I'm not staying forever with you"

# SUNA RINTARO

rintaro was coming home late this past weeks but he finally had a free night! so you were excited to spend a bonding time with him and your unborn baby

finishing the little detail on the table such as the dry flowers and the candles, you hear the door being open "rinnie! you finally home! it felt like forever while waiting for you!" he gave you a sweet peck in your lips before going to his room to change his clothes

"oh~ I see you dressed fancy for the occasion! wait for me I think I have a dress that stills fits me!" "what do you mean? I'm going out with the inarizaki boys, kita is in town"

you stopped midway the hall that ended in your room, quickly walking towards your boyfriend again "what do you mean you're going out? what about what I made?"

"you made something?"

it was ridiculous to keep begging, maybe you should call it a day and watch some movies in the couch with a tube of ice cream, alone, again.

"okay then, have fun rin, don't drink to much and come home safe"

-

rin came home after a few hours out, he indeed had a good time with his old teammates but his mind was all the time one you, maybe he should have stay with you, eat some homemade food and cuddle all night while talking about nothing

he entered the house and saw you spread on the couch, huge blanket on with his highschool jersey on, long forgotten night snacks on the night table and Netflix on the tv

it wasn't only that what caught his eye but the table in the kitchen too, he walked towards it and saw it, the candles, the flower carefully placed on the middle of the table, the matching napkins and fancy plates, so that was what you were referring to earlier

guilt creeped all over his body, he didn't acknowledge your efforts to make a night for the both of you, was this negligence? he thought

going again to the couch, bending over so he would be at your height, he placed a hand on your belly before speaking

"you're allowed to be mad at me when you're born baby" he paused for a few seconds, thinking what was he gonna say next "papa is a fucking asshole— sorry, don't say that, papa is very clumsy from time to time"

"Rin?"

there you were! his hand came quickly behind your neck, pressing your forehead and noses together, lips brushing each other

"I'm sorry I'm so stupid— fuck, I really don't want to cry right now, I'm an horrible person"

you cupped his face with both your hands, eyes teary about to cry for a second time that day "you're not horrible Rin, it's just it feels lonely you know?" tears already going down your cheek, the sight made his heart ache, you were crying because of him

"I know you're out there trying to be the best for us but" your voice wiggly, you were really trying to hide the sobs you had inside "but sometimes it feels like you're not around anymore, I can't share the little moments I have because I wake up to an empty bed and go to sleep with the thought of you being out" full sobs were coming out of you at this point, days of pain finally reaching their point "and it hurts so bad not to have you around"

rintaro was crying along with you, you could feel his wet tears on your neck, where he was placing his head "and your absolutely right angel, I'm gonna be better for you– for the both of you, what about I take the day off tomorrow, yeah?" his quavering voice betraying him, even if you knew he was crying he wanted to be strong

"that sounds perfect rin... come cuddle me?"

carrying you bridal style to the bedroom, he lit your favorite candle and snuggled you under the cost sheets

"cuddle you, all day long baby"