#also i own ketchup at home it would be dumb to buy it

[fragglez]

going through the actual hardest experience just to order take out pizza I will never survive living on my own

[exhaslo]

I love your stories it feels like I'm actually in it, I mostly like Mafia Miguel x shy reader.... But anyway if you seen Jennifer's body i can see Miguel being Jennifer and the reader being his friend. If you're taking requests may I have Jennifer's body au with Miguel O'Hara x reader? Thank you. 🥰😍 The ending ended up being together can add smut as well to it?

I actually never seen that movie because I am a wimp when it comes to anything horror, except animal horror. Place Jaws in front of me anyway and I'm down. But, I read a quick summary of the movie and I will make some small changes, you know, to sastify our needs haha.

Also, so sorry this was late. I'm still catching up to last month's requests!!

Warning: MINORS DNI, smut, p in v, murder, blood, possession, shower sex, oral (f recieving)

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You knew something was wrong.

You knew that something had changed.

But, what were you supposed to do? Miguel was your best friend and he meant everything. He was your world. The two of you had been together since you were young, to leave him as he was now, would be the worst thing ever.

Rewind a few weeks ago. You and Miguel were just chilling after work at a local bar. Your cheeks were flushed as Miguel kept buying the two of you drinks. It was frustrating how much you loved your best friend. He was just so perfect, both at work and outside.

Hearing a local band start to play, you leaned against Miguel, complaining to him about work. The night was pretty vague after that, but you did recall a fire and Miguel bringing you home. After that he disappeared for the night.

When you awoke the next day, you found Miguel passed out on the couch with what looked like blood on his clothes. You thought nothing of it since Miguel would never do something drastic or crazy like murdering someone. So, you assumed it was ketchup and proceeded to help Miguel out of his clothes.

"What would I do without you?" Miguel mumbled under his breathe as you took his shirt off.

"I don't know, stay in gross clothes?" You said with a chuckle and fixed his hair, "Go wash up. The girls at work will go crazy over this bed hair of yours."

Miguel grunted and playfully used you to stand. You laughed and whined towards him, finishing up for work. The two of you shared a place only to help you with you rent. Miguel was perfectly fine with his own place, he was just helping you.

You first noticed something was off when you arrived at work that same day. Miguel was normal with you, but he had started to get flirty with some of your female coworkers. Miguel never payed any mind to any of them, so it kind of hurt to watch.

As the days went by, you couldn't help but notice some of your coworkers going missing. You tried to ask Miguel about it, but he just shrugged and reassured you that it was probably nothing. Of course, you wanted to believe him...but each of those girls who went missing were ones that Miguel flirted with.

"Miguel?" You called out, entering his lab. Miguel glanced towards you, his smile widening,

"(Y/N), climbed out of the library to see me?" He teased. You plopped yourself over Miguel, sighing heavily,

"Lemme vent for two minutes!" You whined, throwing your arms over his shoulders, "That jerk over in IT had the gal to ask me out on a date, Miggy! After he insulted my 'tiny' brain last week!" You huffed. Miguel felt his eye twitch as he pulled you onto his lap,

"Did you tell him no?" He asked, his tone getting a little harsher. You leaned against Miguel, pouting,

"Of course I said no..." You whimpered and crossed your arms, "He called me a dumb bitch after that...That all I do is..."

"Is what?" Miguel fixed you on his lap, wanting to hear the rest.

"Is...be your fuck toy..." You mumbled lowly.

Miguel felt his lips twitch into a smirk before pulling you into a hug. His warm embrace relaxing you while his mind started to race. Tonight was going to have a bitter taste compared to the rest. Once you were calmed down, Miguel stroked your cheeks,

"Don't pay any mind to him. Go home and order whatever you want with my card. I'll be there late."

"Miggy, you don't-"

"I want too," Miguel rested his forehead against yours, "We're best friends. Let me take care of you," He whispered.

--------

You should have known something was wrong. Miguel always had his barriers and lines, but he was willingly crossing all of them. It felt like you were getting closer to Miguel in a different light, and you weren't sure how to feel about it.

Waiting for Miguel to return home, you started to put away some of the food and clean. He did say that he was going to be late, but it was reaching midnight. It was nerve racking having to wait for him to return home.

"Ugh,"

You gasped upon hearing the door. Rushing over, you saw Miguel leaning over the counter, coughing into the sink. Grabbing a bottle of water, you hurried to Miguel's side and gasped at the sight. He was covered in blood and throwing up something black and icky.

"Miguel?! Are you alright?! Did you get hurt?!" You panicked, fixing his hair and checking his body. Miguel wavered in place and wrapped his arms around you,

"I'm fine...(Y/N)...Don't worry about me," He mumbled into your neck. You frowned, leading him to the bathroom,

"I have to worry about you, who else will?" You told him, setting the water, "What happened?"

"Nothing,"

"Please, Miguel. Let me be here for you," You nearly cried, using a soft wet rag to clean the blood around his face, "Please," You sobbed.

Miguel sighed heavily as he brought you against his chest. His breathing was staggered and heavy against your ear, using you as a sort of comfort. His grip tighten ever so slightly around your waist.

"I fucked up, (Y/N). I fucked up so bad," He whispered. You frowned and fixed his hair, "That night of the fire...I went after the assholes since you almost got hurt. I followed them into this alley and I don't know what the hell they were trying to do but...I ended up getting possessed by...something."

"Possessed?" You questioned. Miguel closed his eyes and nuzzled his head into the crook of your neck,

"I guess I was supposed to be a sacrifice or something? But, I didn't met the criteria and this demon took over. I'm always hungry, (Y/N), always." You felt a sudden chill run down your spine as Miguel's hands crawled up your back, "I can't stop...but when I'm with you, I can feel it relax."

"The demon?" You questioned. Miguel leaned back, fangs poking out of his teeth,

"I won't ever hurt you, (Y/N). I'll always protect you."

"Same, Miggy, but if you're in trouble...Please let me help you," You begged him once more.

Miguel inhaled deeply as you stroked his face once more. He lazily glanced towards you, leaning forward to kiss your lips. You made a small squeak as his hands kept you in place. Miguel grunted as he forced his tongue into your mouth, hungrily.

But not for flesh.

Lifting you up with ease, Miguel pressed you back against the shower wall, ignoring the running water. His groan rumbled against his throat as he started to feel your body lean into his. Miguel was hungry for you. You tasted so sweet against him.

"Miguel," You whispered, breaking the kiss. Miguel rested his forehead against yours, letting the water run down your soaked clothes,

"When I'm with you, I don't hunger for flesh," He whispered, wrapping your legs around his waist, "I want you...maybe...Just maybe, I won't have to suffer like this...if you let me have you."

You furrowed your brows with concern as Miguel spoke. Flesh? Right when you were going to ask him, Miguel captured your lips into another, rougher kiss. His hands pulling your shirt up, exposing your breasts underneath.

"Let me have you, (Y/N)," Miguel begged, kissing and sucking against your neck.

You felt your mind grow hazy as Miguel kept his antics. This was something you had always dreamed of. You tried to reply to Miguel, but moaned instead as he started to nipple and play with your breasts. You needed to ask him more about his demon.

"Mig-" You shivered as he started to rut into you, grunting and moaning with each grind.

"(Y/N), you're mine. Mine, only. I'll eat anyone who dares try to take you away from me," Miguel hissed, taking off your pajama pants.

"Miguel, w-what do you mean b-by eat?" You finally asked. Miguel glanced towards you once more, lifting your hips to his face, "W-Wait-"

You gasped and moaned loudly as Miguel's tongue started to swirl around your clit and pussy. Your hands gripped his hair as you arched your back, crying out in pleasure. Miguel's tongue was lapping up your juices hungrily, holding your hips in place.

You felt your core burn as you slowly moved your hips to Miguel's movements. Trembling as you felt his tongue enter your cunt, you cried out as you felt your orgasm approaching fast. Miguel hummed in response, slowly pulling away from your dripping pussy,

"This taste much better," He said with a groan before going back to suck on your clit.

"Ah~ Miguel~!" You cried out. Miguel watched you contort your face in pleasure, crying out his name,

"(Y/N), if I eat you like this everyday..." Miguel groaned as he lowered you, pressing your face against the shower wall, "Then I won't have to feast on others. I can feel it...the demon enjoying this too."

"M-Miggy," You whimpered softly.

"Let me devour you,"

You gasped and moaned as you felt Miguel shove his cock into you deeply. Tears began to roll down your cheeks from the sudden intrusion as he filled you to the brim. Your pussy convulsed around his dick, sucking him in as you cam heavily.

You tried to grip onto the shower wall, but it was no use. Miguel held your hips, pounding into your poor fleshy cunt. Your moans grew louder with each slap of his hips, feeling pure pleasure. The size of his dick was stretching you out, kissing every part of your pussy.

"(Y/N), you feel so good," Miguel grunted, slapping his balls against your clit with each thrust, "Thank you for this meal, I'll make sure to fill you up too," He said with a grunt.

You cried and moan as you cam against Miguel's dick. Your vision blurring as the shower water poured against your skin. Miguel's grunts and moans turning you on even more. You gasped as Miguel lifted you up, inserting himself again as he kissed you.

"Mhm~ Miguel~!" You cried, wrapping your arms around his neck. Miguel held you close, inhaling your scent as he fucked you stupid,

"I won't ever hurt you, (Y/N). Never," He repeated, watching you cream against his cock once more, "We're best friends, forever, right?"

"Yes! Yes!" You cried, trembling as you felt Miguel fill you with his cum, "Ah~ I-I help...c-control this..."

"Thank you, (Y/N)." Miguel hummed, kissing you in response.

By the time you recovered from the rapid sex session, Miguel went into more detail about what happened with him. You were terrified at first since now you knew that it was Miguel who killed your coworkers, but you also understood.

There was no curing Miguel. At least the two of you found out how to control the demon possessing him. Miguel didn't need to eat flesh anymore, all he needed was you.

"Fuck, more (Y/N), just once more." Miguel grunted as he fucked your pussy from behind, "I can't stand seeing another man get near you."

"Miguel~ Miguel~" You cried into the pillow, gripping the bedsheets under your. Miguel hissed lowly as he gripped your hips tighter, pounding your pussy a bit more harshly,

"Mine! Mine! Mine! If I can't fuck some sense into you, then I'll eat them," He hissed lowly. You cried out, cumming against his dick once more, milking him dry for his cum,

"I understand, Miggy~ Hah~ Hah~ O-Only I can ease your hunger," You whimpered lowly. Miguel kissed your back, giving you soft, gentle thrusts,

"I know, (Y/N). I know, don't mind me," He whispered, apologizing for his tone, "Thank you for the meal...now and forever."

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Like I said, never watched Jennifer's Body, but hopefully this was okay and somewhat...what the movie wanted? Idk man, maybe one day I'll grow a pair and watch some horror movies.

Hope you enjoyed!!

[someonewhowannadielol]

inevitable love (Yandere!Taehyung x SmolBaby!Reader)

You obviously couldn’t take care of yourself, so Kim Taehyung took matters in his own hands. Literally.

Warning: Harassment, loads of capitalism (kinda ironic that I hate capitalism, considering I’m an Econ student sigh), big dog chase idrk, y/n complains a lot lmao also she’s textbook smart but lowkey dumb,,, like me, I'm literally y/n anywaYS 

CHAPTER ONE (Honestly, its more of a prologue)

P.S Sorry, this one's mostly focused on Y/N, I promise Taehyung will make it in the next chap! 

Word Count: 1.4k

This was ridiculous. You had graduated from one of the finest business schools in the world, yet, here you were, sitting in your shabby studio apartment, listening to another rejection after the countless job interviews while watching the paint peel off the walls. You never really thought life would lead to this, you sitting here on your mattress, eating (probably uncooked) ramen, and crossing another job opportunity. The ramen wasn’t that bad, there were no complaints about it from your side anyways, because you couldn’t cook for shit and any food other than premade food was a waste in this household. You still have nightmares about the incident when you accidentally forgot to take off the plastic packaging off the sliced cheese before making a cheese sandwich in the microwave. Only to watch the microwave - and the cheese – explode in front your eyes. The poor baby.

Glancing at your watch, you realize that you have to head downtown to your job – which was paid under minimum wage, but it did make you better off than the homeless, and the jobless. You could still afford at least one meal a day (Was cup ramen considered a meal?) and the chef at the diner would sneakily give you food, sigh, he was so nice. Sometimes, you look back, and think where things went wrong. You were basically a child genius, always a couple classes ahead of your peers, you got almost got a perfect score on the SAT at the first try (it was a 1560!), you got your bachelor’s degree at the age of 18, instead of the usual 22. You look back and see how you used to think that you could afford a luxurious penthouse apartment in Manhattan and pay off your student loans within a year, while working in one of the best companies in world.

You did have the textbook knowledge, but who was there to teach you about the practical world? The real world? The textbooks didn’t teach you how to pay your water and electricity bills, they didn’t teach you how to hold your tears back when the landlord puts a suggestive hand on your waist, they didn’t teach you how to accept countless rejections, or how to use coupons while grocery shopping, or how to ignore the everyday catcalls, or how to walk through the streets at night. They didn’t teach you how to cope with the fact that your father died but you didn’t have enough money for a flight back to your hometown, they didn’t teach you how to not shout at your mother who got a new family, they didn’t teach you the reality.

So, here you were, two years later, serving disgusting men who harassed you, while wearing a skirt that was too short for your liking and heels that made your feet ache every single day. Somehow, it was worse today. Your hair wouldn’t co-operate, your mascara had officially dried out and no amount of contact solution could revive it from its flaky texture, your manager basically manipulated you to wear red lipstick, and these goddamn heels won’t stop hurting your feet.

At this point, I’m just going to die from the chronic feet pain, you thought.

It was just an endless day of serving, picking up dirty dishes, and of course, ignoring the occasional disgusting words of “endearment” from your customers. You were just picking up the mess of ketchup left by a couple of rowdy boys who sat here 15 minutes earlier, repeatedly asking for your number. Interesting enough, despite all the catcalling, you can only recall four people asking for your number.

The first one had been a wannabe bike rider, he was tall, around 6’4 – give or take – and quite chunky with a full curly beard down to his chest. Despite knowing some people who would dig this vibe, you personally didn’t love the entire ensemble. In fact, you cringed whenever you saw these people perform their tricks on the streets (You cringed even more when you saw them fall and smash their head open. Yikes).

You remember, it was your third day at the newly acquired job, and while you weren’t all that ecstatic to start working here (You were already looking for other, more well paid jobs with more benefits), you still respected the job requirement and went up to the customer and asked, “What would you like to order, sir?” in your sweetest voice possible.

“Well, what’s on the special menu?”

Special menu? You weren’t informed about any special menu, maybe your manager forgot to tell you?

“I’m sorry, I’m quite new here, I’ll go confirm this special menu with my manager,” and just as you tried to go to your manager – who by the way had been keeping an eye on you since you got here, you could say she wasn’t exactly fond of you – scary biker dude grabbed your wrist, a little too tight to be called comfortable, and you couldn’t help but wince.

“Oh sweetheart, you’re the first and only item on the special menu. And I’d like to order that, with a side of Vanilla milkshake,”

Okay, crinnngggeee.

And then, as impossible as it seemed, you were forced to smile and laugh it off, even if it disgusted you to the core. And then, you were manipulated to hand over your phone number.

Just go with the flow, Y/N, just go with the flow. Block it later, no worries.

He was known to be a usual customer, but surprisingly, he didn’t actually ever come to the diner after that, nor did he call you. Now that you notice, no one you gave your number to, actually did call you. Whether it was the biker, or the druggie, or the 50-year-old man who promised to buy you a yacht. Eh, he was so old, he probably died on his way home. So, you never knew whether to take it as an insult, or a blessing.

Well, this day was almost over until 5 minutes before closing down, a bunch of people, who were probably high, because of the unmistakable scent of weed coming from them – came and demanded to be served. Of course, the manager could score any penny she could, so of course, you were forced to work overtime again. Without getting paid.

Finally, a little after 1am, you could take off these horrid heels and slip into the much comfier sketchers. Sure, you had glued them a couple of times, and sure, they kept on breaking because you’ve had them since high school, but it’s okay. You’ll live.

You were halfway down the route to your house, as you tried to rub your fingers together and somehow magically take away the freezing wind this cold night brought. As you walked, you attempted to feel your phone in your back pocket – annddd just when you thought your day couldn’t get any worse. You’d probably left it back in your locker or your apron’s pocket and for a second you contemplated whether it would be worth it to go all the way back at 2am to get you phone. You almost decided against it, but remembered that you would get the confirmation call from the job interview you gave on Thursday, anytime tomorrow. And so, you decided to go back. Well, this was one of the worst decisions of your life. Scratch that, it was the worst decision of your life.

You reached the diner in approximately 10 minutes, but obviously, everything was locked and there was no way you’d sneak in there because, phew, if you got caught you’d lose the only job you have. Just as you turned back, you saw the biggest fucking dog you’ve ever seen. You didn’t know much about dogs, except for the fact that you’re shitless scared of the big, scary ones – and this was definitely a big, scary one. His fur was coated with black, brown and red spots, about half your height, and had teeth that could tear a human in mere seconds.

You didn’t really know whether to run or gently walk away, making it think you weren’t a threat – you took a couple slow steps back while looking at it in the eye, but you’re a dumbass and suddenly decided to run. Somehow along the run you lost the dog. And one of your shoes. And your apartment keys. And your bag which contained this week’s paycheck.

Well, you were fucked.

A/N: Please do give feedback! Also, tell me if you want to be on the taglist for this!

[artificialqueens]

Come Home to My Heart, Chapter 2 (Lemyanka) - Plastiquedoll

read on ao3 ✨| chapter 1

A/N: hiii, this is chapter 2 of this lemyanka childhood friends, friends to lovers, idiots to lovers whatever you wanna call it. I really wanted to play with the time skips to show different parts of their lives together throughout the years so this is a continuation from chapter 1 a few years later. thanks for reading <3

-2-

At the age of thirteen, there were many things Priyanka loved. The list included: electric blue glittery nail polish, writing her name with a golden pen, pop music and girl groups-especially Britney Spears and The Spice Girls-, any movie with Lindsay Lohan in it, acting in the school productions -especially if she got the main role-, sleepovers over Lemon’s house where they secretly watched The O.C., seeing films with Lemon without an “adult” with them, re-acting scenes of the Cheetah Girls movie with Lemon…

She was at Lemon’s a lot.

The thing was, Lemon was the only child of her parent’s marriage, her parents both worked, and most of the time she had the house on her own. For Priyanka -who lived with her siblings and her parents and couldn’t spare one second of privacy at her own home- it was like paradise. They did everything together, on the weekdays they did homework together and afterward, they would lay in the blonde’s room reading magazines and cutting pictures of celebrities and clothes they liked, or listen to a new CD they had been saving for weeks to buy for hours until they knew the lyrics by heart.

Her room had yellow walls -big shocker- and it was covered in posters and pictures with Priyanka, white carpet on the floor, and a mix of Barbie dolls and makeup over the boudoir. She also had a large single bed only for herself with like a million fluffy pillows they had shared more than once.

Lemon had ballet classes three times per-week and Priyanka had rehearsals with the drama club but those were the only moments they were apart. Being childhood friends, their parents got into the obligation of sending them to the same primary school after finishing kindergarten and now they would attend the same secondary school once summer was over.

It was a warm day of summer, Lemon rolled over her bed and showed Priyanka an item she liked, Crazy in Love by Beyoncé played on the radio while the other girl was trying to cover a pimple on her chin with some foundation she had bought in the mall.

“You’re going to make it worse.” Lemon made her remove her hands.

“It hurts, it’s like a little red dot full of hate.”

“Use toothpaste instead.”

“Does it work?”

“Allegedly.” She shrugged. “I read it somewhere.”

“Okay… What did you want to show me?”

“Look at these,” she pointed at a picture of Hillary Duff. “I need those shoes.”

“That’s a pump.” Priyanka said, unimpressed.

“But it’s pink and yellow. How you don’t like the gradient in the colors? I’m in love.”

“Can you even walk with heels?”

She rolled her eyes. “Of course I can. When you’re short like me, you gotta have some options.”

Priyanka couldn’t argue with that, for her age she was already one of the tallest girls in the classroom. Sometimes she disliked being that tall, she felt like a little deer that couldn’t control its feet, wobbling around awkwardly.

Her best friend flipped a few more pages.

“Look! It’s a poster of Ryan Gosling from that movie… The Notebook.” She sounded excited.

Right. They were supposed to be excited about handsome muscle guys but there was something about it that didn’t click with Priyanka. She thought maybe she was just too young to get it, that when she’d grow older she’d get the feeling but until then, she had become very good at pretending.

“Oh, he’s so hot.” She hoped Lemon didn’t notice the fakeness of her voice.

“I know, right?” She giggled. “Do you want his picture?”

“Ah… you can keep it… I already have Leonardo DiCaprio’s and that’s just too many white guys.”

“Alright.” She picked a pair of scissors and started cutting the actor’s silhouette. The pair of dark-framed glasses she had on kept sliding down her nose bridge.

Priyanka smiled fondly at it.

“I’m home!” It was Lemon’s mom that had just returned from work.

Lemon jumped out of the bed and stood in the door’s frame. She looked even smaller in that oversized t-shirt of the Powerpuff Girls and shorts she wore as pajamas. Her hair was tied in a messy ponytail that brushed her shoulder blades.

“Hi, mom.” She yelled. “Priyanka’s here!”

“Hi, Priyanka!”

“Hello, Mrs. Baptsita!”

Priyanka adored Mrs. Baptista, she was a little wacky for Lemon’s taste but it was because she was younger than most moms with kids their age. She liked Priyanka and she supported their friendship since kindergarten, called them the Ketchup&Mustard duo since that Halloween they had matching costumes.

“Is she staying for dinner?”

Lemon turned around. “Are you staying for dinner?”

Priyanka shrugged. “Sure.”

“She is mom!”

“I’m making spaghetti!”

“Sound good!” She turned back to Priyanka again. “I hope you like spaghetti.”

“You know I do.”

Just a couple of minutes later, they heard the sound of Mr. Baptista’s car at the entrance.

“That’s my dad.” Lemon pointed.

“Hello, I’m home.”

“Hi, dad! Priyanka’s here.”

“Hi Lemon drop, hi Priyanka!”

“Hello, Mr. Baptista!”

Lemon grinned but not even five minutes later than her father’s arrival, the vibe of the kitchen changed and it was clear by the sound of their voices, her parents were arguing. Another argument…

“I swear to God… this is the third time this week."

Lemon sat on the edge of the bed and buried her face in her hands. She looked tired.

Priyanka gently touched her knee offering some comfort. Lemon pulled a weak smile that faded as soon as the voices increased in volume.

"Hey, I have some extra cash, wanna get some pizza?” Priyanka offered.

Lemon bit her bottom lip and nodded. “Let’s go.”

Lemon changed her shorts for pants and put on a pair of sneakers, then she grabbed her keys and both of them were out of the house. It wasn’t that late yet and there was a pizza place a few blocks away they could get on foot; they walked in silence until Lemon’s house was behind, then the blonde let a big sigh out of her chest.

“Pri, I can’t do this…” She sounded fragile as if she was holding the pieces together trying not to break with all her strengths.

Priyanka ran her arm over her shoulder and held her when she seemed about to fall.

“It’s okay, I’m sure they are going to work it out.”

Lemon snorted. “They started going to couple’s counseling and it got worse, they have pretty solid arguments to fight now.”

Priyanka covered her mouth holding back the laughter. “Sorry.”

“You dumb bitch.” Lemon shook her head.

They walked hugged like that the rest of the way, ate greasy pizza with extra cheese, and returned to a sepulchral silent house. Priyanka laid on the bed next to her, so close yet so far. If she extended her hand just a little more, she could touch her shoulder, make sure she was okay but for some reason, she couldn’t. Yet, she hoped that being there for her friend was enough then.

On the other side, Lemon had her eyes wide open, unable to drift off when her mind was going through a million different scenarios. Everything could only go downhill from there.

They didn’t know at that moment but the worst was yet to come.

She dashed out of the house as soon as she got the phone call, barely having the chance to put on a helmet before grabbing her bike. Priyanka was still catching her breath by the time Lemon opened the door.

Her face was bathed in tears, her eyes completely red and she couldn’t stop crying not even to explain what had happened. Priyanka had a vague idea judging by what was said on the phone but it wasn’t until she saw her friend she knew it was bad. Very bad.

Lemon wasn’t the most physically affectionate person in the world but she let Priyanka hug her and cried it out on her chest. They sat on the porch until the blonde began to calm down and could explain it better.

“Pri, they… they are getting divorced. It’s all happening so fast.”

Priyanka held her hand and squeezed it lightly. Lemon looked at her hand and then at her face, her eyes flooded with tears again.

“Hey,” The brunette tried to comfort her. “I’m so sorry, I know you love them both and they love you very much but this is probably for the best.”

“No, Pri, you don’t understand. They are… separating for real. They talked about lawyers and My mom she…” Lemon sobbed. “She wants us to move out…”

“Oh, I mean, that’s normal like-”

“…to New York.” Her voice was weak, defeated.

It took Priyanka a moment to process the newly acquired information.

“New York?!” She repeated in disbelief.

“Apparently, she has a job offer there, and… they think it’s for the best to put some distance between them.”

“I get the ‘moving out thing’ and the distance but that’s a completely different country!”

“I know! That’s what I said. Tell me I’m right, she’s out of her mind.”

“But wait, when does she want you to move out? What about school?”

“She thinks it’s a good idea if we go before the new semester starts so we can settle in and…”

“No, the new semester starts in two weeks… What about your dance lessons? Your life here?”

What about us?

“She said there are plenty of dance academies over there… That I would do fine. I hate it. This doesn’t go with the plan we had.”

Priyanka and Lemon had a life plan since they were ten, sealed with a pinky promise. They were going to graduate high school together and go to university in Toronto where they both would be roommates throughout college. It was their way of being together, to accomplish things in the company of the other, a sign of their unbreakable friendship.

“Wait but… what about your dad?” Can’t you stay with him?“ There was a hint of hope in Priyanka’s voice.

Lemon stared at the wooden floor of the porch for the longest time before looking back at her friend.

"I can’t. My dad travels a lot for business and while he’s going to remain here… my mom gave me no choice. They even said that it’s either New York or some boarding school in Quebec.”

Lemon surely had gone mad about it for her parents to threaten her like that, it didn’t sound like the Baptistas at all.

“This can’t be…” Priyanka shook her head. The tears felt warm on her cheeks.

“We’re leaving next week.”

“No…no, that’s… that’s too soon. You can’t leave… who’s going to help me buy a new outfit for the first day? Who’s going through the first day of school with me?”

“I hate to think about it. They really think this is for the best and then decide to drag me to a different country for the first year of school… «You have to be reasonable» they said, but they are the ones that come with these ideas out of blue.”

It was too sudden it made Priyanka felt dizzy; she couldn’t even begin to imagine what her friend was feeling like.

She squeezed her hand again. “It’s going to be okay.”

“You keep saying that but-” Lemon shook her head.

“Because it is going to be okay. I promise you, we’ll still be together, and… maybe we don’t get to attend the same high-school but we can still go to college together, the plan can still work out.”

“Are you sure?”

“Completely. You’re my best friend in the world; nothing is going to change that.”

Lemon smiled for the first time after getting the news of her parents’ divorce.

“Thanks, Pri.” She went for a hug and was received with open arms.

They hugged for a while without saying a single word, in that situation, words were unnecessary.

The day of Lemon’s moving, ironically the sun was shining and Priyanka kept reminding herself that in different circumstances they’d be at the park with their bikes or at the local pool but no, she was heading to her best friend’s house to say the last goodbye.

Priyanka hadn’t cried in front of her since that day on the porch but she had cried a lot when no one was seeing her. She was sad, upset, and mad about the situation but she didn’t want Lemon to leave with a sad note. So she went ahead and planned a week dedicated to her best friend, to enjoy the things they loved the most.

They had made each other friendship bracelets with their names –Priyanka was red and orange and it had a little golden star hanging next to her name; Lemon’s was pink and yellow and a butterfly next to hers- they had movie nights and sleepovers, karaoke sessions and dancing marathons every day until that awful day arrived.

Priyanka rode her bike like she had done millions of times before. There was a «FOR SALE» sign hanging outside and she hated it with all her soul. There was a truck parked outside as well with many boxes stacked inside and some furniture pieces they were taking to New York. Lemon was sitting on the porch’s stairs with a backpack on, the scene was oddly familiar and for a second time stopped.

She didn’t notice Priyanka’s presence until the brunette touched her shoulder.

“You’re here.” She said and did her best to smile.

“Where else I’d be?”

Lemon stood on her feet and hugged her, Priyanka hugged her back.

“Promise me you’re going to wait for my calls every week… and that you’re not going to have another best friend… ever.” Lemon sobbed on her shoulder.

“I promise it.” Priyanka patted her back in a calming gesture.

“I’ll visit on holidays, my dad is probably going to get a shitty apartment but still, I’ll be here.”

“I know you will.”

Lemon let go of her embrace. “Thank you, Pri. You’re my best friend in the world.”

“I know, right?”

The blonde giggled. “You’re so stupid…”

“Luce, get in the car, it’s time to go.” Her mom called her as she carried one last box.

“I have to go now. I already said good-bye to my dad; he had a flight to catch early but… It feels so empty without him here.”

“Lemz, I’m sorry.” She hugged her one more time. It was quick but it lingered. “Take care and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do in New York.”

“That sets the bar very low, don’t you think?”

Priyanka laughed. “I’ll miss you like crazy.”

“Me too.”

Lemon’s mom waved in their direction, the car was already on and the truck was closed and packed.

“Well, I guess this is our goodbye for now.”

“Count the days because I’m going to be back in no time, okay?”

She nodded.

“Love you, Pri.”

“Love you too.”

And with that said, Lemon started walking toward the car. It was painful to watch her leave but Priyanka didn’t want to look away, she wanted to remember it all until they could meet again.

The car started moving but stopped abruptly as Lemon opened the door and ran back to where Priyanka was.

“Lemon, what…?”

“I almost forgot, I was supposed to give you this the first day of school but…” She was out of breath. Suddenly a brand new CD of Spiceworld was on Priyanka’s hands. “You were so sad when your sister broke the one you had worked so hard to buy and I thought…”

Priyanka was hugging her again. “Oh, Lemon…”

“Please don’t forget me.”

Her mom honked at them, the truck was already hitting the road.

Lemon walked back and this time, she left for real.

[master-sass-blast]

Five Times it Was Yours and Wade’s Fault and One Time it Wasn’t.

TIME TO GET FUCKY.

Summary: Five times that you and Wade caused some level of destruction and-or chaos at for the X-Men --and one time that it actually wasn't either of your faults.

Rating: T for language, mild-moderate verbal abuse, and mildly inappropriate hijinks.

Pairing(s): Piotr Rasputin x Reader and (somewhat) implied Jean Grey/Scott Summers.

Set before “Questions and Answers” but after “Of First Dates and Not So First Kisses.”

Author’s Note: Scott is arguably the worst behaved in the “+1″ bit of this fic. This whole thing is just a bunch of crack and comedy, so don’t worry about missing any sort of plot if you skip that part. Also, this doesn’t really contribute anything plot/characterization-wise to the series, so if you want/need to skip it because of the mild-to-moderate verbal abuse coming from Scott --or if you’re a Scott fan and don’t want to see him getting shit on--then don’t worry, you won’t miss anything crucial.

Taglist: @chromecutie, @marvel-is-perfection, @super-darkcloudstudent, @girl-obsessed-with-things

1. El Pantalones Del Fuego, Except the Pants Are Water, and the Water is Your Swimming Pool, and Yeah, It’s Our Fault, but in Our Defense, It Looks Cool.

 “Wade! Y/N!”

The merc-with-a-mouth in question quickly kicks several containers labelled “heptane” behind him and out of view, while you just try to look as innocent as possible. “Yeah?” the two of you answer simultaneously.

Scott Summers, looking suitably shocked and unquestionably enraged, makes various noises of disbelief while gesturing at the swimming pool on Xavier’s property –which, thanks to the wonderful principles of Chemistry, is currently on fire. “How? How did you even do this?”

“We didn’t do anything,” you lie as more residents and students run over to see what’s going on. “This just… happened.”

“No –no! You two absolutely had something to do with thi—”

“It’s water on fire,” Wade says, barely suppressing the mirth in his voice. “Come on, Clopsie, even I don’t have that kind of power.”

You hide a smirk with your hand as Scott continues to freak out. Yeah, but chemicals sure do.

 ***

 2. Granted, We May Not Have a Future as Car Detailers, but This Still Looks Cool. Also, You’re Out of Sticky Notes.

 Fact: The standard Post-It note is three inches long by three inches wide, giving it a surface area of nine square inches.

Fact: Thanks to quote estimates for vehicle wrapping surfaces, you know that the average surface area for a four door sedan is about two hundred forty three-square feet, the average van is around two hundred ninety-seven square feet, and no one seems to have average measurements for SUVs, but most of the quote estimates start at over ten thousand dollars for those, which has to mean something.

Fact: If you try to add all those together, then convert them to inches, then multiply by the number of cars in the garage at the Institute, then divide by the surface area of a sticky note… you quickly remember why you tutor in writing and not in math.

What you do know is that you and Wade stay up the entire night of the thirty-first of March to cover every single “X-Mobile” (save for the jets, because not even Wade is crazy enough to try and cover those in Post-It notes) in sticky notes, and by the time it’s 8:45 AM, you’ve gone through well over two hundred packs of sticky notes, you’re both exhausted as fuck, and every single car has a dick made out of sticky notes somewhere on its body.

You and Wade grin, then exchange equally tired fist bumps.

Scott’s reaction is going to be legendary.

 ***

 3. Look, It Started Out as Wondering if You Could Fill A House With Enough Balloons to Lift It Off Its Foundation, Sort of Like a Bootleg “UP,” and Then We Found Out You Could Order Balloons En Mass from Amazon, and –Look—at Least We Got Latex-Free Balloons, so That Should Count for Something, Right?

 “This was incredibly wasteful, not to mention time consuming—”

“You got that right,” Wade interjects, voice pitched up and squeaky from the helium he keeps inhaling from one of the –many, many, many—balloons that the two of you used to fill the X-Mansion.

As in the whole mansion. Every single room, all three floors, and the training rooms, too.

You’d thought your fingers were going to fall off from tying off all the balloons.

(One of Wade’s actually did.)

“I am very disappointed in both of you,” Piotr continues, looking every bit the stern, steel disciplinarian with his arms crossed over his chest and his brow furrowed.

You suck in some helium from a balloon, then grin cheekily up at your boyfriend. “Sorry, baby,” you apologize, voice sounding like a cartoon character’s. “Won’t happen again.”

“Dorogoy… please.”

“Sorry.” You gulp down regular air until your voice is back at its normal pitch. “Look, we were just trying to see if we could pull an ‘UP’—”

“Myshka.”

You quickly alter course. “Hey, you have to admit that the kids are having a good time with it.”

Piotr looks over at the front of the house, where the students are delightedly shoving balloons out of the open doors and windows and releasing them to the sky, and smiles softly. “Perhaps. But that does not change that you two are in great deal of trouble. Or that you two will have to clean up all mess from prank.”

“We figured,” you say with a reassuring smile.

“We did?” Wade asks.

You kick your honorary brother in the shins to get him to comply, then grin up at your boyfriend. “We’ve got it covered, babe. No worries.”

Piotr fixes Wade with a stern look, but it softens when he looks over at you. He kisses the top of your head –gently, ever mindful of his strength—then heads off to help corral the students, seemingly satisfied with the reception of his lecture.

Wade heaves a sigh next to you. “Man,” he grumbles, voice still squeaky. “Cleaning up is gonna suck.”

“Yeah,” you agree before sucking down more helium to pitch your voice up once more. “And not in the fun way.”

The two of you laugh –then laugh again at how your laughter sounds—and collapse against the front lawn like the delighted dumbass duo you are.

(The clean-up does suck, though.)

 ***

 4. Okay, Fair Enough, This is a Waste of Food, But We Bought It With Our Own Money, and –Hey—You Have To Admit You Weren’t Expecting It.

 Wade buys the Poptarts. So many Poptarts. More than a year’s supply of Poptarts, even.

He also procures the glue and does glue application, since you’re doing –arguably—the most physically demanding part of the prank.

“What on Earth made you two think that gluing Poptarts to ceiling was a good idea!” Scott snaps, looking like he’s two seconds away from having a coronary.

Which, granted, is basically Mission Accomplished.

“Look, I understand you might suspect Wade,” you start, “but I—”

“Zip it!” Scott snarls, face red and shoulders heaving. “You’re the only person dumb enough to partner up with that.” He points at Wade. “So, don’t even try the ‘I’m so innocent’ act that you use on your boyfriend to get away with murder. It’s not going to work on me!”

You narrow your eyes into an irritated glare. “Who the fuck are you calling ‘dumb?’”

 ***

 5. Hey, All We Did Was What You Asked of Us. Mostly.

 After the “House Full of Balloons” and “Poptarts on the Ceiling” incidents, the two of you are asked to “please, scale back your exploits and consider the wastefulness of your pranks and the ruckus you create, thank you.”

So, you and Wade do just that. No more expensive, house-wide pranks. No more wasting huge amounts of supplies or food.

In fact, the crux of your next prank only takes two cartons of eggs and a roll of duct tape.

See? The two of you can be economical.

And, if the two of you also you industrial strength sealant to shut Scott’s door while he’s gone on an extended mission, no one thinks to comment about it because you do it from the inside. You wouldn’t want to cause a ruckus, after all.

And, if you also drape his entire room and everything in it with garbage bags and seal those bags together with duct tape so nothing can get under the edges, it��s because you two don’t want to ruin everything in his room. That would be wasteful.

And, if you also hook up several hospital grade air purifiers to continually pump the air out of Scott’s room, it’s because you don’t want his neighbors to deal with any sort of averse smells. That would be too grand a scale.

And, if Scott comes home to a room with rotten eggs hanging from the ceiling by strips of duct tape and a slightly maggoty mess on the floor…

Well, that’s no one’s problem but his.

***

 +1. This One Actually Wasn’t On Us. Suck It, Scott.

 It happens on a mass school camping trip in the middle of the summer.

The students are out in the middle of an otherwise abandoned, grassy field, working on practicing using their powers by playing games of balloon toss, going through rope climbing courses together, and other fun activities—

And then a car explodes.

There’s a lot of jumping and screaming as the sound of the explosion rockets through the air, then various teachers use their abilities to protect the students and everyone else as random car chunks rain down from the sky.

There’s a moment of silence as everyone stares at the car, in various state of shock—

And then the silence is shattered when Scott Fucking Summers loses his shit.

“That does it!” Scott storms over to you and Wade, face redder than ketchup and body trembling with rage. “I have had it with you two destroying Institute property at whatever idiotic whim strikes you!”

“Woah!” Wade holds up his hands defensively. “We didn’t have anything to do with this one!”

“Save it, Scarface! We both know that you’re the only one insane enough to blow up a car—”

“He’s telling the truth, you monumental as -jerk!” you shout (and quickly censoring yourself, to boot), glaring down Scott. “Wade and I didn’t do this! Our pranks might be crazy, expensive, and-or annoying, but we don’t blow up cars. Moreover, we don’t put people at risk like that!”

“Do you honestly think anyone’s going to believe that?”

“‘Do you honestly think anyone’s going to believe that?’” you repeat back in an obnoxious, nasal tone. “Do you even hear yourself right now?”

“You sanctimonious—”

“Enough!” Piotr storms between you and Scott, causing the shorter man to back up several paces. “I understand frustration and shock, but that does not give you right to lash out at others.”

“Are you kidding me?” Scott screams. “You let her get away with murder—”

“We didn’t do it!” Wade hollers, cutting Scott off.

“The last person on the face of the Earth that I would ever believe—”

“He’s telling the truth, Scott.”

Scott whirls, expression dumbfounded, and stares at his girlfriend, Jean. “What? Are you kidding me? You’re saying that you believe them?”

“Clarissa did it,” Jean says firmly, arms wrapped around a weeping second-grader’s shoulders. “It was an accident. She lost control of her powers.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because she told me,” Jean states flatly, expression one of irritation. “And because I can read minds.”

“Wilson’s mind can’t be read!”

“But Y/N’s can. And she’s telling the truth about both of them having nothing to do with the car exploding.” Jean narrows her eyes at her boyfriend. “Unless you think I’m lying.”

Scott flounders for a moment, then slowly realizes that everyone else –staff, teachers, and students—is staring at him.

“Go cool off for bit,” Piotr says to him, nodding in the direction of the tents.

“I don’t need—"

“Go. Cool. Off.”

Scott seems to size up the situation –chiefly, him versus three hundred plus pounds of angry, grade A Russian beef—and quickly beats feet towards the tents.

“Suck it, bitch,” Wade mutters under his breath as he watches Scott go. “Suck it so hard.” His expression goes stormy for a moment, and then it brightens again as he turns to face you. “You alright?”

“Yeah,” you say after a moment as you watch Scott with unease. “I’m fine.”

[palettes-and-prompts]

100 First Meetings (Dialogue Prompts)

1) "Were you the one in the bathroom a second ago trying different lines in the mirror to work up the courage to ask that barista out?" 2) "Wow, you're cute." 3) "You come here often?" "This is a morgue." 4) "You! What the hell are you doing in here? We're closed!" 5) "Ahhhh! I hate my fucking life!!!" "Mood." 6) "You have magic?!" 7) "You don't look like you'll last a day here." 8) "You should leave before your date gets back from the bathroom, I saw them in here the other day popping the question to two different people." 9) "They never told me they had a younger brother/sister." 10) "Who's the twink?" 11) "I gotta ask, are you mad about something or is your face just /like that?/" 12) "You're my new roommate?" 13) "You're not married are you?" 14) "Hey, you're not dead are you? Cause I'm on probation and I can't afford to be involved in a fucking murder or something." 15) "So you're the one causing all this trouble." 16) "I need you to pretend we're dating so this dude will leave me alone." 17) "Honey, there you are I've been looking all over for you! Pretend you're with me so this person will go away." 18) "So you're the loud moaner from upstairs, huh, never knew you'd be so cute." 19) "You're not the pizza guy." 20) "You know, when I said I wish the love of my life would just fall out of the sky this isn't exactly what I had in mind." 21) "Any particular reason you're putting peanut butter in my kid's hair?" 22) "You made me dinner?" 23) "You've got the wrong room, but feel free to stay naked." 24) "You must be the motherfucker who broke my windshield!" 25) "Hi, you are very naked." 26) "You their new toy?" 27) "How'd you like to make fifty bucks?" 28) "I know I'm going to regret asking but who are you?" 29) "You got any friends?" "No." "Well you do now, come sit with us!" 30) "Cute face, I'd love to sit on it sometime." 31) "Where'd you find this dork?" 32) "Uh, there any particular reason you're screaming at two thirty-six in the morning? 33) "Out of curiosity, do you think you could lift a dead body?" 34) "If you don't let go of this bag of chips I swear to god I'll bring you to your knees in the middle of this fucking WinnDixie." 35) "WHO THE FUCK ATE THE LAST OF THE FUCKIN DORITOS, I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL-oh! I'm sorry, I didn't know we had a guest. If I'd known we had a guest I would've cleaned." 36) "Are you the vegan cannibal? Because I have so many questions." 37) "Ooh, hello Mommy/Daddy. Fuck, did I just say that out loud?" 38) "Am I dead? Are you an angel? Am I in heaven?" "Actually you're in a taco bell, you tried to do a kick flip on your skateboard in the parking lot and hit your head on the side of the dumpster." 39) "You brought a fucking guest to our SECRET BASE?! I'll deal with you later. Hi, hello, it's very nice to meet you please make yourself at home!" 40) "So, you gay or what?" 41) "No, sorry, we don't want any girl scout cookies." 42) "Holy shit, you just saved my fucking life!" 43) "Hey, honey, it's just me. You were in a really bad accident so don't try moving around too much, okay? How are you feeling?" "You called me honey. Do I know you?" 44) "Jesus, your face is about as red as your hair." 45) "Run along little ballerina, you wouldn't want to be caught hanging around the bad kids, would you?" 46) "No, I'm not the stripper, but I can be if you'd like." 47) "You ready to cut open some bodies?" 48) "Get in if you want to live." 49) "What are you looking at, short stack? Mind your own business." 50) "Your headphones aren't plugged in properly so I can hear everything you're listening to. I was going to tell you earlier but then you started watching the weirdest porn I've ever seen and I didn't want to embarrass you, but I'm about to leave so I figured I'd tell you before someone else sits around you." 51) "I don't know what they've told you but we don't need another member, go home." 52) "Hey, stop right there, you can't steal that! That's illegal!" 53) "Who's the nerd?" 54) "You look like the kind of person who wears days of the week underwear." 55) "So, how many pitchers of margaritas are you allowed to sell me?" 56) "My head fucking kills, I shouldn't have drank last night. Hey, wait, why do you and I have matching rings on our fingers?!" 57) "Congratulations, idiot! You just ruined a six month plan and now we have to start all over!" 58) "That is the ugliest shirt I've ever seen, where can I get one just like it?" 59) "I know you make straight A's, but I'm still not sure if you're really smart or dumb but really lucky. Because I've seen someone ask you what the square root of pi is and you answer with 'I don't know, I guess it depends on the flavor.'" 60) "Who the fuck let you in?" 61) "Hey, I'll give you twenty bucks if you take a photo with me to make my ex jealous." 62) "So, you eat ass or what?" 63) "You a cop?" "No." "Too bad, you would have looked good in a uniform." 64) "With a face like that I'll be whoever you want me to be." 65) "Hey, you have eyes, do you think this outfit makes me look fat? You can be honest, I can handle it." 66) "I'm just looking for a nice person to settle down with who'll fuck me hard and tell me they love me when they cum on my face, like, I feel like that's not too fucking much to ask for, you know? Anyway, I'll have a diet coke and the chicken salad, please." 67) "I swear to god, this is not what it looks like." 68) "First of all, don't you fucking come in here and try and start a fight with my best friend while you're looking straight goofy as hell in those fucking Walmart shorts and those thrift store crocs." 69) "HEY! YOU ACROSS THE STREET! YOUR DOG IS SO FUCKING CUTE AND I WOULD FUCKING DIE FOR THEM!" 70) "Anyone who says they don't like musicals is either lying to themselves, has never watched one, or is a heartless android sent by the government to blend into society and collect information about us." 71) "Asking someone out is easy, watch this. Hi, I think you're cute and if you're not seeing anyone do you want to go out sometime?" 72) "Hey, I saw you crying earlier when you stepped on a bug. Do you need me to, like, call someone for you?" 73) "I can't tell if you're really high and just hungry or if you're buying 28 family bags of shredded cheese at three am because you just love cheese. Either way you should probably also buy some laxatives or lactaid while you're already here." 74) "When I told you to make a power point about something you're passionate about for our first class meeting I didn't mean make a power point on 'How to Give Great Head' and I absolutely didn't tell you to include pictures." 75) "Are you wearing that tacky ass outfit because you genuinely like it or because you're a Leo and crave the attention?" 76) "Did you really just buy the last chocolate chocolate chip muffin? You are now dead to me." 77) "The fuck are you looking at loser?" 78) "Dude, books are just like subtitles without the movie." 79) "Hey, in your tinder bio is says your friends call you Badger Slammin' Sam and I literally only swiped right just to find out why." 80) "Are you hitting on me? Am I being punked? Are you a hooker? Did my dumbass friend put you up to this?" 81) "Hey, I need you to settle something for me and my friend. Which is the right way to pronounce carrot?" 82) "Do you believe in love at first sight, what about disgust at first glance?" 83) "Look, I'm not saying that MCR's last album changed my life, but I'm absolutely saying that." 84) "Can you move out of my way, I have to clean puke off the floor before I'm allowed to use my lunch break to cry in my car." 85) "Hi, I believe this very drunk person is your roommate, they told me this is the address. I caught them in my backyard playing with my dog again." 86) "I know you're probably not allowed to do this, but I kind of need to borrow an iguana." 87) "Hey, I saw you drop your sandwich in the parking lot earlier and start crying and I felt bad for not saying anything earlier, but I went to the sandwich shop and luckily the dude remembered your oddly specific order so I got you another one. I hope you get to feeling better." 88) "No, we don't sell 'that crazy kush' here, you can try Target." 89) "I was just calling because you sent me a picture text three weeks ago by accident with the caption 'When they let you deliver the digiorno after you clap them cheeks.' and I was just wondering if you could explain what that means because it's been keeping me up at night ever since you sent it." 90) "Hey, I just overheard you talking with your friends about how you put mustard, ketchup, and ranch on your macaroni and cheese and I just wanted to come over here and personally ask you which circle of hell you crawled up from." 91) "What the fuck is a diet water?" 92) "You guys here for the orgy?" 93) "Was that your scream? Why did it sound like a banshee?" 94) "I saw you pour two five hour energy shots into a cup of coffee earlier and then proceed to mix it with monster and red bull and like, dude I know this isn't really my place or whatever but I think you should probably go to the hospital. Like, I think you're gonna die." 95) "Your profile said you're a vegan but my profile says 'Only contact if you eat ass' and you contacted me, so what's the truth here?" 96) "Call me adorable one more time and I'll knock your teeth down your fucking throat." 97) "Move, I have to go fail my Stats test before I can go home and cry into a bag of hot cheetos while I rewatch The Office." 98) "I'm sorry, did you just order a fifty piece mcnugget for here, for yourself?" 99) "So, how do you feel about lizards?" 100) "Question, are you a top or a bottom, because you're giving off major power bottom energy but I'm not one hundred percent sure."

[snowflake-of-destruction]

would you ever uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh write uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh monster scarf

Take what I wrote before getting distracted by something shiny. I’m not going to proofread it or attempt to remember how this came to be. Read more because 1) length 2) suggestive themes in one part. Warning: It’s dumb, but, I mean the whole premise is crack

It was all because of Roxas.

Those words were a perpetual reoccurrence in Axel's second life. The reasoning behind countless life decisions, good and bad, but predominantly the former since he couldn't bring himself to consider even the ones with heavy consequences if they involved the man that had breathed life and love back into his existence. In particularly romantic times, the fiery keyblade wielder would claim that it was because of Roxas that his lungs filled and emptied and he continued to exist, every exhale a tribute and whisper of the blonde's name. Such claims though were usually met with rolled eyes and uneven blotches of red that looked more like hives or fever than blushing and were all the more endearing for it, paired with a grumble that he shut up and stop being so cheesy from the object of his affection himself.

They were also paired with less life and death actions. It was all because of Roxas Axel got his head stuck in between the slots of the banister in Elsa's ice palace and had to be carved free and then wait for the remains to melt off him. It was all because of Roxas he had to keep buying new clothes, and not just because of tears and popped buttons that were casualties of overeager fingers but because ice cream once a day and sometimes more, replacing meals, was not something he could sustain and remain a rail now that he was fully human without the magic metabolism of a Nobody perpetually in his ideal state (Roxas had crowed that Axel may one day even have an actual ass to speak of, and after the redhead's subsequent, calculated pouting had been forced to show him how he appreciated what ass Axel did have now). It was all because of Roxas and his insistence on buying what was on sale, and that he knew best and paint always ended up more faded when applied to large areas than on paint chips that the walls of their apartment were such a very bright green that it scared Xion's dog, Dinah. Though it was Axel's fault partially for not questioning Roxas's knowledge when he knew full well that he'd once had to teach Roxas and Xion what paint was.

This time, it was all Roxas's fault that the scarf collection began.

What was Axel supposed to do but add a new ever present accessory to his wardrobe when Roxas ran over to a stall in the Agrabah market without even being summoned by the ever present yelling of one of the vendors trying to entice passersby and only managing to produce an intimidating cacophony of conflicting overzealous squawking that tended to repel Axel for one ( though he supposed it had to work on some people if they kept doing it) and ran back with a stretch of silken material in brilliant emerald interspersed with gold swoops and coils and clutches of blue and red flowers in busy bunches trailing through the air behind him like a banner?

"It's the color of your eyes!" Roxas had exclaimed in explanation, throwing the prize around Axel's neck, smiling brighter than the glaring sun, intensity enough to cast away every bit of grating sand and even more grating annoyance that Yensid had sent them to the desert world for the fourth time that month when he knew for a fact Sora and Kairi were both available but kept getting assigned new worlds, and keeping his hands twisted in the ends so he could use the scarf as a yoke to pull Axel's head down in order to kiss him without the need to stretch or press himself close enough enough that a simple kiss would lead to distracting thoughts and temptations not fit for a public marketplace.

Warmth settled in Axel's chest beyond even the usual warmed caramel slow melt that Roxas tended to inspire as the redhead reached up and pinched the water soft material of the scarf between two fingers and slid the calloused pads of his fingers along its coolness. "Thank you, I love it. I used to wear scarves a lot back in Radiant Garden before...." his smile turned sheepish and slightly pained in the way it still too often did when speaking even of happy memories from his first life as Lea. "Well, before." When Roxas let go, he looped the scarf a few more times around his neck, pulled to make the loops loose, and tucked the ends under. "Looks good," he said with far too much confidence for someone without a mirror and wearing a yellow and orange kurta and pants to blend in with the locals that didn't as much compliment the colors of the material circling his neck as directly contest them.

"You don't match," Roxas had done his part to inform him. The scarf would bring a pop of color to Axel's usual wardrobe of mostly black.

"I know," Axel seemed to relish the words, a smile crinkling the corners of eyes that lit in a way that Roxas could only compare to the times Axel greeted friends after long absences.

It became a self-perpetuating cycle. Axel would wear scarves because Roxas would buy them and look so immensely pleased with himself that his partner was surprised he didn't start humming. Roxas continued buying them because Axel looked at each one like it completed him.

Then it carried beyond that. Far beyond.

Roxas slacked to just taking pictures of interesting scarves he saw and sending them to Axel's gummi phone. Twilight Town hardly ever dipped below temperate, and even though many of the scarves Axel now owned were pure fashion statements, most were thicker and several of the infinity scarves were now part of woven together, braided scarf trios that increased their thickness as well as their propensity to clash hideously with whatever Axel wore, something he seemed to consider a bonus instead of a deterrent, ever the enigma, the man who considered walking outside without making sure his winged eyeliner was perfectly even a crime and was occasionally known to vainly fuss over his hair as if tending a firstborn child, but now took glee in mixing stripes with checks. Besides, Axel now owned scarves in the double digits. Roxas felt silly carrying on with impulse buying. They could be a fun fallback birthday or holiday gift now, but how many scarves did Axel really need?

The answer to the question Roxas luckily hadn't asked aloud was answered after he came home one night to see Axel cooking dinner with a scarf knitted to look like a giant strip of bacon that he hadn't seen before.

"New present from Namine?" After the artist had spent a month with Rapunzel, Eugene, and Cassandra (an event that caused the Guardians of Light to start taking bets on whether the handmaiden had influenced the length of her stay until Namine had upset all assumptions by announcing she was moving to Todayland and then proceeded to spam Kingstagram with pictures of her with Wilbur Robinson) she'd come back with several new talents she now was very likely to send examples to her friends. They'd already been sent matching knitted beanies in sea salt blue and a set of looped potholders.

"No, I've had this for a bit," Axel had answered vaguely, and Roxas had accepted it, easily distracted by the fact that the bacon scarf and a novelty apron with a racing ketchup and mustard bottle and the caption "I relish the fact that you mustard up the will to ketchup with me" was all Axel was wearing to cook dinner.

"Xion isn't home?" he asked unnecessarily.

One burnt dinner later, Roxas found himself with his wrists tied together with the bacon scarf, whining in protest as Axel pulled away and left him lying alone and terribly neglected on the bed, muttering under his breath about blindfolds as he searched through his top dresser drawer.

"Your scarves are hanging up in the closet. Remember? I got you that scarf rack to hang them all off of." It technically had been advertised as a hanging tie rack but a tie rack wasn't something they needed.

"Those are only some of the ones from you, a few everyday ones and ones I want to display," Axel tossed out casually like the sentence was perfectly normal as he slid open the second dresser drawer down--the one Roxas knew to skip over when he was putting away clothes after his turn doing laundry because Axel had started using it for overflow from the memory boxes of old papers, WINNER popsicle sticks, and the like he kept on the top shelf of the closet--only to have it explode with multicolored material that had apparently been shoved into every nook the dresser drawer had to offer, compressed until it became spring loaded. Axel did not appear to be bothered by the comical display. "My less important scarves are in here. Might need another drawer soon." It's said absently, the blissful unawareness of the hoarder who doesn't see a problem.

Roxas constricted the muscles of his stomach in an attempt to sit up without use of his arms or hands and turned toward his boyfriend, amused.  "You have been hiding scarves?"

"Not hiding," a slip of defensiveness entered Axel's voice. "The box in the guest room is just because I haven't gotten a chance to unpack the ones Isa sent from Radiant Garden yet."

"Your old scarves?" That changed things in Roxas's eyes. He wouldn't make fun of any attempt of Axel's to regain and reclaim a happier past.

"No, the Restoration Committee had a town garage sale as a community event. I told Isa to buy me any interesting pieces and send them with the next gummi ship. I think he threw in a couple he bought too." Axel faced the bed with a bright red woolen scarf with white reindeer and snowflakes in one hand and a flimsy thing with cherry blossoms that had probably started its life as a woman's shawl in the other. "Is the mood still on or do you want me to help you out of that knot?" He gestured toward Roxas's tied hands with a flick of the hand that sent a waterfall ripple down the cherry blossom scarf.

"Mood's a little off," Roxas wriggled his wrists to keep feeling in his hands. "But nothing that can't be reclaimed. One question first though. There's a whole box in the guest room....besides the drawer and the scarf rack?"

Axel shoved scarves back into the drawer by the handful, only keeping out a thin black and blue striped fuzzy cashmere. "Nobody's using the third bedroom since you moved into mine. I don't see a problem. I'll move the box in here."

"The problem isn't cluttering the bedroom," Roxas trailed off as Axel approached the bed.

"Then what's the problem? They make me happy."

"...Then I guess I'm happy."

The decision that there was no problem just added to it. Scarves no longer confined to hiding spots were now found draped over lamps like decoration, hanging from fan blades like streamers, discarded on chairs when ones that were worn were taken off under the excuse they were just forgotten when the truth, that space to put them away neatly was limited, was apparent. They multiplied as if breeding. Roxas feared he'd have to host an intervention. Xion, for her part, was ready to co-host, insisting that Axel's collection wasn't normal. "I have a seashell collection. It doesn't take over our whole apartment!"

Intervention proved not to be necessary though. Axel got the situation under control on his own, after a fashion at least. It started with losing control entirely, and before that, a trip to Monstropolis.

[And then Axel buys a scarf that turns out to be alive and have a mind of its own. Whoops. It plays nice and docile for awhile but then starts strangling him or jumps off his neck to strangle someone else when it becomes enraged seeing so many of its fellows lying “”dead”” around the Sea Salt Trio’s apartment. They would make quick work of the scarf but it has many, many places to hide in camouflage and proves able to swap its pattern with another scarf if it touches it. Thus the hunt begins. But who is hunting who? ] 

[rocket-roach]

Bruce Wayne has to go undercover working at Bat Burger. He hates his life. He tells no one, but somehow, everyone finds out anyway.

allow me to share some of my experiences working in retail pharmacy through bruce suffering in fast food

word count: 2164

“I’llbe dark for the next few weeks. Do not try to contact or find me. I can’tstress this enough,” Bruce said as he spun in his chain to face his assembledkids. “Gotham is resting on all of your shoulders. I know you can handle it. So,take care of her, okay? I’ll be back whenever the mission is done.”

Dicknibbled on his lip as his eyes flashed to the batsuit encased in glass.

“Do youwant me to go out as Batman?” He asked as his brothers and sisters eyestraveled to the offending case.

“No,”Bruce stood. “That won’t be necessary. We’ve gotten them quiet, and they shouldstay that way for a while. But don’t start any big cases until I get back. Thisis just patrol.”

Jasonpulled a pack of blue Camels out which was quickly followed by his Zippolighter. He lit up, blowing a smoke ring towards the roof of the cave. “What’sthe mission?”

“Stopsmoking in the cave. It upsets the bats. Also, that’s classified.”

“Classifiedfrom family?” Tim asked as he headed towards the fire extinguisher.

“I gethow the Justice League feels now,” Steph added.

“We’llkeep Gotham safe,” Dick said as Tim sprayed Jason with the fire extinguisher.

Withthe arrival of Bruce’s third decade of his vigilante career, he was getting damngood at putting on wigs and applying fake beards. He pulled the carefullyrumpled and wrinkled big box store button up from his suitcase and lookedaround at the crappy bedroom he’d rented in the larger, shittier two bedroomdeep within Gotham. He’d found this place after scouring Craigslist. It was 750square feet, with a gunk covered stove, blackened oven, and dish filled sink.Additionally, the bathroom appeared to have been designed in the 1920’s andthen had never been cleaned. His roommate was one Isaiah Addams.

Arecent grad from Gotham University, Isaiah was a country boy trying to make itbig in the big city. He was working at Big Belly Burger as well as a dive bardown the street. Isaiah was simple, ineffective, and for the sake of this case,an ideal roommate. But Isaiah only knew Bruce as Paul Scott, a down on his luckrecent divorcee who was out a wife, a job, and a house.

“HeyPaul?” Isaiah asked as Bruce finished checking over the resume he printed.

“Yeah?”

“Areyou uh, hungry? My friend Deb recommended this ramen place down the road. Shesaid I needed to try real ramen. I guess Maruchan isn’t the gold standard.”

“Thankyou, but I think I’ll pass. I need to save money until I can find a job.”

“Yourloss, man. By the way, Bat Burger is hiring. They’ll take anyone with a pulse.Have a good night.”

Brucewaved as Isaiah grabbed his keys, and slammed the rickety front door shut.Bruce ran a hand through his hair, letting out a heavy sigh. The apartmentreeked like the backed-up sewer that ran beneath it, and the stench of sewerwater was helping Bruce get further into character.

Thenext day found Bruce sitting in the chaotic closet that was the manager’soffice. Zach was a burly man, nearly too large to fit in the room. With eachmovement, the black swivel chair groaned.

“Yourresume’s impressive,” Zach started. “But you don’t have any food serviceexperience.”

“I’m aquick learner. I have some retail, customer service experience. To be honest,working in food is something I’ve always wanted to try. I’m always on time.”

“Youlive close?”

“Justdown the block.”

Zachsighed as he placed the resume on the television tray that was apparentlyserving as a desk. “Well, jobs yours. You can start today. Janey can starttraining you. You just missed the lunch rush, but by dinner we’ll have youflipping burgers.”

Janeywas a single mom of three, with only a GED and a 1990 silver Toyota Camry toher name. Her teeth were yellow from the cigarettes she’d been smoking sincesixteen and her hair had been permed into oblivion. But she was patient, whichmade his training go exceptionally.

“Alright,so Paul. You’re gonna get complainers. Old people, mainly. They’ll throw a fitif you so much as look at the burger wrong. The easiest thing to do is justredo it. But sometimes, they’ll throw a fit for a voucher. Cashiers can’t give‘em vouchers, and they know that. They’re gonna scream for the manager andZach’s always here. Just get Zach, sweetie. It’s less of a headache.”

Paulnodded, filing all this information away. He looked around at the fewcustomers, each sitting in their own booth, chowing down on the grease filledburgers with relish. Janey carried on through the training, showing him how tooperate the registers, which codes to call when he needed change, or when therewas too much cash in register. Then she moved him back into the kitchen. Oldfridges and even older ovens lined the walls, covered with black grease. He wasafraid to look into the grease traps.

Janeypassed him off to Daniel, the cook for the midshift.

“Youever flip burgers before?”

“No,”he answered honestly.

“Youabout to learn.”

Eventually,Daniel banished Paul from the kitchen. He had burned just one too many burgers,and that was how he found himself standing back at the register next to Jackie.It was five o’clock.

Brucewatched as the parking lot began to fill up with the cars of the people justgetting off work from Gotham’s downtown. Janey took a steadying breath, and thesmell of her most recent cigarette filled Paul’s nostrils.

DickGrayson walked in, his eyes rimmed by dark circles.

“Lemmeget Bat-beef deluxe with cheese and no tomatoes, please, Janey.”

“Surething, hon. You want to Jokerize that?” Janey asked as she typed in the order.

���Pleaseand thank you,” Dick narrowed his eyes as he took in Paul. “Haven’t seen you inhere before.”    

“He’s anew hire. Name’s Paul. Little shy but got a good head on his shoulders. Paul, Iwant you to meet Dick. He’s a cop.”

Dick’seyes were still narrowed.

“Paul,huh?”

“Uh,yes sir. Today’s my first day.”

“Anyoneever tell you, you kind of look like Bruce Wayne?”

 Afterthat, and a few more days of training, Paul offered to take theovernight shift. As he wiped down the tables, counting the customers in therestaurant, the amount of food they’d ordered, he decided that there was no waythis franchise was making enough money to stay open twenty-four hours a day andpay workers and other bills. When he was back in his mold-ridden apartment, headded notes to the ever-growing file he kept stashed underneath his mattress.He dressed in the ill-fitting batsuit and began his trek towards his job.

Theyellow streetlamps were bright enough to see the sidewalk, but not brightenough to illuminate the cracks and uneven slabs. He had a few skinned knees toprove it. But tonight, had been fall free. He stretched his arms above hishead, his neck cracking loudly as Sal, a regular, stomped back up to theregister.

Heslammed a half-eaten Mister Freeze dog onto the counter.

“I onlygot half a dog!”

Brucewatched as the ketchup oozed. “I gave you the full dog you ordered, Sal.”

“Don’t‘Sal’ me, Paul. You only gave me halfa dog. I want my money back. And a voucher. You know what? Get me your manager.I want to talk to Zach.”

“Hewent home for the day.”

“Thencall him! I can wait.”

“It’stwo in the morning. Zach won’t be in till about eight. I can get you Jazz,she’s working now.”

“No. Iwant to speak with the store manager. I want you fired.”

Brucealso wanted to be fired.

“I’llbuy his dog,” a deep voice that Bruce knew very well, cut in. “Sal, do you wantanother Freeze dog?”

“No!”

Redhood turned to face Sal, his hands drifting towards his hip holsters.

“I’mgonna ask one more time.”

 Brucequickly picked up on Janey’s tactic of going outside for a smoke. He didn’t smoke;maintaining his peak physical form and all that, but getting the fresh, sewagescented air of Gotham did help clear his head. Usually. When Jason wasn’tsmoking a cigarette three feet from him.

“Howlong?” Jay asked.

“Howlong what?”

“Don’tplay dumb, old man. I know who you are. Who you really are.”

“I’mPaul,” Bruce wanted to yell at him.

“Okay, Paul,” he said after blowing a smokeright. “Why are you here?”

“I needmoney,” Paul was starting to get a little pissed.

Jasonlaughed as he crushed the butt under his boot. “I need money, too. Yet, Ididn’t realize we were so destitute that you had to pick up a side gig at BigBelly.”

“I haveto go back to work,” Bruce’s face was pinched. If his damn kids didn’t stop,the whole thing would be blown. “Have a good day, sir.”

“’Sir’,” Jason started laughing. “You’re agoddamn hoot, Paul.”

 Paulwas locked into his room, buried in his notes when he heard Isaiah shouting forhim. He ignored him, hoping that Isaiah would shut up and let him work inpeace. It usually worked in the past. Usually. But soon the sounds of a scufflereached his bedroom.

Aheadache bloomed behind his eyes as he heard Tim Drake shouting his way toPaul’s room.

“Listen,kid, I dunno ho yougot in here, but you have to leave!”

“Isaiah,right? I just really need to talk to Bru- Paul. He’s behind… on his loanpayments.”

“Youlook like you’re twelve!” Isaiah said.

“Internship,”Tim fired back before he jimmied open Paul’s lock.

Paulhad been desperately trying to shove all his papers under the mattress, butthis damn kid was too fast. He darted over, snatching up as many papers as hecould. Bruce lunged for him. Tim dodged.

“Goddamnit!What part of ‘Dark, do not contact me,’was unclear to you all?” Bruce nearly snarled.

“It wasfine until we realized you’re trying to dethrone the Falcones. They knowsomeone is working against them from the inside, Bruce,” Tim waved as hescanned Bruce’s notes. “You’re writing as Paul, not Bruce. There are key factsmissing from this case—”

Brucewalked over to Tim. He grabbed the back of the boy’s shirt, and bodily liftedhim into the air. It was only then that Tim saw the anger bubbling in Bruce’seyes. He’d thought his dad would have been happy to see him after so many weeksgone, but Bruce just tired, frustrated, and bordering on pissed.

“Gohome,” he said lowly. “Tell everybody else this area is off limits. If I see any of you, you’ll all begrounded for the rest of your lives. Clear?”

“Crystal,”Tim gulped, slowly curling into a small ball.

   Paulwas coming up on two months on being undercover. After his conversation withTim, his children’s visits had cut down significantly. But tonight, as he threwthe heavy black trash bags into the dumpster behind the building, he noticedone small shadow that was out of place. He wiped his hands on his pants legs, looking up at his daughter.

“Cass.”

Theshadow disappeared for a moment, then appeared right in front of him. Her darkeyes were staring intensely at him; and with that Bruce realized she was aboutto ream him out. Her hands began flying, and it took every ounce of Bruce’sstrength not to immediately head home and start packing up his stuff.

“Iknow. I’m nearly done.”

“You’relying. To me,” she said.

“I’llkeep trying till you buy it,” He smiled sheepishly.

“Even Icould tell that you were,” Damian’s voice reached him from above.

Brucelooked up, mildly impressed with his youngest’s ability to sneak. He wasgetting better. Glacial blue eyes flickered to Cass, and she was grinningproudly.

“Oh,god. You two have been teaming up,” he groaned. “Fine, two more weeks. I’llhave it all wrapped up.”

It didn’ttake two weeks. It didn’t even take one. The Falcone’s goons blew up hisapartment as he was leaving for work that night. Isaiah, thankfully, had gone outto sing in the subway. Bruce sighed as the flaming remnants of his notesfloated to the ground. He went to work after giving a statement to the policeand ignoring the way Gordon kept staring at him.

The doorcreaked open.

Insidesat Nightwing, Red Hood, Red Robin, Orphan, Robin and Spoiler. Hog tied at theirfeet sat the Falcone family, gagged and growling.

“Paul,”Nightwing smiled. “Did you know you were working for the most notorious crimefamily in Gotham?”

[momo-de-avis]

Hogwarts School of Bloodsucking Bifes

A Harry Potter and Twilight fanfic by someone who’s read neither.

Chapter 1

Once upon a time there lived a boy under the stairs in a house in London with his cruel aunt and stupid uncle and even stupider cousin, because nobody liked him. His name was Edward and he had a very peculiar skin condition: he glowed under the sun! No one knew why, but sure aunt Esme had a great time showcasing the little boy to all her friends on her weekly trip to Macy’s, like a panda bear mating on a zoo.

Then one day, there was a knock on the door. Aunt Esme answered quite begrudgingly---the intruder having ruined her third peaceful rerun of Dowton Abbey---and found in front of her an abnormally large man (as in, disproportionately big, not fat, you fat-shaming twats) with hair falling down his shoulders like a 70s rock band drop out, because he also looked like my retired music teacher uncle with a paunch and mustard staining his shirt.

“Who the hell are ye?” Aunt Esme barked, as furious as a housewife who forgot the iron on her best silk nightgown, ready to go back to a gigantic triangular hole right on the left tit.

The man bowed a bit too much, like a drunken lad of 65 years old trying to pick up divorcees on Happy Hour at the local pub who thought he was just acting like-in-the-old-days. “Hello there, ma’am. My name’s Charlie Swan, and I am here to tell that little one right there—” he pointed at the pair of eyes ogling the big fella like a kid on Sunday church mass, “—about the Hogwarts School for Vampires!”

Aunt Esme’s eyes glowed in confusion. “Are ye a fookin’ Jehovah’s Witness or sumthin’?”

“I am not, ma’am.” He called the little one. “Have ye ever wondered, Edward, why does your skin glow in the sunlight?”

“Because my mommy dank a lot of tequila when she was pregnant with me. Aunt Esme says it’s the salt and lemon mix.”

Aunt Esme smiled proudly.

“No, Eddy boy. Yer a Vampire.”

“WOT does that mean, sir?” The boy asked, in the tone of a cockney orphan who wiped chimneys for a living and smelled of ass, straight out of a Dickens novel.

The older lad’s eyes widened like a priest’s on catechesis. “It means your place isn’t here, with your aunt and uncle. But in the Hogwarts School of Blood Sucking Bifes!”

“That sounds a bit pervy, but I live under a fucking stairwell in the broom closet, so what the fuck, mate, sign me up.”

Aunt Esme raised a hand like a traffic officer, alerted at this unexpected development. “Now, hold on a moment! Ye can’t just come in here and sweep kids away like a fookin’ catholic priest.” She paused for a moment to think. “Do I get a pound out of it or what?”

Slightly dumbfounded, but not all surprised given the appearance of the lady—curlers keeping her hair tightly rolled, cigarette dangling from the corner of her mouth and a robe stained with ketchup, cigarette holes and what Charlie hoped to God was cake batter. He paused as well to think about it. “Yeah,” he said. “Sure, why not. Just write to the headmistress and ask for your money or something, who gives a shit, I’m not getting paid for playing little kid’s valet anyway.”

Aunt Esme shrugged, took a drag of her cigarette and turned around to leave. The older fella grabbed little Edward by the hand and took him across the doorway. As soon as he stood outside and the sun shined on his skin---marble-white and dead looking, like Madame Bovary high on arsenic---a million sparkles glinted like a cheap Swarovski sculpture, the kinds you buy second-hand online and realize is just polished glass.

“Well damn me,” Charlie said. “That is tacky to see.”

“So this,” Edward said, looking down at his arms, the glowing skin nearly blinding him, “this is why I am a Vampire? How come I haven’t needed blood until now?”

“Oh you drank a lot of blood, mate. Your aunt makes a fine Cabidela Rice.”

“My whole life?”

“Your whole life.”

“That soggy oat-meal-like shit I was fed on the chair when I was just a wee baby, that was Cabidela Rice?”

“Indeed, little one.”

He frowned, disgusted at a swarm of memories. “Well damn.” However, Edward didn’t really care that much. “Does that mean I have to kill to survive?”

“Not really. You see, your lot would be called vegetarian vampires. You drink blood from chickens and cows and the like.”

Little Edward snorted. “That really doesn’t sound vegetarian at all, you know.”

“They don’t have to die.”

“Yeah, but I’m still feeding off their living organism and that defeats the purpose of vegetarianism entirely so like, maybe call it something else?”

“Like what?”

He shrugged. “Paleo-diet vampires.”

Charlie sighed, keeping to himself the thought that the little fella was, despite the greatness expected of him, quite fucking dumb, and slapped him in the back with a very hard pat that nearly sent him flying chin down on the pavement. “Well, keep your smart ass in place, because Dumbledore will explain everything to you! Now, hop on!”

Charlie tapped his back with a bare hand like good-old perv, and shrugging, thinking he’d seen worse at his own home like on the days his uncle drew a smiley face on his belly and pretended it was a chap called Manolo and went around the house flapping it pretending to be a mouth as he made voices, he hopped on his back. Immediately, Charlie gave a step back and charged off, running so fast Edward swallowed a harsh gulp of air, three flies and one mosquito, but kept still. And Charlie’s legs moved swiftly, like a really cheap CGI animation because nobody in this fucking story thought of fucking bats. Fucking BATS, Stephanie.

☞ Chapter 1

Chapter 2

[abiteofnat]

ON THIS EDITION OF “ATE MY WAY THROUGH ________”... 

We damn well ate our way through S E A T T L E! Me and my stand-in husband Sheila went on a four day trip to the West Coast for some good, good eating and do-not-even-think-of-packing-anything-but-Nikes walking. Quickly we found some of the top secret spots, not-so-secret spots, and also that climbing the incline to get anywhere will immediately make you hungry even if you just ate. NO PROBLEM FOR THIS SQUIRREL. 

Seattle has always been my *dream* destination, just as for some Australia or Switzerland might be theirs. There’s something about a) the mountains and the water being right alongside a populated city, b) the fact it’s known for coffee, and c) it being somewhere totally different than where I live. I think a couple years ago I could have been labeled as a a “Manhattan Girl”: always in a skirt or dress, embracing the insanity of a daily routine, and needing to be in the bustle of a city too small for all the people in it. Now, I think I’ve gotten old and tired, so the mountains and some fresh as fuck air appeal to me. I found myself very at home in this coastal city of Seattle, where everything just seems content as it is and people are in no hurry to get anywhere. Everyone is in comfy but cute clothes (there’s a Free People or a Patagonia every 3 feet) and no foot is without a stylish athletic trainer. There’s a sense of purpose to get anywhere since it’s not like public transit mandates, so walking is your best option and it will make you SWEAT to get where you want to go. We stayed at the Thompson Seattle right near Pike Place Market and W O W  it couldn’t have been any better- seriously, this place is a newly constructed beauty of a building with a chic, “organic” lobby including a life-size knit bear statue and cozy couches under a bookshelf. Our room was a deluxe queen suit facing the Puget Sound and in the distance you could see the mountains, ALREADY WORTH THE MONEY. Big white bed and a huge TV? YEP, TAKE ALL MY MONEY. CAN YOU SEE A WHALE BREACHING IN THE WATER? MAYBE. 

After we settled into our minimalist-Pinterest palace we went on a walk to see what was all around us and literally stumbled onto Pike Place Market, which STOLE my heart. Heart is now gone, it’s amidst the fish and the flowers and the mac & cheese and the smell of excitement in the air. Pike Place is like an eternal Sunday; you can’t go there and not want to buy some roses and a sachet of lavender to smell when you just want to smell it and feel boho cool. While it’s overwhelming when it’s packed (i.e., Saturday afternoon when we first went, yikes) and you WILL want to elbow everyone, just take in all the colors and smells because it’s such an exhilarating experience. There’s fresh produce out the whazoo and some very nice merchants selling their wares; I bought two stunning photos from a photographer of Seattle in the rain because it was not rainy the whole time (so apparently that’s just a lie that it’s ALWAYS RAINING OH MY FUCKIN GOD) and also of sunflowers since they’re my favorite and they look so lovely amidst the neon signs lining the great hall. Guys, the neon signs get me. When I have money and the ability to own an apartment one day I’m making a hundred neon signs to put on the walls that say dumb cute shit. I am that girl. 

Pike Place Market offers a little something for everything. Fan favorites include Beecher’s Cheese where you can sample cheese and get the world’s best mac & cheese, the greek yogurt place that is beloved by all dairy eaters, and my favorite- Three Girls Bakery. During it’s stay in the market that has lasted over 100 years, they have perfected the art of the cookie, brownie, and rugelach, as well as fresh-made croissants and a variety of European specialties. I was drawn to this little biddy of a store because it has, guess what, a lovely neon sign, and also because I smelled baking chocolate and knew I would crave a late night yummy when lying in the hotel watching Hawaii 5-0. Best decision of my life. I got a walnut brownie and a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie, as well as a tiny raspberry rugelach for something fruity, and nothing was bad. These treats are classics made right, and I drool thinking about that peanut butter cookie with hunks of chocolate mixed in. Chewy, salty, sweet, and straight outta the market. Can’t get better! 

But, after wandering and deciding that Seattle was my new favorite place in the entire world, we needed to try some FOOD. We went to Bacco Cafe, kitty corner to our hotel, where there’s always a wait but they make sure to move it quickly and the food is WORTH IT. Sheila and I decided to split the eggs benny because I got her hooked on them months ago, and then for something sweet we got the french toast covered in sweet, fresh fruit and topped with powdered sugar. The best part of both these plates was the rosemary potatoes- oh, my god. The whole inside of the cafe smells of rosemary, and from the bar where we sat you can watch them chopping up dozens of potatoes and throwing them around in vats of spices and olive oil, and Jesus they were some of the best breakfast potatoes I’ve ever had. Crispy, flavorful, and then followed by a bite of scrumptious french toast I was in heaven. I saw people putting ketchup on them and was disgusted because if you need ketchup to enjoy food you’re a sad person who enjoys the taste of acid instead of the food you bought. Nope. Also, it should be said the eggs benny was cooked up so well and the hollandaise sauce was rich but not saturating the whole thing, which can happen often when there’s a sauce on a somewhat runny egg. Seriously, go to Bacco Cafe, there’s a fresh juice bar and menu to start you off and then the best breakfast in the best location. 

Later as we wandered ALL over the city and spent a while at the Chihuly Garden and Glass museum, which is stunning and an excellent use of time and money, we lucked out with a sunny afternoon and decided to get a refreshment before the dreaded Space Needle tourist trap that we felt simply compelled to conquer. Truth be told, I really admire the architecture and dazzle of the Space Needle, as it was built completely manually using new-age elevator technology for the time and involved thousands of workers who usually worked sans- safety belt or anything and just did it for the experience. But the height? Hell no. It’s a disk balancing on a skinny lil pole and I have issues with elevators and man-made contraptions, however I can say we survived and it was 100% worth it to go up there and see all the mountains. I’m a sucker for a skyline! 

I digress, back at the museum we found a greenhouse cafe with lovely looking food and more importantly, strawberry lemonade, which is easily the best of the lemonades. It was a great location to enjoy a drink and a couple hours of free time, with views of the needle above and peeks at the Chihuly sculptures outside in the gardens (which you can somewhat see in the picture of Sheila). Sheila got hot tea from the hot waiter because she’s classier than I am (note the turtleneck). Check out their brunch deal that happens on the weekend if you’re visiting soon or live locally: https://www.chihulygardenandglass.com/events/brunch-art  

With other little bites along the way and a couple stops at Starbucks to keep us fueled, we experienced day one to the fullest and for the sake of how long this post is already I’ll save our delicious dinner for the next one :) Vacation with me, you eat a lot!!! 

Until the next post with part dos of savoring Seattle, Happy Eating! 

-Natalie 

[cheerstocrazy]

Austin 7/4-7/7 Messy stories

I love Rainey Street!!! I’m so glad I got to go back and experience it fully. We went to Unbarlievable, and while the drinks and people sucked, the bar was playing BANGERS from all my fave artists: Daft Punk, Maggie Rogers, Kaytranada, Washed Out, and so many others! It’s so laid-back and open, which is how I like my bars. We bar hopped a lot and the drinks were so cheap, and each space had its own vibe and white people who couldn’t dance. I’ll move to the highlight of this trip. Jas and I went to Rainey St at night again bc we wanted to see how poppin’ it would be. We went to The Container Bar first, and I really loved the concept and layout. It’s so novel and cool! I didn’t like the music, so we went to Unbarlievable where the line was 2nd longest and the music was poppin’ again. Went inside, got our drinks, spiked the shit out of it. 2 lame dudes approached us to talk, but they had no social skills, weren’t cute, and were generally killing our vibes. I’m glad they realized we weren’t interested and left. Soon after, this really tall dude asks us, “Hey girls, do you want some drinks? I’ll buy them for you.” To which I screamed, “yes! LONG ISLANDS PLEASE.” They were weak as shit, but they were free. We got our drinks, and he didn’t even talk to us. What a nice lad! I think Jas talked to him bc she was nice, but I was like eh, Idc. He’s not cute, he’s wearing khaki pants with CHANCLAS. At this point, the cute Spaniards I had seen earlier approached Jas and started to talk to her/ dance with her. He was short, but his friends were fun, and it was nice to have lively people who could at least dance to the rhythm. We were all talking in Spanish, and Mark was still here, WGW as shit. He was all alone which was really weird, and I asked him where his friends were. He replied, “Idk, lost em. *Shrugs*” I let him take some sips of my long island, and at one point, he took the long island and didn’t give it back. He took the straw. And I was like you have to buy me more!! You took my drink. So he did, and we got 2 more long islands :D He was so drunk and was taking pretty long to register/do simple tasks, but IDC, THE DRINKS WERE FREE. I think his friend came by at this point, and I yelled omg it’s your friend. Hey, what does Mark do?? His friend: he’s a doctor. I wasn’t interested at all thus far, until I heard that word. And I yelled, “A DOCTOR????!?!??!?!!! WHAT’S YOUR SPECIALTY??” And he replied MD. Who the fuck replies MD when they’re asked what they are. Usually, people would reply internal medicine, derm, etcetc. I didn’t believe him, but Idc too much either. He was really drunk at this point and somehow, it had become my responsibility to look after him. I took a foto with him bc I thought it was sooOOooOOoo funny how tall he was, and I wanted to remember this memory of a dumb guy whom I milked for drinks. He stayed with me and would put his pinky finger out to dance with me. So fucking weird, god white people. I played along whatever. I was drunk and having fun. And I always have more fun when i have a guy with me. I know it’s horrible, but nights without guys to mess around with are LAME. I don’t want to go to the bars if that’s not gonna happen. Anyway, one thing lead to another, and I’m not entirely sure of the event orders...but wait, I remember telling Jasmine: DON’T LET ME KISS HIM. Which usually means, I’m stupid and I’m gonna kiss him in 5 seconds. Back to the story, he turned me around (probably) and I ended up kissing him. He wasn’t a bad kisser, I’d give him a 6 or 7/10. It wasn’t wet; it wasn’t sloppy; he removed his lips from mine. It was nice--I liked it. I know I also screamed at him to move his hips, and he was incapable of it. We would dance with each other, and I know his hands were grazing my boob, and Jas told me too. It was fine, whatever. I wasn’t even paying attn to anyone else at this point, and I couldn’t have cared less. We kept on kissing, and soon the bar closed. We all left, and he came with me. I asked him where his friends were, and he didn’t care to find them. I walked his drunk ass out, and Jas was hungry, so I said we should all go to the food trucks and grab something. He was stumbling and couldn’t walk straight, so I held his hand and pulled him with me. I was hungrier in theory...and wanted everything, but had absolutely no appetite. We ordered so much food, and he paid for everything. He didn’t even care at this point. It was wonderful. In line, there was this incredibly cute Iranian who was dressed SO nicely with the most beautiful pearly whites. Wow undeserving. His name was Coby, something like that. Mark was so drunk, he put ketchup on the outside of his burger bun, probably thinking there was space to dip his fries. We sat across from these 2 really young college kids 21 and 22. Omg, I felt so old sitting near them. Somehow, the white kid mentioned politics, and I said I’m your standard California liberal...and Idk how or why, but Mark mentioned something abt AOC (maybe in defense of her?) I was so shocked a Southern boy knew about her and was praising her? Acknowledging her? Maybe I was drunk. All of the above. Mark gave the kids some life advice, and I was like do you really want advice from a 30 year old man who’s WGW??? They replied, yeah he’s older and he’s a doctor, we’ll take it. Smh. Anyway, we ended up leaving and we didn’t touch our food so Jas and I were forcing these black guys to take it, but they didn’t want us bc they probably thought we did shit to it. LAME, THIS IS EXPENSIVE FOOD YOU’RE GONNA BUY ANYWAY. We walked out toward the street, and Mark was like I’ll do anything you want or go anywhere you want. Something like that. Idr the exact words, and I thought, “Guess he’s coming home with me and staying on the couch ugh. He was a good enough kisser, this should be fine” Jas called the Lyft. We got in and we were probably still holding hands. Idr what was going on, but he would pull my face over to kiss him, and I felt so embarrassed bc Jas was sitting right next to me!! And he kept doing it to me ugh. Then we got inside the house, and she ran up, and I went to the living room to grab my shit to change. I had my clothes downstairs, so I went to that rr to change. I think he got some water??? And I got into the couch tired as shit, and he had already undressed himself and CLIMBED ON TOP OF ME!!! Omggggg, I’M TOO YOUNG AND SMALL FOR THIS SHIT. lmao. Anyway don’t really remember much of the details besides he fingered me, and he was really slow with the process, which I guess is better than shoving it in there and DJing. Could be worse. I gave him a hand job, and his dick was smaller than I expected. Damn. And he went down on me!! And it felt so GOOD. But I was also thinking holy fuck, I haven’t showered. I’ve sweat 10 buckets today. Poor dude. And then I asked him if he had a condom, and he said yes he did. So he searched, couldn’t find anything, then I searched and couldn’t find anything. I was so pissed. Ugh, i WANTED TO HAVE SEX!!!!!!! So he took his dick and was a tease abt it, and dicked it around my vagina, which was SO SHITTY. I felt like a teenager who had to restrain herself, and ugh I’m a grown ass woman, JUST PUT IT INSIDE ME. Unfair. It was nice nonetheless. Was he the best? No. He was good enough and he made me go on top too, which #feminism #equality--I’m all about that. And he would hold/hug me sometimes, and it felt so nice to be held by a significantly bigger man. It was after the first round at 3-4am, and I googled on my phone the closest Walgreens and told him to go buy condoms. He asked “you really want to fuck??” YES I DO!!!! bITCH!! Sometimes he would get thirsty and get up to drink straight from the sink when I had a glass of water on the table. It made me laugh. I saw his pale ass small butt there. I’m not a big butt person sorry...esp not his heh. When we “fell asleep,” he would hold me completely in his right arm, and I was really surprised. Generally, guys cant sleep like this and also their arm goes numb. But he fell asleep holding me the whole time. It was nice, but I was so fucking exhausted, and I couldn’t sleep with him snoring. Then he woke up and get second wind and we did it all over again, this time in the light…..He asked me if I could go down on him, and I did it no questions asked bc dammit I guess you eat me out, I have to return the favor. I honestly have no idea what I’m doing ever. And he kept making me give him a hand job, and all I could think about was Julian’s tweet. I’m not even good at this!! My right arm is tired!! He took so long to come, I was feeling unsuccessful, aND I WAS THIRSTY AND TIRED AND SWEATING. MY GOD. I kept blowing him and I wasn’t even switching up the pace. I tried to go around the head. I was getting so thirsty, at one point I even felt so baby barf. So I quit and said I’m thirsty. I was so sweaty. I lay on top of him for a little bit to not make it so awkward….Then I drank water and came back, “we fell asleep.” I gave up after and slept on the couch next to him or lay down on it. Idk I was losing my mind at this point. I was so tired. I slept for an hr finally and went up to chat with the girls. I was asking them what protocol was for kicking someone out bc I really wanted the couch and to be able to sleep. Oh ya, he was sleeping completely naked on the couch, and I was so worried about my friends coming down to see him naked!!! He did look so peaceful and cute sleeping though. It warmed my heart a bit and softened him to me. I digress. They said to come upstairs to sleep and let him go home alone. I thought that was weird, and I thought what if he stole shit. Also if I were in his position, I’d feel super fucking weird to be left alone. Anyway, came back down to lie down on the couch, and he awoke. He looked over sleepily at me, and asked me if I wanted the couch, to which I replied, Yes, MOVE. Oh ya he had asked me earlier twice if I was alright, or is this okay? He moved afterward. It felt so weird bc I didn’t know anything about him. Also during hooking up, I was like, Omg Im so tired, I just want to sleep, and it felt so impersonal bc it was and I was with a stranger!!! He moved to the couch and then he went back to sleep. Then he made up some BS excuse abt his back being sunburnt and wanting to lie on the floor. But I knew it was an excuse to lie down next to me. AND IT WORKED UGH. My hand was dangling off the side, so he grabbed it, held it, and kissed it. And I was like ugh my cold, dead heart. He held it close, then put his foot up to play with mine. Finally, he asked me if I wanted to come lie down with him, to which I replied yeah :\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ He asked me questions about what I did for fun in California. So weird. I asked him bare minimum questions bc I didn’t believe he was a doctor, and I didn’t really care to get to know him. We talked a bit more about nothing. Then Martin and Jenny also came down at this point. I think we started to kiss again, and he started to finger me. Jenny was being so fucking loud, I honestly wanted to slap her!!!! She’s so annoying!! I yelled shut the fuck up jenny!!! She was ruining it. It felt so nice to be held by him. I felt so safe and secure ): He fell asleep. I moved up to the couch and I had such a bad headache by this point bc I had only slept 1.5 hours max, and I wanted to die. I was being so negative to him lmao. Jas and Jenny finally left after I asked them one billion times when they were leaving. As soon as they left, he tapped me and said something, but I didn’t hear. I immediately said out loud, “Ok, let’s go upstairs to get some rest.” I wanted a fucking bed!!!!! We both went upstairs and he complimented the house. Backtracking to our convo downstairs earlier. It was so weird bc he asked me so many questions, and I get it, this was him trying to figure out who I even was. He assumed I lived in Austin, and that this was actually my house, when I was visiting and this was an AirBNB. Anyway, we went to the bedroom, and I lay to the side bc I really wanted to rest (knowing full well I wasn't). He was there with his phone texting and Idr when he told me, but he said he friends left without him. I had asked him earlier when he was leaving and he said today actually. I was kind of sad bc I was hoping he was staying until the day after so I could spend more time with him. After he finished texting, he cuddled me from the back, and we started fucking around. Then he proceeds to tell me has a condom, and I'm like what don't you get? You are actually stupid. You don't have one!!! His breath also tasted like milk at this point. Not that it was a bad thing but he hadn't brushed his teeth in a while. He went down on me again which was gr9. He asked me if I wanted to have sex without a condom, to which I replied “no, idk you.” He laughed it off. I took off my shirt and it got stuck on my big head, and I was so mortified haha. We kept doing the thing where he'd tease me with his dick outside and he’s dry hump me. And I rolled my eyes, I was tired and too sober for this. He kept making me give him a hand job and my right arm was so tired, I wanted to die. He ended up finishing himself off, and he came all over my stomach while grabbing my boob. Oh ya before that he would let me lie down on top of him, and he would hold/hug/squeeze me. It was so nice and comforting. He also had a habit of tapping his fingers on me, which I felt endearing. I asked him for a towel to wipe myself off. He said he hoped his friends were still there and that his checkout time wasn't until 4pm. I can't believe he chose to stay with me knowing full well he had to leave. He couldn't find his briefs, but I found them in the sheets. I walked him down, grabbed his sunglasses and watch for him, and he pulled me in to kiss me a few last times. He squeezed me tight and it was so sweet. I enjoyed it. We said goodbye at the door, and he did the lingering hand, and I'm sure if I gave in to kiss him, he would've pulled me in again. I've never met or been with anyone who’s so obsessed with kissing. 

[jayxtrejo]

i ment to love you

all the shit you see and hear on social media is bullshit. love is love. It's something no one understands, it's what we as human beings do best, because when we, give we without holding back. It's something beautiful, love hurts, people say "if it hurts it's not love" that's fucking bullSHIT. love isn't a word that is simply defined. There is different types of love, there's different ways to show it. Love is going to break you, build you, mold you & bring you so much fucking happiness it's a hell of a drug. People don't understand how much of us actually fall in love, but also some don't understand some of us just lust. My experience with love is by far the most beautiful thing i have ever experienced. I will never forget the moment i laid eyes on the woman i knew i wanted to be with for the rest of my days. She had me acting a fool i won't deny it. This girl, man oh man, did she have me sprung. She had my writing a love letter and I barely even knew her name. Like all love stories, the setting was normal. Public place, new face. But my love story was something made of dreams. I mean this gal was my muse, her eyes are the size of the moon, such beautiful, breathtaking stars. Her smile is to die for, man did she know how to smile and brighten up my day. From day one i knew she was it. I was to scared to make the first move. So someone else came in the picture, i backed off. Days passed, weeks, eventually months. No matter what she was my girl, i was always in the picture. When she fell i was there to pick her up. We started talking, small talk became 3AM conversations in the car. Those conversations lead to our first date at IHOP. It was my goal to know everything about her. And till this day I still do. All the little things she didn't know i knew about her. Like the way she loved putting a load of ketchup on everything. She laughs when she's nervous. She buys things on impulse. She has anxiety. She likes ugly colors, but that's what made them beautiful to me, because she likes them. She falls asleep when you scratch her head and gets chills and feels relaxed when you scratch her back/give her a massage. She blushes when I called her beautiful. She's not really social, really shy but once she breaks out of that she's one of the most live people in the room. She likes to sing, wow her singing was beautiful. She makes jokes that don't make sense but it's cute. Sometimes I wouldn't laugh and she'd point it out. And I'd reassuringly say "yes that was funny". Or maybe how hard I would make her laugh, that giggle. I can go on forever. Back on track, we did everything together. Literally, there's was almost not a moment i wasn't with her. Either I was at her house or she was at mine. Only time apart was if we were working, sports, friends, otherwise we were together. She was my blessing. My muse. My baby. My future to be. Everything about her was perfect. I fell in love with all her imperfections. I gave myself to her, mind, body and soul. 8 months were spent by her side. I went as far as buying a ring. Put it on her with a promise of an engagement ring on that finger in our near future. i remember the first time i said “i love you” , said it with out even thinking, well, i blurted out. Exact words “i dont like you, i love you”, she could not believe what i had just said, she was so happy and blushing so much she didnt even say it back but thats okay because her expressions screamed “i love you too”. Shes perfect in every aspect, all her insecurities, everything, i came to love. Her company was a must, it was an everyday thing, i didnt want to go a day with out her. hes goofy, she did the most adorable things, the way her nose scrunched up when she laughed to hard. When i tell you this gal was my heart, best believe it. I had soooo much patience with her, she loved annoying me or getting me mad, she would only do that when she was cranky, hungry or sleepy. I miss her. I miss her smile, i miss how peaceful she looked when she fell asleep on the car rides back home. I miss her hugs, her touch, her kisses, her laugh, the way she carried herself, i miss our intimacy, our late night convos at 3AM, late night food runs, i miss you waking me up because you heard something in the kitchen and it scared you, i miss your mad faces, and how you would pout, i miss waking up to you. But then we hit our downfall. Something that could have been fixed so easily took the turn for the worst and she walked out of my life... for 2 straight months day in day out I tried, I tried and kept trying. I did not give up on her once. I never failed her. I was consistent. I loved her with everything I had. Pure TLC. My intention was to love her and care for her. But it wasn't enough. Now, its different. She truly is the biggest part of me, im proud to of had her at my side. She left, and took the biggest part of me with her.. I wish she finds everything she looks for & I hope she prospers. Her happiness is all that matters to me. Now in love a lot of things come into play. But the biggest thing that comes into play is Forgiveness. Don't ever give up on someone you love, even if they do. If you can give up on someone so quick you never truly loved them. As I said there's different types of love. But when you love someone as I did, giving up is not an option. And people always stay for different reasons. It's not easy, love is a complicated things yet it's so simple. Love is love. Everyone wonders why it hurts so much when you lose the one you love, some try denying the pain. Why? Why do you deny the person you would've walked to hell and back for?! Why!? Cry, yell, laugh, cry again. It's okay. It's not an easy thing to over come or to comprehend. That's your baby! That person was your happiness. People love for different reasons. Some to not be alone. Some to find happiness. Some to have an individual to call their own. Some for warmth at night. Some for lust. Some for love. Some for comfort. Some for joy. Some for care. Then there's the ones like me. That love for all those reasons and more. And I will never figure it out, all I know is there's the love that i have, which is eternal.If your looking for the word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality,and wanting them to have everything they want as much as it destroys you, its LOVE. And when you love someone, you, you simply dont give up on them, ever. Even when everyone around you rolls their eyes, call you dumb, even then. Especially then, beacause if i could give up, that wouldnt be love, if i could get up and move on with someone else, that wouldnt be love, that would be some disposable thing that is not worth fighting for.

I ment to love you.

[filosofablogger]

A bit much, huh?  Yeah … I was trying to infuse the morning with some excitement, but … I think the cake, confetti and all may be a bit much, ’cause my stomach is flip-flopping.  Okay … how ’bout this one …

Oh yeah … much better.  So … welcome to yet another Monday morning … the start of a new {yawn} week.  I feared I might not be able to find anything humorous for this morning’s post, but as it happened, I popped onto one of my favourite sites for funny stories, and was chuckling within minutes.  Then, one of my feline housemates, Miss Nala, began her attention-getting antics, and I was, much to my surprise, actually laughing!  For those of you who do not have the benefit of four-legged critters, I must tell you, they are better than an old Three Stooges movie for brightening your mood!  Plus … there is the added benefit of fur on the carpet and furniture, hairballs on the floor … litter boxes to scoop … having to vacuum every day … mop twice a week and … oh heck, never mind … I just lost my own debate.  Okay … on that note, let us proceed to the fun part of the morning …

Safer Superbowl

Guess WHAT?????  This coming Sunday is … {drumroll} … SUPER BOWL SUNDAY!!!!  Now, I realize that my friends across the big pond probably don’t understand why this is such big news (frankly, I don’t either, as I do not enjoy watching football) and I’m sure would even argue that American football is NOT even ‘real’ football!  Still, I think you’ll get a kick out of this one.  I thought for sure this had to be a joke, but nope … it’s for real:

The limited-edition “Party Safe” Tostitos bag, designed by Goodby Silverstein & Partners, contains a sensor connected to a microcontroller that detects trace amounts of alcohol on a person’s breath, turning the front of the bag red and showing an image of a steering wheel and the message, “Don’t Drink and Drive.”

The bag also flashes an Uber code and contains technology that allows the holder to tap their phone against it to order an Uber for $10 off during and after the Super Bowl on February 5th.

“A lot of times all you need to stop short of driving after drinking is a friend who calls you off. On Sunday of the big game, we want Tostitos to be that friend.

I don’t know … most of the drunks I have known in my lifetime are convinced that they are actually better drivers drunk than they are sober, and nobody can convince them otherwise.  And … I have to wonder what a bag of these costs???  I will check when I go to the grocery later this week and get back to you on that …

Hamburger Harry

Now here is a guy with way to much money to burn … or grill.  His name is Harry Sperl, but they call him Hamburger Harry.  Harry is said to have the largest collection of hamburger memorabilia in the world!  I didn’t even know there was such a thing as ‘hamburger memorabilia’.  Now, if you’re thinking that by hamburger memorabilia, I mean a wrapper from Hardee’s, a crown from Burger King, or a toy from a McDonald’s Happy Meal, think again. Harry has a hamburger Harley!  Take a close look and note the onion on the rear wheel, the tomato on the front wheel, and the ketchup on the whatever-that-thing-is-called.

And a hamburger waterbed …

And countless other burger treasures …

Harry holds the Guinness World Record for “Largest collection of hamburger related items” with 3,724 items in his Daytona Beach home. He said his prolonged passion for hamburger memorabilia stemmed from his belief that the burger represents the core of American culture. Hmmm … maybe …  Ah well … I collect books, Harry collects burgers … to each his own, yes?

And speaking of burgers …

The Burger King up in Epping, New Hampshire, had a bit of a problem earlier this month.  It seems that customers going through the drive-thru would ask the person at the window if “Nasty Boy” was working.  If the answer was ‘yes’, then they would order “fries extra crispy”.  But instead of French fries, what they got when they pulled forward to pick up their order was a coffee cup filled with … marijuana!

“Nasty Boy” turns out to be an employee, 20-year-old Garrett Norris, who was arrested last week along with his shift leader, Meagan Dearborn.  Ms. Dearborn had this to say:  “I didn’t know what was going on, but since I took the order and gave them the food they charged me. Basically there was an undercover cop that one of my employees sold to and I took the order and I got arrested.” Somehow I am not buying that story, but I’m sure she will get a chance to try to sell it to a judge or jury sometime soon.

Two things I wonder:  What happened if you were an innocent customer and just happened to say the code word “fries extra crispy”?  I would be pretty surprised to find a cup of pot in with my order!  And … I wonder what they charged for those “fries”?  I mean, if Burger King fries range from $1.79 for a small order to $2.39 for a large … that is a bit below the going rate for a cup o’ weed, I’m thinking …

Dumb, Dumber and …

What do you do if you’re playing blackjack at a casino and you aren’t having a very good night, but you can feel Lady Luck breathing down your collar … you know that THE BIG ONE is just a few more deals away?  What do you do?  Well duh, you take a break, go rob a bank, then come back to the table with your ill-gotten gains and play some more!

At least that’s what Kerry Johnson of North Carolina did.  He later told a judge that he was under the influence of drugs, and I’m inclined to believe it, because the bank Kerry robbed was the same one he had done business with for 40 years!  Now I ask you, how smart is that?  He handed the teller a note claiming that he was armed with a gun and a bomb, and walked out with $5,000. “It was less money than I had in my account,” he later told the judge.  He pled guilty to second degree robbery and will face between 5-18 years when he is sentenced on March 2.

One more chuckle before I bid you adieu … my friend Herb found this video of a deer and a rabbit playing in a yard, and it is the cutest thing I have seen all week, so be sure to check it out … guaranteed to bring a smile to your face … Bambi & Thumper???

And on that note, I see I have taken up far too much of your morning and now, if you don’t hurry, you will be late to work and blame it on poor ol’ Filosofa.  As always, I ask you to pass along a bit of kindness today, share a smile, take a minute to remember the things that are good in your life.  Keep safe and most of all …

10 … 9 … 8 … 7 … 6 … 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … HAPPY MONDAY!!!!! A bit much, huh?  Yeah ... I was trying to infuse the morning with some excitement, but ...