#also i get to be all poetic and shit
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vaggieslefteye · 5 months ago
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ᴍᴀᴋᴇ ᴍᴇ ᴄʜᴏᴏꜱᴇ ↳ anonymous asked: HUSK and ALASTOR or angel and valentino?
#hazbin hotel#husk#hazbin husk#alastor#hazbin alastor#hazbin hotel edit#hazbin edit#radio demon#requested#make me choose#my gifs#dad beat dad#flashing gif#flickering gif#the full ask said ''in whichever way you define'' at the end so#i chose based off of which dynamic i'm more intrigued by. valentino as a villain and as a challenge to angel is REALLY interesting dont get#me wrong here. it's great. but THESE two have a lot of untapped potential for husk specifically#alastor is just there at the moment but HUSK. husk. it really is a mirror to angel's situation - everything wrong in his afterlife is#because of that gamble. but he WAS an overlord. HE was the one doing that horrible shit before. that's INTERESTING!!#he gathered and gambled away souls like money. it was all just a game to him. now HE'S getting his. a sick poetic justice in a way.#i am SO excited to see if they dive into this more!! will he ever self reflect? if he does will we SEE him doing this reflection? will it#be enough to play a part in him choosing to redeem himself? or even decide if redemption is worth the effort? i feel like there's potential#with his dynamic with alastor to influence that big time + his friendship with angel will also be a major factor#also making this set made me realize the hallway scene is like their one major interaction. jfc and it's fucking HORRIFYING lmao#look i loved their pilot interaction/dynamic as much as the next person but this is just. SO much better. more things to explore.#i'm really glad in the end that they were rewritten in this way. A+
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gingermintpepper · 2 months ago
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hi, i haven't read the iliad and the odyssey but want to - do u have a specific translation you recommend? the emily wilson one has been going around bc, y'know, first female translator of the iliad and odyssey into english, but i was wondering on if you had Thoughts
Hi anon! Sorry for the somewhat late response and I'm glad you trust me with recommendations! Full, disclosure, I am somewhat of a traditionalist when it comes to translations of the source text of the Iliad + Odyssey combo wombo, which means I tend to prefer closeness in literal verbiage over interpretation of the poetic form of these epics - for that reason, my personal preferred versions of the Odyssey and Iliad both are Robert Fitzgerald's. Because both of these translations (and his Aeneid!) were done some 50+ years ago (63 for his original Odyssey tl, 50 flat for his Iliad and 40 for his Aeneid) the English itself can be a bit difficult to read and the syntax can get confusing in a lot of places, so despite my personal preferences, I wouldn't recommend it for someone who is looking to experience the Iliad + Odyssey for the very first time.
For an absolute beginner, someone who has tried to read one or both of these epics but couldn't get into it or someone who has a lot of difficulty with concentrating on poetry or long, winding bits of prose, I fully and wholeheartedly recommend Wilson's translation! See, the genius of Emily Wilson's Iliad + Odyssey isn't that she's a woman who's translated these classics, it's that she's a poet who's adapted the greek traditional poetic form of dactylic hexameter into the english traditional poetic form of iambic pentameter. That alone goes a very very long way to making these poems feel more digestible and approachable - iambic pentameter is simply extremely comfortable and natural for native english speakers' brains and the general briskness of her verbiage helps a lot in getting through a lot of the problem books that people usually drop the Iliad or Odyssey in like Book 2 of the Iliad or Book 4 of the Odyssey. I think it's a wonderful starting point that allows people to familiarise themselves with the source text before deciding if they want to dig deeper - personally, researching Wilson's translation choices alone is a massive rabbit hole that is worth getting into LOL.
The happy medium between Fitzgerald's somewhat archaic but precise syntax and Wilson's comfortable meter but occasionally less detailled account is Robert Fagles' Iliad + Odyssey. Now, full disclosure, I detest how Fagles handles epithets in both of his versions, I think they're far too subtle which is something he himself has talked at length about in his translation notes, but for everything else - I'd consider his translations the most well rounded of english adaptations of this text in recent memory. They're accurate but written in plain English, they're descriptive and detailled without sacrificing a comfortable meter and, perhaps most importantly, they're very accessible for native english speaking audiences to approach and interact with. I've annotated my Fagles' volumes of these books to heaven and back because I'm deeply interested in a lot of the translation decisions made, but I also have to specifically compliment his ability to capture nuance in the characters' of these poems in a way I don't often see. He managed to adapt the ambivalence of ancient greek morality in a way I scarcely see and that probably has a hand in why I keep coming back to his translations.
Now, I know this wasn't much of a direct recommendation but as I do not know you personally, dear anon, I can't much make a direct recommendation to a version that would best appeal to your style of reading. Ideally, I'd recommend that you read and enjoy all three! But, presuming that you are a normal person, I suggest picking which one is most applicable for you. I hope this helps! 🥰
#ginger answers asks#greek mythology#the iliad#the odyssey#okay so now that I'm not recommending stuff I also highly highly HIGHLY suggest Stephen Mitchell's#Fuck accuracy and nuance and all that shit if you just want a good read without care for the academic side of things#Stephen Mitchell's Iliad and Odyssey kick SO much fucking ass#I prefer Fitzgerald's for the busywork of cross-checking and cross-referencing and so it's the version I get the most use out of#But Mitchell's Iliad specifically is vivid and gorgeous in a way I cannot really explain#It's not grounded in poetic or translationary preferences either - I'm just in love with the way he describes specifically the gods#and their work#Most translations and indeed most off-prose adaptations are extremely concerned with the human players of these epics#And so are a bit more ambivalent with the gods - but Mitchell really goes the extra mile to bring them to life#Ugh I would be lying if I said Mitchell's Apollo doesn't live rent free in my mind mmm#Other translations I really like are Stanley Lombardo's (1997) Thomas Clark's (1855) and Smith and Miller (1944)#Really fun ones that are slightly insane in a more modern context (but that I also love) are Pope's (1715) and Richard Whitaker (2012)#Whitaker's especially is remarkable because it's a South African-english translation#Again I can't really talk about this stuff because the ask was specifically for recommendations#But there are SO many translations and adaptations of these two epics and while yes I have also contributed to the problem by recommending#three very popular versions - they are alas incredibly popular for a reason#Maybe sometime I'll do a listing of my favourite Iliad/Odyssey tls that have nothing to do with academic merit and instead are rated#entirely on how much I enjoy reading them as books/stories LMAO
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ratatatastic · 4 months ago
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"Battle of Alberta, right? It was my first game: Calgary, Edmonton. We would play them in the preseason, and you know—trying to make the team I'd always be asking him to fight in preseason, always. I'd be runnin' my mouth—like, tryna fight the biggest, baddest guys, tryna make an impression.
And he would never fight me. He'd always tell me, like If you make the team, I'll fight ya. You don't have to worry about that, but I'm not fightin' ya preseason. And I totally respect it, I'm not gonna chase him down. It is what it is. He's established—I'm looking for my chance.
So I get called up, we're playing Edmonton in Edmonton: Battle of Alberta. [He's] over there on the other side, and it's like the coolest thing ever... you know, the buildup was crazy 'cuz I knew if the opportunity presented itself—if the game went the way I hoped it would, I would get an opportunity to fight him.
I remembered in warmups tryna skate by the redline initially just kind-of gettin' a feel for it—to see if I have to say something or whatever... He's got no bucket on, his big, bald head is glarin' around, he skates by the redline with the biggest smile on his face, and just gives me the biggest wink...
At that moment I knew Okay, he remembers. It's gonna happen at some point.
We were up 1, I think it was 2-1 going into intermission or whatever—Oh, no, I think it was 1-1 and we had just scored so the position I'm like Yeah, I don't know if I can fight him now because we have the momentum and we're winning the game. I don't want to lose a fight, then we lose a game and now I'm, like, never getting a chance again.
You kind-of gotta play the game within the game like [...] there's an opportunity to fight, and there's an opportunities where you shouldn't fight. Things weren't looking good, then they score and now we need a spark. I'm like Fucking perfect.
I just skate by their bench and I'm like It's time, big boy! He jumps out, we line up, and he goes We squarin' up or we goin' right away?
I'm like I'm not fuckin' squarin' up with you right now! We're goin' right away!
Drop em, we go right away, grab each other. I know he's a lefty so he's gonna let go—let's go of my right arm before he throws one. I threw one. Big boy went down, he jumped back up pretty quick. I don't know, I tell people all the time, I'm like I would've been in the league fuckin' 2 years earlier if there was good footage of this fuckin' fight!
For some reason—For some reason, the cameras cut out. I don't know if [he] had his cousins working the cameras or something that night, or if they're in the video room or what happened.
That was my first NHL game.
It's funny 'cuz Chucky was there—Chucky's there and he knows, he saw, he always laugh when I say that I would've been in the league earlier 'cuz he knows how things like that go. You get a little bit of energy and buzz around ya, and then kind-of momentum takes you a little bit further but unfortunate[ly], I missed that opportunity but I don't regret a thing.
[...]
The opportunity was there, I just—unfortunately, for whatever reason, the Hockey Gods said not yet." (Ryan Lomberg reminiscing over his first NHL game/fight) (x)(x) (please go watch the second link to see lombos giant smile as he tells this story jfc)
and other genuinely bonkers things to say about a hockey player in your first fight... like why did this need to be said like that...what
#ryan lomberg#lombo what the fuck#for the sake of clarity lombo does refer em by name but i think its funnier to obscure it in this case for people who dont know who it is#im sure edm and the bald description gave it away of who it is#but youll never fucking guess who this bitch is waxing poetic about#the wha the huh#HIM??????#WE'RE ROMANTICISNG THAT FUCKIN GUY??? REALLY????#i hate it here#this just in the guy you adore just said the horniest shit about the worst person you know#completely forgot they both were on the flames at the same time its been erased from my memory#(guy who does not pay attention to anything that is not pantr related)#but also matthew giggling about lombos little I WOULDVE BEEN HERE EARLIER IF THE CAMERAS WORKED RIGHT#how dare we lose him to calgary again HOW DARE#hello special little matthew cameo#the homoeroticism of it all#the inherent homoeroticism of hockey fights#why did he describe it like that#do you know what “scrappy ahler tries to make it big by fighting everyone in sight to impress staff and even challenges the enforcer vet#knowing itll make him look good if he does and said enforcer vet does not give him the time of day and goes i promise ill fight you when yo#get called up during the regular season not now and to which said scrappy ahler gets called up during the regular season and doesnt expect#much but gets completely surprised when the vet 1. remembers who he is 2. the promise he made and 3. even gives him a cheeky wink about it.#and the game is chippy from the start the ahler isnt sure theyll be able to fight hin but low and behold the hockey gods bless him#and he does he even gets to decide the rules AND wins it in one punch. the downside? none of it was filmed.#but the memory of that vets wink rings clear“ does to me man?#also. a classic case of hockey gods giveth. hockey gods taketh away.#sweetheart you can be gay AND also want your cool fight filmed honey youre asking for too much#yeah lombo does like calling men bigboy yeah that's a thing
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lgbtlunaverse · 1 month ago
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Everytime I see that "fandom is worse now because all the POPULAR KIDS got into it" post or any of the bajillion similar ones I die a little on the inside. You all sound like a 34 year old white cishet self identified gamer scoffing about how "all these girls pretend to like anime when IN MY TIME they would have bullied me for being a nerd" before he goes on to watch 4 more videos from a youtuber who participated in gamergate.
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journal-three · 1 year ago
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Blitzø being the main character of a show that's the spin-off of another show, but somehow aired a season and a half before the main show got even one episode out is somehow extremely on brand.
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im-still-a-robot · 26 days ago
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Terrible opinions in the vc tonight 😔
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lorephobic · 8 months ago
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idk how to even like. put this pain into words and i would normally vent about this shit on twitter, but the person its about follows me on there so like. anybody have skills for coping with the crushing realization that the person u love most in this world and have built ur life around sees ur current situation together as a temporary hurdle that's preventing them from their truest and happiest self which. is separate from u entirely? anyone know how to deal with this?
#live with my best friend in the whole entire world who. honest to god makes me the happiest person alive.#like im always waxing poetic about her in the tags on posts about platonic love#and i talk about her like she put the stars in the skies because for real it feels like she did for me#she is. the most important person in my life#and every day i feel grateful just to come home and sit with her#like honest to god i cannot imagine a future that is better than this#if i have a bad day i get to come home and my best friend in the world will make me laugh#what more could i ever ask for#but tonight we talked and she made it abundantly clear that. even if i do everything right#even if i'm the perfect roommate and the best friend i can be#in just over a year#when she's making enough money for it#she plans on moving into a place of her own#which like. makes sense for her. of course we were going to get to this point.#but i just. don't know what i'm going to do.#and it kills me that we're on different pages because for some reason i thought this was a long term thing#i thought we were going to move into a house together#i was just telling my coworker this week that we need to move into our forever home soon which was partially a joke#but also. even if i was making a million dollars a year.#i would still want to be here. with her.#or somewhere else. with her.#like it's so hard to imagine a future without her. it breaks my heart and scares the shit out of me.#and i know i can't afford it here. and i can't move in with strangers. and i'm working my dream job but i'm scared that i'm going to have t#give it all up and move back east because. i can't do this alone. and she's all i have. and all i ever wanted.#and she's leaving.#she doesn't want to be with me.#sry this is so fucking. ugh. idk. i just don't know what to do.#for real might just drop everything and move to chicago if it comes down to it ksdkfljdfs#its what sufjan would have wanted#fucked up terrible no good week
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outlying-hyppocrate · 1 month ago
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I DO NOT WANT TO MAKE UKULELE MUSIC BUT IT IS WHAT I HAVE.
#random thoughts#AND IF I AM PIGEONHOLED INTO THE STEREOTYPICAL TRANSMASC MUSICIAN BOX I SHALL EAT YOUR EYES OUT.#there's piano too. and there will be whispering. and screaming. and various other sounds.............#would like to be more like the people who inspired me to make music (will wood stomach book malice mizer) but i guess i have to make do.#with my shit. oh well.#there are going to be so many sounds. 39 specifically is going to have subliminal messaging. and you might get some. insect noises in samsa#you can guess why for both of those. (how revealing!!)#also i feel like 39 should have a music video but i don't have anything to do it with. ):#i hope that ONE DAY my music shall exude. vampiric dissociative death spiral. a creature at the heart of the forest screaming secrets#but also just a boy who is tired of pretending at the end of it all. track 09 is just so intensely that.#i think my favorite song on the album is 39. which is ironic because it's about the one thing i don't tell people.#but it's so good i don't know. visceral. reflective of my style perhaps ?#there's a ticking metronome in the background that penetrates your ears and hurts you ! ! ! ! !#and i don't bother trying to be poetic. i use my long and tangled words and i make them vulgar and violent.#i also like affections & apologies because it's the opposite. it's sweeter. most importantly it's for ciel. that's what matters. {:#afterwards i plan on releasing a song composed entirely of poetic nonsense.
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mistwalkers-menagerie · 2 months ago
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TRoP Season Finale spoilers under the cut
Fuck this show.
If this was fanfic I'd gobble it the fuck up but these people are writing official Tolkien stuff. Half-assed bluster poetics ain't really gonna cut it for me even though I'm not a Tolkien purist.
Rest in peace Adar, you would've loved the Tragedy of Julius Caesar (not)
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#never for a moment have i been a hater but#they try even if clumsily build up sympathy for the orcs through Glúg and through their loyalty to Adar#only for them to turn coat OFF SCREEN?#like yeah orcs will orc I'm not mad about them betraying him but HOW they betrayed him#like you give us a really cool concept of Nenya healing Adar's very soul the moment before you kill him off?#why tf was Adar in the forest anyway why not enter Eregion to execute Sauron on the spot?#he HAD to lose at one point I ain't delulu but this death wasn't poetic to me it was just a waste#like I see the semblance of logic in everything the writers do but it all falls so flat#like Adar had this big powerful moment at the end of ep 7 only for him to be Julius Caesar-d by GLÚG of all people?#there were signs but honestly#Glúg choosing fucking Sauron because he was mad at Adar trying to protect HIM and all the Uruks like#what was the point of Glúg then it's like they couldn't make up their fucking minds about whether orcs can be capable of redemption or not#and don't get me started on the Balrog getting like 30 seconds after they've been teasing it all season and even the season 1#or that Isidul the most crucial CANON character to the story didn't do shit all season aside from homewrecking lol#also Arondir is fine??? Apparently??? Like completely fine???#and the whole Rhún sequence was just filler in the end too#bruh#i've never been a hater before to anything and yeah there IS bias on my part regarding Adar but#irrelevant things are given depth and actually interesting narratives are left shallow and just crumble under all the flawed logic#mist mumbles#mist rants and raves
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aftg is a series about running and trauma and regressing and healing and becoming the person you never thought you could be and learning how to live comfortably in your own skin again. it’s about committing to the bit and about being a major asshole who has found other assholes and formed a family with them and about several paragraph long iconic roasts and it is about HEALING. AND JEAN IS GETTING HIS TURN. GOD.
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clingylilhoneybee · 4 months ago
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Think it may be time to make the tough choice :/
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therevengeoffrankenstein · 1 year ago
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'heaven's gate' is truly a pinnacle of all the references to not making it into heaven that permeate much of fob's discography. it is one of their most straightforward love songs. because of course it is.
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istherewifiinhell · 1 year ago
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I hope to be able to communicate. An emotional vibe
[Mirage 28, Story: Stephen Murphy, Pencils, Inks and Letters: Jim Lawson (as far as i can tell and so says the wiki). 1 page each by Eastman and Rich Veitch, not included]
[The style for this issue has a softer painterly look to the duoshade. All panels are horizontal across the width of the page.]
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[ID from alt: Two panels, Leo leaning over to look at Raph, who's in profile and glaring slightly downwards. He asks "Care to talk about it?". Close on Raph's face, still not looking at Leo, he says "No." END ID]
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ID from alt: 3 Panels. Casey leans over, gripping bridge trusses on either side of himself, asks "Hey bro', What's going down?" Raph's feet dangling over the edge of the bridge, its shadow cast on the water below. Raph says "The River... I suppose..." Close on Casey as he looks down skeptically "Um, Yeah. -- Hey, talk to me Raph. Really talk to me."
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ID from alt: Three panels. Raph in profile, gazes down somberly, he says "Can't. You wouldn't understand. You're... You're human. You can't possible understand. Wide to all three of them, Casey has shuffled closer, one hand still on the truss. He says "Say what? I'm what? You can kiss off, Pal." Leo on the other side leans back a bit. "The what about me Raph? Why won't you tell me?". Close on Raph, annoyed now. "You're crowding me Leo, you're both crowding me. -- Don't crowd me." END
^gets sick every time i look at this one (HIGHEST OF COMPLIMENT)
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ID from alt: Two panels. Close on April's hand. Holding a small turtle in its shell. Caption box "No... not this time, baby." Raph in the foreground, still upset. April and the other turtles sit along the bridge, all apart from Raph. April still holding the turtle, looks over to him. Caption box "When the hell will he simply accept all that's happened to him?" END
Second caption box references April's line in the 3 issue Raph got de-mutated arc. Which he spent the most time being looked after by her.
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ID from alt: Two panels. Raph sitting with his back to his brothers, looking down and upset again. Wider shot shows everyone on a raft, the other turtles sitting and Casey pushing raft along at one end, Raph facing the rear, tense, observing the water. April sits between them, not facing either direction, observing Raph. END
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ID from alt: Two panels, nighttime. The group sits around a camp fire, Casey standing to tell a story "-Like so much red white and blue Alpo. See, man, there was this..." Raph stands facing into the dark. Caption box: Raphael stood apart from the rest of us..." Wide of the landscape, moon reflecting on water, surrounded by trees and distant mountains. Caption box: "... And stared intently across the moonlit water." END
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ID from alt: April and Raph trying to move an unconscious being, mostly humanoid with amphibious features, their three bodies lit against complete blackness. Raph holds her under the shoulders and says "You take her feet, I'll get her head." April kneels to hold her ankles and says "Thanks, Raph." END
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ID from alt: Intricately detailed depiction of one of the aquatic beings while still in the egg, curled with its still developing limbs and large eyes. Caption boxes: I am conceived anew -- And as I grow -- I watch my people wither. END
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ID from alt: Wide scene lit by the camp fire. April kneels with the beings head in her lap. Four more of the species approach her and the body. Casey stands back closer to the fire, and the turtles, even further back, towards the shore line. Caption box: They've lost her. END
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ID from alt: 1. Two panels. Caption box: ... The only four of their species.... The turtles stand in line, Don, Mike, Leo and Raph, looking over the water, and the four remaining beings heads sink below the water. Caption box. "... just like-" The beings completely unseen now. Raph turns his head, looks behind them.
2. Two panels. Dramatic close up on Raph, looking back. The hint of pupil in the normally white eyes adds to the expressions intensity. Close on April meeting his gaze. Eyes wide with shock. She says a quite "-Omigod". END
ah. i was just gonna tag rant about this its getting way too long. oop
As i said earlier. this was ANOTHER ISSUE that was adapted into 03 during the Leo angst era. so they swapped Raph for Leo.
(NOT MAD ABT IT. i could go on a very long talk abt raph leo interchangeability and every time they've done that in adaptation, and why so many of the raph leo conflicts are about them being so so similar.
and how they are the person the other gets/gets them. and loss of that understanding due to separation or injury causes the blow ups.)
ANYWAY
03 didnt have the events that happened to raph that are referenced here anyway. those being. Raph almost being killed in a drive to solo kill the shredder (which... Leo Does btw) but more importantly admitting to Leo that he feels he has no control, that he cant think through his emotions.
And, again as mentioned, the de-mutation. It took him from weakened, to childlike, too deteriorating illness, until he's a particularly emotive large turtle, and then even less so to a normal smaller and smaller one. And this was caused by a very powerful being that thought he'd be happier that way, after feeling all the guys bask in the water, and be in awe of real baby turtles.
So these are the things he can't talk to Leo or Casey about. And this comic issue is one thats in the mode of "something written by april" like journal entries. And it wouldnt be clear cause i removed the CONTEXT lol. but that is her seeing a vision, from this dying being, of her [the being's] life and history, and its like. not pretty! not good things happening to the extincting amphibious humanoids.
So the lack of control, emotional and LITERAL, over his fate, his body, his being his mind? The things he cant tell his human best friend or his leader and brother. She goes through something impossible, she has no control, she fails at saving this being. And she sees it. And they see each other. And their is not a fix it at the end of that. She doesn't tell anyone else why she gets spooked. Everyone is just standing around each other in the moment, where its all not okay.
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please-picturemeintheweeds · 8 months ago
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Evermore anon, I just reblogged @wavesoutbeingtossed’s brilliant posts of that exact theme! YES something about all of this and the weight of forever, the reality of a a future that forces a person to get truly philosophical about joining together two humans in such a final and intimate ceremony. That introspection can recomtextualize a lot of relationship stuff that maybe felt more symbolic or abstract until it’s Happening.
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technicolorxsn · 8 months ago
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love how there are pretentious video essays that just repeat the book and meander and ramble about house of leaves. it's what zampanó would have wanted. it is not, however, what I want
#anyway i finished the main portion of the book#all i have left is the poems and a few other small things i think? ive read pelafinas letters#im thinking of getting the full book of her letters#but also they severely messed with my head so we'll see#i will say. i do get why ppl say the book is pretentious and frustrating#there was a lot of stuff where i couldnt tell if it was supposed to be satire or if it was genuinely just that dense and pretentious#and a lot of the codes were rly obtuse imo?#like... idk. some of them were super obvious like the sos stuff or pelafina outright saying what to do#but others like. man how am i supposed to know johnny waxing poetic about pussy was coded#i mean that one is also pointed out though much later but i know i missed a lot just like it that werent pointed out#and ive heard theres a lot of shit where the message you get is just danielewski????? which gonna be real. kinda dumb.#but i did also really enjoy the book#there was a lot of stuff in it that was just so compelling or poignant or whatever other word#the minotaur stuff is good (ofc id say that though i love me some minotaur themes)#also a lot of the scenes with johnny just...... christ#idk how ppl say to skip them hes so fascinating#yeah i could do with him talking about his possibly hallucinated sex life a bit less but also his story is just plain interesting#i still think about the part where the girl he was talking to runs over a dog they had picked up........ it was fucking chilling#and his hallucinations of dying are so descriptive in just the right way to get under my skin#the uncertainty with him and his family..... did pelafina try to kill him? did his father just send her away for being a bit too overbearing#over an accident? was there something else? what was the deal with his foster family? with lude? gdansk man and kyrie?#how did it get published? who are the editors? why did the band know of the book before it should have been published?#why does his journal section end with a story from a man he admits to making up completely? the doctor from seattle doesnt exist#the chronological end is more hopeful with him saying things will be okay but then he puts a previous entry after that?#i think the burning of the book parallels the story nicely#johnny said his piece; he nurtured the book as much as he could; but it was hurting him and he had to give up on it#idk!#this book does make me feel a lil dumb ngl
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carrieway · 1 year ago
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grips you all by the shoulders i dont know how much longer i can keep doin this man
vent n suicide mention in the tags i ran out of tags so i cant tag it dear lord it's all angst
#just woke up and feel like im dying already#all because of two very dumb factors#ooga booga i have bpd . i am burning from the inside out#i saw a post about bpd saying there are no metaphors to describe it because there is no beauty there is nothing poetic#it's just neverending pain and suffering and knowing you will die by your own hand very soon#and . yeha . no matter how i try to twist it into words that can help others understand while also not making them uncomfortable it doesnt#work#i can tell you it feels like knives are stabbing and dragging down through every inch of my being inside and out but that is still not close#enough !!!!!!!!!!!!!#your brains just . convinced everyone is out to get you#everyones saying shit behind your back and you are hated by every single person you love#and no matter how many time you're reassured you're just pushed deeper and deeper into that belief#n you're also just . so angry#so very angry#furious at yourself most of all but you also hate everyone you love#because they don't love you . they're lying to you .#they say they aren't but no liars want to get caught#ans then you're absolutely sure abandonment is happening so you push and push and push away#maybe you're a piece of shit to them bc then you know they left you bc of that and not because you're you#maybe you bring them too close in an attempt to stop it from happening and it happens anyway and you want to die#and you will die . it's so easy to die with bpd . it takes every fiber of my being to stay in my room rather than going to try and die#it's just batshit . you feel like you're inherently wrong and you dont have a place anywhere#you feel like you're losing your mind when mood swings happen because they will happen and they happen fast#a moments silence from someone you love is disastrous and world ending but on the other side they're just doing a small task#and forgot their phone#and it builds up and up and up and up until you cant mask anymore you cant pretend you're healthy anymore because you're not and then you#lose everyone#ive lost everyone so many times and i dont have many people now so im more or less clawed into them . they cant leave me too#i dunno . i dunno . bpd is so impossible to verbalize it's physically painful and i mean that i really do#you feel it in every part of you and you feel so empty and so alone even if you're not and then you feel nothing
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