#of course these guys who wax poetic mourning over the idea of not getting into heaven would

[therevengeoffrankenstein]

'heaven's gate' is truly a pinnacle of all the references to not making it into heaven that permeate much of fob's discography. it is one of their most straightforward love songs. because of course it is.

[themanicgalaxy]

SPN 5X22 Swan Song

hoo boy ok let's do thi-

CARRY ON AMV I FORGOT ABOUT IT I LOVE IT

?? cars?

CHUCK?

ok the car

time to wax poetic about the car

"after a little advice, huh"

ah the bookends

ah Dean isn't happy about this

of course

"watching out for you is kinda who I am" ah jesus

"maybe I gotta grow up a little too" oh my god go get therapy

ooo loneliness motif

oh they're... actually summoning him

angels don't sleep

this is Quite Tense

ah detroit

"yeah I'm aware" yeah this is Firmly the Dean show now

don't bring me back of course

fucking lisa of course

aw no poor sam

man come on this sucks

take care of these guys uh that's not possible

"oh i'm supposed to lie" CAS AW

very Anger of course

ah there's luci

what is with the car, the whole "this is what the kids were like" what are they going for

yeah he knows, of course

the shared look that bobby and cas do ahaha

ok so he said yes to lucifer?

there we go, there's lucifer

aw nuts he just chanted the ring thing away :(

fucking detroit

...can't...can't have shit in...can't have shit in detroit

well...that went well

ah Sam's fighting of course

ooo the mirror thing heh

we're gonna make Sam Luke, Dean Han, and the third character Doesn't Matter, I promise

i"m yoUr rEal Family

Lucifer the gaslight champ

ah the people who have been possessed by demons, manipulating him

seriously the ruby/jess thing slowly makes more and more sense

"you don't have to be mean" dosa;foh AHAHA

CAS'S SOLUTION IS TO DRINK HIS PROBLEMS AWAY I LOVE HIM

Junkless sissy

"we are not giving up" oh boy

ah he's alone in this, bobby's got nothing too

he just killed So many people oh my god

hustling pool

driving so long for whatever

watch the stars

seriously at SOME POINT SHOW US THESE

the impala is home huh, is that what you're going for

he calls...chuckoh boy

he interrogates god about his dating choices

of course it's lawrence

something something bookends

"you've got the doing something stupid look" ha

this is blatantly unhealthy at this point DEAN

something something unending faith in his brother

hey is this what cas finds attractive?

heyyy it's Adam

he deserves better

do they...they don't look like they want to fight?

no why are they doing this then

"what's YOUR point" heh

Lucifer is saying things, but is it because of his own thing, or trying to help

ah "you're a monster"

the faith in the father/blames the father's things on the kid vs. lucifer

ROCK OF AGES???

it's both ur brothers dean-o

the fucking impala

you should have hit them with the car

you got no reason to be here pfft

"you're next on my list buttercup" IFAPSF

HEY ASSBUt CAS I LOVE YOU

"did you just molotov my brother with holy fire" "uh no"

ITHWAPRAP I LVOE YOU

"no one dicks with michael but me" sir

HE EXPLODED CAS?

lucifer you suck

man I will give it to Dean, he Makes himself a pain

Bobby was out of ideas too huh

ah yes just beat up your brother whee

man this shot is just like invincible

the ARMY MAN!! THE ARMY MAN

do you remember wh-

man this show does play on its own past a lot

like it mythologizes itself

it snapped him out!

in we go Sam

Michael what the fuck

both of them

man adam deserved better

ah yes the mourning

CAS!! HE BACK

man cas should have been god, it would have been so funny

"that's a nice compliment" heh

"new and improved" ??

EYY BOBBY

Bobby and Cas seem fun tbh

the writers reaching past the screen and telling you their job is Hard

heh Cas is the sheriff in town

aw Cas wants to go back to heaven

WhaT about Sam

"you got what you asked for" I meannnnnn yeah

"peace or freedom" hm

no come back that'S A COOL THING TO THINK ABOUT

this man wants to die jesus christ

his fucking promise to his brother saved him

ah of course obligatory Lisa

man he looks so young here

they chose family huh

"nothing ever really ends does it" DSFHIAFASPFI AHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA

and he Zaps away of course

ok wrap up for season 5:

1. I fucking love Cas. He's funny, he's so great, and also him with his metaphysical questions like Yes, give Dean existential crises

2. Cas and bobby was so fucking good

3. I love bobby

4. Adam SO deserved better

5. BOY do I see where the narrative thing comes from. Like what's the point, God makes them do things for shits and giggles

6. I mean I'd say bittersweet ending but I'm still fucking cackling/crying over "nothing ever really ends does it

boy ten more years of this and that's without the spin offs

7. Boy Dean's ANGST here, and Lisa ends up being incidental.

8. Man having the impala scenes would have been cake but I think they ran out of time. yes, it's BiG on the past(and on themselves), and on blood family, and this bond is OVERLY attached, I think they should probably all go to therapy

9. rock of ages was HILARIOUS I loved that needle drop

I think they should have hit michael with the car, but...man cas throwing a molotov at michael and then saying he didn't and assbutt was GREAT

whelp

[verlysgaminglife]

hi everyone

it’s been ages since I have updated you all on my life and what has been going on. for quite a while I really haven’t had much energy to do much of anything. I’ve played a few visual novels here and there to keep myself from going crazy (literally) but other than that. All I’ve really done is stay in my room and sleep, stare at my computer blankly and just go through the motions to get through each day. 

I didn’t want to bring anyone down with my lousy mood so I didn’t bother blogging. With this blog prominently being about gaming I didn’t really have much to say at the time.  At times I did, but I just didn’t know how when my feelings were all a jumbled mess. 

but things are changing both around here and somewhere else as well. 

a very, very extremely long post after this cut. but, I wanted to give a full update of where in the heck I’ve been

I recently received some news the shook my whole world. one of the major events in addition to the low self-esteem I already had from my childhood though my mid-twenties was the two year relationship I had with a narcissistic man who wrecked my self image even more in the brief period of time.  (someone who always “encouraged” me to change my appearance and just about everything about myself with backhanded compliments) and was unbenounced to me cheating behind my back.  I was a fiance one moment and within six months I had been replaced with someone he had gotten pregnant. 

I should have been able to put this behind me since it happened back when I was 25 (i’m 42 now)  but between the years he would either email or pop up randomly at my family’s business to “say hello and catch up on things)  he was married with children by then and I of course wanted nothing to do with him. 

I have always struggled with anxiety and depression before I met him, but being with him and then after ending things having to deal with not knowing if he was going to turn up or randomly email me once in a while was stressful and I felt horrible for his wife as well.  I knew that if he was doing this on occasion that there HAD to be at least somebody else that was not turning him down and I felt sick. 

The last time I heard from him was before my family sold our business. he and his wife were ending things. (shocker she finally had had enough) but he had this *brilliant* idea that I was going to apparently drop everything I was doing and be a live in nanny to the children that he didn’t want to have with me.  yeah, he not only wanted to hurt his wife he suggested something that was a twisted knife in the gut for me as well.  and he asked with such a calm carefree look on his face like he hadn’t said the most terrifying thing I had ever heard in my life. 

I looked at him, opened my mouth to respond and this series of “no’s started  pouring out of my mouth.  “no, no no, oh, no.  no, no, no, no”    He looked at me in shock, and I was even kind of shocked. and i’m like,.  “ uh, sorry, but I can’t do anything like that.  do you understand that what we had was an abusive relationship?   I am having problems standing next to you right now. you’re constant negative opinion and criticism of me still causes emotional scarring to this day.  there is no way I can go back to that kind of situation again. “ 

well, since that day I’ve never heard from him again.  he was moving to another state. my family and I had soon after that sold our business and moved within the same city, but out of town onto our own property.  I had put my facebook on private so that only people on my friendslist could see my profile and with my agoraphobia acting up I don’t really leave my house all that much so running into him was not going to be an issue. 

as some of you know and have played many games over those 4 years. I was working on a master’s degree when I first started this blog and FINISHED IT! woo hoo!   for the first time in my life I finally started to get real professional help about my mental health and I was finally diagnosed with the conditions that I have always suffered from.  I have now been on proper medication for two years now and I feel much better.  (I’d rather be ON my medication when I go through a rough period like I have recently then what I struggled with most of my life)

but in the midst of all of this I was always worried about doing too much online because I was afraid of attracting attention from him.  I was on here sharing my gaming experiances and my playthroughs with photos and it had crossed my mind a time or two that it would be fun to do it on youtube, but anytime I thought of it I’d be frightened out of it by the thought of my phone ringing again. 

well, at the beginning of the month I received a very surprising email.  It was from his wife who I noticed was still using his last name.  She had told me that she was looking through some things and due to her own emotional response to whatever she found..she thought of me and wanted to know how I was doing. 

so, I replied that I was very shaky because I never thought that I’d here from her or him ever again.   and she said well you do know he’s no longer here it’s just me and the boys now. 

and I was like, yeah.  I knew you guys were not together anymore.  and then she sent me the most shocking story  I will probably ever receive in my life. the reason she left him is because apparently he had upped his abusiveness after me and it finally became physical. they had 3 kids together.  she was not only worried for herself but her kids as well. when he beat her she finally left. the cheating was bad enough, but she endured that for the sake of the kids, but she put the safety of them ahead of everything when he turned violent.   On top of that.  he came to see me and I let him know that OUR relationship was also an abusive one as well because verbal and emotional abuse is still abuse.  when I left that relationship behind I had always recollected that if he would have hit me I would have recognized it as abuse. I shiver at the thought of how lucky I was to get out of that, but I, just as I told her, in no way at all feel good about her having to suffer after me. and she was with him for much much longer.  I recognized that with her as we communicated for a bit. 

but there’s more.  sadly, when he was confronted with the story’s back to back of how much he was an abusive asshole, he drank more alcohol than he probably ever had in his entire life at that point and shot himself. 

There really were things about the guy that are admirable. I wouldn’t have dated him for two years if I didn’t see that and she wouldn’t have been married to him if she hadn’t seen it as well.  we both said the same thing. what we mourned the most was that we both saw the same great potential he had because he was truly brilliant.  

but the thing is, i’m not going to sit here and wax poetically over a guy that abused me (and his wife) and then practically stalked me (or at least made me feel that way) because I NEVER knew when he was going to contact me. especially because his wife sweetly asked me not to contact him.

 the only time I did (and she was aware of it) is that I got the best part of our ended relationship. our dog.  Max was such a great dog.  When he finally passed away since  Max was originally his dog I thought it was appropriate to let him know.   My mom and I had sighed with relief at the time because as sad as we were we had thought that the last link between the two of us would be gone and he’d leave me alone. 

I was in a mixed state of emotions for the first week that I heard the news.  sadness, hurt, loss, pain, but over all of that was this overwhelming sense of relief.  I will never be ok that he committed suicide. when I said I wanted him out of my life I never believed it would be this way. I’m crying again at the thought. so don’t misunderstand when I say I feel relief.  

 I always had this creeping feeling. like someone was always hovering over my shoulder. watching everything I type and If I became too visible with what I was doing I kept thinking...well... I’m trying to be open with the gaming community..but... on my about me page I’ve added my link to my  origin, steam even my flight rising  account.  what am I going to do if he starts his shit again? and there is no way in hell I could do youtube no matter how much I think it would be fun and no matter how much think talking out loud would be good for my mental and emotional health.   

yes, this is a long rambling post not only to update you on some horrible news, but to also let you all know that in the upcoming months I am indeed going to start what I had been wanting to do for many years now.  

I sure hope your still here because this is the big news!

I’m going to have a youtube channel that’s called the same thing as my blog Verly’s Gaming Life.   The idea for the channel is that it is partly about my obsession with video games and how that balances out my GAD (generalized Anxiety Disorder, Dysthymia, and Agoraphobia.    

I’m only going to play games that I have completed and love.  There is no way I can do a first reaction video (not good for my anxiety) I am also a completionist gamer because it is one of the only situations in my life that I can control.  it’s really one of the reasons that I love gaming in general.  I can finally control something in my life.  This is also why I never get too deeply involved within the game.  like I get attached to the story hardcore, but I never become the character.  I also make sure to keep an emotional distance from romantic characters in games.  

I feel that people online seem to get, like, seriously overly attached to fictional characters.  (and I say this with Penny and Thane still headlining my blog)  they headline my blog because I’ve yet to find a story, that has captivated my heart like those too.  but even so, I know that Thane was not a real person. I knew when people were going  crazy online about the ending and I had to step away from BSN leaving some of my close personal friends behind while they were having a very very difficult time. I felt so tremendously bad for them, but I emotionally couldn’t do that. 

 with my anxiety, depression, and agoraphobia, I just couldn’t be more than painfully sad that my favorite character had died in a video game and than I added that painfulness to my story of how Penny would  handle that.      I won’t get into it because It’s not my story to tell, but there was a real important reason I personally wanted Penny to go into a relationship with Thane with her eyes open understanding that he didn’t have long to live and accepting that from the moment they started their relationship. that they cherished each day as they came and she tried to live like a drell so they could stay in her memories. That’s the story I wanted.    

This is what I mean. I guess, when someone has a life living with mental illness we see the world in a different way and I want to share that experience with others. 

Two days a week (monday and tuesday probably) I’m going to be playing my favorite rpgs (you all know what those are. lol) I’m going to start with the Mass Effect Trilogy and yes, I’m going to be playing Penny’s story.   

on thursday and friday (casual friday) I plan to play my favorite visual novels and casual games that I’ve discovered over the past couple years. I really hope you check those out as well. Some have some amazingly deep stories and some are just cute.  some of these games are just as involving and long as the rpgs are with stat raising, romances, an amazing female protagonist, some have complete voice acting (except for the MC which will be voiced by me anyway) and others do not.   I even played one that had a base for the character, but let the person change the skin, eye and hair color of her.  I thought that was pretty cool.  

but in the midst of all of this on windsay I plan to upload, I guess a personal/progress diary of my mental/emotional health.  because video games really are a huge part of my life the games I play can sometimes trigger an emotional response out of me. it might even trigger a painful memory.  I might mention it while i’m filming that particular game of course, but I’ll be alaborating my feelings and how i’m doing on my weekly updates. 

This is also a chance for my family and friends that don’t really understand me, heck, some of them haven’t even seen me in a long time because I’m so closed off in my room at times. I’m hoping the channel by me having to face a camera (yep, i’ve decided if i’m going to do this I might as well go all the way) will help me confront some of the issues I know I have get better. 

no, I don’t plan to “make it big” this is really about my mental health.  I no longer have the reason I was avoiding it to hold me back anymore. as sad as that reason is.