#also i gave you all ONE mitski song as a treat

[mudkipper]

Oh yeah i made a playlist for these mfs because of course i did

[kindaorangey]

half blank, half apocalyptic [armand playlist]

half blank

i'm your man (mitski)

this song is like. a thesis statement of sorts for the playlist. every line is armand. but here's the key stuff:

"i can feel it gettin' near/like flashlights comin' down the way/one day you'll figure me out/i'll meet judgement by the hounds"

i find it interesting that armand let daniel interview louis a second time, even though he had so much to hide. on the one hand, he believes himself powerful enough to retain control of the situation; on the other hand, there's only so much he's willing to do to make sure louis stays - louis is suspicious of armand before the story begins and armand knows this, thinks daniel will help put those suspicions to rest if he can make it through the interview without being found out. far from exerting complete control over louis all the time, armand pulls the strings from time to time from the cover of shadow. so, by letting daniel come for the interview, he inadvertently bring about the unravelling of his lies.

"people always gave me love/others were never to blame after all"

there's a tendency among trauma survivors to swing from understanding themselves as a victim to viewing themselves as solely at fault for the damage done to them, and as evil. of course, these extremes are both kind of true for armand - he is a victim, and he is kind of evil and responsible for his own suffering. but the pendulum swing is what i'm talking about here - in the wake of his lies being revealed and louis leaving him, that sense of guilt bleeds into everything he might otherwise see himself as innocent for. this is my fault, therefore all of it has always been my fault.

geyser (mitski)

"you're the one i want/and i have turned down/every hand that had beckoned me to come"

rewatching s2 it's crazy to me how much armand throws himself at louis in paris, how quickly he's ready to let his coven turn on him just so he can chase after his manic pixie dream boy

"i will be the one you need/i just can't be without you"

as much as armand molds louis into someone who would want to be with him by lying to and gaslighting him, he also molds himself into someone louis would want to be with. he plays the victim, he's subservient to louis, he lets louis sleep with hundreds of other men even though he's clearly not thrilled about the situation. and i think he enjoys playing this role, but a lot of it is not good for him. louis makes a mess, armand cleans it up.

off to the races (lana del rey)

THIS ONE'S ABOUT MARIUS!!!! DON'T COME FOR ME!!!!!! listen i feel so self-conscious putting a song that is so quintessentially modern LA on a playlist about a 500-year-old vampire. but there really isn't anyone that captures the concept of this song better than ms. lana del rey.

"my old man is a bad man, but/i can't deny the way he holds my hand/and he grabs me, he has me by my heart"

"he knows me/every inch of my tar-black soul"

"light of your life, fire of your loins/tell me you own me"

"i'm not afraid to say that i'd die without him/who else is gonna put up with me this way?"

the power imbalance, the slight awareness that this relationship is unhealthy, but committing wholeheartedly to it because you sincerely believe there's nothing better you deserve, and nobody else would treat you better. it's armand and marius.

me and my husband (mitski)

"i steal a few breaths from the world for a minute/and then i'll be nothing forever"

anyone else constantly thinking about lestat calling armand "nothing"?

"i bet all i have on that furrowed brow/and at least in this lifetime, we're sticking together"

again, a big part of armand was willing to throw away his coven of 300 years to be with louis. he just latches on to louis as his thing to pursue and reason to live.

to be alone (hozier)

sexual trauma song woo

half apocalyptic

the kiss (the cure)

"kiss me, kiss me, kiss me/your tongue is like poison/so swollen it fills up my mouth/just, just love me, love me, love me/you nail me to the floor/and push my guts all inside out

just get it out, get it out, get it out/get your fucking voice/out of my head

i never wanted this/i never wanted any of this/i wish you were dead"

armand tends to seek out relationships that remind him of his relationship with marius - which is to say, one where he concedes control to the other person, and toxicity feels familiar to him. he simultaneously craves this dynamic and, naturally, resents it, because it's unhealthy for him. and in 2×05, i think we see hints of him conceding control to louis as a way to punish himself for what he did in paris.

f major (hania rani)

plucked straight from assad zaman's armand playlist! it's dark, it's elegant, it just has a really beautiful ominous vibe

tuck (yves tumor, NAKED)

mostly vibes tbh. it's unsettling to listen to, and i put it on here because it's unsettling to listen to. but here are the relevant lyrics anyways:

"tears on steel for you/you, you, you/piercing skin for you/you, you, you/scars in my heart for you/you, you, you/i fell off this world for you/you, you, you"

"tie me up/looking down/black mass ready/tie me now"

"have someone else's will as your own/mercy of the master you've never known"

it will come back (hozier)

this one's full gremlin.

[stawpny]

“oh brother this guy STINKS!”

anyways, ts been like a month 😭

how y’all doing?

you guys deserve hcs, it’s been too long

—

-York’s fav musicals are Hamilton, Mean Girls, Heathers, Phantom of the Opera, Wicked, SpongeBob, dear Evan Hansen and every other musical that has ever existed. (the SpongeBob the musical soundtrack slaps so unironically hard)

-^ ppl who I think he would play: Alexander Hamilton or Burr, Damian (he would play a killer Regina too), JD, SpongeBob (or plankton or squidward, can’t choose)

-doesn’t know half the time what he’s doing and why he’s there. he’s just.. there.

-is always shaking no matter what. Exhausted or ecstatic, always shaking.

-has 10 cats, treats them like children. when he goes to bed, they all just pile on, one after the other. (likes them better than his actual kids, but he doesn’t say nothing)

-If York ever did a musical, I feel like Cal would be like the best friend or second to the role. (Ex: Janis and Damian, Hamilton and Lauren’s, Plankton and Karen or SpongeBob and Patrick.)

[I’ll stop with the musical stuff now 😭]

-Jersey knows practically every song from every musical from York forcing him to be his duo. (I lied)

-has a weird obsession with birds.

-found a bald eagle, named her Betty (she’s loud and proud. also attacks him a lot)

-found an blujay, named him Mordecai

-Jersey found a raccoon, gave it to York, named it Rigby (ofc)

-Listens to TV girl, Weezer, Mitski, Taylor, Laufey, Olivia, Kanye West, Tyler, the creator, and others like that. doesn’t have a defined music taste (js like me fr)

—

uhh heyy?

well anyways, I hope you liked these

I was planning to make this the week after midterms but uhh, I guess I forgot

it’s like 3 weeks after I think now

ily guys <3

(the tortured poets department?! I started punching my sister (out of happiness) when I heard the announcement)

[aroacewxs]

2 5 and 9 for rui!! bonus points for 5 if its not a pjsk song ksdjhgdfj

sorry this is a bit late!!! was quite busy today.

2) favourite thing about this character

many things come to mind when im asked this question but one of the most personal and touching aspects of rui's character is definitely the unthinkable amounts of love he has. for everything.

how despite it all, he chose to love. despite his suffering, he chose to love. he could never bring himself to have ill intent towards anybody who has ever wronged him. he carries so much love for this planet, for every living thing that breathes. he handles plants with such tender care it makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry a little. even for inanimate objects like his drones and robots, he treats with such gentleness as if they were his own children. his mechanical darlings. you've got to be kidding me

and oh, how deeply he loves his friends, those who have led him through the dark with such tender, firm hands. those who put their trust in him, in him and his eccentric ideas and imagination with no limits. those who gave him a chance, those whose company says "i love you, i love you for who you are and i love being with you" more than words could ever express. those who make him question whether he's living his own life or one of an incredibly fortunate fellow in a stage play.

in the end, rui chooses to love. rui loves deeply and loudly in his own special way. and i think there's something incredibly meaningful about that.

5) first song that comes to mind

okinimesumama by eve :] his alt is my favourite rui alt in the entire game and it's just a very very ruicore song to me. iirc tokishun even said that it's a song that suits him very well BUT i may be wrong. don't quote me on that. I mean:

Waiting for the "1, 2..." signal Holding hands with you is An act of courage for me

Now, we form a circle and start to spin Bit by bit I come to hate it, but I come to like it Hey, hey, I don't even understand the meeting of my selves We steadily close the gap But we remain far apart

There's no meaning to being humble and respectful So bye-bye to my embarrassing dreams From now on, forever, let's get along

We now avert our eyes from each other Bit by bit I come to hate it, but I come to like it Hey, hey, I don't even understand the meeting of my selves I steadily become better But I'm crumbling to pieces Da-dum, you disappear before I can touch you

IT'S HIM!!! IT'S HIM! BUT ALSO i've been thinking my love mine all mine by mitski : )

'Cause my love is mine, all mine I love mine, mine, mine Nothing in the world belongs to me But my love mine, all mine, all mine

My baby, here on earth Showed me what my heart was worth So, when it comes to be my turn Could you shine it down here for her?

9) could you be roommates with this character

Absolutely Not. rui and i have many things in common, and not wanting to clean because we end up making a mess within a day is one of them. i don't think either of us would survive if you put us in an apartment for a month, actually. if you were to put two teenagers with an unbridled, hungry desire to create and the inability to take care of themselves, i do not think it would go all too well

maybe if there was like one other person who's very reliable, I'd consider it, but I'd just feel bad for them

on the other hand, we could really bond. fun times

THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE ASK :D i love thinking about this guy

[enfant-du-fleurs]

on the horns of a dilemma part 1 // Jake Kiszka x Female Reader

WARNINGS: angst, strong language, cheating, mention of alcohol and other substances.

NOTE: Hi! Well, as you all can see, this is my first fanfiction EVER, so maybe this could be very shitty, but I put all my blood, sweat and tears on this, and I’m not joking with putting my tears on this because I was crying meanwhile I was writing this, so… enjoy it. Also, english is not my first language but if I write my fanfics in my language... nobody is going to read it, so pardon me if there is a mistake c: There is A LOT of songs references.

Words: +11,000

Pairing: Jake Kiszka x Female Reader

SUMMARY: Jake is one of your closest friends since you were on middle school, they have grown up together, but you always had a crush on him, you never considered yourself attractive enough to be with him. Now, Jake is getting married and you're realizing that maybe if you had been a little braver a while ago, things would be very different. Everyone is tangled up on the horns of a dilemma.

PLAYLIST

SEE YOU SOON – BEABADOOBEE

I WILL - MITSKI

MOON SONG – PHOEBE BRIDGERS

ANNA (GO TO HIM) – THE BEATLES

THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL (COVER)– CARLA BRUNI

KNOWING ME, KNOWING YOU (COVER) – ANGIE MCMAHON

CRY – CIGARRETTES AFTER SEX

BACK TO THE OLD HOUSE – THE SMITHS

TAKE CARE – BEACH HOUSE

I'D HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT - LEITH ROSS

WIFE – MITSKI

_____________________________________________________________

Y/N’s POV:

Dear Diary,

Here I am after about... 13 years, maybe? Maybe more. I'm an adult now and I feel stupid to write here again, but maybe that's what I need, because if I tell this to someone in my circle of friends, they will surely see me as the most horrible and dumbest person in the world, although maybe I am.

As I had already written a long time ago, I've always loved Jake, perhaps when I met him, I only appreciated him as a good friend, but over time, Jake inevitably won my heart. When I was about 15 years old, I was finally able to accept that I liked Jake, but I didn't want to say or do anything about it, I didn't want to damage our friendship because it was one of the most important things to me after growing up a bit alone in such a small town. I just didn't want to lose him.

In addition to the fact that I never consider myself pretty enough for him to like me, because… he was always a very handsome boy, he got along with everyone and had many girls behind him, but the best of all is the way he treats everyone, always friendly, looking into your eyes, paying attention to every word and movement, these details made many people (like me) fall at their feet. Their girlfriends were gorgeous and I... I was just like the song; I was a teenage dirtbag compared to all of them.

I saw him fall in love many times, I listened to him every time he told me about some girl he liked, as well as every time his heart was broken even though mine was five times more broken, but I always had a piece of advice to tell him. There was a time when Jake would ask me a lot if I liked someone, but I always told him that no one in particular, always tried to change the subject of the conversation by making the worst jokes that could exist. He also saw me have some "romantic" approaches with other people, but nothing serious, in fact, I've always tried not to tell him if I liked someone, because I could never fall in love in the full sense of the word with someone other than him.

One time, when we were... roughly 16 or 17 years old, we were at an "underground" party with Josh (it was our first party of many) where we ended up terribly drunk. I still don't understand how the police never arrested us for possession of alcohol. Well... that's not the point, the important thing here is that on that day, precisely on that day, on a random May 16, he gave me a long, passionate kiss out of nowhere, he took my face in his hands, walked over without warning, and just kissed me. Why did he kiss me? He did it because he was... drunk, as far as I know, that’s why he did it, not because he had feelings for me, even Josh was shocked by that, but I remember being petrified processing what the hell was going on. The next day I had asked Jake if he remembered what had happened at the party, but he was sure he didn't. The answer was clear, he was never attracted to me.

Just as I watched Jake grow up and he watched me grow up, I also saw how his dreams were coming true, he was finally living his best life, he had the band of his dreams along with his friend and brothers. What more could he ask for? I was happy for him, genuinely happy to see him on stage shining with his family because yes, Danny was his brother too. I attended almost all the concerts of the band and I was moved in the same way because it filled me with pride to see him at school events, then in bars to huge venues, it's something indescribable and priceless.

Now... why did I do a little recap? the problem (well, at least for me it is a problem) is that obviously a lot of time has passed and although I repeatedly had the opportunity to tell Jake how I feel, but I just never had the guts to tell him and the big problem with this is that... he is going to get married in a couple of months, he hasn't told me personally yet, in fact I found out through Josh a couple of hours ago, I don't know why Jake hasn't told me yet and I'd rather not know, but anyway tomorrow we'll go to a cafe to have breakfast, well… we are no longer young enough to spend a whole night glued to the bar, we can’t  resist the same amount of alcohol in contrast to everything we used to drink when we were younger, although it’s not like we are extremely old now, but… is not the same as it was.

He has been with his girlfriend for a long time, I know her, she’s an angel, a very nice person and... I understand why Jake loves her so much, she is intelligent, nice, beautiful and is the type of person that makes you feel calm. As much as I want to, I can't hate her. I never saw her as competition because that idea seems absurd to me, besides there is no point of comparison, Jake is the Sun, she is the Moon and I am not even a star, they complement each other quite well.

______________________________________________________________

The next day, you went to the usual cafe in downtown Nashville, you were a little late and worried about leaving Jake waiting for so long, but when you entered the cafe, you didn't see him at first glance, which crushed your heart, but after looking closely, at the most hidden table, you identified his back. Despite the years, he kept his long hair, that day his hair was slicked back, and he was wearing his white cropped shirt. The years still didn't pass through his face. By this time, Jake had already removed his mustache, so he looked like he was back in his early 20s.

You gave him a little pat on the shoulder and proceeded to sit in front of him; seeing you, he greeted you with a friendly smile.

“Forgive me for being so late, I hope you didn't have to wait so long” you said while you noticed a peculiar shine in his eyes.

“Bah, don’t worry, If you took a hundred years to arrive, I would stay waiting for you all those hundred years” His answer made you feel a slight tingling in your stomach just like when you were a teenager “You are my best friend, I would wait for you as long as it was and especially because I have something magnificent to tell you” continued breaking all the charm, again -the best friend-.

“Oh yeah, well, go ahead” you said with a low-key forced smile.

“Okay, but first… let's eat something, I already ordered some pancakes, you just need to order something”

The waitress came over so you could order your breakfast; since your stomach hurt from being nervous, you only ordered a small sandwich and chamomile tea. As you and Jake ate, you kept glancing at him to see if he noticed you were looking at him and tell you why you were having breakfast together, you knew very well that it was to tell you about his wedding, you wanted to hear it come out of his mouth, but at the same time... you also wanted him not to say it and instead of inviting you to his wedding, you wanted him to tell you that his relationship with his partner had finished and then escape together from the cafeteria riding a horse with a golden mane, although you knew perfectly well that it was something very far from reality since he was apparently madly in love with his future wife. Even though you loved him, you felt bad for even imagining in the silliest way that he might change his mind about the wedding.

Jake lost his gaze in your tea to take a deep breath.

"Remember when... we said we hated Tears in Heaven?" he asked you meanwhile a giggle came out from his mouth.

Your eyes widened like two blooming flowers upon hearing his question and you answered serenely accompanied by a goofy smile "Of course I remember. And to think that Eric Clapton has praised you many times, only if he knew."

"It's that we had heard it so many times until we hated it."

“Yeah... but it's sad that baby died.” you took a sip of your tea taking away your gaze from him.

There was a moment of silence again, but Jake broke it with a sigh, "We've grown up together and we've come so far. Who knew we'd do so well in life? You as a journalist and me as a musician, everything is amazing, looking back at the things we've accomplished and now that we're in our early thirties...time goes by so fast."

"It's been a long time... now we're two adults who are doing... well, you're doing great."

"You're doing amazing too, you're one of the most recognized journalists in America."

You blushed letting out a shy smile that gradually faded "Well yes... but, I don't know, lately I haven't been feeling all that well emotionally. Sometimes I want to forget everything."

Jake frowned at your last words "Why? Is there something you want to talk about?" he leaned towards you and was looking for your gaze even though he sensed that you didn't want to look him in the eye.

"It's just... I don't even know why I feel like this" you lied "I think now I'm regretting not having done many things when I had the opportunity to do it" your gaze was lost to avoid eye contact, but Jake’s gaze was so piercing that it was hard not to see his eyes “But I don't want to ruin our breakfast so...”

"If you need to tell me something, I'll always be there for you, it doesn't matter if it's something silly for you, I'll always listen to you" he rubbed his thumb against the back of your cold hand, although you wanted to have physical contact with him, you slowly removed your hand. He was a little disappointed that you took your hand away from him, but on one hand he understood and continued "Well, we better change the subject of the conversation, don't you think?" you nodded and he continued "So... I told you to come here to tell you something extremely" this was where you realized that he was going to tell you what you already knew when you saw how his eyes lit up and his cheeks were pink; he looked genuinely happy "I haven't told you because like I told you…I can't process it but…I'm getting married!"

You feigned astonishment as you took another sip of your tea, but your heart was being crushed. As you set the cup down on the table, you looked up to meet Jake's eyes with a smile that hid pain. "Oh, Jakey. That's great! When is the wedding?"

"I knew you would be happy!" he took a sip of his tea "It will be May 16, but it won't be here, it will be in Scotland. Of course, you are invited, in fact, I would like you to help me a little with the organization"

When you heard the wedding date, you felt an emptiness in your chest and your eyes quickly began to fill with tears. The desire to cry betrayed you and began to fall from your eyes.

“Oh my god, Y/N! Are you okay?” he asked tenderly.

"Yes, yes, of course I am, I'm just... I'm very happy for you and I'm crying with happiness. That's it" once again you lied and tried to wipe away your tears.

Jake showed his perfect smile again that could collide the whole town "You had scared me for a moment" he giggled "But it makes me happy that you are happy and especially for accompanying me in important moments."

You couldn't feel bad about him, you couldn't hate him, or his fiancée, but you did hate the fact that things could be different.

While Jake was eating his breakfast calmly, you hurried to finish yours, you didn't want to be there with him anymore because you were going to keep crying and that was going to worry him.

Once you finished your sandwich and your tea you said "Well... my good old FRIEND" you made a clear emphasis on the word friend "I have to go because I have to prepare for an interview with... Tom Hiddleston, so that... I am very happy to see you and see that you are well and especially that you are getting married. As for your proposal to help you with the organization, I will have to check it and as soon as I know if I am not so busy, I will tell you" you asked for the bill of what you ate and as fast as you could... you left the cafe, not even Jake could tell you "goodbye" and on the one hand, that's how you wanted it to be because you didn't want to hear a "goodbye" from him. Also, about the interview with Tom Hiddleston, it was also fake but not impossible and you wanted to make him a little bit jealous since he knew how much you liked Tom Hiddleston when you were younger. Jake noticed that something wasn't right when he saw that later you didn't react the way he wanted, but far from feeling angry, he was very worried about you. He was hurt to see how gradually your behavior from "crying for happiness" changed to literally running away from there.

Once outside, you ran to your car and headed home. You didn't want to know anything about anyone. It was all so overwhelming it just made you want to kick Nashville to hell, be quiet and drive away.

_____________________________________________________________

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Y/N’s POV:

Dear Diary.

It’s me Y/N again being ridiculous and childish as always.

I went to breakfast with Jake to give me the damn news that he's getting married. He just wanted to see me there to tell me that he will have his wedding, he also wants me to help him with the organization and honestly, I can't do it, I couldn't bear to see him again, I feel so heartbroken and embarrassed by how I acted. I felt bad for having lied to him so many times in just one day.

I know I'm being fucking selfish, I know, but I've spent a lot of time hiding my feelings for fear of losing him and now I'm losing his friendship for being weird and losing him at the same time. I feel so stupid because I don't understand why I'm reacting this way right now as an adult, because honestly with all these negative feelings, I feel like when I was in high school, and I saw him with his girlfriend from back then.

It's impossible to hate them and I never will, it's impossible, they're both so lovely but they hurt me, but do you know what triggered my crying to come out? It was the damn date, the same day that Jake ever kissed me, that same day but from now...he's getting married. It disappoints me to know that day was only important to me, but I can't do anything about it, I can't force him to love me and after all... he deserves to be happy.

I don't know if I'll be able to attend his wedding, but I definitely won't be able to help him to organize it. I'll see what excuse I'll come up with to keep my distance. I know what I'm going to do is horrible, but I need to do something for the sake of my emotional stability.

______________________________________________________________

­­­­­­­­ To "calm down a bit", you spent the rest of the morning and afternoon watching movies like "My Best Friend's Wedding" and other romcoms to maybe comfort yourself a bit. You wanted to fool yourself that there was a chance you could cancel all plans and stay with Jake.

At some point in their friendship, they had said that if they both stayed single, they would get married and be together because they got along quite well, but the paths of life are not always as we want and although there were always people in love with you, you were always the maid of honor but never the bride.

When the sun set, you took the beer out of your fridge and gave in to the urge to drink one after another until you were completely drunk, although you were always aware of your actions while you were under the influence of alcohol, this time you stopped worrying about what you would do, you were so drunk that you bawled the lyrics of all those songs that expressed your pain, from Dolly Parton to The Smiths with "Back To The Old House", returning with ABBA and for the punchline: "Anna" by The Beatles. What you needed most was a hug and although anyone could give you a simple hug, you needed to feel the warm arms of your beloved Jake around you, but his hugs didn’t belong to you, they belonged to someone else, and it had always been that way. Your phone started ringing over and over again, checking who was calling you saw that the one calling you was Jake. You didn't feel like talking and you felt sorry that he realized you were crying.

"Jake?" you took the call "What happened? Do you need anything?" you asked letting out a tiny sob.

On the other end of the phone, Jake noticed that you were sobbing "Are you okay? It's just... I'm calling to ask if you're okay, I heard a weird sound and, in the morning, at breakfast, you left very quickly. You were fine and then... you left me"

When he said the last thing, your heart was crushed and you remained silent although the alcohol was nothing to cause you to confess everything, your brain was reluctant to say anything inappropriate "Oh... it's that... I told you, I had many things... to... do" your voice betrayed the amount of alcohol you were drinking "and... I had to... go"

"Are you drunk?"

"Um... kinda. Why?"

"Y/N, I've known you for a long time, obviously I'll know when you're drunk... and without me"

Jake tried to joke, but instead of making you laugh it made you sadder.

"Yes... I'm drunk, terribly drunk and yes, I'm also crying over a stupid movie. You know how sensitive I am"

Jake chuckled. "What movie are you watching?"

"Nope, I'm not going to tell you the name of this fucking movie, I don't want to ruin your day, or your week, or your month, or your life..."

"Okay? Well... I just wanted to know how you were because I was intrigued by what happened this morning and I even got upset and thought that you were mad or that I had done something that bothered you... next time you get drunk, invite me over, okay?"

"Yes Jacob... it's fine, I'll buy the drinks next time" your breathing (now calmer) could be heard.

"So... Are you sure you’re okay?"

"Yes... I am. Why? I already told you why I was crying"

"No, no, not for nothing" he sighed "I think... it's time to hang up. Anything you need I'm just a phone call or text away from you, well… you know. So bye!"

You wiped your nose with the back of your hand "Okay, I'll call you later" you moved the phone away from your ear and hung up.

Talking with him was relaxing, especially since he didn't mention anything about his wedding, apart from the fact that he had cared for you, it was very comforting to know that although his heart belonged to someone else, he would always be there for you.

Although you had kept your feelings to yourself for YEARS and had already seen him with several couples throughout this year, you had never been so scared and so sad as now. You needed immediate advice, but you were too embarrassed to give the context.

The first person you thought of was Josh, just like Jake, knows each other very well and was always close, plus you were sure that he suspected about your feelings towards his twin since the day of that mythical kiss. Either way, he was going to find out.

You texted Josh to come over telling them you needed some advice, he always had something to tell you and his advice was good thanks to his honesty, sometimes it hurt and many times it was far from what you wanted to hear, but without a doubt... it was what you had to do, and even if his mouth was full of reason, though that didn't mean you always put his advice into practice.

Josh responded quickly and agreed to come to your house, luckily his house wasn't far from yours, so it didn't take him long to get there. Once in your house, when you opened the door, he saw your red and swollen eyes, he felt your sadness and without further ado, he gave you the warmest hug that your heart needed.

"What happened?" you separated from him so that he could go inside the house.

Once inside and the two of you sitting in different armchairs you collapsed in tears "It's just... I feel so selfish for feeling like this, I should be happy and not feel so miserable."

"But if it's making you feel bad, I think it's better to let what you feel out, don't you think?"

"Just… please, I know I'm going to sound stupid, and I don't want you to judge me."

"Why should I judge you? I'm here for a reason and it's not the first time you trust me with something."

You took a deep breath to prepare yourself for what you were going to say since that would be the first time you would say it out loud and to someone else "The thing is that... it's that... I love Jake and always It's been like that but I'm a horrible person who never had the guts to tell him. Now he's going to marry a wonderful woman and he'll never know how much I love him."

Josh was extremely surprised at your confession; both of his eyes were wide open that it seemed that at any moment they would pop out “Damn...” He was silent for a few seconds to be able to process the information "I just don't know what to tell you this time and it must be one of the most horrible feelings. Why didn't you say anything to him?"

"Because I'm a coward... just because of that, because I was always embarrassed to tell him. Seeing him as he almost always got away with beautiful and intelligent girls, there was simply no chance for me, so I just watched as he was happy."

"I don't know if it's appropriate to tell you this right now" Josh sighed "but maybe if you had told him before, things would be extremely different now. Don't tell him that I told you, but some years ago he had feelings for you too, he told me almost every night, but he never did anything about it because even though you are his best friend, he always felt that you were a little cold, so he was afraid of being rejected and throwing the friendship away” he rolled his eyes “Fuck, you two are so dumb as hell. I bet if he finds out about this he's going to collapse."

"Collapse in what sense?" you said between sobs.

"Collapse in the sense that he's going to feel like an idiot" he covered his face with both hands.

"And if he loved me too, why didn't he do anything? Why did he go with other girls? Was I only his second choice? I have so many questions... that the more I think, the more it hurts."

"It's not like you were second choice to him, just that he's a cowardly fool, plus if I had no idea about you liked him, I'll bet my throat and left foot he has no idea either."

"I believe you, but it's hard for me to understand because even the date of his wedding will be on very special dat, at least for me"

"May 16" you said at the same time.

"See, you do remember that party and he doesn't, he never remembered that he kissed me"

"I had understood that at some point you two had kissed, but... I don't know why he chose that day specifically"

"Because he doesn't remember and maybe he did it before, but nowadays, I assure you that he doesn't remember"

"Assuming he finds out about this. Would you like him to dump his girlfriend?"

You kept silent because if you said yes, you were afraid Josh thinking badly of you "No, I don't want that to happen. I just want him to be happy and knowing him, knowing me, I think the best thing would be go away from him, it would be the best thing I can do, for my mental health, for his happiness and mine too. It wouldn't be fair to his fiancée if he left her on the eve of something so important."

"Sometimes you put others above yourself and that makes you not be honest with yourself, but I get it and if you think go away from Jake would make you feel better, it’s okay." he sat next to you to give you a hug again "Of course we would miss you a lot, but it's very understandable." he rubbed your shoulder with his strong hand.

"I would miss you guys a lot too" you sobbed "and in fact, I'm not going to attend their wedding or maybe I'll go for a while, but I don't think I can stand it. To make matters worse, he asked me to help him with the organization, but... I don't know how to tell him no because I don't want to lie to him anymore, that was enough lies, today I told him I had to interview Tom Hiddleston to get away from him."

"Why don't you write him a letter? You're good at writing and maybe it's easier for you to write about you feel than to tell him"

"Well... that would be less humiliating, but I think I would have to find the most prudent moment to give it to him"

You two continued the conversation, Josh made you laugh but sometimes the crying came back and you cursed yourself because you felt your behavior was childish but Josh made you understand that your feelings were valid, after all you spent SO MANY years holding them back and at some point moment, like a bomb, they were going to explode, and although some people say that time heals all, time never healed your love for Jake.

When Josh left, you were already calmer, down to earth and you didn't feel dizzy either, so you took a blank sheet of paper and a pencil, it was here where you would leave all your love for Jake.

______________________________________________________________

­­­­­­­­­­­­Dear Jacob,

First, I want to thank you for so many years of friendship, for so many experiences together, drunkenness, concerts, sad moments and of course, happy moments. I'm glad to know how much we spent together.

I recently found out that at some point, you used to feel something for me, something more that you wouldn't feel for a friend, but you never said anything because you were afraid that I would reject you, although that didn’t stop you from going your way. For better or worse, these feelings...were and are mutual to this day, however, my pride never let me be honest even with myself, and I didn't have the guts to tell you face to face either, but now it's too late.

This letter is not to reproach you or complain, but this is to tell you how much I love you and that I want you to be happy, but just as I want you to be happy, I also want to be happy too after repressing my feelings and desires for a very long time, so it's my time to go. Although we are adults, I want you to know I need time to grow and to exist. I don't want you to feel guilty, finally the one who fell in love was me.

I want to leave you in peace because you deserve to be happy, you and your fiancée are two amazing people who deserve everything, I want your dreams to continue to come true, that your life with her is prosperous and that the love you have between you stays strong. I don't know how long I'll be gone, but please don't look for me, I just know that I'll come back at the right time. I’ll take advantage of this trip to grow emotionally and professionally, I think I will be in Latin America to continue doing my job as a journalist. But please, again I implore you not to look for me, we both must live and continue our lives.

As you can guess, I won’t be able to assist to your wedding, I know that you are probably thinking that I am selfish, but I’m doing this for the good of both of us, it wouldn’t be healthy even for you

Promise me you'll be fine and happy.

Without more to say, thank you for everything, I will always be grateful to you, and I understand that things happen for a reason, and I love you, I love you so much that that is why I am leaving you so that we can exist.

I have no hard feelings, so... I’ll let you go, and I love you Jacob, but you're not mine.

See you soon.

Sincerely, Y/N

______________________________________________________________

While you were writing, the tears were present, remembering every beautiful moment you had with him, from the time he sang to you on your birthday with his beautiful smile, the first concert you attended together, the prom, when he announced that a label record company offered them a contract. Thanks to the friendship between you and Jake, you learned a lot of things, you lived the most wonderful experiences, but it was time to close cycles, perhaps in Latin America you would find another vision of things, start over, and maybe meet another person with whom to share beautiful moments as well as with Jake, but with reciprocated feelings for the other.

You decided to go to sleep because you had that tired feeling that comes after crying a lot. What motivated you a little bit was thinking that tomorrow would be a different day and that anything could await you. Although it was difficult to admit it, there was still a small hope that Jake would tell you that all this time he has loved you with madness and passion, even if it sounded silly and fanciful.

After sleeping like a baby, you woke up tangled with the sheets of your bed, you felt your pillow a little wet, you thought it could have been your saliva, but it was because even when you were asleep you cried a little.

You rubbed your eyes to see a little clearer and thus get up, once out of bed, you immediately went for a glass of water. You took your phone and there were several missed calls from Jake, when you saw the notifications, you felt your stomach shrink and you were even tempted not to call him back to unsettle him a bit, but you couldn't do that kind of thing to him.

“Hi, what’s up?” you greeted.

"Are you okay? Are you feeling okay?"

"Jacob, I don't know what you're talking about. Why do you say that?" you were really disconcerted because although obviously you weren't well, it was strange that he was worried out of nowhere.

"Oh…it's just, well, I'm not supposed to tell you this" he paused a bit.

"Tell me what?"

"It's just...I was talking to Josh last night and honestly...we were talking about you for most of the call. He's worried about you, he told me he'd been to see you and that you looked really bad, like sick and depressed, so I told him that it made sense because I told him what happened at the cafe"

You started to worry because you thought Josh had ratted you out, but you decided not to go any further.

"Did he tell you just that?"

"Yes, it was just that. Why?"

"No, no, it's just... he has a point"

"Y/N, please how can I help you? I'm shocked and worried for you as you have no idea"

You didn't answer, you stayed silent, and you could only hear how you were breathing. You wanted to cry, but you were able to contain your tears.

"It's just... emotionally I haven't felt good, I'm far from feeling good and I've repressed myself for a long time to the point that it's affecting me mentally"

"If you want to tell me something specific, I'm here, I listen to you and if you want, I can drive you home. Whatever you need"

"I have many things to tell you, there are many things you should know but now is not the right time" you sighed "Is that why you called me?"

"Oh... well, in this case, I understand that you don't want to talk about this right now, but when you tell me we can meet" you imagined his smile at that moment "and yes, I called you precisely because of that, also I felt that our last call was a biting and I got even more concerned about what Josh told me."

"Oh, sorry if I sounded rude or something, but I really wasn't very open to talking to you."

"Did I do or say something to upset you?"

"I don't want to go into details, but it's not something you need to worry about. In fact, I have something to give you as soon as possible."

"Well, I have the night off tonight, we could have a drink. If you want, I could ask my fiancée to join us and spend quality time the three of us"

You rolled your eyes because the last thing you wanted was for someone else to be there, you just wanted to have time with him, alone "Come on Jake, I don't want to be the third wheel" you snorted.

"But it's not the first time we'd do it, we did a double date once, do you remember? You were with that guy who was a Weezer fan"

"Pff... that happened a long time ago" you forced a giggle "of course I remember, but you said it yourself, it was a double date and now I would go completely alone. I would feel more comfortable if it was just the two of us. I don't have nothing against her, but it's something a little... more personal"

"Okay? I think I know where this is going"

"No Jake, you have no idea, I bet you"

Jake laughed "It's not like you're going to tell me that all this time you were in love with me, you're so unpredictable that I could expect anything but that from you"

The slight smile that was on your face was disappearing, sometimes you felt like pushing him or kicking his butt because of how silly he was, finally you didn't expect much because even though he was cute and you loved him a lot, he was a man.

"Don't get your hopes up, Jake" you tried to joke although you were discouraged "but aside from any joke or whatever you think it is... it's something extremely important, almost confidential, but as I told you, I won't give you more details"

"Okay, okay, I get it" he made his usual giggle that made you feel butterflies in your stomach "At the usual bar?"

"Yep, the usual bar"

Throughout the day you were checking flights to Argentina, Brazil, Chile and Mexico, it distracted you a little from the pain to decide which country you would go to start over. You finally chose to go to Mexico since you had family there and that way you wouldn't be so alone.

You were constantly stopping to think if what you were doing was the right thing, you even considered that you were being very impulsive, but you couldn't keep holding back like that either. It was now or never. You finally bought your ticket to Mexico City at 10:30am for tomorrow. After buying your ticket, you were looking for an Airbnb to stay for a week while you got an apartment and work there. Maybe you were being a little impulsive, but you knew it was best for Jake and you.

You were looking forward to the night, but your stomach hurt a little from the nerves, however it was something controllable. You planned almost everything you would say to him to avoid any undesirable situation, even if you were already in an undesirable situation. You most likely knew things weren't going to go your way, but you still stuck to your "plan."

Basically, your plan was to extend the conversation and just before leaving, you were going to give him your letter explaining that he had to read it when he was calm and comfortable, that it was not necessary for him to read at that moment, but alone.

It was time to go to the bar, you didn't try to get ready, it was just a pair of mom jeans, a plain black long-sleeved shirt, a cardigan, and a red scarf, it wasn't really cold, but you liked your scarf, besides that made you feel protected at times like these. Also, your makeup was very simple, you just put a little eyeliner that adorned your sad eyes. You took your letter and put it in an envelope, it had no decoration or anything like that, you just sprayed a little of your usual perfume so that it would not be something so apparently simple, because what really mattered was each word that was written on the sheet of paper.

On the way, you were playing with your fingers, also every so often you were rubbing your hands on your lap to remove the sweat from them. The driver saw you so nervous that he avoided making conversation with you, a gesture that you appreciated with a generous five stars as a review.

From outside you could hear the band that played that night in the bar, it was a cover band that didn't sound bad. By this time, Greta Van Fleet were already among the most popular bands in the United States, so it was common to hear everywhere followed by songs by Aerosmith, Queen and other rock greats, so you could hear from the parking lot that they were playing "Highway Tune", you immediately thought that if Jake was already inside, he was probably with a smile full of pride... or maybe he was carefully observing every movement of the guitarist to see if he was doing it right.  

You stopped before you texted Jake to see if he was here yet, if so he would probably be at the farthest table so it was important to know where he was. He took a while to answer you, but he had told you that he was indeed already at the bar.

Once inside, you looked for the table next to the window on the left side and there he was, he looked... calm and that's how you wanted to remember him.

He was watching you, his face lit up with a smile like that of a child who sees his mother after a long day at school.

"Y/N, it's good that you're here! I'm all ears, tell me what you want. Shall I ask you for something?"

"Jake! Wait, I'll go to ask for my drink, I'll be right back" you left your bag on the chair where you were going to sit and quickly went to order a rum and coke without ice and preferably more rum than coke. Once you had it in your hands, you took a sip and said to yourself "Tonight is going to be worth it if it's going to be our last night" when you returned to your place, you settled in front of Jake and gave him a look full of nostalgia.

"Hey Y/N What's up? Why are you looking at me like that?" he said worried as the band played "Anna" by the Beatles.

"It's just... all this fills me with nostalgia, and I would like things to be like before"

"But it hasn't been long since we last went out drinking with the boys."

"No, it's not that" you took a sip from your glass "I mean something else, we are becoming more and more adults and our lives are taking a different course due to small actions of the past"

"Why?" He took a long drink from his beer.

"It's just... every day I regret more of what I didn't do before and that makes me so sick that it's affecting my relationship with other people, even... with you" you took off your scarf and left it on the back of the chair.

"If so, I think you do not have to worry, we have so many years of friendship, we know everything about each other, we have listened to each other so much. Honestly, many of the best things would not have happened to me if I hadn't met you, in fact Greta Van Fleet wouldn't have had the same popularity that we have now" he smiled and took another drink, now shorter "now that I'm saying this, do you remember when everyone said that we were going to end up married?"

Your eyes widened like a pair of white plates and you shook your head, obviously you remembered perfectly well, but you pretended you didn't.

"They always thought that at some point we would end up together or something and look at us now. Our friendship will last until the end of the world, so if you feel bad... just tell me” You wanted to be angry with him for saying things so hurtful to you, but you couldn't be mad at him for two simple reasons: one, he had no idea how you felt about him and two, he was Jake.

"Jake, look, I have a lot of things to tell you, you have no idea how much I want to tell you everything that has me wrong, but it will be a little later, right now I want to clear my head, I know that we are here together to talk about what worries me , but first I want to be... happy because this may be the last time I see you"

Jacob immediately put on the most serious face you've ever seen "How could this be the last time I see you? What are you going to do?"

"Remember I told you I had something for you?"

He nodded.

"Well, it has something to do with -it-"

"But what about my wedding?" he paused with an incredulous face "Ah, I think I know where this is going! Surely it has something to do with my bachelor party, right?"

You wanted to slap him and tell him everything at once, but you just shrugged your shoulders with a forced smile. The band now played something more relaxed, they opted to play an acoustic version of Juliet by Cavetown.

"Well, that doesn't matter right now, we're going to drink in the wildest way possible like in our old days" Jake said lifting his beer.

"Like pirates?" you asked with a tender but melancholic gaze.

"Like Pirates"

Beer after beer and rum after rum, you laughed at every nonsense word that sounded funny in your head, it really was like going back in time to when you were about 23 years old and going from bar to bar in different countries to have a good time along with the rest of the band. Although going out with them was frequent, the outings with them became more and more serious, it was no longer for fun, they were already to relieve stress and due to the responsibilities of each one, it was already more difficult to meet with the whole band.

"Hey Jake, does she have a problem with you getting drunk with me?"

Jake snorted and slowly answered "No, not at all…she knows…and she trusts you a lot"

They soon drifted off topic and continued talking about the absurd things of their day to day, even Jake let it slip to tell you that his fiancée was sometimes very scolding with him for not being as organized as she was and that sometimes he felt like a child little boy with her, he loved her but there were many things that he disliked. You might as well draw him out and screw the wedding, but you weren't cruel enough to do it.

The night progressed until it was your time to go, you had had a good time with him, you laughed a lot and remembered many beautiful things, but it was time to put your feet on the ground.

"I haven't laughed like I did right now for days" you giggled "but it's time to go, I have to get my things ready for tomorrow"

"Are you going somewhere?"

"You will know"

You took your bag and got up from the chair, but Jake took your hand, you felt his calluses from the tips of his fingers on the back of your hand. Your gaze met his and although both of you were a little dizzy, clearly his gaze was expressing what you wanted so much to see reflected in his eyes. It was love.

"Y/N…please stay" he whispered.

"No Jake, I can't. It's too late for this"

Now his hand was holding you tighter and at any moment he could have dropped to his knees to beg you to stay with him.

"Please stay with me, I want you to be by my side forever"

"Jake, you're saying this because you're drunk. You're just talking incoherently and that's enough because... you're hurting me" he let go of your hand without any another word and settled back into his chair.

"I'm sorry, but it's just... there are things I can't say when I'm sober"

"Well, I would really appreciate it if you would tell me sober and not like that because once you kissed me when you were drunk and while you forgot about it the next day, it meant a lot to me all my life!" everything began to get out of control and without shame, you began to cry in front of him, with that you had said everything and without having to give him the letter.

Jake looked at you in disbelief, he was trying to decipher what you had just said, because he didn't know if it was a reproach, or you were confessing your love. You began to rummage through your bag to pull out the letter and hand it to her.

"Here's what I wanted to give you" again his eyes met yours "read it when you can, as long as you're alone" without further ado, you took your phone to put it in your bag and almost ran out of the bar. It was so fast Jake couldn't even stop you...again.

You ran far from the parking lot and ordered an uber to take you home. Coincidentally, the same driver who brought you to the bar was the same one who came to pick you up, but this time, he saw that you were crying and before starting he told you "You're still very young, I bet whoever made you cry will have a really bad time" you thanked him for his words and the car started straight home.

He was so shocked and completely speechless, he just stood there by the hand with the envelope in his hands. They had to spend a few seconds to sat down and run both hands through his hair.

As the band played "Back to The Old House," Jake desperately tore open the envelope and pulled out your letter. He turned the letter over both sides, he was looking at the details of the page and then he started to read it. At first, his expression was serious, but as he was reading, his heart was shrinking, and he felt that singular sting that appears when you want to cry.

He had mixed feelings, he didn't know if he was angry with himself or with you and he didn't know if he was sad either, but as soon as he finished reading your letter, he picked up his phone to call you. Looking up from him, he saw that you dropped your red scarf and took it to hold it close to him.

When your phone started ringing, you answered the call by inertia, not even checking that Jake was calling you.

"Y/N...you forgot your scarf"

You turned to see your things and covered your face with your right hand "You can keep it; I can't go back" you said between sobs.

"Hey, listen, I already read your letter..."

"It's too late to talk about this"

"But I want to talk about your letter"

"But I don't want to, please"

"But why not?"

"Because it's late, didn't you hear?!"

"It's just... it's just... I'm mad that you didn't tell me sooner! You make me between a rock and a hard place! Why are you doing this to me right now?" he was crying too, her helplessness was more than her sadness.

"Because I just couldn't take it anymore, Jake! I've been holding it in for a long time and I can't anymore!" the crying got even louder "and I'm also mad at myself for not telling you sooner, but anyway, there's nothing to do. Tomorrow I'm out of here"

"Y/N, please don't do this to me right now, I need you, I want you to stay with me"

"Jake... you already have someone to stay with you for a long time"

"I'll come see you tomorrow"

"I already told you, I beg you not to look for me anymore. Let me exist in peace, every day that passes the pain that you are not with me becomes more intense and it is not fair for you because you are already happy, I am supposed to I'm fine, but I'm not. Please, it's about time we went our separate ways" you snorted "You know something? I'm at the uber and the poor driver is listening to all this. I'm going to hang up because it's embarrassing" without further ado you ended the call and apologized to the driver.

"Don't worry, I didn't pay attention to your conversation, anyway, if it's any consolation... things happen for a reason, everything has a reason to be and exist, I know that the current outlook for you is bleak, but the universe arranges things in a certain way to obtain learning"

The rest of the way was silent until you got home, you thanked the driver and finally walked through your front door. Once inside, you desperately ran to your room to grab your suitcase and put your clothes inside it along with other important things. Your tears were still rolling down your cheeks and Jake kept calling you insistently.

Again, you took the call just to see how things would end and at least give a calmer end to all this "Jake, now what?"

"Are you home already?"

You thought about your answer because if you said you were at home, he would come to see you "No... not yet"

"Can we talk about your letter now? I don't want things to end like this" he sounded very desperate.

"Me neither... and sorry for reacting like that"

"You don't have to apologize, finally... I said a lot of things that could have hurt you, but I didn't know I was doing it, in fact I never thought you loved me that way"

They were both speechless, only Jake's light crying, and your sobs could be heard, that was all.

"Jake... I'm already home"

"Can I go to see you?"

"Just for a while because I don't want to sleep so late"

While you waited for Jake to arrive, you continued to pack your things and arrange the small backpack that you would carry during your flight. You were beginning to regret your desperate journey. What would happen to your family and your house? So you decided to stay in Mexico for a little while to try out what life is like there and take it as a vacation instead of making it your whole life.

The doorbell rang twice and it was obviously Jake. You weren't in much of a rush to get downstairs and to the door, but once you opened it, Jake hurried inside your house.

"I need to talk about it" he said taking the letter.

"What do you want to know?" you asked closing the door "everything you need to know is there, the one who should make the questions should be me"

"I'm an open book. Let's get this over with." he flopped down on the loveseat and rubbed his hands against his skinny legs.

"In all honesty... do you remember that time you kissed me?"

"Yes, I know what happened, but I don't remember when exactly"

"It was a May 16..."you said.

Jake looked up to meet yours, her face reflecting surprise "I swear I... I didn't remember the date"

"I noticed, but I don't entirely blame you, finally you were drunk, and we were two dumb teenagers." You were still standing in front of him until Jake patted the couch twice for you to sit next to him. Once at his side you continued with your questions "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me if you liked me so much? I know I did the same, but I already explained my reasons, all you need to do is tell me what happened "

"It's just..." he moistened his lips "even though you're my best friend, I always felt you a little... you know, distant, very serious, cold and that you were never going to fall in love with a person as disastrous as me. Simply because you and I are polar opposites, and that's why I thought that our thing was not going to work, plus I was very afraid that you would reject me and therefore make our friendship uncomfortable. But I saw that our friendship anyway, now it depends on a thread, and I could lose you sooner than I thought. Frankly, I've always loved you, it's just that for a long time I gave up the idea that one day you would be with me, and this doesn't mean that I don't love my fiancée, but I just... gave up. It obviously hurt every time I saw you with a guy, even though I knew they were just casual dates, but still…the pain was there. I know that you can misunderstand the fact that I have gone out with some girls, because I did love them, but I never felt the same intensity as with you"

You began to play with your hands and avoided looking into his eyes "Finally we're not so -opposites- we're both scaredy idiots" you let out an unfunny laugh "we could have had it all but because of the damn fear we lost it all, too late to make amends, so I think it's best that we just let's go our way"

Jake turned to you "I wouldn't say it's late"

"Jake, the dice were already rolled from the start. Of course, it's already late, you’ll be taking a very important step in your life, don't do something rash impulsively, don't hurt your fiancée, she's a very nice person and she genuinely loves you"

He was desperately looking for your eyes and your hands "It no longer makes sense for us to keep hiding what we feel, I admit it, you too, what difference does it make?" he came even closer to you and took your hands tightly "Let's go to Latin America together, let's run away together like when we used to sneak out at night to go to parties"

You let go of your right hand and took his chin gently "But this isn't a party, this is real life and… I'm leaving tomorrow" you pushed his hand away and continued "besides, that wouldn't be the right thing to do, it would be very hurtful for your fiancée, you can't leave her like this a couple of months before a wedding" Jake shook his head, directing his gaze to his hands and you continued "So... if you want to do things right, settle your affairs first and then come to find me."

"How am I supposed to find you?" he asked you with a bit of desperation.

"You'll know, but for now, if that's what you want…you know what to do"

He looked at you with a certain sadness, he didn't know whether to direct his gaze because he also felt a little embarrassed to turn to look at your eyes. Even though you really wanted to hold his hands and peck every inch of his face, you were thinking about how his fiancée would feel if she found out that you two kissed, so in solidarity with her, you refrained from kissing him. The only thing left now was to wait.

Jake got up from the love seat and scratched the back of his neck, still looking down "Well, I think we heard the things we needed to tell each other” You nodded biting your thumb nail "it's too late and... I think I have to go now; you'll need a lot of sleep for your flight tomorrow."

"Thanks for coming Jake... I really needed this" you also got up after him. He gave you a soft smile but still a little sadness in his eyes. You felt a little bad seeing him like that so as he headed for the door, you slowly approached his back and then hugged him just as he was about to touch your doorknob making it stop completely.

Tears welled up in your eyes quickly, there was no way to stop your tears. When Jake felt your arms wrap around his back, he reached for your arms so he could turn to you and hold you like it was always meant to be "I'm going to do the right thing, I promise I'll do the right thing" he gently brought your head close to his chest; you could hear every strong beat of his heart.

You lasted a few minutes hugging until Jake left your house. Before he opened the door of his car he exclaimed "I'll come for you! Please wait for me!"

"I’ll be waiting! If you took a hundred years to arrive, I would stay waiting for you all those hundred years!” you exclaimed watching as he closed the door of his car.

Once inside your house, you leaned against the door and let yourself fall. It took so many years to confess your feelings, something that looked so easy but was so complicated to do. You needed to hit rock bottom to change your situation. You needed to sleep to get up early and go to the airport, what was next in your life was to let yourself be surprised by the wonders of life in Mexico and wait for Jake to come for you, but not in the sense of rescuing you like a princess, but to accompany you on your new adventure. Once in your bed, you tucked yourself in and it didn't take long for your eyes to close. The day ended with a small smile on your face.

On the other hand, Jake was on his way home, still reflecting on what had just happened, he still couldn't believe that you were keeping your feelings to yourself for so long, although he couldn't help but think that he was also stupid for not telling you before. Along the way, the best he could do was call his best friend who was also his twin.

After two unanswered calls, Josh finally answered the phone on the third call. With his sleepy voice it was heard as he said "hello" almost like a whisper.

"Josh... it's me" Jake said eagerly.

"I know it's you. Don't you think it's too late to call me right now?"

"Yes, yes, I know it's late, but I have something to tell you” There was no response from Josh other than the slight sound of his breathing "Josh... I'm not getting married"

The curly-haired brother's eyes widened, and he jumped up from the bed "Don't fuck with me, what the fuck did you do? Did you cheat on her?"

"No, of course not," Jake replied indignantly, "I just…I've been pondering if I really want to spend my whole life with her under a stronger commitment than just living together."

"It has nothing to do with Y/N right?"

"I'd like to say no, but actually yes"

"I knew it! I knew this was going to happen!" he hit the mattress with his right hand frantically "And you know it perfectly well, I always told you to tell Y/N before someone got hurt and now her and your fiancée are or will be hurt."

"I know and I feel stupid, I just did a drama at Y/N's house and I just went to make a fool of myself, but it doesn't matter because... honestly, a weight was lifted off my shoulders.”

"Maybe you don't feel that pain anymore that you used to have every time Y/N dated a person, but what I'm really worried about is how you're going to tell your girlfriend...fiancée or whatever that you're not getting married anymore. "

"I don't know…" he sighed and scratched the back of her neck "I honestly don't know how I'm going to do it; besides, Y/N is going to Mexico tomorrow and I think she'll be there for a long time.”

"I did know that, she'll be there for a long time, I think she wants to start things over there."

"Why did you not tell me?" he hit the steering wheel "Maybe I could have stopped her from leaving and we could have worked things out."

"No Jake, obviously I wasn't going to tell you that she was leaving because you were busy with your stuff, plus I'm sure she didn't want you to know, and I had to respect that"

Jake was overwhelmed with despair and conflict. "I told her that I wasn't getting married anymore and that... I would come back for her." His eyes began to get teary.

His brother let out a long sigh of desperation and anguish "Jake, brother... don't make promises if you can't keep them."

"Why do you say I can't keep it?" Jake raised his voice.

"Let's face it, it's going to take you too long to tell her you don't want to get married anymore. I know you so well."

Jake was upset with what his brother had just told him, however, he knew he was telling the truth, telling his now ex-fiancée was going to be extremely difficult, but sooner or later he had to do it, besides, he had just had the lesson of his life about saying things and being honest with the people around himself.

He drove to his house, parked the car and when he entered, there was that girl with whom he wanted to take a step forward by marrying her. She had fallen asleep in the couch that was looking at the window to see him arrive. She apparently thought of staying up to wait for him, but her sleep defeated her.

She really was a very good woman, you could see that she genuinely loved Jake, she cared a lot about him, trusted him and was willing to do anything for him, almost like you, the only difference between her and you it was that Jake was with her, but you loved him just the same.

When Jake saw her asleep, he felt a lump in his throat, because he knew how much she loved him and it would break her into a thousand pieces to know that he no longer wanted to marry her, much less... continue with a relationship that was not reciprocal. She gave a lot and Jake apparently did too, but the truth was that he was never going to love her the same way.

He sat down next to her, looked at her face carefully, from her long eyelashes to the small pimple that appeared on her right cheek. It didn't take long for Jake to remove the hair that covered her forehead, although he did it carefully, it made her wake up. Opening her eyes, her lips curved into a smile until she met Jake's anguished face. "What's up, baby?" she asked her.

Jake didn't answer her question, he kept stroking her hair. She was silent for a few minutes until he said "Nothing, nothing's wrong. Keep sleeping" he closed his conversation with her with a small kiss on her forehead, releasing a small tear that rolled from his eyes to her cheek.

"We talk tomorrow, okay?" The woman with long dark hair nodded with the same smile as before and continued with her deep sleep while Jake kept looking at her sadly thinking about how he was going to put an end to his problem, although surely one of them would get hurt, well, he had two options : stay with his fiancée, make her happy but break the promise he had made to the love of his life and therefore, leave her waiting in another country, or leave his fiancée with a strong pain that will cost her a lot to forget but keep his promise.

TO BE CONTINUED

[aphrodite-would-be-proud]

Hi Doll! I hope things are going well for you and I send thee a kajillion hugs (unless you’re uncomfortable with touch, then I got send allll of the good vibes.) but I was listening to some of my favorite songs and they made me think of songs that fit some of your pairings....mainly my boys Reiner and Colt hehe 😅 dunno if you know either of these artists but here we go! For Reiner and Reader I think of ‘Into Happiness’ by Phantogram and for Colt and Reader I think of Lucky Ones by Lights. If you have time to listen to them I think you would enjoy them, but of course I have a bias lol. Do you have any music in particular you listen to when writing to inspire you if at all?? I hope Lord Ares is heaping many blessings upon you!! 🖤🖤🖤

{ Into happiness by Phantogram | Lucky ones by Lights }

Hey angel! I've missed you so much :"( and yes I love all the virtual hugs you gave me 💞 thanks for being considerate i do have problems with being touched but it's cool online.

Things are going well actually, just finished writing your fic! And tomorrow I'm going to meet up with some family so that's good. Oh i also ate a popsicle today. How's life treating you? I hope well because you deserve good things.

For the songs you sent, I absolutely LOVED them!!! I think we have a similar music taste- And holy shit they really do describe how i imagine their relationship dynamic!

The Reiner one made me feel warm and happy, it really suits him because i think for a long time in his life, the reader was his only happiness before he could see clear again. My fav lyrics from the song were:

"No more loneliness, you'd make it perfect."

"I've been getting better, how could I have been so blind"

Some songs that remind me of them:

I. Reiner

Sing me to sleep by The smiths

Keep it cold by Arcus

I bet on losing dogs by Mitski

Cigarettes after sex by Apocalypse

II. Colt

This side of paradise by Coyote Theory

Campus by Vampire weekend

Sugar rush by Addison Grace

Bonus +

III. Erwin

Dearly beloved

Love story cover by Sarah Cothran

As the world caves in

(You can see a pattern for angst with him lmao)

IX. Armin

Boy who cries

Sofia by Claire young

Valentine by Atlas

Watermelon sugar cover

Strawberry mentos "You're deliberately kind, you make efforts to share your time, you're not afraid of your feelings and you're not afraid of mine. I never knew love could be soft."

X. Porco:

Tear in my heart by Twenty one pilots

Out like the light by Ricky Montgomery (rare soft Porco)

A little death by The Neighbourhood

So i linked a lot- don't worry you don't have to listen to them all, just whatever intrigues you! And yeah Ares been really good with me expect for the fact he almost burned my room yesterday with his candle but that's another story- who knew air refreshers sprays had alcohol in them huh.

[sarshattack]

Azula’s Playlist

Okay, so. I made a playlist for Azula like a lot of other people because we all do appreciate playlists made for our favorite characters. But for some reason (I’m obsessed with here) I decided to make a commentary of why I did chose these songs and this specific order. In other words, I’m writing another essay about Azula.. It’s a playlist on her during the series but also how I imagined her redemption arc. 

So. Here’s the link to the playlist if y’all are interested: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6O0OEgwoKTSVXYiij13uMO

And I’ll put under the cut the abbreviated version of my commentary (I’m not done writing the whole thing yet but if you want, I’ll post it when it’s finished.)

Before hand, I’d like to excuse myself for my poor english. It’s not my first language and even tho I’m comfortable with it, it’s highly possible that I made dumb mistakes or stuff like that. So don’t be too harsh... Also, I’m note sure if I have to specify this but it will be full of spoilers so be aware of it if you’re not up to date.

So now that we’re good... Here we go ! 

1. Queendom - Vinida

Azula as we see her at the start of season two. Confident, savage, ready to take on the world. She's close to her notion of perfection. She's not afraid of losing because she never did. She's Ozai's perfect soldier and she's really proud of this title. She uses everyone around her because that what she does the best. She loves messing with other people's minds.

2. Army of Me – Björk

Azula during all the Ba Sing Se arc. She won’t retreat, she’s not afraid of anything crossing her path. She still thinks that she's the best and it's true. She is.

3. Nightmare – Halsey

Back at the Fire Nation’s palace. She’s got to do some reflection about herself but she loves it. Kinda Ember Island, too. She’s a little more vulnerable, she starts to act more… Human.

4. Everybody Wants To Rule The World – Lorde

Towards the end of season 3, she fully believes in Ozai’s supremacy. They will conquer the world together. They will rule together. She’s not afraid of anything once again. How could she be when she’s with Ozai? She doesn’t have to fear anything but his judgment. 

5. Warriors – 2WEI, Edda Hayes

Now, a little flashback on her early days. When se was still a little girl. Well, a few moments before she started to be Ozai's weapon. When she discovered what she had to do to bee praised by him. It's also about how she felt that it was him and her against the world.

6. Survivor – 2WEI, Edda Hayes

After Ty Lee and Mai's betrayal. She's once again alone. But it'.s okay or so she tells herself. She was always alone. And she's still the best.

7. Castle – Halsey

Azula is alone at the Fire Nation's palace. Ozai named her heir. It's now her palace. She's the rightful Fire Lord. But she starts to being more and more paranoid.

8. Dynasty – Rina Sawayama

Right before the Last Agni Kai, Azula's losing herself. She's alone, she can't keep her act up. This is the song of her downfall. But even in that state, she tries to stay the same, to please Ozai. She's afraid to disappoint him. It's also the song of her last fight.

9. Daddy Lessons – Beyoncé

As she fights her last battle, as she tries to stay up to Ozai's expectations, she thinks about him. About the tales he told her. Even when she knows that everything has been ruined, she stays his girl, his best soldier. She knows he never loved her but she decides to lie to herself. She has to. Or else she'll lose everything she ever had.

10. Medusa (acoustic) – Kailee Morgue

Here, Medusa is Katara. Even if it's Zuko who defeated her, Azula was alone and they were two. She lost. For the first time of her life or so. She doesn’t know what to do anymore. Medusa can also be the memory or the ghost of Ursa. Or Mai. In the end, they all are women who prefered her brother over her.

11. It Happened Quiet – AURORA

This one is more about Zuko's perspective. How he saw his sister fall. He tried to help her but he couldn't do it. Not yet, at least. After the last Agni Kai, he's visiting her at the hospital. He's watching over her as she sleeps. He's taking care of her. He's afraid to lose her, too. He wants to protect his little sister.

12. Never Ending – Rihanna

Azula woke up. She stays alone but highly guarded at all times. Since Aang take away her bending, momentarily, she doesn't feel like herself anymore. And every time she's force to watch a mirror, she sees Ursa or Ozai. She's overmedicated because doctors and nurses don't know how to treat her. She has nightmares every night. But the worst part is that she starts to feel things she never had before. The fear in her heart is gone. The anger not yet. The ghost in the mirror is herself. But she doesn't know that. Not yet, once again. She refuses to see her brother.

13. Praying – Kesha

After a while, her request to see Ozai has been approved. But she started to realize he wasn't the man she thought he was. This song is for him and for Ursa. She's still so mad at her mother for abandoning her and she stars to feel anger toward her father, too. That's a letter for them. She wants to become more than what they made her. And she wants to show them that she's better than them.

14. Guilty – MARINA

The overmedication is starting to make her lost her connection to reality. One day Zuko visits her and she's so drugged she can't refuse. She still has nightmares. But is it really nightmares or only memories? When Zuko tells her that people want her to pay for what she's done, she plead guilty. For everything. But she laughs, too. She says all of this with a mad eye. She's not herself anymore.

15. Icicles – The Scary Jokes

It's been months. Zuko is now officially Fire Lord and peace has been restored. But Azula's still locked up in a mental health facility where all the doctors do is giving her too much medication. And when she's not drugged, she finds everything ecstatic. Her vision of the world is distorted. She's always alone except for the nurses appointed to take care of her. But they're afraid of her. And they hate her for what she did. They're not professional at all. Once a month, Zuko tries to visit her. But he's always here when she's drugged. And all she does is speaking nonsense. Her paranoia is peaking. Her state is pitiful.

16. Headcase – Kailee Morgue, Hayley Kiyoko

Zuko got her out. He put her in a nice home on Ember Island. Not far from the house where they went when they were kids. She's still supervised all the time by nurses and guards, but they've been personally chosen by the Fire Lord to keep his beloved sister. Azula hates it. She keeps everything inside. She refuses to speak to psychiatrists and doctors. But, slowly, she starts to grow fond of one guard. She didn't recognize her at first. But it's Suki. She still acts as if she hates her but she can't hide that she loves her company. And Suki, even if she decided to stay professional, doesn't hate her guard duty that much anymore.

17. A Pearl – Mitski

After a year or so, Azula starts to do some self-reflection. After spending more time with Suki, learning how to manage how the feelings she has and how to cope with her traumas, she realizes she's a victim of abuse. But she's also conscious of some of the bad things she did. The war, her traumas, still lives inside of her. And she doesn't know what to do with it. She's afraid again. But, this time, it's not about other people. It's about herself. She's afraid that she'll never be able to change. That she'll never deserve Suki and her kindness, her understanding and her help. She decides to take a step in Zuko's direction after months of silence.

18. Shine – Birdy

Once again, it's a song from Zuko's perspective. The rain is a metaphor for the love he has for his sister. He wants to help her get better. He does his best to make the right things for her. He doesn't quite understand what she's going through. And he can't fully take care of her because he has his own traumas to deal with. But they can share pieces of what they had together. They talk about good memories. He wants her to have the Ember Island family house. He tells her she can move in anytime. And he'll lighten the guards on the property. He tells her she can become anyone. He will always help her.

19. She Was – Camille

Time has passed. This one is from Suki's perspective. She's living with Azula on Ember Island and gave temporarily the lead of the Kyoshi Warriors to Ty Lee. Azula is getting better. She's making arts because it helps her to communicate all the things she can't say out loud. She still has a long way to go but she's trying her best. This is a love song. Suki will always be there for Azula. She.'ll help her. She'll teach her how to be a better person. And she'll escort her everywhere on the road of recovery.

20. this is me trying – Taylor Swift

This is the last song. Azula's confession. She knows she'll never be the best like before. But she also knows she wasn't the best version of herself. She regrets what she did and learn every day to be a better version of herself. For the people around her, for the ones she hurt and for herself. This song is for Zuko and Ty Lee, the two victims of most of her abuse. This is a song for Suki, who helped her get better. This is a song for Aang, Katara and Sokka. For Toph. But this is also a song for Iroh. She still wants to prove him he did her wrong by never caring about her as much as he cared about Zuko. And this is also a song for Ursa. To show her the woman she became even thought she let her down. But she doesn't hold any grudge anymore. She's a new version of herself. A version she can love, fully. She still have regrets, she still have troubles every day. But mostly, she's learning. She's always been a perfect student.

 If you read all of this, I’d like to thank you. If you want a more in-depth and refined version, I’m working on that. Sorry if some parts are messy and/or poorly written. Hope you liked it :p

[leonvld]

a playlist of songs representing ryu jiwon and his love for music + his career so far

8 songs, 29 minutes

01 geyser by mitski

you're my number one you're the one i want and i've turned down every hand that has beckoned me to come 'cause you're the one i got you're the one i got so i'll keep turning down the hands that beckon me to come

otp: jiwon x debut ? is living and thriving. mitski wrote this song about her own relationship to music, and has said how she can tell when listening to other artists' songs, who “doesn’t have any other options in their life," and who “could do something else for a living.” according to her, people who don’t have other options have a desperation in their music, and i feel like you could find the same kind of desperation in jiwon's. in his bio, i've mentioned how he feels like he is a trainee first and everything else ( brother, son, friend, lover, etc ) second, and i feel like that applies to him being an artist as well. when you think about how an 11-year-old jiwon was turned down at auditions and told that he just didn't want it enough — it hits different.

02 on the radio by regina spektor 

no, this is how it works you peer inside yourself you take the things you like and try to love the things you took and then you take that love you made and stick it into some someone else's heart pumping someone else's blood and walking arm in arm you hope it don't get harmed but even if it does you'll just do it all again

when jiwon writes music, he bares his soul to the listener. his music is really personal to him, and for a long time, it was like his diary. especially when he was a younger trainee, him sharing his music with you meant that he really trusted you. this song also has this air of wisdom and nostalgia to it, and you're convinced when you listen to it that regina spektor has personally witnessed and experienced all the things she's singing about. experience is the one thing jiwon has in spades, especially as one of the oldest ( at the time of writing this ) 4am member. like when asked why he deserved to pass his atlas records audition over the other boys in his audition group, jiwon said that it was because he had "more to say" and in a way he does, not only from being in the industry for so long but also just because he's just lived that much longer. ( and then when he becomes a trainee, he acts all [ insert surprised pikachu meme ] when he realizes that other trainees don't like him as much as they used to, when they've heard him essentially say that their opinions are white noise oops. )

03 dress up in you by belle & sebastian

ack i had a hard time choosing an excerpt for this one since it’s --- more like the essence of this entire song ? jiwon has a reputation for being… a really nice guy. he's a reliable hyung/oppa to look up to, rely on, and go to for advice, and in his 14th year in the industry, his reputation definitely precedes him. he's not usually the type to lose his temper or visibly show anger unless you're someone he's close to… but he's also been in the industry long enough for things to piss him off. everything from how the industry preys about the dreams of children and then uses those dreams to degrade and manipulate them for profit, to people who think they can get away with using him for his generosity, to idols who debut who (in his eyes) don't deserve fame at all, to talented friends who had to drop out of the industry due to politics, to the people he trusted who’ve dropped him like dead weight in order to get ahead. he's one of those people where people are surprised when he gets angry, and there's something about this song where you don't really realize that the singer is upset until you pay attention to the lyrics.

04 graveyard ( acoustic ver. ) by halsey 

they say i may be making a mistake i would've followed all the way, no matter how far i know when you go down all your darkest roads i would've followed all the way to the graveyard

yet another song about how much he wants to pursue music (and debut NGNSJAK), but this time in the actual form of a love song because subtlety 👌. i feel like when everest (the first group he was a part of) disbanded in 2013, there were a lot of people in his life who truly cared about him that breathed a sigh of relief. they thought that disbandment meant that he could move on and find another passion. but jiwon — loves music and loves to perform and for all its faults, mirae sound (the first entertainment company he was under) was where he first fell in love with it all. he has conflicted feelings about his original company because it's also where he was verbally degraded and treated awfully by certain staff members, but they gave him a stage and a mic for however short of a timespan it was and he's been trying to return to it ever since. but this time, he's not a naive 11 year old trying to make his parents happy. he's fully aware of the cold, harsh industry he's returning to.

05 i couldn’t be more in love by the 1975

we got it wrong, and you said you had enough but what about these feelings i've got? i couldn't be more in love

which brings us to everest's disbandment — the lowest point of his life. matt healy (the frontman of the 1975) wrote this song about his fans and his fear that a day will come where they will tire of his music and leave him. jiwon trained with some of everest's members for almost six years, and then the group disbanded after only two. having been the leader of said group, it left jiwon in a really fragile place. picking up the pieces again and deciding to audition again — when he still had debt from his first trainee period and his self-esteem was at an all time low after leading a group to disbandment — was probably one of the hardest decisions of his life. i have a headcanon that he originally went back to seoul to apply for jobs as a music composer for other artists — and at the last minute he ended up auditioning to be a trainee again instead.

06 4 o’clock by bts’ v & rm

i collect myself that's shattered beneath the moonlight i call you moonchild we are the children of the moon

wow. the title says it all JAFKLDG. but really --- he loves his 4am members so much. so dearly. tenderly. this song just makes me think of the boys staying up in their dorm late at night, practicing, writing music, and just being there for each other. jiwon is a lot stronger now than he used to be and it's all due to his members. i've talked about this in the ooc chat, but being with 4am is the first time jiwon's felt free in such a long time. after spending a lifetime of being there for others and doing what others want/expect of him, he can trust his members to be there for him in a way that he's never felt comfortable to do with anyone else in his past.

07 btstu by jai paul

i know i've been gone a long time, but i'm back and i want what is mine

don't fuck with him, don't fuck with him !!! it might have been 7 years since everest's disbandment but he's coming back ! and when he does, you'll all be sorry !! also, similarly to "dress up in you", another subliminally passive aggressive track GJSJAKA. his self worth and confidence — is at an all time high in the years since he joined atlas and was added to the lineup of the ceo's “favorite” trainee group. he's not arrogant, but he carries himself differently now. he has less fear and is willing to take more risks. maybe he’s a little arrogant. who knows.

08 come hang out by ajr

and come hang out don't you leave us behind but i'll be there next time i'll be there next time

listen, all of his relationships that have ended (romantic and platonic) are clearly not just his fault. but he really doesn't --- fight for his relationships as much as he fights for his music. there are more than a few important relationships that have taken a backseat to his pursuit of his dreams. like i said for the first track,, he's a trainee and an artist over anything else. music is his #1 priority. while it's led him to have an impressive work ethic and an enviable passion for his craft, his relationships with his parents, his sister, former friends, and ex-lovers have all suffered because of it. his obsession for his music at the expense of those he loves is definitely one of the, if not the, biggest of his flaws. this song also speaks to how jiwon feels being as close as he is to debut. with only months left before 4am is scheduled to debut, he's working harder than ever. but he's fully aware that he's not racing towards the finish line — he's getting in position to start the race. and this time, he's going to do everything he can to make it last.

[shikai-the-storyteller]

The unofficial “Change, In All Things, Is Inevitable” playlist.

Here’s some of the music I listened to while working on this fic, plus a few key lyrics and some commentary about each song:

------------

Gladiator – Zayde Wolf

Imma give you a second just to catch your breath / 'Cause I can see that your heart is jumpin' out your chest / I know you gave it all 'cause I've already seen your best, and it’s time you accepted this 

Let me tell ya / I've got every reason to fight

This song is great because it pumps me up and then 1 minute and 50 seconds into it, the tone does a complete 180 and gives me serious chills. It reminds me of current Megatron vs. past Megatron, and his initial motivation for starting the Decepticon revolution in the first place. I think he lost his guiding principles along the way, but his anger and gladiator might hasn’t gone anywhere. It’s a perfect Megatron song for obvious (and not so obvious) reasons.

Church – Fall Out Boy

Megatron: Take the pain / Make it billboard big then swallow it for me / Time-capsule for the future / Trust me, that's what I will be Soundwave: Oh, the things that you do in the name of what you love Orion Pax: I love the world but I just don't love the way it makes me feel

Church makes me think of the early days of the revolution when Orion, Soundwave, and Megatronus were all working together towards the same goal. The chorus is fitting for all of them; their friendship was a sanctuary of sorts, and it gave them the kind of support / relationship none of them ever had before (at least in Megatron’s case). Friendship was a novel, strange, but wonderful thing. Pity it didn’t last long :’I

If I’m being completely honest, Toastyhat’s animatic for this song definitely influenced my associations, what with the gladiator ring and all that, haha. It’s a fantastic animation, and I highly recommend checking it out if you haven’t already.

Meet Me on the Battlefield – Svrcina

We carry on through the storm / Tired soldiers in this war / Remember what we're fighting for Our tainted history, is playing on repeat / But we could change it if we stand up strong and take the lead When I was younger, I was named / A generation unafraid / For heirs to come, be brave

This melancholic song is a perfect fit for the tone of the war, and Optimus’ feelings on it. Poor guy never expressed interest in being a Prime, but he never really got a say in the matter. The best he can do is keep moving forward hoping it’ll one day come to an end.

(Side note: someone’s done a TFP AMV with this song! Go check it out.)

Run to You – Pentatonix

I've been settling scores, I've been fighting so long / But I've lost your war and our kingdom is gone I will break down the gates of heaven / A thousand angels stand waiting for me

Very much a melancholic unrequited Soundwave --> Megatron song. I don’t care how many times I listen to this; my heart always aches for poor Soundwave and the ending he got in TFP. He would’ve gone to hell and back for Megatron (and I suppose, in a way, he did).

Battle Cry – Imagine Dragons

Stars are only visible in darkness / Fear is ever-changing and evolving Nobody can save you now / The only sound is the battle cry

Another great song for Megatron! He reveled in his fights as a gladiator, and war is no different. It’s his challenge to Optimus and anyone else who'd dare oppose him. In essence, I see it as Megatron’s “If you’re not with me, then you’re against me, and you’d better be damn well prepared to be treated like an enemy” song.

The “stars are only visible in darkness” line also reminds me of Optimus and Megatron’s conversation in IDW’s “The Transformers” #22 comic, where Megatron goads Optimus, saying he would’ve been no one and nothing without him / the war:

Also: I genuinely had no idea this was a Bayverse song until recently so sHHH LET ME LIVE

Chains – Radical Face

I thought I had control, that I could always walk away if things turned bad / We were thick as thieves 'til I became the one who always went too far / And I couldn't hear you  In the end I'm lost / And I'll drag you down yeah, that's my cost / But I'm glad you were my friend 

Finally, the song that helped inspire this fic! Definitely gives me strong MegaOp vibes. Despite everything that wound up happened, Megatron and Optimus were each other’s biggest influences for a loooong time. That’s not the kind of thing that can be forgotten easily! I think Megatron was briefly reminded of the friendship they once had at the end of Predacon Rising. Megatron doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy who has regrets, but I still wonder if anything akin to it crossed his mind before the end.

A few bonus lighthearted joke songs: A Little Help From My Friends – The Beatles This song came up on my playlist while I was editing some early chapters where Megatron / Orion / Soundwave were still buddies, which I thought was ironic, sweet, and a little bit sad. Take A Chance On Me – ABBA  An example of a song I associated with a character as a joke, then thought about WAY too much to the point where it’s no longer a joke. Anyways, please imagine Soundwave playing this every time Megatron passes him up in favor of the Decepticon’s latest traitorous and/or knuckleheaded senior officer. (Seriously though, why on EARTH do you have your most loyal officer as your third in command, Megatron??? Stability and competence clearly mean nothing to you).

Strawberry Blond – Mitski

All I need, darling, is a life in your shape / I picture it, soft, and I ache

This song is perhaps a little bit too wistful / lighthearted for the TFP continuity, but the tone (and the topic of unrequited love) reminded me of a young love-struck Orion Pax. (This was supposed to be a fun addition to this list but the more I think about it, the sadder I get :’I I’m so sorry your life sucked so much, Orion).

Songs reminding me of other TF continuities that nonetheless influenced this fic: Firewall – Les Friction

Deep beneath the light / A spark will now ignite You will see me now / This is my world now

A great G1 / IDW song that’s particularly good for Megatron and Optimus. I could dissect every single line of this song and create an entire MV to it, but I’ll spare you the 10 page essay. Just listen to the song and let your imagination run wild! So many lines are perfect!!! Alright I lied, here’s a few good corresponding lines: Megatron: Fear is a device / So quiet and precise / It's not what I allow / Not in my world now Rodimus / the Matrix: This force is in love with you / It wants you safe / It wants you well Shockwave / empurata: This force knows what you can do / And what you can make / With your tattered shell Optimus / the Matrix: Faith in your device / So quiet and precise / Just when, not how / You can feel it now The Autobots: Deep beneath the light / A spark will now ignite The Decepticons: You will see me now / This is our world now

Dangerous Man – Little Dume  An absolutely PERFECT IDW Megatron song! Great for Megatron post- his change of heart. I actually am determined to make an MV with him for this song because it’s just that perfect.

Silhouettes – Of Monsters and Men

There's nothing that I'd take back / But it's hard to say there's nothing I regret. 

Not necessarily a perfect song for TF, but these two lines from it reminded me so strongly of Megatron / Optimus I figured it was worth making note of.

[visforvengeance]

Tom Holland: Cacciatore and limousines

Requested by: no one :)

Notes: hurdurdur. Hello. This isn’t the tom holland story I was talking about. But this is mobster!tom and I hope you guys like it. I chose mitski’s nobody for this one. It was supposed to be set in like the 20s but the song didn’t fit. So nvm ig. I hope you guys don’t mind, but I gave the reader the name ivy because it’s pret. These are my ocs except for tom and Harrison obvi. Also!!!!! I planned for this to be a series type thing. But that’s only if you guys liked it and wanted more. So please let me knowwww. Also in honor of 1k followers, here’s cacciatore and limousines (hehe inspo from lana del rey)

Summary: Ivy is the daughter of the infamous mobster, Thaddeus Salvatore. She’s an aspriring singer looking for a way up. That’s when she meets fellow mobster/producer, Tom Holland. Fame, drugs, and infidelity isn’t always what makes you a superstar. But in this case, it does.

Warnings: HhHh mentions of drug use, abuse, and prostitution. If any of these are triggers for you, I don’t suggest reading it. I didn’t proofread and I wrote this on mobile.

Ivy’s POV

I’m so nervous. Tonight I was performing in front of London’s most famous producer, Tom Holland. He’s produced songs for some of the most famous artists today. Its always been a dream of mine to be a big star. My father had ties which got me thus far. We were at the Angel’s Speakeasy on Angel Street. Ironic, right? My pa had visited me in the dressing room. “Hello, love.” I turned facing him and smiled. “Hi, dad. I wanted to thank you again for doing this for me. Tom Holland is so famous, if I can lure him with my voice, then it’s a done deal. I’ll be as famous as Beyoncé.” I laughed

My father, Thaddeus, was a very well respected mobster. Nobody dared to disrespect him and he was proud of it. He’d rather be a feared man than a liked one. Many people have placed bounties on my family’s heads thinking it would make him scared. But it only made him more ruthless and fearsome. He’s scared off more boyfriends than I can count, but it was only to protect me. My mother, Marie, loved playing the role of a mobster’s wife. Big houses, expensive clothing and jewelry, fancy restaurants, and chauffeurs. One would think she only wanted him for his money, but my parents have known each for 40 years and had been married for 20. It was always more than just the money.

“You better impress him or I’ve wasted my time.” Father wasn’t like any other father. He loved his children unconditionally, but he never said it. He was more of a hardass than anything and was always so serious. All work and no play. No time for that mushy garbage you saw on tv. My mom was different. She never failed to tell us she loved us, but she always failed to defend us when my father was being a bit too harsh. “I refuse to have another no good for nothing child. Don’t be like your sisters.” Daddy had 3 girls. My two older sisters, Angeline and Heather, were his most prized possessions and he used them as bait to catch the men who owed him. They were married off to other mobsters, but things were worse for them.

Angeline had gotten into drugs and Heather was treated as her husband’s prostitute. I love my sisters and I just hate that this happened to them. “I won’t, daddy.” He nodded and kissed my forehead. “You go out there and show him how good of a singer you really are. Live up to the reputation I’ve built or you’ve failed me as a daughter.” I sighed and nodded. “Of course, dad.” He walked out and probably went to go find a seat somewhere. The group before me had finished their song and it was my turn to perform. “Our next act is the wonderful Ivy Salvatore.” That was cue to get up on that stage and impress some guys.

I walked out to the stage and spoke into the microphone. “Hello everyone. I’m going to be singing an original song tonight..” I looked directly at Tom. “I hope you like it.” He smirked and leaned over with his elbows on the table. I motioned for the band to start playing.

“My god, I’m so lonely So I open the window To hear sounds of people To hear sounds of people.

Venice planet of love Was destroyed by global warming Did it’s people want too much too? Did it’s people want too much?

And I don’t want your pity I just want somebody near me Guess I’m a coward I just want to feel alright.

And I know no one will save me I’m just asking for a kiss Give me one good honest kiss And I’ll be alright.

Nobody, nobody, nobody Nobody, nobody, oooh Nobody, nobody, nobody

I’ve been big and small And big and small And big and small again And still nobody wants me Still nobody wants me

And I know no one will save me I’m just asking for a kiss Give me one good movie kiss And I’ll be alright.

Nobody, nobody, nobody
Nobody, nobody
Ooh, nobody, nobody
Nobody, nobody, nobody
Nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody
Nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody
Nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody
Nobody, nobody
Nobody, nobody
Nobody, nobody, no”

I had my eyes shut the entire performance. I finally opened my eyes to the sound of clapping. There was one person’s opinion who mattered at the moment. Tom and I locked eyes, it’s as if his facial expression hadn’t changed. He still had the same smirk from when I started. I bowed and exited the stage back to my dressing room. I sat there, taking deep breaths as I tried not to think negative thoughts.

Tom and My father stood at the entrance of the room. “Hello, Ivy darling.” Tom acknowledged. My father placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. I looked at Tom through the mirror. “Hello, Mr. Holland.” He smiled a boyish smile. “Please. Call me Tom.” He took a seat in the chair behind me. I turned to face him. I don’t know if it’s the lighting or his facial features. He was truly gorgeous. “That was quite a performance. Usually when I’m asked to attend these things, the person I’m supposed to like is complete shit.” My father’s gentle grip tightened with each unsatisfying word.

“But you.” He started while pointing at me. “You’ve such a beautiful voice, love. Why don’t we get you down to my studio over the weekend and record a couple of songs together? How does that sound?” I was so relieved that he liked performance. “That sounds perfect. Thank you so much.” He grinned and stood up, readjusting the one button on his suit jacket. I also stood up and moved so my father and I were standing in front of him. “Don’t thank me yet, love. You can do that if you’re first ep tops charts.” He held out his hand for me to shake. “Don’t doubt me, darling. I’ve made it this far. It’s time I go even further.”

He smirked. “You’ve got the personality of a superstar.” He said while walking out of the door. I turned to look at my father. This was the first time I’ve seen him smile this entire night. “I did it, daddy. He wants to help me produce some songs.” I said as I hugged him. “Your mother and I are very proud of you, doll.” I smiled and kissed his cheek.

We arrived at home, where there was currently a party going on. My mother liked to have parties every 2 weeks, so I wasn’t surprised. I just wonder what the occasion was this time. As we walked in, mom greeted us at the door. “I’m so proud of you, love. Your father told me what happened. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there. I know how nervous you get when I’m not there.” I was a lot closer with my mum than anyone.

“It’s okay, mum. I know you were busy. What’s the party for?” Her face beamed at the mention of a party. “Well it’s a celebration party for you, my love. For the successful night you’ve had. And there’s even a special surprise waiting for you in your room.” She always showered my sisters and I in gift. “For being the greatest children anyone could ever ask for.” I hugged her and sighed. “You didn’t have to, mum.” She waved her hand. “I know, I know. But I wanted to. You deserve it.”

I nodded and made my way through the crowd. Stopping every 5 minutes to say thank you to anyone who congratulates me. I finally made my way upstairs and into my room. Before I could process any of what was happening, my sisters hugged me. I haven’t seen them in such a long time, they looked completely different. “Angie! Heather! I’ve missed you guys so much.” Angie’s once long brown hair, full of curls, was now cut bob length and almost gray. Heather’s black, bone straight hair was now frizzy and dull. You could see the bruises on Heather’s arm and Angie’s once curvaceous body, had lost a significant amount of weight.

“How have you guys been? It’s been like 2 years? How are my babies?” Both of my sisters had children. Heather had two teenage boys, aged 15 and 17. Angeline had only one little baby girl who was about 4. As far as I knew, Andrew and Harold never harmed the kids. But Eden and Jasper weren’t babies anymore. They know what goes on behind closed doors. And little Jessamine was too young to think of anything that 4 year olds don’t usually think about.

“They’ve been great. Jasper’s graduation is in two months and Eden made valedictorian. I’ve never been more proud of my boys!” I smiled. I’d be proud of my children too. “Jessamine has been nominated as student of the year at her daycare.” I clapped my hands together in excitement. “I’m so proud of them. Please send me the details for Jasper’s graduation. I would love to attend.” Heather nodded and grabbed my hand, Angeline grabbed the other.

“Enough about our lives. Look at you! Our baby sister is about to be a superstar.” I smiled shyly and looked down at the ground. “W-we don’t know that for sure. We have to record a few songs first and then we’ll go from there.” My sisters scoffed and laughed. “When will you go to the studio, love?” I sipped the brown liquor adorned with a beautiful hibiscus flower. “This weekend. I’m supposed to stay with him and record.” They shared a look and wiggled their eyebrows.

“I heard this Holland guy is unbelievably handsome.” Angeline smirked. “He is. But if you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking, you might as well stop now, darling. He is my producer and nothing more.” Heather blew a raspberry. “You’re such a prude, Ives. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were still a virgin.” My hand flew to my chest in mock offense. “I am not. I’ll have you know I’ve lost my virginity at the ripe age of 17.” Angie rolled her eyes. “To Mr. Osterfield’s boy. Harrison, was it? You know, he is Tom’s best friend, right?”

I stared in disbelief. “He’s what?” My sisters laughed and Heather gave me a pat on the back. They pulled me up and led me to the ballroom area. Once we were walking down the stairs, everyone turned their attention to me. Rounds of applause were heard and there I spotted him. Tom stood in the center of it all. It felt like those movies where the girl sees the love of her life and everything else is blurred.

A/n’s note: Thank you guys for 1k. I know I’m not the best writer and I definitely don’t post as much as I should. But it seriously means a lot to me that this many people think I’m an okay writer lmao. i love u wow!!

[kuciradio]

As 2018 is coming to an end it’s time to reflect on this amazing year for new music and artistry. KUCI is a diverse group of DJs and we are proud to represent all genres of music. I have finally put together our Top 10 albums of 2018 along with some honorable mentions towards the end accompanied by some lovely words written by our fellow DJs. We can’t wait for what 2019 brings for us and continue tuning in on kuci.org or 88.9 FM if you’re in the Orange County area. Have a safe and happy new year!

1. Mitski - Be The Cowboy

“Mitski Miyawaki’s powerhouse voice resonates with a haunting clarity on her stunning masterpiece Be the Cowboy. She creates entire worlds and characters out of pieces of herself, from paranoid, awkward women who yearn for traditionalism and some idealist version of what life or love should be (hello “Lonesome Love”), to cowgirls who can do it all on their own. From sorrowful to triumphant, Mitski colors the spaces in between from soul-bearing ballad “Geyser” to unforgettable dancing-alone-in-your-bedroom anthem “Nobody.” (Sophie Prettyman-Beauchamp)

“This album was so personal and raw and I also liked how the songs flowed well on this album.” (Heidi Barragan)

2. The Internet - Hive Mind

“I can't talk about this album without mentioning how mad I am at myself for missing the tour. Syd, Pat, Steve, Matt, and Chris, The Internet, are prominent figures of musical evolution; this speaks volumes and not just because they got their start with Odd Future, a hub of avid freeform artists. If you’re inclined to believe what I believe, Ego Death is a heartbreak album and Hive Mind is loaded with recovery anthems and passionate songs to share with your new partner who is not a rebound. Across the timeline, the sounds change from R&B and Hip-Hop to Funk and Soul; but what captures my attention the most, from Ego Death to Hive Mind, is the way a facade is casted aside. Hive Mind is just so sincere and therefore, perfectly fitting for being a part of my top three.” (Thorson Munoz)

“[This album] is a very funky album with heavy tones of R&B. The Internet does not disappoint with their funky sounds, which can be heard on “La Di Da”. Overall the album has powerful baselines, thanks to the amazing Steve Lacy, and groovy beats backed by Syd’s smooth vocals. It is hard to listen to this album and not dance along to it.” (Melissa Palma)

3. Kali Uchis - Isolation

“Colombian singer Kali Uchis’ long-awaited debut album is a high-production value journey into her uniquely sultry, dreamy world of R&B. The songstress’s silky voice pushes boundaries of various genres, from bossa-inspired intro “Body Language” to the Amy Winehouse-esque “Killer,” each track better and more of a banger than the last. Isolation features artists like The Internet guitarist Steve Lacy, British soul success Jorja Smith, and reggaeton icon Reykon. Uchis also recruited her friends Tyler, the Creator and legendary bassist Bootsy Collins for the hit single “After the Storm,” a follow-up to her and Tyler’s song “See You Again” from his 2017 album Flower Boy (supported by a stunningly whimsical music video by director Nadia Lee Cohen). The producer credits are just as stacked, including the likes of Thundercat, BROCKHAMPTON’s Romil Hemnani, Tame Impala’s Kevin Parker, and Gorillaz frontman Damon Albarn. Uchis proves herself as the new sound of pop, never veering from her originality that made her a Soundcloud sweetheart.” (Sophie Prettyman-Beauchamp)

4. Janelle Monae - Dirty Computer

“She’s such an intelligent creative weirdo and I LOVE HER. Not to mention her oozing femme POWER.” (Naseem Eskandari)

“About the moxie I mentioned earlier, this emotional rollercoaster has an abudnace of it and I cannot get enough! Cover to cover this album packs a punch, and as the visual companion--which brought me to tears--would suggest, this entire album is a celebration of deviant bodies and identities. This album contains the perfect ratio of soft and tender tracks and upbeat exciting ones so its no wonder why NPR named Dirty Computer their number one of 2018.” (Thorson Munoz)

5. Anderson .paak - Oxnard

“Sometimes artists, after huge successes, feel that they need to make music that sounds just like their previous work to gain the same traction, but really the true artists are the ones that stay honest and true to their creative ability - their sound moves through life with them.” (Naseem Eskandari)

“Anderson .Paak, to me, is responsible for every playlist I've ever built that revolves around driving in Los Angeles with the windows down, no matter the time of day. However, I don't drive a convertible, so instead I honored Venice and Malibu using my radio program, Detours. Not only am I excited to honor Oxnard as well, but Oxnard was built for driving; this is evident after listening to "Tints", the first release, and "Headlow". This album, just like Malibu, is masterful; the only difference is that Dr. Dre stepped out of the shadows and was a feature. Oxnard is beyond incredible and worthy of it's legendary features, Snoop Dog, Q-Tip, and Kadhja Bonet, to name a few. I'm really excited for what will likely be Anderson .Paak's next Grammy nomination.” (Thorson Munoz)

6. Blood Orange - Negro Swan

“AMAZING production, amazing narrative!!!!!!!” (Angel Cortez)

“Dev Hynes never fails to make master pieces of albums that narrate the experience of marginalized people in an oppressive and toxic environment. Hynes brings together artists as big as ASAP Rocky to smaller artists of equal talent such as Steve Lacey creating a beautiful medley of indie hip hop to soul and funk.  Coupled with interviews, Hynes is able to make this album a personal experience for the listener. For me it always feels as though he is singing to me personally, something that not many artists are able to do.” (Kelsey Villacorte)

7. Kevin Krauter - Toss Up

“Toss Up has to be my personal #1 favorite album of 2018 by Kevin Krauter who began making music apart from lo-fi dream pop band Hoops in 2015. Toss Up was released this past summer and was the perfect album to listen to during warm summer nights and has carried through to the end of the year as a comforting reminder of those warm times during these cold nights. It has that dreamy, nostalgic feeling, something that you would listen to as you’re reflecting on the tender moments of your life. Krauter mixes vaporwave-esque sounds with sweet ballads with no one song sounding like the other.” (Kelsey Villacorte)

8. MGMT - Little Dark Age

“MGMT's come-back album is focused, synthy, and fresh. Without abandoning the dark undertones present in their older albums, this album reflects the band's personal growth and resonates with fans, old and new. Tracks like TSLAMP and Little dark Age are some of my favorites!” (Angelica Sheen)

“MGMT has maintained their status as an alternative staple and has since transformed their sound into something more experimental since their debut album Oracular Spectacular. MGMT did not disappoint and gave us an album that went from the weird wii-fit/dystopian vibes of She Works Out To Much to 80s dance of Me and Michael to another sweet ballad titled Hand It Over which is super reminiscent of the ending/title song of their second album Congratulations. MGMT never fails to write well thought out lyrics that all almost feel like their own story. All in all, they did not disappoint and this is exactly the kind of MGMT album I was hoping for after a 5 year hiatus.” (Kelsey Villacorte)

9. Ian Sweet - Crush Crusher

“Jilian Medford refines IAN SWEET’s sound and practices self-care on sophomore album Crush Crusher, her most intimate release yet. Medford rediscovers her identity as she considers how much of herself she has forgotten while preoccupying herself with being a guardian to others (she warbles “The sun built me to shade everybody” on “Holographic Jesus”). Ever poetic while satisfyingly straightforward, she notes that “It’s been too long since I let myself cry about something that wasn’t even sad” on the pummeling single “Spit.” She coos, squeaks, and screams in perfect, dissonant harmony over her guitar’s cathartically melancholic reverb. IAN SWEET remains a perfect contradiction that only grows sweeter.” (Sophie Prettyman-Beauchamp)

10. Parquet Courts - Wide Awake!

“This band's genius shows through with every new release. Wide Awake throws all of their influences together and expels energetic funk beats with poignant, dark, and brutal lyrics that are especially political. The juxtaposition of these themes with upbeat and optimistic instrumentals speaks to their compositional talent, making it a fan favorite. AND THEY USE COWBELLS.” (Angelica Sheen)

Honorable Mentions:

Glenn Crytzer Orchestra, "Ain't it Grand?"

This album couldn't have been better aimed at me if the band had come and asked me what I wanted to hear.  A modern swing-style orchestra performing both classic tunes from the 1930s and modern pieces written in the big band style.  The ensemble playing is tight, the solos just exactly right, and the production quality a lot sharper than any of the original Duke Ellington recordings.  Top notch stuff. (Michael Payne)

The Vaccines - Combat Sports

"The Vaccines brought back the spirit and energy of their debut album but with a new twist when they released their 4th album early in 2018. Get pumped up with the "I Can't Quit" and "Nightclub" or settle down with  "Maybe (The Luck of the Draw)" or "Young American". The Vaccines perfectly embody the sound and snark of the '70s and '80s artists of which their influenced while still creating a modern feel of the 2010's. My personal favorite off the album "Out on the Street" definitely a treat live! Over all Combat Sports is an excellent album and what we needed in 2018." (Stacey Brizuela)

Cobra Man - Toxic Planet

“Los Angeles local duo Cobra Man blows it out of the water with their sophomore album that carries the heart and groove of something you'd hear out of '84. It is indeed one of the best albums of the year because it utilizes one of the most underrated instruments in the game, the saxophone.” (Spartacus Avina)

Nu Guinea "Nu Guinea"

Heaven & Earth by Kamasi Washington is an album that’s loud and bold in both sound and vocals. A lot of the album often creates an ethereal effect with the heavy instrumentals ascending into a grand peak, most notably heard on “Street Fighter Mas”. The vocals on the album accompany the instrumentals in their same form, loud and climaxing. Listening to this album is like a rollercoaster with its thrilling jazz sounds. (Melissa Palma)

Drug Church - Cheer

Mac Miller - Swimming

“The tragic beauty of this album speaks for itself. Mac was such a raw and very real individual and it reflects in his music the way that many others cannot replicate. May he rest in peace - I hope the next life will be better for him.” (Naseem Eskandari)

Thank you to all the amazing DJs who submitted their Top 10 list of 2018! I am super glad to have been part of an amazing and diverse radio station for this past year and this is only a small piece of what our DJs music tastes are like here. I hope everyone has an incredible and safe New Years Eve and a happy 2019 :)

-Kelsey Villacorte (Music Director)

[peppersjam]

My Top 10 Albums of 2018

In March of 2018, Spotify released the “Smirnoff Equalizer,” a web app that analyzed the percentage of Spotify listens by non-male artists. My results were embarrassingly dude, so I decided that I needed to devote more of my ear-hours to female artists. Thanks, Smirnoff!

The results of this initiative aren’t perfectly reflected in my top 10 list because I devoted a lot of spins to albums that didn’t come out in 2018 (in an attempt to correct my blind spot). Key new-to-me non-2018 albums:

Phoebe Bridgers - "Stranger in the Alps" (2017) (My Jam: Motion Sickness)

Waxahatchee - "Ivy Trip" (2015) and "Out in the Storm" (2017) (My Jam: Recite Remorse)

Carly Rae Jepsen - "E•MO•TION" (2015) (My Jam: When I Needed You) and "Cut To The Feeling" (2017) (on repeat, forever)

Charli XCX - "Pop 2" (2017) (My Jam: Out of My Head)

Paramore - "Riot!" (2007) (My Jam: Misery Business, duh)

But, time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking, into the future, so I have to talk about how I did with last year's list, and move on to this year's releases.

So, what's still in my current rotation from my 2017 top 10? More than half of them: Sleep Well Beast, Turn Out the Lights, Flower Boy, Ctrl, Melodrama, and DAMN. And, of couse, the Frank Ocean singles.

Runners up:

Kendrick Lamar et al. - "Black Panther: The Album" (so, so close to cracking my top 10. Sets a new standard for pop/hip-hop soundtracks. This decade's O Brother Where Art Thou soundtrack? Does that make any sense at all?)

BROCKHAMPTON - "Iridescence" (I had BROCKHAMPTON's "Saturation" trilogy on repeat this year, but their new one didn't quite do it for me. I think they're still trying to figure out how to be their best musical selves post-Ameer Vann. Oh, but: 1999 Wildfire is THE BUSINESS so I'm not worried)

Pusha T - "DAYTONA" (Good, mean. Classic Pusha)

Nils Frahm - "All Melody" (Saw him live this year; he's going to be one of those artists that I see as many times as possible, a la Andrew Bird)

Other highlights: Drake released another bloated album. I blocked Kanye on twitter and didn't listen to ye. Had frequent fits of emo obsession, like getting into American Football many years late. Listened to Frank Ocean's "Moon River" and Spotify's POLLEN playlist a bunch.

Mistakes I'm probably making: underrating Mitski. Not mentioning Soccer Mommy in this post. Sleeping on Vince Staples's FM!

10. Cardi B – Invasion of Privacy

Many people wrote many things about Cardi B this year. I have nothing original to add: she is charismatic, unique, and good at rapping. She made good rap songs and put them on a good rap album that I listened to a bunch.

9. Mac Miller – Swimming

This is the first Mac Miller album I've latched onto. It's partly because of his tragic death, but even before that, I was impressed by his effortless flow and the way the entire album meshes together. In a year where rap underwhelmed me, it was nice to see real growth from a guy that I mostly only liked before because he gave beats to Vince Staples when no one else would. Ugh. Rest in peace, Mac.

8. Arctic Monkeys – Tranquility Base Hotel + Casino

I finally realized that the reason Arctic Monkeys have such staying power (for me and for the world in general, I guess) is that their lyrics are consistently delightful:

Take it easy for a little while Come and stay with us It's such an easy flight Cute new places keep on popping up since the exodus It's all getting gentrified I put a tacqueria on the roof It was well reviewed Four stars out of five And that's unheard of

7. Mitski – Be the Cowboy

"You know how you all loved Puberty 2? What if I did that but literally every part of it was better?" – Mitski, probably.

6. Big Red Machine – Big Red Machine

It's the folktronica The National and Bon Iver mashup that I've been waiting for. This album didn't have to be good. It could've ended up more like EL VY's Return To The Moon which was fun and listenable, but ultimately a B side. But nope: these songs are excellent, and wouldn't be out of place on a The National or Bon Iver record.

(I don't mean to outright diss the EL VY record. I love that the whole Eaux Claire bunch are playing around with projects like that, and like Big Red Machine. It seems like a pragmatic way to keep the mother bands from getting stale. But, like, pragmatic in a fun way, not in a robotic, soulless way.)

5. SABA – Care for Me

Saba's a kind of parallel universe Chance the Rapper where everything is sad. I know that's not fair - Saba isn't characteristically sad; it's just a sad album (and, weirdly, it's easier for me to love overly sad albums than overly happy albums). The album is good enough that I can forgive the cloying "Logout." And I can finally forgive the occasionally tasteless skits on Bucket List Project.

4. Beach House – 7

I was out on Beach House. I saw them live when they were touring for Bloom and I was underwhelmed by their live performance. It was fine but it wasn't for me. Not only did The Fox's acoustics muddle everything, the band didn't seem to have much energy for the set. I get it. It's Beach House. There's not going to be a mosh pit.

I still listen to every new Beach House album, though, mostly because Teen Dream was an important touch point in my indie rock awakening. And I'm glad that I do, but otherwise I would have missed 7, Beach House's best album. It's like they took Teen Dream and turned the "sleepy" dial down a notch or two. *chef's kiss*

3. boygenius – boygenius

Julien shredding on "Stay Down" is probably enough to warrant a spot on this list. It's fun to see these three women -- who are generally all about the introspective/sad vibes -- rock out. I feel lucky to have seen them perform these songs, and I'm crossing my fingers for a full-length in the future.

This entry also serves as a proxy for Phoebe's "Stranger in the Alps" which (boo) came out in 2017.

2. Lucy Dacus – Historian

It's not just that the songs are expertly crafted emotional indie music; Lucy's voice is stunning, and it's even more stunning live. Seeing her perform live bumped this album up a few spots for me for sure. I know this isn't supposed to be a "good stuff I saw live" list, but seeing these songs live helped to contextualize the lyrics and helped me understand Lucy as an artist (I hadn't heard of her before they announced the boygenius tour).

1. Tierra Whack – Whack World

I haven't been as excited during a first listen of a non-Frank/Kanye/Kendrick/Vampire Weekend album as I was for Tierra Whack's brilliant debut. It's got everything you need: fun beats, memorable hooks, and creative verses. It's only fifteen minutes long, so I naturally listened to it over and over again that first day, excitedly Slacking my co-workers in the #jams channel. Like the rest of the known universe (i.e., indie rap twitter) I wish that these songs were longer, but the silver lining is I don't ever listen to any of these songs without listening to all of these songs, which is a treat. Man. Just thinking about this album makes me smile. You could've listened to the album instead of reading this post! Go!

Next year is going to be the tenth year of compiling my top ten albums! I'll definitely do something to celebrate – maybe a top ten of the decade? Maybe a retrospective of all hundred albums that made my lists? Maybe some fresh charts and graphs? Will tumblr even still exist next year? Will the United States? Stay tuned!

[obtusemedia]

Top 25 Songs of 2018: Honorable Mentions

It’s year-end list season again! And with that comes my sixth annual top 25 list.

But before we countdown the best that 2018 gave us, here’s 15 songs that just missed the cut. Like in 2017, this year had more quantity than quality when it came to singles, meaning although there were only a couple legitimate contenders for the top spot, there were plenty of solid songs that I had to give a shout out to. So apologies to great acts like boygenius, Florence+The Machine and Childish Gambino (although he easily had the best music video this year) for just missing the cut.

Let’s get into it!

“Nobody” by Mitski

There are plenty of songs about loneliness, but Mitski turns that emotion into insanity on “Nobody.” 

Her emotions ramp up and become more desperate throughout the indie-pop track, as Mitski’s pleads for companionship intensify. She wants to find love, but frankly, she also just needs human connection. And as the one-word chorus repeats into oblivion — “Nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody...” the situation becomes more and more helpless.

My main issue with Mitski’s 2018 album, Be The Cowboy, was that most of the short vignette-style songs weren’t memorable. That’s not the case for the manic, disco-tinged “Nobody,” which instantly became a standout in her impressive catalog.

“Heat Wave” by Snail Mail

I’m not sure what it says about indie rock that its most hyped newcomer is mostly copying the sounds of the ‘90s, but when the tunes are as good as “Heat Wave,” I’m not going to complain.

Nineteen-year-old prodigy Lindsey Jordan, aka Snail Mail, delivers with a simple love song perfect for lazy summer days. Jordan’s vocals are charmingly warbly and mesh well with the crunchy guitars that wouldn’t sound out of place on a Pavement album. It’s catchy enough for soccer moms and with enough alt-rock nostalgia to grab any indie rocker’s ear. There’s a good reason Snail Mail’s star has shot to the top this year among the Pitchfork set.

“Me and Michael” by MGMT

IT’S THE COMEBACK OF THE CENTURY! 

That’s not even hyperbole: After they released three generation-defining classic singles, MGMT’s relevance disappeared after their 2010 album Congratulations intentionally alienated audiences (despite being pretty solid). Then, their 2013 self-titled album was straight-up bad.

But thankfully, MGMT decided to return to the synthpop jams that brought them success 11 years ago, while keeping their weirdo quirks intact. And it was a winning formula, as the bombastic single “Me and Michael” proves.

“Michael” is painfully ‘80s, from the glittery keyboards to the thundering drum machine beat. Yet, many of the instruments are off-key and frontman Andrew VanWyngarden’s hipstery vocals aren’t exactly Duran Duran-esque. And the clash of styles helps create a solid tune, the band’s best in eight years.

“Elastic” by Joey Purp

Remember how Azealia Banks used to pump out hip-house bangers like it wasn’t even hard? Then she lost her mind, and now “212″ is a relic of a better time.

Thankfully, Chicago native Joey Purp is picking up the slack, although he puts a much more minimalist spin on the sound. “Elastic” is a very simple, skeletal song, with Purp nearly mumbling over a steady, bouncing beat with couple vocal samples to liven things up. “Elastic” shows that when it comes to club bangers, you really don’t need to overthink things.

“Nameless, Faceless” by Courtney Barnett

Melbourne indie rocker Courtney Barnett’s second album, Tell Me How You Really Feel, had a noticeably more frustrated outlook than her 2015 debut. A prime example is the album’s lead single, “Nameless, Faceless,” all about the difficulties of being a woman in a world that treats them horribly.

Barnett goes after internet trolls during the song’s verses with the droll, snarky tone that made her indie-famous, but the chorus is where things take a dark turn. Paraphrasing The Handmaid’s Tale author Margaret Atwood, Barnett sings, “Men are scared that women will laugh at them ... Women are scared that men will kill them.” She then adds that she holds her keys between her fingers in-between her fingers to protect herself at night. 

It’s a fearful song for fearful times, and more proof that Barnett is one of indie rock’s best songwriters.

“Electricity” by Silk City and Dua Lipa

Producer giants Diplo and Mark Ronson teamed up to create a perfect homage to ‘90s house. It’s bouncy, effervescent, and features one of pop’s best voices: Dua Lipa. The fact that a dance jam this perfect was only barely a hit in the U.S. is a total shame.

“After The Storm” by Kali Uchis feat. Tyler, The Creator and Bootsy Collins

I’m not typically an R&B guy, but I couldn’t resist newcomer Kali Uchis’ debut Isolation this year, especially its smooth throwback single, “After The Storm.”

Uchis glides over the off-key synth backdrop, expressing post-breakup optimism with ease. The sticky melody and relaxed vibe are helped out by a blast of smooth (if off-kilter) loverman shtick from Tyler, The Creator and some fun adlibs from funk icon Bootsy Collins. But this is Uchis’ show, and she barely needs to lift a finger to hold listeners’ command.

“Please Don’t Die” by Father John Misty

After releasing an overstuffed and underwhelming album last year, Father John Misty, AKA singer-songwriter Josh Tillman, decided to keep it simple this year, and I’m back on his bandwagon.

One reason for that is how blunt and personal his songwriting is again, particularly on “Please Don’t Die.” Tillman’s concept album God’s Favorite Customer focuses on the real-life story of how his depression caused him to hide out in a hotel for two straight months, and the heartbreaking “Please Don’t Die” tackles this scenario from the singer’s wife’s point of view. 

She constantly reminds Tillman that his potential suicide won’t be a victimless crime during the soaring chorus, and he laments how his spiraling has affected her in the somber verses. There’s no snarky winks to the audience here — just Tillman nakedly depicting how his emotional chaos effected those around him.

“My My My!” by Troye Sivan

I never paid too much attention to Australian former YouTuber Troye Sivan. Now I’m regretting that choice, thanks to “My My My!”

Pure bubblegum pop doesn’t play much of a role in today’s music landscape, so it’s hard to call any version of that subgenre “modern,” but that’s honestly how I would describe this jam. It’s a slice of stuttering tropical pop with some indie and ‘80s flavor to it, and Sivan himself sells the tune like he’d been singing these types of songs for years in a boy band. I’ll be keeping tabs on Sivan from here on out.

“Light On” by Maggie Rogers

Last year, I was floored by Maggie Rogers’ unique blend of rootsy nature sounds with blue-eyed soul, particularly in her stellar single “Dog Years.” It seems like she isn’t fixing what ain’t broken, as “Light On” is a continuation of that sound.

Although it isn’t quite as transcendent as her early singles, “Light On” is still a quality power ballad, with a nice mix of acoustic guitar and organic synths, complete with a showstopping, melancholy chorus. Rogers still knows her way around a gorgeous melody, and I’m sure she’ll continue to fill her niche as the best music you’ll probably hear at REI.

“The Opener” by Camp Cope

Camp Cope have had it up to here with shitty men, and “The Opener” is a scathing indictment of the hypocrisy the trio constantly face.

Lead singer Georgia McDonald wails over a ‘90s alt-rock groove about sexism both in the dating world as well as the music industry. The latter is where she reserves her sharpest lines, going after men who’ve said her success isn’t her own doing, and being told to book smaller venues by the same guys who will “preach equality” in public. And of course, how do these men in power maintain their faux-feminist image? “‘Just get a female opener, that’ll fill the quota.’” Scathing.

“We Appreciate Power” by Grimes feat. HANA

If “We Appreciate Power,” the (as of writing this) brand-new Grimes single, was trimmed by a minute or so, it might have made the actual list. It’s a smidge on the repetitive side at its current 5:30-length.

But dear lord: This is a BANGER. As just about every critic has said, the production here is an aggro mix of Nine Inch Nails and Korn, complete with squealing guitars, a pounding, synthetic beat and some random screams thrown in the mix for fun. And yes — it works. Put it on during the next workout and see how fast you start going.

Throw in some legitimately creepy lyrics about artificial intelligence and totalitarianism and you’ve got a classic Grimes single. If only it was a bit shorter...

“Lake Erie” by Wild Pink

For a band from Brooklyn, Wild Pink are shockingly good at creating music that sounds like the sun setting on a Midwestern corn field. 

“Lake Erie” is so close to The War On Drugs’ signature sound — heartland rock mixed with whispered vocals and shoegaze-y atmospherics — that I’d call it a ripoff, if it wasn’t arguably better than anything The War On Drugs has put out in a few years. It’s emotive, gorgeous and not too pretentious, like something Bruce Springsteen could’ve released 35 years ago.

“Noid” by Yves Tumor

No, unfortunately, “Noid” isn’t about retro Domino’s ads. It’s much darker than a claymation pizza mascot.

Yves Tumor’s art-rock track is fairly normal for its first half. It even has shades of Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going On” in the lyrics wondering about the sad state of the world. Then, things get weird: the bass starts playing in a different key, the background fills with static and screams, and Yves Tumor keeps singing along, and his lyrics about being “scared for my life” start to seem less like a protest anthem and more like a horror soundtrack. It’s a chilling experience.

“Party For One” by Carly Rae Jepsen

Queen Carly releases another pop banger and you think it’s not going on my list? Come on, now.

I’m not going to pretend like “Party For One,” Jepsen’s triumphant breakup anthem, is on the same level as her all-time classic singles. It’s the kind of bubblegum that she could write in her sleep.

But why penalize a perfectly great song just because the artist has done better in the past? “Party For One” might not be “Run Away With Me,” but it’s still a solid piece of synth cheese that no doubt makes Canada proud.

[fruedianpenisenvy]

they reduce hozier down to "woodland fae" and mitski to just love songs when in reality they're so much more. (warning i'm about to rant)

hozier sings about systemic oppression and the wrong doings of the catholic church, most notably in Nina Cried Power and Take Me To Church. he has also acknowledged and attributed much of his inspiration to irish folk singers (their subject matter is usually their problems with british oppression and celtic lore/folk tales) and african american singers (their subject matter is usually the problems slavery and systemic racism have brought to the BIPOC communities, especially in the south). he also chugs that Respect Women Juice, so all of his love songs are not only stylistically inspired by the aforementioned genres but are lyrically beautiful and express ideals of love that show equality and healthy relationships. i also personally think the religious themes he uses, especially when he poses the woman he loves AS religion (i.e. From Eden), are beautiful and speak so well to people scarred by their experiences in church. i don't listen to hozier as much as i used to but i still love and respect him so much.

mitski discusses the struggles that come with being asian american in a country that expects you to be one culture or the other while simultaneously telling you that you're not good enough for either. Your Best American girl most blatantly talks about not feeling white enough and hating your own culture but the rest of her songs can also be analyzed as a metaphor for the rejection she's felt due to her race thinly veiled in love songs (especially in Strawberry Blond). additionally, she writes so much about women being reduced to their size ("i've been big and small and big and small and big and small again and still nobody wants me" in Nobody and "i tried to eat like your girlfriend just tea in the night, i'd end up too hungry to sleep" in Square) and their appearance ("if i gave up on being pretty i wouldn't know how to be alive" in Brand New City) in order to be loved. in the same thread of female oppression, she talks a lot about women allowing themselves to be abused in order to be loved (I Don't Smoke, Washing Machine Heart, and Eric) and how often times we see abuse AS love (A Pearl and Eric). my favorite thing, however, is when she writes about the specific type of female anger that grows from being treated like that (Drunk Walk Home and Townie). her views on love and being loved are damaged and stem from a place of unhealthy relationships-- that's just my interpretation-- but are still so pure and hopeful, especially in Strawberry Blond and Pink in the Night. overall mitski is a lovely artist and there are so many more themes in her music that i would like to discuss in the future if anyone is interested.

in the end, art is often a vehicle for political commentary and social activism and to ignore these messages is a huge disservice the artists behind it. as an end note, if you like either of these artists i would like to recommend Haley Heynderickx. she has some really lovely and heartbreaking songs that make me want to cuddle with an unrequited love. also if you made it all the way to the end, good on you :)

white hozier stans and white mitski stans have the same energy they both over look the political meaning behind their songs.