#also i can appear femme and still not be misgendered

[horridgoblin]

any other nonbinary folk feel super fucking validated when the worm gang calls you by they/them pronouns? ofc it would be nice to have the option to have a variety of choice in pronouns, but holy shit its nice to hear they/them said so frequently and without hesitation.

[pinchinschlimbah]

There's some bullshit afoot and I don't really feel like engaging but what I'll say is this: -acknowledging that someone who has had a drastic change in appearance over the past decade to appear more feminine, is in fact more feminine now, is not an act of violence or misgendering -calling someone they/them who seems to be intentionally presenting in an ambiguous way (both visually and in ways such as coming up with a feminine nickname for themself that they've repeatedly used to speak about themself in third person in place of using a first person gendered pronoun) because you're unsure of their current identity even though they might still be cis, is not misgendering on the same level that intentionally calling a trans person the wrong pronouns is -I can only speak for myself on this one but I come from the world of drag and queer nightlife where she/her is basically a gender neutral pronoun so me calling someone she/her doesn't necessarily mean I believe they're a woman, it's more a term of endearment than anything else

-Assuming cis/het identity as the default and refusing to acknowledge any potential for otherwise is just as invalidating as insisting someone is queer or trans when they're not -holding space for the potentiality of queer identity in someone who seems to be possibly having non cis/het feelings or expression but has not officially vocalized a coming out is not the same as deciding someone's identity for them -"If this person was queer/trans they would tell us" With how repressive and conservative Japanese culture is when it comes to this stuff??? There's a reason you can count the amount of officially "out" queer people in vkei in one hand and I can assure you it's NOT because there's actually that few queer people in vkei -"Yeah but Kyo said he's not gay in an interview several years ago so we should believe him and respect that" First of all see above point. Second, his visual presentation has changed SO much since then- specifically in the direction of queer/drag/femme aesthetics! And third, there are multiple reports of him saying on mic at a Sukekiyo show this past summer "I want to be loved by both men and women" and he has also made multiple posts about not caring about gender, so again, ignoring real sources that don't back up your belief that a person is definitely cishet is just as bad as insisting someone is queer or trans when they've said they're not -Are we reeeeally gonna pretend this person has not had ANY shift in gender expression and that there's NO chance these changes might possibly mean anything? Or are, as several people have suggested, just some sort of "joke" to amuse the fanbase? Come on nowww

Anyway that's all, have a nice day <3

[robotslenderman]

It really just bugs me that gender, nowadays, is often just repackaged conservatism.

A tomboy or a butch aren't any less female because they don't believe in gender roles. It's just another way of expressing femininity. Same with cis dudes who like to shave their legs or paint their nails or wear dresses. You can wear a beard and a dress and still be as much of a man as that dude in the Yank Tank with testosterone poisoning and a shitton of misogynistic tattoos.

I get misgendered as nonbinary all the time. I have no idea how - the gender stereotype of enbies is androgyny, which I know is not true, but many people do and yet despite my lowkey and sometimes highkey femme appearance many people use "they" as my pronouns despite being told otherwise. The majority of my friends are trans not because they're my people, but because my cis+ ass is more comfortable around people who play with gender than those who don't. I am a gender expat; I am a guest in their space, but I will never be a native, and yet I'm more comfortable around them than the cis because the cis are so fucking obsessed with the binary and gender roles.

It doesn't help that when I changed my name I changed it to a gender neutral one. One of my friends pointedly made a remark that they were happy that I "get to experience gender euphoria in that way." When I told my psychiatrist about my name change he immediately jumped on the "closeted enby in denial" train that has been following me ever since; he made a long speech about gender fluidity and how I shouldn't take it personally that my family may struggle to adapt to the change. When I told him I was cis, he just smiled. My therapist still uses they/them pronouns for me despite being explicitly told not to. Never mind that I've been questioning my gender for well over a decade; it's hard not to when you're a gender expat and surrounded by people who question their gender all the time. never mind that the answer always is, and always shall remain, "still cis."

I'm not saying my poor widdle cis ass suffers the same oppression as trans folk. If that's what you take away from this you're not paying attention.

The truth is that my femininity is understated. Anonymous. It's never been a loud and in-your-face hot pink and barbie flavoured experience. Just because cis female is a single category doesn't mean that cis female is so rigidly defined. It's loud and in-your-face hot pink. It's Barbie. It's also oil and grime and cars, and loud and opinionated and argumentative, as much as soft and delicate and compliant. It's pink and frilly, but it's also blue and dirty. It's cis men in drag and cis women who have never worn a skirt in their life, and everything in between. It seems like I run into a lot of people for whom gender isn't an experience or lens or point of view, it's interest and fashion sense. Or someone's name. I'm seen as less of a woman for my chosen name and people tell me that's okay, not everyone is female! I just say, it's not okay because of that, it's okay because it's okay not to be your idea of what a woman is.

I met a man called Harriet* once. He wasn't any less a man. His wit was acerbic, and he always fronted comments on his name with sarcasm and "yeah, laugh now, get it out of your system." And yet he never changed it. He wasn't less a man for having a traditionally female name. I'm not any less a woman for having a nonbinary one. Just because male and female are opposites doesn't mean they should never touch for the cis.

I don't fit into the '50s box of "you're female, therefore you should wear a dress." Neither do I fit into the '20s box of "you wear a dress, so you must be female." The truth is that gender roles and expectations are just as baffling for people who are nonconforming as for people who are, and that we'll never be truly free of the gender binary as long as we adhere to it. And the truth is that even if you think you don't adhere to that binary, it's so ingrained in your subconscious and our society you almost certainly do. My friends who not-so-secretly think I'm a closeted enby in denial are as much adhering to it as some idiot who thinks my vagina means I should wear a dress and poo out babies.

Being nonbinary is a spectrum. But so is being male or female. You'll never break out of a black or white binary until you realise that it doesn't exist - not even for cis people. We can't truly break out of the binary until we realise that it doesn't exist for ANYONE.

You either believe in the gender binary or you don't. And if you believe that cis people have certain experiences or present in certain ways, if you believe that binary trans people adhere to those same standards, you believe in the gender binary. No matter what you say. You can claim until you're blue in the face that you don't believe in the binary, but if you're shoving other people in the box of what binary means, you are lying.

(* Not his real name - he's a patient and I'm adhering to patient privacy laws. But he definitely had a "female" name that isn't even ambiguously gender neutral. I'm not even talking Meredith or Tracy, names which used to be gender neutral but are female. I've never once in my life met another male "Harriet" despite meeting dozens of strangers every day.)

[starsfreckled]

lil rant in coming . kinda prompted by the event . talking about gender & the fandom & ..basically a big ramble.

the story message is so darn cute. i love that amaya can tell young people that a form of love is self love & being true to oneself & your preferences. because amaya wasn't always out as NB. in 'my verse / my none tumblr wol verse / twt verse??' they came out during shb.

cause not all queer stories start with a teen figuring this out. some people are older. but people constantly shame older queer for coming out late... personally I wanted amaya's story to be one where, when they learn to forgive themself, to be themself, they also truly stand to themself. & for them, that journey takes up to shb. that journey takes them until they are 30. ( I am a not fully out yet NB person myself & I may never really come out irl because of how german works as a language & wanting to avoid troubles ).

& dunno. the fandom sometimes does not make it easy. like i know i started writing amaya as a woman but ya know. self discovery yadda yadda. I do write amaya as sb who has been living as NB since their younger years bcs I do not trust people to be able to realize why amaya may use she/her pre-shb & then they/them.

but the amount of times ppl go "well you know amaya is still kinda a she" why. cause they have a bigger chest? cause sometimes they wear a dress? cause they do not fit a stereotype of how all NB people must be androgynous? I am sorry they do not fit into this media & fandom pushed idea of how NB people must be. People really want NB people to be like a third gender when this is exactly what we are not. Legit some people still misgender amaya in asks or while talking to me. same with aze.m/asthelios.

& also ofc the eternal dispute of "amaya appears straight" cause some of their ship are with men. sorry to say, but part of it is.... if we talk about xiv canon women, as much as i love them - they all tend to fall under a same-ish archertype. we have way more diverse masc presenting characters where it is clear the devs put more love & care into them.

moen & ysayl.e were killed off for no good reason. shtola never got the same kinda development the male scions got ( nah imma say it, if shtola had been a guy the whole lifestream thing & aether sight would have had its own arc. alas it is 'haha funny we nearly saw her naked'). the moment the devs remembered minf.ilia is a really interesting character they got so scared they yeeted her off for over an expac only to have her be dead once we reunite. yotsu.yu died too. i really like zero but i am trying so hard to not be too attached bcs the game slapped she/her on 'em so all i see is a deathflag.

i am sorry then that people feel more inclined to ship their characters with the guys then. the saving grace in all of this are the rper here tbh who grab these characters & give them so much more life ( just as an example, @astherea 's shtola is just brilliant )

just no. amaya is not a straight cis woman. amaya is a deeply queer character & just 'cause they do not follow certain expectations does not mean people got the right to insist they are not queer. & I think part of it is the fandoms general stance towards femme writers & femme ocs. people see a chest & go "oh woman. probs only want to ship" when that just ain't the case... &...like. even if. why do people act like they are personally attacked by that???

i don't have a real conclusion tbh i dunno why the event made me think of all that but it just kinda got me to ramble about this even tho this is 80% incoherent screeching at nothing.

[babydollmarauders]

i'm a transmasc hockey fan, but i'm not very far into my transition so a lot of cis guys say the same crap to me that they do to fem hockey fans, so it's just this extra level of infuriating. they're being misogynistic as hell (insinuating i only like hockey bc of attractive players, saying girls don't watch/play sports, etc) and they're misgendering me/being transphobic as hell once i correct them. i've watched this sport my whole life. i grew up falling asleep on my uncles' laps watching leafs and rangers games. when i first met my fiancé i had to explain to them that i couldn't schedule date nights on nights the leafs were playing, and even though they don't like sports they still try to understand and love hockey the way i do. it's just... infuriating in so many ways that these assholes think they're better than me because they were born a guy and also happen to like the same sport/league that i like. rant over but your opinions have been rlly good and i'm sorry you have to deal with this bullshit too.

i’m so sorry that cis men are not only being misogynistic, but being transphobic and misgendering you! i’ll bet they’re the same kind of people who praise the players who won’t wear the pride warmup jerseys or say it “doesn’t matter” when a player won’t wear it/a team opts out of pride night.

cis men in the hockey community can genuinely be some of the worst kinds of people! no matter how long a woman or femme appearing person has watched the sport, they’ll still try and undermine them.

it saddens me to see how many of y’all are messaging me with stories and encounters like these! you don’t deserve to have these things happen to you guys! nobody does!

hockey is for EVERYONE, not just cis men! and the LGBTQ+ community and women are slowly taking our spots in the hockey community and making sure that they understand that (as we should!)!

i’m always here to rant to or anything! <3

[transsexualhamlet]

james is so fucking cool

why yumori james bond is epic trans representation

Yknow, as a bi trans man myself, there is just. something so validating about the whole bond thing. Like, yeah, I’ve read manga with canon trans characters before, but rarely are they actually treated with more than tolerance. It’s not just that james is trans, it’s that he doesn’t have to be a Nice Trans Person to do it, and that he’s every transmasc’s fantasy to be able to just prove all the assholes wrong.

There’s just something so EPIC in the fact that he doesn’t have to perscribe to any cis-friendly definitions of trans, while still showing clear and relatable signs of being such. He was incredibly feminine before transitioning, and clearly is attracted to men. At the same time he can also be skilled at both looking/acting feminine and masculine in the like, four different times within his pre-transition arc he put on a man-sona lmao. 

But still, even afterward, it’s not as if any of that has changed. James is still in many aspects feminine. he still likes ‘feminine’ things like acting, and he like... still wears makeup lmao. He can go from looking like the most femme person ever to a twink and no one gives him shit about it. And he doesn’t have to pass for the moriartys to go “yuh that’s a man”, moran can go like “but BOOBIES” and they’re like “yeah, and?” and that’s exactly what I’m looking for?

Bond clearly has little to no dysphoria, though it’s clear he has gender euphoria. He’s not insecure, he’s not ashamed of his body, he’s not apologetic in any way about his gender. He doesn’t have to prove anything to insist that he is a man, and every change in his appearance/manner is completely by his own choice.

And not just respected like, you’d expect to see, respected in specifically a kind of middle finger way to the bitches who don’t agree, specifically deciding to showcase dramatically that every single argument against Bond’s gender is absolute bullshit.

The best thing is that having transphobia portrayed on the page actually, instead of undermining the character, only serves to show how valid he actually is. Moran ends up looking like an idiot. Bond ends up with simps. Oh, he still has tiddies? That’s your problem if you can’t stop looking at them. Oh it will affect Fred? Really, Fred, the one whose entire job is to crossdress? Oh he doesn’t pass? Look at his manspread and tell me if it matters. Oh he’s not as strong as a cis man? Tell that to him pinning you to the wall in a second flat with his platform tennis shoes and KOing 10 people in a minute with those height lifters. Bitch has a gun. It’s your problem now.

See, that’s the content I’m looking for. It’s honestly even better than if he’d just transitioned and gotten no pushback. He gets an opportunity to be a full on fruit, a twink, a badass bastard, he gets a big tiddy goth gf and he gets to drive the down with cis bus. He’s not gonna be nice about it. He isn’t just tolerated. If you misgender him or disrespect him or try anything, he’s not gonna tolerate you.

This is a trans character I can relate to! This is a trans character I can look up to! This is a trans character to fuel my fantasy of beating up transphobes! This is what I want!!

My final point is the man using a gun as a packer. King shit.

[werevulvi]

I'm going back to labeling myself a trans man, and it's not just for practical reasons. Let’s dive into that for a moment.

Well, first off, I don't want to medically detransition, as it turns out. I explored that option upon recovering from my past traumas and cleaning up my internalised misogyny, 2 years ago, but ultimately I'm still dysphoric about my sex, and feel... I dunno, spiritually soothed, perhaps, by continuing looking like a man, and I wish to go back to living socially as a man as well. I don't hate being female, not at all. It's wonderful to be of the female sex, and I can appreciate it now, but only on the condition that I get to look physically masculine and pass as male. That's my aesthetic, and it's my literal appearance. So I'm embracing that too.

However, I don't feel good trying to force myself into the social role of womanhood, what "woman" means to almost everyone I meet in my day to day life. That social expectation of me to look a certain way, act a certain way, want certain things, dislike other things, and so on. That is what I need to take a step away from. People seem to be incapable of respecting transition choices the moment I call myself a woman, which hurts. I understand that 99% of my social dysphoria is literally just wanting to escape misogyny, but so what? That's just common sense, to wanna escape/avoid misogyny when being female. Don't blame me (or any other female) for wanting to get away from that. Blame men.

Genderwise though... I don't know what even is "gender" but for me, I'd say it's a strong inner desire to live as male and look like a man with male sex characteristics - or in blunt wording for those of you who are wilfully obtuse around here: a wish to immitate maleness and live as a fake man. Clear enough? I hope so. I don't "feel male" or anything dumb like that. I just wanna look as if I'm male and let others believe that's what I am, which comes with no effort at this point in my transition. I just exist as I am, and people read me as male. And I love just existing, comfortably like that. Not shaving, or monitoring my voice, or anything.

And by "living as a man" I mean talk about myself as a (trans) man, going by a male name (whenever I decide for one, although I have a suggestion in mind, however I will keep my original female names as middle names), telling my friends and family that I'd wish to go by he/him pronouns again, and just... kinda ride on that sorta wave. I don't mean acting some kinda role of stereotypical masculinity or forcing my ass into male only spaces. Except for bathrooms, for what should be obvious practical reasons, considering my appearance. I'd rather be an illusion among men then than freak women out. I still prefer gender neutral bathrooms whenever I can access them, but that's not always an option. Such is life.

I feel good simply thinking of myself as a man, even though I know I'm not literally male, and don't particularly want to be anymore. I'm transmale, and that's what I want to be, so it makes sense to call myself a trans man then. It calms and soothes me to just allow those feelings to exist within me, and nurturing them. As soon as I did, a feeling of relief snuck up on me, and a couple of days ago it hit me very strongly. Somehow I became a trans man in denial at 9 years into my transition. Because that's how much I hate being trans and wish I wasn't. But I've always known that's not something I can beat out of myself. Yet, that's exactly what I tried to do. I don't know how that happened, but I need to stop suppressing how much I want to live as a man. Which isn't a bad thing to do. I cannot believe that's bad when I no longer hate or try to escape my femaleness.

Because I wanna be openly trans and hold onto my lesbian label. Because I'm still a homosexual female, no matter what I call my gender, and that is an important aspect of me. I only have the capacity to be attracted to people of my own bio sex, including other trans men. My girlfriend is also a lesbian, and honestly I love her for that (among many other things, of course.) I know that she's attracted to me because I'm female and have a pussy, and I'm totally fine with that. I'm gonna keep my pussy (no SRS ever), I'm not dysphoric about it anymore, and I love that she loves it too. It makes sex so much better, lol.

I feel honoured being the only 'man' my girlfriend could love. It's not at all "invalidating" that she's not into bio men, because I honour my female sex in my own ways, and I wouldn't want to be loved for something I am not. I'm proudly female and FtM, embracing both those aspects of my transitioned body and my trans life. Although I still need to work more on accepting myself for being trans, it's getting better fast by just being very kind to myself and allowing myself to feel.

I'd say I'm a bit of a cusper between femme lesbian and trans man, as odd as that may seem.

I wish I could be a butch, because I look up to butches a lot, but honestly? I'd rather date them, and I only feel natural being on the receiving end of chivalry, so I'm a natural femme. Being both feminine and sex dysphoric is and has always been very confusing and difficult for me, but it doesn't have to be. I can just be a feminine, lesbian trans man and not give a shit. Because why not? (Truscum, don't even bother answering that question, it's rhetorical.) So yes, I happily encourage my girlfriend to hold onto her lesbian label as well. We are a lesbian couple for as long as we're together, and I want for us to stay that way. But yes, we are also straight-passing, which I quite like.

Because of reconnecting with my transsexualism, I will (when I get the energy to) unfollow radfem blogs that lack basic respect for transitioned people (I may bypass the occasional misgendering as well as some trolling, but calling trans people gross and mutilated is not okay and I've thoroughly had enough of it) and try to clean up what I reblog in the future. I'm still gender critical and radfem, but not that ass-deep in it anymore.

Also, if any other radfem/gender critical FtM's just so happen to stumble upon this, I'd love to hear from you if you have any advice on how to balance being radfem/GC with being trans. I may be an idiot, but I've been fumbling in the dark about this and shooting myself in my own feet for far too long. I still barely even know how it's possible to be both trans and GC, lol. Basically how to gender without gender?

[mildlyoccultish]

I don’t usually post personal stuff here, but...

Yesterday, I had a white gay cis man tell me to recognize my passing privilege when I am in queer dominated spaces. He said be aware of it. This man, who is a podcaster with a large following and a massive platform in the pagan sphere, and who is conventionally attractive and fit, “passes” more for cishet than my shaved purple crewcut fat ass does.

He said this because I mentioned that I am a non-binary bisexual/pansexual person who is married to a cishet man. I’m also poly. He disregarded that I am also married to a non binary pansexual person.

I was told by a cis white conventionally attractive man that I am less queer because I am married to a man. Because I can pass as cis and straight.

He said “It isn't that you don't belong. It's that walking around as a passing heteronormative person, you are far, far, FAR less likely to be a target of violence due to your identity. You are far less likely to be a victim of a hate crime due to your identity. You are far less likely to be denied housing or employment … or any number of things because of your identity. You pass. You have the golden ticket. Many of us can't pass for cis/het/etc or don't want to and need a safe space to be ourselves.”

Ourselves. As if I was not one of them.

He said “It's not that it isn't your space, but it's important that you recognize going in to a space like that as a straight passing cis white woman you carry 𝑰𝑴𝑴𝑬𝑵𝑺𝑬 privilege.”

Even after I pointed out I was non binary, he still misgendered me.

When I pointed out that this gay cis white man was gatekeeping, he said “Nobody here is gatekeeping.

I will defend the sacredness and queerness of queer spaces, but I don't think I am defending them from you or REDACTED, as you both certainly belong in those spaces.

I don't care if you don't *want* to pass. You do pass. That is privilege. Immense privilege. Recognize and remember that. That's all I'm saying.”

“... That idea seems to have touched a nerve with you, given how you've sort of blown up this comment thread. Perhaps this is something you can unpack and write about elsewhere. I'd be happy to read those thoughts.”

Okay. Sure. Right-o.

Let’s be real for a minute - anyone can pass if they want to diminish themselves enough. Not talking about the safety of trans folks here - just merely the concept of “passing”.I recognize some trans folks make the choice to pass for their own safety, regardless of their true gender. That is a shitty, horrible choice they have to make. They shouldn’t have to.

I am specifically talking about passing in queer spaces.

What he said is incredibly hurtful, and it is gatekeeping. It is biphobia, panphobia, and it is not privilege. Calling out people as having ‘straight privilege’ is a silencing tactic. It’s turning being queer into a binary – you’re either gay or you’re straight. Monosexism is the great uniter in the erasure and bigotry against pansexual and bisexual people.

I do recognize that most cishets might just clock me as weird, but not necessarily queer. I recognize that to the cishet world, I am less likely to suffer violence than someone who is trans or a lesbian with their partner, for example. However, it is not a privilege to be shut out of my own community because I happen to be married to a cis hetero dude. I’m also married to a non binary pansexual person who looks like a cis hetero dude, but is no less non binary. It’s not privilege to be questioned about how queer I am. That I’m somehow a traitor or fake because I married a cishet. It’s not a privilege to be shoved back into the closet because I somehow don’t tick all the binary boxes.

Did you know that bi and pan people are far more likely to experience issues surrounding mental health? That they are at an increased risk of intimate partner violence, sexual assault, and stalking? That bi and pan people have a harder time raising human rights and discrimination suits if their relationship appears heteronormative? Bi and pan folks (and ace and aro folks too) constantly have to reaffirm and restate and justify their queerness to cis white gay men to pass their judgement and be let past the velvet rope, temporarily. That somehow being bi means if you’re in a gay relationship, you’re going to leave anyway because you’re not actually gay, but if you’re in a heteronormative relationship you’re a traitor and no longer belong in queer spaces.

Pan and bi erasure is a real thing, hidden under the term “passing privilege”. It’s absolute horseshit. And the audacity of this cis white gay man – this conventionally attractive white gay man who “passes” as more cishet than I do – to other me out of queer spaces that I belong in is disgusting. He has more privilege than I ever will, and instead of recognizing his own, he decides to lecture me about what he perceives mine to be.

Not to mention that there are loads of queer people out there who don’t fit the idea of how queer people should “look” – and what does that even mean anyway? Does it mean that a femme lesbian who goes to a queer event without her girlfriend as proof of queerness will be turned away? Or how about all the single queer people that don’t look “queer”? Are they questioned by the cis white gay men in charge to make sure they’re queer enough? There is no specific “queer” look. I know lots of gay folks who are “cishet passing” – doesn’t make them less queer, nor does it give anyone the right to question them about it! Queer people are not homogenized - everyone is different and beautiful and just as valid as anyone else. If someone is in a queer space and says they are queer, they are queer.

I don’t owe anyone androgyny. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I am queer. I belong.

(Now – in other terms of privilege, yes. I am privileged because I am white, lower middle class, and appear able bodied. I don’t identify as trans. And there are other folks who have to deal with this bullshit ‘passing privilege’ stuff too – trans folks, intersex folks.  All of the shit I am saying? Goes DOUBLE for queer BIPOC who identify as bi/pan. And trans folks and BIPOC trans folks have it even worse. Because of my own privilege, I feel pretty safe to talk about this, but please remember that all of us in the queer community should be elevating more marginalized voices and people who are not able to voice their concerns on this. This happens all the time. If you see it, speak up against it because fuck this bullshit.)

[whatdoesenbymean]

I'm currently identifying as non binary(girlflux) but I'm AFAB and Im wondering if I can still claim misogyny or is that misgendering myself. I can't seem to find anything on this.

To be honest I feel like the answer to this question is mostly a matter of semantics and how we define misogyny.

What I can say is that you are affected by the devaluation of women, afab bodies, and femmes, which are interrelated forces that may act on trans people in complex ways.

I also don't think that we can misgender ourselves in the same way that others can. We have the most intimate and accurate understanding of our own identities and experiences. Complexity may sometimes appear to cause paradoxes, but that's mostly a function of the clumsy nature of our language surrounding gender.

[ask-a-nonbinary-ace]

I am nonbinary; I am so much that this term encapsulates

99% of the time, I identify simply as "nonbinary" because it's such an easy umbrella term. Folks can have such a difficult time understanding even the concept of being nonbinary, and the fact is, I don't always have the spoons to have my gender questioned even more than the default cissexist / truscum garbage concept of "there are only two genders." Also, "nonbinary" encapsulates a part of me that always exists, the simple "I may not know which in every moment, but not binary" concept of my gender that never changes. I have never once in even my most binary of moments felt fully aligned with a binary gender. To get more specific, I am multigender, and genderfluid. I specify the latter because some multigender folks simply exist as multiple different genders all at once all the time, but that's not exactly my experience. Rather, I shift in between multiple genders, and while I usually try to put effort into making my appearance reflect my gender, it isn't always possible, and honestly it's become harder to inspire myself to do so during the pandemic. Not only is no one outside my family seeing me (lowering my need to "put on a show" to hopefully, maybe, still-probably-not be correctly gendered) but also the accompanying depression has led to me simply being less likely to keep up on the necessary laundry, and also less likely to put the effort into picking out something perfect. I'm never offended by being seen as "just nonbinary" without anything more specific addressed, so that's pretty much what my family does. It's what most people do, because it's what I find simplest to request. As for the actual breakdown of my genders, I've found (thus far in my life) that I fall into four categories: Masc (though not male), femme (though not female), angrodyne (a mix of masc and femme), and agender (lacking all gender). My experience of androgyne may differ from that of others, as my experience with most anything could. That's the thing about gender: It's such a very large spectrum that it's possible to use the same term because it basically describes what you're talking about, but you're actually sitting adjacent to rather than overlapping some others who use the same term. (And that's okay! These terms exist to help you understand yourself and find community, not to define who you have to be.) I always want people to use they / them pronouns for me, even when I am masc or femme, because underlying those genders is a constant layer of androgyne that does not abate with leaning in one more binary direction over another. And when I am fully androgyne, or the rare circumstance when I sense no gender in myself at all, I want pronouns that reflect that, which is an issue "they / them" covers nicely. Regardless of whether I am feeling femme and choose to play it up with lipstick and a dress, or feeling masc and choose to play it up with "men's" clothes and a snapback, "they / them" simply covers all my bases. They are pronouns that are always affirming for me, and never misgendering, and that's absolutely what we all deserve to get out of pronouns. What is your gender(s)? How do you choose to express this aspect of your true self?

[transhawks]

NB Dabi Head-Canons

Uhh, I got asked about this weeks ago, but before I go to bed I want to share some HCs I have specifically about a Dabi that identifies as nb! Feel free to adopt this for your own HCs, fics, whatever! 

First off, they’re not really big on labels, it’s part of their issues with gender roles in the first place, too. So asking them about their identity is a fruitless effort; they’ll probably not discuss it much other than just shrugging it off as ‘no big deal’. If they really were to actually discuss it, they’d mostly call themselves agender but there are definitely days when they slide around a spectrum.

Dabi definitely grew up in a very traditional Japanese home with extremely conservative views of gender and sexuality because of a mysogynist father, of course, so part of coming to terms with their experiences growing up was also reflecting on how uncomfortable they felt being forced into Endeavor’s expectations of manhood. 

Leaving home allowed them to experiment - the piercings and hairdye are part of that because Dabi’s encounters with GNC and Trans folk tended to be other rather countercultural people so they have associations with a very alt aesthetic and the kind of gender affirmation they connect with.

Dabi is also someone who doesn’t actually desire affirmation from society and the people around them (seemingly). Their personal pronoun is more male-aligned because they don’t exactly care so much - to them their gender is rather personal, and their rage and indignation is focused on other things.

They have a bluntness about certain things regarding gender issues that may jar more aware people, but it’s clearly an issue of them still unlearning some of the attitudes they picked up in their childhood home.

At the same time, there’s complete comfort around other openly queer people that might surprise someone who assumes Dabi’s a cishet man, that might clue someone in.

As much as they have a devil may care attitude, Dabi probably surprised the League by never referring to Magne as anything but a woman, and though Magne had taken a liking to them (going based off Smash), they remained polite and explained that they were not exactly looking for anything at the moment. 

Magne’s death probably enraged Dabi, especially the subsequent misgendering. Strangely, despite Dabi’s lack of sensitivity, they’d talked to her enough that the idea that it mattered to Magne what people saw her as and her having the freedom to live her in her truth stuck with them. Dabi was very satisfied with Overhaul getting his just desserts. 

There are days where Dabi will do small things showing they are presenting more femme. 

Dabi’s encounter with womanhood as a child was through their mother and sister, and often felt jealous of Fuyumi’s ability to do things they ‘couldn’t’.

Their mother was very particular about flowers and scents and had a way of spoiling herself with perfumes and scented oils. Often Dabi would watch her dab oils on her wrists and behind her ears and while Dabi wears their appearance like armor, once in a while they will allow themselves a similar behavior, because of a good childhood memory that always seemed tied to performing femininity. 

Sometimes they contemplate growing their hair out but it might be difficult to manage for their lifestyle. 

There are some more traumatic memories involving being a child and exploring their gender, but Dabi just uses this as fuel for the rage they already have for their father.

If anything, the way the hero system also tries to capitalize on gender differences, especially with sexualizing female heroes and expecting certain masculinity from male heroes, is another thing Dabi dislikes about it and will derisively talk about it short sentences if it’s brought up.

But mostly they don’t talk about this stuff, and don’t care. They feel as comfortable with themselves as they can and have always wondered why it’s such a big deal to choose to be neither and something else. 

They carry this attitude into any romantic relationship too; they’ll off-handedly mention not iding as male or female and treat it as absolutely no big deal and expect their partner to do the same. Anyone they’d actually like enough to date would be the type to not be an idiot about it.

[thisiswhymomworries]

How did you figure out you're a man? Gender is confusing

gender is very confusing, and I just dogpaddled in this great big Confusion Ocean toward anything that made me happy

I started out by realizing that even though wearing makeup and dresses and heels made me look very pretty and that validation made me happy, I was only happy about other people responding positively. it didn’t make me happy on its own, and was actually a huge pain to do every day

so I went more “butch” and eventually started buying clothes out of the boy’s section, and that DID make me happy. to the point that I started only wearing those and stopped wearing makeup entirely

then being called she, her, anything about being a woman, started to feel really wrong and aggravating, even though I’d spent years IDing as non-binary (knowing I am Not a woman is one of the few solid facts I’ve known about myself for sure, but I went to the non-binary label before trans male) and not caring or feeling bad / dysphoric about it

idk why that changed. maybe because I just started being more open with myself about what I really wanted, and I’d also sort of “proven” to myself that I *could be* beautiful and attractive as a femme-presenting person, which was important bc my entire childhood was about how ugly and weird I was, so I guess I just needed to reverse that in my mind before I could move forward with anything else

but then once I had learned how to dress fashionably and apply makeup well and “look pretty,” my brain was like “OK we accomplished that Fuck You so we’re totally done with that now” and suddenly it just wasn’t fun anymore  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

then I went through months of reacting very badly inside my own head every time someone misgendered me as female (before, thinking I was non-binary, I personally was just sort of resigned to the fact that no one would ever realize I was nb without me telling them, and it was “fair” for them to assume I was female, so it didn’t really bother me toooo much or feel like misgendering, but whoo boy did THAT change)

and also during those same Bad Months, struggling over whether I could still be happy IDing as non-binary, and just because I Was Not Female, that didn’t necessarily make me male, but also I liked wearing boy’s clothes and the thought of being a boy made me really happy and I started dreaming that I was a boy and one time my boss told me I was “a gentleman and a scholar” as just a silly joke but my dopamine receptors latched onto the word “gentleman” for like a week of happiness, soooo

I just started doing anything that would make me happy and dropping the things that didn’t. getting a binder made me happy, buying all boy’s clothes for my whole wardrobe has made me happy, and eventually I decided using he/him pronouns would make me happier than they/them pronouns

I’ve also been in therapy for the last several months specifically to have someone to talk to about this stuff, mostly just as a sounding board and someone to listen while I figure out how to verbalize my feelings, because that’s helped me understand WHAT I’m feeling a lot. I also went through a leadership program at my local equality center that let me test out using he/him pronouns and joined a transgender support group where I’ve made friends and also talked about it all!

as for non-binary vs trans male, I eventually realized the actually important part is that I’m Not Female. right now, at this moment, I’m happiER using he/him pronouns and being a trans male. maybe that’s because it’s “easier” in a way because I didn’t have to explain much while coming out at work and he/him is more common than they/them. maybe one day I’ll realize that being binary-male doesn’t quite fit and I’m more demi-boy or even go back to non-binary

but RIGHT NOW, it does make me happy and is easy and safe (at work, with my friends, and with my mother; I am very very lucky) to use that label. since I’m never going to wake up and feel like a cis woman, because I never have in my life so I see no reason for that to be fluid or change, there’s no point in clinging to it when something else could make me happy. and even if I do need to switch to non-binary, that’s not any LESS trans. that’s not like basically a girl. my cis coworkers would still consider me different from them and would still need to get used to new pronouns and a new appearance, so holding back on IDing as a trans male just because I’m not 100% certain I’m a MAN sometimes doesn’t make sense

so that’s how I ended up making the jump to declaring I’m a man, even though it took a really long time and I have doubts sometimes. that’s all OK, and I’m just going to do whatever I need to so I can be happy and live my best life, and so should you

[lestcat-de-lioncourt]

This is what I hate most when people assume my androgynous identity must just be that, and have huge qualms if I have body hair, which I now brutally grow for my own preference even if it drives people away because it’s not actually a problem nor is it not “androgynous enough”, whatever that means. Androgynous does not mean femme and if you want to be femme then be femme, but it is a vast collection of all kinds of levels of presentation with clothing and/or body types.

I am disgusted with how little intersex people are treat with respect and many are quick to be super pro-trans or androgyny yet still will misgender intersex people. I’ve seen appalling numerous attempts through history and with people and character to force them into whichever gender the perpetrator prefers just because the person thinks they have authority to do this just because they’re intersex so therefore can be any gender the perpetrator wants no matter how the victim feels about it, then becoming abusive if called out. I saw this recently with a fictional character yes, but a clear example of what’s done to real people or the person the character is depicting.

There’s plenty of intersexphobia within apparently a safe LGBTQIA+ community, and it’s shocking the sheer amount to be honest. It’s treat as negative somehow, similar like said it this with T dicks literally bullying and transphobic abuse to people with anything on this topic and it’s such a vulnerable subject, and it’s degrading things we should be very proud of. It is shameful to be causing pain for others in this manner a for the sake of this femme fantasy and you should stick to dating cis people rather than damaging innocent people with transphobia or intersexphobia you selfishly appear to not be able to get over.

Also there’s a lot more hatred with the term androgynous as more people seem to identify more with non-binary or gender fluid, and now some of these can be similar and others totally different. I’m androgynous for instance but my gender is not fluid, whereas you can also be a mixture of more than one of those.

For some reason androgyny has got a lot of hate tagged to it’s name most out of all of those, for that I don’t know why aside from the exclusionary behaviour of who is allowed to be androgynous, and people forgetting the meaning of it in favour of one specific type of appearance and out of everything it’s interesting as to how androgyny has become the thing with a “strict style” and skin colour somehow attached to it when places from all over the world have practiced androgyny for thousands of years, whether or not it was specifically called that, and it really irritates me and is disrespectful to anyone who is androgynous. Don’t ever feel like you can’t be androgynous because of any reason! Also don’t forget there’s not just androgynous, there’s androgyne too!

Androgynous/androgyny/androgyne are reclaimed words that was formerly used solely as a slur or term of abuse until the 1980s, but has now been semantically overturned by LGBT persons who use it as a term of defiant pride.

We are proud to be androgynous, I have been since I discovered I was 11 years ago now, and have never looked back. And yes, everyday is different and you can bet I’m not dressing in my femme gear (bc that’s all we are allowed to wear) to binge watch TUA, nor wearing bedazzling diamond earrings to maintain my jewelled femme boy image 24/7 or god forbid I’m no longer True Androgynous. I will wear whatever I want and mix anything of any gendered style I desire whilst remaining a man. Sure it can be a part of the presentation, but people have gotten lost in being nasty and pressuring that it ONLY must be this style format.

Experiencing transphobic/intersexphobic bullying and abuse from bisexual/pansexual people is also the most ???????? experiences like what is even happening here, or being forced to wear the opposite type of clothing at the time just because “you’re androgynous, you should be fine with it”, and such behaviours alike.

Stop behaving this way in gender inclusive spaces?! Like why be here if you have issues with all sorts to do with these things?!

Yall wanna be gnc and androgynous but hate intersex people and the idea of being intersex so much, I remember reading about PCOS potentially being considered an intersex disorder and having 100s of people dismiss it because "we can't just be calling 1 in 10 women intersex" or being in transmasc spaces and constantly being told that bottom growth and T dicks are undesirable and that people find non standard genetalia gross, in a GENDER INCLUSIVE SPACE.

The lgbt Community seriously needs to grapple with its hatred of intersex features and stop seeing androgyny that isn't pretty waify white person. You all love femme presenting androgyny but hate when people are androgynous in a broad or hairy way.

[aiden-png]

On One Week on T

10/29/19

So it’s been a week since my first injection and things have been mostly the same. I’ve experienced a lot more tiredness, usually starting around 1pm and lasting for several hours until eventually I’ve stayed up long enough for it to dissipate. The tiredness isn’t sleepiness though, so unfortunately I’m still an insomniac.

As far as body, voice, other symptoms...

I had a migraine the first day on T, which makes sense since my chronic migraines are triggered by hormone spikes.

My chest, back, and legs have been itchier lately, especially when removing my binder. No acne or blemish changes, no oiliness, no mood changes. The first couple days I felt more mellow than my usual boundless energy and happiness, but it’s evened out with the tiredness so I’m going to blame a hormonal imbalance for this symptom.

Yesterday I had a brief feeling of gender euphoria when I saw myself in the mirror. I finally got my hair fixed and this cut makes me feel much nicer, but it also seemed like my jaw and lips were slightly more masculine... even if I was an illusion I don’t get euphoria often so it was nice.

NSFW//

I’ve noticed a bit of bottom growth. Starting the second day I had sensitivity and that has continued. It’s not uncomfortable, and I’ve noticed about 1.5 cms of growth as a result. Before T I barely had anything down there even when hard but now I can actually see my junk lmao.

//

I’ve been thinking more about my transition goals and how they rely on subverting societal expectations for gender presentation. I want to dress feminine and masculine and still appear ambiguous. I think if I felt comfortable with my body and wore a dress and someone told me I “look feminine today” it would make me happy instead of upset as it does now. When someone comments on how the clothing I wear effects my gender presentation now it’s upsetting because I don’t want to look like a girl. When people think I’m a guy and call me sir it makes me smile and feel nice, but I know I don’t want to be a guy. I think it’s the circumstances leading up to the gendering that affect me most: my clothes, my voice, my hair, the way I look or act. If these trigger someone misgendering me as femme then it’s upsetting, but if I pass as masc then it’s rewarding.

In the end I hope that if society is going to make judgements of my gender based on trivial appearances... then I hope when I dress masculine I get clocked as a guy and when I dress feminine I get seen as either.

I wish there was more room for GNC trans identities and presentations in the community. It feels like there are so many who want to pass as a binary gender, and that my wish to look like a guy in a dress is wrong by extent. I know my curves will come back and my muscles will vanish once I go off T, which I’m happy to experience, and this should alter my perceived gender as well....

I think I just wish for the kind of society that doesn’t judge gender but asks. Or the kind that readily uses they/them pronouns when someone’s gender isn’t clear. That would be nice.

[thecinephale]

Super Girl: The Effort to Look Female

Harrisonburg is not rural Virginia. It’s a city. It inhabits over 50,000 people, includes James Madison University, and has gone Democrat every presidential election since 2008. Still, I spent the last few weeks with my stomach in knots, working out a strategy for my weekend there. While the wedding I was attending was right on the JMU campus, our Airbnb was deeper into Rockingham County, my girlfriend’s grandma lives in Stuart’s Draft, and we had to drive through all sorts of places to get there and back from Brooklyn. 

And as my friend Kelly said, “It’s a college town, sure, but there IS a Cracker Barrel.”

***

Next week marks my one year on hormones. Some trans people call this a second birthday, but for me that date is too nebulous. Do I claim the doctor’s appointment that acted as a first consultation? Or the first time I let a green oval of estrogen slowly dissolve under my tongue? Maybe it’s a month further when my bloodwork came back normal and I began taking a proper dosage?  

I prefer to think of transitioning as a process with many beginnings. If I had to pick a date, it would be May 12, 2017, when I fully came out to myself. But even this erases the person I was at 16 who dressed in drag for the first time. 

A year on hormones doesn’t feel like a landmark. It feels like I’m running out of time. Everyone is different, but I know generally there’s a timeline of when changes occur and when they stop. Some people claim it’s a four year process, but most people see the majority of changes in the first two years. I’m halfway there.

***

Sunday night the first trans superhero appeared in mainstream media. Nicole Maines portrayed the character of Nia Nal on The CW’s Supergirl in its fourth season premiere. Like hormone birthdays, this monumental event can’t be reduced to a single day. Nia isn’t a superhero yet, for now just a reporter working under Kara/Supergirl. And her transness has not been discussed. Both are known because they were announced at Comic Con back in July. The first trans superhero in mainstream media, played by a trans actress. 

Nicole Maines knew she was trans when she was 3 years old. By the time she was able to vote, Maines had successfully sued her school district, ensuring basic human rights for all transgender students in her home state of Maine. The CW’s marketing team has played up the “real life hero plays on-screen hero” angle and they’re not wrong. 

I knew I was trans 20 years later in my life, after I’d finished my first puberty and voted in two presidential elections. Maines and I have drastically different experiences of transness, and yet I spent the last several months watching 65 episodes of Supergirl (plus crossovers!) to prepare for her debut this week. Sure, most trans women don’t look like Nicole Maines. Most cis women don’t look like Melissa Benoist. This is how this works.

***

Once I decided to go on this trip to Virginia, I also had to decide how I was going to present. I’ve been, as they say, full-time since February. Some days I just wear jeans and a t-shirt, like most women, but it’s been a long time since I’ve actively pretended to be a man. It always made me feel awful and as my breasts grew (now at a C cup!) it became more and more difficult. My girlfriend’s extended family knew she was dating a woman, but didn’t know I was trans. I felt up to the challenge. This weekend I was just a woman. Period.

It’s been my experience that the most mindlessly validating individuals are those I’d least expect: catcallers and the elderly. My guess is they have limited knowledge of transness and classically feminine signifiers like a skirt or long hair makes their animal brain think woman. Of course, if they notice their “mistake” the catcallers will be especially cruel. Still, these experiences factored into my expectation that a high femme presentation would get me through this weekend. 

I have no idea what I look like. I’m not sure I ever will. Intellectually I know my face has feminized, but I don’t know how much. I don’t know why sometimes I get correctly gendered, but mostly not. I don’t know if people are just humoring me or saying what they’re supposed to or being kind when they say “Miss.”

I appreciate this effort, but it’s not what I want. I want to look in the mirror and see a woman, I want the people in my life to look at me and see a woman, and I want strangers to look at me and see a woman.

In Virginia, nobody saw a woman.

***

The most trans-related scene in Nicole Maines’ first episode didn’t feature her at all. Martian J’onn J’onzz (David Harewood), recently retired, has joined an alien support group. While Supergirl has previously leaned hard on the alien as immigrant analogy, this scene isn’t the first time the show has equated alien status with queerness. Season two introduced an underground alien bar that was obviously meant to evoke the historic haven of the gay bar.  

An alien that looks human begins by saying he’s at the group to share his happiness. “For the first time since I’ve been on this planet I feel like I fit in,” he says with a smile. “And it’s because of this.” He taps a device on the side of his head that reveals his true alien form, before switching back to the human veneer. 

An older alien who looks human but has pointed ears and tusks on his forearms pushes back. “Who decides what’s normal? Why should we have to wear these devices that change our appearance so we can be tolerated?”

The first alien responds with the obvious: “Well, that’s easy for you to say. You just look like a Tolkien fan.”

***

Whether we want to look cis and whether we have the ability to look cis is certain to be a heated topic between trans people, because it’s often a heated topic within ourselves. Everyone is taking stock of what they have and what they want. And sometimes it’s impossible to distinguish what we truly need to feel okay and what society tells us we need. I identify as a binary trans woman, not because I believe in the gender binary, but because I’m close enough that I can live (for now) with that conformity. The more gender non-conforming you naturally are and the more gender non-conforming you desire to be the more external pressure you’ll receive.

I’m 5’5 and 110 pounds and within my first three months on hormones I’d developed breasts. These are my natural privileges. My body hair, facial hair, and Adam’s apple are my negatives. The curly hair on my head and my masculine but not that masculine face are up for debate. Every week I get an hour of electrolysis done on my face, which is the process of hot needles and tweezers manually killing every hair follicle. It’s more painful than it sounds. I’m one year into this process and have at least another year left. It costs $75 per session and my ability to afford that at all is another privilege, while the huge chunk of my income that takes up is another negative.

My facial hair is my biggest insecurity and whenever I get misgendered I assume that’s the reason. My mom regularly insists it’s my Adam’s apple and if I would just get that surgically reduced I’d be able to “pass.” The truth is probably more complex. A mix between stubble, the Adam’s apple, and the small characteristics that are targeted in a comprehensive surgical process known as Facial Feminization Surgery. 

I’ve never wanted FFS. I can’t even decide if I want the Adam’s apple surgery. Going on hormones was such an easy, obvious choice for me, but these surgeries can feel like a betrayal of my transness. I don’t want to look cis. But I do want to look like a woman. I’ve started to worry that for the rest of the world those will always be the same thing.

Due to my size I thought I would be like the alien who looks pretty normal but just has tusks on his arms. I could proudly be like, “Look at my tusks/Adam’s apple! I’m an alien/trans. Deal with it.” Maybe I’m really the other alien, whose life is consumed by their alien status unless they change themselves. Or maybe we’re all both aliens and the support group is our minds. Two sides debating, one that looks in the mirror and sees a woman with some unique qualities, another that looks in the mirror and sees a man who needs to change.

***

I wasn’t misgendered until halfway through the wedding reception. I certainly got stares, but it was unclear whether those were lesbian couple stares or transgender stares. I chose to think lesbian couple. Last week my electrologist worked under my jaw so I could wear a full face of makeup. I wore a blue and white Kate Spade dress that was conservative yet flattering. I had on heels and my hair was up. It was the most femme I’ve ever looked. If a random catcaller correctly gendered me the week before when I was wearing a sweatshirt and no makeup, then surely my gender had registered now.

Again, the goal is not that no one knows I’m trans. The goal is for people, without thinking, to say “she.” If afterwards they go “Hmm is this one of those transgendereds I’ve read about?” then fine. But I want to win over the gut instinct. I know this is wrong. Our identities shouldn’t require any external validation. But they do. 

Once I began interacting with people and there was cause to gender me, I did about 50/50. But even when correct there was a pause. I suddenly felt very foolish. This idea I had that I was my harshest critic, that the man I saw in the mirror would look like a woman to these Virginians, was painfully misguided. I look how I look. It will continue to change gradually as I continue hormones and electrolysis, and this may or may not change how others perceive me. I can then choose to alter my appearance further with surgeries or, simply, accept the way I look.

***

“There’s nothing slight about fashion,” Nia says pitching a story. “It’s one of the most visceral forms of art. What we choose to wear tells a story about who we are.” A trans woman believing in the power of presentation is not exactly groundbreaking. But the show has always been filled with clichés that work because they’re true. 

What struck me most watching Maines’ debut was the immediate fondness I had for her. This, of course, has as much to do with talent and charisma as it does transness. Maines injects Nia with an immediate likability, an awkwardness that recalls season one Kara, but with an added vulnerability. I’d framed this character as a necessary first step. Sure, she looks like Nicole Maines… still a trans superhero! But watching her on screen I became very aware that I don’t know Nicole’s insecurities and I don’t know Nia’s. I don’t know anybody’s experience of transness except my own. I don’t even know what gender is or what it means to be trans. Nobody does. We may craft personal narratives to decipher our wants and needs. Cis society may craft narratives to understand, or, more commonly, to erase. But we don’t know. I don’t know why sometimes I look one way to some people and a different way to other people. I don’t know why I have some insecurities and not others. I don’t know why some clothes feel good. Or why some do not.

What I do know is that it felt good to see Nicole Maines on screen. I know that when Kara looked at her and said, “Oh my God. You’re me,” I thought, no. She’s me.

[margridarnauds]

whatever numbers from that lgbt+ ask meme u haven't already been asked?

1. What do you identify as and what are your pronouns?

~Tentatively~ bi (Not into dating dudes, but can appreciate them aesthetically); she/her. 

3. Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?

I’ve not, thankfully. Having longish to medium length hair tends to mean that people ping me as a woman because for some reason we as a society decided to equate reproductive organs to dead skin cells. 

5. Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?I’ve talked before about how very laid back my mom was about it (Sometimes to extremes. Like...MOM. I KNOW YOU STILL LOVE ME, I APPRECIATE IT, BUT I DON’T NEED YOU REITERATING IT EVERY FIVE SECONDS. I KNO-) Still, it was genuinely good to have that weight off your shoulders. There’s always that moment of fear anyway, or where you’re worried that you’ll be told that you’ll change your mind. Coming out as an atheist was actually more stressful, tbh. 

6. If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?

I don’t think I’ve ever REALLY gotten any blowback, it’s kind of like an “Oh.” I KNOW my aunt thinks it’s a phase, I have no idea how she’d deal with me actually DATING someone, especially since she’s hanging with a very conservative crowd at church and she’s a chameleon. 

10. What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

For me, makeup is a personal choice, albeit one that IS often forced on women by either society or by their own businesses as a way of being “professional.” I hate how radfem culture has infected the discussion on it, to the point where normally STAUNCHLY anti-radfem bloggers unknowingly parrot the same talking points, I don’t consider it to be INHERENTLY evil and I DO think that some women can personally find empowerment with it. I’ve been BLOWN AWAY by the cosplay work people can do. But it IS fucked up that society EXPECTS women to spend hours each day on it. 

And, while I’m at it, while I don’t blame COMPANIES for naming their makeup things like “sex on the beach,” (astonishing, I know) because those are things VERY OBVIOUSLY AIMED AT ADULTS, I DO think that influencers are pure evil for convincing kids that they need them. (And also it’s not like the companies REALLY care about where they’re getting the money from, and the INFLUENCERS are getting money from somewhere, lest anyone think I’m giving capitalism a break here) And I blame parents for not being willing to discuss it with their kids, given that my mom was always very encouraging when it came to telling me that I didn’t need it when I was, like, 8. If you’re going to have kids, you need to be prepared to PARENT. And that includes discussing things with them, sometimes things that are uncomfortable, rather than simply giving them the $50 eyeshadow they’re asking for. And, to this day, I STILL don’t wear any, simply because I don’t feel like spending the time on it. I could probably magic myself some cheekbones if I really wanted to, but I don’t want to learn, not really, and I’m happy existing as I am. 

11. Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?

I’m not sure if I would describe it as DYSPHORIA, per see, but there can be this very odd, disjarring feeling when someone calls me a woman or uses she/her. It doesn’t really LAST per se, it’s very much a momentary thing, and, as I’ve said before, I favor it compared to the other pronoun/gender options, but it’s definitely not something I’m 100% happy with. 

15. Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?

I haven’t been! Simply because even though my mom’s been open about being willing to take me, it’s still....awkward when you need to rely on someone else. Hopefully, next year, things will be better. 

16. Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?

As far as people who are ACTUALLY LGBT+, I have a lot of personal respect for Janelle Monáe and Kristen Stewart. As far as icons and people who have been willing to speak out on behalf of LGBT+ rights while at least APPEARING to be straight (since I’m not going to pry one way or another), Taylor Swift, who has REPEATEDLY gone out there and embraced her LGBT+ fanbase. 

17. Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

I haven’t been, a fact which I bitterly lament to anyone who’s willing to hear, which I’m sure is a VERY attractive trait. [/s]  

19. Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?

I haven’t, one of the advantages of not “pinging”/ not being in a relationship with anyone. Can’t face discrimination if you’re holding your own hand. 

21. Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?

Hm, outside of here, I don’t really FOLLOW that many LGBT+ bloggers. And here, just about all my mutuals are some brand of LGBT+. Obviously, there’s you. As far as people who tend to work a lot with gay content, particularly in a historical context, I highly recommend @marzipanandminutiae. For more general fandom-y stuff, my old friend @taylorswiftnuswnt, who has been really instrumental as far as helping me realize that I was something other than a Straight Girl™ (and who helps me keep up with the Gay Migration at any given point in time.)

22. Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?“Queer”‘s already mine and they’ll have to pry it out of my grubby hands. 

27. What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

Some people REALLY need/want them, some people don’t. Personally, I resent the EXPECTATION that we HAVE to have them. 

 Personally, I’m not interested in replicating a 50s marriage with a gay bent. I spent my entire childhood dreading being forced into that kind of gender role in a relationship and really dreading the idea of a relationship in GENERAL because of that; I’m not going to get into a carbon copy of that. 

If someone ELSE wants to do that, I’m not going to shit on them, because it’s THEIR decision. Go forth and be happy, though I do want BOTH partners to be aware that there are other options. (I saw so many people in my old hometown become essentially cookie cutter brides after they graduated from high school, all of them with kids, all smiling faces, all “stand by your man,” and yes, it does give me Stepford Wife vibes.)

I know that back in the day, Butch/Femme couples were shit on for “replicating heterosexuality,” and that was obviously wrong, so I’m not going to try to pretend like one way is the most progressive, but also for me? Nada. And I do kind of resent how Tumblr’s turned top/bottom discussions into “Let’s replicate the gender binary with gay ships.” Basically, people SHOULD have the ability to choose what makes them happy, but also? It is NOT some kind of default. 

28. Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?