#also for legal reasons the stockholm syndrome thing is a joke

[dashboarddiaries]

My 13th tumblrversary is today, as well as the 10th Dash-Con anniversary today, and the only words I have to share about it are the lyrics to Metallica's "One" -- specifically the "DARKNESS IMPRISONING ME" line, and that this is my curated poison bog, and I'll never leave

omg CONGRATS, lucky number 13!!!

but yeah, "DARKNESS IMPRISONING ME" sounds......about right. at this point, I've for sure got stockholm syndrome for the Darkness.

[sleepingpatterns]

“Should I use InDesign to lay out my books?” - A Passionate Guide

Ok, if you are like me, you recently stumbled upon @armoredsuperheavy​‘s brilliant blog about bookbinding and fanfiction, and now you are excited to throw yourself head-first into bookbinding.

This also means that you are about to invest a fair amount of time into figuring out how exactly to lay out books. What you end up getting comfortable with will most likely be what you end up using long term, so it is worthwhile giving it some thought. The question really comes down to this: who's name will you be cursing for the foreseeable future? Adobe? Or Microsoft?

Full disclosure: I only started using InDesign because I was forced to. I worked as an editor at a newspaper, and that was what we used. The beginning was hell. I won’t sugar coat it, it sucks. In the end it was worth it. Once you figure it out, InDesign’s potential far outstrips Microsoft Word (in my opinion).

That encouragement means very little when you open this treacherous program for the first time and see THIS:

“What?! I will literally give you $100 if you guess what all the buttons on the left are for. How the fuck do I make the margins disappear!?”

So, if using InDesign means figuring out what at least one third of the tools on the left are for, lets talk pros and cons.

Let’s get the cons out of the way.

It is expensive. Adobe is not fucking around. This puppy costs 20 bucks a month (Canadian) to RENT. If this is out of your price range, do you still have options? Yes. Do they range in legality? Also yes. I think I could potentially get in trouble for telling you to find your friendly neighborhood torrenting site and steal this software. I will say, outright, that no one should steal software ever. Got it? I would be very upset if someone were to message me for specifics. As you naturally wish to be law-abiding, there is also the quasi-legal option of repeating the 14-day free trial. My friend works at a professional print studio in Russia, and this is the tactic they use: every 14 days they uninstall all of the software from all of the computers, and reinstall it with a new trial. Every 14 days! At a professional operation! My friend hates working there.

It is not initially intuitive. I’ve covered this, but it bears repeating because it is a serious hurdle. Keep in mind, that with time, InDesign becomes more helpful than other software. Now when I use Word I find myself reaching for keyboard shortcuts automatically, and feeling bereft at the lack of my favorite tools. Nonetheless, expect a time commitment up front learning how to harness this glorious and confusing computer program.

It can run kinda slowly, depending on your computer. Up until two months ago, I had the world’s most precarious laptop. I bought it for $200 in 2015. It once took half an hour to restart. Inexplicably, when it got stressed, it would switch to Spanish. It was literally and figuratively falling apart. And yet, it ran InDesign. Granted, it worked slowly. If I asked it to process too many images at once it would panic (again with the Spanish), but for the most part, it worked. If you have a slow computer and are patient, then InDesign will probably work fine on your computer. If you are not willing to suffer, stick to Word.

You will also need Photoshop (sometimes). Part of what makes InDesign glorious is that it is professional software that is designed specifically to work with print and anything text-heavy. I love that about it. It even manages to do some handy things with images! But, inevitably, you will need to learn some Photoshop to punch up your graphics. I have, admittedly, only learned the bare minimum Photoshop in order to feed my InDesign addiction. It was a pain in the butt. For example, inexplicably, Adobe has not standardized keyboard shortcuts across the suite. As with InDesign, now that I’ve learned the tricks, I adore it. But you should go into this knowing that with Adobe, the fun never ends.

Printing signatures is the WORST. Adobe, please explain to me, in front of God and everyone, why the hell you would make this software specifically for laying out books etc. and not include a method of printing signatures?! I’m livid. This is absolutely where Word wins the day. It is almost worth using Word just to print the signatures so nicely and easily. I’m not kidding. Me—a person who has used InDesign professionally—almost wanted to switch software entirely just because of this. Hands down, InDesign’s biggest goof. Despite this crime against bookbinders everywhere, you have options. You can export your design to a PDF and literally print each signature separately (I am fucking livid) or you can complain enough to your friends that they offer to buy you a lovely program called BookletCreator for your birthday. It costs $20 bucks USD and it was worth every penny. However, Adobe, FOR THE AMOUNT THAT YOU CHARGE FOR YOUR PROGRAM, I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO PURCHASE ANY ADDITIONAL SOFTWARE IN ORDER TO PRINT MY BOOK. Did I mention that I am livid?!

But InDesign must be worth something, right?! Otherwise why would I be writing a long post encouraging people to use it? Let’s talk pros:

The horsepower on this baby will blow your mind. Forget what I just said about printing signatures; imagine using software that was literally made for this. You wanna do a thing? InDesign has got you. Are you a perfectionist? This software was designed by people as pedantic and obsessive as yourself. It gets you. Dream it, google how to do it, and InDesign will deliver. This is really the main reason to use InDesign; it is the professional standard for a reason.

There are so SO many resources available to help you learn. Almost everything I’ve learned about InDesign I learned from Google or YouTube. Honestly, if you have a question, I promise that other people have already asked and answered it. The advantage is that because this software is specifically for laying out books, there is lots of information available specifically about how to do what you want to do. (This may also be true for Word, but I’ll be honest, I only used Word for a book layout once, so I can’t say for certain either way.)

Once you figure it out, InDesign will give you back hours of your life. Things like master page spreads, clipping paths, tint, the eyedropper tool, and the one-hundred-percent adjustable text are just... lifesavers. My experience with Word is limited, so my frustration using it was probably due to my own ineptitude, but honestly, when putting together my thesis, the tears I cried trying to get page numbers to format correctly were some of the most bitter text-related tears I have ever shed. I can take care of the whole operation in InDesign in a matter of minutes. Hours. Of. My. Life. Saved.

This is an actual marketable skill. Ok, bear with me here. I have used InDesign for every single job I have had since I worked at the newspaper. That includes working as a bookkeeper and a kindergarten teacher. Hell, I even made my resume to get those jobs in InDesign. There is no job that I forsee in my future that doesn’t include some form of text-based design. Even when my work has absolutely nothing to do with layout (see: kindergarten teacher) I still found some way to use it. My previous boss was actually so thrilled about my InDesign skills that she had me run a 101 seminar for the other employees. (Did any of them end up using it? I suspect not. Did they look at me strangely for being so enthusiastic about design software? Absolutely.) I’ve even managed to use InDesign to branch out from freelance editing to take on design projects as well. In short: if you learn how to use InDesign, put in on your resume. You will be surprised at how much mileage you get out of it.

With Adobe, the fun never ends. I know I joked about it before, but really, I love seeing what this program has in store for me next. For example, thanks to bookbinding, I discovered that InDesign will do a lot of things that I had previously assumed were the domain of Word, such as spell check. I literally stumbled onto a measuring tool today that I wish existed irl to help me glue my covers together. Part of the beauty of this software being so intricate is that there is always something new you can do. I love learning how to harness a new feature, and then watch my design improve over time. Using this program you really get the feeling that the sky is the limit. Look, just the fact that I’ve now resorted to saccharine platitudes about computer software tells you that InDesign is remarkable. Considering that this program has made me suffer so significantly, I have either seen the face of God, or I have Stockholm syndrome. Take your pick.

TL;DR, at long last:

How complicated would you like to go? Either way, for bookbinding you’ve got to learn to use software in a new way.

Do you just want to get your book laid out reliably with little fuss? Word is for you! Are you interested in delving into the details? Do you have the patience of a saint? Try InDesign!

Both work. Both are good. But you can pry InDesign from my cold dead hands because I adore it.

[prometheanglory]

😳 vinh and flint pls, bonus if u add why xiangvinh and flintroza is problematic 🥴🥴🥴

idahahah of course 😳 cracking my fingers to practice the art of REACH ⚠️ satire as always. under the cut because this got. admittedly beefy.

🕯vinh is a poor portrayal of kidnapping victims and presents a heavily romanticized depiction of a situation which often traumatizes its victims, and instead implies that there is such a thing as a good kidnapper.

🕯she is clearly a victim of stockholm syndrome, however she is never properly counciled and treated for it. to allow vinh to continue seeing ithas in a positive light is only excusing the behaviors of kidnappers and making light of a very serious crime and an even more serious trauma that very few people ever properly address.

🕯in fact, she is even shown to feel some manner of guilt — is this a truly realistic depiction of a kidnapping survivor? following the set standards of an institution that has CLEARLY no flaws despite being proven time and time again that they are failures in all manners of functioning and handling situations with victims of a possibly traumatic event, this is clearly a case of a woman who cannot think for herself and a writer who is too intent on justifying the actions of a man.

⚖️ flint is an idealized image of the military — especially of drill sergeants, defined by his strict and straightforward (and often times brutal) personality. the indoctrination of youths are nothing to joke about or to romanticize even within the realm of fiction and the lack of awareness present within how flint could be interpreted is careless and actively harmful. to further sell the point of this carelessness, flint being shown as a near-perfect student, well-adjusted and responsible yet showing little to no personality outside of his serious demeanor?

⚖️ it only affirms the stereotypes of the robotic youth, made to fit the ideals of society without defying any expectations. this is a toxic image to present to young viewers and possibly even older viewers. it implies that those who are not similar to flint are inherently failures, or that they are falling very far behind.

⚖️ to elaborate more on this set image of perfection however, it also coincides with cold-war era propaganda of the soviets, portraying them as heartless and mindless people who only follow their leader’s command unlike the free-thinking americans with their democracy. flint is described as having originally come from a rather frigid region of the land of pyroxene, a location that could certainly be interpreted as culturally similar to various Slavic nations. do you really want to support a character that is running off of dehumanizing war propaganda?

🕯🏹 xiangvinh is problematic for a GREAT DEAL of reasons and to enjoy it in any manner of ways is a clear sign of a decay of morals. for starters, there is that monstrous age gap between the two — and while xiang may be a legal adult, vinh should know better than to prey on young men as a woman who is well over 300 years old. it is irresponsible and predatory and it trivializes the experiences of men who are targeted by ‘cougars’. moreover, it is very clear that this is not a relationship of mutual and healthy pining and respect; it is an incredibly toxic one. vinh is objectified and treated as a commodity instead of as anything even remotely close to a girlfriend. xiang is regarded as someone to serve rather than an individual of equal standing. there is a very clear power dynamic here that plays on age-old sexist ideas of what a woman and a man’s relationship should be, implying that a woman’s place is in subservience and a man’s is in exploition.

🌹⚖ flintroza is another example of a sexist and patriarchal view on what a romantic relationship should be. roza is depicted as a naive and curious girl whereas flint is the serious and experienced man; the two are in a relationship that plays heavily into the perceived power dynamics between a man and a woman, in which the man must teach the woman and the woman is there to receive the man’s lessons. the woman is to be childlike and demure, while the man is cold and stoic; the woman is kind and warm, the man is unyielding and blunt, etc... it should also be mentioned that while roza is a 17 year old, flint is one whole year older than her and that is a disgusting age gap that should not exist within fiction nor reality; it is predatory behavior to even consider a 17 year old as mentally mature as an 18 year old.

[give-me-back-my-rhodey]

Law vs Morals - AUgust Day 19

Title: Law vs Morals

Author: Purple_ducky00

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Violence, slight mentions of period homophobia, major character death (of old age)

Pair: Pepper/Tony, eventual Pepper/Rhodey/Tony

Link: Read on AO3

Summary:  Police Chief James Rhodes is adamant on taking down the Stark mob. When he gets kidnapped by the Starks, he starts to see all they do. Can there be some gray in the world of black and white?

Written for @endrega23  I hope you enjoy it!

+++++++++

The Stark family has ruled New York City for the better part of the 1800s, growing stronger as each successor took their place as the head. Howard followed Montgomery, strengthening their hold by marrying Maria Carbonell and taking over the Carbonell family business as well. Anthony, or Tony, now sits on the seat. Rumors of his cunning and ruthlessness precede him. No one steps onto his territory without him knowing. Anyone who tries to go against his rule is taken care of immediately.

 The problem with this is, no one can pin anything on Stark. Any mobster caught is more afraid of their boss than the police and will not say a word. Police Chief Rhodes devotes his life to taking down the Stark family. The only problem is that most of his cops have been bought by the mobster. It’s up to him alone to find evidence on the man.

Stark himself is a bit of a recluse. He doesn’t go out much, and when he does, he goes big. All eyes are on him, and everyone knows where he is and what he’s doing. It’s very hard to accuse him of any wrongdoing when the public loves him. Rhodes has met him several times. Stark greets him happily, even giving him the nickname of ‘Rhodey’. Rhodes can admit that if he did not know that Stark was a criminal, they’d probably be good friends.

 Rhodes once got a tip-off telling him to keep an eye out for Stark’s wife. A high-society woman, Mrs. Stark is seen at all the social events wearing the latest gowns in fashion.  Graceful and beautiful, she is always the star of the show. Rhodes often wonders if she knows her husband deals in criminal affairs. Rhodes tails her for a few days, but nothing she does seems out of the ordinary. He finally gives up and goes back to his normal routine.

 Another tip-off leads him to bring down Tiberius Stone, Stark’s competitor. Stone himself cannot tie Stark to anything either, but he feeds Rhodes with a lot of rumors and information. “Potts, well Mrs. Stark now, is not as genteel as she seems. She is deadly, officer, deadly. She runs more of the operation than Stark himself. They say that he told everyone who works for him that whatever she says goes. She’s the real kingpin here.” He also rattles off places that he assumes Stark uses as fronts for his real business.

 Chief Rhodes goes by foot as there are no available carriages and he’d prefer to be inconspicuous. Taking it upon himself to search the buildings, Rhodes stumbles across a dead body, brutally beaten and mangled. He’s  ready to call it in when something hits the back of his head, and he falls, unconscious.

 He wakes up in a nicely furnished room, handcuffed to the headboard of a bed. Struggling to get free, he doesn’t notice the person sitting next to him until they clear their throat. Rhodes yells. “Let me go, you bastard!” Until he realizes that the person sitting next to him is a woman, that woman being Mrs. Stark. “Pardon my language, ma’am.”

 The woman frowns down at him. “Don’t patronize me,” She says. “I wanted to kill you immediately. You had better be thankful that my husband likes you. Now that you’re awake, I’ll get him.” She pushes down a button and calls. “Send Mr. Stark to the hold, please.”

 A few minutes later, Stark rushes in the door. “Rhodey!” He smiles, face beaming. “It’s so nice to see you again!”

 Mrs. Stark rolls her eyes, muttering, and Rhodes pulls against his cuffs. “What do you want from me? Why am I here?”

 “I don’t really want you to be here, but it was either keep you here or kill you, and I don’t want to see you killed.” Stark’s eyes get sad.

 “Don’t go playing the victim here, Stark.” He growls. “Everyone knows you’re a criminal. I am going to get out of here and take you down.”

 “Tony, I told you he’s not going to cooperate,” Mrs. Stark sighs.

 Tony holds out his hand to her. “Pepper, I don’t want to kill him, please.”

 This comes off weird to Rhodes. Tony Stark, the invincible head of the Stark gang, is pleading to his wife to spare the life of the only cop who’s been trying to bring him down for the past decade? What is going on here? He watches as the couple share a conversation with their eyes. Mrs. Stark sighs again and shrugs. Tony turns back to Rhodes. “I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to stay here. Collateral damage and all – I’m sure you understand. Please know that you may ask for whatever you want, and it shall be given to you. You’ll be treated like a special guest. But you'll have a guard with you at all times so that you can’t escape.”

 “Why don’t you just kill me?” Rhodes sinks back on the bed.

 Tony sits beside him. “Because, Rhodey, I like you. And I never want to see you dead.”

 “What are you going to do if my men start looking for me?”

 “Rhodey, be serious. First off, I have all your men on my payroll. Secondly, did you tell anyone where you were going?” Stark tilts his head. Rhodes has to admit that he has a point.

 The Starks assign two guards to Rhodes, a thin teenager who is exceptionally strong and a stony faced man with a prosthetic arm. The teenager likes to talk. He tells Rhodes how Mr. Stark saved him and his aunt from being thrown out on the street because they couldn’t pay rent. He goes on about his friends, his boyfriends, and the food he had for breakfast until the other guard, Barnes, asks him to shut it.

 “What about you?” Rhodes asks snidely. “Did Mr. Stark save your life as well?”

 “No, but he saved my wife's. I was already working for him when she was caught by the police. She smuggled her way over here from Russia, and they didn’t like that very much. Mr. Stark paid them off before they did anything vile to her. I am forever grateful for that.”

 What is this, the time for sob stories? Rhodes scoffs. It wouldn’t surprise him that Stark would pay them to tell him these things. For some reason, Stark always wanted to be on his good side. Maybe he wants to win Rhodes over, too. It won’t happen.

 The Starks find out not too long after that Pepper is pregnant. Tony removes her from any field work until she comes to term. He doesn’t want her, or his unborn child injured in any way.  The redhead works behind the scenes a lot more now.  As Stark is very busy, she spends a lot of time sitting with Rhodes. They play chess and checkers while Pepper puts her feet up. She usually wins, but there are a few times Rhodes is able to eek in a victory.

 As he resides at the Stark mansion, he starts to notice things. Tony spends most of his time in his workshop, either developing new weapons for his men, or more often than not, manufacturing things to help people in their daily lives. He overhears one of Stark’s men asking what to do with the Keener family. “She’s late on her payments once again, sir.”

 “It’s not her fault they won’t hire a single mother. Let her live there for free. It’s not costing me anything. Besides, Harley comes here a lot of times after school. I appreciate his help. Leave them alone and work over the rich assholes who won’t pay their workers,” Tony replies.

 Pepper funds many orphanages and homes for the poor. Between the two of them, the Starks are building a respectable neighborhood around them, something they wouldn’t have been able to do without their drug and crime money.

 One day, when Tony comes in from a stroll, Rhodes mentions this to him. Tony smiles. “Now you’re getting it. Tell me, Rhodey, which is better? Me, robbing the extremely wealthy of the funds they’ll never use to help build up the city or having men in power who only strive for their own greatness? Who hire police officers who will imprison the misfortunate because they have no home and take advantage of the unarmed women? I hope you realize that just because something is legal, it’s not always moral. And vice versus.”

“Is that how you sleep at night?” Rhodes scoffs.

 Tony sighs. “No, how I sleep at night is with my darling wife in a very comfortable bed. You’d be welcome to join if you’d like.”

 Rhodes is taken aback. Stark just said that so… casually. Doesn’t he know he could get killed for that kind of comment? Homosexuality is a taboo, and those who have those feelings didn’t dare speak in public about it. Rhodes knows; he is one of those persons. In any other case, he would have brushed it off as a joke, but… he can’t stop thinking about it. He’s not sure if it’s Stockholm Syndrome or not, but his feelings towards Mr. and Mrs. Stark have definitely changed.

 Thinking of them as friends and not enemies, he often seeks out their company now. Pepper and he have long conversations about art, strategies, and even fashion. He accompanies Tony to his workshop every now and again. He learns about simple mechanics and the newest technologies. They have settled into a very easy camaraderie.

 Now, Tony makes that comment. Rhodes can’t deny that he finds both husband and wife very attractive. He decides, after a long night of debate, to leave the comment as it was said and not think of it again until…

 One night, he knocks on Pepper’s parlor door for their usually book reading. Like most times, she doesn’t answer. He slips in the door only to find her and Tony getting it on. They don’t pull away when they see him, and he backs up, stammering. “I-I’m sorry. I’ll just come back later.”

“Join us?” Pepper asks, head thrown back in pleasure.

 They must have been serious. Rhodes thinks. “Are you sure?”

 “Would we have asked were we not sure?” Tony queries. “We want you here, Rhodey, but we understand if you would prefer to leave.”

 “No, I will stay.”

 ++++++++ When little Morgan is born seven months later, Pepper introduces her to both of her fathers. Rhodey becomes part of the business. When Pepper stays in the background tending to Morgan, he takes control of the next moves. He and Pepper band together when Tony takes care of the baby, which is more often than not. She has him wrapped around her finger.

 Rhodey loves Morgan. She’s not his child by blood, but she’s his child. No one dares to tell him or her otherwise. He teaches her how to defend herself at a very young age. It is not a secret that she will be even more powerful than her predecessors.

 The trio stick together as laws change, as Morgan grows, as they grow old. Pepper is the first to pass, falling sick with the flu. Rhodey is next at the age of eighty-five. Tony passes not long after, handing the reins of the business to his daughter. Although she grows more powerful than her parents, tales are still told about the trio that ran New York.

[sincerelybillie]

don’t reach out to people who harmed you, even if it’s the holidays

This is advice I probably wouldn’t have taken this time last year, but it’s a lesson I keep having to learn because I continued to put myself in positions for disappointment and more harm because I felt guilty for being harsh enough to pick my emotional and physical safety and self respect over them.

When it comes to my friends and family, I remember the little things about them and their passions, niche interests, and inside jokes. When birthdays or holidays come around, I pride myself on having the right words written in a card or perfect present.

Even with people with whom I ended on bad terms, I still end up remembering birthdays or other significant dates where I would usually be around or reach out. In most cases, I ended the relationship. If someone broke ties with me, I don’t reach back out, or rarely ever have a reason to. Seeking closure is futile and unnecessary, and you rarely re-enter a space with that person feeling better than you did when you just weren’t in communication anymore.

For me to be driven to the point to really sever ties with someone, they have to have done something really morally or legally wrong. My tolerance has gotten lower, so I endure negativity less, which means I have the self esteem to recognize when I am being mistreated.

Thankfully, it’s not a decision I have had to make often over the duration of my entire life, but unfortunately, it is one that I have made repeatedly over the past few years. This is because I am now processing these actions and moments as an adult with an understanding of the abuse/trauma I have endured and accumulated. It took longer than I would have liked and I carry a lot more pain in my heart for it, but I did realize I I deserve immensely better.

Actually doing something with this information and realization can be scary when you have the language for it, and also accept what happened to you as a fact, because you might be alone in your decision to cut ties, might be pressured to reconcile/patch up, maybe your feelings and evidence for making this difficult decision are invalidated and gaslit by both the abuser and their friend group or family members. It is difficult and uncomfortable and isolating to decide you don’t want to deal with someone who is bad for you anymore.

For a long time, I followed a pattern of setting aside my trauma, anger, and pain because it was someone’s birthday, the holiday season, a new year, some family occasion, or other “important” event. But no event is important enough for me to sideline my self worth and mental health because it would make everyone else more comfortable within a shared network that I not think so-and-so is an abusive piece of shit anymore. If I got over it. If I appeased people’s discomfort with having to be held accountable, or holding someone in their network/friend group/family accountable for how they treated me, someone who everyone in this circle also claims to care about.

You can’t care about me and the abuser at the same time. I am not putting people in positions of having to pick sides, don’t worry if you ever have to be given that unbearable burden. I’ll make it very simple. You don’t have to pick sides.

Because you are literally either an advocate and supporter of crimes, injustice, and evil, or like me, you don’t tolerate it either. Passively or directly, the relationship doesn’t matter. Complacency with abuse is an issue because you’re deciding it’s not worth you getting upset about, which means you don’t care about the harm done to me. So you already made where you stand clear. Being polite, civil, hanging out less, maintaining social distance? That’s also just a half ass attempt at not fully committing to what you think of either person.

I shouldn’t be the only one making tough decisions, because part of what makes those decisions tough is how many people will still want you to suck it up. Some won’t believe you. Some won’t care either way.

I had my eyes opened up so painfully wide and often this past year. I made a couple of poor decisions in who I was friends with. I tolerated family members because cultural norms demand I keep my mouth shut, not be sensitive, and be respectful towards people who threatened to kill me and got very close to doing so.

I have to stand my ground. And if my situation sounds like yours, you have to make the moves that will save your life and stand your ground, too. Yes, it’s the holidays, but you are under no obligation to grin and bear it. You don’t grin and bear it through your life, especially not what is supposed to be a happy, warm time and end to a year.

I was given a soft plead to “patch up” with someone in my family, and I had to stifle the misguided guilt I initially felt for “causing drama” by deliberately opting out of scenarios where I would have to interact with them much less so interact in praise or respect of them.

I made my position clear. “Do not ask me to do that. Do not expect that of me. That person means nothing to me, and just because we share DNA, that doesn’t mean I have to do anything in regards to them.” I do not wish that person ill will, I do not seek any sort of revenge, and have not hurt them in any way. I cut ties and communication, for myself. I will be not vilified for that when the actual villain won’t even be vilified for actual bad things they did.

It was only uncomfortable to say this and clarify this to people because of the pushback I received from them, people who don’t empathize with me or think my feelings or safety is as important as this outward image that I have a thriving friend group and perfect family, with no infighting, drama, or dark secrets whatsoever.

One keeps me alive, the other is a lie. What I choose to uphold also tells me what I think I deserve and how valuable I consider my own safety and sanity. And granted, it is not any easier or safer to disconnect sometimes because cultural and situational consequences can often be worse than just silently taking the disrespect, mistreatment and abuse.

But I’m almost 25, and it’s gone on too long. I don’t want the feeling of being respected within my basic human rights to ever become foreign or new or refreshing because I suffered for so long, and then chose to lay low and suffer some more when there was an inkling of risky hope to get the hell out. I don’t want to normalize this for myself. I don’t want to believe this is the way it is and will always be.

I don’t want other abused people to tell me I shouldn’t complain because they had it worse or developed some Stockholm’s Syndrome like relationship to their abuser or to other new, abusive people who treat them terribly as well. I don’t want to hear about how pathetically sensitive, theatrical, and self-victimizing I am just because I decided I don’t want to be screamed at, threatened to be killed, harassed, judged, and have shit be broken around me or thrown at me. I don’t want to be asked “When was the last time I hit you?” Or “When was the last time the cops needed to be called?”, as if the time lapse from one violent event to another being wider is called improvement, when it should not be happening at all.

I have higher standards for humanity, for the humans I surround myself with, and for the human I want to be. I’m obviously not perfect, but I don’t deserve violence, disrespect, or abuse. No one gets to inflict that on anyone. No one deserves that.

I don’t give a shit about an evil person’s birthday, if they have a merry Christmas, or a happy new year. I won’t be at these peoples’ weddings, I won’t be impressed by anything they become or accomplish. I won’t have their cell phone numbers, emails, addresses, and eventually, I’ll forget their birthdays or their faces. If they somehow become parents, which scares me for those children, I won’t have any connection to the partners or to kids, unless it is to warn them. If I don’t seek legal action, I can at the very least just do what keeps me safe, happy, and healthy, surround myself with and build myself a community that takes care of each other.

I’ll remember how much strength it took to protect and defend myself, to pick myself, to celebrate myself, and to rebuild myself, and how alone I was in so much of this journey. I will not be guilt tripped, shamed, undermined, or sucked back in. I will be thankful for the people who stood by me, found me and picked me to be in their circle of love and trust, and stay there today. I will celebrate the big days with them. They deserve my energy and attention in the best possible, most positive way.

This is who I want to be and how I want to run things.

[justsomelarryfics]

hello lovely, any Dom Louis sub harry fics?

Dom Louis/ Sub Harry

Sorted by length

(Note: I mostly did fics with plot. If you would like mainly pwp, please message me again)

Everyone needs someone who can handle their darker sides - In a world where the government dictates who you’ll spend the rest of your life with—Doms are matched by the age of 30, and subs are matched by the age of 18. Or Where One Direction consists of soft, unmatched Dom Niall, sweet Dom Liam, and strict Dom Louis and his sub, Harry. (one shot, 2k, rec whole series)

Perfect - Where Harry is Louis’ submissive and a paraplegic, but they still make things work. (one shot, 2k)

All Your Dreams are on Your Way - It was all becoming too much for Harry. The emotions, the frustration, the exhaustion. Or, the one where Harry just needs Louis to know what he needs. In this case, it’s punishment. (one shot, 5k)

Nothin’ Dirty ‘Bout It - Louis is up to something. He has been for a while now, really. It’s like he’s being careful with Harry, which he hasn’t been in a long time. He puts care into everything they do, of course, but somehow it’s different. He hasn’t been pushing Harry’s limits with anything lately. Harry hasn’t been reduced to tears in weeks, which he hadn’t previously realized was such a common occurrence (or that he needed it so much). It’s making him antsy. Or, Louis buys Harry a collar (one shot, 7k)

Something Unpredictable - Harry peers inside the gift bag, but all he sees is stuffing paper, the room too dark to see anything else. After turning on the lamp at the corner of his desk, Harry takes out the stuffing paper, then feels around for what’s inside. What he comes back with surprises him so much that he nearly drops it, clapping his hand over his mouth after a small sound comes out. Office AU where Harry plans a Secret Santa Christmas Party for his office floor. What he hadn’t planned on, was some certain gifts that make him blush like crazy. Also featuring Mr. Tomlinson, The Boss Man; Zayn, Louis’ best friend and company co-owner; Niall, Harry’s cheeky mate; and Liam, the oblivious sweetheart. (one shot, 19k, not really dom/sub until the end)

Even If It’s Just Tonight - By turning the suitcase around, Harry at least found out the name of the sex toy loving stranger. Louis Tomlinsonltomlinson@hotmail.com ORLouis and Harry happen to switch their suitcases in the airport’s bathroom and it’s possibly the best mistake Harry has ever made. (chaptered, complete, 26k)

Haven** - “I take it you’re not a new student?”“What?” Harry mumbles, caught up in the way his eyes are quite literally sparkling in the light. “Oh—No. Not a student.”“Are you a sub?” Louis asks.Harry clenches his hands into fists, holding them behind his back as he stumbles a bit. “I don’t, uh—I mean. I’ve never really gotten a chance to be a true sub, you know? My ex-partners were always scared they’d hurt me. But, like—If I trusted someone a lot, and if we used a, a safeword. And talked about, you know, boundaries, then—Yes, yeah, I-I’m a sub.”Louis’ eyes are so wide, his cheeks puffing out in the effort to not burst into laughter.“Oh shit, oh my god,” Harry whispers. “You meant—Oh god.” (one shot, 35k)

Reduce Me To A Pleading Cry (Break The Skin and Tantalize) - As the CEO of Styles & Styles, Harry Styles cuts a brooding and handsome figure at the helm of a very successful business. His reputation for intensity is well known, but you would be intense, too, if you had to work numbers all day, give countless orders, and conduct endless meetings. When all you really want to do at night–ache to do–is give away the reins, let someone else make the decisions, be ordered around for once, just–let go. Harry has reached his breaking point when one touch from a man whose very stance commands attention leads him back to a place he thought he’d never return. Or Harry is a broody submissive boss, Louis is a natural dom who works in the mail room at Styles & Styles, Niall is a matchmaking oracle, and a slender, dark haired man stands mute at the coffee stand encouraging others to spill their secrets. (one shot, 37k, first in series)

Wrap Your Arms Around Me Till Your Knuckles Are Burning White - In a world where human trafficking is legal, 19 year old Harry Styles surrenders his freedom to the Cooperative Affiliation of Human Exchange, aka CAHE. One week later, 25 year old Louis Tomlinson of Tomlinson Enterprises, attends ‘The Auction.’ Let the bidding begin. or au where Louis’ in a bidding war against Simon Cowell and ends up winning the best prize of all. (one shot, 58k)

Loving You Is Free** - Louis is a workaholic record label CEO who hasn’t been on a date in nearly a year. Niall and Liam make an account for him on a sugar dating website as a joke. And then Louis meets Harry. (chaptered, complete, 67k, first in series)

Like an Endless Summer** - “You just wanna go fawn over Styles as soon as possible,” Zayn grumbles. “I do not. Plus, he probably got ugly this year. Eighteen is an awkward time…I bet he’s got acne and one of those terrible fuckboy haircuts all the hipsters are getting these days, with the shaved sides? Just watch, the first year we’re gonna get any time together is gonna be the first year I don’t have a stupid crush on him.” — Or, Louis is a riding instructor at a summer camp, and Harry is a fellow counselor who he’s been successfully managing his crush on for the last two summers. That is, until Harry shows up this year leveled up and lethal, and all Louis’s formerly perfected veneer of nonchalance melts like a popsicle in the sun. (chaptered, complete, 87k, mostly fluff and pining but there is some dom/sub and I had to include it bc it’s one of my all time favs, also has a kinky sequel)

Satyriasis - Satyriasis (/,satɪˈrʌɪəsɪs/): Excessive, often uncontrollable sexual desire and behavior by a man. Harry Styles, a seventeen year-old boy, is used to be humiliated by his boyfriend for having peculiar tastes. These include being highly feminine and loving wearing panties. Louis Tomlinson, an experienced sexologist, is determined to treat what Harry was taught to consider a problem, which soon becomes a virtue for both of them. OR The story where Harry is a hypersexual teenager who has an appointment with one of the most prestigious sexologists to help him with his problem. (chaptered, incomplete, 112k, also on wattpad)

Monopolize Me** - Harry thought he could spend his simple life as a cow farmer, but Desmond had other plans.  When Desmond uses blackmail, for reasons unbeknownst to Harry, he finds himself lost in the giant city of New York as next in line to run his father’s company… At least until he meets Louis.Louis’ sole purpose in life has been to make his business succeed.  Harry doesn’t think that’s an issue until he finds out Louis is CEO of a company much larger than Harry could ever imagine.Louis struggles to balance his filthy business ways with an honest relationship with Harry while pushing his company to be the global leader. Between publicly humiliating Harry as his competitor during the day and dominating Harry as his lover behind closed doors; he might just monopolize Harry in the process.Harry has to leave more than just past behind if he ever hopes to please both his father and Louis.  Finding himself in a forbidden love with extreme tastes pays out better than staying lost in New York.BDSM: Bondage/Discipline * Dominance/Submission * Sadism/MasochismAU blend where stockbrokers on Wall Street and CEO’s in the tech industry are basically the same thing. (on wattpad!! 54 parts, incomplete)

Stockholm Syndrome - “I like you like that.” The voice was husky but bore a slightly high pitch. Harry jerked as fingers threaded into his hair. “So soft, ” the voice purred as Harry’s breathing spiked and his chest rose up and down quickly from the onslaught of adrenaline whizzing around his veins and his nipples peaked of their own accord at the tactility of his captor. Harry realised his headscarf was no longer wrapped around his head taming his curls. In fact, he began to consider that it was in fact the same material as being used to bind his eyes closed. He briefly wondered why the stranger hadn’t gagged him but it was so remote out here even if Harry screamed his lungs out he had no hope of being heard. And because he didn’t yet know if this person- this man by the sounds of things- was intending to hurt him or not, he figured shouting around and trying to break free were not his priority options. He had to find out more, if he could. He had to find out who this was and more importantly, what they wanted. (locked, chaptered, complete, 208k, honestly entirely smut)