#also cause ive been tired lately
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guys i love DCA they are my wives did you know that
#pingyappathon#no art for a bit ive been busy working#literally back to back close to open shift#also cause ive been tired lately#dca fandom#fnaf daycare attendant
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I have to figure out a way of getting more interest in my oc stuff without needing to draw as much because I dont have the time or energy to draw as much as I would like, which includes a lot of concepts and/or scenes that are in my head only but can't commit to drawing, but it feels like most people are only interested in visual stuff as opposed to just written stuff (and for good reason, visuals are flashy and all!) It just makes me a little sad that I cant draw and share everything Id like to show, and what I can do most is talk about it, but that barely ever gets responses unfortunately
#in general though its hard to keep an online presence recently im so tired from everything all i wanna do is play videogame or watch youtube#and I dont have that much time to even think abt ocs cause of irl stuff ^^; case in point- ive been struggling with CD a LOT#for many reasons. so i have been focusing on HR instead bc oughgh i love it sm. but even so I have trouble finding time to just#THINK about it?? its so wack. like just thinking abt it takes time!!#thunderclap#idk man kjdffdk this is so weird i dont like being in this weird transitory period of my life i want this to be done#a lot of the ppl i spent time with online are also incredibly offline lately as well so i dont have as much of a reason to be online myself#everyones busy everything changes. very strange feeling
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Lazy sex has always been very appealing to me. Having it be more about being able and wanting to touch each other than an urge or desire to chase pleasure. It's not slow as a way to tease each other, but because you're able to relax and enjoy sexual pleasure in someone else's presence. It's absentmindedly running your hands over your partners body in the morning when you both stay in bed.
#its about being content#i think im just mainly thinking about this cause ive been so tired lately#but its also just a different way to experience intimacy#nsft#nonbinary nsft#lgbt nsft#wlw nsft#sapphic nsft#queer nsft#zinny writes#nsft writing#nsft tumblr#ns/fw
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"It's You!"
"Dispite everything, it's still You."
#i love her#jessica winterwolf#shes my little gal. my little scrimblo#i dont like the first one mostly cause i just dont have experience on how to draw people without bangs#talk talks#art#oc ranch dip#as always read the alt tags - this time there isnt any ex info cause im tired but it is a description#ive been on tiktok more lately and wanted to draw something i could post on both platforms#i also think a few things got lost when i combined layers#mostly the hair shading is gone which is. oh well honestly
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New Employee aquired today
My manager: Hey Grace maybe you can show NE some things, but don't overwhelm her
Me:
Me: so like. make sure it's not a repeat of my first day???
#like maam ive worked here for barely a month you know this#and my first ever shift was 8 hours and CLOSING#i did a lil bit of everything my first day why do you think im so adaptable to what you need now???#anyways i had NE help shred chicken cause we needed more and then i couldnt even use it bc we were out of the salad kit 🙃#today twas a long day#i was supposed to do subs but literally worked on salads all day cause we were so short staffed#a coworker who YESTERDAY asked for a shift today never showed up. our manager had to open and was barely through salads when i got there#(3 hours after open)#me and manager tackled customer service and did as many tasks as we could (specifically distress and make salads)#(i learned how to do temps)#morning cook stayed late WITHOUT TAKING A BREAK to bring back some stuff we needed#closing cook got sick and left when me and NE did leaving i assume 2 store managers (maybe just 1) and one coworker to close#we so short staffed they had a job fair JUST FOR OUR DEPARTMENT.#anywho#ive also been up technically since 1-2am. i got extra 1 hour between then and 5:30am before i had to get up. i went to bed at 9pm#so. ive been tired all day but since i dont have work tomorrow im gonna stay up late and chill#amber's shit you can ignore
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people really love to conveniently forget trans men exist when they talk about feminism. or if they dont they make us out as also part of the problem as if we somehow are able to have the same amount of privilege as cis men. absolutely wild
#“not all men” is a valid statement because its fucking true#like guys. seriously. not every single man is evil#feminism isnt about putting men down its about raising women up to be equal and getting rid of gender inequality#sorry im seeing a massive uptick in people hating on trans men for being men lately and its fucking stupid#like yall are doing a great job at making me feel ashamed to be a man who likes men. awesome thanks guys#i dont normally make posts like this but its been rattling around in my mind for a few days now#its always put out like. all men (trans or not) are Inherently Evil and all women (trans or not) are Inherently Victims#which is absolutely the stupidest shit ive ever seen#and they also leave out anyone who doesnt fit into the man/woman dichotomy. and if they dont its always seen as woman lite#which is also stupid as fuck#not every nb/agender/other person is feminine asshole#anways. case in point. can we stop demonizing masculinity while also discussing the effects of misogyny and the patriarchy please.#because both of those things are very real and very much do hurt people#but im sick of people lashing out at trans men as if the problem magically doesn't affect us anymore because we are men#because guess what! newsflash! it affects trans AND cis men too!!#i shouldnt have to explain it should be obvious but like. im tired man#sorry ill forever be annoyed at women who just hate every single man who dares breathe in their direction because they COULD be an asshole#if you hate someone because of their gender no matter what gender it is i Do Not Trust You#anyways thanks for coming to my ted talk. replies are off cause i dont want to argue with people i just want to express my opinion
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Cue the pink!
#my gram taught me that there are 3 kinds of people in your life: leaves branches and roots#leaves fly away every season despite the energy the tree gives to them#branch people are hardy and they stick around for a while but one bad storm or one bad cut they fall off#root people nourish and help keep the tree alive and even if the tree gets cut in half they stay until the bitter end#there's nothing wrong with any of these categories we're all someones leaf someone's branch or someone's root#the problem though lies in the fact we don't let nature run its course#when the leaves want to leave let them go#when the branches can't wither the storm let them go#when the roots raise you up let them raise you up and shield them in return#i had a friend i haven't spoken to in years ask me why i got rid of most of my socials and isolated from people irl and online#there's a lot of reasons but it dawned on me that it was because i got so damn tired of chasing leaf people#and fortifying branch people only for them to break off when i (the tree) needed help#and i had to take a long hard look and prune everything#now its a matter of narrowing down my roots and being present with them#i think too thats why im not giving as much of a fuck either in fandom spaces or other spots irl or online cause im tired of the chase#ive been tired of leaves and branches taking me for granted#mostly vent post but i guess im sharing this cause i hope my grams words help ya out in some way today#also one of my familys oldest horses died today and her and gram were close#poor gal just turned 31 i was a baby when she was a baby#got me thinking about my late gram and the recent convo i had with my peep#anyway cue the pink!#magenta is my vent word
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im thinking again
#ive been dealt the bad hand; the worse hand; the hand from the arm from the body#im just.....okay#Well aaaa its weird#nothing anyone says to me is to *me*#which is fair-- no one knows me. but i do wish i got it. i dont know#the passing of time is still my worst enemy#i love everyone so much. itssssssweird.#if youre following these posts and saw the last one: i think i am still gonna die soon. awwh man. i dunno#but i have no reason to go on truthfully and i dont feel like finding one#im tired and sad OK?#i do want an acknowledgement again#and if you're following these posts im going to do the same thing i did last time and talk to the three tumblr blogs:#1. hi. i really like you. i admit it. j think youre really cool and all. uh okay im supposed to ask a question so here; how are you? well i#hope. k dont know. i havent been reading up like i should be and as for the second blog im talking to here i also havent been reading up lik#e i should im very sorry. i will make that journal again though.#and third blog: hi!! i still have no clue how to do that one thing but youve really gotten me into the hypothetical idea of differences base#f off of like ...area. the thing you said about that one thing.! i javwnt been doing much about it but thinkin but you know thinkin is fun.#i do want to do reading on it but ive been very sad lately and i cannot be bothered#this is really fun talking to people like this. um#youre very cool blog one ive been becoming a big fan of you again#blog two.if you see this: i want you-- I'm sayin that to specify that I'm talking to you. but i dont. anyway: uh. oh no i forgot what i was#gonna say#okay here's to not talking to anyone particular:#i want to do drugs. its the only way ill be able to handle all this.but i... oh hey i have melatonin!!#hmmmmmm#idk#it just puts me to sleep and i hate sleeping cause im always having bad dreams-- both nightmares and just dreams that Suck-- but...... im#desperate.#okay im gonna take a normal dose and just keep it together i hope#I hate sleeping
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Think I had a breakthrough with something tonight. No I will not elaborate.
#Buuuut I wanna mention it just because it's a good thing#Just something a bit personal however I wanna celebrate that breakthrough somehow#I was going to go in to class today but my hair is a matted mess from not brushing it for a week (Brushing my hair is tiring lately.)#So I may deal with that and make myself some brownies in the morning#Then email my teacher and let him know why I'm not there when I said I'd try to be there#I need to be there at LEAST once this week. At LEAST. Preferably twice.#We're starting our drone flying and I wanna do the water drone#Merkerler speaks#(I should also mention the hair thing is not a depression thing. It just LOOKS like depression.#It's other things masking as that. But I don't even slightly suspect that I'm depressed.#I bring up no red flags on any clinical screenings I've taken at the doctor.#I'm just chronically sick and something flaring up and that + my ADHD means#Little motivation + doing things hurts or is tiring#which could cause depression. But it isn't Ive been depressed before & I know depression and it isn't that. Promise.#and I'm explaining that cuz I've gotten more comments about it lately and I want to be clear about it#bc I don't want anyone worrying about that#Maybe pray over the sickness that's actually there lol)
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Love that my father doesn't remember I exist until he needs something from me.
#Eli Speaks#im more than happy to help him out#but ya know#it would be nice to feel appreciated and have that care reciprocated#but nope gotta take care of shit by myself#when im still not in the greatest place mentally#im better than a few months ago#but the amount of stress and anxiety he has been causing me lately is unreal#i had a *horrible* anxiety nightmare last night#worst ive had in a long time#and guess who made me cry a couple days ago from stress#i just dont know what to do with myself anymore#im tired and angry#and im p sure this stress and anxiety has triggered my vertigo again so thats also fun
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i wish youtbe had a blacklist function, like this site does, or even an extension, where i can add certain key words and automatically hide videos featuring certain topics, either because i'm not interested, or they're genuinely upsetting, or it's specifically a person the site keeps recommending me. Like, i just looked through firefx's extentions, and i couldn't find anything quite like what i'm looking for? you'd think that'd be an accessibility feature a lot more people would be willing to use.
#espy talks#i'm seeing thanksgving recepie videos and it's making me sad#and also a lot of people are collabing with a guy i unsubbed from years ago cause he's an annoying asshole and i'm sick of seeing his face#i'm tired and sad and frustrated and right now it's hard to handle#it's been getting really hard to get to sleep nowadays even with sleepaid#cause ive been getting really anxious and sad late at night#but i still get woken up the same time every morning by the dogs cause they start barkign and won't stop#so i wake up extra tired and mad at the dogs#and then i look at the dishes i couldn't make myself wash the night before and i'm exhausted#i got most of em done tonight and i did a lot of stuff today#so i'll probably be fine tomorrow#but it's hard to imagine i'll be ok tomorrow when i'm not ok right now#all because a 1 year old binging with bobbish turkey video showed up in my feed
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WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE ITS 8 ITS 20 TO 10 I NEED TO GO TO SLEEP HELP BYE
#dont worry#just tired#sleeeepppyyyy#wondered why then looked at the clock and realised#also ive been up since 5 cause taylor swift made me do it#but it feels like 8?!?!#I suppose I did have tea like an hour late#im rambling here oops#have a lovely day/sleep here#oh also i am liking all the vault tracks i dont know which is my fave#im tiirreddddddd#gnight#eli has a thought#also tumblr keeps glitching on me and saying theres like 2 posts but no#i refresh and theres nothing
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I feel nasty
#I'm barely sleeping lately#barely eating#and#i feel myself getting weaker#and I'm scared#because I'm not tired#or hungry#and that's not right#maybe that woman caused a lot more stress in my life than i thought and it's affecting things#let's give it a week and then I'll check in w myself again#but ughhhhh#shit sucks#ive been more activly suicidal than normal#and like. i “know” that its wrong but i dont feel worthy of love#at least I've been able to cry though#also also thank fuck I'm regulated hormonally rn#or I'd be so much worse atm#ughhhh anyways#I'm all over the place
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@ those that make amv's (not fanvids) how do you guys manage to fit so many seasons into one (1) amv??? im struggling so much to not focus on like one plotline from certain seasons
#personally i also suck at making amvs look aesthetic so if i use stuff from s1-3 (maybe 4-5 too) its so difficult to use stuff from s8 and#forward. cause its so bright. you get whiplash from looking at those scenes side by side. also the age difference#and lately ive actually been a bit tired of making amvs cause its so much to think about like storytelling wise. and im tired of#storytelling LOL isnt it enough to put together clips of my blorbo and just post it??? (literally describing a fanvideo hsjdhsjdh)#anyways. if amv makers wanna give some storytelling tips the notes/asks/dms are open <3
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good morning! letting yall know there is a small chance i may try to do a test stream on twitch today! i really want to try it cause its my day off and we can hang out listen to tunes and finish up iplier drawing requests i got hehe
#idk ive been so so sad and tired lately#but i really want to do something kinda fun today#i remember doing streams in the past and they were fun!#also if i end up liking doing little drawing streams we may do them more often#i havent been working on any projects or anything recently cause again. sad#so we'll see if i end up doing streaming :3#life with seag
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im so tired so tired and im bored and i need some easy reward chemical for my stupid brain but i dont know where to get it
#i want to do something that matters but doesn't matter something that requires no effort but engages me something that has#long-lasting consequences but will also change nothing i want something that changes me but doesn't affect me at all#i want to feel things but i dont want to despair but no matter if i can feel things or not i despair anyway#ive been putting off sending an important email for a week and a half and just the thought of trying to put my thoughts in order#terrifies me#i want to read fic because i like it but i know that when i do i will only feel like im wasting time#i want to finish that drawing i was doing of my body horror dream i want to finish drawing my oc i want to finish the gifts for people#that are years late i want to send that fucking email#i want. to be able to do things again.#but i can't. i can't do anything but sit here and feel awful about everything.#i can't take care of myself i can't make myself feel any better i can't do anything that helps me im just. stuck here.#and nothing is real nothing feels real nothing feels like it matters nothing seems to be making a change#and i. i know the only cure for this is time. and rest.#but i can't rest.#i can't do anything but sit here and try to forget how miserable i am#im tired of pretending im ok. im tired of pretending im getting better.#im tired of pretending im doing okay so i won't blame myself for not fixing me.#im tired of pretending i have hope because GOOD sick people have hope.#im tired of the consequences of my inaction catching up to me then i have to deal with that when i couldnt deal with their cause in the#first place#i have so many tabs open and its slowing down my computer and phone. but i can't bring myself to go through them and finish my business#with them so i can close them.#im tired of my room getting dirtier and dirtier and nothing is organized properly and my sheets are falling off my bed but i can't remake i#im tired. im tired.#lassie vents#vent
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