#also by saying “a man's hurt ego” i understand how this might injure someone's feelings bc of COURSE it's not all men and i do not think a

[soloquel]

had a cop ask me for my number at work bc he wanted me to have some drinks with him & then go to the club together, which i tried to say no to in the nicest, most polite way possible bc a) i was at work (retail, surrounded by customers) and b) i'm scared of a man's hurt ego, but he kept insisting and asking why not etc., and it took me telling him i have a boyfriend for him to finally back off, but not after asking where he works (i only said also in retail) and him telling me that i'd be better off with a cop, but then he finally left. man, i hate this so much, i hate having people know where i work and being so accessible to all kinds of weirdos, and i hate how i had to warn all my coworkers not to tell that guy anything bc i'm terrified of cops and their fucking immunity in regard to so many things. also he kept bragging about how he carries his gun around at all times, and then turned around and wondered why most people start to act weirdly around him when they find out he's a cop, like HUH???? anyways i hate having to be paranoid about him finding out where i live, where my boyfriend works, etc. idk man. i find cops terrifying.

[ot3]

Sorry to bother - feel free to ignore. I’m trying to write an orv fic bc. I like them. And I’m having trouble understanding why with the regression depression it’s the happy memories that get yjh the most. Best I can figure it’s bc he can use the bad memories to propel him forward - like he’s doing this to avenge them. But the good memories force him to realize these people are gone and he’ll never see them again. Do you have any thoughts? Thanks!

i think that's definitely more or less accurate! i think the 'those people are gone and he'll never see them again' bit you've pointed out is the critical piece here. ill stick my further thoughts below the cut. this is really long because i've pulled a LOT of long chunks of text from the novel to shore up this point. i just got home from work so my thoughts are gonna be a little bit incoherent here. skip to the end if you're not interested in reading all the segments i pulled from the text. spoilers all the way up through chapter 508

first things first, let's just go back to the novel and look at all the bits where YJH's depression gets brought up

“Maybe Yoo Jonghyuk-nim has already repeated a few lives. You have fought against terrible enemies and struggled against the beings of this world to save people. Enduring alone, lonely memories… We respect your sublime spirit.”

This jerk, such skillful flattery. Yoo Jonghyuk would be moved to tears if he heard. Later when he was depressed, I would have to tell him these words.

“But Yoo Jonghyuk-nim should’ve realized it from your past regressions. Even if you have an outstanding miracle, you alone can’t fight against the disasters that will come.”

Plus, he was right.

- from ch 48

「 Everything is twisted because of this person. 」

「 It is different from what I know in the earlier regressions. The amount of information available is too limited. I can’t save the world like this. 」

What was this?

「 The reason I was hurt by the Salvation Church was because we spent too much time in the last round. It was a mistake to train for 100 years then. My mind was permanently damaged. 」

「 Maybe it was a mistake not to get the Absolute Throne.  」

「 I will start from the beginning again… 」

Dammit, the regressor’s depression had begun. Was it due to the mental attack? I cried out in fear of what he would decide. “I’m hurt you jerk!”

- from ch 140

「 Those people can’t save the world, even with 100 trucks. 」

「 Once again, the answer is regression… 」

“Now now, our Supreme King isn’t in a good mood right now so back off. Do you want to die?” I personally stepped forward to get rid of any causes of depression.

- later on in ch140 as well

This jerk, he was always so impatient. He had been given time to rest but he was still busy thinking. Regardless of his depressed state, Yoo Jonghyuk was Yoo Jonghyuk.

“Before that, let’s take a moment to breath. The view is great.” I said while sitting on the roof railing.

Yoo Jonghyuk asked me, “What are you up to?”

“I’m just looking at the world. Isn’t it beautiful?” The city of Seoul was destroyed by the monsters. I quickly added, “It was originally a beautiful place.”

“I don’t like landscapes.”

“Why?”

“They are things that will disappear someday.”

I thought I had a bit more understanding of the third regression Yoo Jonghyuk after fighting against Shin Yoosung. I wanted to believe he was a person who could love this world without giving up or feeling despair.

I told him, “However, we need to protect these things.”

“Kim Dokja, you don’t know.”

This might be my misunderstanding. Yoo Jonghyuk could give up at any time because he was still in the midst of his regressions.

In the end, Yoo Jonghyuk’s purpose was to prevent the ‘destruction of this world.’ Paradoxically, he could give up on this world at any time. His essence was regression and this fact would never change.

“No, I know,” I replied.

“What?”

“The fact that you can regress at any time means that death is meaningless.”

I looked down at Lee Seolhwa caring for the injured. Lee Seolhwa was feeding her boiled soup to an unknown person. Despite her efforts, there was a high probability that the character would die. Even if they lied now, they would die tomorrow. If they miraculously survived tomorrow, they would die the day after tomorrow.

It was the same in the fourth regression and the fifth regression. There would always be ‘death’ in the world of Yoo Jonghyuk, even after passing the 100th regression.

“If there is no sense of death then the value of life also disappears.”

- ch141

There was the vague belief that he could do better in the next round with more information. It was easy for him to give up on this regression if something went wrong.

This was the precursor symptom of ‘regression depression.’ Some of the contents of Ways of Survival passed through my head.

It was around the 48th regression. Yoo Jonghyuk had consulted with an incarnation of the constellation ‘Discoverer of the Subconscious’ on the ‘regression depression.’ At the time, he seemed to be speaking like I was now.

I continued speaking, “Yes. It might be as you say. If you repeat it 10 or 20 times then it will surely get better. You’ll be exposed to more scenarios and see more of the future. The real problem is when you someday save the world in this manner.”

“What does this mean?”

“At that time, do you really think you saved this world?”

“…”

“Do you think you will be able to keep the same mindset after repeating it 100 or 200 times?”

“I won’t regress that many times.”

I silently stared at Yoo Jonghyuk.

「 …Don’t tell me? 」 Yoo Jonghyuk’s eyes slowly widened.

I kept speaking, “Are you having nightmares these days?”

“…”

“You won’t be saved, even if you save the world. The moment you save the world, the worlds you have forsaken will come to you. Despite saving one world, all the other worlds you abandoned will drag you to hell.”

- from further down in ch141

「 Yoo Jonghyuk felt lonely as he saw these watches. They got their time back but he still wasn’t

living in this time. Yoo Jonghyuk suddenly thought. If so, where do I live in those countless hours? 」

It was the monologue of Yoo Jonghyuk, who once saved the Demon World. It was also one of my favourite scenes from Ways of Survival.

I suddenly seemed to understand a bit of his mind. To the regressor Yoo Jonghyuk, the time in these worlds didn’t belong to him. In a life that could go back over and over again, the present time was meaningless.

Once this was over, I would ask Aileen to make me a watch. If he had something like this, he might become more attached to this world. Maybe the regression depression would get better…

- ch 207

A person who regressed more than a thousand times. A spirit that had become insensitive from the hundreds of suicides and tragedies that an individual could suffer. The extremely widespread regression depression…

「 Yoo Jonghyuk of the 1863rd round is the despair of the world itself. 」

- ch 285

Abnormal condition? There was no way. Who was the 1863rd regression Yoo Jonghyuk? This was Yoo Jonghyuk who was the Ruler of the East Hell and killed the Devil of Principles. There was no one among the constellations who could place an abnormal condition on the present Yoo Jonghyuk.

Yoo Jonghyuk’s eyes were blank.

I felt uncomfortable like something was stuck in my throat. No, there was. There was only one person who could cause an abnormal status in Yoo Jonghyuk.

+

* The target is suffering from ‘regression depression’ due to an unknown cause.

+

It was Yoo Jonghyuk himself.

Regression depression. The spirit of the man who had been broken over 1863 lives made the regression depression almost a passive, low level skill. Once he fell into the depression, his consciousness was caught in the weight of his memories and he couldn’t wake up.

[Kill him! He isn’t invincible!]

The ruthless strikes caused Yoo Jonghyuk’s body to bleed little by little. It was strange. Originally, the regression depression shouldn’t occur in this situation. In the 1863rd round, Yoo Jonghyuk had learnt how to manage this disease.

- ch 286

then this REALLY LONG BIT from 287. it has stopped letting me indent for some reason so i guess ill bold this.

I knew how to wake up Yoo Jonghyuk from his regression depression. In other words, it meant I also knew how to sink him deeper into that melancholy.

I saw Yoo Jonghyuk’s fingertips moving and opened my mouth. “Do you remember? The 33rd round. You cleared the 40th scenario and Lee Jihye said this.”

Yoo Jonghyuk’s eyes dimmed and his moving fingertips stopped.

「 “It would be nice if Master didn’t have to go to the next round.” 」

“Think about it. You weren’t always unhappy. Right? In all the rounds, there were moments when you were happy.”

Yoo Jonghyuk’s expression was becoming stiffer.

“The 173rd round. You protected Earth for quite some time. You also saw Lee Jihye receiving her high school diploma and Lee Seolhwa smiling at someone’s child.”

「 “Jonghyuk-ssi, are you happy that you’re alive?” 」

Every time I spoke, Yoo Jonghyuk’s expression collapsed. It wasn’t despair that broke down Yoo Jonghyuk.

“The 383rd round. You finally cleared the 75th scenario. Fortunately, nobody died in that round. That was the first time. Then Lee Hyunsung told you.”

「 “Jonghyuk-ssi, I won’t forget today until I die.” 」

The feather-like memories sank into his head.

“Then the 498th round…”

Yoo Jonghyuk’s palms moved to cover his ears. The usual Yoo Jonghyuk wouldn’t have fallen from this much. Now it was different. I held his hands and kept talking. “That happened 10 times.”

A human sank deeper into the water just because of the weight of these feathers.

“Twenty times.”

My breath clogged up and my lungs tightened. I could feel what Yoo Jonghyuk was going through. Only I could feel it. The most primitive darkness at the bottom of one person was swallowing his ego greedily.

“100 times. It repeated over 1,000 times.”

All those words were destroyed. All the happy memories flowed back to a time they could never return to. Through the countless regressions, the meaning of happiness faded. All the values he preserved became pieces of torn paper.

“Yoo Jonghyuk.”

Yoo Jonghyuk’s self was sinking into the deep sea. It was to a place that he could never come up from without someone’s help.

“Have you protected all the things you wanted to keep?”

I looked at Yoo Jonghyuk’s miserable face and thought: Don’t worry Yoo Jonghyuk. I’ll do the rest. You stop and rest.

[Your understanding of the character ‘Yoo Jonghyuk’ is increasing explosively.]

Yoo Jonghyuk’s empty eyes were showing memories of losing his master. I didn’t use Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint but it wasn’t hard to read.

「 I want to die. 」

「 I want to finish all of this. 」

「 If only I can never wake up. 」

A few drops of rain fell from the sky. It was black rain made from the blood of the demon kings and constellations. Liquid also flowed onto Yoo Jonghyuk’s face. Yoo Jonghyuk’s gaze lowered and finally fell on me.

I was looking at the moment a human’s spirit collapsed. There was a broken voice. Like a creaking machine, Yoo Jonghyuk stammered, “Wh,at… should, I, d…o?”

i think this one is obviously very important.

then, the 'have you protected all you wanted to protect' stuff obviously reaches its culmination in the finale

⸢The regression depression.⸥

That was the only weakness of Yu Jung-Hyeok, who had repeatedly regressed for a very long time.

[In the 173rd turn. You managed to protect Earth for a pretty long time. You got to see Yi Ji-Hye receive her high school diploma, and you even got to see Yi Seol-Hwa smile with another’s child in her arms.]

The light in Yu Jung-Hyeok’s eyes was wavering.

⸢It wasn’t despair that could defeat Yu Jung-Hyeok.⸥

⸢Small feather-like memories settled down inside his head one by one.⸥

The ‘Dokkaebi King’ was using the exact same method I relied on back then.

⸢The breathing got harder, and the lungs were getting tighter.⸥

⸢A man drowning in water would sink even deeper under the surface from the weight of a mere feather.⸥

I couldn’t afford to idly watch on anymore. I shouted at Yu Jung-Hyeok, telling him to wake up, and not to fall for such an illusion.

However, my voice couldn’t reach them as if a non-conductive barrier was set up between us. And the ‘Dokkaebi King’ was smiling away, perhaps to mock this entire story.

[Yu Jung-Hyeok, have you protected all that you wanted to protect?]

Slowly, Yu Jung-Hyeok’s knees sank down.

I roused the Status of Fables. I needed to undo that ⸢Stage Transformation⸥ right now, But, how should I…

Grab.

There was a hand still tightly clutching mine. It was Han Su-Yeong.

“That’s not a battle you can interfere in.”

“But, if he’s left alone….!”

“….Even a star that can’t be seen still emits light. You said that, right?”

….A star that can’t be seen?

Her words made me look back at Yu Jung-Hyeok once more.

His gaze being lowered had come to a stop. Blinding sparks were completely enveloping him.

Tsu-chuchuchuchu….

Something was waking up his fading consciousness.

[Great Fable, ‘Ones that Remember the Apocalypse’, has begun its storytelling!]

That was a Fable I wasn’t aware of.

As the sparks lessened gradually, several silhouettes revealed themselves. Now that I took a closer look, Yu Jung-Hyeok wasn’t alone. No, four others were standing beside him.

A tall man, a young man with blonde hair, a girl with a ponytail, and finally…

[[He couldn’t protect anyone. That’s why he now stands in this place.]]

….An Archangel with blindingly-pure wings.

Astonishment quickly dyed the Dokkaebi King’s expression.

The Fable from the destroyed 999th turn was now burning brightly like the conflagration of end times on the edges of the Archangel’s blade.

[[Because he believes there are still things left to protect.]]

- from ch 508

Now here's a couple of tidbits about depression when it comes up for Other entities:

The fastest thing to get shaved away after becoming a Constellation was their own ‘Fable’. The more a Constellation depleted its story, the weaker its power would get. They would grow bored, disinterested, fall into depression, or lose themselves in tedium.

Constellations would desperately seek out other Fables in order to escape from such a quagmire. In other words, they would search for a new tragedy to escape from this horrible eternal cycle, even if it was only for a brief moment.

- ch 498

⸢[Constellation, ‘Abyssal Black Flame Dragon’s’ ■■ is ‘Something that can’t be found’.]⸥

I had read what his ■■ was from the original novel. His description showed up when he became Yu Jung-Hyeok’s ally for a little while during the 1863rd turn.

⸢The evil dragon suffering from the worst possible depression in this <Star Stream>.⸥

The reason why the ‘Abyssal Black Flame Dragon’ believed his age to be 15 was simply that he’d not be able to continue on if he didn’t.

A life stretching for thousands, no, tens of thousands of years, made an originally solitary dragon into such a creature.

In order to stop itself from decaying, he chose not to age. He chose not to lose his curiosity of the world. He chose to torment Incarnations or play bizarre pranks. And for his final prank, he even chose to betray the ‘Absolute Evil’, too. He stood on Yu Jung-Hyeok’s side and while mocking the <Star Stream>, breathed his last.

- ch 503

okay so

i think there are a couple of different ways to look at the regression depression in line with each of orv's 'themes'. of course despair at losing his comrades is the main primary emotion here, but there's subtler stuff going on here too.

for starters, the foundational components of any creature within the star stream is its stories. the more your stories are known and shared the more powerful they are, etc, etc. time and time again their shared stories are the thing to save them and ground them. but as we see with the hellscape of eternity, yjh begins to become isolated from the interpersonal aspect of the story as he loses the people he originally formed these stories with. the stories are how people communicate. as YJH progresses through his regressions he is unable to relate to the 'story' in the way you are supposed to, and this essentially causes a complete ego death. life no longer has any meaning for him, because he is fundamentally incapable of connecting with people. the [impossible communication] of a life and a burden that can't be shared.

then there's the [samsara] aspect - being worn down by the endless repetition of fate. everything is the same, over and over again, and yet we still delve into it hoping to get something new out of it. maybe the story will be different this time. ABFD was able to stave off depression by keeping himself in a state of permanent novelty - there was still something left to discover - but as YJH progresses through the regressions and falls deeper and deeper into repeating the same pattern, the tedium becomes too much. he has nothing new to experience. he has repeated everything this reality has to offer - or so he thinks - and it shows no sign of ever changing. if it's the same every time, why stick around? why not go again? it doesn't matter. none of it matters. you are just part of the wheel.

and if we think of it in terms of [good and evil] we see yjh slowly become something that almost any human being would call a monster. as kdj says in that conversation with anna croft near the end, "can you really call someone a human if you have to look so hard to find their humanity?" as far as it goes. yjh commits some atrocities! Because of said aforementioned removal from reality and ego death, he is able to fully justify any action it takes no matter how horrendous. and yet his noble goal never changes. undeniably, what he is by the end is some sort of monster. but still, of course, just a man. and he knows this. he feels himself slipping a little bit more, every regression. he knows its coming. and he doesn't want it. he wants to maintain his humanity.

but really i think we can almost best think of yjh's regression depression as almost his equivalent to the [fourth wall]. whereas the 4th wall is a unique passive skill that protects kim dokja by preventing him from fully conceptualizing what's happening to him as 'reality', the regression depression harms yjh by preventing him from conceptualizing what's happening to him as 'reality'. in a sense, his friends and loved ones have almost become 'characters' to him as well, as he already knows the way this story happens. he is an outsider, observing these beings interact with each other but not quite the same as them. he is an anachronism. this isn't his present. this is a present, one he can take or leave at any time. the thing yjh does in his later regressions - using people as tools - is something kdj does in the beginning of his journey. because, well, it doesnt matter if this isn't the 'real world'! they mirror each other.

that ended up being so much longer than i thought it would im sorry. i hope this was even like 10% helpful.

[ignitification]

Cold Flame

Cold Flame

A brief explanation of how Rei and Shouto's evolution have to do with the return of Touya Todoroki.

tw: mentions of violence, mentions of suicide, mental illness

1.) I think these two panels tell a whole story of its own.Touya mentions how “The only thing he taught me was how to turn up the heat” referring to Endeavour. This sentence blatantly refers to the accident where Touya’s flames could not be stopped, because his strive to show his father that he is indeed someone to be proud of, has been ignited and then never shut down. Endeavour took Touya, lighted up the flames in Touya (both metaphorically, in his drive and strive to be a hero, and be his father’s hero - and literally, to bring out his fire quirk out while training), and then tossed Touya aside. Rei, on the other hand was not capable to stop him: whether this references to his training regimen, or to him chasing Endeavour, or even his dream is highly unclear - but the sole fact that Touya blames them both (because he feels like he has been bred for this goal, and Rei agreed to it, and then had not enough power to actually put an end to this nightmare) and he is partly right, because this has hurt more people than it was supposed to and that it was necessary. Rei does not know how to stop his kid from getting hurt, which is getting her hurt in return. In this panel, she looks frightened, offended, desperate to grab at Touya (who is silently and slowly slipping further away from her and her grasp) but she cannot. Now, I am not going to go further in this, because Rei not saving Touya is a partially incorrect statement, as yes, she could have done something if herself was not in a very bad place in the first place and if actually everything that happened between Endeavour and Touya did not hinder not only the relationship between Touya and Enji, but as well the one between Rei and Touya (as he see him rejecting her, because Touya knows why he had been born and probably has been influenced into thinking that his mother is weak, as she cannot fend for herself and just blindly accepted whatever Endeavour put in front of her, and not because she did not know any better, but because she did not know how).

2.) The jealousy an older sibling feels towards the newborn is completely normal, because the span of attention given to older siblings usually decreases. But here we are talking about two kids, breaded and raised to be vessels of their’s father dreams. This is an extreme scenario, where the competition between sibling is not about skills or quirk, but instead Touya sees it as a way to regain the lost affections/attention, which since Shouto has been born have never been sent towards him. And the fact that the birth of Shouto triggers in Touya’s the abysmal feeling of being a mistake, tells us that the parents did nothing to let him feel better, or to understand that it was not that way (even if arguably, Endeavour had other kids just because he wanted a perfect kid, which means that at the end of the day, he did consider Touya a mistake). And the fact that Touya was been willing to go this far, as far as to injure himself, as to emotionally condition himself into turning his flames from red to blue, is not only a sign of the mental pressure he put on himself and his emotions (always fuelled by that grating feeling of feeling less, worse, not right), but as well of the constant disappointment he felt when his father paid attention to him while scolding him, being angry at him, scowling and not making any effort. This angry, dark face is what shapes Dabi’s memories of Endeavour - an expression he wants to wipe out of his mind because it reminds him of not being the victim of shitty parenting, but of being considered a failure, worthy to burn to death,  alone.

And these two. 

2.5.) The ‘If only..’ hurts. Because this means not only that there was a chance that Touya did think about it, but he considered it then and there - because it was too much. Because even now, it is too much for him. Rethinking about all this moments is crucial for both Endeavour (who’s memory is definitely triggered into remembering gruelling details of his behaviour towards his children of when he was younger) and Dabi, who instead wonders whether the path he took, the decision he made all those years ago and that brought him there, was actually worth it. Because when Touya died, and Dabi was born on that hill when he was 13, he made the decision to take revenge and actually prove to his father that he is not a failure. He instead, is such a big mistake that Endeavour cannot cancel him anymore. Touya wanted desperately to be noticed for being right. Dabi wants desperately to be noticed because he is wrong, and a big mistake (which is also the result of Endeavour being his father and whatnot).

2.6.) And this. It’s the realisation that Endeavour is sowing the grief and pain of his oldest son, but it is also a realisation for Dabi: he took a decision, which he is sowing now (along with all the murders and the pain he himself inflicted). Memories which are more painful, and the fact that Dabi’s only comments on the accident is actually that it was scorching hot and that he couldn’t stop is very alarming and sad. He says nothing about how he felt. He just admits to the consequences of that gesture. He is not thinking of how much pain it was, or how sad he was, or anything else but just that this event was what made him into the person he is now, and there is no going back. He maybe thinks that things might have come out better if he actually had died that day. But he never talks of what is happening inside himself, because Dabi cannot allow himself such a weakness. And so, he feels nothing.

2.7.) These two panels (below) give me chills.They are so similar in the feeling they give up: desperation, realisation, hope, terrifying anger and sadness, elatedness in knowing that there is something to hang off, that maybe now the right moment has come. And it’s a sort of revival, a feeling brewing for so long and finally exploding in the hate, and the will to drag his father down in the mud with him.

3.) Rei's involvement, in Touya’s upbringing is a problematic topic for two reasons: she feels guilty about it, and her mental state which has been deteriorated by her family and her husband, does not allow her to even look for an excuse, as Endeavour did. Instead, Rei has been driven to a point where she just wants to let go. 

I think that here, Rei, plays a very big role: she is stuck between a husband she cannot take on by herself, and a child who wants nothing to do with her because of her actions (which are inherently caused by Endeavour). And her mental health further deteriorates. Rei looks distraught. I would say even fatigued, and weighted down by everything that is happening, and how she cannot and does not want to deal with it. 

In the hospital room, in Chapter 300, when she comes back and tells Endeavour that he is not the only to have suffered, she is not only referring to Touya, but to herself as well. I think it is important to note how the change happened. For both Shouto and Rei, Touya is a central button: after the accident, things escalated so much for Rei that she ended up in the hospital, Endeavour instead got the full time he wanted with Shouto (reversing his negative feelings, guilt, remorse and strive for his broken dream) into training. 

And the fact that in this moment, she chooses to let Touya go (metaphorically) is not only heartbreaking, but also reflects the anger in Endeavour’’s eyes who’s thinking line has to go along the lines of: ffs, I have to do everything around here (which I do not want to sound rude, comes off as misogynist, but as well disrespectful and just right arrogant). However, the fact that Rei here is weak, does not define her character and instead Touya coming back is exactly what she needs to step on her feet again, and transform this

into ‘I’m here now’ and I’m going to solve this situation. Because Rei is tired of the situation, of Endeavour and wallowing in Endeavour’s shadow. It is time for her to actually intervene like she should have done years ago, and save her kid (or at least, give Touya a forgiveness sort of goodbye, and maybe tell him that notwithstanding their mistakes, and the fact that he was born because of a Quirk Marriage, Touya was still loved).

4.) But then, Shouto's has always been aware of how bad the situation in his own home is. Him protecting his mom is greatly telling in this sense: Shouto, despite being as traumatised by his father’s behaviour as Natsuo and Fuyumi (who are older than him, and are also crying in this panel - because Endeavour is a very tall, and build man and he is the Head of the family, which is also probably why they know what is going on, and no matter how many times this happened, if one or twenty but there is no excuse for Endeavour scaring his children so much they feel the need to retract in themselves (as shown by Fuyumi’s position on the floor, and Natsuo trying to be shielded by his bigger sister) and to cry as silently as possible with the hope that the angry person does not notice them. Shouto, on the other hand, while also crying actually stands up to his father (as he continued doing til today) and despite the shouts, angry stare and all the burden that comes with parent’s argument, he still tries to protect his mother, because he knows that the dominance of Endeavour’ character is too much for Rei to take. Because Rei is tired. Look at her face. Look at her eyes and her general exhaustion. The panel of point 3 stands to identify that she cannot take anymore. And instead, Shouto plays the bigger person. Notwithstanding all the obstacles he has overcome (the hellish training manu, his father’s expectations, the burden left by Touya’s disappearance, his father’s ego and anger, his mum burning him, Rei’s hospitalisation, the scattered relationship with his siblings, his empty childhood), Shouto stands tall and proud, knowing what he has to do. 

I think that Shouto’s being the Hero of his own family, is a very important ‘part’ of not only the story, but as well for Shouto, who is evolving in character and setting the foundations for an individual whose past prejudices his future, and he has to resolve the plethora of things that he carries involuntarily with him, before possibly saying that he has achieved something, and that he became a Hero. I like how Horikoshi pointed slightly out that this whole drama, even if the protagonists are Touya and Endeavour, is not only the shaping path of Shouto, but as well his stepping stone for being a real hero (through the pits of fire which once again he has to do, in order to let go of the past, and instead his future, depicted in fire and ice).

[davids-cartoon-corkboard]

Do you think that if Shredder!Raph will occur in rottmnt, the aftermath might result in Raph inheriting some of Shredder’s rage even after saved? Maybe that is how the crew is going to implement Raph’s trademark temper throughout previous generations and maybe even make him have to step down due to it, making Leo the new leader?

Short answer: “Inheriting the rage of a centuries-old demon" is a dope-ass idea, so if you’re a writer I would definitely encourage you to use that in your own stuff. But I think that if Raph’s temper worsens throughout the show, it should be because of his own character development and not a magical effect. However, a Shredder!Raph scenario could contribute to said worsening temper by inflicting emotional/psychological damage instead. :)

Long answer ahoy!

Looking at “Many Unhappy Returns” from the Shredder’s perspective makes it very clear why he does what he does. Like, he’s been dead for five hundred years, and then something went wrong with his resurrection. He’s waking up with no idea where he is or what’s going on and oh shit those guys are pointing weapons at him, that’s a threat!

Note that he doesn’t even bolt for them immediately, he does a warning stomp and screech (back off!) before starting to approach.

Those other guys are yelling, that’s also a threat,

and they’re closer so he’s gonna attack them first, actually. (None of the Foot wind up even comically injured, suggesting that flailing them around was an intimidation tactic rather than genuine Murderous Intent.)

And then the first group attacks, so of course he’s going to retaliate.

And then suddenly he’s somewhere else, with other threats (the animatronics), and then the first group that attacked him is back, so he’s gonna fight them again.

And these jerks just keep following him? He’s not going to ignore that. And WOW that’s a lot of bright lights and loud noises, which are also threats, what the fuck is going on?!

And then this tiny human girl chucks a giant metal box at him, holy SHIT?! Sure, the Shredder is a dangerous antagonist, but at this point I wouldn’t call him a “bad guy”, he’s literally just responding to what’s happening to him.

In summary, the Shredder was stressed tf out because he didn’t know where he was or what was happening, he retaliated against perceived threats, and quite possibly wouldn’t have attacked the turtles in the first place if they hadn’t just rushed in without understanding the situation.

Gosh, doesn’t that sound familiar?

So yeah, I’m waiting for Rise to give us that good good Shredder!Raph content.

As for the possibility of Leo taking over afterwards... no, but also yes, sort of? On the one hand, we know that Leo does have leadership capabilities, and it would be a waste for the narrative to not explore that. On the other hand, Rise has broken from the status quo in many ways, and it would also be a waste for the show to do a complete 180 and return to Leo Being The Leader™.

Consider how the “leader” role has influenced Leo in past iterations: his perfectionism wears on him and his brothers, any failure tanks his self-esteem, he feels isolated from the rest due to taking on such a large share of responsibility, being an authority figure grinds everyone’s gears, etc. It’s just bad for his mental health.

No doubt all this responsibility will also wear on Rise!Raph as the story progresses and the stakes get higher. It will be bad for him as well. But if Raph steps down, Leo will once again suffer from the weight of this role. So if neither option is quite correct, if neither brother can shoulder the burden of leadership alone, then the solution is just... for neither of them to shoulder the burden of leadership alone. Sure, Raph will probably remain leader in title and in spirit, but Leo taking on a sort of “deputy” role makes sense from a strategic standpoint, and would be good for his character development.

Here’s how I think it could go down:

The Shredder!Raph scenario will be different from the Shredder!Draxum scenario. The Shredder was starved for mystic energy the first time around, so he immediately chewed Draxum up and spit him out. But Raph could be compared more to a battery than a meal; it will take a while for the Shredder to drain him. And at this point the Shredder could be back in “evil samurai” mode, and thus will understand the value of holding Raph hostage.

Y’all who have followed my blog for a bit know about my “Raph is a system” theory; that when he was little, he got separated from his family and pursued by some cryptid hunter. This trauma formed Savage Raph, who is able to handle “being lost/alone/threatened” when Host Raph cannot. “Pizza Puffs” didn’t give us a lot of info about who I’m calling “Red Raph”, but he made his presence known when Host Raph was sort of... "emotionally alone”? In that his brothers were dying a little bit and too stoned to care.

So if Raph is trapped inside a living cage, scared and helpless and hurt and exhausted, his family unable to help him... he’s not going to be able to handle it.

Or, rather, Host Raph isn’t going to be able to handle it.

These two can, though.

I’m imagining a scene in the mindscape where the Shredder says something like “Your pathetic family cannot bear to strike you down, and so there is nothing that can stand in m- wait, why are there three of you OW FUCK-” Red and Savage will mentally kick his ass long enough for the other turtles to rip off a chunk of the armor so Leo can portal it into another dimension or something. Shredder gets K.O.’d since he’s not whole anymore, and the battle is won.

Since the armor didn’t drain Raph as severely as it did Draxum, he won’t become as weak as Draxum did. However, it will still take him some time to recover. Raph trusts Leo in serious moments as of “Many Unhappy Returns”, and he already took charge when Raph wasn’t available back in “Man vs. Sewer”. So Raph will be like, “Hey Leo, can you handle the Mad Dogs for a bit? Just long enough for me to get back on my feet.” And Leo will be like, “Sure bro, I’ve got this.”

He does not, in fact, “got this”. Leo’s ego has caused trouble before (”Shell in a Cell”, “Minotaur Maze”), and being in charge will no doubt go to his head. This has the potential for both comedy and seriousness, leading to wacky mishaps and genuine danger. Being the leader is hard work and it’s not always fun, but someone has to do it and Leo will have to put the others before himself for it to get done. Once Leo realizes this, he could bond with Raph by asking for his advice on leadership. Sometimes Leo will follow the advice and sometimes he won’t, sometimes that will work out and sometimes it won’t, laying the foundation for the idea that there are situations where it will be better for one or the other to lead, rather than having one lead all the time. But that will only happen for a few episodes, because Raph will heal quickly and he’ll be the leader again and everything will be fine!

Everything will not, in fact, be fine. Raph is the strongest in the family, the tank, the one who can take a hit so the smaller ones don’t have to... the idea of being hurt, of being weak, scares him because his family is also in danger if he’s unwell. So I don’t think he’ll acknowledge to anyone, not even himself, that getting possessed hurt him emotionally as well as physically. And when a wound isn’t acknowledged, it doesn’t get tended to, and when a wound isn’t tended to, it gets worse.

That he’s a system will add another layer of complexity to this. The Shredder!Raph incident would make all the alters aware of each other via mindscape shenanigans, but it would also leave them with the fear of not being in control, so I think they’ll come in conflict with each other for a bit. They’ll argue with themselves, switch, and lose time more often, enough that it impedes their ability to function and the other characters start to notice something is wrong.

Host Raph will convince himself that Everything Is Fine and try to get things “back to normal”, which probably means he’s just straight-up not going to acknowledge that he's a system. He’ll rationalize that he’s always “gotten weird” from time to time, so it’s nothing to think too hard about... right?

Savage Raph will be on high alert because they just survived a near-death (a near soul-destroying) experience. He’ll probably take the front and go overboard fighting some villains that Host Raph could have ordinarily fought on his own. It might also take a while to convince Savage Raph that these “sewer monsters” who keep following him around really don’t mean him any harm.

Red Raph will get snappy (pardon the pun) about the more social aspect of “not being in control”; that Host Raph asked Leo to be in charge and then Leo started being an egotistical dumbass. And when Leo does make the right decisions, Donnie and Mikey might side with him over Raph, and that will also grind his gears.

Mix all that together and you have a recipe for a capital b Breakdown.

So yeah, I can definitely see how the Shredder!Raph incident and its aftermath would worsen all three of their tempers, trauma will fuck up your emotions real bad. Perhaps Host Raph loses faith in himself and tries to step down and get Leo to replace him as leader... only for Leo to be like “Bro I cannot do this full time I will one hundred percent have my own Breakdown if that happens.”

The life lessons here are that Leo learns to offer support by sometimes taking the leader role; not to benefit his own ego, but because he wants to help Raph. And Raph learns to accept support by letting Leo be in charge sometimes; not because he’s weak or incapable, but because he can’t always be a Staunch Immovable Rock and he needs to let himself rest by trusting Leo.

And then the Raphs can work on communicating, cooperating, letting their allies know about them, digging into their trauma, etc. now that they have some breathing room.

(Do you think the Hidden City has therapists? Steven Universe and Mao Mao both have therapists can we BLEASE get one for Raph.)

[violetlunette]

All Might and Bakugou Rant Chapter 8-11

Okay, before I start this rant I want to say that I LOVE All Might; he is a sweet sunflower man and I love him! He is in my top 3 favorite BNHA/MHA characters. HOWEVER, just because I love and adore him doesn’t mean I’m not going to get upset when his actions, or in actions in this case, potentially cause serious harm!

As for Bakugou--I like him when I’m not forced to like him if that makes sense? He has a lot of good qualities and I love that he has a unique backstory for rivals. There’s no angsty reason for his assholeness he’s just a brat who got a big head from being praised all the time and for actually being talented. I really want to see him grow which is why I get super angry when the story ruins his potential growth moments.

The rest of my thoughts I’m saving for a future post.

For those who are confused, I started a post series where I’ve been collecting every image I can find to explore Izuku and Bakugou’s relationship because it’s a big thing in the BNHA/MHA community and I wanted to judge myself. This rant is about Chapters 8-11 and how All Might handles things. Spoilers ahead! I should also warn that this is also very, very Bakugou critical as we are dealing with early gremlin Bakugou who goes overboard with Boom-boom. Also this is a rant, so things might not be very coherent and may repeat.

Oh and this is a LONG rant so I wouldn’t open on tumblr search. New tab suggested.

And finally; no beta reader. We die like dumbasses. Enjoy if you like rants.

The set up;

So here’s the stage; Bakugou vs Izuku. All Might tells Bakugou to adapt a villain mindset, and BOY

DOES

HE

EVER

Because of Bakugou’s temper he unleashes an explosion that both he and All Might admit could kill Izuku. Not just injure or maim, but KILL. And this wasn’t a small attack ether;

Look at this;

A large chunk of the building was taken out and the structure on the rest was damaged and cracked. I don’t think the building will collapse, but I’m not an architect and this is still serious damage.

And in this test run the area is supposed to be a nuclear plant. I’m not going to say too much considering Japan’s history with nuclear stuff, but I will say that if this was a real run Japan would be in serious trouble all because “King Explosion Murder” is having a hissy fit!

But this is a test, so I’m just going to focus on the fact that Bakugou used a literal killing move on Izuku and All Might did nothing!

Remember this part? “I will stop you if you take things too far?”

How

is

THIS

NOT TOO FAR?!

Is it just me here? I get we’re dealing with some value dissonance /blue and orange mentality as this world isn’t like ours, but come on!

YES!! Listen to Kirishima, the only one in the whole class that seems to care about the potential death of a classmate!

Even if Bakugou wasn’t intending to kill, he was going in to severely injure and maim Izuku. And what if Izuku tried to dodge the wrong way and it was a direct hit? What then? The only reason Izuku’s blood isn’t everywhere is because in anime world people are durable as fuck.

Isn’t it their job to teach these kids not to use moves that could kill someone, or at least be responsible and not use said moves on classmates during a training course?

Yes! You should!

Okay, to be fair to All Might it’s clearly stated by everyone around him that while All Might is smart and knows how to hero he doesn’t know how to teach very well at this point, though he does improve later on. And I do understand his thinking; if Izuku told him about the bullying then this is Izuku’s chance to get back a little at Bakugou and show him what he’s made of. That’s what he’s thinking here;

Yeah, that’s one way to describe it.

It’s also shown very clearly that Izuku wants this fight, to finally be able to challenge Bakugou on equal ground for once in his life.

I also understand that the UA teachers are getting these kids ready to fight real villains, so they are pretty lax on things to help them. That’s why I give Aizawa a lot of slack with his teaching methods.

And All Might does warn Bakugou not to do it again;

Also calm? Petty? Really? THAT’S what you see? Yeah, he’s “calm” and thinking clearly (which makes everything worse, btw), but “petty?” The word is genocidal, All Might. Bakugou does use the attack again! RIGHT ON IZUKU’S FACE.

Even if this was a different attack, how is this not too far? Okay, I guess Izuku blocked it as we see below;

But Bakugou didn’t know he would block and look at Izuku’s eye; did that attack do eye damage?

And what really irritates me is that All Might wasn’t going to do shit until he saw that Izuku was going to use OFA.

So, explosion fist that took out part of a building was fine, but using OFA that’s just too far!

Kirishima has to plead with All Might to stop things before he starts to give in. (And seriously? WHY IS HE THE ONLY ONE?! Does no one else care??)

But I’m not even that mad that he allowed the fight to continue. I wanted Izuku to have a chance to prove himself and beat Bakugou’s ass (he deserves it here. FIGHT ME). I also like that with Izuku’s hard earned victory Bakugou is momentarily humbled.

I agree that for both Izuku and Bakugou this fight needed to happen (but only if Izuku won). Bakugou needed this moment for character development.

He really needed this.

No, what I’m mad about is that BAKUGOU WAS NEVER SCOLDED FOR HIS ACTIONS. Hell, All Might goes the opposite way and tries to comfort Bakugou as we see here;

which okay, maybe he needed a little. He needed to hear these words, but he also needed a major scolding! But he never got that.

Izuku was carried away on a stretcher and severely damage, but does he care? No! What does he care about? Bakugou’s fragile ego!

Yeah, I know Izuku’s body is broken, but poor Bakubabe’s not feeling very confident. SERIOUSLY ALL MIGHT?!!

Why is this a big deal? Why am I so mad? Same reason why I was mad at the other teachers. By not telling Bakugou what he did was wrong and making him listen he did what every. Single. Damn. Teacher. Has done so far; taught him there was nothing wrong with his actions; it was okay that he unleashed an attack that could KILL on someone, especially on Izuku. There wasn’t anything wrong with it. Because no one ever tries to correct Bakugou he keeps acting this way, losing his temper and hurting people, mostly Izuku. And it doesn’t just hurt Bakugou, the inaction of no one ever scolding Bakugou teaches Izuku that it’s okay for him to get hurt. It’s okay that others hurt him, no big deal. It’s no wonder Izuku is always breaking his bones! Why would he listen to others telling him to to take better care of himself when the world keeps saying that it’s okay for people like Bakugou to hurt him?

There’s also the fact that Izuku was severely hurt here;

These are not comical anime wounds, these are serious, oh shit wounds so bad he has to be carried away on a stretcher.

No. Don’t laugh it off! You are hurting Izuku and Bakugou for reasons I already stated.

Even Recovery Girl tells him that what he did was stupid!

See what a good scolding can do? All Might made a mistake and he’s being called out on it.

An ego trip does not make this okay. Just like All Might needed to be told that his actions were wrong, so does Bakugou. Hell, Bakugou needs it even more!

I love RG. If she was there I’m willing to bet Bakugou would have gotten at least a time out. She’s the best teacher. She knows when to be kind, when to bee strict, and when someone needs to be called out. LEARN FROM HER All Might!

Bakugou’s quirk is EXPLOSIONS. It’s just as dangerous as Thirteen’s Black hole, or Shigaraki’s dissolve quirk and just as deadly! He needs to be taught to understand that along with controlling his temper especially because he’s going to be a hero, but he’s not going to learn if his ego is always babied and never faces consequences. I’m not asking for All Might to turn Bakugou over his knee or anything, just to tell Bakugou that what he did was wrong. Especially since he’ll be dealing with civilians in the future.

But no, instead of focusing on the fact Bakugou needs to control his temper All Might decides he needs to nurse Bakugou’s ego. I highly disagree because in addition to everything I stated above. Bakugou’s case a little ego bruising might teach him some humility which he SORELY NEEDS. He needs love and care, but when he does something dangerous and deadly, he needs a kick in the pants or at LEAST a strong NO, DON’T DO THAT.

How is he going to learn otherwise? Seriously, does anyone ever scold Bakugou for his temper? His ego is always called out, but what about his temper?

Again, I adore All Might. He is a great hero and he gets better, but I wish he bought that teacher’s hand book before his first class.

Rant finally over, I swear I didn’t intend for it to be this long, but oh well.

[evanbuckbuckley118]

The Weight Of Uncertainty

I’m back! Here is a fic that wasn’t requested, but was born out of my need to write something that accompanies the past episode. Enjoy!

Summary: Athena needs a ride home from the hospital and everyone is unavailable...except Buck. [This fic includes some family feels, and a well needed conversation about what’s next for Athena, and how Athena and  Buck feels following her assault. This is a missing/additional scene for 3x17]

Word Count: 3658

Cross-posted to AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24061786

It was safe to say the past few weeks had been...unexpected.

Athena never would have guessed that she would have found the serial rapist by following her hunch to check the storage units, nor would she have guessed that her decision to follow that lead would result in watching her own daughter's prom from the comfort of a hospital bed. That wasn't to say she would do anything differently, she was proud put an end to that psychopath's tirade. There just was a part of her that was exhausted from the entire ordeal.

Today was the day they were finally going to spring her. She'd been counting down the days, eager to recover in the comfort of her own home. Her body still seemed to scream out protests to her every movement, but this wasn't the first time Athena had been injured on the job, and she knew from experience that her ribs might never feel quite the same again. They would mend, but the bones will carry the same scars that her mind did - another permanent souvenir of a time she brushed with the reaper once again and won.

Athena wished silently that Bobby was still here with her. Early this morning, Harry had phoned saying he missed the bus to school. Being it was still early in the morning - Michael wasn't answering his phone, May had an exam this morning and couldn't skip or be late, and any of the family members from the 118 were still on shift for a few more minutes (working tirelessly to give their Captain time to spend with his recovering wife). Athena felt greedy watching Bobby leave to give Harry a ride after being spoiled by his devoted attention for the past few days. Yet, it also warmed her heart knowing how much he cared for their children.

While she thought the hospital wouldn't spring her until later that afternoon, about five minutes after Bobby left they'd already begun the process needed to get her out of here. She'd phoned Bobby, but the traffic echoed behind his worried voice saying he'd be longer than expected.

"There is just a few more pieces of paperwork Sergeant Grant, and then you'll be free to go," the nurse began explaining. "We expect to see you back in a few weeks for a check-up and to revisit your stitches and x-rays. You are on orders to rest, with as little physical exertion as possible."

"I understand," Athena said stoically. Even getting her shoes on a moment ago had felt like a gigantic task. While Athena was in the best shape of her life, her injuries from the assault and the days spent recovering here had completely wiped out any previous endurance she'd possessed. Being winded from tying a shoelace was not normal, much less worthy of praise or accomplishment. To make matters worse, her mostly dominant arm was also in a sling for the foreseeable future, complicating a number of previously easy tasks.

"We don't recommend driving in your condition yet, do you have someone to get you home safely?"

Opening her mouth to explain that she'd have to wait around a bit longer for her ride, or call for an Uber - Athena was cut off by the loud screech of a shoe abruptly skidding to a halt along the hospital floor.

"I came as fast as I could," Buck panted, out of breath with a large mischievous smile quirking up the left edge of his lips. "I'm her ride."

The nurses eyebrows were high as she took in the sight of Buck, who looked as disheveled as he usually did after a long shift. His hair curled and still damp, suggesting a quick shower with little care to drying off (almost like Harry when he was younger and insisted he could do it himself, only to have Athena run a second towel through his locks to ensure he wouldn't drip all over the house). The bags under his eyes betrayed his blinding smile.

Athena just sighed. "Buck, while I appreciate the thought, you are coming off a 24-hour shift. You know exhaustion can count as impaired driving just as much as alcohol, right?"

"Nonsense, it wasn't a busy shift," Buck argued despite the fact Athena would catch him in the obvious lie. There was no such thing as a slow shift for first responders in Los Angeles. He waved a hand dismissively "besides, Bobby called me and told me you don't have any other options."

Athena signed the remainder of the paperwork in her hands, and passed it back to the nurse who left quietly with a slight nod. "Just know if you break any traffic laws while I'm riding in that damn death trap Jeep of yours - I'll still tell my colleagues to write you a ticket."

Buck stepped into the room, and grabbed Athena's bag without being told. Slinging it over his shoulder and extending a hand out for Athena to grasp for support as she stands, he says "I guess you can take the officer out of the uniform, but not the uniform out of the officer."

Athena is ready to give Buck an eye roll so intense it might be audible, or at least chastise him for the profoundly cheesy remark - but her breath is stolen in a pained gasp as she stands and her bones right themselves into an upright position. She squeezes Buck's hand that she'd been using in a tight pulse, closing her eyes and swallowing tightly against the sudden onset of pain.

Just like recovery always happens, the pain ebbs into a dull and manageable ache. When she opens her eyes, Buck is right there in front of her, his grip on her hand providing a strength Athena draws from. "Hey, are you okay? Should I get the doctor?"

Nodding sharply, Athena finds her voice even if it is raspy. "I'm fine, just a bit sore. I want to go home Buck."

Buck offered twice on their slow journey to the vehicle to get Athena a wheelchair, but Athena refused. As long as she took these short steps one at a time, she could do this. If the sound of her ragged breath rattling fast out of her mouth due to exhaustion bothered Buck, he didn't say a word. The man's long legs had to ache to take longer strides at a faster pace, but he kept in line with Athena, muttering small encouragements for only her ears the entire way. "Almost there...you can do it...that's it...good..."

Once they'd reached the Jeep, Athena saw a glaring problem. The step to get into the tall vehicle was going to require an immense effort that Athena didn't have left.

Before she could voice her distress, Buck leaned Athena against the Jeep muttered something about needing "...one moment." He reached into the trunk and pulled out a small step stool, no doubt borrowed from the station. Placing it in front of the running board, he pointed at the set up he created and let out a small proud giggle. "See? I'm sorry there is no liftgate, but now we just have three small steps instead of one giant one!"

Athena's insistent pride wanted to be mad this solution because it felt so childlike. But the only other foreseeable option was having Buck lift her in, and that would only damage her ego further. Buck must have known that; and instead, the thoughtful man in front of her (that she often thought of like a son) had gone out of his way to think of the best possible solution to this minuscule problem. The fact that Buck had thought ahead about how to make this process as painless as possible for her, even with the short preparation time he must have been given from Bobby's sudden request, warmed her heart.

"Thank you, Buck," she said earnestly.              

Buck had stopped on the way back to the Grant household to pick up some regular strength Tylenol from the drugstore. While he'd been in the check-out line, he'd realized that while the hospital no doubt would have wanted to give Athena a prescription for stronger pain medication, she'd probably refused. Whether she thought she could handle it on her own, or didn't want to bring any temptation around for her stressed husband, Buck didn't know. What he did know from his own experience is that after getting some sleep, she was going to be in a world of pain. So despite Athena's protests that he didn't have to make this stop, this was the least he could do.

He'd taken care to drive like a true gentleman. Buck avoided all the potholes, didn't speed, took the corners at a below reasonable speed to avoid any extra jostling. Once they'd arrived to the empty and quiet house, Buck had maneuvered Athena to bedroom, and aided her in getting settled and comfortable with an extra blanket from the cupboard. His hands itched to provide more help.

Buck patted her foot twice and began to leave, "I'll go make you some tea."

"You really don't have to do that Buck, please don't fuss over me," she protested.

"I don't have to," Buck acknowledged. With a passionate voice and a less passionate shrug, he continued. "I want to. You and Bobby took such good care of me after my leg was crushed, let me return the favor."

A silence fell over the room. Athena was stunned by his generosity, but also by the fact she could hear hurt and worry in his voice. Was he alright?

Before she could ask about his well being, Buck was already gone. He'd left the room, and she heard the tea kettle settle on the stove top. The space between them gave Athena a moment to think. It wasn't often Athena caught Buck at a vulnerable moment, as she did spend less time around him than her husband did. While the pair of them thought of Buck as a son, that also meant the worries that came with having children in your life extended to him. Athena would be lying if she said she didn't care for the boy in a parental way, especially after all the man had gone through in the past year. She worried about his mental state, especially because it seemed that Buck always put on such an enthusiastic front. From experience, she knew it made things difficult to tell when Buck was truly happy from when he was only feigning the emotion to mask darker feelings. It was little clues in his voice and facial features that betrayed him if Athena looked quick enough.

Athena heard Buck shuffle around to get the mugs as the kettle began to hiss. She tracked the sound of his footsteps around her kitchen, noticing they paused for a moment. There was a ruffle of paper, and another period of silence. The footsteps then resumed, and there was Buck in the doorway of her bedroom. He made no move to enter the space. There was a mug of steaming tea in one hand, a tri-folded letter in the other.

"They're giving you a commendation?" Buck asked, looking at the letter and then back at Athena. "I swear I didn't mean to overstep and read your mail, it was sitting on the table and I just got worried-"

"Yes Buck," Athena said to pause his rambling. "Not sure what good it does, but they are giving it to me anyway."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't do this job for the acknowledgements Buck. No commendation can fix those victim's lives and what happened to them. No commendation guarantees that justice will be served to the man who did this..." Athena paused, and wanting to shift the focus off herself and onto Buck in an attempt to get him to open up. "No commendation heals the fear I still see in my family's eyes as they worry unnecessarily about me and are haunted with new traumatic memories."

"Yeah, I know Bobby and the kids have taken this really hard," Buck moves into the room, handing off the tea to Athena and resting the letter on her dresser.

After a long sip of the soothing liquid, Athena places it to the side. She grabs at Buck's hand weakly and tugs on it as a silent plea for him to sit. "And you."

"What? Me?" He shakes his head fervently. "No-"

"Yes, you. You are my family too, Buck."

"I'm fine, Athena," He says, but the voice is small. Buck is doing a poor job convincing Athena, and from the way his eyes well up and he bows his head to the floor, he isn't convincing himself either.

"Is that why your hands are shaking? Why your looking at me like I'm going to break? Why your fussing around the house looking for ways to be helpful?"

Athena knew from her training that in any traumatic incident, there was never just one victim. The secondary traumatization of crime can be felt by bystanders, witnesses, family, even strangers who hear about it later. Worse, often these people don't feel supported or feel that they have a right to feel the emotions that come with such trauma because they weren't directly effected or impacted. For all that Buck has done for her today, Athena is determined to sit here and give Buck a safe space to discuss his feelings.

"I don't think you fully understand how badly you scared us...and me," Buck began. Athena appreciated his honesty already. "When we got the call from dispatch...I don't like feeling powerless, and it was all I could feel. We were listening to you fighting back, but we had no eyes on you. Without a visual, we didn't know if you were grunting from the exertion of winning, or the pain of losing. There was nothing I could do but sit as we drove towards you in hopes we wouldn't be too late. There was nothing I could do as I watched Bobby spiral into thinking how he might lose his wife for a second time. There was nothing I could do as I watched the team prepare themselves for the worst. I was preparing myself to have to tell Harry and May and Michael about how hard you fought to get back to them, even if it wasn't enough, because I knew Bobby would be too devastated to do it if anything serious happened to you. The gunshot rang out over our radio, and there was nothing I could do to make it better Athena-"

Buck explanation ran short, as he felt overcome with emotion. He was gripping Athena's hand now in a role reversal from only a few hours earlier. Athena squeezed back, grounding him from a panic attack or flashback. Silently, she hoped it gave him strength as much as it reinforced him he wasn't alone.

"I know you felt powerless Buck, and I'm sorry you had to go through that experience. I know you felt like you couldn't and didn't do anything, but I want you to know that the thought of my family is what kept me fighting," Athena explained. "The memories of my love for all of you, and all the things we haven't yet done together, that's what kept me going. You did do something Buck, the love you've shown my family and me was part of the reason I kept going. You did that."

Buck sniffed back the last of his tears, putting on that strong front that Athena knows is there to protect in times like this when he feels most exposed. "I just wish I could have done more for you, Athena."

Sensing that Buck wants to shift away from this conversation, and because exhaustion is pulling at her to wrap it up as well, Athena smiles widely. "Well, you've already made a pretty good start, but I do have one thing you can do for me Buck."

That seemed to do the trick, he was already perking up as his head snapped up and his eyes went wide. He smiled softly, and Athena thought to how once over drinks Hen described Buck like a golden retriever. She had to admit, the resemblance was uncanny. Buck was always willing to give so much of himself to others. Later, Athena might finish their previous discussion with him in more depth. She does want to talk to him about therapy and caring for himself better, but right now she pushes those worries aside. "Anything you need, I can do it," he says, ready for action.

"You can stay right here Buck, and take a nap with me until Bobby gets home," Athena explained. She carefully shuffled a little more over to the side, exposing the open side of the bed as Buck sputtered over his protest.

"N-no, Athena. I can't do that, you need to rest without distraction or someone else moving the bed around, and I really should be getting back to my apartment-"

"You have just come off a long shift taking care of people, only to have to take care of a poor injured woman, and now you expect me to let you drive back to that shell of a place when you are practically dead on your feet? I'll worry less and get a better sleep if you stay here."

"I'll take the couch then Athena-"

"-Buck, don't argue with me. That couch does no favors for anyone's back, and the firehouse can't be down another member. Just lie down here, for at least one hour. Bobby will be back by then, and then you can leave."

Buck was still as he sat on the bed, contemplating his options. He must have realized there was no arguing with her by now, because for all he tried to put up a fight, he began to move towards getting settled. It took some time, but he was growing to learn that Athena is always right. "Just for a little while," he submits conditionally.

The man rounds to the other side of the bed and attempts to lay down without moving the bed as much as possible. The whole ordeal leaves him looking stiff as a board, facing away, which just won't do. Athena huffs, and immediately tugs on his shoulder until he rolls onto his other side, at which point Athena guides his head to her shoulder. Looping her free arm around his body as if he were a child, Buck finally relaxes.

She really was tired, more so than she'd admit to anyone. Within seconds, she felt herself nodding off towards a deep slumber.

Which of course means that Buck has to choose this moment to speak up again.

"Are you going back after this Athena?"

It was a statement more than a question; yet, the puzzling part was that as much as Athena tried to read into Buck's emotive voice, she couldn't place what emotion came with it. She opened one eye to peer down at Buck, but his normally expressive face was blank as he peered up at her curiously. "Bobby mentioned you were feeling conflicted about returning to the job after your medical leave," he offered as an afterthought to Athena's silence.

Bobby had told Buck the truth. Athena didn't know if it was just a knee jerk fear reaction after a traumatic event, or if she really was feeling ready to retire from policing. She was conflicted, confused, unsure how to move forward after this particular event. Her thirty years on the force and everything that came with it made the decision that much harder. It seemed like all she had time to do lately was think, but she was no closer to making this decision about her future.

"I honestly don't know."

Sleep was pulling fast at the both of them despite the conversation, but Buck continued on. His voice was only laced with exhaustion as it faded in volume. "After my accident, all I wanted was to get back. But that's because being a firefighter was my entire identity. I know policing is a big part of yours, but you also have other factors I don't. And you have a family, and Bobby, and the 118. I'm not trying to pull you towards a certain decision," he assured, and Athena believed him. "I'm completely impartial on this decision. It is yours and yours alone to make. I'm just letting you know that you will still be you, no matter your occupation Athena. To leave or to stay, or to take a small leave and then stay, the choice is yours. No matter what you choose Athena, you'll be supported either way by everyone. We just want you to be happy."

Athena was back to a stunned silence. Even though Buck's words in no way helped her clear the fog surrounding her decision, it did ease a part of her. She was always worried about what others think, from her mother to her family. The opinions of those around her always pulled her one way or another. It was a comfort to have it said aloud that this was a decision she gets to make for herself. Even though she knew her family would support her regardless, it was reassuring and nice to hear it once in a while; especially from her surrogate son.

"Thank you, Buck."

The reply fell on deaf ears, Buck's breathing already evened out in a pattern that signaled the beginning stages of sleep. Athena was all to happy to follow suit, feeling more relaxed than she had in a long time.

And if when Bobby came home to the sight of his wife and son getting some well needed and deserved rest together and decided to let them sleep the day away until dinner was ready, no one else needed to know.

[solaroceans]

No pressure, but how about some fluffy headcanons with Tanjiro, Zenitsu, and Inosuke with a reader who's excessively smart? They often start ranting about things no one understands, listing off scientific facts like it's common knowledge; it's easy to see how passionate they are.

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Hi there! Thanks for requesting 💕 I had so much fun writing this! It’s really interesting looking at scientific facts that the reader may have known in the 1900’s.

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HC: Main Three x Smart!Reader

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Tanjiro Kamado

When you two met- woah.

he really admired the way you spoke? instead of speaking what most people would consider normal at that time, you spoke in big words that the main three would really only be able to figure out what the words meant out of context.

also not to mention the way you presented yourself, it was obvious that when you did open your mouth it’s not something that should be talked over.

so tanjiro, even when he first met you, felt obligated to listen to what you have to say. he usually doesn’t cut people off, but with you he just really made sure he didn’t. you just radiated intelligence, and amazing skills at your disposal that could be used if need be.

you also were really happy someone listened, someone cared and didn’t cut you off. you were used to being talked over, as most people sometimes didn’t understand you, or needed to take a step back to process what you said- in their language this time. but you also didn’t want to dumb yourself down.

I believe that’s what would make you attracted to tanjiro- because he listened. he didn’t just care about your looks like zenitsu immediately pointed out as soon as you met him. he also wasn’t all muscle and no brains like inosuke, he genuinely cared and wanted to know more.

I believe he would get attracted to the reader when they start taking to nezuko. it’s an extremely rare case, so I believe when you start taking a closer look at the little demon girl and not having had immediately judged her from the start, it’ll radiate a warm and fuzzy feeling within him.

when you treat her kindly and not like some freak of nature, oh woah, did he actually really feel so happy to have you around. not only were you smart, but you were kind. you were so intelligent, but you weren’t going to treat someone like a science experiment. you were genuinely interested in both nezuko’s case, and her as a person.

when you two are alone, omfg. you feel so comfy around him, he purposely asks you questions, daily fun facts, your predictions on scientific experiments or poisons, but also ask you how your day went. (since I’m guessing that reader likes science, they might be close to shinobu in producing poison.)

when you guys are dating, and you got confessions out the way, he’ll always make sure to have a lot of time to sit and listen to you. he might drift off and not understand a single word you’re saying, but just the way you sound and the way you get so excited and passionate, it warms him up. he could listen to your cute voice for hours.

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Zenitsu Agatsuma

When you met him- maN DID HE PISS YOU OFF.

Not only do I think you two would’ve been on a mission when you met, he probably would’ve been such a chicken the entire time and clinging onto you for dear life when he saw how tough you were.

And right when you were at your low, kinda injured, did he PASS OUT. The gods must’ve been mad at you and gave you the unfortunate luck of being stuck with a whimp who somehow survived being in the demon slayer corps.

But when he suddenly switched in the blink of an eye, and pull off an amazing move, and told you he’d protect you, did you actually think he could be redeemed. He killed the demon, and you were at such awe at his swordsmanship. He was so fast- so quick- so-

nope, wait fuck, there he goes.

When he switched back he freaked out and asked to stay by you and to marry him so you could protect him.

“Y/N PLEASE- YOU’RE MY ONLY CHANCE AT SURVIVAL , WITHOUT YOU I WONT LAST LONG.”

And man did you actually believe that last part.

When you two were back at the estate to heal, only then did you guys actually casually converse, with a lot of one sided flirting that I bet you can guess what side it was on. Although, something about how when he switched. You had it engraved into your mind.

Being the smarty pants you are, you were intrigued by this other side of zenitsu. Just for research. Just to see why he did that, how could he do that? Was it a disorder? Was it just sleepwalking? These theories all lead you to hanging around the blonde big baby.

Not only did you begin to get attached to Zenitsu, you began to worry about him and make sure he’s alright. You calmed him when he cried, listened to his worries, you were his shoulder to lean on. At first it was research, but it developed into a beautiful friendship where no matter what even if he was cowardly, you entrusted him with your life.

You saw other sides of him, signs of logic that sometimes surpasses that of Tanjiro’s. Signs of reasoning that inosuke could never have, and that just intrigued you even more. He wasn’t what you first thought he was. You saw that Zenitsu did in fact have a brain, and you saw that he’s really trying his best.

Then you started to fall for him- I mean what? Nah, it’s just research, totally, right? Yeah- no you were totally wrapped around his finger now.

Don’t fret though, because the more you listened and cared for him, the more you showed him you’d always be there, and the more he fell for you too.

95% of the time he had no idea what you were talking about. He had no idea what some words meant at first, but the more he listened, the more he started to learn and genuinely become interested. You expanded his own vocabulary. Sometimes he’d use words and phrases you use on accident.

What he did know though, is he could stare into your amazing eyes and sit there for hours. Your voice on its own gave him comfort, and that was enough for him.

Once you two confessed and began being in a relationship, he didn’t stop either. When in battle, he’d ask what you think, and maybe got a tiny bit more courageous. Especially when it came to you did he actually fall asleep a bit more and become a better version of himself, and on rare occasions act like that when he’s not asleep.

He also sometimes in the middle of your talking would give you little pecks on your lips and tell you how cute you are when you get all excited and passionate.

You’d blush but pout slightly that he interrupted your train of thought, because now you’re all jumbled up and flustered.

I guess the gods did decide to bless you with fortune, huh?

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Inosuke Hashibira

When you first met Inosuke, let’s say you were pretty indifferent. He was all muscle, no brains, you’ve met a lot of guys like him. All they wanted were to be the best of the best, and pretty reckless.

Except, when you snuck up on him due to your zero intent in wanting to harm him, it really startled him. It freaked him out a little. Although, when you offered to treat his wounds, speaking to him as you would anybody else, he looked at you blankly.

You sighed, just doing it anyway, and when you did he jumped. “THAT HURTS” He’ll yelp, trying to snatch his arm back.

“STOP MOVING, YOU’LL REOPEN IT.”

After much struggle, he’ll feel a little warm and fuzzy feeling for you being kind to him. When you spoke, he didn’t understand you since you spoke in big words and he’s never heard them before. Although, he did pay attention to your actions. They were all full of meaning, you didn’t do something just to do them. You were full of kindness, and confidence.

After that, he felt a little need to not be mean to you and challenge you. He did steal your food still, he did sometimes bother you. While you were taking notes, doing science experiments, testing methods, working with poison, he’d sometimes mess something up.

Imma be honest- when you were trying to write your letters he sometimes messed around with your pen like a cat and he wouldn’t shut up with questions.

When you realized he didn’t know how to read or write, that’s when you began actually acknowledging him. You held some sort of pity with him. Especially after hearing his backstory, you wanted to expand his brain a little more.

He didn’t really like it at first, he hated learning. He’d doze off, he’d forget so easily. That is, until-

“Seriously? You can’t even do this? There’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to.”

That’s when he took up the challenge. He wanted to be the best of the best, and he began trying his best to learn to read or write.

When he learned to write his own name, that’s when you celebrated. You hugged him tightly, praised him, and that really boosted his ego.

You were so smart, and him knowing you were the most intellectual above most people, it drove him to do his best. Seeing how proud something so small made you, it made him want to make you even happier.

After every mission he’d make sure to spend sometime learning from you, small math equations, small science facts. When he realized everything was made of atoms- it blew his mind.

You began finding him attractive. His little success made you want to make him better, spend even more time with him, have him. Eventually, when he came to you asking why he felt the way he did, you explained to him what he was feeling was love.

Inosuke and you began having a relationship after that.

Now, you two spend some time reading children books with him cuddling up to you. You reminded him a bit of his elder guardian, you always gave him such an explosion of happy emotions.

When you went off on your tangent about science, complex math, screaming your cute little rants about literature, he got so happy to see you happy. He wanted to see you do those rants more.

Now he was working to make you happier than anyone else could.

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[creepypastashavecomittedtaxfraud]

mind if i ask for some good soft stuff w Jeff and Toby? or Ben ! ...or EJ.........or Nina.... I'm sorry I will take literally anything I love ur hcs So Much and also Jeff needs more love uwu ((Gee Jeff how come u get to have so many bfs and a gf))

ILL DO SOME FOR EVERYONE!!! Jeff has50 billion partners we know this

this post got SUPER SUPER long i am so sorry everyonebut these r all like my favorite pairings ever SO…i wanna do them justice. under the cut because of the length!

Jeff x Toby

oh they just Love to mess with eachother and pull pranks on each other. toby especially loves to get at jeff withem. usually ends up making the other one just SO MAD

which then sometimes leads to playfighting .which then might lead to one of them getting pinned to the wall.which might end up in semi-angry makeouts .who knows hehe

parts-of-our-mouths-are-rotting-awaygang . toby likes kissing jeff a lil bit on his exposed teeth cus he thinksit’s funny. jeff acts annoyed by it but it makes him blush a little bit.

they both have the tendency to bekind of self destructive and just in general not doing basic self care stuff. sothey Try to keep a little bit of an eye on each other .they both hate to beover bearing but idk. they just care about each other a lot. And love eachother when they cant love themselves

toby and jeff both can be prettyemotionally explosive , so they try to keep each other as level headed aspossible. distracted and mentally ok so one of them doesn’t completely spiralout of control, though if that were to happen the other one will be there toget a hold of em.

The best way to calm either of themis grabbing a hold of them physically and holding their head in your arms untilthey chill out. Ungraceful maybe but effective and relatively easy.

they’re both pretty troubled, butthey’re trying to get it under control. They’re there for each other no matterwhat.

they like to go up to the humanworld late at night and fuck around. climb on stuff that shouldn’t be climbedon. play in fountains. vandalize shit. that’s date night for them. One day jeffgot ahold of some spray paint and they both went nuts with it, THAT was a goodday

Toby didn’t used to smoke till hemet jeff but now they’re both in it unfortunately aha..jeff kind of regretsgetting him into the habit but not much can be done about it now.

Since meeting Jeff toby’s definitelypicked up his kind of harsh sarcastic humor streak, and jeff’s actually gotten atiny bit nicer, though whether that’s of tobys influence or just the sideeffect of being in love is up for debate. So I guess there was a small exchangethere. They balance out nicely.

they both get beat up and injured alottt on the job, probably the most reckless ones of everyone. despite this,whenever the other one comes home all messed up the other one gets so freakedout and concerned, asking what happened and trying to take care of it. kind ofhypocritical but…they cant help it. 

they really really love each other.they wish they could both be healthier

Jeff x Ben

evenbefore they’re in a relationship they are Very close to each other. So whenthey actually get to dating, you know that’s solid. Nothing can tear themapart.

theywere very much, deeply in love with each other before ever admitting it . theyboth never wanted to say anything in case it ruined their close closefriendship but they both completely gave in eventually

they’rebest friends and best boyfriends at the same time. They’re each othersemotional and mental support. They love and care about each other so much, andare able to take care of each other so well because they so . deeply and intimatelyknow each other already. Yknow from being close for so long already. They reallydo trust each other with everything

it’slike they’re constantly together. They eat and sleep together, spend all daytogether, stay up all night together. It makes them happy, keeps them calm. The longest times they’re apart are when Jeff’s out killing or so injured he has to rest in his own room. 

Jeffhas his periods of really bad depression, and ben makes sure to be there forhim and take good care of him during these times. He’s very very calming andgentle and it keeps jeff calm and safe.

Ben,likewise, has long periods of bad depression too, which jeff helps himthrough. Takes care of him, keeps him distracted and comforted. Keeps himcompany.

Theyreally like to just hold each other and talk each other through things. Theyreally know how to communicate and what the other needs to hear and neverfeel lonely with the other around

Theylike to go out on the roof and smoke weed/cigarettes and kiss, sometimes they talksometimes they don’t. they could spend days alone with just each other.

They’ve known each other longer than they’ve known anyone else who lives there. that bond is special. and honestly, Jeff really is ben’s whole world. ben doesn’t know at all what he’d do without jeff. and jeff doesn’t know what he’d do without ben either. it feels like no one knows them like they know each other.

i guess the one little disconnect they have it ben doesn’t do the regular killing stuff like jeff does. doesn’t really get it. just stays home and does his own thing. sometimes he’s self conscious about it, like since he doesn’t do the same work as everyone else maybe he’s…weaker for it..or something. he doesn’t like to talk about it.

they’ve both been aloneand lonely for so long. Most of their lives really. So now that they have eachother they never ever want to let go

Jeff x EJ

Justas, a first things first, the moment ej sees jeff he already gets such a crushon him right away. It sounds so corny but he thinks jeff’s really the cutestguy he’s ever seen. A real love at first sight moment, even though hedefinitely doesn’t say anything about it at first.

EJ,also, is very much the caregiver type, and jeff desperately needs someone totake care of him, so they are really perfect for each other.

Jeffcan’t help but have a real soft spot for being taken care of , which ej is supposedto be doing for him anyway being the medic and all but still. Since ej’s been basicallyin love with jeff since forever he’s just so extra gentle and caring with himwhenever he’s hurt, it makes Jeff just melt…

I think ej’s very calm comforting level-headed logical personality is the main thing that makes jeff fall so hard for him. While he has other friends who try to help and support him ej actually seems to be the only one out of everyone who isn’t as badly effected by it. like he actually has the mental and emotional capabilities of supporting him. and slowly he just becomes so attached to and dependent on him, and he’s happy to love and support jeff

ej however has his really low points too, which jeff tries to help him through too. he holds ej in his arms and pets his hair or gently pats his back and listens to whatevers bothering him. which is all ej really needs. someone there with him. yknow

ej’svery casually affectionate, Jeff gets plenty of space if he wants but if they happento be around each other he loves to stand behind him and wrap his arms aroundhim, be close to him, touch his hair a little, run the back of his hand overhis cheek…really into light physical affection.

Couplevoted most likely to be caught making out in the closet randomly during the day

Ej isjust so completely in love with jeff, flaws and all, loves giving himattention, talking to him, taking care of him, giving him kisses. It is just embarrassinghow in love he is, even if he tries to only express it in private.

Jeffgets flustered and embarrassed easily with how sweet ej is to him, it stillgets him a little bit pink in the face even after being with him for so long, and tries to reciprocate it too. getting all cuddly and sweet with him when he feels the need to

Jeffloves bringing out ejs more outgoing social side. When they first met he wasvery reclusive and you know, loner-type, but jeff’s very outgoing andcenter-of-attention, so after some encouragement they’re both 100% party boystogether, which ej really needed. Being alone all the time was bad for him

Otherthan all that…They’re very strongly bonded and connected in a way they havetrouble describing. Ej just thinks jeff’s the most perfect man in the wholeworld , and Jeff thinks ej is just. perfect . so understanding and loving and caring and patient. he’s never met someone who puts up with his bullshit so well. and he is in Love

Jeff x Nina

Omg when nina finally gets to see him in person for the first time SHE IS SO EXCITED !!!! Runs up to him and gives him a huge hug, practically scooping him up off the ground !!!

He’s, very stunned at first, but gets his bearings back soon enough

After the initial rushed introduction, he learns why she’s here and he’s actually really flattered?

“You’re here??? For me??? you came all this way here to meet me???”

compliments really are the way to his heart lololol

and while he’s still kind of shocked from the whole thing….she is really cute….so that’s a plus

They spend a long time getting acquainted with each other, but nina naturally probably already knows a lot about him, which really just makes jeff more interested in her 

oh once they actually date for real nina is so happy!!! He’s everything she was hoping for and more!!! the guy of her dreams!!! he’s handsome and protective and cool but also sweet and caring and lets her cuddle up to him!!

Jeff has to come around to the idea first but once they’re dating for real he’s actually really happy too!!! She’s so energetic and sweet. its a much needed brightness to his life, he cant help but kind of fall in love with how affectionate she is. and how absolutely smitten she is with him

at the beginning she is very very clingy, goes everywhere with him,!! and he really does not object. honestly its a bit of an ego boost in addition to how much he really has accidentally fallen for her .

 but she does dial it down after a bit! she’s always just as sweet with him as ever though, as long as he allows it 

she’s actually a tiny bit taller than him, and uses that as an excuse to pick him up a little bit from time to time , which he protests, but she thinks its the cutest thing

she’s a very nurturing type girlfriend, she remembers all the stuff he has to do in a day and is checking in to remember if he’s done it. whenever he’s injured she insists on taking care of him

 EVERYONE notices after they start being together that he’s really cleaned himself up. like he showers regularly??? he’s started brushing his hair??? dressing?? semi-nicely??? he acts the same as ever, he’s just. cleaner. and everyone thinks she’s forcing him to be but actually he’s just started putting more effort in himself to impress his beautiful girlfriend, because he just reasons that she always puts so much care and effort into her appearance he should do, almost the same right?

[writerman]

hi my man i got a prompt request for u if thats ok :) : modern au thranduil is gay and cant drive also he cant do math,,, we need stupid twink representation ;))))))

Thank you for this I need to write something light-hearted after my last prompt! I just want to let you know that I also cannot do maths and had to google the answer to this insanely easy maths problem. Also I can’t drive… because I don’t have a license.

So yah… read into that what you will!

This accidentally ended up being 2k+ words when it was meant to be shorter. Whoops!

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Tires screech followed by a crunch of metal colliding with metal.

A beat of silence before Bard cursed out loud from inside his car.

He'd been rear-ended and it sounded pretty bad, felt it too from the whiplash he was now suffering from being shoved forward by the impact.

Closing his eyes for a moment, Bard took a deep breath before removing his seat belt and climbing out of the car to speak with the other motorist.

Time slowed down for a moment as the most beautiful tall blond creature stepped out of their silver BMW and headed towards Bard looking almost sheepish at the damage to the rear bumper and tail lights.

Don't forgive him just because he's hot! Bard, don't forgive him just because he's hot. Just… don't do it. Boy, don't do it! His brain seemed to have sense but the brunet couldn't trust his mouth so remained silent as the blond approached still looking entirely horrified that he had caused such an incident.

"I'm so sorry…" The blond began, he was well-spoken and seemed genuine in his apology, though Bard wasn't sure he was taking in anything he said.

Clearing his throat Bard looked between his car and the others and sighed as though reluctant to say what he was going to propose to the other.

"I wasn't paying attention at all, and yes, I am well aware that I'm obviously a bad driver for that sole reason, but if you'd be so kind as to hear me out on this," He flipped his long blond hair over his shoulder as he spoke and Bard felt any hope for the situation slowly deflate and dissolve, he was just too in awe of the creature stood before him in a form-fitting grey suit and lavender shirt.... "Let's forget insurance companies and let me pay you for the damage outside of all that legal stuff, yes?"

Was he one of those millionaires that didn't seem bothered by any bill under 10,000?!

It was then that Bard realised the blond probably didn't have insurance. Out of frustration he rubbed at his brow his eyes closed hoping some semblance of sense could be gleaned from the man before him.

Though, really keeping the insurance companies out of this wasn't a bad idea. It could work out assuming this man gave him legitimate contact details.

"My name is Thranduil by the way. Let me… give you my number." He fumbled in his jacket pocket for something before eventually pulling out a phone, Bard followed suit and did the same, they exchanged contact info and Bard confirmed that once he had a price for the repairs he would call or text the blond.

He received a bright smile at this before Thranduil demurely said, "You know, if we hadn't met in such embarrassing circumstances I would have asked you out for a drink."

For a split second Bard was catapulted into a state of shock and he very nearly suggested they should do so anyway but he remembered he was meant to be picking the kids up from his ex-wife's apartment and all his sense and logic came flooding back.

You can't forgive him because he's hot, Bard! This is your brain speaking and you should really REALLY listen.

That was the end of that and Bard dismissed what Thranduil had said with an uneasy laugh before they parted ways.

When he finally made it to Mari's apartment he had to take a seat and explain what happened, and he was completely honest about it all. Even when he considered letting the handsome stranger take him out.

"Oh wow, you've had quite the afternoon then. Wish hot guys would crash into the back of me… wait… no, but still as Sigrid would say 'Big Mood'.

No idea if I'm even using that right." She dismissed her own words by giving a lacklustre flourish of her free hand, the other holding a take out coffee cup.

"He sounds like your type Bard, ya know, hot... and it wouldn't kill you to get out there and date even if he IS a dangerous driver. No one is perfect." Mari shrugged before taking a sip of her coffee. She seemed more understanding of the situation than he but it wasn't like her car had been banged up.

"Yeah… probably not gonna happen. He likely wanted to try and get out of paying for my car. Uh... where are the kids?"

"Not everyone is a skeevy loser trying to rob you, Bard. Kids are still at their swimming class, Jack will be home with them soon." Jack was Mari's husband, they met in Seattle while Mari was away on business, he was an all-round great guy and loved the kids. Bard had no problems with him. They’d shared a few beers and sometimes they talked sports, though Bard generally didn't have much to say on college football because they were in England and Jack hadn't realised that most people didn't care about American sports all that much.

"I suppose I'll hang around until they're back then. Oh… actually, I'll take the car to the garage and see if I can get a quote on how much the repairs will be."

Mari waved him off and he left without another word.

All in all the repairs wouldn't cost all that much. The bumper was heavily scratched and dented but some buffing and a paint job would fix that and the lights were easily replaced. It wouldn't be too expensive and Bard wondered if he should just forget about asking Thranduil to pay for it.

Instantly his brain whirred into gear.

Don't forgive him because he's hot!!!! He did this so he should pay! Don't let the hot man win!

Pulling out his phone Bard composed a text explaining the price of the repairs and that he'd be happy if he just gave him 60% of the bill.

Right away he received a reply.

[Guy That Wrecked My Car] No problem. But what is 60% of £300?

[Guy That Wrecked My Car] It's ok I'll Google it or something.

He's a dumbass that can't drive and can't do math… and, dammit, you think he's hot, Bard. Resist asking him out. RESIST.

[Guy That Wrecked My Car] Maths is so hard. I'm a busy man I don't have time to do this. Can't I just pay the whole £300 and you can buy me a drink or something and we can call it even?

For awhile Bard just blinked down at his phone, this man was clearly adamant in trying to take him out. Still, he knew he had to refuse…

Didn't he?

The phone began to ring and in his surprise Bard almost dropped the device, regaining his grip on it he answered the phone to hear the smooth voice of Thranduil floating through the speaker.

"Didn't you receive my message?"

"Yeah, sure did."

"Well?"

"Just pay me £180 and we're fine."

"What an odd figure to pull out of thin air." Came the annoyed response, Bard nearly hung up.

"Ah, sure, don't know why I even said that." Bard's reply drier than the desert but it went right over Thranduil's head who just huffed again down the phone.

"Well, let's meet up and I'll pay you. I assume cash is alright?"

Man, he sounded like a damn snob on the phone, much less apologetic than earlier and not as peppy as he was in his texts.

Something didn't seem right but Bard didn't really know this man well enough to confirm why so he shrugged it off and agreed on a time and gave him the address of the garage before disconnecting the call.

Weird guy…

When Thranduil showed up he was in an entirely different car than the one involved in the crash, and it took Bard a moment to realise, that in his haste to fix his own car, he hadn’t checked if the blond was ok or if his car had survived.

As he was approached by the beauty it was Bard’s turn to offer a slightly apologetic smile in greeting but it only caused the blond’s brows to knit together in confusion at the sudden tender gesture.

“I didn’t get to ask if you were alright earlier, you might have crashed into me but you still could have been injured on impact… I’m sorry that I didn’t check you or your car.” There was silence between them and for a second Bard believed that his statement may have been completely ignored until a dark pink blush bloomed over Thranduil’s cheeks and he looked away for a moment mumbling that he was fine and there was nothing to worry about.

“See, you say that but you’re in a different car and maybe you’re good at hiding your pain. I would feel better if you absolutely told me the truth. Are you ok?” He tried to offer what he believed to be a gentle smile as Thranduil looked back to him.

“My car was scratched but it remains in one piece and only requires paint to fix it. I am in good health, nothing hurt but my pride… I suppose.”

“Can’t handle crashing into someone and having to deal with it like an adult?” Bard joked he had hoped to coax a smile out of the blond but so far he remained stoic and he wondered if Thranduil had gotten into some trouble for the crash or was just having a really bad day that continued after their incident.

Either way, it didn’t sit well with Bard and he had no idea why.

It shouldn’t really matter to him if Thranduil was in good spirits or not, he was only really there to pay for the damage he had caused by being reckless while driving, whatever he had been doing to cause him to crash into a parked car… it must have been bloody well interesting.

“Strangely, not the reason for my bruised ego, I assure you.”

“It really should be why you’re so embarrassed, to be honest,” Bard muttered quietly as he accepted the cash and scowled when he counted out £300 rather than the agreed 60%- though, truthfully, Thranduil had not agreed to anything but to pay him.

“Do you really not know what 60% of £300 is?” He was counting the bills as he spoke but when he looked up he saw a faint blush creeping over the blond’s pale skin again and he guessed that maths really wasn’t this man’s strong point.

“Calculators were invented for a reason, you know.” Was all Thranduil said and Bard bit back a chuckle though he couldn’t quite hide his smile. Regardless of the way he spoke this man was quite adorable and he had to admit to his credit Thranduil did show up and pay the full amount, most people would have given fake details.

“You really don’t have to pay the full thing.”

“Let me do this, it’s bad enough you won’t let me take you out!” The blond fumed almost pouting like a petulant child over the fact he couldn’t persuade Bard to go out for a drink.

In his defence, he barely knew the guy but then again, getting a drink with him would mean talking and he would get to know him if they met up again. Did- did Thranduil was to take him out on a date that badly?

It wasn’t like Bard hadn’t been struggling to resist asking him out, he had been rendered speechless the second he saw him and even though they had spent a measly 15 minutes together in their entire lives… he did find him sweet.

Perhaps there would be no harm in grabbing coffee with him or a drink maybe even dinner?

Offering Thranduil a lopsided grin he threw his hands up as a gesture of ‘what the hell!’.

“Sure, let’s go out sometime. Coffee, dinner, whatever you want. You have my number let’s talk soon.” With that, he turned on his heel and headed back to the garage leaving a dazed Thranduil stood by his car brimming with excitement.

Mari was probably right.

Not everyone is a skeevy loser trying to rob you.

Sometimes they’re beautiful creatures who can’t drive and can’t do math who want to date you…

[toaarcan]

RvB 15-17 Condensed

The working title for this was “RvB 15-17 but not crap”.

Now, this might seem a little presumptuous to include Season 17 in this, which, at time of writing, has yet to be released, buuuut I’m basically mashing S15 and S16 into a single block which would make S17 actually the sixteenth season in this version. So the rewrite is that Season 17 happens a year earlier.

Now, I have my problems with RvB 15-16.

I don’t want to start off on such a negative tone, but I feel like I need to establish that before we go ahead.

While Season 15 was at worst, a mediocre RvB Season with tonal problems and inconsistent characterisation for our leads, Season 16 is all of those problems made worse. Like, it’s not Season 9 bad, but it’s still bad, and while I’ve mostly covered those issues in past posts, I haven’t really covered how much the setup for the climax is just plain stupid.

Like the setup for the finale, and thus Season 17, is as follows:

Atlus: Don’t do the thing.

Wash: Don’t do the thing.

Huggins: Don’t do the thing.

Carolina: ... Alright guys let’s do the thing.

[Time breaks because they did the thing]

It’s a little more complex than that, but not by much.

Now, I ummed and ahhhed over how to make this work for a while, but ultimately, I came to the conclusion that this is how I would do it.

For starters, 90% of Season 16’s plot is getting dumped. If not all of it. Legitimately all I’m keeping is the ending. Sorry, it’s not exactly a big loss.

Second off, I’m not heavily altering Season 15. While there’s definitely a good Season 5-13 tier plot that could be told with a fake BGC, this isn’t it, and attempting to alter that leads into a completely different set of stories. So Season 15 is mostly unchanged, just assume Temple is actually a competent villain and the plot isn’t driven entirely by the BGC being dumber than usual for a week.

So the timeline is now Season 15 -> Paradox -> Season 17.

We’re also scrubbing Wash’s injury from Season 15. It’s going to be an unnecessary complication for the lead-in to the next season anyway. If we’re going straight for the time paradox, then having Wash be injured is kinda pointless. Given that Season 16 ended on a warped Blood Gulch way before Wash ever showed up, there’s nothing to gain by having him out of action. He’s already imperilled enough by time being fucked.

“But wait,” I hear you say. “If Wash and Locus are with the heroes when they take on the Blues and Reds, surely they catch up to Temple quickly enough that the time machine doesn’t get turned on!”

Ah, but that’s the beauty of it. Whether the time machine is turned on or not is not the focus of the paradox here. And because that’s not a vital plot point, we’re free to have the characters just Travel At The Speed Of Plot, and arrive precisely in time for the actual climax.

You see, rather than changing history around Wash’s injury and thus fucking the timeline up, the key to the paradox is Church. Specifically, what happens when Church is removed from their history because someone pulled him into the present before the events of Blood Gulch really happened.

In the actual show, when Church appears in the portal, Tucker tells Caboose to pull him through, and Caboose refuses, instead bidding farewell to an extremely confused Alpha and allowing the portal to close. It’s a big moment for Caboose’s character, and it’s one of the parts of Season 15 which is pretty well-executed.

Obviously, I’m not going to overturn that and have him not have the growth. So, how does Church end up being pulled through?

“Tucker did it!”

Now, I’m not a big fan of Joe’s Tucker. In fact, that’s an understatement. I hate the way Joe writes Tucker, and I’d rather not fall into that same trap, so I’m going to explain in detail why Tucker would make this mistake.

 1) Tucker just had Epsilon die on him. Inside his head. And at the same time, the other remaining pieces of Epsilon all faded away too. And Tucker didn’t even notice it was happening, by the time he realised what was going in, the fragments were gone and he was left in a very empty and very non-functioning suit of power armour. Given how heavy this armour is, with it non-functioning, Tucker was probably unable to move until his friends removed most of the suit, so he was trapped in a coffin that was emptier than it should’ve been.

2) Struggling to cope with his grief, Tucker does something frankly stupid and activates the Temple of Procreation.

3) A while later, Tucker is starting to recover from his friend’s death, when Dylan shows up and he finds out in short order that A) Someone is committing terrorist acts while disguised as him and his friends, B) The planet he sacrificed so much, and Church gave his life for, is being blamed and might be invaded, and C) Church might be alive. This effectively halts Tucker’s recovery.

4) The consequences of his fuckup with the Temple of Procreation come back to haunt him, and suddenly, something Tucker has always been proud of- that he’s a great father to Junior- is called into question because he’s now an absentee dad to a fuckton of Chorus babies, which deals a blow to the poor man’s ego.

5) Shortly after that, the fiasco where Temple manages to manipulate him happens, and it makes things even worse for him. He should’ve seen through it after Felix, but he didn’t. And now, Wash and Carolina are hurt because of him, and the message from Church was a fake.

6) Finally, after all of this, he’s face to face with Church, and he has the chance to save him, and while maybe he could follow Caboose’s example… there’s one key problem. This isn’t Epsilon, it’s Alpha.

Y’see, there’s a big difference between those two. As has been pointed out before, Epsilon was always kind of a total prick to Tucker. A lot of this can be chalked up to Epsilon’s knowledge of the BGC coming entirely from Caboose, who purposefully left Tucker out of his recounts of their many adventures.

But this isn’t Epsilon. It’s Alpha. Tucker’s best friend, Alpha. Alpha, who went off and died without Tucker being there. Without Tucker ever getting a chance to see him once again. They got separated and one year later, Alpha died, in denial about a fact that Tucker had figured out long ago. Maybe Tucker could’ve helped save Alpha if he’d been there. Maybe Alpha wouldn’t have had to leave the safety of Wash’s suit and end up vulnerable to the emp if someone else had been there to hold the Meta’s attention.

 Tucker decides to save his friend. He’s at the end of his rope and after all the crap he’s been through on this journey, which he set out on because he wanted to save Church, he’s going to damn well save Church.

Additionally, by tying Tucker into the portal scene properly, there’s now a proper narrative throughline from the characters receiving Church’s message to the portal. Caboose has been covered, but Tucker hasn’t.

 Time paradox.

Despite his best intentions and hopefully understandable motives, Tucker has just pulled Alpha-Church out of their history before it even got started. And given how much of Seasons 1-13 was motivated by Church in some form or another… well, they’ve just unmade themselves.

The final twist is that time isn’t rewound to Season 1. We don’t need to see that. Season 1 retreads aren’t needed. If they want to remake Season 1, they should just bite the bullet and do a full remaster of the early Seasons to clean up the audio, rather than forcing new Seasons of the show to ape it.

Instead, we see a Blood Gulch wherein the same amount of time has passed since S1E01, but with none of the elements that Church brought in having happened.

Tex never goes to Blood Gulch. She spends her time hiding from Freelancer and desperately trying to find her other half, whom she was ripped away from and now will never be able to reunite with.

Tucker loses his friend, and is left with Caboose, who already doesn’t like him.

Caboose, for his part, doesn’t get brain damaged by Omega, but he still has his air shut off and Church still convinces him to drink Scorpion fuel, so he’s not doing much better.

Kai probably gets deployed to Blood Gulch faster, since Blue team is undermanned. She’s stuck in an empty box canyon with the rest of them.

York lives on, not getting recruited by Tex, until the Meta comes for him. The Meta takes Delta and leaves York to die alone.

Wyoming is not sent after Tucker, and doesn’t get the chance to formulate the plan with Omega.

Junior is never born.

Because Wyoming’s plan doesn’t happen, Wash is left to try and combat the Meta without the aid of the Reds and Blues. He fails.

The Meta remains free to hunt down and murder its former comrades. Like Tex, it ends up searching endlessly for the Alpha, which it will not find.

Without the Project’s downfall, and without Epsilon’s activation, Carolina remains in hiding.

The Director remains in hiding, endlessly repeating his attempts to perfect his remake of Allison. He never finds the answer.

Chorus is destroyed by perpetual civil war, all according to Hargrove’s design.

And as the galaxy darkens, people who would’ve been friends die or are left alone to rot, and the Project that put them there tears itself apart until only Tex, the Meta, Carolina, and the Director remain, scattered to the winds and pursuing impossible tasks, Blood Gulch remains. Its purpose is lost without Alpha, and the Project is gone, but with no new orders, VIC perpetuates the “war” between Red and Blue teams, and so it goes on. Static. Unchanging.

Cue the ending, and the setup for the next season. A Blood Gulch without Church.

[thecrimsonarcher]

The Zion Mountain Chronicles--Prelude to a Fall, Willow’s Testimony, Part 2

The last public execution was held a few months prior to the Incident. There was a group of teenage girls walking around the town square, laughing and cutting up as kids that age would normally do. I recognized the girls almost instantly. They'd sometimes come into the library to do research for a class project. They were never disrespectful or crass to anyone else who was using the library at the time. They were always polite and considerate of others, which was what made this act of violence so reprehensible. They were walking around the corner of town square, where Main Street intersected with Bank Street. At the exact same time, there was at least 3 or 4 of the Legion soldiers patrolling the area. I'm not sure who was at fault, but that matter is completely irrelevant now. One of the girls accidentally bumped into one of the soldiers, causing him to fly into a rage. I saw all of it unfolding from the front door at the library. We were right across the street from where it happened. The girl apologized several times for what she had done, adding that she was not paying attention. The soldier, however, was having none of it.

I'll never forget her name, Maddie Garren. She was 16 years old at the time, a junior at the Zion Mountain High School. Her friend, Chelsea Moore, died trying to protect her. She was Maddie's age and was also a junior at the high school.

The soldiers grabbed her by the hair of her head, pulling her across the pavement like a rag doll. She had long, blonde hair, from what I could remember. This poor girl, she kept screaming at them to stop, to let go of her. They were hurting this innocent child because a group of grown men could not overcome their own personal superiority and accept her apology. Everyone on the streets were silent, afraid to speak up or do anything to make it stop. Her friends tried to run to her aide despite the risk it posted to themselves, shouting at them to let her go. But....they did not let her go. They would not let her go. Someone had to pay for insulting their fragile pride and their delicate ego and that someone was Maddie Garren, along with her friend, Chelsea Moore.

She was covered in scrapes from the pavement and her hair was matted with blood. The soldiers had pulled her so violently they had ripped out a large chunk of her hair, along with some of her scalp. The Legion were abnormally strong despite mostly being reanimated corpses, which I believe is why no one even tried to step up and help. We were terrified of the soldiers, living in fear of their constant presence in town. Just what would happen if we stepped in? Those Good Samaritans would suffer the same fate as the girl, maybe even worse. That's how they were able to effectively keep us in our place, to prevent us from stepping out of line.

One of her friends[Chelsea Moore] tried in vain to make the soldier stop his brutality by coming up to him from behind and hitting him as hard as she could with a loose brick she had found on the sidewalk. Each hit did not make the soldier flinch, EXCEPT for when she struck him at the base of his neck, which appeared to have caused him to be in a lot of pain. He stopped striking Maddie for a moment, crying out in agony with this almost inhuman sounding scream at where the girl had hit him.

This one could actually talk, fitting Kevin's description of the Series 2 troops. He grabbed her by the throat, hoisting her high above his head as if she were a ragdoll, and threw her on the pavement as hard as he could. Even from where I was standing, I could hear this loud crunch or popping sound as she hit the ground. She couldn't cry out because the force of her hitting the ground knocked the wind out of her. He must have broken one of her bones or several. I wanted so badly to come to their aid, but I couldn't risk getting killed. Looking back, I wished I did. Even though I was defiant when it came to preserving our history, I was still very terrified of the Legion. You have to understand--everyone who was not part of the Order of the Southern Sky was frightened by them. Whenever someone dons a uniform, they automatically command fear and authority, often using it to their advantage to inspire "respect" through intimidation. They didn't necessarily need to raise a hand against anyone. Anyone they deem to be "beneath" them cowered in fear, knowing the outcome of their encounter wouldn't be favorable. That's how it was. I know that if you're reading this in the future, you might not understand. Maybe you will.

Right after he slammed the girl to the ground, he began to viciously berate her, calling her every derogatory name he could possibly think of.

"If you ever touch me again, you will be joining your friend. Do you understand me? This is something that doesn't concern you. She has committed a crime against the Order and she must pay for her transgressions!"

"What crime?" I can remember the girl[Chelsea] yelling. Even though she had been injured, she displayed no fear of this thing masquerading as a human. All she could see was their injustice and nothing else. "All she did was bump into you. She said she was sorry several times. It's not like she did it on purpose!"

"She was in direct violation of Code 7-7C. To bring blatant disrespect to the Legion is an offense punishable by death. To disrespect the Legion is to bring dishonor to our Lord and Savior, Kalona!" That's exactly how he said it. I'll never forget how cold and robotic he sounded, a tone made even more chilling by the gas mask covering his face. Just how many times had he repeated those words over the years? Part of me fears the answer--just how many died at the hands of the Legion prior to the Incident? I feel we'll never know the truth.

The girl wouldn't let up, fearlessly defending her friend in the face of so much danger. "You mean to tell me bumping into you is worse than killing someone? Can you even hear yourself talk? You think killing her is going to make us learn our lesson?"

Her words must have struck a nerve because in that moment, he absolutely lost whatever composure he had left and started savagely kicking her sides and beating her with the butt of his rifle, yelling, "I have tried to show you mercy, but you have given me no other choice, you ungrateful third class whore!" Chelsea was 16 years old. For a grown man to think it was okay to call a young woman a whore was just deplorable and disgusting. Regardless of whether they had been brainwashed into doing the Order's bidding or not, it was not acceptable.

While this was going on, I could hear Maddie screaming at the top of her lungs, pleading for the soldier to leave Chelsea alone. She was all bloody and barely able to sit up. But they would not listen. As I said before, their pride and enormous ego was far more important than human decency. That was the true beatitude of the Order of the Southern Sky, to treat those who they had deemed as beneath them to worthy of only one thing--to be erased from existence. Unfortunately, they succeeded....to a certain extent. 12 of us survived in spite of their desires to scrub the slate clean and the 12 of us will make sure to speak up no matter the repercussions.

One of the soldiers forcefully grabbed Maddie by the arm, jerking her up to her knees. I'm guessing he was a Series 1 because he did not say anything to her. He only loomed above her with his rifle pointed at the back of her head. He made some sort of hand gesture to the other soldiers(I'm assuming he was trying to communicate with them), who in return made similar gestures. Whatever was said between them, he didn't move from his spot.

Chelsea was fading in and out of consciousness by this time, completely unresponsive from the brutal beating she had experienced. The soldier grabbed her by the arm and dragged her limp body across the pavement, stopping right next to Maddie, who was inconsolable. She tried reaching for her, but the soldier behind her took his rifle and slammed it down on her shoulder, causing her to collapse, only to be jerked up again. By then, I stood in the doorway of the library, sobbing at how unfair our situation was. They say the sights of hell are never seen or known. To us, living in Zion Mountain was the same as living in hell. Towards the end, this became an everyday occurrence. People were brutally murdered for alleged crimes that amounted to nothing more than little things that could easily be solved with little effort, in most cases, being an apology.

"Citizens of Zion Mountain! By the decree of the Order of the Southern Sky, we will pass judgement on those who deem it necessary to bring shame upon   the Legion. For the crime of assault against an officer, a direct violation of Code 7-7C, we have no other choice but to carry out their punishment as we see fit. To disrespect the Legion is to disrespect our Lord and Savior! To disrespect our Lord and Savior is an offense we cannot ignore!" I can remember those chilling words, even as I'm writing this out. I'm shaking at the very thought of it. As he was saying this, he drew out a handgun from his side holster and pressed it against the back of Chelsea's head. I could hear Maddie sobbing, begging for him to reconsider what he was about to do. But he would not listen. He was an inhuman monster whose heart was made of stone and not once did he regret anything he had done on the behalf of his wealthy masters. He was programmed to behave this way, to act without thinking.

"On the behalf of the Order of the Southern Sky, I hereby sentence them both to death! If anyone chooses to intervene with protocol, you will be charged with treason! You will meet the same end as them!" And with that, he executed his protocol, shooting her without single ounce of remorse in the back of the head. It seemed as though Zion Mountain was completely silent in that moment in time, collectively gasping in horror at how far the Order had fallen. Perhaps they did not have very far to fall, but....what little part of me had still clung on to the delusion of our small town being watched over by an all powerful God....it all swept away the moment Chelsea Moore met her end in the town square. It was all so callous, so cruel. He pulled the trigger as if it were nothing, as if it were the easiest task he could accomplish. As soon as she hit the ground, dead, Maddie let out this loud, ungodly wail that absolutely broke my heart. The soldier jerked her by the arm and put the gun against her temple.

Right before he pulled the trigger for a second time, he asked her to explain herself, to tell him why she did such a horrible thing and dared to walk in his direction--"Is there anything you'd like to say for yourself, you traitorous bitch?  You'd better. It's best you do it now so you won't have to live with any regrets."

To this day, her reply still stuns me because of how eerily prophetic it was--"I'm not a traitor. You are. All of you are. How can you call yourselves servants of God if all you want to do is hurt other people and kill them because you can't understand them and they can't understand you? Do you think he'd be happy? Do you think he'd be happy with this? If anyone around here has committed any crime, it's you and the Order! I think the biggest crime you've committed is believing you're right and using it as an excuse to do horrible things to people!"

"Why do you insist that we are cruel? If it weren't for the Order, you would be nothing. We offer you protection! We offer you a meaningful existence! Without us, you wouldn't know the true nature of God! You would be nothing more than godless heathen whose sole purpose in this world is to die. If anything, you should be grateful for all we have done for you. You should be grateful for your pain I have given you, but....if you feel that way, I have no other choice. You're beyond salvation and for that, you need to die."

Just like that, he pulled the trigger, and it was followed by silence, save for the sound of her body collapsing onto the pavement in dead weight.

I'd rather not discuss the details of what watching them die was like because it was a very traumatic experience, even with all the counseling and years of therapy. The only thing I can say is that after they were finished, the soldiers took their bodies and headed in the direction of the church. As a warning against anyone who harbored "traitorous" thoughts, they did not clean up the execution site. For several days afterwards, there was a big bloodstain on the pavement, along with brain matter and bloodied chunks of matted hair. The rain finally came on a Sunday morning, washing it all away. While their spilled blood was gone, the stains from those evil deeds remained, even until the very end. We were not allowed to talk about it. We were not allowed to acknowledge it. We simply had to move on with this lingering threat above our heads. No one knew what was about to happen to, not even until the final days."

--Testimony from Willow McKinley, former librarian at the Zion Mountain Public Library

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

ASM v4 #23 Stream of consciousness thoughts

This is something of a stream of consciousness writing so apologies.

Let me get this out of the way first. Slott references a famous Gene Wilder movie and has a line where a character thinks it’s too soon to do that.

 I think that’s fine.

 What is less fine is making a throw away gag in a superhero comic book about bringing a beloved real life dead person back to life less than a year after he died. Thats in bad taste.

  I’m gonna address Gwen collectively so let me cover other stuff for now.

 Peter says loved ones NEVER come back? Uh huh, what Mary Jane from Howard Mackie’s run?

 Or Uncle Ben from alternate universes like Spider-Verse which Slott wrote?

 Or Harry Osborn who’s resurrection was explained in a story Slott also wrote.

 Or Aunt May who died in the 1990s Clone Saga which Slott is using as reference for this entire story!

 God!

  So George Stacy...no.

 YES I get George might’ve bent the rules for Peter’s sake. YES I get that George must’ve trusted Peter a shitton to know his secret and still have allowed him to see his daughter without telling Gwen (bad parenting as it may or may or not have been).

  But I’m sorry...what goddam parent knows their child’s lover lives a potentially dangerous life and upon learning their child straight up DIED due to that life still trusts their kid’s lover?

 I know nothing like that can happen in real life, but if you imagine that Peter is like a secret agent with lots of enemies and George knew about this but trusted him with Gwen’s life all the same. And then Gwen gets grievously injured or crippled or put into a coma as collateral damage from Peter and one of his enemies fighting; with Peter in fact accidentally dealing the injury because he makes a mistake in saving her.

 At that point George’s faith in Peter should be gone. Peter lied and hurt George’s baby. Accident or not he should no longer like or at least trust Peter.

  I’m again writing this as stream of conciousness and as such have written some notes applying to specific pages and others which jump around or address the depiction collectively. Apologies.

Gwen forgiving Peter for his role in her death/betraying her.

  Hmm...I must begrudgingly admit that don’t actually disbelieve this...at least not entirely.

 Gwen’s first clone had to have known the circumstances of her death and didn’t seem to hold a grudge against Peter over it, whether it was his lying to her or his accidentally snapping her neck.

 That being said, Gwen’s first clone lived her life in a state of either denial of her being a clone, believing herself to be an entirely different person called Joyce Delany and didn’t have memories of her actual death. I find it questionable that someone who upon her death is learning her beloved boyfriend had lied to her the whole time and now here she was dying at least partially because of him and his deception would forgive him for it, at least so easily.

 Mary Jane knew what she was getting into. And whilst you could say Peter had valid reasons for keeping his life a secret from Gwen for a time, if you were the one who actually experienced a traumatic betrayal and injury (or death as it may be) all at the same time because of someone you loved in your life it’s going to take you some time to get over it, if your ever going to get over it.

 Gwen’s clone here though seems to have done it unrealistically quickly. You could say maybe Ben put in a good word for Peter and made Gwen understand where he was coming from. But that’s a MASSIVE presumption to make off the back of zero evidence. And I still struggle to really believe it. Especially when you consider this Gwen is still physically and mentally 20 years old at most and for her her father’s death wasn’t that long ago at all. An extra layer of betrayal.

 As for what this means for Gwen and Peter’s relationship had she lived that’s very tricky. On the one hand this Gwen has learned the truth and forgiven Peter, even seeing friendly towards him, loving at one point even. Does this mean she would’ve accepted him and his life?

 I don’t know. Gwen and Gwen’s first clone’s initial reactions to learning Peter was Spider-Man (ASm #87, Spec annual 1988) was horror and hysterics. She presumed the worst and codified in her mind that Peter was Spider-Man the man who killed her father, not that Spider-Man the man who killed her father was actually her beloved boyfriend Peter. Gwen’s clone later went on to marry Miles Warren ‘s clone and seemed untrusting of Peter/Spider-Man/Scarlet Spider at first. But that Gwen had lived a whole separate life for 3-5 years.

 I don’t know, the hysterical wet blanket Gwen we knew from the silver age seems unlikely to be this chill about all this. Unless you want to say the experience of dying and coming back to life and seeing her father alive again has changed her, which realistically isn’t unreasonable. If nothing else it will change your perspective about life. Again though, there is little in this story which tacitly acknowledges or hints at any of that as a reason for this vastly different characterization of Gwen and that makes it too big of a presumption for us to make.

 At the same time Gwen might’ve held Peter to account for killing her father and and herself, but through the actions of the Jackal both of those things have been reversed. That is going to likely affect anyone thinking about holding a grudge over a slight done to them or their family. Gwen has her father back which makes her happy and she’s gotten a second chance at life herself, courtesy of someone who is in a sense Peter himself. Which might also affect how Gwen views Peter’s deception.

 But had Peter merely saved the real Gwen and had she learned of his identity would she have accepted and forgiven him for his deception and role in her father’s death, even if he explained? I really don’t know. There a shitton of variables at play here which make Gwen doing that more possible.

 This is on top of her own perception of herself as an individual fundamentally changing. She’s a clone but has been told she isn’t and has to bear in mind that coming back to life this way and needing this pill doesn’t make her any different. And she’s relying upon the Jackal/Ben Reilly to stay alive, to keep her family intact and so on. I don’t really buy many of these characters, Gwen included would be onboard with Ben’s plan here but I think either he has some hold over them, or they are desperate to stay alive through having his pills or maybe in their own heads they have such a deep seated NEED to regard themselves as real they are going along with Ben’s plan because mentally it validates them.

 That being said though...Gwen’s FIRST clone who didn’t remember dying but had more or less all of Gwen’s memories (including George’s death) at the very end of the first Clone Saga acknowledged that she was not the same person as Gwen Stacy. She reaffirmed that knowledge twice in the course of her life.

 So logically you’d expect that THIS Gwen clone would feel the same way because like the first Gwen clone she also thinks and feels identically to Gwen when she was alive. In fact moreso because for most of her time with Peter when she was alive Gwen didn’t know he was Spider-Man, something that held true for the first Gwen clone in the 1970s clone saga.

                 Now, to a certain extent Slott sort of hints that maybe this Gwen’s experiences have shaped her into a different person when he says she doesn’t find alternate dimensions weird because she’s been resurrected. But....i honestly do not think that that is enough to validate much else about her change in personality.

  Moving on...Peter isn’t as affected by seeing Gwen alive again because he’s been here before. That makes sense up until you think about how he’s ALWAYS reacted badly to seeing Gwen’s clones alive and well. Granted in the 1990s clone saga other things were weighing on his mind but when he gets upset the first and second time he meets Gwen clones and then also a third and fourth time that’s when you say he’s just like this. So no, like every other reaction he and every other character has had in this story he shouldn’t be this chill at all.

  Gwen calling Spider-Gwen ‘so young’...dude...Gwen died at age 20 tops. Spider-Gwen is at least 18-19. What is this ‘she’s so young’ bullshit? Biologically they are practically the same age.

 And Peter saying they are so alike in a lot of ways...either this is shite writing because no they really aren’t, or it’s confirmation that Peter looked at Gwen with a weird nostalgia filter and forgot what she was really like.

    See this page goes towards what i was saying above, how Gwen’s actions and personality in this story are hinged upon a NEED for validation of herself as real. First of all in the Marvel Universe souls are literal things and we’ve seen Gwen in the afterlife even whilst her clones were alive on Earth proving that no they are entirely separate entities. Second of all Ben Reilly could use an identical process to create MULTIPLE Gwens who also remember everything up to and including their point of death.

 So how the fuck does this make any of these resurrected people the real deals if you can Xerox countless people identical to you? If there are 20 Gwen’s who remember their lives up until the bridge then they can’t ALL be the real Gwen.

 And Gwen being someone who studied science with Warren SHOULD know this. She even presumed it when she was first awoken in CC #1. But here she is furiously denying it, again despite her first clone NOT doing that.

 I think this is due to her not wanting to believe or regard herself as a clone and to want to be the real deal. Ben told her she was really Gwen Stacy when she first awoke and Gwen’s first clone wasn’t exactly happy about knowing she was a copy. Between that and her father being back it makes sense that she’d desperately WANT to believe she is the real deal because if she allows herself to believe otherwise her own ego or sense of self-worth and identity would shatter and it’d also mean reaccepting her father as dead and gone.

 All of which would be an interesting aspect to Gwen’s clone (way more interesting that the real Gwen’s character) but between the subtext of the story and Slott’s own interviews its obvious the intention here is actually that we’re supposed to regard Gwen and everyone else as the real people. Her dialogue even evokes the idea of someone arguing about transgender identity of something, about how no one gets to define their own identity but themselves.

 The problem being that in this case it goes well beyond a social issue into matters of cold hard science. Gwen in this story is NOT the real Gwen. She is a clone and a copy. We know this from multiple Spider-Man and MU stories in the past but more than this we know it because of the raw mechanics of the scientific processes used to create this version of Gwen. By every definition this is cloning, plain and simple.

 Gwen’s memories of her life don’t change that. Ben Reilly remembered everything about Peter’s life up to a point too. So did the first Gwen clone.

   Peter was going to tell Gwen his secret? Er...no he wasn’t. In ASM #100 he even outright states how hard it would be to maintain his secret when he and Gwen got married. He considered telling Gwen for a while AFTER her fther died but renegaded on that fairly quickly. Youthful naivete sure, but nevertheless Peter is straight up lying here.

  Gwen dying feeling betrayed continues to be utterly mean spirited and a reductive change to a classic story. Establishing she didn’t HATE Peter doesn’t solve the problem merely alleviating it somewhat. At the same time though I buy she still loved Peter but only because she was so confused and mixed up at that point in time.

  Gwen understanding why Peter kept his secret...I don’t know if that = “she understands and accepts it and would’ve stayed with him thereafter” or if it’s just like Mary Jane in Superior #31. As in she understands where Peter is coming from but doesn’t want to be a part of his life regardless and feels there is too much negativiety there.

 However I do buy Gwen understanding why Peter maintained a secret, I just question if she’d condifiy in her mind that Peter was Spider-Man rather than Spider-Man was Peter if you see what I mean. Her Dad being a cop and such means I think she’d get why Peter would HAVE a secret identity and why he’d keep it from her for a certain amount of time. Had they been together longer and gotten more serious or had they moved further ahead with getting engaged and married then that would be different and she shouldn’t so readily accept his continued deception under those circumstances.

  Gwen saying she knew MJ was waiting in the wings for her and Peter to hook up...bullshit.

 Mary Jane had over the course of her life managed to perfect a facade which fooled most anyone. How the Hell could Gwen have really been able to see past that to her inner nature and see that she and Peter would be a great match and that given the chance would hook up and be happy. Let alone Gwen of all people when you look at her relationship with MJ and Peter and her attitude towards MJ’s flirtations with him, secretly shipping them or whatever the fuck Slott’s implying here. Bottom line Gwen wouldn’t want Peter and MJ to hook up and wouldn’t have been able to figure out they’d be a good match for one another. She might figure with Gwen gone MJ would swoop in but it wouldn’t be a positive thing.

 And yes Peter you and MJ were happy together until Quesada and Slott himself conspired to uncharacteristically and unrealistically fuck that up.

    Gwen shut the fuck up seriously. You knew Peter for like maybe 2 years, you’ve got no training in psychology and you found out this massive secret about who Peter was which fundamentally changes how you look at him like 5 months ago.

 You are in no position to be making judgement calls about his inner nature for fuck’s sake.

 This is on top of the fact that Peter clearly DOES let himself be happy in spite of being Spider-Man because he dated and wanted to marry you!

 That alone disproves her own asinine argument and saves me from having to cite stuff like ASM #500, his relationship with MJ and countless other shit. Peter can’t live without his pain? Yeah, THAT’S why he wishes he could do over his mistakes right? Why he’s tried to quit so often and even been happy when he has done that. Because knowing he killed his Dad and first love is so comforting right?

 Christ, the interpretation that Peter deliberately sabotages his own life is so toxic and wrong for who the character actually is.

 So shut the fuck up Gwen.

  And see above for why Gwen’s bullshit about the memories and lives of clones doesn’t stop them from being clones.

 And again, Gwen is in denial here because there is no way that resurrecting people can be the ‘right thing for the right reasons’. Hello Gwen, Ben Reilly has been driven nuts by dying over and over again. He’s not in his right mind!

 I don’t know what the fuck the kiss was supposed to mean. It seems like exploitative shipping or pandering or a shock value move but in terms of what it means for the conversation....I’m at a loss.

 Does Peter think Gwen is the real deal now because she kissed him? Does it confirm that she isn’t?

 If its the former this is bullshit because remember he kissed and held the first Gwen clone too but still accepted the real Gwen as dead and the clone as not the real deal.

 Also is it not kind of icky to have a maybe a 19 year old kissing a maybe 30+ year old?

 And then we get tot he nonsense about why Pete wears his mask. Yeah he wears it for more than hiding his identity and protecting his loved ones. It gives him a certain amount of confidence but what the Hell is Slott trying to say here?

 That he hides his emotions by wearing that mask because he really doesn’t...at all. And again where the Hell does Gwen get off analysing Peter like this? Not only are her observations wrong but she literally doesn’t know him well enough to be attempting this.

 So again...George is out of character here. This isn’t bending the rules this is him having been indoctrinated into a cult basically. And worse he’s concerned about his daughter’s well being despite earlier being aokay with trusting Peter despite his having killed his daughter in the first place. Wtf?

 Long story short

 a)      Clone Conspiracy Gwen’s life experiences are so massively different to the real Gwen that you cannot use her to say much of anything about the real Gwen

b)      This story has a narrative breaking lack of explanation as to how Silver Age Gwen transforms into someone with the personality of CC Gwen. Particulalry in regards to realistic human reactions to trauma

c)       George Stacy is OOC

d)      The premise of what a clone is continues to be fucked up

[ruffsficstuffplace]

The Keeper of the Grove (Part 1)

Note: The following is an experiment in a spontaneously written fanfic. It will likely never be finished and is just being done for fun, and to give this blog a bit of a revival.

The wind that takes your last breath.

The blur you see before your eyes close for the last time.

The caretaker of Nature’s delicate balance, the whisperer in the ear of all great mortals who thought themselves divine, the death knell of all that ever lived:

The Keeper of the Grove.

Weiss had heard all of the stories, seen the art, the plays inspired by her--it was impossible not to, seeing as the twin peaks of the Viridian Valley always loomed over the horizon. Candela may have prided itself as the realm’s capital of Science, Technology, and Reason, but it would seem that even the most faithless and coldly logical people of Avalon could not resist the allure of a good yarn.

She had always thought the Keeper moronic, the stuff of fireside tales told to gullible children, fiction invented by hunters and adventurers returning to town with no game and wounded egos.

Now, with her cadre of elite bodyguards all lying on the ground unconscious, holding bleeding gashes, or nursing slashed wrists; their weapons sliced apart or rendered useless; and her back to a copse of trees perfectly shaped for cornering prey, Weiss realized that the Keeper was real.

All too real.

With nothing else to do except await her inevitable execution, Weiss decided to get a good look at her.

She was smaller than she expected.

Much smaller.

The stories always depicted her as looming several times larger than that of a fully-grown man, the shadow she cast stretching far past the fools and fortune seekers who dared trespass her land, a wicked figure with long, gnarled limbs, perfect for bounding after prey and catching them just before they broke out of the trees and to safety.

But the figure in front of her? She looked more like a little girl, barely older than 10, if she went by human standards.

And she did not look nearly as terrifying. The artists and tapestry weavers always made sure to pay special, loving attention to the Keeper’s visage, a hideous creature, like the bastard child of a rat, a deer, and a wolf; she had jaws perpetually slavering, fangs dripping with fresh blood and the remains of her latest victim, and yet more viscera proudly hanging from her twisted horns if they were feeling particularly gruesome. And if there was one thing they always made sure to keep, however simplified and caricatured the image, it was her eyes:

Glowing red orbs that pierced into your own, into your soul.

Weiss could see nothing even remotely suggesting something as vicious, even if the hood pulled over her face and the angle of the moonlight hid her features.

The one thing that they did get right was her scythe: a massive, ancient branch, gnarled and twisted, yet also meticulously sanded and shaped, stretching far above the Keeper’s head, with a wicked curved blade that glinted in the moonlight, looking not unlike a serial killer about to enjoy killing you for a long, long time.

Weiss wasn’t looking forward to knowing how exactly it felt like to get killed by it--if the stories were anything to go by, it only hurt if you were hit by a glancing blow or the Keeper intentionally missed.

That it felt like “having a piece of your soul ripped apart, little by little” was not a comforting thought, however.

The Keeper raised her weapon up into the air, the blade catching the light of the moon, glowing so brightly Weiss had to shield her eyes.

In that moment, she prayed to whatever deities were listening, hoping that they would find some way to tell Winter how much she loved her, how thankful she was for everything she’s done, and also that their father was an asshole and she would never, ever love him, even in death.

Thunk.

Weiss waited for the whoosh through the air, the brief pain of cold steel on warm flesh, whatever waited for her in the Aether, if it really did exist.

“Hi!” she heard a young, chipper voice say. “I realize this is going to sound really weird and make you super suspicious, since I just creamed your guards and all, but: could you open your eyes? It feels really weird talking to you while you’ve got them squeezed shut like that.”

Weiss reluctantly obeyed. The scythe was no longer raised up in the air; instead, it was planted firmly on the ground, blunt-end first. The Keeper was still looming in front of her, but her hood was down. She looked as young as she sounded, and infinitely more harmless and friendly than even the most sympathetic depictions Weiss had seen.

“Thanks~” the Keeper said, the deer ears sprouting from her almost-completely human head twitching happily. “Look, I understand that you humans are always looking for more resources and power to grow even bigger, make more cool stuff, and feed your kids and keep the lights on in your cities on...”

“... But we Fae also REALLY like not being killed, not having our home set on fire or flattened, not having our entire culture and history erased just like that--you know, things you humans don’t like having done to you, too.

“So, if you could just promise you’ll leave, and tell whoever started this expedition to never come back, I won’t have to kill every single one of you.”

The Keeper smiled and held out her free hand.

Fleshy, soft, and with four fingers and a thumb.

Nothing even remotely close to the wicked, razor sharp claws of legend.

And really, just like Weiss’ own hand.

“Deal?” the Keeper asked, still smiling.

Weiss stared at her hand for a long, long time. Her eyes strayed to the guards--gathered around her crashed carriage, unarmed or crippled, looking helplessly at her and the Keeper.

“Some of the best of the best,” her father had told her as they walked in between their two lines, every soldier standing at attention in perfect, precise angles. “Few can stand against their might, and in the unlikely event that they face a foe they can not crush like a bug, know that they are more than ready to lay their lives down to ensure your safety.”

Her father saw them as tools, assets, numbers on a spending report, certainly a bother if they happened to be killed, but not an amount he couldn’t recoup in time, and for sure there was another elite guard waiting to replace them.

Weiss saw them for what they were: men and women who earned their living through bloodshed and violence, some with families, some with lovers, all of them with plenty more fight left in them, if they didn’t throw it away for some stupid cause--or someone else sealed their fate for them.

She was hesitant to shake her hand, partly because of the events that had just transpired, mostly because it was also covered in mud, sap, grass, and fresh blood.

But it was either needing to wash her hands for hours after she got back to civilization, or forfeiting all of their lives for her father’s escapades, and her own foolishness.

“Deal,” Weiss said as she took it.

The Keeper smiled as they shook. “Great!” She pulled her hand back, stuck her fingers into her mouth, and whistled. “Get them out of here, everyone!” she cried.

Weiss and her guards flinched as the nearby bushes and the branches all rustled and shook. Some of them screamed as more humanoid creatures like the Keeper swarmed around the carriage, pushed it back upright from sheer force of numbers before some of them went to work on the engine and the chassis, and the rest loomed intimidatingly over the guards, as if they were daring them to just try and make one final stand, see how well that works out for them.

Mere minutes later, Weiss was back in the carriage, now much less roomy and spacious that she was sharing it with the worst injured of the guards--thankfully still alive, even if their futures as mercenaries dubious if they didn’t get proper medical attention soon. The rest rode on the roof or walked alongside it, making notes to themselves to never accept a job in the Viridian Valley ever again, and to demand vastly increased hazard pay.

In the stories, anyone foolish enough to make a deal with the Keeper of the Grove was only delaying the inevitable and dragging more unfortunate souls down with them when their time came, making an already bad situation worse through their own greed and self-interest.

But then again, those same stories also assumed that the Keeper was fiction, a myth, and probably some vicious pack of wolves than an actual, living, breathing being.

Weiss dearly hoped that wasn’t the only thing they’d gotten wrong.

[a-lil-bi-furious]

Hey there

Favourite supergirl episodes from any season?

Hello!! Thank you so much for the ask! I have...a lot, so bear with me. I'll list them by season and give brief reasons why. 

Season 1 

My favorite season. Love every episode, but especially:

1x06 "Red Faced" - Kara’s faceoff with Red Tornado is what officially sold me on loving the show. I hadn’t seen a female lead allowed to express rage and power (while still being a soft/kind person) like that.

1x07 "Human for a Day" - Kara being baffled and injured because she’s never been powerless on Earth before, but still insisting on saving people? Successfully talking down a man with a gun knowing she might die?? 1000/10

1x08 "Hostile Takeover" - That emotional scene when she confronts Alura’s hologram about what happened on Krypton, gets no answers, and just...heat-visions the hologram because she’s so upset. Also her scenes talking with Astra beforehand were so good.

1x12 "Bizarro" - Just a good ep! I love that every time someone tries to use someone against Kara  she just like...changes their mind by being herself. And also how intent she is on saving Bizarro, not punishing her.

1x13 "For the Girl Who Has Everything" - The black mercy and the hallucinations were interesting, but also Astra’s emotional death scene with Kara. I appreciated how much they highlighted that Astra loves Kara and, even if misguided, truly believed she was doing what was best.

1x16 "Falling" - Red kryptonite Kara!! (and that turtleneck 👀😍) Need I say more? (And her breakdown at the end when she realizes what she’s done 😭)

1x20 "Better Angels" - Her “dare to hope” speech is everything.

Season 2

Wasn’t a fan of many of the changes made with the network switch, but still excellent. Especially enjoyed:

2x04 "Survivors" - The underground alien fight ring was interesting! I’m also obsessed with Roulette even though she’s a horrible, terrible person. I blame the sexy snake tattoo.

2x10 "We Can Be Heroes" - J’onn and M’gann’s storyline is so important to me, and this is like...the penultimate episode of it, because J’onn has been so angry about discovering M’gann is a white martian, but this is the episode he starts to realize that he endured great trauma and lost everything at the hands of white martians, but that doesn’t mean white martians are bad by virtue of being white martians. She reminds him that it’s valid and understandable for him to hate them for what happened, but to do so indiscriminately by virtue of species is no better than the white martians’ reasoning for the enslavement and genocide of green martians.

2x15 "Exodus" - The scene when Kara stops that giant deportation space ship gives me chills, makes me cry, the works. I love the scenes where she’s screaming and you can barely hear it over the music, but you can just see that she’s pouring everything she has into what she’s doing. And Alex’s hand on the window and just...the Danvers sisters of it all!! I love.

2x22 "Nevertheless She Persisted" - Two reasons: 1. Kara beating Superman (and a Superman hopped up on silver kryptonite no less!) in a fight. 2. The scene at the end when she’s lost Mon-El and she’s flying up above National City with “Small World” playing.

Season 3 

Really enjoyed the Reign plotline! Hard for me to remember favorite eps, but I do remember really liking:

3x04 “The Faithful” & 3x19 “The Fanatical” - The cult following elements of both of these were very interesting.

3x07 “Wake Up” - Great episode to really get into Sam’s transformation into Reign. Also love how she’s warming up to the idea of being an alien, and she’s so excited to do good...only to have this entire setup for her to be a world killer.

3x17 “Trinity” - That weird dark dimension Sam was stuck in was intriguing and the way it showed what all was going on with the world killers and their alter-egos was cool. 

Season 4 

Overall hard to watch. A little too close to reality, but I really liked:

4x03 “Man of Steel” - I actually really liked the way they showed how someone can go from ally to extremist because they had a genuine grievance, but spiraled until everything they believed/did was no longer justifiable at all. Because this happens a lot in real life, and it’s so hard to imagine how someone can change that drastically to be so hateful.

4x11 “Blood Memory” - The way this episode irrefutably validates Nia’s womanhood, both through familial acceptance and genetic/power confirmation! I just! The gift of oneiromancy is only passed to women in the family, and Nia is the one who got it, because Nia is and always has been a woman!! (really upset about how her sister reacted to Nia having that power and how the show never addressed it even though that’s the first sign of Nia experiencing any transphobia in her home...but other than that !!!)

4x19 "American Dreamer" - Nia’s interview made me cry, and the absolute softness of Brainia and the way Brainy listens as she reveals that she is both alien and trans to the world (something incredibly brave and inspiring), cries, and asks “What does love feel like?” is everything.

4x16 “The House of L” - If I had a nickel for every time someone used another version of Kara against Kara only for them to change their mind when actually meeting Kara, who is in fact not evil...I would have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice! Red Daughter was anticlimactic, but her origin episode was interesting and the slow realization that Kara isn’t evil (in 4x21 “Red Dawn” & 4x22 “The Quest for Peace”) plus Lex’s subsequent betrayal was heartbreaking.

Season 5 

Didn’t really like this season, but did enjoy:

5x15 "Reality Bytes" - The way this episode handled very real hate crimes against the trans community and showed Nia dealing with justified grief and rage over not being able to stop the horrors her community faces was just...so good. Especially with her and Kara’s conversation at the end about it all.

5x19 “Immortal Kombat” - Episode itself was meh, but it was one of my favorites of the season because it was the first time they actually allowed Kara to express the ways Lena hurt her, which was important to me after how she was treated all season.

Season 6

I’ve found it underwhelming thus far, but loved:

6x05 "Prom Night!" & 6x06 "Prom Again!" - Brainia travelling back in time and interacting totally conspicuously with baby prime!Kara & prime!Alex AND young Cat is everything I’ve ever wanted and I didn’t even know it.

[curtiskyle]

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[lpdwillwrite4coffee]

CHILDREN OF LILITH CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Amsterdam flipped the pages of his notes, rereading a section and then glancing up at the group sprawled around his apartment. Boz had found his way onto the sofa, laptop balanced on his knees and Cleopatra curled up under his left elbow. She occasionally swatted at him with a dainty paw and he’d hiss in irritation, but still give into her desire to be petted. She always had a knack for finding the pushovers.

Lisa was pressed up against the doorway into the kitchen, stirring her coffee. She seemed to be unaware it had gone tepid, as her attention was drawn to the other two nearby. And with good reason.

The pressurized atmosphere in the apartment hadn’t eased since Griffin and Nikki had stepped over the threshold. While Amsterdam had exchanged pleasantries with the others, Griffin had put himself a noticeable distance away from the group, practically adhering himself to the window. He glared out at the street, jaw set so firmly Amsterdam was concerned about his teeth cracking.

Nikki had taken to pacing. At first it was a light amble through the rooms, first to the kitchen for a drink, then to the bookshelves, and back to the dining table in some semblance of a lap. And while Griffin so adamantly ignored her, Nikki was having trouble reciprocating his attitude. Every other glance was in his direction, but they weren’t of longing or concern. The heat in her stare could fracture glass.

John just hoped she could hold off on causing any structural damage.

“Ah, what was I saying?” He said, looking over to Lisa.

“Something about a diary you read?” She answered, taking a sip of her coffee and scowling into the mug.

“Right, yes.” He reached across the table and picked up the small book. “It isn’t exactly award winning literature, but there was one mention of something I believe might be important.” Lifting his gaze to Nikki, he caught her eye. “Would you mind recounting your conversation with Doctor Oliver again? I know it must be difficult but-”

“No, that’s alright,” Nikki said. Slowing her gait, she retold the sequence of events. She explained everything about the medicine Doctor Oliver had given her, and his association with both Nicholas Bradley and Alexander Rex. She described how he’d spoken to her, how scarily intense he’d been, and what he’d called her.

“I’m sorry,” John stopped her, pen scribbling across the page of his notes. “Could you repeat that?”

Nikki paused mid-stride. “He called me a Luminari,” she said. “And he said something about a fire or a blaze… Something like that.”

Underlining a portion of his notes, John nodded. The little girl had almost gotten the name right, she had just misheard the other Hunters. They hadn’t called the man Luminous, they had called him by his proper title- a Luminari.

“I see. Thank you, please continue,” he urged.

Nikki finished by telling him about going back to the office and Doctor Oliver finding her there.

“Is that when you were cut?” John asked, nodding to her bandaged hand.

If he had thought the tension in the room had been uncomfortable before, now it was almost unbearable. Griffin, who had been silent and unmoving throughout the exchange, tilted his head, casting a sharp glance at Nikki. Sensing the stare, Nikki’s shoulders stiffened but for once she didn’t look his way. Instead she ran her thumb over the white gauze and shook her head.

“No, that… That happened later,” she murmured.

Hazel eyes shifting between the two, Amsterdam gave a final duck of his head. “Oh.”

Nikki cleared her throat and started to pace again. “Um, but right after Doctor Oliver called me a Luminari, and said all those things, he uh… he shot himself. He was rambling about his Master- Rex, I think. He said he had failed him, which is why he killed himself… At least, that’s how it seemed.”

“This Rex guy sounds like a cult leader,” Boz interjected, gaze never leaving his computer screen.

“Many Alphas have that kind of influence over their Familiars,” John said. “They call it ‘Breaking them in.’” He curled his lip at the phrase.

Boz halted his keystrokes. “That is sufficiently disgusting.”

“Agreed,” John said. “It’s sadistic, but unfortunately it still has the desired effects, which is why they still do it.”

“Effects, like?” Nikki asked.

“Unyielding loyalty and devotion, an overwhelming desire to serve and be praised, and complete disregard for their own lives. It’s codependency amplified to a thousand.”

Nikki turned, starting another lap past the dinette bar. “And people just sign up for this brainwashing willingly?”

“Not exactly,” John said. “Most of the time it starts as a simple relationship, romantic or platonic. Then it progresses into a more complicated donor and receiver scenario, and from there Familiar and Master. But the emotional and psychological bonds that are made are strong, not because of mutual trust and affection, but because of the hyper vigilance that comes from the fear of wronging your Master- a Vampire with the power to hurt you or anyone else you ever loved. It’s abuse.”

Nikki slowed again, frowning. “So they’d rather do everything their Master asks of them than leave,” she said. “That’s why Oliver killed himself. He was terrified of what Rex would do if he found out he’d said too much.”

John nodded. “Exactly.”

Over Nikki’s shoulder, Amsterdam noticed Griffin shift his weight and tighten his arms across his chest. It was the second crack in his statuesque façade, and John wondered if he might be nearing the end of his stamina for a standoff.

Cutting her pacing short, Nikki strode over to the table and lowered herself in the nearest chair. “You know, despite what Doctor Oliver did… I think I actually feel…” She blinked down at her wounded palm. “Sympathy, I guess. Rex manipulated him until he was a husk of a man. I don’t condone his actions, but I think I understand why he did it.”

“Don’t give him too much credit,” Griffin said, voice rough, still gazing out the window. “Familiars always get something out of it. Money, status, sex… They get as much as they give.”

Nikki jutted her chin up. “I’m not giving him a free pass,” she said tersely. “But I can’t blame one human for what Rex and Bradley set into motion. He was just following through-”

“With plans to kill you,” Griffin cut in. “Sure, Rex was a manipulative bastard, but Doctor Oliver didn’t go into it blind either. He knew what he was doing.”

“Yeah, but you saw him. You saw what he was like the moment we started interrogating him. He was about to crack any second, we just happened to be the ones to apply the pressure.”

“And I also saw the demented joy in his eyes when he saw how scared you were,” Griffin said, turning to face her. “He got his rocks off playing Igor to Rex’s Frankenstein, he wasn’t a helpless victim.” Something more than anger flashed in Griffin’s eyes before he added, “Not everyone is worth bleeding for Nikki.”

Twisting in her seat, Nikki stared at him. “What the hell does that mean?”

Griffin gestured to her hand. “It means you shouldn’t take on the world with a fucking box cutter.”

Nikki scoffed bitterly. “That’s what this is about? Jesus, you’re acting like I used the damn thing on you.”

“You can’t go around acting like everyone’s worth saving,” he snapped, shoving away from the window. “Doctor Oliver was a twisted man who wanted nothing more than to see you suffer, but you’re sitting here sympathizing with him.”

“Okay, fine, so my opinion of one person is misguided. But that doesn’t explain the scorpion that crawled up your ass.”

Griffin’s brows furrowed as he pulled up short. “Excuse me?”

“I’m talking about the attitude you’ve had since we left Doctor Oliver’s office,” Nikki retorted. “I’m sorry your male ego was bruised by having a girl come to help you, but do me a favor and get over it.”

“That’s not what this is about and you know it.”

“No, I don’t,” she exclaimed. “I don’t know anything because you’ve refused to talk to me all day. I came back for you-”

“Nobody asked you to Nikki,” Griffin shouted, taking several strides forward. “Nobody told you to slice open your hand like a freakin’ martyr.”

“There were too many of them,” Nikki yelled. “You needed help.”

Griffin’s huge frame towered over her as he came closer. “I told you to run.”

Launching out of her seat, Nikki countered, “I wasn’t going to abandon you there.”

“That’s exactly what you should have done,” he bellowed. “I told you to leave, but you couldn’t listen, could you? You’re so stubborn you couldn’t let someone else tell you what to do, even if it was to save your life.”

“I knew what I was doing, I knew the risks-”

“No you didn’t, otherwise you would have done what I’d told you.”

“You could have died,” she shouted. “It was my decision to come back. It was my choice.”

“And your idiotic choice led to this.” Griffin crowded her, gripping her arm and holding up her injured hand. “What are you gonna do Nikki? Sacrifice your whole hand next? Your arm? Are you gonna bleed out on the floor next time? Where does it end?”

Nikki wrenched her arm out of his grasp. “You’re not gonna get me to say I’m sorry,” she snapped. “I’m not. I’m not sorry for coming back for you.”

Griffin sneered. “Then I guess I overestimated your IQ.”

Blue irises flashed light gold, and Griffin felt the heat from her glare blast over his skin.

“You’re an ass,” Nikki said, voice sharp with disdain.

Leaning down, Griffin held her gaze. “Happy you came back for me now?”

Confusion flicked across her stare before it was washed out in another wave of fury. Pulling herself up to her full height, Nikki stepped forward, nearly putting herself chest to chest with him.

“How dare you,” she snarled. “How dare you try to twist this around? I have two Alphas blocking me into a corner, ticking off my list of choices one by one, and you’re gonna try to make me feel shitty for exercising what little free will I have left? I don’t care what the hell kind of motives you have, you will not stand there and degrade the choices I make, just because they piss you off.”

A muscle ticked in Griffin’s jaw as he glowered in silence. Nikki could feel the small puffs of air as he exhaled, and her skin grew taut from the heat radiating off of him. Her heart slammed against her ribs in an uncomfortable rhythm.

For only half a moment something broke in Griffin’s stare, exposing a deep sorrow that Nikki barely had a chance to register before it was hidden beneath renewed derision. He smirked, and the cold mockery of it stung her.

“If you’re waiting for an apology, you’ll be waiting there all night,” he said.

This wasn’t him. This wasn’t the Griffin she knew.

But that didn’t make his words hurt any less.

“Go to hell,” she snapped, shoving past him.

Nikki caught the bewildered expression on Boz’s face as she planted herself on the opposite side of the room next to the window. He had stopped typing, and now could only frown at the back of his friend’s head.

Pressing her shoulder into the cold glass, Nikki glanced back at Griffin. He stood rigid, still planted where they’d been arguing. She saw the muscles of his back work underneath his shirt as he took a very deep breath and as he released it his shoulders slumped.

Amsterdam’s gaze narrowed on Griffin’s face, and a similar look of bewilderment as Boz’s etched his features.

Straightening, Griffin headed towards the entryway closet. “I need some air,” he muttered, yanking his coat off the peg. “I’m going for a walk.”

Nikki flinched when the door shut behind him, even though he hadn’t slammed it. She was hyper aware of everything every sound, every movement.

Every absence.

Hugging her arms around her abdomen, she turned to look out at the gray oppressive sky hanging over the city. In her peripheral vision she noticed the growing halo of condensation on the window around her shoulder.

And then the lights flickered.

* * *

Griffin shoved through the building’s exit and strode out onto the sidewalk at full speed. He sucked down each breath like a drowning man. Immense pressure constricted around him. His chest was seconds away from concaving, it had to be. There was no way his ribcage could support that kind of weight.

He did it. Like making a child afraid of fire so they’d never play near the stove, he had shown Nikki the consequences of risking everything for someone like him.

And now he was left with a pack of howling dogs trapped in his head and impending suffocation.

Serena’s voice curled around him like smoke. Good job lover. You chucked her off your sinking ship real fast. Too bad there’s no room on the life raft for you…

Blinking away the sting of tears, he started to cross the street when he heard his name called out from behind him.

“Griffin!” Boz shouted over the noise of the traffic.

“I don’t want to talk, Boz,” he answered, refusing to look at his friend.

“Griffin, stop.” Boz had caught up to him, grabbing him by the shoulder. “You need to come back-”

“No, Boz.”

“Griffin,” Boz yelled, pulling him around by his coat. “Nikki fainted again.” He gave a final tug before darting back towards the building. “C’mon!”

And then the crushing weight around him was replaced with flames. He ran after Boz, careening up the stairs and back into Amsterdam’s apartment.

John was knelt at Nikki’s head, checking her pulse, while Lisa brought him his medical bag.

“What happened?” Griffin gasped, throwing his coat off and crouching next to Nikki’s limp body.

“One second she was fine, and the next she was going tim-ber,” Boz explained, waving a hand out.

“She was fevered a moment ago, now she’s ice cold,” John said, cupping his palm under Nikki’s chin. He closed his eyes, focusing on her breathing. “There’s something wrong with her respiratory system. I think she’s hyperventilating.”

Griffin scowled. “What?”

“Do you hear that?” John asked, glancing up at him. “She’s inhaling too rapidly.”

Nikki’s chest rose and fell like she was keeping double time on a bass drum and each exhale came out as a small whimper. Inching closer, Griffin took her left hand and winced at the frigid temperature.

“Nik, can you hear me?” He gently rubbed her fingers between his palms to warm them. “Hey, you’re okay. Everything’s alright, you’re gonna be fine.”

“We should move her to the couch,” John said, looking to Griffin.

He nodded and wound his arms under her knees and behind her head. “I’ve got her,” he said, standing with ease.

Lisa ducked around them, stacking several throw pillows at one end of the sofa. “Here,” she said, directing him.

Laying her down with care, Griffin cradled Nikki’s head, adjusting her position so her neck wasn’t at an uncomfortable angle.

From behind hem Boz asked, “Shouldn’t we take her to the hospital?”

“They wouldn’t know what to do,” John told him. “Most doctors aren’t schooled in Blooded Hunter physiology.”

“But neither are we.” Boz motioned to Nikki and frowned. “I mean, not in her case at least. This is something none of us have ever seen.”

“But at least here there aren’t civilian doctors who will get suspicious,” Lisa said to him as she passed.

“I should check her vitals again,” John said to Griffin. “Her breathing changed.”

“Again?” Boz asked, moving to stand at Griffin’s shoulder.

“And she feels feverish,” John added as he pulled a stethoscope from his bag.

Griffin frowned. “This didn’t happen last time,” he told him.

John shifted the end of the instrument over Nikki’s chest. “Her condition is worsening.”

Boz narrowed his stare on him. “Condition?”

John faltered and shook his head. “Ah, just whatever it is that’s causing this.”

“Is it her gift?” Lisa asked from several paces back.

“I’m not sure.” John pulled a penlight from the bag and lifted Nikki’s right eyelid, checking the dilation of her pupils. “She doesn’t appear to have a concussion, but…” He paused, with his thumb still holding open her eye. “Something neurological is definitely going on.”

Griffin’s face went momentarily slack as he stared. John was right. Nikki’s natural sapphire blue irises had been replaced with an iridescent pale gold. But what made Griffin’s skin prick with goosebumps was the preternatural swirling of gold, green, and white around her pupil like a whirlpool.

“Whoa,” Boz breathed, leaning down to witness it for himself. “That’s… so not normal.”

“I would have to agree with you,” John said.

“Alright, so what do we do?” Griffin asked, staying knelt by Nikki’s side.

John held his gaze for a moment. “We wait.”

“That’s it?” Griffin felt an angry knot twist low in his gut. “There’s nothing else?”

“She’s unconscious because of supernatural reasons, Griffin,” John said patiently. “There are no smelling salts for this kind of thing.”

Clenching his teeth, Griffin looked away, locking his eyes on the corner of the sofa’s arm rest.

John began slowly packing his medical bag. “You couldn’t have known,” he whispered. “Feeling guilty won’t do you any favors.”

Griffin couldn’t meet the man’s gaze. Guilt wasn’t the only addition to his list of self-loathing.

“I’ll be right back,” John said, standing up.

Shifting to sit on the edge of the couch, Griffin angled himself to give Nikki as much room as he could. With trembling fingers he reached out, gingerly lifting Nikki’s hand to cradle it in his. The room grew quiet, but he was still aware of the eyes on him. He didn’t care.

Boz lowered himself onto the corner of the coffee table, leaning forward to press his elbows into the tops of his thighs. He wrung his hands in silence for a long time before he finally spoke.

“What was that back there?” He asked with a hushed voice.

Griffin’s shoulders went rigid. “What?”

“The two forces of nature colliding in Amsterdam’s living room,” Boz said, gesturing. “Buddy, that argument was…” He shook his head. “What were you doing, man?”

Griffin’s jaw worked like he was chewing on words, deciding if he should spit them out.

Huffing out an irritated sigh, Boz straightened a fraction. “Alright,” he muttered. “We don’t have to talk, that’s fine. But if anybody in this room deserves an explanation-” He pointed to Nikki. “It’s her.”

Scrubbing his palms on his knees, Boz stood up and went to the table where he’d moved his laptop and settled in amongst Amsterdam’s books and papers.

A glass of water appeared on the table a moment later and he glanced up to see Lisa staring at him.

Arching a dark brow, she motioned to the glass and said, “That’s not for you.”

Jerk was implied in her warning glare before she walked back into the kitchen, leaving him relatively alone. His thumb swept over the back of Nikki’s hand as he watched her eyes dance behind her lids.

It felt wrong, being the one to offer her comfort in her state of unconsciousness. Griffin thought about leaving again. The tension his presence created was like shrink wrap clinging to every edge and surface in the apartment. He wanted to explain, wanted to tell them in broken syllables of declaration why he’d acted so horribly.

No-no, you don’t understand. I love her. I love her but she needs better. I can’t- I can’t be with her. She deserves more-

Nikki’s hand clamped down around his fingers, her nails digging into his skin. Shaky breaths passed over pale lips, brows furrowing in response to subconscious signals.

In a nearly inaudible whisper, Griffin said, “You’re alright, Nik. You’re-”

Her grip tightened, cutting off the circulation to his fingertips. He winced but didn’t pull back.

“Nikki, it’s okay. You’re safe,” he murmured. “I’m here. I came back. I’m not leaving.”

The words tumbled out in a flurry without consent. A flush crept up his neck, but he couldn’t sense anyone was staring at him, so if they had heard, they were at least giving him the courtesy of pretending they hadn’t.

Nikki’s hold on him loosened but her nails were still blunt against the back of his hand.

Frowning at her reaction, Griffin whispered, “I won’t leave… If you don’t want me to.”

She exhaled and it sounded like a sigh.

A relieved sigh.

Oh fuck, he thought, staring down at her. I’m in this now, aren’t I?

Griffin looked down at the red crescent shapes along his knuckles, something unidentifiable swelling in his chest.

I’m in deep.