#idk. disgusting experience and nothing extremely bad even happened but still

[soloquel]

had a cop ask me for my number at work bc he wanted me to have some drinks with him & then go to the club together, which i tried to say no to in the nicest, most polite way possible bc a) i was at work (retail, surrounded by customers) and b) i'm scared of a man's hurt ego, but he kept insisting and asking why not etc., and it took me telling him i have a boyfriend for him to finally back off, but not after asking where he works (i only said also in retail) and him telling me that i'd be better off with a cop, but then he finally left. man, i hate this so much, i hate having people know where i work and being so accessible to all kinds of weirdos, and i hate how i had to warn all my coworkers not to tell that guy anything bc i'm terrified of cops and their fucking immunity in regard to so many things. also he kept bragging about how he carries his gun around at all times, and then turned around and wondered why most people start to act weirdly around him when they find out he's a cop, like HUH???? anyways i hate having to be paranoid about him finding out where i live, where my boyfriend works, etc. idk man. i find cops terrifying.

[iwajima]

poor little baby. (kuroo tetsurou x f!reader)

KINKTOBER 2020 DAY 1

summary: ever since kuroo saw you talk and get close with his colleague at a dinner event, he’s been teasing and edging you for a week.

warnings: smut, edging, slight!teasing & jealousy

status/word count: unedited / 2.2k

a/n: idk why I made kuroo such a dick, i’m sorry- also i kinda went overboard with this one

Neither of you wanted to go to Kuroo’s company’s dinner event, you both would rather spend time alone with each other. Your expectations for a boring event was rather the opposite, when you found yourself in an interesting and long conversation about art with Kuroo’s colleague. You found commonality through it and found out he too had a hobby of painting.

Kuroo shot daggers towards the man from afar. However, they went unnoticed. Unfortunately, he was stuck with his boss and a couple of other people who were talking about how the women in the company were rather eye-pleasing. Quite unprofessional and disgusting. His jaw clenched when he sees you both laugh. The way you attentively listened and looked at him with big eyes made him regret coming to this place. Had you both stayed home, he probably would be drilling you into the sheets and make you cum over and over for him. The thought of the things he’d do to you sent his blood down to his cock, making him more uncomfortable.

It was his final straw when the man placed a hand onto your shoulder as you both laugh at something that was probably stupid. He marched towards you, ignoring the questioning look and presence of his colleague.

“Kuroo-san! Care to join us? y/n here was talking about her embarrassing high school experiences.” He did it again. He placed his hand on your shoulder when he referred to you. He knew you were his girlfriend, it was like he was taunting him.

“Is that so?” He said in the most bitter voice.

“Tetsurou, are you okay? You seem tense.” You say when he remains silent. His stare at his oblivious colleague was broken when you softly reached for his hand.

“We’re going leaving, sweetie.” He dragged you home without saying any formal goodbyes, which made you worry for him.

Everything went by so fast. First you were in the silent car and now you’re against his apartment wall, cheek pressed on the cold surface with his knee between your thighs. You bit your lip, you knew what was going to happen and what he was going to do to you. Your immediate thought was that he was going to fuck you into oblivion but your jaw dropped at his words.

“Did you enjoy talking to Takuto for an hour, did you enjoy flirting with him hm? Guess what baby, you’re not going to cum anytime soon. How does two weeks sound?” He sneered into your ear, making you shudder at the tone of his voice.

“Tetsuro-”

“Kuroo-san.” He cut you off, brushing your hair off your shoulder to place soft kisses along it.

You let out a breath when he reaches the shell of your ear and leaves a lick. Your legs wanted to give out but tried your best preventing it when he pressed his knee against your core, making your eyes flutter shut.

“K-kuroo-san… Please, I promise I wasn’t flirting. We were just having a friendly conversation.” You tried to calm him down but that only made him even more mad.

He turned you around before tossing you over his shoulder. You yelp, however you didn’t put up much of a fight. When he reaches your shared bedroom, he tosses you onto the bed. He wasted no time in pulling down your bra and dress strap, mouth immediately finding itself onto your sensitive nipple. His rough hand slid from the valley of your breasts to your other shoulder before removing the straps too and fondling with your left tit.

You were so lost from the feeling that you did even notice him snaking his hand down over your panties, finger moving up and down your slit. He smirked at your moans, thinking about how you were going to beg him to touch you again when he leaves you dry and high.

Your nipple was tender after him sucking on it for so long. He moves to your other and giving it the same treatment as his left hand kneads your free boob. You felt like you could cum just from your breasts being stimulated. Over the years, Kuroo has trained your body to be responsive to him whenever he touches you. As a result, certain areas became very sensitive that even a slight graze would make you jump.

“Look at my poor baby, squirming under me, does it really feel that good?” he cooed into your ear, making your eyes roll back. You were so wet, he could feel your panties dampening as time went by.

You nod even though he could barely see you. He pressed his hand to your core,to which your hips automatically grinded against it in hopes to find friction. Kuroo knew you were close because of how your shaky sighs. The wetness began to transfer onto his hand, he wanted nothing more than to indulge in your juices but you needed to be taught a lesson.

He suddenly gets up and walks out the room like nothing had happened. You let out a quiet whimper, seeing his silhouette leave. Your eyes were wide in the pitch black room, the only source of light was the living room light. You mentally cursed yourself, letting yourself fall back down onto your bed. You knew Takuto’s touches were questionable but you were such a laid back person, you thought they just had friendly intent.

The following days felt excruciating. The day after, Kuroo returns home before you. When you entered your apartment, Kuroo was laid back on the couch, book in hand with his legs spread open. Your eyes immediately drink in his semi-naked figure as you think about sinful thoughts. You try to get close to him, in hopes to coax him into fucking you but he brushes you off and teases you about how horny you are. Of course that was his fault.

Attempt two, you wore his favourite lingerie set he had bought you for your birthday. The red lace complemented your skin as it was tightly wrapped around your body. Upon hearing his footsteps get louder, you sink to your knees, catching him by surprise at your position when he opens the door. His eyes widened before returning to their half-lidded state as a smirk formed on his lips. He places his hand on top of your head, stroking your hair before letting them fall onto your cheek. You eagerly pressed your cheek against his palm, enjoying the feeling of his harm hand.

“Welcome home Kuroo-san.” You purred.

He smiles before taking his shoes off and proceeding towards the kitchen. He ignored you. You stare at your front door, motionless in shock. Was he still upset? Your face heats up as you get up from the floor. He casually removes his blazer, before tossing it aside and sitting on the soft cushions. He lets out a moan that you know was on purpose, yet it still managed to make you feel flustered. Instead of being upset, his lack of attention made you angry. You just wanted his touch, and for him to make you feel good like how he always does.

By the time it was your sixth attempt of trying to get him to fuck you, you were exhausted and extremely needy. Each night you’d push yourself against him, trying to feel at least his warmth, but he’d just have his back facing you. You wanted to cry by how frustrated you were, he was being completely unreasonable. You didn’t even touch yourself because you know it wasn���t the same as Kuroo pleasuring you.

“Kuroo-san please… please just fuck me” You whine.

When he doesn’t respond, you turn the other way, deciding to sleep instead, rather than continuously beg for him. You were taken by surprise when he changes your position and spreads your legs. You couldn’t see him, but you know he has a satisfied look on his face as he hovers over you.

“Seeing you needy like this makes me want to fuck you so hard.” He presses his lips against yours, you sighed because this was what you were longing for.

“I’d make you my cumdump but you were being such a bad girl, this is your punishment.” He whispers into your ear.

You bite your lip when he presses his bulge against your core. Your hips automatically grinded itself against his, making him chuckle in amusement by your eagerness. He pushes his sweats off before pulling off your oversized shirt, exposing you to the cool air. You were only in your undergarment, the cold making your skin get goosebumps. However, they soon disappeared when Kuroo encases you in warmth.

The feeling of his hard cock against your thigh made you shudder. You excitedly wrapped your legs around his waist, wanting him to just shove his dick into your pussy, not caring about the lack of prep. His thumb circles your clit, making you moan his name. His forefinger and ring finger spreads your lips as his middle spreads your arousal up and down your slit and occasionally ghosting over your clit. He loved the way that you were desperately holding onto his shoulders.

His name falls from your lips once more when he inserts a finger into your core. The small stretch was enough to make your head go fuzzy. He continues to add two more, coaxing your pussy release more of your juices so he could shove his throbbing cock into your cunt.

His tongue swirls around your nipple, wetting it before sucking and biting onto it. Your voice echoed throughout the apartment, your neighbours above and below could definitely hear you. The sounds were lewd, from the sound of him sucking your tit to him relentlessly fucking his fingers into you.

Euphoria was all that you felt. The feeling grew greater when he replaces his fingers with his cock, pushing the head into your tight hole. You hug him closer when he slowly stretches your poor pussy out. After not being fucked and being intensely horny for a week, you were extremely sensitive. You could feel everything, from every inch of his cock to his vein that was on the side of his length.

He started off with a slow pace, making you want to die. You wanted him to thrust into you hard and fast but you needed to be patient for now. He only just began, but you were already completely fucked out. The feeling of his skin dragging along your insides drove you insane. The stretch was mouth watering, you practically drooled at the thought of your pussy being fucked open.

“You’re being such a good girl for me y/n, taking my fat cock like this.” He whispers.

“Kuroo, please- more!” You whine, digging your heels into his lower back to make him go deeper.

He simply complies, picking up his pace and slamming his hips against yours. The sound of skin slapping only aided you towards your release. He could feel you clench around him, desperately trying to suck in his cock and keep it there. You were so wet that it was starting to run down, soaking the sheets and his thighs.

“Fuck! I’m so close-” You wailed.

“I know baby.” He kisses you deeply, as his thrusts grow more sloppy.

Your moans grow louder and your pussy gets tighter. You were right there, but you were left dumbfounded when he pulled out. He strokes his cock rapidly before shooting his cum onto your pussy, rubbing it all over with his tip, making a mess of you. He lets out a grunt as he reaches the peak of his release, spraying a few more spurts. He leaves a kiss on your cheek before getting up and leaving the room once again.

Tears begin to well up, you’re left on the edge once again. Kuroo returns with a damp cloth. When he turns the lights on and sees you on your side, sobbing. Kuroo immediately rushes to your side, trying to make you face him but you resist.

“Baby, hey-” His face was covered in worry and voice dripping with concern.

“Just leave me alone Tetsurou.” Your broken voice made him regret doing that to you.

He silently places himself behind you, wrapping an arm around your waist, pulling you close before kissing your shoulder. He nuzzles himself into the crook of your neck, spreading your legs apart. He takes the damp towel and cleans his cum off of your pussy and thighs, tossing it away when you’re clean. A finger circles itself around your clit, making you bite your lip because you didn’t want to give him the pleasure of knowing that it felt good.

“I’m so sorry y/n. I was a dick. I should’ve stopped the stupid act sooner, will you forgive me?”

You didn’t respond, instead you spread your legs wider for him, to give him more access to fiddle with your cunt. He smiles and leaves wet kisses on your neck. You were too exhausted to even push him away or stop him, so you let him fuck your cunt with his fingers. He truly did sound sorry, his voice was so worried it made you want to smile and kiss him feverishly.

It wasn’t long until you were clamping down around his digits, letting out the sweetest moans. It was the hardest you ever came before, all due to the week long teasing and edging. When he feels you relax, he removes his fingers before inserting them into his mouth, sucking them clean. It made you blush and sent butterflies in your stomach. He hovers above you, turning you to face him.

You look up at him with sad eyes and pouty lips. He smiles before leaving multiple pecks around your face making you giggle as you try to make him stop.

“Hey, I really am sorry. I was being so fucking unreasonable, I don’t even know why I dragged it on for so long or even did that in the first place. I let my insecurity get the best of me, you know I love you right?” He lowers himself and lays on top of you, transferring his heat to your body.

“Yes, Tetsurou. Please don’t tease me for that long ever again or I'm going to leave you.” He immediately raises his head to look at you with a scared expression. You laugh, running your hands through his hair.

“You’re not being serious right...?” He asks.

“Of course not, idiot. Now go turn off the light, I'm tired.”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #479

“war sends our sons to slaughter  /  another failed attack; there is no turning back”

Have you ever boycotted something? Yes: Chick-fil-A. Homophobic, transphobic pieces of shit. Has anyone ever borrowed something from you, and not returned it? Yes, a video game when I was little. I was so mad, lol. Do you vent a lot on social media? No. I don't want people to get annoyed with me. What was your first bill you started paying on your own? I haven't been responsible for any bills yet. What is your favorite charitable cause to donate to or volunteer for? I can't/don't do either really, but if I could, I'd probably donate to uhhhh... suicide prevention organizations. As for volunteering, definitely something with animals. Have you ever dated someone who wasn’t at all your usual type? No. What is something you have no patience for? Waiting at the doctor's office. Have you ever received a misdiagnosis? Yes. What’s that you’re listening to? I'm watching Gab play The Evil Within 2. What kind of relationship do you have with the last person you kissed? We're a couple. What is your biggest accomplishment in life? Still being alive. What is one thing that you really wish you could understand, but don’t? Political stuff. Economics. Have you ever been tutored or tutored someone yourself? I had an Algebra tutor the last time I was in college, and I had to strangle an anxiety attack down because I wasn't understanding the material AT ALL and felt so dumb and annoying. I never did it again. What was the last thing you said out loud (singing doesn’t count)? "It's really embarrassing," to Mom. It really is fucking humiliating that my ankles are swollen from walking/standing more and pushing my desk chair back against the resistance of the carpet. That's pathetic. I'm trying to focus on the fact it's good my body is even reacting to moving more, though. Is everything you have on actually yours? Yep. Do you ever just randomly drive around when you’re upset about something? I don't drive, but if I did, that would NOT be my method of de-stressing. What was the last act of creativity you displayed? Writing an RP post. What’s your favorite department in Wal-Mart? Uh, I guess where you can go see the plants and flowers. Do you find kite flying boring? I LOVED it as a kid. I'd still probably find it kinda fun. Do you have any interest in visiting Japan? Yes, but it's not a massive interest. I've heard the humidity can kill a bitch, and I am NOT into that. Have you ever run a cash register? Yes. I sucked. Have you ever worked as a server? No. Have you ever done the Bratz challenge on YouTube? No, but I saw James Charles do it and it was v unnerving, holy shit. Would you rather paint or carve a pumpkin? Carve. What was your worst experience in high school? My depression as a whole. How much did your senior prom dress cost you? I don't remember. Have you ever been in a serious romantic relationship? Three, if you include my current one. Which part of your body is the most muscular? Uh, nothing? What is the first site you check when you get online, generally? KM. Are you good at creative writing assignments? That's my forte. In elementary school, I actually won a I think county-wide creative writing short story assignment. Not to brag, but I've always been very proud of that, ha ha. Or would you rather just do an informative essay? That's easy for me too, but I prefer writing creatively. Are you more attracted to the badasses, or the goody-goody types? Definitely the goody-goodies. The "bad guys" have never appealed to me romantically. Do you raise your hand or participate in class? I did if I really wanted to ask something or was confident in an answer. What is something BIG you want to do with your life? Make a difference, somehow. What do you think of people who own wild animals? Do NOT just casually take in animals from the wild. That's selfish and just generally disgusting. If you're going to keep an animal generally described as wild and undomesticated, you'd better have a license and deserve that license. Know what you're doing and be certain that keeping the animal in captivity is in the animal's best interest for its unique case. Are you good at explaining things, in general? NOOOOOOOOO, I suck at that. Do you like visiting the mall? Why or why not? Not our mall, no. Its stores suck/are extremely limited, and SO much crime has happened there. Do you like window shopping? Why or why not? YESSSSSSS, mostly on Morph Market, a mostly reptile selling hub online. You can browse TONS of breeders and literally thousands of reptiles, especially ball pythons. They even have a tarantula section I like to look at sometimes. If you lost your job/home/etc., who would likely help you? If I'm losing my home, I'm assuming my mom is gone, so my dad. Why did you first kiss the last person you kissed? We were a couple and I felt like I was supposed to. At that time I didn't see him romantically, but I desperately wanted to. Funny how we're back together and I've no reservations against kissing him now. Feelings change, for sure. Plans for tonight? Girt and I will probably play some WoW Classic together. We've started playing that together, and it's lots of fun with him. :') Has anyone seen you kiss the last person you kissed? Actually, no. Have you ever been kissed in a car? Yeah. Do you think anyone has feelings for you? I know Girt does. Is there anyone in your life that knows right away something’s wrong with you? My mom. Who last made you smile? Girt, 'cuz he's a sweetheart. Where is your mother? She's in bed in her room. She feels like shit. Like, you would think she WASN'T vaccinated, though her long-time doctor has said she'd probably be dead without it while having Covid. Would you rather look at clouds or stars? Stars. Think about your biggest mistake, would you go back and change it? I absolutely would. Are you dating the person you last kissed? Yeup. What is the most immature item you own and actually use? Um. Idk. Do you always take a shower after you have sex? I... didn't know people did this? Like I know women are advised to pee after sex, but full-on showering? No. Do you like chocolate popsicles? Oh hell yeah. Are your parents proud of you? They claim to be. I don't see how. Are you interested in the ocean? Yeah; it's inarguably so fascinating. Hot dogs or hamburgers? I prefer burgers. Have you ever been to a Chinatown in any of the cities you’ve been to? No. Have you ever been to couple’s counseling? No. Do you have any dietary restrictions? No. Have you ever turned down a job offer? No. What’s the largest animal you’ve ever had as a pet? A dog named Cali that was a boxer mix. Do you ever pray, even if you don't believe in God? What exactly is the point if you don't believe in God...? Anyway, I don't. Have you ever been to Mexico? No. Have you ever gotten stuck in quicksand before? No. What's the shortest or longest length you've ever had your hair grow? To around the small of my back. The last nest you saw - was it a bird nest or a hornet's nest? I think a bird's? Do you enjoy Jeff Dunham? I don't know if I'd like him as a person, but I do think he's a funny comedian. Who is your favorite character from Frozen? I was never into the movies. I do think Elsa is kinda cool (no pun intended, lol), though. I like that she has her flaws. Did you finish high school? If not, do you plan on doing so? I did. Have you been in a simulator that mimicked a submarine or rollercoaster? A rollercoaster, yes. How often do you go out to eat instead of cooking for yourself? Mom and I try to avoid fast food for our health. We do a pretty good job at it, but sometimes for convenience's sake, we do eat it. What is the largest family of siblings that you know of? This is probably gonna come across as very judgmental, but... it really bothers me. I don't know how many kids she has now, but one of the dance moms from the studio has SO many children; I've completely lost count. Now if you want that many kids and can provide for them, that's cool. But that's not the case. She uses the "if God wants me to have a baby, then it will happen" mentality, and I'm just like... um, no hunny. Poor choices are leading to kids you're not adequately providing for. She uses no methods of protection and literally has twins whose room is a fucking closet. Ugh it just really bothers me. What foreign languages were offered to you at school? A whole lot. Only Spanish and I believe French were offered as in-school courses, but there were lots of online classes. If you were required to take a course right now, what would you choose? Photography. Team Biden or Team Trump? Over my dead body would I have voted for Trump. My vote went with Biden. What is an animal native to your country that may not exist in others? Bison are factually exclusive to North America. Note that bison and buffalo are different. What are some of your favorite autumn activities? Taking pictures of fall scenery. <3 What are some of your favorite winter activities? Going out in the snow. :') Especially with a camera. Do you eat a shit-ton the week before your period? uuugggghhHHHHHH yes Wendy's, McDonalds, or Burger King? Wendy's. What's the weirdest question you've ever asked Alexa? I've never asked Alexa anything. Do you prefer your apple cider to be warm or cold? I've actually never had it. Do you prefer your coffee hot or iced? Y'all know the story of me and coffee. Can you sing the alphabet backwards? I can't. Have you ever sent flowers or chocolates to yourself before? Ha ha, no. Is there any meat that you won't eat? Yeah, fish and ANYTHING that comes from a wild animal. Does your cat use anything other than it's scratching post as a scratcher? When we got him a scratcher WITH CATNIP, the lil butthead ignored it. -_- He scratches the carpet instead. Did you go through a vampire craze before? Are you still going through it? Nah. Have you ever forged your parents' signature on a poor test paper, etc? No. Has a bird ever pooped on you before? Omg, no. I'd die. Have you ever been sprayed by a skunk before? No. Are black jellybeans delicious or disgusting? I HATE them. Have you ever rolled down a grassy hill before? I have! I miss that.

[rnegitsune]

Ok so I thought I'd put together some horror stories from my time as a babymetal fan bc of how drastic the shift in the fandom has been the past year or so. For context I got into babymetal in like june of 2014 (all 3 girls were still underage at the time, I was 22; when I first got into them I thought I would be considered an older fan lmao the naivete, the innocence of new fan me wow I know now I'm not at all in the older half of the fandom esp considering I was born the same decade as su and moa), and I made this blog in I think may of 2015.

I've had people say I should compile men being gross into a post and I just couldn't do that out of fear for my own mental health but this will be pretty close. These are all my experiences with this fandom over the years; I'm definitely missing some but what I do remember should do well to cover most of how this fandom used to be vs now. It's gonna be a lot and tw for men being gross about minors.

Back in my first year or so of this blog I on multiple occasions got dms from men asking to be friends. At the time my bio only said my name and my pronouns. I've always been cautious of dms so I'd ask their age and every single one was considerably older than me. I wouldn't usually answer after that bc no thanks but they would generally try to continue convos til I blocked. The only one I still had was this one

After I put my age in my bio, which was 23 at the time, I never got a dm like that again; take from that what you will. But if you're young please be wary of this hell fandom even now. And if you're an older fan and esp an older male fan reading this, don't dm people trying to be friends. I was over 18 and it still creeped me out to no end.

One of my real first men in this fandom are disgusting moments was a blog back in like 2015 or 2016 who I had some contact with due to common interests; he was a huge yui stan and made bm content. He was like 28 or 29 at the time and I eventually noticed he would tag idols, mostly kpop girls, by their body parts (legs, butt, etc) which is disgusting enough as it is but then I saw him do the same for literal minors, like tzuyu from twice. I messaged him asking what the hell he was doing objectifying women but also actual children and he blocked me lmao. He later unblocked me to let me know that's just how he tagged things and it was my fault he had anxiety and then he blocked me again.

Back before the tumblr purge this fandom was repulsive to a degree I cannot even begin to describe. Someone would reblog something from me, I'd go to their blog and it would be underage jpop idols and japanese p*rn all the way down. I even stumbled upon a man editing underage su into p*rn gifs. Obviously no proof of that but I did go find my initial reaction to it

The number of times I'd get a follow from someone then go to their blog and it would be as mentioned above or their bio would be the most misogynistic trash I'd ever read was staggering. I genuinely considered giving up and deleting this blog so many times bc i felt oberwhelmed and outnumbered by these gross old dudes; and so the fact that this fandom has evolved into a bunch of chaotic wlw?? Amazing, I could cry.

Fun phenomenon of women running bm blogs was men sending messages asking if we liked babymetal. No joke. I think this happened to me two or three times but I spoke w other female creators at the time and it had happened to them as well. My entire blog is babymetal, and yet???

He said the weird guy idk bc he sent some random ass messages vaguely insulting me and when I responded coldly, he acted confused so I said you're some guy idk, hence the above message starting as such. Also that pic and the one up above that has my current pfp bc I just took those screenshots. Like I said I typically blocked weird dms but I guess these passed me by so I still had the messages.

Most people know the sub reddit is the worst and don't need me to tell you but it's a hellscape and I highly recommend avoiding it. A short list of things I've had to see as a result of going there: men discussing at length kano and momoko's appearances and how they look in costume vs in normal clothes. Men discussing at length the hope that the girls would marry men who aren't Japanese, a thread that was from when all 3 girls were underage. They aren't gonna marry you dude they're really not.

The insulting of billie Eilish, a 17 year old at the time, was horrible too. Su and moa got to meet her, something they were extremely excited for, and they posted a pic; the comments were disgusting as you can imagine. The yui rumors were terrible too, fatshaming, slutshaming etc all based on nothing. Some man saying the rumors about yui leaving bc, no joke this was a real rumor, she "got too fat" couldn't be true bc "look at saya." Saya being a barely 18 yo back up dancer who covered the third spot after yui left but before the avengers. Not to mention the upskirt shots from when they were minors, the constant editing of their faces onto explicit photoshoots etc. I remember being a new fan looking for a su pic on google and being horrified at the fact that one of the top suggested results after her name was “bikini;” she was 16 at the time. Also, the uptick in massively creepy posts and messages sent to bm blogs as each girl, but esp moa and yui, approached 18 was disgusting.

Now for some personal nonsense. A big reason why I haven't touched my youtube channel in months is bc I got tired of dealing with the men of this fandom. I poke fun at metal and get told I deserve to die. I say ped*philes and creepy men are gross and get a swarm of middle aged men cursing at me. Had a guy cry about how men are shamed for liking bm and then he turned around and said some gross shit about wlw. Had a guy call me racist for liking a band he also likes (and despite him having no way of knowing my own race) and tell me the babymetal fandom doesn't need my kpop feminist bullshit, which is honestly a great description and I thought about putting it in my yt about lmao. Had a middle aged man unironically say he'd never seen a man be creepy towards bm but fans su and moa's ages calling them hot was creepy. The disillusionment....the level of unawareness is astounding. If you want to see screenshots of some of these comments they are fairly recent in my don't mind me tag; I don't want to see them anymore tho bc they're infuriating so I'm not going to look at them to post here.

Essentially I haven't looked at my channel since may bc men are exhausting and rude and refuse to examine the fandoms they're a part of no matter what. They're told by a woman of the fandom that she's had bad experiences personally and they all start crying about how it's either a lie bc they haven't seen it or unimportant. I did stop reading comments in may and I will never read another one again probably as a result of this shit. Trash men being trash are not worth my time and I refuse to give them anymore of it. I do plan on making more videos tho and let my ~feminist kpop bullshit~ live in their minds rent free.

I will also continue to make fun of metal and the creepy men in this fandom bc it's important and I'm a spiteful asshole who likes disrupting these dudes perfect bubble of a fandom. It genuinely brings me so much joy seeing all the new fans recently (which sidenote if you got into them recently I am kinda curious as to how you found them; I've gotten tons of new followers and considering how inactive they are rn I'm curious). People sending messages about how they finally feel like they belong or that they have a safe space....like I don't even know what to say and I never feel like my responses fully convey how genuinely wonderful that is and how thrilled I am that this is where we're at now and I have had at least some part in it. As this post shows, my experiences have been negative for the most part so the shift recently is such a relief I cannot even begin to explain my gratitude.

So to anyone who read all of this and hasn't disintegrated from the male bullshit, thank you. Keep being yourself and fighting for your place in this fandom, esp if you're a young woman; keep making fun of the creeps and keep making wlw memes!! Babymetal's music is in such a huge way meant for girls and to see more and more finding their way to this previously hellish beyond belief fandom is incredible.

[asotin]

what're your thoughts on castlevania (the netflix show, not the game, ive never played the game) what do you like, what don't you like? make it as long as you want. i don't care if i have to scroll for 5 minutes. go feral (personally trevor is extremely hot and i would like to date sypha. i'm not really into alucard's whole sickly victorian child aesthetic, yknow?)

oh god this is way too long, but you did say to make it as long as i want, and i have a lot of thoughts that i need to inflict on the world

i played two castlevania games, both from the nintendo gameboy era, so please don’t get mad at me, gamers

details below the cut, but since i’ll be talking about season three, i need to preface this with content warnings for mentions of: graphic violence, rape and sexual violence, racism, and the holocaust

before i get into it, i usually don’t go for alucard-type characters either, but knowing that he was redesigned to be bishounen sexy specifically because the boring, middle aged man look he originally had in the games wasn’t appealing makes me enjoy him. and he’s fun with trevor and sypha

do like:

the voice acting

it’s all good. i can’t think of any characters whose voices were awkward or fit poorly. they don't make sypha’s va use the standard flat affect or false high voice women tend to be assigned, trevor sounds suitably worn out but not monotone, and alucard sounds exhausted but in a sexy way

and the spanish dub is killer, arguably superior

the animation & design

it isn’t full-on artsy, but it’s definitely got a distinctive style that’s easy to look at. the color use and effects are gorgeous. it’s a story set in the medieval era, and the mixture of desaturated and oversaturated elements works so well with that

dracula’s castle and the belmont bunker aren't revolutionary in design, but they didn't need to be. they're suitably creepy and empty, and i enjoyed them

the monsters were unique enough to have obvious different types, and the scene where a monster commits blasphemy in a church by accusing a priest of committing blasphemy was good writing

lisa

she shows up to a stranger’s spooky home and scolds him for being rude. she really looked an ancient vampire in the face, told him he had no manners, then had a kid with him. what a phenomenal woman. 11/10, no notes

“start with me, and i’ll start with you.” you know what? i’d fall in love, too

dracula

this ancient, unfriendly vampire let a human woman walk into his home and tell him he’s got no manners. and that made him fall in love with her. just like that. lisa walked in and handed him his ass, and dracula thought “oh i love her”. and when she was killed (more on this in the bad section), he raised literal hell to destroy the world for doing it

speaking of lisa being killed, it fucks me up that it happened because she convinced him to leave the castle and experience the world. he left her alone to see what she loved so much, only to come back and find that the people he’d come to like- the people lisa had loved so much it drove her to help in a way that got her killed- had burned her at the stake. i love a good tragedy, and that’s good tragedy

the way he weeps when he has to fight alucard?? during a showdown in their home?? the “i must already be dead” moment in alucard’s childhood bedroom??? when he speaks to lisa about killing their boy, her greatest gift to him??? poetic cinema.

the trio’s dynamic

three bisexuals with two total brain cells and only alucard bothers using them. incredible

i went so hard for this ot3. it's right there and so good

sypha

she initially seems to be assigned the role of the adult™️ ie she's the only woman and gets stuck being responsible, but surprise! she’s just as annoying and dumb as alucard and trevor. she dropped a castle she didn’t understand on the ground and didn’t think too hard about it. then she argued about breaking it. i love her

if we don’t get an ot3, then she needs to have a dumb gf

alucard

he's got a stupidly low neckline and lower pants. they really leaned into ayami kojima’s redesign, as they should have. his little curl annoys me, though. why the fuck does he have a random section of hair that’s like three inches long when the rest is shoulder length or longer? love that he really looks like lisa

if you say he's canonically bisexual and polyamorous, no he isn't. yes he is. no he isn't :)

trevor

disgusting. a nasty man whose appearance mirrors his state of mind. he's 50 mental illnesses in a dirty jacket and his coping mechanism is… alcohol? maybe? he’s a mess, and i dig it

him trying his trick of kneeing alucard in the balls during their fight? and finding out it doesn't work? (which…… why doesn't it……?) juvenile but suitable

hector

his love of animals makes him my favorite. normally, i won’t touch anything with this much animal death, but i’m willing to set that aside because hector loves them so much. he’s so sweet and kind, and he loves his monster pets

yes he sided with dracula and has some really fucked up ideas about what constitutes humane treatment of people, and yet i love him. 11/10, but i have a lot of notes

isaac

i support him, including his murdering and his decision to support dracula. dracula throwing him out of the castle to save him was so cruel in that it was an attempt at kindness from a man who hated the whole world, but it was against isaac’s wishes

his time with the captain was great

idk enough about islam to know if he's portrayed correctly and haven’t seen any complaints, but given the show’s track record……… i wouldn’t be surprised if it’s not great

the forging

very cool. fresh and interesting! hector creating pet friends is cute and heartbreaking. love isaac for his dedication to reducing, reusing, and recycling

season 2’s big battle with all those vampires

the new version of “bloody tears” is phenomenal

this goes back to the animation, but listen……. it's so good. i loved the smoke vampire, and alucard’s fluid wolf transformations. his flying sword looked really good, and incorporating them together? super good to watch. and trevor’s whip?

the type and level of violence are suitable for what it is. it would be weird for a gritty show like this to be bloodless, but i don't think it would work if it were bloody to the extent of a slasher. it's also more clean violence, if that makes sense. you don’t linger just to look at gore; you see it because stabbing someone spills blood. the games weren't about extended, gritty scenes of realistic murder, so the show sticking with quick, slice and dice type fights fit with what i remembered of them

please watch this fight if you don’t remember it or haven’t seen it (part 1, part 2)

trevor’s whips

trevor’s weapons don’t follow the physics of normal whips, and they shouldn't. they’re heavily stylized and clearly a fantasy weapon, but they still have rules that they (mostly) have to obey. his morning star-whip hybrid in particular is so good 

it’s easy to follow, too. a lot of times, speedy weapons disappear, which is an understandable effect but one i find boring because there’s nothing for me to do. i’m just sitting on my ass with nothing to do

trevor’s whips don’t disappear. they’re fast, but you can always see them. and they have weight! you can see them slow down and gain speed. i don’t need physics to be real; i want movement to be pleasing, and that’s exactly what i get with the whips

don’t like:

fridging lisa

she could have been kidnapped (possibly make dracula think she was dead bc people want to lure out her scary demon husband, idk), then s2 could have ended with her and dracula reuniting as he died. she and alucard go on a trip together to attempt to make amends for the pain dracula wrought in lisa’s name. orrrr she dies a tragic death with him and we’re left to hope that they find each other in the afterlife. do vampires get to go to the afterlife? can alucard reintegrate? can he be happy with his new friends? or will he go back to his crypt and sleep again? will he ever be rediscovered? if so, what will he do? deep questions. i would prefer to cogitate on these instead of experiencing the shitshow that is s3

season 3

they should have ended it with dracula’s death. the quality of storytelling goes down immediately. just plummets. i’m sure there were problems in the first two seasons, but this one is so bad, i genuinely can’t remember

but i may as well get specific, so here we go:

abandoning alucard

trevor and sypha leave their friend alone in his childhood home where he just killed his father. where they helped him kill his father who, as i’ve said too many times, raised literal hell to get revenge for people burning alucard’s mother to death

yt they don’t talk about alucard. they don’t make any plans to touch base ever again. trevor’s entire family got killed. sypha’s culture, from which she’s now estranged, is family-centric. if ever two people should give a shit about alucard and know why alucard shouldn’t be left on his own, it's them

so what the hell is going on?

trevor and sypha’s relationship

look. it could be good. it would be better with alucard but they could be together and it could work fine

but this……….

trevor hates what they're doing. he hates traveling around and fighting. he's clearly tired and deeply depressed

sypha not only doesn't care enough to address it (did they forget the first two seasons?? sypha is annoying partly because she doesn't stop poking people) she might not even notice? yes, she's having fun, but trevor is basically dead on his feet in front of her

racism

hector, sumi, and taka all got done dirty 

sumi and taka

i hate the way they died. i hate that i’m certain that the plot won’t bring japan back into the narrative (or if it does, i don’t trust it not to be shitty). i hate the fact that by killing them off, i’m not going to get any more of them. they were interesting!!

speaking of the japanese vampire: the biphobia, arguably, given what happens with alucard

the addition of sexual violence

i don’t need or want lenore. if all she’d done was manipulate hector, i could have lived with that. she’s a villain, so she does bad things. that’s the point. but what she did was a massive escalation. we hadn’t had any sexual violence, and then the last few episodes gave us 

tumblr feminists who love her for how she treated hector need to be quarantined until their brain worms have been cured

everything that happens to hector

what was this shit? why did i open my netflix app and tap castlevania and find them making this man walk around naked in the cold to torture him? and starving him? he got manipulated, degraded, chained up, collared like an animal, and raped. and why? to show us how bad lenore is? that the other vampires are bad because they let her do it? i didn’t sign up for this

the holocaust reference

the imagery at the end of s3 when it’s revealed that the judge has been killing people he’s decided are undeserving to live and collecting their shoes in that barn was chillingly close to images of shoes taken from victims of the holocaust. there's no reason to invoke the holocaust here. it’s unnecessary and in bad taste

[ckret2]

idk if someone actually finally sent this ask but i'mma do it since it seems people are dancing around it: if you're comfortable with it, may we have some radiosnake sexual headcanons (wherein alastor is not sexually repulsed or is demisexual/grey-ace ofc)?? love, a very happy demisexual who just finished a cold day in hell literally two minutes ago

You win the prize for "actually has the courage to directly ask for sexual headcanons" because no, nobody else has asked yet. Sorry for taking so long to answer it but like... the answer is over 2000 words. Have fun.

Now, anon, I've got something important you should know.

When I brainstorm radiosnake stuff, there's a little chatroom I do it in. What happens is, a lot of times, I'll come up with a scene or a scenario or a plot arc, and I'll describe it to that chat. And then, every once in a while, I'll say, "... and then here's how that same thing goes over in the parallel universe where Alastor Fucks." I have. A looot of little ideas set in the parallel universe where Alastor Fucks.

(He's still somewhere on the ace spectrum in all those ideas—either he's demi or else he's sex-neutral/sex-positive ace, depending on the idea—but he does Fuck.)

However, 1) a majority of these ideas are very clearly set specifically in CDIH's verse, and so I don't wanna share them as broad "radiosnake headcanons" when they're tied to one specific fanfic; and 2) a lot of them are angsty, and if you're asking for general headcanons then I'm assuming what you probably want is them actually having a good time rather than several decades of self-induced suffering over unrequited desire. So if you want CDIH-specific stuff and/or angsty stuff (or, more likely, CDIH-specific angsty stuff), hit me up again and I'll share some more stuff. For now, I'll talk about more general non-angsty headcanons.

Okay so most of this answer is geared toward Alastor's perspective since it's like, it's the more interesting one to me in this context, he's the one gradually figuring stuff out while Sir Pent's hanging out being allo with over a century of having his sexuality sorted out.

So that you know what kinda headcanons I'm rolling with here: there's, like, several ways I can conceptualize Alastor's orientation in my head, and they're sorta ranked by how "true" they are to me. Not "true" as in "how canon I think they are," but "true" as in, like, what Feels the Most Right to me.

The #1 Most True version of Alastor in my head is 100% ace/aro. He's not "repulsed" by sex (or romance, for that matter) in the sense of "disgusted/horrified/never ever wants to hear about it," but he, like, has absolutely zero interest in DOING it. He's not repulsed by the subject but he is by most touch, including the kind of touching necessary for sex. Might have some, like, academic curiosity about sex & romance, might enjoy it in a fictional context simply for the drama it adds to a story, but has no desire to be a participant. He can listen to a friend talk about their sexual escapades in graphic detail for an hour without an ounce of discomfort but if they offer him a quick peck on the lips he goes "I'm out." He might have sex Once just to see what it's like/just to say he has and that’s where his curiosity ends.

So that's my mental Most True Version Of Alastor.

The SECOND most true version of Alastor is like, the exact same as that, except he's just barely demiromantic enough that he might, once, fall in love. The odds of him falling in love are the same as someone's odds of winning the lottery. This is the version of Alastor I use in CDIH and other radiosnake fics, where Sir Pentious happens to have been lucky enough to win the lottery, but also, it took fifteen years before it happened. Alastor's feelings about touch & sex are the same, EXCEPT that whoever he loves is excluded from the Touch Is Unpleasant rule, which opens up a few more possibilities.

And I've got more mental versions of Alastor but that's as far as we need to go to be relevant to this post.

So given the above: Alastor's natural internal pool of Enjoyable Physical Activities that he would be autonomously inclined to want to try with Sir Pentious is broader than "nothing at all" but stops short of actual sex. More like sensual activities.

The not-necessarily-sexual sensual things that are obviously & immediately available on Alastor’s Selectable Menu Of Romantic Physical Activities are gonna be things like:

--Cuddles! We're starting as vanilla as possible, folks. Cuddling and sleeping in bed together. 95% naked cuddles are acceptable, although Alastor is inclined to keep his underpants on. Moving to "underpants" from "underpants AND undershirt" is a Notable Intimacy Milestone for him because like Back In His Day undershirts were part of the required underwear, so to him that's taking off 50% of his underwear. It's like switching from loose boxers to a thong. On the other hand Sir Pent is just, totally nude, because look at him he already isn't wearing any pants, he's got nothing to hide.

--Massage! Neither one of them is any sort of professional but tbh on a scale of 1 to 10 a massage can be as bad as a 3 and still be enjoyable y'know? Alastor tends to offer if he notices Sir Pent is sore and/or if Alastor has decided he's gonna be in Extreme Over-The-Top Performatively* Romantic Mode tonight. He always sort of forgets that the option of being massaged exists until Sir Pent offers it in return, because, like, he thinks of himself as a floating radio voice with an inconvenient meat puppet attached, sometimes he forgets that the meat puppet can be pampered too. And then he sits there in a blissed-out daze while Sir Pent goes holy crap your shoulders are like oak, how have you not snapped your own spine with tension yet.

(*Note here when I say Alastor can get "performatively" romantic I don't mean "going through the motions but isn't feeling the love"; I mean that, like, basically NO romantic gestures come naturally to him because he just isn't feeling the gestures even though he's definitely feeling the love. He's sort of figuring out How To Perform Romance As An Action by drawing on how he's seen it done in books/movies/etc. and picking & choosing the things that seem most fun to him to do. So in a sense he is performing a role that he's conscious of when he interacts with Sir Pent romantically, but that's because "performing a role" is how Mr. Perpetual Radio Host approaches all of life—and he's only performing this one because he genuinely wants to and because he's enjoying it.)

--Body worship! Alastor is really deeply squicked out by touching someone's skin/hair/fur but on the other hand (and maybe specifically because it avoids the squick) he is really deeply fascinated by Sir Pentious's scales, which feel Not At All Like Mammal Skin. He also still does the "??? oh right, I have a body too" thing when Sir Pent returns the attention—but Alastor's like, okay, I’m obviously more familiar with my own body than Sir Pent is, I don’t find my body that interesting but it must still be interesting to Sir Pent.

--Showering together! Sir Pent has figured out that if he starts singing in the shower there is a 99% chance that Alastor will trip over his own pants trying to simultaneously strip down and run to the bathroom so that he can join in on SHOWER DUET TIME. Frankly it's a lot safer to just go "hey I'm about to take a shower, wanna join?" but sometimes he doesn't just to see how fast Alastor shows up.

--Kissing! Making out is completely and always an option. Three of Alastor's most defining character traits are being a radio host (which kind of reduces a person to their voice), his perpetual smile, and his cannibalism. Like 80% of this dude's existence revolves around his mouth. He's absolutely got some kind of oral fixation. He gets into making out—as long as it's with the right person. There is exactly one right person. Sir Pent is okay with this.

Other enjoyable mouth activities:

- Kissing places other than the mouth

- Being kissed in places other than the mouth

- Biting

- Being bitten

And there's the overall list of non-sexual sensual activities that Alastor is into!

... And then eventually at some point Sir Pent is like "no pressure but hhhhypothetically sssspeaking are there possibly any sexual activities you might be interested in trying out" and Alastor is like "What? Oh! Right! Actually forgot sex existed for a bit. Yeah sure fine let’s try it." And that's the point at which they start experimenting with activities beyond Alastor's default activities!

Despite just about everything else with mouths being good, things Alastor is NOT into:

- Blowjobs

They did try. It seemed like a logical starting point. Alastor was like "I've liked putting my mouth everywhere else on this snake, it stands to reason I'll like putting it there too!" He got himself psyched up. He faced down The Dicks. He went, hmm. He stuck his tongue out and poked one.

He went "Yeah this isn't happening."

And Sir Pent went "Honestly you've already surpassed my wildest dreams just by getting that far."

They tried it the other way around too and Alastor went "Yyyye... hmmm... nnnnnooo no, no, don't think so. Not into that at all."

And it took him all of five seconds to reject the mere possibility of ever trying rimming, and the only reason it took that long to reject is because first Sir Pent had to explain what that is.

But everything else with mouths is great! Like. Everything. Sir Pent could go "can you lick my eyeball" and Alastor would go "which one? :)" (Sir Pent would probably not ask for this. But the point is he could.)

Figuring out Alastor's acceptable/enjoyable sex acts was a lot of experimentation like the above with BJs. And what they figured out is: he doesn't want his junk touched. Like. At all. In any context. Which, you know, understandably cuts down on nearly all the sexual options out there. But that’s the hard line: no touching his dick and no touching his butthole. Even if he, like, actively has a raging boner.

(Fun fact that I actually had to do research on, because despite being ace I did not know this due to the fact that I don't have a dick: if you are ace and have a dick there's good odds you'll still pop a boner in sexual situations, even if you have zero interest in what you’re looking at or participating in it. It's like something in your crotch goes "oh! Oh! A naked butt! I know what to do here! We got training for this! Time to ready the cannon!" and something in your brain goes "why the hell are you readying the cannon, we are absolutely not going to use the cannon, the cannon is a major inconvenience here" and the something in your crotch goes "listen, pal, I'm just following my orders. I don't tell you how to do your job, don't tell me how to do mine." The tl;dr here is that when Alastor is experimenting with Sir Pent, he could be completely bored out of his mind and still get a boner because biology is funky like that.)

The first few times this happens Sir Pent goes "are you sure you don't want me to, y'know, give you a handjob or something?? I feel like an inconsiderate jerk not helping out" and Alastor goes "absolutely not" and Sir Pent goes well okay I've made a career out of being an inconsiderate jerk, I guess I can do it in the bedroom too.

What they do manage to gradually figure out is that Alastor is perfectly fine with touching Sir Pent's junk, as long as it's not with his own junk or with his mouth. So hand jobs? Totally fair game. Letting Sir Pent grind against his thigh or abdomen? No problems with that. (Alastor flopped on his stomach going "this really does it for you??" and Sir Pent rubbing in Alastor's tail fur going "... yes." and Alastor is like, "wow. wild.")

More than that, Alastor gradually starts to figure out he likes that. Not necessarily the sensation of having a couple of dicks rubbing on his thigh—that's just sorta weird and probably always will be—but the knowledge of what it's doing to Sir Pent. He likes knowing he's giving Sir Pentious pleasure. He likes hearing him gasp and seeing him writhe and knowing that it's because Sir Pent wants Alastor and that Alastor has the power to give him exactly what he wants. He likes hearing Sir Pent hissing his name and little praises and one-word requests. ("Alastor’s existence revolves around mouths” includes sounds coming out of mouths, he gets more out of words and little noises than he does out of sight & touch combined.)

They figure out that what Alastor enjoys doing best is spooning Sir Pent from behind, wrapped around him to jerk him off. In bed or in the shower or even sitting with Sir Pent in his lap or between his legs. Alastor can put his chin on Sir Pentious's shoulder to listen to the sounds he makes and watch how his long long body moves, he can wrap his free arm around his waist and feel how he tenses and relaxes and squirms, they can kiss (and/or bite, biting is nice) with a little bit of careful positioning...

Also it's easier for Alastor to quietly sing to him from there.

... Alastor sings during sex. For the record. The first time he does it it's a nervous "I don't know what I'm supposed to be saying and it seems too quiet—oh I've got a solution" but soon it's just. A thing he does. Sir Pent gradually goes from "what? seriously? this is what you're doing?" to "lmao you dork" to "well I guess I now have a new kink I will never be able to get rid of, thanks." Sometimes he'll shakily sing along and Alastor's guts will melt into warm goo.

So there's a general overview of the more, like, normal stuff they get up to. Considering that their shared hobbies include things like "murder" and "being better than everyone else" and one of them is a cannibal, I'm sure that once they get down the basics they just get weirder. Copious amounts of blood get involved! Not their own blood. Other people's. 

[androgynousblackbox]

I used to be a fan of creepshow but since she got a bigger following and became buddies with other youtubers she's changed. Idk I feel like back when she was smaller you could critique her and she would listen if it was done in a polite way but as I've seen in the last few days those days are clearly gone. It's always the same shit with youtubers as soon as they get bigger they all see criticism as just some haters and people chasing for clout. She seem spiteful these days.

I used to be a suscriber too until it came out a video of her saying “you must accept criticism as a content creator, no matter how insulting it is, because how else are you as an artist suposed to improve??” and unsuscribed because I hate that mentality. I would still have some of her videos recommended to me and I would watch as white note while doing something else, and for that I can tell there was certainly a shift on the way she handled topics or what topics she used. For one, she stopped talking about general artist stuff or youtubers on the artists community to be more broadly drama. I have no doubt this happened specifically because she must have noticed that general drama is a lot more profitable than art drama. So she started talking about Shane Dawson, James Charles and Trisha Paytas and other trendy topics like that, because that was on everyone’s mind and of course would bring a lot of traffic. All she said was information readibly available for everyone and it wasn’t nothing specially controversial. Until then everything was fine. It was silly drama, after all.But then she started talking more about Onision, Vanity and Yaniv, real known predators/abusers whose crimes are extremely serious and should be handled by authorities, and that is where I think she started to get this idea that she was the chosen one to talk about Real Issues(tm). She is someone with no media traning, no training in law, no training in how to handle these serious topics, just a “normal” person with opinions and, fuck, that seemed to be enough. People were telling her “thank god you are speaking about this”, “this person is so awful, we need people like you dennouncing them”, “you are so right, you speaking the truth, queen, yes, just tell them” and other things that convinced her then that she was doing the right thing. That she was making a difference. That this was good. That no one else was going to do what she was doing, so it should be done.So she started to get sloppier. After all, she just had to report things easy to find online and she would get praise for it. Why would you ever need anything else? I first really noticed this with that video about some lady supposedly faking so many illnesses, injuries and food alergies. This lady is the face of body positivity for a lot of people and also for disabled visibility, so she was big and she faking having all those issues was also big. What a fraud! So Crapshow reunited all the “evidence” and put it out. Hey, guys, it’s Sharon, and today we are going to speak about this lady possibly lying for attention, don’t forget to like and suscribe! She didn’t consult with any disabled person about how common the experiences of that lady actually were. She didn’t stopped to think how common is to doubt disabled people’s struggles and how damaging it can be for them spread the narrative that you can “prove” someone’s disability, that in fact you should, because fakers are bad and we can’t allow them to exist, no matter how disproportianaly affects disabled people and their hability to get the assistance they need. People told her this. There was no way no one in the internet wasn’t going to let her know maybe that was unnecesary and irresponsible thing to do. But the response of people telling her “yeeaaaah, you tell them, queen, you bring down those fakers!”, “my queen Sharon is speaking nothing but the truth!”, “I am so glad you are covering this!” was greater and they were more people, so why shouldn’t listen to them instead? They were the majority, and it couldn’t be that ableism is a thing so normalized that people fell into it without realizing, so case close.Then she talked about MAPs in twitter (don’t drag me to map discourse o I will block you) and once again she was getting praised for her bravery and resolution to save the kiddies, for talking about dangerous people, for talking about Real Issues that were Important. The look from that high horse must have been amazing for her, I bet. From there, it was only a matter of time before she spoke about “cartoon cp”. It could have been loli or shota in general, about how it’s wrong and it’s disgusting and how she cannot believe there are people who seek that content out, when those are lItErAlLy cHiLdReN and bla bla bla. Let’s forget about how she defended just-a-fish from detractors who used him following a loli account as a reason to hate on him and call him a pedophile. Let’s forget about how she defended an artist from backlash after making a grown up version of a teen character. Let’s forget about how she has claimed to be the saviour of big titty drawn ladies because art and it’s fine and you are all too damn sensitive. Let’s forget how none of her videos are age restricted and when she still posted her own speedrawings, a lot of times those drawings were about naked ladies.Let’s forget about all of that. There is kiddies to save, money to make and, hey, this should be easy, right? I am sure someone was “hey, Sharon, now that you are speaking about predators on twitter, how about you speak about this artist that does this disgusting shit. Just look at this lewd images and don’t even paid attention to the context of abuse. These literal kiddies are naked! And they do lewd stuff! You have to talk about this, Crapshow, we need you” and that is all she needed. As I said, she was getting sloppier and sloppier already so easy target (small account), easy subject (kiddies in danger!), easy to talk about (it’s disgusting, therefore this is illegal!), so of course she was going to get into it with her personal disgust as the only reason for anything.As long she keeps being praised for the shit she does, she is never have a reason to change her mentality. I am sure she thinks she only spoked the truth, that this was something that should have happened, that this was important and if no one else is talking about it, then, why else does she have a platform. But the way she reacted to people telling her how wrong she was, that only made it clear she gives a solid fuck about honesty or compassion. It’s all performative, just like antis have always been performative. Can you even imagine Crapshow going against her audience’s opinion on anything, ever? I can’t. 

[gothsic]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO. in his own head maybe

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. lol what fandom does jo have a fandom here???

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. ???

Are they underrated?  YES / NO. / IDK. jo thinks he’s underrated does that count??

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO.

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon?  — Jo is the master of his own story so yeah. I’m following my own canon and whatever I come up with to a T ( unless some good suggestions in writer’s workshops or even here come up! ). He is the main character of my limited series pilot that I hope to write soon called The Insomnia Trap.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  Jonathan has many sides to him. The child of mixed Latinx parents and the youngest of three kids, he has had a relatively normal life ( save for early childhood, when he killed his mother by “accident” - should’ve mentioned that! ) and his very long goth phase in middle/high school, but always deemed himself to be on the outskirts of society. Because he was aware from a young age that he was simultaneously unwanted and unplanned, Jonathan came out of his upbringing with the idea that he never should have existed. This planted in him a very nihilistic, misandrist, and generally flippant view of the world despite pursuing his dream to work in comics and cartoons. Though he was hungry for recognition and dreamed of a world not on Earth, he often found himself to be a ghost wandering the streets of town, looking in on the people having fun in their homes without understanding why they were happy. His insomnia developed when he in his teens, though he still had trouble sleeping as a child after seeing his mother’s mangled corpse at the bottom of the stairs - his doing, of course. Whether he lives with the guilt or not is up to you to decide; it’s my personal feeling that there is a part of him, the human part of him, that feels horrible about what he did. He feels monstrous for it, in fact. This is part of the reason why, if he gets extremely close to someone, he warns them that he’s not a good person; the shred of good left in him. But he also feels his “metamorphosis” into the nihilist that he is today was inevitable, given that he was never supposed to exist in the first place. It should be mentioned, of course, that this nasty cocktail of things has not only stressed his insomnia, but he eventually was pushed into going to a sleep clinic to get to the bottom of his problems once and for all. He only encountered an extremely traumatic lucid dream that forced him to confront his past head-on. He was unable to save his rotting humanity ( D., a small girl that looked like his character Deirdre ), and was eaten alive by The Other, a creature that looked like a younger version of himself and eventually absorbed him into itself. He awoke, now in what can only be described as a constant lucid dream in waking life. He encounters monsters and hallucinations from his dreamspace frequently, and will sometimes see D.’s forest crop up in his backyard. To this day, he still believes D. is alive and well - and, of course, that the object of his obsession, the one person who ever understood him in his point of view, Annie Kaye, is going to one day return to him as he’s always dreamed. Sadly, she could want nothing less to do with his sorry ass.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —   Around the time that The Insomnia Trap was simply going to be a screenplay, I workshopped it every few weeks in my senior Screenwriting class in undergraduate school. The overwhelming response I got was that Jonathan was abhorrent, creepy, and the question a lot of people had was why we were following him versus Adri, his ex girlfriend who was documenting his struggles with insomnia. My only answer to this is that is the point - you aren’t supposed to necessarily like him, I instead invite you to understand why he does the things he does. I’m asking you to do something you don’t like, something that makes you uncomfortable, maybe. I don’t believe entertainment in any capacity should be forced to be all about how “great” a person someone is. He’s a horrible person you can observe at a safe distance, and pick apart - a real puzzle who has his nasty qualities and his strangely good qualities mixed into one. I’m not asking you to forgive him, either. I’m asking you to see him for what he is and judge him for yourself. Jonathan is a gigantic mess of things - he’s deeply traumatized, but has chosen to live a life where he’s given in to his narcissism and self-importance, and he’s deeply hurt many people in his life - the most obvious being Annie, whom he feels he “deserves” after suffering so much in his life ( sure... ). He is in many ways a deeply unlikable character, and I wrote him keeping this in mind. That said, he has his better qualities, though they’re few and far between, that I think can keep him human in the eyes of the audience ( his love of animals, guilt towards his mother’s death, his intense self hatred, his genuine love for his nieces and nephews and for children in general, etc. ). Since he’s the protagonist of The Insomnia Trap, I can only hope that he is a complex and interesting enough character to follow for audiences if/when the limited series gets picked up!

What inspired you to rp your muse?  — Jonathan is based off of a very long personal experience I had, and I’ve always been fascinated by intense psychological horror. The two things came together, at first, when I was 12 and simply evolved from there. Originally, the project was going to be an animated flash movie that was divided into parts - but that of course never happened, I was too young and too impatient to ever do that. Over time, I ended up focusing Jonathan’s character, and he first appeared in high school - sophomore year, actually, in a different context. He’s been in development for a very long time, in other words, and I grew fascinated with a variety of different concepts over the years that got incorporated into his story ( doppelgangers, lucid dreaming, revenge, obsession, tragic protagonists, etc. )! He is one of the most intimate characters I’ve ever created, and I love him to death.

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  Music is a big one, there are specific songs I want to get the rights to use in the project if it ever gets made, and that really helps keep me focused on this blog and develop Jonathan further. Also, threading with my fellow muns and seeing how Jo evolves over time. What’s he capable of? Can he change? Is he capable of change, or is he afraid of it? These are questions that are asked with each character he interacts with, and I sincerely live for it. Also, drawing helps me out a lot too - maybe you’ll see The Insomnia Trap in webcomic form soon... just a thought!

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO / no idea honestly lmao

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO / depends!

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES - I also draw them! / NO, I HATE DRABBLES.

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES! / NO.

Are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO / sorta

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / HAHA NO.

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO. / though i can handle critique, film school definitely hardens you to that!

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?  —  I do. I’ve been explicitly told Jonathan is disgusting and totally unlikable by people to my face, and I have made leaps and strides to prevent my portrayal from going completely in the “this person is deplorable” category that was tempting to head towards. It’s easy to explore someone’s bad side rather than explore their good side, which I can forget about with him. That said, critique really does help me develop my writing further, and I desperately need it even if it can be hard to hear sometimes!

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —  I love questions. If people ask me questions, I do my best to answer no matter what they may be. They can be challenging sometimes, but that’s what makes it so fun!

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  Sure, I’m happy to hear what people have to say. I may not agree with it, but hearing different perspectives is so important in my point of view.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  —  As well as I could. It can be frustrating, but everyone’s tastes are different, so I don’t really take it personally and move on. I’m really here to do what I want to do in the end, as the rest of us are, so I try to prioritize that over any negative feelings I might have.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  —  Again, I just let it be. I’m used to people not really understanding Jonathan or not caring for him while understanding him, and that’s fine! Everyone has their preferences for what they like in leading characters or just characters in general. He is a triggering character with very triggering themes, and I’m writing him from a very prolonged experience I had ( and it’s very cathartic ) so I can understand why people may not want to engage with him or with me. I’m perfectly fine with it and invite people to put themselves first, and I move on like I mentioned in the above question.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  Yes! Please go for it. I literally do not proof my replies before I post them half the time so feel free to let me know if I misuse words or put commas/colons/semicolons or whatever out of place.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   — I think so! I try to be open and inviting to everyone I speak to here, and always encourage people to come talk to me if they’d like to. No pressure though! Roleplay is for fun, and it shouldn’t be anxiety inducing or any kind of work - do things at your own pace here, that’s what I say ( though I’m trying to follow my own advice! ).

That’s about it, congrats for filling out!

Tagged by:  @forseenclade !!. thank you flower... luv Tagging: whomstever wants to !! feel free to tag me so i can see !!

[whatiswhump]

Bucky Alternative Civil War

This takes place right after they capture Bucky in Civil War, an alternative version if he had been sent to an American psych facility. Sorry it’s super long but idk how to split it up and do it justice.

-

“What’s going to happen to him?” “He’s going to be sent to an American psych facility where they will evaluate him. Steve, he doesn’t even know who he is. How can he trust you when nothing anyone has told him for the last 60 years was true?”

-

The case... or containment unit? They were keeping him in was unpleasant but nothing compared to what he knew- or he thought he knew. These electrical charges periodically went through him, while he could feel it in his jaw, hair, teeth, toes… it was worst in his arm. They were clearly meant to render him- and his arm- incapable. They didn’t feed him, not that he noticed nor cared, they didn’t personally address him either, not that he cared about that either. Really, this was more or less the drill he already knew. He was already retreating back into the depths of himself. He had new masters, he didn’t know much but he did know how this went. Even if they said they were the good guys, first the Russians, then Hydra…. Every bureaucracy was capable of whatever it took to accomplish their mission. Bucky didn’t know what they wanted with the soldier yet, but he knew that they were going to get it, regardless of what he wanted. So he let them strap him into this box because he was never going to win. He let them take him wherever they wanted to take him. They didn’t tell him- all as well he supposed, it’s not like he had any effect over it. He tried to sleep or feign sleep whenever possible, squeezing his eyes closed. He could feel the stares, the fear, the fascination, the disgust, the superiority. No matter how accustomed he had become to being gazed at- no privacy whatsoever, it was the one thing that still bothered him the most. The way they looked at him- as a thing to be evaluated. He was a rabid animal- one most would like to put down- but the few were intelligent enough to realize he may have use yet. Those few were the ones that scared him.

There was a plane at one point. He knew that. There were trucks, on freshly paved road. And then finally a stronger volt of electricity and blackness.

He woke up slowly, very slowly. He waited for the soldiers to lift him out of the cryo tank. Who was the newest target? Not that it mattered.

But wait, he wasn’t in cryo? The cold he felt was a floor.. A concrete floor. Why was he on the floor? The details came at an excruciatingly slow speed. He forced his eyes open, to his relief it was dim- he had always hated to wake up to bright lights- how did he know that?

He was curled closely into his side. He wore only a thin hospital gown. He was in a ten by ten room, concrete, one extremely reinforced window in the steel door. His mind flickered back to a Hydra holding cell- where they kept him if missions were short enough times in between to not go back into cryo. But something told him this wasn’t Hydra... But he couldn’t remember what. He tried sitting up but only managed partially against the wall- every muscle in his body ached. This is when he noticed an addition to his metal arm- a disc, a slightly different color but slim and unobtrusive. What was it? With his other hand, he tried to see if it would click off, it didn’t. Maybe it needed to be pulled off? A shock started in his fingertips and traveled and then black.

When he woke up again, he didn’t remember. He tried the same course of action with the disk. His handlers thought that he was being impudent and rebellious. He needed more sedation.

When he woke again, he didn’t remember, but this horrible sluggishness arrested his movements and thoughts more than the previous confusion and soreness. He couldn’t move from his side on the floor. He couldn’t figure out what it was but it reminded him of something unspeakable, some kind of mental anguish that couldn’t be described. He noticed the disk and did not know what it was but he knew it was bad, he knew to be afraid of it. He began to cry. Quietly at first but he began to forget himself and sob, he couldn’t control it. He didn’t know how long he had been heaving and panicking on the floor but at one point there was a buzzing and a click and he knew they were coming in to get him and true panic set in. But he couldn’t control his limbs- not well enough, they were too heavy and lumbering. So he shrank as much as he could into the corner, sobbing harder, trying to brace himself. They were going to take him. They were going put him back into the halo and they were going to make him do unspeakable things.

But instead of dragging him off the floor the hands held him down. There was just a prick of a needle and a slow fading of consciousness, like falling beneath the waves of an ocean. He drowned in the mess of his tears.

But he woke again. But he wasn’t on the floor, he was in a bed. When was the last time he was in a bed? Never? He couldn’t be certain but he couldn’t think of a time when anyone had ever put him in one. He either slept on the floor, the table or was put in the cryo chamber. But he knew this wasn’t the way beds were supposed to be- he was strapped in. Not that he was surprised. When was he not restrained? The answer to that was when they wanted him to kill someone.

“Sergeant Barnes?”

He jolted, he hadn’t realized there was someone else in the room. Why was that name familiar? One of his handlers perhaps- one long dead from many cryo sessions and wipes ago?

His mind was foggy, frustratingly slow, how did they expect to send him on a mission when he was like this? He couldn’t make tactical decisions in this state. But then he realized. Oh god. They were doing more experiments, they didn’t need him in working order this time. Where was the Nurse? He thought she said they wouldn’t experiment on him anymore. Was the Nurse gone? He had a vague recollection that maybe she had left. But he didn’t know. He didn’t know anything.

“Sergeant Barnes, are you with us?”

His eyes landed on a man sitting two and a half feet away from the bed in a chair. A doctor or a scientist? Or both? He was wearing his coat and a clipboard.

He nodded because the question was clearly directed at him.

“Good, you were pretty touch and go for a while there.”

He just stared back, not comprehending that the doctor was attempting to engage in a conversation, they rarely talked to him. If they did, it was to gauge pain or sensations or if with a handler for a mission report. Short questions that expected shorter responses. And rarely in English. It disrupted his programming, he didn’t know why but they avoided English.

“Okay, well let’s start with this, would you prefer my staff and I address you as Sergeant Barnes or James? Which makes you more comfortable?”

He hesitated to speak, knowing that it was not normal protocol, he vaguely remembered a punishment may be the last time he had spoken? He was the Asset? Or the soldier? He didn’t have a name. But at last, when it seemed that the doctor was truly expecting a response, he said, “Who is Sergeant Barnes?”

The doctor looked back at his clipboard, “We were told that you remembered parts of your past...”

He did? Well- he thought he did? Maybe?

“Well, then we will rewind further. Your name is Sergeant James Barnes. Do you know where you are?”

He shook his head no, preferring that to using his voice.  

“You are a supermax security military psychiatric facility in the United States of America. You are here to be evaluated and to receive care.”

That didn’t seem right. He was lying. What use for they have for the soldier here? Was he undercover perhaps?

“James, we are here to help you. But that is difficult for us to do if you do not cooperate. So your bionic arm has been adjusted- with that disk- so that it is normal strength, if you try to pull it off, you will be shocked. Additionally, you are on a course of sedatives, which is why you may be feeling a little odd…. It is to reduce your strength to keep yourself and my staff safe. As well as your panic attacks under control.”

“Panic attacks?” It slipped out before he even knew he had spoken, his voice was sore from disuse.

“Yes James, you have been in our facility for two months but this is our first real conversation. You have been unreachable, either sobbing and hyperventilating or distant and nonresponsive. It did not help that you kept attempting to remove the disk. But there will be no more of that. Will you cooperate now?”

He nodded yes. Did they realize that he would do anything he said? It was in his programming. Maybe they were just testing him? The way Pierce had?

“Okay then let’s start with these.”

Where had that other man come from so suddenly? Had he always been there? The second man in white held a paper cup of pills in one hand and a plastic cup of water in the other. He was bringing them to him. The man’s hand was moving faster than he could track suddenly they were hovering right in front of his face? He felt dizzy. There was another set of hands, where had those come from? They were forcing his mouth open, he didn’t resist. Why would he? The cocktail of pills was tipped into his mouth and his forehead was forced back so that they went to the back of his throat and he swallowed as they held his jaw closed. “Good job, well done James.” The doctor that had not introduced himself said somewhere out of his periphery.

Then things faded again, back below the waves.

Light, subtle.

Something soft? A blanket.

Exhaustion.  Food? No.

No food.

Hands. Grabbing at him. Restraints. Water? Shower. Strong deft hands scrub him. He can only lean against the tile wall his hands are secured to. Too tired. Strong hands guide him to step into thin cotton pants.

He is back in a room alone. Food? No.  Pills? Strong hands. Sleep.

Food? No.

Chair. He is tied down to it. Like Hydra. Like Hydra chair. Where are the scientists? Where is the handler? Only men in white. Something is being forced down his nose.

“You need to eat James.” He hears far away.

No eating. Too tired.

Back to room.

Dreams, terrible dreams, they force him, he has no choice. He fought and he fought and he fought but he cannot win. He completes his mission. The family is dead. Quickly and quietly. Then they scrub the blood off his hands and put him back away.

He is awake, he is screaming. There are hands on him. There is a jacket with sleeves with no ends. There is a prick. He lays there comforted by his arms forced around himself. He feels warm and empty. He does not know who he is.

He wakes up. Pills? Good boy. Get some more sleep.

Food? No. James, we have no other choice.

Bright lights. Table. Restraints. Hydra? He screams. Begs them to stop. They ignore him. He screams louder. He tries to break free. Not again, no more blood. Then a needle, the ocean swallows him again.

He doesn’t remember waking up. James, be a good boy.

Who is James? James needs to swallow his pills. Instead, he swallows James’ pills.

A door unlatches. Footsteps towards him. He shrinks to the wall. Please don’t make me. Please, no more blood. He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to. Strong hands. He lashes out. He won’t. He won’t go. Don’t make him. He lashes out again. Then no hands. Open door? He ventures through. A hall? He begins to run. To where he doesn’t know. He runs. There are alarms. They aren’t in his head. They’re loud, too loud. He needs to get away from the alarms. He comes to a door, it’s locked. He breaks the lock. He keeps going. He breaks another lock. He is outside? There are fences. He is scared. There are people. They have guns. They are all yelling. He falters and falls and gets up to run in the other direction. There are people on the other side. He stops. He tries the other direction. They are all yelling. There are so many guns. He falls and feels the biting snow. He begins to sob. He doesn’t know why they are doing this. This is the way it’s always been. It always ends in a fight. They are yelling but he can’t understand them. He begs no. He doesn’t know what he is begging for. Then there are tasers. He convulses in their grips. His teeth bite through his tongue. It will grow back. His tears are hot. Then the tasers are gone. There are hands on him, strong, too rough. There are restraints. He is forced deeper into the snow. Is he wearing clothing? No, he doesn’t think so. Something around his neck. He is being dragged. His head lolls. Please no more, don’t make him. No more blood. Please.

He wakes strapped down. Everything hurts. He cries. He can’t stop. There are hands on him. He doesn’t care. Everything goes black.

He wakes again. He is numb. He cries. He can’t stop. Why is he crying? He doesn’t know. More hands.

He dreams so much that he doesn’t know when he is awake.

He wakes? “James, that was quite the escape a few days ago.” The man in a white coat says. He knows this man.

Snow, he remembers snow. Outside. He was outside. He runs cold when he remembers the guns, the yelling, the tasers.

“James, that was unacceptable behavior. You are lucky they didn’t shoot you.”

He has been shot before. Lots of times. But he is still here. Why is he still here? But this time he doesn’t think he meant to do what he did?

“James this is your home now. You need to cooperate. If you keep hurting our staff like you did, things will get much much worse for you.”

He hurt someone?

“Do you understand what I am saying?”

He sees the man looking at him still and nods.

“Good. Something to help you understand is your new behavioral collar. If you behave, we won’t need to use it all. We feel we have no choice but to use it since you are so unstable and dangerous to my staff. We cannot risk another day like our most recent.”

He paused, maybe he expected a response from the soldier.

“Well anyway, if your behavior needs to be corrected, a small shock will be administered from the device to encourage you. Do you understand?”

Yes, he did understand this. With his gaze far away he nodded minutely.

“Dr. Ward, can I talk with you more about Sergeant Barnes?” The younger doctor, trotted a couple of steps down the hall to catch up with his colleague.

“Of course, we can go ahead and step into my office. What seems to be the matter?”

“Well, sir, I don’t know if our current action of treatment is getting through to him. We know that Hydra completely hard-wired him into what he is now and as a result he seems to be so confused. I’ve only spent limited time observing him but that combined with the notes, I don’t know if he even knows how to be human. He can’t dress or bathe himself. He doesn’t ever want to eat but he also willingly takes his medication every time. When he is left alone he seems to forget himself and zone out completely if he isn’t sobbing afraid of and overwhelmed by his own emotions. Sometimes I think if he were left on the floor, he wouldn’t move until someone lifted him from it. I think Hydra made him completely dependent so that he could not run away. He has no idea how to process things if people don’t tell him how to and even then he doesn’t seem to understand or remember much-”

“Well, Doctor, if you seem to know so much from your limited observations then how do you suggest we continue?”

“Um. Well I think the first step would be to lessen his sedation and take off the behavioral device, he has been trained how to behave almost his entire life, I’m not sure if this would be an improvement. He also needs to be able to form proper thoughts if he is going to start healing, he can’t do that with what he’s on.”

“Dr. Hall, you are forgetting something very important. He is a trained assassin with super strength and a metal arm. He is one of our most dangerous patients. He might be clueless but he could just as easily be still under Hydra’s thumb. But... I agree with you in one respect, our current treatment plan is not working. I was hoping that by giving him time to adjust to his surroundings and let the medication take full effect that he would be in a place where we could reassess and go from there in a more gentle way but now I am beginning to think he requires a stronger approach.”

“Well, I wouldn’t be so sure-”

“Doctor, are you questioning my professional opinion? One with many more years of experience than your own?”

“No- no sir.”

“Very well, then I would appreciate your support in this. I was planning on starting a speech based therapy among other things and I was hoping that you would be the man for the job.”

“Yes, sir.”

[master-sass-blast]

Henlo, it's me, your local trash monster here to say I love Hannah and I can't wait to hear more about her?? That being said, GIMME ALL THE SAD GOODS ABOUT HER. But also add in something happy about her in the end! ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ ((Also sending hugs! I know things have been stressful the last few days so just know I'm rooting for you !!))

Holy fuck I think this is the first time someone’s ever told me to cut loose and just SAY ALL THE THINGS AND I’M SO EXCITED!!!! :D

(Answers under the cut because I just went with the entire list. I have no self control.

And thank you for the hugs and encouragement!)

1. What is one word to shut them up: Okay, for some context, Hannah is a lawyer. She has a thick skin (unlike me, heyoooo). It takes a lot to shut her up; she’s an HBIC and she owns it.

But if someone starts talking about her scars (she’s struggled/struggles with self-harm), she shuts down. It’s a part of her she’s still self-conscious about, and if someone mentions it she’ll literally stop mid-sentence and mentally exit the conversation.

2. What is the thing they feel the most guilty about: Again, she’s got a pretty thick skin, so she doesn’t hold onto too much. Life happens, you make mistakes, and it’s better to learn from them rather than beat yourself over the head for something you can’t change anyway.

If there’s something she’s going to feel guilty about, though, it’s fights or incidents she’s had with family members/close friends where she’s hurt them with something she’s said or done. She holds herself in high accountability to ensure that she doesn’t step all over people, and when she does she fails not only them but her expectations for herself, so yeah. Guilt.

3. What is the worst pain they’ve ever experienced: Physical pain? Probably different injuries from her career in martial arts. She’s a tough cookie, but some of that stuff just hurts.

Emotional pain? Anytime she fails her expectations for herself. She has very high standards for herself, and when she can’t reach them she becomes very depressed (more so than usual).

4. Describe their worst nightmare: Actual dream? Anything where she’s drowning or running out of air. She almost drowned a couple times as a child/preteen, and the trauma still emerges in her adult life from time to time.

Real life “this is a nightmare” scenario? Any point where her depression gets so bad that she stops being functional. Things just start piling up and get overwhelming very quickly.

5. List 3 fears; one “surface level” fear, one “repressed” fear, and one “deep dark” fear: 1.) Drowning, which runs pretty deep but it’s an obvious one that she’s done a lot of therapy work for, and she doesn’t mind talking about it with other people. 2.) Wasps. She accidentally got locked into a shed with an active wasp nest in it as a child. She made it out alright, but the sheer terror of the situation made her repress the memory. She’s heard the story from friends and family, and “gets” why she’s scared of the fuckers, but can’t actually recall the incident itself. 3.) The dark. A side effect of depression is paranoia, and when she’s alone, in the dark, she can’t shake the feeling that there’s some sort of creature watching/following her. When her depression gets really bad, she has to sleep with a light on to keep from flipping out.

6. What is something that never fails to make them feel sick: She’s not naturally squeamish, but the sounds of belching (ala college frat boys, y’all know what I mean) make her stomach churn.

7. What feature (physical or otherwise) do they hate most about themselves: Her scars. She’s very ashamed of them, and goes out of her way to wear long sleeved shirts so she can hide them.

8. Do they have anything that triggers them: Feeling like she’s failed her own expectations/expectations others have of her, accidentally inhaling water, the ‘buzzing’ sound bees/wasps make.

9. What is their greatest physical weakness: Her height. She might be a kickass lawyer and an even kick-assier martial artist, but she barely clears five feet.

10. What is their greatest mental weakness: Her struggles with self-hatred. She’s her own worst enemy a lot of the time.

11. Do they have any vices: Not really. Not as far as serious vices go. She’s pretty grounded.

12. Have they ever done something illegal? What was it: Nope. She knew she wanted to be a lawyer from day one and made sure her record was spotless.

13. Which of the 7 Deadly Sins best describes them: Pride? I think that one comes closest? Again, since she really doesn’t have a vice or a thorn in her side, it’s hard to pick something for her.

I think Pride comes closest because she spirals when she fails to live up to her own expectations, which I think often comes with a bit of ego (at least in my experience with that sort of thing). She’s also got a lot to be proud of (lawyer, martial artist, financially independent), but she’s not a walking ego either?

Idk. This is a weird question, lol.

14. Are they prone to outbursts (of violence, extreme emotion… exc… ): Not really. Don’t get me wrong, she can get there, but it takes a lot. She’s very collected (and usually swings the opposite way; she’s more likely to cold shoulder you if she’s mad).

She does threaten to shove her Prada stiletto sideways up Hank Pym’s ass, though. So there’s that.

15. Who do they hate the most: Guys who use her height against her by cornering her into spots while they try to ask her out/talk to her about something. It’s the fastest way to wind up on her shit list.

16. Is there anyone who makes them feel inferior: Herself. She’s her own worst enemy.

17. What sound always gives them a headache: Her coworker Tracey’s text/notification sound. Which is always going off because Tracey’s always talking to someone.

18. Is there a certain flavor that disgusts them: Not really. She’s half Japanese, half ethnic Jew, and a practicing Jew to boot, so she grew up on a pretty broad flavor palette.

She’s tried a bacon cheeseburger once on a dare, though, and she hated it.

19. Do they consider themselves ugly: Not really (outside of her scars). She’s pretty confident in her appearance.

20. Do they consider themselves unloveable: Again, not really. She’s spent a lot of time in therapy, which helps, but she’s always had her feet pretty well on the ground.

21. What is something that causes them great anxiety: The prospect of losing. She’s very competitive.

22. Do they have any mental illnesses: Depression.

23. Have they ever been assaulted/abused/raped: She’s run into the usual guys that like to try and use her size against her, but they usually wind up worse for wear than she does.

24. Do they fear the possibility of being assaulted/abused/raped: Yes. She’s five feet tall and doesn’t clear 110 lbs. She’s very aware that she’s got “TARGET” written across her back.

25. Have they ever been betrayed by someone they thought they could trust: Fortunately, no. Most of her close relationships come from communities she knows well (school, work, the temple she attends in LA), so she hasn’t had to deal with too much betrayal.

26. Have they ever been seriously injured: Yes. Even outside of her struggles with self-harm, she’s a martial artist. She’s broken a few bones over the years from that.

27. How many times have they been in the hospital: Five. Three for some pretty drastic self harm incidents, and two from sparring injuries.

28. Is there a certain type of person that disgusts them: Obviously, she has frustrations with asshole guys, racists/anti-Semites, but she cannot stand people who work in organizations that prey on the disenfranchised (ala military recruiters going to schools in impoverished areas to fill their quota because they know how to trick the kids into trying out and all that). It gets her blood boiling fast.

29. Does what they cannot see scare them: Yes. Again, this shows perfectly with her fear of the dark.

30. Have they ever been bullied: Yupp. For her heritage, her beliefs, her mental health struggles, her size... High school sucks.

31. Do they have self-confidence or self-image issues: Yes and no. Again, she’s pretty confident about most things in life, but she does have certain weak points (her scars, living up to her own expectations, her height).

32. Do they have a bad relationship with their parents: Actually, no! She has a good relationship with both her parents and her extended family!

33. Have they ever been in a relationship that didn’t work out so well: Not in the drastic sense of things. She’s been through a few break ups, sure, but nothing that was abusive or crazy.

34. Have they ever self harmed: Yes. It’s something she still struggles with as an adult.

35. If they could change one thing about themselves, what would it be: Her scars. She’d make them disappear.

36. Are they in control of their emotions, or are their emotions in control of them: She’s pretty well in control of her emotions.

37. Have they ever had their freedom taken away: Not really, no.

38. Have they ever been imprisoned: Nope.

39. Have they ever been accused of something they didn’t do: Not in any serious sense. Her reputation for toeing the line was too well known for her to be accused of something she didn’t do.

40. Do they often blame themselves for other people’s problems: She did as a teenager, but dutiful therapy and self-care has helped her outgrow that habit.

41. Do they get sick often: Nope! She’s pretty healthy.

42. Are they comfortable with where they are in life: She’s content, but not complacent.

43. Do they wish that they could change their pasts: Yes. Again, she doesn’t like her history with self-harm. If she could erase that, she would.

44. What’s one thing they wish they could do more often, but can’t: Travel. Her job’s pretty demanding as far as hours go.

45. What is the emotion they most commonly experience: Melancholy. No matter what she’s doing, it’s sort of always hanging around her, like a tiny cloud.

46. Have they ever contemplated suicide: Yes. Unfortunately, it’s a side effect of the depression.

47. Have they ever gone so far as to attempt suicide: A couple of times, when she was teenager.

48. Is there anyone that they would willingly kill: Outside of self-defense/the defense of others? No.

49. If [name] was put into ______ situation, they’d rather die than live to see it through: Being forced to reject her identities as a Jew/person of Japanese heritage. Her families have made it through so much (internment camps, persecution, the Holocaust), and she’d rather die than erase her own identity.

50. Create your own: Alright, I’m gonna put the happy one here so we end on a high note!

She’s a firm believer in the need for “mah” (the Japanese word for “emptiness), or a moment to pause and do nothing. It’s easy to see that reflected in how she practices meditation, follows Shabbat, or takes time each day to simply be.

However, she also believes that the principle of “mah” is what makes her and Luis work so well as a couple. She is the silence to his constant chatter and helps him keep his feet on the ground. Likewise, he keeps her from living inside her head and helps her connect to the world.

They’re just such opposites attract. Ugh, I love them so much!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #413

“i figured it out: the bigger the river, the bigger the drought”

When was the last time you felt like “getting into someone’s pants”? Years ago. What is your favorite energy drink, if you have a favorite at all? I don't enjoy energy drinks. Would you have kids with the last person you kissed? Neither of us want kids, so obviously no. Do you know someone who threatens to kill themselves? No. Would you ever completely dye your hair the color green? Noooo, that would look so awful on me. Have you ever been in a long-distance relationship before? Yep. What is your favorite food to eat around Christmas? Chocolate-covered peanuts. I have warm memories tied to snacking on those at a lights show one year. Do the people in your town speak like rednecks? Oh yeah. When was the last time you cried happy tears? I couldn't possibly tell you. How liberal are you? Considerably, but I'm not incredibly far into the spectrum, but I become more liberal as time goes on, I've found. Would you mind living near large predatory animals? Not really. So long as they're not coming into my house or anything. Have you ever experienced altitude sickness? No. Just ears popping. What’s your biggest priority right now? Reach a mental state where I can handle a job. If you’ve stayed overnight in a hospital, how did you entertain yourself? A loooot of reading... Are your hands unsteady? Very. I have bad tremors in my hands. Do you listen to a lot of mainstream music? Not at all. Do you think you’re pretty? No. Have you ever added someone you don’t know on Facebook? It's funny, the one instance where that's happened was with Jason, because I mistook him for a Jason I actually knew of and wanted to be friends with. I have friends on there I haven't met in person, I say I "know" them. Do you have dirty pictures in your phone? No. Have you ever looked up porn on the internet? No; I just don't get the appeal. Would you ever shoot someone right in the face? In a case of self-defense where I was clearly trying to be killed, that's right where I would aim. But otherwise, of course I wouldn't. Have you ever sold drugs? No. I'd prefer to stay outta jail. Did you ever try cutting yourself? Yes, and it does nothing but make the situation worse. Who’s the last guy you texted? My dad. Who do you know that wears the most make up? Probably my friend Summer, but I mean, she is a cosmetologist. Do any of your friends have kids? Lots do. Have you ever been tied up? No. How many times have you been cussed out? One. Are you anyone’s first love? I think. Have you ever had an out-of-body experience? No. Do you have more than one personality? No. Do you prefer gory horror films or the psychological ones? Psychological. Do you have a favorite YouTuber or do you not watch much YouTube? I survive off of YouTube, and Markiplier is *obviously* my favorite. Are you a good dancer? Even when I WAS a dancer, I don't think I was great, except in clogging. If you could find one long-lost friend of the past, who would it be? Megan. Was your sixth grade teacher a man or a woman? I had multiple instructors for different subjects. Have you ever had any teeth pulled? No. Do you wash your hair or your body first when taking a shower? Hair. Have you ever been to a nursing home? Yes. Have you ever lived in a house that has been broken into? No, but the Bloods gang tried to while my sister and her best friend were home alone in my childhood home. Thank the fucking Lord they couldn't manage. They just left a flag at our doorstep. If I remember the timeline correctly, that was the final straw for us moving. Is there someone in your life you don’t want in it? No. How many different people of the opposite sex have you cried over? Just one, in the romantic sense. I've cried over my dad when he left us too, though. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Sara. Has anyone ever told you they were in love with you? Yes. Pretending to “never get the text” from someone who annoys you. Is that you? I've done it before, but I really don't get texts from anyone who annoys me. If your ex came up to you and asked you to take them back, what would you say? I know I say I shouldn't be in a relationship right now, but I know I still would with one, and if it was Jason, he'd have a LOT of proving himself to do before I take him back. Do you prefer boys to shave down there? I prefer men to do whatever the hell they want with their own bodies to feel comfortable and at home in it. How much does your mother know about your sex life (or lack thereof)? Not a lot, because I find the subject extremely uncomfortable to talk about. She knows my "idk if I'm *actually* a virgin" crisis I had, because I was so upset with not knowing and wanted her opinion, but that's just about it. Do you enjoy watching cooking shows? I mean I don't hate them, but I don't really watch TV. Do you worry about gaining weight? I'm terrified of the idea I might keep gaining weight. Have you ever seen the movie A Walk to Remember? Cliche or worth watching? Yes, and I think it's a wonderful movie. The book was excellent, too. What’s one event your town has that you don’t like to participate in? I don't participate in any event my town has organized. Are any of your siblings married? What are their spouses' names? There's Josh, Franky, and Nick. Do you like being home alone or does it freak you out? I like it for a while. I eventually get lonely, though. Did you lose friends when you started dating someone? No. Did you leave milk and cookies for Santa when you were little? Yeah. To who did you last give the finger to? Some driver being fucking stupid. Do you talk in your sleep? A lot. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Yes. Have you ever been a featured member on any website? Yeah, a SH fansite. Do you feel that your previous relationships were a waste of time? Only one was. Do you prefer hot chocolate with or without marshmallows? Without. Which do you like better: Regular cakes or cookie cakes? Regular, for sure. I mean I like cookie cakes, they're just... kinda boring as "cakes." Have you ever been hit by the opposite sex? No. If your significant other cheated on you, would you take them back? Nnnnnope. What was the last song you listened to? A slowed version of "Daddy" by PSY. Shut up. What do you look for most in a friendship? I guess the #1 trait would be... uhhh... supportive, maybe. There's obviously much more to a good friendship than just that, though. If the Internet never existed, what do you think you'd be doing now? Reading. I think I'd be a much more avid reader without the Internet. Have you tried something new at a restaurant lately? No. If your skin could be any color of your choice, which would it be? Ugh, I'd love to have like, porcelain skin that has like no flaws to it. Do you know any German words? A decent amount, seeing as I took four semesters of the language. Vegetables: Better raw or cooked? Uhhh idk. I don't like enough vegetables. What is the cutest animal? Maybe I'm biased, but meerkats. Would you mind dating someone significantly shorter than you? No, and the idea that some people have actual cut-offs for how short their partner can be disgusts me. Who the fuck cares how tall someone is. It's not like they have any say WHATSOEVER in it. Have you ever swam in the Atlantic Ocean? Yes. The Pacific? No. Can you make yourself cry? No. Have you ever held a starfish? I know I haven't held a live one. Have you ever been ghosted before? No. Did you ever play Imvu? No. Did you ever get caught watching porn? No, considering I've never watched it. What's the worst feeling in the world? Heartbreak. Not being good enough to someone whose opinion you deeply cherish. What's the BEST feeling? Love bringing people together, hence why I love things like Pride parades and such. As well as when you accomplish something you've really worked hard for. Do you think weed culture is annoying? Some people can definitely take it too far to where it's like the only thing that matters to them. People who say weed isn't addicting have NOT met the people I know. I'm not against use of marijuana, but goddamn, a drug should not be your entire world. Have you ever stayed in a relationship even though you didn't love that person? No. If I'm not into you, I'm out. Do you ever listen to "lo-fi hip hop" on YouTube? No. What's the worst prank someone has ever done to you? I've never had a real prank pulled on me. What color hair did your first crush have? Brown. What type of shoes do you find the most comfortable? Nice sneakers. I really only wear flip flops, though. Do you know a lot of people who have the same middle name as you? Yes, considering it's ridiculously common. Do you like your middle name? I mean it's pretty, but waaaaay too unoriginal. Would you ever audition for American Idol? Nope. Have you ever visited your state's capitol building? No. Have you ever visited your nation's capitol building? No. Have you ever felt an earthquake? No. Have you made any huge mistakes? Yeah. Do you believe anyone is asexual? Um, yes???? Do you do all the chores yourself? No.

[noqueenbutthequeeninthenorth]

season 5

Season 5 was actually better than I remember. I still think they do a shitty job of making Sansa’s marriage to Ramsay make any goddamn sense in Littlefinger’s overall ~scheme~ but once I accepted that I could move past it. As Sansa says in season 6, either he knew what Ramsay was and he’s her enemy or he didn’t know and he’s an idiot. Neither quite makes sense.

And obviously I love Sansa and this season both sucks and is important to her character arc. Sophie does a lovely job as ever. IDK. It was hard to watch.

The lead-up to Jon’s betrayal is pretty good. I was never a huge fan of the Olly character but I appreciated what they were trying to do with him.

I also honestly forgot that it took so long for Jon and Tormund to become friends??? Like, in my head they’re BESTIES but actually Tormund doesn’t come around on him until they go to Hardhome in 5.08.

Hardhome is still good, btw. It’s a good battle. Honestly, I thought it was episode 9 because it feels like an episode 9.

The shit that goes down in the House of Black and White makes NO SENSE. I just need to get that out there. I hate the faceless men tbh and I wish Arya had done something else. I get it, like in terms of her plot and character arc and all that. I just hate them and find their cult extremely annoying.

I’m hoping if TWOW ever comes out, we get a little more convincing build up from “Stannis is a difficult man but he loves his daughter” to “Hell yes let’s burn Shireen!” Anyway, Shireen is PRECiOUS and did nothing wrong and deserved better.

Speaking of people who are precious and deserved better: MYRCELLA. I love her.

The Dorne plot sucks and we all know it. I still am not quite sure where the Dorne plot was going in the books but it was obviously LOADS better than this shitshow. And don’t even get me started on the stupid fucking sand snakes being characterized as super sexy poison temptresses or whatthefuckever. The entire thing where one of them keeps flirting with Bronn is insane, it’s like an old man’s disgusting fantasy. “Bad pussy.” #NeverForget

Cersei’s plot in this season is amazing bc it goes from her thinking she’s so smart and fucking with Loras and Margaery in majorly evil ways and us as viewers wanting her to get caught out for being a hypocrite, to us as viewers ROOTING FOR HER because the shit she goes through is so awful. Like, I don’t root for Cersei longterm. But her imprisonment? The walk of atonement? It’s such disgusting bullshit that I end up CHEERING when Qyburn and FrankenMountain show up to help her. And those dudes are the creepiest!

Obviously a lot of this is due to Lena Headey being AMAZING. Her face is soooo good.

I also think Jonathan Pryce as the High Sparrow is QUITE good. I hate him, but he’s excellent at being extremely earnest while doing despicable stuff that he genuinely believes is good.

Sam and Gilly. Cute as HELL.

So it turns out I was wrong that Tyrion never feels bad about killing Shae in the show, so that’s .... nice I guess. It doesn’t really help but it’s. Something. I’m trying to not hold this grudge forever. The show just fucked this up so bad.

Okay and that brings us to Daenerys and Mereen. Honestly? I think this plot is good because ruling is EXTREMELY hard. In the books I really fell in love with Dany during this arc, believe it or not. She felt the most HUMAN to me because for the first time since she’d gotten her dragons, she was running up against problems she couldn’t just burn down. In the show it’s not nearly as complex obviously, but they do a great job of conveying 1) how dangerous the dragons are, and 2) the fact that Dany truly doesn’t seem to know much about Mereen, nor did she have any political plans beyond “end slavery,” which, while obviously very good, isn’t a full plan to run an entire place. And the thing is? Dany realizes this. She herself says that if she can’t rule Slaver’s Bay, how will she rule Seven Kingdoms? She says that she won’t abandon Mereen and let the people she freed end up enslaved again. And yet .......... ultimately, what happens? Dany wants to do good, and she’s an excellent conqueror, but an excellent conqueror does not an excellent ruler make and unfortunately she kind of ends up using Mereen as basically an experiment that goes really wrong, before deciding, fuck it, off to Westeros, let’s leave Daario “let’s just kill everyone” Naharis in charge.

Sidenote: Am I the only one who feels kinda bad for HIzdahr? Like, he’s a little shit from a family of shits, but he works very hard to accommodate Dany, offers her tips on how to better rule and understand Mereen, and for that he’s threatened with being burned alive, imprisoned, and then forced to marry the woman who threatened/imprisoned him ... and then ultimately get killed by the very people he was trying to help smooth things over with.

I’m still frankly unconvinced by Varys backing Dany. Like, sure, she’s the best option among the known field of contenders, but he’s also seen no evidence that she has the capacity to rule the Seven Kingdoms with any success. I’m not saying he shouldn’t back her, just that he doesn’t even MEET HER before he joins her side. He arrives in Mereen just as she disappears on Drogon and is left to rule the city with Tyrion.

More on Dany disappearing on Drogon. I do feel like..... that’s the moment where she decides: her dragons are more important than her people. I think it’s crucial that she makes this decision. I think she still cares about the people, still very much wants to do good, but she was the Mother of Dragons before she was Mhysa, and that’s still where her priorities lie. The occasional dead little girl is worth the cost of her dragons’ existence and freedom, and her own goals.

Missandei and Grey Worm are still just THE BEST, their romance is so lovely and sweet and slow-burn. 

[dead-dialogs]

Adventures in Roasting Dead People, ep. 1

I was watching Godless on Netflix with a friend of mine the other night (great miniseries, go watch it, it has lesbians), and without getting spoilery, there’s several characters who work for a mining company back east who I would very much like to be dead (spoilers, they do not, much to my disgust). They’re vile, awful people, and not just in a mustache-twirly “hu hu hu, i’m the antagonist of this program!” way. My friend said at one point, “man you really have a retroactive bone to pick with mining companies,” and after contemplating it for a full day, I do really have a retroactive bone to pick with mining companies. So strap in folks, it’s about to get salty as hell in here.

Under the cut because it got long: 

First, a little background - mining has been A Thing in the Americas for millenia, dating all the way back to the Archaic period. The oldest known mining site in the Americas dates back at least 10,000 years, and we’ve (by which I mean archaeologists and not actually myself directly) been finding copper bells all over Central America and the American Southwest dating back to somewhere in the range of 900 AD. But it’s not really until the Spanish show up that we begin to see the “furious scramble to rip everything possible out of the bosom of the earth” type of mining that I think most of us are familiar with. Spanish mines were run largely on slave labor - first the indigenous peoples, who died in massive numbers between the forced labor and the Columbian Exchange diseases, and then imported Africans (although by this point most of the slave labor force had been diverted to cash crops rather than mining). Jamestown was founded for the purpose of mining for English interests, which is part of the reason almost everyone starved on multiple occasions.

In 1829, we get our first truly American gold rush, in which white people flagrantly disregard the fact that the Cherokee were definitely here (meaning North Carolina and Georgia) first, followed by the 1849 California Gold Rush that everyone knows, the 1859 Rocky Mountain Gold Rush, the Black Hills Gold Rush in 1874, and the Klondike Gold Rush in 1899. These are where we get that Stinky Pete caricature of the prospector - grizzled, gray bearded, rocking the suspenders and the beat-to-shit felt hat - although that’s also wrong, if we’re talking about the average characteristics of prospectors. People of all ages, including women and other minorities, came in droves for a chance at placer or surface gold.

And then the mining companies show up.

(Stinky Pete, for anyone who hasn’t seen Toy Story 2)

Now, to be fair, mining companies do have a pretty fair reason for existing. Most gold (and silver, and copper, and coal and uranium and and and) needs lots of startup cash to get at - with surface gold (and maybe silver?? idk I’m not a fucking geologist don’t @ me), all you really need is a big ass pie tin and the patience to stand in a cold creek all day swirling dirt around. Maybe a pickaxe and/or shovel, if you’re real ambitious about it. Once the surface stuff is played out, however, you need lots of labor and equipment to dig down far enough to start mining veins. And with things that aren’t as sexy as gold and silver, like coal for example, no one wants to be mining that shit alone in their backyard unless they’re some kind of like, goddamn sociopath or whatever.

However. Mining companies are still the fucking scum of the earth, if for no other reasons than those that make all groups of more than four people (men) motivated by Having Shit just absolutely fucking awful. Oh, Mining Industry, how do I loathe thee, let me count the ways:

#1 - They exploit the shit out of previous inhabitants.

Now, do not get the wrong idea, the humble, individualistic prospectors of the gold rush days do not come out of this unroasted - the Georgia Gold Rush was a direct motivation for the Trail of Tears, the reason why we only have one tiny corner of a reservation in Colorado is because the territory was the epicenter of a major mineral boom, the Black Hills Indian wars were a direct result of prospectors breaking multiple treaties to mine an area sacred to multiple tribes, and I’m sure we did something fucking horrible to the indigenous peoples of Alaska during that gold rush, too. But in general, mining companies spelled disaster for Native Americans more than individual miners did, because mining companies have lobbyists who can “encourage” Congressmen to “protect” “business” “interests” by “reigning in” the US Army’s approach to land treaties in the west. (Which is itself a very fascinating story that I will definitely have to tell later because woof did we fuck that up real bad.)

But if that’s not enough for you to find deeply upsetting (congratulations you’ve got some racist ideology happening and you should get that checked out), mining companies were also awful to white people too!! (And also black people like whoa, but like, there’s a solid 40 years in there where slavery’s still legal, I think everyone pretty much called that.) Mining companies were notorious for illegal land grab tactics (usually aided and abetted by government agents in charge of land distribution and incorporation), and also for obtaining already claimed land by any means necessary. If that meant paying you to leave, cool. If that meant burning down your house, also fine. If that meant shooting an assortment of people living on said property, that’s just business. We call this shit the Wild West for a reason, and it’s not just because of cattle rustlers. This shit lasts more or less up to the 1890s, specifically 1893 when the US Census Bureau and a guy named Frederick Jackson Turner declare that the frontier is closed. (I don’t know why, like 50% of Nebraska still doesn’t qualify as “populated”.) However, what does not end in the 1890s is how absolutely shitty mining companies are to the people who work for them.

#2 - They exploit the shit out of their workers.

I know, I know, capitalism is deeply broken, #staywoke, etc. etc., this isn’t news. But almost literally nowhere else is that more evident than extractive industries, and mining in particular. Even if you jump the pond back to England where the concept of industrial coal mining really got its start, mistreatment of workers (particularly children, see image below) was shockingly bad.

In the US, mining companies primarily targeted immigrants fresh off the boat from places like Ireland, Greece, Italy, and eastern Europe, and then once slavery had been (nominally) dealt with, they started going after newly freed slaves. What do these groups have in common? Extremely limited resources, lack of concrete physical ties (often their possessions could fit in a few suitcases, and very rarely did they have extended families present to share the burdens of living expenses, childcare, etc.), and very low levels of social respect. Listen, guys, WASPs have been shitty to immigrants since we were immigrants - if I had to write an essay that started “What I learned in History School is,” that’s probably the one constant I’d put down. And in the wake of the Civil War, sure slavery wasn’t legally a thing anymore, but people still really really wanted it to be a thing. (And don’t even get me started on the whole pre-war “We’re not racist, we want to enslave poor white people too” argument, like jesus.)

So mining companies in particular figured out a way to do this that was completely legal. Recruiters would sell you what seemed like a great gig - paying work, no experience required, a house provided for your family, a well-stocked general store for all your physical needs. We’ll even pay for your travel expenses! What they don’t tell you up front is that they’re going to pay you in what are essentially Chuck E. Cheese tokens called scrip, redeemable only from that well-stocked general store, which is selling goods for up to 5x what the rest of the country is paying for them. Some companies would allow you to exchange their gross Monopoly money shit for actual US dollars, but they’d tack on a nice little “exchange fee” which, like, they’re already paying you next to nothing, so it’s not like you can actually save anything to leave.

Another trick that mining companies (and also railroads, which kind of go hand-in-hand for most of the 19th century) used to cut labor costs was to rent convicts from jails. So like, basically slavery? But legal slavery. Because of course no one actually wanted the 13th Amendment or anything. Jesus.

This is all awful, you’re thinking, why would people just let this happen? As far as I know, the earliest mining strike in the US is in 1865, in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, as a result of the mining company cutting wages after the Civil War (literally the earliest they could get away with it, since the Union Army needed iron for the war). The US Army sent the USS Michigan up from Chicago twice to put down the strike at the request of the company. For the most part, mining strikes arise from pay disputes and/or crazy hours, with union recognition coming in a close second. As we get into the last half of the 20th century, strikes about health and safety concerns start to come up, but honestly the Industrial Age is a hellspace of work-related terrors, so I guess that didn’t really ping anyone’s radar before then? Who knows.

#3 - They exploit the shit out of the environment.

Though there are some small-scale environmental consequences of non-mechanized mining, the advent of the mining companies in the west was the beginning of a number of very serious environmental disasters throughout the 19th and first half of the 20th century. In particular, mining for precious metals is a goddamn nightmare, for a couple reasons:

There’s a reason they’re called precious metals -- there’s not huge quantities hanging out in one spot very often. Therefore, it takes significantly more invasive procedures to get the same volume as other mining products.

Separating ore requires a lot of work: pulverizing ore, smelting (which requires a large and steady feed of fuel to keep temperatures high enough to reliably melt out metals from ore), and in the late 19th century, industrial chemists discovered that mercury and cyanide did a much better job getting gold out of ore than fire did. (Side note: if you have a 19th century/Victorian au for any piece of media involving hackers, they’re hereby required to be industrial chemists. Those people were borderline supervillains.) In addition, arsenic and sulfuric acid are really common products of the ore smelting process, so all of those highly toxic substances just get, like, dumped into the environment.

So right away, you have some cool deforestation, massive erosion, and pollution of the local water system, which is 100% guaranteed to fuck up the ecosystem. Fish die, vegetation dies, catastrophic erosion causes huge damage to the landscape, which is great. The practices that cause those things also have a tendency to cause more explosive disasters like:

Fires - Coal mines in particular have a habit of exploding with very little warning, but any mine can hit a coal vein or a natural gas pocket and become a fire hazard. Even after “safety” lamps (which still contain open flames, so like), faulty lighting and sparks from tools and machines could send a mine up in flames within the space of a minute. In precious metal mines, the use of high explosives like nitroglycerin and dynamite was much more common, making fires a much greater danger.

Collapses - Collapses are another danger of mining that uses high explosives, but they’re certainly not limited to fire-based catastrophes. Mines are highly prone to filling with water (they’re basically just very large wells if you don’t pump them out frequently), and water has a tendency to cause erosion and make wooden support beams rot very quickly, making the danger of thousands of pounds of rock and dirt falling down on top of you highly likely in mines that didn’t observe strict safety standards.

Gas leaks - As I mentioned above, pockets of natural gas were a common danger in mines, and not just for their potentially explosive properties. If you’ve ever heard the phrase “canary in the coal mine,” this is where it comes from - miners would carry canaries (or occasionally other warm-blooded animals) down into the mines to signal potentially deadly levels of toxic gases, particularly carbon monoxide from burning lanterns and other equipment in confined spaces. If the canary stopped singing (because of illness or, more frequently, death), that was time to get the fuck up to the surface.

When a mine was played out, most of the time it was cheaper to just buy new equipment for the next mine than to bother with dismantling and hauling the equipment out of whatever (usually mountainous) place it was in. In many places (particularly in the Rockies), this concept filtered down to the individual miners - you can still find ghost towns full of furniture, dishes, etc. that people just left rather than go to the expense of packing everything up and trying to get it down out of there again. So mines would just be left as-is - they’d fill up with water, equipment would be left to rust, tailings piles (the waste products from ore processing, which are these super unattractive piles of sludge) continued leech arsenic, sulfuric acid, cyanide, and mercury into the water table every time it rained. 

(Tailings piles from a mine in Silver City NM)

Abandoned mines continue to be an environmental hazard - PSA: Be extremely careful around abandoned mines, and if they haven’t been blocked off/otherwise flagged by the Forest Service, Parks Service (national or state), BLM, or assorted law enforcement agencies, please report them to the relevant authorities.

So that’s just an overview of the many reasons that mining companies fucking suck - individual mines had their own varied levels of grossness, but as a whole, mining companies are vile and everyone associated with them in fiction should have horrible things befall them. If you’re interested in more information about the history of mining and mining companies, I might post my bibliography for this in a separate post.

If you found this informative, entertaining, or weird enough that you want to see more, drop me a line at dead-dialogs.tumblr.com or at macy.franken@gmail.com with your history questions, and consider kicking a few bucks into my KoFi.

[sakurasangcl]

Lightning (part one)

Summary: With newly discovered powers, you’re not only a hazard to yourself, but to the public too.

Word Count: 2.6k

Pairing: Reader, Peter, Tony

Warnings: attempted suicide, divorced parents (idk if this is a warning or not, but hey, you never know), verbally abusive father (the reader describes it as “quasi abusive”)

Notes: Some of this is based off of my experience in high school, but is not at all true (obviously). And yes, this is part one of a series. *winks*

Changing from secondary school into high school was no big deal. You were a smart kid and knew how to go about it. You’d keep a low profile, be quiet, learn quickly. You’d fly from class to class, never lingering in the hallways. You seemed impatient and fidgety, and perhaps that was true. In your free time at school, you’re nose was always in a book. You knew it was an extremely antisocial behavior, but reading was an escape. An escape from the hell that was reality. And it worked… for a time.

It was one particular afternoon that really got to you. Since you changed school districts after moving to a new apartment across town into Queens, you didn’t have any friends. You’d sit alone on the bus, or even chance walking home if you felt like it.

It was a Friday that should’ve been like any other Friday. Except, it wasn’t. This was the first weekend that you had to go with your father. Your quasi abusive father. He never laid a finger on you, but you could just tell that he hated you. Your younger brother and older siblings were his pride and joy. One was becoming a doctor, the other an engineer. Your brother was showing promising athletic capabilities. But you, you were nothing special. Sure, you were incredibly smart and could write the equivalent of a novel about the Battle of Gettysburg, but he wasn’t interested in history or reading. No- only changing the world.

Your last class was Geometry, and the teacher had a nasty habit of holding you over the bell. You scribbled triangles and degrees on your notes, but nothing seemed to process in your mind. It was a foreign language to you-but much worse. As the bell shrieked, your teacher shouted your homework.

“The homework starts on page 54, and I want you to do 1 to 50 but only the odds!”

“Twenty five problems? Really?” you mutter under your breath.

You heard someone snigger nearby, “What, the nerd can’t handle it?”

You ignored the nasty comment as you rushed out of the room, hoping to make it quickly to the bus. Instead, Russell Meyers blocked your way.

“You’re doing my math for me, nerd,” He states, dropping his binder and pencil into your arms.

“No I’m not!” You reply, shoving the items back in his arms.

“You are, or that ugly face of yours will get even uglier,” Russell threatens.

“I didn’t know you were talking about yourself!” you scoffed, feigning shock.

“I’m not, you fool! I’m talking about you!” he growls, throwing his books at you.

Maybe it was that you were done with school for the day, really wanted to be gone, or were just really nervous, but you were not expecting what happened next. “I’m not doing your homework, you unintelligent oaf.”

“What’s that?”

“I said no.”

“No, you called me an oaf.”

“An unintelligent oaf, actually,” you correct, as his face reddened to the shade of a tomato.

As a child with extreme anger issues, Russell did what was only logical to him-punching you square in the face.

“What a perfect day to wear white,” you sarcastically comment about the bright red blood as you run to the bathroom.

You take out a ton of paper towels, and hold your nose to stop the bleeding. You bend over to help it clot faster, but to no avail. You must have broken your nose.

You silently cursed at Russell, hoping he’d rue the day he met you. And rue the day he would.

Except today it was you who would be ruing the day. You ran outside, still trying to stop the bleeding but also to make it to the bus. Just as you made your way outside, the buses were pulling out of the parking lot.

“Great. Just what I needed.”

With a very audible sigh, you began your long trek home.

Not once did a stranger offer you help for your nose, ask what happened, or why there was blood on your shirt. Not even any of the police officers that you passed- five, precisely.

Once you got home, you had thirty minutes to get ready to go with your dad and to fix your nose.

“MOM?” you shout, hoping to get her help to fix your nose. “MOM!” Of course, she wasn’t home. Instead, your brother came out of his room and looked at you quizzically.

“What happened to you?” he questions.

“I got punched in the face.”

“Nice! Did you hit ‘em back?”

“No, I fell.”

“Aww man…” he mumbles, retreating back into his room.

Alone with your younger sibling, you go into the room that you shared with your sisters and backed a small bag for the weekend. Once you were done, you went to the bathroom to clean yourself up with only ten minutes to spare.

What you saw was bad. Your face was caked in dried blood, and your nose and lower left eye swelling black. You gently touched the inflamed area and squeaked in pain. Your nose was definitely broken.

With warm, soapy water you washed away the blood, revealing a cut under the bruise. At the same time, your mother came home, now only with five minutes left.

“Oh honey, what happened!” she exclaims, examining your nose.

“I got punched,” You state as though it was the most obvious thing ever.

“I figured that much, but why?” she inquires further, taking out her first aid kid.

“I wouldn’t do this kid’s homework.”

“That’s not right! I’m going to talk to the school, and his mother. What is this delinquent’s name?”

“It doesn’t matter. His mother wouldn’t care, and neither would the school. It would just make it worse for me.” You explaining, wincing as she patched up your nose.

“Oh honey, I am so sorry!” Your mother exclaims, kissing you lightly on your uninjured cheek.

The sound of barking and the ringing of the doorbell got your mother up. “I’ll go explain to your father, you finish getting yourself ready.”

“No, it’s no use. He’d congratulate the guy who punched me.” You admit, grabbing your mother’s hand to stop her.

You rushed yourself to get the rest of your cloths, and quickly went down with your father, keeping your head low.

“You should’ve just done the kid’s homework. Your sisters would have done that.” You father says, the disgust clear in his voice.

You say nothing, as his reply would be worse than anything.

“Or you could have fought him back. Your brother would have done that. You ran away like the coward you truly are.” He adds as an afterthought.

You don’t know if it was being punched, your dad, or a mixture of everything, but you found yourself on the top of his seven story apartment building, looking down. You were holding a piece of paper that you scribbled three words on- I’m not sorry.

Clenching the paper tightly in your fist, and you step onto the edge of the roof. You look around the city-your city- and sigh.

“This is it. The end.” you assure yourself.

After a deep breath, you hear the door to the roof open, and know it’s now or never. You glance over your shoulder to see your brother and say, “I love you. This is not your fault. Just let me go.” Then leap forward onto nothing. You heard screams and sirens. All you could see was blurred, and all you could smell was tacos.

You only partially remember being transferred into the ambulance, and the ride to the hospital.

You kind of remember blurred faces leaning over you, checking your pulse and heart rate. They put one of those masks to help you breath over you face. You wanted to take it off.  

You remember being stuck with an iv at the hospital, so you wouldn’t die and could be given medicine since you couldn’t (but also wouldn’t) take it orally.

You also remember the doctor explaining a new type of experimental drug that could help speed up your healing time.

You remember seeing the arrangement of your bones from your x ray on the wall next to you, and how almost every bone in your body was broken.

You remember the days and hours ticking by.

You remember your two sisters coming to visit you, both of them wondering why you’d ever do such a terrible thing.

You remember them whispering how much they love you to your motionless and numb body.

You remember being carted down to get your second x ray a week and a half later, and seeing the results through drugged eyes. The smaller bones had healed, and you were almost done mending.

You got sent home that day with your mother. As a nurse, she was trusted to take care of you-and the heavy medications you were on. But rather than staying with you, she had to work overtime to get money for all the procedures.

You remember the doctor from before coming home to check on you and helping out. His beard was oddly shaped, but you couldn’t remember how. You swore you’d seen him before somewhere.

You remember your brother watching the doctor with awe, and that he would actually listen to him.

You also remember a red and blue blur looking at you through your window, both at the hospital and at home.

You remember the comfort from the strange blur, though you couldn’t explain why.

You couldn’t remember when you starting having a tutor, but his name was Mr. Brown. He was a chill dude, and you think you must have had him as a substitute teacher before. He was a very smart man, and optimistically assured you that you would be back in school in no time. Of course, you’d rather just be home schooled the entire time and never have to go back to that dreadful place.

Of course, you could only take so much boredom. Even Mr. Brown could tell two weeks in that you were over halfway caught up with over two months worth of missed classes.

“Miss y/n, did you ever find school paced too slowly for you?” he inquires one evening while grading your papers.

You shrug solemnly. “Yeah, but there wasn’t much I could do about it.”

“Well, on the bright side you’ll be caught up soon if you actually try from here on out.”

Of course, try was not something you wanted to do until your anxiety spoke up and pointed out that continually failing everything you missed would bring down your GPA. So you were soon back in school after four months of absence. Your casts were all off, and you were walking by yourself. By all accounts, it was a miracle. You should have taken about six months to heal, not hardly four.

You got to school early your first day back. All of the teachers were extremely attentive to you, and wanted to give you ample time to adjust again. They were being overly nice, and avoiding the fact that the last time they saw you was the day you attempted suicide.

Your first class was history, and it was with your favorite teacher. You made your way through the labyrinth of a school to his class, and was the first one there. “Morning Mr. Smith,” you say, sitting down in your front seat.

“It’s good to have you back, y/n. How are you doing today?” He asks you, being earnest unlike the rest of the people you’d run into.

“I’m nervous, to be honest.”

“You’ll be fine!” he assures you.

That couldn’t have been further from the truth.

History ended up being fine, as Mr. Smith went in full detail of the Battle for Chattanooga, specifically the one on Lookout Mountain. English was stressful, since you were behind on the reading, but your teacher was understanding. When it was time for lunch, you had bitten off almost all of your nails. You were not looking forward to sitting by yourself or worse-being bothered by people wanting to know why.

You gathered your lunch from your locker, and slowly made your way to lunch. By the time you got there, most people were already sitting down, paying you no mind. With your luck, all tables were full. One was mostly empty, except for two boys. One of them, with brown hair and dark brown eyes, smiled at you.

They both gave off the nerdy vibe so you thought you’d give them half of a chance.

“Is it okay if I sit here?” you manage to ask over the fear rising in your stomach.

They both stared at you blankly.

“That’s a yes,” a girl laughs, who was sitting at the opposite end of the table near the wall.

The larger one elbowed the one who had shyly smiled before, and he nods. “Yes, please do! I’m Peter and this is my friend Ned.”

“I’m y/n,” you mumble, quickly eating your food.

“Well it’s nice to meet you!” Peter says, smiling again.

“You wanna eat any faster?” Ned jokes.

You shrug, but begin to eat a bit slower. You wanted to appear more “lady like,” but you roll your eyes at the thought.

Then you pause mid bite of yogurt and your eyes widen as Russell makes his way over. Before you could even leave the cafeteria, he was in front of you, blocking your way out.

“Do you know what we had to endure because of your episode of attempted suicide?” he grumbles, clearly irritated.

You shrug, not wanting to provoke him.

“We had to sit in this shitty assembly while they went on and on about the warning sides of suicide. All because of you. We aren’t even supposed to talk to you, because you’re ‘fragile’ and ‘damaged.’ Well, I just think you are a selfish bastard.”  Russell blurts.

“Sorry,” you say, your voice as monotone as your emotions.

“Is that really all you have to say for yourself, you little bitch?”

You look down at the linoleum floor, not saying anything.

“You pathetic little-” he began, throwing a fist right at your face again.

This time, you were ready for it. In not even a blink of the eye, you were behind him and out the door. You moved literally over twenty feet in not even a second. You look back, only seeing Russell dumbfounded and his friends confused. Deciding that it was best not to wait any longer, you race off to the girl’s bathroom to wait for your next class. You step forward, and the next thing you knew, you were in front of the bathroom door- which was at least 40 feet away.

You open the door, beginning to hyperventilate. Your heart begins to race, your body begins to shake, and your breaths become short gasps for air. You feel bile in your mouth as you try not to throw up, and the salty tears as they made it to your lips.

Then you hear your name being called on the speakers, which does not help. You rummage through your purse and take your inhaler, then splash cold water on your face to help you calm down. You gently pat your face dry with a paper towel and blow your nose. You make sure you look as presentable as possible.

Peaking out of the bathroom, you look to see if the hallways were empty. They were.

You then sped walked to the front office, where the last person you ever expected to see was waiting for you.

Tony Stark, also known as Iron Man.  

tagging: @ruined-by-destiel @teamfreewill-imagine (if either of you don’t want to be tagged just lmk)

want to be tagged? send me an ask and you’re name will be here for part 2!

[generalthirstclub]

I Don't Need Your Help (squip x reader; part 1 of ??)

yo yo yo hey so i finally gave into my desire to write a fic for the first time in fifteen million years and DAMN IT ALL TO HELL it’s about a FUCKING COMPUTER

kind of experimenting with 1st person a little?? idk if I feel like it’s a little choppy or something i might fix it later because im planning to have multiple parts to this so i have something to do while procrastinating on homework ew

also the reader’s gender isn’t mentioned in this part (i don’t think?? i kind of proofread this but it was at like 2 am so i don’t even trust myself) but im probably going to use female pronouns when I need to- i promise it’s not to offend anyone I just find it easier to write fics like this with a singular gender but i could try to change that if needed

last thing;; this fic kind of loosely follows the plot of BMC?? very very loosely,, like some dates might change or times or things, i don’t really know at this point but it might not even follow the story at all idk idk but still

here is an anon throwing their sin at the wall and hoping it sticks

have this you nasty computer fuckers

——————–

He had to be joking.

A pill? A pill that held a tiny computer- that attached itself to your brain for no other purpose than to ‘help you be cool’???. It sounded asinine. But maybe I could understand. Jeremy was desperate. I didn’t blame him. High school was a battlefield; intent on destroying all traces of individuality and creativity, burying unique personalities underneath avalanches of essays and book reports.

I voted against getting one, at first.

Jeremy had Michael, right? They’d known eachother for what seemed like ages, it didn’t make any sense for him to just- want something new. Michael and I both knew Christine was important to him, that he’d do anything to impress her or to get on her radar. We just…. didn’t expect something like this. Especially something as shady (and honestly terrifying) as a tiny computer that you literally swallowed and had it attach to your brain. It was ironic. Jeremy had told us he’d heard about it through Rich- the very bully that tormented him half the time.

Of course, I didn’t know Jeremy nearly as well as Michael did. I’d only met Jeremy freshman year- I’d known Michael since the beginning of middle school at least. So it wasn’t too much of a surprise when I heard he’d went out and paid the ridiculous fee for one of the wintergreen tic tacs, but that didn’t make me any less worried.

I didn’t hear much of it the first few days. I didn’t have any classes with either of them, and the only times we’d see eachother were after school, and of course- Michael had work, and Jeremy had to get back home to finish homework most of the time. We didn’t see eachother too often, but we did have a commitment to meet up at the same coffee house every Monday morning.

I knew something was up when Michael and I were the only two who showed up the Monday morning after Jeremy had bought the stupid pill.

Something had happened. I didn’t know what- we texted him nonstop and didn’t get anything. Not even an acknowledgement for our efforts. Whether or not I believed in the 'SQUIP’ at that point was debatable. It would be quite the coincidence if Jeremy had missed the bus that morning or overslept.

Both of us got rather worried.

Michael and I made a habit after that Monday of staying behind after school, purposefully lingering by the bus stop to see if we could catch a glimpse of our now oddly-distant friend. He must’ve been getting rides from an outside source, though- he never showed.

It was almost like he’d dropped off the face of the planet, and honestly? If I hadn’t known any better myself, I would’ve thought he had. But I had friends in some of his classes, and they said he showed up, but…..

It was like he had abandoned us.

I’m sure it didn’t hurt me nearly as much as it did Michael. But it still stung- it was evident that after the second missed Monday Coffee Meeting that it was intentional. It hurt me more to see the heartbreak in Michael’s eyes when he realized it for himself, and if anything? It made me angry. Angry that Jeremy would do that to Michael. I didn’t care if he had a stupid computer in his head, telling him what to do- it’s not like it was controlling him or anything. Him being friends with us had nothing to do with his popularity, or how 'cool’ or how 'chill’ he was. It had to be a conscious decision.

And that infuriated me.

I wanted to find him. Talk to him. But I had no idea where to go- he’d abandoned all the places he used to hang out, like the food court at the mall or the field behind the school. It was ridiculous. Like he knew we were upset, like he knew what he was doing to us and didn’t care enough to even talk to us anymore.

We’d lost our friend Jeremy.

It was funny how my thought process worked after my mind began to comprehend the fact that Jeremy had made the conscious decision to opt out of our friendship- of his friendship with Michael of all people, even. I was a naturally irritated person by nature, which was my own fault, but it wouldn’t have had to go to extremes if Jeremy had just stayed with us.

I wanted to get the pill.

Not because I wanted to be 'pretty’ or 'popular’. No, I wanted to prove to Jeremy that that tiny computer in his head didn’t do a thing to separate him from us. He was lying to himself, using the excuse of the SQUIP to tell people that he was the 'new Jeremy’, that he was 'better’ and 'stronger’ now. And I intended to put him in his place.

Maybe if he came to his senses, he’d realize what he’d done to us. To Michael, at least.

Michael was against my plan from the beginning, which was predictable enough in itself. It took me weeks to get the image of Michael’s terrifed face out of my mind, and even now it still haunts me sometimes. He was scared he’d lose another dear friend. He was scared he’d be all alone in this school of savages. In this war against the very same people who he grew up with, who now made fun of him, spat on him for being different.

It took me a while, but I was able to convince him.

I had no plan of abandoning Michael. No, if anything, I wanted to be closer to him while I tried to pull Jeremy back from that dark abyss called 'popularity’. And hell, if the pill made me go insane just like Jeremy, I’d rip it out of my skull with my own two hands.

It was two weeks after Jeremy got his SQUIP that I got mine.

It was pretty painful to hork up all the cash, seeing as the weird drug-dealer-ish guy at the register didn’t accept debit for 'the pill’. About two months’ worth of earnings slapped itself down on the desk as I quietly requested the same crazy contraption that had torn one of my closest friends away from people that he had used to consider family. It would’ve been the understatement of the year to say I was scared- but at the same time confident. Maybe the pill would help me out or something in convincing Jeremy to hang out with us again. Then again, maybe the pill was a sadistic killing machine that wanted to take over the world.

Haha. Just kidding.

Still, I had no idea what I was getting into, and the moment the man led me into the back room I felt chillbumps rise on my arms. So I was actually doing this. It was ludicrous. Absolutely ridiculous- but I knew I couldn’t turn back. My six hundred dollars were in the man’s back pocket, and in seconds, a tiny gray pill in a small plastic bag was placed in my hand and I was hurriedly shooed out the door.

I moved to the food court as my stomach churned in nervousness and anticipation, the sharpie on the bag instructing to take the pill with Mountain Dew. At least it wasn’t a bad soda, I reassured myself weakly as I slowly stumbled over to the drink machine and shoved a dirty dollar bill in the slot, punching in the code for the cold drink.

I felt dizzy walking back to my seat. My senses were heightened- the cold of the can numbed my fingers, shoving its way into my thoughts as I sat down. I waited a moment or two. It could be life-changing, my next decision. I hadn’t heard of any way to get rid of the SQUIP; or at least Jeremy hadn’t mentioned anything. I did suppose I could ask Rich, but it wasn’t exactly my favorite choice…..

It all began to move in slow motion the moment I decided.

I was in a rather empty part of the food court, as not many liked to linger when all the restaurants closed down after eight. I supposed that was good for me, seeing as I didn’t want to possibly be seen as a crazy person if anyone I knew suddenly saw me talking to myself or screaming at nothing. It was for the best, I said to myself.

A part of me wondered if Jeremy had hesitated too. Did he just take it the second he got it? Was he scared? Was he worried? Upset, even? Or maybe he was happy. Excited. Because he’d finally be away from us, he’d finally have the chance to snag the 'perfect girl’. The chance to be cool. The chance to make his life perfect.

Unfortunately, we did not fit into his perfect lifestyle.

I popped open the tab on the soda and took a deep breath, shaky hands fumbling with the opening to the plastic bag. Why was I so nervous? I had something to prove. I chose this of my own volition. If anything else happened I was sure to have a panic attack- maybe it was better to do this at home…

Then again, I already was waist deep in the water. It was best to just jump in while I was at it.

Two trembling fingers placed the small pill on the back of my tongue, the strong peppermint taste making me recoil for a moment before I took a swig of the carbonated drink. I squeezed my eyes shut as the disgusting feeling of the oblong object sliding down my throat gave me chills, waiting for the sensation to end. Soon enough, the feeling faded-

And nothing changed. At all.

I blinked my eyes open. Okay. So……. wasn’t I supposed to start hearing things or something? I called out in my mind hesitantly, feeling like a fool. Nothing. Silence. I frowned deeply and stood. All that was left of the pill was a distorted minty aftertaste in my mouth and nothing more.

This had to be a joke.

Abandoning my soda on the table, I marched to the restrooms. Just to make sure- I wanted to know of every possible change, every possible thing that could’ve happened to me. But the nagging feeling in the back of my head grew…..

What if there was no such thing as the SQUIP?

What if Jeremy had forked over his cash and- instead of being disappointed at the lie- took the opportunity to just totally abandon us? Did he even believe the lie in the first place?

Had we done something wrong? Had we offended him? Hurt him in some way?

What could I do to fix this?

My worries rang clear in my ears as I stared at myself in the crusty bathroom mirror, hands gripping the sides of the dirty sink tightly as I tried to control my breathing. I looked awful. It wasn’t even because of the pill, I knew that- my stressing would make me look beyond my years once I graduated, I was sure.

But the thing that unsettled me the most?

The fear in my eyes.

And just like that, everything was spinning- I heard myself gasp as I collapsed to the ground. Pain shot up my spine. Someone screamed- or was that me? I couldn’t tell. I prayed the bathroom was empty.

'Target male inaccessible.’

My eyes widened. No. No. This couldn’t- it wasn’t real-

'Please excuse some mild discomfort.’

The voice rang out in my ears once more and I felt my body jolt as another wave of pain flooded my body, a weak cry the only noise escaping my lips. This couldn’t be happening. It wasn’t a real thing- the SQUIP didn’t exist- I had already determined-

'Calibration complete. Access procedure initiated.’

The world seemed to stop for a moment. Everything froze. The pain vanished abruptly, my thoughts froze, my heart stopped. I let out a shaky breath. My body trembled involuntarily.

'Discomfort level may increase.’

A shrill scream filled the air as blistering pain overtook my senses a second time, eyes squeezed shut as sobs wracked my body. Tears trickled down my cheeks freely. This was the worst thing I’d ever experienced. In that moment I wanted to end it all- I wanted everything to stop, the pain to stop, the problems to stop, the world to stop. I just needed to breathe. Just for a moment….

'Accessing neural memory. Accessing muscle memory. Access complete.’

A weak breath escaped my lips as my body went limp, all energy needed to sustain myself having evaporated. But I could still hear it. Could still hear him.

“___________________. Welcome to your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor.”

I closed my eyes.

“Your SQUIP.”

The world fell silent as I went unconscious.

[gilgamemesh]

Heyo I found this old Umineko meme in my drafts and I think I typed these up in 2016 (so heads up some sentences are oddly phrased)? And it’s not all of them, but I figured I should upload at least the ones I had here. 

Day 01: Why did you start watching Umineko?

I remember seeing small bits and pieces when I was younger. Extremely well I remember the part where Chiesters kill everyone in the dinning room because after I saw that part I realized I really genuinely just love gore and that was actually how I became the disgusting gore fiend I am now. 

But yeah in general I got into Umineko because the OST was a real blast and I found the general aesthetic of the game really fascinating! And later when I learned it’s also a mystery story I REALLY wanted to start it because I really enjoy mystery genre even though I don’t consume it as much anymore as I used to at some point in life. I started the anime only after VN because I just wanted more seacats no matter the cost. 

Day 02: How did you start out with Umineko? Through the anime, the manga, or the VN?

I started with VN and then moved to manga, but in a way the OST was my first Umineko experience! 

Day 03: Do you read the VN, watch the anime, read the manga, or all three?

I’m done with VN and will finish mangas and the anime soon! 

Day 04: Which are your favourite battles between Beatrice and Battler?

Day 05: Which are your favourite scenes between the witches?

Day 06: Which are your favourite scenes in general? One from the VN, one from the anime and one from the manga.

I think my favourite scene from the VN is the love trial gun battle between Shannon and Kanon. I had already figured out the deeper meaning of the duel between them so I could already enjoy the emotional suffering of it. The music and scenes and overall just the combination of images, text and music was really impressive and I remember I got chills more than once. I also really, really love the Jessica vs. Ronove battle.

From manga I think it’s the confession chapters of episode 8 manga. They’re really impressive and strong chapters with so much raw emotion it left me with such a strong impression I consider it one of the most memorable chapters of any manga I have read. I also kinda cry every time I read it so there is that too. 

I really liked the scene where Shannon looked like she was flirting with Jessica 

Day 07: What do you like most about Umineko?

ALL? I honestly have hard time deciding because there are so many things in Umineko I really love. 

The way the women of this series are written is so good and the variety is amazing like we have women from age 6 to mid 90s here and the witches are in a category of their own! Someone once said that the way the women are written in a story actually determines the entire story’s worth and if that’s the case then this is a really good work (as it is).

The characters in general are honestly one of my favourite things because Ryukishi’s way of writing people of different ages and from different settings is really convincing and feels really realistic for me. Especially certain types of abuse shown are something I have seen and can relate to as I have seen and/or experienced similar in real life.

I also like the fantasy and mystery blending into one like sometimes (and I still do, actually) I feel like I’m reading multiple stories at the same time and in my head while I consider the Rokkenjima prime the truth of the human world but the witch side story is kind of a story on its own too. But those stories don’t exist in the same world, there is no room for more than one. For me, a reader, it’s multiple stories, but for the human characters... that’s another story. 

Day 08: What would you have changed about the anime/manga/VN if you had the ability to?

More Lion Ushiromiya please and thank you 

Day 09: What do you like about the Umineko fandom?

They reblog my art They are surprisingly active here on tumblr considering how long ago this series has already ended! I don’t do much with the fandom in general though so I can’t see much! I really appreciate all the essays and theories though

Day 10: What do you dislike about the Umineko fandom?

I feel like the opinions sometimes are really dramatically divided so that they’re either really offensive or too “shh shh you can’t talk about this it’s offending”? Like sometimes the middle ground with certain things and topics seems to be completely missing. You can talk about sensitive subjects without being TOO careful but also without being offending. It’s possible. Believe it or not. 

Day 11: Your favourite witch

I would be lying if I said it was someone other than Beatrice! Although I love and appreciate all the witches featured in the series, Beatrice has a special place in my heart for nostalgia reasons. As the most popular character of the series, she was one of the first characters I learned of and she kept popping up everywhere during a certain time in my life. I knew almost nothing about her honestly but for some reason I was really attracted to her design and the bits and pieces of little information I got of her personality and behavior. After playing the game I can tell I love her even more obviously, haha! 

Day 12: Your favourite Ushiromiya

ALL OF THEM but okay honestly if I really need to pick one I will just go with my pre-game-bias Lion! I actually used Lion as my ultimate motivation to start the game because they looked really fun + 15-year-old me apparently was interested in cosplaying Lion because we used to have a similar hair style, haha (as I’m typing this I’m already working on the cosplay btw). 

I also really love Battler and Jessica they’re both darlings and while I LOVE George and I’m always ready to defend him when he is being accused of things he didn’t do I just kinda like Battler and Jessica a little more (as Battler is really relatable and Jessica is the best girl(tm) )

Day 13: Your favourite couple

Eva and Hideyoshi honestly kill me but like, in a good way. I really, really liked their interactions and I was very positively surprised when I learned that despite an arranged marriage pretty much, the two of them seemed to very genuinely love and care about each other. And especially Eva often talked (along the lines of) how marriage is not just feelings but it’s something you and your partner work together on and make it grow as you bond and it kind of changed my view on marriage a little even though I was aware of this beforehand already. 

Day 14: Your favourite non-canon couple

*coughs at the general direction of Willion*

Their interactions are so fun I literally don’t care whether it’s romantic or platonic, I just enjoy seeing them together! 

Day 15: Your favourite character in general

Natsuhi / Lion / Jessica / all of Yasu is the way to go, I suppose? 

Day 16: Your least favourite witch

She is not my least favourite honestly I ADORE Featherine but I feel like her screen time was so small compared to the rest of the witches my brain prioritizes the other witches before her. But honestly she is so cool and I love her smug face so much and I wish there was more of her so I would learn to love her even more through canon interactions!! 

Day 17: Your least favourite Ushiromiya

Man idk Kinzo maybe? I understand he suffered on his own and had his own difficulties and probably (most likely) wasn’t mentally quite alright but I still have hard time dealing with what he did to the people around him. Kuwadorian Beatrice aside, he was still cruel to his other children too and I just can’t really deal with that. 

Day 18: Your least favourite couple

have you ever gone to pixiv and seen BattlerxNatsuhi and just quite frankly wanted to die 

Day 19: Your least favourite character in general

Day 20: Your most favourite song from Umineko (can be a vocal song, or a BGM)

BIRTH OF A NEW WITCH! I used to listen that song a LOT when I was younger and ironically suffering from many of the issues that were also more or less featured in Umineko. Whenever I listen to the song it makes me feel really powerful in a way haha but also sad because I remember listening it a lot while being extremely sad and lost with my life and myself. 

I also really love this version of Alive 

Day 21: A series that you feel is similiar to Umineko other than Higurashi and why

ACE ATTORNEY............. It’s the whole loose concept of arguments and murders and mysteries but also the sometimes incredible kind of humour and series of events that keep happening. That, and Phoenix Wright and Battler remind me of each other and it always makes me laugh. 

Day 22: Other 07th Expansion series that you like

Day 23: Post a picture of a Umineko cosplay you really like

Day 24: Explain the red truth, the golden truth and the blue truth in your own words.

Day 25: Could you have solved any of the mysteries Beatrice posed, personally?

I DOUBT THAT because I’m really bad with locked room things these days?? I used to be pretty good as younger because I was disgustingly into detective stories and the like but now I have gotten older and forgotten even the basic settings of how to build a locked room :’’’) 

I did figure out other things on my own though and I could give a human side explanation to some of the magic featured but yeah. I couldn’t have done it better than Battler at all. 

Day 26: A character you hate and love at the same time.

ERIKA she is such a nasty person but I also love her so much and I find both her and her writing very interesting. I would absolutely never get along with a person like her (especially because we share a lot of negative traits) but she is so good as a character and worthy of my adoration < 3 

Day 27: A crossover with Umineko that you’d like to see? (No Higurashi, please.)

Umineko x Fate??? I can’t believe Kinzo Ushiromiya started the holy grail war and forced his relatives to take part. 

Okay but really I have no idea how it would work honestly but it would be exciting probably because both Fate and Umineko are my main fandoms and subjects of endless love and adoration xoxo

Day 28: Witches vs Humans, which side do you take?

OKAY LISTEN I was asked this question multiple of times before and during the game and at FIRST I picked the witch side. Because, like, it somehow feels more “right” to me in a way I can’t explain. But having gone through Umineko now, I don’t think I can choose a side. I think everything is more exciting if you can balance between the two sides instead of taking just one. 

Day 29: Do you believe that Yasu is the culprit? Why?

culprit [kuhl-prit] noun 1. a person or other agent guilty of or responsible for an offense or fault. 2. a person arraigned for an offense

Going with this definition yes, Yasu was the culprit. But Yasu was not the only culprit, and Yasu in Prime didn’t end up being the one who did the actual killing. As she said in the rules, if someone solves the riddle she will give up on her murder deed.  

Yasu is the culprit and the one who even ended up aiding Kyrie by placing the guns on the table and predicting what would happen, but she is not the one who actually killed the others. It was a decision from Kyrie’s part to carry on with the murder plan. Yasu would be punished too if put on a trial but Kyrie would most definitely, along with Rudolf, receive a bigger sentence than Yasu. 

Day 30: A phrase you find most memorable from the series (Anime, Manga or VN).

“And everyone was there. Everyone, everyone, everyone.”

When I read those words I legitimately started crying. I just suddenly started crying and kept going for like five minutes with my face absolutely covered in tears. I was smiling so hard but at the same time crying so much. Umineko was such an intense ride for me and I could see myself and my life situation in many of the events portrayed and finally coming to the end of the long journey made me feel like I had changed somehow and I had to let the old feelings out in order to have room for the new, better feelings.  

“I can hear us howling in pain”

Like I said earlier, the confession chapters in EP8 manga are one of my favourites due the emotional impact of them. We get to see Yasu’s inner struggle