#also I woke up feeling worse??!? | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

boyapologist · 1 year ago

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we lost innocent one night before my last show I'm going to fucking kill myself

#also I woke up feeling worse??!?#my coughing was manageable yesterday but today I feel like I'm going to fucking die #I'm seriously considering not going and giving this ticket to my friend who couldn't get any #but I know if I do this I'll feel the biggest fomo of my life afterwards #but ugh I feel terrible #I had a dry coughing fit at night and then a wet coughing fit in the morning #that woke me up #and now I can't go back to sleep even though it's 7 am #rambles*

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saturnniidae · 5 months ago

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None of you understand. Hiccup isn't TALL!!! I refuse to see him as 6'1. He's a champion for short trans boys okay..

#hes a champion for short trans boys (2nd only to link..)#bc short trans boys could really use a win and while hiccup is a big loser he is also immune to dying which makes him a winner #i just woke up from a nap (0/10 i feel worse than when i went ro sleep) and am so disoriented can you tell #trans hiccup #httyd #hiccup haddock #httyd headcanon #moth.txt #he and snotlout are shot trans boy hostility </3 #deyas dragons

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compacflt · 6 days ago

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YOU'RE ALIVE??? - my reaction upon seeing your most recent reblog

Anyway, your fic and blog single-handedly kickstarted my U.S. military history obsession <3

im alive!!!! yeah I've been away for a while. it, ah... has not been a grrrreat time to be a military historian or a Big Fan of military propaganda pieces like Top Gun for the last year or so...

lmfao I just saw that the second trump admin plans to haul up all the commanders in charge of the Afghanistan withdrawal (which HE negotiated btw) in front of congress with the plan to charge them all with TREASON per the UCMJ (good fucking luck dude)

but um in my timeline... that includes navy secretary 2021-2022 tom iceman kazansky, bro... so in case you're wondering what these characters are up to in the present day apparently the answer is "getting investigated for treason." sorry to bring down the mood. my happy ending's a little sour now.

mostly I've been insanely busy. I graduate university in may & have to have a journalism capstone, an English research thesis (my paper on military commanding officers in fiction inspired by my top gun fics tbh) and a creative writing capstone (novel) done by march. plus job applications, work for the place where im currently freelancing, apartment hunting... so im a wee bit crunched lately.

some minor updates for anyone who still cares: I am, extremely slowly, still editing WWGATTAI & the other stories. I've finished a complete overhaul of the Carole-dies chapter, chapter 7, but have yet to post it because I'd like to sync a logistical change in the story across the other pieces. and I'm mostly done with a COMPLETE overhaul of chapter 6 (aka "the nineties" chapter where ice & mav move in together & build their family) which goes into much more detail about how... emotionally and logistically... they could pull that off. + a lot more baseball stuff + the Clinton sex scandal. which leaves just chapter 10 left to do. ugh, my least favorite, which is why im putting it off... and then debriefing etc. which won't take as long because I don't honestly care about debriefing at all and I just have very minor changes to make to it. slider doesn't need editing and idgaf about the other pieces.

once I finish with the edits, which will happen eventually I swear because more than anything I just want to hold the updated edited final thing in my hands the way I did with the first draft, I'll upload my pdf (with meta analysis and notes that go back to mid-2022) for u guys to do with as you wish

also for the m:i doubleheaders I am planning on editing my m:i fic pre-m:i8 next year and pending ilsa life status will write much much more

#have I missed anything big in the fandom orrrr...#also I am on bsky at compacflt (tho I don't post about top gun)#if u wanna come say hi & see what im up to (politics and aerospacepoasting mainly)#'but Lia!' I hear you complain wrt this post. 'you promised all this before! you promised a final edit like literally over a year ago!'#yeah im continually asking for patience here lol #a lots going on in the world in case you weren't aware #trying to be cool and normal about this new administration purging the military of 'woke' and 'disloyalists'#but it is really a five alarm fire along with every other fucking thing this clown and his clown posse want to bring to the country I love #thinking of bringing back my boring march 2023 new-yorker-style tom kazansky interview to talk about some of this stuff in a fandom space #regardless of how you feel about 1980s Reagan neocon politics or 2010s neoliberal politics...#what we're about to see in the near foreign policy/defense policy future is a repudiation of both schools of thought for the WORSE #sorry let me go back to being cool and normal #and not posting on here #miss you guys

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siren-of-agony · 3 months ago

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Can't believe they're gonna cut a whole ass organ out of my belly tomorrow and then I just get to? go home right after?

#Surgery tw #Getting an ovary removed lads #I don't actually know if that counts as a whole ass organ actually #It has been so obliterated by cysts that the Dr said and I quote 'there is no normal tissue left'#So they're not only taking out the 9cm cyst I currently have but the whole ovary it's in too #And they do that labroscopical so I legit get to go home right after which I'm v happy about #So lmk if any of you want healing progress reports for whump purposes :D #Also I woke up this morning in absolute pain from the cyst after not rly feeling for over a year except for some uncomfiness sometimes #So that's weird timing #Hope it doesn't mean that either they'll not take anything out after all bc the cyst obliterated itself oooor I die before I get to my #Operation bc I had an ovarian torsion and am currently bleeding out internally #Don't think so tho cause it's back to mild discomfort and also I had a cyst obliterate itself before and I remember that feeling much worse #Anyways welcome to my monthly tag rants over the weird shit my body is getting up to take a gift back on your way out

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triglycercule · 1 month ago

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horror bragging about he's immortal and allat to killer and dust (because he genuinely thinks he is. like he literally came back from the DEAD that is a proud accomplishment!!!! bro probably brags all the time about it like "heh even if you hit me hard i'll just get back up. bitch")

and then killer's like alright bet! let's test that out! and then he starts going on an all out chase for horror's head. and dust just follows along because hey why the fuck not it sounds fun and it would be nice to knock horror down a peg or two :3 frantic running from horror ensues because as much as he'd like to stick by his claim he REALLY cannot be going around risking to see if him being immortal is actually true 💀

#horror it's all your fault you played with fire and now you are not about to get burned you are about to DIE #oh its probably so nervewracking....... he legit could die horror doesnt know if the other two would take mercy on him #he's been an ass all this time ‼️ he has been manipulative and lied ‼️ he has shittalked them at their lowest ‼️ he is FUCKED #or WORSE they just end up dragging this out and driving him crazy with paranoia (this is in fact what would happen)#not that he particularly regrets not being nice to killer and dust because why should he and why do they deserve it but like. GODAAMN IT #couldnt it HURT just to be a LITTLE nicer past horror???? now youre gonna DIE because you were too much of an asshole!!!!!!! fuck #but maybe he doesn't die? maybe he actually lives when the two find him and eventually #would that be worse actually yes in fact it would. if he wants anyone to find out he's actually immortal it would NOT be dust and killer #death seems much more inviting than being hunted down by those two. oh SHIT REAPER WAIT DONT TOUCH HIN #if killer and dust worked together they could probably create a torture situation that not even a tank personified would mentally survive #this seems like another one of my ideas in my head that seems bright and comedic but in reality would just be terrifying #i like it piccasso. now just set it in horrortale and then you have horror in the place of all the people he killed #all the people he hunted down all the innocents and now he gets to feel what they felt when he chased them down #the fear and nervousness of being watched of being toyed with of knowing that youre already stuck in a maze with no exit and no way back #yeah i'd kill myself the psychological horror i'd feel would just be too much dust and killer can just kill me for all i care I GIVE UP #wouldnt it be funny if dust and killer never even touch horror they just chase him until he passes out #that would be sooooo silly LMAO. bitchass we didnt even touch you and you passed out from panic and exhaustion??? COWARD 🤣🤣🤣🤣#dust and killer would never let that memory be forgotten trust. trust. i love it when they taunt and torture eachother #GOD can we get some self not so self inflicted pain onto these 3 😒😒😒 more than they already have but whatever #dont worry guys they took horror home after he passed out and when he woke up fed him a bit of soup to replenish his energy #and then they played a roblox obby to calm down and also relax and then they fell asleep all zzzrkkk mimimimi shoooo like 3 little kitties #killer sans #horror sans #dust sans #murder time trio #utmv #tricule hc

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solace-seekers · 5 months ago

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screaming into the void <3

#my best friends boyfriend (who i’ve also been friends with for years) is just. not himself rn #we think it’s a manic episode but we don’t really know but it’s. terrifying lowkey #he thinks he’s genuinely jesus and that he’s conquered time and that he and my bsf are adam and eve #he’s been sending my bsf liek hundreds of texts per day since tuesday but it got really really bad and incoherent yesterday #and i woke up this morning to see multiple texts from gcs he created w me in them #and he keeps being like ‘because it’s 6:20 this is true’ and like ‘i know that at 9 pm everyone is gonna understand’#and he’ll text like 5 times then send a sc of what he just texted like that proves something but it’s all nonsense #i’m just really really concerned cause he really needs help but i don’t know how to ensure that happens cause he’s 19. not a minor #he’s just. not him rn. he’s called my bsf multiple times yesterday when he HATES calling normally #he had his band and his mom over in his apartment yesterday cause my bsf called his mom and h went to his bands show but was visibly not ok #and he saw nothing weird about it even tho he hates having ppl over normally and never without warning #and you can’t get him to see logic because everything you say he just twists around to work for him #to be clear it was not this bad when it started. when it started it seemed like normally maybe slightly out there conclusions he was drawing #but it just got worse and worse like exponential decay and really bad yesterday #he also didn’t sleep at all yesterday night and idk if he slept tonight #i know his mom took his phone at one point but he texted me and gcs w me in it starting at like 6:20 this morning #and my bsf and i and friends are on a trip out of state rn but we’re leaving today and i don’t wanna wake her up until i have to because #this is literally hell for her. but it’s just. scary. i don’t know what to do. i don’t think there’s any good options really for me rn #i want to warn ppl and try to explain he’s Not Him rn so they don’t get concerned but who knows if they’ll understand what i’m trying to say #i know it’s not the end of the world but it really feels like the end of my world as i know it if that makes sense #and my bsf lives with him in an apartment near their college and they just signed the lease for the next year #but she can’t stay there with him alone. not until he gets help. we’re all too scared it’s going in the directon where he thinks it’s better #for ppl to go to the afterlife. which like he never would normally. but he’s Not Him and so like. who knows #he keeps talking about all these different dimensions and how you need to travel to the 7th dimension to understand #my bsf was crying yesterday and she called her mom to explain and she keeps saying that she just wants her jake back it’s really scary #cause he will probably never be the same again. he’ll be similar but different but she wants his comfort but he’s Not Him. and can’t give it #i just. really want this to get better but it’s so hard to see that happening rn

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roylustang · 6 months ago

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The rodents have been terrorizing me again for the last 4 nights. I regret to say I am no longer being nice about it.

#my humane trap NEVER FIRES IDK WHY 😭#probably bc I’m using it in a car BUT STILL #and I tried peppermint oil and that didn’t work #so I guess it’s killing time #I’ll refrain from the Tom and Jerry style mouse trap #FOR NOW #not like it matters to them #I feel bad about it ngl but they’re eating all my food and shit and they woke me up at 6:30 #and I don’t actually think it’s a mouse (mice?) I think it’s one of those super tiny h chipmunks #so that’s even worse but it can’t be helped #he fit in my humane trap so he’ll fit in the new traps I bought #he has a 1/3 chance of being caught humanely #and if I don’t catch anything tonight those chances are going down to 1/5 #anyway after I get them I’m fucking LEAVING back to a place ik doesn’t have rodents bc I need a break jfc #please pray for me #I’m so tired #also it snowed this morning #the only reason I’m even slightly sane is because there’s 0 evidence that they’ve been on my bed #or near me

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neverendingford · 2 months ago

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#tag talk #social anxiety is so much worse to deal with when only half of you is anxious because you never know when it'll happen #like. R is not anxious at all. she loves being around people and since we came out she's not scared anymore #but me on the other hand? being around people is a nightmare. agoraphobic for sure.#I wanted to go running again cause we woke up at six again. but the thought of going outside and being perceived? terrifying.#maybe I need to practice getting R to front. we're used to thinking of L as the defensive front but if R's sociability is the best strategy #then she would be the strongest front to present.#the problem is I've tried that and it just results in me feeling even more sullen and anxious because I feel dragged into things then.#because going out on public even with friends still makes me feel anxious and angry and generally annoyed.#ugh I'm so tired of being unpredictably two different people.#if I were just L all the time I could embrace that and find workarounds to these issues. but they hit me so unpredictably #so I don't have the reliability to trust. so my strategy is usually just 'wait until you change into someone without those problems'#because whatever issue I have can usually be fixed by the other half of me.#scared of upsetting people? turn into L. scared of socializing? turn into R. scared of doing tasks? turn into L.#it's also wild because when we're L we shift into a morning person. and R is definitely a night owl #so waking up at five am to go out and read a book on the couch is so great as L but staying up all night reading is R's sweet spot.#idk. I'm so tired of bouncing so much between these two people #and I'm beginning to suspect that we have different food preferences as well. which is.. frustrating #I wish it were as easy as going 'oh duh I'm making this up in my own head' and just stopping #like. yeah it's all in my head unfortunately that's where my sense of identity is too.

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b-blushes · 4 months ago

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we can do difficult things wednesday! (quest) - hoover - comment on a local planning application. i have been putting this off for A While due to never having done this before so i'm applying my trick 'rough estimate for how long it would take and COMMIT', so worst case scenario i will spend 20 minutes attempting this and will fail. most likely scenario is that once i've started i'll just figure it out and finish it but it'll take longer than that time chunk, but the hardest thing is starting! so giving myself an out by setting it as a '20 minute attempt' means i think i can start it 👍 - groceries list/order - write card (:

#its wednesday quest #i woke up with even worse neck pain this morning somehow after using my new pillow?? so also on this list might be 'order different one'#if i am equally in pain tomorrow. 🙃the last dr i saw was on the fence about like. muscle stuff being implicated in migraine but my headache #are WAY WORSE when my neck and back and shoulders are in even more pain and tightness than my regular Quite High amount #and improve when i figure out the exact right stretch/movements to briefly alleviate them so like. okay.#and i DO tend to feel worse when i wake up specifically pain-wise so i'm pretty sure something is Not Right with the way i'm sleeping #like. body wise. like something's up with my neck/shoulders/hypermobility/pillow uhhhhhhhh interaction.#also i'm not gonna base my belief on that dr bc no offence they're not the expert and most significantly we did not specifically talk about #that. like i was there for something else this was just on my peripheral list of things to mention that tied into the main thing.#ANYWAY the point is i've reached the I CAN'T KEEP LIVING LIKE THIS point once again so this is a small thing that i can actually do.#my body is feeling so so bad at the moment and i can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. i need a break. this year's been so rough.

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thethingything · 8 months ago

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I really don't like our brain's ability to jump from "I'm going to organise all this stuff and catch up with a bunch of tasks" to "it's time to get stuck in an increasingly distressing thought spiral for several hours, accidentally trigger yourself, then feel like shit because you haven't done anything but also haven't managed to rest".

like please can we maybe have like a nice middleground where we do a few things and then rest for a while and don't experience the full range of human emotions over the course of about 3 hours

#personal #thoughts #🍬 post #vent post #the thing is that we were feeling pretty good and actually got some stuff done today #and then someone asked how we were doing and we mentioned this #and their response was to interrupt us to be like ''wow it must be nice to not feel like shit all the time''#before going on a rant about a bunch of stuff including topics that this person knows are triggering for us #so then we got frustrated and triggered and that threw us off and then we got stuck in a spiral over a bunch of stuff #and now we're exhausted and have no motivation to do anything and our brain is still trying to spiral more and we can't focus on anything #sorry for wanting to celebrate actually managing to do stuff after struggling with way worse executive dysfunction than usual all month #and by ''do stuff'' I mean we caught up with some journaling we'd missed #then added a handful of tasks to our to-do list so we'd remember to actually do them later #so a couple of things that are a big deal for us because they help us stay organised but take a lot of focus so we struggle with them #but at the same time they're tasks most people probably wouldn't view as any sort of actual achievement #part of it was also that we woke up with enough motivation to actually do what we'd planned to do today #but so far we've only done like one task from it because then all this shit happened and we haven't been able to do much else

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deklo · 9 months ago

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maybe one day my impostor syndrome and anxiety disorder will not hold me back tehe

#regretting not applying to possible be part of foxholefund 2024 and also probably will not be signing up for bigbang tehehe #oh boy do i want to #but oh boy. do i physically feel incapable #possibly*#unrelated and sorry to keep complaining but i took a nap to sleep off a headache but woke up with a worse headache #and i’m also just generally feeling kind of sad heheh

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stardustedknuckles · 1 year ago

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It's been so long since I've had to exist within a group of people consistently over many days and damn, I nearly forgot I was autistic. I found out yesterday that though I get along with almost everyone at work, most of my coworkers thought I was a huge bitch who hated everyone for a little bit (and one still does, which is how this whole thing came up at all). I was bewildered like. No I'm very often dizzy or in a bit of pain and I'm very focused on taking care of the dogs but I'm not - I don't dislike any of you? I've never been mad at you, you guys thought I was mad?? Just an alarming disconnect between the way I see myself and the way I come off to others. I have never once gotten the hang of behaving like a regular person, but it appears that time has taken me from "generally silly person with an offbeat sense of humor who doesn't take things seriously" to "stoic hardass who doesn't like you and thinks you're stupid also." I did not authorize this change. It's throwing me for a loop. I feel like I'm 6 again being told to stop talking over people's heads because I just learned a new big word and I wanted to use and share it. I like assholes with a heart of gold in media. I don't want to be one??

#Like I've essentially been locked alone in a room for three years almost four due to the pandemic #And before that my big job was working in a warehouse where we mostly worked separately #But I remember the times we did socialize I fit in #But I also remember my coworkers were all nerds and that helped #Like idk I feel like I've been sleeping for years and woke up to being a different person #I know it's been hard for me to manage migraines and such (though it's getting easier or I'm just in a good proud period)#But damn #Everyone I've talked to at work figured out pretty quickly that I really can be fun to talk to #But this one girl is avoiding me and I think it's because I was stressed on Thanksgiving day #And probably went from an unknown to a definite asshole in her mind #So I need to talk to her but having it explained to me last night like #'I told her it's not anything personal and you're just kind of like that with everyone' and I was like #Fuck! Am I awful to interact with initially?? Or worse - always until you adapt?

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rainyraisin · 2 months ago

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I have to take two more lots of penicillin today I'm gonna fucking SCREAM (vent in the tags)