#also I think the world needs more happiness over weight gain

[smokedcapybara]

Everyone in my life for years: you’re gonna miss how fast your metabolism is now when it slows and you start putting on weight faster

Me at 24+, after reaching and passing my target weight: Look at this gut!!! My butt jiggles!!! These thighs are two feet around!!! Hehehe )) double chin!!! And I’m still gaining!!! Very excited!!!

[forever-rogue]

I have a pretty personal request ❤️ (and I completely understand if you don't feel comfortable writing it.)

But I have been struggling with self-esteem and acceptance of myself since gaining some weight. I know I'm beautiful, but that stupid, nagging voice in the back of my head can be a bitch.

I came up with an idea about reader who's in an established relationship with Joel Miller. They've settled into Jackson, and with the changes that come with that stability, she's noticed the changes in her own body and has to deal with it. I can just imagine how soft and fluffy Joel would be once he's made aware of what she's dealing with.

Or maybe I just really need a Joel of my own to cuddle and tell me I'm beautiful 🥺🥰

Thank you!!

AN | Here you go, I hope you enjoy! Also, a friendly reminder that you're lovely just the way you are 🥰

Pairing | Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Warnings | Language, Weight Discussion

Word Count | 2k

Masterlist | Joel, Main

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

This was the first time you'd looked at yourself in a mirror in a long time. Like properly looked at yourself. You'd been in Jackson for a few months now and were experiencing a stability that you hadn't known in so long. It still felt odd some days, waking up next to Joel in a warm, soft bed without having to worry about anything. But it was slowly becoming your normal life and while it was an adjustment, you were beginning to love it. 

Happiness and peace looked good on Joel and Ellie. And you. But, and this was what had been nagging you, lingering in the back of your mind, you'd noticed some physical changes as well as everything else. You'd felt them before you'd fully looked at them - at yourself.

The bathroom boasted a large mirror but you usually didn't spend a while lot of time looking at yourself. You hadn't for years, so why start now?

Well, the simple answer was that now the changes were undeniable. 

With a heavy sigh, you closed the bathroom door and glanced at yourself. Your face was a little fuller than you'd remembered, the darkness around your eyes lessened. Your skin looked good and your hair was styled and shiny. These were the changes you liked to see. You noticed the same, more or less, on Joel and Ellie too. 

It was the rest you were worried about. You shucked off your sweater and pajamas pants and slowly allowed yourself to look over your body. You didn’t fixate on your body too much; for a long time survival and getting through your day to day was all that was on your mind. But now it felt like you had all the time in the world. 

As you looked yourself over, you could see that there had been some physical changes. You looked softer, your tummy and hips fuller than you’d remembered since you were young, your thighs bigger as well. You sighed to yourself and turned on the showers before you could think too much about it. It wasn’t a big deal, you reminded yourself, it wasn’t a big deal. 

You heard a knock on the door before it was slowly pushed open and Joel poked his head, “hey sweetheart, got room for one more?”

You panicked for a moment, trying to figure out how you could manage to get out of this one, “umm, I’m almost done actually. I’ll be out in a second and then its all yours.”

“Alright,” he lingered for a moment; you knew that he knew that something was up. Joel wasn’t stupid and he was very perceptive, “sounds good. Everything alright?”

“Of course,” you almost choked on the lie, “everything’s fine.”

Joel made a small sound before gently closing the door. You tried to swallow back your tears but soon enough they were running down your cheeks and mixing in with the stream from the shower.

It was just another change and it would be okay. You’d get there eventually…you hoped.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Hey baby,” Joel found you as you were in the kitchen, chopping vegetables for dinner, a small smile on his face. He’d noticed that you’d been acting a little off but didn’t want to push it, he knew that you’d go to him when you were ready to.

“Hi Joel,” you looked up and offered him a smile you hoped mirrored his own, “what’s up?”

“Nothing,” he insisted softly as he came over to you, “just wanted to see my girl.”

You tutted at him softly as he came to stand behind you, wrapping an arm around your middle as he leaned his chin on your shoulder. You froze for a moment, sure that he was going to make some sort of comment about how soft or squishy your body was but he said nothing, instead pressing some kisses to your shoulder. You stopped what you were doing, closing your eyes and leaning into him, “Joel.”

“I love you, you know,” he whispered before you slowly turned around in his arms so you could face him. He reached up and put his hand on your face, slowly brushing his thumb over your cheek. 

“I know,” you promised, leaning into his touch and turning your face so you could press a kiss to his palm, “I love you too.”

He watched you for a moment before leaning in to kiss you. You decided not to think too much about, not to worry about anything, and instead leaned into him and kissed him right back. It had been a bit since the two of you had a bit of time alone, and you hadn’t helped anything but pulling away from him whenever it was just the two of you. But you’d missed this and missed him, his touch, his everything. 

You relaxed into his touch, letting him kiss you dizzy. Eventually his hands wandered down to your hips and that caused you to freeze up. You put your hands on his forearms and pulled away from him, breaking the kiss. Joel, good man that he was, stopped immediately and let go of you. You shook your head, more at yourself than anything else and blinked back your tears, “sorry, I just…it’s me.”

“It’s alright,” he whispered softly, “you don’t have to apologize. If you want to talk about whatever’s been going on, I’m here. You know that, I ain’t going anywhere. I love you.”

You inhaled deeply before slowly letting it all out and nodded, “thank you.”

“Do you want a hand finishing dinner?”

“Yes,” you appreciated the kind and gentle man that he was, “I’d like that a lot.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

You walked into the bedroom, finding Joel already in bed and reading. You closed the door and leaned against, looking him over for a moment. He paused after a moment and looked up at you before marking his page and setting it to the side, “penny for your thoughts?”

You nodded slowly before making your way to the bed, sitting cross-legged on top of the covers next to him. There were a few moments of silence as you sat there and picked at a few loose strands on the hem of your sweater. Joel reached out and gave your knee a gentle squeeze. You reached for his hand and weaved your fingers through his, “I don’t want you to hate me.”

“Baby,” a small huff of laughter escaped him but his voice was low and gentle, “I don’t know what you could have done or do that would ever make me hate you. That’s impossible.”

“It’s just…I don’t know,” you shrugged, reassured a little bit that he wouldn’t hate you anyway, “I really like it here in Jackson. I’ve liked it since we’ve been here. But I think I’ve gotten too comfortable.”

“Too comfortable?” he repeated slowly, “ain’t that a good thing?”

“It’s….my body,” you admitted reluctantly, “I look different…I’ve gained weight. I don’t look like I used.”

“Okay,” he brought your hand to his lips and pressed a kiss to your knuckles. You were a bit taken aback by his nonchalant response, “I guess I don’t understand why it’s a big deal. But I want to understand.”

“I…because I look different and I was worried that you wouldn’t want me anymore.”

“That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard,” he tugged on your hand in a small attempt to pull you closer, “there’s nothing you could do to make me love you any less. That includes your body changing - happens to everyone. I’ve grown a little softer around the middle since we’ve been there but I haven’t heard you complaining. We’ve all grown comfortable here, but that’s a good thing, it means we’re safe and home and we’re living. Not just alive, but living.”

“I…hadn’t thought about it that way,” you whispered, “I hadn’t really noticed anything different about you.

“See? It didn’t matter to you, why would it matter to me? And even if it wasn’t any of those things, it wouldn’t matter to me. I love you,” you were perched on his lap now, looking at him with soft eyes. His hands settled on your hips and he gave them a gentle squeeze, “besides, ain’t nothing wrong with a little thicker, baby.”

“Joel,” you were laughing now, but a few tears managed to run down your cheeks; but these ones weren’t of sadness. He wiped them away tenderly, “thank you.”

“Nothing to thank me for,” he insisted, “I’m just telling you how it is. Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Is this why you’ve been avoiding me and only had sex in the total darkness?” admittedly it sounded silly when he said it like that. Your face warmed up as you bit your lip and shyly nodded. That look on its own was enough to make him practically melt, “oh baby.”

“It didn’t seem stupid at the time!” you burrowed your face in your hands to try and hide but he pulled your hands away from your face, “don’t laugh at me.”

“I’m not, it’s affectionate,” he grinned, “you also don’t think I noticed anything. I might be dumb at times, but I ain’t stupid.”

“But you didn’t…say anything,” you cocked your head to the side as he raised an eyebrow.

“Again…why would I have?”

“You’re the best,” you leaned forward and wrapped your arms around his neck and leaned in to hug him, clinging onto him like a koala, “I love you so much.”

“I love you,” he pressed a kiss to the side of your head, “no matter what either of us look like. You’re still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

“No you’re just trying to flatter me,” you snorted in amusement as you pulled back to look at him, “don’t look at me like that with those big brown eyes, Miller. That’s cheating!”

“It’s not flattery, it’s the truth,” he said, “and I’ll look at you any which way I want. Okay?”

“Okay,” you teased, “whatever you say.”

“That’s right,” he nodded in agreement, “now take off this sweater and leave the light on…only if you want to though.”

“Now that I can do,” you grinned, “gladly.”

[problemswithbooks]

On Stella (Helluva Boss)

The fandom fights a lot over Stella and how she's written. Fans who like the way she is presented say it's fine that she's a one-dimensional 'evil queen' trope. It's not bad writing that she's so shallow and one note--some villains are better that way.

That isn't an inherently wrong statement. Some of the most fun villains are shallow, evil, for evil's sake types. Unfortunately, I don't think Stella works as this type of villain for a multitude of reasons.

Reason 1: Stella's 'evil' trait is at odds with the themes of the show.

Stella's primary evil trait is that she's cruel to Stolas simply because she likes being cruel to him. She's abusive and hates him. That, by itself isn't the problem. The problem is that the story isn't about Stolas being in an abusive relationship--it's primarily about two people from two different classes, and how they have to become better people and change in order to have the loving relationship they both want.

Yes, Stolas being in a past abusive relationship could be a hurtle to his growth as a character and him being in a relationship with Blitz, but the show never goes there even when it could. Stolas is not shown as being triggered by Blitz's yelling at him. In Apology Tour he has no issues fighting back and telling Blitz off, ordering him to leave. Blitz's yelling and more aggressive attitude isn't what leads to their misunderstandings, where Blitz accidentally hurts Stolas by reminding him of Stella's abuse.

Instead, Stella's abuse isn't even touched on in any major way, and does nothing to move the plot forward or cause connected drama between the two leads. Yes, she hires Striker to kill Stolas and that does at times cause problems, but she didn't need to be abusive inorder to explain why she'd want Stolas dead. In a world where assassins and murder is around every corner, it'd make just as much sense for Stella to hire Striker because Stolas cheated, and it made her a laughingstock among her high class friends.

I'd even argue her abuse makes the story make less sense. We know, from Stolas's own admission, that once his daughter was born, their marriage wasn't necessary. He claims he stayed to give Octavia a normal life, but if Stella is as volatile as she's shown, why would he think Via being around her was a good idea? If Stella had been less outwardly antagonistic and instead more cold and standoffish, with the both of them having mostly separate lives, intersected by polite, if strained family interactions when around Via, then him staying would make sense.

One of the reasons I think more people wanted Stella to be a caring mother to Octavia was because it explains why her and Stolas were still married despite her constant abuse towards him. If Stella cared about Via, and they were close, Stolas would be not only reluctant to leave but to let their false pretense of 'happy couple' slip in front of Via, since both would hurt her. It also would make Octavia's choice to stay with Stella and her anger at Stolas hold more weight, and give Via more complicated emotions. She'd really love her mom, but be confronted with the fact she hurt her father, who she also loves. As it is, it's pretty clear to see that as soon as Octavia finds out Stella is pure evil, she'll easily go back to Stolas with very little if any internal conflict.

Reason 2: Vivziepop claims she's not a one-dimensional character.

A really huge issue with Stella being presented as a one note bitch, is because the creator herself claims she's not. In an interview, Vivzie says Stella is like Beatrice Horseman from BoJack Horseman, saying that at some point we will see things from her perspective.

The problem with this is that Stella has already been portrayed too negatively and flat for this to work. Beatrice worked because, while yes she was awful to Bojkack, she also had Alzheimer's which gained her some sympathy points, as did the way Hollyhock cared for her. She also wasn't always over the top horrible to Bojack, being more passive-aggressive and neglectful.

On top of that, despite her abuse toward BoJack, particularly when he was growing up, she wasn't framed as the reason for all of BoJack's issues. He was still responsible for his own shitty actions as an adult, and when he retaliated toward her, like tossing the baby doll off the balcony, it was framed as shitty behavior. More than anything, their interactions said more about BoJack than Beatrice. Him trying to hurt her, by throwing away her baby doll or putting her in the shittiest nursing home he could find was to show how BoJack wishes he could retaliate against his mother for all the things she did to him, but it leaves him feeling hollow because he knows that due to her disease she's not aware of who he is. It's meaningless, doesn't help him get any closure.

Stella is not presented as anything other than over the top abusive in every scene she's in. Nothing in the show suggests she's anything besides violent, even going so far as having her choking dogs in a childhood picture. Nor is Stolas's treatment of her supposed to reflect on him or characterize him. The only time it might is when he ignores Via because he's too caught up fighting with on the phone, but again, it's not given much focus and he doesn't reflect on it. The same goes for the cheating--yes, Stella was abusive and he doesn't necessarily owe her anything, but Stolas refuses to acknowledge that what he did clearly upset Stella, both times he talks about it asserting that he knows he didn't hurt her. No, they weren't in love, but cheating is still degrading, and Stella is obviously upset. Frankly, I think it would have made more sense for Stolas to rub that fact in her face--he has no issue insulting her, as we see later in that conversation. Instead, his continued assurance that he didn't hurt her or do anything wrong feels like the writers talking through the character, afraid watchers will judge Stolas to harshly otherwise.

Stella getting the Beatrice treatment will likely fail because there is nothing to soften the audience toward her even a little. She has been presented as Stolas's tormentor and nothing else. There are flashes of possible sympathy for her when she interacts with her brother, but for the most part they're framed as Andre being right and Stella being stupid, rather than Stella possibly being manipulated and used by her brother.

It also will fall flat because unless her background is another showcase of how even the upper class are hurt by the system, and this leads to something either story or character wise for the main cast, then there is no point to bring it up. The point of Beatrice's story was to show how generational trauma seeps down into the next generation. BoJack doesn't even have to know about it for it to reflect on his character and explain why he is the way he is. He and his mother parallel each other, where they start out as innocent children but through their parents mistakes, they grow up into cynical, bitter adults who both feel as if they've wasted their lives.

Reason 3: To many villains.

Stella has taken a backseat in her own villain story to her brother, who, just like Stella, is simply evil (he's even characterized as a catty bitch, just like she is, except less of a yeller). It's true Andre wants power, whereas Stella wants...well nothing really, just Stolas dead I guess, but for the most part they are nearly the same. Andre is just a better written version of Stella since he actually gets to make plans and have an end goal.

Once Andre gets introduced, Stella is redundant because she offers nothing different and in fact offers less to the story overall. If Stella was going to be a flat, evil for evil’s sake villain, she and Andre should have been combined. It would have made far more sense to have Stella be a bit smarter and be the one plotting to get Stolas's power. It also would have made the court scenes more impactful because Stella would be a character that was established far earlier, and who we know is a major threat to Stolas, since she's the one that hired Striker to torture and kill him.

If Andre was going to be the main big bad for Stolas, then Stella needed to offer something different. Generally the underling under the main villain is more sympathetic, and less evil, as a way to showcase how much worse the main bad guy is. Or they're more charismatic and show up far more than the main bad guy, like Azula and Ozai. As it is, Stella is neither. She shows up just as little as her brother, and does far less.

And, while Vivzie is a woman herself, I do find the handling of Stella to have mysoginistic undertones, mainly that since her brother has shown up, she is constantly shown as stupid, and that her only good quality is her looks--things her brother constantly brings up, but are not framed as shitty on his part. Them being essentually the same charater make this look all the worse, since Andre, as I've said, didn't need to be a charater at all, and Stella could have been the main villain instead. To pretty much sideline a female charater in order to introduce a male charater that fills the same roll is not the best. Just like racisuim, sexisuim doesn't have to be done purposfly, and I don't blame anyone who finds this choice to be sexist.

Then there's Striker.

Another reason I think Stella and Andre should have been combined. Striker worked really well as the side antagonist under the main villain. He's the one we see more of, he's more charismatic and has hints of a generally interesting backstory, one that we know would fit into the theme the show has of class issues. He's a mirror of what Blitz could have turned into, while Stella could be presented as Stolas's opposite. Even their work relationship could be a dark mirror of Blitz and Stolas's real love for one another.

As it is, Striker is under two other villains, one of which has become essentially unless to the story (Stella can't do anything Andre can't at this point, especially since her and Via aren't shown to have a close relationship). This reduces his threat level and reduced his screen time since he now has to share it with another character. We can see this in the newest episode, where we get a scene where Andre is talking to Stella and then Striker appears later at the trial with no explanation. If Andre and Stella were combined, that scene could have been Stella going over the plan with Striker instead. This would have helped Striker's character, since as it is, his appearance at the trial is confusing. Maybe he's just out for himself and his selfishness won out over his hate of Royals, maybe he was blackmailed, maybe he was so furious and his pride wounded so much by Blitz he'd do anything to bring him down, maybe it's a combination of all three. We don't know because we aren't given the set up. Is it cool that Striker was a suprise? Sure, but in this case it wasn't worth not showing the charater's reason for doing something that seems to go agasint his own charaterization.

Reson 4: Threat.

One of the main reasons to have a simply evil villain is so the can be incredibly menicing. The Aundence doesn't have to feel anything but fear for the protagonists and hate for the villain. They pose no deep moral question, and it feels great when they're beaten.

Despite being a major villain we never see her threat felt by the protagonists. Take her abuse of Stolas. We see her go to hit him and he catches her hand easily and tells her off without issue. Stolas has no problem standing up to Stella ever. In The entire show Stolas is never portayed as afraid of Stella.

Contrast this with how Moxxie and Crimson interact. Yes, sometimes Moxxie does stand up to his father, but we are shown how terrified he is of Crimson multiple times during the one episonde they interact. In comparison Stella's actions never make Stolas even worried. The most we see is him doging things when she throws things at him, but he doesn't seem genuinly afraid, and it's forgoten as soon as she leaves.

He insults her over the phine, insults her to her face. When he learns she hired Striker we arent shown him suddenly relize he underestimated her and become afraid. He instead he's more conserned with his reletionship with Blitz and getting him a crystal. Stolas never tells Blitz about Stella, so we don't even know how Blitz feels about how she treated him.

It's hard for a pure eveil villain to work when only one charater even seems to know they exist and they aren't even worried about offending them. The only way this could work is if Stella pretended to be nice most of the time, but was secretly ploting, like Scar in the Lion King. Instead she's framed as this force of nature, pure bitch, who torments Stolas, yet Stolas doesn't even show anxiaty when having to meet with her, something we know he's prone too because he shuts himself in the refrigerator when contemplating his confession to Blitz ending badly.

If the writers want Stella to be evil--make her evil. Let her be powerful and scary. Have Stolas fintch at her voice, show flashbacks of her hitting him, let her win arguments and verbally tear Stolas down. Make her smart enough to plan things on her own.

I think when alot of people say Stella is a badly written charater it's not nessesarily because they wanted her to be good, or complex. I don't see alot of people angry at how Mother Gothel was written (besides her deisgn being anti-semetic) or Maleficent. It's possible to write evil, one-dimensional female villains. The issue is that even as an evil bitch, Stella falls short in a mutitupe of ways. Her charater is a complete waste, even more so now that her brother has been introduced. She has no reason to exist and serves no narritive purpose. Even as a raod block to the Stolas/Blitz ship she isn't nessesaey because their main issue is the class systum. Stella could have been dead before the show started, leaving Stolas with Via for drama, and Andre could be the evil uncle trying to get Stolas's power.

Stella is pretty much a sexy lamp, execpt the sexy lamp is also a bitch. She's less affective then the random bitch charaters introduced in romatic webtoon comics that are only there to be mean to the main charater and try to steal her man. Stella's not badly written because she's pure evil and simple, she's badly written because she doesn't serve a purpose in the story and could be replaced with a sexy, evil lamp.

[igglemouse]

So I learn right away what Pascal meant that he had a new house...he meant it was bought and ready to be moved in the next day, just waiting! So, that very Sunday morning we move in and leave most of the old stuff behind, some of it will be coming over, but new place, new start, right? Yeah, so, it is a lot bigger, and I can at least confirm that the bathroom, the one connected to the master bedroom, works and although it is a new place we will have the same routines. I'm not sure if I've ever caught him shaving though, not sure if I prefer him clean or with a bit of fluff on his chin.

And the new kitchen is...well, look at it! It's a massive improvement and it definitely needs to be because a nice kitchen will always be my top priority. A whole island to work with, plenty of counter space, and just enough room to where I'm not accidentally bumping into anything. I can't wait to get settled into and make use of all my new space but for now, I'll keep things simple and whip up an apple salad because again, we don't have much here for today, so the new fridge is empty so it is a very keep it simple stupid kind of day.

The apple salad must be good because we absolutely tear right though it, leaving nothing in our bowls, and while it doesn't take much to make a good salad other than fresh ingredients I'm proud of it all the same. Pascal finishes a little after me and finally asks the question that he was holding back all morning. "What do you think about the place? Room to grow?"

"Yeah definitely! A lot more spacious," I reply and glance around. The dining room is more spacious too and I just love love love the window into the kitchen. This place is not a mansion but it is more than I could ever have imagined. I was just a poor girl from Selva who lived day by day.

"Yeah, its wider," Pascal leans back a little in his chair, clearly happy that I'm happy with his decision. "Room enough for Flora to run wild in, I hope!" and there is a sparkle in his eye when he he says that, pride? I hope so! I really do hope he loves her as much as I do.

"Are we already imagining her kick a ball around, then?" I tease, wanting to see how much of her future has he imagined. We all do it, don't we? See our children as future doctors or teachers or even world leaders, and it's good to see him doing the same. For my entire pregnancy there was this nagging feeling that I was carrying her all on my own but he has given me little hints that he's also invested. In his own way, I suppose.

"Just saying!" He laughs and shrugs. "Kids like to run around and that last place was more like a pad. Not enough room for children."

"You keep using the plural?" My brow raises and my voice is tinted with some amusement.

"Well..." he starts and I know exactly where he's headed with this. I brace myself for it, hearing the words before he even speaks them. "Another wouldn't be a bad thing, right?"

"No! Not at all!" I push out quickly but the surprise in my voice is clear. "I just...didn't expect you'd want another?" My head tilts as I take in the man before me. Has the birth of Flora matured him? Perhaps gave him a new outlook on life? He's always been so casual and indifferent that it does shock me that he's throwing around the idea of child #2 so easily.

"Why not?" he shrugs again as if this was always the plan.

"Because..." I hesitate because I do have something else on my mind. If we do have another baby will I be doing 99% of the work? Well, with two it would be double the work, wouldn't it? "It's not that easy for me, you know? You just ummm, you know, do your part and I have to bring it into the world and then I gain all this weight too and-"

"Oh no no no, I'm not saying now! I'm just saying, you know, whenever you're ready! I'm just putting it out there that I'd like it, you know, and if you need a fitness coach who better than me?"

"If it happens, it happens!" I settle on that for now because honestly, I don't want Flora to be an only child. As for the weight thing I Can only laugh. "Alright coach! Just put me on a diet and workout plan then!"

So it's decided, she will have a younger sibling someday, but for right now she is the precious only child. It's incredible how this tiny little girl with her little fingers and toes and hands and eyes and coos has already taken up so much of my thoughts, attention, and my love. She's my entire world and I will not rush through a single moment of this. I'll enjoy it all. Even the crying and endless diaper changing, they are all moments I will try my best to cherish.

I do catch myself thinking about Anthony, my 'dad'. Should I tell him about Flora? I could write a letter and let him know she exists I guess or does he even deserve to know? It's not like he'll ever meet her as he's going to spend his life behind bars. When I look at her little face and drown in her innocent eyes the idea of him being connected to her feels wrong. Why let the shadow of him fall over this bright little life? The past should stay where it's at, in the past, and she, my little Flora, is the present.

After feeding and taking care of Flora I dive right into working on my body. Pascal is here, of course, but he's not overbearing. He's keeping with his own routine which is some light stretching and yoga which allows me to lose this weight at my own pace and yes, I do need to lose it. The truth of the matter is, Pascal is who he says he is, a future superstar with the potential of being an all time GOAT, or so I'm told. This means other women will be throwing themselves at him and I admit to feeling a little insecure about my body right now.

This gym by the way is all in black because Pascal calls it the 'no nonsense' room. It's a work in progress, but so is everything in this house.

This house has sooo many rooms and thankfully it's more than enough for not just a growing family but for me to have my own media creation room. It too is a work in prgoress but honestly it means so much to me. If you recall, Pascal wants me to focus on being a mother and seemingly even discouraged me from working and so him having this room ready to go for me to pursue my new SimTube dreams shows that not only are we not going to fight about this in the future but that maybe he will support it as well.

I'm super eager to get started and so I jump right into it with my first video being about tofu tacos. Okay, yeah, that's not the most exciting dish to feature but I followed my gut and this is what I want to eat for tonight so that's what's getting cooked. It's also simple and its something I know very well and while it might not be the most exciting first video it's something. It's a start!

Hopefully, Ray can help me with a bit of a boost to get things going. I'm not expecting fame or fortune and it doesn't need to make me rich. I just want enough to say I cook for a living and I'm happy to share my passion with those who want to learn and watch. Explaining recipes and teaching a bit of my culture at the same time. It's a chance to create, connect, and cook, what's not to love?

But just when I thought I was settling into my new life and my new home and hopefully new routines a ghost of the past shows up at my door.

It was Candela. Yes, that Candela. The one person I never thought I'd see again and yet here she was standing on my new doorstep as if she were expected. I froze, taking a moment to take her in, the hair, the new tattoos, and that confident smirk on her lips. I knew then she hadn't changed much, she carried with her the same confidence and aura pushed off her her and...oh, I was staring and she was staring right back.

"Well?" she says, raising an eyebrow. "Am I going to stand out here all day or...?"

"O-oh, right!" I stammer, quickly fumbling and stepping aside to motion her in.

So I show Candela around the new place a bit but there really isn't much to see yet. Empty walls and bare floors, space waiting to filled with touch and love and memories and purpose. Pascal and I will make it a home but for now it's just a blank canvas. Still, Candela is impressed, nodding along as I point things out.

Eventually, we settled at the dining table, that one piece of furniture that is needed day one, and we start to catch up. It doesn't take me long to discover that a lot has changed with her actually. For one, she's married now, the ring on her finger evidence of that, and I try to picture it and hope that she has tied the knot to a better man than the last one.

So I ask about her story and she dives in and I'm reminded of just how complicated life is.

"You know, I slid right out of there?" she says, quietly, speaking of the moment both of our lives changed. "No one expected it of me, they thought I was devastated, manic, and I played the part well because I had to. No one could believe I killed him, of course, why would they? Everyone thought I Was obsessed with simoleons so why kill the man who was going to give me the good life?" She speaks so calculated, so pragmatic, so Candela, but there is some pride there in her voice. As if it was all part of some grand scheme.

Honestly, I do believe her. Candela comes off that way, you know? A woman seeking luxury and one who would not accept anything less. She's the kind of person who marries rich and not out of love because she can, because it is her right, and judging by the size of the ring on her finger I wonder about this new man she's tied herself to. She's not flaunting it, I should add, but still it sparkles with every movement of her hand, each glimmer a reminder of who she is at her core.

"What about me? A-anyone still looking for me?" My voice falters with the weight of the question as it is an answer I've always wondered about. I've pushed that fear away because its hard to live with that kind of paranoia and yet still...

"Your father played his part well too," she says, her tone soft now, reflective. "He made sure no one could suspect anyone else. Most people think he put you into hiding as retaliation or something, so they couldn't consider you. To most, you were just some lost girl, one among many, no one is looking for you."

"Oh..." I manage to say, caught a little off guard, all this time I had this fear that the past would catch up to me and it looks like it hasn't even started to search.

"You saved many lives when you killed that pendejo. Including mine. I owe you for that one."

"O-oh, all in a day's work I guess!" I try to joke, though it comes to shaky. "I suppose I should don a cape?" It's a dark joke, I know, but it's easier to deflect than dwell. I've spent so much time trying to ignore my past and try not to think on the night I killed a man even if it were in self-defense, but the weight of it lingers on me even now. I push the conversation to another direction. "So, you live here in Oasis Springs too?"

"It's not been that long actually," Candela says. "I was living in Ciudad Enamorada for a while but the hubby thought it better to leave that country entirely after the baby-"

"You are a mom too!?" I blurt out, unable to hold back my shock.

"You're a mom too!?!" she fires back immediately, just as shocked but grinning as wide as possible. The surprise in both of our voices clear but turns into a shared laughter.

We settle in, chatting about our children, and I learn quickly she has a little girl too! It's funny how the conversation shift into planned playdates. "You know, I don't even live that far away so that definitely will happen!" I am wondering how she found me but then I remember she had been trying to call me and so...I wonder what that is about but the idea of our little girls playing together is an idea I can get behind.

So umm...yeah...today was certainly a day. I love Candela, I really do, and if there is one part of my past returning to me it is definitely her...

Frida Varela - Next Episode 9.2

[lastoneout]

CW: Discussions of weight loss, fatphobia, eating disorders, and cancer.

I still cannot get over how when I dropped 30lbs in part because I had a massive IBS flare for like two months that was so bad I was going to get multiple tests to make sure I didn't have cancer and yet I could not and STILL can't even mention it to a doctor(or most people) without them congratulating me. Like there are a few things a doctor can say that piss me the fuck off but congratulating me for dropping 30lbs during a period of my life where I thought I might be DYING instantly makes me hate them. I'm STILL having to say "I got really sick and lost 30lbs" to make people shut the fuck up. I was getting skinny so fast it was scaring my family AND me but whatever I guess being skinny is SO great and I should be thankful I went through hell that permanently changed my body in a way that I genuinely don't like!

'Cuz that's the other thing, I don't like how I look now. I gained like ~8lbs when I was in bed with the blood clot and ngl I started actually liking the way my body looked again. I don't like how I look rn, my fiance does(he loves how I look 100% of the time and I appreciate that endlessly) but even he admits I looked happier and healthier when I weighed 160lbs and now I kinda just look like I'm exhausted. When I got up to 143lbs I was looking in the mirror like "oh, I almost look like myself again, I forgot what it felt like to be happy with my body" like I looked healthier!! But nah the weight is already falling off because 135lbs is my new baseline and there's nothing I can do about that. (Also I hated how I had to get new knee braces made because my old ones don't fit anymore and I had to buy new clothes because the ones I enjoyed don't fit anymore and augh the only thing that is making me like my body rn is dressing butch, if I didn't have that I'd be going insane.) And I still have to deal with people acting like this thing that has legit ruined years of body positivity work is a good thing. Because at least I'm skinnier.

Society is so sickeningly "skinny positive" it legit disgusts me. And like this isn't even a drop in the bucket compared to what fat people go through, and it's why I'm so fucking passionate about fat liberation, I've watched tons of people I love completely destroy themselves to look more like me and I have to sit here and not only feel awful because I love them and don't want them to have to go through this but also because I know even looking like me wont be enough. Doctors still tell me to lose weight because I'm like a couple of lbs outside of "healthy" on the BMI scale, which is insane I weigh less than 10lbs more than I did when I was SIXTEEN atm and I can't say anything because I know they won't listen if I explain that even just being this thin is making me hate myself and feel like shit.

Fatphobia is so fucking evil. It absolutely destroys people. I genuinely baffles me that most skinny people can't see it because it's being used against us too, just in an affirming way and to me that is genuinely repulsive. Every compliment on my weight loss makes me want to punch through a brick wall. Knowing my story is going to be used to bludgeon other people with my condition becuase I lost weight without doing anything so "everyone" should be able to makes me so angry I could cry. It actually makes me feel sick to be praised for this, to know I'm a "success" story, to be lumped in with people who hate the people I love for the way their bodies naturally are, who want my loved ones to destroy themselves, who think I'm better than them when I am absolutely not.

Fat liberation is what we need to work towards, not "skinny positivity" or whatever, this is a systemic issue just like sexism and racism and homophobia and ableism and it must be dismantled if we want to create a better world for us all.

[quiteliterallyilliterate]

If you want another request, how about something with Four? I feel like he is an undertapped Link in the LU x reader fic verse. I also think he fits in well with a bunch of different story types. He has the skills to live a peaceful life at home with a partner, he has the Colors, he also can be small (or a Minish depending on whether you believe his is small or transforms into a Minish), & shadow…. I am not picky whatsoever , but if you are willing, could you do some Four x reader?

Order up!

*ahem* I AM MOST DEFINITELY WILLING. GIVEGIVEGIVEGIVE- I agree with you. This man needs more love. Formatting a little differently this time, let me know what y’all think!

(thanks again to @litrllyvoid for proofreadin’)

Hope you enjoy~

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝

Long he had lived a simple life. Even with the dramatic disruptions of the world, he could tell it wasn’t a life cut out for him. That grandeur had called to him, and when he responded, there was only judgement in turn. Since he was little, Link had found peace with the small world within his village. Running through uneven grassy hills and causing havoc, hand in hand with you. His arms and legs bruised, but with a full heart and genuine grin. Though, the older he gets, and the more the edges of his memory begin to fray, he wonders if that were truly the case. Perhaps it wasn’t that he was content with the world he was born into. It is on cold mornings such as this where the question burdened him most. Was it life that made him happy, or was it just you?

He burned the thought away, tugging at the fragile nerves that caressed his heart. He shrugged on some clothes with little regard for what he adorned himself with. It wasn’t as if there was anyone to impress— especially when he’d be working for the most of the day.

Each stair step creaked and groaned. His grandfather sat at the table, already eating breakfast. He plucked an apple on his way to sit, its waxy skin once a luxury that would’ve been shared. He no longer needed a knife to split the core in half. The juice tasted less sweet when there wasn’t sweet laughter accompanying it.

“Yikes, bad apple?” His grandfather laughed huskily in reaction to his dismay, crows feet and smile lines etched into his face. How was it that he could find happiness here where Link could not?

“Rough morning.”

“Ah. I see. Please… take a break if you need to” The old man clasped his hands, bony elbows rested on the table. It wasn’t hard to spot the concern in the deepset wrinkles of his grandfather’s face. Link found the strength to nod and move on for the moment.

The dull ache of his arms never faded as he worked. It was to be expected, forging something from an abstract nothing was not a task even the gods found simplistic. Monotonous, sure. There was a rhythm in each strike against the metal, a pattern to be found within the firings.

There was a finality like death in the quench of the blade.

The weight of his work and a life brought to an abrupt end.

And like a body, he decorated the corpse with wood, wrapping it in delicate cloth— a casket of its own.

Creation was not a task meant for mortals, he thinks. Though people often try to make it so, the hollow pain in his joints and sear of his muscles make it apparent. It strains him, though it is what fuels him. There is a sense of grief whenever he hands over a blade he slaved over— a mourning so powerful that no amount of rupees wish away.

It was in such a similar manner that he loved you. With such a sense of fullness and unconditionality, he did not stop to think of a world for which you were not in it. It is foolish of him to long for his childhood just because it was spent hand in hand with you. But he’d give anything to have colors be so bright again and for his smile to be so wide and genuine. It didn’t matter how bruised he’d be, so long as he gained those bruises running down riverbeds with you.

Now, he dressed up the body of those memories. Decorating you in his mind's eye with blue thistles, sprigs of rosemary, wild poppies and violets. Each aspect of him paying homage to their love of you. Of who he can only hope you continued to be.

The blade he held cracked when it was dipped into the water, split in twain. He looked at the jagged edge where the hilt was severed.

He could not find it within himself to remeld the pieces.

It would not be the same again.

He needed to move on.

He was close enough when adventuring with his brethren. There was enough fighting and adrenaline to keep his mind off his wounds. He let himself attach —maybe not in such a similar fashion as he did you— but in a way equally fulfilling.

What a fool he was.

How could he not notice the darkness creeping its way in? The abyss called for his return, sentencing him back to a cage he built. And so, he returned. Back to a life wherein he could reap no joy but couldn’t muster the strength to leave.

He wished he had his brothers. Time to help him forge a plan of escape from the mundane. Twilight to offer assistance in the smaller tasks— so he could manage life just a little bit easier. Sky to boss him into taking a break, even if it were just stretching. Legend to banter with as he worked, taking the weight off of the task. Wild to make use of the end product, to give the life of the blade meaning. Even just the careful eyes of Wind studying what he did. He missed how individual he felt, yet still holding his place among the set. He’d always have a home there, even if he was fundamentally different from his brethren.

He wished he still had a home with you.

You still had a home with him.

If only you’d return to him…

But life is not such a simple endeavour, and he doubts your parents would be content with you marrying some blacksmith, even if he held the title of hero. That was if you weren’t already forced to marry. That was if you still loved him.

He hopes whatever life you’ve been condemned to is happy.

Because if he is not there to protect you from the worst that fate has to offer, he can at least hope that there’s someone there who can.

Even though it isn’t him.

[tracingpatternswrites]

Fic rec time!

In honour of @heartofspells' birthday, and because my gift is late, I'm going to do a little fic rec list with my favourite fics of hers in the past year.

Please go read and drop her a comment because she deserves the world. Harry thinks his dad is lonely and decides to find Sirius a boyfriend.

Wolfstar

Multiplying Parents - T - 23k

This fic is SO CUTE, entirely told from nearly 8 year old Harry's POV. Harry thinks that his dad seems lonely, and he decides to find him a boyfriend.

"This isn't a date," he bites out, mostly due to confusion without any true ire. He turns to Remus, his face set into deep lines. "I don't have dinner." Remus takes a step backwards, and Sirius only then seems to realize the tone of his voice. "Shit. Sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean – " "No, I'm sorry," breaks in Remus, shaking his head, taking another step back, moving away from the door. "I should have known. Harry said – " "Harry," groans Sirius, his head tipping backwards over his shoulders, eyes rolling to the ceiling. Andromeda turns, hiding a snicker. She catches sight of Harry peeking through the door and passes him a delightful grin.

Don't say sheep - T - 4k

Holli wrote this for my birthday and it's an entirely ridiculous little thing but it's so cute and so funny. Sirius and Remus are sheep farmers and Harry loves the sheep.

In hindsight, they probably should have thrown out the sheep costume.

Devil in the kitchen - T - 5k

I LOVE THIS. It's inspired by Rob Pattinson insane GQ interview during the pandemic and it's just so fucking funny.

Lily thinks James can't do anything without magic. She's right, of course, but it's not Sirius' place to agree with her, and at least he's entertained.

This Way We Fall - E - 81k

Holli's wonderful Big Bang fic from last year. It's so, so, so good and it deserves so much more. It's angsty and sad but has so much hope and Harry in this is just a fucking delight. Sirius' and Remus' relationship is so hard but also beautiful. This fic deserves so much more attention, please go read it and send it some love!

All he'd wanted was some time. Just a bit of time to get his head back on straight. But time had turned into two dead friends, twelve months spent in Azkaban that had felt like years, and a head more damaged than when he'd started. Blinded by distrust and grief, Sirius had turned his back on Remus, thinking it would cost him nothing while it had cost him everything. Now, five years later, drowning in his own fog of terrible days and worse actions, Sirius stands a small chance of gaining back some of what he's lost in the form of his godson once thought gone. The only thing that stands in his way is the man currently raising Harry; the man Sirius cast out of his life like broken shards of glass. Remus doesn't trust Sirius, but Sirius is determined to claw his way back and mend what once was broken by his own foolish hands.

Prongsfoot

CRuSH - E - 130k

This is a deliciously angsty Prongsfoot. The boy are such a mess and James is very different, but it works so perfectly. And everything just beautifully written.

After travelling around the world as a Healer for four years, Sirius thinks it should be simple to return home to aid his best friend through his divorce. James needs him, and Sirius misses his family. With their history locked away inside dorm room beds and dark corners of a castle once called home, Sirius is determined to move forward, convinced James barely remembers it at all. Attempting to reestablish the friendship they'd always had, Sirius is set on pretending it never happened, at least until he realizes the years away haven't changed the weight of the powerful spell James holds over him.

Anyway, that was it. Go, read, leave a comment or a kudo.

Happy Birthday, Holli!

[illwynd]

What direction would you have enjoyed most for Thor and Loki after TDW?

I recall in the long dry years between TDW and TR, a large part of the conversation in the fandom around this topic was on how pissed off Thor would be when he learned that Loki hadn’t actually died and had kept that fact from him (or “faked his death,” however you wanna phrase it) and how much trust would have to be rebuilt. And there is definitely that aspect of it. I think there was trust that needed to be rebuilt on both sides, in fact, and many long-overdue conversations about everything that had gone wrong to get them to that point. Conversations about Loki’s ancestry and his miscalculation with the Destroyer and all the questions Thor didn’t ask when Loki reappeared and not visiting him in the cells and ancient resentments and so many other things. 

But most of the fandom, in the discussions I’ve seen, seems to have been hoping for resolution between them, for things to get all healed and tied up in a tidy little bow and have their character arcs just ride off into the sunset and… yeah, I don’t want that. I never wanted that. There is way too much emphasis these days on “healthy” and “wholesome” and, goddamn, like what are y’all doing looking at these two if you’re looking for therapist-approved wellbeing? You’re digging in the wrong place. (Something that I feel is carried over from Norse mythology into their characters is the idea that there is value and importance in lives that don’t have a Happily Ever After, worlds ending in destruction and final defeat but with a deep integrity to what mattered. The world doesn’t promise healing. Sometimes, living with the knowledge that things will not be fixed in the end but it all matters anyway, and the connections between people matter, and the ability to find flickering moments of joy amidst the sorrows… to me that is far better, far more fitting to who they are than any tidy, happy resolution could ever be.)

One of the things that I love about many of their comics arcs is the sense that while things do change between them over time, with different emphases coming into focus and into prominence, there is an essence to both of them that keeps them in perpetual conflict and ALSO keeps the love strong enough that neither of them ever wants to go their separate ways permanently. They both have their own lives, with Thor doing his best at heroing and Loki doing his best at being himself, but Their Relationship is a constant, and it’s nobody else’s business, and whether they’re on opposite sides in their daily lives doesn’t really factor into it. 

So basically, in my ideal world in which phase 3+ didn’t suck, TR would have involved some of those long-overdue conversations and some working together against a bigger bad, but the kiss-and-make-up would have been incomplete, like an unresolved chord at the end of a phrase of music. Loki would have disappeared again but this time making sure Thor knew he wasn’t dead, and he’d have popped up again from time to time, always with uncertain allegiances, to have a few poignant interactions with Thor, or to absolutely destroy some big bad that’s threatening Thor’s life but in the meantime doing something that makes it seem like he got some material gain out of doing so (just to keep everyone on their toes), and if anyone questions this in Thor’s presence you’d get a very stormy look and a subtle suggestion that he doesn’t have to be slumming it on Earth. 

Loki would be there to be The Most Important Person in Thor’s life even when he’s not physically present, and the niggling itch that never quite goes away from the fact that things aren’t resolved and may be unresolvable. (Having a relationship like that—where it is possible or likely that things can’t be fixed—is actually really important to telling Thor stories that have emotional weight. Resolving the relationship or making the question null through death cuts off so many of the important questions that cling to Thor in themes and resonances. To a character who embodies the virtue of striving for heroism and goodness, an unquenchable love for such a liminal character as Loki, whose moral standing flits all across the field at any given moment, and having Thor see that not as a problem, as a liability or an inconsistency but instead as a value in itself—that keeps Thor from becoming an insufferable, inflexible moral pedant.) And Thor—Loki’s love and devotion to Thor, mingled with his resentment of him and the lingering frayed edges of his trust and the centuries-old anger and desire to win against him just once—would be there to rest like a base color underpainted beneath everything Loki does in his schemes and clever workings and, a gnarled anchor or a rusted root, keep him from wandering too far afield.

And, I mean, they’re gods. If you carry any story on long enough it ends in death, but in a story of superheroes and modern legends, the gods should still be there in the end, at the edge of the tale, perhaps, but continuing nonetheless, spinning against the stars, the huge half-invisible shadows of giants bordering the far horizon, the cycles of their lives so much longer than ours.

[hoodoobarbie]

LIFE UPDATE

Mentally I feel like was been struggling to create content, art, write and even interact on social media, due to massive adhd burnout, during the past few months and year. I feel like I let y’all down but I’m slowly returning to my blogs an social media.

This blog grew super fast and which scared, then overwhelmed me. I got overstimulated and started overthinking everything. I also think I got overzealous and started too many small projects, confusing myself even more. I’m still learning that I need to keep things simplified for the good of my adhd challenged brain while struggling with executive function despite my grand ambitions. Slowing down, for the sake of clarity is something I’ll always have to work at.

Spiritually I’ve grown so much on my path in Hoodoo which has been incredible. I don’t know if I should make that a separate post for later but I just feel incredibly blessed and even more connected to myself, my people and the world around me. I’ve gotten wiser and I’m forever grateful for all things Hoodoo, it’s saved my life. I’ve watched people come in and out of this community, by way of the church, disinterest, witch wars and even psychosis. I’ve learned a great deal about myself and my own mental health, which has empowered me further. I’ve laughed, I’ve learned, I’ve thrown hands with big dogs and made peace with and gained more understanding of the metaphysical realm.

Most importantly my faith and hope in life has been restored, knowing that I no longer will be a victim of injustice. I’m blessed to know how to conjure justice, swiftly and without fail. No longer with head on swivel or on edge as a black woman, it’s given me deep sense of peace and relief. No longer a victim of unlucky circumstances, I am the captain of my own ship. It’s all so scary, exhilarating and mind blowing at the same time. It’s a feeling I wish and pray for every black person to experience in their lifetime. It is a weight that I hate to see us carry, which is why I do my best to spread the love of Hoodoo all around.

I’ve worked and will continue to work hard on my ancestral journey, choosing to venerate them over worship. Through veneration, I’m breaking inter generational trauma, curses and chains and laying the groundwork for a better life for my entire bloodline.

In the meantime, Happy Hoodoo Heritage Month!!

HOODOOBARBIE

[b4tasquad]

hii im happy ur back!! could you write dad!kenny please 🙏

Authors note: i finally finally finally got myself together and wrote something for Kenny. can’t believe i haven’t before 😧 also i don’t usually write anything involving pregnancy or anything so this is new…

Warnings: mentions of tough pregnancy?? nothing more

…

“Can you take her?”

Your voice is hoarse, a mix of the lack of sleep and the headache you could feel incoming making you feel all the more tired. At first, you thought your words would go by without an answer, and with a huff, you sat up. Right as you were about to get out of the comfortable bed and attend to your needy infant, Kenny shuffled from beside you.

With one hand he gently pushed your body down, and with the other, he rubbed at his sleepy eyes. You didn’t argue, instead letting his hand lay you down on the lulling mattress again. Carefully, he got up in an upright position and turned to your tired form.

“Go back to sleep baby, I got her,” Kenny promised, pecking your lips quickly before making his way to the crib.

A feeling of immense gratitude spreads around your body in the form of tingles. Watching your fiancé carefully wrap the loud child in his arms, and rock it back and forth made a little smile form on your face. It was in moments like these you thanked yourself for choosing the right man to bring a new life into the world with.

Kenny was the greatest father you could wish for your 2-month-old daughter. He handled her with such care and love and it was clear she felt comfortable with him. She didn’t have to say who her favorite was for you to know. But even if you joked about how it was unfair, seeing as you’d birthed her, you loved how attached your daughter was to her father. He deserved all the love.

Upon finding out that you were with a child after freshly turning 24, all of your dreams seemed to evaporate around you. You were wrapping up your last year at uni, and your life was the most chaotic it had ever been. Adding a pregnancy to that, how the hell were you supposed to get through?

Your family was quick to inform you of their support, and that they’d be there for anything you might need. While you appreciated their efforts, you were still not confident that it wouldn’t ruin your life. This was a child. Someone that would consume most of your time, need the most love. It wasn’t an easy decision, even if people were up for helping you with it from time to time

Kenny had been your boyfriend for a while when you dropped the bomb on him. You were ready for anything. Him leaving, getting angry, demanding for you to get an abortion. But instead, he pulled you into him, smiling from ear to ear.

“What are you smiling for?” You had asked him, feeling more at ease as his smile widened.

“What do you mean what am I smiling for, Y/n, we’re having a baby.” Kenny chuckled, shaking you gently in excitement. He was over the moon, jumping up and down til it suddenly dawned upon him. “As long as you want to though.”

That was the moment you knew that whatever happened with school, you’d have a caring man by your side to battle through it. Even in his exhilaration to have a child, he made sure that it was something you most and foremost wanted. It wasn’t something he had said with any specific intention, but even so, his words affected you in such a powerful way.

Your pregnancy had you testing new waters in both your relationship with Kenny, but also with yourself. While readying yourself mentally for the struggles you would face both in and after birth, you had plenty of time to sit back and think. The 9 months were nothing but pure torture. While you knew gaining weight and feeling weak was inevitable, you had not known to what extent. Besides the change in your body, your hormones were messing with your head badly. You lashed out, broke down, or was abnormally quiet and you hated yourself for it. The people around you stood beside you through it all, and whenever you did something, it always made you feel bad long after they’d forgotten about it. This stupid pregnancy was changing you, and you felt as though by the time it was over, you’d have no one in your corner anymore.

Kenny Ojuederie never left you alone for long tho. Through a period of 9 long months, you’d broken up with him, told him you never wanted to see him again and locked him out of your apartment… twice. But even with all these obstacles you were for sure would have made someone leave, Kenny continued to stand tall in his fight to be there for and with you. He loved you and your unborn child, and it would be a cold day in hell before he let hormones divide you.

Through his determination, you realized how much he loved you, and even more your love for him. He was your soulmate. There was no simpler way than explaining it as such.

…

‘’Should I give her the bottle now?’’ Gazing up from the food you were preparing, your eyes landed on your fiance’s unsure expression. He stood in his sweats, your daughter in his arms as he nodded towards the newly washed baby bottle on the counter. At closer inspection, you could see how tired she really was. The time wasn’t no more than 4 pm and her eyes were closing and opening.

You hesitate. ‘’It’s early.’’ She had woken up from her nap only 2 hours prior, and you knew that if the two of you let her sleep now, she wouldn’t even close her eyes tonight. ‘’She won’t be able to sleep at night’’

Kenny winces. ‘’Well, looks like you can’t sleep, princess’’ He smiles at her, raising her in his arms.

Smiling, you go back to making dinner, mixing the stir and adding spice now and then. Kenny continued to occupy the baby, playing with her as you made the food in peace. Just as you turned the stove off, the two of them appeared in the kitchen again.

‘’Looks like mommy is done with the food’’ You usually hated when people spoke to babies in that voice, but listening to Kenny had your mind wandering to a place of happiness. Missing your daughter, you gesture for him to give her, and he does so.

You hold her against your chest, smiling at her. Kenny watches you too with fondness, eyes sparkling and heart hammering against his chest. ‘’I love you’’ he randomly states, and before you have time to say something back, he kisses you.

You reciprocate his actions before pulling away and laying your head on his shoulder, baby secured between your bodies. ‘’I love you and our little family.’’

He cheeses, loving the sound of that. ‘’Our family. Fuck, say that again’’

You lean into his ear, a shit-eating grin resting on your lips. ‘’Our family… our family… our-’’ He wastes no time taking hold of your jaw and pressing your lips together for a second time. The kiss holds lust and passion, but most and foremost the purest and most genuine affection. Kenny kisses you like you’ve given him his life back, a reason to keep going. And while your lovesick mind can’t fully comprehend it yet, you truly have.

…

Tag list:

@p3drii , @jiusz , @n1kodl , @shuuuuush , @w1shes43 , @alltoowill0w , @slutforpablogavi , @enhacolor , @allygatcr , @romanlawkickingmyassrn , @randomhoex , @batmansb1tch , @jamespotterssidepiece , @Eatmybootyhair , @distantfromu

[doublydaring]

the great thing about gender is that you can do anything at any time and there's absolutely no way to be yourself incorrectly. the point of life is trying things and seeing what makes you happy, and what makes you happy is probably going to change a lot! but also if it doesn't that's a learning experience too! sending love <3

first of all anon, bless your heart.

bizarre rant with way too much personal information below the cut. SORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY!

second, because at the ripe old age of zero years old i was a wise old sage with a level headed autism that put me perfectly at the intersection of considerate and above the petty worries of the world i have been telling forlorn transgenders this over the phone since day one (no joke someone I hadn't spoken to in five years called me up the other day to have me talk them through softening their transition, its okay to be nonbinary guys) but ack! sometimes its so hard to take your own advice.

I have gained some weight in the last year or so and I just can't seem to get over me looking ooooh just so slightly off, to me, like I feel like I don't look like myself. I don't know.

Testosterone's largest impact on my life was it's role as an appetite stimulant, before I started testosterone I lived in a constant state of nausea, and it basically cured me of that. It was huge instead of going to bed anxious every night that I was going to throw up I slept like a baby, it also helped me to start working through the main symptoms of my ARFID. I literally called it a miracle drug to so many people, it changed my life.

But! I don't know if I still want to be on it. It's been almost three years and I've suddenly started having problems with my dosage, I've been off and on it trying to figure things out and I don't know, it just got me thinking, what if I don't want to do this anymore.

I do look different than I used to, or at least I think I do. I feel like I don't look like myself. I don't know.

Part of me feels like I'm just giving up, because transitioning socially has been very difficult for me. Female terms feel comforting in their familiarity, masculine ones always feel deliberate and effortful. I want to be beautiful, I want to be desirable. Does going off testosterone simply represent a submission to societal pressure, to finally giving in and trying to be normal.

In my junior year of high school I had a crush on a blond man. I had no chance with him, he was tall and gorgeous and smart and rich and a senior and it just was not happening, but I sort of put a pause on my transition that year as I got to know him, and tried to be more feminine, more conventionally attractive. It didn't work. I am not that. I cannot be that. I can't! It is something that I am not capable of, it is something I have never been capable of. I feel like as soon as I hit puberty it was over for me. I got gross. And that's terrible, that's so terrible, that's a terrible thing to feel and a terrible way to think but I cannot help it because I feel like that is the input that I am receiving from the outside world. I just had this conversation with a couple of friends but it really is ethnic trauma. My mother got a nose job at 14 and extensive laser hair removal to dull her ethnic traits, traits that she then passed on to me, traits that were amplified by my dad's genetics, traits that she implicitly taught me were ugly and undesirable and needed to be changed. And then I had the nerve to be autistic too, pick a struggle, really.

WHATEVER basically I am fucking fiending for sexual validation from cis men that I am too cowardly to actually go out and get so instead I'm just going to bitch and moan on here. I am not going to detransition because their is nothing to detransition back to, I was never a girl, but so much of me wishes I could be, I want more desperately than anything to be a beautiful and desirable woman. I thought because I couldn't cut it as a girl I should try being a boy but I don't know, it feels unnatural. A bitch needs to get on estrogen or SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lullabyalikpoptarot]

Stray Kids Dynamics (Lee Know's Perspective)

Okay, on to the next member of Stray Kids perspective, we'll see what he has to say about the members, or what I get.

Bang Chan (Instinct/10 of Wands) The first thing I got was that they run on instincts. There is a sense of a need to release a burden. I don't really understand this. Does he feel burdened by Bang Chan, or does he see him as having burdens? It is like his instincts are to carry the burden, or he feels the need to carry it. I feel this is talking more about Bang Chan. Not going to lie, it is hard to get messages out of this dude. Got to sit with this more than normally. He carries the weight on his shoulders. Okay, I am not getting much about a dynamic here, moving on. He's just sharing his thoughts on him, which is fine.

Changbin (Wisdom/Ace of Pentacles) I feel like these will be talking about how he feels about them, anyway. He sees Changbin as very wise, smart, a man of his word, not sure why that popped up. He makes good decisions when it comes to money, finances and opportunities. He is like an old soul. He might also give good advice about money to him. They may discuss ways to make money and gain opportunities together. He seems as someone with strong intuition and just knows what is right for him. He may learn a lot from him. Well, I felt this one was a bit easier to get messages from.

Hyunjin (Heal/8 of Wands) The healed card did show up in reversed and I feel like that means something, so maybe something isn't healed yet, now is it Hyunjin he doesn't see as healed or the relationship. I hear both. There seems to be a lot of movement and changes around this dynamic. They might not have time to sit and work through things. Bruh, the saying, work through your sh** came up again lol Ugh these idols, that has to be a saying they all have. It just seems like they are all over the place right now to solve any issues they may have.

Han (Disguise/Knight of Pentacles) I am getting he is a man of disguise, a facade. He adapts, he changes. Now with the knight of pentacles, that is a man of consistency, so I asked what that meant, because you can't have them both, but it is like he is consistent with how he acts. He is steadfast, goal-oriented, focused on the coin. This seems more about him, but I can say this dynamic is consistent, steadily moving forward, slowly, but surely. I hear, you don't know what you get. These messages are weird. I am not sure what I am picking up on here, his energy is not strong at all. I am guessing most of this.

Felix (Consume/Queen of Pentacles) Okay, this is weird what I am getting, ugh, not sure I want to say this, but he may see him as pampered and takes a lot, maybe from him. The consume card is represented by a vulture, which is someone who takes the scraps, but I see it as taking any opportunity possible. Now he could be very nurturing and giving. He sees him as abundant and kind. He seems like he is happy with anything he gets. They may help each other from time to time, or nurture each other by giving to each other. I don't really think he sees him as selfish or greedy, because QOP does not give me that. I will stop with that.

Seungmin (Memory/2 of Wands) This bond seems nice. It sees they vibe well together, they see eye to eye, they learn from each other. They may have good memories of the world tour or traveling together. It is like he has fond memories with him. It is a lot they want to learn together and build memories together.

I.N(Grow/9 of Wands) This bond may need to develop and grow more. It seems there are boundaries here, they both may have their guard up, and not trust another, or one does not. It is like it is hard for either of them to be vulnerable or let go with one another. they may walk on eggshells around one another, there is like defenses here,

Yeah, so not sure how accurate this is, now I say Tarot isn't 100 percent accurate, but when I get a flood of messages I can be confident there is some truth to what I am getting, but I barely got anything here, most is me guessing, he didn't give much, and I don't pry more than what the energy feels comfortable saying, so I will leave it at this, he definitely is not as chatty as Bang Chan's energy was lol

[wooahaes]

hii this is maybe a little random but i'm having a bit of a rough night and it got me wondering if you have any favorite comfort fics among the ones you have written (or read, for that matter, i'm just a sucker for your writing)

hi anon im really sorry this is late and i hope your night got a little bit better :( but i'll still throw some recs out!!

very very long, but [under the sun] itself always gives me comfort? something about the world just feels very cozy and i've heard from other people they consider it a comfort fic. i don't think you Have to read the initial parts to understand the individual parts (it gives world-building + reader gets dubbed 'mouse' there as a nickname that pops up throughout individual fics), but i personally think seokmin, jun and joshua have some of the more softer parts personally? jun's does have to deal with reader getting injured, so heads up for that.

i wrote the hyung line [comforting reader when they're upset] earlier this year. its very short and sweet, but it fits what you're looking for.

most recently, i had a maknae line fic [to be together (even when it's hard)] since i was going through a bad bout of depression and wanted the comfort.

there's also a full group drabbles post of comforting them which is kinda in the same vein, but its just a lot of [holding them].

this ones admittedly not very inclusive but on the off chance its what ur dealing with, i wrote a vernon fic while i was dealing with some accidental biphobia from a friend. everythings all good now, but i needed the comfort, so i expanded on a nonranghaes drabble i wrote and made it into [of your choosing].

[taste of love] isnt explicitly a comfort fic but its very comforting imo? its longer, but its a sweet jun fic that focuses on the connection that food can bring to people <3

[to heal together] is a jeonghan fic where its kinda mutual comfort

[to weather together] is another short fic for jun that involves comfort and cuddling and him supporting reader as they cry :0

[call on me] is a dino fic where he comforts fem!reader after her family forgets about the promise they made her

[i need an angel's hand] is a more personal comfort fic where cheol comforts fem!reader while she's dealing w fears of abandonment n so forth. its personal, but its out there for anyone who relates and needs it

for nonranthaes stuff: personal but cheol being there for reader when they decide to drop out of grad school

wonwoo comforting reader who is a victim of sexual assault

joshua holding reader as they cry

married fic of reader comforting cheol over weight gain that he's a little self conscious of

personal but vernon comforting reader who has an abusive parent

vernon fic where readers happy to have a loving relationship after having shitty ones in the past

jihoon listening to reader vent and being there for them

jun comforting reader after he finds them upset

lovey dovey soonyoung being patient and kind

in the same vein as the svt maknae line fic, there's a short 3racha fic [a little less daunting] that's also comfort.

there's a poly minsung fic [reassurance] that deals with reader getting comforted while they're dealing with some stress from work that impacts them in other places in their life.

this has a fem!reader since its from my bday fics this year, but [i'm just lonely, someone reach out and hold me] is a jisung fic where reader gets comforted after other ppl forgot her bday.

i feel like i have way more comfort on nonranghaes so:

platonic chris fic where he holds reader and comforts them

platonic chris fic where reader feels like they're 'behind' on life things

short felix fic where he's ready to comfort reader

lee know comforting reader during an anxiety attack

jisung comforting reader after someone accidentally made a comment that really hurt them at a party

lee know comforting reader while they have a bad headache

unfortunately i dont really have anything for trsr/golcha or mark lee (i havent written anything else for nct yet unfortunately skdfhsf so its just. mark.)

fic recs!!! for stuff from the same author i'll @ them once and do a little ^^ to mean its from the same writer <3

@jinkoh reader drops an egg and vernon comforts them. very cute, can confirm <3

^^ ex-boyfie wonwoo helping reader who is going through panic attack bc mans would come running i just KNOW it. very soft and sweet <3

@hoshologies's woozi fic w reader dealing with mental health problems and jihoon helping/comforting them. very very tender <3

my beloved livvie @husbandhannie's jeonghan fic where reader is in a toxic work environment

my beloved savv @savventeen's cheol drabble about reader feeling safe w cheol

i truly need to read a lot more tbf but all of these come from my recs tag!! most of what i read is pure fluff imo but these are the more comforty ones <3

i hope this helps!! sorry again for getting to this late anon :( <3 my sleep schedule is thrown out of wack bc of thanksgiving unfortunately...

[goat-guy-tm]

Out of all characters in mcd, I'd say the one that changed the most for my rewrote would have to be garroth. Name change that I gave him aside, there is a lot I did to him.

>hey so, writting this after I finished this post, idk how many words is in this but I think it's over 3k maybe, I spent three days writing this, it's so much longer than I expected, but um if you want a sudden deep dive and entire life story of my rewrite Garroth, HERE IT FUCKING IS!!

I will also let you know, because some ppl will probably be confused about it; Claire was a character in Jess's FNAF roleplay series, she was Aphmau's sister and I am SO UPSET that she was not carried into mys, albeit her and Aphmau had a strained yet still close relationship, she should have been there. So, I include her in ever rewrite I do, including my mys one. But yeah, when you see her mentioned that's why and who she is ♡

◇

◇

Garroth was never happy in Ok'hasis. He never would have been. His whole life he stood there, staring at that damn statue.

A man, standing tall, clad in armor that made him seem so much bigger than he was. Sword, shethed into the stone beneath him, helmet in one hand, other rested on the hilt of the sword.

Esmund Ro'Meave.

Eveyone, Irene-damn everyone told him day in and day out that Garroth was his spitting image. His passion, his looks, his strength. When rumors of Divine Reincarnations murmured through Ru'aun, Garroth was put at the center of it. He was related to one by blood, he looked like him perfectly, so why wouldn't he be?

Garroth wanted nothing to do with that man. A self proclaimed hero, no matter the horrid things he did, the pain he left behind him to carve a path for the Divine in a world they weren't welcome. Were HE wasn't welcome.

Every day his father would drag him around the castle, day in day out, history lessons, fighting lessons, etiquette lessons, never a break.

That statue made him sick. Esmund, stood proud and tall in the court yard, one replica sitting in Ok'hasis's center. No where he went he was haunted by him. It was mocking him. HE was mocking him.

It took weeks of convincing, but eventually Jeffory had agreeded to help him do it, help him fake his death. The guard gained nothing from it. If anything he was putting his own life in more danger than he would ever know.

The first thing he did when he escaped was cut his hair. He couldn't stand it anymore. The bullshit Ok'hasian tradition of 'perfect' hair. His father's had been to the floor, his mother's close. The cute had been uneven, he had nicked himself a little, but the freedom he felt, the weight he felt lift from his chest when he gazed in the river, he nearly cried.

He ran. He knew the guard academy was always open to 'run aways'. Just give them a name and they'd let you in.

Garroth Ro'Meave didn't exist anymore.

Lucian Ciro was the newest trainee in the Ru'aunian Guard Academy.

The years passed like nothing. Finally he felt more than he had in so long. When he graduated, Lucian joined a band of travlers, acting as a guard for them for a while until they had been approached by an old woman one day. She had silver hair, and wore a purple headcovering.

She spoke with a wisdom Lucian only wished to ever know. She asked him for his services. To help her travel across Ru'aun as she was carrying a very important relic of sorts on her person and needed a personal guard.

It would have been dumb to say no, so of course Lucian joined her. The woman, Hyria quickly made her intentions known. She told him she knew who he was. The Lucian Ciro was never a Ru'aunian man, that Garroth Ro'Meave never died that day. Lucian had asked her what she intended to do with that information. She told him nothing, she had no reason to share it with anyone, but he deserved to know that someone understood, that someone knew his story.

After days on fhe road, Hyria told him she was a witch, a witch heavy beyond his years. That she had lived amongst the divine themselves. Lucian didn't believe her at first. She told him she had asked for him specifically to protect her through Ru'aun, that she knew he was meant to be someone important to Ru'aun history. That like her, his soul was closely tied to the Divine, yet not in the way he thought it was.

The Sacred Woods had scared him at first. Now a days Lucian could find his way through them blindfolded. Hyria had shown him the relic. That of Esmund the Divine King. She told him it was about that time. That the new reincarnation of Esmund come about.

A wave of relief had washed over Lucian in that moment. He wasn't that man, he wasn't what everyone egged him to be.

It was a clearing, Lucian would come to know this clearing well.

There were already some people there, gathered in some kind of semi circle.

A mountian of a man, long hair, body and face covered by a long cloak, wolf ears poking through the opening of it. A werewolf no doubt, Lucian had hear folk stories of them, but had never met on in the flesh, or, well, fur.

The man had two women with him, at least the first time Lucian had met them it was two, at some point it became three, he couldn't recall when it changed.

One was shorter, she had black hair and was dressed well. How he recalled many wives of lords dressed, but almost, more humble? There was something about her that was warm, and simple in the best ways.

Then there was the mifwa, with lavander hair and olive green eyes. She scared Lucian a little. She held herself quite strong, claws at the ready almost the whole time.

The third woman was a werewolf as well. She didn't seem too out of place, save for her starkingly contrasting clothing, all in blacks and reds.

He would learn this was Aaron Lucaine, decendent of Drae'lic (Shad), the Divine Destroyer, and the woman accompanying him were his wives.

There was a woman around Lucian's age. Her hair was like fire, billowing behind her even when it seemed there was no wind around them. Red eyes that stab right through him, but she smiled at him so nicely. Lucinda, Hyria's daughter, and a reincarnation of Menphina the Divine Protector.

An erie man who's hair and skin were white as snow, unnaturally so. Eyes a piercing green with large, purple and black horns sprouting from his head. His fingers were tipped with claws, his hands having a balck gradient to them, while his face was noteably covered by ever changing blobs of purple hued black staining. Travis Valkrum, decendent of Enki the Divine Keeper, and son to a demon. Apparently the man wanted little to do with the other's and the divine, but he had a ancestor to please.

And finally, a man who seemed, while not the tallest amongst all of them, something was off about how tall he was. Like he wasn't properly proportioned, his arms seemed to be too long, or maybe his torso. Half his body was covered in this large scaring that was completely black. Like a void. His eye on that side was burned shut, but it seemed like something below the eyelid was glowing. He was leaned against a tree, seemingly asleep somehow. Modzilla. A very, strange name for a man Lucian would think, but Hyria would simple joke that Modzilla was from very far away, a realm not of their own.

He would come to learn this ritual of sorts needed all the divine relics present, thus why those who possesed one had to be there.

Because of this, there became small treaties of peace between the people of Travis' group, Falcon Claw, the Witches of Ru'aun and what Modzilla refered to as 'Realm Hoppers'. Later, this treaty would extend to Phoenix Drop.

That night would change Lucian's life forever, in the best of ways. While Hyria infirmed him a divine could come from a relic at any age, for some reason Esmund's emerged as a baby, shocking almost all of those around the circle. Lucian was, astonished to say the least. Hyria told them she had assumptions as why the relic would chose to start from scratch, and to that Modzilla had simply scoffed out a laugh, Travis stating that Enki would find great amusment in this.

Lucian though, was stuck in amazment at the small child Hyria held. He had know of children born from magic, that it was something only very skilled witches were capable of, and those who wanted a magic born child had to pay a heafty amount for one. It was nearly a taboo, so of course this little one amazed him.

Hyria held him out, almost in offering, asking who wanted to take up the job of raising this one. Everyone was silent, looking down at the child nervously.

Aaron said they already had a child, but didn't want to be overwhelmed with a relic baby while trying to already raise a toddler.

Modzilla said he was busy with his research and own son, which Lucian would later learn was just a carbon clone of Modzilla.

Lucinda just laughed at her mother when Hyria, albeit jokingly, held the baby out to her.

Travis said it wouldn't be a great idea the raise another divine right in front of Enki himself. Unbeknownst to Lucian at the time, Enki in a way was still alive. Set in some kind of permenant stasis sleep on he Enki Warrior Tribe island, somewhere deep in the island and away from the usual common folk.

When Hyria sighed and was about to accept the idea of having to raise another little divine, Lucian spoke up, fumbling through his words but saying he could do it, or well, help. Hyria smiled at him, gebtly holding out the baby and handing it to him.

Lucian took him, unexperienced as he was, and looked down at the little one. He had a mop of these dull yet deep red curls, they already looked unruly.

He looked at Hyria, nervous but almost giddy in a way. He asked what the kid would be named and Hyria said he could name him whatever he wanted. Lucian asked if he wouldn't just be named Esmund, and Hyria laughed, asking if anyone in this circle was just named after their divine ancestor, and everyone seemed to take a humor to that.

Lucian thought for a moment, before nodding and looking down at the baby.

"Zenix. It was the name of a late friend of mine from the guard academy."

"Zenix, a nice name." Hyria said, taking a extra head covering from the bag Lucian wore, and wrapping the bab in it before handing him back to Lucian.

After that night, Lucian stuck with Hyria and Lucinda while they returned to the two's home just outside of Pikoro Village. He stayed there for a few years, slowly raising Zenix as he grew and acting as a guard for the two witches. In return, Hyria started teaching him magics. It started when Zenix, the rambunctious two year old he was, running around the cabin when he learned how to walk, had fallen over a table and got a good gnash on his leg from it. It started with simple healing magics, Hyria showing him how to on Zenix when the toddler got small injuries.

When Zenix was 7, Lucian decided it was time for them to leave. Lord Luke of Pikoro, on one of his many visits into the Sacred Forest, had informed them of a new town being established just across the coast of Bright Port that was looking for more prople, especially guards. Of course Hyria got defensive, asking her husband if he was trying to steal her guard from her, and Lord Luke joked that he would never, but he couldn't imagine Lucian was simply happy staying cooped in this cabin with a young child.

While he was upset to leave, Lucian promised both Zenix and Hyria that they would be back, they would visit when possible and Hyria would be more than welcome to visit them. Hyria told he'd have to come back at some point, since there was still one more relic to wake, and he would need to bring Zenix.

After their goodbyes, Lucian and Zenix set out for this little town. If he thought raising a 7 year old was tough, travling with one was worse. Lucian had done his fair share of travling, but Zenix made it more interesting, and stressful to say the least. Lucian had lost count of how many wild critters the child had picked up and begged his father to take with them.

Phoenix Drop was, small to say the least. Lord Malik welcomed them with open arms, and was even estatic when Lucian inquired about guard positions.

Years went by easy and calm for the most part. Lord Malik had announced his wife Matilda was pregnant and it was a whole celebration amongst the village.

The joy in the village was cut short only days later, as the village was attacked by a band of Shadow Knights. Lord Malik was slaughtered in the town center, Lady Matilda running away with the help of a few villagers by Lucian's orders.

While trying to calm and distribute the panicking villagers, a band of Shadow Knights had kidnapped Zenix, holding as some kind of ransome while demanding they be given Lady Matilda. When Lucian refused, the shadows killed Zenix, without a second thought. Lucian isn't proud of that night, but anyone who was there and saw what happened don't blame him.

All he had seen was red, and made a near massacre of the small army of Shadow Knights himself.

Lucian sat there, holding his son's body and he wept. He apologized, he prayed, he BEGGED, he did everything he could to plead with the powers abobe to bring his boy back. He was only 10, he was dreaming of joing the junior guard courses Dale had started. He told everyone in the village how he wanted to be jist like his dad.

The first time Lucian had ever been to the Nether was not a fun one. He had gone through a broken man, slaughtering and Shadow Knight that had stood in his path. He had heard some of them brag of how proud their lord was that they managed to snag a divine as a new sacrifices.

He searched that whole palace, leaving not a room unturned for his son. When he eventually found Zenix and a few other unlucky souls of those from Phoenix Drop who he couldn't have saved, he let them all out. He held Zenix the whole time, the young boy not letting his father go for a second.

Getting used to being Shadow Knights was, tough for Zenix and the others. Phoenix Drop became one of the only towns openly letting refugee Shadow Knights seek peace from the Nether.

When the time came to demolish Malik's house, it was a somber day. Lucian had Brendon and Dale assisting him, as Zenix was still recovering from his Nether-caused wounds. Breaking into the basement was not difficult, he had found a key burried by the roots of a young tree. What he found down there though astonished him.

Mailk's desk held a few journls and books, but next to it rested a perch of sorts, similar to the ones the falconry in Ok'hasis had, but atop the perch was not a falcon or owl, or any bird kept by anyone, but instead it was an elegant phoenix. Firey feathers emiting their own light, weakly chirping at Lucian as he approached it. He held his hand out nervously, and the bird rubbed against it. It was warm, but it didn't burn like Lucian thought it might. It was weak, no doubt from being stuck in a basement for weeks if not months at this point.

While it made little to no noise, it seemed to be talking to Lucian directly, a voice he couldn't describe speaking in his mind. It told him of it's agreement with Malik, asking where he was, which Lucian somberly informed the creature that he had been executed by a band of Shadow Knights. The bird said it made sense now why it was becoming weak. When one who made a pact with a phoenic, traversing to another realm breaks the pact, thus Malik's death and quick sacrifices into the Nether broke the tie the two had. The phoenix than began to basically beg Lucian to make one with it. Statong that without on the phoenix would not be able to stay in this realm, that it needed the anchor of a mortal to stay. Lucian asked what he would have to do in return for the phoenix, and the creatue told him that he simply needed to be a good man, to care for it and those around him and give it this tie to the realm.

The few years after the raid on Pjoenix Drop, Lucian stepped up from head guard to lord, quickly overachieving in his position and promise to the people of Phoenix Drop. Going to those anual lord councils was something else. Having to face his father for the first time in nearly 20 years almost made him sick. One the bright side, the man never seemed to recongnize him.

Meeting Laurence for the first time felt like a magical moment for him. His second year as lord, he met the man at the year's annual council. Being the Lord of Meteli's son, Laurence was invited to attend. When Lucian asked why he hadn't met him the year prior, Laurence said he simply hadn't wanted to come, but he was glad he did this year if he got to meet Lucian. Their relationship got pretty intense from there. While they only got to meet during lord meetings, they quickly took a liking to each other, sneaking away at times to be together. Not that it was forbidden or anything, but Laurence always said he'd be embarassed if his sister caught him messing around with the lord of another village. Plus it would start some rumors if others learned a lord's son was getting into it with another lord.

The summons from Hyria came just a few years later, Garroth was 31, Zenix was 15, and they were headed into the Sacred Forest with the special announcment that Irene's relic was finally ready. This was special to everyone. Irene was THE deal.

Everyone gave the same pleasantries, many of them fawning and cooing over the now teen Zenix as many had only seen him as a baby. Lily in particular, Aaron's first wife, took quite an adoration to him, giving him a long hug. Lucian cringed, knowing she had taken it quite rough when her own son had died.

The procedure happened just like Zenix's, yet, there was something strange about Irene's relic. The last time Lucian had seen it, it was albeit smaller than he had expected, but now it was fractured into three pieces. Hyria stated that that morning it had seemingly split on it's own, and she had no clue why.

When the relic formed into what they all assumed would be someone, it instead took three different forms, which shocked them all, more than a baby Zenix had.

All three of them were adults, yet one seemed older than the other two.

A woman with brown hair that looked almost greying with how dull it was, a shorter woman with jet black hair, and a man slightly taller than the second but shorter than the first with black hair as well but sporting a pair of wolf ears atop his head. All three wore these flowy white clothing, which Hyria would say was similar to what Irene would usually wear.

For a moment they all seemed unconscious, until they slowly woke up, dazed and confused by their sorroundings. Hyria walked up to the shorter woman, gently placing a headcovering around her hair and gingerly tieing it, muttering how Irene always seems to surprise her.

The shorter woman touched the cloth around her hair, seeming to accept it pretty easily. Hyria grimiced at the taller woman, saying sorry to her, that she didn't think there would be three of them and thus she didn't have another covering. The taller woman didn't seem to mind, but did nervously mess with her hair a little.

Hyria turned to the werewolf one, smiling at him, stating how he surprised her the most though.

The three nervously introduced themselves, already seeming to have names unlike Zenix. Hyria would later tell Lucian that it made sense since Zenix was a newborn, vs these three who were already fully grown adults.

The taller one was Claire, the werewolf was Ein and the shortest one was Aphmau, which Lucinda pointed out was a very strange name, which got her a jab in the side from her mother.

While Hyria thought of simply releasing them wherever they may please, the three instead decided on another divine to go with, at least for a small amount of time. Hyria told everyone the three would most likely not remember this, as none of the other divine did.

Claire opted with going with Travis, stating she didn't inted to stay with him long, she just felt in her heart that going to Gal'Ruk would help her get somewhere else she was meant to be.

Ein asked Aaron if he could tag along until they come across a dock, also saying he felt he needed to be somewhere else as well. Aaron and his wives reluctantly agreeded. Maybe Ein going with the only other werewolves was a good idea.

Aphmau though, seemed lost, looking at the other divine nervously. Her eyes lingered on Modzilla for a moment, but the man shook his head, glaring at her. So instead, Lucian cleared his throat and smiled at her. He offered for her to stay in Phoenix Drop for the time being, until she figured out what she wanted, or more so, needed to do.

Aphmau agreeded, and they all dispersed. Zenix took to talking her ear off almost immediately, saying it was nice to have another divine around, and saying how coold hid dad was and how much she would love Phoenix Drop.

In his bones, Lucian felt the phoenix flutter about. The voice in his head taking a happy tone to it, twlling him it was good to have Irene back. Under his breath, he whispered that Aphmau is not Irene, only part of what the goddess used to be in her mortal days. The phoenix didn't seem to care, just happy to have it's first mortal somewhat back.

Lucian felt that the next stage of his life would be interesting, and by hell would he be correct.

[ox7g3n-th13f-001]

guess whos back ‼️‼️ ur fave edblr blogger is online bc finals ARE FINALLY FUCKING ALMOST OVERRR ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️I CANT EVRN EXPREDS HOW HAPPY I AM BUT AT THE SAME TIME I FEEL SO SOSO GROSS AND NASTY AND BLOATED 😟😟😟

ok so the past yr or so ive been like health wise in recovery, my weights gone back up to like low 90s, which ik seems like not a lot but im like 5ft2in. so the weight distribution is NAwt eating. ive been eating a lot more, which like bc my brain is functioning slightly better its been trying to rationalize BUT FUVK THAT

i used to be able to wrap my thumb and index almost up to my elbow and now i can barely get it halfway up my forearm like what fucking logic is this i gain like 10 pounds and the whole biome of my body suddenly loses it. i still have like a flat stomach for the most part, but i quit kickboxing last yr due to school being really far for me, but I LOST MY ABS AND MUSCLE DEFINITION😭😭 i also got that uterus pooch back and my brain is like fucked over because im on my period AND ANOTHER THING my periods are back like theybhave been back and they are BEING REGULAR which is even worse bc it means my body is like acting like it was pre ana 😟😟😟 like all my progress is just gone all bc some ginger doctor decided to tell my mom to give me boost 3 times a day like wtf

an e ways im officially gonna start running this blog again🤓☝️☝️ ive gained a lot of followers, which omg i didnt even know there were that many of us on tumblr small world and all that shit, but genuinely, i hope all of us get better not just physically but mentally, when we are ready to. i just want to clarify, i am NOT promoting anything on this blog. this is my PERSONAL OUTLET and i have clear warnings on it like everywhere. i am not responsible for any actions you take, but i am here to help if anyone needs to talk. as long as you arent being a fucking weirdo, my dms are open, im p sure my ask box is open if u wanna be anonymous, and pls if you think you need serious help, talk to someone that is a trusted figure in your life that you think can get you the help you need.

[channiebelly]

Ok so I don’t really have a specific idea I just really want a fluffy fic with chubby maknae line please 🙇

I love this. I hope you enjoy!

Ship: poly!maknae line

Word count: .7k

"Do you want to see what I bought?" Chan asks as he walks in the apartment after his shopping trip. Seungkwan and Vernon are sitting on the couch watching something on the TV.

"We'd love to,' Seungkwan says. He looks perfectly relaxed, lounged back with his hands settled on his heavy belly. Vernon is next to him, with his knees pulled up to his chest and his chin resting on them.

"One second," Chan says and he scurries into the bedroom.

He quickly changes into the soft green knit sweater he had bought earlier that day and then admires himself in the mirror. It's not tight, but it still clings to and highlights the shape of his body. It shows off the rounded shape of his prominent belly, and his developing moobs that aren't yet at the point of resting on the shelf of his stomach. When he turns around it shows off the exaggerated curve of his spine that developed to compensate for the weight of his steadily growing belly. He thinks he looks really good.

For Chan, gaining was a relatively new thing. He had only started in the last six months. Seungkwan used to be the gainer in their relationship, but he had reached a point where he was happy with his body and no longer wanted to grow anymore. Vernon and Chan were completely okay with that, but they missed the closeness that stuffing Seungkwan and helping him gain had brought them. So, Chan had suggested that he start gaining. He was loving it way more than he thought he would.

It was comfortable, and he liked the way it changed the way he moved in the world. He understood now why Seungkwan had to walk so slow and why he was so unwilling to stand up if he didn't need to. Chan had recently got to the point where he could no longer comfortably sleep on his back. Changes like that thrilled him. He'd always thought bigger bodies were hot, but having it happen to him was even better.

Chan smooths his hands down his front and steps out of the bedroom.

"What do you think?" Chan asks.

Seungkwan and Vernon are just staring at him.

"You look incredible," Vernon says. "Fucking hell."

"We can't let you out of the house wearing that," Seungkwan says.

Vernon stands up and walks towards Chan, stopping when their fronts are pressed against each other; Chan's rounded belly and the soft muffin top of Vernon's stomach. Vernon's hands grip Chan's hips.

"I think you're the sexiest person I've ever seen," he says.

Chan blushes a deep red.

"Come here, Channie, I want to take a better look," Seungkwan says.

Vernon reluctantly lets go and Chan walks over to stand right in front of Seungkwan.

"Stand side on," he demands and Chan complies. "Fuck, you're getting so big. You're so hot."

"I am starting to feel a little objectified here," Chan says.

"You are also very beautiful," Seungkwan says. "But you can't blame us for focussing on your body when you look this good."

"Sit with us," Vernon says. He goes back to his seat on the couch and spreads his legs for Chan to sit between. When Chan had first started gaining, he had been worried about hurting Vernon when they sat in this position, but Vernon had insisted that he would be fine and that he liked it. Now, it was one of their favourite ways to relax.

Chan sits and Vernon's hands take their place on Chan's belly, rubbing soothing circles into it.

"Have you already eaten?" Vernon asks.

The fact that Vernon can feel the fullness of his belly from the food court burger he'd had earlier sends a rush of embarrassment through Chan. "Yeah. If I want to catch up to Seungkwan, I need to eat a lot."

"Good job baby," Vernon says and he leans down to plant a kiss on Chan's cheek. "Dinner will be ready soon."

Chan sinks into the feeling of comfort. Here he is with two boyfriends who love him and think he's beautiful and sexy. He's pleasantly full and going to eat more later, and his body is steadily developing into what he'd always wanted. He couldn't be happier.