#also I made this yesterday and had an existential crisis

[rainofthetwilight]

while I work on some thingies, here have lloyd in his leaked s2 gi

im not proud of this that much but I haven't posted actual art in a while so have this green boy

[pilonciillo]

[c1oud999]

hi

i just wanted to come on here and talk about my experience with spirituality. warning: longggg post ahead.

basically ive been in the spiritual community for YEARS now. ive had existential crisis since the age of 11 and ive gone through many phases of many different spiritual trends. from law of attraction, to witchcraft, to religious devotion, to law of assumption and now finally non dualism. i read books, meditated for hours and hours, talked to spiritual ppl from all walks of life and watched all the episodes of ganga upanishad (a show i still highly recommend, you can watch on youtube). all this childhood trauma and mental illness made me crave for sweet relief. but nothing really made sense until law of assumption. i thought that that would be it yk. i thought i was done searching but i think that was when i was searching for things the most. i do know i have it in my 4d, when will i see it? i thought i would get all my desires but did not meet success. and then the non dualism trend began and i hopped onto it like pretty much everyone else. i was bewildered at the stuff teachers kept saying. what do you mean everything's an illusion? there's no way that's true. my very real surroundings are causing me VERY real pain and suffering. oh no no there must be a deeper meaning behind all this. and so i read all the books in 4dbarbies drive, but nothing clicked. yes it made sense intellectually, but i didnt want to believe it bc where is the materialisation satisfaction here? also i felt none of the euphoria that was supposed to come with self realisation. which means i must not be a realised being. and then i cried and cried and cried, isolated myself, literally stopped going to school and just lay in bed all day. but ofc, i continued to read the tumblr posts like i had been doing for the past several years. and yesterday i read 4dkelly's post about giving up. it made sense. by the time i had finished reading the post i had truly given up on everything. on wanting, hoping, fearing, striving etc etc. i was SO tired. so i gave up. fell asleep. i woke up really late as usual and missed the school bus. i ate breakfast in silence, switched the tv on and lied down on the couch like always. and like always out of compulsion and force of habit i reached for my phone and looked up non dualism on twitter. and then i came across a tweet that said a simple sentence only- "nothing is ever actually happening." woah. that kinda drove me to the edge of the cliff i desperately wanted to jump off. i turned on some dnb background music and turned the shower on. i stood under the boiling hot water like some dramatic bitch and started piecing together the "puzzle". it all made so much sense now. i got out of the shower and left the house for the first time in months with a cute outfit and makeup on and everything. i went to the mall, bought candles, stickers, eye masks, coffee, and a doughnut with absolutely no social anxiety at all. i sat by window, read some poetry on my e-reader, cried, peered down at the floor below me and cried some more at the sight of little kids sitting on santa's lap and taking pictures and marveled at all the christmas decorations around me. it was insane. i decided i was going to be neutral towards everything but im in love. maddeningly so. in love with this dream that i thought did not love me back. but love is all there is. I AM ALL THERE IS. and i need you to take this literally. there is nothing happening. there is nothing here except you. nothing to fear, nothing to desire. ik a lot of people are going to dismiss this post because it's not a "materialisation success story" but i honestly dont think i can ever want anything physically bc in all its true essence, what is there to materialise? i am already whole and complete. i am lying on this cold hard floor, but i have never felt warmer. also ik there may be a lot of things ive written you might not agree with but again, this is NOT REAL. I AM. i hope this post helps you.

thank you to all the blogs ive come across and all the pointers they have shared: @se1f @realisophie @itgomyway @4dkellysworld @4dbarbie-backup @infiniteko @iamthat-iam and many more i cannot thank enough.

lots and lots of love (more than you can ever imagine), and good luck.

[chronicallyonlinewriter]

This was a weird experience, so I just wanted to write it out somewhere.

I got tattooed yesterday. That in itself is not weird; I love tattoos, have many, and am no stranger to long sessions and the pain that comes with them. This tattoo was on a whole other level, though. We blasted my entire elbow with color, to connect two larger pieces making up my sleeve. If you have never gotten your elbow tattooed, 0/10, terrible experience, do not recommend. But whatever, beauty is pain, love the design, and the tattoo artist is a friend of mine (who is also related to me by marriage, via my spouse). We spent a good four hours just torturing me, then we finished, and everything was fine. It's normal to feel shaky after multi-hour sessions, so I didn't think much about being kind of out of sorts. After we finished I even walked to the upstairs of the shop to chat with the two girls working up there, then walked back downstairs, and then my artist had me stand still in her room so she could take some photos of the tattoo.

I remember standing there and thinking, "Oh, I feel weird. Oh, I feel really weird - oh, I might actually be about to pass out, I should say something to her." And then I woke up. I opened my eyes, and was staring at the ceiling. I didn't know where I was, I did not recognize my friend (who was standing over me telling me, "It's okay! You're okay! But you passed out and you hit your head - don't move!") but for some reason my brain was convinced that I was in a restaurant, being attended to by a stranger. And my brain also convinced me that this was real life: I was in an unfamiliar restaurant, with no idea how I got there. In my head, my actual, real life was only a dream, and it was one I was waking up from. Everything I had experienced in my life - my family, my job, my marriage, my friend, my hobbies, my goals and my interests - never actually happened to me, and therefore I could never go back to those things and those people that I loved. And in that moment I was struck with a terror so momentous, and a grief that was so profound, that it was like I couldn't breathe. It was absolutely something that altered me as a human being. Slowly, it did all come back. Everything eventually clicked - I remembered where I was, who my friend was, I recognized the other girls who ran downstairs to help me out. I was very shaky, but I was okay. I vaguely remember sitting on the floor while my friend called my husband to come get me - and then it was like my body caught up to the grief that my mind had conjured, and then I started sobbing, like some weird delayed reaction (which wasn't embarrassing at all). My husband came and got me, brought me home, made me dinner, and eventually we went to bed. It's strange, that those lingering feelings of grief are still with me today. And I feel very odd in general (I have an autoimmune disease that always flares up after I get a tattoo, and I have to think that at least some of this is because of that.) So yeah. Tl;dr: elbow tattoos fucking suck, and I passed out in a tattoo studio and gave myself an existential crisis, which was not very punk-rock, black-clad, tattooed maneater of me.

[icharchivist]

DGM 248 spoilery thoughts:

(link to the chapter there)

-There's something so soft and intimate about all of them naping together it makes me want to cry

-Allen sleeping with the jar is so upsetting :(

-"haha yeah Allen! Go stay hydrated! this is what you deserve king! .... something is going to go wrong."

-AND WHAT A THING. HELLO NEA? ITS BEEN A WHILE.

-NEA YOU CANT SAY THAT TO PEOPLE

-World's most adorable and annoying parasite.

-Man Nea is REALLY MAD Allen forgot about him. But he is really being a bitch about it :sob:

-Also Nea REALLY doesn't want Allen to go to the Campbell Mansion? I hope it doesn't discourage Allen since it's our only clue as to bring Lavi back in the story since it's the only place that seems to hold answers. But if anything that just makes the mansion even more suspicious to hold actual answers.

-EXCUSE ME EXCUSE ME EXCU???? HAS ALLEN NOT BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH PEOPLE USING HIM

-first this page absolutely slaps, it looks gorgeous

-Second, that's good Allen knows about it now, i kinda. forgot he wasn't aware of it yet

-but third: Nea and the WORST WAYS to inform someone they should start having an identity crisis.

-He's SOOO petty about the fact Allen gave himself to him, then forgot about him, and now is actively working against him. Fucking blows man.

-So like does Allen have to expect Nea to pop up from any mirrors to give him existential crisis at all time. poor lad.

-Allen you were doing such a good job at finally opening up to the people around you and not lying and faking a smile to pretend that everything was alright while nothing is. Sweetie you had made progress like, yesterday night. Please. Don't lie now. especially when Nea told you something super important that everyone could try to learn about.

Esp since you have Kanda with you right now like *grabs his shoulders* how about you talk with mister "was forcefully reincarnated in a new body without my memories" when the man inside of you tells you you've been reincarnated in a new body without your memories, but out of your own free will. Allen. Allen.......

I mean i know why he does that, Allen always takes everything upon himself and all but :( god this is so sad, he was making progress and Nea just came along and ruined everything again.

im in shamble.

Anyway it was a great chapter reminding us of the threat Nea has and how difficult the whole thing is emotionally speaking for Allen.

Damn all i wanted was him to be hydrated and now he has yet another identity crisis :( this guy never wins.

Chapter was gorgeous also. A wonderful read. thank you Hoshino-sensei. And thank you to Kougeki scans as always!

[tailoredshirt]

Welp, I'm not sure I was in my right mind when I made this decision, but I adopted two kittens on Saturday.

They are about 8 months old, which was younger than I wanted, but I guess they'll keep me on my toes for a while. They were born two weeks apart, but maybe had the same dad, and they were fostered together, so they are basically sisters. Their foster mom was happy I was keeping them together. How do you separate kitties that take cute little naps together??

I haven't decided on names yet. One of them (white chest/chin/feet) is scared of loud noises and sudden movements, but she's a snuggle bunny who sleeps on my body pillow next to my stomach. And if I'm sitting in bed she'll come flop into my lap. She spent the first five hours hiding behind the toilet, then under the bed, and suddenly I looked down and saw this face:

The other one is very quick and curious and into EVERYTHING. She is such a mess. She loves to carry her feather toy around the house like a bird she's killed.

Yesterday afternoon I had a minor existential crisis where I was convinced I'd made the wrong decision and shouldn't have gotten a cat yet, much less KITTENS. I miss Lily so so much. It is exciting having new cats, but I miss the certainty of coming home to a cat whose habits I know by heart. There was so much comfort in knowing what her meows meant and how she liked to be pet. And yesterday I thought that I'd made a big mistake and that I'm not ready for a cat who's not Lily. And honestly, I'm not ready! But these are pretty cute mistakes and I know that we'll be happy together.

(Also, my apartment is soooo not kitten proof. Too many trinkets.)

[kuromipuzzles2000]

i am so sleepy...my insomnia is going to kill me, also my low humor, at this point how much i relate to my tv headed husband on facts of feel no one likes my work for real, dedicating myself to be forced to do art, for feel someone in society, because if posting once piece of art at night/day i barely get remembered, now imagine if i take days even a week just for take a rest

....i had a mental breakdown as i worked at Mr. 4's past, i was crying because my boyfriend every night he feels so alone because i disappear to art, to do something for you all who no even care to remember me, i am nobody's favorite, i would never be at least a bit recognized, i hate people on my past had point me out as the best doing what i loved back fhen when i was a child, because my ego was feed up, now i am here thinking i should be one of the bests when i BARELY even get a FUCKING RESHARE ONE since my best friend leaved me i no thought of nothing, i thought everything was lost, i even for a few months lost the motivation for draw, barely drawing anything, till i saw Mr. Puzzles and...decided start off first with my Swap AU...got a bit of people...then came Trickster Mr. Puzzles, gosh...how much people loved him...they expected a lot, i felt for a moment that he was a salvation...then just started decaying again...and i was on a existential crisis, thinking Swap AU was so hated because of Swap Puzzl3...i created GOP!Mr. Puzzles...yet even if GOP!Mr. Puzzles isn't touched much, he got a bit more of attention on his creation time, gee even he has an AU being an AU...and then Trivia...idk why i feel he just made me fall again...idk, but since he came just i started get...being ghosted...idk if i am shadow banned...idk if i am a joke to you all, who can play with my feelings and my hopes of fit on society....but...i just want feel loved...i no have friends irl...no friends online more than my boyfriend that got a job and responsibility so he even if tries so hard, sometimes is off for so long...

i just feel so alone...i want be a fit to this community...i feel so superior...and yesterday my boyfriend said he felt so alone on nights because i take long on drawing made me just snap into pieces seeing no matter how hard i work...i would never be...enough...loved...anyone's "favorite" ...i want stop everything now...but when i always say "stop" ...i always come back doing art, foolish thinking i would be something important when i am just a lowkey artist, who is fan of various others and only that

...i want to give up...

[marvosa-yroz]

9 people you'd like to know better

I was tagged by @rainy-circle! Oh my gosh! It has been a while, hello!!

1. Three ships:

a.) Benson/Mordecai from "Regular Show" (classic, and the most relatable)

b.) Mipha/Revali from "Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild" (it's my dream fairytale ship), and most recently, surprisingly(?)

c.) Caine/Pomni from "The Amazing Digital Circus" (omg, literally just a few days ago?!) (also experimenting chaotic/anxious duos, and dang do THEY embody that!?)

2. First ever ship: My very first most passionate hardcore ship was either Ink!Sans/Error!Sans, or Reaper!Sans/Geno!Sans. Both from their respective Undertale AUs! Maybe I shipped them both at the same time, who knows? (Still can't believe my first ship is sanscest lol.)

3. Last Song: No Exit by longestsoloever (replayed it like 3 digits, only knew the song yesterday😭)

4. Last Film: Barbie (2023). Only watched it a few weeks ago, and it's AWESOME!

5. Currently reading: ...Does drabbles of Caine/Pomni in AO3 count hehe?

6. Currently watching: The Amazing Digital Circus! (Go watch it peeps! It's SO GOOD! It deserves the hype!)

7. Currently consuming: Just had spicy noodles earlier I guess.

8. Currently craving: Literally, something hearty, umami, and spicy (again). Figuratively, MOTIVATION (because I seem to lack the energy of doing stuff I REALLY LOVE for some reason, I hate that I'm like this).

Now for my 9 mutuals, where you at? I want to know more of you peeps around!

@mrbigboisprite @loneliness-suffering @starstriix @ambersuperstar @apocalypticinsomnia @tsugiset @e-ampersand-c @matchamabs @raitnrong

Also, to my mordeson and miphvali mutuals, I'm sorry if I haven't been interacting with you all in Discord for almost a...YEAR now? I swear, my mind just...sucks ass. I'm still here, and not dead lol. The reality I'm currently experiencing in this mortal plane has made me feel pretty overwhelmed, and stuck. Maybe I'm experiencing some 20's existential crisis haha? But anyway, just letting you all know I'm pretty much alright, and sane enough to push through. Hope you're all doing fine and well there. Miss you guys.

I swear I'll come back. And chat and stuff like we used to. I'll just get myself, and my mind to sort things out (hoping before the end of the year because it's been taking forever)...and also my Discord account (stupid password).

Sorry for the rambling, have fun tagging and posting stuff though!

[calekinnieplus]

HEYYYYY hi. Didn't have time to read Anything yesterday, but I read like 3 ½ hours today, so YAY! Reached chapter 828.

What happened today, you ask? (No you don't lol)

Well! Gehrman Sparrow proceeded to terrify the Tarot Club members by consistently providing Sequence 5 Beyonder characteristics almost every meeting. Last meeting, he put THREE characteristics on sale. And where did he get them, you ask? (no you don't)

WELL! Alger and Gehrman actually went ahead and explored the primitive island with a lot of rare creatures. And in there, two things of note happened. One was that they discovered Another Card of Blasphemy, Tyrant. Which corresponds to the Lord of Storms. And thanks to that, Alger now knows the Sequence 4 potion formula and the ritual. They also had some good loot there, like Beyonder characteristics.

Second thing was the mural. An ancient mural depicting the ancient sun god, also known as the Creator. And he was supposedly being eaten by the God of Knowledge and Wisdom, the Eternal Blazing Sun and the Lord of Storms. Didn't expect the origin story to be This literal, ngl LMAO

Like, DAMN?? Poor Derrick, after finding out about it from the Tarot Gathering, he was going through an existential crisis or smth. Actually, most of them were in shock. Unsurprisingly. A valid reaction tbh.

Oh, and the way Klein connected the dots from the Twilight Hermit Order to that unique island?? I don't say often enough how SMART he is?? Badass, yes. I say it often, because he genuinely is. But, although I am aware of it and always love that about him, he's so Incredibly Smart!! My boy <33

On another note, Hazel somehow got involved with a demigod from the Marauder pathway? Is that what's going on with her and the sewers?

Another thing! Dwayne Dantès! Even though it's his role now, I haven't mentioned much about him. It's so funny how, even while visibly older, the Rizz Klein has is too good. He's out there charming all the ladies. Wouldn't be surprised if some men, too ;)

Will Auceptin is also closer to being born !! Hehe he's so fun, I like him. It's refreshing in a way. He's such a prankster, a silly, goofy kid. Absolutely adorable.

Oh yeah, Audrey made an off-hand mention- IT'S ONLY BEEN A YEAR? OR ACTUALLY, NOT EVEN A YEAR? I mean, it makes sense. There was just one New Years. But damn, so much happened in a year. Klein advanced from Sequence 9 to 5 in a Goddamn YEAR. Incredible. The other members, too! They're going STRONG!

Welp! I think that's all for today. Actually, I think I'm putting these daily updates on pause. College is starting tomorrow, so I doubt I'll be able to consistently read 4-5 hours per day.

Well, I'll definitely continue reading as I have done until now. I'll continue posting the quotes I want to share, ones that amused me, surprised me, made me think of something. If I Do have a day where I read a lot, I might do an update, to keep things straight. Otherwise, this little habit will stop.

But not the binging, of course. The show must go on >:))

Praise be the Fool!

[nitewrighter]

Armor and dwarf!

Armor--Can you tell us the most important lesson you’ve learned by yourself?

Oohh that is a tough one. I would say the big one is, and one I have to keep reminding myself of, is "There's a lot of stuff in day to day life that is easy to take personally, but it's really not worth it to take personally." And also by extension, "If you take everything personally, eventually that turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy." The truth is people get tired, people make mistakes, most people are working with a limited frame of reference and limited resources. The universe is not conspiring to destroy you, but if you fixate on the idea that it is, then it just becomes all the more easy for it to really manifest in how you go through life. Like.. there was this lady who came into the library, clearly out of breath, demanding a book that she had put on hold yesterday. And I looked it up in our system and I was like, "Sorry, ma'am, it looks like our copy of that already got checked out." And this woman pretty much started having a meltdown--you could tell this was a book her daughter needed for school, she somehow got it in her head that we, the library, were personally screwing her and by extension her daughter, over.

But the truth of the matter is this: we run the holds list every morning, but books that are being checked out by patrons before they can be grabbed by librarians or aides, just get checked out to that patron. It's a first-come-first-serve thing. We had finished grabbing holds for the day before she made the hold at 4 PM, and another patron checked out our copy of that book at 6 PM. Both of these events occurred a full 14 and 16 hours before we would even run the next holds list, but this lady was having a breathless existential crisis at our desk over shit that... just happened. Shit that, sure, is inconvenient and unfortunate, but is just one of the things that happens when a book collection is shared with the whole community (and probably also happens when a book is assigned for school--like, sorry we prioritize patrons who are actually in the building. If your book was actually on the holds shelf, we would be having a different conversation, but it wasn't.) But yeah it was one of those situations where this lady was so convinced we were screwing her over on purpose I was internally like "Damn, lady, if I wasn't a librarian I'd hope your daughter never gets that book with the way you're acting." Like if you assume malice on another person's end enough, that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, but that's not on them, that's on you. So that's a thing I try to keep in mind when things aren't going my way, and it also keeps me humble. Like, you aren't enough of the center of the universe for it to conspire against you. The universe doesn't give enough of a shit about you to screw you over. How you react to that shit, that defines who you are, so don't be an asshole.

Dwarf--What is word that you always seem to spell wrong?

Compatible/Incompatible and indefatigable--basically a lot of words that have the suffix that have to do with 'able' but aren't spelled 'able' or have more than one additional vowel sounds before it that are easily confused.

[candy-red-river]

I found and did something very important yesterday:

So basically, I reinstated my vibes.

You see, I watchewd a video criticizing sludge content and it gave me a psuedo-existential crisis, I didn’t know whether or not i was watching content worth my time, i like long term fan content with plots and I usually download them to watch at home since I’m offline most of the time but I don’t know if that content SUITES me y’know? I’ve been trying to curate my interests for a long time and I got back into tf2 after a few days of no content because i had a dream about it. 

And let me tell you i am VERY attached to the characters (can’t play the game right now) and story any time I watch something about them I feel like warmed seasoned cooked chicken wings (also because that’s what’s in the fridge). Earlier thatr day I had downloaded HOURS of sfm show-esque content while multitasking to not be bored which spurred my stressful self reflection and in my distress in order to calm down I ended up listening to one of my pre-digital rebirth songs (the birthday massacre) and it reminded me that I can find new songs by starting pandora song-based stations. 

Ok more context: after my digital rebirth and keeping an eye on the content I consume, I couldn’t find any media that fit what I was going for or i would find something that would fit me and my vibes at first but after listening for a long time I would slowly start going neurotic from replaying it over and over again. 

I needed new music. New music that wouldn’t make me feel rabid after a few listens. One of those bands was of montreal, specifically their peppy elegant funk music.

So I went onto pandora and made a station based on gallery piece from their skeletal lamping album for find more music that had the same energy (lyrics can go either way) and GOD did I find what I was looking for!! 

FIRST I rediscovered a french pop song that i hadn’t heard since I was a CHILD and couldn’t look up later in life due to not knowing the lyrics, only the melody. When I heard that song on that fateful day I was ESTATIC and the good vibes only continued! Another old song that I couldn’t find due to not knowing the lyrics popped up ( with more fitting music of course)! I ended up listening to that station for the rest of the half hour while browsing pinterest, etsy, and irregular choice and I had SO MUCH FUN!! I was ACTUALLY enjoying myself more while browsing!

Conclusion: my colorful funky vibes are here and now I feel like a damn shopping mall and it has kinda inspired me!! Also I just so happened to remember Bunny Maloney so that’s cool too!

You can use pinterest, spoofy, and maybe youtube if you’re looking for new music.

[taintedcigs]

You should have gone with Eddie, like you normally do. What if he gets angry again? What if he’s upset?  Is that why he sounded so grumpy when you called him last night to remind him that you already made plans? No. He already knew about it since Saturday and he wasn’t mad or upset. OMG I ALREADY FEEL SO SO SAD FOR THE READER. SHE NEEDS TO SPEND SOME ALONE TIME FRFR.

Steve had always intertwined his fingers with yours, holding your hand tightly to stop you from chewing on your nails. His hold on your hand was more effective anyways when it came to calming your anxiety. STOP STOP. im already gonna start crying. steve centric chapter will get to meKDJFJGH.

Every time you look into his soft eyes, every time you feel his gentle touch, every time you hear his kind words, you wonder why he had been so rough and harsh when you were still his. What changed? Why is he like this now? Why wasn’t he like this back then? UGHHH. i feel for reader so so much. she deserves so much better. AND SHES RIGHT!! WHYSTEVE WHY?!?! u still got a lot to make up for!!!!

“You don’t have to spend your break with me if you don’t want to.” ill seriously cry hes such a pathetic cutie patootie im gonna cry SHE DOES WANT TO SIT W U STEVIE PLSSS.

“Yeah. As friends.” oh uuu little little liar!!!!!

“Nah, I shared it with you, dolly.” im sorry dolly always gets to me in the best way possible im gonna shed so many tears.

She knows that he was looking forward to this. The lunch date with you. Robin can’t let this happen, not when she saw how nervous you looked when you waited for Steve in front of Scoops Ahoy earlier. IM CRYING AT ROBIN COCKBLOCKING BOTH STEVE AND EDDIE SDJFDKH. OH SHE'S A READER X NANCY SHIPPER LIKE ME.

“You keep running away from your feelings, you can’t even freaking face them!” THAT PART. U JUST CALLED ME OUT SO BAD. I ALSO SAID THIS BEFORE BUT I LOVE THIS. ITS SO RELATABLE. ROBIN WANTING SO BADLY TO BE THERE FOR READER AND FEELING SO DESPERATE WHEN SHES SO CLOSED OFF. UGH JUST THE BEST.

“You are so scared of everything and you keep running away from things instead of fighting for them. You loved Steve so much but you let him go so easily–” “Are you blaming me f-for what happened? A-Are you saying it’s my fault that he left me?” Your voice trembles as you speak. NOOOO THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTING. i feel like i kinda get what robin means here, but she could've worded it better!! but i totally get it. because she did kinda run away after everything that happened w steve. which i don't blame her for, but it would've been a tad bit healthier if she confronted it and told steve what she really really felt, i think thats what robin meant by "fighting" too!!

“I saw you with Eddie, at the lake yesterday. I saw the way you looked at him before you pulled away. I saw you with Steve and the way you looked at him.” OH MY GOODDD. WE R GETTING DOWN TO IT. GO ROBIN. GO ROBIN.

“I-I can’t reach happiness, no matter how hard I try to move on. There’s always something. I-I just can’t be happy. I keep ruining everything, Robin. Steve was my best friend a-and we ruined it, we ruined our friendship for a relationship that fucking sucked. He never wanted me, h-he never even loved me. I’m pretty sure he only loved the idea of us being together – despite the things he’s telling me now, I struggle to believe that he loved me. I loved him, I really fucking loved him and losing him hurt so fucking much – even now,” you whisper. I relate. i love our relatable queen reader. just having an existential crisis.

“I-I do.. I have – you’re right,” you stutter, closing your eyes, “you’re right about everything you said and I hate myself for it, Robin. I hate myself so much.” NOOO IM GONNA CRY:(( SHES SO HARD ON HERSELF :(( POOR BB!!!

“You desperately need a girls night, you need to talk to girls! You need to talk about your feelings, cry to your favorite movies and songs, eat sweets, get drunk!” She smiles, squeezing your shoulders, “I know Heather is busy with Argyle but Chrissy and I are here. We should hang out tonight, just the three of us, no boys allowed.”  EXACTLYLKJSDFLKJ IM SO SO HAPPY FOR THIS. SHE NEEDS A GIRLS NIGHT. W GIRLS. CAN WE INVITE NANCY.

OMFG I LOVED THIS CHAPTER ANDYYY, LIKE I SWEAR U R ONE OF THE BEST WRITERS ON HERE I CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND U DOUBTING YOURSELF BC THIS WAS AMAZING!! SO SO GOOD. I LOVED THE ANGST AND THE SAD PARTS BC EVERYTHING ROBIN SAID WAS LIKE A WARM HUG. UGH JUST FELT LIKE A WARM BLANKET WAS WRAPPED AROUND ME. I LUV IT!!! I CANT WAIT FOR MORE HEHEHE!!!

“Ew, don’t you ever call me that again.” (also i love her so much)

I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss | part twenty three

Warnings: angst, mentions of an ED, mentions of reader not eating, mentions of heartbreak and unrequited love. Not proofread!

Pairings: Steve Harrington x fem!reader , Eddie Munson x fem!reader

Summary: After weeks of staying silent, Robin finally confronts you about your feelings.

Word count: 4k

series masterlist

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You stare at the tiled ground. Bouncing your knee and chewing on your nails, trying to calm your heart from pounding. The sinking feeling in your chest makes you so anxious. 

You shouldn’t have done this. 

You shouldn’t have offered to spend time with Steve. 

You shouldn’t have offered to go out with him for lunch. 

You should have gone with Eddie, like you normally do. 

What if he gets angry again?

What if he’s upset? 

Is that why he sounded so grumpy when you called him last night to remind him that you already made plans? No. He already knew about it since Saturday and he wasn’t mad or upset. 

Or, maybe he was just better at hiding it this time. He hurt you when he found out about the kiss with Steve. He hurt you and that is something he would never do again. You know it. That is why he kept his feelings to himself this time, right? 

Oh god. 

You really hope that he isn’t angry, hurt or upset. 

The last thing you want to do is hurt Eddie. 

You flinch in surprise when a large hand takes hold of your wrist. You look up with wide eyes, about to pull your hand back when you lock eyes with Steve. Your shoulders slump in relief and you take in a deep, shaky breath. You look down at his hand, still wrapped around your wrist. 

“Don’t do that,” he says as he softly pulls your hand away from your lips, looking down at your freshly manicured nails, “you’re gonna ruin your nails.”

Your heart flutters in your chest. 

Steve had always intertwined his fingers with yours, holding your hand tightly to stop you from chewing on your nails. His hold on your hand was more effective anyways when it came to calming your anxiety. 

His hazel eyes scan your face, he notices the worry etched in your beautiful features. 

“What’s wrong?” He asks, stepping closer to you, “are you okay?” 

His soft voice, his kind eyes and his words are almost so foreign. It’s been almost a year since your relationship ended and yet, you get taken back to it every time you’re with him. 

Every time you look into his soft eyes, every time you feel his gentle touch, every time you hear his kind words, you wonder why he had been so rough and harsh when you were still his. What changed? Why is he like this now? Why wasn’t he like this back then? 

Even in the beginning, when he was so good to you, he still wasn’t this gentle with you. 

“Y-Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“You’re chewing on your nails. You always used to do it when you were anxious.”

He can see the way your eyes flash with surprise and the way your brows furrow in confusion. 

Did you really think that he forgot anything about you?

“Oh, I uh, I’m fine.”

He scans your face. You’re lying, he knows it.

You look both nervous and anxious and a part of him fears that he is the cause of it. 

“You don’t have to spend your break with me if you don’t want to.” 

“What? No! No, it’s not that. I want to.. I want to spend time with you. I-I mean, we’re friends, we can just hang out together,” you shrug, trying to give him a smile, “as friends, right?” 

He smiles. You’re blushing and smiling nervously. It’s cute. 

“Yeah. As friends.”

There’s a moment of awkward silence between you both. You stare at each other, neither of you making a move. You just stare at each other as he is still holding your wrist. For a brief second, he looks down at it, he loosens his grip around your wrist, letting his fingers glide down your knuckles and your ringed fingers. The urge to just take your hand and never let it go is so strong. 

He lets it go, raising his hand to run it through his hair, he takes a deep breath. 

“So, what do you want to eat?” He asks, looking around the crowded mall. 

You shrug. 

“I’ll have whatever you want.”

He furrows his brows when he looks back at you. 

“Is that so?” He asks, amused. “You always used to fight about where we should eat.”

A smile pulls at your lips, you nudge his shoulder, shaking your head at him. 

“That’s not true!”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it’s not,” you mumble, rolling your eyes with a smile on your face. 

“So if I say let’s get KFC, you will say yes?” 

A laugh falls from your lips. 

“Of course you want KFC.”

He raises his brows, “what’s that supposed to mean?” He chuckles.

You lick your lips, looking at the passing people before you lock your eyes with him again. You nudge his shoulder with yours as you start walking. 

“That’s like all you ever wanted to eat, Steve.”

“Yeah and that’s something you never wanted to eat,” he chuckles, “all you ever got was fries. Or mashed potatoes.”

“Well, the mashed potatoes are really good– oh, sometimes I stole your chicken though.”

“Nah, I shared it with you, dolly.”

You feel a pang in your chest. One that makes you swallow harshly, biting back the bitterness on your tongue. You try to leave the pain in the past but every time he says something that reminds you of your past with him, you feel the same pain all over again. 

The same pain that you have felt when he flirted with others. The same pain that you have felt when he started ditching you for her. The same pain that you have felt on the awful night he had broke your heart and everything that came after that. 

You look down with a smile on your face, trying to hide the hurt in your eyes. 

You don’t want him to see how much you are still hurting. He can’t see. He can’t know. Not when you want this to work out. Not when you want to give your friendship a second chance. 

You know that this might be a bad idea. 

Spending time with him. Being alone with him. Letting him back into your life like this but, he just means too much to you to just let him become a stranger again. 

You can be friends again, without wanting more, right? 

You know that you can do it, but can he? 

Can Steve accept being just a friend? 

A part of you thinks that he can’t. He had proven it a few times already, that he can’t be just a friend. It’s in the way he looks at you, it’s in the way he touches you, it’s in the way he says your name, it’s in the way he kissed you. 

But you want it to work out. You want him in your life. You want him to be your friend again. 

“Hey guys! Wait up for me!” 

You and Steve halt in your tracks, both turning around to see Robin rushing towards you both. 

“You gotta be kidding me,” Steve mumbles under his breath. 

“Aaron told me to take the break with you,” she smirks at Steve, who rolls his eyes at her. 

She knows that he was looking forward to this. The lunch date with you. Robin can’t let this happen, not when she saw how nervous you looked when you waited for Steve in front of Scoops Ahoy earlier.

She squeezes herself in the middle, wrapping her arm around your shoulder. 

“Let’s get some fries, girl.” 

A smile appears on your face, a look of relief flashing in your eyes, which makes her feel better about intervening. 

‘Sorry, Steve.’ She thinks to herself. 

-

Robin’s eyes roam your face. Her brows are knit together as she watches you. 

You’re sitting across from her, playing with the fries on your plate that you have only eaten half of. There’s a troubled look in your eyes, you are chewing on your bottom lip, blinking as you stare down at your lap. 

Steve is rambling, talking about some horror story Dustin had most likely made up while sipping on his Dr. Pepper. She isn’t really listening, too busy trying to figure you out. 

She wonders what you’re thinking about for you to look so.. sad. 

She needs to talk to you. She can’t wait till the summer is over. She needs to talk to you and she knows that you need to talk about it as well. 

“Hey Steve?” She turns towards him, interrupting his rambling, “can you get me something?” 

He sighs in annoyance. 

“What?”

She shakes her empty cup, giving him a hopeful smile, “another sprite?” 

He rolls his eyes at her but he stands up from his seat, “you’re lucky I like you.” 

She snorts. 

He gathers the empty boxes on the table, placing them all on the food tray. He looks down at you and the food you didn’t finish, “are you not gonna eat that, y/n?” 

Finally, you look up. 

You look lost, staring at him with a frown as though you don’t understand what he means. 

“The fries,” he mumbles, pointing at your tray. 

You look down, shaking your head, “n-no, I’m not very hungry,” you say, reaching for the drink as you look back up, “I had a big breakfast.”

He frowns, knowing that there’s no truth behind your words. There’s not much he can do about it though. Steve had worried about you and your wellbeing from the day his parents pointed out the changes in you. Ever since then, he had watched you closely, feeling more helpless than ever as there was nothing that he could do to help. 

He swallows, looking down sadly, he reaches for your tray, “alright. Do you want anything else?” 

“No, thanks,” you smile, shaking your head. 

He nods, giving you a smile back before he walks away, leaving you and Robin to yourselves. 

You wrap your lips around the plastic straw, looking out the window, you watch the people at the food court as you take a sip of your sweet drink. Unaware of Robin’s concerned eyes on you. 

Your eyes fall on the three teenage girls sitting by the big water fountain. The one in the middle is holding a magazine, reading something to her friends who are giggling at whatever she is telling them. One of them is wearing a green scrunchie on her wrist, it’s similar to the one you used to have. You don’t know where it went, it must’ve disappeared in one of yours or his drawers. 

She nudges your foot under the table, speaking your name softly. 

You tear your gaze away from them, raising your brows in question when you see the look on Robin’s face. The sad frown. 

“Yeah? What’s wrong?” 

She looks around, leaning closer after taking a deep breath. 

“Are you okay?” 

For a moment, there is nothing but silence between the two of you. She takes in the look of your face, watching the way your features twist into confusion. 

“What?” 

“Are you okay?” 

The feeling of the weight crashing from your chest into your stomach, suddenly makes you feel sick. You don’t know why her words affect you the way they do but, the longer you look at her and the longer you watch the concerned look in her eyes, you feel like crying. 

You blink, hoping that no tears will well up in your eyes. 

“Yeah,” you say after a moment of hesitation. 

Her shoulders slump and she sighs. She doesn’t have to say it out loud for you to know that she doesn’t believe you. 

“Why?” 

Robin takes a deep breath, leaning back in her seat, she raises her hands towards her face, running her fingers through her hair. 

“Y-You’re just, you’re not – can I be honest with you?”

You cross your arms over your chest, nodding, “always.”

“Okay,” she nods, sighing. “You’re different.”

“What?”

“You’re acting weird. You’re not yourself.” 

You straighten your back, leaning closer to the table, “what do you mean?” You frown. 

“Ever since that stupid date with that asshole, you have been acting weird, which is totally understandable considering what happened b-but, you were doing so good before that, you were moving on from Steve, you were doing better every day a-and after that night, you just, it’s like, you took ten steps back. And, I promise, I’m not judging you but I’m really fucking worried about you.” 

You’re a little taken aback. You didn’t expect this. 

“W-What?” You chuckle, nervously. 

“Just when you were getting better all this shit hits the fan!” 

You furrow your brows at her. 

“You’re not eating,” she points to the now empty table, “you’re friends with Steve again – which hey, I get now cause it turns out that Steve Harrington is actually a pretty nice dude now that he’s.. changed,” she mumbles, rolling her eyes. “B-But, you two kissed not too long ago and that upset Eddie which in turn upset you when he found out and acted like a total brat a-and– god!” She pulls at her hair, groaning in annoyance as she takes a deep breath again, “you should be focusing on yourself but you’re stuck between Steve who you are still very much in love with, obviously. And Eddie, who’s clearly more than just–”

Before she can even finish the sentence, you jump up from your seat out of sheer panic, slamming your drink on the table before you rush out of the restaurant, leaving Robin to  sit by herself. 

She calls out your name, throwing her hands up. She knows what you’re doing, you are trying to run away, but she won’t let you. 

She curses under her breath, pushing herself up from her seat and rushes out. 

It’s 1pm on a Monday, the mall isn’t very crowded, yet she needs a moment to find you. She squints her eyes, looking around for you. 

“God damnit, girl,” she mumbles. 

You’re fast, she’s gotta give you that. Every time you run away from something or someone, you make a quick escape and disappear into thin air. She keeps looking around until she finds you walking into the hallway that leads to the bathrooms. 

She follows you, catching up with you just before you walk into the bathroom. She wraps her hand around her wrist, pulling you back, softly. 

“Y/n.” 

You flinch, pulling your hand out of her grasp as you turn around to face her. 

“Leave me alone, Robin.” 

“No!” She shakes her head, grabbing your shoulders when you try to leave again, she slams you against the wall, keeping her hands on your shoulders. “I’m not letting you run away again – that’s what you keep doing, by the way, if you haven’t noticed. You run away from everything, y/n!” 

“T-That’s not true,” you mumble. 

“Yes it is.” 

You try to hide the fact that her words felt like a punch to your gut. 

“You keep running away from your feelings, you can’t even freaking face them!”

Your jaw clenches. You feel the anger bubbling inside of your chest. 

“You can’t even admit to them!” 

You know she is talking about him and it’s making your heart race. 

She’s right, you don’t want to face them, you want to keep running, hoping that they won’t catch up to you, hoping that they won’t ruin yet another good thing in your life. 

“Stop.”

She can’t see the tears in your eyes because you’re looking down, hiding them. 

“I know you have feelings for Ed–”

“Stop it, Robin!” You yell, trying to hide how nervous you are. 

She finally lets go of you and she takes a step back, eyeing you up and down with a shake of her head. She loves you, you’ve become one of her closest friends. She cares about you and your feelings, but she can’t stand watching you make yourself suffer. 

It wasn’t Ray who did this to you. He only triggered the feelings that have been inside of you already. You let the walls of lies crumble down the moment he touched them. You have never been okay, not even when you started to look okay. You were struggling, you were always struggling, even with Steve.

You are scared, that’s why you keep running instead of fighting for the things that you love. 

“You’re a coward.”

Another punch to your gut. 

The coil in your throat tightens and you swallow down harshly before you raise your head to look at her. You almost expect her to look at you in anger and disgust but instead you find the look of pity in her eyes. 

Tears well up in your eyes, your bottom lip trembles the longer you look at her. 

“You are so scared of everything and you keep running away from things instead of fighting for them. You loved Steve so much but you let him go so easily–”

You scoff, staring at her in disbelief. 

“Are you blaming me f-for what happened? A-Are you saying it’s my fault that he left me?” Your voice trembles as you speak. 

Her eyes widen and she shakes her head, raising her hands up, “no! N-No, that’s not what I’m saying!”

“Then what are you saying, Robin? Cause it sounds like you’re blaming me for the break up!” 

“I-I just mean that you let him go! You let him go even though you loved him to death! I’m not saying that he deserved you to fight for him because he really didn’t deserve it at all – this is about you, not him. You loved him and you didn’t bother to even demand real answers, you just let him go because you were scared of the real answers, you were scared of the confrontation, you were scared because you gave him so much and it still wasn’t enough b-but I know that you wanted to fight for him, I fucking know it and you know it too.”

The mask is slipping and you are forced to show how much you are struggling. 

“You ignore everything around you because you’re scared!” 

“N-No.”

“You never show how you really feel.”

You draw your bottom lip between your teeth, trying to stop it from trembling. You shake your head. 

“You keep lying. You keep lying to yourself and to everyone around you.” 

A flush creeps up your face, your heartbeat quickens. You feel both ashamed and scared. You thought you were good at hiding it, your feelings. 

“No,” you lie, again. 

“Y/n,” she sighs, giving you a sad look. 

“You aren’t lying?” 

You shake your head. 

“Alright, well, if you aren’t lying then tell me why you’re not eating or why you stopped talking to me about how you feel – cause at some point you used to talk to me.” 

Your shoulders fall and you close your eyes when you can no longer hold the tears back. 

She is right. 

She is right about everything. 

You lean against the wall behind you, trying to wipe away the tears subtly. 

“I saw you with Eddie, at the lake yesterday. I saw the way you looked at him before you pulled away. I saw you with Steve and the way you looked at him.”

“Robin..”

“No, don’t ‘Robin’ me!” She throws her hands up, “I’m sick of you pushing me away because you think that I will judge you and your feelings for them! I’m your friend, y/n. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. I’m here for you, I’m here to listen, I’m here to talk, I’m here to help so please, please let me help you because I’m going insane watching you being so hard on yourself!” 

What did you do to deserve her? 

You are so sick of your feelings. 

You are so sick of falling in love and ruining everything because of it. 

You are so sick of setting yourself up for failure. 

You look back at her, bouncing your knee as you look at her through your tears. 

Her eyes soften when she sees how much you are struggling. She takes a step closer. “I’m here, y/n, and I’m not going anywhere. I promise. You can talk to me, about anything.” 

How can you talk about your feelings when you refuse to acknowledge them? 

How can you talk about something that you don’t want to accept?

“I-I just, why does this keep happening to me?” 

Robin’s heart breaks at the sound of your shaky voice. 

“What do you mean, y/n?” 

You swallow the coil in your throat and raise your hand, wiping your tears in annoyance. 

“I-I can’t reach happiness, no matter how hard I try to move on. There’s always something. I-I just can’t be happy. I keep ruining everything, Robin. Steve was my best friend a-and we ruined it, we ruined our friendship for a relationship that fucking sucked. He never wanted me, h-he never even loved me. I’m pretty sure he only loved the idea of us being together – despite the things he’s telling me now, I struggle to believe that he loved me. I loved him, I really fucking loved him and losing him hurt so fucking much – even now,” you whisper.

And for the first time, Robin sees how much pain there actually is, how much pain you have been hiding all these months. It’s in your eyes, it’s in your voice, it’s surrounding you. 

“I thought befriending Steve would numb the pain,” you breathe, closing your eyes to take a deep breath, “but I still love him.”

Her gaze softens, she scrunches her face up, watching the way you try so hard not to break down. 

“A-And Eddie,” your voice cracks and for a brief moment, you look up at the ceiling, trying to calm your breathing. 

Robin looks down.  

“I-I do.. I have – you’re right,” you stutter, closing your eyes, “you’re right about everything you said and I hate myself for it, Robin. I hate myself so much.”

Robin’s large sad eyes don’t make it any easier for you. 

She whispers your name, sadly. Not hesitating to pull you into a hug and wrapping her arms around you tightly. 

“Don’t say that,” she whispers. 

You don’t say anything, you just close your eyes and hug her back. 

“I ruin everything with my feelings–”

“No, you don’t. It’s not your fault, y/n. It’s not your fault, okay?”  

She listens to your sniffles, she feels the way your body is shaking as you try to keep the sobs in. 

A part of her feels guilty for being the trigger of all of this but the other part knows that this is what you needed. 

You need to talk about your feelings.

You need to let yourself feel. 

“You know what you need?” 

“Therapy?” You joke even though there’s tears rolling down your face. 

“Yeah that too but that’s not what I was gonna say.”

You pull away from the hug, chuckling at her words. 

“You desperately need a girls night, you need to talk to girls! You need to talk about your feelings, cry to your favorite movies and songs, eat sweets, get drunk!” She smiles, squeezing your shoulders, “I know Heather is busy with Argyle but Chrissy and I are here. We should hang out tonight, just the three of us, no boys allowed.” 

“I haven’t seen Eddie today though.”

“Oh my god,” she mumbles, rolling her eyes, “you know what? He’ll survive one day without you and you will too, like I said, you need a girls night.” 

“Girls night,” you nod, trying to give her a smile. 

“Yeah, now let's get you into the bathroom, you look like a racoon with your mascara running down like that.” 

You raise your hand to wipe it away but she stops you. 

“No, you’re gonna make it worse! Go,” she gestures to the bathroom, pushing you towards it. 

“Okay, mom.”

“Ew, don’t you ever call me that again.”

-

tagging friends & mutuals

@taintedcigs @hellfire--cult @littledemondani @mysticmunson @wroteclassicaly @corrodedseraphine @corrodedcorpses @take-everything-you-can @trashmouth-richie @succubusmunson @xxhellfirebunnyxx @somethingvicked @sherrylyn628 @nemesis729 @chrissymjstan

[optimistredsox]

13 Aug, DET @ BOS, 3-6, win

Oh hey, we won another series! That means we won two series on this home stand and only lost one! It also means we broke even, going 5-5, because the dastardly Jays swept us during a very, very bad weekend. Yesterday, as Sundays go, was pretty good. The weather looked nice at Fenway. Pablo Reyes managed to make two errors on a single play, the Tigers lost at least one easy out in the sunshine, and we ended our home stand with a win. It was a weird home stand, which started with probably the largest existential crisis of the season and then ended with the Sox being just good enough in spite of their cack-handed defence. Now they go on a road trip that lasts for an awfully long time with their day off today being their only off day for over two weeks. Ouch. So let's look at the bright sides.

Garret Whitlock made his return and whilst there was an unearned run (due to some cack-handed fielding), he was solid over two innings, striking out three.

Kutter Crawford was also solid. He gave up a couple of runs, including a dinger, but covered four and two-thirds and never surrendered the lead except for when Detroit scored first in the second inning.

Trevor Story very much announced his return, going four for four with three doubles all day long. He scored twice. He also stole second on his only single so it's sort of like he had all doubles. He then stole third after he stole second. His thievery was rather impressive. He also wasn't responsible for either of the Red Sox errors.

Adam Duvall went 2-for-4 with a dinger and 4 RBIs (the dinger was a three-run job).

Connor Wong hit a triple and knocked in a run with that triple. Catchers hitting triples is weird and I am definitely here for it.

Tristan Casas seems to be walking a lot - he took two walks and scored after one of them. My guess is that folks are too scared to throw to him right now.

Jansen gave up a hit in the ninth and then the rest of the Tigers popped out.

We won!

We won the series!

The Yankees lost and are two games behind us in last place! It fills my heart with joy!

[khodorkovskaya]

01.02.23

my manchester bestie is getting married and ofc im having an existential crisis over it bc i make everything about myself and myself only.

she called me yesterday and announced her engagement. and i was like "oooo how did it go? how did he propose?" and turns out it was a mutual agreement between them bc of his visa. so there was so proposal and they're only gonna have a quick wedding just to sign the papers and that's it. so it's not like a wedding wedding. (which is a shame bc i was ready to pack my suitcase and go party!) he lives in london and they only see each other once a month. and his goal for living in the uk was to get uk citizenship. now that i think about it it seems kinda fishy idk. but i don't know their relationship that much, ive only seen the guy once and we didn't really talk. they've been together for like 5 years i think and she really loves him. so it's not really my place to judge i think.

it's weird bc my london bestie was also considering getting married to her boyfriend bc he needed a visa. and a friend of mine from russia recently got married to a spanish guy she's known for like a year, and she had a small wedding so i guess it was also largely related to getting a visa asap.

it made me think about how some people have it so easy. they just go through life, not thinking that much. if they want to do something, they do it, without giving it a second thought. no justification or analysis is needed. oh you like someone? be with them! oh your boyfriend who's a good guy needs a visa? get married! it's that easy!

meanwhile im always analysing the pros and cons of everything, thinking of all the possible outcomes. and if i haven't justified my decision to a 100%, i feel like it's not valid. and then im unhappy bc i can't rationalise it all. and my friends are going with the flow, working office jobs and getting married. and i feel like they're gonna be happier in the longterm and im gonna be the loser who still hasn't figured it out while everyone's moving on with their lives.

why do some people have such an easy approach to life? would i have been happier with B if i thought less? maybe my father was right and it's not that deep. he's good looking and he loves me. what more is there to ask for? nobody is perfect so i should just suck it up and be normal like everyone else. go about my life, do things that everyone else does, not think about anything. but i just struggle with everything i do and can't figure out how to live like a normal person.

i told my stepdad about my concerns and he said that the way i approach life is better than that of my friends. bc spontaneously getting married at 23 like my manchester bestie is stupid bc marriage has huge consequences on the rest of your life. and settling for an office job and not getting a masters like my london bestie is stupid bc the job market is competitive and she might find herself behind everyone else without an extra degree. we're all stupid in our twenties and it's better to think twice now than to find yourself in a shitty situation when you're older. right..?

but idk i just wish i could take things more lightly. im so scared that everyone's gonna be happy with their spontaneous decisions and im gonna miss out on things bc i analyse things too much. i hope that it all goes well for my manchester bestie and the guy isn't just using her for her documents. and if all is well, she's probably gonna have kids when she's done with her phd and live a normal married life just like her parents. and she'll be happy and not think about anything and everything. and she'll continue going about her life and not ask herself weird pseudo-philosophical questions. i think that's what true happiness is.

and im here like an idiot, dreaming about B every night. and trying to figure out why i left him and why i was with him in the first place. and it's all so complicated and weird. and maybe i should've stayed with him and figured things out. and maybe our relationship was actually a good one and im never gonna find anyone better. why leave someone if he's a good match for you? maybe B was a good match for me. and i missed my chance to be happy.

anyway, im gonna message my manchester bestie and tell her to think twice.

[stuckinapatriarchalbullshitland]

Ancestral Footprints///Fuck Patriarchy (Related to Lauren's last IG livestream)

Ok folks, I hope this is not too long or tedious to understand. And as I said in my last post, this is related to Lauren Livestream yesterday night. I will be honest and say that I have not seen it again and should do it, but they have not yet uploaded it to YT to see it and less translate it, but I remember the most important thing than she mentioned in that live, so I'll go for it.

The Patriarchy

In simple words: it means that the rules of man, they send. That men hold power over women, minorities and have privileges that minorities and women do not have and a clear example is a salary. In a job that the same for a name and a woman, inequality is seen in salaries where men are paid more than women for the same work. Or there are works that are only "men" and the emergence of women in those works is something that is out of the norm. Now it looks more normalized, but before those works were in the range of construction, mechanics, even in sports, football, boxing and a long etcetera.

From the patriarchy I will go back in time, because I think this is something important. I will go back to human evolution. How the human being went from being "cavernícola" to being a modern "cavernícola" that uses social networks to attack others instead of a spear or sticks and stones. Modern cavernícola human beings use Twitter as their attacks. Something that Lauren also spoke, but the issue of evolution is my contribution.

My question is: Has the human being really evolved? My answer is: No. He has not done so; he has only broken some cycles.

Human evolution and a little history:

Before the human being arrived where he is today, he was a nomad. He had to fight more and more dangerous animals than him and try to survive in addition to continuing to perpetuate the species to avoid extinction, remember? The man was the one who went out to hunt and provide his family until he stopped being nomad and settled in communities where, although he was more protected, he still had to fight nature. Thus, the man continued to take the role of the protector and supplier and the woman was the collection and the caretaker. Something that, if we analyze it carefully, has not changed so much. It has only broken cycles, but man is still the same, in a more evolutionary concept. And the United States together with Latin America are patriarchal bullshit lands and we all knows that. The man, or rather, the patriarchy, has only involved the mentality of man. That influence has made the male mentality stuck in primitive concepts that as a society should not have, or perpetuate. Like machismo. And if I go to the extremes, toxic feminism.

The patriarchy loves to make violence apology, to the law of the strongest, to such retrograde concepts that end up adulting or making thousands of stories where the main character is a serial killer who even has followers. Or even what has been in the fore of these last days, Balenciaga and their attempt to normalize pedophilia. The patriarchy tells the man that he can only survive if he hides his emotions, if he is physically strong and able to dominate others, if he is who commands and others do what he says. Patriarchy does not believe in mental health. They hide those problems under the carpet because talking about the subject makes you weak in front of others and makes you a fag. Like the father of the Colorado gay bar killer, where the nasty guy was more concerned that his son was gay than the fact that his son killed five people because he was dealing with mental issues related to his repressed sexuality of non-binary.

To the anon who asked me what it meant to be non-binary:

Mental health is an important problem to attend, folk. Too important. So important, that having good mental health can save lives, literally. As Lauren said and that's what I'm left with: Mental illness is pain. Pain that if you internalize it, you get physically sick and if you externalize it, you look for someone to blame for it and you take a weapon and go out to kill people, to harm others like you are.

I think that as long as we do not have good mental health and an evolution of consciousness, we will continue without learning from our mistakes, because if we do not learn from them, we will not advance as a species, we will continue to go back. We will continue to leave future generations and centuries of stagnation, violence, inequality, precarious mental health and another etc. I think in the end, we will have to extinguish ourselves as a species. Break the involution cycle, breaking the nucleus that has rotten us. Because it is difficult to ask for an evolution of an already corrupt species. But I also believe that there should be a vestige of the rotten species to teach the new species not to make the same mistakes that led them to extinction. The ancestral footprints will guide, I hope, so that the new species achieves its evolution.

Male divine energy

Another thing that Lauren mentioned I believe, was the divine masculine energy and another very interesting concept of analyzing, because this speaks of what we should be as a species. A balance. A balance between energies, male and female. Between the mind and the soul. I think that if human beings worried more about that balance, we would be a more honest, fairer and more balanced society because our species is feminine and masculine and if we are two, then there is a reason behind it, right? That would be an evolutionary balance. Neither patriarchy, nor matriarchy. Nor extremes. Both in one. Mixes.

I hope you find this, at least, interesting to read about because there's a lot of concepts about human history that's not the same, we learned at high school. We have to keep learning. Keep growing. Knowing each other enough to prevent for other from controlling us. Thanks for reading.

[alcego]

@burnthoneyy​ tagged me in this (<33 thanks broski) -- rules: spell out your URL using songs in your library

thief - ansel elgort help - papa roach emperor - pl4yfields - underdressed - vérité new rules - dua lipa islands - rynn verona - lostboycrow emperor’s new clothes - panic! at the disco rise - state of mine savior - rise against applause - sam tsui la la land - jax feelings - hayley kiyoko in bloom - neck deep chariot - jacob lee the kill (bury me) - thirty seconds to mars immortals - fall out boy over my head (cable car) - the fray nightmares - all time low

bonus:

new americana - halsey life of the party - all time low face down - the red jumpsuit apparatus endlessly - the cab relapse - divided by friday venus - sleeping at last riot - three days grace scars - papa roach ares - winters island firewall - les friction all i want - kodaline / pt 2 last resort - papa roach fragments - an unkindness on your side - cin3ma how to save a life - the fray sugar we’re goin down - fall out boy

tagging: @saltyshiro​ @kcgane​ @starry-sheith​ @coralreefskim​ @lvtvr​ @crystalklances​ @otasucc​ if you guys wanna! no pressure <3